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“Another night with open eyes
too late to sleep, too soon to rise
You're short of breath, is it a heart attack?
Hot and feverish you face the fact
you're in love and it feels like shame
because she's gone and made a fool of you in public again
You're in love and it feels like pain
because you know there's too much truth in everything she claims

So ask yourself now
Can you forgive her
if she wants you to?
Ask yourself
Can you even deliver
what she demands of you?

You drift into the strangest dreams
of youthful follies and changing teams
Admit you're wrong, oh, no, not yet
Then you wake up and remember that you can't forget
she's made you some kind of laughing stock
because you dance to disco and you don't like rock
She made fun of you and even in bed
said she was gonna go and get herself a real man instead

So ask yourself now
Can you forgive her
if she begs you to?
Ask yourself
Can you even deliver
what she demands of you?
Or do you want revenge?
But that's childish, so childish

Remember when you were more easily led
behind the cricket pavilion and the bicycle shed
Trembling as your dreams came true
you looked right into those blue eyes and knew
it was love and now you can't pretend
you've forgotten all the promises of that first friend
It's bad enough she knows how you feel
but she's not prepared to share you with a memory

So ask yourself now
Can you forgive her
if she begs you to?
Ask yourself
Can you even deliver
what she demands of you?
Ask yourself now
Can you forgive her
if she begs you to?
And ask yourself
Can you even deliver
what she demands of you?
Or do you want revenge?
But that's childish, so childish”

(Pet Shop Boys – Can you forgive her?*)

The bedroom was dark, only a little light from the streetlamps came in through the slits in the blinds, spreading in small stripes on the wall. The radio alarm clock, which was next to the bed on the bedside table, showed the time in bright green letters. Three o'clock twelve. Alex sighed as he read the display and turned on his back. He had been lying awake in bed for four hours now, trying to fall asleep for four hours, but the thoughts that were buzzing through his mind kept him from it.
Alex, whose real name was Alexander, had turned 19 a few weeks ago. He had recently started studying architecture in Munich and had moved out of his parents' house, which was in a small village in the Allgäu region. Of course, he couldn't afford his own apartment, so he had found a place to share with three other people. He had got on very well with them from the start, which was one of the reasons why he was actually enjoying his new life here.
And yet Alex was now lying here in the dark and couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard he tried. He was desperate. Not because he had a lecture tomorrow morning, which he could skip, but because of the matter with Lisa. It had all started so well...

Alex had met Lisa at university. There had been something between them from the start, there was a certain tension in the air. He liked Lisa and he thought she was quite good-looking. And she seemed to feel the same way, at least that's what his roommate Leon thought.
“Dude, she's into you.” he made it clear to Alex at some point when the whole clique, including Lisa, was out and about in one of the city's clubs one Friday evening and Leon had to watch the whole evening as Alex and Lisa cautiously circled each other, but neither dared to take it a step further.
After this announcement and another drink, Alex became more courageous. Well, at the end of the evening, the two of them were no longer responsive to the others and were more concerned with themselves, to the delight and simultaneous displeasure of Leon, who seemed very annoyed that his buddy had now found a girlfriend, unlike him.
Lisa was Alex's first girlfriend. During his school days, on the one hand, he had never been particularly interested in girls, but on the other hand, he was still quite shy. Both characteristics combined led to the fact that at some point he had to watch as almost all the guys in his circle of friends had one girlfriend after another, while he was left alone every time. At first, he hadn't even minded – what could he possibly do with a girlfriend, it was just work and all that. But when he was 16, Christian, one of his classmates at the time and a real ladies' man, had told the whole class that Alex must be gay, otherwise there was no way to explain his lack of interest in girls.
In a way, that day changed Alex's life. Before, he didn't care what others thought of him, but he couldn't let Christian's claim stand. Him, gay? Ridiculous. It was always the others who were gay, but he certainly had nothing to do with people like that. He liked playing soccer, hated shopping and the color pink, and had mostly boys, not girls, in his circle of friends.
Well, he did feel a little caught out, after all, he hadn't really been interested in girls until then, and when he did, he would look at boys without realizing it. But he only did that because he admired them, because they were role models for him, because he wanted to be like them. And as for girls, he was probably just a late bloomer, it would come, for sure.
Actually, Alex had never really cared much about how other people lived their lives. He had nothing against gays, and he didn't care about what they did with each other. Since Christian had ridiculed him in front of the whole team, however, he had to regain his reputation. Or build it up from scratch, because he had never been considered a gifted heterosexual. That's why he made sure to make it clear whenever homosexuality was mentioned that he personally would never want to do anything like that. And he made sure to deliberately look at girls, which worked quite well. It worked.
He still hadn't found a girlfriend in the rest of his school days, but he didn't need to. His occasional critical comments about gays, his fantasies about what he would like to do with different girls, which he talked about with his friends – all this led to Christian's claims soon being forgotten.
Only Alex himself had never been able to suppress them.
He was all the more satisfied when he had found Lisa. He liked her, she was funny, nice, and good-looking. And anyone who had a girlfriend couldn't possibly be gay. Of course, Alex didn't just have the relationship for that reason; after all, he liked spending time with Lisa. But it was definitely a plus.

Well, and now he lay here sleepless in bed, Lisa was gone and everything was heading for disaster. It had been looming since the first days of their relationship, but Alex had been blind to it. Now he knew better.
Sighing, he got up – there was no point anymore, he wouldn't fall asleep anyway. He put on his pajamas and shuffled into the kitchen to get something to drink. Since it was the middle of the night, Alex didn't expect to run into one of his roommates, and so he was all the more shocked when he suddenly met Emma in the kitchen.
Emma was one of the two girls who lived here with Alex and Leon, and he got along really well with her. He liked Leon, and of course the two of them stuck together as a faction of the boys, but Alex secretly got along even better with Emma. Both had similar views and a similar sense of humor, and you could talk to Emma about anything. No matter what it was about, she had always been empathetic and understanding, and Alex had had to seek out a word or two of advice from her during his relationship with Lisa.
“What are you doing here?” she whispered in surprise when he entered the room looking rumpled and tired. “You look like crap!” she added. Sometimes she was maybe a bit too honest and direct.
“Thanks, you too.” grumbled Alex. He sat down on one of the chairs around the small kitchen table. “I couldn't sleep, so I might as well get up.” He tried to explain his situation.
“Well, it's a new experience that you can't sleep.“ she winked at him. Why did Emma have to joke at this time of night? He wasn't even lucid enough to get it.
”What are you doing here?” Alex wanted to know now, because slowly he also realized that it was certainly not normal to be standing in the kitchen at half past three in the morning.
“You don't want to know!” Emma just said and then made no effort to explain anything. Hm, that's strange. If he hadn't been so desperate about his own situation, he would have gone out of his way to uncover whatever it was she was trying to hide from him.
“Is it because of Lisa?” Emma asked, hitting Alex harder than he was willing to admit. Last night, their relationship had shattered into about as many pieces as a mirror that had begun to make its final journey towards the floor in slow motion and clearly visible to everyone, and that no one could catch and save. Alex might not have cared if it hadn't been for the fact that so much was at stake. No one could ever find out the real reason why Lisa had broken up with him, otherwise he would have been a laughing stock for the rest of his life. And Alex hadn't worked for years on his reputation to have it snatched away at the first opportunity.
Of course Emma had known for some time that something was going on between him and Lisa, but she didn't know any details and thank God Lisa hadn't blabbed yet either. But Alex was sure that this could well happen in the future, because his ex-girlfriend was obviously very annoyed and unfortunately rather unpredictable. So it was best to take his chance now, while he still had it and while he was still able to fight for his honor.
“Yes, it's about Lisa,” he finally answered, hesitating before saying what he now had to say.
“I broke up with her yesterday. I couldn't do it anymore, we weren't right for each other.” Well, at least the second part wasn't technically a lie. ”She didn't understand and was extremely angry, almost sounded like she wanted revenge. So if she shows up here anytime soon telling some story or other, it's best not to take her too seriously. Just like always, really.”
He tried to make it sound like a joke and laughed briefly, but stopped when he realized that Emma was looking at him questioningly. Obviously, she didn't find the story as funny as he did, but probably for a different reason. Although he felt a bit bad for having lied to a good friend, he knew that he had no other choice. He had to get to Lisa before she blindsided the others with the truth.
“Alex...” Emma seemed to consider her words very carefully before she finally spoke. She seemed worried; obviously she didn't completely buy the story. “First of all, I'm sorry. I've noticed that there's been tension between you two. But isn't this a bit harsh on Lisa?”
Of course she suspected something. Why did Emma always have to be so damn righteous? Normally, that was one of the qualities he particularly liked about her, because she seemed to stand up for just about anyone who was treated unfairly. But did she really have to stab him in the back like this? He couldn't look her in the eye, otherwise she would probably have convicted him immediately.
“Well, maybe you're right. I'm sorry. After all, it's the middle of the night...” he tried to straighten things out again. He was very happy to apologize for his choice of words; he himself realized that it was mean to talk about his ex-girlfriend in this way just a few hours after breaking up. And as long as he discussed the choice of words with her, she hopefully wouldn't get the idea to question the content of his words. As long as Emma remembered that Lisa was only out for revenge and that she shouldn't believe everything she said, he was satisfied.
“It's okay, Alex, I don't know if I would have been fair in your situation either.” If only she knew what his situation really was. ”As I said, I'm very sorry that your relationship fell apart, but then she probably just wasn't the right one for you. From what I know of you, you are a very empathetic, sensitive and kind person and you definitely deserve someone who loves you for who you are. I really hope that you can find that person one day, since it was obviously not Lisa.”
Why did she say that in such a strange way? And why did she consistently use the gender-neutral formulation? For a brief moment, Alex had the feeling that everyone was now conspiring against him. No, he thought, it's nothing more than a coincidence.
“If you want to talk about it...” Emma followed up. For a brief moment, Alex was overcome with the desire to tell her the truth – the whole truth. His web of lies and half-truths would collapse and he could feel free again. It would be easy and it would be a relief, but he wasn't ready yet. He could almost admit to himself that he had been lying to himself all these years, but he wanted to cling to his last hopes for a while, especially in front of others.
That meant that if he talked to Emma now, he would have to lie, and he didn't want to do that again. So it was best to go back to bed, wallow in self-pity and just not say anything at all.
“Thanks, but not right now, I don't think so... Have fun with whatever it is you were doing here that I definitely don't want to know about, I'm going back to bed,” he said, giving Emma a brief nod as she looked at him with a frown, then turning around and making his way back to his room.

The drama had begun when he had visited Lisa the night before. According to drama theory, exposition and the moment of rising tension (but not the actual words) had already passed, the action was heading straight for the climax, and the final catastrophe was only a matter of time. If his private life were a theater performance and Alex were just a spectator, he would almost certainly have been thrilled.
The two had been together for two months, but apart from a bit of kissing and fumbling, not much had happened between them yet. Lisa wanted to, but Alex had always held her back. He just didn't feel ready for it yet, at least that's what he kept telling himself.
But it was clear that Lisa would have to get her way eventually, because even before that, she had repeatedly teased Alex about it, saying that he must be a total wimp if he had rejected her again. If it went on like this, she would have to find herself a real man at some point, she joked.
Alex didn't think it was funny and he didn't laugh either, but Lisa just said that he obviously had no sense of humor – no wonder if he could never laugh at the Till Schweiger movies that he sometimes had to watch with Lisa out of obligation.
Last night was different, though, as Alex realized as soon as he arrived in the hallway of Lisa's apartment. Lisa lived alone in the not-so-tiny apartment, which was understandably rather unusual for a first-semester student without a side job. Wealthy parents was the keyword.
They had a delicious dinner (Lisa was an excellent cook, definitely one of the biggest advantages of their relationship, Alex thought) and had a drink or two – nothing new in itself. But throughout the evening, Lisa had made some very suggestive remarks that increasingly unsettled Alex.
When the plates were finally empty, Lisa came over to him, hugged him and sat on Alex's lap. After a few passionate kisses on her part, which Alex returned slightly shocked, she whispered suggestively in his ear, “I want to sleep with you. Now!”
Alex was nervous and a little afraid. And he wasn't aroused by any stretch of the imagination – it was all just happening way too fast for him. Lisa seemed to be different, she seemed really wild about him and couldn't wait any longer. Alex let her lead him to the bedroom via a few intermediate stops, doing his best. Until then, he still had hope that he could change the inevitable outcome of the story.
Even hours later, Alex still saw the scene that followed over and over again in his mind's eye. His top had been lost in the heat of the moment; he found it later in the hallway when he was leaving the apartment, fleeing from Lisa's anger. Lisa herself was standing topless in front of him, which for almost any other boy his age would have been the best moment of the year. Alex had never been able to do anything with breasts, at least he had been able to admit that – he didn't understand why his old classmates had always made such a big deal about it. Nevertheless, he had always tried hard not to let it show.
Alex was finally betrayed by his own best friend when Lisa set about removing his trousers to get at her object of desire. The result was sobering and did not change even when Lisa finally pulled his underpants down in disbelief. His penis was about as limp as it would be if he had just taken a cold shower or was at a senior yoga class in the locker room. In retrospect, he gave Lisa credit for not saying a word and just staring at him – in her gaze, he could see a mixture of anger and “I knew it after all”.
What followed, however, was not so nice. The disappointment slowly disappeared from Lisa's face and turned into an almost diabolical grin.
“I think you'd better go now, little fagot,” she said before he finally managed to find his scattered clothes and leave the apartment with as much dignity as possible.

Darkness. And light. Bizarre objects fly through the room, they are orange, blue, black or white, sometimes in the shape of balls, sometimes of cones. A large brown bird runs towards Alex, only turning away at the last moment. Spikes grow out of the ground next to him, no less artificial than the rest of this mysterious place. Alex saw men dressed in orange and wearing strange pointed hats. They stood around him, sat on ladders, looked through telescopes... yes, into the distance, or pushed some of the strange colorful balls through the air, contrary to any laws of gravity.
Then the scene around him changed and Alex found himself in his own past, more precisely in the changing room of the school's own swimming pool, together with the other boys from his class. Although everything seemed a bit blurry, Alex could still clearly remember the faces of his former classmates. And their naked bodies, still slightly shiny after showering.
Suddenly it went dark, the humidity and steam around him disappeared as suddenly as they had come and Alex suddenly felt a certain fear. Then Lisa's face appeared in front of him, next to him, behind him and below him, she was everywhere and laughed at him, her voice sounded malicious. “I think you'd better go now, you little fag.”
"Little fag!”

Horrified and soaked in sweat, Alex jumped. He breathed faster and needed a moment to orient himself in the darkness of his room. Take it easy, it was just a dream, he told himself, but this one clearly had too much truth to it. Lisa's words still echoed in his head and almost drove him to despair.
After he had managed to calm down, he slowly became aware of his situation again. He had obviously managed to fall asleep after his strange conversation with Emma in the nightly shared flat kitchen. But it hadn't been a restful sleep, on the contrary, Alex felt like he'd been beaten up.
He looked at the clock wearily. Almost six. His alarm would go off in less than half an hour. He resignedly flopped back onto his pillow. “What a crappy night,” he muttered, not expecting the next day to be any better.

The day didn't get any better. But it didn't get any worse either, at least. Emma had luckily left him alone at breakfast, for which he should have brought her flowers or a box of Merci chocolates sometime, if she didn't then definitely bring up the subject with him.
During the lecture a little later, he kept looking at his cell phone in fear, expecting someone who had just fallen into Lisa's clutches and now knew the truth to contact him at any moment. When he finally sat on the subway on his way home and still nothing had happened, Alex relaxed a little and should have been relieved, but somehow he was also a little disappointed. However, he couldn't really put his finger on where the latter feeling came from.
The subway arrived at the station where he had to change trains. He got up, got off and was about to head for the escalator when he was approached from the side.
“Alex? What a coincidence!” he heard at first, then he turned around and saw Julian, with whom he had recently attended school together. He grinned at him just as cheekily and at the same time kindly as he had done for all those years when they had seen each other almost every day. Julian didn't seem to have changed much in the last few months.
“Oh, hi Julian.” Alex said and tried to act as relaxed as possible. Not Julian, please not Julian. It wasn't that he didn't like him – the two had always gotten along well and had been something like friends, but had lost touch after graduating from high school. There was another reason why Alex felt uncomfortable in Julian's presence and why he definitely didn't want to see him right now.
It started with his already described smile and ended with his body and his behavior towards Alex also played a role: Julian had always had an uncanny attraction to him, stronger than he had ever experienced with any other person. Alex wanted to be close to him, spend time with him, touch him and much more – things he had forbidden himself to even imagine. And every time, Alex felt guilty because he didn't want that, because he was straight and because he knew that this was what love had to feel like. And now that his self-confidence had suffered so badly in this respect under Lisa, he simply couldn't stand Julian's charisma, let alone withstand it.
However, Julian seemed to be completely unaware of Alex's feelings and his current dislike, as he was just as friendly and talkative as ever.
“Well, how are you doing? Haven't heard from you in a while!” he began the conversation and grinned broadly at Alex. At that moment, the latter just wanted to get away from there, because he realized again how weak he became when he saw Julian. But since it would have been rather impolite to just turn around and run away, Alex tried to pull himself together as best he could.
“I'm fine, and you? I'm now studying architecture here in Munich.“
”Really? Cool! I'm in Munich now too. Biology.” That fits Julian, Alex thought to himself. He had always been interested in animals, plants and nature.
“Sounds good. Hey, I don't have that much time, I'm in a bit of a hurry right now, but maybe we'll see each other again sometime.” Alex tried to extricate himself from the affair as skilfully as possible. He really wasn't in a position to have this conversation without breaking down into tears.
“Sure, no problem. Do you want to go for a drink tomorrow? It's Friday...” Julian said, seemingly very enthusiastic about the idea. Alex was not, because his need for his friend had become much too great again. But okay, a few hours wouldn't be a problem...
“Sure, why not? I'll text you later and let you know what time it would be okay,” Alex replied and tried to smile again as a goodbye, then the two parted again.

Alex spent most of the evening in his room. Emma, Leon and Vanessa, his three roommates, wanted to take him to the movies, but Alex was able to talk his way out of it under the pretext that he wasn't feeling well. That wasn't even a lie, because just thinking about Lisa or Julian gave Alex a stomach ache. So while the three of them left without him, Alex went to bed quite early, hoping that he would sleep better this night than he had in the last. To his own surprise, he actually managed to do so, and so he drifted relatively quickly into a cold and colorless darkness.

The next day, the stomach aches had gone and Alex hadn't had any more nightmares either, which is why he even felt relatively recovered. When he wasn't in as bad a mood at breakfast as he had been the days before, Emma just raised an eyebrow questioningly, but didn't say anything else.
The rest of the day was uneventful, and it wasn't until late afternoon that Alex became a little more nervous as his meeting with Julian approached.
“Well, you seem pretty nervous,” Vanessa also remarked when Alex met her in the shared kitchen, where he had been staring into space, lost in thought, while his leg trembled restlessly.
“Haha yeah, maybe...” Alex tried to talk his way out of it, feeling caught. ‘So, what do you have planned for the weekend?’ Distraction is always good, he thought to himself.
“Well, not much actually. I thought about visiting my parents on Sunday. I have to study tomorrow. What about you?“
”I don't have any plans either, well, actually I do. I'm meeting a friend from school tonight. We're going to that bar where we went the other night.”
Vanessa seemed pleased about that, because she hadn't missed Alex's bad mood the last few days either. “Sounds cool! I wish you lots of fun.”
It was 6:30 p.m. Still an hour and a half until Alex was supposed to meet Julian. Smiling, he said goodbye to Vanessa, then went to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the evening.

Munich, Glockenbachviertel, eight o'clock in the evening. It was a Friday at the end of October, but the city still seemed to be desperately clinging to the late summer. There were people everywhere, dressed surprisingly optimistically in view of the ever lower temperatures. They laughed, were cheerful and moved from one locality to the next.
Alex, however, had no attention for them, Lisa's words just wouldn't leave his head. Besides, the thought of meeting Julian in a moment made him quite nervous. “I'm not gay,” he kept saying to himself, but he didn't really find that convincing.
Julian wasn't there yet when Alex entered the bar where the two had arranged to meet. He went inside anyway, sat down at a free table and ordered a shot without thinking about it. Maybe alcohol does solve problems after all, Alex thought to himself, while he looked out for his buddy and emptied the shot glass in one gulp.
When Julian finally arrived – about ten minutes late, he had never been the most punctual – Alex had already emptied two more glasses and the waitress was already starting to give him strangely worried looks.
“Hey, sorry, the subway again. Did you have to wait long?” Julian started the conversation when he reached the table slightly out of breath and took off his jacket.
“Nah, mate, just ten minutes or so, no problem.“ Alex replied, already much more relaxed than the day before. The alcohol didn't seem so bad at that moment. ‘Do you want something to drink too? I already ordered a bit...’
”Well, you're in a hurry again. Sure, I'm in.” Julian grinned at him.
The evening turned out to be much more positive and cheerful than Alex had feared. The two talked about everything under the sun – memories from their school days, how much their lives had changed in just a short time at university in the new city, and many other trivialities. Rather unconsciously, Alex more or less maintained his drinking pace, so that after a while he already felt a little dizzy and noticed how he was slowly but surely losing control of himself.
“I should stop this, I have to be able to control myself” was the last thing Alex thought clearly before the alcohol did the rest.
Time passed quickly and unnoticed, eight became nine, nine became ten, and by half past ten at the latest, Alex was no longer aware of the time and other things due to the alcohol. Therefore, he also missed when a girl, who was about his and Julian's age, entered the bar, looked around briefly between the happy celebrating guests and then headed purposefully for the two boys' table. Lisa.
Her expression lay somewhere between subliminal anger, triumph and the will to totally destroy her opponent. Not that Alex could have recognized it, but even in his state, he noticed that the mood in his surroundings suddenly changed – from a summery, warm beach party to a refrigerator warehouse in the Antarctic, with many small penguins standing around him innocently, enjoying the spectacle that was about to unfold with a bag of popcorn. Metaphorically speaking.
Julian couldn't possibly know what was going on here, but since he was much more sober than Alex, he didn't miss Lisa's expression. “Hi, are you looking for something...” he started, but Lisa ignored him skillfully and turned to Alex immediately.
“So that's where you are, so the others were right after all,” she snapped at him – loud enough for them to be heard three tables away. ‘Who's that, ’Schatzi'? Your new boyfriend? He seems to suit you perfectly, almost as camp as you! I always suspected...”
In the next moment, quite a few things happened at the same time. Julian sat on his chair, open-mouthed and with an astonished and shocked expression on his face, staring at Lisa and appearing to be extremely confused. Lisa frightened him, but on the other hand, he was very angry about what this fury was actually allowing herself.
After Lisa's performance, almost the entire restaurant fell into a tense silence – the few people who hadn't noticed anything and who initially continued to talk as if nothing had happened quickly followed the example of the others, fell silent, and waited with curious glances for the drama a few tables away to continue.
And then there was Alex himself, to whom Lisa's words slowly filtered through and who felt absolutely unable to have this conversation – if you wanted to call it that. Inside, he cursed himself for having lost control of himself today of all days, while trying to find the right words for a successful comeback.
“Um,” he finally managed, not very ingeniously. ‘Lisa, I'm... I'm not gay, this is ridiculous. Now go away, okay!’ At least Alex had regained some control of his voice after a few words.
“Hah, your excuses are ridiculous. Everyone has noticed that you are interested in other guys. And anyway, are you drunk?” Lisa's voice had that tone with which she had regularly infuriated Alex in the past, and back then it was about more harmless things. In this case, Alex was concerned about his reputation, and he was also quite drunk.
“I'll show you gay!” Alex shouted, he had jumped up so abruptly that his chair fell over, and now he stood in front of Lisa, about to push her backwards.
That was the moment when Julian regained his composure, he also jumped up and pulled Alex away from his ex-girlfriend. ”Hey, calm down and don't do anything stupid.” he whispered to him, then he turned to Lisa: “I don't know what your problem or your mission is, but I think you'd better leave now.”
“Well, what if I don't?”
"That wasn't a question! If you have a problem with Alex, then sort it out with him in private. When he's sober again. Now get out!”
Lisa seemed for a moment as if she wouldn't give in so easily, but then she just grinned, wished the two of them a lot of fun, turned around and stalked off.
The crowd around Alex and Julian looked after Lisa, then she took a last scrutinizing look at Alex before the conversations at the various tables continued. The show seemed to be over for today.
Even though Alex was not quite clear-headed, he still realized what had just happened. Completely exhausted, he let himself sink back into his chair and stared thoughtfully at the table top, admiring the pattern in the wood and otherwise trying to blend in with the wall behind him as much as possible.
Julian seemed to need a moment to swallow his anger at Lisa and to calm down, then he sighed and sat down again as well. Alex sensed his friend's gaze resting on him, but he didn't dare look up.
“Okay, do you want to tell me what that was all about, or should I just imagine the rest?” Julian finally asked when the silence had lasted for about a minute.
Alex hesitated. It would be so easy to tell Julian everything here and now; to end the charade he played for himself and everyone else every day. But he couldn't, not yet. Not here and not now.
“Not here, okay?“ he finally said. As he said it, Alex raised his head a little and finally met Julian's gaze. To his surprise, Julian's gaze was rather curious and yet understanding – Alex had expected anger or rejection.
”Sure, we can go to my place, it's not that far. I think it's better if we leave anyway...”
Without another word, Julian paid the bill for both of them, while Alex tried to put on his jacket with as much dignity as possible. He didn't really succeed in his condition. Then the two of them left the bar and immersed themselves in Munich's nightlife.

Outside, in the cold night air, on the way to the subway station, Alex finally managed to think clearly again. And these were not positive:
“For heaven's sake, I'm such an idiot, fuck fuck fuck, why can't I keep control of myself when it's important, how could Lisa do this to me, that was exactly her intention, to embarrass me in front of everyone , I'll show her, that two-faced snake, Alex, calm down, getting worked up won't help, I have to concentrate, what will Julian think of me if I don't come across convincingly, he'll end up thinking I'm gay too. Then it's over with our friendship and everyone will find out anyway and then I'm ruined, why me, I can't do this anymore, can't I just like women like everyone else, I don't want to be gay. The others should not notice that under any circumstances, I have to stop Lisa, who knows what she has already told everyone and especially to whom, Leon will make fun of me, he'll say I'm a wimp, calm Alex, calm down, breathe... in... out, it's certainly not too late yet, in... out..., what should I say to Julian now, I'm scared...”
Meanwhile, Julian walked next to Alex without saying a word. He only occasionally looked nervously at his friend from the side when he thought Alex wouldn't notice. He, too, was lost in thought, because Julian really wanted to know what had just happened. But he realized that Alex wouldn't answer him now, so he continued to remain silent patiently.
The night passed before Alex's eyes as the two of them walked through the streets, which had now become much quieter. The outside world felt very unreal to him right now; he could see it, but he didn't feel part of it; he was much more trapped in the bubble of his own thoughts. In the meantime, it had started to drizzle and the few people who had to walk outside in this weather had pulled their hoods down over their faces and scurried purposefully and almost unnoticed past the two of them. After a few minutes, which felt like an eternity, Alex and Julian could see the lights of the subway station reflected on the wet asphalt. For Julian, it was salvation from the cold and wet, but for Alex, it felt like the last few meters of freedom.

The journey was also almost completely silent, and after about twenty more minutes, the two of them reached Julian's apartment. Only now did Julian dare to break the silence.
"Well, have you calmed down a bit?”
The correct answer to this question would have been no, but since it was less complicated for both of them, Alex finally answered with a somewhat hesitant yes.
"Would you like to tell me what that was about earlier? Who the hell was that?”
Alex didn't feel really comfortable, but he knew he'd better answer the questions. To keep Julian as a friend, but also to prevent Julian from finding out the truth on his own, which Alex didn't want to admit.
“That was my ex-girlfriend. We had an argument and she didn't take the breakup too well.” Strictly speaking, that wasn't even a lie.
“Oh, okay. I'm sorry for you. Well, I mean, that you had to break up, of course...” Julian seemed very insecure, but in the end curiosity won out. ”But what did she mean about me being your new boyfriend and that you were gay?”
At that moment, it felt as if a switch had been flipped somewhere in Alex's head – he couldn't and wouldn't take it anymore, and when he saw Julian looking at him with absolute understanding, kindness and somehow even a bit of sweetness, he collapsed on the sofa and did something he had denied himself for years and didn't really want to do. Alex cried.
It started quietly and timidly, but when Julian took him in his arms and held him close to his warm chest, Alex's sobs became louder and louder. So they sat together for several minutes, cuddled up on the sofa in Julian's room, Alex cried and Julian stroked his arm comfortingly and murmured soothing words.
Alex didn't like this weak side of himself, it made him vulnerable, and in this case it revealed the truth, but after a while, when he had slowly calmed down again, he had to admit that he had rarely felt so good in the last few weeks. All the pressure and stress had fallen away from him, what remained was Julian. Julian and his warm, soft hand that had been stroking his arm for minutes. At that moment, Alex felt as if he could let himself go here, as if he could finally be himself for once. And so what he did next was more of an knee-jerk reaction.
Slowly, Alex felt upwards with his hand until he found Julian's. When the fingers of the two boys touched, Alex looked up at Julian, his eyes red with crying but now almost beaming with happiness. Julian looked a little surprised at first, but then also very pleased. Alex was immediately sure that this moment was the most beautiful one he had ever experienced, and a pleasant warmth spread through his body from the places where their bodies touched. Encouraged by these positive feelings, Alex slowly raised his head, looked into the happy smiling eyes of Julian and then kissed him - a bit hesitant at first, but Alex quickly realized that his friend was returning his kiss, and from that moment on there was no stopping them both.
The next half hour, the great feeling that Alex had had when their hands first touched surpassed itself significantly. He was acting mostly on reflex and still felt as if he were in a trance, but at some point Alex felt Julian's hand on parts of his body that he usually only touched himself. Alex himself also kept feeling his way further and further, and finally the two of them were lying on the couch, naked and highly aroused, touching each other all over.

Darkness. Light. The next nightmare. Then the scenery changes. Warmth. Sun. A hand holding Alex's hand. He lifts his head and sees the face of the person he loves, because it must be love, Alex is sure of that at this moment. It's Julian. Julian. A boy. No, it can't be. It can't be.

Breathing heavily, Alex jumped. “Where am I?” he asked himself. Then it dawned on him. He was still lying on Julian's sofa, naked except for his underpants. Julian was asleep in his arms and he, too, looked about as worn out as Alex felt. Startled, Alex jumped up to find his clothes. This woke Julian up, he stretched on the sofa and had a happy grin on his face. However, this quickly disappeared when he saw how hectically Alex was trying to get dressed again.
“Hey, good morning. Are you okay?” With that, Julian touched a sore spot with Alex.
“No, I'm not okay. What happened yesterday wasn't me, I was drunk. It was a one-time experiment, do you understand?“
”No, to be honest, I don't understand. It was obvious that you liked it, so what's the point now?“
”I'm not gay, do you hear me? I! Am! Not! Gay! And don't even get the idea to touch me again!” Alex was really in a rage now. How could Julian accuse him of such a thing?
But Julian was slowly getting angry too. He stared at Alex, who had meanwhile found his jeans and was trying to put them on without taking his eyes off Julian or falling over.
“You're just scared! You're incredibly cowardly, Alex! Then go ahead and disown yourself for the rest of your life if it makes you happy. Honestly, I feel sorry for you!” As soon as he spoke these words, Julian regretted them, but the way Alex treated himself and others made him very angry.
Alex didn't answer anymore. He glared at Julian one last time, his blue eyes as cold as ice. Then he left the apartment, fully dressed, without saying another word. When the door slammed shut, Julian sank back onto the sofa and cried.

Alex lay in his bed and cried. After his dramatic departure from Julian's place, he had gotten on the subway with a stony expression, driven home, pretended nothing was wrong in front of his roommates, just briefly telling them that he had slept at a friend's house, then crawled into his room and had been there for three hours, crying nonstop ever since.
What should he do? Never before had anything felt right for Alex like it did with Julian the night before. And Julian obviously wanted it too. But Alex couldn't do it. He wasn't gay, at least he still wanted to believe that himself. And so he had no choice but to give free rein to his tears here in his room, so that he could later pretend like nothing had happened in front of everyone. The best thing would be to find himself a girlfriend again...
A knock at his door interrupted Alex's thoughts. “Can I come in?” Emma's voice was heard at the door.
“No,” Alex replied brusquely. He knew that he would probably scare Emma away with that, just as he had done with Julian, but he couldn't talk to her. He probably wouldn't even be able to look at her.
“Alex, don't be stupid. I can see and hear that you're not doing well, and I won't leave you alone until you tell me what the problem is.”
“Emma, please go away.“ Alex felt bad asking his girlfriend to leave, but what else could he do?
”Lisa was here,” Emma suddenly said. It sounded completely neutral, completely unbiased, but Alex sensed that this must be another reason why she wanted to talk to him now. Since he had been speechless after that announcement anyway, Alex simply didn't answer. After twenty seconds of silence, the room door finally opened and Emma stood in the room. She looked briefly and expressionlessly at Alex, who was still lying on the bed, completely tear-stained, then she went wordlessly to him, sat down next to Alex and hugged him.
After they had been sitting there for a few minutes, Emma finally broke the silence.
“Do you want to tell me what's going on?”
“What did Lisa say?” Alex asked, somewhat unsettled.
“Lisa said a lot of things, but I want to hear your version of the story,” Emma replied.
Alex thought about it. He could lie to Emma, as he had always done until now, but the more he got entangled in this web of lies, the more difficult it would be for him to maintain it. Besides, Emma knew Lisa's version of the story, and since Alex had just spent three hours crying in his room, Alex's version was hardly credible in comparison.
"Well...”
“Yes?” Emma smiled at him invitingly. ”You don't have to do it, but you can really tell me anything, you know that.”
“I can't do that yet. I'm sorry, but I can't get it over my lips. Maybe you'd like to tell me what Lisa said first?” Alex felt that he was slowly opening up, yes, had to open up, otherwise he would break because of it, but he couldn't admit it to himself yet.
“All right, if you must know. She told me in great detail about your attempt to have sex. Much too much detail, to be honest, I didn't want to know all those details about you. But at least now I know the reason you guys broke up. And I realized that's why you lied to me, Alex.”
“Yes, I guess that's right.“ Alex sighed. It was over, Emma knew the truth, so why should he continue to hide from her? ‘Are you angry with me?’
”At first I was, but then I put two and two together and realized that you probably had a good reason for it. Which brings us to the next point: Lisa said that you must be gay.”
“And what do you think?” Alex trembled slightly, but on the whole he had kept himself under control surprisingly well. He sensed that something was going to change and that it had long since become too late to resist it. And that filled him with relief.
“I think,” Lisa started, looking Alex deep in the eyes, ”that this would explain a lot. And what do you think? Because that's the much more important question.”
“Well, I think you're right.” Alex had said the sentence before he could even think about it, and it just felt incredibly liberating. Carefully, he raised his eyes and looked Emma in the eyes to observe her reaction.
Emma smiled. She seemed almost relieved.
“I'm glad you trusted me with this. You know, I've noticed for a while that you've been keeping something from us, you've been trying almost frantically to hide it. And when the story with Lisa came up, it quickly became clear to me what it was really about. And that you weren't just hiding it from us, but also from yourself. Which was completely unnecessary, and that's why I'm really happy that I hope this will change now. The others had already started betting on how long it would take for you to accept the truth.“
”What, the others knew about it? Why? How?” Alex was almost overwhelmed by this answer, because until just now he had believed that he had kept his secret perfectly.
“You know, the more frantically you try to hide something from others, the more obvious it becomes to the people who really know you. And we do now. Leon wanted to talk to you about it, but Vanessa and I stopped him. We thought that it would only have made you more defensive and probably aggressive towards us.”
“And you were right. I was so scared that I felt I would do anything to keep convincing myself that I was straight. I'm especially wondering why I suddenly gave up now. I have no idea what was going on with me all that time, I felt a bit like I was being controlled by an outside force.”
“Well, whatever it was, be glad about it. We noticed how you kept getting more and more upset about it. You wouldn't have been able to keep it up for much longer, I'm sure of it. Actually, you should thank Lisa for her... let's say unconventional... approach to the matter.” Emma laughed at these words.
“Hm, I never saw it that way before, until now I wanted to shoot her down. I felt really humiliated. Did she tell you what she did last night?"
Emma shook her head and looked at Alex questioningly. When he told her about what had happened in the bar with Julian, she seemed a little surprised.
“Wow, okay, I wouldn't have thought Lisa was capable of that. She really seems to have loved you in her own way, otherwise she wouldn't have been so eager to get back at you at all costs.“
”Do you think so? I always got the impression that she thought I was boring and stuffy?” Alex asked, somewhat unsettled.
“No, I don't think so. We've talked about you a few times, and she always had a lot of enthusiasm for you. I guess everyone has their own way of showing their love.” At Emma's last remark, both of them burst out laughing. Then suddenly Leon and Vanessa were standing in the doorway.
“Have we missed something?” Leon asked, while Vanessa hadn't failed to notice the two's sense of relief. She frowned and looked at Emma questioningly, who nodded slightly.
“What are you two up to here?” Leon asked, who hadn't missed the eye contact between the two girls. However, they ignored him as they often did – the boys and girls in the flat were officially rivals – and Vanessa began to speak instead.
“Say, Alex, did you actually notice that Lisa was just here again?” she asked cautiously. It was probably her way of feeling her way slowly.
“Emma just told me, yes.” Of course, Alex knew immediately what she was getting at, but somehow he felt like letting his girlfriend struggle a little longer. At that moment, he realized that it was the first time in days that he had enjoyed talking to his friends. Alex felt better than he had in a long time, he was sure of that.
“So, what exactly did she tell you?“ Leon, whose curiosity was obviously great, followed up.
”Only what Lisa told me.” Emma also seemed to have found fun in holding out the two roommates. She secretly winked at Alex, who grinned back cheekily.
“You're mean! Did you tell him about Lisa's, well, guess?“ Vanessa rolled her eyes playfully.
”Yeah. Sure.“ Emma remained steadfast.
”Don't keep him in suspense like that. Alex, what did you say?” Leon finally seemed to want to know the truth.
Alex listened to himself for a moment. When he had finally confirmed to Emma, and thus to himself, that he was actually gay a few minutes ago, it had been a kind of knee-jerk reaction of his subconscious. If he had thought about it for a moment, Alex would probably have continued to deny himself, but something inside him wanted to finally end this eternal repression of facts. And Alex felt better than ever now that this burden had finally been lifted from his shoulders after all these weeks, months and years.
This time, he had deliberately chosen his answer to Leon's question, and it felt good to say it.
“I said it was probably true.“ Alex spoke with a firm voice and didn't lower his gaze when he said it. When it was out, he smiled contentedly.
”What, really? Do you really know what Lisa said about you?“ Leon couldn't believe that Alex was suddenly so different.
”That I'm gay, yes.”
“I never thought I'd live to see this day! Come on, let me give you a hug.” Vanessa also seemed very relieved when she took Alex in her arms and almost squeezed him to death. Leon stood behind her and smiled contentedly. Since cool guys naturally don't hug, he just nodded appreciatively at Alex, while the latter slowly began to experience mild panic attacks in Vanessa's somewhat too strong embrace.
“I think we should celebrate this tonight. Finally, we have the happy Alex back and finally he can accept himself! How about pizza for later?” This suggestion came from Emma and was also very well received by Leon and Vanessa. The two immediately agreed to prepare everything and made their way to the kitchen.
Emma stayed with Alex. She only spoke again when it had calmed down.
“I'm really happy that it turned out the way it did today, Alex! I hope you know that you can always tell me anything.” Something in her tone of voice told Alex that she wasn't just saying that.
"Yeah, I know. It was stupid of me.”
“Well, everyone probably has trouble accepting themselves at the beginning when they realize they're gay. It just took you a little longer.” She emphasized the ‘little’ with quotation marks. ”But that can't be the only reason why you were lying in your bed for three hours straight earlier, crying. There's something else, isn't there?”
When Emma said that, Alex's thoughts immediately turned back to Julian. He could already feel the tears coming again.
“I did something stupid. Something very stupid,” Alex murmured dejectedly.
“Do you want to tell me about it or should I leave you alone?” Emma asked cautiously.
“No, it's okay, please stay with me. I realize now that it's good for me to talk to someone about my problems. I should have done this much earlier.“ Alex sighed before continuing.
”I met with a school friend yesterday. Julian. I already told you about it earlier, because of the thing with Lisa.“
”Yes, that's right. Go on.”
“Anyway, Julian's not just any school friend. At first, I didn't really want to meet up with him because I've always felt a little more than friendship for him. I was in love with him, even though I never wanted to admit it to myself. When I met him again the other day, he immediately reminded me that I like guys, something I really wanted to suppress at all costs.
I met up with him anyway, and to avoid my problems, I got drunk during the evening. After what happened with Lisa, he was pretty shocked, but he wanted to know what that meant. He then took me to his place, where I actually wanted to explain it to him, but it turned out differently. I couldn't do it and instead I started crying, he held me in his arms and comforted me. As I said, I was drunk and it felt so good to be held in his arms. One thing led to another, and I tried to get close to him. And he went along with it immediately. I think it was already relatively obvious during our school days that he liked me just as much as I liked him, even though we never dared to talk to each other about it, of course.
Well, in any case, yesterday we kept on going until we fell asleep naked on his sofa at some point. I think it was the most beautiful thing I had ever felt, but when I woke up the next morning, I couldn't admit it to myself. I screamed at him that it was an accident and that he should leave me alone, and he said I should go and continue to deny myself.
I think I hurt him. Do you understand? He's the greatest guy I know, I obviously still love him, even if I didn't want to believe it, and he feels the same way. And then I come along and trample my luck underfoot. I was such an idiot! What am I going to do?”
Towards the end of his story, Alex broke down into tears again, so that he had to pause for a moment between each sentence. Emma had put her arm around Alex again and listened attentively. When Alex had finished, the two sat in silence for a while.
“Do you think he'll ever want to see me again?” Alex finally dared to ask when he had calmed down a bit.
“Hmm, difficult. I think your behavior hurt him a lot more than if you had just blocked him out right from the start. First, all his dreams came true, he was probably quite happy with it, and from one moment to the next he was brought back down to earth with a bump. He probably didn't know what was happening to him. If I were him, I would be pretty angry at you. He must feel like you toyed with his feelings.” Emma paused briefly while Alex stared dejectedly at the floor.
“But if he really loves you, then it's possible that he might give you one last chance if you try. Even if it means you might break his heart again. So I can't promise you that he'll give you the opportunity to explain yourself, but I think you should try."
Alex thought about this for a while.
“Thanks, Emma, I think you're right. I have to go to him right away!“ Alex had already jumped up from his bed at these words.
”Wait, maybe he's not even home.“
”It's Saturday, and if he feels half as crappy as I did earlier, he's not likely to leave the apartment today.“
”Hm, that makes sense. And the pizza?”
“Oh. Maybe we should celebrate tomorrow instead…“
”It's okay, don't feel bad. Go talk to him. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. I'll explain the rest to Leon and Vanessa.“ Emma winked at him as she said it.
”Thanks, Emma. See you later.” Alex gave his girlfriend another hug, and then he was already on his way to the apartment door.

Alex didn't believe in fate. Who does? But as he sat on the subway on his way to Julian's, he felt that this moment must have been predetermined by a higher power. He had just put his headphones in his ears and turned on the music when Lisa got on at the next station and came to a stop just one door away from him. She spotted Alex immediately and looked at him provocatively. Alex didn't look down. His cell phone played “Can You Forgive Her?” by the Pet Shop Boys. The words penetrated Alex's ear.

"She's made you some kind of laughing stock
Because you dance to disco and you don't like rock
She made fun of you and even in bed
Said she was gonna go and get herself a real man instead”

(Pet Shop Boys – Can you forgive her?*)

The two of them were still looking each other straight in the eye. Lisa looked triumphant and a little arrogant.

“So ask yourself now
Can you forgive her
If she begs you to?
Ask yourself
Can you even deliver
What she demands of you?
Or do you want revenge?
But that's childish, so childish"

(Pet Shop Boys – Can you forgive her?*)

Alex stared expressionlessly back. The subway reached the next stop. Alex got up, turned around and got off without looking back. He didn't know if he could forgive Lisa. Maybe someday? She had tried to humiliate him, and at times she had succeeded. But she had also helped him to find his true self through her behavior. Alex shook his head slightly and made his way to the exit. The train pulled out and left the station. Lisa was gone. The nightmare was over. Once and for all.

A few minutes later, Alex was standing in front of Julian's apartment door. All kinds of thoughts were going through his mind, and suddenly he was afraid that Julian might never forgive him. That he might reject him and that Alex, through his own stupidity, had taken the boy he actually wanted so much. It therefore took a while before he dared to press the bell.
Soft footsteps sounded in the hallway, growing louder as they approached. The door opened and Julian stood behind it. He looked deeply dejected, but when he saw Alex, a jolt went through his body.
“What are you doing here?” Julian asked, trying to sound distant.
“Julian, please listen to me, I'm so incredibly sorry about this morning.” The words just poured out of Alex. ”I was such an idiot. You're the one I've always wanted, and what we had together yesterday was perhaps the most beautiful feeling I've ever experienced. And then I come along and ruin everything because I was too afraid to face the truth. I was so afraid of being gay that I destroyed what might have been the greatest happiness of my life. I know you probably don't want to hear it, but please Julian, please give me another chance. I realized that I can't deny myself for the rest of my life, and I realized that I never wanted anything as much as I wanted to be with you. I hope you can forgive me!”
The more Alex said, the harder it was for Julian to maintain his expressionless facial expression. He didn't want to make it easy for Alex, but at the same time, after this morning, he couldn't imagine anything better than this moment. Julian had already resigned himself to the fact that he would never see Alex again, and now the boy he had been infatuated with since their school days was standing at his door, wanting to fight for his love.
Julian was speechless, and so there was silence when Alex had finished.
“Please, Julian, say something,” pleaded Alex, who had misinterpreted Julian's silence. “I understand if you never want to see me again, but you have to know that I regret the way I treated you.“
”Alex... Actually, I had firmly resolved not to forgive you so quickly, simply because it really hurt me a lot... But what you just said was secretly what I had wanted most since this morning. I...” Julian couldn't say any more, because he broke down into tears of happiness. Alex, on the other hand, had realized what Julian had just told him and therefore felt an incredible sense of happiness within himself.
"Thank you, Julian! I was so stupid, but I'm ready to make up for my mistakes.”
With these words, Julian came up to Alex and embraced him. Alex put his hands around Julian's head and looked him deep in the eyes. Then they kissed cautiously, and in that moment, both sensed that they would have a wonderful future together.
Julian carefully released the embrace, took a step back and smiled happily at Alex.
“Come in,” he said with a mischievous grin on his lips.
Alex sighed with relief and happiness, then he entered Julian's apartment for a second time. This time the story would have a different ending, he was sure of it. Then the door closed behind them.