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Why lie down when you can already feel that the day is going to be a disaster?
It all started when I slipped on my stupid bath mat and landed quite ungracefully on my backside.
While having breakfast, I burned my mouth on my cappuccino and nearly choked on my roll. The bus drove away right in front of me, and when I set off to school on my bike, of course, it started to rain. Just great.
As I was riding onto the schoolyard, the bell rang for the first period. At least I was still on time; Mrs. Hinsen, our homeroom teacher, had no understanding for latecomers. The fact that I looked like a mop (a hood on my jacket would have been too nice) and that my clothes were soaked was just another point on my "this day is not mine" list.
So I rushed towards the classroom, hoping that Mrs. Hinsen would be late for once. Just as I turned the corner, Mrs. Hinsen came towards the classroom with a boy I didn't know. Being the nice person I am (*clears throat*), I held the door open for them and quickly made my way to my seat in the back row. My seatmate Ben looked a bit disturbed, but I knew why. I simply looked stunning today. Who doesn’t like wet, frizzy hair and muddy pants (thanks to the muddy puddles!) – everyone, right? Ugh.
But before he could say anything, Mrs. Hinsen started talking.
"Dear class, I ask for silence... I said SILENCE." Okay, it wasn't really talking, more like the roar of a hungry tiger.
"Now, before we return to our current topic, I have a new classmate for you. Fabian Gölser. He has moved here with his family and therefore has to change schools during the school year. You can ask him anything else later. Fabian, please take a seat... Um... the only free spot seems to be next to Theo."
With that, she pointed at me...
Oh right, I hadn't even introduced myself... how rude. But with a start to the day like this, let's not be too critical, shall we?
So, I’m Theo, actually my name is Theodor – but thankfully no one calls me that, for which I am very grateful, 18 years old, and I attend the 12th grade at the local high school.
Fabian came in with his head down and dropped into the empty seat next to me. I could understand that he was a bit uncertain. Coming into a class new and then being introduced by Mrs. Hinsen – there are better things.
The lesson went as usual, Mrs. Hinsen talked and talked... No one really listened to her. We all agreed that poems by dead people were not the most exciting topic.
When the bell rang for break and I was just about to turn to our new classmate, Ben got in my way.
"Hey Theo, bad mood today or what?"
"I'd like to know what mood you’d be in if your day had started like mine..."
"Are you coming to Bella's tonight? It’s going to be awesome..."
I should mention that Bella throws at least one party every month. Her parents have a huge party basement, and the nearest neighbors live far enough away that you can turn up the music until your ears fall off. Her parents are totally chill. As long as the grades are decent, Bella can pretty much do what she wants... I think it's a good compromise... At her parties, there’s always plenty of alcohol and lots of half-naked girls throwing themselves at anything that moves... Who thinks, hello? Aren't the guys usually the ones on the hunt for girls? It’s different for us. Most of the guys in our class are rather reserved and not interested in a quick fling. In the neighboring class, it’s a whole different story... Since Bella's best friend is from that class, it's clear that half the class will show up at her parties...
"Have to, right? I can't do anything else anyway..."
I should mention that I haven't received any pocket money for two months because I skipped gym class... for the 8th time this school year...
But who can expect me to shower naked (!) with the others after gym? HELLO? I'd end up getting charged with public indecency or something...
Why? Well, it's clear... I’m gay – and I mean really gay. I've known since I was 12... I just never had any interest in girls. I haven't come out yet... I'm just scared, even though my class and especially my friends haven't said anything negative about gay people so far... but there hasn’t been a situation where it could have come up... I don’t know, I just don’t have the courage. I haven’t told my parents either; I think they would need a moment to digest it... and then... I don’t know. But I didn’t want to know that in detail just yet...
My goal is to come out when I have my first boyfriend. Then I will have support and at least one person who understands me and stands by me. Yes, you heard right... I haven't had the pleasure yet, but I have had two girlfriends... I had to come up with something when everyone kept asking why I didn't have a girlfriend... I didn't want to deal with rumors. That's when Elli, who was 15 at the time, came in handy. We were together for 1.5 years. Quite decent, right? My luck was that everyone knew Elli was raised very strictly; she wouldn't even dream of pre-marital sex. So it was a pretty relaxed time. With Nina, it was different. I was with her for four months. She wanted to sleep with me after two months, had her parents out of the house, bought champagne, and set up the room romantically... But unfortunately, I had a very painful bladder infection every evening. It really went poorly.
Then came my class trip (which she couldn't attend because she wasn't in my class), then came her class trip, and suddenly she had a new boyfriend...
Until a few months ago, I had no problem seeing my classmates naked, but overnight that changed. Just the thought of seeing certain friends naked gave me an erection. Even though I didn't think the guys were that great. At least I didn't want anything from them. After almost getting caught with an erection in the shower, I prefer not to participate in sports anymore or to forget my shower stuff. It's starting to be noticed, and I'm constantly being asked what's wrong...
I am very enthusiastic about sports, no matter what, I'm always quite good at it and have fun. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to avoid the horrible shower...
Until the big break, Ms. Hinsen had nothing exciting left to say, so the second hour dragged on...
When the bell rang, everyone rushed out to the playground, not wanting to waste a second.
As we stood in our smoking corner, the conversation quickly turned to our new guy - Fabian. We really needed to take a closer look at him, but we had already decided to adopt him. He looked almost like he would fit in with us. We wanted to see if we were right.
I flicked my cigarette away and headed to the bathroom. When I was washing my hands, Fabian came in. I nodded at him friendly and planned to wait for him outside. I wanted to give him a bit of privacy.
"Hi Fabian."
"Hi," he replied a bit shyly. If I hadn't been sure he was talking to me, I would have thought he was addressing the schoolyard floor. He was staring intensely at the ground... very intensely... that gum-stuck floor certainly had a certain allure... not to mention the erotic vibe...
"I'm Theo," I tried again to coax the new guy out of his shell, but he didn't seem particularly interested...
"Yeah, see you in a bit," was his only reaction, and without looking up, he just walked past me...
Phew, honestly, I was friendly to him; why was he being so... so dismissive...?
Now I was a bit offended. Maybe he was just a little shy...?
Throughout the rest of the school day, several from my class were frustrated with our newcomer. He was always friendly but incredibly standoffish. He didn't want to talk to anyone. It almost seemed like he was claiming the position of the class loner for himself.
We stood by the school gate for a few more minutes discussing the evening at Bella's; I wasn't fully present because I was still wondering what exactly Fabian's problem was. You would think he should be happy to start at a new school and be warmly welcomed by the class.
"Ah, here comes Mister I-don't-need-you."
Tino, the old sock, was clearly the source of that comment...
Before I could say anything, Fabian had already disappeared around the next corner...
"Thanks, Tino, did you really have to say that?" I glared at him angrily from the side.
"Maybe he just had a bad day today; if you come at him like that, he probably won't ever talk to us... He must think we're the last idiots..."
"If you say so, Theolein."
I hated it when he rolled his eyes like that.
Eventually, we went our separate ways, and I wondered if I even wanted to go to Bella's tonight. My mood was somehow at rock bottom. Was it really just because of Tino's behavior? No, certainly not; he hadn't been like this just yesterday... But what else could it be? It must be because of my rough start to the day. Exactly.
When I got home, my mother was already standing in the doorway. I quickly wondered if I had done something wrong... No, I was not aware of any guilt. But she only waits at the door when something is wrong... Damn.
"Hi Mum."
"Theodor, I ran into an old friend while shopping today..."
Aha.
"They just moved here, and I offered that you would help a little with unpacking... you know, my back..."
Oh no, why always me? That wasn't fair. I had to rack my brain about whether I should go to Bella tonight or not.
"Okay, I admit that you probably have something better to do, but I have an offer for you..."
Well then, let's see...
"I'll give you your pocket money for this month, that's fair, right?"
Wow, cool. For that, I could be persuaded... after all, my last euros went for cigarettes yesterday, and tomorrow I would have to buy another pack... YES, I know, smoking is unhealthy, but hello? You only live once, and I want to enjoy it at least...
I sighed and looked at my mother with her "please-my-dear-boy-do-it-for-your-loving-mother" face and agreed. She immediately handed me my 50 euros and a note with the address. When I asked her what about lunch, she turned around and came back with a bag of sandwiches.
Aha, great. So that meant I could eat on the way and then get right to work when I arrived? Awesome.
She briefly described the way, and I already had a bad feeling about the neighborhood. Although I had never been there, everyone in town knew that it really wasn't the best.
On the way to the given address, I noticed that the houses and streets were changing. It looked somehow... well... unsocial here. Not that we lived in some kind of luxury, no, rather quite normal and plain. But this? My goodness, she really let me go there alone? I would have to tell her something.
I parked my bike in front of the house and wondered if it would still be there when I was done. I didn't have a lock...
Great, among the at least 15 names, I was supposed to guess what her friend's name was? She hadn't told me, great. I decided to just ring the bell at the bottom. Instead of the doorbell, I only heard a voice from the "I-don't-want-to-see-you intercom."
"Huh?"
"Good day, my name is Theo Weber. Um, I was supposed to help someone with a move here... do you know...?"
"Yes, right at the top." Click... end.
I never expected such friendliness... grumble. So I rang at the top, and indeed, the doorbell opened. Okay, let's see if the nice gentleman was right and I was in the right place.
"Shit, you have to be kidding me... does this damn shack not even have an elevator...?"
Groaning, I climbed the stairs. After what felt like 30 minutes, I reached the top floor.
"And if I'm wrong here, I'm going back home... God damn it."
I pressed the doorbell and waited; a moment later, the door opened, and a woman in her 40s stood in front of me. She looked totally funny, wearing a shirt that was way too big, the actual color of which could no longer be guessed because it was completely splattered with paint. Her hair was messy, and she looked totally tired... I felt sorry for her...
"Hello, you must be Theodor, right? I'm Monika."
Her voice sounded tired but friendly. She seemed happy that I was there, so I smiled back at her.
"Yes, um, my mother sent me."
"Come in, Theodor, my son isn't back yet; I hope he comes soon. He knows we have a lot to do today... and then he has to dawdle..."
She led me into the apartment and gave me my first task; it wasn't about unpacking but rather about renovating, but okay. I grabbed the roller and happily painted the wall. I was so engrossed in my work that I didn't notice when the front door opened.
My attention was only caught when I heard Monika seemingly arguing with someone.
"What does he want here? I really don't feel like this crap."
"Fabi, sweetheart, I just met an old friend, and she offered that her son could help us. Maybe you two will get along; he should be your age."
"With him? Forget it. Mom, please, we can manage this on our own. We don't need him for that."
Oh, someone was in a great mood.
I just kept painting and pretended not to notice anything.
Wait! Fabi? New here? I had a suspicion...
"Fabian! That's enough! It's time we finish here. Now go inside; Theodor is in the living room. Help him; I have to step out for a moment. We still need paint for your room."
With those words, the apartment door slammed shut.
"Even if my mother sees it differently, we don't need your help. So just go, okay?"
I could tell that he was trying to sound tough, but there was a bit of sadness in his voice. Since I had decided to give him another chance, I tried to talk to him.
"Fabian, I really have no idea what you have against me or the others in our class. Did we do something to you? We actually just wanted you as a friend..."
"Pah! Friends. I don't need anyone, got it?! Get lost or..."
"Or you do something?"
Now I was getting angry.
"Hello? I mean you no harm, I just wanted to be your friend. Don't snap at me like that, damn it. I don't need this. I'll finish my work here and only leave when your mother sends me away. Otherwise, I'll get into trouble with mine, and I really want to avoid that right now. Is that understood?"
Wow, I must have hit the right note. Fabian pressed his lips together and went into the kitchen without a word. I could hear him muttering under his breath.
Monika came back an hour later and was totally amazed. I had finished painting the living room and had already started cleaning the floor of paint splatters. I was satisfied with my work, and she seemed to feel the same. She beamed at me and hugged me. Yes, she hugged me; it was no longer just a hug, it was hardcore cuddling.
Fabian seemed to have finished in the kitchen as well, and she asked us if we wanted to paint his room together. I was about to agree when Fabian had another outburst.
"NO! This is my room, I'm doing this alone, do you hear me? He needs to get lost already."
In that moment, I would have preferred to sink into the ground or run away screaming. Not because Fabian thought he had to put on some kind of show, no, but rather because of Monika's reaction to it.
She hit him. He held his cheek, and you could see he was fighting back tears. Then he turned around and ran out of the apartment.
I stood there not knowing what to do. Damn it. I looked down in shame and wished for a hole to open up so I could disappear in it... But unfortunately, nothing like that happened. It just wasn't my day today. Of course.
"Oh crap... what have I done... Theodor, I... I didn't mean to."
Monika dropped to the floor and covered her face with her hands. I could understand her to some extent—even though I really didn't believe in hitting. Especially in parenting, one should rather resort to words... Man, now I sound grown-up, right? Haha.
So I went to Monika and placed my hand on her shoulder. Since I didn't know what to say, I remained silent for a few minutes.
Then she seemed to have calmed down enough and asked if I wanted to have a coffee with her.
Now we were sitting on the floor sipping coffee; she had apologized at least 100 times in the last 20 minutes for me having to witness that. She hadn't wanted that, but the stress of the past months had just become too much for her at that moment... She promised to apologize to Fabian later and vowed it would never happen again. I just nodded and shifted the topic in another direction.
"Should we continue painting or should I just go?"
"I can't ask you to stay after what I've done."
"Oh come on, it's fine. So where do we go from here?"
We painted the hallway together and then stood in Fabian's room.
"Fabian has his sketches somewhere in here... he has very specific ideas about how he wants his room to look..."
She handed me some papers, and I was amazed. The drawings were great; I mean, they only depicted the room's walls, the bed, and the wardrobe. The designs he had planned for the walls were simply fantastic.
They were supposed to represent manga characters, a boy and a girl, and from them, black floral vines were to stretch throughout the room.
The background was gray; it seemed Fabian had already painted that. But it wasn't a dull gray. It somehow radiated warmth. Can gray radiate warmth? Didn't our art teacher say that gray was a cold color?
I grabbed a pencil and started painting the image in my hands on the wall. It wasn't as easy as I first thought, but after an hour, I had the couple and part of the vines on the wall.
In the meantime, Monika was tidying up around the apartment; every few minutes, she came over to watch me work. I became so engrossed that I didn't even notice her anymore.
Half an hour later, I was already finished with the vines and grabbed a brush. Very carefully, I traced the outlines of the boy. Just as I was about to start on the girl, Fabian stood in front of me. In my shock, I stumbled over the paint bucket. Luckily, it was still so full that it didn't tip over with the little shove.
Fabian stared thoughtfully at my work; I expected another lecture, but he remained silent.
Monika came back to us and asked if I would stay for dinner. It was only then that I noticed the time on my watch. Almost 7:30.
"Shit... no Monika, um... I'm invited to a party. But I have to go home first; I can't just leave like this."
"Too bad, Theodor, but if you already have something planned..."
"If you still need me, I'd be happy to come back tomorrow."
She sighed with relief.
"That would be great; our furniture is coming tomorrow, and we could indeed use a strong young man to help carry and set it up..."
"Alright, what time should I be there?"
"Would 10 o'clock be alright for you?"
I hesitated for a moment. 10 o'clock? That was still in the middle of the night. I usually NEVER got up before noon on weekends, and if I had been out the night before, it could even be after 2 PM... but I had offered my help, so I guess I had to go through with it. My own fault.
“Uh, yeah, all right, I’ll be there.”
I walked to the door and paused for a moment... Hmm, should I invite Fabian? After all, he was part of the class, and if he hadn’t acted so leave-me-alone, he would have been invited anyway.
“Hey Fabian, um... if you want, you can come too. I mean, Ella would have definitely invited you if... if she hadn’t been so stressed.”
“No thanks, not interested,” he said and disappeared.
At home, I immediately turned on the shower, grabbed some clean clothes, and got ready. Not that I was trying to look good; who was I trying to impress...
Lately, I often felt lonely. I didn’t mean that I had no or less contact with my friends. That wasn’t it. I was more longing for a boyfriend, for a relationship. I just had no idea how to change that. There was no gay club or gay café in our town, so where was I supposed to meet “like-minded” people? I once read that many can just feel whether the other person is gay too; either there wasn’t a single one in my vicinity, or my gay radar was simply broken.
Shortly after being late, I arrived at Ella's place; her parents let me in, and I trudged down the stairs to the party room. The closer I got, the louder the music became, and I could hear the chatter of others. The mood seemed to be quite lively.
I sat down at the bar (yes, there was even a proper, professional bar) and quickly downed a cola-beer.
Tino and Ben settled down next to me and drank their beer in one go, which made me suspect they wanted to get as drunk as possible as quickly as they could.
“Hey Theo, what’s up?”
Ben looked at me and tilted his head.
“You look like you got rejected... What’s the name of the girl?”
“Oh, you don’t know her.”
Are you going to say that I’m lying? Good catch. I didn’t even know what I had myself. So it was better to pretend that Ben was right with his assumption. Besides, it had been months since my last relationship, and the others were starting to get weird again, constantly saying I should get back into action...
If they only knew...
“Theo, Theo, Theo. It’s time for you to have some real fun. You’re 18, man, and still a virgin...”
Yeah, Tino always liked to add his two cents.
“Shut up, Tino, not everyone needs to hear that.”
Slowly but surely, my bad mood was coming through; I was just about to get up when Tino grabbed my arm and pulled me with him.
We stopped in front of a girl I didn’t know yet. Tino introduced her as Ella’s cousin Maggi, who was visiting for the weekend.
“So my dear, she’s only here this weekend and doesn’t want a relationship, I know that. Do something with it...”
I turned bright red and was clearly giving every tomato a run for its money...
Maggi seemed to be quite relaxed; she pulled me to the seating area and talked like a waterfall. I didn’t quite catch what she was saying; I dove into the endless depths of my thoughts and just nodded occasionally in agreement, hoping that it was appropriate at that moment.
It was only when it suddenly became quiet that I focused on the reason.
At first, I couldn’t see anything, but when I stood up, I saw what or who the others had gathered around. Fabian...
“Well, little one, did you miss us?”
“What’s he doing here?”
“Ella, did you invite him?”
“ME-?”
Ella came over to the others, gesticulating wildly, and even from a distance and in the poor lighting, you could tell she didn’t seem very pleased.
“What are you doing here? Huh? At school, you act like you’re better than everyone else, and now you just come into my house uninvited?”
“Ella, I invited him... I thought we could get to know him outside of school; today just wasn’t his day...”
“You’re disappointing me, Theo, but fine, if he doesn’t behave, he’s out. Last chance.”
With those words, she turned back around, and the others seemed to return to the party, leaving Fabian standing there.
He was just about to turn around and disappear, but that wasn’t how we played this game. I didn’t want to be the bad guy because he showed up and then made an exit without at least trying. I had a reputation to uphold.
“Hey... do you want something to drink?”
He seemed to have heard me and turned back in my direction.
Nodding silently, he followed me to the bar.
After asking for drinks, I got him a cola and myself another cola-beer. Just as I thought I might finally get him to say a word or two, someone else interrupted...
“Oh how cute, the little one drinks cola!”
Ella! Yes, it must be said that if you don’t want to drink alcohol at Ella’s, you automatically become a loser. So if you’ve been here often and want to take a night off from drinking, that’s okay, but not too often and certainly not the first time.
I throw Ella a nasty look and turn back to Fabian. However, he doesn’t seem to want my company anymore. Why? Because he has already gotten up and is moving towards the door. I want to follow him, but Maggi has already grabbed me again and is dragging me back to the seating area.
Before I can comprehend what’s happening, I have her tongue in my mouth and I’m kissing her. I don’t like it, but I know I have to keep my cover alive a bit longer. Officially, I’m heterosexual. And if Fabian doesn’t want to stay, that’s his problem.
By now, Maggi and I had arrived in Ella's room, and she was bustling around me as if there were no tomorrow. We were lying next to each other on the bed, and I was starting to feel scared. I couldn’t have sex with her; I wouldn’t be able to get it up … Fear spread relentlessly and became my only thought …
After a few minutes, I noticed that Maggi's movements were slowing down. At first, I didn’t think much of it until she suddenly became completely still. I spoke to her softly, but she didn’t respond. I carefully climbed over her – she was asleep. My God. I must be quite the stallion in bed if she just falls asleep like that.
In a split second, I considered what I should do. If she woke up like this, she would immediately know nothing had happened, and I would look like the biggest idiot. If she just falls asleep, that doesn’t look good for me.
I decided to carefully (and not without disgust) take off her blouse and skirt; I couldn’t bring myself to take off her panties, though.
I opened the condom package she had placed on the nightstand and stuffed the rubber into my pants. I put the empty package back on the table.
Hopefully, that was enough to make her believe something had happened.
The next morning, I showed up at Fabian and Monika's place right on time.
After I rang the bell, Monika opened the door for me kindly, just like yesterday. She offered me a coffee and mentioned that Fabian was still sleeping, but if he didn’t get up soon, she would wake him.
We were sitting in the kitchen when Fabian came out of his room in boxers and a T-shirt. He was not at all thrilled to see me …
“What do you want here? Didn’t you have enough fun yesterday?”
With a loud bang, the bathroom door slammed shut.
Monika and I looked at each other, confused.
“Did something happen yesterday?”
“No, yes … well, he came in and a few people made some stupid remarks. Nothing serious or anything. It was probably just because he wasn’t particularly talkative at school … And then he just left again …”
“Then I’d like to know where he was; he didn’t come home until after one …”
“Monika, just drop it, I mean, don’t bring it up. I think he already feels stupid enough about it. I’ll try to talk to him later …”
Monika sighed briefly but then gave in. Now I just had to make sure I had a few minutes alone with Fabian AND that he didn’t want to kill me right away. Why wouldn’t I want to understand – but his words and his look were clear.
Had I done something wrong? No … I talked to him and had a drink. I wasn’t really responsible for his disappearance.
While Fabian was still in the bathroom, I helped Monika unpack some boxes. I noticed a framed picture, showing Monika, Fabian, and two people I didn’t know. One seemed to be the father, and the other maybe his brother? I guessed that the picture wasn’t too old. At least Fabian and Monika hadn’t changed. It was probably not easy for Fabian to be separated from his brother; in the picture, it seemed like they got along very well.
I hadn’t noticed that Fabian had come out of the bathroom and was already standing behind me.
“Give that here,” he snapped at me, and I almost dropped the picture in shock. I handed it to him and could see a slight shimmer of moisture in his eyes. He quickly turned away and put the picture in the cupboard.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so nosy. I just thought you looked very happy in the picture …”
I actually expected that Fabian would lash out at me now, shout at me, but nothing of the sort happened.
He was still facing away from me and shrugged his shoulders.
“Partially, yes …”
His voice trembled. I got up and went to him; even though I only saw him in profile, I could clearly see the tears running down his cheeks.
Slowly and almost cautiously, I placed a hand on his shoulder.
“You miss your brother a lot, don’t you?”
He abruptly turned around, and I saw his desperate face. More and more tears streamed down his cheeks.
Suddenly, without saying anything, he wrapped his arms around me and pressed his whole body against mine. I felt the tears soaking through my shirt and felt his body shaking.
I held him tighter and gently stroked his back, no idea how long we stood there until he slowly pulled away from me.
He looked down, and his quiet sobbing was the only thing heard in that moment.
“You can’t imagine how much I miss him …”
"But you can visit each other... or is your father and he living very far away?"
It didn't seem to be the right question; he dashed out of the living room, and I only heard him slam his bedroom door behind him.
Confused and thoughtful, I looked towards the door.
I only returned to reality when Monika stood in the doorframe. Her expression was twisted with pain, and suddenly I felt the need to apologize. I must have done something wrong, the way he had run away.
"I'm sorry, I... I must have done everything wrong... Maybe I should go."
I didn't dare to look Monika in the face, but she didn't seem angry with me, as I gathered from her tone and response.
"No, please believe me. You did nothing wrong. You couldn't know what you said... Come, let's have a coffee together. I'll briefly tell you what happened..."
With a queasy feeling, we sat down and each sipped our coffee, lost in thought.
"Fabian doesn't seem to have told you anything about his past so far, has he?"
"No, not so far," I replied truthfully. "Are you sure he’s okay with you telling me something about it? I wouldn’t want him to be even angrier with me afterward..."
"Theo, since the events have unfolded, Fabian is not the same anymore. He doesn't talk, shuts himself off, and doesn't let anyone – myself included – get close to him. I don't know what to do anymore. When he hugged you just now, I was totally surprised. He hasn't let anyone so close to him in months... I hope you might want to help me understand him, that you’re just a friend to him..."
I had to swallow; apparently, there was a lot that made him behave this way...
"Yes... well, of course. I mean, I wanted to bring him into the group from the very beginning. I would like to be a friend to him..."
Monika nodded, took a big sip of her coffee, and took a deep breath.
"Everything kind of started six months ago. My husband... ex-husband and I fought a lot. Things just weren't working between us anymore. The kids, Fabian and Hendrik, suffered a lot. The two of them have always been like two peas in a pod; they did everything together and were always the best of friends. This time brought them even closer together. They gave each other the support we couldn’t provide because we were too busy with our fights to notice.
When a school party was approaching, my ex-husband wanted to talk to the two of them, a man-to-man conversation. You know how it is..."
At her last words, she had to smile.
"I was in the kitchen and heard wild yelling. When I wanted to head to the living room, I already heard the front door slam. My husband yelled that they should never show their faces here again... I couldn't get out of him what had happened; he grabbed the car and just drove away. I waited for hours, but no one came back. Neither the kids nor my husband. At that moment, I regretted that I had always denied the kids a cell phone."
She lowered her head and began to sob.
I didn't know what to say or do now. Carefully, I placed my hand on her arm and just looked at her silently.
"At 10 PM, there was a knock at the door. When I saw the two officers standing in front of me, I was so afraid of what they would tell me...
They had to inform me that Fabian and Hendrik had an accident; they apparently ran a red light and were hit by a very fast sports car..."
Again, she paused and wiped her tears from her face with trembling hands... I was so tense, angry, and sad that I simply didn't know what I should do now.
I reached for my cigarettes and looked at Monika questioningly. She nodded silently and pointed to the small kitchen window. After I opened the window, I stood there and lit a cigarette. Monika gestured for me to sit back down with her. I fell back into my chair and placed my pack on the table. Monika took one of my cigarettes and stared blankly at the makeshift ashtray on the table for minutes.
"When I arrived at the hospital, I had to wait a long time until finally a doctor came to me. He told me that Fabian and Hendrik had a serious accident; they had to operate on Hendrik for hours, and it was uncertain whether he would survive the night. He had severe internal injuries and a skull fracture. Fabian was luckier; he also had to be operated on, but the doctor said he made it. His injuries were only half as bad... For the next few hours, I sat alternately at both of their beds, praying that they would make it. At 6:22 AM, Hendrik died..."
I wrapped my arms around Monika, just like I had with Fabian before. We simply held onto each other and allowed our feelings to flow. It must be the worst thing one could experience. No one should have to outlive their children... My mother had always said that too... now I finally understood what she meant.
"Hendrik's death was terrible for all of us, although in hindsight I know my husband was just putting on a show for us. Since that day, Fabian has hardly spoken a word to us; my husband even completely ignored him, and neither of them has wanted to tell me to this day what the conversation was about and why they both ran away. Theo, would you go to him and keep him company? I'll quickly grab us something to eat from the snack bar around the corner."
"Sure, I'll... at least try."
As I stood in front of his door, I felt uneasy. I knocked softly and waited for a response. Even after what felt like 5 minutes, there was no answer. I slowly opened the door and peered through the small crack. I could see him immediately; he was lying on the bed, his head buried in the pillow. I cautiously approached his bed and cleared my throat quietly.
"Hey, may I...?" I gestured towards the bed, fully aware that he couldn't see my gesture since his head was still buried in the pillow.
After a brief sniffle, he lifted his head slightly and nodded. His eyes were red and slightly swollen from crying. He looked so worn out, understandably, and I felt the urge to hold him in my arms again. I couldn't bear to see him like this. Even though we hadn't really built a friendship yet, I felt very connected to him.
I let myself fall beside him on the bed and looked at him uncertainly. Neither of us said a word; it was only when he started crying again that I knew what I had to do. I took him back in my arms, and soon we were cuddled closely together on the bed. When he had calmed down again, he gently pushed me away and sat up.
"You don't have to do this..."
"What don't I have to do?"
"Well, be here..."
I couldn't help but laugh a little, and he looked at me with big, fearful eyes.
"Hey, it's all good. I mean, I want to be here. I like you, and even though we hardly know each other, I can't stand it when you're so... so sad..."
The more I spoke, the quieter my voice became.
"Even when I was so mean to you?" He didn't seem to fully believe me, but there was hope in his face. He definitely wanted friends to be with, where he could feel safe and understood. Who wouldn't want that?
"Sure, I was angry that you were so distant; we just wanted to be nice when you came to us... But now... now I understand you; you've really had to go through a lot, then the move, away from everything familiar. You don't have to feel uncomfortable about it; I probably wouldn't have offered my friendship to just anyone right away either."
"Do you want to be my friend?" His voice seemed to tremble again; it was probably very hard for him to ask me that.
"Definitely," I whispered and hugged him briefly.
Shortly after, Monika returned with the food; we ate together in silence, and when we were done, I actually wanted to head home. When I said this, Fabian looked at me sadly.
I decided to ask him if he wanted to come over tomorrow, Sunday. Maybe we could do homework together... He nodded silently and looked at his empty plate. Monika smiled at me.
I spent the rest of Saturday thinking more or less about Fabian and Monika. I felt so sorry for them; I didn't know how I could help them.
Fabian had really gone through a big transformation that day. When I thought about his behavior before and then from the moment in the living room...
Hopefully, he would come tomorrow. I already missed him a lot.
That night, I had a rather strange dream. Well, strange is not quite the right word. I had a hot dream, yes, an erotic dream... about Fabian...
I was still lying in bed, slightly panting and confused... Had I developed a little crush on Fabian? Or was it just a dream that happened to have Fabian's face? Okay, I knew what it was... I felt drawn to him; I had already noticed that yesterday... but it was so new... I had never had a boyfriend and didn't know what I should do now. If I were to reveal my feelings to him... then there were several possibilities... he would laugh and tell everyone that I was a faggot... he would tell me that he was straight and couldn't have a friendship because of my feelings. Or he was straight and wanted to try a friendship anyway... Or he was also gay, but I wasn't his type... yes, or he just happened to be gay and would want me too...
But the chances that he didn't want anything to do with me were simply greater...
I tried to push the thought aside and decided to take a shower first. The sperm was still stuck in my shorts, and I didn't feel like waiting for it to dry.
The shower felt incredible; I just stood there for ages, letting the hot water run over my body. Yes, I'm a warm showerer... problems with that?
Then I went to the kitchen, where my parents were still sitting at the table reading the newspaper.
"Good morning, Theodor," came the chorus, and I hoped no one could see that my thoughts were far away. After a brief "good morning" from me, I grabbed my cup and slurped my coffee lost in thought.
"Since when do you drink coffee, my son?" boomed my father to my left.
"Um... for a while now..."
"Oh my son, you are slowly growing up... tell me, do you have a girlfriend at the moment?"
Oh yes, THAT was the topic I wanted to discuss... wonderful.
"No, not right now," I mumbled softly into my cup, hoping he would let the conversation rest.
"Too bad, but I'm sure you'll find one soon. Relationships are getting more serious at your age..."
I didn't want to listen to any more of that, so I stood up and said goodbye, claiming that Fabian wanted to come over to study. I still had to tidy up a bit for that...
The statement seemed to suffice for them, and without another comment, they let me go to my room.
I spent most of the early afternoon tidying up my room a bit more and listening to music. I thought it looked presentable now.
The fear that Fabian wouldn't come began to rise within me. We hadn't agreed on a time either. Damn. So now I could just wait until he arrived. Nothing more.
At lunchtime, I took my food to my room; I didn't feel like dealing with my parents and conversations like this morning...
At some point, I fell asleep on my bed again, and it was only when there was a knock at the door that I jolted awake from my nap...
"Yes?" I barely managed to say.
"Oh hey, um... am I interrupting?"
Fabian looked at me, and suddenly I was wide awake.
"Nonsense, no, come in, have a seat. I just dozed off again..."
And while Fabian settled into my chair, I quickly ran my fingers through my hair... God, I must have looked terrible. Unfortunately, I had the habit of sleeping restlessly, and I usually looked the part...
We diligently occupied ourselves with our homework, and after 1.5 hours, we were done with it.
We packed our school things away and decided to play a bit on my computer. I only had "kids' games," as Tino always used to say, but I thought The Sims was great; I could spend hours on it.
He looked at my other games but then also chose The Sims, and before we knew it, it was dark outside, and my mother came into the room...
"Oh, hello Fabian, you're still here?"
"Shit, what time is it?"
"Half past eight," my mother said, adding in the same breath, "but you can't ride home now, get dressed quickly, I'll take you home..."
Fabian grabbed his backpack and was about to head for the door when I realized it!
He couldn't go home; I didn't want him to leave now. I enjoyed his presence, even if it was only purely platonic - on his part.
"Mom, can't he stay here for the night? He has his school things with him, and we can go to school together tomorrow..."
A hesitant look at Fabian - I was so bold as to not even ask him if he actually wanted to stay here.
Fabian nodded briefly. He didn't look particularly enthusiastic, but a nod was a nod - right?
"Don't you have gym tomorrow?" my mother interrupted with the sweetest look, and suddenly I felt really bad. Right. Gym... my favorite subject...
"Then you need to find some sports clothes for Fabian; I don't want him to get in trouble. And you, my little friend, if you're not at gym tomorrow, there will be consequences..." she said and left the room. From the hallway, I heard her call, "Fabian, I'll call your mother. If you're still hungry, there's food in the kitchen."
I didn't dare to look at Fabian; I didn't know if he had only agreed because I had caught him off guard or if he really wanted to.
He probably hated me now... wouldn't be surprising.
I don't know how long I stood there wishing to be anywhere else in the world. I suddenly felt that Fabian was standing next to me and had placed a hand on my shoulder.
I quickly shrugged it off, walked into the hallway, and mumbled something that sounded like "let's eat."
The meal was rather silent; I stared at my plate and poked around disinterestedly. Fabian seemed to notice my mood and addressed me about it.
"Did I do something wrong?" he asked very quietly, and his eyes reflected fear and despair.
Great job, Theo, now he's in a bad mood because you're being stupid. A real blockbuster.
Without lifting my gaze from the plate even a millimeter, I replied.
"No, it's not you. Tomorrow is gym, and I..."
"Hmm, I would have thought of you as athletic..." Fabian's words hit the mark. Yes, I was athletic, and I would like to participate in class. But unfortunately, there was also a part of my body that didn't behave well under the sight of wet, same-sex bodies in the shower...
It was clear it was only a matter of time before everything would catch up with me, but did it have to happen right now? I was scared as hell. Probably everyone would make fun of me, including Fabian, and then I would be all alone...
And just because Fabian definitely went to take a shower, the inevitable would happen. Even if I didn’t intend to look at him, just the thought that he was naked under the shower not far from me, spreading shower gel over his beautiful body... then it would be too late.
Not going to shower after sports was also out of the question. After all, we often met at the café afterwards, or on the other day when we had sports, we still had classes afterwards. Not showering fell under the category of "impossible."
"... and what?" I hadn’t even realized that I had sunk back into my thoughts, and Fabian was still looking at me expectantly for an answer...
“Um, yeah. Nothing, just forget it. Let’s go back upstairs...” With those words, I stood up and neatly placed my plate in the sink.
I felt sick; I was afraid of sports, hated myself for being gay – it only brought problems.
Now I would rather be alone, without Fabian. Then I could wallow in self-pity and cry myself to sleep. Maybe I’m a crybaby, that might be true, but since I had no one else to talk to, I had to find another outlet. Most of the time, that meant I found myself sniffling in my bed...
We spent the rest of the evening watching TV, and what I liked best was that it was WITHOUT conversations. I wasn’t in the mood to talk...
Around 10 PM, Fabian started yawning, and I suggested he change into pajamas; I had already laid out suitable sleepwear for him, consisting of shorts and a T-shirt. He nodded and slowly sneaked into the bathroom.
I would have to pull myself together soon. After all, I had only one bed. Although it was not too small at 1.40 meters wide, well, I would still be lying right next to him. Breathing in his scent, feeling his warmth... seeing him so close to me... hopefully, I wouldn’t be tempted to touch him... The desire for that was immense. I wanted to pull him to me and never let go...
When Fabian came back, I quickly disappeared into the bathroom. I took an eternity until I finally decided that I couldn’t spend the whole night in there.
Fabian was already lying in bed, pulling the blanket up to his chin. He looked at me shyly, and with a sigh, I let myself fall onto the bed next to him and pulled the blanket up to my chin as well.
“Can I ask you something, Theo?”
“Hmm?”
“I don’t know what’s going on with you, but you’d better tell me; I can’t stand knowing something’s up but no one says anything.”
I had to laugh briefly... “The right person is saying that.”
“Yeah, well, I wasn’t any better, but just because you know what it’s like...”
“It’s nothing, okay? I’m tired, let’s sleep... Good night.” With those words, I closed my eyes and turned a bit to the side. Better to look at the stupid wall than into his eyes... Now he probably hated me – I had messed everything up again.
But when my mother started with sports, all my positive energy had flown away as if by magic... then I saw only problems in everything.
I couldn’t fall asleep; I was sure Fabian had been asleep for at least half an hour. But then I heard a soft sobbing... Fabian was crying?
Shit, and it was my fault. He shouldn’t be crying; I couldn’t bear to see or hear him like that.
I waited a moment, hoping he would stop, but he didn’t; he even started shaking. What was I supposed to do now?
No matter how hard I tried to fight the feeling inside me, I failed. Carefully, so as not to startle him, I turned to him and wrapped my arms around his body. I pulled him close to me and pressed him against me. I could feel the warmth radiating from him, his scent filled my nose, and I cuddled my head against his shoulder.
Fabian remained completely still; he didn’t move an inch, and his shaking stopped the moment I hugged him, and the sobbing fell silent a few moments later.
Shortly after that, my eyes closed, and we fell asleep tightly cuddled together.
“Oh shit,” I thought after my brain resumed its function shortly after I woke up. What I felt was, on one hand, beautiful. Fabian and I were still exactly as before – tightly cuddled together. He held my hand in his... Huh? Okay, that was new. But surely just a coincidence... so better not think about it too much... even though it felt so good... feeling his delicate hands in mine...
“Oh damn,” now I had to act. As if it wasn’t enough that I seemed to have had a wet dream at night, now my manhood was pressing powerfully against Fabian’s backside. And in my opinion, this was not just a morning erection.
If Fabian woke up now... that would be so embarrassing. He would surely scream and run away...
Carefully, I released my embrace of Fabian and pulled the blanket back on my side. Slowly, I crawled out of bed and tiptoed out of the room in the dark.
Once in the bathroom, I locked the door behind me twice for safety.
Now there was only one thing left to do... get out of the sticky underwear, into the shower... and?
Yes, of course I had to take care of my now demanding erection. Moaning, I leaned against the wall and let the warm water run over my body while I stroked myself... Fabian's face appeared before my eyes, I felt his breath on my neck, his hands caressed me and I... I completely surrendered to these illusions.
Something was different; when I usually masturbated (which I did often and gladly—I didn’t have any other outlet), the arousal was obviously there, but this time... I had to almost hold on to not lose my footing.
When I came, I couldn't hold back; I moaned loudly again and again, hoping that no one would hear me.
After I finished showering, I quickly slipped into my clothes and went down to the kitchen to make breakfast for us. My mother had left for work earlier today, so I had this dignified task to do alone.
I brewed coffee and quickly baked some rolls. Together with jam and butter, I placed everything on a tray and carried it to my room.
Carefully, I set the tray on the table and raised the blind.
I thought Fabian would still be asleep, but instead, he looked at me. His gaze revealed that he had been awake for a while.
Slowly, I sat down on the back edge of the bed and began with what I urgently needed to get off my chest if I wanted to keep Fabian as a friend.
"About yesterday... I was an idiot, I'm sorry..."
"Yes, you were," Fabian's voice trembled, and his gaze averted mine.
"You should have told me what you had; I can't help it... right?"
But you can! YOU alone are to blame... well, at least a little for my emotional chaos... for the rest, of course, he couldn't do anything.
"No, no... It's just, I can't tell you... but please, don't think that it's your fault... Maybe I need more time to tell you..."
"So we're still friends?" Fabian's voice had taken on a cheerful tone, and his eyes sparkled.
"Of course," I said, extending my hand to him.
At breakfast, everything was forgotten; we chatted and almost forgot that we still had to go to school.
At school, we were scrutinized by the others; they still didn't seem to like that I was trying to integrate Fabian a bit.
Just before we reached our clique, Fabian wanted to take a different route. But I held him back and looked at him. "Hey, it'll be fine," I whispered softly, and we joined the others.
The first to regain his voice was Ben. "Morning, Theo, morning, Fabian!"
Fabian looked a bit surprised by this nice gesture but nodded kindly in Ben's direction.
"Is he going to hang out with you all the time now?"
Tino showed no signs of being friendly towards Fabian again.
Before Fabian could retreat, I quickly countered Tino.
"Come on, Tino, let it go. He just had a bad day. Can't you just try to start over?"
"Pah, Theo! He doesn't fit in with us. Accept that."
"And why not? Give me one reason!" If he already had a problem with him, then I at least wanted to know why.
But instead of an answer, Tino turned around and muttered something that sounded like he wanted to put me in a position to choose. Him or Fabian!
GREAT, just what I wanted. God, couldn’t everything just go smoothly for once?
Ben tried to save the mood and put his hand on Fabian's shoulder.
"Hey Fabian, I admit, the start wasn't exactly successful, but I think we can manage it. Hm? I would definitely be happy if we became friends... And don’t worry about the others; it’ll be fine, and we’re still here."
Fabian nodded and seemed to relax a bit; together we walked toward the classroom, and only on the way did I realize that I hadn’t asked about the party yet.
Had Maggi said anything about me? After all, we hadn’t had sex... and I was afraid someone might find out that I was gay...
In class, I wrote Ben a note.
Me: Hey, how was the party?
Ben: Yeah, just like always.
Thanks, Ben, I actually wanted an answer that I could write more than just "uh-huh."
Me: It was pretty lame of Tino; Fabian was really upset. Did Maggi say anything?
Ben: Definitely. No idea what his problems are right now. He’s been acting all weird with me too, as it suits him... but I tell you, not like this; I don’t need that. Nope, I haven’t seen Maggi anymore... why, was there something?
Me: No, it’s okay. Just thought. Yeah, let’s see what Tino does next. Maybe we should both talk to him?
Ben: I think we should give him that chance. Ask him if he wants to go for a drink later. But we shouldn’t take Fabian with us...
Me: Sure. Alright, I’ll ask him and let you know.
Ben: Sounds good.
During the breaks, Tino consciously kept his distance from us. We, not just Ben, Fabian, Ella, Sarah (a friend of Ella), and I, wondered what problems Tino might be having at the moment. He had changed noticeably, but we only really noticed it now. Our guilty conscience kicked in intensely; why hadn’t we noticed it sooner? Was he angry with us for not realizing he was struggling? Why had he never confided in us? Were we such terrible friends?
I briefly held Tino back when he wanted to enter the classroom. Later, I told Ben that Tino initially had no desire to go out for drinks with us; only when I mentioned that Fabian wouldn’t be coming did he agree.
Since he had to go to training later in the afternoon (he had been doing judo for years), he preferred to meet with me or Ben. He didn’t say why not at his place, which would have been theoretically better and especially more practical since Tino lived closest to the training hall. Well, since we were just glad he wanted to meet at all, we agreed and didn’t initially ask for the reason.
My prayers were answered; the sports class was canceled, and we could start our well-deserved evening earlier.
However, I probably wouldn’t be so lucky next time. But I didn’t want to worry about that just yet.
In the afternoon, we were sitting in Ben’s room waiting for Tino. He was supposed to be there by 2:30. By now, it was past three, and there was no sign of Tino. We decided to wait until 3:30.
Just as I was about to head home, the doorbell rang. A rather tired and slightly disoriented-looking Tino stood before us. At first, we wanted to give him a hard time for making us wait. Tino usually never arrived late; he had always been reliable. So, we reached an agreement—without words. Besides, he looked pitiful, so we held off on big words—for now.
We guided him into Ben’s room, and Tino stood around a bit uncertainly. Ben and I sat back down on the bed, so Tino had to take a seat on the desk chair for lack of space.
Even after five minutes, Tino seemed to have not regained his voice; he continued to stare silently at his hands, seemingly waiting for us to start the conversation.
“Tino,” I began the conversation we hoped so much for, “we’ve noticed that you’ve changed a lot lately. You’re avoiding us, and if I may say so, there used to be more friendliness from you…”
Now it seemed Tino was mentally back in our sphere; at least he suddenly lifted his gaze and stared at us.
“I don’t know that I’m behaving any differently, and if that’s all there is, then I’ll leave now. I don’t have time for this.”
With those words, he stood up and walked toward the door.
“Come on, Tino, what’s wrong? We don’t mean any harm. We’re your friends…”
Ben had gotten up and stepped within two paces of Tino.
“Pah, friends?” With those words, the door slammed shut with a loud bang, and shortly after, the same sounds were heard from the front door.
Silently and without another word, we were left alone, but we were sure the other had the same thought. Had Tino ended our friendship because we were worried about him? Was it really so wrong of us?
At 4:30, I said goodbye; I needed to think. Tino had been one of my best friends for years. What was wrong with him? Why was he changing—for the worse?
That evening, I unfortunately couldn’t come up with a reasonable explanation and fell into a restless sleep. Even the next morning, my thoughts revolved around the previous afternoon. It got to the point where I almost forgot my feelings for Fabian. Unfortunately, only almost.
Because as soon as I saw him standing on the schoolyard, my heart started pounding wildly.
“Morning,” Fabian called to me from some distance away.
“Morning,” I mumbled to myself, into my nonexistent beard.
Fabian stood nervously next to me, but before I could ask what was wrong, I remembered that he didn’t yet know what had happened in yesterday’s conversation.
So, I briefly told him what had happened and that we were now quite puzzled about Tino. He was our friend, and we didn’t want to just write him off. Fortunately, Fabian understood and hoped that we would have more success soon. Unfortunately, he couldn’t help us himself; he seemed to regret that.
Throughout the school day, we had no chance to talk to Tino in peace, so we postponed it until the end of class. We wanted to catch him before he had the chance to head home…
Tino seemed to sense that we wanted to talk to him again. After class, he quickly disappeared among the crowd of students pushing toward the exit…
We had no chance of catching him.
On the way home, I took my time; there was nothing special going on today. My mother would come home from work later, and everyone in the group already had plans.
My thoughts kept drifting back to Tino... what was wrong with him? Why was he so distant? Had we done something to him? Was it because of Fabian? After all, his behavior started with him... at least almost simultaneously...
But Fabian really hadn't done anything to him... and Tino didn't need to be jealous... so what was it then?
I couldn't make any progress with my thoughts all afternoon. So, I decided late in the afternoon to distract myself a bit. I strolled through the city and thought about whether I should just buy something. Just as a distraction... but what?
As I wandered through the aisles of the CD shop, my gaze kept wandering around. Not because I was looking for something or someone—just like that.
My gaze stopped on Tino, who was not in the shop like me but on the opposite side of the street, but I recognized him immediately.
I went to the window and looked over at him; he apparently couldn't see me, as he looked in my direction several times without showing any reaction...
It seemed like he was waiting for someone. A few moments later, a car pulled up right next to him, and a woman got out—I could immediately identify her as his mother. Together, they entered the building where Tino had been waiting...
I put my CD selection back and went to the building.
Hmm, there were several doctors here... a dermatologist, a gynecologist, and a psychological practice. My brain immediately started creating reasons for their visit here—together with his mother (!)—to see a doctor. The gynecologist was out of the question; why would an adult woman take her son to a gynecologist? I didn't find the dermatologist very convincing either, especially since I knew Tino had one outside of town. But a psychologist? Well, he hadn't been quite himself lately... but did that mean he had to see a psychologist? Did his mother see it that way? Or was there a reason we didn't know about yet?
Since I didn't want Tino to see me here or think I was spying on him, I decided to go home. I wasn't in the mood for shopping anymore.
The next morning at school, I pulled Ben and Fabian aside. Even though it wasn't our business and I theoretically shouldn't have known, I had to talk to them. We needed to discuss what we should do now.
After I told them what I had seen, silence fell.
Ben was the first to find his voice again...
"I really have no idea how, but we need to talk to him again... something's going on, and he can't convince me that he doesn't like us anymore... he needs us. Why is the donkey so stubborn and won't come to us? I always thought we were such good friends?"
I felt the same way. We had always told each other everything. Well, maybe not always all at once, but at least we had always confided in someone...
And that wasn't happening this time... why?
"I'll catch him later; we have a similar way home."
"Mhm, okay Theo. Call me if you find out anything new, okay?"
"Sure, Ben, I will."
Fabian had been standing next to us indecisively the whole time. He probably didn't dare to say anything. He still seemed to feel a bit uncomfortable when it came to Tino. Of course, Tino hadn't been particularly nice to him... so who could blame him?
But I didn't want him to feel excluded, so I wanted to include him. Even if he might not be able or willing to contribute.
Fabian... yes, there was my next problem...
Now that he was slowly thawing... slowly but surely... my heart was falling more and more in love. And that was damn wrong... I shouldn't be doing this... no, in the end, I would suffer. There was simply no such thing as happiness in love in my vocabulary... I preferred to always expect the worst rather than being disappointed later just because I had gone into something with hope...
I asked Fabian if he wanted to come over to my place after school, but he apparently had to go home immediately... if I wanted, I could come to him after 4 PM...
I was just about to agree when Ben expressed his interest in joining us as well.
No, I had nothing against spending time with both of them, but there was first the thought of Fabian. Was he okay with that? He was already embarrassed about the apartment. And I was sure he wouldn’t want it. Since he made no move to respond, I quickly jumped in for him...
"Not today, Ben, we need to work a bit on the picture on his bedroom wall, and you would just disturb us. But how about we do something together this weekend? Maybe we'll be lucky, and Tino will have gotten himself together by then..."
Including Tino might not have been the best idea... but I wanted to avoid pushing something on Fabian for now, and he might withdraw even more into his shell like he had at the beginning...
Well, and basically, it was also possible that Tino would be back with us... so...
"Hm, too bad, but the weekend sounds good. I'll think of something, okay?"
"Sure, do that. So, I think we have to... Math doesn't wait for us..." I shouted as I noticed that class had already started. The bell was probably broken today; at least I hadn't heard it, and apparently neither had the others...
After the last class, I tried hard not to lose sight of Tino in the crowd... I followed him discreetly for half of his way home, then I accelerated and positioned myself with my bike across the sidewalk in front of him.
"Are you crazy? Get out of my way."
Yeah, I immediately noticed that Tino wasn't too thrilled to see me... but I didn't expect anything else.
"Tino, please... I need to talk to you... Just give me a chance..."
"Just leave me alone, okay? I don't need you..."
Even though he probably didn't mean it intentionally, I was firmly convinced that his voice had a slight, shaky undertone. Slight, but present... or was I mistaken?
"No, Tino. You are my friend, and I want to know what's going on. I won't leave you alone until I do. And neither will Ben, you can believe that...!"
Tino seemed to be trying to maintain his facade, but I could almost see it slowly cracking... now it was time not to back down, but to stay on the ball...
"Five minutes - and not longer," he muttered quietly and turned back toward his way home...
"Five minutes from now or starting when we get to your place?"
"At my place."
Yeah, even with a few words, you could communicate. I thought it was best to just stay quiet... I couldn't afford to annoy him now.
When we arrived at his place, things started to get interesting... As soon as he had the key in the door, it was ripped open, and his angry mother stepped out.
"Where have you been? Have you been dawdling again? We need to leave in 20 minutes, get changed. And... WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?"
"Shit... Mom, it's not what you think... please... let..."
"Theodor Weber, get off our property immediately, and if I see you near my son again, you’ll regret it..."
Completely stunned, I stumbled backward to get to safety. Man, she was really furious, but what had I done? I couldn't remember for the life of me...
Tino seemed to make one last attempt to calm his mother down, but I only caught how she dragged him into the house. What the hell was that? What was going on here?
I stumbled a few meters down the street; driving was out of the question. I would have ended up in the next fence... or worse.
I just couldn't grasp what "that" had just been...
As I passed a phone booth, I parked my bike and decided to call home briefly. I could still stop by Ben's before heading to Fabian's. Going home didn't really make sense, and besides, I urgently needed to talk to someone about it... my mind just couldn't comprehend what had happened...
"Crazy, but I just don't get why?"
Ben was just as confused as I was; I had to explain the situation to him twice before he was ready to believe what had happened...
"Well, I thought you were going to tell me now..."
"I mean, none of us did anything to him, none. And certainly nothing that would make his mother angry..."
"Ben, we need to find out what's going on. This can't go on. Something like this shouldn't just be left hanging..."
Our conversation dragged on for a long time, but we didn't come to any conclusions.
Except that we had to talk to him again as soon as possible... Tomorrow at school, we would take him aside... come what may.
When I rang the bell at Fabian's, it was already well past 5 o'clock. I hadn't even noticed how quickly the time had passed at Ben's...
Hopefully, Fabian wasn't mad that I was so late... I hadn't thought about him much all afternoon – but I certainly missed him like crazy.
It was just something completely different to be alone with him... than when x students were bustling around us. I wanted to get to know the real Fabian, everything about him.
I even thought a little that even if he wasn't gay... he might be a bit bi, right?
Panting, I dragged myself up the last steps when I saw Fabian standing at the apartment door. His face told me that he wasn't too pleased to see me. Or to see me just now...
Attack is the best defense...
"Hi, sorry I'm just now arriving. I was at Ben's... things didn't go as expected with Tino, and we had to discuss it first... sorry..."
His facial expression became a bit friendlier; together we stepped into the apartment and settled down on the sofa in the living room...
"That's okay, I just thought maybe you didn't want to come anymore or something..."
His look clearly showed his insecurity.
"Hey, no, really not. I would have definitely contacted you otherwise... I would never just stand you up..."
Without saying anything, Fabian got up and went into the kitchen. I heard him handling glasses and quietly talking to himself.
I got up and went into his room; I wanted to see how far he had come with the picture on the wall. After all, I had contributed my part and had a right to see the result.
He didn't seem to be completely finished yet; the vines around the picture were only about 2/3 done. What caught my eye even more, however, was one of the two figures. I had definitely given the female figure some "curves" in my sketches on the wall, right? In other words, "breasts." Well, not particularly huge, but still visible... Now it seemed more like Fabian had completely left them out...
A part of my heart jumped excitedly in a triangle... A woman without breasts... could also be a man. And if these were two men... NO, that would be too beautiful. Maybe Fabian is gay after all? The other part of my heart trembled; maybe there was just a simple explanation for it?
I hadn't noticed how Fabian had quietly joined me.
"Nice picture, it looks great, almost finished..."
"Do you think so? So... you really like it?"
He didn't seem to really believe me, so I made an extra effort.
"Of course, the two make a very nice couple, and they look so... familiar with each other."
Now I might find out if these were really two guys...
A bit embarrassed, Fabian was no longer looking at me but at the picture... he seemed to be searching for the right words...
"Yeah, I think so too..." he whispered barely audibly.
DAMN, he could have said a bit more... now I had to come up with something quickly...
"Or are they not a couple? After all... these are two men, right?"
I felt a bit annoyed with my choice of words right after I said it... unfortunately, I didn't have time to think of something better. And to be honest, I was too nervous to think at all. This was about the most important thing ever... well, apart from Tino.
Fabian's hands quickly clenched into fists, and his breathing became deeper... somehow I was close to the suspicion that this was not necessarily a good sign...
He turned his gaze to me, and I saw the tears that had gathered in the corners of his eyes...
"So that's what you think... I wouldn't have expected that from you!" he yelled at me.
Out of sheer surprise and uncertainty, I stood there frozen and couldn't make a sound...
My words might not have been the best – but were they that poorly chosen?
"I don't want anything to do with someone like you... I really NEVER expected you to be so intolerant..."
With each word, his voice became a little quieter and began to tremble more and more...
Desperately, I tried to break my paralysis and clarify the situation...
Was he now gay? Or was he just "tolerant" enough to show that HE had no problem with homosexuality? I was afraid to open up to him and end up disappointed...
"Fabian... I..."
"Get out... disappear... OUT." With a shove, he pushed me toward the door.
I barely managed to catch myself and knew that I had exactly one chance left before he would finally chase me out the front door.
In one leap, I stood right in front of him and took his hands, so he wouldn't get the idea to hit me with one of them in the face or some other body part.
He resisted and continued to yell at me, but I stood firm. I didn't know where this strength came from, but I was more than glad about it...
Slowly, I tried to pull him towards me to wrap my arms around his body. I just wanted to hold him tight. No words. Just hold and be silent. I probably would find the wrong words again... I couldn't afford another mistake.
I didn't know how long I tried to take him in my arms; at some point, I just felt that his resistance became less and weaker until he stood completely motionless with his head down in front of me.
Quickly, I seized my chance and pulled him into my arms. We just stood there, pressed tightly against each other and silent...
After a while, I gently pushed him toward the bed, and we simply let ourselves fall onto it.
Even though we didn't say a word, I was sure that just as many thoughts were racing through his mind as through mine. At some point, I fell asleep over my thoughts.
When I opened my eyes again, it was already dark outside. Slowly, I wriggled out of his embrace and tried to find a clock. Unfortunately, without success.
I made my way to the kitchen and turned on the light...
Phew, that was definitely too much light all at once... When I could see somewhat again, my gaze fell on the large kitchen clock, and I was startled. HALF PAST ONE.
My parents would tear my head off... I had to at least call them and tell them where I was. Although that wouldn't really lighten their mood, I had to do something, and I didn't want to go home in the middle of the night.
Of course, I couldn't leave without saying anything; Fabian would just misunderstand it again... on the other hand, I was still tired and didn't feel like riding my bike at such a late hour...
Before I could dig my phone out of my pocket, my gaze fell on a note... It was lying on the kitchen table and seemed to be for us...
"Hello kids, I didn't want to wake you.
Theo, your parents know that you are staying over here tonight.
They expect you back tomorrow after school.
Monika
Oh man, I should have read this earlier. I could have saved myself the trouble.
I cautiously tiptoed back to Fabian's room. Good thing I knew where the little cupboard stood in the hallway; otherwise, I would have certainly bumped into it.
My thoughts started to wander again, and I wondered what the morning would be like. Would we ignore each other or argue? Would we pretend as if nothing had happened? After all, there were several things we "should" talk about, but didn't "have to."
He would surely be wondering how I felt about the topic of "homosexuality," and I absolutely needed to know how he felt about it.
Without a conversation, our newly begun friendship would say goodbye faster than it had come…
Though that was fine with me… of course from a different perspective – it goes without saying.
As I was about to quietly close the bedroom door, I heard a very soft sobbing coming from the direction of the bed.
I quickly closed the door and sat down on the edge of the bed, carefully reaching out for Fabian, who was curled up in the farthest corner of the bed.
When I touched him, he flinched and sat up.
"I thought you had left…," he whispered softly, and his voice trembled again.
Without thinking, I gently pushed him back onto the bed and lay down next to him. My arm pulled him closer to me, and as if made for each other, our bodies cuddled together. I softly stroked his hair until we both fell asleep again.
The next morning began… not so nicely.
The alarm clock rang incessantly until Fabian turned over and hit it against the wall. Finally, silence again.
Fabian let himself fall back into the pillow, and then our eyes met.
We both looked at each other rather uncertainly; it was clear that the time for a conversation had come.
Fabian seemed to be the first of us to muster the courage to do something. He sat up and leaned against the wall at the head of the bed.
"About yesterday… I…"
He nervously chewed on his lower lip, and his hands seemed to want to knot together. Of course, he was nervous. I was too… and he had the courage to make the first move, which was already a strong achievement.
So I decided to give him a little support…
"Yeah, that went badly… huh?"
"Mhm… yeah."
Okay… so far so good. And now?
After a brief silence, Fabian found his voice first.
"I thought, after what you said… you… might have something against…"
"Gay people?" I completed his sentence.
"Yeah."
I sighed briefly and gathered my courage.
"No, why should I… after all… Fabian… I don’t know how you feel about the topic… as for me… I could never have anything against gay people. How could I have anything against myself?"
There, it was out. Irrevocably and forever. He knew it. No take-backs. Now it all depended on him… would he disappoint me?
"You?… You are… gay?"
Fabian seemed visibly confused…
"I mean, you had something with Maggi and before that also with girls…"
"Mhm, that's true, but that wasn't real."
I told him everything, about my relationships, about Maggi, and how I desperately tried to maintain my facade that I was completely in the closet and simply afraid of the reactions of those around me. I also told him that I had never had a boyfriend, not even contact with other gay people, and that I generally felt very lonely because of that… even though I wasn't alone when you counted my friends. But since they neither knew nor could fill my gaps, I felt alone.
Fabian didn't interrupt me even once; he just nodded, and you could see that he didn't find my explanations in any way disgusting, uninteresting, or totally off-base. Rather, interest and understanding were reflected in his gaze…
When I finished telling him, I looked shyly to the side. Now that everything was out in the open, I felt relieved. Free.
But still very anxious. How would he react?
Fabian carefully placed his hand under my chin, forcing me to look at him more or less…
In his eyes, I could see so much at once… there was joy, confidence, and courage, but also fear and restraint… I wished I had the guts to say something, but no sound came from my lips.
To avoid making the situation even more uncomfortable (which was definitely the case for me due to the silence and uncertainty), I brushed a small strand of hair from his face. Not that it could have bothered him in any way, no. It was more an attempt on my part to show him that I liked him. Whether he would understand the hint, I didn't know; to be honest, it wasn't exactly the best idea, but I had nothing more to offer at that moment.
Our gazes met, and very hesitantly, barely noticeable, our heads moved millimeter by millimeter toward each other. I grasped Fabian's neck and pulled him the last few centimeters closer to me before I closed my eyes and felt his lips on mine.
They trembled a little but did not pull away from mine at all. Instead, he placed his hands on my hips and tried to close the last remaining millimeters between us.
I felt his tongue gently glide over my lips, asking for entry. Of course, I couldn't deny it and opened my mouth a little. Our tongues met, and it felt like they were caressing each other. Very tenderly and without any form of haste.
It seemed to me that our lips had only parted after hours. We held each other tightly in our arms, and my hands gently stroked his back while his hands rested dangerously close to my behind. He let his hands drop and grasped firmly, yet still tenderly.
A soft moan escaped my mouth; it was simply beautiful to feel his hands...
We didn't even notice that Monika had come in through the door and was watching us. We didn't know how long she had been standing there. We only noticed her when she began to clear her throat.
Quickly, we pulled away from each other and stared at her with open mouths.
"I didn't mean to disturb you guys, but it's time. You still need to get your school things from home, Theodor."
Her tone left no room for speculation; we still sat there like stone, not knowing how to behave towards her now...
"What are you staring at?"
Good question, Monika... yeah, what are we staring at? HELLO???
She smiled and took a step closer to us; Fabian startled and noticeably flinched.
"Don't worry, I'm not disappointed or anything. I don't want to say I'm a mother who always somehow suspected it, but after seeing you two in bed yesterday... it became clear to me."
She fell silent, and since there was no reaction from Fabian, she glanced at him one last time before turning back to the door.
Fabian looked at me uncertainly; I just gave him a brief encouraging nod before he slowly stood up and took a step towards his mother.
"Mum... I... do you mean it seriously?"
Monika nodded and turned back to Fabian.
A smile spread across her face, and a moment later, the two were in each other's arms.
"I love you, Fabian, and I will always love you. No matter whom you should love..."
I couldn't understand the last words; they got lost in a soft sob. For Fabian, that seemed to be too much; he completely sank into her arms and didn't stop crying...
Quietly, I stood up and sneaked out of the room. Even though I wasn't asked, I was sure that the two wanted a little moment alone.
A glance at the clock told me I had to hurry; I quickly wrote a small note and placed it on the kitchen table before slowly closing the front door behind me.
"I'm quickly going home to get my school things.
Hope to see you at school soon?
Love, Theo"
Arriving at school, I barely made it to slip into the gym with the others just as the bell rang. That was close.
"Hey Theo, overslept again?"
Ben...
"Uh, yeah, almost."
"And the honor of appearing in sports is granted to us by the young man as well; what have I done to deserve this..."
"Yeah, yeah, just laugh; get warm – I'll finish you off soon..."
Even though I didn't know what was on the agenda, I had always been more athletic than Ben and was sure I could beat him, no matter what we would do.
"......"
That was all I could say when I saw the huge trampoline standing in the middle of the gym.
The students' opinions were divided; some were totally excited, while others found the idea not funny at all.
I still didn't know whether I should be happy or not; I had never stood on one of those things before... But before I could finish my thought, Fabian came out of the changing room and joined Ben and me.
"Morning Fabian, also overslept?"
"Yeah, something like that..."
His gaze briefly met mine, and then we both stood around like two lost souls... But it seemed neither Ben nor anyone else noticed.
We were called one by one to the trampoline and had to follow the instructions of the gym teacher. Fortunately, I didn't do too badly and ended up receiving a compliment.
"Once athletic, always athletic!"
I grinned at Ben, who had completely lost his balance on the trampoline.
He stuck his tongue out at me and playfully punched me in the side.
The rest of the lesson went by relatively quickly; I was so distracted that I completely forgot to offer my cleaning duties, as I usually did. When I stood in the changing room, I froze and feared that this morning might stay in everyone's memory.
I rummaged for what felt like ages in my bag to find my shower supplies; Ben stood next to me and watched.
"Hey, Theo... why do you dislike showering after sports so much?"
Crap, totally caught...
"Me? Why?"
"Well, I've brought it up with you several times, but seriously, I know you're lying to me. And that hurts. I always thought we were friends..."
Shit. Damn it. I didn't want him to think that I didn't trust him... but I just couldn't say that to him... not like this, not now and especially not here.
But, as if by a miracle, I was rescued from this situation. Not by Fabian, who was still allowed to help the dear teacher take down the trampoline, no, the voice I heard was someone else...
"Can you come outside for a moment? We need to talk..."
Ben and I dropped our jaws at the same moment when we heard Tino's words.
Without another word, Tino disappeared outside.
"What was that?" Ben looked after Tino, confused.
"If only I knew... You go ahead and take a shower, I'll go see what Tino wants. Do you think he got himself into something again?"
I was glad to finally have found a distraction from our shower topic... I might not be able to completely avoid the subject, but at least for a while, until I figured out what I should say to Ben about it...
Ben disappeared under the shower, and I went to Tino.
"So, what do you want?"
My tone was ruder than I had intended, and I immediately regretted it.
"I just wanted to help you, I'm sorry, but if you don't want that, then I'll go back..."
HELP? What now...
"Wait." Before he could rush past me, I grabbed him by the arm and forced him to stop.
"What did you want to help me with?"
Tino looked a bit embarrassed and stared at the ground, but he noticeably pulled himself together and looked me in the eyes.
"About Ben... I mean, the showering..."
"I don't understand what you mean..."
"Man, dude, do you think I'm blind? You've been refusing to shower here for weeks and constantly skipping sports, even though you're really great at it and enjoy it. Don't you think your friends might notice?"
Hm, since Ben just spoke to me too... maybe I’m not the master of disguise after all?
"And what exactly have you noticed?" My voice nearly failed, and only a faint whisper escaped my lips.
God, it sounded like Tino knew more than he had said so far. Did he know IT? Had I not been careful enough?
"Theo... I know you better than you think... I've noticed for a long time that you're not really interested in girls... you try to cover it up, but when you know someone and observe closely... You're gay, Theo, am I right?"
Fuck. Oh God in heaven, have mercy on me... WHY? I mean, I had always been careful, how the hell did he come to that conclusion?
That's probably why he had been acting so weird lately. He must have been disgusted by me and couldn't stand being near me... damn!
Sure, there was a small chance that he might not have a problem with it, but why had he been acting so strange recently?
Instead of answering, I looked at him with pursed lips. I didn't know what to say... I was simply speechless.
"You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. I just wanted you to know that..."
Tino broke the eye contact between us and tilted his head. Why wasn't he continuing? What was he trying to achieve with this conversation?
"That what???"
My question came out louder and ruder than planned, but Tino seemed rather glad that I picked up the conversation again.
"Theo, I just wanted to say that I have no problem with it..."
"Oh, so that's not the reason you don't want to be friends with us anymore? I thought a gay guy wouldn't be good enough for you... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU???? Your behavior is really starting to piss me off..."
Tino stared at me in shock. It almost seemed like he was frozen. There was hardly any reaction from him...
Okay, my words didn’t exactly come out in a "normal volume" from my mouth... but God, I was just angry, scared, and had no idea what was going on.
"You know what, do what you want, but if you can't even trust us... Man Tino, I always thought we were friends..."
With those last words, my angry tone faded, and my voice grew quieter... I didn't even know if my last words were still audible.
The bell interrupted us, and most of our class streamed past us toward the classroom.
"Theo... we'll... we'll see each other later..."
And just like that, he was gone... I had a big question mark on my face, and when Ben put his hand on my shoulder, I flinched in shock.
We continued to the classroom and for now didn’t say a word about my conversation with Tino. We preferred to postpone that to the afternoon; it wasn’t really a conversation we wanted to discuss between sports and math. It was too important for that.
Unfortunately, I had completely forgotten that Ben was still waiting for an answer. His gaze told me that I wouldn’t get away without giving one.
Fortunately, the teachers had a lot of material to cover in class today, and I was quite grateful for this little delay.
This afternoon, I would have to talk to Ben – whether I wanted to or not.
Around 3 PM, Ben came to me, and Fabian agreed to sit this one out for now. Since we finally wanted to know what was going on, and it was an open secret that Tino wasn't particularly fond of Fabian... for whatever reason.
Over an hour had passed, during which I had informed Ben about the entire conversation... Yes, about the whole thing...
I knew it made no sense to leave out the main part of the conversation (which was the shower situation and that I was gay).
Ben had also briefly mentioned the shower before Tino...
I really didn't expect what Ben did when I uttered the most important words of my life.
"I know!" Grin.
Nothing more came from him. At least not from his mouth, because seconds later he jumped up from my desk chair and literally knocked me over. We both landed half on top of each other on my bed, and he held me tightly.
"Uhmmm... yeah?"
Good reaction from me, right?
"Oh Theo, how stupid do you think I am? You've never been a good actor, and for a while now, it's been so obvious... how you always stare at the guys, don't want to shower, and then your whole behavior when Fabian is around... A blind person can see what's going on with you..."
"And... I mean... we're still friends?"
"Theo... are you crazy? Why would I end our friendship 'because of that'? Hello? I really have nothing against gays... or lesbians. It's not an option for me, but who you love... that should really not matter..."
I didn't realize that tears were streaming down my face until Ben started to gently wipe them away...
"Theo, I am your friend and I will remain so... I was just disappointed at first that you didn't talk to me. We always told each other everything... but I'm not stupid... I researched online and found out that most people probably feel like you do. Coming out is a big step, and you usually never know 100% what others will say. I just wanted to give you some time..."
"and you kept bugging me about showering," I giggled.
"Well, I thought you might need a little straw to hold onto, but apparently you just weren't ready yet. That's okay."
"It would have been more helpful if you had just said that you have no problem with gays..."
"I thought you knew that?"
"Come on, Ben, I can't read minds... how was I supposed to know? Just because you never gossiped? There wasn't even a reason for that."
"Well, now that you mention it... I would say it doesn't really matter why or how. The fact is, I will always remain your friend."
For that, I gave him a big hug and was just totally happy until we slowly returned to the actual topic. Tino.
"It really didn't seem to me that he had a problem with it. Otherwise, he would have behaved completely differently and wouldn't have just turned away from us quietly... Or what do you think, Ben?"
"Yeah, I think so too. I really can't understand why he reacted that way. I've never seen him like this..."
At that moment, my mother called from downstairs...
"Theo, sweetheart, could you please come here?"
Man, I really had better things to do. Unfortunately, she wouldn't let a rejection go without consequences and would cause more stress, and in the worst case (for me), take away my allowance... no, thanks.
So I stomped down the stairs in annoyance and promptly ran not into her arms, but into Tino's.
"You here?"
I was really surprised. I would have never expected Tino to come to me voluntarily... He had said we would see each other, but this quickly and here? I was as curious as a cat about what he had to say... and so was Ben.
"Can I come up for a moment... please?"
From his words, it was clear that he wasn't entirely comfortable. But I really couldn't take that into account anymore.
I nodded briefly at him and made my way back to my room. Once there, I fell onto the bed next to Ben and looked at Tino expectantly.
"Um... I didn't want to disturb... I'll come back another time..."
With those words, he turned around and wanted to leave again.
"Wait!"
Ben and I were both about to jump up and stop him when he turned back to us again.
"Theo... I think we should discuss this alone... no offense, Ben, but I think Theo would prefer that too."
Ben and I exchanged a quick glance and grinned.
"No need, Tino... I've talked to him... he also thinks I'm a terrible actor..."
At those words, I couldn't help but laugh... Ben patted me on the shoulder and smiled.
"Come on, sit down and talk... we are VERY curious..."
My words and Ben's encouragement seemed to finally have an effect, and he sat down on the desk chair and looked interestedly at his hands. YES, in some situations, hands just have a magical attraction for the eye.
Without looking up, Tino started to talk.
He began by saying that he hadn't turned away from me or Ben because he couldn't stand the presence of a gay person. On the contrary, he didn't care at all who I was into as long as I was doing well.
He had noticed it with me, as had Ben, apparently for a while. And he also didn't want to pressure me and wanted to give me the time I needed.
One day, the conversation at home turned to me and my absence from sports. His mother couldn't understand it any more than anyone who even slightly knew how much I loved sports. Tino hadn't thought at all about what his mother thought of gays when he brought up his suspicion. He just assumed she would be as tolerant as he was. Wrong...
She got quite upset about it and asked if he was one of those "disgusting types." Even though Tino rightly denied it, she immediately prohibited him from having contact with me and with everyone who was friends with me. Such behavior should not be supported! But the best part was still to come... a few days later, she dragged him to a therapist who was supposed to help him stay on the right path...
He didn't dare to talk to his father about it; he was generally even stricter than his mother, and he feared that it would backfire and he would be punished even more...
I remembered the afternoon when I saw him and his mother disappear into the doctor's office. Now it all made sense again.
With those words, he ended his story...
None of us said a word; we just sat there in silence, letting his words sink in. That was really something... until now, I had always found his mother very nice and couldn’t imagine where she got those views from. That I believed Tino was beyond question. Still, I just couldn't quite wrap my head around it.
Ben was the first to break free from his stupor. He stood up and took a step towards Tino. With a smile, he extended his hand, and Tino cautiously took it, almost as if he were afraid it wasn't real.
Ben pulled Tino up and wrapped his arms around him, almost like he did with me, just not quite as exuberantly.
I automatically stood up and joined the embrace; now we stood there. Three boys huddled together in a semicircle. It must have been a rare and beautiful sight.
I don’t remember how long we stood there; it felt like an eternity before we slowly pulled away from each other.
"You have to promise me that my mother can't find out about this... I feel like I don't know her anymore and I don't know what she'll do if I don't follow her orders... At school, it's fine, but afterwards we can't see each other anymore... she totally monitors me."
Of course, we promised him that; we were just so glad that our Tino was finally back. And I was even happier that my first two outings had gone so well. I really felt lucky to have such good friends.
After the two had said their goodbyes, I sat on my bed and knew exactly what I had to do. I wanted to go to Fabian... I had to see him. We hardly had time to exchange a word today, and that just wouldn't do.
A quick glance at my mother in the kitchen and the words that I would be back around 10 PM, and I was off.
I think I nearly broke the record for that route—if there had been one. I raced up the stairs in no time and almost knocked Monika over.
"Theo, are you trying to run me over?"
"Uh... no, of course not."
"Come on," she laughed, "get in here; you definitely didn't want to see me."
I kicked off my shoes, tossed my jacket on the hook, and stormed into Fabian's room.
Fabian was just in front of his wardrobe putting away his laundry when I simply leaped onto the bed and gave him a kiss, leaving him totally bewildered.
His mouth curled into a smile, and we picked up right where we had left off in the morning...
This time the kiss was more passionate and intense than in the morning. We didn’t part our lips for a second but desperately tried to press our bodies as close together as possible.
Our breathing became faster and louder, and even though we knew Monika was still in the apartment, we didn’t hold back at all. Fabian's hands wandered back to my butt and gripped tightly; it felt so wonderful. I never wanted to let him go again.
We rubbed our bodies against each other, and I could already feel that I wouldn't be able to hold out much longer. Fabian drove me totally crazy. I pushed him a little away from me and let my hand slide from Fabian's chest down towards his waistband...
Fabian let out a soft moan, and his hand guided mine further to the bulge in his pants... I stroked and massaged his penis and wanted to feel him properly.
Just his best piece without the annoying denim fabric; that was all I wanted. I wasn't ready for full sex today either.
I pushed his pants and his underwear down a bit and could finally hold his erect penis in my hand. I started to stroke him. Due to my own arousal, which was hardly increasing anymore, my movements became faster and faster. Fabian's moans grew louder, but to not draw too much attention to our "activity," he pressed his hand against his mouth. But just like me, it was very hard for him to keep it together.
His other hand clutched my shirt before his muscles tensed briefly, and his semen landed on my shirt.
Not a second later, I came too; I tried to stifle my moans by burying my face in Fabian's neck. I must have given him a hickey, as I noticed later.
Breathless and tightly intertwined, we lay there... we stroked each other's backs and kissed.
"Am I going to be greeted like this from now on?" Fabian grinned at me mischievously and licked his lips lasciviously...
"Always, whenever you want... but you know what we should do differently next time?"
Fabian looked at me questioningly and actually turned red. "I don't have much experience... if I should do something differently, you have to tell me."
"Haha, don’t mess around, please..." It was just too sweet how bashfully he looked at me, as if he had done something wrong.
"The only thing I want to change is that maybe next time we should take off all our clothes... I have your semen on my shirt and mine... in my pants."
We both laughed and decided that I should jump in the shower first. Fabian laid out some of his clothes for me since I couldn't possibly put mine back on.
Unfortunately, the evening went by far too quickly; we cooked a little together and ate with Monika. She couldn't stop grinning the whole time and was visibly happy for us.
When we said goodbye, I urged Fabian to talk to his mother… She probably could guess what had been the topic during his conversation with his father and brother back then… but it would be better to have some closure. For both of them.
And I hoped Monika would give that guy from his father a piece of her mind again… he was responsible for his son's death… just him. If he had reacted differently, the situation would never have escalated like that.
Maybe I was being too harsh and was wrong about it, but I didn't really care at the moment.
One more day of school, then it was finally the weekend…
On the way home, my thoughts circled around what we could do…
On one hand, we urgently needed to do something about Tino's mom because this couldn't go on. She couldn't forbid him from seeing us…
On the other hand, I wanted to spend a lot of time alone with Fabian… I already missed him like crazy again.
But before all that could happen, I needed to talk to my mother and my father… I was a bit scared, what if they reacted the same way Tino's parents did… but I didn't really believe that… still, a little pessimism is probably allowed in this situation, right?
I unlocked the front door, and as I took off my jacket, my father came around the corner.
"You've been out quite a bit lately..."
It didn't sound like an accusation, more like a statement. Still, I felt a bit cornered. But I had to get through it… come what may.
"Um. Yes, well. Is Mom already in bed? I wanted to discuss something with you..."
"Mom is still in the kitchen, come on, let's see what our son has on his mind."
Hmm, that sounded very caring… good sign, right?
We all sat down at the kitchen table, and my mother set a pot of tea on the table. I poured myself a cup to buy a few seconds to organize my thoughts before I started with the "coming out" plan…
"Theo, sweetheart, it’s not something bad you want to tell us, is it?"
Yes, my mother… she usually assumed the worst in such situations… but I wasn't that bad… most of the time, anyway.
Okay, now Theo – short and painless.
"You've asked me from time to time if I have a girlfriend…"
A tentative smile appeared on my parents' faces. Maybe because they were just glad that the topic wouldn't turn out to be as dramatic as they feared? Or they suspected something, possibly…
"So… at least I could now say that I'm not single anymore…"
Slowly, I let my gaze wander over my parents' faces. The initial smile had turned into surprise.
I took a deep breath and finished my sentence.
"I'm in a relationship… with… Fabian!!!"
A brief silence…
"Well, Theo," my father began, "that… is a surprise… I didn't see that coming. I mean, I really have no problem with homosexuals, but I am a bit taken aback right now."
"Yes, my dear, me too…" my mother added quietly. "I can't believe I didn't notice it sooner… I'm your mother…"
"Mom, Dad… I also don't want you to do a happy dance… I just want to know if… you… if you… still love me…"
My sentence came out very quietly, my head was lowered, and my hands were gripping the teacup tightly – as if it would support me.
Without saying a word, my father stood up and knelt in front of me. He put his arm on my shoulder and pulled me close.
"Theodor, you are my son, even though I would have been very happy to become a grandpa someday… I am more than glad that you have turned out to be a good boy, and if you can't be happy with girls, then I will accept that. I will always love you; I think Mom and I just need a little time to process this. But don't worry, my boy. We will always love you…"
After a brief group hug, I retreated to my room and lingered in my thoughts for a bit before falling into a dreamless sleep…
The next morning, I trudged sleepily into the kitchen and dropped into a chair. My mother was already awake and immediately set my coffee on the table.
Everything was as usual; we didn't talk much about the previous evening anymore, but I was glad to see that she acted just like she always did.
It was simply wonderful to know that my parents didn't seem to have as big a problem with being gay as Tino's mother did.
In school, I finally had a reason to be happy. I saw Tino from a distance, standing with Fabian and Ben. At school, she couldn't forbid him from seeing us. However, the topic was far from resolved. We would see how we could fix the situation. Tino was our friend, and we would not accept that he was kept away from us for such a ridiculous reason. Everyone has their opinion – but this clearly went too far.
Unfortunately, we didn't come to any conclusion before class. Tino was firmly convinced that it would make no sense to talk to his mother about it. He referred to her as "unpredictable," and besides, we didn't want Tino to have more problems with his mother because of a conversation.
In the middle of geography, a sudden idea struck me. If we couldn't talk to his mother, then maybe we could talk to his father... well, Tino said (and we knew this too) that his father was very strict, but it might be worth a try...
If I asked Tino, he would say no... so I decided to do it alone. I knew where his father worked and could catch him after work today. If I completely messed it up, Tino's chances would truly not improve, and he would probably hate me forever... but what choice did we have?
Sure, Tino could wait until he turned 18 and then move out, but without money and without knowing what would happen? That was no solution either. If Tino rebelled against his parents now, they might come up with stupid ideas and enroll him in another school or something like that...
After the last class, Ben, Tino, Fabian, and I were still together, happy that we were friends again.
Tino had already apologized to Fabian that morning for being so mean to him and that he had nothing against him and would be happy if they could also be friends. Fabian was, of course, pleased about that.
Tino had to cancel Ben's suggestion to get together this afternoon. He was once again forced by his mother to go with her to the psychologist. His joy was limited...
"Unfortunately, I can't today either; I have to take care of something for my mom," I lied.
"Hm, well then Fabian and I will just meet alone..."
If Ben intended for that to make me jealous... no such luck.
The others didn't know yet that Fabian and I were together. So far, there hadn't been an opportunity for that, and besides, we just wanted to enjoy the first few days in peace. We also didn't want to come out at school yet; we had friends who supported us, but we didn't want to be the circus animals for the student body... although maybe very few were actually interested in our love life?
So I rode home, informed my mom that I would be meeting my friends, scarfed down lunch, and got back on my bike. Heading towards Evers Werke. It was a good 45 minutes away by bike, and I hoped his father still finished work at the same time and that I wouldn't miss him...
At 5:05 PM, I parked my bike and walked to the main building. At least I knew he worked in the "office corner," so only one building was in question.
By 5:30 PM, I had already given up hope until I saw that he was about to get into his car (the parking lot was right next door). I took off running in his direction.
When he heard his name, he looked surprised in my direction and, to my luck, stopped.
I asked him if he had a few minutes for me; I urgently needed to talk to him about Tino... He looked very surprised and puzzled but agreed to talk to me at a nearby café.
We ordered something to drink, and after the waitress served us our drinks, it got serious.
"So, Theodor, let's hear it. Why did you want to talk to me privately?"
"I know it must seem strange to you... I'm still not sure if I'm doing the right thing. If this backfires, I know for sure that Tino will hate me..."
"Well, I can't make that decision for you, but it honors you that you have the courage to approach me and talk about a problem concerning Tino."
For whatever reason, that sentence gave me hope.
"I... well, um, your wife... she has been forbidding Tino from meeting us for some time..."
"She surely wouldn't do that without reason. She usually acts very fairly. I'm just surprised that she hasn't spoken to me about it."
"Yes, she has a reason for it... apparently... at least in her eyes. She believes that we, especially I, are not a good influence on Tino..."
"And why should that be the case? I haven't heard anything negative about you. You've always been a good boy, well, except for minor exceptions."
With those words, he winked at me.
"I don't know how it is for you, but your wife seems to have a big problem with the fact that I... (long pause) am gay."
Now it was out... damn. No matter what would happen now, I could never take it back. Either he would agree with his wife, or... Yes, or what?!
"I know it must have been difficult for you to tell me that, Theodor. And I really appreciate your openness. Did my wife really say that she forbids our son from having contact with you solely because YOU are gay?"
"Yes... she thinks it's bad company and apparently wanted to make sure that Tino doesn't get infected or something..."
"Hm, we’ve never discussed how we feel about homosexuals. So I can’t say that I knew anything about her stance. I will talk to her and then we’ll see. I hope you understand that I want to hear her opinion too."
That ended our conversation, and we went our separate ways home. I had asked him to talk to Tino first; he should tell him how he felt about the topic and that I had reached out to him. He was more than willing to do that.
When we left the café, it was already 6:20 PM. I drove home and immediately called Fabian, inviting him to come over. For my part, I had already covered enough kilometers today. Fabian promised to head over right away.
I used the time to take a shower and briefly sit with my parents. I wanted to at least let them know that Fabian was coming and that he would stay overnight.
"Mom, Dad, Fabian is coming over soon. Um..."
A tomato was nothing against it... my head turned red; nothing could possibly compete with that.
"Sweet, my son is blushing..." My father seemed to find that incredibly funny.
"Then I hope he at least says hello to us and you don't disappear upstairs right away..."
"No, of course... I mean, we’ll do that..."
My father seemed to notice that I wasn’t quite finished...
"And no, we have nothing against your Fabian staying overnight... that was what you wanted to know, right?"
"Mhm...", more than a nod was all I could manage at that moment.
Fortunately, the doorbell rescued me. Fabian! Finally!
In one leap, I was at the door and embraced Fabian to greet him. Just as I wanted to give him a kiss, he pushed me aside and looked around searchingly.
"Don't worry, my parents are in the kitchen; I hadn’t had the chance to tell you that I spoke with them... They still need some time to understand, but they have nothing against it and they still love me..."
"Uff, I just didn’t want any stress here right away...!"
"Don't worry, there won't be any. And now I want my kiss, damn it."
Which I got, and it made me crave for more... but first, we still had to say hello to my parents... a promise is a promise.
That went quite uneventfully; my parents greeted him warmly and reiterated that they accepted our relationship and wished us all the best for it.
Once in my room, I briefly told Fabian about my conversation with Tino's father. He wasn’t very surprised and said he had already thought that someone should talk to him.
Now we could only wait to see how the conversation with Tino's mother would go. I still had some concerns about whether Tino might be upset that I took matters into my own hands, but Fabian said I was just unnecessarily worrying. It couldn't have gone better.
"And now...", Fabian whispered in my ear, "let's distract dear Theo a bit from his naughty, naughty thoughts."
He started to kiss my neck very gently, and suddenly I forgot everything around me...
After half an hour of cuddling, I was very glad that my parents were still in the living room watching TV. Fabian and I had once again failed to keep the volume down... But it was just so incredibly beautiful that I couldn’t think of anything else at that moment.
Fabian seemed to guess my thoughts and turned a little red...
"We probably weren't very quiet again... huh?"
"No, we weren't, but my parents are still in the living room, so they probably didn’t hear anything..."
"I hope so... otherwise, I won't be able to look them in the eye tomorrow..."
*knock* *knock*
"Yes?"
Oh, was that my parents? Before I could finish my thought, the bedroom door opened and...
"TINO!!!!!!!!"
Fabian and I hurriedly pulled the blanket higher and looked at Tino with wide-open eyes.
"Oh shit... can't you guys lock the door... I’m never going to get this image out of my head..."
His grin, however, revealed that he was at most a little embarrassed; he quickly turned around and ordered us to at least put something on.
"I just spoke with my dad, Theo... at first, I was really angry with you, but when he told me how he sees things and that he has no problem with you or other gay people... I was just glad. I hope my dad will be successful with my mom... that scares me..."
I moved a little away from Fabian and patted the now vacant space between us. During our group cuddle, I was hit by a slight déjà vu...
"So you really are together and don't say a word... you are something else..." Tino laughed, shook his head, and nudged us in the side.
"Theo and I are still quite fresh together... it just hadn't happened yet..."
"Hey, no stress, Fabi, I think it's nice, and besides, I had hoped for it with Theo's longing looks... they were really unbearable..."
"Come on, take it easy, I wasn't that bad..." I pouted, feeling offended.
"Oh yes, you were," Tino started laughing, and I took the opportunity to throw myself on him. The poor guy was incredibly ticklish. Revenge is sweet...
In the end, we collapsed exhausted onto the bed together, and Fabian just grinned, pleased that he wasn't my victim.
"Then you better make sure it stays that way, my dear."
"Can I interrupt?" Tino looked at us briefly and asked if we wanted to come to Ella's party. It would be nice if we could finally all celebrate together. Besides, there was quite a bit to celebrate.
However, we made Tino promise not to tell anyone about our fresh relationship. We wanted to inform Ben, but the others didn't necessarily need to know yet.
While Fabian and I were getting ready in the bathroom, we both realized how much had happened in the last few weeks.
"Now I'm just glad to be here... I have great friends, a lovely boyfriend, and my mother supports me... it couldn't be better..."
With a long kiss, I confirmed to Fabian that I felt the same... sometimes, words just aren't necessary...
*********** THE END *******