Forums

I was standing on the stage in the middle of the sold-out stadium in LA. It was the last concert of my US tour, then a two-week break and then it was off to Europe. I was singing the last song of the concert. It was the song that made me famous and I was walking towards the centre of the stadium on the long extension of the stage when I saw ‘him’. About my age, 16, short black tousled hair, about my height and just plain cute. The realisation hit me like a slap in the face, my fears, worries and whatever else I had suppressed over the past few months became a certainty – I'M GAY!!!...
Sorry, where is my good education gone, I should probably introduce myself first. -g-
So, my name is David, I recently turned 16, I'm 174 cm tall (give or take a few centimetres, depending on your preference; well, maybe I'll grow a little more, although I don't really think so, neither my father nor my mother are particularly tall), I have short blonde hair, blue-grey eyes, and I'm not thin, but I'm not fat either. On the day I was born, my grandfather Wilhelm, who has unfortunately since passed away, transferred 51% of the shares in our company to me. The remaining 49% of the shares are split between my father Robert, my mother Lilly and my uncle Johannes (Uncle Jo). So, from the day I was born, I was one of the richest people in the world, because our company owns oil wells, hotel chains, shipyards, airlines, chemical industries and who knows what else. To put it casually, I was simply STINKING RICH. I'm not telling you this to show off, but it could be important in the course of the story to know why one thing or another is possible for me that might not be so easy for others.
My grandfather and his wife Molly had two sons, my father Robert and my uncle Johannes, who I always just call Uncle Jo. They are both 34 years old; my uncle is three minutes older than my father father and yes, they are identical twins. Unfortunately, I never met my grandmother; she died while giving birth to the twins. My grandfather was devastated and threw himself into his work. And when he found oil on the property he owned in Texas, he used the profits to slowly but surely build up his company over the course of three decades, as well as through clever investments on the stock market. All the companies and holdings were then combined into a holding company with the melodious name: ‘THE HOLDING’.
My father married my mother Lilly when he was 18 years old, whom he had met at a charity ball of the foundation ‘THE ARK’. It came as it had to come, they fell in love with each other and as it can be with hormone-driven and careless teenagers, I announced my coming shortly afterwards. Apparently they hadn't heard of contraception, but well, I'd better not complain. -g-
My mother, who is also 34 years old or young, is originally from Germany. Her parents died in a tragic car accident when she was 14 years old, and she was then taken in by her Aunt Doro, who lived with her husband Jeff, a former GI stationed in Germany. Aunt Doro then moved with Jeff to Los Angeles after his service in the army came to an end. This of course meant that my mother had to leave her old home in Hamburg at the age of 14 and also move to Los Angeles. However, she has not lost touch with her old friends in Hamburg and they are still in frequent contact, even though they are of course unable to meet often. She then met my father at the aforementioned gala, where she worked in the hotel service team to earn a little extra on the side to finance her interpreting studies.
Since then, my parents have been running the aforementioned foundation ‘THE ARK’, which my grandfather had founded. He always said that we have been given so much that we can't help everyone, but we will do what we can, and let's just say it's not exactly little. He then endowed the foundation with an endowment fund of, believe it or not, one billion dollars, and he also decreed that 5% of the holding's profits would go to ‘THE ARK’ every year.
My Uncle Jo isn't married, but he does have a different girlfriend from time to time. I like him just as much as I like my parents; he's like a second father to me.
Then there's Bob, he's my bodyguard and has been around for as long as I can remember. He is 33 years old, was a seal in the army, but then left the army. My grandfather then hired him as my bodyguard. He's like a big brother to me. Why he left the army back then, even though he certainly had a great career ahead of him there, is something I have unfortunately not been able to find out. He remains silent on the subject, and I only ever noticed that when the subject came up, he always seemed very thoughtful and sad afterwards.
Shortly after my 14th birthday, my grandfather died and I fell into a deep hole because I was very attached to him. Also, I kept having strange feelings when I saw a cute boy on TV; it was never like that with girls. I'm probably not the brightest candle on the cake, but it was clear to me what it was leading to: I was probably gay, even if I didn't want to be and I fought against it with all my might. I tried to simply repress the whole thing, and then my grandfather died and, as already mentioned, I fell into a deep hole or, to put it more precisely, into a severe depression.
My environment noticed that something was wrong with me and so my parents dragged me to one psychologist after another, but somehow I couldn't get along with any of them, I closed myself off more and more. Actually, I know that they just wanted to help me, but I just couldn't bring myself to talk to them.
About six months later, when I was about 14 and a half, we were at a fundraising gala for ‘THE ARK’ again, where a popular boy band (which also happened to be my favourite band, I knew every one of their songs by heart) was scheduled to perform. I was already at the ballroom earlier and the guys were just starting their sound check. I watched them very closely from up close; I had always been interested in music and, if my singing teacher was to be believed, I probably had a good voice too. I noticed that one of the guys, Dylan, the lead singer of the band, kept looking at me and he probably realised that I wasn't feeling well for whatever reason. During a break in the soundcheck, he came up to me and asked me if I wanted to join in. My expression must have been hilarious because he just laughed and pulled me on stage. There, a round began in which everyone introduced themselves. Well, I didn't need that now, I knew who they were, but they didn't know me yet. When I said that they were my favourite band and that I knew every one of their songs by heart, Dylan said, ‘Well then, show us what you can do,’ and they started playing, I immediately recognised the song and then started singing. The guys went quiet and just looked at me in disbelief, because I interpreted the song, which, by the way, was a love song, quite differently than they did. When the last chord of the song had faded away, Dylan just said, ‘Guys, pack up, this guy is stealing our show.’ We all started laughing.
Dylan and the guys had done it though, I actually felt better. We fooled around a bit, the guys then finished their soundcheck and so the gala slowly began and the first guests slowly arrived, my parents and uncle Jo were there by now too.
The gala was a huge success, with several million dollars raised for charity. The band then played the song that I had sung before, at the end, when they had finished and the applause died down, Dylan came to the microphone again and said that there would be a small encore and that the song we had just heard would be performed again in a newly interpreted version by an as yet unknown artist, but one from whom we could expect great things in the future. He then suddenly said: ‘David – would you please come up here?’
I had just taken my glass of Diet Coke and was about to take a sip when he said this. It was a good thing it was almost empty, because it almost fell out of my hand from the shock. I went on stage, as if in a trance, I think now in retrospect. I didn't really know what was going on. Earlier we were almost alone in the huge hall, only staff setting up the tables, but now there were over 1000 people there. When I arrived on stage, I was first hugged by the guys, then Dylan pushed a microphone into my hand and pushed me forward and the music started. I sang the song as I had already sung it a few hours earlier. When the song ended, it was deathly quiet in the hall, but then thunderous applause broke out. Dylan came to me and put his arm around me, we bowed and waited until the applause slowly died down, which felt like an eternity. Dylan then said into the microphone: ‘David, I'd love to know who you were thinking of when you were singing, but whether it was a girl or a boy, you just wished it was for you.’ I must have gone bright red, and Dylan took me in his arms and hugged me and then brought me to my parents and uncle Jo at the table, because he probably realised that my knees were getting a bit weak after all. My mother had tears in her eyes and my father and uncle Jo also had a suspicious glint in their eyes.
Now just a brief summary of what a time jump of about a year and a half entails.
So it came as it had to come, my mother probably thought that the music might be able to get her little boy out of the hole. And since my family, how could it be otherwise, also had contacts in the music industry, and I got permission to cover this very song, I recorded it in a studio without further ado. After its release, the song shot to number 1 in the charts, TV appearances followed and so on and so on. Shortly after my 16th birthday, I went on a big US tour, then a two-week break and then to Europe. A few shows in Asia were also planned for later, but that wasn't certain yet.
I was standing on the stage in the sold-out stadium in the middle of LA. It was the last concert of my US tour, then a two-week break and then it was off to Europe. I was singing the last song of the concert. It was the song that made me famous and I was walking towards the centre of the stadium on the long extension of the stage when I saw ‘him’. He was about the same age as me, 16 years old, with short, black, tousled hair , about the same height as me and just ‘cute’. The realisation hit me like a slap in the face, my fears, worries and whatever else I had suppressed in the last few months suddenly became a certainty – I'M GAY!!!...
... I just thought, ‘I have to get out of here, off the stage.’ Somehow I managed to get to the backstage area, and from outside I heard only, ‘ENCORE, ENCORE, ENCORE...’ There would be encores, but not for another 15-20 minutes. Believe it or not, jumping around on stage and singing for two hours is pretty exhausting and takes a toll on your physical condition. Since I sing almost 90% of the concert live and only 10% are playback, it's very exhausting. I refused to use playback at the beginning, but unfortunately I quickly realised that due to the choreography it was not possible in some places. Some dance interludes were so wild that it was impossible to sing clearly or at least reasonably well.
But now a 15-20 minute break, only Bob my bodyguard and Dylan, who became a good friend of mine, even though he is already 19 years old and in his eyes I must be a youngster with my just 16, seemed to have noticed that something must have happened on stage in the last few seconds. But they didn't ask at that moment, for which I was very grateful to them.
So there I was in my dressing room, getting ready for the encore, wondering what to do now. So much has happened in the last few months. I had blossomed and become the happy, always-in-a-good-mood boy I used to be, and I had completely forgotten my fears and worries about what it meant to be gay. But now a few minutes ago in the last seconds of the concert, it all came back to me in an instant and I knew now that I am gay and the realisation matured in me that I can accept that for myself now. You couldn't change it anyway and somehow I had the feeling that even if you could change it, I didn't want to.
The question remained, however, how I would do the encore, which had always been done in such a way that there were three more songs, the last of which was, let me call it ‘THE SONG’, the love song with which I became known.
The first song was performed as usual with my dancers on the big stage, and during the second song I slowly walked from the stage to the catwalk that led away from the stage to the middle of the stadium. And that was always the moment when my bodyguards – I always had several around me at concerts, in addition to Bob – had what was probably the most frightening moment of every concert for them, namely the moment when I went down from the outrigger over a small staircase and was thus at eye level with the audience, only one metre separated from the masses by a small security barrier. During these few minutes, the bodyguards are always sweating blood, so when I was down there singing the second song of the encore, I always picked a girl who I then took on stage and sat on a small stool at the front of the outrigger, which was now standing there. At the very front of the outrigger was an integrated lifting platform that then, during the last song, ‘THE SONG’, went up ten metres, and I sang it, gazing longingly at the girl.
But what did I do now with the realisation that I was gay and had apparently accepted it for myself, too? In my mental gymnastics, a picture was slowly coming together and I had a plan.
I put this into action immediately, I opened the door to my dressing room and said to Bobs, who was waiting there, that I urgently needed to speak to the head of lighting. Bob, who had known me since I was little, knew that he didn't even have to ask why: ‘Now? Why? etc.’ He took his mobile phone, dialled a number and gave it to me. I went back to my dressing room with the phone. When I had the technician, named John, on the phone, I explained my plan and my wishes for the last song and asked if it would be possible in the short time available. He said it would be no problem, but asked again if I was really sure, and when I said yes, I hung up.
So I stepped outside, gave Bob his phone back and immediately a whole bunch of people set off to accompany me to the stage. Once there, a sound engineer immediately came and put my headset on me, so a button in my ear and a microphone directly in front of my mouth. The time had come: the stadium lights went out, I took my position on the stage and the first song of the encore began. I sang and danced my heart out, then the first song was over and I slowly walked towards the outrigger. And then the moment began when I think my bodyguards each said a quick prayer to heaven. I started the second song and then slowly walked down the small stairs, where now only a small, approx. 1.20-metre-high safety fence separated me from the more than 25,000 people here in the stadium. Hundreds of arms were stretched out towards me, trying to touch me, mainly girls, but there were a few boys among them too. My bodyguards were sweating blood again and inside they were probably cursing me constantly at that moment, but they also had to be very careful that the fans didn't pull me over the fence. And then I stood in front of him, my God, he's so cute, I thought, short black hair, wildly gelled, as far as I could see, green eyes and a sensual mouth, a small scar on his right eyebrow, I hesitated for about a millisecond, but then I gave him both arms, which was the sign for Bob that this was the person for ‘THE SONG’. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bob raise his eyebrows, but I only had eyes for my boy in front of me. However, Bob did his job, grabbed the boy and lifted him over the barrier.
He was now standing right in front of me and I suddenly realised: what am I doing here, this can't be true,
‘I MUST BE THE BIGGEST ASS ON EARTH’
I scolded myself and could have slapped myself, what was I thinking, showing this poor boy up like this. Yes, if it were only about me, it wouldn't matter, nothing can happen to me, even if a few now think I'm gay, because of my family no one would dare to attack me directly, I can do without all the money that this , CDs, concerts, merch, etc., I can do without that, it goes to ‘THE ARK’ 100% anyway, I don't need the money, I have enough of it anyway that I would never be able to spend it. But that poor boy, what was I thinking? I might out him here, in any case he is now thought to be gay, whether he is or not, here in the stadium in front of over 25,000 people and clips of it will definitely end up on the internet, not to mention that.
‘I'M SUCH AN ASS!"
The whole thing played out in my brain in a split second, but what could I do now it was too late. The boy looked at me with wide eyes, I grabbed his left hand and pulled him on stage, but I didn't feel any resistance either (so I would probably have resisted, but I wasn't sure either. What goes through your mind when you're suddenly grabbed at a concert and dragged onto the stage). When we got to the stool, I pushed it down slightly to show him that he should please sit down. The second song was now over, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a sound engineer who always handed me a handheld microphone at this time. I don't know why, but I always wanted to sing the last song with a handheld microphone. It was probably something subconscious, so that I always had something to hold on to, where I always had some girl I was smitten with during the song. But now I wanted to have both hands free, so I shook my head slightly towards the sound engineer, who just shrugged and took the hand-held microphone away again, saying something into his radio, probably that they shouldn't switch off my headset, then it went dark, all the lights went out.
I just thought to myself, I have to somehow fix the whole thing afterwards, hopefully I can do it.
Then it started, the fireworks started with small explosions from the outer edges of the stage and then, in a domino effect, slowly followed the boom towards us. In the meantime, the lifting platform did its job and went up ten metres.
When it reached the top, the fireworks had reached their target at exactly the same time, and the lifting platform was illuminated with all the colours of the rainbow. It must have been a real play of colours, because my top was embroidered with thousands of sequins. Normally the spots that shine on you are white, and that looks good, but with all those colours it must look awesome. The huge video screens now displayed the message ‘WELCOME TO PRIDE WEEK IN LOS ANGELES’ and everything was bathed in rainbow colours.
I asked him his name and he answered Daniel. I thought I detected an accent in his voice, but I wasn't sure. ‘OK, Daniel, this song is just for you,’ and the music began. I sang my song and put as much feeling into it as I possibly could. I kept walking around the stool, stroking his shoulders, his cheeks, with my free hands, kneeling in front of him and caressing his chest with my hands, then slowly going down, stroking his thighs and knees, singing as if there were no tomorrow. The whole thing was, of course, also transmitted larger than life on the four 100-square-metre monitor walls, so that everyone could see exactly what a show I was putting on. The song drew to a close and the platform slowly started moving again, but this time downwards, and by the last final chord of the song it had reached the bottom. The applause that broke out now broke all previous records, I think. It went on and on, and with a bit of luck, I thought to myself, maybe everything will turn out well after all. I took Daniel in my arms and whispered a ‘sorry’ in his ear, when Bob came running along the boom and took Daniel with him behind the stage into the backstage area. That was always the way we did it, we didn't just let the people we brought on stage back into the audience, it was just too dangerous for us.
While Bob took Daniel backstage, I addressed my audience again, still beaming like a rainbow because I was still being illuminated by the spotlights. I explained to my audience how I had come up with the idea for this last song during the short break earlier. I had read something about Pride Week, which is starting soon, and spontaneously decided to do it here and now, and I'm really happy that this was so well received by this ‘world's best audience’ and that I hope I didn't offend Daniel by doing it, since he didn't know about the whole thing and is certainly not gay. The applause started up again and I slowly waved happily as I walked back onto the stage and then to the backstage area.
Once there, the first thing I felt was a cool towel being placed around my neck by a roadie, because beads of sweat were rolling down my face again. You wouldn't believe how hot it can get on a stage like that, when you're being illuminated by a few hundred thousand watts.
I walked slowly towards my dressing room, but suddenly Dylan was standing in front of me, gripping my upper arms with his hands and looking deep into my eyes. I couldn't hold his gaze and looked at the floor. Dylan slowly reached under my chin with the thumbs and index fingers of his right hand and lifted it slowly, then asked me: ‘David, do you remember at the gala where we met, after your performance, I said: I would love to know when you sang that song?’ I nodded slowly, feeling the tears welling up inside me. Then he just said quietly: ‘Now I know’. All the floodgates were now open and I howled like a dog, Dylan took me in his arms and stroked my back slowly and just said, ‘Calm down, my little one, everything will be fine’. Dylan really has become my best friend and I also get along great with his girlfriend Maja. We stood like that for a few minutes, then he took the towel that was still hanging around my neck and carefully cleaned my tear-stained face. Then he grinned at me and said: ‘So, now you're presentable again and come on, I think there's a young man there who you might need to explain a few things to.’ Oh yes, there was still something: Daniel. So we went towards my dressing room. Shortly before we reached it, my manager Sarah came towards me, furious and with a bright red face. When she reached us, she first pushed Dylan aside and then grabbed me by the upper arms. She shook me and asked, well actually she shouted more: What that was just then, that she hadn't approved of that and before I could even say a word, Bob was there and separated her roughly from me, he only looked at her briefly and said very quietly and calmly ‘Out’. She didn't argue and disappeared silently. Yes, Bob was my bodyguard, but he also loved me like a little brother and I loved him like a big brother. If anyone should even think about harming a hair on my head, they'd better pray to all the gods they know and hope that Bob wasn't around and didn't see it. He looked briefly at Dylan, who said that everything was OK, then to me: ‘Come on, you have a visitor,’ and grinned. We walked the last few steps to my dressing room and he opened the door, gave me a pat on the bottom and pushed me into the dressing room and closed the door behind me and stood in front of it. Believe me, no army in the world would have been able to get through that door now.
There I was in my dressing room, looking at this cute boy sitting on my couch, I said quietly, ‘Hi.’ He jumped, he was probably lost in thought and I had startled him, again I said softly, ‘Sorry.’ Then he smiled at me and said I should stop apologising to him. ‘But,’ I said, ‘I totally embarrassed you out there, here in the stadium, in front of thousands of people from the internet, where the whole thing has now reached astronomical numbers, not to mention me and I should stop apologising?’ I must have been in the wrong dressing room and looked around, no, this is mine and anyway, Bob would never have made such a mistake as to push me through the wrong door and then also slap me on the backside (it still hurts now – no, I'm kidding, it doesn't – g-) and I couldn't help but smile a little at the thought. Daniel must have seen that and then got up from the couch and came slowly towards me and said to me: ‘You know, I once saw a video on YouTube, it was a concert clip from New York at Madison Square Garden, I think, and there you also brought a girl on stage at the end and sang your song. You wouldn't believe how much I envied that girl, and now I'm here in your dressing room and just a little while ago I was sitting on that very stool on the stage, just like the girl in the video, and you sang the song just for me. OK, I know you always say that it's only for this person, but this time it was me and I'm a boy. And when you danced around me and kept touching me with your hands and stroked my cheek, you didn't do that to the girl, but you also had a microphone in your hand then, I almost melted with happiness.’ (Note to self: careful, this boy notices everything). ‘But it's just a dream, you explained on stage how it came about and I don't think you were lying, I saw the magazine here and there's a report about Pride Week here in LA right on the front page.’
Wow, OK, I understand now that I don't need to apologise, I guess I fulfilled a big dream for him, but still I feel guilty for taking him by surprise like that, it could have gone wrong, which only a little surprised that Bob leaves me alone with him, after all, he is a complete stranger, but I guess Bob has been talking to him the whole time after he took him off the stage and Bob also has a good knowledge of human nature. I wouldn't be surprised if there was a hidden camera and he was watching the whole thing on his mobile phone outside the door, no, he wouldn't do that, or would he, well, let's put it this way, I would bet my hand that it's not the case, as they say, ‘not in the fire’. But why did he envy these girls at all? Every boy I know would have freaked out if I had paraded him like that, thus implying that he was gay while I was dancing around him and singing a love song. And then I see something: the top button of his shirt has come undone and I can see a narrow leather strap around his neck. OK, that's nothing special in itself, I sometimes have a leather strap around my neck too, but there are small colourful discs attached to this leather strap. OK, colourful discs, so what, it's beautiful. I think that was the moment when my little brain decided to get in touch with me: ‘Man, David, what am I going to do with you. COLOURFUL DISCS - REALLY NOW, doesn't that remind you of something, think about it, a few minutes ago on stage you were sparkling like a rainbow yourself. RAINBOW, do you understand R E G E N B O W?’ It suddenly hits me: Daniel is obviously a boy and wears a necklace in the colours of the rainbow, which is a well-known sign of the queer community. I concluded from this with my extremely clever brain (which was chuckling quietly) that this incredibly cute boy in front of me is 99.99% likely (there's always a bit of shrinkage) to be gay. OK, let's check the facts again before I do or say something rash again. So, we have a boy here who dreams of being adored with a love song by a boy, in this case probably me, sitting on a stool on a stage in front of tens of thousands of strangers. This boy also wears a necklace in the colours of the rainbow, which according to Adam Riese = 99.99% gay. Wait a minute, why does he look so sad and what did he just say: I apologised to the audience and explained. OK, I did that in a way, but only to protect HIM, not myself. I don't really care what people think of me, well, not really, but mostly I do. (I don't want to get political now, but I really don't like the colour brown, for example).
Somehow I feel as if I am constantly in a different world today. Daniel is standing in front of me, looking at the floor, and I slowly lift his chin with the thumb and index finger of my right hand, just as Dylan did to me recently. When he looks back at my face, I just say, ‘No Daniel, that's not what I meant. I think I need to explain it all to you in detail.’ It's funny, I'm standing here in my dressing room with a boy who is actually a complete stranger to me. After all, I saw him for the very first time just about 60 minutes ago, and now I'm already laying my soul bare in front of him. Is this the kind of soul-mate relationship I've heard about but never really understood? I took Daniel by the hand and pulled him to the couch, where we then sat down. But then I got up again and got us something to drink. After a concert, I always drank a mixture of water and a number of vitamin and mineral supplements, because you tend to sweat quite a bit during the concert and the vitamin and mineral balance of the body is replenished with it. I didn't like the taste of it, but I realised that it was probably useful after all. I didn't want to do that to Daniel, so I gave him a Coke light. When we were sitting on the couch, I turned slightly towards him so that I could look him directly in the eye.
So I started: ‘Daniel, I saw you for the first time about 60 minutes ago, that was exactly during the last song before the encore.’ He then said: Yes, he had noticed that, I had looked him straight in the eye and he thought he had received a lightning strike, as if something had happened and he also thought that he had seen something in me too, but couldn't explain it. (Note to self: weigh everything up before saying anything to him, he apparently really does notice everything). I said: Yes, you're right, I realised something at that moment that I had been afraid of for a long time and I had pushed it completely into the background and that there had been so much going on in the last 1 ½ years that I didn't even think about it anymore. I told them that shortly after I turned 14, I started to feel unwell and when my grandfather died, I fell into a deep hole. Yes, as the doctors said, I had severe depression, that my parents dragged me from one psychologist to another, even specialists from abroad were flown in specially, but none could help me. I didn't have any suicidal thoughts, but I think my parents, Uncle Jo and also Bob were afraid I might do something to myself. I never had many friends in my life, just casual acquaintances, but I increasingly cut myself off from them too, until I just stayed at home. I didn't go to a public school, I always had private tutors, so I was just at home all the time. Until that one day about a year and a half ago, when I met Dylan and the others from the band at the gala. I then went on to explain how I ended up singing ‘Der Song’ for the first time and how that started my music career. I slowly began to flourish again, I was happy and joking around with the staff at home again, the worry lines on my parents, Uncle Jo and Bob and also on the other staff members slowly disappeared, but didn't go away completely.
I took a break and took a sip of my water, grimacing as always – that stuff tastes disgusting – and Daniel smiled slightly and then asked shyly: ‘Can I ask you what you were afraid of and what you suppressed, and what does that have to do with today and with me?’
Actually, I didn't have to say anything anymore, I knew he already knew the answers, but I had to go through with it now. ‘It was only when you were suddenly so sad and you said that you thought it was all a dream that I realised what I had said and that you probably took it the wrong way.
Let me try to explain it to you:
The realisation I had about you, which I had during the brief eye contact with you, and something became clear to me and I accepted it, too, lifted a huge burden from me. But I was also totally confused and just wanted off the stage. So I went to my dressing room and changed. I sat there on the chair and my eyes fell on the magazine, the editorial was about Pride Week here in Los Angeles, which starts next week, and I slowly had the idea of changing the end of the show today. I immediately put this plan into action by telling the head of lighting technology my wishes for the last song, and you were able to experience the result of this change live. But the fact that I could embarrass you in front of thousands of people because of my rash action, make you look gay and who knows what else, but you would have to bear the consequences of my rash actions, none of that occurred to me at the time. It was only when I stood in front of you and held out both my hands, that Bob knew that you were the one for ‘THE SONG’. He did his job and lifted you over the barrier. It was only at that moment that I realised what it could all mean for you, but it was too late, I couldn't go back, I had to see this through. I could only try to defuse the whole thing somehow, hence the explanation at the end to the audience, I was just trying to protect you.
But I keep beating around the bush without answering your questions, although I'm pretty sure you know the answers.’
Very quietly he said ‘maybe’ and looked at me lovingly.
‘... so when I saw you from the stage at that moment, the realisation hit me like a bolt of lightning, and in a millisecond I realised that I'm gay and can now accept it for myself.’ He smiled slightly, and there was something else, somehow I was close to the water today, because I realised that tears were welling up again. ‘I have also fallen madly in love with you at this very moment, even though I don't know you at all.’ My tears now decided to seek their way to freedom as I said this, and Daniel carefully brought his two hands closer and closer to my face, gently wiping them away with his thumbs. Slowly, very slowly, our faces came closer and closer. With a bit of luck, a sheet of paper would fit between our lips, when there was a knock at the door and Bob suddenly stood in the room, we flinched.
‘David, I just got off the phone with your parents. I had to inform them about what you did here today and how Sahra behaved. She's completely lost it, the phones haven't stopped ringing, every TV and radio station wants an interview and every journalist who can hold a pencil wants a story about you, well rather you,’ and he grinned as he said it. ’Furthermore, your mother demands that you appear at the estate immediately.’ Oh my god, what does that mean, my mother demands and also immediately, normally my mother asks me for something or would like to have, but ‘demands’ and then ‘immediately’, whereby she takes the word immediately literally, the big hand of a clock can only turn once, which means in plain language, I have to be home within an hour. ‘But Bob, how are we supposed to make it from here to the estate in an hour, that's impossible.’ The only answer I got was, “The helicopter lands in five minutes.” I was totally shocked. Just before he closed the door completely, it opened again a crack and Bob stuck his head in: ’There's something else. Your mother said I shouldn't dare to appear without her future son-in-law.’ He quickly pulled his head out and while he closed the door completely, he said, “Sorry, but that just had to be.” At that moment, my bottle of water with the delicious contents flew against the door. I only just heard Bob say, ‘It doesn't taste that bad that you have to throw it around,’ and I started laughing.
We both sat on the couch and just looked at each other, both of us a little shocked. I couldn't get Bob out of my head and I just thought to myself, what did he have for breakfast today, I haven't seen him like this in a long time. Yes, how long actually not, how long had I not heard Bob laugh, although we used to laugh about almost every little thing and then it occurred to me: He stopped laughing around the time when I was getting worse and worse and I was withdrawing more and more. I became sad and the tears came back again, because I slowly realised what I had done to my environment with my behaviour during this time, but what had changed today, I had been feeling better for about a year and a half already. Somehow he realised that today was probably the last straw, which apparently still hung over me like the sword of Damocles. He probably knew me better than I knew myself. That would also explain why he had reacted so aggressively to Sahra. She would never have hit me or hurt me in any other way. You are probably thinking that he just separated her from me and quietly told her to leave, but that's where the rub is buried, or however you say it. When Bob shouts and screams, everything is OK, but when he is very calm and speaks softly, which is more like hissing, then caution is advised, because then he is on the verge of an explosion. Sahra knows this and has therefore quietly disappeared from his sight. He would do everything in his power to prevent me from withdrawing into my shell again because of something or someone. So my tears were running again today (by the way, how much lacrimal fluid can a body actually produce in one day? Daniel wiped the tears from my face with his thumbs again and asked me quietly: ‘David, what's wrong all of a sudden?’ I said that I would probably have to apologise to all the people close to me for the time I had caused them so much grief. He just said that he didn't think I would have to do that and that they wouldn't ask me to either, they would just be happy that you are now the happy and cheerful boy again that they love and have missed so much. I smiled slightly at him and hoped he was right. Slowly, very slowly, our lips approached each other again and this time there was no sheet between them. Our lips touched lightly, a small, first kiss without tongues. After all, we had already known each other for proudly 90 minutes or so when our lips touched, I thought I felt little flashes and an unknown feeling of happiness chased through my body and I felt that Daniel felt the same way. There was a soft knock at the door and Bob asked, a little shyly, if he could come in without having to watch out for low-flying water bottles. I said he could come in safely, although I briefly toyed with the idea of throwing the half-full coke can from Daniel at him, but I decided against it in the end, after all I liked Bob too much. He came in and asked us if we had settled everything we needed to. We both looked at each other, nodded slightly, turned to Bob and said in unison: ‘Yep, all set.’ Bob laughed again and said: ‘Well, that could be something, you're already answering in unison.’ Then, however, he said seriously, ‘We have to go, the helicopter's here.’ My smile disappeared from my face again. I knew, especially after Bob said that he shouldn't dare to appear without her new son-in-law, that something bad or even rejection wouldn't be waiting for us at home, but I should probably ask Daniel first if he wanted to come at all, I couldn't decide for him. I had already said it, or rather, I had already made two mental notes: the boy simply notices everything. He took me in his arms and just said, ‘You don't need to be afraid, I'm happy to come with you,’ and gave me a little kiss on the mouth and I smiled again. ‘Then let's get started,’ said Bob, opened the door and took me by the right side, Daniel by the left, putting an arm around each of our shoulders. We left the dressing room and were immediately surrounded by a crowd of twenty security people and led through the hallway to the stage exit. Normally, there is an after-show party in the backstage area after a concert, where I would have gone to after freshening up, of course. It wouldn't have been forever, but I've usually lasted about an hour at these things. It was actually always quite funny, although some of them were quite proud of the fact that they were allowed to be in the backstage area. Well, I always thought ‘if it makes you happy’, although that probably didn't help with some of them. -g- I actually felt sorry for them, many of them had paid a lot of money for such a pass and then I didn't come, but as I found out later, Sahra had calmed down and told the guests that I unfortunately couldn't attend the party today due to an urgent family matter, but that their passes would still be valid for the next concert in LA. Well, whether that was such a happy way to put it. ‘Urgent family matter’, they all saw what I did during the last song, well, actually I don't care what people think. We arrived at the end of the hallway, and before the doors were opened to the outside, some security people took signs and held them over us so that no one could see us. Do you know Asterix and Obelix, how the Romans always march there, it must have looked something like that. The doors opened and suddenly it was as bright as day from the flurry of flashlights. Not much should be visible in the pictures, but slowly but surely we reached the helicopter, the rotor was still on and Bob pushed us in, then jumped in himself and immediately closed the door. The rest of the security people quickly went back and the helicopter took off under a flurry of flashlights and flew towards the estate where my family lives.
The flight would take about 40 minutes; we would never have made it in an hour, as my mum had set, even with a police escort. Anyone who has ever flown in a helicopter knows that it's hard to have a conversation in one, as you usually have headphones on. You can switch off the people you don't want to hear, but it's still not a real conversation, at least that's my opinion, and I'm always quite quiet on a flight. I sat next to Daniel and held his hand in mine and thought about what had happened in the last few hours. I turned to Daniel and gave him a little kiss on his right cheek, because there was this stupid microphone hanging from his helmet in front of his mouth, I had pushed it up on my helmet. Just as I was turning back, I noticed something about Daniel: he had a backstage pass hanging from a red ribbon, but if he had a pass, why was he out in the audience and not in the backstage area, and why did he have a red pass? You have to know that there are at least three different types of backstage passes: yellow, blue and red. Yellow ones allow you to be in the backstage area, but not everywhere, with the blue ones, you are allowed to be in almost the entire backstage area, except for the dressing rooms of me and possible guests of mine, e.g. my favourite boy band Dylan, who sometimes, if their time allows, come on stage for a few songs, the fans are always happy because a concert then always takes longer, because these interludes then come in addition to the normal programme, are taboo for them. Yes, and then there are the red ones, they are allowed in my dressing room. That doesn't mean that they can just walk in, they still have to knock, and I have to allow it, but they could just go there and knock without any problems. The reds are really rare and only my immediate surroundings actually have one, for example Bob, Dylan and the other guys from the band, the security, Sahra, my manager, Paul, my press officer, my parents, they are around, then there's Jean, who is responsible for my wardrobe, well, everything that has to do with clothes and such, and Tina, who is responsible for hair and make-up. Otherwise, I can't think of anyone off the top of my head. Well OK, I've got one too, OK it's not red but golden (sorry, sounds snobbish, I know, but it wasn't my idea) I should actually always wear it when I'm in the backstage area, unless I'm going on stage, then of course not. At the opening concert of my US tour in Miami, there was an incident that was actually quite funny. I was running a bit aimlessly through the corridors, looking for my dressing room. I can't even remember why I was so disoriented that day, it was probably nervousness, also known as stage fright before my performance. After all, it was the first performance in such a large arena, I think there were 30 thousand thousand or more spectators. Until then, it was usually only TV appearances in shows or something like that, and the audience is usually very manageable, usually no more than 100 people, even if some camera angles make it look like more. My biggest appearance in front of a large audience to date was actually at the gala in front of about 1000 people, but I was so surprised myself that I didn't really realise it at first. It was only when the applause started that I realised it properly and my knees started to shake. Dylan gave me a hug and took me back to the table of my parents and my uncle Jo. There were a few guest appearances at concerts by Dylan and Co. later on, but I was only a guest and not the actual show act and I was never alone on stage. But now, before my first big concert, I was all alone on stage. Well, that's not entirely true. There were usually some dancers there, but they weren't the show act. It was just me. Over 30 thousand people were willing to spend money on a ticket just to hear me, yes me, sing there that evening. I couldn't believe it at the time and still can't really, even though everyone says to me, you have such a talent, they can't really describe it themselves, but somehow I would manage to fill the stage and captivate everyone, whatever they mean by that. So I probably just had stage fright, and believe me, when you're standing there, no matter how cool you are or whatever, your heart sinks. And anyone who says they don't feel that way is either lying, or they go on stage drunk, or they take pills, or both. But since I don't do either alcohol or pills, my heart does slip a floor or two just before the show. So I ran headlessly through the corridors to find my dressing room. When I found it, a security man arrived, saw that I didn't have a pass on, he probably didn't know me either, which I couldn't blame him for and didn't. On the one hand, it was the first concert, everyone was new and we all had to get to know each other first. I'm not, wasn't and don't plan on being, the type to demand that everyone knows me and knows who they have in front of them. So I was just about to open the door to my dressing room when this new guy (well, actually all the security guards were new, but the others had apparently found out who they were supposed to protect beforehand) so this two-metre giant named Matthias, as I later found out, came up to me, grabbed me by the collar and said: ‘How did you get in here, I'll throw you out of here in a flash. But first I want to know how you got in here.’ So I fidgeted around and then just said, but then you go out on stage and tell them outside that the concert is cancelled because you kicked me out. Then it slowly dawned on him who he had grabbed by the collar and he asked rather sheepishly: ‘Can you please show me your passport, I'm new here and don't want to do anything wrong’. Man, was that embarrassing, we then went to my dressing room and I showed him my passport, on my passport is in addition to an ID number and a photo of me. He then checked with a scanner, if this was real and when the scanner gave the green light and thus had confirmed its authenticity, he apologised a thousand times with me and then left me alone in my dressing room. Since that incident, whenever I see Matthias the giant in one of the corridors, I always act very frightened, then scream for help, ‘That one’, and point at him (I know you're not supposed to do that), ‘wants to kick me out, help me’, and run away. He: ‘Yes, yes, another boy running around here without a passport, just you wait, I'll get you,’ and he runs after me, because everyone knows about the incident at the first concert, everyone laughs. Something like that also helps to dispel stage fright. After a few metres, I let Matthias catch me and we end up laughing and hugging each other. When I think about it now, I notice that Bob never laughed along with me, but just shrugged slightly at the corners of his mouth. Oh man, what have I done, are they all suffering from some kind of trauma and I never noticed, I was just too busy digging myself in. Hopefully my boyfriend – I think I can already say that Daniel is my boyfriend now – is fine with it when he said that I didn't have to apologise, they're just happy that I'm back to my old self. Tears ran down my right eye again, the left one stayed dry, but they were only three small ones, probably my body had no more ingredients to produce more tear fluid or it wasn't ready yet. -g-. This time, however, I managed to wipe away the three tears myself without anyone noticing, but I was starting to feel embarrassed; I was mutating into the crybaby of the millennium today. But why did Daniel have such a red pass around, probably Bob had given him one when he went with him from the stage to the backstage area, but no, he already had it on when I saw him for the first time, this image, even if it was maybe only one or two seconds, had been burned forever in my brain. So I tried to recall this picture and yes, I could see the pass quite clearly in front of me, but only the pass, I couldn't see the red ribbon, but that was probably because he was wearing a bright red shirt in almost exactly the same colour as the ribbon. If he had had a yellow or blue pass, I would have seen that because of the colour difference. So why did Daniel have a red backstage pass and why wasn't he in this area if he already had one, but directly in front of the stage? At that moment, Daniel squeezed my left hand, which was still in his right, a little harder. I looked at him questioningly, but then I realised that the helicopter was slowly descending and preparing to land; we had arrived at my family's estate.
What would await us now...