2025-07-10, 03:58 PM
Nobody really knew what I was like inside. Sure, I had good friends, but I was afraid that they would no longer be my friends if I really opened up to them. It wasn't really right to call them friends either. Friends should always stick by you.
Four years ago, I moved house. Back then, I resolved to do everything differently, to be honest with the people I met. Unfortunately, this resolution vanished into thin air after a very short time. I was pretending again, I was lying to them.
Don't get me wrong, I never did it with any ill will. I didn't do it consciously, it just came out of me. Maybe because I wanted to belong, maybe because I just wanted to please the others. I always tried to please everyone so that everyone would accept me. Actually, the people I argued with can be happy. They were the only ones who really got to know something about me.
I closed myself off from my parents very early on. I never told them about my problems at school. I wasn't a bad student. My grades were always such that my parents could be satisfied. I just didn't get on with my classmates. I was always the one who got picked on. Everyone picked on me. I never told my parents about it. They always thought everything was fine. I never said or did anything to make them doubt it either. It wasn't as if my parents were some kind of brutes. In fact, I could never complain about them. I think I could have told them everything. I don't know why I didn't. Maybe because I really loved them and didn't want to burden them with my problems.
I still told my friends at the time about my problems at school. However, I never told them how I really felt about it. They didn't know how bad it made me feel, how much I suffered. I only told them what my classmates had done to me and got upset about it. But I didn't tell them about the tears I cried quietly when I lay alone in my bed at night. Even then I was broken inside, but I never told anyone about it. I always tried to sort everything out on my own. But I never managed it.
In the beginning, my problems weren't that big, I was still able to suppress them. I still managed to be the friendly, good-humored person on the outside that everyone thought I was. I made everyone believe that I really was like that, always the kind sunshine who got on well with everyone. But at some point it just didn't work anymore and I started to withdraw. It didn't happen suddenly, but very slowly. I didn't completely isolate myself from the others, but simply held back a little and wasn't as euphoric as usual.
After my move, I still had contact with my 'old' friends from time to time. At that time, I raved to them about how well I was doing and how great everything was. But of course I wasn't really doing that well. I felt alone, I didn't know anyone and I didn't know what to do.
I'm not someone who finds it easy to meet new people. I actually always worry far too much about what other people think of me. 'What will they think of me if I just go up and talk to them? I was simply far too afraid of rejection. Although I don't even know why. I can't remember a terrible childhood experience that could have triggered something like that. However, I'm not a psychologist or anything. I'm not really familiar with that sort of thing.
Somehow I did get to know someone. I was really honest with them at first. I told them everything normal, everything innocuous. That superficial small talk that everyone knows. But when it got a bit deeper, I closed off the real me again. I was simply afraid of being too boring for the others. That I wasn't worth getting to know better.
It came automatically again. I told random stories. Things I'd supposedly experienced, countries I'd supposedly been to, relationships I'd supposedly felt. I just wanted to make myself as interesting as possible so that I would be noticed. To make it worthwhile to be friends with me.
I lacked the self-confidence to stand up for myself, to show the real me. I was simply too afraid to do so. I was afraid of being left again. That my friends would turn away from me again.
Over time, I lost contact with my 'old' friends. There was no particular reason for this, it just happened. At some point, the calls became less and less frequent without me consciously noticing. At some point, there were no more calls at all. I had lost them because I was no longer present. They no longer saw me. Out of sight, out of mind. I was no longer of interest to them. My fears came true.
However, these thoughts only came when contact had already been completely broken off. Unconsciously, this confirmed me in my efforts to make myself better and better. I was also successful with this. I gathered more and more 'friends' around me. People who thought they knew me, who thought they understood me. But in truth, nobody knew who I really was. I lived in my own little world that nobody knew anything about. I was alone with my dreams and hopes. No one knew my inner self, I just didn't show myself to anyone.
Then you came along.
Right from the start, I sensed that you were different. But I was also afraid of it. I had never met anyone like you before. I didn't know what it was that was different about you. I just sensed it. I held back with you, only said a little and observed you more. I kept noticing that you were watching me too. You made me feel insecure. But very slowly and inexorably, you became more and more a part of my life. I couldn't do anything about it, you were just there. But I didn't want you to disappear again. I was even more afraid of that with you than with anyone else. I was afraid that you would disappear again before I got to know you, before I found out your secret.
We spent more and more time together. Only with the others at first. But as time went on, just the two of us. We just met up somewhere, had a coffee and watched each other. We hardly talked to each other.
It was strange. I didn't know what it was about you that fascinated me so much. I just knew that I wouldn't be happy if you disappeared from my life.
At some point, you started talking. Just like that. You told me about your life and I listened. You just told me everything and didn't expect anything in return. You didn't want anything in return. I was captivated by it. I absorbed every single piece of information and craved more and more. After a short time, I felt like I really knew you. As if I had lived through your whole life. You told me about your fears and feelings just like that. I soon felt like I was a part of your life.
Four years ago, I moved house. Back then, I resolved to do everything differently, to be honest with the people I met. Unfortunately, this resolution vanished into thin air after a very short time. I was pretending again, I was lying to them.
Don't get me wrong, I never did it with any ill will. I didn't do it consciously, it just came out of me. Maybe because I wanted to belong, maybe because I just wanted to please the others. I always tried to please everyone so that everyone would accept me. Actually, the people I argued with can be happy. They were the only ones who really got to know something about me.
I closed myself off from my parents very early on. I never told them about my problems at school. I wasn't a bad student. My grades were always such that my parents could be satisfied. I just didn't get on with my classmates. I was always the one who got picked on. Everyone picked on me. I never told my parents about it. They always thought everything was fine. I never said or did anything to make them doubt it either. It wasn't as if my parents were some kind of brutes. In fact, I could never complain about them. I think I could have told them everything. I don't know why I didn't. Maybe because I really loved them and didn't want to burden them with my problems.
I still told my friends at the time about my problems at school. However, I never told them how I really felt about it. They didn't know how bad it made me feel, how much I suffered. I only told them what my classmates had done to me and got upset about it. But I didn't tell them about the tears I cried quietly when I lay alone in my bed at night. Even then I was broken inside, but I never told anyone about it. I always tried to sort everything out on my own. But I never managed it.
In the beginning, my problems weren't that big, I was still able to suppress them. I still managed to be the friendly, good-humored person on the outside that everyone thought I was. I made everyone believe that I really was like that, always the kind sunshine who got on well with everyone. But at some point it just didn't work anymore and I started to withdraw. It didn't happen suddenly, but very slowly. I didn't completely isolate myself from the others, but simply held back a little and wasn't as euphoric as usual.
After my move, I still had contact with my 'old' friends from time to time. At that time, I raved to them about how well I was doing and how great everything was. But of course I wasn't really doing that well. I felt alone, I didn't know anyone and I didn't know what to do.
I'm not someone who finds it easy to meet new people. I actually always worry far too much about what other people think of me. 'What will they think of me if I just go up and talk to them? I was simply far too afraid of rejection. Although I don't even know why. I can't remember a terrible childhood experience that could have triggered something like that. However, I'm not a psychologist or anything. I'm not really familiar with that sort of thing.
Somehow I did get to know someone. I was really honest with them at first. I told them everything normal, everything innocuous. That superficial small talk that everyone knows. But when it got a bit deeper, I closed off the real me again. I was simply afraid of being too boring for the others. That I wasn't worth getting to know better.
It came automatically again. I told random stories. Things I'd supposedly experienced, countries I'd supposedly been to, relationships I'd supposedly felt. I just wanted to make myself as interesting as possible so that I would be noticed. To make it worthwhile to be friends with me.
I lacked the self-confidence to stand up for myself, to show the real me. I was simply too afraid to do so. I was afraid of being left again. That my friends would turn away from me again.
Over time, I lost contact with my 'old' friends. There was no particular reason for this, it just happened. At some point, the calls became less and less frequent without me consciously noticing. At some point, there were no more calls at all. I had lost them because I was no longer present. They no longer saw me. Out of sight, out of mind. I was no longer of interest to them. My fears came true.
However, these thoughts only came when contact had already been completely broken off. Unconsciously, this confirmed me in my efforts to make myself better and better. I was also successful with this. I gathered more and more 'friends' around me. People who thought they knew me, who thought they understood me. But in truth, nobody knew who I really was. I lived in my own little world that nobody knew anything about. I was alone with my dreams and hopes. No one knew my inner self, I just didn't show myself to anyone.
Then you came along.
Right from the start, I sensed that you were different. But I was also afraid of it. I had never met anyone like you before. I didn't know what it was that was different about you. I just sensed it. I held back with you, only said a little and observed you more. I kept noticing that you were watching me too. You made me feel insecure. But very slowly and inexorably, you became more and more a part of my life. I couldn't do anything about it, you were just there. But I didn't want you to disappear again. I was even more afraid of that with you than with anyone else. I was afraid that you would disappear again before I got to know you, before I found out your secret.
We spent more and more time together. Only with the others at first. But as time went on, just the two of us. We just met up somewhere, had a coffee and watched each other. We hardly talked to each other.
It was strange. I didn't know what it was about you that fascinated me so much. I just knew that I wouldn't be happy if you disappeared from my life.
At some point, you started talking. Just like that. You told me about your life and I listened. You just told me everything and didn't expect anything in return. You didn't want anything in return. I was captivated by it. I absorbed every single piece of information and craved more and more. After a short time, I felt like I really knew you. As if I had lived through your whole life. You told me about your fears and feelings just like that. I soon felt like I was a part of your life.