2025-07-10, 03:53 PM
‘Mom, can I talk to you, please?’
‘Of course, sweetheart, you know that, anytime... just not right now, I'm terribly busy.’
"Okay, would you please give me an appointment?’
‘Don't be silly, darling.‘
’I'm serious. And please don't keep calling me ‘darling’; I'm not one of your lab rats. Maybe you vaguely remember my name?‘
’Jan, that's enough! How dare you talk to me like that?‘
’For the simple reason that it's the only way I can get a little of your attention.’
‘Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit? You're giving me the feeling that I don't have enough time for you, nor am I interested in you.‘
’Thanks, I couldn't have put it better myself.‘
’Before you make any more mistakes in your tone, come into the kitchen and talk. It seems important. You have 15 minutes, then I have to go.’
‘All right, I'll be brief. Mother, I'm gay.‘
’But darling... Jan, it doesn't matter, it can happen to anyone. Could you see if you can find this potato peeler? I'm sure I used it just yesterday... WHAT DID YOU SAY?’
‘You just have to listen to me for once, then you'll understand me. And please don't shout, it's not your style.‘
’Well, I don't think it's particularly funny either, that you wanted to scare me like that. Now say what you really wanted to say, I'm listening.’ ’You've got 10 minutes, then I have to go.’
‘I know that. I grew up with that sentence. You always have to leave sometime.
Mother, I didn't want to scare you. I'm serious. I'm gay!‘
’Why do you always call me ‘mother’? You've never done that before.‘
’I've never told you that I'm gay either.’
‘Gosh, I'm completely confused now. Can we sit down and talk in peace?‘
’We only have 5 minutes left, it's not worth it.‘
’Jan, please stay here. The hairdresser's not important. Please excuse me. Can we start over? It wasn't a good start for a conversation like this.’
‘Okay, I'd like that. So, Mom, can I please talk to you?‘
’Yes, Jan, of course. Would you pass me the water bottle, please? Thanks.‘
’I'm gay, Mom. I only love men.‘
’Yes, but... I mean, it can't be... well... I don't know how to say it.’
‘It's okay, Mom, I know. No, it's not a phase and it's not something that will go away.‘
’And how long have you known?‘
’About a year and a half. Before that, it was just an uncertain guess. But then it became more and more certain.‘
’Has it been that long? And you never said anything? Why now?’
‘I first had to come to terms with it myself. And come to terms with it. Besides, now there's a good reason.‘
’And what's that?‘
’I've fallen in love. Not with a crush, like a few times before, but really in love. His name is Andreas, and I want you to meet him.‘
’So I have him to thank for the fact that my son is finally telling me the truth?’
‘No, certainly not. It's about me, but also about you. I just used Andreas as an excuse, as a hook, so to speak. To give myself courage.‘
’Courage? Did you need courage to talk to me about it?‘
’But certainly. I could almost imagine your enthusiasm.‘
’My goodness, what will your father say?’
‘He's not the point now, I'll talk to him later. I want to talk to you about this now. Did you understand exactly what I told you?‘
’I heard your words, but I can't grasp it. What does it all mean?‘
’It means that I can never give you a girlfriend, daughter-in-law or your own grandchild. I will always be a man's partner.’
‘And you're just telling me this?‘
’What do you think I should have done? Write you a letter? Imagine, I even considered doing just that. But then I thought it would be unfair.‘
’Unfair? It's strange to hear you use that word. So I should just accept the fact that you're gay, and you think that's fair?’
‘Okay, let's talk about you. What exactly do you find so appalling about the idea that I'm gay? Can't you stand the thought of me lying in bed with a man, kissing and...‘
’Jan! Stop it! Not a word more about it. And please avoid that word, it sounds incredibly primitive!’
‘Fine, have it your way. Let's look at it from a different angle. There's a big party at the tennis club and I show up with Andreas. You have to introduce him. What do you say then? ‘This is a friend of my son’? Or ‘He's my son's friend’? Or even worse, imagine that in a few years you might have to say: ‘That's my son's husband, my son-in-law.’ Well, how do you feel about that? When the “proper society” finds out that you have a homosexual son, hm?’
‘I'll tell you, Jan. Right now, it just makes me want to throw up. You spring this fact on me that changes our lives and you come at me like that? If you think that ‘proper society’ is important to me, then you're absolutely right. Yes, right now the thought of introducing this Andrew...‘
’Andreas.’
‘Please? Oh, well, Andres, whatever... to announce this man as your boyfriend. And then I see them whispering, all our friends, our business partners, wondering what they're doing, talking behind our backs, giving us a pitying look, staring at my son like a rare insect. And I'm supposed to be amused about this, or what? You just plonk this inconceivable fact down in front of me. You said earlier that you had been dealing with yourself for years, that you needed your time to come to terms with it, and I'm supposed to grasp it all in two minutes and giggle about it? What do you think? And above all, what do you expect of me? That I embrace you enthusiastically? That I confess to you full of delight that I never wanted a daughter-in-law anyway, let alone a grandchild screaming? That I run joyfully towards your father this evening with the words: ‘Darling, something great has happened. Just imagine, our only son is homosexual! Let's celebrate, champagne, caviar!’’
‘Mom! Mama, please... just calm down, please don't cry, oh gosh, I'm sorry, I was an idiot, here, take this tempo... you know what? I'll make us some coffee now. Would you like a cognac with it too? No, don't get up, I'll do it.’
‘Thanks, that's fine, son. I'm just a bit confused at the moment. Would you mind getting the milk out of the fridge? But Jan, please, cognac in these glasses? That's what the snifters are for.’
‘Haha, you're right. That gives me the assurance that you've calmed down again, yes? So again, I'm sorry. I really ambushed you with it. Just blame it on my nervousness. Look, it's not easy for me either, this conversation, okay?‘
’Of course, I imagine so, Jan. Do you want to talk about you? How did it start?’
‘I can't really tell you that anymore either. I just realised one day that I thought the girls were quite nice, I also had some really nice friends at school, but... I only really looked at the boys, if you know what I mean. So, what I mean is, feelings arose in me for them. The first crushes were hard. I was so... so insecure, so confused. It was a terrible time, Mama.‘
’I believe you, darling. What happened next?‘
’I had good contacts on the internet. And one day someone drew my attention to a very special site. A forum where the idea is to write stories. I read through it a few times. And then I registered because I realised that some of the people there had the same problems as me. It's a community that consists of gay people, well, I mean homosexuals, mostly my age. Well, and then I talked to more and more people there, including myself. That helped me a lot. They became my friends, kind of my family!‘
’Come on, Jan, your family is still us!’
‘But not in this case, Mom. I was so alone, so insecure, had no one to talk to because I didn't dare to, I wasn't even sure yet... Mom, I just needed that community there. And today I'm part of them, I belong. And when someone comes along who feels alone and insecure, I try to help them.’
‘Boy, I had no idea. I always just wondered why I didn't notice a girlfriend, why you didn't hint at it, but then I also told myself that when the time came, you would tell us. No young man likes having to officially introduce his girlfriend to his parents.‘
’Mom, have you ever slept with a woman?‘
’Excuse me?’
‘My question is quite simple: have you ever had sex with a woman?‘
’Really, what makes you ask that? Of course not! But... I remember... my goodness, that was a long time ago, I was just entering my 20s... it was at a party.‘
’And what happened?’
‘Well, there was a girl there called Monika... yes, that's right, Monika. And she really flirted with me. At first I was dismissive, but then I was flattered and I thought: why not? You should experience everything at least once!‘
’Oh yeah? You?’
‘Of course, Jan, I was young once too and less inhibited than I am today. Anyway, my goodness, there was alcohol involved too, I let her get me. We went to her house. It was all fun at first, we were fooling around. But then we went to bed. The kiss, well, a real kiss, you know, that seemed strange to me, I had never kissed a woman like that before. And then it got more intimate, oh dear, I remember vaguely, it was just bad.‘
’What was bad?’
‘Well, it got really intimate... and then I just felt sick. And it wasn't from the alcohol. Jan, it was awful. I really have a good relationship with my body, and I think I still look very good at 45... and I thought so in my early 20s too... but to be touched like that by a woman... would you please give me another sip of cognac?’
‘Gladly... and thank you very much for this story, it makes things easier for me.‘
’Why?‘
’Because then I can explain to you better how I feel.‘
’Again, why?‘
’Exactly the same, Mom. I just can't sleep with a woman. I've never even tried it, just the thought ---- it's just not possible.’
‘Hm... do I understand you correctly now? And what about the guilt? Who is to blame for... your condition?‘
’Mother, I don't have any conditions! I'm just gay, that's just the way I am... just like you can only sleep with men, I can only sleep with men. All right?‘
’I just asked you a question, why are you getting aggressive?’
‘Because I'm beginning to doubt that you want to understand me!‘
’I want to, but I can't yet. Now calm down and answer my question: who is to blame? Is it me? Did I not take care of you enough? Your father? Does he have something to do with it?’
‘My father has hardly anything to do with me, but that's another problem. No, Mom, this is not about guilt, after all, it's not a crime! There's no point in sending me to a psychiatrist either, and a cure can't heal me, and there won't be a special clinic in the US!’
‘Jan, please take the handkerchief... not the sleeve... oh boy, I'm sorry. Forgive me, I've done so much wrong.‘
’No, Mom! And that's exactly what you have to understand: there is no guilt. That's not what it's about for me. The fact that you never had enough time for me, okay... but that's a completely different topic. I turned 20 not too long ago, remember? I grew up in my own way. And I'm doing quite well with it. That's what it's about. I just want you to accept me. As the Jan that I am today... can I have another tissue... thanks. I'd like to make a suggestion, okay?‘
’And what would that be?’
‘Come with me on the internet. I want to introduce you to my community. I'd like you to read a few stories. You know, we also have some incredibly nice girls in the community who are very important to us. And then there's the mother of one of our members who is very active. Sometimes she's a bit crazy, but mostly quite harmless. Maybe you could have a private chat with her?’
‘Gladly, Jan. I will do that. But please not today. Give me time. Please. I know what you mean. And I will deal with the subject. You have to be patient with me. It's new. It's strange. And also a bit frightening.‘
’Okay. You're right, I had years of time. Today should have been the beginning, yes?’
‘Yes, Jan, it was a start. And I think we handled it quite well. At some point you can introduce me to your community, I will also read books, and I would like to talk to you about them again and again. And one day, not right away, but soon, I would also like to meet this Andreas. And now I'm just hungry! Do you want to go out for a quick bite?’
‘You know, I'd actually prefer us to stay here and cook something together. We haven't done that in a long time.‘
’Hm, yes okay, we can do that, but unfortunately there is still a problem that you would have to solve.‘
’Oh dear, what now?‘
’Please find that damn potato peeler!’
The second part of this story is also completely fictitious. I just wish there were more clarifying conversations. The ‘film’ refers to ‘Sommersturm’.
‘Of course, sweetheart, you know that, anytime... just not right now, I'm terribly busy.’
"Okay, would you please give me an appointment?’
‘Don't be silly, darling.‘
’I'm serious. And please don't keep calling me ‘darling’; I'm not one of your lab rats. Maybe you vaguely remember my name?‘
’Jan, that's enough! How dare you talk to me like that?‘
’For the simple reason that it's the only way I can get a little of your attention.’
‘Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit? You're giving me the feeling that I don't have enough time for you, nor am I interested in you.‘
’Thanks, I couldn't have put it better myself.‘
’Before you make any more mistakes in your tone, come into the kitchen and talk. It seems important. You have 15 minutes, then I have to go.’
‘All right, I'll be brief. Mother, I'm gay.‘
’But darling... Jan, it doesn't matter, it can happen to anyone. Could you see if you can find this potato peeler? I'm sure I used it just yesterday... WHAT DID YOU SAY?’
‘You just have to listen to me for once, then you'll understand me. And please don't shout, it's not your style.‘
’Well, I don't think it's particularly funny either, that you wanted to scare me like that. Now say what you really wanted to say, I'm listening.’ ’You've got 10 minutes, then I have to go.’
‘I know that. I grew up with that sentence. You always have to leave sometime.
Mother, I didn't want to scare you. I'm serious. I'm gay!‘
’Why do you always call me ‘mother’? You've never done that before.‘
’I've never told you that I'm gay either.’
‘Gosh, I'm completely confused now. Can we sit down and talk in peace?‘
’We only have 5 minutes left, it's not worth it.‘
’Jan, please stay here. The hairdresser's not important. Please excuse me. Can we start over? It wasn't a good start for a conversation like this.’
‘Okay, I'd like that. So, Mom, can I please talk to you?‘
’Yes, Jan, of course. Would you pass me the water bottle, please? Thanks.‘
’I'm gay, Mom. I only love men.‘
’Yes, but... I mean, it can't be... well... I don't know how to say it.’
‘It's okay, Mom, I know. No, it's not a phase and it's not something that will go away.‘
’And how long have you known?‘
’About a year and a half. Before that, it was just an uncertain guess. But then it became more and more certain.‘
’Has it been that long? And you never said anything? Why now?’
‘I first had to come to terms with it myself. And come to terms with it. Besides, now there's a good reason.‘
’And what's that?‘
’I've fallen in love. Not with a crush, like a few times before, but really in love. His name is Andreas, and I want you to meet him.‘
’So I have him to thank for the fact that my son is finally telling me the truth?’
‘No, certainly not. It's about me, but also about you. I just used Andreas as an excuse, as a hook, so to speak. To give myself courage.‘
’Courage? Did you need courage to talk to me about it?‘
’But certainly. I could almost imagine your enthusiasm.‘
’My goodness, what will your father say?’
‘He's not the point now, I'll talk to him later. I want to talk to you about this now. Did you understand exactly what I told you?‘
’I heard your words, but I can't grasp it. What does it all mean?‘
’It means that I can never give you a girlfriend, daughter-in-law or your own grandchild. I will always be a man's partner.’
‘And you're just telling me this?‘
’What do you think I should have done? Write you a letter? Imagine, I even considered doing just that. But then I thought it would be unfair.‘
’Unfair? It's strange to hear you use that word. So I should just accept the fact that you're gay, and you think that's fair?’
‘Okay, let's talk about you. What exactly do you find so appalling about the idea that I'm gay? Can't you stand the thought of me lying in bed with a man, kissing and...‘
’Jan! Stop it! Not a word more about it. And please avoid that word, it sounds incredibly primitive!’
‘Fine, have it your way. Let's look at it from a different angle. There's a big party at the tennis club and I show up with Andreas. You have to introduce him. What do you say then? ‘This is a friend of my son’? Or ‘He's my son's friend’? Or even worse, imagine that in a few years you might have to say: ‘That's my son's husband, my son-in-law.’ Well, how do you feel about that? When the “proper society” finds out that you have a homosexual son, hm?’
‘I'll tell you, Jan. Right now, it just makes me want to throw up. You spring this fact on me that changes our lives and you come at me like that? If you think that ‘proper society’ is important to me, then you're absolutely right. Yes, right now the thought of introducing this Andrew...‘
’Andreas.’
‘Please? Oh, well, Andres, whatever... to announce this man as your boyfriend. And then I see them whispering, all our friends, our business partners, wondering what they're doing, talking behind our backs, giving us a pitying look, staring at my son like a rare insect. And I'm supposed to be amused about this, or what? You just plonk this inconceivable fact down in front of me. You said earlier that you had been dealing with yourself for years, that you needed your time to come to terms with it, and I'm supposed to grasp it all in two minutes and giggle about it? What do you think? And above all, what do you expect of me? That I embrace you enthusiastically? That I confess to you full of delight that I never wanted a daughter-in-law anyway, let alone a grandchild screaming? That I run joyfully towards your father this evening with the words: ‘Darling, something great has happened. Just imagine, our only son is homosexual! Let's celebrate, champagne, caviar!’’
‘Mom! Mama, please... just calm down, please don't cry, oh gosh, I'm sorry, I was an idiot, here, take this tempo... you know what? I'll make us some coffee now. Would you like a cognac with it too? No, don't get up, I'll do it.’
‘Thanks, that's fine, son. I'm just a bit confused at the moment. Would you mind getting the milk out of the fridge? But Jan, please, cognac in these glasses? That's what the snifters are for.’
‘Haha, you're right. That gives me the assurance that you've calmed down again, yes? So again, I'm sorry. I really ambushed you with it. Just blame it on my nervousness. Look, it's not easy for me either, this conversation, okay?‘
’Of course, I imagine so, Jan. Do you want to talk about you? How did it start?’
‘I can't really tell you that anymore either. I just realised one day that I thought the girls were quite nice, I also had some really nice friends at school, but... I only really looked at the boys, if you know what I mean. So, what I mean is, feelings arose in me for them. The first crushes were hard. I was so... so insecure, so confused. It was a terrible time, Mama.‘
’I believe you, darling. What happened next?‘
’I had good contacts on the internet. And one day someone drew my attention to a very special site. A forum where the idea is to write stories. I read through it a few times. And then I registered because I realised that some of the people there had the same problems as me. It's a community that consists of gay people, well, I mean homosexuals, mostly my age. Well, and then I talked to more and more people there, including myself. That helped me a lot. They became my friends, kind of my family!‘
’Come on, Jan, your family is still us!’
‘But not in this case, Mom. I was so alone, so insecure, had no one to talk to because I didn't dare to, I wasn't even sure yet... Mom, I just needed that community there. And today I'm part of them, I belong. And when someone comes along who feels alone and insecure, I try to help them.’
‘Boy, I had no idea. I always just wondered why I didn't notice a girlfriend, why you didn't hint at it, but then I also told myself that when the time came, you would tell us. No young man likes having to officially introduce his girlfriend to his parents.‘
’Mom, have you ever slept with a woman?‘
’Excuse me?’
‘My question is quite simple: have you ever had sex with a woman?‘
’Really, what makes you ask that? Of course not! But... I remember... my goodness, that was a long time ago, I was just entering my 20s... it was at a party.‘
’And what happened?’
‘Well, there was a girl there called Monika... yes, that's right, Monika. And she really flirted with me. At first I was dismissive, but then I was flattered and I thought: why not? You should experience everything at least once!‘
’Oh yeah? You?’
‘Of course, Jan, I was young once too and less inhibited than I am today. Anyway, my goodness, there was alcohol involved too, I let her get me. We went to her house. It was all fun at first, we were fooling around. But then we went to bed. The kiss, well, a real kiss, you know, that seemed strange to me, I had never kissed a woman like that before. And then it got more intimate, oh dear, I remember vaguely, it was just bad.‘
’What was bad?’
‘Well, it got really intimate... and then I just felt sick. And it wasn't from the alcohol. Jan, it was awful. I really have a good relationship with my body, and I think I still look very good at 45... and I thought so in my early 20s too... but to be touched like that by a woman... would you please give me another sip of cognac?’
‘Gladly... and thank you very much for this story, it makes things easier for me.‘
’Why?‘
’Because then I can explain to you better how I feel.‘
’Again, why?‘
’Exactly the same, Mom. I just can't sleep with a woman. I've never even tried it, just the thought ---- it's just not possible.’
‘Hm... do I understand you correctly now? And what about the guilt? Who is to blame for... your condition?‘
’Mother, I don't have any conditions! I'm just gay, that's just the way I am... just like you can only sleep with men, I can only sleep with men. All right?‘
’I just asked you a question, why are you getting aggressive?’
‘Because I'm beginning to doubt that you want to understand me!‘
’I want to, but I can't yet. Now calm down and answer my question: who is to blame? Is it me? Did I not take care of you enough? Your father? Does he have something to do with it?’
‘My father has hardly anything to do with me, but that's another problem. No, Mom, this is not about guilt, after all, it's not a crime! There's no point in sending me to a psychiatrist either, and a cure can't heal me, and there won't be a special clinic in the US!’
‘Jan, please take the handkerchief... not the sleeve... oh boy, I'm sorry. Forgive me, I've done so much wrong.‘
’No, Mom! And that's exactly what you have to understand: there is no guilt. That's not what it's about for me. The fact that you never had enough time for me, okay... but that's a completely different topic. I turned 20 not too long ago, remember? I grew up in my own way. And I'm doing quite well with it. That's what it's about. I just want you to accept me. As the Jan that I am today... can I have another tissue... thanks. I'd like to make a suggestion, okay?‘
’And what would that be?’
‘Come with me on the internet. I want to introduce you to my community. I'd like you to read a few stories. You know, we also have some incredibly nice girls in the community who are very important to us. And then there's the mother of one of our members who is very active. Sometimes she's a bit crazy, but mostly quite harmless. Maybe you could have a private chat with her?’
‘Gladly, Jan. I will do that. But please not today. Give me time. Please. I know what you mean. And I will deal with the subject. You have to be patient with me. It's new. It's strange. And also a bit frightening.‘
’Okay. You're right, I had years of time. Today should have been the beginning, yes?’
‘Yes, Jan, it was a start. And I think we handled it quite well. At some point you can introduce me to your community, I will also read books, and I would like to talk to you about them again and again. And one day, not right away, but soon, I would also like to meet this Andreas. And now I'm just hungry! Do you want to go out for a quick bite?’
‘You know, I'd actually prefer us to stay here and cook something together. We haven't done that in a long time.‘
’Hm, yes okay, we can do that, but unfortunately there is still a problem that you would have to solve.‘
’Oh dear, what now?‘
’Please find that damn potato peeler!’
The second part of this story is also completely fictitious. I just wish there were more clarifying conversations. The ‘film’ refers to ‘Sommersturm’.