2025-07-10, 03:40 PM
“Kids!” I grumbled, glancing at my son's wish list.
He really wanted to make the most of his birthday next week. This year, his wishes were mainly for expensive video games and CDs. But eventually I smiled again. Ethan was my son and I loved him more than anything, even though it hadn't worked out with his mother. But when I got to the last item on his list, I coughed my coffee over the table.
'I want to go on vacation with you, Jessica and mom! But Leonard should come too,' it said in his scribbled child's handwriting.
Okay, so it was his tenth birthday and I would do anything to make my kids happy. But going on vacation? I could understand that Jessica, his big sister, and his mother should come with him. But also with Leonard? No, that would just not work! Leonard was... Yes, what was he to me? My friend? A support in my, admittedly late, coming out? A confidant that I never had before in this form? My lover? I sighed, somehow it was all probably true. Before I met Leonard, my life was actually okay. Well, what you would call 'okay'. I had a wife who was happy with her job as the head of an advertising agency, my children, my job as a freelance insurance agent, a house and Spooky, our little Labrador. As strange as it may sound, this dog was responsible for the decisive turning point in my life. It was a warm summer evening when no one felt like taking Spooky for a walk. So I took my things and the dog leash and set off with him to the nearby forest. Spooky had fun there and romped through the undergrowth while I sat on a bench and watched him. Suddenly, however, a second dog came running. When I looked around, I saw a young man walking along the path. The leash was still hanging from his arm, which he had probably taken from his dog. He approached slowly. As I realized today, I had fallen in love with him back then. With his blond curls falling over his shoulders, looking so soft, and his sea-water blue eyes.
“Hello!“ he smiled when he was close enough.
Then he let out a short whistle, whereupon his dog came running.
“Argos, down!” he said and put the leash on the American Eskimo. “I hope Argos didn't scare your dog too much. But he just likes to play,” he finally tried to explain.
“It's not a problem,” I replied.
“Then it's fine.”
A short time later, he had sat down next to me. Since I now expected a longer conversation, I held out my hand to him.
“Jack!”
Smiling, he shook my hand. ”Leonard! And this is Argos. Don't be surprised by the name, my ex-boyfriend had a penchant for Greek heroic sagas.”
I just swallowed and looked at him. Did Leonard just admit to being gay? Somehow, his openness really confused me. After all, he didn't know me and he came out so easily? However, since Leonard had to leave soon, we arranged to meet at the same place the next evening. Actually, that was totally uncharacteristic for me, but I just knew that I wanted to see Leonard again. For whatever reason. The next evening was really nice, we sat together, talked and laughed. But at the same time, it was also the prelude to many wonderful weeks in which we met regularly. At first, it was just a nice friendship on my part. But one evening changed everything again. Leonard had been very quiet that evening, although he usually talked a lot.
So I asked him what was wrong. He then 'confessed' to me that he had fallen in love with me. At that moment, I probably made one of the biggest mistakes I could make.
I insulted him and then just ran away. This confession had simply thrown me completely off track. Ever since our first encounter, there had been something in my head that I couldn't quite describe. It was something like the desire to be as close to Leonard as possible. But I kept telling myself that this feeling was just insane. And with his declaration of love, Leonard had brought my own construct crashing down. For weeks I was no longer responsive. My wife and children were wondering about my change, because I had withdrawn a lot. But I perceived this concern just as little as the endless attempts to talk to me. Leonard had also called repeatedly during this time. Only I didn't want to talk to him, either I let myself be denied or I just ignored the cell phone. Finally, Tom, my best friend, managed to get me out the door again. He simply invited me to his bar for a beer and 'threatened' to carry me out of the house if I didn't come with him. So I followed him, grumpy and in a bad mood. After he had tried to talk to me for a long time, he just left me sitting there and took care of his other guests. But it was precisely this gesture that made me angry. Sure, I didn't want to talk, but the fact that he just left me alone annoyed me. After about half an hour he came back, sat down next to me and remained silent. At that moment I started the first big argument we ever had. Tom didn't say anything, so I just talked at him for a very long time until I finally calmed down, completely exhausted. Then Tom looked at me.
“If you've now vented your anger, then you can tell me what's really going on with you. Maybe you really don't realize it, but we're all worried about you, your wife, your children, and me too.”
Why, I didn't really know, but at that moment I just talked. Tom sat next to me and listened to everything. What irritated me was the fact that he didn't show what was going on inside of him. Usually I could always tell from his facial expressions what he was thinking.
“Does Larissa know?”
“Are you crazy? Of course she doesn't know! How could you imagine that? Should I go to her, 'Honey, I'm sorry, but I fell in love with a man'?”
After I had finished, I just looked at Tom, who smiled.
“Was it so hard to admit that?”
“What?” I stared at him, completely perplexed.
It was only when I thought again about what I had just said that I realized what I had actually admitted.
“Talk to Larissa, Jack. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on.”
“That's easy for you to say, Tom. I don't know how Larissa will react. And I don't want to lose the children...”
“You'll never know unless you talk to her. And I've known her for a few years now. I can tell you one thing: Larissa will probably be hurt, that's inevitable. But she will never escalate your quarrel to the point of taking the children away from you.”
That evening I talked to Tom for a long time. He tried to encourage me the whole time and to give me courage. But there was actually something else that I didn't really realize.
“Tell me, why do you support me like this?”
“What do you mean?” Tom looked at me blankly.
“I actually thought that you would reproach me or turn away from me or whatever.”
Tom then slapped me on the forehead with the flat of his hand. This gesture didn't mean much to us. He'd actually been doing it since we met, usually when I wasn't listening to him or was up to mischief.
“Sucker!” he grinned. ”How long have we known each other now?”
“20 years, give or take. That's right, we met when I was 15.”
“You see. Since that time you've been my best friend. And why should I get upset when my best friend is happy?”
“You were listening to me?”
“Yes!“ Tom suddenly sighed and stared at the table.
“Tom?” I looked at him, confused and worried. “What's wrong?”
“I know the situation you're in now very well, although my perspective is somewhat different.”
At that very moment, I didn't understand a thing anymore.
“You know what the situation was like with Bella back then?”
Surprised, I watched Tom, who was still looking at the table top. Of course I knew the circumstances of the divorce from his first wife. Bella was an Italian woman who wanted to return to her homeland. But Tom had built up a livelihood with his bar that he didn't want to leave behind. So they had argued more and more violently. One evening he finally came home and Bella had disappeared. With her, her clothes and other personal belongings had also disappeared. Tom had then filed a missing persons report, but this had also yielded no results. It was only two months later that he received a letter from a lawyer in Messina. Bella had returned to her home country and had filed for divorce there. Tom had been simply horrified at the time. If I hadn't stopped him then, he would have flown to Sicily and confronted Bella. She had come to Germany again when the divorce was granted. But this encounter only led to a major divorce battle. Even weeks later, Tom was very unhappy about it. It took time for him to recover. But the divorce was almost four years ago.
“I know what happened back then,” I nodded. ”Why?”
Suddenly he looked at the ceiling. “Because there was someone who stood by me during that time and helped me see things more clearly. Just like Leonard showed you this new perspective.”
Since Tom's explanations still weren't really logical, I looked at him and waited for him to continue.
“You know who Raffael is?”
“Your waiter?!”
“Yes!” he replied quietly.
The longer we sat together, the less I actually understood what Tom was trying to tell me. Suddenly he took a deep breath, raised his head and looked me in the eye.
“Raphael is the love of my life, Jack. We've been together for three years.”
At that moment, I was more overwhelmed than ever before in my life.
“Maybe it sounds ridiculous, Jack, but I can only give you one piece of advice. Follow your heart.”
With that conversation, Tom had really helped me to face up to my feelings back then. As selfish as it may sound, I wanted to have the person by my side who I knew made me happy. So I gathered up my courage and talked to Larissa. She was really hurt and sad, but I couldn't blame her. Even though it came as a big surprise to me, we managed to establish friendly contact after a few weeks of distance. And just as Tom had suspected, my confession had no effect on the time I was able to spend with my children.
So the issue of my family was over. But Leonard was a much bigger problem. I hadn't seen him since that evening in the forest when everything had begun. And I couldn't just go to his house, ring the bell and then confess my love to him. No, that would certainly not work. So I spent weeks pondering what I would do best. But I couldn't think of anything really useful. It was Tom who brought Leonard and me together again for the first time in a long while, albeit unintentionally. A large company had announced itself in Tom's bar and wanted to celebrate a successful contract signing there. Only Raffael had flown to Spain to visit his sister, who had had her first child. That's why Tom had asked me to help out. I had done it often enough in the last few years, so I didn't mind. I just hadn't expected to run into Leonard at the party. He was the lawyer who had drafted the legal aspects of the contracts and was therefore invited by the company's board of directors. I stood frozen as I looked at him. His eyes still held all the pain I had caused him weeks before. After all, it was he who turned away and simply left me standing there. And I couldn't even be angry with him for it; I had hurt him too much for that. As a result, we avoided each other for the rest of the evening. But towards the end, I just couldn't stand the tension anymore. I went to Leonard and asked him to talk. Probably also to avoid a scene, he finally agreed and went outside with me.
“What do you want?“ he asked coolly. But he couldn't hide the slight tremor in his voice.
“I want to apologize, Leonard,” I explained, looking at him.
“Do you think it's that easy?” he wanted to know, looking past me up at the sky. ”You hurt me so much, Jack, I can't just forget it!”
“I was so stupid, Leonard. And I'm sorry, really.”
“Please don't toy with me, Jack. I wouldn't survive it.”
“I don't want to toy with you, I want you!” I declared, taking a step towards him. But Leonard didn't back down; instead, he looked me in the eye again. Only now did I realize that he was crying.
“Don't, Leonard,“ I said softly, stroking away his tears.
At that moment, I felt him press his cheek against my hand.
“Jack, I love you. You can't talk your way out of that. Even if you might want to,” he replied sadly.
At that very moment, I just kissed him. I didn't care if someone was around. However, after I had broken away from Leonard, I wanted to run away again, why, I wasn't even clear to myself. But he got hold of my wrist and pulled me back to him. Shortly afterwards, he kissed me again. After that, he just held me and didn't say anything more. From that evening on, we were... Well, what were we actually? I didn't know then and I still don't know today. Together? A couple? It could be. It was all just so new to me, I felt as if I had been thrown into a completely new world. And I could only gradually begin to grasp it. Leonard tried to give me as much help as possible, but I didn't even understand myself anymore. How could I have let someone else help me? Even today, I still believe that I often treated Leonard very unfairly during this time. But after all, he was responsible for all the changes in my life, wasn't he? Oh man, what had become of me? I just had no idea what was right or wrong anymore! But once upon a time, everything in my life had gone as it should. Only now? Somehow it was all too much, much too much. I just felt overwhelmed. During that time, I had many conversations with Tom and also with Larissa. For her, the situation was probably just as strange as it was for me, but she always tried to support me. Tom simply said that I should take my time and not demand too much of myself. In his opinion, everything would fall into place over time. Actually, the nicest thing about the whole situation was that both Ethan and Jessica got along well with Leonard. Sure, Ethan was still too young to really understand, but I could count on Jessica. As she put it, she was happy that 'her dad had found such a great guy'. It was also somehow strange, at first I had had such concerns about talking to my family. But now all the problems seemed to just disappear. Larissa stood by me despite everything and supported me as best she could, the children liked Leonard and Tom was also by my side. Actually, everything was perfect. But then, out of cowardice, I did the biggest stupidity I could do.
For Leonard, this situation was almost worse than the one in the forest. I was with him at a business party for the insurance company for which I often handled contracts as a freelancer. The boss had invited me at the time and explicitly with a companion. Actually, it was clear to me that he expected me to bring my wife. But how could I have explained to him that I had separated from Larissa and was now living with Leonard? Besides, this man was very conservative and I knew that I could no longer count on a new contract if I introduced Leonard as my boyfriend. But what should I do then? At some point during the evening, I was standing at one of the set-up tables with Leonard and just wanted to discuss with him what I should do. Unfortunately, at that very moment, Mr. Jesper, the head of the insurance company, came over to us. I watched him closely as his smile slowly faded when he saw that Leonard and I were standing together at the table. Hesitantly, he finally came over to us, with a very artificial smile on his face.
“Oh, good evening, Mr. Davis! It's nice that you were able to make it to our little celebration. And who is your companion?”
With a very strange expression on his face, he looked at Leonard. “I don't think we've been introduced,” and he held out his hand.
Leonard took it rather hesitantly. “Leonard Benson,” he finally replied.
“Pleased to meet you,” Mr. Jesper replied coolly. Then he turned back to me. ”Actually, I had expected you to bring your charming wife with you.”
At that moment, I was left gasping for air. I knew from the beginning that this question would come up eventually, but now I didn't know how to deal with it. I just knew that I felt backed into a corner. And without thinking about it, I said two sentences. Two sentences that destroyed everything I was about to build.
“Oh, you know, unfortunately my wife is unable to attend. That's why I brought a friend with me.”
It was only after these words had slowly sunk into my brain that I realized what I had done. I had disowned Leonard. At first, I didn't even dare to look in his direction.
“Then I wish you a lot of fun,” Mr. Jesper suddenly said and walked away. For a brief moment, I thought I saw relief on his face. Slowly, I finally turned around to Leonard. He was standing next to me, his fingers clenched in the jacket he was holding.
“I should have known!” he said. Then he turned around and left the premises.
For a few seconds, I just stared after him. But then I quickly took my things and followed him. My only problem was that the parking lot in front of the ballroom was very spacious and winding. So I couldn't see the whole area at once. Finally, I ran in the direction where we had parked. Since we had come with his car, I also knew that Leonard had the car keys in his pocket. So it was only logical to assume that he would drive the car. Or not? As I got closer, I could see him standing in front of the car.
“Leonard! Wait!” I shouted when I was close enough.
“Why would I do that, Jack? Why?”
“I shouldn't have said that. I should have been honest,” I tried to explain. But Leonard cut me off with a wave of his hand.
“You don't have to explain anything to me anymore, Jack. Never again! I asked you once not to play with me. Apparently, your assignments are more important to you than I am.”
Completely perplexed, I stared at him. How could it be that he knew what my thoughts were?
“Don't look at me so surprised. I may have only been a lawyer for a short time, but I still know how the industry works. And I also know Mr. Jesper. Although he refuses to know me. Since you can surely explain to yourself why he doesn't want anything to do with me, I don't have to explain it to you as well.”
Without answering, I looked at Leonard for a few seconds. However, when I wanted to take a step towards him, he blocked me.
“It doesn't work like that, Jack. You can't expect me to let you deeply hurt me and then make up for it with a few caresses,” he shook his head sadly.
“But...”
“First figure out what you want,” he explained soberly, got into his car and drove off.
Full of rage, I kicked one of the metal trash cans that were all over the parking lot, and it clattered to the ground. But I didn't care, I just didn't care. I just had a terrible rage inside me that needed an outlet. I didn't even know who I was mad at. On the one hand, I was annoyed with myself. I wanted to be who I really was, I wanted to be happy with Leonard. But my own stupidity had destroyed that chance. On the other hand, I was annoyed because Leonard apparently didn't want to understand me! He knew how new all this was for me. Couldn't he understand that some things were still foreign to me that were part of everyday life for him? I don't remember how I finally got home that evening. The only thing I remember is that I was woken up by Jessica's loud music in the morning. Since the house I lived in with my family actually consisted of two apartments, Larissa and I had decided that I had my rooms in the upper apartment. But that night I must have fallen asleep on the sofa. And I felt terrible. For one thing, my back hurt, probably from the strange sleeping position I had been in. The other problem was much deeper inside me. My heart cried out for Leonard. I just missed the way he had woken me up in the morning, or the way we had started the day. I missed the little things, even though we had only been apart for one night. Finally, Ethan came running into the living room and saw me sitting on the sofa, trying to chase the pain out of my spine.
“Dad, what are you doing here?” he asked me almost reproachfully. Apparently, he was used to me not being at home in the morning, but at Leonard's. Then he jumped up on the sofa with me and snuggled up against me.
“Or is Leonard here too?” was the more hopeful question. Before I could answer, he was already chattering on. ”You know, he promised to play soccer with me.”
It was at this moment that I realized what I had actually destroyed. Not only had I lost Leonard forever, but I had also taken a friend away from my children.
“No, Leonard is not here, Ethan, and I don't know when he will be back.”
“Dad, you're stupid!” he replied, jumping off the sofa and running to the living room door. From there he turned around again. ‘Leonard was really cool! Make him come back and play with me!’ Then he turned away from me for good and ran off.
Shortly afterwards, I collapsed. Great, my son was angry with me for chasing Leonard away. Leonard was angry with me anyway. And Jessica would be annoyed too when she found out about all this. Because I knew that she had finally found someone in Leonard who shared her greatest hobby, photography, with her. I had often seen them sitting together for hours, talking shop about lenses and optics and all that stuff. But that had probably been over with my appearance, too.
“Would you mind telling me what's going on with Ethan?”
I jumped at the sudden sound of Larissa's voice behind me. Since I was never very good at lying to her, I simply told her what had happened.
“Do you have any idea how much your cowardice pisses me off sometimes?” she demanded to know after simply listening to me.
Surprised, I looked at her but didn't say anything.
“I don't blame you for choosing Leonard, Jack. Love happens, and as a simple person, you can't fight those feelings. But one thing has really annoyed me in the last few weeks and months. Tell me, how do you feel about Leonard?”
He really wanted to make the most of his birthday next week. This year, his wishes were mainly for expensive video games and CDs. But eventually I smiled again. Ethan was my son and I loved him more than anything, even though it hadn't worked out with his mother. But when I got to the last item on his list, I coughed my coffee over the table.
'I want to go on vacation with you, Jessica and mom! But Leonard should come too,' it said in his scribbled child's handwriting.
Okay, so it was his tenth birthday and I would do anything to make my kids happy. But going on vacation? I could understand that Jessica, his big sister, and his mother should come with him. But also with Leonard? No, that would just not work! Leonard was... Yes, what was he to me? My friend? A support in my, admittedly late, coming out? A confidant that I never had before in this form? My lover? I sighed, somehow it was all probably true. Before I met Leonard, my life was actually okay. Well, what you would call 'okay'. I had a wife who was happy with her job as the head of an advertising agency, my children, my job as a freelance insurance agent, a house and Spooky, our little Labrador. As strange as it may sound, this dog was responsible for the decisive turning point in my life. It was a warm summer evening when no one felt like taking Spooky for a walk. So I took my things and the dog leash and set off with him to the nearby forest. Spooky had fun there and romped through the undergrowth while I sat on a bench and watched him. Suddenly, however, a second dog came running. When I looked around, I saw a young man walking along the path. The leash was still hanging from his arm, which he had probably taken from his dog. He approached slowly. As I realized today, I had fallen in love with him back then. With his blond curls falling over his shoulders, looking so soft, and his sea-water blue eyes.
“Hello!“ he smiled when he was close enough.
Then he let out a short whistle, whereupon his dog came running.
“Argos, down!” he said and put the leash on the American Eskimo. “I hope Argos didn't scare your dog too much. But he just likes to play,” he finally tried to explain.
“It's not a problem,” I replied.
“Then it's fine.”
A short time later, he had sat down next to me. Since I now expected a longer conversation, I held out my hand to him.
“Jack!”
Smiling, he shook my hand. ”Leonard! And this is Argos. Don't be surprised by the name, my ex-boyfriend had a penchant for Greek heroic sagas.”
I just swallowed and looked at him. Did Leonard just admit to being gay? Somehow, his openness really confused me. After all, he didn't know me and he came out so easily? However, since Leonard had to leave soon, we arranged to meet at the same place the next evening. Actually, that was totally uncharacteristic for me, but I just knew that I wanted to see Leonard again. For whatever reason. The next evening was really nice, we sat together, talked and laughed. But at the same time, it was also the prelude to many wonderful weeks in which we met regularly. At first, it was just a nice friendship on my part. But one evening changed everything again. Leonard had been very quiet that evening, although he usually talked a lot.
So I asked him what was wrong. He then 'confessed' to me that he had fallen in love with me. At that moment, I probably made one of the biggest mistakes I could make.
I insulted him and then just ran away. This confession had simply thrown me completely off track. Ever since our first encounter, there had been something in my head that I couldn't quite describe. It was something like the desire to be as close to Leonard as possible. But I kept telling myself that this feeling was just insane. And with his declaration of love, Leonard had brought my own construct crashing down. For weeks I was no longer responsive. My wife and children were wondering about my change, because I had withdrawn a lot. But I perceived this concern just as little as the endless attempts to talk to me. Leonard had also called repeatedly during this time. Only I didn't want to talk to him, either I let myself be denied or I just ignored the cell phone. Finally, Tom, my best friend, managed to get me out the door again. He simply invited me to his bar for a beer and 'threatened' to carry me out of the house if I didn't come with him. So I followed him, grumpy and in a bad mood. After he had tried to talk to me for a long time, he just left me sitting there and took care of his other guests. But it was precisely this gesture that made me angry. Sure, I didn't want to talk, but the fact that he just left me alone annoyed me. After about half an hour he came back, sat down next to me and remained silent. At that moment I started the first big argument we ever had. Tom didn't say anything, so I just talked at him for a very long time until I finally calmed down, completely exhausted. Then Tom looked at me.
“If you've now vented your anger, then you can tell me what's really going on with you. Maybe you really don't realize it, but we're all worried about you, your wife, your children, and me too.”
Why, I didn't really know, but at that moment I just talked. Tom sat next to me and listened to everything. What irritated me was the fact that he didn't show what was going on inside of him. Usually I could always tell from his facial expressions what he was thinking.
“Does Larissa know?”
“Are you crazy? Of course she doesn't know! How could you imagine that? Should I go to her, 'Honey, I'm sorry, but I fell in love with a man'?”
After I had finished, I just looked at Tom, who smiled.
“Was it so hard to admit that?”
“What?” I stared at him, completely perplexed.
It was only when I thought again about what I had just said that I realized what I had actually admitted.
“Talk to Larissa, Jack. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on.”
“That's easy for you to say, Tom. I don't know how Larissa will react. And I don't want to lose the children...”
“You'll never know unless you talk to her. And I've known her for a few years now. I can tell you one thing: Larissa will probably be hurt, that's inevitable. But she will never escalate your quarrel to the point of taking the children away from you.”
That evening I talked to Tom for a long time. He tried to encourage me the whole time and to give me courage. But there was actually something else that I didn't really realize.
“Tell me, why do you support me like this?”
“What do you mean?” Tom looked at me blankly.
“I actually thought that you would reproach me or turn away from me or whatever.”
Tom then slapped me on the forehead with the flat of his hand. This gesture didn't mean much to us. He'd actually been doing it since we met, usually when I wasn't listening to him or was up to mischief.
“Sucker!” he grinned. ”How long have we known each other now?”
“20 years, give or take. That's right, we met when I was 15.”
“You see. Since that time you've been my best friend. And why should I get upset when my best friend is happy?”
“You were listening to me?”
“Yes!“ Tom suddenly sighed and stared at the table.
“Tom?” I looked at him, confused and worried. “What's wrong?”
“I know the situation you're in now very well, although my perspective is somewhat different.”
At that very moment, I didn't understand a thing anymore.
“You know what the situation was like with Bella back then?”
Surprised, I watched Tom, who was still looking at the table top. Of course I knew the circumstances of the divorce from his first wife. Bella was an Italian woman who wanted to return to her homeland. But Tom had built up a livelihood with his bar that he didn't want to leave behind. So they had argued more and more violently. One evening he finally came home and Bella had disappeared. With her, her clothes and other personal belongings had also disappeared. Tom had then filed a missing persons report, but this had also yielded no results. It was only two months later that he received a letter from a lawyer in Messina. Bella had returned to her home country and had filed for divorce there. Tom had been simply horrified at the time. If I hadn't stopped him then, he would have flown to Sicily and confronted Bella. She had come to Germany again when the divorce was granted. But this encounter only led to a major divorce battle. Even weeks later, Tom was very unhappy about it. It took time for him to recover. But the divorce was almost four years ago.
“I know what happened back then,” I nodded. ”Why?”
Suddenly he looked at the ceiling. “Because there was someone who stood by me during that time and helped me see things more clearly. Just like Leonard showed you this new perspective.”
Since Tom's explanations still weren't really logical, I looked at him and waited for him to continue.
“You know who Raffael is?”
“Your waiter?!”
“Yes!” he replied quietly.
The longer we sat together, the less I actually understood what Tom was trying to tell me. Suddenly he took a deep breath, raised his head and looked me in the eye.
“Raphael is the love of my life, Jack. We've been together for three years.”
At that moment, I was more overwhelmed than ever before in my life.
“Maybe it sounds ridiculous, Jack, but I can only give you one piece of advice. Follow your heart.”
With that conversation, Tom had really helped me to face up to my feelings back then. As selfish as it may sound, I wanted to have the person by my side who I knew made me happy. So I gathered up my courage and talked to Larissa. She was really hurt and sad, but I couldn't blame her. Even though it came as a big surprise to me, we managed to establish friendly contact after a few weeks of distance. And just as Tom had suspected, my confession had no effect on the time I was able to spend with my children.
So the issue of my family was over. But Leonard was a much bigger problem. I hadn't seen him since that evening in the forest when everything had begun. And I couldn't just go to his house, ring the bell and then confess my love to him. No, that would certainly not work. So I spent weeks pondering what I would do best. But I couldn't think of anything really useful. It was Tom who brought Leonard and me together again for the first time in a long while, albeit unintentionally. A large company had announced itself in Tom's bar and wanted to celebrate a successful contract signing there. Only Raffael had flown to Spain to visit his sister, who had had her first child. That's why Tom had asked me to help out. I had done it often enough in the last few years, so I didn't mind. I just hadn't expected to run into Leonard at the party. He was the lawyer who had drafted the legal aspects of the contracts and was therefore invited by the company's board of directors. I stood frozen as I looked at him. His eyes still held all the pain I had caused him weeks before. After all, it was he who turned away and simply left me standing there. And I couldn't even be angry with him for it; I had hurt him too much for that. As a result, we avoided each other for the rest of the evening. But towards the end, I just couldn't stand the tension anymore. I went to Leonard and asked him to talk. Probably also to avoid a scene, he finally agreed and went outside with me.
“What do you want?“ he asked coolly. But he couldn't hide the slight tremor in his voice.
“I want to apologize, Leonard,” I explained, looking at him.
“Do you think it's that easy?” he wanted to know, looking past me up at the sky. ”You hurt me so much, Jack, I can't just forget it!”
“I was so stupid, Leonard. And I'm sorry, really.”
“Please don't toy with me, Jack. I wouldn't survive it.”
“I don't want to toy with you, I want you!” I declared, taking a step towards him. But Leonard didn't back down; instead, he looked me in the eye again. Only now did I realize that he was crying.
“Don't, Leonard,“ I said softly, stroking away his tears.
At that moment, I felt him press his cheek against my hand.
“Jack, I love you. You can't talk your way out of that. Even if you might want to,” he replied sadly.
At that very moment, I just kissed him. I didn't care if someone was around. However, after I had broken away from Leonard, I wanted to run away again, why, I wasn't even clear to myself. But he got hold of my wrist and pulled me back to him. Shortly afterwards, he kissed me again. After that, he just held me and didn't say anything more. From that evening on, we were... Well, what were we actually? I didn't know then and I still don't know today. Together? A couple? It could be. It was all just so new to me, I felt as if I had been thrown into a completely new world. And I could only gradually begin to grasp it. Leonard tried to give me as much help as possible, but I didn't even understand myself anymore. How could I have let someone else help me? Even today, I still believe that I often treated Leonard very unfairly during this time. But after all, he was responsible for all the changes in my life, wasn't he? Oh man, what had become of me? I just had no idea what was right or wrong anymore! But once upon a time, everything in my life had gone as it should. Only now? Somehow it was all too much, much too much. I just felt overwhelmed. During that time, I had many conversations with Tom and also with Larissa. For her, the situation was probably just as strange as it was for me, but she always tried to support me. Tom simply said that I should take my time and not demand too much of myself. In his opinion, everything would fall into place over time. Actually, the nicest thing about the whole situation was that both Ethan and Jessica got along well with Leonard. Sure, Ethan was still too young to really understand, but I could count on Jessica. As she put it, she was happy that 'her dad had found such a great guy'. It was also somehow strange, at first I had had such concerns about talking to my family. But now all the problems seemed to just disappear. Larissa stood by me despite everything and supported me as best she could, the children liked Leonard and Tom was also by my side. Actually, everything was perfect. But then, out of cowardice, I did the biggest stupidity I could do.
For Leonard, this situation was almost worse than the one in the forest. I was with him at a business party for the insurance company for which I often handled contracts as a freelancer. The boss had invited me at the time and explicitly with a companion. Actually, it was clear to me that he expected me to bring my wife. But how could I have explained to him that I had separated from Larissa and was now living with Leonard? Besides, this man was very conservative and I knew that I could no longer count on a new contract if I introduced Leonard as my boyfriend. But what should I do then? At some point during the evening, I was standing at one of the set-up tables with Leonard and just wanted to discuss with him what I should do. Unfortunately, at that very moment, Mr. Jesper, the head of the insurance company, came over to us. I watched him closely as his smile slowly faded when he saw that Leonard and I were standing together at the table. Hesitantly, he finally came over to us, with a very artificial smile on his face.
“Oh, good evening, Mr. Davis! It's nice that you were able to make it to our little celebration. And who is your companion?”
With a very strange expression on his face, he looked at Leonard. “I don't think we've been introduced,” and he held out his hand.
Leonard took it rather hesitantly. “Leonard Benson,” he finally replied.
“Pleased to meet you,” Mr. Jesper replied coolly. Then he turned back to me. ”Actually, I had expected you to bring your charming wife with you.”
At that moment, I was left gasping for air. I knew from the beginning that this question would come up eventually, but now I didn't know how to deal with it. I just knew that I felt backed into a corner. And without thinking about it, I said two sentences. Two sentences that destroyed everything I was about to build.
“Oh, you know, unfortunately my wife is unable to attend. That's why I brought a friend with me.”
It was only after these words had slowly sunk into my brain that I realized what I had done. I had disowned Leonard. At first, I didn't even dare to look in his direction.
“Then I wish you a lot of fun,” Mr. Jesper suddenly said and walked away. For a brief moment, I thought I saw relief on his face. Slowly, I finally turned around to Leonard. He was standing next to me, his fingers clenched in the jacket he was holding.
“I should have known!” he said. Then he turned around and left the premises.
For a few seconds, I just stared after him. But then I quickly took my things and followed him. My only problem was that the parking lot in front of the ballroom was very spacious and winding. So I couldn't see the whole area at once. Finally, I ran in the direction where we had parked. Since we had come with his car, I also knew that Leonard had the car keys in his pocket. So it was only logical to assume that he would drive the car. Or not? As I got closer, I could see him standing in front of the car.
“Leonard! Wait!” I shouted when I was close enough.
“Why would I do that, Jack? Why?”
“I shouldn't have said that. I should have been honest,” I tried to explain. But Leonard cut me off with a wave of his hand.
“You don't have to explain anything to me anymore, Jack. Never again! I asked you once not to play with me. Apparently, your assignments are more important to you than I am.”
Completely perplexed, I stared at him. How could it be that he knew what my thoughts were?
“Don't look at me so surprised. I may have only been a lawyer for a short time, but I still know how the industry works. And I also know Mr. Jesper. Although he refuses to know me. Since you can surely explain to yourself why he doesn't want anything to do with me, I don't have to explain it to you as well.”
Without answering, I looked at Leonard for a few seconds. However, when I wanted to take a step towards him, he blocked me.
“It doesn't work like that, Jack. You can't expect me to let you deeply hurt me and then make up for it with a few caresses,” he shook his head sadly.
“But...”
“First figure out what you want,” he explained soberly, got into his car and drove off.
Full of rage, I kicked one of the metal trash cans that were all over the parking lot, and it clattered to the ground. But I didn't care, I just didn't care. I just had a terrible rage inside me that needed an outlet. I didn't even know who I was mad at. On the one hand, I was annoyed with myself. I wanted to be who I really was, I wanted to be happy with Leonard. But my own stupidity had destroyed that chance. On the other hand, I was annoyed because Leonard apparently didn't want to understand me! He knew how new all this was for me. Couldn't he understand that some things were still foreign to me that were part of everyday life for him? I don't remember how I finally got home that evening. The only thing I remember is that I was woken up by Jessica's loud music in the morning. Since the house I lived in with my family actually consisted of two apartments, Larissa and I had decided that I had my rooms in the upper apartment. But that night I must have fallen asleep on the sofa. And I felt terrible. For one thing, my back hurt, probably from the strange sleeping position I had been in. The other problem was much deeper inside me. My heart cried out for Leonard. I just missed the way he had woken me up in the morning, or the way we had started the day. I missed the little things, even though we had only been apart for one night. Finally, Ethan came running into the living room and saw me sitting on the sofa, trying to chase the pain out of my spine.
“Dad, what are you doing here?” he asked me almost reproachfully. Apparently, he was used to me not being at home in the morning, but at Leonard's. Then he jumped up on the sofa with me and snuggled up against me.
“Or is Leonard here too?” was the more hopeful question. Before I could answer, he was already chattering on. ”You know, he promised to play soccer with me.”
It was at this moment that I realized what I had actually destroyed. Not only had I lost Leonard forever, but I had also taken a friend away from my children.
“No, Leonard is not here, Ethan, and I don't know when he will be back.”
“Dad, you're stupid!” he replied, jumping off the sofa and running to the living room door. From there he turned around again. ‘Leonard was really cool! Make him come back and play with me!’ Then he turned away from me for good and ran off.
Shortly afterwards, I collapsed. Great, my son was angry with me for chasing Leonard away. Leonard was angry with me anyway. And Jessica would be annoyed too when she found out about all this. Because I knew that she had finally found someone in Leonard who shared her greatest hobby, photography, with her. I had often seen them sitting together for hours, talking shop about lenses and optics and all that stuff. But that had probably been over with my appearance, too.
“Would you mind telling me what's going on with Ethan?”
I jumped at the sudden sound of Larissa's voice behind me. Since I was never very good at lying to her, I simply told her what had happened.
“Do you have any idea how much your cowardice pisses me off sometimes?” she demanded to know after simply listening to me.
Surprised, I looked at her but didn't say anything.
“I don't blame you for choosing Leonard, Jack. Love happens, and as a simple person, you can't fight those feelings. But one thing has really annoyed me in the last few weeks and months. Tell me, how do you feel about Leonard?”