07-10-2025, 12:50 PM
1
The motion detector had detected Lukas. The large glass sliding door opened with a hum and Lukas stepped outside. He breathed a sigh of relief.
“Finally done. Finally on vacation.”
Without turning around again, he walked away from the hardware store where he had been training as a retail salesman for a year. He wouldn't see the people who made life difficult for him for another three weeks.
As if he didn't already have enough stress with his colleagues, he also got a telling off from his department manager today.
On his way to the bus stop, he forced himself not to think about it anymore. He was on vacation now and he wanted to enjoy it. When he reached the end of the urban canyons, the sun was shining on his face. Lukas couldn't help but smile. At the bus stop, he sat down on the bench and let his mind wander, looking at the park across the street. It wasn't long before the bus arrived.
Fields, meadows and forests passed by the window. Looking at this natural landscape, he wistfully thought back to the time when he and his family still lived in a real city. Unfortunately, Lukas's father had to take over the doctor's office from his father almost three years ago. And this was not in Regensburg, but in a 300-person town called Wildberg. Lukas thought that this name was only too fitting. A hamlet far from civilization, where the wild things lived.
Katzenbach, Stubenhausen, Egelding. Tiny places where a Catholic church and the obligatory restaurant were not to be missed. Lukas was of the opinion that the people living there were still living in the Middle Ages in terms of their thoughts and feelings. In this area, you were already looked at askance if you did not go to church every Sunday and did not go to confession at least once a month. Discontented, Lukas leaned back. Two more towns and they would be in Wildberg. Finally, they had arrived. Lukas got off at the graffiti-sprayed bus shelter. He looked at the villa of his grandparents, which was enthroned on a small hill about 150 meters to his right, and walked towards it. When he arrived at the house, he rummaged in his jacket pocket for the key.
Damn. I forgot it.
After ringing the bell several times, his mother opened the door for him.
“Lukas. You have a key, don't you?”
“I forgot it.”
“You always forget everything.”
Lukas shrugged his shoulders and looked at his mother guiltily.
“I have to go back to the practice. Claudia is still sick. All the work is falling on me.”
“I see,” Lukas said flatly. He put down his bag and went into the kitchen, where he prepared a bowl of muesli. While he was eating it, his sister burst into the room.
“Hey, little brother. Home already?”
“Don't keep calling me little brother. I'm only 13 months younger than you. And on top of that, I'm taller and slimmer.”
“Pah. But I have more brain than you.”
“Stupid cow. Just because you go to high school, you don't need to show off.” Lukas stared at her angrily. But Anja was right. Because while she graduated from the 11th grade of high school as the best in her class two days ago, he didn't even pass the qualifying secondary school certificate last year. Lukas only got the training position he did because of his father's good connections.
“Silly,” she teased him.
Lukas wanted to jump out of his chair and punch her in the face. But he was able to control his emotions. He stuck out his tongue at her and went back to his cereal.
He was just putting the bowl in the dishwasher when the doorbell rang.
Probably one of Anja's friends. Let her answer it.
It rang again.
“Well, isn't anyone going to open it?“ he said to himself, went to the front door, opened it and...
“Daniel.” Lukas beamed at his counterpart.
“Hi Lukas,“ he replied with a broad grin on his face.
“I didn't expect you to come today.”
“The driving lesson was canceled and training doesn't start until seven. So I thought I'd visit my best friend.” Daniel's bright blue eyes sparkled. “Can I come in?”
“Uh. Yes, of course.“ A pleasant shiver ran down Lukas's spine as their bare forearms brushed briefly. ‘I'll quickly get us something to drink.’ Lukas disappeared into the kitchen.
Drrr Drrr Drrr
“Anja!” Lukas called. “Would you mind?”
Drrr Drrr Drrr
“Anja! ... Of all times, the house phone has to ring. This is turning into work again.“ Annoyed, he stomped over to the phone.
“Yes?”
“Hey, it's Mom. Would you be a dear and get bread, some sausage, and cheese from the store?”
“If I have to,” Lukas groaned.
“We're out of everything. And when Dad closes the practice at half past six, Schmidt's will be closed too.”
“Yes, yes. I'm going already.“ Lukas put down the receiver and shuffled up the stairs to his room.
“Hey. You've got a sad face on. Is something wrong?” Daniel sat on Lukas' bed and looked at his friend leaning against the doorframe with a worried expression.
“Oh. I just wanted to make myself comfortable and instead I have to go shopping.“ Lukas grimaced.
“And?” Daniel tilted his head slightly.
“Either you wait half an hour or...”
“I'll accompany you. That is, I could drive you. With my 80s we can make it in half the time.“ Daniel grinned broadly.
“I thought so, that you don't feel like plodding after my moped.” Lukas smiled at Daniel.
“That's much better.”
Daniel started the moped and Lukas sat down behind him. He clasped Daniel's stomach and pressed his body against him. Lukas enjoyed this feeling. He could be very close to Daniel without it being conspicuous. Lukas was still careful to hide his true feelings for Daniel.
Three years ago, when they first met, Lukas sensed this magical attraction that Daniel exerted on him. At that time, he couldn't yet interpret why he felt so secure in Daniel's presence, why every smile of his made his guts do somersaults, why he was just happy when Daniel was around. But little by little he admitted to himself that he had fallen in love with his best friend. So far, Lukas had accepted the idea of possibly being gay. Because if being gay was even remotely what he imagined in his dreams, then it was the most amazing thing in the world.
How he wished Daniel would feel the same way about him. Lukas wondered when he would finally work up the courage to tell him that he had fallen in love with him. He hoped that Daniel would not react quite so negatively to it. Because when they touched on the subject of homosexuality a few months ago during a conversation about minorities, Lukas was surprised by Daniel's progressive arguments.
I'll tell him soon.
Daniel braked so sharply that Lukas was pressed even closer against him.
“Well then. Here we are,” said Daniel.
Lukas got off, took the helmet off his head and gave it to Daniel, who locked it and his own to the moped with a chain. Both grinned briefly at each other and entered the small EDEKA shop, where Lukas first got a shopping cart because it would be a bit more. While Lukas was queuing at the sausage counter, he sent Daniel to get bread.
“I'm back.“ Daniel had a loaf of bread wrapped in a paper bag.
“It's going to take me a little longer,” Lukas said, holding his hand in front of his mouth to yawn. In front of him at the cheese counter were two older women. One of them seemed to be engaged in a deeper conversation with the saleswoman.
Finally, it was Lukas's turn.
At the magazine stand, Lukas put the latest issue of BRAVO in the basket, following an old habit. While Lukas paid, Daniel stuffed the items into the cotton bag he had just bought.
“It was quick,” said Daniel.
“Mhm. There weren't that many people. They all seem to have already shopped.”
During the drive home, Lukas imagined what it would be like if they were sitting naked behind each other. He dreamed of gently stroking Daniel's stomach. With these thoughts, little Lukas also lifted and pressed hard on Daniel's butt. To be on the safe side, Lukas thought of his training, which made his cock go limp again.
“Six o'clock,“ Daniel announced when they arrived at Lukas's house. ‘Then we still have almost half an hour before I have to go to training.”
“You and your soccer,’ Lukas teased him.
“Can't I get you excited about it?” Daniel looked at Lukas with a faithful dog's look.
“No, no.” Lukas couldn't help grinning. ”Not even you can do that.”
“Well.“ Daniel shrugged his shoulders. ‘There's nothing we can do about it.”
They stowed the food they had bought in the kitchen and went to Lukas’ room, each with a glass of coke in his hand.
Daniel sat down on Lukas' bed and put the coke on the bedside table.
“Let's see what's in the new BRAVO,” he said, opening the first page. He looked up at Lukas, who was still standing indecisively at his desk. “Why don't you sit down with me? Then we can look at it together.” Daniel threw Lukas an encouraging smile. No sooner said than done. They were both already sitting in Lukas' bed, leafing through the latest issue of the teen magazine.
“Let's see what's interesting.”
“I suspect the usual, as always.”
“Right. Stars and starlets. And a few pretty girls,“ Daniel said.
And a few pretty boys, Lukas added in his mind.
“How do you like that one?” Daniel pointed to a scantily clad blonde.
“Hmm?” Lukas pretended to think hard. ‘Well, she's not really my type.”
“Then it's probably the girl who threw herself at you in Proxy last Saturday.’ Daniel grinned mischievously at Lukas.
“Oh, give me a break. I'm glad it was so late and we left soon. Otherwise she would have talked me to death. And she stank. Ugh. Like a perfume shop.” Lukas wrinkled his nose, which made Daniel laugh.
“Yeah. She wasn't really for you, was she? It's weird that we've never really talked about it. But what type of woman do you like?”
He can ask stupid questions.
Daniel looked at Lukas with a penetrating gaze.
“I don't know.” Lukas clasped his chin with his thumb and index finger. ”The main thing is that she's nice and that I can have a good conversation with her.”
“And? You don't want anything else from her?”
“You're not curious at all.”
“I'm not.”
Now it was Lukas who had to grin.
In the next moment there was a short knock on the door and Anja stomped into the room.
“Do you have to just burst in like that?“ she hissed at Lukas.
“I knocked anyway,” she defended herself.
“Yes. And you pushed the door handle by the way.”
“Just lock it if you want to be undisturbed.”
“I wouldn't need to if everyone here would follow the rules of politeness. What do you want?”
“To ask you if you can lend me 20 marks.”
“Which I'll never get back.”
“Of course I'll give it back to you. Next week when I get my allowance.”
“Sorry to bother you,“ Daniel said, ‘but I have to go now.”
“Already?’ Lukas asked disappointedly.
“Unfortunately. Our trainer doesn't like to wait.” Daniel got up and passed Anja on his way to the door. He turned around to Lukas one more time. “Are you coming to Proxy with us tonight?”
“I'd like that. Will you pick me up?”
“Sure. At ten?”
“OK. See you at ten.”
“See you then. Ciao you two.”
“Bye,” came from Lukas. Anja just waved and gave Daniel a cheeky grin. As soon as he had left the room, she turned back to Lukas. ”And? Are you going to give me the money?”
“Only if you give it back to me by next Friday. Otherwise I'll charge you one mark interest per day.”
“Don't worry. I'll give it back to you soon. I promise.“ She smiled at her brother. Lukas took out his wallet and gave her the money.
“Thank you very much, little brother.” She turned around and walked towards the door.
“Don't always call me...” But she couldn't hear him anymore, because she had already disappeared out of the room and closed the door behind her. Lukas remained sitting on his bed for a moment and closed his eyes.
In a little more than three hours Daniel would pick him up. So there was still some time before styling for the evening. Lukas paused for a moment and opened his eyes again.
He went to one of the two cabinets, opened the door, put his old stuffed animals aside, took out a large stack of Mickey Mouse magazines and BRAVOs and put them on the floor. There it was – his diary. Hidden from the eyes of his curious relatives. Lukas took it out and sat down at his desk. He opened the red booklet and wrote:
Friday, 27.07.2001
Work was really shit again. Today not only my stupid colleagues, but also Müller, the shop owner, gave me a hard time. And all because I don't yet have the prices of some of those thousands and thousands of items in my head. At least today was the last day of work. Three weeks' vacation. Yay!
Lovely Daniel came to visit me at home. It's weird. But whenever I see him, my heart races like crazy. Oh dear. I'm really in love with him. Daniel is super sweet. And I think he likes me too. But does he feel the same way about me as I do about him? I doubt it. But on the other hand, he always looks at me so lovingly with his super sweet eyes. Maybe he has a crush on me too and is just as afraid of admitting it as I am.
Lukas closed his eyes and dreamt that Daniel gave him a very gentle kiss on his lips. He felt him gently stroking his hair. Lukas hugged him and held him very tightly. He kissed Daniel's neck tenderly and lovingly, inhaling his friend's scent deeply.
Lukas opened his eyes.
It's a shame it was only a dream. I really wish it would become reality.
He put the diary back in its hiding place and went downstairs to the kitchen, where his mother was preparing a salad.
“You can take the bread and sausage to the dining room,” she said.
“I'll do that.”
The dining and living rooms were in one large room. To the left, behind the door Lukas was just passing through, was the dining table with five chairs and a bench against the wall. On the opposite side was a cupboard for dishes. If you entered the room from the other door, you would be standing directly in the living room. Lukas's father was sitting on the couch watching some kind of news program. He must not be disturbed under any circumstances. As a small child, Lukas had dared to romp around loudly several times while his father was watching something important on TV. Every time, his butt met his father's slippers. Sports and news - it had to be quiet as a mouse in the Binders' dining and living room. Lukas quietly set the table and disappeared back into the kitchen.
“Would you please go and get Anja. Dinner will be ready in five minutes,“ his mother said, pouring a little vinegar over the salad.
“I'll do it,” said Lukas. Shortly afterwards, he was standing outside Anja's room.
“Yes?” she called.
Lukas opened the door. Anja was sitting at her computer typing something. When he had finally saved enough money, he would buy himself one of those things. Anja didn't need to worry about that. Like so many things, she got the computer as a gift. Supposedly because she needed it for school.
“We're eating then.”
“OK. I'll be right there.”
Lukas closed the door and went back downstairs. Soon Lukas, his mother and father were sitting at the table. It took a while before Anja came into the room.
“If we were all on time, we could start on time,“ murmured Lukas's father.
“Sorry. But I really wanted to finish this one e-mail.” Anja sat down at her place.
“As if you couldn't do that after dinner, too.“ He glared at his daughter through his glasses.
“Do you have to argue now?” her mother interjected. “We're eating now.”
“Exactly,” Lukas mumbled.
The four of them ate their supper in silence for the next few minutes.
“It's a mess,“ Lukas's father announced when they had finished eating.
“What is?” Lukas's mother asked him.
“The fact that these homos are now allowed to get married. I'd rather put them in a labor camp. That would cure them of their unnatural urges.”
Lukas said nothing. A queasy feeling spread in his stomach.
Once again, his father had made it clear that he hated gays, and indirectly, him too.
“Well, I think it's okay,“ Anja said.
“Listen to her,” her father said, looking around at them. “Now she's defending these perverts, too.”
“Dad's right. It's good that our village community is spared this filth. Sodom and Gomorrah prevail in the big cities anyway,“ said Lukas' mother.
“You're really intolerant.” Angrily, Anja got up from the table and stomped outside.
“Cheeky child. If I'd been like that earlier, then...”
“Leave her to Horst. She'll understand us when she's a little older.”
Lukas still sat silently at his place and didn't dare to move. Only after his father had retreated to the living room and his mother had cleared away the plates and leftovers did he dare to get up. He crept to his room and sat down at his desk. He knew that his father was not particularly tolerant, but that his mother would also join in was new to him. Lukas tried to organize his thoughts. Mom and Dad were both against him, against his feelings. Anja, on the other hand, apparently supported gays and lesbians. He hadn't thought her capable of that. But he feared that she was only pretending to be tolerant. If she knew that her brother was also gay, she might forget her open-minded attitude. Once again, he had doubts about whether it would be wise to tell Daniel how he felt. What if he too were disgusted and turned away from him?
Lukas got up and put 'The Immaculate Collection' by Madonna on the CD player. The first few bars of 'Holiday' played. Exactly, a holiday. He wanted to enjoy it and not always have to think of something negative. After all, no one was forcing him to tell Daniel. Lukas lay down on his bed and read a 'Lustiges Taschenbuch'. He got up shortly before nine and went to the bathroom.
After an unusually short shower for him, he dried himself off, got dressed and stood in front of the full-length mirror. Would Daniel like him in these white trousers and black T-shirt?
Lukas was just styling his short dark blond hair with gel when the doorbell rang. He quickly tweaked a few strands into place and went downstairs.
“Lukas,” his mother called. ”Daniel is here to pick you up. He's waiting outside.”
“I already figured that out.“ Lukas opened the living room door to say goodbye to his father.
“Where are you going?”
“To the disco.”
“Don't stay out too late. You're only 16 and we're responsible for you.”
“Mhm. Bye.” Lukas closed the door.
“Bye, Mom.”
“Bye. Have fun.”
“Thanks.”
Daniel was leaning casually against his 80s. He looked simply stunning. The white, tight-fitting fine-ribbed T-shirt provided a great contrast to his black, short-cropped hair. He was also wearing dark, tight-fitting jeans and matching black shoes.
“Ready?”
“In a minute.” Lukas put on his jacket, put on his helmet and took a seat on the passenger seat of Daniel's moped. ”Now.”
Daniel closed the zipper on his jacket, put on his helmet and started the engine. The drive to Neuburg took almost half an hour, but Lukas felt that it could have taken much longer.
There was already a line at the entrance to Proxy, the biggest nightclub within a 50-kilometer radius. It took a few minutes before Lukas and Daniel could pay the 5-mark entrance fee and hand over their helmets and jackets.
The thumping music could already be heard. After walking a few meters down the hallway, they stood in the dimly lit dance temple, which was repeatedly briefly illuminated by strobe and laser lights. The techno music was so loud that any conversation could only take place using sign language.
Lukas didn't particularly like this part of Proxy. He didn't like the music and he was too cowardly to dance. He stood there undecided, looking from one pretty boy to the next. Daniel had apparently met an acquaintance, with whom he tried to converse. When the guy left, Lukas nudged Daniel on the shoulder and pointed in the direction of a large, black sliding door. Daniel nodded and they went into a comparatively bright hall, where the music was reduced to a tolerable level. Lukas liked the music better here than in the disco area. They were just playing one of Lukas's favorite hits: “La Passion” by Gigi D'Agostino.
“Finally, we can talk.”
“I know you don't like it in there.” Daniel grinned broadly. ”But if you would dance, then...”
“Yeah, yeah. I just don't like it. And the music in the disco is not to my taste either.”
“You'd rather say you don't dare. But the only place you'll meet a girl is on the dance floor.”
As if I want that.
“You don't have one yet either,“ Lukas replied. Fortunately.
“Maybe it will work out today,” said Daniel. “There's a free table over there. Come on.”
They hadn't been sitting for long when a waitress approached them and asked if they wanted something to drink. Daniel said yes and everyone ordered a coke.
They were just talking about their plans for the next week when two girls asked if there was room at their table.
“Sure,“ Daniel said.
“Mhm.” Lukas nodded morosely.
Oh dear. The girl from last week. This can't be good.
“Now I recognize you. You're the one who...”
“Lukas,” he completed.
“Oh God. How could I forget such a sweet name,“ the blonde girl squealed, grinning at Lukas incessantly.
Hopefully she'll leave soon.
“By the way, my name is Katja,” she breathed.
“Aha. Nice to meet you.”
Phew. In a moment I'll have to listen to her chatter.
While the other girl monopolized Daniel and told him something apparently terribly important, Katja moved closer and closer to Lukas. He lost his senses, she smelled so strongly of perfume. She kept her mouth open and apparently didn't want to stop telling him things that didn't interest him at all.
“Shall we go outside and dance?“ asked the dark-haired girl sitting next to Daniel.
“Oh yeah,” Katja shouted.
“Fine by me,” said Lukas.
At least then I won't have to listen to her cackling anymore.
Lukas was shocked when the other girl took Daniel by the hand and led him. He had the impression that Daniel was only too happy to comply. Was he straight after all? The evening went from bad to worse.
Katja smiled at him and clasped his hands in her wet, warm little hands. Even when they had long since arrived at the big disco, she made no move to take her grip on Lukas away. He just thought it was gross, but didn't resist. Katja dragged him straight to the dance floor.
She let him go and moved wildly to the beat of the music. She stared at Lukas the whole time. He was extremely uncomfortable in his skin. He stood in the midst of twitching bodies. All eyes were surely on him. He anxiously looked for Daniel so that he could hold on to him in his thoughts. But he couldn't find him. Instead, Katja was trying to attract Lukas's attention with extensive movements, but he wasn't interested at all. He only wanted one thing – to get off the dance floor and disappear somewhere. But to do that, he would have had to push past a crowd of dancing people first. Finally, he spotted Daniel. However, Daniel was too preoccupied with himself to see him. The sight of his friend encouraged Lukas to stay on the dance floor a little longer. He thought it was stunning how gracefully Daniel moved to the beat of the music. Lukas stared at his friend as if spellbound. But Katja was already blocking his view again. She intrusively danced up to Lukas, coming within a few centimeters of him. He found it too stupid. He pushed past her and pushed himself to the edge of the dance floor. However, he didn't have time to rest, because Katja took him by the hand again.
Does she never let go?
“Let's go to the disco cafe?“ He shouted in her ear.
“What?” Katja moved her ear closer to Lukas' mouth.
“I want out!” He shouted and pushed his way past the crowd, Katja in tow.
“Don't you like the music? Or why were you in such a hurry to get back to the chill out area?”
“I'm tired and thirsty.”
“Me too. Hey, there seems to be a free table over there.”
“Then let's go there before someone else snatches the place up.”
While they were sitting there, he suddenly felt her hand on his thigh. She stroked down to his knees.
“Stop it!”
“What?” Katja looked shocked. ”I thought you liked it.”
“No. I don't like it at all.”
“But, but. You think I'm nice, don't you?”
“Yes. Nice, sure. But you have to understand. I don't want anything from you. Hey. You don't have to cry about it.”
“Me? I'm not crying,” she sniffed.
“I'm sorry, Katja. But I'm not the right guy for you.”
“How do you know? We're not even together yet.”
“I...”
“Hello, you two. Is there any room in there?“ Daniel grinned broadly at Lukas.
“If we move together closely.”
“And? What did you think?” Daniel asked his friend.
“What?”
“Dancing.”
“It was okay. But it'll take years before I'm as good as you.”
“Danny, I'm thirsty,” the black-haired girl said.
Danny is what she calls him. That random chick.
“Sure, Sandy. What do you want?”
Sure, darling. I'll do anything you want. *(censored)*
Katja smiled at Lukas and tried to engage him in conversation. He replied with a few “yeses” and “mhmms” while looking suspiciously over at Daniel and this Sandy. Both looked into each other's eyes and whispered something.
Lukas just thought it was awful the way Sandy was flirting with Daniel. Daniel couldn't possibly be aware of what he was doing. He certainly wasn't in control of his senses. He couldn't just fall in love with a girl.
Slowly their heads moved towards each other and their mouths merged into a passionate French kiss.
That was too much for Lukas. He jumped up and ran away. It was only when he was outside in the fresh air that he calmed down again. After a few deep breaths, he went to one of the taxis and let himself be driven home. When he had paid the taxi driver, he realized that he had forgotten his helmet and his jacket. Unfortunately, his house key was in the jacket. So he had no choice but to ring the doorbell and face the wrath of his mother or father. Anja wouldn't open the door anyway.
It took a while before his mother opened the door for him.
“Do you know what time it is?“ Her voice sounded irritated.
“I forgot my jacket at the disco. And my key was in it,” Lukas explained.
“Typical. Next time you'll forget your head.”
“Sorry, but...”
“Yes, yes. All right.” His mother turned around and walked away.
Lukas trudged to his room. He wondered if he should write another diary entry. But he decided to sleep on the bad events of the day first.
What had happened? Surely nothing out of the ordinary. It was to be expected that Daniel would eventually laugh at a girl. Lukas wondered how he could be so stupid as to hope that Daniel was gay too. Daniel – what he thought of him now. He had stormed out of the disco as if a wild beast were chasing him. What should he say to him if he were to bring it up? That he had fallen in love with his best friend and was insanely jealous of him?
Lukas wondered what Daniel and this Sandy were doing at the moment. Were they already having sex with each other? Sex in the bed in which he and Lukas had sat together so often. In the bed that appeared so frequently in his dreams...
It was almost eleven when Lukas woke up. Sleepily, he rubbed his eyes and dozed for a few more minutes before he managed to leave the cozy bed. After showering and getting dressed, he went down to the kitchen.
On the table, he found a note:
“Hi Lukas!
We went to Landshut for shopping.
We won't be back until late this afternoon.
Make yourself something to eat from the freezer.
Mom.
“Aha.”
After he had breakfast, he went up to his room to write an entry in his diary.
Saturday, 07/28/2001
Went to Proxy with Daniel yesterday. I wish I hadn't. It was crappy. Daniel was making out with some chick. And I always thought he might be gay. Wrong – Daniel is straight.
Why does m y Daniel have to be straight?
I couldn't stand the sight of them making out any longer and fled. Like a little kid. Idiotic. I also forgot my jacket and helmet.
Lukas closed the booklet and hid it again. He went to one of the two CD racks and thought about what he would like to listen to now. He decided on “The Bridge” by “Ace of Base”. Just as he put it in the CD player, the doorbell rang.
Daniel. was his first thought.
He was right. It was actually Daniel.
“Hello.”
“Hello.”
“You forgot something yesterday.“ There was a hint of a grin on Daniel's face. ‘Here.’ He handed him the black and white Nike jacket and the red motorcycle helmet.
“Thanks.” Lukas took the things from him. “Do you want to come in?”
“Lukas, what's wrong with you?”
“What should be wrong?”
“Come on. You know exactly what I mean.”
“Because of yesterday? I didn't feel well somehow and...”
“You just ran away without saying anything. Man, Lukas. What got into you yesterday?”
Lukas shrugged his shoulders and looked past Daniel into the distance.
“You weren't jealous of me because of Sandy?”
“No, no.“ I was jealous of you, he added in his mind.
“But you had no reason to be. That Katja is a sweet girl too.” Daniel grinned broadly at Lukas.
“Well, I guess so.”
“You don't want to tell me why you ran away?” Daniel looked Lukas deep in the eyes. It wouldn't have taken much for Lukas to burst into tears, fall around Daniel's neck and confess his love to him. But he was able to control himself. ‘Not yet,’ he whispered.
“As you wish.”
“Wouldn't you rather come in before we stand here between the door and the hinge?” Lukas asked in a firm voice.
“Unfortunately, I don't have any more time. I still have to stop by Johannes' and help him fix his 80s.”
“If you tackle it, it'll work. When my moped breaks down, you just have to look at it and it's purring again.” Lukas grinned from ear to ear.
“There's never anything major wrong with it.” Daniel smiled at his friend. This gentle, loving smile finally melted the ice that had formed around Lukas last night. Lukas was happy. He beamed from ear to ear.
“Do you feel like going swimming today? I heard it's going to be almost thirty degrees.”
“You bet I feel like it. Are we going to Laberweiher?”
“How did you come up with that?” Daniel looked deep into Lukas's eyes, which also tempted little Lukas to stretch curiously. It was lucky that Lukas was wearing jeans, so that no one could see his excitement from the outside.
“No wonder. It's our local pond.”
“Three o'clock then?”
“All right.”
“See you then. Bye.”
“Bye.”
As Daniel drove away, Lukas kept looking after him until he could no longer see him. He wondered why he had been so angry with Daniel yesterday. Maybe he just wanted to see what it was like with a girl, so that he could then finally decide to love a boy.
In his room, he pressed play on the CD player and “Beautiful Life” sounded. He turned down the volume, lay down in bed, closed his eyes and dozed off...
It was half past two when he looked at his watch the next time. The CD had already ended.
I fell asleep after all.
Lukas stretched his limbs, yawned heartily and got up. He put a towel, two swimming trunks and a sun cream in his rucksack. He did a little business in the bathroom, combed his wild hair and went down to the kitchen. There he prepared some sausage and cheese sandwiches for his lunch and put them and a bottle of Adelholzener mineral water in his rucksack. He locked it, went to the garage and pushed his moped onto the driveway. A push of a button was enough to close the fully automatic gate again. Lukas put on his helmet, started his bike and drove off. First, he had to drive across Wildberg before turning left at the end of the village onto a country road. A few kilometers further on, he had to turn again – to the right onto a dirt road. It wasn't long before he parked his moped at a small hill. Only a meadow about 50 meters wide now separated him from the Laberweiher. It ran around the entire lake. To his right were a few rustic trees and bushes. This place was Daniel and Lukas' secret hideout until last year. Lukas had often imagined making out or doing something even hotter there. Behind the opposite shore stretched a long mixed forest. On the other three sides, the lake was embedded in fallow fields. An idyllic spot on earth. Nevertheless, only a few people came here to take a refreshing dip. Maybe the lake was too unknown because it was far away from the villages, or maybe the people in the area had other things to do than to have fun. On some days, Lukas and Daniel were alone at the pond. It seemed to be the same on this day.
Lukas spread out his blanket, undressed, and put on his swimming trunks. Then he applied sunscreen to himself. He smiled as he recalled the last time he had been here at the Laberweiher, when Daniel had massaged his back with very warm, super-tender hands. Lukas wondered if Daniel had noticed that he had become very tight in his swimming trunks during this massage. Lukas thought it was a shame that he had never been allowed to apply cream to Daniel. Sometimes it seemed to him as if Daniel couldn't get the cream on his back fast enough himself. Was he uncomfortable about being touched by Lukas on his naked skin? Maybe he wanted to be, but was afraid of the feelings that might be triggered in him. Hope germinated in Lukas that Daniel might be in love with him after all.
Lukas heard a moped approaching. Soon after, it was quiet again and only the chirping of birds could be heard. The next moment, he saw Daniel standing on the hillside, smiling at him. Daniel raised his hand in greeting. “Sorry it took a little longer,” he called to him, “but I had to pick up Sandy first.”
At that moment she stepped out from behind Daniel. “Hello, Lukas.”
What's she doing here?
“Hello,” he greeted her back. He didn't feel like smiling anymore. “I'm going in for a swim.”
“We'll be right behind you,” he heard Daniel say.
Lukas walked into the cold water up to his waist, jumped in head first and dived under. He wanted to get away from the couple behind him as quickly as possible. Lukas didn't feel like seeing his friend flirt with that girl. It wasn't until he had swum quite a distance, about halfway across the lake, that he dared to take a quick look behind him. Sandy was just putting lotion on Daniel. Why was she allowed to do that and he wasn't?
To forget his annoyance, he sped up and swam to the other side, where he arrived completely exhausted. Breathing heavily, he got out of the water and sat down on the grass. Daniel and Sandy still hadn't come into the lake. What were they talking about? Lukas thought he recognized kissing. His hopes that Daniel might also be gay were fading more and more. Lukas perceived his surroundings only vaguely. A veil of tears had settled over his vision. He rubbed his eyes with his fists. Disconsolate, he waded back into the water. He hoped to get his mind off things by swimming. Lukas had almost crossed the lake when he came across Daniel and Sandy. They greeted him and swam past him. Lukas left the cool water and dried himself off. He watched the two suspiciously as they teased each other. Lukas would have loved to be in Sandy's shoes right now. To distract himself, he unwrapped his sandwiches and ate one of them. Lukas stared at the grass and the shore of the lake. After he had drunk almost half the bottle of mineral water, he turned around to the hillside and lay down on his stomach. After a while, he heard splashing and the voices of Daniel and Sandy behind him.
“That felt good,” he heard Daniel say.
“A refreshing swim like that is really something.”
The motion detector had detected Lukas. The large glass sliding door opened with a hum and Lukas stepped outside. He breathed a sigh of relief.
“Finally done. Finally on vacation.”
Without turning around again, he walked away from the hardware store where he had been training as a retail salesman for a year. He wouldn't see the people who made life difficult for him for another three weeks.
As if he didn't already have enough stress with his colleagues, he also got a telling off from his department manager today.
On his way to the bus stop, he forced himself not to think about it anymore. He was on vacation now and he wanted to enjoy it. When he reached the end of the urban canyons, the sun was shining on his face. Lukas couldn't help but smile. At the bus stop, he sat down on the bench and let his mind wander, looking at the park across the street. It wasn't long before the bus arrived.
Fields, meadows and forests passed by the window. Looking at this natural landscape, he wistfully thought back to the time when he and his family still lived in a real city. Unfortunately, Lukas's father had to take over the doctor's office from his father almost three years ago. And this was not in Regensburg, but in a 300-person town called Wildberg. Lukas thought that this name was only too fitting. A hamlet far from civilization, where the wild things lived.
Katzenbach, Stubenhausen, Egelding. Tiny places where a Catholic church and the obligatory restaurant were not to be missed. Lukas was of the opinion that the people living there were still living in the Middle Ages in terms of their thoughts and feelings. In this area, you were already looked at askance if you did not go to church every Sunday and did not go to confession at least once a month. Discontented, Lukas leaned back. Two more towns and they would be in Wildberg. Finally, they had arrived. Lukas got off at the graffiti-sprayed bus shelter. He looked at the villa of his grandparents, which was enthroned on a small hill about 150 meters to his right, and walked towards it. When he arrived at the house, he rummaged in his jacket pocket for the key.
Damn. I forgot it.
After ringing the bell several times, his mother opened the door for him.
“Lukas. You have a key, don't you?”
“I forgot it.”
“You always forget everything.”
Lukas shrugged his shoulders and looked at his mother guiltily.
“I have to go back to the practice. Claudia is still sick. All the work is falling on me.”
“I see,” Lukas said flatly. He put down his bag and went into the kitchen, where he prepared a bowl of muesli. While he was eating it, his sister burst into the room.
“Hey, little brother. Home already?”
“Don't keep calling me little brother. I'm only 13 months younger than you. And on top of that, I'm taller and slimmer.”
“Pah. But I have more brain than you.”
“Stupid cow. Just because you go to high school, you don't need to show off.” Lukas stared at her angrily. But Anja was right. Because while she graduated from the 11th grade of high school as the best in her class two days ago, he didn't even pass the qualifying secondary school certificate last year. Lukas only got the training position he did because of his father's good connections.
“Silly,” she teased him.
Lukas wanted to jump out of his chair and punch her in the face. But he was able to control his emotions. He stuck out his tongue at her and went back to his cereal.
He was just putting the bowl in the dishwasher when the doorbell rang.
Probably one of Anja's friends. Let her answer it.
It rang again.
“Well, isn't anyone going to open it?“ he said to himself, went to the front door, opened it and...
“Daniel.” Lukas beamed at his counterpart.
“Hi Lukas,“ he replied with a broad grin on his face.
“I didn't expect you to come today.”
“The driving lesson was canceled and training doesn't start until seven. So I thought I'd visit my best friend.” Daniel's bright blue eyes sparkled. “Can I come in?”
“Uh. Yes, of course.“ A pleasant shiver ran down Lukas's spine as their bare forearms brushed briefly. ‘I'll quickly get us something to drink.’ Lukas disappeared into the kitchen.
Drrr Drrr Drrr
“Anja!” Lukas called. “Would you mind?”
Drrr Drrr Drrr
“Anja! ... Of all times, the house phone has to ring. This is turning into work again.“ Annoyed, he stomped over to the phone.
“Yes?”
“Hey, it's Mom. Would you be a dear and get bread, some sausage, and cheese from the store?”
“If I have to,” Lukas groaned.
“We're out of everything. And when Dad closes the practice at half past six, Schmidt's will be closed too.”
“Yes, yes. I'm going already.“ Lukas put down the receiver and shuffled up the stairs to his room.
“Hey. You've got a sad face on. Is something wrong?” Daniel sat on Lukas' bed and looked at his friend leaning against the doorframe with a worried expression.
“Oh. I just wanted to make myself comfortable and instead I have to go shopping.“ Lukas grimaced.
“And?” Daniel tilted his head slightly.
“Either you wait half an hour or...”
“I'll accompany you. That is, I could drive you. With my 80s we can make it in half the time.“ Daniel grinned broadly.
“I thought so, that you don't feel like plodding after my moped.” Lukas smiled at Daniel.
“That's much better.”
Daniel started the moped and Lukas sat down behind him. He clasped Daniel's stomach and pressed his body against him. Lukas enjoyed this feeling. He could be very close to Daniel without it being conspicuous. Lukas was still careful to hide his true feelings for Daniel.
Three years ago, when they first met, Lukas sensed this magical attraction that Daniel exerted on him. At that time, he couldn't yet interpret why he felt so secure in Daniel's presence, why every smile of his made his guts do somersaults, why he was just happy when Daniel was around. But little by little he admitted to himself that he had fallen in love with his best friend. So far, Lukas had accepted the idea of possibly being gay. Because if being gay was even remotely what he imagined in his dreams, then it was the most amazing thing in the world.
How he wished Daniel would feel the same way about him. Lukas wondered when he would finally work up the courage to tell him that he had fallen in love with him. He hoped that Daniel would not react quite so negatively to it. Because when they touched on the subject of homosexuality a few months ago during a conversation about minorities, Lukas was surprised by Daniel's progressive arguments.
I'll tell him soon.
Daniel braked so sharply that Lukas was pressed even closer against him.
“Well then. Here we are,” said Daniel.
Lukas got off, took the helmet off his head and gave it to Daniel, who locked it and his own to the moped with a chain. Both grinned briefly at each other and entered the small EDEKA shop, where Lukas first got a shopping cart because it would be a bit more. While Lukas was queuing at the sausage counter, he sent Daniel to get bread.
“I'm back.“ Daniel had a loaf of bread wrapped in a paper bag.
“It's going to take me a little longer,” Lukas said, holding his hand in front of his mouth to yawn. In front of him at the cheese counter were two older women. One of them seemed to be engaged in a deeper conversation with the saleswoman.
Finally, it was Lukas's turn.
At the magazine stand, Lukas put the latest issue of BRAVO in the basket, following an old habit. While Lukas paid, Daniel stuffed the items into the cotton bag he had just bought.
“It was quick,” said Daniel.
“Mhm. There weren't that many people. They all seem to have already shopped.”
During the drive home, Lukas imagined what it would be like if they were sitting naked behind each other. He dreamed of gently stroking Daniel's stomach. With these thoughts, little Lukas also lifted and pressed hard on Daniel's butt. To be on the safe side, Lukas thought of his training, which made his cock go limp again.
“Six o'clock,“ Daniel announced when they arrived at Lukas's house. ‘Then we still have almost half an hour before I have to go to training.”
“You and your soccer,’ Lukas teased him.
“Can't I get you excited about it?” Daniel looked at Lukas with a faithful dog's look.
“No, no.” Lukas couldn't help grinning. ”Not even you can do that.”
“Well.“ Daniel shrugged his shoulders. ‘There's nothing we can do about it.”
They stowed the food they had bought in the kitchen and went to Lukas’ room, each with a glass of coke in his hand.
Daniel sat down on Lukas' bed and put the coke on the bedside table.
“Let's see what's in the new BRAVO,” he said, opening the first page. He looked up at Lukas, who was still standing indecisively at his desk. “Why don't you sit down with me? Then we can look at it together.” Daniel threw Lukas an encouraging smile. No sooner said than done. They were both already sitting in Lukas' bed, leafing through the latest issue of the teen magazine.
“Let's see what's interesting.”
“I suspect the usual, as always.”
“Right. Stars and starlets. And a few pretty girls,“ Daniel said.
And a few pretty boys, Lukas added in his mind.
“How do you like that one?” Daniel pointed to a scantily clad blonde.
“Hmm?” Lukas pretended to think hard. ‘Well, she's not really my type.”
“Then it's probably the girl who threw herself at you in Proxy last Saturday.’ Daniel grinned mischievously at Lukas.
“Oh, give me a break. I'm glad it was so late and we left soon. Otherwise she would have talked me to death. And she stank. Ugh. Like a perfume shop.” Lukas wrinkled his nose, which made Daniel laugh.
“Yeah. She wasn't really for you, was she? It's weird that we've never really talked about it. But what type of woman do you like?”
He can ask stupid questions.
Daniel looked at Lukas with a penetrating gaze.
“I don't know.” Lukas clasped his chin with his thumb and index finger. ”The main thing is that she's nice and that I can have a good conversation with her.”
“And? You don't want anything else from her?”
“You're not curious at all.”
“I'm not.”
Now it was Lukas who had to grin.
In the next moment there was a short knock on the door and Anja stomped into the room.
“Do you have to just burst in like that?“ she hissed at Lukas.
“I knocked anyway,” she defended herself.
“Yes. And you pushed the door handle by the way.”
“Just lock it if you want to be undisturbed.”
“I wouldn't need to if everyone here would follow the rules of politeness. What do you want?”
“To ask you if you can lend me 20 marks.”
“Which I'll never get back.”
“Of course I'll give it back to you. Next week when I get my allowance.”
“Sorry to bother you,“ Daniel said, ‘but I have to go now.”
“Already?’ Lukas asked disappointedly.
“Unfortunately. Our trainer doesn't like to wait.” Daniel got up and passed Anja on his way to the door. He turned around to Lukas one more time. “Are you coming to Proxy with us tonight?”
“I'd like that. Will you pick me up?”
“Sure. At ten?”
“OK. See you at ten.”
“See you then. Ciao you two.”
“Bye,” came from Lukas. Anja just waved and gave Daniel a cheeky grin. As soon as he had left the room, she turned back to Lukas. ”And? Are you going to give me the money?”
“Only if you give it back to me by next Friday. Otherwise I'll charge you one mark interest per day.”
“Don't worry. I'll give it back to you soon. I promise.“ She smiled at her brother. Lukas took out his wallet and gave her the money.
“Thank you very much, little brother.” She turned around and walked towards the door.
“Don't always call me...” But she couldn't hear him anymore, because she had already disappeared out of the room and closed the door behind her. Lukas remained sitting on his bed for a moment and closed his eyes.
In a little more than three hours Daniel would pick him up. So there was still some time before styling for the evening. Lukas paused for a moment and opened his eyes again.
He went to one of the two cabinets, opened the door, put his old stuffed animals aside, took out a large stack of Mickey Mouse magazines and BRAVOs and put them on the floor. There it was – his diary. Hidden from the eyes of his curious relatives. Lukas took it out and sat down at his desk. He opened the red booklet and wrote:
Friday, 27.07.2001
Work was really shit again. Today not only my stupid colleagues, but also Müller, the shop owner, gave me a hard time. And all because I don't yet have the prices of some of those thousands and thousands of items in my head. At least today was the last day of work. Three weeks' vacation. Yay!
Lovely Daniel came to visit me at home. It's weird. But whenever I see him, my heart races like crazy. Oh dear. I'm really in love with him. Daniel is super sweet. And I think he likes me too. But does he feel the same way about me as I do about him? I doubt it. But on the other hand, he always looks at me so lovingly with his super sweet eyes. Maybe he has a crush on me too and is just as afraid of admitting it as I am.
Lukas closed his eyes and dreamt that Daniel gave him a very gentle kiss on his lips. He felt him gently stroking his hair. Lukas hugged him and held him very tightly. He kissed Daniel's neck tenderly and lovingly, inhaling his friend's scent deeply.
Lukas opened his eyes.
It's a shame it was only a dream. I really wish it would become reality.
He put the diary back in its hiding place and went downstairs to the kitchen, where his mother was preparing a salad.
“You can take the bread and sausage to the dining room,” she said.
“I'll do that.”
The dining and living rooms were in one large room. To the left, behind the door Lukas was just passing through, was the dining table with five chairs and a bench against the wall. On the opposite side was a cupboard for dishes. If you entered the room from the other door, you would be standing directly in the living room. Lukas's father was sitting on the couch watching some kind of news program. He must not be disturbed under any circumstances. As a small child, Lukas had dared to romp around loudly several times while his father was watching something important on TV. Every time, his butt met his father's slippers. Sports and news - it had to be quiet as a mouse in the Binders' dining and living room. Lukas quietly set the table and disappeared back into the kitchen.
“Would you please go and get Anja. Dinner will be ready in five minutes,“ his mother said, pouring a little vinegar over the salad.
“I'll do it,” said Lukas. Shortly afterwards, he was standing outside Anja's room.
“Yes?” she called.
Lukas opened the door. Anja was sitting at her computer typing something. When he had finally saved enough money, he would buy himself one of those things. Anja didn't need to worry about that. Like so many things, she got the computer as a gift. Supposedly because she needed it for school.
“We're eating then.”
“OK. I'll be right there.”
Lukas closed the door and went back downstairs. Soon Lukas, his mother and father were sitting at the table. It took a while before Anja came into the room.
“If we were all on time, we could start on time,“ murmured Lukas's father.
“Sorry. But I really wanted to finish this one e-mail.” Anja sat down at her place.
“As if you couldn't do that after dinner, too.“ He glared at his daughter through his glasses.
“Do you have to argue now?” her mother interjected. “We're eating now.”
“Exactly,” Lukas mumbled.
The four of them ate their supper in silence for the next few minutes.
“It's a mess,“ Lukas's father announced when they had finished eating.
“What is?” Lukas's mother asked him.
“The fact that these homos are now allowed to get married. I'd rather put them in a labor camp. That would cure them of their unnatural urges.”
Lukas said nothing. A queasy feeling spread in his stomach.
Once again, his father had made it clear that he hated gays, and indirectly, him too.
“Well, I think it's okay,“ Anja said.
“Listen to her,” her father said, looking around at them. “Now she's defending these perverts, too.”
“Dad's right. It's good that our village community is spared this filth. Sodom and Gomorrah prevail in the big cities anyway,“ said Lukas' mother.
“You're really intolerant.” Angrily, Anja got up from the table and stomped outside.
“Cheeky child. If I'd been like that earlier, then...”
“Leave her to Horst. She'll understand us when she's a little older.”
Lukas still sat silently at his place and didn't dare to move. Only after his father had retreated to the living room and his mother had cleared away the plates and leftovers did he dare to get up. He crept to his room and sat down at his desk. He knew that his father was not particularly tolerant, but that his mother would also join in was new to him. Lukas tried to organize his thoughts. Mom and Dad were both against him, against his feelings. Anja, on the other hand, apparently supported gays and lesbians. He hadn't thought her capable of that. But he feared that she was only pretending to be tolerant. If she knew that her brother was also gay, she might forget her open-minded attitude. Once again, he had doubts about whether it would be wise to tell Daniel how he felt. What if he too were disgusted and turned away from him?
Lukas got up and put 'The Immaculate Collection' by Madonna on the CD player. The first few bars of 'Holiday' played. Exactly, a holiday. He wanted to enjoy it and not always have to think of something negative. After all, no one was forcing him to tell Daniel. Lukas lay down on his bed and read a 'Lustiges Taschenbuch'. He got up shortly before nine and went to the bathroom.
After an unusually short shower for him, he dried himself off, got dressed and stood in front of the full-length mirror. Would Daniel like him in these white trousers and black T-shirt?
Lukas was just styling his short dark blond hair with gel when the doorbell rang. He quickly tweaked a few strands into place and went downstairs.
“Lukas,” his mother called. ”Daniel is here to pick you up. He's waiting outside.”
“I already figured that out.“ Lukas opened the living room door to say goodbye to his father.
“Where are you going?”
“To the disco.”
“Don't stay out too late. You're only 16 and we're responsible for you.”
“Mhm. Bye.” Lukas closed the door.
“Bye, Mom.”
“Bye. Have fun.”
“Thanks.”
Daniel was leaning casually against his 80s. He looked simply stunning. The white, tight-fitting fine-ribbed T-shirt provided a great contrast to his black, short-cropped hair. He was also wearing dark, tight-fitting jeans and matching black shoes.
“Ready?”
“In a minute.” Lukas put on his jacket, put on his helmet and took a seat on the passenger seat of Daniel's moped. ”Now.”
Daniel closed the zipper on his jacket, put on his helmet and started the engine. The drive to Neuburg took almost half an hour, but Lukas felt that it could have taken much longer.
There was already a line at the entrance to Proxy, the biggest nightclub within a 50-kilometer radius. It took a few minutes before Lukas and Daniel could pay the 5-mark entrance fee and hand over their helmets and jackets.
The thumping music could already be heard. After walking a few meters down the hallway, they stood in the dimly lit dance temple, which was repeatedly briefly illuminated by strobe and laser lights. The techno music was so loud that any conversation could only take place using sign language.
Lukas didn't particularly like this part of Proxy. He didn't like the music and he was too cowardly to dance. He stood there undecided, looking from one pretty boy to the next. Daniel had apparently met an acquaintance, with whom he tried to converse. When the guy left, Lukas nudged Daniel on the shoulder and pointed in the direction of a large, black sliding door. Daniel nodded and they went into a comparatively bright hall, where the music was reduced to a tolerable level. Lukas liked the music better here than in the disco area. They were just playing one of Lukas's favorite hits: “La Passion” by Gigi D'Agostino.
“Finally, we can talk.”
“I know you don't like it in there.” Daniel grinned broadly. ”But if you would dance, then...”
“Yeah, yeah. I just don't like it. And the music in the disco is not to my taste either.”
“You'd rather say you don't dare. But the only place you'll meet a girl is on the dance floor.”
As if I want that.
“You don't have one yet either,“ Lukas replied. Fortunately.
“Maybe it will work out today,” said Daniel. “There's a free table over there. Come on.”
They hadn't been sitting for long when a waitress approached them and asked if they wanted something to drink. Daniel said yes and everyone ordered a coke.
They were just talking about their plans for the next week when two girls asked if there was room at their table.
“Sure,“ Daniel said.
“Mhm.” Lukas nodded morosely.
Oh dear. The girl from last week. This can't be good.
“Now I recognize you. You're the one who...”
“Lukas,” he completed.
“Oh God. How could I forget such a sweet name,“ the blonde girl squealed, grinning at Lukas incessantly.
Hopefully she'll leave soon.
“By the way, my name is Katja,” she breathed.
“Aha. Nice to meet you.”
Phew. In a moment I'll have to listen to her chatter.
While the other girl monopolized Daniel and told him something apparently terribly important, Katja moved closer and closer to Lukas. He lost his senses, she smelled so strongly of perfume. She kept her mouth open and apparently didn't want to stop telling him things that didn't interest him at all.
“Shall we go outside and dance?“ asked the dark-haired girl sitting next to Daniel.
“Oh yeah,” Katja shouted.
“Fine by me,” said Lukas.
At least then I won't have to listen to her cackling anymore.
Lukas was shocked when the other girl took Daniel by the hand and led him. He had the impression that Daniel was only too happy to comply. Was he straight after all? The evening went from bad to worse.
Katja smiled at him and clasped his hands in her wet, warm little hands. Even when they had long since arrived at the big disco, she made no move to take her grip on Lukas away. He just thought it was gross, but didn't resist. Katja dragged him straight to the dance floor.
She let him go and moved wildly to the beat of the music. She stared at Lukas the whole time. He was extremely uncomfortable in his skin. He stood in the midst of twitching bodies. All eyes were surely on him. He anxiously looked for Daniel so that he could hold on to him in his thoughts. But he couldn't find him. Instead, Katja was trying to attract Lukas's attention with extensive movements, but he wasn't interested at all. He only wanted one thing – to get off the dance floor and disappear somewhere. But to do that, he would have had to push past a crowd of dancing people first. Finally, he spotted Daniel. However, Daniel was too preoccupied with himself to see him. The sight of his friend encouraged Lukas to stay on the dance floor a little longer. He thought it was stunning how gracefully Daniel moved to the beat of the music. Lukas stared at his friend as if spellbound. But Katja was already blocking his view again. She intrusively danced up to Lukas, coming within a few centimeters of him. He found it too stupid. He pushed past her and pushed himself to the edge of the dance floor. However, he didn't have time to rest, because Katja took him by the hand again.
Does she never let go?
“Let's go to the disco cafe?“ He shouted in her ear.
“What?” Katja moved her ear closer to Lukas' mouth.
“I want out!” He shouted and pushed his way past the crowd, Katja in tow.
“Don't you like the music? Or why were you in such a hurry to get back to the chill out area?”
“I'm tired and thirsty.”
“Me too. Hey, there seems to be a free table over there.”
“Then let's go there before someone else snatches the place up.”
While they were sitting there, he suddenly felt her hand on his thigh. She stroked down to his knees.
“Stop it!”
“What?” Katja looked shocked. ”I thought you liked it.”
“No. I don't like it at all.”
“But, but. You think I'm nice, don't you?”
“Yes. Nice, sure. But you have to understand. I don't want anything from you. Hey. You don't have to cry about it.”
“Me? I'm not crying,” she sniffed.
“I'm sorry, Katja. But I'm not the right guy for you.”
“How do you know? We're not even together yet.”
“I...”
“Hello, you two. Is there any room in there?“ Daniel grinned broadly at Lukas.
“If we move together closely.”
“And? What did you think?” Daniel asked his friend.
“What?”
“Dancing.”
“It was okay. But it'll take years before I'm as good as you.”
“Danny, I'm thirsty,” the black-haired girl said.
Danny is what she calls him. That random chick.
“Sure, Sandy. What do you want?”
Sure, darling. I'll do anything you want. *(censored)*
Katja smiled at Lukas and tried to engage him in conversation. He replied with a few “yeses” and “mhmms” while looking suspiciously over at Daniel and this Sandy. Both looked into each other's eyes and whispered something.
Lukas just thought it was awful the way Sandy was flirting with Daniel. Daniel couldn't possibly be aware of what he was doing. He certainly wasn't in control of his senses. He couldn't just fall in love with a girl.
Slowly their heads moved towards each other and their mouths merged into a passionate French kiss.
That was too much for Lukas. He jumped up and ran away. It was only when he was outside in the fresh air that he calmed down again. After a few deep breaths, he went to one of the taxis and let himself be driven home. When he had paid the taxi driver, he realized that he had forgotten his helmet and his jacket. Unfortunately, his house key was in the jacket. So he had no choice but to ring the doorbell and face the wrath of his mother or father. Anja wouldn't open the door anyway.
It took a while before his mother opened the door for him.
“Do you know what time it is?“ Her voice sounded irritated.
“I forgot my jacket at the disco. And my key was in it,” Lukas explained.
“Typical. Next time you'll forget your head.”
“Sorry, but...”
“Yes, yes. All right.” His mother turned around and walked away.
Lukas trudged to his room. He wondered if he should write another diary entry. But he decided to sleep on the bad events of the day first.
What had happened? Surely nothing out of the ordinary. It was to be expected that Daniel would eventually laugh at a girl. Lukas wondered how he could be so stupid as to hope that Daniel was gay too. Daniel – what he thought of him now. He had stormed out of the disco as if a wild beast were chasing him. What should he say to him if he were to bring it up? That he had fallen in love with his best friend and was insanely jealous of him?
Lukas wondered what Daniel and this Sandy were doing at the moment. Were they already having sex with each other? Sex in the bed in which he and Lukas had sat together so often. In the bed that appeared so frequently in his dreams...
It was almost eleven when Lukas woke up. Sleepily, he rubbed his eyes and dozed for a few more minutes before he managed to leave the cozy bed. After showering and getting dressed, he went down to the kitchen.
On the table, he found a note:
“Hi Lukas!
We went to Landshut for shopping.
We won't be back until late this afternoon.
Make yourself something to eat from the freezer.
Mom.
“Aha.”
After he had breakfast, he went up to his room to write an entry in his diary.
Saturday, 07/28/2001
Went to Proxy with Daniel yesterday. I wish I hadn't. It was crappy. Daniel was making out with some chick. And I always thought he might be gay. Wrong – Daniel is straight.
Why does m y Daniel have to be straight?
I couldn't stand the sight of them making out any longer and fled. Like a little kid. Idiotic. I also forgot my jacket and helmet.
Lukas closed the booklet and hid it again. He went to one of the two CD racks and thought about what he would like to listen to now. He decided on “The Bridge” by “Ace of Base”. Just as he put it in the CD player, the doorbell rang.
Daniel. was his first thought.
He was right. It was actually Daniel.
“Hello.”
“Hello.”
“You forgot something yesterday.“ There was a hint of a grin on Daniel's face. ‘Here.’ He handed him the black and white Nike jacket and the red motorcycle helmet.
“Thanks.” Lukas took the things from him. “Do you want to come in?”
“Lukas, what's wrong with you?”
“What should be wrong?”
“Come on. You know exactly what I mean.”
“Because of yesterday? I didn't feel well somehow and...”
“You just ran away without saying anything. Man, Lukas. What got into you yesterday?”
Lukas shrugged his shoulders and looked past Daniel into the distance.
“You weren't jealous of me because of Sandy?”
“No, no.“ I was jealous of you, he added in his mind.
“But you had no reason to be. That Katja is a sweet girl too.” Daniel grinned broadly at Lukas.
“Well, I guess so.”
“You don't want to tell me why you ran away?” Daniel looked Lukas deep in the eyes. It wouldn't have taken much for Lukas to burst into tears, fall around Daniel's neck and confess his love to him. But he was able to control himself. ‘Not yet,’ he whispered.
“As you wish.”
“Wouldn't you rather come in before we stand here between the door and the hinge?” Lukas asked in a firm voice.
“Unfortunately, I don't have any more time. I still have to stop by Johannes' and help him fix his 80s.”
“If you tackle it, it'll work. When my moped breaks down, you just have to look at it and it's purring again.” Lukas grinned from ear to ear.
“There's never anything major wrong with it.” Daniel smiled at his friend. This gentle, loving smile finally melted the ice that had formed around Lukas last night. Lukas was happy. He beamed from ear to ear.
“Do you feel like going swimming today? I heard it's going to be almost thirty degrees.”
“You bet I feel like it. Are we going to Laberweiher?”
“How did you come up with that?” Daniel looked deep into Lukas's eyes, which also tempted little Lukas to stretch curiously. It was lucky that Lukas was wearing jeans, so that no one could see his excitement from the outside.
“No wonder. It's our local pond.”
“Three o'clock then?”
“All right.”
“See you then. Bye.”
“Bye.”
As Daniel drove away, Lukas kept looking after him until he could no longer see him. He wondered why he had been so angry with Daniel yesterday. Maybe he just wanted to see what it was like with a girl, so that he could then finally decide to love a boy.
In his room, he pressed play on the CD player and “Beautiful Life” sounded. He turned down the volume, lay down in bed, closed his eyes and dozed off...
It was half past two when he looked at his watch the next time. The CD had already ended.
I fell asleep after all.
Lukas stretched his limbs, yawned heartily and got up. He put a towel, two swimming trunks and a sun cream in his rucksack. He did a little business in the bathroom, combed his wild hair and went down to the kitchen. There he prepared some sausage and cheese sandwiches for his lunch and put them and a bottle of Adelholzener mineral water in his rucksack. He locked it, went to the garage and pushed his moped onto the driveway. A push of a button was enough to close the fully automatic gate again. Lukas put on his helmet, started his bike and drove off. First, he had to drive across Wildberg before turning left at the end of the village onto a country road. A few kilometers further on, he had to turn again – to the right onto a dirt road. It wasn't long before he parked his moped at a small hill. Only a meadow about 50 meters wide now separated him from the Laberweiher. It ran around the entire lake. To his right were a few rustic trees and bushes. This place was Daniel and Lukas' secret hideout until last year. Lukas had often imagined making out or doing something even hotter there. Behind the opposite shore stretched a long mixed forest. On the other three sides, the lake was embedded in fallow fields. An idyllic spot on earth. Nevertheless, only a few people came here to take a refreshing dip. Maybe the lake was too unknown because it was far away from the villages, or maybe the people in the area had other things to do than to have fun. On some days, Lukas and Daniel were alone at the pond. It seemed to be the same on this day.
Lukas spread out his blanket, undressed, and put on his swimming trunks. Then he applied sunscreen to himself. He smiled as he recalled the last time he had been here at the Laberweiher, when Daniel had massaged his back with very warm, super-tender hands. Lukas wondered if Daniel had noticed that he had become very tight in his swimming trunks during this massage. Lukas thought it was a shame that he had never been allowed to apply cream to Daniel. Sometimes it seemed to him as if Daniel couldn't get the cream on his back fast enough himself. Was he uncomfortable about being touched by Lukas on his naked skin? Maybe he wanted to be, but was afraid of the feelings that might be triggered in him. Hope germinated in Lukas that Daniel might be in love with him after all.
Lukas heard a moped approaching. Soon after, it was quiet again and only the chirping of birds could be heard. The next moment, he saw Daniel standing on the hillside, smiling at him. Daniel raised his hand in greeting. “Sorry it took a little longer,” he called to him, “but I had to pick up Sandy first.”
At that moment she stepped out from behind Daniel. “Hello, Lukas.”
What's she doing here?
“Hello,” he greeted her back. He didn't feel like smiling anymore. “I'm going in for a swim.”
“We'll be right behind you,” he heard Daniel say.
Lukas walked into the cold water up to his waist, jumped in head first and dived under. He wanted to get away from the couple behind him as quickly as possible. Lukas didn't feel like seeing his friend flirt with that girl. It wasn't until he had swum quite a distance, about halfway across the lake, that he dared to take a quick look behind him. Sandy was just putting lotion on Daniel. Why was she allowed to do that and he wasn't?
To forget his annoyance, he sped up and swam to the other side, where he arrived completely exhausted. Breathing heavily, he got out of the water and sat down on the grass. Daniel and Sandy still hadn't come into the lake. What were they talking about? Lukas thought he recognized kissing. His hopes that Daniel might also be gay were fading more and more. Lukas perceived his surroundings only vaguely. A veil of tears had settled over his vision. He rubbed his eyes with his fists. Disconsolate, he waded back into the water. He hoped to get his mind off things by swimming. Lukas had almost crossed the lake when he came across Daniel and Sandy. They greeted him and swam past him. Lukas left the cool water and dried himself off. He watched the two suspiciously as they teased each other. Lukas would have loved to be in Sandy's shoes right now. To distract himself, he unwrapped his sandwiches and ate one of them. Lukas stared at the grass and the shore of the lake. After he had drunk almost half the bottle of mineral water, he turned around to the hillside and lay down on his stomach. After a while, he heard splashing and the voices of Daniel and Sandy behind him.
“That felt good,” he heard Daniel say.
“A refreshing swim like that is really something.”