07-10-2025, 06:38 PM
Beep... Beep... Beep
I jumped up and had to collect myself to realize where I was. “Ouch, my head!” was the first thing I thought of. The last beer yesterday evening, at the birthday party, must have been bad. But I hadn't even drunk that much.
Beep... Beep... Beep
Oh this alarm clock, one of these days I'll throw it against the wall. I switched it off. Today was the last day before the summer vacation started. That also meant that there would be certificates. *yuck*
But mine wasn't that bad this year, we had already been told some grades in advance. In German I had a 2, in math also and in English a 3. So the transfer to the tenth grade was secured.
But now out of bed and into the bathroom before mom gets up and the bathroom is occupied again. Which actually happened very rarely.
At this point, I should perhaps introduce myself: My name is Marc and I'm 15 years old, but will be turning 16 in a few days. Unfortunately, I'm always unlucky enough to have a birthday during the summer vacation. null
I am 1.85 cm tall and have a sturdy build. I live with my mother in a three-room apartment in the Sauerland region. My father left when I was three years old, and I have been living with my mother and also with my grandparents ever since. My grandfather died five years ago and my grandmother three years ago.
For the last two years, my mother has been with a man called Horst. I got on reasonably well with him. He also had a daughter about my age, who I got on very well with.
I didn't have much contact with my father because he kept moving house. For the last year, he's been living on the same street as us again and I've got on quite well with him.
Oh yes, and one more thing: I'm gay.
I've known this for a long time. I've always been more interested in boys than girls. I also had my first experience with a boy at an early age, with whom I grew up.
But nothing had happened for a year because he had a girlfriend by then. But it was always clear to me that nothing would ever come of us.
I was never really in love with him, it just was what it was. But I digress. ;o)
Nobody knew that I was gay. I was just too afraid of the reactions. There were a lesbian couple living in our building, and nobody had a problem with them, but I still didn't dare to come out.
Two years ago, I was really smitten: I was truly in love for the first time. A new family had moved into the house next door with three boys. Two were older, the youngest was my age.
When I saw him at the window for the first time, I was already smitten. We became friends quite quickly and I was just happy.
But that didn't last long when he introduced me to his first girlfriend. I was so jealous back then. I really tried hard to get them apart just to have him to myself. Yes, yes, you can be quite nasty at that age. ;o)
But at some point I realized that it was pointless, and we are still very good friends now.
Ah, the shower felt good. So, now get dressed and wake up mom, if she wasn't up already.
Which of course she wasn't, as I then realized.
Hm, what should I wear today, I thought to myself as I stood in front of the wardrobe. But the clothes were quickly found and now it was time to get into the kitchen and make coffee. It was already half past six.
I opened the bedroom door carefully and saw that she was still sleeping peacefully. First of all, I raised the blinds and then woke her up, otherwise I wouldn't get her out of bed.
No sooner said than done, and as I raised the blinds I heard her voice: “Good morning, son, did you sleep well?”
“Morning, Mom, yes, thank you, you too? Come on, get up, coffee's already on.”
“Five more minutes, then I'll come.”
“Okay, if you don't, then it's the water glass!”
“Out!”
And just like that, she was gone again. I set the breakfast table and after five minutes my mom finally came.
“I'll go to the bathroom quickly and then I'll come.”
“OK, see you in a minute.”
I knew her “quick” – it was now five to seven when she finally came out of the bathroom.
“So, are you excited about the report card today?“ she asked me.
“Not really, since I already know most of the grades,” I replied.
“How long do you have school today?”
“I think until 11 o'clock, said Mrs. Schürmann, I mean.”
Mrs. Schürmann had been my class teacher since the fifth grade and now in the tenth year I would no longer have her.
“Are you coming to the store or will I see you tonight?” my mother wanted to know. She is self-employed and has had her own hairdressing business for years.
“I guess I'll stop by the shop, I have to pick up my reward money, and I also want to go to the cemetery. And I could use a haircut again,” I replied.
Since my grandmother passed away, I always went to the cemetery on such occasions. I had a very close relationship with my grandmother and I missed her terribly.
“If you're going to the cemetery, you might as well pull some weeds. So... you want money again.”
“Yep, I do, and the weeding's fine.”
“Now get a move on, otherwise the bus will be gone and I don't want to have to drive you back to school.”
“Yes, yes, old man is not a fast train, I'm already gone,” I said and off I went. Outside, as every morning, I met Daniela, who lived in the neighboring house and also went to my school. She was a year younger than me.
“Morning Danni, how's it going? Are you looking forward to the holidays?”
“Morning Marc, yes, all good, and yourself? Where were you last night? We missed you. Of course I'm looking forward to it. Silly question, can only come from you.”
“Yep, everything's fine. Yesterday was Horst's birthday, though, as I mentioned. You know me, I always ask such questions,” I said, winking at her.
“Oh yes, that's right, we had totally forgotten. Are we meeting this afternoon?”
“I'm going to the shop after school and then to the cemetery, but I think I'll show up around 3 p.m. Schoolyard as always or at the BHW?”
“You've probably had your hair cut again, haven't you? In the schoolyard – Sven, Timo, Bodo, Michael and Manuela were also going to come.”
We talked a bit more and then the bus arrived. We either always met in the schoolyard of the primary school, which was directly opposite our house, or we went to the BHW, which is a workshop for the disabled very close by.
At school, it was as usual on the last day, everyone was in a good mood, even the teachers. We had already organized a farewell gift for Mrs. Schürmann: a large bouquet of flowers and a card on which we had all signed a poem we had written ourselves.
She was very happy. Then finally the school reports were handed out and I was really satisfied.
Now there were no school for the next six weeks.
So I made my way home. For that I just had to go down the street. In the morning I always took the bus up because I didn't feel like walking up the whole mountain. After all, it was almost two kilometers to school. But I always walked downhill.
When I arrived at the last part, I saw a truck standing at the neighboring house from afar.
Oh, I thought to myself, finally someone is moving into the ground floor apartment. Since I am curious by nature, I walked a little faster to see who the new neighbors were.
On the short walk, my imagination ran wild again: that a cute boy would move in there, who would then fall in love with me. Yes, dreaming is a beautiful thing.
I approached and saw two women, one about the same age as my mother, and the other I estimated to be around 20 years old. I thought to myself, that's not going to work out with a cute boy.
I was already within earshot when the older woman suddenly shouted: “Markus, hurry up and don't dawdle around so much, there are still lots of boxes to be carried in.”
Markus, I thought, either her husband or her boyfriend or my sweet dream boy.
And sure enough, a boy came out of the house. I guessed him to be 14 or 15 years old. He was wearing a flannel shirt and blue jeans, had medium-length brown hair and was simply stunning.
I only had eyes for him. And then it happened as it had to happen: I ran over his mother.
“Excuse me, I was lost in thought. I'm really sorry.”
“It's okay, it can happen to anyone,” she replied.
Her son couldn't help but laugh.
Suddenly I had an idea how I could find out a little more about this cute boy.
“Can I help you with something, since I'm already so scatterbrained and running around you? My name is Marc and I live next door.“ I pointed to our house.
“Oh, that would be great. Nice to meet you, Marc, my name is Birgit Steinbach and these are my daughter Melanie and my son Markus,” she introduced her children to me.
“Steinbach, you're not related to Regina, are you? She has two sons, Timo and Dominik. She also lives up the street. Dominik is in my class.”
“Yes, I am related to her, she's my sister-in-law. I didn't know she lived here either. I haven't seen my nephews in ages,” she said happily.
What a coincidence, I thought to myself.
“That's really a coincidence. Well, let's get started,” I said, and off we went.
After half an hour, the last boxes were stowed in the apartment. During that time, I had only exchanged a few words with Markus.
“Thank you for your help Marc, come over for dinner sometime. As a small token of my appreciation,” Birgit said, patting me on the shoulder.
“Thanks for the invitation, I'll be sure to take you up on it. But now I have to go. I still have to go to my mother's business, which is another 15-minute bike ride away. She's probably wondering where I am.”
We said goodbye and as I was leaving the apartment, Markus came up behind me.
“Marc, please wait a minute,“ he said.
I turned around and smiled at him.
“Yes, what is it?” I replied.
“How long are you going to be at your mother's? Don't you want to meet up this afternoon and do something together?” Markus wanted to know.
I looked at the clock and thought about it.
“Now it's just after noon and I think I'll be back here around 3 p.m. We can meet there at 3:30.” I pointed to the other side of the street, where there was a small island cordoned off by chains that led to the library.
“Ok, see you later,” he said, and I replied, ”Ok, see you later.”
He turned around and went back inside. I then also made my way. Quickly up to the apartment, put my things away and then get the bike and off to my mom's.
I couldn't stop thinking about Markus during the whole drive. He was really good-looking and my imagination ran wild again. I brought myself back to reality by thinking that someone like that is gay. I couldn't help thinking about the story with Michael and decided not to fall in love head over heels again so quickly.
At my mother's shop, everything went quite quickly: I got 25 euros for the certificate and then made my way to the cemetery. There I talked to grandma for a while and, as promised, pulled the weeds. There weren't many, but I had dawdled so much that it was already close to 3:00 p.m.
But now I had to get going and head home. I still had to change and I wanted to quickly take a shower.
When I came up the street, I saw someone sitting on the chains. I looked at the clock, but it was only ten past three. So I was definitely not late. I really hate being unpunctual. I'm always early when I'm meeting someone.
As I got closer, I recognized Markus. He waved at me and I waved back.
He came over to me across the street as I stopped in front of the building and locked my bike.
“Hi, you're already here,“ he greeted me.
“Hi Markus, yep, I just want to quickly take a shower and change. Do you want to come up or wait for me down here?” I asked him.
“Oh, if you don't mind, I'll come up with you.”
“Well, let's go,” I said.
I unlocked the front door and we went up the two flights of stairs. Just as I unlocked the apartment door, the phone rang.
“Marc Hochmann?” I answered. It was my mother.
“Hi Marc, it's me. Could you do me a favor and vacuum once? I forgot to tell you earlier.”
“Okay, Mom, I'll do it. Anything else?” I asked.
“No, that's it. Will you be home tonight when I come home?”
“I don't think so. Why? Are you going out?”
“Yes, I'm meeting Horst. I guess I won't see you until tomorrow morning. Be nice and take care. Love you.”
“I'm always sweet and I'll do that. I love you too. See you later!” I said and hung up.
Markus was still standing in the hallway at the apartment door.
“That was my mother, I still have to vacuum. Why don't you come to my room and make yourself comfortable. You can turn on the TV, I'll just swing the vacuum and then go take a shower.”
“Ok,“ he replied and followed me into my room.
After 20 minutes I was finished vacuuming and showering and came into my room. Markus was watching VIVA.
“So, I'm ready, shall we?” I asked him.
“Yeah, we can. That reminds me, what do we want to do?” he wanted to know.
“That's a good question. We can also stay here and watch TV or a movie and talk,” I suggested.
He agreed and we decided to leave VIVA on and told each other a lot.
We got along quite well right away because we had a lot of common interests. He liked to play volleyball and ride his bike, just like me. Markus was 15, like me, but I was about to turn 16.
We didn't even notice how time passed, and suddenly I heard the front door.
I looked at the clock in shock. It was already half past six.
“Hi Mom,“ I called.
“Hi, you're home after all. I thought you wanted to leave?” my mother called and opened the door to my room.
“Yes, we wanted to, but somehow we forgot the time chatting. May I introduce Markus, he has moved in next door with his mother and sister. He is the nephew of Regina Steinbach.”
“Hi Markus, I'm Christel. So, from Regina? So the cousin of Timo and Dominik. That reminds me, he called earlier at the shop and asked if you were still there.”
“Who, Timo or Dominik?”
“Timo, he said you wanted to meet.”
“Oh crap, I had completely forgotten. Well, tomorrow is another day.”
“You're something else. I'll change now and then go to Horst. Have a nice evening!” my mother warbled and walked out of the room.
“Is it my fault you stood Timo up?“ Markus suddenly asked, looking very sad.
“No, don't worry, it's not often that happens to me and I wasn't really supposed to meet him. Do you want to stay here or look for the others? Or do you have to go home?” I wanted to know.
“Nah, I don't have to go home, my mom knows where I am. We can stay here, it's really nice with you,” Markus replied, and I noticed a slight glint in his eyes.
Was I imagining it now, or was it reality? Should I perhaps still have hope of finding a real friend?
We watched TV and talked until late in the evening. At around 10:30 p.m., Markus set off for home.
When we said goodbye, he said that he was really happy to have met me and hoped that we would become really good friends. “I hope so too,” I replied, and then he left. He seemed a bit sad; I think he would have rather stayed.
When I was in bed later, I let the day pass in review again – and suddenly I felt butterflies in my stomach. I had probably fallen in love again, but I decided to take it slowly for now.
Unfortunately, that didn't work out. I met with Markus almost every day for the next two weeks and also went to his place for dinner quite often.
What I didn't know was that my other friends were pretty annoyed that I hardly had any time for them anymore. It was only much later that I realized that they were only friends with me because my mom was so easy-going and we could all be in my apartment until late at night, and there was always something to eat from time to time.
Markus and I got along better and better – and twice I almost told him how I felt about him. But I always chickened out in the end.
On a Monday evening, almost three weeks after we had become friends, he told me that he wouldn't have time tomorrow because he wanted to visit his father. He wouldn't be back until the evening and would then get in touch. I told him that I would be at home from 8 p.m.
On Tuesday, I had a really nice lie-in and was sitting in the kitchen having coffee when the doorbell rang.
Oops, who could that be at this time of day, I thought to myself. So I trudged to the door and opened it. Then I heard two people coming up the stairs. It was Micha and Manu.
“Good morning you two, so what's new?” I greeted them.
“Morning Marc, you got time?”
“Sure, come in, you want some coffee?”
“Yes, please,” Micha replied.
“Sit down.”
I took two cups out of the cupboard and poured coffee for both of them.
I could tell that they both had something on their minds, so I asked them what was going on.
“You both look like you've seen a ghost, what's happened?”
“We actually wanted to ask you that,“ Manu replied.
“Huh, what are you talking about?” I said.
“For almost three weeks now, we've hardly seen you. Have we done something to you?” Manu asked anxiously.
“What makes you think that? Nonsense, you haven't done anything to me. I hadn't really noticed that we hadn't seen much of each other. But now that you mention it, you're right. I guess I have really neglected you since I met Markus.”
“You can say that again,” said Micha, giving me a nasty look.
“Hey, don't make such a face, as if it wasn't convenient for you, who was always complaining that you hardly had time for each other?“ I replied, realizing that I was getting a little angry.
“Yeah, but I thought we were friends,” Micha said.
“We are friends, aren't we! Ok, I promise to do better. Peace?”
Both nodded.
“Okay, what do we three beauties want to do today?“ I wanted to know.
“What, don't you have a date with Markus?” Micha snapped.
“Tell me, could it be that you're jealous?” I blurted out.
“Are you crazy? I'm not gay!”
But I am. Of course I didn't say that out loud, but I thought it.
“Are you sure?“ I winked at him.
“Oh man, men!” Manu laughed.
And suddenly all three of us had to laugh.
“Micha, you are and will remain my best friend. Even if I don't have so much time, there's no reason to be jealous. Come here, kid!”
Micha and I embraced and that was the end of it.
We finished our coffee and then went to the schoolyard, where Timo and Danni were sitting and suddenly looked very strange.
“Hi,“ I greeted them.
“Hi,” they greeted back.
Danni couldn't resist the following saying: “Well, who do we have here? A new face! I'm Danni and who are you? Don't we know each other?”
I had to laugh out loud at first and Micha joined in.
Danni didn't think it was that funny and lightly slapped me on the arm. “Hey, I don't think it's funny, we've hardly seen you for almost three weeks!”
“Yes, you're right, I've neglected you a lot. But I promise to do better,” I tried to appease them.
“What do you actually see in Markus?” Timo suddenly asked me.
“What should I find in him? He's nice and you can chat with him and we had a lot of fun the last few days.”
“I don't really like him. Something about him bothers me,“ said Timo.
“If you think so, to each his own and to me the most,” I replied.
“Come on guys, stop it! Come on, let's play a game of volleyball.”
“Ok!” we said, and off we went. We built our net, which was made of self-crocheted wool, and played two against three. Since Danni and I were the better players, we took on the other three without any problems.
Suddenly Timo looked strange and said, ”Well, that's all we need.”
I turned around and saw Markus coming. He looked sad, but tried to hide it when he arrived.
“Hi Markus, back already?“ I greeted him and we hugged briefly. That was a ritual for all of us.
“Hi, yeah, I didn't feel like it anymore. I left earlier. Can I play too?” Markus asked.
“Sure,” I replied, and I saw that the others didn't like it. But I didn't care, Markus was my friend and he wasn't feeling well, which the others hadn't noticed.
Markus joined Danni and me on the team and now it was three against three. We were then too strong for the other three, so we then switched. Micha then came to us and Danni went over.
Now it was really a challenge, but we still won.
“What are we going to do now?“ Manu wanted to know.
“Good question, I think I'll go home and eat something first,” I replied. It was already 5 p.m.
“Oh crap, I have to go home soon too,” said Manu. ‘My uncle will grumble again otherwise. Micha, will you take me up?’ Manu asked.
Micha agreed. The two said goodbye to us and left.
“And what are we going to do now?“ Danni asked Timo.
“Come on, we'll go to my place. I'm sure the two of them want to be alone too,” Timo said, pointing at us.
I really couldn't understand why Timo was acting so strangely all of a sudden, it wasn't like him. But I didn't say anything. We said goodbye and I went to my place with Markus.
“What's the matter with you?“ I asked him as we sat in the kitchen and I was peeling potatoes.
“Nothing, what should be the matter?” Markus replied.
“Oh come on, I can see that something is bothering you. You have a sad look on your face, I noticed that as soon as you came into the schoolyard.”
“You know me pretty well, don't you?” he said.
“So if you don't want to, you don't have to talk, but you know me a little now and you know I'm a good listener.”
He thought for a moment and then began to talk: “Well, when I arrived at my father's, everything was still OK. But then his new girlfriend came. He hadn't told me he had a new girlfriend. Well, it's his business, but the way she treated me was really nasty. And it didn't seem to bother my father. When I spoke to him about it, he just said that if I couldn't get along with Kim, I shouldn't come to visit him anymore.”
Markus started sobbing.
I got up and took him in my arms. He hadn't expected that and started crying really hard. Finally, I stroked his head and just said, “Let it out, it'll do you good.”
Ten minutes passed and slowly Markus calmed down again.
Then I fried us some fried potatoes with a fried egg because we were quite hungry.
After we had eaten, we went to my room and talked for a while.
Suddenly Markus became thoughtful. I looked at him and then I saw on the screen how two men kissed in a series.
Nevertheless, I didn't react to it, but I started to watch Markus. He seemed very pensive and absent for the rest of the evening.
Just before he was about to leave, I stopped him and looked at him. He avoided my gaze and then said,
“Sorry, I really have to go, otherwise mom will scold me.”
“Markus, what's going on? You've been acting so strangely and thoughtfully for two hours. Did I do something wrong?“ I asked him.
“No,” he replied, took me in his arms and left. He said that he would come for breakfast tomorrow morning around ten o'clock.
Ok, I thought to myself, it probably wasn't that important.
I went to bed quickly and dreamt of Markus.
I set my alarm for nine o'clock so that I would have enough time to shower, set the table and make coffee.
It was ten o'clock. I thought to myself that Markus should show up soon.
When he still hadn't arrived at 10:30, I called him. His mother told me that he had left shortly after nine. She couldn't tell me where he was going. I didn't tell her that we had an appointment, I didn't want her to worry.
When he still hadn't arrived by eleven, I got ready and went to look for him. As I opened the door to the apartment, a note fell to the floor. I picked it up and saw that it was addressed to me – it was from Markus.
I closed the door, sat down in the kitchen and began to read.
"Hello Marc,
I don't know how to start this. But we can't see each other anymore.
There is something I can't tell you, and I don't think you would understand it either. I know you are a really nice guy and that you are someone you can talk to about anything, but not about this.
Please don't call me anymore and try to accept my decision. It's not easy for me, but it'll be better this way, I think.
Your Markus
I had to read the letter twice before I had fully grasped what it said.
So many questions shot through my mind: Why didn't he want to see me anymore? What had I done? What couldn't he tell me that I supposedly wouldn't understand?
Tears welled up in my eyes.
I don't know how long I had been sitting there, but the phone brought me back to reality.
It was Micha who wanted to know if we could meet. I told him I wasn't feeling well and that I would get back to him.
Then I went to my room and went to bed. Suddenly I really wasn't feeling well. It hurt so much. I brooded for a while and then cried myself to sleep.
I don't know how, but I actually managed to sleep until the next morning.
When I woke up, the pain was immediately back. And my head started spinning again, too.
I went to take a shower first, got dressed and then called Micha to see if he was free.
We arranged to meet in the schoolyard in half an hour.
When I arrived, Micha was already sitting there.
“Hi Marc, everything okay?“ he greeted me and took me in his arms.
“Hi Micha, okay, I guess.” I didn't say more.
He looked at me, then took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes.
“Hey, what's wrong with you? You're hiding something.”
“It's Markus,“ I replied.
Micha's look did not change.
“What happened?” he wanted to know.
I told him about the evening and also about the letter. What I left out was the thing with the kissing men on TV.
“Hm, well I can't make sense of that either – but I know one thing: it's not your fault. You're such a nice guy, and if he doesn't see that or, in other words, doesn't want it, then he doesn't know what he's missing.”
“Thanks, Micha, you really are my best friend.” I gave him a hug and then we went for a walk. We talked about everything that came to mind.
When we got back to the schoolyard, I suddenly stopped. Micha turned around and looked at me. Then he looked where I was looking and knew why I had stopped.
Markus was sitting on the wall in the schoolyard. He saw us and then looked away again.
At first I wanted to go to him, but then I quickly changed my mind and just said to Micha: “Come on, let's go somewhere else.”
With that, I turned around and left. Micha stood there a little confused and then followed me.
“Hey, what was that all about?” he asked me.
“What do you mean? Markus made it clear to me that I should leave him alone – and I am doing that.”
“But do you have to go away to do that? The schoolyard is big enough!”
“I just don't feel like seeing him. Come on, let's go to the playground.”
The playground is near the BHW and we often sit there too.
Micha followed me without saying another word. Just as we were about to go down to the playground, we saw Manu.
We waved to her and then the three of us went to the playground. I didn't feel like telling everything again, so I gave Micha a sign that he shouldn't say anything. He nodded and we spent a quiet evening.
Around 10 p.m., Manu was already at home, Micha and I also set off.
“Do you want to go for a beer?” He asked me.
“Nah, I can't pull it today and Gaby is probably already drunk again.”
Gaby is one of the lesbians, and as sweet as she was when she was sober, when she had had a drink you really had to watch out. She was only about 1.60 cm tall, but as the saying goes, small but powerful.
We said goodbye to each other and I went up to the apartment.
The next week I saw Markus from time to time, but avoided him. I did a lot with the others. They were a bit surprised, but didn't comment on it.
On Wednesday evening, I said goodbye to Micha as usual, unlocked the front door and went up the stairs to the apartment.
As I came up the last flight of stairs, I hadn't turned on the hallway light and saw someone sitting in front of the apartment door.
At first I thought it was Manu, who had once again had trouble with her uncle. But when I turned on the light so that I could unlock the door, I saw that it was Markus.
He was sitting there with tears in his eyes, looked at me only briefly and then avoided my gaze again.
“What do you want here?” I asked in a neutral tone.
He didn't answer, but continued to look at the ground.
I felt really sorry for him, the way he was sitting there. But after all, he wanted me to stay away from him.
“If you don't want to talk to me, please let me through so I can catch up,” I said after a few minutes.
He looked up at me, then stood up and looked me straight in the eye.
“Ok Markus, what's wrong with you? What I'm going to say now, I'm only going to say once and I'm not going to repeat myself: either you come in now and we'll talk about everything in peace, and I'm really interested in what I've done wrong, or you go and I don't want to see you again.”
Markus looked at me with wide eyes. I unlocked the door and entered, holding it open for him so that he could enter if he wanted to.
He didn't react. I waited another minute and then said, “Okay, you don't want to. I wish you all the best. Bye.”
Just as I was about to close the door, he stormed up to me and looked me in the eye.
“Please let's talk,“ he whispered.
“Okay, come in and go to my room,” I replied.
I went to the kitchen, got us two glasses and something to drink, and joined Markus on the sofa.
We sat there in silence for about ten minutes. Slowly but surely, I was getting really fed up. Markus meant a lot to me, but it just hurt too much for me to see what he was doing. If he didn't react right now, it was over.
“So Markus, now tell me: what's going on?“ I started again.
“I don't know how or where to start,” he said quietly.
“Maybe why you don't want to see me anymore.”
“That's what's so hard for me,“ Markus whispered.
“Yes, but there must be a reason for that. What did I do wrong?” I finally wanted to know.
“You didn't do anything wrong. It's just me,” he said after a few minutes.
We were both silent again for a while.
“Markus, what's going on? I don't feel like playing these games anymore. It hurts too much for me, you really mean a lot to me. I thought we were friends and could talk about anything.”
“We are, aren't we? I hope so. But there's one thing I find it hard to talk about, especially because it also affects you.”
I was slowly beginning to suspect something. Could it really be possible that my dream was coming true? Was it really possible that Markus was also gay and had possibly fallen in love with me? Now I had to gather all my courage.
“Markus, what could be so bad that you couldn't talk to me about it? You can talk to me about anything. Even if you told me that you were gay and had fallen in love with me, you could talk to me about that too.”
I looked at him and my guess was right. His reaction was exactly as if he had said that I had hit the bull's eye. He got up and went to the window.
“Hello, Earth to Markus, please talk to me,” I said, really trying to keep my voice normal, with tears welling up in my eyes.
“I... You...” he just sobbed and I didn't understand a word.
Ok, I wasn't completely sure, but pretty sure. I thought for a moment and got up too. Then I went to him, grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him towards me. He cried and tried to avoid my gaze.
I gently grasped his chin and lifted his head so that he had to look me in the eye.
I slowly approached him and very gently my lips touched his.
He immediately stopped crying and opened his eyes wide.
Then he pushed me away and shouted at me: “Are you crazy? Do you want to make fun of me now? Yes, little Markus has fallen in love with Marc and now we're going to tease him a little and just kiss him.”
I was so perplexed at first that I couldn't say anything. I only saw anger, despair and fear in his eyes. What should I do at that moment? It was best to take the initiative: I went up to him and gave him a hug.
Then I looked him in the eye, closed mine and approached his lips again.
I noticed how he first jerked back a little, but then he let it happen and our lips met. I slowly opened my lips and my tongue sought its way. When it touched his lips, he opened his mouth very slowly and my tongue wandered on. As soon as I was in his mouth, I met his tongue.
Everything tingle and it was a truly indescribable feeling. We kissed for quite a while and only slowly broke away from each other.
Once again I approached him, gave him another kiss and then pulled him towards the sofa.
“What was that about?” he asked me quietly.
“That was my first kiss with a boy and I'm glad it was with you. Markus, I'm gay too and I fell in love with you on the very first day.”
He just looked at me with wide eyes. But then he smiled suddenly.
“Tell me that again, please.”
“That was my first kiss with a boy and I'm glad you're the one. Markus, I'm gay too and I fell in love with you on the first day. Ok so?” I smiled at him.
“I would never have thought that about you. I fell in love with you too, right away. And when we got to know each other better, it grew more and more. Then came the day when we were sitting here and I saw the two men on TV and you looked too, but then looked away again. I thought to myself, I'll never have a chance with you, and that's why I wrote you the letter the next day.”
“Oh Markus, I understand you all too well. I really thought I must have done something wrong for you to react like that. It hurt so much. But now I'm even happier. Markus, I love you and I never want to lose you again.”
No sooner had I said this than he fell into my arms and we kissed.
I then pulled him onto my bed and we snuggled up together.
Suddenly we heard the front door. Shit, it's my mom!
We both jumped up and sat down on the sofa, or rather Markus sat down. I opened the door and greeted my mom, whispered something in her ear and she nodded.
Then I went back into the room and closed the door.
I sat down next to Markus and looked at him. “Do you feel like sleeping with me tonight, not with me?” I asked him.
“Oh yes, I'd love to. Then I'll just call home.”
I smiled at him and gave him a kiss. Then he got up, had a short phone call with his mother, who agreed, and came back into the room.
We lay down on the sofa again and watched some TV.
At around one o'clock we got ready for bed and for camouflage I also prepared the sofa.
When Markus saw that, he looked at me very sadly.
“Honey, that's just camouflage! Do you really think that now that I have you, I'll let you sleep on the sofa? You belong by my side in my bed.”
He smiled at me and happily took me in his arms.
We lay down, kissed each other and then snuggled up against each other. I was just so happy that I had Markus and that he was now in bed with me and in my arms.
The next few days were just great. I was in love and the best thing was that I could show it. Markus seemed to feel the same way.
The last week of vacation had begun and we wanted to take advantage of it – from next week on, we would have to sleep separately more often again.
As our last night together approached, Markus looked at me and then immediately looked back down.
Oh no, not again, I thought, what does he have now that he can't discuss with me?
“Markus, what's going on now? Didn't we agree that from now on we would talk openly about everything?”
“Yes, you're right. But I'm embarrassed,” he said.
“So then come out with it.”
“I... I... would like to sleep with you!”
So that's what he didn't dare say! That rascal! I had thought about asking him too, but I didn't dare either. Now he had forestalled me. I took him in my arms and whispered in his ear: “Me too with you!”
We kissed and I then pulled him up onto my bed. There we kissed for quite a while.
We made love long and deeply.
“I love you,“ I said to him.
“I love you too!” Markus replied.
We lay snuggled up next to each other for quite a while and then fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up and Markus wasn't next to me. I panicked immediately and jumped out of bed.
But then the door opened and Markus came in. I immediately ran into his arms.
“I was so afraid you had left me.”
“I was just in the bathroom, I would never leave you!” He said and we kissed.
That was our last night and we also spent Sunday together. The next day school started again.
The next few weeks were just incredible. Not much happened, except that we made love more often. Sex with him was just indescribable.
But our luck was not meant to last. We had been together for four months and no one knew except us, Markus came to me very sadly.
“Hey buddy, what's going on?” I asked him.
“My mother is going to move to East Friesland. She's met someone.”
“No. Does that mean we have to break up?” I asked, and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.
“No, I was able to persuade her that I'll stay here with Melanie. Melanie stays here and keeps the apartment. She just said that if anything should happen, I can come to her anytime.”
“God, I'm glad, I think I couldn't stand losing you.”
After that, we kissed and I was glad that Markus could stay here. With me.
Six weeks passed and Markus' mother hadn't lived here for three weeks when one evening Markus came to me completely distraught.
“Marc, I can't stand it here anymore. I can't get along with my sister. I don't know what to do.”
I didn't know what to say and just held him in my arms.
“I love you Marc, more than I would like to, but I can't stay here any longer. I'm going to move to my mother in East Frisia,” Markus suddenly said.
What? I was stunned. What did he say? He's moving in with his mother?
“Please say that again,“ I stuttered.
“You heard me right. I'm going to East Friesland.”
“When?” was the only thing I could manage to say.
“My train leaves tomorrow at noon,” he whispered very quietly.
I couldn't say anything, I just took him in my arms and held him very tightly. Tears shot out of my eyes.
It hurt so much, I still had him here with me but from tomorrow he should be gone.
“How should it go on with us?” I said after a while.
“I don't know, but I think we won't see each other much. I think it's better if we split up tonight. Marc, it hurts me just as much as it hurts you. I love you, but I have no other choice,” he said with tears in his eyes.
“You're right, that'll be for the best. Yes, it hurts a lot. Hold me tight, please, at least for today.”
We snuggled all evening. Then, around 10 p.m., it was time to say goodbye. We held each other and both cried like never before. It hurt so much.
One last kiss and then he left.
I lay down on my bed and cried myself to sleep. The next day was just awful. I had a fever and stayed home.
So that was it. My first great love had left me, and not even because we didn't get along anymore, but because he had moved away. The next few weeks were horrible. On the outside, I wasn't allowed to show anything. I played it very convincingly.
Nevertheless, I often cried myself to sleep. To this day, I have not heard from Markus. I think he didn't want to hurt the other person any more than I did. That's why we didn't talk on the phone or write to each other.
End of part 1
I jumped up and had to collect myself to realize where I was. “Ouch, my head!” was the first thing I thought of. The last beer yesterday evening, at the birthday party, must have been bad. But I hadn't even drunk that much.
Beep... Beep... Beep
Oh this alarm clock, one of these days I'll throw it against the wall. I switched it off. Today was the last day before the summer vacation started. That also meant that there would be certificates. *yuck*
But mine wasn't that bad this year, we had already been told some grades in advance. In German I had a 2, in math also and in English a 3. So the transfer to the tenth grade was secured.
But now out of bed and into the bathroom before mom gets up and the bathroom is occupied again. Which actually happened very rarely.
At this point, I should perhaps introduce myself: My name is Marc and I'm 15 years old, but will be turning 16 in a few days. Unfortunately, I'm always unlucky enough to have a birthday during the summer vacation. null
I am 1.85 cm tall and have a sturdy build. I live with my mother in a three-room apartment in the Sauerland region. My father left when I was three years old, and I have been living with my mother and also with my grandparents ever since. My grandfather died five years ago and my grandmother three years ago.
For the last two years, my mother has been with a man called Horst. I got on reasonably well with him. He also had a daughter about my age, who I got on very well with.
I didn't have much contact with my father because he kept moving house. For the last year, he's been living on the same street as us again and I've got on quite well with him.
Oh yes, and one more thing: I'm gay.
I've known this for a long time. I've always been more interested in boys than girls. I also had my first experience with a boy at an early age, with whom I grew up.
But nothing had happened for a year because he had a girlfriend by then. But it was always clear to me that nothing would ever come of us.
I was never really in love with him, it just was what it was. But I digress. ;o)
Nobody knew that I was gay. I was just too afraid of the reactions. There were a lesbian couple living in our building, and nobody had a problem with them, but I still didn't dare to come out.
Two years ago, I was really smitten: I was truly in love for the first time. A new family had moved into the house next door with three boys. Two were older, the youngest was my age.
When I saw him at the window for the first time, I was already smitten. We became friends quite quickly and I was just happy.
But that didn't last long when he introduced me to his first girlfriend. I was so jealous back then. I really tried hard to get them apart just to have him to myself. Yes, yes, you can be quite nasty at that age. ;o)
But at some point I realized that it was pointless, and we are still very good friends now.
Ah, the shower felt good. So, now get dressed and wake up mom, if she wasn't up already.
Which of course she wasn't, as I then realized.
Hm, what should I wear today, I thought to myself as I stood in front of the wardrobe. But the clothes were quickly found and now it was time to get into the kitchen and make coffee. It was already half past six.
I opened the bedroom door carefully and saw that she was still sleeping peacefully. First of all, I raised the blinds and then woke her up, otherwise I wouldn't get her out of bed.
No sooner said than done, and as I raised the blinds I heard her voice: “Good morning, son, did you sleep well?”
“Morning, Mom, yes, thank you, you too? Come on, get up, coffee's already on.”
“Five more minutes, then I'll come.”
“Okay, if you don't, then it's the water glass!”
“Out!”
And just like that, she was gone again. I set the breakfast table and after five minutes my mom finally came.
“I'll go to the bathroom quickly and then I'll come.”
“OK, see you in a minute.”
I knew her “quick” – it was now five to seven when she finally came out of the bathroom.
“So, are you excited about the report card today?“ she asked me.
“Not really, since I already know most of the grades,” I replied.
“How long do you have school today?”
“I think until 11 o'clock, said Mrs. Schürmann, I mean.”
Mrs. Schürmann had been my class teacher since the fifth grade and now in the tenth year I would no longer have her.
“Are you coming to the store or will I see you tonight?” my mother wanted to know. She is self-employed and has had her own hairdressing business for years.
“I guess I'll stop by the shop, I have to pick up my reward money, and I also want to go to the cemetery. And I could use a haircut again,” I replied.
Since my grandmother passed away, I always went to the cemetery on such occasions. I had a very close relationship with my grandmother and I missed her terribly.
“If you're going to the cemetery, you might as well pull some weeds. So... you want money again.”
“Yep, I do, and the weeding's fine.”
“Now get a move on, otherwise the bus will be gone and I don't want to have to drive you back to school.”
“Yes, yes, old man is not a fast train, I'm already gone,” I said and off I went. Outside, as every morning, I met Daniela, who lived in the neighboring house and also went to my school. She was a year younger than me.
“Morning Danni, how's it going? Are you looking forward to the holidays?”
“Morning Marc, yes, all good, and yourself? Where were you last night? We missed you. Of course I'm looking forward to it. Silly question, can only come from you.”
“Yep, everything's fine. Yesterday was Horst's birthday, though, as I mentioned. You know me, I always ask such questions,” I said, winking at her.
“Oh yes, that's right, we had totally forgotten. Are we meeting this afternoon?”
“I'm going to the shop after school and then to the cemetery, but I think I'll show up around 3 p.m. Schoolyard as always or at the BHW?”
“You've probably had your hair cut again, haven't you? In the schoolyard – Sven, Timo, Bodo, Michael and Manuela were also going to come.”
We talked a bit more and then the bus arrived. We either always met in the schoolyard of the primary school, which was directly opposite our house, or we went to the BHW, which is a workshop for the disabled very close by.
At school, it was as usual on the last day, everyone was in a good mood, even the teachers. We had already organized a farewell gift for Mrs. Schürmann: a large bouquet of flowers and a card on which we had all signed a poem we had written ourselves.
She was very happy. Then finally the school reports were handed out and I was really satisfied.
Now there were no school for the next six weeks.
So I made my way home. For that I just had to go down the street. In the morning I always took the bus up because I didn't feel like walking up the whole mountain. After all, it was almost two kilometers to school. But I always walked downhill.
When I arrived at the last part, I saw a truck standing at the neighboring house from afar.
Oh, I thought to myself, finally someone is moving into the ground floor apartment. Since I am curious by nature, I walked a little faster to see who the new neighbors were.
On the short walk, my imagination ran wild again: that a cute boy would move in there, who would then fall in love with me. Yes, dreaming is a beautiful thing.
I approached and saw two women, one about the same age as my mother, and the other I estimated to be around 20 years old. I thought to myself, that's not going to work out with a cute boy.
I was already within earshot when the older woman suddenly shouted: “Markus, hurry up and don't dawdle around so much, there are still lots of boxes to be carried in.”
Markus, I thought, either her husband or her boyfriend or my sweet dream boy.
And sure enough, a boy came out of the house. I guessed him to be 14 or 15 years old. He was wearing a flannel shirt and blue jeans, had medium-length brown hair and was simply stunning.
I only had eyes for him. And then it happened as it had to happen: I ran over his mother.
“Excuse me, I was lost in thought. I'm really sorry.”
“It's okay, it can happen to anyone,” she replied.
Her son couldn't help but laugh.
Suddenly I had an idea how I could find out a little more about this cute boy.
“Can I help you with something, since I'm already so scatterbrained and running around you? My name is Marc and I live next door.“ I pointed to our house.
“Oh, that would be great. Nice to meet you, Marc, my name is Birgit Steinbach and these are my daughter Melanie and my son Markus,” she introduced her children to me.
“Steinbach, you're not related to Regina, are you? She has two sons, Timo and Dominik. She also lives up the street. Dominik is in my class.”
“Yes, I am related to her, she's my sister-in-law. I didn't know she lived here either. I haven't seen my nephews in ages,” she said happily.
What a coincidence, I thought to myself.
“That's really a coincidence. Well, let's get started,” I said, and off we went.
After half an hour, the last boxes were stowed in the apartment. During that time, I had only exchanged a few words with Markus.
“Thank you for your help Marc, come over for dinner sometime. As a small token of my appreciation,” Birgit said, patting me on the shoulder.
“Thanks for the invitation, I'll be sure to take you up on it. But now I have to go. I still have to go to my mother's business, which is another 15-minute bike ride away. She's probably wondering where I am.”
We said goodbye and as I was leaving the apartment, Markus came up behind me.
“Marc, please wait a minute,“ he said.
I turned around and smiled at him.
“Yes, what is it?” I replied.
“How long are you going to be at your mother's? Don't you want to meet up this afternoon and do something together?” Markus wanted to know.
I looked at the clock and thought about it.
“Now it's just after noon and I think I'll be back here around 3 p.m. We can meet there at 3:30.” I pointed to the other side of the street, where there was a small island cordoned off by chains that led to the library.
“Ok, see you later,” he said, and I replied, ”Ok, see you later.”
He turned around and went back inside. I then also made my way. Quickly up to the apartment, put my things away and then get the bike and off to my mom's.
I couldn't stop thinking about Markus during the whole drive. He was really good-looking and my imagination ran wild again. I brought myself back to reality by thinking that someone like that is gay. I couldn't help thinking about the story with Michael and decided not to fall in love head over heels again so quickly.
At my mother's shop, everything went quite quickly: I got 25 euros for the certificate and then made my way to the cemetery. There I talked to grandma for a while and, as promised, pulled the weeds. There weren't many, but I had dawdled so much that it was already close to 3:00 p.m.
But now I had to get going and head home. I still had to change and I wanted to quickly take a shower.
When I came up the street, I saw someone sitting on the chains. I looked at the clock, but it was only ten past three. So I was definitely not late. I really hate being unpunctual. I'm always early when I'm meeting someone.
As I got closer, I recognized Markus. He waved at me and I waved back.
He came over to me across the street as I stopped in front of the building and locked my bike.
“Hi, you're already here,“ he greeted me.
“Hi Markus, yep, I just want to quickly take a shower and change. Do you want to come up or wait for me down here?” I asked him.
“Oh, if you don't mind, I'll come up with you.”
“Well, let's go,” I said.
I unlocked the front door and we went up the two flights of stairs. Just as I unlocked the apartment door, the phone rang.
“Marc Hochmann?” I answered. It was my mother.
“Hi Marc, it's me. Could you do me a favor and vacuum once? I forgot to tell you earlier.”
“Okay, Mom, I'll do it. Anything else?” I asked.
“No, that's it. Will you be home tonight when I come home?”
“I don't think so. Why? Are you going out?”
“Yes, I'm meeting Horst. I guess I won't see you until tomorrow morning. Be nice and take care. Love you.”
“I'm always sweet and I'll do that. I love you too. See you later!” I said and hung up.
Markus was still standing in the hallway at the apartment door.
“That was my mother, I still have to vacuum. Why don't you come to my room and make yourself comfortable. You can turn on the TV, I'll just swing the vacuum and then go take a shower.”
“Ok,“ he replied and followed me into my room.
After 20 minutes I was finished vacuuming and showering and came into my room. Markus was watching VIVA.
“So, I'm ready, shall we?” I asked him.
“Yeah, we can. That reminds me, what do we want to do?” he wanted to know.
“That's a good question. We can also stay here and watch TV or a movie and talk,” I suggested.
He agreed and we decided to leave VIVA on and told each other a lot.
We got along quite well right away because we had a lot of common interests. He liked to play volleyball and ride his bike, just like me. Markus was 15, like me, but I was about to turn 16.
We didn't even notice how time passed, and suddenly I heard the front door.
I looked at the clock in shock. It was already half past six.
“Hi Mom,“ I called.
“Hi, you're home after all. I thought you wanted to leave?” my mother called and opened the door to my room.
“Yes, we wanted to, but somehow we forgot the time chatting. May I introduce Markus, he has moved in next door with his mother and sister. He is the nephew of Regina Steinbach.”
“Hi Markus, I'm Christel. So, from Regina? So the cousin of Timo and Dominik. That reminds me, he called earlier at the shop and asked if you were still there.”
“Who, Timo or Dominik?”
“Timo, he said you wanted to meet.”
“Oh crap, I had completely forgotten. Well, tomorrow is another day.”
“You're something else. I'll change now and then go to Horst. Have a nice evening!” my mother warbled and walked out of the room.
“Is it my fault you stood Timo up?“ Markus suddenly asked, looking very sad.
“No, don't worry, it's not often that happens to me and I wasn't really supposed to meet him. Do you want to stay here or look for the others? Or do you have to go home?” I wanted to know.
“Nah, I don't have to go home, my mom knows where I am. We can stay here, it's really nice with you,” Markus replied, and I noticed a slight glint in his eyes.
Was I imagining it now, or was it reality? Should I perhaps still have hope of finding a real friend?
We watched TV and talked until late in the evening. At around 10:30 p.m., Markus set off for home.
When we said goodbye, he said that he was really happy to have met me and hoped that we would become really good friends. “I hope so too,” I replied, and then he left. He seemed a bit sad; I think he would have rather stayed.
When I was in bed later, I let the day pass in review again – and suddenly I felt butterflies in my stomach. I had probably fallen in love again, but I decided to take it slowly for now.
Unfortunately, that didn't work out. I met with Markus almost every day for the next two weeks and also went to his place for dinner quite often.
What I didn't know was that my other friends were pretty annoyed that I hardly had any time for them anymore. It was only much later that I realized that they were only friends with me because my mom was so easy-going and we could all be in my apartment until late at night, and there was always something to eat from time to time.
Markus and I got along better and better – and twice I almost told him how I felt about him. But I always chickened out in the end.
On a Monday evening, almost three weeks after we had become friends, he told me that he wouldn't have time tomorrow because he wanted to visit his father. He wouldn't be back until the evening and would then get in touch. I told him that I would be at home from 8 p.m.
On Tuesday, I had a really nice lie-in and was sitting in the kitchen having coffee when the doorbell rang.
Oops, who could that be at this time of day, I thought to myself. So I trudged to the door and opened it. Then I heard two people coming up the stairs. It was Micha and Manu.
“Good morning you two, so what's new?” I greeted them.
“Morning Marc, you got time?”
“Sure, come in, you want some coffee?”
“Yes, please,” Micha replied.
“Sit down.”
I took two cups out of the cupboard and poured coffee for both of them.
I could tell that they both had something on their minds, so I asked them what was going on.
“You both look like you've seen a ghost, what's happened?”
“We actually wanted to ask you that,“ Manu replied.
“Huh, what are you talking about?” I said.
“For almost three weeks now, we've hardly seen you. Have we done something to you?” Manu asked anxiously.
“What makes you think that? Nonsense, you haven't done anything to me. I hadn't really noticed that we hadn't seen much of each other. But now that you mention it, you're right. I guess I have really neglected you since I met Markus.”
“You can say that again,” said Micha, giving me a nasty look.
“Hey, don't make such a face, as if it wasn't convenient for you, who was always complaining that you hardly had time for each other?“ I replied, realizing that I was getting a little angry.
“Yeah, but I thought we were friends,” Micha said.
“We are friends, aren't we! Ok, I promise to do better. Peace?”
Both nodded.
“Okay, what do we three beauties want to do today?“ I wanted to know.
“What, don't you have a date with Markus?” Micha snapped.
“Tell me, could it be that you're jealous?” I blurted out.
“Are you crazy? I'm not gay!”
But I am. Of course I didn't say that out loud, but I thought it.
“Are you sure?“ I winked at him.
“Oh man, men!” Manu laughed.
And suddenly all three of us had to laugh.
“Micha, you are and will remain my best friend. Even if I don't have so much time, there's no reason to be jealous. Come here, kid!”
Micha and I embraced and that was the end of it.
We finished our coffee and then went to the schoolyard, where Timo and Danni were sitting and suddenly looked very strange.
“Hi,“ I greeted them.
“Hi,” they greeted back.
Danni couldn't resist the following saying: “Well, who do we have here? A new face! I'm Danni and who are you? Don't we know each other?”
I had to laugh out loud at first and Micha joined in.
Danni didn't think it was that funny and lightly slapped me on the arm. “Hey, I don't think it's funny, we've hardly seen you for almost three weeks!”
“Yes, you're right, I've neglected you a lot. But I promise to do better,” I tried to appease them.
“What do you actually see in Markus?” Timo suddenly asked me.
“What should I find in him? He's nice and you can chat with him and we had a lot of fun the last few days.”
“I don't really like him. Something about him bothers me,“ said Timo.
“If you think so, to each his own and to me the most,” I replied.
“Come on guys, stop it! Come on, let's play a game of volleyball.”
“Ok!” we said, and off we went. We built our net, which was made of self-crocheted wool, and played two against three. Since Danni and I were the better players, we took on the other three without any problems.
Suddenly Timo looked strange and said, ”Well, that's all we need.”
I turned around and saw Markus coming. He looked sad, but tried to hide it when he arrived.
“Hi Markus, back already?“ I greeted him and we hugged briefly. That was a ritual for all of us.
“Hi, yeah, I didn't feel like it anymore. I left earlier. Can I play too?” Markus asked.
“Sure,” I replied, and I saw that the others didn't like it. But I didn't care, Markus was my friend and he wasn't feeling well, which the others hadn't noticed.
Markus joined Danni and me on the team and now it was three against three. We were then too strong for the other three, so we then switched. Micha then came to us and Danni went over.
Now it was really a challenge, but we still won.
“What are we going to do now?“ Manu wanted to know.
“Good question, I think I'll go home and eat something first,” I replied. It was already 5 p.m.
“Oh crap, I have to go home soon too,” said Manu. ‘My uncle will grumble again otherwise. Micha, will you take me up?’ Manu asked.
Micha agreed. The two said goodbye to us and left.
“And what are we going to do now?“ Danni asked Timo.
“Come on, we'll go to my place. I'm sure the two of them want to be alone too,” Timo said, pointing at us.
I really couldn't understand why Timo was acting so strangely all of a sudden, it wasn't like him. But I didn't say anything. We said goodbye and I went to my place with Markus.
“What's the matter with you?“ I asked him as we sat in the kitchen and I was peeling potatoes.
“Nothing, what should be the matter?” Markus replied.
“Oh come on, I can see that something is bothering you. You have a sad look on your face, I noticed that as soon as you came into the schoolyard.”
“You know me pretty well, don't you?” he said.
“So if you don't want to, you don't have to talk, but you know me a little now and you know I'm a good listener.”
He thought for a moment and then began to talk: “Well, when I arrived at my father's, everything was still OK. But then his new girlfriend came. He hadn't told me he had a new girlfriend. Well, it's his business, but the way she treated me was really nasty. And it didn't seem to bother my father. When I spoke to him about it, he just said that if I couldn't get along with Kim, I shouldn't come to visit him anymore.”
Markus started sobbing.
I got up and took him in my arms. He hadn't expected that and started crying really hard. Finally, I stroked his head and just said, “Let it out, it'll do you good.”
Ten minutes passed and slowly Markus calmed down again.
Then I fried us some fried potatoes with a fried egg because we were quite hungry.
After we had eaten, we went to my room and talked for a while.
Suddenly Markus became thoughtful. I looked at him and then I saw on the screen how two men kissed in a series.
Nevertheless, I didn't react to it, but I started to watch Markus. He seemed very pensive and absent for the rest of the evening.
Just before he was about to leave, I stopped him and looked at him. He avoided my gaze and then said,
“Sorry, I really have to go, otherwise mom will scold me.”
“Markus, what's going on? You've been acting so strangely and thoughtfully for two hours. Did I do something wrong?“ I asked him.
“No,” he replied, took me in his arms and left. He said that he would come for breakfast tomorrow morning around ten o'clock.
Ok, I thought to myself, it probably wasn't that important.
I went to bed quickly and dreamt of Markus.
I set my alarm for nine o'clock so that I would have enough time to shower, set the table and make coffee.
It was ten o'clock. I thought to myself that Markus should show up soon.
When he still hadn't arrived at 10:30, I called him. His mother told me that he had left shortly after nine. She couldn't tell me where he was going. I didn't tell her that we had an appointment, I didn't want her to worry.
When he still hadn't arrived by eleven, I got ready and went to look for him. As I opened the door to the apartment, a note fell to the floor. I picked it up and saw that it was addressed to me – it was from Markus.
I closed the door, sat down in the kitchen and began to read.
"Hello Marc,
I don't know how to start this. But we can't see each other anymore.
There is something I can't tell you, and I don't think you would understand it either. I know you are a really nice guy and that you are someone you can talk to about anything, but not about this.
Please don't call me anymore and try to accept my decision. It's not easy for me, but it'll be better this way, I think.
Your Markus
I had to read the letter twice before I had fully grasped what it said.
So many questions shot through my mind: Why didn't he want to see me anymore? What had I done? What couldn't he tell me that I supposedly wouldn't understand?
Tears welled up in my eyes.
I don't know how long I had been sitting there, but the phone brought me back to reality.
It was Micha who wanted to know if we could meet. I told him I wasn't feeling well and that I would get back to him.
Then I went to my room and went to bed. Suddenly I really wasn't feeling well. It hurt so much. I brooded for a while and then cried myself to sleep.
I don't know how, but I actually managed to sleep until the next morning.
When I woke up, the pain was immediately back. And my head started spinning again, too.
I went to take a shower first, got dressed and then called Micha to see if he was free.
We arranged to meet in the schoolyard in half an hour.
When I arrived, Micha was already sitting there.
“Hi Marc, everything okay?“ he greeted me and took me in his arms.
“Hi Micha, okay, I guess.” I didn't say more.
He looked at me, then took my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes.
“Hey, what's wrong with you? You're hiding something.”
“It's Markus,“ I replied.
Micha's look did not change.
“What happened?” he wanted to know.
I told him about the evening and also about the letter. What I left out was the thing with the kissing men on TV.
“Hm, well I can't make sense of that either – but I know one thing: it's not your fault. You're such a nice guy, and if he doesn't see that or, in other words, doesn't want it, then he doesn't know what he's missing.”
“Thanks, Micha, you really are my best friend.” I gave him a hug and then we went for a walk. We talked about everything that came to mind.
When we got back to the schoolyard, I suddenly stopped. Micha turned around and looked at me. Then he looked where I was looking and knew why I had stopped.
Markus was sitting on the wall in the schoolyard. He saw us and then looked away again.
At first I wanted to go to him, but then I quickly changed my mind and just said to Micha: “Come on, let's go somewhere else.”
With that, I turned around and left. Micha stood there a little confused and then followed me.
“Hey, what was that all about?” he asked me.
“What do you mean? Markus made it clear to me that I should leave him alone – and I am doing that.”
“But do you have to go away to do that? The schoolyard is big enough!”
“I just don't feel like seeing him. Come on, let's go to the playground.”
The playground is near the BHW and we often sit there too.
Micha followed me without saying another word. Just as we were about to go down to the playground, we saw Manu.
We waved to her and then the three of us went to the playground. I didn't feel like telling everything again, so I gave Micha a sign that he shouldn't say anything. He nodded and we spent a quiet evening.
Around 10 p.m., Manu was already at home, Micha and I also set off.
“Do you want to go for a beer?” He asked me.
“Nah, I can't pull it today and Gaby is probably already drunk again.”
Gaby is one of the lesbians, and as sweet as she was when she was sober, when she had had a drink you really had to watch out. She was only about 1.60 cm tall, but as the saying goes, small but powerful.
We said goodbye to each other and I went up to the apartment.
The next week I saw Markus from time to time, but avoided him. I did a lot with the others. They were a bit surprised, but didn't comment on it.
On Wednesday evening, I said goodbye to Micha as usual, unlocked the front door and went up the stairs to the apartment.
As I came up the last flight of stairs, I hadn't turned on the hallway light and saw someone sitting in front of the apartment door.
At first I thought it was Manu, who had once again had trouble with her uncle. But when I turned on the light so that I could unlock the door, I saw that it was Markus.
He was sitting there with tears in his eyes, looked at me only briefly and then avoided my gaze again.
“What do you want here?” I asked in a neutral tone.
He didn't answer, but continued to look at the ground.
I felt really sorry for him, the way he was sitting there. But after all, he wanted me to stay away from him.
“If you don't want to talk to me, please let me through so I can catch up,” I said after a few minutes.
He looked up at me, then stood up and looked me straight in the eye.
“Ok Markus, what's wrong with you? What I'm going to say now, I'm only going to say once and I'm not going to repeat myself: either you come in now and we'll talk about everything in peace, and I'm really interested in what I've done wrong, or you go and I don't want to see you again.”
Markus looked at me with wide eyes. I unlocked the door and entered, holding it open for him so that he could enter if he wanted to.
He didn't react. I waited another minute and then said, “Okay, you don't want to. I wish you all the best. Bye.”
Just as I was about to close the door, he stormed up to me and looked me in the eye.
“Please let's talk,“ he whispered.
“Okay, come in and go to my room,” I replied.
I went to the kitchen, got us two glasses and something to drink, and joined Markus on the sofa.
We sat there in silence for about ten minutes. Slowly but surely, I was getting really fed up. Markus meant a lot to me, but it just hurt too much for me to see what he was doing. If he didn't react right now, it was over.
“So Markus, now tell me: what's going on?“ I started again.
“I don't know how or where to start,” he said quietly.
“Maybe why you don't want to see me anymore.”
“That's what's so hard for me,“ Markus whispered.
“Yes, but there must be a reason for that. What did I do wrong?” I finally wanted to know.
“You didn't do anything wrong. It's just me,” he said after a few minutes.
We were both silent again for a while.
“Markus, what's going on? I don't feel like playing these games anymore. It hurts too much for me, you really mean a lot to me. I thought we were friends and could talk about anything.”
“We are, aren't we? I hope so. But there's one thing I find it hard to talk about, especially because it also affects you.”
I was slowly beginning to suspect something. Could it really be possible that my dream was coming true? Was it really possible that Markus was also gay and had possibly fallen in love with me? Now I had to gather all my courage.
“Markus, what could be so bad that you couldn't talk to me about it? You can talk to me about anything. Even if you told me that you were gay and had fallen in love with me, you could talk to me about that too.”
I looked at him and my guess was right. His reaction was exactly as if he had said that I had hit the bull's eye. He got up and went to the window.
“Hello, Earth to Markus, please talk to me,” I said, really trying to keep my voice normal, with tears welling up in my eyes.
“I... You...” he just sobbed and I didn't understand a word.
Ok, I wasn't completely sure, but pretty sure. I thought for a moment and got up too. Then I went to him, grabbed him by the shoulders and turned him towards me. He cried and tried to avoid my gaze.
I gently grasped his chin and lifted his head so that he had to look me in the eye.
I slowly approached him and very gently my lips touched his.
He immediately stopped crying and opened his eyes wide.
Then he pushed me away and shouted at me: “Are you crazy? Do you want to make fun of me now? Yes, little Markus has fallen in love with Marc and now we're going to tease him a little and just kiss him.”
I was so perplexed at first that I couldn't say anything. I only saw anger, despair and fear in his eyes. What should I do at that moment? It was best to take the initiative: I went up to him and gave him a hug.
Then I looked him in the eye, closed mine and approached his lips again.
I noticed how he first jerked back a little, but then he let it happen and our lips met. I slowly opened my lips and my tongue sought its way. When it touched his lips, he opened his mouth very slowly and my tongue wandered on. As soon as I was in his mouth, I met his tongue.
Everything tingle and it was a truly indescribable feeling. We kissed for quite a while and only slowly broke away from each other.
Once again I approached him, gave him another kiss and then pulled him towards the sofa.
“What was that about?” he asked me quietly.
“That was my first kiss with a boy and I'm glad it was with you. Markus, I'm gay too and I fell in love with you on the very first day.”
He just looked at me with wide eyes. But then he smiled suddenly.
“Tell me that again, please.”
“That was my first kiss with a boy and I'm glad you're the one. Markus, I'm gay too and I fell in love with you on the first day. Ok so?” I smiled at him.
“I would never have thought that about you. I fell in love with you too, right away. And when we got to know each other better, it grew more and more. Then came the day when we were sitting here and I saw the two men on TV and you looked too, but then looked away again. I thought to myself, I'll never have a chance with you, and that's why I wrote you the letter the next day.”
“Oh Markus, I understand you all too well. I really thought I must have done something wrong for you to react like that. It hurt so much. But now I'm even happier. Markus, I love you and I never want to lose you again.”
No sooner had I said this than he fell into my arms and we kissed.
I then pulled him onto my bed and we snuggled up together.
Suddenly we heard the front door. Shit, it's my mom!
We both jumped up and sat down on the sofa, or rather Markus sat down. I opened the door and greeted my mom, whispered something in her ear and she nodded.
Then I went back into the room and closed the door.
I sat down next to Markus and looked at him. “Do you feel like sleeping with me tonight, not with me?” I asked him.
“Oh yes, I'd love to. Then I'll just call home.”
I smiled at him and gave him a kiss. Then he got up, had a short phone call with his mother, who agreed, and came back into the room.
We lay down on the sofa again and watched some TV.
At around one o'clock we got ready for bed and for camouflage I also prepared the sofa.
When Markus saw that, he looked at me very sadly.
“Honey, that's just camouflage! Do you really think that now that I have you, I'll let you sleep on the sofa? You belong by my side in my bed.”
He smiled at me and happily took me in his arms.
We lay down, kissed each other and then snuggled up against each other. I was just so happy that I had Markus and that he was now in bed with me and in my arms.
The next few days were just great. I was in love and the best thing was that I could show it. Markus seemed to feel the same way.
The last week of vacation had begun and we wanted to take advantage of it – from next week on, we would have to sleep separately more often again.
As our last night together approached, Markus looked at me and then immediately looked back down.
Oh no, not again, I thought, what does he have now that he can't discuss with me?
“Markus, what's going on now? Didn't we agree that from now on we would talk openly about everything?”
“Yes, you're right. But I'm embarrassed,” he said.
“So then come out with it.”
“I... I... would like to sleep with you!”
So that's what he didn't dare say! That rascal! I had thought about asking him too, but I didn't dare either. Now he had forestalled me. I took him in my arms and whispered in his ear: “Me too with you!”
We kissed and I then pulled him up onto my bed. There we kissed for quite a while.
We made love long and deeply.
“I love you,“ I said to him.
“I love you too!” Markus replied.
We lay snuggled up next to each other for quite a while and then fell asleep.
The next morning I woke up and Markus wasn't next to me. I panicked immediately and jumped out of bed.
But then the door opened and Markus came in. I immediately ran into his arms.
“I was so afraid you had left me.”
“I was just in the bathroom, I would never leave you!” He said and we kissed.
That was our last night and we also spent Sunday together. The next day school started again.
The next few weeks were just incredible. Not much happened, except that we made love more often. Sex with him was just indescribable.
But our luck was not meant to last. We had been together for four months and no one knew except us, Markus came to me very sadly.
“Hey buddy, what's going on?” I asked him.
“My mother is going to move to East Friesland. She's met someone.”
“No. Does that mean we have to break up?” I asked, and I felt the tears welling up in my eyes.
“No, I was able to persuade her that I'll stay here with Melanie. Melanie stays here and keeps the apartment. She just said that if anything should happen, I can come to her anytime.”
“God, I'm glad, I think I couldn't stand losing you.”
After that, we kissed and I was glad that Markus could stay here. With me.
Six weeks passed and Markus' mother hadn't lived here for three weeks when one evening Markus came to me completely distraught.
“Marc, I can't stand it here anymore. I can't get along with my sister. I don't know what to do.”
I didn't know what to say and just held him in my arms.
“I love you Marc, more than I would like to, but I can't stay here any longer. I'm going to move to my mother in East Frisia,” Markus suddenly said.
What? I was stunned. What did he say? He's moving in with his mother?
“Please say that again,“ I stuttered.
“You heard me right. I'm going to East Friesland.”
“When?” was the only thing I could manage to say.
“My train leaves tomorrow at noon,” he whispered very quietly.
I couldn't say anything, I just took him in my arms and held him very tightly. Tears shot out of my eyes.
It hurt so much, I still had him here with me but from tomorrow he should be gone.
“How should it go on with us?” I said after a while.
“I don't know, but I think we won't see each other much. I think it's better if we split up tonight. Marc, it hurts me just as much as it hurts you. I love you, but I have no other choice,” he said with tears in his eyes.
“You're right, that'll be for the best. Yes, it hurts a lot. Hold me tight, please, at least for today.”
We snuggled all evening. Then, around 10 p.m., it was time to say goodbye. We held each other and both cried like never before. It hurt so much.
One last kiss and then he left.
I lay down on my bed and cried myself to sleep. The next day was just awful. I had a fever and stayed home.
So that was it. My first great love had left me, and not even because we didn't get along anymore, but because he had moved away. The next few weeks were horrible. On the outside, I wasn't allowed to show anything. I played it very convincingly.
Nevertheless, I often cried myself to sleep. To this day, I have not heard from Markus. I think he didn't want to hurt the other person any more than I did. That's why we didn't talk on the phone or write to each other.
End of part 1