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Mr. Jennings looked around the class, annoyed. “And, who can tell me how many people live in Germany?” He looked around the class, but no one answered... it was the sixth hour and we were all tired. “Mr. Collins, how about you?” Of course, it was me again... I didn't have my mind on any meaningless numbers. Teaching German as a foreign language was enough for me, but why should I bother with some statistics? I thought about it for a while until Mr. Jennings finally said, “Maybe you should hurry up a bit - it's getting more with every minute.”
Most of the class grinned at least, only Davey had to let off a stupid remark again: “Collins won't contribute anything, the way he is at the moment.” “Nope, why should he? I also think about other things than population growth from time to time,” I fired back - pretty weak, admittedly.
I didn't even bother to elaborate on the sentence, I was used to such comments from Davey... and not only me. He got on the nerves of everyone in our class with his comments. They were just part of the daily routine and no one really paid much attention to them. Davey had always been a bit of an outsider, he never really belonged, but he had only adopted this repulsive manner in the last few years. Much to the chagrin of our teachers... they had been on the verge of expelling him a few times. Why hadn't they done it? I didn't know...
Things had only started to go badly between us recently, around the beginning of the eleventh grade. His comments were not only stupid, but sometimes even very hurtful... especially when it came to my father. I had only seen my father in a few photos, knew his first name and knew that he lived in Germany, but I had no contact with him. Mom never told me anything about him; what I knew about him, I learned from my grandmother. However, she always told me one thing: the reason why Dad and I had no contact was not because of him, but because Mom didn't want it that way. The strangest thing Grandma had told me on the subject was, “If you ever really need your Dad, he'll be there for you.”
Most people in my class knew the story, but Davey was the only one who felt the need to keep bringing it up. It was actually strange that we didn't get along. We were both outsiders in the class, he because of his nature, and me because I had always been a loner. I had always thought that I didn't need friends, but slowly even I realized that this was utopian and that I would not get anywhere like this. I began to cautiously make contact with other classmates. Not many, but enough to go to the swimming pool together or to meet in the afternoon in some café.
Mr. Jennings' question had been answered in the meantime, the lesson was over and I made my way home. Grandma was already waiting for me with dinner. “Well, my boy, how was school today?” I waved it off. “As usual, not terribly interesting, but not deadly boring either.” We sat down at the table. “Your mom called earlier. She needs to stay a little longer at the office today and probably won't be home until around nine.”
I shook my head. ”On a Friday? Well, if she says so...” Grandma shrugged. “I don't understand it either. Do you have any plans for tonight at least?” “No, not yet. I just want to go back into town to look for a CD.” “Okay, but you have to do your homework first. After all, you have exams in a few weeks.” I grinned. “Yes, Grandma, I promise.”
At half past three I had finished everything and set off for town... well, as far as you could seriously call the center of Scarborough that. The town had simply grown over time, and so what was the center in London or Edinburgh was spread out quite a bit. But luckily there were buses that took you everywhere.
I went to the CD store I always shopped at and then strolled through the streets for a bit. I was pretty lost in thought when I turned a corner and suddenly bumped into someone. “Oh... uh, sorry,” I stammered, until I finally saw who I had just run into. Two blue eyes glared at me angrily. “It was obvious you idiot couldn't pay attention.”
I grimaced into a sarcastic grin. “Yes, Davey, I'm glad to see you here, too. Especially since we haven't seen each other in so long, I've really missed you.” For a few seconds, his gaze became uncertain, but then he regained his composure. “Collins, don't waste my time and just go, okay?”
I shook my head. “No. This is the first time we've seen each other outside of school, and I finally want to know why you always act like the biggest asshole on earth. Neither of us has done anything to you, but you act like you're King Louis himself.” He looked at me contemptuously and then spat once, just missing me.
This little thing was enough, and all the anger I had been feeling towards him over time suddenly erupted. Until just now, I had been in an excellent mood, and now this weirdo came along and tried to ruin my day. Before he could even formulate a reply, I had grabbed him by the arm and pulled him so close to me that our noses almost touched.
“And that, my friend, you do just one more time, and then you can pick your teeth up off the street. Clear?” I said quietly and - at least I hoped - as threateningly as possible. It worked. Davey was almost three inches shorter than me and considerably more slender – if I had wanted to, I could have beaten him up anytime. But I didn't want to do that at all; I just wanted him to know that there was a limit to what I would take. And he obviously got that.
He tried to pull out of my grip, but couldn't. “Okay, Collins, what do you want?” I raised my eyebrows. “First of all, Nick is enough - after all, we've known each other for more than just a day. And secondly, I've already told you what I want.” He thought for a while, and finally, when I wasn't expecting it, he broke free with a lightning-fast movement.
“Do you always have to be so brutal?” he asked, almost cautiously, considering the tone he had previously adopted. ‘You've never seen me being brutal. And I'm not keen on showing you that.’ He was obviously thinking about what to do and couldn't quite make up his mind. Then he asked again: ”What do you want from me, Nick?” “Just to talk. Is that too much to ask?”
He looked at me disparagingly. “And what good would it do?” I shrugged. “I don't know. At worst, it was a waste of time. And at best, it will be a friendship for life,” I added grinning. “You don't believe that yourself, do you? Nobody wants me as a friend anyway,” he said doubtfully. ”We'll see about that. Now come on, let's go over to the bistro on the corner.”
Reluctantly, he came with me, and we looked for a quiet place. Davey was still skeptical. However, I now had a small problem: I had been able to persuade him to come, but I didn't know how to proceed. We stared at each other in silence for a while, our Cokes arrived, we discussed this round and three more glasses on all sorts of topics to find an opening for a conversation. It occurred to me that we had a lot in common, even if neither of us would have admitted it. Then I came back to our original topic.
“What was the meaning of the saying this morning at Jennings' lesson?” ‘Maybe I just wanted to provoke you?’ I raised my eyebrows. ‘You always try to provoke everyone, at every opportunity. Besides, you should have realized by now that you won't get very far with me that way.’ He smiled briefly, but immediately became serious again. “That's right – most of the time you don't even notice me.” ‘Well, I wonder why that is. You're always saying stupid things, we're just fed up with you.’ ‘I don't care about the others, Nick. But...’ He broke off the sentence and stared into his glass of cola.
“But what? Son, just tell me what's going on with you.” I would have liked to have grabbed him and shaken him. But a look in his eyes told me that I'd better not – he looked like he was about to jump up and storm out of the store at any moment. “Nick, I've never had anyone to talk to, and I don't know if you're the right person for it.” ‘Why not?’ ‘Give me one good reason why not.’ ”You give me one good reason why you shouldn't.”
He obviously couldn't think of one. “I hardly know you,” he said. “I don't know you either. Davey, we've been classmates for eleven and a half years, living only a few blocks apart. For the first ten years, we ignored each other and for the last year and a half, we only fought when we spoke to each other at all, which was almost a rarity.” Oh man, that look... I spontaneously added, “I don't know why... but I like you.”
He opened his eyes wide and stared at me. ‘Are... are you serious?’ he asked. I had watched him many times, but there was one thing I saw for the first time now: there was a glimmer of hope in his eyes. I nodded. ”Yes, I was completely serious.” I could literally see his pulse and blood pressure skyrocketing. Fine beads of sweat appeared on his forehead, and he was getting quite nervous, you could see that on his face.
He obviously had to force himself to continue speaking. “Nick... I... promise me, please, no matter what happens, keep everything we talk about to yourself, okay?” I took a deep breath and then held out my hand. “I promise.” He shook it and held it for a second or two longer than necessary. Somehow I had the feeling that he wanted to say something else, but he didn't.
We sat in silence at the table for a while, staring alternately at each other and at our now empty glasses. “Davey, what do you think about doing something together tomorrow? Maybe then we can talk more?” If you could call the whole thing a game, then I was now playing at risk. For the first time, I had got him to the point where we could talk normally. Who knew if it would still be like that the next day? But he just nodded. “Okay, what?” “Let's go swimming?” I suggested. “Good. When and where do we meet?” “I'll pick you up at your house at two o'clock.”
We paid for our drinks and then slowly made our way to the neighborhood where we both lived. On the way there, we met a boy of about fourteen on a bicycle, who I had also seen a few times in our neighborhood. “Davey, where have you been? Dad was worried about you.” Davey waved him off. “I was having a Coke with a classmate.” Nick, this is my brother Tom. Tom, this is Nick.” ‘Hi, Nick.’ ‘Hi, Tom.’ I hated being introduced to other people. Among adults, the phrase ‘pleased to meet you’ would probably have followed, but luckily it didn't.
Finally, we were standing in front of the entrance to our house. “Okay, see you tomorrow, Nick.” “See you tomorrow, Davey. And I hope it stays that way.” He just nodded and then walked the last few meters to his house. I watched him and Tom for a while and finally went in too.
Mom was sitting in the living room going over some papers. When I came in, she looked up. “Hello, my darling. Where have you been hanging around?” I put my key away, took off my jacket and then dropped into an armchair. “I was having a Coke with a classmate. Davey, I've already told you about him.” She looked at me in surprise. ‘Davey? From Williams Lane?’ I nodded. ‘Yes, exactly.’ ‘Aren't you always fighting?’ ”Hm... I have a sneaking suspicion that that's a thing of the past.”
She closed her books, took a martini and sat down next to me. “Come on, tell me.” I took a sip from her glass - which earned me a not-so-serious dirty look - and grinned. “Mom, when you're at home, leave the psychologist in the office, okay?” I told her what had happened in a few sentences. Finally she smiled. “And you're really sure you don't want to follow in my footsteps?” she asked. I nodded. “Yes, definitely. Please don't be angry with me, but I'm dog-tired and going to bed, okay?” She kissed me good night, and then I went up.
When I was in bed, I thought a little more. On the one hand, about the conversation with Davey... I had a slight suspicion about what he wanted to tell me, and I hoped that I was not wrong about my guess. On the other hand, I thought of my father, who was not much more than a name and a face to me. Since the encounter with Tom - and his hint “Dad is worried about you” - it haunted me again. When would I finally get to hear the sentence, “Dad was worried about you?” With this thought, I fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up relatively early... if you could call nine o'clock early. I usually used to sleep in on Saturdays, but today I didn't really feel like it. I took a shower, shaved, got dressed and went downstairs. Mum was already sitting at the breakfast table and looked up in surprise when I came in.
“Good morning, my darling. Did you fall out of bed?” I grinned. ‘No, but let me have a little bit of the day too.’ I sat down and poured myself a cup of coffee. The rolls were still warm. Mom put the newspaper aside and then looked at me questioningly. ”Or are you excited because you have your first date today?”
I almost choked on my coffee and only just managed to put the cup down in time. “Mum, it's not a date,” I tried to explain. But with my mother... no chance. She was a psychologist and worked a lot with teenagers, and I was pretty much the last person she could fool. “And if it were?” I asked quietly.
“Nick, do you seriously believe that I have never thought about this possibility?” she asked calmly. ‘I don't know, Mom.’ ‘If that's really the case, don't worry, at least not because of me. I've seen enough guys your age who had a lot of problems with their parents because their parents couldn't accept that their son was gay.’ Gay... she used the word like any other, and I had always given it a wide berth in my thoughts.
Before I could say anything, however, she continued: “Nick, a few years ago I had a case like that again, it happens more often than you think. In this case, I couldn't help him. The boy threw himself in front of a train because his parents made his life a living hell. That's when I swore to myself that I would never let it come to that.” I looked at her, quite speechless – I first had to process what I had just heard. ‘Did that really happen?’ I then asked in a whisper. She nodded silently.
“How old was this boy back then?” ‘Sixteen, the same age as you are now.’ I hardly dared to ask the next question. ‘And why couldn't you help him?’ She took a sip of coffee and then thought for a moment. ”We had already had a few sessions, and I actually felt that at that point he was ready to accept himself. His parents didn't know anything at that point, but he was terribly afraid of it because his father got upset again and again when the topic was mentioned on television or in the newspaper. Then came things like 'The gays all belong castrated' and so on. But this boy assumed that his father would see it differently if he knew that his own son was one of them.
He had written his parents a letter before our appointment and told them what was going on. We had barely started the session when his father came in and dragged him out of my office, swearing at him wildly and calling me names – what I had put into his son's head and so on. I only saw how he twice slapped the boy on the way to the car - I still remember the cries of pain to this day. I then called the police and sent them directly to his parents' house.
But it was too late: when his father parked the car in front of the house, he jumped out and ran away. I can only guess what happened next. The police arrived just as he was running away. They followed him in the patrol car and almost caught up with him at the level crossing behind Yorkshire Crescent just as the barriers came down. I guess he saw the train and decided that was his only way out. The police tried to get him off the crossing. The parents came running. He was hit by the train right in front of them.”
I stood up and hugged my mother. “Thanks for not being like that, Mom.” She hugged me tightly. “Nick, you're my only child and I would never let anything happen to you.” We just stood there for a moment before we finally broke away from each other. ‘Hey, if things work out with Davey, you're welcome to bring him around sometime.’ I smiled – I couldn't think of anything else to say.
But one question was bothering me. “How would my dad react if he found out about it? I don't even know if he has any other kids.” Mom lit a cigarette and then blew out the smoke slowly. “I think your dad would feel the same way about it as I do.” Silence. Finally, I asked, “Why don't you tell me more about him?” She sighed. “Okay. I'll tell you a little about him, but only on one condition: never ask me about him again, okay?”
“Do you hate him?” She shook her head. ‘No, on the contrary. I think I'm still a little in love with him.’ ‘I'll never ask you about him again if you promise me something too,’ I suggested. ”And what?” “When I turn eighteen at the latest, I want to try to find him. At least tell me his name then and if you also have his last address, okay? And please don't forbid me to do so.”
She nodded slowly. “Agreed.” She got up, went into the study and came back a few minutes later with a pad and an envelope. Then she pushed the newspaper across to me. “So, you can take a look at the sports section, I have to make a quick note. And don't peek.” The tone of voice allowed no contradiction, so I leafed through the newspaper. There was nothing particularly interesting in it.
Finally, Mom was finished. She folded the sheet and put it in the envelope, which she then sealed. “So, I wrote down his name and address for you. I'll keep this envelope and give it to you on your 18th birthday. Okay?” I nodded. “Okay.”
She poured more coffee and then began to tell her story. “Your dad and I met in 1964 at the high school in Los Angeles. We were together for a few years, it was a wonderful time. But then the chemistry was no longer right, and we decided to separate. It was definitely also because we had both started college. I met Jörg, who was also studying in L.A., and in our youthful recklessness we decided to get married in the summer of love. We went back to his hometown, Hamburg. The marriage didn't last too long, and we divorced in 1972.
I stayed in Hamburg for a while longer and was out with a couple of colleagues one evening when I suddenly ran into your dad in a bar. We both couldn't believe our eyes. He was already married at the time and had a son. However, the atmosphere at home between him and his wife was so bad that he had moved out for the time being. Well, as the feelings and the spirit of the wine would have it, our old love flared up again. We spent a few days together and finally gave our feelings free rein. It was only the next day that we both realized what had happened.
Then your dad got a call from his wife – she was pregnant again. It was a real blow to him, because he didn't know how he would manage. I encouraged him to go back to his wife, because I didn't yet know that I was already carrying you inside me.” “Did you tell him later?” I asked. At that moment, I was terrified that he had no idea I existed. Mom nodded. ”Yes, he knows about you. I wanted you to be born here in England back then. Nick, you are my planned child and your father is the man who should always be the father of my child.”
“How did he react?” ”He wanted to meet you, and you did see each other once, but you were still quite small. The fact that you have no contact was simply because of me – I didn't want to destroy his family. I know Catherine, we were in the same class in high school. I think they're still happy together. And your dad has always supported me when I needed it. When I didn't have a job, he was the one who kept us both afloat.”
“And why are you no longer in contact?” I didn't understand my mother. Apparently, my father was exactly the man I had always imagined. ”I think it was just my wounded pride. I had the opportunity to set up my practice here, and that made me independent of him in every way. I just didn't want to be dependent on him. And I didn't want you to be dependent on him either.”
If she had asked me if I could understand that, I would have had to honestly answer “No.” Fortunately, she didn't ask me that question, and I decided not to press the matter further. “When do you want to meet?” Mom asked me after a while. “Around two, I'll pick him up.” “Okay. I have to go back to the office in a bit, there's been a lot of work to do in the last few days. But Grandma should be here soon, too.”
Ever since I could remember, Grandma had helped us wherever she could. She was 73, but still pretty spry, and she just had the shop under control. I usually liked spending time with her, but right now I needed a little quiet to think about everything Mom had told me... I had thought about the possibility that I might be gay a few times, but I had always dismissed the thought pretty quickly. As I lay on my bed, I tried hard to think of the pros and cons – I guess when your mom's a psychologist, you automatically start analyzing everything over time.
Boys. Girls. Boys. There were more boys than girls in our class, but I couldn't remember ever flirting with anyone, or even thinking about it. The thought just seemed absurd to me... and so far I had always been able to blame it on the fact that I didn't want contact with the others anyway. But when I really thought about it... I looked around my room. Lots of posters on the walls... Ewan McGregor in “Trainspotting”, Jason James Richter in “Free Willy” - I still remembered all too well how I had cried my eyes out at the movie -, Elijah Wood in “Flipper”, some posters of the Backstreet Boys and Hanson... but no girls or women among them.
And then Davey. What had I said to him yesterday? “I like you.” That was pretty much it... for some time now I had felt a slight, warm tingling in my stomach when I thought of him. Sometimes I saw him standing in the schoolyard, far away from everyone else, looking into the distance. A few times I had felt the urge to go to him and take him in my arms, but usually something had happened shortly afterwards that had destroyed that impulse. And now I was glad that we had stumbled across each other so unexpectedly yesterday afternoon.
I fell asleep on this thought until Grandma finally called me from downstairs: “Nick, don't you have a two o'clock appointment?” I jumped up - it was twenty to two. I hastily packed my swimming things and, after saying goodbye to Grandma, set off for Davey's. He was already standing on the corner waiting for me. When he saw me, he smiled shyly. “Hello, Nick.”
It was the first time I had seen that smile and not a grimace or mask. That smile stuck with me. Again, there was an impulse to hug him, but I pulled myself together. Davey got on his bike and we rode to the swimming pool together.
The parking lot was surprisingly empty. “Hm, is it closed today? There's usually more traffic here on weekends.” I nodded and looked around. There was a poster on the front door with information about the town festival. Of course, that was taking place this weekend, which was why there was no one here. Since I had never been interested in such events, I hadn't even noticed it.
We paid, changed, and met up again a few minutes later in the shower. I caught myself looking at Davey from top to bottom a few times when I thought I was unobserved. He was actually quite well built, a bit skinny, but he had nothing to be ashamed of. I slowly let my gaze wander from top to bottom and back over his body, and when I came back to his face, I looked him straight in the eye. I felt myself blushing. Neither of us said anything, instead we went into the water in silence and did a few laps.
The pool was pretty empty, too. The lifeguard was lying in a deck chair, looking around every now and then to see if everything was all right, but he didn't pay us any special attention. We had a little swimming and diving contest, and after a while we had completely forgotten what had happened in the shower. I enjoyed the sight of Davey's body gliding through the water. I felt as if the conversation I'd had with my mother that morning had opened up new doors for me.
“Once across the pool, without taking a breath, always underwater?” Davey suggested when he'd arrived next to me again. I nodded. ”Okay, go.” We both took a deep breath and dived in. As on the previous occasions, I was a good two seconds faster than Davey, but when I arrived at the bottom, he didn't surface behind me. I looked around, searching – which wasn't that easy, because my eyes were burning from the chlorinated water – and suddenly felt a hand on my back. Before I knew it, I felt someone taking off my swimming trunks. A few seconds later, Davey emerged from behind me – at a certain distance. He grinned. “Missing anything?”
I grinned back. ‘Yes, for now.’ Without waiting for an answer, I dove in, and since I had been standing right at the edge of the pool, I was able to push off. But Davey had expected that – when I resurfaced, he had already moved well away. He was still grinning. “I'll give them back to you, but only for a ransom.” Why not? ‘Okay, I'll buy you a coke. Deal?’ ‘Okay. Catch!’ The next moment I had my swimming trunks in my face, but the throw wasn't meant maliciously or anything. Davey doubled over with laughter when he saw my face.
I put my swimming trunks back on. “Come on, let's get going. Who knows how long the shops will be open today.” He nodded and then swam past me in a wide arc, obviously afraid that I would retaliate for his little attack. I didn't, and I think that was a good thing.
Just as we went to shower, Davey realized that he had lost the key to his locker. “I'll be right back,” he called to me. “Do you want me to help you look?” “No, I think I know where it is.” Sure enough, just as I finished showering, he came back in holding the missing object like a trophy. “Okay, see you in a minute,” I grinned and disappeared in the direction of the cubicles.
Slowly it became more crowded - I thought I remembered seeing something about senior swimming in the entrance hall. Well, I didn't want to change in front of all those other gentlemen, so I grabbed the last free cubicle. Just as I had finished drying myself, I heard Davey's voice. “Nick, are you around here?” I opened the cabin door and waved my swimming trunks. He pushed past two other bathers and then came into the cabin with me. “Phew, it's a bit quieter in here.”
He took off his swimming trunks and began to dry himself off without paying any further attention to me. I just stared at him for a few seconds, then turned around and started to get dressed. When I looked over at him out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw a smirk on his face, but he didn't say anything. I wondered for a while whether I should say something, but in the end I got dressed in silence. When we were outside, a rather cold wind blew towards us. “Do you mind if we have the coke at my place?” He shook his head. “No, not at all.”
To my surprise, Mom was home when we arrived. I introduced the two to each other – the usual banter when you bring a school friend home. Mom didn't let on about our conversation; she gave Davey a warm welcome, then handed me a bottle of coke and two glasses and sent us upstairs. Davey looked around my room while he took off his jacket. “You seem to have a thing for boys, don't you?” I filled our glasses to the brim, hoping he wouldn't notice how much my hand was shaking.
“You'll laugh, but I asked myself the same question this morning. I think so, yes.” I handed him his glass and was about to take a sip from mine when he stopped me. ‘Stop! You know what it means when you don't toast and look each other in the eye?’ I shook my head. ‘No, enlighten me?’ He grinned even wider. ‘Seven years of bad sex.’ ”Well then... here's to it going well.” We clinked our glasses, looked each other in the eye – a second longer than necessary – and then both emptied our glasses in one gulp.
Davey put his glass on the desk and then flopped down on my bed. “Man, I'm exhausted.” I grinned. “Sure, the way you stormed out, no wonder.” At that moment there was a knock at the door. “Come in!” Mum, who else. ‘Boys, I just wanted to let you know that I'm going to the office again. Grandma has her bridge evening today, so watch the house, okay?’ I nodded. ‘We will. And don't work too hard.’ She waved her hand. ‘No more than usual, I promise.’ No further questions.
Davey grinned as Mom disappeared. “A night on the town, so to speak?” I nodded. “Yes, it seems that way.” “Well, it doesn't have to be a party.” “No, I think Mom would take offense to that too.” I hesitated for a moment and then lay down on the bed next to Davey. “By the way, you really wore me out earlier, too,” I said. “Oh come on, you're way better trained than me, so it shouldn't have been a problem for you to catch up with me. Or did you not mean the little chase in the water?” His look said it all... everything and nothing.
I started to sweat. Somehow, I had absolutely no idea what to do. So I changed the subject to a completely different topic. “Davey, let's go back to our conversation from yesterday. Can we just treat each other normally in the future, even at school?” He took a few deep breaths before starting to speak slowly and with carefully chosen words.
“Nick... maybe you remember that I told you yesterday that I might confide in you. I think now is the right time for that, and then your question about why I was perhaps even more dismissive towards you than I was towards the others will also be answered. Just promise me one thing: whether you agree with the answer or not, don't tell anyone, okay?” I nodded. “Okay, I promise.” “Do you really want an answer? You can still back out.” ... and if not, something would change between us in a moment. He didn't say it, but I sensed it. The words hung between us unspoken. “Yes, I want an answer.”
Until this moment, Davey had been calm, but now he was slowly getting nervous, I could clearly see that. His face grew paler, and his hands trembled a little. He took a breath as if he wanted to say something, but then remained silent. I gave him time. I had an idea of what would happen next, and if I was right about it, then we both had to be absolutely sure of what we wanted.
Seconds passed. The seconds turned into minutes. Finally, Davey turned to me. “Please forgive me if it was the wrong answer,” he whispered. Then he leaned over to me... and kissed me gently on the lips. For a second my heart stopped, then I relaxed completely. From that moment on, I knew it was right. I put my arm around his shoulder and returned the kiss just as gently.
I don't know how long this kiss lasted - it seemed endless. Finally, we broke away from each other, Davey sat down and turned away from me. His shoulders trembled, and he said softly, “Nick, I love you.” Then he burst into tears. I let him have a moment - but that was also because I myself was unsure of how to act now.
Then I stood up, knelt down in front of him, took his hand and looked him in the eye. He tried to free his hand, but I held it tight. “And that's why we fought for so long...” I said softly. He looked at me with wet eyes. “What should I have done?” He then asked sniffily. “I don't know, but maybe in the end it was all for the best the way it went.” I stood up and pulled him up with me. We looked into each other's eyes. Then, without saying a word, I took him in my arms. I felt him let go...
In the following weeks, noticeable changes took place in both of us. This was especially noticeable in Davey – on the one hand, he became calmer, but on the other hand, he visibly came to life. He had never been a bad student, but he had usually ruined his oral grades with his inappropriate comments. At first, our teachers were hesitant to call on him when he raised his hand, but the rumor obviously spread quickly.
Our classmates also initially received the “new” Davey with mixed feelings. Many didn't believe that this change would last. I managed to persuade some people to at least give him a chance. I told them about our first conversation, that you could talk to him if you wanted to. But at that point, no one at school knew that we were more than just friends. What do you mean, no one at school? No one except Mom, who of course had realized pretty quickly what was going on.
She took Davey in with us as if he were not my boyfriend but my brother – he spent a lot of time with us, and the two got along famously right from the start. I was almost bubbling over with happiness. We studied together for our exams, went to the movies, to the swimming pool, did a lot with our other classmates, who finally managed to accept Davey and me into their circle, in short: we spent almost every free minute together.
And very slowly we also became closer physically. During the first few weeks, we had deliberately kept to hugging and kissing, but neither of us had moved on. One evening we were lying together in my bed watching “Beautiful Thing,” the first English coming-out movie for teenagers that was finally shown on television after a lot of back and forth.
That, too, is one of those moments I will never forget. The movie was over, the TV was off, and we were lying in the dark. “Nick?” “Yeah?” “Have you ever experienced a back massage like that?” He was alluding to a scene from the movie – anyone who's seen it knows which one I mean. “No, not yet.” We were silent. Finally, he suggested, “What do you think about trying that?” “Why not?” Instead of another answer, he gently took me by the shoulder, turned me onto my stomach and pushed up my T-shirt.
His hands glided over my back, were everywhere at once, touching every spot – until that moment I hadn't realized that the back could be so sensitive. Finally, I turned around, took off his T-shirt as well and embraced him. It was the first time we had such immediate skin contact. His skin was warm, soft, only his nipples were a bit rougher than the rest. We stayed like that and eventually fell asleep.
The smell of fresh rolls woke us the next morning. We came downstairs to find Mom and Grandma already sitting at the breakfast table. Mom smiled. “Next time you might want to add a blanket, otherwise I'll soon have two sick boys lying here.” We both blushed slightly, and Grandma laughed. “Come on, Sarah, I don't think you paid attention to it earlier - don't forget that you were young once, too.” Mom raised an eyebrow, thought about it for a moment, and then lowered it again. ‘Okay, you're right.”
After breakfast, we went over to Davey's house. I was also always welcome at Davey's parents’ house, but they didn't know about our relationship yet. That's why we usually slept at my place when we were together - we wanted to avoid unpleasant surprises. “Hi guys, so you're stopping by again?” “Sure thing, Jane, we wanted to see if you could still manage without us.” Davey's parents had both offered me the informal “you” after a few days, and it had stuck ever since.
“Davey, why don't you stop by and see Tom? He wanted to know something about his chemistry project.” Davey and Tom were both passionate tinkerers when it came to chemistry – I, on the other hand, didn't know the first thing about it; my area was more electronics. ‘I'll see what the kid has concocted again.’ ”Nick, you're welcome to stay at my place for a cup of coffee.” Jane offered. I nodded. “Always.”
Davey went to Tom - as I said, there was nothing I could do here anyway and I didn't understand anything - and Jane and I sat down at the kitchen table. ‘Nick, since you two have been friends, Davey has changed - what have you done to him that we wouldn't have tried?’ she asked. Her tone was half fun, half serious. I tried to imagine her situation... she and Paul had tried everything for years, and now I suddenly came along and everything changed. It must have been a strange feeling - I had benefited from Davey at least as much as he had from me, if you could call it that.
I swallowed. “What can I say to you now, Jane? What do you want to hear?” She shrugged. “I don't know for the life of me.” Before we could continue the conversation, the door opened and Paul yawned as he entered. ‘Good morning, everyone.’ Paul worked at Scotland Yard and had been stationed at the port of Kingston-upon-Hull for a few weeks. In addition to his rather demanding job, this also meant an hour's drive for him each way.
Jane got up and greeted her husband. “You look tired, what happened?” Paul sat down, glanced at my coffee cup, which hadn't been touched yet, and then asked, ‘May I?’ I grinned and pushed the cup over to him. ‘Sure.’ He emptied it in one gulp – luckily the coffee had already cooled down. Jane put a fresh cup in front of me and then poured some more.
At that moment, Davey and Tom came into the kitchen. “Good morning, Dad.” “Good morning, boys.” When everyone was back in their seats, Jane asked again, “What happened?” Paul shook his head. “If I tell you, you won't believe me anyway. But I'll do it anyway. Just, you know: don't say a word to anyone. This time it's especially important.” We all nodded.
“This morning at seven, the ferry from Rotterdam arrived at the harbor. At passport control, I ran into a lawyer from Hamburg who has been in England quite a bit lately, and you know that we then routinely carry out a little more thorough checks. This time he was accompanied by a boy - a little younger than you two, boys.” He paused to take a sip of coffee and then continued.
“This boy was definitely not his son, and after I looked at the German wanted lists, I noticed that the boy had been reported missing. I tried to ask this lawyer some questions, but he just told me to please call a phone number in London, where everything would be sorted out. Well, I did just that.” ‘And who was it?’ Tom asked excitedly. Paul mentioned the name of a fairly senior government official, who was directly under the Prime Minister.
“What happened next?” I asked. ‘I still wanted to know what exactly had happened, and Westermann told me everything.’ That was the first time I came across the name ‘Westermann’; at that time I had no idea that I would meet him in person one day. ”This boy was regularly abused by his parents, and the last time it went so far that he had a skull fracture. After he had recovered from that, he ran away from home and ran straight into Westermann's arms. After it became clear that the parents didn't care what happened to the boy anyway, but the German authorities didn't react, he took matters into his own hands and found foster parents for the boy in Edinburgh. And that's probably where he's going to deliver him right now.”
We all couldn't understand what was going on. Davey could only think of one question: “Why did these parents mistreat the boy?” Paul snorted. “Because the boy was gay.” Davey and I looked at each other and both turned white as a sheet. Jane noticed it, but said nothing. Paul grumbled to himself. “Oh man, parents like that belong in jail.” Davey swallowed. “Dad, you don't have a particularly high opinion of gays either.” Paul looked at him over the edge of his glasses. “Davey, the fact that I have a problem with gay men is one thing – each to their own, it's not my thing, anyway. But whether gay or not, there's no reason to beat a child to a pulp!”
I saw pure anger in Paul's eyes - as always when he had to do with crimes where children were the victims. However, Davey was thinking in a completely different direction. “Then I have nothing to fear,” was his only comment. Paul's coffee cup fell out of his hand, luckily it was empty and landed on the table. “Why don't you have anything to fear? Davey, neither Mum nor I have ever hit you, you know that!“ Davey nodded, but Jane spoke up.
“Paul, I think the boys...” - she emphasized the word - “...want to tell us something else.” Paul thought for a moment, swallowed and then asked, “You two... you and Nick... you're... a couple?” We nodded. “Phew.” Paul leaned back. There was silence for minutes, then he finally got up and left the room. Tom also stood up. “I'd better leave you alone,” he said and left the room as well.
Jane played with the coffee cup and waited before saying anything. “Mom, how will Dad deal with this?” Davey finally asked her. “I don't know. I'll talk to him in a bit, but I think he needs time first. Davey, there's a difference between being on the sidelines and suddenly being confronted with it yourself. It never occurred to us that you... well, that you might fall in love with a boy.”
As if on cue, we both moved together, I put my arm around Davey's shoulders - he should just feel that I was with him. “But you're happy, aren't you?” Jane finally asked. We nodded. “Yes, absolutely.” She smiled. “That's the most important thing. Guys, I'll have to get used to it too at first... it's not easy for any of us. But we know Nick quite well by now, too. I think we'll get used to it. But give us some time, okay?” We nodded. ‘And if you want to know something, just ask us,’ I added.
We decided to talk to Tom. He was in his room calculating some formula. “Can we come in?” Davey asked. Tom nodded. “Sure.” Davey sat down on the bed with Tom, I stayed in the doorway. We were all silent for a while, then Davey asked, “So?” Tom looked at him uncertainly. “So what?” Davey smiled cautiously. “And what do you say?” Tom shrugged. ‘This is the first time I've been with gays... I hope you're not angry with me about it?’ Davey shook his head. ‘Of course not. Hey, and the same goes for you: if you want to know anything, you can ask us both anytime, okay?’ Tom nodded.
“Does anyone else know?” he then asked. Davey shook his head. ‘No, just Mum and Dad and Nick's mum and Grandma.’ Tom nodded. ‘Okay.’ He hesitated for a moment, then hugged Davey. ‘Hey, but you'll still be there for me if I need you, right?’ ”Of course, after all you're my little brother.” Tom smiled – and I noticed once again how similar the two looked.
A few days later, Davey and I were walking around town together. We had looked around a bit and went to an internet café to see if there was a gay bookstore here in Scarborough. Sure enough, we were lucky, the place was just outside of the center on a side street. To be honest, we had to gather all our courage when we went in, but we finally made it.
The shop was totally cozy on the inside, with meter-high bookshelves and a few magazine displays. We looked around a bit and were finally approached by someone. “Hi guys, can I help you?” Davey nodded. “Yes... we're looking for a book for my parents.” The guy grinned at us. “Ah... freshly outed and now you want to break the news to your parents as gently as possible?” Davey shook his head. “No, they already know, but my dad's having a bit of a problem with it.”
“Ah, all right. Then come with me... wasn't this... yes, here it is. The book is great, it's brand new and selling like crazy.” A classic parenting guide. Davey flicked through the book briefly. “Great, this is exactly what I'm looking for. Do you have any more of these?” “Of course.” The salesman pointed to a shelf around the corner. “Three rows full, just take a look.”
We thanked him and went to the shelf. Davey looked at a few more books, and somehow he managed to make two books fall out at the end of the shelf. I went over to pick them up, but as I bent down, I saw another hand that was faster. I looked up and was almost struck by lightning...
“Hi Nick, hi Davey. Well, that explains a lot, of course.” Davey dropped the books he had picked out in shock. ‘Mr. Stebbins!’ Our English teacher until last year. He grinned affably. ‘Correctly identified. Well, what are you two doing here?’ ‘We... uh... we wanted...’ I stuttered, and Davey had the saving idea. “We're writing a report for Mr. Jennings.” That was our social studies teacher – admittedly, it wasn't a bad idea.
Mr. Stebbins grinned even wider. ‘I see. But what does this place have to do with the political situation in Germany after the Second World War?’ Not a good idea after all – of course he knew the curriculum. “Hey, you don't have to hide - there are more gays in this city.” Davey, who had just collected his books, dropped them again. ‘You too?’ Stebbins nodded. ”Yes, otherwise I would hardly be here. But what do you think about discussing this in peace? We'll invite you for a Coke.”
“Who's 'we'?” I asked. ‘My friend and I.’ Behind him, a guy emerged who was about his age - in his late twenties. He smiled at us warmly. ‘Hello.’ Stebbins introduced us. ‘Jack, this is Nick and Davey, the two were in my English class last year. Guys, this is Jack, my boyfriend.’ We shook hands... Davey and I could hardly hide our surprise.
We went to the checkout and paid for our books - Davey had chosen three for his parents, spending almost all his pocket money - and then the four of us left the store. The cashier had also given him a pin, a rainbow flag - the international symbol of the gay movement, which Mr. Stebbins explained to us later. Davey immediately pinned it on his jacket – he only wore it when we were out together anyway.
“There's a nice café around the corner with a predominantly gay crowd. Do you fancy going there or would you prefer neutral ground?” Since neither of us had ever been to a gay café before, we gladly accepted the suggestion, and a few minutes later we were sitting together around a table in ‘Gaylight’. “I assume you both know that you are the talk of the town?” Mr. Stebbins asked. I shook my head. ‘No, why?”
“Because, for example, it has become much quieter in your class. I assume you two have been together for about three months?’ We nodded. He smiled. “Then Mr. Jennings was right after all.” Davey turned pale. “Someone at school knows about this?” “Don't worry, Jennings knows about Jack and me and he asked me once if I could imagine it with the two of you.”
“And, could you?” I asked. He grinned. ‘To be honest, no - I had seen you together in class a few times and I was surprised that you managed to be in the same room for two hours without attacking each other.’ Davey grinned, back to his old self. “Oh, if we go at each other, it's not because we're fighting.” Jack, who hadn't said anything until then and was about to take a sip of Coke, was just able to control himself. ‘John, now listen to the two of them - still wet behind the ears but as cheeky as can be.’ Stebbins laughed. ”That's the youth of today.”
Then he held out his hand. “Exams are coming up soon anyway, and we don't have much to do with each other in class anymore – my name is John.” So we were on a first-name basis from now on. ‘But that doesn't apply to school, does it?’ Davey asked. John shrugged. ”I'll leave that up to you. Like I said, I don't teach you anymore and I'm not involved in the exams for your year, so I wouldn't have a problem with that. But some colleagues might.“ Then he added, ‘But at the latest at the prom, when others are around, that will apply too.’ The prom... that was still almost six weeks away. In three weeks there were the written exams, two weeks later the oral ones, and then there was a day of celebration.
“Do any of them... sorry, any of you... anyone else know?” I asked. He shook his head. “Some colleagues, with whom I also have private contact, but that was mainly because Dr. Fry asked about it at some point when a student came to him with it.” Dr. Fry was our liaison teacher. “Since then, he always sends the boys straight to me,” he added with a grin. Davey shifted a little on his chair. “Are there any more gays in our year?” he asked. John nodded. ‘Yes, two - by the way, they've been together for a year and a half. But now don't expect me to give you names, that's classified information.’ We nodded - sure, we didn't want that either way. ”But: the two of them want to officially show up together at the prom, then you'll know.”
Davey and I looked at each other questioningly – we were both thinking of two things at once. On the one hand, we wondered who the two could be, and on the other hand, we toyed with the idea of showing up there as a couple as well. This idea seemed appealing to us because we didn't really expect anyone in our class to have a problem with it. We had talked about gays in social studies class once, and there had hardly been any stupid comments, even in retrospect. We sat with John and Jack for another hour before we finally left. This day had been quite eventful for us, because we hadn't expected that with the best will in the world...
Another six weeks had passed, we had passed our exams and had our diplomas in our pockets. We had both passed with an average of under 2 and were proud of ourselves - Davey had studied quite a lot for the exams, and our teachers were really impressed. Now we were standing in my room, choosing outfits for tonight. Parents were also invited to the prom, and both Mum and the Williams wanted to come along. Tom wanted to spend the night at a friend's.
Mum had met Jane and Paul a few weeks ago, and the three of them got along very well – which of course made Davey and me all the happier. Mum and Jane had gone shopping with us two days ago and had bought us new outfits for the prom. Davey was wearing light pleated trousers, a blue shirt, a red blazer and matching black patent leather shoes... “In case you want to dance,” Jane had added with a smile. I had opted for a cream-colored suit, a black shirt and a blue silk tie. Our mothers were thrilled.
Now the parents were sitting downstairs in the kitchen while we were struggling with our ties upstairs. At some point there was a knock on the door and Paul grinned at us. “Hey guys, need help with the cultural knit?” Davey nodded. “Can you tie a tie?” Paul nodded. “Hey, I'm a cop and this tie is part of my uniform.” Paul and Jane had been very happy about the books and then sat down with us again one evening, and since then Paul had been back to his old self and was happy for us. I was almost only spoken of as “the future son-in-law”.
“Which knot do you want - simple, American or Windsor?” Davey grinned. ‘Dad, we just want to wear the ties. As far as I'm concerned, put in a sailor's knot, as long as the thing fits.’ He glanced at Davey's tie. ”Yours is thin, so a double Windsor will do. Wait.” With a few simple moves, he had tied the tie, and it was perfectly positioned. He turned to me. “Hm... Silk. Nice thing, but unfortunately the fabric is quite thick. Okay, let's use the American knot.” Here, too, he only needed a few simple moves, and before Davey and I had even finished gawking, the ties were perfectly positioned.
Paul grinned. “Well, okay, then show yourselves to your mothers, they're bound to be curious.” So far, we had only tried on the individual parts, but no one had ever seen us in full gear. Before we left the room, Paul said, “Two more things: first, be careful with the shoes – you're not used to the smooth soles. If you're not careful, you'll be on your back faster than you realize.” Davey had already learned this lesson while shopping – he had once laid down lengthwise on the parquet floor of the store.
“And secondly: when you enter the room, always wear the top two buttons of your jacket closed and only unbutton them when you sit down. This is especially true when you are introduced to someone.” Mum and Jane had also listed a series of 'manners' that simply went with this outfit - in their opinion. Davey groaned. “And we're supposed to remember all that?” Paul patted him on the shoulder. “You'll be fine.”
When we were in the kitchen, enthusiasm spread. “Wow! Boys, some girls will regret tonight that you're taken,” Jane laughed. I shrugged. “Well, maybe there's a dance in it for consolation.” “Uh... wait a minute,” Davey interrupted. “Mum, Sarah - which of us has to ask the other to dance?” he asked. That was the question to which no one had an answer. We finally agreed that we would decide on the spur of the moment.
Two hours later, the time had finally come. We got out of the cars - we both rode in Mum's Toyota - and entered the hall. There weren't many people there yet, but our teachers had told us that from the outset. Most people arrived at least an hour late. We were greeted at the door by our headmaster and the class teachers of the graduating classes. “Good evening, everyone. Please come in, tonight is a night to celebrate.” Our headmaster was on particularly easy-going form tonight.
The parents had a brief chat with the teachers, while I saw John waving at us from a corner. Davey and I went over. “Hello John.” “Hello boys. Congratulations on passing your A-levels.” He gave each of us a quick hug. Davey grinned. “Thanks. Where's Jack?” “He still has work to do, he'll be here later. I'll let you know then. Oh yes, I have a little surprise for you. You won't expect it and you don't have to join in, but maybe it will make some things easier for you.”
We were curious... but at first we were kept in suspense. Bit by bit, a whole bunch of classmates arrived, many with boyfriends or girlfriends. Some of our classmates grinned when they saw us together, but we had no idea at the time. And to our regret, we couldn't make out the couple John had spoken of when we first met. Meanwhile, we both held back; only when we sat at the table did Davey take my hand inconspicuously. The lights were dimmed, and finally our headmaster stood on the stage. He had prepared a short speech.
“Dear students and parents. Today is the day - you have all passed your exams, and I hope that we have all done our best to prepare you well for life. This year there were some ups and downs, but much could be turned around for the better through the cooperation of the community. You may think that I say this every year, but I assure you that is not the case. You were without question one of the best classes that we have been able to release in recent years, and I do not just mean that in terms of your final grades. Mr. Stebbins would now like to address a few words to you.
The obligatory applause broke out, and I think, in retrospect, our headmaster had won a few friends with this speech after all. When things quietened down again, John began his speech. “So, guys, I'll skip the formalities; we've managed just fine without the ‘you’ for the last six years. Some of you now know what's coming, because we had to let you in on it in advance, just to see what the general mood is on certain topics. The four of you who are really affected don't know about your luck yet – well, actually, you kind of do – and I hope the others have kept their mouths shut.”
The crowd's laughter was the answer – they were just in a good mood. “You remember that we had a few people in our year who didn't get along very well, and it just so happens that some of them changed for the same reason. That they hadn't told you about it had nothing to do with mistrust of you, but was a pure precaution - and I can say from my own experience that they were also very afraid. But now that we are pretty sure that this fear is unfounded, I think it is time that they let you share in their newfound happiness.”
Both Davey and I had a queasy feeling in the pit of our stomachs. He didn't mean us, did he? But it was quite obvious that he did. From the left, Jeff, our class representative, tapped me on the shoulder. “Well, I guess Chris and I were right with our guess,” he said. I turned around and saw that Chris had put his arm around Jeff's shoulders. My jaw dropped. “You two too?” They both nodded. “Yes, sure.”
John continued. ”I think these four will be quite nervous, although it only seems to be the case for two of them, if I look around here. If you want, you can come on stage now, in whatever combination, then you might save yourself a lot of questions later.” After a few seconds, Jeff and Chris got up and walked towards the stage. Applause broke out, whistles sounded throughout the hall. Davey and I looked at each other, and without saying a word, we got up too.
Thirty seconds later, blinded by the spotlight, we were standing on stage next to John. The applause still rang in our ears, and I had to hold on to Davey because my knees suddenly went weak. I glanced at the parents' corner - it was much quieter there, but Mum, Paul and Jane smiled encouragingly at us. To my amazement, I noticed that some banknotes were changing hands among the students in the audience. John grinned; he had seen it too, of course. “Am I right in saying that there were some bets here?” The laughter was answer enough – not malicious, but simply enthusiastic.
Lucy, our class representative, also entered the stage and John handed her the mic. “The bets were right, and I have to admit to my shame that I lost. Too bad, guys, it was probably wishful thinking - but you're all four pretty cute guys.” Lucy smiled, but I thought I saw a hint of regret in her eyes. She had been quite clearly eyeing Chris for a while, and now he hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. Finally he said, “You know that all handsome men are either gay or married.”
Jeff protested. ”And when are you going to give me a hug?” Lucy nodded. “Go ahead, I've gotten used to the idea.” She obviously knew about it for a while. Instead of saying anything, Jeff and Chris shared a passionate kiss. Davey looked at me. “Well, kid, I guess we have to do it too.” Before I had a chance to resist, Davey took me in his arms and kissed me. I felt hot and cold at the same time... It wasn't our first kiss, but it was definitely one of the most beautiful.
The previous applause was now only surpassed by the fact that all the students had stood up. I was overjoyed – Davey in my arms, our people knew, the whole day, I was just blown away. While we were still standing arm in arm, John took the mic again. “So, folks, it's time to party. The first dance is dedicated to our four guys here, but the rest of you can finally show what you've got too.” The first notes of ‘Nights in White Satin’ by The Moody Blues sounded from the background, and the first couples quickly formed on the dance floor. Davey and I also went downstairs and started our first dance.
In between, people kept patting us on the shoulder, congratulating us and wishing us all the best. Lucy came by at some point, too. “And we were wondering why you two were suddenly getting along so well.” Davey smiled. “Well, where love falls.” All in all, the evening had been wonderful so far, but the best was yet to come for both of us.
We were both still completely wound up when we got home around four in the morning. We had drunk a few glasses of sparkling wine, which, when mixed with coke, is a pretty invigorating concoction. It had been clear for a few days that Davey would spend the night at my place that evening. When we came into my room, he turned to me and took me in his arms. “Hey, it couldn't have gone better, could it?” I shook my head. “No, absolutely not.” We stood there together for a while, snuggled up close, and suddenly I felt him gently stroking my pants. Of course, the first reaction was immediate.
“Nick... we've been together for five months now... and I finally want you completely.” he whispered in my ear. ‘The feeling is mutual.’ I whispered back, while I slowly unbuttoned his shirt - sometimes these things were practical, you just had to take the time. We took off our shoes like that, our ties were quickly gone too, and finally we were standing opposite each other in our shorts. Davey looked at me from top to bottom and then said with a smile, “Oh man, and such a cute guy is all mine.”
He pulled me slowly onto the bed and took off my shorts, and I did the same for him – we both had to be quite careful because the rubber bands weren't endlessly stretchy, as we found out. Finally, we were lying naked on my bed; it was the first time that I touched his completely unclothed body... it turned out to be the best night of my life.
The next morning we got up around eleven. I had a headache because I wasn't used to the alcohol. Davey wasn't either, but he had drunk a little less than I had and was in top form. I decided to lie down for another hour, and Davey wanted to run a few errands with my mom. When I looked at my watch again, two hours had passed. I had taken a headache pill and slept a little more, and now I felt really good again, especially when I thought back to the night before. And I was already looking forward to many more nights like this.
As I looked out of the upstairs window, Mom's Toyota turned the corner. Davey saw me and waved. I went downstairs to greet them. Just as I was about to open the front door, I heard the screech of brakes, a crash, and the screech of tearing metal... from that moment on, everything happened in slow motion. I feared the worst, and when I had opened the door, I saw that I had been right...
The remains of Mum's car were half buried under a truck that was in the wrong lane. The front of the car was completely smashed. One of the front wheels was sitting on what had been the engine... there was almost nothing left of the driver's side... I ran across the street towards the car. Some neighbors came running, and one of them tried to hold me back. “Nick, stay away from the car – please don't look.” I broke free and rushed to the passenger side.
I found Davey covered in blood, squeezed in metal and glass splinters. I tried to pull him out of the car, but there was just too much in between. For a few moments – I don't know, it could have been seconds, minutes or hours – a policeman took me by the arm and pulled me away from the car. He handed me over to a paramedic, and I vaguely remember getting some kind of injection...
The fire department took apart the car, and as soon as Davey was lying on the stretcher, I was back with him. He looked terrible... the glass had cut his face, hands and upper body, and he was only wearing a T-shirt. His chest was strangely dented in one place. Suddenly Paul and Jane were with me, they took me in their arms and finally went with me to the hospital. As if in a fog, I eventually realized that Mom hadn't survived the accident. Davey was in the emergency room and the doctors were doing their best.
Three hours later, I was sitting alone in the waiting room. The door opened and Grandma came in with Tom. “Nick! What happened?” I tried to tell them what had happened on the road, but I was barely able to think straight, let alone talk. Finally, the door opened again. Jane came in... I only had to look at her to know. “Did Davey... did he die?” She just nodded. The last thing I remember is Tom falling into my arms. We started crying, and I didn't want to stop...
Two days later, I was able to say my name again and tell what day it was by looking at the calendar. When I came downstairs, Grandma was already in the kitchen. “Good morning, my little one.” She took me in her arms. I sat down listlessly at the table and poured myself a cup of coffee. ‘Nick, I need to talk to you. You remember that Mom always made a big secret out of your father?’ I nodded - just remembering Mom brought tears to my eyes again.
“I called him the night before last, he's here in Scarborough and will come by later.” I looked at her questioningly. ‘Are you serious?’ She nodded. ‘Yes. She and your dad made an agreement that he would take you in if anything ever happened to her. He insisted on it because she wanted to have her way in all other respects.’ I swallowed. “Grandma, what kind of person is he?” ”When I met him, he was very much like you, and I think that although he has grown older and wiser, he's more the type to not change much.”
I stirred my scrambled eggs without any appetite. “Can you tell me a little bit about him?” She nodded and then stood up. “Wait a minute.” A little later she came back and rummaged through her handbag, then she gave me some photos. “Here, your dad, your two half-brothers and your sister.” The younger of the two boys was about my age and looked quite a bit like me. Dad had changed since the last photos, he no longer had a beard – okay, the photo was really old – and his hair was showing the first gray strands. “How old are they?” I asked. Grandma thought for a moment. “Ripley would be 44 now, Julian about 20. Richard is the same age as you and Anne is a year younger than both of you.”
I don't know why, but somehow... I felt strange. Anyway, I didn't want to tell my siblings about Davey for the time being... Tears were welling up in my eyes again. I stood up. “Is it okay if I go to Paul and Jane's for a few hours?” Grandma nodded. “Yes, okay. See you later.” I turned around again in the doorway. “Grandma, please don't tell him about Davey. I don't want him to know.” She looked at me sadly. ‘Nick, I'm sure...’ I shook my head. ‘No, I just don't want him to.’ With tears in my eyes again, I left the house.
Just like Grandma, Paul and Jane were both wearing black. Jane gave me a hug when she saw me. We sat down in the kitchen... the kitchen where we had laughed so much, where Davey and I had told his parents about what was really going on in our lives. We didn't say much... it was enough just to be together and to be able to comfort each other. Neither of us would get over this loss any time soon. On this occasion, Jane and Paul told me that Davey was to be buried on Monday. Mum's funeral was to take place the very next day.
I know it sounds pretty stupid, but the fact that I would never see Davey again touched me far more than the loss of Mum. Davey was the first person I had loved in this way – a completely different kind of love than the love I felt for my own mother. My first friend, the boy who had thoroughly confused my feelings, with whom I had experienced almost everything recently, and the person who had changed me the most so far... I don't know exactly how many times, but at least several times during that time I toyed with the idea of simply following him. Just follow him, and we would be together for all eternity...
What stopped me in the end was simply the feeling that it wouldn't help anyway. And the thought that it wouldn't help anyone but me. Tom had been to see me a few times since the accident, we had talked, shared memories of Davey, and I felt like he needed me. Maybe it was just that feeling that prevented me from doing something really stupid and irreparable.
At some point, around half past three, I returned to our house. I heard voices coming from the living room and remembered that I was supposed to meet my father today. To be honest, at that moment I was afraid of it. I gathered all my courage – it wasn't much, but it was enough – and then entered the living room. “Hello everyone.” I recognized Dad immediately from the photos Grandma had shown me, and the girl with him must be Anne.
Dad stood up and cleared his throat. “Hello, Nick.” His voice sounded rather hoarse. We stood facing each other for a moment, then shook hands. “Hello, Dad.” I said in a hoarse voice. We looked at each other for a long time before we both sat down. Anne also shook my hand. ‘Hello Nick, I'm your sister.’ I smiled. ‘Nice to meet you. Did Julian and Richard come with you too?’ Dad shook his head. ”No, they stayed in Hamburg and are currently renovating your room.”
That was what you call a real home-coming. I blinked in puzzlement. “My room?” Dad nodded. “Yes, exactly – that is, if you want it to be your room.” Anne added, “We don't know what you're planning to do in the near future, but you're welcome to stay with us.” She smiled encouragingly at me – and when I glanced at Dad, I knew where she got the smile from. Grandma silently held out a teacup to me. I drank it in one gulp and put it back on the table.
Hamburg... I had already seen some photos of the city and liked it. I had finished school and was probably going to get cabin fever here in Scarborough. It was probably due to the events and chaos of the last few days that I quickly decided to accept the offer. At first glance, my father seemed nice, and from what my mom and grandma had said, he also seemed like a nice guy. I would probably just need to get used to my siblings first.
The only question remaining was... what happened to Tom, Paul and Jane? I probably wouldn't see them again anytime soon... “You don't have to decide right away. Anne and I will stay here for a few days – if you want, we can get to know each other a bit first – I think we have a lot of catching up to do. Besides, the boys need a few more days to get ready,” he added with a smile.
At least on this point I could clearly say that I wanted that. I had waited almost eighteen years to meet my father, and suddenly he was sitting in front of me... and he seemed to be okay, too, the only bright spot in the whole chaos of the last few days. And maybe I would tell him about Davey one day...
We spent the rest of the day together. Dad and I talked for most of the afternoon, each of us had a lot of questions for the other. Dad had a sense of humor, he was a good storyteller, in short: he seemed to me to be exactly the father I had always wanted. I just hoped that it would stay that way and not just because we were just getting to know each other. Somehow I thought that nothing much could go wrong, and Dad seemed to be my only chance. So that evening I told him that I had decided to come with him.
The next day Dad called Hamburg to find out how far Richard – no, everyone just called him Richie, as Anne had told me – and Julian had got. I happened to be passing. “... By the way, he's looking forward to meeting you.” Short pause. ‘Wait a minute... he's just passing by. I'll put him on.’ With these words, Dad pushed the telephone receiver into my hand. ‘Here, Richie for you.’ I swallowed - now it was getting exciting.
“Nick Collins.” ‘Hi, Nick, I'm Richie.’ His voice sounded friendly, Richie spoke perfect English with a slight American slang. ‘My... my new stepbrother?’ I asked, still quite nervous. ‘Exactly, one of the two anyway, the younger one. It's nice to meet you at least like this,’ he replied. ”Yes, me too.” I couldn't think of much more to say. “I hope you don't mind that I'm coming with you?” I asked. “Not at all,” he assured me. “On the contrary. We're looking forward to it. Don't worry about it.” Somehow I had the feeling that he had meant it exactly as he had said it. “Okay... then... see you later. I'll give you Anne.” She was standing right behind me and definitely wanted to talk to her brother, too.
I followed Dad into the living room. “What do the others actually know about me?” I asked. “Not very much. I told them the whole story a few days ago after your grandma called me.” He lit a cigarette before continuing – well, I'd have to get used to that, Mum and I both didn't smoke. “Sarah... your mom... probably told you what happened between us back then, and if Julian, Richie and Anne had known about it beforehand, they would have tried everything to get to know you. I didn't know if it would have been right for your mom... and now it's too late to ask her about it,” he added quietly.
I nodded slowly. ”Yes... not just with Mum.” The memory of Davey overwhelmed me again, I couldn't hold it back anymore. Instead of saying anything, Dad stood up and took me in his arms. ‘Nick, I'm very sorry that we had to meet under these circumstances. I'll be there for you in the future, I promise.’ He held me for at least an hour, and in the end I felt much better.
Anne had helped me pack, and on Saturday morning we finally set off. Dad had organized a small van so that we could fit everything in. I was quite surprised when we drove to Newcastle Airport. “We won't be able to see all that stuff on a scheduled flight,” I said. Dad smiled. “No, not on a scheduled flight.” Instead, he parked the car in front of a slightly smaller plane, a LearJet, as he later explained to me.
I was completely amazed – I didn't know that my father had his own plane. This gave me reason to ask many more questions, and the flight to Hamburg was anything but boring. We arrived at two o'clock in the afternoon, and a little later it was time for me to meet my new family – at least the part I didn't know yet. There was a black van on the tarmac, and Julian was standing in front of it – once again I was grateful to Grandma for the photos – with another boy. As soon as the exit of the plane was opened, Anne rushed out and fell into his arms, so he was obviously her boyfriend.
I walked slowly towards Julian, who looked at me rather astonished at first. Then he shook my hand. “Hi, I'm Julian. Welcome to Hamburg.” He smiled friendly. So that was my big brother. He and Dad talked briefly, then we started unloading my things. Jochen, the pilot of the machine, helped, and so we were finished pretty quickly.
On the drive, I sat in the front next to Julian. Dad, Anne and her friend had taken a taxi because the van was packed to the rafters – but we had been able to fit everything in. “Why did you look at me with such amazement earlier?” I asked Julian during the drive. He grinned. “Simply because you look so much like Richie.” “Really?” I hadn't really noticed that much from the photos. “You'll see for yourself in a moment. I think the guys are still in the rehearsal room.”
“The guys?” I asked. He nodded. “Yes, Richie, a friend of ours and our cousins are visiting. But don't worry, none of us bite.” Julian was right in his assumption; the others could actually be found in the rehearsal room... a house with a rehearsal room. Well, Dad had told me in the meantime that he had inherited quite a lot at some point, hence the plane and the car. And when I saw the house... we didn't exactly live in the poorest part of Scarborough, but this house simply surpassed everything.
Dad pressed a button downstairs and two seconds later a green light came on above the door. He opened it and pushed me through. One of the guys put his guitar in the corner and then came up to me - Julian had been right, he really did look like me, so this had to be Richie. He shook my hand. “Hi, I'm Richie.” I tried to smile. “Nice to meet you, I'm Nicholas... well, Nick.”
He pulled me a little into the room and then introduced me to the others. “This is Jason, over here is Bob, that's Clint and the one behind the keyboard is Dave. Guys, this is Nick.” Everyone came up to me and greeted me. When I was standing in front of Jason, I could hardly believe my eyes... I had seen this boy before, most recently this morning in my room when I took down some posters. I wasn't one hundred percent sure, but I decided to ask Richie about it later. And when I thought about it, Anne's friend seemed quite familiar too... but that couldn't be right.
I decided to ask Jason after all. “Could it be that I've seen you somewhere before?” Jason smiled. “Yes, it's possible.” I thought about it. “Hm. I can't figure it out right now, but it'll definitely come back to me. But you're not from Scarborough, are you?” Jason laughed. “No, I was born in Medford, Oregon, USA.” “Of course!” Now it came back to me. “Sorry, I'm sorry I didn't recognize you right away,” I stammered. “It's okay,” Jason replied, still smiling.
I was quite embarrassed about the whole thing, so I tried to distract myself a bit. “Nice place you've got here. Do you all play?” I asked. Richie nodded. “Well... at least some of them are trying,“ he answered with a sidelong glance at Jason. ‘That's right, Richie, but you've learned a lot, there's no denying that,’ he said. Richie gave him a friendly nudge in the ribs, and the two of them tussled a little.
“Peace?” Richie finally offered him. Jason grinned and gave him... a kiss. “Okay, peace.” My jaw literally hit the floor and Bob coughed cautiously. The two of them turned to me with slightly blushing heads. I had regained my composure quite quickly. ‘Don't let me disturb you,’ I said smiling. ‘Uh... well, as you probably can imagine... we're together,’ Richie tried to explain.
That scene marked the beginning of my life in Hamburg. At that moment, I realized that I had made the right decision. Richie later wrote down how he and Jason met and spent their first time together, which was also the time when we all met each other. If you like, you can continue reading there... I've been writing all evening and I'm just tired. Oh yes: thanks for listening...