07-10-2025, 02:53 PM
‘Mom, can I talk to you, please?’
‘Of course, sweetheart, you know that, anytime... just not right now, I'm terribly busy.’
"Okay, would you please give me an appointment?’
‘Don't be silly, darling.‘
’I'm serious. And please don't keep calling me ‘darling’; I'm not one of your lab rats. Maybe you vaguely remember my name?‘
’Jan, that's enough! How dare you talk to me like that?‘
’For the simple reason that it's the only way I can get a little of your attention.’
‘Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit? You're giving me the feeling that I don't have enough time for you, nor am I interested in you.‘
’Thanks, I couldn't have put it better myself.‘
’Before you make any more mistakes in your tone, come into the kitchen and talk. It seems important. You have 15 minutes, then I have to go.’
‘All right, I'll be brief. Mother, I'm gay.‘
’But darling... Jan, it doesn't matter, it can happen to anyone. Could you see if you can find this potato peeler? I'm sure I used it just yesterday... WHAT DID YOU SAY?’
‘You just have to listen to me for once, then you'll understand me. And please don't shout, it's not your style.‘
’Well, I don't think it's particularly funny either, that you wanted to scare me like that. Now say what you really wanted to say, I'm listening.’ ’You've got 10 minutes, then I have to go.’
‘I know that. I grew up with that sentence. You always have to leave sometime.
Mother, I didn't want to scare you. I'm serious. I'm gay!‘
’Why do you always call me ‘mother’? You've never done that before.‘
’I've never told you that I'm gay either.’
‘Gosh, I'm completely confused now. Can we sit down and talk in peace?‘
’We only have 5 minutes left, it's not worth it.‘
’Jan, please stay here. The hairdresser's not important. Please excuse me. Can we start over? It wasn't a good start for a conversation like this.’
‘Okay, I'd like that. So, Mom, can I please talk to you?‘
’Yes, Jan, of course. Would you pass me the water bottle, please? Thanks.‘
’I'm gay, Mom. I only love men.‘
’Yes, but... I mean, it can't be... well... I don't know how to say it.’
‘It's okay, Mom, I know. No, it's not a phase and it's not something that will go away.‘
’And how long have you known?‘
’About a year and a half. Before that, it was just an uncertain guess. But then it became more and more certain.‘
’Has it been that long? And you never said anything? Why now?’
‘I first had to come to terms with it myself. And come to terms with it. Besides, now there's a good reason.‘
’And what's that?‘
’I've fallen in love. Not with a crush, like a few times before, but really in love. His name is Andreas, and I want you to meet him.‘
’So I have him to thank for the fact that my son is finally telling me the truth?’
‘No, certainly not. It's about me, but also about you. I just used Andreas as an excuse, as a hook, so to speak. To give myself courage.‘
’Courage? Did you need courage to talk to me about it?‘
’But certainly. I could almost imagine your enthusiasm.‘
’My goodness, what will your father say?’
‘He's not the point now, I'll talk to him later. I want to talk to you about this now. Did you understand exactly what I told you?‘
’I heard your words, but I can't grasp it. What does it all mean?‘
’It means that I can never give you a girlfriend, daughter-in-law or your own grandchild. I will always be a man's partner.’
‘And you're just telling me this?‘
’What do you think I should have done? Write you a letter? Imagine, I even considered doing just that. But then I thought it would be unfair.‘
’Unfair? It's strange to hear you use that word. So I should just accept the fact that you're gay, and you think that's fair?’
‘Okay, let's talk about you. What exactly do you find so appalling about the idea that I'm gay? Can't you stand the thought of me lying in bed with a man, kissing and...‘
’Jan! Stop it! Not a word more about it. And please avoid that word, it sounds incredibly primitive!’
‘Fine, have it your way. Let's look at it from a different angle. There's a big party at the tennis club and I show up with Andreas. You have to introduce him. What do you say then? ‘This is a friend of my son’? Or ‘He's my son's friend’? Or even worse, imagine that in a few years you might have to say: ‘That's my son's husband, my son-in-law.’ Well, how do you feel about that? When the “proper society” finds out that you have a homosexual son, hm?’
‘I'll tell you, Jan. Right now, it just makes me want to throw up. You spring this fact on me that changes our lives and you come at me like that? If you think that ‘proper society’ is important to me, then you're absolutely right. Yes, right now the thought of introducing this Andrew...‘
’Andreas.’
‘Please? Oh, well, Andres, whatever... to announce this man as your boyfriend. And then I see them whispering, all our friends, our business partners, wondering what they're doing, talking behind our backs, giving us a pitying look, staring at my son like a rare insect. And I'm supposed to be amused about this, or what? You just plonk this inconceivable fact down in front of me. You said earlier that you had been dealing with yourself for years, that you needed your time to come to terms with it, and I'm supposed to grasp it all in two minutes and giggle about it? What do you think? And above all, what do you expect of me? That I embrace you enthusiastically? That I confess to you full of delight that I never wanted a daughter-in-law anyway, let alone a grandchild screaming? That I run joyfully towards your father this evening with the words: ‘Darling, something great has happened. Just imagine, our only son is homosexual! Let's celebrate, champagne, caviar!’’
‘Mom! Mama, please... just calm down, please don't cry, oh gosh, I'm sorry, I was an idiot, here, take this tempo... you know what? I'll make us some coffee now. Would you like a cognac with it too? No, don't get up, I'll do it.’
‘Thanks, that's fine, son. I'm just a bit confused at the moment. Would you mind getting the milk out of the fridge? But Jan, please, cognac in these glasses? That's what the snifters are for.’
‘Haha, you're right. That gives me the assurance that you've calmed down again, yes? So again, I'm sorry. I really ambushed you with it. Just blame it on my nervousness. Look, it's not easy for me either, this conversation, okay?‘
’Of course, I imagine so, Jan. Do you want to talk about you? How did it start?’
‘I can't really tell you that anymore either. I just realised one day that I thought the girls were quite nice, I also had some really nice friends at school, but... I only really looked at the boys, if you know what I mean. So, what I mean is, feelings arose in me for them. The first crushes were hard. I was so... so insecure, so confused. It was a terrible time, Mama.‘
’I believe you, darling. What happened next?‘
’I had good contacts on the internet. And one day someone drew my attention to a very special site. A forum where the idea is to write stories. I read through it a few times. And then I registered because I realised that some of the people there had the same problems as me. It's a community that consists of gay people, well, I mean homosexuals, mostly my age. Well, and then I talked to more and more people there, including myself. That helped me a lot. They became my friends, kind of my family!‘
’Come on, Jan, your family is still us!’
‘But not in this case, Mom. I was so alone, so insecure, had no one to talk to because I didn't dare to, I wasn't even sure yet... Mom, I just needed that community there. And today I'm part of them, I belong. And when someone comes along who feels alone and insecure, I try to help them.’
‘Boy, I had no idea. I always just wondered why I didn't notice a girlfriend, why you didn't hint at it, but then I also told myself that when the time came, you would tell us. No young man likes having to officially introduce his girlfriend to his parents.‘
’Mom, have you ever slept with a woman?‘
’Excuse me?’
‘My question is quite simple: have you ever had sex with a woman?‘
’Really, what makes you ask that? Of course not! But... I remember... my goodness, that was a long time ago, I was just entering my 20s... it was at a party.‘
’And what happened?’
‘Well, there was a girl there called Monika... yes, that's right, Monika. And she really flirted with me. At first I was dismissive, but then I was flattered and I thought: why not? You should experience everything at least once!‘
’Oh yeah? You?’
‘Of course, Jan, I was young once too and less inhibited than I am today. Anyway, my goodness, there was alcohol involved too, I let her get me. We went to her house. It was all fun at first, we were fooling around. But then we went to bed. The kiss, well, a real kiss, you know, that seemed strange to me, I had never kissed a woman like that before. And then it got more intimate, oh dear, I remember vaguely, it was just bad.‘
’What was bad?’
‘Well, it got really intimate... and then I just felt sick. And it wasn't from the alcohol. Jan, it was awful. I really have a good relationship with my body, and I think I still look very good at 45... and I thought so in my early 20s too... but to be touched like that by a woman... would you please give me another sip of cognac?’
‘Gladly... and thank you very much for this story, it makes things easier for me.‘
’Why?‘
’Because then I can explain to you better how I feel.‘
’Again, why?‘
’Exactly the same, Mom. I just can't sleep with a woman. I've never even tried it, just the thought ---- it's just not possible.’
‘Hm... do I understand you correctly now? And what about the guilt? Who is to blame for... your condition?‘
’Mother, I don't have any conditions! I'm just gay, that's just the way I am... just like you can only sleep with men, I can only sleep with men. All right?‘
’I just asked you a question, why are you getting aggressive?’
‘Because I'm beginning to doubt that you want to understand me!‘
’I want to, but I can't yet. Now calm down and answer my question: who is to blame? Is it me? Did I not take care of you enough? Your father? Does he have something to do with it?’
‘My father has hardly anything to do with me, but that's another problem. No, Mom, this is not about guilt, after all, it's not a crime! There's no point in sending me to a psychiatrist either, and a cure can't heal me, and there won't be a special clinic in the US!’
‘Jan, please take the handkerchief... not the sleeve... oh boy, I'm sorry. Forgive me, I've done so much wrong.‘
’No, Mom! And that's exactly what you have to understand: there is no guilt. That's not what it's about for me. The fact that you never had enough time for me, okay... but that's a completely different topic. I turned 20 not too long ago, remember? I grew up in my own way. And I'm doing quite well with it. That's what it's about. I just want you to accept me. As the Jan that I am today... can I have another tissue... thanks. I'd like to make a suggestion, okay?‘
’And what would that be?’
‘Come with me on the internet. I want to introduce you to my community. I'd like you to read a few stories. You know, we also have some incredibly nice girls in the community who are very important to us. And then there's the mother of one of our members who is very active. Sometimes she's a bit crazy, but mostly quite harmless. Maybe you could have a private chat with her?’
‘Gladly, Jan. I will do that. But please not today. Give me time. Please. I know what you mean. And I will deal with the subject. You have to be patient with me. It's new. It's strange. And also a bit frightening.‘
’Okay. You're right, I had years of time. Today should have been the beginning, yes?’
‘Yes, Jan, it was a start. And I think we handled it quite well. At some point you can introduce me to your community, I will also read books, and I would like to talk to you about them again and again. And one day, not right away, but soon, I would also like to meet this Andreas. And now I'm just hungry! Do you want to go out for a quick bite?’
‘You know, I'd actually prefer us to stay here and cook something together. We haven't done that in a long time.‘
’Hm, yes okay, we can do that, but unfortunately there is still a problem that you would have to solve.‘
’Oh dear, what now?‘
’Please find that damn potato peeler!’
The second part of this story is also completely fictitious. I just wish there were more clarifying conversations. The ‘film’ refers to ‘Sommersturm’.
A conversation
- Part 2
‘I'm siiiinging in the rain, I'm siiinging in the rain...’
"Jan? Jaahhaannn!’
‘…I'm happy again…‘
’JAN!‘
’Er, yes?‘
’For goodness sake, could you please stop shouting?‘
’Shouting? I'm singing!‘
’Well, I guess we have two different perspectives on that.‘
’Oh Mom, I'm so in love and happy.’
‘I understand that, but could you please be happy a little more quietly?‘
’Can't right now, I'm just floating on cloud nine and could hug the globe... I'm siiiing...‘
’QUIET! Good heavens, nobody can stand that. Let's just have supper, okay? Why don't you set the table, but no singing!’
‘Okay. Can't we eat in the kitchen? Dad's not here today, so it's more comfortable than in the dining room.‘
’Yes, we can do that, and we can talk a little more.‘
’Great, I've been waiting for that all along. After Andreas left last night, I wanted to leave you alone for a while.‘
’Well, it was a bit strange.‘
’What?’
‘The whole situation.‘
’But I got the impression that you thought Andi was okay.‘
’Sure, one thing has nothing to do with the other. Would you like some tea too?‘
’No thanks, I'd rather have a beer. What one thing and what other thing?‘
’The one thing is... put the sausage down too... that I really thought Andi was quite nice...’
‘Quite nice? Oh, what a profound statement.‘
’...and on the other hand, there was the fact that he... I mean... well, that he is your boyfriend.‘
’Mom, how small do you want to cut the bread? Just say it: he's gay, just like me, and he's my lover!’
‘No, Jan, I won't do that. And you won't tell me what to say!‘
’Hm, you're in a mood for a fight right now? Well then, let's go into battle.‘
’Nonsense! I just have the impression that you're taking it a bit too lightly.’
‘That's a matter of opinion, Mom. You could say that if I had introduced you to my drug-addicted girlfriend and made jokes about it or something. But that wasn't the case, after all. You've had three weeks to get used to the fact that I'm gay... no, no, don't glare at me like that... you can keep calling it homosexuality if you like, please, but I'm gay. Pass the butter, will you? So you knew exactly who was coming last night, did you? And we didn't provoke you in any way, we were just sitting there, chatting, Andi was really relaxed, I was also surprised about Dad, he talked a lot, well, mainly about Andi's job, but anyway... your kettle's boiling... and I really don't know why I should take it all too lightly.’
‘Because, in addition to all the polite conversation, the fact remained that you and Andreas are, well, something of a couple.‘
’Something of a what? We are a couple, Mom.’
‘That's what I mean... could you please eat with a knife and fork... but can you maybe imagine how strange it was for me? To see you both sitting there and knowing... well, you know.‘
’Yes, thank you, I can do it, after all I learned it from you.‘
’Please?‘
’To eat with a knife and fork... but I don't feel like it now.’
‘Very funny. Could we get back to the topic? Pass the cheese, please.‘
’Oh, are we talking about cheese now?‘
’Jan! Don't be so silly. I want to talk to you seriously. I'm still missing your relaxed attitude when it comes to this topic.’
‘Horry, Hom, habba hannschte hich hersteeehn, hach hich hor ba chüsch...‘
’What are we practising now? The fuller the mouth, the better the pronunciation? Why don't you bite off another piece, then I'll understand you better.’
‘I repeat: sorry, Mom, but can't you understand that I'm just not that grounded right now because I'm so happy? But okay, let's get back to the topic. So you saw us sitting on the sofa, and somehow something didn't suit you? Why not, Mom? What's the problem, anyway? You've been a little weird to me for the past three weeks.’
‘So, you call it strange. Yes, you're right, what else should I call it? I don't know, I'm not very good at expressing myself.‘
’Come on, you get three tries, just give it a shot.‘
’Hm, I see you so... differently.‘
’Ah yes, now I understand.’
‘Well, I mean, yes, different... you have changed. Maybe I've changed too... you've become a stranger to me.‘
’A stranger? What do you mean? I haven't changed. No, that's not true, of course I've changed, I'm in love.‘
’Don't start singing again.‘
’Oh, look at that, you're grinning again.’
‘Well, but seriously, I feel that you have changed a lot.‘
’That may be, Mom... could you pass the bread, please? But that's not because of my homosexuality, but rather because we haven't had much contact over the last few years.‘
’Oh, so it's time for the blame game? Then let me just say one thing...’
‘Hello? Just a moment, okay? This is not about guilt at all. You wanted to know why I've changed, and I was just about to explain it to you, right?’
‘Oh really? And I thought I heard an unpleasant undertone. But the fact is that you didn't always have time for me either. When I asked you to accompany me to the club or to do other activities together, it was you who retreated to your room with some excuse or other and said you didn't have time!’
‘Joint activities? Am I hearing that right? What was so ‘joint’ about it? That we were in the same room at the tennis club? That you introduced me to some boring, boring exhibition openings to some wannabe artists? I listen to your friends' chatter about their children? Who is doing well at school, excelling at the sports club and won a medal at the last horse show? Who got the best A-levels, who plays how many musical instruments perfectly?
Can you tell me what any of this has to do with the two of us? And why I should come along? Nah, I just thought my time was too precious for that. If you had asked me if we could go to the cinema and then have dinner, chat or something...then I would have come with you.‘
’You never asked me to go to the cinema with you.’
‘No, certainly not, that would probably have made no sense. I could well imagine your astonished look, it's beyond your imagination... going to the cinema with your son, but come on, let's leave that now. You mean that I have changed, and I can only agree with you. You know, I feel tremendously strong. Self-confident. I don't just know that I'm gay, I can talk about it. I've made friends, I've realised that I'm not a stranger on this planet, I've found someone who loves me, who I can love, I'm happy with myself and my world.’
‘I'm really happy for you, but your last sentences were dominated by the word ‘I’. What about me? What about your father? What about us?’
‘Mom, it's just about me right now, don't you understand that? I've just reached a point in my life where I only think about myself. We're a family, of course we always will be, but first of all I'm going to find my own way. Alone. And with that, I'd also like to let you know that I'd like to move out. I can look at a room in a shared flat tomorrow.’
‘What's going on? You want to move out? Are you crazy? That's out of the question. Do you know how few young people manage to get a place at university in their home town? And you want to move out? That's nonsense! You have no idea what it means to live alone, you'd be in for a surprise.’
‘That's right, I have no idea. So it's high time I had the experience. Like most young people my age. Please understand, Mom, I have to stand on my own two feet.‘
’Who came up with this crazy idea? It probably came from this Andreas, right? So that he can visit you more often without running into us. Or do you even want to move in with him?’
‘No, I don't. We're not that far yet. And the idea came from me. Andreas just knows more people than I do and he set me up with this flat share. Like I said, I can take a look at the room tomorrow. And if the two residents and I get along, then it's a go. To answer your question, no, it's not a gay flat share. But they know I'm gay and couldn't care less. They just want someone to help with the rent who is more or less their type.‘
’Well, then everything's settled, yes? Perhaps the unimportant question remains as to who pays the rent? You, perhaps? I'm very curious to see what your father will say about it.’
‘I've already spoken to him, Mom. He sees it the same way I do. We agreed that he will pay the rent and living expenses. I'll take care of any extras myself when I find a job. He wants to talk to a business friend about whether I can get a job as a bicycle courier in his company. Don't look so shocked. OK, OK, we did talk behind your back, but I just thought it would be better if I could give you specific information about what's going to happen to me. Dad thought so too, he knew you wouldn't be happy.’
‘That's very nice, absolutely marvellous... the gentlemen of the family sit down and plan things behind my back, which I am then casually informed about. It didn't occur to you that I still have a say in the matter?’
‘No, Mom, I'm sorry, but you don't. I didn't ask you for permission to move out. I rather hoped that you would understand me. That you would be happy that I want to take my life into my own hands independently. You know, when I talked to Dad about it...‘
’When was that, actually?’
‘...the day before yesterday, when you had your bridge evening... we went to see a film about young gays afterwards...‘
’WHAT are you doing? I just don't believe it! Your father is watching a film about... that can't be true!’
‘But it is, Mom. And he even watched it with interest. Okay, we didn't talk about it much afterwards, but still: he nodded at me and then gave me a big pat on the back. And for someone like Dad, for whom a slight grin at the corners of his mouth is the purest expression of emotion, that's a lot.’
‘That scoundrel, he didn't say a word to me about it.‘
’Well, he must have had his reasons. But what about you? Would you like to watch the film with me sometime? And have you read the story I printed out for you?’
‘Er, no, I don't think I want to see the film. The story was enough for me. Yes, I read it, at least I started... well, it's quite strange for me. I still have to get used to the idea that you... well, I mean... oh, Jan, understand me.‘
’And when do you want to do that?’
‘What?‘
’Get used to it? And deal with the subject. You're still running away. You don't want to talk about it, you'd rather negate it. Nice and cosy, isn't it?’
‘Don't you dare come at me with your lofty reproachfulness, Mr Son! You make it pretty easy for yourself. You just blurt out the fact that you want to move out, mention in passing that you've already sorted everything out with your father, and skilfully stifle my anger with a few accusations! You make fun of my life, find the tennis club, the exhibitions... yes, virtually all my interests ridiculous and annoying, my friends get on your nerves with their pointless chatter. But you've lived quite well in this brainless society all these years, right? But now you're oh so grown up and homosexual to boot, that's what makes you stand out, right? That makes you superior to this society and allows you to look down on these people with pity, who are naturally proud of their children. And of what they have achieved, because very few were born with a golden spoon in their mouths. They also had to work hard for everything they have today, but my son doesn't see that, it's all just a nuisance to him. From now on, the world has to deal with homosexuality, after all, it's the only important topic......‘
’Are you done?‘
’With what?‘
’With eating‘
’What's that supposed to mean?’
‘Then I would like to clear the table, because you're crying into the liverwurst right now... oh mom, come on, give me a hug. Gosh, I didn't mean it like that. Could it be that we've both got a little worked up right now? I'm a little out of it too...‘
’Where are you?‘
’...it's just an expression. I mean there are so many new things coming up for me. My studies, life in general, my love for Andreas. And I just want you to understand me. To be able to understand. We gays are no different from heterosexuals. We have exactly the same worries and problems in our everyday lives, in our relationships, at work... it's just that we still have a harder time in today's society. I know that if I turn up at the tennis club one day with Andreas and introduce him as my husband, there will be horrified, embarrassed silence, we will be greeted fleetingly, any physical contact avoided, and definitely no eye contact. As you said before, people will look at you sympathetically, no one will know what they can say to you, there will be whispering behind your back. And that hurts me, you understand? For you, but also for me. What have I done to people? Those who don't know me still think of me as the nice, sweet boy from a good family. If I came with an Andrea, everything would be fine. But now I'm coming with Andreas, and that alone makes me a monster? Well, exaggeration makes it clear. And sometimes I get so angry, you know? And I just wish that at least you know what's going on inside of me, how I feel, that I'm just gay. You know, I wish for you that one day you can say to your friends out of inner conviction: ‘And this is Andreas. If all goes well, he might be my son-in-law. And that you feel strong about it.‘
’Could you let go of me for a moment, please? I need to catch my breath. Oh Jan, you're right. I was just trying to avoid the subject. It was stupid of me. I'll do better, I promise. Do you still want to move out?’
‘Mom, you're incorrigible... sorry to laugh like that, but sometimes you're really good. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Of course I'll move out. But we'll see each other often, visit each other, maybe see each other more often and more intensely than here at home. What do you say, do we open a bottle of wine and talk about the future? Well, I know roughly what the room looks like, Andi described it to me, and I imagine that I might move the chest of drawers up the hall...‘
’Jan?‘
’Yes?‘
’Let's talk about it when you've actually got the room. I have another idea. Bring up a wine... and then let's watch the film.’
‘Of course, sweetheart, you know that, anytime... just not right now, I'm terribly busy.’
"Okay, would you please give me an appointment?’
‘Don't be silly, darling.‘
’I'm serious. And please don't keep calling me ‘darling’; I'm not one of your lab rats. Maybe you vaguely remember my name?‘
’Jan, that's enough! How dare you talk to me like that?‘
’For the simple reason that it's the only way I can get a little of your attention.’
‘Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit? You're giving me the feeling that I don't have enough time for you, nor am I interested in you.‘
’Thanks, I couldn't have put it better myself.‘
’Before you make any more mistakes in your tone, come into the kitchen and talk. It seems important. You have 15 minutes, then I have to go.’
‘All right, I'll be brief. Mother, I'm gay.‘
’But darling... Jan, it doesn't matter, it can happen to anyone. Could you see if you can find this potato peeler? I'm sure I used it just yesterday... WHAT DID YOU SAY?’
‘You just have to listen to me for once, then you'll understand me. And please don't shout, it's not your style.‘
’Well, I don't think it's particularly funny either, that you wanted to scare me like that. Now say what you really wanted to say, I'm listening.’ ’You've got 10 minutes, then I have to go.’
‘I know that. I grew up with that sentence. You always have to leave sometime.
Mother, I didn't want to scare you. I'm serious. I'm gay!‘
’Why do you always call me ‘mother’? You've never done that before.‘
’I've never told you that I'm gay either.’
‘Gosh, I'm completely confused now. Can we sit down and talk in peace?‘
’We only have 5 minutes left, it's not worth it.‘
’Jan, please stay here. The hairdresser's not important. Please excuse me. Can we start over? It wasn't a good start for a conversation like this.’
‘Okay, I'd like that. So, Mom, can I please talk to you?‘
’Yes, Jan, of course. Would you pass me the water bottle, please? Thanks.‘
’I'm gay, Mom. I only love men.‘
’Yes, but... I mean, it can't be... well... I don't know how to say it.’
‘It's okay, Mom, I know. No, it's not a phase and it's not something that will go away.‘
’And how long have you known?‘
’About a year and a half. Before that, it was just an uncertain guess. But then it became more and more certain.‘
’Has it been that long? And you never said anything? Why now?’
‘I first had to come to terms with it myself. And come to terms with it. Besides, now there's a good reason.‘
’And what's that?‘
’I've fallen in love. Not with a crush, like a few times before, but really in love. His name is Andreas, and I want you to meet him.‘
’So I have him to thank for the fact that my son is finally telling me the truth?’
‘No, certainly not. It's about me, but also about you. I just used Andreas as an excuse, as a hook, so to speak. To give myself courage.‘
’Courage? Did you need courage to talk to me about it?‘
’But certainly. I could almost imagine your enthusiasm.‘
’My goodness, what will your father say?’
‘He's not the point now, I'll talk to him later. I want to talk to you about this now. Did you understand exactly what I told you?‘
’I heard your words, but I can't grasp it. What does it all mean?‘
’It means that I can never give you a girlfriend, daughter-in-law or your own grandchild. I will always be a man's partner.’
‘And you're just telling me this?‘
’What do you think I should have done? Write you a letter? Imagine, I even considered doing just that. But then I thought it would be unfair.‘
’Unfair? It's strange to hear you use that word. So I should just accept the fact that you're gay, and you think that's fair?’
‘Okay, let's talk about you. What exactly do you find so appalling about the idea that I'm gay? Can't you stand the thought of me lying in bed with a man, kissing and...‘
’Jan! Stop it! Not a word more about it. And please avoid that word, it sounds incredibly primitive!’
‘Fine, have it your way. Let's look at it from a different angle. There's a big party at the tennis club and I show up with Andreas. You have to introduce him. What do you say then? ‘This is a friend of my son’? Or ‘He's my son's friend’? Or even worse, imagine that in a few years you might have to say: ‘That's my son's husband, my son-in-law.’ Well, how do you feel about that? When the “proper society” finds out that you have a homosexual son, hm?’
‘I'll tell you, Jan. Right now, it just makes me want to throw up. You spring this fact on me that changes our lives and you come at me like that? If you think that ‘proper society’ is important to me, then you're absolutely right. Yes, right now the thought of introducing this Andrew...‘
’Andreas.’
‘Please? Oh, well, Andres, whatever... to announce this man as your boyfriend. And then I see them whispering, all our friends, our business partners, wondering what they're doing, talking behind our backs, giving us a pitying look, staring at my son like a rare insect. And I'm supposed to be amused about this, or what? You just plonk this inconceivable fact down in front of me. You said earlier that you had been dealing with yourself for years, that you needed your time to come to terms with it, and I'm supposed to grasp it all in two minutes and giggle about it? What do you think? And above all, what do you expect of me? That I embrace you enthusiastically? That I confess to you full of delight that I never wanted a daughter-in-law anyway, let alone a grandchild screaming? That I run joyfully towards your father this evening with the words: ‘Darling, something great has happened. Just imagine, our only son is homosexual! Let's celebrate, champagne, caviar!’’
‘Mom! Mama, please... just calm down, please don't cry, oh gosh, I'm sorry, I was an idiot, here, take this tempo... you know what? I'll make us some coffee now. Would you like a cognac with it too? No, don't get up, I'll do it.’
‘Thanks, that's fine, son. I'm just a bit confused at the moment. Would you mind getting the milk out of the fridge? But Jan, please, cognac in these glasses? That's what the snifters are for.’
‘Haha, you're right. That gives me the assurance that you've calmed down again, yes? So again, I'm sorry. I really ambushed you with it. Just blame it on my nervousness. Look, it's not easy for me either, this conversation, okay?‘
’Of course, I imagine so, Jan. Do you want to talk about you? How did it start?’
‘I can't really tell you that anymore either. I just realised one day that I thought the girls were quite nice, I also had some really nice friends at school, but... I only really looked at the boys, if you know what I mean. So, what I mean is, feelings arose in me for them. The first crushes were hard. I was so... so insecure, so confused. It was a terrible time, Mama.‘
’I believe you, darling. What happened next?‘
’I had good contacts on the internet. And one day someone drew my attention to a very special site. A forum where the idea is to write stories. I read through it a few times. And then I registered because I realised that some of the people there had the same problems as me. It's a community that consists of gay people, well, I mean homosexuals, mostly my age. Well, and then I talked to more and more people there, including myself. That helped me a lot. They became my friends, kind of my family!‘
’Come on, Jan, your family is still us!’
‘But not in this case, Mom. I was so alone, so insecure, had no one to talk to because I didn't dare to, I wasn't even sure yet... Mom, I just needed that community there. And today I'm part of them, I belong. And when someone comes along who feels alone and insecure, I try to help them.’
‘Boy, I had no idea. I always just wondered why I didn't notice a girlfriend, why you didn't hint at it, but then I also told myself that when the time came, you would tell us. No young man likes having to officially introduce his girlfriend to his parents.‘
’Mom, have you ever slept with a woman?‘
’Excuse me?’
‘My question is quite simple: have you ever had sex with a woman?‘
’Really, what makes you ask that? Of course not! But... I remember... my goodness, that was a long time ago, I was just entering my 20s... it was at a party.‘
’And what happened?’
‘Well, there was a girl there called Monika... yes, that's right, Monika. And she really flirted with me. At first I was dismissive, but then I was flattered and I thought: why not? You should experience everything at least once!‘
’Oh yeah? You?’
‘Of course, Jan, I was young once too and less inhibited than I am today. Anyway, my goodness, there was alcohol involved too, I let her get me. We went to her house. It was all fun at first, we were fooling around. But then we went to bed. The kiss, well, a real kiss, you know, that seemed strange to me, I had never kissed a woman like that before. And then it got more intimate, oh dear, I remember vaguely, it was just bad.‘
’What was bad?’
‘Well, it got really intimate... and then I just felt sick. And it wasn't from the alcohol. Jan, it was awful. I really have a good relationship with my body, and I think I still look very good at 45... and I thought so in my early 20s too... but to be touched like that by a woman... would you please give me another sip of cognac?’
‘Gladly... and thank you very much for this story, it makes things easier for me.‘
’Why?‘
’Because then I can explain to you better how I feel.‘
’Again, why?‘
’Exactly the same, Mom. I just can't sleep with a woman. I've never even tried it, just the thought ---- it's just not possible.’
‘Hm... do I understand you correctly now? And what about the guilt? Who is to blame for... your condition?‘
’Mother, I don't have any conditions! I'm just gay, that's just the way I am... just like you can only sleep with men, I can only sleep with men. All right?‘
’I just asked you a question, why are you getting aggressive?’
‘Because I'm beginning to doubt that you want to understand me!‘
’I want to, but I can't yet. Now calm down and answer my question: who is to blame? Is it me? Did I not take care of you enough? Your father? Does he have something to do with it?’
‘My father has hardly anything to do with me, but that's another problem. No, Mom, this is not about guilt, after all, it's not a crime! There's no point in sending me to a psychiatrist either, and a cure can't heal me, and there won't be a special clinic in the US!’
‘Jan, please take the handkerchief... not the sleeve... oh boy, I'm sorry. Forgive me, I've done so much wrong.‘
’No, Mom! And that's exactly what you have to understand: there is no guilt. That's not what it's about for me. The fact that you never had enough time for me, okay... but that's a completely different topic. I turned 20 not too long ago, remember? I grew up in my own way. And I'm doing quite well with it. That's what it's about. I just want you to accept me. As the Jan that I am today... can I have another tissue... thanks. I'd like to make a suggestion, okay?‘
’And what would that be?’
‘Come with me on the internet. I want to introduce you to my community. I'd like you to read a few stories. You know, we also have some incredibly nice girls in the community who are very important to us. And then there's the mother of one of our members who is very active. Sometimes she's a bit crazy, but mostly quite harmless. Maybe you could have a private chat with her?’
‘Gladly, Jan. I will do that. But please not today. Give me time. Please. I know what you mean. And I will deal with the subject. You have to be patient with me. It's new. It's strange. And also a bit frightening.‘
’Okay. You're right, I had years of time. Today should have been the beginning, yes?’
‘Yes, Jan, it was a start. And I think we handled it quite well. At some point you can introduce me to your community, I will also read books, and I would like to talk to you about them again and again. And one day, not right away, but soon, I would also like to meet this Andreas. And now I'm just hungry! Do you want to go out for a quick bite?’
‘You know, I'd actually prefer us to stay here and cook something together. We haven't done that in a long time.‘
’Hm, yes okay, we can do that, but unfortunately there is still a problem that you would have to solve.‘
’Oh dear, what now?‘
’Please find that damn potato peeler!’
The second part of this story is also completely fictitious. I just wish there were more clarifying conversations. The ‘film’ refers to ‘Sommersturm’.
A conversation
- Part 2
‘I'm siiiinging in the rain, I'm siiinging in the rain...’
"Jan? Jaahhaannn!’
‘…I'm happy again…‘
’JAN!‘
’Er, yes?‘
’For goodness sake, could you please stop shouting?‘
’Shouting? I'm singing!‘
’Well, I guess we have two different perspectives on that.‘
’Oh Mom, I'm so in love and happy.’
‘I understand that, but could you please be happy a little more quietly?‘
’Can't right now, I'm just floating on cloud nine and could hug the globe... I'm siiiing...‘
’QUIET! Good heavens, nobody can stand that. Let's just have supper, okay? Why don't you set the table, but no singing!’
‘Okay. Can't we eat in the kitchen? Dad's not here today, so it's more comfortable than in the dining room.‘
’Yes, we can do that, and we can talk a little more.‘
’Great, I've been waiting for that all along. After Andreas left last night, I wanted to leave you alone for a while.‘
’Well, it was a bit strange.‘
’What?’
‘The whole situation.‘
’But I got the impression that you thought Andi was okay.‘
’Sure, one thing has nothing to do with the other. Would you like some tea too?‘
’No thanks, I'd rather have a beer. What one thing and what other thing?‘
’The one thing is... put the sausage down too... that I really thought Andi was quite nice...’
‘Quite nice? Oh, what a profound statement.‘
’...and on the other hand, there was the fact that he... I mean... well, that he is your boyfriend.‘
’Mom, how small do you want to cut the bread? Just say it: he's gay, just like me, and he's my lover!’
‘No, Jan, I won't do that. And you won't tell me what to say!‘
’Hm, you're in a mood for a fight right now? Well then, let's go into battle.‘
’Nonsense! I just have the impression that you're taking it a bit too lightly.’
‘That's a matter of opinion, Mom. You could say that if I had introduced you to my drug-addicted girlfriend and made jokes about it or something. But that wasn't the case, after all. You've had three weeks to get used to the fact that I'm gay... no, no, don't glare at me like that... you can keep calling it homosexuality if you like, please, but I'm gay. Pass the butter, will you? So you knew exactly who was coming last night, did you? And we didn't provoke you in any way, we were just sitting there, chatting, Andi was really relaxed, I was also surprised about Dad, he talked a lot, well, mainly about Andi's job, but anyway... your kettle's boiling... and I really don't know why I should take it all too lightly.’
‘Because, in addition to all the polite conversation, the fact remained that you and Andreas are, well, something of a couple.‘
’Something of a what? We are a couple, Mom.’
‘That's what I mean... could you please eat with a knife and fork... but can you maybe imagine how strange it was for me? To see you both sitting there and knowing... well, you know.‘
’Yes, thank you, I can do it, after all I learned it from you.‘
’Please?‘
’To eat with a knife and fork... but I don't feel like it now.’
‘Very funny. Could we get back to the topic? Pass the cheese, please.‘
’Oh, are we talking about cheese now?‘
’Jan! Don't be so silly. I want to talk to you seriously. I'm still missing your relaxed attitude when it comes to this topic.’
‘Horry, Hom, habba hannschte hich hersteeehn, hach hich hor ba chüsch...‘
’What are we practising now? The fuller the mouth, the better the pronunciation? Why don't you bite off another piece, then I'll understand you better.’
‘I repeat: sorry, Mom, but can't you understand that I'm just not that grounded right now because I'm so happy? But okay, let's get back to the topic. So you saw us sitting on the sofa, and somehow something didn't suit you? Why not, Mom? What's the problem, anyway? You've been a little weird to me for the past three weeks.’
‘So, you call it strange. Yes, you're right, what else should I call it? I don't know, I'm not very good at expressing myself.‘
’Come on, you get three tries, just give it a shot.‘
’Hm, I see you so... differently.‘
’Ah yes, now I understand.’
‘Well, I mean, yes, different... you have changed. Maybe I've changed too... you've become a stranger to me.‘
’A stranger? What do you mean? I haven't changed. No, that's not true, of course I've changed, I'm in love.‘
’Don't start singing again.‘
’Oh, look at that, you're grinning again.’
‘Well, but seriously, I feel that you have changed a lot.‘
’That may be, Mom... could you pass the bread, please? But that's not because of my homosexuality, but rather because we haven't had much contact over the last few years.‘
’Oh, so it's time for the blame game? Then let me just say one thing...’
‘Hello? Just a moment, okay? This is not about guilt at all. You wanted to know why I've changed, and I was just about to explain it to you, right?’
‘Oh really? And I thought I heard an unpleasant undertone. But the fact is that you didn't always have time for me either. When I asked you to accompany me to the club or to do other activities together, it was you who retreated to your room with some excuse or other and said you didn't have time!’
‘Joint activities? Am I hearing that right? What was so ‘joint’ about it? That we were in the same room at the tennis club? That you introduced me to some boring, boring exhibition openings to some wannabe artists? I listen to your friends' chatter about their children? Who is doing well at school, excelling at the sports club and won a medal at the last horse show? Who got the best A-levels, who plays how many musical instruments perfectly?
Can you tell me what any of this has to do with the two of us? And why I should come along? Nah, I just thought my time was too precious for that. If you had asked me if we could go to the cinema and then have dinner, chat or something...then I would have come with you.‘
’You never asked me to go to the cinema with you.’
‘No, certainly not, that would probably have made no sense. I could well imagine your astonished look, it's beyond your imagination... going to the cinema with your son, but come on, let's leave that now. You mean that I have changed, and I can only agree with you. You know, I feel tremendously strong. Self-confident. I don't just know that I'm gay, I can talk about it. I've made friends, I've realised that I'm not a stranger on this planet, I've found someone who loves me, who I can love, I'm happy with myself and my world.’
‘I'm really happy for you, but your last sentences were dominated by the word ‘I’. What about me? What about your father? What about us?’
‘Mom, it's just about me right now, don't you understand that? I've just reached a point in my life where I only think about myself. We're a family, of course we always will be, but first of all I'm going to find my own way. Alone. And with that, I'd also like to let you know that I'd like to move out. I can look at a room in a shared flat tomorrow.’
‘What's going on? You want to move out? Are you crazy? That's out of the question. Do you know how few young people manage to get a place at university in their home town? And you want to move out? That's nonsense! You have no idea what it means to live alone, you'd be in for a surprise.’
‘That's right, I have no idea. So it's high time I had the experience. Like most young people my age. Please understand, Mom, I have to stand on my own two feet.‘
’Who came up with this crazy idea? It probably came from this Andreas, right? So that he can visit you more often without running into us. Or do you even want to move in with him?’
‘No, I don't. We're not that far yet. And the idea came from me. Andreas just knows more people than I do and he set me up with this flat share. Like I said, I can take a look at the room tomorrow. And if the two residents and I get along, then it's a go. To answer your question, no, it's not a gay flat share. But they know I'm gay and couldn't care less. They just want someone to help with the rent who is more or less their type.‘
’Well, then everything's settled, yes? Perhaps the unimportant question remains as to who pays the rent? You, perhaps? I'm very curious to see what your father will say about it.’
‘I've already spoken to him, Mom. He sees it the same way I do. We agreed that he will pay the rent and living expenses. I'll take care of any extras myself when I find a job. He wants to talk to a business friend about whether I can get a job as a bicycle courier in his company. Don't look so shocked. OK, OK, we did talk behind your back, but I just thought it would be better if I could give you specific information about what's going to happen to me. Dad thought so too, he knew you wouldn't be happy.’
‘That's very nice, absolutely marvellous... the gentlemen of the family sit down and plan things behind my back, which I am then casually informed about. It didn't occur to you that I still have a say in the matter?’
‘No, Mom, I'm sorry, but you don't. I didn't ask you for permission to move out. I rather hoped that you would understand me. That you would be happy that I want to take my life into my own hands independently. You know, when I talked to Dad about it...‘
’When was that, actually?’
‘...the day before yesterday, when you had your bridge evening... we went to see a film about young gays afterwards...‘
’WHAT are you doing? I just don't believe it! Your father is watching a film about... that can't be true!’
‘But it is, Mom. And he even watched it with interest. Okay, we didn't talk about it much afterwards, but still: he nodded at me and then gave me a big pat on the back. And for someone like Dad, for whom a slight grin at the corners of his mouth is the purest expression of emotion, that's a lot.’
‘That scoundrel, he didn't say a word to me about it.‘
’Well, he must have had his reasons. But what about you? Would you like to watch the film with me sometime? And have you read the story I printed out for you?’
‘Er, no, I don't think I want to see the film. The story was enough for me. Yes, I read it, at least I started... well, it's quite strange for me. I still have to get used to the idea that you... well, I mean... oh, Jan, understand me.‘
’And when do you want to do that?’
‘What?‘
’Get used to it? And deal with the subject. You're still running away. You don't want to talk about it, you'd rather negate it. Nice and cosy, isn't it?’
‘Don't you dare come at me with your lofty reproachfulness, Mr Son! You make it pretty easy for yourself. You just blurt out the fact that you want to move out, mention in passing that you've already sorted everything out with your father, and skilfully stifle my anger with a few accusations! You make fun of my life, find the tennis club, the exhibitions... yes, virtually all my interests ridiculous and annoying, my friends get on your nerves with their pointless chatter. But you've lived quite well in this brainless society all these years, right? But now you're oh so grown up and homosexual to boot, that's what makes you stand out, right? That makes you superior to this society and allows you to look down on these people with pity, who are naturally proud of their children. And of what they have achieved, because very few were born with a golden spoon in their mouths. They also had to work hard for everything they have today, but my son doesn't see that, it's all just a nuisance to him. From now on, the world has to deal with homosexuality, after all, it's the only important topic......‘
’Are you done?‘
’With what?‘
’With eating‘
’What's that supposed to mean?’
‘Then I would like to clear the table, because you're crying into the liverwurst right now... oh mom, come on, give me a hug. Gosh, I didn't mean it like that. Could it be that we've both got a little worked up right now? I'm a little out of it too...‘
’Where are you?‘
’...it's just an expression. I mean there are so many new things coming up for me. My studies, life in general, my love for Andreas. And I just want you to understand me. To be able to understand. We gays are no different from heterosexuals. We have exactly the same worries and problems in our everyday lives, in our relationships, at work... it's just that we still have a harder time in today's society. I know that if I turn up at the tennis club one day with Andreas and introduce him as my husband, there will be horrified, embarrassed silence, we will be greeted fleetingly, any physical contact avoided, and definitely no eye contact. As you said before, people will look at you sympathetically, no one will know what they can say to you, there will be whispering behind your back. And that hurts me, you understand? For you, but also for me. What have I done to people? Those who don't know me still think of me as the nice, sweet boy from a good family. If I came with an Andrea, everything would be fine. But now I'm coming with Andreas, and that alone makes me a monster? Well, exaggeration makes it clear. And sometimes I get so angry, you know? And I just wish that at least you know what's going on inside of me, how I feel, that I'm just gay. You know, I wish for you that one day you can say to your friends out of inner conviction: ‘And this is Andreas. If all goes well, he might be my son-in-law. And that you feel strong about it.‘
’Could you let go of me for a moment, please? I need to catch my breath. Oh Jan, you're right. I was just trying to avoid the subject. It was stupid of me. I'll do better, I promise. Do you still want to move out?’
‘Mom, you're incorrigible... sorry to laugh like that, but sometimes you're really good. One thing has nothing to do with the other. Of course I'll move out. But we'll see each other often, visit each other, maybe see each other more often and more intensely than here at home. What do you say, do we open a bottle of wine and talk about the future? Well, I know roughly what the room looks like, Andi described it to me, and I imagine that I might move the chest of drawers up the hall...‘
’Jan?‘
’Yes?‘
’Let's talk about it when you've actually got the room. I have another idea. Bring up a wine... and then let's watch the film.’