2025-07-10, 02:18 PM
Why lie down when you can already feel that the day is going to be a disaster?
It all started when I slipped on my stupid bath mat and landed quite ungracefully on my backside.
While having breakfast, I burned my mouth on my cappuccino and nearly choked on my roll. The bus drove away right in front of me, and when I set off to school on my bike, of course, it started to rain. Just great.
As I was riding onto the schoolyard, the bell rang for the first period. At least I was still on time; Mrs. Hinsen, our homeroom teacher, had no understanding for latecomers. The fact that I looked like a mop (a hood on my jacket would have been too nice) and that my clothes were soaked was just another point on my "this day is not mine" list.
So I rushed towards the classroom, hoping that Mrs. Hinsen would be late for once. Just as I turned the corner, Mrs. Hinsen came towards the classroom with a boy I didn't know. Being the nice person I am (*clears throat*), I held the door open for them and quickly made my way to my seat in the back row. My seatmate Ben looked a bit disturbed, but I knew why. I simply looked stunning today. Who doesn’t like wet, frizzy hair and muddy pants (thanks to the muddy puddles!) – everyone, right? Ugh.
But before he could say anything, Mrs. Hinsen started talking.
"Dear class, I ask for silence... I said SILENCE." Okay, it wasn't really talking, more like the roar of a hungry tiger.
"Now, before we return to our current topic, I have a new classmate for you. Fabian Gölser. He has moved here with his family and therefore has to change schools during the school year. You can ask him anything else later. Fabian, please take a seat... Um... the only free spot seems to be next to Theo."
With that, she pointed at me...
Oh right, I hadn't even introduced myself... how rude. But with a start to the day like this, let's not be too critical, shall we?
So, I’m Theo, actually my name is Theodor – but thankfully no one calls me that, for which I am very grateful, 18 years old, and I attend the 12th grade at the local high school.
Fabian came in with his head down and dropped into the empty seat next to me. I could understand that he was a bit uncertain. Coming into a class new and then being introduced by Mrs. Hinsen – there are better things.
The lesson went as usual, Mrs. Hinsen talked and talked... No one really listened to her. We all agreed that poems by dead people were not the most exciting topic.
When the bell rang for break and I was just about to turn to our new classmate, Ben got in my way.
"Hey Theo, bad mood today or what?"
"I'd like to know what mood you’d be in if your day had started like mine..."
"Are you coming to Bella's tonight? It’s going to be awesome..."
I should mention that Bella throws at least one party every month. Her parents have a huge party basement, and the nearest neighbors live far enough away that you can turn up the music until your ears fall off. Her parents are totally chill. As long as the grades are decent, Bella can pretty much do what she wants... I think it's a good compromise... At her parties, there’s always plenty of alcohol and lots of half-naked girls throwing themselves at anything that moves... Who thinks, hello? Aren't the guys usually the ones on the hunt for girls? It’s different for us. Most of the guys in our class are rather reserved and not interested in a quick fling. In the neighboring class, it’s a whole different story... Since Bella's best friend is from that class, it's clear that half the class will show up at her parties...
"Have to, right? I can't do anything else anyway..."
I should mention that I haven't received any pocket money for two months because I skipped gym class... for the 8th time this school year...
But who can expect me to shower naked (!) with the others after gym? HELLO? I'd end up getting charged with public indecency or something...
Why? Well, it's clear... I’m gay – and I mean really gay. I've known since I was 12... I just never had any interest in girls. I haven't come out yet... I'm just scared, even though my class and especially my friends haven't said anything negative about gay people so far... but there hasn’t been a situation where it could have come up... I don’t know, I just don’t have the courage. I haven’t told my parents either; I think they would need a moment to digest it... and then... I don’t know. But I didn’t want to know that in detail just yet...
My goal is to come out when I have my first boyfriend. Then I will have support and at least one person who understands me and stands by me. Yes, you heard right... I haven't had the pleasure yet, but I have had two girlfriends... I had to come up with something when everyone kept asking why I didn't have a girlfriend... I didn't want to deal with rumors. That's when Elli, who was 15 at the time, came in handy. We were together for 1.5 years. Quite decent, right? My luck was that everyone knew Elli was raised very strictly; she wouldn't even dream of pre-marital sex. So it was a pretty relaxed time. With Nina, it was different. I was with her for four months. She wanted to sleep with me after two months, had her parents out of the house, bought champagne, and set up the room romantically... But unfortunately, I had a very painful bladder infection every evening. It really went poorly.
Then came my class trip (which she couldn't attend because she wasn't in my class), then came her class trip, and suddenly she had a new boyfriend...
Until a few months ago, I had no problem seeing my classmates naked, but overnight that changed. Just the thought of seeing certain friends naked gave me an erection. Even though I didn't think the guys were that great. At least I didn't want anything from them. After almost getting caught with an erection in the shower, I prefer not to participate in sports anymore or to forget my shower stuff. It's starting to be noticed, and I'm constantly being asked what's wrong...
I am very enthusiastic about sports, no matter what, I'm always quite good at it and have fun. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to avoid the horrible shower...
Until the big break, Ms. Hinsen had nothing exciting left to say, so the second hour dragged on...
When the bell rang, everyone rushed out to the playground, not wanting to waste a second.
As we stood in our smoking corner, the conversation quickly turned to our new guy - Fabian. We really needed to take a closer look at him, but we had already decided to adopt him. He looked almost like he would fit in with us. We wanted to see if we were right.
I flicked my cigarette away and headed to the bathroom. When I was washing my hands, Fabian came in. I nodded at him friendly and planned to wait for him outside. I wanted to give him a bit of privacy.
"Hi Fabian."
"Hi," he replied a bit shyly. If I hadn't been sure he was talking to me, I would have thought he was addressing the schoolyard floor. He was staring intensely at the ground... very intensely... that gum-stuck floor certainly had a certain allure... not to mention the erotic vibe...
"I'm Theo," I tried again to coax the new guy out of his shell, but he didn't seem particularly interested...
"Yeah, see you in a bit," was his only reaction, and without looking up, he just walked past me...
Phew, honestly, I was friendly to him; why was he being so... so dismissive...?
Now I was a bit offended. Maybe he was just a little shy...?
Throughout the rest of the school day, several from my class were frustrated with our newcomer. He was always friendly but incredibly standoffish. He didn't want to talk to anyone. It almost seemed like he was claiming the position of the class loner for himself.
We stood by the school gate for a few more minutes discussing the evening at Bella's; I wasn't fully present because I was still wondering what exactly Fabian's problem was. You would think he should be happy to start at a new school and be warmly welcomed by the class.
"Ah, here comes Mister I-don't-need-you."
Tino, the old sock, was clearly the source of that comment...
Before I could say anything, Fabian had already disappeared around the next corner...
"Thanks, Tino, did you really have to say that?" I glared at him angrily from the side.
"Maybe he just had a bad day today; if you come at him like that, he probably won't ever talk to us... He must think we're the last idiots..."
"If you say so, Theolein."
I hated it when he rolled his eyes like that.
Eventually, we went our separate ways, and I wondered if I even wanted to go to Bella's tonight. My mood was somehow at rock bottom. Was it really just because of Tino's behavior? No, certainly not; he hadn't been like this just yesterday... But what else could it be? It must be because of my rough start to the day. Exactly.
When I got home, my mother was already standing in the doorway. I quickly wondered if I had done something wrong... No, I was not aware of any guilt. But she only waits at the door when something is wrong... Damn.
"Hi Mum."
"Theodor, I ran into an old friend while shopping today..."
Aha.
"They just moved here, and I offered that you would help a little with unpacking... you know, my back..."
Oh no, why always me? That wasn't fair. I had to rack my brain about whether I should go to Bella tonight or not.
"Okay, I admit that you probably have something better to do, but I have an offer for you..."
Well then, let's see...
"I'll give you your pocket money for this month, that's fair, right?"
Wow, cool. For that, I could be persuaded... after all, my last euros went for cigarettes yesterday, and tomorrow I would have to buy another pack... YES, I know, smoking is unhealthy, but hello? You only live once, and I want to enjoy it at least...
I sighed and looked at my mother with her "please-my-dear-boy-do-it-for-your-loving-mother" face and agreed. She immediately handed me my 50 euros and a note with the address. When I asked her what about lunch, she turned around and came back with a bag of sandwiches.
Aha, great. So that meant I could eat on the way and then get right to work when I arrived? Awesome.
She briefly described the way, and I already had a bad feeling about the neighborhood. Although I had never been there, everyone in town knew that it really wasn't the best.
On the way to the given address, I noticed that the houses and streets were changing. It looked somehow... well... unsocial here. Not that we lived in some kind of luxury, no, rather quite normal and plain. But this? My goodness, she really let me go there alone? I would have to tell her something.
I parked my bike in front of the house and wondered if it would still be there when I was done. I didn't have a lock...
Great, among the at least 15 names, I was supposed to guess what her friend's name was? She hadn't told me, great. I decided to just ring the bell at the bottom. Instead of the doorbell, I only heard a voice from the "I-don't-want-to-see-you intercom."
"Huh?"
"Good day, my name is Theo Weber. Um, I was supposed to help someone with a move here... do you know...?"
"Yes, right at the top." Click... end.
I never expected such friendliness... grumble. So I rang at the top, and indeed, the doorbell opened. Okay, let's see if the nice gentleman was right and I was in the right place.
"Shit, you have to be kidding me... does this damn shack not even have an elevator...?"
Groaning, I climbed the stairs. After what felt like 30 minutes, I reached the top floor.
"And if I'm wrong here, I'm going back home... God damn it."
I pressed the doorbell and waited; a moment later, the door opened, and a woman in her 40s stood in front of me. She looked totally funny, wearing a shirt that was way too big, the actual color of which could no longer be guessed because it was completely splattered with paint. Her hair was messy, and she looked totally tired... I felt sorry for her...
"Hello, you must be Theodor, right? I'm Monika."
Her voice sounded tired but friendly. She seemed happy that I was there, so I smiled back at her.
"Yes, um, my mother sent me."
"Come in, Theodor, my son isn't back yet; I hope he comes soon. He knows we have a lot to do today... and then he has to dawdle..."
She led me into the apartment and gave me my first task; it wasn't about unpacking but rather about renovating, but okay. I grabbed the roller and happily painted the wall. I was so engrossed in my work that I didn't notice when the front door opened.
My attention was only caught when I heard Monika seemingly arguing with someone.
"What does he want here? I really don't feel like this crap."
"Fabi, sweetheart, I just met an old friend, and she offered that her son could help us. Maybe you two will get along; he should be your age."
"With him? Forget it. Mom, please, we can manage this on our own. We don't need him for that."
Oh, someone was in a great mood.
I just kept painting and pretended not to notice anything.
Wait! Fabi? New here? I had a suspicion...
"Fabian! That's enough! It's time we finish here. Now go inside; Theodor is in the living room. Help him; I have to step out for a moment. We still need paint for your room."
With those words, the apartment door slammed shut.
"Even if my mother sees it differently, we don't need your help. So just go, okay?"
I could tell that he was trying to sound tough, but there was a bit of sadness in his voice. Since I had decided to give him another chance, I tried to talk to him.
"Fabian, I really have no idea what you have against me or the others in our class. Did we do something to you? We actually just wanted you as a friend..."
"Pah! Friends. I don't need anyone, got it?! Get lost or..."
"Or you do something?"
Now I was getting angry.
"Hello? I mean you no harm, I just wanted to be your friend. Don't snap at me like that, damn it. I don't need this. I'll finish my work here and only leave when your mother sends me away. Otherwise, I'll get into trouble with mine, and I really want to avoid that right now. Is that understood?"
Wow, I must have hit the right note. Fabian pressed his lips together and went into the kitchen without a word. I could hear him muttering under his breath.
Monika came back an hour later and was totally amazed. I had finished painting the living room and had already started cleaning the floor of paint splatters. I was satisfied with my work, and she seemed to feel the same. She beamed at me and hugged me. Yes, she hugged me; it was no longer just a hug, it was hardcore cuddling.
Fabian seemed to have finished in the kitchen as well, and she asked us if we wanted to paint his room together. I was about to agree when Fabian had another outburst.
"NO! This is my room, I'm doing this alone, do you hear me? He needs to get lost already."
In that moment, I would have preferred to sink into the ground or run away screaming. Not because Fabian thought he had to put on some kind of show, no, but rather because of Monika's reaction to it.
She hit him. He held his cheek, and you could see he was fighting back tears. Then he turned around and ran out of the apartment.
I stood there not knowing what to do. Damn it. I looked down in shame and wished for a hole to open up so I could disappear in it... But unfortunately, nothing like that happened. It just wasn't my day today. Of course.
"Oh crap... what have I done... Theodor, I... I didn't mean to."
Monika dropped to the floor and covered her face with her hands. I could understand her to some extent—even though I really didn't believe in hitting. Especially in parenting, one should rather resort to words... Man, now I sound grown-up, right? Haha.
So I went to Monika and placed my hand on her shoulder. Since I didn't know what to say, I remained silent for a few minutes.
Then she seemed to have calmed down enough and asked if I wanted to have a coffee with her.
Now we were sitting on the floor sipping coffee; she had apologized at least 100 times in the last 20 minutes for me having to witness that. She hadn't wanted that, but the stress of the past months had just become too much for her at that moment... She promised to apologize to Fabian later and vowed it would never happen again. I just nodded and shifted the topic in another direction.
"Should we continue painting or should I just go?"
"I can't ask you to stay after what I've done."
"Oh come on, it's fine. So where do we go from here?"
We painted the hallway together and then stood in Fabian's room.
"Fabian has his sketches somewhere in here... he has very specific ideas about how he wants his room to look..."
She handed me some papers, and I was amazed. The drawings were great; I mean, they only depicted the room's walls, the bed, and the wardrobe. The designs he had planned for the walls were simply fantastic.
They were supposed to represent manga characters, a boy and a girl, and from them, black floral vines were to stretch throughout the room.
The background was gray; it seemed Fabian had already painted that. But it wasn't a dull gray. It somehow radiated warmth. Can gray radiate warmth? Didn't our art teacher say that gray was a cold color?
I grabbed a pencil and started painting the image in my hands on the wall. It wasn't as easy as I first thought, but after an hour, I had the couple and part of the vines on the wall.
In the meantime, Monika was tidying up around the apartment; every few minutes, she came over to watch me work. I became so engrossed that I didn't even notice her anymore.
Half an hour later, I was already finished with the vines and grabbed a brush. Very carefully, I traced the outlines of the boy. Just as I was about to start on the girl, Fabian stood in front of me. In my shock, I stumbled over the paint bucket. Luckily, it was still so full that it didn't tip over with the little shove.
Fabian stared thoughtfully at my work; I expected another lecture, but he remained silent.
Monika came back to us and asked if I would stay for dinner. It was only then that I noticed the time on my watch. Almost 7:30.
"Shit... no Monika, um... I'm invited to a party. But I have to go home first; I can't just leave like this."
"Too bad, Theodor, but if you already have something planned..."
"If you still need me, I'd be happy to come back tomorrow."
She sighed with relief.
"That would be great; our furniture is coming tomorrow, and we could indeed use a strong young man to help carry and set it up..."
"Alright, what time should I be there?"
"Would 10 o'clock be alright for you?"
I hesitated for a moment. 10 o'clock? That was still in the middle of the night. I usually NEVER got up before noon on weekends, and if I had been out the night before, it could even be after 2 PM... but I had offered my help, so I guess I had to go through with it. My own fault.
“Uh, yeah, all right, I’ll be there.”
I walked to the door and paused for a moment... Hmm, should I invite Fabian? After all, he was part of the class, and if he hadn’t acted so leave-me-alone, he would have been invited anyway.
“Hey Fabian, um... if you want, you can come too. I mean, Ella would have definitely invited you if... if she hadn’t been so stressed.”
“No thanks, not interested,” he said and disappeared.
At home, I immediately turned on the shower, grabbed some clean clothes, and got ready. Not that I was trying to look good; who was I trying to impress...
Lately, I often felt lonely. I didn’t mean that I had no or less contact with my friends. That wasn’t it. I was more longing for a boyfriend, for a relationship. I just had no idea how to change that. There was no gay club or gay café in our town, so where was I supposed to meet “like-minded” people? I once read that many can just feel whether the other person is gay too; either there wasn’t a single one in my vicinity, or my gay radar was simply broken.
Shortly after being late, I arrived at Ella's place; her parents let me in, and I trudged down the stairs to the party room. The closer I got, the louder the music became, and I could hear the chatter of others. The mood seemed to be quite lively.
I sat down at the bar (yes, there was even a proper, professional bar) and quickly downed a cola-beer.
Tino and Ben settled down next to me and drank their beer in one go, which made me suspect they wanted to get as drunk as possible as quickly as they could.
“Hey Theo, what’s up?”
Ben looked at me and tilted his head.
“You look like you got rejected... What’s the name of the girl?”
“Oh, you don’t know her.”
Are you going to say that I’m lying? Good catch. I didn’t even know what I had myself. So it was better to pretend that Ben was right with his assumption. Besides, it had been months since my last relationship, and the others were starting to get weird again, constantly saying I should get back into action...
If they only knew...
“Theo, Theo, Theo. It’s time for you to have some real fun. You’re 18, man, and still a virgin...”
Yeah, Tino always liked to add his two cents.
“Shut up, Tino, not everyone needs to hear that.”
Slowly but surely, my bad mood was coming through; I was just about to get up when Tino grabbed my arm and pulled me with him.
We stopped in front of a girl I didn’t know yet. Tino introduced her as Ella’s cousin Maggi, who was visiting for the weekend.
“So my dear, she’s only here this weekend and doesn’t want a relationship, I know that. Do something with it...”
I turned bright red and was clearly giving every tomato a run for its money...
Maggi seemed to be quite relaxed; she pulled me to the seating area and talked like a waterfall. I didn’t quite catch what she was saying; I dove into the endless depths of my thoughts and just nodded occasionally in agreement, hoping that it was appropriate at that moment.
It was only when it suddenly became quiet that I focused on the reason.
At first, I couldn’t see anything, but when I stood up, I saw what or who the others had gathered around. Fabian...
“Well, little one, did you miss us?”
“What’s he doing here?”
“Ella, did you invite him?”
“ME-?”
Ella came over to the others, gesticulating wildly, and even from a distance and in the poor lighting, you could tell she didn’t seem very pleased.
“What are you doing here? Huh? At school, you act like you’re better than everyone else, and now you just come into my house uninvited?”
“Ella, I invited him... I thought we could get to know him outside of school; today just wasn’t his day...”
“You’re disappointing me, Theo, but fine, if he doesn’t behave, he’s out. Last chance.”
With those words, she turned back around, and the others seemed to return to the party, leaving Fabian standing there.
He was just about to turn around and disappear, but that wasn’t how we played this game. I didn’t want to be the bad guy because he showed up and then made an exit without at least trying. I had a reputation to uphold.
“Hey... do you want something to drink?”
He seemed to have heard me and turned back in my direction.
Nodding silently, he followed me to the bar.
After asking for drinks, I got him a cola and myself another cola-beer. Just as I thought I might finally get him to say a word or two, someone else interrupted...
“Oh how cute, the little one drinks cola!”
Ella! Yes, it must be said that if you don’t want to drink alcohol at Ella’s, you automatically become a loser. So if you’ve been here often and want to take a night off from drinking, that’s okay, but not too often and certainly not the first time.
I throw Ella a nasty look and turn back to Fabian. However, he doesn’t seem to want my company anymore. Why? Because he has already gotten up and is moving towards the door. I want to follow him, but Maggi has already grabbed me again and is dragging me back to the seating area.
Before I can comprehend what’s happening, I have her tongue in my mouth and I’m kissing her. I don’t like it, but I know I have to keep my cover alive a bit longer. Officially, I’m heterosexual. And if Fabian doesn’t want to stay, that’s his problem.
By now, Maggi and I had arrived in Ella's room, and she was bustling around me as if there were no tomorrow. We were lying next to each other on the bed, and I was starting to feel scared. I couldn’t have sex with her; I wouldn’t be able to get it up … Fear spread relentlessly and became my only thought …
After a few minutes, I noticed that Maggi's movements were slowing down. At first, I didn’t think much of it until she suddenly became completely still. I spoke to her softly, but she didn’t respond. I carefully climbed over her – she was asleep. My God. I must be quite the stallion in bed if she just falls asleep like that.
In a split second, I considered what I should do. If she woke up like this, she would immediately know nothing had happened, and I would look like the biggest idiot. If she just falls asleep, that doesn’t look good for me.
I decided to carefully (and not without disgust) take off her blouse and skirt; I couldn’t bring myself to take off her panties, though.
I opened the condom package she had placed on the nightstand and stuffed the rubber into my pants. I put the empty package back on the table.
Hopefully, that was enough to make her believe something had happened.
The next morning, I showed up at Fabian and Monika's place right on time.
After I rang the bell, Monika opened the door for me kindly, just like yesterday. She offered me a coffee and mentioned that Fabian was still sleeping, but if he didn’t get up soon, she would wake him.
We were sitting in the kitchen when Fabian came out of his room in boxers and a T-shirt. He was not at all thrilled to see me …
“What do you want here? Didn’t you have enough fun yesterday?”
With a loud bang, the bathroom door slammed shut.
Monika and I looked at each other, confused.
“Did something happen yesterday?”
“No, yes … well, he came in and a few people made some stupid remarks. Nothing serious or anything. It was probably just because he wasn’t particularly talkative at school … And then he just left again …”
“Then I’d like to know where he was; he didn’t come home until after one …”
“Monika, just drop it, I mean, don’t bring it up. I think he already feels stupid enough about it. I’ll try to talk to him later …”
Monika sighed briefly but then gave in. Now I just had to make sure I had a few minutes alone with Fabian AND that he didn’t want to kill me right away. Why wouldn’t I want to understand – but his words and his look were clear.
Had I done something wrong? No … I talked to him and had a drink. I wasn’t really responsible for his disappearance.
While Fabian was still in the bathroom, I helped Monika unpack some boxes. I noticed a framed picture, showing Monika, Fabian, and two people I didn’t know. One seemed to be the father, and the other maybe his brother? I guessed that the picture wasn’t too old. At least Fabian and Monika hadn’t changed. It was probably not easy for Fabian to be separated from his brother; in the picture, it seemed like they got along very well.
I hadn’t noticed that Fabian had come out of the bathroom and was already standing behind me.
“Give that here,” he snapped at me, and I almost dropped the picture in shock. I handed it to him and could see a slight shimmer of moisture in his eyes. He quickly turned away and put the picture in the cupboard.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so nosy. I just thought you looked very happy in the picture …”
I actually expected that Fabian would lash out at me now, shout at me, but nothing of the sort happened.
He was still facing away from me and shrugged his shoulders.
“Partially, yes …”
His voice trembled. I got up and went to him; even though I only saw him in profile, I could clearly see the tears running down his cheeks.
Slowly and almost cautiously, I placed a hand on his shoulder.
“You miss your brother a lot, don’t you?”
He abruptly turned around, and I saw his desperate face. More and more tears streamed down his cheeks.
Suddenly, without saying anything, he wrapped his arms around me and pressed his whole body against mine. I felt the tears soaking through my shirt and felt his body shaking.
I held him tighter and gently stroked his back, no idea how long we stood there until he slowly pulled away from me.
He looked down, and his quiet sobbing was the only thing heard in that moment.
“You can’t imagine how much I miss him …”
"But you can visit each other... or is your father and he living very far away?"
It didn't seem to be the right question; he dashed out of the living room, and I only heard him slam his bedroom door behind him.
Confused and thoughtful, I looked towards the door.
I only returned to reality when Monika stood in the doorframe. Her expression was twisted with pain, and suddenly I felt the need to apologize. I must have done something wrong, the way he had run away.
"I'm sorry, I... I must have done everything wrong... Maybe I should go."
I didn't dare to look Monika in the face, but she didn't seem angry with me, as I gathered from her tone and response.
"No, please believe me. You did nothing wrong. You couldn't know what you said... Come, let's have a coffee together. I'll briefly tell you what happened..."
With a queasy feeling, we sat down and each sipped our coffee, lost in thought.
"Fabian doesn't seem to have told you anything about his past so far, has he?"
"No, not so far," I replied truthfully. "Are you sure he’s okay with you telling me something about it? I wouldn’t want him to be even angrier with me afterward..."
"Theo, since the events have unfolded, Fabian is not the same anymore. He doesn't talk, shuts himself off, and doesn't let anyone – myself included – get close to him. I don't know what to do anymore. When he hugged you just now, I was totally surprised. He hasn't let anyone so close to him in months... I hope you might want to help me understand him, that you’re just a friend to him..."
I had to swallow; apparently, there was a lot that made him behave this way...
"Yes... well, of course. I mean, I wanted to bring him into the group from the very beginning. I would like to be a friend to him..."
Monika nodded, took a big sip of her coffee, and took a deep breath.
"Everything kind of started six months ago. My husband... ex-husband and I fought a lot. Things just weren't working between us anymore. The kids, Fabian and Hendrik, suffered a lot. The two of them have always been like two peas in a pod; they did everything together and were always the best of friends. This time brought them even closer together. They gave each other the support we couldn’t provide because we were too busy with our fights to notice.
When a school party was approaching, my ex-husband wanted to talk to the two of them, a man-to-man conversation. You know how it is..."
At her last words, she had to smile.
"I was in the kitchen and heard wild yelling. When I wanted to head to the living room, I already heard the front door slam. My husband yelled that they should never show their faces here again... I couldn't get out of him what had happened; he grabbed the car and just drove away. I waited for hours, but no one came back. Neither the kids nor my husband. At that moment, I regretted that I had always denied the kids a cell phone."
She lowered her head and began to sob.
I didn't know what to say or do now. Carefully, I placed my hand on her arm and just looked at her silently.
"At 10 PM, there was a knock at the door. When I saw the two officers standing in front of me, I was so afraid of what they would tell me...
They had to inform me that Fabian and Hendrik had an accident; they apparently ran a red light and were hit by a very fast sports car..."
Again, she paused and wiped her tears from her face with trembling hands... I was so tense, angry, and sad that I simply didn't know what I should do now.
I reached for my cigarettes and looked at Monika questioningly. She nodded silently and pointed to the small kitchen window. After I opened the window, I stood there and lit a cigarette. Monika gestured for me to sit back down with her. I fell back into my chair and placed my pack on the table. Monika took one of my cigarettes and stared blankly at the makeshift ashtray on the table for minutes.
"When I arrived at the hospital, I had to wait a long time until finally a doctor came to me. He told me that Fabian and Hendrik had a serious accident; they had to operate on Hendrik for hours, and it was uncertain whether he would survive the night. He had severe internal injuries and a skull fracture. Fabian was luckier; he also had to be operated on, but the doctor said he made it. His injuries were only half as bad... For the next few hours, I sat alternately at both of their beds, praying that they would make it. At 6:22 AM, Hendrik died..."
I wrapped my arms around Monika, just like I had with Fabian before. We simply held onto each other and allowed our feelings to flow. It must be the worst thing one could experience. No one should have to outlive their children... My mother had always said that too... now I finally understood what she meant.
"Hendrik's death was terrible for all of us, although in hindsight I know my husband was just putting on a show for us. Since that day, Fabian has hardly spoken a word to us; my husband even completely ignored him, and neither of them has wanted to tell me to this day what the conversation was about and why they both ran away. Theo, would you go to him and keep him company? I'll quickly grab us something to eat from the snack bar around the corner."
"Sure, I'll... at least try."
As I stood in front of his door, I felt uneasy. I knocked softly and waited for a response. Even after what felt like 5 minutes, there was no answer. I slowly opened the door and peered through the small crack. I could see him immediately; he was lying on the bed, his head buried in the pillow. I cautiously approached his bed and cleared my throat quietly.
"Hey, may I...?" I gestured towards the bed, fully aware that he couldn't see my gesture since his head was still buried in the pillow.
After a brief sniffle, he lifted his head slightly and nodded. His eyes were red and slightly swollen from crying. He looked so worn out, understandably, and I felt the urge to hold him in my arms again. I couldn't bear to see him like this. Even though we hadn't really built a friendship yet, I felt very connected to him.
I let myself fall beside him on the bed and looked at him uncertainly. Neither of us said a word; it was only when he started crying again that I knew what I had to do. I took him back in my arms, and soon we were cuddled closely together on the bed. When he had calmed down again, he gently pushed me away and sat up.
"You don't have to do this..."
"What don't I have to do?"
"Well, be here..."
I couldn't help but laugh a little, and he looked at me with big, fearful eyes.
"Hey, it's all good. I mean, I want to be here. I like you, and even though we hardly know each other, I can't stand it when you're so... so sad..."
The more I spoke, the quieter my voice became.
"Even when I was so mean to you?" He didn't seem to fully believe me, but there was hope in his face. He definitely wanted friends to be with, where he could feel safe and understood. Who wouldn't want that?
"Sure, I was angry that you were so distant; we just wanted to be nice when you came to us... But now... now I understand you; you've really had to go through a lot, then the move, away from everything familiar. You don't have to feel uncomfortable about it; I probably wouldn't have offered my friendship to just anyone right away either."
"Do you want to be my friend?" His voice seemed to tremble again; it was probably very hard for him to ask me that.
"Definitely," I whispered and hugged him briefly.
Shortly after, Monika returned with the food; we ate together in silence, and when we were done, I actually wanted to head home. When I said this, Fabian looked at me sadly.
I decided to ask him if he wanted to come over tomorrow, Sunday. Maybe we could do homework together... He nodded silently and looked at his empty plate. Monika smiled at me.
I spent the rest of Saturday thinking more or less about Fabian and Monika. I felt so sorry for them; I didn't know how I could help them.
Fabian had really gone through a big transformation that day. When I thought about his behavior before and then from the moment in the living room...
Hopefully, he would come tomorrow. I already missed him a lot.
That night, I had a rather strange dream. Well, strange is not quite the right word. I had a hot dream, yes, an erotic dream... about Fabian...
I was still lying in bed, slightly panting and confused... Had I developed a little crush on Fabian? Or was it just a dream that happened to have Fabian's face? Okay, I knew what it was... I felt drawn to him; I had already noticed that yesterday... but it was so new... I had never had a boyfriend and didn't know what I should do now. If I were to reveal my feelings to him... then there were several possibilities... he would laugh and tell everyone that I was a faggot... he would tell me that he was straight and couldn't have a friendship because of my feelings. Or he was straight and wanted to try a friendship anyway... Or he was also gay, but I wasn't his type... yes, or he just happened to be gay and would want me too...
But the chances that he didn't want anything to do with me were simply greater...
I tried to push the thought aside and decided to take a shower first. The sperm was still stuck in my shorts, and I didn't feel like waiting for it to dry.
The shower felt incredible; I just stood there for ages, letting the hot water run over my body. Yes, I'm a warm showerer... problems with that?
Then I went to the kitchen, where my parents were still sitting at the table reading the newspaper.
"Good morning, Theodor," came the chorus, and I hoped no one could see that my thoughts were far away. After a brief "good morning" from me, I grabbed my cup and slurped my coffee lost in thought.
"Since when do you drink coffee, my son?" boomed my father to my left.
"Um... for a while now..."
"Oh my son, you are slowly growing up... tell me, do you have a girlfriend at the moment?"
Oh yes, THAT was the topic I wanted to discuss... wonderful.
"No, not right now," I mumbled softly into my cup, hoping he would let the conversation rest.
"Too bad, but I'm sure you'll find one soon. Relationships are getting more serious at your age..."
I didn't want to listen to any more of that, so I stood up and said goodbye, claiming that Fabian wanted to come over to study. I still had to tidy up a bit for that...
The statement seemed to suffice for them, and without another comment, they let me go to my room.
I spent most of the early afternoon tidying up my room a bit more and listening to music. I thought it looked presentable now.
The fear that Fabian wouldn't come began to rise within me. We hadn't agreed on a time either. Damn. So now I could just wait until he arrived. Nothing more.
At lunchtime, I took my food to my room; I didn't feel like dealing with my parents and conversations like this morning...
At some point, I fell asleep on my bed again, and it was only when there was a knock at the door that I jolted awake from my nap...
"Yes?" I barely managed to say.
"Oh hey, um... am I interrupting?"
Fabian looked at me, and suddenly I was wide awake.
"Nonsense, no, come in, have a seat. I just dozed off again..."
And while Fabian settled into my chair, I quickly ran my fingers through my hair... God, I must have looked terrible. Unfortunately, I had the habit of sleeping restlessly, and I usually looked the part...
We diligently occupied ourselves with our homework, and after 1.5 hours, we were done with it.
We packed our school things away and decided to play a bit on my computer. I only had "kids' games," as Tino always used to say, but I thought The Sims was great; I could spend hours on it.
He looked at my other games but then also chose The Sims, and before we knew it, it was dark outside, and my mother came into the room...
"Oh, hello Fabian, you're still here?"
"Shit, what time is it?"
"Half past eight," my mother said, adding in the same breath, "but you can't ride home now, get dressed quickly, I'll take you home..."
Fabian grabbed his backpack and was about to head for the door when I realized it!
He couldn't go home; I didn't want him to leave now. I enjoyed his presence, even if it was only purely platonic - on his part.
"Mom, can't he stay here for the night? He has his school things with him, and we can go to school together tomorrow..."
A hesitant look at Fabian - I was so bold as to not even ask him if he actually wanted to stay here.
Fabian nodded briefly. He didn't look particularly enthusiastic, but a nod was a nod - right?
"Don't you have gym tomorrow?" my mother interrupted with the sweetest look, and suddenly I felt really bad. Right. Gym... my favorite subject...
"Then you need to find some sports clothes for Fabian; I don't want him to get in trouble. And you, my little friend, if you're not at gym tomorrow, there will be consequences..." she said and left the room. From the hallway, I heard her call, "Fabian, I'll call your mother. If you're still hungry, there's food in the kitchen."
I didn't dare to look at Fabian; I didn't know if he had only agreed because I had caught him off guard or if he really wanted to.
He probably hated me now... wouldn't be surprising.
I don't know how long I stood there wishing to be anywhere else in the world. I suddenly felt that Fabian was standing next to me and had placed a hand on my shoulder.
I quickly shrugged it off, walked into the hallway, and mumbled something that sounded like "let's eat."
The meal was rather silent; I stared at my plate and poked around disinterestedly. Fabian seemed to notice my mood and addressed me about it.
"Did I do something wrong?" he asked very quietly, and his eyes reflected fear and despair.
Great job, Theo, now he's in a bad mood because you're being stupid. A real blockbuster.
Without lifting my gaze from the plate even a millimeter, I replied.
"No, it's not you. Tomorrow is gym, and I..."
"Hmm, I would have thought of you as athletic..." Fabian's words hit the mark. Yes, I was athletic, and I would like to participate in class. But unfortunately, there was also a part of my body that didn't behave well under the sight of wet, same-sex bodies in the shower...
It was clear it was only a matter of time before everything would catch up with me, but did it have to happen right now? I was scared as hell. Probably everyone would make fun of me, including Fabian, and then I would be all alone...
It all started when I slipped on my stupid bath mat and landed quite ungracefully on my backside.
While having breakfast, I burned my mouth on my cappuccino and nearly choked on my roll. The bus drove away right in front of me, and when I set off to school on my bike, of course, it started to rain. Just great.
As I was riding onto the schoolyard, the bell rang for the first period. At least I was still on time; Mrs. Hinsen, our homeroom teacher, had no understanding for latecomers. The fact that I looked like a mop (a hood on my jacket would have been too nice) and that my clothes were soaked was just another point on my "this day is not mine" list.
So I rushed towards the classroom, hoping that Mrs. Hinsen would be late for once. Just as I turned the corner, Mrs. Hinsen came towards the classroom with a boy I didn't know. Being the nice person I am (*clears throat*), I held the door open for them and quickly made my way to my seat in the back row. My seatmate Ben looked a bit disturbed, but I knew why. I simply looked stunning today. Who doesn’t like wet, frizzy hair and muddy pants (thanks to the muddy puddles!) – everyone, right? Ugh.
But before he could say anything, Mrs. Hinsen started talking.
"Dear class, I ask for silence... I said SILENCE." Okay, it wasn't really talking, more like the roar of a hungry tiger.
"Now, before we return to our current topic, I have a new classmate for you. Fabian Gölser. He has moved here with his family and therefore has to change schools during the school year. You can ask him anything else later. Fabian, please take a seat... Um... the only free spot seems to be next to Theo."
With that, she pointed at me...
Oh right, I hadn't even introduced myself... how rude. But with a start to the day like this, let's not be too critical, shall we?
So, I’m Theo, actually my name is Theodor – but thankfully no one calls me that, for which I am very grateful, 18 years old, and I attend the 12th grade at the local high school.
Fabian came in with his head down and dropped into the empty seat next to me. I could understand that he was a bit uncertain. Coming into a class new and then being introduced by Mrs. Hinsen – there are better things.
The lesson went as usual, Mrs. Hinsen talked and talked... No one really listened to her. We all agreed that poems by dead people were not the most exciting topic.
When the bell rang for break and I was just about to turn to our new classmate, Ben got in my way.
"Hey Theo, bad mood today or what?"
"I'd like to know what mood you’d be in if your day had started like mine..."
"Are you coming to Bella's tonight? It’s going to be awesome..."
I should mention that Bella throws at least one party every month. Her parents have a huge party basement, and the nearest neighbors live far enough away that you can turn up the music until your ears fall off. Her parents are totally chill. As long as the grades are decent, Bella can pretty much do what she wants... I think it's a good compromise... At her parties, there’s always plenty of alcohol and lots of half-naked girls throwing themselves at anything that moves... Who thinks, hello? Aren't the guys usually the ones on the hunt for girls? It’s different for us. Most of the guys in our class are rather reserved and not interested in a quick fling. In the neighboring class, it’s a whole different story... Since Bella's best friend is from that class, it's clear that half the class will show up at her parties...
"Have to, right? I can't do anything else anyway..."
I should mention that I haven't received any pocket money for two months because I skipped gym class... for the 8th time this school year...
But who can expect me to shower naked (!) with the others after gym? HELLO? I'd end up getting charged with public indecency or something...
Why? Well, it's clear... I’m gay – and I mean really gay. I've known since I was 12... I just never had any interest in girls. I haven't come out yet... I'm just scared, even though my class and especially my friends haven't said anything negative about gay people so far... but there hasn’t been a situation where it could have come up... I don’t know, I just don’t have the courage. I haven’t told my parents either; I think they would need a moment to digest it... and then... I don’t know. But I didn’t want to know that in detail just yet...
My goal is to come out when I have my first boyfriend. Then I will have support and at least one person who understands me and stands by me. Yes, you heard right... I haven't had the pleasure yet, but I have had two girlfriends... I had to come up with something when everyone kept asking why I didn't have a girlfriend... I didn't want to deal with rumors. That's when Elli, who was 15 at the time, came in handy. We were together for 1.5 years. Quite decent, right? My luck was that everyone knew Elli was raised very strictly; she wouldn't even dream of pre-marital sex. So it was a pretty relaxed time. With Nina, it was different. I was with her for four months. She wanted to sleep with me after two months, had her parents out of the house, bought champagne, and set up the room romantically... But unfortunately, I had a very painful bladder infection every evening. It really went poorly.
Then came my class trip (which she couldn't attend because she wasn't in my class), then came her class trip, and suddenly she had a new boyfriend...
Until a few months ago, I had no problem seeing my classmates naked, but overnight that changed. Just the thought of seeing certain friends naked gave me an erection. Even though I didn't think the guys were that great. At least I didn't want anything from them. After almost getting caught with an erection in the shower, I prefer not to participate in sports anymore or to forget my shower stuff. It's starting to be noticed, and I'm constantly being asked what's wrong...
I am very enthusiastic about sports, no matter what, I'm always quite good at it and have fun. Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to avoid the horrible shower...
Until the big break, Ms. Hinsen had nothing exciting left to say, so the second hour dragged on...
When the bell rang, everyone rushed out to the playground, not wanting to waste a second.
As we stood in our smoking corner, the conversation quickly turned to our new guy - Fabian. We really needed to take a closer look at him, but we had already decided to adopt him. He looked almost like he would fit in with us. We wanted to see if we were right.
I flicked my cigarette away and headed to the bathroom. When I was washing my hands, Fabian came in. I nodded at him friendly and planned to wait for him outside. I wanted to give him a bit of privacy.
"Hi Fabian."
"Hi," he replied a bit shyly. If I hadn't been sure he was talking to me, I would have thought he was addressing the schoolyard floor. He was staring intensely at the ground... very intensely... that gum-stuck floor certainly had a certain allure... not to mention the erotic vibe...
"I'm Theo," I tried again to coax the new guy out of his shell, but he didn't seem particularly interested...
"Yeah, see you in a bit," was his only reaction, and without looking up, he just walked past me...
Phew, honestly, I was friendly to him; why was he being so... so dismissive...?
Now I was a bit offended. Maybe he was just a little shy...?
Throughout the rest of the school day, several from my class were frustrated with our newcomer. He was always friendly but incredibly standoffish. He didn't want to talk to anyone. It almost seemed like he was claiming the position of the class loner for himself.
We stood by the school gate for a few more minutes discussing the evening at Bella's; I wasn't fully present because I was still wondering what exactly Fabian's problem was. You would think he should be happy to start at a new school and be warmly welcomed by the class.
"Ah, here comes Mister I-don't-need-you."
Tino, the old sock, was clearly the source of that comment...
Before I could say anything, Fabian had already disappeared around the next corner...
"Thanks, Tino, did you really have to say that?" I glared at him angrily from the side.
"Maybe he just had a bad day today; if you come at him like that, he probably won't ever talk to us... He must think we're the last idiots..."
"If you say so, Theolein."
I hated it when he rolled his eyes like that.
Eventually, we went our separate ways, and I wondered if I even wanted to go to Bella's tonight. My mood was somehow at rock bottom. Was it really just because of Tino's behavior? No, certainly not; he hadn't been like this just yesterday... But what else could it be? It must be because of my rough start to the day. Exactly.
When I got home, my mother was already standing in the doorway. I quickly wondered if I had done something wrong... No, I was not aware of any guilt. But she only waits at the door when something is wrong... Damn.
"Hi Mum."
"Theodor, I ran into an old friend while shopping today..."
Aha.
"They just moved here, and I offered that you would help a little with unpacking... you know, my back..."
Oh no, why always me? That wasn't fair. I had to rack my brain about whether I should go to Bella tonight or not.
"Okay, I admit that you probably have something better to do, but I have an offer for you..."
Well then, let's see...
"I'll give you your pocket money for this month, that's fair, right?"
Wow, cool. For that, I could be persuaded... after all, my last euros went for cigarettes yesterday, and tomorrow I would have to buy another pack... YES, I know, smoking is unhealthy, but hello? You only live once, and I want to enjoy it at least...
I sighed and looked at my mother with her "please-my-dear-boy-do-it-for-your-loving-mother" face and agreed. She immediately handed me my 50 euros and a note with the address. When I asked her what about lunch, she turned around and came back with a bag of sandwiches.
Aha, great. So that meant I could eat on the way and then get right to work when I arrived? Awesome.
She briefly described the way, and I already had a bad feeling about the neighborhood. Although I had never been there, everyone in town knew that it really wasn't the best.
On the way to the given address, I noticed that the houses and streets were changing. It looked somehow... well... unsocial here. Not that we lived in some kind of luxury, no, rather quite normal and plain. But this? My goodness, she really let me go there alone? I would have to tell her something.
I parked my bike in front of the house and wondered if it would still be there when I was done. I didn't have a lock...
Great, among the at least 15 names, I was supposed to guess what her friend's name was? She hadn't told me, great. I decided to just ring the bell at the bottom. Instead of the doorbell, I only heard a voice from the "I-don't-want-to-see-you intercom."
"Huh?"
"Good day, my name is Theo Weber. Um, I was supposed to help someone with a move here... do you know...?"
"Yes, right at the top." Click... end.
I never expected such friendliness... grumble. So I rang at the top, and indeed, the doorbell opened. Okay, let's see if the nice gentleman was right and I was in the right place.
"Shit, you have to be kidding me... does this damn shack not even have an elevator...?"
Groaning, I climbed the stairs. After what felt like 30 minutes, I reached the top floor.
"And if I'm wrong here, I'm going back home... God damn it."
I pressed the doorbell and waited; a moment later, the door opened, and a woman in her 40s stood in front of me. She looked totally funny, wearing a shirt that was way too big, the actual color of which could no longer be guessed because it was completely splattered with paint. Her hair was messy, and she looked totally tired... I felt sorry for her...
"Hello, you must be Theodor, right? I'm Monika."
Her voice sounded tired but friendly. She seemed happy that I was there, so I smiled back at her.
"Yes, um, my mother sent me."
"Come in, Theodor, my son isn't back yet; I hope he comes soon. He knows we have a lot to do today... and then he has to dawdle..."
She led me into the apartment and gave me my first task; it wasn't about unpacking but rather about renovating, but okay. I grabbed the roller and happily painted the wall. I was so engrossed in my work that I didn't notice when the front door opened.
My attention was only caught when I heard Monika seemingly arguing with someone.
"What does he want here? I really don't feel like this crap."
"Fabi, sweetheart, I just met an old friend, and she offered that her son could help us. Maybe you two will get along; he should be your age."
"With him? Forget it. Mom, please, we can manage this on our own. We don't need him for that."
Oh, someone was in a great mood.
I just kept painting and pretended not to notice anything.
Wait! Fabi? New here? I had a suspicion...
"Fabian! That's enough! It's time we finish here. Now go inside; Theodor is in the living room. Help him; I have to step out for a moment. We still need paint for your room."
With those words, the apartment door slammed shut.
"Even if my mother sees it differently, we don't need your help. So just go, okay?"
I could tell that he was trying to sound tough, but there was a bit of sadness in his voice. Since I had decided to give him another chance, I tried to talk to him.
"Fabian, I really have no idea what you have against me or the others in our class. Did we do something to you? We actually just wanted you as a friend..."
"Pah! Friends. I don't need anyone, got it?! Get lost or..."
"Or you do something?"
Now I was getting angry.
"Hello? I mean you no harm, I just wanted to be your friend. Don't snap at me like that, damn it. I don't need this. I'll finish my work here and only leave when your mother sends me away. Otherwise, I'll get into trouble with mine, and I really want to avoid that right now. Is that understood?"
Wow, I must have hit the right note. Fabian pressed his lips together and went into the kitchen without a word. I could hear him muttering under his breath.
Monika came back an hour later and was totally amazed. I had finished painting the living room and had already started cleaning the floor of paint splatters. I was satisfied with my work, and she seemed to feel the same. She beamed at me and hugged me. Yes, she hugged me; it was no longer just a hug, it was hardcore cuddling.
Fabian seemed to have finished in the kitchen as well, and she asked us if we wanted to paint his room together. I was about to agree when Fabian had another outburst.
"NO! This is my room, I'm doing this alone, do you hear me? He needs to get lost already."
In that moment, I would have preferred to sink into the ground or run away screaming. Not because Fabian thought he had to put on some kind of show, no, but rather because of Monika's reaction to it.
She hit him. He held his cheek, and you could see he was fighting back tears. Then he turned around and ran out of the apartment.
I stood there not knowing what to do. Damn it. I looked down in shame and wished for a hole to open up so I could disappear in it... But unfortunately, nothing like that happened. It just wasn't my day today. Of course.
"Oh crap... what have I done... Theodor, I... I didn't mean to."
Monika dropped to the floor and covered her face with her hands. I could understand her to some extent—even though I really didn't believe in hitting. Especially in parenting, one should rather resort to words... Man, now I sound grown-up, right? Haha.
So I went to Monika and placed my hand on her shoulder. Since I didn't know what to say, I remained silent for a few minutes.
Then she seemed to have calmed down enough and asked if I wanted to have a coffee with her.
Now we were sitting on the floor sipping coffee; she had apologized at least 100 times in the last 20 minutes for me having to witness that. She hadn't wanted that, but the stress of the past months had just become too much for her at that moment... She promised to apologize to Fabian later and vowed it would never happen again. I just nodded and shifted the topic in another direction.
"Should we continue painting or should I just go?"
"I can't ask you to stay after what I've done."
"Oh come on, it's fine. So where do we go from here?"
We painted the hallway together and then stood in Fabian's room.
"Fabian has his sketches somewhere in here... he has very specific ideas about how he wants his room to look..."
She handed me some papers, and I was amazed. The drawings were great; I mean, they only depicted the room's walls, the bed, and the wardrobe. The designs he had planned for the walls were simply fantastic.
They were supposed to represent manga characters, a boy and a girl, and from them, black floral vines were to stretch throughout the room.
The background was gray; it seemed Fabian had already painted that. But it wasn't a dull gray. It somehow radiated warmth. Can gray radiate warmth? Didn't our art teacher say that gray was a cold color?
I grabbed a pencil and started painting the image in my hands on the wall. It wasn't as easy as I first thought, but after an hour, I had the couple and part of the vines on the wall.
In the meantime, Monika was tidying up around the apartment; every few minutes, she came over to watch me work. I became so engrossed that I didn't even notice her anymore.
Half an hour later, I was already finished with the vines and grabbed a brush. Very carefully, I traced the outlines of the boy. Just as I was about to start on the girl, Fabian stood in front of me. In my shock, I stumbled over the paint bucket. Luckily, it was still so full that it didn't tip over with the little shove.
Fabian stared thoughtfully at my work; I expected another lecture, but he remained silent.
Monika came back to us and asked if I would stay for dinner. It was only then that I noticed the time on my watch. Almost 7:30.
"Shit... no Monika, um... I'm invited to a party. But I have to go home first; I can't just leave like this."
"Too bad, Theodor, but if you already have something planned..."
"If you still need me, I'd be happy to come back tomorrow."
She sighed with relief.
"That would be great; our furniture is coming tomorrow, and we could indeed use a strong young man to help carry and set it up..."
"Alright, what time should I be there?"
"Would 10 o'clock be alright for you?"
I hesitated for a moment. 10 o'clock? That was still in the middle of the night. I usually NEVER got up before noon on weekends, and if I had been out the night before, it could even be after 2 PM... but I had offered my help, so I guess I had to go through with it. My own fault.
“Uh, yeah, all right, I’ll be there.”
I walked to the door and paused for a moment... Hmm, should I invite Fabian? After all, he was part of the class, and if he hadn’t acted so leave-me-alone, he would have been invited anyway.
“Hey Fabian, um... if you want, you can come too. I mean, Ella would have definitely invited you if... if she hadn’t been so stressed.”
“No thanks, not interested,” he said and disappeared.
At home, I immediately turned on the shower, grabbed some clean clothes, and got ready. Not that I was trying to look good; who was I trying to impress...
Lately, I often felt lonely. I didn’t mean that I had no or less contact with my friends. That wasn’t it. I was more longing for a boyfriend, for a relationship. I just had no idea how to change that. There was no gay club or gay café in our town, so where was I supposed to meet “like-minded” people? I once read that many can just feel whether the other person is gay too; either there wasn’t a single one in my vicinity, or my gay radar was simply broken.
Shortly after being late, I arrived at Ella's place; her parents let me in, and I trudged down the stairs to the party room. The closer I got, the louder the music became, and I could hear the chatter of others. The mood seemed to be quite lively.
I sat down at the bar (yes, there was even a proper, professional bar) and quickly downed a cola-beer.
Tino and Ben settled down next to me and drank their beer in one go, which made me suspect they wanted to get as drunk as possible as quickly as they could.
“Hey Theo, what’s up?”
Ben looked at me and tilted his head.
“You look like you got rejected... What’s the name of the girl?”
“Oh, you don’t know her.”
Are you going to say that I’m lying? Good catch. I didn’t even know what I had myself. So it was better to pretend that Ben was right with his assumption. Besides, it had been months since my last relationship, and the others were starting to get weird again, constantly saying I should get back into action...
If they only knew...
“Theo, Theo, Theo. It’s time for you to have some real fun. You’re 18, man, and still a virgin...”
Yeah, Tino always liked to add his two cents.
“Shut up, Tino, not everyone needs to hear that.”
Slowly but surely, my bad mood was coming through; I was just about to get up when Tino grabbed my arm and pulled me with him.
We stopped in front of a girl I didn’t know yet. Tino introduced her as Ella’s cousin Maggi, who was visiting for the weekend.
“So my dear, she’s only here this weekend and doesn’t want a relationship, I know that. Do something with it...”
I turned bright red and was clearly giving every tomato a run for its money...
Maggi seemed to be quite relaxed; she pulled me to the seating area and talked like a waterfall. I didn’t quite catch what she was saying; I dove into the endless depths of my thoughts and just nodded occasionally in agreement, hoping that it was appropriate at that moment.
It was only when it suddenly became quiet that I focused on the reason.
At first, I couldn’t see anything, but when I stood up, I saw what or who the others had gathered around. Fabian...
“Well, little one, did you miss us?”
“What’s he doing here?”
“Ella, did you invite him?”
“ME-?”
Ella came over to the others, gesticulating wildly, and even from a distance and in the poor lighting, you could tell she didn’t seem very pleased.
“What are you doing here? Huh? At school, you act like you’re better than everyone else, and now you just come into my house uninvited?”
“Ella, I invited him... I thought we could get to know him outside of school; today just wasn’t his day...”
“You’re disappointing me, Theo, but fine, if he doesn’t behave, he’s out. Last chance.”
With those words, she turned back around, and the others seemed to return to the party, leaving Fabian standing there.
He was just about to turn around and disappear, but that wasn’t how we played this game. I didn’t want to be the bad guy because he showed up and then made an exit without at least trying. I had a reputation to uphold.
“Hey... do you want something to drink?”
He seemed to have heard me and turned back in my direction.
Nodding silently, he followed me to the bar.
After asking for drinks, I got him a cola and myself another cola-beer. Just as I thought I might finally get him to say a word or two, someone else interrupted...
“Oh how cute, the little one drinks cola!”
Ella! Yes, it must be said that if you don’t want to drink alcohol at Ella’s, you automatically become a loser. So if you’ve been here often and want to take a night off from drinking, that’s okay, but not too often and certainly not the first time.
I throw Ella a nasty look and turn back to Fabian. However, he doesn’t seem to want my company anymore. Why? Because he has already gotten up and is moving towards the door. I want to follow him, but Maggi has already grabbed me again and is dragging me back to the seating area.
Before I can comprehend what’s happening, I have her tongue in my mouth and I’m kissing her. I don’t like it, but I know I have to keep my cover alive a bit longer. Officially, I’m heterosexual. And if Fabian doesn’t want to stay, that’s his problem.
By now, Maggi and I had arrived in Ella's room, and she was bustling around me as if there were no tomorrow. We were lying next to each other on the bed, and I was starting to feel scared. I couldn’t have sex with her; I wouldn’t be able to get it up … Fear spread relentlessly and became my only thought …
After a few minutes, I noticed that Maggi's movements were slowing down. At first, I didn’t think much of it until she suddenly became completely still. I spoke to her softly, but she didn’t respond. I carefully climbed over her – she was asleep. My God. I must be quite the stallion in bed if she just falls asleep like that.
In a split second, I considered what I should do. If she woke up like this, she would immediately know nothing had happened, and I would look like the biggest idiot. If she just falls asleep, that doesn’t look good for me.
I decided to carefully (and not without disgust) take off her blouse and skirt; I couldn’t bring myself to take off her panties, though.
I opened the condom package she had placed on the nightstand and stuffed the rubber into my pants. I put the empty package back on the table.
Hopefully, that was enough to make her believe something had happened.
The next morning, I showed up at Fabian and Monika's place right on time.
After I rang the bell, Monika opened the door for me kindly, just like yesterday. She offered me a coffee and mentioned that Fabian was still sleeping, but if he didn’t get up soon, she would wake him.
We were sitting in the kitchen when Fabian came out of his room in boxers and a T-shirt. He was not at all thrilled to see me …
“What do you want here? Didn’t you have enough fun yesterday?”
With a loud bang, the bathroom door slammed shut.
Monika and I looked at each other, confused.
“Did something happen yesterday?”
“No, yes … well, he came in and a few people made some stupid remarks. Nothing serious or anything. It was probably just because he wasn’t particularly talkative at school … And then he just left again …”
“Then I’d like to know where he was; he didn’t come home until after one …”
“Monika, just drop it, I mean, don’t bring it up. I think he already feels stupid enough about it. I’ll try to talk to him later …”
Monika sighed briefly but then gave in. Now I just had to make sure I had a few minutes alone with Fabian AND that he didn’t want to kill me right away. Why wouldn’t I want to understand – but his words and his look were clear.
Had I done something wrong? No … I talked to him and had a drink. I wasn’t really responsible for his disappearance.
While Fabian was still in the bathroom, I helped Monika unpack some boxes. I noticed a framed picture, showing Monika, Fabian, and two people I didn’t know. One seemed to be the father, and the other maybe his brother? I guessed that the picture wasn’t too old. At least Fabian and Monika hadn’t changed. It was probably not easy for Fabian to be separated from his brother; in the picture, it seemed like they got along very well.
I hadn’t noticed that Fabian had come out of the bathroom and was already standing behind me.
“Give that here,” he snapped at me, and I almost dropped the picture in shock. I handed it to him and could see a slight shimmer of moisture in his eyes. He quickly turned away and put the picture in the cupboard.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so nosy. I just thought you looked very happy in the picture …”
I actually expected that Fabian would lash out at me now, shout at me, but nothing of the sort happened.
He was still facing away from me and shrugged his shoulders.
“Partially, yes …”
His voice trembled. I got up and went to him; even though I only saw him in profile, I could clearly see the tears running down his cheeks.
Slowly and almost cautiously, I placed a hand on his shoulder.
“You miss your brother a lot, don’t you?”
He abruptly turned around, and I saw his desperate face. More and more tears streamed down his cheeks.
Suddenly, without saying anything, he wrapped his arms around me and pressed his whole body against mine. I felt the tears soaking through my shirt and felt his body shaking.
I held him tighter and gently stroked his back, no idea how long we stood there until he slowly pulled away from me.
He looked down, and his quiet sobbing was the only thing heard in that moment.
“You can’t imagine how much I miss him …”
"But you can visit each other... or is your father and he living very far away?"
It didn't seem to be the right question; he dashed out of the living room, and I only heard him slam his bedroom door behind him.
Confused and thoughtful, I looked towards the door.
I only returned to reality when Monika stood in the doorframe. Her expression was twisted with pain, and suddenly I felt the need to apologize. I must have done something wrong, the way he had run away.
"I'm sorry, I... I must have done everything wrong... Maybe I should go."
I didn't dare to look Monika in the face, but she didn't seem angry with me, as I gathered from her tone and response.
"No, please believe me. You did nothing wrong. You couldn't know what you said... Come, let's have a coffee together. I'll briefly tell you what happened..."
With a queasy feeling, we sat down and each sipped our coffee, lost in thought.
"Fabian doesn't seem to have told you anything about his past so far, has he?"
"No, not so far," I replied truthfully. "Are you sure he’s okay with you telling me something about it? I wouldn’t want him to be even angrier with me afterward..."
"Theo, since the events have unfolded, Fabian is not the same anymore. He doesn't talk, shuts himself off, and doesn't let anyone – myself included – get close to him. I don't know what to do anymore. When he hugged you just now, I was totally surprised. He hasn't let anyone so close to him in months... I hope you might want to help me understand him, that you’re just a friend to him..."
I had to swallow; apparently, there was a lot that made him behave this way...
"Yes... well, of course. I mean, I wanted to bring him into the group from the very beginning. I would like to be a friend to him..."
Monika nodded, took a big sip of her coffee, and took a deep breath.
"Everything kind of started six months ago. My husband... ex-husband and I fought a lot. Things just weren't working between us anymore. The kids, Fabian and Hendrik, suffered a lot. The two of them have always been like two peas in a pod; they did everything together and were always the best of friends. This time brought them even closer together. They gave each other the support we couldn’t provide because we were too busy with our fights to notice.
When a school party was approaching, my ex-husband wanted to talk to the two of them, a man-to-man conversation. You know how it is..."
At her last words, she had to smile.
"I was in the kitchen and heard wild yelling. When I wanted to head to the living room, I already heard the front door slam. My husband yelled that they should never show their faces here again... I couldn't get out of him what had happened; he grabbed the car and just drove away. I waited for hours, but no one came back. Neither the kids nor my husband. At that moment, I regretted that I had always denied the kids a cell phone."
She lowered her head and began to sob.
I didn't know what to say or do now. Carefully, I placed my hand on her arm and just looked at her silently.
"At 10 PM, there was a knock at the door. When I saw the two officers standing in front of me, I was so afraid of what they would tell me...
They had to inform me that Fabian and Hendrik had an accident; they apparently ran a red light and were hit by a very fast sports car..."
Again, she paused and wiped her tears from her face with trembling hands... I was so tense, angry, and sad that I simply didn't know what I should do now.
I reached for my cigarettes and looked at Monika questioningly. She nodded silently and pointed to the small kitchen window. After I opened the window, I stood there and lit a cigarette. Monika gestured for me to sit back down with her. I fell back into my chair and placed my pack on the table. Monika took one of my cigarettes and stared blankly at the makeshift ashtray on the table for minutes.
"When I arrived at the hospital, I had to wait a long time until finally a doctor came to me. He told me that Fabian and Hendrik had a serious accident; they had to operate on Hendrik for hours, and it was uncertain whether he would survive the night. He had severe internal injuries and a skull fracture. Fabian was luckier; he also had to be operated on, but the doctor said he made it. His injuries were only half as bad... For the next few hours, I sat alternately at both of their beds, praying that they would make it. At 6:22 AM, Hendrik died..."
I wrapped my arms around Monika, just like I had with Fabian before. We simply held onto each other and allowed our feelings to flow. It must be the worst thing one could experience. No one should have to outlive their children... My mother had always said that too... now I finally understood what she meant.
"Hendrik's death was terrible for all of us, although in hindsight I know my husband was just putting on a show for us. Since that day, Fabian has hardly spoken a word to us; my husband even completely ignored him, and neither of them has wanted to tell me to this day what the conversation was about and why they both ran away. Theo, would you go to him and keep him company? I'll quickly grab us something to eat from the snack bar around the corner."
"Sure, I'll... at least try."
As I stood in front of his door, I felt uneasy. I knocked softly and waited for a response. Even after what felt like 5 minutes, there was no answer. I slowly opened the door and peered through the small crack. I could see him immediately; he was lying on the bed, his head buried in the pillow. I cautiously approached his bed and cleared my throat quietly.
"Hey, may I...?" I gestured towards the bed, fully aware that he couldn't see my gesture since his head was still buried in the pillow.
After a brief sniffle, he lifted his head slightly and nodded. His eyes were red and slightly swollen from crying. He looked so worn out, understandably, and I felt the urge to hold him in my arms again. I couldn't bear to see him like this. Even though we hadn't really built a friendship yet, I felt very connected to him.
I let myself fall beside him on the bed and looked at him uncertainly. Neither of us said a word; it was only when he started crying again that I knew what I had to do. I took him back in my arms, and soon we were cuddled closely together on the bed. When he had calmed down again, he gently pushed me away and sat up.
"You don't have to do this..."
"What don't I have to do?"
"Well, be here..."
I couldn't help but laugh a little, and he looked at me with big, fearful eyes.
"Hey, it's all good. I mean, I want to be here. I like you, and even though we hardly know each other, I can't stand it when you're so... so sad..."
The more I spoke, the quieter my voice became.
"Even when I was so mean to you?" He didn't seem to fully believe me, but there was hope in his face. He definitely wanted friends to be with, where he could feel safe and understood. Who wouldn't want that?
"Sure, I was angry that you were so distant; we just wanted to be nice when you came to us... But now... now I understand you; you've really had to go through a lot, then the move, away from everything familiar. You don't have to feel uncomfortable about it; I probably wouldn't have offered my friendship to just anyone right away either."
"Do you want to be my friend?" His voice seemed to tremble again; it was probably very hard for him to ask me that.
"Definitely," I whispered and hugged him briefly.
Shortly after, Monika returned with the food; we ate together in silence, and when we were done, I actually wanted to head home. When I said this, Fabian looked at me sadly.
I decided to ask him if he wanted to come over tomorrow, Sunday. Maybe we could do homework together... He nodded silently and looked at his empty plate. Monika smiled at me.
I spent the rest of Saturday thinking more or less about Fabian and Monika. I felt so sorry for them; I didn't know how I could help them.
Fabian had really gone through a big transformation that day. When I thought about his behavior before and then from the moment in the living room...
Hopefully, he would come tomorrow. I already missed him a lot.
That night, I had a rather strange dream. Well, strange is not quite the right word. I had a hot dream, yes, an erotic dream... about Fabian...
I was still lying in bed, slightly panting and confused... Had I developed a little crush on Fabian? Or was it just a dream that happened to have Fabian's face? Okay, I knew what it was... I felt drawn to him; I had already noticed that yesterday... but it was so new... I had never had a boyfriend and didn't know what I should do now. If I were to reveal my feelings to him... then there were several possibilities... he would laugh and tell everyone that I was a faggot... he would tell me that he was straight and couldn't have a friendship because of my feelings. Or he was straight and wanted to try a friendship anyway... Or he was also gay, but I wasn't his type... yes, or he just happened to be gay and would want me too...
But the chances that he didn't want anything to do with me were simply greater...
I tried to push the thought aside and decided to take a shower first. The sperm was still stuck in my shorts, and I didn't feel like waiting for it to dry.
The shower felt incredible; I just stood there for ages, letting the hot water run over my body. Yes, I'm a warm showerer... problems with that?
Then I went to the kitchen, where my parents were still sitting at the table reading the newspaper.
"Good morning, Theodor," came the chorus, and I hoped no one could see that my thoughts were far away. After a brief "good morning" from me, I grabbed my cup and slurped my coffee lost in thought.
"Since when do you drink coffee, my son?" boomed my father to my left.
"Um... for a while now..."
"Oh my son, you are slowly growing up... tell me, do you have a girlfriend at the moment?"
Oh yes, THAT was the topic I wanted to discuss... wonderful.
"No, not right now," I mumbled softly into my cup, hoping he would let the conversation rest.
"Too bad, but I'm sure you'll find one soon. Relationships are getting more serious at your age..."
I didn't want to listen to any more of that, so I stood up and said goodbye, claiming that Fabian wanted to come over to study. I still had to tidy up a bit for that...
The statement seemed to suffice for them, and without another comment, they let me go to my room.
I spent most of the early afternoon tidying up my room a bit more and listening to music. I thought it looked presentable now.
The fear that Fabian wouldn't come began to rise within me. We hadn't agreed on a time either. Damn. So now I could just wait until he arrived. Nothing more.
At lunchtime, I took my food to my room; I didn't feel like dealing with my parents and conversations like this morning...
At some point, I fell asleep on my bed again, and it was only when there was a knock at the door that I jolted awake from my nap...
"Yes?" I barely managed to say.
"Oh hey, um... am I interrupting?"
Fabian looked at me, and suddenly I was wide awake.
"Nonsense, no, come in, have a seat. I just dozed off again..."
And while Fabian settled into my chair, I quickly ran my fingers through my hair... God, I must have looked terrible. Unfortunately, I had the habit of sleeping restlessly, and I usually looked the part...
We diligently occupied ourselves with our homework, and after 1.5 hours, we were done with it.
We packed our school things away and decided to play a bit on my computer. I only had "kids' games," as Tino always used to say, but I thought The Sims was great; I could spend hours on it.
He looked at my other games but then also chose The Sims, and before we knew it, it was dark outside, and my mother came into the room...
"Oh, hello Fabian, you're still here?"
"Shit, what time is it?"
"Half past eight," my mother said, adding in the same breath, "but you can't ride home now, get dressed quickly, I'll take you home..."
Fabian grabbed his backpack and was about to head for the door when I realized it!
He couldn't go home; I didn't want him to leave now. I enjoyed his presence, even if it was only purely platonic - on his part.
"Mom, can't he stay here for the night? He has his school things with him, and we can go to school together tomorrow..."
A hesitant look at Fabian - I was so bold as to not even ask him if he actually wanted to stay here.
Fabian nodded briefly. He didn't look particularly enthusiastic, but a nod was a nod - right?
"Don't you have gym tomorrow?" my mother interrupted with the sweetest look, and suddenly I felt really bad. Right. Gym... my favorite subject...
"Then you need to find some sports clothes for Fabian; I don't want him to get in trouble. And you, my little friend, if you're not at gym tomorrow, there will be consequences..." she said and left the room. From the hallway, I heard her call, "Fabian, I'll call your mother. If you're still hungry, there's food in the kitchen."
I didn't dare to look at Fabian; I didn't know if he had only agreed because I had caught him off guard or if he really wanted to.
He probably hated me now... wouldn't be surprising.
I don't know how long I stood there wishing to be anywhere else in the world. I suddenly felt that Fabian was standing next to me and had placed a hand on my shoulder.
I quickly shrugged it off, walked into the hallway, and mumbled something that sounded like "let's eat."
The meal was rather silent; I stared at my plate and poked around disinterestedly. Fabian seemed to notice my mood and addressed me about it.
"Did I do something wrong?" he asked very quietly, and his eyes reflected fear and despair.
Great job, Theo, now he's in a bad mood because you're being stupid. A real blockbuster.
Without lifting my gaze from the plate even a millimeter, I replied.
"No, it's not you. Tomorrow is gym, and I..."
"Hmm, I would have thought of you as athletic..." Fabian's words hit the mark. Yes, I was athletic, and I would like to participate in class. But unfortunately, there was also a part of my body that didn't behave well under the sight of wet, same-sex bodies in the shower...
It was clear it was only a matter of time before everything would catch up with me, but did it have to happen right now? I was scared as hell. Probably everyone would make fun of me, including Fabian, and then I would be all alone...