2025-07-10, 03:53 PM
The sky was grey and overcast when I looked out of the window. It was just as grey and cloudy as the last twenty or thirty times I had looked out borededly in the last quarter of an hour. The view from the second floor onto the school grounds was pretty dismal. From my position, only a narrow strip of the deserted, grey-paved playground was visible. Further back, the weathered facade of our school gym towered up. In between was a narrow flower bed. In a few weeks, a rather modest display of flowers would unfold there, but only if no one trampled everything down beforehand. Now in March, however, the puny bushes and the other small plants were still bare and just as bleak as everything else.
At some point, Mr Mautner, the head of our history class, noticed that I was staring out the window most of the time. ‘Lennart!’ he called to me. ‘I can't imagine that anything more exciting is happening out there than in here in my class.’
I didn't dare to contradict him, although I was pretty sure that looking at the ornate decorations on the gymnasium's façade was at least marginally more entertaining.
Normally Marius sat next to me, but that morning his chair was empty. I was used to killing time with non-educational activities with him. Our teachers often noticed this, but we had never received anything worse than a reprimand – similar to the one we had just received – for it. Without Marius, I was miserably bored. Of course, I wondered what was wrong with my best friend, whether he was ill or just didn't feel like going to school. Normally, Marius didn't skip school, so an illness seemed more likely to me.
I let my eyes wander around the room without interest and was suddenly taken aback when I saw Julian, who sat at the front of the classroom in the opposite corner, suddenly cast a shy glance over his shoulder, exactly in my direction. Was he really looking at me? When I raised my eyebrows in wonder, he jumped in fright and quickly turned away again. Now I was quite sure that he had looked at me.
There are a few things you need to know about Julian. For one thing, he insists that his first name be pronounced in English, so ‘Dschulien’. However, most of the rest of us still call him ‘Julian’, if only because we know that you can annoy him very easily by pronouncing his name in German. Only the teachers and a couple of girls who always sit near him always honour Julian's wish. The latter are also the only ones who are friends with him. Whenever possible, they form a protective barrier around Julian with their bodies to shield him from the rest of us. But they can't prevent him from overhearing the snide remarks that the rest of the class occasionally makes about him. An angry ‘Just leave him alone!’ is the standard reaction of Julian's friends. If their looks could kill, at least half of the rest of us would have died a miserable death by now. The girls around him are not exactly the kind of girls I'm usually interested in. By that I mean that they are not exactly the most attractive. One of them definitely weighs a few kilos too many and the one with the glasses is a total nerd. But you can't call Julian a nerd. His academic performance is probably around average. Besides, he rarely raises his hand in class. But he doesn't stutter or have any kind of disability. He's also not ugly or fat, doesn't wear glasses and doesn't dress in cheap clothes. No, quite the opposite! He's actually quite good-looking, but somehow different from us normal guys. He dresses quite extravagantly. You could put it this way: every detail about him is always styled to perfection. I'm pretty sure he even uses make-up. What I'm trying to say is this: Julian is gay. He's never really come out in public, but somehow everyone knows. You can just tell by looking at him.
He usually only chats and giggles with his female followers and completely ignores the rest of his classmates, as if we don't even exist. When he does turn to his female friends sitting behind him, he always does so with his eyes cast down, so as not to have to look anyone else in the eye. So why had he stared directly at me in the back row earlier? Now I also noticed that it was quieter than usual in his corner at the front today. It was really noticeable that the usual chatter and giggling between him and his foot soldiers was missing. Instead, they were whispering to each other seriously, really huddling together so that no one else would hear what was being said. I was about to turn my gaze away from the group again when suddenly one of Julian's friends looked back at me. I couldn't quite read the expression on her face. Was she looking at me angrily? Or somehow at a loss? I wondered what was going on up front. Were they whispering about me? I couldn't remember attracting Julian's attention in any way in the last few days. Hopefully he didn't think I'd gone over to the other side just because I'd broken up with Jasmine last week. If that was the case, I would have had to make it very clear to him that I had had my eye on Franziska for quite some time and was pretty sure that I would end up in bed with her by the end of April at the latest. When Julian stopped paying attention to me, I turned my attention back to other things. A few minutes later, I had almost forgotten the whole thing.
In the afternoon, I was lying lazily on the couch in my room, the Playstation controller in my hand. In the hour I had been home, I had tried to contact Marius twice by mobile phone to find out what was wrong with him, but only ever reached his voicemail. He hadn't responded to three text messages either. He was probably really sick and needed rest. I was just about to get myself together, put the controller aside and take care of my homework when the doorbell rang. My parents were both at work, so I was alone in the house. Of course, that also meant that it was up to me to see who was ringing. So I rolled off the cushion, quickly turned off the screen and then trotted leisurely down the stairs to the ground floor. I wondered briefly whether Marius was even waiting outside the entrance. But I had least expected the person who was actually standing in front of the door.
Meanwhile, light rain was falling outside and his otherwise neatly styled hair had already suffered a little from it. He was still wearing the same extravagant, tight-fitting long-sleeved shirt as in the morning. I still remembered the golden glitter print on the front very well. Now, however, the fabric was quite damp in some places. He didn't seem to have a jacket with him. The usual female companion was also missing. He had probably come here all alone.
‘What are you doing here... Juuliaan?’ I asked him when I had recovered from my surprise. I deliberately pronounced his name with this emphasis. I didn't really want to annoy him with it, because I wasn't really one of those who bullied him. But a few times he had also heard me say something stupid. I didn't really like the way he was treated sometimes. However, my pity was usually limited, after all, there was never any physical assault. Besides, he always had his defenders around him. I had often been annoyed that hardly any of the teachers seemed to be bothered by the constant cackling in his corner, while Marius and I had been reprimanded countless times for talking to each other during class. Of course, I wondered what he wanted from me. I immediately remembered our exchange of glances that morning and suspected that his visit was somehow related to that.
Julian seemed undecided about whether to say something or just leave. Finally he said, ‘Just forget it. It wasn't a good idea for me to come here.’
I thought I detected a hint of desperation in his voice. As he had already turned away from me again and was walking with his shoulders slumped the few steps to where his bike was parked under our carport, I called out to him: ‘Just wait a minute!’
He hesitated, stopped and turned around to me. A few raindrops were running down his face. Damn, were those perhaps even tears? Was he crying?
‘Now tell me what's going on!’ I shouted at him. My voice sounded more annoyed than I had intended, so I added in a slightly friendlier tone: ’Come inside for now. It's getting pretty wet out here.’
The rain was actually just picking up and the wet patches on Julian's shirt were getting bigger. Without a word, he followed me into the house.
‘Are you going to tell me what you're doing here?’ I asked him after I closed the front door behind us. When he hadn't responded after a few seconds, I addressed him again: ‘Dschulien?’
This time I tried to pronounce his name the way he liked it. I even gave him a brief smile, even though it took a little effort because I was still rather annoyed by his unexpected appearance.
‘It's about Marius,‘ he replied hesitantly, his head bowed. He spoke so softly that at first I wasn't sure if I'd understood him correctly.
’Marius? What about Marius?’ I asked back.
I immediately felt a sense of fear rising up inside me. Had something bad happened to Marius? Was that why he hadn't been at school? Had he perhaps been in an accident with his scooter? But how did Julian know about it and why was he telling me?
Instead of giving me an answer, he shyly replied, ‘He's not here with you, is he?’
‘Do you mean Marius?‘ I replied, perplexed. I didn't understand anything anymore. Julian looked at me quizzically and seemed to be waiting for me to react. So I said, “What makes you think Marius could be here with me?”
’He wasn't at school today,’ Julian replied hesitantly, without making any sense to me, let alone answering my question.
‘Yes, well, I noticed that he was absent today too,’ I snapped at him. When I saw how violently Julian winced, I immediately regretted my short-tempered reaction. He seemed on the verge of bursting into tears.
It slowly dawned on me that Julian hadn't been so interested in me that morning, but rather in the empty chair next to me where Marius usually sat.
‘Hey, it's okay,‘ I tried to calm him down. I tried to make my voice sound as friendly as possible. “Just say what's wrong. What do you want from Marius? What's wrong with him?”
’I can't just tell you that,‘ Julian hemmed and hawed.
’Did something happen to him?’
Julian shook his head and said, ‘No, not exactly. Damn it, I don't know! Maybe.’
‘What is that supposed to mean? What is this all about?’
I was slowly running out of patience. My voice was getting louder again, too. Because I couldn't make sense of any of it, my mind was searching for possible explanations. Had Marius and Julian had an argument, maybe even a physical one? Had Marius possibly lost and been given a black eye? Was he not at school because he was ashamed of being physically inferior to a gay man, or had he even been seriously injured? Did Julian perhaps want to apologise to Marius now that he was apparently looking for him? None of this made any sense, though. Marius was just not the type to beat someone up. He was one of the most peace-loving people I knew, and had never done anything to Julian before. I hadn't heard a single stupid thing about gays from his mouth either.
Julian started to explain again: ‘He wasn't at school. He's apparently not at home either. And his phone has been off all day.’
Now I was completely confused. Julian's statements still didn't shed any light on the matter and only raised new questions for me.
"How do you know he's not at home? And how did you get his mobile number in the first place?’
‘I drove by his house right after school. Nobody answers the door, even though I rang the bell at least ten times. And his mobile phone always goes straight to voicemail. I've already left a few messages and sent loads of text messages, but he doesn't seem to be checking his phone.’
I shook my head uncomprehendingly and interrupted him: ‘Sorry, but I really don't get what you're doing here. Can you maybe explain to me what you have to do with Marius? And why did you come to me at all?’
He looked up at me shyly and asked, ‘You are his best friend, aren't you?’
‘You could say that,’ I replied, nodding.
‘Then you must have noticed that he hasn't been feeling well lately, right?’ he said hesitantly.
‘Huh?’ I replied, confused. ’What should I have noticed? You don't even know Marius, and now you're telling me that he's not doing well? What makes you say that?’
‘Man, you're really totally insensitive!’ Julian suddenly snapped at me angrily. Now it was me who flinched because I hadn't anticipated this abrupt outburst of emotion. “He's been feeling like crap for months and you haven't even noticed!”
Something in his words made me think. If I thought about it carefully, there actually seemed to be some truth to his claim. Marius had really been quieter than usual lately, and sometimes I had even had the impression that he was somehow depressed. He had mostly faked being in a good mood and thus repeatedly convinced me that I was imagining his mood swings, but in fact I had somehow noticed that he had changed. It was just that I had never thought about it for very long.
Julian and I were still standing across from each other in the hallway. By now, all my annoyance at his sudden appearance and his opaque behaviour had vanished. I walked a few steps up the stairs that led to my realm – the converted attic – and squatted down on one of the steps. I slid a little towards the wall and gestured towards the free space next to me.
‘Okay, have a seat first,’ I addressed Julian again. ’What do you care about Marius anyway? You don't even know him.’
‘I definitely know him better than you think,’ he replied grimly. However, he did not comply with my request to sit down next to me. He seemed to prefer to remain standing. And then he added, almost aggressively, ’Maybe I know him even better than you!’
‘Hardly,’ I replied poisonously, after all, Marius and I had played together in the sandbox since we were little children. Since then, nothing had ever been able to separate us. ’Okay, you've noticed that he's not in a good mood. I just didn't notice that. Still, I don't understand what business it is of yours anyway.’
Julian snorted contemptuously and said, ‘Man, we're just wasting time here. I just wanted to know if you could think of anywhere he might be, not have a long discussion with you.’
"Then just say what's actually going on here!’
‘Man, I'm worried about Marius!’ he shouted at me, wiping away a tear that had just run from his eye with the back of his hand. “Something happened yesterday afternoon and after that Marius was totally devastated,” he began to explain. He could only just suppress a sob. ’And now I'm afraid that he might have done something to himself or something.’
With growing horror, I listened to what Julian was telling me. Marius wanted to kill himself? Why? Julian now broke down completely into tears. I went to him, put my hands on his shoulders and shook him slightly.
‘Hey, you have to tell me what's going on now,‘ I insisted energetically. “What happened yesterday? Why do you think Marius might want to hurt himself?”
’Timo saw us,‘ Julian replied quietly, looking down. He had now regained some control over his sobbing.
’Who did Timo see?’ I asked.
‘Marius and me.‘
’Yes, and then?‘
’Marius was just leaving and as we were standing in the front door, I gave Marius a hug goodbye and that's when Timo passed our house on his bike. He doesn't live in the area at all. No idea why he was passing by there. Anyway, he saw us and looked quite surprised, and when I noticed that, I quickly pulled Marius back into the house, closed the door and then I told Marius that Timo had just seen us.’
The words now just poured out of Julian, but still didn't really make sense to me. I wasn't surprised that Julian was afraid of Timo. Timo was pretty much the most homophobic guy in our year. He was the one who talked the most shit about Julian and bullied him the most. To be honest, I thought Timo was a real arsehole, even though he was also in the gang that Marius and I belonged to. After all, our gang consisted of a lot of people, so inevitably there were a few who couldn't stand each other.
Once I had digested Julian's words to some extent, a number of questions arose in my mind. Why was Marius at Julian's house? What did he want there? I would also like to know what Julian was thinking when he put his arms around Marius. And why the hell did Marius let him?
For the time being, however, I held back and just wanted to know from Julian: ‘Why was Marius at your place?’
After some hesitation, my counterpart replied: ‘Marius can talk to me about his problems.’
He looked at me accusingly, as if it were actually my job to take care of Marius. And somehow he was right, after all, I fancied myself as Marius' best friend. The cogs in my head kept turning. By now I had a vague idea of what could have disturbed Marius so much that Julian was now so worried about him.
I told him what I had worked out: ‘Okay, so Marius is now afraid that Timo might think that he might be... gay?’
Julian just nodded after listening to my hesitant conclusion.
‘But Marius isn't really gay, is he?’ I added after thinking about it for a few more seconds.
Actually, it didn't even seem necessary to ask the question. My best mate was definitely not gay. It just couldn't be. But Julian just stared at me. He didn't nod this time, but he didn't shake his head either, and he didn't say a word. For a few seconds, we just looked into each other's eyes.
‘Marius is gay?’ I suddenly blurted out, half in disbelief, half in surprise.
Julian turned his gaze back to the ground and said softly and hesitantly, ’I think he'd better tell you that himself.’
Actually, Julian had already answered my question, and the way he looked me in the eye again, he knew that the situation was now completely clear to me. He seemed to be waiting for a reaction from me. He probably wanted to see how I dealt with the new knowledge. At the moment, however, I simply couldn't believe that my best friend was really gay. I wondered whether Julian was just trying to wind me up. He seemed completely credible to me, though.
At some point, Mr Mautner, the head of our history class, noticed that I was staring out the window most of the time. ‘Lennart!’ he called to me. ‘I can't imagine that anything more exciting is happening out there than in here in my class.’
I didn't dare to contradict him, although I was pretty sure that looking at the ornate decorations on the gymnasium's façade was at least marginally more entertaining.
Normally Marius sat next to me, but that morning his chair was empty. I was used to killing time with non-educational activities with him. Our teachers often noticed this, but we had never received anything worse than a reprimand – similar to the one we had just received – for it. Without Marius, I was miserably bored. Of course, I wondered what was wrong with my best friend, whether he was ill or just didn't feel like going to school. Normally, Marius didn't skip school, so an illness seemed more likely to me.
I let my eyes wander around the room without interest and was suddenly taken aback when I saw Julian, who sat at the front of the classroom in the opposite corner, suddenly cast a shy glance over his shoulder, exactly in my direction. Was he really looking at me? When I raised my eyebrows in wonder, he jumped in fright and quickly turned away again. Now I was quite sure that he had looked at me.
There are a few things you need to know about Julian. For one thing, he insists that his first name be pronounced in English, so ‘Dschulien’. However, most of the rest of us still call him ‘Julian’, if only because we know that you can annoy him very easily by pronouncing his name in German. Only the teachers and a couple of girls who always sit near him always honour Julian's wish. The latter are also the only ones who are friends with him. Whenever possible, they form a protective barrier around Julian with their bodies to shield him from the rest of us. But they can't prevent him from overhearing the snide remarks that the rest of the class occasionally makes about him. An angry ‘Just leave him alone!’ is the standard reaction of Julian's friends. If their looks could kill, at least half of the rest of us would have died a miserable death by now. The girls around him are not exactly the kind of girls I'm usually interested in. By that I mean that they are not exactly the most attractive. One of them definitely weighs a few kilos too many and the one with the glasses is a total nerd. But you can't call Julian a nerd. His academic performance is probably around average. Besides, he rarely raises his hand in class. But he doesn't stutter or have any kind of disability. He's also not ugly or fat, doesn't wear glasses and doesn't dress in cheap clothes. No, quite the opposite! He's actually quite good-looking, but somehow different from us normal guys. He dresses quite extravagantly. You could put it this way: every detail about him is always styled to perfection. I'm pretty sure he even uses make-up. What I'm trying to say is this: Julian is gay. He's never really come out in public, but somehow everyone knows. You can just tell by looking at him.
He usually only chats and giggles with his female followers and completely ignores the rest of his classmates, as if we don't even exist. When he does turn to his female friends sitting behind him, he always does so with his eyes cast down, so as not to have to look anyone else in the eye. So why had he stared directly at me in the back row earlier? Now I also noticed that it was quieter than usual in his corner at the front today. It was really noticeable that the usual chatter and giggling between him and his foot soldiers was missing. Instead, they were whispering to each other seriously, really huddling together so that no one else would hear what was being said. I was about to turn my gaze away from the group again when suddenly one of Julian's friends looked back at me. I couldn't quite read the expression on her face. Was she looking at me angrily? Or somehow at a loss? I wondered what was going on up front. Were they whispering about me? I couldn't remember attracting Julian's attention in any way in the last few days. Hopefully he didn't think I'd gone over to the other side just because I'd broken up with Jasmine last week. If that was the case, I would have had to make it very clear to him that I had had my eye on Franziska for quite some time and was pretty sure that I would end up in bed with her by the end of April at the latest. When Julian stopped paying attention to me, I turned my attention back to other things. A few minutes later, I had almost forgotten the whole thing.
In the afternoon, I was lying lazily on the couch in my room, the Playstation controller in my hand. In the hour I had been home, I had tried to contact Marius twice by mobile phone to find out what was wrong with him, but only ever reached his voicemail. He hadn't responded to three text messages either. He was probably really sick and needed rest. I was just about to get myself together, put the controller aside and take care of my homework when the doorbell rang. My parents were both at work, so I was alone in the house. Of course, that also meant that it was up to me to see who was ringing. So I rolled off the cushion, quickly turned off the screen and then trotted leisurely down the stairs to the ground floor. I wondered briefly whether Marius was even waiting outside the entrance. But I had least expected the person who was actually standing in front of the door.
Meanwhile, light rain was falling outside and his otherwise neatly styled hair had already suffered a little from it. He was still wearing the same extravagant, tight-fitting long-sleeved shirt as in the morning. I still remembered the golden glitter print on the front very well. Now, however, the fabric was quite damp in some places. He didn't seem to have a jacket with him. The usual female companion was also missing. He had probably come here all alone.
‘What are you doing here... Juuliaan?’ I asked him when I had recovered from my surprise. I deliberately pronounced his name with this emphasis. I didn't really want to annoy him with it, because I wasn't really one of those who bullied him. But a few times he had also heard me say something stupid. I didn't really like the way he was treated sometimes. However, my pity was usually limited, after all, there was never any physical assault. Besides, he always had his defenders around him. I had often been annoyed that hardly any of the teachers seemed to be bothered by the constant cackling in his corner, while Marius and I had been reprimanded countless times for talking to each other during class. Of course, I wondered what he wanted from me. I immediately remembered our exchange of glances that morning and suspected that his visit was somehow related to that.
Julian seemed undecided about whether to say something or just leave. Finally he said, ‘Just forget it. It wasn't a good idea for me to come here.’
I thought I detected a hint of desperation in his voice. As he had already turned away from me again and was walking with his shoulders slumped the few steps to where his bike was parked under our carport, I called out to him: ‘Just wait a minute!’
He hesitated, stopped and turned around to me. A few raindrops were running down his face. Damn, were those perhaps even tears? Was he crying?
‘Now tell me what's going on!’ I shouted at him. My voice sounded more annoyed than I had intended, so I added in a slightly friendlier tone: ’Come inside for now. It's getting pretty wet out here.’
The rain was actually just picking up and the wet patches on Julian's shirt were getting bigger. Without a word, he followed me into the house.
‘Are you going to tell me what you're doing here?’ I asked him after I closed the front door behind us. When he hadn't responded after a few seconds, I addressed him again: ‘Dschulien?’
This time I tried to pronounce his name the way he liked it. I even gave him a brief smile, even though it took a little effort because I was still rather annoyed by his unexpected appearance.
‘It's about Marius,‘ he replied hesitantly, his head bowed. He spoke so softly that at first I wasn't sure if I'd understood him correctly.
’Marius? What about Marius?’ I asked back.
I immediately felt a sense of fear rising up inside me. Had something bad happened to Marius? Was that why he hadn't been at school? Had he perhaps been in an accident with his scooter? But how did Julian know about it and why was he telling me?
Instead of giving me an answer, he shyly replied, ‘He's not here with you, is he?’
‘Do you mean Marius?‘ I replied, perplexed. I didn't understand anything anymore. Julian looked at me quizzically and seemed to be waiting for me to react. So I said, “What makes you think Marius could be here with me?”
’He wasn't at school today,’ Julian replied hesitantly, without making any sense to me, let alone answering my question.
‘Yes, well, I noticed that he was absent today too,’ I snapped at him. When I saw how violently Julian winced, I immediately regretted my short-tempered reaction. He seemed on the verge of bursting into tears.
It slowly dawned on me that Julian hadn't been so interested in me that morning, but rather in the empty chair next to me where Marius usually sat.
‘Hey, it's okay,‘ I tried to calm him down. I tried to make my voice sound as friendly as possible. “Just say what's wrong. What do you want from Marius? What's wrong with him?”
’I can't just tell you that,‘ Julian hemmed and hawed.
’Did something happen to him?’
Julian shook his head and said, ‘No, not exactly. Damn it, I don't know! Maybe.’
‘What is that supposed to mean? What is this all about?’
I was slowly running out of patience. My voice was getting louder again, too. Because I couldn't make sense of any of it, my mind was searching for possible explanations. Had Marius and Julian had an argument, maybe even a physical one? Had Marius possibly lost and been given a black eye? Was he not at school because he was ashamed of being physically inferior to a gay man, or had he even been seriously injured? Did Julian perhaps want to apologise to Marius now that he was apparently looking for him? None of this made any sense, though. Marius was just not the type to beat someone up. He was one of the most peace-loving people I knew, and had never done anything to Julian before. I hadn't heard a single stupid thing about gays from his mouth either.
Julian started to explain again: ‘He wasn't at school. He's apparently not at home either. And his phone has been off all day.’
Now I was completely confused. Julian's statements still didn't shed any light on the matter and only raised new questions for me.
"How do you know he's not at home? And how did you get his mobile number in the first place?’
‘I drove by his house right after school. Nobody answers the door, even though I rang the bell at least ten times. And his mobile phone always goes straight to voicemail. I've already left a few messages and sent loads of text messages, but he doesn't seem to be checking his phone.’
I shook my head uncomprehendingly and interrupted him: ‘Sorry, but I really don't get what you're doing here. Can you maybe explain to me what you have to do with Marius? And why did you come to me at all?’
He looked up at me shyly and asked, ‘You are his best friend, aren't you?’
‘You could say that,’ I replied, nodding.
‘Then you must have noticed that he hasn't been feeling well lately, right?’ he said hesitantly.
‘Huh?’ I replied, confused. ’What should I have noticed? You don't even know Marius, and now you're telling me that he's not doing well? What makes you say that?’
‘Man, you're really totally insensitive!’ Julian suddenly snapped at me angrily. Now it was me who flinched because I hadn't anticipated this abrupt outburst of emotion. “He's been feeling like crap for months and you haven't even noticed!”
Something in his words made me think. If I thought about it carefully, there actually seemed to be some truth to his claim. Marius had really been quieter than usual lately, and sometimes I had even had the impression that he was somehow depressed. He had mostly faked being in a good mood and thus repeatedly convinced me that I was imagining his mood swings, but in fact I had somehow noticed that he had changed. It was just that I had never thought about it for very long.
Julian and I were still standing across from each other in the hallway. By now, all my annoyance at his sudden appearance and his opaque behaviour had vanished. I walked a few steps up the stairs that led to my realm – the converted attic – and squatted down on one of the steps. I slid a little towards the wall and gestured towards the free space next to me.
‘Okay, have a seat first,’ I addressed Julian again. ’What do you care about Marius anyway? You don't even know him.’
‘I definitely know him better than you think,’ he replied grimly. However, he did not comply with my request to sit down next to me. He seemed to prefer to remain standing. And then he added, almost aggressively, ’Maybe I know him even better than you!’
‘Hardly,’ I replied poisonously, after all, Marius and I had played together in the sandbox since we were little children. Since then, nothing had ever been able to separate us. ’Okay, you've noticed that he's not in a good mood. I just didn't notice that. Still, I don't understand what business it is of yours anyway.’
Julian snorted contemptuously and said, ‘Man, we're just wasting time here. I just wanted to know if you could think of anywhere he might be, not have a long discussion with you.’
"Then just say what's actually going on here!’
‘Man, I'm worried about Marius!’ he shouted at me, wiping away a tear that had just run from his eye with the back of his hand. “Something happened yesterday afternoon and after that Marius was totally devastated,” he began to explain. He could only just suppress a sob. ’And now I'm afraid that he might have done something to himself or something.’
With growing horror, I listened to what Julian was telling me. Marius wanted to kill himself? Why? Julian now broke down completely into tears. I went to him, put my hands on his shoulders and shook him slightly.
‘Hey, you have to tell me what's going on now,‘ I insisted energetically. “What happened yesterday? Why do you think Marius might want to hurt himself?”
’Timo saw us,‘ Julian replied quietly, looking down. He had now regained some control over his sobbing.
’Who did Timo see?’ I asked.
‘Marius and me.‘
’Yes, and then?‘
’Marius was just leaving and as we were standing in the front door, I gave Marius a hug goodbye and that's when Timo passed our house on his bike. He doesn't live in the area at all. No idea why he was passing by there. Anyway, he saw us and looked quite surprised, and when I noticed that, I quickly pulled Marius back into the house, closed the door and then I told Marius that Timo had just seen us.’
The words now just poured out of Julian, but still didn't really make sense to me. I wasn't surprised that Julian was afraid of Timo. Timo was pretty much the most homophobic guy in our year. He was the one who talked the most shit about Julian and bullied him the most. To be honest, I thought Timo was a real arsehole, even though he was also in the gang that Marius and I belonged to. After all, our gang consisted of a lot of people, so inevitably there were a few who couldn't stand each other.
Once I had digested Julian's words to some extent, a number of questions arose in my mind. Why was Marius at Julian's house? What did he want there? I would also like to know what Julian was thinking when he put his arms around Marius. And why the hell did Marius let him?
For the time being, however, I held back and just wanted to know from Julian: ‘Why was Marius at your place?’
After some hesitation, my counterpart replied: ‘Marius can talk to me about his problems.’
He looked at me accusingly, as if it were actually my job to take care of Marius. And somehow he was right, after all, I fancied myself as Marius' best friend. The cogs in my head kept turning. By now I had a vague idea of what could have disturbed Marius so much that Julian was now so worried about him.
I told him what I had worked out: ‘Okay, so Marius is now afraid that Timo might think that he might be... gay?’
Julian just nodded after listening to my hesitant conclusion.
‘But Marius isn't really gay, is he?’ I added after thinking about it for a few more seconds.
Actually, it didn't even seem necessary to ask the question. My best mate was definitely not gay. It just couldn't be. But Julian just stared at me. He didn't nod this time, but he didn't shake his head either, and he didn't say a word. For a few seconds, we just looked into each other's eyes.
‘Marius is gay?’ I suddenly blurted out, half in disbelief, half in surprise.
Julian turned his gaze back to the ground and said softly and hesitantly, ’I think he'd better tell you that himself.’
Actually, Julian had already answered my question, and the way he looked me in the eye again, he knew that the situation was now completely clear to me. He seemed to be waiting for a reaction from me. He probably wanted to see how I dealt with the new knowledge. At the moment, however, I simply couldn't believe that my best friend was really gay. I wondered whether Julian was just trying to wind me up. He seemed completely credible to me, though.