07-10-2025, 01:04 PM
Leon fled the lecture hall. He didn't care what the others thought, he didn't care if he ran into anyone or broke the furniture, he just wanted to get away. Away from all of this, away from the fellow students who would hate him anyway if they knew what he really was. He almost let the cat out of the bag when homosexuality was discussed in the biology lecture, he almost told the guy sitting next to him, but at the last moment fear got the better of him and he fled. He didn't even know where to flee to. To his parents? His father would just label him a wimp again, who hadn't achieved anything in life: To his student dorm? What would he do there? There he was also alone and desperate. “What is going to happen?” kept flashing through his mind like a mantra. Oh how he cursed that episode of Scrubs! Ever since he had seen it, that line from the song kept playing through his mind whenever he felt hopeless. And lately that had been far too often. He needed a distraction, friends, but how could he find friends? At some point they would find out that he was one of those “perverted faggots” and reject him, so he'd rather stay alone. Unbeknownst to him, his path had led him to the beach. He had been here often lately, sitting apart and watching all the “normal” couples walking or lying in the sun. He often just stared into the waves. He felt comfortable by the sea, no, by the water in general, because the water could not condemn him, the water could absorb his tears and make them seem small, could make his problems seem small. He had often thought about whether it wouldn't be best to just swim out at night until he couldn't anymore, and then slip into the sea, but so far he just didn't have the courage to do it, and there was still a part of him that wanted to live, that told him everything could get better. Leon realized how he slowed down, his legs refused to work, and he just fell on the sand and cried.
Lukas had gotten up early that day, as he did every day when he had a lecture. Even though he could have slept longer, after all his lecture was not until the afternoon block starting at 2 p.m., he still made a point of getting up at 7 a.m. After all, there had to be a certain amount of order in life, as he always said, although this was probably the only thing he approached in such an orderly and conscientious manner, because in fact he was a medium-sized natural disaster when it came to order. But what would he have gained from a differently designed daily schedule? Here, at the place where he would study for another 4 1/2 years, he had no friends, let alone the one friend he longed for. So after breakfast he went shopping, did his university homework superficially and, when he looked at his watch, realized that he still had almost 5 hours before the lecture started. Of course, he could have spent the time revising for his assignments or checking the internet for new stories, but he wasn't really in the mood for either. So he decided to go to the beach. As a sailor, he loved the water, and even though it made him sad that he rarely went sailing anymore because he didn't have a boat here in the college town, he liked to walk along the beach and let his mind wander. The sea air always allowed him to think more clearly. So he swung himself onto his bike and sped off, as always without really noticing what was happening around him. He knew that he would never find anyone, whether as a friend in general or a friend in particular, and even though he repeatedly resolved to approach people more openly, he rarely succeeded. When he arrived at the beach, he locked his bike and set a timer. After all, he still had to go back to the dormitory to get his documents, and he didn't really want to be late for the lecture; after all, that wasn't his style. The beach was empty that fall morning, and there was a rather fresh breeze. There were no tourists to be seen, who had flooded the beach in recent months. “All the better,” thought Lukas, “at least I can't run over anyone when I get too lost in my thoughts again.” So he wandered around for a while and actually became more and more lost in thought. He imagined how nice it would be to walk arm in arm with someone and just enjoy each other's company. Even though he gave the impression of being an unapproachable loner, he was actually a romantic at heart. After a while, he looked at his watch and realized that he still had enough time, which prompted him to stop and look for a sheltered place where he could spend some time watching the sea without the wind cooling him down too much. Unfortunately, the only place that seemed suitable to him was already occupied. A young man, who must have been the same age as him, was sitting there staring thoughtfully out to sea. For a moment, Lukas thought about just moving on and looking for another place, but then he remembered his resolutions to be more open with people, and he decided to at least say a cheerful “Moin Moin” and maybe a conversation would develop from it. As he approached, he noticed that he knew the person sitting there from seeing him around. He was quickly quite sure that this was one of the students from the math teaching program that he was also attending. “Well, that makes starting the conversation easier,” Lukas was pleased to think to himself, ‘if only I could remember his name; Leonard, Lars, anything with an L,’ until he realized that Leon - he had finally remembered the name - but at that time, if he wasn't mistaken, he would actually have to attend the biology lecture. This was one of those moments when Lukas was annoyed not to have a smartphone. He would have loved to have asked his math study partner, who was sitting in the biology lecture with Leon, via WhatsApp if something had happened. But something was obviously wrong with Leon, because the closer he got, the more certain he became that Leon was crying.
Leon didn't even notice how Lukas approached. In his thoughts, he was free, detached and without fear; in his thoughts, he could be what he was afraid of in reality; in his thoughts, he could be gay. He imagined what it would be like to watch a movie with his boyfriend or just sit here in the sand, leaning against each other and being happy. His tears were still flowing and he still wondered how reality could be so cruel. But something disturbed his thoughts, at first he didn't even notice it, but suddenly he realized that someone was addressing him. He looked up and saw Lukas. “On top of everything else,” Leon despaired inwardly, “he surely knows that I went crazy this morning and has drawn his conclusions.” Expecting Lukas to launch into a tirade about gays, Leon felt sick, but he knew from experience that confronting the all-powerful tormentors was useless. It was best to submit and get it over with. He secretly hoped that this tirade would give him the final push to put his plan into action. He didn't really want to know what Lukas was saying; in his opinion, he knew what was coming anyway. But suddenly he pricked up his ears. Even if he didn't hear what Lukas was saying, he realized that Lukas wasn't swearing at him at all; rather, he seemed to really want to talk to him. So Leon focused his attention on Lukas. He knew he still had tears in his eyes, but he didn't care. Tomorrow, no one would have to endure his presence anymore.
“Hi, Lukas,” he whispered.
“Ah, you're still among the living, after all,” he replied, half amused. “I thought you were lost in thought, immersed in the sea.”
“You're not that far off,” thought Leon, and said, “No, I was just lost in thought.”
“Say, don't you have the bio lecture now, or is the prof playing sick again?“
”Nah, I couldn't stand it in bio anymore, but I'm sure you already know that,“ Leon replied tiredly.
”How should I know?“
”Well, that'll be making the rounds on WhatsApp already.”
“Then I can't know,” said Lukas and showed Leon his old Samsung slider cell phone. ‘WhatsApp can't do that.’
Lukas had now had a ‘click.’ Leon's reaction, which was a mixture of total exhaustion and hatred for the world, as well as the tears in his eyes, prompted him to steer the superficial chat in a different direction. He knew that Leon had even fewer social contacts than he did and wanted to help, especially since Leon was also quite cute. Lukas didn't really like to use this word, but whenever he saw Leon, it came to mind.
"Man, Leon, what happened? I can tell you're in a bad way.”
“Oh leave me alone, Lukas, you're not interested in that anyway.“
”Leon, I know that you don't have anyone to talk to, and you tell everyone that you don't need anyone either, but I'm not blind. I can see that something is bothering you that you really want to talk about. I see that it is eating you up, and I think I sense that you have made a decision that I would call the biggest mistake you could make. You don't have to tell me anything, but I'd like to win you over as a friend. I think there's more to you than most people see and believe, maybe even more than you know or hope.”
Leon was amazed. Instead of blaming him for his behavior, Lukas was actually concerned about how he was doing. “I seem to be important to him somehow,” Leon wondered, “could it be that he's gay and helping me because he has a crush on me?” But Leon dismissed the thought right away; it seemed too far-fetched. Lukas and gay – never.
“You're right,” Leon answered Lukas. ‘I really don't want to talk about it.’
A little disappointed, but still confident, Lukas replied, ‘All right, but if you want to talk, I'm here.’ ”Well, now we should go to the math lecture. I can't even manage to get my things anymore.”
“I'm not going to math today.“
”Yes, you're coming with me, even if I have to force you!” Lukas' voice had taken on a commanding tone. ‘I'm not going to leave you sitting out here in the cold.’
Leon knew that arguing would be futile. He hardly knew Lukas, but he had noticed that when Lukas set his mind to something, he stuck to it.
Lukas knew it was better to go together with Leon, so he left his bike on the beach and went back to the university together with Leon. Even though it was not good that he had forgotten his documents, he could borrow a pen and paper from Alex, his math learning partner and the closest thing to a good friend.
On the way to the university, Leon and Lukas talked a little more about the math material, and they both realized that they might be able to help each other with the material, since their strengths were shifted accordingly. Although it was actually clear to Leon that it wouldn't come to that, after all, he wouldn't be around long enough to help.
Even if Lukas didn't know what Leon was thinking, he had an idea. He himself had been very desperate and had thought of the easy way out of suicide. Leo was behaving similarly to how he had back then. Actually, he seemed very determined, and that scared Lukas. He therefore decided not to let Leon out of his sight for the time being and to help him.
Leon was afraid of how the other students would react. After all, he was the outsider and had already received one or two verbal jabs, and after the morning's incident, he was expecting them. But no one started picking on him because of it. Some may not have noticed, but Leon had a different guess, and that was Lukas. No one attacked Lukas, and anyone who was with Lukas enjoyed a certain protection. Leon didn't know why that was, he didn't know much about what happened between the students, and so he didn't know that Lukas had made his homosexuality public among the other students quite early on, and the sovereignty with which he handled it prevented everyone from giving him a hard time. Many admired him for his openness. Leon, on the other hand, believed that Lukas had earned the appropriate “credit” by getting into a fight and had been left alone ever since.
The lecture began. Normally, Leon would have sat at the back in the corner, but Lukas had persuaded him to sit next to him.
After Lukas had borrowed a pen and paper from Alex (actually Alexandra, but everyone called her Alex), Alex wanted to know what was wrong with Leon, because she had noticed his departure and was worried. Alex was a savior wherever someone was in trouble, and she wanted to save the world, even if it was often not possible for her. Leon remained silent and so did Lukas, but he wrote something on a piece of paper for Alex. They often did this so that no one would hear them, and to make it even more appealing, they encrypted it.
So Lukas wrote (here, of course, in plain text):
I found Leon crying on the beach earlier, something must have happened. I think he's doing very badly. I want to help him and I'm afraid he might do something to himself.
Do you have a plan?
Yes, I think I'll take him to my place to study. He can do a lot of things that cause me problems and vice versa, so I can also show him that I want to be there for him as a friend. And maybe then he'll tell me what's bothering him.
Are you sure you just want to be a friend?
No, I'm not. He's really cute, but even if he's not gay, I can accept that. Still, I can make a good friend out of him if everything goes well.
Ok, but just one thing: if I didn't already know that you're gay – after you used the word 'cute', I'd know for sure!
You can be a real pain sometimes, you know that?
That's my best quality!
I know, and that's why I love talking to you!
When Lukas thought about it, he had really found a friend in Alex and not just a study partner. He resolved to meet up with her more often outside of university and studying, but that would have to wait.
Leon was annoyed; he saw that Alex and Lukas were exchanging notes, but he couldn't read what was written there, it was all a jumble of letters. Lukas pulled him out of his thoughts:
“Do you actually have any plans this afternoon after the lecture?”
Leon was caught off guard, so caught off guard that he simply said, “No.”
“Good, then you'll come to my place and we'll study!“
”But…“
”No buts, that's the decision!“
”But…“
”Believe me, Leon, when he sets his mind to something, he's as stubborn as an elephant,“ Alex interjected.
”Hey, don't compare me to an elephant. I haven't been that fat for a long time!”
“Ah, so the fine gentleman doesn't want to be compared to the land animal with probably the best memory after humans.“
”You and your stupid biology degree!“
”Hey, at least I get to dissect fish there.”
Lukas and Alex didn't really argue, they just liked to smirk at each other's expense. The math lecture was always like a sleeping pill, they preferred to study together afterwards, but not this time. This time Lukas wanted to study with Leon, and Alex sensed that it would be better if she stayed out of it.
“I hate to interrupt you lovebirds,” Leon interrupted the two, ‘but the lecture is over!’
Lukas and Alex were perplexed. Leon hadn't quietly slipped away or waited, but had overcome some of his own fears, even if there was still a long way to go.
However, Lukas and Alex burst out laughing at first. They found the idea that they were lovebirds too funny; after all, Alex was a lesbian and in a relationship , which Leon couldn't have known, and Lukas was gay, which Leon could have known but had missed. This fit of laughter upset Leon, and Lukas noticed that. Before anything else could happen, he said goodbye to Alex, grabbed Leon, and was already on his way home.
He figured he wouldn't be able to pick up his bike today.
When they arrived at Lukas's student residence, the two of them started studying. They realized how well they complemented each other and forgot about time as they talked about all kinds of things. They realized that they had a lot in common, such as their love of the water, whereupon Lukas invited Leon to a sailing weekend. Leon was in a good mood the whole evening and put his other plans on hold for the time being, even if he didn't put them on ice. After all, he thought, this friendship that was developing with Lukas would end at the latest when Lukas found out that he was gay. Before they knew it, it was 11 p.m., and Lukas offered Leon to stay overnight. Since there were no lectures the next day, this was a good idea, and Leon accepted with thanks after a moment's hesitation. Lukas said he would quickly check something online before he would get the sofa ready for Leon, so Leon went to the bathroom and got ready for bed.
Meanwhile, Lukas looked on dbna and SJ to see if there was anything new, but found that there was not. Without closing the browser window, he went to get a blanket and a pillow.
During that time, Leon came out of the bathroom and saw that Lukas still had his laptop on. Without really meaning to, he looked at the sites Lukas was surfing and was shocked. He knew the pages, but would never have expected that Lukas, the Lukas, the loner, who could well be described as a heart-throb, was surfing on these pages. He was left gasping, a muffled groan escaped his throat, he wanted to leave, but didn't know why, since his dream had come true. Tears began to run down his face and he broke down whimpering.
In the next room, Lukas heard the groaning and was alarmed. What had happened? Had Leon discovered the pages and had a problem with gays? Although that was out of the question, after all, everyone knew that he was gay, didn't they? Lukas quickly ran back into the main room and saw Leon on the floor. He was perplexed. What was going on? Had Leon done something to himself, had he had an allergic reaction? He bent over Leon, not knowing what to say. Until he realized he didn't have to say anything. Instead, he carefully took Leon's hand, which initially still resisted but then gave up, and stroked Leon's cheek with his other hand.
Over time, Leon calmed down. But he couldn't look at Lukas, he was too confused. Lukas is gay? This was a misunderstanding, a stupid joke! 'Lukas just wanted to make fun of me. He planned it with Alex, there's a camera somewhere, and tomorrow everyone will make fun of me'. Leon just wanted to die at that moment, all the joy of the afternoon was wiped out. But why was Lukas holding his hand then? Why was he stroking him? Leon didn't understand anything anymore, but he didn't want to understand anything anymore either, didn't want to be anything. He wanted to look Lukas in the eye, but couldn't, he was afraid that his last hope would be washed away by the look. Suddenly he felt Lukas' hand come out of his and gently take his head in his hands and turn it. Leon was afraid. 'Now Lukas is forcing me to look into his eyes, he wants to savor his triumph properly'. Leon closed his eyes. He didn't think he had the strength to withstand Lukas' gaze. Suddenly he heard Lukas' voice, but it was unexpectedly gentle:
"Leon, please tell me what's wrong. I'm worried about you!”
Leon didn't believe Lukas, not anymore; he thought it was a ploy by Lukas to savor the final triumph. 'First pretending to want to catch me and then throwing me into an even deeper hole,' Leon thought. 'At least it's the last time this can happen to me': He was now finally sure that he would draw the line under it. But suddenly he felt something warm, salty, and liquid dripping onto his face.
“Is Lukas crying or is this just another trick?” Leon wondered.
Even though he had made his peace with life, his curiosity got the better of him and he opened his eyes. And indeed, Lukas was crying. His deep brown eyes fixed Leon's, and Leon realized that they radiated an honest sadness, but also an insight and a decision. Leon couldn't take his eyes off Lukas; he felt safe in Lukas's gaze and never wanted to look away again. Once again, everything swirled around in his head. 'What is true, what is false?' he kept asking himself. 'Is this really a trick or not?' Could someone act so well? Leon didn't know. Leon didn't know anything anymore; he sank deeper and deeper into those eyes and became more and more relaxed inside.
Lukas didn't know how long he had been kneeling next to Leon, holding his hand and stroking his cheek. He didn't know what was going on in Leon's mind, but he had an idea. If Leon had a problem with gays, he wouldn't let himself be stroked by one so easily. Lukas was much more inclined to believe that Leon was gay himself but couldn't or didn't want to show it. He didn't know why this was so, he only knew one thing: he wanted to be there for Leon, no matter what, he was sure that he was in love with Leon, but Leon was reacting strangely. Lukas felt that Leon was slipping away from him, that he could be right in his suspicion, which he had been entertaining all day, that Leon could do something to himself. No, he couldn't let that happen, even if they hadn't known each other for long. He knew he needed Leon, and he knew Leon needed him too. At some point, he took Leon's head in his hands and turned it so that he could look Leon in the eyes. He knew that if he just looked at Leon, looked deeply into his eyes, he would know what was wrong with Leon, and that Leon would then understand what he felt. But Leon squinted his eyes shut and refused this intimate moment in which their souls would be connected and a new life would begin for them both. After a while, Lukas began to cry, he didn't even know exactly why, he just did, and suddenly Leon opened his eyes, and their eyes met. Lukas saw confusion in Leon's gaze, saw that Leon had experienced things that he couldn't yet, maybe never, understand, realized that he was afraid of what would happen, and realized that Leon might have misinterpreted the whole thing. Lukas simply gazed into Leon's watery blue eyes and it was clear to him that Leon belonged to him, that he couldn't imagine his life without Leon, and he saw that Leon's gaze into his eyes led to Leon also realizing something, the realization that Lukas meant him no harm, the realization that they belonged together. When Lukas saw how Leon relaxed, he knew what had to be done. He moved his head in the direction of Leon, and saw that Leon didn't understand at first, but then realized what Lukas had in mind, and came to meet him. When their mouths found each other in a seemingly endless kiss, the first for both of them in their lives, the bond between them was inseparably forged. Nothing in life would ever be able to separate them.
After the kiss, they fell into each other's arms and wept with joy. No words were necessary; they understood each other perfectly. Lukas helped Leon up off the floor, and together they went to bed, where they fell asleep, snuggled close together, with smiles on their faces.
Unfortunately, the next morning came much too early. As the first rays of sunlight fell through the window, they both woke up and looked into each other's eyes for a long time.
Leon was about to explain his behavior, but Lukas just said, “You don't need to say anything, I already know.”
“How?” Leon breathed.
“I sensed it for the first time on the beach, but I only became certain when I looked into your eyes last night, when I saw your doubts vanish, when I saw how you abandoned your dark plans when only love remained. I love you, Leon!“
”I love you too, Lukas!”
After they got up and had breakfast, they went to the beach, where it all began. They looked out to the waves together, leaning on each other, and although they didn't exchange a word, they told each other more about themselves than can be expressed in words.
A few weeks had passed since Leon and Lukas had found each other. At first, Leon had been skeptical about whether he should show his environment that he was gay and in a relationship, but Lukas gave him strength, and so he managed to face it. On campus, everyone quickly knew, and hardly anyone was bothered by it. The others just took it for granted. Alex was, of course, extremely excited when Lukas and Leon revealed themselves to her, and amazed at how good Lukas' knowledge of human nature was in certain situations. Lukas and Leon had since moved in together and lived together in Leon's flat. Even though many thought it was too soon, they didn't let that stop them. After all, they knew they would never break up.
Lukas' parents already knew that their son was gay; he had told them shortly after his 18th birthday. Although their reaction was not negative, they could not really accept him, or they simply did not care about their son's feelings.
Since Lukas' parents paid for accommodation, they noticed at some point that he was spending less money and asked him why. And so he told them that he was living with his boyfriend. Although they were worried at first, they let it be and wanted him to find his own way and have his own experiences. They had not yet met their future son-in-law in person, but Lukas had decided to make up for it as soon as possible. And what was even more important to him, he wanted to share his happiness with his grandparents.
His relationship with his grandparents was closer than with his parents, which was mainly due to the fact that before he went to kindergarten or primary school, he was almost exclusively raised by his grandparents. His parents were both still working at the time. It was only later that his father had to give up his job due to burnout, and even though he was always there, he was only able to take care of him to a limited extent due to his illness. Lukas was influenced by his grandparents; they were always there for him, they listened to him, they were interested in him and they took his coming out much better than his parents did.
Leon, on the other hand, was not out. After having bad experiences at school, he was too afraid to tell his family that they would have a son-in-law instead of a daughter-in-law. But now his parents were coming to visit. This was nothing new in itself, especially since they didn't live far away, but it was the first time since he and Lukas had moved in together, and Leon was understandably nervous. He feverishly searched for a solution to avoid confronting his parents, but couldn't find one that really convinced him.
Lukas noticed that Leon was more nervous than usual and was afraid that Leon would revert to his old behavior, so he addressed Leon directly.
“What's the matter, Leon?”
“Oh, nothing, it's just the stress of university.”
"Don't talk nonsense, there are no exams coming up right now!”
Leon turned away and looked sadly at the ground.
“Leon, I'm your friend! No matter what, you don't have to go through this alone.”
“You're right,” Leon looked ashamed at the ground, “but I'm afraid of what you'll think of me if I tell you.”
“Why should I think differently about you? There is nothing that could diminish my love for you.“
”Well, you know, you're so open about your sexuality, you don't hide yourself.“
”Don't you forget that we're both outed as a couple at university?“
”Oh, that's not what I mean.”
“Then say what you mean!“ Lukas was almost pleading in his attempt to help his friend.
”Your family knows about us, I mean about us as a couple.“
”Yes, my family knows that I'm gay.” Lukas didn't know what Leon was getting at.
“Well, my family doesn't know, and I'm afraid of what will happen when they find out.“ Tears ran down Leon's face.
”Hey,“ Lukas took his friend in his arms, ‘you don't have to tell them anything if you don't want to, but whatever you decide, I'll stand behind you.’
”Oh, that's not what I mean, or is it, and yet it isn't.”
“I don't understand.“
”My parents are coming over this weekend, and they'll realize that I don't live here alone.“
”Ah, now I understand, but just because you don't live alone doesn't mean you necessarily live in a relationship with me.“
”What else could it mean!” Leon was close to despair.
“We could also have just set up a shared flat for practical reasons, or I could just be a friend who, by a stupid coincidence, had to move out of his place and is now spending a few weeks on your sofa.“
”But there are pictures of us as a couple everywhere.”
“Oh Leon, if you don't want to tell your parents, I'll support you. I can't force you to do it, and everything else is just a question of how good our story is.“
”But I'm not a good actor.”
“You don't have to. You just have to remember the story, and if you get into trouble, I'll step in and save you.“ Lukas was almost amused by Leon.
”You really think you'd hide for me?“
”Hey Leon, look me in the eye, I'd do a lot more for you!”
When Leon looked up and, as so often in the last few weeks, sank into Lukas' eyes, he knew once again that nothing could happen to him with Lukas at his side. Lukas always knew a way, or at least it seemed that way. Even though Leon wondered from time to time why he deserved Lukas, he had realized that Lukas also benefited from his closeness. Lukas had Leon, after Leon could no longer and had told the whole truth in tears, what he had felt on that day that changed his life, and what decision he had been willing to put into action, just hugged him and told him he knew what he had been through. Leon didn't know what Lukas meant by that, after all, it couldn't be that Lukas, the strong, unbreakable Lukas, had ever been so low. Leon had planned to ask Lukas at the time, but he had never found the courage to do so. But now he asked Lukas.
Lukas was initially surprised that Leon asked him this question right now, but he had been waiting for Leon to finally ask him for quite some time. And so he told Leon everything, hesitantly at first, then more and more in detail and with more emotion. In the end, he cried, because although he had actually left this episode of his life behind him long ago and thought he had worked through it, there were more pent-up emotions than he thought. When he finished, he looked at Leon. He was silent and looked at Lukas with different eyes, but he didn't think worse of him. Finally, he understood completely and in the last consequence what had induced Lukas to pick him up on the beach and take him with him. However, Lukas had not completely clarified one question.
"Who helped you back then to get out of the abyss of your thoughts?”
“Part of it I have to ascribe to myself. I thought about the subject until I could accept it; another part of the credit goes to Alex, she went to school with me earlier and was the first to see behind my former facade of isolation someone who actually didn't want to isolate himself from everyone, but just didn't know how to deal with himself and the other people around him. She was the first person I confided in back then, and she gave me the courage to come out completely and thus lay down some of my demons. I still wrestled with the others for a while, but the struggle didn't escalate anymore. Since then, I never once wasted a thought on ending my life.“
”Alex is a really good friend to you, isn't she?”
“Yes, even if I only recognized that late. But she isn't just a friend for me, she has also taken you into her heart. And don't worry that I'll be unfaithful to you because of her – she's a lesbian!” Lukas grinned from ear to ear. He had finally opened up and even made a joke out of it. He saw that Leon couldn't help but smirk as well.
Lukas had gotten up early that day, as he did every day when he had a lecture. Even though he could have slept longer, after all his lecture was not until the afternoon block starting at 2 p.m., he still made a point of getting up at 7 a.m. After all, there had to be a certain amount of order in life, as he always said, although this was probably the only thing he approached in such an orderly and conscientious manner, because in fact he was a medium-sized natural disaster when it came to order. But what would he have gained from a differently designed daily schedule? Here, at the place where he would study for another 4 1/2 years, he had no friends, let alone the one friend he longed for. So after breakfast he went shopping, did his university homework superficially and, when he looked at his watch, realized that he still had almost 5 hours before the lecture started. Of course, he could have spent the time revising for his assignments or checking the internet for new stories, but he wasn't really in the mood for either. So he decided to go to the beach. As a sailor, he loved the water, and even though it made him sad that he rarely went sailing anymore because he didn't have a boat here in the college town, he liked to walk along the beach and let his mind wander. The sea air always allowed him to think more clearly. So he swung himself onto his bike and sped off, as always without really noticing what was happening around him. He knew that he would never find anyone, whether as a friend in general or a friend in particular, and even though he repeatedly resolved to approach people more openly, he rarely succeeded. When he arrived at the beach, he locked his bike and set a timer. After all, he still had to go back to the dormitory to get his documents, and he didn't really want to be late for the lecture; after all, that wasn't his style. The beach was empty that fall morning, and there was a rather fresh breeze. There were no tourists to be seen, who had flooded the beach in recent months. “All the better,” thought Lukas, “at least I can't run over anyone when I get too lost in my thoughts again.” So he wandered around for a while and actually became more and more lost in thought. He imagined how nice it would be to walk arm in arm with someone and just enjoy each other's company. Even though he gave the impression of being an unapproachable loner, he was actually a romantic at heart. After a while, he looked at his watch and realized that he still had enough time, which prompted him to stop and look for a sheltered place where he could spend some time watching the sea without the wind cooling him down too much. Unfortunately, the only place that seemed suitable to him was already occupied. A young man, who must have been the same age as him, was sitting there staring thoughtfully out to sea. For a moment, Lukas thought about just moving on and looking for another place, but then he remembered his resolutions to be more open with people, and he decided to at least say a cheerful “Moin Moin” and maybe a conversation would develop from it. As he approached, he noticed that he knew the person sitting there from seeing him around. He was quickly quite sure that this was one of the students from the math teaching program that he was also attending. “Well, that makes starting the conversation easier,” Lukas was pleased to think to himself, ‘if only I could remember his name; Leonard, Lars, anything with an L,’ until he realized that Leon - he had finally remembered the name - but at that time, if he wasn't mistaken, he would actually have to attend the biology lecture. This was one of those moments when Lukas was annoyed not to have a smartphone. He would have loved to have asked his math study partner, who was sitting in the biology lecture with Leon, via WhatsApp if something had happened. But something was obviously wrong with Leon, because the closer he got, the more certain he became that Leon was crying.
Leon didn't even notice how Lukas approached. In his thoughts, he was free, detached and without fear; in his thoughts, he could be what he was afraid of in reality; in his thoughts, he could be gay. He imagined what it would be like to watch a movie with his boyfriend or just sit here in the sand, leaning against each other and being happy. His tears were still flowing and he still wondered how reality could be so cruel. But something disturbed his thoughts, at first he didn't even notice it, but suddenly he realized that someone was addressing him. He looked up and saw Lukas. “On top of everything else,” Leon despaired inwardly, “he surely knows that I went crazy this morning and has drawn his conclusions.” Expecting Lukas to launch into a tirade about gays, Leon felt sick, but he knew from experience that confronting the all-powerful tormentors was useless. It was best to submit and get it over with. He secretly hoped that this tirade would give him the final push to put his plan into action. He didn't really want to know what Lukas was saying; in his opinion, he knew what was coming anyway. But suddenly he pricked up his ears. Even if he didn't hear what Lukas was saying, he realized that Lukas wasn't swearing at him at all; rather, he seemed to really want to talk to him. So Leon focused his attention on Lukas. He knew he still had tears in his eyes, but he didn't care. Tomorrow, no one would have to endure his presence anymore.
“Hi, Lukas,” he whispered.
“Ah, you're still among the living, after all,” he replied, half amused. “I thought you were lost in thought, immersed in the sea.”
“You're not that far off,” thought Leon, and said, “No, I was just lost in thought.”
“Say, don't you have the bio lecture now, or is the prof playing sick again?“
”Nah, I couldn't stand it in bio anymore, but I'm sure you already know that,“ Leon replied tiredly.
”How should I know?“
”Well, that'll be making the rounds on WhatsApp already.”
“Then I can't know,” said Lukas and showed Leon his old Samsung slider cell phone. ‘WhatsApp can't do that.’
Lukas had now had a ‘click.’ Leon's reaction, which was a mixture of total exhaustion and hatred for the world, as well as the tears in his eyes, prompted him to steer the superficial chat in a different direction. He knew that Leon had even fewer social contacts than he did and wanted to help, especially since Leon was also quite cute. Lukas didn't really like to use this word, but whenever he saw Leon, it came to mind.
"Man, Leon, what happened? I can tell you're in a bad way.”
“Oh leave me alone, Lukas, you're not interested in that anyway.“
”Leon, I know that you don't have anyone to talk to, and you tell everyone that you don't need anyone either, but I'm not blind. I can see that something is bothering you that you really want to talk about. I see that it is eating you up, and I think I sense that you have made a decision that I would call the biggest mistake you could make. You don't have to tell me anything, but I'd like to win you over as a friend. I think there's more to you than most people see and believe, maybe even more than you know or hope.”
Leon was amazed. Instead of blaming him for his behavior, Lukas was actually concerned about how he was doing. “I seem to be important to him somehow,” Leon wondered, “could it be that he's gay and helping me because he has a crush on me?” But Leon dismissed the thought right away; it seemed too far-fetched. Lukas and gay – never.
“You're right,” Leon answered Lukas. ‘I really don't want to talk about it.’
A little disappointed, but still confident, Lukas replied, ‘All right, but if you want to talk, I'm here.’ ”Well, now we should go to the math lecture. I can't even manage to get my things anymore.”
“I'm not going to math today.“
”Yes, you're coming with me, even if I have to force you!” Lukas' voice had taken on a commanding tone. ‘I'm not going to leave you sitting out here in the cold.’
Leon knew that arguing would be futile. He hardly knew Lukas, but he had noticed that when Lukas set his mind to something, he stuck to it.
Lukas knew it was better to go together with Leon, so he left his bike on the beach and went back to the university together with Leon. Even though it was not good that he had forgotten his documents, he could borrow a pen and paper from Alex, his math learning partner and the closest thing to a good friend.
On the way to the university, Leon and Lukas talked a little more about the math material, and they both realized that they might be able to help each other with the material, since their strengths were shifted accordingly. Although it was actually clear to Leon that it wouldn't come to that, after all, he wouldn't be around long enough to help.
Even if Lukas didn't know what Leon was thinking, he had an idea. He himself had been very desperate and had thought of the easy way out of suicide. Leo was behaving similarly to how he had back then. Actually, he seemed very determined, and that scared Lukas. He therefore decided not to let Leon out of his sight for the time being and to help him.
Leon was afraid of how the other students would react. After all, he was the outsider and had already received one or two verbal jabs, and after the morning's incident, he was expecting them. But no one started picking on him because of it. Some may not have noticed, but Leon had a different guess, and that was Lukas. No one attacked Lukas, and anyone who was with Lukas enjoyed a certain protection. Leon didn't know why that was, he didn't know much about what happened between the students, and so he didn't know that Lukas had made his homosexuality public among the other students quite early on, and the sovereignty with which he handled it prevented everyone from giving him a hard time. Many admired him for his openness. Leon, on the other hand, believed that Lukas had earned the appropriate “credit” by getting into a fight and had been left alone ever since.
The lecture began. Normally, Leon would have sat at the back in the corner, but Lukas had persuaded him to sit next to him.
After Lukas had borrowed a pen and paper from Alex (actually Alexandra, but everyone called her Alex), Alex wanted to know what was wrong with Leon, because she had noticed his departure and was worried. Alex was a savior wherever someone was in trouble, and she wanted to save the world, even if it was often not possible for her. Leon remained silent and so did Lukas, but he wrote something on a piece of paper for Alex. They often did this so that no one would hear them, and to make it even more appealing, they encrypted it.
So Lukas wrote (here, of course, in plain text):
I found Leon crying on the beach earlier, something must have happened. I think he's doing very badly. I want to help him and I'm afraid he might do something to himself.
Do you have a plan?
Yes, I think I'll take him to my place to study. He can do a lot of things that cause me problems and vice versa, so I can also show him that I want to be there for him as a friend. And maybe then he'll tell me what's bothering him.
Are you sure you just want to be a friend?
No, I'm not. He's really cute, but even if he's not gay, I can accept that. Still, I can make a good friend out of him if everything goes well.
Ok, but just one thing: if I didn't already know that you're gay – after you used the word 'cute', I'd know for sure!
You can be a real pain sometimes, you know that?
That's my best quality!
I know, and that's why I love talking to you!
When Lukas thought about it, he had really found a friend in Alex and not just a study partner. He resolved to meet up with her more often outside of university and studying, but that would have to wait.
Leon was annoyed; he saw that Alex and Lukas were exchanging notes, but he couldn't read what was written there, it was all a jumble of letters. Lukas pulled him out of his thoughts:
“Do you actually have any plans this afternoon after the lecture?”
Leon was caught off guard, so caught off guard that he simply said, “No.”
“Good, then you'll come to my place and we'll study!“
”But…“
”No buts, that's the decision!“
”But…“
”Believe me, Leon, when he sets his mind to something, he's as stubborn as an elephant,“ Alex interjected.
”Hey, don't compare me to an elephant. I haven't been that fat for a long time!”
“Ah, so the fine gentleman doesn't want to be compared to the land animal with probably the best memory after humans.“
”You and your stupid biology degree!“
”Hey, at least I get to dissect fish there.”
Lukas and Alex didn't really argue, they just liked to smirk at each other's expense. The math lecture was always like a sleeping pill, they preferred to study together afterwards, but not this time. This time Lukas wanted to study with Leon, and Alex sensed that it would be better if she stayed out of it.
“I hate to interrupt you lovebirds,” Leon interrupted the two, ‘but the lecture is over!’
Lukas and Alex were perplexed. Leon hadn't quietly slipped away or waited, but had overcome some of his own fears, even if there was still a long way to go.
However, Lukas and Alex burst out laughing at first. They found the idea that they were lovebirds too funny; after all, Alex was a lesbian and in a relationship , which Leon couldn't have known, and Lukas was gay, which Leon could have known but had missed. This fit of laughter upset Leon, and Lukas noticed that. Before anything else could happen, he said goodbye to Alex, grabbed Leon, and was already on his way home.
He figured he wouldn't be able to pick up his bike today.
When they arrived at Lukas's student residence, the two of them started studying. They realized how well they complemented each other and forgot about time as they talked about all kinds of things. They realized that they had a lot in common, such as their love of the water, whereupon Lukas invited Leon to a sailing weekend. Leon was in a good mood the whole evening and put his other plans on hold for the time being, even if he didn't put them on ice. After all, he thought, this friendship that was developing with Lukas would end at the latest when Lukas found out that he was gay. Before they knew it, it was 11 p.m., and Lukas offered Leon to stay overnight. Since there were no lectures the next day, this was a good idea, and Leon accepted with thanks after a moment's hesitation. Lukas said he would quickly check something online before he would get the sofa ready for Leon, so Leon went to the bathroom and got ready for bed.
Meanwhile, Lukas looked on dbna and SJ to see if there was anything new, but found that there was not. Without closing the browser window, he went to get a blanket and a pillow.
During that time, Leon came out of the bathroom and saw that Lukas still had his laptop on. Without really meaning to, he looked at the sites Lukas was surfing and was shocked. He knew the pages, but would never have expected that Lukas, the Lukas, the loner, who could well be described as a heart-throb, was surfing on these pages. He was left gasping, a muffled groan escaped his throat, he wanted to leave, but didn't know why, since his dream had come true. Tears began to run down his face and he broke down whimpering.
In the next room, Lukas heard the groaning and was alarmed. What had happened? Had Leon discovered the pages and had a problem with gays? Although that was out of the question, after all, everyone knew that he was gay, didn't they? Lukas quickly ran back into the main room and saw Leon on the floor. He was perplexed. What was going on? Had Leon done something to himself, had he had an allergic reaction? He bent over Leon, not knowing what to say. Until he realized he didn't have to say anything. Instead, he carefully took Leon's hand, which initially still resisted but then gave up, and stroked Leon's cheek with his other hand.
Over time, Leon calmed down. But he couldn't look at Lukas, he was too confused. Lukas is gay? This was a misunderstanding, a stupid joke! 'Lukas just wanted to make fun of me. He planned it with Alex, there's a camera somewhere, and tomorrow everyone will make fun of me'. Leon just wanted to die at that moment, all the joy of the afternoon was wiped out. But why was Lukas holding his hand then? Why was he stroking him? Leon didn't understand anything anymore, but he didn't want to understand anything anymore either, didn't want to be anything. He wanted to look Lukas in the eye, but couldn't, he was afraid that his last hope would be washed away by the look. Suddenly he felt Lukas' hand come out of his and gently take his head in his hands and turn it. Leon was afraid. 'Now Lukas is forcing me to look into his eyes, he wants to savor his triumph properly'. Leon closed his eyes. He didn't think he had the strength to withstand Lukas' gaze. Suddenly he heard Lukas' voice, but it was unexpectedly gentle:
"Leon, please tell me what's wrong. I'm worried about you!”
Leon didn't believe Lukas, not anymore; he thought it was a ploy by Lukas to savor the final triumph. 'First pretending to want to catch me and then throwing me into an even deeper hole,' Leon thought. 'At least it's the last time this can happen to me': He was now finally sure that he would draw the line under it. But suddenly he felt something warm, salty, and liquid dripping onto his face.
“Is Lukas crying or is this just another trick?” Leon wondered.
Even though he had made his peace with life, his curiosity got the better of him and he opened his eyes. And indeed, Lukas was crying. His deep brown eyes fixed Leon's, and Leon realized that they radiated an honest sadness, but also an insight and a decision. Leon couldn't take his eyes off Lukas; he felt safe in Lukas's gaze and never wanted to look away again. Once again, everything swirled around in his head. 'What is true, what is false?' he kept asking himself. 'Is this really a trick or not?' Could someone act so well? Leon didn't know. Leon didn't know anything anymore; he sank deeper and deeper into those eyes and became more and more relaxed inside.
Lukas didn't know how long he had been kneeling next to Leon, holding his hand and stroking his cheek. He didn't know what was going on in Leon's mind, but he had an idea. If Leon had a problem with gays, he wouldn't let himself be stroked by one so easily. Lukas was much more inclined to believe that Leon was gay himself but couldn't or didn't want to show it. He didn't know why this was so, he only knew one thing: he wanted to be there for Leon, no matter what, he was sure that he was in love with Leon, but Leon was reacting strangely. Lukas felt that Leon was slipping away from him, that he could be right in his suspicion, which he had been entertaining all day, that Leon could do something to himself. No, he couldn't let that happen, even if they hadn't known each other for long. He knew he needed Leon, and he knew Leon needed him too. At some point, he took Leon's head in his hands and turned it so that he could look Leon in the eyes. He knew that if he just looked at Leon, looked deeply into his eyes, he would know what was wrong with Leon, and that Leon would then understand what he felt. But Leon squinted his eyes shut and refused this intimate moment in which their souls would be connected and a new life would begin for them both. After a while, Lukas began to cry, he didn't even know exactly why, he just did, and suddenly Leon opened his eyes, and their eyes met. Lukas saw confusion in Leon's gaze, saw that Leon had experienced things that he couldn't yet, maybe never, understand, realized that he was afraid of what would happen, and realized that Leon might have misinterpreted the whole thing. Lukas simply gazed into Leon's watery blue eyes and it was clear to him that Leon belonged to him, that he couldn't imagine his life without Leon, and he saw that Leon's gaze into his eyes led to Leon also realizing something, the realization that Lukas meant him no harm, the realization that they belonged together. When Lukas saw how Leon relaxed, he knew what had to be done. He moved his head in the direction of Leon, and saw that Leon didn't understand at first, but then realized what Lukas had in mind, and came to meet him. When their mouths found each other in a seemingly endless kiss, the first for both of them in their lives, the bond between them was inseparably forged. Nothing in life would ever be able to separate them.
After the kiss, they fell into each other's arms and wept with joy. No words were necessary; they understood each other perfectly. Lukas helped Leon up off the floor, and together they went to bed, where they fell asleep, snuggled close together, with smiles on their faces.
Unfortunately, the next morning came much too early. As the first rays of sunlight fell through the window, they both woke up and looked into each other's eyes for a long time.
Leon was about to explain his behavior, but Lukas just said, “You don't need to say anything, I already know.”
“How?” Leon breathed.
“I sensed it for the first time on the beach, but I only became certain when I looked into your eyes last night, when I saw your doubts vanish, when I saw how you abandoned your dark plans when only love remained. I love you, Leon!“
”I love you too, Lukas!”
After they got up and had breakfast, they went to the beach, where it all began. They looked out to the waves together, leaning on each other, and although they didn't exchange a word, they told each other more about themselves than can be expressed in words.
A few weeks had passed since Leon and Lukas had found each other. At first, Leon had been skeptical about whether he should show his environment that he was gay and in a relationship, but Lukas gave him strength, and so he managed to face it. On campus, everyone quickly knew, and hardly anyone was bothered by it. The others just took it for granted. Alex was, of course, extremely excited when Lukas and Leon revealed themselves to her, and amazed at how good Lukas' knowledge of human nature was in certain situations. Lukas and Leon had since moved in together and lived together in Leon's flat. Even though many thought it was too soon, they didn't let that stop them. After all, they knew they would never break up.
Lukas' parents already knew that their son was gay; he had told them shortly after his 18th birthday. Although their reaction was not negative, they could not really accept him, or they simply did not care about their son's feelings.
Since Lukas' parents paid for accommodation, they noticed at some point that he was spending less money and asked him why. And so he told them that he was living with his boyfriend. Although they were worried at first, they let it be and wanted him to find his own way and have his own experiences. They had not yet met their future son-in-law in person, but Lukas had decided to make up for it as soon as possible. And what was even more important to him, he wanted to share his happiness with his grandparents.
His relationship with his grandparents was closer than with his parents, which was mainly due to the fact that before he went to kindergarten or primary school, he was almost exclusively raised by his grandparents. His parents were both still working at the time. It was only later that his father had to give up his job due to burnout, and even though he was always there, he was only able to take care of him to a limited extent due to his illness. Lukas was influenced by his grandparents; they were always there for him, they listened to him, they were interested in him and they took his coming out much better than his parents did.
Leon, on the other hand, was not out. After having bad experiences at school, he was too afraid to tell his family that they would have a son-in-law instead of a daughter-in-law. But now his parents were coming to visit. This was nothing new in itself, especially since they didn't live far away, but it was the first time since he and Lukas had moved in together, and Leon was understandably nervous. He feverishly searched for a solution to avoid confronting his parents, but couldn't find one that really convinced him.
Lukas noticed that Leon was more nervous than usual and was afraid that Leon would revert to his old behavior, so he addressed Leon directly.
“What's the matter, Leon?”
“Oh, nothing, it's just the stress of university.”
"Don't talk nonsense, there are no exams coming up right now!”
Leon turned away and looked sadly at the ground.
“Leon, I'm your friend! No matter what, you don't have to go through this alone.”
“You're right,” Leon looked ashamed at the ground, “but I'm afraid of what you'll think of me if I tell you.”
“Why should I think differently about you? There is nothing that could diminish my love for you.“
”Well, you know, you're so open about your sexuality, you don't hide yourself.“
”Don't you forget that we're both outed as a couple at university?“
”Oh, that's not what I mean.”
“Then say what you mean!“ Lukas was almost pleading in his attempt to help his friend.
”Your family knows about us, I mean about us as a couple.“
”Yes, my family knows that I'm gay.” Lukas didn't know what Leon was getting at.
“Well, my family doesn't know, and I'm afraid of what will happen when they find out.“ Tears ran down Leon's face.
”Hey,“ Lukas took his friend in his arms, ‘you don't have to tell them anything if you don't want to, but whatever you decide, I'll stand behind you.’
”Oh, that's not what I mean, or is it, and yet it isn't.”
“I don't understand.“
”My parents are coming over this weekend, and they'll realize that I don't live here alone.“
”Ah, now I understand, but just because you don't live alone doesn't mean you necessarily live in a relationship with me.“
”What else could it mean!” Leon was close to despair.
“We could also have just set up a shared flat for practical reasons, or I could just be a friend who, by a stupid coincidence, had to move out of his place and is now spending a few weeks on your sofa.“
”But there are pictures of us as a couple everywhere.”
“Oh Leon, if you don't want to tell your parents, I'll support you. I can't force you to do it, and everything else is just a question of how good our story is.“
”But I'm not a good actor.”
“You don't have to. You just have to remember the story, and if you get into trouble, I'll step in and save you.“ Lukas was almost amused by Leon.
”You really think you'd hide for me?“
”Hey Leon, look me in the eye, I'd do a lot more for you!”
When Leon looked up and, as so often in the last few weeks, sank into Lukas' eyes, he knew once again that nothing could happen to him with Lukas at his side. Lukas always knew a way, or at least it seemed that way. Even though Leon wondered from time to time why he deserved Lukas, he had realized that Lukas also benefited from his closeness. Lukas had Leon, after Leon could no longer and had told the whole truth in tears, what he had felt on that day that changed his life, and what decision he had been willing to put into action, just hugged him and told him he knew what he had been through. Leon didn't know what Lukas meant by that, after all, it couldn't be that Lukas, the strong, unbreakable Lukas, had ever been so low. Leon had planned to ask Lukas at the time, but he had never found the courage to do so. But now he asked Lukas.
Lukas was initially surprised that Leon asked him this question right now, but he had been waiting for Leon to finally ask him for quite some time. And so he told Leon everything, hesitantly at first, then more and more in detail and with more emotion. In the end, he cried, because although he had actually left this episode of his life behind him long ago and thought he had worked through it, there were more pent-up emotions than he thought. When he finished, he looked at Leon. He was silent and looked at Lukas with different eyes, but he didn't think worse of him. Finally, he understood completely and in the last consequence what had induced Lukas to pick him up on the beach and take him with him. However, Lukas had not completely clarified one question.
"Who helped you back then to get out of the abyss of your thoughts?”
“Part of it I have to ascribe to myself. I thought about the subject until I could accept it; another part of the credit goes to Alex, she went to school with me earlier and was the first to see behind my former facade of isolation someone who actually didn't want to isolate himself from everyone, but just didn't know how to deal with himself and the other people around him. She was the first person I confided in back then, and she gave me the courage to come out completely and thus lay down some of my demons. I still wrestled with the others for a while, but the struggle didn't escalate anymore. Since then, I never once wasted a thought on ending my life.“
”Alex is a really good friend to you, isn't she?”
“Yes, even if I only recognized that late. But she isn't just a friend for me, she has also taken you into her heart. And don't worry that I'll be unfaithful to you because of her – she's a lesbian!” Lukas grinned from ear to ear. He had finally opened up and even made a joke out of it. He saw that Leon couldn't help but smirk as well.