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I threw my school bag in the corner and went straight to training. Just like every Monday. There has to be something that makes the start of the school week a little more pleasant. Bright sunshine and I have to sit in the stupid school. What a shitty life!
Arriving at the soccer field, I was in for a surprise. In the midst of my buddies, there was a girl! What's a girl doing here? Curious, I pushed my way to the front. My teammates whispered to each other: “How is he supposed to play soccer properly when he already looks like a girl!” Aha, a boy, a newcomer! Shoulder-length blonde hair. Legs that would surely break if he was fouled hard. And his face, was he wearing make-up? Something like that went through my head when I saw him for the first time.
“Boys, this is Joshua, he'll be training with us today. He's just moved here and has been playing in a club for a few years.” Uwe, our trainer, had just come to the pitch and noticed the excitement. ‘I want you to treat him the way you would want to be treated when you're new to the team. So behave!’ Well, he knows us boys pretty well.
To make sure we didn't even have the slightest opportunity to show off, we were chased around the court for the warm-up. Sprints here, acceleration runs there, stretching exercises, etc.! He had already announced this after last weekend's defeat: “Your attitude today was just shitty! I'll get rid of that at the next training session. How can the team leading the table lose to the last?” We finally got to work with the balls! Partner work. Somehow it turned out that I had to do the exercises with Joshua. With the giggling of my teammates in my ears, I resigned myself to my fate.
And man, was I surprised. He was really good at the ball, I would never have thought possible. During the exercises, we started talking a little. Joshua had just turned 10 and moved from Hamburg to our village. His father had found a job nearby and he had to leave all his friends behind. Somehow we got along quite well all of a sudden and talked about his favorite soccer club, St. Pauli, and what you do in your free time in the big city. I only knew that from pictures!
“Ouch”
Loud laughter. We had completely forgotten about the training and Uwe had given me a slap on the butt! “You can flirt after training, now it's time to practice!” Even louder laughter and two bright red heads! Fortunately, the training game started and Joshua and I were in the same team again. He had played in central midfield in his old team, soon we would all find out why.
The boy was amazing! Great dribbling, passes like none of us had ever seen! After just a few minutes, our team was already 3-0 up. Joshua scored one goal and set up two. And he didn't stop whirling. Again and again, he sent me on a run into the penalty area, with passes that I couldn't help but shoot past the keeper. In the end, we won 14-4. Uwe just said that we would probably be the new dream team on the field. I scored seven goals and he set up all seven! Now no one was whispering and giggling, everyone thought he was cool and was happy that he wanted to join us – now the championship would be ours!
One by one, the boys went home. Uwe had already left because he had to train himself. Only Joshua was still standing at the pitch, completely abandoned, and didn't seem to want to leave.
I went up to him to chat a little. Somehow I felt sorry for him, all alone. It turned out that he had moved quite close to where I lived, so we set off together, laughing and chatting. He then asked if I could show him a little of the village that evening, where people meet, what you can do and so on. Sure, he was pretty cool, so why not. There wasn't much to see in our village anyway. The football pitch was the center of attention for us boys, there was nothing else there anymore. And it was still too early to show him our secret hiding place in the forest!
After a short tour of the village, we headed home, racing each other. We arrived at his house sweating and exhausted. He looked at me for a while, wanted to say something, but probably didn't dare. At that moment, his mother came out of the house and greeted me. She seemed happy that Josh had already found someone. Without further ado, I was grabbed by the hand and dragged into the house, resistance was futile! With a soft drink and some cookies, we then made ourselves comfortable in Joshua's room and chatted for a while. He was supposed to go to the same school as me, but one class below me. Well, at least he would already know someone and not be completely alone. In his room were many posters of his favorite football club. And then there were posters of Ayrton Senna, who was my absolute favorite Formula 1 driver! That gave us the next topic of conversation. Time flew by and when I looked at the clock, it was almost half past seven!
Oh shit! I should have been at dinner by seven. We quickly said goodbye and arranged to meet tomorrow morning. I was going to go to school with him and I had promised his mom that I would take care of him a little during the first few days. Satisfied and also a little happy to have found a new friend, I went to bed, but not without getting the usual lecture for being late, of course! Still full of thoughts and anticipation, I eventually fell asleep, and I was even looking forward to the next day at school. My teachers would think I was ill.
I had never voluntarily gotten up so early in the morning, and I had even showered! And then I actually wanted to go to school. That was a bit too much for my mom. And so I let her grill me, I could never keep anything from her for long anyway. After I had told her everything I knew about my new friend, I had to promise her that I would bring him home so that she could meet him too. When I had combed my hair and put on a few splashes of aftershave from my father, she looked at me a little strangely and asked if there wasn't maybe a girl at school after all. “Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I don't know anyone else here!” ‘I don't do that, when I say I'm coming, I'm there.’ He laughed at me and gave me 5! And off we went to school. Like boys are, it didn't go without the obligatory bike race. Just imagine we are sitting in a Formula 1 racer and up. It was just stupid that we both wanted to be Senna!
At school, our paths initially separated because he was in the class below me, but we were always together during breaks. I showed him the secret places and corners where we cool guys hung out. Well, we cool sixth graders, anyway!
After school, we quickly went to his house to let him know that he would be at my house the whole afternoon. School supplies were thrown into a corner, clothes were put on for playing, and then it was over to my house.
There he had to endure my mom's questions. Poor guy, I could really feel for him and how uncomfortable it was for him. But I know my mom, she just can't help herself. At some point I told her that he was actually here to play with me and not to visit her and just pulled him by the hand into my room. First we lounged on the bed and talked a little about what he had done before. We found out more and more similarities about us. He liked to read just like me, loved to sing, football anyway and of course our common idol Ayrton Senna!
After we had talked a little about Formula 1 and soccer, I put on the Michael Jackson record. I had just got it for my birthday and was really proud of it. In the middle of “Smooth Criminal” he suddenly started singing along at the top of his voice. At first I just stared at him, then I had to giggle and then I just sang along. The two of us rocked the house until my mom treated us to cocoa and cookies. Again, we sat opposite each other with bright red heads, it was so embarrassing! We looked at each other, grinned, and finally just giggled. Then we finally had our peace and quiet again, and he showed me to “Bad” that he could not only sing, but also dance damn well! This boy was full of surprises. With the promise that he would teach me, I then went to the computer and showed him the games I had for my C64. Of course, the football simulation, the football manager and the Formula 1 simulation were particularly interesting.
After I had once again beaten him in Formula 1, it became too much for him. With wild howling, he pounced on me and we romped and tussled through the whole room. In the midst of the most glorious tickle-aria, my father rushed into the room and asked us if we had lost our minds and wanted to tear down the whole house. After the usual lecture for me that our house was not a playground, we were already put out into the fresh air! Since we got along so well, I decided to take him to my secret hiding place in the forest.
There was a small grove very close to our house. It was nothing special for an adult; he could cross it in minutes. But for us boys it was something very special, adventure beckoned! I pulled Joshua behind me, through the deepest undergrowth (two or three thorny hedges), over raging waters (a stream about 50 cm wide) into the deep and dark fir forest (a group of trees about 30 firs thick).
There I showed him my secret hiding place; a hut that I had built with great effort. With branches and twigs and even a few leaves, I had even made a roof (albeit a somewhat holey one). Inside the hut, there was a seating area (a tree trunk that was a little padded with moss and leaves) and even a table (the stump of an old oak tree). Josh was thrilled and there we also had our peace and could do as we pleased (and what we should take advantage of more often later).
At the end of the day, we went home, exhausted from the day's adventures. But not without making plans to meet again the next morning.
Joshy and I became inseparable. With every hour, every minute we spent together, we grew closer. We were never seen alone, actually. It was as if two people who had been waiting for each other forever had finally found each other.
A few days later
Finally, it was the championship. If we win today, there will be a party. Josh and I had repeatedly missed training in the past two weeks; our adventures were
so intense that we didn't even realize it (and anyone who knows me knows that's saying a lot!). Uwe was fed up (to put it mildly) and we were allowed to watch the start of the game from the bench. CRAP!
It was not going well. After a few minutes, we were behind! After 10 minutes, even further behind. After 20 minutes, it was clear that something had to happen: 0-3! Finally, Uwe gave us the signal to warm up. There is nothing worse than sitting out there and watching helplessly as the team goes down!
We looked at each other, seriously, and then decided that we would show everyone today that we would turn this game around. After the break, the time had finally come: the substitution!
What happened next can confidently be described as a miracle. Joshua's first touch of the ball, a through ball into the top, I take the ball with me and lob it over the goalkeeper into the goal! We cheer each other on, get even more fired up about this game, and our teammates join in too.
The rest of the game was like a dream. Uwe told us afterwards that we had played the opponent dizzy. We woke up from this dream after the referee had blown the whistle. 11:3 !! Joshy and I were involved in all the goals. We hugged each other and couldn't believe it. Our teammates threw themselves on us, celebrated as if we had become world champions. It took a long time for us to calm down again. To celebrate the day, Uwe wanted to take us to a pizzeria. But first we had to take a shower, because “You stink like a bunch of buffalo, I'm not going out with you like that!”
None of us had showered after a game before. This time was to be the first time. Since Uwe had announced the pizzeria, we all had our shower things with us. The nervousness in the locker room was palpable; somehow no one dared to make a start. Only Josh stripped off unabashedly and wandered stark naked into the shower. His unconcerned attitude caused us to undress slowly and bashfully; after all, no one wanted to be seen as a coward.
With bright red heads, we stood in the shower, avoiding eye contact. Only Josh, who was already used to the whole thing from his old club, fooled around and then had an idea that would soon make showering fun for us.
Naked as he was, he ran out of the cabin to the trainer and got a soccer ball. We stared at him in disbelief as he came back into the shower with the object of desire. NOBODY here had dared to do something like that yet! Quickly all shyness had vanished and a bunch of naked boys sat under the warm shower and played table soccer. Only after Uwe threatened to cancel the pizza did he get us out of the shower. The shower after training and games thus became a customary ritual that we all enjoyed.
After Josh and I had said goodbye to the team and the coach, we went to his house because I wanted to spend the night there. After an exhausting day and an exuberant victory celebration, we didn't last long and soon disappeared into bed. We snuggled up together, looked at each other and said good night. It was clear to both of us at that moment that a dream team had been formed here and that we would be inseparable forever.
Time flew by. We were rock stars, landed on Mars, fought against the evil Darth Vader in the Star Wars. We were on a treasure hunt, fought our way through our world full of monsters, magicians and mythical creatures. It was the best summer I've ever had. Wonderful days at the swimming pool, on the soccer field or in the forest. The computer was gathering dust in the corner, we simply had more important things to do. Typical boys: loud, wild and simply impossible to tame. (Note: I could give you details here, but that would simply go beyond the scope. Besides, each of us should remember the little things in life well enough, which were simply the greatest for us boys!)
Even showering together was no longer a problem. Joshy and I grew closer and closer, spending every minute together when we weren't sleeping; so it didn't bother us anymore when one of us saw the other naked. We were practically brothers.
Winter was over, snowball fights, igloo building and sledding were over. It was getting closer and closer to Joshy's birthday. He would turn 11 and catch up with me for 15 days in age. We had already come up with something very special to celebrate the day. We were allowed to pitch our tent at the nearby lake for the weekend – ALONE!!!! We would be able to party into his birthday and no one could complain about us romping around, making noise and just being boys. (Note: We lived in a really small village where everyone knew each other. Besides, today's paranoia didn't exist back then. What we didn't know at the time was that our parents and my older siblings would be keeping an eye on us)!
Finally, Friday had arrived. Our school things were lying in a corner anyway (it was the holidays, after all), so we took off our good clothes and quickly packed everything a boy needs for an adventure like this. Joshy's dad helped us put up the tent and would come back in the evening to light a real campfire for us. We quickly took off our clothes to plunge into the cool water. Stefan (Jschy's dad) shouted at us how crazy we are and that it was actually much too cold. But what boy cares, when romping and splashing you warm up quickly (which we quickly reconsidered in the damp, cool April weather). We felt free, unbound in the middle of the wilderness.
However, it quickly got dark and fresh. Stefan came by and helped us with the barbecue so that we could get something decent in our stomachs before we stuffed ourselves with chips, gummy stuff and coke. He quickly lit a campfire for us and reminded us once again to think of all the rules and safety precautions that he had repeatedly drummed into us in the last few days. Then he released us to our freedom and went home.
Wrapped in our blankets, we sat around the crackling campfire and roasted our marshmallows, talking about this and that. Slowly fog rolled in, the sky was overcast and so gradually we also got tired. We extinguished the fire and covered the embers with a metal bucket so that the fire would not reignite. You just can't put out a campfire by “peeing on the fire” in pairs! We crawled into our tent and into our sleeping bags. A great (albeit very quiet by our standards) evening was coming to an end. We lay awake for a while, chatting, not wanting to fall asleep yet. With our flashlight and our hands, we drew pictures of objects and animals on the tent wall; the other had to guess what it was. When we finally turned off the flashlight and retired to our dreams, I heard a soft sigh coming from Joshy's direction.
I turned the torch back on and shone the beam over to him. He just looked deep into my eyes and I knew immediately what was going on. I opened my sleeping bag and he grinned and came over. I snuggled up to him from behind, put my arm around his body and closed our “sleeping berth” again. Again a soft sigh sounded, but this time it was clear that Joshy simply enjoyed our body contact. Snuggled up close together we fell asleep sometime, not without assuring each other that there were no better friends in this world and that we would never let each other down – friends for life!
When I woke up, Joshy was already awake. Somehow he had managed to turn around in his sleeping bag. He lay there, in my arms, and just looked at my face. I blushed. That has been happening to me more often lately. He must have noticed that! I moved away from him a little so that it wouldn't be so obvious. He started grinning and just said dryly: “Do you think I don't have a hard-on?” I think a tomato would have been colorless compared to me. “My dad told me that's the way it is with all guys. You don't have to blush about it,” he nudged me and laughed. “Come on, let's get up, I've been awake for ages.”
He unzipped his fly and slowly crawled out of the sleeping bag. He hadn't lied; the bulge in his shorts was really hard to miss, which was no wonder since he held them right in front of my face. I quickly crawled out of the sleeping bag and tried to hide, but to no avail. As soon as I was out, he pounced on me with a wild howl and started tickling me. Giggling loudly, I tried to defend myself and so we rolled back and forth through the tent, almost tearing it down. Then suddenly we lay still, he half on top of me. I could feel him very clearly. A look in the eye, a grin. And then there was a knock on the tent from outside.
Joshy's dad had brought us fresh cocoa and a few bread rolls. We quickly put on our tracksuits and had breakfast in the great outdoors. We spent the day fishing, swimming and having little adventures around the lake. For dinner, we had freshly caught fish from the grill. Even I liked it, although I usually can't stand fish. Stefan helped us light the campfire again. Joshy and I snuggled up in front of it and had a scary story told to us. The scarier it got, the closer we moved towards each other. And when my big brother suddenly came tumbling out of the bushes from behind with a loud scream, our control was gone. We screamed loudly and clung to each other, what fun. But all fun must come to an end, and so the two of us found ourselves in front of the campfire, enjoying the silence and the warmth of the crackling fire.
'How did I manage without him all this time before? I don't know. Now I just couldn't imagine life without him anymore. – Such thoughts went through my mind as I looked into the blazing flames. Before we knew it, it was midnight and Joshy's birthday had arrived. Time for the presents.
I had gotten him a small silver chain with a pendant of our initials intertwined. In addition, I had made two friendship bracelets for us; matching, so that everyone could see that we are best friends. His eyes sparkled when I put the necklace around his neck. He didn't have to say anything, we understood each other without words. And the tears in his eyes told me more than any words in the world could have expressed. We fell into each other's arms and held each other tight. I had thought up something very special for the friendship bracelets. I pulled Joshy closer to the fire and put one in his hand. When he looked at me in amazement, I winked at him and held the corners of my band in the flame and recited my specially learned text:
“Through flaming fire we pass the band, two become one, burned by flame”
Then I tied it around his right wrist and looked at him expectantly. He thought for a moment, then held his band into the flames and intoned:
“Through the embers of fire, the band becomes magic, two brothers forever, we never part”
And he tied it around my left wrist.
“We pass the band, let fire sting it, bound in friendship, and nothing shall break it.”
We both had tears in our eyes and fell into each other's arms. We walked hand in hand into the tent without saying a word. This time he didn't even crawl into his sleeping bag, but snuggled up to me immediately. Neither of us could sleep. The magic of this evening had completely captivated us both. We just lay there arm in arm, enjoying the warmth and closeness of the other.
And again it happened. I couldn't do anything about it. It just had a mind of its own, getting harder whenever it felt like it. Joshy looked at me: “Do you sometimes play with your hard-on?” Again I blushed and nodded shamefacedly. “Me too, it feels great, doesn't it?” “Hm hm, sure.” “Can I see it?” “Are you serious?” ”Yes, if you don't mind, I'll show you mine too.”
I slowly opened the sleeping bag and he turned on the flashlight. He pushed the flashlight into my hand, got up, and carefully pulled down his panties. It sent a shiver down my spine, I couldn't take my eyes off it. I sat there as stiff as a poker, staring at his exposed pubic area; until he nudged me to remind me that we had a deal. I put the flashlight aside and went to my knees. His eyes followed my hands as I slowly pulled down my underpants.
“But it's big”
And again it was my turn to turn bright red.
“Yours isn't exactly small either.”
He just looked at me wordlessly, straight in the eyes. Suddenly his hand touched me, down there! His gaze didn't even leave me while he carefully began to caress me. I also let my hand gently wander over his body, closed it around him in a fist and together we played the oldest game in the world.
“Now you have already got your birthday present, although you don't have it for another two weeks.” Joshy was lying next to me, giggling, and I couldn't help grinning either. Behind me lay probably the most beautiful moments that I have been able to experience in my life so far, and Joshy seemed to feel the same way. We looked deep into each other's eyes once more, came
closer and then...
A KISS!
Just a light touch on the lips. And yet my whole body went crazy. Lightning shot through me and I started to tremble. We held each other close and eventually fell asleep, happy and exhausted. It was an evening that we would never forget for as long as we live!
Josh was still asleep when I woke up. His steady, calm breathing told me that he was still slumbering in the deepest dreams. I used the time to review yesterday evening again; to realize what had happened there at all. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there was more between us than mere friendship.
Joshy was lying there peacefully, his eyes closed tightly, a smile playing around the corner of his mouth. A strand of hair had fallen onto his face, rising and falling with his breath as if it had a life of its own. I gently brushed his hair out of his face, enjoying the soft and delicate skin under my fingers. A slight purring sounded, like that of a cat lying in front of the warm stove. Carefully, I let my fingers glide over Joshys cheek. I now gave myself completely to my feelings and pressed my lips to Josh's to kiss him tenderly. His eyes opened and looked into mine. I carefully pulled my head back, afraid that I might have gone too far. But he wrapped his arms around me, pulled me closer and, tightly entwined, we gave in to our feelings for each other, kissing again and again. I don't know why, but in the middle of a kiss I opened my lips and my tongue played around the delicate contours of his. Until his mouth opened and our tongues engaged in a wrestling match of the finest. We looked each other in the eye, smiled at each other, and while kissing each other more and more passionately, we took care of the problem that probably every boy has in the morning.
In the following weeks and months, we grew closer and closer together. We spent every free minute together, trying to be alone most of the time. At that point, we were unaware that others might notice our behavior. Basically, we wouldn't have cared if anyone had. We had each other, and that was the only thing we really cared about at the time.
We had once again retreated to our hiding place in the forest. It was a mild summer afternoon, the birds were singing, and we could hardly wait to finally be alone again. As soon as we arrived, we were already in each other's arms, kissing passionately. Our kisses became more and more urgent, full of desire; our hands wandered over our bodies, caressing each other. Once again, we looked into each other's eyes, enjoying the closeness and tenderness of the other. Even though it was now part of our everyday life, it was always something special.
Slowly, I pulled Josh's T-shirt over his head, letting my hands roam over his flawless torso. Meanwhile, we had also incorporated another element into our lovemaking. We both loved to drive each other to the edge of bliss with our tongues. My hands were not idle either, stroking over and over again his delicate legs, up his torso to his face and down his back again.
Quickly, the rest of his clothes followed the T-shirt and finally he stood before me as he was created. Our eyes met while my hands massaged, never stopping. A look full of devotion and love.
“Please close your eyes, Josh.” – He followed my instruction instantly, without a moment's hesitation. The trust in each other was too great for him to expect me to do anything that could hurt him. I bent down further and further, hesitantly, slowly, but then finally with determination. Josh opened his eyes wide, unable to believe it. His whole body trembled. He relaxed again, gave himself completely to me and enjoyed my caresses.
“That was incredible! I would never have thought that you would do that!” Josh was still completely stunned. ‘Did you like it?’ ‘Are you kidding? What's not to like about that?’ His look and smile said it all. We fell into each other's arms again, naked as we had seen the light of day, and kissed tenderly. Once again, we looked into each other's eyes and then I heard something I had longed for but never expected!
“I love you”! I stared at Josh with wide-open eyes. ‘Say that again’! ‘I said I LOVE you!’ ‘Are you serious?’ ”Have I ever lied to you?”
I looked at him. He seemed nervous, kept looking at the ground. Finally, he couldn't stand the silence anymore and asked,
“Well? What do you say?”
I couldn't say anything. I just sat there, next to him, staring at him. And then I took him in my arms and gave him the longest kiss I've ever given to anyone in my life.
“Was that answer enough?”
Another long kiss followed. We sat together on the tree trunk, tightly embraced, kissing again and again. With tears of happiness in my eyes, I kissed him on the cheek and whispered in his ear: “I love you too, Josh, more than anything!”
The following time was pretty exciting for Josh and me, but also stressful. At school, there were once again many exams on the program, our trainer had decided that we should train three times a week instead of twice, and the homework bombardment did the rest. Unfortunately, we didn't have much private time together at this point. The familiar blue letters had caused a real storm at my home, which cost me a lot of my freedom so that I would spend more time studying (which ultimately didn't help).
So the only time we had for our little dalliances was when we were not in the classroom at school. Of course, our classmates noticed that we were increasingly isolating ourselves and repeatedly sought out the “peace and quiet” of the school garden. Some of them went so far as to secretly watch us, which we did not notice in our yearning and infatuation.
Once again, we had retreated to the furthest corner of the school garden, to the small seating area behind the bramble patch. It was a sunny morning, one of the few that were not so bitterly cold that one preferred to retreat to some building or other to avoid freezing to death. Joshy and I sat together on the bench and snuggled up to each other, enjoying the fact that we could finally be alone together again. We talked about everything that was on our minds at the time, holding hands. At some point, we just couldn't stand it anymore, embraced each other and gave each other a longing kiss that would prove to be fateful.
A surprised gasp and rustling came from the bramble bush, then everything went quiet. We looked at each other in panic. We hastily made our way to the exit, hoping that no one had noticed our caresses. That hope quickly proved unfounded when two of my classmates were already waiting at the garden gate.
“Hey you faggot pigs!” – The prelude was already good...
They did not let us through and insulted us with some very explicit insults. Cocksucker, ass fucker, etc. were still the most harmless words.
“If you do not want us to tell anyone, you can continue your favorite games with us.”
“What do you want?”
“That you come with us to the bathroom and do what all fags like to do!”
Josh and I looked at each other and said in unison:
“NEVER!”
“You'll see what you get out of it”
The fall from being one of the cool guys at school to being an absolute outsider was hard. The rumors had spread quickly and before the end of the school day everyone knew. In this difficult time, we should quickly find out who our true friends are, who stand by us. And they also had to listen to a lot because they continued to stand by us; being gay was an absolute no-go in the early 90s, at least at school (even at high school).
For Josh and me, it was obviously the hardest. We could handle the insults and hostility. We also could handle that the teachers didn't let us out of their sight anymore and we couldn't spend any free time alone at school. Wherever we went, there was always someone around. We had completely lost the desire to exchange affection at school.
Worst of all, however, were the hidden hostilities. The push on the stairs, the kick to the shin in gym class, the elbow to the stomach in the fray. Again and again we had to endure these little annoyances. And strangely enough, most of the boys waited until we had finished changing and left the cabin. All this only welded Josh and me even closer together, our friendship and love grew even stronger. Whenever one of us felt “down”, we were there for each other. The same applied to the few friends we still had.
But every low also has its advantages. We were not the only ones at school. Even if no one publicly admitted it. In the next few weeks, we met new friends who had the same disposition as we did. With their help, the teasing stopped for the most part, because our “enemies” simply got bored; no wonder, when the “victims” simply ignored them. The fight with the school bully certainly helped, too. His reputation was quickly destroyed after he let himself be beaten up by a fag in a fight that he himself had instigated.
With an even stronger love and friendship between Josh and me, and with new friends who understood us and knew what feelings and thoughts were going on in us, we entered the next phase of our lives. Only time would tell what it would bring...
The situation at school gradually relaxed a little. The physical reprisals had stopped, the fear of another right-wing thug was probably too great. However, we continued to be snubbed. They only spoke to us when absolutely necessary, and whenever possible we were left out in the cold. The teachers' behavior was not exactly helpful for us either. As a friend of ours put it: “What is not allowed cannot be!”
How I would have liked to have had Rosenstolz lyrics at hand back then. Lyrics like those of “Willkommen” (Welcome), with passages like “If you don't understand something, it doesn't have to be wrong – There is so much more that we don't understand, never see!” would have helped us a lot at the time. The lyrics to “Lass sie reden” (Let them talk) would certainly have supported many younger gays on their journey of self-discovery. But Rosenstolz had just come onto the market, was better known regionally and even though this band later played an important role in my life, at the time it was – unfortunately – not possible.
We were completely on our own. Together we were strong, we were one. Together nothing would get us down. We would survive anything, no matter what.
We had survived the first crisis, but as is so often the case in adolescence, the next one followed on its heels. We had both received a letter from our sports club. They were sorry, but unfortunately we had to be expelled from the club for the protection of the youth. As it turned out, several parents had threatened to take their children off the team if these faggots could continue to affect their children's mental health. That was a major setback for both of us. Because what we loved almost as much as ourselves was soccer. And gays have no place in soccer. That we shot the team to the championship? Never mind. That they wouldn't be top of the league without us? Nobody cared!
After this letter, we both fell into a deep hole, and our love was put to a hard test. For a short time, we didn't want to see each other and were even depressed for a short time. But our longing for each other was too great, our love too strong. And so we got back together, held each other in our arms and thought about what we could do about our situation.
Help came unexpectedly from a direction we hadn't expected. Through detours, the rumors had also reached Josh's parents. When they took us aside, we were shocked, horrified, ashamed, and feared the worst: that we would no longer be allowed to see each other and would have to meet in secret! But it turned out differently. Josh's parents were understanding of us and understood that we felt more attracted to each other than just a normal friendship. And they didn't mind! On the contrary, they openly talked about how Josh had changed since he had been friends with me. A quiet, withdrawn boy had become a “confident young man”.
The topic of sexual activity also came up. For Josh and me, this was terribly uncomfortable and embarrassing, but we finally confessed that we had already engaged in such activities. Again, they reacted differently than we had feared. Instead of going completely crazy, they calmly and objectively explained to us the dangers and what we should be aware of. This conversation didn't seem to be particularly pleasant for them either, but they showed more understanding than we would have expected from anyone.
This very long and extensive conversation had a resounding effect on both of us. We became more self-confident again and approached other people. And most important of all: we no longer thought badly of what we were and what we did! We started thinking about the future and made plans for how we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. And we started exchanging affection again (though never in front of Josh's parents).
April 15, 1991
We had been thinking about adding new elements to our lovemaking for a long time. Now, a few days after Josh's 12th birthday, we had decided to fully commit ourselves to our love and offer each other what can only be given away once in life: our innocence! We had thought about it for a long time before finally deciding that everyone thought we were “ass-fuckers” anyway. So it wouldn't make any difference anymore. Besides, we wanted to prove to each other how much we love each other. It should be a memorable day in both of our lives!
I had cleaned and tidied my room, lit candles and drawn the curtains. In the background, “Greatest Love of All” by Whitney Houston was playing, followed by the brand new CD by Celine Dion. Josh and I lay on my bed in our underwear, kissing and caressing each other, letting ourselves be guided by our feelings and emotions. Eventually, we lay naked on the bed, caressing each other. Then Josh looked deep into my eyes.
“Are you sure?”
“I've never been more sure of anything in my life. You first!”
I gave him a passionate kiss, pressed myself against him from behind
until...
At that moment, the door to my room was flung open
My father burst into the room, my diary in his hand. He had broken the lock. I had written down my anticipation, my plans, my fears and my thoughts in it! He knew everything.
We looked at him with wide-open eyes. Full of fear!
He brutally pulled me down from Josh, slapped me in the face, shouted at me. Josh cried, and I couldn't stop myself either.
He hit me again, this time with his fist. I could taste the blood. I stood protectively in front of Josh, afraid that my father would also hit him.
Again and again he called me a “faggot cocksucker and ass ripper”.
Josh couldn't take it anymore and collapsed. I wanted to take care of him, bent over him. But before I could say anything or touch him, my father kicked me in the ribs with full force, so that I collapsed, gasping for air.
Then he turned to Josh, screaming at him to get dressed and get out of there, otherwise he would be next. Josh looked at me, his face streaming with tears. I will never forget that look as long as I live. Then he got dressed, grabbed his things and disappeared without saying a word.
I heard the front door slam, heard him get on his bike.
What followed was a loud crash, followed by a scream that went right through me.
I tore myself away from my father, ran downstairs, and headed for the front door. He tried to stop me, but at that moment I didn't care about anything.
Naked as I was, I rushed out the door and onto the street.
And then I saw it.
Everything was covered in blood. Neighbors had come out of their houses, crying, covering their eyes.
I ran to the scene of the crime, not wanting to realize what had just happened.
There lay Josh, my Josh. Or rather, what was left of him.
A sight that would remain etched in my mind forever.
Blood everywhere, his body twisted in such a way that probably not a single bone could have remained intact.
At that moment, it clicked for me. I screamed and screamed, cried, threw myself on him, hugged his lifeless body in the hope that he would open his eyes again. It was useless, he had no chance.
At that moment, everything went dark around me and I woke up in the hospital, where I was taken for observation.
My father didn't want me to go to the funeral. But I didn't care what he wanted. I wanted to say goodbye to Josh, no, I had to. For the last two years, he had been a friend, a brother, a lover to me. In this argument, a momentous sentence was spoken, a sentence that would remain in my heart for all eternity, carved in stone.
“That's the just punishment for your perversions anyway! That's what should happen to all gay cocksuckers like you!”
That was the sentence that made me snap. I went after my father, kicked him in the balls, beat him up until my brother and mother dragged me away from him. I packed my backpack and ran out of the house, not wanting to go back.
I stayed with my godmother until the day of the funeral. There, at least, I was able to try to think about it calmly, to realize what had happened. It hadn't really sunk in yet.
When they slowly lowered the coffin into the dark hole in the ground, I couldn't take it anymore. I burst into tears, lunged at the coffin and clutched it. I just didn't want to let him go. When they finally managed to tear me away from the coffin, it wasn't my parents who held me and comforted me.
No, it was those who probably felt the worst pain together with me. Josh's parents held me close, and together we cried for the person who meant the most to us. While the earth piled up on the small coffin, I collapsed again and had to be taken away. Again, I woke up in the hospital, pumped full of sedatives.
I didn't go back home then, I had already decided before the funeral that I couldn't stand it “at home”.
For the following years, the streets of Berlin were my home. Money and food were earned in the only way a street kid probably has. But that's another story I'm not ready to tell yet.
Today I visited you again.
I stood in front of your grave, lit a candle with your parents and mourned you.
I played the music that moves me most when I think of you:
Eric Clapton – Tears in Heaven
Again I had to think of the good times I had with you, 17 long years ago!
As I write this, my eyes fill up with tears again. I will never forget you. You will always have a place in my heart.