07-10-2025, 01:01 PM
Conventions become a burden
when they stand in the way of honesty,
show the feelings you have for the other,
even if the philistines turn their heads.
(Eugen Balanskat, The Skeptics)
“This is moral degeneration,” the words of my best friend Paul still rang in my ears when he caught me kissing Dirk. We had been particularly careful and had deliberately sought out a secluded spot near the schoolyard. We hadn't come out yet and didn't plan to change that, at least not for the time being. Our environment seemed far too conservative for them to understand that being gay isn't something perverse. I was also far too afraid of becoming even more of an outsider in my class. Since I don't follow the masses, I'm considered an eccentric who is ignored by most.
Since I'm also quite shy and need quite a long time before I even talk to someone, I have only a few friends. And I don't want to lose them by coming out. Although I do believe that most of them would take it positively, I haven't dared to do so so far. I'm just too shy, and somehow I also lack the necessary self-confidence to say: Hey, I'm gay, and I don't care what you think about it. It's my life and I live it the way I want.
Before I go on, a few words about me. My name is Martin and, as you can probably guess, I'm gay. It wasn't hard to guess, given how the story started here. No one knows yet except for my friend, which I initially wanted to keep it that way. As already mentioned, I'm much too shy and I'm much too afraid of a coming out that backfires. Besides, I didn't see why I should admit that I like boys. A hetero doesn't have to say, “Hey guys, I like girls.”
Now back to my profile, so you know who you're dealing with. I'm 16 years old, about 1.86 m tall, with short blonde hair and green eyes. Although I don't do any sports, I'm pretty slim. So I'm pretty happy with my body. When it comes to sports, I'm like the former British Prime Minister with “No sports”; I'm just too lazy to do it. However, I'd rather do without smoking. I tried it once, like probably just about every teenager. But I didn't like it and the next morning I felt sick. So I preferred to leave it, it also saves a lot of money and I don't have that much pocket money anyway.
While I'm introducing myself, I'd like to say a few words about my sweetheart, Dirk. He goes to the same school as me and is also 16. He is a little shorter than me, 1.80 m, with light brown, medium-length hair and beautiful dark brown eyes. He is in better physical shape because he plays soccer. He has often tried to persuade me to go with him. But it's just not for me, twenty men running after a ball and two standing in front of a net to prevent it from landing in it. No, that's not for me. Even the prospect of being able to watch naked guys in the shower wasn't tempting. I have my sweetheart now and I'm not giving him up. So no adventures with other guys.
Dirk and I got to know each other better during a skiing trip. “What's he doing on a skiing trip when he can't stand sports?” the reader will now ask. Well, the skiing trip was compulsory at school and I had to go with the flow. Well, I survived it to some extent. The whole class took part in this leisure activity and one evening we were sitting together quite comfortably. Somehow I got into a conversation with Dirk, I had already noticed him before and I liked him, I was probably a little bit in love with him. But I would never have dared to talk to him just like that. But now the mood was relaxed, I had already drunk a beer when I just spoke to him. I just sat down with him, because I had decided to finally talk to him during this vacation. I had to gain something positive from this skiing vacation.
It quickly turned out that Dirk and I had many interests in common. The conversation was quite long and intense. When we were alone, we came to the topic of girlfriend and he told me that he had none and didn't want one either. He also told me that he thought I was pretty nice. I was on cloud nine: the boy of my dreams was telling me that he didn't want a girlfriend and that he thought I was great. I grew bolder and told him that I also found him very likeable and that I wasn't against girls either. I went a step further and said that I had fallen in love with him. At first I couldn't look him in the eye because I was afraid that he didn't feel the same way about me as I did about him or that he even rejected me. What's the point of that now, Dirk said that he likes me? Yes, but as I already mentioned, I'm not only extremely shy, self-confidence is also a foreign word for me.
After a pause, which seemed endless to me, Dirk replied that he felt the same way about me. We drew closer and our mouths united in a kiss that was first hesitant and then really passionate. I had always looked forward to this moment, to kissing Dirk, who is my dream. Now it had finally come true, I was allowed to take him in my arms and kiss him. But nothing more happened, firstly we were much too tired and secondly we wanted to be a bit careful. We didn't want anyone to find out about our little secret. It was a shame that we slept in different rooms. Otherwise, maybe more would have happened back then. What, that's left to the (dirty) imagination of the readers.
Well, since that evening we have been a couple and happy. Only no one knows about our relationship. In the rather conservative environment of our school and our town, this seemed better that way. But now it was out, my best friend Paul had found out about our little secret. Unfortunately, his reaction was not what I had expected. I guess I was wrong about that. I just hoped that he wouldn't broadcast the whole thing to the whole class.
I didn't really care, I hardly have any friends in the class anyway and I'm considered an outsider anyway. Let them think what they want about me, I'll do what I want. But it wasn't just about me, Dirk was also involved. I didn't want him to be labeled an outsider because of me. Because, unlike me, he was on good terms with many of his classmates. Besides, we wanted to decide for ourselves whether and when we would come out. It was now too late for that; we could only hope that Paul would quickly recover from the “shock” and not tell everyone what “disgusting” things we had done. The bell rang, the break was (unfortunately) over and we went back to our classrooms.
“It'll be okay somehow, my darling,” Dirk whispered in my ear. ‘I hope so,’ I sounded, not particularly confident.
Well, I wonder if God has a problem with it? Actually, I don't think so. He supposedly sees everything and, as believers claim, he created everything on earth. That means, according to this theory, he must have created gays as well. Consequently, he shouldn't have a problem with homosexuality either.
While I'm philosophizing (which I like to do from time to time), let's move on to another “standard argument” used by gay haters. Homosexuality is supposedly against nature. I don't think so, because gays are a part of humanity. This in turn is a part of nature, so gays can't actually be unnatural. However, why homosexuality exists has not yet been explained. So being gay is by no means something “against nature,” as reactionary Christians, Nazis and other conservatives repeatedly try to convince us.
There was my problem again. I was fine with being gay; it was just a part of me. I probably would have stood by it if someone had asked me about it. But somehow I'm also afraid of being rejected if someone knows that I'm gay. And this, even though I don't really depend on the opinions of others and live my life the way I want to. I just can't explain it, that's just the way it is. But I'm happy to be enlightened, anyone who knows something can write to me.
After this brief mental excursion, I returned to reality, and that meant class. I didn't want to run into Paul before class and waited until no one was left in the courtyard before I went back into the school building. I hoped that despite his horror, he hadn't gossiped about it right away. When I entered the classroom, it was actually business as usual; no one took any notice of me. Paul had kept my little secret to himself, so I was lucky. I quickly went to my seat, which was next to Paul's. However, he ignored me when I sat down.
“I need to talk to you about what you saw earlier,” I whispered to him.
“Leave me alone!“ He replied, slightly irritated. ‘And keep your hands to yourself!’
As if I had ever fumbled with him. Paul was my best friend, but not necessarily someone I would fall in love with. He lacked that certain something.
”Nevertheless, I have to talk to you, after all, we are best friends and can talk about anything,” I replied.
“Let me, you fag, our friendship is over,“ Paul replied, visibly annoyed and a little louder. I just hope that no one has realized that I'm gay, that would be the end.
”But, I thought...” I started a new attempt, but didn't get far because our German teacher, Mr. Weiler, entered the classroom just at that moment.
“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, I see you are already looking forward to today's lesson, 'The Rider on the White Horse' by Theodor Storm. I hope you have all read the book,” Mr. Weiler greeted us as per usual. Uuääh, German, that's all I need in my situation right now. It has always been one of my least favorite subjects. I just didn't feel like reading novels, nor did I particularly care about them.
I wanted to make another attempt to start a conversation with Paul when I just barely caught our teacher saying, “Well, who of you can briefly summarize the content of ‘The Rider on the White Horse’ for me?” I saw some of them raise their hands, but I always made myself particularly small in such situations, hoping to be overlooked.
“Oh, I think Martin would be happy to do that, wouldn't you?” Shit, now this too. It wasn't enough that Paul was acting hostile towards me, it just wasn't enough. Now I was supposed to deliver a summary of a book that, as always, I hadn't read. Unfortunately, I had also forgotten to look for a summary on the internet. Shit happens, so the day continued to suck.
“Um, well, The Rider on the White Horse is about, um, um, I mean, Theodor Storm deals with the story of, um...” I stammered to myself. Paul, sitting next to me, grinned maliciously. As a ‘German fan’, he knew exactly what was going on, but he didn't want to help a fag.
Until yesterday, he would have helped me, as he always had in the past, when I didn't know what to say. He would quietly prompt me what to say. In return, I helped him in math and physics, where I was particularly good. But since my involuntary outing, he was upset and didn't help me. My lack of knowledge was revealed and I got a six. The rest of the lesson went without further incident, and I went back to thinking. Why can't Paul handle the fact that I'm gay? Is that such a bad thing? I would have thought he was more tolerant. I was still wondering how I could talk to him. Maybe then he would understand me.
Unfortunately, the German lesson took a little longer and as soon as Mr. Weiler left the room, our religion teacher, Mrs. Reuther, came in. Another subject I couldn't get used to. Not that there aren't some interesting aspects to religions, but the fact that it was simply a matter of the official church's views and the catalogue of duties being reeled off without reflection made this lesson not for me. At least Ms. Reuther left me alone, I usually got the grade I had written in the paper.
“Today we will discuss the topic of love. What does the Bible say about it and what forms of expression are there?” my religion teacher opened her lesson. Great, the topic fits like a fist on an eye, hopefully someone won't bring up the topic of homosexuality. Hopefully Paul will keep his mouth shut, but I'm not so sure.
At first, Ms. Reuther quoted some passages from the Bible, but I didn't pay attention, I was too afraid that my little secret would be revealed. The lesson moved inexorably in a dangerous direction, and we arrived at the expressions of love. Of course, the topic of sexuality also came up.
"God created them so that man and woman can have children together. This is the only purpose of sexuality, therefore sex before marriage is not allowed,” came from the corner of the ‘model Christians.’ They dutifully go to church every Sunday, but in my opinion have not understood the true values of Jesus' teaching, such as tolerance and love for one's neighbor. It always amazes me what conservative, even reactionary views young people can have.
But the collected nonsense went even further. Normally I would have found it amusing, but now that Paul knew I was gay, it was slowly becoming dangerous.
"Especially these disgusting homosexuals, who are now pushing their way into the public everywhere, just live out their urges, that can't be in God's sense. After all, they can't produce children.”
“Right, I think these fags are disgusting too, they all need to be cured of their disease. Then God will take them back into his fold,” came the confirmation.
“Do you guys know why our dear Martin was so absent-minded at the hamlet earlier?” Paul now interjected. Shit, now it's over, the whole class will know in a moment. I buried my head in my hands, I didn't want to look my classmates in the eye. ”Martin was thinking less about Schimmelreiter and more about Pimmelreiter. He's one of those disgusting cocksuckers.”
“Well, well, I almost thought as much,” said the idiot Christoph. Others also started to badmouth me.
As I had feared, no one seemed to stand behind me. I felt quite alone. But I didn't want to be humiliated and suppressed my tears that had already formed. No, I didn't want to lose my composure, I didn't want to be seen as a whiner.
I don't know where I got the courage, but somehow I felt a strong urge to defend myself. Yes, defend, justify I did not want to. Why should I, I have not done anything bad. A heterosexual does not have to justify why she loves a woman. Only I as a gay man should that? No, I saw no reason to do so.
I went on the offensive instead; I wanted to refute these ridiculous arguments against gays. I was never really a great fighter for my own cause; I just lack self-confidence. But when there is injustice somewhere, then I stand up. And there was injustice here. I just couldn't let these unfounded prejudices against gays stand. My fighting spirit was awakened, I had overcome my fear. Now that everyone knew, I didn't care what happened. I was an outsider anyway, so from now on I'll just be a gay outsider as well.
“What's so bad about two people loving each other? Why does gender play such an important role in this? Shouldn't it be more important that you can fall in love at all?“ I went on the offensive.
”You fags can't have kids anyway,” came a standard argument from Christoph.
“God created man and woman to reproduce. 'Be fruitful and multiply' is also written in the Holy Scripture,” Mario added. With so much mental garbage, I was slowly getting worked up.
“Amen,” I said in the tone of a priest. ‘So you don't sleep with your girlfriend either, because you don't want a child yet. Oh, I'm sorry, you don't have one.’ Christoph was about to say something, but I cut him off and continued, ”Why can't I fall in love with a boy? What's so bad about two people loving each other?”
“It's against nature, gays can't reproduce.“
”You just said that, repeating it won't make your argument any better. Homosexuality has also been discovered in the animal world, so it is definitely in line with nature and not an expression of our supposedly corrupt times.”
“But it's a sin, God already punished gays in the Bible. But God is also just, he accepts anyone who abandons their unnatural behavior as his son again. There are therapies where you can be cured of your unnatural desires,” Mario still didn't give up.
“So leave God out of it, he can't defend himself here if you put the wrong words in his mouth.“
”That, that is blasphemy,” Mario interrupted me rather harshly.
“So who's being more blasphemous here, me or you, who just says something and cheekily claims that God said it or that it is his will, I don't know. But that's not the issue here either, this is about the fact that you simply can't or won't tolerate that being gay isn't a bad thing. Sometimes I get the feeling that it's mainly boys and men who have problems with gay people.”
You say I'm a problem
But the problem isn't me
It's you and your narrow minded sexuality
Given by the law, by the church and their holy hypocrisy
You don't like when two men kiss, but child pornography...
(Jochen, Across The Border)
I'd had enough of this nonsense, now I wanted to go one better and see how Christoph, Mario and co. reacted. Only one thing puzzled me, Paul remained silent the whole time. I definitely have to talk to him during the break. But now to my “dear” classmates from the idiot corner.
“Some people claim that men only have a problem with gays because they either see their masculinity threatened or are gay themselves. A 'real' man doesn't just talk in a proletarian way, drink and watch football, but has a woman to do the housework, cooking and washing for him. Because supposedly those aren't activities for a 'real' man.” I was surprised at myself, at what I was saying.
“I'm not a disgusting fag, I'm a real man,” Christoph said quite vehemently. “How dare you insinuate that I have something against cocksuckers just because I'm supposedly one myself? The thought of it alone is just disgusting. If I ever have a girlfriend, I'll help around the house, of course. Besides, I'm a real man, I don't need to prove that to anyone, I have girls at my feet. I could have anyone. Women just love real men like me.“
”Amen to that,” was my only comment. Mario also vehemently defended himself against my ‘accusations’.
But before they really exploded, I changed the subject and came back to the question of why we can't just tolerate the fact that two boys or even two girls can fall in love with each other. The most important thing is love. And both are very early Christian values, tolerance and charity. I looked around the class and some seemed to be thinking about my words, at least they no longer looked at me so disparagingly. I could also see agreement in some of their faces. So I wasn't completely alone after all. Whether I was right about that remained to be seen.
But first, Ms. Reuther, who had been listening the whole time, spoke. She had apparently not expected such a strong reaction, nor that I was gay. “That was very impressive, what you just said, Martin. I wouldn't have thought you capable of that,” she began. I now expected her to join the ranks of the ridiculous prejudices against gays, but surprisingly she did not. I must have misjudged my religion teacher. “Now we have strayed a bit from the original topic, but I found what you said very interesting. I have never looked at homosexuality that way,” Ms. Reuther continued.
“Now this fag has already infected Ms. Reuther. As far as I'm concerned, it's still perverse and needs to be treated,” came Christoph again. Well, I would have been surprised if something different had come out of it. ”The most important thing is love, isn't he sweet, our little cocksucker here? You want to know why I have something against fags? It's an illness. That's it. And it must be fought before others are infected.” He couldn't continue, the break bell ended the hour. Ms. Reuther gave us homework before she left the classroom.
Now I was curious to see how many people agreed with Christoph and the others and how many had no problems with gay people. I was quite nervous and looked at my notebook. I didn't want to look my classmates in the eye. After a short while of silence, I expected them to jump at me. But again, I was pleasantly surprised.
“That was really great.” ‘You showed a lot of courage.’ ‘Man, I wouldn't have thought you were capable of that.’ ‘You really showed character,’ I heard as comments. Some came up to me and congratulated me on my ‘talk.’ As a chronic outsider who no one pays attention to, I wasn't used to so much praise. My involuntary coming out had a positive side effect.
Most of them didn't have any problems with me being gay, as I had feared. Some girls were sad that they couldn't go out with me, but they could still live with it.
Many of them just hadn't had the courage to have a different opinion than the “bellwethers” from the idiot corner. But today I would have shown them that you can definitely express your own opinion. Besides, they had never really thought about gays.
Actually, I wanted to talk to Paul, but he had quickly retreated to the playground. So I went to the playground too, I had to find him and talk to him. But first I wanted to go to Dirk, I really wanted to tell him what had happened to me. When I stepped into the schoolyard, I saw him right away, my sunshine. He beamed at me, his smile was simply stunning. I melted away and gave him my most enchanting smile as well.
“Hi,” I greeted him. “Likewise,” he replied, “I see you're still alive. So it went well with Paul after all.”
“You were right, as you almost always are,” I smiled at my sweetheart. “But it almost went down the drain.”
“What happened?” Dirk wanted to know. ”Come on, let's talk in a quieter place, not everyone needs to know that we're gay. Even if it went well this time, there are still too many idiots around here.”
We went to a quiet corner of the schoolyard, nobody took any notice of us, so Christoph, Mario and Co. hadn't started telling everyone what kind of “disgusting characters” were hanging around at our oh-so-noble educational institution. But I feared that it wouldn't take long.
When we were in a quieter corner, I told Dirk what had just happened in religion class.
“I told you it would be okay,” Dirk tried to dispel my doubts.
"But I still don't know if Paul will be able to handle it. And the idiot crew won't keep quiet for long.”
“Now don't look at everything so negatively. It's gone well so far. And there will always be idiots who can't handle it,” Dirk tried to cheer me up. He grinned cheekily at me.
This had the effect of further brightening my just-negative mood. Dirk always managed to pull me out of my brooding phases. Sometimes I didn't know what I would do without him.
I almost kissed him, but I was still able to hold back. I didn't want to show my true feelings for Dirk here in public yet. Who knows what would have happened in the schoolyard then. Just look at this disgusting goings-on. What are these cocksuckers doing at our decent school? Or maybe there would have been positive reactions. I didn't want to try it out though, our class idiots would probably cause a “scandal” soon enough.
"Things will work out with Paul, just give him time. Maybe he just feels caught off guard. If he really is your best friend, he'll continue to stand by you. So, buck up, big guy, it'll be okay.”
“Well, I hope so.” I said goodbye to my sweetheart and looked around for Paul. He was sitting alone a little way off. Good, then I could talk to him undisturbed.
when they stand in the way of honesty,
show the feelings you have for the other,
even if the philistines turn their heads.
(Eugen Balanskat, The Skeptics)
“This is moral degeneration,” the words of my best friend Paul still rang in my ears when he caught me kissing Dirk. We had been particularly careful and had deliberately sought out a secluded spot near the schoolyard. We hadn't come out yet and didn't plan to change that, at least not for the time being. Our environment seemed far too conservative for them to understand that being gay isn't something perverse. I was also far too afraid of becoming even more of an outsider in my class. Since I don't follow the masses, I'm considered an eccentric who is ignored by most.
Since I'm also quite shy and need quite a long time before I even talk to someone, I have only a few friends. And I don't want to lose them by coming out. Although I do believe that most of them would take it positively, I haven't dared to do so so far. I'm just too shy, and somehow I also lack the necessary self-confidence to say: Hey, I'm gay, and I don't care what you think about it. It's my life and I live it the way I want.
Before I go on, a few words about me. My name is Martin and, as you can probably guess, I'm gay. It wasn't hard to guess, given how the story started here. No one knows yet except for my friend, which I initially wanted to keep it that way. As already mentioned, I'm much too shy and I'm much too afraid of a coming out that backfires. Besides, I didn't see why I should admit that I like boys. A hetero doesn't have to say, “Hey guys, I like girls.”
Now back to my profile, so you know who you're dealing with. I'm 16 years old, about 1.86 m tall, with short blonde hair and green eyes. Although I don't do any sports, I'm pretty slim. So I'm pretty happy with my body. When it comes to sports, I'm like the former British Prime Minister with “No sports”; I'm just too lazy to do it. However, I'd rather do without smoking. I tried it once, like probably just about every teenager. But I didn't like it and the next morning I felt sick. So I preferred to leave it, it also saves a lot of money and I don't have that much pocket money anyway.
While I'm introducing myself, I'd like to say a few words about my sweetheart, Dirk. He goes to the same school as me and is also 16. He is a little shorter than me, 1.80 m, with light brown, medium-length hair and beautiful dark brown eyes. He is in better physical shape because he plays soccer. He has often tried to persuade me to go with him. But it's just not for me, twenty men running after a ball and two standing in front of a net to prevent it from landing in it. No, that's not for me. Even the prospect of being able to watch naked guys in the shower wasn't tempting. I have my sweetheart now and I'm not giving him up. So no adventures with other guys.
Dirk and I got to know each other better during a skiing trip. “What's he doing on a skiing trip when he can't stand sports?” the reader will now ask. Well, the skiing trip was compulsory at school and I had to go with the flow. Well, I survived it to some extent. The whole class took part in this leisure activity and one evening we were sitting together quite comfortably. Somehow I got into a conversation with Dirk, I had already noticed him before and I liked him, I was probably a little bit in love with him. But I would never have dared to talk to him just like that. But now the mood was relaxed, I had already drunk a beer when I just spoke to him. I just sat down with him, because I had decided to finally talk to him during this vacation. I had to gain something positive from this skiing vacation.
It quickly turned out that Dirk and I had many interests in common. The conversation was quite long and intense. When we were alone, we came to the topic of girlfriend and he told me that he had none and didn't want one either. He also told me that he thought I was pretty nice. I was on cloud nine: the boy of my dreams was telling me that he didn't want a girlfriend and that he thought I was great. I grew bolder and told him that I also found him very likeable and that I wasn't against girls either. I went a step further and said that I had fallen in love with him. At first I couldn't look him in the eye because I was afraid that he didn't feel the same way about me as I did about him or that he even rejected me. What's the point of that now, Dirk said that he likes me? Yes, but as I already mentioned, I'm not only extremely shy, self-confidence is also a foreign word for me.
After a pause, which seemed endless to me, Dirk replied that he felt the same way about me. We drew closer and our mouths united in a kiss that was first hesitant and then really passionate. I had always looked forward to this moment, to kissing Dirk, who is my dream. Now it had finally come true, I was allowed to take him in my arms and kiss him. But nothing more happened, firstly we were much too tired and secondly we wanted to be a bit careful. We didn't want anyone to find out about our little secret. It was a shame that we slept in different rooms. Otherwise, maybe more would have happened back then. What, that's left to the (dirty) imagination of the readers.
Well, since that evening we have been a couple and happy. Only no one knows about our relationship. In the rather conservative environment of our school and our town, this seemed better that way. But now it was out, my best friend Paul had found out about our little secret. Unfortunately, his reaction was not what I had expected. I guess I was wrong about that. I just hoped that he wouldn't broadcast the whole thing to the whole class.
I didn't really care, I hardly have any friends in the class anyway and I'm considered an outsider anyway. Let them think what they want about me, I'll do what I want. But it wasn't just about me, Dirk was also involved. I didn't want him to be labeled an outsider because of me. Because, unlike me, he was on good terms with many of his classmates. Besides, we wanted to decide for ourselves whether and when we would come out. It was now too late for that; we could only hope that Paul would quickly recover from the “shock” and not tell everyone what “disgusting” things we had done. The bell rang, the break was (unfortunately) over and we went back to our classrooms.
“It'll be okay somehow, my darling,” Dirk whispered in my ear. ‘I hope so,’ I sounded, not particularly confident.
Well, I wonder if God has a problem with it? Actually, I don't think so. He supposedly sees everything and, as believers claim, he created everything on earth. That means, according to this theory, he must have created gays as well. Consequently, he shouldn't have a problem with homosexuality either.
While I'm philosophizing (which I like to do from time to time), let's move on to another “standard argument” used by gay haters. Homosexuality is supposedly against nature. I don't think so, because gays are a part of humanity. This in turn is a part of nature, so gays can't actually be unnatural. However, why homosexuality exists has not yet been explained. So being gay is by no means something “against nature,” as reactionary Christians, Nazis and other conservatives repeatedly try to convince us.
There was my problem again. I was fine with being gay; it was just a part of me. I probably would have stood by it if someone had asked me about it. But somehow I'm also afraid of being rejected if someone knows that I'm gay. And this, even though I don't really depend on the opinions of others and live my life the way I want to. I just can't explain it, that's just the way it is. But I'm happy to be enlightened, anyone who knows something can write to me.
After this brief mental excursion, I returned to reality, and that meant class. I didn't want to run into Paul before class and waited until no one was left in the courtyard before I went back into the school building. I hoped that despite his horror, he hadn't gossiped about it right away. When I entered the classroom, it was actually business as usual; no one took any notice of me. Paul had kept my little secret to himself, so I was lucky. I quickly went to my seat, which was next to Paul's. However, he ignored me when I sat down.
“I need to talk to you about what you saw earlier,” I whispered to him.
“Leave me alone!“ He replied, slightly irritated. ‘And keep your hands to yourself!’
As if I had ever fumbled with him. Paul was my best friend, but not necessarily someone I would fall in love with. He lacked that certain something.
”Nevertheless, I have to talk to you, after all, we are best friends and can talk about anything,” I replied.
“Let me, you fag, our friendship is over,“ Paul replied, visibly annoyed and a little louder. I just hope that no one has realized that I'm gay, that would be the end.
”But, I thought...” I started a new attempt, but didn't get far because our German teacher, Mr. Weiler, entered the classroom just at that moment.
“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, I see you are already looking forward to today's lesson, 'The Rider on the White Horse' by Theodor Storm. I hope you have all read the book,” Mr. Weiler greeted us as per usual. Uuääh, German, that's all I need in my situation right now. It has always been one of my least favorite subjects. I just didn't feel like reading novels, nor did I particularly care about them.
I wanted to make another attempt to start a conversation with Paul when I just barely caught our teacher saying, “Well, who of you can briefly summarize the content of ‘The Rider on the White Horse’ for me?” I saw some of them raise their hands, but I always made myself particularly small in such situations, hoping to be overlooked.
“Oh, I think Martin would be happy to do that, wouldn't you?” Shit, now this too. It wasn't enough that Paul was acting hostile towards me, it just wasn't enough. Now I was supposed to deliver a summary of a book that, as always, I hadn't read. Unfortunately, I had also forgotten to look for a summary on the internet. Shit happens, so the day continued to suck.
“Um, well, The Rider on the White Horse is about, um, um, I mean, Theodor Storm deals with the story of, um...” I stammered to myself. Paul, sitting next to me, grinned maliciously. As a ‘German fan’, he knew exactly what was going on, but he didn't want to help a fag.
Until yesterday, he would have helped me, as he always had in the past, when I didn't know what to say. He would quietly prompt me what to say. In return, I helped him in math and physics, where I was particularly good. But since my involuntary outing, he was upset and didn't help me. My lack of knowledge was revealed and I got a six. The rest of the lesson went without further incident, and I went back to thinking. Why can't Paul handle the fact that I'm gay? Is that such a bad thing? I would have thought he was more tolerant. I was still wondering how I could talk to him. Maybe then he would understand me.
Unfortunately, the German lesson took a little longer and as soon as Mr. Weiler left the room, our religion teacher, Mrs. Reuther, came in. Another subject I couldn't get used to. Not that there aren't some interesting aspects to religions, but the fact that it was simply a matter of the official church's views and the catalogue of duties being reeled off without reflection made this lesson not for me. At least Ms. Reuther left me alone, I usually got the grade I had written in the paper.
“Today we will discuss the topic of love. What does the Bible say about it and what forms of expression are there?” my religion teacher opened her lesson. Great, the topic fits like a fist on an eye, hopefully someone won't bring up the topic of homosexuality. Hopefully Paul will keep his mouth shut, but I'm not so sure.
At first, Ms. Reuther quoted some passages from the Bible, but I didn't pay attention, I was too afraid that my little secret would be revealed. The lesson moved inexorably in a dangerous direction, and we arrived at the expressions of love. Of course, the topic of sexuality also came up.
"God created them so that man and woman can have children together. This is the only purpose of sexuality, therefore sex before marriage is not allowed,” came from the corner of the ‘model Christians.’ They dutifully go to church every Sunday, but in my opinion have not understood the true values of Jesus' teaching, such as tolerance and love for one's neighbor. It always amazes me what conservative, even reactionary views young people can have.
But the collected nonsense went even further. Normally I would have found it amusing, but now that Paul knew I was gay, it was slowly becoming dangerous.
"Especially these disgusting homosexuals, who are now pushing their way into the public everywhere, just live out their urges, that can't be in God's sense. After all, they can't produce children.”
“Right, I think these fags are disgusting too, they all need to be cured of their disease. Then God will take them back into his fold,” came the confirmation.
“Do you guys know why our dear Martin was so absent-minded at the hamlet earlier?” Paul now interjected. Shit, now it's over, the whole class will know in a moment. I buried my head in my hands, I didn't want to look my classmates in the eye. ”Martin was thinking less about Schimmelreiter and more about Pimmelreiter. He's one of those disgusting cocksuckers.”
“Well, well, I almost thought as much,” said the idiot Christoph. Others also started to badmouth me.
As I had feared, no one seemed to stand behind me. I felt quite alone. But I didn't want to be humiliated and suppressed my tears that had already formed. No, I didn't want to lose my composure, I didn't want to be seen as a whiner.
I don't know where I got the courage, but somehow I felt a strong urge to defend myself. Yes, defend, justify I did not want to. Why should I, I have not done anything bad. A heterosexual does not have to justify why she loves a woman. Only I as a gay man should that? No, I saw no reason to do so.
I went on the offensive instead; I wanted to refute these ridiculous arguments against gays. I was never really a great fighter for my own cause; I just lack self-confidence. But when there is injustice somewhere, then I stand up. And there was injustice here. I just couldn't let these unfounded prejudices against gays stand. My fighting spirit was awakened, I had overcome my fear. Now that everyone knew, I didn't care what happened. I was an outsider anyway, so from now on I'll just be a gay outsider as well.
“What's so bad about two people loving each other? Why does gender play such an important role in this? Shouldn't it be more important that you can fall in love at all?“ I went on the offensive.
”You fags can't have kids anyway,” came a standard argument from Christoph.
“God created man and woman to reproduce. 'Be fruitful and multiply' is also written in the Holy Scripture,” Mario added. With so much mental garbage, I was slowly getting worked up.
“Amen,” I said in the tone of a priest. ‘So you don't sleep with your girlfriend either, because you don't want a child yet. Oh, I'm sorry, you don't have one.’ Christoph was about to say something, but I cut him off and continued, ”Why can't I fall in love with a boy? What's so bad about two people loving each other?”
“It's against nature, gays can't reproduce.“
”You just said that, repeating it won't make your argument any better. Homosexuality has also been discovered in the animal world, so it is definitely in line with nature and not an expression of our supposedly corrupt times.”
“But it's a sin, God already punished gays in the Bible. But God is also just, he accepts anyone who abandons their unnatural behavior as his son again. There are therapies where you can be cured of your unnatural desires,” Mario still didn't give up.
“So leave God out of it, he can't defend himself here if you put the wrong words in his mouth.“
”That, that is blasphemy,” Mario interrupted me rather harshly.
“So who's being more blasphemous here, me or you, who just says something and cheekily claims that God said it or that it is his will, I don't know. But that's not the issue here either, this is about the fact that you simply can't or won't tolerate that being gay isn't a bad thing. Sometimes I get the feeling that it's mainly boys and men who have problems with gay people.”
You say I'm a problem
But the problem isn't me
It's you and your narrow minded sexuality
Given by the law, by the church and their holy hypocrisy
You don't like when two men kiss, but child pornography...
(Jochen, Across The Border)
I'd had enough of this nonsense, now I wanted to go one better and see how Christoph, Mario and co. reacted. Only one thing puzzled me, Paul remained silent the whole time. I definitely have to talk to him during the break. But now to my “dear” classmates from the idiot corner.
“Some people claim that men only have a problem with gays because they either see their masculinity threatened or are gay themselves. A 'real' man doesn't just talk in a proletarian way, drink and watch football, but has a woman to do the housework, cooking and washing for him. Because supposedly those aren't activities for a 'real' man.” I was surprised at myself, at what I was saying.
“I'm not a disgusting fag, I'm a real man,” Christoph said quite vehemently. “How dare you insinuate that I have something against cocksuckers just because I'm supposedly one myself? The thought of it alone is just disgusting. If I ever have a girlfriend, I'll help around the house, of course. Besides, I'm a real man, I don't need to prove that to anyone, I have girls at my feet. I could have anyone. Women just love real men like me.“
”Amen to that,” was my only comment. Mario also vehemently defended himself against my ‘accusations’.
But before they really exploded, I changed the subject and came back to the question of why we can't just tolerate the fact that two boys or even two girls can fall in love with each other. The most important thing is love. And both are very early Christian values, tolerance and charity. I looked around the class and some seemed to be thinking about my words, at least they no longer looked at me so disparagingly. I could also see agreement in some of their faces. So I wasn't completely alone after all. Whether I was right about that remained to be seen.
But first, Ms. Reuther, who had been listening the whole time, spoke. She had apparently not expected such a strong reaction, nor that I was gay. “That was very impressive, what you just said, Martin. I wouldn't have thought you capable of that,” she began. I now expected her to join the ranks of the ridiculous prejudices against gays, but surprisingly she did not. I must have misjudged my religion teacher. “Now we have strayed a bit from the original topic, but I found what you said very interesting. I have never looked at homosexuality that way,” Ms. Reuther continued.
“Now this fag has already infected Ms. Reuther. As far as I'm concerned, it's still perverse and needs to be treated,” came Christoph again. Well, I would have been surprised if something different had come out of it. ”The most important thing is love, isn't he sweet, our little cocksucker here? You want to know why I have something against fags? It's an illness. That's it. And it must be fought before others are infected.” He couldn't continue, the break bell ended the hour. Ms. Reuther gave us homework before she left the classroom.
Now I was curious to see how many people agreed with Christoph and the others and how many had no problems with gay people. I was quite nervous and looked at my notebook. I didn't want to look my classmates in the eye. After a short while of silence, I expected them to jump at me. But again, I was pleasantly surprised.
“That was really great.” ‘You showed a lot of courage.’ ‘Man, I wouldn't have thought you were capable of that.’ ‘You really showed character,’ I heard as comments. Some came up to me and congratulated me on my ‘talk.’ As a chronic outsider who no one pays attention to, I wasn't used to so much praise. My involuntary coming out had a positive side effect.
Most of them didn't have any problems with me being gay, as I had feared. Some girls were sad that they couldn't go out with me, but they could still live with it.
Many of them just hadn't had the courage to have a different opinion than the “bellwethers” from the idiot corner. But today I would have shown them that you can definitely express your own opinion. Besides, they had never really thought about gays.
Actually, I wanted to talk to Paul, but he had quickly retreated to the playground. So I went to the playground too, I had to find him and talk to him. But first I wanted to go to Dirk, I really wanted to tell him what had happened to me. When I stepped into the schoolyard, I saw him right away, my sunshine. He beamed at me, his smile was simply stunning. I melted away and gave him my most enchanting smile as well.
“Hi,” I greeted him. “Likewise,” he replied, “I see you're still alive. So it went well with Paul after all.”
“You were right, as you almost always are,” I smiled at my sweetheart. “But it almost went down the drain.”
“What happened?” Dirk wanted to know. ”Come on, let's talk in a quieter place, not everyone needs to know that we're gay. Even if it went well this time, there are still too many idiots around here.”
We went to a quiet corner of the schoolyard, nobody took any notice of us, so Christoph, Mario and Co. hadn't started telling everyone what kind of “disgusting characters” were hanging around at our oh-so-noble educational institution. But I feared that it wouldn't take long.
When we were in a quieter corner, I told Dirk what had just happened in religion class.
“I told you it would be okay,” Dirk tried to dispel my doubts.
"But I still don't know if Paul will be able to handle it. And the idiot crew won't keep quiet for long.”
“Now don't look at everything so negatively. It's gone well so far. And there will always be idiots who can't handle it,” Dirk tried to cheer me up. He grinned cheekily at me.
This had the effect of further brightening my just-negative mood. Dirk always managed to pull me out of my brooding phases. Sometimes I didn't know what I would do without him.
I almost kissed him, but I was still able to hold back. I didn't want to show my true feelings for Dirk here in public yet. Who knows what would have happened in the schoolyard then. Just look at this disgusting goings-on. What are these cocksuckers doing at our decent school? Or maybe there would have been positive reactions. I didn't want to try it out though, our class idiots would probably cause a “scandal” soon enough.
"Things will work out with Paul, just give him time. Maybe he just feels caught off guard. If he really is your best friend, he'll continue to stand by you. So, buck up, big guy, it'll be okay.”
“Well, I hope so.” I said goodbye to my sweetheart and looked around for Paul. He was sitting alone a little way off. Good, then I could talk to him undisturbed.