2025-07-10, 02:05 PM
On the right bank
It was a sultry Sunday afternoon. An especially sultry one... one of those where everything melts... one of those where you don't leave the house... one of those where you curse yourself and the world because the apartment is not equipped with air conditioning.
I stared at the curtain and could have sworn I saw movements. The white fabric did move... But only in my imagination... It was one of those fascinating moments when my subconscious came to the surface. Everyone has these moments... If you think of something specific and open a book, the eye can glide through the jungle of letters and find these and only these words for a moment. It seems as if they appear in a brighter light. A moment and this moment is gone again... The jungle comes back, slowly but surely the eye no longer sees the truth, all the black letters lined up, but words... sentences... paragraphs... and automatically it glides up to the top of the page... and it begins to read, to interpret... A whiff of reality and a life according to conventions and rules. Our eyes know so well what we SHOULD do with the book, how we know what place we have in this society, and what is expected of us.
A light wind blew the long, white curtains, which appeared almost yellow in the late afternoon light. The room breathed a sigh of relief for a moment, as shadows and light awakened... Julia moaned briefly and turned over next to me. On afternoons like this, our bodies never touched. It never made sense. And she never did what didn't make sense. And neither did I. I watched her long brown hair, her figure under the thin velvet... She was beautiful. And she was my everything.
“Kevin! How many times do I have to tell you not to drive so fast? And turn down the ventilation, will you? It's messing up my hair! My hair, yeah? This thing that I have to work on forever, and you'll never be able to appreciate!”
“Come on, honey! I told you...“ I wanted to praise her again from the bottom of my heart.
”That I'm beautiful? That I'm pretty? That I'm sexy? When? An hour ago? Kevin, this is not a permanent condition! If you don't like me, then you should tell me right away!“
”But I did say you were beautiful!”
“Yes, well, I can't do much with empty words!“ she hissed back.
”But they're not empty words! And you know it!“ I almost burst into tears.
”Oh yeah? When was the last time you invited me to a restaurant? Or when did we go to the opera?” she shouted at me.
“But we're doing it now! And besides, I'm not even...“
”Out with your buddies? That's outrageous! Tell me, am I asking too much when I say you should stay home on Friday nights?“
”But that's the only night of the week I get to...” I tried desperately to reason.
“Great! So I'm not even worth enough for you to stay with me on Friday night? Not even that much?” she screamed as I parked. Silently, I got out of the car.
“Think about it! You have a choice: me or your buddies! After the screening, you will tell me your decision! Do you hear me?” Julia screamed in my face as I opened the door for her.
“And another thing... This is a special screening! That means we'll meet the artists afterwards! So please... if you have to chase after me anyway, do me a favor and don't open your mouth!?!”, she added.
I was the culprit, and I already regretted all the hours when I wasn't at home but playing pool with my childhood buddies. Okay, it was only an hour, but at least I left my Julia alone. I felt sad and guilty. Silently, I pressed the red button, sighed and took a deep breath. The orange fire of the indicator glowed in two eyes that watched me intently. My heartbeat quickened, the fire in those eyes broke down in a split second all the slowly and hard-built walls with which I wanted to protect my feelings. I felt naked and exposed. Exposed and naked in front of a man I had never seen before. A man who, biting his lower lip, raised his left eyebrow and lazily blinked. With a similarly lazy look, he looked at me very closely, from head to toe. I felt the fire of his eyes, his gaze, on my skin.
“Tell me, are you frozen? What's the matter with you? How can you just leave me standing here?” A familiar voice interrupted the most intense moment I've ever experienced with a person, in the most blatant way.
Was it pity or just sadness? I couldn't really decide, and I didn't want to. I thought it was much more important to look after this divine figure, as he slowly walked away from Julia, evasively, in his long white blazer.
Julia angrily rejected my arm when I offered it to her. I felt sick. How can I be like this? She is my everything! Since I no longer have family, I have learned that I only have her. And that I can only trust her. She only wants what's best for us. For me...
The lights went out and everyone looked at the stage... Everyone except me. Of course, where else should you look at a ballet performance? I slowly observed the audience and realized that Julia and I fit perfectly into the picture: dressed accordingly, a beautiful couple with noble, cultural aspirations... At least that was fine. Very carefully, I looked at Julia, who sat quite contentedly next to me. She felt good.
I tried to concentrate on the plot. In this scene, the boy and his friends appear... Then the first great love... Very nobly designed. What should the boy choose now? You can only have one of them... What will the boy choose? Love is selfish... And it is so seductive... The boyfriend and girlfriend appear on stage. A duel between two important personalities in his life, and he stands there, powerless and at a loss. She is seductively beautiful, he is childishly honest. She is his future, he his past. He associates him with childhood, but how does he want to live now? Still as a little boy or rather as a man?
With graceful movements, the friend tries to be convincing, but he loses. Love conquers, the boy becomes a man and childhood is now a closed chapter. The friend lies destroyed at the edge of the stage and looks at the audience. And then at... at... me? Or am I just imagining it? No, those are the eyes of the boy from the parking garage... The searching glances, which in their endless sadness, can once again reach the depths of my soul. “And what do you choose?” he asks me.
I can no longer withstand his gaze. Why do I have to answer that now? Why do I have to choose? Hundreds of hands give my despair a voice. My heart would like to scream as loudly as those clapping hands. But Julia is right. At some point, you have to let go of the past and turn to the future. And who my future is is more than clear.
“So?“ Julia looks at me cheerfully.
”Do you already have the answer?” she adds with a somewhat exaggerated grin for my current state of mind. If only she knew how difficult this decision is for me.
“Yes. I have,“ I squeeze the words out barely audibly.
”Of course I choose you,“ my mind says, but my heart screams. For the first time in a long time, however, my mind loses...
”...but...“
”Excuse me?” Julia's barely audible word tears her out of her happy and contented state.
“But what? No buts! The task was clear, wasn't it? Unbelievable!” she turns her back on me and mingles with the crowd.
I feel dizzy, the world is spinning much too fast. I can't stay in this chaos of tails, evening dresses and ties, in this jungle of perfume and in this exhibition of artificial smiles painted on faces any longer. I need to gather my strength and restore my old, good and meaningful balance. Like the fox from the hounds, I desperately try to find a hiding place. Exhausted, with the last strength of my soul, I force a smile on myself and walk towards the patio door. It is cool in the garden, the night is clear and kind to me. Shadows move on a semi-light background. I flee to the farthest corner of the terrace and lean against the stone railing. The singing of the crickets and the flames of the garden torches enliven the night. It is quiet here. In the shelter of the night, secrets and feelings can be guarded. The fire of knowledge is a guide. In contrast to the brightness of the hall, where you are at the mercy of the many people, you can be alone here. The night is simply...
“Dark and sheltered, safe and personal, fascinating and enticing...” a voice startles me.
“That's what the night is for me...” he finishes his train of thought and leans against the railing next to me.
“I love the night. The night is always yours. Whether alone or with your lover, the night remains loyal to you. It embraces you when you lie alone in your bed, or scatters sleep over your lover's eyes so that you can analyze your feelings and make your decisions in peace. The night is your eternal best friend.”
I look at the stranger in wonder. His medium-length blond curls move slightly in the evening breeze. His profile is like that of a Greek statue. His forehead and nose are simply perfect. He looks at me with interest.
“Or don't you agree with that?” he adds playfully. A perfect smile.
“If I have to give up this friend too, then I don't want him as a friend!“ I say quite bitterly and am amazed at my honesty.
”The world is not black and white. Life is colorful, Kevin. Avoid extremes!” And again that searching look, but this time so warm and caressing.
“When the world has lost all color and is only black, you are glad when you discover a bit of white. And then you hold on to it accordingly,” I answer him from the depths of my soul.
“White is much more than what it seems. Don't be afraid to put the white through a glass prism. You may be very surprised.” He sits down and leans his back against the marble railing.
“The colors remind me of my childhood. These colors formed a happy white at some point, but that was a long time ago. It was followed by the hopeless black. And then everything was gone. Then everything seemed to have lost its color. And I never want to experience that again. I could never bear it again,” I reply and sit down next to him.
He looks at me a little puzzled, plays with his glass a little sheepishly, and slowly shakes the champagne.
It was a sultry Sunday afternoon. An especially sultry one... one of those where everything melts... one of those where you don't leave the house... one of those where you curse yourself and the world because the apartment is not equipped with air conditioning.
I stared at the curtain and could have sworn I saw movements. The white fabric did move... But only in my imagination... It was one of those fascinating moments when my subconscious came to the surface. Everyone has these moments... If you think of something specific and open a book, the eye can glide through the jungle of letters and find these and only these words for a moment. It seems as if they appear in a brighter light. A moment and this moment is gone again... The jungle comes back, slowly but surely the eye no longer sees the truth, all the black letters lined up, but words... sentences... paragraphs... and automatically it glides up to the top of the page... and it begins to read, to interpret... A whiff of reality and a life according to conventions and rules. Our eyes know so well what we SHOULD do with the book, how we know what place we have in this society, and what is expected of us.
A light wind blew the long, white curtains, which appeared almost yellow in the late afternoon light. The room breathed a sigh of relief for a moment, as shadows and light awakened... Julia moaned briefly and turned over next to me. On afternoons like this, our bodies never touched. It never made sense. And she never did what didn't make sense. And neither did I. I watched her long brown hair, her figure under the thin velvet... She was beautiful. And she was my everything.
“Kevin! How many times do I have to tell you not to drive so fast? And turn down the ventilation, will you? It's messing up my hair! My hair, yeah? This thing that I have to work on forever, and you'll never be able to appreciate!”
“Come on, honey! I told you...“ I wanted to praise her again from the bottom of my heart.
”That I'm beautiful? That I'm pretty? That I'm sexy? When? An hour ago? Kevin, this is not a permanent condition! If you don't like me, then you should tell me right away!“
”But I did say you were beautiful!”
“Yes, well, I can't do much with empty words!“ she hissed back.
”But they're not empty words! And you know it!“ I almost burst into tears.
”Oh yeah? When was the last time you invited me to a restaurant? Or when did we go to the opera?” she shouted at me.
“But we're doing it now! And besides, I'm not even...“
”Out with your buddies? That's outrageous! Tell me, am I asking too much when I say you should stay home on Friday nights?“
”But that's the only night of the week I get to...” I tried desperately to reason.
“Great! So I'm not even worth enough for you to stay with me on Friday night? Not even that much?” she screamed as I parked. Silently, I got out of the car.
“Think about it! You have a choice: me or your buddies! After the screening, you will tell me your decision! Do you hear me?” Julia screamed in my face as I opened the door for her.
“And another thing... This is a special screening! That means we'll meet the artists afterwards! So please... if you have to chase after me anyway, do me a favor and don't open your mouth!?!”, she added.
I was the culprit, and I already regretted all the hours when I wasn't at home but playing pool with my childhood buddies. Okay, it was only an hour, but at least I left my Julia alone. I felt sad and guilty. Silently, I pressed the red button, sighed and took a deep breath. The orange fire of the indicator glowed in two eyes that watched me intently. My heartbeat quickened, the fire in those eyes broke down in a split second all the slowly and hard-built walls with which I wanted to protect my feelings. I felt naked and exposed. Exposed and naked in front of a man I had never seen before. A man who, biting his lower lip, raised his left eyebrow and lazily blinked. With a similarly lazy look, he looked at me very closely, from head to toe. I felt the fire of his eyes, his gaze, on my skin.
“Tell me, are you frozen? What's the matter with you? How can you just leave me standing here?” A familiar voice interrupted the most intense moment I've ever experienced with a person, in the most blatant way.
Was it pity or just sadness? I couldn't really decide, and I didn't want to. I thought it was much more important to look after this divine figure, as he slowly walked away from Julia, evasively, in his long white blazer.
Julia angrily rejected my arm when I offered it to her. I felt sick. How can I be like this? She is my everything! Since I no longer have family, I have learned that I only have her. And that I can only trust her. She only wants what's best for us. For me...
The lights went out and everyone looked at the stage... Everyone except me. Of course, where else should you look at a ballet performance? I slowly observed the audience and realized that Julia and I fit perfectly into the picture: dressed accordingly, a beautiful couple with noble, cultural aspirations... At least that was fine. Very carefully, I looked at Julia, who sat quite contentedly next to me. She felt good.
I tried to concentrate on the plot. In this scene, the boy and his friends appear... Then the first great love... Very nobly designed. What should the boy choose now? You can only have one of them... What will the boy choose? Love is selfish... And it is so seductive... The boyfriend and girlfriend appear on stage. A duel between two important personalities in his life, and he stands there, powerless and at a loss. She is seductively beautiful, he is childishly honest. She is his future, he his past. He associates him with childhood, but how does he want to live now? Still as a little boy or rather as a man?
With graceful movements, the friend tries to be convincing, but he loses. Love conquers, the boy becomes a man and childhood is now a closed chapter. The friend lies destroyed at the edge of the stage and looks at the audience. And then at... at... me? Or am I just imagining it? No, those are the eyes of the boy from the parking garage... The searching glances, which in their endless sadness, can once again reach the depths of my soul. “And what do you choose?” he asks me.
I can no longer withstand his gaze. Why do I have to answer that now? Why do I have to choose? Hundreds of hands give my despair a voice. My heart would like to scream as loudly as those clapping hands. But Julia is right. At some point, you have to let go of the past and turn to the future. And who my future is is more than clear.
“So?“ Julia looks at me cheerfully.
”Do you already have the answer?” she adds with a somewhat exaggerated grin for my current state of mind. If only she knew how difficult this decision is for me.
“Yes. I have,“ I squeeze the words out barely audibly.
”Of course I choose you,“ my mind says, but my heart screams. For the first time in a long time, however, my mind loses...
”...but...“
”Excuse me?” Julia's barely audible word tears her out of her happy and contented state.
“But what? No buts! The task was clear, wasn't it? Unbelievable!” she turns her back on me and mingles with the crowd.
I feel dizzy, the world is spinning much too fast. I can't stay in this chaos of tails, evening dresses and ties, in this jungle of perfume and in this exhibition of artificial smiles painted on faces any longer. I need to gather my strength and restore my old, good and meaningful balance. Like the fox from the hounds, I desperately try to find a hiding place. Exhausted, with the last strength of my soul, I force a smile on myself and walk towards the patio door. It is cool in the garden, the night is clear and kind to me. Shadows move on a semi-light background. I flee to the farthest corner of the terrace and lean against the stone railing. The singing of the crickets and the flames of the garden torches enliven the night. It is quiet here. In the shelter of the night, secrets and feelings can be guarded. The fire of knowledge is a guide. In contrast to the brightness of the hall, where you are at the mercy of the many people, you can be alone here. The night is simply...
“Dark and sheltered, safe and personal, fascinating and enticing...” a voice startles me.
“That's what the night is for me...” he finishes his train of thought and leans against the railing next to me.
“I love the night. The night is always yours. Whether alone or with your lover, the night remains loyal to you. It embraces you when you lie alone in your bed, or scatters sleep over your lover's eyes so that you can analyze your feelings and make your decisions in peace. The night is your eternal best friend.”
I look at the stranger in wonder. His medium-length blond curls move slightly in the evening breeze. His profile is like that of a Greek statue. His forehead and nose are simply perfect. He looks at me with interest.
“Or don't you agree with that?” he adds playfully. A perfect smile.
“If I have to give up this friend too, then I don't want him as a friend!“ I say quite bitterly and am amazed at my honesty.
”The world is not black and white. Life is colorful, Kevin. Avoid extremes!” And again that searching look, but this time so warm and caressing.
“When the world has lost all color and is only black, you are glad when you discover a bit of white. And then you hold on to it accordingly,” I answer him from the depths of my soul.
“White is much more than what it seems. Don't be afraid to put the white through a glass prism. You may be very surprised.” He sits down and leans his back against the marble railing.
“The colors remind me of my childhood. These colors formed a happy white at some point, but that was a long time ago. It was followed by the hopeless black. And then everything was gone. Then everything seemed to have lost its color. And I never want to experience that again. I could never bear it again,” I reply and sit down next to him.
He looks at me a little puzzled, plays with his glass a little sheepishly, and slowly shakes the champagne.