07-10-2025, 01:10 PM
David
1
David had been gone for a long time. I was still sitting on the bench. I could still smell him on me. I didn't want to let go of him. Eventually, I pulled myself together. For the first time, I was content with myself and the world and came home. The prospect of possibly finding a friend again, which seemed impossible to me after Tim's death, made me see the future a little rosier. I couldn't wait to tell Oliver and Rasmus about David. I also wanted to ask Petra if David could stay for dinner the next day. I arrived home full of positive energy. However, there was a lot of tension in the air. As I came in, I heard Johannes' loud and agitated voice:
“You must have lost your mind! You've lost the last shred of your sanity! I won't go over it again with you! I hope this was a lesson for you!"
It was Rasmus who was being put down by Johannes. He stood there looking very dazed and listened to Johannes' tirade. Oliver explained to me what had happened.
Rasmus had been caught smoking hash at school. Johannes had pleaded with the headmaster in order to avoid expulsion. While he had stood behind Rasmus at school, Johannes was now giving him such a roasting that it was enough to scare you. Even Oliver was finally cowed. I had never seen Johannes like this, not even when Oliver had beaten up a classmate who had called him “Knasti” at the beginning.
Finally, he sent Rasmus to his room. Oliver followed him. When the two had left the room, Johannes exhaled noticeably.
“Was that really necessary?“ I asked him. I thought his reaction was a bit over the top. After all, Rasmus hadn't taken heroin or any other hard drugs. I had also smoked a joint or two in my earlier life.
”Yes, Rafael, it was necessary,” he replied, ”even though it hurt me at least as much as it hurt Rasmus. It's not about this one joint. That's not a big deal. But he had to get the stuff from somewhere. And whoever's selling the hash is also selling other things. And Rasmus, all of you aren't yet stable enough to be able to resist the temptation in every possible situation. And our still young family wouldn't be able to withstand a junkie. That's why I had to react so harshly, even though it wasn't easy for me.
Now go comfort Rasmus and cheer him up a bit. I'm counting on you,“ he added, winking at me.
I followed them to their room. Oliver was standing somewhat helplessly at his desk. Rasmus was sitting on his bed, howling with rage.
”I'm leaving,” he snarled at me. ”Nobody wants me here anyway.”
“Yes, I want you,“ I replied and sat down on the bed with him.
”Me too,“ murmured Oliver.
”But Johannes doesn't. He hates me.“
”That's not true. Believe me, he really loves you more than you know.“
”Then why does he treat me like that? I haven't done anything bad, have I?”
“Because he's afraid for you. He's afraid that you'll slip away from him and fall back into your old life or worse.“
”But I just wanted to try it out...“
”Some things you just don't try out.” Rasmus, you've experienced for yourself how dangerous certain things can be and how quickly you can get yourself into something.”
“What should I do now?“ Rasmus asked tearfully.
”First of all, you calm down and then you apologize to Johannes.“
”But I'm afraid he'll yell at me again, and anyway...“
”Don't worry. He won't do that,” I interrupted him. ”I'll go with you, too.”
I held Rasmus until he had calmed down. Then we went to Johannes.
“Sorry,” Rasmus mumbled, giving Johannes such a sad puppy dog look that I, at least, would have forgiven him for something much worse. And of course Johannes couldn't resist him either. He held him very tightly in his arms.
“Don't you ever do that again,“ he whispered in his ear. Rasmus shook his head violently.
”Sweetheart, I'm so worried about you,” he added.
Rasmus started to cry again, and so did I. We were both thinking the same thing. We had only known the feeling of someone worrying about us for half a year. It still wasn't something we took for granted.
Because of the story with Rasmus, my experience took a back seat for the time being. Besides, Petra wasn't there yet, so I postponed the whole thing until dinner. The evening meal was sacred to us. While breakfast and lunch were taken whenever it suited, we always sat down at the table for dinner. That was also the time when all the important events of the day were discussed.
Rasmus was naturally afraid that his faux pas would be mentioned again, but I had a good diversionary maneuver.
“Petra, I'm getting a visitor tomorrow afternoon. Can I ask him if he wants to stay for dinner?” I started.
“So, who's coming?”
"Oh, just David, a classmate.”
“Classmate or friend?“ Johannes asked, grinning.
”Friend or friend?“ Oliver shouted, which earned him a kick from Rasmus.
”Ouch, you're allowed to ask,“ he complained.
”I don't know either,” I replied, blushing bright red.
“But you would like to be more than just a classmate,“ Petra concluded. ‘Of course he can stay for dinner if he wants.’
Fortunately, Johannes spared me further discussion by saying,
”That's enough, leave poor Rafael alone, otherwise we'll have to discuss other incidents from this day."
Rasmus immediately stopped all teasing.
When we had cleared the table and I wanted to go to my room, Petra gave me a quick hug and whispered in my ear:
“I wish you lots of luck, my big boy. I'm so glad you're getting your mind off things.”
“Thanks, I can use it.”
I had barely entered my room when Oliver and Rasmus stormed in.
“Come on, tell us,“ Rasmus started right away.
”Don't be so nosy. I didn't ask about your Bettina either.“
”But you could have.“ The boy was quick-witted.
So I told them what had happened at noon.
”You really told him everything? Even what we did in jail?”
“I had to, otherwise the whole story wouldn't have made sense.“
”I don't think that's so great,“ grumbled Oliver. ‘Now every time he looks at me, I have to think about the intimate things he knows about me.’
”I don't think it's so great either, but Rafael is right, without the intimate details you can't understand the story at all,” said Rasmus.
“Is he gay?“ Oliver asked.
”I don't know, we didn't talk about that.“
”If he hugged you so hard after the story, he must be gay,“ Rasmus concluded.
”We'll find out,” Oliver said.
“You won't do anything. This is none of your business. And you will both promise me now that there will be no ambiguous comments or questions tomorrow. Is that clear?“
”If it absolutely has to be. But we're good at matchmaking. But if you absolutely want to do without our services...”
“Stupid,” I laughed and threw a pillow at his head. That was the signal for the two of them to pounce on me. I could easily have dealt with one of them, but with two it was much more difficult, and before I knew it, I was on the floor and the two of them were sitting on me so that I could hardly move.
“You win,” Oliver shouted. ‘Do you surrender?’ And to emphasize his demand, he began to tickle me.
“Yes, I surrender,“ I managed to gurgle. Oliver stopped tickling and smiled at me. I think we all had the same thought at the same time. Oliver gave me a kiss and then stood up. Rasmus let me go too.
”We haven't been this close to each other in a long time,” he said.
“I'm so glad that I have at least you two,” I replied. I took them both in my arms and we cuddled for a while before they went to their room.
I went to bed, but I was much too excited to sleep. I hoped so much that I would have a little luck this time. Some power steers everything in the right direction, Johannes had said back then. I hoped so much that he was right. I was simply hopelessly in love.
2
I had never gone to school with such happy anticipation. I met David just outside the school. He looked great with his medium-length black hair. I wondered how I had been able to ignore it for the last six months.
“Will it work this afternoon?” I immediately asked him.
"Sure, that's what we agreed on.”
“Can you maybe stay for dinner, too?“
”I'll have to check with my folks first, but I'll probably be okay.“
Of course school didn't end that day. I was going crazy. When the final bell finally rang, I sighed with relief.
”See you later,” I said to David in the park.
Fortunately, he arrived on time that afternoon. When the doorbell rang, I rushed to the door. As I looked into his green eyes, I wanted to hug him right away. But before I could make any move, he held out his hand. A little disappointed, I shook his hand. I would have liked to have smelled something on him. Well, maybe I should take it a little slower.
“Wow, you have a great room,” David marveled when we got there.
I liked my room too. It was quite large. After all, it should have been enough for two. The decor was bright and friendly, even if it wasn't designer furniture. Johannes and Petra didn't have that much money after all. They did get money from the youth welfare office for us, but we cost them quite a bit. At least they had bought us all new furniture. And since it should have been enough for Tim, I had everything twice.
David was exactly on my wavelength. We had a great conversation, of course, about school at first. First, we went over all the teachers, then we got to our classmates. David had practically no contact with them.
“They're all just too stupid for me,” he said.
I found that a bit harsh. I hadn't wanted to fool around with them either, but I didn't dislike them that much.
At some point we came back to me:
“And you really lived on the streets and worked as a prostitute?” he asked, looking at me almost admiringly.
“Yes, I told you.“ I was almost a bit embarrassed now.
”But why, you had a home, didn't you?“
”I wouldn't call it home now. It was hell for me."
David nodded thoughtfully.
“In comparison, life on the street seemed like heaven to me. No one to tell you what to do, no one to put pressure on you, no one to beat you up. It was pure freedom. Maybe there was also a bit of a sense of adventure. It was so nice to feel like an outlaw. But it was only when I met Tim that I realized that it wasn't all that great after all. And since I've been living here with Johannes and Petra, I've been quite sure that I had swapped one hell for another.“
”But if that hadn't happened, you would probably still prefer the street to life with your parents?“
”Absolutely.“
”Actually, you've been pretty lucky,” David said, smiling a little tensely.
“If you look at it that way, maybe,” I said.
The afternoon flew by. However, David visibly kept his distance from me. While I was keen to touch him, he tried to prevent it. I thought that was a shame, but maybe I was too quick. I should just be more patient.
Dinner went without a hitch. Oliver and Rasmus kept their distance as promised. Johannes and Petra were friendly.
As soon as David was gone, Oliver and Rasmus came to my room.
“So?” Rasmus asked.
“Nothing, we had a good chat.”
“Haven't you shagged yet?”
"Oliver, you're a dirty old fool.”
“But it was different with Tim.“
”That was a completely different situation."
Well, I would have liked it to be a little different too. But that could still happen. I just couldn't be too impatient.
In any case, I now spent every free minute with David. We either met at my place or went into town, to the movies or shopping. Unfortunately, we couldn't go to his place. His little sister would be such a bitch about it, I wouldn't enjoy it. His sister was two years younger than him and went to our school, two years below us. I had never seen her and David made no effort to introduce me to her. Their relationship must not have been that great. From his description, she must have been a real creep. I would have liked to have met her. But I didn't push him either. I wasn't interested in his sister, after all. But I was all the more interested in her brother. I almost went crazy in his presence. I would have liked to have scurried through his long hair, I would have loved to have nibbled on his sweet earlobe, I would have loved to have absorbed his scent, not to mention other things.
But unfortunately he still avoided any kind of physical contact, let alone making any move to touch me. He wouldn't even allow a simple hug when saying hello or goodbye. I didn't know how much longer I could keep this up.
“You just have to be more responsive,“ advised Oliver. Great. I didn't feel like risking everything right away. But it couldn't go on like this for much longer. I would have to think of something.
3
”Hi Rafael.” It was Martin, a classmate who approached me during a break. I had talked to him a few times before. He was actually a very affable guy.
“Hi,“ I replied.
”Well, you're hanging out with David all the time now.“
”Is it that obvious?”
“Well, for the first six months you practically didn't talk to anyone, and now you're almost inseparable. It's none of my business, but if I can give you some good advice, be careful with him. There's a reason why he doesn't have any friends here. We've all had our experiences.”
What was that supposed to mean? Had Martin gone completely mad? Why did he want to put me off being friends with David? David was probably right after all, that the rest of the class were all assholes.
Before I could say anything, Martin left me standing there. I wanted to go after him, but the break bell forced me back into class.
I couldn't figure out why Martin had spoken to me. Was it resentment, jealousy, but of what? Or was there a grain of truth in it? Shit, he's got a screw loose. I wanted to talk to David about it carefully that afternoon. But today of all days, he had to give his bitchy sister math tutoring. His parents had insisted on it. I was beginning to hate his sister.
At least I had time to think. I decided it couldn't go on like this. Tomorrow I would be more direct, at the risk of him rejecting me. I had wet dreams about him at night. Well, admittedly, I often helped nature along. But I didn't want to just dream about him anymore, I wanted to hold him in real life.
The next day everything was back to normal. We hung out in my room and talked about everything. At some point David brought up my time as a hustler again. I didn't know why he was so interested in this topic. It was slowly getting on my nerves. But this time I was fine with it.
“Do you remember when I first told you about it?” I started.
"Hm.”
“After that, you held me in your arms and comforted me. I thought that was great. I never wanted to let you go again. I enjoyed it tremendously. I wished you would do that to me again...“
”But I'm not gay. I think it's all perverse and disgusting,” David interrupted me harshly.
That was worse than ten slaps in the face. No one had ever cut me down like that before. I couldn't help it, I started to cry. I didn't want him to think I was a crybaby, but it hurt so much.
David was also shocked, probably also by his own reaction. He suddenly looked at me very kindly, almost like he did in the park.
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry. I really like you, Rafael. But I'm just not gay. I just can't do it.” He said that now with a very soft, loving voice.
But even though it was now formulated much more kindly, the result remained the same. David couldn't and didn't want to be my boyfriend.
“But I've fallen terribly in love with you. I can't think of anything else, day or night.“
”Rafael, before I met you, I wouldn't even talk to a gay guy, I found it so perverse, abnormal and disgusting. But when I met you, I found you sympathetic, empathetic and lovable. That's why I approached you. When you told me that you were gay, I thought that you would still be the same person. But I still find tenderness and sex between boys disgusting. Rafael, I like you a lot and would like to keep you as a friend, but just as a friend.”
I had no idea how this would work. But I didn't have the courage to break off contact completely either. Maybe I secretly still had hope that...
“I'll pine away next to you, but I also want to keep you as a friend,” I replied through my tears.
“Thanks,” and then he added, more to himself: “Since I have such a hard time finding friends.”
I sat somewhat depressed at dinner. Oliver also looked unhappy. His girlfriend had broken up with him. However, this was already his second and the heartbreak didn't last very long with him. Rasmus used to say that the girls were lining up for him and almost tearing each other's eyes out over who would be allowed to comfort him.
But with me it was over before it even began. And unfortunately no one was lining up to comfort me. Well, Rasmus and Oliver and Johannes and Petra tried to comfort me. But all they could do was hold me and say that I would surely find my great love. But that didn't help much. I had already found my great love. The problem was that my great love didn't want me. I spent another sleepless night. In my thoughts, I broke off contact with David at least a hundred times, but a hundred times I thought of strategies to get him after all.
4
David was strangely reserved the next morning. During the first break, he told me that he felt sick and that he was going home. He said that he had to tutor his sister again that afternoon, so we wouldn't be able to see each other. Somehow, that was fine with me. I had to deal with myself first.
That afternoon I went to Tim's grave. I had only been there once before, when Johannes had a small stone put up. I didn't associate any memories of Tim with the place. The body that was being eaten by worms down there had nothing more to do with Tim for me. That had been clear to me since the kiss in the morgue. The memory of him was connected to our cell. But of course I couldn't go there.
Somebody had laid a white rose on his grave, strange. The stone was already overgrown with moss.
Tim Breker
*27.2.1981
+15.10.1997
That was all that was written on the stone. Although nothing reminded me of Tim here, there was a strange solemn atmosphere over the place, as there is in a cemetery.
“Dear God, Johannes always says that you are steering everything in the right direction. You gave me a new family, too. I'm grateful for that. Can't you give me a friend, too? You took Tim away from me, which I still can't understand to this day, and now you probably don't want me to have David either. Have I done something so bad that you're taking away all my friends? Please give me some happiness.”
I murmured to myself. I didn't believe that anyone would hear me, but I felt a little relieved. I even got a bit of a positive attitude. Even if I couldn't have David as a lover, I wanted to keep him as a friend at least. After all, he had accepted me as I was, considering what a gay-hater he must have been before. And I still had a tiny glimmer of hope that he would change his mind. After all, this was all completely new to him. I thought back to that afternoon in the park. I had been quite sure at the time that there was more to his embrace than mere consolation. But here, wishful thinking had probably done more than its father.
The next day David was back to normal. We spent the afternoon together as if nothing had happened. But at some point he came back to my time at the station. It was slowly getting on my nerves.
“What's with all the questions and prying about my life as a hustler?” I asked him annoyed. “You're not gay. Why do you want to know so much?”
“Maybe I want to understand you better,” he replied, equally annoyed.
Was that what was standing between us? He certainly found it disgusting that I had sold myself to men. But I didn't dare to ask for fear of the answer.
In any case, the good mood was gone and David disappeared pretty soon.
The next few weeks were a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes it was like it used to be, then, without warning, there was a change in mood and he was suddenly extremely cold to me. But one thing didn't change: in his presence, I still had a tingling sensation, an almost irresistible urge to hold him. If I had hoped that this would fade over time, I was mistaken.
However, our meetings outside of school became less and less. Sometimes he had to help his sister with her homework, sometimes he just didn't feel like it. But what worried me more was that he disappeared more and more often during school hours. At first he apologized with nausea or headaches, but later he just disappeared without saying anything. The next math test was a complete failure, even though math was actually his specialty. When he also failed the English test two weeks later, I was seriously worried. I wondered again whether it was because of me. Maybe he couldn't handle having a gay friend. If that was the case, we would just have to end the friendship. Even if I didn't want to imagine it, I didn't want to be the cause of him getting into trouble at school. Then I would just have to suffer and hopefully it would have passed at some point. I almost threw up at the thought.
Nevertheless, when David wanted to sneak out of school again the following Monday, I grabbed him by the arm and tried to pull him into a corner.
"I really need to talk to you.”
“Let go of me, you fagot,” he shouted at me. ‘You're just disgusting.’
I let go of him, frozen with shock. No one else had heard, but no one had ever insulted me so badly. Without saying another word, David turned around and ran away.
That was the last straw. I didn't have to take that. I had done everything I could. I hated him. I never wanted to see him again.
On Tuesday, David didn't even show up at school. 'Hopefully he ran in front of a car,' I thought.
He didn't show up on Wednesday either. 'I hope he stays lost.'
On Thursday, he was still missing. 'He'll see what happens to him.'
On Friday, he was still missing. 'If I were him, I'd slowly start turning up again.'
He didn't turn up the next Monday either. 'I'll have to ask Martin if he always does this.'
'Hey, Martin, can I ask you a question?'
“Yes, of course. Is it about David?“
”Exactly. How did you know?”
“Well, you can see that. You're experiencing what we all experienced with him. At first he's really friendly and you think he's the nicest guy there is. And then, at some point, he suddenly has blackouts, yells at you or even wants to beat you up. All out of the blue. That's how it was with you, wasn't it?”
“Yes, exactly.“ So it probably had nothing to do with me being gay. After all, it was unlikely that the whole class was gay. Somehow that calmed me down a little.
”Did he always skip school?“ I asked.
”No, this is the first time he's done it.”
Immediately I felt a sense of guilt again. Damn, I hadn't done anything to him. Why did I feel guilty again?
When David still hadn't shown up on Tuesday, I decided to do something. I wanted to go and see him at home and find out once and for all what was actually going on. Damn, I didn't even have his address, let alone his phone number. I realized that David had always avoided talking about his home or his parents. The only one he occasionally mentioned was his sister, who seemed to get on his nerves. I could actually ask her about David. But I didn't know her either and I didn't even know exactly which class she was in. Finally, I had a bright idea. I could just ask for his address at the office. During the big break, I went there.
“Good morning, Ms. Weber. I'm Rafael Schumann. I'm in class 10b. I'm here about David Jendralsky. He's been absent for a week and I'd like to visit him at home, but I don't have his address. Could you possibly give it to me?”
“Being absent is good, skipping is bad. I just wrote a letter to his parents,” replied Ms. Weber. ‘Unfortunately, I can't give you his address. We're not allowed to give out any student information here.’
I must have looked completely disappointed. Anyway, she continued:
“But I can give you a tip. The parents' representatives usually make class lists with the names, addresses and phone numbers of all the students. Why don't you ask your parents? They probably have a list like that."
That was true; I had received it at the beginning and given it to Petra. But there might be another possibility.
“Ms. Weber, David also has a sister here. I think she must be in 8a or 8b. Maybe you can tell me which class she is in.“
”David doesn't have a sister, at least not at our school."
I must have misheard that. That couldn't be right. Completely stunned, I looked at her. That's probably why she added:
“Definitely not, I had looked for his file to write the letter to his parents."
5
What was that now? Was I on ‘Hidden Camera’? I looked around, but nothing happened. Damn it, why is this asshole lying to me like this? What was love a moment ago has now finally turned into hatred. I had never been so betrayed, so deceived. What did this shit think? Now I was finally done with him. But I wanted to throw that at least still personally in his face.
So I asked Petra for the class list as soon as I got home. It really existed and it did indeed contain all the addresses and phone numbers. All except one. There was nothing for David Jendralsky, no address, no phone number. Damn! Now there was only one option left. I grabbed the phone book. Fortunately, David's name wasn't Meier. At least there were five Jendralskys. Three of them had an address. I got the city map. It couldn't be too far from me. At least you had to be able to reach it on foot. Two Jendralskys were immediately ruled out. She lived at the other end of town. That left one and the two without an address. Of course, there was also the possibility that David's parents were not listed in the phone book at all. I thought about it for a moment. I didn't want to call, but to talk to him in person. But two Jendralskys didn't have an address. Before I set out in vain, I wanted to clarify the two. So I dialed the first number.
“Jendralsky,“ a woman's voice answered.
”Hello, I'd like to speak to David,“ I began.
”We don't have a David here. They must have dialed the wrong number.“
”Please excuse the disturbance.”
There were still two left. Unfortunately, no one answered the phone at the next number. All right, then I would visit the third address first: Humboldtring 84. Armed with the map, I set off. It took me a quarter of an hour. Then I stood in front of a huge apartment building. There were at least 100 names on the front door. It took me at least 10 minutes to find Jendralsky. Fortunately, it said “5th floor, on the right”. I was about to ring the bell when I realized: he probably wouldn't let me in, and then I would be standing here and all would have been in vain. I had to somehow get into the building and ring the bell at the apartment door directly. Then he could no longer escape me.
Fortunately, a couple left the house a short time later. I took the opportunity to slip into the house. I took the elevator to the fifth floor. The apartments were all located on a gallery that opened to the outside. After some searching, I finally found the right apartment. I took a deep breath and pressed the bell button.
A two-tone gong sounded. At first nothing happened. Then I heard a crash, like a chair falling over. Next, I heard the sound of footsteps approaching the door. Finally, the door opened.
I saw a woman, not particularly tall. She was wearing a housewife's smock. If she had been beautiful, she was no longer, at least not now. Her face looked haggard. Her hair was unkempt and stood out in all directions from her head. Her eyes were glassy. She somehow looked right through me.
“What do you want?“ she slurred.
No doubt about it, the woman was drunk as a skunk. I must have come to the wrong address. Just to say something, I replied,
”I'd like to speak to David."
Instead of answering, she burst out laughing hysterically. I was completely horrified.
“What's the matter? Who is it?“ I heard a deep voice from the apartment. A short time later, a giant of a man in stained trousers and a ribbed undershirt appeared.
The woman stopped laughing.
”Someone wants to speak to David,” the woman whispered.
“David doesn't live here anymore,” the man began, almost whispering. ‘You can look for him at the train station, where he belongs.’ His tone increased. ‘That cocksucker, that backstabber. And if that bastard should dare to show his face here again, I'll carry him back to the train station myself, after breaking every single bone in his body.’ The man was almost screaming now. Then he looked at me penetratingly and began again in a threatening voice:
“And you? Are you also part of this troop?” His face took on a disgusted expression.
I had only one thought: just get out of here. I turned around and ran, ran down the 5 floors, just out of the house. I didn't even stop outside. I ran without looking left or right, and kept running for about 15 minutes before I finally stopped, completely exhausted. Coincidentally, it was exactly the park where I had sat on the bench with David. My lungs hurt when I inhaled, I was so out of breath. I sat down.
It was as if the scales had fallen from my eyes. Suddenly everything was clear. It all fell into place like a jigsaw puzzle: the invented sister, the mood swings, the constant questions about my time as a hustler – I had told him about the initial feeling of freedom, but he probably didn't want to hear the rest – his truancy and ultimately his disappearance.
I burst into tears and cried and cried. And as if fate wanted to mock me even more, I sat exactly on the bench where everything had started not too long ago. Only this time there was no one there to hold me and comfort me. And just today I was sure that it was more than just comforting. But this realization only made me cry even more.
6
At some point, I made my way home. At home, I ran right into Johannes. When he saw me, he immediately pulled me into his study.
“Hey, big guy, what's wrong?”
“I'm just bad luck for everyone. Anyone who gets involved with me can make their will,” I said through my tears.
“What's the matter now?“ he asked, shocked. ‘Now tell me everything in order.’
I told him what had happened in the last week, up to my visit to David's parents.
”I only want the best. But everything I touch turns to evil,” I ended.
Johannes took me in his arms.
“You overestimate your infernal power, my boy. What happened to Tim was an unfortunate chain of circumstances in which you had no part at all. And now, the story with David, that would have happened sooner or later anyway. Maybe you accelerated it by a few weeks, but you couldn't have prevented it. If you had known beforehand how much emotional stress David was under, if he had said anything, you might have been able to arrange something.
“I just misread all the signs,” I whined.
"Now stop blaming yourself. You couldn't have known. In retrospect, it always seems as if you could have known. But that's not the case.”
“Yes, I should have recognized it. I experienced it all myself,“ I whispered.
”Cheer up, maybe we can still help your David. I'll contact the youth welfare office and see what can be done,“ Johannes promised.
”Is it any use if I forbid you to look for David?” he then asked.
“Please don't do that, I don't want to have to lie to you,“ I replied.
”You know why I have concerns?“
”Don't worry. I've found something here that I've never had in my whole life: a real home. I'm not going to risk that."
Johannes hugged me and whispered in my ear, ”I hope you're strong enough.”
I just nodded my head slightly.
The next day, after I had finished my homework, I went to the train station. I arrived around 5 o'clock. That was just the right time. Before that, there were usually no boys there. It was a strange feeling going back there after more than a year. The number of addicts seemed to have decreased a bit. Otherwise, not much had changed. The area where the prostitutes stood was still as unsightly as before. Some guys were already there. David was not there. I didn't know any of the others either. Maybe he came later, maybe he wouldn't come at all. I used to take time off more often when I had enough money. So I stood in a corner as inconspicuously as possible and watched what was happening. Automatically, I began to see the scene through the eyes of a hustler. The people were divided into colleagues/competitors, potential clients and cops. Everyone else fell through the cracks and was practically unregistered. All the boys at the station did it this way. Of course, the other boys here too. It wasn't long before one of the other boys, about three years older than me, came over to me.
“Hi“
”Hi,“ I replied.
”You're new here.“ That was a rhetorical question for him. That's why he didn't wait for an answer, but continued directly:
”Do you know the rules?"
The rules were: no price dumping and no hitting on punters that another guy was already on. I still knew everything exactly.
“Hey, I'm just waiting here,“ I replied. The boy just looked at me uncomprehendingly.
”I'm looking for someone,“ I explained to him. It seemed to sink in.
”Well, I'd do it for less with you too.” I had now fallen into the category of a client for him, even though I was still so young myself.
“No, thanks, I'm looking for a specific one,“ I tried to explain further.
”Why, I'll do you better,“ the boy persisted. I almost had to laugh now.
”I don't want sex, I'm looking for a buddy.” Now he finally understood.
“Oh, I see. Do you maybe have 5 marks for me?“ That was the usual tactic when a client didn't want you to get at least something out of it. It had probably become so ingrained in him that this question came automatically.
”Hey, you have more money than me,“ I replied.
”How do you figure that?“
”I was in the business myself once.”
“And why aren't you anymore?“
”I've got something better.“
”Do you live with a guy?” That was always a comfortable situation for a hustler. To have a client with whom you could live. Then you had already solved the biggest problem, namely accommodation and meals, and at most you needed to earn a little extra from time to time.
“Nah, I've got a foster family.“ Of course, that didn't impress the boy.
”Pffff,“ he made contemptuously and was about to leave.
”Wait a minute.“ The boy turned around again. ‘Do you know a David, long black hair, green eyes?’
”What do you want with him?” the other asked suspiciously.
“He's a buddy of mine. I heard he's working here.“
”Oh, I see. He was here yesterday. Haven't seen him today. Maybe he'll come. What's his name, anyway?“
”Rafael. And you?“
”Tim.“ Oh, no!
”I'm going to move on,” Tim ended and left me standing there.
At least I now knew that David was really here. I just had to wait for him to show up. I was already thinking about how I wanted to approach him. Hopefully he wouldn't run away again. I would suggest to him that we could look for a solution together with Johannes. There was no way he could go back home. I was so lost in thought that I didn't pay attention to my surroundings. So I was really shocked when a man spoke to me.
“Are you new here? What do you do?” Of course, he meant what sexual practices I offered.
“I'm just waiting here,” I said firmly. No thanks, that was really over now, it really didn't have to be. The guy mumbled something about “waiting somewhere else” and left.
From then on, I was more attentive and changed my place as soon as I noticed that a guy was staring at me or looking for eye contact. I waited another two hours, then I had no more hope that Tim would come and went home.
7
Johannes caught me right at the entrance and pulled me into the study.
“And,” he asked.
“I didn't find him, but I found out that he was already there. I'll keep looking for him.“
”And what are you going to do when you find him?“
”I want to tell him that the path he has chosen is a dead end. And I will tell him that there is another way without him having to go back to his parents.”
Johannes nodded: “I haven't reached anyone at the youth welfare office yet, but there are certainly possibilities. But now it's time for dinner. We waited especially for you.”
Only Johannes and Petra knew about this latest development. We hadn't told Oliver and Rasmus anything. Nevertheless, the two of them realized that something was wrong and came to me later.
“What's going on now? You're totally out of it,“ Oliver started.
”Oh, I'm still sad about David.“
”Forget that jerk. If he doesn't want you, it's his own fault,” Oliver advised.
“There's something else. That David doesn't want you isn't everything,” said Rasmus. The boy had an almost uncanny sensitivity. He sensed immediately when something was wrong.
“Come on, Rafael, you've always told us everything before. Don't you trust us anymore?“ He looked at me so sadly that I couldn't do anything else. I told them what had happened. They were shocked too, of course.
”That's terrible. What are you going to do?”
“I'll go to the station every day until I find him. And then I'll have to try to convince him to look for another solution.“
”We'll come with you and help you look,” Oliver offered. ”And if you can't, we can look on our own.”
“Absolutely not. Johannes didn't want me to look for him. If I take you to the station, he'll kill me,“ I defended myself. Johannes couldn't even know that the two of them had this idea at all.
”All right,” the two of them submitted, somewhat sadly, ‘but if we can help you in any way, you'll say so.’ I promised.
The next afternoon I went to the train station again. I waited for almost three hours, but David didn't show up.
On Friday I didn't have to do any homework. I postponed that until Saturday morning. So I was already at the station at three o'clock. Maybe I had always been too late to meet him. Despite the early hour, two boys were already there. I already knew one of them and asked him about David. But he hadn't seen him for a long time. So I waited some more. I was approached by more and more men, but I always said that I was just waiting here. Of course, that became less and less credible. Some guys who had approached me the day before tried again. Maybe they still hoped to be successful. My answer was a bit stupid, of course. No boy waits day after day at a certain place, and certainly not at the train station. But I didn't want to tell the real reason. That was none of their business. So I kept waiting and watching the scene. At some point I saw him. I had to look twice. But there was no doubt about it. It was him. He was the only one I was afraid of meeting. If I had met the guy who had raped me, or the sadist who had beaten me up and then thrown me out of the car without paying, I wouldn't have cared. I would have spat in their faces. But him! I really hoped he wouldn't come here anymore. I briefly considered running away, but I was paralyzed. My past had caught up with me.
8
Gerhard had been one of my regular lovers. He came almost every week, even when he didn't have time to take me with him. He always brought me something, sometimes without asking for something in return. He often took me out to dinner. And he also helped me as much as he could when I had problems. He was the only one I had emotional contact with during that time. He was almost a father-substitute for me. However, he also wanted to go to bed with me. And that didn't quite fit. Nevertheless, if he had asked me at the time if I would stay with him, I probably would have done. I couldn't imagine that I would find a real family again. But Gerhard never asked me either, because he was married and of course didn't want to give that up. My feelings swung between gratitude and hatred. I really didn't know how I should behave towards him.
Of course, he had spotted me immediately and came over to me beaming with joy.
“Hi, Rafael, I didn't think I'd see you again,” he began.
“Me neither,” I thought, smiling painfully.
“I've been looking for you for months. Where were you?“
”I messed up. I was in jail.“
”What did you do?“ he asked.
”I stole something from a client.“ Gerhard looked at me reproachfully.
”Was it worth it?”
Yes, I thought to myself, it was. “No, probably not,” I replied.
“But now you're back,” Gerhard said.
“I'm not...” I started, but Gerhard wouldn't let me finish.
“I missed you a lot. But after you disappeared, I looked for someone new. But I couldn't find anyone who was like you. A few weeks ago, I found someone who reminded me a lot of you. But unfortunately, it seems that he has also disappeared again.”
I hardly listened to him because I knew what was coming. I feverishly thought about what to do. It didn't take long before he asked:
“Would you like to come with me?”
Shit, shit, shit, I just thought.
I didn't answer him, but almost as if under duress, I nodded.
He took me, as before, to this hourly hotel. The same sleazy owner was still sitting in the entrance, where you paid 25 marks for the room. The stairs were still as dark as ever, with the worn carpeting, and the room was still as shabby. The furnishings consisted of a bed, a table with a chair and a sink. Otherwise, you didn't need anything. The furnishings were perfectly adequate for what I was doing there.
I functioned, yes, that was probably how you could put it, I functioned, no more and no less. Afterwards, though, I felt like shit. Gerhard sensed that something was wrong.
“What's the matter?” he asked.
“I'm not on the game anymore.”
“What?” He looked at me blankly.
I told him what had happened, that I had found a family through prison and was actually happy there now. Gerhard turned pale.
“Why didn't you tell me that? And why did you come with me at all?”
If only I knew myself. I just shrugged my shoulders.
“And anyway, if you're not on the game anymore, why are you hanging around here at the station?“
”I'm looking for someone here,” I replied. Gerhard looked at me questioningly.
I told him the broad outlines of David's story: that I had fallen in love with him, but that he was not gay, that he had difficult family circumstances and that he had probably ended up here.
Gerhard grew paler and paler as I told him my story.
“David is the boy I told you about earlier,” he whispered almost.
I didn't think I was hearing right. David, the new hustler of my former client? I, who loved him, wasn't even allowed to hug him and Gerhard was allowed to fuck him for 100 bucks. I felt the anger rising in me.
“You pig!“ I shouted at him. ‘Why are you doing this to him? He's not even gay.’ Gerhard flinched.
”Now give me a break. I didn't force him to do anything, you know that very well. He was here on the stroll and I wasn't even his first client.”
He was right. I couldn't say whether this was a comedy or a tragedy. David and I had never even kissed, let alone had sex with each other, but we let ourselves be fucked by one and the same client.
“But still,“ I began.
”And as far as being gay is concerned, he's at least as gay as you are, believe me,“ he concluded.
”But he...“ I started again.
”If I may remind you of what you always told me: that you always think of a horny chick when you do it, otherwise you couldn't do it at all. Have you already forgotten that?”
I blushed. He was right. I had already made my coming out as painful as possible. But why was David doing exactly the same shit now? He knew what had happened to me. I couldn't understand that at all. However, a solution was slowly forming in my mind. If he really was gay, he just needed someone to help him with his coming out. And that should be feasible. Gerhard probably realized that I was thinking.
“If I may give you some advice. If you want to help your friend, you have to hurry. He has started snorting cocaine. And the last time he told me that a client had offered to move in with him. The client would then supply him with cocaine. And since he hasn't shown up since, I'm afraid he accepted the offer.”
Oh no. As if one thing wasn't enough already. But that didn't change the solution I had come up with.
“I have to go then,” I said. I didn't want any money from Gerhard. Nevertheless, he put a 100 in my pocket.
“You never know when you might need it,” he said. I couldn't imagine what for, but I kept the money anyway. I would put it in my desk. Whatever I bought with it, it would always remind me of this hour in this sleazy dive. That's why the money could go moldy in my desk for all I cared.
“Take care,“ Gerhard said goodbye, this time probably goodbye forever.
”Take care."
This chapter of my life was probably finally closed after this relapse.
At least I now knew exactly what I wanted to do.
9
As soon as I got home, I rushed to Johannes in his study.
“Hello, what's going on? You've got a lot of energy,“ he said.
”I have a lead on David. I think I can find him within a week.“
”Well, get started then,” he urged me.
I told him what I had learned. But I kept quiet about the 100-mark bill, which was crackling in my pocket, and how I had come to have it.
“And how do you think you should proceed?” he asked.
“Well, first of all I have to find him, and then I have to help him to accept himself and then...“ I hesitated and looked at Johannes with my favorite dachshund eyes.
”Look, Tim was supposed to live with us too, and there's still a bed available in my room. I thought David could maybe come to us."
Johannes looked at me sadly and then shook his head.
“I'm sorry, but that's not possible.“ A world collapsed inside of me.
”Please,“ I begged him, ‘why can't it be possible?’
”Well, for starters, I don't know if he's ready to accept himself like that.”
“Let me worry about that, I can do it,“ I interrupted him.
”Then I don't know if he fits into our family,“ he continued.
”We'll manage. We'll bend him so that he fits. Rasmus and Oliver will certainly help me with that. If he only has a family again, everything will be fine.”
“And the third and worst thing for me is that he is a drug addict. You saw for yourself not too long ago that we still have to be careful about that. I don't want to take in an addict and risk our whole family because of him. David needs one hundred percent care now, if he wants it at all.“
”But he would have that with us.”
“But then our family will go to the dogs. The risk is too great for me.“
”You wanted to take in four guys from jail. You didn't think the risk was too great then,” I desperately interjected.
“I had several months to observe you. I was able to assess that. Besides, none of you were drug addicts. The only small risk - and I never wanted to tell you this - that I saw was, strangely enough, the relationship between you and Tim. I wouldn't have known what we should have done if you had reoriented yourselves in the changed environment.”
“Fortunately for you, that was spared,“ I said cynically. He was probably out of his mind.
”I just wanted to tell you that I'm also willing to take a risk if it's assessable."
I didn't even hear that anymore.
“You just don't want me to be happy. You only talk about risk when something doesn't suit you. You begrudge me my happiness. You should have left me where I was. At least that would have been more honest,” I shouted at him.
“I hate you all,” I added, rushing out of the room, slamming the door behind me and running straight into my room, past the horrified Rasmus, who was just passing by. I threw myself on my bed and wept bitterly. I would not stay here any longer. Once again I had been so deeply disappointed. I cried so hard that I didn't hear the door to my room open quietly. I only jumped when someone gently stroked my head. It was Rasmus, who sat on my bed
and wanted to comfort me.
“Get lost!” I shouted at him. “You all don't want me.”
“Yes, I do,” he said quietly.
“Maybe you do, but Johannes doesn't. He does everything to make me unhappy.“
”That's not right. Johannes does everything for us.“
”If he loved me, he would allow me to get David here.“
”Maybe he doesn't allow it right now because he loves you.“
”That's nonsense.”
“Maybe he doesn't want to have to watch you go under because you can't get a grip on David.“
”But what else can I do?“
”Haven't you talked to him about other ways to help David?"
I shook my head. ”I don't know of any others.”
“And just because you don't know of any other options, there aren't any other options?“ ‘Why don't you ask Johannes? If there is any possibility, he will surely help you.’
I had probably focused so much on this one solution that I was not open to anything else.
”What should I do now? I yelled at Johannes so badly.”
“The same as I did then. You go and apologize. I'm sure he'll look for a solution with you."
So I crept back into Johannes' study with my tear-stained eyes. He was sitting at his desk, and his eyes were also red.
“Sorry. I must have behaved very badly. I was so focused that I didn't want to see anything else. Will you forgive me again?“ He came up to me and took me in his arms.
”That really hurt me. Believe me, my big boy, I don't want to do anything that could harm you. I love you very much.”
“I know that. But I was so desperate.“
”So desperate that you didn't even want to look for other solutions.“
I just nodded.
”Do you want to look for possibilities together with me?"
I nodded again.
“Well, originally I thought David could go to a supervised living group. He would have been able to go to school normally again and everything would have developed further, wherever it was going. I had already made some inquiries.
If he takes cocaine, it's more difficult. He can't get rid of it on his own anymore. He needs professional help.”
“Yes, I remember. When the junkies were going through withdrawal, they were in agony.“
”With cocaine, it's a bit different. You don't suffer any physical pain when you stop taking it.“
”So withdrawal should be a lot easier.”
“That's not quite right. Cocaine is insidious. It makes you feel great and very active. But when the effect is over, you fall into a hole. And the more often you take the stuff, the worse the depression is afterwards. And to fight that, you need more cocaine. You don't feel any pain, but that's almost worse than with heroin.”
“And what can be done?“
”It can almost only be done in a closed environment. But the most important thing is that David wants it at all. If he sees no need for it, it's no use. If he starts again where he left off after the withdrawal, he'll quickly be back where he is today.”
“And what can I do?“
”You probably know that best yourself. You can try to make him realize that he is maneuvering himself into a situation that is just as bad in the end as the one he fled. And if he really is gay, you can try to help him with his personal coming out to take away this mental tension from him.”
“That's pretty difficult,“ I mused.
”Well, I think so too.”
“But I have to at least try. I owe it to him and to myself.“
”You still love him?"
I nodded. Not a day went by when I didn't have to think about that one scene in the park. That was the only time David was naturally towards me. And I loved that David. And it devastated me that he wasn't anymore. I got teary eyes again.
“Take care of yourself, big guy. I know I can't stop you from looking for David. But be careful. It won't help anyone if you go to the dogs in the process. Promise me.“
”I promise,” I concluded.
10
I continued to spend all my free time at the train station. By now I was well known there, both by sex workers and punters. But I was no longer harassed. I also met Gerhard again. He asked about the success of my search, but no longer asked me if I wanted to come with him. He was still looking for a replacement for me. I almost felt sorry for him.
One day I finally got the first sign of life from David. One of the boys told me that he had been there an hour earlier. He had apparently really been staying with a client who had practically doused him with cocaine. But the client had apparently had enough of him by now and had kicked him out. He had not been in a good mood and would soon have disappeared again.
Well, at least something. Maybe he would show up again. I waited as long as I could, but David didn't show up. Of course I was late for dinner and got punishing looks.
“How long do you want to keep this up?” Petra asked.
“I have to have at least one conversation with him.” At least I could report that it probably wouldn't take that long anymore.
The next day, I ran into Tim at the train station. He immediately started giving me a hard time:
“I think you can forget about your buddy.”
"Why?”
“He was here again last night, totally aggressive. He was hassling people and almost started a fight, the idiot. In any case, he got into trouble with the cops and they banned him from the premises. I went out with him to calm him down. We ran into a client who was looking for one or two guys for a trip to Berlin over the weekend. I don't do that kind of thing, even though the guy sang the praises of Berlin: the stuff is cheaper there, the scene is much bigger and, in general, everything is much cooler. This place is pure provincial in comparison. Well, like I said, I don't do that kind of thing, I've already had bad experiences. But David pricked up his ears. He had to get out of here for a while anyway, and he could just as easily sell his body in Berlin. Besides, he had always wanted to go to Berlin. And then he left with the guy."
Oh shit, that was it then. I had to give up the search. Johannes would never allow me to go to Berlin. I thought feverishly. Maybe he hadn't gone with him after all. Or he would come back after the weekend. I decided to look for him again at the beginning of the following week. And if I hadn't heard from him by Tuesday, I would follow him to Berlin. It was crazy and I probably had to leave without saying anything. Johannes would never have allowed it. But otherwise I wouldn't have been able to find any peace. It would be even more difficult to find him in Berlin, but on the other hand I could search for him all day and not just a few hours like here.
I didn't find David on Monday or Tuesday. Nobody else had seen him either. On Tuesday, I started asking about train connections to Berlin.
The trip would cost 70 marks. I hadn't even thought of that. Fare dodging was out of the question, the route was too long for that. I had no chance. My pocket money supplies were also pretty much used up. Then I remembered Gerhard's hundred-mark bill, which was still sitting in my desk, going to waste. Yes, that would work. I could use that.
I wondered whether I should tell Rasmus and Oliver about my plans. But I decided against it because I didn't want to get the two of them into a conflict. I would have to ask them to keep quiet, while Petra and Johannes would surely grill them about where I was.
I finally decided to write a letter to everyone.
Dear Petra, dear Johannes, dear Rasmus, dear Oliver,
I know you might be disappointed, but I can't act differently. I found out that David has left town. I also found out where he went. I just have to find him and talk to him, no matter what the outcome is. Otherwise, I can't get closure. I promise I'll be back by Sunday at the latest. Please don't worry. I hope you can forgive me.
Your Rafael
Then I took the school books out of my school backpack and put some things in instead. That should be enough until the weekend.
1
David had been gone for a long time. I was still sitting on the bench. I could still smell him on me. I didn't want to let go of him. Eventually, I pulled myself together. For the first time, I was content with myself and the world and came home. The prospect of possibly finding a friend again, which seemed impossible to me after Tim's death, made me see the future a little rosier. I couldn't wait to tell Oliver and Rasmus about David. I also wanted to ask Petra if David could stay for dinner the next day. I arrived home full of positive energy. However, there was a lot of tension in the air. As I came in, I heard Johannes' loud and agitated voice:
“You must have lost your mind! You've lost the last shred of your sanity! I won't go over it again with you! I hope this was a lesson for you!"
It was Rasmus who was being put down by Johannes. He stood there looking very dazed and listened to Johannes' tirade. Oliver explained to me what had happened.
Rasmus had been caught smoking hash at school. Johannes had pleaded with the headmaster in order to avoid expulsion. While he had stood behind Rasmus at school, Johannes was now giving him such a roasting that it was enough to scare you. Even Oliver was finally cowed. I had never seen Johannes like this, not even when Oliver had beaten up a classmate who had called him “Knasti” at the beginning.
Finally, he sent Rasmus to his room. Oliver followed him. When the two had left the room, Johannes exhaled noticeably.
“Was that really necessary?“ I asked him. I thought his reaction was a bit over the top. After all, Rasmus hadn't taken heroin or any other hard drugs. I had also smoked a joint or two in my earlier life.
”Yes, Rafael, it was necessary,” he replied, ”even though it hurt me at least as much as it hurt Rasmus. It's not about this one joint. That's not a big deal. But he had to get the stuff from somewhere. And whoever's selling the hash is also selling other things. And Rasmus, all of you aren't yet stable enough to be able to resist the temptation in every possible situation. And our still young family wouldn't be able to withstand a junkie. That's why I had to react so harshly, even though it wasn't easy for me.
Now go comfort Rasmus and cheer him up a bit. I'm counting on you,“ he added, winking at me.
I followed them to their room. Oliver was standing somewhat helplessly at his desk. Rasmus was sitting on his bed, howling with rage.
”I'm leaving,” he snarled at me. ”Nobody wants me here anyway.”
“Yes, I want you,“ I replied and sat down on the bed with him.
”Me too,“ murmured Oliver.
”But Johannes doesn't. He hates me.“
”That's not true. Believe me, he really loves you more than you know.“
”Then why does he treat me like that? I haven't done anything bad, have I?”
“Because he's afraid for you. He's afraid that you'll slip away from him and fall back into your old life or worse.“
”But I just wanted to try it out...“
”Some things you just don't try out.” Rasmus, you've experienced for yourself how dangerous certain things can be and how quickly you can get yourself into something.”
“What should I do now?“ Rasmus asked tearfully.
”First of all, you calm down and then you apologize to Johannes.“
”But I'm afraid he'll yell at me again, and anyway...“
”Don't worry. He won't do that,” I interrupted him. ”I'll go with you, too.”
I held Rasmus until he had calmed down. Then we went to Johannes.
“Sorry,” Rasmus mumbled, giving Johannes such a sad puppy dog look that I, at least, would have forgiven him for something much worse. And of course Johannes couldn't resist him either. He held him very tightly in his arms.
“Don't you ever do that again,“ he whispered in his ear. Rasmus shook his head violently.
”Sweetheart, I'm so worried about you,” he added.
Rasmus started to cry again, and so did I. We were both thinking the same thing. We had only known the feeling of someone worrying about us for half a year. It still wasn't something we took for granted.
Because of the story with Rasmus, my experience took a back seat for the time being. Besides, Petra wasn't there yet, so I postponed the whole thing until dinner. The evening meal was sacred to us. While breakfast and lunch were taken whenever it suited, we always sat down at the table for dinner. That was also the time when all the important events of the day were discussed.
Rasmus was naturally afraid that his faux pas would be mentioned again, but I had a good diversionary maneuver.
“Petra, I'm getting a visitor tomorrow afternoon. Can I ask him if he wants to stay for dinner?” I started.
“So, who's coming?”
"Oh, just David, a classmate.”
“Classmate or friend?“ Johannes asked, grinning.
”Friend or friend?“ Oliver shouted, which earned him a kick from Rasmus.
”Ouch, you're allowed to ask,“ he complained.
”I don't know either,” I replied, blushing bright red.
“But you would like to be more than just a classmate,“ Petra concluded. ‘Of course he can stay for dinner if he wants.’
Fortunately, Johannes spared me further discussion by saying,
”That's enough, leave poor Rafael alone, otherwise we'll have to discuss other incidents from this day."
Rasmus immediately stopped all teasing.
When we had cleared the table and I wanted to go to my room, Petra gave me a quick hug and whispered in my ear:
“I wish you lots of luck, my big boy. I'm so glad you're getting your mind off things.”
“Thanks, I can use it.”
I had barely entered my room when Oliver and Rasmus stormed in.
“Come on, tell us,“ Rasmus started right away.
”Don't be so nosy. I didn't ask about your Bettina either.“
”But you could have.“ The boy was quick-witted.
So I told them what had happened at noon.
”You really told him everything? Even what we did in jail?”
“I had to, otherwise the whole story wouldn't have made sense.“
”I don't think that's so great,“ grumbled Oliver. ‘Now every time he looks at me, I have to think about the intimate things he knows about me.’
”I don't think it's so great either, but Rafael is right, without the intimate details you can't understand the story at all,” said Rasmus.
“Is he gay?“ Oliver asked.
”I don't know, we didn't talk about that.“
”If he hugged you so hard after the story, he must be gay,“ Rasmus concluded.
”We'll find out,” Oliver said.
“You won't do anything. This is none of your business. And you will both promise me now that there will be no ambiguous comments or questions tomorrow. Is that clear?“
”If it absolutely has to be. But we're good at matchmaking. But if you absolutely want to do without our services...”
“Stupid,” I laughed and threw a pillow at his head. That was the signal for the two of them to pounce on me. I could easily have dealt with one of them, but with two it was much more difficult, and before I knew it, I was on the floor and the two of them were sitting on me so that I could hardly move.
“You win,” Oliver shouted. ‘Do you surrender?’ And to emphasize his demand, he began to tickle me.
“Yes, I surrender,“ I managed to gurgle. Oliver stopped tickling and smiled at me. I think we all had the same thought at the same time. Oliver gave me a kiss and then stood up. Rasmus let me go too.
”We haven't been this close to each other in a long time,” he said.
“I'm so glad that I have at least you two,” I replied. I took them both in my arms and we cuddled for a while before they went to their room.
I went to bed, but I was much too excited to sleep. I hoped so much that I would have a little luck this time. Some power steers everything in the right direction, Johannes had said back then. I hoped so much that he was right. I was simply hopelessly in love.
2
I had never gone to school with such happy anticipation. I met David just outside the school. He looked great with his medium-length black hair. I wondered how I had been able to ignore it for the last six months.
“Will it work this afternoon?” I immediately asked him.
"Sure, that's what we agreed on.”
“Can you maybe stay for dinner, too?“
”I'll have to check with my folks first, but I'll probably be okay.“
Of course school didn't end that day. I was going crazy. When the final bell finally rang, I sighed with relief.
”See you later,” I said to David in the park.
Fortunately, he arrived on time that afternoon. When the doorbell rang, I rushed to the door. As I looked into his green eyes, I wanted to hug him right away. But before I could make any move, he held out his hand. A little disappointed, I shook his hand. I would have liked to have smelled something on him. Well, maybe I should take it a little slower.
“Wow, you have a great room,” David marveled when we got there.
I liked my room too. It was quite large. After all, it should have been enough for two. The decor was bright and friendly, even if it wasn't designer furniture. Johannes and Petra didn't have that much money after all. They did get money from the youth welfare office for us, but we cost them quite a bit. At least they had bought us all new furniture. And since it should have been enough for Tim, I had everything twice.
David was exactly on my wavelength. We had a great conversation, of course, about school at first. First, we went over all the teachers, then we got to our classmates. David had practically no contact with them.
“They're all just too stupid for me,” he said.
I found that a bit harsh. I hadn't wanted to fool around with them either, but I didn't dislike them that much.
At some point we came back to me:
“And you really lived on the streets and worked as a prostitute?” he asked, looking at me almost admiringly.
“Yes, I told you.“ I was almost a bit embarrassed now.
”But why, you had a home, didn't you?“
”I wouldn't call it home now. It was hell for me."
David nodded thoughtfully.
“In comparison, life on the street seemed like heaven to me. No one to tell you what to do, no one to put pressure on you, no one to beat you up. It was pure freedom. Maybe there was also a bit of a sense of adventure. It was so nice to feel like an outlaw. But it was only when I met Tim that I realized that it wasn't all that great after all. And since I've been living here with Johannes and Petra, I've been quite sure that I had swapped one hell for another.“
”But if that hadn't happened, you would probably still prefer the street to life with your parents?“
”Absolutely.“
”Actually, you've been pretty lucky,” David said, smiling a little tensely.
“If you look at it that way, maybe,” I said.
The afternoon flew by. However, David visibly kept his distance from me. While I was keen to touch him, he tried to prevent it. I thought that was a shame, but maybe I was too quick. I should just be more patient.
Dinner went without a hitch. Oliver and Rasmus kept their distance as promised. Johannes and Petra were friendly.
As soon as David was gone, Oliver and Rasmus came to my room.
“So?” Rasmus asked.
“Nothing, we had a good chat.”
“Haven't you shagged yet?”
"Oliver, you're a dirty old fool.”
“But it was different with Tim.“
”That was a completely different situation."
Well, I would have liked it to be a little different too. But that could still happen. I just couldn't be too impatient.
In any case, I now spent every free minute with David. We either met at my place or went into town, to the movies or shopping. Unfortunately, we couldn't go to his place. His little sister would be such a bitch about it, I wouldn't enjoy it. His sister was two years younger than him and went to our school, two years below us. I had never seen her and David made no effort to introduce me to her. Their relationship must not have been that great. From his description, she must have been a real creep. I would have liked to have met her. But I didn't push him either. I wasn't interested in his sister, after all. But I was all the more interested in her brother. I almost went crazy in his presence. I would have liked to have scurried through his long hair, I would have loved to have nibbled on his sweet earlobe, I would have loved to have absorbed his scent, not to mention other things.
But unfortunately he still avoided any kind of physical contact, let alone making any move to touch me. He wouldn't even allow a simple hug when saying hello or goodbye. I didn't know how much longer I could keep this up.
“You just have to be more responsive,“ advised Oliver. Great. I didn't feel like risking everything right away. But it couldn't go on like this for much longer. I would have to think of something.
3
”Hi Rafael.” It was Martin, a classmate who approached me during a break. I had talked to him a few times before. He was actually a very affable guy.
“Hi,“ I replied.
”Well, you're hanging out with David all the time now.“
”Is it that obvious?”
“Well, for the first six months you practically didn't talk to anyone, and now you're almost inseparable. It's none of my business, but if I can give you some good advice, be careful with him. There's a reason why he doesn't have any friends here. We've all had our experiences.”
What was that supposed to mean? Had Martin gone completely mad? Why did he want to put me off being friends with David? David was probably right after all, that the rest of the class were all assholes.
Before I could say anything, Martin left me standing there. I wanted to go after him, but the break bell forced me back into class.
I couldn't figure out why Martin had spoken to me. Was it resentment, jealousy, but of what? Or was there a grain of truth in it? Shit, he's got a screw loose. I wanted to talk to David about it carefully that afternoon. But today of all days, he had to give his bitchy sister math tutoring. His parents had insisted on it. I was beginning to hate his sister.
At least I had time to think. I decided it couldn't go on like this. Tomorrow I would be more direct, at the risk of him rejecting me. I had wet dreams about him at night. Well, admittedly, I often helped nature along. But I didn't want to just dream about him anymore, I wanted to hold him in real life.
The next day everything was back to normal. We hung out in my room and talked about everything. At some point David brought up my time as a hustler again. I didn't know why he was so interested in this topic. It was slowly getting on my nerves. But this time I was fine with it.
“Do you remember when I first told you about it?” I started.
"Hm.”
“After that, you held me in your arms and comforted me. I thought that was great. I never wanted to let you go again. I enjoyed it tremendously. I wished you would do that to me again...“
”But I'm not gay. I think it's all perverse and disgusting,” David interrupted me harshly.
That was worse than ten slaps in the face. No one had ever cut me down like that before. I couldn't help it, I started to cry. I didn't want him to think I was a crybaby, but it hurt so much.
David was also shocked, probably also by his own reaction. He suddenly looked at me very kindly, almost like he did in the park.
“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm so sorry. I really like you, Rafael. But I'm just not gay. I just can't do it.” He said that now with a very soft, loving voice.
But even though it was now formulated much more kindly, the result remained the same. David couldn't and didn't want to be my boyfriend.
“But I've fallen terribly in love with you. I can't think of anything else, day or night.“
”Rafael, before I met you, I wouldn't even talk to a gay guy, I found it so perverse, abnormal and disgusting. But when I met you, I found you sympathetic, empathetic and lovable. That's why I approached you. When you told me that you were gay, I thought that you would still be the same person. But I still find tenderness and sex between boys disgusting. Rafael, I like you a lot and would like to keep you as a friend, but just as a friend.”
I had no idea how this would work. But I didn't have the courage to break off contact completely either. Maybe I secretly still had hope that...
“I'll pine away next to you, but I also want to keep you as a friend,” I replied through my tears.
“Thanks,” and then he added, more to himself: “Since I have such a hard time finding friends.”
I sat somewhat depressed at dinner. Oliver also looked unhappy. His girlfriend had broken up with him. However, this was already his second and the heartbreak didn't last very long with him. Rasmus used to say that the girls were lining up for him and almost tearing each other's eyes out over who would be allowed to comfort him.
But with me it was over before it even began. And unfortunately no one was lining up to comfort me. Well, Rasmus and Oliver and Johannes and Petra tried to comfort me. But all they could do was hold me and say that I would surely find my great love. But that didn't help much. I had already found my great love. The problem was that my great love didn't want me. I spent another sleepless night. In my thoughts, I broke off contact with David at least a hundred times, but a hundred times I thought of strategies to get him after all.
4
David was strangely reserved the next morning. During the first break, he told me that he felt sick and that he was going home. He said that he had to tutor his sister again that afternoon, so we wouldn't be able to see each other. Somehow, that was fine with me. I had to deal with myself first.
That afternoon I went to Tim's grave. I had only been there once before, when Johannes had a small stone put up. I didn't associate any memories of Tim with the place. The body that was being eaten by worms down there had nothing more to do with Tim for me. That had been clear to me since the kiss in the morgue. The memory of him was connected to our cell. But of course I couldn't go there.
Somebody had laid a white rose on his grave, strange. The stone was already overgrown with moss.
Tim Breker
*27.2.1981
+15.10.1997
That was all that was written on the stone. Although nothing reminded me of Tim here, there was a strange solemn atmosphere over the place, as there is in a cemetery.
“Dear God, Johannes always says that you are steering everything in the right direction. You gave me a new family, too. I'm grateful for that. Can't you give me a friend, too? You took Tim away from me, which I still can't understand to this day, and now you probably don't want me to have David either. Have I done something so bad that you're taking away all my friends? Please give me some happiness.”
I murmured to myself. I didn't believe that anyone would hear me, but I felt a little relieved. I even got a bit of a positive attitude. Even if I couldn't have David as a lover, I wanted to keep him as a friend at least. After all, he had accepted me as I was, considering what a gay-hater he must have been before. And I still had a tiny glimmer of hope that he would change his mind. After all, this was all completely new to him. I thought back to that afternoon in the park. I had been quite sure at the time that there was more to his embrace than mere consolation. But here, wishful thinking had probably done more than its father.
The next day David was back to normal. We spent the afternoon together as if nothing had happened. But at some point he came back to my time at the station. It was slowly getting on my nerves.
“What's with all the questions and prying about my life as a hustler?” I asked him annoyed. “You're not gay. Why do you want to know so much?”
“Maybe I want to understand you better,” he replied, equally annoyed.
Was that what was standing between us? He certainly found it disgusting that I had sold myself to men. But I didn't dare to ask for fear of the answer.
In any case, the good mood was gone and David disappeared pretty soon.
The next few weeks were a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes it was like it used to be, then, without warning, there was a change in mood and he was suddenly extremely cold to me. But one thing didn't change: in his presence, I still had a tingling sensation, an almost irresistible urge to hold him. If I had hoped that this would fade over time, I was mistaken.
However, our meetings outside of school became less and less. Sometimes he had to help his sister with her homework, sometimes he just didn't feel like it. But what worried me more was that he disappeared more and more often during school hours. At first he apologized with nausea or headaches, but later he just disappeared without saying anything. The next math test was a complete failure, even though math was actually his specialty. When he also failed the English test two weeks later, I was seriously worried. I wondered again whether it was because of me. Maybe he couldn't handle having a gay friend. If that was the case, we would just have to end the friendship. Even if I didn't want to imagine it, I didn't want to be the cause of him getting into trouble at school. Then I would just have to suffer and hopefully it would have passed at some point. I almost threw up at the thought.
Nevertheless, when David wanted to sneak out of school again the following Monday, I grabbed him by the arm and tried to pull him into a corner.
"I really need to talk to you.”
“Let go of me, you fagot,” he shouted at me. ‘You're just disgusting.’
I let go of him, frozen with shock. No one else had heard, but no one had ever insulted me so badly. Without saying another word, David turned around and ran away.
That was the last straw. I didn't have to take that. I had done everything I could. I hated him. I never wanted to see him again.
On Tuesday, David didn't even show up at school. 'Hopefully he ran in front of a car,' I thought.
He didn't show up on Wednesday either. 'I hope he stays lost.'
On Thursday, he was still missing. 'He'll see what happens to him.'
On Friday, he was still missing. 'If I were him, I'd slowly start turning up again.'
He didn't turn up the next Monday either. 'I'll have to ask Martin if he always does this.'
'Hey, Martin, can I ask you a question?'
“Yes, of course. Is it about David?“
”Exactly. How did you know?”
“Well, you can see that. You're experiencing what we all experienced with him. At first he's really friendly and you think he's the nicest guy there is. And then, at some point, he suddenly has blackouts, yells at you or even wants to beat you up. All out of the blue. That's how it was with you, wasn't it?”
“Yes, exactly.“ So it probably had nothing to do with me being gay. After all, it was unlikely that the whole class was gay. Somehow that calmed me down a little.
”Did he always skip school?“ I asked.
”No, this is the first time he's done it.”
Immediately I felt a sense of guilt again. Damn, I hadn't done anything to him. Why did I feel guilty again?
When David still hadn't shown up on Tuesday, I decided to do something. I wanted to go and see him at home and find out once and for all what was actually going on. Damn, I didn't even have his address, let alone his phone number. I realized that David had always avoided talking about his home or his parents. The only one he occasionally mentioned was his sister, who seemed to get on his nerves. I could actually ask her about David. But I didn't know her either and I didn't even know exactly which class she was in. Finally, I had a bright idea. I could just ask for his address at the office. During the big break, I went there.
“Good morning, Ms. Weber. I'm Rafael Schumann. I'm in class 10b. I'm here about David Jendralsky. He's been absent for a week and I'd like to visit him at home, but I don't have his address. Could you possibly give it to me?”
“Being absent is good, skipping is bad. I just wrote a letter to his parents,” replied Ms. Weber. ‘Unfortunately, I can't give you his address. We're not allowed to give out any student information here.’
I must have looked completely disappointed. Anyway, she continued:
“But I can give you a tip. The parents' representatives usually make class lists with the names, addresses and phone numbers of all the students. Why don't you ask your parents? They probably have a list like that."
That was true; I had received it at the beginning and given it to Petra. But there might be another possibility.
“Ms. Weber, David also has a sister here. I think she must be in 8a or 8b. Maybe you can tell me which class she is in.“
”David doesn't have a sister, at least not at our school."
I must have misheard that. That couldn't be right. Completely stunned, I looked at her. That's probably why she added:
“Definitely not, I had looked for his file to write the letter to his parents."
5
What was that now? Was I on ‘Hidden Camera’? I looked around, but nothing happened. Damn it, why is this asshole lying to me like this? What was love a moment ago has now finally turned into hatred. I had never been so betrayed, so deceived. What did this shit think? Now I was finally done with him. But I wanted to throw that at least still personally in his face.
So I asked Petra for the class list as soon as I got home. It really existed and it did indeed contain all the addresses and phone numbers. All except one. There was nothing for David Jendralsky, no address, no phone number. Damn! Now there was only one option left. I grabbed the phone book. Fortunately, David's name wasn't Meier. At least there were five Jendralskys. Three of them had an address. I got the city map. It couldn't be too far from me. At least you had to be able to reach it on foot. Two Jendralskys were immediately ruled out. She lived at the other end of town. That left one and the two without an address. Of course, there was also the possibility that David's parents were not listed in the phone book at all. I thought about it for a moment. I didn't want to call, but to talk to him in person. But two Jendralskys didn't have an address. Before I set out in vain, I wanted to clarify the two. So I dialed the first number.
“Jendralsky,“ a woman's voice answered.
”Hello, I'd like to speak to David,“ I began.
”We don't have a David here. They must have dialed the wrong number.“
”Please excuse the disturbance.”
There were still two left. Unfortunately, no one answered the phone at the next number. All right, then I would visit the third address first: Humboldtring 84. Armed with the map, I set off. It took me a quarter of an hour. Then I stood in front of a huge apartment building. There were at least 100 names on the front door. It took me at least 10 minutes to find Jendralsky. Fortunately, it said “5th floor, on the right”. I was about to ring the bell when I realized: he probably wouldn't let me in, and then I would be standing here and all would have been in vain. I had to somehow get into the building and ring the bell at the apartment door directly. Then he could no longer escape me.
Fortunately, a couple left the house a short time later. I took the opportunity to slip into the house. I took the elevator to the fifth floor. The apartments were all located on a gallery that opened to the outside. After some searching, I finally found the right apartment. I took a deep breath and pressed the bell button.
A two-tone gong sounded. At first nothing happened. Then I heard a crash, like a chair falling over. Next, I heard the sound of footsteps approaching the door. Finally, the door opened.
I saw a woman, not particularly tall. She was wearing a housewife's smock. If she had been beautiful, she was no longer, at least not now. Her face looked haggard. Her hair was unkempt and stood out in all directions from her head. Her eyes were glassy. She somehow looked right through me.
“What do you want?“ she slurred.
No doubt about it, the woman was drunk as a skunk. I must have come to the wrong address. Just to say something, I replied,
”I'd like to speak to David."
Instead of answering, she burst out laughing hysterically. I was completely horrified.
“What's the matter? Who is it?“ I heard a deep voice from the apartment. A short time later, a giant of a man in stained trousers and a ribbed undershirt appeared.
The woman stopped laughing.
”Someone wants to speak to David,” the woman whispered.
“David doesn't live here anymore,” the man began, almost whispering. ‘You can look for him at the train station, where he belongs.’ His tone increased. ‘That cocksucker, that backstabber. And if that bastard should dare to show his face here again, I'll carry him back to the train station myself, after breaking every single bone in his body.’ The man was almost screaming now. Then he looked at me penetratingly and began again in a threatening voice:
“And you? Are you also part of this troop?” His face took on a disgusted expression.
I had only one thought: just get out of here. I turned around and ran, ran down the 5 floors, just out of the house. I didn't even stop outside. I ran without looking left or right, and kept running for about 15 minutes before I finally stopped, completely exhausted. Coincidentally, it was exactly the park where I had sat on the bench with David. My lungs hurt when I inhaled, I was so out of breath. I sat down.
It was as if the scales had fallen from my eyes. Suddenly everything was clear. It all fell into place like a jigsaw puzzle: the invented sister, the mood swings, the constant questions about my time as a hustler – I had told him about the initial feeling of freedom, but he probably didn't want to hear the rest – his truancy and ultimately his disappearance.
I burst into tears and cried and cried. And as if fate wanted to mock me even more, I sat exactly on the bench where everything had started not too long ago. Only this time there was no one there to hold me and comfort me. And just today I was sure that it was more than just comforting. But this realization only made me cry even more.
6
At some point, I made my way home. At home, I ran right into Johannes. When he saw me, he immediately pulled me into his study.
“Hey, big guy, what's wrong?”
“I'm just bad luck for everyone. Anyone who gets involved with me can make their will,” I said through my tears.
“What's the matter now?“ he asked, shocked. ‘Now tell me everything in order.’
I told him what had happened in the last week, up to my visit to David's parents.
”I only want the best. But everything I touch turns to evil,” I ended.
Johannes took me in his arms.
“You overestimate your infernal power, my boy. What happened to Tim was an unfortunate chain of circumstances in which you had no part at all. And now, the story with David, that would have happened sooner or later anyway. Maybe you accelerated it by a few weeks, but you couldn't have prevented it. If you had known beforehand how much emotional stress David was under, if he had said anything, you might have been able to arrange something.
“I just misread all the signs,” I whined.
"Now stop blaming yourself. You couldn't have known. In retrospect, it always seems as if you could have known. But that's not the case.”
“Yes, I should have recognized it. I experienced it all myself,“ I whispered.
”Cheer up, maybe we can still help your David. I'll contact the youth welfare office and see what can be done,“ Johannes promised.
”Is it any use if I forbid you to look for David?” he then asked.
“Please don't do that, I don't want to have to lie to you,“ I replied.
”You know why I have concerns?“
”Don't worry. I've found something here that I've never had in my whole life: a real home. I'm not going to risk that."
Johannes hugged me and whispered in my ear, ”I hope you're strong enough.”
I just nodded my head slightly.
The next day, after I had finished my homework, I went to the train station. I arrived around 5 o'clock. That was just the right time. Before that, there were usually no boys there. It was a strange feeling going back there after more than a year. The number of addicts seemed to have decreased a bit. Otherwise, not much had changed. The area where the prostitutes stood was still as unsightly as before. Some guys were already there. David was not there. I didn't know any of the others either. Maybe he came later, maybe he wouldn't come at all. I used to take time off more often when I had enough money. So I stood in a corner as inconspicuously as possible and watched what was happening. Automatically, I began to see the scene through the eyes of a hustler. The people were divided into colleagues/competitors, potential clients and cops. Everyone else fell through the cracks and was practically unregistered. All the boys at the station did it this way. Of course, the other boys here too. It wasn't long before one of the other boys, about three years older than me, came over to me.
“Hi“
”Hi,“ I replied.
”You're new here.“ That was a rhetorical question for him. That's why he didn't wait for an answer, but continued directly:
”Do you know the rules?"
The rules were: no price dumping and no hitting on punters that another guy was already on. I still knew everything exactly.
“Hey, I'm just waiting here,“ I replied. The boy just looked at me uncomprehendingly.
”I'm looking for someone,“ I explained to him. It seemed to sink in.
”Well, I'd do it for less with you too.” I had now fallen into the category of a client for him, even though I was still so young myself.
“No, thanks, I'm looking for a specific one,“ I tried to explain further.
”Why, I'll do you better,“ the boy persisted. I almost had to laugh now.
”I don't want sex, I'm looking for a buddy.” Now he finally understood.
“Oh, I see. Do you maybe have 5 marks for me?“ That was the usual tactic when a client didn't want you to get at least something out of it. It had probably become so ingrained in him that this question came automatically.
”Hey, you have more money than me,“ I replied.
”How do you figure that?“
”I was in the business myself once.”
“And why aren't you anymore?“
”I've got something better.“
”Do you live with a guy?” That was always a comfortable situation for a hustler. To have a client with whom you could live. Then you had already solved the biggest problem, namely accommodation and meals, and at most you needed to earn a little extra from time to time.
“Nah, I've got a foster family.“ Of course, that didn't impress the boy.
”Pffff,“ he made contemptuously and was about to leave.
”Wait a minute.“ The boy turned around again. ‘Do you know a David, long black hair, green eyes?’
”What do you want with him?” the other asked suspiciously.
“He's a buddy of mine. I heard he's working here.“
”Oh, I see. He was here yesterday. Haven't seen him today. Maybe he'll come. What's his name, anyway?“
”Rafael. And you?“
”Tim.“ Oh, no!
”I'm going to move on,” Tim ended and left me standing there.
At least I now knew that David was really here. I just had to wait for him to show up. I was already thinking about how I wanted to approach him. Hopefully he wouldn't run away again. I would suggest to him that we could look for a solution together with Johannes. There was no way he could go back home. I was so lost in thought that I didn't pay attention to my surroundings. So I was really shocked when a man spoke to me.
“Are you new here? What do you do?” Of course, he meant what sexual practices I offered.
“I'm just waiting here,” I said firmly. No thanks, that was really over now, it really didn't have to be. The guy mumbled something about “waiting somewhere else” and left.
From then on, I was more attentive and changed my place as soon as I noticed that a guy was staring at me or looking for eye contact. I waited another two hours, then I had no more hope that Tim would come and went home.
7
Johannes caught me right at the entrance and pulled me into the study.
“And,” he asked.
“I didn't find him, but I found out that he was already there. I'll keep looking for him.“
”And what are you going to do when you find him?“
”I want to tell him that the path he has chosen is a dead end. And I will tell him that there is another way without him having to go back to his parents.”
Johannes nodded: “I haven't reached anyone at the youth welfare office yet, but there are certainly possibilities. But now it's time for dinner. We waited especially for you.”
Only Johannes and Petra knew about this latest development. We hadn't told Oliver and Rasmus anything. Nevertheless, the two of them realized that something was wrong and came to me later.
“What's going on now? You're totally out of it,“ Oliver started.
”Oh, I'm still sad about David.“
”Forget that jerk. If he doesn't want you, it's his own fault,” Oliver advised.
“There's something else. That David doesn't want you isn't everything,” said Rasmus. The boy had an almost uncanny sensitivity. He sensed immediately when something was wrong.
“Come on, Rafael, you've always told us everything before. Don't you trust us anymore?“ He looked at me so sadly that I couldn't do anything else. I told them what had happened. They were shocked too, of course.
”That's terrible. What are you going to do?”
“I'll go to the station every day until I find him. And then I'll have to try to convince him to look for another solution.“
”We'll come with you and help you look,” Oliver offered. ”And if you can't, we can look on our own.”
“Absolutely not. Johannes didn't want me to look for him. If I take you to the station, he'll kill me,“ I defended myself. Johannes couldn't even know that the two of them had this idea at all.
”All right,” the two of them submitted, somewhat sadly, ‘but if we can help you in any way, you'll say so.’ I promised.
The next afternoon I went to the train station again. I waited for almost three hours, but David didn't show up.
On Friday I didn't have to do any homework. I postponed that until Saturday morning. So I was already at the station at three o'clock. Maybe I had always been too late to meet him. Despite the early hour, two boys were already there. I already knew one of them and asked him about David. But he hadn't seen him for a long time. So I waited some more. I was approached by more and more men, but I always said that I was just waiting here. Of course, that became less and less credible. Some guys who had approached me the day before tried again. Maybe they still hoped to be successful. My answer was a bit stupid, of course. No boy waits day after day at a certain place, and certainly not at the train station. But I didn't want to tell the real reason. That was none of their business. So I kept waiting and watching the scene. At some point I saw him. I had to look twice. But there was no doubt about it. It was him. He was the only one I was afraid of meeting. If I had met the guy who had raped me, or the sadist who had beaten me up and then thrown me out of the car without paying, I wouldn't have cared. I would have spat in their faces. But him! I really hoped he wouldn't come here anymore. I briefly considered running away, but I was paralyzed. My past had caught up with me.
8
Gerhard had been one of my regular lovers. He came almost every week, even when he didn't have time to take me with him. He always brought me something, sometimes without asking for something in return. He often took me out to dinner. And he also helped me as much as he could when I had problems. He was the only one I had emotional contact with during that time. He was almost a father-substitute for me. However, he also wanted to go to bed with me. And that didn't quite fit. Nevertheless, if he had asked me at the time if I would stay with him, I probably would have done. I couldn't imagine that I would find a real family again. But Gerhard never asked me either, because he was married and of course didn't want to give that up. My feelings swung between gratitude and hatred. I really didn't know how I should behave towards him.
Of course, he had spotted me immediately and came over to me beaming with joy.
“Hi, Rafael, I didn't think I'd see you again,” he began.
“Me neither,” I thought, smiling painfully.
“I've been looking for you for months. Where were you?“
”I messed up. I was in jail.“
”What did you do?“ he asked.
”I stole something from a client.“ Gerhard looked at me reproachfully.
”Was it worth it?”
Yes, I thought to myself, it was. “No, probably not,” I replied.
“But now you're back,” Gerhard said.
“I'm not...” I started, but Gerhard wouldn't let me finish.
“I missed you a lot. But after you disappeared, I looked for someone new. But I couldn't find anyone who was like you. A few weeks ago, I found someone who reminded me a lot of you. But unfortunately, it seems that he has also disappeared again.”
I hardly listened to him because I knew what was coming. I feverishly thought about what to do. It didn't take long before he asked:
“Would you like to come with me?”
Shit, shit, shit, I just thought.
I didn't answer him, but almost as if under duress, I nodded.
He took me, as before, to this hourly hotel. The same sleazy owner was still sitting in the entrance, where you paid 25 marks for the room. The stairs were still as dark as ever, with the worn carpeting, and the room was still as shabby. The furnishings consisted of a bed, a table with a chair and a sink. Otherwise, you didn't need anything. The furnishings were perfectly adequate for what I was doing there.
I functioned, yes, that was probably how you could put it, I functioned, no more and no less. Afterwards, though, I felt like shit. Gerhard sensed that something was wrong.
“What's the matter?” he asked.
“I'm not on the game anymore.”
“What?” He looked at me blankly.
I told him what had happened, that I had found a family through prison and was actually happy there now. Gerhard turned pale.
“Why didn't you tell me that? And why did you come with me at all?”
If only I knew myself. I just shrugged my shoulders.
“And anyway, if you're not on the game anymore, why are you hanging around here at the station?“
”I'm looking for someone here,” I replied. Gerhard looked at me questioningly.
I told him the broad outlines of David's story: that I had fallen in love with him, but that he was not gay, that he had difficult family circumstances and that he had probably ended up here.
Gerhard grew paler and paler as I told him my story.
“David is the boy I told you about earlier,” he whispered almost.
I didn't think I was hearing right. David, the new hustler of my former client? I, who loved him, wasn't even allowed to hug him and Gerhard was allowed to fuck him for 100 bucks. I felt the anger rising in me.
“You pig!“ I shouted at him. ‘Why are you doing this to him? He's not even gay.’ Gerhard flinched.
”Now give me a break. I didn't force him to do anything, you know that very well. He was here on the stroll and I wasn't even his first client.”
He was right. I couldn't say whether this was a comedy or a tragedy. David and I had never even kissed, let alone had sex with each other, but we let ourselves be fucked by one and the same client.
“But still,“ I began.
”And as far as being gay is concerned, he's at least as gay as you are, believe me,“ he concluded.
”But he...“ I started again.
”If I may remind you of what you always told me: that you always think of a horny chick when you do it, otherwise you couldn't do it at all. Have you already forgotten that?”
I blushed. He was right. I had already made my coming out as painful as possible. But why was David doing exactly the same shit now? He knew what had happened to me. I couldn't understand that at all. However, a solution was slowly forming in my mind. If he really was gay, he just needed someone to help him with his coming out. And that should be feasible. Gerhard probably realized that I was thinking.
“If I may give you some advice. If you want to help your friend, you have to hurry. He has started snorting cocaine. And the last time he told me that a client had offered to move in with him. The client would then supply him with cocaine. And since he hasn't shown up since, I'm afraid he accepted the offer.”
Oh no. As if one thing wasn't enough already. But that didn't change the solution I had come up with.
“I have to go then,” I said. I didn't want any money from Gerhard. Nevertheless, he put a 100 in my pocket.
“You never know when you might need it,” he said. I couldn't imagine what for, but I kept the money anyway. I would put it in my desk. Whatever I bought with it, it would always remind me of this hour in this sleazy dive. That's why the money could go moldy in my desk for all I cared.
“Take care,“ Gerhard said goodbye, this time probably goodbye forever.
”Take care."
This chapter of my life was probably finally closed after this relapse.
At least I now knew exactly what I wanted to do.
9
As soon as I got home, I rushed to Johannes in his study.
“Hello, what's going on? You've got a lot of energy,“ he said.
”I have a lead on David. I think I can find him within a week.“
”Well, get started then,” he urged me.
I told him what I had learned. But I kept quiet about the 100-mark bill, which was crackling in my pocket, and how I had come to have it.
“And how do you think you should proceed?” he asked.
“Well, first of all I have to find him, and then I have to help him to accept himself and then...“ I hesitated and looked at Johannes with my favorite dachshund eyes.
”Look, Tim was supposed to live with us too, and there's still a bed available in my room. I thought David could maybe come to us."
Johannes looked at me sadly and then shook his head.
“I'm sorry, but that's not possible.“ A world collapsed inside of me.
”Please,“ I begged him, ‘why can't it be possible?’
”Well, for starters, I don't know if he's ready to accept himself like that.”
“Let me worry about that, I can do it,“ I interrupted him.
”Then I don't know if he fits into our family,“ he continued.
”We'll manage. We'll bend him so that he fits. Rasmus and Oliver will certainly help me with that. If he only has a family again, everything will be fine.”
“And the third and worst thing for me is that he is a drug addict. You saw for yourself not too long ago that we still have to be careful about that. I don't want to take in an addict and risk our whole family because of him. David needs one hundred percent care now, if he wants it at all.“
”But he would have that with us.”
“But then our family will go to the dogs. The risk is too great for me.“
”You wanted to take in four guys from jail. You didn't think the risk was too great then,” I desperately interjected.
“I had several months to observe you. I was able to assess that. Besides, none of you were drug addicts. The only small risk - and I never wanted to tell you this - that I saw was, strangely enough, the relationship between you and Tim. I wouldn't have known what we should have done if you had reoriented yourselves in the changed environment.”
“Fortunately for you, that was spared,“ I said cynically. He was probably out of his mind.
”I just wanted to tell you that I'm also willing to take a risk if it's assessable."
I didn't even hear that anymore.
“You just don't want me to be happy. You only talk about risk when something doesn't suit you. You begrudge me my happiness. You should have left me where I was. At least that would have been more honest,” I shouted at him.
“I hate you all,” I added, rushing out of the room, slamming the door behind me and running straight into my room, past the horrified Rasmus, who was just passing by. I threw myself on my bed and wept bitterly. I would not stay here any longer. Once again I had been so deeply disappointed. I cried so hard that I didn't hear the door to my room open quietly. I only jumped when someone gently stroked my head. It was Rasmus, who sat on my bed
and wanted to comfort me.
“Get lost!” I shouted at him. “You all don't want me.”
“Yes, I do,” he said quietly.
“Maybe you do, but Johannes doesn't. He does everything to make me unhappy.“
”That's not right. Johannes does everything for us.“
”If he loved me, he would allow me to get David here.“
”Maybe he doesn't allow it right now because he loves you.“
”That's nonsense.”
“Maybe he doesn't want to have to watch you go under because you can't get a grip on David.“
”But what else can I do?“
”Haven't you talked to him about other ways to help David?"
I shook my head. ”I don't know of any others.”
“And just because you don't know of any other options, there aren't any other options?“ ‘Why don't you ask Johannes? If there is any possibility, he will surely help you.’
I had probably focused so much on this one solution that I was not open to anything else.
”What should I do now? I yelled at Johannes so badly.”
“The same as I did then. You go and apologize. I'm sure he'll look for a solution with you."
So I crept back into Johannes' study with my tear-stained eyes. He was sitting at his desk, and his eyes were also red.
“Sorry. I must have behaved very badly. I was so focused that I didn't want to see anything else. Will you forgive me again?“ He came up to me and took me in his arms.
”That really hurt me. Believe me, my big boy, I don't want to do anything that could harm you. I love you very much.”
“I know that. But I was so desperate.“
”So desperate that you didn't even want to look for other solutions.“
I just nodded.
”Do you want to look for possibilities together with me?"
I nodded again.
“Well, originally I thought David could go to a supervised living group. He would have been able to go to school normally again and everything would have developed further, wherever it was going. I had already made some inquiries.
If he takes cocaine, it's more difficult. He can't get rid of it on his own anymore. He needs professional help.”
“Yes, I remember. When the junkies were going through withdrawal, they were in agony.“
”With cocaine, it's a bit different. You don't suffer any physical pain when you stop taking it.“
”So withdrawal should be a lot easier.”
“That's not quite right. Cocaine is insidious. It makes you feel great and very active. But when the effect is over, you fall into a hole. And the more often you take the stuff, the worse the depression is afterwards. And to fight that, you need more cocaine. You don't feel any pain, but that's almost worse than with heroin.”
“And what can be done?“
”It can almost only be done in a closed environment. But the most important thing is that David wants it at all. If he sees no need for it, it's no use. If he starts again where he left off after the withdrawal, he'll quickly be back where he is today.”
“And what can I do?“
”You probably know that best yourself. You can try to make him realize that he is maneuvering himself into a situation that is just as bad in the end as the one he fled. And if he really is gay, you can try to help him with his personal coming out to take away this mental tension from him.”
“That's pretty difficult,“ I mused.
”Well, I think so too.”
“But I have to at least try. I owe it to him and to myself.“
”You still love him?"
I nodded. Not a day went by when I didn't have to think about that one scene in the park. That was the only time David was naturally towards me. And I loved that David. And it devastated me that he wasn't anymore. I got teary eyes again.
“Take care of yourself, big guy. I know I can't stop you from looking for David. But be careful. It won't help anyone if you go to the dogs in the process. Promise me.“
”I promise,” I concluded.
10
I continued to spend all my free time at the train station. By now I was well known there, both by sex workers and punters. But I was no longer harassed. I also met Gerhard again. He asked about the success of my search, but no longer asked me if I wanted to come with him. He was still looking for a replacement for me. I almost felt sorry for him.
One day I finally got the first sign of life from David. One of the boys told me that he had been there an hour earlier. He had apparently really been staying with a client who had practically doused him with cocaine. But the client had apparently had enough of him by now and had kicked him out. He had not been in a good mood and would soon have disappeared again.
Well, at least something. Maybe he would show up again. I waited as long as I could, but David didn't show up. Of course I was late for dinner and got punishing looks.
“How long do you want to keep this up?” Petra asked.
“I have to have at least one conversation with him.” At least I could report that it probably wouldn't take that long anymore.
The next day, I ran into Tim at the train station. He immediately started giving me a hard time:
“I think you can forget about your buddy.”
"Why?”
“He was here again last night, totally aggressive. He was hassling people and almost started a fight, the idiot. In any case, he got into trouble with the cops and they banned him from the premises. I went out with him to calm him down. We ran into a client who was looking for one or two guys for a trip to Berlin over the weekend. I don't do that kind of thing, even though the guy sang the praises of Berlin: the stuff is cheaper there, the scene is much bigger and, in general, everything is much cooler. This place is pure provincial in comparison. Well, like I said, I don't do that kind of thing, I've already had bad experiences. But David pricked up his ears. He had to get out of here for a while anyway, and he could just as easily sell his body in Berlin. Besides, he had always wanted to go to Berlin. And then he left with the guy."
Oh shit, that was it then. I had to give up the search. Johannes would never allow me to go to Berlin. I thought feverishly. Maybe he hadn't gone with him after all. Or he would come back after the weekend. I decided to look for him again at the beginning of the following week. And if I hadn't heard from him by Tuesday, I would follow him to Berlin. It was crazy and I probably had to leave without saying anything. Johannes would never have allowed it. But otherwise I wouldn't have been able to find any peace. It would be even more difficult to find him in Berlin, but on the other hand I could search for him all day and not just a few hours like here.
I didn't find David on Monday or Tuesday. Nobody else had seen him either. On Tuesday, I started asking about train connections to Berlin.
The trip would cost 70 marks. I hadn't even thought of that. Fare dodging was out of the question, the route was too long for that. I had no chance. My pocket money supplies were also pretty much used up. Then I remembered Gerhard's hundred-mark bill, which was still sitting in my desk, going to waste. Yes, that would work. I could use that.
I wondered whether I should tell Rasmus and Oliver about my plans. But I decided against it because I didn't want to get the two of them into a conflict. I would have to ask them to keep quiet, while Petra and Johannes would surely grill them about where I was.
I finally decided to write a letter to everyone.
Dear Petra, dear Johannes, dear Rasmus, dear Oliver,
I know you might be disappointed, but I can't act differently. I found out that David has left town. I also found out where he went. I just have to find him and talk to him, no matter what the outcome is. Otherwise, I can't get closure. I promise I'll be back by Sunday at the latest. Please don't worry. I hope you can forgive me.
Your Rafael
Then I took the school books out of my school backpack and put some things in instead. That should be enough until the weekend.