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“Are you coming at last?”

“Yes, I'll be right there.”

“Benny, hurry up, will you?”

“Yes!”

Oh man, the same old story every time. Dad has a new job and we have the stress.

Why? It's simple! My dad is the coach of a Bundesliga soccer team! That meant we had to change cities every three years.

In this business, it's called fluctuation, quite simply. And now he had received an offer that, in his own words, he couldn't refuse.

The team in Germany, the biggest for any trainer in this country. So we're moving again. This time to Munich! To the great FC Bayern. From northern Germany to this, well, how should I put it? Bavaria, that's it! For me, that means: losing friends, moving, new school! Great!

I'm thrilled! Very thrilled! I could throw up!

Good! He's making a shit load of money! The press are already pissing him off and I have to go with him. Great!

From Hamburg to Munich! For me, that's about as good as from Hamburg to... I don't know what?

Definitely rubbish!

And I was doing really well, had settled in, even found a few friends.

Yes! All right! I'll stop whining.

So I got into the new Audi A8, free from the sponsor, of course.

Everything is pushed up your ass. New house, paid for by the club, tutoring for God knows what. And you guessed right! Paid for by the club!

I sat in the passenger seat because a mom no longer exists. She had preferred to give my dad the boot. That was two years ago. They drifted apart! What a word! Why don't they just tell me the truth? She fell in love with someone else and my dad is in love with his job. Simple! Or? Well, for a 15-year-old, it's probably still too much to understand.

What do you think?

I was looking out of the side window. Signs and guard rails passed by and I looked briefly behind me, where my brother Leif was sitting and playing something on the laptop.

Leif had just turned 15 and didn't really mind moving again. Leif? Kind of a weird guy. Our relationship has never been the best, I don't know why. We're just too different, I guess. He likes to hang around on the PC more than I do with people.

He's just a loner! At some point I just stopped giving him a hard time about it. If there's no reaction, it's just no fun.

With the Kassel mountains just behind us, my dad said to me:

“And so bad?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Munich?”

“No idea! I just happen to like Hamburg.”

“Because of your mother?”

“Nonsense! You know that. No, because of my friends there.”

“Hey! Benny! I'm sure you'll make new friends and besides, Hamburg isn't out of the world.”

“Only 900km away. Do you think you can make it in Munich with the star ensemble?”

“Well, come on! With my best co-trainer named Benny? What could possibly go wrong?”

Typical of my dad! He always asked me about new player signings and line-ups. Why? No idea! He just said I had a good nose for who fits into the team and who doesn't. Yes! I like soccer! It's exciting, the tactics, the players – even though most of them are pretty empty-headed.

“I'll still be a Pauli fan though.”

“Son! Me too! But don't tell anyone.”

My answer remained a grin. Four years ago, my dad had taken FC St. Pauli from the third to the first Bundesliga. The last season then in the Uefa Cup and that was also the reason for this offer from FC Bayern. Yes, Pauli is something special, led by a gay president, with the most awesome fans ever. Very alternative, sometimes they look a bit wild, but they are usually super peaceful and nice. They always got so baked at the Millerntor that it didn't matter whether they won or lost, by the end they were so stoned themselves that they always went out celebrating. And I don't even smoke pot. I tried it two or three times and fell asleep every time. Nah, I'd rather shoot a bottle of wine in the head and be done with it.

I must have dozed off, my old man woke me up when we finally arrived. Munich-Grünwald is apparently a rich neighborhood, in any case, the neighboring houses looked exactly like our new one. It was a mansion-like neighborhood. The moving company that took care of our move was apparently already finished, I saw a fully furnished house.

My room is on the second floor, but I was too tired to take a closer look. When I woke up, I realized that it was light again. How long have I been sleeping? A glance at the clock on my bedside table confirmed it. I had slept for ten hours straight. Oh man! Now it's time to get up! Off to the bathroom! Bathroom? Where is the bathroom?

“Dad? Where's the bathroom?” I shouted into the open house!

My father was sitting at the kitchen table, a pot of coffee in his hand, grinning at me.

“You have your own. The door in your room.”

“Thanks.”

Door which door? It was weird, but I had overlooked it.

I found it right away. Cool! I even had a bathtub in here! Finally no hassle with Leif about who could use the bathroom first.

Freshly polished, I wanted to go with Dad to the training ground in Säbener Strasse. There was the first team training session with the new coach, that is, my father.

He had hardly arrived when he was taken over by the manager, so I felt a little lost.

I was still standing around a little indecisively next to the A8 and didn't really know how to get in here, when I heard someone from behind:

“Hi! Do you know where the dressing room is?”

I turned around and saw the face of one of Germany's most talented young players, Daniel Berg. However, I not only saw the player but also two super cute shiny eyes that literally leapt out at me. Wow! He's got something!

“Um, I, well, um, no idea!” Phew, that was hard!

“Ah, so!“ and grinned at me so sweetly that I blushed. Earth open up! Swallow me! Please!

“And what are you doing here then? A fan or a spy?”

“More of a spy,” I had found my voice again.

Puzzled, Daniel looked at me and said, “You're way too young for that!”

In the meantime, a bodyguard or supervisor (or whatever these people are called) had apparently spotted Daniel and guided him to the training ground. He winked as he passed me and said, “Have fun spying.”

The supervisor gave me a dark look and disappeared with Daniel.

Man, Daniel was really cute! Blond hair cut into a fringe, just as tall as me, 5'9“, and his face was just cute. Yes, cute, that's all I could think of at the moment.

I had another problem, this 6'7” hulk of a man standing in front of me and telling me to go away.

My head went up slowly to meet his eyes.

“That won't work.”

“What? That won't work? Move your haunches and goodbye.”

“My dad would object.”

“Oh yeah? And who's your dad?”

“The trainer.”

The cabinet looked at me and started laughing loudly. This laughter sounded so hollow that I almost expected an echo.

“Benny! What took you so long?”

My dad was standing behind the fence, looking at me impatiently.

“I can't get past this human.”

The hulk stood motionless in front of me and his laughter now slipped away.

“Why didn't you say so?“ he hissed at me.

“Huh? I did!” After an apology from the locker, I now also entered the training ground.

It took a while for the team to be complete. Some of the players were sitting, others were standing, forming a semi-circle around my dad. I stood a little way off and watched my dad's inaugural address with interest. Well, actually, I was more watching the players and their reactions; the younger ones all looked very focused, the older ones a little bored. They've probably been through something like this many times before.

The new assistant coaches were introduced. My dad mumbled something and pointed at me, the players grinned and nodded at me.

I don't know what Dad said to them, but it was probably something like 'mascot' or something like that.

The players warmed up and Daniel came up to me grinning:

“So, so, a spy for the coach?”

“Nonsense!“ My reaction was a little too intense, so I immediately felt sorry for Daniel, who gave me a friendly punch on the arm and said:

“Hey! I didn't mean it like that. I'm glad you're here.” And then he walked away, winking at me again.

What was that about? And that wink! Oh man! I could really go for him. Nonsense! Him and gay? No way. Come on! No way! But enough about me and my fantasies!

Yep! I'm gay! Even though I've never had a real boyfriend. I'm not really sure why. My looks are okay, I guess, but it's probably more to do with my shyness. That's the disadvantage of being the son of a celebrity. I just don't know if people want something from me because of who I am or because my dad is the coach. Once I've found out and made friends, it's time to move! Well, that's how it was in Hamburg.

The rest of the training was boring, so I went to see the club house. It's pretty impressive. Very modernly furnished and styled in the club colors.

In the hallway, I met the manager, who recognized me and said:

“Well, Benny? How do you like it here?”

“It's pretty impressive.”

He then blabbed something about hard work and a traditional club and stuff like that. I tuned my ears to auto mode or draft and nodded my head from time to time. The last thing he said, I did catch though.

“I still have something for you.”

“And what would that be?”

“Come with me.”

I followed the manager into a room, which was probably his outer office. A secretary greeted us and shook my hand.

“Susanne, have you got the ID for Benny ready yet?”

I was amazed at the casual tone that prevailed here.

“Just a moment, boss!” She rummaged around in a drawer and then gave me a VIP ID with my picture on it.

“So the security people will let you in.”

Aha, so they're called security. After I had thanked her, I disappeared towards the exit. The training must have ended too, because some of the players, already dressed, were talking in the parking lot or signing autographs. Daniel was standing there too and was being hugged and smothered by some chick. Damn! Of course, the cutest player here had a girlfriend. My mood went down.

“Hey, Benny!” Daniel said when he saw me.

I traipsed over to him and he introduced me to his girlfriend, babbling something about maybe doing something together, to which I replied with a simple yes. With my head bowed, I then crept over to Dad's car, but he was nowhere to be seen. Bored, I watched the players and noticed the first difference to Pauli. At Pauli, the whole team usually went to the clubhouse or the local bar to chat, but here the players left immediately after the end of training. So much for team spirit. My dad turned up and asked me what was going on. I explained to him what I had just seen and he nodded approvingly.

“Yes, I've noticed that too. So what do you think about inviting the team to a barbecue?”

“At our house?”

“Yes, sure! We did that quite often in Hamburg.”

“OK! When?”

“Saturday! Sunday is a training-free day and we don't have a friendly game either.”

“Fine by me.”

“Oh, one more thing.”

“Yes?”

“The new player from the USA is arriving tomorrow.”

“And?”

“I wanted to ask you to come with me to the airport, he'll be living with us for a while anyway, so he'll have at least one person to turn to. Besides, you're the same age and might become friends, so it won't be so hard for him.”

Shit! I hadn't thought about the American anymore. There is a club boarding school here, but it was probably already full. That's why the club management decided to put him up with us for now. More of a family atmosphere, so that he feels comfortable. The once-in-a-century talent, as the German trade journals called him, should thrive in a sheltered environment. I didn't know all that much about him, only that his name is Sean Kaiser, he has a German mother and would therefore probably be eligible for our national team. Oh, and that he is 17 years old and that FC Bayern paid 6 million euros for his transfer. And that for a 17-year-old! That's a lot, but it's not my money, so I don't care.

I still had three weeks of vacation left and didn't have anything better to do anyway.

“Well, if I'm doing you a favor.” There's nothing wrong with a little brown nose every now and then.

“Thanks, I knew I could count on you. Oh, and by the way, maybe you'll find what you're looking for in him?”

My dad grinned from ear to ear and I blushed. Great! Always pick on the little ones! My father has known that I'm gay for three years and, unlike my mother, he took it quite lightly and sometimes makes fun of me about it. It's probably one of the reasons why I chose my father and moved in with him and not with my mother, who couldn't come to terms with my homosexuality at all. My mother had made a fuss after my involuntary coming out. Involuntary? Uproar? My mother caught me with a classmate practicing French kissing. We were just practicing! The old lady went crazy and screamed like a fury. She kept asking me if I was gay and at some point, out of defiance, I got tired of it and said yes. After that, there was no contact between us. At the time, I didn't even know for sure if I was really gay. That changed over time and I became very sure of it. My dad had laughed at my mother and told me that I should stand by it. Yes, that welded us together. My brother Leif just took it without comment. What can you say as a 12-year-old? The only problem is that I still don't know how he feels about it and whether he can handle it. As I said, he's a loner.

The flight from America was supposed to land in Munich around 10:00 a.m. My dad was getting impatient because I couldn't get ready in the bathroom. I had the usual problem: my hair was standing on end in all the wrong places. So I whipped out the hair gel and tried to tame the beast with hairspray. I looked in the mirror: disaster!

Wash my hair again, blow-dry it and the same game all over again. Normally I'm not that vain, but somehow I wanted to make a good impression on the American guy. Why? Just because! I mean, he's going to be living with us for a while and if he comes across an exploded toilet brush right away? First impressions count! I read that somewhere.

So check! Yes it's OK! Let's go. We wanted to travel incognito, that is, just my dad and me. When we arrived at the new Franzdings Airport (or what was the last King of Bavaria's name again? *fg*), we hadn't reckoned on the local tabloids, which had somehow got wind of the American's arrival today. Photographers and reporters were already bustling around the entrance hall.

“Shit!” my dad exclaimed.

“Yep!”

“So what?”

“Do the press people know me?”

My dad looked at me and then grinned.

“Nope, I don't think so.”

“Then maybe you should disappear and I'll go and get him out.”

“OK! Do you know what he looks like?”

“No idea!”

“Here's a photo of him, and when you've found him, come immediately to the side exit, I'll somehow make the BGS people understand that they should get rid of the hordes. All right?”

“Jo! Do you have enough autograph cards with you?”

“Why?”

“For the BGS people?”

My dad grinned at me and gave me the thumbs up sign. So, into battle I went! I looked at the photo of Sean and my knees went as soft as jelly. Shit! If the guy looks half as good in person as he does in the photo, I'll probably have a few sleepless nights. Then Daniel came to mind again, he's just a footballer! Sean probably has a girlfriend in America, so what the heck! Sigh! I bought a pair of sunglasses and a pretty cool hat at a souvenir stand. I reached the gate just in time. The first Lufthansa passengers from Boston were streaming out of the security area when I saw Sean. Man, the photo wasn't even half as good as he looks in person. Tanned, brown hair and deep blue eyes. Shit! Oh please not that! A certain part of me was making itself felt in my pants! How embarrassing is that, please! My hair is in place, but my pants are not, or rather they are sticking out because I only have cargo shorts on! Garbage! I don't have time to think about it anymore or the press will get him right away! So over to him!

“Hi! Are you Sean Kaiser?” How imaginative!

His eyes scanned me from top to bottom. My boss in the pants had meanwhile calmed down in the rush. Phew!

He looked at me uncertainly and then said after what seemed like an endless moment:

“Uh, yeah! I'm Sean! Why?”

His German is damn good. Almost accent-free. He still looked at me uncertainly and couldn't seem to pigeonhole me in his brain.

That was probably my part now.

“Hi! I'm Benjamin Degen, your coach's son! Welcome to good old Germany! And of course to FC Bayern Munich! Please put on these sunglasses and this hat!”

“Why?”

“Why? Because it's essential for you! That's why!”

Shit! Now the little guy was even more intimidated, I could see that from his eyes staring nervously at me. That's exactly what I didn't want! What should I do now? Best to tell the truth, right?

“Listen Sean! You're playing for FC Bayern from now on! And that means you're something of a star! The press is lurking in the reception area for you. We wanted to spare you that at first, that's why I'm here! The two of us won't attract as much attention as if the entire Bavarian entourage had appeared here. So put on sunglasses and a hat and follow me!”

“OK!”

I think Sean was so frightened that he would have accepted anything. I put the sunglasses and the hat on him and grinned at him.

“Looks cool!”

Hey! A first slight smile from him! I grabbed one of the two light bags he was carrying with him, the suitcases would follow anyway by FC-Bayernexpress, and stomped towards the side exit. I looked at him a little from the side and had to grin again. The way he had looked at me just now, that shy look from bottom to top, wow! For me, he fell into the category of: cuddling, protecting and holding on to. My little one! We made it to the side exit without any problems, where we were met by a line of BGS officers who then escorted us out of the building to my dad's car without being observed.

After the obligatory greeting from my father, I sat down in the passenger seat and Sean sat down in the back. Sean didn't say a word the whole ride. I turned around to him and smiled encouragingly, which he gratefully accepted to briefly smile back.

Sean Kaiser Boston, USA

(The story continues from Sean's point of view, one week before departure!)

“Please Sean, don't go to Europe!”

My boyfriend sat across from me and looked at me with tear-filled eyes. Oh shit! Why is he making this so difficult for me?

Two months ago, I received a call from Munich asking if I could imagine moving to Munich. What a question. To the top club in Germany? To one of the best clubs in the world? Of course I could! Especially to Germany, my mother's home country and a language I am proficient in? At home, we spoke German almost exclusively because my mother wanted me to grow up bilingual. The manager and coach came to Boston two weeks later to finalize the contract. We met at the office of my Boston River Soccer Club's manager, who plays in the US Major League and with whom I had a long-term contract. It was actually clear to me that I would go to Munich, you only get such a chance once in a lifetime. My manager discussed it with the Munich people and when it came to the transfer fee, my jaw dropped.

The guy actually wanted $7 million for me. Shit! That's it then. Bye, bye Bayern! The two of them will surely stand up and leave the room without saying a word. But the FC Bayern manager didn't even bat an eyelid and just said, pretty cool, “OK!” My manager's facial features slipped and, just to be on the safe side, he asked if he had understood correctly.

Mr. Schmidt, the manager of FC B, confirmed that this was correct. My stomach tightened at that moment. 7 million? Is a player who is just 17 years old worth that much?

I felt slightly queasy. What expectations do they have of me? Never before has so much been paid for an American player, especially not for a 17-year-old.

After everything was signed, we said goodbye to each other. I still couldn't quite believe it. Yesterday, the two gentlemen from Munich had been at our house and discussed everything with my mother and me. I got a six-year contract with an annual salary of over a million euros. That seemed pretty excessive to me, and when I realized that it was euros and not dollars, I didn't understand anything anymore.

I didn't really care about the money. I only wanted to play soccer. Money was not really important to me!

In Boston, I earned $2,500 a month and thought that was a lot.

I probably would have played for Munich for €500 a month.

Of course, at the beginning my mother was not at all happy about me going to Europe. With a lot of charm and persuasion from the people of Munich, she finally agreed. A few free flights did the rest.

The other problem was now facing me. Jason! My boyfriend, who I had been with for two months. He just couldn't and wouldn't understand what an opportunity this was for me. Jason is my first boyfriend, my first real boyfriend.

“Jason! Please, understand that this is my chance!”

“Sean! I can't understand it! What's so special about this club that you want to go to Europe? You can play here too, can't you?”

Jason didn't have a clue about soccer, like most Americans.

“Here in the US, we play in front of 2,000 spectators because Americans aren't interested in what sport is number one in the rest of the world. Americans think that baseball, rugby, and basketball are number one. But Jason prefers not to think that way! Soccer is the number one sport played all over the world. And this club that wants me, almost every child outside the United States knows it!”

“What about us?”

That was the question I had dreaded the most. What about us? Jason loved me, I felt that every day we were together, but did I love Jason? I wanted it so much! I like him, sex with him, his naturalness! Do I love him? Would I go to Europe then? No, hardly, right?

Oh shit, that was complicated! What should I answer him? He was waiting for me to answer his question! I didn't know the answer.

After endless minutes of silence, he just left my room.

What should I tell him? That it's over between us? I just couldn't.

When do you love someone so much that you give up your dreams for them? Probably only if that person is one of those dreams?

Jason was definitely not one of my dreams!

Unfortunately!

Jason was my first sexual experience and at the time I thought I loved him. Today I think differently, no, I felt differently! Jason is nice! Uncomplicated, others would call him boring, but at the time he was just there for me! At the time! Just two months ago! At the time! Good heavens!

As if he had already been forgotten! Am I so selfish?

Of course I would miss Jason in Europe. Our conversations, coming out to our parents, which only brought us both closer together.

My mother, who almost collapsed when we told her. Jason wanted to call an ambulance. A glass of water in the face did the trick.

The second one my mother got when I told her that I wanted to go to Europe.

Wanted? No, had to! That was my dream! My life! That's what I trained for, that's why I skipped so many parties. That's why I gave up my first boyfriend. Shit!

To play soccer in front of 80,000 people cheering you on, that's it!

My brain was on a rollercoaster! Jason! Bayern Munich!

My mother drove us to Logan Airport Boston, Jason sitting next to me on the back bench, holding my hand the whole time. I hardly dared to look at him, knowing he was crying. When we arrived at the gate, he stroked my hair and whispered,

“Sean, don't forget me!”

Shit! I bowed my head and had to swallow endlessly. I tried to suppress everything, but at that moment?

“Hey! Shhhh! Stupid! I'll never forget you! I promise you one thing: when we're in the final, you'll come and see me!”

“Really?”

“Yep!”

Alone in the Lufthansa bird, I suddenly felt so very small. In my mind, movie scenes played out, showing a soccer game in which I bombed. The spectators booed me. My teammates looked at me sympathetically, my coach on the sidelines looked angry. Shit! Soccer in the US and Europe, there are class differences!

The flight was very smooth and I soon fell asleep. Time for a snack. Which, by the way, was excellent, since I was in business class.

I spent most of the time sleeping. We then began our descent and I looked out the window for the first time. Sunshine!

No rain? As I had expected?

In the States, I was told so much about life in Germany that I fully expected it to just rain here.

There were people who told me that I would have to salute here before I was even let in.

With mixed feelings, I set out to leave the passport controls behind me. Strangely enough, the police officers greeted me in a super nice way and wished me a nice time in Germany. Quite different from our cops in the States, who were usually just grumpy.

Almost in a trance, I walked on when a boy approached me and spoke to me.

“Are you Sean Kaiser?”

The boy who spoke to me was just, just... Wow! About the same height as me, gray-blue eyes, blonde messy hair sticking out on all sides.

His face was almost too perfect. No pimples, nothing, nothing at all! Shit! Did this guy look good! Do they all look this good here? Oh, man!

He mumbled something about sunglasses and a hat, which I didn't really notice. And welcome! And he was the coach's son!

The coach's son? I was supposed to live with the coach! With him? With this perfect German boy? How could I stand that? Just being near him provoked a hormonal surge in me to unimagined proportions.

What did he say again? I don't know! I must have stuttered something. Reporter, star or something like that? Whatever! I'll follow him wherever he goes!

Following him, I stumbled to a side exit where several uniformed policemen were standing. I was apprehensive about opening the door, but the cops just grinned at me. Where am I that even policemen smile at me?

I made myself comfortable in the back seat of my coach's car. He had just greeted me warmly, beaming with joy, just like those other supposedly oh-so-grungy Germans!

I didn't know what to think of that! And when a grinning trainer's son looked at me, I read only one thing in his face: Welcome! Warm, loving, open and honest, that's what I felt at that moment. I couldn't help but smile back at this perfect German boy. What was his name again? Benjamin! Yes! Benny! Thank you! Benny would become a friend, that much was clear to me at that moment. How far could this friendship go? Until I told him everything? Jason and all that?

What then?

Would he understand?

Or hate me? For being gay?

Was he tolerant?

I decided not to say anything for the time being and to wait and see what he was like.

Although, damn, he was cute!

“Oh my God, I'm supposed to live here?“ That was my first thought when I saw my future home. It was huge, it had to be a mansion, and this property! I was just blown away.

“Come on, I'll show you your room!” Benny called to me.

I didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything, I was way too overwhelmed.

We took the two bags out of the car and I trotted after Benny, just like at the airport.

Pretty stupid! I must have looked like a little kid standing in front of Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, full of anticipation but so intimidated that I couldn't say a word. Benny must think I'm crazy. Shit.

When we arrived on the second floor, he pointed to a door.

“This is your room, right next to mine.”

He opened the door and my eyes popped out. What a place. My room alone had to be almost as big as my mom's and my old one in the States, combined. No one would believe me if I told them over there. Benny went in and put the bags on the bed.

“Oh, there's still a small problem.”

Great, there had to be some catch to it.

“You don't have your own bathroom, but if you want, you're welcome to use mine.”

And what was the problem? I didn't understand.

“Come on, I'll show you!”

So it was duck walk again. Mama duck waddled ahead and the chick behind. At least that's how it seemed to me.

“So the bathroom can only be reached through my room. I hope you don't mind?”

Huh? I should mind? Well, if anyone should mind, it would be him, since I would have to march through his room while he was still asleep. And he certainly looked even cuter when he slept; I just had to imagine it to get weak in the knees. I loved this bathroom on the spot.

These thoughts probably took a moment too long. Benny looked at me questioningly and I blushed. Shit!

“Um, Sean, if you're embarrassed, you're welcome to use the other one in the hallway, but then you'd have to share it with my brother Leif.”

Shit! Messed up! I probably replied a little too quickly:

“No, no, that's perfect!“ And I got even more nervous.

“Sure? If there's anything you don't like, please say so, OK?”

“Yep! No, I don't mind at all, quite the opposite.” Oops! What was I talking about? “So I mean, uh, what I wanted to say, I uh.”

Loss of mother tongue! Shit!

“Yeah??”

Oh my God, he was so cute! He tilted his head slightly to his right shoulder and grinned at me.

“I wanted to say...” Yes, what did I actually want to say? Oh man, those eyes, that grin on his face. ”I'd like to go through your room.”

I heard these words and my brain registered a fraction later what I was saying. Please, someone, make this not come true!

“Then it's okay.” Benny's grin grew wider and wider. What am I supposed to do with that? No kidding? Nothing? He must think I'm nuts. Of course, what else could he think.

“Um, yes, thank you! So I'll go over there and unpack, OK?” Get out of here, just go. Shit, it was so embarrassing here! No, not here! I was the one who was so embarrassed! Benny, on the other hand, was great! The way he reacted? Yes, he was great and so sweet!

It took quite a while before I had stowed all my stuff safely in the new cupboards. My thoughts took on a life of their own, I dreamt of Benny, what would he look like when he sleeps? And when he awakes? And what would he look like naked? I was just dreaming when I felt a hand on my shoulder and jumped like a little schoolgirl who had just been caught dreaming of horses.

“Oh, sorry, didn't mean to scare you.”

Benny was standing behind me, his hand still on my shoulder. Please keep your hand on my shoulder! This touch was driving me crazy.

Unfortunately, it only lasted a few seconds. And again this look and I was supposed to answer something.

“You can't scare me,” I purred to myself. If I keep this up, he really thinks I'm crazy.

“Then it's okay, are you done?”

Oh, shit. He grinned at me again with that indescribably sweet, cute, melancholy, irresistible smile.

“With what?”

“Um, with unpacking, maybe?”

I'm an idiot! Why do I always say such rubbish?

“Yes, I was just somewhere else.”

“I noticed that. And where were you?”

With you!

“Um, I don't know either.”

“Oh, yes.” And that grin again. ”It's OK! It's all still very strange for you. If you need anything, you know where my room is.”

Without me being able to answer, he had already disappeared.

What did he think of me?

At home--- Benjamin Degen

Hmm, that Sean is a strange one. Actually, I thought he liked me. But then that reaction about the bathroom. Okay, he was an American, I put that down to his prudishness. Yanks are just prudish. And what was that now? I just wanted to help him unpack and caught him dreaming. About his girlfriend, whom he had left alone? He didn't even go into that when I asked him. Well, how long had we known each other then? Just a few hours. What could you expect? But hey! I just wanted to help him.

I would like to walk around your room. What was that supposed to mean? Probably he couldn't speak German as well as I thought.

Could he?

I lay down on the bed and dozed off a little.

Dreamt of Sean caressing me, kissing me, talking to me and kissing me again. Hmmm. Of a stupid cow standing in the door and screaming Shit loudly. Sean's girlfriend? I woke up from this loud Shit.

“Shit! Bullshit!”

No, not a dream! Someone was screaming Shit!

From the bathroom!

Still half asleep, I opened the door. Sean, with only a towel around his hips, was hopping from one leg to the other. With both hands he held his cheeks. American rituals to summon rain? I just cackled. Sorry, at the sight of it?

Sean looked at me with a look that should probably kill me. But he didn't.

“Sean? What's wrong?”

“This aftershave stings like hell! How can you use something like that?”

“Why? What did you use?”

He points to the blue Joop! Nightfly Eau de Toilette bottle without the atomizer. And that really stings on freshly shaved skin.

“Sean! This isn't aftershave!”

“Oh!”

I handed him the Nivea Balm, which he then immediately smeared on.

“Phew, that feels good.”

I looked at him and at the same moment we both burst out laughing.

“Sean, you just looked really stupid. Sorry, but that had to come out.”

His laughter died down and he looked at me, annoyed? Serious? Surprised? and said:

“Hmm, yes I know, I just sometimes look like what was the word? Stupid? I'm sorry.”

He said it and disappeared into his room without saying a word.

What was that now? Did I hurt him?

Should I not have laughed? Was he so sensitive?

I put my hands on the sink and looked at myself in the mirror.

Haphazard thoughts hit the outskirts of my brain. Sean grew up in a different culture, so he thought differently from a European.

In a “theocracy” as it is not known here in Europe, where church and state are strictly separated. Unlike in the US.

Where a bare bosom on TV attracts more attention than reports of torture in Iraq or Guantánamo.

In whose media it is spread that there is only one good one (namely the USA) and its allies who allow themselves criticism are scourged as a rogue state. In a country where the Geneva Conventions are not valid and this country takes for itself to be morally a role model. Yes, to be a constitutional state that locks people up without a fair trial and tortures them for years. The free country of the Bush era!

My hands went to the tap, I turned it on and splashed cold water in my face.

And Sean?

Oh shit! Should I run after him every time Mister America superstar had got something in the wrong throat?

No! I didn't feel like it, he should call his stupid trine in the USA!

He could then whine to her.

Boooaaahhrr! I urgently needed a beer and a smoke! No sooner thought than done! Down to the kitchen, beer from the fridge, to the kitchen table and a smoke lit.

“What are you doing?” Sean asked as he came down the stairs.

“I'm having a beer and a smoke.”

“You're not allowed to do that!”

“Says who?”

“The law!”

“Huh? Who?”

“You're not even allowed to smoke and drink beer yet!”

“Yes I am! Here in Germany you can smoke and drink beer from the age of 16!”

“What? You're kidding me, right?”

“Nope, why would I do that? Do you want a beer too?”

“Um, what?”

“Do you want a beer too?”

“Oh man, I think I need to get used to Europe first.”

“Do that, but quickly, you live in Europe now!”

“Yes, I'm trying, but I just realized that Europe and the US are fundamentally different.”

“Yes, maybe the governments, but also the people?”

“Yes, the people too, it's true!”

“How so?”

“Well, Americans like to talk about freedom, you have it!”

“Have I offended you?” I asked Sean.

“How?”

“Well, with the stupid and stuff? If that's the case, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.”

Sean looked at the ground. I had hurt him. That probably meant pulling myself together in the future! Phew! That would be difficult with Sean.

He just said that he wanted to go to bed and sleep. I wished him a good night and that was that.

“Hello, brother! You've probably just ruined your chances, haven't you?” I hadn't even heard Leif come in.

“Don't be annoying!”

“You like him, but you're too scared to tell him!“ Sometimes Leif is brilliant, but only sometimes.

“100 points.”

“And now? Is your American boy going to walk languishingly around your room and you're going to stare at him languishingly, or what?” There are times when I could kill Leif.

“He's not gay anyway, so stop it!”

“I think he's pretty gay, the way he looks at you!”

“Huh?”

“Man Benny, he's into you, that's how it is!”

“Oh, and how do you know that?”

“I'm smart and I have eyes in my head!”

“Since when?” I grinned at Leif, who just shook his head and walked up. Was I so wrong about my brother?

Could Sean really be gay?

Please! He's cute, he's... everything!

Gay soccer player at FC Bayern! I could already see the headline of the tabloid in front of me! The first headline would probably be:

How gay is Sean really? Can a pretty woman help him???

And then they would probably start a call and put the tits of the applicants on the first page! According to the motto:

Look Sean, German tits are so beautiful! DISGUSTING!!!

The Bild newspaper still hasn't shaken off the “glorious” seventies. The language level has remained the same, as has the world view,

which also got stuck in the Middle Ages. It's just boring, intolerant and vulgar! If only you could laugh about it, but no, they're serious!

A noise woke me up the next morning. It sounded a bit like an airport, the typical turbine noise of the jets. After an endless five minutes, I was even able to localize the noise – it was definitely coming from the bathroom. The hair dryer! It shot into my skull. Yes, that must be it. My hands pulled the blanket over my face, it happened automatically. I let out a growl and turned around until I felt eyes on me. Slowly, I blinked out from under the covers and saw Sean grinning in front of my bed.

“Hello sleepyhead!”

“Hi, sleepyhead hater!”

Sean's face now showed a horror that I definitely didn't want.

“What hater? I thought we were friends?”

Without waiting for an answer, he ran out of my room. Shit! Now I was wide awake and jumped out of bed to intercept Sean in the hallway.

I caught his arm and held him tight.

“Wait! I didn't mean it like that, of course we're friends! You misunderstood me, I meant that you woke me up, nothing more.”

His eyes appraised me and his sad eyes became radiant again.

“Yes, I see.”

His head pointed to a region that was in the lower part of my body and I followed it. Before I saw my morning wood, I felt it. Embarrassing! How do you get out of embarrassing situations? Right! Stay cool!

“Oh, my morning wood! I sometimes have that, luckily I'm wearing these shorts,” I grinned back as coolly as possible.

“Wow! You're cool. If I were you, I'd probably have sunk into the ground!”

“Why? It's quite normal, isn't it, or do you never have a morning wood?”

“Um, of course.”

I said and walked away. Me, cool? Sean had got a completely wrong impression of me, and I had to fix it as quickly as possible. But how? No idea!

When I arrived at the breakfast table, I noticed first of all that Leif was talking to Sean and that the two of them seemed to be getting on very well. The second thing I noticed was that we were alone – my dad had already left for the training center. Hmm, that was strange. It usually took Leif ages to deign to befriend someone. This time it seemed to be different with Sean; the two were laughing and joking. I hardly recognized my brother. I must have missed something.

“Hey you two!”

“Hey, you one,” they said in unison.

Conspiracy! That was the first thought that came to my mind. The two had joined forces to pull one over on me. But they hadn't reckoned on the famous Benny the quick-witted. All right, so I just played along for a bit.

“And what are you laughing at?”

“Oh, brother dear, Sean was just telling me how you reacted so coolly to your mola.”

“And?“ I became more nervous by the second.

“Well, I told him how my oh-so-cool big brother reacted when I caught him jerking off.” No sooner had he finished this sentence than Leif leaned back in his chair with relish to watch the show that was about to unfold.

My head (I wanted to, but couldn't do anything about it) turned red. Oh, God! When I think back to it! Just embarrassing. I was in the shower in Hamburg, pampering my pride and joy, when who should burst in on me in the middle of this extremely important session? That's right, my little brother. Once again, I had forgotten to lock the door. Instead of just turning around, my brain clicked off, and I tried to grab a towel.

Which was not so easy, because the hanger was a bit far away. Well, it was wet – supposed to happen in the shower – and that's why I fell flat on my face.

And then I lay on the floor like a crashed ladybug in front of Leif. Do I have to tell you more? I don't think so. Or do I?

Hmm. Leif stood motionless in front of me and then said as he turned to leave: “So, Benny, next time you're jerking off, just let me know so I can get your friends to have a laugh too.” Yes, one of the highlights of my life.

I looked at the two of them, who could hardly stop laughing. Well, so much for the theory. Benjamin Degen would be cool. At least that was settled.

“Yeah! All right now, where's Dad?” Distraction!

Leif looked at me with narrowed eyes and replied, ”Benny, stop hanging around with the guys, it's not like you.”

He was right! That's the worst part of it, I'm not the type for that, I'm much too shy, but did he have to tell Sean like that? And then there was this story that my brain tried to erase by just making me forget it? Although I wanted to make it clear to him how I really am – not the tough guy, but more the shy guy. Leif has accepted it by now.

“Yes, all right! So Sean, I'm not who you think I am. I'm now, um, different! Um, oh, I don't know.”

“Huh?” Sean looked at me with wide eyes and probably didn't understand the world anymore or me.

“Well, Sean,” it was my brother again who took the initiative, ”Benny is the shyest and at the same time the sweetest person you can imagine. Even if he is sometimes very, very strange.”

Leif? Something like that from my brother? That was almost a declaration of love. The boy must have had a fever!

Chapter 2: Benjamin Degen

The week dragged on. Most of the time I was alone, Sean at training, Leif somewhere. But I didn't mind, because it gave me time to properly furnish my room, check out the area a bit, and of course call some friends in Hamburg. And to brood. I wondered what it would be like to have a friend I could be there for. The phone pulled me out of my thoughts and I picked it up. I only heard a lot of mumbling until it occurred to me that it must have been English – with a terrible slang. I understood only half of what the other person was telling me. A friend of Sean's, I understood that much, and that he would like to talk to him. Since Sean is currently at training, I put him off and suggested that he call back later. But since I already had this friend on the line, I asked him a little about Sean. Did he have to leave his girlfriend at home? In response, I heard sobbing. Oops, what's going on here? The other one, his name was Jason, calmed down quickly and said something like that. I felt a bit queasy and wanted to end the conversation when Jason said to me, “Be a good friend to him and quickly hung up.

What was that supposed to mean? ‘Something like that?’ Did he have a girlfriend or not? Or a boyfriend? The longer I thought about it, the clearer it became to me. Jason is his boyfriend – it couldn't be any different. At that moment, everything fell apart inside me. Sean is gay – great! But he's got a boyfriend – shit! Why did this have to happen to me? But what could I do about it? Nothing! And on the other hand, I finally had someone to talk to. Someone who felt the same way I did. All of a sudden, I felt better and decided to go to the training ground.

Once there, I rode my bike straight to the training ground, which earned me a scolding from the onlookers watching from the fence. The security guard recognized me and immediately opened the gate for me, and the crowd fell silent with curious looks. They probably thought I was a new player here for a trial training session. The team was just about to leave the building. Daniel and Sean spotted me and trotted over to me.

“Our mascot is showing his face again!”

Daniel was the one who said that. Sean looked at us irritated.

“Did I miss something now? Why mascot?”

“Hm, right! You hadn't been there yet when the coach introduced us to his son. So Sean, the little one there is our mascot.”

“Oh.“ Sean looked more and more bewildered and didn't understand anything anymore – I couldn't help grinning.

“And Benny, what brings you here? Did you come to pick me up from training?” Daniel grinned at me.

“Um, actually I came to pick up Seani.”

“Seani?” Daniel raised one eyebrow and, as he stood there, looked like he was competing with Mr. Spock. He then continued, ‘What a shame, and I thought you came for me?”

“For what? You have a girlfriend who will surely take you up in a moment.”

“Boahh, stop it!’ Daniel made a dismissive hand gesture and jogged off.

I turned to Seani.

“What's up with him?”

“I guess he's tired of his girlfriend – she's probably being pretty annoying.”

“Who wants a girlfriend?”

Seani froze and looked at me thoughtfully.

“How long have you been calling me Seani?”

Well, actually I didn't mean to, it just slipped out after Jason kept calling Sean that on the phone.

I lowered my head and whispered, “Jason.”

Panic! That's probably the most appropriate word to describe Sean's facial expression.

“You know Jason? How?”

“He called earlier and wanted to talk to you and, well, we just started talking.”

“And what did you talk about?”

“About you!”

“Yes, I know, but what exactly?”

The little one was getting more and more nervous and I would have liked to have held him, just as he was standing there now, totally sweaty and infinitely helpless.

What should I say to him? The assumption I had? I tried another way.

“Relationship?”

Sean Kaiser (a few hours ago)

My alarm clock rang and I went over to Benny's room to get into the bathroom. Quietly, I opened the door and saw Benny lying in bed, fast asleep. What a sight! His cute tousled head was on the pillow, the duvet pulled up to his nose. I just couldn't take my eyes off him and in an automatic reaction I kissed him on the forehead. I just had to. Benny moved his head and mumbled my name in his sleep. I was slightly startled, thinking he had felt something and woke up from it. I didn't dare move, or even breathe. Relieved, I saw that he would probably still sleep until he started mumbling again. So he talks in his sleep – how cute! I could hardly understand what he was saying, as he had a heavy Hamburg slang on it. Especially at that moment. I understood only fragments of what he mumbled: Sean, kiss m., yuck... love, please, so much and the rest was undefinable grumbling. But what I had heard was enough to trigger a wave of jubilant thoughts in me. Still in the shower, I came up with the most fantastic things I would do with Benny. Would I let him fidget until he came to me on his own? Or would I just walk up to him and kiss him passionately on the mouth, just to see his bewildered expression? I had so many options open to me, but the best thing was that Benny had a crush on me. I felt like I was on cloud nine, it was incredible! In a good mood, I finished showering and blow-drying my hair and entered Benny's room again. He was now awake.

“Hello, sleepyhead!” I greeted him.

“Hello, enemy of sleepyheads!” I got again. Sssnnnooosch! From the cloud into the deepest crater and all within a second. I didn't understand it and said to Benny:

“How enemy? I thought we were friends?”

Just get out of here! I almost ran out into the hallway, but Benny was faster and grabbed me by the arm.

“Wait! I didn't mean it like that, of course we're friends! You misunderstood me, I was just referring to you waking me up, nothing more.”

While I kept my head bowed the whole time, I saw his boner, which couldn't be missed in his shorts. And I just had to grin.

“Yes! I see!“ And pointed to his shorts. I think that if I had been in his situation, I would have been a bit embarrassed. But Benny?

“Oh, my morning wood! I sometimes have it, luckily I'm wearing these shorts,” he just grinned at me coolly.

“Wow! You're cool. I'd probably have sunk into the ground in your place!”

“Why? It's quite normal, isn't it? Don't you ever have a morning wood?”

“Um, of course I do.”

Once we had settled that, I went downstairs to eat breakfast. Leif was already sitting at the table and greeted me.

I've got along very well with Leif so far. We didn't see each other that often, but when we did, we always had a lot of fun. I know from Benny that Leif is quite a loner, but I couldn't really believe that. He was way too relaxed with me for that. We fooled around a lot and Leif was basically much more relaxed than his brother. Although I now knew why Benny sometimes seemed a bit uptight. And why not talk to Leif about it?

“Say, Leif, could it be that Benny's gay?”

Leif looked at me with wide eyes.

“You figured that out so quickly? Not bad!”

“Well, not exactly, but your brother talks in his sleep!”

Leif spurted the milk he had just drunk over half the table.

“It was bound to happen that he would blurt it out in his sleep. Awesome!” Leif now became more serious and looked at me thoughtfully before speaking, ”And what about you? You fell in love with Benny, didn't you?”

“Yes, I did! If only he wasn't so damn cool!”

“Who? My brother? Well, I think I have to tell you a story about that!”

Leif then told me the story of how he caught Benny jerking off and then Benny slipped and was lying in front of him. We doubled over with laughter and just then Benny burst into the kitchen.

“What are you laughing at?”

“Oh, brother, Sean was just telling me how you reacted so cool to your mola.”

“And?“ You could really see how Benny was getting more and more nervous.

“Well, then I told him how my oh-so-cool big brother reacted when I caught him jerking off.” No sooner had he finished this sentence than Leif leaned back in his chair with relish to watch the spectacle that was about to unfold.

You could be nasty to Leif. I had to pull myself together hard not to laugh. But this sight was just too funny. You could really count the seconds in which Benny became more and more restless and nervous. The poor guy! It was still funny.

“Yes, all right! Look, Sean, I'm not who you think I am. I'm different now! Um, oh, I don't know.”

“Huh?” Now I was the one who was surprised. What was this, a coming out in front of me or what?

“Well, Sean,” it was Leif again who took the initiative, ”Benny is the shyest person and at the same time the kindest person you can imagine. Even if he is sometimes very, very strange.”

I grinned quietly to myself and just thought that I already knew what kind of strange person Benny is.

The morning training always started at 10 a.m. and lasted 1 1/2 hours. Most mornings, only fitness training was on the agenda. So, stretching first and then jumping and running exercises, mostly with the ball. One of the first differences to the training I had in the States was that here they really only worked with the ball. In the past, there was often monotonous training, but here the exercises were constantly changing. For example, the good old wheelbarrow that everyone knows. In the past, it was boring up and down hopping, but here poles were set up and each wheelbarrow had a ball in front of it, which it then had to maneuver around these poles in a slalom. This served to improve coordination and team spirit, because the person behind had to steer the person in front by holding their legs. At the beginning it was hard for me, because I first had to get used to the workload, but in the meantime it worked. Also thanks to the team, who had welcomed me very openly. With one or two players there was trouble at the beginning because they were afraid for their starting place. They fouled me harder than necessary when tackling.

I then gave it back to them and they quickly realized that I wouldn't put up with that kind of thing. That was it, with the rest of the team there were and are no problems. Of course, you get along better with some than with others, but that's normal with 26 different guys.

I somehow got on well with Daniel Berg straight away. He's a really nice person who you just have to get along with. He's always in a good mood and up for a laugh.

Between the two training sessions, there was lunch and massages or recovery in the fatigue pool, which I always enjoyed, not only because Daniel usually sat next to me.

The afternoon training then usually consisted of tactical things like moves, set pieces, defensive behavior, training games and so on. After the cool down, training was usually over by 4 p.m.

I was just running when Daniel, next to me, and we heard a murmur from the onlookers. We both turned to see what was going on, and there was Benny riding his bike onto the training ground. Strange! That was the first time I saw him here at all and I already thought that he just wouldn't be interested in football. I found it even stranger that Daniel knew him, because as soon as he saw him, he ran over to him beaming with joy. It was Daniel who reached Benny first. I just heard him call him a mascot. I understood less and less and must have looked like I didn't understand because the two explained what it was about.

“And Benny, what brings you here? Did you want to pick me up from training?” Daniel said to Benny.

“Um, actually I wanted to pick up Seani.”

Seani? Only Jason ever called me that, and I felt a slight dizzy spell coming on.

“Seani?” Daniel's eyebrow went up and wondered about this address until he continued, ‘It's a shame and I thought you were coming for me.”

“What for? You have a girlfriend who will take you away in a second.”

“Boahh, just stop it!’ Daniel made a dismissive hand gesture and jogged away from us.

Benny turned to me and asked,

“What's up with him?”

“He's probably tired of his girlfriend – she's probably getting on his nerves.“ I'd known for a while that Daniel was having trouble with his Tussnella; she was probably taking up so much of his time that he hardly had any left for other things.

“Who wants a girlfriend?” Benny replied. I almost choked on my own spit.

“Since when do you call me Seani?”

Actually, my question should sound quite inconsequential but the answer was quite something.

Very quietly, almost whispering, Benny replied: “Jason.”

Kaawwwuuummm! It hit me and almost knocked me off my feet. Shit! How did he know Jason? And did Benny now think that I was still together with Jason? It sent a cold shiver down my spine.

“You know Jason? How?”

“He called earlier and wanted to talk to you and well, we just started talking.”

“And what did you talk about?”

“About you!”

“Yeah, I know, but what exactly?”

I just had to know everything! Now that I know that Benny is gay, I didn't want to lose him because of such bullshit.

“Relationship?”

“I'm not with Jason anymore!” It came out of my mouth like a shot from a pistol.

Benny grinned from ear to ear. That ass! He didn't know anything and tried to draw me out like that. Yes, I knew something already, I already knew that Benny was gay, but not from me, did he?

“You little bitch!” I shouted and threw myself on him to tickle him.

“Stop, please, have mercy!”

He squealed miserably a few times until I let him go.

“Well, tickled enough by the master?”

I then helped him up while he provocatively smelled my jersey and grimaced in disgust.

“Boa ey, you stink like a whole herd of sheep!”

So I took him in a headlock. Benny gasped and laughed at the same time.

After we calmed down a bit, we both lay on the floor next to each other.

“Duuu?” came from Benny.

“Hmm?”

“Have you been together for long? You and Jason?”

“No, just a few weeks and then Europe happened.”

I knew that Benny wouldn't give up, so I told him the whole story with Jason.

Thoughtfully, he looked at me and then finally said:

“It must be pretty shitty for Jason, the whole situation.”

“It wasn't exactly easy for me either.”

“But it didn't sound like that.”

“How should it sound? Should I walk around here crying all day?”

“No, that's not what I meant! Was it not the greatest love either?”

Was it love at all? What is love? Can you feel it when you've fallen in love? I had no idea. Did I love Benny?

I just knew that I liked being with him and that I missed him when he wasn't around. Was that love?

We lay there in silence for a while, I knew that I didn't have to answer his question, sometimes silence means more than any spoken word.

Saturday – barbecue evening Benjamin Degen

The evening was a great success. The players came with their wives or girlfriends and were really relaxed for a change.

Daniel came alone, which didn't really surprise me, and so the three of us usually sat together. He told us about his relationship and what went wrong. I was a little surprised how casually he could talk about it.

“Women are so shitty, first they act like they want to go to bed with you three times a day and then they have a headache and prefer to go shopping, of course at our expense, and in the evening they even grumble when you want to go out alone, brrr. I'll just say one thing: keep your hands off those creatures.”

“My words.”

“And you, Benny, don't have an opinion at all, do you?”

I grinned nastily to myself and shook my head with laughter.

“Hmm, nope!”

“Oh man, another womanizer.”

“Nah, probably the opposite.” Daniel just looked at me questioningly and I almost burst with laughter.

While I was still giggling, the two were talking about soccer, which didn't interest me at the moment. A little tipsy from the alcohol, I said goodbye to the two of them and went to bed.

I couldn't fall asleep right away, which is more the rule than the exception for me, since I'm basically quite a daydreamer, and then I start spinning stories that have nothing in common with reality.

I dreamt that I felt Sean's hand on my stomach, gently stroking the hairline just below my belly button, and I got goosebumps and Sean whispered something in my ear that I couldn't understand. Why couldn't I understand it, after all it was my brain that came up with it, wasn't it? Hmm, strange. I must have fallen asleep after all, and now I tried to wake up, which I then managed to do.

Still completely drowsy, I felt a real body behind me, entwining me and holding me tight with its arms. What was going on here? Now wide awake, I turned to this real person, to finally look into the two cutest eyes in this universe, Sean's. I was about to say something when he put his fingers on my mouth and told me to shut up. I just enjoyed what happened next, my first sex with another human. Damn, what a fuss I had made about it before: What if I was too clumsy? What if my dick was too small or too big for him? What if I was too thin or too fat for him? What if he wanted to do things to me that I wasn't ready for? What if a piece of frozen shit from an airplane hit us? Is it because I'm from northern Germany and therefore always worry so much, as we are often accused of? No idea, that night I must have switched to southern European and just let myself go. It was beautiful, I oriented myself to Sean, we laughed, we were just horny for each other, without a brain, everything switched off, we surrendered to our urges.

The next morning, or was it already noon? I had completely lost my sense of time. We picked up where we left off during the night, only this time we were decidedly slower, more tender, more overwhelming, the initial curiosity was satisfied – what followed was the free program. We blew each other in the “69” position and both came at the same time, which triggered an incredible feeling of togetherness in me. Yes, Sean and I were a couple! Everything else was insignificant, only we mattered, only we are important, our relationship!

How wrong I was at that time, I didn't know yet.

We spent the day at the Isar like two teenage lovers, which we were, more fiddling with each other than looking at the area, we went for a walk, always thinking about the fact that we would be separated for a week from tomorrow because of the training camp.

Sean slept in my room that night, too. My dad, who wanted to wake Sean that morning, found an empty room and ran straight to mine to give me the message. He opened my door, saw us cuddled up together, walked backwards out, not without saying his piece:

“Sean, when my son lets you go, I expect you at the breakfast table – the plane won't wait!” My door closed almost silently.

“And, son of my trainer, can you let go of me?”

“Never!”

“Hmm, then I'll get fired and you'll have to support me.”

“If you then do the housework?” I was still able to ward off the first pillow that was to hit me. ‘Former soccer star spotted taking out the trash.’ The second pillow then hit me squarely.

We fooled around at the table for quite a while until it was time: the FC Bayern pick-up service was at the door, I helped the two of them stow the bags and said goodbye to my dad, only to then kiss my new, and first, friend goodbye. Shit, that already hurt, even though he hadn't even left yet. I didn't want to! Not now! I needed Sean! Garbage! My brother, who was standing next to me with a knowing smile, then said:

“Well, did you and Sean finally work it out?”

“What? Um, yes, why?”

“Nothing, it took long enough.”

“Pardon?”

“You're just a bit ditzy sometimes, but otherwise quite okay.”

“Oh, thanks.” Is that supposed to be my brother? The super shy one I once knew? I no longer understood the world. Shit, my hormones or whatever else is responsible for this, were entering a dangerous phase. Please don't cry in front of my little brother! I turned away from him so that he couldn't see my tears and stomped back into the house, alone. Shit! What was I doing here alone? Without Sean?