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“When we touch, it's an explosion every time! I want to live forever with you, our love makes us free... I love you!” Chris said to me with shining eyes. I looked at him, into his hazel eyes. We were on our hunting chair in the middle of a green meadow! The moon was shining brightly on the earth.
“The moon is reflected in your eyes, little one, you are beaming at me,” Chris added in a soft voice, took my hands and kissed me. Now I knew what he meant by explosion, I felt warm and cold. I felt comfortable in his arms, very comfortable. Together we looked at the stars.
“Do you see the Big Dipper, little one?” I looked up and searched, but couldn't find it.
“Where is it?”
“There! See the three stars that form a kind of stem, with the Big Dipper hanging below them!” He pointed to the sky with his finger. I followed him and now I recognized it too. We held each other tightly again, then he turned away from me. I don't know what he wanted to do, but he leaned against the wooden railing of the hunting chair.
“Be careful, don't do a swan dive and make me drive you to the hospital!”
“Don't worry, I'll be fine!” he replied, leaning over even further. I heard a crack and Chris lost his balance. He fell headfirst down. I ran to the broken railing. It started to rain, thunder and storm. There was no longer a meadow below us. Chris plunged into a large dark hole. I could only scream...
“Chris... Chris... Chris...!”
“Martin... Martin... Martin... Martin...!“ I heard it sound upwards.
“Martin... Martin... Martin...!” I woke up bathed in sweat.
“Martin... Martin... Hey... Martin!“ I sat up. It was just a dream. I had to take a deep breath first.
“Martin... hello... Martin!” my door burst open and André came in!
“Martin, man. Are you hard of hearing? Come with me, you'll definitely like this!” He looked at me more closely...
“Are you crying?”
I wiped away the tear that ran down my cheek. “No, it's because I was asleep until just now!” I didn't want to tell him that I had dreamt of Chris. It was at least as hard for him to get over Chris's death as it was for me.
“Yes, then come with me... I want to show you something!” With difficulty, I pushed aside my blanket and got up. André led me down the two flights of stairs and opened the garden door.
“Cool, isn't it?” he said, putting both hands on his hips and looking at me. I looked at him first, then I looked into the garden! Wide-eyed, I watched the snow falling gently. It was beautiful, especially because the garden led to a forest. The trees, the grass, everything was white and it continued to snow.
“I knew you would like it. It didn't escape me that you think snow is great,” said André, taking a few steps in the garden. With each of his steps, with his mega skate shoes, I heard the snow crack, which I liked so much. I was so lost in thought that it took a snowball that André threw at my head, sending the rest of the snowball flying into the hallway and leaving a few small puddles, to wake me up.
“Just you wait, you'll get it back!” I ran into the garden and grabbed him.
“Have you showered today?” was my last question before I got hold of him and lathered him up vigorously. André could only snort and the garbled words that were supposed to mean ‘stop it’ didn't stop me from continuing. But what prevented me was the fact that I was still in boxer shorts and a T-shirt. Oops... I had completely forgotten. I was wondering why my legs were so wet, even though I had soaped him up.
BIBBER BIBBER.
I quickly went up to my room, taking care not to slip on the puddles of melting snow.
“You'll pay for that!” I heard just before I closed my door and packed my clothes for the day. Then it was off to the shower. I fixed my hair in front of the mirror and then went down for breakfast.
“You want to have breakfast at 10 a.m.? Forget it, make yourself a bowl of cornflakes!” were Sandra's words, which I got to hear after my idea. So I went into the kitchen, well, I had no choice. I really felt more comfortable after Sandra and I moved in with Frank. Only one person is missing here, someone I loved very much.
“What are you doing here?“ André asked me teasingly, sitting at the table and also eating a portion of cornflakes. You could tell from his face that he had been through a wild battle.
“That's none of your business!” I replied.
It's just our normal way of dealing with each other. We sometimes throw really harsh words at each other, but we can never be angry. He is the brother I never had, and I guess I'm his Chris now. But no matter how hard I tried, would I be able to do it? Did I want to do it? No, I'm not Chris and André knew that. He just grew up with his brother and now he saw me as his real brother.
I took the milk out of the fridge and got a plate.
“We're out of cornflakes. I've got the last ones on my plate!” my little brother said with his mouth full and a big grin on his face.
“Think again!“ I went to the pantry, where I always hid my favorite cereal, and snatched the Nesquick box.
“Where did you get that?” André asked protestingly when he saw what I was putting in my plate.
“That, on the other hand, is none of your business!” I replied this time.
André left the kitchen angrily and stuck out his tongue at me before going into the living room. I mean, at 17 years old, he's still very childish. All right, I guess it's not really the job of a 21-year-old to soap up his little brother in boxer shorts and a T-shirt in the morning hours, but that was just revenge.
I now finished my cornflakes with relish and slurped the cocoa from my plate. I looked at the clock hanging above the calendar to the left of the dinette. 12:45! Oops. Didi was supposed to pick me up at 1:00. We were going to bake all the Christmas cookies together today. I lit a cigarette and went into the living room, sat down in the armchair and watched a cartoon with André. Some small cacti were trying to catch some kind of monster caterpillar. Very amusing and educationally valuable. I had to smile.
“If you don't like the program, then leave!” It seemed as if André was still angry.
“Yeah, you'll be rid of me in 10 minutes,“ I replied, continuing to watch the cacti, which were now trying to throw a net over the caterpillar.
“Where do you want to go?” I finally gathered from the brief silence that had fallen.
“I'm going to Basti's with Didi. We want to bake cookies!”
“Hey, then I can definitely come with you, right?”
“I still have to think about that.”
“Oh, come on. Yes?”
I tried to persuade him that Didi's car had a flat tire and therefore only two people could ride in the car, otherwise the other tire would also lose air, but I hit a brick wall.
“You're crazy! That excuse is really stupid!”
When André and I looked at each other, we both started to laugh out loud. Apparently, he had also imagined it visually, how something like that could look.
“I'll ask Didi, OK?” I finally said and André nodded his head.
“Now take your plate to the kitchen, we'll be picked up any minute!”
André rushed up, took his plate and ran to the kitchen. I looked at the TV again. Somehow I didn't understand the whole story with the cacti and the caterpillar. Now they had caught it and then they released it again? Strange game. I tapped my forehead, turned off the TV and went to the hallway closet when the doorbell rang. No, the bell hadn't been replaced, not even at my urgent request. It still sounds as if a whole regiment is attacking. But you get used to it. André jumped from the kitchen to the front door and opened it.
“Oh, it's cold outside!“ Said Didi, entering the hallway with bright red cheeks and a red nose. She still hasn't come down from her ‘goth trip’. But it has already improved. The dress or cape from back then has already been donated to the used clothing drive.
“Are you ready to go or what?” She asked me.
“Of course I am! Just put on my jacket and I'm ready to go.”
André tapped me on the shoulder.
“Oh Didi! Can André come too?”
“Sure, but only if you carry the baking stuff in,” Didi said to André, who would have stolen Saturn's tire to come with us. It was always great for him to be with older people. And soon he would be part of the gang, too. He was the only hip-hopper in our group, though. Everyone else listened to techno, well, except Didi, she listened to her goth stuff. But somehow we always managed to listen to the right music so that everyone got something out of it.
“Can we go?” Didi's words were unambiguous, which André also noticed. He quickly put on his jacket and went to the Fiesta. I took mine off the coat rack and put it on. Didi leaned towards me and spoke in a low voice: ”Boy, what Basti did again yesterday...”
“What did he do this time?” I asked, more or less surprised, because anyone who knew Didi knew that it would be about sex or men. Well, in this case it was probably more about sex. I guessed that it was about a position that the two of them might have tried again.
“Well, yesterday we tried a new position...”
Bingo, I thought to myself!
“...and Basti went wild like a bull. But I'll tell you later!” she said, waving our short conversation away with her hand.
Baking cookies was less turbulent, with the exception of André getting the dough thrown in his face by Basti, the kitchen looking like a bomb had hit it, and Didi nagging me about her position. But it had been quite fun, and I noticed again and again how attached André was to Basti. It seemed to me as if he saw his brother in every older male being. He used to be quite different.
The biscuits, OK I admit it, I burned some, tasted very delicious despite everything. Didi and I finally cleaned up the kitchen and we all watched a video.
“Sister Act???,” Basti asked.
Didi's face turned into a grin. I secretly wondered how “goths” and church videos could go together, but quickly abandoned the thought. André turned on the TV and Basti finally inserted the video.
“We're a good team!”
It was always funny how Whoopy, aka Dolores, tried to get the microphone off the holder.
It was getting dark outside. In the light of the streetlamps, you could see the snow falling slowly from the window.
The movie was finally over. André and I packed our biscuits in Tupperware bowls and stuffed them into a bag.
“Time to go!” I said. André looked sad. He would have liked to have stayed longer, but I thought that enough was enough.
Didi fought her way through the snow with her car and skidded a few times, but thank God nothing happened.
“As nice as the snow is, it's not particularly suitable for driving,“ Didi said when we arrived at André and I's house.
“Maybe you should swap the tires for skis,” André said jokingly. Didi grinned at the back seat.
“Well, let's get going,“ I said. My little brother and I got out, hugged Didi goodbye and went into the house. We took off our jackets and hung them on the coat rack. The cookies migrated from the kitchen to the living room by themselves, ending up in Sandra's lap.
“But these are dark...burnt?” she asked.
“They're Andrés!” I said jokingly. Of course, he tried hard to defend himself, and with success, because what the mother can't do so well, the son can't do much better either, where I thought of cheesecake. Sandra was watching ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’! When I saw the TV, I remembered the cacti and the monster caterpillar again. I smiled briefly.
“It's a good thing you're back already,“ Sandra interrupted my daydreaming.
“It's snowing harder and harder. You might not have made it back here!” She looked at me expectantly, shoving another burnt cookie into her mouth.
“We would have crashed at Didi and Basti's,” I said.
Sandra grimaced, “Boy, oh boy. How long did you leave those in the oven, Martin? It tastes like coal!” André laughed and pointed to his baked cookies, which, of course, were the best there were.
“Try these!” he said. I ran to my mom and took my cookies away from her. ”If you don't like them, I'll take them upstairs!”
“Enjoy your meal!” I got as an answer. How bold!!! I took the blue Tupperware bowl and went up the stairs to my room. The hallway of the first floor was equipped with windows that allowed me to see parts of our city outside. A string of lights adorned the windows through which I looked. I stopped and looked outside. I turned off the hallway light and unplugged the Christmas lights from the socket. How beautiful it was outside. In the truest sense of the song, the snow was slowly falling over roofs, benches, gardens and on cars parked in their spaces. All the windows were decorated with fairy lights like we had or with flashing stars. I particularly liked the window of our neighbor, Mrs. Schulze. A nativity scene and the people in it graced it. Somehow I felt sorry for her. Especially at Christmas, you want the partner you love by your side. She no longer had one, living in a large two-story house that her husband had bought back then.
Actually, a family with children could easily have been accommodated there, then she would not always be so alone. Her husband had died several years ago and her children lived in Denmark. Actually, it's not that far to visit your mother.
Well, I wasn't necessarily any different from her. Okay, I didn't have children, but I also missed the man I loved more than anything. And then I remembered my dream. How Chris spoke to me, what he told me and how he fell. I secretly wished he were there, hadn't tried to kill himself back then.
I shook myself, put the plug back where it belonged, turned on the hall light and ran up the nearest stairs to my room. When I arrived in the hallway, I automatically looked in the direction of Chris's old room. I quickly turned my gaze away and went into my realm. As always, it looked a bit messy here. I was just about to sit down on my blue couch when I bumped into a stack of books lying on my table, causing it to fall to the floor. I picked them up and put them in the cupboard. How I hated disorder myself. I sat down again and looked at the table again to see if anything wanted to make use of the law of gravity. And then I saw the book. My book, no, Chris' book. That André gave me shortly after his death. “Martin and Chris, the perfect couple”
I took it and held it close to my chest. On the way to Chris' room, I didn't think about anything. Sometimes I still smelled his perfume in this room, although that can't be anymore. Everything is still there as he left it. And that was very hard for me. I entered this room only very rarely. I sat down on his desk chair and opened the book.
“Martin, this is a gift for you! I bet you're wondering why I'm giving you something, aren't you? Because I love you. Martin, I can't tell you enough how much I love you, and that's why I tried to express my feelings for you in poetry...”
I stopped reading. It hurt... a lot. I looked back at the book with wet eyes.
“Enjoy reading. Your Chris.”
I turned the page and quickly scanned the poems. His handwriting was, as they say, that of a typical boy. Difficult to decipher, but I didn't care much about that.
The door moved.
“Martin?“ I heard a soft voice.
I wiped the tears from my cheeks and closed the book.
“Can I come in?”
The door opened further.
“Sure, André, come in!” I said with a trembling voice.
André looked at me and then at the book lying on my lap. André sat down on the yellow couch, where there were still CDs lying that Chris had put there. He took my hand.
Silence fell.
“I think of him often, too!“ André finally said in a quiet voice and squeezed my hand a little harder. I sensed that it affected him, too, every time he entered Chris's former room.
“Where is our eternity that he promised me?” I asked, my eyes unable to hold back the water. My stomach clenched.
“She's always around you. He's always with you and loves you forever. I know that.”
“Sometimes, before I fall asleep, I think he's standing next to my bed looking at me. But when I open my eyes, he's not there.”
André looked at the floor. “I often have that feeling too. But I don't open my eyes. I feel that he is there and taking care of me. He takes care of all of us. He is always with us.”
I held André tightly and started to cry.
“He won't want us to just live in the past!” André said after he left the room. ‘We live in the now and today!’ I caught another glimpse of him and thought I saw a tear in his eye as well. As playful as André was for his age, on the other hand, he was also very mature. I stayed in the room a little longer until I went to my bed and fell asleep.
“Yes, of course, Mrs. Schulze. Why not? I mean, then you have another task, don't you?”
“Yes, and I'm also glad that it worked out.”
I woke up. Sleepily, I staggered to my bedroom window to see who was out there in the early morning and already had so much to tell. The closer I got to the window, the louder I heard the sound of snow shovels, which left a loud scratching sound with every push. The sun was already shining brightly in the sky. Individual clouds embellished the sky with funny figures. I looked down at the street and saw Sandra talking to Mrs. Schulze. I tilted my window to hear what they were saying.
“Where did they come from?”
“From a small town near Berlin.”
“And why do they want to move here?”
“Oh, I haven't asked them that yet. You know, when you get older, you're happy to have at least someone else in the house. Being alone all the time isn't really that great, is it? It's always enough for me to hear footsteps from above. Besides, nobody knows what's buzzing through our streets at night, and it's not easy for an old lady either.”
“Yes, Mrs. Schulze, and now at Christmas time, you don't want to be alone after all.”
I closed the window again. Apparently Mrs. Schulze's children are coming down for Christmas after all. I'm happy for her. I turned away from the window and sat down on my couch. The table was still covered with all kinds of odds and ends, and I lit a cigarette. The smoke made its way to the ceiling, dissolving into nothing halfway up.
“Martin? You awake?“ I heard him call into my room.
“Well, if I wasn't awake before, I am now!” I said. “Come in, André!”
The door opened and he came in.
“Have you heard the news about Mrs. Schulze?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, her kids are coming down for Christmas, aren't they?”
“No, no, no.”
Why was he so excited? “Not? Who then?”
“We're getting new neighbors!” he said, wide-eyed.
“Oh. Well, then Mrs. Schulze is no longer so alone,” I said soberly.
“Aren't you curious to see who they are?” André looked at me with wide eyes, his question mark over his head was easy to see.
“No, you'll see. It's probably an older couple or something.”
“Nah, nah. I heard something about a family with two kids. I was just listening at the window. Sandra was talking to Mrs. Schulze.”
Another spy, I thought to myself and started grinning.
André went downstairs, apparently to squeeze Sandra for information. I jumped in the shower and finally went to the kitchen. This time I made myself cornflakes.
“Have you heard that we're getting new neighbors?” Sandra asked me as I poured the milk into my plate.
“Yes, for the third time!” I said, annoyed.
“They're arriving today. Later this evening. But I think they won't arrive until nighttime. I mean, with these roads... It's all full of snow. And then from Berlin to here. Then good night. I wouldn't feel like it.”
Yes, I could well imagine that, because when it came to Sandra's car, she usually saw red. In winter, the good piece was usually parked in the parking lot in front of the house. And if I only dared to ask if I could have it, then I could hear something. She had gotten that from her mother, because if I wanted to watch TV at my grandma's, it couldn't be for too long, because the TV could get hot and explode...
“They're here!!! Look...!“ André shouted, standing in the hallway.
“André, don't shout so loudly, they might hear you,” Sandra said, but she also ran into the hallway to see who the neighbors were. I, on the other hand, remained calm, ate my flakes and enjoyed the silence that fell because both of them were standing in front of the window. Behind the curtain, of course.
“I'm just wondering why they're here so early,“ Sandra asked, still sniffing behind the curtain.
“They probably left yesterday so that they would arrive this morning,” André replied, now daring to push the curtain aside a little, but Sandra quickly tapped him on the fingers and pulled the white cloth back. “If someone sees us...”
I put the plate in the dishwasher and finally sat down at my PC to copy a few songs onto it. It wasn't long before I heard a few steps coming towards my door. There was a knock.
“Yeah!” I said, bored.
“It's only me,” Sandra said, coming in. ‘It's about time to clean up, isn't it?’ she said after a penetrating look that wandered through my entire room.
I looked at her annoyed and she didn't go into the subject in more detail.
“I wanted to ask you if you could quickly run to the pharmacy. I need a couple of aspirin. I have a hell of a headache today. Must be the weather.”
I didn't even have the slightest desire to go to the pharmacy right now, but if I said no, she would start with the typical “So that's the thanks I get for doing your laundry and running the household” and the worst part for me was that she was right.
“I'll be done with the music in a minute, then I'll go, OK?”
“All right. I'll leave the money on the kitchen table.” She said and left.
It took a while before Scooter's tramp was on my hard drive. Meanwhile, I lit a cigarette and laced up my Bufallos. The song was finished and so was Martin. I went down to the dressing room and put on my jacket, took the money from the kitchen table and set off.
I had barely opened the door when I felt the cold wind passing by. It smelled like winter. Right in front of me, I saw Mrs. Schulze's house. A furniture truck was standing in front of it. It somehow took up the whole street, because there was no space to drive to the side, because there were all the snowdrifts. Many workers were carrying pieces of furniture and boxes upstairs. I couldn't tell whether the red cheeks on the workers were from the cold or from the work. I stood there for a while, hoping to see one of my new neighbors, but it was always just the workers who were bringing this and that into the house. Dressed all in blue, they carried boxes and carried cabinets into Frau Schulze's house. A Combi suddenly stopped next to me. I looked over. It was Frank. Thank God the way to the garage had been cleared, otherwise he would have been annoyed that there were two healthy children in the household who were on vacation and had done nothing... He got out...
“Hey Martin, I'm surprised to see you again.”
“Well, when you're on vacation, you tend to sleep a little longer than usual. Didn't you have the night shift too?”
“Yeah, you're right. Then I must have slept when you were awake,” he said jokingly. ”Where are you going in this cold?”
“I'm going to get aspirin for your partner.”
“It's pretty stupid when you're as sensitive to the weather as your mother, isn't it? Why doesn't André do it?”
I thought about it. It's true, actually. Why doesn't André do it? But now I didn't care. Now that I was out, I might as well go myself. Besides, I liked the snow anyway, only the cold made me flinch a little.
“Oh well, it doesn't matter. I can walk myself,” I said indifferently. ‘Besides, André is probably busy watching the new neighbors unpack! He's been sitting behind the window the whole time,’ I added quietly.
Frank laughed. ”Let's see what he's up to. I'm going inside first to check everything's okay, and I'm freezing anyway. Hopefully it won't freeze during the night.”
He unlocked the door and let it fall shut behind him. I briefly considered lighting up a cigarette, but I preferred to keep my hands in my pockets. I slowly began my little trek to the pharmacy, passing all the people shoveling snow to clear their driveways or yards. It didn't take long to realize that the sidewalks were a bit slippery here and there, but I managed to avoid slipping on the Seifert family's fence, and I was able to grab hold of it just in time. However, I almost caught my finger in the spur, but I managed to pull it out quickly.
When I arrived at the pharmacy, I got the aspirin for my mom and started my way back. I turned around briefly and thought about going to the supermarket, which was just a short distance away from the pharmacy, to get a pack of cigarettes, but I ultimately decided on the cigarette vending machine on the way home.
Finally, I was overcome by lung longing and I lit a fag. What you don't endure just to smoke one, I thought to myself and looked at my hand. Red with cold and after a while I couldn't even feel my fingers anymore.
I stopped at the cigarette machine and rummaged through my jacket pockets for six marks. I put a fiver and a mark in the machine, pressed Lucky, took the pack, took a step straight ahead and then it happened. Lying on the floor, I looked up at the sky.
“Hey, careful. It's pretty slippery outside. Can I help you? Take my hand!”
As if in a total blackout, I could now only think of Emily's party, where I met Chris. The current situation seemed so familiar to me, only this time it wasn't Denise Fuß, but the slipperiness on the streets that made me fall.
“Come on, otherwise you'll catch your death down there on the cold ice!”
I took the hand and gasped.
“Well, that's much better, otherwise you would have got a wet ass!”
Only now did I realize who was pulling me out of the embarrassing situation. It was a boy, a handsome boy, about 23 years old. Now, of course, the situation was even more embarrassing for me. The only strange thing was that I didn't know him, because here everyone actually knew everyone, at least by sight.
“Does that happen to you often?“ the boy grinned at me.
“No, not really. I was lost in thought,” I tried to get out of it.
“Then next time you'd better keep your mind on what you're doing! Can't be that hard for a smoker to get cigarettes out of a vending machine, can it?” he said with a grin, continuing in the direction of the grocery store without waiting for an answer. I watched him go and finally continued on as well.
When I arrived home, I put the aspirin on the coffee table for my mom.
“And what's it like outside? Did you meet anyone?“ I heard Sandra ask from the kitchen.
“It's pretty cold outside... and slippery,” I said, laughing.
The kitchen door opened and Sandra leaned against the doorframe. She was holding a dough scraper...
“Why are you laughing like that? Did you fall down or what?” she asked.
“Yes, by the cigarette machine. Well, it was also slippery there,“ I said, while I took off my jacket, which I hung on the coat rack.
“Then I'm warned. I want to see Mrs. Öhne later,” she replied, while she leaned her foot against the door so that it wouldn't close.
“Once again for coffee gossip or what?”
“Of course. Let's see what's new in the area.”
“You can't rely on what's being said anyway. Remember Andrea Henniges? She broke her leg and you told me that she was fighting for her life. But what are you doing with that dough scraper anyway?”
“Well Martin, what do you do with it?“ Sandra looked at me as if I knew nothing about anything. She swung the dough scraper in her hand from left to right.
“Yes, I see. Scrape dough,” I defended myself against her gaze.
“I'm making cheesecake for later. After all, I have to bring something to the coffee,“ she said, ending our conversation by going back to the kitchen and finally shutting the door behind her, when André came stumbling towards me from the stairs.
“Well, were you out and about?” he asked with a fake laugh.
“Yes I was. If you're too lazy...”
“Wait a minute. Nobody asked me. Besides, I already took out the trash yesterday! And what are you digging around in your jacket pocket for?”
He always had to notice everything. I'm desperately searching in the pockets of my brown neoprene jacket for my Luckys...
“I'm just looking for my cigarettes that I just bought and then I'll disappear in my room to play a round of Monopoly with me?”
I don't know why I came up with that, but I felt like playing something with André again. I always thought it was too funny when he lost. He always got so upset and then he usually crashed the whole game into some corner...
“We can do that.”
“Shit!”
“What?”
I kept digging through my pockets, but there were no cigarettes to be found.
“I must have lost my cigs. Probably when I slipped.”
“What are you?“ André asked, laughing. I think he wanted to make fun of me now, but I didn't have time for that. I put my jacket back on and ran out the door.
“They're gone anyway!” I heard André call as I made my way to the vending machine. I walked down our street quickly but carefully.
“Hey?”
I hoped that they were still lying there, but I was already getting used to the idea of buying new ones.
“Hello! Hey! Wait a minute?”
I looked behind me and blushed. It was the guy who helped me get up earlier.
I looked at him questioningly.
“Well, finally! Were you lost in thought again?” he grinned.
“Yes, I want to go to the vending machine. I have...”
“Lost the cigarettes?“ he interrupted me, taking a pack of Luckys out of his pocket.
“Exactly...” I said in amazement.
“Here you go,” he said, pressing the pack into my hands.
“I turned around to see if you were on the ground again, and that's when I saw them. But you were already too far away, so I didn't want to yell after you.”
“That's really sweet... Thanks.”
He smiled at me. “Am I right in assuming that you're quite a dreamer?” He grinned and raised his right eyebrow.
“Well, not really, but sometimes you just have things you can't handle. Say, I've never seen you here before. Are you visiting for Christmas or what?” I finally asked him.
“Well, you couldn't say it like that. I've recently started living at Brannteweg 3.” I was quite amazed when I heard that, because after all, I lived at Brannteweg 4.
“Then you live above Frau Schulze, don't you?”
“Yes, if that's the landlady's name? An older lady with frizzy gray hair. But she seems quite nice.”
“With glasses on her nose that seem much too big for her?”
“Yes exactly!”
“That's right, that's Mrs. Schulze. So you're one of our new neighbors.”
He was quite amazed when I told him that.
“Great coincidence,” he said, and gave me his hand again. It was nice and warm because he had it in his pocket the whole time. ”My name is Jessy!”
“Martin,” I finally said. ”Where did you come from, anyway? You don't know your way around here, do you?”
“No, but my mother has already talked to several people and she found out that there is a Rewe supermarket nearby. She sent me to buy some things. Besides, I want to fill my fridge a bit too.”
“Don't you have one for everyone?” I asked, puzzled.
Jessy grinned. ‘Of course, but I live at the top, have my own apartment and my own fridge.”
“Oh,’ I said, laughing, only now noticing what beautiful blue eyes he had. ”Do you want to go home now, too? Then we can walk together.”
“Sure, we can do that.”
And then we set off. I felt very comfortable in his presence. There was something about him that I really liked. I don't know if it was his looks, his way of talking, or just his manner of presenting himself, or just a new friend, but I felt there was something about him that impressed me.
“Why did you move, anyway?”
“My dad has a new job here. Besides, he's always hated big cities. The great thing is that I already have a place here where I can continue my training.”
“What kind of training do you do?” I asked eagerly.
“Car mechanic. And what do you do?”
“I'm still going to school. I'm doing my A-levels in April.”
“So, here we are,” he said. ‘Would you like to come in with us?”
I looked at him in wonder. ’No, I don't think so. You guys probably have a lot of stress right now because of setting up and all. But another time would be nice.”
I looked at the workers, who were losing one bead of sweat after another. I was surprised that they didn't freeze into ice in this freezing cold. I really didn't need to walk around in it.
Jessy didn't change his expression.
“But if you feel like it, come to my place.”
“The house right across the street, right?” Jessy looked at it carefully and grinned. ”It's okay, I'll just quickly take the bags inside. I'll be right back.”
And he was. It didn't take long for him to be standing in front of me again. And how he stood there. Somehow very cute and sweet. I hadn't liked a boy that much in a long time. Somehow everything was right. Even his nose matched his face. He always angled his mouth to reflect his mood, I had noticed that by now.
We went to my home and when I unlocked the door, I noticed the strange smell of cheesecake. I stopped dead in my tracks. The thoughts in my head were racing. Cheesecake, car mechanic, kissing the ground. Was all this really a coincidence?
“Hey, do we want to stand here between the door and the hinge or have you changed your mind after all? ... Martin?”
“Yes, I mean no. No, I was just...”
“In thought!” Jessy interrupted me. ‘It's pretty easy to get to know you,’ he said jokingly. I just grinned at him and hoped that he didn't think I was crazy or unworldly or something. We went up the two flights of stairs to my room.
“Nice house!“ said Jessy, looking around at everything.
“You think so?”
“Yes, of course! It's all very tasteful.”
We went into my room.
“There you are at last. Where have you been?” André looked a bit taken aback when he saw Jessy standing in the doorway just behind me.
“I wasn't gone that long,“ I said. ‘On the way, I met Jessy. He's our new neighbor.”
Jessy grinned and shook hands with André.
“You already know my name...’ said my new handsome.
“André's my name!” he stuttered more or less to himself, rubbing one hand against the other.
“One of those skaters or am I wrong?”
“No, you're right,“ André replied shyly, not taking his eyes off the floor.
“Have a seat,” I finally said, pointing with my hand at the sofa and armchair. Jessy chose the armchair. He sat down and let one arm casually hang from the armrest.
“And you two get along?“ Jessy asked, probably to fill the brief silence.
“Yes, why not?” I asked and went to the display case, which was right next to the door on the right, to organize a few glasses. “Would you like something to drink too?”
“Yes, please. I'm just saying, because skaters and ravers don't necessarily get along.”
I looked at myself and I looked at André. Could you really generalize it like that? I wasn't quite sure if we could stand each other if Chris were still there, because I had the feeling that his death had brought us together.
“No, no. We get along fine. OK, there are one or two tussles, of course, but on the whole I can't complain about him.” Jessy nodded. “He could just let me sleep longer during the holidays,” I added jokingly and looked sternly at André.
Jessy laughed and lit a cigarette. “Oh, sorry, forgot to ask if you can smoke here!”
“It's okay. The ashtray is not here for fun,“ I said teasingly.
“What about Monopoly?” André asked. I was surprised that he spoke up now. Normally, the situation of a strange boy being in my room was a little creepy for him, but apparently he seemed to like him.
“We can do that tomorrow,” I said.
“Were you going to play Monopoly?” Jassy asked. ”I'd like that too.”
I was visibly surprised, but then my cell phone rang.
“Yes?”
“Hi, it's me, Nicki!”
“Hi! What's up?”
“We've decided to organize a small party at short notice. Do you want to join us?”
I looked over at Jessy and André, who had meanwhile set up the game and were having a great time. “I don't know...”
“Come on. The party is at Emily's in the party room. I've already told Didi and Basti,” Nicki interrupted me.
“Yes, but I just have guests and...”
“Nonsense! Just bring them along. The more of us, the more fun!” Male or female?”
“Who?”
“Well, the guest!”
Instinctively, I looked over at Jessy, as if I had to check whether he was male or female. He was busy dividing the money with André and set three playing pieces to GO.
“Male!”
“Well, all the better. Is he good-looking?”
“Nicki! Hands off!”
“Ahhh, I see... your new flame?”
“No!” I said defiantly, ‘But he's our new neighbor and...”
“Are you talking about me?’ I suddenly heard Jessy interject.
I looked at him, startled. I noticed how I blushed easily! Was I talking so loud?
“Yes! It's about a party! Tonight. Do you want to come?”
Jessy laughed. “Parties are the best way to get to know each other, aren't they?” he said. I wasn't sure if it was a wink or if I imagined that he had winked at me.
“Nicki? Pick us up at 8 p.m. There are three of us,” I said and hung up.
I sat back down on the couch and saw that the game was set up.
“Well, I guess we won't be playing after all!“ André said, more or less jokingly.
“Then we'll just move it to tomorrow. Jessy's not out of the picture.”
“That's right. I'll be right next door,” he grinned. “Who was this Nicki?”
“A good friend of mine. I met her at her own party, to which my then best friend Steffi took me,” I replied, remembering the party at the same time. It was a Halloween party. Some were in costumes, others were just there. Boy, was I drunk then... ”It turned out later that she was a friend of my aunt Heike. We went to discos and stuff together. She's quite nice... super nice actually. I like being with her.”
Jessy grinned. “What do you wear to a party like that?” he asked.
“Most of them are ravers. Bell-bottom or rave trousers, tighter T-shirts and a Cordon or Freeman T-Porter jacket made of neoprene. Buffalos or something... A vest wouldn't be bad either...” I talked and talked, although I didn't even notice how confused Jessy looked at me.
“Can you write it down for me?” He asked jokingly. ”I'll see what I can do!”
“Oh, it doesn't matter. Just come as you feel most comfortable.”
“Then I'll go over there. I wanted to take a shower and then I'll come back here, okay?”
“Yes, that's fine! Oh, and if you have it, bring a bottle of booze!”
Jessy put on his jacket and I accompanied him to the door.
“A bottle of booze?” he asked.
“Yeah, well, a bottle of champagne or wine or fig or something...”
Jessy had to laugh. ”It's okay, kid. I'll ring the bell then. Bye!”
And the door closed.
Somehow this winter seemed a bit strange to me. I lit a cigarette and went into the living room. Frank was sitting asleep in his armchair, as he always called it, next to him a bottle of beer and the TV was on. I decided not to wake him up and went into André's room.
“What do you want here?“ I was hit over the head when I closed his room door behind me.
“What does that mean?” I asked, lighting up. “Where's your ashtray?”
“It's under the English book.”
I took the book away and stuffed it on his shelf, which he had actually had specially added for school things. Well, he used it for the first few weeks. Now there was some strange head made of glass or something on it, with huge headphones on it, next to it a lava lamp in blue. I always wanted it, but he didn't give it to me.
“He's quite nice, isn't he?“ André reached for my Lucky box and took one out. I gave him a light.
“Yes he is,” I said, looking at the Wu-Tang poster hanging over Anré's bed.
“He's really good-looking, isn't he?” I had reached the point where I no longer thought of him as André. He had never said that a boy looked good-looking before. He thought it was gay for a boy to think the other one looked good. I didn't particularly like the way he said it, but we never argued about it. He knew I was gay and treated me normally. OK, every now and then, when there was really one of those super guys on TV, he would always look at me with this teasing grin. But I always hit him in the face with the nearest object I could find. Once I felt very sorry for him when the remote control was lying next to me. That must have been quite the onion.
“Of course he's good-looking. Remember that you still have to get ready, or don't you want to shower anymore?” I didn't want to talk about Jessy anymore. First I had to think about how to proceed with him, besides, who said I had a chance with him anyway?
“Nah, I'm not going to shower. I already did today.”
I remembered the party last year. When Didi picked me up and wore her gothic outfit, how she disappeared with that one guy and Denise's foot. Oh, no. The foot. How grateful I was to him. It may sound strange now, but if it hadn't been for him...
“What are you wearing today?” André interrupted my train of thought. Maybe even right, because otherwise I would probably get melancholy again.
“I think my aluminum foil pants and the smog sweater over them, you know, the one with the star on the front. And I'll take my black vest with me just in case Jessy's wearing an ugly T-shirt. Yes, and my Freeman T-Porter jacket.”
“And the hair?”
I looked puzzled. “André, this is a normal internal party and not a beauty contest.”
“Parties are the best way to get to know each other!”
I looked at him. ”But that's what Jessy said earlier!”
“...and winked at you!”
So he did. I thought I had imagined it. Why would he wink at me just like that? If I had a chance with him, would I even want to take it? I wasn't quite sure about that yet. Chris was still on my mind.
“André?”
“What?” He stubbed out his cigarette.
“I can't get Chris out of my head.”
André turned to me. “Martin. Who says that you have to forget him when you enter into a new relationship? Who says that you must never think of him again and who gives you the right to forbid you to forget the good times you had together? Nobody! Not even Jessy would do that, no one can demand that. But you have to accept that he's dead.” André began to tremble as he spoke. “He won't come back, no matter how much we wish he would. Understand that. Death is terrible for everyone, but it gives us the chance for a new beginning. An end is always a new beginning. You can't shut yourself off forever and protect yourself from new relationships! Grab love when it smiles at you, otherwise it will be too late. Chris would never have wanted you to forget the hours you spent together, but he wouldn't have wanted you to plunge into endless unhappiness either. Who knows? Maybe he sent you Jessy? We don't know what happens after death, we don't know where those we love go, we only know that now our lives go on. I think, no, I know that you will never forget Chris, but move on with your life!”
I was flabbergasted. It was hard to hear, but what André said was true, but at that moment I just wanted to cry. I should thank André, but I just held him very tightly. He held me tight. I realized that there was someone I could trust completely, and I felt that for the first time in ages. I had friends here and there, but I never found as much trust in anyone as I did in my little brother, who was perhaps more mature than me. Tears rolled down my eyes. I heard André sobbing. It seemed as if he hadn't just said it for me; I think it helped him, too. He had had these sentences in his head the whole time, but now that he had said them, he understood their meaning, just like me.
“Thank you, André!”
He looked at me with reddened eyes. “Now go take a shower!”
I let him go, even though I didn't like to, packed up my things and went to shower. The warm water flowed over my face and over my entire body. I couldn't get André's words out of my head. Again and again I repeated the words ‘He's right’ in my head, undecided about anything.
There was a knock on the bathroom door. “Martin, hurry up. Nicki is already here and Jessy too. We're in your room!”
Was it that late already? How long had I been in the shower?
“It's okay, I'll hurry.”
The mirror was all steamed up, I wiped it dry with the towel, but after a few seconds it looked the same as before. I put on my pants and wrapped myself in my T-shirt. The sweater was in my room. I unlocked the bathroom door and walked down the hall to my realm. Already on the relatively wide hallway, I heard a single laughter and chatter. I opened the door and was struck by lightning when Nicki immediately wrapped herself around my neck.
“Hi sweetie! How are you?”
I looked at her in surprise. Black ATO raver trousers, a white top and a black vest over it. She held her long wavy hair on her head with small colorful clips.
“Pretty good. You look great!”
“Thanks... but so do you.”
I grinned. “Of course and how. My hair not done yet and everything... I'll go to the mirror first.”
“But do the paint now!” André shouted after me, who I noticed was talking to Jessy.
A bit of hairspray here and hair lacquer there and the comb in the right place and I was ready. I searched desperately for my special hairspray that glows in black light, but I couldn't find it anywhere. However, when I went to get my fags from André's room, I saw it under one of his T-shirts.
When I arrived in my room, everyone was already ready to go.
“Are we going now?“ asked Nicki, who was so eager to party that she could hardly contain herself.
“Are you going back?” I asked her.
“No, we're sleeping at Emely's!”
I looked at Jessy. Was he okay with that? He nodded at me as if he had understood my thought and I grinned.
We got into Nicki's Renault, okay, it was a bit cramped because the car was so small, but I couldn't sit close enough to Jessy. That's why I sincerely rejected my claim to be allowed to sit in the front. What annoyed us all a bit was that Nicki's car didn't have a radio. Of course it had to break when I threw a cassette in too hard, but we could count on Nicki.
“Ramal lam...“, she held her right hand to her ear, demanding.
“Ding dong!” we sang, and even Jessy joined in. I have to say that if I had been in his situation, I probably wouldn't have been able to get a word out. You see, I'm pretty shy when I don't know someone, but he was different.
After 'Rama lama ding dong', Nicki started singing other songs that we all knew well, with one or two Jessy took a break, because they were probably not as strong in Berlin as he tried to talk his way out of it.
The ride didn't take too long. It seemed like a few seconds and we were already there. I wasn't sure if I was already losing track of time next to Jessy or if it was Nicki's fault, who was heating us up so much with her catchy tunes.
“Hey, there you are at last!” Emely jumped up to us, looking at Jessy in amazement.
“Hi, you're Emely? I'm Jessy!“ He said and shook her hand. I was amazed at his self-confidence.
“Hi, yes I'm Emely. But who are you with?”
“I'm a buddy of Martin's.” He smiled at me and I smiled back. “I'm his new neighbor.”
Now Emely's thirst for knowledge was quenched and she accompanied us to her basement party. It was supposed to be just a small private party, I had heard, but what was going on here was really amazing. So many people. OK, I knew most of them, but there were new faces every time. I had to laugh terribly when I saw Denise. Why? No idea! Or was it done on the grounds that she was just Denise?
We sat down at a free table. Emely jumped around here and there and got drinks and glasses.
“I like it here,” said Jessy.
“I'm glad. It's always quite fun here when there's a party.”
“Say, do you know the blonde over there?”
“Yes, why? That's Sabine, my ex!”
He looked at me in puzzlement...
“She looks awesome!”
I looked at him like a car, only not as fast, but a lot more shocked...
“Can you introduce me?”
I briefly considered dissing her in front of him, but what right did I have to do that? In all the anger I felt in my stomach at the moment, it was hard to admit to myself that she was actually quite nice. But at that moment she was a slut to me, the biggest of all sluts walking around here.
“Hey Sabine!”
She looked over at me and came running.
“Martin! Hi! I've been waiting for you. I thought you weren't coming or someone forgot to tell you...”
She took me in her arms so tightly that I was almost crushed. Her exaggeratedly polite manner got on my nerves so much that I would have liked to smash my glass against her fat head, but I controlled myself... the good sparkling wine...
“No, no. Nicki told me. May I introduce you to someone? This is Jessy, my new neighbor.”
Sabine looked at Jessy as if he were already naked in front of her. And I hated that look! She had looked at me the same way when we first met. As far as sex was concerned, she was even worse than Didi.
“Sabine. Nice to meet you. Do you want to go for a drink?”
“Sure!”
And then Jessy disappeared with her. He could have saved the super smile that he gave me. I couldn't quite believe that he just left me sitting here.
I got up and went over to Nicki. I hadn't even noticed that Nine and Co were already there.
I had met Nine about three months ago at the disco through Nicki and we got on well right from the start. It even got so out of hand that she spent a whole month at my place because we got on so well. I had never got to know a person so well in such a short time and we also had a lot in common.
“Hey Nine!”
She looked at me and hugged me so hard that I almost couldn't breathe, which reminded me of Sabine again.
“Martin, how are you?”
Of course I didn't want to spoil her mood because of Jessy, so I said that I was doing great, which was not at all true.
“Yeah, faith might be going great for you. What's up with you?”
And I realized again how well she knew me. She must have a sense of how I was doing.
“Hey Nine, not today, not now, and not here, okay? I want to have fun today. Where's the alcohol?”
Nine looked at me quizzically. But she knew I wouldn't overdo it with the good stuff! She handed me a Desperados and clinked glasses with me.
“Enjoy!”
“You too!” I grinned at her.
We put the bottle to our mouths and took a big gulp.
“Oh, so that's Eva!” said Nine.
Why did she always have to introduce people to me without warning... I was trying to get the lemon bitterly into the bottle and wondered who had cut the slices so thickly when a hand came towards me, into which I put the lemon because it was too much trouble for me to pop it in there. I finally took another sip and when I looked up, I saw two eyes looking at me in horror and next to them a laughing Nine. Oh God, that was embarrassing. Of course, I took the slice back immediately and shook hands with Eve.
“Martin, nice to meet you!”
“Hello, I'm Eve, right?”
“Yeah, maybe!” I replied.
We were both a little embarrassed, although in retrospect I actually found it really funny.
We looked at each other briefly and then both started to laugh.
“Hey, come with me! We'll go see who else is here,” she said to me, took my hand and pulled me along.
I looked through the crowd and saw many people waving and greeting me.
“Hey Martin, I have to introduce you to someone. This is my friend Christian!”
I looked at him and he looked at me.
“Hi, Christian!” he said with a light handshake.
“Martin!”
He seemed to be one of the shy types, because he didn't really know what to say, so he just stared at me and I at him.
Cute, I thought to myself and once again forgiven. How could it be otherwise? Blonde hair, sticking out to the side a bit, a little shorter than me and yet already so grown up. As I found out later, he was 17 and doing an apprenticeship as a cook in a village not far from me.
We were already standing at Nine again when I suddenly had to think of Chris again. I put my cigarettes, which were lying on the counter next to me, in my pocket and went outside, where I sat down on the bench where I had sat a year and a half ago, feeling very disappointed. My pants were soaked through with cold snow and it got a little wet at the crotch, but that didn't bother me at all in my current state. I looked up at the stars. It would be stupid to say that they have the same constellation today as they did back then, but for me it was.
I looked back again:
“Didi, please leave me alone!”
“How many names do you want to give me?”
I closed my eyes, turned around and smiled.
I took Chris in my arms and kissed him.