07-10-2025, 03:03 PM
He realized that he was slow. The times that were reported to him only confirmed his feeling. Even the shooting didn't work out. There was too much going on in his head. He knew he had to make a decision, but how? The season was almost over, maybe he would make it then.
He was 28 years old, a successful biathlete, and actually at the peak of his career.
He had been skiing since he was a child and when he started biathlon, he knew that this was his sport.
He made it to the top. His World Cup successes were the highlights.
But the sport also gave him the opportunity to avoid making some personal decisions. He realized very early on that he was attracted to men.
But he never wanted to admit to himself that he was really gay.
Of course there were men in his life, but these were only fleeting encounters, just slips. Then he met Marie. The two of them got along perfectly. Like him, she was ambitious in her sport. And she, too, tried to suppress her feelings. Each accepted the other as he was and made no demands on the other.
They became the dream couple of biathlon.
For years it worked wonderfully, but then the house of cards collapsed.
Sven and Marie wanted to get married. The date was set. Construction of the house should begin shortly. But then Marie fell in love. Her career as a biathlete was over for health reasons. The only reason for this wedding was Gideon.
But she realized that they wouldn't be happy that way. And so she decided for love and left Gideon.
For Gideon, it was as if the ground had been pulled out from under him. He had no one to turn to either. He had never allowed himself to build a real relationship. He fell into an emotional hole.
His performance deteriorated rapidly. His trainer tried to find out what was going on, but Gideon didn't let anyone get close to him. He lost his edge, stopped eating properly and lost a lot of weight.
He was well aware that he couldn't keep it up for long, but he
didn't see a way out.
Then came the breakdown.
It was at the beginning of the summer training camp.
While riding his bike, he had a circulatory collapse. He lost consciousness and
drove down an embankment. He dislocated his shoulder and severely tore his cruciate ligament. He was taken to the hospital. Since a concussion could not be ruled out, he stayed there overnight.
Suddenly he was alone with his thoughts. He could no longer distract himself from them. He didn't get any sleep that night. His thoughts raced. He realized a few things, for example, that it was no longer possible for him to hide his inclinations in the long run. But how was he supposed to do that? The insults went through his mind: fag, queer,
back-loader, etc.
In the morning, he didn't know what to think anymore. But he decided to get help. His trainer Frank picked him up. The two got along very well. And yet Gideon was afraid to confide in him.
When Gideon told Frank that he wanted to make an appointment with Dr. Brack, the team psychologist, Frank was deeply relieved. He was really very worried about his friend. Frank also worked hard to make sure that Gideon got an appointment very quickly.
First, Dr. Brack took the normal medical history up to Gideon's accident. He also asked him about sleep disorders and his appetite.
Then he wanted to know why Gideon was there.
This embarrassed the athlete a lot.
The doctor immediately noticed that Gideon had severe problems answering this question. So he began to cautiously approach the real problem.
They talked about sports and family. But they still stuck to the general things.
When the time was up, they decided to meet again every day.
Gideon left the session feeling much relieved. He began to believe that the psychologist could help him.
When he arrived on time the next day, he was determined to tell the doc what his real problem was.
They greeted each other and the doc asked him how he had been since the last session. Gideon had to admit, to the doc's surprise, that he had been very well. He had had trouble falling asleep, but then slept soundly until the morning.
When asked why he hadn't been able to fall asleep, he replied that a lot of thoughts had been going around in his head and it had been difficult to get them to stop.
“What were these thoughts?” the doctor pressed.
“Many different ones,” came the evasive answer.
But the doctor wasn't satisfied with that. “Was there a main thought? A thought that was the hardest to quiet?”
Gideon kneaded his hands. “Yes. ... How and where to start!”
Suddenly he had a real lump in his throat.
“With what? With what do you want to start?”
"Accepting the truth and finally living.”
“What truth?“
Gideon couldn't look his counterpart in the face.
”What I am!“
”What are you?” Dr. Brack pressed on.
Gideon put his hands over his face and whispered, ‘Gay!’
The doctor was shocked.
Not that his patient was gay, but about the agony that this realization brought to this young man. About the fact that this fact still had the power to destroy a person in our time.
At first, the doctor had to search for words.
“Why are you so afraid of it?” He asked gently.
Gideon had to calm down first. The doctor gave him time to do so. But the question remained and had to be answered.
“I think I'm afraid of the consequences.”
"What would they be?”
“I would lose friends, have to lead a completely different life. I would even have to give up the sport that means everything to me. It is my life, after all. What would my family say? And my fans? I would lose everything.“
Gideon was desperate.
”I would like to end the session here.
However, I would like to ask you to sit down today and write down the reasons why you think you would lose everything that is valuable and dear to you in your life if you were to come out."
Gideon left the practice with very mixed feelings. It was the very first time in his life that he had admitted to himself and to a stranger that he was gay.
It was a really great feeling. He had thrown part of his burden overboard. On the other hand, he almost felt that everyone could see it on his face.
As if he had the word “gay” tattooed on his forehead. That scared him again.
But he also realized that this was the only right way.
That evening, he was really euphoric. This was also noticed by his teammates. They had a great evening together.
But when Gideon set about the task that Dr. Brack had given him, he once again had the feeling that a heavy burden was weighing on his soul.
He sat alone in his room and thought about the doctor's question.
Yes, why should he lose everything that meant something to him? He remained the person he had always been, happier and more open perhaps, but still very much himself.
The change that would come with coming out scared him. He feared losing friends, that his family would not stand by him and that he would lose the respect of his fans, which was very important to him. He wrote it down and presented it to the doctor the next day.
"Hello Gideon. How are you today? How did you get on with your task?”
“I'm actually doing quite well. But your task cost me a lot of nerves!“
”Why is that?“
”I've thought of many reasons why I shouldn't come out. But for every reason I could think of, the counter-reason came right away. For example, I might lose friends if they found out that I...”
he had to take a deep breath before he could continue. Hesitantly, he continued.
”...gay.
But on the other hand, real friends would know that I haven't changed. I'm still the same person. So I'd always keep my real friends, right?”
“That's true.
However, some of your friends may drop you because they can't handle it. Friends you thought you knew. I don't want to scare you, but you have to realize that. You can't ask too much of people.”
In the next few sessions, they discussed how Gideon should begin his coming out. What was he already ready for? Did he want to tell only a few people, or should he make it generally known? Should his family know? How much of a strain would it be on his job?
Sven started training again after two weeks. Now the moment had come for him to start making his “new life” public. The first person he wanted to tell was one of his best friends: his trainer Frank.
Gideon asked him to come to his room after dinner. He waited for him excitedly.
They talked about the training and how much Gideon could take in this regard again. Then Frank asked if Gideon was feeling better now.
“The sessions with Dr. Brack seem to agree with you!”
"Yes, it's going quite well. But it will probably be a long way before I feel really good again.”
“Really? I have the feeling that you are already back to your old self!“
”I'll never be that again!“
Frank looked at him in astonishment.
”Why is that?“
”Because I was just faking it for you and everyone else.“
Gideon looked down sheepishly.
”You'll have to explain that in more detail,”
his friend urged him.
“You know that Marie and I have separated.”
“Yes, and I thought that was what had upset you so much.”
"That's true in a sense, yes... Have I ever told you the reason for our separation?”
“You said at the time that things had been going wrong between you for quite a while and that Marie had fallen in love with someone else.“
”Nothing ever happened between Marie and me...“ Sven interrupted him violently.
”Excuse me?“
”If we had gotten married, the marriage would have been a sham for me and for Marie.”
Frank's eyes widened as he began to understand what Sven was saying.
“Marie realized it much earlier than I did, thank God. Otherwise, I might have continued like this for the rest of my life. And at some point, I would have broken,” he continued.
“Are you telling me that you're gay?”
Sven looked Frank in the eye and nodded.
For a while, neither of them said anything. Then Frank asked:
“What do you expect from me now?”
“I don't know... maybe that nothing changes between us and that we remain friends?”
Again, there was silence for a while.
“I don't understand,“ Frank finally spoke up again, ‘why you kept it secret for so long? But now at least I know what has been bothering you for so long. In my eyes, you are still the same person you always were. And I would be happy if we could continue to be friends.’
”You don't know what that means to me.”
Gideon laughed with relief. They talked for a long time that evening, and by the time they parted, their friendship had grown even stronger.
This had been the first step.
The second step was to tell his parents and his sister. He wanted to talk to his sister first...
The very next weekend, the opportunity arose. He invited his sister to dinner. When they got their food, Gideon tried to turn their conversation to his problem.
“Say, Susan, you and Marie always got along very well, didn't you?”
“We still get along very well, why?”
"Did you also talk about private things?”
“Yes, sure, but what are you getting at?“ His sister looked at him questioningly.
”Have you ever talked about our separation?“
”Yes, of course.“
”What did she tell you?“
”She told me that she fell in love with someone else!“
”Do you know who?”
“Yes, of course. And if you want to know if I know about you, the answer is yes!“
Sven didn't know what to say. Susan looked him in the eye. She took his hand and squeezed it. Then he knew that everything was fine.
During dessert, Sven asked:
”Do Mom and Dad know too?”
“Yes.“
Sven was incredibly relieved. His parents hadn't changed their behavior towards him.
So he could assume that they accepted it.
”Why didn't you ever tell me that you knew what was wrong with me?”
“I can only speak for myself, big brother. But I figured I shouldn't force you to come out. And you're rarely home. It took me a while to realize it, too. Besides, it's your life, isn't it? I guess our parents felt the same way. I think they're waiting for you to finally tell them.”
And that's exactly what Sven wanted to do. The opportunity arose the next morning at breakfast.
“Good morning!”
“Good morning, my boy. Did you sleep well?”
“As well as I haven't slept in ages.”
"By the way, Susan sends her regards. She called earlier.”
His father reported when he came in.
“Well then she certainly also told what we talked about yesterday, right?”
He had a lump in his throat. He was still afraid of this conversation.
“She made a few suggestions.” Said his mother.
"Susan also said that you have a question for us!”
His parents looked at him expectantly.
Taking a deep breath, Gideon asked,
“Why didn't you tell me that you suspected for quite a while that I was homosexual?”
“That's a good question,” his father looked him openly in the face. “We thought that you should decide for yourself when you are ready to tell us.”
“Yes, that's what Susan meant, too. And you're okay with it?“
”Honey, it's not up to us. We want you to be happy and we really hope that you find someone who will make you happy.” His mother took him in her arms.
“Gideon, what really bothered us was that we saw how much you were struggling. And we couldn't help you because we didn't know what was bothering you for a long time. That was really hard for us!"
When Gideon was back at the training camp, he realized how much the last few weeks had drained him mentally.
He realized that he could really use the vacation, the obligatory fourteen days of vacation remaining before the exhausting season. Gideon wanted to spend these days with his teammate Eirik Aukland in Norway. He lived near Stockholm. He had asked Gideon if he wanted to visit him during the last week of the previous season, and Gideon had gladly accepted. Gideon had taken a shine to Norway and so he also had the opportunity to visit friends.
He arrived there one early afternoon. Eirik lived in a two-family house. His younger brother Fredrik lived in the second apartment.
To Sven's surprise, Eirik's older brother Doug was currently living in the two-room apartment in the basement.
Doug was the same age as Gideon and had just switched from cross-country skiing to biathlon. The upcoming competitions would mark his second season. Gideon hadn't had much contact with Doug, but he really liked the tall, blond athlete.
He was happy to have the opportunity to get to know the young man better.
He rested for the first two days. He slept a lot, read a little and visited old friends.
Since Eirik had to take care of his advertising contracts, he apologized a thousand times for that, Doug had to play the “tourist guide”. But this task didn't seem to bother him. Gideon also enjoyed the other's presence.
He felt attracted to Doug and for the first time in his life he could honestly admit his feelings. He didn't have any hopes, since it still seemed abstract to him that there could be other athletes, let alone other biathletes, who were gay. Doug showed him the sights of Stockholm. They visited the Norwegian training camp, went out to eat together and went to the disco or the movies in the evenings.
The fortnight went by in a flash and Gideon felt really good. Unfortunately Doug had to cancel the last evening because he was invited to a friend's birthday party. Sven was very sorry about this and decided to go out alone that evening. Doug promised Gideon that he would take him to the plane the next morning.
When Doug had left, Gideon set off. He had noticed a disco in the city center that had a rainbow flag in the window. Since he hardly needed to be afraid of being discovered, he entered.
The place was already quite lively. Apparently, a birthday was even being celebrated in the back area of the disco. Gideon went to the bar and ordered a drink. Then he let the events take effect on him. In the world of this bar, it seemed quite normal for two men to dance with each other, kiss and exchange caresses. The music was good and literally pulled him onto the dance floor. And where before there had been fear of discovery and rejection, now a feeling of recognition and welcome spread.
Suddenly he felt someone tapping him on the shoulder. He turned around with a start and looked into the big, beautiful and slightly irritated eyes of Doug.
Both spoke at the same time.
“What are you doing here?”
They had to laugh.
"I'm celebrating a friend's birthday here, like I told you.”
“And I felt like dancing.“
”You don't happen to know what this place is, do you?“ Doug asked.
”If you mean whether I know that this is a place mainly gay people come to, I have to say yes, I do know that. And I'm not lost!”
Gideon looked Doug firmly in the eye. He knew that he was blushing quite a bit. But he didn't want to lie anymore. He didn't want to advertise his sexual orientation, but if the conversation turned to that topic, he wanted to answer honestly.
Doug smiled.
"I didn't know that the good Lord fulfilled hopes so quickly.”
“Aren't your friends going to wonder where you are?“
”No, I don't think so. I told them I had to talk to you and that it might take a while.“
”How come you're celebrating your friend's birthday,
his eyes were fixed on Doug,
in a gay disco?”
“Well, this is our favorite disco and we know the owner very well. By the way, he's celebrating his birthday over there, you know?“
Doug grinned mischievously at Gideon, who couldn't help but return it.
”What did you mean by 'fulfilling hope'?”
“I'd rather discuss that with you somewhere else. What do you say we go home and make ourselves comfortable at my place?“
Gideon said yes and Doug went to say goodbye to his friends.
They took a taxi and soon arrived at Doug's apartment.
”Say, why do you actually live here? I thought you had an apartment in the city center?”
“I had that with my ex-boyfriend, too. We broke up in September last year. Then the season started again soon and I haven't had time to look for a place of my own yet. I actually find it quite comfortable here. Would you like a drink?“
”Yes, a beer if you have it. Starting tomorrow, I'll stop living this sinful life.”
Doug handed Gideon a beer and made himself comfortable on the sofa next to him.
“So, what was that about hope?” Gideon asked again.
“You're not going to let up, are you?” Doug tried to avoid the question, feeling embarrassed.
“Not if I have the feeling that I somehow play a role in it!”
"Well, okay. You win. I'll tell you. When I saw you for the first time last year, I fell for you. I asked around a bit and was quite disappointed when I heard that you were in a relationship and were planning to get married soon. Shortly after that, I heard that you were single again. Well, I think you're very interesting and that's why I asked Eirik to invite you.”
Gideon was completely flabbergasted.
“You're clever. Why didn't you just talk to me and ask me what was going on with me?”
“Would you have answered me honestly back then?”
“No, I don't think so!”
Doug took Gideon's hand in his own and squeezed it gently. He had noticed how difficult it was for his counterpart to talk about all this.
“You said earlier that you lived with your boyfriend...“
”Ex-boyfriend!“
”OK, ex-boyfriend. So your brothers and parents know, right?“
”Our parents died in a car accident six years ago.“
”Oh, I didn't know that.
“They never knew that I was gay. I only told Eirik and Frode shortly after the death of my parents. I realized how quickly life can be over. And then I want to be able to say to myself, that's how I would want to live my life again. Sounds crazy, doesn't it?“
”No, not at all.”
They talked about Sven's coming out and Doug's ex-boyfriend. Time flew by and when they looked at the clock for the first time, it was already 6 o'clock in the morning.
Doug decided to make breakfast while Gideon took a shower.
While Gideon was in the shower, he thought about Doug. He was falling in love. But how should it go on with them? He in Germany and Doug in Norway. They definitely had to talk about it.
When they met at the breakfast table, Gideon was quite nervous. Doug had set the table with love and had bought rolls.
He sat down opposite Doug.
“Doug, do you have any idea how we should proceed?“
”Is there an 'us'?“
”As far as I'm concerned, yes!“
Doug stood up and came over to him. He pulled Gideon up and held him tightly in his arms.
”You have no idea how happy you make me.”
He gently kissed him on the mouth. At that moment, Gideon knew that what he had done was right. Only with the path he had ultimately taken would he be happy. And he very much hoped so with this man, too.
"But how should it go on now? You here in Norway and me in good old Germany?”
“It's only a few more weeks. When the season and pre-training starts, we'll be together again. And then at every competition venue. Even in the same accommodation. We'll have to bridge the time until then somehow. There's telephone, e-mail, post and airplanes. I think we can do it. Can you?”
Doug had spoken very quickly. Gideon sensed his insecurity. After the last question, Doug looked at him hopefully and questioningly. Gideon smiled and nodded.
“Yes, we'll manage.”
Then it was time to leave. Gideon put his things in the car and then they headed for the airport. Both found this moment difficult. They wanted to talk to each other, discover their love. One still had so much to give to the other. Gideon's flight was called. They hardly knew how to say goodbye. Their love was so fresh and so fragile. They shook hands and were about to say “goodbye” when Doug pulled Gideon into his arms and kissed him. Then he left.
Gideon boarded the plane with tear-filled eyes.
Doug had given him a package shortly before departure, but he was not supposed to open it until the plane was in the air.
As soon as the plane left the ground, he tore open the package. Inside were a competition medal and a letter.
"Dear Gideon,
the medal you are holding is the first I ever won.
It is very special to me,
just like you.
I want you to keep it until we meet again.
I love you,
Doug.”
In the letter, he also found a picture of the two of them. Eirik had taken it at the beginning of the vacation.
Both were laughing and feeling comfortable.
Gideon arrived at the training camp in the evening.
After dinner, he went over his training plan with Frank. After that, Frank looked at him intently.
"You really seem to have benefited from the vacation, don't you?”
“What makes you say that?“
”You look very relaxed. And you're really glowing. Is there something I should know about?“
”Not yet, but maybe soon."
And he couldn't help grinning.
When he was in his room, he saw that there were two messages on his answering machine. He listened to them with bated breath. The first was from his mother. She wanted to know how his vacation was and if he had come back safely. He decided to call his mother back the next day.
The second call was from Doug.
"Hello Gideon...
I know it's way too early to call you. I never was a patient person. I was hoping to reach you a little earlier, but it was probably too early.
I'll wait for your call.
Bye."
Gideon was moved to tears. On the one hand, he was sad that Doug couldn't be with him and felt very lonely. On the other hand, he was also happy. With his much too early call, Doug had shown him that he was not any different.
He made himself comfortable on his bed and, with slightly shaky fingers, dialed Doug's number. It had only rung briefly when the call was picked up on the other end.
“Hi!”
“Hello, did you get back okay?”
“Back yes, but not okay!”
Startled, Doug held his breath.
"What happened? Are you all right?”
“Don't worry. I'm fine. I just feel so lonely and alone without you.“
”You scared the hell out of me.“
”I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just miss you so much.“
”I miss you too. Why do you think I tried to call you an hour ago? Did you open the package?”
“Yes, and I promise I'll take good care of the medal and our picture is already in my wallet.“
”I have a little surprise for you!“
”Yes? What?“
”Could I come and visit you the weekend in three weeks? But only if you want me to?“ came the hesitant reply.
”Of course I want you to. I can hardly wait.”
They talked on the phone for a long time.
The next three weeks were quite exhausting for Gideon.
The training was hard and intense. But that was a good thing. It meant he had little time to be lonely and miss Doug. They talked on the phone every evening. And the longing for each other grew and grew.
Then it arrived. The long-awaited weekend.
Gideon picked up Doug from the airport. When they greeted each other, Gideon didn't let himself give in to his feelings. He was in his home country and no one here knew that he was gay.
He hugged Doug, but didn't dare to kiss the man he loved in public.
During the drive, they talked about trivialities.
But as soon as the door to Gideon's apartment was closed, he pulled Doug into his arms and kissed him. At first gently and carefully, then more and more demanding and searching.
Sven pulled Doug with him into the bedroom.
There they sank onto the bed in an intimate embrace.
As they lay exhausted in each other's arms, Gideon said:
“My God, I'm glad you're finally here with me. I couldn't have lasted another day.“
Doug smiled happily and snuggled up in his boyfriend's arms.
”I missed you too. For me, the wait was almost unbearable too. It's a shame that I can only stay for a short time.”
“I don't even want to think about you having to leave so soon.“
”Hopefully you haven't planned too much for this weekend?“
With a mischievous twinkle in his eye, he smiled at Gideon.
”Actually, the whole weekend is already planned. You won't have much time to catch your breath.”
Doug looked at Gideon in horror. Only when he realized that there was a twinkle in Gideon's eyes, too, did he realize that he had fallen for a joke.
The next morning, Gideon woke his friend with breakfast in bed. They had a nice day. Even though Doug was surprised that as soon as they left the apartment, Gideon behaved as if they really were just friends.
At dinner, Doug addressed the issue directly.
“Tell me, is it possible that you're not entirely comfortable with me visiting here?“
Gideon looked at him in alarm.
”What makes you say that?“
”Because you're acting so strangely when we're not alone!“
”What do you mean?”
“Well, whenever we leave your apartment, you act distant towards me. As if I were a complete stranger and not the man to whom you say you love him.”
Gideon swallowed hard. Unfortunately, he knew exactly what Doug meant. But he wasn't ready to take their relationship any further yet. He wanted to get to know Doug better first, wanted to be sure that they both belonged together.
That's exactly what he's trying to make him understand.
“Doug, I'm not ready to come out in public yet. Right now I just want to enjoy our togetherness. Without thinking about the future."
They talked at length about how they wanted to shape their relationship in the future.
On the outside, they only wanted to show a very good friendship until Gideon was ready to come out in public about his homosexuality.
Doug couldn't quite understand Gideon's fear of the public. He, too, lived openly as a homosexual, and no one cared. But he was willing to make that compromise as long as he was sure that Gideon loved him.
The next day, they were invited to Gideon's parents.
Gideon was very curious to see how they would react. He wasn't sure yet whether he would tell his parents that Doug was his boyfriend.
They had bought flowers for his mother and were on time at the door. The reception was warm.
Since Doug spoke very good German, the conversation was no problem and it would be a cozy dinner.
When Gideon helped his mother get dessert, he asked her how she liked Doug. He hoped he sounded non-committal, but it quickly became clear that he couldn't fool his mother.
“Why is my opinion of Mr. Aukland so important to you?”
she asked back, smiling to herself.
“Well, I'd like to know if I can bring Doug over to your place every now and then or if you'd rather not have him over?“ We've just become good friends!”
“Of course, I can only speak for myself. But I wouldn't mind if you brought your friend over every now and then.”
Her tone made it clear to him that she was aware of their relationship. He gave his mother a big hug.
“Thank you!“
The weekend passed far too quickly. And the separation was all the more difficult for them both.
The only consolation was that they would see each other again in a few weeks at the training camp.
Time dragged on. The evening before he left for the training camp, Sven received a call from his team manager.
”Hello Gideon!”
“Hello Martin. What's so important?“
”We have a small problem with the room occupancy here. Due to a water pipe burst, some rooms have become uninhabitable at the moment.“
”Oh! And what's the problem now?“
”We now have too few rooms. This means that you would either have to move to a local hotel or share a room with someone.”
“Well, before I make the trip to town several times a day, I'd rather share a room with someone...“
”That's wonderful!“
”Do you already know who my roommate will be?“
”No. It could also be someone from one of the other teams.“
”Well then, I'll have to wait and see what the surprise is!“
”Well then, see you tomorrow.”
“Yes, bye."
Gideon hoped very much that Doug would not misunderstand sharing a room with another man.
However, he didn't know how he would react if the situation were reversed. He decided to talk to Doug about it as soon as possible. But he wouldn't be able to reach him before the next evening.
When Gideon picked up his key the next morning, he couldn't yet be told who was to come to his room. So he went to his room and unpacked his things. Then it was time for the coaches' meeting.
Somehow the day went by quickly.
He managed to get to his room just before dinner and noticed that his roommate had probably already been there.
When he went upstairs after dinner, he took a hot shower.
Meanwhile, he realized that his roommate had returned. He was quite curious to see who they had put in his room.
When he was finished, he entered the living room and could hardly believe his eyes.
Doug was standing in front of him.
He had two glasses in his hands and the room was bathed in candlelight.
“Surprise!”
“What are you doing here?”
“Well, that's a welcome! I'm your roommate for the next few weeks.”
"I don't believe it. That's fantastic. Is it coincidence or fate?”
“Well, I gave fate a little push.“
”What do you mean?“
”I was asked which room I wanted when I arrived today. And of course I chose you!“
”Really? Who else was there to choose from?”
“Well, apart from you, there was my little brother. But he wanted to live with his girlfriend. Understandably so. And then there was Raphael, too. It was really very difficult to choose.“
He grinned at Gideon insolently.
”Well, Raphael is quite cute, too. But he's a total loser.“
”Was that the only reason you chose me?”
Gideon asked in jest, but Doug still noticed a slight undertone.
“Of course not. You know that, don't you? I'm so happy that this opportunity has literally fallen into our laps. And no one will notice anything.”
As he said this, he approached Gideon and took him in his arms.
"Don't you believe me when I say that I love you?”
“Of course I believe you. I feel the same way about you. I just hope that you will have enough patience with me.“
”We'll see. Right now I just want to hold you and feel you close to me."
Gideon found it wonderful living with Doug. He realized that being in love had become love.
But he still couldn't bring himself to come out in public.
When the competitions began, they had to separate and from then on it became more and more difficult for them to be alone. But they tried to make the best of it.
The season went well for both of them. Especially for Gideon. He regained his old form and often won or placed very well. He was the great hope for gold at the Olympic Games.
But Doug was slowly losing his patience. He didn't want to keep their love a secret forever.
One evening they had an argument about it.
“Why are you pushing me so hard? I told you I still need time!“ Gideon tried to defend himself.
”Do you really enjoy living our relationship in secret? I don't anymore!“
”What should I do? If I openly admit that I'm gay, I'll lose my sponsors. And then what do I do? And what should my fans think of me?”
“Yes, especially the female fans, right? Do you really think that our relationship, our love, can withstand this game of hide and seek in the long run? I doubt it very much!"
Gideon didn't know what to do. He could understand Doug. But the fear was just too great.
A few days later, he was invited to an interview. Of course, he was also asked about his private life there. The conversation was broadcast live.
“Gideon, what is your private life like?“
”It hardly exists during the season.“
”You broke up with your fiancée a while back. Are you still single, or is there someone in your life again?“
”No. I live alone. I haven't met the right woman yet!”
Doug saw this program and could hardly believe what he heard. Gideon, the man he loved so much, was denying him.
Blind with rage and sadness, he ran to his car and drove off. He just wanted to get away. But Doug overestimated himself. He skidded on the slippery road and crashed into a tree.
Gideon returned to his quarters quite late.
He looked for Doug, but couldn't find him anywhere. Then he heard two colleagues talking about a biathlete who had been in a car accident.
Gideon was scared. It couldn't have been Doug, could it? When he went to his room, he was given a note.
It was from Eirik.
“Hello Gideon,
Doug was in a car accident.
There is no danger to his life.
He is here in the city hospital.
He said that he doesn't want to see you, but I think he's lying...
I'm sure he's secretly waiting for you.
Don't let him wait too long.
Eirik“
Gideon sensed why Doug didn't want to see him. He was afraid that Doug would put an end to their relationship.
He called a taxi and made his way to the clinic.
When he asked for his friend, he was led to Eirik.
”Hello Gideon!“
”How is he?”
His voice trembled with fear.
“He's in surgery right now. His knee and wrist took quite a beating.”
“But his life isn't in danger, is it?”
“No, at least not because of the accident!”
Gideon looked at him in shock and turned even paler.
“What do you mean?“
”I mean that he saw your interview and it really upset him. At least that's what I was told.“
”You know that we're together?“
”Yes, I know. However, I have the feeling that he cares about it a lot more than you do.”
“That's not true! I love him like no one else in this world.“
”Then why don't you show him. I don't think he's asking too much of you, do you?“
At that moment, the doctor left the operating room.
The two men rushed towards him.
”How is my brother?”
“The operation went well. I can't say yet whether he will be able to continue his sport, but time will tell.“
”Can we see him?“
The doctor looked at Gideon and asked,
”Are you a relative, too?"
Eirik looked at him questioningly.
Gideon took a deep breath.
“No, but I'm Mr. Aukland's partner.“
”In that case. At the moment, Mr. Aukland is still in the recovery room, but you can see him as soon as he gets to his room. But please only briefly. He is still very weak.”
Gideon realized how close he had come to losing Doug. The thought of it still freaked him out. It was now up to him to save their relationship.
After an hour and a half, Doug was brought from the recovery room to his room. When Gideon saw him in his bed, asleep and utterly helpless, tears welled up in his eyes.
How could he have done this to Doug?
Eirik and Gideon sat down at Doug's bed and waited for him to wake up. After a while, Eirik said that he wanted to call Frode to let him know about Doug's condition.
When Eirik was gone, Gideon took Doug's hand in his.
“Honey, I'm sorry for what I did to you. I love you and nothing in the world could change that.
“I know that, but it hurt so damn much.” A weak voice answers him.
“Hey, you're awake. Thank God. You scared the hell out of me!”
"I'm sorry!”
“And I'm sorry, too. I only want to know one thing and then I'll leave you alone. Do you think you can forgive me again?"
Doug nodded weakly and was asleep again in no time.
An incredible sense of relief flooded the young man.
The season was over for Doug. He still had to stay in the clinic for a few days. Gideon visited him as often as he could.
Doug noticed that a big change had taken place in his friend. Gideon no longer tried to hide their love. When they were alone, he held Doug's hand and caressed it tenderly. He didn't pull it back even when someone entered the room.
When Doug had recovered enough to leave the clinic, he moved into Gideon's apartment. Gideon's parents wanted to take care of him, and since there was no one at his house, he gratefully accepted the offer.
Then the Olympics began.
There had been some rumors in advance. Gideon knew that most of them revolved around him and his personal life.
But now he was ready to tell the whole world that he was in love and with whom.
The first races were over and he had done very well.
Then came his favorite event. The mass start.
Doug arrived the night before the race. He asked him to wait for him at the finish line the next day and gave him a letter that he should only open when the race had started.
They only saw each other briefly the next morning. Doug stopped by to wish Gideon luck.
“Hi, honey. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.”
Gideon pulled Doug into his arms and kissed him.
“Hmmm, we haven't done that in a long time. But I promise you, when all this is over, I'll have lots and lots of time for you. I love you!"
Then they parted ways.
They saw each other again just before the start and then it began.
The starting signal sounded and the runners set off on the course. When Gideon was out of sight, Doug opened the letter addressed to him.
"Hello Doug,
by the time you read this letter, the race will have already started.
You may be wondering why I made such a secret about this line.
But I wanted you to find out only after the start.
I'm only going to win this race for you, and now everyone should know that I love you, and that I love a man.
I'll see you at the finish line,
Gideon."
Doug's heart was in his throat. He watched the shooting with bated breath. Gideon's toughest competitor was Doug's own brother Eirik.
The first shootings went well for both of them. Both had zero errors and were tied. At the last shooting range, it looked as if Gideon was showing nerves. The first shot went wide. But then he recovered and hit the remaining shots cleanly. So he had to take one penalty loop. But Eirik did not do any better. He also missed the first and last shots. So he had to take two penalty loops.
Gideon took his chance and flew down the track.
Then he saw the finish line. Gideon looked around. Eirik was not yet in sight. Then he knew that victory was his.
A smile spread across his face, which became a radiant smile when he saw Doug at the finish line.
As he crossed the finish line, he raised his arms in celebration. Immediately after the rifle check, he rushed to Doug and fell into his arms. When he had caught his breath, he said so loudly that everyone could hear it:
"This victory is only for you! I love you!”
And then he kissed Doug. From the corner of his eye, he saw flashing lights and he knew that it was right and good.
Now his life could begin.
With Doug at his side.
And it would be wonderful.
He was 28 years old, a successful biathlete, and actually at the peak of his career.
He had been skiing since he was a child and when he started biathlon, he knew that this was his sport.
He made it to the top. His World Cup successes were the highlights.
But the sport also gave him the opportunity to avoid making some personal decisions. He realized very early on that he was attracted to men.
But he never wanted to admit to himself that he was really gay.
Of course there were men in his life, but these were only fleeting encounters, just slips. Then he met Marie. The two of them got along perfectly. Like him, she was ambitious in her sport. And she, too, tried to suppress her feelings. Each accepted the other as he was and made no demands on the other.
They became the dream couple of biathlon.
For years it worked wonderfully, but then the house of cards collapsed.
Sven and Marie wanted to get married. The date was set. Construction of the house should begin shortly. But then Marie fell in love. Her career as a biathlete was over for health reasons. The only reason for this wedding was Gideon.
But she realized that they wouldn't be happy that way. And so she decided for love and left Gideon.
For Gideon, it was as if the ground had been pulled out from under him. He had no one to turn to either. He had never allowed himself to build a real relationship. He fell into an emotional hole.
His performance deteriorated rapidly. His trainer tried to find out what was going on, but Gideon didn't let anyone get close to him. He lost his edge, stopped eating properly and lost a lot of weight.
He was well aware that he couldn't keep it up for long, but he
didn't see a way out.
Then came the breakdown.
It was at the beginning of the summer training camp.
While riding his bike, he had a circulatory collapse. He lost consciousness and
drove down an embankment. He dislocated his shoulder and severely tore his cruciate ligament. He was taken to the hospital. Since a concussion could not be ruled out, he stayed there overnight.
Suddenly he was alone with his thoughts. He could no longer distract himself from them. He didn't get any sleep that night. His thoughts raced. He realized a few things, for example, that it was no longer possible for him to hide his inclinations in the long run. But how was he supposed to do that? The insults went through his mind: fag, queer,
back-loader, etc.
In the morning, he didn't know what to think anymore. But he decided to get help. His trainer Frank picked him up. The two got along very well. And yet Gideon was afraid to confide in him.
When Gideon told Frank that he wanted to make an appointment with Dr. Brack, the team psychologist, Frank was deeply relieved. He was really very worried about his friend. Frank also worked hard to make sure that Gideon got an appointment very quickly.
First, Dr. Brack took the normal medical history up to Gideon's accident. He also asked him about sleep disorders and his appetite.
Then he wanted to know why Gideon was there.
This embarrassed the athlete a lot.
The doctor immediately noticed that Gideon had severe problems answering this question. So he began to cautiously approach the real problem.
They talked about sports and family. But they still stuck to the general things.
When the time was up, they decided to meet again every day.
Gideon left the session feeling much relieved. He began to believe that the psychologist could help him.
When he arrived on time the next day, he was determined to tell the doc what his real problem was.
They greeted each other and the doc asked him how he had been since the last session. Gideon had to admit, to the doc's surprise, that he had been very well. He had had trouble falling asleep, but then slept soundly until the morning.
When asked why he hadn't been able to fall asleep, he replied that a lot of thoughts had been going around in his head and it had been difficult to get them to stop.
“What were these thoughts?” the doctor pressed.
“Many different ones,” came the evasive answer.
But the doctor wasn't satisfied with that. “Was there a main thought? A thought that was the hardest to quiet?”
Gideon kneaded his hands. “Yes. ... How and where to start!”
Suddenly he had a real lump in his throat.
“With what? With what do you want to start?”
"Accepting the truth and finally living.”
“What truth?“
Gideon couldn't look his counterpart in the face.
”What I am!“
”What are you?” Dr. Brack pressed on.
Gideon put his hands over his face and whispered, ‘Gay!’
The doctor was shocked.
Not that his patient was gay, but about the agony that this realization brought to this young man. About the fact that this fact still had the power to destroy a person in our time.
At first, the doctor had to search for words.
“Why are you so afraid of it?” He asked gently.
Gideon had to calm down first. The doctor gave him time to do so. But the question remained and had to be answered.
“I think I'm afraid of the consequences.”
"What would they be?”
“I would lose friends, have to lead a completely different life. I would even have to give up the sport that means everything to me. It is my life, after all. What would my family say? And my fans? I would lose everything.“
Gideon was desperate.
”I would like to end the session here.
However, I would like to ask you to sit down today and write down the reasons why you think you would lose everything that is valuable and dear to you in your life if you were to come out."
Gideon left the practice with very mixed feelings. It was the very first time in his life that he had admitted to himself and to a stranger that he was gay.
It was a really great feeling. He had thrown part of his burden overboard. On the other hand, he almost felt that everyone could see it on his face.
As if he had the word “gay” tattooed on his forehead. That scared him again.
But he also realized that this was the only right way.
That evening, he was really euphoric. This was also noticed by his teammates. They had a great evening together.
But when Gideon set about the task that Dr. Brack had given him, he once again had the feeling that a heavy burden was weighing on his soul.
He sat alone in his room and thought about the doctor's question.
Yes, why should he lose everything that meant something to him? He remained the person he had always been, happier and more open perhaps, but still very much himself.
The change that would come with coming out scared him. He feared losing friends, that his family would not stand by him and that he would lose the respect of his fans, which was very important to him. He wrote it down and presented it to the doctor the next day.
"Hello Gideon. How are you today? How did you get on with your task?”
“I'm actually doing quite well. But your task cost me a lot of nerves!“
”Why is that?“
”I've thought of many reasons why I shouldn't come out. But for every reason I could think of, the counter-reason came right away. For example, I might lose friends if they found out that I...”
he had to take a deep breath before he could continue. Hesitantly, he continued.
”...gay.
But on the other hand, real friends would know that I haven't changed. I'm still the same person. So I'd always keep my real friends, right?”
“That's true.
However, some of your friends may drop you because they can't handle it. Friends you thought you knew. I don't want to scare you, but you have to realize that. You can't ask too much of people.”
In the next few sessions, they discussed how Gideon should begin his coming out. What was he already ready for? Did he want to tell only a few people, or should he make it generally known? Should his family know? How much of a strain would it be on his job?
Sven started training again after two weeks. Now the moment had come for him to start making his “new life” public. The first person he wanted to tell was one of his best friends: his trainer Frank.
Gideon asked him to come to his room after dinner. He waited for him excitedly.
They talked about the training and how much Gideon could take in this regard again. Then Frank asked if Gideon was feeling better now.
“The sessions with Dr. Brack seem to agree with you!”
"Yes, it's going quite well. But it will probably be a long way before I feel really good again.”
“Really? I have the feeling that you are already back to your old self!“
”I'll never be that again!“
Frank looked at him in astonishment.
”Why is that?“
”Because I was just faking it for you and everyone else.“
Gideon looked down sheepishly.
”You'll have to explain that in more detail,”
his friend urged him.
“You know that Marie and I have separated.”
“Yes, and I thought that was what had upset you so much.”
"That's true in a sense, yes... Have I ever told you the reason for our separation?”
“You said at the time that things had been going wrong between you for quite a while and that Marie had fallen in love with someone else.“
”Nothing ever happened between Marie and me...“ Sven interrupted him violently.
”Excuse me?“
”If we had gotten married, the marriage would have been a sham for me and for Marie.”
Frank's eyes widened as he began to understand what Sven was saying.
“Marie realized it much earlier than I did, thank God. Otherwise, I might have continued like this for the rest of my life. And at some point, I would have broken,” he continued.
“Are you telling me that you're gay?”
Sven looked Frank in the eye and nodded.
For a while, neither of them said anything. Then Frank asked:
“What do you expect from me now?”
“I don't know... maybe that nothing changes between us and that we remain friends?”
Again, there was silence for a while.
“I don't understand,“ Frank finally spoke up again, ‘why you kept it secret for so long? But now at least I know what has been bothering you for so long. In my eyes, you are still the same person you always were. And I would be happy if we could continue to be friends.’
”You don't know what that means to me.”
Gideon laughed with relief. They talked for a long time that evening, and by the time they parted, their friendship had grown even stronger.
This had been the first step.
The second step was to tell his parents and his sister. He wanted to talk to his sister first...
The very next weekend, the opportunity arose. He invited his sister to dinner. When they got their food, Gideon tried to turn their conversation to his problem.
“Say, Susan, you and Marie always got along very well, didn't you?”
“We still get along very well, why?”
"Did you also talk about private things?”
“Yes, sure, but what are you getting at?“ His sister looked at him questioningly.
”Have you ever talked about our separation?“
”Yes, of course.“
”What did she tell you?“
”She told me that she fell in love with someone else!“
”Do you know who?”
“Yes, of course. And if you want to know if I know about you, the answer is yes!“
Sven didn't know what to say. Susan looked him in the eye. She took his hand and squeezed it. Then he knew that everything was fine.
During dessert, Sven asked:
”Do Mom and Dad know too?”
“Yes.“
Sven was incredibly relieved. His parents hadn't changed their behavior towards him.
So he could assume that they accepted it.
”Why didn't you ever tell me that you knew what was wrong with me?”
“I can only speak for myself, big brother. But I figured I shouldn't force you to come out. And you're rarely home. It took me a while to realize it, too. Besides, it's your life, isn't it? I guess our parents felt the same way. I think they're waiting for you to finally tell them.”
And that's exactly what Sven wanted to do. The opportunity arose the next morning at breakfast.
“Good morning!”
“Good morning, my boy. Did you sleep well?”
“As well as I haven't slept in ages.”
"By the way, Susan sends her regards. She called earlier.”
His father reported when he came in.
“Well then she certainly also told what we talked about yesterday, right?”
He had a lump in his throat. He was still afraid of this conversation.
“She made a few suggestions.” Said his mother.
"Susan also said that you have a question for us!”
His parents looked at him expectantly.
Taking a deep breath, Gideon asked,
“Why didn't you tell me that you suspected for quite a while that I was homosexual?”
“That's a good question,” his father looked him openly in the face. “We thought that you should decide for yourself when you are ready to tell us.”
“Yes, that's what Susan meant, too. And you're okay with it?“
”Honey, it's not up to us. We want you to be happy and we really hope that you find someone who will make you happy.” His mother took him in her arms.
“Gideon, what really bothered us was that we saw how much you were struggling. And we couldn't help you because we didn't know what was bothering you for a long time. That was really hard for us!"
When Gideon was back at the training camp, he realized how much the last few weeks had drained him mentally.
He realized that he could really use the vacation, the obligatory fourteen days of vacation remaining before the exhausting season. Gideon wanted to spend these days with his teammate Eirik Aukland in Norway. He lived near Stockholm. He had asked Gideon if he wanted to visit him during the last week of the previous season, and Gideon had gladly accepted. Gideon had taken a shine to Norway and so he also had the opportunity to visit friends.
He arrived there one early afternoon. Eirik lived in a two-family house. His younger brother Fredrik lived in the second apartment.
To Sven's surprise, Eirik's older brother Doug was currently living in the two-room apartment in the basement.
Doug was the same age as Gideon and had just switched from cross-country skiing to biathlon. The upcoming competitions would mark his second season. Gideon hadn't had much contact with Doug, but he really liked the tall, blond athlete.
He was happy to have the opportunity to get to know the young man better.
He rested for the first two days. He slept a lot, read a little and visited old friends.
Since Eirik had to take care of his advertising contracts, he apologized a thousand times for that, Doug had to play the “tourist guide”. But this task didn't seem to bother him. Gideon also enjoyed the other's presence.
He felt attracted to Doug and for the first time in his life he could honestly admit his feelings. He didn't have any hopes, since it still seemed abstract to him that there could be other athletes, let alone other biathletes, who were gay. Doug showed him the sights of Stockholm. They visited the Norwegian training camp, went out to eat together and went to the disco or the movies in the evenings.
The fortnight went by in a flash and Gideon felt really good. Unfortunately Doug had to cancel the last evening because he was invited to a friend's birthday party. Sven was very sorry about this and decided to go out alone that evening. Doug promised Gideon that he would take him to the plane the next morning.
When Doug had left, Gideon set off. He had noticed a disco in the city center that had a rainbow flag in the window. Since he hardly needed to be afraid of being discovered, he entered.
The place was already quite lively. Apparently, a birthday was even being celebrated in the back area of the disco. Gideon went to the bar and ordered a drink. Then he let the events take effect on him. In the world of this bar, it seemed quite normal for two men to dance with each other, kiss and exchange caresses. The music was good and literally pulled him onto the dance floor. And where before there had been fear of discovery and rejection, now a feeling of recognition and welcome spread.
Suddenly he felt someone tapping him on the shoulder. He turned around with a start and looked into the big, beautiful and slightly irritated eyes of Doug.
Both spoke at the same time.
“What are you doing here?”
They had to laugh.
"I'm celebrating a friend's birthday here, like I told you.”
“And I felt like dancing.“
”You don't happen to know what this place is, do you?“ Doug asked.
”If you mean whether I know that this is a place mainly gay people come to, I have to say yes, I do know that. And I'm not lost!”
Gideon looked Doug firmly in the eye. He knew that he was blushing quite a bit. But he didn't want to lie anymore. He didn't want to advertise his sexual orientation, but if the conversation turned to that topic, he wanted to answer honestly.
Doug smiled.
"I didn't know that the good Lord fulfilled hopes so quickly.”
“Aren't your friends going to wonder where you are?“
”No, I don't think so. I told them I had to talk to you and that it might take a while.“
”How come you're celebrating your friend's birthday,
his eyes were fixed on Doug,
in a gay disco?”
“Well, this is our favorite disco and we know the owner very well. By the way, he's celebrating his birthday over there, you know?“
Doug grinned mischievously at Gideon, who couldn't help but return it.
”What did you mean by 'fulfilling hope'?”
“I'd rather discuss that with you somewhere else. What do you say we go home and make ourselves comfortable at my place?“
Gideon said yes and Doug went to say goodbye to his friends.
They took a taxi and soon arrived at Doug's apartment.
”Say, why do you actually live here? I thought you had an apartment in the city center?”
“I had that with my ex-boyfriend, too. We broke up in September last year. Then the season started again soon and I haven't had time to look for a place of my own yet. I actually find it quite comfortable here. Would you like a drink?“
”Yes, a beer if you have it. Starting tomorrow, I'll stop living this sinful life.”
Doug handed Gideon a beer and made himself comfortable on the sofa next to him.
“So, what was that about hope?” Gideon asked again.
“You're not going to let up, are you?” Doug tried to avoid the question, feeling embarrassed.
“Not if I have the feeling that I somehow play a role in it!”
"Well, okay. You win. I'll tell you. When I saw you for the first time last year, I fell for you. I asked around a bit and was quite disappointed when I heard that you were in a relationship and were planning to get married soon. Shortly after that, I heard that you were single again. Well, I think you're very interesting and that's why I asked Eirik to invite you.”
Gideon was completely flabbergasted.
“You're clever. Why didn't you just talk to me and ask me what was going on with me?”
“Would you have answered me honestly back then?”
“No, I don't think so!”
Doug took Gideon's hand in his own and squeezed it gently. He had noticed how difficult it was for his counterpart to talk about all this.
“You said earlier that you lived with your boyfriend...“
”Ex-boyfriend!“
”OK, ex-boyfriend. So your brothers and parents know, right?“
”Our parents died in a car accident six years ago.“
”Oh, I didn't know that.
“They never knew that I was gay. I only told Eirik and Frode shortly after the death of my parents. I realized how quickly life can be over. And then I want to be able to say to myself, that's how I would want to live my life again. Sounds crazy, doesn't it?“
”No, not at all.”
They talked about Sven's coming out and Doug's ex-boyfriend. Time flew by and when they looked at the clock for the first time, it was already 6 o'clock in the morning.
Doug decided to make breakfast while Gideon took a shower.
While Gideon was in the shower, he thought about Doug. He was falling in love. But how should it go on with them? He in Germany and Doug in Norway. They definitely had to talk about it.
When they met at the breakfast table, Gideon was quite nervous. Doug had set the table with love and had bought rolls.
He sat down opposite Doug.
“Doug, do you have any idea how we should proceed?“
”Is there an 'us'?“
”As far as I'm concerned, yes!“
Doug stood up and came over to him. He pulled Gideon up and held him tightly in his arms.
”You have no idea how happy you make me.”
He gently kissed him on the mouth. At that moment, Gideon knew that what he had done was right. Only with the path he had ultimately taken would he be happy. And he very much hoped so with this man, too.
"But how should it go on now? You here in Norway and me in good old Germany?”
“It's only a few more weeks. When the season and pre-training starts, we'll be together again. And then at every competition venue. Even in the same accommodation. We'll have to bridge the time until then somehow. There's telephone, e-mail, post and airplanes. I think we can do it. Can you?”
Doug had spoken very quickly. Gideon sensed his insecurity. After the last question, Doug looked at him hopefully and questioningly. Gideon smiled and nodded.
“Yes, we'll manage.”
Then it was time to leave. Gideon put his things in the car and then they headed for the airport. Both found this moment difficult. They wanted to talk to each other, discover their love. One still had so much to give to the other. Gideon's flight was called. They hardly knew how to say goodbye. Their love was so fresh and so fragile. They shook hands and were about to say “goodbye” when Doug pulled Gideon into his arms and kissed him. Then he left.
Gideon boarded the plane with tear-filled eyes.
Doug had given him a package shortly before departure, but he was not supposed to open it until the plane was in the air.
As soon as the plane left the ground, he tore open the package. Inside were a competition medal and a letter.
"Dear Gideon,
the medal you are holding is the first I ever won.
It is very special to me,
just like you.
I want you to keep it until we meet again.
I love you,
Doug.”
In the letter, he also found a picture of the two of them. Eirik had taken it at the beginning of the vacation.
Both were laughing and feeling comfortable.
Gideon arrived at the training camp in the evening.
After dinner, he went over his training plan with Frank. After that, Frank looked at him intently.
"You really seem to have benefited from the vacation, don't you?”
“What makes you say that?“
”You look very relaxed. And you're really glowing. Is there something I should know about?“
”Not yet, but maybe soon."
And he couldn't help grinning.
When he was in his room, he saw that there were two messages on his answering machine. He listened to them with bated breath. The first was from his mother. She wanted to know how his vacation was and if he had come back safely. He decided to call his mother back the next day.
The second call was from Doug.
"Hello Gideon...
I know it's way too early to call you. I never was a patient person. I was hoping to reach you a little earlier, but it was probably too early.
I'll wait for your call.
Bye."
Gideon was moved to tears. On the one hand, he was sad that Doug couldn't be with him and felt very lonely. On the other hand, he was also happy. With his much too early call, Doug had shown him that he was not any different.
He made himself comfortable on his bed and, with slightly shaky fingers, dialed Doug's number. It had only rung briefly when the call was picked up on the other end.
“Hi!”
“Hello, did you get back okay?”
“Back yes, but not okay!”
Startled, Doug held his breath.
"What happened? Are you all right?”
“Don't worry. I'm fine. I just feel so lonely and alone without you.“
”You scared the hell out of me.“
”I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I just miss you so much.“
”I miss you too. Why do you think I tried to call you an hour ago? Did you open the package?”
“Yes, and I promise I'll take good care of the medal and our picture is already in my wallet.“
”I have a little surprise for you!“
”Yes? What?“
”Could I come and visit you the weekend in three weeks? But only if you want me to?“ came the hesitant reply.
”Of course I want you to. I can hardly wait.”
They talked on the phone for a long time.
The next three weeks were quite exhausting for Gideon.
The training was hard and intense. But that was a good thing. It meant he had little time to be lonely and miss Doug. They talked on the phone every evening. And the longing for each other grew and grew.
Then it arrived. The long-awaited weekend.
Gideon picked up Doug from the airport. When they greeted each other, Gideon didn't let himself give in to his feelings. He was in his home country and no one here knew that he was gay.
He hugged Doug, but didn't dare to kiss the man he loved in public.
During the drive, they talked about trivialities.
But as soon as the door to Gideon's apartment was closed, he pulled Doug into his arms and kissed him. At first gently and carefully, then more and more demanding and searching.
Sven pulled Doug with him into the bedroom.
There they sank onto the bed in an intimate embrace.
As they lay exhausted in each other's arms, Gideon said:
“My God, I'm glad you're finally here with me. I couldn't have lasted another day.“
Doug smiled happily and snuggled up in his boyfriend's arms.
”I missed you too. For me, the wait was almost unbearable too. It's a shame that I can only stay for a short time.”
“I don't even want to think about you having to leave so soon.“
”Hopefully you haven't planned too much for this weekend?“
With a mischievous twinkle in his eye, he smiled at Gideon.
”Actually, the whole weekend is already planned. You won't have much time to catch your breath.”
Doug looked at Gideon in horror. Only when he realized that there was a twinkle in Gideon's eyes, too, did he realize that he had fallen for a joke.
The next morning, Gideon woke his friend with breakfast in bed. They had a nice day. Even though Doug was surprised that as soon as they left the apartment, Gideon behaved as if they really were just friends.
At dinner, Doug addressed the issue directly.
“Tell me, is it possible that you're not entirely comfortable with me visiting here?“
Gideon looked at him in alarm.
”What makes you say that?“
”Because you're acting so strangely when we're not alone!“
”What do you mean?”
“Well, whenever we leave your apartment, you act distant towards me. As if I were a complete stranger and not the man to whom you say you love him.”
Gideon swallowed hard. Unfortunately, he knew exactly what Doug meant. But he wasn't ready to take their relationship any further yet. He wanted to get to know Doug better first, wanted to be sure that they both belonged together.
That's exactly what he's trying to make him understand.
“Doug, I'm not ready to come out in public yet. Right now I just want to enjoy our togetherness. Without thinking about the future."
They talked at length about how they wanted to shape their relationship in the future.
On the outside, they only wanted to show a very good friendship until Gideon was ready to come out in public about his homosexuality.
Doug couldn't quite understand Gideon's fear of the public. He, too, lived openly as a homosexual, and no one cared. But he was willing to make that compromise as long as he was sure that Gideon loved him.
The next day, they were invited to Gideon's parents.
Gideon was very curious to see how they would react. He wasn't sure yet whether he would tell his parents that Doug was his boyfriend.
They had bought flowers for his mother and were on time at the door. The reception was warm.
Since Doug spoke very good German, the conversation was no problem and it would be a cozy dinner.
When Gideon helped his mother get dessert, he asked her how she liked Doug. He hoped he sounded non-committal, but it quickly became clear that he couldn't fool his mother.
“Why is my opinion of Mr. Aukland so important to you?”
she asked back, smiling to herself.
“Well, I'd like to know if I can bring Doug over to your place every now and then or if you'd rather not have him over?“ We've just become good friends!”
“Of course, I can only speak for myself. But I wouldn't mind if you brought your friend over every now and then.”
Her tone made it clear to him that she was aware of their relationship. He gave his mother a big hug.
“Thank you!“
The weekend passed far too quickly. And the separation was all the more difficult for them both.
The only consolation was that they would see each other again in a few weeks at the training camp.
Time dragged on. The evening before he left for the training camp, Sven received a call from his team manager.
”Hello Gideon!”
“Hello Martin. What's so important?“
”We have a small problem with the room occupancy here. Due to a water pipe burst, some rooms have become uninhabitable at the moment.“
”Oh! And what's the problem now?“
”We now have too few rooms. This means that you would either have to move to a local hotel or share a room with someone.”
“Well, before I make the trip to town several times a day, I'd rather share a room with someone...“
”That's wonderful!“
”Do you already know who my roommate will be?“
”No. It could also be someone from one of the other teams.“
”Well then, I'll have to wait and see what the surprise is!“
”Well then, see you tomorrow.”
“Yes, bye."
Gideon hoped very much that Doug would not misunderstand sharing a room with another man.
However, he didn't know how he would react if the situation were reversed. He decided to talk to Doug about it as soon as possible. But he wouldn't be able to reach him before the next evening.
When Gideon picked up his key the next morning, he couldn't yet be told who was to come to his room. So he went to his room and unpacked his things. Then it was time for the coaches' meeting.
Somehow the day went by quickly.
He managed to get to his room just before dinner and noticed that his roommate had probably already been there.
When he went upstairs after dinner, he took a hot shower.
Meanwhile, he realized that his roommate had returned. He was quite curious to see who they had put in his room.
When he was finished, he entered the living room and could hardly believe his eyes.
Doug was standing in front of him.
He had two glasses in his hands and the room was bathed in candlelight.
“Surprise!”
“What are you doing here?”
“Well, that's a welcome! I'm your roommate for the next few weeks.”
"I don't believe it. That's fantastic. Is it coincidence or fate?”
“Well, I gave fate a little push.“
”What do you mean?“
”I was asked which room I wanted when I arrived today. And of course I chose you!“
”Really? Who else was there to choose from?”
“Well, apart from you, there was my little brother. But he wanted to live with his girlfriend. Understandably so. And then there was Raphael, too. It was really very difficult to choose.“
He grinned at Gideon insolently.
”Well, Raphael is quite cute, too. But he's a total loser.“
”Was that the only reason you chose me?”
Gideon asked in jest, but Doug still noticed a slight undertone.
“Of course not. You know that, don't you? I'm so happy that this opportunity has literally fallen into our laps. And no one will notice anything.”
As he said this, he approached Gideon and took him in his arms.
"Don't you believe me when I say that I love you?”
“Of course I believe you. I feel the same way about you. I just hope that you will have enough patience with me.“
”We'll see. Right now I just want to hold you and feel you close to me."
Gideon found it wonderful living with Doug. He realized that being in love had become love.
But he still couldn't bring himself to come out in public.
When the competitions began, they had to separate and from then on it became more and more difficult for them to be alone. But they tried to make the best of it.
The season went well for both of them. Especially for Gideon. He regained his old form and often won or placed very well. He was the great hope for gold at the Olympic Games.
But Doug was slowly losing his patience. He didn't want to keep their love a secret forever.
One evening they had an argument about it.
“Why are you pushing me so hard? I told you I still need time!“ Gideon tried to defend himself.
”Do you really enjoy living our relationship in secret? I don't anymore!“
”What should I do? If I openly admit that I'm gay, I'll lose my sponsors. And then what do I do? And what should my fans think of me?”
“Yes, especially the female fans, right? Do you really think that our relationship, our love, can withstand this game of hide and seek in the long run? I doubt it very much!"
Gideon didn't know what to do. He could understand Doug. But the fear was just too great.
A few days later, he was invited to an interview. Of course, he was also asked about his private life there. The conversation was broadcast live.
“Gideon, what is your private life like?“
”It hardly exists during the season.“
”You broke up with your fiancée a while back. Are you still single, or is there someone in your life again?“
”No. I live alone. I haven't met the right woman yet!”
Doug saw this program and could hardly believe what he heard. Gideon, the man he loved so much, was denying him.
Blind with rage and sadness, he ran to his car and drove off. He just wanted to get away. But Doug overestimated himself. He skidded on the slippery road and crashed into a tree.
Gideon returned to his quarters quite late.
He looked for Doug, but couldn't find him anywhere. Then he heard two colleagues talking about a biathlete who had been in a car accident.
Gideon was scared. It couldn't have been Doug, could it? When he went to his room, he was given a note.
It was from Eirik.
“Hello Gideon,
Doug was in a car accident.
There is no danger to his life.
He is here in the city hospital.
He said that he doesn't want to see you, but I think he's lying...
I'm sure he's secretly waiting for you.
Don't let him wait too long.
Eirik“
Gideon sensed why Doug didn't want to see him. He was afraid that Doug would put an end to their relationship.
He called a taxi and made his way to the clinic.
When he asked for his friend, he was led to Eirik.
”Hello Gideon!“
”How is he?”
His voice trembled with fear.
“He's in surgery right now. His knee and wrist took quite a beating.”
“But his life isn't in danger, is it?”
“No, at least not because of the accident!”
Gideon looked at him in shock and turned even paler.
“What do you mean?“
”I mean that he saw your interview and it really upset him. At least that's what I was told.“
”You know that we're together?“
”Yes, I know. However, I have the feeling that he cares about it a lot more than you do.”
“That's not true! I love him like no one else in this world.“
”Then why don't you show him. I don't think he's asking too much of you, do you?“
At that moment, the doctor left the operating room.
The two men rushed towards him.
”How is my brother?”
“The operation went well. I can't say yet whether he will be able to continue his sport, but time will tell.“
”Can we see him?“
The doctor looked at Gideon and asked,
”Are you a relative, too?"
Eirik looked at him questioningly.
Gideon took a deep breath.
“No, but I'm Mr. Aukland's partner.“
”In that case. At the moment, Mr. Aukland is still in the recovery room, but you can see him as soon as he gets to his room. But please only briefly. He is still very weak.”
Gideon realized how close he had come to losing Doug. The thought of it still freaked him out. It was now up to him to save their relationship.
After an hour and a half, Doug was brought from the recovery room to his room. When Gideon saw him in his bed, asleep and utterly helpless, tears welled up in his eyes.
How could he have done this to Doug?
Eirik and Gideon sat down at Doug's bed and waited for him to wake up. After a while, Eirik said that he wanted to call Frode to let him know about Doug's condition.
When Eirik was gone, Gideon took Doug's hand in his.
“Honey, I'm sorry for what I did to you. I love you and nothing in the world could change that.
“I know that, but it hurt so damn much.” A weak voice answers him.
“Hey, you're awake. Thank God. You scared the hell out of me!”
"I'm sorry!”
“And I'm sorry, too. I only want to know one thing and then I'll leave you alone. Do you think you can forgive me again?"
Doug nodded weakly and was asleep again in no time.
An incredible sense of relief flooded the young man.
The season was over for Doug. He still had to stay in the clinic for a few days. Gideon visited him as often as he could.
Doug noticed that a big change had taken place in his friend. Gideon no longer tried to hide their love. When they were alone, he held Doug's hand and caressed it tenderly. He didn't pull it back even when someone entered the room.
When Doug had recovered enough to leave the clinic, he moved into Gideon's apartment. Gideon's parents wanted to take care of him, and since there was no one at his house, he gratefully accepted the offer.
Then the Olympics began.
There had been some rumors in advance. Gideon knew that most of them revolved around him and his personal life.
But now he was ready to tell the whole world that he was in love and with whom.
The first races were over and he had done very well.
Then came his favorite event. The mass start.
Doug arrived the night before the race. He asked him to wait for him at the finish line the next day and gave him a letter that he should only open when the race had started.
They only saw each other briefly the next morning. Doug stopped by to wish Gideon luck.
“Hi, honey. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.”
Gideon pulled Doug into his arms and kissed him.
“Hmmm, we haven't done that in a long time. But I promise you, when all this is over, I'll have lots and lots of time for you. I love you!"
Then they parted ways.
They saw each other again just before the start and then it began.
The starting signal sounded and the runners set off on the course. When Gideon was out of sight, Doug opened the letter addressed to him.
"Hello Doug,
by the time you read this letter, the race will have already started.
You may be wondering why I made such a secret about this line.
But I wanted you to find out only after the start.
I'm only going to win this race for you, and now everyone should know that I love you, and that I love a man.
I'll see you at the finish line,
Gideon."
Doug's heart was in his throat. He watched the shooting with bated breath. Gideon's toughest competitor was Doug's own brother Eirik.
The first shootings went well for both of them. Both had zero errors and were tied. At the last shooting range, it looked as if Gideon was showing nerves. The first shot went wide. But then he recovered and hit the remaining shots cleanly. So he had to take one penalty loop. But Eirik did not do any better. He also missed the first and last shots. So he had to take two penalty loops.
Gideon took his chance and flew down the track.
Then he saw the finish line. Gideon looked around. Eirik was not yet in sight. Then he knew that victory was his.
A smile spread across his face, which became a radiant smile when he saw Doug at the finish line.
As he crossed the finish line, he raised his arms in celebration. Immediately after the rifle check, he rushed to Doug and fell into his arms. When he had caught his breath, he said so loudly that everyone could hear it:
"This victory is only for you! I love you!”
And then he kissed Doug. From the corner of his eye, he saw flashing lights and he knew that it was right and good.
Now his life could begin.
With Doug at his side.
And it would be wonderful.