07-10-2025, 03:23 PM
Foreword
One of the details that I changed while revising the story is the age of Paul and the other characters. In "We're the Pet Shop Boys," Paul was still 18 and in the 13th grade of a FOS, while in "Liberation," I lowered his age to 17, so he is now in the 12th grade. At the time, I had chosen 13th grade and 18 as his age because I was 18 during the creation of the story and was also in the 13th grade then. Since many of the characters, especially Paul himself, were based on my real life, it made the most sense to me at the time. Although I was still 17 at the time of my inner coming out, everything else fit chronologically. The reason I changed the age now is that upon closer consideration, I found it somewhat unusual for Paul to have his inner coming out only at 18. No question, such cases exist – for many gay individuals, 18 might even be quite early – but somehow 17 felt more realistic for this story after long reflection. While this makes the story feel less personal for me, I think it will seem a bit more logical to most other readers.
All of this is fine and good, but some readers might wonder what the point of this story is after reading it. It is essentially a classic and sometimes somewhat predictable coming-out story with a lot of clichés, similar to countless others already present on this site. But perhaps it will entertain some or at least distract from all the negativity out there for a short time – if that were the case, I would actually be satisfied. And besides – just because something exists in a similar form many times does not mean it has to be bad; on the contrary. Personally, I enjoy reading every coming-out story anew, no matter how many similar ones I have read before, and I never have anything against a good love story. It seems that many other readers feel the same way, as otherwise, stories of this kind would hardly be so frequent, right? So why not publish or read another one? This story may not be artistically valuable or innovative, but I still hope that some readers will find joy in it.
Back to the topic of logic briefly: I don’t want to give away any content here, but some will surely wonder how realistic it is that all of this happens in such a short time. Admittedly, it is extremely unlikely, and I am aware of that (and sometimes I had to roll my eyes a bit while proofreading, I admit it). On the other hand, the two alternatives would have been to write the story in such a way that there are always time jumps of several weeks or months between the individual events, which, in my opinion, would have disrupted the flow of reading a bit, or to simply omit individual plot elements completely, which would have been more realistic but, honestly, also more boring. Therefore, it is now in this form – not everything has to be close to reality; sometimes fantasy is simply much more beautiful.
Finally, a brief note about the Pet Shop Boys quotes in this story. I originally included them in the original story because, first, I wanted to (to be honest, I originally started writing the story just to incorporate the quotes somewhere) and, second, they were and are in a way the "soundtrack of my life," however strange that may sound.
While revising the original story into "Liberation," I thought long about whether to remove the song lyrics or keep them – in the end, I obviously decided to keep them. I know that most readers may not find much meaning in them, but somehow I still found the idea beautiful, and in a way, these quotes are also the unique feature of the story. So here’s my tip: If someone doesn’t see any sense in the song lyrics, they should just skip them; the story works just as well without them.
By the way, I only realized afterward that the idea of using song lyrics in stories is not new and has been practiced here on Nickstorys.de very often. Back when I was writing the original version, I thought I was incredibly revolutionary... null
Since there is hardly a feeling or life situation about which the Pet Shop Boys have not written a song, it was not so difficult to find the appropriate quotes for each part of the story. Nevertheless, some PSB nerds might notice that some of the lyrics come from songs that actually deal with a completely different situation than what is described in the story. A prime example is perhaps the song "To face the truth," which is actually quite clearly about the end of a relationship. Still, I incorporated it after the coming-out scene in this story, as the two lines "It hurts too much to face the truth / To face the truth" fit very well in my opinion. Furthermore, I often focused more on the overall mood of a song rather than ensuring that the content matched the story exactly. Most readers probably won't care anyway, but I wanted to mention it just to be safe.
So, that was enough preliminary remarks for now, which I believe were necessary to explain the context of the story a bit. There isn't much more to say for now, except of course, enjoy reading!
Chapter 1
"The night is a time to explore who you are
Are you what you want to be?
Could you really be a star?
Sometimes you want something you never had
In the middle of the night, you can let yourself go slightly mad"
The ringing of the alarm clock jolted me roughly out of sleep. Who doesn't know that feeling? One moment you're deep in the most beautiful dreams, and the next moment reality catches up with you – and out of bed you go, unfortunately. It's not easy being a student.
The dream I was pulled out of today was somehow different. As far as I could remember, it was nice, but primarily strange. I had been cuddling with someone, but who? Was I mistaken, or was it one of my friends? No, definitely not, that couldn't be.
After I silenced the alarm clock with a well-aimed hit (serves it right) for the next twenty-four hours, I got up and, still a bit dazed, went to the bathroom to prepare for another school day. I had already forgotten the mentioned dream and instead went through the expected events of the day in my mind.
By the way, my name is Paul. I am 17 years old, have short dark blonde hair, and I am in the 12th grade of a vocational school (FOS). The latter was also the reason why I had to get up so early. After breakfast, I first went to the train station and then took the S-Bahn, which was only two minutes late today, to school, which was located quite centrally in Munich. Since we lived in a small suburb, this meant I had to spend quite a bit of time on the train every day, but this problem could easily be solved with a good book. Or alternatively with school materials, if I had been too lazy to study the day before, but that never happened. After all, I was also too lazy to do that on the S-Bahn...
I really couldn't concentrate on reading today, so I somewhat dreamily observed the various commuters who shared the terrible fate of having to take an S-Bahn at just after seven in the morning. A bit further away, someone was on the phone in a language completely foreign to me, which apparently prompted the man to speak a little louder, since no one would understand him anyway. The woman sitting across from me had a small notebook open in front of her and was quickly sketching all kinds of people sitting with her on the train. And the boy back there, who had just boarded, actually looked quite nice… Stop! No, certainly not. But the girl one door over was quite nice. Much more attractive! Or?
"But every now and then, often at night
a particular feeling would surface in spite
of what I’d told myself and tried to deny
I kept on asking the question: why?"
Upon arriving at school, my mood was quite mixed. On one hand, I was subconsciously still a bit confused about my feelings, even though I was convincing myself that they didn't exist. Besides, I was still tired, and the thought of the upcoming classes didn't make me any happier. However, I was looking forward to seeing my friends and classmates.
"Morning," I greeted Felix, with whom I had been in the same class for six years now and who had become one of my best friends during that time. We had met in secondary school and then went to FOS together. He responded with a still somewhat sleepy "Hi," but soon engaged me in a conversation about which of our subjects today was the most unnecessary – we agreed on religion – which ended in a small competition about who was least interested in all of it today. This was eventually interrupted by our economics teacher, who came in and tried to teach us all about the use of results. With varying success.
I really couldn't concentrate on the class because I was too distracted by Simon, who was sitting diagonally in front of me. I had been in the same class with him since we came to FOS two years ago, and we had become quite good friends, although I didn't know him as well as other long-time friends. Anyway, he looked quite good sitting there – he was of average height and build for our age, maybe even a bit slender, his light brown to dark blonde hair was cut into a perfectly styled haircut from all sides, and the clothes he wore just looked perfect on him, even though they were just ordinary jeans and sweaters. Occasionally, he would turn around and smile at me when our eyes met, which triggered a strangely warm feeling in me every time.
"Paul?" Mr. Bergmüller's voice interrupted my daydreams.
"Hm?"
"Could you perhaps answer my question? How do we find out the annual surplus after calculating the balance profit?"
"Um… Sorry, I was just a bit distracted…," I replied somewhat embarrassed.
"I noticed, yes. Next time, please pay better attention, okay?"
If it were only that easy. It was only after I had subconsciously admired Simon for a while that I suddenly became aware of what I was doing. And it shocked me. How could this be, I thought. He is a boy. I am not gay. And I don’t want to be. I tried for a while to find arguments for why I had to be into girls, and when I was somewhat convinced, I decided to distract myself by actually paying attention in class. Simon continued to throw me occasional glances, but I ignored him and stared blankly past him at the board.
The rest of the day passed by without me really noticing much of it. During breaks, Felix, Simon, Lukas, whom I also knew since the beginning of FOS, and I talked about all sorts of things, but I wasn’t really present, which Felix noticed as well. After class, he brought it up on the way home:
“Hey, what’s going on with you today? You seem so distant…”
“Oh nothing, just didn’t sleep well,” I tried to brush it off. It sounded only somewhat convincing, but at least we changed the subject and made some silly jokes about various teachers instead of talking about deeper things.
“I’m building a wall, a fine wall
Not so much to keep you out
more to keep me in”
Chapter 2
“See boy strange on the horizon of love
he’s calling to you
What do you say?
See boy strange as an example of youth
so close to the truth
but still far away
And he’s such a strange boy
will he make a good exchange for
the one before the closed door
that you left behind?”
Once home, I first set about tackling the mountain of homework for the day – although I was somewhat unfocused while doing so. When the obligations for that day were finally done, I sat down on my bed and thought about a part of my life that I had been suppressing until now.
When I had just turned 16, my little sister Marie had asked me when I would finally come out as gay since I seemed to fit every sign of it. Just for fun. And it really shouldn’t have bothered me; after all, I wasn’t. Sure, I had never had a girlfriend, but that was probably more due to my shyness. But what else?
The problem was that since that day, I had been haunted by a certain fear of actually being gay. For all those years, I had always denied it, looked for arguments for why I couldn’t be, and tried to appear as hetero as possible to others. Not that they would start thinking anything about me.
I could probably deceive everyone very well, but the doubts remained with me, growing stronger day by day, my counterarguments becoming weaker. How could this be? I didn’t want this! Why me?
Until two or three weeks ago, I was still sure that this could only be a phase, that it was normal and would pass. My very last shield behind which I could hide for a while longer. But in hindsight, I also realized that this couldn’t go on. Sooner or later, I had to face the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it seemed. Sure, I could have kept going like this, and probably no one but myself would have ever had doubts about my sexuality, but then what? Get married, have kids, grow old – always plagued by self-doubt and never really happy?
I had started to at least engage with the topic of homosexuality. Not that it would affect me, I had told myself at first, just to inform myself. For two years, I had repressed everything that even remotely related to the topic – people, movies, even the Pet Shop Boys, my absolute favorite band, I had only listened to with a guilty conscience.
By now, I had at least reached a point where my fear of the topic had somewhat diminished. I was still sure that I was into girls, even though everything was so obvious. I just couldn’t admit it to myself.
Until today. The looks from Simon, my strange feeling about it – all of that had awakened something in me, and after all these years, I was on the verge of finally opening a door that I had wanted to keep panically shut.
“Guess there’s no place to hide, when you’re screaming inside
There’s no place to hide, when you’re screaming inside”
I took my phone, opened an anonymous internet browser just in case, and typed with trembling fingers the words “gay coming out” into the search bar. It was the first time I had explicitly searched for this topic, and also the first time I admitted to myself that it could affect me.
The DBNA website was displayed, which I had heard of before – but until then, I had never dared to click on it. This time, I did. I read one article after another on the topic of “internal coming out” and “how do I know if I’m gay,” and I noticed with a certain relief that what I had hidden from all these years and what I simply didn’t want to acknowledge was indeed true. I was gay. Not what I wanted. But well, it couldn’t be changed. And now? Now it was over, no more internal hiding from myself. Still slightly trembling, I put my phone down and fell onto my bed, feeling strangely liberated.
“Then we went on, after hours, there was a place down below
It was there I realised the meaning of the show
You’ve got to love, to learn to live, where angels fear to tread
You need to cast off any guilt or shame
When thunder roars and lightning scores, you’ll still be glad you’d came
Are you gonna go to the Sodom and Gomorrah show?
It’s got everything you need for your complete entertainment and instruction
Sun, sex, sin, divine intervention, death and destruction
The Sodom and Gomorrah show is a once-in-a-lifetime production”
In the evening, I was strangely cheerful and somehow relieved. What I had been most afraid of for the last two years had come true. Actually not good. But objectively speaking, it wasn’t as bad as I had feared. Yes, I would have to say goodbye to many ideal notions and life goals, and it certainly wouldn’t always be easy. But otherwise? Otherwise, I could live my life the way I obviously wanted, even if it had taken me some time to figure that out.
I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time, so I lay awake in my bed and thought for the second time that day about my life, this time much more positively than in the afternoon. When I finally fell asleep, I was surprisingly happy.
Chapter 3
“Ask me why, I’ll say it’s most unusual
How can I even try to explain why today I feel like dancing
singing like lovers sing, when I wouldn’t normally do this kind of thing?
I wouldn’t normally do this kind of thing”
Once again, the ringing of the alarm clock jolted me awake. My first thought was: Already? My second: I don’t want to. My third: I’m gay. And then all the memories of the previous day slowly came back.
As I was on my way to the train station, nearly freezing – in moments like these, I hated winter – it somehow felt as if people could see what was going on inside me. As if I had changed overnight, as if they were all curiously scrutinizing me. The thought of being gay suddenly felt extremely strange, and although I was still the same person as yesterday, everything felt different.
Upon arriving at school, Felix gave me the latest news about the party that was supposed to take place at his place this Friday. Not only some people from our current class would come, but especially our friend group from middle school. I was really looking forward to seeing certain people again.
“By the way, Lena is coming too,” Felix mentioned and winked at me meaningfully.
“Uh-huh. Great,” I replied less than enthusiastically. I liked Lena; she was a good friend. For a while, I thought I had a crush on her, but I soon realized that wasn’t the case. That, however, didn’t seem to stop everyone else from wanting to set us up. That Lena herself wouldn’t have been opposed to it was somewhat of an open secret.
“Come on, Paul, I know you like her. And she likes you. You’d be perfect together,” Felix said, unwilling to let go of this topic.
“Not so loud,” I murmured more to myself and looked a bit embarrassed around the classroom to see if anyone had noticed. Of course, Simon and Lukas both had grins on their faces.
“Are you not going to introduce her to us on Friday, Paul?” Simon teased me. “I’d really like to meet her.”
"Yeah, let's see." I replied shortly and for the first time in my life, I was glad that our math teacher, Mr. Krämer, just walked in. "Sorry," Felix whispered to me, who had obviously noticed that I felt a bit uncomfortable with the topic, and then the class began.
Even today, I could only half-follow the lesson, and once again, Simon was the reason for it. Since I had now admitted to myself that I was probably gay, I could think about such things without too much guilt. Was I mistaken, or did he look even better today than yesterday? Occasionally, he turned back to me, and while I was shocked yesterday that I was even thinking about him, today I wondered why he did that. Well, he was probably just being nice; it's not unusual to smile at a friend. But didn't he realize what he was doing to me? He looked so sweet when he beamed at me. And every time he turned around, I would have loved to take him in my arms and cuddle up to him.
But I should rather not have such thoughts, because he was probably just as straight as everyone else, and if he ever found out, I could easily imagine that he wouldn't be too thrilled about it. Maybe I should just try to find a boyfriend, I thought, because then I wouldn't have to constantly crush on people I had no chance with, who wouldn't be okay with it either.
"It’s mad, to be in love with someone else
When you’re in love with he, she’s in love with me
but you know as well as I do
I can never think of anyone but you, all my life
Play with fire, play with guns
it’s easy to impress someone
Turning in my sleep, you called me a fool
To fall in love, is it so uncool?
Now I want to wake up
How I want to wake up"
The rest of the week passed surprisingly quickly. In my free time, I continued to inform myself about homosexuality, coming out, and everything related to it. The fears I had until then gradually diminished, and I was able to come to terms with being gay more and more each day. I often wondered why it had taken me so long to accept it, as I had often felt bad about it before and was plagued by self-doubt. But it wasn't so bad now. So why the fear?
Outwardly, I initially felt strange, as if I were suddenly someone else and everyone would notice, but I quickly realized that wasn't the case. On the contrary, no one seemed to have noticed anything, neither in my family nor among my friends. This helped me to become a bit more relaxed and I gradually managed to forget about the topic and return to a certain normality.
Overall, everything was going quite well. Until Friday.
Chapter 4
"I’d rather die than satisfy their curiosity
I’m kind of shy and dry and verging on ugly
They wonder what that I have got that they have not
They’ll never understand that none of that matters
Every boy and man feeling lonely
can’t understand why you’d be with me
Furthermore, we laugh and we draw
more attention every day so they say
Bet she’s not your girlfriend
Oh no, you couldn’t make her happy”
It was Friday, school was over, and I was full of anticipation for the party tonight at Felix's. I briefly considered what a gay person should wear and ended up with what I always wore. It would be even worse otherwise. After that, I spent a few minutes in front of the mirror – not that I was particularly meticulous, but my appearance did matter to me to some extent – and when I deemed the result acceptable, I quickly packed my things, said goodbye to my mother, and set off.
When I arrived at Felix's, things were already happening, so I mingled with the attendees after grabbing a suitable drink in the kitchen. Laura, Maja, Emma, Hannah, and Julian, whom I knew from my old class in secondary school, were already there. And Lena. I was somewhat afraid of encountering her, but I smiled at her as I entered the room. Only Simon and Lukas were missing, who lived a bit further away and always took a little longer.
“And Paul, how’s it going? Long time no see!” Julian greeted me, with whom Felix and I had laughed a lot in secondary school. It was nice to see him again after we had unfortunately had little to do with each other following our school transfer and the start of his training.
“Everything’s great, and you?” I replied.
“Yeah, things are going pretty well. What’s new with you guys?”
“Oh, nothing really.” A small part of me would have liked to answer that I was gay by now; on one hand, I wanted people to know and to deal with it openly. Thankfully, the part that preferred to handle it more cautiously and keep it secret for now maintained control.
After Julian moved on and I had briefly lost myself in thought, Lena suddenly stood next to me.
“Hi,” she said and smiled at me.
With Lena, as I said, it was a bit complicated. I liked her a lot – as a friend. And there was a time when I saw more than just a friend in her. Since I enjoyed being with her so much, I thought for a while that I was in love with her, but I quickly realized that wasn’t the case. Now I know that I was probably just looking for a girlfriend to prove to myself that I was into girls. So it was good that nothing more had happened between us back then, as she didn’t deserve to be "used" by me for such purposes.
The thing was that it was a kind of open secret that Lena had indeed had feelings for me for a while – hence Felix's comment the other day at school. In the eyes of our friends, we were probably seen as the perfect couple that just needed to find each other – at least that was the impression I sometimes had. As I said, I had sensed at some point that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us, and that had now been confirmed, but unfortunately, she didn’t know anything about it. And I couldn’t tell her that she should look for someone who deserved her, since, first, I officially didn’t know that she had feelings for me, second, I didn’t want to hurt her, and third, I would have had to explain why it couldn’t work. And for the last point, the question of why, I had only gotten the answer myself a few days ago, namely, that I was gay.
“Hey. How are you?” I replied, smiling back a bit uncertainly.
“Pretty okay so far. How’s it going with you?”
“It’s alright. Everything’s good.”
At that moment, Simon and Lukas came into the room, having just arrived. My gaze immediately fell on Simon, who looked stunning as always. However, his expression seemed a bit clouded for a moment as he looked in my and Lena's direction, then he put on a smile that unfortunately wasn’t as endearing as usual and came over to us.
“Hey, hey! You must be Lena, right? I’ve heard a lot about you!” he greeted us both. Lukas stood a step behind him and grinned at me. I was a bit confused for a moment about what to do and therefore let Lena do the talking.
“That’s right. And you are…?”
“Simon. Paul and I know each other from the FOS.”
“Oh yes, he and Felix have told me about you. You must be Lukas?” she asked, nodding in his direction.
“Exactly,” Lukas replied.
“And what have you heard about me, Simon?” Lena asked now. “Only good things, I hope!”
"Sure, of course. But nothing specific otherwise..." Simon replied somewhat hesitantly and threw me a quick glance that I couldn't quite interpret. Questioning, perhaps a bit dejected, uncertain. Then he smiled again as if nothing had happened, saying he didn't want to disturb us further and said goodbye in the direction of Felix and Julian, who were currently engaged in a lively discussion with Emma and Maja about something. The music, apparently. As if there was still much to discuss, when it was clear that each of them had no taste in music in their own way, right?
"Paul? What's wrong?" Lena suddenly asked.
"Hm?"
"You seem so absent and have been staring at the two of them the whole time. Is everything really okay with you?"
"Oh, yes, everything's fine, just a bit distracted..." I replied, slightly embarrassed. Was it really that obvious that I was looking at Simon longer than usual?
"Distracted, huh," Lena grinned now. "And that, even though you're talking to me? What a thing..."
"Well, hehe, it's just that there's a lot going on at school right now, you know? So I guess I can be a bit unfocused sometimes..." I tried to explain somehow while secretly wondering how I had managed to get myself into such an unnecessarily awkward situation again for no real reason.
"Sure, everything's fine, it's okay. I think there's food now, right?" Lena said, thankfully not wanting to press further.
In fact, the pizzas that Felix had ordered for us had just been delivered, so we all sat down together at the table and ate. Although Lena and I were sitting next to each other, since we weren't alone anymore, we joked more with the others and talked about all sorts of things. After that, we played various games, which I mostly lost (but as the saying goes, bad luck in games, good luck in love), before someone had the idea to turn the music up even louder, after which we all gradually started dancing and goofing around. It was sometimes hard to distinguish between the two with us anyway. And even though I had absolutely no sense of rhythm in such situations, I still had fun, even me. Until the moment when Lena slowly came closer to me and almost touched me while dancing. She was definitely not being pushy, but rather cautious, yet still clearly so. Maybe she had had one too many drinks after all? No, definitely not; she wasn't too keen on that.
In hindsight, I don't know why I did what I did. It was quite hasty and thoughtless, but on the other hand, it felt like the only option. In any case, I thought to myself at that moment that this couldn't continue between us. She deserved someone who could really love her, unlike me, and besides, I felt that our friendship would ultimately suffer if I already had an uncomfortable feeling about being with her sometimes. So I gathered all my courage, smiled at her somewhat uncertainly, and said, "Hey, can we maybe talk outside for a moment?"
"Sure, anytime." She looked briefly pleased, then seemed to notice from my expression that something was wrong.
We made our way out of the room towards the front door, and I felt like we were being thrown a few curious glances here and there. I started to tremble a bit and felt hot. Was this really a good idea? I could still just back out. No, it had to be done, I encouraged myself.
Once outside, we walked a few steps down the street; I didn't want anyone to overhear us in the end. Lena looked at me questioningly from the side but followed me without objection.
"What's wrong?" she finally asked when I still hadn't said a word. I probably seemed totally unfriendly, but it just felt like my throat was constricted.
"Nothing, um, well..." I managed to say, not very cleverly.
"Did I get too close to you in there? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that..."
"Hm, it's fine." I said. I couldn't do this.
"No, obviously not. What's going on with you? Is everything okay?" she continued, and now her voice suddenly sounded empathetic, and I remembered exactly why I valued her so much as a friend.
"So, yes, everything's fine, but... um..."
"Come on, Paul, spit it out. Whatever you want to say, I won't be mad at you for it."
"So, I'm sorry, I've noticed that you might be imagining more between us, but that unfortunately won't work. It just can't..." I stammered, staring past her into the darkness.
"Yeah, I figured that. It's okay. You don't have to say why, but I hope I didn't do anything wrong or hurt you in any way?" she replied somewhat dejectedly but composed.
"No, it's not your fault. It's just... um..."
"Yeah?"
"So... promise me you won't tell anyone, okay?" Oh God, I really couldn't do this. I was scared of her reaction, I was shaking all over, I suddenly felt much hotter again, and I could barely speak straight.
"Of course, Paul. You can trust me, okay?"
"I'm... well, um... I... am gay." Did I really just say that? What had I done? What if she didn't understand, what if she went back inside and told everyone? Why didn't I just leave it alone? Doubts overwhelmed me, and suddenly I was really afraid of what could happen next.
"Oh, okay. That's a bit... unexpected, but not bad!" she said softly, smiling encouragingly at me. I still couldn't believe that this was really happening.
When I didn't respond, still staring past her into the darkness, she stepped closer and put her arm around my shoulder.
"You don't have to be afraid, okay? I have no problem with it, and I won't tell anyone unless you explicitly allow me to, okay?" she said gently. "Admittedly, I didn't expect this and I'm a bit disappointed, as I could have imagined more with you... as you said... but you can't help how I feel. And I'll always stand by you, no matter what happens."
"Thank you," I finally managed to say, even though I still felt unable to speak.
"You're welcome. That's what friends are for, right?" she smiled at me now. I only nodded slowly.
"Should we go back inside, or do you want to calm down a bit first?" It felt strange to be cared for by her like this, but I was just infinitely grateful to her at that moment.
"Just a bit longer. I don't think I can go back in there now..." I murmured quietly, astonished that I could obviously speak again. At the same time, I felt a certain panic about going back inside with the others and pretending nothing had happened. I was relieved, but still extremely unsure, and it felt like everyone could see what had happened if we went back in now.
"Hm, I understand... If you want, we can take a short walk and talk about it...?" Lena asked cautiously.
"I don't think I can talk much right now; I'm still shaking too much when I speak..." I tried to laugh, but it didn't really work. Maybe I should just go home and calm down?
"Okay. Maybe you need a little quiet time first, right?" Lena said exactly what I had just been thinking. "We can go inside quickly, grab your things, you say goodbye to Felix and tell him you're not feeling well... Right?"
"Yes, you're right!" Together we walked back to the house where Felix lived. "And thank you!" I said quietly just before we reached the front door.
Inside, it was extremely hot and loud compared to the cold night air outside. In a trance, I followed Lena back to the others, still unable to fully grasp what had just happened.
"Hey, where have you two been?" Felix greeted us, looking at us curiously.
"Oh, just getting some fresh air; he wasn't feeling well," Lena replied, thankfully for me—I didn't feel like I could speak right now.
"Oh, okay? Is everything alright again, Paul?" Felix asked. He sounded a bit concerned now, his grin fading.
"Yeah, I'm fine again..." I stammered. "But I think I'd rather go home and rest a bit..."
"Hm, that's too bad, but if you think so, that's probably best..."
"Yeah, probably. Thanks again for the invitation; I still had a lot of fun!" I managed to say, and then Lena accompanied me to the hallway, where I quickly packed my backpack and got dressed again.
"Are you leaving already?" I suddenly heard Simon's voice behind me. He stood in the doorway between the living room and the hallway, the party in full swing behind him. I couldn't read his expression.
"Yeah, unfortunately I'm not feeling well. But I'll see you on Monday at school."
"Okay, that's too bad. Have a good trip home and get well soon!"
"Thanks," I stammered, smiled at him a bit awkwardly, and turned to Lena, who said she would take me to the door.
"Bye," I quickly said to Simon; he smiled back at us, said "Bye, see you Monday," turned around, and went back to the others.
Finally outside in the fresh air, I felt a bit better again, and I noticed that I was regaining control over my body and calming down a bit.
"Can you make it home alone, or should I take you?" Lena asked now, still sounding a bit concerned.
"No, it's fine, thanks. Besides, I don't want to ruin your fun completely."
"Okay, as you wish. Maybe you'd like to meet again tomorrow, then you could tell me a bit more?"
"Let's see, if you want..." On one hand, I wanted to talk to her about it now that she knew, but on the other hand, the thought of discussing my being gay, which I had only accepted a few days ago, felt strange.
"Sure. If that's okay with you, of course. But you can really talk to me about anything."
"Thanks. And have fun with the others. See you tomorrow!"
"Good night, Paul. See you tomorrow!" Her gaze was loving, concerned, sad, and joyful all at once, and I would have loved to talk to her about all of it right then. After all, it probably wasn't easy for her either. But that could wait until tomorrow. I smiled gratefully at her, waved goodbye, and made my way home through the cold winter night.
"We all make a mess of our lives from time to time
It’s part of the process that you stumble as you climb
And if you ever feel the pain is far too big a deal
I say with pride I’ll be on your side
You’ve got a home here
Call it what you want, you’ve got a home here
You’re gonna want it when you can’t
face the world and you need some support to succeed
You’ve got a home"
Chapter 5
When I woke up the next morning – it was Saturday, which meant I didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night – I still hadn’t fully realized what had happened in the last few hours. My mother had been a bit surprised that I was home so early again, but she had bought my little white lie that I wasn’t feeling well and needed some rest. After I got ready for bed, I lay awake for a long time, feeling relieved about how my first outing had gone, but at the same time, doubts crept back in about whether it had been the right step or if I should have waited longer. I also worried about what would happen if all the other party guests found out somehow what had happened while I wasn’t there. That thought scared me quite a bit, but I tried to push it aside. Lena would never tell anyone, and no one could have overheard us, I thought, but an uneasy feeling remained. I finally fell asleep late at night.
At breakfast with my family the next morning, I wasn’t very talkative and my mind was on all sorts of other things. The others probably noticed, but fortunately, they didn’t bring it up. Everyone has a bad day sometimes.
After that, I checked my messages on my phone. At the top was one from Lena, asking if and when we wanted to meet today to talk. I suggested we could meet in the evening.
Additionally, Felix and, to my surprise, Simon had messaged me. Both seemed to want to know if I was feeling better. I didn’t open the messages, turned off my phone, packed my backpack, and took the subway to the city to take photos. I just needed to switch off, clear my head, and think about something else, and that worked best for me when I was wandering around with my camera in hand. I could deal with the others later; right now, I needed time for myself.
“Cross a windy bridge, one winter night
Past Embankment Gardens, enter warmth and light
Face the music (it’s never easy), forget the chill
Face the future (it’s never easy), find the will
If life is worth living, it’s got to be done
One might be forgiven for thinking it’s a life on the run
Many roads will cross through many lives
but somehow you survive”
In the evening, I met Lena for a walk. It was a bit uncomfortable due to the cold, but I didn’t want to meet at either of our homes or in a bar or café for fear of being overheard. Not that it was all that likely, but the risk felt too high. I was already struggling with the thought of even talking about it, as every thought that left my safe inner self as a word could theoretically come back to me someday.
Lena was already at our meeting point, standing in the glow of the streetlight with her jacket pulled up to the top.
I greeted her, and she seemed happy to see me. At least.
“How are you?” she asked.
Well, what was I supposed to say? On one hand, good, because she knew. And on the other hand, bad, because she knew. Complicated. To be honest, I didn’t even know the answer to the question myself.
“Um. Quite okay. At least I think so. It just feels extremely unusual that you know, and somehow the thought that it’s no longer a secret scares me. But I’m really grateful to you for reacting the way you did.”
“I understand. And… how did you… actually find out?” It seemed Lena was also struggling to find the right words, but her curiosity ultimately seemed to win out.
“Well, it had actually been obvious for a while that I just wasn’t really interested in girls and was in boys. If I had been honest with myself. But… I didn’t accept it; I didn’t want to be gay and tried to suppress it for two years, tried to convince myself that it couldn’t be true. I was just scared, and only recently did I slowly start to cautiously confront the topic. Probably because I wouldn’t have been able to hold out much longer otherwise. And eventually, my fear went away, and I could accept it for myself.”
“Oh, okay. I can imagine that it wasn’t easy…”
“Well…” Surprisingly, it felt good to talk to someone about what had been on my mind for so long and what had become my best-kept secret over time. So much so that I had even hidden and suppressed it from myself.
“Are you mad at me that nothing will come of us? I wanted it for a while, to be honest, but at some point, I just realized that it wouldn’t work. And eventually, I could also admit to myself why.” Even though it sounded strange – this question had been on my mind the whole time, as I somehow felt a twinge of guilt towards her.
"Well, ... as I said, I'm of course a bit disappointed because I didn't expect it. But somehow I already felt that you didn't want it; I just didn't know the reason, which was much worse for me. I'm actually a bit relieved that it's not my fault. But to be honest, you can't help it, so why should I be angry with you? I'm just happy for you that you've finally found yourself."
"Okay, good. I really wish you someone who can love you the way I couldn't!" I said, and even though that should have sounded pretty serious, I just couldn't help but grin at her playfully.
"Thanks." Lena laughed now too. That felt good and I liked it much better than the serious conversation we had before. "By the way, how did you even know that I wanted something from you? I mean, of course, I showed some tendencies, but was it really that obvious?"
"What? Of course it was obvious!" I couldn't help but laugh. "Felix has been telling me all the time what a perfect couple we would be. I'd rather not know what he thinks happened between us yesterday after I suddenly fled..."
"Oh." That seemed to embarrass her a bit now. "Yeah, that's true, he did look at me strangely a few times yesterday after I didn't want to say what happened, but I didn't think much of it..."
"Well, he's probably more my 'problem' in the future since I see him every day, and he definitely won't let it go that easily." I said. Well, if he just asks, he would eventually lose interest.
A cold gust of wind blew past us, causing the trees next to the sidewalk to sway restlessly. In the darkness, it looked almost ghostly. We walked a few meters silently beside each other, each lost in our thoughts.
"Is there actually someone else you have a crush on?" Lena suddenly asked. That came a bit unexpectedly, and I hadn't really thought about it myself, but...
"Well, ... um, no, not really..." I replied somewhat shyly.
"Sure? Maybe Simon?" She said it as a joke, but that hit the mark with me. I hadn't realized it myself, but now that she said it, I realized that I had been quite infatuated with him over the last few days and weeks. Embarrassing. Hopefully, I wasn't being as obvious as she was with me, because then I would have some problems.
"How did you come up with that?" I dared to ask cautiously, praying that she hadn't noticed how my voice had changed a bit, how I had become more tense.
"I think you looked at him strangely a few times yesterday. And he looked at you. But I might be mistaken, right?"
"Yeah, definitely." I tried to cover my embarrassment with a laugh, which seemed to convince her. Lucky me. Not that it would have been bad if she had known my next secret, but she didn't need to know everything. A man needs his secrets; I had read that somewhere.
We talked for a while about this and that, then we said goodbye and made our way home.
"Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself as I used to be
Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself haunting me
Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself wondering what to be
Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself searching for the key"
The next day was a Sunday and passed relatively quickly. I tried to distract myself by doing various things for school; otherwise, not much happened. I was a bit tense when I thought about the next day, as I didn't know what Felix, Simon, and Lukas would say. If they would say anything at all. From their perspective, not much had happened, yet I was still unsure.
Chapter 6
"We're meant to be friends, that's what it says in the script
Is it really the end if sometimes I stray just a bit?
Oh no! It should be poetry not prose
I'm in love with you, do you think it shows?
And everyone knows when they look at us
of course they do it must be obvious
I've never told you, now I suppose
that you're the only one who doesn't know"
(Pet Shop Boys – It must be obvious*)
At school, I was greeted by Felix, who immediately bombarded me with questions.
"Hey, what happened on Friday? Something else must have happened, right?
"No, I just suddenly didn't feel well..." I tried to deflect, but I couldn't talk my way out of it that quickly.
"Come on, something happened with Lena! Did you kiss? Or argue? I didn't get anything out of her on Friday, she just said I should ask you..."
"No, we didn't kiss, and everything is fine between us..."
"But would you like to kiss her?" Felix asked now. He had sensed an exciting topic, and generally, I could discuss the love lives of various people with him all day; it was usually fun. But not when it came to my own, and especially not if he could get closer to my secret.
"No, not really, but whatever..."
"No? Why not? You would fit so well together!"
"Well, no, we're just friends, nothing more."
"Are you sure? I somehow don't believe you. She looks good too, don't you think?" He just wouldn't give up, which I was already finding a little annoying on a Monday morning. It was exhausting.
"Yeah, I don't know, she does. But..." I didn't get any further, as Simon just walked into the classroom and approached us. I fell silent, but he seemed to have already caught on to what was going on.
"What, you don't know? Why not? She actually fits you really well..." he immediately chimed in – had everyone conspired against me now?
"Oh please, don't you start too..." I tried to fend him off, but it was probably too late.
"Imagine, he doesn't want to kiss her either," Felix interjected again.
"Really? You can't just let that opportunity pass by?" Simon grinned at me mischievously. I felt a bit worse again when I thought about whom I would actually like to kiss right now. That could not come out.
I was just thinking about how to get out of this embarrassing situation when our German teacher's arrival saved me once again. "Good morning," she announced in a voice that suggested it didn't feel like one to her. "I need some grades from you, which is why you will all be working on a project." She got straight to the point. "You will work in pairs; I have already assigned the teams to keep things from getting out of hand. Your topics are listed on the information sheet that I will hand out. Any questions?" No one raised their hand. "Who is excited and can't wait to get started?" Very funny. But fine, let's just do that too...
When she presented the group assignments she had set, I was quite surprised. I would be working with Simon. He immediately turned around and smiled at me.
Finally something positive. But at the same time, doubts crept back in. What if he started to suspect something? I definitely had to hold back on the infatuation, and overall, I should stop thinking about him, as that would lead to nothing. Except maybe to ruining the friendship. In the worst case.
We were to present the epoch of Expressionism in a presentation. Well, too soon to be happy. Simon came over to discuss our approach.
"How do you want to do this? I think we should at least meet once so we can handle everything together and prepare, right?" he suggested.
"Yeah, that's true. When would you have time?" I asked.
"Hm, maybe today? That would work well for me."
"Yeah, okay, it works for me too. Where should we meet?"
"I don't really care, but it might be a bit tricky at my place," he replied, looking at me questioningly.
"You can come over to my place if you want! My parents and my sister won't be home this afternoon anyway..." Did I really just invite him to my house? I wondered if that was such a good idea. But well, why not, we were only going to study anyway.
"Sure, I'd love to!" Simon said, beaming at me. If he only knew what havoc he was wreaking on me with that look...
"Would it be okay for you if I come right after school? Because it takes a bit of time for me to drive home and then to you," he asked.
"No problem, we can do it that way." That settled everything, and I spent the rest of the school day alternating between looking forward to the afternoon, feeling a bit anxious, and convincing myself that we just wanted to do schoolwork and that it was nothing special.
"In the air I can feel something magical becoming real
From the other side looking in
Come on throw the dice and tonight we’ll win
(Live it) It’s the story of our lives
(Don’t give it) It’s the way we’ve always been
Though the mountains may divide, we can reach the sea
And I believe, we can change, we can make it more than a dream
And I believe, we can change, it’s not as strange as it might seem”
(Pet Shop Boys – More than a dream*)
When the class finally ended, we went home together, talking about all sorts of topics on the S-Bahn, just not about the schoolwork we were supposed to be doing. Just like always. We laughed a lot, and I was relieved that I had no problem being alone with him or talking to him normally.
“Do you want to eat something?” I asked when we arrived at my place. Yes, a little snack wouldn’t be bad before we got to the mandatory part, we both thought, and so we spent a few fun minutes looking for something to eat, preparing it, and consuming it.
Afterward, we went to my room, but instead of doing German as planned, Simon first took a closer look at my shelves while we continued to chat.
Suddenly, he became serious again and asked, “Why don’t you want to be with Lena?” Just like that, without warning, and no longer teasing like in the morning in front of Felix and Lukas, but rather curious and interested.
The answer “because I’m gay” was out of the question, but otherwise, I realized that I wanted to tell him at least part of the truth. At least as much as possible. I don’t know why, but the situation was completely different than at school, where I usually just felt embarrassed.
“I don’t know. Do you know the feeling when you’re really in love with someone, when you can only think about that person and would give anything to get closer to them? I just don’t feel that with Lena. I like her; she’s a very good friend, but unfortunately, nothing more.” Wow. Did I just say that, someone who had never had a relationship in 17 years and was generally labeled as “unromantic” by his environment?
“Hmm, yeah, I think I understand what you mean. I know that feeling,” Simon replied, still serious.
“Really? What about you? Do you have a girlfriend?” I dared to ask.
“No, but…” he started, then fell silent in the middle of the sentence.
“But?” I cautiously probed – I had no idea where I suddenly found the courage.
“Well, the feeling you just described. There’s someone for me that fits that description…”
“Cool,” I just replied, as I was somewhere between curiosity, hope, and disappointment.
“And what about you? Is there someone…?” Simon asked, looking at me seriously and questioningly. His gaze was somehow strange and hard to interpret.
“Hmm, yeah. I think so, but…” I stammered, as that was getting closer to the truth than I actually wanted. But something inside me compelled me not to change the subject as I would have liked to, but to hold his gaze.
Simon looked at me slightly sadly, then tried a smile, which didn’t really convince me. The situation was strange; I was sitting on my desk chair, he was on my bed only about a meter away. Somehow, I was extremely tense, I felt hot, and I noticed I was starting to tremble slightly.
“Paul…?” Simon began, but then he stopped, looked to the side, and said, “Sorry, maybe this is getting too personal; let’s leave it.”
“No, it’s okay, go ahead,” I replied, trying to make my voice sound friendly and not too nervous.
“You know, well… the person I meant… is you,” he murmured quietly, avoiding looking at me. I was speechless and couldn’t believe he had just said that. Could it really be that my deepest dreams were coming true right now?
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that… Maybe I should just go?” Simon asked now, tense, as I needed to process the information and couldn’t say anything yet.
“No, it’s okay… you know… I feel the same way…” I finally stammered and looked uncertainly at Simon, who now also looked quite surprised. Then I stood up, walked over to him, sat down next to him, and cautiously put my arm around his shoulder to comfort him and also to assure myself that it wasn’t a dream.
Simon also seemed to slowly realize what had just happened. He still looked at me uncertainly and asked, “Really?”
“Yes. That’s also the reason why nothing will happen with Lena. I… am gay.” Although he probably already figured that out himself, I still found it extremely difficult to say those words.
Now his expression brightened a bit; the tension seemed to fall away from him.
“Well, me too,” he mumbled, embarrassed.
And then we embraced, cuddled up to each other, and let ourselves sink back onto the bed. It felt incredibly and indescribably beautiful to be so close to him, to feel his body and to slowly stroke him. We looked into each other’s eyes, smiled at each other, and then our faces came closer together and we kissed. Once. Twice. And a little more often. This was surely one of the most beautiful moments of my life so far, and it felt so extremely good that I might as well not even start to describe it, as there are truly no words for this feeling. This must be what "happiness" feels like.
“A nervous boy in several ways
I never knew the world could operate this way
I was nervous when we stopped to speak
and the world came crashing around my feet
We don’t talk of love, we’re much too shy
but nervously we wonder when and why”
I felt how the constant touches all over my body excited me more and more, and Simon seemed to feel similarly. So it was only a matter of time before our hands began to explore the more intimate areas. Before I could no longer think clearly from excitement, I interrupted the stroking for a brief moment and looked at Simon uncertainly. “Should we stop?” I asked him slightly nervously. I didn’t want to push him into anything he might regret later. Instead of answering, he just smiled at me happily, shook his head, and continued with his caresses, which now dangerously aimed toward my groin. He commented on this with a cheeky grin, and I just had to kiss him again. I think I was in love.
Later, we both lay still on my bed for several minutes, trying to comprehend what had just happened, then I turned on my side and kissed him. He still felt just as incredible as at the beginning. I would have never thought it possible that I could feel something like this.
“I don’t know why
it always comes as a surprise
to find I’m here with you
You smile and I am rubbing my eyes
at a dream come true”
After we had gotten dressed again after a while, we realized it had gotten quite late. Of course, we hadn’t done any German, but at that moment, we both didn’t care at all!
“I think I love you!” I whispered softly into his ear, to which he smiled at me, kissed me again, and said, “I love you too.”
Of course, there were plenty of questions we wanted to ask each other, but since he had to go home soon, we decided to wait until the next day.
“I don’t think I can pretend nothing happened at school tomorrow,” Simon said as we said goodbye, and I had to agree with him.
“Whatever, it just has to work. No one can notice anything,” I said. He nodded seriously, and then he left after we kissed one more time to say goodbye.
When my parents and sister came home a little later, I had already cleared away all possible traces and acted as if nothing had happened, which they bought, even though the others were surely wondering why I was suddenly so unusually cheerful.
“You can live your life lonely, heavy as stone
Live your life learning and working alone
Say this is all you want, but I don’t believe that it’s true
‘cause when you least expect it, waiting round the corner for you
Love comes quickly, whatever you do, you can’t stop falling
Love comes quickly, whatever you do, you can’t stop falling
I know it sounds ridiculous but speaking from experience
It may seem romantic and that’s no defence
love will always get to you”
One of the details that I changed while revising the story is the age of Paul and the other characters. In "We're the Pet Shop Boys," Paul was still 18 and in the 13th grade of a FOS, while in "Liberation," I lowered his age to 17, so he is now in the 12th grade. At the time, I had chosen 13th grade and 18 as his age because I was 18 during the creation of the story and was also in the 13th grade then. Since many of the characters, especially Paul himself, were based on my real life, it made the most sense to me at the time. Although I was still 17 at the time of my inner coming out, everything else fit chronologically. The reason I changed the age now is that upon closer consideration, I found it somewhat unusual for Paul to have his inner coming out only at 18. No question, such cases exist – for many gay individuals, 18 might even be quite early – but somehow 17 felt more realistic for this story after long reflection. While this makes the story feel less personal for me, I think it will seem a bit more logical to most other readers.
All of this is fine and good, but some readers might wonder what the point of this story is after reading it. It is essentially a classic and sometimes somewhat predictable coming-out story with a lot of clichés, similar to countless others already present on this site. But perhaps it will entertain some or at least distract from all the negativity out there for a short time – if that were the case, I would actually be satisfied. And besides – just because something exists in a similar form many times does not mean it has to be bad; on the contrary. Personally, I enjoy reading every coming-out story anew, no matter how many similar ones I have read before, and I never have anything against a good love story. It seems that many other readers feel the same way, as otherwise, stories of this kind would hardly be so frequent, right? So why not publish or read another one? This story may not be artistically valuable or innovative, but I still hope that some readers will find joy in it.
Back to the topic of logic briefly: I don’t want to give away any content here, but some will surely wonder how realistic it is that all of this happens in such a short time. Admittedly, it is extremely unlikely, and I am aware of that (and sometimes I had to roll my eyes a bit while proofreading, I admit it). On the other hand, the two alternatives would have been to write the story in such a way that there are always time jumps of several weeks or months between the individual events, which, in my opinion, would have disrupted the flow of reading a bit, or to simply omit individual plot elements completely, which would have been more realistic but, honestly, also more boring. Therefore, it is now in this form – not everything has to be close to reality; sometimes fantasy is simply much more beautiful.
Finally, a brief note about the Pet Shop Boys quotes in this story. I originally included them in the original story because, first, I wanted to (to be honest, I originally started writing the story just to incorporate the quotes somewhere) and, second, they were and are in a way the "soundtrack of my life," however strange that may sound.
While revising the original story into "Liberation," I thought long about whether to remove the song lyrics or keep them – in the end, I obviously decided to keep them. I know that most readers may not find much meaning in them, but somehow I still found the idea beautiful, and in a way, these quotes are also the unique feature of the story. So here’s my tip: If someone doesn’t see any sense in the song lyrics, they should just skip them; the story works just as well without them.
By the way, I only realized afterward that the idea of using song lyrics in stories is not new and has been practiced here on Nickstorys.de very often. Back when I was writing the original version, I thought I was incredibly revolutionary... null
Since there is hardly a feeling or life situation about which the Pet Shop Boys have not written a song, it was not so difficult to find the appropriate quotes for each part of the story. Nevertheless, some PSB nerds might notice that some of the lyrics come from songs that actually deal with a completely different situation than what is described in the story. A prime example is perhaps the song "To face the truth," which is actually quite clearly about the end of a relationship. Still, I incorporated it after the coming-out scene in this story, as the two lines "It hurts too much to face the truth / To face the truth" fit very well in my opinion. Furthermore, I often focused more on the overall mood of a song rather than ensuring that the content matched the story exactly. Most readers probably won't care anyway, but I wanted to mention it just to be safe.
So, that was enough preliminary remarks for now, which I believe were necessary to explain the context of the story a bit. There isn't much more to say for now, except of course, enjoy reading!
Chapter 1
"The night is a time to explore who you are
Are you what you want to be?
Could you really be a star?
Sometimes you want something you never had
In the middle of the night, you can let yourself go slightly mad"
The ringing of the alarm clock jolted me roughly out of sleep. Who doesn't know that feeling? One moment you're deep in the most beautiful dreams, and the next moment reality catches up with you – and out of bed you go, unfortunately. It's not easy being a student.
The dream I was pulled out of today was somehow different. As far as I could remember, it was nice, but primarily strange. I had been cuddling with someone, but who? Was I mistaken, or was it one of my friends? No, definitely not, that couldn't be.
After I silenced the alarm clock with a well-aimed hit (serves it right) for the next twenty-four hours, I got up and, still a bit dazed, went to the bathroom to prepare for another school day. I had already forgotten the mentioned dream and instead went through the expected events of the day in my mind.
By the way, my name is Paul. I am 17 years old, have short dark blonde hair, and I am in the 12th grade of a vocational school (FOS). The latter was also the reason why I had to get up so early. After breakfast, I first went to the train station and then took the S-Bahn, which was only two minutes late today, to school, which was located quite centrally in Munich. Since we lived in a small suburb, this meant I had to spend quite a bit of time on the train every day, but this problem could easily be solved with a good book. Or alternatively with school materials, if I had been too lazy to study the day before, but that never happened. After all, I was also too lazy to do that on the S-Bahn...
I really couldn't concentrate on reading today, so I somewhat dreamily observed the various commuters who shared the terrible fate of having to take an S-Bahn at just after seven in the morning. A bit further away, someone was on the phone in a language completely foreign to me, which apparently prompted the man to speak a little louder, since no one would understand him anyway. The woman sitting across from me had a small notebook open in front of her and was quickly sketching all kinds of people sitting with her on the train. And the boy back there, who had just boarded, actually looked quite nice… Stop! No, certainly not. But the girl one door over was quite nice. Much more attractive! Or?
"But every now and then, often at night
a particular feeling would surface in spite
of what I’d told myself and tried to deny
I kept on asking the question: why?"
Upon arriving at school, my mood was quite mixed. On one hand, I was subconsciously still a bit confused about my feelings, even though I was convincing myself that they didn't exist. Besides, I was still tired, and the thought of the upcoming classes didn't make me any happier. However, I was looking forward to seeing my friends and classmates.
"Morning," I greeted Felix, with whom I had been in the same class for six years now and who had become one of my best friends during that time. We had met in secondary school and then went to FOS together. He responded with a still somewhat sleepy "Hi," but soon engaged me in a conversation about which of our subjects today was the most unnecessary – we agreed on religion – which ended in a small competition about who was least interested in all of it today. This was eventually interrupted by our economics teacher, who came in and tried to teach us all about the use of results. With varying success.
I really couldn't concentrate on the class because I was too distracted by Simon, who was sitting diagonally in front of me. I had been in the same class with him since we came to FOS two years ago, and we had become quite good friends, although I didn't know him as well as other long-time friends. Anyway, he looked quite good sitting there – he was of average height and build for our age, maybe even a bit slender, his light brown to dark blonde hair was cut into a perfectly styled haircut from all sides, and the clothes he wore just looked perfect on him, even though they were just ordinary jeans and sweaters. Occasionally, he would turn around and smile at me when our eyes met, which triggered a strangely warm feeling in me every time.
"Paul?" Mr. Bergmüller's voice interrupted my daydreams.
"Hm?"
"Could you perhaps answer my question? How do we find out the annual surplus after calculating the balance profit?"
"Um… Sorry, I was just a bit distracted…," I replied somewhat embarrassed.
"I noticed, yes. Next time, please pay better attention, okay?"
If it were only that easy. It was only after I had subconsciously admired Simon for a while that I suddenly became aware of what I was doing. And it shocked me. How could this be, I thought. He is a boy. I am not gay. And I don’t want to be. I tried for a while to find arguments for why I had to be into girls, and when I was somewhat convinced, I decided to distract myself by actually paying attention in class. Simon continued to throw me occasional glances, but I ignored him and stared blankly past him at the board.
The rest of the day passed by without me really noticing much of it. During breaks, Felix, Simon, Lukas, whom I also knew since the beginning of FOS, and I talked about all sorts of things, but I wasn’t really present, which Felix noticed as well. After class, he brought it up on the way home:
“Hey, what’s going on with you today? You seem so distant…”
“Oh nothing, just didn’t sleep well,” I tried to brush it off. It sounded only somewhat convincing, but at least we changed the subject and made some silly jokes about various teachers instead of talking about deeper things.
“I’m building a wall, a fine wall
Not so much to keep you out
more to keep me in”
Chapter 2
“See boy strange on the horizon of love
he’s calling to you
What do you say?
See boy strange as an example of youth
so close to the truth
but still far away
And he’s such a strange boy
will he make a good exchange for
the one before the closed door
that you left behind?”
Once home, I first set about tackling the mountain of homework for the day – although I was somewhat unfocused while doing so. When the obligations for that day were finally done, I sat down on my bed and thought about a part of my life that I had been suppressing until now.
When I had just turned 16, my little sister Marie had asked me when I would finally come out as gay since I seemed to fit every sign of it. Just for fun. And it really shouldn’t have bothered me; after all, I wasn’t. Sure, I had never had a girlfriend, but that was probably more due to my shyness. But what else?
The problem was that since that day, I had been haunted by a certain fear of actually being gay. For all those years, I had always denied it, looked for arguments for why I couldn’t be, and tried to appear as hetero as possible to others. Not that they would start thinking anything about me.
I could probably deceive everyone very well, but the doubts remained with me, growing stronger day by day, my counterarguments becoming weaker. How could this be? I didn’t want this! Why me?
Until two or three weeks ago, I was still sure that this could only be a phase, that it was normal and would pass. My very last shield behind which I could hide for a while longer. But in hindsight, I also realized that this couldn’t go on. Sooner or later, I had to face the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it seemed. Sure, I could have kept going like this, and probably no one but myself would have ever had doubts about my sexuality, but then what? Get married, have kids, grow old – always plagued by self-doubt and never really happy?
I had started to at least engage with the topic of homosexuality. Not that it would affect me, I had told myself at first, just to inform myself. For two years, I had repressed everything that even remotely related to the topic – people, movies, even the Pet Shop Boys, my absolute favorite band, I had only listened to with a guilty conscience.
By now, I had at least reached a point where my fear of the topic had somewhat diminished. I was still sure that I was into girls, even though everything was so obvious. I just couldn’t admit it to myself.
Until today. The looks from Simon, my strange feeling about it – all of that had awakened something in me, and after all these years, I was on the verge of finally opening a door that I had wanted to keep panically shut.
“Guess there’s no place to hide, when you’re screaming inside
There’s no place to hide, when you’re screaming inside”
I took my phone, opened an anonymous internet browser just in case, and typed with trembling fingers the words “gay coming out” into the search bar. It was the first time I had explicitly searched for this topic, and also the first time I admitted to myself that it could affect me.
The DBNA website was displayed, which I had heard of before – but until then, I had never dared to click on it. This time, I did. I read one article after another on the topic of “internal coming out” and “how do I know if I’m gay,” and I noticed with a certain relief that what I had hidden from all these years and what I simply didn’t want to acknowledge was indeed true. I was gay. Not what I wanted. But well, it couldn’t be changed. And now? Now it was over, no more internal hiding from myself. Still slightly trembling, I put my phone down and fell onto my bed, feeling strangely liberated.
“Then we went on, after hours, there was a place down below
It was there I realised the meaning of the show
You’ve got to love, to learn to live, where angels fear to tread
You need to cast off any guilt or shame
When thunder roars and lightning scores, you’ll still be glad you’d came
Are you gonna go to the Sodom and Gomorrah show?
It’s got everything you need for your complete entertainment and instruction
Sun, sex, sin, divine intervention, death and destruction
The Sodom and Gomorrah show is a once-in-a-lifetime production”
In the evening, I was strangely cheerful and somehow relieved. What I had been most afraid of for the last two years had come true. Actually not good. But objectively speaking, it wasn’t as bad as I had feared. Yes, I would have to say goodbye to many ideal notions and life goals, and it certainly wouldn’t always be easy. But otherwise? Otherwise, I could live my life the way I obviously wanted, even if it had taken me some time to figure that out.
I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time, so I lay awake in my bed and thought for the second time that day about my life, this time much more positively than in the afternoon. When I finally fell asleep, I was surprisingly happy.
Chapter 3
“Ask me why, I’ll say it’s most unusual
How can I even try to explain why today I feel like dancing
singing like lovers sing, when I wouldn’t normally do this kind of thing?
I wouldn’t normally do this kind of thing”
Once again, the ringing of the alarm clock jolted me awake. My first thought was: Already? My second: I don’t want to. My third: I’m gay. And then all the memories of the previous day slowly came back.
As I was on my way to the train station, nearly freezing – in moments like these, I hated winter – it somehow felt as if people could see what was going on inside me. As if I had changed overnight, as if they were all curiously scrutinizing me. The thought of being gay suddenly felt extremely strange, and although I was still the same person as yesterday, everything felt different.
Upon arriving at school, Felix gave me the latest news about the party that was supposed to take place at his place this Friday. Not only some people from our current class would come, but especially our friend group from middle school. I was really looking forward to seeing certain people again.
“By the way, Lena is coming too,” Felix mentioned and winked at me meaningfully.
“Uh-huh. Great,” I replied less than enthusiastically. I liked Lena; she was a good friend. For a while, I thought I had a crush on her, but I soon realized that wasn’t the case. That, however, didn’t seem to stop everyone else from wanting to set us up. That Lena herself wouldn’t have been opposed to it was somewhat of an open secret.
“Come on, Paul, I know you like her. And she likes you. You’d be perfect together,” Felix said, unwilling to let go of this topic.
“Not so loud,” I murmured more to myself and looked a bit embarrassed around the classroom to see if anyone had noticed. Of course, Simon and Lukas both had grins on their faces.
“Are you not going to introduce her to us on Friday, Paul?” Simon teased me. “I’d really like to meet her.”
"Yeah, let's see." I replied shortly and for the first time in my life, I was glad that our math teacher, Mr. Krämer, just walked in. "Sorry," Felix whispered to me, who had obviously noticed that I felt a bit uncomfortable with the topic, and then the class began.
Even today, I could only half-follow the lesson, and once again, Simon was the reason for it. Since I had now admitted to myself that I was probably gay, I could think about such things without too much guilt. Was I mistaken, or did he look even better today than yesterday? Occasionally, he turned back to me, and while I was shocked yesterday that I was even thinking about him, today I wondered why he did that. Well, he was probably just being nice; it's not unusual to smile at a friend. But didn't he realize what he was doing to me? He looked so sweet when he beamed at me. And every time he turned around, I would have loved to take him in my arms and cuddle up to him.
But I should rather not have such thoughts, because he was probably just as straight as everyone else, and if he ever found out, I could easily imagine that he wouldn't be too thrilled about it. Maybe I should just try to find a boyfriend, I thought, because then I wouldn't have to constantly crush on people I had no chance with, who wouldn't be okay with it either.
"It’s mad, to be in love with someone else
When you’re in love with he, she’s in love with me
but you know as well as I do
I can never think of anyone but you, all my life
Play with fire, play with guns
it’s easy to impress someone
Turning in my sleep, you called me a fool
To fall in love, is it so uncool?
Now I want to wake up
How I want to wake up"
The rest of the week passed surprisingly quickly. In my free time, I continued to inform myself about homosexuality, coming out, and everything related to it. The fears I had until then gradually diminished, and I was able to come to terms with being gay more and more each day. I often wondered why it had taken me so long to accept it, as I had often felt bad about it before and was plagued by self-doubt. But it wasn't so bad now. So why the fear?
Outwardly, I initially felt strange, as if I were suddenly someone else and everyone would notice, but I quickly realized that wasn't the case. On the contrary, no one seemed to have noticed anything, neither in my family nor among my friends. This helped me to become a bit more relaxed and I gradually managed to forget about the topic and return to a certain normality.
Overall, everything was going quite well. Until Friday.
Chapter 4
"I’d rather die than satisfy their curiosity
I’m kind of shy and dry and verging on ugly
They wonder what that I have got that they have not
They’ll never understand that none of that matters
Every boy and man feeling lonely
can’t understand why you’d be with me
Furthermore, we laugh and we draw
more attention every day so they say
Bet she’s not your girlfriend
Oh no, you couldn’t make her happy”
It was Friday, school was over, and I was full of anticipation for the party tonight at Felix's. I briefly considered what a gay person should wear and ended up with what I always wore. It would be even worse otherwise. After that, I spent a few minutes in front of the mirror – not that I was particularly meticulous, but my appearance did matter to me to some extent – and when I deemed the result acceptable, I quickly packed my things, said goodbye to my mother, and set off.
When I arrived at Felix's, things were already happening, so I mingled with the attendees after grabbing a suitable drink in the kitchen. Laura, Maja, Emma, Hannah, and Julian, whom I knew from my old class in secondary school, were already there. And Lena. I was somewhat afraid of encountering her, but I smiled at her as I entered the room. Only Simon and Lukas were missing, who lived a bit further away and always took a little longer.
“And Paul, how’s it going? Long time no see!” Julian greeted me, with whom Felix and I had laughed a lot in secondary school. It was nice to see him again after we had unfortunately had little to do with each other following our school transfer and the start of his training.
“Everything’s great, and you?” I replied.
“Yeah, things are going pretty well. What’s new with you guys?”
“Oh, nothing really.” A small part of me would have liked to answer that I was gay by now; on one hand, I wanted people to know and to deal with it openly. Thankfully, the part that preferred to handle it more cautiously and keep it secret for now maintained control.
After Julian moved on and I had briefly lost myself in thought, Lena suddenly stood next to me.
“Hi,” she said and smiled at me.
With Lena, as I said, it was a bit complicated. I liked her a lot – as a friend. And there was a time when I saw more than just a friend in her. Since I enjoyed being with her so much, I thought for a while that I was in love with her, but I quickly realized that wasn’t the case. Now I know that I was probably just looking for a girlfriend to prove to myself that I was into girls. So it was good that nothing more had happened between us back then, as she didn’t deserve to be "used" by me for such purposes.
The thing was that it was a kind of open secret that Lena had indeed had feelings for me for a while – hence Felix's comment the other day at school. In the eyes of our friends, we were probably seen as the perfect couple that just needed to find each other – at least that was the impression I sometimes had. As I said, I had sensed at some point that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us, and that had now been confirmed, but unfortunately, she didn’t know anything about it. And I couldn’t tell her that she should look for someone who deserved her, since, first, I officially didn’t know that she had feelings for me, second, I didn’t want to hurt her, and third, I would have had to explain why it couldn’t work. And for the last point, the question of why, I had only gotten the answer myself a few days ago, namely, that I was gay.
“Hey. How are you?” I replied, smiling back a bit uncertainly.
“Pretty okay so far. How’s it going with you?”
“It’s alright. Everything’s good.”
At that moment, Simon and Lukas came into the room, having just arrived. My gaze immediately fell on Simon, who looked stunning as always. However, his expression seemed a bit clouded for a moment as he looked in my and Lena's direction, then he put on a smile that unfortunately wasn’t as endearing as usual and came over to us.
“Hey, hey! You must be Lena, right? I’ve heard a lot about you!” he greeted us both. Lukas stood a step behind him and grinned at me. I was a bit confused for a moment about what to do and therefore let Lena do the talking.
“That’s right. And you are…?”
“Simon. Paul and I know each other from the FOS.”
“Oh yes, he and Felix have told me about you. You must be Lukas?” she asked, nodding in his direction.
“Exactly,” Lukas replied.
“And what have you heard about me, Simon?” Lena asked now. “Only good things, I hope!”
"Sure, of course. But nothing specific otherwise..." Simon replied somewhat hesitantly and threw me a quick glance that I couldn't quite interpret. Questioning, perhaps a bit dejected, uncertain. Then he smiled again as if nothing had happened, saying he didn't want to disturb us further and said goodbye in the direction of Felix and Julian, who were currently engaged in a lively discussion with Emma and Maja about something. The music, apparently. As if there was still much to discuss, when it was clear that each of them had no taste in music in their own way, right?
"Paul? What's wrong?" Lena suddenly asked.
"Hm?"
"You seem so absent and have been staring at the two of them the whole time. Is everything really okay with you?"
"Oh, yes, everything's fine, just a bit distracted..." I replied, slightly embarrassed. Was it really that obvious that I was looking at Simon longer than usual?
"Distracted, huh," Lena grinned now. "And that, even though you're talking to me? What a thing..."
"Well, hehe, it's just that there's a lot going on at school right now, you know? So I guess I can be a bit unfocused sometimes..." I tried to explain somehow while secretly wondering how I had managed to get myself into such an unnecessarily awkward situation again for no real reason.
"Sure, everything's fine, it's okay. I think there's food now, right?" Lena said, thankfully not wanting to press further.
In fact, the pizzas that Felix had ordered for us had just been delivered, so we all sat down together at the table and ate. Although Lena and I were sitting next to each other, since we weren't alone anymore, we joked more with the others and talked about all sorts of things. After that, we played various games, which I mostly lost (but as the saying goes, bad luck in games, good luck in love), before someone had the idea to turn the music up even louder, after which we all gradually started dancing and goofing around. It was sometimes hard to distinguish between the two with us anyway. And even though I had absolutely no sense of rhythm in such situations, I still had fun, even me. Until the moment when Lena slowly came closer to me and almost touched me while dancing. She was definitely not being pushy, but rather cautious, yet still clearly so. Maybe she had had one too many drinks after all? No, definitely not; she wasn't too keen on that.
In hindsight, I don't know why I did what I did. It was quite hasty and thoughtless, but on the other hand, it felt like the only option. In any case, I thought to myself at that moment that this couldn't continue between us. She deserved someone who could really love her, unlike me, and besides, I felt that our friendship would ultimately suffer if I already had an uncomfortable feeling about being with her sometimes. So I gathered all my courage, smiled at her somewhat uncertainly, and said, "Hey, can we maybe talk outside for a moment?"
"Sure, anytime." She looked briefly pleased, then seemed to notice from my expression that something was wrong.
We made our way out of the room towards the front door, and I felt like we were being thrown a few curious glances here and there. I started to tremble a bit and felt hot. Was this really a good idea? I could still just back out. No, it had to be done, I encouraged myself.
Once outside, we walked a few steps down the street; I didn't want anyone to overhear us in the end. Lena looked at me questioningly from the side but followed me without objection.
"What's wrong?" she finally asked when I still hadn't said a word. I probably seemed totally unfriendly, but it just felt like my throat was constricted.
"Nothing, um, well..." I managed to say, not very cleverly.
"Did I get too close to you in there? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that..."
"Hm, it's fine." I said. I couldn't do this.
"No, obviously not. What's going on with you? Is everything okay?" she continued, and now her voice suddenly sounded empathetic, and I remembered exactly why I valued her so much as a friend.
"So, yes, everything's fine, but... um..."
"Come on, Paul, spit it out. Whatever you want to say, I won't be mad at you for it."
"So, I'm sorry, I've noticed that you might be imagining more between us, but that unfortunately won't work. It just can't..." I stammered, staring past her into the darkness.
"Yeah, I figured that. It's okay. You don't have to say why, but I hope I didn't do anything wrong or hurt you in any way?" she replied somewhat dejectedly but composed.
"No, it's not your fault. It's just... um..."
"Yeah?"
"So... promise me you won't tell anyone, okay?" Oh God, I really couldn't do this. I was scared of her reaction, I was shaking all over, I suddenly felt much hotter again, and I could barely speak straight.
"Of course, Paul. You can trust me, okay?"
"I'm... well, um... I... am gay." Did I really just say that? What had I done? What if she didn't understand, what if she went back inside and told everyone? Why didn't I just leave it alone? Doubts overwhelmed me, and suddenly I was really afraid of what could happen next.
"Oh, okay. That's a bit... unexpected, but not bad!" she said softly, smiling encouragingly at me. I still couldn't believe that this was really happening.
When I didn't respond, still staring past her into the darkness, she stepped closer and put her arm around my shoulder.
"You don't have to be afraid, okay? I have no problem with it, and I won't tell anyone unless you explicitly allow me to, okay?" she said gently. "Admittedly, I didn't expect this and I'm a bit disappointed, as I could have imagined more with you... as you said... but you can't help how I feel. And I'll always stand by you, no matter what happens."
"Thank you," I finally managed to say, even though I still felt unable to speak.
"You're welcome. That's what friends are for, right?" she smiled at me now. I only nodded slowly.
"Should we go back inside, or do you want to calm down a bit first?" It felt strange to be cared for by her like this, but I was just infinitely grateful to her at that moment.
"Just a bit longer. I don't think I can go back in there now..." I murmured quietly, astonished that I could obviously speak again. At the same time, I felt a certain panic about going back inside with the others and pretending nothing had happened. I was relieved, but still extremely unsure, and it felt like everyone could see what had happened if we went back in now.
"Hm, I understand... If you want, we can take a short walk and talk about it...?" Lena asked cautiously.
"I don't think I can talk much right now; I'm still shaking too much when I speak..." I tried to laugh, but it didn't really work. Maybe I should just go home and calm down?
"Okay. Maybe you need a little quiet time first, right?" Lena said exactly what I had just been thinking. "We can go inside quickly, grab your things, you say goodbye to Felix and tell him you're not feeling well... Right?"
"Yes, you're right!" Together we walked back to the house where Felix lived. "And thank you!" I said quietly just before we reached the front door.
Inside, it was extremely hot and loud compared to the cold night air outside. In a trance, I followed Lena back to the others, still unable to fully grasp what had just happened.
"Hey, where have you two been?" Felix greeted us, looking at us curiously.
"Oh, just getting some fresh air; he wasn't feeling well," Lena replied, thankfully for me—I didn't feel like I could speak right now.
"Oh, okay? Is everything alright again, Paul?" Felix asked. He sounded a bit concerned now, his grin fading.
"Yeah, I'm fine again..." I stammered. "But I think I'd rather go home and rest a bit..."
"Hm, that's too bad, but if you think so, that's probably best..."
"Yeah, probably. Thanks again for the invitation; I still had a lot of fun!" I managed to say, and then Lena accompanied me to the hallway, where I quickly packed my backpack and got dressed again.
"Are you leaving already?" I suddenly heard Simon's voice behind me. He stood in the doorway between the living room and the hallway, the party in full swing behind him. I couldn't read his expression.
"Yeah, unfortunately I'm not feeling well. But I'll see you on Monday at school."
"Okay, that's too bad. Have a good trip home and get well soon!"
"Thanks," I stammered, smiled at him a bit awkwardly, and turned to Lena, who said she would take me to the door.
"Bye," I quickly said to Simon; he smiled back at us, said "Bye, see you Monday," turned around, and went back to the others.
Finally outside in the fresh air, I felt a bit better again, and I noticed that I was regaining control over my body and calming down a bit.
"Can you make it home alone, or should I take you?" Lena asked now, still sounding a bit concerned.
"No, it's fine, thanks. Besides, I don't want to ruin your fun completely."
"Okay, as you wish. Maybe you'd like to meet again tomorrow, then you could tell me a bit more?"
"Let's see, if you want..." On one hand, I wanted to talk to her about it now that she knew, but on the other hand, the thought of discussing my being gay, which I had only accepted a few days ago, felt strange.
"Sure. If that's okay with you, of course. But you can really talk to me about anything."
"Thanks. And have fun with the others. See you tomorrow!"
"Good night, Paul. See you tomorrow!" Her gaze was loving, concerned, sad, and joyful all at once, and I would have loved to talk to her about all of it right then. After all, it probably wasn't easy for her either. But that could wait until tomorrow. I smiled gratefully at her, waved goodbye, and made my way home through the cold winter night.
"We all make a mess of our lives from time to time
It’s part of the process that you stumble as you climb
And if you ever feel the pain is far too big a deal
I say with pride I’ll be on your side
You’ve got a home here
Call it what you want, you’ve got a home here
You’re gonna want it when you can’t
face the world and you need some support to succeed
You’ve got a home"
Chapter 5
When I woke up the next morning – it was Saturday, which meant I didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night – I still hadn’t fully realized what had happened in the last few hours. My mother had been a bit surprised that I was home so early again, but she had bought my little white lie that I wasn’t feeling well and needed some rest. After I got ready for bed, I lay awake for a long time, feeling relieved about how my first outing had gone, but at the same time, doubts crept back in about whether it had been the right step or if I should have waited longer. I also worried about what would happen if all the other party guests found out somehow what had happened while I wasn’t there. That thought scared me quite a bit, but I tried to push it aside. Lena would never tell anyone, and no one could have overheard us, I thought, but an uneasy feeling remained. I finally fell asleep late at night.
At breakfast with my family the next morning, I wasn’t very talkative and my mind was on all sorts of other things. The others probably noticed, but fortunately, they didn’t bring it up. Everyone has a bad day sometimes.
After that, I checked my messages on my phone. At the top was one from Lena, asking if and when we wanted to meet today to talk. I suggested we could meet in the evening.
Additionally, Felix and, to my surprise, Simon had messaged me. Both seemed to want to know if I was feeling better. I didn’t open the messages, turned off my phone, packed my backpack, and took the subway to the city to take photos. I just needed to switch off, clear my head, and think about something else, and that worked best for me when I was wandering around with my camera in hand. I could deal with the others later; right now, I needed time for myself.
“Cross a windy bridge, one winter night
Past Embankment Gardens, enter warmth and light
Face the music (it’s never easy), forget the chill
Face the future (it’s never easy), find the will
If life is worth living, it’s got to be done
One might be forgiven for thinking it’s a life on the run
Many roads will cross through many lives
but somehow you survive”
In the evening, I met Lena for a walk. It was a bit uncomfortable due to the cold, but I didn’t want to meet at either of our homes or in a bar or café for fear of being overheard. Not that it was all that likely, but the risk felt too high. I was already struggling with the thought of even talking about it, as every thought that left my safe inner self as a word could theoretically come back to me someday.
Lena was already at our meeting point, standing in the glow of the streetlight with her jacket pulled up to the top.
I greeted her, and she seemed happy to see me. At least.
“How are you?” she asked.
Well, what was I supposed to say? On one hand, good, because she knew. And on the other hand, bad, because she knew. Complicated. To be honest, I didn’t even know the answer to the question myself.
“Um. Quite okay. At least I think so. It just feels extremely unusual that you know, and somehow the thought that it’s no longer a secret scares me. But I’m really grateful to you for reacting the way you did.”
“I understand. And… how did you… actually find out?” It seemed Lena was also struggling to find the right words, but her curiosity ultimately seemed to win out.
“Well, it had actually been obvious for a while that I just wasn’t really interested in girls and was in boys. If I had been honest with myself. But… I didn’t accept it; I didn’t want to be gay and tried to suppress it for two years, tried to convince myself that it couldn’t be true. I was just scared, and only recently did I slowly start to cautiously confront the topic. Probably because I wouldn’t have been able to hold out much longer otherwise. And eventually, my fear went away, and I could accept it for myself.”
“Oh, okay. I can imagine that it wasn’t easy…”
“Well…” Surprisingly, it felt good to talk to someone about what had been on my mind for so long and what had become my best-kept secret over time. So much so that I had even hidden and suppressed it from myself.
“Are you mad at me that nothing will come of us? I wanted it for a while, to be honest, but at some point, I just realized that it wouldn’t work. And eventually, I could also admit to myself why.” Even though it sounded strange – this question had been on my mind the whole time, as I somehow felt a twinge of guilt towards her.
"Well, ... as I said, I'm of course a bit disappointed because I didn't expect it. But somehow I already felt that you didn't want it; I just didn't know the reason, which was much worse for me. I'm actually a bit relieved that it's not my fault. But to be honest, you can't help it, so why should I be angry with you? I'm just happy for you that you've finally found yourself."
"Okay, good. I really wish you someone who can love you the way I couldn't!" I said, and even though that should have sounded pretty serious, I just couldn't help but grin at her playfully.
"Thanks." Lena laughed now too. That felt good and I liked it much better than the serious conversation we had before. "By the way, how did you even know that I wanted something from you? I mean, of course, I showed some tendencies, but was it really that obvious?"
"What? Of course it was obvious!" I couldn't help but laugh. "Felix has been telling me all the time what a perfect couple we would be. I'd rather not know what he thinks happened between us yesterday after I suddenly fled..."
"Oh." That seemed to embarrass her a bit now. "Yeah, that's true, he did look at me strangely a few times yesterday after I didn't want to say what happened, but I didn't think much of it..."
"Well, he's probably more my 'problem' in the future since I see him every day, and he definitely won't let it go that easily." I said. Well, if he just asks, he would eventually lose interest.
A cold gust of wind blew past us, causing the trees next to the sidewalk to sway restlessly. In the darkness, it looked almost ghostly. We walked a few meters silently beside each other, each lost in our thoughts.
"Is there actually someone else you have a crush on?" Lena suddenly asked. That came a bit unexpectedly, and I hadn't really thought about it myself, but...
"Well, ... um, no, not really..." I replied somewhat shyly.
"Sure? Maybe Simon?" She said it as a joke, but that hit the mark with me. I hadn't realized it myself, but now that she said it, I realized that I had been quite infatuated with him over the last few days and weeks. Embarrassing. Hopefully, I wasn't being as obvious as she was with me, because then I would have some problems.
"How did you come up with that?" I dared to ask cautiously, praying that she hadn't noticed how my voice had changed a bit, how I had become more tense.
"I think you looked at him strangely a few times yesterday. And he looked at you. But I might be mistaken, right?"
"Yeah, definitely." I tried to cover my embarrassment with a laugh, which seemed to convince her. Lucky me. Not that it would have been bad if she had known my next secret, but she didn't need to know everything. A man needs his secrets; I had read that somewhere.
We talked for a while about this and that, then we said goodbye and made our way home.
"Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself as I used to be
Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself haunting me
Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself wondering what to be
Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself searching for the key"
The next day was a Sunday and passed relatively quickly. I tried to distract myself by doing various things for school; otherwise, not much happened. I was a bit tense when I thought about the next day, as I didn't know what Felix, Simon, and Lukas would say. If they would say anything at all. From their perspective, not much had happened, yet I was still unsure.
Chapter 6
"We're meant to be friends, that's what it says in the script
Is it really the end if sometimes I stray just a bit?
Oh no! It should be poetry not prose
I'm in love with you, do you think it shows?
And everyone knows when they look at us
of course they do it must be obvious
I've never told you, now I suppose
that you're the only one who doesn't know"
(Pet Shop Boys – It must be obvious*)
At school, I was greeted by Felix, who immediately bombarded me with questions.
"Hey, what happened on Friday? Something else must have happened, right?
"No, I just suddenly didn't feel well..." I tried to deflect, but I couldn't talk my way out of it that quickly.
"Come on, something happened with Lena! Did you kiss? Or argue? I didn't get anything out of her on Friday, she just said I should ask you..."
"No, we didn't kiss, and everything is fine between us..."
"But would you like to kiss her?" Felix asked now. He had sensed an exciting topic, and generally, I could discuss the love lives of various people with him all day; it was usually fun. But not when it came to my own, and especially not if he could get closer to my secret.
"No, not really, but whatever..."
"No? Why not? You would fit so well together!"
"Well, no, we're just friends, nothing more."
"Are you sure? I somehow don't believe you. She looks good too, don't you think?" He just wouldn't give up, which I was already finding a little annoying on a Monday morning. It was exhausting.
"Yeah, I don't know, she does. But..." I didn't get any further, as Simon just walked into the classroom and approached us. I fell silent, but he seemed to have already caught on to what was going on.
"What, you don't know? Why not? She actually fits you really well..." he immediately chimed in – had everyone conspired against me now?
"Oh please, don't you start too..." I tried to fend him off, but it was probably too late.
"Imagine, he doesn't want to kiss her either," Felix interjected again.
"Really? You can't just let that opportunity pass by?" Simon grinned at me mischievously. I felt a bit worse again when I thought about whom I would actually like to kiss right now. That could not come out.
I was just thinking about how to get out of this embarrassing situation when our German teacher's arrival saved me once again. "Good morning," she announced in a voice that suggested it didn't feel like one to her. "I need some grades from you, which is why you will all be working on a project." She got straight to the point. "You will work in pairs; I have already assigned the teams to keep things from getting out of hand. Your topics are listed on the information sheet that I will hand out. Any questions?" No one raised their hand. "Who is excited and can't wait to get started?" Very funny. But fine, let's just do that too...
When she presented the group assignments she had set, I was quite surprised. I would be working with Simon. He immediately turned around and smiled at me.
Finally something positive. But at the same time, doubts crept back in. What if he started to suspect something? I definitely had to hold back on the infatuation, and overall, I should stop thinking about him, as that would lead to nothing. Except maybe to ruining the friendship. In the worst case.
We were to present the epoch of Expressionism in a presentation. Well, too soon to be happy. Simon came over to discuss our approach.
"How do you want to do this? I think we should at least meet once so we can handle everything together and prepare, right?" he suggested.
"Yeah, that's true. When would you have time?" I asked.
"Hm, maybe today? That would work well for me."
"Yeah, okay, it works for me too. Where should we meet?"
"I don't really care, but it might be a bit tricky at my place," he replied, looking at me questioningly.
"You can come over to my place if you want! My parents and my sister won't be home this afternoon anyway..." Did I really just invite him to my house? I wondered if that was such a good idea. But well, why not, we were only going to study anyway.
"Sure, I'd love to!" Simon said, beaming at me. If he only knew what havoc he was wreaking on me with that look...
"Would it be okay for you if I come right after school? Because it takes a bit of time for me to drive home and then to you," he asked.
"No problem, we can do it that way." That settled everything, and I spent the rest of the school day alternating between looking forward to the afternoon, feeling a bit anxious, and convincing myself that we just wanted to do schoolwork and that it was nothing special.
"In the air I can feel something magical becoming real
From the other side looking in
Come on throw the dice and tonight we’ll win
(Live it) It’s the story of our lives
(Don’t give it) It’s the way we’ve always been
Though the mountains may divide, we can reach the sea
And I believe, we can change, we can make it more than a dream
And I believe, we can change, it’s not as strange as it might seem”
(Pet Shop Boys – More than a dream*)
When the class finally ended, we went home together, talking about all sorts of topics on the S-Bahn, just not about the schoolwork we were supposed to be doing. Just like always. We laughed a lot, and I was relieved that I had no problem being alone with him or talking to him normally.
“Do you want to eat something?” I asked when we arrived at my place. Yes, a little snack wouldn’t be bad before we got to the mandatory part, we both thought, and so we spent a few fun minutes looking for something to eat, preparing it, and consuming it.
Afterward, we went to my room, but instead of doing German as planned, Simon first took a closer look at my shelves while we continued to chat.
Suddenly, he became serious again and asked, “Why don’t you want to be with Lena?” Just like that, without warning, and no longer teasing like in the morning in front of Felix and Lukas, but rather curious and interested.
The answer “because I’m gay” was out of the question, but otherwise, I realized that I wanted to tell him at least part of the truth. At least as much as possible. I don’t know why, but the situation was completely different than at school, where I usually just felt embarrassed.
“I don’t know. Do you know the feeling when you’re really in love with someone, when you can only think about that person and would give anything to get closer to them? I just don’t feel that with Lena. I like her; she’s a very good friend, but unfortunately, nothing more.” Wow. Did I just say that, someone who had never had a relationship in 17 years and was generally labeled as “unromantic” by his environment?
“Hmm, yeah, I think I understand what you mean. I know that feeling,” Simon replied, still serious.
“Really? What about you? Do you have a girlfriend?” I dared to ask.
“No, but…” he started, then fell silent in the middle of the sentence.
“But?” I cautiously probed – I had no idea where I suddenly found the courage.
“Well, the feeling you just described. There’s someone for me that fits that description…”
“Cool,” I just replied, as I was somewhere between curiosity, hope, and disappointment.
“And what about you? Is there someone…?” Simon asked, looking at me seriously and questioningly. His gaze was somehow strange and hard to interpret.
“Hmm, yeah. I think so, but…” I stammered, as that was getting closer to the truth than I actually wanted. But something inside me compelled me not to change the subject as I would have liked to, but to hold his gaze.
Simon looked at me slightly sadly, then tried a smile, which didn’t really convince me. The situation was strange; I was sitting on my desk chair, he was on my bed only about a meter away. Somehow, I was extremely tense, I felt hot, and I noticed I was starting to tremble slightly.
“Paul…?” Simon began, but then he stopped, looked to the side, and said, “Sorry, maybe this is getting too personal; let’s leave it.”
“No, it’s okay, go ahead,” I replied, trying to make my voice sound friendly and not too nervous.
“You know, well… the person I meant… is you,” he murmured quietly, avoiding looking at me. I was speechless and couldn’t believe he had just said that. Could it really be that my deepest dreams were coming true right now?
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that… Maybe I should just go?” Simon asked now, tense, as I needed to process the information and couldn’t say anything yet.
“No, it’s okay… you know… I feel the same way…” I finally stammered and looked uncertainly at Simon, who now also looked quite surprised. Then I stood up, walked over to him, sat down next to him, and cautiously put my arm around his shoulder to comfort him and also to assure myself that it wasn’t a dream.
Simon also seemed to slowly realize what had just happened. He still looked at me uncertainly and asked, “Really?”
“Yes. That’s also the reason why nothing will happen with Lena. I… am gay.” Although he probably already figured that out himself, I still found it extremely difficult to say those words.
Now his expression brightened a bit; the tension seemed to fall away from him.
“Well, me too,” he mumbled, embarrassed.
And then we embraced, cuddled up to each other, and let ourselves sink back onto the bed. It felt incredibly and indescribably beautiful to be so close to him, to feel his body and to slowly stroke him. We looked into each other’s eyes, smiled at each other, and then our faces came closer together and we kissed. Once. Twice. And a little more often. This was surely one of the most beautiful moments of my life so far, and it felt so extremely good that I might as well not even start to describe it, as there are truly no words for this feeling. This must be what "happiness" feels like.
“A nervous boy in several ways
I never knew the world could operate this way
I was nervous when we stopped to speak
and the world came crashing around my feet
We don’t talk of love, we’re much too shy
but nervously we wonder when and why”
I felt how the constant touches all over my body excited me more and more, and Simon seemed to feel similarly. So it was only a matter of time before our hands began to explore the more intimate areas. Before I could no longer think clearly from excitement, I interrupted the stroking for a brief moment and looked at Simon uncertainly. “Should we stop?” I asked him slightly nervously. I didn’t want to push him into anything he might regret later. Instead of answering, he just smiled at me happily, shook his head, and continued with his caresses, which now dangerously aimed toward my groin. He commented on this with a cheeky grin, and I just had to kiss him again. I think I was in love.
Later, we both lay still on my bed for several minutes, trying to comprehend what had just happened, then I turned on my side and kissed him. He still felt just as incredible as at the beginning. I would have never thought it possible that I could feel something like this.
“I don’t know why
it always comes as a surprise
to find I’m here with you
You smile and I am rubbing my eyes
at a dream come true”
After we had gotten dressed again after a while, we realized it had gotten quite late. Of course, we hadn’t done any German, but at that moment, we both didn’t care at all!
“I think I love you!” I whispered softly into his ear, to which he smiled at me, kissed me again, and said, “I love you too.”
Of course, there were plenty of questions we wanted to ask each other, but since he had to go home soon, we decided to wait until the next day.
“I don’t think I can pretend nothing happened at school tomorrow,” Simon said as we said goodbye, and I had to agree with him.
“Whatever, it just has to work. No one can notice anything,” I said. He nodded seriously, and then he left after we kissed one more time to say goodbye.
When my parents and sister came home a little later, I had already cleared away all possible traces and acted as if nothing had happened, which they bought, even though the others were surely wondering why I was suddenly so unusually cheerful.
“You can live your life lonely, heavy as stone
Live your life learning and working alone
Say this is all you want, but I don’t believe that it’s true
‘cause when you least expect it, waiting round the corner for you
Love comes quickly, whatever you do, you can’t stop falling
Love comes quickly, whatever you do, you can’t stop falling
I know it sounds ridiculous but speaking from experience
It may seem romantic and that’s no defence
love will always get to you”