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He had to see him again. The two weeks at training camp had gone by way too quickly. He had noticed him the first evening at the Hüttenzauber. He had been quite embarrassed that he only realised later that he was talking to a bronze medallist who was considered a strong contender for the upcoming German championship. But he had never been much into figure skating. At least not until that day. In the meantime, that had changed a bit, thanks in no small part to a petite blonde man from Essen. He hadn't seen him in a month, at least not live and in colour. He always carried his picture on his mobile phone with him, and whenever he had the chance, he looked at it. When he thought he was alone, he often stroked it, too. Once, Tom, his teammate, had almost caught him doing it when he had pulled out his phone after ice hockey practice. Fortunately, Tom hadn't noticed that he had turned a little red in the face. How could he have explained to him that he had fallen in love with a man – he, the heartthrob of his entire level?
On the first evening, they had talked for hours – as far as the background noise allowed. Well, he had to admit that he had only listened most of the time. But what could he do? He just couldn't compete with such a chatterbox. He couldn't help but grin when he thought about how their hands had met in the pretzel basket. He had felt a sudden tingle through his body and a glance into his eyes had told him that she had felt the same way. Just at that moment, their trainer had appeared on the scene and shooed them into bed. At least they were going the same way, since all the athletes were staying at the hotel belonging to the sports centre, albeit on different floors. He was glad that it was dark, so his team members hadn't noticed that their hands had kept meeting and then finally intertwined. In the hotel, they then faced the difficult question of how to say goodbye. He couldn't explain it to himself, but he felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him. He thought he had overcome this phase, that it was just a pubertal emotional aberration when he had fallen in love with his best friend back then. It shouldn't be. He had told himself that again and again in the years before, but it could no longer be denied. But he hadn't dared to kiss him in front of his mates, instead just saying a succinct ‘Sleep well’. He hadn't been able to get rid of the sad expression in his blue eyes all night and had tossed from side to side. At some point around 6 o'clock he had thrown on his jogging suit to go for a run. If he had known how cold it was outside, he might have thought twice about it, but then he would have missed something wonderful. A smile came over his face as he thought of the collision. With his head bowed, he had swept around a corner and run straight into him. After a moment of shock, or more of amazement, they had both had to laugh. In the light of the rising sun, they had finally fallen into each other's arms and kissed, hesitantly at first and then more fervently.
‘Essen Hauptbahnhof’ the announcement sounded and thus brought him out of his daydream.
He quickly gathered his things together. He put his mobile phone, which he had held the whole way from Munich to Essen, in his pocket, but not without having cast a longing glance at it again.
On his way to his father, he was overcome by slight doubts. Perhaps he should have informed him in advance that he was not coming to Essen for a weekend visit. But so far he had always got along quite well with him, even though contact over the years had been mainly limited to phone calls. The distance between Munich and Essen was no mere stone's throw, and his father had been so busy with the courier service and, more recently, his bar that he hadn't been able to visit him. However, he doubted that this was really the only reason. His mother didn't have a good word to say about his father, and since she had been with Hans-Peter, it had only got worse. He didn't even want to think about Hans-Peter. But first of all he had to make sure he caught the right bus, because he didn't have enough money for a taxi.
After going halfway around Essen, he finally stood in front of the 7th school. He had thought about it back and forth and came to the conclusion that it was better not to tell his father that he wanted to stay longer. He would turn 18 in two days. Then he could finally do whatever he wanted. Hans-Peter had only behaved like that last week. ‘As long as you keep your feet under my table...’ he had shouted. Well, it really was his table. His mother had insisted that they move in with him. Maybe he should have insisted on moving in with his father back then. But who knew what awaited him here. His dad hadn't said anything about having a new girlfriend, but who knew. In any case, he knew only one thing: he could no longer live under the same roof with Hans-Peter. After the announcement, he almost came for his throat. All the more reason to come to Essen.
Just then, the door to the 7 was flung open and his father stood in the doorway. ‘I wasn't expecting you yet. I thought you weren't coming until midday.’
‘I caught an earlier train.’ He thought it better to keep to himself the fact that he had left the house at dawn, just so that no one would notice that he had brought a bit too many clothes for a weekend.
After Marian had greeted him properly, he apologised because he absolutely had to go to the wholesale store again before it closed. So Deniz was handed the keys to the apartment and was put off until later. But what was he supposed to do alone in the empty apartment? After all, he had come to Essen to see HIM. The man who had taken his heart by storm didn't even know that he was in Essen yet.
The night before, he had been on the verge of telling him about his plans, but for one thing Roman had talked about his training and other things almost the whole time, so he hardly got a word in edgewise, and for another thing he wanted to surprise him. He was curious to see how he would react when he saw him. They had been talking on the phone every day, but it wasn't the same somehow. He wanted to see him, smell him, taste him and, above all, kiss him. And he wanted to do it right now.
He should actually be training at this time. He would just go and have a look at the ice rink; he couldn't miss the Steinkamp Centre, and he would find him somewhere.
Why all those years of training in wooing women weren't good for anything, he thought to himself with a grin as he finally stood in the ice rink. And there he was... in the middle of the ice. Since only the ice rink was well lit and the hall was otherwise relatively dark, he was able to approach unnoticed by Roman and the guy who was obviously his trainer. He didn't want to disturb him while training, and besides, he could watch him gliding over the ice undisturbed, feel sorry for him when he fell, picked himself up and cursed as he continued skating.
‘Roman, now concentrate at last! Why do you go to the training camp at all if you're almost skating worse than before?’ he was shouted at by his trainer.
Although it only flitted across his face for a moment, he had seen it, the smile.
‘Mike, don't overdo it, I just didn't sleep well. Okay?’
‘All right, let's call it a day. It's not working out anyway.’ Mike said goodbye.
Deniz was just about to get up to go to him when he saw Roman skating to the centre of the ice, closing his eyes for a moment and then starting to skate. It was all so different from before. His movements seemed much more powerful and in some places softer, and everything was different. This was a completely different programme. Even he could see that, although he was no figure skating expert. He watched him as if spellbound and enjoyed the sight. It was only when Roman was standing in the middle of the ice, gasping for air, that he entered the ice and approached him from behind. Roman was obviously somewhere else with his thoughts, at least he didn't notice him until he was only 5 metres away.
‘Deniz? What are you doing here?’ he approached him and they fell into each other's arms. But when he wanted to kiss him, Roman held him back. ’Not here, please. I still have something to tell you.’
What was that supposed to mean? And why did Roman suddenly look so sad?
‘But not here... will you come to the changing room with me?’ Roman tried to delay the conversation because he didn't know how to break it to Deniz. Above all, he wanted to avoid Mike seeing them together. The fewer people who knew about them, the better.
Deniz looked at him suspiciously, but then agreed. What did it all mean? Yesterday he had told him on the phone how much he would miss him and now this? Did Roman have a friend he didn't know about? But that couldn't be, could it, considering how often they had talked on the phone? And the content of the phone calls? How often had he said, ‘I love you... I miss you... How I'd love to be with you and lie next to you, kiss you, touch you.’ It couldn't have all been an act. But on the other hand... Roman had never given him his landline number and the email address was also meaningless. No reference to Roman Wild. Something to do with Bergmann and Essen. Okay, that could have something to do with the fact that he had a certain degree of fame and not everyone should immediately find out his private email address. But why a miner? Essen was obvious, after all Roman lived in Essen. But what did he have to do with mining? What did his father actually do for a living? He hadn't really told him much, just that his parents had emigrated to Australia. But it didn't make sense. In the two weeks they had spent in Oberstdorf, they hadn't been able to get enough of each other. They hung around together in every free minute that training left them. In retrospect, though, it was a bit strange that Roman never tried to kiss him when someone was around. He himself hadn't dared to do so until the end, although he was often on the verge of doing so. But there was always one of his hockey buddies nearby and he was simply afraid of their reactions. Luckily, Roman had a single room, unlike him, so at least they could get close to each other there. Even on the day of his departure, they had to say goodbye there because Roman had to go to some kind of examination. But why? Did he really have a friend in Essen?
While Deniz was still lost in thought, Roman had already pulled the schooners over the runners and left the ice, so that Deniz had trouble following him. As soon as he had entered the changing room, Roman had already closed the door and pushed him against the locker. Almost at the same time, he felt Roman's hand on the back of his neck and the other on his hip. ‘Roman, what...’ He didn't get to say more because Roman had started to kiss him passionately. He needed to know why he had rejected him on the ice, but there were those tender lips on his... the hand that had meanwhile moved from his hip to the back and was making its way into his jeans. How often had he wished in the past few weeks to finally feel Roman again?
Deniz was so busy indulging in the touch and exploring the body of his counterpart with his hands and tongue that he hadn't even realised that he had asked him a question. Grinning, Roman repeated, ‘Are you coming in the shower with me?’ and pulled him in that direction. In record time, they undressed and jumped into the shower. They had hardly started to soap each other up when they heard the door being flung open and a man's voice calling, ‘Roman, are you coming to the bar later?’ It took Roman a moment to answer, but he did so in a markedly cheerful tone: ‘Yeah, sure.’
That was... Why did Roman look so shocked? Was he afraid of being discovered in the shower with him? There they were again, his doubts... He had to clear it up once and for all. ‘Roman, what's going on?’
‘I'm not gay.’ Deniz heard the words coming out of Roman's mouth, but he couldn't believe them. Why did he say something like that? And why did he have tears in his eyes? He hadn't just imagined the last few weeks and especially the two in Oberstdorf. Before Deniz could even ask or say anything, Roman stormed out of the shower and began to put on his clothes, wet as he was, which naturally didn't work very well.
‘Roman, don't run away. Please talk to me.’ When there was no reaction from him, Deniz sat down in front of him, took his head in his hands and forced him to look at him. ’Why aren't you gay? What does it all mean?’
Instead of an answer, there were only more tears, which obviously embarrassed Roman. He tried to wipe away the tears with his hands as best he could and to collect himself. As long as he didn't look Deniz directly in the eye, it worked quite well, but if he did risk a glance, the tears immediately shot into his eyes again. He was a man of 23 years old and yet he cried like a little baby, he couldn't even manage that. He shouldn't have allowed himself to have feelings for Deniz in the first place. He knew it was a mistake, but that evening everything had been so different. It had never happened to him before, seeing a man who had fascinated him from the first moment. Quite unlike his usual behaviour, he had told him things that no one knew except his best friend. That evening, for the first time in a long time, he felt the same way he did before a certain event. When their hands had met in the pretzel basket, it had shot through his body like lightning. He had simply not thought about it anymore, but for once just listened to his heart. Time had flown by and so he hadn't even noticed what time it actually was. The coaches were just doing their duty, but he would have liked to have begged one of them to allow him a few more minutes or shouted at him. In the end, he let it be, especially since he had to get up really early the next morning. The way to the hotel could have taken forever for him. He would have loved to have enjoyed the closeness to Deniz a little longer and felt Deniz' warm hand in his. When they finally arrived at the hotel, he could only think: now finally kiss me. He had already had the impression that Deniz wanted to, but didn't dare to. The cold air had also made him sober up a bit, and so he was almost a little glad that Deniz hadn't kissed him. Because then everything would have come out right away.
When he was lying in his bed, he had imagined what it would have felt like to feel Deniz's lips on his. And with every hour he turned from one side to the other, the thought became more intense. How could he forget Deniz? He would see him every day until his departure in two weeks. But he had to be tough and could not afford any weakness. He hadn't slept a minute by dawn. Since exercise usually helped him in such moments, he decided to go running. However, he couldn't really switch off his mind. His thoughts revolved around one particular man the whole time. So he hadn't noticed that Deniz was running through the forest not far from him the whole time, and they collided at a corner. Even though it was still half-dark, one look was enough to switch his mind off again. He didn't know how long they had stood there kissing. But from the cold he felt afterwards, it must have been quite a while. The sun had already risen by now and a few rays of sunshine had found their way through the clouds. He wondered how they should continue. Before he could come to a conclusion, Deniz had more or less given him the answer by suddenly pulling away from him and stepping half a metre away from him. He hadn't reacted a second too soon, because at that moment several joggers, who turned out to be Deniz's team members, emerged from the forest. Obviously the others hadn't noticed anything, at least only a puzzled-sounding ‘Good morning. You're up early’ rang out before they ran on. He had never asked him about his reaction, otherwise Deniz might have asked questions he didn't want to or couldn't answer.
When they returned to the hotel, they didn't really know what to do. They couldn't possibly go for breakfast looking like that, but they didn't want to split up either.
‘I, er... I have to tell you something,’ Deniz had finally stuttered. Oh God, when he thought about all the things that had flashed through his mind. Starting with “Sorry, but I've got a boyfriend” and ending with “Do you have any condoms?” He had no idea how he had come up with that. It was just a sudden thought. At first glance, Deniz seemed like the typical daredevil who took everything that wasn't tied down, but when you got to know him better, you realised that he was quite different inside. But the confession that Deniz finally made to him in his room, because he couldn't really get it over his lips out in the hallway, did surprise him a little. This good-looking man had never been with a man before? Deniz had probably misunderstood his reaction at the time and was about to leave the room in disappointment when he had held him by the shoulder. But how was he supposed to make him understand what was going on in him? How was he supposed to explain to him that their relationship had no future? He secretly would have liked nothing more than for them to be able to stay together. He didn't just want a one-night stand and that was it. This man had managed to make his heart beat faster and awaken feelings in him that he had suppressed for so long, but there could simply be no future for them.
After they had just looked into each other's eyes for a moment, he finally broke the silence and suggested going to the shower together. When he saw Deniz's shocked face, he immediately added: ‘Just showering, nothing else. Or would you rather shower alone?’ Deniz had just shaken his head silently and then slowly opened his tracksuit jacket. When he stood there in front of him in his white vest, which accentuated his muscles even more, he had to swallow hard. He had then also started to undress himself as if in a trance. Over time, they had picked up the pace and so it wasn't long before they were standing naked in front of each other. It wasn't as if he didn't often see other men naked, even if only in the changing room, but to see Deniz like that... He seemed to feel the same way.
Luckily, the shower was big enough for two people. After he had set the temperature to just the right level, he stepped in and invited Deniz to follow, which he did, a little hesitantly. So much for the daredevil, he thought to himself. At first timidly and then with more and more confidence with each passing minute, they soaped each other up. They kissed each other repeatedly in between. Over time, they were no longer able to hide their mutual arousal. He really hadn't been sure whether he was going too far with this, but when he hadn't been able to detect anything in Deniz's eyes that spoke against it, he had slowly begun to caress him below the waist. Deniz seemed to like it, at least he rested his head on the tiled wall and closed his eyes. Deniz's arousal had increased with every touch and he had heard a soft groan that seemed to get louder and louder, culminating in a loud moan of ‘Roman’. Afterwards, he seemed a little embarrassed about that, but he had returned his kiss quite demanding. When he felt Deniz trying to give him the same pleasure, he had wanted to stop him at first, but he hadn't been dissuaded and so it wasn't long before he too was standing in the shower breathing heavily. As he tried to catch his breath, he laid his head on Deniz's shoulder and put his arms around his waist. They were standing very close together and he could feel the heartbeat of his counterpart. How should this continue? Two weeks were not long, and then Deniz would return to Munich and he would also return to Essen shortly afterwards. Meanwhile, there had already been a knock on the door and his trainer had shouted something about ‘breakfast’ and then disappeared again.
A voice pulled him out of his thoughts, ‘Roman?’ What should he say to him now? Should he tell him everything? How would he react?
‘Roman, what's going on? What do you mean you're not gay?’
‘No one here knows that I'm gay. Everyone thinks I'm with Annette, but we're just friends. But it won't work for much longer anyway, because she's in love with Ingo, but she doesn't want to tell him so that it won't come out that we're not really together. But that's just not on. You should see her when she sits there looking like a picture of misery, secretly pining for him. And Ingo really likes her too, he told me that himself. I can't let the two of them be unhappy because of me... But if the press gets wind of the fact that I'm gay, then everyone here will soon know and I... I... I don't want to experience that again.’
‘What don't you want to experience again?’ Deniz asked cautiously because he realised how difficult it was for Roman to talk about it.
In his mind, he was reliving the terrible event and the time afterwards in the hospital. He couldn't stop the tears that were running down his cheeks incessantly, even though it was extremely embarrassing for him to cry in front of Deniz.
‘Hey, come here,’ whispered Deniz, pulling him into his arms. With his head on Deniz's chest, he slowly calmed down and finally sat up again. He had to tell him now. Then hopefully he would understand why he couldn't come out as gay. He took another deep breath and wiped away his tears with his hands.
‘A couple of homophobic a... beat me up a few years ago in the village where I originally came from, so badly that I was in a coma for a week. And do you know what my father's first comment was?’
‘No.’
‘You see, that's what you get. I told you right away that it would end badly for you.’
‘Excuse me??? What does that mean? He's crazy. And what did your mother say?’
‘Nothing. She just cried.’
‘And then? I hope you told him what you thought.’
‘Yes I did. And when I was halfway okay again, I left. I thought it would be better here in Essen. I also met someone straight away and fell in love with him. Later it turned out that the guy just wanted someone for one night. So I swore to myself that I wouldn't fall in love again.’
‘But...’ Deniz started.
Roman took his hand and looked deep into his eyes.
‘With you it was somehow different. I can't explain it to you either, but somehow I felt immediately that there was something between us, even though we didn't know each other at all. When our hands met in the pretzel basket... that was... yes, that was like being struck by lightning.’
‘Me too.’ grinned Deniz, and with that he conjured a small smile onto Roman's lips again. “Hey, you're smiling again. I like you much better like that.’
‘You nut.” Roman laughed back and punched him lightly.
For a moment they embraced, until Deniz pulled away because a question was bothering him: ’But why are you with Annette then?’
‘I took her to an event at the very beginning of my career here because she really wanted to meet an actor who was supposed to come. Well, and the press then made her out to be my girlfriend. And suddenly I got lucrative sponsorship deals without end. And it kept coming up that they were looking for a figure skater just like that. Just a straight guy with a girlfriend. One of them even said to me that he had actually thought I was gay and that he wouldn't have signed me if he had known.’
‘But there must be sponsors who don't have such a stupid attitude,’ Deniz objected.
‘It's not that easy.’
‘Do your friends at least know that you're gay?’
‘No, nobody knows except for Annette.’
‘Unbelievable!’
‘And you? Now don't tell me that everyone knows about you. I don't believe that.’
He probably shouldn't have stuck his neck out so far, Deniz thought to himself. Should he admit that nobody knew except for Kerstin? And even that confession hadn't been entirely voluntary. You see, she had caught him one day secretly looking longingly at Roman's picture on his mobile phone during a break. He had taken it on their last evening when Roman had come out of the shower with damp hair and only wearing a towel. A few water droplets were still glistening on his upper body. Just as he was about to imagine licking them up with his tongue, he heard footsteps behind him. He was able to change the menu in a flash, but couldn't prevent the blush from rising to his face. Of course, Kerstin had immediately asked him what he had been looking at and had made assumptions. When she had told him that he must love the man in the photo very much, he had only been able to nod. It was only a few seconds later that he realised that he hadn't said anything about a man before. Yet he had been sure that she hadn't been able to see anything. During their conversation, it turned out that Kerstin had always had a hunch. Unfortunately, the break was over much too quickly and so they arranged to meet again that afternoon. He was glad to finally be able to talk to someone about his feelings. He had never talked so much in one go as he did that afternoon. Kerstin had listened to him carefully the whole time, only asking a few questions now and then. Later, he asked her how she had come up with the idea that he was in love with a man, and she told him about her penchant for gay love stories. At first, he couldn't believe that a heterosexual woman could be interested in it, but the way Kerstin talked about it made it very clear to him how passionate she was about it. But Kerstin had always been different from the girls in his class anyway. If only he had known beforehand what she was interested in, he could have talked about his feelings much earlier and maybe stood by them, but it wasn't that easy. He was simply afraid of the others' reactions. And so they had agreed that it should remain their little secret for the time being. In their year, they were soon being talked about as the new dream couple, as often as they hung out together. At the beginning, she had denied the rumours and acted very chummy, but that's exactly what the others saw as proof that they were together after all.
The day before, Kerstin had invited him over. On his way to her, he had met a gay couple who obviously had no problem kissing in public. He must have stared at them involuntarily, at least that's what one of them had said to him. He had been terribly embarrassed, so he had quickly sought to get away. He had actually only imagined that he and Roman could kiss like that. But Roman had been far away in Essen and so he had arrived at Kerstin's rather disgruntled. But somehow she had managed to build him up. When they had also watched the film Summer Storm together, it had become clear to him that he finally had to face up to his feelings, even if it might be difficult. After another evening discussion with his stepfather, he had finally had enough. He didn't want to burden Roman with his problems. Not in the middle of the preparations for the German Championships. It was only in their last phone call that he had complained that he hardly had time to catch his breath between training sessions and had finally called Kerstin and told her about the gay couple. It was she who had encouraged him to go to Essen.
And now he was here, but still no further. He had hoped that Roman could help him with his coming out, but the way it looked now, it would probably be the other way around.
‘Roman, I...’ he started and broke off again. What should he say to him? He didn't even know that Marian was his father. Oh God, he didn't even want to think about his Dad. He wasn't exactly a devout Muslim and otherwise very open-minded, but would he be able to accept his son's homosexuality? An uncomfortable feeling was slowly spreading in the pit of his stomach.
‘Deniz, say something,’ Roman urged him. The sound of his voice, the look in his blue eyes and his hand gently stroking his neck... that's exactly what he had missed so much in the last few weeks, and suddenly he was sure: he finally wanted to show everyone how much he loved Roman. Together they would make it somehow.
‘I...’ Deniz started to say, but was suddenly interrupted by the door being pushed open. Roman just managed to pull his hand back. Mike didn't really know what to make of the situation. Roman, who had obviously been crying, and what on earth was that strange man doing in the changing room, dressed only in a towel? He had seen him somewhere before, but he didn't know where. But he didn't have time to worry about that now. Actually, he had only come to let Roman know that he couldn't wait any longer. Originally, he had wanted to discuss the freestyle elements with him again, but if he didn't hurry, someone else would get the apartment he had applied for, like so many others. Sleeping in the car wasn't exactly pleasant in the long run, and besides, the apartment was quite close to the city centre and the rent was affordable.
Roman was just glad that Mike was in such a hurry. What should he have told him who Deniz was? He wouldn't necessarily have passed as a figure skater, especially since Mike knew most of the skaters at least by sight. And tell him who he really was? Could he take that risk? Who was to say that he wouldn't accidentally let something slip? Especially when he thought about how talkative his trainer became when he had a drink. He could tell Deniz that he was disappointed, but it wasn't going to be as quick and easy as Deniz had imagined. If he came out now, he might lose a large part of his sponsors, and that would put his position on the Steinkamp team on somewhat shaky ground. Okay, he had won a medal, but would that save him from being fired? He wasn't so sure about that. Besides, how long would Deniz stay anyway? Hardly longer than the weekend. He hadn't even brought a change of clothes. By tomorrow at the latest, he would be alone again... alone with his fears, but also with his desires, which had been with him again and again over the last few weeks. The few minutes a day that they talked on the phone were simply not enough. But he couldn't ask Deniz to give up everything in Munich, nor could he just go with him to Bavaria. There was a lot at stake for both of them. For Deniz, it was his A-levels, and he was about to win the championship. Actually, he should now be concentrating fully on his training, but how could he manage that? He had the physical ability to be up there with the leaders, but as long as his mind and especially his heart were elsewhere, it wasn't of much use to him. But for now, other things were more important. They couldn't sit here any longer. The training of the in-house ice hockey team was about to begin.
While Roman had been lost in thought, Deniz had got dressed and now threw him his jacket. ‘Here, put this on quickly, otherwise you'll catch a cold.’ He had smiled gratefully at him and thought how nice it would be to just put his arm around Deniz's waist and go home with him... But he couldn't... Even though he felt more like crying, he tried not to let it show. In Oberstdorf, everything was different. They hadn't been alone there either, but it hadn't been so hard for him to keep their love a secret. Most of the day was taken up with training anyway, and when they went jogging together in the morning and evening, no one had suspected anything. No one had ever noticed that they kept taking breaks to kiss and hug each other. And otherwise there was always the hotel room. But he couldn't very well go to a hotel with Deniz here in Essen. Should he take him to the loft? Annette knew that he was gay, but the others?
Without knowing it, Deniz answered the question for him: ‘Don't be angry with me, but I have to go and see my dad. He's probably back from the wholesale market already.’
‘Your dad?’ Oh yes, Marian, the new tenant of the pub in the neighbourhood. As far as he knew, he had named it the ‘Seven’.
‘Are you coming to the ‘Sieben’?’
‘Does your father know?’
‘Of course he knows I'm coming. We've already seen each other,’ said Deniz, avoiding the answer that Roman was actually expecting.
‘I didn't mean that, but whether he knows that you're gay and, above all, that we're together. We are, aren't we?’