07-10-2025, 01:06 PM
From Bastian's diary
When I think back today on all the events that play a role in this story (and that didn't happen all that long ago), it almost seems as if I'm reading someone else's story. A lot of it seems so foreign to me. Maybe it's because there were just so many moving events in a very short time and I never had a chance to properly process everything that had happened.
I'm Sebastian, 19 years old, 1.82 m tall, black short hair, brown eyes and..., well, that may be enough for the time being for the outside view. I had just started my community service with the German Red Cross and worked in the ambulance service there. It was more or less by chance that I got this job, but I didn't regret it. The work was very varied and interesting. I also met a lot of new people there. One of them was Nils.
Nils was two years older than me and we got along really well from day one. He played table tennis in a sports club and asked me if I would like to come along from time to time. Of course I wanted to. Especially since I knew that there were a lot of guys my age there too, which made the decision pretty easy for me. Less than two weeks later, I was a member of the club. I really enjoyed playing table tennis and I didn't do too badly in my first few competitions. Of course, I still needed a little more training, but I was quite happy with myself.
Mark was also a newcomer to the team. He had only moved to the city six months earlier and, like me, didn't know many of the other guys yet, so we quickly became friends. Mark told me that he had moved to the city with his two-year-younger brother and his mother because his parents had separated.
Mark was a really sweet guy, he was 19 like me, a bit taller, had short blonde hair, blue eyes and a smile that would melt icebergs. After training, we often sat together. I could listen to him for hours when he shyly told me about his past and his troubles with his parents in his soft voice. You could tell how good it made him feel to talk about all these things with someone. He also told me that he had met a girl here at the disco and that he was madly in love with her.
Great, I thought, it would have been too good if this nice guy could feel almost the same for me as I felt for him by now. Yes, I really was a little in love with Mark and still, the way his eyes sparkled when he talked about Julia, I could only be happy for him.
It's always the same, I thought, you dream of someone, you hope and then – »bang« – it's all gone.
Mark soon started seeing Julia more often and came to training less often.
I thought that our friendship wasn't as important to him anymore, but exactly the opposite was the case. He always called me and told me how things were going with Julia and asked me for advice on what I would do in one situation or another. He was really very happy and always said, “You'll experience all of that soon, believe me.”” Oh Mark, if only you knew. I wasn't sure if I would ever experience something like that, and I couldn't tell him that I didn't necessarily want to experience it with a girl, but much rather with a boy. At that point, I still believed that he would never be able to understand that, and I was only close to confessing it to him once.
It was my first visit to Mark's house, and by the time dinner was ready, we had made ourselves comfortable in his room. I was very excited, because he had spent the last night in a tent with Julia and had promised to tell me everything. It was the first night they had been together.
“Well, Mark, how was it?” I asked curiously.
“Oh Bastian, it was pure horror,” he said. ”I was way too nervous and totally messed it up.”
It was strange, anyone else would have bragged about a hot experience, but Mark told me a little sadly that it just wasn't that great. I was about to tell him that it would definitely be better next time when someone opened the door and shouted, “Hey, come and eat, I'm starving.” The boy standing in front of me gave me a quick handshake and said, “Hi, I'm Tobias,” and was gone in the same moment.
“My little brother, always causing trouble,” Mark laughed. I was about to get up when Mark held me back, “Bastian, you promise me something?”
“What?” I asked in surprise.
“Well, that you won't tell anyone about what I just told you. I'm only telling you all this because you're my best friend.” I really wanted to hug him, but I was afraid he might take it the wrong way (or rather the right way). We had only known each other for a short time and he saying, ‘my best friend,’ made me very happy.
“Of course I won't tell anyone, what do you think of me?” He was so open and honest with me, telling me everything, and I almost wanted to confess to him what I had always wanted to tell at least one person: that I was gay. But I was afraid and just said softly, ”Come on, let's go eat.”
How often had I wanted to tell someone, but I was probably the only gay guy in my circle of friends, and who would be able to understand me? How often had I wished I could talk to someone about it, but just when I was about to do so, new doubts would come to mind. It's like opening a door, but instead of getting into the next room, you're standing in front of another door again.
But who would understand that? It often seemed as if I was the only person in the world who had these problems.
I often spent time with Mark. We played together with his brother on the Playstation or had little table tennis tournaments. Tobias wasn't bad at it either. Julia was at boarding school during the week and I left them to their time together at the weekend.
When I visited Mark and Tobias again, I had some news for Mark: “My parents won't be home next weekend and I thought it was time you got to know my other friends. So I'm having a little party at my place.”
“A party, great,” Tobias shouted, “Can I come too? Please!” I was about to agree, but Mark refused.
“It's not a party for babies, you'll stay at home with your mom.” Tobias's expression suddenly darkened. He didn't contradict him and just looked sadly at the floor. I had never seen Tobias contradict his older brother either. He seemed to trust him completely. Mark stood up, ran his hand through Tobias's hair and said, ”Hey kid, of course I'll take you with me. What did you think?” Tobias' face lit up again immediately and Mark left the room with a broad grin, ‘I'll get something to drink, guys.’
Now I was alone in the room with Tobias and I asked him, ”You like your brother very much, don't you?”
“Of course,” he said, ‘he's the best brother you could ever wish for, I love him very much.’ Tobias told me that they hadn't always got along so well, but since they knew that their parents were getting divorced, that had changed and now they stuck together tightly. They didn't want their little family to break up even more.
I had never asked what had happened to their father and why they never visited him, but I don't think they wanted to talk about it either.
The next week, I had to complete an internship on one of our ambulances. It was the end of my training as an ambulance attendant. The work was very interesting and I learned a lot. I had asked to be assigned to Nils, and even when we had an assignment that wasn't so nice, so I was also confronted with death, he always found the right words.
Besides, I was always in a good mood. Four days to go before my party, my parents were out of town and work was fun.
It's nice when you can help people, maybe even save lives. I was “only” the conscientious objector, but I felt important when I got into the ambulance with the others.
It was Tuesday evening. Another half hour and I was off duty. Nils was sitting at his desk doing paperwork when the phone rang. It was the fifth callout today.
“MVA in the south of the city,” said Nils. ‘A teenager on a moped has been hit by a drunk driver and is unresponsive.’ So, quickly into the ambulance, blue lights on and off we go. During the drive, I checked everything that might be needed: infusions, syringes, bandages and I checked the oxygen device. When we arrived at the scene of the accident, there was already quite a lot going on. The emergency doctor was already there and the police had just arrived. There were so many onlookers that I couldn't even see the injured person yet. I took the emergency case out of the holder and was about to get out when I heard Nils: “Leave the case, Sebastian, bring the vacuum mattress.” So I put the case back and fetched what he wanted.
I had to push my way through a few people before I got to the injured man, and when I saw him, I couldn't believe my eyes. My knees went weak and I couldn't move for a moment. “Mark,” I stammered quietly.
“What's the matter with you, Sebastian? Do you know him?” Nils asked. I couldn't answer, because it was really Mark lying on the ground, being examined by the emergency doctor.
“Come on, Sebastian, he has to get to the ambulance quickly,” I heard Nils say. From then on, I can't remember everything. It all happened so fast. I just remember stroking Mark's hair in the ambulance and calling out ‘Mark’ quietly over and over. He didn't hear me. He wasn't conscious.
At the hospital emergency room, I tried to make sure that everything went even faster than usual and that Mark quickly got to the treatment room.
I told Nils that I wanted to stay. It was the end of my shift anyway.
It had been less than three months since I met Mark, and now I was terrified for him. I tried to get my thoughts under control, but I couldn't.
It only now occurred to me whether someone had informed his mother. The nurse told me, however, that she was on her way here.
When she came in the door, she immediately bombarded me with questions. She was shaking with excitement and I was glad that the ward doctor appeared at that moment, because I didn't really know what to say to her.
“Mrs. Müller, I can't tell you much at the moment, we'll take your son to the intensive care unit,” and he had already disappeared into another room. I told Mark's mother what I knew about the accident.
Tobias was visiting his grandmother at the time and had no idea about the accident.
Shortly after midnight, the doctor on duty came to us again and said there was no news. Mark was still in a coma and it would be better if we went home and got some sleep. We couldn't do anything here at the moment anyway. Although neither of us wanted to, we let ourselves be persuaded.
The next morning, I thought I had dreamt the whole thing. Unfortunately not. Since I had to go back to work that afternoon, I went to the hospital right away and was told that the situation had not changed. They reluctantly agreed to my request to see Mark because I was not a family member and Mark already had visitors. I could at least go outside the room and see him through the glass, his mother would also be there.
I walked slowly down the hallway and had the images of the accident in my head again. Mark's mother was standing in front of one of the rooms. We just silently greeted each other and she pointed to his room. I saw Tobias kneeling in front of the bed, holding his brother's hand and crying. Tears welled up in my eyes too.
The next two days passed in slow motion. There was no change with Mark. My party was supposed to take place tomorrow. What should I do? I didn't feel like doing anything other than having a party, but all my friends were looking forward to it. They didn't know Mark.
That evening I spoke with his mother and she said: “Have the party, it will take your mind off things. Especially Tobias. He hasn't said a word since the day before yesterday.”
“Well, I'm here for Tobias too,“ I said. ‘I wanted to see how he's doing.’ I went up the stairs to his room and knocked on the door. No one answered, so I slowly opened the door.
”Can I come in?” Tobias was sitting on his bed with his head in his hands.
“Yes, sure,“ he sighed softly. I sat down on the bed next to him.
”Hey, little warrior, how are you?” I asked.
“And you?“ he replied, looking at me questioningly. Of course we both knew how the other was doing. I said, ‘What do you think, should we throw Mark a party tomorrow? We don't have to party like crazy, but I definitely want to tell my friends about Mark and I think Mark would want that too. Are you coming?’ He hesitated.
”I was really looking forward to it, but now? I would only spoil the mood for you,” he said. ‘I'm also afraid for Mark. Please help me a little tomorrow. We'll probably find it easier together.’ I put my hand on his shoulder as I said this. I could see that he was undecided, but after a while he said, ‘OK, if you think so,’ and he even tried to smile a little.
He got the smile from his brother, I thought.
The next evening, the little party went quite well. I had given Tobias some work to do. He had to get drinks and run this and that, which probably distracted him a bit. After all, they were all new faces for him, so he probably didn't think about his brother the whole time. Sometimes I even heard Tobias laugh. A few people were still missing and now and then the phone rang and someone reported that they would be late. I had also tried to reach Julia, but her parents told me that she had to stay at the boarding school over the weekend.
I didn't know how she had taken the news. We had only met each other twice before and I didn't dare to ask her about it. What should I have said to her?
Maik, a school friend called me: “A Mrs. Müller is on the phone and wants to speak to you.” Mark's mother? Maybe Mark is better and has woken up from the coma, I thought. If I could tell Tobias, that would be great.
“Yes, this is Sebastian.“ She spoke very quietly and in the background I heard my guests talking and of course there was music playing. I couldn't even realize what I had just heard. I put the phone down and went towards the kitchen. I heard Tobias laughing again.
”Come here,“ I said to him.
”Yes, what is it?” We were alone in the kitchen.
“Your mother just called. She was at the hospital. They operated on Mark again this afternoon.” Tobias looked at me, at a loss.
“And, is he better, is he awake?” he asked impatiently. I couldn't say anything more, my throat was like it was tied up. I burst into tears and took Tobias in my arms. It was as if I only now understood the words I had just heard on the phone. It was like a stab in my heart with a glowing needle and the next words were difficult for me to say.
“No, Tobias, Mark died an hour ago.” I felt Tobias start to tremble. He was struggling with himself. I held him close and we just cried. I wanted to comfort him so badly, but no matter how I searched for words, I couldn't find any.
A little later, I took Tobias to my room. It was agreed anyway that he should stay with me and I wanted to sleep on the sofa in the living room. I tried to explain the situation to everyone else and said that I would rather be alone now. My friends were really very worried and understood me.
I went back to my room. Tobias was lying in my bed and crying.
“Hey Tobi, are you okay?“ I asked and sat down carefully on the bed.
”I need him so much, what should I do?“ he cried. I stroked his hair and he said a little more quietly, ‘Please, Sebastian, don't leave me alone here tonight. Stay with me. Please.’
”Okay,” I replied.
Ten minutes later we were both lying in my bed, cuddled up close to each other, holding the other tightly in our arms and crying. How often had I wished in my dreams to lie in bed with a boy like this. And now? Now everything is different, I am just deeply saddened and would give a lot for this story to have turned out differently. I would give anything for that.
I couldn't fall asleep for a long time, thinking of Mark, thinking of the hours we had spent together, thinking of his openness towards me and of his smile that I would never see again. I was angry with myself for not being with him today.
Why Mark of all people? Why him?
I felt bad because I had never told him the whole truth about me and I was sure now that he would have understood. Definitely.
During the next few weeks, I spent almost every free minute with Tobias. He often stayed overnight with me and even had his own guest bed in my room. His mother was glad that I had managed to distract Tobias a little from his great loss and even if I couldn't replace Mark, I liked being with Tobias. I liked it very much and I felt guilty about it. I believed that Tobias really sought a kind of brotherly substitute in me. He liked to hold me, sought my company and told me a lot from his innermost thoughts. Why did I have a guilty conscience about it? Well, for me it was now more than just a good friendship, I loved being with him, being close to him. But I was also afraid of abusing his feelings, which were connected to the death of his brother.
I realized that I had fallen in love with him without ever noticing that he actually looked totally cute. What used to be so important to me with other guys, I didn't even notice about him at first. I liked his nature, his character, regardless of his appearance. Nevertheless, he was very “cute” - about 5'9” - short dark blond hair - blue-gray eyes and the same loving smile as his brother.
One evening when he stayed over again, he was very strange. Tobias was supposed to go on a school trip the next morning and I was supposed to drive him to the train station early because his mother had to work. He hardly said anything all evening and I had the feeling that he really wanted to get something off his chest. We had both already gone to bed and wished each other good night when he suddenly came to my bed.
“Can I ask you something, Sebastian?“
”Sure. Go ahead.“ I could tell that it was difficult for him to find the words and that he was very nervous inside.
”I mean... well... um...“
”Come on, tell me what it is,” I encouraged him.
“Well, I mean... do you think it's really bad when a boy loves a boy?” The question took me a bit by surprise, but I didn't have to think about it for long and said, ‘When two people love each other, it's always something very beautiful and wonderful, no matter if they're two boys or two girls or a boy and a girl.’ Now he seemed to be getting a bit more courageous.
“And what if I love a boy?“ He looked at me, totally unsure.
”Then it's about time, my little Tobi, that you introduce me to the lucky guy.“ I sat up and more or less whispered the last words in his ear.
”I don't need to, you know him well. But he doesn't know about it yet,” he said.
“So?“ I asked, puzzled.
”Who is it?” He put on that eerily sweet smile of his again, but there was also a hint of uncertainty in it.
“It's you, Basti. I love you.“ He came closer to me and looked deep into my eyes.
Wow, of course I had hoped that this conversation would turn out that way, but he really kept me in suspense, and I wanted to keep him on tenterhooks a little longer and didn't say anything for now.
”And now?” he asked, almost anxiously.
“Do you still want to be my friend after you know this?” I had to grin a little but said very seriously: ‘Well, Tobi, now that I know this, you will probably never sleep here in my room on the guest bed again.’ He wanted to answer something but I held my finger over his mouth and said, ”If you sleep here with me, then only in my bed.” He wanted to say something to that as well, but he didn't get the chance. I was faster, took him in my arms and gave him a long, tender kiss.
“I love you too, you fool.”
"Basti, I've never felt so comfortable with anyone, I want to feel you close to me.”
“I love you too,” and we lost ourselves again in an endless kiss.
While we kissed, we caressed each other, without leaving out a single part of the other, and slowly undressed each other. Soon we were both lying naked in my bed, very close to each other. His hands conjured up a wonderful feeling on every part of my body that they touched. At first a little uncertain, but soon he lost all inhibitions. The warmth and security that he gave me almost took my breath away. My hands felt every inch of his warm, soft skin, like in a fire in which you don't get burned. I felt his excitement and I enjoyed touching the parts of his body that I had only ever dreamed of touching on another boy. I felt his body and heard his soft groans. We didn't speak anymore, we didn't need to speak anymore, we were one.
All the things I had imagined so often were nothing compared to this feeling, and I wished it would never end.
It was a shame that he had to leave the next morning for two weeks, I thought. I couldn't wait for him to come back.
But that's a completely different story.
When I think back today on all the events that play a role in this story (and that didn't happen all that long ago), it almost seems as if I'm reading someone else's story. A lot of it seems so foreign to me. Maybe it's because there were just so many moving events in a very short time and I never had a chance to properly process everything that had happened.
I'm Sebastian, 19 years old, 1.82 m tall, black short hair, brown eyes and..., well, that may be enough for the time being for the outside view. I had just started my community service with the German Red Cross and worked in the ambulance service there. It was more or less by chance that I got this job, but I didn't regret it. The work was very varied and interesting. I also met a lot of new people there. One of them was Nils.
Nils was two years older than me and we got along really well from day one. He played table tennis in a sports club and asked me if I would like to come along from time to time. Of course I wanted to. Especially since I knew that there were a lot of guys my age there too, which made the decision pretty easy for me. Less than two weeks later, I was a member of the club. I really enjoyed playing table tennis and I didn't do too badly in my first few competitions. Of course, I still needed a little more training, but I was quite happy with myself.
Mark was also a newcomer to the team. He had only moved to the city six months earlier and, like me, didn't know many of the other guys yet, so we quickly became friends. Mark told me that he had moved to the city with his two-year-younger brother and his mother because his parents had separated.
Mark was a really sweet guy, he was 19 like me, a bit taller, had short blonde hair, blue eyes and a smile that would melt icebergs. After training, we often sat together. I could listen to him for hours when he shyly told me about his past and his troubles with his parents in his soft voice. You could tell how good it made him feel to talk about all these things with someone. He also told me that he had met a girl here at the disco and that he was madly in love with her.
Great, I thought, it would have been too good if this nice guy could feel almost the same for me as I felt for him by now. Yes, I really was a little in love with Mark and still, the way his eyes sparkled when he talked about Julia, I could only be happy for him.
It's always the same, I thought, you dream of someone, you hope and then – »bang« – it's all gone.
Mark soon started seeing Julia more often and came to training less often.
I thought that our friendship wasn't as important to him anymore, but exactly the opposite was the case. He always called me and told me how things were going with Julia and asked me for advice on what I would do in one situation or another. He was really very happy and always said, “You'll experience all of that soon, believe me.”” Oh Mark, if only you knew. I wasn't sure if I would ever experience something like that, and I couldn't tell him that I didn't necessarily want to experience it with a girl, but much rather with a boy. At that point, I still believed that he would never be able to understand that, and I was only close to confessing it to him once.
It was my first visit to Mark's house, and by the time dinner was ready, we had made ourselves comfortable in his room. I was very excited, because he had spent the last night in a tent with Julia and had promised to tell me everything. It was the first night they had been together.
“Well, Mark, how was it?” I asked curiously.
“Oh Bastian, it was pure horror,” he said. ”I was way too nervous and totally messed it up.”
It was strange, anyone else would have bragged about a hot experience, but Mark told me a little sadly that it just wasn't that great. I was about to tell him that it would definitely be better next time when someone opened the door and shouted, “Hey, come and eat, I'm starving.” The boy standing in front of me gave me a quick handshake and said, “Hi, I'm Tobias,” and was gone in the same moment.
“My little brother, always causing trouble,” Mark laughed. I was about to get up when Mark held me back, “Bastian, you promise me something?”
“What?” I asked in surprise.
“Well, that you won't tell anyone about what I just told you. I'm only telling you all this because you're my best friend.” I really wanted to hug him, but I was afraid he might take it the wrong way (or rather the right way). We had only known each other for a short time and he saying, ‘my best friend,’ made me very happy.
“Of course I won't tell anyone, what do you think of me?” He was so open and honest with me, telling me everything, and I almost wanted to confess to him what I had always wanted to tell at least one person: that I was gay. But I was afraid and just said softly, ”Come on, let's go eat.”
How often had I wanted to tell someone, but I was probably the only gay guy in my circle of friends, and who would be able to understand me? How often had I wished I could talk to someone about it, but just when I was about to do so, new doubts would come to mind. It's like opening a door, but instead of getting into the next room, you're standing in front of another door again.
But who would understand that? It often seemed as if I was the only person in the world who had these problems.
I often spent time with Mark. We played together with his brother on the Playstation or had little table tennis tournaments. Tobias wasn't bad at it either. Julia was at boarding school during the week and I left them to their time together at the weekend.
When I visited Mark and Tobias again, I had some news for Mark: “My parents won't be home next weekend and I thought it was time you got to know my other friends. So I'm having a little party at my place.”
“A party, great,” Tobias shouted, “Can I come too? Please!” I was about to agree, but Mark refused.
“It's not a party for babies, you'll stay at home with your mom.” Tobias's expression suddenly darkened. He didn't contradict him and just looked sadly at the floor. I had never seen Tobias contradict his older brother either. He seemed to trust him completely. Mark stood up, ran his hand through Tobias's hair and said, ”Hey kid, of course I'll take you with me. What did you think?” Tobias' face lit up again immediately and Mark left the room with a broad grin, ‘I'll get something to drink, guys.’
Now I was alone in the room with Tobias and I asked him, ”You like your brother very much, don't you?”
“Of course,” he said, ‘he's the best brother you could ever wish for, I love him very much.’ Tobias told me that they hadn't always got along so well, but since they knew that their parents were getting divorced, that had changed and now they stuck together tightly. They didn't want their little family to break up even more.
I had never asked what had happened to their father and why they never visited him, but I don't think they wanted to talk about it either.
The next week, I had to complete an internship on one of our ambulances. It was the end of my training as an ambulance attendant. The work was very interesting and I learned a lot. I had asked to be assigned to Nils, and even when we had an assignment that wasn't so nice, so I was also confronted with death, he always found the right words.
Besides, I was always in a good mood. Four days to go before my party, my parents were out of town and work was fun.
It's nice when you can help people, maybe even save lives. I was “only” the conscientious objector, but I felt important when I got into the ambulance with the others.
It was Tuesday evening. Another half hour and I was off duty. Nils was sitting at his desk doing paperwork when the phone rang. It was the fifth callout today.
“MVA in the south of the city,” said Nils. ‘A teenager on a moped has been hit by a drunk driver and is unresponsive.’ So, quickly into the ambulance, blue lights on and off we go. During the drive, I checked everything that might be needed: infusions, syringes, bandages and I checked the oxygen device. When we arrived at the scene of the accident, there was already quite a lot going on. The emergency doctor was already there and the police had just arrived. There were so many onlookers that I couldn't even see the injured person yet. I took the emergency case out of the holder and was about to get out when I heard Nils: “Leave the case, Sebastian, bring the vacuum mattress.” So I put the case back and fetched what he wanted.
I had to push my way through a few people before I got to the injured man, and when I saw him, I couldn't believe my eyes. My knees went weak and I couldn't move for a moment. “Mark,” I stammered quietly.
“What's the matter with you, Sebastian? Do you know him?” Nils asked. I couldn't answer, because it was really Mark lying on the ground, being examined by the emergency doctor.
“Come on, Sebastian, he has to get to the ambulance quickly,” I heard Nils say. From then on, I can't remember everything. It all happened so fast. I just remember stroking Mark's hair in the ambulance and calling out ‘Mark’ quietly over and over. He didn't hear me. He wasn't conscious.
At the hospital emergency room, I tried to make sure that everything went even faster than usual and that Mark quickly got to the treatment room.
I told Nils that I wanted to stay. It was the end of my shift anyway.
It had been less than three months since I met Mark, and now I was terrified for him. I tried to get my thoughts under control, but I couldn't.
It only now occurred to me whether someone had informed his mother. The nurse told me, however, that she was on her way here.
When she came in the door, she immediately bombarded me with questions. She was shaking with excitement and I was glad that the ward doctor appeared at that moment, because I didn't really know what to say to her.
“Mrs. Müller, I can't tell you much at the moment, we'll take your son to the intensive care unit,” and he had already disappeared into another room. I told Mark's mother what I knew about the accident.
Tobias was visiting his grandmother at the time and had no idea about the accident.
Shortly after midnight, the doctor on duty came to us again and said there was no news. Mark was still in a coma and it would be better if we went home and got some sleep. We couldn't do anything here at the moment anyway. Although neither of us wanted to, we let ourselves be persuaded.
The next morning, I thought I had dreamt the whole thing. Unfortunately not. Since I had to go back to work that afternoon, I went to the hospital right away and was told that the situation had not changed. They reluctantly agreed to my request to see Mark because I was not a family member and Mark already had visitors. I could at least go outside the room and see him through the glass, his mother would also be there.
I walked slowly down the hallway and had the images of the accident in my head again. Mark's mother was standing in front of one of the rooms. We just silently greeted each other and she pointed to his room. I saw Tobias kneeling in front of the bed, holding his brother's hand and crying. Tears welled up in my eyes too.
The next two days passed in slow motion. There was no change with Mark. My party was supposed to take place tomorrow. What should I do? I didn't feel like doing anything other than having a party, but all my friends were looking forward to it. They didn't know Mark.
That evening I spoke with his mother and she said: “Have the party, it will take your mind off things. Especially Tobias. He hasn't said a word since the day before yesterday.”
“Well, I'm here for Tobias too,“ I said. ‘I wanted to see how he's doing.’ I went up the stairs to his room and knocked on the door. No one answered, so I slowly opened the door.
”Can I come in?” Tobias was sitting on his bed with his head in his hands.
“Yes, sure,“ he sighed softly. I sat down on the bed next to him.
”Hey, little warrior, how are you?” I asked.
“And you?“ he replied, looking at me questioningly. Of course we both knew how the other was doing. I said, ‘What do you think, should we throw Mark a party tomorrow? We don't have to party like crazy, but I definitely want to tell my friends about Mark and I think Mark would want that too. Are you coming?’ He hesitated.
”I was really looking forward to it, but now? I would only spoil the mood for you,” he said. ‘I'm also afraid for Mark. Please help me a little tomorrow. We'll probably find it easier together.’ I put my hand on his shoulder as I said this. I could see that he was undecided, but after a while he said, ‘OK, if you think so,’ and he even tried to smile a little.
He got the smile from his brother, I thought.
The next evening, the little party went quite well. I had given Tobias some work to do. He had to get drinks and run this and that, which probably distracted him a bit. After all, they were all new faces for him, so he probably didn't think about his brother the whole time. Sometimes I even heard Tobias laugh. A few people were still missing and now and then the phone rang and someone reported that they would be late. I had also tried to reach Julia, but her parents told me that she had to stay at the boarding school over the weekend.
I didn't know how she had taken the news. We had only met each other twice before and I didn't dare to ask her about it. What should I have said to her?
Maik, a school friend called me: “A Mrs. Müller is on the phone and wants to speak to you.” Mark's mother? Maybe Mark is better and has woken up from the coma, I thought. If I could tell Tobias, that would be great.
“Yes, this is Sebastian.“ She spoke very quietly and in the background I heard my guests talking and of course there was music playing. I couldn't even realize what I had just heard. I put the phone down and went towards the kitchen. I heard Tobias laughing again.
”Come here,“ I said to him.
”Yes, what is it?” We were alone in the kitchen.
“Your mother just called. She was at the hospital. They operated on Mark again this afternoon.” Tobias looked at me, at a loss.
“And, is he better, is he awake?” he asked impatiently. I couldn't say anything more, my throat was like it was tied up. I burst into tears and took Tobias in my arms. It was as if I only now understood the words I had just heard on the phone. It was like a stab in my heart with a glowing needle and the next words were difficult for me to say.
“No, Tobias, Mark died an hour ago.” I felt Tobias start to tremble. He was struggling with himself. I held him close and we just cried. I wanted to comfort him so badly, but no matter how I searched for words, I couldn't find any.
A little later, I took Tobias to my room. It was agreed anyway that he should stay with me and I wanted to sleep on the sofa in the living room. I tried to explain the situation to everyone else and said that I would rather be alone now. My friends were really very worried and understood me.
I went back to my room. Tobias was lying in my bed and crying.
“Hey Tobi, are you okay?“ I asked and sat down carefully on the bed.
”I need him so much, what should I do?“ he cried. I stroked his hair and he said a little more quietly, ‘Please, Sebastian, don't leave me alone here tonight. Stay with me. Please.’
”Okay,” I replied.
Ten minutes later we were both lying in my bed, cuddled up close to each other, holding the other tightly in our arms and crying. How often had I wished in my dreams to lie in bed with a boy like this. And now? Now everything is different, I am just deeply saddened and would give a lot for this story to have turned out differently. I would give anything for that.
I couldn't fall asleep for a long time, thinking of Mark, thinking of the hours we had spent together, thinking of his openness towards me and of his smile that I would never see again. I was angry with myself for not being with him today.
Why Mark of all people? Why him?
I felt bad because I had never told him the whole truth about me and I was sure now that he would have understood. Definitely.
During the next few weeks, I spent almost every free minute with Tobias. He often stayed overnight with me and even had his own guest bed in my room. His mother was glad that I had managed to distract Tobias a little from his great loss and even if I couldn't replace Mark, I liked being with Tobias. I liked it very much and I felt guilty about it. I believed that Tobias really sought a kind of brotherly substitute in me. He liked to hold me, sought my company and told me a lot from his innermost thoughts. Why did I have a guilty conscience about it? Well, for me it was now more than just a good friendship, I loved being with him, being close to him. But I was also afraid of abusing his feelings, which were connected to the death of his brother.
I realized that I had fallen in love with him without ever noticing that he actually looked totally cute. What used to be so important to me with other guys, I didn't even notice about him at first. I liked his nature, his character, regardless of his appearance. Nevertheless, he was very “cute” - about 5'9” - short dark blond hair - blue-gray eyes and the same loving smile as his brother.
One evening when he stayed over again, he was very strange. Tobias was supposed to go on a school trip the next morning and I was supposed to drive him to the train station early because his mother had to work. He hardly said anything all evening and I had the feeling that he really wanted to get something off his chest. We had both already gone to bed and wished each other good night when he suddenly came to my bed.
“Can I ask you something, Sebastian?“
”Sure. Go ahead.“ I could tell that it was difficult for him to find the words and that he was very nervous inside.
”I mean... well... um...“
”Come on, tell me what it is,” I encouraged him.
“Well, I mean... do you think it's really bad when a boy loves a boy?” The question took me a bit by surprise, but I didn't have to think about it for long and said, ‘When two people love each other, it's always something very beautiful and wonderful, no matter if they're two boys or two girls or a boy and a girl.’ Now he seemed to be getting a bit more courageous.
“And what if I love a boy?“ He looked at me, totally unsure.
”Then it's about time, my little Tobi, that you introduce me to the lucky guy.“ I sat up and more or less whispered the last words in his ear.
”I don't need to, you know him well. But he doesn't know about it yet,” he said.
“So?“ I asked, puzzled.
”Who is it?” He put on that eerily sweet smile of his again, but there was also a hint of uncertainty in it.
“It's you, Basti. I love you.“ He came closer to me and looked deep into my eyes.
Wow, of course I had hoped that this conversation would turn out that way, but he really kept me in suspense, and I wanted to keep him on tenterhooks a little longer and didn't say anything for now.
”And now?” he asked, almost anxiously.
“Do you still want to be my friend after you know this?” I had to grin a little but said very seriously: ‘Well, Tobi, now that I know this, you will probably never sleep here in my room on the guest bed again.’ He wanted to answer something but I held my finger over his mouth and said, ”If you sleep here with me, then only in my bed.” He wanted to say something to that as well, but he didn't get the chance. I was faster, took him in my arms and gave him a long, tender kiss.
“I love you too, you fool.”
"Basti, I've never felt so comfortable with anyone, I want to feel you close to me.”
“I love you too,” and we lost ourselves again in an endless kiss.
While we kissed, we caressed each other, without leaving out a single part of the other, and slowly undressed each other. Soon we were both lying naked in my bed, very close to each other. His hands conjured up a wonderful feeling on every part of my body that they touched. At first a little uncertain, but soon he lost all inhibitions. The warmth and security that he gave me almost took my breath away. My hands felt every inch of his warm, soft skin, like in a fire in which you don't get burned. I felt his excitement and I enjoyed touching the parts of his body that I had only ever dreamed of touching on another boy. I felt his body and heard his soft groans. We didn't speak anymore, we didn't need to speak anymore, we were one.
All the things I had imagined so often were nothing compared to this feeling, and I wished it would never end.
It was a shame that he had to leave the next morning for two weeks, I thought. I couldn't wait for him to come back.
But that's a completely different story.