07-10-2025, 01:02 PM
“Have a good flight,“ the lady at the check-in desk with the Dutch accent smiled at me and pushed my boarding pass over the counter.
”Do you really have everything?“
”Yes, Mom!” And even if I had missed something, it would have been too late anyway. There were still 20 minutes left before boarding. We were running pretty late.
“And always put on plenty of sunscreen. The sun is dangerous down there!“
”Yes, Mom!“ I replied, slightly annoyed. After all, at 16, I was no longer a little kid.
”Now leave the boy alone. I think he can take care of himself quite well already,” my father came to my rescue. You could always rely on him. Thanks, Dad!
We strolled silently through Schiphol Airport towards customs. I felt a little queasy at the thought of not seeing my parents for the next 12 months.
When we arrived at customs, I put my hand luggage on the conveyor belt to the X-ray machine and looked at my parents. My mother's eyes were a little wet.
“All the best, son, and have fun. Take care.” My father gave me a big hug.
“Take care, come back safely,” my mother said, and did the same to my dad. ‘And bring us a handsome son-in-law,’ she added with a grin.
I had to smile. ‘Oh, Mom, you know that my taste in men doesn't necessarily match yours.’ My mom really likes long hair on men. Not really my thing.
“Too bad. Take care,“ my mother smiled at me.
”You too. I love you!” I replied and turned around. Lost in thought, I passed through customs.
I looked at my watch. 10 minutes left until boarding. A little disoriented, I looked for my gate. Why do airports always have to be so confusing?
Thanks to my disorientation, boarding was already in full swing when I finally reached my gate. To be precise, I was pretty much the last one to arrive. Well, at least I was still on time and finally made my way through the narrow aisle of the plane to my seat.
Once there, I pushed my backpack into the overhead compartment above me and let myself fall onto my seat, still a little lost in thought. How convenient, an aisle seat, at least I can stretch my legs, I thought just as my gaze fell on my neighbor on my right.
“Hi Chris, good to see you,” Benjamin smiled at me.
I squinted my eyes. This could only be a bad dream.
I opened my eyes, but Benjamin was still sitting there. “If there is a God, then I ask him: why?” it went through my mind. “Why him and then also here of all places?”
“Earth to Chris! I said: Hello, nice to see you!” Benjamin was still smiling.
“H... hello,” I stuttered. Hey, that went well. So, I could still make a perfect fool of myself.
“Well, you don't seem particularly happy to see me here,” Benjamin asked. No, I couldn't say that I was. After all, Benjamin was the main reason why I was so afraid of going to school in the morning for a while. Strangely enough, however, his question sounded more disappointed than sarcastic, as I would have expected.
“Can't say I disagree,” I snapped back, a little harder than I had intended. I had been looking forward to not having to endure all those idiots for the next 12 months. And now this. But anyway, a flight like that doesn't last forever. I should be able to ignore him for 12 hours with the help of a book.
“It's a shame, since we'll be together for the next 12 months...“
”What?“ I interrupted him. ‘You don't mean...’
”...I'm also taking part in the exchange project?” ‘Yes, that's exactly what I mean,’ he completed the sentence.
I slumped down in my seat and felt the tears well up in my eyes. Anything but that. The thought that he was planning the same thing as me hadn't occurred to me yet. But it was obvious. What else would he be doing on a plane to Kuala Lumpur at the beginning of the school year?
I turned my head to the side and fought back the tears. The last thing I needed was for him to see me like this. I had to sniffle briefly and shortly after that I felt a hand on my right shoulder.
“Chris, what's wrong?” Benjamin asked in a soft voice.
I turned to him abruptly and swept his hand off my shoulder.
“You know exactly what it is. Leave me alone!“ I hissed at him fiercely. An older lady on the other side of the aisle looked over at us with interest.
”Okay, okay,” Benjamin admitted somewhat meekly, although his expression darkened. He then turned away and stared out the window.
Refreshment tissues were handed out, the flight attendants gave some safety instructions and finally the plane was ready for takeoff. Unspectacular. I put the headphones of my Walkman into my ears, listened to the sounds of Rosenfels and thought.
Once again, I felt really bad.
I had always been a loner at school, but that had never been a particular problem for me. Until four years ago, when the classes were reshuffled and I met Benjamin. That's when the psychological terror began. It got so bad that I didn't dare go to school afterwards. And Benjamin was the leader, I was really afraid of him.
I then started swimming in the swimming club at some point and found a few good friends there. During this time, I gradually realized that I was gay, which initially led to my already weakened self-confidence taking an indefinite vacation. By a stupid coincidence (or my own stupidity, I had a crush on a swimming buddy, or whatever you might call it, and had stared at him a bit too clearly), it finally came out in my new circle of friends. But to my surprise, the reaction was consistently positive, my new friends supported and even motivated me to the point of coming out to my parents.
However, it turned out that my panic about telling my parents that I was gay was completely unjustified. “What exactly is your problem?” they asked. Nothing has changed; we still have a great relationship. My self-confidence decided to cut its vacation short and came back to me, at least partially. Only at school did no one know my little secret.
Half a year ago, I got my hands on a brochure about this exchange project for the first time. I was hooked immediately and my parents also thought it was a good idea, so they were willing to finance the story for me without hesitation.
I was happy. Just the thought of not having to see the idiots in my class for a whole year made me happy. My friends from the swimming club had organized a great farewell party and everything suddenly seemed so perfect.
Until I got on the plane and met Benjamin. All at once, I felt like I had been transported back four years.
I was annoyed with myself. Why did I have tears in my eyes again?
Did I really want to let some jerk ruin the chance of my life?
No!
But what could I do? We would be stuck with each other for the next 12 months, whether I liked it or not. So chronically ignoring him was not a solution.
What then?
At some point I fell asleep over my thoughts.
2
My neck hurt a little when dinner was served and I woke up. Benjamin was still sitting next to me, so it wasn't a dream. I decided to continue ignoring him for the time being, and so we sat in silence chewing our curry chicken.
He also made no effort to talk to me, which suited me just fine. So I finally immersed myself in my book and waited for the flight to finally come to an end. Scheduled flights are boring.
After what felt like an eternity and a mediocre breakfast, we finally arrived in Kuala Lumpur. I was just wandering through the huge satellite terminal, looking for a little entertainment for the next six hours of waiting for the connecting flight, when suddenly someone grabbed me from behind. Startled, I turned around. Benjamin.
"Hey Chris, wait up.”
“What do you want from me?“ I looked at him blankly and realized I was getting slightly aggressive.
”Come on, I'll buy you a beer or whatever,“ he said kindly.
”Thanks, I'm good!“ I snapped back, about to turn away again. But he held me.
”Please!” He almost begged. And he gave me this puppy-dog look that almost made me melt. Benjamin wasn't bad-looking, after all: 1.80 tall, slim and fit, deep blue eyes, a sweet face and that tousled, dark blond hair gelled up. No, in my opinion he wasn't bad-looking at all. But an asshole is an asshole.
“I don't know what the point of this is, but okay,” I agreed to his offer, still a little reluctantly.
A few minutes later, we found ourselves in a rather cozy bar on the upper level of the satellite terminal, each of us with a beer in front of us. By the way, ordering this had not been a problem for us 16-year-olds here. Trial and error.
Benjamin took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, lit one, and put the pack on the table.
“You don't mind, do you?” I asked as I reached for the pack.
“Of course not, but I didn't know you smoked,” he said in astonishment, giving me a light.
“I usually don't either. But there are situations...“ I replied.
”OK, I see. I know what you're getting at.“
”Oh yeah? Really?“ The cynicism in my voice would have been noticed by a deaf person.
”Hey, that's not fair now...” he complained.
“As if you've ever cared about what's fair,” I snapped back.
He looked at the floor. ‘I know.’ He hesitated and then added quietly, ‘And I'm sorry.’
I didn't know how to react. I wanted to tear him apart. But I took a deep breath, took a sip of my beer and remained silent.
After a moment, he looked in my direction, feeling insecure. Something was wrong here. I didn't buy the repentant sinner. What was this supposed to be? Was this a new, particularly subtle way to screw with me again and take away what little self-confidence I had left?
I looked into his eyes. To my amazement, I saw insecurity in them.
“OK, something's fishy here. So, what do you want?“ I finally asked him firmly after taking a nervous drag on my cigarette.
”I want to apologize to you. I treated you badly for a long time and I want to apologize for that and try a fresh start.” His voice trembled a little as he said this.
I was speechless. He imagined it all to be very simple. I had no idea how I should react. Should I yell at him now? Should I forgive him?
“Well?” He asked expectantly, yet uncertainly, holding out his hand. I hesitated. But would I be better than him if I rejected him now?
I took a last drag from my cigarette and stubbed it out. Then I took his hand, whereupon he smiled shyly and whispered, “Thank you!”
We looked at each other for a while in silence. I wasn't quite sure about the motives behind his sudden change of heart. Why? Was he just afraid of being thrown into a group of strangers alone?
“You don't trust me at all, do you?” he said, interrupting my thoughts. I took a deep gulp of my beer and looked at him.
“Right!“ I replied after putting the glass down again.
”I see. But you can, you'll find out.” Well, I was curious to see.
It was worth a try, because I had nothing to lose anyway. So I slowly began to engage with him a little, discovering some surprising similarities in our views. Whether it was about our teachers, classmates or whatever. I had the feeling that I was dealing with a completely different person than the Benjamin I knew. So the last hours waiting for the connecting flight, as well as the flight itself, were quite entertaining. We had a lot of fun together.
3
After another ten hours of flying, we finally reached Auckland. During the descent, we both squeezed our heads in front of the stamp-sized window in the airplane to catch a first glimpse of New Zealand. It was fascinating. So much green and so much water all around.
Immigration was unproblematic, and since we didn't have any food with us anyway, the sniffer dogs didn't find anything on us, of course. So about half an hour after landing, we stood a little disoriented with our travel bags at the exit of the customs control and wondered how to proceed. We decided to follow the crowd for now and shortly afterwards we arrived in the large arrivals hall, where a whole bunch of people were waiting with signs bearing the names of some schools or surnames.
I looked around a bit and finally spotted a tanned guy standing a little apart, holding a sign with “Capella” written on it. “Bingo,” I said and headed quickly for him, with Benjamin following me.
“Hi, you want to go to Capella?“ the tanned guy greeted us with a harsh, northern German accent when we finally stood in front of him.
”Yep, I'm Benjamin,” my comrade-in-arms took the initiative, to which I added a shy ”And I'm Chris.”
“Nice, I'm Tjard. We're still waiting for four other guys who must have been on the plane with you. Then we'll leave. OK?"
Benjamin and I nodded in sync. ”Of course.”
So, during the next 10 minutes, Rene, a long-haired bomber with several piercings and a goatee, Martin, a slightly smaller, chubbier boy with bright eyes, as well as Kevin and Dustin, obviously twins in skater outfits, joined our group. After exchanging pleasantries, we set off and shortly afterwards we were all sitting in a minibus on our way to our destination.
I got off the bus and took a deep breath of the fresh sea air as I looked around. Then I caught sight of our new home for the next 12 months for the first time. The “Capella” proudly stretched its two masts towards the sky.
“Right, then get your stuff out of the bus and on board.” Tjard pulled me out of my thoughts.
We hastily hauled our luggage out of the van and climbed aboard via the narrow gangway. Once we had arrived, we first spread out to our cabins. The correct technical term is “chambers”, which better represents their size. The chambers were just under four and a half square meters in size, with bunk beds on the left and right. The thought of four people living together in this small space initially shocked me a little, but I quickly got used to it.
I was to share my cabin with Benjamin and two other boys who had not yet arrived. Due to the limited space, I let Benjamin go first to get settled and waited on deck until he was ready. After a good half an hour, he was finally ready and I went downstairs.
I threw my duffel bag on the upper bunk on the right and began to stow my belongings as best I could in the small cupboards (wardrobes). I was finally in the process of stuffing the empty pocket under the lower bunk when the door was bravely slammed shut behind me.
“Ouch!“ I cried out loudly. ‘Can't you idiot be careful?’
”Sorry, I didn't know...” an unfamiliar voice stuttered behind me. I sat up carefully and turned around.
“Well, it's okay. It wasn't that bad...” I started, but I didn't get any further. What I saw took my breath away. In front of me stood the boy of my dreams. A little shorter than me, but with an athletic build and an absolutely cute face. I had never believed in love at first sight before, but when I saw him, it just ”clicked.”
“Well then...“ he said with a visibly embarrassed smile on his face. ‘So I'm Tjorben.’ So Tjorben was the name of this divine being.
”I? Um, well... I'm... Chris,” I answered dreamily. With my stutter, I had probably just made a complete fool of myself again.
“Yeah, I'll just go outside, then you can put things away here in peace,“ I finally said, and tried to squeeze past him out of the chamber. But he held me back.
”Are you all right?” he asked, whereupon I immediately blushed.
“Yes, I'm fine. I'll see you around, then.“ My attempt to sound confident in response to this failed miserably.
”OK!” he replied with a grin, heaving his bag onto the bunk below mine.
I climbed up the companionway and sat down on the deck. I took a few deep breaths to clear my mind, but I didn't quite manage it. Dreamy-eyed and probably grinning like an idiot, I gazed up at the evening sky. It was dawning and the first stars were already visible.
“I asked if you got everything under control,“ Benjamin's voice suddenly brought me back to reality.
”Oh, ... uh ... yes!” I absolutely had to do something about this constant stuttering.
“Are you all right? You're acting like you've smoked some bad shit,“ Benjamin asked with a grin on his face, which of course made me blush again immediately.
”No, I'm fine,” I replied, slightly embarrassed.
“Well then,“ Benjamin said and held his pack of cigs under my nose. I gratefully took one out and he gave me a light. I thought to myself that I should quickly stop with the smoking before it becomes a habit.
”So? What's your first impression? Have you already met someone?” I asked Benjamin after we had sat next to each other in silence for a moment.
“Yep. I was talking to a guy earlier who's also in our chamber. He looks a bit like Antonio Banderas, you'll recognize him, but seems OK. And you?“
”I guess I met the fourth member of our chamber crew. He kicked the door into my back.”
“Ouch!” said Benjamin. ‘What did you do to him that he wanted to kill you?’ I shook my head and we both laughed.
Some time later, the new crew of the Capella was finally complete and everyone was sitting in the mess for dinner. There was a hungry silence as people eyed each other. I was no better and also looked at the people with whom I would spend the next year and also discovered relatively quickly our fourth “roommate”, whom Benjamin had previously described to me so impressively, sitting right next to Tjorben. The two seemed to already know each other. Benjamin was right, he did look a bit like Antonio Banderas, albeit considerably younger. I was also surprised to discover that there were four girls among the participants.
When the skipper, or at least I assumed he was the skipper based on his age, stood up, all the plates had been cleared, so everyone was concentrating on the inevitable speech that was about to follow.
“Welcome on board for starters, I'm Rolf, skipper and owner of this beautiful ship. I suggest that each of you briefly introduces yourselves before I bore you with a few unavoidable details.”
The girls volunteered to go first, but they couldn't manage much more than their names. The male participants weren't much better, though. It's always fascinating how shy a bunch of pubescent teenagers can be. Well, we still had plenty of time to get to know each other a little better.
After the skipper had given his speech on the subject of watch duty, behavior on board (saving water, saving electricity...) and route planning (long-term towards Europe), I went to my bunk relatively quickly. The day was quite exhausting and I was really tired.
4
The next morning was rainy and it was not particularly warm at just under 10 degrees. Benjamin complained about the bad weather in the middle of summer, after all, it was mid-August, until Falk informed him that the seasons in the southern hemisphere are reversed. Deepest winter at 10 degrees is quite bearable. Benjamin blushed slightly and the rest of us laughed heartily. Benjamin had never been very good at geography.
After breakfast, the individual cabin crews were assigned various tasks. These included getting provisions, raising the sails and whatever else needed to be done. Benjamin, Tjorben, Falk (the name of the Banderas guy, as it turned out) and I were assigned to get drinks together with Tjard. As a result, the morning was over faster than we would have liked. In the afternoon, we finally got our first sailing lesson: which rope to pull when, and what the heck a bowline is. It was all pretty confusing, but Tjard was trying hard to turn us landlubbers into sailors. Whether he succeeded would become clear later. Falk and Tjorben seemed to have it all pretty well under control. I, on the other hand, hadn't really noticed much that day, as I had been busy staring at Tjorben most of the time. I even imagined that he smiled back at me a few times. Or was it just my imagination? It must have been, because it would have been too good to be true. Hopefully nobody had noticed.
After dinner, by the way the last dinner that the skipper had prepared (in the future we would have to do it ourselves, bon appetit), we had shore leave for the last time for the next few days. Therefore, we set off with the entire crew for the Americas Cup Village, where, according to the skipper, there should be some nice pubs. We could forget about going to a disco on a Tuesday evening in winter in New Zealand.
Due to the fact that we had to split up into two tables because of our group size, two groups were unfortunately formed immediately. At one table sat Benjamin, Martin, the twins Kevin and Dustin, and Rene, constantly watched by Sandra. Sandra was particularly distinguished by her pronounced female features in combination with too much make-up. At our table I sat together with the rest of the crew.
Falk sat opposite me, surrounded by Susi and Nathalie, I myself sat between Falk and Steffi. Of course, quite a few beers were consumed and the evening was quite fun. From Falk, I learned that he and Tjorben had probably known each other for ages and came from the North Sea coast. They had lived next to each other and had both grown up as captains' children. Falk's father was a fisherman and Tjorben's old man probably steered huge container ships across the oceans. That at least explained why the two of them had found it so easy to practise tying knots.
When I looked over at Tjorben again, dreamily, which of course I couldn't help doing, I noticed that Susi, who I thought was a little naive, was making a play for him. Tjorben gave me a slightly helpless look in response, which I could have sunk into. I smiled dreamily in Tjorbens direction, not realizing that this look could be misunderstood. Apparently, Steffi, who was sitting right next to Tjorben, noticed the look and now began to give me strange compliments, so that I was completely unsettled within a very short time. Fortunately, Falk noticed my uncertainty and engaged me in a conversation.
“Not really your type, is she, Steffi?“ he asked me.
”No, not really... she's pretty forward,“ I replied, a little embarrassed.
”I can understand that. But don't worry, I'll protect you from the bloodthirsty women,” said Falk with a diabolical grin on his face. We had to laugh and clinked our beer glasses together.
Tjorben was on his way to the restroom when there was a sudden commotion at the neighboring table. I looked over and noticed that Martin and Rene were already gone. Sandra stood up angrily and slapped Dustin across the face. Then she stomped over to our table.
“Nathalie, we're leaving!” she announced in a brusque tone of command. Nathalie looked a little surprised, but made a move to get up. The other two girls gave us a questioning look. Falk seemed to understand, though.
“It's okay,” he said, ‘go with them, we'll take care of this.’
Steffi and Susi nodded gratefully and ran after Nathalie and Sandra, who had already left the door. I was just realizing what had happened when the three others came over to us from the neighboring table. They were visibly drunk.
“I think this just became available,“ Dustin stated and sat down as a matter of course on the chair where Steffi had been sitting a moment ago. Kevin and Benjamin joined us, too.
”What the fuck just happened?” Falk turned to Dustin with a dark look on his face.
“Oh, the old slut, she doesn't want to be fucked. But you can see how hot she is to feel my cock,“ he slurred. Kevin and Benjamin started laughing, Falk pulled a played-out, bewildered expression.
”Oh? You can tell?” He asked, his forehead wrinkled.
“Of course. Unless you're a loser like him.“ Dustin pointed at me, whereupon he received a blank look from me.
”Well, don't give me that stupid look. Benjamin told me everything,” he continued, bawling.
I felt anger rising inside me. I should have known better. WHAT had Benjamin told him? And I, the idiot, had even confided in him.
Anger may sometimes be helpful or even relieving, but when I get angry, I tend to have a tendency towards knee-jerk reactions because my brain temporarily shuts down. So I tried to suppress the rising anger for the time being and looked over at Benjamin. However, he had nothing better to do than to grin at me nastily and explain:
“It's true that you're a cocksucker. Someone like you...” But he couldn't finish the sentence because the rage inside me was now stronger and had already shut down my brain. The next moment, Benjamin was already holding his hands in front of his face, and a little blood seeped through between his fingers. I grabbed my jacket and headed for the exit, while Dustin called after me:
“You'll pay for this, you dirty ass-fucker!"
But I only half heard that. As soon as I was outside, I started walking in a daze. I don't know how long I walked, but eventually I found myself standing on a quay not far from the ship. I looked calmly out at the water when my mind started working again and I slowly realized what I had done. Shit, I had completely lost control, something like that had never happened to me before. I hated myself, I had never hit another person before and I didn't know why it had happened this time. OK, Benjamin had ruined everything for me. Goodbye fresh start with open-minded people. Nobody would want to have anything to do with me now. Of course, at that moment I didn't consider the possibility that the people here could be just as tolerant as those at the swimming club at home. After all, Dustin had just proved the opposite to me.
A wave of despair hit me. I was ashamed of having lost control, of having beaten Benjamin, even though he might have deserved it, as well as the botched start and the open rejection. I slumped down and fell to my knees. As I took in the oily smell of the pier, the tears came and I couldn't do anything about it.
It took quite a while for me to calm down again, but eventually the tears dried up and my head began to clear. I sat down on a bollard, stared out at the water, admired the lights on the other side of the bay and breathed in the smell of the sea. The night was clear and bright with moonlight. It was cold, but I didn't care. I was only interested in one question: How should I proceed now? Would Falk and Tjorben still talk to me? I was afraid to go back to the ship, I was afraid of their reaction.
“There you are. Are you okay?” Falk was suddenly standing behind me.
“Yes, I'm fine,” I lied and turned around.
“Yeah, sure. Tell that to your grandma or someone else.” He sounded really worried. ‘Man, you look completely exhausted. What's going on?’
He looked me in the eye. But I could hardly stand the look and turned away.
“I... I...” I began to stammer, while tears welled up in my eyes again. ”Oh, leave me alone. I'm not worth it.”
“What are you talking about?” Falk replied firmly. ‘Now finally tell me what's going on.’ I had to cry again. Shit, I felt like a little kid and it was so damn embarrassing. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. But Falk took me in his arms and stroked my hair.
“Hey, strong man. You almost broke Benjamin's nose and now you're sitting here crying? What's going on?” he asked me as if he were talking to a small child. But there was so much warmth in his voice.
“Oh crap, I lost control, I hate myself for it. This shouldn't have happened. But... but...,“ I stammered.
”What but?“ he immediately followed up.
”Well, Benjamin totally ruined the start for me. I was hoping to finally be rid of him. But no, he absolutely had to show up here.”
“Can you explain that to me in more detail?” he asked calmly. I stared at the dusty and oily floor of the pier below me and told him about my tense relationship with Benjamin and his sudden change of heart on the way to Auckland. Falk just listened and didn't say a word. When I was finished, he just asked one question:
“So it's true what Benjamin said?“
I sat up straight and stared at him in disbelief and fear. He didn't mean...
”So, you're really gay?” he asked. Bull's eye. Tears welled up in my eyes again.
“Yes, damn it!” I finally replied, sobbing harder again, ‘You just had a dirty cocksucker on your arm. Satisfied?’ I buried my face in my hands.
But he took me in his arms again. It didn't seem to bother him. He gently stroked my hair again and said,
“Hey, that's no reason to be sad. What's the problem with that? The main thing is that you are able to love another person at all. Which I don't trust certain other people to do.“
”You mean...?“ I looked at him in amazement.
”No, it's not a problem for me. My brother was...” He swallowed noticeably, ”My brother is gay too.”
Despite the onset of relief, it still took a little while before I finally had myself under control again. But then I wanted to know exactly how on earth Falk had come to realize that it was true.
“Falk, how did you know?” “Is it that obvious?” I really didn't need this right now.
“No, not really, don't panic,” he replied. ‘First of all, my brother is also gay, so I interpreted your reaction to Benjamin's claim that way. But apart from that, I noticed that Steffi probably received looks that were meant for Tjorben. You've had those looks on you all day.’ He grinned.
“Oops. Please don't tell Tjorben, okay?“
”I promise!” He smiled at me. ”And now it's time for bed. Come on.”
Tjorben and Benjamin were already asleep when we came to our chamber. I still lay awake for some time and thought. It had turned out all right in a direction with which I could live so far. At least Falk was fine with it, that was a start. But how would the others deal with it? Did they know too? Eventually Morpheus showed himself merciful and took me in his arms.
5
When I came to breakfast the next morning, I just caught sight of a rather hungover Benjamin with a slightly swollen nose before Dustin greeted me lovingly:
"Well, there's our little ass-fucker. Well? Where's mom this morning?”
While I was still wondering whether I should be annoyed by the comment or just ignore it, Falk had already jumped up and run over to Dustin. He grabbed him by the collar and pulled him off the bench he was sitting on.
“Let's be clear about this from the start: If you can't keep your filthy mouth shut, I'll shut it for you. Is that clear?“ Falk spoke so loudly that everyone heard him. Dustin's eyes were obviously filled with panic.
”Hey, OK, I'm cool, man,” he replied in a quiet, frightened voice.
“That's settled then.“ Falk sat back down and turned to Benjamin before going back to his seat:
”And the same goes for you. Got it?” Benjamin also seemed intimidated now and just nodded.
I sat down at the table with Falk. He winked encouragingly at me and smiled, ”So, now there should be peace.”
I still couldn't quite grasp what had just happened. I had never experienced someone taking initiative for me in this way before. I couldn't quite interpret it yet, but it became clear to me at that moment that, by all appearances, I had found a damn good new friend.
When we finally set off around noon after a lesson in the basics of navigation from the skipper, Tjorben and I were responsible for the lines on the foredeck. We were all excited, I guess.
I was in the process of shooting up the spring and securing it on the nail when Tjorben addressed me:
“Tell me, Chris, what exactly happened last night? All I heard was that you probably gave Benjamin a punch in the nose.“
”I'm not proud of it, believe me,” I replied, ‘but...’
Tjorben took my head in his hands and smiled at me. I could have immediately sunk into that smile, into those deep eyes.
“Hey,” he started, ‘Benjamin seems to be an ass. And so does Dustin. If you punched Benjamin, he probably deserved it.’ I looked down at the wooden deck, embarrassed, because I was still ashamed of it. Whether he deserved it or not, it just wasn't necessary.
“You seem like a nice guy,” he continued, ‘and if you have a problem, come to me, okay?’ He was still smiling, and I tried to hold back the tears welling up in my eyes, and nodded a ‘thank you’ to him.
Since our cabin crew was on duty for the 8 to 12 watch, I spent the rest of the afternoon in my bunk so that I would be well rested in the evening. The previous night, I hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep anyway. When I came on deck shortly before eight, armed with a coffee mug, the other three were already taking over the watch from the girls.
Falk was already at the rudder and the girls were on their way below deck, but Susi and Steffi couldn't resist giving Tjorben and me a slap on the backside. While Steffi whispered to me, “Have fun, my hero!” I blushed again, of course, and threw Tjorben a helpless look, which, however, looked over at me no less helplessly. Falk, who had observed the whole scene, began to giggle stupidly.
“Hey, don't laugh like that!“ Tjorben snapped at Falk and jabbed him in the ribs with his elbow.
”Sorry,” Falk giggled, ‘but your faces were just too funny.’ Tjorben and I just shook our heads and had to laugh too. Only Benjamin stood a little apart, like counterfeit money, and didn't change his expression.
“Well, now that the gentlemen have calmed down,” the skipper interrupted the good mood, ”Benjamin and Chris, please go to the front and keep a lookout. If anything happens, here is a radio, channel 15. I assume you know how to use it?”
I nodded silently, and the good mood was suddenly gone. The thought of standing there alone with Benjamin all the time did not suit me at all.
“Falk and Tjorben will stay here at the rudder. But we'll switch later, because rowing is quite exhausting in the long run. All right?” Everyone had understood and nodded again briefly before I went forward, followed by Benjamin.
For a while, we just stood in silence, which I personally preferred, and stared out to sea. It was another moonlit night with a fascinating, if alien, starry sky. From here, you couldn't see the Big Dipper, but you could see the constellation Scorpius and the Southern Cross.
Except for the sound of the bow gently cutting through the waves, it was absolutely quiet. I admired all the small islands around us, between which the moon was mysteriously reflected on the water. How nice it would have been to hold a person you love in your arms and dream together.
“You have quite a powerful punch, you know that?“ Benjamin suddenly interrupted the beautiful mood. I had almost forgotten that he was standing just a few feet away from me.
”Benjamin, I didn't mean to do that and I'm really sorry. Unfortunately, I overreacted,” I explained to him calmly as I turned to face him.
“I messed up, didn't I?“ He asked, looking down sheepishly.
”You could say that,” I replied and turned away. In my opinion, everything that needed to be said had been said. I really didn't feel like having any further conversation with him. But apparently Benjamin saw it differently:
“Man Chris, I don't know what came over me either. I... I didn't mean to. I must have had too much to drink. Please, I'm sorry, it'll never happen again,” he stammered and swallowed. I felt anger rising up inside me again, I could hardly believe what I had just heard. He was once again taking a very simplistic view of the situation. I swallowed my anger down as best I could – I didn't want to risk another loss of control under any circumstances – and turned back to him.
“Look,” I started calmly, ”you wanted a fresh start and you blew it. I don't even want to know why. By the way, I think it's pretty messed up that you're trying to explain it with your alcohol consumption. I would have thought you had a little more self-control. But in the end, I don't care. The fact is, you put on a pretty bad show and I gave you something on the nose that I shouldn't have done. I apologized, you apologized, I think we're even so far. Otherwise, I'd like to ask you to just leave me alone in the future. I don't think we'll get along in the long run.“
”But...”
“No buts. Please just leave me alone, okay?“ I fought hard with myself not to become aggressive. Truce was okay, but that was all I could give, even if I wanted to.
”Do me a favor and at least keep Falk away from me. Tell him we're cool, okay?” He almost begged a little.
“Sorry, but I have nothing to do with that. You'll have to sort that out with him yourself.” I looked out at the water again. The moon was moving towards the horizon and slowly taking on a reddish color. Somehow moonsets are much more fascinating than sunsets. Or is it just because you don't see them as often?
“What have you done with Benjamin?“ I suddenly heard Tjorbens voice behind me, Benjamin was gone.
”Nothing. We just had a little talk,“ I replied.
”Hmm, he came aft in a pretty agitated state and asked Falk to leave him alone in the future, since you two, and I quote, are cool. Did I miss something important?”
“Not really. He just apologized for last night and I asked him to just leave me alone for a while. That was about it.“
”About it? Come on, there's got to be more to it than that. You've known each other for a while,” Tjorben said thoughtfully. This sweetheart was absolutely not stupid. So I told him the whole story of Benjamin and me and also told him about the hopes I had put into this trip, the shock when I met Benjamin on the plane, and the panic I had felt since the night before that no one would want to talk to me anymore.
“No matter what others say: I like you! So stop brooding, OK?” was all Tjorben replied with that smile that was predestined for a gun license. I could have melted away on the spot.
We stood there in silence for quite a while, enjoying the atmosphere of this fascinating night. Now that the moon had disappeared below the horizon, many more stars could be seen in the sky. So Tjorben likes me, I thought as I looked up. Could it be that he is gay too and has feelings for me? Probably unrealistic, I thought. I spotted a shooting star and made a wish anyway.
6
The following two days were relatively unspectacular. Steffi and Susi continued to make a little play for Tjorben and me, Benjamin mostly avoided me, and I mostly hung out with Falk and Tjorben. Whether we were scrubbing the deck or on watch, we had a lot of fun together, and I slowly realized that I had fallen deeply in love with Tjorben. Knowing that the chances of Tjorben feeling the same way as me were practically zero, I had of course completely forgotten the shooting star during the one night. At least I could be with him and have fun.
Then the weather turned bad, at night it had already started to rock quite a bit. Breakfast was just over when the skipper called the entire crew on deck for a sail meeting. The wind had increased noticeably, it was cold and drizzling slightly.
“A cold front is heading straight for us and the weather forecast predicts winds of up to 9 Beaufort. So it's going to be pretty uncomfortable for the next 36 hours. Try to get enough sleep so that you're fit for your watches. Also, I don't want to see anyone without a life jacket up here anymore, the sea is already coming onto the deck in parts. If anyone needs something for seasickness, I have some pills,” the skipper explained afterwards, sending everyone who wasn't on watch back down below.
Tjorben, Falk, Benjamin and I decided to put on some weather-appropriate clothing and then went back up on deck, ready for the next four-hour watch. The pressure on the rudder had become so great that we now had to steer in pairs. We therefore all stayed close to the rudder; it would have been impossible to keep a lookout at the bow anyway, as spray repeatedly washed over the deck when the ship plunged back into the waves with a hard blow.
The weather forecast was right, just two hours later the wind speed had increased to 8 to 9 Beaufort. The sea was covered with white crests that lay in stripes in the wind. The water appeared dirty dark gray and again and again huge, almost black walls of water came rolling towards us and hard blows went through the whole ship. It had become impossible to move without constantly holding on to something. Falk and I stood together at the rudder, Tjorben and Benjamin sat silently next to us. Conversations were only possible by shouting anyway, the roar of wind and rain was just too loud. Apart from us and the skipper, there was no one left on deck.
Suddenly Benjamin jumped up and a moment later he was hanging over the railing. The first victim, I thought a little gleefully, unaware of what was going on below deck. The skipper went to Benjamin, they talked briefly and Benjamin was given something. Then he disappeared below deck.
“Everything OK with you?” the skipper called to us, we all nodded. Tjorben, however, didn't look quite so fit anymore either, which turned out to be correctly observed a few minutes later. The skipper also wanted to give him something, but Tjorben refused and remained at the railing.
“I'm going to wake Tjard, can you manage for a moment alone?” the skipper asked us, to which Falk and I nodded again. ‘And keep an eye on Tjorben!’ he added and disappeared.
He was back in less than two minutes. Just as Tjard appeared on deck a little later and wanted to relieve us at the helm together with the skipper, Tjorben collapsed at the railing. Falk and I immediately ran to him, but the skipper held me back.
“Take him down to his bunk. And give him this!” he said, thrusting a suppository into my hand. Falk and I carried Tjorben, who was quite weak and green in the face, below deck. In the swell, it turned out not to be that easy; we almost fell down the companionway.
It was stuffy below deck, as all the hatches were closed, and a distinctive smell hit us, making me swallow hard. Tjorben and Benjamin were apparently not the only ones who had been affected. In our room, Benjamin was already lying in his bunk, at an angle. We helped Tjorben to get out of his damp clothes before we put him to bed as well. I held out the suppository.
“I don't need it,” he whispered.
“Don't talk nonsense, you're totally on the ropes,“ I replied firmly.
”No... I...“
”No backtalk!“
”OK... but... can you... so...?” he asked, now visibly embarrassed. So that was what was going on, that's why he had resisted.
I nodded briefly to Falk, who then disappeared from the chamber and took care of Tjorben.
“Stay here,” Tjorben finally begged as I was about to leave, and reached for my hand. He was shaking all over, so I took his hand. It was ice cold. A short time later he had fallen asleep. These suppositories apparently really took your shoes off.
Apart from Skipper and Tjard, as well as Falk and me, Rene and Martin were the only ones who could still be described as fit. The rest of the crew had been affected to a greater or lesser extent, and most of them were lying in their bunks, numbed by Skipper's drugs, and sleeping. So it was just six of us fighting on deck for the next 24 hours. We had reefed the sails further, and all that was left was a few handkerchiefs that the wind was tugging at. I had sore muscles from all the tugging and hauling. In my whole life before, I had never longed for a hot coffee so much. Despite our rain gear, we were all more or less soaking wet from the rain and spray, freezing and exhausted. From time to time I dozed off briefly, but there was absolutely no way I could get any real sleep.
When the storm finally died down 24 hours later and the rest of the crew, Tjorben was the first to reappear on deck, had recovered and rested enough, we fell into our berths like stones and fell asleep immediately. I dreamt of Tjorben.
7
The beach seemed endless and I was all alone there. I sat by the water and watched the waves, which were so straight as if someone had drawn them with a ruler, while they slowly approached the beach, broke with a glistening, and finally washed around my feet. Suddenly, a figure emerged in the middle of the surf and came running towards me. After a moment, I recognized that it was Tjorben. I stood up and walked towards him. He had that dreamy smile on his face again, which made me melt on the spot. We looked deep into each other's eyes and he gently stroked my hair; it felt incredibly real. Then he pulled me towards him, kissed me on the forehead and whispered:
“Hey, wake up. Time to get up.“ Oh no... just when it was getting good!
I woke up and opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was Steffi, leaning over me.
”I was really sorry to have to wake you up. You looked so cute while you were sleeping,” she explained, completely enraptured.
I looked at her, wide-eyed.
“Well, now it's time to get up. After all, you've slept for almost 18 hours,” she tried to cheer me up and gave me another kiss on the forehead. Perplexed as I was, I sat up and motioned for her to leave, smiling distractedly.
“How sweet. Too shy to show yourself in front of a woman,” she giggled, but then disappeared.
I decided not to dwell on what I had just experienced and to get on with the day instead. So, after a quick, cold shower and a hearty breakfast, I found myself on deck, coffee mug in hand. Fascinated, I gazed out over the sea, which had completely changed its appearance since I had last seen it a few hours ago. The water was as smooth as glass and deep blue, except for a slight ripple caused by a light breeze and a gentle swell. The sun was shining, and only a few scattered clouds could be seen in the otherwise clear sky. All but a few of the sails had been set again, but the ship was moving only very slowly. I began to smile; the day promised to be perfect.
I took advantage of the good weather and climbed into the jib net at the front to relax a little. I was on watch, but Benjamin was at the helm and otherwise it was quiet. Tjorben apparently had the same idea, because after a few minutes he followed me.
“Thanks for... well, you know,“ he said a little embarrassed after we had just been lying there and dreaming for a while.
”Don't mention it. What are friends for, otherwise?“ I replied, smiling at him.
”Friends? Are you serious?“
”Yes, of course, or do you see it differently?”
“No, I just didn't think that you... oh, it doesn't matter. Friends!” He held out his hand, grinning happily. I grasped it and looked into his fascinating blue eyes for a moment. The boy made me feel emotional.
Shortly afterwards, however, he jerked his hand back. The happy expression on his face had disappeared and a shadow had fallen over his features.
“What's the matter?” I asked.
But Tjorben didn't answer. Instead, I saw his eyes fill with tears. Suddenly he got up, climbed up and disappeared. And I lay there, didn't say a word and didn't understand the world anymore. What had I done wrong? I was completely at a loss
”Do you really have everything?“
”Yes, Mom!” And even if I had missed something, it would have been too late anyway. There were still 20 minutes left before boarding. We were running pretty late.
“And always put on plenty of sunscreen. The sun is dangerous down there!“
”Yes, Mom!“ I replied, slightly annoyed. After all, at 16, I was no longer a little kid.
”Now leave the boy alone. I think he can take care of himself quite well already,” my father came to my rescue. You could always rely on him. Thanks, Dad!
We strolled silently through Schiphol Airport towards customs. I felt a little queasy at the thought of not seeing my parents for the next 12 months.
When we arrived at customs, I put my hand luggage on the conveyor belt to the X-ray machine and looked at my parents. My mother's eyes were a little wet.
“All the best, son, and have fun. Take care.” My father gave me a big hug.
“Take care, come back safely,” my mother said, and did the same to my dad. ‘And bring us a handsome son-in-law,’ she added with a grin.
I had to smile. ‘Oh, Mom, you know that my taste in men doesn't necessarily match yours.’ My mom really likes long hair on men. Not really my thing.
“Too bad. Take care,“ my mother smiled at me.
”You too. I love you!” I replied and turned around. Lost in thought, I passed through customs.
I looked at my watch. 10 minutes left until boarding. A little disoriented, I looked for my gate. Why do airports always have to be so confusing?
Thanks to my disorientation, boarding was already in full swing when I finally reached my gate. To be precise, I was pretty much the last one to arrive. Well, at least I was still on time and finally made my way through the narrow aisle of the plane to my seat.
Once there, I pushed my backpack into the overhead compartment above me and let myself fall onto my seat, still a little lost in thought. How convenient, an aisle seat, at least I can stretch my legs, I thought just as my gaze fell on my neighbor on my right.
“Hi Chris, good to see you,” Benjamin smiled at me.
I squinted my eyes. This could only be a bad dream.
I opened my eyes, but Benjamin was still sitting there. “If there is a God, then I ask him: why?” it went through my mind. “Why him and then also here of all places?”
“Earth to Chris! I said: Hello, nice to see you!” Benjamin was still smiling.
“H... hello,” I stuttered. Hey, that went well. So, I could still make a perfect fool of myself.
“Well, you don't seem particularly happy to see me here,” Benjamin asked. No, I couldn't say that I was. After all, Benjamin was the main reason why I was so afraid of going to school in the morning for a while. Strangely enough, however, his question sounded more disappointed than sarcastic, as I would have expected.
“Can't say I disagree,” I snapped back, a little harder than I had intended. I had been looking forward to not having to endure all those idiots for the next 12 months. And now this. But anyway, a flight like that doesn't last forever. I should be able to ignore him for 12 hours with the help of a book.
“It's a shame, since we'll be together for the next 12 months...“
”What?“ I interrupted him. ‘You don't mean...’
”...I'm also taking part in the exchange project?” ‘Yes, that's exactly what I mean,’ he completed the sentence.
I slumped down in my seat and felt the tears well up in my eyes. Anything but that. The thought that he was planning the same thing as me hadn't occurred to me yet. But it was obvious. What else would he be doing on a plane to Kuala Lumpur at the beginning of the school year?
I turned my head to the side and fought back the tears. The last thing I needed was for him to see me like this. I had to sniffle briefly and shortly after that I felt a hand on my right shoulder.
“Chris, what's wrong?” Benjamin asked in a soft voice.
I turned to him abruptly and swept his hand off my shoulder.
“You know exactly what it is. Leave me alone!“ I hissed at him fiercely. An older lady on the other side of the aisle looked over at us with interest.
”Okay, okay,” Benjamin admitted somewhat meekly, although his expression darkened. He then turned away and stared out the window.
Refreshment tissues were handed out, the flight attendants gave some safety instructions and finally the plane was ready for takeoff. Unspectacular. I put the headphones of my Walkman into my ears, listened to the sounds of Rosenfels and thought.
Once again, I felt really bad.
I had always been a loner at school, but that had never been a particular problem for me. Until four years ago, when the classes were reshuffled and I met Benjamin. That's when the psychological terror began. It got so bad that I didn't dare go to school afterwards. And Benjamin was the leader, I was really afraid of him.
I then started swimming in the swimming club at some point and found a few good friends there. During this time, I gradually realized that I was gay, which initially led to my already weakened self-confidence taking an indefinite vacation. By a stupid coincidence (or my own stupidity, I had a crush on a swimming buddy, or whatever you might call it, and had stared at him a bit too clearly), it finally came out in my new circle of friends. But to my surprise, the reaction was consistently positive, my new friends supported and even motivated me to the point of coming out to my parents.
However, it turned out that my panic about telling my parents that I was gay was completely unjustified. “What exactly is your problem?” they asked. Nothing has changed; we still have a great relationship. My self-confidence decided to cut its vacation short and came back to me, at least partially. Only at school did no one know my little secret.
Half a year ago, I got my hands on a brochure about this exchange project for the first time. I was hooked immediately and my parents also thought it was a good idea, so they were willing to finance the story for me without hesitation.
I was happy. Just the thought of not having to see the idiots in my class for a whole year made me happy. My friends from the swimming club had organized a great farewell party and everything suddenly seemed so perfect.
Until I got on the plane and met Benjamin. All at once, I felt like I had been transported back four years.
I was annoyed with myself. Why did I have tears in my eyes again?
Did I really want to let some jerk ruin the chance of my life?
No!
But what could I do? We would be stuck with each other for the next 12 months, whether I liked it or not. So chronically ignoring him was not a solution.
What then?
At some point I fell asleep over my thoughts.
2
My neck hurt a little when dinner was served and I woke up. Benjamin was still sitting next to me, so it wasn't a dream. I decided to continue ignoring him for the time being, and so we sat in silence chewing our curry chicken.
He also made no effort to talk to me, which suited me just fine. So I finally immersed myself in my book and waited for the flight to finally come to an end. Scheduled flights are boring.
After what felt like an eternity and a mediocre breakfast, we finally arrived in Kuala Lumpur. I was just wandering through the huge satellite terminal, looking for a little entertainment for the next six hours of waiting for the connecting flight, when suddenly someone grabbed me from behind. Startled, I turned around. Benjamin.
"Hey Chris, wait up.”
“What do you want from me?“ I looked at him blankly and realized I was getting slightly aggressive.
”Come on, I'll buy you a beer or whatever,“ he said kindly.
”Thanks, I'm good!“ I snapped back, about to turn away again. But he held me.
”Please!” He almost begged. And he gave me this puppy-dog look that almost made me melt. Benjamin wasn't bad-looking, after all: 1.80 tall, slim and fit, deep blue eyes, a sweet face and that tousled, dark blond hair gelled up. No, in my opinion he wasn't bad-looking at all. But an asshole is an asshole.
“I don't know what the point of this is, but okay,” I agreed to his offer, still a little reluctantly.
A few minutes later, we found ourselves in a rather cozy bar on the upper level of the satellite terminal, each of us with a beer in front of us. By the way, ordering this had not been a problem for us 16-year-olds here. Trial and error.
Benjamin took a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, lit one, and put the pack on the table.
“You don't mind, do you?” I asked as I reached for the pack.
“Of course not, but I didn't know you smoked,” he said in astonishment, giving me a light.
“I usually don't either. But there are situations...“ I replied.
”OK, I see. I know what you're getting at.“
”Oh yeah? Really?“ The cynicism in my voice would have been noticed by a deaf person.
”Hey, that's not fair now...” he complained.
“As if you've ever cared about what's fair,” I snapped back.
He looked at the floor. ‘I know.’ He hesitated and then added quietly, ‘And I'm sorry.’
I didn't know how to react. I wanted to tear him apart. But I took a deep breath, took a sip of my beer and remained silent.
After a moment, he looked in my direction, feeling insecure. Something was wrong here. I didn't buy the repentant sinner. What was this supposed to be? Was this a new, particularly subtle way to screw with me again and take away what little self-confidence I had left?
I looked into his eyes. To my amazement, I saw insecurity in them.
“OK, something's fishy here. So, what do you want?“ I finally asked him firmly after taking a nervous drag on my cigarette.
”I want to apologize to you. I treated you badly for a long time and I want to apologize for that and try a fresh start.” His voice trembled a little as he said this.
I was speechless. He imagined it all to be very simple. I had no idea how I should react. Should I yell at him now? Should I forgive him?
“Well?” He asked expectantly, yet uncertainly, holding out his hand. I hesitated. But would I be better than him if I rejected him now?
I took a last drag from my cigarette and stubbed it out. Then I took his hand, whereupon he smiled shyly and whispered, “Thank you!”
We looked at each other for a while in silence. I wasn't quite sure about the motives behind his sudden change of heart. Why? Was he just afraid of being thrown into a group of strangers alone?
“You don't trust me at all, do you?” he said, interrupting my thoughts. I took a deep gulp of my beer and looked at him.
“Right!“ I replied after putting the glass down again.
”I see. But you can, you'll find out.” Well, I was curious to see.
It was worth a try, because I had nothing to lose anyway. So I slowly began to engage with him a little, discovering some surprising similarities in our views. Whether it was about our teachers, classmates or whatever. I had the feeling that I was dealing with a completely different person than the Benjamin I knew. So the last hours waiting for the connecting flight, as well as the flight itself, were quite entertaining. We had a lot of fun together.
3
After another ten hours of flying, we finally reached Auckland. During the descent, we both squeezed our heads in front of the stamp-sized window in the airplane to catch a first glimpse of New Zealand. It was fascinating. So much green and so much water all around.
Immigration was unproblematic, and since we didn't have any food with us anyway, the sniffer dogs didn't find anything on us, of course. So about half an hour after landing, we stood a little disoriented with our travel bags at the exit of the customs control and wondered how to proceed. We decided to follow the crowd for now and shortly afterwards we arrived in the large arrivals hall, where a whole bunch of people were waiting with signs bearing the names of some schools or surnames.
I looked around a bit and finally spotted a tanned guy standing a little apart, holding a sign with “Capella” written on it. “Bingo,” I said and headed quickly for him, with Benjamin following me.
“Hi, you want to go to Capella?“ the tanned guy greeted us with a harsh, northern German accent when we finally stood in front of him.
”Yep, I'm Benjamin,” my comrade-in-arms took the initiative, to which I added a shy ”And I'm Chris.”
“Nice, I'm Tjard. We're still waiting for four other guys who must have been on the plane with you. Then we'll leave. OK?"
Benjamin and I nodded in sync. ”Of course.”
So, during the next 10 minutes, Rene, a long-haired bomber with several piercings and a goatee, Martin, a slightly smaller, chubbier boy with bright eyes, as well as Kevin and Dustin, obviously twins in skater outfits, joined our group. After exchanging pleasantries, we set off and shortly afterwards we were all sitting in a minibus on our way to our destination.
I got off the bus and took a deep breath of the fresh sea air as I looked around. Then I caught sight of our new home for the next 12 months for the first time. The “Capella” proudly stretched its two masts towards the sky.
“Right, then get your stuff out of the bus and on board.” Tjard pulled me out of my thoughts.
We hastily hauled our luggage out of the van and climbed aboard via the narrow gangway. Once we had arrived, we first spread out to our cabins. The correct technical term is “chambers”, which better represents their size. The chambers were just under four and a half square meters in size, with bunk beds on the left and right. The thought of four people living together in this small space initially shocked me a little, but I quickly got used to it.
I was to share my cabin with Benjamin and two other boys who had not yet arrived. Due to the limited space, I let Benjamin go first to get settled and waited on deck until he was ready. After a good half an hour, he was finally ready and I went downstairs.
I threw my duffel bag on the upper bunk on the right and began to stow my belongings as best I could in the small cupboards (wardrobes). I was finally in the process of stuffing the empty pocket under the lower bunk when the door was bravely slammed shut behind me.
“Ouch!“ I cried out loudly. ‘Can't you idiot be careful?’
”Sorry, I didn't know...” an unfamiliar voice stuttered behind me. I sat up carefully and turned around.
“Well, it's okay. It wasn't that bad...” I started, but I didn't get any further. What I saw took my breath away. In front of me stood the boy of my dreams. A little shorter than me, but with an athletic build and an absolutely cute face. I had never believed in love at first sight before, but when I saw him, it just ”clicked.”
“Well then...“ he said with a visibly embarrassed smile on his face. ‘So I'm Tjorben.’ So Tjorben was the name of this divine being.
”I? Um, well... I'm... Chris,” I answered dreamily. With my stutter, I had probably just made a complete fool of myself again.
“Yeah, I'll just go outside, then you can put things away here in peace,“ I finally said, and tried to squeeze past him out of the chamber. But he held me back.
”Are you all right?” he asked, whereupon I immediately blushed.
“Yes, I'm fine. I'll see you around, then.“ My attempt to sound confident in response to this failed miserably.
”OK!” he replied with a grin, heaving his bag onto the bunk below mine.
I climbed up the companionway and sat down on the deck. I took a few deep breaths to clear my mind, but I didn't quite manage it. Dreamy-eyed and probably grinning like an idiot, I gazed up at the evening sky. It was dawning and the first stars were already visible.
“I asked if you got everything under control,“ Benjamin's voice suddenly brought me back to reality.
”Oh, ... uh ... yes!” I absolutely had to do something about this constant stuttering.
“Are you all right? You're acting like you've smoked some bad shit,“ Benjamin asked with a grin on his face, which of course made me blush again immediately.
”No, I'm fine,” I replied, slightly embarrassed.
“Well then,“ Benjamin said and held his pack of cigs under my nose. I gratefully took one out and he gave me a light. I thought to myself that I should quickly stop with the smoking before it becomes a habit.
”So? What's your first impression? Have you already met someone?” I asked Benjamin after we had sat next to each other in silence for a moment.
“Yep. I was talking to a guy earlier who's also in our chamber. He looks a bit like Antonio Banderas, you'll recognize him, but seems OK. And you?“
”I guess I met the fourth member of our chamber crew. He kicked the door into my back.”
“Ouch!” said Benjamin. ‘What did you do to him that he wanted to kill you?’ I shook my head and we both laughed.
Some time later, the new crew of the Capella was finally complete and everyone was sitting in the mess for dinner. There was a hungry silence as people eyed each other. I was no better and also looked at the people with whom I would spend the next year and also discovered relatively quickly our fourth “roommate”, whom Benjamin had previously described to me so impressively, sitting right next to Tjorben. The two seemed to already know each other. Benjamin was right, he did look a bit like Antonio Banderas, albeit considerably younger. I was also surprised to discover that there were four girls among the participants.
When the skipper, or at least I assumed he was the skipper based on his age, stood up, all the plates had been cleared, so everyone was concentrating on the inevitable speech that was about to follow.
“Welcome on board for starters, I'm Rolf, skipper and owner of this beautiful ship. I suggest that each of you briefly introduces yourselves before I bore you with a few unavoidable details.”
The girls volunteered to go first, but they couldn't manage much more than their names. The male participants weren't much better, though. It's always fascinating how shy a bunch of pubescent teenagers can be. Well, we still had plenty of time to get to know each other a little better.
After the skipper had given his speech on the subject of watch duty, behavior on board (saving water, saving electricity...) and route planning (long-term towards Europe), I went to my bunk relatively quickly. The day was quite exhausting and I was really tired.
4
The next morning was rainy and it was not particularly warm at just under 10 degrees. Benjamin complained about the bad weather in the middle of summer, after all, it was mid-August, until Falk informed him that the seasons in the southern hemisphere are reversed. Deepest winter at 10 degrees is quite bearable. Benjamin blushed slightly and the rest of us laughed heartily. Benjamin had never been very good at geography.
After breakfast, the individual cabin crews were assigned various tasks. These included getting provisions, raising the sails and whatever else needed to be done. Benjamin, Tjorben, Falk (the name of the Banderas guy, as it turned out) and I were assigned to get drinks together with Tjard. As a result, the morning was over faster than we would have liked. In the afternoon, we finally got our first sailing lesson: which rope to pull when, and what the heck a bowline is. It was all pretty confusing, but Tjard was trying hard to turn us landlubbers into sailors. Whether he succeeded would become clear later. Falk and Tjorben seemed to have it all pretty well under control. I, on the other hand, hadn't really noticed much that day, as I had been busy staring at Tjorben most of the time. I even imagined that he smiled back at me a few times. Or was it just my imagination? It must have been, because it would have been too good to be true. Hopefully nobody had noticed.
After dinner, by the way the last dinner that the skipper had prepared (in the future we would have to do it ourselves, bon appetit), we had shore leave for the last time for the next few days. Therefore, we set off with the entire crew for the Americas Cup Village, where, according to the skipper, there should be some nice pubs. We could forget about going to a disco on a Tuesday evening in winter in New Zealand.
Due to the fact that we had to split up into two tables because of our group size, two groups were unfortunately formed immediately. At one table sat Benjamin, Martin, the twins Kevin and Dustin, and Rene, constantly watched by Sandra. Sandra was particularly distinguished by her pronounced female features in combination with too much make-up. At our table I sat together with the rest of the crew.
Falk sat opposite me, surrounded by Susi and Nathalie, I myself sat between Falk and Steffi. Of course, quite a few beers were consumed and the evening was quite fun. From Falk, I learned that he and Tjorben had probably known each other for ages and came from the North Sea coast. They had lived next to each other and had both grown up as captains' children. Falk's father was a fisherman and Tjorben's old man probably steered huge container ships across the oceans. That at least explained why the two of them had found it so easy to practise tying knots.
When I looked over at Tjorben again, dreamily, which of course I couldn't help doing, I noticed that Susi, who I thought was a little naive, was making a play for him. Tjorben gave me a slightly helpless look in response, which I could have sunk into. I smiled dreamily in Tjorbens direction, not realizing that this look could be misunderstood. Apparently, Steffi, who was sitting right next to Tjorben, noticed the look and now began to give me strange compliments, so that I was completely unsettled within a very short time. Fortunately, Falk noticed my uncertainty and engaged me in a conversation.
“Not really your type, is she, Steffi?“ he asked me.
”No, not really... she's pretty forward,“ I replied, a little embarrassed.
”I can understand that. But don't worry, I'll protect you from the bloodthirsty women,” said Falk with a diabolical grin on his face. We had to laugh and clinked our beer glasses together.
Tjorben was on his way to the restroom when there was a sudden commotion at the neighboring table. I looked over and noticed that Martin and Rene were already gone. Sandra stood up angrily and slapped Dustin across the face. Then she stomped over to our table.
“Nathalie, we're leaving!” she announced in a brusque tone of command. Nathalie looked a little surprised, but made a move to get up. The other two girls gave us a questioning look. Falk seemed to understand, though.
“It's okay,” he said, ‘go with them, we'll take care of this.’
Steffi and Susi nodded gratefully and ran after Nathalie and Sandra, who had already left the door. I was just realizing what had happened when the three others came over to us from the neighboring table. They were visibly drunk.
“I think this just became available,“ Dustin stated and sat down as a matter of course on the chair where Steffi had been sitting a moment ago. Kevin and Benjamin joined us, too.
”What the fuck just happened?” Falk turned to Dustin with a dark look on his face.
“Oh, the old slut, she doesn't want to be fucked. But you can see how hot she is to feel my cock,“ he slurred. Kevin and Benjamin started laughing, Falk pulled a played-out, bewildered expression.
”Oh? You can tell?” He asked, his forehead wrinkled.
“Of course. Unless you're a loser like him.“ Dustin pointed at me, whereupon he received a blank look from me.
”Well, don't give me that stupid look. Benjamin told me everything,” he continued, bawling.
I felt anger rising inside me. I should have known better. WHAT had Benjamin told him? And I, the idiot, had even confided in him.
Anger may sometimes be helpful or even relieving, but when I get angry, I tend to have a tendency towards knee-jerk reactions because my brain temporarily shuts down. So I tried to suppress the rising anger for the time being and looked over at Benjamin. However, he had nothing better to do than to grin at me nastily and explain:
“It's true that you're a cocksucker. Someone like you...” But he couldn't finish the sentence because the rage inside me was now stronger and had already shut down my brain. The next moment, Benjamin was already holding his hands in front of his face, and a little blood seeped through between his fingers. I grabbed my jacket and headed for the exit, while Dustin called after me:
“You'll pay for this, you dirty ass-fucker!"
But I only half heard that. As soon as I was outside, I started walking in a daze. I don't know how long I walked, but eventually I found myself standing on a quay not far from the ship. I looked calmly out at the water when my mind started working again and I slowly realized what I had done. Shit, I had completely lost control, something like that had never happened to me before. I hated myself, I had never hit another person before and I didn't know why it had happened this time. OK, Benjamin had ruined everything for me. Goodbye fresh start with open-minded people. Nobody would want to have anything to do with me now. Of course, at that moment I didn't consider the possibility that the people here could be just as tolerant as those at the swimming club at home. After all, Dustin had just proved the opposite to me.
A wave of despair hit me. I was ashamed of having lost control, of having beaten Benjamin, even though he might have deserved it, as well as the botched start and the open rejection. I slumped down and fell to my knees. As I took in the oily smell of the pier, the tears came and I couldn't do anything about it.
It took quite a while for me to calm down again, but eventually the tears dried up and my head began to clear. I sat down on a bollard, stared out at the water, admired the lights on the other side of the bay and breathed in the smell of the sea. The night was clear and bright with moonlight. It was cold, but I didn't care. I was only interested in one question: How should I proceed now? Would Falk and Tjorben still talk to me? I was afraid to go back to the ship, I was afraid of their reaction.
“There you are. Are you okay?” Falk was suddenly standing behind me.
“Yes, I'm fine,” I lied and turned around.
“Yeah, sure. Tell that to your grandma or someone else.” He sounded really worried. ‘Man, you look completely exhausted. What's going on?’
He looked me in the eye. But I could hardly stand the look and turned away.
“I... I...” I began to stammer, while tears welled up in my eyes again. ”Oh, leave me alone. I'm not worth it.”
“What are you talking about?” Falk replied firmly. ‘Now finally tell me what's going on.’ I had to cry again. Shit, I felt like a little kid and it was so damn embarrassing. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. But Falk took me in his arms and stroked my hair.
“Hey, strong man. You almost broke Benjamin's nose and now you're sitting here crying? What's going on?” he asked me as if he were talking to a small child. But there was so much warmth in his voice.
“Oh crap, I lost control, I hate myself for it. This shouldn't have happened. But... but...,“ I stammered.
”What but?“ he immediately followed up.
”Well, Benjamin totally ruined the start for me. I was hoping to finally be rid of him. But no, he absolutely had to show up here.”
“Can you explain that to me in more detail?” he asked calmly. I stared at the dusty and oily floor of the pier below me and told him about my tense relationship with Benjamin and his sudden change of heart on the way to Auckland. Falk just listened and didn't say a word. When I was finished, he just asked one question:
“So it's true what Benjamin said?“
I sat up straight and stared at him in disbelief and fear. He didn't mean...
”So, you're really gay?” he asked. Bull's eye. Tears welled up in my eyes again.
“Yes, damn it!” I finally replied, sobbing harder again, ‘You just had a dirty cocksucker on your arm. Satisfied?’ I buried my face in my hands.
But he took me in his arms again. It didn't seem to bother him. He gently stroked my hair again and said,
“Hey, that's no reason to be sad. What's the problem with that? The main thing is that you are able to love another person at all. Which I don't trust certain other people to do.“
”You mean...?“ I looked at him in amazement.
”No, it's not a problem for me. My brother was...” He swallowed noticeably, ”My brother is gay too.”
Despite the onset of relief, it still took a little while before I finally had myself under control again. But then I wanted to know exactly how on earth Falk had come to realize that it was true.
“Falk, how did you know?” “Is it that obvious?” I really didn't need this right now.
“No, not really, don't panic,” he replied. ‘First of all, my brother is also gay, so I interpreted your reaction to Benjamin's claim that way. But apart from that, I noticed that Steffi probably received looks that were meant for Tjorben. You've had those looks on you all day.’ He grinned.
“Oops. Please don't tell Tjorben, okay?“
”I promise!” He smiled at me. ”And now it's time for bed. Come on.”
Tjorben and Benjamin were already asleep when we came to our chamber. I still lay awake for some time and thought. It had turned out all right in a direction with which I could live so far. At least Falk was fine with it, that was a start. But how would the others deal with it? Did they know too? Eventually Morpheus showed himself merciful and took me in his arms.
5
When I came to breakfast the next morning, I just caught sight of a rather hungover Benjamin with a slightly swollen nose before Dustin greeted me lovingly:
"Well, there's our little ass-fucker. Well? Where's mom this morning?”
While I was still wondering whether I should be annoyed by the comment or just ignore it, Falk had already jumped up and run over to Dustin. He grabbed him by the collar and pulled him off the bench he was sitting on.
“Let's be clear about this from the start: If you can't keep your filthy mouth shut, I'll shut it for you. Is that clear?“ Falk spoke so loudly that everyone heard him. Dustin's eyes were obviously filled with panic.
”Hey, OK, I'm cool, man,” he replied in a quiet, frightened voice.
“That's settled then.“ Falk sat back down and turned to Benjamin before going back to his seat:
”And the same goes for you. Got it?” Benjamin also seemed intimidated now and just nodded.
I sat down at the table with Falk. He winked encouragingly at me and smiled, ”So, now there should be peace.”
I still couldn't quite grasp what had just happened. I had never experienced someone taking initiative for me in this way before. I couldn't quite interpret it yet, but it became clear to me at that moment that, by all appearances, I had found a damn good new friend.
When we finally set off around noon after a lesson in the basics of navigation from the skipper, Tjorben and I were responsible for the lines on the foredeck. We were all excited, I guess.
I was in the process of shooting up the spring and securing it on the nail when Tjorben addressed me:
“Tell me, Chris, what exactly happened last night? All I heard was that you probably gave Benjamin a punch in the nose.“
”I'm not proud of it, believe me,” I replied, ‘but...’
Tjorben took my head in his hands and smiled at me. I could have immediately sunk into that smile, into those deep eyes.
“Hey,” he started, ‘Benjamin seems to be an ass. And so does Dustin. If you punched Benjamin, he probably deserved it.’ I looked down at the wooden deck, embarrassed, because I was still ashamed of it. Whether he deserved it or not, it just wasn't necessary.
“You seem like a nice guy,” he continued, ‘and if you have a problem, come to me, okay?’ He was still smiling, and I tried to hold back the tears welling up in my eyes, and nodded a ‘thank you’ to him.
Since our cabin crew was on duty for the 8 to 12 watch, I spent the rest of the afternoon in my bunk so that I would be well rested in the evening. The previous night, I hadn't gotten nearly enough sleep anyway. When I came on deck shortly before eight, armed with a coffee mug, the other three were already taking over the watch from the girls.
Falk was already at the rudder and the girls were on their way below deck, but Susi and Steffi couldn't resist giving Tjorben and me a slap on the backside. While Steffi whispered to me, “Have fun, my hero!” I blushed again, of course, and threw Tjorben a helpless look, which, however, looked over at me no less helplessly. Falk, who had observed the whole scene, began to giggle stupidly.
“Hey, don't laugh like that!“ Tjorben snapped at Falk and jabbed him in the ribs with his elbow.
”Sorry,” Falk giggled, ‘but your faces were just too funny.’ Tjorben and I just shook our heads and had to laugh too. Only Benjamin stood a little apart, like counterfeit money, and didn't change his expression.
“Well, now that the gentlemen have calmed down,” the skipper interrupted the good mood, ”Benjamin and Chris, please go to the front and keep a lookout. If anything happens, here is a radio, channel 15. I assume you know how to use it?”
I nodded silently, and the good mood was suddenly gone. The thought of standing there alone with Benjamin all the time did not suit me at all.
“Falk and Tjorben will stay here at the rudder. But we'll switch later, because rowing is quite exhausting in the long run. All right?” Everyone had understood and nodded again briefly before I went forward, followed by Benjamin.
For a while, we just stood in silence, which I personally preferred, and stared out to sea. It was another moonlit night with a fascinating, if alien, starry sky. From here, you couldn't see the Big Dipper, but you could see the constellation Scorpius and the Southern Cross.
Except for the sound of the bow gently cutting through the waves, it was absolutely quiet. I admired all the small islands around us, between which the moon was mysteriously reflected on the water. How nice it would have been to hold a person you love in your arms and dream together.
“You have quite a powerful punch, you know that?“ Benjamin suddenly interrupted the beautiful mood. I had almost forgotten that he was standing just a few feet away from me.
”Benjamin, I didn't mean to do that and I'm really sorry. Unfortunately, I overreacted,” I explained to him calmly as I turned to face him.
“I messed up, didn't I?“ He asked, looking down sheepishly.
”You could say that,” I replied and turned away. In my opinion, everything that needed to be said had been said. I really didn't feel like having any further conversation with him. But apparently Benjamin saw it differently:
“Man Chris, I don't know what came over me either. I... I didn't mean to. I must have had too much to drink. Please, I'm sorry, it'll never happen again,” he stammered and swallowed. I felt anger rising up inside me again, I could hardly believe what I had just heard. He was once again taking a very simplistic view of the situation. I swallowed my anger down as best I could – I didn't want to risk another loss of control under any circumstances – and turned back to him.
“Look,” I started calmly, ”you wanted a fresh start and you blew it. I don't even want to know why. By the way, I think it's pretty messed up that you're trying to explain it with your alcohol consumption. I would have thought you had a little more self-control. But in the end, I don't care. The fact is, you put on a pretty bad show and I gave you something on the nose that I shouldn't have done. I apologized, you apologized, I think we're even so far. Otherwise, I'd like to ask you to just leave me alone in the future. I don't think we'll get along in the long run.“
”But...”
“No buts. Please just leave me alone, okay?“ I fought hard with myself not to become aggressive. Truce was okay, but that was all I could give, even if I wanted to.
”Do me a favor and at least keep Falk away from me. Tell him we're cool, okay?” He almost begged a little.
“Sorry, but I have nothing to do with that. You'll have to sort that out with him yourself.” I looked out at the water again. The moon was moving towards the horizon and slowly taking on a reddish color. Somehow moonsets are much more fascinating than sunsets. Or is it just because you don't see them as often?
“What have you done with Benjamin?“ I suddenly heard Tjorbens voice behind me, Benjamin was gone.
”Nothing. We just had a little talk,“ I replied.
”Hmm, he came aft in a pretty agitated state and asked Falk to leave him alone in the future, since you two, and I quote, are cool. Did I miss something important?”
“Not really. He just apologized for last night and I asked him to just leave me alone for a while. That was about it.“
”About it? Come on, there's got to be more to it than that. You've known each other for a while,” Tjorben said thoughtfully. This sweetheart was absolutely not stupid. So I told him the whole story of Benjamin and me and also told him about the hopes I had put into this trip, the shock when I met Benjamin on the plane, and the panic I had felt since the night before that no one would want to talk to me anymore.
“No matter what others say: I like you! So stop brooding, OK?” was all Tjorben replied with that smile that was predestined for a gun license. I could have melted away on the spot.
We stood there in silence for quite a while, enjoying the atmosphere of this fascinating night. Now that the moon had disappeared below the horizon, many more stars could be seen in the sky. So Tjorben likes me, I thought as I looked up. Could it be that he is gay too and has feelings for me? Probably unrealistic, I thought. I spotted a shooting star and made a wish anyway.
6
The following two days were relatively unspectacular. Steffi and Susi continued to make a little play for Tjorben and me, Benjamin mostly avoided me, and I mostly hung out with Falk and Tjorben. Whether we were scrubbing the deck or on watch, we had a lot of fun together, and I slowly realized that I had fallen deeply in love with Tjorben. Knowing that the chances of Tjorben feeling the same way as me were practically zero, I had of course completely forgotten the shooting star during the one night. At least I could be with him and have fun.
Then the weather turned bad, at night it had already started to rock quite a bit. Breakfast was just over when the skipper called the entire crew on deck for a sail meeting. The wind had increased noticeably, it was cold and drizzling slightly.
“A cold front is heading straight for us and the weather forecast predicts winds of up to 9 Beaufort. So it's going to be pretty uncomfortable for the next 36 hours. Try to get enough sleep so that you're fit for your watches. Also, I don't want to see anyone without a life jacket up here anymore, the sea is already coming onto the deck in parts. If anyone needs something for seasickness, I have some pills,” the skipper explained afterwards, sending everyone who wasn't on watch back down below.
Tjorben, Falk, Benjamin and I decided to put on some weather-appropriate clothing and then went back up on deck, ready for the next four-hour watch. The pressure on the rudder had become so great that we now had to steer in pairs. We therefore all stayed close to the rudder; it would have been impossible to keep a lookout at the bow anyway, as spray repeatedly washed over the deck when the ship plunged back into the waves with a hard blow.
The weather forecast was right, just two hours later the wind speed had increased to 8 to 9 Beaufort. The sea was covered with white crests that lay in stripes in the wind. The water appeared dirty dark gray and again and again huge, almost black walls of water came rolling towards us and hard blows went through the whole ship. It had become impossible to move without constantly holding on to something. Falk and I stood together at the rudder, Tjorben and Benjamin sat silently next to us. Conversations were only possible by shouting anyway, the roar of wind and rain was just too loud. Apart from us and the skipper, there was no one left on deck.
Suddenly Benjamin jumped up and a moment later he was hanging over the railing. The first victim, I thought a little gleefully, unaware of what was going on below deck. The skipper went to Benjamin, they talked briefly and Benjamin was given something. Then he disappeared below deck.
“Everything OK with you?” the skipper called to us, we all nodded. Tjorben, however, didn't look quite so fit anymore either, which turned out to be correctly observed a few minutes later. The skipper also wanted to give him something, but Tjorben refused and remained at the railing.
“I'm going to wake Tjard, can you manage for a moment alone?” the skipper asked us, to which Falk and I nodded again. ‘And keep an eye on Tjorben!’ he added and disappeared.
He was back in less than two minutes. Just as Tjard appeared on deck a little later and wanted to relieve us at the helm together with the skipper, Tjorben collapsed at the railing. Falk and I immediately ran to him, but the skipper held me back.
“Take him down to his bunk. And give him this!” he said, thrusting a suppository into my hand. Falk and I carried Tjorben, who was quite weak and green in the face, below deck. In the swell, it turned out not to be that easy; we almost fell down the companionway.
It was stuffy below deck, as all the hatches were closed, and a distinctive smell hit us, making me swallow hard. Tjorben and Benjamin were apparently not the only ones who had been affected. In our room, Benjamin was already lying in his bunk, at an angle. We helped Tjorben to get out of his damp clothes before we put him to bed as well. I held out the suppository.
“I don't need it,” he whispered.
“Don't talk nonsense, you're totally on the ropes,“ I replied firmly.
”No... I...“
”No backtalk!“
”OK... but... can you... so...?” he asked, now visibly embarrassed. So that was what was going on, that's why he had resisted.
I nodded briefly to Falk, who then disappeared from the chamber and took care of Tjorben.
“Stay here,” Tjorben finally begged as I was about to leave, and reached for my hand. He was shaking all over, so I took his hand. It was ice cold. A short time later he had fallen asleep. These suppositories apparently really took your shoes off.
Apart from Skipper and Tjard, as well as Falk and me, Rene and Martin were the only ones who could still be described as fit. The rest of the crew had been affected to a greater or lesser extent, and most of them were lying in their bunks, numbed by Skipper's drugs, and sleeping. So it was just six of us fighting on deck for the next 24 hours. We had reefed the sails further, and all that was left was a few handkerchiefs that the wind was tugging at. I had sore muscles from all the tugging and hauling. In my whole life before, I had never longed for a hot coffee so much. Despite our rain gear, we were all more or less soaking wet from the rain and spray, freezing and exhausted. From time to time I dozed off briefly, but there was absolutely no way I could get any real sleep.
When the storm finally died down 24 hours later and the rest of the crew, Tjorben was the first to reappear on deck, had recovered and rested enough, we fell into our berths like stones and fell asleep immediately. I dreamt of Tjorben.
7
The beach seemed endless and I was all alone there. I sat by the water and watched the waves, which were so straight as if someone had drawn them with a ruler, while they slowly approached the beach, broke with a glistening, and finally washed around my feet. Suddenly, a figure emerged in the middle of the surf and came running towards me. After a moment, I recognized that it was Tjorben. I stood up and walked towards him. He had that dreamy smile on his face again, which made me melt on the spot. We looked deep into each other's eyes and he gently stroked my hair; it felt incredibly real. Then he pulled me towards him, kissed me on the forehead and whispered:
“Hey, wake up. Time to get up.“ Oh no... just when it was getting good!
I woke up and opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was Steffi, leaning over me.
”I was really sorry to have to wake you up. You looked so cute while you were sleeping,” she explained, completely enraptured.
I looked at her, wide-eyed.
“Well, now it's time to get up. After all, you've slept for almost 18 hours,” she tried to cheer me up and gave me another kiss on the forehead. Perplexed as I was, I sat up and motioned for her to leave, smiling distractedly.
“How sweet. Too shy to show yourself in front of a woman,” she giggled, but then disappeared.
I decided not to dwell on what I had just experienced and to get on with the day instead. So, after a quick, cold shower and a hearty breakfast, I found myself on deck, coffee mug in hand. Fascinated, I gazed out over the sea, which had completely changed its appearance since I had last seen it a few hours ago. The water was as smooth as glass and deep blue, except for a slight ripple caused by a light breeze and a gentle swell. The sun was shining, and only a few scattered clouds could be seen in the otherwise clear sky. All but a few of the sails had been set again, but the ship was moving only very slowly. I began to smile; the day promised to be perfect.
I took advantage of the good weather and climbed into the jib net at the front to relax a little. I was on watch, but Benjamin was at the helm and otherwise it was quiet. Tjorben apparently had the same idea, because after a few minutes he followed me.
“Thanks for... well, you know,“ he said a little embarrassed after we had just been lying there and dreaming for a while.
”Don't mention it. What are friends for, otherwise?“ I replied, smiling at him.
”Friends? Are you serious?“
”Yes, of course, or do you see it differently?”
“No, I just didn't think that you... oh, it doesn't matter. Friends!” He held out his hand, grinning happily. I grasped it and looked into his fascinating blue eyes for a moment. The boy made me feel emotional.
Shortly afterwards, however, he jerked his hand back. The happy expression on his face had disappeared and a shadow had fallen over his features.
“What's the matter?” I asked.
But Tjorben didn't answer. Instead, I saw his eyes fill with tears. Suddenly he got up, climbed up and disappeared. And I lay there, didn't say a word and didn't understand the world anymore. What had I done wrong? I was completely at a loss