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The snow fell only quite timidly on the city, which was already completely snowed in. On my city! I stepped outside, and my gaze fell on my new, used sports car, which was parked at the side of the road. A thick layer of snow had already covered it, with only a little of the wine-red, metallic-looking paintwork showing through here and there. I stretched and took in the fresh air. Okay, as far as you could talk about fresh air in the middle of a big city with around half a million inhabitants and traffic for at least a million. Even now, after this sudden onset of winter, the traffic was still snarling across the four lanes of the road, which had been my new postal address for a good month now, as befitted a decent rush hour.
And yet, the fresh snow seemed to have really cleared the air. Only the slight smell of diesel from the countless trucks that made their way to the A2 wafted through the air, seemingly confirming the completely unjustified reputation of this city, which is that it is not really a city at all, but in fact just the largest motorway service station in the world.
This city constantly had to struggle with all kinds of prejudices. Provincial, sleepy and “nothing going on” were the most common clichés. I don't think there is a city in the world that is as underestimated as my new hometown. Once again, I held my arms up in the air and enjoyed this very unique atmosphere that had set in with the beginning of the snowfall. Dusk was slowly setting in. It was finally shortly before half past four and one week before Christmas. It wouldn't be long before it was pitch black again. Although pitch black was what it was like in the backwater where I had spent most of my life until now. Here, however, real darkness didn't come quickly due to the many shops and the street and Christmas lights.
I looked across to the light rail stop, which was located in the middle of the main street and had just been inaugurated a week ago with a new elevated platform. A huge digital display on the platform showed that the next train to the city center was expected in four minutes. So I didn't have to hurry much. At that moment, the train in the opposite direction pulled in with an elongated screech.
How do they do that, I wondered, to make such a loud squeaking noise even when the rails are wet with rain or, as they were today, with snow? It must be some kind of technology that I don't understand. Although I did understand a bit about technology; after all, I had been a freshly graduated mechanical engineer for a good six months. I also had a job, had just passed the probationary period and was now the proud owner of a permanent employment contract. A rarity in this day and age and proof that my employer was really into incalculable risk or was really satisfied with my work, or maybe both.
The loud ringing of the train starting up again pulled me out of my thoughts. As if the noise when starting up wasn't enough to warn pedestrians. Man, I thought, these things are brand new and make more noise than an old steam locomotive. Especially at night, the things could be heard constantly. But that didn't bother me in the least. Just like the flickering neon sign of the hotel across the street. It shone directly into my bedroom. It was a great idea of mine to beautify my bedroom windows with these longitudinal lamella curtains. The blackout factor was close to zero, and the first night in my new domicile taught me that a few sheets of white paper would have achieved the same success, namely none. In addition, one of the neon lamps was actually constantly broken, so part of this huge hotel advertisement always flickered in a rather unrhythmic way. This had something of a kitschy American movie about it, if the surroundings of a cheap flophouse were to be depicted.
Well, I have to vehemently deny the cheap flophouse part. After all, I had put a lot of effort into my new apartment! And the fact that I was living in the middle of nowhere, right in the middle of the city on one of the busiest main traffic arteries, was something I had deliberately chosen. So the squealing of the train and flickering neon attacks were actually quite convenient for me, as they were signs that I had finally arrived in western civilization from German West Siberia, or in other words, from my oh-so-quiet hometown.
With this thought in mind, I set off in the direction of the bus stop, passing the shops on my block, the kiosk at the end of the row of houses and continuing towards the district's indoor swimming pool and leisure center, which were directly opposite the bus stop. Man, I couldn't get enough of the big city atmosphere and was already looking forward to the hustle and bustle in the city with the Christmas gift shopping, the three Christmas markets and the it's Friday and only one week until Christmas chaos!
I could have hugged the whole world, I was so happy! All my wishes had actually come true. Okay, I had worked pretty hard for it over the last few years, and then there was a bit of luck. So to be honest, this story could actually be over by now. I wouldn't have to keep using my patented three-to-four-fingered eagle search system on my new laptop to click this story in. And you, dear esteemed readers, could do something more useful than listen to my life story. And both little and big Jan-Phillip could live happily ever after.
Well, they could! But little Jan-Phillip in particular had a completely different opinion. So how come? Well, then I'll have to go back a little. With my story, of course, I mean. But first, I think, I should probably introduce myself to the esteemed audience.
My name is Jan-Phillip Böhm, I am an only child, yes, a really spoiled one, 25 Lenze young and just on the way to my independence. My contemporaries actually consider me to be quite sociable, some even attest to a certain charm. The girls from my old gang even said that I look quite sweet with my tall and slender appearance, my honey blonde hair, my snub nose and my sky-blue eyes including the dachshund look. As if I would be interested in what the girls say, I mean. The fact that they refer to my giant nose as a snub nose disqualifies them in my opinion as a truly serious jury for questions of appearance.
Well, so much for the great Jan-Phillip. We'll get to little Jan-Phillip later. Just this much: he was one, if not the most important reason why I left my small, tranquil hometown for the big, wide world, or rather for the state capital, which is about an hour and a half's drive away. Because little Jan-Phillip had not really come into his own in our twenty-five-year forced community, with the exception of regular pats with more or less satisfactory results.
Mmh, it wasn't that easy with him either, after all, little Jan-Phillip had his preferences and they didn't fit into the preconceived world view of the people in the backwater where I came from. Here in the Expo and trade fair city, I simply hoped for a little more liberal views. What preferences do I mean? – Well, as most of you can probably already guess, I'm not only a mechanical engineer, which is bad enough in itself, I'm also gay. Really gay and what's even worse is that I'm also a virgin! I didn't choose the first thing, being gay, nor could I change it, to be honest I didn't want to either, but I didn't choose the second thing, being a virgin, either, but I definitely wanted to change that!
Not that I wanted to screw around here until the doctor came. No, that was not my thing at all, I'm really quite romantic and have been dreaming of my dream prince for life for years, or at least of a really nice guy and a long-term relationship for a nice long time. In the small town, on the other hand, where I was “out,” it was out of the question. Not to mention the scandal of having two fags in our beautiful town. It was simply a question of statistics. Assuming that only one in ten young guys with a hot ass has the same orientation as me, and then subtracting all the idiots in our area, well, then I ended up with a relationship-critical mass of 0.0000.
Okay, I've known I was gay for about ten years, thanks to the internet and its, admittedly, sometimes quite smutty pages. And so, for about exactly that time, I held out in this homoerotic diaspora. Military service wasn't really a big deal either; I quickly realized that I'd better not come out to these leisure-time rambos. Well, because of the shortened period of service, I had to start studying right away, so I had enough on my plate anyway, so I didn't get bored at all.
Then I quickly studied. Since I had chosen a fairly good university of applied sciences in the neighboring federal state just around the corner and was able to continue living at home, this saved a lot of time and money. The rather good half-orphan's pension that I received (unfortunately, my father had died when I was twelve), and the good food at Hotel Mama made a part-time job unnecessary, so I was able to get off to a flying start. However, I postponed my sex life again until later, with the exception of the already mentioned caresses in combination with the also already mentioned world-wide madness.
But that was definitely in the past and I was really keen to throw myself into the gay scene in my new city. I had no idea exactly how I would do it, but the mere fact that there was such a thing as a gay scene here made me quite euphoric and, I admit it, also a bit horny. Gosh! After ten years of living like a monk, I was allowed to be one, wasn't I?
So I did a little googling and was delighted to discover that there were quite a few locations for my type here. I quickly planned a route for tonight. Just to check it out, of course. Finding my dream guy on the first night was something you only found in those gay love stories you find on the internet. Like on “nickstories.de”, for example. I love these stories and I love this site. Man! It had really helped me a lot through my difficult time as an involuntary monk. But they were just great stories. I wanted to stay grounded. Just take a little look around, maybe dream a little. But otherwise, take it slow with the ghostly... um, young horses!
Okay, there was still something nagging in the back of my mind. What would happen if I happened to meet someone from our village? My new town wasn't that far from my old home. I was and am not a coward, but I had decided to lead a double life for the time being, especially with my mother's heart condition in mind. After all, I was still in close contact with my clique. It wasn't that I didn't feel comfortable in our village. I had a great childhood there. When my father suddenly died, my friends really gave me great support. We had all known each other almost since we were kids, and for me as an only child, my closest friends were more like family than just a couple of buddies to hang out with. Yes, that's how it is in the village. With my best buddy Stefan, I also had something like a family connection. At the weekend and during the holidays, I often stayed with him. I was something of a third child and really took part in family life, such as the big family breakfast on Sundays. I enjoyed this very much. I think my buddy Stefan was also very happy to have an ally against his big sister. Much to the annoyance of that very person. Her name was Stefanie (parents can be so funny!), she was two years older than us and was mutating into that kind of irritable, pubescent brat that unfortunately nobody understands, a state that most girls, in my opinion, never get out of in their whole life.
Be that as it may, I enjoyed that time very much! Stefan and I were inseparable. And when our hormones slowly began to stir up our beautiful, orderly rascal life, he became my first great, but unfortunately unfulfilled love.
Man! Was that torture. I was completely smitten, I craved his closeness, had many a powerful, unseemly thought, but unfortunately knew only too well that he was pretty much the most heterogeneous person in our pack.
No sooner had he realized that the thing between his legs was good for more than just standing up to pee than it was already over with the girls in the area. While I still wanted to play with Lego, he had already secretly obtained the relevant literature (yes, exactly the ones with the many instructions in a glossy format and to fold out, of course). Together we had once used the storm-free place at his house to try out our devices properly. It was just strange that I had to squint at his device the whole time. The great glossy photos namely could not really lure little Jan-Phillip. Little Stefan, on the other hand, who incidentally was no longer so little at the time, made a much more stimulating impression on my little, pampered rascal.
Okay, this experience really worried me and I had to think about it for days. At the time, our friendship almost broke up because of it. I constantly caught myself wanting to see my buddy Stefan naked at every opportunity. Since he was quite proud of his body and rarely embarrassed and I also often stayed with him, I also had a lot of opportunities to do so. However, to my great regret, we no longer looked at pictures together and then checked each other out. Nevertheless, I constantly tried to have some kind of physical contact with him. When we were alone, I started some kind of tussle, tickled him and did all the things that seemed to be harmless. The only problem was that little Jan-Phillip didn't find it so harmless and reacted bolt upright regularly. My preference for wide boxer shorts gave way to reason during this time and since then I have been squeezing into tight-fitting retro shorts. But at some point, even this model of a heterosexual found my behavior rather suspicious. As we were once again romping around and I couldn't keep my hands to myself, he pushed me aside a bit roughly, stared at me and asked: “Hey Flip, are you gay or what?”
Bam, I'm busted! It's exactly this question I've been asking myself for some time.
I was getting pretty hot. A traffic light would probably have gone into standby mode out of envy at my healthy complexion, and Stefan seemed to have noticed my good circulation, too (yes, I mean the one in the face, but really, what else?). He looked at me quite strangely.
“Are you crazy?” I tried to refute the look on my stupid face. ”Are you serious, that I'm a fag? You'd like that, wouldn't you? You're not getting any more action from the girls, you old cactus?”
Ouch, that had stung! Stefan had been having real problems with his hormones for some time. No, not the kind that could be remedied with an extensive, one-handed special treatment in the shower, but the kind for which the resourceful cosmetics industry had brought corresponding teen products onto the market. That is, ointments and creams that seemed to help mostly only the wallets of the cosmetics companies. In short, Stefan's pretty face suffered mightily from the effects of puberty-related acne. Which was pretty hard for our pretty boy, and it was pretty hard for me to bring this up as a heavy weapon.
But what the heck, said was said and it had an effect.
“Stupid asshole,” was his reply, and he sulked back to his bed in the farthest corner of his room. I then retreated to the other corner of the room, which was at least a million kilometers away. The mood was in the toilet. We then zapped through MTV and VIVA for about an hour, then I left. We hadn't said much to each other all evening. From that day on, our relationship changed fundamentally. Stefan watched me very critically, if not suspiciously, from that day on. It also seemed to me as if he always tried not to be alone with me since then. I, on the other hand, tried to avoid any physical contact as much as possible, and I finally stopped my lustful looks with a heavy heart. I haven't stayed at his place since then either.
Somehow, our relationship seemed to have suffered a major setback. We drifted apart more and more. Stefan now invested a lot of time in his constantly changing affairs. He was already a real heart-throb before, but now he literally mutated into our small-town Casanova, as if he wanted to prove that he was 100% heterosexual. Even Stefan's parents and my mother noticed this change, but attributed it to the natural development of two pubescent boys. So we went more and more separate ways. Only our village clique was still a connecting element.
It was only much later, when we had both long been active members of our local volunteer fire brigade (we had certainly avoided each other like the plague in the youth fire brigade), that our relationship improved again due to joint training courses. Today, it can actually be considered pretty normal again. Incidentally, Stefan has been in a relationship for a good four years. His girlfriend's name is Susanne, she's a year younger and a really sweet girl. Somehow the two seem made for each other.
Nevertheless, we never spoke about that evening again. It's a shame, really. Stefan would have been the first person in our town to whom I could have come out. Today I am sure that he would have understood in the end and might even have been of real help to me. How I would have liked to have had someone back then with whom I could have talked about everything. Oh well, it just wasn't meant to be.
My mother, by the way, also didn't know about me. She still believed that one day I would come home with a daughter-in-law and that our hut would soon be full of a bunch of cute little rug rats. My mother loves children, which always made me wonder why I'm an only child, since I wasn't that bad as a little boy.
My enthusiasm for these little rascals, who are always leaking out of some orifices, is pretty limited. The fact that I myself will not have any because of my sexual orientation is therefore the least of my problems, which my being gay brings with it. For my mother, on the other hand, I believed that this would certainly be the biggest shock. I was sure that she would still identify me as her son even after a possible outing, well, at least if you were to ask her clearly and explicitly.
She couldn't disinherit me, practically speaking. Strangely enough, my father had left everything to me, so she was effectively living in my house, but that wasn't so important. What was important was that she would still love me, and I was absolutely sure of that. She does have a rather rough exterior, which meant that as a child and teenager I didn't really come to her with all my problems. On the other hand, she didn't have it so easy as a young widow either, and in truth she has a rather soft core. So I didn't expect any problems from her. But why make a fuss about it now? It would be enough to tell her when I had found a real sweetheart and could introduce him to her... sigh... yes, if!
What would they say in our little town if I turned up with a sweetheart on my arm? I have to grin at the thought. The scandal would be inevitable and, of course, our local editorial team would have plenty to talk about for at least half a year. Local editorial team? I'm talking about our local bakery. You can find out the latest gossip there while you're getting your rolls or standing at the counter for a “cup of coffee”, long before you know it yourself. They are always up to date, especially bed stories were and are always presented so vividly as if the person telling them had been there himself. Well, at least with the beautiful Mrs. Bäckerin, the thought was not that far-fetched.
I was pretty curious to see what kind of sick fantasies they would come up with regarding gay sex. Maybe I could learn something, I thought, after all, my experiences up to that point were pretty limited. In any case, I shouldn't care about the talk, after all, except for occasional visits, I didn't plan on coming back. I was only a little sorry for my mother. It would probably be quite a gauntlet to run, at least at the beginning. I could already imagine the sharp-tongued chatter.
“Oh, the poor woman, what a shame. It looked like the boy would grow up to be a decent person. Well, he always was a bit strange. And what do you expect when a young lad grows up without a father...”, and so on and so forth.
Not that my mother really had much to endure. First of all, she was actually quite well-liked in the village and besides, her refreshing manner would ensure that the gossip would quickly die down. Oh dear, I felt sorry for anyone who would dare to say something stupid to her. Granny would simply eat the poor person for breakfast, and without mustard and pepper!
Well, I would probably be thrown out of the fire brigade in disgrace. Who could imagine a fag as a firefighter? I once googled something about an association of gay firefighters. I went straight to their site, but found that it hadn't been maintained in millions of years. The association probably no longer exists. It is much more likely that the gay firefighters no longer exist either. They were probably sunk during the last Oder flood to reinforce the dikes.
Well, I would actually be sorry if I were kicked out of the fire department. Somehow I had resolved to manage the balancing act between living here and staying in the fire department there. Almost all of my former clique was actively involved there. Some were even in command, Stefan was even a platoon leader and deputy fire chief. He had really made a career for himself, the little one. And I had also been a member of the command for a few years and was responsible for security. I wanted to continue doing this work, even if I couldn't regularly participate in the service anymore. Well, we'll see then. Actually, they weren't all that wrong. If only they weren't such terrible machos. And then there were always these prejudices. I could already imagine my next security briefing in front of this bunch, once it was known that I was gay. I'm sure I'd get a lot of stupid comments about safe sex and always having your back to the wall and all that. It wouldn't take long before I'd find a few condoms and lubricant in my locker, haha very funny! And of course that's just for safety reasons, of course.
But on the other hand, they're all a pretty nice bunch and I'm not a wallflower when it comes to messing with others with a few pithy sayings. So I would probably survive, because if you dish it out, you have to be able to take it. Um, I'd better not say that in front of the whole team in that context. Some joker might misunderstand it very quickly.
I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I hadn't even noticed how I had gotten on the train completely subconsciously. Thankfully in the right direction, so on line 1 towards the city. Well, I had probably already become a real city dweller, I could actually ride the subway, and even without thinking too much about it. Well, admittedly not particularly difficult with two possible directions. Monthly tickets in the annual subscription also saved me the daily hassle with the fussy ticket machines.
So, I was really looking forward to the upcoming evening. First of all, a bit of window shopping (haha, I wanted to do that figuratively all night), I wanted to shop for Christmas presents later. My Christmas principle has always been that as long as the gas stations are still open, you don't have to start thinking about Christmas until the 23rd at the earliest. My mom always drives me crazy with this. But what the heck, I only have one really stressful day and can enjoy the mulled wine at the Christmas markets during the other days. Besides, if nothing else, with the fuel prices, gas station gift certificates are worth more than the most expensive scent cocktail from one of those would-be luxury shops of those stinky water retailers. After all, I had to know what I was talking about, since I had been calling a real gas monster my own for two months. Along the lines of, what do I care about the greenhouse effect, it's way too cold here for me anyway. Nah, I'm not really that kind of idiot. But my new used one was a must. For years, first as a student, then as a federal soldier and finally as a student, reason had triumphed and I had settled for a small rice cooker. As big as a hatbox, three coke cans placed next to each other formed a cylinder-shaped engine with a performance of the brand irascibility. However, the good piece was pretty outdated and I finally craved a set of wheels that really deserved the title automobile. It suited me perfectly that two things happened shortly after I finished my studies. The first was that I found a job right away. Four applications, four invitations to an interview and I already had two offers to choose from. Not that I was that good, well, my diploma certificate was not bad and that with a degree within the standard period of study, but I think I was also just finished at the right time. Long live the economy!
And the second thing was the fifth crop rotation that befell us, that is to say, Mother and especially me. Fifth crop rotation? Okay, I'll explain that briefly. As I said, I come from the flat country (well, not that flat, it's a low mountain range after all) and in addition to our little house, I had also inherited a bit of land and even a small grove. The land was leased. I occasionally took on the small grove myself with my chainsaw. Man! A chainsaw massacre like that can be quite relaxing.
Well, and part of the land was suddenly chosen for building. It was to serve young families for their own homes. Well, and since I myself will not contribute very much to the preservation of our species, I agreed to this, of course, selflessly as I am, immediately. Anyone who knows a little about agriculture has probably heard of the four-field system with its coordinated crop rotations. Well, the most productive crop rotation is undisputedly the fifth, namely building land! Okay, so my selfless contribution to the construction of homes for hopeful families was not really so selfless after all.
The property development company also realized pretty quickly that although I occasionally look extremely stupid, I'm not really stupid at all, and suddenly I had a reasonably acceptable offer. That was a bit like winning the lottery. So after the tax office had received its more less than less more rightful part, after my mother had also received her more than deserved share, and another part had been well invested for security, there was still a nice little sum left to sweeten my start in the city of my choice. That meant I didn't need to save on the apartment. With my salary, rent shouldn't be a problem anyway, and the deposit and furnishings could easily be financed now anyway.
So, and then there was still the car. Well, I was a reasonable guy and new cars were a horror to me with the loss of value. So it should be a solid used one.
Okay, I had exaggerated a little in the end. The result was a four-year-old A6 station wagon. Wine red metallic, light leather, wood trim, snazzy V6 engine with almost 180 hp and 2.8 liters displacement, automatic climate control, automatic transmission, electric glass sunroof and a bunch of other gimmicks. Wow! After six years of a rice cooker, I finally had automotive heaven on earth. I loved this car, even though the speed orgies on the A2 were quite expensive. In terms of fuel, the engine was more of a water heater than a combustion engine. But what the heck, you only live once, “and not for much longer if you keep driving like this,” as my mother remarked acidly when she once had the opportunity to take off with me on the A2 and then fly in the direction of my new apartment.
So, now I had just exchanged my great speedster for the silver tapeworm, which noisily prepared to torture itself through the underground bowels of my city, only to release its contents, that is to say us, the enthusiastic users of public transport, at the main train station. The Christmas market at the station forecourt should then also be the first stage of my train journey through the city today. Not only did I have a hopefully eventful night ahead of me, but I also had a two-week vacation. It was my first as a recognized member of the taxpaying population. I definitely wanted to spend the first week in my city. I would spend the Christmas holidays and the time until New Year's Eve with my mother and, of course, with my friends from the old gang. On New Year's Eve itself, I wanted to take the ICE to Berlin early in the morning to take part in the pancake run and, of course, to party at the Brandenburg Gate later. Well, I admit this too: I'm not just a Masch'bauer and gay, I'm also an enthusiastic endurance runner. I haven't tried a marathon yet, but I have already done several half marathons and I really do it with growing enthusiasm. Now I just need to find a gay running group. As for motivation, nothing is better than a really hot ass in front of you from kilometer ten. The only important thing is that it is at about the same level of fitness, otherwise you either lose your footing or you have to catch a branch. Well, so much for my training concept.
Underneath the stairs that led up to the next level. When I finally reached the upper level, however, I could only shout: “Great! Half of Germany has the same idea as me again!” Well, Friday afternoon at the main train station was just gigantic. If someone had shouted, “There's free beer for everyone, but only for half an hour,” you could easily have made an educational film about the emergence and effects of mass panic. Okay, I resisted every urge, mentally bent my elbows, then brought them into position and fought my way to the exit. On a similar occasion, I had simply tried to juggle a cup of coffee from the kiosk near the subway to the main exit out of curiosity. So it was really impressive. Without even taking a sip, the cup was completely empty at the end. But many a coat and many a trouser leg was stained with a few coffee stains. It wasn't really a shame about the coffee itself. The stuff they sell here as coffee is covered by the international agreement on chemical weapons anyway.
When I arrived at the station forecourt, I looked around, overwhelmed. Wow!!! A picture book pre-Christmas feeling, standing in the fresh snow in the middle of the Christmas market, completely at peace with myself and the whole world, was spreading inside me. The market was not exactly big, as it was only the smallest of the three in the city. But the newly renovated station building was really very attractively lit and decorated. At the other end of the station forecourt, the Christmas decorations of the pedestrian zone competed with the two huge Christmas trees, which formed the conclusion of this Christmas market. In the middle of the shopping area, you could see the huge Christmas pyramid with its integral mulled wine, mulled beer and bratwurst stand. In front of me, the market stalls displayed their wares, mostly delicious food. And so a wonderful mix of the smell of roasted almonds, mulled wine, mushrooms in garlic sauce, currywurst with chips, crêpes with maple syrup, mulled wine and spit roast with coleslaw wafted over to me. Did I actually already mention the smell of delicious mulled wine?
To make the whole thing look really kitschy and postcard-like, a beautiful white layer of fresh snow had fallen on everything. That was just too much for my hopelessly romantic heart. Suddenly, the blinking frequency of my eyelids increased abruptly.
“Hey Flip, what are you doing here?” it echoed. ”Hey, are you crying?”
Damn it! I thought. This was coming at just the right time. I'm a stupid crybaby, I can smash my thumb flat with a sledgehammer (unfortunately I've actually tried that involuntarily) and not a single tear comes, but if I'm really happy and content and can embrace the whole world, then I blubber like a girl. And then in front of witnesses too!
“No, I'm not crying, I must have got a load of that frozen powder snow in my eyes,” I tried to limit the damage to my image. In front of me was Thomas, a really nice colleague who had taken me under his wing since the first day at the new company. I quickly fumbled for my handkerchief and tried to wipe away the telltale traces of my crying fit under the pretext of blowing my nose.
“Well, that's good,” he replied. ”It's great to meet you here. Were you planning on hitting the slopes today? We could do something together.”
Oh my God! Anything but that!, I thought to myself. Not that I didn't like Thomas, on the contrary, as I said, he was really nice. About five years older than me, so in his early thirties. He was quite good-looking and was known in the company both as an extremely good designer and as quite a party animal. He was still single, but, and that was the problem, absolutely not gay.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have had a problem going out on the town with him. We had already done this a few times and it always ended for me very early in the morning with a good supply of aspirin and gallons of mineral water. So I had nothing against a spontaneous binge; I was always very open-minded when it came to that (after all, I'm in the fire department, although I'd like to stress that firefighters don't drink more than anyone else, but they don't drink less either!) But today was not a good day for me. I had promised Little Jan-Phillip that I would take a little more care of his needs from now on. And dragging Thomas to the bars on my mental list would have been absurd. Besides, I wanted to wait a little while before coming out at work, well at least for the next ten to twenty years at least. Well, Mr. Double Life sends his regards.
“Oh Thomas, I don't really know,” I finally replied. ‘I also have a few things to do and then maybe I'll hit the hay,’ I lied cheekily. I saw the disappointed look on my counterpart's face. ‘But it's not that late yet and I could do with a mulled wine or two,’ I tried to take the edge off.
Apparently successfully, because Thomas immediately said: “Great, but not here, let's go to the Finnish Christmas market and have a few Glögg.”
Okay, the idea of the Glögg was not bad in itself, because it was really tasty, but the idea of the Finnish Christmas market was.
“Actually not a bad idea. But have you thought about what will be going on there today? Man, a sardine has certainly three times more space in its can!“ I tried to be diplomatic.
“Well, since you brought it up, okay then, let's go here,” he agreed to my suggestion. “Let's go to the stand at the back, towards the passage, it has a quite acceptable drop.”
Well, whether you could call sugar-coated and heated red wine from a retort a drop, I wasn't so sure. But firstly, we were in a wine-growing disaster area here in the far north, secondly, the warm stuff tasted really delicious at this time of year, and thirdly, effect always comes before taste. (Okay, so I've just outed myself as a drunk and a cultural ignoramus).
So we headed towards the mulled wine stand. Once there, Thomas ordered two mulled wines with something to drink in them and so we took up the fight against the wonderfully clear winter cold. “Last Christmas” by Wham was blaring out of the stand's speakers the whole time (I hate that song!!) and at the same time reminded me of my resolutions for today. Okay, let's step up the pace, I had a slight guilty conscience, but I really didn't want to take Thomas on the prowl with me today. At the same time, I knew that I wouldn't be able to get rid of him that quickly. At least two or three rounds of mulled wine would stand in my way. I ordered the next round right away (this time secretly without a shot, though. Man, I can fight with nasty weapons!) and downed the mug I had started in one go.
“Come on, Thomas, hurry up, we're not here for fun!” I tried to encourage him to the next mug. He didn't need to be told twice and emptied the mulled wine mug he had started in one go.
“Well, then, happy holidays,“ he toasted me with the new cup. Somehow, Christmas always seemed to start for him as soon as he opened the first mulled wine stand.
“Well, then, happy holidays,” I toasted back. In no time at all, this round was also finished and Thomas had ordered again, this time with a shot for both of us, of course.
So, I had to make a break somehow. I looked over at the pedestrian zone. Oh, the Christmas pyramid, I thought, half of the company is always hanging around there on Fridays, I could definitely park Thomas there.
“Thomas, let's go over to the pyramid right away. I have to go into town in a bit anyway, and I fancy a mulled beer today.”
Not that I really liked the stuff, it was mixed with honey, sugar, cinnamon and lemon. Even though I was from northern Germany and knew nothing about wine, I knew a lot about beer. And anyone who fiddles with beer should be hung by the wings of his ostentatious Christmas pyramid, purely as a deterrent, of course. On the other hand, I really wanted to get out of there. So I went over and gulped down a glass of the stuff.
“Sure, we can do that,” Thomas replied. ”I'm getting a bit bored here anyway.”
No sooner said than done. We quickly downed our third mug of mulled wine and set off. Oh dear, just as I was about to set in motion, I realized that I hadn't eaten anything all day. Breakfast for me traditionally consisted of a cup of coffee and a yogurt, mainly due to lack of time. I skipped lunch today because I wanted to empty my desk before my vacation. It worked out pretty well. But now I should think about a basis as soon as possible. Well, first of all a tasty portion of mushrooms with garlic sauce (and a mint afterwards, I'm not a barbarian) and later on to “La Carrosse”, a men-only bar and restaurant. The “Carrosse” was, so to speak, point one on my list.
Okay, but now I have to drink some shitty mulled beer and park Thomas, I thought to myself. When I arrived at the Pyramide, I craned my neck to look for a few familiar faces. But unfortunately, I didn't see anyone. Damn, I thought, when you rely on people, you rely on people. I quickly ordered two mulled beers and kept looking. Being 1.90m tall, I had no problem overlooking the whole crowd. Unfortunately, again without success. The outdoor speakers blasted out, oh how varied, “Last Christmas” (grrrrr, I hate this song!! George Michael wasn't a bad singer, but this song has been heard everywhere at Christmas time for years. It's getting really annoying.) Well, let's just have another mulled beer, I thought desperately. At some point, all the people from the company will start dancing.
“Man, asshole, I've already said three times that I want a mulled beer and not some kind of fuck cocoa - Oh, just leave it and go fuck yourself!”
A boy's voice as pure as a bell, which didn't seem to fit at all with the torrent of abuse, came from the drinks counter behind me. Thomas also seemed to have noticed the little scolding urchin and turned towards the counter.
“Hey man, the usual problems again. Can I buy you a mulled beer? I'm just about to get one anyway,” he suddenly said to the boy, who was ranting like a raw sparrow. So they seemed to know each other.
“Dude, but the invitation is a good idea. I'll also buy a round of shots. But you have to get them,” it resounded brightly and clearly to me again.
Man, that's a nice little fruit, I thought to myself and, while still sucking on the last of this disgusting mulled beer, turned around casually.
Oh dear! Serious mistake!, I thought for a split second, then I miserably choked on the last bit of beer that had reached my larynx. I had to swallow and at the same time wanted to articulate a completely astonished “My God”, this daring multitasking attempt by a male larynx had the consequence that a small part of the mulled beer found its way into my windpipe, which in turn triggered a terrible urge to cough. But since I was still holding my glass to my mouth as if spellbound, more mulled beer found its way into the wrong throat and so the game seemed to repeat itself endlessly until I went towards my certain death by suffocation, red in the face and streaming with tears.
What had happened? When I turned around to look at the cheeky and scolding pipe sparrow, I was almost struck by lightning. The voice somehow made me suspect a small, pimply thirteen- or fourteen-year-old. But what I got to see was really the absolute hammer. In front of me stood a picture of a boy!
Black, medium-length, wispy hair, a healthy, slightly reddish complexion, especially around the cheekbones. A snub nose that was simply to die for. And eyes that were absolutely stunning. The color was such a sexy blend of steel blue and slightly light green. The facial expression was almost indescribable. Cheeky, mega-lovable and quite challenging seemed to describe it somewhat. The whole thing was enthroned on a tall astral body. Sporty and strong, but not a gram too much on the ribs. At least as far as one could tell under the warm clothes in which he had wrapped himself. In short, a work of art. This Adonis couldn't be real, it was probably painted. The painter must have set the age of this young god at sixteen or seventeen. The voice had deceived a little. Nevertheless, it was just perfect for this appearance.
It's really strange what a gay brain can still perceive when the rest of the body is in the process of losing its supply of vital oxygen forever. I'm sure that a heterosexual's brain would have triggered some kind of emergency program, with rasping and whimpering for help and such. Not mine, though. The only thing that seemed to have priority one status in my control center was the viewing and image processing of this revelation standing before me. Okay, if I were to stand before my maker, I would be able to describe exactly the cause of my sudden and unexpected death. But did I have to? After all, this apparition could only have been sent down to earth by him in person. What was standing in front of me, meanwhile looking at me with some amazement and amusement, could only be an angel. An angel just before Christmas, well that was really stylish.
Another coughing fit brought me to my knees. Suddenly the apparition in front of me had disappeared. At the same time, I somehow sensed a very pleasant presence behind me. A slight scent, beguiling and sweet like fresh marzipan, joined it. Marzipan, where the devil... was it available here on the stand?
Wham! A hand came down flat on my back. I had to cough again, but amazingly I got a little air again. But not only that. The hand remained on my back for only a brief moment. However, that was enough to send a jolt through my body.
Wham! A second time the hand rushed down. This time the hand lingered even a little longer. Incredible electric shocks flashed through me. Okay, I seemed to get air again now, the urge to cough also eased, so apparently I shouldn't suffocate miserably so close to Christmas, but be grilled with 100,000 volts.
The hand disappeared from my back, and with it this incredible feeling. It's a shame, I thought.
Then this angel came into my field of vision again. I sat up, through my watery eyes he appeared as if in a soft focus, just like in this David Hamilton, Tender Cousins or whatever this film of his is called.
This angel looked over to where I thought Thomas might be and pointed at me, laughing.
“Tell me, do you know this joker? Does he have bird flu or has he always been so weird? Man! If I hadn't just hit him on the back, he would have croaked. Would have been a shame, and so close to Christmas.”
“Thanks for your sympathy, you sweet little devil,” I thought to myself. But honestly, it seemed that his brutal first aid had brought me back to life.
“Don't worry about it, that's Jan-Phillip, a colleague of mine, and he's all right. He must have choked on the rest of his mulled beer.”
“Oh,“ trilled this sweet, pure glockenspiel back. ‘Well, no offense.’ And turning to me, ‘So you're Jan-Phillip, that's a pretty impractical name, do you mind if I call you Flip?”
How does he know my nickname, I wondered. ’I just think it's more practical.” I nodded in agreement.
“Oh, by the way, I'm Lucas, Lucas with a 'c'! And just Lucas, nothing else, no double name, no hyphen,” he grinned at me.
Lucas, just Lucas, I thought, is there a more beautiful name in the world than just Lucas? So my Christmas angel was simply called Lucas. Just like the apostle, because of whose 2000-year-old story all this hustle and bustle is held here every year. Just Lucas, no seriously, this boy is just so unbelievably cute!
I must have looked pretty stupid, and my stomach was also starting to rumble again. I felt queasy and my legs were wobbly like old rubber. I really needed to eat something. Or could there be something else? I certainly hoped that the other two would attribute my miserable appearance to my near-death choking.
Well, I had reckoned without my cheeky Christmas angel.
“Tell me Thomas, can it talk too, or can the model just gasp and choke? Besides, it's been staring at me all the time as if it wants to eat me. Hey, it's not dangerous, is it?” A broad grin flitted across his cheeky face.
“No, no Lucas, he's really quite sweet. And normally he can even talk non-stop, especially when he's had a drop too much.”
Oops, was I really such a chatterbox? Why hadn't Thomas said anything before? And above all, what had I told him when I'd had a drop too much???? Well, I really should take better care of myself!
“I think Flip is just a bit frazzled,” Thomas continued in his plea for my defense. ‘After all, you just saved him from certain suffocation. Let him come to first. I'll get us something to drink in the meantime.’ Said it and disappeared. Thanks a lot, Mr. Lawyer, I thought.
“Okay, that's fine, and please don't forget the shots, I think Flip could really use one!” my Christmas angel called after him. And then to me: ”Well, how are you, everything okay? If you want, we can sit down over there for a moment. On the bench at the back, I mean. Old people should take it easy a bit. Especially after such a scare.”
I couldn't believe that someone was able to grin even wider and nastier than I had already had the honor of seeing a few minutes ago. But my Christmas angel managed the increase effortlessly. Man, was that a fruit.
“Nah, it's all right,” I croaked, well, admittedly, I'd sounded better before. ”No, it's really all right, I just had a pretty bad hiccup. Sometimes I really am a real scatterbrain.”
Man, it couldn't get any more camp than that! Hey! Hello Flip, what's up with you? Can someone tie my tongue, lock my mouth and throw away the key?
“But first, my sincere thanks for your somewhat brutal but apparently effective help,” I quickly tried to cover up my verbal slip and held out my hand to him.
This time I had probably hit the bull's eye. He seemed a little embarrassed by my emphasis on 'brutal'. In any case, his cheeks turned slightly red. Man, how mega cute was that again? At the same time, he grasped my outstretched hand a little shyly.
Bang! There it was again. For a split second, a surge of several thousand volts ran through my body. My Christmas angel had quickly withdrawn his hand. Did he feel the same thing? Nonsense, Flip, you're crazy. You should finally eat something and drink a lot less. Then your sense of reality will return.
At that moment, Thomas came around the corner with a tray carrying three mulled beers (yuck) and three schnapps (yuck again).
“Well, then knock off the shit,” my Christmas angel piped up, grabbing one of the shot glasses and raising it in a toast. At the same time, he put a ten-euro bill on the tray with his free hand. ”By the way, thanks for fetching, you know I always have stress with those faggy bums at the bar.”
Well, this fruit has a choice of words and a typically stupid hetero. They are always gay or faggy. Menno, always these stupid prejudices. And then drinking schnapps. If I take a close look at him, he's only sixteen at most. I'm surprised that Thomas doesn't see a problem with that. Buying booze for kids. Thomas isn't usually so careless.
“Hey, how's Moni doing, by the way? Is she in town too?” I heard Thomas ask. Meanwhile, I downed the schnapps without any accidents. It wasn't bad at all; somehow it calmed my intestines a bit. I immediately felt a little freer and more carefree, but then I reached for one of the glasses of beer to hide the afterburn of the schnapps. Thomas hadn't said cheers yet, but sometimes you have to be able to dispense with etiquette.
“Oh, my mother decided today to buy the entire city empty. I was with her earlier buying pants. Well, that really did it for me. I'd rather walk around naked than do that to myself again.”
Nice thought, I thought, and caught myself not only wishing for this announcement, but also imagining it in multicolor and HD quality. Man, flip, calm down, she's just a kid!
“I then left and came here. Well, you know the rest. So, my mother wanted to come by here in half an hour. We wanted to go out for a fancy dinner. If you want, you can come too. Moni will be happy. And after that, we'll go our separate ways anyway. I still want to go on tour, after all, I've been single again for a month. A pretty untenable situation, I have to take care of it today. After all, I don't want to be alone at home for Christmas, all alone with Lucas. Moni told me that you might want to go away together over Christmas. “A pure, casual vacation with a good friend,” she said. Well, who believes it. In any case, I wish you lots of fun. You can start digging a little tonight. Don't look like that, I know you like her. Well, you have my blessing, after all, you should have a little fun in your old age, my old lady.”
He must have taken a course somewhere to learn how to grin cheekily like that. You can't do it on your own, I thought. And Oskar is cheeky to boot. Knowing Thomas, Moni can't be that old. He's not into Methuselahs. Well, I estimate Lucas to be around sixteen, so if she was already blessed with this lad quite early on, maybe at eighteen or twenty, then she is now approaching forty. Okay, so he's a Methuselah, but Thomas should know.
What was more important was what he had said again, oh yes, that he is single. For a whole month, after all. Well, that's scandalous and, given his looks, hard to understand. Well, then I wish us both good luck for this evening. So it's every man for himself, of course! (sigh)
But damn it, I just couldn't help myself. All the time I was looking at this boy as if spellbound, as he spoke to Thomas in his casual, teasing manner. Thomas seemed to be completely charmed by the lad. I had long since mentally disengaged myself from the actual conversation, but somehow it always came back to Thomas's advances towards Moni. At first I thought I was going crazy, as this brazen guy kept giving Thomas tips on how to get with his mother, while also making fun of the two of them a little.
And what did Thomas do? He listened raptly, occasionally fetching another round of mulled beer and schnapps, and gratefully taking on board all the tips.
Well, and what did I do? I stared at my Christmas angel the whole time. About fifteen minutes ago, I had noticed that he had long dark eyelashes, almost like a girl. Ten minutes ago, I had noticed that he had beautiful white teeth. To the left, just above the upper lip, there is an unbelievably cute little mole (eight minutes ago), and now I have been looking at his lips for about five minutes, moving in sync with a conversation that I haven't followed in a long time. When Thomas had briefly disappeared, these lips had been talking to me. I'll ask what I answered next time I get the chance.
“Hello Flip! Hey, hello Mr. Jan-Phillip, Thomas, what's his last name again? Oh, Böhm. So, let's try again. Hello Mr. Jan-Phillip Böhm, is anyone still at home? I just asked what the dear gentleman is still up to tonight. My mother will surely appear in a moment and then we want to get out of this freezing cold and find something to eat. Do you want to come with us?”
Had this sweet little Christmas angel just spoken to me again? What had he asked, what I was planning to do today? Oh yes, there were a few things I had planned, or rather, what I had planned to do with him. Would I feel like it today and still come? Well, that was pretty direct. Or no, I think he just said come along. It's a shame, but no, coming wasn't necessary. Just take me here and now, on the spot. Freezing cold? Well, I would make sure that we both got really warm. Gosh, what I just thought was so dirty that even in my mind a thick, black bar appeared. Nah, that was really not G-rated.
G-rated! It hit me like a bolt of lightning: Flip, what are you doing here, anyway? He's just a kid! You're standing here like some drooling old pervert, undressing this little innocent (well, we'll cross out “innocent” right now) with your eyes. Not to mention what you were just thinking about doing to him. You tremble just thinking about him, you get a smacked wrist just touching him briefly, and you have a feeling in your stomach that has nothing to do with the meager food intake today. Well, what was that feeling really? I knew, of course, but I didn't dare admit it to myself. Butterflies! Yes, those corny butterflies in my stomach had indeed nested there quite unpleasantly and were probably already bringing forward the New Year's Eve party, at least judging by the pogo they were doing in my guts. The only thing missing is for them to ignite the first firecrackers. I just can't believe it. You live like a monk for ten years, or at least as you imagine monks live. Then you can finally get started, and what do you do, you idiot, you fall for a child. Man, you really are sick!
There was no way around it, I thought, I just had to get out of here. Slowly a real panic crept up inside me.
“Hey Flip, do you think you'll be able to come up with any coherent sentences today? Cheer up, it worked before. Or can you only do one sentence a day?” Again, this devilish Christmas angel or this angelic Christmas devil grinned at me.
“Thomas... Lucas” - panic, naked panic! - ‘I'm terribly sorry, I forgot something important, really!’ - My hands were as clammy as a towel after a shower. - ”Well... I really have to go.” Cold sweat ran down my body from openings I didn't even know I had before. ”I wish you... er, what then... oh yes, a nice evening. Greetings to mother, unknown wise one, er... I mean your Moni, of course.” - Can't a big black hole open up here somewhere? - “So I'll be off then, ... wish you a happy Easter, ... just in case we don't see each other again, I mean Christmas, of course... and have a nice time, well, don't slip, ... well, you know...” – Man, get out of here! I turned around, bang, and ran right into a bar table. The momentum I generated instantly destroyed the already chronically unstable center of mass of this ever-popular party piece of furniture. Immediately, it embarked on a journey in an arcuate path to approach the asphalt that promised a new equilibrium. Two small miracles saved my life. Firstly, the table was completely free of glasses, bottles, ashtrays or other nasty legacies. And secondly, the heavy table top missed the toes of the bull of a man standing opposite me by only a few centimeters. He would have made mincemeat out of me.
“Sorry, I'm really sorry, I just have to go urgently... I really hope that nothing happened to you, ... yes, sorry again!!” I babbled, while the cop just looked at me, slightly irritated. However, his hands were clenched in his trouser pockets. I leaped over the wreckage of the table and made sure to get some distance. I called back to Lucas and Thomas: “Well, bye guys... I hope I see you.” Well, did I really hope that?
I turned around again. On the one hand to make sure that the brawny muscle monster wasn't following me, and on the other hand to catch a last glimpse of my Christmas angel, whom I would definitely never see again after this disaster. I was absolutely sure of that.
I was also sure that Thomas and especially my little Christmas angel would laugh their heads off at me.
But what did I see?
Well, first of all, Mister Brawnyandwaytooomuchmuscle was still unable to decide how he should react appropriately, and had therefore lapsed into a state of complete lethargy as a precaution.
And Thomas? I just heard him answer a question that had been asked shortly before: “No, Lucas. He's really not always like that. He's actually a very bright and clever guy. I don't know what's wrong with him either, he was still completely normal until we got here at the pyramid. Maybe he can't stand the glow beer? Who knows?”
Well, and what was the cause of my sudden emotional emergency area, no, he wasn't grinning anymore, but, and this really took me by surprise, he looked after me very thoughtfully and, at least it seemed that way to me, extremely sadly.
Get out of here, I just thought. That look was now really absolutely subject to a weapons license. If I didn't want anything to happen that we would all regret for the rest of our lives, I had to put as much distance between us as possible. Another city occurred to me, another country maybe, no, even better another continent. I ran, I ran like crazy, but where should I go now?
Apparently I was slowly coming to myself, because the neoclassical, Christmas-decorated building of the main train station suddenly reappeared in front of me. Still driven by panic, I dashed through the smallest of the Christmas markets set up in this city towards the entrance to the train station. The seductive scent of fried mushrooms caught my nose. Should I dare it, I thought, because my empty, butterfly-freed stomach suddenly spoke up vehemently. No, screamed my still panic-stricken brain, no way! The danger that Thomas or, even worse, Lucas could come after you is much too great!
So on, I thought, first through the train station towards Cinemaxx and the high-rise. Incidentally, in this city it was perfectly normal to spend half the evening walking through the train station, after all, most of the party locations were spread out around it. And unless you had planned the evening well in advance and with military precision, you were bound to pass through the transportation hub of the city with its countless stores and fast-food restaurants one or more times. A fact that led to some evenings being just as busy in and around the station as they were during the day at rush hours. Completely unfazed by this realization, however, I hurried through the station towards the rear exit, still running away from myself, as it were.
Once there, I was greeted by the lively hustle and bustle on the large, adjoining square, which was split into two levels. This square, with its lovely and filthy 1970s romanticism, urgently needed a new investor with fresh money and even fresher ideas. Unfortunately, the old investor, a professional insolvency administrator, who, after failed attempts at maximizing profits, now had to manage himself, was forced to stop halfway. So on the one hand you had a 21st-century multiplex cinema, trendy disco, fitness temple and hip bar, and on the other, a Bhagwan disco, art house cinemas, Italian and Mexican restaurants in shabby concrete buildings with a 1970s flair. A crowd of people, bustling between Christmas and weekend fun, were coming from the second largest Christmas market in the city and were now heading for the train station and then surely on to the old town. However, I had no eye for all this. Looking straight ahead towards Hochstrasse, which closed off the square at the opposite end, I had just made a decision. I now wanted to purposefully take up my actual goal for this evening and plunge into the gay scene of this city. I was sure that I would run very little risk of running into Thomas and, of course, Lucas here. At the same time, I hoped that after years of abstinence and hiding, I would succumb to such a sensory overload that my little Christmas angel would be thoroughly washed out of my currently still rather confused brain.
I sighed heavily again as I walked firmly under the elevated highway and past the huge high-rise building towards the destination of my homoerotic experiment. But then I quickly pulled myself together and tried to look forward to the evening ahead. The destination also corresponded extremely well with my rebellious, protesting stomach. I was feeling suitably content as I finally approached the only men-only restaurant in the city, La Carrosse. But I was still a little queasy. Like on the entire way from the Christmas pyramid in the city center to here, I looked around furtively several times. This time, however, not only to make sure that neither Thomas nor Lucas had followed me, but also to be sure that I would not happen to run into any other familiar faces. At that moment, I cursed my inner conflict. On the one hand, I wanted to finally start being open and free about my orientation, but on the other hand, there was still this little devil inside of me, which suddenly made my knees tremble and my hands sweat and wanted to order my legs to turn around immediately and then immediately disappear into my quiet little room. I knew that by crossing the threshold of this restaurant, I would be publicly outing my special attraction to the male sex for the first time in my life, outing myself, even though none of those present around me would probably be particularly interested. But for me it was a very impressive step at the time. And if I hadn't realized at some point that if I had spent another hour gawking indecisively in front of the entrance, I would surely have been mistaken for a bouncer, I would probably still be in the midst of the first step to this momentous first step today.
So I finally plucked up my courage and ventured into the lion's den. Still hesitant, I pushed my way through the friendly-looking entrance area. Contrary to my worst fears, I was not greeted by a dimly lit, plush ambience, but by a really bright and subtly colorful interior.
The restaurant and the adjoining cocktail bar with lounge even radiated a truly sophisticated ambience. I quickly looked down at myself to check my wardrobe for dress code compatibility with an inner 'oh well, it'll do'. My entrance had prompted the few guests, who were of course all male, to glance over at me. Immediately, I felt several pairs of eyes scanning me. However, this only lasted a few seconds and then the briefly interrupted activities were resumed. I myself felt how I suddenly developed a healthy complexion. However, I didn't have much time to dwell on my embarrassingly healthy blood circulation, because I saw a neat-looking middle-aged waiter approaching me.
“Good evening sir, do you have a reservation?” he asked me, very professionally and not at all camp. This gave me a little security at first, only to have this delicate sprout of self-confidence wither immediately in the next moment.
“Um, no. Um, I mean, do you have to?“ I replied, stuttering, and then looked around questioningly at the half-empty restaurant.
“Oh, you don't have to, of course. But it's advisable. Our restaurant is usually very well attended,” my counterpart replied, not without a certain pride in his voice. “I assume that you would like to dine, or would you prefer to make yourself comfortable in our lounge?“ he smiled at me.
“No, no, I would like to eat something,” I replied this time, almost without stuttering.
“Yes, but you are in luck, because tonight I actually still have a place for you. Are you alone or are you expecting company?”
He looked at me expectantly.
“No, I'm alone.“ I had just managed to resist saying ‘unfortunately’.
I had the impression of now sensing a certain compassionate look, but today I am sure that it was just my imagination.
“Yes, if you would follow me, please,” and he pushed me to a window seat at the edge. Great, I thought. Now at least everyone passing by outside can see what kind of guy you are. That was total nonsense, of course. Firstly, everyone rushing by outside was far too busy with themselves, and secondly, who would go to the trouble of peering through the small window to see me sitting here. But still, at that moment I felt like I had a big sign around my neck saying, 'Jan-Philipp Böhm, 25, gay and just outed'.
“If you don't mind me asking, are you in town for a visit?” I was suddenly torn from my unpleasant thoughts. My waiter grinned encouragingly at me. “Errr?“ was all I could think to say.
“Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought we had mostly regulars here. And it seems to me that you are visiting our restaurant for the first time,” the waiter quickly replied.
“Uh, oh. No, not visiting, but I just recently moved here to this city. Your restaurant was recommended to me.” Yes, by myself, I added unheard, and continued: ”Well, and so I thought today would be a good day to try the recommendation. Oh, and thank you very much for your tip about the reservation, I will of course take it to heart for next time.” I was really proud of my almost stutter-free answer.
“Oh, please excuse my curiosity again. May I bring you the menu now or would you like a drink first?” I noticed how my restaurant attendant relaxed more and more.
I chose both the menu and a glass of red wine to start with. Oh, I felt increasingly comfortable and looked forward to a pleasant evening, which I would now spend alone with myself. This nice feeling was only briefly disturbed once by a small shock, which came from the prices that grinned at me after opening the leather-bound menu selection. Oh well, I calmed down pretty quickly, but today you have something to celebrate, namely your freedom. So I mentally changed into my “generous” trousers and, following that, I chose an opulent four-course meal, although my stomach was still empty and only filled with various alcoholic beverages.
While I was sipping a second glass of red wine, waiting for this little private gluttony to begin, I started to take an interest in the other guests.
As already mentioned, they were exclusively male. I realized that I was by far the youngest guest. Around me were rather middle-aged men. Here and there I met a shy, but sometimes also a somewhat disparaging look. Surprisingly, however, this was suddenly no longer so unpleasant for me. Slowly I even began to feel really comfortable. Curiously, I continued my observations.
Five other tables were occupied next to mine. Each of these was occupied by a couple. I observed how they interacted with each other. Here and there, I saw some conversation, then a loving glance, and at one table, I saw two hands in tender contact. This seemed perfectly natural to me, just like in any other restaurant in the world, except that there, it was mostly men and women sitting across from each other. At the table opposite, I noticed how the subdued chatter suddenly stopped, the couple looked deep into each other's eyes, then their heads approached and finally both met in a short but intimate kiss.
I found myself unable to avert my gaze. This was the first tender kiss between men that I saw consciously and live and in color. Well, and what about me, what did I feel? Honestly? Well, I just felt beautiful. An infinite longing arose in me.
“Oh Lucas,” I sighed barely audibly. “What I wouldn't give to be sitting here with you like those two lucky guys over there.”
I was startled. I looked around anxiously. Phew, apparently no one had heard me. Well, lucky me. Again I felt the urge to panic and run away from myself.
“Flip, you have to stop thinking about him. It's not good. He's just a kid. It's not normal. Find yourself another handsome boy, but someone your own age. Be happy with him, but get this sweet boy out of your head!”
The arrival of my starter saved me from further grueling thoughts, and I spent the next hour devouring a truly excellent meal.
“I'd like to pay right away,” I finally said to my waiter as he brought me a cappuccino to finish. ”And my compliments to the kitchen, the meal was simply amazing!”
I was stuffed and in an excellent mood when I finally, after sipping my cappuccino, paying the bill and leaving a decent tip, got ready to leave.
“So, now off to Cocido,” I said out loud to myself as I stood outside again in the wonderfully clear winter air.
The Cocido was and is one of the most popular gay bars in this city and is known for being a great place to chill and flirt. So just right for someone like me, I had thought when I was busy the day before with my internet research for tonight. I quickly looked up the address and put it on my to-do list for today.
Well, off to Cocido! That meant, first of all, a quick trudge through the train station. As I said, crossing the train station is a must for the night owls of this city. My route led me through the shopping mile again and of course past the huge Christmas pyramid. They had long since stopped selling the Panschglüh beer there, and the square was populated only by nocturnal prowlers like me. Mostly couples, of course. Even though most of them (well, actually all of them) were pretty straight, I also wanted to finally go out with a hottie on my arm, not straight of course, but of course really gay, that's for sure! Sigh, immediately there was this painting of a super-cute angel with tousled, black hair, killer look and steel-blue-green eyes in front of me again. The erotic factor skyrocketed, in soft focus, of course!
Oh, I thought, why can't my little angel just leave me alone. Man, Flip, that can never work. First of all, he's definitely not gay. The general claim of the girls that all really pretty men are gay, is (unfortunately) not true at all in my own experience and is actually only meant to hide the fact that the genus Homo Erectus Femininum is once again unable to drag a really cute jewel. And secondly, my little angel is just way too young! And two or three more years of celibacy after all these years of my monastic life is really too much to ask of me. It wouldn't work anyway. Just five minutes alone with this god somewhere and Flip the monster will clearly be awake!
So, there goes my self-control again. It's a good thing that I no longer had any desire for my carefully planned evening. All I wanted to do was go home, crawl into bed with a vanilla cream tea and wallow in self-pity. Ugh, the world is so hard and unfair! But somehow it was way too cold to cry here in the middle of the pedestrian zone, and the way back to the train station was just as long as it was to the hopefully cozy and warm Cocido. There you go! I trotted on, head down, hands buried deep in my pockets, enjoying my sudden bout of melancholy, past the city's entertainment district. That's another unique thing about this city. While elsewhere brothels, strip bars and nightclubs were nicely tucked away on the outskirts of town, the trade fair and expo city had no need to hide them. Right next to C&A, Babyparadies and fast-food temples, you could celebrate your heterosexual desires here for cash, of course. Well, it's not my thing, even if I were into girls instead of guys. But if it's your thing, then go for it.
So now I went on towards the insurance district and turning into a small side street, I suddenly found myself at the next stage of my gay self-discovery trip. I felt a bit queasy, even though I had only recently feasted on a whole company. Or maybe just because of that. Well, I took a deep breath and then went to the enemy. I spoke to the door that still separated me from this hopefully cozy and warm location. It was clear, after I had pushed the door like crazy, wondering to myself, maybe they saw you and locked it immediately? Then, on the verge of finally switching to my depressed phase and sneaking home, I tried to pull it open and entered. Man, who builds such stupid doors, I thought.
A really cozy warmth hit me. Okay, first plus point, I thought to myself. At first glance, the bar itself looked like any other bar intended for a young to middle-aged audience. A bit much plush maybe. Then my gaze fell on the countless naked putti in all possible forms and designs in more, more than less unambiguous poses and I knew, clearly here you are right. Although putti! Man, does everything have to remind me of these Christmas angels today!
I crept towards the bar. I sensed that I was being eyed by those present. This scanning must be some kind of gay ritual, I thought to myself. Well, I can live with it if I'm allowed to. Wow, that was suddenly a completely new realization for me. Usually, I would always look at some cuties very bashfully, being careful not to let anyone notice, but here it seemed to be quite natural.
So I changed direction, away from the bar and towards a free table in a box seat. So quite at the edge, but with a great view of the whole scene.
I had barely sat down when one of the really cute guys behind the bar approached me.
“Hello, I'm Kai. So, what can I get you?” he asked, at the same time presenting me with a drinks menu. No, well, who are you? Are you new here? Or, what brings you here? He didn't ask any questions, just gave me a really friendly smile while he patiently waited for me to quickly get an overview of the drinks on offer. I decided on the spot that I liked him and would make this place my local.
“Uh! Hi Kai, I'm Flip, actually Jan-Phillip, and it would be nice if you could bring me a mojito.”
“Sure, will do, one mojito coming up. Large or small?“ he asked.
“Er, large if you don't mind,” I replied. I nervously fiddled with the menu.
My assigned waiter disappeared only to return a short time later with two small bowls of peanuts and olives. “The mojito will be right with you,” he said and disappeared back towards the bar. Great service, I thought, and then watched my cocktail specialist as she began to prepare my drink. Not wanting to tear up the menu any further, I now began to help myself to the peanuts and then to scan the other people present. In front of the bar sat two middle-aged guys, one of them a fatherly type and an old '68er, and next to him a rather uptight-looking guy, a retail salesman with a balding head and a Hawaiian shirt (!), apparently purchased at the last summer bargain sale at Lidl.
Really, where is the good taste of gay guys that is so often cited!
At a bar to the side of the counter sat an apparently well-off couple (that is, a man and a woman) with a son! Wow, another completely new experience for me. Apparently, I just witnessed a massive display of tolerance here. Dad, a liberal-conservative bank manager, and his wife, who seems to be all, look what my husband can afford, apparently had no problem accompanying their gay son, who looks like a business student, to his favorite bar. It's probably even hip in those circles. Who wants a normal kid like that?
Well, I thought it was pretty cool and wondered if I would ever kidnap my mom here one day. To be honest, after thinking about it for a while, I didn't like the idea so much after all.
“So, here's your mojito, enjoy!” I was suddenly torn from my thoughts. My waiter, named Kai, perfectly placed first the obligatory napkin and then a huge pot of rum and lime drink in front of my nose. He disappeared again, leaving a hint of pleasantly scented eau de toilette at nose level for a brief moment. Hmm, suits him, I thought, fresh, not intrusive, but just the right amount. Oh, somehow I felt really good at that moment. And then the door opened and new guests entered the restaurant.
I looked up in horror and took a deep breath. Lucas!, I thought in panic. I noticed how everyone else in the room stared at the couple who had just entered. But they were really delicious to look at. I myself suddenly relaxed again, because at second glance I noticed that one of them looked very similar to mine (oh, what am I talking about again), that is, to Lucas. So black hair, sweet look, outrageously young and wiry, but only very similar. The other one was also tall, slim with blond, shoulder-length, wispy hair and with his baggy striped hoodie peeking out from under his jacket, he was really cute to look at. Both of them now walked towards the coat rack and took off their jackets. Then they looked around searchingly.
Suddenly they walked in my direction. My heart almost stopped, but then they changed direction again and headed for the free tables opposite me. Please, please don't sit in the corner, I thought. Phew, they decided on a place in the corner diagonally opposite me, where I could watch them almost unnoticed. Wow, that was really more beautiful than TV. How the two of them sat there, looking at each other deeply in love. First shy glances, then their hands touched playfully on the table. Briefly interrupted by Kai, who took their order. Then again cautious contact of the hands, loving glances and slow moving towards each other. Interrupted again by Kai, who brought them two glasses with ice cubes drowned in coke. Now that no more interruptions were to be expected for a while, the ice melted. So at the same time as in the cola glasses. First again loving looks, meanwhile both were already sitting on each other's laps. The black-haired guy had put his arm around his blonde sweetheart's shoulders, looked deep into his eyes and stroked his hair with his free hand.
“Can I get you anything else?” I was suddenly interrupted while staring at my very own emo channel. I must have been sucking on my mojito for the last five minutes like an idiot, trying loudly to suck the crushed ice through the straw, so that my service specialist had noticed.
“Uh, what? Oh, yes, please another one, is that possible?” I asked, grinning stupidly, fervently hoping that this Kai guy hadn't noticed my drooling look at the couple across the way. Apparently a professional enough, however, he didn't let on and a short time later another pot of rum and lime mixture was standing in front of me. Man, I just counted the different types of alcoholic beverages that I had poured into myself by now and I was sure to expect a pretty bad awakening the next morning. I then made a mental note to throw at least a family pack of aspirin at myself as soon as I got home, just to survive the next day at least to some extent. But what the heck, after this commercial break, I turned back to the erotic program that was being offered to me diagonally across from me. Apparently someone had pressed Fast Forward, because the two cuties were now both holding each other tightly and intimately. So I had tuned back in just in time to see the two of them tentatively and tenderly approaching each other's lips. Man, the director of this flick had to be a real pro. What I saw was just mega erotic. Well supplied with peanuts, olives and rum, I watched the program that was playing out in front of me, completely satisfied. What the two of them did, now completely detached from their surroundings, was just beautiful.
After the couple in La Carrosse, this was now the second time in my life that I watched a gay couple kissing live and in color. And what exactly was I thinking? Well, actually just, man, I want that too! If there were any doubts about whether I was not as polarized as I thought I was, then these were 100 percent dispelled from now on. Not only did I not mind this sight at all. Not only did I find these two, as they were so tender and mutually considerate with each other, incredibly sweet. Not only that an incredible tingling sensation flowed through my whole body. No, deep inside of me, slowly and gradually, an indescribable longing grew that suddenly began to hurt.
Suddenly it became crystal clear to me that what the two of them were demonstrating to me was what I wanted too. Maybe not tonight, no, certainly not. But as soon as possible. I didn't want to wait until I was old and shriveled. I needed a boyfriend, a really sweet and nice cuddle. He should be sweet and cuddly, and I wanted him as soon as possible. I got really dizzy in my alcohol-impregnated brain and my romantically contaminated heart did a few extra hops again. And again a very specific person appeared before my eyes. The mega-sweet grin that usually dominated his face was replaced by a sad and pensive look. Man, I was slowly beginning to despair. With a statistical proportion of five to ten percent gays in the total male population, there had to be someone else besides this admittedly mega-hot but still unattainable angel.
Desperate, dreamy and sighing inwardly, I looked over at the couple again, who were now tightly entwined. I did this for another half hour, wishing them both all my heart's young happiness and putting this happiness at the top of my wish list for the upcoming Christmas. As always, unfortunately this beautiful moment came to an end much too quickly. At some point the two of them broke away from each other, then apparently discussed briefly how the evening should continue, waved to Kai, who collected them a short time later, and then got up to leave the restaurant.
I looked after them longingly. As both disappeared through the door, I slowly became aware of the rest of my surroundings again. My personal service representative seemed to be the only remaining staff member at this late hour. The two guys in front of the bar had disappeared, and the bank manager and his son seemed to have left the bar a long time ago. Apart from me, only four other guests seemed to be clinging to their drinks. I looked at the clock, which showed one o'clock. I decided to let Kai go home and waved to him to indicate that I wanted to pay.
He nodded, typed something into the cash register and then pushed over to me, his waiter's wallet in his hands. “Well, are you coming?“ he asked.
“Yeah, I might go to the Fabrik,” I tried to sound cool and sophisticated.
“Oh, I see. And I thought you were new in town. I haven't seen you here before. But apparently you know your way around pretty well,” he said, smiling at me friendly.
“What? No, you're right, I've actually only been living in town for a short time, but I've heard that the factory is quite okay for someone like me.” Oops, hopefully that wasn't too intrusive. Suddenly I'm coming out and openly assuming that he's the same. Just because he works here doesn't mean that he's gay.
“Yes, you're right,” he brushed aside my concerns with his answer, ‘It's a shame, I still have to work here until the bitter end and I don't think that the four over there,’ his eyes wandered to the remaining guests, ‘will leave anytime soon. Otherwise, I might have come with you. But only if it wouldn't have bothered you, of course!’ he quickly added.
“Nah, sure not,“ I replied quite quickly.
“Well, that's a shame, Flip, but I'll settle up then.” Wow, he even remembered my name. While he was looking intently at his receipt, I took a closer look at this Kai for the first time. Well, actually quite cute. Slim, not as tall as me, more like 1.75m, short blonde hair. And if I had understood correctly, he had light blue eyes. But what was most remarkable was his open and friendly face. He had a very likeable nature. There seemed to be nothing wrong with his friendliness.
“So, that was three large mojitos,” he finally calculated. ‘That makes €22.50.’ I rummaged around in my wallet and handed him a twenty and a ten-euro coin. ‘Keep the change,’ I said without thinking. I wasn't exactly wealthy, but, as I mentioned earlier, I didn't really have a money problem. And when I was enjoying myself, then, as was my principle, others should also have fun. So if I liked a place, I was never stingy with the tips. And tonight I had really liked it here.
“Uh, how... Is that really okay?” Kai asked me.
“Yes, yes please!“ I replied somewhat intimidated. Man, what does he think of me now.
“Yes, then thank you very much and have a nice evening,” he said, and turned to leave.
“Thank you, you too, and hopefully an early end to work too,“ I replied.
“Errr, Flip!” He suddenly turned back to me. I looked at him expectantly.
“Yes, Kai, what is it?“ I replied in an extremely intelligent manner.
“Oh, um. Not that you'll think anything of me now. But you seem like a nice guy and since you're new in town, I thought maybe you'd like to chat or go out on the town again. So here, ahem...” He rummaged around in his wallet. Finally, he found what he was looking for. He pulled a small card out of a small side pocket, where he had probably placed it beforehand. “Ahem, so here's my number.” He gave me a kind of business card. Apparently made on the PC himself. I looked at it. It was very sober. Not as embarrassing as most of the ones I'd seen from some wannabe important people so far. Just my name, Kai Fischer, address, landline and cell phone number.
“So just in case you feel like it. Just give me a call. We sisters have to stick together,” he smiled shyly at me.
Sisters? I thought desperately and then I understood, oh so clearly, well, I still had a little to learn. Now it was my turn to be a little shy.
I rummaged in my pockets and actually found one of my brand-new company business cards. “Do you have something to write?” I asked. “I only have my company card here, but I'll write down my private landline and cell phone number.” He gave me his pen and I scribbled the numbers on my card and pressed both the pen and the card into his hand.
“Wow, Dipl-Ing.!” he read out. I blushed. ‘Well, not for long,’ I said. ”I'm sorry, I didn't have any other card.”
“Don't be sorry. I'd rather do something other than wait tables, but with the job here, my studies are somehow going nowhere.”
“What are you studying?” I asked. ‘Physics and math teaching,’ he replied. ”But as I said, at the moment I'm a bit down.”
“Doesn't matter, I think it's great that you're trying to earn your own money. After all, not everyone has parents with tons of money. In any case, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that it continues.” I noticed a brief, dark shadow flit across his face at the mention of his parents. “In any case, thank you for your offer. If you don't mind, I'll actually take you up on it,” I added.
“Of course, I'd be happy to, and I'm looking forward to it,” he replied, beaming at me.
I said goodbye to him, put on my jacket, wrapped my scarf around me and pushed my cap deep into my face. As a freshly dressed Eskimo, I prepared to leave the Cocido. When I reached the door, I looked back and nodded encouragingly at Kai again. Two bright blue headlights shone back at me. He also waved at me timidly goodbye.
Wow, it occurred to me, could it be that someone just hit on you? Nah, that can't be. Who would fancy you? But the more I thought about it, the more likely it seemed to me. That was really new to me. Yet another thing to think about over the next few days. A little confused, I padded out onto the street. What surprises this evening will still bring, I thought.
From Cocido to the factory it was not far. Once across the university campus, then on the embankment towards Christuskirche and I was already standing in front of a entrance crowned with neon signs, including a “friendly and inviting” steel door with a peephole. Well, that was not my thing at all. Actually, I hate such clubs, whose entrances look like a maximum security prison, with arrogant bouncers in front of them, who treat you more like a supplicant than a wealthy guest. They just had to like your nose and you were out, outcast, social descent, no longer a member of this western party society. The only chance was to queue again the next day and hope to still make the social advancement and to be let in by these assholes into one of these piss clubs. But not with me! I could do without that.
There was a similar place in Berlin under the S-Bahn arches at Hack'schen Markt. For years, whenever I visited the capital, I tried to get into this... place. But I always failed because of the disco militia. My dearest wish was to own enough money to buy this stupid place. I would then drive up there in a big way, close this stupid place immediately and put all these noses out into the fresh air. Well, dreams. Most of the time, these attempts ended with a completely depressed Jan-Phillip drowning his frustration in The Harp, the neighboring Irish pub.
I had just made up my mind to turn back when the door suddenly opened. A group of guys came out, chatting happily.
Okay Flip, I thought, it's worth a try. Hesitantly, I went in. As expected, a cash register with a barrier, so three “nice” gentlemen in black C&A suits, short-cropped hair and angular faces were hanging around. It couldn't have been more tasteless. And? I couldn't believe it. When I took out my wallet to pay the inevitable entrance fee, the gentlemen from Club Guerilla smiled at me – well, am I in the wrong movie? – really smiled at me!
“Good evening,” said one of them. ‘By the way, tonight is free admission. If you would like to take this card, we will settle up via these cards here at the exit as soon as you leave.’ And he pressed a piece of plastic into my hand.
His colleague opened the barrier and nodded in a friendly manner, letting me through. Well, that's a completely new experience, I thought as I walked down the stairs towards the music booming towards me. When I arrived downstairs, I was kindly directed to the cloakroom, where I got rid of my jacket, scarf and hat. They didn't want any money from me here either. When I turned around, a nice girl with a tray came up to me and pressed a glass of sparkling wine into my hand “as a welcome,” as she said. Well, I like that, I thought to myself as I thanked her politely. I liked it. Even if there also seem to be girls serving here. But what the heck, you gotta have a heart for the weak, misguided sex. This place has nothing in common with the straight, sleazy bars I've had the misfortune of getting to know. Slowly but surely, I came to the conclusion that I had indeed made a lucky choice with this sexual orientation, which I had not influenced at all. To put it briefly, I liked all the gay bars I visited today a thousand times better than the places I had to go to until now to indulge in my nightlife.
Pretty satisfied with myself and the world, I now entered the dance hall. The ambience could be described as tidy and friendly. Fashionable bar with a long counter including an unobstructed view of the dance floor. Black, partly mirrored walls. A small stage for the DJ and to the right of the bar a separée for cuddling. No frills, no dusty cheap plastic palm frills, just back to the roots and good. I also liked the music right away. Nothing I would listen to at home, but here it was not bad for dancing or just watching. So I immediately tackled the latter, the looking. First I looked for a nice place at the bar, then I ordered a Coke Light. At some point I had to try to make tomorrow's (or rather today's) awakening halfway bearable. So, now I was looking fresh and free.
Although the place here, according to the World Wide Web, was clearly assigned to the hazy gay scene, some girls and even some straight couples had also strayed in. But apparently they practiced tolerance, which is probably a new experience for most heterosexuals, I thought bitterly. On the dance floor, there was the usual lively hustle and bustle of a disco, coupled with the unsolicited but unavoidable interludes of a few self-promoters. Even gay discos don't seem to differ from straight dance halls in this respect. Around the dance floor, there were one or two guys hanging around, most of them apparently there to check out the meat, as one could tell from their scrutinizing glances. The booth in the background seemed to be occupied by a few successful meat buyers, because there was less chatting and more unrestrained smooching going on there. As I was lost in thought, sucking on my coke, I suddenly noticed a couple who were just leaving the booth hand in hand and heading for the dance floor. Remembering the unpleasant experience from earlier that evening, I put down my coke first, and then, with a start, I was delighted to recognize them as the couple from the cocido. Judging by their completely tousled hair and crumpled faces, they probably felt the need to stretch their limbs after a long cuddle and smooch. But they both couldn't really let go of themselves, because even though the music had nothing to do with soft rock, they began to dance, closely entwined. Love looks alternated with tender kisses and now and then one of them gently laid his head on the other's shoulder. Oh, I was already starting to sigh inwardly again. The longer I watched them, the more the dark-haired guy turned into my Christmas angel and I realized how I longed to replace the blond guy with his hooded sweatshirt with my one.
Damn, damn, damn! I suddenly thought, why does that boy just not let you go? Man Flip, tonight could have been so nice. Everything was just as you had hoped in your wildest dreams. Great locations, great, super cute guys, you even have one of their phone numbers in your pocket, so even more than you ever hoped for on your first night here, and all you can think about is that snotty kid. I suddenly felt kind of exhausted and looked at my watch. Two o'clock, well, that wasn't much time, but somehow I now felt like ending my first foray into the home world today. I downed the rest of my coke, took a last longing look at the couple dancing closely entwined, and then trotted towards the cloakroom, took my things, thanked the attendant with a small tip, then turned towards the exit, paid for my one glass of coke, feeling a little embarrassed, but was still given a friendly farewell by the doorman team and suddenly found myself back outside in the cold, clear winter air.
So, what now?, I thought. Well, I could walk home, it's not that far from here, or I could take a taxi. On the other hand, I didn't feel like brooding, and my current state simply promised a night of thinking and sleepless tossing and turning if I went home now. So what to do? Well, of course, first back to the train station. First of all, I would down a cup of that “legendary” coffee they had there, and then maybe go to some club, a straight one this time, to distract myself. The sight of straight couples licking each other off has always turned you off, you could rely on that. That was exactly what I needed to finally get over this tricky Christmas angel.
Well, dear esteemed reader, had I known at the time what this decision, made in my childish naivety, would entail, I would have probably run home screaming and non-stop, barricaded my door and crept under the covers, trembling, but so I trotted unsuspectingly towards the train station, unaware that my life would soon change completely.
If this were a movie, preferably one of those shown on ZDF on Sunday evenings at 8:15 p.m., there would probably now be a schmaltzy, dramatic piece of background music playing for the next five to ten minutes. But as it is, it is just the dry report from the somewhat more interesting part of my life, which I have been hammering into my new laptop with my untalented fingers for hours now, at the risk of developing carpal tunnel syndrome.
So, now back to the story and back to a rather pissed off, just as confused and also miserably shivering Jan-Phillip, who was again stomping through a just beginning snowfall towards the city center with his hands buried deep in his pockets. Funny, I thought, you used to not be such a wimp when it came to the cold. It must have something to do with being gay. I think gays are always cold, just like girls. In the past, when you weren't gay yet, or at least didn't know it, you didn't shiver so much in this kind of weather. I know that's complete nonsense, but thoughts like that went through my head that evening. After a series of such profound reflections, I finally reached the train station. The warmly lit main hall welcomed me with cozy warmth. At the same time, I realized that all this running around in the cold, clear winter air had done me good, despite the frost attack. Most of the effects of the various alcoholic beverages seemed to have worn off. Now a pot of coffee and I might be able to survive the coming day without chemical helpers. So I went straight to Curry Paul. The place was an institution. Open 24/7 and the official canteen for traveling railway employees, there was always something going on here and, what's more, it had everything a night owl needed.
So after I had consumed a large pot of steaming, black, remotely coffee-like brew, I began to wonder where to go. I looked at the sign Curry Paul, which was emblazoned above the part of the food counter that housed the grill and where the sausages were tamed. Then it occurred to me, oh yes, Paul. Well, then I'll stop by Paul Paolo in a minute. I've always wanted to go into that place. Right behind the train station was a music bar (actually nothing more than a disco) with a large awning at the entrance, probably as a permanent stopgap because the place was simply too small. The music blared out of this tent at a mega-loud volume, but that didn't bother anyone, because apart from the police station across the street, which was manned around the clock, no one lived in this place who might actually be disturbed by the noise. The reason I had avoided the place until now was because of my already mentioned special love for the bouncer mafia. However, the positive counterexample I had experienced earlier had encouraged me to give it a try here too.
Well, that courage was not particularly rewarded. No sooner had I arrived at the shop than I was scrutinized by a particularly “nice” specimen of the species. I had already estimated the result of his evaluation with the grade “unsatisfactory” and was already turning to leave when he raised his overall rating to “just sufficient” and granted me entry with a patronizing look. Man, I hate those guys and I just wish the plague on the neck of all clubs that let this species loose on humanity.
Well, I was in. What luck. Man, I could puke. But I didn't, instead I pushed my way into the actual disco area. It was full, it was loud and it was stuffy. Man, when will they finally ban smoking? As far as I'm concerned, a pack of cigarettes could cost fifty euros. Then these addicts wouldn't be able to afford anything else and would only pollute the air at home in their apartments, but so what? Well, I'll probably just survive it. So I pushed my way through the fog-shrouded room, ignoring my streaming eyes, until I finally stood in front of the bar. I leaned forward to communicate my desire for a Pils beer to the chronically ignorant bar staff. In doing so, I leaned on the counter. Big mistake! The thing was so greasy that I stuck to it. After one of the chicks behind the bar simply couldn't ignore my order request anymore, I freed my hands from the counter, leaving the outermost layers of skin there, I'm sure. But what the heck, I got my beer, which was poured sloppily and dripped like a gravel truck, paid for it with a five-euro bill, waived my change, which was surely full to the brim, and turned to the dance floor. Just don't lean on it, I thought, as my ass came dangerously close to the counter. What I saw on the dance floor was mediocre. Here and there were a few really pretty guys, but they were mostly fawning around some completely puffed-up bitches. Everywhere I looked, there were hormone-driven heterosexuals displaying exaggerated courtship behavior. Ugh, it made me want to throw up! I sipped my beer and now I almost threw up for real. Damn, that was actually a local Pilsner and not even at the right temperature! Given the temperature, they might as well have sold it as a grog. But they might as well have sold the local Pilsner as an ice lolly, because even the best temperature control couldn't save this disaster. Well, just a brief explanation. I love this city, really. This city is a thousand times better than its reputation and since the Expo it has even had real flair. But one thing you can't blame the people here for, and that is that they have the slightest idea about brewing beer, even if they keep trying. They were all completely resistant to advice here. But what the heck, most of the landlords had understood and always offered a drinkable alternative for connoisseurs, you just had to remember that when you ordered. Okay, I hadn't thought of that this time and so I had to suffer. But even a 0.4l glass is empty at some point.
Well, soon the glass was empty, but the bladder was full. What a bummer, I thought, worst case. Now on the pot and this! After the unpleasant experience with the filthy bar and considering the pleasure-seeking masses here, I had no illusions about the state of the sanitary facilities. A sign showed me the way to the relief-promising facilities. I took another deep breath, well, great, it wasn't much more than tens of cubic meters of cold smoke either, but it was still better than what was waiting for me right away. I opened the door and a lively mixture of breathtaking smells hit me. Well, I'd better be quick then. With little Phillip in my hand, I finally sought relief, taking great care not to touch anything, especially not with the little rascal in my hands. So, that was done. Quickly wrapped up my pride and joy. A glance at the sink showed me that good manners were out of place here and that I should do without washing my hands. I was about to leave the place quickly when a groan from one of the cubicles behind me made me turn around anxiously. The door was only ajar and I vaguely recognized a figure kneeling on the floor, hugging the grubby porcelain. Nice, I thought. Another groan. Please not him, I thought desperately, let someone else take care of him. Some buddy who isn't as drunk as he is. I was about to leave when there was another groan, then a choking sound, then a whimper. Oh shit, I thought, but I couldn't help it and went over to the cubicle. I carefully opened the door and looked at the patient. “No, that can't be? No, that's not true, is it?” I exclaimed in shock. But a closer look proved it to be true. Before me, seemingly totally wiped out of the heavenly realms, lay a fallen angel, my fallen angel. Before me, throwing up his guts, was Lucas!
“Man Lucas, this can't be true, what did you do?” I shouted, completely horrified, and rushed into the cabin. The pungent smell of fresh puke hit me. I had to swallow and was on the verge of also throwing the opulent meal I had eaten a few hours ago into the dirty bowl out of pure sympathy. But the sight of my fallen angel lying there, completely filthy, shaking and spitting bile, left me only mechanically responsive.
“Come on, Lucas, you have to get out of here. You can't stay here forever,” I said, kneeling down beside him. I looked at his face. He was ashen, with tears in his eyes from the exertion. I felt his forehead and noticed the cold sweat. Then I saw the crust of dirt on his face. I didn't even want to think about what it was made of. Again, I had to suppress my own nausea. Man, where's the paper in this damn toilet?, I thought, as I looked at the “of course” empty paper roll in the cabin. I jumped out and swept through the remaining cabins, followed by a “man, find your own pot” or “man, hey, piss off!” as I rudely woke one or the other guest who had fallen asleep on the bowl. Ah, there, I cheered inwardly, in one cabin there was actually still an intact and apparently usable roll of paper. I grabbed it and ran to the sink, unrolling some of the paper as I went. I overcame myself and fumbled with the contaminated faucet.
I held the unwound paper in the water jet, soaked it and then ran back to my sick angel. I let the water run, but that's not my thing. If they can't clean this dump, I'm not going to touch this piece of junk again voluntarily.
I knelt down again beside Lucas, who was still hanging apathetically over the bowl, balancing the roll of paper on my thighs. I grasped his chin with my free hand, gently pulled his head towards me so that he had to look at me, and then, using the soaked paper, I began the cleanup on his face.
Slowly, it seemed to me, he came to. “Feels sooooo nice to have you here,” he slurred. “Even if it's just a dream.”
Somehow he looked at me with a slightly crazed grin. Well, I didn't think anything of it and at the same time I was annoyed to realize that the soggy paper wasn't enough. So I threw it in the toilet, took the roll and jumped up to go to the sink again, noticing a few curious noses peeking through the cubicle door. Now my anger was really boiling up inside me, how dare they stare at Lucas, my Lucas, like that. Nobody had helped him and now they didn't have the right to stare at him like that either. “Man, piss off! All of you! You're disturbing me!” I snapped at them, only to get a “It's okay, man” in reply. Anyway, they left and I was able to go back to the sink, where the water was still running. When I returned with a new, soaked wad of paper, I saw that Lucas had meanwhile detached himself from the porcelain and was now sitting on the floor with his legs stretched out away from each other, his back leaning against the cabin wall. He still looked at me with glassy eyes. “Oh Fhhlipp, it'ssso nice that you're here again. Even if it'ssst just a dream, I thought you'd gone for good.”
Okay, somehow I seemed to have missed something, but I didn't really care right now. I leaned over him and continued my cleaning work on his face. I repeated the whole thing, soaking the paper, wiping it around on his face, throwing the paper away and getting a new one, four times in total. I then used the rest of the roll to dry my angel.
“Man, Phillip, is that really you?” my angel suddenly blinked at me after I ran the dry paper through his face one last time. ‘Really for real?’ Somehow I still didn't understand, but apparently his alcohol-fogged brain had cleared up a bit when his pretty face was uncovered. “Come on, Flip, let's kiss.” I realized that he wanted to give me a big kiss. Half an hour ago, I had wanted nothing more than that, but now it was the last thing I wanted. The beguiling scent of marzipan, which, together with the sweet exterior of this boy, had almost driven me crazy at the Christmas pyramid, was no longer noticeable. Instead, the pungent smell of this place had taken its place. Involuntarily, I flinched back. Immediately, I noticed a shadow flit across his face. His eyes looked at me very sadly. “Oh, sure,” he sighed deeply. “It was clear, you don't like me at all, that's why you ran away in town earlier. You probably can't stand me, right? Unn, now as well as not anymore! Aacch Scheiße... Übbs... Boah, I feel sick,” was all he could manage to say. I was panicking, expecting another attack of nausea, when I realized that he looked rather apathetic again and then seemed to fall asleep! Great, I thought, what else is there?
There was no way around it, we had to get out of here. I couldn't stand the filth and stench for much longer. I shook him, slapped him gently around the face. He didn't really wake up, but I noticed, as I pushed him up the cabin wall, grabbing him under the armpits, that he bent his legs and apparently half-asleep helped. Well, at least that, I was pleased. Holding him against the wall, I took a breather. I wondered what his strange babbling meant. Why does he think I don't like him? And why does he care anyway? Well, never mind, I said to myself, we can still sort that out, but now let's get out of here. I took him by the arm and put his arm around my shoulder, took a deep breath and then ordered him: “Come on Lucas, let's get out of here and pull yourself together!” As I held him like that, I could feel that my little angel was quite well built, despite his jacket and sweater. Even though he didn't seem to have a problem with being overweight, I was still glad that my foster child, who was apparently still half asleep, was ready to follow my orders. With difficulty, we both left this inhospitable place. Since neither he nor I had checked our jackets at the cloakroom, I pushed him directly through the dance floor towards the exit, barking unfriendly comments to clear our path.
When we arrived at the exit, we were immediately eyed by these disgusting doormen. “Bää hab iscch einen Geschmack im Mund,” my fallen angel babbled.
“Hey you!” barked one of these wannabe Rambos, looking at me in a deliberately casual manner. ”Get the hell out of here, and take your drunk buddy with you, you hear me?”
Now something in me snapped. First, however, I parked my angel on one of the free chairs, which were probably intended for these meatballs here in case their muscle mountains pressed too hard on their brains (which they certainly had in their ass...). Then I stood in front of this particularly nice specimen and barked at him:
“So, you asshole, now you listen to me very carefully, I'll talk very slowly so you have a chance of understanding any of it.” I was amazed at my own courage, or was it just recklessness? Actually, it was plain suicide to take on this Mr. Muscleman here in front of his stupid colleagues. He must have thought the same thing and instead of beating me up, he just stared at me stupidly.
“So,” I continued, ”I come here completely clueless to your shitty shed and the first thing I see here is a kid, full to the brim with alcohol, who almost dies of vomiting on your filthy pot. Just look at the lad, he's only sixteen if he's a day. I'd like to know which of you assholes let him in here.”
“Yes, but...” Muscle Man tried to assert himself.
“Shut up, I'm talking now,” I snapped. Man, where did I get the courage, I wondered, not knowing I had slept in the Kaba can that night.
“So, again, you let a minor in here at this hour, give him alcohol and then almost let him die in your toilet. I'll give you a choice: you get him a bottle of water, then you call a taxi for both of us and I'll forget all about this. Or we can leave now, go over to our friends and helpers right here, “I pointed in the direction of the police station,” and there's a hefty charge. Did I make myself clear?” I asked challengingly.
“Yes, sure,” muscle man replied, and you could literally see his brain working. ‘The water's fine.’ He nodded to one of his gorillas, who immediately disappeared, only to come back with a bottle of water.
“But with the taxi, do you think they'll take you or rather him?” he pointed to Lucas. ‘In this state?’ Okay, he's right about that, I thought, but then said: ”Leave that to me!”
Muscle man then fumbled a cell phone out of his pocket. It was interesting to see him try to operate this delicate device with his huge paw. Somehow, though, he managed to enter the number and then even had the communicative ability to order us a taxi.
“The taxi will be here in about ten minutes,” he said. ‘They have a permit to drive through, so it will pick you up right here,’ he added.
Well, so far it has worked out well. I myself now took care of Lucas again and tried to get him to drink some water. At first he seemed to want to resist, babbling as he was, but in the end I was able to persuade him to give in. He then even greedily drank almost half the bottle.
Muscle Man and his friends apparently didn't know how to handle the situation. They had obviously never experienced a wimp like me losing his shit in front of everyone. I myself was amazed at myself.
A short time later, the taxi arrived. The driver got out, saw me, then saw Lucas and immediately wanted to leave again, and without us. Okay, in that respect, muscle man was right. However, my obsession with always having enough cash on me paid off now. Plastic cards weren't really my thing anyway, and I felt naked without enough cash in my pocket. I pulled our unruly chauffeur aside, reached into my wallet and took out a 50-euro bill. “This is yours as a kind of bonus for driving us. Fare not included, of course, and if any mishap should actually occur, I'll pay for the cleaning and the loss of earnings.” Our chauffeur looked at me appraisingly and then nodded in agreement. Phew, I thought, that was close. So, now I was also about to face the next problem. Apart from the fact that I didn't know where Lucas actually lived, and I had had zero success in the last ten minutes in trying to get him to reveal his address, I didn't want to overstretch our driver's dearly bought tolerance. A decision had to be made, and that was: off to my place!
No sooner said than done, I joined Lucas in the back of the car and then described the way to me to our driver. I noticed that he was driving as if he were transporting raw eggs. Well, despite the leatherette seats, I wouldn't have trusted him either if I were in his shoes. And off we went. “Flip, youuu Fliiipp, I have to go,” Lucas slurred softly as soon as we started driving. “Man Lucas, pull yourself together,” I hissed in his ear. ‘You can't go now, besides, it won't take long and we'll be at my place.”
“Oh great, really at yours?’ he looked at me with huge childlike eyes, but then followed up: ”Youuuu Fliiipp, I have to go.”
It went on like that for the whole ten minutes we were driving. I was sweating blood and water. Our driver must have noticed my distress as well. Suddenly he drove much faster and even passed one of the traffic lights at a deep dark yellow.
We finally arrived in front of my apartment building. The driver stopped, I gave him another 20-euro note and in return he helped me to lift Lucas out of the car. I then leaned him against the wall next to the front door, looked briefly after the taxi as it sped off, and then fumbled for my key.
“Youuuu Fliiipp?” I suddenly heard Lucas say triumphantly. ”Youu, now I don't have to anymore!”
I turned around, involuntarily looked in the direction of his privates and a dark spot in his trousers revealed the mishap to me. I was close to screaming!
“Damn it, Lucas, you're a total pain in the ass. Taking care of a bag of fleas would be a blessing compared to you!” An incredibly sad dachshund look met me right in the heart. Oh guy, I thought, you have no idea how much I love you. But right now I just want to smack you against the wall. “Come on,” I said, trying to sound conciliatory, ‘we'll figure it out somehow.”
“Oh Flip, you must really hate me,’ he suddenly began to whine. ‘The way I've behaved is so crappy.’ He sniffed and almost started blubbering. Was this the typical alcohol-fuelled sentimentality or what?, I thought, but then said:
“Man Lucas, it's really not that bad. You just poured a lot into yourself today. But it'll be fine. Just try to get through the stairwell without any accidents. We'll manage the rest.”
I tried to look at him encouragingly, but this apparently had the opposite effect. Suddenly he burst into tears and then wrapped his arms around me. A cloud of alcohol, bad breath and well... suddenly surrounded me as well. “Oh, you're just way too good to me,” he breathed against me.
I tried to free myself from him and replied, “Well, I think that too, but now let's see that we get into the warmth. I'm slowly freezing my ass off here.” So I finally unlocked the front door and pushed Lucas in front of me towards the elevator. A few minutes later, we finally stood in front of my apartment. Surprisingly fast, I found the right key and barely entered, I maneuvered my angel into the bathroom. Once there, I placed him on the toilet and then began to rip my clothes off.
No, dear readers, not what you are thinking. I just wanted to get out of the clammy and filthy clothes. I only undressed to my retro and noticed that Lucas looked at me a bit baffled.
“Yeah, come on, hurry up!” I said to him. ”Get out of your greasy clothes. I want to fire up another machine in a minute. With the dryer, your clothes will be clean and dry again this afternoon.”
He seemed to understand and started to finger his clothes rather awkwardly.
“Come on, let me help you, you'll never get it done like that,” I finally said, unnerved, and started to peel him out of his clothes. ‘Hey, this probably isn't the first time you've helped a boy out of his clothes,’ he grinned at me somewhat uncertainly as he finally sat on the toilet wearing only his wet boxer shorts. “Well, if you think so,” I just replied. However, I had to admit that if it hadn't been for the somewhat off-putting circumstances of the last hour, the way he was sitting with a really hot body on which everything was just right, I would have certainly made a move on him on the spot. But as it was, I just wanted to go to bed. ‘So Lucas, now pay attention,’ I said seriously. I really don't feel like playing around anymore. I'll get you some clothes for the night and prepare the bed in my study for you. In the meantime, you can try to take a shower without drowning yourself and lay out your shorts for me so that I can put them in the wash right away. Do you think you can manage that?”
“Yes sir!” he replied, jumped up and wanted to salute. However, he swayed dangerously and only just managed to catch himself on the shower cubicle.
“Lucas, please, I'm not joking. I just want to go to bed and I don't feel like playing the Good Samaritan again tonight. Clear?”
He nodded sheepishly. I disappeared into the bedroom to find him a T-shirt and a retro of mine for the night, then went back to the bathroom, showed him where he could find towels and shampoo, and then set about preparing his bed for the night. By now it was four o'clock and I was just dead tired. When I came back to the hallway, his shorts were lying there. With pointed fingers, I put them in the machine in my kitchen. Yes, I had to wash and dry in the kitchen because the bathroom was too small for the machine and dryer. The kitchen, on the other hand, was huge and both appliances were optimally integrated into my custom-made fitted kitchen.
I then went back to my bedroom to get my pyjamas. I sat down on my bed and waited. After a short while, I heard the bathroom door open and a moment later Lucas, freshly showered, stood in front of me. The blue T-shirt with the somewhat childish print, which I had picked out for him, and the black retro looked fabulous on him. He was just tousling his velvety black hair with a towel. With all my might, I tried to prevent little Phillip from openly showing how much I liked the sight.
“Wait, I'll show you where you can sleep tonight. Just come with me, please.”
“Oh, what a shame, you really do have a cool place to lie down here,” he said, looking at my really huge French bed. ‘I could imagine being totally comfortable in it too,’ he grinned at me.
“No way!” I replied hastily. ”I just want absolute peace and quiet today. Besides, your bed is already ready. So beat it. Oh, by the way, I also put a bucket next to it, just in case, and the toilet is right next door.”
This time it was my turn to grin broadly when I saw his bewildered face. I escorted him to the study, put a glass and a bottle of mineral water in front of him and then disappeared into the bathroom to get myself ready again so that I could please myself again.
After a long shower, I put on my nightclothes and dragged myself to my room. “Good night, Flip, and thank you!” I heard Lucas call from the study. “Yes, good night to you too, Lucas, and sweet dreams.”
“I'm sure I will,” he replied. “And I already know who!”
That nutcase, I thought to myself as I finally snuggled into my soft and warm bed. I had barely turned off the light when I was already fast asleep in Morpheus' arms. I woke up briefly when I thought my bedroom door had moved. Still half asleep, I fumbled for the light switch on my bedside lamp, but couldn't find it right away, so I decided to just go back to sleep. The second time I woke up was when I felt a warm body snuggle up against me. I was startled, but thanks to the neon sign of the hotel across the street, I didn't even need to reach for the light switch to realize that Lucas had probably secretly snuck into my bed, then cuddled up against my back while I was sleeping, and now, as I gently rolled onto my back, put his arm tenderly around my stomach. He was still grumbling something in his deep sleep, which sounded almost like “Flip”, and a smile appeared on his face.
I felt like anything but smiling. I was just on the verge of breaking. There was this angel lying next to me, completely innocent. Probably just out of gratitude and maybe also because he was a bit afraid of waking up tomorrow, and yet he doesn't know what kind of beast just woke up next to him. My little angel was in the greatest danger and he had no idea. Yes, he was really in the greatest danger of being devoured by me. If I hadn't known it before, from now on I knew very well what torment Tantalus had suffered according to the legend. I looked at my victim and at the same time I firmly resolved not to succumb to my inner desires, whatever the cost. I just couldn't. He was too young, but also damn handsome, I thought. He's definitely not gay, but he's got a body that's way too hot to be straight, I thought. Man, he's still way too innocent, you don't believe that yourself, I thought. So it went on for quite a while, with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde celebrating their merry resurrection in me. The fact that Lucas' typical scent now filled my nostrils and his full, sweet lips smiled at me in my sleep was the last straw. I don't know how long I lay there on my back, staring at the ceiling, trying to ignore the fact that little Phillip was desperately trying to pierce the fabric of my retro. But I remained steadfast. I could still award myself a medal for that today. At some point, the inner struggle must have weakened me to such an extent that I fell asleep. Not, however, without having inhaled once more the beguiling scent of the fabulous angel next to me.
When I woke up again, it was broad daylight. The scent I now noticed was different and when I looked next to me, the side where my angel had lain was empty. A slight panic came over me, which only subsided when I heard a clatter in the kitchen and recognized the scent that now filled the apartment as that of freshly brewed coffee and baked rolls.
Now I heard a soft clatter in the hallway, and then, in the next moment, I saw the bedroom door, which was only ajar, being carefully pushed open. The first thing I saw was an overflowing tray, which timidly crept into the room, followed by Lucas, beaming from ear to ear. It looked just adorable as he slowly poked his tousled head through the door, balancing the tray and looking at me with a honey-sweet smile. “Good morning Flip, did you sleep well?” He asked, to which I mumbled “Well, actually I'm not really awake yet.” “Come on, sleepyhead, it's almost two o'clock in the afternoon and I thought it was time for a decent breakfast. I hope you're not angry with me for taking a few things out of your fridge?”
“A few things?” I asked mockingly. ”Well, it seems to me that you plundered the entire fridge and half the kitchen cupboard too. There was no more room on the tray, was there?”
“Yes, you're right, there really wasn't any more room, but you've got a second one in the kitchen, I'll get it in a minute, there are still the dishes, the rolls, the eggs and the coffee on it. You do drink coffee, don't you? Or should I make tea or cocoa? By the way, my compliments, you're really well equipped and furnished.”
“No, never mind, coffee is fine. But am I right in thinking that we are really supposed to eat here in my bed?“ I asked, puzzled.
“Yeah, sure, it's totally romantic... Uh, I mean totally cool,” he corrected himself when he noticed my baffled look, and blushed.
“And the crumbs?” I tried to salvage the situation. ‘I'll have to change the whole bed later.”
“Oh, we'll take precautions, and if it comes to it, I'll help, of course!’ he offered.
Well, somehow that had something to be said for it, because actually I was still much too lazy to get up, but on the other hand I felt something like hunger. Lucas put the tray in the middle of the bed and then disappeared into the kitchen again, only to come back a short time later with the second tray. He placed this in the middle of the bed as well, and then carefully sat down next to it. He immediately began slicing a roll and spreading butter on it. Well, we could confidently leave the provisioning, because this one roll alone crumbled enough to cover half the bed with it. Oh well, I thought, maybe it was time to change anyway. So I relaxed when Luca suddenly asked: “Well Philipp, what would you like on it?” “Eh?” I asked stupidly. “Are you going to make it for me now?” “Well sure, I still have a lot to make up for,” he grinned at me. “Oh, then I'll start with jam, strawberry, if you don't mind.” “Sure! Will do,” came the reply. ‘Lucas, how come you're already so fit again? After such a crash, I'd be out for days.’ ‘Oh, you know, I'm still young,’ he grinned again. “And besides, I slept very well, but then I had a headache, but when I looked for the coffee, I found your aspirin and took two of them. Uh, I hope you don't mind.” I made a hand gesture that was supposed to signal, of course not. ”Yes, thank you. Say, it's funny, do you always keep your painkillers next to coffee and tea? It seems to be part of your breakfast. You must often have long nights, don't you?” He grinned at me again, but I just shrugged my shoulders. ‘Oh, how are you anyway? Do you need anything?’ he asked, sounding worried.
Well, how was I doing? Well, actually pretty good. No headache in sight, next to me sat a fabulously sweet angel, who was grinning at me again and making me a sandwich. “Well, when I'm lying down, I'm actually doing quite well, Mr. Docktor, and surprisingly I don't have a headache either,” I replied.
“Well, that's great, then let's feast properly, my sweetheart!” Lucas suddenly said, which made me open my mouth in shock for a moment. Lucas used this to slide one of the prepared bread rolls into my mouth.
It was just wonderful. We feasted and enjoyed everything my supplies had to offer. The coffee was superb, I could never manage it like that. The eggs were just right, not too soft, not too hard, and my angel didn't stop to butter one roll after the other for me. Oh, if only it could always be like this, I sighed inwardly. We were fooling around like little kids and just enjoying the day. It's a good thing I still have next week off for my errands, I thought to myself. Saturday was always kind of my shopping day, but today with this company, nothing could have gotten me out of bed.
Oh, it's just too good to be true. After a while, we must have feasted and fooled around for an hour and a half, Lucas noticed that I was getting calmer and more thoughtful,
“Hey Flip, what's the matter? You've suddenly become so quiet,” he asked. ‘Nope, nothing's wrong, I was just brooding a little,’ I tried to deflect. ”Nothing really important. But something different, Lucas. Say, could it be that you slept in my bed with me tonight?”
Now Lucas became a bit embarrassed and thoughtful. “Oh Flip,” he began after a short pause, “I was so lonely in your study, I don't know why, but when I had to go to the bathroom, I didn't want to go back there alone and so I made myself comfortable with you. I hope you're not mad about it?” he added anxiously.
“Oh nonsense, no, not really. I was just a bit surprised when I realized tonight that I wasn't alone in bed anymore. But never mind, it was okay.”
“Whew, well I'm glad.” Lucas beamed at me with his steely blue-green eyes.
“Hey Lucas! That reminds me, what about your mom? Don't we have to let her know where you are? She must be worried?”
“Nah, don't worry, she's used to it. Sometimes I don't come home for the whole weekend, but I always turn up safe and sound at the end. She hasn't worried about me for a long time. I'm not a kid anymore!” he tried to reassure me. Oh yes, it would be nice if it were true, I thought. Was that true about his mother? Was she really so cool? Well, I had my doubts. But another question was now burning on the tip of my tongue.
“Okay, I really hope your mom's not worried, that there's no trouble there. But let me ask you another question.” I looked him in the eye. ”Why did you get so wasted last night? Are you lovesick? Is there some girl who's turned your head and broken your heart?”
So, now it was out. I was really interested in the answer to my question. Lucas looked at me in puzzlement, thought for a moment, and then started to laugh.
“Nah, it's definitely not because of a girl, but heartache yes!” he replied.
Of course, I was once again at a loss. ”What, heartache but not because of a girl? How am I supposed to understand that?”
“Well, it's not that complicated,“ Lucas straightened up and pulled himself a little more towards the wall so that he could now sit leaning against the wall, and looked at me inquiringly.
“That's just how it is,” he continued, “I met someone yesterday and I've got a crush on him. You know, just like that, seen, stared at, and then completely smitten. With butterflies in my stomach, tingling, and even a real hundred-thousand-volt surge of electricity just from shaking hands. It's totally cheesy, but also totally exciting. I never would have thought that something like that would happen, not to me, anyway.”
Oh, I sighed inwardly again, somehow his description seemed painfully familiar to me. But how nice for him, I thought, who is the lucky girl? Apparently I was still completely in the dark.
“Well, that sounds great,” I said. ”But that's no reason to get so down. You're more likely to do that out of frustration.”
“Yes, but I had exactly that frustration,” he replied. ”Unfortunately, this person probably doesn't like me at all, or at least that's what I thought until recently. Well, and that's why I'm tilted. The whole time I spent with my mother and Thomas at dinner last night, I couldn't get a bite down. I guess I must have spread a terrible mood. The two of them were really happy when I asked if I could leave and leave them alone. Then I actually wanted to go to my favorite bar, but somehow I didn't feel like it and went straight to the shed where you picked me up. I just pushed my frustration and helped myself to one coke-Bacardi after the other. But what can you do when the one you have such a crush on doesn't want to know you and even runs away from you, so panicked that he even knocks over tables and chairs to get away.”
As he said this, he looked at me anxiously. For my part, however, the knot in my overlong lead slowly loosened. That can't be, I thought, no, he can't mean you? That's not possible! Once again, panic rose in me.
“Lucas?” I asked tentatively. ”Do I understand that right, are you talking about me? Don't you like girls, but rather boys?”
Lucas looked at me fearfully. It seemed to me as if he was even fighting back tears.
“Well, Philipp? What if it were true?” ‘Yes, I'm gay,’ he said quietly after a short pause. ‘And, do you have a problem with that?”
“Me?’ I replied in astonishment. ”No, Lucas, believe me, I really don't, but...”
“Yes, and it's true,” he interrupted me with a tremor in his voice. ”I've fallen in love, and with you. Philipp, I never would have believed that I would be ready for something like this so soon, but it's just like that, Philipp, I love you!”
Big, expectant eyes looked at me through a curtain of tears. I was just blown away. Not too long ago, I had finally decided to openly deal with my homosexuality, especially with myself. I had then made the first casual acquaintance in a trendy bar and now here sat the dream of a boy, my dream, in my bed, just confessing to me that he was in love with me just as much as I was in love with him. It was just too good to be true. Yes, it's too good, said the panicky voice in my brain, you have to put an end to this nightmare, it just isn't possible.
I cleared my throat, struggled for words and then finally began:
“Lucas, I don't know what to say,” I began. ‘I just can't find the words.’ ”First of all, I don't have the slightest problem with you being into guys, because I can't really relate to girls either. Yes, it's true, I'm gay too.”
Lucas looked at me, very surprised, but also pleased.
“And Lucas, it's not that I don't like you. No, honestly not, but quite the opposite, I like you very much. Yes, Lucas, I too have fallen in love with you, at first sight, when we ran into each other so unexpectedly last night.”
Two big, beaming eyes looked at me. “Man, Flip, I just don't believe it, we've both fallen in love with each other and then almost can't get it together to tell each other. Wow, Flip, I'm going crazy.”
I sensed Lucas wanting to embrace me radiating joy and I fended him off. Immediately he looked at me very sceptically and anxiously. “Flip, what is it? Didn't you just say that you love me too?”
“Yes, Lucas, that's right,” I replied, “but it just can't be. It's just not right. It can't be you and me. Lucas, we have to be sensible.”
“But why, why can't we? You like boys too, and I'm one, and I'm sure I'm a reasonably good-looking one. And you? You love me and I love you too. What could be wrong with that?”
He was on the verge of bursting into tears again. Seeing him sitting there like that was killing me. And although I had actually resolved to be firm, especially with myself, I didn't have the heart to do it and took him in my arms. He immediately snuggled up against me.
“Lucas, look at me, I'm 25. Man, I'm an old fart. And then look at you, it's just not on. Two or three years later, okay, but not like this, no, we have to be reasonable. And then there's your mother, what's she going to think?”
Lucas looked at me in amazement, then he thought hard and then suddenly smiled at me.
“Oh shit, I don't believe this. Not you too,” he said, I didn't understand a thing again. ‘Tell me, Flip,’ he continued, ”how old do you think I am, to be honest?”
“Well,” I answered, ”I don't know exactly, but I guess you're about sixteen or sixteen and a half, maybe. And that's the thing: you're still much too young. Not just because of the law, but also in general. It's just not going to work.”
Lucas didn't say anything, but just got up and left the room. I was now completely perplexed and was just wondering if I should go after him when he suddenly came back with his jacket in his hand. Without saying a word, he sat back down on the bed and began rummaging through his jacket. Finally, he pulled out his wallet, opened it and fumbled out a plastic card.
“Here Flip, if I just told you, you wouldn't believe it anyway, but here's my driver's license, my birthday is also written there. I'm really already 19 or well not quite, but only in a few days, only then I will have my 19th birthday.”
He then handed me his driver's license. With wide, disbelieving eyes, I stared at the piece of plastic. Indeed, I saw the year of birth, it was correct, in a few days my angel would turn 19. I looked over at Lucas, but how could that be? How could he look so young? Again, I looked in disbelief at the plastic card and then I stopped short. Only now did I realize when his birthday actually was. It actually said 25.12. So my Lucas was actually a Christmas angel. I had to smile.
“But I don't get it,” I finally said. ‘I could have sworn you were still a child, well, or just a teenager. I would never have guessed you were 18, let alone 19. How come?”
“Oh, you know, Flip,’ Lucas sighed, ”it happens to me all the time. I don't know exactly why that is. But for as long as I can remember, I've always looked younger than my actual age. My pediatrician back then said it was a matter of genetics. I would just develop more slowly on the outside and eventually I would just 'grow out of it,' he said. We shouldn't worry about it, it's not a real illness and therefore it's not a big deal. Well, he was talking. He doesn't have to constantly discuss when he wants to buy something special, just wants a beer in the pub or has forgotten his driver's license and is arrested by the police as a crash kid. It wasn't that long ago that at seventeen I looked like I was twelve, so you can imagine how great that was. And when I finally got into the sheds that suited my disposition so well when I was eighteen, with ID of course, you can probably imagine what kind of guys wanted to hit on me there. Ugh, just disgusting. But you've seen for yourself what an effect I have on you, except that you had to act so damn chivalrous.” He paused briefly and then looked at me quite challengingly, “So, what about it, can you at least give us a chance, you dirty old man?”
I had to swallow, there sat the dream of my countless sleepless nights in front of me, had confessed his love for me and simply demolished the last major hurdle I had built for myself. An overwhelming feeling of happiness came over me, and how was I, of course, when I was really happy? Right, I felt like crying again. I only just realized how close I almost came to missing out on my, no, our happiness.
“Oh Lucas,” I sighed, ”what an idiot I am. If you hadn't had the courage to talk to me. Man, I'm an idiot, I can't see happiness even when it jumps in my face and bites me on the nose.” Now there was no holding back and my floodgates were wide open. Now it was up to Lucas to take me in his arms and comfort me. But I realized that he was also fighting back tears.
“Oh Flip, what a pair of fools we've been. But now, now everything will be alright, I won't let go of you anymore.” He held me even tighter in his arms and looked deep into my eyes. Very slowly, his lips approached mine. Suddenly, I felt their velvety softness on my mouth. Overjoyed, I took another deep breath through my nose and then returned his kiss. We now pressed our lips together wildly. I felt his embrace and noticed how his hand gently glided through my hair. I myself now gently placed my hand on his back and stroked it slowly and tenderly down. Still pressing our lips together, I felt his tongue suddenly wanting to enter, and after a brief hesitation, I gave in to his desire. I too now demanded entry, and it was granted to me. Immediately, we immersed ourselves in the most intimate and at the same time most tender kiss of my life. My heart was pounding like crazy and seemed to want to burst with happiness. Lucas seemed to feel the same way. After what felt like an eternity, we interrupted our embrace only briefly to put the trays with the remains of our breakfast down on the floor and roll around on the bed again, tightly entwined and immersed in a deep kiss. Our hands explored each other's bodies without paying attention to the disturbing presence of T-shirts or retro. We were in no hurry, that was an unspoken agreement. We wanted to enjoy, we wanted to discover, very gently, without haste. I no longer know how long we spent in each other's arms, crazy with love and affection for each other on the bed. When I slowly came out of this incredible trance, hours must have passed.
“Flip,” Lucas asked after we managed to separate our greedy mouths for a brief moment, ‘can I stay with you tonight too?”
“Is that a question? I certainly hope you'll stay with me. After what happened between us, can you imagine being anywhere other than with me?’ I said indignantly.
He looked at me and then just breathed: “Oh honey, I love you!”
To hear this from his mouth was really the most beautiful thing I had ever heard, and I just replied, ‘Yes, my angel, I love you too!”
“Angel?’ He looked at me questioningly. I returned his gaze lovingly and then began to explain briefly how it came that he was my angel for me. I explained to him how I thought he was an angel from the first moment, how I was fascinated by his appearance and his manner, in short, how I could only think of him as my personal Christmas angel. Lucas smiled and then said: “Well, angel actually sounds quite good, although I think that I won't be a good role model for all the nice sweet Christmas angels, but if you think so, then I'll be your angel. And you, my darling, are of course my little devil,” he laughed and gave me a big kiss. Again, he wanted to involve us in a close embrace, but I paused briefly and then said:
“Lucas, even if you're a big boy now,” I couldn't help grinning, ”I think that if you stay out for the second night in a row, you should call your mother and at least give her a brief update. Do it for my sake, otherwise I'd really have a guilty conscience.”
“Well, okay, for your sake then,” he replied and reluctantly disconnected from me. ”But then I have to use your phone, because the battery of my cell phone is just as empty as the German pension fund, may I?”
“Of course,” I replied. ‘The landline phone is in the study, it's a cordless one, if you want, you can also take it into the living room, no one will hear you there.”
“Oh come on, my darling, I don't have any secrets from you anymore,’ he said, and then he disappeared into my study just opposite. Through the open door, I could see him reaching for the phone.
He dialed the number and it seemed to take a while before his mother finally answered.
“Hi Mom! It's me, Lucas. ... What do you mean, you don't know Lucas? Well, Lucas, that damn handsome and incredibly sweet boy who has been sharing his apartment with you for almost 19 years. Well, are you starting to remember? Well, it's no wonder that it takes a while, considering your age!”
He had turned around to the door while he was speaking, so I could now admire his fabulously broad grin in all its glory. Apparently, both of them took childish delight in teasing each other, because from his reactions, I could tell that his mother also took him for a ride. This banter went back and forth for a while when Lucas suddenly became more serious.
“Why I'm calling, well Mum, there's a lot to explain... No, no, nothing bad, quite the opposite. Well, to cut a long story short, I'm here with someone who seems to have taken it upon himself to educate me in my old age... What, yes, yes, educate, I just said, you know, that's what you haven't managed to do for almost 19 years. Well, and this someone said that I should get in touch with you so that you don't have to worry when... what do you mean by 'mark it on the calendar'? I always get in touch, well often, okay occasionally, mmh, occasionally anyway, well, it doesn't matter now.
Who is that? Well, unfortunately you don't know him yet, but we have to make up for that as soon as possible, I mean getting to know him. So this sweet, charming boy is the dearest and best thing that has ever happened to me, yes, excluding you, of course.”
I pricked up my ears, as openly as my angel spoke of 'this sweet boy', he seemed to have no problems with his inclinations towards his mother. Yes, and the way he said it, that loving and gentle expression in his voice, that unbelievably dreamy look when he looked over at me. I was on the verge of just flowing away with happiness.
It therefore took a little while before I suddenly noticed the change. While he had just been talking about us in a rapturous tone, I suddenly noticed how he tensed up inside, his voice suddenly taking on a slightly desperate, even shaky expression.
“What, a letter? This morning from the MHH? No, no, you don't need to open that.” He almost shouted into the device. ‘.... No, no, it's nothing important, I just took a little test. They did it at our school, nothing wild, you know...’ You could almost feel him trying to calm himself down again. ”... the school management was informed. What was it about? Well, some kind of skin cream, a new skin cream for teens, you know. And I thought they were sending their results and probably wanted to thank me for taking part or something. No, never mind, I wanted to come straight home anyway. Yeah, I still have to prepare a stupid presentation for tomorrow. Yeah, it's totally stupid, so close to the Christmas vacation. But you know the teachers. The A-level exams are coming up soon and they have to torture us properly beforehand. See you in a bit! Take care.”
If there was an award for the stupidest facial expression of the month or something, then I must have deserved it that very moment. I sat on my bed, my mouth open, gawking around like an idiot, completely at a loss. Just a few minutes ago, my sweet angel had wanted to stay with me the whole weekend and do nothing but hold me in his gentle arms. I even had to urge him to break away briefly to at least let his family know he was okay, and now this!
What was so important about this presentation, was it so much more important than our newly discovered love?
While I was still sitting on my bed, completely confused, I heard Lucas bustling around in the kitchen. Judging by the sounds, he was probably emptying the dryer and looking for his clothes.
And sure enough, just two or three minutes later, he appeared in the door to my room, wearing socks and holding his shoes, but otherwise already fully dressed. I looked at him questioningly. Was I mistaken, or was he avoiding my gaze?
Hopping on one leg at a time, he slipped into his sneakers, trying hard not to look at me.
“Oh Flip, I'm really sorry, the stupid presentation. I totally forgot about it.”
“But just now... you still wanted to... I don't get it...” was all I could manage to say.
“Oh Flip, please don't make it harder for me than it already is, you heard it yourself just now. I just remembered the crap during the phone call. I think it's really shitty too, but it's really important, so close to graduation. Please understand!” He still avoided looking me in the eye.
I was about to jump up, hug him, just cling to him, beg him not to leave, but with a single swift movement he grabbed his jacket, which was still on the bed after the incident with his driver's license, threw it on and hurried out into the hallway without looking back even once. I was paralyzed, unable to think straight.
I only heard him open the front door and call out to me. “Flip, please believe me, I'm really sorry about all of this. And Flip, I'll call you later.” Then he slammed the door. I heard him scurrying down the stairs. Then it was quiet.
“Yes, but how do you want to get in touch...?” I mumbled, still completely paralyzed. ‘You don't even have my number...’ It suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't even listed in the phone book yet, neither my cell nor my landline.
I don't remember how long I sat paralyzed on my bed. I only suddenly realized that tears had been running down my face for quite some time. I sat there in shock and only when dusk fell and my room began to turn into a shapeless nothing did I get up, drag myself into the hallway and turn on the light. I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand. Still sobbing silently, I went into the kitchen. A small chaos awaited me here. The rest of the contents of the dryer, hastily emptied by Lucas and rummaged through in search of his things, lay scattered all over the kitchen floor. The Retro and the T-shirt that I had lent him for the night were on top. I took the laundry basket that was standing ready and began mechanically collecting the colorfully distributed laundry. I brought the shirt and Retro to my bedroom. Once there, I threw them on a chair. Then, just as mechanically, I started by cleaning up the remnants of our breakfast, and then proceeded to change the bed sheets. Secretly grateful that this task would keep me from having to think further. But once I had put the dishes in the dishwasher and the bed linen in the machine, it suddenly came back, the frightening emptiness that had set in from the moment I heard Lucas slam the door shut.
Again I fought back tears. I crept to my room, as before, unconsciously careful not to make a sound, avoiding any noise that might cause me to miss the phone. Because that was exactly what was on my mind the whole time. The irrepressible desire to hear the phone ring, pick up the receiver and hear Lucas's voice. How he would explain that he is sorry for scaring me so much, that he says he couldn't be without me for a second more, and I would tell him, relieved, that it is the same for me, and he would promise me to come to me immediately. This thought, as childish as it was terribly bombastic, was the only thing that haunted my mind. Aimlessly, like a tiger in a cage, I paced back and forth in my room. Finally, I reached for the shirt that my angel had been wearing just a short time ago. I lay down on my bed, turned off the light, curled up, and snuggled up against the shirt. I tried to catch the unique scent of my angel that clung to it, and then finally I broke. First it was just a slight sob, then a whimper, and finally I began to weep uncontrollably.
I awoke from a dreamless sleep as the first rays of the new day began to steal through the gap in my blinds. I still held the shirt that my angel had worn, clutched to me. I must have cried myself to sleep, because the shirt felt clammy and damp. But now I had no more tears. The new day felt unreal and exhausting. I peered through a crack in the blinds. Sunday seemed to live up to its name, because outside, the cold and clear winter sun was competing with a frosty blue sky.
Shivering, I got up. The heating had been turned down overnight. I had been lying curled up on my bed wearing only shorts and a T-shirt.
I quickly turned the heating on, then shuffled into the kitchen, turned on the heating there too and made myself a cup of tea. I waited with the steaming mug in my hands until the tea had brewed. Lost in thought, I looked out of my kitchen window. I watched as a crow picked up a carelessly thrown roll on the asphalt covered with dingy brown snow, and then fled with its prey to one of the bare branches of the only tree in the adjacent side street. 'Lucas!' The thought struck me like lightning. My chest contracted painfully. An almost inhuman feeling of abandonment overcame me. If I were to describe the coldness and emptiness that the sudden and inexplicable disappearance of my angel had left in me, then it would match this bleak image that the view from the window offered me.
I carefully sipped at the mug in my hands, greedily absorbing the warmth that the hot tea offered me. I felt how slowly my body was filling with warmth, but a tiny place inside me seemed to resist it. A place deep inside me kept the cold of the morning and made me shiver. A small voice dwelled there, Lucas, always Lucas, it was, what this voice repeated insistently and mercilessly and gave me a feeling of coldness and emptiness.
I decided to take a shower. I entered the bathroom, where the night-time shutdown of the heating had also caused an uncomfortable temperature. I turned up the thermostat and then disappeared back into the kitchen to make a second cup of tea. I held the mug and actually managed not to think for a short time. I enjoyed the tea and the emptiness in my head.
Then it was time to take a shower. I hoped that with enough warm water, I could simply rinse off the whole of yesterday evening, but at the same time I knew that I wouldn't succeed.
Once I was back in the bathroom, I undressed completely and then looked at myself in the mirror above the sink. Was I so repulsive that my angel had to flee in panic? But no, he had confessed his love for me. Besides, I didn't look that bad, did I? My head was spinning and before I fell in love with my own Adonis body out of pure self-pity (pah, I'm going to be sick!), I crept into the shower. I turned on the tap and let the warm water trickle over me, still unable to think of a clear, coherent thought.
No matter how much I soaped and scrubbed, the love for my angel, the longing for him, the irrepressible desire to hold him in my arms could not be washed away so easily.
Man, flip! Now be realistic! I tried to bring myself to reason. How often have you read about these classic one-night stands in your meticulous internet research?
Of course, I was aware that this was even more common among gays than among heterosexuals. The quick sex, the quickie and then goodbye. What do you expect from a group whose label alone is reduced to sexuality? 'Gay', that says it all. Yuck! I didn't want to be gay anymore! It was actually predictable. First of all, get to know each other, preferably with a little alcohol to help break the ice. Then a little hanky-panky, followed by feigned great love and vows of eternal fidelity, and then bang! Wild shagging and finally goodbye and good riddance.
Oh yes, and then the classic! 'I'll call you.' Pah, I could wait until I'm black, nothing will come of it. Certainly not. Man, I could puke, I fell for such a slut on the first night of my newly discovered freedom! No, I really didn't want to be gay anymore. They can all go to hell, those fucking fags. And those lying heterosexual women too. I didn't want to have anything more to do with all this sex and love shit. Never again!
It was now as clear as day to me: I would become a monk. From now on, I would practice Buddhist asceticism. If I were ever to be hurt again in matters of love, it would only be a headache, and that only because my halo was too tight!
So, I would now throw everything that has to do with this whole unfortunate sexuality overboard. And my hypocritical Christmas devil dressed as an angel first of all! Let's see if anyone would dare to drag the newly reformed Saint Jan-Phillip Böhm back into the putrid maw of the flesh!
Man, that felt good! Now I was master of my senses again. Now I could stand above it all. It won't be long before I judge this whole unfortunate episode with a disparaging smile.
What really sucked, though, was that I still felt like crying! Because something was still not right. Something did not fit into my new, hastily cobbled together world view!
Yes, what? Right! For the classic one-night stand, something was missing from the whole story, something very crucial. If it was really just the lower sex drive that played the only decisive role in such a thing, well then, what I had experienced lacked a very crucial little thing.
Wow, right! The candidate gets 1000 rubber points! Well, what was missing here was the sex! We hadn't even gotten past the stage of cuddling and smooching.
Well, Flip, you're really pathetic! Not only did this angel take advantage of you and lie to you, but he also deprived you of the only one-night stand in your gay career.
Man, Jan-Phillip Böhm, how stupid can you be?
But, to be honest, somehow it didn't seem that logical to me either.
The temperature of the shower water rushing over me in hectoliters was now approaching the freezing point, and I must have used up the hot water supply for the entire block in the meantime. My skin was so wrinkled that all the wrinkle cream in the world would no longer be enough to restore some degree of smoothness here. Shivering, I turned off the tap, grabbed my huge, pre-warmed bath towel, still shivering, I wrapped myself in it and slowly rubbed myself dry.
My thoughts kept returning to the discrepancy I had recently discovered. Somehow there had to be more to Lucas' behavior than a mere amorous trifle. After all, his confession of love for me sounded truly sincere. After all, he had also really broken down last night just because he thought he had fallen unhappily in love with me. Could you really only fake something like that? I was suddenly really unsure. And then the phone call with his mother. After all, it was I who had forced him to do so, and it was only this phone call that had prompted him to flee in panic.
Still wrapped in my towel, I left the bathroom and dragged myself to the kitchen to make another pot of tea.
Man, it was only yesterday evening that you were highly motivated to take your first steps in the gay scene of this city, I thought to myself, and bang, you're already in the middle of a relationship, without it really having come to that yet.
Was it always so complicated between gays? I realized that I didn't have the slightest idea, and it gradually dawned on me that being gay is actually an apprenticeship.
Somehow all this was just a bit too much for my simple mind. Everything in me was screaming to share my confusion, but with whom? Could I really dare to let one of my old buddies and companions in on my dark secret? Stefan maybe? Or maybe not one of my old buddies? Maybe I should call Thomas. But a colleague at work? No, I'd better not do that. Man, when you really need someone to get you out of the shit! All of this can really make you crazy.
While I was pondering these highly complicated thoughts about being gay in general and the effects of it on the delicate and sensitive personality that had been answering to the name Jan-Phillip Böhm for 25 years, my gaze wandered through the kitchen. From the stainless steel refrigerator, which stood alone in the L-shaped kitchenette, to the multi-functional cooking station with its extractor hood. Then further over the worktop crammed with countless electrical gadgets. My gaze suddenly came to rest on the carelessly discarded pile of personal items that I had put there the night before when I emptied my trousers that were intended for a quick wash. Keychain and cell phone, which announced the impending battery power shortage with a constant beeping. In addition, my wallet and lighter. I hadn't really needed the latter for years, since I am a reformed ex-smoker. Well, and then a small card that I had long since thought forgotten. But now it hit me like dandruff in the hair. 'Kai!' Of course, why didn't I think of that right away? If anyone, he was the absolutely competent person for me to talk to! If anyone could even begin to understand my completely messed-up emotional world, it was him.
But I hardly knew him. We had only just met. I was a guest and he was my waiter. After all, he had to be nice and friendly to me. On the other hand, he had given me his phone number and asked me to get in touch with him. For a chat and stuff. That clearly went beyond the level of friendliness that one could expect as a guest from a barman. And then he even waved goodbye to me. And he had also said that he would be happy if I got in touch.
But, I thought to myself, Flip, be honest, I don't think he meant to be abused as a suggestion box, a letterbox uncle, and a shrink. Because that was exactly what I actually wanted from him. I really needed a strong shoulder to cry on, a person who might also hug me and who would completely agree with me that all men are sluts and only after quick sex anyway. Even if the latter didn't seem to apply to my Christmas angel, somehow it didn't hurt so much when I told myself that.
Well, but wasn't I actually just as selfish a bitch if I were to call Kai now, maybe even invite him to a meeting just to have a good cry on his shoulder about my unhappy love? After all, it hadn't escaped me that I seemed to have made a certain impression on him. Maybe there was a little more to it for him than just the desire to go club-hopping with me? And me?
Well, to be honest, I felt a little flattered yesterday when he pressed his business card into my hand. After all, it was all pretty new to me. But would he ever measure up to my Christmas angel?
Man, this is enough to drive you crazy, I thought to myself. You really need someone to talk to, but you can't call your old buddies because you're still too much of a coward to tell them the truth about yourself. What about your colleague and now good buddy Thomas? Bingo! Of course, exactly the same. Rabbit-foot Flip doesn't dare. And you can't just blurt it out to the only two gay guys you know, because one of them is the reason for your emotional meltdown, and what about the other one? Just when I should be crying on his shoulder, I had to expect complications like this, only then maybe with him himself and because of me. So I ended up in a classic stalemate.
I walked up and down the kitchen, hesitating, holding Kai's card in my hands. So first get dressed, the practical man in me suggested, then take a deep breath and then, bang, I picked up the phone, I decided.
No sooner said than done. After about fifteen minutes and at least as many panic attacks, I was now standing in my study, dressed, holding the receiver of my cordless phone in one hand and Kai's business card in the other. In the meantime, I had docked the beeping cell phone to the power supply. Well, there I was, still undecided.
Oh well, I finally overcame myself, I'll just meet him casually. Then I'll see what it's like between us. Maybe I'm just imagining it with him and we can just chat. Maybe he'll have some good advice for me, especially regarding how to deal with my thoughts, which had triggered the panic-stricken flight of my inner angel. Man, Flip, now's the time to finally be brave, I encouraged myself.
The dial tone had been ringing for a minute already when (at the third attempt), after hastily dialing the number and replacing the handset even more hastily with a pounding heart, I listened intently to the receiver this time.
A short crackling sound and then a “Yes, hello? This is Fischer.” - “Uh, yes hello here too, uh, so this is Flip, uh, you may remember Jan-Phillip, the guy from the night before last at your bar,” I replied extremely intelligently.
“Who? Jan-what? Oh, now it comes to me, Flip is that you?” I suddenly heard excitedly. ”Man, that's great that you got back to me so quickly! Hey, do you want to do something today? Uh, but I have to work first. Man, that's a bummer. But I'll manage. I just have to fill in for Klaus. He wanted to do something with his lover. Just an hour or two. Then I'd have time off. So what do you think? Do you want to meet up later...?”
“Boy, oh boy,” I thought to myself as one torrent of words after another poured out of the receiver. This guy is really excited. And once again I had a guilty conscience. Apparently I was not wrong with my guess that Kai had a little crush on me, otherwise why would he be so excited when I suddenly called him. Well, I wanted to use him as my trash can and whine to him about the agony caused by the sudden disappearance of my Christmas angel. Should I not just hang up? Was I not just as bad as my angel at that moment?
“Hey Flip, let me think for a moment, ... um... yes, it should work like this,” I heard joyfully from the other end of the line. ”Flip, listen, it's best if you come straight to my place for the cocido. Around six? Is that okay with you?”
“Uh, well...” I replied. I was still unsure about what I actually wanted to achieve with this call. Inside, I cursed my cowardice and it was also clear to me that I was about to hurt someone quite a bit if I wasn't honest now.
“Flip, if this is too early, we can meet later or somewhere else if you want, you don't have to pick me up at Cocido if you don't like it...“ Kai tried to dispel my apparent concerns.
“No, no, let's go, six o'clock is okay and the Cocido is fine too,” I quickly replied, ignoring my guilty conscience.
“Great, then see you at six at Cocido's...“ one of the currently popular ringtones suddenly sounded in the background. Since I was calling Kai's landline, it must have been his cell phone.
“Sorry, Flip, my cell phone,” Kai immediately confirmed my suspicion. “Well, then I'll answer it, we were clear about that, right?” I nodded in agreement, man, how stupid was that again! Apparently, however, Kai took the silence on the other end of the line as consent.
“So I'll see you later, and you flip, I'm looking forward to it!“ Kai fluted goodbye through the handset.
“Yes, yes, I'll see you at six, and I'm looking forward to it too,” I replied and then, with a pretty lousy feeling, put the handset back in the charging station.
Man, what a jerk you are, I thought, he's really excited now because you want to meet up with him, and you're just looking for a shoulder to cry on. Man, being gay is really the plague! I had no experience of how heterosexuals dealt with their heartaches, but I was sure it wasn't nearly as complicated for them.
Again I started pacing my room like a caged tiger, racking my poor brain. Before my phone call, I had only had one problem, namely the sudden disappearance of my Christmas angel, but now I had two. I didn't have the slightest idea how to deal with Kai, and I was an idiot for doing something as stupid as asking him out. “Man Jan-Phillip Böhm, that was really genius, you really are the biggest idiot under the sun!” I scolded myself.
But what the heck. I still had the opportunity to make everything right, even if I would surely hurt Kai's feelings. But better now than later. And maybe he would understand my situation a little and we could comfort each other. Yes, I knew it was a pretty stupid idea, but somehow I just had to get out of my room and talk to someone, and meeting up with Kai seemed to me to be the only option at the moment.
So I dragged myself into the bathroom and was quite shocked at first, because what stared back at me in the mirror with a sunken, crumpled face and red, tear-stained eyes was really quite frightening. Mike Myers' Halloween was a pure children's birthday party in comparison!
Okay, so a complete makeover was called for first. I had already showered. So, using my electric razor, I first got rid of the beard shadow, then a little moisturizer was used to perk up the facial skin. A cloth with cold water made sure that the red-rimmed eyes disappeared. After shave and matching eau de toilette finally rounded off the overall impression. Then it was off to the bedroom, where I stood in front of the wardrobe putting together my outfit. After I had changed, I went back to the bathroom looking much fresher, to tousle my blonde hair with gel. Well, as I stood in front of the mirror, looking at the overall work of art, I not only liked what I saw, but I also suddenly realized that I had dressed up quite a bit. Just to meet someone to have a good cry on the shoulder of, quite an effort, I thought. 'Man Flip, what do you really want?' the region in my skull in which I suspected my conscience to be, immediately piped up. The regions in which my mind and my feelings seemed to be housed answered in unison: 'I haven't the slightest idea!' This didn't really help me, but at least it was honest. Unsure, I left the bathroom and, when I arrived at the wardrobe, I first slipped into my boots and then threw my jacket over myself. In view of my artfully disheveled hair, I decided against a cap and just armed myself with a scarf and gloves against the expected cold.
I looked at my watch, it was a quarter to five. So I would be there just under an hour early. But I just couldn't stay at home anymore. I might as well wait in the Cocido until Kai had finished work. I just hoped it wouldn't be uncomfortable for him. But something was driving me out of the house. So I left my apartment and made my way into town.
On the train and also during my walk towards our meeting point, I was plagued by a strange feeling. On the one hand, my heart tightened whenever I thought of Lucas and how he had first confessed his love to me and then suddenly disappeared. And then there was a kind of anticipation, even a formal curiosity about Kai. I couldn't explain it. I just knew that somehow I didn't know anything for sure. With my heart pounding, I suddenly stood in front of the Cocido. A warm and trustworthy yellow-orange light fell through the frosted glass of the door onto the still snow-covered path. I took a deep breath and then, this time without a fight, I opened the door and entered. Coming from dark into light, it took a while before I could see the inside of the bar. My eyes immediately went to the bar. I couldn't find Kai there. Instead, there was a man in his mid-forties, slim, with dark brown hair, drying a glass with a dish towel. He looked at me slightly bored. I remembered to have seen him behind the bar on my first visit, too. And suddenly I also remembered how one of the guests had addressed him as Klaus back then. Aha, so he was the said Klaus and he and his lover must have finished what they had planned earlier. But where was Kai?
My gaze wandered through the restaurant. There were only a few guests at that time. Two young men were sitting in front of the bar, three others at a table not far from the entrance. In the back of the room in an alcove, another table seemed to be occupied. A jacket over a chair looking out of the niche suggested this. But no trace of Kai. So I went to the bar, still very tense inside. I could feel my excitement increasing by the second. Taking another deep breath to calm my pounding heart, I turned to this Klaus and whispered, “Um, hello, I'm Flip and I'm supposed to be meeting Kai here. Has he already left? Did he say anything before that?”
“Uh, what is it?” Klaus barked. ”Sorry, but I didn't understand a word! Uh, but wait, Kai, were you just asking about Kai?”
I nodded and looked at him in shock.
“No, he's still here. He's in the corner with a real hunk. He comes here regularly and he and Kai know each other quite well.” Suddenly, my conversation partner began to grin broadly. “But I think it's better not to disturb them right now.”
Startled, I turned around and looked in the corner where my companion had just pointed. It was the corner that I couldn't see from the entrance, but it was very easy to see from the bar. And what I saw there made my blood freeze in my veins. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, what I saw there could only be the result of my brain being completely overloaded by the emotional roller coaster of the last 48 hours. There in the corner sat Kai, apparently startled when he heard Klaus call his name. And next to him, snuggled up against Kai's shoulder, sat Lucas! His arm was around Kai. He looked pretty tattered, but at that moment his eyes, like Kai's, were wide open in shock. I noticed that Lucas's eyes were framed by deep circles.
Both looked at me as if they saw a ghost. Neither said a word. At that moment, it felt as if someone was pulling the ground out from under my feet. I just couldn't believe it. There sat Lucas, the Lucas who had meant everything to me until recently, without whom I thought I couldn't live anymore, and in his arms was Kai, the Kai with whom I had a really friendly relationship and because of whom I had a guilty conscience until just now, because I feared he might expect something from me that I couldn't give him. And now? Now I saw the two of them cuddled up close together and, I was sure, startled by an activity that couldn't be more explicit.
I stared at them both. I started to tremble, I felt sick and I felt how, very gradually, a sense of disappointment and at the same time anger began to build up in me, bringing tears to my eyes.
Kai seemed to be the first to find his voice again. “Oh no! Shit, Flip, it's not what it looks like. No, believe me, please! On the contrary, Flip, we were just talking about you...”
While Kai was literally begging me, Lucas still looked at me, stunned. I, on the other hand, was boiling with rage, or was it hurt vanity?
Suddenly, everything inside of me erupted and I shouted at the two of them:
“Well, I'm sure that you two bitches were talking about me. You probably laughed at me about this stupid, inexperienced fresh meat that you so easily fell for. What were you up to? A bet or something like that, who would be the first to get me laid? Is that why Lucas left, because you wanted to cook me on a low flame first? Get me horny first and then see who I fall for first? Or did you both want to jump me at the same time? It must be hot to trot with a naive tucke like me, right?”
I noticed that all eyes in the restaurant were now on me. But I didn't really care about that. I continued to yell at them both:
“Oh, but you know what, you can both get stuffed. Screw around as much as you want, you two horny faggots, but leave me alone, do you understand?”
Lucas was still frozen in shock, but Kai looked at me completely uncomprehendingly. This infuriated me.
Kai, you don't seem to understand anything, but I'll tell you, one day you'll realize how shitty it is to toy with other people's feelings, and Lucas... “ I looked my former Christmas angel deep in the eyes, trying hard to make my voice, trembling with anger, sound as contemptuous as possible: ”Lucas, no one has ever hurt me as much as you have. I don't wish anyone harm, and I still wish you many perverse and horny adventures. I hope you'll screw so much and get screwed so much that you'll eventually die a miserable death from AIDS!”
I still looked into his wide-open eyes, but at that moment I realized that I had touched a sore spot. At that moment, I saw something very important break. Lucas suddenly turned away from me and I saw his body shake violently. Was it a soft whimper that I heard? He had clung to Kai again and I myself was now completely confused. Kai, on the other hand, looked at me as if he couldn't believe what he had just heard, and with an incredibly sad expression in his light blue eyes, he just said, “Flip, I think it's really better if you go now.”
“I... I think... I think you're right...” I stammered, turned around and walked out, completely paralyzed.
I don't remember how I got home. I can't remember the way to the tram stop or the journey itself. I also can't remember how I got to my apartment or when I decided to go to bed. For the first time since that fateful encounter with that damned angel who just didn't seem to let go of me, I was able to think of absolutely nothing for a long time. After a dreamless sleep, I finally woke up. It's Monday, I realized, and after I first panicked at the alarm clock, it was half past seven in the morning, I wanted to jump out of bed even more panic-stricken, I remembered that I now had two weeks of vacation. Vacation, which I had been looking forward to very much and which now seemed like a frighteningly long time to me after this weekend, time in which I was forced to deal with myself.
I stretched, undecided whether to turn around and go back to sleep or to get up. Then I noticed that I was holding the shirt that Lucas had worn three nights earlier. Why, I thought, why can't he just leave me alone? Why do I keep having visions of his angelic face, his devilish grin and his divine body? It was all there again, that indescribable feeling, that incredible desire, the incredibly deep disappointment and the irrepressible rage I felt when I thought of him and this Kai.
The ringing of the phone released me from having to think about it any further. I peeled myself out of bed, got up and then shuffled into my study. I stared at the receiver, which was plugged into its charging station, inwardly hoping that the stupid thing would stop trying to get my attention with its annoying ringing any second. However, the caller on the other end of the line turned out to be extremely persistent, and so after several seconds of me standing there, frozen, I finally picked up.
“Böhm,“ I grumbled into the receiver.
“Flip, please listen and please, Flip, don't hang up!”
I was startled when I recognized Kai's voice. I couldn't believe how brazen he was being.
“Flip, please, I really need to talk to you, please!” he pleaded with me. “Please, Flip, it's about Lucas!”
I finally found my voice again. “But I don't want to talk to you. And as for Lucas, tell him from me that he can go screw himself, and you too, for that matter. Be happy together. And Kai, don't ever call me again, do you understand? Never again!”
While I had said the first sentences in a deliberately calm but equally contemptuous voice, I had literally shouted the last two sentences into the phone, and then, without waiting for a reply, I slammed the receiver into the charging station. I trembled. I remained indecisively in front of the machine, unable to make any decision. Suddenly, another ring of the telephone pulled me out of my lethargy. In disbelief, I stared at the noisy device.
Reluctantly, I finally picked up the receiver. “Yes, who is this?” I answered.
“Flip, please, it's Kai again. Flip, believe me, this is really hard for me...”
“Yeah, me too!” I shouted into the phone. An irrepressible rage was creeping up inside me. “Apparently I'm speaking Swahili, otherwise I could make it clear to you that you should kindly leave me alone. Man, I thought I was clear enough earlier. So again, man, piss off, never call here again and you and Lucas can both croak for all I care. Was that clear enough now?” I heard Kai take a deep breath, but didn't wait for an answer and ended the call. Furiously, I searched for the phone cable at the charging station and then yanked it out of its socket. Still seething, I ran to my bedroom and threw myself on my bed.
Was it five minutes or ten? Maybe half an hour had already passed. I didn't know, but suddenly my cell phone rang. Shit, I had completely forgotten that. I could already guess who it was. Man, is he sick or what? What does he actually want? Exasperated, I covered my ears with a pillow. After the ringtone of my cell phone had been repeated several times, my voicemail finally turned on. A short beep, about three minutes later, informed me that I had a message. Then, after another five minutes, another beep, which probably indicated that I had received an SMS. Again, I pressed my pillow over my ears. Then, after another five minutes, another beep.
“Man, does this guy even realize?” I was completely irritated and couldn't even think about falling asleep in my current state of mind. I thought about it for a moment, then I remembered that my cell phone was also on a charger and, like the power supply, was in my study. So I went back to the study and fumbled with my cell phone. First I saw the message “missed call” and as suspected, it was Kai's number. I dismissed the message. Then a message appeared that a message was waiting in my mailbox. I knew exactly who it was from, and this message also disappeared into electronic nirvana. Then the thing informed me that I had received two new SMS messages. Just as I was about to delete the second unread, I received a third. Because I was fiddling with my phone at the time, this message immediately appeared on the display.
“PLEASE, FLIP, FORGET YOUR HURT PRIDE FOR A WHILE AND CALL ME! IT'S ABOUT LUCAS, HE'S REALLY IN A BAD WAY AND REALLY NEEDS YOU NOW!!! LG KAI”
Man, I was really speechless, what a load of crap. You stupid faggots, does anyone ever think about me? You couldn't keep your hands off each other, and if Lucas needed me so much, why did he just run away like that and leave me like the last idiot? Are they actually still getting along somehow? I was really beside myself with rage. If Lucas was really in a bad way, which, to be honest, I didn't understand at all, then it was only fair. He should experience for himself how I felt when he stormed out of my apartment so suddenly. I didn't care how he felt now. And, being the golden boy that he was, he would surely get over it soon; after all, he still had his Kai.
Well, and what did I have? Man, you all don't give a damn about me, I thought bitterly and without reading the other two messages, I turned off my cell phone and threw it on my desk.
I felt really miserable. I was tired, but I didn't want to sleep. I was hungry but couldn't bring myself to have breakfast. I stood there in my nightclothes, but couldn't bring myself to take a shower and get dressed. I stood in the study, undecided. Suddenly my eyes fell on my PC. Okay, it wasn't the newest, nor necessarily the fastest, but it had been with me throughout my studies and, as already mentioned, together with the World Wide Web, it was an important partner on my journey to inner self-discovery. I had wanted to replace it for a long time and had decided to give myself a laptop for Christmas this year. I had already chosen a particular model, but hadn't got around to buying it yet. Should I do it today? No, I just couldn't bring myself to do it, at least not right now. There was still a little time before Christmas Eve. I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to see or talk to anyone. Just to be on the safe side, I crept to the front door and turned the key twice to lock it. Then I went through the apartment and closed all the blinds. Then I went back to the study and started the PC. I wanted to surf the net a little. It was only three days since I thought I had mastered my inner coming out and was at least a little bit ready to tackle my outer coming out, but now I was back to square one, so to speak, with my gay self-confidence in tatters. Suddenly it was back to square one, I didn't want to be gay anymore, in fact I didn't want to be anything. So nothing with love and stuff. I just wanted to ignore it completely again, like in the years before. No matter what little Jan-Phillip thought of it. He has coped quite well with the last few years of regular petting as his only sexual experience. Why shouldn't that be enough in the future?
While the PC booted up, I actually mustered enough energy to make myself a cup of tea and toast a couple of slices of bread. A glance at the fridge told me that my time as a hermit would be quite limited, provided I didn't start living on nothing but love and desire in the meantime. Ridiculous, I just wanted to get rid of the latter forever. But for a day or two I probably still had enough supplies in the house, I reassured myself. I then took my breakfast to the study and sat down at the PC. I started the browser and bit into the first slice of toast. Indecisive, I surfed the net for a while, devouring my breakfast and emptying half the pot of tea.
Finally, I came to my favorite page. The page with stories by, with and about gay guys. And as always, this page captivated me immediately. I had already spent countless hours on this page. I already knew most of the stories. At least those that were marked as finished, because unfinished stories were a horror for me. After all, I wanted to know how the heroes of each story fared, and that until the bitter end, which fortunately was not really bitter for most of the stories.
Many of these stories were so good that you could easily read them more than once. Some of them had really become my favorites. I picked out a story that I hadn't read in a while. This story was divided into several parts, which alone added up to several hundred pages. What was special, however, was that this story was in turn one of several stories, and these in turn were even from two different authors. The stories were incredibly well written and the overarching story was very intelligent and exciting. In short, they promised very good entertainment on a topic that, whether I wanted to or not, was constantly on my mind: being different, being gay, to call it by its name. I could still remember very clearly how I read these stories for the first time and how much they impressed me.
This time, too, I was captivated by this secret world of my own, my world. I was literally addicted, absorbing one story after the other. Only briefly interrupted by the most necessary tasks and very late in the evening, or was it already early morning, I fell into bed with burning eyes after I had managed to press the crucial button on the PC. In the light sleep that followed, I relived the stories again, only disturbed by the recurring “guest appearances” of Lucas and Kai. When I finally woke up late in the afternoon, I couldn't remember any details. I got up and after I had conjured up a quick breakfast, I sat down at my desk again and started the PC. I was quickly back in my world and could forget the real world around me. I could share the excitement, love and suffering with my heroes without being harmed myself. So the second day passed in my self-imposed exile.
On day three, a growling stomach and an empty fridge convinced me that it was high time for Diogenes to leave his bin. So I shuffled into the bathroom first. When I got there, I looked carefully in the mirror and was shocked. An unkempt something or other, covered in stubble, was looking back at me. I raised an arm and sniffed cautiously at the shirt I had been wearing for three days. Musty was probably an extremely well-intentioned description of what I was now perceiving. Okay, I thought, enough of this hermit stuff, it's time to get in the shower!
No sooner said than done. Half an hour later, a freshly showered, freshly shaved and freshly brushed teeth Jan-Phillip Böhm stood in his bedroom and picked out clean clothes from his closet. While I was getting dressed, I thought about the last two days. It was actually pretty stupid to waste a vacation like that. On the other hand, the retreat and reading so many good stories had done me a world of good. Well, and nobody missed you after all. Not a single phone call in the last time, I thought. Oh shit, I suddenly remembered, the phones! I had turned them both off. After I had finished dressing, I went over to my study and activated the two phones. Since I didn't have an answering machine, I couldn't find out if anyone had tried to reach me on a landline. With my cell phone, it looked a little different. Although there were no new messages on the mailbox, the envelope symbol on the display indicated that I had received one or more new text messages.
I opened the folder and my jaw dropped! There were 32 new messages! I scrolled through the list and almost couldn't believe it. They were all from Kai. Was he totally crazy? The last message from him was just an hour old. Man, really, he's really sick. I started to get seriously worried. What if he's some kind of stalker? Man, didn't I have enough problems already? Not that kind of shit too. I didn't want to delete the text message for now, but I didn't want to read it either. I decided to ignore the whole thing for now. Shaking my head, I put my cell phone in my jacket pocket. Since a glance out of the window had made it clear to me that it would be extremely cold outside today, I did not do without my cap this time, especially thick gloves and an especially fluffy scarf completed my equipment for the planned expedition into town. Still shaking my head at Kai's stubbornness, I first left my apartment and then the building.
Outside, I was hit by a bitter cold. Somehow, this winter had probably decided to break all cold records. I shouldered my backpack, which I had taken for my shopping, and trudged towards the tram stop. Although the cold annoyed me to no end, as already mentioned, I was slowly but surely mutating into a declared frosty turd, on the other hand, the snow and these temperatures promised a white Christmas. And that was, of course, an absolute highlight for my romance-addicted mind. Heartbreak or not. Well, there it was again, my thought of Lucas. Was this guy really going to haunt me all my life? I decided to lift my spirits with the prospect of a mulled wine, which I managed to some extent. When I arrived in town, I first started to do the necessary shopping. After that, I strolled calmly through the city, past the many brightly lit shop windows. By now it had gotten dark again. For a while, I tried to get inspiration for the Christmas presents I still had to buy from the displays in the shop windows, but that didn't really help me. Finally, I headed for the Christmas market in the old town. On the way there, I passed the huge Christmas pyramid in the middle of the pedestrian zone. This then gave me a huge stab through my heart. It had only been a few days since I had been there... No!, I ordered myself. You're not going to let that get you down, and I continued resolutely towards the old town.
Although I didn't meet any familiar faces at the Christmas market, I stayed there for a good two hours. The many stalls finally captured my imagination and I was able to find some of the gifts I was looking for for Christmas. I rewarded this success with some mulled wine and only when the fully packed backpack began to press uncomfortably on my shoulders did I finally make my way home. From the dense crowd of the market, I now stepped onto the pedestrian zone, which was already somewhat emptier at this time. Here I immediately noticed that the temperatures had probably dropped quite a bit again. So I hurried towards the train station and then under it towards the light rail. Less than ten minutes later, I left the train again and made my way to my apartment with my purchases. As I crossed the street in front of our block, I already saw it and was startled. A dark figure was crouching in front of our front door. The sidewalk along our street practically ran under our house. This was possible because the lower floor, which housed several shops and even a bank, was set back a little. The apartments above it thus formed a kind of arcade. This shelter from rain or other inclemencies of the weather was used at night, mostly in spring or summer, by some homeless people or even exhausted night owls to spend the night there. The caretaker had explained this to me when I moved in a month ago. It was a bit annoying, he said, but these uninvited guests were usually quite harmless and had usually disappeared by the next morning. I shouldn't be alarmed if I ever saw one of these “overnight guests” at the door. But I really hadn't expected anyone to make themselves “comfortable” on our doorstep at these temperatures. So I approached the front door with the utmost caution, my eyes fixed on the figure crouching in front of it. I saw how she had pulled her jacket over her head and held her hands under it, rubbing it and blowing warm air into it at the same time. The figure was shaking all over. I was unsure; I didn't know how to behave in this situation. Should I offer my help or would it be better not to? I decided to take the famous step forward.
“Uh... Um... Hello, can I help you?” I asked. The shivering figure suddenly looked up, the jacket slipped back a little, and I saw the almost blue, frozen face of Kai!
I was pretty shocked. Man, that was really a tough one. What was this guy thinking? First he hits on me, even flirts with me, then he steals my great love from me, only to then stalk me with his calls and text messages, and now he's lurking outside my own front door. I had a brief panic attack. Is he maybe not quite right in the head, should I not just run away screaming? After all, you've heard or read so much bad stuff. Maybe he's some kind of crazy stalker. After all, consider the temperatures and he's sitting here waiting for me for hours in this cold. Shouldn't I call the police now, I thought to myself. Ultimately, however, I decided to just stare at him like an idiot.
“Wwwww... hhhey Fffflip, ttschuldige that I'm just lurking here on you. But please, Fffflip, I have to talk to you. Please, it's... wwww... really, really important. It's...www... about Lucas... Flip, please listen to me.”
The bundle in front of me, trembling like an aspen leaf, spoke to me and pulled me out of my thoughts. His pleading eyes, his chattering teeth... it didn't help, all my anger, all my disappointment had simply disappeared. Suddenly, all I saw in front of me was a desperate and incredibly cute boy, freezing miserably, looking at me with an incredibly serious and at the same time uncertain look. In an attempt to salvage at least some shred of my wounded pride, I gave him a cool look and tried to answer in a similarly bored tone.
“Okay, Kai, I don't know what you could possibly have to say to me. And I've already made it clear to you several times that I don't want anything to do with either of you. But apparently I can't get rid of you that easily. But if we have to talk, then not here in the freezing cold. I'm slowly freezing my ass off here and besides, I think you could do with a little warmth too. After all, I don't want to be the one to blame if your Lucas becomes a widower because of pneumonia. It would be a shame about such a beautiful couple.”
At first, Kai looked at me with gratitude, but then I saw him slump down sadly at my last sentence. Okay, that last remark of mine was pretty low, and somehow the triumph I had hoped for didn't really materialize.
“Come on, Kai, come in,” I tried to approach him again. ”Warm up first, and then tell me what you think you have to tell me.”
I unlocked the front door and waited for Kai, who rose quite clumsily and still shaking uncontrollably from the cold. When we arrived at the door, I pushed him into the stairwell. I closed the door behind him and immediately the cozy warmth of the heated hallway surrounded us. However, this had a rather unfortunate effect on Kai. He must have spent hours outside my door in this cold. The sudden temperature change triggered the worst coughing fit I had ever seen in him.
Kai coughed for all he was worth, he convulsed and trembled, cold sweat rose on his burning hot forehead. Madness, I thought, he'll catch his death just because he wants to talk to me?
I bravely grabbed him by the shoulders; there was nothing left of my wounded pride now. I drove him up the stairs to my apartment, supporting him at the same time, because the effort of the coughing fit that didn't want to stop made him buckle.
“Man Kai, what the hell are you doing!” I said when I finally opened the apartment door and pushed him into the hallway of my apartment. ”Look, I'll run you a warm bath for your cold, you can get out of your damp clothes and then disappear into the bathroom to thaw out for the next half hour. Meanwhile, I'll make us a delicious hot chocolate, heat up the living room and then we can discuss what you absolutely want to tell me. Man, what on earth could be so important that you're literally lying in wait for me? It must be a matter of life and death if you're willing to catch pneumonia. By the way, I'm sorry about the stupid thing I said earlier, but I'm still very hurt because of what happened last weekend.”
Kai looked at me between two of his coughing fits, he nodded to let me know that he had understood my instructions, but apparently wasn't able to answer yet. Instead, he followed me into the bathroom. While I ran the water, he began to take off his clothes as I suggested. In the meantime, I organized towels, a bathrobe and warm, dry underwear of mine for him.
If this was going to happen more often, I thought to myself, suddenly remembering a similar situation that wasn't that long ago, then I really should get myself some kind of guest emergency kit. I smiled to myself, man, it's really crazy, you're gay and single and every guy who comes to visit you in your new apartment ends up in your shower or in the tub right away. After that, he walks around in your underwear and despite everything, you're still a virgin!
I sighed and went back to the bathroom with the clothes under my arm. Kai had now stripped down to his boxer shorts. Trembling, he stood somewhat indecisively in the middle of the bathroom. I sucked in the air. Wow, I thought, what a body! His blond hair, bright blue eyes, athletic, well-trained, but thank God not ostentatiously muscular body, which had also retained a slight summery tan, left me speechless. Kai looked at me somewhat indecisively and after we had been standing there for a while and I noticed that Kai was still shaking like an aspen leaf despite the heating I had turned up to full blast, my mouth and larynx found contact with my speech center again.
“So, Kai, here are some dry and warm clothes. I'll hang your own clothes over the radiator in the kitchen. If you like, I'll quickly heat up a cake and then we can warm up and talk in the living room over cake and chocolate. It must really be important to you. I hope it's not because of you and Lucas, or has he stood you up like he did me? If so, we can both comfort each other. As fellow sufferers.” The latter was actually supposed to be a joke to break the ice between us a little. However, the reaction I could see on Kai's dishevelled face showed me that this attempt had backfired.
“Flip, thank you for wanting to talk to me after all,” he finally said, not only because he was pressing every word out between the still ongoing coughing attacks. ”And please excuse me for all the trouble I'm causing you now, but I didn't know how else I could get you to listen to me. But please leave your cynicism behind. This is really important to me. Yes, it's about Lucas. But apparently you really don't understand anything. How could you? But believe me, I'm terribly worried. Man, Flip, I'm really scared for him!”
Another coughing fit interrupted the rest of his statement. I, on the other hand, turned as white as a sheet. Kai's desperate facial expression and his pleading tone left no doubt about the seriousness of what he was telling me. What was going on? What was wrong with Lucas? What didn't I understand? I felt panic rising up inside of me.
But there was nothing I could do. First of all, Kai had to get back to a reasonably normal state of mind, and to do that, he had to get into the warm bath. So I pulled myself together, nodded encouragingly at Kai again in the direction of the tub with the steaming and foaming water, and left the bathroom, holding Kai's damp clothes.
While I was now pottering around in the living room and kitchen for the next half hour, deep inside me a mental rollercoaster ride took place. What was actually going on between Kai and Lucas? Were they really a couple? Had Lucas just used me as a kind of appetizer for in between? And why was Kai so worried now? Well, and then there was still the question of why I couldn't stop thinking about Lucas. Was I really still in love with him? Why else had Kai's insinuations about Lucas sent me into such a panic?
I was now sitting in the living room, completely distraught. I had set the table, lit some candles and was waiting tensely for Kai to finally leave the bathroom. What a strange situation, I thought, as I looked around the room. I had dimmed the lights, the freshly baked cake was on the coffee table, next to it the pot of steaming hot chocolate. Soft music from my stereo system in the background and the tea lights distributed around the room somehow suggested something quite different than the upcoming discussion between two competitors for the same sweetheart. It was crazy, actually intended as a distraction, I had unconsciously transformed my place into a cozy corner for a possible romance. Just as I realized this and was about to get up to make the whole thing a little less conspicuous, I heard the bathroom door open. Just a few seconds later, Kai came into the living room. Once again, I was left speechless. Standing in the doorway, he rubbed his hair dry. He had decided against the shirt I had laid out for him and just put on the retro one that I had also laid out. The open bathrobe lay loosely over his well-formed shoulders. I couldn't get enough of this extremely handsome appearance. His athletic chest still glistened slightly from the residual moisture of the bath. His chest and legs were completely hairless, only a small, seductive trace of blonde hair, visible only at second glance, disappeared from the belly button into the waistband of the retro, where an incredibly well-formed bulge emerged. I could feel the drool running down my chin. Man, a threesome with him and Lucas, wow, that would be it, was the only thought that was currently going through my sick mind.
My God, Flip! I suddenly thought. I just can't believe it. What's the matter with you? A few days ago you were totally freaking out because your lover, who you'd only known for a few hours, was apparently cheating on you, and now you're suddenly dreaming of wild sex with that same lover and at the same time with exactly the guy with whom your angel was apparently cheating on you. Hey Flip, are you crazy? Are all gays just sick?! Is sex all they ever think about?
These thoughts finally brought me back down to earth and back to my living room, where Kai was still standing in the doorway, looking a little indecisive.
“Come here, Kai. Take this blanket and wrap yourself up properly so you stay warm, and then help yourself to some food so you can get your strength back,” I ordered in a firm tone, also to bring myself back to reason.
Kai took the blanket I offered him and wrapped himself in it. It's a shame, I thought, as his sexy body disappeared under the thick cloth and then sat down in one of the armchairs of my leather suite opposite me. While he was settling in, I poured us both a hot chocolate and then cut up some of the baked apple cinnamon cake. Kai still hadn't said a word, but was just looking around the room somewhat indecisively.
As I lounged back on the couch, he finally broke his silence:
“So, Flip, thanks again for everything! But tell me, are you expecting someone else? If so, I'll be quick. I really don't want to disturb you or anything.”
“Uh, what do you mean?” I replied, not at all witty.
“Well, because of the lights and the music and all that. I'm just saying, if you have plans tonight, please tell me.”
“Oh,” I slapped my forehead with my flat hand and smiled somewhat embarrassed. ”No, no, that's fine, I just wanted to make us a little cozy. Um, just before you came out of the bathroom, I realized that it might be a little too cozy. If you want, I can turn on the big light.”
“Oh, no, that's okay. I was just thinking. You know, I really don't want to be a burden to you, but this conversation is really important to me, especially because of Lucas.”
“Okay, but before we start, dig in. Your coughing and shaking seems to be over. I just hope you don't have a fever or anything. Let me see!”
Instinctively, I put my flat hand to his forehead. He flinched a little, but then held out his forehead again. It wasn't a fever that I felt, but something else was triggered by this touch, a tingling sensation. Not electric shocks like the ones I had felt with a very particular angel, but still a very strange, pleasant tingling sensation, which first spread through my fingertips, over my hand, further through my arm and then over my whole body. After a while, it could have been an hour, I pulled my hand away again.
Kai looked at me, slightly irritated.
“Okay, you don't seem to have a fever. Fortunately!” I tried to salvage the situation. ”So then, let's get to the meatballs, or rather the cake. If you've been sitting there for hours, you must be starving.”
Hesitantly, Kai reached for the piece of cake and tasted it.
“Mmm, it tastes good, homemade?“ he asked, smacking his lips with slightly filled cheeks, and then took another hearty bite of his piece of cake.
“Nope, just baked,” I replied. “But I think it goes well with the season.”
“Yeah, you're right,“ Kai replied, reaching for his mug of hot chocolate.
“Hey, watch out!” I shouted, and Kai looked at me in amazement.
“Huh? What's the matter with you?” he asked.
“Oh, nothing, I just wanted to say that the cocoa is pretty hot. Not that you'll burn your snout.”
“Oh,” Kai replied with relief, and carefully blew on his mug. ‘No, burning your mouth is not so good, you already had that last weekend, if I may say so.”
“Okay, okay,’ I replied. ”You don't want to waste much time on small talk, do you? Well, then let's get straight to the point. Okay, I admit that some of what I said was maybe not quite right. But I was pretty confused and also pretty hurt. After all, it wasn't me who left Lucas. And it wasn't me who then threw myself into your arms. Man, that really hit me twice as hard, because I actually like you quite a bit.”
Oops, man, can't I just keep my mouth shut for once? I had thought the last sentence, but it wasn't supposed to come out. Kai looked at me rather strangely.
“Are you really serious about that?” he asked.
“Well, uh, well, yes,” I stammered. ”No, really, Kai, I like you quite a bit. That's why I was so offended when I saw you two... Um... so, Kai, tell me, how long have you and Lucas been together? And is it normal for Lucas to indulge in a guy like me every now and then? And what is your opinion on that?”
So, now it was out, everything that had been on my mind for the last few days was now a big question. Kai looked at me long and hard, his face did not reveal what he was thinking. I was bursting with curiosity and at the same time I was ashamed of having thrown my feelings at him so bluntly.
“Flip, please tell me one thing, do you really love Lucas?” He suddenly broke the silence.
I looked at him in disbelief; of all the answers, of all the questions, this was the last thing I had expected.
“Um, well, how should I put this?” I searched for the right words. ”Yes, Kai, I love him. I can't say why I know that, after all, I have no experience in such matters, but deep down inside I am so sure that I really love him. From the first moment I saw him, I was somehow lost to the world and since then he has never left my mind and certainly not my heart.”
I looked directly at Kai as I spoke to him. There was no movement, nothing to indicate how he took my answer.
“And Kai,” I finally asked cautiously, ‘what about you? Do you love him too?’ Like a fist, the fear of his answer gripped my heart, which was pounding with excitement. It seemed like hours before Kai answered.
“Yes, Flip, I love him too!”
It was as if a world collapsed. Deep inside me, I had always thought, yes, sincerely hoped that the two of them only had a casual relationship like it seemed to be usual for gays of that age. Just a casual relationship, just sex. I had thought that maybe, once I had come to terms with myself, I might be able to win Lucas back. But like this?
“And Lucas?” My voice was no more than a soft whisper. ‘Lucas, does he love you too?”
I didn't really want to hear the answer. After all, I already knew it, but I didn't want to admit it.
“Yes, I think so.’ Kai looked me straight in the eye as he said this. It was just too much for me now. I felt the first tears welling up.
“Damn it, Kai, it just hurts so much! And how long have you two been together?” I really didn't want to know.
Kai got up, unwrapped himself from his blanket, gathered the bathrobe around his body and sat down next to me on the couch. I looked at him with tear-filled eyes.
“Here, take this,” he handed me one of the napkins I had placed on the table. ”First of all, wipe the tears from your sweet face. They don't suit you at all. And then just listen to me.”
He said this very tenderly. I was not at all uncomfortable with him being close, and I caught myself suddenly wishing that he would put his arm around me.
Kai didn't do anything like that, though. Instead, he leaned against the end of the couch so that we could look at each other. Then he began:
“So Flip, yes it's true, Lucas and I love each other, and have done for a long time, but not in the way you're thinking!”
I looked up in astonishment.
“Admittedly, Lucas and I had something together once. But that was at the very beginning and only lasted a very short time. Just one night, to be precise.”
My face seemed to be a single question mark, because suddenly Kai had to laugh.
“Oh, sorry, Flip, it must be awful for you when I talk about it in riddles. So, to cut a long story short, Lucas and I are not together, if that's what you're afraid of.”
I couldn't really breathe a sigh of relief. Kai apparently noticed this and continued:
“Lucas is more like a brother to me, who I never had, and I think I am the brother to him, who he had always wanted. And his mother and Thomas, yes exactly, your colleague Thomas, are the family that I haven't had for a long time.”
At the last sentence, a shadow fell over Kai's face again, just like the time I casually asked him about his parents at Cocido.
“So you see, Flip, there's no reason to be jealous of me.”
“Well, but that evening in the cocido, when we wanted to meet, and before that when Lucas suddenly disappeared, I don't understand any of it.”
“Hmm, well, I admit, it's all a bit confusing. I think I should just explain everything to you, even if Lucas will probably strangle me when he finds out. Especially when he finds out that I told you everything. But, Flip, before I start, there are two things I want to say to you.”
I looked at Kai expectantly.
“Flip, I can promise you one thing, Lucas loves you just as much as you love him. He has only spoken about you the last few days and it tears my heart apart when I see him suffering like this. And Flip, the other thing is, I'm damned scared for him. Flip, believe me, Lucas needs us both now. I don't know what's happening to him or what he'll do if we're not both there for him!
I can see that this has confused you even more, so I'll start from the beginning.
Well, I've known Lucas for exactly three years now. It was around this time, just before his sixteenth birthday, when I had just turned eighteen and was kicked out of home, that we met. And Flip, I can assure you, if it hadn't been for Lucas back then, I certainly wouldn't be around anymore.
As I said, I had just turned eighteen and, to celebrate, I was thrown out by my father. He had found out that his only son was gay, and of course, he couldn't let that sit on himself and his family honor. So after drinking himself up some courage, he beat me up in front of my mother and little sister and then threw me out on the street along with my few belongings. My mother didn't dare to do anything, but maybe she was just as disgusted by her gay son as my father was. My little sister was eleven years old at the time and didn't understand what was going on. She is the only one I still miss very much. But I'm afraid that my father could do something to her if I were to see her. So, with a heavy heart, I broke off all contact.”
With wide-open eyes, I listened as Kai reported on this human catastrophe in a rather cool and distant manner.
“My goodness, Kai, that's pretty harsh,” I finally blurted out. ”I suspected something was up when I mentioned parents who couldn't afford to pay for their children's studies. But I had no idea it was so hard for you, man.”
“Yeah, it was pretty tough for me, just the dear son and pride of my father and then that. You know, I had only just realized at the time that I was a bit different. I had fallen madly in love with Hendrik, the handsome boy in our class. He really was a dream boy and, as I unfortunately only found out later, the biggest asshole under the sun. To cut a long story short, Hendrik eventually realized that I was pretty smitten with him, took advantage of me and then, in a pretty underhanded way, made sure that everyone found out that I was gay. Of course, my father found out about that too, and just in time for my eighteenth birthday, I was pretty battered and homeless.
Well, and then I was still lucky. Lucas literally stumbled into my life, or more precisely, he stumbled over me.
I had now been kicked out of my home, and thanks to Hendrik's action, I couldn't show my face at my old school anymore, and the few apparent friends I had at the time suddenly didn't want to know me either. So I packed all my essentials into my backpack and just left the rest where my father had thrown it when he threw me out. Then I dragged myself to the nearest ATM and emptied my account before my father came up with the same idea. It wasn't much anyway. I then went to the train station and took the next train here. I must have looked pretty rough when I arrived here, especially thanks to my creator's kind special treatment. It was only here that I dared to go to the emergency room of one of the hospitals. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't have been treated at all in the hospital in our town. Here I babbled something about falling on the station stairs and that I hadn't had time to get patched up at first. Somehow I had the feeling that they didn't believe a single word I said, but somehow I also had the feeling that no one really cared.
Well, freshly bandaged, I was able to make my way back to the train station. So there I was, without a home, without any destination, with my few belongings and a good portion of anger in my stomach. So I had a few drinks, and late that night, looking for a place to sleep that wasn't so drafty, I ended up making myself comfortable in one of the doorways very close to Lucas's apartment. So you see, I already have experience making myself comfortable in the freezing cold in the doorways of people's homes. So I made myself comfortable in my army sleeping bag and, being as drunk as I was, I actually fell asleep. The next morning, Lucas actually stumbled over my legs on his way to school. It was still quite dark and the entrance I had chosen, which faced the sidewalk, was very poorly lit thanks to a broken exterior light. Plop, and there was Lucas. He had tripped over my legs and then fallen into a grubby pile of snow. At first I hadn't realized what had happened, because I was still quite drunk, but then I heard him swearing like a trooper and finally woke up.
I can tell you, Lucas had caused quite a scene and I thought, man, what's the pen so worked up about? He should have paid more attention, and that's what I told him. Well, I shouldn't have done that. He then went straight for me.
Lucas told me, by the way, that you were wrong about his age too. It's not hard to see that with him. He really does look much younger than he is. I think he also explained to you why that is.
Well, and I fell for it too. He looked so damn young back then. I thought, what does this kid want, when he pounced on me and gave me the first hook. I was still sitting half upright in my sleeping bag and could hardly defend myself. Well, there was nothing left to do but to protect myself from his blows to some extent. At some point, however, he hit one of my ribs, which my father had already treated with special love, and I screamed, after which I just writhed in pain. Lucas suddenly turned pale and jumped up.
'Man, I didn't mean to. Shit, I'm terribly sorry about that. But I don't know, I always go totally wild when someone makes fun of me. Man, what a bummer, should I call a doctor or something?' he stammered, completely beside himself. Meanwhile, I tried to peel myself out of my backpack and enjoyed the way the hellish pain gradually subsided.
'Don't worry about it,' I replied, 'it's not really your fault. Another guy has already done his thing around my ribs. Besides, it wasn't very nice of me to knock you down and then make fun of you. Peace?' I asked, holding out my hand. 'My name's Kai, by the way.
“Peace,” he replied, smiled at me incredibly sweetly and grasped my hand. ‘I'm Lucas, Lucas with a C, by the way!’ Then he helped me to my feet. That's how we finally got to talking. I just followed him on his way to his school. When we came to a more brightly lit area of the path, Lucas suddenly saw my rather battered face.
'Oh my God, what happened to you? It wasn't me, was it?' His sweet grin, which had almost rendered me speechless from the first moment, disappeared and he looked at me with total concern.
'Oh that, no, don't worry about that. That was my old man,' I tried to reassure him. Well, and then I had started something. Lucas didn't let up until I had told him everything. We hadn't been on the way to his school for a long time either, but back on the way to his home. He had decided that taking care of me was now clearly more important than geography or Latin.
We were just outside his front door when I got to the point in my story where my parents found out about my particular preferences. I faltered and didn't really know what to say to Lucas now. I had really taken this sweet guy to my heart in the almost half an hour that we had known each other, and I didn't want to upset him or even lose him with my confession of being gay. Again and again he asked why my old man had thrown me out on the street, and again and again I hemmed and hawed until I couldn't take it anymore and finally shouted in desperation:
'Oh shit, Lucas, I'm gay, you know, a faggy fag. That's why my old man threw me out, after he had of course tried to beat the gay out of me. Are you happy now? As far as I'm concerned, you're welcome to leave now. I could understand if you didn't want to have anything more to do with me.
I felt really awful back then. The whole thing with Hendrik and everything that had been triggered by it had already reduced my self-esteem to zero. Now, being despised and abandoned by Lucas as well would probably finish me off completely. Completely crushed, I hardly dared to look him in the eye.
Lucas, on the other hand, looked at me with wide-open eyes. I feared the worst. Then suddenly his face contorted into one of those Lucas-typical grins and finally he burst into laughter. I was completely perplexed. 'Man, I just don't believe it, this can't really be true!' He snorted. I was already prepared to fight, I didn't need him laughing at me either.
Lucas realized this and tried to suppress his laughter. After a short pause, he said: 'Sorry, Kai, I didn't mean to laugh at you, I just laughed at the incredible coincidence. You know, it must be fate somehow. Last night, I confessed to my mother with a lot of trepidation that it probably won't work out with the grandchildren, because I like guys and I want nothing more for Christmas than to meet a sweet dream prince as soon as possible who is as predisposed as I am. Well, and what did she say then? That she had suspected it for a long time, the absence of any female friends my age and the many boy band posters in my room had probably sharpened her maternal intuition. And finally, she said that although it would be a shame about the grandchildren, she wouldn't have the slightest problem with it otherwise. Well, and then she said that if I was open about my preference, someone would be found for me soon. Well, and the first cute boy I come across today promptly tells me that he's gay. If that's not awesome!'
I couldn't believe my ears. Lucas, who I had found really likeable from the start, was chatting away happily and telling me that he was into boys too. I was almost moved to tears.
Lucas, on the other hand, looked at me and then said very thoughtfully: 'Kai, I'm incredibly sorry about what happened to you. When I think about it so carefully, I was probably incredibly lucky with my coming out. Please, Kai, let me help you. I think we, the members of the famous ten percent, should just stick together.
That was the last straw for me, and I just cried uncontrollably. Somehow Lucas guided me to his home. There he prepared a fabulous breakfast for me, then set up a bed in his room and, after eating, forced me to get a good night's sleep. In the evening, he introduced me to his mother. The stupid guy actually wanted to tie a bow around me and give me as a Christmas present. Somehow I was able to dissuade him, though, and so I stood there without a bow, but still pretty excited in front of his mother. She had nothing better to do than to hug me immediately and, when Lucas had roughly told her my story, not to let go at all...”
Kai broke off his story here. He swallowed hard and I realized how much the memories still troubled him.
“Man Kai, that's really a tough thing,” I said to him. ”Man, I'm really sorry that I was such an ass. I can understand now why you're so attached to Lucas. And did you fall in love with each other right away?” I just had to ask.
'In love, yes, but not in the way you mean, as I already told you. Lucas was always there for me from that day on, and I for Lucas. We were and still are stuck together like glue. But more as brothers. By the way, Moni, his mother, was just great, too. The very next day, she took a vacation day and then dragged me to all kinds of government offices. It wasn't so bad in the end. After all, I had just turned eighteen and thus come of age, and my father had officially kicked me out. The government ordered him to pay child support until I found a job, which he accepted with gritted teeth, as long as he didn't have to see me. Moni then dragged me to the high school that Lucas also attends and made sure that I could go back to class there after a few days. Man, when I think about what I have to thank them for. That same evening, she introduced me to Thomas. Yes, exactly, your colleague Thomas. He is quite socially committed and volunteers in a youth project. He runs a gay youth group here in town. Well, now you're looking, aren't you? So before rumors arise, Thomas is 100% straight, but since young people aged fourteen and up participate in the youth group, those in charge thought it would be better if a hetero person took the chair, so as to avoid possible seduction of minors or something. Thomas is really great and he's doing his job really well. By the way, he told me to tell you that you can stop hiding things from him. He figured out what's going on with you pretty quickly. So just give it a try and talk to him when you get a chance.”
Kai grinned at me and I blushed. However, Kai continued with his story completely unperturbed.
“A few days later, Thomas introduced me to the group and it was he who found me my current apartment. I lived with Lucas for about half a year, but I wanted to stand on my own two feet and, above all, not be a burden to Lucas and Moni. After I graduated from high school, I moved out. There were quite a few tears, both at Lucas' and mine. But I think it was just better that way. We had become incredibly close during the time I lived with Lucas, and one night we were even very close. It was a wonderful night and I am incredibly proud to have been the first man ever for Lucas, but we also knew that it wouldn't work out with us and that it had to stay with that one night. So, Flip, you can believe me when I say that I'm not standing between you. Lucas and I really only love each other like brothers and I really hope from the bottom of my heart that you two will be happy.”
Here Kai broke off again and I saw how suddenly he seemed very worried.
“Flip, what I'm going to tell you now must really stay between us, please promise me you won't tell a soul. Lucas will strangle me anyway when he finds out that I talked to you, but please, what I'm going to tell you now about Lucas, nobody knows about it, not even his mother. So promise me you'll keep it a secret.”
“Kai, you're scaring me,” I replied, nervously shifting around on the couch. ”But I promise I won't tell anyone anything, whatever it is.”
“Okay, I'll trust you, and if I don't, I promise I'll break every bone in your body.”
One look at Kai's determined face told me that he was quite serious about this. I swallowed.
“So Flip, after that one night, which, as wonderful as it was, was to remain the only one for us, after that night, Lucas became more and more impatient. He wanted to finally find his dream prince and if not him, then at least experience one or two adventures. Night after night he raved to me about some guys and I didn't get tired of urgently warning him about this or that.
When I moved out, Lucas's desire for a partner became more and more pressing. I myself had to deal with myself first, the new apartment, then my studies, and I also had to get a part-time job. In short, Lucas suddenly felt quite alone and went out to the relevant bars.
You know, Flip, Lucas loves to flirt. He enjoys the effect that his incredibly cute appearance has on others. You fell for him pretty quickly yourself. But the truth is, Lucas has always been looking for that one Mr. Right. Unfortunately, his young appearance is also a curse, and he kept falling for the wrong guys. Not all of them are as incredibly decent as you were. Lucas told me about your concerns. Well, to cut a long story short, a week after I moved out, Lucas met a guy called Peter. Peter was around your age, Lucas was sixteen and a half at the time. Well, and this Peter was really keen on him. Unfortunately, Lucas mistook it for real love, and all my attempts to warn him failed. Our relationship suffered enormously from this, because Lucas suspected that my rejection was actually just my jealousy of Peter. Moni was also against this relationship. And it was the first time that I experienced Lucas and her having real stress with each other.
After half a year, the nightmare was suddenly over. While Lucas believed that he was in a committed relationship that nothing and no one could shake, Peter screwed his way through almost the entire gay scene in this city. Lucas was just a tasty appetizer that he thought he could safely have.
One day, when Lucas was at soccer practice and Moni was at work, this Peter was so brazen as to cheat on Lucas in his own room with a guy from the train station. Lucas came home unexpectedly early from practice and caught the two of them in his own bed. I don't think I have to tell you what a world collapsed for Lucas. He hadn't just driven the two guys out of his room. The entire interior had to believe in it, especially, of course, his bed. After that, he was completely dissolved at my door. I helped him the next few weeks, as he had helped me. Partly, I was glad that our relationship improved significantly again. We are even welded through this experience only more together. On the other hand, I also realized that something in Lucas was broken, namely his carefreeness. Since then, he has not been able to enter into a committed relationship, excluding ours.
Well, and then you came along, and suddenly everything was different. Man, I was so happy when Lucas told me how you had crept into his heart, it was that evening, just before you surprised us both at Cocido. But he also told me right away that it wouldn't work out with you, no, even more so, it shouldn't work out with you!”
Here Kai paused again and looked at me very sadly.
“Why not?” I asked immediately. ”I know that at first it was me who didn't want to give this relationship a chance, but then, when it seemed like everything was clear between us, Lucas suddenly took off like greased lightning.”
“Yes, I asked him that too,” Kai replied. ‘I kept asking him that that evening, and then he told me in tears.”
“What did he tell you?’ I could hardly control myself. This uncertainty and at the same time this longing for my Christmas angel, which had been growing from minute to minute since Kai told me, was almost driving me crazy.
Kai looked at me again, very sadly and worriedly, then he sighed deeply and continued:
“A good two weeks before you met, Lucas' past caught up with him again. When he came home from school, there was a letter addressed to him in the post. He told me that he didn't even take much notice of it at first and just put the envelope on his desk. It was only when he wanted to prepare something for school in the evening that he noticed the envelope again. It was an official letter. The sender was the MHH. That had surprised him quite a bit and when he finally opened the envelope, it was a bit of a shock for him. They informed him that a certain Peter, just his ex, was currently being treated at the MHH for an infectious disease. As a preventive measure, the patient had been asked about his close contacts in the recent past and his name had been mentioned. As a precaution, he was asked to make an appointment for a routine check-up as soon as possible, and more details would be provided during the examination.
It didn't sound too exciting, and when Lucas called me the next morning to tell me about this strange letter, we made a few jokes about it. I still remember how I suspected that the whoremonger had probably caught the clap during one of his many affairs, and then jokingly asked Lucas if it was already itching for him in the crotch. We then fooled around quite a bit and Lucas promised to report to me as soon as he knew more. Since then, I hadn't heard anything more from him about it and, to be honest, I hadn't given the whole thing much thought. I'd been pretty busy the last two weeks anyway, after all I'd decided to take my studies a bit more seriously again, even though there was a lot to do in Cocido too, so close to Christmas. Well, that's how I got over the whole thing. Until the evening when Lucas called me, completely agitated. Maybe you can still remember calling me on my landline to ask if we wanted to meet?”
I nodded, yes that was the evening when I had apparently caught them red-handed. I was now ashamed of my stupid reaction at the time.
“Maybe you also noticed how my cell phone rang at the end of our phone call?”
I nodded again.
“Well, that was Lucas. He had been trying frantically to reach me on the landline, but we were both in the middle of something. So he tried the cell phone. Well, and when I heard him on the cell phone, I was pretty worried. He was completely distraught, but only wanted to tell me more in private. I then arranged to meet him at Cocido, because I had agreed with Klaus that I would cover for him. Lucas arrived shortly after I took over the service, but of course didn't want to say anything over the bar. Thank God Klaus came back from his errands earlier than expected, because Lucas could hardly contain himself, he was so upset.
I was really quite worried, because I had never seen him like this before. Even when he had caught his Peter during the aforementioned tryst, he hadn't been so distraught.
So we were finally able to talk and we retreated to the furthest corner of the Cocido. I didn't even have to urge him, because he immediately started telling me everything. First he told me about you. I immediately realized that it must have hit him pretty hard. The way he looked, I could tell how much he was in love. I had never heard him rave about a boy like he does about you. ”
Now, of course, it was time for me to blush. However, Kai was not impressed by this and continued:
“On the one hand, I was of course totally happy that Lucas had apparently finally found his long-awaited dream boy, and I really hoped that you wouldn't disappoint him, but on the other hand, I couldn't understand why it was such a blow to him. Well, when I told him that, the real bombshell came. I told you how much Lucas had grown on me, but what I found out now was quite a shock and still is. Man, Flip, I don't even know how to best break this to you.”
Now it was my turn to look quite nervous and worried. “Uh, why teach me? What do I have to do with it?” I asked, also quite irritated.
“Well, nothing at first, of course, but you let me understand earlier that you love Lucas just as much as he loves you. Flip, what I'm about to tell you may change everything. Please, Flip, promise me you won't leave Lucas, please!”
Now I was really quite nervous and looked at Kai, completely distraught. What was going on here, what was so bad that everything between me and Lucas would change? That was what I wanted to ask Kai.
“Well, you're really making it exciting, Kai. What on earth could change between me and Lucas?” ‘Does it have something to do with this letter from the MHH?’ Lucas had received another letter that morning after our first night together. I noticed that when he was on the phone with his mother. ”What did they find out? Something concerning him and this Peter guy? He's not pregnant, is he?” I tried to joke. But when I saw Kai's face twist, I realized immediately that this was one of those jokes that I would have been better off not making.
“Man, Flip, what an ass you are, hey, this is really damn serious and you're talking such bullshit, man!“ he bleated at me, completely rightly. I looked at him like a little sinner.
“Sorry, Kai,” I replied immediately. “I'm really sorry, but whenever I'm totally insecure, I make stupid jokes like that. But I think I really could have done without it here. Kai, I promise you, nothing, absolutely nothing can shake my love for Lucas. Really nothing! But please, don't keep me in suspense any longer. What's going on, what did Lucas tell you?”
“Okay,” Kai replied. ”Apology accepted, I guess I'll just have to get used to your strange sense of humor.”
“Well, it's also sometimes quite inappropriate,” I admitted. ”But please, Kai, continue.”
After a short pause, during which Kai looked at me very penetratingly, he continued:
“So, when I asked Lucas what was so bad about your newly discovered love, he completely broke down and started to cry terribly. When I tried to comfort him and hold him, he suddenly jumped up and just screamed, 'No, Kai, don't touch me, don't, I'm so damn dirty, Kai please, it's bad enough that you have to sit here next to me, but please don't touch me if you value your life!'
Wow, that was really intense, and now I was absolutely determined to find out everything. So I urged Lucas to tell me everything. After a short break, while he had calmed down a bit, he finally started.
He told me that after he had told me about the first letter from the MHH and had made his jokes, he had made an appointment for the next day. He went there without any inhibitions. Because of his incredibly young appearance, there were the usual complications again, such as where his legal guardians were and why they had let him go there alone. Okay, Lucas then answered quite violently as usual and at some point they probably took the trouble to examine his ID. But when they told him why they had really summoned him, a world collapsed for Lucas.”
Consciously or unconsciously, Kai made his story so terribly long-winded and exciting at the same time. I slid nervously back and forth.
“Man Kai, you're driving me crazy. What about Lucas? What on earth is wrong with him?”
I had jumped up from the couch and was about to grab Kai by the collar of my dressing gown and shake him hard. Kai, on the other hand, looked at me penetratingly, almost imploringly, and then said:
“Flip, please, you have to be incredibly strong now. Lucas has...“ He hesitated as if he was wondering whether he should really continue speaking. But then he also got up, took a step towards me and grabbed me by the shoulders with both hands.
“So, Flip,” he looked me straight in the eye, “it's not 100 percent certain yet, but Lucas may be HIV-positive...”
Boom, out, black, nothing...!
My legs gave way, I fell! Not just onto the couch, which cushioned my fall. No, I fell into a deep, black hole. A thick fog spread in my brain. Emotions, they were just no longer there. I was nothing, I knew nothing, I felt nothing.
“Flip, man, Flip, what's wrong?!”
Smack! I suddenly felt a blow to my cheek. The fog lifted and I saw Kai's worried face.
“My God, Flip, what happened? Please pull yourself together, we have to be strong now, you have to be strong for Lucas. He needs both of us now...”
Kai looked at me very seriously. It seemed to me as if he was looking inside me, as if he wanted to fathom what this news had really triggered in me.
“Kai, please let me think for a few minutes, please!” I pleaded with him. At the same time, I tried to avoid his searching gaze.
I just needed a little time to collect myself. Lucas, my Lucas has AIDS?!! But that can't be. Not him. It's not possible. And if it is, had I maybe caught it from him? Shouldn't I be panicking right now?
I listened to myself. No, not a trace of panic. Or was there? It was strange, this wasn't about me. Yes, there was something like panic, panic about Lucas. My Lucas! That couldn't be. My Lucas couldn't have AIDS. That's not possible. My angel couldn't be sick. Especially not incurably sick. Nothing and no one should do that to him. I was getting angry. Who did this to him? Of course, it was that Peter. Kai had said that he was being treated for an infection at the MHH and that's why Lucas had written to him. That Peter, he would never live to see the end of his illness. I would make sure that he would pass away before then!
“Don't be ridiculous,“ a small voice inside me said. ‘You can't even hurt a fly, and it's not going to help your Lucas.’ I had to agree with that voice.
Yes, but what will happen now? I was suddenly afraid, incredibly afraid of losing Lucas.
“Kai,” I croaked, “please hold me very tightly.”
Kai, who had been looking at me intently the whole time, now sat down next to me on the couch and put his arm around my shoulder. He looked at me lovingly and warmly. He held out his arm, took my hand and squeezed it.
“Flip, everything will be fine. Believe me, we just have to all stick together and then nothing can happen to us!”
“Yes, but my Lucas and AIDS!“ I replied. ‘It's just not fair! Not my Lucas!’ I suddenly couldn't hold back my tears anymore and sobbed miserably.
“Shh...” Kai stroked my back reassuringly. Again he squeezed my hand tightly. He leaned forward a little and I felt his scent. Delicate and silky. Similar to Lucas, but still completely different.
“Flip, even if Lucas is infected, that doesn't mean that he has AIDS!”
I looked at Kai in disbelief.
“Yes, but... but you said that Lucas has HIV...”
“That he might be HIV-positive, yes, that's what I said, but that doesn't mean that he has AIDS right away. Medical science is much further advanced today than it was a few years ago. If Lucas really has the virus, but that's not yet absolutely certain, then there are good treatment methods for it today. If he behaves accordingly, it may well be that he never gets AIDS, or at least is safe from it for many years.
But that's not the question at the moment. First of all, Lucas still has to wait for the confirmation test. And in the meantime, he just needs you. That's why I tried to reach you and talk to you. If you really love Lucas as much as you say you do, then you have to be there for him now. Unconditionally! Do you think you can do that?”
Kai looked at me questioningly. What did he mean? Of course I would be there for my Christmas angel. He needs me and I will be there for him, how can Kai doubt that?
Okay, my scene at the weekend hadn't been that great, of course. 'Suboptimal' was probably a better description if you wanted to be honest. But I was just so in love and then, if only out of pure ignorance, I was quite disappointed. Sometimes you do stupid things and say things you wish you hadn't...
“My God!” I suddenly blurted out. ‘Kai, what did I do last weekend, when I threw such shit at you both? What did I do to Lucas!”
I suddenly felt sick. Kai looked at me as if to say, ’Well, the penny's finally dropped!'
“Well, Flip, I didn't want to say it so directly, but when you wished Lucas would fuck until he died of AIDS, that was a real blow for him. You can't imagine what was destroyed in him. I know you were very hurt and couldn't have known what you were doing with that comment. But it really was a kind of death blow for Lucas. Flip, believe me, since then I no longer know what to do with Lucas. I just don't recognize him anymore. Of course he was pretty desperate before, too. Who wouldn't be when they suddenly learn that a human asshole like Peter might have infected them with the virus. Flip, this guy knew that he was HIV-positive and still always had unprotected sex. But Lucas was much more desperate because after years he had finally found his dream boy in you and at the same time, for fear of infecting you, he had to break up with you immediately. When you sent him packing like that, it was over.
Flip, for days Lucas has been a picture of misery. He won't let anyone get close to him, not even me. His mother is also totally distraught. She doesn't know what's really going on, because I promised not to tell her anything, but I think she suspects something. Flip, Lucas just lies in his room and cries. He doesn't eat, he barely drinks anything. I'm afraid for him. The results of that damn confirmation test will take another two days, but I have the feeling that he's not even interested in that anymore. Flip, when he finally falls into a restless sleep for a few minutes, he only talks about you in his sleep, only to wake up shortly afterwards, crying and shaking. When I want to talk to him, he avoids me and remains silent. Flip, I'm scared shitless for him. If this continues, I'm afraid he might do something to himself!”
I looked at Kai, shocked. One look at his face told me that he wasn't exaggerating, that he wasn't just trying to make me feel bad. The fear in his eyes was real and the pleading in his eyes broke my heart.
“Kai, I have to see him. Right now. I must be the biggest idiot in the universe and probably the biggest asshole too!
Kai, do you think Lucas and I have a second chance?”
Kai looked at me. Relief stole across his face, followed by an incredibly sweet smile.
“Flip, I was wrong about you after all. I think we all make mistakes. And Lucas should have been honest with you from the start. It would have saved you both a lot of trouble. But he was so damn afraid you would drop him. I wasn't entirely sure until now whether you were really the right person for him, but now I am.”
I looked at Kai in disbelief.
“What makes you so sure?” I asked. He looked at me sweetly again and finally replied,
“You haven't once asked if you might have been infected too. You want to be with him and it seems you don't care that there might still be a risk of being infected after all.”
It was true, I didn't care. I wasn't important now. Nothing was really important. The only thing that mattered was Lucas. The only thing that really mattered was that Lucas knew he could count on me. I didn't know if he would ever forgive me. If we would ever be tenderly in each other's arms again. Sure, I hoped so very much, but that wasn't really important now. I just wanted my Christmas angel to be okay again. His incredibly shadowy grin, his fresh, natural way, to be able to experience that again was more important than anything else in this world.
I got up, went into the kitchen to get Kai's clothes, which I had hung up there to warm up. Back in the living room, I saw that Kai had already extinguished the tea lights and turned on the ceiling light. I held out his clothes to him.
“Kai, what's wrong? Will you please come with me. I think Lucas needs us. I think he needs both of us!”
****
The branches of the trees seem to want to break under the weight of the snow. The view from the guest room window is unbelievably romantic. But maybe it's just my heart pounding with happiness that makes the world seem rosy to me. It had already begun to get dark an hour ago. Meanwhile, the winter landscape outside is bathed in a clear, bright white. The hoarse cawing of the crows occasionally breaks the silence of the winter Christmas morning. For half an hour now, I have been hearing a suppressed rumbling down in the kitchen. The smell of coffee creeps up the stairs into our room. I have been sitting here all night now, my new laptop on my lap, my back against the high headboard of the kitschy old marriage bed, and my clumsy fingers maltreating the keyboard of my new toy. As before, my gaze wanders away from the screen through the room, out the window and then back into the room, only to linger for a while on the most beautiful and dearest thing in the world to me. My sweetheart! He is lying next to me on his stomach, grunting contentedly in his sleep. Overnight he has pushed the blanket aside a little. But in the well-heated room, this doesn't seem to bother him. My gaze wanders from his head, with its breathtakingly beautiful tousled hair, down his incredibly beautiful back to his forbidden, beautiful, firm butt, whose naked, plump cheeks almost want to jump at me. I take a deep breath, inhaling his scent, a scent that fills the entire room and even the creeping scent of coffee can't stop. A tear steals across my face. I can't believe my luck.
I have been sitting here all night, hacking away at my laptop, typing up our story. We made love. It was glorious, it was incredible, it was almost animalistic. Afterwards, our sweaty and exhausted bodies were tightly entwined as we waited for Morpheus' comforting veil. It took only a few minutes before I could hear my sweetheart's even breathing. I myself, however, just could not fall asleep. I was exhausted, I was tired and yet thousands of thoughts went through my head. The last few days, as exhausting and stressful as they may have been, were the most beautiful and important days of my life and I had a hard time sorting out everything that had happened to me during that time.
So I decided to carefully detach myself from this incredibly beautiful painting, turn on the small light at my side of the bed and get the laptop out of our luggage, which I had given to myself for Christmas the day before. I quickly connected the charger and booted up the laptop. A satisfied grumble from my sweetheart showed me that this action would not disturb his deep sleep. So I sat down carefully next to this incredibly beautiful boy and began to write my story.
Right now I am rereading the last part. I scroll up and come to the point where I ask Kai to accompany me. I had screwed up, really badly. My angel was in real trouble. He was in a bad way and I had betrayed him. Not knowingly, But still, he needed my help and I wasn't there. I felt pretty bad and when Kai got ready to get dressed to accompany me, a huge weight was lifted from my heart.
“Kai, please wait here in the car,” I said to him as I parked my burgundy speedster in front of a gas station shop. ”I'll just jump out quickly to get something.”
When I came back, I looked into Kai's grinning face.
“You're not serious,” he said, trying hard not to burst out laughing when he saw the huge bouquet of red roses. Actually, there were three bouquets, outrageously expensive and, considering that I bought them at the gas station, the quality was certainly mediocre to poor.
“Well,” I replied with a shy smile, ‘somehow I have to apologize to Lucas for my lousy behavior and somehow I want to show him how much I love him and I couldn't think of anything better on the spur of the moment.’ I felt the blush rising in my face.
Kai blinked at me with an incredibly mischievous look and then said:
“Oh Flip, you're incredibly sweet. If you and Lucas didn't just belong together and I wasn't Lucas' best friend, man, I would jump you like an animal right here and now!”
Completely intimidated, I got into my car, after carefully placing the flowers on the back seat. The whole way to Lucas's house, I wondered if I should take what Kai had said to me as a compliment.
When I arrived at Lucas's, I was overcome by an incredibly oppressive feeling again. What would await me there? Would Lucas even want to talk to me? Would he forgive me? And if so, how would we be able to deal with this terrible virus that was hanging over us like the sword of Damocles?
Kai released me from my thoughts by pressing the flowers into my hand with an encouraging smile.
“Here, you almost forgot these!“ he said, his smile turning into a broad grin. Then he became serious again and pressed the doorbell.
“It'll be fine,” he said, then Lucas' mother opened the door.
“Oh, it's you Kai, I thought...”
Lucas' mother was a woman in her forties. But you only saw that at second glance. For a woman, she looked really attractive. You immediately knew from whom Lucas had inherited this breathtaking charisma. Her open nature radiated a certain lightness and cheerfulness, although slight shadows around her eyes indicated that she must have been very worried lately.
Her gaze wandered from Kai to me, then to the bouquet of roses that I was holding in front of me as a kind of shield.
“Um, and who are you?” she asked me. My throat felt like it was being constricted. ‘I don't suppose the flowers are for me?’ she continued. ”Wait, wait. You must be this Phillip. Lucas didn't talk about anyone else for days, until suddenly...”
She looked at me intently and challengingly.
“What have you done with my boy?” she suddenly screamed, grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me roughly. ‘What have you done with my boy?”
“Moni, it's okay, please calm down.’ Kai had pushed himself between us. He put Lucas' mother's arm on his shoulder to calm her down. She let go of me and I took the opportunity to put a little distance between us.
“Moni, Flip didn't do anything, except maybe fall in love with Lucas, but I think it's mutual between the two of them. Everything else is really quite complicated and we'll explain it all to you in time. But now we have to go to Lucas first. Is he still in his room?”
“That's just it, Kai,” Moni looked at him desperately. ‘About half an hour ago I came into his room and wanted to put something to eat in front of him, hoping that maybe he was finally hungry, but his room was empty and this was lying on his bed.’ She held out a white envelope. Kai took it, looked at it more closely and then handed it to me.
“It's addressed to you,” he said, pointing to the two words on the envelope. ‘For Flip’ was written there.
I dropped the flowers and took the envelope, opened it with shaky hands, fumbled to get the letter out, and began to read it.
'Dear Flip, my dearest Flip!
You won't believe how hard it is for me to write these lines. Not because I want to tell you how much I love you or because I want to tell you how important you are to me and that I can't live without you anymore. No, that's not what's hard for me. What I would really like to do is write it in huge letters on every wall in this city, because it's true and it's the most beautiful and best thing I've ever felt for anyone.
No, Flip, what's hard for me is that I now know for sure that we will never have a chance, we must never have a chance!
Flip, I love you so much that I'm almost going crazy, and I long for you so much that it really hurts. But I also know that it can't be and that if you really love someone as much as I do, it shouldn't be.
I'm dirty. Yes, you were right, I'm a slut and I've been screwing around until I finally die of AIDS. You couldn't have known when you threw it in my face, but you're right. I'm contaminated and you're much too good for me.
Flip, I'll go, because I'm not allowed to see you again, but I also know that I can't live without you. Please, Flip, just forget me and find yourself a handsome guy who suits you and won't disappoint you the way I did.
But I do have one last request for you! Please talk to Kai. He isn't what you think. He is, besides you, surely the best person in the world and a true friend. Please tell him how much I liked him and also tell him that he should take care of Moni, because she also deserves a better son than I ever was.
One day you will surely all understand my decision and realize that it was the best for everyone.
Flip, I still love you so much that it hurts.
And Flip, please forget me!
Your Lucas'
I felt dizzy, my heart was racing, my stomach was cramping in panic. Afraid and full of despair, I looked over at Kai. He looked at me questioningly. With shaky hands, I gave him the letter.
Kai's eyes flew over the lines, and I saw all the color drain from his face. Horror was reflected in his expression as the terrible meaning of these words slowly dawned on him.
“Come on!” he suddenly ordered, and he literally pulled me along with him. Lucas's mother looked at us both questioningly and confusedly.
“Later, Moni. We'll explain everything to you later. Right now, however, we have to hurry,” said Kai, and turning to me, ‘Come quickly, we'll take your car, we really don't have much time!”
“Where should I go?’ I asked when we finally sat in my car.
“I'm not 100 percent sure, but I have a terrible hunch. You read the letter, and your reaction showed me that you fear the same thing as I do. First of all, drive to the train station. Do you know the high-rise building at the square behind the train station?” Kai looked at me questioningly, I nodded.
“Lucas often crept onto the roof of this high-rise when he felt lonely or had problems and just wanted to think in peace,” Kai continued. ”At some point he went up there, just for fun, he told me, he had somehow found out that the door to the stairwell wasn't locked at the top. Thomas lives in one of the apartments there and during one of his visits with Moni, he must have discovered that. After the thing with Peter, he took me up there one evening. It's really breathtaking up there. I could well understand that you could end up there if you wanted to think about something in peace. But now I fear the worst.”
Kai looked at me desperately.
“Flip, I really hope I'm wrong, but I'm afraid Lucas could really do something to himself!”
Once again, my throat felt like it was being choked. I just nodded and my eyes asked, “How and where?”
“Flip, we have to get to the high-rise and somehow get to the parking deck. Hurry, Flip, we don't have a moment to lose!”
I stepped on the gas. Traffic lights and road signs no longer existed. As if in a trance, we reached the square behind the train station. I searched for the driveway to the parking deck of the high-rise and finally found it. A barrier blocked the driveway. Kai looked at me.
“Flip, what are you planning?”
I stepped on the gas.
An ugly sound followed the direct contact between the barrier and the wine-red paint of my car. The barrier jumped to the side, seemingly without taking much damage. I didn't care much about my car, there was nothing that couldn't be undone with a little money. But what couldn't be undone was the loss of my Christmas angel. I sped up the driveway. I hoped that there were no cameras or at least no one who would evaluate the images now. Police were the last thing we needed now. I wanted my Lucas, no more and no less. I myself had brought him this far through my stupidity and I myself now had to get him back. When I arrived at the last parking level, I drove right up to the door to the stairwell. As soon as I stopped, Kai jumped out of the car. I didn't even try to park the car properly, but left it as it was and jumped out too. I ran like crazy after Kai and dashed up the stairs. Halfway up, I caught up with him and then overtook him. Despite my running training, I almost lost my breath when I finally reached the door to the roof. With shaky knees, I stopped for a moment, and behind me I heard Kai panting up the stairs. I opened the door carefully. If Lucas was here, I didn't want to scare him or corner him in any way, assuming he hadn't done any mischief yet. Very slowly, I pushed myself through the door. My eyes quickly adjusted to the darkness outside, which was also broken by the huge neon sign of the tower opposite. Kai was right, the view over the city from here was breathtaking. But I had no sense for that now. Desperate, I scanned the roof of the high-rise. Always expecting to see someone standing at the very edge of the roof. But there was no one there. Was I too late? Had my angel already thrown herself, and with her me, into misfortune? Would I ever be able to live with this guilt? Would I have no choice but to go the same way? Full of panic and despair, I entered the roof with weak knees.
Then I saw him. A dark figure was cowering against one of the elevator shafts. I approached him carefully and on tiptoe. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kai had now also reached the roof and was about to follow me. I vigorously waved him away. This was my job. I had screwed up everything and only I could get my angel back.
A few steps still separated me from my angel. I heard him sobbing. My heart clenched as I saw him sitting there, completely devastated and huddled up.
“Lucas, my angel,” I heard myself whisper softly. ”My darling, I was such an unspeakably stupid and arrogant asshole. Can you ever forgive me again?”
He didn't look at me, but I was sure that he had noticed me.
“I can't, I just can't do it,” he whimpered. ”Flip, believe me, I really tried, I stood there at the edge and really wanted to, but I was so damn scared. I just can't do it. It would be the best thing for all of us. Flip, please forgive me, I know you despise me and you have every reason to, but I love you so much, please help me!”
I felt sick, I felt a terrible twinge in my heart, and tears welled up in my eyes. Is there anyone in the world who could bear to see an angel suffer like that? I couldn't, and I rushed to my angel and took him in my arms. I felt how he tried to free himself from my grip.
“Not Flip, you mustn't. I'll infect you. That mustn't happen. I'd never forgive myself!” ”You haven't got the slightest idea who, or rather what, you're holding in your arms...”
“Shhh... Lucas, be quiet. Nothing like that will happen,” I tried to calm him down. ”I know all about it, Kai gave me a thorough talking to and told me everything, and I don't care. But there's one thing I definitely do care about, and that's you, Lucas. No matter what happens, I definitely never want to lose you again. Besides, nothing is certain yet, and even if it is, there are medications and there are treatment methods. We will act accordingly and we will still have a future despite everything. So please Lucas, don't get so down on yourself and give us both another chance. ... And Lucas, one more thing, I'm so incredibly glad that you didn't dare to do it. Lucas, I don't know what I would have done without you, I want you and I never want to be without you again, can you get that into your pretty head? Please don't ever do anything like that again, promise me that, please! Lucas, I need you. With or without the virus, I couldn't care less – Lucas, I love you!”
He still avoided my gaze. I loosened my embrace and took his head in both hands. Our eyes met. We both looked into eyes reddened by tears. My lips approached his mouth, his beguiling scent enveloped my nose. I felt his soft warm lips, which he held tightly pressed together. However, I did not give up. I gently stroked through his hair. With my other hand, I ran along his delicate and trembling body. I stroked his back, then his buttocks, then his chest. My lips were still pressed firmly against his mouth. My tongue played around his lips. My hand traveled along his firm stomach, only to get lost in his crotch. I noticed how he slowly relaxed. Only the large bulge that I felt in his pants showed me that another region of his body was becoming very aroused at the same time. Suddenly, his lips parted and allowed my tongue entry. His tongue, too, suddenly began to go on a journey of discovery. A wild battle began. I felt his firm arms around me, our bodies rubbing wildly against each other. It wouldn't be long before I came.
“Stop, Flip, no! The virus!”
Lucas had jumped up. Again, he was shaking all over. I stood up and took him in my arms again.
“Lucas, haven't you been listening? I don't care. You're important to me, nothing else. And it's not that easy to catch. Please Lucas, give yourself a chance. Give us a chance. Together we will get through everything. No matter what may come!”
“Flip is right. Man Lucas, you gave us quite a fright.” Only now did we notice Kai, who had remained in the background the whole time.
“Lucas, you have friends. They are always there for you. You don't have to go through this alone. Please trust us!”
I couldn't agree more with Kai. Encouragingly, I looked at him. Kai came up to us and gave us both a hug. I felt Lucas calm down, his trembling increasingly subsided. There we were. In the middle of the freezing night on one of the two tallest buildings in this city. Illuminated by the huge, blue and white neon sign of the tower opposite. Closely embraced, fearful of what was to come and yet unspeakably happy about what we had, namely each other and unconditional love. The brotherly love between Lucas and Kai, which slowly began to rub off on me, and the love between me and my Christmas angel, which nothing and no one could harm anymore. Minutes, hours, days. I don't know how long we stood there, but it was one of the most important and exciting moments of our lives, we agreed on that.
That was four days ago. Four days that resembled a roller coaster in their ups and downs. Two days after that exhausting embrace on the roof, the result of the confirmation test came. Kai and I had accompanied Lucas to the MHH and were at least as nervous and excited as he was. The test was negative and with a certainty of 99.9996 percent, it could now be ruled out that this Peter had infected my Lucas with this terrible virus. Unfortunately, as it turned out later, not all of his sex partners were so lucky. I didn't care what happened to this Peter guy. The fate of his unfortunate victims, on the other hand, touched me. Lucas had been very lucky, but others were not. This fact made me happy and angry at the same time. In the conversation with the senior doctor, it turned out that Lucas should never have been told the result of the first test. This so-called screening test is very easy to perform, but it is not 100% accurate. If, as in Lucas's case, an HIV infection is diagnosed, it may be a false positive. To rule out a false positive, a much more elaborate confirmation test is carried out. Only after this test is the patient informed of the result. A stupid mistake made by an intern had led to the momentous letter being sent in Lucas' case. During our conversation, the doctor apologized a thousand times for this mishap. Although I'm not a particularly Bible-based Christian, I still thank God on my knees that no worse has happened because of this stupid mishap.
The last two days were like a dream for us. Kai had arranged to go skiing in the mountains with some nice guys from Thomas' youth group over the holidays. Some of them had similarly 'nice' parents as Kai and therefore didn't have to or weren't allowed to have any family contact.
I had finally come out to Thomas. Officially, at least, because he had thought he knew for a long time. So I had lost a 'mere' work colleague and gained a very good friend.
Thomas and Moni had also come closer to each other. After the first shock of what had happened, which we had explained to them in a conversation that evening, Moni told us with a clear guilty conscience that she and Thomas had planned to take a short vacation over the holidays, as they had already announced. But now that she had witnessed this near-disaster, she didn't want to leave her Lucas alone.
“Especially since my sweetheart also has his birthday on Christmas Day!“ she said apologetically.
“No way, you're going to have a great vacation with your Thomas first!” my angel had replied indignantly. “And I'm not really alone, because after all, I have my Flip and I'm definitely not giving him up!” And then she sealed what she had said with a big kiss.
Moni looked at us blissfully and Thomas gave us his thumbs up. Well, everything was okay with them. But then there was still something that weighed heavily on me.
Lucas had insisted on getting to know my mother and suggested spending the holidays with her, as I had planned before. Now, however, there were three of us.
“You can introduce me as a friend and not as the boyfriend if you don't dare,” he suggested to me with an outrageous mixture of a broad grin and puppy dog eyes.
“No way!” Was my answer. ‘If I do it, I'll stick to the truth, come what may. I'm not going to pass off my sweetheart as just any friend!’ A pinch on his incredibly sexy ass then also conjured his outrageously broad grin out of his face.
On the drive home to my mom, I had pretty much cursed my hasty step to out to her so over-confidently. What if she couldn't handle it? Would I take a rejection as easily as Kai had to experience it? I looked over at my angel, who was blissfully sleeping cuddled up in the passenger seat. Okay, I thought, no matter what happens, my sweet angel is definitely worth the risk. I had briefly announced to my mother on the phone that I would not come alone, but would bring my sweetheart with me. But in the heat of the moment, I had completely forgotten to tell her the sex of my sweetheart.
So there I was, holding hands with my Christmas angel, anxiously waiting for my mother to open the front door. Suddenly the door sprang open and I found myself in my mother's arms.
“Oh hello my son, nice to be able to cuddle you again!” she exclaimed enthusiastically. After a while she let me go and took a step back. Then she looked at my Christmas angel intently. Nervously, I tugged at the hem of my jacket.
“So that's your treasure?” she asked after what seemed like an eternity. I looked anxiously back and forth between her and Lucas. Suddenly, a broad grin spread across my mother's face. ‘Well, you've got good taste, I'll give you that!’ ”Now come on in, both of you, you must be starving after such a long journey. And don't give me that dumbfounded look,” she snapped at me, not entirely serious. ”Hey, I'm your mother, and I realized a while back that you don't really have a thing for women, but I just figured, don't push him to tell you, he'll come around eventually on his own.”
I was both stunned and overjoyed. Could one person really deserve so much happiness? But after all, it was Christmas, and you don't ask why you're happy, you just rejoice when it happens. And happy, well, I still am. Overjoyed and unspeakably grateful. Again I look over at the angel who is blissfully slumbering next to me, sleeping into his birthday. Yesterday evening comes back to my mind. After the exchange of gifts, we had given each other real gold rings engraved with each other's names and the date of our first meeting, a sumptuous Christmas dinner and a nice, contemplative evening watching together with Momma Terminator II one of the soft tissue transmitters, Lucas and I retired to the guest room. We quickly laid a trail of our clothes to the bed that made Hansel and Gretel look like bloody beginners. Lying on the bed, we caught each other in a wild embrace. For the first time ever, we felt our completely naked bodies against each other. With hot, demanding kisses, we explored each other. Lucas rubbed my boner with his soft hands until I was on the verge of exploding. I returned the favor in a similar way.
“Flip, I want you inside me, please,” my angel breathed, completely dirty.
My heart leaped for joy. Little Jan-Phillip did the same, I had to concentrate hard not to come before. I hastily rummaged through my toiletry bag, which was on the bedside table next to the bed.
“Man, what are you looking for?” Lucas asked me, impatiently waiting for his wish to be fulfilled.
“Oh, these damn rubbers. I know I packed some extra.”
Lucas suddenly looked at me disappointedly.
“Flip, so you do. It bothers you that I almost got infected with HIV. You're afraid to sleep with me. Admit it.”
Lucas sat up and looked at me with deep sadness. He fought back tears.
“Oh, my little, stupid angel,” I purred and took him in my arms. ”I'm not afraid of you, quite the opposite! As you know, I also had a test done the day you got your final result, and I won't get my result for a few days at least. So, as long as I'm not 100% sure that I can't infect you with anything, I'd rather use the rubber. That's obvious, isn't it? Lucas, I love you, so much that it almost hurts!”
My angel looked at me completely in love, tears, but this time tears of happiness, were in his eyes. He leaned over to me very close and took me firmly in his arms.
“Flip, I love you at least a thousand times over,” he breathed in my ear.
What followed was the most beautiful and perfect thing I had ever experienced. I came in him, he came in me. We made love until we were completely exhausted and I no longer know how I could ever have lived even a minute without him.
All this and a lot more went through my mind and so it came about that I am now sitting here writing everything down, even if it is just to get some clarity into my poor little head.
Today, the three of us will celebrate Lucas' birthday. Tomorrow, I will introduce my friends here to my sweet little angel. It will certainly come as a shock to them and cause a real scandal here in our little village. Of course I'm a little afraid. But my friends wouldn't be my friends if they didn't understand and stand by us. And I don't really care what the rest of them say and think. Mommy will take care of them. And Lucas and I will be leaving after Christmas anyway. We both want to go to Berlin for New Year's Eve. I told Lucas about the pancake run. He was immediately excited and wanted to run with me. I guess I found my gay running buddy. Well, and then New Year's Eve at the Brandenburg Gate, that's pretty obvious.
I think I'll give Kai a call later. Wish him a happy new year. I wonder if he's already found himself a cute boyfriend while skiing or après-skiing?
I'm overjoyed. Everything is in flux. I have Lucas and Lucas has me. Nothing in the world can harm us. The new year couldn't start any better. What will the new year bring, where will we be in a year's time? Will Kai find Mr. Right? Will he ever be able to reconcile with his parents? Lucas and I, will we still be as happy as we are now? I glance over at my Christmas angel, put my laptop aside and snuggle up close to his silky smooth body. His warmth and scent send a pleasant shiver down my spine.
All the questions in my head fade away. What will happen, will happen and is a different story. A story that I might write down another time. What counts is the here and now.
Apparently my embrace has woken Lucas up. He turns in my arms. He blinks at me. He snuggles up close to me. I feel the heat of his body, his heart beating slightly agitated in his chest and I notice his hard cock pressing against my stomach.
“Good morning, my darling,” he grins at me shamelessly.
“Well, you insatiable one, do you fancy me again?“ I ask. ‘Yes, my darling, besides, I'm still waiting for my birthday present from you,’ he whispers lovingly. I can only grin stupidly. I sink into his arms and lose myself in his sweet eyes.
“Lucas,” I moan, “my Christmas angel, please never let me go again!”