07-10-2025, 02:40 PM
“Kids!” I grumbled, glancing at my son's wish list.
He really wanted to make the most of his birthday next week. This year, his wishes were mainly for expensive video games and CDs. But eventually I smiled again. Ethan was my son and I loved him more than anything, even though it hadn't worked out with his mother. But when I got to the last item on his list, I coughed my coffee over the table.
'I want to go on vacation with you, Jessica and mom! But Leonard should come too,' it said in his scribbled child's handwriting.
Okay, so it was his tenth birthday and I would do anything to make my kids happy. But going on vacation? I could understand that Jessica, his big sister, and his mother should come with him. But also with Leonard? No, that would just not work! Leonard was... Yes, what was he to me? My friend? A support in my, admittedly late, coming out? A confidant that I never had before in this form? My lover? I sighed, somehow it was all probably true. Before I met Leonard, my life was actually okay. Well, what you would call 'okay'. I had a wife who was happy with her job as the head of an advertising agency, my children, my job as a freelance insurance agent, a house and Spooky, our little Labrador. As strange as it may sound, this dog was responsible for the decisive turning point in my life. It was a warm summer evening when no one felt like taking Spooky for a walk. So I took my things and the dog leash and set off with him to the nearby forest. Spooky had fun there and romped through the undergrowth while I sat on a bench and watched him. Suddenly, however, a second dog came running. When I looked around, I saw a young man walking along the path. The leash was still hanging from his arm, which he had probably taken from his dog. He approached slowly. As I realized today, I had fallen in love with him back then. With his blond curls falling over his shoulders, looking so soft, and his sea-water blue eyes.
“Hello!“ he smiled when he was close enough.
Then he let out a short whistle, whereupon his dog came running.
“Argos, down!” he said and put the leash on the American Eskimo. “I hope Argos didn't scare your dog too much. But he just likes to play,” he finally tried to explain.
“It's not a problem,” I replied.
“Then it's fine.”
A short time later, he had sat down next to me. Since I now expected a longer conversation, I held out my hand to him.
“Jack!”
Smiling, he shook my hand. ”Leonard! And this is Argos. Don't be surprised by the name, my ex-boyfriend had a penchant for Greek heroic sagas.”
I just swallowed and looked at him. Did Leonard just admit to being gay? Somehow, his openness really confused me. After all, he didn't know me and he came out so easily? However, since Leonard had to leave soon, we arranged to meet at the same place the next evening. Actually, that was totally uncharacteristic for me, but I just knew that I wanted to see Leonard again. For whatever reason. The next evening was really nice, we sat together, talked and laughed. But at the same time, it was also the prelude to many wonderful weeks in which we met regularly. At first, it was just a nice friendship on my part. But one evening changed everything again. Leonard had been very quiet that evening, although he usually talked a lot.
So I asked him what was wrong. He then 'confessed' to me that he had fallen in love with me. At that moment, I probably made one of the biggest mistakes I could make.
I insulted him and then just ran away. This confession had simply thrown me completely off track. Ever since our first encounter, there had been something in my head that I couldn't quite describe. It was something like the desire to be as close to Leonard as possible. But I kept telling myself that this feeling was just insane. And with his declaration of love, Leonard had brought my own construct crashing down. For weeks I was no longer responsive. My wife and children were wondering about my change, because I had withdrawn a lot. But I perceived this concern just as little as the endless attempts to talk to me. Leonard had also called repeatedly during this time. Only I didn't want to talk to him, either I let myself be denied or I just ignored the cell phone. Finally, Tom, my best friend, managed to get me out the door again. He simply invited me to his bar for a beer and 'threatened' to carry me out of the house if I didn't come with him. So I followed him, grumpy and in a bad mood. After he had tried to talk to me for a long time, he just left me sitting there and took care of his other guests. But it was precisely this gesture that made me angry. Sure, I didn't want to talk, but the fact that he just left me alone annoyed me. After about half an hour he came back, sat down next to me and remained silent. At that moment I started the first big argument we ever had. Tom didn't say anything, so I just talked at him for a very long time until I finally calmed down, completely exhausted. Then Tom looked at me.
“If you've now vented your anger, then you can tell me what's really going on with you. Maybe you really don't realize it, but we're all worried about you, your wife, your children, and me too.”
Why, I didn't really know, but at that moment I just talked. Tom sat next to me and listened to everything. What irritated me was the fact that he didn't show what was going on inside of him. Usually I could always tell from his facial expressions what he was thinking.
“Does Larissa know?”
“Are you crazy? Of course she doesn't know! How could you imagine that? Should I go to her, 'Honey, I'm sorry, but I fell in love with a man'?”
After I had finished, I just looked at Tom, who smiled.
“Was it so hard to admit that?”
“What?” I stared at him, completely perplexed.
It was only when I thought again about what I had just said that I realized what I had actually admitted.
“Talk to Larissa, Jack. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on.”
“That's easy for you to say, Tom. I don't know how Larissa will react. And I don't want to lose the children...”
“You'll never know unless you talk to her. And I've known her for a few years now. I can tell you one thing: Larissa will probably be hurt, that's inevitable. But she will never escalate your quarrel to the point of taking the children away from you.”
That evening I talked to Tom for a long time. He tried to encourage me the whole time and to give me courage. But there was actually something else that I didn't really realize.
“Tell me, why do you support me like this?”
“What do you mean?” Tom looked at me blankly.
“I actually thought that you would reproach me or turn away from me or whatever.”
Tom then slapped me on the forehead with the flat of his hand. This gesture didn't mean much to us. He'd actually been doing it since we met, usually when I wasn't listening to him or was up to mischief.
“Sucker!” he grinned. ”How long have we known each other now?”
“20 years, give or take. That's right, we met when I was 15.”
“You see. Since that time you've been my best friend. And why should I get upset when my best friend is happy?”
“You were listening to me?”
“Yes!“ Tom suddenly sighed and stared at the table.
“Tom?” I looked at him, confused and worried. “What's wrong?”
“I know the situation you're in now very well, although my perspective is somewhat different.”
At that very moment, I didn't understand a thing anymore.
“You know what the situation was like with Bella back then?”
Surprised, I watched Tom, who was still looking at the table top. Of course I knew the circumstances of the divorce from his first wife. Bella was an Italian woman who wanted to return to her homeland. But Tom had built up a livelihood with his bar that he didn't want to leave behind. So they had argued more and more violently. One evening he finally came home and Bella had disappeared. With her, her clothes and other personal belongings had also disappeared. Tom had then filed a missing persons report, but this had also yielded no results. It was only two months later that he received a letter from a lawyer in Messina. Bella had returned to her home country and had filed for divorce there. Tom had been simply horrified at the time. If I hadn't stopped him then, he would have flown to Sicily and confronted Bella. She had come to Germany again when the divorce was granted. But this encounter only led to a major divorce battle. Even weeks later, Tom was very unhappy about it. It took time for him to recover. But the divorce was almost four years ago.
“I know what happened back then,” I nodded. ”Why?”
Suddenly he looked at the ceiling. “Because there was someone who stood by me during that time and helped me see things more clearly. Just like Leonard showed you this new perspective.”
Since Tom's explanations still weren't really logical, I looked at him and waited for him to continue.
“You know who Raffael is?”
“Your waiter?!”
“Yes!” he replied quietly.
The longer we sat together, the less I actually understood what Tom was trying to tell me. Suddenly he took a deep breath, raised his head and looked me in the eye.
“Raphael is the love of my life, Jack. We've been together for three years.”
At that moment, I was more overwhelmed than ever before in my life.
“Maybe it sounds ridiculous, Jack, but I can only give you one piece of advice. Follow your heart.”
With that conversation, Tom had really helped me to face up to my feelings back then. As selfish as it may sound, I wanted to have the person by my side who I knew made me happy. So I gathered up my courage and talked to Larissa. She was really hurt and sad, but I couldn't blame her. Even though it came as a big surprise to me, we managed to establish friendly contact after a few weeks of distance. And just as Tom had suspected, my confession had no effect on the time I was able to spend with my children.
So the issue of my family was over. But Leonard was a much bigger problem. I hadn't seen him since that evening in the forest when everything had begun. And I couldn't just go to his house, ring the bell and then confess my love to him. No, that would certainly not work. So I spent weeks pondering what I would do best. But I couldn't think of anything really useful. It was Tom who brought Leonard and me together again for the first time in a long while, albeit unintentionally. A large company had announced itself in Tom's bar and wanted to celebrate a successful contract signing there. Only Raffael had flown to Spain to visit his sister, who had had her first child. That's why Tom had asked me to help out. I had done it often enough in the last few years, so I didn't mind. I just hadn't expected to run into Leonard at the party. He was the lawyer who had drafted the legal aspects of the contracts and was therefore invited by the company's board of directors. I stood frozen as I looked at him. His eyes still held all the pain I had caused him weeks before. After all, it was he who turned away and simply left me standing there. And I couldn't even be angry with him for it; I had hurt him too much for that. As a result, we avoided each other for the rest of the evening. But towards the end, I just couldn't stand the tension anymore. I went to Leonard and asked him to talk. Probably also to avoid a scene, he finally agreed and went outside with me.
“What do you want?“ he asked coolly. But he couldn't hide the slight tremor in his voice.
“I want to apologize, Leonard,” I explained, looking at him.
“Do you think it's that easy?” he wanted to know, looking past me up at the sky. ”You hurt me so much, Jack, I can't just forget it!”
“I was so stupid, Leonard. And I'm sorry, really.”
“Please don't toy with me, Jack. I wouldn't survive it.”
“I don't want to toy with you, I want you!” I declared, taking a step towards him. But Leonard didn't back down; instead, he looked me in the eye again. Only now did I realize that he was crying.
“Don't, Leonard,“ I said softly, stroking away his tears.
At that moment, I felt him press his cheek against my hand.
“Jack, I love you. You can't talk your way out of that. Even if you might want to,” he replied sadly.
At that very moment, I just kissed him. I didn't care if someone was around. However, after I had broken away from Leonard, I wanted to run away again, why, I wasn't even clear to myself. But he got hold of my wrist and pulled me back to him. Shortly afterwards, he kissed me again. After that, he just held me and didn't say anything more. From that evening on, we were... Well, what were we actually? I didn't know then and I still don't know today. Together? A couple? It could be. It was all just so new to me, I felt as if I had been thrown into a completely new world. And I could only gradually begin to grasp it. Leonard tried to give me as much help as possible, but I didn't even understand myself anymore. How could I have let someone else help me? Even today, I still believe that I often treated Leonard very unfairly during this time. But after all, he was responsible for all the changes in my life, wasn't he? Oh man, what had become of me? I just had no idea what was right or wrong anymore! But once upon a time, everything in my life had gone as it should. Only now? Somehow it was all too much, much too much. I just felt overwhelmed. During that time, I had many conversations with Tom and also with Larissa. For her, the situation was probably just as strange as it was for me, but she always tried to support me. Tom simply said that I should take my time and not demand too much of myself. In his opinion, everything would fall into place over time. Actually, the nicest thing about the whole situation was that both Ethan and Jessica got along well with Leonard. Sure, Ethan was still too young to really understand, but I could count on Jessica. As she put it, she was happy that 'her dad had found such a great guy'. It was also somehow strange, at first I had had such concerns about talking to my family. But now all the problems seemed to just disappear. Larissa stood by me despite everything and supported me as best she could, the children liked Leonard and Tom was also by my side. Actually, everything was perfect. But then, out of cowardice, I did the biggest stupidity I could do.
For Leonard, this situation was almost worse than the one in the forest. I was with him at a business party for the insurance company for which I often handled contracts as a freelancer. The boss had invited me at the time and explicitly with a companion. Actually, it was clear to me that he expected me to bring my wife. But how could I have explained to him that I had separated from Larissa and was now living with Leonard? Besides, this man was very conservative and I knew that I could no longer count on a new contract if I introduced Leonard as my boyfriend. But what should I do then? At some point during the evening, I was standing at one of the set-up tables with Leonard and just wanted to discuss with him what I should do. Unfortunately, at that very moment, Mr. Jesper, the head of the insurance company, came over to us. I watched him closely as his smile slowly faded when he saw that Leonard and I were standing together at the table. Hesitantly, he finally came over to us, with a very artificial smile on his face.
“Oh, good evening, Mr. Davis! It's nice that you were able to make it to our little celebration. And who is your companion?”
With a very strange expression on his face, he looked at Leonard. “I don't think we've been introduced,” and he held out his hand.
Leonard took it rather hesitantly. “Leonard Benson,” he finally replied.
“Pleased to meet you,” Mr. Jesper replied coolly. Then he turned back to me. ”Actually, I had expected you to bring your charming wife with you.”
At that moment, I was left gasping for air. I knew from the beginning that this question would come up eventually, but now I didn't know how to deal with it. I just knew that I felt backed into a corner. And without thinking about it, I said two sentences. Two sentences that destroyed everything I was about to build.
“Oh, you know, unfortunately my wife is unable to attend. That's why I brought a friend with me.”
It was only after these words had slowly sunk into my brain that I realized what I had done. I had disowned Leonard. At first, I didn't even dare to look in his direction.
“Then I wish you a lot of fun,” Mr. Jesper suddenly said and walked away. For a brief moment, I thought I saw relief on his face. Slowly, I finally turned around to Leonard. He was standing next to me, his fingers clenched in the jacket he was holding.
“I should have known!” he said. Then he turned around and left the premises.
For a few seconds, I just stared after him. But then I quickly took my things and followed him. My only problem was that the parking lot in front of the ballroom was very spacious and winding. So I couldn't see the whole area at once. Finally, I ran in the direction where we had parked. Since we had come with his car, I also knew that Leonard had the car keys in his pocket. So it was only logical to assume that he would drive the car. Or not? As I got closer, I could see him standing in front of the car.
“Leonard! Wait!” I shouted when I was close enough.
“Why would I do that, Jack? Why?”
“I shouldn't have said that. I should have been honest,” I tried to explain. But Leonard cut me off with a wave of his hand.
“You don't have to explain anything to me anymore, Jack. Never again! I asked you once not to play with me. Apparently, your assignments are more important to you than I am.”
Completely perplexed, I stared at him. How could it be that he knew what my thoughts were?
“Don't look at me so surprised. I may have only been a lawyer for a short time, but I still know how the industry works. And I also know Mr. Jesper. Although he refuses to know me. Since you can surely explain to yourself why he doesn't want anything to do with me, I don't have to explain it to you as well.”
Without answering, I looked at Leonard for a few seconds. However, when I wanted to take a step towards him, he blocked me.
“It doesn't work like that, Jack. You can't expect me to let you deeply hurt me and then make up for it with a few caresses,” he shook his head sadly.
“But...”
“First figure out what you want,” he explained soberly, got into his car and drove off.
Full of rage, I kicked one of the metal trash cans that were all over the parking lot, and it clattered to the ground. But I didn't care, I just didn't care. I just had a terrible rage inside me that needed an outlet. I didn't even know who I was mad at. On the one hand, I was annoyed with myself. I wanted to be who I really was, I wanted to be happy with Leonard. But my own stupidity had destroyed that chance. On the other hand, I was annoyed because Leonard apparently didn't want to understand me! He knew how new all this was for me. Couldn't he understand that some things were still foreign to me that were part of everyday life for him? I don't remember how I finally got home that evening. The only thing I remember is that I was woken up by Jessica's loud music in the morning. Since the house I lived in with my family actually consisted of two apartments, Larissa and I had decided that I had my rooms in the upper apartment. But that night I must have fallen asleep on the sofa. And I felt terrible. For one thing, my back hurt, probably from the strange sleeping position I had been in. The other problem was much deeper inside me. My heart cried out for Leonard. I just missed the way he had woken me up in the morning, or the way we had started the day. I missed the little things, even though we had only been apart for one night. Finally, Ethan came running into the living room and saw me sitting on the sofa, trying to chase the pain out of my spine.
“Dad, what are you doing here?” he asked me almost reproachfully. Apparently, he was used to me not being at home in the morning, but at Leonard's. Then he jumped up on the sofa with me and snuggled up against me.
“Or is Leonard here too?” was the more hopeful question. Before I could answer, he was already chattering on. ”You know, he promised to play soccer with me.”
It was at this moment that I realized what I had actually destroyed. Not only had I lost Leonard forever, but I had also taken a friend away from my children.
“No, Leonard is not here, Ethan, and I don't know when he will be back.”
“Dad, you're stupid!” he replied, jumping off the sofa and running to the living room door. From there he turned around again. ‘Leonard was really cool! Make him come back and play with me!’ Then he turned away from me for good and ran off.
Shortly afterwards, I collapsed. Great, my son was angry with me for chasing Leonard away. Leonard was angry with me anyway. And Jessica would be annoyed too when she found out about all this. Because I knew that she had finally found someone in Leonard who shared her greatest hobby, photography, with her. I had often seen them sitting together for hours, talking shop about lenses and optics and all that stuff. But that had probably been over with my appearance, too.
“Would you mind telling me what's going on with Ethan?”
I jumped at the sudden sound of Larissa's voice behind me. Since I was never very good at lying to her, I simply told her what had happened.
“Do you have any idea how much your cowardice pisses me off sometimes?” she demanded to know after simply listening to me.
Surprised, I looked at her but didn't say anything.
“I don't blame you for choosing Leonard, Jack. Love happens, and as a simple person, you can't fight those feelings. But one thing has really annoyed me in the last few weeks and months. Tell me, how do you feel about Leonard?”
Difficult question! Had I already come to the point of saying that I loved Leonard? But why not? It was true! These feelings had been in my heart for a long time. It was just as if I wasn't allowed to admit them to myself.
“I love him,” I had to admit that this sentence surprised even me. I had said what I had never dared to say to Leonard. I had always been too cowardly at the crucial moment.
“Why don't you show him that then? In the last few months, I've seen so often how he has longingly waited for just a small gesture from you to show him that you care about him.”
“But I have...” I couldn't finish my sentence because Larissa interrupted me again.
“What is it, Jack? I'll tell you, you did nothing! Nothing! Not once did I see you publicly stand up for him, even though there were sometimes situations when he would have needed you badly. But you were only busy nursing your self-pity! Do you realize that you never showed Leonard that you loved him? He talked to me. Yes! To me! Don't look at me like that. Leonard needed and still needs someone who will just listen to him and support him. And you want to know something? I can't count how many times he sat in the kitchen with me, completely exhausted, almost crying. Do you want to know why? Because he believes that he is just a means to an end for you! You give him the feeling that he is just helping you deal with your new-found homosexuality. But otherwise there is nothing there from your side!”
“But... But can't you imagine that the situation is difficult for me too?” I replied weakly.
“Do you actually go blind from the difficulties you face in life, or what's the point, Jack?” Larissa almost shouted. ”I fell in love with you back then precisely because you were so different from everyone else I knew on this topic. For you, the feelings of others were always just as valuable as your own. And what are you doing now? You think you and your problems, difficulties and feelings are the biggest issues there are. You no longer even notice how everything around you is slowly falling apart.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, stunned.
“I can't judge how things are going with you and Leonard. But don't you realize that you are about to lose the love of your children? Ethan is only ten, he doesn't really understand what's going on here. But can't you imagine that he also suffers from the situation? For him, it was inconceivable that mom and dad no longer love each other. And then you introduced Leonard. Leonard has become another caregiver for him in this confusing situation for Ethan. Only you are tearing him away from this person again. How is he supposed to be able to rely on anything lasting? It's just as hard for Jessica. Sure, she's the older of the two. But what does that mean? It was just as bad for her when we wanted to get divorced. But at least she found a friend in Leonard, someone who shares her interests and is there for her. How do you think she feels when you take this friend away from her? Just finally admit who you are!”
I looked at the floor in front of me, embarrassed and ashamed. I had been so blind! Somehow Larissa's clear words had given me my second sight back. I can't put into words how much I admire her for her strength. Without waiting for my answer, she finally went to the door.
“Sort this out! For the sake of your children alone,” she said to me and finally left the room.
After this conversation, weeks went by during which I didn't know what to do. I had tried to reach Leonard several times to talk to him. But this time it was he who didn't want to. One evening, when I called again, someone finally answered.
“Benson?” I heard only a completely unfamiliar male voice.
Did that mean that Leonard had forgotten me so quickly and replaced me? Actually, I didn't think he was capable of it. But what did I still know about Leonard after all I had done?
I swallowed. ”Yes, uh, this is Jack. Um, I actually wanted to talk to Leonard...”
“My little brother is not available for assholes like you!” was the only harsh reply before he hung up.
I wiped my face, feeling powerless. How badly had I hurt Leonard just by mentioning my name? After brooding over it for a long time, I went to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. There I finally ran into Larissa. Since she had told me off that morning, our relationship had actually returned to normal. But that was often the case with her. She was, in my opinion, best described as being like the sea. When something was important to her, something could quickly unsettle her. And then it was like when the water broke and released its destructive power. Just as quickly, Larissa often calmed down again, with what she wanted to say really getting through to the person she was talking to.
“Did you know that Leonard has a brother?” I tried to ask as casually as possible.
But Larissa just rolled her eyes and looked at me slightly annoyed.
“Peer, four years older than Leonard, so he should be 33 now, a trained paralegal, worked as an employee in Leonard's small law firm. Any questions?”
Right after that answer, I went into a very defensive position. “How was I supposed to know?”
“What did you actually talk about with Leonard when you were together?”
“Uh...”
All right, I admit it. We had actually always talked about my problems and fears. But in doing so, I had missed the opportunity to really get to know Leonard. He had always sacrificed himself for me. But how had I thanked him? Somehow I seemed to have only made mistakes in the last few months.
“Just be the same as you used to be and take an interest in something other than yourself and your ego,“ Larissa replied.
“But I'm not the same anymore!” I shouted at her.
But Larissa remained completely calm and collected, then she shook her head. “You are still exactly the same man as you used to be, Jack. Just because you have finally discovered yourself, you think you have become a different man. But that's not the case! Maybe your sexuality has changed, but your character is still exactly the same as it used to be. Why don't you give yourself a chance to show it again? Let others know that you haven't changed that much.”
“How would you know?” I snapped back. ‘You have no idea!”
“You're such an asshole!’ She just replied before slapping me and running out of the kitchen.
At that moment, I knew that I had gone way too far. Damn it! I knew how much the memory of Malik still tormented her. He had been her best friend back then. At some point, however, he took his own life, without anyone knowing why. It was only through the found suicide note that it became clear that Malik was gay and couldn't deal with it. Apparently panicking at the thought of being 'different' from everyone else forever, he then jumped off a bridge. And Larissa was still struggling with it. She had friends, but she had never had a best friend again since. I sighed. What had I actually done to make my life so complicated?
But somehow the argument with Larissa had done me good. I realized that she was right. I wanted to take control of my own life again. So I started to break out of my passivity and become active again. First of all, I apologized to Larissa and made up with her. Then I sought out a conversation with my children. At first, Ethan didn't want to talk to me, but after I sat for several hours on the stairs in front of his locked door, he finally opened it. So we were able to talk again. A thing that seemed so far away to me. However, the conversation with Jessica was harder than I had expected. It must have been several weeks during which I tried to get her to at least listen to me. But she apparently didn't want to, because she completely ignored me. One evening I finally went out on the terrace to be able to calm down a little. But suddenly I heard something like a soft whimpering and sobbing. When I looked, I saw Jessica, sitting huddled in her brother's tree house that we had built three years earlier. She was holding an old family photo of us. I could tell she was crying.
“Jessica?”
The moment I spoke to her, she became completely calm. But she didn't usually react to me at all.
“What's wrong, my big girl?“ I finally wanted to know and sat down next to her.
“I want everything to go back to the way it was,” she suddenly screamed.
When I tried to hug her, she resisted very strongly. But since I held her anyway, she punched me in the chest. It took quite a while for her to calm down again.
“Why can't everything be the way it was?” she suddenly sobbed.
“Because situations in life change without us being able to do anything about it.”
“Then at least get along with Leonard again. He was the one who listened to me when I needed someone to talk to.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well…” Jessica suddenly hesitated, but then she straightened up. ”Because mom has her own problems. Ethan is still too young to talk to him about something like that. I don't want to talk to my friends at school. I think it's kind of weird.
And you? You never had time! It was always all about you! When I wanted to talk to you, you always said you couldn't talk. Sometimes it was because of work, sometimes because you were in a bad mood about something. When should I talk to you? Tell me that! Leonard was the only one who ever asked me how I was doing. He was also interested in my hobby. I just had the impression that I was important to him. Don't you understand?”
Somehow I just realized how much Jessica took after her mother. She had the same gift for getting to the heart of the matter.
“Jessica, I promise you I'll change. And I'll finally talk to Leonard too!”
“Really?“ she asked doubtfully.
“I promise,” I replied and held out my hand.
“Oh, Dad!” Jessica sighed and fell into my arms. ”I love you!”
“I love you too, my big girl!”
From that moment on, everything between us was resolved. I was on good terms with my children again, and everything was fine with Larissa as well. The only thing I hadn't been able to do was keep my promise to talk to Leonard. This fact made me feel very guilty. So the weeks passed and things went back to normal. Well, until this morning. At the request of Larissa and me, Ethan had written a wish list for his birthday. And I had wondered why he had made such a secret about this list. In any case, I had to talk to Larissa later. Maybe she knew what I should do. But first I had to clean the table again, because I didn't feel like having a discussion with Larissa because of the coffee stains on the table. Suddenly, however, I heard a soft giggle behind me and turned around. Larissa was standing behind me, grinning at me.
“From the state of the table, I assume that you got the same list from your son as I did,” she said calmly, sitting down at the table with me.
In response to my questioning look, she pulled a folded, white sheet of paper out of her pocket, which looked very much like the note I had received. As Larissa carefully smoothed out the sheet on the kitchen table, I realized that it really was the wish list that Ethan had given me too.
“And what do you think?” I simply wanted to know from her.
Thoughtfully, Larissa looked at me, then she shrugged briefly. ”I have no idea what to say to that, Jack, really I don't. For me, this vacation wouldn't be a problem, I still have four weeks of vacation coming anyway. But I don't know about Leonard. First of all, it would be a question of whether he would have time at all. But what would be much more important is whether he would want to come if he knew that you were coming too. I don't want to upset you, but I don't think that Leonard will forgive you anytime soon. No matter how much he loves you.”
“But I just think I have to talk to him. Ethan and Jessica miss Leonard.”
When I looked back at Larissa and saw her smirk, I was completely confused. “What?”
“Now you're telling me that Ethan and Jessica are the only people in this house who miss Leonard.”
Larissa had clearly caught me out. Actually, I couldn't deny that I missed Leonard. You could see that from the dark circles under my eyes and the rapid weight loss that I had gone through since I broke up with Leonard. Whereby outsiders didn't know the reasons and thought I was ill.
“You're right,” I finally admitted.
“Oh man! I never would have thought that I would help my own husband to be happy with another man when we got married,” Larissa suddenly explained, shaking her head.
“I wouldn't have believed any of this either.”
“So now we're not going to get melancholy, but active and try to fulfill our son's birthday wish and give you the relationship that makes you happy.” Suddenly Larissa seemed to remember something else. ”Should I talk to Leonard or should you go to him?”
“Let it be, I think I have to do that. After all, I could make mistakes myself.”
Suddenly she giggled again. “By the way, you should watch out if Peer is there. At least I would assume that.”
“Why is that?” I asked.
“Well, he's almost two meters tall, has been training Asian martial arts since he was a child, and as far as I know he has a very strong protective instinct towards his little brother.”
I swallowed hard; somehow that sounded very dangerous, although I probably had to get through it.
“It'll work out somehow,” I said, although I wasn't really convinced.
“Don't worry!”
“It's easy for you to say, I'm more nervous than usual.”
But I went out into the hallway and took the car keys off the hook next to the front door. After I finally said goodbye to Larissa, I ran to my car and drove to Leonard's office. But all I saw was a white paper sign stuck over the actual brass plaque of the firm. And as far as it was written on the plaque, Leonard had closed the firm for two weeks, according to the cardboard sign, for family reasons. Only it was clear to me that I was not entirely innocent in this. So I got back in the car and made my way to his private residence. A short time later, I was standing in front of the large old building. My hands were shaking, but I still gathered all my courage and went to the second floor, where Leonard had his apartment. Before I could back down, I had firmly pressed the doorbell. At first, everything was quiet in the apartment and I wanted to leave, but then the door was opened. Great! I guess that's what you call a direct hit. So that must be Peer. And what worried me the most was the fact that Larissa hadn't exaggerated. Was he as harsh in real life as he was on the phone? I swallowed.
“What is it?” he wanted to know.
“I wanted to see Leonard,“ I explained, trying to keep my voice as steady as possible.
For a brief moment, Peer seemed to become uncertain.
“That's strange, the little one didn't tell me he was expecting visitors,” he finally muttered. Then he looked at me suspiciously. “Who are you?”
Without looking at him, I finally answered him. “I'm Jack!”
“Oh, I'm Peer. The... Wait a minute!” he suddenly interrupted himself. “Who are you?” he rumbled, looking at me challengingly.
“Jack.”
In the next moment, I knew why Larissa had warned me. Faster than I could react, Peer had pushed me against the wall of the stairwell. He pressed his forearm very painfully against my throat, so I couldn't breathe.
“I didn't think you had the balls to come here, asshole!“ he hissed.
And I was sure he would have hit me the next moment if Leonard hadn't suddenly been standing in the doorway.
“Let him go, Peer!” he said quietly but firmly.
“Why should I do that? The way he treated you?”
“Let him go, Peer! Please!”
And finally, his grip loosened. Since I almost lost my legs in the first moment, I just slid to the floor of the stairwell and tried to breathe normally again.
“If something is wrong, just tell me!“ Peer suddenly objected.
“Don't worry,” Leonard just replied.
“Mach se hänelle ei jotta herkkäuskoinen. Me soittaa!“ Peer called to him before he went downstairs.
“Kyllä!” Leonard replied and nodded.
I was still sitting on the floor at that moment, speechless after the exchange. Would someone please at least tell me what language it was? Somehow I realized that Leonard and Peer were trying to talk without me being able to understand. But it was still a strange situation. Only when he could no longer see Peer did Leonard turn to me. Somehow I could almost feel the distance between us.
“What do you want, Jack?” He looked at me questioningly.
“I need to talk to you! It's important!”
“I won't come back!“ he declared firmly. But somehow I had the impression that this resolute attitude wasn't honest. To me, it seemed more like a protective act.
“That's not the point right now. I wanted to talk to you about something else.”
“Oh yeah?” he asked suspiciously. “All right, then come in.”
With an effort, I finally got up and followed Leonard into his very large apartment. We sat down in the living room.
“What language was that, anyway?“ I wanted to know.
“Finnish,” he replied.
“Oh, yes.”
“Would you mind telling me why you're here? It couldn't have been because of my brother.”
“All right, I'm here for Ethan!”
Suddenly, Leonard looked at me with concern. “What's wrong with him? Is he not feeling well?”
“Everything's fine. It's more about his birthday.”
“Ah yes.” This time he looked at me and said nothing.
Finally, I pulled the list out of my back pocket and handed it to him. After reading the last item, he scratched his head thoughtfully. For a moment, his gaze seemed to wander very far.
“What am I supposed to say about that?” Leonard asked, just like that. But I had the impression that he wasn't really expecting an answer.
Although I had to admit that I wouldn't have known what to answer either.
“Leonard? I don't want you to feel any pressure because you think you owe it to Ethan. Just do what you can with your attitude.”
Leonard just stared at me, which made me feel kind of nervous.
“I think I misheard that,” he said, shaking his head. ‘You, of all people, are telling me to do what I think is right.”
“Yes, of course! Why not?”
“Why not?’ Leonard snorted indignantly. ”Because otherwise it was always, every damn time, about what you thought was right. My opinion was only important to you when it supported yours.”
Was I really that selfish? But somehow I deserved Leonard's rejection. Even though it hurt me like nothing before.
“All right. I'd better go now. Just let me know what you've decided,” I sighed and got up.
“How did you actually imagine that?”
“Me? I haven't got a clue.”
“Interesting! You don't know what to do,“ Leonard grumbled acidly.
When I just looked at him offended, Leonard seemed to be ashamed of his statement. Finally, he smiled shyly at me.
“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. But sometimes the bitterness just comes back,” he tried to explain.
“It's okay, Leonard, even if you don't believe me, I really understand you.”
“Oh man! My life is just too complicated!” Leonard sighed and sat down on the sofa.
We both remained silent for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, it was Leonard who broke the silence.
“Where do you actually want to go? That is, if it works out.”
“Well, actually, I would have liked to go back to my home country in Australia, but that probably won't work. So I thought Italy or Greece would be nice.”
“Not a bad idea, actually.” For a few seconds he seemed to really think about it. ”All right, Jack! I'll go with you! I can leave the office closed, most of my clients are on summer vacation too. But I still have a favor to ask of you.”
“Any!”
“You leave me alone!”
“I don't understand you. What do you mean?”
“It's simple! I'm going with you because I want to fulfill Ethan's wish. But I have absolutely no desire for you to use this vacation to come on to me again. I'm not going to let you break my heart again!”
“Uh... Yes... All right!“ I stuttered. I actually had no idea how we should avoid each other so much during a vacation together, but if that's what Leonard wanted, I would at least try.
“We should also clarify at some point when and where exactly we are going. But I think Larissa should be present at this conversation,” Leonard said after we had been silent for a while.
“Yes, sure.” I replied dryly. ”I'll go now.”
Without waiting for Leonard's answer, I had jumped up and ran out of the apartment the next moment. I couldn't stand his presence for a second longer. I still don't know how I actually came home that afternoon. All I remember is getting into my car and driving off...
He really wanted to make the most of his birthday next week. This year, his wishes were mainly for expensive video games and CDs. But eventually I smiled again. Ethan was my son and I loved him more than anything, even though it hadn't worked out with his mother. But when I got to the last item on his list, I coughed my coffee over the table.
'I want to go on vacation with you, Jessica and mom! But Leonard should come too,' it said in his scribbled child's handwriting.
Okay, so it was his tenth birthday and I would do anything to make my kids happy. But going on vacation? I could understand that Jessica, his big sister, and his mother should come with him. But also with Leonard? No, that would just not work! Leonard was... Yes, what was he to me? My friend? A support in my, admittedly late, coming out? A confidant that I never had before in this form? My lover? I sighed, somehow it was all probably true. Before I met Leonard, my life was actually okay. Well, what you would call 'okay'. I had a wife who was happy with her job as the head of an advertising agency, my children, my job as a freelance insurance agent, a house and Spooky, our little Labrador. As strange as it may sound, this dog was responsible for the decisive turning point in my life. It was a warm summer evening when no one felt like taking Spooky for a walk. So I took my things and the dog leash and set off with him to the nearby forest. Spooky had fun there and romped through the undergrowth while I sat on a bench and watched him. Suddenly, however, a second dog came running. When I looked around, I saw a young man walking along the path. The leash was still hanging from his arm, which he had probably taken from his dog. He approached slowly. As I realized today, I had fallen in love with him back then. With his blond curls falling over his shoulders, looking so soft, and his sea-water blue eyes.
“Hello!“ he smiled when he was close enough.
Then he let out a short whistle, whereupon his dog came running.
“Argos, down!” he said and put the leash on the American Eskimo. “I hope Argos didn't scare your dog too much. But he just likes to play,” he finally tried to explain.
“It's not a problem,” I replied.
“Then it's fine.”
A short time later, he had sat down next to me. Since I now expected a longer conversation, I held out my hand to him.
“Jack!”
Smiling, he shook my hand. ”Leonard! And this is Argos. Don't be surprised by the name, my ex-boyfriend had a penchant for Greek heroic sagas.”
I just swallowed and looked at him. Did Leonard just admit to being gay? Somehow, his openness really confused me. After all, he didn't know me and he came out so easily? However, since Leonard had to leave soon, we arranged to meet at the same place the next evening. Actually, that was totally uncharacteristic for me, but I just knew that I wanted to see Leonard again. For whatever reason. The next evening was really nice, we sat together, talked and laughed. But at the same time, it was also the prelude to many wonderful weeks in which we met regularly. At first, it was just a nice friendship on my part. But one evening changed everything again. Leonard had been very quiet that evening, although he usually talked a lot.
So I asked him what was wrong. He then 'confessed' to me that he had fallen in love with me. At that moment, I probably made one of the biggest mistakes I could make.
I insulted him and then just ran away. This confession had simply thrown me completely off track. Ever since our first encounter, there had been something in my head that I couldn't quite describe. It was something like the desire to be as close to Leonard as possible. But I kept telling myself that this feeling was just insane. And with his declaration of love, Leonard had brought my own construct crashing down. For weeks I was no longer responsive. My wife and children were wondering about my change, because I had withdrawn a lot. But I perceived this concern just as little as the endless attempts to talk to me. Leonard had also called repeatedly during this time. Only I didn't want to talk to him, either I let myself be denied or I just ignored the cell phone. Finally, Tom, my best friend, managed to get me out the door again. He simply invited me to his bar for a beer and 'threatened' to carry me out of the house if I didn't come with him. So I followed him, grumpy and in a bad mood. After he had tried to talk to me for a long time, he just left me sitting there and took care of his other guests. But it was precisely this gesture that made me angry. Sure, I didn't want to talk, but the fact that he just left me alone annoyed me. After about half an hour he came back, sat down next to me and remained silent. At that moment I started the first big argument we ever had. Tom didn't say anything, so I just talked at him for a very long time until I finally calmed down, completely exhausted. Then Tom looked at me.
“If you've now vented your anger, then you can tell me what's really going on with you. Maybe you really don't realize it, but we're all worried about you, your wife, your children, and me too.”
Why, I didn't really know, but at that moment I just talked. Tom sat next to me and listened to everything. What irritated me was the fact that he didn't show what was going on inside of him. Usually I could always tell from his facial expressions what he was thinking.
“Does Larissa know?”
“Are you crazy? Of course she doesn't know! How could you imagine that? Should I go to her, 'Honey, I'm sorry, but I fell in love with a man'?”
After I had finished, I just looked at Tom, who smiled.
“Was it so hard to admit that?”
“What?” I stared at him, completely perplexed.
It was only when I thought again about what I had just said that I realized what I had actually admitted.
“Talk to Larissa, Jack. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on.”
“That's easy for you to say, Tom. I don't know how Larissa will react. And I don't want to lose the children...”
“You'll never know unless you talk to her. And I've known her for a few years now. I can tell you one thing: Larissa will probably be hurt, that's inevitable. But she will never escalate your quarrel to the point of taking the children away from you.”
That evening I talked to Tom for a long time. He tried to encourage me the whole time and to give me courage. But there was actually something else that I didn't really realize.
“Tell me, why do you support me like this?”
“What do you mean?” Tom looked at me blankly.
“I actually thought that you would reproach me or turn away from me or whatever.”
Tom then slapped me on the forehead with the flat of his hand. This gesture didn't mean much to us. He'd actually been doing it since we met, usually when I wasn't listening to him or was up to mischief.
“Sucker!” he grinned. ”How long have we known each other now?”
“20 years, give or take. That's right, we met when I was 15.”
“You see. Since that time you've been my best friend. And why should I get upset when my best friend is happy?”
“You were listening to me?”
“Yes!“ Tom suddenly sighed and stared at the table.
“Tom?” I looked at him, confused and worried. “What's wrong?”
“I know the situation you're in now very well, although my perspective is somewhat different.”
At that very moment, I didn't understand a thing anymore.
“You know what the situation was like with Bella back then?”
Surprised, I watched Tom, who was still looking at the table top. Of course I knew the circumstances of the divorce from his first wife. Bella was an Italian woman who wanted to return to her homeland. But Tom had built up a livelihood with his bar that he didn't want to leave behind. So they had argued more and more violently. One evening he finally came home and Bella had disappeared. With her, her clothes and other personal belongings had also disappeared. Tom had then filed a missing persons report, but this had also yielded no results. It was only two months later that he received a letter from a lawyer in Messina. Bella had returned to her home country and had filed for divorce there. Tom had been simply horrified at the time. If I hadn't stopped him then, he would have flown to Sicily and confronted Bella. She had come to Germany again when the divorce was granted. But this encounter only led to a major divorce battle. Even weeks later, Tom was very unhappy about it. It took time for him to recover. But the divorce was almost four years ago.
“I know what happened back then,” I nodded. ”Why?”
Suddenly he looked at the ceiling. “Because there was someone who stood by me during that time and helped me see things more clearly. Just like Leonard showed you this new perspective.”
Since Tom's explanations still weren't really logical, I looked at him and waited for him to continue.
“You know who Raffael is?”
“Your waiter?!”
“Yes!” he replied quietly.
The longer we sat together, the less I actually understood what Tom was trying to tell me. Suddenly he took a deep breath, raised his head and looked me in the eye.
“Raphael is the love of my life, Jack. We've been together for three years.”
At that moment, I was more overwhelmed than ever before in my life.
“Maybe it sounds ridiculous, Jack, but I can only give you one piece of advice. Follow your heart.”
With that conversation, Tom had really helped me to face up to my feelings back then. As selfish as it may sound, I wanted to have the person by my side who I knew made me happy. So I gathered up my courage and talked to Larissa. She was really hurt and sad, but I couldn't blame her. Even though it came as a big surprise to me, we managed to establish friendly contact after a few weeks of distance. And just as Tom had suspected, my confession had no effect on the time I was able to spend with my children.
So the issue of my family was over. But Leonard was a much bigger problem. I hadn't seen him since that evening in the forest when everything had begun. And I couldn't just go to his house, ring the bell and then confess my love to him. No, that would certainly not work. So I spent weeks pondering what I would do best. But I couldn't think of anything really useful. It was Tom who brought Leonard and me together again for the first time in a long while, albeit unintentionally. A large company had announced itself in Tom's bar and wanted to celebrate a successful contract signing there. Only Raffael had flown to Spain to visit his sister, who had had her first child. That's why Tom had asked me to help out. I had done it often enough in the last few years, so I didn't mind. I just hadn't expected to run into Leonard at the party. He was the lawyer who had drafted the legal aspects of the contracts and was therefore invited by the company's board of directors. I stood frozen as I looked at him. His eyes still held all the pain I had caused him weeks before. After all, it was he who turned away and simply left me standing there. And I couldn't even be angry with him for it; I had hurt him too much for that. As a result, we avoided each other for the rest of the evening. But towards the end, I just couldn't stand the tension anymore. I went to Leonard and asked him to talk. Probably also to avoid a scene, he finally agreed and went outside with me.
“What do you want?“ he asked coolly. But he couldn't hide the slight tremor in his voice.
“I want to apologize, Leonard,” I explained, looking at him.
“Do you think it's that easy?” he wanted to know, looking past me up at the sky. ”You hurt me so much, Jack, I can't just forget it!”
“I was so stupid, Leonard. And I'm sorry, really.”
“Please don't toy with me, Jack. I wouldn't survive it.”
“I don't want to toy with you, I want you!” I declared, taking a step towards him. But Leonard didn't back down; instead, he looked me in the eye again. Only now did I realize that he was crying.
“Don't, Leonard,“ I said softly, stroking away his tears.
At that moment, I felt him press his cheek against my hand.
“Jack, I love you. You can't talk your way out of that. Even if you might want to,” he replied sadly.
At that very moment, I just kissed him. I didn't care if someone was around. However, after I had broken away from Leonard, I wanted to run away again, why, I wasn't even clear to myself. But he got hold of my wrist and pulled me back to him. Shortly afterwards, he kissed me again. After that, he just held me and didn't say anything more. From that evening on, we were... Well, what were we actually? I didn't know then and I still don't know today. Together? A couple? It could be. It was all just so new to me, I felt as if I had been thrown into a completely new world. And I could only gradually begin to grasp it. Leonard tried to give me as much help as possible, but I didn't even understand myself anymore. How could I have let someone else help me? Even today, I still believe that I often treated Leonard very unfairly during this time. But after all, he was responsible for all the changes in my life, wasn't he? Oh man, what had become of me? I just had no idea what was right or wrong anymore! But once upon a time, everything in my life had gone as it should. Only now? Somehow it was all too much, much too much. I just felt overwhelmed. During that time, I had many conversations with Tom and also with Larissa. For her, the situation was probably just as strange as it was for me, but she always tried to support me. Tom simply said that I should take my time and not demand too much of myself. In his opinion, everything would fall into place over time. Actually, the nicest thing about the whole situation was that both Ethan and Jessica got along well with Leonard. Sure, Ethan was still too young to really understand, but I could count on Jessica. As she put it, she was happy that 'her dad had found such a great guy'. It was also somehow strange, at first I had had such concerns about talking to my family. But now all the problems seemed to just disappear. Larissa stood by me despite everything and supported me as best she could, the children liked Leonard and Tom was also by my side. Actually, everything was perfect. But then, out of cowardice, I did the biggest stupidity I could do.
For Leonard, this situation was almost worse than the one in the forest. I was with him at a business party for the insurance company for which I often handled contracts as a freelancer. The boss had invited me at the time and explicitly with a companion. Actually, it was clear to me that he expected me to bring my wife. But how could I have explained to him that I had separated from Larissa and was now living with Leonard? Besides, this man was very conservative and I knew that I could no longer count on a new contract if I introduced Leonard as my boyfriend. But what should I do then? At some point during the evening, I was standing at one of the set-up tables with Leonard and just wanted to discuss with him what I should do. Unfortunately, at that very moment, Mr. Jesper, the head of the insurance company, came over to us. I watched him closely as his smile slowly faded when he saw that Leonard and I were standing together at the table. Hesitantly, he finally came over to us, with a very artificial smile on his face.
“Oh, good evening, Mr. Davis! It's nice that you were able to make it to our little celebration. And who is your companion?”
With a very strange expression on his face, he looked at Leonard. “I don't think we've been introduced,” and he held out his hand.
Leonard took it rather hesitantly. “Leonard Benson,” he finally replied.
“Pleased to meet you,” Mr. Jesper replied coolly. Then he turned back to me. ”Actually, I had expected you to bring your charming wife with you.”
At that moment, I was left gasping for air. I knew from the beginning that this question would come up eventually, but now I didn't know how to deal with it. I just knew that I felt backed into a corner. And without thinking about it, I said two sentences. Two sentences that destroyed everything I was about to build.
“Oh, you know, unfortunately my wife is unable to attend. That's why I brought a friend with me.”
It was only after these words had slowly sunk into my brain that I realized what I had done. I had disowned Leonard. At first, I didn't even dare to look in his direction.
“Then I wish you a lot of fun,” Mr. Jesper suddenly said and walked away. For a brief moment, I thought I saw relief on his face. Slowly, I finally turned around to Leonard. He was standing next to me, his fingers clenched in the jacket he was holding.
“I should have known!” he said. Then he turned around and left the premises.
For a few seconds, I just stared after him. But then I quickly took my things and followed him. My only problem was that the parking lot in front of the ballroom was very spacious and winding. So I couldn't see the whole area at once. Finally, I ran in the direction where we had parked. Since we had come with his car, I also knew that Leonard had the car keys in his pocket. So it was only logical to assume that he would drive the car. Or not? As I got closer, I could see him standing in front of the car.
“Leonard! Wait!” I shouted when I was close enough.
“Why would I do that, Jack? Why?”
“I shouldn't have said that. I should have been honest,” I tried to explain. But Leonard cut me off with a wave of his hand.
“You don't have to explain anything to me anymore, Jack. Never again! I asked you once not to play with me. Apparently, your assignments are more important to you than I am.”
Completely perplexed, I stared at him. How could it be that he knew what my thoughts were?
“Don't look at me so surprised. I may have only been a lawyer for a short time, but I still know how the industry works. And I also know Mr. Jesper. Although he refuses to know me. Since you can surely explain to yourself why he doesn't want anything to do with me, I don't have to explain it to you as well.”
Without answering, I looked at Leonard for a few seconds. However, when I wanted to take a step towards him, he blocked me.
“It doesn't work like that, Jack. You can't expect me to let you deeply hurt me and then make up for it with a few caresses,” he shook his head sadly.
“But...”
“First figure out what you want,” he explained soberly, got into his car and drove off.
Full of rage, I kicked one of the metal trash cans that were all over the parking lot, and it clattered to the ground. But I didn't care, I just didn't care. I just had a terrible rage inside me that needed an outlet. I didn't even know who I was mad at. On the one hand, I was annoyed with myself. I wanted to be who I really was, I wanted to be happy with Leonard. But my own stupidity had destroyed that chance. On the other hand, I was annoyed because Leonard apparently didn't want to understand me! He knew how new all this was for me. Couldn't he understand that some things were still foreign to me that were part of everyday life for him? I don't remember how I finally got home that evening. The only thing I remember is that I was woken up by Jessica's loud music in the morning. Since the house I lived in with my family actually consisted of two apartments, Larissa and I had decided that I had my rooms in the upper apartment. But that night I must have fallen asleep on the sofa. And I felt terrible. For one thing, my back hurt, probably from the strange sleeping position I had been in. The other problem was much deeper inside me. My heart cried out for Leonard. I just missed the way he had woken me up in the morning, or the way we had started the day. I missed the little things, even though we had only been apart for one night. Finally, Ethan came running into the living room and saw me sitting on the sofa, trying to chase the pain out of my spine.
“Dad, what are you doing here?” he asked me almost reproachfully. Apparently, he was used to me not being at home in the morning, but at Leonard's. Then he jumped up on the sofa with me and snuggled up against me.
“Or is Leonard here too?” was the more hopeful question. Before I could answer, he was already chattering on. ”You know, he promised to play soccer with me.”
It was at this moment that I realized what I had actually destroyed. Not only had I lost Leonard forever, but I had also taken a friend away from my children.
“No, Leonard is not here, Ethan, and I don't know when he will be back.”
“Dad, you're stupid!” he replied, jumping off the sofa and running to the living room door. From there he turned around again. ‘Leonard was really cool! Make him come back and play with me!’ Then he turned away from me for good and ran off.
Shortly afterwards, I collapsed. Great, my son was angry with me for chasing Leonard away. Leonard was angry with me anyway. And Jessica would be annoyed too when she found out about all this. Because I knew that she had finally found someone in Leonard who shared her greatest hobby, photography, with her. I had often seen them sitting together for hours, talking shop about lenses and optics and all that stuff. But that had probably been over with my appearance, too.
“Would you mind telling me what's going on with Ethan?”
I jumped at the sudden sound of Larissa's voice behind me. Since I was never very good at lying to her, I simply told her what had happened.
“Do you have any idea how much your cowardice pisses me off sometimes?” she demanded to know after simply listening to me.
Surprised, I looked at her but didn't say anything.
“I don't blame you for choosing Leonard, Jack. Love happens, and as a simple person, you can't fight those feelings. But one thing has really annoyed me in the last few weeks and months. Tell me, how do you feel about Leonard?”
Difficult question! Had I already come to the point of saying that I loved Leonard? But why not? It was true! These feelings had been in my heart for a long time. It was just as if I wasn't allowed to admit them to myself.
“I love him,” I had to admit that this sentence surprised even me. I had said what I had never dared to say to Leonard. I had always been too cowardly at the crucial moment.
“Why don't you show him that then? In the last few months, I've seen so often how he has longingly waited for just a small gesture from you to show him that you care about him.”
“But I have...” I couldn't finish my sentence because Larissa interrupted me again.
“What is it, Jack? I'll tell you, you did nothing! Nothing! Not once did I see you publicly stand up for him, even though there were sometimes situations when he would have needed you badly. But you were only busy nursing your self-pity! Do you realize that you never showed Leonard that you loved him? He talked to me. Yes! To me! Don't look at me like that. Leonard needed and still needs someone who will just listen to him and support him. And you want to know something? I can't count how many times he sat in the kitchen with me, completely exhausted, almost crying. Do you want to know why? Because he believes that he is just a means to an end for you! You give him the feeling that he is just helping you deal with your new-found homosexuality. But otherwise there is nothing there from your side!”
“But... But can't you imagine that the situation is difficult for me too?” I replied weakly.
“Do you actually go blind from the difficulties you face in life, or what's the point, Jack?” Larissa almost shouted. ”I fell in love with you back then precisely because you were so different from everyone else I knew on this topic. For you, the feelings of others were always just as valuable as your own. And what are you doing now? You think you and your problems, difficulties and feelings are the biggest issues there are. You no longer even notice how everything around you is slowly falling apart.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, stunned.
“I can't judge how things are going with you and Leonard. But don't you realize that you are about to lose the love of your children? Ethan is only ten, he doesn't really understand what's going on here. But can't you imagine that he also suffers from the situation? For him, it was inconceivable that mom and dad no longer love each other. And then you introduced Leonard. Leonard has become another caregiver for him in this confusing situation for Ethan. Only you are tearing him away from this person again. How is he supposed to be able to rely on anything lasting? It's just as hard for Jessica. Sure, she's the older of the two. But what does that mean? It was just as bad for her when we wanted to get divorced. But at least she found a friend in Leonard, someone who shares her interests and is there for her. How do you think she feels when you take this friend away from her? Just finally admit who you are!”
I looked at the floor in front of me, embarrassed and ashamed. I had been so blind! Somehow Larissa's clear words had given me my second sight back. I can't put into words how much I admire her for her strength. Without waiting for my answer, she finally went to the door.
“Sort this out! For the sake of your children alone,” she said to me and finally left the room.
After this conversation, weeks went by during which I didn't know what to do. I had tried to reach Leonard several times to talk to him. But this time it was he who didn't want to. One evening, when I called again, someone finally answered.
“Benson?” I heard only a completely unfamiliar male voice.
Did that mean that Leonard had forgotten me so quickly and replaced me? Actually, I didn't think he was capable of it. But what did I still know about Leonard after all I had done?
I swallowed. ”Yes, uh, this is Jack. Um, I actually wanted to talk to Leonard...”
“My little brother is not available for assholes like you!” was the only harsh reply before he hung up.
I wiped my face, feeling powerless. How badly had I hurt Leonard just by mentioning my name? After brooding over it for a long time, I went to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. There I finally ran into Larissa. Since she had told me off that morning, our relationship had actually returned to normal. But that was often the case with her. She was, in my opinion, best described as being like the sea. When something was important to her, something could quickly unsettle her. And then it was like when the water broke and released its destructive power. Just as quickly, Larissa often calmed down again, with what she wanted to say really getting through to the person she was talking to.
“Did you know that Leonard has a brother?” I tried to ask as casually as possible.
But Larissa just rolled her eyes and looked at me slightly annoyed.
“Peer, four years older than Leonard, so he should be 33 now, a trained paralegal, worked as an employee in Leonard's small law firm. Any questions?”
Right after that answer, I went into a very defensive position. “How was I supposed to know?”
“What did you actually talk about with Leonard when you were together?”
“Uh...”
All right, I admit it. We had actually always talked about my problems and fears. But in doing so, I had missed the opportunity to really get to know Leonard. He had always sacrificed himself for me. But how had I thanked him? Somehow I seemed to have only made mistakes in the last few months.
“Just be the same as you used to be and take an interest in something other than yourself and your ego,“ Larissa replied.
“But I'm not the same anymore!” I shouted at her.
But Larissa remained completely calm and collected, then she shook her head. “You are still exactly the same man as you used to be, Jack. Just because you have finally discovered yourself, you think you have become a different man. But that's not the case! Maybe your sexuality has changed, but your character is still exactly the same as it used to be. Why don't you give yourself a chance to show it again? Let others know that you haven't changed that much.”
“How would you know?” I snapped back. ‘You have no idea!”
“You're such an asshole!’ She just replied before slapping me and running out of the kitchen.
At that moment, I knew that I had gone way too far. Damn it! I knew how much the memory of Malik still tormented her. He had been her best friend back then. At some point, however, he took his own life, without anyone knowing why. It was only through the found suicide note that it became clear that Malik was gay and couldn't deal with it. Apparently panicking at the thought of being 'different' from everyone else forever, he then jumped off a bridge. And Larissa was still struggling with it. She had friends, but she had never had a best friend again since. I sighed. What had I actually done to make my life so complicated?
But somehow the argument with Larissa had done me good. I realized that she was right. I wanted to take control of my own life again. So I started to break out of my passivity and become active again. First of all, I apologized to Larissa and made up with her. Then I sought out a conversation with my children. At first, Ethan didn't want to talk to me, but after I sat for several hours on the stairs in front of his locked door, he finally opened it. So we were able to talk again. A thing that seemed so far away to me. However, the conversation with Jessica was harder than I had expected. It must have been several weeks during which I tried to get her to at least listen to me. But she apparently didn't want to, because she completely ignored me. One evening I finally went out on the terrace to be able to calm down a little. But suddenly I heard something like a soft whimpering and sobbing. When I looked, I saw Jessica, sitting huddled in her brother's tree house that we had built three years earlier. She was holding an old family photo of us. I could tell she was crying.
“Jessica?”
The moment I spoke to her, she became completely calm. But she didn't usually react to me at all.
“What's wrong, my big girl?“ I finally wanted to know and sat down next to her.
“I want everything to go back to the way it was,” she suddenly screamed.
When I tried to hug her, she resisted very strongly. But since I held her anyway, she punched me in the chest. It took quite a while for her to calm down again.
“Why can't everything be the way it was?” she suddenly sobbed.
“Because situations in life change without us being able to do anything about it.”
“Then at least get along with Leonard again. He was the one who listened to me when I needed someone to talk to.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well…” Jessica suddenly hesitated, but then she straightened up. ”Because mom has her own problems. Ethan is still too young to talk to him about something like that. I don't want to talk to my friends at school. I think it's kind of weird.
And you? You never had time! It was always all about you! When I wanted to talk to you, you always said you couldn't talk. Sometimes it was because of work, sometimes because you were in a bad mood about something. When should I talk to you? Tell me that! Leonard was the only one who ever asked me how I was doing. He was also interested in my hobby. I just had the impression that I was important to him. Don't you understand?”
Somehow I just realized how much Jessica took after her mother. She had the same gift for getting to the heart of the matter.
“Jessica, I promise you I'll change. And I'll finally talk to Leonard too!”
“Really?“ she asked doubtfully.
“I promise,” I replied and held out my hand.
“Oh, Dad!” Jessica sighed and fell into my arms. ”I love you!”
“I love you too, my big girl!”
From that moment on, everything between us was resolved. I was on good terms with my children again, and everything was fine with Larissa as well. The only thing I hadn't been able to do was keep my promise to talk to Leonard. This fact made me feel very guilty. So the weeks passed and things went back to normal. Well, until this morning. At the request of Larissa and me, Ethan had written a wish list for his birthday. And I had wondered why he had made such a secret about this list. In any case, I had to talk to Larissa later. Maybe she knew what I should do. But first I had to clean the table again, because I didn't feel like having a discussion with Larissa because of the coffee stains on the table. Suddenly, however, I heard a soft giggle behind me and turned around. Larissa was standing behind me, grinning at me.
“From the state of the table, I assume that you got the same list from your son as I did,” she said calmly, sitting down at the table with me.
In response to my questioning look, she pulled a folded, white sheet of paper out of her pocket, which looked very much like the note I had received. As Larissa carefully smoothed out the sheet on the kitchen table, I realized that it really was the wish list that Ethan had given me too.
“And what do you think?” I simply wanted to know from her.
Thoughtfully, Larissa looked at me, then she shrugged briefly. ”I have no idea what to say to that, Jack, really I don't. For me, this vacation wouldn't be a problem, I still have four weeks of vacation coming anyway. But I don't know about Leonard. First of all, it would be a question of whether he would have time at all. But what would be much more important is whether he would want to come if he knew that you were coming too. I don't want to upset you, but I don't think that Leonard will forgive you anytime soon. No matter how much he loves you.”
“But I just think I have to talk to him. Ethan and Jessica miss Leonard.”
When I looked back at Larissa and saw her smirk, I was completely confused. “What?”
“Now you're telling me that Ethan and Jessica are the only people in this house who miss Leonard.”
Larissa had clearly caught me out. Actually, I couldn't deny that I missed Leonard. You could see that from the dark circles under my eyes and the rapid weight loss that I had gone through since I broke up with Leonard. Whereby outsiders didn't know the reasons and thought I was ill.
“You're right,” I finally admitted.
“Oh man! I never would have thought that I would help my own husband to be happy with another man when we got married,” Larissa suddenly explained, shaking her head.
“I wouldn't have believed any of this either.”
“So now we're not going to get melancholy, but active and try to fulfill our son's birthday wish and give you the relationship that makes you happy.” Suddenly Larissa seemed to remember something else. ”Should I talk to Leonard or should you go to him?”
“Let it be, I think I have to do that. After all, I could make mistakes myself.”
Suddenly she giggled again. “By the way, you should watch out if Peer is there. At least I would assume that.”
“Why is that?” I asked.
“Well, he's almost two meters tall, has been training Asian martial arts since he was a child, and as far as I know he has a very strong protective instinct towards his little brother.”
I swallowed hard; somehow that sounded very dangerous, although I probably had to get through it.
“It'll work out somehow,” I said, although I wasn't really convinced.
“Don't worry!”
“It's easy for you to say, I'm more nervous than usual.”
But I went out into the hallway and took the car keys off the hook next to the front door. After I finally said goodbye to Larissa, I ran to my car and drove to Leonard's office. But all I saw was a white paper sign stuck over the actual brass plaque of the firm. And as far as it was written on the plaque, Leonard had closed the firm for two weeks, according to the cardboard sign, for family reasons. Only it was clear to me that I was not entirely innocent in this. So I got back in the car and made my way to his private residence. A short time later, I was standing in front of the large old building. My hands were shaking, but I still gathered all my courage and went to the second floor, where Leonard had his apartment. Before I could back down, I had firmly pressed the doorbell. At first, everything was quiet in the apartment and I wanted to leave, but then the door was opened. Great! I guess that's what you call a direct hit. So that must be Peer. And what worried me the most was the fact that Larissa hadn't exaggerated. Was he as harsh in real life as he was on the phone? I swallowed.
“What is it?” he wanted to know.
“I wanted to see Leonard,“ I explained, trying to keep my voice as steady as possible.
For a brief moment, Peer seemed to become uncertain.
“That's strange, the little one didn't tell me he was expecting visitors,” he finally muttered. Then he looked at me suspiciously. “Who are you?”
Without looking at him, I finally answered him. “I'm Jack!”
“Oh, I'm Peer. The... Wait a minute!” he suddenly interrupted himself. “Who are you?” he rumbled, looking at me challengingly.
“Jack.”
In the next moment, I knew why Larissa had warned me. Faster than I could react, Peer had pushed me against the wall of the stairwell. He pressed his forearm very painfully against my throat, so I couldn't breathe.
“I didn't think you had the balls to come here, asshole!“ he hissed.
And I was sure he would have hit me the next moment if Leonard hadn't suddenly been standing in the doorway.
“Let him go, Peer!” he said quietly but firmly.
“Why should I do that? The way he treated you?”
“Let him go, Peer! Please!”
And finally, his grip loosened. Since I almost lost my legs in the first moment, I just slid to the floor of the stairwell and tried to breathe normally again.
“If something is wrong, just tell me!“ Peer suddenly objected.
“Don't worry,” Leonard just replied.
“Mach se hänelle ei jotta herkkäuskoinen. Me soittaa!“ Peer called to him before he went downstairs.
“Kyllä!” Leonard replied and nodded.
I was still sitting on the floor at that moment, speechless after the exchange. Would someone please at least tell me what language it was? Somehow I realized that Leonard and Peer were trying to talk without me being able to understand. But it was still a strange situation. Only when he could no longer see Peer did Leonard turn to me. Somehow I could almost feel the distance between us.
“What do you want, Jack?” He looked at me questioningly.
“I need to talk to you! It's important!”
“I won't come back!“ he declared firmly. But somehow I had the impression that this resolute attitude wasn't honest. To me, it seemed more like a protective act.
“That's not the point right now. I wanted to talk to you about something else.”
“Oh yeah?” he asked suspiciously. “All right, then come in.”
With an effort, I finally got up and followed Leonard into his very large apartment. We sat down in the living room.
“What language was that, anyway?“ I wanted to know.
“Finnish,” he replied.
“Oh, yes.”
“Would you mind telling me why you're here? It couldn't have been because of my brother.”
“All right, I'm here for Ethan!”
Suddenly, Leonard looked at me with concern. “What's wrong with him? Is he not feeling well?”
“Everything's fine. It's more about his birthday.”
“Ah yes.” This time he looked at me and said nothing.
Finally, I pulled the list out of my back pocket and handed it to him. After reading the last item, he scratched his head thoughtfully. For a moment, his gaze seemed to wander very far.
“What am I supposed to say about that?” Leonard asked, just like that. But I had the impression that he wasn't really expecting an answer.
Although I had to admit that I wouldn't have known what to answer either.
“Leonard? I don't want you to feel any pressure because you think you owe it to Ethan. Just do what you can with your attitude.”
Leonard just stared at me, which made me feel kind of nervous.
“I think I misheard that,” he said, shaking his head. ‘You, of all people, are telling me to do what I think is right.”
“Yes, of course! Why not?”
“Why not?’ Leonard snorted indignantly. ”Because otherwise it was always, every damn time, about what you thought was right. My opinion was only important to you when it supported yours.”
Was I really that selfish? But somehow I deserved Leonard's rejection. Even though it hurt me like nothing before.
“All right. I'd better go now. Just let me know what you've decided,” I sighed and got up.
“How did you actually imagine that?”
“Me? I haven't got a clue.”
“Interesting! You don't know what to do,“ Leonard grumbled acidly.
When I just looked at him offended, Leonard seemed to be ashamed of his statement. Finally, he smiled shyly at me.
“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. But sometimes the bitterness just comes back,” he tried to explain.
“It's okay, Leonard, even if you don't believe me, I really understand you.”
“Oh man! My life is just too complicated!” Leonard sighed and sat down on the sofa.
We both remained silent for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, it was Leonard who broke the silence.
“Where do you actually want to go? That is, if it works out.”
“Well, actually, I would have liked to go back to my home country in Australia, but that probably won't work. So I thought Italy or Greece would be nice.”
“Not a bad idea, actually.” For a few seconds he seemed to really think about it. ”All right, Jack! I'll go with you! I can leave the office closed, most of my clients are on summer vacation too. But I still have a favor to ask of you.”
“Any!”
“You leave me alone!”
“I don't understand you. What do you mean?”
“It's simple! I'm going with you because I want to fulfill Ethan's wish. But I have absolutely no desire for you to use this vacation to come on to me again. I'm not going to let you break my heart again!”
“Uh... Yes... All right!“ I stuttered. I actually had no idea how we should avoid each other so much during a vacation together, but if that's what Leonard wanted, I would at least try.
“We should also clarify at some point when and where exactly we are going. But I think Larissa should be present at this conversation,” Leonard said after we had been silent for a while.
“Yes, sure.” I replied dryly. ”I'll go now.”
Without waiting for Leonard's answer, I had jumped up and ran out of the apartment the next moment. I couldn't stand his presence for a second longer. I still don't know how I actually came home that afternoon. All I remember is getting into my car and driving off...