07-10-2025, 02:47 PM
The day at the quarry pond was to herald a change in Julian's life. But the 14-year-old eighth-grader had no idea of what was about to happen as he enjoyed the tropical temperatures at the quarry pond with his friends.
In the late afternoon, most of the boys went home. Only Julian remained lying in the shade of a bush, enjoying the peace and quiet.
Suddenly, he was startled as he felt a hand that timidly touched his naked shoulder. Through his narrowed eyes, he recognised the black-haired girl from the 9th grade.
‘Hannah, you scared me. What are you doing here?’
"Oh... nothing, just a coincidence. Do you want to go out for ice cream with me?’
Julian didn't believe Hannah's story of chance, but he said, ‘Yeah, okay, let's do it.’ He put on his jeans, T-shirt and K-Swiss. Hannah watched him closely. Julian noticed it and felt uncomfortable, but didn't say anything. This uneasy feeling didn't go away in the ice cream parlour either. He sensed clearly that Hannah wasn't just there for the ice cream. But that seemed so strange and unreal to him. When they said goodbye to each other, he went home lost in thought. Thousands of thoughts whirled through his head. There was a girl who wanted to be close to him. Not a little girl who adored him, no, a self-confident girl who was more than a year older than him. And there was no doubt that it was a hard-hitting come-on.
Actually, he should be happy and proud of himself. Instead, he found the situation repulsive. The longer he thought about it, the more confused he became. Why didn't he jump at Hannah? He knew that some boys at school were after Hannah and were rebuffed by her. And he? He could get her, just like that, without much effort. Because she wanted him. So what was he afraid of? Fear? After half a night of waking and brooding, he was sure: no, it wasn't fear, but something else that was keeping him from pursuing Hannah. Was it Hannah? No, he had to admit to himself that he didn't find any girl attractive or appealing at all. There were some that he liked. Yes, liked, like many other people. Except for... Wait a minute... Some guys he found attractive, very much so. My God, was he... no, of course not, that would be ridiculous. Surely it was just a weird phase of puberty. He was sensible enough to realise that puberty had its ‘fringe phenomena’, which he too had enjoyed, but certainly didn't have to take so seriously... Or didn't want to take seriously?
Hannah avoided him as much as possible.
The months passed. A new girl came into his class: Sophie. She was so different from the other girls. She had such an open, buddy-like nature.
At school they sat next to each other and quickly became friends. He often forgot that Sophie was a girl, she simply didn't matter. He enjoyed the physical contact, the hugs, the lack of inhibition that he felt in her presence. They had been doing a lot of things together for a long time.
One day Sophie asked if she could bring her twin brother to the cinema with her. Julian had never met a pair of twins before and was very curious to see what it would be like. It was bound to be fun. Julian deliberately left a little early to pick them up.
Sophie opened the door and let Julian in. ‘Go on in, I'll be ready in a minute,’ she said. Sitting on the couch in the living room was a handsome blond boy with deep blue eyes. He held out his hand to Julian. ‘Hi, I'm Philipp.’
Julian returned the handshake. ‘Hey, I'm Julian.’
‘Yes, I know, my sister's friend,‘ he grinned at Julian.
’Um...yes, something like that,’ Julian couldn't say more.
Over the next few weeks, the three of them spent a lot of time together. Philipp and Julian became good friends. However, Julian quickly began to feel an affection for Philipp that grew stronger and stronger. This frightened him, very much, because he also remembered the thing with Hannah. The confusion of feelings that he had suppressed for so long. What was wrong with him? He was now 16 years old. This bloody puberty should have been under control by now. Was he really gay, which had often crossed his mind? No, that couldn't be, never! Again and again he had suppressed these thoughts.
For days and nights Julian brooded over his problem. Until Sophie approached him
‘Hey Juli, what's up with you?’
‘Oh, nothing.’
"Don't lie to me, I can tell you're not feeling well. What's going on?’
Julian would have liked to have had a good cry on Sophie's shoulder, but he made excuses. A full fortnight went by before he finally plucked up the courage. He told Sophie everything he felt, describing his confusion to her. He only didn't mention his feelings for Philipp.
When he had finished, Sophie took a deep breath.
‘Juli, you know, I've noticed for a long time that you're somehow different. I've also thought that maybe you're gay.‘
’What, how did you notice that? I'm not a fag or anything.‘
’No, of course not. But your behaviour towards girls is quite revealing.‘
’Man, I've been trying not to let it show.’
‘Of course, only someone who knows you as well as I do would notice.‘
’Shit, I don't want that...‘
’Juli, just accept it, otherwise you'll just drive yourself crazy. What's so bad about being gay? You're my best friend and you'll always be my best friend.’
‘You are, but what about the others, they'll chase me away.‘
’No one will chase you away, but you have to have the courage to admit it to yourself. That's the most important thing right now."
Sophie took Julian by the shoulders and shook him gently.
‘Hey, believe in yourself! I do.’ She kissed Julian on the cheek. He looked at her with wet eyes and said softly, ’Yes, thank you, I will.’
Julian spent the next few days organising his thoughts. Slowly, he realised that there was no point in lying to himself. He decided to involve one more person he could trust completely: his brother. Kevin was seven years older and the best brother in the world.
He waited until dinner.
"Hey Kev, I've got a few new CDs.’
‘Yeah cool, let's listen to them right now.‘
After dinner in Julian's room:
’Come on, show me the CDs.‘
’Um... well... I don't have any new CDs, but I need to talk to you.’
‘Man, when you look like that, you've done something wrong. So what's up? Did you forget the rubber while screwing and now the old lady is pregnant, or what?‘
’No, uh, well, it's kind of along those lines.‘
Kevin put his arm around Julian's shoulders.
’Ok, so it's about a girl, so go ahead.’
Julian hesitated.
‘No, it's not about a girl, rather the opposite. I... um, I think, I'm pretty sure... I'm... gay.’
Julian avoided eye contact. Kevin looked at his brother for a long time before answering.
‘Dude, are you really sure?’
"Yes, I think so.’
‘Ok, in that case. How do you think I don't care about this. You're my brother and I'm always there for you. Tell me, are you afraid?‘
’Yes‘
’Look, I can't take away your fear. You have to do that yourself. Face it. Be honest with yourself, otherwise you'll just mess up your life. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?’
‘Yes, but it's so easy to say.‘
’I know that, little one. I'll help you whenever I can. If you want to talk, I'm always there for you, I hope you know that. But you have to take the first step yourself. Do you understand?‘
’Hm yes, you're right.’
Julian lowered his eyes. Kevin tousled Julian's long hair.
‘But tell me, is there someone special?’
Kevin grinned at Julian with his winning smile.
‘Yes, Philipp, Sophie's brother.‘
’Great, go for it.‘
’It's easy for you to say. What if he doesn't want to and then brags that I made a pass at him? Man, if the others find out, I'm screwed.’
‘Kid, you don't have a choice. You have to take the risk, otherwise you'll be alone for the rest of your life. But people today are tolerant enough and your friends aren't freaks. It'll work out."
Kevin gave his brother a friendly slap and grinned. Julian looked at Kevin. ’Thanks, dude, I'll manage... somehow.’
He lay awake half the night thinking about Kevin's words and how he could make it clear to Philipp how he felt about him.
However, he did not come to any conclusion.
Over the next few days, he kept away from Sophie and Philipp to gain some distance and have time to think.
The whole week went by uneventfully.
Until Friday evening, when his mobile phone rang. It was Sophie.
‘Hey Juli, what's up with you, are you sick or something?’
‘Hi Sophie, no, not sick, just a bit depressed.’
‘Ok, I know what, Phil and I are going to the cinema, do you want to come?’
"Hm, well...’
‘Come on, don't beat about the bush, come here.‘
The thought of seeing Philipp again gave him wings, he was looking forward to seeing him.
’Ok, I'll be right there."
He quickly said goodbye to his mother and ran off. Sophie and Philipp were already waiting for him and they set off.
After the film, the three of them stood around in front of the cinema a little indecisively. While they were still wondering what else they wanted to do, a group of girls came straight up to them.
‘Huhu Söphchen!’
"Hi, what are you doing here, haven't seen you in ages.’
And a merry chatter started. Julian grinned at Philipp and whispered ‘...girls...’ Philipp grinned back.
‘Come on, let's get out of here.’
‘Hey sis, we're leaving. Bye.’
‘Ok, I'll hang around with the girls for a bit. Bye.’
Philipp turned to Julian:
‘Let's go to my place, my parents are out, we can have a beer.‘ “Drunkard, but okay, if you think so.”
Julian's heart started beating faster. He alone with Philipp, hopefully he would keep his nerve.
A short time later they were sitting together in Philipp's room.
’Want a beer?‘
’Well maybe later, a water or something first.’
Philipp got some water and crisps and switched on the TV and DVD player.
‘Hey, Juli, I've got “Transformers 2” here. Shall we watch it?’
"Yeah, okay. I haven't seen it yet.’
They sat next to each other on the sofa, watched the film and munched crisps. Julian couldn't really concentrate on the film, though. He kept wondering whether he should make a move. What if Philipp ended their friendship? He thought about his brother's words.
‘You have to take the risk, otherwise you'll be alone for the rest of your life,’ Kevin had said. Julian was getting restless, maybe, maybe he should... He felt torn. Finally, he put all his eggs in one basket. He stretched out on the sofa, slowly and tentatively put his arm around Philipp's shoulders, expecting Philipp to jump up and yell at him. But nothing happened. Philip didn't react. At least it seemed that way. Julian took heart, moved closer to Philip and increased the pressure of his arm. Finally, Philip turned his head and looked at him.
‘Juli, what... are you doing?’ he asked.
‘I... um... don't you like it?‘
’Yes, but...‘
Julian now knew what he had to do.
’You know, Philipp, I have to tell you something. So... I... I'm gay and... I've... I've fallen in love with you. Please don't be angry with me."
Philipp looked at Julian. It seemed like hours before Philipp finally answered.
‘No, I'm not angry with you, but I didn't expect this. I never noticed anything with you.‘
’Man, I didn't want anyone to notice either. Besides, I was afraid you would end our friendship.‘
’No, man, I'm really happy to have you as a friend, but... but this is completely new for me, you know?’
‘Yeah, I know, you've probably never been with a guy and only made out with girls."
Philipp smiled at Julian, embarrassed. ’Girls? No, not even that.’
The two looked at each other for a long time. Julian bent his head closer to Philipp. After a moment's hesitation, he came towards him. Their lips touched tentatively at first, then they formed a long, passionate kiss.
It was already late at night. The two were lying closely entwined in Philipp's bed when they were awakened by a noise. Sophie had come home. They heard her go to her room.
Julian whispered
‘Shit, we fell asleep. I'm leaving, Sophie mustn't notice anything.’
"Ok, but quietly.’
Julian hastily got dressed. Philipp put on his boxers and T-shirt, checked to make sure everything was okay, and let Julian out.
The next day, Julian's phone rang. It was a text message from Philipp: ‘Come to the playground at 4. It's urgent. Phil.’ The message worried Julian a lot. With a pounding heart, he went to the agreed meeting place.
Philipp was already there.
‘Hey, what's up?‘
’Juli, I really need to talk to you.‘
’Okay, shoot.‘
Philipp was hesitant, it was hard for him to talk. “You know, what happened tonight was beautiful. But... it must never happen again.”
Julian looked at Philipp in horror.
’But why not, you said it yourself, it was beautiful.’
‘Yes, but somehow it wasn't me. I feel like I was someone else last night. Juli, I'm not gay, I don't want anything from men, do you understand?‘
’Well, yes, but... we'll stay friends, right?‘
He looked at Philipp fearfully.
’Yes, sure. But nobody can find out about last night, okay?’
‘Sure, no one will find out.‘
Both went back home. Julian felt drained. A dream can come to an end so quickly. He spent the rest of the day with useless activities. Even the Sunday dragged on drearily.
Until his phone rang. It was Philipp.
’Hey Juli, are you free tonight?‘
’Yes, sure. Why, what's up?’
‘Oh, nothing special, I'm just bored.‘
’Ok, see you later."
Julian had mixed feelings. On the one hand, he was happy that Philipp invited him, because he longed for his closeness. On the other hand, it was clear to him that there would never be any more tenderness between him and Philipp. He decided to make the best of it and set off.
When he arrived at Philipp's, everything happened very quickly. Philipp slammed the front door, threw his arms around Julian and gave him a long, deep kiss. Julian was initially completely surprised, but quickly recovered and returned the kiss. Without letting go of each other, they went to Philipp's room.
A few minutes later:
‘Man Phil, what..’. Philipp covered Julian's mouth. “Please don't say anything, just let me explain.” Julian looked at him and nodded silently.
‘I know what I said the day before yesterday, that something like that should never happen again. But I was completely confused then, you know, it was my first time. I just panicked and thought I'd done something wrong. Now I know that something as beautiful as what happened with you can't be wrong."
Philipp kissed Julian on the cheek.
‘I'd like to have sex with you again, but...’, his expression became serious and he looked at Julian with pursed lips, ’... but I can't imagine a real relationship with a guy. Sorry, but it's like that... Can you accept that?’
Julian had the feeling that there was a lump in his throat. He didn't know what to feel. Sex with Philipp without the feeling of a relationship that he so desired? Would something like that be resilient in the long run? Or was the bird in the hand worth two in the bush? And he should decide now, this very second, and give Philipp an answer? He needed time to think.
But Philipp looked at him expectantly. So don't make a mistake now. ‘Yes, sure, I can.’ Julian said. He tried to grin as naturally as possible, stroked Philipp's hair and kissed him. He wasn't comfortable with it, because he knew that he was just playing for time and taking a big risk if Philipp realised that he had just lied.
Julian pulled himself together and so it was still a passionate evening.
The following week was hectic. Julian had a lot to do for school. Table tennis training also took up a lot of his time. That only left time for a few phone calls and chats with Philipp. Julian strictly avoided the subject of sex. He still didn't know how he should behave towards Philipp. He also didn't have the sense to come up with a solution.
And once again it was Philipp who took the initiative when he called Julian on Friday afternoon.
‘Hey Juli, are you free tonight? I got a cool film.’
‘Of course I'm free, what film did you get?’
‘I'm not telling you, let it be a surprise.’
"Come on.’
Philipp laughed. ‘Nope, I'll keep you on tenterhooks for a while.’
‘Oh well... all right, you sadist. See you later.’
When Julian arrived at Philipp's, he had already prepared everything for a DVD evening.
Crisps and drinks were ready and waiting.
‘There, make yourself comfortable. It'll start in a minute.’
"I'm curious to see what you're making such a fuss about.’
Philipp grinned like a Cheshire cat.
‘You'll see.’
Philipp started the DVD player. The film started. An Indian woman shouted at a couple of football-playing boys who were mocking one of them. Philipp looked at Julian expectantly. ‘Do you know this one?’
‘Nope.’
‘Ok, then let yourself be surprised.’
Philipp had to grin broadly again. The film was set in an ugly English suburb and was called ‘Beautiful Thing’. It was about two boys falling in love. Julian and Philipp watched the film in silence almost to the end. When the two boys in the film began to dance closely entwined with each other, Philipp stood up and held out his hand to Julian. Julian looked at Philipp questioningly. He whispered, ‘Hey, come on.’
Julian rose. The two took each other in their arms and danced in a slight rocking step, just like the two boys in the film.
Several minutes later: the film had long since ended, when they were still dancing and Philipp whispered softly in Julian's ear: ‘Juli... I was such an idiot, but I was completely overwhelmed, do you understand?’
He stopped, broke free from the embrace and looked at Julian with a firm expression. ‘Please forgive me if I have hurt you in any way, but I didn't know how to deal with the situation. But Sophie has made some things clear to me. I finally know who and what I am and what I want. Juli... I love you and I want to be with you.’
Julian felt his eyes filling with tears, but he wasn't ashamed and let them run. In a broken voice he said, ‘My God, Phil, you have no idea how much I love you, but I'm the one who has to apologise. I realised that I overwhelmed you and I want so much to be with you.’
They hugged, sank down on the sofa, wrapped in each other's arms, and kissed long and tenderly.
It was as if a red cloud of feelings enveloped them.
In the late afternoon, most of the boys went home. Only Julian remained lying in the shade of a bush, enjoying the peace and quiet.
Suddenly, he was startled as he felt a hand that timidly touched his naked shoulder. Through his narrowed eyes, he recognised the black-haired girl from the 9th grade.
‘Hannah, you scared me. What are you doing here?’
"Oh... nothing, just a coincidence. Do you want to go out for ice cream with me?’
Julian didn't believe Hannah's story of chance, but he said, ‘Yeah, okay, let's do it.’ He put on his jeans, T-shirt and K-Swiss. Hannah watched him closely. Julian noticed it and felt uncomfortable, but didn't say anything. This uneasy feeling didn't go away in the ice cream parlour either. He sensed clearly that Hannah wasn't just there for the ice cream. But that seemed so strange and unreal to him. When they said goodbye to each other, he went home lost in thought. Thousands of thoughts whirled through his head. There was a girl who wanted to be close to him. Not a little girl who adored him, no, a self-confident girl who was more than a year older than him. And there was no doubt that it was a hard-hitting come-on.
Actually, he should be happy and proud of himself. Instead, he found the situation repulsive. The longer he thought about it, the more confused he became. Why didn't he jump at Hannah? He knew that some boys at school were after Hannah and were rebuffed by her. And he? He could get her, just like that, without much effort. Because she wanted him. So what was he afraid of? Fear? After half a night of waking and brooding, he was sure: no, it wasn't fear, but something else that was keeping him from pursuing Hannah. Was it Hannah? No, he had to admit to himself that he didn't find any girl attractive or appealing at all. There were some that he liked. Yes, liked, like many other people. Except for... Wait a minute... Some guys he found attractive, very much so. My God, was he... no, of course not, that would be ridiculous. Surely it was just a weird phase of puberty. He was sensible enough to realise that puberty had its ‘fringe phenomena’, which he too had enjoyed, but certainly didn't have to take so seriously... Or didn't want to take seriously?
Hannah avoided him as much as possible.
The months passed. A new girl came into his class: Sophie. She was so different from the other girls. She had such an open, buddy-like nature.
At school they sat next to each other and quickly became friends. He often forgot that Sophie was a girl, she simply didn't matter. He enjoyed the physical contact, the hugs, the lack of inhibition that he felt in her presence. They had been doing a lot of things together for a long time.
One day Sophie asked if she could bring her twin brother to the cinema with her. Julian had never met a pair of twins before and was very curious to see what it would be like. It was bound to be fun. Julian deliberately left a little early to pick them up.
Sophie opened the door and let Julian in. ‘Go on in, I'll be ready in a minute,’ she said. Sitting on the couch in the living room was a handsome blond boy with deep blue eyes. He held out his hand to Julian. ‘Hi, I'm Philipp.’
Julian returned the handshake. ‘Hey, I'm Julian.’
‘Yes, I know, my sister's friend,‘ he grinned at Julian.
’Um...yes, something like that,’ Julian couldn't say more.
Over the next few weeks, the three of them spent a lot of time together. Philipp and Julian became good friends. However, Julian quickly began to feel an affection for Philipp that grew stronger and stronger. This frightened him, very much, because he also remembered the thing with Hannah. The confusion of feelings that he had suppressed for so long. What was wrong with him? He was now 16 years old. This bloody puberty should have been under control by now. Was he really gay, which had often crossed his mind? No, that couldn't be, never! Again and again he had suppressed these thoughts.
For days and nights Julian brooded over his problem. Until Sophie approached him
‘Hey Juli, what's up with you?’
‘Oh, nothing.’
"Don't lie to me, I can tell you're not feeling well. What's going on?’
Julian would have liked to have had a good cry on Sophie's shoulder, but he made excuses. A full fortnight went by before he finally plucked up the courage. He told Sophie everything he felt, describing his confusion to her. He only didn't mention his feelings for Philipp.
When he had finished, Sophie took a deep breath.
‘Juli, you know, I've noticed for a long time that you're somehow different. I've also thought that maybe you're gay.‘
’What, how did you notice that? I'm not a fag or anything.‘
’No, of course not. But your behaviour towards girls is quite revealing.‘
’Man, I've been trying not to let it show.’
‘Of course, only someone who knows you as well as I do would notice.‘
’Shit, I don't want that...‘
’Juli, just accept it, otherwise you'll just drive yourself crazy. What's so bad about being gay? You're my best friend and you'll always be my best friend.’
‘You are, but what about the others, they'll chase me away.‘
’No one will chase you away, but you have to have the courage to admit it to yourself. That's the most important thing right now."
Sophie took Julian by the shoulders and shook him gently.
‘Hey, believe in yourself! I do.’ She kissed Julian on the cheek. He looked at her with wet eyes and said softly, ’Yes, thank you, I will.’
Julian spent the next few days organising his thoughts. Slowly, he realised that there was no point in lying to himself. He decided to involve one more person he could trust completely: his brother. Kevin was seven years older and the best brother in the world.
He waited until dinner.
"Hey Kev, I've got a few new CDs.’
‘Yeah cool, let's listen to them right now.‘
After dinner in Julian's room:
’Come on, show me the CDs.‘
’Um... well... I don't have any new CDs, but I need to talk to you.’
‘Man, when you look like that, you've done something wrong. So what's up? Did you forget the rubber while screwing and now the old lady is pregnant, or what?‘
’No, uh, well, it's kind of along those lines.‘
Kevin put his arm around Julian's shoulders.
’Ok, so it's about a girl, so go ahead.’
Julian hesitated.
‘No, it's not about a girl, rather the opposite. I... um, I think, I'm pretty sure... I'm... gay.’
Julian avoided eye contact. Kevin looked at his brother for a long time before answering.
‘Dude, are you really sure?’
"Yes, I think so.’
‘Ok, in that case. How do you think I don't care about this. You're my brother and I'm always there for you. Tell me, are you afraid?‘
’Yes‘
’Look, I can't take away your fear. You have to do that yourself. Face it. Be honest with yourself, otherwise you'll just mess up your life. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?’
‘Yes, but it's so easy to say.‘
’I know that, little one. I'll help you whenever I can. If you want to talk, I'm always there for you, I hope you know that. But you have to take the first step yourself. Do you understand?‘
’Hm yes, you're right.’
Julian lowered his eyes. Kevin tousled Julian's long hair.
‘But tell me, is there someone special?’
Kevin grinned at Julian with his winning smile.
‘Yes, Philipp, Sophie's brother.‘
’Great, go for it.‘
’It's easy for you to say. What if he doesn't want to and then brags that I made a pass at him? Man, if the others find out, I'm screwed.’
‘Kid, you don't have a choice. You have to take the risk, otherwise you'll be alone for the rest of your life. But people today are tolerant enough and your friends aren't freaks. It'll work out."
Kevin gave his brother a friendly slap and grinned. Julian looked at Kevin. ’Thanks, dude, I'll manage... somehow.’
He lay awake half the night thinking about Kevin's words and how he could make it clear to Philipp how he felt about him.
However, he did not come to any conclusion.
Over the next few days, he kept away from Sophie and Philipp to gain some distance and have time to think.
The whole week went by uneventfully.
Until Friday evening, when his mobile phone rang. It was Sophie.
‘Hey Juli, what's up with you, are you sick or something?’
‘Hi Sophie, no, not sick, just a bit depressed.’
‘Ok, I know what, Phil and I are going to the cinema, do you want to come?’
"Hm, well...’
‘Come on, don't beat about the bush, come here.‘
The thought of seeing Philipp again gave him wings, he was looking forward to seeing him.
’Ok, I'll be right there."
He quickly said goodbye to his mother and ran off. Sophie and Philipp were already waiting for him and they set off.
After the film, the three of them stood around in front of the cinema a little indecisively. While they were still wondering what else they wanted to do, a group of girls came straight up to them.
‘Huhu Söphchen!’
"Hi, what are you doing here, haven't seen you in ages.’
And a merry chatter started. Julian grinned at Philipp and whispered ‘...girls...’ Philipp grinned back.
‘Come on, let's get out of here.’
‘Hey sis, we're leaving. Bye.’
‘Ok, I'll hang around with the girls for a bit. Bye.’
Philipp turned to Julian:
‘Let's go to my place, my parents are out, we can have a beer.‘ “Drunkard, but okay, if you think so.”
Julian's heart started beating faster. He alone with Philipp, hopefully he would keep his nerve.
A short time later they were sitting together in Philipp's room.
’Want a beer?‘
’Well maybe later, a water or something first.’
Philipp got some water and crisps and switched on the TV and DVD player.
‘Hey, Juli, I've got “Transformers 2” here. Shall we watch it?’
"Yeah, okay. I haven't seen it yet.’
They sat next to each other on the sofa, watched the film and munched crisps. Julian couldn't really concentrate on the film, though. He kept wondering whether he should make a move. What if Philipp ended their friendship? He thought about his brother's words.
‘You have to take the risk, otherwise you'll be alone for the rest of your life,’ Kevin had said. Julian was getting restless, maybe, maybe he should... He felt torn. Finally, he put all his eggs in one basket. He stretched out on the sofa, slowly and tentatively put his arm around Philipp's shoulders, expecting Philipp to jump up and yell at him. But nothing happened. Philip didn't react. At least it seemed that way. Julian took heart, moved closer to Philip and increased the pressure of his arm. Finally, Philip turned his head and looked at him.
‘Juli, what... are you doing?’ he asked.
‘I... um... don't you like it?‘
’Yes, but...‘
Julian now knew what he had to do.
’You know, Philipp, I have to tell you something. So... I... I'm gay and... I've... I've fallen in love with you. Please don't be angry with me."
Philipp looked at Julian. It seemed like hours before Philipp finally answered.
‘No, I'm not angry with you, but I didn't expect this. I never noticed anything with you.‘
’Man, I didn't want anyone to notice either. Besides, I was afraid you would end our friendship.‘
’No, man, I'm really happy to have you as a friend, but... but this is completely new for me, you know?’
‘Yeah, I know, you've probably never been with a guy and only made out with girls."
Philipp smiled at Julian, embarrassed. ’Girls? No, not even that.’
The two looked at each other for a long time. Julian bent his head closer to Philipp. After a moment's hesitation, he came towards him. Their lips touched tentatively at first, then they formed a long, passionate kiss.
It was already late at night. The two were lying closely entwined in Philipp's bed when they were awakened by a noise. Sophie had come home. They heard her go to her room.
Julian whispered
‘Shit, we fell asleep. I'm leaving, Sophie mustn't notice anything.’
"Ok, but quietly.’
Julian hastily got dressed. Philipp put on his boxers and T-shirt, checked to make sure everything was okay, and let Julian out.
The next day, Julian's phone rang. It was a text message from Philipp: ‘Come to the playground at 4. It's urgent. Phil.’ The message worried Julian a lot. With a pounding heart, he went to the agreed meeting place.
Philipp was already there.
‘Hey, what's up?‘
’Juli, I really need to talk to you.‘
’Okay, shoot.‘
Philipp was hesitant, it was hard for him to talk. “You know, what happened tonight was beautiful. But... it must never happen again.”
Julian looked at Philipp in horror.
’But why not, you said it yourself, it was beautiful.’
‘Yes, but somehow it wasn't me. I feel like I was someone else last night. Juli, I'm not gay, I don't want anything from men, do you understand?‘
’Well, yes, but... we'll stay friends, right?‘
He looked at Philipp fearfully.
’Yes, sure. But nobody can find out about last night, okay?’
‘Sure, no one will find out.‘
Both went back home. Julian felt drained. A dream can come to an end so quickly. He spent the rest of the day with useless activities. Even the Sunday dragged on drearily.
Until his phone rang. It was Philipp.
’Hey Juli, are you free tonight?‘
’Yes, sure. Why, what's up?’
‘Oh, nothing special, I'm just bored.‘
’Ok, see you later."
Julian had mixed feelings. On the one hand, he was happy that Philipp invited him, because he longed for his closeness. On the other hand, it was clear to him that there would never be any more tenderness between him and Philipp. He decided to make the best of it and set off.
When he arrived at Philipp's, everything happened very quickly. Philipp slammed the front door, threw his arms around Julian and gave him a long, deep kiss. Julian was initially completely surprised, but quickly recovered and returned the kiss. Without letting go of each other, they went to Philipp's room.
A few minutes later:
‘Man Phil, what..’. Philipp covered Julian's mouth. “Please don't say anything, just let me explain.” Julian looked at him and nodded silently.
‘I know what I said the day before yesterday, that something like that should never happen again. But I was completely confused then, you know, it was my first time. I just panicked and thought I'd done something wrong. Now I know that something as beautiful as what happened with you can't be wrong."
Philipp kissed Julian on the cheek.
‘I'd like to have sex with you again, but...’, his expression became serious and he looked at Julian with pursed lips, ’... but I can't imagine a real relationship with a guy. Sorry, but it's like that... Can you accept that?’
Julian had the feeling that there was a lump in his throat. He didn't know what to feel. Sex with Philipp without the feeling of a relationship that he so desired? Would something like that be resilient in the long run? Or was the bird in the hand worth two in the bush? And he should decide now, this very second, and give Philipp an answer? He needed time to think.
But Philipp looked at him expectantly. So don't make a mistake now. ‘Yes, sure, I can.’ Julian said. He tried to grin as naturally as possible, stroked Philipp's hair and kissed him. He wasn't comfortable with it, because he knew that he was just playing for time and taking a big risk if Philipp realised that he had just lied.
Julian pulled himself together and so it was still a passionate evening.
The following week was hectic. Julian had a lot to do for school. Table tennis training also took up a lot of his time. That only left time for a few phone calls and chats with Philipp. Julian strictly avoided the subject of sex. He still didn't know how he should behave towards Philipp. He also didn't have the sense to come up with a solution.
And once again it was Philipp who took the initiative when he called Julian on Friday afternoon.
‘Hey Juli, are you free tonight? I got a cool film.’
‘Of course I'm free, what film did you get?’
‘I'm not telling you, let it be a surprise.’
"Come on.’
Philipp laughed. ‘Nope, I'll keep you on tenterhooks for a while.’
‘Oh well... all right, you sadist. See you later.’
When Julian arrived at Philipp's, he had already prepared everything for a DVD evening.
Crisps and drinks were ready and waiting.
‘There, make yourself comfortable. It'll start in a minute.’
"I'm curious to see what you're making such a fuss about.’
Philipp grinned like a Cheshire cat.
‘You'll see.’
Philipp started the DVD player. The film started. An Indian woman shouted at a couple of football-playing boys who were mocking one of them. Philipp looked at Julian expectantly. ‘Do you know this one?’
‘Nope.’
‘Ok, then let yourself be surprised.’
Philipp had to grin broadly again. The film was set in an ugly English suburb and was called ‘Beautiful Thing’. It was about two boys falling in love. Julian and Philipp watched the film in silence almost to the end. When the two boys in the film began to dance closely entwined with each other, Philipp stood up and held out his hand to Julian. Julian looked at Philipp questioningly. He whispered, ‘Hey, come on.’
Julian rose. The two took each other in their arms and danced in a slight rocking step, just like the two boys in the film.
Several minutes later: the film had long since ended, when they were still dancing and Philipp whispered softly in Julian's ear: ‘Juli... I was such an idiot, but I was completely overwhelmed, do you understand?’
He stopped, broke free from the embrace and looked at Julian with a firm expression. ‘Please forgive me if I have hurt you in any way, but I didn't know how to deal with the situation. But Sophie has made some things clear to me. I finally know who and what I am and what I want. Juli... I love you and I want to be with you.’
Julian felt his eyes filling with tears, but he wasn't ashamed and let them run. In a broken voice he said, ‘My God, Phil, you have no idea how much I love you, but I'm the one who has to apologise. I realised that I overwhelmed you and I want so much to be with you.’
They hugged, sank down on the sofa, wrapped in each other's arms, and kissed long and tenderly.
It was as if a red cloud of feelings enveloped them.