07-10-2025, 01:19 PM
The Price of Friendship
Jan lay in bed and watched Mark, his slender figure under the blanket, the relaxed face in which the softer features of the former child could now be discerned, the pointed nose, the tousled black hair, the delicate, long fingers resting on the pillow.
"Ah, my big one! I could give you so much. I want to give you so much. You deserve it more than anyone else and you are worth it," he thought. "Just a word from you, just a word... but it seems it was not meant to be." Jan sighed and wondered if Mark knew what price he had paid for their friendship and would still pay. "I don't know exactly either," he thought, "but it is very high. Will I be able to pay it? Will I be able to endure paying it or will I fall apart in the process?"
The line "Life is a piece of shit, if you look at it" from "The Life of Brian" came to Jan's mind. He turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He thought back and tried to recall how it all began, and as he pondered, his eyes slowly began to close.
Jan had been excited all afternoon, even though the meeting was only in the evening. "I wonder what the others will be like," he asked himself as he gathered his clothes for the evening. He already knew them all, just as the others knew him, but that evening was supposed to be different. Because this time it wasn't online, where there was only a FlyingDragon or a Serpent; this time it was a live meeting.
Jan enjoyed gaming and chatting, and gradually a circle of "acquaintances" formed with whom he either played online or chatted. One day, someone suggested that they should also meet "live," and thus the event was planned for that evening.
Fortunately or unfortunately for Jan, the chosen venue was not far from his apartment, so he didn't have to hurry, which only increased his nervousness given that time seemed to stand still. Finally, it was time, and he set off.
"Is there a meeting here...?" Jan asked somewhat uncertainly at the coat check when he arrived at the venue. The woman behind the counter smiled and pointed to the stairs: "Yes, they are on the first floor." Upon reaching the top, Jan saw several people walking around or chatting with others. Right at the end of the stairs and in front of the door to a large room stood a small table with self-adhesive labels and several felt-tip pens laid out. Jan took one and scribbled "FlyingDragon" on a label and then stuck it on his shirt.
Soon someone approached him and looked at him, more specifically, at his name tag. Then the stranger smiled and said, "Hi Fly." Jan first glanced at the small white spot on the stranger's T-shirt. It read: "Leech." Jan lifted his gaze and smiled back: "Hi Lee!"
Thus, the first part of the evening passed, first with looking and then recognizing. There was much laughter and discussion. Stories, mishaps, and blunders from the game were shared, real names were exchanged, hopes were confirmed, but some were also disappointed.
"Serpent," whose real name was Mark, had also come. Jan was happy because he had spoken the most with Mark in the game and in chat, and he was curious about him. Mark was the exact opposite of Jan. While Jan was tall at almost 190 cm, athletic with light brown hair and dark brown eyes, Mark was just over 170 cm, had a slender figure that appeared almost fragile. He wore his black hair cut back to 3 mm and had coal-black eyes.
The two chatted well as always, a lot with each other and also with others, until "Morgaine" - Nicol - showed up. Nicol was Mark's crush. He had often gushed about her to Jan in chat, and it seemed that the two really got along well. He also told Jan that he had high hopes for the meeting because this would be the first time he and Nicol would meet in real life.
Jan left Mark alone with Nicol and went to the others, as there was still much to discover and discuss. The evening dragged on, and Jan noticed that he hadn't seen Mark for quite a while. He asked some of the others, but it seemed that no one knew where Mark was until someone said they thought Mark had left. Jan was a bit disappointed that Mark hadn't said goodbye to him, but he couldn't change that, so he continued chatting with the others.
Then someone came and said that Mark was sitting outside the venue on the stairs and was quite drunk. When Jan asked around a bit, it turned out that Nicol had probably "dumped" Mark, as she told him she had gotten together with someone else, which led Mark to drink too much too quickly.
When the question arose about what to do with Mark, as he couldn't stay on the stairs like that, Jan said he was a bit tired, and since he lived just around the corner, he would take Mark home with him.
Jan found it easy, with his stature, to help the lighter Mark and carry him, half over his shoulder, into his apartment. Once there, Mark immediately vomited in the foyer, after which Jan carried him to the bathroom and set him down on the toilet. "Cheers and bon appétit! What a mess!" Jan thought angrily and also compassionately as he cleaned the foyer. Then he turned his attention to Mark, who was now half-asleep on the toilet, took off his dirty clothes, washed his face with a towel, and finally brought him to bed.
"I hope he doesn't throw up in my bed too," Jan mused to himself as he went back to the bathroom to clean Mark's things. After he finished and took a shower, he lay down in bed and watched Mark suspiciously for a while. But his fears proved unfounded, as Mark was already blissfully asleep, so he turned to his side, ultimately falling asleep himself, while still thinking that Mark was actually a really handsome boy.
Thus began a casual friendship between the two. Afterwards, they met more often, sometimes with others from the group to play soccer or just the two of them to go to the movies. It also became customary for Jan to greet the boy who was a head shorter than him with "Hi Big Guy!" and for Mark to respond with "Hey there, Little Guy!?" Jan was quite sure that Mark liked being greeted that way, because with others who tried it, he quickly made it clear that his name was Mark and that he should be called that. Over time, the group began to fall apart, and so they only met as a duo. When Mark moved and no longer had internet in his new apartment, Jan completely lost contact with him. He regretted the break, as he had come to like Mark quite a bit in the meantime, but he was still uncertain about his feelings for him, and even though he missed Mark and often thought of him, he did nothing to find him.
This would have remained the case until one evening, about half a year later, an unknown name appeared in Jan's ICQ with a message. "Hello Little Guy!" was the short message. Jan replied with a suddenly pounding heart: "Hi Big Guy!" "Hey there?" came the next message with a big smiley behind it. "Mark??? Is that really you!?!?" Jan asked back. "Who did you expect, old man???" came the immediate response, this time with several smileys.
Mark, after he was able to get internet access again, had found Jan. He told Jan that he had been trying to reach him for a few weeks, but he couldn't remember exactly what name Jan was registered under in ICQ, so he tried similar names, but only when they were online.
"Your mobile didn't work," Jan wrote to him, as he had initially tried to reach Mark a few times under his number. "I lost it during the move and with it all the numbers I had, including yours. But your number isn't listed in the phone book?!" came the next message along with Mark's new number. "Yeah, I also moved four months ago and gave up my landline," Jan replied.
The casual friendship between the two now blossomed into a real one. They met much more often than before, either going to the movies or hanging out at Jan's or Mark's, discussing everything under the sun, going skating or biking. They also discovered that the differences between them extended beyond the surface.
Mark was more of a daredevil, but Jan noticed that this was only the surface of him and that he could also be serious and thoughtful. Jan realized that Mark was very intelligent, but he didn't like his cynical attitude toward himself and the world, and he wondered what could make the other boy so bitter. He also thought that Mark should make more of himself and occasionally told him so, but most of the time he only received cynical remarks, which Mark always directed at himself.
Mark was also much more volatile than Jan; he carried his moods like clothes and changed them just as often and quickly. Sometimes he was exuberantly enthusiastic, only to show up the next day in deep despondency, and sometimes it was exactly the opposite. There seemed to be no middle ground for him. He also told Jan about his "conquests," and when things went well, he was funny, cheeky, and lively, the best buddy and friend. But when "love" didn't work out, which was almost always the case after a few weeks, he was filled with self-hatred, and it was difficult to reach him. After a while, Jan also stopped trying to remember the names of his girlfriends, because before he could remember one name, there was already a new girl with a new name.
There were also other things about Mark that puzzled Jan. When the two of them were fooling around and testing their strength against each other during a scuffle, it occasionally got a bit wilder, and Jan noticed during these moments that something was changing in Mark. The smaller boy suddenly fought more seriously, and Jan recognized a desperation in him, which first frightened him and then left him bewildered. Although he was stronger than Mark, he backed off and said, "It's a draw," to which Mark usually replied, "I told you I'm stronger than I look and that you shouldn't underestimate me." "Yes, you did," Jan replied and tickled him to distract both of them. Despite everything, he really liked Mark's cheeky nature and the relaxed moments with him.
Mark, on his part, found the couple of years older Jan somehow fascinating. He seemed almost like a rock in the surf to him. He was calm, balanced, always cheerful and optimistic. Mark knew that nothing was given to Jan in life and that he had to work hard for everything he had achieved, and even though he was only vaguely aware of it himself, he admired him for it. He also realized that he himself was quite moody, and the more he appreciated Jan's calm demeanor and that he always listened to him, accepted his moods with composure, and could always cheer him up. He found it pleasant that he could talk to Jan about anything, and that he could not only tell him about his romantic escapades and problems but also bombard him with all sorts of questions, and that the older boy always had an answer. When he once told Jan, "You are one of the smartest people I know," Jan laughed heartily and said to him, "You just need to look in the mirror more often, big guy." He also liked that Jan went along with many of his crazy ideas and that he could not only talk to him but also have a lot of fun together.
There was only one thing that worried Mark about Jan, and that was Jan's eyes. He always had the feeling that Jan's soft chestnut-brown eyes saw and perceived much more in the world than he admitted. When he looked into Jan's eyes, he felt that Jan was not just looking at him but truly seeing him. He had experienced twice what these eyes could do—once with himself and once after a movie outing together.
On the day Mark experienced the power of those eyes on himself, he had an appointment with Jan. It was a day when the whole world annoys you, and he arrived at Jan's place quite charged and in a bad mood. "Ugh, what crap!" he exclaimed instead of a greeting, and when he saw Jan's questioning expression, he added, "Don't ask me!" And Jan didn't ask, which irritated Mark even more, so he added, "Fuck!" When Jan still said nothing after the third repetition, Mark burst out, "Say something already!" "Sit down," Jan said, grinning at him. Mark was so surprised that he silently sat down in the armchair behind him. Jan brought him a large glass of cola and sat down across from him in his office chair. "Tell me! What's wrong?" he then prompted with a smile. Mark, who quickly recovered from his surprise, replied defiantly, "Well, what do you think? Nothing! Everything is crap!" "Everything? I've heard that before, so please tell me what isn't everything," Jan said. "Life, the world, just everything is messed up! Just crap!" Mark continued to protest.
Jan sighed deeply and said in a serious tone that Mark had never heard from him before, "Alright, Mark, as you wish. I think it's overdue." "What's overdue?" Mark interjected, now a bit unsure and thrown off the course of his sulking. "Mark, listen to me and look at me, please!" Jan said then. And there they were, those eyes. Mark would never forget those eyes. These eyes in which he saw friendship, genuine affection, understanding, but also compassion and help. These soft brown eyes now observed him with full intensity, looked at him, and he suddenly knew that they were penetrating him like X-rays, that he could no longer escape, that he could hide nothing anymore. These eyes saw him and perceived him, just as he was and what he was.
"I'll tell you what your problem is!" Jan said. And he said it, all the bad traits, all the flaws and moods that Mark never wanted to admit to himself. Jan told him all of that. Mark tried to resist; he tried to shake off these truths as if they didn't belong to him, as if they concerned someone else, as if Jan was talking about a stranger. But he could not resist, for there was nothing he could have resisted against. He only saw Jan's eyes, and the warm glow in those eyes was like a friendly light in a cold, dark night. He wanted to reach that light, which promised him safety, warmth, and redemption.
But Jan was not finished yet: "Your biggest problem is that you don't know who you are and what you're worth," he said, and he listed all of Mark's good qualities, telling Mark how he saw him, how he viewed their friendship, and how much it meant to him. He told Mark what he was worth, that his life was worth living. He shared with Mark about his own life and showed him that life, despite all adversities, was something special, something great that one could and should enjoy. His words were like balm for Mark's wounded soul, and when he found the warmth and support he needed in Jan's eyes, his tears could no longer be held back.
With the tears, Mark also found his voice again and began to speak. He poured out many things from his soul, and Jan listened attentively. Time passed, and it became an evening for Mark that he would remember for a long time. But he didn't tell Jan everything, and he knew Jan had noticed this, yet he was genuinely grateful that Jan hadn't pressed further.
The second time Mark was confronted with Jan's eyes happened after a movie night together, and Mark was glad that he was not the target of those eyes that evening. The two were on their way from the cinema to Jan's apartment when Jan suddenly stopped in front of a shop window, while Mark walked ahead and turned into the small side street where Jan's building was located. After a few steps, Mark was approached by two boys coming towards him, or rather, they were hitting on him. After a brief exchange of words, during which Mark made little effort to avoid conflict and clarified the intentions of the two boys, he was already mentally preparing for a rather unpleasant encounter.
But instead of coming towards him as he expected, the two boys suddenly stepped back and looked at something behind Mark. Before Mark could turn around to see for himself, he already heard a voice behind him: "Is there a problem here?" It was Jan's voice, but not in the way Mark knew it. This voice sent chills down his spine, for it was cutting and cold. "Absolutely icy," Mark thought, and when he turned to Jan and their eyes briefly met before Jan's gaze shifted back to the other boys, Mark sharply inhaled and almost took a step back like the other two, for all his instincts screamed "Danger!" at him with that look.
Jan's face was hard and had something unyielding about it, and later Mark could have sworn that in Jan's eyes at that moment a storm was brewing, with actual lightning flashing and cold flames flickering. When Jan repeated his question while his gaze remained on the other boys, Mark heard and felt the clear warning in the question. This was not the friendly, good-natured Jan he knew. This was the Jan who stood firmly in life and was used to facing his problems and resolving them. In the eyes of this Jan lay a cold finality that allowed no thoughts of contradiction and only said one thing: "Don't even try!"
"Hey, hey! We were just chatting!" Mark heard behind him, and when he turned around again, he saw one of the boys raising his hands in a placating manner. Jan said nothing, but his look was enough, and the two boys moved on, crossing to the other side of the street. After a moment of silence, Mark said, "Uhhhh, you scared me!" but when he received only a "Don't do that!" in response from Jan, he was wise enough not to ask what exactly he meant, for he did not want to provoke this Jan. Mark didn't know what was going through Jan's mind, but he caught him several times that evening looking at him, and when he realized that he had been noticed, he quickly looked away. Mark said nothing, but he wouldn't have been himself if he hadn't repeatedly tested Jan's boundaries.
It was on a September day—and Jan often wondered later what had gotten into Mark that evening—when he received a text from Mark late at night saying, "I'm really not feeling well." It was already late, and Jan felt quite tired and had little desire for one of the usual conversations with Mark when he was in a bad mood, so he wrote back briefly instead of calling: "What's wrong?"
Mark replied, "I don't know, I just don't feel good, I feel terrible," and so Jan asked again, "Do you have something? Are you sick?" Mark's next response told him quite a bit more: "No, I'm not. I just don't feel good, I'm so alone." "Pfff... at least with that you're not alone," Jan thought and replied with that. The next text came, and when Jan read the few words, he opened his eyes in surprise: "I miss you." "What was that?!?" he wondered, while a strange feeling spread in his stomach. But he was tired, and since he didn't want to delve into it further right now, he wrote back his suggestion: "We can meet tomorrow," and added a smiley at the end.
"That's not it, it's ... I don't know, I just miss you," came from Mark, and now Jan was really starting to feel uneasy in his stomach. He tried to sort his thoughts and wrote to Mark: "You know I like being with you and that I care about you, so what's wrong, Mark?"
Mark's reply came after a few minutes this time, and Jan became increasingly nervous while waiting. Then it beeped, and on Jan's mobile display it said: "New message from Mark. Read now?" Jan stared at the notification for a few seconds, then pressed the Yes button and read what Mark had written: "I know that, and I like you too ... I don't know, there's just something else about you, somehow more ... I don't know either. Ah fuck ... what do I know!" Jan felt his hands start to shake as he switched from the message to the options and pressed "Call."
"Hey you?" Mark answered.
"What do you mean by that, Mark?" Jan asked directly.
"What do I mean by what?"
"Mark, stop it! You know what I mean. Do you want to talk?"
"Hm, I don't know, I'm just so alone and I hate it. And I've just missed you."
"You're not alone, Mark, you know I'm here for you when you need me, and I really enjoy it when we're together and you ..."
"What and you?"
"Well ... I miss you too, I just like you ...," Jan said quietly.
"But?"
"No but, Mark, I like you ... a lot."
"And?"
"You're not alone, I'm really here for you when you need me, you know that?!", Jan replied.
"That wasn't what you wanted to say!"
"Mark, what's this about? Stop your games! I don't like it."
"I'm always playing, you know that! And now?"
"Then stop it now, I don't like the game!"
"And what if it's not a game?"
"Mark, what do you want to hear from me?" Jan asked, tortured.
"What you want to tell me?"
"Mark, I don't know ... I really don't know ... if you're playing now, I'm going to end up the loser, standing there with my pants down ..."
"And?"
"And you can guess what I would say."
"No, I can't. Just say it!"
"I ... I ... I can't, Mark, I ... my hands are shaking," said Jan, who was now struggling to hold the phone steady. "I ... I don't know, I don't want to stand there with my pants down. Besides, you started it!"
"And? Maybe I'll end up standing there with my pants down. Just say it."
"What should I say, Mark? You started it, you say it!"
"Then I started it! And? You want to say something, so say it!"
"Mark, we're beating around the bush!"
"You! You're beating around the bush."
"Oh Mark," Jan said with a wavering voice, "... I'm sitting here shaking all over, my stomach is completely knotted, and my heart is pounding in my throat ... what do you want to hear, Mark?"
"That's okay, you can tell me," Mark replied.
Jan, whose nerves were now completely frayed, sighed deeply and surrendered to his fate: "Mark, I already told you that I really like you ..."
"And?"
"... and you were right, it's something more ... it's that I ... that I ... that I like you more than just very much ..."
"How more?" - Mark could really be annoying.
"uhh ... much more ... I ... I have a crush on you, Mark ..." Jan could hardly speak, his teeth chattered as if he were freezing, "... and I'm gay, Mark ... and I love you!"
"..."
"Mark? Are you still there?"
"Yes, I am."
"Please say something!!!", Jan pleaded with him.
"I don't know what to say."
Jan was desperate. "Mark!?!? That's really unfair of you! I just totally exposed myself, and now I'm really standing here with my pants down, and you say nothing!? Mark, that's not fair! I didn't want ... I didn't want this, not this! Mark ... please, please say something!"
"I didn't want this ... I honestly don't know what to say. I need to digest this first."
"But ... but you knew what I would say ... you knew ... you challenged me to say it ... you knew it!"
"... Yes ... and no. I thought you were gay, but I didn't know the rest."
"Are you going to hate me now?" Jan asked anxiously.
"No! Definitely not, I like you."
"Do you really like me?"
"Yes, I do, but I need to digest what you told me first, I need to understand it."
After a while, during which the two of them continued talking, the conversation ended, and Jan sat in his chair for a long time but could no longer think clearly. When he finally went to bed, he couldn't fall asleep, and so he tossed and turned until he fell into a restless sleep, from which he kept waking up due to nightmares.
Both Jan and Mark knew and felt that something had changed between them. The topic hovered over their heads, and if it wasn't Mark who brought it up in conversation, it was Jan who started it. Although Mark hadn't expressed how he felt about Jan and his feelings for him, the situation also brought some interesting developments into their lives, especially after a joint visit to the disco.
When the two arrived at Jan's apartment, still excited from dancing and alcohol, Mark asked Jan if he had anything to drink, to which Jan listed various options. Mark wanted a Caipirinha, and Jan made one for both of them. They sat at the dining table chatting when Mark said he was hot. "Then take off your clothes," Jan said, to which Mark, who was only wearing a T-shirt and pants, cheekily replied, "Then I’d be naked. You’d like that, right?" "No, you'd just be in your underwear," Jan grinned and added, "You wouldn't dare take everything off anyway." "I don't care, I have no problem taking off my clothes!" Mark said. Jan laughed, "Then do it! You won't." Mark stood up and turned around a few times, then said, "I can't if you're watching!" Jan nearly choked with laughter: "I told you, you won't do it!" "Not if you're watching!" Mark replied. "Fine, I'll disappear for a moment in the bathroom," Jan said and stood up. When he returned shortly after, Mark was sitting at the table in his boxers, sipping his Caipirinha. Jan smiled mockingly: "You're still in your underwear, I told you." "You're fully dressed!" Mark shot back as he stood up. "I wasn't hot either," Jan said. "So what? Are you daring or not?" he asked Mark, who was approaching him. "You’re not daring either," he retorted, to which Jan just laughed and said, "It’s not about me! So don’t change the subject!"
Now Mark was in front of him. "Well, if you weren't hot, maybe you're cold?" he asked, and his hands started fiddling with Jan's belt. Jan, who stood frozen for a second, grinned widely and said, "Maybe I'm cold. Do you want to warm me up?" "Maybe I do," Mark replied, stretching and then pressing a kiss on Jan's lips while opening his belt and unbuttoning his pants. Jan wrapped his hands around Mark's waist and returned the kiss, prompting Mark to gently push him towards the bed with the words, "Come on!" where the two soon landed—completely without their clothes.
But such events were very rare and only happened when both were a bit tipsy, and it never went beyond mutual caressing, kissing, and other small games. Jan still didn’t know what Mark thought of him, and he didn’t push for a concrete statement because he was afraid that Mark, feeling cornered, would give him a definitive rejection. So he was very surprised when one day Mark called him with the news that his mother had gifted him a trip for his birthday and that he wanted to ask him if he would like to come along. His reasoning was that he had a double room and it would be cheaper for both if they were together, which sounded quite logical, but Jan still had thoughts and hopes when he agreed.
Time passed, and with it the summer, and one Sunday in early September, Jan suddenly found himself at the airport waiting for Mark, who arrived at the agreed time. "The tickets are reserved. We just have to pick them up," he said, and the two went to the airline counter, where they received their tickets after verifying their information. "Now, off to the sea, sun, and palm trees! Tunisia, here we come!" Jan said as he tucked his ticket away. "Sunburn, here I come!" Mark grinned back at him, and they went to drop off their luggage and check in.
While they were still in the terminal drinking a cola, Jan studied his ticket, and then he suddenly started laughing. "What is it?" Mark asked, but Jan couldn't respond for laughing. Instead, he held out his ticket to him and then the travel guide he had bought back when Mark told him where the trip was going. Mark looked at both and stared at Jan with confused eyes: "Yes, and? What's that about?" asked Jan, who, once he had somewhat composed himself, first showed him their destination on the map of Tunisia in the travel guide and then the title of the guide. Mark looked puzzled at first and then started laughing. "Why did you buy this?" he asked, laughing. "Because you told me, you airhead, that we were flying somewhere in the south of Tunisia!" Jan grinned at him. On the front cover of the travel guide, it read in large letters "Djerba - Southern Tunisia," and on the flight ticket, their destination was Tunis. "Well, at least I know now where we are flying to and not just when we get there," Jan said, still grinning widely. Then it was time for boarding, and they soon flew towards the sea, sun, and palm trees.
When they arrived in Tunis, it was raining. When they reached the hotel, there was a storm. The rain was not just falling; it poured from the sky in large and thick drops in incredible amounts, and soon cherry-sized ice pellets were also hailing down. Huge lightning bolts streaked from one end of the sky to the other and towards the ground. The wind whipped and bent the thick palm trees almost to the ground and pushed one of the large windows in the hotel lobby dome in. It was now raining inside as well, and then the power went out.
Jan and Mark did receive their room key, but in the pitch-black corridors, they had no chance, so they waited with the others in the hotel’s animation hall. Soon, staff members came in, lit candles, and distributed them. Mark took two, and so he went with Jan to their room, where they only dropped off their luggage before returning to the other waiting guests.
The darkness was repeatedly illuminated by flashes of lightning that threatened to tear the sky apart, and in this light, they could observe the pouring rain and the trees and palms wildly swaying in the wind through the hall's windows.
As often happens in such situations, people huddled closer together and began to talk to one another. Jan and Mark joined a young couple, and soon two more boys around their age joined the group. Mark, who was quite adept at such things, soon procured two bottles of wine and some glasses and plastic cups. So now, the six of them waited for the storm to pass, conversing, drinking the wine, and acknowledging the beginning of their vacation with gallows humor.
The storm passed after about three-quarters of an hour, but the power remained out. People took the candles and tried to find their rooms. Jan and Mark also left but arranged to meet up with the others later.
The two reached their room and now sat in the light of a candle (they wanted to save the other one, as they didn't know when the power would come back) and talked quietly when suddenly, after a while, it became bright again. The power was back.
Now they could examine the room they had received. It turned out that Mark's mother really had good connections with the travel agency. They didn't just get a simple double room, but a small maisonette. Downstairs was a large double bed, a desk recessed in a nook with a huge mirror on the wall behind it, a TV stand (which actually had a functioning television on it), two comfortable armchairs, and a balcony with a table and chairs. In the entrance area, there were spacious wardrobes with plenty of space, and a nice bathroom with a tub was also included. A staircase with a wrought-iron railing led to the second level, where there were two single beds and two more wardrobes.
Jan would have preferred to stay downstairs in the double bed—and he hoped Mark would want that too—but when Mark went upstairs and made himself comfortable on one of the beds, starting to unpack his things, Jan followed him and took the other bed.
The next day, the traces left by the storm were evident. Upset plants, palm leaves, branches, and puddles everywhere, but the sky was once again bright blue, and the sun was already shining down hotly at nine o'clock. The following days continued to be beautiful and cloudless, and even though Jan buried his budding hopes because Mark constantly annoyed him about what he should bring as a gift for his girlfriend, the two enjoyed this time together and with the others, whom they were now getting to know a bit better. Jan and Mark also took a trip to Tunis to the bazaar, and both had fun with the bustling activity and browsing in the many small shops.
On Thursday afternoon, when the two returned from the beach, the program consisted— as usual—of showering to wash the salt off their bodies and out of their hair. Mark was the first to take a shower, and Jan, who had wrapped a towel around his waist, lay on his stomach on the large double bed reading a book.
When Mark came out of the shower, he had also wrapped a towel around his waist. When Jan glanced over at him, he took it off, laid it on one of the armchairs, stretched, and said cheerfully, "Hmmm... that was really nice."
Jan lay there as if turned to stone and couldn't take his eyes off Mark. He admired his slender body, which now glistened lightly tanned like bronze in the subdued light that filtered through the thick curtains. He breathlessly admired every muscle on his arms and legs and how his ribs were outlined under his skin. His gaze lingered on the white skin that had been protected from the sun by his swimsuit and then wandered back up.
Mark said nothing, but went to the bed and lay on his back next to Jan on the other half of the bed. He stretched again, then crossed his arms behind his head and closed his eyes.
Jan realized that he had been holding his breath and now took a deep breath. His heart raced, his pulse quickened, his head was a chaos, his thoughts were racing wildly, and he couldn't grasp a single moment to think: "What is he doing? Damn, he wants to seduce me!?! Does he mean it seriously? If that’s not seduction, I don’t know what is! What should I do? Oh please, let it be true! Look at that little tease! What do I do now? Mark, what are you doing to me? He hasn’t had anything to drink! What is this now? What do I do now? And if he doesn’t want that? What does he want anyway? Mark, help me!"
Although only a few seconds passed, Jan felt as if they
"Are
The conversations and discussions between the two became more difficult. The carefree attitude they had shared until then was gone, and both reacted sensitively to each other's remarks. Driven by his love and hopes, Jan interpreted Mark's vague comments and jokes as positive signs, while Mark, feeling increasingly cornered, overreacted to Jan's jokes and hints. Once again, it was Mark who first lost his temper, expressing his displeasure when he wrote to Jan, partly annoyed and partly desperate, "Ahhhh, it’s tough with you! I like you, but lately, I have to weigh every word carefully! I can’t handle it! I want things to be like they used to be between us!" Jan, shocked at the thought of losing Mark's friendship, promised to improve, but not without pointing out Mark's overreactions. Indeed, slowly their carefree attitude returned, though not to the same extent as before. They began to meet more often and go out together more frequently.
One evening, the two were once again in Jan's apartment, sitting at the PC and playing when Mark complained after a while that his neck and back hurt. "Sit up straight," Jan said, positioning himself behind Mark's chair. Mark followed the suggestion, and Jan began to massage Mark's neck and shoulders. "Ahhh man! That feels good!" he sighed as the tension in his muscles slowly eased under Jan's skilled hands. "If you want, I can give you a massage," Jan offered. "Really?" Mark asked. "Ehhh... yeah, just normally, with massage oil. What did you think?" Jan replied somewhat confused, as he hadn't thought much about his offer. "OK," Mark agreed. "Then lie down on the sofa," Jan said and went to the bathroom to get the oil. "Uhhh, you, Mark...?" he started when he returned and found Mark lying on the sofa in just his shorts. "What is it?" Mark asked. "Um... well... maybe you should take off your shorts too, otherwise, they'll get oily," Jan said a bit uncertainly. "Alright," Mark replied and took off his shorts as well. "Here’s a towel!" Jan said, handing him the mentioned fabric. "It's fine," Mark said, "I don't need that!" "You might not, but the sofa underneath you definitely does!" Jan grinned at him. "Ah, I see..." Mark said, smiling apologetically. Jan applied some oil to Mark's back and shoulders and on his own hands and began to massage Mark. Shoulders, arms, back, and legs were treated in turn. "Ohhh...!" Mark sighed, enjoying the treatment, "Where did you learn to do this so well!?" "Ah, you pick up things here and there," Jan downplayed his talent. "You know I do a lot of sports, so you learn how to deal with muscle cramps and such," he added as an explanation. After a while, Jan found himself in a little dilemma: "Uhhh... Mark, you... need to turn around now," he said. Mark simply turned over, and Jan felt even more conflicted inside. His dreams seemed to be coming true; Mark lay before him, and his body awaited his touches. He held his breath as he admired Mark almost reverently. But his mood was cooled by the fact that there were no signs from Mark that he wanted anything more than the massage. Jan pulled himself together and focused on the massage, loosening the still tense muscles, kneading them, and after about fifteen minutes, he left a relaxed and completely satisfied Mark behind as he crouched at his feet on the sofa and said, "So, all done!"
Mark propped himself up on his elbows and looked over at Jan. "You would want more, wouldn't you?" he asked, and Jan—still lost in his thoughts—responded involuntarily with a "Yes," only to then realize what he had just said and exclaimed, "No! No! No, I didn't mean that! I didn't mean it that way!" "Yes, you did," Mark said. Now overwhelmed, Jan turned to him: "What do you want, Mark?! What do you want?!" and Mark, hearing the clear pain in Jan's voice and seeing his usually clear eyes clouded with tears, finally realized what he meant to him and how much he loved him. "I want us to be friends," he said. "Is it because of Tunisia?" Jan asked in a choked voice, still remembering the events of that time. "No, it’s not. And stop blaming yourself for it! You’re not responsible for what happened!" Jan, now seeing all his hopes fade and his worst fears come true, fell silent. "I'm just not gay," Mark said.
"Maybe a bit bi, but not gay. I know that you love me, and I know it really sucks for you right now, but it can't happen. I wish it were different. Honestly! But you're a boy... and I'm just not into boys. It can't happen. I really like you, but I can't give you what you want. Sorry! Really! I know I should have said this much earlier, but I couldn't. I was also confused when you told me back then that you loved me. I had to process that and deal with it first. I like you, and I was overwhelmed by it. It has to do with the thing from back then, but not with you! I mean, I’m also to blame because I somehow wanted to... well... try it with you, but... I don’t even know myself. What we had was okay, but I know you want more, and that can't happen. I always have these images in my head, and I can't do that, and somehow I also can't really imagine being with a boy. I mean living together and all. I know it all sounds totally illogical and so, but I can't explain it any other way. When I think about being together, I somehow always think of a woman. If you were a woman, or if I were into boys, I wouldn't want anyone else but you!!! Really! And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that life is so messed up! It's totally crazy, you would give me everything I wish for, and I can't, and you want me, and that can't happen either. I didn't want to hurt you, but I also didn't know what to do. I hate this, and I'm sorry. Believe me, I wish it were different. But it's not different, and I can't change it. I like you, and I want us to be friends, but nothing more."
Jan knew that now - after Mark had made his decision - it was his turn, and that he also had to make a decision. He sighed deeply, and then his decision was made: "It's okay, Mark. We are friends!" Then he thought for a moment and said with a slight smile: "... and thanks for the compliment!" Mark, who was watching him intently, grinned back: "But it's true." Then he got up and, saying, "I'm going to wash off the oil!", he disappeared into the bathroom, and Jan soon heard the splashing of water from the shower. After Mark was done, Jan also went to take a shower. Meanwhile, Mark lay down in bed and fell asleep almost immediately, relaxed from the massage and the shower. Jan stood under the warm water for a long time, letting everything run through his mind again. "Alright, Mark, I won't love you because I love you," he thought, and as his tears mixed with the water, he couldn't help but smile at his paradoxical thoughts. When he finally came out of the bathroom, he saw that Mark had already fallen asleep. He lay down as well and watched him
Jan lay in bed and watched Mark, his slender figure under the blanket, the relaxed face in which the softer features of the former child could now be discerned, the pointed nose, the tousled black hair, the delicate, long fingers resting on the pillow.
"Ah, my big one! I could give you so much. I want to give you so much. You deserve it more than anyone else and you are worth it," he thought. "Just a word from you, just a word... but it seems it was not meant to be." Jan sighed and wondered if Mark knew what price he had paid for their friendship and would still pay. "I don't know exactly either," he thought, "but it is very high. Will I be able to pay it? Will I be able to endure paying it or will I fall apart in the process?"
The line "Life is a piece of shit, if you look at it" from "The Life of Brian" came to Jan's mind. He turned onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He thought back and tried to recall how it all began, and as he pondered, his eyes slowly began to close.
Jan had been excited all afternoon, even though the meeting was only in the evening. "I wonder what the others will be like," he asked himself as he gathered his clothes for the evening. He already knew them all, just as the others knew him, but that evening was supposed to be different. Because this time it wasn't online, where there was only a FlyingDragon or a Serpent; this time it was a live meeting.
Jan enjoyed gaming and chatting, and gradually a circle of "acquaintances" formed with whom he either played online or chatted. One day, someone suggested that they should also meet "live," and thus the event was planned for that evening.
Fortunately or unfortunately for Jan, the chosen venue was not far from his apartment, so he didn't have to hurry, which only increased his nervousness given that time seemed to stand still. Finally, it was time, and he set off.
"Is there a meeting here...?" Jan asked somewhat uncertainly at the coat check when he arrived at the venue. The woman behind the counter smiled and pointed to the stairs: "Yes, they are on the first floor." Upon reaching the top, Jan saw several people walking around or chatting with others. Right at the end of the stairs and in front of the door to a large room stood a small table with self-adhesive labels and several felt-tip pens laid out. Jan took one and scribbled "FlyingDragon" on a label and then stuck it on his shirt.
Soon someone approached him and looked at him, more specifically, at his name tag. Then the stranger smiled and said, "Hi Fly." Jan first glanced at the small white spot on the stranger's T-shirt. It read: "Leech." Jan lifted his gaze and smiled back: "Hi Lee!"
Thus, the first part of the evening passed, first with looking and then recognizing. There was much laughter and discussion. Stories, mishaps, and blunders from the game were shared, real names were exchanged, hopes were confirmed, but some were also disappointed.
"Serpent," whose real name was Mark, had also come. Jan was happy because he had spoken the most with Mark in the game and in chat, and he was curious about him. Mark was the exact opposite of Jan. While Jan was tall at almost 190 cm, athletic with light brown hair and dark brown eyes, Mark was just over 170 cm, had a slender figure that appeared almost fragile. He wore his black hair cut back to 3 mm and had coal-black eyes.
The two chatted well as always, a lot with each other and also with others, until "Morgaine" - Nicol - showed up. Nicol was Mark's crush. He had often gushed about her to Jan in chat, and it seemed that the two really got along well. He also told Jan that he had high hopes for the meeting because this would be the first time he and Nicol would meet in real life.
Jan left Mark alone with Nicol and went to the others, as there was still much to discover and discuss. The evening dragged on, and Jan noticed that he hadn't seen Mark for quite a while. He asked some of the others, but it seemed that no one knew where Mark was until someone said they thought Mark had left. Jan was a bit disappointed that Mark hadn't said goodbye to him, but he couldn't change that, so he continued chatting with the others.
Then someone came and said that Mark was sitting outside the venue on the stairs and was quite drunk. When Jan asked around a bit, it turned out that Nicol had probably "dumped" Mark, as she told him she had gotten together with someone else, which led Mark to drink too much too quickly.
When the question arose about what to do with Mark, as he couldn't stay on the stairs like that, Jan said he was a bit tired, and since he lived just around the corner, he would take Mark home with him.
Jan found it easy, with his stature, to help the lighter Mark and carry him, half over his shoulder, into his apartment. Once there, Mark immediately vomited in the foyer, after which Jan carried him to the bathroom and set him down on the toilet. "Cheers and bon appétit! What a mess!" Jan thought angrily and also compassionately as he cleaned the foyer. Then he turned his attention to Mark, who was now half-asleep on the toilet, took off his dirty clothes, washed his face with a towel, and finally brought him to bed.
"I hope he doesn't throw up in my bed too," Jan mused to himself as he went back to the bathroom to clean Mark's things. After he finished and took a shower, he lay down in bed and watched Mark suspiciously for a while. But his fears proved unfounded, as Mark was already blissfully asleep, so he turned to his side, ultimately falling asleep himself, while still thinking that Mark was actually a really handsome boy.
Thus began a casual friendship between the two. Afterwards, they met more often, sometimes with others from the group to play soccer or just the two of them to go to the movies. It also became customary for Jan to greet the boy who was a head shorter than him with "Hi Big Guy!" and for Mark to respond with "Hey there, Little Guy!?" Jan was quite sure that Mark liked being greeted that way, because with others who tried it, he quickly made it clear that his name was Mark and that he should be called that. Over time, the group began to fall apart, and so they only met as a duo. When Mark moved and no longer had internet in his new apartment, Jan completely lost contact with him. He regretted the break, as he had come to like Mark quite a bit in the meantime, but he was still uncertain about his feelings for him, and even though he missed Mark and often thought of him, he did nothing to find him.
This would have remained the case until one evening, about half a year later, an unknown name appeared in Jan's ICQ with a message. "Hello Little Guy!" was the short message. Jan replied with a suddenly pounding heart: "Hi Big Guy!" "Hey there?" came the next message with a big smiley behind it. "Mark??? Is that really you!?!?" Jan asked back. "Who did you expect, old man???" came the immediate response, this time with several smileys.
Mark, after he was able to get internet access again, had found Jan. He told Jan that he had been trying to reach him for a few weeks, but he couldn't remember exactly what name Jan was registered under in ICQ, so he tried similar names, but only when they were online.
"Your mobile didn't work," Jan wrote to him, as he had initially tried to reach Mark a few times under his number. "I lost it during the move and with it all the numbers I had, including yours. But your number isn't listed in the phone book?!" came the next message along with Mark's new number. "Yeah, I also moved four months ago and gave up my landline," Jan replied.
The casual friendship between the two now blossomed into a real one. They met much more often than before, either going to the movies or hanging out at Jan's or Mark's, discussing everything under the sun, going skating or biking. They also discovered that the differences between them extended beyond the surface.
Mark was more of a daredevil, but Jan noticed that this was only the surface of him and that he could also be serious and thoughtful. Jan realized that Mark was very intelligent, but he didn't like his cynical attitude toward himself and the world, and he wondered what could make the other boy so bitter. He also thought that Mark should make more of himself and occasionally told him so, but most of the time he only received cynical remarks, which Mark always directed at himself.
Mark was also much more volatile than Jan; he carried his moods like clothes and changed them just as often and quickly. Sometimes he was exuberantly enthusiastic, only to show up the next day in deep despondency, and sometimes it was exactly the opposite. There seemed to be no middle ground for him. He also told Jan about his "conquests," and when things went well, he was funny, cheeky, and lively, the best buddy and friend. But when "love" didn't work out, which was almost always the case after a few weeks, he was filled with self-hatred, and it was difficult to reach him. After a while, Jan also stopped trying to remember the names of his girlfriends, because before he could remember one name, there was already a new girl with a new name.
There were also other things about Mark that puzzled Jan. When the two of them were fooling around and testing their strength against each other during a scuffle, it occasionally got a bit wilder, and Jan noticed during these moments that something was changing in Mark. The smaller boy suddenly fought more seriously, and Jan recognized a desperation in him, which first frightened him and then left him bewildered. Although he was stronger than Mark, he backed off and said, "It's a draw," to which Mark usually replied, "I told you I'm stronger than I look and that you shouldn't underestimate me." "Yes, you did," Jan replied and tickled him to distract both of them. Despite everything, he really liked Mark's cheeky nature and the relaxed moments with him.
Mark, on his part, found the couple of years older Jan somehow fascinating. He seemed almost like a rock in the surf to him. He was calm, balanced, always cheerful and optimistic. Mark knew that nothing was given to Jan in life and that he had to work hard for everything he had achieved, and even though he was only vaguely aware of it himself, he admired him for it. He also realized that he himself was quite moody, and the more he appreciated Jan's calm demeanor and that he always listened to him, accepted his moods with composure, and could always cheer him up. He found it pleasant that he could talk to Jan about anything, and that he could not only tell him about his romantic escapades and problems but also bombard him with all sorts of questions, and that the older boy always had an answer. When he once told Jan, "You are one of the smartest people I know," Jan laughed heartily and said to him, "You just need to look in the mirror more often, big guy." He also liked that Jan went along with many of his crazy ideas and that he could not only talk to him but also have a lot of fun together.
There was only one thing that worried Mark about Jan, and that was Jan's eyes. He always had the feeling that Jan's soft chestnut-brown eyes saw and perceived much more in the world than he admitted. When he looked into Jan's eyes, he felt that Jan was not just looking at him but truly seeing him. He had experienced twice what these eyes could do—once with himself and once after a movie outing together.
On the day Mark experienced the power of those eyes on himself, he had an appointment with Jan. It was a day when the whole world annoys you, and he arrived at Jan's place quite charged and in a bad mood. "Ugh, what crap!" he exclaimed instead of a greeting, and when he saw Jan's questioning expression, he added, "Don't ask me!" And Jan didn't ask, which irritated Mark even more, so he added, "Fuck!" When Jan still said nothing after the third repetition, Mark burst out, "Say something already!" "Sit down," Jan said, grinning at him. Mark was so surprised that he silently sat down in the armchair behind him. Jan brought him a large glass of cola and sat down across from him in his office chair. "Tell me! What's wrong?" he then prompted with a smile. Mark, who quickly recovered from his surprise, replied defiantly, "Well, what do you think? Nothing! Everything is crap!" "Everything? I've heard that before, so please tell me what isn't everything," Jan said. "Life, the world, just everything is messed up! Just crap!" Mark continued to protest.
Jan sighed deeply and said in a serious tone that Mark had never heard from him before, "Alright, Mark, as you wish. I think it's overdue." "What's overdue?" Mark interjected, now a bit unsure and thrown off the course of his sulking. "Mark, listen to me and look at me, please!" Jan said then. And there they were, those eyes. Mark would never forget those eyes. These eyes in which he saw friendship, genuine affection, understanding, but also compassion and help. These soft brown eyes now observed him with full intensity, looked at him, and he suddenly knew that they were penetrating him like X-rays, that he could no longer escape, that he could hide nothing anymore. These eyes saw him and perceived him, just as he was and what he was.
"I'll tell you what your problem is!" Jan said. And he said it, all the bad traits, all the flaws and moods that Mark never wanted to admit to himself. Jan told him all of that. Mark tried to resist; he tried to shake off these truths as if they didn't belong to him, as if they concerned someone else, as if Jan was talking about a stranger. But he could not resist, for there was nothing he could have resisted against. He only saw Jan's eyes, and the warm glow in those eyes was like a friendly light in a cold, dark night. He wanted to reach that light, which promised him safety, warmth, and redemption.
But Jan was not finished yet: "Your biggest problem is that you don't know who you are and what you're worth," he said, and he listed all of Mark's good qualities, telling Mark how he saw him, how he viewed their friendship, and how much it meant to him. He told Mark what he was worth, that his life was worth living. He shared with Mark about his own life and showed him that life, despite all adversities, was something special, something great that one could and should enjoy. His words were like balm for Mark's wounded soul, and when he found the warmth and support he needed in Jan's eyes, his tears could no longer be held back.
With the tears, Mark also found his voice again and began to speak. He poured out many things from his soul, and Jan listened attentively. Time passed, and it became an evening for Mark that he would remember for a long time. But he didn't tell Jan everything, and he knew Jan had noticed this, yet he was genuinely grateful that Jan hadn't pressed further.
The second time Mark was confronted with Jan's eyes happened after a movie night together, and Mark was glad that he was not the target of those eyes that evening. The two were on their way from the cinema to Jan's apartment when Jan suddenly stopped in front of a shop window, while Mark walked ahead and turned into the small side street where Jan's building was located. After a few steps, Mark was approached by two boys coming towards him, or rather, they were hitting on him. After a brief exchange of words, during which Mark made little effort to avoid conflict and clarified the intentions of the two boys, he was already mentally preparing for a rather unpleasant encounter.
But instead of coming towards him as he expected, the two boys suddenly stepped back and looked at something behind Mark. Before Mark could turn around to see for himself, he already heard a voice behind him: "Is there a problem here?" It was Jan's voice, but not in the way Mark knew it. This voice sent chills down his spine, for it was cutting and cold. "Absolutely icy," Mark thought, and when he turned to Jan and their eyes briefly met before Jan's gaze shifted back to the other boys, Mark sharply inhaled and almost took a step back like the other two, for all his instincts screamed "Danger!" at him with that look.
Jan's face was hard and had something unyielding about it, and later Mark could have sworn that in Jan's eyes at that moment a storm was brewing, with actual lightning flashing and cold flames flickering. When Jan repeated his question while his gaze remained on the other boys, Mark heard and felt the clear warning in the question. This was not the friendly, good-natured Jan he knew. This was the Jan who stood firmly in life and was used to facing his problems and resolving them. In the eyes of this Jan lay a cold finality that allowed no thoughts of contradiction and only said one thing: "Don't even try!"
"Hey, hey! We were just chatting!" Mark heard behind him, and when he turned around again, he saw one of the boys raising his hands in a placating manner. Jan said nothing, but his look was enough, and the two boys moved on, crossing to the other side of the street. After a moment of silence, Mark said, "Uhhhh, you scared me!" but when he received only a "Don't do that!" in response from Jan, he was wise enough not to ask what exactly he meant, for he did not want to provoke this Jan. Mark didn't know what was going through Jan's mind, but he caught him several times that evening looking at him, and when he realized that he had been noticed, he quickly looked away. Mark said nothing, but he wouldn't have been himself if he hadn't repeatedly tested Jan's boundaries.
It was on a September day—and Jan often wondered later what had gotten into Mark that evening—when he received a text from Mark late at night saying, "I'm really not feeling well." It was already late, and Jan felt quite tired and had little desire for one of the usual conversations with Mark when he was in a bad mood, so he wrote back briefly instead of calling: "What's wrong?"
Mark replied, "I don't know, I just don't feel good, I feel terrible," and so Jan asked again, "Do you have something? Are you sick?" Mark's next response told him quite a bit more: "No, I'm not. I just don't feel good, I'm so alone." "Pfff... at least with that you're not alone," Jan thought and replied with that. The next text came, and when Jan read the few words, he opened his eyes in surprise: "I miss you." "What was that?!?" he wondered, while a strange feeling spread in his stomach. But he was tired, and since he didn't want to delve into it further right now, he wrote back his suggestion: "We can meet tomorrow," and added a smiley at the end.
"That's not it, it's ... I don't know, I just miss you," came from Mark, and now Jan was really starting to feel uneasy in his stomach. He tried to sort his thoughts and wrote to Mark: "You know I like being with you and that I care about you, so what's wrong, Mark?"
Mark's reply came after a few minutes this time, and Jan became increasingly nervous while waiting. Then it beeped, and on Jan's mobile display it said: "New message from Mark. Read now?" Jan stared at the notification for a few seconds, then pressed the Yes button and read what Mark had written: "I know that, and I like you too ... I don't know, there's just something else about you, somehow more ... I don't know either. Ah fuck ... what do I know!" Jan felt his hands start to shake as he switched from the message to the options and pressed "Call."
"Hey you?" Mark answered.
"What do you mean by that, Mark?" Jan asked directly.
"What do I mean by what?"
"Mark, stop it! You know what I mean. Do you want to talk?"
"Hm, I don't know, I'm just so alone and I hate it. And I've just missed you."
"You're not alone, Mark, you know I'm here for you when you need me, and I really enjoy it when we're together and you ..."
"What and you?"
"Well ... I miss you too, I just like you ...," Jan said quietly.
"But?"
"No but, Mark, I like you ... a lot."
"And?"
"You're not alone, I'm really here for you when you need me, you know that?!", Jan replied.
"That wasn't what you wanted to say!"
"Mark, what's this about? Stop your games! I don't like it."
"I'm always playing, you know that! And now?"
"Then stop it now, I don't like the game!"
"And what if it's not a game?"
"Mark, what do you want to hear from me?" Jan asked, tortured.
"What you want to tell me?"
"Mark, I don't know ... I really don't know ... if you're playing now, I'm going to end up the loser, standing there with my pants down ..."
"And?"
"And you can guess what I would say."
"No, I can't. Just say it!"
"I ... I ... I can't, Mark, I ... my hands are shaking," said Jan, who was now struggling to hold the phone steady. "I ... I don't know, I don't want to stand there with my pants down. Besides, you started it!"
"And? Maybe I'll end up standing there with my pants down. Just say it."
"What should I say, Mark? You started it, you say it!"
"Then I started it! And? You want to say something, so say it!"
"Mark, we're beating around the bush!"
"You! You're beating around the bush."
"Oh Mark," Jan said with a wavering voice, "... I'm sitting here shaking all over, my stomach is completely knotted, and my heart is pounding in my throat ... what do you want to hear, Mark?"
"That's okay, you can tell me," Mark replied.
Jan, whose nerves were now completely frayed, sighed deeply and surrendered to his fate: "Mark, I already told you that I really like you ..."
"And?"
"... and you were right, it's something more ... it's that I ... that I ... that I like you more than just very much ..."
"How more?" - Mark could really be annoying.
"uhh ... much more ... I ... I have a crush on you, Mark ..." Jan could hardly speak, his teeth chattered as if he were freezing, "... and I'm gay, Mark ... and I love you!"
"..."
"Mark? Are you still there?"
"Yes, I am."
"Please say something!!!", Jan pleaded with him.
"I don't know what to say."
Jan was desperate. "Mark!?!? That's really unfair of you! I just totally exposed myself, and now I'm really standing here with my pants down, and you say nothing!? Mark, that's not fair! I didn't want ... I didn't want this, not this! Mark ... please, please say something!"
"I didn't want this ... I honestly don't know what to say. I need to digest this first."
"But ... but you knew what I would say ... you knew ... you challenged me to say it ... you knew it!"
"... Yes ... and no. I thought you were gay, but I didn't know the rest."
"Are you going to hate me now?" Jan asked anxiously.
"No! Definitely not, I like you."
"Do you really like me?"
"Yes, I do, but I need to digest what you told me first, I need to understand it."
After a while, during which the two of them continued talking, the conversation ended, and Jan sat in his chair for a long time but could no longer think clearly. When he finally went to bed, he couldn't fall asleep, and so he tossed and turned until he fell into a restless sleep, from which he kept waking up due to nightmares.
Both Jan and Mark knew and felt that something had changed between them. The topic hovered over their heads, and if it wasn't Mark who brought it up in conversation, it was Jan who started it. Although Mark hadn't expressed how he felt about Jan and his feelings for him, the situation also brought some interesting developments into their lives, especially after a joint visit to the disco.
When the two arrived at Jan's apartment, still excited from dancing and alcohol, Mark asked Jan if he had anything to drink, to which Jan listed various options. Mark wanted a Caipirinha, and Jan made one for both of them. They sat at the dining table chatting when Mark said he was hot. "Then take off your clothes," Jan said, to which Mark, who was only wearing a T-shirt and pants, cheekily replied, "Then I’d be naked. You’d like that, right?" "No, you'd just be in your underwear," Jan grinned and added, "You wouldn't dare take everything off anyway." "I don't care, I have no problem taking off my clothes!" Mark said. Jan laughed, "Then do it! You won't." Mark stood up and turned around a few times, then said, "I can't if you're watching!" Jan nearly choked with laughter: "I told you, you won't do it!" "Not if you're watching!" Mark replied. "Fine, I'll disappear for a moment in the bathroom," Jan said and stood up. When he returned shortly after, Mark was sitting at the table in his boxers, sipping his Caipirinha. Jan smiled mockingly: "You're still in your underwear, I told you." "You're fully dressed!" Mark shot back as he stood up. "I wasn't hot either," Jan said. "So what? Are you daring or not?" he asked Mark, who was approaching him. "You’re not daring either," he retorted, to which Jan just laughed and said, "It’s not about me! So don’t change the subject!"
Now Mark was in front of him. "Well, if you weren't hot, maybe you're cold?" he asked, and his hands started fiddling with Jan's belt. Jan, who stood frozen for a second, grinned widely and said, "Maybe I'm cold. Do you want to warm me up?" "Maybe I do," Mark replied, stretching and then pressing a kiss on Jan's lips while opening his belt and unbuttoning his pants. Jan wrapped his hands around Mark's waist and returned the kiss, prompting Mark to gently push him towards the bed with the words, "Come on!" where the two soon landed—completely without their clothes.
But such events were very rare and only happened when both were a bit tipsy, and it never went beyond mutual caressing, kissing, and other small games. Jan still didn’t know what Mark thought of him, and he didn’t push for a concrete statement because he was afraid that Mark, feeling cornered, would give him a definitive rejection. So he was very surprised when one day Mark called him with the news that his mother had gifted him a trip for his birthday and that he wanted to ask him if he would like to come along. His reasoning was that he had a double room and it would be cheaper for both if they were together, which sounded quite logical, but Jan still had thoughts and hopes when he agreed.
Time passed, and with it the summer, and one Sunday in early September, Jan suddenly found himself at the airport waiting for Mark, who arrived at the agreed time. "The tickets are reserved. We just have to pick them up," he said, and the two went to the airline counter, where they received their tickets after verifying their information. "Now, off to the sea, sun, and palm trees! Tunisia, here we come!" Jan said as he tucked his ticket away. "Sunburn, here I come!" Mark grinned back at him, and they went to drop off their luggage and check in.
While they were still in the terminal drinking a cola, Jan studied his ticket, and then he suddenly started laughing. "What is it?" Mark asked, but Jan couldn't respond for laughing. Instead, he held out his ticket to him and then the travel guide he had bought back when Mark told him where the trip was going. Mark looked at both and stared at Jan with confused eyes: "Yes, and? What's that about?" asked Jan, who, once he had somewhat composed himself, first showed him their destination on the map of Tunisia in the travel guide and then the title of the guide. Mark looked puzzled at first and then started laughing. "Why did you buy this?" he asked, laughing. "Because you told me, you airhead, that we were flying somewhere in the south of Tunisia!" Jan grinned at him. On the front cover of the travel guide, it read in large letters "Djerba - Southern Tunisia," and on the flight ticket, their destination was Tunis. "Well, at least I know now where we are flying to and not just when we get there," Jan said, still grinning widely. Then it was time for boarding, and they soon flew towards the sea, sun, and palm trees.
When they arrived in Tunis, it was raining. When they reached the hotel, there was a storm. The rain was not just falling; it poured from the sky in large and thick drops in incredible amounts, and soon cherry-sized ice pellets were also hailing down. Huge lightning bolts streaked from one end of the sky to the other and towards the ground. The wind whipped and bent the thick palm trees almost to the ground and pushed one of the large windows in the hotel lobby dome in. It was now raining inside as well, and then the power went out.
Jan and Mark did receive their room key, but in the pitch-black corridors, they had no chance, so they waited with the others in the hotel’s animation hall. Soon, staff members came in, lit candles, and distributed them. Mark took two, and so he went with Jan to their room, where they only dropped off their luggage before returning to the other waiting guests.
The darkness was repeatedly illuminated by flashes of lightning that threatened to tear the sky apart, and in this light, they could observe the pouring rain and the trees and palms wildly swaying in the wind through the hall's windows.
As often happens in such situations, people huddled closer together and began to talk to one another. Jan and Mark joined a young couple, and soon two more boys around their age joined the group. Mark, who was quite adept at such things, soon procured two bottles of wine and some glasses and plastic cups. So now, the six of them waited for the storm to pass, conversing, drinking the wine, and acknowledging the beginning of their vacation with gallows humor.
The storm passed after about three-quarters of an hour, but the power remained out. People took the candles and tried to find their rooms. Jan and Mark also left but arranged to meet up with the others later.
The two reached their room and now sat in the light of a candle (they wanted to save the other one, as they didn't know when the power would come back) and talked quietly when suddenly, after a while, it became bright again. The power was back.
Now they could examine the room they had received. It turned out that Mark's mother really had good connections with the travel agency. They didn't just get a simple double room, but a small maisonette. Downstairs was a large double bed, a desk recessed in a nook with a huge mirror on the wall behind it, a TV stand (which actually had a functioning television on it), two comfortable armchairs, and a balcony with a table and chairs. In the entrance area, there were spacious wardrobes with plenty of space, and a nice bathroom with a tub was also included. A staircase with a wrought-iron railing led to the second level, where there were two single beds and two more wardrobes.
Jan would have preferred to stay downstairs in the double bed—and he hoped Mark would want that too—but when Mark went upstairs and made himself comfortable on one of the beds, starting to unpack his things, Jan followed him and took the other bed.
The next day, the traces left by the storm were evident. Upset plants, palm leaves, branches, and puddles everywhere, but the sky was once again bright blue, and the sun was already shining down hotly at nine o'clock. The following days continued to be beautiful and cloudless, and even though Jan buried his budding hopes because Mark constantly annoyed him about what he should bring as a gift for his girlfriend, the two enjoyed this time together and with the others, whom they were now getting to know a bit better. Jan and Mark also took a trip to Tunis to the bazaar, and both had fun with the bustling activity and browsing in the many small shops.
On Thursday afternoon, when the two returned from the beach, the program consisted— as usual—of showering to wash the salt off their bodies and out of their hair. Mark was the first to take a shower, and Jan, who had wrapped a towel around his waist, lay on his stomach on the large double bed reading a book.
When Mark came out of the shower, he had also wrapped a towel around his waist. When Jan glanced over at him, he took it off, laid it on one of the armchairs, stretched, and said cheerfully, "Hmmm... that was really nice."
Jan lay there as if turned to stone and couldn't take his eyes off Mark. He admired his slender body, which now glistened lightly tanned like bronze in the subdued light that filtered through the thick curtains. He breathlessly admired every muscle on his arms and legs and how his ribs were outlined under his skin. His gaze lingered on the white skin that had been protected from the sun by his swimsuit and then wandered back up.
Mark said nothing, but went to the bed and lay on his back next to Jan on the other half of the bed. He stretched again, then crossed his arms behind his head and closed his eyes.
Jan realized that he had been holding his breath and now took a deep breath. His heart raced, his pulse quickened, his head was a chaos, his thoughts were racing wildly, and he couldn't grasp a single moment to think: "What is he doing? Damn, he wants to seduce me!?! Does he mean it seriously? If that’s not seduction, I don’t know what is! What should I do? Oh please, let it be true! Look at that little tease! What do I do now? Mark, what are you doing to me? He hasn’t had anything to drink! What is this now? What do I do now? And if he doesn’t want that? What does he want anyway? Mark, help me!"
Although only a few seconds passed, Jan felt as if they
"Are
The conversations and discussions between the two became more difficult. The carefree attitude they had shared until then was gone, and both reacted sensitively to each other's remarks. Driven by his love and hopes, Jan interpreted Mark's vague comments and jokes as positive signs, while Mark, feeling increasingly cornered, overreacted to Jan's jokes and hints. Once again, it was Mark who first lost his temper, expressing his displeasure when he wrote to Jan, partly annoyed and partly desperate, "Ahhhh, it’s tough with you! I like you, but lately, I have to weigh every word carefully! I can’t handle it! I want things to be like they used to be between us!" Jan, shocked at the thought of losing Mark's friendship, promised to improve, but not without pointing out Mark's overreactions. Indeed, slowly their carefree attitude returned, though not to the same extent as before. They began to meet more often and go out together more frequently.
One evening, the two were once again in Jan's apartment, sitting at the PC and playing when Mark complained after a while that his neck and back hurt. "Sit up straight," Jan said, positioning himself behind Mark's chair. Mark followed the suggestion, and Jan began to massage Mark's neck and shoulders. "Ahhh man! That feels good!" he sighed as the tension in his muscles slowly eased under Jan's skilled hands. "If you want, I can give you a massage," Jan offered. "Really?" Mark asked. "Ehhh... yeah, just normally, with massage oil. What did you think?" Jan replied somewhat confused, as he hadn't thought much about his offer. "OK," Mark agreed. "Then lie down on the sofa," Jan said and went to the bathroom to get the oil. "Uhhh, you, Mark...?" he started when he returned and found Mark lying on the sofa in just his shorts. "What is it?" Mark asked. "Um... well... maybe you should take off your shorts too, otherwise, they'll get oily," Jan said a bit uncertainly. "Alright," Mark replied and took off his shorts as well. "Here’s a towel!" Jan said, handing him the mentioned fabric. "It's fine," Mark said, "I don't need that!" "You might not, but the sofa underneath you definitely does!" Jan grinned at him. "Ah, I see..." Mark said, smiling apologetically. Jan applied some oil to Mark's back and shoulders and on his own hands and began to massage Mark. Shoulders, arms, back, and legs were treated in turn. "Ohhh...!" Mark sighed, enjoying the treatment, "Where did you learn to do this so well!?" "Ah, you pick up things here and there," Jan downplayed his talent. "You know I do a lot of sports, so you learn how to deal with muscle cramps and such," he added as an explanation. After a while, Jan found himself in a little dilemma: "Uhhh... Mark, you... need to turn around now," he said. Mark simply turned over, and Jan felt even more conflicted inside. His dreams seemed to be coming true; Mark lay before him, and his body awaited his touches. He held his breath as he admired Mark almost reverently. But his mood was cooled by the fact that there were no signs from Mark that he wanted anything more than the massage. Jan pulled himself together and focused on the massage, loosening the still tense muscles, kneading them, and after about fifteen minutes, he left a relaxed and completely satisfied Mark behind as he crouched at his feet on the sofa and said, "So, all done!"
Mark propped himself up on his elbows and looked over at Jan. "You would want more, wouldn't you?" he asked, and Jan—still lost in his thoughts—responded involuntarily with a "Yes," only to then realize what he had just said and exclaimed, "No! No! No, I didn't mean that! I didn't mean it that way!" "Yes, you did," Mark said. Now overwhelmed, Jan turned to him: "What do you want, Mark?! What do you want?!" and Mark, hearing the clear pain in Jan's voice and seeing his usually clear eyes clouded with tears, finally realized what he meant to him and how much he loved him. "I want us to be friends," he said. "Is it because of Tunisia?" Jan asked in a choked voice, still remembering the events of that time. "No, it’s not. And stop blaming yourself for it! You’re not responsible for what happened!" Jan, now seeing all his hopes fade and his worst fears come true, fell silent. "I'm just not gay," Mark said.
"Maybe a bit bi, but not gay. I know that you love me, and I know it really sucks for you right now, but it can't happen. I wish it were different. Honestly! But you're a boy... and I'm just not into boys. It can't happen. I really like you, but I can't give you what you want. Sorry! Really! I know I should have said this much earlier, but I couldn't. I was also confused when you told me back then that you loved me. I had to process that and deal with it first. I like you, and I was overwhelmed by it. It has to do with the thing from back then, but not with you! I mean, I’m also to blame because I somehow wanted to... well... try it with you, but... I don’t even know myself. What we had was okay, but I know you want more, and that can't happen. I always have these images in my head, and I can't do that, and somehow I also can't really imagine being with a boy. I mean living together and all. I know it all sounds totally illogical and so, but I can't explain it any other way. When I think about being together, I somehow always think of a woman. If you were a woman, or if I were into boys, I wouldn't want anyone else but you!!! Really! And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that life is so messed up! It's totally crazy, you would give me everything I wish for, and I can't, and you want me, and that can't happen either. I didn't want to hurt you, but I also didn't know what to do. I hate this, and I'm sorry. Believe me, I wish it were different. But it's not different, and I can't change it. I like you, and I want us to be friends, but nothing more."
Jan knew that now - after Mark had made his decision - it was his turn, and that he also had to make a decision. He sighed deeply, and then his decision was made: "It's okay, Mark. We are friends!" Then he thought for a moment and said with a slight smile: "... and thanks for the compliment!" Mark, who was watching him intently, grinned back: "But it's true." Then he got up and, saying, "I'm going to wash off the oil!", he disappeared into the bathroom, and Jan soon heard the splashing of water from the shower. After Mark was done, Jan also went to take a shower. Meanwhile, Mark lay down in bed and fell asleep almost immediately, relaxed from the massage and the shower. Jan stood under the warm water for a long time, letting everything run through his mind again. "Alright, Mark, I won't love you because I love you," he thought, and as his tears mixed with the water, he couldn't help but smile at his paradoxical thoughts. When he finally came out of the bathroom, he saw that Mark had already fallen asleep. He lay down as well and watched him