07-10-2025, 03:17 PM
“Dad, we need to talk.”
“Diplomatic as always, I think to myself. That's my son.”
“What's up?” I ask expectantly, looking up from my coffee and the tablet I've been using to follow the latest news.
“I don't really know... somehow...” he started and then plonked himself down on the seat opposite me, looking quite resigned. ‘Oh, forget it...’ he says, getting up again.
“Uh, okay and what?” I ask, slightly irritated. I've never seen him so speechless. He sits down again and looks uncertainly into my eyes. It seems that the conversation is costing him quite an effort.
“So, from the beginning and don't worry, whatever it is, it can't be that bad, right?”
Again this look, only with a furrowed brow. Somehow it's not easy being the father of a teenage boy, if that can be said of a 16-year-old.
Since there is still no answer, I try a question: “Is it a girl?”
“No, definitely not, I don't need to talk to you about it anyway,” comes the prompt reply. Well, thank you very much, I think to myself. ‘So you don't have much experience in that area,’ he even goes one better.
Shaking my head, I sit across from my little one and once again I can't believe my ears. Okay, we're used to this kind of communication with each other, but I'm still amazed again and again. On the other hand, I'm glad that we've found a way of dealing with each other. As a weekend dad, it's sometimes difficult, but we've created a good basis, it seems.
“Okay, so it's not girls, it's school, then? Mom? Or boys?“ Now I'm the one grinning, because I keep shocking him with that.
“Nope, not school and not Mom either,” he replies promptly.
“Good, then it's still the boys. Who did what?“ A typical parent question. How I used to hate that, it crosses my mind. Apparently some things tend to repeat themselves. Did my parents feel the same way back then?
“Nobody did anything, everything's fine,” I am now pulled out of my thoughts.
“But...?” I follow up with the famous parental undertone. The gaze of Joshua, that's my son's name, slowly lowers towards the floor, apparently there seems to be something very interesting all of a sudden. Funnily enough, his ears are slowly turning red and he's getting those red spots on his cheeks, as always when he's excited. “Oh dear, now it's getting exciting,“ I think to myself. Josh shifts restlessly in his chair and still can't raise his eyes. I can see him thinking and carefully choosing his words. After a while, he looks up and looks me firmly in the eye.
“I think Marco's jealous of me,” he says, squeezing the words through his teeth.
Now it's me who looks at him questioningly. Marco is Joshua's best friend and they have known each other since the beginning of elementary school.
“Why should he be jealous? What happened?”
“Oh, he's been so dismissive of me lately and pisses me off over every little thing. When I asked him about it, he just hemmed and hawed and said something about me taking the girls away from him.”
“Ah, so that's what's going on,“ I think to myself. To find out more about the context, I'm quiet for now.
“I'm not doing anything,” Josh continues. “I mean, sure, we have similar tastes every now and then, but not the girls. Marco and I get along great, but we're as different as day and night.”
“Oh yes,” I think to myself again. Yin and Yang could turn green with envy. Josh is more the calm and collected one, thinks about many things, is interested in music, likes to paint and has a huge heart for those who are not as well off as he is. His teacher has mentioned to me several times how well he helps others and supports them in their work without imposing, but always with a sensitive feel for the right moment. Marco, on the other hand, is an absolute whirlwind. As Josh told me right at the beginning, he has ADD, or attention deficit disorder. His concentration is zero and he is always on the move. They can't sit still for a moment and linger; there's always something to be done, held in the hands or talked about. This is what makes them very different, but also obviously connects them in their very own way.
“I agree with you, you differ in character, but also in appearance. I guess that shouldn't be a problem with the girls, should it?”
Another difference between the two. Marco, with his fair skin, straw-blonde hair, rather sturdy build, broad shoulders and slight paunch, is the complete opposite of Joshua. Joshua is slender, not an ounce of fat on his body, dark brown hair and sun-tanned skin. Marco and Josh are really not comparable in this respect either.
“Nah, I told him that too. But still, he's totally bitchy when I talk to the girls during the breaks or even go out with them after school.”
Slowly, a thought creeps into my head, but I'd rather hold it back. I know this topic is always very difficult for Josh, especially at this stage of growing up.
“I assume that you also offered him a ride when you're out together?”
“Yeah, sure. But then he just makes stupid jokes and tries to hog the attention the whole time. It's really exhausting, Dad.”
“I'm sure it is. What does he say about it?”
“Nothing, that's just it, or he blames it on his ADD.” Josh sinks further into his chair in resignation. Marco's behavior is visibly getting to him.
“Is that also the reason why he is not with you this weekend?” I ask now, because I already noticed in the preparation for our meeting that he did not mention Marco with a single word and even when I asked, he just said that he would come to me alone this time. Since I know that he also likes to spend time alone with me from time to time, I didn't ask any further.
Josh nods his head sheepishly and mumbles a quiet “Yes”.
“Say, didn't Marco have a girlfriend?“ I try to steer the conversation in a different direction.
“Nah, not anymore. Broke up with her last week.”
“Do you have a girlfriend?” I cautiously ask my son. He raises his head in surprise and looks at me with wide eyes.
“Nah, not at the moment,“ he replies quickly. I have to smile. I love his direct and dry manner.
“Well, not at the moment, but is it planned?” I press him further.
“I don't know, not yet,” he replies somewhat indecisively.
“Have you asked Marco if he has chosen the same thing and that's where his displeasure might come from?”
“He said no, he wants to take a break for a while and be on his own for a bit.”
Surprised, I look at Josh. “Did he say that?”
“Yes.”
“Hm...” I let it hang in the air for a moment. I struggle with myself as to whether or not to ask Joshua the question that is going around in my head. How will he react to it? Josh looks for my gaze and now sees that I am thinking about something.
“Go on, spit it out, what's on your mind,” he now throws at me. I have to smile. It's always like that with us. Everyone sees when something is bothering the other and we always challenge each other to openly express our thoughts, however hard or abstract they may be. I slowly begin to speak.
“Say, have you ever thought about whether Marco might be gay?“ I ask my son cautiously.
“Nah,” he replies immediately, his eyes the size of mill wheels. “Marco is the ultimate ladies' man, he could never be into guys.”
“Well, I've heard that it happens,“ I grin at him. Now Josh can't hold back either, and in the next moment his eyes are sparkling again.
“Just because you changed your mind at some point and now like guys doesn't mean that everyone else has to do the same,” he says with a laugh. Yes, yes, my son, always quick-witted.
“I'm just saying, it was just a thought,” I join in his laughter.
“Sometimes you're really crazy, you know that?“ He grins at me and just shakes his head.
“Of course, that's why you like me so much and keep coming back to me. I'm just not like the other fathers of the other guys,” I grin at him.
“But seriously,” Josh takes up my thought again, ”do you really think so?”
“I can't tell you, I don't know Marco that well. After all, he's only here with you every four weeks. But if I'm being honest, I can also remember some situations with you two that were a bit conspicuous. Well, you're teenagers... I mean... guys together... that's normal,” I add, somewhat haltingly.
Josh's face turns red at my words. Caught, I think and grin inwardly.
“Hey, there's nothing to it. It's not for nothing that I had a conversation with you at some point, that you should decide for yourself what you like and that you shouldn't be afraid to try it out. I just suspect that in the meantime it was probably something like what I described to you back then. You have always been very open about your father being gay. As advice, I told you that it is likely that boys will try something with you. For them, the thought is pretty obvious: since your father is gay, why not you too? They can't necessarily know that this is not the case, can they?”
Yes, we had this conversation once. I know how his mother feels about homosexuality. And more than once he has described in tears how much she has dragged on me. This was always very painful for Josh, as he loved me from an early age and knows that my sexual orientation has not changed the way I feel about him or the relationship between us. Ultimately, he was also too young to really have a problem with it; he grew up knowing that I was into men.
At some point, after he had told me about it, it occurred to me that he was open with me and that it might be useful to prepare him for one thing or another. I realized, probably also triggered by his mother's insults, that he always got very tense when another boy put an arm around his shoulder or made a joke along the lines that he might also be into men.
Once the situation escalated in my presence with a friend and this gave me a lot to think about for a long time. Joshua would get angry over a small thing and rail against his gay father. His friend just looked at him irritated and said that he would gladly trade places with him. Josh could have his father, who was nowhere near as understanding and easy to get along with. If Josh no longer wanted me, he would take me any time. Sure, that was a frontal attack and Joshua realized at that moment that his gay father, with his manner and his way of dealing with people, could obviously also be interesting for others. The only logical consequence for him was that this was the last time for the boy to visit us together.
With Marco it was different from the start. He took part in the usual romping around and testing of strength that Josh and I always did to greet each other, without any shyness. He was in the middle of it and threw himself at me without warning. I was so surprised at first that I just went to the ground. Josh thought it was great and threw himself at us too. So the ice was broken and I suddenly had two opponents. Both are extremely ticklish, so with a few unfair maneuvers, I quickly had the upper hand again and again and the two boys were always lying on the floor laughing a short time later.
So it happened that I noticed very early on one of our weekends how the tension between the two guys kept building up throughout the day. Sometimes it's also because I myself am very sensitive to the topic of “boys among themselves” and my experiences with it. Anyway, after dinner I left the two to themselves and went to bed early with my book. The last instruction was to shower, because they were very sweaty during the day. From my bed, I heard Marco ask Josh if they shouldn't take a shower together again, like they used to do. From Josh's voice, I could tell that he wasn't very enthusiastic about the idea.
Josh had disappeared in the bathroom and I heard the sound of the shower. A short time later, I heard a soft giggle and the clatter of the bathroom door. Marco, I thought to myself and smiled. Joshua, who was probably happily standing in the shower and thinking of no evil, suddenly cried out in surprise and then I heard them both laugh. Okay, everything's fine so far, I thought, and refrained from calling the two boys to order. A little later, Josh came out of the bathroom and Marco had jumped into the shower. Joshua stuck his head into my room and wished me a good night.
Eventually I fell asleep and the boys sat in the living room watching TV. When they got tired, they went over to bed. In the guest room, which Joshua always moves into when he's with me, there is a double bed so that the two of them can always sleep together. Josh had apparently adopted the ritual of chatting in bed for a while and followed the habit with Marco. Apparently they were louder than they realized, because suddenly I was awake again and heard them laughing in the next room. They were busy with their Nintendos and enjoyed playing together. “Can you play against each other with these things too?” it briefly crossed my mind. But anyway, I turned around and tried to go back to sleep. Which I couldn't do with all the giggling.
A short time later, a situation arose along the lines of “What a parent doesn't really want to know about their children.” I was on my way to the bathroom to empty my bladder, quietly sneaking past the guest room and only half-listening to Marco's voice. “Feel it, it's totally hard.” I stopped abruptly and wondered if I had just misheard. Josh resisted a little at first, but then apparently gave in. A soft groan could be heard. “Now stick it in somewhere,” Marco's voice was heard again. Oookaaay, I thought to myself, and quickly disappeared into the bathroom as quietly as possible. Once there, I sorted through my thoughts for a brief moment and wondered how I should best react to the situation. My decision was to ignore it. If they wanted to try these things, then they should have the space and the opportunity to do so. Who knows where they would otherwise get the chance. I would have been glad if I had had this opportunity back then. Some things in my life would have turned out differently.
The next morning we were all sitting at the breakfast table and no one mentioned the previous night. At least not officially, but the furtive and knowing look between Josh and Marco was unmistakable.
I couldn't just blurt this information, which was now flashing through my mind, to Josh in our conversation. I suspect that it would have brought the blush of shame to his face again if he knew that I had witnessed at least part of the nocturnal action. Nevertheless, this was the point that led me to my suspicion regarding Marco. So, what's the best way for me to get a possible explanation without it being too embarrassing for Joshua with me, after all, I am the dad somewhere.
As is well known, openness is the best strategy for attack and I'm quite good at mirroring, so I'll jump in at the deep end again and reveal to my son one of those wonderful stories that you never want to know about parents and the images of which you never forget.
“You know, I also had a friend once, similar to Marco. Back then, I didn't know as much about myself as I do now and couldn't understand many of his reactions. We got along great, played a lot of pranks and were inseparable. At some point, the relationship between us became more and more tense, which I couldn't understand at all, since I was acting the same as always. He withdrew more and more and weighed every word I said. It was totally exhausting. Well, we still spent time together because he didn't want to miss it either. One weekend he stayed overnight again and that's when it happened. I was totally surprised, I would never have expected that from him, after all, we had known each other forever. But we were once again totally tense. One thing led to another and suddenly we were wrestling on the floor. Before I knew it, I had a bleeding nose and was lying under him. He sat on my stomach and held my wrists down on the floor next to my head. I was totally confused and had no idea how it could have come to this. A glance at his face showed me that I must have put up quite a fight, because his left eye was adorned with a neat black eye. Suddenly he slowly lowered his head and before I knew it his lips touched mine. He kissed me. I was so surprised that I just stayed lying there and instinctively kissed him back.”
Joshua looked at me with wide eyes. I hadn't told him this story yet. It's interesting how some things seem to repeat themselves over and over again.
“And what happened next?” he asked me when I didn't continue.
“He confessed to me that evening that he had fallen in love with me, had noticed it all this time and never knew how to tell me. He was also very afraid of my reaction because our friendship was very important to him.”
“And,” Joshua asked me with a wry smile, ”were you together after that?”
“No, we weren't. As I said, I wasn't as aware of myself then as I am today. I was still convinced that I liked girls and unfortunately I had to turn him down. Of course, it wasn't easy for me, after all, he was my friend. But I couldn't have given him what he wanted from me back then.”
Josh and I sat at the table in silence for a while, each lost in our own thoughts.
“Marco has never kissed me,” Josh suddenly said. I looked at him questioningly. ‘Well, we've played with each other a little,’ my son admitted, his ears glowing red and a mischievous grin on his face. ‘But not anymore,’ he quickly added.
“Boys will be boys,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. ”It's normal at your age.”
“And how should I continue with him?” Joshua looked at me questioningly.
“It's best if you continue to approach him and don't let him down. If there is something in it, he will come to you and tell you at some point. Just try to handle it as usual, be open and see what happens. If his behavior continues to deteriorate, you can always keep your distance.”
“And what do I do if he actually tells me at some point that he's gay? Or even worse, that he has a crush on me?”
“What did you do when I told you I was gay?”
“That's completely different, Dad.” Josh replies testily and takes a nervous breath.
“No, it's not,” I counter. ”What should be different about it? If Marco were to be gay, and that's just a guess of mine, what would change for you? Marco remains Marco, no more and no less. You just have to know for yourself what you want at this moment. Do you want to or can you return his feelings or not. There is no other question.”
“But if he has fallen in love with me, he can't do that. I'm not into guys.” Josh looks at me desperately and fidgets with his hands. Suddenly, I have the feeling that he is close to tears. ‘Oh dear, what have I done now? Me with my imagination and my quick assumptions,’ it crosses my mind. I quickly get up and take Josh in my arms. He presses close to me and one or two tears actually roll down his cheek. I slowly stroke his head and hold him tight. When he has calmed down again, I look him in the eye.
“If you don't feel the same way about Marco as he does about you, that's okay too. You can't always return the feelings of the other person. That hurts, sure, but I think you know what it's like yourself and have probably experienced it before. Of course, it's even worse when you know that you're hurting this person deeply, precisely because you like them a lot, but you just can't return the feeling. In this moment, it's important to be sincere and open and not to completely reject the other person. It will certainly take a while for you to get back on track, but if your friendship is as strong as I suspect, then you'll manage it. Believe me, even if it's hard right now,” I reply, smiling at him. ”Dominik and I did it too. Now we're both glad that we got through that time together and were able to spend so many more happy hours together, even though we never became a couple, even though I realized at some point that I also like men.”
“I certainly won't recognize that,” Josh admits half under me and nudges me lightly in the side. Slowly I let him go and nudge him back. We start laughing and the serious mood slowly dissipates.
Well, what can I say. A few weeks have passed since our conversation. So far, I have not been told any more about Marco and his behavior, but if something should happen, I will surely hear about it at some point. Sometimes I wonder if it's really so good for Joshua to have a gay father; sometimes he has a hard time with it. Not only the teasing and meanness at school, but also the prejudices he encounters and has to defend himself against time and again. Will this ease up at some point?
On the other hand, I also have the feeling that he is grateful for the insights into a world that he would otherwise not have access to. In addition, we both cultivate our openness and the opportunity to exchange ideas in a carefree way, even if it sometimes takes a lot of effort. As Josh once said: “First and foremost, you are a good friend, and second, you are also my father.” And one thing is for sure, no matter how he develops, I will always stand by him and love him. After all, that's the least I can do for him. And who knows how everything will develop, maybe there will be a sequel to this story at some point. I'm excited.
“Diplomatic as always, I think to myself. That's my son.”
“What's up?” I ask expectantly, looking up from my coffee and the tablet I've been using to follow the latest news.
“I don't really know... somehow...” he started and then plonked himself down on the seat opposite me, looking quite resigned. ‘Oh, forget it...’ he says, getting up again.
“Uh, okay and what?” I ask, slightly irritated. I've never seen him so speechless. He sits down again and looks uncertainly into my eyes. It seems that the conversation is costing him quite an effort.
“So, from the beginning and don't worry, whatever it is, it can't be that bad, right?”
Again this look, only with a furrowed brow. Somehow it's not easy being the father of a teenage boy, if that can be said of a 16-year-old.
Since there is still no answer, I try a question: “Is it a girl?”
“No, definitely not, I don't need to talk to you about it anyway,” comes the prompt reply. Well, thank you very much, I think to myself. ‘So you don't have much experience in that area,’ he even goes one better.
Shaking my head, I sit across from my little one and once again I can't believe my ears. Okay, we're used to this kind of communication with each other, but I'm still amazed again and again. On the other hand, I'm glad that we've found a way of dealing with each other. As a weekend dad, it's sometimes difficult, but we've created a good basis, it seems.
“Okay, so it's not girls, it's school, then? Mom? Or boys?“ Now I'm the one grinning, because I keep shocking him with that.
“Nope, not school and not Mom either,” he replies promptly.
“Good, then it's still the boys. Who did what?“ A typical parent question. How I used to hate that, it crosses my mind. Apparently some things tend to repeat themselves. Did my parents feel the same way back then?
“Nobody did anything, everything's fine,” I am now pulled out of my thoughts.
“But...?” I follow up with the famous parental undertone. The gaze of Joshua, that's my son's name, slowly lowers towards the floor, apparently there seems to be something very interesting all of a sudden. Funnily enough, his ears are slowly turning red and he's getting those red spots on his cheeks, as always when he's excited. “Oh dear, now it's getting exciting,“ I think to myself. Josh shifts restlessly in his chair and still can't raise his eyes. I can see him thinking and carefully choosing his words. After a while, he looks up and looks me firmly in the eye.
“I think Marco's jealous of me,” he says, squeezing the words through his teeth.
Now it's me who looks at him questioningly. Marco is Joshua's best friend and they have known each other since the beginning of elementary school.
“Why should he be jealous? What happened?”
“Oh, he's been so dismissive of me lately and pisses me off over every little thing. When I asked him about it, he just hemmed and hawed and said something about me taking the girls away from him.”
“Ah, so that's what's going on,“ I think to myself. To find out more about the context, I'm quiet for now.
“I'm not doing anything,” Josh continues. “I mean, sure, we have similar tastes every now and then, but not the girls. Marco and I get along great, but we're as different as day and night.”
“Oh yes,” I think to myself again. Yin and Yang could turn green with envy. Josh is more the calm and collected one, thinks about many things, is interested in music, likes to paint and has a huge heart for those who are not as well off as he is. His teacher has mentioned to me several times how well he helps others and supports them in their work without imposing, but always with a sensitive feel for the right moment. Marco, on the other hand, is an absolute whirlwind. As Josh told me right at the beginning, he has ADD, or attention deficit disorder. His concentration is zero and he is always on the move. They can't sit still for a moment and linger; there's always something to be done, held in the hands or talked about. This is what makes them very different, but also obviously connects them in their very own way.
“I agree with you, you differ in character, but also in appearance. I guess that shouldn't be a problem with the girls, should it?”
Another difference between the two. Marco, with his fair skin, straw-blonde hair, rather sturdy build, broad shoulders and slight paunch, is the complete opposite of Joshua. Joshua is slender, not an ounce of fat on his body, dark brown hair and sun-tanned skin. Marco and Josh are really not comparable in this respect either.
“Nah, I told him that too. But still, he's totally bitchy when I talk to the girls during the breaks or even go out with them after school.”
Slowly, a thought creeps into my head, but I'd rather hold it back. I know this topic is always very difficult for Josh, especially at this stage of growing up.
“I assume that you also offered him a ride when you're out together?”
“Yeah, sure. But then he just makes stupid jokes and tries to hog the attention the whole time. It's really exhausting, Dad.”
“I'm sure it is. What does he say about it?”
“Nothing, that's just it, or he blames it on his ADD.” Josh sinks further into his chair in resignation. Marco's behavior is visibly getting to him.
“Is that also the reason why he is not with you this weekend?” I ask now, because I already noticed in the preparation for our meeting that he did not mention Marco with a single word and even when I asked, he just said that he would come to me alone this time. Since I know that he also likes to spend time alone with me from time to time, I didn't ask any further.
Josh nods his head sheepishly and mumbles a quiet “Yes”.
“Say, didn't Marco have a girlfriend?“ I try to steer the conversation in a different direction.
“Nah, not anymore. Broke up with her last week.”
“Do you have a girlfriend?” I cautiously ask my son. He raises his head in surprise and looks at me with wide eyes.
“Nah, not at the moment,“ he replies quickly. I have to smile. I love his direct and dry manner.
“Well, not at the moment, but is it planned?” I press him further.
“I don't know, not yet,” he replies somewhat indecisively.
“Have you asked Marco if he has chosen the same thing and that's where his displeasure might come from?”
“He said no, he wants to take a break for a while and be on his own for a bit.”
Surprised, I look at Josh. “Did he say that?”
“Yes.”
“Hm...” I let it hang in the air for a moment. I struggle with myself as to whether or not to ask Joshua the question that is going around in my head. How will he react to it? Josh looks for my gaze and now sees that I am thinking about something.
“Go on, spit it out, what's on your mind,” he now throws at me. I have to smile. It's always like that with us. Everyone sees when something is bothering the other and we always challenge each other to openly express our thoughts, however hard or abstract they may be. I slowly begin to speak.
“Say, have you ever thought about whether Marco might be gay?“ I ask my son cautiously.
“Nah,” he replies immediately, his eyes the size of mill wheels. “Marco is the ultimate ladies' man, he could never be into guys.”
“Well, I've heard that it happens,“ I grin at him. Now Josh can't hold back either, and in the next moment his eyes are sparkling again.
“Just because you changed your mind at some point and now like guys doesn't mean that everyone else has to do the same,” he says with a laugh. Yes, yes, my son, always quick-witted.
“I'm just saying, it was just a thought,” I join in his laughter.
“Sometimes you're really crazy, you know that?“ He grins at me and just shakes his head.
“Of course, that's why you like me so much and keep coming back to me. I'm just not like the other fathers of the other guys,” I grin at him.
“But seriously,” Josh takes up my thought again, ”do you really think so?”
“I can't tell you, I don't know Marco that well. After all, he's only here with you every four weeks. But if I'm being honest, I can also remember some situations with you two that were a bit conspicuous. Well, you're teenagers... I mean... guys together... that's normal,” I add, somewhat haltingly.
Josh's face turns red at my words. Caught, I think and grin inwardly.
“Hey, there's nothing to it. It's not for nothing that I had a conversation with you at some point, that you should decide for yourself what you like and that you shouldn't be afraid to try it out. I just suspect that in the meantime it was probably something like what I described to you back then. You have always been very open about your father being gay. As advice, I told you that it is likely that boys will try something with you. For them, the thought is pretty obvious: since your father is gay, why not you too? They can't necessarily know that this is not the case, can they?”
Yes, we had this conversation once. I know how his mother feels about homosexuality. And more than once he has described in tears how much she has dragged on me. This was always very painful for Josh, as he loved me from an early age and knows that my sexual orientation has not changed the way I feel about him or the relationship between us. Ultimately, he was also too young to really have a problem with it; he grew up knowing that I was into men.
At some point, after he had told me about it, it occurred to me that he was open with me and that it might be useful to prepare him for one thing or another. I realized, probably also triggered by his mother's insults, that he always got very tense when another boy put an arm around his shoulder or made a joke along the lines that he might also be into men.
Once the situation escalated in my presence with a friend and this gave me a lot to think about for a long time. Joshua would get angry over a small thing and rail against his gay father. His friend just looked at him irritated and said that he would gladly trade places with him. Josh could have his father, who was nowhere near as understanding and easy to get along with. If Josh no longer wanted me, he would take me any time. Sure, that was a frontal attack and Joshua realized at that moment that his gay father, with his manner and his way of dealing with people, could obviously also be interesting for others. The only logical consequence for him was that this was the last time for the boy to visit us together.
With Marco it was different from the start. He took part in the usual romping around and testing of strength that Josh and I always did to greet each other, without any shyness. He was in the middle of it and threw himself at me without warning. I was so surprised at first that I just went to the ground. Josh thought it was great and threw himself at us too. So the ice was broken and I suddenly had two opponents. Both are extremely ticklish, so with a few unfair maneuvers, I quickly had the upper hand again and again and the two boys were always lying on the floor laughing a short time later.
So it happened that I noticed very early on one of our weekends how the tension between the two guys kept building up throughout the day. Sometimes it's also because I myself am very sensitive to the topic of “boys among themselves” and my experiences with it. Anyway, after dinner I left the two to themselves and went to bed early with my book. The last instruction was to shower, because they were very sweaty during the day. From my bed, I heard Marco ask Josh if they shouldn't take a shower together again, like they used to do. From Josh's voice, I could tell that he wasn't very enthusiastic about the idea.
Josh had disappeared in the bathroom and I heard the sound of the shower. A short time later, I heard a soft giggle and the clatter of the bathroom door. Marco, I thought to myself and smiled. Joshua, who was probably happily standing in the shower and thinking of no evil, suddenly cried out in surprise and then I heard them both laugh. Okay, everything's fine so far, I thought, and refrained from calling the two boys to order. A little later, Josh came out of the bathroom and Marco had jumped into the shower. Joshua stuck his head into my room and wished me a good night.
Eventually I fell asleep and the boys sat in the living room watching TV. When they got tired, they went over to bed. In the guest room, which Joshua always moves into when he's with me, there is a double bed so that the two of them can always sleep together. Josh had apparently adopted the ritual of chatting in bed for a while and followed the habit with Marco. Apparently they were louder than they realized, because suddenly I was awake again and heard them laughing in the next room. They were busy with their Nintendos and enjoyed playing together. “Can you play against each other with these things too?” it briefly crossed my mind. But anyway, I turned around and tried to go back to sleep. Which I couldn't do with all the giggling.
A short time later, a situation arose along the lines of “What a parent doesn't really want to know about their children.” I was on my way to the bathroom to empty my bladder, quietly sneaking past the guest room and only half-listening to Marco's voice. “Feel it, it's totally hard.” I stopped abruptly and wondered if I had just misheard. Josh resisted a little at first, but then apparently gave in. A soft groan could be heard. “Now stick it in somewhere,” Marco's voice was heard again. Oookaaay, I thought to myself, and quickly disappeared into the bathroom as quietly as possible. Once there, I sorted through my thoughts for a brief moment and wondered how I should best react to the situation. My decision was to ignore it. If they wanted to try these things, then they should have the space and the opportunity to do so. Who knows where they would otherwise get the chance. I would have been glad if I had had this opportunity back then. Some things in my life would have turned out differently.
The next morning we were all sitting at the breakfast table and no one mentioned the previous night. At least not officially, but the furtive and knowing look between Josh and Marco was unmistakable.
I couldn't just blurt this information, which was now flashing through my mind, to Josh in our conversation. I suspect that it would have brought the blush of shame to his face again if he knew that I had witnessed at least part of the nocturnal action. Nevertheless, this was the point that led me to my suspicion regarding Marco. So, what's the best way for me to get a possible explanation without it being too embarrassing for Joshua with me, after all, I am the dad somewhere.
As is well known, openness is the best strategy for attack and I'm quite good at mirroring, so I'll jump in at the deep end again and reveal to my son one of those wonderful stories that you never want to know about parents and the images of which you never forget.
“You know, I also had a friend once, similar to Marco. Back then, I didn't know as much about myself as I do now and couldn't understand many of his reactions. We got along great, played a lot of pranks and were inseparable. At some point, the relationship between us became more and more tense, which I couldn't understand at all, since I was acting the same as always. He withdrew more and more and weighed every word I said. It was totally exhausting. Well, we still spent time together because he didn't want to miss it either. One weekend he stayed overnight again and that's when it happened. I was totally surprised, I would never have expected that from him, after all, we had known each other forever. But we were once again totally tense. One thing led to another and suddenly we were wrestling on the floor. Before I knew it, I had a bleeding nose and was lying under him. He sat on my stomach and held my wrists down on the floor next to my head. I was totally confused and had no idea how it could have come to this. A glance at his face showed me that I must have put up quite a fight, because his left eye was adorned with a neat black eye. Suddenly he slowly lowered his head and before I knew it his lips touched mine. He kissed me. I was so surprised that I just stayed lying there and instinctively kissed him back.”
Joshua looked at me with wide eyes. I hadn't told him this story yet. It's interesting how some things seem to repeat themselves over and over again.
“And what happened next?” he asked me when I didn't continue.
“He confessed to me that evening that he had fallen in love with me, had noticed it all this time and never knew how to tell me. He was also very afraid of my reaction because our friendship was very important to him.”
“And,” Joshua asked me with a wry smile, ”were you together after that?”
“No, we weren't. As I said, I wasn't as aware of myself then as I am today. I was still convinced that I liked girls and unfortunately I had to turn him down. Of course, it wasn't easy for me, after all, he was my friend. But I couldn't have given him what he wanted from me back then.”
Josh and I sat at the table in silence for a while, each lost in our own thoughts.
“Marco has never kissed me,” Josh suddenly said. I looked at him questioningly. ‘Well, we've played with each other a little,’ my son admitted, his ears glowing red and a mischievous grin on his face. ‘But not anymore,’ he quickly added.
“Boys will be boys,” I said, shrugging my shoulders. ”It's normal at your age.”
“And how should I continue with him?” Joshua looked at me questioningly.
“It's best if you continue to approach him and don't let him down. If there is something in it, he will come to you and tell you at some point. Just try to handle it as usual, be open and see what happens. If his behavior continues to deteriorate, you can always keep your distance.”
“And what do I do if he actually tells me at some point that he's gay? Or even worse, that he has a crush on me?”
“What did you do when I told you I was gay?”
“That's completely different, Dad.” Josh replies testily and takes a nervous breath.
“No, it's not,” I counter. ”What should be different about it? If Marco were to be gay, and that's just a guess of mine, what would change for you? Marco remains Marco, no more and no less. You just have to know for yourself what you want at this moment. Do you want to or can you return his feelings or not. There is no other question.”
“But if he has fallen in love with me, he can't do that. I'm not into guys.” Josh looks at me desperately and fidgets with his hands. Suddenly, I have the feeling that he is close to tears. ‘Oh dear, what have I done now? Me with my imagination and my quick assumptions,’ it crosses my mind. I quickly get up and take Josh in my arms. He presses close to me and one or two tears actually roll down his cheek. I slowly stroke his head and hold him tight. When he has calmed down again, I look him in the eye.
“If you don't feel the same way about Marco as he does about you, that's okay too. You can't always return the feelings of the other person. That hurts, sure, but I think you know what it's like yourself and have probably experienced it before. Of course, it's even worse when you know that you're hurting this person deeply, precisely because you like them a lot, but you just can't return the feeling. In this moment, it's important to be sincere and open and not to completely reject the other person. It will certainly take a while for you to get back on track, but if your friendship is as strong as I suspect, then you'll manage it. Believe me, even if it's hard right now,” I reply, smiling at him. ”Dominik and I did it too. Now we're both glad that we got through that time together and were able to spend so many more happy hours together, even though we never became a couple, even though I realized at some point that I also like men.”
“I certainly won't recognize that,” Josh admits half under me and nudges me lightly in the side. Slowly I let him go and nudge him back. We start laughing and the serious mood slowly dissipates.
Well, what can I say. A few weeks have passed since our conversation. So far, I have not been told any more about Marco and his behavior, but if something should happen, I will surely hear about it at some point. Sometimes I wonder if it's really so good for Joshua to have a gay father; sometimes he has a hard time with it. Not only the teasing and meanness at school, but also the prejudices he encounters and has to defend himself against time and again. Will this ease up at some point?
On the other hand, I also have the feeling that he is grateful for the insights into a world that he would otherwise not have access to. In addition, we both cultivate our openness and the opportunity to exchange ideas in a carefree way, even if it sometimes takes a lot of effort. As Josh once said: “First and foremost, you are a good friend, and second, you are also my father.” And one thing is for sure, no matter how he develops, I will always stand by him and love him. After all, that's the least I can do for him. And who knows how everything will develop, maybe there will be a sequel to this story at some point. I'm excited.