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A Visit to the Cinema

*** Hi everyone.
The author asked me to comment on this story here. So if you don't like someone constantly interrupting and making malicious comments, then you're in the wrong place. Oh yes, if you're interested, I'm Gloria. My age? Well, that's really not important! Well, let's turn to the story. – Oh yes, when I have something to say, it is written between asterisks.
So the main character is a normal guy, just 16 years old and – how could it be otherwise – gay. If you think that this is already the end of the story – think again! That's the advantage of an omniscient narrator – I know that he is gay. He doesn't. Oh, and for the record: his name is Nathan Ziegler, he's about 175 cm tall, has brown hair and a pretty good figure. ***
Nathan sleepily feels for the alarm clock that had just abruptly woken him from his dreams. Why couldn't the semester holidays have started yet? No, instead there were still a few tests and schoolwork to be done in the next few weeks.
Not that Nathan was a bad student, but somehow he lacked the right connection to the others. The other boys in his class were beginning to take more and more interest in girls, but he couldn't quite understand this interest. He only got along reasonably well with Robert. They often sat together in the afternoons working on maths problems for the next lesson or on Cicero's speeches on various topics.
*** We'll spare you the usual stuff like showering, brushing your teeth and so on and so forth, I'm sure everyone knows how that goes. The only noteworthy thing is that Nathan only drinks a cup of coffee in the morning. So, after crossing out all the unimportant things, we'll accompany him to school right away. ***
Monday morning began as usual with a double period of chemistry. Nathan and Robert, who also sat together in the chemistry classroom, joined the rest of the class, who found it difficult to get excited about the professor's lectures on Mondays at 7:30 a.m., surrounded by various chemicals (the architect would have been better off planning ventilation for the chemistry classroom).
At least he allowed himself to be persuaded not to ignore the break as usual, but to treat himself to a snack.
‘So, how was your holiday?’
‘Oh, it was okay. The usual. Christmas, then a short break from the party and an almost seamless transition to the New Year's Eve celebrations, and then the “same old” skiing holiday,’ replied Robert.
‘Well, something like that. And what did you do on New Year's Eve?‘
’Actually, I wanted to go to Karin's party, but my parents didn't allow it. So I sat at home. We ate cold cuts, watched TV and poured lead at midnight.‘
’And what did you get?’
‘No idea what it was. It looked a bit like goat shit. Not very promising.’
‘Take comfort in the fact that my New Year wasn't any more exciting either.’ Nathan was about to start his description, but the bell interrupted him.
*** At this point, I want to finish where Nathan was interrupted. His New Year's Eve wasn't any more exciting either, especially because he hadn't been invited to Karin's party. ***
The rest of the morning was pretty much business as usual. The two boys took part in class more or less actively, discussed their holidays and arranged to meet after school. They were separated for the last two hours because Robert was taking art while Nathan had chosen music because his drawing skills were rather limited.
*** Not that music lessons were all that much more interesting – the curriculum states that 16-year-olds should be interested in music history – but some art teachers are true pedagogical geniuses. And after asking for the umpteenth time what this was supposed to represent, Nathan had decided that he would rather struggle with music history than opt for ‘advanced humiliation’. ***
Nathan had barely started on the maths homework when Robert rang the doorbell.
‘Hey, I was just about to start without you.’
‘Sorry, I couldn't leave earlier. My mum hadn't finished dinner yet.’
A short time later, the two of them were sitting over the examples and were pleased to find that the professor had had a good day.
‘What are we going to do with the rest of the afternoon?‘
’I don't know. What do you think of just listening to music and chatting a little?‘
’Ok. Put something on.‘
When the first bars of “The Miracle Of Love” sounded, Robert's face took on a pensive expression.
’Tell me, have you ever really been in love?’
‘I don't think so. And you?‘
’Hm, I don't know. I met a nice girl on a skiing holiday...‘
’And? Have you – you know?‘
’Where do you think. After that weird community evening in our guesthouse, she kissed me on the cheek, but that was it.’
Nathan realised that Robert was obviously still a little hung up on his holiday acquaintance and therefore tried to change the subject.
‘Do you know what film we're going to see at the cinema on Thursday? Ms Stangler hasn't said anything about it.’
"No idea. But knowing her, it's bound to be interesting. She just said that it fits in with our next topic, “tolerance”.’
Ms Stangler, given the awesome abbreviation StaPe by the computer, was responsible for teaching English in the class. After four years with various other teachers, she took over the class last year and taught many a student, accustomed to convenience, how to work. With snappy sayings, she kept order in the class like no one else and often caused incredulous amazement when she impressively ensured quiet. ***
‘I'm getting an ice cream. Do you want one too? Hello!’
‘Hm, what did you say? I was just lost in thought.’
"I noticed that. Do you want an ice cream?’
‘Yes, please,‘ replied Robert.
When Nathan returned with two cups of vanilla ice cream with thick chocolate sauce, Robert had changed the CD.
’Cos every time I seem to fall in love, Crash! Boom! Bang! I find the heart but then I hit the wall, Crash! Boom! Bang!...‘
’Here's your ice cream.’
They ate their ice cream in silence for a while, then Nathan said, ‘You loved her, didn't you?’
‘I don't know. I don't know what's going on with me. You think you're just having fun together and then you get a kiss and suddenly everything is different.’
"Do you have her address?’
‘No, I forgot that, idiot that I am. But at least she asked for mine."
*** Well, well, that's how they are, men. If we women didn't always think for them, some dream couples would have been lost forever. They were just prototypes, after all. ***
The two of them spent the rest of the afternoon playing various board games until Robert finally went home in the evening. That night, Nathan lay awake for a long time, wondering how he could cheer Robert up, because this business from the skiing holiday had obviously affected him more than he was willing to admit.
That night he had another strange dream: he is standing in a large ballroom and one by one all the girls in his class come in. But they all walk past him and in the end he is surrounded by dancing couples and mocking laughing faces circle him.
The next morning, Nathan set off for school particularly early because he really wanted to talk to Robert before the first lesson.
Robert was already there when Nathan came into class.
‘Hey, did you sleep well?’ Nathan greeted him.
‘Oh, so-so,’ Robert grumbled back.
‘What's the matter? Were you thinking about her all night?’
"I don't know. In any case, I slept really badly. I don't know what's been going on with me lately.’
‘Maybe you just long for a girl to share your life with?’ “I guess so.”
*** It's always cute when 16-year-old boys play Dr. Sommer. But let's see, maybe Nathan even hit the nail on the head. ***
‘And in the next lesson we're going to start with the next topic. Please read page 37 in your textbook until then.‘
’Ms Stangler?‘
’Yes, Nathan?‘
’What film are we going to see at the cinema on Thursday?‘
’I'm not going to tell you that yet."
Nathan went back to his desk feeling disappointed, where Robert was waiting for him, grinning.
‘Well, you nosey parker. Any luck?‘
’No, you heard him.‘
That afternoon, Robert called Nathan.
’Ziegler?‘
’Hello Mrs Ziegler, this is Robert Falkner. Can I speak to Nathan?‘
’Yes, just a moment, I'll get him. – Nathan, telephone!"
A little later, Nathan was downstairs.
‘Who is it?‘
’Robert.‘
’Hello Robert, what's up?‘
’Steffi wrote to me!‘
’Who?‘
’Steffi. You know, the girl from the skiing holiday.‘
’And?’
‘She writes that she thought I was really nice and that she's sorry we didn't meet earlier. – Hello, are you still there?‘
’Yeah, yeah. I'm really happy for you. Are you going to see each other again?‘
’She writes that she might come to visit during the semester break.‘
’Hey, so? Are you inviting her?’
‘I don't know yet. I have to ask my parents first. So I'll see you tomorrow?‘
’Sure, it's school anyway. See you then.‘
’See you.’
Nathan slowly replaced the receiver and went back to his room. Suddenly he felt empty inside. Somehow he wholeheartedly wished Robert luck, but he was also afraid. Afraid of losing his only friend.
When Robert was feeling sad, he was there for him, but if he entered into a relationship now, he would just be a third wheel. The longer he thought about it, the more terrible he imagined the future to be, until finally he cried himself to sleep.
Well, sweetheart, I'd say it's a clear case based on the symptoms. The stuff that love, intrigue, jealousy and most daily soaps are made of. It just remains to be seen whether friendship is stronger.
When the alarm clock woke Nathan in the morning, he was bathed in sweat and his bed looked like a bomb site. He hadn't slept very well all night and had been haunted by monsters.
Nathan made his way to the bathroom, washed his face with cold water and finally realised that all his efforts to make the dark circles under his eyes disappear were in vain.
*** Yeah, who doesn't know the problem. Apparently, no make-up has yet been invented that reliably covers dark circles. Welcome to real life, kid. ***
‘Don't dawdle, you'll be late for school,‘ his mother called up from downstairs.
’I'm coming.‘
’Well, I think that's a rumour."
Nathan hurried to finish his coffee and get out of the house. His mother was once again in an unbearably good mood, and although he wasn't usually grumpy in the morning, after that night he wanted to save himself the trouble.
He had barely arrived at school when Robert greeted him.
‘Hey, I thought you weren't coming today.’
‘I didn't sleep well. What's going on?’
‘Here, this is it.’
Robert waved a piece of paper in front of Nathan's nose.
‘That's who?’
"Well, the letter. You're a little slow on the uptake today.’
‘Oh, from your holiday acquaintance.‘
’Yes, exactly. Just look at this writing. So beautifully even and curved."
The sheet was indeed covered with perfectly straight lines in beautifully engraved script.
‘And the paper is even perfumed,’ Robert continued to enthuse. He was obviously floating in seventh heaven.
Nathan no longer heard exactly what Robert was saying. He just felt a lump forming in his throat that threatened to cut off his air. He felt as if he would have to gag on his coffee at any moment. What was the matter with him? He should be truly happy for his friend, that he was so in love. Was this jealousy of his happiness? Or just fear of being alone?
The bell for the first hour interrupted Robert's ramblings and brought both of them back down to earth.
Nathan and Robert had gymnastics for the last two hours. Actually, Nathan really hated gymnastics because he was neither sporty nor a sports enthusiast. He was lucky that this did not have a negative effect on his figure, but he could have done very well without it.
The first lesson was musical gymnastics to tapes that had been out since the professor was young, and then there was a floor exercise test.
Nathan could still manage the various types of rolls, but when it came to cartwheels and handstands, he more or less failed.
*** Yes, yes, we don't learn for school but for life. And if a pack of enemy agents should ever chase us, we can impress them with a handstand or a headstand, and then flee by doing a flying roll or cartwheel. ***
In the second lesson, the professor allowed himself to be persuaded to form three teams and play football. Although Nathan usually hated this form of sport too, today it didn't seem so inconvenient to him.
Somehow today he felt the need to kick the ball uncontrollably. In the first game, Nathan and Robert met as opponents.
Kick-off.
A player from the opposing team approached Nathan, who had been assigned to defence. It was Alexander. Nathan didn't like him because in his eyes he was a disgusting show-off who also had nothing on his mind. But in sports he was an ace and the girls were at his feet because of that and also because of his well-toned body. In no time Alexander had tricked Nathan and placed the ball in the goal.
‘Try a little effort next time,‘ Stefan Nathan grumbled.
’Very funny. You go yourself.‘
After ten minutes, Nathan's team had lost by a landslide and the third team was able to fight against Alex and Co. After another ten minutes, the same emerged victorious from the battle.
’This time I'll be a defender and you go to midfield,’ Stefan said to Nathan.
‘If you think so.‘
’Maybe you'll score more in midfield,‘ Stefan said with a mocking grin.
’Very funny.‘
During the game, Nathan's team held out bravely and was even only one goal behind shortly before the end of the game.
’We'll get there too.‘
’Of course we will.’
‘Let's go!"
Nathan received the ball shortly after the kick-off. All the others were covered by opposing players, so he set off alone towards the goal.
‘Don't mess this up,’ flashed through his mind. But Robert had already noticed that Nathan was trying to go it alone and ran towards him. Nathan was only a few metres from the goal, he took a shot, but just as he pulled the trigger, Robert snatched the ball away from him.
But he hadn't reckoned with the fact that Nathan had already taken a shot and now hit him with full force on the lower leg. The subsequent flight was followed by a hard landing.
The professor whistled a foul and rushed to Robert, who lay groaning on the ground, holding his foot. Nathan stood next to him, thunderstruck, not knowing what to say or do.
‘Let me feel, is anything broken?‘ the professor asked.
’No, I don't think so, but it hurts like hell.‘
’Nathan, go outside with him and put cool compresses on the leg. By the way, you have the red card.’
‘After class, I'll go to the hospital with you so that a doctor can take a look at your foot,‘ he said to Robert before he limped to the locker room with Nathan's help.
’Hey, I'm really sorry,’ Nathan said, ’but I didn't want to mess it up at all and I just couldn't stop.’
‘It's okay. Next time I'll give you a wide berth when you're running with the ball.‘
’I hope it's nothing serious.‘
’It's not too bad. It'll be fine in a few days. It'll be a nice bump.‘
’What bump?’
‘Well, because I hit the ground pretty hard when I landed.‘
’Wait, I'll put a cold cloth on it too.‘
’Don't bother. I'm not a washerwoman. This will do. It's not that bad.’ Hey, don't look so worried. You'd think you'd killed someone.’
Before they could talk any further, the mob came storming out of the gym. Robert and Nathan also started to change and a little later the professor arrived.
‘Ready to go, Robert?’
‘Yes, in a moment.’
‘Can I come with you too? After all, it's my fault we're in this mess.’
"All right.’
When they arrived at the hospital, they realised that today had obviously been a popular day for accidents. Almost all the seats in the waiting room were taken and the nurse at the front desk said that it would probably take a while.
After he had completed the formalities, the professor said to the two of them: ‘Unfortunately, I can't stay with you because I still have a dentist appointment myself, but I hope I can count on you not to do anything stupid.’
"All right. I can't do much jumping anyway.’
After the professor had left and some time had passed, Nathan said, ‘What do you think about me sitting down and you on my lap? My feet are about to fall off.’
‘Are you crazy, I'm not gay!’
‘What does that have to do with it?’
‘Only girls do that!’
After what felt like two hours, it was finally Robert's turn.
The doctor said that it was fortunately only a slight bruise and that the bone was not injured. ‘No sports for the next few weeks and rest in general. Also, apply this ointment twice a day and bandage it with a fasche* during the day.’ (* Austrian: Fasche - German: elastic bandage)
Robert called his parents from the hospital and his father came to get the two boys.
‘Your mother was very upset when she heard that you were calling from the hospital. But I calmed her down right away and told her that it wasn't that bad.‘
’Thanks, Dad.‘
’But next time you'd better pay more attention when you're fending,’ Mr Falkner said with a wink.
Nathan sat silently in the car the whole way and watched the streets go by.
‘Are you asleep? We're here.’
‘Oh. I was just lost in thought. Thanks for the ride home, Mr Falkner. And sorry again about your bruised foot.’
‘It's not that bad. I'll see you tomorrow.’
"Ok. See you then. Bye.’
That evening, too, Nathan lay awake for a long time, brooding. Why did everything have to be so complicated? He used to sit on Robert's lap and no one cared. And now it's suddenly gay?
‘Do you become gay if you sit on a man's lap? What is gay like anyway? Isn't it weird when you kiss a man?’ Finally, Nathan fell asleep and dreamt of fairies, elves and better days.
The next morning, Nathan was especially keen to get to school, because he didn't want to miss the trip to the cinema.
Cinema is only on the programme from the fourth lesson, but that's just how young people are. Impetuous and enthusiastic. That's nice.
The others in Nathan's class were just as curious, so it was one of those rare days when everyone was at school well before the first lesson. And of course there was a lot of speculation about which film would be shown. In the wildest speculations, films were suggested, but the needle of probability burst many a bubble.
After what felt like two and a half hours, Ms Stangler finally came in to collect the class. Mr Kettenbauer, the class maths teacher, was actually quite happy to get rid of the class early, as the level of attention had already approached zero.
Five minutes later, the whole class was standing in front of the school gate, ready to leave. ‘We're going to the Filmpalast now. The cinema's owner has agreed to put on an extra show for us this morning. Let's go.’
*** A brief explanation: the Filmpalast is a small cinema that shows not only the usual Hollywood fare but also more sophisticated films and original versions. ***
Once we arrived at the cinema, Ms Stangler paid for the class and agreed with the owner that she needed a few minutes with the class before the film started.
‘Sit down and shut up please. Today we're going to see a film about two boys discovering their identity and feelings. The film will be in English, but there are German subtitles. I would ask you to try to follow the film without reading them. Homework until Saturday is to write down the plot of the film. Ok. Let's go now. Roll the film please.’
After it had been established that the film was called ‘Beautiful Thing’, Nathan started thinking again – as far as this was possible on the side. He had heard the title somewhere before. Or was it just his imagination?
Jamie wants to rub Ste's back and lets him smell a bottle of foot balm with peppermint.
Jamie: ‘Like it and I'll rub it into your back... If you want.’
Jamie: ‘Cold, isn't it?’
Ste: ‘Yeah.’
Jamie tenderly rubs Ste's back, taking care not to touch the wounds.
Nathan watched it with incredulous amazement and at the same time became more and more confused. Why didn't he find it repulsive? What was this strange tingling sensation that drove him crazy? And why did something start to stir in his pants when one boy rubbed the other's back?
Jamie: ‘Have you ever kissed anyone and stuck your tongue in?’
Ste: ‘How can I do this?’
Jamie: ‘It ain't ugly.’
Ste: ‘With me it'd be ugly.’
Jamie: ‘I don't think you're ugly.’
Jamie: ‘Turn over, I'll do your front.’
Ste: ‘I can't... I'm too sore.’
"Shh! Robert. Why isn't he turning over?’
‘How should I know. Maybe he's got a hard-on.‘
’Why?‘
’I don't know. Don't be so stupid."
Ste: “Turn off the light... Please.”
Jamie: “I don't wanna.”
Ste quickly dives under the covers and the two lie head to foot.
Jamie: “Can I come up there?”
Ste: ’No.’
Jamie: ‘Please.’
Ste: ‘Stay where you are!’
Ste watches Jamie anxiously and struggles with himself. Finally he turns and lies head to head with Jamie.
Ste: ‘Satisfied?’
Jamie: ‘Mhm... Night.’
Jamie kisses Ste on the lips. Fearful looks follow, but then change into tender ones.
Ste: ‘Do you think I'm queer?’
Jamie: ‘I don't know what I think.’
Jamie turns off the light.
Jamie: ‘Can I touch you?’
Ste: ‘I'm a bit sore.’
Jamie: ‘Yeah.’
Jamie touches Ste tenderly...
1996 Channel Four Corporation)
Nathan hardly noticed the rest of the film, the feelings that arose took up all his attention. It became increasingly clear to him that he, Nathan Ziegler, was gay.
And he envied Ste and Jamie. He wanted to have a boyfriend too, to be held, caressed, kissed.
*** Nathan is so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he doesn't even notice that Robert has been leaning against his leg the whole time and briefly touches Nathan's knee during a kissing scene. Was that a coincidence? We'll see. ***
When the film was over and the others had already got up to gather in the anteroom, Nathan was still sitting in his chair, staring spellbound at the screen.
‘Hey, wake up! We're leaving,’ said Robert. ‘What's the matter, did you see a ghost or do you have a crush?’
After these words, Nathan jumped up and stormed past Frau Stangler and the others out of the cinema.
‘Nathan! Stop! You can't just run away like that. You stay here.’
But when Frau Stangler came out of the cinema and looked around, Nathan was already gone.
Part
2
–
Coming
Out
Nathan ran three blocks before he ran out of breath. Breathlessly, he leaned against a wall. In his mind's eye, a wave of problems piled up, ready to engulf him at any moment.
‘Gays kidnap children.’
‘Gays are obsessed with youth.’
‘Gays die lonely deaths.’
"Gays have AIDS.’
‘Gays are perverse.‘
’Gays live against nature.‘
’Gays..."
The sentences raced faster and faster through Nathan's head, going round in circles – faster! Faster! Faster!
Nathan didn't even notice how his knees went weak and the ground seemed to give way under his feet. A brief dizziness and blackness covered his face like a cloth before he fainted.
*** It's really irresponsible to stuff young people (and everyone else, for that matter) full of such stupid prejudices. And when they're affected themselves, something like this happens and everyone is surprised. Hopefully this will turn out well for Nathan. ***
‘Hey, wake up,’ was the first thing Nathan heard.
He slowly opened his eyes and tried to sit up, but was gently stopped by a hand. As the fog lifted, he looked into two bright blue eyes.
The owner of these two eyes might have just turned 18.
‘What, what happened?’ Nathan asked.
The boy replied, ‘I just came from the drugstore over there and saw you over here, collapsed like a piece of wood. I couldn't just stand by and watch.’
Only now did Nathan notice that the stranger was kneeling next to him without his jacket, and that the jacket was lying under his head. The pleasant scent rose to his nose.
"What's your name, anyway?’
‘Nathan. And you?‘
’Manuel. Come on, I'll help you up, otherwise you'll catch cold lying here on the floor."
Before Nathan could protest, Manuel had taken him under the shoulders as if he had to carry an unconscious man.
Was it his imagination, or did Manuel hold him a moment longer than necessary?
‘You know what, we'll go to the café over there and you'll have a hot tea to get your circulation going again.‘
Nathan wanted to say something, but Manuel's determination brooked no contradiction.
A short time later, they were sitting across from each other with a cup of hot fruit tea.
’Has something like this happened to you before?’ Manuel asked.
‘Er. What?’ Nathan's mind had been somewhere else again.
*** Well, not that far away. For one thing, he had been lost in Manuel's eyes and, for another, he wondered if he really was gay. Let's see how this goes on. It's really sizzling and tingling. ***
‘I meant whether you've passed out before.‘
’Not really.‘
After a short pause, Nathan asked, “Do you still go to school?”
’Yes. But not here. I'm only going to start at the local high school in the next semester. We just moved here recently, so I'm finishing the semester at my old school.’
‘Hey, then we'll probably see each other more often. I also go to the gym here. And what class are you in?‘
’7th. And you?‘
’I'm only in 6th. I would have thought you were older.’
‘That's probably because, at 189 cm, I'm not exactly average height for my age. Hm. I have to go now, otherwise my mother will start to worry. You know how it is. But if you like, you can come with me. I'm sure my parents won't mind.‘
’Hm. Yes, I'd like that.’
After they had paid, they set off. Manuel's house was in a residential area on the outskirts of the city, so they took the bus a few stops. After walking a few more blocks, they stood in front of a neat detached house.
‘This is it. Do you like it?’
"Yes, it's quite nice. Let's go inside, it's starting to snow.’
‘Hello, is anybody home?‘
’Hello Manuel, I'm here in the kitchen.‘
A pleasantly soft female voice came from the kitchen.
’I have a visitor with me,‘ Manuel said and went with Nathan into the kitchen.
’This is Nathan. And this is my mother.‘
’Hello Mrs. um...’ Nathan felt his face redden.
‘Wallner,‘ Manuel's mother added, “but that doesn't matter. Just make yourself at home here – as much as that's possible. You see, we haven't finished unpacking everything yet. Manuel has probably already told you that we only just moved here.”
’Yes, he has. We'll go over to my room then.‘
’Okay.’
‘Don't be shocked when you go in, it still looks a bit like a mess,’ Manuel said.
*** Always these understatements. The room was just furnished with furniture – a wide bed, by the way – and lots of larger and smaller moving boxes. In between, there was also a lot of unpacked stuff waiting to be stored. ***
‘I can't disagree with you,‘ Nathan said with a cheeky grin.
’Let's just sit on the bed, the armchair is full,‘ Manuel suggested. “Well, so this is my future realm.”
’What's that?’ Nathan asked, pointing to a colourful piece of cloth hanging out of one of the boxes.
Manuel blushed a little and looked embarrassed: ‘Oh, it's just a flag, nothing more.’ He tried to quickly stuff the piece of cloth back into the box.
"Can I see it? What do you need it for?’
*** 100 points for you, sweetheart! Have you ever heard of sensitivity, tact or a sure instinct? The guy turns red and tries to quickly hide the thing, and you keep digging without hesitation or mercy...
Hesitantly, Manuel pulled a rainbow flag out of the box. Somehow, the flag looked familiar to Nathan, but he couldn't quite place where. After Nathan had looked at the flag, Manuel carefully folded it again and put it back in the box.
‘Where did you get it?’ Nathan asked.
"My mother gave it to me.’
In the meantime, Manuel had sat down on the bed with Nathan again, and now they were only a thigh's width apart. Manuel's closeness confused Nathan just as much as the strange tingling sensation that had been running through him the whole time.
The conversation had come to a standstill anyway and they just looked deep into each other's eyes. Nathan lost himself in those radiant eyes, immersed himself in them and took off. He wanted to touch Manuel, hold him, just feel his warmth.
But at that moment, Manuel jumped up and looked at Nathan with fear-filled eyes. ‘Do you hate me now?’ ‘I think it's better if you leave now.’
Nathan had no idea what was going on and didn't react to Manuel's request.
‘Please go. Go!’
‘What's the matter, why should I hate you?’
‘Well, because of that thing.’
"What thing?’
*** Sweetheart, you really are more naive than the police allow. The guy picks you up off the street, takes you for tea, takes you home, has a rainbow flag, looks deep into your eyes and is close enough to touch. What more do you need to realise what's going on? A billboard on the main street? Radio announcements? Well. Let's get back to the action. ***
During the conversation, they had moved to Manuel's room door. ‘That I'm gay. I like guys.’
*** It's a shame you can't see the look on Nathan's face. Rarely seen a stupider guy. ***
Nathan's confusion increased immeasurably. Was that something bad? With wet eyes Manuel showed him to the door and raised his hand briefly in farewell before he closed the door behind Nathan.
Now Nathan was standing in the middle of dancing snowflakes and didn't know what was happening to him. Somehow he felt like crying. Slowly he made his way towards the city centre.
But at the first crossroads, he changed his plan and walked aimlessly through the neighbourhood. The longer he walked, the clearer his thoughts became, and the more he became determined. He had to go to Manuel again and tell him that he didn't hate him, that he felt the same way.
After two circuits around the block, he had mustered up the courage to ring the doorbell. Mrs Wallner opened it. For a moment, her face seemed to express something like relief, or was it just his imagination?
"I'm sorry to bother you again, but I think I left my fountain pen at Manuel's.’
Boy, oh boy, I've heard a lot of bad excuses, but this one takes the cake.
‘Go on in, he's in his room.’
Nathan wondered if Ms Wallner had really not heard about the fight, or if she was just a good actress.
He knocked tentatively on the door to Manuel's room. A hesitant ‘Come in’ followed and Nathan entered. Manuel was obviously surprised that it was Nathan and tried to look friendly, but Nathan noticed that he had apparently been crying shortly before.
He quickly closed the door.
"I've been thinking about what you said before.’
‘And?‘ Manuel replied anxiously.
’I've realised a few things,’ Nathan said, taking a step closer to Manuel. When Nathan was standing right in front of him, Manuel lowered his head. Nathan gently lifted his chin, looked briefly into the blue eyes that looked at him fearfully, and gave him a gentle kiss on the mouth.
‘You too?’ Manuel stammered, but Nathan just quietly gestured to him not to destroy the moment with words and hugged him. It seemed like an eternity in seventh heaven as they stood there, hugging each other. He felt Manuel's hand resting in his hair, he felt his closeness, his warmth, the wonderful scent.
After a seemingly endless embrace, they broke away from each other.
‘How long have you known?’ Nathan asked.
"Good question. I've only really been aware of it since I turned 16. I've fallen for boys before, but I just couldn't put it into words. And you?’
‘This morning. We went to see ‘Beautiful Thing’ at the cinema and it suddenly hit me.‘
’And then it all became a bit much for you.‘
’Exactly. Does anyone know about you?‘
’Well, my best friends know and my parents and of course the guys from the group.‘
’What group?’
‘I meet with other gay guys around my age twice a month. It's a bit of a drive, but it's worth it. Do you want to come with me next time?‘
’Well, I don't know.‘
’Don't panic, nobody's going to bite you. They've all been through the same thing you have.’
‘I'll think about it. I think I have to go now, otherwise my mother will report me missing. You know how mothers are.‘
’Will I see you tomorrow?‘
’We'll see if the teachers are feeling generous tomorrow.‘
’I'll write down my phone number in any case. Will you give me yours too?’
‘Yes, sure.‘ After the successful exchange of numbers, Manuel accompanied Nathan to the front door and gave him a hug goodbye.
’Well then, take care and see you soon.‘
’Yeah, you too,’ Nathan said goodbye.
*** Well, kiss him already! Everyone in the building already knows that you two are head over heels in love and no one is looking anyway. ***
Despite saying goodbye, they were still standing in front of the locked front door, holding hands. Manuel looked deep into Nathan's eyes and Nathan was lost in thought too. Manuel gently pulled him closer and breathed a questioning ‘May I?’
‘What?’
*** Boy, oh boy. What do you think? Crochet you a potholder? ***
"Kiss you.’
Instead of an answer, Nathan pulled Manuel even closer and shortly after, their tongues were already dancing the lovers' round dance.
Full of pleasure and affection, they explored each other, Nathan's hand slid under Manuel's shirt and Manuel also went on a journey of exploration. A little later, with Nathan's jacket already on the floor, the two were interrupted by a throat clearing.
‘I don't want to disturb you two, but don't you want to continue in your room?‘ Mrs Wallner suggested.
Nathan blushed immediately. “We, I mean, I mean we...”
’It's okay. I know what's going on and I don't have a problem with it. To be honest, I was even hoping that you would come back. But now don't let me disturb you any further.’
‘I really have to go now. I'll see you tomorrow. I promise.‘
’Okay, see you then.’ One last kiss was exchanged and then it was really time to go out into the cold reality.
*** He can consider himself really lucky with this mother-in-law. Another woman would have probably chased him out of the house as soon as she came round. ***
Part
3
–
Almost
Unreal
Out in the clear winter air, it became more and more clear to Nathan that he was head over heels in love with the boy he had just kissed so fiercely. And what had seemed like the end of the world just a few hours ago took on a completely different colouring. Nathan set off home elated.
At home, he was immediately met by his mother.
‘Tell me, do you know what time it is? You could have at least called.‘
Only now did Nathan realise that he should have been home a few hours ago.
’I'm sorry, I totally lost track of time."
And before his mother could ask any more, Nathan disappeared into his room.
The next morning, Nathan was met at school by Robert.
‘Tell me, what happened yesterday? You were running as if something were after you.’
Nathan realised that he was blushing. What should he do? He didn't want to lie to his best friend, but he couldn't tell him the truth.
He wasn't even sure himself whether he had dreamt the whole thing. But Manuel's kisses had tasted too real for that.
‘You're impossible to get anything out of,’ said Robert. ‘Then let's go downstairs, we've got gym class again today.’
"Do you think Frau Stangler will say something to my parents?’
‘I don't know. In any case, she said that you should report to her today."
On the way to the gym, Nathan wondered what Frau Stangler wanted from him. Did she already know everything and just wanted him to deliver his death sentence? Did she want to know from him what was going on?
When they entered the changing room, he was distracted from his thoughts. Somehow, something was different today. He hurried to put on his gym clothes and tried not to look at anyone.
But what was different?
Hadn't he always been gay?
Was he afraid of getting a hard-on in front of everyone?
*** Oh, he's really not making it easy for himself. Nothing happened the many times before, did it? ***
After what felt like three hours, Nathan went to the conference room during the big break to report to Ms Stangler. After she arrived, she told Nathan that they had something to discuss. They went into a small meeting room and Ms Stangler gestured for Nathan to sit down.
‘I assume that you had a good reason to run away yesterday,‘ she said in a calm tone.
Nathan felt red in the face once again.
’I, um, I, well...’
‘I haven't told anyone about this yet because I think we can sort it out ourselves. But you have to realise that you could have got me into a lot of trouble. If something had happened to you, I would have been fully responsible.‘
’I'm sorry.’
‘Then we'll consider the matter closed. Now, I have to get my things for my next lesson. Stay here for a moment and think about everything again.’
When she picked up her bag, a small notebook fell out.
‘You've lost something.’
‘Oh, it's all right, it can stay there. I don't need it anymore. Well, I really have to go now.’
In the doorway, she turned around again: ‘Oh yes.’
Nathan looked up questioningly.
"Go your way and be happy.’
With these words she closed the door behind her. Nathan stood up and went to the notebook lying on the floor next to the sofa where Frau Stangler had just been sitting. It was a magazine from a gay group. Somehow it dawned on him that Frau Stangler knew more than he had thought.
*** Of course, sweetheart, the woman didn't become a teacher for nothing. She can put herself in the shoes of her students. And when someone sits on ‘Beautiful Thing’ at first as if they'd been struck by lightning and then runs away, it's like half a coming out. ***
‘And?’ Robert wanted to know how the conversation with Ms Stangler went.
‘All ok. The case is closed.‘
’How did you manage that?‘
’I'm not telling.‘
’And what's that thing you've got there?‘ asked Robert, pointing to the booklet that Nathan had put in a plastic bag.
And once again, Nathan felt the blush rising as he searched for a plausible answer.
’This?’
‘Yes, exactly that!‘
’Well, it's just a thing, a, a, a cinema programme.‘
*** Yeah, yeah. Look, there's a pink dinosaur flying. ***
’Can I see it?‘
’Um, well, actually...’
‘Then don't. We'll go into town this afternoon.‘
’Er, I'm sorry, but I still have to study history.‘
’But he's not checking tomorrow.‘
’Well, I thought... you know, just learn something.‘
’Well, don't then,’ said Robert, walking to his seat.
For the rest of the morning, Nathan just waited for the school day to end so that he could hurry home and get on to Manuel as soon as he'd finished the most necessary tasks.
After three more lessons, Nathan hurried home, but Robert wanted an explanation for the excuse about learning history.
"Say, what's up with you?’
‘Nothing, what should be?‘ Nathan felt his nervousness begin to increase immeasurably.
’So that nothing is, you can tell someone else, you're acting too differently than usual.‘
’Oh my God, so it's already showing on my face,' Nathan thought.
‘I'm sorry, but I really have to go now, my mother is probably already waiting with dinner. See you tomorrow.‘
’Okay, see you tomorrow."
On his way home, Nathan started brooding again. He had to tell Robert in any case, otherwise their friendship would be at stake. After all, he couldn't lie forever. On the other hand, he was afraid that Robert would turn away.
After he had finished lunch and the most important tasks, he called Manuel immediately.
‘Wallner,’ a woman's voice answered.
‘Hello Mrs Wallner, this is Nathan. I wanted to ask if Manuel is available.’
‘Yes, just a moment, I'll get him.’
Nathan heard the receiver being put down next to the phone.
‘What if he can't or doesn't want to remember me at all?’ it crossed his mind, ‘or what if he just wants to use me?’
*** Now just stop it! First of all, you can still ask yourself that when the time comes. And secondly, you weren't exactly shy and reserved yesterday either. ***
‘Hello Nathan, I thought you weren't going to call anymore.’
‘Sorry, I still had homework to do.’
"Do you want to come over?’
‘Sure, I'll be right over.‘
’You better put on shoes,‘ Manuel joked.
’See you then.‘
’Yeah, see you then.‘
He quickly changed and was on his way to Manuel's house. The closer he got, the lighter his heart felt. When he finally rang the doorbell at the Wallners’, Manuel opened the door at the same moment.
‘Hey, were you standing behind the door?‘
’Not exactly. I'm glad you're here.‘
With that, he pulled Nathan in and slammed the door shut. The next moment, they were hugging and kissing each other passionately.
’Well, if it isn't Nathan,‘ a voice called from the background.
The two of them parted.
’Hello, Mrs Wallner.’
‘Hello Nathan. I didn't want to disturb you either. I just have to go out for a moment, but I guess you can manage without me.‘
’I'll take care of Nathan,’ Manuel replied.
After a brief farewell, the two went to Manuel's room, which, to Nathan's amazement, looked much tidier than the day before.
‘Wow, what happened here?‘
’I thought you might like things a bit tidier than a mess.‘
’Well, it's not that great in my place either."
In fact, some boxes had already disappeared and in return some shelves had been partially put away. Nathan was particularly taken with the large stereo system.
‘So, what's it like? I've been thinking about getting a decent stereo system myself, but I don't know which one yet.‘
’Yeah, it's pretty good. Hang on, I'll put something on.‘
’Do you like Eurythmics too?’ Nathan asked as the first bars of “Sweet Dreams” began to play.
No, I can't stand the song, but thanks to my gift of sight I knew that you liked it and therefore put it on. Silly question.
‘Yes, I've always loved how Annie slips into the most diverse roles.’ They sat down on the bed and let the music wash over them.
As is often the case with those newly in love, they didn't sit next to each other for long before they were kissing each other passionately again. Soon they were lying closely entwined on the bed, caressing each other.
*** And as it so often happens, the superfluous layers of clothing fell away over time and so we soon find the two of them in their underwear – cute little things, by the way. ***
Manuel gently stroked the bulge between Nathan's legs, which was getting bigger and bigger. Nathan got goosebumps and started to tremble.
‘Hey, what's the matter?’
‘I'm just not sure if I'm ready for this. It's all going so fast.’
Manuel gently stroked Nathan's back.
‘Yesterday I still didn't know what was wrong with me and now I'm lying here next to you. On the one hand I'd like to do it, but on the other hand I'm afraid of it.’
‘I know the feeling. But I think I know what to do. Just relax and enjoy it."
*** Well, Nathan has more luck than sense again. Many others would have just carried on or maybe pulled the old “if you love me, you'll sleep with me” trick. Well, let's see what good things he's come up with. ***
Manuel made Nathan lie down on his stomach, stretched out. Then he began gently caressing and caressing every inch of the body that was presented to him. He started by caressing and massaging Nathan's feet, stroking and kissing his thighs, lingering at the back of his knees, continuing on and finally kneading the firm buttocks that were presented to him.
Then he kissed and caressed his way up Nathan's spine, massaging his shoulders and neck, stroking his hair tenderly, nibbling on his earlobes and finally running his tongue along Nathan's spine again before turning him onto his back.
Nathan wanted to sit up a little and kiss Manuel, but he gently pushed him back onto the mattress and slid down. Again, he caressed his feet, stroked and kissed his thighs up until he reached the loins.
He gently stroked to the left and right of the bulge, almost driving Nathan crazy. Then he slid up a little higher and began to play with Nathan's navel with his tongue, travelling higher, nibbling and sucking tenderly on the nipples, which were hard and large.
And further on, his path led to Nathan's ear lobes, which he nibbled on while running his fingers through his hair. Finally, he kissed him on the tip of his nose, ran his fingertip over the shiny, moist lips, and then ended it all with a never-ending kiss.
*** Honey, switch off the telly and come over, I need, erm, need you really urgently. ***
Nathan pulled Manuel very close to him.
‘Let's do it. I'll lose my mind here otherwise,’ he whispered in Manuel's ear.
‘Ok.’
While Nathan tried to get rid of his last shred of clothing, Manuel fished two condoms out of the drawer of the bedside table.
‘So we don't have any children,’ he said with a grin, while he also peeled Nathan out of his trousers.
The condom was quickly in place and a little later Nathan felt considerably relieved.
‘Oh, banana,‘ he realised as he went on the counterattack.
Finally, they lay in bed, cuddled up close.
’I didn't think sex could be so good,‘ said Nathan, “you almost drove me crazy.”
’But you seemed to like it quite a bit,’ Manuel grinned.
Instead of answering, Nathan kissed him again and let his hand slide lower.
‘Not that I have anything against it, but I estimate that my mother will be here any moment. And as quiet as you were earlier...’
Nathan blushed a little.
"It's not a problem. There was no one there to listen.’
*** By the way, I'm back now, too. I'm sorry I left you alone for a moment, but it was necessary. ***
Sure enough, Manuel's mother came home a little later.
‘I'm sorry, but it took a little longer. I hope you managed without me.’
"Yes, thank you. Manuel took really good care of me.’
‘I can imagine that,’ Frau Wallner smiled, which once again brought a blush to Nathan's face. “Would you please help her carry the shopping in?”
As it turned out, the “short trip” had turned into a full week's shopping, so there was quite a bit to carry in.
‘How about you join us for dinner tonight?‘ Mrs Wallner suggested.
’I'd love to, I just have to let my parents know first. Can I use your phone?‘
A little time and some persuasion later, that was sorted too, and so Nathan went back into the room with Manuel.
’Well, I'm kind of a little nervous.’
‘Why?‘
’Well, my first family dinner as a son-in-law,‘ Nathan smiled.
’Oh, you don't need to see it that dramatically, my parents have known for a while and are therefore fine with it. As long as you don't act like an animal, there's no problem.’
‘Then I'm reasonably reassured. And what do we do until dinner?‘
’What do you think of listening to some music and cuddling?‘
’Hmm,’ Nathan asked himself broodingly, before pulling Manuel into his room after a seemingly indifferent “If you think so” and kissing him passionately just behind the door.
*** So, let's turn the wheel of time a few hours and many kisses further. ***
Finally, Ms Wallner called the two of them to the table and, having become hungry from all the kissing, they quickly followed her call. There were grilled chops with fried potatoes and letcho.
Nathan looked at Mr Wallner, who had just come in through the door, with interest but wariness.
‘You must be Nathan,’ he said, shaking his hand.
After everyone had filled their plates and sat down at the table, Mr Wallner raised his glass.
"Let's drink to you both. We're happy that you've found each other and wish you all the best.’
Then the likeable fifty-two-year-old with the silver-coloured curl turned to Nathan.
‘Since you're now part of the family, so to speak, we'd be happy if you called us Franziska and Wolfgang.’
The rest of the dinner was quite casual and cheerful, and Nathan also began to thaw out a bit after a while.
Finally, it was time to say goodbye again, and with a last, heartfelt kiss, Nathan set off for home.
Part
4
–
Heading
For
Troubles
The following weekend, Nathan spent as much time as possible with Manuel. He would have liked to have spent the whole weekend with him, but he feared that this might make his parents suspicious.
Robert was a little offended because he didn't know why Nathan had so little time for him from one day to the next. On Monday, he finally took him aside during the big break.
"Tell me, what's going on with you? Since we saw that film, you hardly have time for anything and don't even listen properly when someone is talking to you.’
‘Nonsense. I'm just really busy at the moment, that's all.‘
’And I'm supposed to buy that?‘
’Believe it or not, it's true,’ Nathan replied defiantly, turning away and leaving. Robert shook his head as he watched him go.
Nathan went to the old dressing room, which was now used as a storage room for various things. At least he would not be disturbed here. As he contemplated how things were developing, he felt tears coming to his eyes.
He had just lied to his best friend again and offended him. If only he could just tell him the truth, but he was afraid that Robert wouldn't understand.
When the next hour was announced, Nathan hurried to wash his face so that everyone wouldn't see that he had cried.
The weeks leading up to the summer holidays were all similar. Nathan met with Manuel more or less secretly, tried not to neglect school too much and met with Robert once or twice, although these meetings arose more out of guilt, as Nathan could hardly look him in the eye anymore.
*** So, if he doesn't find the courage to tell Robert that he's gay soon, I'm afraid this friendship is going down the drain. ***
‘And are you looking forward to the holidays?’
‘Of course, just a few more days and Steffi is coming.’
"Oh yes, you told me. What do your parents say about you having a lady friend?’
‘Oh, they're very open-minded about it, even if they don't talk about it much. Of course she'll be sleeping in my bed while I make myself comfortable in a sleeping bag on the floor. But my parents seem to assume that it's going to happen, because yesterday I found a pack of condoms under the pillow.‘
’Well, I hope you both have fun.’
‘We'll see. How are things with you in terms of love? Lately you haven't been showing your hand anymore.‘
’I think there's something I should tell you.‘
’What?‘ asked Robert, looking amazed.
’Well, there is a reason why I've had so little time lately.’
‘I almost guessed that. Now don't keep me in suspense.‘
’Well, I fell head over heels in love.‘
’Hey, that's great. Then the four of us can do something together during the semester break. Who's the lucky girl?’
‘Well, there's something else,‘ Nathan said, feeling a lump rise in his throat, “There isn't a ”lucky girl’, it's a boy."
Robert couldn't hide his astonishment. “You? What? You're a fag?”
*** Really very empathetic, darling. Do you even realise how hard it was for him to tell you that? ***
Nathan felt the tears welling up and ran away.
He walked purposefully to the place where he had sat for so many hours, with or without Robert. As he sat in the snow on the bank of the stream and stared at the air bubbles under the ice, there was no holding him back.
He felt the tears hot on his cheeks and couldn't stop sobbing. They had been friends for so long and now it was all supposed to be over just because he loved Manuel? Angrily, he threw a lump of ice onto the silvery blue surface in front of him. Small chunks of ice splintered off when it hit the ice and slid along it.
The crunching of footsteps in the snow made him turn around.
‘So, is he good to you?’ Robert had arrived.
Without waiting for Nathan's reply, he continued: ‘I'm sorry I reacted so stupidly earlier, I was just kind of amazed. I just thought I knew you. But I guess I overlooked that. But no matter who you love, we'll stay friends.
With these words, Robert held out his hand. Nathan hesitantly took it and the handshake turned into a hug.
Again, Nathan felt tears on his cheeks.
‘You're crying,’ Robert realised.
"Yes, but this time it's relief that I haven't lost my best friend.’
After they had talked for a while, Nathan set out to tell Manuel about his outing.
‘Hey, that went really well,’ Manuel hugged Nathan.
"Sure, the four of us can hang out together. But how about the three of us doing something in the next few days?’
‘Okay, can I make a quick phone call? Then I can arrange something with Robert right away."
A little later, the three of them had arranged to go for a walk in the city the next day.
That night, Nathan could hardly sleep because he was still so preoccupied by the events of the day.
So the next day he was very happy when school was over. Finally, he strolled with Robert to the agreed meeting point.
Manuel was a little late. Five minutes later he came running, his face red with effort. He kissed Nathan and apologised for being late.
‘I hope you haven't been waiting too long, but I had to get something and there was an endless queue at the checkout again.‘
’We haven't been waiting long anyway. Oh yes, even though you might have guessed, Manuel, this is Robert, Robert, this is Manuel."
The two shook hands briefly; they had already stolen glances at each other anyway.
‘Good, so what do we do now?‘
’Well, I would suggest we go and get something to eat first, otherwise I'll die of hunger here in a minute.‘
’Well, don't be so shameless, you won't fall off the meat that fast,‘ Manuel said.
’Are you trying to tell me that you think I'm fat?’ Nathan replied with mock insult.
When Robert saw the two of them like that, he hoped that he would get along just as well with Steffi.
*** I'll briefly summarise the rest of the afternoon, because not much actually happened.
They just went from shop to shop, trying on clothes here and there, or – Nathan and Manuel – needed a changing room for a passionate kiss.
Robert was sometimes conflicted in his feelings, sometimes he was happy for his friend, sometimes he envied him his luck. Let's see what the holidays and Steffi bring for him. ***
Finally, the three of them parted ways. Robert had to go home and Manuel and Nathan went to Manuel's house. After they had arrived and Ms Wallner had greeted Nathan, they retired to Manuel's room.
*** We'll give them a little privacy. How's the weather where you are? Nice? Well, that's great. ***
As they lay cuddled up together, Manuel asked: ‘Do you fancy coming to the youth centre with us on Saturday?’
"If you're coming, I am.’
‘Ok, then we'll just meet at the station at noon. Oh yes, so you don't wonder: there will probably be a guy there who once wanted something from me and has held a grudge against me ever since because I rejected him.‘
’Ok, but now I have another idea,’ Nathan said, turning back to Manuel.
On Saturday, Nathan hurried home after the last lesson, did his usual beautifying rituals and then headed for the station.
‘I thought you weren't coming,’ Manuel greeted him with a kiss.
‘I just couldn't decide what to wear.’
"You would have come without it.’
‘Very funny. Hopefully we'll get an empty compartment. I hate travelling in a cattle car.’
When the train pulled in, they were lucky because a larger tour group got off. They immediately took one of the six-person compartments and closed the curtains. A little later, the train started moving.
After the conductor had checked their tickets shortly afterwards, Manuel asked: ‘So, are you nervous yet?’
‘Actually, yes. After all, it's my first time.‘
’Hm, then I'll just distract you a little."
He spoke and went on a voyage of discovery under Nathan's T-shirt. A little later, his concerns were also history because passion had swept them away. So they kissed and caressed each other and had already opened their trousers.
Suddenly they heard the door to the next compartment open.
‘Board service. Coffee, tea, cold drinks. Snacks. Can I help you?’
They quickly got dressed again, but the board service passed the compartment with the closed curtains.
Finally they arrived and made their way to the youth group.
‘You really don't need to be nervous,’ Manuel said, but he knew that only the reassuring experience that there were no aliens in the youth group would calm Nathan down.
When they were standing in front of the entrance to the old house, he gave him a fleeting kiss and then they went inside.
The rooms were lovingly furnished, although it was impossible to determine a particular style. Nathan immediately noticed the large newspaper rack.
‘Are these all...?’ he whispered.
‘Yes,’ Manuel replied, ‘you can take some. Most of them are free.’
‘Hey, Manuel, you old heartbreaker!’ came from the door.
When Nathan turned around, wide-eyed, he saw a slim guy of medium height, around 20. Nathan immediately noticed that he was wearing heavy make-up and green nail varnish.
‘Well, what have we got here?’ the stranger said to Nathan. ‘Don't worry, I don't bite. Unless I go into ecstasy during sex.’
‘That's enough, Richie. First of all, Nathan is my boyfriend, and besides, I don't want him to get a bad impression of the youth group the first time.‘
’Pah, you're just afraid that he might find me more attractive than you."
With these words, Richie turned his back on them, not without sending an exaggerated “Ciao, sweetheart” in Nathan's direction.
‘Wh...what was that?‘ Nathan asked, visibly shocked.
’That was Richie. I admit, he takes some getting used to, but anyone he takes into his heart can have anything from him.‘
’Did he really mean that about biting during sex?’
‘Oh no, I've never done it with him, but most of it is just a kind of playing with clichés. He's just a queer in pure culture.‘
’And I'm proud of it, sweetheart,’ came from the door. ’But don't you want to come in, we would have liked to have started.’
There were already a few other guys sitting in the group room who – much to Nathan's relief – were less conspicuous.
*** And while everyone is now looking for a place in the room, which actually radiates the cosiness of an oversized living room, I'll briefly introduce the group. Richie, for example, has already made a lasting impression. He's 23, by the way, and also the oldest in the group. Then there are Michael and Simon, who lead the group together, both 20, Tim is 22 and Jan is 19.
‘What are we doing today? Reversing the polarity?’
"No, Richie, we'll leave that to you. Today, we're just going to chat.’
‘Who wants coffee?‘ Tim asked.
’One, two, three, four... oh what the heck, I'll just make a pot.‘
’So how did you guys meet?‘ Simon wanted to know from Nathan and Manuel.
“Oh, you know, he almost fell at my feet, so to speak.”
’What?’
‘Well, I had just realised that I was gay and it was all a bit too much for me and so I fainted.‘
’And I put him back on his feet.‘
’How romantic,‘ said Michael, who had meanwhile joined them.
’My darling,’ he began, caressing Simon's hand tenderly, ’I already knew him from the youth group. But actually there was nothing going on between us until one day I almost ran him over with my bike in front of the post office. At first he swore and grumbled – you're so cute when you're angry – and then when we were sitting together collecting letters, it happened between us.‘
’Since then, we have also been organising the youth group together,’ Simon added.
After drinking coffee and exchanging lots of gossip, the suggestion was made to take a walk around the city. The suggestion was met with general enthusiasm and soon the group was strolling along the main street. Simon and Michael walked hand in hand and after a while Nathan also took Manuel's hand. He still felt a little insecure about just walking hand in hand in public, but he just wanted to let the world know that he loved Manuel.
‘Tell me,’ he whispered in Manuel's ear, ‘who's the one with the grudge against you now?’
"He's not here today.’
‘I see.‘
’Can I join in?‘ Richie asked from behind.
’Oh, it's nothing important.‘
’You're not talking shit about me!‘
’Oh, we wouldn't dare to do that.‘
’Oh my God, see those hunks over there? How can anyone look so good?’
‘You mean that one over there? Well, he's not that great either. I'd rather stay with my sweetheart here.‘
’Well, I hope so,‘ Nathan replied.
’And besides, he has a bad taste in women. Just look at that chick over there. Cheap and wearing too much make-up. He could have got that from me too.’
‘Oh, leave her alone, Richie. Without heterosexuals, there wouldn't be any handsome men left for us.‘
’Okay, you're right, you're right."
*** Yes, yes, as Boy George said: “Always be nice to heterosexuals, it takes two of them to make one of us.” ***
Finally, they decided to visit one of the gay bars after their stroll. At first, Nathan had some reservations, but Manuel assured him that no one would eat him alive there either.
‘At least not while I'm around,’ he added with a grin. Nathan wasn't entirely comfortable as they descended the steps to the basement bar, where one of the current slurs was already hammering at them.
The place wasn't particularly busy yet. A few guys were hanging around the bar, bored, while others were sprawled on the sofas grouped around a few tables.
*** But let's not forget the single (and strange) guy on the small dance floor, who probably hasn't danced in so long that all his bones are rusty. Well, maybe it was fashionable to dance like that back in the day when the song was written. ***
After the group had spread out over one of the sofa groups and a waiter had taken their orders, Tim said that he actually felt like dancing. The others wanted to wait for their drinks and just watch for now.
‘Say, do all the waiters in gay bars look as bad as that one?’ Nathan asked.
‘No, there are also really cute guys. But you're right, this one looks awful. I wonder how many polyester snakes had to die for this outfit?‘ Manuel mused.
’Probably not as many as spray cans for the ‘Granny's wet mop’ hairdo,’ Richie added.
When the waiter returned, Nathan had serious trouble keeping a straight face.
‘Come on, let's go dancing,‘ Manuel suggested.
’Well, I don't know about that. I've never really danced in public,‘ Nathan replied.
’Well then it's about time!"
He spoke and pulled Nathan with him onto the dance floor.
*** It was a bit mean to throw him in at the deep end like that, but after a few hesitant movements, he found his rhythm and ended up dancing as if he had never done anything else before. ***
‘Hey, you're a really great dancer,’ Manuel said.
"You're not bad yourself. Come on, let's give the guys something to look at.’
Before Manuel could protest, Nathan pulled him over and they danced with their hips pressed together, before Nathan snuggled up against him.
‘Just don't make it too hot, or our audience's trousers will burst. And mine too, by the way.’
‘All right,’ Nathan chuckled, playfully pushing Manuel away.
*** The rest of the evening was more or less the same, which is why we want to fast-forward a little here. In the meantime, the semester break has begun and Robert is waiting for Steffi at the train station. Don't be surprised – we'll accompany Robert for a while. ***
Part
5
–
The
Day
Before
You
Came
Of course, just as he was waiting on the platform for his girlfriend to arrive, a freezing snowstorm hit.
Finally, the train announcement was made. By now he was thoroughly frozen through. The train screeched to a halt and a few doors opened to release a few travellers into the cold reality.
No matter how hard Robert tried, he couldn't see Steffi among the flakes. He could already feel disappointment rising inside him when another door opened at the end of the train and a girl with long blonde hair got off. Robert immediately rushed over to her and they fell into each other's arms.
"I'm so glad you're here.’
‘I'm glad too that I was allowed to come. But now let's get out of here, otherwise the devil will get us here."

On the way to Robert's house, they had a lively conversation. He was a little nervous, but he was head over heels in love. He had completely forgotten how great Steffi had looked.
After they had finally arrived and the obligatory parental welcome was over, Steffi decided to take a bath while Robert helped his mother prepare a snack for dinner.
When the meal – cold dishes – was prepared, Robert wanted to go up to his room right away to turn down the heating, because he knew that Steffi didn't like sleeping in overheated rooms.
Lost in thought, he opened the door and stood face to face with Steffi, who was just fastening her bra. She looked at him in shock at first, but then smiled seductively at him, making Robert blush.
*** Isn't that sweet? First he bursts in just like that, then he looks amazed and then he practices for the ‘Who Wants to Be More Beautiful Tomato Red’ contest. ***
‘Oops, sorry. I just wanted to turn down the heating because you prefer to sleep cool. I'll be off. Just come into the kitchen when you're ready.‘
’Oh, that's why I'm so hot. Oh, come here and help me with the clasp. I just can't get it to close.’
Robert helped her as instructed, but somehow he didn't feel particularly comfortable in his skin. Steffi smelled pleasantly of bubble bath, almost too good, he thought.
‘There you go,’ he said with a slight undertone of relief in his voice.
"Then I'll quickly put something on and then let's go to dinner. I'm starving.’
*** Because dinner was actually quite unspectacular, let's move on a little. In the meantime, everyone involved has prepared for the night. Robert is lying on the floor in his sleeping bag and Steffi is in his bed. ***
‘Are you still awake?’
‘Hm?’
"Tell me, isn't it terribly uncomfortable for you down there?’
‘It's okay, why?‘
’I just thought that the two of us could fit up here, too.‘
’You mean?‘
’Yes..."
Slowly and carefully, Robert climbed up to Steffi on the bed, but remained on the blanket.
‘Come here, then,’ Steffi said with a cooing undertone and took his hand. Before he knew it, she guided his hand under the old T-shirt she was wearing for the night and placed it on her chest. As soon as Robert had recovered from his “shock”, he felt Steffi's fingers on his boxer shorts and slowly slid her hand inside.
While she caressed his best piece, she pulled him close and began to kiss him passionately. After a short time, Robert began to return the play of her tongue and his tension began to ease.
After they had kissed each other fiercely for a while, Steffi nibbled on his ear with relish.
‘I want you,‘ she breathed.
’Right now?‘ asked Robert, struggling with his insecurity.
’Yes, right now."
*** Well. The woman seems to know exactly what she wants. ***
No sooner had she said it than she was already unpacking a condom and putting it on Robert. Then she slowly lowered her loins onto Robert, who was lying stretched out on the bed, and began to move slowly and rhythmically.
She had hardly picked up speed with her movements when Robert grabbed a pillow at the last moment and held it to his face so that not everyone in the house would hear his orgasm.
*** Hm, the typical Saturday night 6:30 p.m. bedtime number. They arrived twice, moaned once, and were done. They're not even married. ***
‘Um, sorry, I was probably pretty pressed for time,’ Robert apologised, but Steffi pushed his hand away.
"Never mind, I'm not in the mood anymore. I think I'll go to sleep now. Good night.’
‘Good night.’ She signalled to Robert only too clearly that he should sleep downstairs and not with her.
The next morning, Robert was already awake for a while before Steffi. He watched her chest rise and fall evenly. The blonde hair framed her face. Robert thought she looked like an angel.
As he recalled the previous evening, he began to think about how he could make up for his mistake – as Steffi had made him feel very clearly. Finally, he decided to sneak out of the room and make breakfast. His parents had gone away for a few days, so they were all alone.
Steffi came in just as the coffee was dripping into the pot and everything was ready.
‘Oh, you've already made breakfast,’ she said in a sleepy voice.
Robert thought she looked even better than usual with her hair tousled from the night.
"Yes, I hope everything you like is there.’
‘I think so. Can I have a coffee, please, right away? That's what I need first thing in the morning. Nothing else works.‘
’You look good.‘
’What?‘ Steffi looked at him with a mixture of astonishment and amusement.
’I mean, with your tousled hair and all,’ Robert hemmed and hawed.
As they sat across from each other at the breakfast table, Robert felt a foot that first groped along his thigh and then rubbed his best piece quite openly.
*** Well, the woman seems to need it really badly. ***
After almost choking on his coffee, he began to explore with his foot.
Five minutes later, the matter was settled again. Steffi sat on Robert's desk, wrapped in a blanket, blowing puffs of smoke out the window while Robert pondered why it had gone wrong this time.
*** The familiar problem: once too firmly grasped and the matter was settled. ***
In the afternoon, they met with Nathan and Manuel.
‘Steffi, this is Nathan, my best friend, and this is Manuel, his boyfriend.‘ “Nathan, Manuel, this is Steffi.”
’Hello Steffi, nice to meet you,‘ Manuel said, shaking her hand.
’Hello Steffi,’ Nathan followed suit. Steffi looked first at Nathan, then at Manuel, and then back at Nathan.
‘You're...‘ she faltered a little, as if she had to think about what label seemed most appropriate, “...so you're gay.”
’We'd prefer ‘fagot’,’ Manuel replied, ’So, what's your problem?’
‘No, no,’ Steffi said, having regained her composure, ’You just don't look like you need something like that. You could have any woman you want.’
With the last words, she looked him deep in the eye and had changed the tone of voice so much that the alarm bells rang for Nathan and Robert. Both sensed danger that their skins could swim away.
‘But I don't want a woman and I'm completely satisfied with my boyfriend.’
"Have you ever tried it?’
‘I haven't, and to be honest, I don't feel any particular desire to.‘
Steffi didn't flinch. “Are we going shopping now or are we going to stand here all day?” she said, pulling Robert towards the main street. Nathan and Manuel followed them.
’I don't think Steffi is right for Robert,’ Nathan said to Manuel.
‘Oh, you know how love goes."
Later that afternoon, the inevitable visit to a well-known clothing store followed. Robert and Nathan didn't find anything they liked enough to buy right then. Manuel disappeared into a changing room with a tight T-shirt.
‘So, do I like it? What do you think?‘ he asked, pulling back the curtain with a jerk. The T-shirt really did emphasise his assets.
’Yes, it looks fabulous on you. It's to die for,’ Nathan enthused.
‘Wait a minute,’ Steffi said, smoothing the T-shirt at the back, not without stroking his backside, “That's better.”
Robert's mood was approaching rock bottom, but he didn't want to show it and secretly hoped that Steffi just wanted to test whether he would get jealous.
After the boys had looked and tried on a lot of clothes, they went on to the women's section. Steffi enjoyed the attention she received.
‘Aren't they a bit short after all?’ Robert said when she tried on a pair of rather skimpy hot pants.
‘Well, I think they look good,’ Manuel piped up.
‘At least someone's on my side,’ cooed Steffi and bent forward so that the boys could see for themselves that there really wasn't an inch of material too much.
After the hot pants had been paid for, Manuel suggested that they could just go to his house and watch a video, since his parents were staying with some relatives that day.
*** Since the weather had taken a turn for the worse again, everyone was keen on the idea and a little later they were all sitting in front of the telly. ***
The video evening went without any major incidents. Nathan had snuggled up to Manuel and Steffi also let Robert get close to her, although it seemed more a pity than genuine affection.
As the evening drew to a close and the signs pointed to departure, Nathan also got ready. Actually, he had wanted to sleep with Manuel, but his parents thought that he should also sleep at home from time to time so that he wouldn't get on the Wallners' nerves. And since he hadn't yet explained to them why that wouldn't happen anytime soon, he had to face the cold reality whether he liked it or not.
Shortly afterwards, he was already on his way to the bus stop with Steffi and Robert. When they arrived at the stop, Steffi realised that she had left her purse at Manuel's.
‘I'll just go and get it,’ she said quickly, turning around. ‘Just wait here, I'll be right back.’
When she had turned the corner, Robert said, ‘Well, what do you think of her?’
‘Honestly?’
‘Honestly.’
"She's not right for you. The way she flirts with other guys in front of you. You deserve better.’
After they had waited for Steffi for a while, Nathan said he would go and see where she was. Robert said she would be along in a minute and wanted to wait, but Nathan stomped off through the now ankle-deep snow.
*** Oh well, this is getting really exciting now. Where is Steffi and why is she taking so long? I wonder what happened there? ***
When Nathan arrived at Manuel's house, he saw that he had probably missed Steffi because there was no light on in the house. Manuel must have gone to bed already. It would surprise him all the more when he used the spare key – the famous key under flower pot number – to unlock the door and sneak in.
He quietly unlocked the door and slipped into the house. The door to Manuel's room was open a crack and he saw the reassuring glow of the lava lamp.
But something irritated him. After a moment, he realised what it was. It was a groan, or rather groans from two throats. Too loud and too lustful to mean pain.
Carefully, he crept to the door behind which he suspected the moaning, and what he saw took his breath away.
Part
6
-
It
Will
Take
A
Long
Long
Time
Manuel was lying stretched out on the floor, his trousers pulled down to his ankles. Steffi was sitting naked on him, moving her hips rhythmically and alternately throwing back her blonde mane or kissing Manuel.
Nathan felt nausea rising up in him and for a brief moment he considered ending the scene. But he decided against it and crept out of the house as quietly as he had come in.
When he arrived at the door, he paused for a moment. A stiff breeze had now sprung up, driving the snowflakes past him almost horizontally. Then he ran to the bus stop. The wind brought tears to his eyes and almost obscured his vision, but he didn't care about that either.
*** The poor thing. It was obvious that Robert wouldn't be happy with Steffi. But that Manuel would betray Nathan, too... ***
Robert was still waiting at the bus stop when he saw Nathan coming around the corner. Completely out of breath and with a tear-stained face, he stopped in front of Robert.
‘What's the matter?’ Robert asked anxiously.
‘I saw her,‘ Nathan gasped, his voice choked with tears, “Steffi has...”
Then all the dams broke and Nathan could only cry.
Robert couldn't make sense of the scraps of words, but he put his arms around Nathan and tried to comfort him.
’Hey, what's going on? Nothing is so bad that the two of us can't handle it.’
Nathan regained his composure a little, but when he wanted to tell Robert what he had seen, his composure was gone again.
After they had stood there like that for about a quarter of an hour, Nathan regained his composure.
‘I saw,’ he managed to say between sobs, ‘Steffi doing it with Manuel.’
Robert turned pale. He had noticed that Steffi was very interested in Manuel, but he had assumed that Manuel was not interested in her.
‘Do you understand that the damned bitch has taken my boyfriend away from me!’
‘Come on, let's go to my place first. We'll just catch a cold here.’
"You, you don't want to wait for her at all?’
‘Why? She'll find me. Or else she'll know where she can stay. And besides, I don't care. She took my best friend's boyfriend away. I'm done with her."
*** That's what I call true friendship. But he didn't lose much of her anyway. ***
When they arrived at Robert's, he sent Nathan to take a hot shower.
‘You know where everything is.‘
’Ah, you're already here,‘ came the reply from the kitchen. “But dinner isn't ready yet.”
’Oh, it's okay, Mum, but we don't feel like eating anyway.‘
At this reply, Mrs Falkner looked up at her son.
’Say, you're all pale, has something happened?’
‘You could say that. But I can't explain it to you easily right now. Nathan is in the shower and it's all pretty confusing. Just make us a hot chocolate, please. I'll explain it to you later."
From the look on her son's face, Mrs Falkner could see that it was better to take it all in stride for now.
After his mother had disappeared into the kitchen, Robert called the Ziegler's.
‘Hello Robert, what's up?’ Frau Ziegler greeted him.
‘I just wanted to let you know that Nathan is sleeping at my place tonight. We had a wild snowball fight and now his clothes are all wet. And because he's so likely to catch a cold, he's hanging his clothes up to dry and taking a hot shower.‘
’Well, I'm not thrilled, but better that than him getting sick. But tell him to come straight home first thing tomorrow morning.’
‘Yes, I will. Good night then, Mrs Ziegler."
When he had put down the receiver, Robert was relieved that Mrs Ziegler had accepted the white lie about the snowball fight.
But since Nathan hadn't come out at home yet, he wanted to spare him that today. At least tonight Nathan should have someone to talk to. And it would do him good too.
When Nathan came out of the bathroom, he took him to his room with a mug of hot chocolate and quickly disappeared under the shower, because he slowly began to notice that he was also quite frozen.
When he came back into the room, Nathan was sitting at the window, wrapped in Robert's blanket, staring out into the night.
‘Hey.‘
Only now did he register Robert and turned a little towards him.
’It could have been so beautiful. You with Steffi and me with Manuel. But I keep asking myself why. Why did he sleep with her? Wasn't I enough for him?"
Nathan was close to tears again.
‘Unfortunately, I can't tell you. Will you give him a second chance?‘
’I don't know,‘ sobbed Nathan, “I still love him. But I can't compete against a woman. I can't offer him what she can give him.”
’Maybe he just wanted to try what it's like with a woman.’
‘And if he liked it? I don't want to constantly worry that he'll leave me for a woman. Or that he'll screw around with the next person he comes across."
The last words had turned into sobs, and when Robert took him in his arms, Nathan almost cried his eyes out again.
‘Hey, we'll manage this together. You'll see. Everything will be fine again."
After they had stood there like this for a while, Robert left to change the bed sheets.
*** Because in the end it was a bit too narrow for two people in the sleeping bag and letting Nathan sleep in Steffis bedclothes wouldn't have been a good idea either. ***
A little later, Nathan was lying in Robert's bed and Robert was on the floor in the sleeping bag.
‘Well, good night.’
‘Good night. And thank you for doing this for me.’
‘Hey, I can't let my best friend down.’
Nathan listened to Robert's breaths, which cut through the silence evenly.
"Are you still awake?’
‘Yes, what is it?‘
’Hm, I know it may sound stupid and you don't have to do it if you don't want to.‘
’What?‘
’Will you come up to bed with me?‘
’Hm, okay, but only if you promise to behave.‘
’Okay, thanks.’
Robert climbed out of his sleeping bag and lay down in Nathan's bed.
‘Move over a bit so I can get the other cheek in too!’
*** So Robert is a true friend. For many, that would have been the end. ***
When Nathan woke up the next morning, his left arm felt numb. Assuming that he had slept with Manuel, he wrapped his arms around the second person in bed and snuggled up close.
But slowly he became aware of the events of the last night again and also the scent of the person lying next to him did not belong to Manuel. Next to him was Robert. Carefully, so as not to wake him, he pulled his arm back again and at the same time felt the blush rise to his face as he realised that he had just pressed a proud morning latte against Robert. Carefully, he slipped out from under Robert and out of bed. Quietly, he slipped into his jeans, as he didn't necessarily want to present his underwear to Ms Falkner.
In the hallway, he promptly ran into her.
‘Good morning, Nathan. Did you sleep well?‘
’Thanks, I'm fine.‘
’Is Robert up yet?‘
’No, he's still fast asleep.‘
’Too bad, but oh well. I have to go. See you.‘
’Yes. Goodbye.’
Mrs Falkner buttoned up her coat, took her handbag and keys, and was gone in a flash. Nathan went into the bathroom to finally get rid of his problem and was very relieved that Mrs Falkner had either not noticed anything or had been tactful enough not to.
When he came back into the room, Robert greeted him with a broad grin.
‘Tell me, do you always snuggle up against everything in bed?‘
’No, just guys like you. I thought you were still asleep.‘
’I was. But when someone pokes me in the groin so insistently,’ he replied with a broad grin on his face.
‘Oops, sorry, it wasn't what you think. I didn't want to hit on you. Really I didn't. But half asleep I must have confused you with Manuel,‘ Nathan blushed bright red.
’It's okay. You were very careful too. And we all have morning problems, don't we?’
‘Yes, but I would have believed you even without proof,‘ Nathan grinned, pointing to the bulge in the duvet.
Now Robert was blushing, but Nathan reassured him.
’Just go into the bathroom. Don't worry, I won't see anything. I've seen more stiff cocks than you.’
‘Well then, I hope I get a good place in the ranking and go into the bathroom,’ Robert grinned and peeled himself out of bed.
*** Ok, enough of the morning silliness. Let's move on to breakfast, where the two discuss last night and further plans. ***
At breakfast, Nathan's good mood had disappeared again.
‘I can understand that you're angry, but you should do something,‘ Robert said.
’I'll pay him a visit this afternoon. And then we'll see what Mr ‘I'll-fuck-anything-that-doesn't-run-away’ has to say.‘
’I think you should give him another chance. Everyone makes a mistake.’
‘I would give him another chance, but who knows if he wouldn't just cheat on me again and again. Because I'm stupid enough to forgive him anyway,’ Nathan sobbed, ’I just don't want him to hurt me like that again.’
‘I can understand that, but I can't give you that certainty. If anyone can, it's Manuel. By the way, your mother said yesterday that you should come home right after breakfast. And officially, you were all wet yesterday after a snowball fight.‘
’Thank you. What would I do without you?‘
’Stray helplessly through the world to find myself!’ laughed Robert.
*** Finally, the toast was eaten and the tea was drunk. Nathan is almost home and is thinking about how best to confront Manuel and whether he should give him another chance. When he arrives home, he decides to decide in the situation and rely on his gut feeling. And just like that, the front door opens... ***
Part
7
-
Twist
The
Knife
‘Hello, I'm home again.‘ Nathan tried to sound cheerful.
’Oh, our son is back again,‘ he heard his father say from the living room.
’I'm sorry, but it would have been too late yesterday,’ Nathan half-heartedly apologised and wanted to go to his room.
‘Oh, it would have been too late,‘ his father mimicked him, “I suppose you couldn't think of a better excuse. When will you finally learn to take responsibility? You should be home in the evening, but you'd rather hang around!”
’That's not true, I was at Robert's!’
‘You didn't have the chance to call them. You just used Robert as an excuse so we couldn't say anything. You think you're pretty clever, don't you?"
Nathan's mother had also come into the living room by now, where Nathan was standing at the door looking like a picture of misery. A burgeoning rage fought within him against his parents and against knowing the consequences of an outburst of rage.
*** The poor thing! Yesterday his friend cheated on him and now his parents are annoying him, too. ***
‘What's been going on with you lately?’ his mother now also chimed in, ‘You used to hardly ever stay out all night, and now you just go out and who knows what!’
‘Oh, what do you know!‘ Nathan shouted, “You don't understand anything anyway!”
’Oh, what, WE don't understand?‘ Nathan's father jumped up, his face bright red, “Maybe the gentleman would have the time to share his great knowledge with us!”
’As if you would be interested in that."
The next moment, Nathan had already been slapped in the face.
‘Get to your room and don't come out until tomorrow! I've had enough of you!"
But Nathan turned around, took his jacket and ran out of the house.
After walking a bit, he stopped, out of breath, and leaned against a lamppost. Should he go back to Robert and grovel, or go home remorsefully, or go to Manuel and tell him what he thought of him?
After quickly discarding the idea of remorse and thinking about the others for a moment, he decided on confrontation.
He wanted a decision and he wanted it now. So he went straight to Manuel.
*** Well, the way the little one is loaded at the moment, the sparks will fly. But let's see. ***
When he arrived at Manuel's house, Nathan had to control himself not to ring the doorbell. Ms Wallner opened the door for him.
"Oh hello Nathan, nice to see you. Come in.’
‘Hello Franziska, is Manuel in?‘
’Yes, he's in his room at the back. You can find it.‘
Nathan quickly took off his jacket and shoes and went to Manuel's room.
After a short knock, he went in without waiting for an answer. Manuel was alone and sitting at his desk.
’Hello my darling, nice to see you.’
‘Just wait and see if you still think it's so great,‘ Nathan hissed. “Don't you have something to tell me?”
’No, what?‘ Manuel played the ignorant card, but his fading complexion and restless gaze gave him away.
’How about the fact that you were fucking around with Steffi yesterday?’
‘Shit, how did you know?‘
’Yes, shit! I agree with you there. How could you do that to me? I wondered where she was and went back to check on her. When I saw that the lights were out at your place, I thought I'd surprise you and let myself in. That's when I saw you.‘
’It was just a one-time thing.’
‘Oh, but you slipped pretty hard if you lost your clothes in the process.‘
’Steffi came back for her purse, and I went to the bathroom for a minute. When I came back to the room, she was standing there naked and started kissing me...’
‘And you, poor defenceless man, couldn't stop her and of course you only let yourself be raped after putting up fierce resistance.‘
’Well, I was kind of curious about what it's like with a woman, and she was convenient.’
‘And so you thought to yourself, I may have a boyfriend, but what the hell, he's already gone, I might as well screw this slut. He's stupid enough, he won't notice.‘
’No, I didn't want to hurt you, I...’
‘But you did! So, what's going to happen now? Are you going to cheat on me regularly? Or are you going to switch to women completely?‘
’No! I love you. I'm so sorry. You have to believe me. It was good, but not as good as with you.’
‘Oh, it was good. That's good for you. But I don't intend to think about who you're doing it with behind my back every time I leave you alone. Find yourself another idiot!‘
Nathan was about to leave.
’Please! Don't go!’ Manuel was close to tears. ’I don't want to lose you.’
‘You've already lost me. I'm sorry, but I just can't deal with you sleeping with her. I don't know if I could handle a man, but at least I could try to outdo him. But I just can't compete against a woman. I'm sorry."
*** And with that, he left. It's a shame it has to end like this when it started out so beautifully. ***
Nathan walked aimlessly through the streets. Did the whole world conspire against him? His friend cheats on him and now, of all times, his parents ask stupid questions.
The cold air slowly cleared his senses and the increasing snow made him realise that he had to go somewhere. But where? Manuel was history and he didn't want to see his parents now either. So he made his way back to Robert's.
‘Good morning, Ms Falkner!‘
’Hello, Nathan. You're probably looking for Robert. Just go in,‘ said Ms Falkner without a sign of surprise.
’Why can't I have uncomplicated parents?’ Nathan asked himself and went to Robert's room. He knocked and hoped that Steffi wasn't there.
‘Come in. Oh, it's you. What brings you back here?‘
Steffi wasn't there, but there was no sign in the room that she had ever been there either.
’Um, where is Steffi?‘
’I put her on the next train home. After she showed her true colours more than clearly...’
‘Oh, I see. Why I'm here again? Well, when I came home, my father immediately made a big deal out of the fact that I didn't come home yesterday. So I shouted at them that they didn't understand anything anyway and ran away. I just didn't want to tell them what had happened. It was just too soon. And then I went to Manuel's.‘
’And?’
‘He played innocent, as if nothing had happened. And when I told him that I had seen him, he said that he didn't want to lose me. But I broke up with him. I don't want to always wonder if he's being faithful to me. And I don't want to share him.’
Nathan's words ended in sobs.
‘Hey, it's going to be okay,’ Robert whispered, hugging him.
‘Your parents will understand why you didn't want to talk. And you'll find someone who loves you and is faithful to you. I'm sure of it!’
Nathan's sobs slowly became quieter. Robert gently stroked his back.
‘I'm quite sure that you'll find someone. Quite sure,‘ he whispered.
’Hey, thanks.‘
Nathan hugged Robert again and then sat down at the desk.
’I'll see if you can stay for dinner with us today,’ said Robert and disappeared from the room.
*** Well, he can really kiss his friend's ass with all tens. But will his parents be so thrilled if he doesn't get in touch soon? ***
‘Ok, that's not a problem. You can eat with us.’
‘Thanks.’
‘And what are you going to tell your parents?’
"I don't know. Do you think I should tell them?’
‘I don't know! But always lying? What do you think they feel about it?‘
’I don't know. Actually, it was never talked about.‘
’Oh, it'll be fine. I'm sure of it.‘
’Dinner's ready,’ Frau Falkner called from the kitchen.
A little later, the three Falkners and Nathan were sitting around the kitchen table eating.
‘Tell me, Nathan, it's none of my business, but is something going on? You seem a bit pale.’
‘Well, yes. It's nothing. Really.’
‘I'm sorry if I was too intrusive.’
"No, no. It's fine.’
The rest of the meal was rather quiet, and after thanking Frau Falkner again for the meal, Nathan set off for home.
‘Take care and call me to see how it went,’ Robert said in farewell, patting Nathan on the shoulder.
‘Okay, I will. And thanks again for the first aid.’
"Sure.’
*** So, enough of the nice words and goodbyes. You still have work to do, boy! It won't be easy, but you'll see it's worth it. ***
On the way home, Nathan thought about how best to say it, but somehow he couldn't think of a satisfactory solution. Besides, he was pretty sure that his parents were already angry because he had run away.
Why was everything so complicated? He wished things could go back to the way they were before, before he realised he needed the love of a boy. That he would be different from what his parents expected. No grandchildren. The dream of a sweet daughter-in-law was over.
There he was, standing on the doorstep. ‘It's now or never,’ he thought to himself and went in.
Part
8
-
Chances
‘Hello!’ Nathan tried to sound confident.
‘Hello, sir,’ came from the living room, ‘What's your excuse this time?’
‘I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have just run away, but it's all become too much for me,’ said Nathan as he walked into the living room.
His mother was ironing and watching TV with Nathan's father. Mr Ziegler turned off the television.
‘What was too much for you?‘ Nathan's mother wanted to know.
’Well, yesterday my first relationship broke up and I stayed at Robert's because I was totally distraught. And then today the accusations and the slap...‘
’Hm, we couldn't have known that. But why didn't you introduce us to your girlfriend? What's her name?’
‘Manuel.‘
’What?‘ Mrs Ziegler left the iron on the white shirt.
’Manuel.‘
’Karoline, the boy is...‘
’Yes, I heard that too.‘
’But we have to do something about it,’ said Mr Ziegler, with a strange excitement in his voice.
‘Yes, we do. And we have to be just as good parents to him as we have been. He is our son. That's what matters,’ Nathan's mother replied with an unyielding tone.
Then she turned back to Nathan: ‘You have to understand that this is a bit of a surprise for us and we will need a little time to get used to it, but you are and will always be our son. We stand by you.’
‘Thank you,’ Nathan said and returned his mother's brief embrace.
‘But don't let me get into the habit of these nocturnal excursions,’ Nathan's father interjected from the side.
*** Strange family somehow. Normally, the mother would have wanted to know everything about the broken relationship and comforted the offspring. But there was no sign of that here. That settled the matter and it was off the table. Really strange. ***
Nathan quickly called Robert and told him the outcome of the conversation, then went to his room. A little later, he was lying on his bed and, although it wasn't even that late, he fell asleep.
‘Nathan, we're going to visit some friends,’ Frau Ziegler called upstairs. Nathan stretched.
‘Yes,’ he called, still half-asleep. What time was it anyway? The fact that it was dark outside again was of little help. The radio alarm clock said 7 p.m. Nathan wondered what he could do. On the one hand, he was still – or already – tired and didn't feel like doing anything in particular, but he didn't feel like sleeping either.
He decided to go to the bathroom first and brush his teeth because the nasty taste of sleep bothered him.
While brushing his teeth, the friction against the washbasin also made another part of his body want to be noticed. Nathan gently began to push his foreskin back and forth, but after just a few movements he had lost the desire and stopped. It couldn't be as nice as it had been with Manuel anyway, so why bother.
He went back to his room and stripped naked. Then he looked at himself in the mirror. ‘Actually not so bad,’ he decided. OK, he could have done with a bit more muscle here and a bit less pallor there, but otherwise he could be quite satisfied.
But something must have been too little for Manuel. It didn't make sense to him. With a woman. And on top of that with that slut Steffi. ‘But maybe that's what he needs,’ he thought to himself. He quickly scurried down to his parents' bathroom, but then went back. Who knows when they'll be back, and he didn't want to face them naked.
In his parents' bathroom, he began to go through his mother's cosmetics cabinet. He carefully placed the instruments that seemed useful to him on the shelf under the mirror. Mascara, lipstick, eye shadow, rouge and powder.
*** Oh, he's going to put on make-up now? ***
‘Well, the mascara goes on last, and the lipstick too. But what about the rest?’ Nathan was annoyed that he had never paid more attention to his mother's make-up exercises. He decided to start with the eye shadow first.
After a few initial difficulties, he was even able to use the small brush reasonably well and in no time at all, his eyes were framed by a wide blue eye shadow. The eyeliner with the kohl turned out to be an insurmountable hurdle. The result was neither as thin nor as straight as a line.
But Nathan was not impressed and applied a generous amount of mascara, batting his eyelashes tentatively with his unusually full lashes. Half of the mascara was promptly spread over the surrounding skin. After he had applied a generous amount of rouge and lipstick, he put the things back in the cupboard and went back upstairs. ‘So this is what you want,’ he hissed into the mirror, “I'm Steffi and I sleep with everyone who crosses my path. Shall we?” Tears rolled down his cheeks, leaving black tracks.
Nathan couldn't help smiling at his reflection. If he really wanted to put on make-up seriously, he would probably need a little practice first.
*** The remaining few days of the holidays were largely uneventful. Nathan spent a lot of time with Robert, the Ziegler family kept quiet about ‘the’ topic and the weather remained cold and forbidding. So now on to the first day of school after the holidays. It's seven o'clock and Nathan is just entering the school building. ***
"Good morning Nathan, how are you?’
‘Um, good, and you?‘
’Oh, thanks, did you have a good holiday?‘
’Yeah, the usual,‘ Nathan replied.
Why was Sandra suddenly so interested in him? Did she know something?
’Well, I have to go. I'll see you in chemistry later. See you.’
‘Yeah, see you,‘ Nathan mumbled, watching her disappear in the direction of the classroom.
’Well, what did she want from you?‘ Nathan was startled and turned around. It was Robert.
’No idea. Either she's messing with me or she's charming me. Either way, it's bad for me. Why do people always take an interest in you when you least need it?’
‘Well. And what are you going to do about it, you heartbreaker?’ Robert said, which earned him a well-meaning nudge and an annoyed look from Nathan.
During chemistry class, Nathan's fears were confirmed. As the teacher enthusiastically filled the blackboard with formulas and mnemonics, a paper ball hit Nathan, which turned out to be a letter.
Hello Nathan! Do you want to meet up sometime? Sandy
‘Shit, what do I do now?’ Nathan whispered.
‘I don't know,‘ Robert said.
’Why don't you just tell her the truth and hope she understands?‘
’Is that the best you can come up with?‘
’Not really.’ Nathan sighed. He turned around briefly and smiled – admittedly a little painfully – at Sandra, who beamed at him joyfully.
*** Well, let's see how he gets out of this one. But at least he seems to be trying not to hurt her. Hopefully she'll understand him then. ***
After the two chemistry lessons, Sandra came to Nathan.
‘So?’
‘So what?’
"Well, shall we meet?’
‘Hm, well. Sure, we can, but there's something you should know first,‘ Nathan hemmed and hawed.
’What?‘ Sandra asked innocently.
’It's just that I...’
‘Ah, good, that I meet you!‘
It was Manuel.
Nathan's face darkened. “What's up?”
’I need to talk to you.‘
’Now all of a sudden? Forget it.‘
’Yes, please.‘
’No. There's nothing more to talk about. Full stop, end of story. Now excuse me, I have to go to my class.’
Nathan turned around and left. Sandra stood next to Manuel, her mouth half open, not understanding a thing, while he looked more like a beaten dog.
Meanwhile, Robert had also come out of the chemistry lab and observed the scene.
‘Hey, Manuel.’
Manuel looked up in astonishment. He hadn't even noticed Robert.
"Yeah?’
‘I don't know if I should tell you this, but I think it's better if you leave him alone for now. He's been hit hard and it will probably take him some time to get over it.‘
’Well, thanks. I guess I brought it on myself. But please tell him I'm really sorry.‘
’Okay, I will. But I have to go now, too. See you.’
‘Could you maybe explain to me what's going on here?‘ Sandra spoke up.
’What should be going on?‘
’Well, don't pretend. Nathan talks to strangers and then rushes off, then you talk to the guy. You're hiding something here. I'm not stupid.’
‘Well, I don't think I'm authorised to give out much information here,’ Robert said, leaving Sandra standing.
*** Well, if that doesn't pay back, letting the good lady just drip off like that. I'd be pretty angry. ***
‘So I advise you to tell her what's going on as soon as possible, otherwise you'll soon have another problem on your hands. I've let her down for now, but I don't think she'll let it go.‘
’Then I have no choice,’ Nathan sighed, hoping that Sandra would not react too negatively.
He would have to postpone any further worries until later, because Mr Kettenbauer had already entered the classroom and had started his maths lesson as usual as soon as the bell rang.
After fifty minutes of algebra, the lesson was over. Nathan had meanwhile thought about the best way to tell Sandra.
‘Do you know the little café around the corner by the cinema?’
"Yes, why?’
‘Let's meet there today at four. But please come alone.‘
’Okay, at four then."
*** That's good, let's see how it goes. Of course, Nathan is quite nervous, but luckily for him, he escapes embarrassing questions in the remaining lessons. After the usual stuff – going home and eating for all the nosy parkers – we'll get straight to the meeting in the café. ***
‘So, a camomile tea and a fruit tea for the young lady.‘
’Thanks. Honestly, I've never seen anyone voluntarily drink camomile tea,‘ Sandra wondered.
’Well, I once heard that it's supposed to be calming and very healthy,’ Nathan said nervously, ’And besides, they certainly don't have valerian tea here.’
‘Now you're exaggerating,’ Sandra giggled, “Do I make you that nervous?”
*** Oh, now she's putting her hand on his too. Let's see, does he collapse first and then tell her what's going on, or does he tell her first and then collapse? ***
‘There's something you should know,‘ Nathan said slowly, pulling back his hand, “I'm not into women.”
’You mean you're gay?‘
’Yes. I hope you're not angry about it or anything. I think you're kind of nice, but that's about it. Are you going to tell the others?’
‘Hehe, calm down first. I'm not angry with you or anything. Sure, I think it's a shame that I don't have a chance to interest this handsome guy in me, but so what. But don't you dare steal a boyfriend from me."
Nathan had to laugh, ’Don't worry, if he's interested in me, then he probably isn't the right guy for you.’
‘Point taken. Oh yes, tomorrow you'll be standing at the bulletin board.‘
Nathan turned pale.
’Hey, I was only joking, don't get so worked up. It's your business who you tell what. But now enlighten me, who was the desperate guy this morning? I guess he's also lost to the world of women.’
‘Hm, if only I knew. We were a couple, but a few days ago he made out with a woman behind my back. And that's why we broke up.‘
’Silly thing, huh?‘
’Yeah, one minute you think you have all the luck on earth and the next minute everything is in shambles.’
‘Don't be so pessimistic. There will definitely be better times again. Who knows what it was good for. You know, no harm, no foul, or something."
Nathan couldn't help grinning: ’You sound just like your own grandmother. Jo mei domois in da guaten oiden time *coughcough*...’
‘I try to build you up a little and what thanks do I get?‘ Sandra played offended.
’Ok, ok, I'll invite you for tea. Otherwise you'll give me a lecture about chivalry in the good old days,’ Nathan grinned.
After Nathan had paid, they left. They walked together for a bit, then they went their separate ways.
‘Ok, then take care. See you tomorrow.‘
’Ok, see you tomorrow. And Sandra...‘
’Yes?‘
Nathan kissed her on the cheek.
’Thanks.‘
’You're welcome.’
When he arrived home, Nathan realised that his parents were not at home. Instead, he found a note on the desk. ‘We went to visit friends. Robert called.’ Nathan was sure that he wanted to know how the meeting with Sandra went. He ran downstairs and dialled Robert's number.
‘Falkner?’
"Hello Robert, it's me.’
‘Hi Nathan! So, how did it go?‘
’Really well. She was a little disappointed that I'm not available for the ladies, but she's okay with it.‘
’Glad to hear it. I'm free right now, can I come over to your place?‘
’Yeah, okay, why not. See you then.‘
’Yeah, see you.’
After he had hung up, Nathan quickly decided to jump in the shower. The warm water pelted over his body and revived his chilled spirits. Little Nathan stirred too, but was put off until later, because Robert wouldn't need that long. As soon as Nathan had come out of the bathroom and slipped into fresh shorts, the doorbell rang. Nathan quickly slipped into his dressing gown and ran downstairs.
‘So here I am. Do you always open the door half-naked?’
‘No, but I wanted to seduce you.’
Robert paused.
‘Hey, just kidding. Go on up, you know the way. Do you want something to drink?’
"A tea would be nice.’
‘Fruit okay?‘
’Yes, that's fine.‘
A little later, they were sitting in Nathan's room, sipping hot fruit tea.
’Manuel talked to me today after you left."
Nathan's features hardened: ’What did he want?’
‘He really is sorry. I told him he should give you time for now, maybe you'll become friends once it's been longer.‘
’Thanks. I'll see, but it's probably really too soon for that.‘
’There's something else...‘
’What did he want?’
‘Well, not him, me...‘
Robert was obviously thinking hard about how best to say this.
The CD switched tracks and the first bars of “The Miracle Of Love” played.
’Do you remember the last time we listened to this song together and I was feeling sad because I was thinking about Steffi?’
‘Yes, back then you didn't know what a snake she is.‘
’Well, I'm in love again.‘
’Hey, you deserve it. I hope you're luckier with your choice this time. Who's the lucky girl?"
Instead of answering, Robert leaned forward and kissed Nathan on the mouth. At first hesitantly and cautiously, but slowly becoming more demanding.
After a while they parted.
‘But I thought you were straight.‘
’Well, when we saw the film, I thought it would be nice to have you rub my back. But I didn't want to be gay. That's why I wanted to sleep with Steffi. I wanted to know. But it didn't work out. But by then you were already with Manuel. I was happy for you and at the same time I felt so alone. I was so angry at him when your relationship broke up. It was terrible to see you suffer like that. I wanted to be there for you and it was so nice when you snuggled up to me that morning. I was about to tell you that I love you, but I was afraid you would think I was taking advantage of the situation.’
‘Well, what can I say. I'm a little surprised. After all, I assumed you were straight. And as my best friend, you were always off limits anyway.‘
Robert's face became thoughtful.
’So you don't love me?’ he asked worriedly.
‘Of course I do, you weirdo! It'll just take me a moment to realise all of this. But I have an idea what could help me with that."
He chuckled when he saw Robert's questioning face, pulled him to him and kissed him long and hard.
*** Hey hey, hold on! You didn't think you could just sneak away like that, did you? So Robert has finally found Nathan and I have to say, they really make a cute couple. Let's just hope it stays that way for as long as possible and close the book at this point. Take care and stay clean.