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“When we touch, it's an explosion every time! I want to live forever with you, our love makes us free... I love you!” Chris said to me with shining eyes. I looked at him, into his hazel eyes. We were on our hunting chair in the middle of a green meadow! The moon was shining brightly on the earth.
“The moon is reflected in your eyes, little one, you are beaming at me,” Chris added in a soft voice, took my hands and kissed me. Now I knew what he meant by explosion, I felt warm and cold. I felt comfortable in his arms, very comfortable. Together we looked at the stars.
“Do you see the Big Dipper, little one?” I looked up and searched, but couldn't find it.
“Where is it?”
“There! See the three stars that form a kind of stem, with the Big Dipper hanging below them!” He pointed to the sky with his finger. I followed him and now I recognized it too. We held each other tightly again, then he turned away from me. I don't know what he wanted to do, but he leaned against the wooden railing of the hunting chair.
“Be careful, don't do a swan dive and make me drive you to the hospital!”
“Don't worry, I'll be fine!” he replied, leaning over even further. I heard a crack and Chris lost his balance. He fell headfirst down. I ran to the broken railing. It started to rain, thunder and storm. There was no longer a meadow below us. Chris plunged into a large dark hole. I could only scream...
“Chris... Chris... Chris...!”
“Martin... Martin... Martin... Martin...!“ I heard it sound upwards.
“Martin... Martin... Martin...!” I woke up bathed in sweat.
“Martin... Martin... Hey... Martin!“ I sat up. It was just a dream. I had to take a deep breath first.
“Martin... hello... Martin!” my door burst open and André came in!
“Martin, man. Are you hard of hearing? Come with me, you'll definitely like this!” He looked at me more closely...
“Are you crying?”
I wiped away the tear that ran down my cheek. “No, it's because I was asleep until just now!” I didn't want to tell him that I had dreamt of Chris. It was at least as hard for him to get over Chris's death as it was for me.
“Yes, then come with me... I want to show you something!” With difficulty, I pushed aside my blanket and got up. André led me down the two flights of stairs and opened the garden door.
“Cool, isn't it?” he said, putting both hands on his hips and looking at me. I looked at him first, then I looked into the garden! Wide-eyed, I watched the snow falling gently. It was beautiful, especially because the garden led to a forest. The trees, the grass, everything was white and it continued to snow.
“I knew you would like it. It didn't escape me that you think snow is great,” said André, taking a few steps in the garden. With each of his steps, with his mega skate shoes, I heard the snow crack, which I liked so much. I was so lost in thought that it took a snowball that André threw at my head, sending the rest of the snowball flying into the hallway and leaving a few small puddles, to wake me up.
“Just you wait, you'll get it back!” I ran into the garden and grabbed him.
“Have you showered today?” was my last question before I got hold of him and lathered him up vigorously. André could only snort and the garbled words that were supposed to mean ‘stop it’ didn't stop me from continuing. But what prevented me was the fact that I was still in boxer shorts and a T-shirt. Oops... I had completely forgotten. I was wondering why my legs were so wet, even though I had soaped him up.
BIBBER BIBBER.
I quickly went up to my room, taking care not to slip on the puddles of melting snow.
“You'll pay for that!” I heard just before I closed my door and packed my clothes for the day. Then it was off to the shower. I fixed my hair in front of the mirror and then went down for breakfast.
“You want to have breakfast at 10 a.m.? Forget it, make yourself a bowl of cornflakes!” were Sandra's words, which I got to hear after my idea. So I went into the kitchen, well, I had no choice. I really felt more comfortable after Sandra and I moved in with Frank. Only one person is missing here, someone I loved very much.
“What are you doing here?“ André asked me teasingly, sitting at the table and also eating a portion of cornflakes. You could tell from his face that he had been through a wild battle.
“That's none of your business!” I replied.
It's just our normal way of dealing with each other. We sometimes throw really harsh words at each other, but we can never be angry. He is the brother I never had, and I guess I'm his Chris now. But no matter how hard I tried, would I be able to do it? Did I want to do it? No, I'm not Chris and André knew that. He just grew up with his brother and now he saw me as his real brother.
I took the milk out of the fridge and got a plate.
“We're out of cornflakes. I've got the last ones on my plate!” my little brother said with his mouth full and a big grin on his face.
“Think again!“ I went to the pantry, where I always hid my favorite cereal, and snatched the Nesquick box.
“Where did you get that?” André asked protestingly when he saw what I was putting in my plate.
“That, on the other hand, is none of your business!” I replied this time.
André left the kitchen angrily and stuck out his tongue at me before going into the living room. I mean, at 17 years old, he's still very childish. All right, I guess it's not really the job of a 21-year-old to soap up his little brother in boxer shorts and a T-shirt in the morning hours, but that was just revenge.
I now finished my cornflakes with relish and slurped the cocoa from my plate. I looked at the clock hanging above the calendar to the left of the dinette. 12:45! Oops. Didi was supposed to pick me up at 1:00. We were going to bake all the Christmas cookies together today. I lit a cigarette and went into the living room, sat down in the armchair and watched a cartoon with André. Some small cacti were trying to catch some kind of monster caterpillar. Very amusing and educationally valuable. I had to smile.
“If you don't like the program, then leave!” It seemed as if André was still angry.
“Yeah, you'll be rid of me in 10 minutes,“ I replied, continuing to watch the cacti, which were now trying to throw a net over the caterpillar.
“Where do you want to go?” I finally gathered from the brief silence that had fallen.
“I'm going to Basti's with Didi. We want to bake cookies!”
“Hey, then I can definitely come with you, right?”
“I still have to think about that.”
“Oh, come on. Yes?”
I tried to persuade him that Didi's car had a flat tire and therefore only two people could ride in the car, otherwise the other tire would also lose air, but I hit a brick wall.
“You're crazy! That excuse is really stupid!”
When André and I looked at each other, we both started to laugh out loud. Apparently, he had also imagined it visually, how something like that could look.
“I'll ask Didi, OK?” I finally said and André nodded his head.
“Now take your plate to the kitchen, we'll be picked up any minute!”
André rushed up, took his plate and ran to the kitchen. I looked at the TV again. Somehow I didn't understand the whole story with the cacti and the caterpillar. Now they had caught it and then they released it again? Strange game. I tapped my forehead, turned off the TV and went to the hallway closet when the doorbell rang. No, the bell hadn't been replaced, not even at my urgent request. It still sounds as if a whole regiment is attacking. But you get used to it. André jumped from the kitchen to the front door and opened it.
“Oh, it's cold outside!“ Said Didi, entering the hallway with bright red cheeks and a red nose. She still hasn't come down from her ‘goth trip’. But it has already improved. The dress or cape from back then has already been donated to the used clothing drive.
“Are you ready to go or what?” She asked me.
“Of course I am! Just put on my jacket and I'm ready to go.”
André tapped me on the shoulder.
“Oh Didi! Can André come too?”
“Sure, but only if you carry the baking stuff in,” Didi said to André, who would have stolen Saturn's tire to come with us. It was always great for him to be with older people. And soon he would be part of the gang, too. He was the only hip-hopper in our group, though. Everyone else listened to techno, well, except Didi, she listened to her goth stuff. But somehow we always managed to listen to the right music so that everyone got something out of it.
“Can we go?” Didi's words were unambiguous, which André also noticed. He quickly put on his jacket and went to the Fiesta. I took mine off the coat rack and put it on. Didi leaned towards me and spoke in a low voice: ”Boy, what Basti did again yesterday...”
“What did he do this time?” I asked, more or less surprised, because anyone who knew Didi knew that it would be about sex or men. Well, in this case it was probably more about sex. I guessed that it was about a position that the two of them might have tried again.
“Well, yesterday we tried a new position...”
Bingo, I thought to myself!
“...and Basti went wild like a bull. But I'll tell you later!” she said, waving our short conversation away with her hand.
Baking cookies was less turbulent, with the exception of André getting the dough thrown in his face by Basti, the kitchen looking like a bomb had hit it, and Didi nagging me about her position. But it had been quite fun, and I noticed again and again how attached André was to Basti. It seemed to me as if he saw his brother in every older male being. He used to be quite different.
The biscuits, OK I admit it, I burned some, tasted very delicious despite everything. Didi and I finally cleaned up the kitchen and we all watched a video.
“Sister Act???,” Basti asked.
Didi's face turned into a grin. I secretly wondered how “goths” and church videos could go together, but quickly abandoned the thought. André turned on the TV and Basti finally inserted the video.
“We're a good team!”
It was always funny how Whoopy, aka Dolores, tried to get the microphone off the holder.
It was getting dark outside. In the light of the streetlamps, you could see the snow falling slowly from the window.
The movie was finally over. André and I packed our biscuits in Tupperware bowls and stuffed them into a bag.
“Time to go!” I said. André looked sad. He would have liked to have stayed longer, but I thought that enough was enough.
Didi fought her way through the snow with her car and skidded a few times, but thank God nothing happened.
“As nice as the snow is, it's not particularly suitable for driving,“ Didi said when we arrived at André and I's house.
“Maybe you should swap the tires for skis,” André said jokingly. Didi grinned at the back seat.
“Well, let's get going,“ I said. My little brother and I got out, hugged Didi goodbye and went into the house. We took off our jackets and hung them on the coat rack. The cookies migrated from the kitchen to the living room by themselves, ending up in Sandra's lap.
“But these are dark...burnt?” she asked.
“They're Andrés!” I said jokingly. Of course, he tried hard to defend himself, and with success, because what the mother can't do so well, the son can't do much better either, where I thought of cheesecake. Sandra was watching ‘Who Wants to Be a Millionaire’! When I saw the TV, I remembered the cacti and the monster caterpillar again. I smiled briefly.
“It's a good thing you're back already,“ Sandra interrupted my daydreaming.
“It's snowing harder and harder. You might not have made it back here!” She looked at me expectantly, shoving another burnt cookie into her mouth.
“We would have crashed at Didi and Basti's,” I said.
Sandra grimaced, “Boy, oh boy. How long did you leave those in the oven, Martin? It tastes like coal!” André laughed and pointed to his baked cookies, which, of course, were the best there were.
“Try these!” he said. I ran to my mom and took my cookies away from her. ”If you don't like them, I'll take them upstairs!”
“Enjoy your meal!” I got as an answer. How bold!!! I took the blue Tupperware bowl and went up the stairs to my room. The hallway of the first floor was equipped with windows that allowed me to see parts of our city outside. A string of lights adorned the windows through which I looked. I stopped and looked outside. I turned off the hallway light and unplugged the Christmas lights from the socket. How beautiful it was outside. In the truest sense of the song, the snow was slowly falling over roofs, benches, gardens and on cars parked in their spaces. All the windows were decorated with fairy lights like we had or with flashing stars. I particularly liked the window of our neighbor, Mrs. Schulze. A nativity scene and the people in it graced it. Somehow I felt sorry for her. Especially at Christmas, you want the partner you love by your side. She no longer had one, living in a large two-story house that her husband had bought back then.
Actually, a family with children could easily have been accommodated there, then she would not always be so alone. Her husband had died several years ago and her children lived in Denmark. Actually, it's not that far to visit your mother.
Well, I wasn't necessarily any different from her. Okay, I didn't have children, but I also missed the man I loved more than anything. And then I remembered my dream. How Chris spoke to me, what he told me and how he fell. I secretly wished he were there, hadn't tried to kill himself back then.
I shook myself, put the plug back where it belonged, turned on the hall light and ran up the nearest stairs to my room. When I arrived in the hallway, I automatically looked in the direction of Chris's old room. I quickly turned my gaze away and went into my realm. As always, it looked a bit messy here. I was just about to sit down on my blue couch when I bumped into a stack of books lying on my table, causing it to fall to the floor. I picked them up and put them in the cupboard. How I hated disorder myself. I sat down again and looked at the table again to see if anything wanted to make use of the law of gravity. And then I saw the book. My book, no, Chris' book. That André gave me shortly after his death. “Martin and Chris, the perfect couple”
I took it and held it close to my chest. On the way to Chris' room, I didn't think about anything. Sometimes I still smelled his perfume in this room, although that can't be anymore. Everything is still there as he left it. And that was very hard for me. I entered this room only very rarely. I sat down on his desk chair and opened the book.
“Martin, this is a gift for you! I bet you're wondering why I'm giving you something, aren't you? Because I love you. Martin, I can't tell you enough how much I love you, and that's why I tried to express my feelings for you in poetry...”
I stopped reading. It hurt... a lot. I looked back at the book with wet eyes.
“Enjoy reading. Your Chris.”
I turned the page and quickly scanned the poems. His handwriting was, as they say, that of a typical boy. Difficult to decipher, but I didn't care much about that.
The door moved.
“Martin?“ I heard a soft voice.
I wiped the tears from my cheeks and closed the book.
“Can I come in?”
The door opened further.
“Sure, André, come in!” I said with a trembling voice.
André looked at me and then at the book lying on my lap. André sat down on the yellow couch, where there were still CDs lying that Chris had put there. He took my hand.
Silence fell.
“I think of him often, too!“ André finally said in a quiet voice and squeezed my hand a little harder. I sensed that it affected him, too, every time he entered Chris's former room.
“Where is our eternity that he promised me?” I asked, my eyes unable to hold back the water. My stomach clenched.
“She's always around you. He's always with you and loves you forever. I know that.”
“Sometimes, before I fall asleep, I think he's standing next to my bed looking at me. But when I open my eyes, he's not there.”
André looked at the floor. “I often have that feeling too. But I don't open my eyes. I feel that he is there and taking care of me. He takes care of all of us. He is always with us.”
I held André tightly and started to cry.
“He won't want us to just live in the past!” André said after he left the room. ‘We live in the now and today!’ I caught another glimpse of him and thought I saw a tear in his eye as well. As playful as André was for his age, on the other hand, he was also very mature. I stayed in the room a little longer until I went to my bed and fell asleep.
“Yes, of course, Mrs. Schulze. Why not? I mean, then you have another task, don't you?”
“Yes, and I'm also glad that it worked out.”
I woke up. Sleepily, I staggered to my bedroom window to see who was out there in the early morning and already had so much to tell. The closer I got to the window, the louder I heard the sound of snow shovels, which left a loud scratching sound with every push. The sun was already shining brightly in the sky. Individual clouds embellished the sky with funny figures. I looked down at the street and saw Sandra talking to Mrs. Schulze. I tilted my window to hear what they were saying.
“Where did they come from?”
“From a small town near Berlin.”
“And why do they want to move here?”
“Oh, I haven't asked them that yet. You know, when you get older, you're happy to have at least someone else in the house. Being alone all the time isn't really that great, is it? It's always enough for me to hear footsteps from above. Besides, nobody knows what's buzzing through our streets at night, and it's not easy for an old lady either.”
“Yes, Mrs. Schulze, and now at Christmas time, you don't want to be alone after all.”
I closed the window again. Apparently Mrs. Schulze's children are coming down for Christmas after all. I'm happy for her. I turned away from the window and sat down on my couch. The table was still covered with all kinds of odds and ends, and I lit a cigarette. The smoke made its way to the ceiling, dissolving into nothing halfway up.
“Martin? You awake?“ I heard him call into my room.
“Well, if I wasn't awake before, I am now!” I said. “Come in, André!”
The door opened and he came in.
“Have you heard the news about Mrs. Schulze?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, her kids are coming down for Christmas, aren't they?”
“No, no, no.”
Why was he so excited? “Not? Who then?”
“We're getting new neighbors!” he said, wide-eyed.
“Oh. Well, then Mrs. Schulze is no longer so alone,” I said soberly.
“Aren't you curious to see who they are?” André looked at me with wide eyes, his question mark over his head was easy to see.
“No, you'll see. It's probably an older couple or something.”
“Nah, nah. I heard something about a family with two kids. I was just listening at the window. Sandra was talking to Mrs. Schulze.”
Another spy, I thought to myself and started grinning.
André went downstairs, apparently to squeeze Sandra for information. I jumped in the shower and finally went to the kitchen. This time I made myself cornflakes.
“Have you heard that we're getting new neighbors?” Sandra asked me as I poured the milk into my plate.
“Yes, for the third time!” I said, annoyed.
“They're arriving today. Later this evening. But I think they won't arrive until nighttime. I mean, with these roads... It's all full of snow. And then from Berlin to here. Then good night. I wouldn't feel like it.”
Yes, I could well imagine that, because when it came to Sandra's car, she usually saw red. In winter, the good piece was usually parked in the parking lot in front of the house. And if I only dared to ask if I could have it, then I could hear something. She had gotten that from her mother, because if I wanted to watch TV at my grandma's, it couldn't be for too long, because the TV could get hot and explode...
“They're here!!! Look...!“ André shouted, standing in the hallway.
“André, don't shout so loudly, they might hear you,” Sandra said, but she also ran into the hallway to see who the neighbors were. I, on the other hand, remained calm, ate my flakes and enjoyed the silence that fell because both of them were standing in front of the window. Behind the curtain, of course.
“I'm just wondering why they're here so early,“ Sandra asked, still sniffing behind the curtain.
“They probably left yesterday so that they would arrive this morning,” André replied, now daring to push the curtain aside a little, but Sandra quickly tapped him on the fingers and pulled the white cloth back. “If someone sees us...”
I put the plate in the dishwasher and finally sat down at my PC to copy a few songs onto it. It wasn't long before I heard a few steps coming towards my door. There was a knock.
“Yeah!” I said, bored.
“It's only me,” Sandra said, coming in. ‘It's about time to clean up, isn't it?’ she said after a penetrating look that wandered through my entire room.
I looked at her annoyed and she didn't go into the subject in more detail.
“I wanted to ask you if you could quickly run to the pharmacy. I need a couple of aspirin. I have a hell of a headache today. Must be the weather.”
I didn't even have the slightest desire to go to the pharmacy right now, but if I said no, she would start with the typical “So that's the thanks I get for doing your laundry and running the household” and the worst part for me was that she was right.
“I'll be done with the music in a minute, then I'll go, OK?”
“All right. I'll leave the money on the kitchen table.” She said and left.
It took a while before Scooter's tramp was on my hard drive. Meanwhile, I lit a cigarette and laced up my Bufallos. The song was finished and so was Martin. I went down to the dressing room and put on my jacket, took the money from the kitchen table and set off.
I had barely opened the door when I felt the cold wind passing by. It smelled like winter. Right in front of me, I saw Mrs. Schulze's house. A furniture truck was standing in front of it. It somehow took up the whole street, because there was no space to drive to the side, because there were all the snowdrifts. Many workers were carrying pieces of furniture and boxes upstairs. I couldn't tell whether the red cheeks on the workers were from the cold or from the work. I stood there for a while, hoping to see one of my new neighbors, but it was always just the workers who were bringing this and that into the house. Dressed all in blue, they carried boxes and carried cabinets into Frau Schulze's house. A Combi suddenly stopped next to me. I looked over. It was Frank. Thank God the way to the garage had been cleared, otherwise he would have been annoyed that there were two healthy children in the household who were on vacation and had done nothing... He got out...
“Hey Martin, I'm surprised to see you again.”
“Well, when you're on vacation, you tend to sleep a little longer than usual. Didn't you have the night shift too?”
“Yeah, you're right. Then I must have slept when you were awake,” he said jokingly. ”Where are you going in this cold?”
“I'm going to get aspirin for your partner.”
“It's pretty stupid when you're as sensitive to the weather as your mother, isn't it? Why doesn't André do it?”
I thought about it. It's true, actually. Why doesn't André do it? But now I didn't care. Now that I was out, I might as well go myself. Besides, I liked the snow anyway, only the cold made me flinch a little.
“Oh well, it doesn't matter. I can walk myself,” I said indifferently. ‘Besides, André is probably busy watching the new neighbors unpack! He's been sitting behind the window the whole time,’ I added quietly.
Frank laughed. ”Let's see what he's up to. I'm going inside first to check everything's okay, and I'm freezing anyway. Hopefully it won't freeze during the night.”
He unlocked the door and let it fall shut behind him. I briefly considered lighting up a cigarette, but I preferred to keep my hands in my pockets. I slowly began my little trek to the pharmacy, passing all the people shoveling snow to clear their driveways or yards. It didn't take long to realize that the sidewalks were a bit slippery here and there, but I managed to avoid slipping on the Seifert family's fence, and I was able to grab hold of it just in time. However, I almost caught my finger in the spur, but I managed to pull it out quickly.
When I arrived at the pharmacy, I got the aspirin for my mom and started my way back. I turned around briefly and thought about going to the supermarket, which was just a short distance away from the pharmacy, to get a pack of cigarettes, but I ultimately decided on the cigarette vending machine on the way home.
Finally, I was overcome by lung longing and I lit a fag. What you don't endure just to smoke one, I thought to myself and looked at my hand. Red with cold and after a while I couldn't even feel my fingers anymore.
I stopped at the cigarette machine and rummaged through my jacket pockets for six marks. I put a fiver and a mark in the machine, pressed Lucky, took the pack, took a step straight ahead and then it happened. Lying on the floor, I looked up at the sky.
“Hey, careful. It's pretty slippery outside. Can I help you? Take my hand!”
As if in a total blackout, I could now only think of Emily's party, where I met Chris. The current situation seemed so familiar to me, only this time it wasn't Denise Fuß, but the slipperiness on the streets that made me fall.
“Come on, otherwise you'll catch your death down there on the cold ice!”
I took the hand and gasped.
“Well, that's much better, otherwise you would have got a wet ass!”
Only now did I realize who was pulling me out of the embarrassing situation. It was a boy, a handsome boy, about 23 years old. Now, of course, the situation was even more embarrassing for me. The only strange thing was that I didn't know him, because here everyone actually knew everyone, at least by sight.
“Does that happen to you often?“ the boy grinned at me.
“No, not really. I was lost in thought,” I tried to get out of it.
“Then next time you'd better keep your mind on what you're doing! Can't be that hard for a smoker to get cigarettes out of a vending machine, can it?” he said with a grin, continuing in the direction of the grocery store without waiting for an answer. I watched him go and finally continued on as well.
When I arrived home, I put the aspirin on the coffee table for my mom.
“And what's it like outside? Did you meet anyone?“ I heard Sandra ask from the kitchen.
“It's pretty cold outside... and slippery,” I said, laughing.
The kitchen door opened and Sandra leaned against the doorframe. She was holding a dough scraper...
“Why are you laughing like that? Did you fall down or what?” she asked.
“Yes, by the cigarette machine. Well, it was also slippery there,“ I said, while I took off my jacket, which I hung on the coat rack.
“Then I'm warned. I want to see Mrs. Öhne later,” she replied, while she leaned her foot against the door so that it wouldn't close.
“Once again for coffee gossip or what?”
“Of course. Let's see what's new in the area.”
“You can't rely on what's being said anyway. Remember Andrea Henniges? She broke her leg and you told me that she was fighting for her life. But what are you doing with that dough scraper anyway?”
“Well Martin, what do you do with it?“ Sandra looked at me as if I knew nothing about anything. She swung the dough scraper in her hand from left to right.
“Yes, I see. Scrape dough,” I defended myself against her gaze.
“I'm making cheesecake for later. After all, I have to bring something to the coffee,“ she said, ending our conversation by going back to the kitchen and finally shutting the door behind her, when André came stumbling towards me from the stairs.
“Well, were you out and about?” he asked with a fake laugh.
“Yes I was. If you're too lazy...”
“Wait a minute. Nobody asked me. Besides, I already took out the trash yesterday! And what are you digging around in your jacket pocket for?”
He always had to notice everything. I'm desperately searching in the pockets of my brown neoprene jacket for my Luckys...
“I'm just looking for my cigarettes that I just bought and then I'll disappear in my room to play a round of Monopoly with me?”
I don't know why I came up with that, but I felt like playing something with André again. I always thought it was too funny when he lost. He always got so upset and then he usually crashed the whole game into some corner...
“We can do that.”
“Shit!”
“What?”
I kept digging through my pockets, but there were no cigarettes to be found.
“I must have lost my cigs. Probably when I slipped.”
“What are you?“ André asked, laughing. I think he wanted to make fun of me now, but I didn't have time for that. I put my jacket back on and ran out the door.
“They're gone anyway!” I heard André call as I made my way to the vending machine. I walked down our street quickly but carefully.
“Hey?”
I hoped that they were still lying there, but I was already getting used to the idea of buying new ones.
“Hello! Hey! Wait a minute?”
I looked behind me and blushed. It was the guy who helped me get up earlier.
I looked at him questioningly.
“Well, finally! Were you lost in thought again?” he grinned.
“Yes, I want to go to the vending machine. I have...”
“Lost the cigarettes?“ he interrupted me, taking a pack of Luckys out of his pocket.
“Exactly...” I said in amazement.
“Here you go,” he said, pressing the pack into my hands.
“I turned around to see if you were on the ground again, and that's when I saw them. But you were already too far away, so I didn't want to yell after you.”
“That's really sweet... Thanks.”
He smiled at me. “Am I right in assuming that you're quite a dreamer?” He grinned and raised his right eyebrow.
“Well, not really, but sometimes you just have things you can't handle. Say, I've never seen you here before. Are you visiting for Christmas or what?” I finally asked him.
“Well, you couldn't say it like that. I've recently started living at Brannteweg 3.” I was quite amazed when I heard that, because after all, I lived at Brannteweg 4.
“Then you live above Frau Schulze, don't you?”
“Yes, if that's the landlady's name? An older lady with frizzy gray hair. But she seems quite nice.”
“With glasses on her nose that seem much too big for her?”
“Yes exactly!”
“That's right, that's Mrs. Schulze. So you're one of our new neighbors.”
He was quite amazed when I told him that.
“Great coincidence,” he said, and gave me his hand again. It was nice and warm because he had it in his pocket the whole time. ”My name is Jessy!”
“Martin,” I finally said. ”Where did you come from, anyway? You don't know your way around here, do you?”
“No, but my mother has already talked to several people and she found out that there is a Rewe supermarket nearby. She sent me to buy some things. Besides, I want to fill my fridge a bit too.”
“Don't you have one for everyone?” I asked, puzzled.
Jessy grinned. ‘Of course, but I live at the top, have my own apartment and my own fridge.”
“Oh,’ I said, laughing, only now noticing what beautiful blue eyes he had. ”Do you want to go home now, too? Then we can walk together.”
“Sure, we can do that.”
And then we set off. I felt very comfortable in his presence. There was something about him that I really liked. I don't know if it was his looks, his way of talking, or just his manner of presenting himself, or just a new friend, but I felt there was something about him that impressed me.
“Why did you move, anyway?”
“My dad has a new job here. Besides, he's always hated big cities. The great thing is that I already have a place here where I can continue my training.”
“What kind of training do you do?” I asked eagerly.
“Car mechanic. And what do you do?”
“I'm still going to school. I'm doing my A-levels in April.”
“So, here we are,” he said. ‘Would you like to come in with us?”
I looked at him in wonder. ’No, I don't think so. You guys probably have a lot of stress right now because of setting up and all. But another time would be nice.”
I looked at the workers, who were losing one bead of sweat after another. I was surprised that they didn't freeze into ice in this freezing cold. I really didn't need to walk around in it.
Jessy didn't change his expression.
“But if you feel like it, come to my place.”
“The house right across the street, right?” Jessy looked at it carefully and grinned. ”It's okay, I'll just quickly take the bags inside. I'll be right back.”
And he was. It didn't take long for him to be standing in front of me again. And how he stood there. Somehow very cute and sweet. I hadn't liked a boy that much in a long time. Somehow everything was right. Even his nose matched his face. He always angled his mouth to reflect his mood, I had noticed that by now.
We went to my home and when I unlocked the door, I noticed the strange smell of cheesecake. I stopped dead in my tracks. The thoughts in my head were racing. Cheesecake, car mechanic, kissing the ground. Was all this really a coincidence?
“Hey, do we want to stand here between the door and the hinge or have you changed your mind after all? ... Martin?”
“Yes, I mean no. No, I was just...”
“In thought!” Jessy interrupted me. ‘It's pretty easy to get to know you,’ he said jokingly. I just grinned at him and hoped that he didn't think I was crazy or unworldly or something. We went up the two flights of stairs to my room.
“Nice house!“ said Jessy, looking around at everything.
“You think so?”
“Yes, of course! It's all very tasteful.”
We went into my room.
“There you are at last. Where have you been?” André looked a bit taken aback when he saw Jessy standing in the doorway just behind me.
“I wasn't gone that long,“ I said. ‘On the way, I met Jessy. He's our new neighbor.”
Jessy grinned and shook hands with André.
“You already know my name...’ said my new handsome.
“André's my name!” he stuttered more or less to himself, rubbing one hand against the other.
“One of those skaters or am I wrong?”
“No, you're right,“ André replied shyly, not taking his eyes off the floor.
“Have a seat,” I finally said, pointing with my hand at the sofa and armchair. Jessy chose the armchair. He sat down and let one arm casually hang from the armrest.
“And you two get along?“ Jessy asked, probably to fill the brief silence.
“Yes, why not?” I asked and went to the display case, which was right next to the door on the right, to organize a few glasses. “Would you like something to drink too?”
“Yes, please. I'm just saying, because skaters and ravers don't necessarily get along.”
I looked at myself and I looked at André. Could you really generalize it like that? I wasn't quite sure if we could stand each other if Chris were still there, because I had the feeling that his death had brought us together.
“No, no. We get along fine. OK, there are one or two tussles, of course, but on the whole I can't complain about him.” Jessy nodded. “He could just let me sleep longer during the holidays,” I added jokingly and looked sternly at André.
Jessy laughed and lit a cigarette. “Oh, sorry, forgot to ask if you can smoke here!”
“It's okay. The ashtray is not here for fun,“ I said teasingly.
“What about Monopoly?” André asked. I was surprised that he spoke up now. Normally, the situation of a strange boy being in my room was a little creepy for him, but apparently he seemed to like him.
“We can do that tomorrow,” I said.
“Were you going to play Monopoly?” Jassy asked. ”I'd like that too.”
I was visibly surprised, but then my cell phone rang.
“Yes?”
“Hi, it's me, Nicki!”
“Hi! What's up?”
“We've decided to organize a small party at short notice. Do you want to join us?”
I looked over at Jessy and André, who had meanwhile set up the game and were having a great time. “I don't know...”
“Come on. The party is at Emily's in the party room. I've already told Didi and Basti,” Nicki interrupted me.
“Yes, but I just have guests and...”
“Nonsense! Just bring them along. The more of us, the more fun!” Male or female?”
“Who?”
“Well, the guest!”
Instinctively, I looked over at Jessy, as if I had to check whether he was male or female. He was busy dividing the money with André and set three playing pieces to GO.
“Male!”
“Well, all the better. Is he good-looking?”
“Nicki! Hands off!”
“Ahhh, I see... your new flame?”
“No!” I said defiantly, ‘But he's our new neighbor and...”
“Are you talking about me?’ I suddenly heard Jessy interject.
I looked at him, startled. I noticed how I blushed easily! Was I talking so loud?
“Yes! It's about a party! Tonight. Do you want to come?”
Jessy laughed. “Parties are the best way to get to know each other, aren't they?” he said. I wasn't sure if it was a wink or if I imagined that he had winked at me.
“Nicki? Pick us up at 8 p.m. There are three of us,” I said and hung up.
I sat back down on the couch and saw that the game was set up.
“Well, I guess we won't be playing after all!“ André said, more or less jokingly.
“Then we'll just move it to tomorrow. Jessy's not out of the picture.”
“That's right. I'll be right next door,” he grinned. “Who was this Nicki?”
“A good friend of mine. I met her at her own party, to which my then best friend Steffi took me,” I replied, remembering the party at the same time. It was a Halloween party. Some were in costumes, others were just there. Boy, was I drunk then... ”It turned out later that she was a friend of my aunt Heike. We went to discos and stuff together. She's quite nice... super nice actually. I like being with her.”
Jessy grinned. “What do you wear to a party like that?” he asked.
“Most of them are ravers. Bell-bottom or rave trousers, tighter T-shirts and a Cordon or Freeman T-Porter jacket made of neoprene. Buffalos or something... A vest wouldn't be bad either...” I talked and talked, although I didn't even notice how confused Jessy looked at me.
“Can you write it down for me?” He asked jokingly. ”I'll see what I can do!”
“Oh, it doesn't matter. Just come as you feel most comfortable.”
“Then I'll go over there. I wanted to take a shower and then I'll come back here, okay?”
“Yes, that's fine! Oh, and if you have it, bring a bottle of booze!”
Jessy put on his jacket and I accompanied him to the door.
“A bottle of booze?” he asked.
“Yeah, well, a bottle of champagne or wine or fig or something...”
Jessy had to laugh. ”It's okay, kid. I'll ring the bell then. Bye!”
And the door closed.
Somehow this winter seemed a bit strange to me. I lit a cigarette and went into the living room. Frank was sitting asleep in his armchair, as he always called it, next to him a bottle of beer and the TV was on. I decided not to wake him up and went into André's room.
“What do you want here?“ I was hit over the head when I closed his room door behind me.
“What does that mean?” I asked, lighting up. “Where's your ashtray?”
“It's under the English book.”
I took the book away and stuffed it on his shelf, which he had actually had specially added for school things. Well, he used it for the first few weeks. Now there was some strange head made of glass or something on it, with huge headphones on it, next to it a lava lamp in blue. I always wanted it, but he didn't give it to me.
“He's quite nice, isn't he?“ André reached for my Lucky box and took one out. I gave him a light.
“Yes he is,” I said, looking at the Wu-Tang poster hanging over Anré's bed.
“He's really good-looking, isn't he?” I had reached the point where I no longer thought of him as André. He had never said that a boy looked good-looking before. He thought it was gay for a boy to think the other one looked good. I didn't particularly like the way he said it, but we never argued about it. He knew I was gay and treated me normally. OK, every now and then, when there was really one of those super guys on TV, he would always look at me with this teasing grin. But I always hit him in the face with the nearest object I could find. Once I felt very sorry for him when the remote control was lying next to me. That must have been quite the onion.
“Of course he's good-looking. Remember that you still have to get ready, or don't you want to shower anymore?” I didn't want to talk about Jessy anymore. First I had to think about how to proceed with him, besides, who said I had a chance with him anyway?
“Nah, I'm not going to shower. I already did today.”
I remembered the party last year. When Didi picked me up and wore her gothic outfit, how she disappeared with that one guy and Denise's foot. Oh, no. The foot. How grateful I was to him. It may sound strange now, but if it hadn't been for him...
“What are you wearing today?” André interrupted my train of thought. Maybe even right, because otherwise I would probably get melancholy again.
“I think my aluminum foil pants and the smog sweater over them, you know, the one with the star on the front. And I'll take my black vest with me just in case Jessy's wearing an ugly T-shirt. Yes, and my Freeman T-Porter jacket.”
“And the hair?”
I looked puzzled. “André, this is a normal internal party and not a beauty contest.”
“Parties are the best way to get to know each other!”
I looked at him. ”But that's what Jessy said earlier!”
“...and winked at you!”
So he did. I thought I had imagined it. Why would he wink at me just like that? If I had a chance with him, would I even want to take it? I wasn't quite sure about that yet. Chris was still on my mind.
“André?”
“What?” He stubbed out his cigarette.
“I can't get Chris out of my head.”
André turned to me. “Martin. Who says that you have to forget him when you enter into a new relationship? Who says that you must never think of him again and who gives you the right to forbid you to forget the good times you had together? Nobody! Not even Jessy would do that, no one can demand that. But you have to accept that he's dead.” André began to tremble as he spoke. “He won't come back, no matter how much we wish he would. Understand that. Death is terrible for everyone, but it gives us the chance for a new beginning. An end is always a new beginning. You can't shut yourself off forever and protect yourself from new relationships! Grab love when it smiles at you, otherwise it will be too late. Chris would never have wanted you to forget the hours you spent together, but he wouldn't have wanted you to plunge into endless unhappiness either. Who knows? Maybe he sent you Jessy? We don't know what happens after death, we don't know where those we love go, we only know that now our lives go on. I think, no, I know that you will never forget Chris, but move on with your life!”
I was flabbergasted. It was hard to hear, but what André said was true, but at that moment I just wanted to cry. I should thank André, but I just held him very tightly. He held me tight. I realized that there was someone I could trust completely, and I felt that for the first time in ages. I had friends here and there, but I never found as much trust in anyone as I did in my little brother, who was perhaps more mature than me. Tears rolled down my eyes. I heard André sobbing. It seemed as if he hadn't just said it for me; I think it helped him, too. He had had these sentences in his head the whole time, but now that he had said them, he understood their meaning, just like me.
“Thank you, André!”
He looked at me with reddened eyes. “Now go take a shower!”
I let him go, even though I didn't like to, packed up my things and went to shower. The warm water flowed over my face and over my entire body. I couldn't get André's words out of my head. Again and again I repeated the words ‘He's right’ in my head, undecided about anything.
There was a knock on the bathroom door. “Martin, hurry up. Nicki is already here and Jessy too. We're in your room!”
Was it that late already? How long had I been in the shower?
“It's okay, I'll hurry.”
The mirror was all steamed up, I wiped it dry with the towel, but after a few seconds it looked the same as before. I put on my pants and wrapped myself in my T-shirt. The sweater was in my room. I unlocked the bathroom door and walked down the hall to my realm. Already on the relatively wide hallway, I heard a single laughter and chatter. I opened the door and was struck by lightning when Nicki immediately wrapped herself around my neck.
“Hi sweetie! How are you?”
I looked at her in surprise. Black ATO raver trousers, a white top and a black vest over it. She held her long wavy hair on her head with small colorful clips.
“Pretty good. You look great!”
“Thanks... but so do you.”
I grinned. “Of course and how. My hair not done yet and everything... I'll go to the mirror first.”
“But do the paint now!” André shouted after me, who I noticed was talking to Jessy.
A bit of hairspray here and hair lacquer there and the comb in the right place and I was ready. I searched desperately for my special hairspray that glows in black light, but I couldn't find it anywhere. However, when I went to get my fags from André's room, I saw it under one of his T-shirts.
When I arrived in my room, everyone was already ready to go.
“Are we going now?“ asked Nicki, who was so eager to party that she could hardly contain herself.
“Are you going back?” I asked her.
“No, we're sleeping at Emely's!”
I looked at Jessy. Was he okay with that? He nodded at me as if he had understood my thought and I grinned.
We got into Nicki's Renault, okay, it was a bit cramped because the car was so small, but I couldn't sit close enough to Jessy. That's why I sincerely rejected my claim to be allowed to sit in the front. What annoyed us all a bit was that Nicki's car didn't have a radio. Of course it had to break when I threw a cassette in too hard, but we could count on Nicki.
“Ramal lam...“, she held her right hand to her ear, demanding.
“Ding dong!” we sang, and even Jessy joined in. I have to say that if I had been in his situation, I probably wouldn't have been able to get a word out. You see, I'm pretty shy when I don't know someone, but he was different.
After 'Rama lama ding dong', Nicki started singing other songs that we all knew well, with one or two Jessy took a break, because they were probably not as strong in Berlin as he tried to talk his way out of it.
The ride didn't take too long. It seemed like a few seconds and we were already there. I wasn't sure if I was already losing track of time next to Jessy or if it was Nicki's fault, who was heating us up so much with her catchy tunes.
“Hey, there you are at last!” Emely jumped up to us, looking at Jessy in amazement.
“Hi, you're Emely? I'm Jessy!“ He said and shook her hand. I was amazed at his self-confidence.
“Hi, yes I'm Emely. But who are you with?”
“I'm a buddy of Martin's.” He smiled at me and I smiled back. “I'm his new neighbor.”
Now Emely's thirst for knowledge was quenched and she accompanied us to her basement party. It was supposed to be just a small private party, I had heard, but what was going on here was really amazing. So many people. OK, I knew most of them, but there were new faces every time. I had to laugh terribly when I saw Denise. Why? No idea! Or was it done on the grounds that she was just Denise?
We sat down at a free table. Emely jumped around here and there and got drinks and glasses.
“I like it here,” said Jessy.
“I'm glad. It's always quite fun here when there's a party.”
“Say, do you know the blonde over there?”
“Yes, why? That's Sabine, my ex!”
He looked at me in puzzlement...
“She looks awesome!”
I looked at him like a car, only not as fast, but a lot more shocked...
“Can you introduce me?”
I briefly considered dissing her in front of him, but what right did I have to do that? In all the anger I felt in my stomach at the moment, it was hard to admit to myself that she was actually quite nice. But at that moment she was a slut to me, the biggest of all sluts walking around here.
“Hey Sabine!”
She looked over at me and came running.
“Martin! Hi! I've been waiting for you. I thought you weren't coming or someone forgot to tell you...”
She took me in her arms so tightly that I was almost crushed. Her exaggeratedly polite manner got on my nerves so much that I would have liked to smash my glass against her fat head, but I controlled myself... the good sparkling wine...
“No, no. Nicki told me. May I introduce you to someone? This is Jessy, my new neighbor.”
Sabine looked at Jessy as if he were already naked in front of her. And I hated that look! She had looked at me the same way when we first met. As far as sex was concerned, she was even worse than Didi.
“Sabine. Nice to meet you. Do you want to go for a drink?”
“Sure!”
And then Jessy disappeared with her. He could have saved the super smile that he gave me. I couldn't quite believe that he just left me sitting here.
I got up and went over to Nicki. I hadn't even noticed that Nine and Co were already there.
I had met Nine about three months ago at the disco through Nicki and we got on well right from the start. It even got so out of hand that she spent a whole month at my place because we got on so well. I had never got to know a person so well in such a short time and we also had a lot in common.
“Hey Nine!”
She looked at me and hugged me so hard that I almost couldn't breathe, which reminded me of Sabine again.
“Martin, how are you?”
Of course I didn't want to spoil her mood because of Jessy, so I said that I was doing great, which was not at all true.
“Yeah, faith might be going great for you. What's up with you?”
And I realized again how well she knew me. She must have a sense of how I was doing.
“Hey Nine, not today, not now, and not here, okay? I want to have fun today. Where's the alcohol?”
Nine looked at me quizzically. But she knew I wouldn't overdo it with the good stuff! She handed me a Desperados and clinked glasses with me.
“Enjoy!”
“You too!” I grinned at her.
We put the bottle to our mouths and took a big gulp.
“Oh, so that's Eva!” said Nine.
Why did she always have to introduce people to me without warning... I was trying to get the lemon bitterly into the bottle and wondered who had cut the slices so thickly when a hand came towards me, into which I put the lemon because it was too much trouble for me to pop it in there. I finally took another sip and when I looked up, I saw two eyes looking at me in horror and next to them a laughing Nine. Oh God, that was embarrassing. Of course, I took the slice back immediately and shook hands with Eve.
“Martin, nice to meet you!”
“Hello, I'm Eve, right?”
“Yeah, maybe!” I replied.
We were both a little embarrassed, although in retrospect I actually found it really funny.
We looked at each other briefly and then both started to laugh.
“Hey, come with me! We'll go see who else is here,” she said to me, took my hand and pulled me along.
I looked through the crowd and saw many people waving and greeting me.
“Hey Martin, I have to introduce you to someone. This is my friend Christian!”
I looked at him and he looked at me.
“Hi, Christian!” he said with a light handshake.
“Martin!”
He seemed to be one of the shy types, because he didn't really know what to say, so he just stared at me and I at him.
Cute, I thought to myself and once again forgiven. How could it be otherwise? Blonde hair, sticking out to the side a bit, a little shorter than me and yet already so grown up. As I found out later, he was 17 and doing an apprenticeship as a cook in a village not far from me.
We were already standing at Nine again when I suddenly had to think of Chris again. I put my cigarettes, which were lying on the counter next to me, in my pocket and went outside, where I sat down on the bench where I had sat a year and a half ago, feeling very disappointed. My pants were soaked through with cold snow and it got a little wet at the crotch, but that didn't bother me at all in my current state. I looked up at the stars. It would be stupid to say that they have the same constellation today as they did back then, but for me it was.
I looked back again:
“Didi, please leave me alone!”
“How many names do you want to give me?”
I closed my eyes, turned around and smiled.
I took Chris in my arms and kissed him.
I opened my eyes, but there was no one to be seen.
I needed a cigarette now. The smoke evaporated into the air, and I just needed some time to myself – just me. I wasn't sad, which surprised even me, no, I was happy because I was thinking of Chris and thus also of André and the words he had said to me today.
“Was it here?” I suddenly heard a voice say.
I turned around again.
“André? What are you doing here?”
“A bit of fresh air! Was it here?” He asked me again and put both his hands on my shoulders.
“Yes, it was here, right here. Our first kiss. It's strange, but I can still feel a little bit of the longing I felt when I stood here with him – the longing for him and his lips.”
“I told you he was with us!” and he now leaned his arms on my shoulders. Neither of us said a word, just watched the snow fall.
“Mind your hair, Martin!”
I grinned. André put his arm around me and we went back inside. One last look at the bench, a short sigh and we were standing in front of the counter.
Not far away, Jessy and Sabine were standing in front of each other, hand in hand, grinning at each other and whispering something. I didn't care. There are so many mothers with handsome boys... when my eyes fell on Christian, Eva's boyfriend, who was also looking at me and grinning. I grinned back and turned to Nine.
“So, are you okay?”
“Yes, I'm fine, very well!”
It was really so and Nine made no attempt this time to explain the opposite to me.
“Say, can it be that Christian is a bit bisexual or something?” I asked her.
“No, nonsense. He's been together with Evchen for 5 months now. If there's anyone who isn't, it's Christian.”
Suddenly Didi came up to me and wiped the sweat from her brow.
“Well, firstly, it's pretty warm in here and secondly, the music is great and you just have to dance to it.”
I gave her a can of coke.
“Thanks, darling!”
She turned to the side and looked through the crowd, tapping her foot to the beat of the music. When she saw Basti, she blew him a kiss and got one back. The two of them, sought and found.
Nine tapped me on the shoulder. I saw her and Christian and Eva next to her.
“I'm driving the two of them home now, do you think I can crash at your place again tonight?”
“Of course you can, but I thought we wanted to sleep here?”
“I can also drive. I only had one Desperados. Oh, let's talk about it later, I have to drive the two of them home first and then I'll be back.”
“Yes OK.”
Eva hugged me at the end and Christian shook my hand.
It was funny, somehow I liked them both right away, even though I didn't know them at all. Well, there were only a few people I couldn't stand at all, but these two stayed in my mind.
A few conversations with Emely and Denise later, Nine came up to me again.
“Hey, gorgeous?” she grinned at me. Her smile covered her whole face.
“What are you grinning at? Did you pick up a granny's stick?”
Now she started to laugh out loud. If anyone had a beautiful laugh, it was Nine. I liked to hear her laugh because, like a little schoolgirl, she always covered her face with her hands. I couldn't help but laugh along with her.
“No, no, it's just... I don't know either!“ she said, waving her right hand in a circle because she couldn't think of the word.
“Against God's plan?” I asked her jokingly.
“No, it's wonderful... wonderful!” she said, giving me a peck on the cheek.
Emely and Denise looked over at Nine with a strange look, looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.
“And you want to tell me that you only had one desperado?” I asked teasingly.
“Yes, and I'm in a great mood.”
That was nice to hear, but the party was now coming to an end. It turned out that Nine took me, André and Jessy home with him. We said goodbye to Jessy, who immediately ran into his new realm, and finally went in too. André was drunk and exhausted, I took him to his room, took off his shoes, unbuttoned his jeans and covered him up. I don't think he noticed, because he had already fallen asleep in the car. Nine and I went to my room. We unfolded my couch, put a blanket on it and made ourselves comfortable with soft music, lighting up another cigarette.
“It was nice today,” she began to talk, turning to me.
“Yeah, it wasn't bad.”
“Why were you in such a bad mood earlier?”
“Oh, Nine. I just thought that something more would happen with Jessy. Instead...”
“Instead, he's going out with your ex. Great. Is he gay or something?”
I wrapped myself in my blanket and pulled it up to my neck.
“I don't know, but I think so. There are always signs from him that I seem to have misinterpreted, or let's put it this way, that I've interpreted according to my wishes.”
“What kind of signs are they?”
“Oh, it's enough when a guy I think is cute looks at me and grins. The wildest thoughts immediately form in my head.”
Nine started laughing.
“No!” I said, grinning. ”Not that kind of thought. Rather, that he thinks I'm great too and will talk to me or that we'll get together. Just like with Christian. He just grinned at me from behind and I thought all kinds of things. I guess it's the desire to want to enter into a new partnership again. I think I'm ready now, but I always imagine too much!”
Nine put her head on her hand.
“But what I said about Christian was true!”
“What was true?” I asked.
“I drove the two of them home, didn't I? He sat in front with me and Eva sat in back. We had loud music on and he asked me if we were together, you and I.”
“And what did you say?”
“I said that I wanted something from you, but that we were never together and aren't. Anyway, he then said that you looked horny!”
I had to take a deep breath and swallow.
“Is that true?”
“Of course, do you think I'd mess with you, Martin?”
“But you said he wasn't like that.”
“I would never have thought that in my life. Anyway, I then asked him if it could be that he is a bit bi.”
“And what did he say?” I asked quickly.
“Maybe... I think so!”
“He said that?”
“Yes, he said that. But I don't think you can get to him. He loves Eve much too much for that.”
“Not even a kiss?” I asked Nine with a puppy dog eyes.
“Oh, I don't know, and you'd better save your puppy dog eyes for him. I want to sleep now!”
She turned around, took another gulp of orange juice that was on my table, and fell asleep. She just left me standing there with all the thoughts I had at the moment, and somehow didn't dare to think about my thoughts. I didn't want to fool myself again. Not again imagining any situations that could happen, but there was nothing I could do about it, they were there. Finally, I managed to fall asleep after all...
“Man, wake up already, the sun is shining, it's a beautiful day!”
“Hmmm, leave me alone!”
“Now get up, Martin! You've slept enough!”
“Oh, it's way too early!”
“Are you crazy? It's a quarter to 12. Get up now!”
And then I only noticed the ceiling, no, I didn't notice it anymore because it was gone. It was clear that sometimes there were times when Nine got on my nerves.
“Hey, we can visit Christian today!”
“Who's... CHRISTIAN??? Yes, we can do that. Do you think he'll mind if I come with you?”
“Oh nonsense. He likes you!”
“He doesn't even know me.”
“But still. He told me that in the car, too.”
“That he doesn't know me?”
“Nonsense, that he likes you. Man, you still have the pillow on your face, now jump in the shower. If Christian sees you like this, he'll probably change his mind.”
That sentence was enough to banish any thoughts of sleep. I jumped up, took some fresh clothes out of the closet, and headed for the shower, because if there was one thing I didn't want, it was to stop pleasing Christian. And again I realized that all of this was just a series of fantasies that I was holding on to. Who knows if it would work out and I hardly think that you just throw away a five-month relationship. OK, five months isn't exactly long, but it's not necessarily short either – after all, it's almost half a year.
After showering, I fixed my hair and slipped into my shoes.
“I just got off the phone with Christian,” Nine said with a grin on her face.
“And?” I asked, tying my shoes.
“He would kiss you too!”
I looked up at her, dropped the laces, leaned my arms on my knees and looked at her questioningly.
“Well, you asked if at least a kiss would come of it. And I just asked him on the phone if he would do that.”
I looked at her, completely confused. I didn't know whether I should be angry with her or eternally grateful to her.
“Tell me!” I urged her.
“Well, I said that you would like to kiss him and he was really happy about it and said that he would like to do that too. Then I said that you talk about him all the time and he thought that was really sweet of you.”
“Nine, be glad that it turned out well, otherwise I would have killed you.”
She grinned and we drove off towards Christian. I didn't know how I should face him now. Should I just shake his hand in greeting or should I hug him? Should I be normal with him all the time, or should I talk to him as if we were in love? I decided to wait and see. Everything will turn out all right.
“We'll be there in a minute!”
Nine's sentence was unmistakable. Suddenly, all my plans were gone. How should I behave? What should I say? Man Martin, pull yourself together. He's a normal guy who also has a girlfriend and just wants to kiss you once. On the other hand, he's a normal, really cute guy who has a girlfriend but would cheat on her with me. On top of that, I'm the first boy he's had the thought of! I think I should give up the latter thoughts as quickly as possible.
“Don't you want to get out?”
Startled, I looked at Nine. She was standing in front of my car door, hands on her hips and her head slightly tilted.
“I'm ready, I'm almost out.”
Together we walked from the parking lot to the nearest building, which was a kind of restaurant and hotel at the same time.
“Do his parents have a hotel?”
“No, he's doing his apprenticeship as a chef here, together with a buddy. They share a room here.”
Nine knocked on the left of the two windows that were pointed directly at her car.
“I'm coming!”
I looked scared, I don't know if I blushed or not, but in any case, Nine stroked my shoulder.
To the left of the windows was a wooden door. She opened it and Christian came out.
“Hey, how did you get here?” he said, putting his arms around Janine. He shook my hand and invited us in. We crossed a small courtyard and went right into the next door. In the laundry room, we turned right again. It was a medium-sized room. On the right side, there were two beds one behind the other, taking up the entire length of the room. Straight ahead, a TV on a wooden TV stand, in front of it a Play Station. On the left side, a large wardrobe, next to it a smaller cupboard and next to that a white table that filled the space between the small cupboard and the TV stand. Next to it, an armchair that was more than a bit worn.
“Sit down,” Christian told us. Nine, who was not here for the first time, sat up, as I learned later, on his bed and I sat next to him. Christian pushed the armchair a little way and sat down in front of us. He reached for his cigarettes, which were on a small bedside cabinet right next to his bed. I also took mine out and lit one. At least that way we had something to do and didn't just sit there like idiots.
I realized that the situation was a bit unpredictable for Christian, too; his hands were shaking a bit. And there was no question of being cold at that moment.
Nine started the conversation with “And how are you?” I kept looking at Christian and listening to his words. I liked him more and more. He had such a great way of talking and his gestures also had an extremely positive effect on me. Every now and then he made such cute gestures with his face; when he couldn't believe something, he raised his eyebrows and always looked so shocked when he thought, then always looking up. I realized more and more what a great attitude he had. Even if I didn't say it, I always agreed with him. But you still can't say that he's like me. No, actually he's not like me at all. He's always calm and I'm usually always so - yes, restless. Still, it was fun sitting here with him and talking to him and Nine about a thousand things. It happened that he looked at me and grinned, but it didn't come to the longed-for kiss.
It was quite late when Nine and I came home to me. We went straight up to my room, where André and Sandra were sitting, smoking and watching a video. I was amazed when I saw that, because it rarely happened.
“Well, where did we come from?” Sandra asked, having made herself comfortable on my bed.
“Well, what are you two doing here?“ I asked teasingly.
André had made himself comfortable on my couch, but he moved over a bit when Nine sat down next to him after she had shaken Sandra's hand.
“We're watching a video. Something about death having a new plan for people...” she paused briefly. “Oh, don't ask me what it's about, I don't quite follow it. André wanted to watch it.” I sat down on the bed with Sandra and looked at the TV. When I saw Devon Sawa, I knew right away that it was ‘Final Destination’ that they were watching, because that was the only movie he was in that I owned.
I tried to explain this movie to my mother for quite some time. It wasn't exactly scary or brutal or anything like that, no, I found it so “bad” because it has this reality idea that also deals with death.
“Why aren't you watching in the living room?” I asked, after I gave up trying to explain the movie to Sandra.
“Oh, Frank is watching soccer downstairs. Not very interesting!”
I decided not to pursue this question of why the two of them had to watch this movie in my room today of all days. Otherwise Sandra always crocheted when soccer was on or read her beloved Tina or Laura magazine, in which I always did the psycho tests and always hit the bull's eye in the evaluation.
Sandra sat down at the edge of my bed so that she could reach the table in front of my blue couch. She took her cigarettes off it and lit another one. I went to my window and tilted it open, because there was nothing worse than nicotine haze in the room. André always got so annoyed when I said that, since I smoke myself, but it just gets on my nerves. Actually, I was waiting for a stupid comment from him, but that didn't happen until I sat down on the bed again.
“Well, does the nicotine bother you again?” He asked cynically.
“Yes, it bothers me! Because...”
And then an unstoppable discussion began, ranging from smoking to school (I especially hated this topic) to relationship issues. Actually, no one really noticed what was going on in the movie, because everyone was discussing violently. I found Nine the funniest, talking to André about the topic of “cheating in a relationship” and getting so worked up that she seemed to be underlining her sentences with her arms and legs like a wild woman. I hadn't laughed so heartily and sincerely in a long time as I did that evening.
The next morning, it was a Friday, Nine and I planned the evening. Well, what means planning, we decided just, like every Friday and Saturday, to go to our favorite disco. So it could probably not be called planning.
The day was less turbulent; I just had to hold back my laughter when André slammed the word “cheater” at Nine's head and she ran after him like a crazy woman while my cell phone rang.
“Yes?”
“Hi Klener, it's Nicki!” Boy, that woman had a voice. You could hear her without a phone and save costs. I grinned.
“Hi Nicki, what's up?”
“Yeah, disco tonight or what?”
“Yeah, of course, disco tonight.”
“Say, can you try to reach Nine somehow? She's not answering her cell phone.”
“Oh, no! She's at my place. I'm sure my cell phone is still in the car. But she's definitely coming with us.”
“Oh, she's with you? I didn't know that. OK, then that's settled. Should I pick you up?”
“Yes, that would be great. When will you be there?”
“Yes, I think I'll be there around 11.”
“So half past 11?” I asked teasingly.
“Why half past 11? At 11, boy!”
“Man Nicki, when you say you'll be here at 11, it's always half past 11 anyway!”
“Ha ha. Joke! You must have had a Caspar for breakfast! No, I'll be there at 11.”
“All right,” I said into the phone. ”Is Basti coming too?”
“Yes, he doesn't have to start work until 10 tomorrow. He's coming. OK, see you then, Klener.”
“Yau. Hau rin!”
“Yeah, yeah, back at you,” said Nicki, laughing, before hanging up.
I laughed too, looking at my cell phone and about to tell Nine when I realized she wasn't within reach. I could guess where I could find her. Probably at André's. I went downstairs and there she was, knocking wildly on André's room door.
“Let me in now, André! I'm not a cheater! You cowardly idiot, open the door,” I heard her scream. André continued to tease her until she finally came to her senses and went with me to the kitchen, where we made ourselves a pizza. Thank God André was no longer in her way.
“Oh, before I forget. Nicki called. She's taking us to a disco tonight!”
“Really? Great! When did she call?”
“While you were smashing Andrè's door down!“ I said, looking at her and raising my eyebrows.
“I was just defending myself!” I got as an answer, while she took another bite of the pepperoni pizza. “When are they here?”
I thought for a moment. “It'll be here at half past eleven!”
“So at noon?” Nine asked.
“No, no! I've already calculated.”
We looked at each other and started laughing.
The day was drawing to a close and at half past ten we started getting ready for the disco. An hour was usually enough for both of us. The worst question was always 'WHAT DO I WEAR?' Once that was settled, the big question for me was 'WHAT HAIRDO?' Nine usually wore her shoulder-length brown hair down or attached small barrettes in various shapes, such as flowers or butterflies, to the sides of her hair. I usually combed all my hair forward and tousled the bangs a little or left it straight. Or I let my hair stick out at the sides. I had given up on pulling up the sides a long time ago, because it always looked like you had a bird's nest on your head. I decided on the former, I thought it looked best on me too. OK, quarter to twelve! Last all-round check. I looked at Nine. Red Freeman-T-Porter trousers, white top and a red and white jacket over it. Good. Hair OK.
“Great!” I said, and she grinned. ”And me?”
She looked up from my shiny blue skirt trousers by Cordon to my black T-shirt with the flame on it, and up to my Freeman-T-Porter neoprene jacket.
“Everything's fine. But wait,“ she said, as she rummaged in her makeup case.
“Don't even think about wanting to put on my makeup. Powder or make-up is okay against pimples and such, but that's enough,” I said.
“Trust me,“ she said and came up with a small black pencil with a silver cap.
“So, open your eyes and look up.” OK, I did and was very curious about the result. I mean, if it looks like shit, you can still get rid of it.
She drew something under both of my eyes and almost painted around in my eye.
“Now take a look in the mirror,” she said, resting one hand on her hip and holding the pencil with the other, biting it a bit and looking at me expertly. I looked in the mirror and wasn't so averse.
“The kohl emphasizes your eyes more. It looks better and not everyone will necessarily notice it right away.”
I had to admit, it didn't look bad at all.
We had just lit a cigarette when the doorbell rang and Nicki was standing in front of the door. We had it at half past twelve sharp!
We went downstairs, hugged Nicki, greeted Basti and got into the car with a big grin on our faces.
“Yeah, I know, it's half past twelve!”
“What can I do if it takes longer?” said Nicki, accompanied by me and Nine. Because we already knew this saying more than well. Nicki started laughing. ”You're stupid.”
When we arrived at the disco, we were surprised to meet Emely, who was normally rarely seen here. We joined her.
“Who are you with?” I asked her, speaking very loudly to be heard over the music (Jan Wayne's ‘The Night’ was playing at the time).
“I'm here with Denise. One of her friends gave us a ride.”
A few cigarettes and conversations later, I decided to go for a walk. You saw the usual faces just like every weekend and again the Iron Virgins were there. We called them that because they are always here at 9 p.m. sharp and almost always stand in the same place until almost the end, unless they have to go to the bathroom. Strangely enough, they always wear the same clothes and always pull the same grumpy face. It was clear to me that they also knew me by sight, so I wondered what they might call me.
“HEY!”
Stiff with shock, I slowly turned around.
“Well, how are you?”
“Christian! Hi! Yes, I'm fine, and yourself?”
Christian was standing in front of me and Eva was standing next to him. She grinned at me and gave me a hug in greeting. Apparently the two of them had just been stressed, because they didn't talk to each other very often, let alone that Eva looked at Christian in a NICE way!
“Hey, are you coming with us and joining us? I want to introduce you to a few people!”
How could I possibly refuse the offer, especially since it came from Christian?
I followed them. They were standing at the entrance to the large platform on which the two cages were standing.
“Hey, that's Marco!”
“Hi!” I said, looking up a little, because despite my buffalo horns, I was still far from tall enough to look Marco in the eye.
“He's my roommate!“ Christian added.
“Oh, so you're the one?” I asked Marco.
“Yes, that's me, man! Have you been with us already?”
“Yes, with Janine. We were visiting Christian!”
“Oh, right, so you're Martin!”
So I'm Martin. I'd like to know what Christian has already told you about me. But before I could think about it for long, I was introduced to Charly (the brother of Eva, with whom Nine had been together, as I learned that evening), Maike, Thomas, Kathrin, Jessica and a few others. I was really happy to meet so many new people at once, but the funny thing was that I had never seen them here before, although it turned out that they were also there almost every Friday or Saturday.
“Hey Martin, come with me for a round?” Eva looked at me with a strange look. I was surprised that she, although she hardly knew me, wanted to go for a round with me right away.
We looked for a quiet place.
“Pretty full today, isn't it?” Eva began.
“Yes, it's usually emptier.”
“Yeah, I'm sick of it all here anyway right now.”
We looked at each other and leaned sideways against the wall in front of which we were standing, looking at each other. She released her braided hair, which was simply tied at the back, and shook her blonde hair. I'm not sure if it was the long blonde hair that did it, but it was only now that I noticed how cute she actually was. She had a really pretty face, okay, you can say that she's a couple of pounds overweight, but it suits her, if you can say that.
“It's all shit!“ she began to talk again after she had re-tied her braid.
“Hey Eve, I don't know you that well, but I thought you were a party person. What's up?” I asked her.
“Oh, don't get me started. Christian, he can go to hell.”
I looked puzzled. So there was stress after all!
“What's up with Christian?”
“Oh, I found out today that he's been messing around with someone else, and not for the first time either. I'm sick of it!”
Now I was standing there like a cow in front of the barn door. What should I say now? I didn't know the two of them well enough to make a statement, especially since Christian and I were somehow getting to know each other, kissing and such, and I really didn't want to miss out on that with him, in all honor to Eva.
“Something like that is hard, of course. But that wasn't more, was it?“ I tried to save myself.
“Oh, I don't know. All I know is that the two of them were making out. But that's enough, isn't it?”
“Yeah, kind of. I'd be mad too if my boyfriend...” Eva looked at me. “You mean girlfriend?”
I put my hand to my head. “Of course, girlfriend, would lick around with another.”
Eva looked at me. ‘You would never do something like that!”
I laughed. ’What makes you think that?”
“You have such faithful eyes. I noticed that as soon as we met. I don't think you could ever cheat on a girl. I'm sure you're a really nice guy.”
“You're very much mistaken. I had a girlfriend once, and I cheated on her seven times.” I thought back to Carmen, who I had almost forgotten. I was with her back then to distract from my, let's call it, ‘predilection.’ I haven't talked about her or thought about her in a long time, only now did she suddenly come to mind again. And I also realized that maybe I really had felt something like “love” for her back then.
“7 times???,” asked Eva, confused?
“Yes, but only because I didn't get more from her than that.”
Eva looked at me with wide eyes and re-tied her braid for the second time.
“No, that has nothing to do with sex now. It was the closeness and the feeling of being desired that she no longer gave me. I didn't sleep with the seven girls, I just licked them.”
“Oh. But that can't be the reason why Christian did that to me again. Just yesterday he came to me and I had candles all over the room and put on some cuddly music to surprise him, but what did he do?”
I shrugged.
“Yes, he turned on the light and put a Schranz CD on. I thought it was really great!”
“Really? Hey, I'd really like it if my girlfriend did that for me.”
“Yes, I thought he liked it too, but if he thinks...” Martin, let's go back to the others, okay?”
“No problem.”
She took my hand and we went back to the others. I saw that Nine was now standing with us too; after all, she knew them all. I went to her and lit a cigarette.
“You seem to be getting on well with Evchen, don't you?”
“Yes, I like her quite a lot. She has problems with Christian.”
“Yeah, I've already heard about licking and stuff. Hey, I gave Christian the car key for Nicki. I told him that he should talk to you if you both want to go somewhere for a bit. You know what I mean!”
Nine grinned and punched me lightly on the shoulder. I grinned and was damn glad that she didn't give me the key. I would definitely not have dared to make any move.
'Babadeng' by Re-flex? Hey, now I have to go on the pedestal too. I just entered the first step when someone called me. I turned around and saw a girl with long brown hair grinning at me. A very sweet grin, as I realized, because I love it when someone has dimples when they laugh. I went back down.
I briefly wondered what her name was, because she had already been introduced to me by Christian earlier.
“Jessica?”
“Right. So is it true that you want to get it on with Christian?”
Ohhh, shit! Actually, I didn't want them to know that at all? I couldn't imagine Nine gossiping about something like that, but what was the point of denying it if they found out anyway?
“Well, it wasn't just me, he wants it too!”
“Yes, yes I know. He told me. I think it's so sweet!” she said and stroked my shoulder.
“He told you?” I could only see that as a positive thing, because if he'd been embarrassed, he definitely wouldn't have told me right away. So he must have been proud of himself for fooling around with me.
“Evchen knows too!”
I looked at Jessica seriously, biting my lip.
“Don't worry. She's not mad at you. It's because you're a boy. She doesn't think it's so bad,” she said and went to Marco, Christian's roommate.
I looked around a bit confused until I came across Christian. He looked at me and grinned. I grinned back. He came to me.
“Everything okay?”
“Y...yes. Everything's fine.”
We stood next to each other without either of us saying a word. I suppose we were both thinking the same thing: Do we want to? But neither dared to ask. Nine came over.
“Come on, now. Get in the car and have fun!”
I was mortified. So was Christian, because he also pretended not to have heard.
I, for my part, went back to Emely, who was still standing where I had left her.
“Back again?”
“Yes, I met Christian and Eva. They introduced me to a few people.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes definitely! Really super nice people, OK, I've only known them since today, but...”
“Right!” Emely took her Water Joe from the table, tipped the cap up and took two gulps. ‘At the beginning they're all nice and then... well, then comes the big awakening,’ she said, put the Water Joe back on the table and danced on the spot.
I didn't feel like thinking about that, not today. I went back to Nine. Christian was still standing there when I came, grinning at me.
“How are you?”
“Fine, fine.”
I looked at him.
“Say, Nine is sleeping over at my place today. Don't you want to come to my place too?” it shot out of me like a pistol without thinking.
“Sure. Gladly! It'll be fun!”
And I hoped so, too. I asked Nicki if she could still take him. Of course it wasn't a problem, as she called it. I told Nine, who just gave me a wink. I couldn't wait to finally be at home with Christian.
The rest of the evening, or should I say night or morning, was still really cool. Party until the bitter end, always thinking about later, I even danced on the box. Christian was amazed when he saw that. It was like having a go-go dancer in his class who could teach certain dance techniques in biology class. Nicki came up to me and together we let our hair down. We are a well-rehearsed team when it comes to dancing.
Later, Nicki sent all her fellow passengers to the exit. When we were all together, we went home. Nine and Christian went to my place and she and her Basti went to his. We said goodbye to them and went inside.
“You live here?“ Christian asked in amazement.
“Yes, for a year and a half,” I said and remembered how I looked at this house when I was here with Sandra for the first time. I was also quite blown away. It's beautiful and makes quite an impression.
We went up the two flights of stairs to my room.
“So, this is my kingdom,“ I said to Christian. Nine sat down on the bed right away. It was nice of her to leave the couch for me and my little one.
“I like it,” he said.
“Why don't you sit down. Want a drink?”
He sat down on the couch. “Sure, that'd be great!”
I got a pack of orange juice and poured some for him, Nine and me.
“What are we going to do now?” I asked and lit up.
“Well, I don't do much anymore. I'll go to bed and won't get up until tomorrow...” She looked at the clock. ‘Sorry... later. But I'll have another smoke with you.’ Christian lit up a cigarette, too. I poured us both orange juice and opened my window on the cigarette end. Christian took off his shoes and sat cross-legged on the sofa. I sat down next to him.
“It was quite good today, wasn't it?“ Nine asked into the room and took a sip.
“I thought it was quite good too,” I said, leaning against the backrest.
“Yeah, it wasn't bad. But you didn't go dancing today, Nine,” said the little one.
“Oh, I didn't feel like it today. But the music was in a good mood...”
So we chatted for a while until Nine finally covered herself up, wished us a good morning and fell asleep. Christian and I folded out the couch, put a blanket on it and made ourselves comfortable.
“Do you want to watch a video?” I asked him. I thought it was very stupid that he couldn't be dissuaded from watching ‘Tough Guys’, because I knew that movie almost by heart. But okay. I put it on and crawled back under the covers with him. There we lay, neither saying a word. Occasionally we smoked a cigarette or took a drink. I knew that he wanted it and I also knew that he knew that I wanted it, but neither of us dared to do it. It probably sounds stupid that neither of us dared to do it, even though we knew we wanted to, but there is always this doubt that cannot be dispelled. On top of that, he had never kissed a boy before. If I just did it now, what would happen?
The movie was over and nothing happened. We watched the second movie, not to watch it, but to bridge the time until it finally happened. Finally, I started to pull myself together and wrote a text on his cell phone.
“Don't you dare?”
He took the phone and read the message. He kept a straight face and just wrote back.
“No, it's not that easy either!”
I could well believe that. I vaguely remembered what it was like to be on the verge of kissing a boy for the first time. It really isn't easy, even if you know he wants to. I guess it's still because it's still considered “abnormal”. But then you have to ask yourself, what's so bad about two people loving each other? OK, it wasn't love that bound us together, it was curiosity on his part and on my part... yes, what was it on my part? Was it love? Or was it good friendship or was it simply the desire that drove me to this act. I think it was clearly the feeling of being desired that he conveyed to me.
“I can understand that well. Are you afraid?” I finally wrote back.
“Yes, kind of. After all, I've never, you know.”
Our conversation via text message went on a bit longer. He asked me how you know if you like it and how it was for me. I realized that he was very curious and that he already knew he would like it. But he didn't want to admit it just because it's “abnormal.”
“Shall we?” he asked, of all people.
“OK, shall I start?”
“That'd be nice. You've already had experience. But don't be afraid of my reaction!”
“Why? Are you going to slap me?”
“No, I could never hurt you! Shall we go on?”
This sentence now gave me a feeling of security. Not that I really believed he would really slap me, but this sentence gave me courage.
“OK, then put the cell phone on the table.”
He put it on the table. I looked deep into his blue eyes. They were positively radiant with curiosity and desire. A little bit of fear could be seen in them, but that disappeared when I smiled at him and came closer and closer. I closed my eyes, our lips touched. Very sensually, he stroked my head with his hand. If elephants could fly, I would have had them in my stomach, because kissing him was simply wonderful.
He circled my tongue with his, slowly at first and then faster and faster. I wished this moment would last forever, but it just flew by. I looked at him.
“What is it?” He asked.
“I was just about to ask you that. How was it?”
“It was beautiful. Really!”
I grinned at him and we smoked a cigarette. Arm in arm, we fell asleep.
The door flew open.
“Get up!“ it said.
Still half asleep, I looked at the troublemaker, who turned out to be André.
“Shut up, André!” said Nine and put the pillow over her ears. Christian turned from me to the wall and wrapped himself in the blanket.
“What's up, you disco freaks? Drunk too much or what?”
I sat up, covered Christian and lit a cigarette.
“Drunk? We didn't drink at all. It's just too early, man!” I said annoyed.
“Too early, yeah? It's a quarter to three!”
I looked straight ahead at the clock hanging over my desk.
“Oh, that's right.”
André was still standing rooted to the spot at the open door.
“Come on, André, either sit down here or close the door from the outside, you're making me feel stupid!”
“Yeah, yeah, I get it.”
He sat down on the sofa next to me.
“Who's that next to you?”
I turned around. “That's Christian!”
“New boyfriend?” André asked with a smile on his face.
“No... no... no,“ I said to myself.
“But you'd like him, wouldn't you? Come on! I can tell by looking at you,” my little brother said, nudging me with his shoulder.
“Oh, I don't know! Somehow yes, but somehow no,” I replied. Of course I wanted it now, but I knew that he was in love with Eva, or was, or, oh, I didn't know anything anymore at the moment.
“Someone should understand you!”
I thought so too. André annoyed Nine, who actually still wanted to sleep, by constantly pulling the blanket away from her. Nine, like a hysterical dairy cow, jumped up. André took to his heels and then they were both gone. André in front and Nine behind. Oh oh, I thought to myself, as my cell phone started ringing. I just remembered that it had rung a few times, but I was too tired and too lazy to get up.
“Hi!”
“Hi, it's me! So how are you?”
“Who's me?” I asked skeptically.
“It's Eva!”
Well, that was a surprise.
“Eva? How did you get my number?”
“Nine gave it to me yesterday, or rather this morning at the disco.”
“Oh... I'm glad you called. What's up?”
“I just wanted to ask if you fancy coming over? Jessica's here too!”
Now I was taken aback. How did she come up with that?
“Yeah sure, I'll come over. You just have to tell me where you live. I've never been to your place!”
Eva explained to me with precise accuracy where I had to go if I wanted to get to her. We arranged to meet at 5 p.m. Since I knew that Christian had to work anyway, it was no problem for me to drive to Eva's; otherwise, of course, I would have stayed with him. And besides, I couldn't imagine that he would have had anything against me visiting his girlfriend. OK, maybe it was a bad moment, since the two of them were in the middle of an argument, but there was nothing I could do about that.
After Christian was awake, Nine had beaten up André and I was in the shower, we drove off. Nine took Christian with him, because he didn't live with Eva in the village.
“Thanks Martin! It was nice! Love you!” Christian said quietly in my ear and got into Nine's car.
The corners of my mouth said hello to my ears. I was so happy to hear these words from him that I could have jumped for joy. And on the drive to Eva's, it started all over again: Why did he say that to me? Does he want something from me? Has he perhaps even fallen in love with me? I couldn't get rid of these thoughts quickly. Even when I arrived at Eva's and stood in front of her front door, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
The door opened.
“Hi!” Eva came up to me and gave me a hug. ”Come in!”
And we went in, into a long hallway with a staircase on the far right of the wall leading to the first floor. To the right of it was a door through which I was guided.
Jessica looked at me from top to bottom.
“Hi Martin! How are you?”
“Hi Jessica! Yes, I'm fine, and you?”
She just nodded. But first take time to look at the room. I turned around briefly, Eva closed her room door. Next to me a large wardrobe. Straight ahead a sofa, right next to it a large bed. It looks cozy. In front of the sofa a small table with a mini hi-fi system on it. Actually very cozy. I sat down on the bed with Jessica.
“And? Did you sleep well?“ Eva asked me.
“Well, if my brother hadn't woken me up so gently...” I smiled briefly, “...maybe yes.”
“What? You have a brother?” Jessica and Eva asked almost in unison.
“Is he as good-looking as you?” Eva looked at me and raised an eyebrow.
“Well, brother! He's the son of my mom's friend. I don't know if you like skaters?”
Eva looked at me skeptically and frowned. “Nope, I don't think so!”
And here I found this prejudice again. What is different about skaters than about ravers and why can't they necessarily like each other? I mean, apart from the music and the clothes, OK, maybe even the way they talk, they're just the same as us. But apart from that, I've only ever had experiences where the skaters usually start the fight by calling us faggots. I don't even want to know how many skaters are gay or bisexual. I always think that they are the ones who hide behind a mask of masculinity and don't dare to live openly.
“Martin? Do you have a brother? One who is a raver?” Jessica asked, her right index finger playing with a strand of her hair and she put on that cute dimpled smile again.
“No. I'm sorry to have to disappoint you... there are only two of us...”
It hit me like a bolt of lightning. Chris! I never thought of him as a brother. He was my brother, but he was much more to me... much, much more. He was my friend, to be more precise, my first great love. I stared sadly at the floor.
“What's the matter, Martin?” Eve stared at me.
“I still have a brother. Chris! He died in a car accident last year,“ I said quietly to myself.
“Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know that,” Jessica said in a serious tone.
“No, how could you have known that? We haven't known each other that long. It's okay. I've coped with it pretty well by now. But I still think about him a lot.”
“Was he your real brother?”
“No. He was the son of my mom's friend. But he was very special. If it makes you feel better... he wore bell-bottoms,“ I said with a fake smile.
Jessica stroked my shoulder.
“It's okay,” I said. “Did you two get enough sleep?”
And I shouldn't have asked that question, because now the two girls started a heatedly funny discussion. I don't think I'll ever know who woke whom where. At least they agreed within half an hour that it was both their faults. I'll take that as it comes.
“I think I'll slowly make my way home too!”
“Do you want to leave already?” Eve looked at me sadly.
“Yes. I don't want to come home so late again today.”
I got up and hugged Jessica goodbye.
“I'll walk you out!“ Eve said and opened her room door.
We stood on the step.
“OK, then take care, big guy.”
“Big guy?” I grinned. “I'm not that big!”
I looked into her eyes. Such beautiful eyes, they beamed at me with a touch of sadness. I became unsure and looked sceptically. Her eyes, her face - beautiful!
“Is my make-up smudged?” Eve had apparently noticed my sceptical look.
“No, no. It's not smudged. Everything's fine... in the best way.”
“OK, little one!“ she grinned, ‘Then take care!”
“I'm not that little!’ I said, looking at her with my, as Nine always called it, ‘dachshund eyes’. Why did I look at her like that? No idea!
“What else are you when you're not my big one and not my little one?” Eva frowned.
“Your medium?”
We laughed. Eva came up to me and gave me a hug. I felt comfortable in her arms and didn't want to let go. We just stood there for a while.
“Eva????” was heard coming from her room.
She turned around. “I'll be right there!” she said and turned back to me. “Well, my psychic. I hope we see each other again soon.”
“Sure. Definitely. I'll call you.”
We hugged each other again tightly goodbye, then I drove off. When I got home, I went to bed and fell asleep.
A raging cell phone ringing! Man, who's annoying me now, I thought to myself. No, man. What time is it? A quarter to 12, in the middle of the night, at least during the holidays. I pulled myself together, went to the cell phone, which I had unfortunately left on my desk. It was still ringing.
“Who's bothering you?”
“I'm disturbing. Hi Martin! It's me, Jessy!”
I was amazed. I thought he would hang around with Sabine all the time now.
“Hey Jessy. Nice to hear from you!”
Oh yes. It was nice to hear from him. Even though I felt like he was messing with me, even though there was no reason for it. I had actually messed with myself again by misinterpreting his gestures towards me. How could it be otherwise?
“You're happy? I thought you were mad at me for being with your ex!”
“No no no... nonsense.” Stop it! Did I hear right? ‘Together?”
“Yes!’ Jessy laughed. ”Together. You heard right. Hey, can I come over for a minute? Or are you not even at home?”
I swallowed. “Sure you can come over. I just look a bit worn out. I just got up, if that doesn't bother you?” I babbled and walked nervously around my room.
“Nonsense. I'll be right there. Bye!”
“Yeah, see you in a bit.”
And after about five minutes, the doorbell rang and Jessy was standing in my doorway.
“Well, Klener, how are you?” he asked me and gave me a hug.
I was taken aback. ‘Yes, I think it looks good and you?’ I replied, choking. He let me go and sat down on the bed.
“Yes, I have to. No, it's fine. Where have you been all this time? I came by from time to time and your mom said you weren't home.”
“Yes, I was out with Nine most of the time.”
“Oh, and where were you, if I may ask?”
“Sometimes here, sometimes there. Sometimes at Christian's, disco, yesterday I was at Eva's.”
“You're very busy,” he said, then he looked me in the eye. ”Unfortunately, there's not much time left for me!”
So a flirt? No thanks, even if it's you Jessy, but I'm getting in over my head with these love affairs, I thought to myself. Christian, Eva and you Jessy? Stop! Eva? How did I come up with Eva? I suddenly saw her in front of me and my stomach twitched. I didn't understand it! I suppressed the thought.
“If you don't get in touch...!” I finally replied.
“Well,” Jessy began, ‘I did volunteer today!”
“Well, now you're here, aren't you?”
“Hey!’ Jessy frowned. ‘I can leave if you want!’ He said and stood up.
I grabbed my head. It's not his fault that I'm suddenly feeling so turbulent inside. But somehow it is. Back and forth. First me (?) then Sabine, now me (?) again, that can't end well. No wonder I'm so confused right now, and then there's also what happened with Eva.
“Jessy, sorry. I didn't mean it. It's just that I don't know what's going on at the moment! I'm sorry.”
Jessy sat down again. “In what way? Do you want to talk about it?”
Talking wouldn't be bad, but not with him. I didn't know him well enough to dump my problems on him, and anyway, it was somehow about him too. When he was with me, he was suddenly somehow the boy I wanted, but when Christian was with me, Jessy couldn't stand the sight of him. And Eva? Yes, Eva, when I was with her, it was almost as if she was more for me. But I didn't want to think about that. It was probably just a subconscious act to distract me from the fact that I like boys. It's funny actually, even though I'd already come out...
“Hey Jessy. I don't know you well enough to tell you about my problems. Don't take it personally.”
Jessy looked at me. “It's not about me, is it?”
Shocked, I looked at him. “What makes you think that?”
“Sabine told me that you used to be with a boy.”
OK, I was out and at some point he would have to find out that I was gay, but did it have to happen at the worst possible time? Besides, I cared about him and I was afraid that he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.
“Yes, that's right. What do you think of me now?”
“What kind of question is that? What should I think of you now? You're my friend, if I may say so. I still like you,” said Jessy, looking me in the eye. ‘I like you very much,’ he continued, leaning towards me, taking my hand and kissing me. I could hardly believe it. We kissed. Was it the feeling of happiness that I now felt, or was it the feeling of victory; I managed to get him? I don't know, but it was nice. He lovingly caressed my hand while we kissed, and finally held me tight. A thousand thoughts went through my mind. I saw him and yet I saw Christian. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought, “Hey Martin, you made it. Who do you want? Christian or Jessy? The choice is yours!” But I knew it wasn't like that. What did Jessy mean by that kiss and would Christian break up with Eva? Problems, despair, maybe too much feeling.
The door flew open.
“Martin, tell me, do you have...“ André didn't get to finish.
Jessy and I jumped away from each other in shock. Jessy leaned his elbows on his knees and looked at the floor.
“Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you,” said André, and left as quickly as he had come.
Jessy looked at me.
“I think it's better if you leave now,” I said quietly.
“It's okay. Sorry if I took you by surprise, but I wanted to do that when you were lying on the street in front of the cigarette machine. Sorry.”
I took him to the front door.
“I'll be in touch,” I said, feeling glum, and closed the door behind him, holding my hands in front of my face. After a short sigh, I went up to André.
“Hey!”
“Hey, don't preach to me. How was I supposed to know that you were making out with Jessy? I'm sorry I disturbed you.”
“Thanks!”
“What? Thanks?”
“Yes, it was better that way!”
“What do you mean by that?”
“André, I'm a bit confused at the moment. You know, first you don't have anyone you could think of, and now there are three of them.”
“Why three?”
“Christian, Jessy...”
“And who else?” André looked at me expectantly.
“Eva!”
“I thought that was a girl's name?”
I had to grin briefly. “It is a girl.”
André was shocked. ”What now? Did I miss something?”
“I've asked myself that too.”
“Do you really think you could be happy with a girl? Maybe it's just another way to distract from you? Have you thought about it?”
“Yes I have. And I've also thought the same thing. It's definitely true.”
André looked at the floor.
“Do you know the feeling when all your luck is in one moment and you don't realize it? You just don't notice it?” I asked him.
“The way you say it, I can understand what you mean, but I've never felt that way. Who are you thinking of?”
“I'm thinking of Jessy.”
“Jessy is good-looking. He's intelligent and very nice and funny.”
“Yes, and I feel a lot for him too. But I'll never feel what I felt for Chris.”
André looked up at me sadly.
“Martin, you will never feel for anyone what you felt for Chris.”
I looked at him in shock.
“He was the love for you. Do you understand that? The love! Jessy, Christian, you feel a different love for each of them. It will never be the same love that you felt for Chris.”
I looked at André. “Thanks!” But a thank you was not enough for him. He helped me wherever he could. I put on my jacket and left the house. I took my car keys and drove off, just away from home, up to the main road, just away. I apathetically stopped next to a flower shop, gathered the rest of my euros together and bought a rose. I thought of Chris. I drove on to the cemetery, to his grave. The plastic heart that I had placed on his grave a long time ago was still in place. I laid the rose next to it.
“Here Chris, for you!” I said quietly. How I missed him. In my thoughts, I told him what was going on right now, told him about us, how we met and finally found out that we were actually brothers. I told him about my current situation and asked him for help. Every time I saw his grave, I automatically thought back to his funeral – back to the moment he left me. Back to the words he said to me before he died. I was moved to tears. What wouldn't I do if he were here again? What would we have been through if he were still alive? What obstacles and beautiful moments would we have already experienced? I looked to the side. An old woman was beautifying a grave, then kneeling in front of it and praying. A cold wind blew past me, it was already getting dark. I was on my way home, just one last look at his grave and a goodbye, which I said in my mind, stopped me from leaving for the time being.
'I think I've fallen madly in love with you!'
Sleepily, I stared at my cell phone, looked away again and rubbed my eyes. 10 o'clock in the morning. I looked at it again.
'I think I've fallen madly in love with you!' I seemed to have read it correctly. Sender Christian.
For a short time I thought I was dreaming, but then I knew it was really true. Then the thought “YES YOU DID IT!!!” spread in my head, followed by doubts as to whether I really wanted it that way. Yes, and if Jessy hadn't kissed me yesterday, I would have wanted it. It was the first time that I wished a boy was straight. Yes, he should be happy with Sabine and not make a move on me. Then I would have been 100% sure that it is Christian that I want. I would have liked to lie down again and continue sleeping, but I knew that was futile. All these thoughts would keep me awake anyway, so I went to Christian, who welcomed me with open arms.
“Hi! How? How? What are you doing here?”
“Hi, kid! Thought I'd stop by.”
He was beside himself. “I'm really happy you're here,” he said, hugging me. “Come in.”
And there I was again, in Christian's room, only this time without Nine. I sat down in my old place and this time he sat down next to me.
“Did you get my message?“ He asked me quietly.
“Yes I did. Are you serious?” I looked at him expectantly. I had firmly resolved that nothing should happen between me and Christian today. Not until I knew what I wanted.
“Yes, I'm serious,” he looked at me.
“When did you realize?”
“On the day I left with Nine. I didn't want to go yet, I really wanted to stay with you.”
I grinned at him and took him in my arms.
We spent the rest of the day telling each other about our lives. Of course, he was very interested in my love life. Like, 'How was it with Markus' and 'Was there anyone else?' I told him about Chris. He was very shocked when he heard about him and me. Towards evening, I wanted to make my way home again. It was already dark when Christian walked me to the car. We said goodbye with a big hug. I just started the engine when Christian came jumping out of his room like a fury.
“Hey, wait!”
I rolled down the window.
“What?”
“Do you have an extra hour?”
I looked at my watch.
Christian raised his eyebrows. “For me?” he finally added.
“OK.”
He jumped on the passenger seat and gave me specific instructions on where to go until we left the village behind us. Only a few houses were still standing. He pointed to a hill.
“So now turn left!”
And I turned left.
“Now we're here!“ He said.
I looked around. ‘Yes, and what do we want here in the middle of nowhere?’ I looked around, a wide gravel path, with a forest to our left. It was very dark up here.
“Turn off the engine and the lights,” he grinned at me.
I did as I was told and then I realized what he wanted here. We were standing at some kind of cliff. Below us a brightly lit city, above us the starry sky and the moon right in the middle.
“What do you think?” Christian asked.
I was flabbergasted. ‘I think it's totally beautiful here.’ As if in a trance, I looked down at the city, then up at the sky, and finally at the moon. Christian put his hand on my leg. I looked over at him and grinned. He grinned back. We lit up a cigarette, and the radio played the Titanic theme. We didn't say a word to each other during the whole song. We sat in silence, gazing at the beautiful view that was revealed to us here.
“Why me, actually?” I finally asked.
“What?”
I remained silent. I was a bit embarrassed to ask this question now, but I took heart and managed to ask it.
“Why did you see with me, of all people, that you can like guys?”
Christian took my hand and caressed it. “Do you really want to know?” he asked.
“I would be interested.”
“If you really want to know, then take a look in the mirror.”
At first I wanted to ask what the mirror had to do with it, but then I finally understood what he meant and it was very encouraging to hear something like that.
“When your soul is as fascinating as the glow in your eyes, then all words about love lose their meaning!”
I looked at him, shocked. I knew that he must have received this saying as a text message or something, but nevertheless this saying, which I had also read many times, had never touched me as much as it did now. It's the same with “I love you”. In some relationships, the word was said so often, but never have these three words touched me as much as they did back then with Chris.
Christian squeezed my hand. I looked him straight in the eye.
“You're beautiful,“ he said. Now it was over. This sweet way he had and his cute smile finally won against my plan that nothing should happen. I leaned over to him and we kissed.
“Sorry,” I said. This had to be now.
“Hey, that's all right. I wanted to do the same thing.”
We sat up there on the 'platform' for a while, as I always ended up calling it, because I couldn't remember the mountain's name, then I drove Christian home and finally myself too. I fell asleep with Christian on my mind.
I was talking to André about the previous day when my cell phone rang.
“Hi Martin. It's Nine!”
“Hi, kiddo. What's up?”
“I just wanted to let you know that Christian is back with Eva.”
I was quite surprised to hear this, but then I remembered that Nine was back at university and was always a bit behind with the information.
“Hey Nine. Misinformation! Christian...”
“Nene, Martin. I talked to Christian today. He was overjoyed. The two of them just belong together. Sorry to say it like that, but that's just the way it is.”
I hung up.
Shocked and sad, I looked at my cell phone as if it was to blame for the message.
“Martin, what's going on? You can't just push the cheater away.”
“Well, André. Easy come, easy go! That was nothing after all.”
“What do you mean?“ André chewed on his fingernails.
“Well, you can forget what I just told you about Christian. He's happily back together with Eva.”
André looked serious and yet shocked.
“And I'm so happy for them!” I added ironically.
André swallowed twice hard and finally jumped up.
“Hey, when I get my hands on him, I'll give him a beating,” he said, pounding his fist against his hand.
“Oh nonsense. Stay out of it. It's my own fault for being so naive and believing everything I'm told.”
“Hey, it's no longer a matter of naivety, but of trust. He's in for a world of hurt.”
I have to admit, it was tempting to see Christian get his comeuppance, but what would that achieve? Christian would get hurt and I didn't want that despite the prank, Eva would be really pissed off and I didn't really want to spoil things with the new clique. They were all really nice and I liked them too.
“Well, if Christian is back together with Eva, then she probably won't contact me either,” I finally said.
“You think so? But think about it. Now the two are back together again.” André calmed down, ‘So two people you wanted to get rid of. And who's left?’ The grin on his face was unmistakable. It seemed once again as if the corners of his mouth were saying hello to his ears. André continued to look at me expectantly.
“Oh, yes, man. Jessy!”
“Bingo! Call him.”
“What should I tell him? That the one had screwed me and I want him as an emergency friend or what?” I said defiantly and angry with myself.
“Well, you don't have to tell him that. Besides, I think there's more to it than an emergency friend, isn't there?”
“André, please spare me your suspicions for today. I don't ask you all the time what your women are doing.”
“Maybe it's because I don't have any!”
That was André, pure and simple. He always managed to make me laugh, just like Nine.
“Oh come on, call him,” he finally said.
To finally put an end to the nerves, I called Jessy. OK, I admit it. He wasn't just a friend to me, but that's why I didn't want to call him before I had clarity about myself. It was just all tricky at the moment. I just wondered what the future would bring... if it would bring anything at all. André handed me the phone.
“120781!” André said. ‘You don't need the area code, it's our neighbor, in case you've forgotten again.”
“I know the number!’ I said and dialed.
“Müller.”
“Hi Jessy. It's me!”
“Martin! Hi, how are you. I thought you were mad at me or something.”
Hearing his voice made me very nervous.
“Nonsense!” I said, waving my hand as if he could see it. ”Actually, I just wanted to ask if you wanted to watch some videos with me.”
“Really? Is André going to be there too?”
“Is André going to be there?”
I looked over at him, he shook his head and winked.
“Nah, he wants to sleep in today. He was out late last night.”
“Oh, I see. No, sure. I'd like to come over. What time should I show up?”
I looked at the clock. 5 p.m.
“Why don't you come over right away?”
“I'm on my way,“ I heard him say, and then he hung up.
“There you go! It's going like clockwork,” said André.
I wondered briefly what this saying was based on, but then I quickly sent André up to his room, where he quickly disappeared. I knew that a lot would happen with Jessy today and I decided not to start the whole thing with a lie. OK, maybe lie would be too strong a word, but the fact was that I only called him now because Christian wasn't with me. I wanted him to know. However, I didn't want him to really come across as a stopgap.
The doorbell rang. I ran downstairs. Frank was standing in front of the front door talking to Jessy.
“Hey Martin, you have a visitor,” he said.
Jessy came in and shook Frank's hand.
“Good evening,“ he said.
“Hi Jessy. Nice to meet you at last. We haven't had the pleasure yet.”
“That's right,” Jessy said, “How are you?”
“Oh, I'm fine,” Frank said jokingly. “But I can't complain. With such a lovely wife and such nice children!“ Typical Frank. He always wanted our family to be like something out of a storybook.
“Hey Jessy, you coming up?” I finally said.
“Yeah, I'm coming,“ he said. ‘Nice to meet you,’ he said to Frank.
“Me too,” he said.
We went up to my room. I closed the door and Jessy sat down on the bed.
“Hey. I was really happy that you called me,” he said.
I sat down on the bed with Jessy. ”I'm glad you're here!”
“You look so sad. What's going on?”
And I told him the story with Christian. I had made up my mind and I did it. I got rid of the ballast. What Jessy would make of it is his business.
“Hey, I'm really sorry about that! But how can that idiot just give up on someone like you?“ Jessy took me in his arms. I leaned my head on his shoulder.
“How can you just let someone like you go?” he wondered.
“You can see that it works.”
“Are you very upset about it?” Jessy took my hand.
I quickly pulled it away again, after all, one had seen what that could lead to. Jessy looked puzzled, I had reacted wrongly. He just wanted to help me.
“What do you mean, bad? Let's put it this way, I'm not exactly happy about it. He meant a lot to me, but I sensed that something else was going to happen, I just didn't know it would turn out like this. I really thought he would be somewhat serious about it, because I was the first for him.”
“Have you slept together?” Jessy asked bluntly.
“No!” I said, looking at the floor. ‘No, we didn't. We only kissed.”
It was amazing. Jessy was there for me. I thought back to when I would have liked to have shot him to the moon when he got together with Sabine. Speaking of Sabine...
“Have you slept with Sabine?”
Jessy raised his eyebrows. ’Yes, I have.”
Well, that wasn't the answer I wanted to hear, but he was honest. I was attracted to him, but where would it end? Was I really looking for a rebound guy in him or was what I felt real? But what did I feel for him at all? It was an up and down of feelings. A hot and cold, a high and low, or whatever else I could call it.
“Bad?“ Jessy asked.
“Why bad? I can't think it's bad! You were with her, it's the most normal thing in the world to sleep with her!”
Jessy took my hand again and I held it tight.
“I knew it from the beginning,” he finally said.
“What did you know? That she wasn't the right one?”
“No, that you want something from me!”
Shocked, I looked at him. There was no point in denying it now. Why should I?
“How do you know?”
“Do you seriously think I would have kissed you if I hadn't known for sure?”
I hadn't reckoned with that. “How did you know?”
“André told me!”
“André???!” I was disappointed in him. But on the other hand, I wasn't. He could have at least asked me beforehand. At least he could have let me in on it.
“Then why did you get together with Sabine?”
“I didn't believe him, and only when Sabine told me about you and Chris did I know that it was true. That's why I broke up with her.“ Jessy looked me in the eye. ‘Because of you!’ he added.
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
“Martin. I fell in love with you... I love you!” Jessy finally said.
I snuggled up to him and he put his arm around me. I stroked my hand over his black sweater. Carefully, he leaned his head on mine, holding me very tightly, as if he never wants to give me away. Finally, I looked him in the eye. Tears flowed down my face. It was the feeling of being loved – being truly loved. I sat up and turned to him.
“Hey! Why are you crying?“ Jessy asked and wiped away my tears with his thumbs.
“I don't know either.” I couldn't say anything more.
He looked at me and came closer. He stroked my face with his hand.
“May I?” He asked with a puppy-dog look that I had never seen before.
“I can't imagine anything better at the moment,” I replied.
He grinned and closed his eyes. I closed my eyes too – our lips touched. He slowly played with my tongue, holding me close. This feeling of being safe and secure was wonderful. He gently bit my lower lip very lightly.