07-10-2025, 01:05 PM
On the right bank
It was a sultry Sunday afternoon. An especially sultry one... one of those where everything melts... one of those where you don't leave the house... one of those where you curse yourself and the world because the apartment is not equipped with air conditioning.
I stared at the curtain and could have sworn I saw movements. The white fabric did move... But only in my imagination... It was one of those fascinating moments when my subconscious came to the surface. Everyone has these moments... If you think of something specific and open a book, the eye can glide through the jungle of letters and find these and only these words for a moment. It seems as if they appear in a brighter light. A moment and this moment is gone again... The jungle comes back, slowly but surely the eye no longer sees the truth, all the black letters lined up, but words... sentences... paragraphs... and automatically it glides up to the top of the page... and it begins to read, to interpret... A whiff of reality and a life according to conventions and rules. Our eyes know so well what we SHOULD do with the book, how we know what place we have in this society, and what is expected of us.
A light wind blew the long, white curtains, which appeared almost yellow in the late afternoon light. The room breathed a sigh of relief for a moment, as shadows and light awakened... Julia moaned briefly and turned over next to me. On afternoons like this, our bodies never touched. It never made sense. And she never did what didn't make sense. And neither did I. I watched her long brown hair, her figure under the thin velvet... She was beautiful. And she was my everything.
“Kevin! How many times do I have to tell you not to drive so fast? And turn down the ventilation, will you? It's messing up my hair! My hair, yeah? This thing that I have to work on forever, and you'll never be able to appreciate!”
“Come on, honey! I told you...“ I wanted to praise her again from the bottom of my heart.
”That I'm beautiful? That I'm pretty? That I'm sexy? When? An hour ago? Kevin, this is not a permanent condition! If you don't like me, then you should tell me right away!“
”But I did say you were beautiful!”
“Yes, well, I can't do much with empty words!“ she hissed back.
”But they're not empty words! And you know it!“ I almost burst into tears.
”Oh yeah? When was the last time you invited me to a restaurant? Or when did we go to the opera?” she shouted at me.
“But we're doing it now! And besides, I'm not even...“
”Out with your buddies? That's outrageous! Tell me, am I asking too much when I say you should stay home on Friday nights?“
”But that's the only night of the week I get to...” I tried desperately to reason.
“Great! So I'm not even worth enough for you to stay with me on Friday night? Not even that much?” she screamed as I parked. Silently, I got out of the car.
“Think about it! You have a choice: me or your buddies! After the screening, you will tell me your decision! Do you hear me?” Julia screamed in my face as I opened the door for her.
“And another thing... This is a special screening! That means we'll meet the artists afterwards! So please... if you have to chase after me anyway, do me a favor and don't open your mouth!?!”, she added.
I was the culprit, and I already regretted all the hours when I wasn't at home but playing pool with my childhood buddies. Okay, it was only an hour, but at least I left my Julia alone. I felt sad and guilty. Silently, I pressed the red button, sighed and took a deep breath. The orange fire of the indicator glowed in two eyes that watched me intently. My heartbeat quickened, the fire in those eyes broke down in a split second all the slowly and hard-built walls with which I wanted to protect my feelings. I felt naked and exposed. Exposed and naked in front of a man I had never seen before. A man who, biting his lower lip, raised his left eyebrow and lazily blinked. With a similarly lazy look, he looked at me very closely, from head to toe. I felt the fire of his eyes, his gaze, on my skin.
“Tell me, are you frozen? What's the matter with you? How can you just leave me standing here?” A familiar voice interrupted the most intense moment I've ever experienced with a person, in the most blatant way.
Was it pity or just sadness? I couldn't really decide, and I didn't want to. I thought it was much more important to look after this divine figure, as he slowly walked away from Julia, evasively, in his long white blazer.
Julia angrily rejected my arm when I offered it to her. I felt sick. How can I be like this? She is my everything! Since I no longer have family, I have learned that I only have her. And that I can only trust her. She only wants what's best for us. For me...
The lights went out and everyone looked at the stage... Everyone except me. Of course, where else should you look at a ballet performance? I slowly observed the audience and realized that Julia and I fit perfectly into the picture: dressed accordingly, a beautiful couple with noble, cultural aspirations... At least that was fine. Very carefully, I looked at Julia, who sat quite contentedly next to me. She felt good.
I tried to concentrate on the plot. In this scene, the boy and his friends appear... Then the first great love... Very nobly designed. What should the boy choose now? You can only have one of them... What will the boy choose? Love is selfish... And it is so seductive... The boyfriend and girlfriend appear on stage. A duel between two important personalities in his life, and he stands there, powerless and at a loss. She is seductively beautiful, he is childishly honest. She is his future, he his past. He associates him with childhood, but how does he want to live now? Still as a little boy or rather as a man?
With graceful movements, the friend tries to be convincing, but he loses. Love conquers, the boy becomes a man and childhood is now a closed chapter. The friend lies destroyed at the edge of the stage and looks at the audience. And then at... at... me? Or am I just imagining it? No, those are the eyes of the boy from the parking garage... The searching glances, which in their endless sadness, can once again reach the depths of my soul. “And what do you choose?” he asks me.
I can no longer withstand his gaze. Why do I have to answer that now? Why do I have to choose? Hundreds of hands give my despair a voice. My heart would like to scream as loudly as those clapping hands. But Julia is right. At some point, you have to let go of the past and turn to the future. And who my future is is more than clear.
“So?“ Julia looks at me cheerfully.
”Do you already have the answer?” she adds with a somewhat exaggerated grin for my current state of mind. If only she knew how difficult this decision is for me.
“Yes. I have,“ I squeeze the words out barely audibly.
”Of course I choose you,“ my mind says, but my heart screams. For the first time in a long time, however, my mind loses...
”...but...“
”Excuse me?” Julia's barely audible word tears her out of her happy and contented state.
“But what? No buts! The task was clear, wasn't it? Unbelievable!” she turns her back on me and mingles with the crowd.
I feel dizzy, the world is spinning much too fast. I can't stay in this chaos of tails, evening dresses and ties, in this jungle of perfume and in this exhibition of artificial smiles painted on faces any longer. I need to gather my strength and restore my old, good and meaningful balance. Like the fox from the hounds, I desperately try to find a hiding place. Exhausted, with the last strength of my soul, I force a smile on myself and walk towards the patio door. It is cool in the garden, the night is clear and kind to me. Shadows move on a semi-light background. I flee to the farthest corner of the terrace and lean against the stone railing. The singing of the crickets and the flames of the garden torches enliven the night. It is quiet here. In the shelter of the night, secrets and feelings can be guarded. The fire of knowledge is a guide. In contrast to the brightness of the hall, where you are at the mercy of the many people, you can be alone here. The night is simply...
“Dark and sheltered, safe and personal, fascinating and enticing...” a voice startles me.
“That's what the night is for me...” he finishes his train of thought and leans against the railing next to me.
“I love the night. The night is always yours. Whether alone or with your lover, the night remains loyal to you. It embraces you when you lie alone in your bed, or scatters sleep over your lover's eyes so that you can analyze your feelings and make your decisions in peace. The night is your eternal best friend.”
I look at the stranger in wonder. His medium-length blond curls move slightly in the evening breeze. His profile is like that of a Greek statue. His forehead and nose are simply perfect. He looks at me with interest.
“Or don't you agree with that?” he adds playfully. A perfect smile.
“If I have to give up this friend too, then I don't want him as a friend!“ I say quite bitterly and am amazed at my honesty.
”The world is not black and white. Life is colorful, Kevin. Avoid extremes!” And again that searching look, but this time so warm and caressing.
“When the world has lost all color and is only black, you are glad when you discover a bit of white. And then you hold on to it accordingly,” I answer him from the depths of my soul.
“White is much more than what it seems. Don't be afraid to put the white through a glass prism. You may be very surprised.” He sits down and leans his back against the marble railing.
“The colors remind me of my childhood. These colors formed a happy white at some point, but that was a long time ago. It was followed by the hopeless black. And then everything was gone. Then everything seemed to have lost its color. And I never want to experience that again. I could never bear it again,” I reply and sit down next to him.
He looks at me a little puzzled, plays with his glass a little sheepishly, and slowly shakes the champagne.
“Do you see the bubbles, Kevin? Do you see how the air is released from the liquid? It is much too light for the liquid. It is suppressed and wants to get out. Your feelings are the same. They want to be released. Let them out! Don't weigh your soul down! Let go of everything that wants out!”
“I did that. I made up my mind! You were right! Always focused on the future, it's time to look back at the past,” I say with a trembling voice. My entire body is shaking. Embarrassed, I look at him briefly.
“No! You're not that far yet. You just don't want to admit it to yourself because you're afraid. You're afraid of yourself because you don't know yourself yet.“
”How can you judge that? You don't know me, you don't know anything about my life!“
”Just a few fragments... A few ideas from your “girlfriend” and a lot of feelings...”
I look at him in astonishment.
"Your eyes reflect more feelings than a thousand words. I don't know why you're unhappy, I can't even guess why you put up with your girlfriend, but I do know one thing: you have to stop living in loneliness, for your own sake! Kevin, I believe that you are the architect of your own destiny and happiness. Live your life, discover your inner freedom through your feelings! Don't be afraid to stop thinking for a moment! Don't be afraid to open your heart and receive love. Learn to receive love and learn to give love. Therein lies the true power of your happiness.”
I melt in his deep blue eyes. His words warm my soul and I feel particularly happy. For the first time in my life, I feel understood. We speak the same language.
"There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere! Have you made your decision? I want to go home!”
I look at Julia desperately. The boy next to me remains seated. Seconds, little eternities pass and I am speechless. My heart is full and my thoughts can no longer hold my freed feelings. Like a child begging his mother, I look in his direction. He is calm. In his eyes I find peace and security. I would love to flee into his protective arms.
“Don't be afraid to think! Let your feelings free! Receive love, if it exists at all, and give love! That is the key to your happiness!” he repeats very slowly.
Julia looks at the boy with contempt and boredom and glances in my direction. How can she be so heartless? How can she talk about him like that?
“I... I haven't decided yet,“ I say defiantly, but I regret it immediately.
”Fine! I don't know what you've been up to here with this weird, not even talented man, but I'm leaving now. Oh, by the way, I'm staying at Frank's, so you can recover from the temporary brainwashing until tomorrow.” And she was gone.
A few clouds cover the morning sky. The blackbirds are singing, it is still very early. I sit on my terrace, hug my knees and think about Julia. I feel guilty, I would never have let her go. She is my everything, my life. She must be! I can't accept it any other way!
“Cool morning,“ he says with a rough morning voice behind me.
Silence...
”Kevin?“ He kneels next to me.
He takes a deep breath, almost sighs, and asks with the deepest resignation in his voice:
”So, was that now... everything?“
”Alex, you know...” I wanted to argue.
But all arguments seemed childish and rash to me compared to the feelings reflected in those two beautiful eyes. Feigned boredom, a little theatrical flair, but then a soul-searching, deep look... a few quick lashes of the eyelashes... fear and despair... endless insecurity... and sadness. My lips parted, but my throat froze. I stared into the endless blue of his eyes and fought with my feelings. His insecurity grew... and I drowned in tears. He closed his eyes, and my heart broke...
“I...” I whispered. Slowly he opened his eyes and looked at me with endless sadness.
“...you're not ready yet. I should have realized that earlier. And you probably never will be! But it's better that way... Your answer is clear and... makes sense...,“ he whispered and wanted to leave.
”Alex! I'm... I'm so sorry!” I say, almost crying. Still with his back to me, he says:
“Why Kevin? Receive love and give love! That's what you did. However, there is still something. And that hurts a little more... If you give a lot of love and don't receive as much as you would like to, or as you would like to, don't be selfish and don't demand! Don't try to set standards and pin the other down. Don't hold on to love, don't force the other person to do anything. Let him have his wings and look forward to what he has given you. How much and for how long... Leave that to him. And when the time comes, release him. His heart doesn't belong to you, only his love. If his love seeks new paths, he will discover them, and if your love is no longer big enough to receive them, then set him free. Thank you Kevin...” He quickly wipes his face and disappears behind the white curtains.
Suddenly it became very quiet, and very, very cold. I felt the cold wind on my back. The city floated in the morning light... Was it the light or the wind? Or both? His loving and sad voice? Or was it the sparkle in his eyes that will remain forever etched in my memory? The sun rose over the skyscrapers, the city awoke, my heart broke. I had made the right and sensible decision.
I slowly entered the apartment, closed the patio door behind me and automatically took off the bed sheets. The velvet caressed my arm and I got goosebumps. I closed my eyes and smelled the blanket... scenes from last night came to life.
I feel his skin, its warmth and closeness...
The hot water massaged my back, the fresh scent of my shower gel gave me the feeling of an unwanted habit. I rubbed my body with the foaming lotion...
His fingers conquer my neck and then my face. His thin, long fingers... I breathe in his scent as I feel his body over mine...
The apartment was now clean, the lights all off. I stared at the red eyes of the stove...
The candlelight plays in his eyes. It is pure fire. His charisma and erotic energy captivate me and fascinate me. I am powerless...
I sat at my desk and tried to work, but I couldn't. I slowly leaned against the window and watched the street. All the people with their lives, running after all their obligations, all more or less balanced and happy... But at least they are clear about what they want to do with their lives. Why do I always have to make these decisions alone? Why do you always have to make all the important decisions alone? Why do you always have to be torn out of the ordinary rhythm? Why does life always have to be so complicated? Even the sky is sad... The sun desperately tries to break through the cloud layer, it succeeds for a brief moment and caresses my face.
His face comes closer and closer. I feel his breath and cold shivers run down my spine. My body cries out for him... My existence becomes fluid and my mind ceases to exist. His lips touch mine, I moan softly and feel a man's shaved face on mine for the first time.
Dizzy, I wander through the apartment. At some point, I find myself in Julia's study, in front of the cupboard with our travel souvenirs. A five-year relationship with memories from half the world... Julia is a good person... Not too fiery, not much too imaginative, but accidental. Exactly! And that's why I love her!
Shy at first, but then all the more decisive, he kisses me and my soul is set free. For the first time in my life, the kiss is something more than just an exchange of bodily fluids... It's a dream.
It's very cloudy and I can't work. I lie on the couch in the living room and watch through the glass ceiling as the clouds slowly conquer the sky. Who thinks gray is ugly? These clouds have at least ten shades of gray... It smells like rain... I close my eyes and hug myself. I'm cold.
His fingers wander between mine, and we connect when our bodies touch. His body on mine... His heartbeat on mine. The fire in his eyes and his open mouth... His hand exploring my body... His inner warmth... The inner warmth of his body... His body and mine as one... His soul and mine as one... His desire and mine, his ecstasy and mine... Minutes... unmissed eternities of life... Rebirth of body and soul... Metamorphosis of my entire being...
Tired, I turn on my side and embrace my knees. I feel so small and insignificant. I am so pure, but still so dirty... I am nothing more than an ordinary person. I have cheated on my girlfriend... I feel powerless and exhausted...
His exhausted body on mine... the contours of his face in the shadows and light of the sea of candles... the calm and rhythmic movement of his chest as he sleeps... the scent of his skin... his long eyelashes and a few blonde curls that have strayed onto his forehead... the insecurity of the night and the security of his presence... the first rays of sunlight in the room... his lightly tanned skin in the sunlight... his first glance, searching the bed for me...
Big raindrops fall on the windowpane. After a short fight they submit to their fate and follow the force of gravity. They run faster and faster, leave behind irregular rivers and join other drops, the rivers become a stream... Or do they run defiantly and alone, approaching their end quickly and crashing defiantly on the edge...
the desperation in his eyes... his tears, the endless sad blue of his eyes... his quiet voice......
the loud shouting of Julia, the burning sensation of a slap in my face...
The rain is falling and I'm driving. The windshield wipers give me a periodic glimpse of reality. Different refracted rays of light illuminate my face as I drive through the streets.
I stop a little uncertainly in front of the door. I ring the bell with a smile. The door opens and a broken Alex unlocks it. He has been crying, I can see that. Nevertheless, he tries to pull himself together. This boy is fantastic.
“When you find someone who can understand all your feelings without having heard a single story of your life, who is not selfish enough to give you a night of love and closeness even if it hurts himself just to help you, who brings sunshine into your life and stimulates your mind and soul, you should hold on to them and never let go. You should hold him tight in your arms, kiss his forehead and whisper in his ears how much you love him. You should never let go of him again... but ask him to spend his life with you and to unite his destiny with yours...”
Alex hugged me wildly and tightly. Again I felt his heartbeat and that was perfect. I felt an infinite inner peace and balance. That calmness that you rarely feel in life, in moments when you have no worries. I was happy and finally sure that I was at home... On the right shore...
It was a sultry Sunday afternoon. An especially sultry one... one of those where everything melts... one of those where you don't leave the house... one of those where you curse yourself and the world because the apartment is not equipped with air conditioning.
I stared at the curtain and could have sworn I saw movements. The white fabric did move... But only in my imagination... It was one of those fascinating moments when my subconscious came to the surface. Everyone has these moments... If you think of something specific and open a book, the eye can glide through the jungle of letters and find these and only these words for a moment. It seems as if they appear in a brighter light. A moment and this moment is gone again... The jungle comes back, slowly but surely the eye no longer sees the truth, all the black letters lined up, but words... sentences... paragraphs... and automatically it glides up to the top of the page... and it begins to read, to interpret... A whiff of reality and a life according to conventions and rules. Our eyes know so well what we SHOULD do with the book, how we know what place we have in this society, and what is expected of us.
A light wind blew the long, white curtains, which appeared almost yellow in the late afternoon light. The room breathed a sigh of relief for a moment, as shadows and light awakened... Julia moaned briefly and turned over next to me. On afternoons like this, our bodies never touched. It never made sense. And she never did what didn't make sense. And neither did I. I watched her long brown hair, her figure under the thin velvet... She was beautiful. And she was my everything.
“Kevin! How many times do I have to tell you not to drive so fast? And turn down the ventilation, will you? It's messing up my hair! My hair, yeah? This thing that I have to work on forever, and you'll never be able to appreciate!”
“Come on, honey! I told you...“ I wanted to praise her again from the bottom of my heart.
”That I'm beautiful? That I'm pretty? That I'm sexy? When? An hour ago? Kevin, this is not a permanent condition! If you don't like me, then you should tell me right away!“
”But I did say you were beautiful!”
“Yes, well, I can't do much with empty words!“ she hissed back.
”But they're not empty words! And you know it!“ I almost burst into tears.
”Oh yeah? When was the last time you invited me to a restaurant? Or when did we go to the opera?” she shouted at me.
“But we're doing it now! And besides, I'm not even...“
”Out with your buddies? That's outrageous! Tell me, am I asking too much when I say you should stay home on Friday nights?“
”But that's the only night of the week I get to...” I tried desperately to reason.
“Great! So I'm not even worth enough for you to stay with me on Friday night? Not even that much?” she screamed as I parked. Silently, I got out of the car.
“Think about it! You have a choice: me or your buddies! After the screening, you will tell me your decision! Do you hear me?” Julia screamed in my face as I opened the door for her.
“And another thing... This is a special screening! That means we'll meet the artists afterwards! So please... if you have to chase after me anyway, do me a favor and don't open your mouth!?!”, she added.
I was the culprit, and I already regretted all the hours when I wasn't at home but playing pool with my childhood buddies. Okay, it was only an hour, but at least I left my Julia alone. I felt sad and guilty. Silently, I pressed the red button, sighed and took a deep breath. The orange fire of the indicator glowed in two eyes that watched me intently. My heartbeat quickened, the fire in those eyes broke down in a split second all the slowly and hard-built walls with which I wanted to protect my feelings. I felt naked and exposed. Exposed and naked in front of a man I had never seen before. A man who, biting his lower lip, raised his left eyebrow and lazily blinked. With a similarly lazy look, he looked at me very closely, from head to toe. I felt the fire of his eyes, his gaze, on my skin.
“Tell me, are you frozen? What's the matter with you? How can you just leave me standing here?” A familiar voice interrupted the most intense moment I've ever experienced with a person, in the most blatant way.
Was it pity or just sadness? I couldn't really decide, and I didn't want to. I thought it was much more important to look after this divine figure, as he slowly walked away from Julia, evasively, in his long white blazer.
Julia angrily rejected my arm when I offered it to her. I felt sick. How can I be like this? She is my everything! Since I no longer have family, I have learned that I only have her. And that I can only trust her. She only wants what's best for us. For me...
The lights went out and everyone looked at the stage... Everyone except me. Of course, where else should you look at a ballet performance? I slowly observed the audience and realized that Julia and I fit perfectly into the picture: dressed accordingly, a beautiful couple with noble, cultural aspirations... At least that was fine. Very carefully, I looked at Julia, who sat quite contentedly next to me. She felt good.
I tried to concentrate on the plot. In this scene, the boy and his friends appear... Then the first great love... Very nobly designed. What should the boy choose now? You can only have one of them... What will the boy choose? Love is selfish... And it is so seductive... The boyfriend and girlfriend appear on stage. A duel between two important personalities in his life, and he stands there, powerless and at a loss. She is seductively beautiful, he is childishly honest. She is his future, he his past. He associates him with childhood, but how does he want to live now? Still as a little boy or rather as a man?
With graceful movements, the friend tries to be convincing, but he loses. Love conquers, the boy becomes a man and childhood is now a closed chapter. The friend lies destroyed at the edge of the stage and looks at the audience. And then at... at... me? Or am I just imagining it? No, those are the eyes of the boy from the parking garage... The searching glances, which in their endless sadness, can once again reach the depths of my soul. “And what do you choose?” he asks me.
I can no longer withstand his gaze. Why do I have to answer that now? Why do I have to choose? Hundreds of hands give my despair a voice. My heart would like to scream as loudly as those clapping hands. But Julia is right. At some point, you have to let go of the past and turn to the future. And who my future is is more than clear.
“So?“ Julia looks at me cheerfully.
”Do you already have the answer?” she adds with a somewhat exaggerated grin for my current state of mind. If only she knew how difficult this decision is for me.
“Yes. I have,“ I squeeze the words out barely audibly.
”Of course I choose you,“ my mind says, but my heart screams. For the first time in a long time, however, my mind loses...
”...but...“
”Excuse me?” Julia's barely audible word tears her out of her happy and contented state.
“But what? No buts! The task was clear, wasn't it? Unbelievable!” she turns her back on me and mingles with the crowd.
I feel dizzy, the world is spinning much too fast. I can't stay in this chaos of tails, evening dresses and ties, in this jungle of perfume and in this exhibition of artificial smiles painted on faces any longer. I need to gather my strength and restore my old, good and meaningful balance. Like the fox from the hounds, I desperately try to find a hiding place. Exhausted, with the last strength of my soul, I force a smile on myself and walk towards the patio door. It is cool in the garden, the night is clear and kind to me. Shadows move on a semi-light background. I flee to the farthest corner of the terrace and lean against the stone railing. The singing of the crickets and the flames of the garden torches enliven the night. It is quiet here. In the shelter of the night, secrets and feelings can be guarded. The fire of knowledge is a guide. In contrast to the brightness of the hall, where you are at the mercy of the many people, you can be alone here. The night is simply...
“Dark and sheltered, safe and personal, fascinating and enticing...” a voice startles me.
“That's what the night is for me...” he finishes his train of thought and leans against the railing next to me.
“I love the night. The night is always yours. Whether alone or with your lover, the night remains loyal to you. It embraces you when you lie alone in your bed, or scatters sleep over your lover's eyes so that you can analyze your feelings and make your decisions in peace. The night is your eternal best friend.”
I look at the stranger in wonder. His medium-length blond curls move slightly in the evening breeze. His profile is like that of a Greek statue. His forehead and nose are simply perfect. He looks at me with interest.
“Or don't you agree with that?” he adds playfully. A perfect smile.
“If I have to give up this friend too, then I don't want him as a friend!“ I say quite bitterly and am amazed at my honesty.
”The world is not black and white. Life is colorful, Kevin. Avoid extremes!” And again that searching look, but this time so warm and caressing.
“When the world has lost all color and is only black, you are glad when you discover a bit of white. And then you hold on to it accordingly,” I answer him from the depths of my soul.
“White is much more than what it seems. Don't be afraid to put the white through a glass prism. You may be very surprised.” He sits down and leans his back against the marble railing.
“The colors remind me of my childhood. These colors formed a happy white at some point, but that was a long time ago. It was followed by the hopeless black. And then everything was gone. Then everything seemed to have lost its color. And I never want to experience that again. I could never bear it again,” I reply and sit down next to him.
He looks at me a little puzzled, plays with his glass a little sheepishly, and slowly shakes the champagne.
“Do you see the bubbles, Kevin? Do you see how the air is released from the liquid? It is much too light for the liquid. It is suppressed and wants to get out. Your feelings are the same. They want to be released. Let them out! Don't weigh your soul down! Let go of everything that wants out!”
“I did that. I made up my mind! You were right! Always focused on the future, it's time to look back at the past,” I say with a trembling voice. My entire body is shaking. Embarrassed, I look at him briefly.
“No! You're not that far yet. You just don't want to admit it to yourself because you're afraid. You're afraid of yourself because you don't know yourself yet.“
”How can you judge that? You don't know me, you don't know anything about my life!“
”Just a few fragments... A few ideas from your “girlfriend” and a lot of feelings...”
I look at him in astonishment.
"Your eyes reflect more feelings than a thousand words. I don't know why you're unhappy, I can't even guess why you put up with your girlfriend, but I do know one thing: you have to stop living in loneliness, for your own sake! Kevin, I believe that you are the architect of your own destiny and happiness. Live your life, discover your inner freedom through your feelings! Don't be afraid to stop thinking for a moment! Don't be afraid to open your heart and receive love. Learn to receive love and learn to give love. Therein lies the true power of your happiness.”
I melt in his deep blue eyes. His words warm my soul and I feel particularly happy. For the first time in my life, I feel understood. We speak the same language.
"There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere! Have you made your decision? I want to go home!”
I look at Julia desperately. The boy next to me remains seated. Seconds, little eternities pass and I am speechless. My heart is full and my thoughts can no longer hold my freed feelings. Like a child begging his mother, I look in his direction. He is calm. In his eyes I find peace and security. I would love to flee into his protective arms.
“Don't be afraid to think! Let your feelings free! Receive love, if it exists at all, and give love! That is the key to your happiness!” he repeats very slowly.
Julia looks at the boy with contempt and boredom and glances in my direction. How can she be so heartless? How can she talk about him like that?
“I... I haven't decided yet,“ I say defiantly, but I regret it immediately.
”Fine! I don't know what you've been up to here with this weird, not even talented man, but I'm leaving now. Oh, by the way, I'm staying at Frank's, so you can recover from the temporary brainwashing until tomorrow.” And she was gone.
A few clouds cover the morning sky. The blackbirds are singing, it is still very early. I sit on my terrace, hug my knees and think about Julia. I feel guilty, I would never have let her go. She is my everything, my life. She must be! I can't accept it any other way!
“Cool morning,“ he says with a rough morning voice behind me.
Silence...
”Kevin?“ He kneels next to me.
He takes a deep breath, almost sighs, and asks with the deepest resignation in his voice:
”So, was that now... everything?“
”Alex, you know...” I wanted to argue.
But all arguments seemed childish and rash to me compared to the feelings reflected in those two beautiful eyes. Feigned boredom, a little theatrical flair, but then a soul-searching, deep look... a few quick lashes of the eyelashes... fear and despair... endless insecurity... and sadness. My lips parted, but my throat froze. I stared into the endless blue of his eyes and fought with my feelings. His insecurity grew... and I drowned in tears. He closed his eyes, and my heart broke...
“I...” I whispered. Slowly he opened his eyes and looked at me with endless sadness.
“...you're not ready yet. I should have realized that earlier. And you probably never will be! But it's better that way... Your answer is clear and... makes sense...,“ he whispered and wanted to leave.
”Alex! I'm... I'm so sorry!” I say, almost crying. Still with his back to me, he says:
“Why Kevin? Receive love and give love! That's what you did. However, there is still something. And that hurts a little more... If you give a lot of love and don't receive as much as you would like to, or as you would like to, don't be selfish and don't demand! Don't try to set standards and pin the other down. Don't hold on to love, don't force the other person to do anything. Let him have his wings and look forward to what he has given you. How much and for how long... Leave that to him. And when the time comes, release him. His heart doesn't belong to you, only his love. If his love seeks new paths, he will discover them, and if your love is no longer big enough to receive them, then set him free. Thank you Kevin...” He quickly wipes his face and disappears behind the white curtains.
Suddenly it became very quiet, and very, very cold. I felt the cold wind on my back. The city floated in the morning light... Was it the light or the wind? Or both? His loving and sad voice? Or was it the sparkle in his eyes that will remain forever etched in my memory? The sun rose over the skyscrapers, the city awoke, my heart broke. I had made the right and sensible decision.
I slowly entered the apartment, closed the patio door behind me and automatically took off the bed sheets. The velvet caressed my arm and I got goosebumps. I closed my eyes and smelled the blanket... scenes from last night came to life.
I feel his skin, its warmth and closeness...
The hot water massaged my back, the fresh scent of my shower gel gave me the feeling of an unwanted habit. I rubbed my body with the foaming lotion...
His fingers conquer my neck and then my face. His thin, long fingers... I breathe in his scent as I feel his body over mine...
The apartment was now clean, the lights all off. I stared at the red eyes of the stove...
The candlelight plays in his eyes. It is pure fire. His charisma and erotic energy captivate me and fascinate me. I am powerless...
I sat at my desk and tried to work, but I couldn't. I slowly leaned against the window and watched the street. All the people with their lives, running after all their obligations, all more or less balanced and happy... But at least they are clear about what they want to do with their lives. Why do I always have to make these decisions alone? Why do you always have to make all the important decisions alone? Why do you always have to be torn out of the ordinary rhythm? Why does life always have to be so complicated? Even the sky is sad... The sun desperately tries to break through the cloud layer, it succeeds for a brief moment and caresses my face.
His face comes closer and closer. I feel his breath and cold shivers run down my spine. My body cries out for him... My existence becomes fluid and my mind ceases to exist. His lips touch mine, I moan softly and feel a man's shaved face on mine for the first time.
Dizzy, I wander through the apartment. At some point, I find myself in Julia's study, in front of the cupboard with our travel souvenirs. A five-year relationship with memories from half the world... Julia is a good person... Not too fiery, not much too imaginative, but accidental. Exactly! And that's why I love her!
Shy at first, but then all the more decisive, he kisses me and my soul is set free. For the first time in my life, the kiss is something more than just an exchange of bodily fluids... It's a dream.
It's very cloudy and I can't work. I lie on the couch in the living room and watch through the glass ceiling as the clouds slowly conquer the sky. Who thinks gray is ugly? These clouds have at least ten shades of gray... It smells like rain... I close my eyes and hug myself. I'm cold.
His fingers wander between mine, and we connect when our bodies touch. His body on mine... His heartbeat on mine. The fire in his eyes and his open mouth... His hand exploring my body... His inner warmth... The inner warmth of his body... His body and mine as one... His soul and mine as one... His desire and mine, his ecstasy and mine... Minutes... unmissed eternities of life... Rebirth of body and soul... Metamorphosis of my entire being...
Tired, I turn on my side and embrace my knees. I feel so small and insignificant. I am so pure, but still so dirty... I am nothing more than an ordinary person. I have cheated on my girlfriend... I feel powerless and exhausted...
His exhausted body on mine... the contours of his face in the shadows and light of the sea of candles... the calm and rhythmic movement of his chest as he sleeps... the scent of his skin... his long eyelashes and a few blonde curls that have strayed onto his forehead... the insecurity of the night and the security of his presence... the first rays of sunlight in the room... his lightly tanned skin in the sunlight... his first glance, searching the bed for me...
Big raindrops fall on the windowpane. After a short fight they submit to their fate and follow the force of gravity. They run faster and faster, leave behind irregular rivers and join other drops, the rivers become a stream... Or do they run defiantly and alone, approaching their end quickly and crashing defiantly on the edge...
the desperation in his eyes... his tears, the endless sad blue of his eyes... his quiet voice......
the loud shouting of Julia, the burning sensation of a slap in my face...
The rain is falling and I'm driving. The windshield wipers give me a periodic glimpse of reality. Different refracted rays of light illuminate my face as I drive through the streets.
I stop a little uncertainly in front of the door. I ring the bell with a smile. The door opens and a broken Alex unlocks it. He has been crying, I can see that. Nevertheless, he tries to pull himself together. This boy is fantastic.
“When you find someone who can understand all your feelings without having heard a single story of your life, who is not selfish enough to give you a night of love and closeness even if it hurts himself just to help you, who brings sunshine into your life and stimulates your mind and soul, you should hold on to them and never let go. You should hold him tight in your arms, kiss his forehead and whisper in his ears how much you love him. You should never let go of him again... but ask him to spend his life with you and to unite his destiny with yours...”
Alex hugged me wildly and tightly. Again I felt his heartbeat and that was perfect. I felt an infinite inner peace and balance. That calmness that you rarely feel in life, in moments when you have no worries. I was happy and finally sure that I was at home... On the right shore...