07-10-2025, 02:53 PM
The sky was grey and overcast when I looked out of the window. It was just as grey and cloudy as the last twenty or thirty times I had looked out borededly in the last quarter of an hour. The view from the second floor onto the school grounds was pretty dismal. From my position, only a narrow strip of the deserted, grey-paved playground was visible. Further back, the weathered facade of our school gym towered up. In between was a narrow flower bed. In a few weeks, a rather modest display of flowers would unfold there, but only if no one trampled everything down beforehand. Now in March, however, the puny bushes and the other small plants were still bare and just as bleak as everything else.
At some point, Mr Mautner, the head of our history class, noticed that I was staring out the window most of the time. ‘Lennart!’ he called to me. ‘I can't imagine that anything more exciting is happening out there than in here in my class.’
I didn't dare to contradict him, although I was pretty sure that looking at the ornate decorations on the gymnasium's façade was at least marginally more entertaining.
Normally Marius sat next to me, but that morning his chair was empty. I was used to killing time with non-educational activities with him. Our teachers often noticed this, but we had never received anything worse than a reprimand – similar to the one we had just received – for it. Without Marius, I was miserably bored. Of course, I wondered what was wrong with my best friend, whether he was ill or just didn't feel like going to school. Normally, Marius didn't skip school, so an illness seemed more likely to me.
I let my eyes wander around the room without interest and was suddenly taken aback when I saw Julian, who sat at the front of the classroom in the opposite corner, suddenly cast a shy glance over his shoulder, exactly in my direction. Was he really looking at me? When I raised my eyebrows in wonder, he jumped in fright and quickly turned away again. Now I was quite sure that he had looked at me.
There are a few things you need to know about Julian. For one thing, he insists that his first name be pronounced in English, so ‘Dschulien’. However, most of the rest of us still call him ‘Julian’, if only because we know that you can annoy him very easily by pronouncing his name in German. Only the teachers and a couple of girls who always sit near him always honour Julian's wish. The latter are also the only ones who are friends with him. Whenever possible, they form a protective barrier around Julian with their bodies to shield him from the rest of us. But they can't prevent him from overhearing the snide remarks that the rest of the class occasionally makes about him. An angry ‘Just leave him alone!’ is the standard reaction of Julian's friends. If their looks could kill, at least half of the rest of us would have died a miserable death by now. The girls around him are not exactly the kind of girls I'm usually interested in. By that I mean that they are not exactly the most attractive. One of them definitely weighs a few kilos too many and the one with the glasses is a total nerd. But you can't call Julian a nerd. His academic performance is probably around average. Besides, he rarely raises his hand in class. But he doesn't stutter or have any kind of disability. He's also not ugly or fat, doesn't wear glasses and doesn't dress in cheap clothes. No, quite the opposite! He's actually quite good-looking, but somehow different from us normal guys. He dresses quite extravagantly. You could put it this way: every detail about him is always styled to perfection. I'm pretty sure he even uses make-up. What I'm trying to say is this: Julian is gay. He's never really come out in public, but somehow everyone knows. You can just tell by looking at him.
He usually only chats and giggles with his female followers and completely ignores the rest of his classmates, as if we don't even exist. When he does turn to his female friends sitting behind him, he always does so with his eyes cast down, so as not to have to look anyone else in the eye. So why had he stared directly at me in the back row earlier? Now I also noticed that it was quieter than usual in his corner at the front today. It was really noticeable that the usual chatter and giggling between him and his foot soldiers was missing. Instead, they were whispering to each other seriously, really huddling together so that no one else would hear what was being said. I was about to turn my gaze away from the group again when suddenly one of Julian's friends looked back at me. I couldn't quite read the expression on her face. Was she looking at me angrily? Or somehow at a loss? I wondered what was going on up front. Were they whispering about me? I couldn't remember attracting Julian's attention in any way in the last few days. Hopefully he didn't think I'd gone over to the other side just because I'd broken up with Jasmine last week. If that was the case, I would have had to make it very clear to him that I had had my eye on Franziska for quite some time and was pretty sure that I would end up in bed with her by the end of April at the latest. When Julian stopped paying attention to me, I turned my attention back to other things. A few minutes later, I had almost forgotten the whole thing.
In the afternoon, I was lying lazily on the couch in my room, the Playstation controller in my hand. In the hour I had been home, I had tried to contact Marius twice by mobile phone to find out what was wrong with him, but only ever reached his voicemail. He hadn't responded to three text messages either. He was probably really sick and needed rest. I was just about to get myself together, put the controller aside and take care of my homework when the doorbell rang. My parents were both at work, so I was alone in the house. Of course, that also meant that it was up to me to see who was ringing. So I rolled off the cushion, quickly turned off the screen and then trotted leisurely down the stairs to the ground floor. I wondered briefly whether Marius was even waiting outside the entrance. But I had least expected the person who was actually standing in front of the door.
Meanwhile, light rain was falling outside and his otherwise neatly styled hair had already suffered a little from it. He was still wearing the same extravagant, tight-fitting long-sleeved shirt as in the morning. I still remembered the golden glitter print on the front very well. Now, however, the fabric was quite damp in some places. He didn't seem to have a jacket with him. The usual female companion was also missing. He had probably come here all alone.
‘What are you doing here... Juuliaan?’ I asked him when I had recovered from my surprise. I deliberately pronounced his name with this emphasis. I didn't really want to annoy him with it, because I wasn't really one of those who bullied him. But a few times he had also heard me say something stupid. I didn't really like the way he was treated sometimes. However, my pity was usually limited, after all, there was never any physical assault. Besides, he always had his defenders around him. I had often been annoyed that hardly any of the teachers seemed to be bothered by the constant cackling in his corner, while Marius and I had been reprimanded countless times for talking to each other during class. Of course, I wondered what he wanted from me. I immediately remembered our exchange of glances that morning and suspected that his visit was somehow related to that.
Julian seemed undecided about whether to say something or just leave. Finally he said, ‘Just forget it. It wasn't a good idea for me to come here.’
I thought I detected a hint of desperation in his voice. As he had already turned away from me again and was walking with his shoulders slumped the few steps to where his bike was parked under our carport, I called out to him: ‘Just wait a minute!’
He hesitated, stopped and turned around to me. A few raindrops were running down his face. Damn, were those perhaps even tears? Was he crying?
‘Now tell me what's going on!’ I shouted at him. My voice sounded more annoyed than I had intended, so I added in a slightly friendlier tone: ’Come inside for now. It's getting pretty wet out here.’
The rain was actually just picking up and the wet patches on Julian's shirt were getting bigger. Without a word, he followed me into the house.
‘Are you going to tell me what you're doing here?’ I asked him after I closed the front door behind us. When he hadn't responded after a few seconds, I addressed him again: ‘Dschulien?’
This time I tried to pronounce his name the way he liked it. I even gave him a brief smile, even though it took a little effort because I was still rather annoyed by his unexpected appearance.
‘It's about Marius,‘ he replied hesitantly, his head bowed. He spoke so softly that at first I wasn't sure if I'd understood him correctly.
’Marius? What about Marius?’ I asked back.
I immediately felt a sense of fear rising up inside me. Had something bad happened to Marius? Was that why he hadn't been at school? Had he perhaps been in an accident with his scooter? But how did Julian know about it and why was he telling me?
Instead of giving me an answer, he shyly replied, ‘He's not here with you, is he?’
‘Do you mean Marius?‘ I replied, perplexed. I didn't understand anything anymore. Julian looked at me quizzically and seemed to be waiting for me to react. So I said, “What makes you think Marius could be here with me?”
’He wasn't at school today,’ Julian replied hesitantly, without making any sense to me, let alone answering my question.
‘Yes, well, I noticed that he was absent today too,’ I snapped at him. When I saw how violently Julian winced, I immediately regretted my short-tempered reaction. He seemed on the verge of bursting into tears.
It slowly dawned on me that Julian hadn't been so interested in me that morning, but rather in the empty chair next to me where Marius usually sat.
‘Hey, it's okay,‘ I tried to calm him down. I tried to make my voice sound as friendly as possible. “Just say what's wrong. What do you want from Marius? What's wrong with him?”
’I can't just tell you that,‘ Julian hemmed and hawed.
’Did something happen to him?’
Julian shook his head and said, ‘No, not exactly. Damn it, I don't know! Maybe.’
‘What is that supposed to mean? What is this all about?’
I was slowly running out of patience. My voice was getting louder again, too. Because I couldn't make sense of any of it, my mind was searching for possible explanations. Had Marius and Julian had an argument, maybe even a physical one? Had Marius possibly lost and been given a black eye? Was he not at school because he was ashamed of being physically inferior to a gay man, or had he even been seriously injured? Did Julian perhaps want to apologise to Marius now that he was apparently looking for him? None of this made any sense, though. Marius was just not the type to beat someone up. He was one of the most peace-loving people I knew, and had never done anything to Julian before. I hadn't heard a single stupid thing about gays from his mouth either.
Julian started to explain again: ‘He wasn't at school. He's apparently not at home either. And his phone has been off all day.’
Now I was completely confused. Julian's statements still didn't shed any light on the matter and only raised new questions for me.
"How do you know he's not at home? And how did you get his mobile number in the first place?’
‘I drove by his house right after school. Nobody answers the door, even though I rang the bell at least ten times. And his mobile phone always goes straight to voicemail. I've already left a few messages and sent loads of text messages, but he doesn't seem to be checking his phone.’
I shook my head uncomprehendingly and interrupted him: ‘Sorry, but I really don't get what you're doing here. Can you maybe explain to me what you have to do with Marius? And why did you come to me at all?’
He looked up at me shyly and asked, ‘You are his best friend, aren't you?’
‘You could say that,’ I replied, nodding.
‘Then you must have noticed that he hasn't been feeling well lately, right?’ he said hesitantly.
‘Huh?’ I replied, confused. ’What should I have noticed? You don't even know Marius, and now you're telling me that he's not doing well? What makes you say that?’
‘Man, you're really totally insensitive!’ Julian suddenly snapped at me angrily. Now it was me who flinched because I hadn't anticipated this abrupt outburst of emotion. “He's been feeling like crap for months and you haven't even noticed!”
Something in his words made me think. If I thought about it carefully, there actually seemed to be some truth to his claim. Marius had really been quieter than usual lately, and sometimes I had even had the impression that he was somehow depressed. He had mostly faked being in a good mood and thus repeatedly convinced me that I was imagining his mood swings, but in fact I had somehow noticed that he had changed. It was just that I had never thought about it for very long.
Julian and I were still standing across from each other in the hallway. By now, all my annoyance at his sudden appearance and his opaque behaviour had vanished. I walked a few steps up the stairs that led to my realm – the converted attic – and squatted down on one of the steps. I slid a little towards the wall and gestured towards the free space next to me.
‘Okay, have a seat first,’ I addressed Julian again. ’What do you care about Marius anyway? You don't even know him.’
‘I definitely know him better than you think,’ he replied grimly. However, he did not comply with my request to sit down next to me. He seemed to prefer to remain standing. And then he added, almost aggressively, ’Maybe I know him even better than you!’
‘Hardly,’ I replied poisonously, after all, Marius and I had played together in the sandbox since we were little children. Since then, nothing had ever been able to separate us. ’Okay, you've noticed that he's not in a good mood. I just didn't notice that. Still, I don't understand what business it is of yours anyway.’
Julian snorted contemptuously and said, ‘Man, we're just wasting time here. I just wanted to know if you could think of anywhere he might be, not have a long discussion with you.’
"Then just say what's actually going on here!’
‘Man, I'm worried about Marius!’ he shouted at me, wiping away a tear that had just run from his eye with the back of his hand. “Something happened yesterday afternoon and after that Marius was totally devastated,” he began to explain. He could only just suppress a sob. ’And now I'm afraid that he might have done something to himself or something.’
With growing horror, I listened to what Julian was telling me. Marius wanted to kill himself? Why? Julian now broke down completely into tears. I went to him, put my hands on his shoulders and shook him slightly.
‘Hey, you have to tell me what's going on now,‘ I insisted energetically. “What happened yesterday? Why do you think Marius might want to hurt himself?”
’Timo saw us,‘ Julian replied quietly, looking down. He had now regained some control over his sobbing.
’Who did Timo see?’ I asked.
‘Marius and me.‘
’Yes, and then?‘
’Marius was just leaving and as we were standing in the front door, I gave Marius a hug goodbye and that's when Timo passed our house on his bike. He doesn't live in the area at all. No idea why he was passing by there. Anyway, he saw us and looked quite surprised, and when I noticed that, I quickly pulled Marius back into the house, closed the door and then I told Marius that Timo had just seen us.’
The words now just poured out of Julian, but still didn't really make sense to me. I wasn't surprised that Julian was afraid of Timo. Timo was pretty much the most homophobic guy in our year. He was the one who talked the most shit about Julian and bullied him the most. To be honest, I thought Timo was a real arsehole, even though he was also in the gang that Marius and I belonged to. After all, our gang consisted of a lot of people, so inevitably there were a few who couldn't stand each other.
Once I had digested Julian's words to some extent, a number of questions arose in my mind. Why was Marius at Julian's house? What did he want there? I would also like to know what Julian was thinking when he put his arms around Marius. And why the hell did Marius let him?
For the time being, however, I held back and just wanted to know from Julian: ‘Why was Marius at your place?’
After some hesitation, my counterpart replied: ‘Marius can talk to me about his problems.’
He looked at me accusingly, as if it were actually my job to take care of Marius. And somehow he was right, after all, I fancied myself as Marius' best friend. The cogs in my head kept turning. By now I had a vague idea of what could have disturbed Marius so much that Julian was now so worried about him.
I told him what I had worked out: ‘Okay, so Marius is now afraid that Timo might think that he might be... gay?’
Julian just nodded after listening to my hesitant conclusion.
‘But Marius isn't really gay, is he?’ I added after thinking about it for a few more seconds.
Actually, it didn't even seem necessary to ask the question. My best mate was definitely not gay. It just couldn't be. But Julian just stared at me. He didn't nod this time, but he didn't shake his head either, and he didn't say a word. For a few seconds, we just looked into each other's eyes.
‘Marius is gay?’ I suddenly blurted out, half in disbelief, half in surprise.
Julian turned his gaze back to the ground and said softly and hesitantly, ’I think he'd better tell you that himself.’
Actually, Julian had already answered my question, and the way he looked me in the eye again, he knew that the situation was now completely clear to me. He seemed to be waiting for a reaction from me. He probably wanted to see how I dealt with the new knowledge. At the moment, however, I simply couldn't believe that my best friend was really gay. I wondered whether Julian was just trying to wind me up. He seemed completely credible to me, though.
‘You're not trying to tell me that you two...’ I followed up after we had been silent for a while, but I didn't finish the sentence.
Julian shook his head violently anyway and said quietly, ‘We're just friends.’
Friends. Wow! I hadn't even realised that the two of them had ever exchanged a word with each other. The fact that Marius never spoke contemptuously about Julian, let alone humiliated him in any way, but rather seemed to get angry when he heard something like that, had never made me think. I just believed that Marius was a decent person – a more decent person than myself, at least. I would never have believed that the two knew each other. And certainly not that my best mate was...
‘We really have to take care of Marius now, okay?’ Julian pulled me out of my thoughts. ’It's all pretty hard for him anyway. And then Timo of all people has to see us together. The only good thing is that Marius didn't recognise anyone!’
‘What?‘ I exclaimed. “Then why did Marius freak out so much?”
’Because he had no way of knowing that Timo didn't recognise him!’ This morning Timo gave me a hard time and asked me who the guy was that he saw me with and if he was my lover. Until then, I also believed that Timo had recognised Marius. But since then I'm pretty sure that Timo really has no idea that it was Marius I was hugging yesterday. Timo wouldn't keep something like that to himself, would he? Of course I called Marius immediately afterwards and sent him a text message so that he doesn't have to be afraid anymore, but I already told you that his phone is off. Maybe he can't even turn it on because he's already dead!"
With that, Julian brought me to my senses. Immediately, my concern for my best buddy returned. We really had to act quickly.
‘Marius would never do anything to hurt himself,’ I quickly tried to reassure Julian, who was sobbing violently again and shedding a few tears. I was actually sure that his fear that Marius might want to kill himself was completely exaggerated. But how could I be so sure? Until now, I had thought I knew my best friend well. At the moment, however, I was anything but sure whether I was right in my assessment. It was likely that Marius had just not dared to go to school after yesterday's event, had stayed in bed, switched off his mobile phone and ignored the doorbell. But that was no more than a guess. I couldn't seem to convince Julian either. I put my hands on his shoulders again, this time not as roughly as before, but gently and reassuringly. I looked him in the eye and said, ‘We'll go look for him, okay?’
Immediately, some of the burden seemed to fall away from Julian. He was no longer alone in his concern for Marius.
‘Come upstairs quickly!’ I called to him, while I myself was already sprinting up the stairs to the attic. I looked back briefly and saw him quickly wiping a tear from his eye, while he was already slowly following me upstairs.
The rain was drumming wildly against the slanted skylight as I entered my room. It had increased significantly in strength again. Normally, you wouldn't have chased a dog out the door in this weather. But Julian and I had no other choice if we wanted to go looking for Marius. I opened my wardrobe. I had been in the football club until last year and had played in the B-youth team. From that time, I still had a rain jacket made of black nylon with a wide yellow stripe at chest height. On the back were the club's name and an advertising imprint of some sponsor. I had hardly ever needed the jacket and therefore didn't know how waterproof it was. As I took it off the hanger, I looked around for Julian again. He was apparently still hesitant to enter my realm. Instead, he was outside the open door of my room, busy with his mobile phone.
‘Just the voicemail again,’ he informed me. He had obviously just tried to reach Marius again. I waved him over and handed him the jacket that I had just fished out of the wardrobe. When he looked at me questioningly, I pointed to the window, over which the rain was pouring in thick streams, and said, ’You'll need this.’
‘Oh,‘ he said in surprise and reached for the garment. Apparently, he hadn't even noticed the pattering of the rain, which couldn't really be ignored up here under the roof.
’Listen,’ I said, turning back to the closet. “We'll stop by Marius” house first. You've already been there, but maybe he just didn't open the door.’
When I looked back at Julian, he was busy threading the zip of the jacket I had given him. He nodded and made an affirmative sound, but it sounded as if he wasn't particularly convinced by my plan. He seemed pretty sure that we wouldn't find Marius at home.
‘If he's not there, I have another idea, okay?’ I added.
In the meantime, I had found a light grey hoodie and even a second rain jacket. The jacket was made of fairly thin nylon and didn't look particularly waterproof, but hopefully it would be enough to go with the hoodie. I had received it the previous year because I had helped as a marshal at a nationally known triathlon competition. It was neon green and also had some kind of advertising print. Because it had been warm and dry on the day of the event, I hadn't needed it then and hadn't worn it since. It was still originally shrink-wrapped in plastic. Now that I had my outfit together, I quickly took off the plaid shirt that I had previously worn open over a T-shirt and slipped into the hooded sweatshirt. I left the hood on my head and tied the cord. Julian had meanwhile closed the zip of his rain jacket and was standing around indecisively.
‘The jacket has a hood in the back of the collar, in case you want to put it on,’ I said to him.
‘Okay,’ he replied and reached with one hand behind his neck to the back of the jacket collar, where he immediately felt a Velcro fastener. He opened it, fumbled out the hood and pulled it awkwardly over his head. I myself had never used this hood before. A few of the other guys on my team had worn the hoods of their team rain jackets a few times and I thought they looked pretty stupid with them. I'd rather accept a wet hairstyle than pull this rain protection over my head. Today, however, I would have put it on, especially since my hair was longer now and sometimes blocked my view when it was wet. The hood had an integrated elasticated band that somehow strangely pulled the fabric together at the forehead and Velcro tabs that allowed you to close it at the front of the chin. Julian had already discovered these things too. He pressed the two halves of the Velcro fastener together so that the hood would not slip off his head afterwards. I myself had long since torn open the plastic wrap that the green rain jacket was packed in, carelessly dropped the cover and hastily unfolded the jacket.
‘Let's go!’ I urged Julian, pointing in the direction of the stairs. As I followed him down the steps, I noticed that my second rain jacket also had a hood hidden in the collar with Velcro. I quickly took it out and only then slipped into the jacket. I came to an abrupt halt on the bottom step. In all the rush, I hadn't thought of everything.
‘Damn, I forgot my keys,’ I called to Julian. ‘You go out first!’
So I turned around, ran back up the stairs and zipped up my jacket, which I had meanwhile put on. With my key, I was back on my way down just a few seconds later and quickly locked the front door after slipping into my trainers. Julian was already waiting on his bike under the carport. I still had to get my own mountain bike out of the wooden shed that my father had not quite expertly built against the side wall of our house a few years ago. By the time I got there, I had also pulled the hood of my rain jacket over the hood of my sweatshirt. I could already feel the first drops pelting down on the nylon fabric. Unlike the hood of Julian's rain jacket, mine had a drawstring to tie. But I left it at that, tightening the hood a little with the drawstring. Just like the whole jacket, the hood felt quite thin. So I had no illusions that the two hoods would be enough to keep my head dry in the long run. That didn't really matter. The only thing that mattered to me was that we found Marius as quickly as possible.
We rode our bikes through the narrow streets of the housing estate, took a left turn at full speed, then turned right again. The ends of the drawstring on my rain jacket fluttered in the wind. I had to keep pulling on them to stop the second hood from blowing off my head. Although I mostly kept my eyes on the road, so that the top of my head, protected by the hoods, got the most rain, cold rain splashed into my face. After just a minute, my jeans were completely soaked through in the thigh area. After three minutes, I felt like I was soaked to the skin in almost all the areas below the waist. Fortunately, we had almost arrived at Marius' house by then.
The area in front of the front door, where we also parked our bikes, was covered, so we were finally standing in the dry again. Nevertheless, neither Julian nor I thought of taking off our hoods or wiping our faces dry. Instead, our thumbs reached for the doorbell almost simultaneously. We pressed it several times in turn, but nobody opened. Marius‘ parents, like both of my parents, both worked and usually didn't come home until late afternoon or early evening. Just like me, he had no brothers or sisters who could have opened the door for us. When there was still no movement in the house after a minute, I walked the few metres to the garage and peered through a small window into the interior. I was not surprised that neither of his parents’ cars was there. I wasn't particularly interested in that either. I found it more revealing that the space in the corner where Marius normally parked his scooter was also empty. This discovery finally convinced me that Marius was not in the house. I ran back to Julian, who had stopped at the front door and was continuing to ring the doorbell, and informed him of my latest findings.
‘Do you know the allotment garden area on the outskirts of town?‘ I asked him, pointing to the southeast.
’Of course I know it.‘
’Marius‘ parents have a plot of land there with a little house on it. It's possible that Marius is there.’
"Then let's go there!’
‘But it's quite a way to get there,’ I objected. ’Four or five kilometres. And we're already dripping wet. And whether he's really there...’
I didn't finish the sentence and shrugged my shoulders in resignation. Julian looked at me angrily from under his hood. He didn't need to say anything else; his expression alone was enough to make me give in.
‘Let's go,’ I said, getting back on my bike. Before I set off, I ran my hand between my two hoods to check. Against my expectations, the hood of my sweatshirt still felt reasonably dry. It was only really wet at the front. I quickly shook the raindrops off the hood of my rain jacket before tightening it again, this time properly. The loop I had made in the cord then slipped right in front of my mouth while riding, but this was not nearly as unpleasant as the wet cold that crept up my legs into my entire body. After a while, I could feel the rain slowly penetrating my clothes in the chest area and on my arms. A few strands of hair had also slipped out of my hoods and were hanging in front of my eyes, soaking wet. But I didn't even bother to stuff them back under my headgear because my hands on the handlebars had become completely numb from the cold rain. Julian stuck close to my back wheel the whole time, even though I had actually thought I was the sportier of the two of us. By now, though, I was already panting quite heavily and could hardly keep up the pace. Fortunately, we were now riding on a bike path and no longer had to watch out for traffic, especially since we weren't obstructing any other cyclists in this weather.
To our right, the first allotments finally appeared. After a few more metres, I turned into a narrow lane with Julian in tow and finally stopped in front of a metal garden gate. Julian had immediately jumped off the bike and pointed to the wooden house about fifteen metres away on the property.
‘Is this it?’ he wanted to know.
After I had answered his question in the affirmative, he immediately opened the gate and ran towards the small building. While I still had reservations about following him, because I secretly feared that we might find Marius dead in this house, he was already pounding on the door and shouting: ‘Marius? Marius? Are you in there?’
I summoned up all my courage and hesitantly followed him onto the property. When I had approached Julian to within two or three metres, he turned to me.
‘There's someone in there,’ he said with a somewhat relieved expression on his face. ‘I can hear some noises.’
I pointed to a small satellite dish below the roof gutter and replied: ‘There's a TV in there.’
Suddenly it seemed quite likely to me that we would really find Marius here. When I spotted his scooter, hidden behind a neatly trimmed hedge, I was even completely sure. The noises coming from the house didn't necessarily mean that Marius was safe and sound. Julian seemed to agree, because his face now reflected fear and tension again. The fact that Marius didn't react at all to the loud knocking worried me just as much as it did him.
Hesitantly, Julian pushed down the handle and finally realised that the door was not locked. After opening it a crack, he peeked into the room. A second later, he tore the door open and stormed inside. I hesitated to follow him, but from where I was standing I could clearly see Julian pulling the hood off his head inside and quickly slipping out of his wet rain jacket. He threw it aside carelessly and then knelt down on the floor between the low table and the couch at the back of the room. Since we had already had a few barbecues here, the rooms and the furniture were immediately familiar to me. I took a few steps closer, but stopped again about a metre in front of the front door. It was quite dark inside because all the shutters were closed. There was a lamp hanging over the table, but it wasn't switched on. Therefore, only the TV screen and the light that fell through the open door provided a little brightness. Despite all this, I could see that a person was lying on the couch under a blanket. I even thought I saw the blanket rise and fall slightly. Probably I imagined that because of the constant changes in light caused by the TV picture, but only imagined. I probably just didn't dare to think that the person, who could only be Marius, might not be breathing at all.
Julian was now gently stroking the covered body. I could hear him say Marius' name several times and keep asking if he was all right. I didn't notice any movement under the covers, though. The TV and the patter of the rain drowned out Julian's words, so I didn't really understand some of what he said. I had no sense of how long I stood there holding my breath. Probably only a few seconds passed before the person on the couch finally began to stir. Then I heard a grumble and a few moments later a sleepy voice sounded from under the blanket. I felt a weight lift from my chest. Nevertheless, I stayed where I was, even took a step to the side and leaned against the wall outside the door with a sigh. Only now did I notice that I was shaking all over. But I didn't know if it was because of the excitement or the cold emanating from my soaked clothes. Despite being relieved that Marius had apparently only been sleeping, I was unsure how I should behave now. There was my best friend, who I had known was gay for less than an hour. But it seemed to me as if there was a complete stranger in there, someone I didn't know at all.
The supposed stranger seemed to be slowly waking up. But I could still hardly understand his answers, which were rather monosyllabic at first, from out here because of the ambient noise. At first, Julian apparently wanted to make sure that Marius was really all right. He asked him if he had slept so soundly that he hadn't heard the loud knocking on the door. From the scraps of words I could catch of the answer, I gathered that Marius hadn't slept a wink the whole previous night and had come here in the morning instead of going to school. At some point, tiredness had got the better of him and he had fallen asleep in front of the television. My suspicion that he had simply not dared to go to school after yesterday's incident had been correct. I was a little proud of the fact that I seemed to be able to assess Marius better than Julian, who had immediately assumed the worst.
Once the TV set inside had been switched off, I was able to understand the two boys' conversation better. Because I now heard Marius's voice, which was so familiar to me, more clearly, the feeling that there was a stranger inside slowly began to disappear.
I heard him ask Julian: ’How did you even find me here? Did I ever tell you that my parents have the garden here?’
‘Nah, Lennart told me that you might be here.‘
’Lenny?‘
I wasn't sure if I heard only surprise or also fear in Marius’ voice when he pronounced my name. Was he afraid of me, his best buddy? Uneasily, I waited to hear how the conversation between the two continued.
‘Listen, Lennart knows you're gay,‘ Julian said in a soothing voice.
’Timo probably told everyone at school today, didn't he?‘ Marius replied resignedly.
’No, he didn't even recognise you yesterday!‘
’Really?’ Marius exclaimed immediately, relieved.
‘Yes, if you had your phone on, you would have known that by now. I've left a ton of messages on your voicemail and sent loads of text messages!‘
’Man, I just thought there were going to be loads of stupid messages from all sorts of people calling me a fag. I just didn't dare turn it on.’
For a while Marius sounded almost cheerful, but then he became serious again.
‘And how does Lenny know then?’ he suddenly wanted to know. ‘Did you tell him?’
Marius now seemed almost angry with Julian. I thought about whether I should finally go in to tell my friend that everything was fine. That I had no problem with him being gay. That he was still my best mate. But I wasn't sure if I was lying to him by doing so. So I stayed where I was and hoped that Julian would be able to calm Marius down again. I didn't quite catch how he responded to Marius' questions. In any case, Julian spared himself a lengthy explanation of the predicament he had been in, and did not explain to Marius that I had pestered him with questions for so long that he could no longer help but indirectly reveal the truth to me.
The next thing I clearly heard was a question from Marius: ‘Lenny has a problem with me being gay, doesn't he?’
‘I don't know,‘ Julian replied uncertainly after a brief hesitation.
’Of course he has a problem with it, otherwise he would have come here himself.’
I could clearly hear the tremor in Marius' voice. He seemed on the verge of bursting into tears. Suddenly, I realised how close it was to me, that he was so down. Spontaneously, I stepped into the door. Julian was still squatting on the floor right in front of Marius, blocking my buddy and me from seeing each other. Without the light from the TV, it was hard to see anything in the room anyway. So I fumbled for the light switch. Immediately, the room became much brighter.
‘I came with you, after all,’ I said at the same moment, loud enough for Marius to hear clearly.
He sat up abruptly and stared at me in surprise. I spotted a few tears under his eyes. Nevertheless, a broad grin suddenly spread across his face. At first, I didn't understand what had caused this abrupt change in mood. It was only when he said, ‘Man Lenny, look at you,’ that I realised I was still in the bright green rain jacket and had two tightly tied hoods on my head, one on top of the other. The bow that I had tied in the cord of the rain jacket hood hung crookedly in front of my chin, just below my lower lip, tickling the corner of my mouth. Because of all the excitement, I hadn't noticed it at all before. When I touched my forehead, I realised that the grey sweatshirt hood wasn't completely hidden under the green hood of the rain jacket, but was peeking out a bit from under it. I certainly looked totally stupid in my outfit. When I realised that, I burst out laughing. I flopped down into the old armchair opposite the sofa and doubled over with laughter. Marius also started snorting, but Julian just rolled his eyes at first. But then he couldn't hold back either.
The next morning I woke up with a scratchy throat. I took a sleepy glance at the glowing digits of my alarm clock. It wouldn't beep for another half hour. The longer I lay awake, the worse I felt. The journey through the rain had apparently not done me any good, especially since I had to wait quite a long time afterwards in my completely soaked clothes. I was afraid I had caught a bad cold. After I had rolled out of bed and walked unsteadily to the door, I looked down to the first floor. The lights were already on, so I trotted downstairs to tell my parents that there was no way I would be going to school that day. Back in the attic, I sent a short text message to Marius: ‘I'm sick! Can't go to school! Can you manage without me? Love, Lenny.’
Then I switched off my alarm clock and crawled back into bed. I had already fallen asleep again before I received a reply to my text message. I didn't have to worry about my best friend anymore. The problem with Timo had finally disappeared into thin air.
At some point, the ringtone of my mobile woke me up. I fumbled for it and answered in a hoarse voice.
I heard Marius say, ‘Hey, how are you?’ and croaked back, ‘I've got a cold!’
My alarm clock said 10:22 a.m. It was the big break at school.
‘I just wanted to quickly tell you that everything's fine here. No problems with Timo or anything. He's telling everyone that Julian has a lover now, but that doesn't bother Julian much. He's still totally relieved that nothing happened to me.’
Relief was still audible in Marius‘ voice. He had explained to me the day before in his parents’ garden shed that he wasn't really ready to come out, especially since he had to watch every day how cruelly Julian was treated. He said he himself couldn't stand it. He had always been terribly ashamed because he had never really stood up for Julian. He had apologised to him for that in private. That was about three weeks ago. Since then, the two had become friends in secret. After only a short time, Marius had gained so much trust in Julian that he confessed his own homosexuality to him.
I had assured Marius yesterday that I would stand by him no matter what happened, and that his secret was safe with me as long as he didn't want others to know about it as well. I had also assured him that we were still best friends. And I had meant that one hundred percent. Actually, I should have been a little angry with him because he hadn't trusted me more as his best friend. Even Julian's friends had found out about Marius being gay before I did. If he thought they were more reliable than me, allowing Julian to share his secret with them, then I must have done something wrong in the past. In any case, I had firmly resolved to do better in the future and had immediately apologised to Julian for not treating him better in the past. Instead of considering standing up for him in any way, I had sometimes even taken part in bullying. I guess I hurt Marius quite a bit because of that. So I gave him a lot of credit for still maintaining a close friendship with me anyway.
After we finished our phone call, I wondered if there was more developing between him and Julian than just friendship. Just 24 hours ago, such a thought would have shocked me completely. I had to admit that I still couldn't really warm to the idea, but I didn't find it really off-putting either. Actually, Julian was quite okay. Nevertheless, I couldn't let him challenge my position as Marius' best buddy. In that case, I'd rather he became his boyfriend.
I spent a few more minutes thinking about all the changes that would be coming and what I could do to make life easier for Marius and Julian. It even occurred to me that I found one of Julian's girlfriends quite attractive. Maybe something would come of it if things with Franziska and me didn't work out. But in the end I fell asleep again for a while.
At some point, Mr Mautner, the head of our history class, noticed that I was staring out the window most of the time. ‘Lennart!’ he called to me. ‘I can't imagine that anything more exciting is happening out there than in here in my class.’
I didn't dare to contradict him, although I was pretty sure that looking at the ornate decorations on the gymnasium's façade was at least marginally more entertaining.
Normally Marius sat next to me, but that morning his chair was empty. I was used to killing time with non-educational activities with him. Our teachers often noticed this, but we had never received anything worse than a reprimand – similar to the one we had just received – for it. Without Marius, I was miserably bored. Of course, I wondered what was wrong with my best friend, whether he was ill or just didn't feel like going to school. Normally, Marius didn't skip school, so an illness seemed more likely to me.
I let my eyes wander around the room without interest and was suddenly taken aback when I saw Julian, who sat at the front of the classroom in the opposite corner, suddenly cast a shy glance over his shoulder, exactly in my direction. Was he really looking at me? When I raised my eyebrows in wonder, he jumped in fright and quickly turned away again. Now I was quite sure that he had looked at me.
There are a few things you need to know about Julian. For one thing, he insists that his first name be pronounced in English, so ‘Dschulien’. However, most of the rest of us still call him ‘Julian’, if only because we know that you can annoy him very easily by pronouncing his name in German. Only the teachers and a couple of girls who always sit near him always honour Julian's wish. The latter are also the only ones who are friends with him. Whenever possible, they form a protective barrier around Julian with their bodies to shield him from the rest of us. But they can't prevent him from overhearing the snide remarks that the rest of the class occasionally makes about him. An angry ‘Just leave him alone!’ is the standard reaction of Julian's friends. If their looks could kill, at least half of the rest of us would have died a miserable death by now. The girls around him are not exactly the kind of girls I'm usually interested in. By that I mean that they are not exactly the most attractive. One of them definitely weighs a few kilos too many and the one with the glasses is a total nerd. But you can't call Julian a nerd. His academic performance is probably around average. Besides, he rarely raises his hand in class. But he doesn't stutter or have any kind of disability. He's also not ugly or fat, doesn't wear glasses and doesn't dress in cheap clothes. No, quite the opposite! He's actually quite good-looking, but somehow different from us normal guys. He dresses quite extravagantly. You could put it this way: every detail about him is always styled to perfection. I'm pretty sure he even uses make-up. What I'm trying to say is this: Julian is gay. He's never really come out in public, but somehow everyone knows. You can just tell by looking at him.
He usually only chats and giggles with his female followers and completely ignores the rest of his classmates, as if we don't even exist. When he does turn to his female friends sitting behind him, he always does so with his eyes cast down, so as not to have to look anyone else in the eye. So why had he stared directly at me in the back row earlier? Now I also noticed that it was quieter than usual in his corner at the front today. It was really noticeable that the usual chatter and giggling between him and his foot soldiers was missing. Instead, they were whispering to each other seriously, really huddling together so that no one else would hear what was being said. I was about to turn my gaze away from the group again when suddenly one of Julian's friends looked back at me. I couldn't quite read the expression on her face. Was she looking at me angrily? Or somehow at a loss? I wondered what was going on up front. Were they whispering about me? I couldn't remember attracting Julian's attention in any way in the last few days. Hopefully he didn't think I'd gone over to the other side just because I'd broken up with Jasmine last week. If that was the case, I would have had to make it very clear to him that I had had my eye on Franziska for quite some time and was pretty sure that I would end up in bed with her by the end of April at the latest. When Julian stopped paying attention to me, I turned my attention back to other things. A few minutes later, I had almost forgotten the whole thing.
In the afternoon, I was lying lazily on the couch in my room, the Playstation controller in my hand. In the hour I had been home, I had tried to contact Marius twice by mobile phone to find out what was wrong with him, but only ever reached his voicemail. He hadn't responded to three text messages either. He was probably really sick and needed rest. I was just about to get myself together, put the controller aside and take care of my homework when the doorbell rang. My parents were both at work, so I was alone in the house. Of course, that also meant that it was up to me to see who was ringing. So I rolled off the cushion, quickly turned off the screen and then trotted leisurely down the stairs to the ground floor. I wondered briefly whether Marius was even waiting outside the entrance. But I had least expected the person who was actually standing in front of the door.
Meanwhile, light rain was falling outside and his otherwise neatly styled hair had already suffered a little from it. He was still wearing the same extravagant, tight-fitting long-sleeved shirt as in the morning. I still remembered the golden glitter print on the front very well. Now, however, the fabric was quite damp in some places. He didn't seem to have a jacket with him. The usual female companion was also missing. He had probably come here all alone.
‘What are you doing here... Juuliaan?’ I asked him when I had recovered from my surprise. I deliberately pronounced his name with this emphasis. I didn't really want to annoy him with it, because I wasn't really one of those who bullied him. But a few times he had also heard me say something stupid. I didn't really like the way he was treated sometimes. However, my pity was usually limited, after all, there was never any physical assault. Besides, he always had his defenders around him. I had often been annoyed that hardly any of the teachers seemed to be bothered by the constant cackling in his corner, while Marius and I had been reprimanded countless times for talking to each other during class. Of course, I wondered what he wanted from me. I immediately remembered our exchange of glances that morning and suspected that his visit was somehow related to that.
Julian seemed undecided about whether to say something or just leave. Finally he said, ‘Just forget it. It wasn't a good idea for me to come here.’
I thought I detected a hint of desperation in his voice. As he had already turned away from me again and was walking with his shoulders slumped the few steps to where his bike was parked under our carport, I called out to him: ‘Just wait a minute!’
He hesitated, stopped and turned around to me. A few raindrops were running down his face. Damn, were those perhaps even tears? Was he crying?
‘Now tell me what's going on!’ I shouted at him. My voice sounded more annoyed than I had intended, so I added in a slightly friendlier tone: ’Come inside for now. It's getting pretty wet out here.’
The rain was actually just picking up and the wet patches on Julian's shirt were getting bigger. Without a word, he followed me into the house.
‘Are you going to tell me what you're doing here?’ I asked him after I closed the front door behind us. When he hadn't responded after a few seconds, I addressed him again: ‘Dschulien?’
This time I tried to pronounce his name the way he liked it. I even gave him a brief smile, even though it took a little effort because I was still rather annoyed by his unexpected appearance.
‘It's about Marius,‘ he replied hesitantly, his head bowed. He spoke so softly that at first I wasn't sure if I'd understood him correctly.
’Marius? What about Marius?’ I asked back.
I immediately felt a sense of fear rising up inside me. Had something bad happened to Marius? Was that why he hadn't been at school? Had he perhaps been in an accident with his scooter? But how did Julian know about it and why was he telling me?
Instead of giving me an answer, he shyly replied, ‘He's not here with you, is he?’
‘Do you mean Marius?‘ I replied, perplexed. I didn't understand anything anymore. Julian looked at me quizzically and seemed to be waiting for me to react. So I said, “What makes you think Marius could be here with me?”
’He wasn't at school today,’ Julian replied hesitantly, without making any sense to me, let alone answering my question.
‘Yes, well, I noticed that he was absent today too,’ I snapped at him. When I saw how violently Julian winced, I immediately regretted my short-tempered reaction. He seemed on the verge of bursting into tears.
It slowly dawned on me that Julian hadn't been so interested in me that morning, but rather in the empty chair next to me where Marius usually sat.
‘Hey, it's okay,‘ I tried to calm him down. I tried to make my voice sound as friendly as possible. “Just say what's wrong. What do you want from Marius? What's wrong with him?”
’I can't just tell you that,‘ Julian hemmed and hawed.
’Did something happen to him?’
Julian shook his head and said, ‘No, not exactly. Damn it, I don't know! Maybe.’
‘What is that supposed to mean? What is this all about?’
I was slowly running out of patience. My voice was getting louder again, too. Because I couldn't make sense of any of it, my mind was searching for possible explanations. Had Marius and Julian had an argument, maybe even a physical one? Had Marius possibly lost and been given a black eye? Was he not at school because he was ashamed of being physically inferior to a gay man, or had he even been seriously injured? Did Julian perhaps want to apologise to Marius now that he was apparently looking for him? None of this made any sense, though. Marius was just not the type to beat someone up. He was one of the most peace-loving people I knew, and had never done anything to Julian before. I hadn't heard a single stupid thing about gays from his mouth either.
Julian started to explain again: ‘He wasn't at school. He's apparently not at home either. And his phone has been off all day.’
Now I was completely confused. Julian's statements still didn't shed any light on the matter and only raised new questions for me.
"How do you know he's not at home? And how did you get his mobile number in the first place?’
‘I drove by his house right after school. Nobody answers the door, even though I rang the bell at least ten times. And his mobile phone always goes straight to voicemail. I've already left a few messages and sent loads of text messages, but he doesn't seem to be checking his phone.’
I shook my head uncomprehendingly and interrupted him: ‘Sorry, but I really don't get what you're doing here. Can you maybe explain to me what you have to do with Marius? And why did you come to me at all?’
He looked up at me shyly and asked, ‘You are his best friend, aren't you?’
‘You could say that,’ I replied, nodding.
‘Then you must have noticed that he hasn't been feeling well lately, right?’ he said hesitantly.
‘Huh?’ I replied, confused. ’What should I have noticed? You don't even know Marius, and now you're telling me that he's not doing well? What makes you say that?’
‘Man, you're really totally insensitive!’ Julian suddenly snapped at me angrily. Now it was me who flinched because I hadn't anticipated this abrupt outburst of emotion. “He's been feeling like crap for months and you haven't even noticed!”
Something in his words made me think. If I thought about it carefully, there actually seemed to be some truth to his claim. Marius had really been quieter than usual lately, and sometimes I had even had the impression that he was somehow depressed. He had mostly faked being in a good mood and thus repeatedly convinced me that I was imagining his mood swings, but in fact I had somehow noticed that he had changed. It was just that I had never thought about it for very long.
Julian and I were still standing across from each other in the hallway. By now, all my annoyance at his sudden appearance and his opaque behaviour had vanished. I walked a few steps up the stairs that led to my realm – the converted attic – and squatted down on one of the steps. I slid a little towards the wall and gestured towards the free space next to me.
‘Okay, have a seat first,’ I addressed Julian again. ’What do you care about Marius anyway? You don't even know him.’
‘I definitely know him better than you think,’ he replied grimly. However, he did not comply with my request to sit down next to me. He seemed to prefer to remain standing. And then he added, almost aggressively, ’Maybe I know him even better than you!’
‘Hardly,’ I replied poisonously, after all, Marius and I had played together in the sandbox since we were little children. Since then, nothing had ever been able to separate us. ’Okay, you've noticed that he's not in a good mood. I just didn't notice that. Still, I don't understand what business it is of yours anyway.’
Julian snorted contemptuously and said, ‘Man, we're just wasting time here. I just wanted to know if you could think of anywhere he might be, not have a long discussion with you.’
"Then just say what's actually going on here!’
‘Man, I'm worried about Marius!’ he shouted at me, wiping away a tear that had just run from his eye with the back of his hand. “Something happened yesterday afternoon and after that Marius was totally devastated,” he began to explain. He could only just suppress a sob. ’And now I'm afraid that he might have done something to himself or something.’
With growing horror, I listened to what Julian was telling me. Marius wanted to kill himself? Why? Julian now broke down completely into tears. I went to him, put my hands on his shoulders and shook him slightly.
‘Hey, you have to tell me what's going on now,‘ I insisted energetically. “What happened yesterday? Why do you think Marius might want to hurt himself?”
’Timo saw us,‘ Julian replied quietly, looking down. He had now regained some control over his sobbing.
’Who did Timo see?’ I asked.
‘Marius and me.‘
’Yes, and then?‘
’Marius was just leaving and as we were standing in the front door, I gave Marius a hug goodbye and that's when Timo passed our house on his bike. He doesn't live in the area at all. No idea why he was passing by there. Anyway, he saw us and looked quite surprised, and when I noticed that, I quickly pulled Marius back into the house, closed the door and then I told Marius that Timo had just seen us.’
The words now just poured out of Julian, but still didn't really make sense to me. I wasn't surprised that Julian was afraid of Timo. Timo was pretty much the most homophobic guy in our year. He was the one who talked the most shit about Julian and bullied him the most. To be honest, I thought Timo was a real arsehole, even though he was also in the gang that Marius and I belonged to. After all, our gang consisted of a lot of people, so inevitably there were a few who couldn't stand each other.
Once I had digested Julian's words to some extent, a number of questions arose in my mind. Why was Marius at Julian's house? What did he want there? I would also like to know what Julian was thinking when he put his arms around Marius. And why the hell did Marius let him?
For the time being, however, I held back and just wanted to know from Julian: ‘Why was Marius at your place?’
After some hesitation, my counterpart replied: ‘Marius can talk to me about his problems.’
He looked at me accusingly, as if it were actually my job to take care of Marius. And somehow he was right, after all, I fancied myself as Marius' best friend. The cogs in my head kept turning. By now I had a vague idea of what could have disturbed Marius so much that Julian was now so worried about him.
I told him what I had worked out: ‘Okay, so Marius is now afraid that Timo might think that he might be... gay?’
Julian just nodded after listening to my hesitant conclusion.
‘But Marius isn't really gay, is he?’ I added after thinking about it for a few more seconds.
Actually, it didn't even seem necessary to ask the question. My best mate was definitely not gay. It just couldn't be. But Julian just stared at me. He didn't nod this time, but he didn't shake his head either, and he didn't say a word. For a few seconds, we just looked into each other's eyes.
‘Marius is gay?’ I suddenly blurted out, half in disbelief, half in surprise.
Julian turned his gaze back to the ground and said softly and hesitantly, ’I think he'd better tell you that himself.’
Actually, Julian had already answered my question, and the way he looked me in the eye again, he knew that the situation was now completely clear to me. He seemed to be waiting for a reaction from me. He probably wanted to see how I dealt with the new knowledge. At the moment, however, I simply couldn't believe that my best friend was really gay. I wondered whether Julian was just trying to wind me up. He seemed completely credible to me, though.
‘You're not trying to tell me that you two...’ I followed up after we had been silent for a while, but I didn't finish the sentence.
Julian shook his head violently anyway and said quietly, ‘We're just friends.’
Friends. Wow! I hadn't even realised that the two of them had ever exchanged a word with each other. The fact that Marius never spoke contemptuously about Julian, let alone humiliated him in any way, but rather seemed to get angry when he heard something like that, had never made me think. I just believed that Marius was a decent person – a more decent person than myself, at least. I would never have believed that the two knew each other. And certainly not that my best mate was...
‘We really have to take care of Marius now, okay?’ Julian pulled me out of my thoughts. ’It's all pretty hard for him anyway. And then Timo of all people has to see us together. The only good thing is that Marius didn't recognise anyone!’
‘What?‘ I exclaimed. “Then why did Marius freak out so much?”
’Because he had no way of knowing that Timo didn't recognise him!’ This morning Timo gave me a hard time and asked me who the guy was that he saw me with and if he was my lover. Until then, I also believed that Timo had recognised Marius. But since then I'm pretty sure that Timo really has no idea that it was Marius I was hugging yesterday. Timo wouldn't keep something like that to himself, would he? Of course I called Marius immediately afterwards and sent him a text message so that he doesn't have to be afraid anymore, but I already told you that his phone is off. Maybe he can't even turn it on because he's already dead!"
With that, Julian brought me to my senses. Immediately, my concern for my best buddy returned. We really had to act quickly.
‘Marius would never do anything to hurt himself,’ I quickly tried to reassure Julian, who was sobbing violently again and shedding a few tears. I was actually sure that his fear that Marius might want to kill himself was completely exaggerated. But how could I be so sure? Until now, I had thought I knew my best friend well. At the moment, however, I was anything but sure whether I was right in my assessment. It was likely that Marius had just not dared to go to school after yesterday's event, had stayed in bed, switched off his mobile phone and ignored the doorbell. But that was no more than a guess. I couldn't seem to convince Julian either. I put my hands on his shoulders again, this time not as roughly as before, but gently and reassuringly. I looked him in the eye and said, ‘We'll go look for him, okay?’
Immediately, some of the burden seemed to fall away from Julian. He was no longer alone in his concern for Marius.
‘Come upstairs quickly!’ I called to him, while I myself was already sprinting up the stairs to the attic. I looked back briefly and saw him quickly wiping a tear from his eye, while he was already slowly following me upstairs.
The rain was drumming wildly against the slanted skylight as I entered my room. It had increased significantly in strength again. Normally, you wouldn't have chased a dog out the door in this weather. But Julian and I had no other choice if we wanted to go looking for Marius. I opened my wardrobe. I had been in the football club until last year and had played in the B-youth team. From that time, I still had a rain jacket made of black nylon with a wide yellow stripe at chest height. On the back were the club's name and an advertising imprint of some sponsor. I had hardly ever needed the jacket and therefore didn't know how waterproof it was. As I took it off the hanger, I looked around for Julian again. He was apparently still hesitant to enter my realm. Instead, he was outside the open door of my room, busy with his mobile phone.
‘Just the voicemail again,’ he informed me. He had obviously just tried to reach Marius again. I waved him over and handed him the jacket that I had just fished out of the wardrobe. When he looked at me questioningly, I pointed to the window, over which the rain was pouring in thick streams, and said, ’You'll need this.’
‘Oh,‘ he said in surprise and reached for the garment. Apparently, he hadn't even noticed the pattering of the rain, which couldn't really be ignored up here under the roof.
’Listen,’ I said, turning back to the closet. “We'll stop by Marius” house first. You've already been there, but maybe he just didn't open the door.’
When I looked back at Julian, he was busy threading the zip of the jacket I had given him. He nodded and made an affirmative sound, but it sounded as if he wasn't particularly convinced by my plan. He seemed pretty sure that we wouldn't find Marius at home.
‘If he's not there, I have another idea, okay?’ I added.
In the meantime, I had found a light grey hoodie and even a second rain jacket. The jacket was made of fairly thin nylon and didn't look particularly waterproof, but hopefully it would be enough to go with the hoodie. I had received it the previous year because I had helped as a marshal at a nationally known triathlon competition. It was neon green and also had some kind of advertising print. Because it had been warm and dry on the day of the event, I hadn't needed it then and hadn't worn it since. It was still originally shrink-wrapped in plastic. Now that I had my outfit together, I quickly took off the plaid shirt that I had previously worn open over a T-shirt and slipped into the hooded sweatshirt. I left the hood on my head and tied the cord. Julian had meanwhile closed the zip of his rain jacket and was standing around indecisively.
‘The jacket has a hood in the back of the collar, in case you want to put it on,’ I said to him.
‘Okay,’ he replied and reached with one hand behind his neck to the back of the jacket collar, where he immediately felt a Velcro fastener. He opened it, fumbled out the hood and pulled it awkwardly over his head. I myself had never used this hood before. A few of the other guys on my team had worn the hoods of their team rain jackets a few times and I thought they looked pretty stupid with them. I'd rather accept a wet hairstyle than pull this rain protection over my head. Today, however, I would have put it on, especially since my hair was longer now and sometimes blocked my view when it was wet. The hood had an integrated elasticated band that somehow strangely pulled the fabric together at the forehead and Velcro tabs that allowed you to close it at the front of the chin. Julian had already discovered these things too. He pressed the two halves of the Velcro fastener together so that the hood would not slip off his head afterwards. I myself had long since torn open the plastic wrap that the green rain jacket was packed in, carelessly dropped the cover and hastily unfolded the jacket.
‘Let's go!’ I urged Julian, pointing in the direction of the stairs. As I followed him down the steps, I noticed that my second rain jacket also had a hood hidden in the collar with Velcro. I quickly took it out and only then slipped into the jacket. I came to an abrupt halt on the bottom step. In all the rush, I hadn't thought of everything.
‘Damn, I forgot my keys,’ I called to Julian. ‘You go out first!’
So I turned around, ran back up the stairs and zipped up my jacket, which I had meanwhile put on. With my key, I was back on my way down just a few seconds later and quickly locked the front door after slipping into my trainers. Julian was already waiting on his bike under the carport. I still had to get my own mountain bike out of the wooden shed that my father had not quite expertly built against the side wall of our house a few years ago. By the time I got there, I had also pulled the hood of my rain jacket over the hood of my sweatshirt. I could already feel the first drops pelting down on the nylon fabric. Unlike the hood of Julian's rain jacket, mine had a drawstring to tie. But I left it at that, tightening the hood a little with the drawstring. Just like the whole jacket, the hood felt quite thin. So I had no illusions that the two hoods would be enough to keep my head dry in the long run. That didn't really matter. The only thing that mattered to me was that we found Marius as quickly as possible.
We rode our bikes through the narrow streets of the housing estate, took a left turn at full speed, then turned right again. The ends of the drawstring on my rain jacket fluttered in the wind. I had to keep pulling on them to stop the second hood from blowing off my head. Although I mostly kept my eyes on the road, so that the top of my head, protected by the hoods, got the most rain, cold rain splashed into my face. After just a minute, my jeans were completely soaked through in the thigh area. After three minutes, I felt like I was soaked to the skin in almost all the areas below the waist. Fortunately, we had almost arrived at Marius' house by then.
The area in front of the front door, where we also parked our bikes, was covered, so we were finally standing in the dry again. Nevertheless, neither Julian nor I thought of taking off our hoods or wiping our faces dry. Instead, our thumbs reached for the doorbell almost simultaneously. We pressed it several times in turn, but nobody opened. Marius‘ parents, like both of my parents, both worked and usually didn't come home until late afternoon or early evening. Just like me, he had no brothers or sisters who could have opened the door for us. When there was still no movement in the house after a minute, I walked the few metres to the garage and peered through a small window into the interior. I was not surprised that neither of his parents’ cars was there. I wasn't particularly interested in that either. I found it more revealing that the space in the corner where Marius normally parked his scooter was also empty. This discovery finally convinced me that Marius was not in the house. I ran back to Julian, who had stopped at the front door and was continuing to ring the doorbell, and informed him of my latest findings.
‘Do you know the allotment garden area on the outskirts of town?‘ I asked him, pointing to the southeast.
’Of course I know it.‘
’Marius‘ parents have a plot of land there with a little house on it. It's possible that Marius is there.’
"Then let's go there!’
‘But it's quite a way to get there,’ I objected. ’Four or five kilometres. And we're already dripping wet. And whether he's really there...’
I didn't finish the sentence and shrugged my shoulders in resignation. Julian looked at me angrily from under his hood. He didn't need to say anything else; his expression alone was enough to make me give in.
‘Let's go,’ I said, getting back on my bike. Before I set off, I ran my hand between my two hoods to check. Against my expectations, the hood of my sweatshirt still felt reasonably dry. It was only really wet at the front. I quickly shook the raindrops off the hood of my rain jacket before tightening it again, this time properly. The loop I had made in the cord then slipped right in front of my mouth while riding, but this was not nearly as unpleasant as the wet cold that crept up my legs into my entire body. After a while, I could feel the rain slowly penetrating my clothes in the chest area and on my arms. A few strands of hair had also slipped out of my hoods and were hanging in front of my eyes, soaking wet. But I didn't even bother to stuff them back under my headgear because my hands on the handlebars had become completely numb from the cold rain. Julian stuck close to my back wheel the whole time, even though I had actually thought I was the sportier of the two of us. By now, though, I was already panting quite heavily and could hardly keep up the pace. Fortunately, we were now riding on a bike path and no longer had to watch out for traffic, especially since we weren't obstructing any other cyclists in this weather.
To our right, the first allotments finally appeared. After a few more metres, I turned into a narrow lane with Julian in tow and finally stopped in front of a metal garden gate. Julian had immediately jumped off the bike and pointed to the wooden house about fifteen metres away on the property.
‘Is this it?’ he wanted to know.
After I had answered his question in the affirmative, he immediately opened the gate and ran towards the small building. While I still had reservations about following him, because I secretly feared that we might find Marius dead in this house, he was already pounding on the door and shouting: ‘Marius? Marius? Are you in there?’
I summoned up all my courage and hesitantly followed him onto the property. When I had approached Julian to within two or three metres, he turned to me.
‘There's someone in there,’ he said with a somewhat relieved expression on his face. ‘I can hear some noises.’
I pointed to a small satellite dish below the roof gutter and replied: ‘There's a TV in there.’
Suddenly it seemed quite likely to me that we would really find Marius here. When I spotted his scooter, hidden behind a neatly trimmed hedge, I was even completely sure. The noises coming from the house didn't necessarily mean that Marius was safe and sound. Julian seemed to agree, because his face now reflected fear and tension again. The fact that Marius didn't react at all to the loud knocking worried me just as much as it did him.
Hesitantly, Julian pushed down the handle and finally realised that the door was not locked. After opening it a crack, he peeked into the room. A second later, he tore the door open and stormed inside. I hesitated to follow him, but from where I was standing I could clearly see Julian pulling the hood off his head inside and quickly slipping out of his wet rain jacket. He threw it aside carelessly and then knelt down on the floor between the low table and the couch at the back of the room. Since we had already had a few barbecues here, the rooms and the furniture were immediately familiar to me. I took a few steps closer, but stopped again about a metre in front of the front door. It was quite dark inside because all the shutters were closed. There was a lamp hanging over the table, but it wasn't switched on. Therefore, only the TV screen and the light that fell through the open door provided a little brightness. Despite all this, I could see that a person was lying on the couch under a blanket. I even thought I saw the blanket rise and fall slightly. Probably I imagined that because of the constant changes in light caused by the TV picture, but only imagined. I probably just didn't dare to think that the person, who could only be Marius, might not be breathing at all.
Julian was now gently stroking the covered body. I could hear him say Marius' name several times and keep asking if he was all right. I didn't notice any movement under the covers, though. The TV and the patter of the rain drowned out Julian's words, so I didn't really understand some of what he said. I had no sense of how long I stood there holding my breath. Probably only a few seconds passed before the person on the couch finally began to stir. Then I heard a grumble and a few moments later a sleepy voice sounded from under the blanket. I felt a weight lift from my chest. Nevertheless, I stayed where I was, even took a step to the side and leaned against the wall outside the door with a sigh. Only now did I notice that I was shaking all over. But I didn't know if it was because of the excitement or the cold emanating from my soaked clothes. Despite being relieved that Marius had apparently only been sleeping, I was unsure how I should behave now. There was my best friend, who I had known was gay for less than an hour. But it seemed to me as if there was a complete stranger in there, someone I didn't know at all.
The supposed stranger seemed to be slowly waking up. But I could still hardly understand his answers, which were rather monosyllabic at first, from out here because of the ambient noise. At first, Julian apparently wanted to make sure that Marius was really all right. He asked him if he had slept so soundly that he hadn't heard the loud knocking on the door. From the scraps of words I could catch of the answer, I gathered that Marius hadn't slept a wink the whole previous night and had come here in the morning instead of going to school. At some point, tiredness had got the better of him and he had fallen asleep in front of the television. My suspicion that he had simply not dared to go to school after yesterday's incident had been correct. I was a little proud of the fact that I seemed to be able to assess Marius better than Julian, who had immediately assumed the worst.
Once the TV set inside had been switched off, I was able to understand the two boys' conversation better. Because I now heard Marius's voice, which was so familiar to me, more clearly, the feeling that there was a stranger inside slowly began to disappear.
I heard him ask Julian: ’How did you even find me here? Did I ever tell you that my parents have the garden here?’
‘Nah, Lennart told me that you might be here.‘
’Lenny?‘
I wasn't sure if I heard only surprise or also fear in Marius’ voice when he pronounced my name. Was he afraid of me, his best buddy? Uneasily, I waited to hear how the conversation between the two continued.
‘Listen, Lennart knows you're gay,‘ Julian said in a soothing voice.
’Timo probably told everyone at school today, didn't he?‘ Marius replied resignedly.
’No, he didn't even recognise you yesterday!‘
’Really?’ Marius exclaimed immediately, relieved.
‘Yes, if you had your phone on, you would have known that by now. I've left a ton of messages on your voicemail and sent loads of text messages!‘
’Man, I just thought there were going to be loads of stupid messages from all sorts of people calling me a fag. I just didn't dare turn it on.’
For a while Marius sounded almost cheerful, but then he became serious again.
‘And how does Lenny know then?’ he suddenly wanted to know. ‘Did you tell him?’
Marius now seemed almost angry with Julian. I thought about whether I should finally go in to tell my friend that everything was fine. That I had no problem with him being gay. That he was still my best mate. But I wasn't sure if I was lying to him by doing so. So I stayed where I was and hoped that Julian would be able to calm Marius down again. I didn't quite catch how he responded to Marius' questions. In any case, Julian spared himself a lengthy explanation of the predicament he had been in, and did not explain to Marius that I had pestered him with questions for so long that he could no longer help but indirectly reveal the truth to me.
The next thing I clearly heard was a question from Marius: ‘Lenny has a problem with me being gay, doesn't he?’
‘I don't know,‘ Julian replied uncertainly after a brief hesitation.
’Of course he has a problem with it, otherwise he would have come here himself.’
I could clearly hear the tremor in Marius' voice. He seemed on the verge of bursting into tears. Suddenly, I realised how close it was to me, that he was so down. Spontaneously, I stepped into the door. Julian was still squatting on the floor right in front of Marius, blocking my buddy and me from seeing each other. Without the light from the TV, it was hard to see anything in the room anyway. So I fumbled for the light switch. Immediately, the room became much brighter.
‘I came with you, after all,’ I said at the same moment, loud enough for Marius to hear clearly.
He sat up abruptly and stared at me in surprise. I spotted a few tears under his eyes. Nevertheless, a broad grin suddenly spread across his face. At first, I didn't understand what had caused this abrupt change in mood. It was only when he said, ‘Man Lenny, look at you,’ that I realised I was still in the bright green rain jacket and had two tightly tied hoods on my head, one on top of the other. The bow that I had tied in the cord of the rain jacket hood hung crookedly in front of my chin, just below my lower lip, tickling the corner of my mouth. Because of all the excitement, I hadn't noticed it at all before. When I touched my forehead, I realised that the grey sweatshirt hood wasn't completely hidden under the green hood of the rain jacket, but was peeking out a bit from under it. I certainly looked totally stupid in my outfit. When I realised that, I burst out laughing. I flopped down into the old armchair opposite the sofa and doubled over with laughter. Marius also started snorting, but Julian just rolled his eyes at first. But then he couldn't hold back either.
The next morning I woke up with a scratchy throat. I took a sleepy glance at the glowing digits of my alarm clock. It wouldn't beep for another half hour. The longer I lay awake, the worse I felt. The journey through the rain had apparently not done me any good, especially since I had to wait quite a long time afterwards in my completely soaked clothes. I was afraid I had caught a bad cold. After I had rolled out of bed and walked unsteadily to the door, I looked down to the first floor. The lights were already on, so I trotted downstairs to tell my parents that there was no way I would be going to school that day. Back in the attic, I sent a short text message to Marius: ‘I'm sick! Can't go to school! Can you manage without me? Love, Lenny.’
Then I switched off my alarm clock and crawled back into bed. I had already fallen asleep again before I received a reply to my text message. I didn't have to worry about my best friend anymore. The problem with Timo had finally disappeared into thin air.
At some point, the ringtone of my mobile woke me up. I fumbled for it and answered in a hoarse voice.
I heard Marius say, ‘Hey, how are you?’ and croaked back, ‘I've got a cold!’
My alarm clock said 10:22 a.m. It was the big break at school.
‘I just wanted to quickly tell you that everything's fine here. No problems with Timo or anything. He's telling everyone that Julian has a lover now, but that doesn't bother Julian much. He's still totally relieved that nothing happened to me.’
Relief was still audible in Marius‘ voice. He had explained to me the day before in his parents’ garden shed that he wasn't really ready to come out, especially since he had to watch every day how cruelly Julian was treated. He said he himself couldn't stand it. He had always been terribly ashamed because he had never really stood up for Julian. He had apologised to him for that in private. That was about three weeks ago. Since then, the two had become friends in secret. After only a short time, Marius had gained so much trust in Julian that he confessed his own homosexuality to him.
I had assured Marius yesterday that I would stand by him no matter what happened, and that his secret was safe with me as long as he didn't want others to know about it as well. I had also assured him that we were still best friends. And I had meant that one hundred percent. Actually, I should have been a little angry with him because he hadn't trusted me more as his best friend. Even Julian's friends had found out about Marius being gay before I did. If he thought they were more reliable than me, allowing Julian to share his secret with them, then I must have done something wrong in the past. In any case, I had firmly resolved to do better in the future and had immediately apologised to Julian for not treating him better in the past. Instead of considering standing up for him in any way, I had sometimes even taken part in bullying. I guess I hurt Marius quite a bit because of that. So I gave him a lot of credit for still maintaining a close friendship with me anyway.
After we finished our phone call, I wondered if there was more developing between him and Julian than just friendship. Just 24 hours ago, such a thought would have shocked me completely. I had to admit that I still couldn't really warm to the idea, but I didn't find it really off-putting either. Actually, Julian was quite okay. Nevertheless, I couldn't let him challenge my position as Marius' best buddy. In that case, I'd rather he became his boyfriend.
I spent a few more minutes thinking about all the changes that would be coming and what I could do to make life easier for Marius and Julian. It even occurred to me that I found one of Julian's girlfriends quite attractive. Maybe something would come of it if things with Franziska and me didn't work out. But in the end I fell asleep again for a while.