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Jordan
Film posters hung on the wall above a small bed. Pills lay scattered on the beer crate that served as a bedside table. Next to it was a terrarium illuminated by a red light. A small armchair was the only piece of furniture that was still new and unadorned. Everything else was covered with motto stickers, and it seemed as if they were holding the old cupboard and the shelf next to the window together rather than just decorating them. The room was only medium-sized, but despite the dark furniture and the sparse light, which came not only from the red light but also from a few candles standing on the floor next to the bed, it looked somehow inviting. In the middle of the room was a punching bag over which clothes were hanging to dry and there were dumbbells scattered everywhere, which could quickly become a tripping hazard for unwanted visitors. The parquet floor had black stripes, like in a gym. In the corner of the room where the closet was, there was a small TV. There were two doors, one to the hallway and one to a separate small bathroom.
At 3 o'clock in the morning, the only sounds coming from the apartment always came from there. A young man in a leather jacket and jeans was hanging over the toilet bowl (that was me) and the room was filled with the smell of alcohol and vomit. Someone rattled at the locked room door. After a while, I flushed the toilet. As soon as I unlocked the door to the room, I fell over and remained lying on the floor, twitching.
I found myself in the hospital again, for the second time this month. But this time it was really bad. I almost died. The paramedics had notified the police. A cop told me that a variety of “illegal substances” had been found in my room. My drug screening also showed a variety of active ingredients.
I celebrated my 19th birthday in a detoxification center. During the next few months, none of my friends were allowed to see me. And not my girlfriends either. Neither Conny, nor Sandy or Kicky and Nelly.
After 9 months, I was only addicted to tobacco and caffeine, which no one thought was a problem anymore. And so I returned to the room, but the bedside table was now made of real wood and the pills on it had disappeared. The room seemed brighter and healthier in other ways, too. The rickety shelf with the stickers had been replaced by a new one made of light-colored wood. The compartments were almost empty. No wonder, since the shelf had primarily served as storage space. Everything had been searched and the “illegal substances” removed. The room now seemed friendly, well-kept, healthy. Everything was going to be different.
There I was, sitting in a strange room that used to be mine. I felt as if I had been given a new body to go with it. No tremors, no headaches, I felt almost too good. I would go back to school the next week. New school, same level. The final year. Not an ideal time to make friends...
I wanted to show my mom that I had changed and make her proud for a change. So I went to school five days a week, came home right after, did homework, studied enough for the tests to get my D's, and stayed out of trouble. My old friends had soon forgotten me and my new classmates ostracized me, or I them. As a consolation, my mother, who had been barely 15 when she got pregnant and raised me alone, bought me a stereo that she could hardly have afforded from her secretary salary. So she introduced me to Klaus, her new boyfriend (and financier, as I added in my mind). He was a tax consultant at the law firm where she worked.
“Jordan, I hope you understand me. I've been alone long enough.”
I said I had always been there for her. She replied:
“You were never there, not really. You were always high and I was alone with you.”
A loud argument followed, doors slammed. Suddenly I was standing outside in the stairwell. My mother shouted after me:
“It's Saturday night. Go find yourself a girlfriend. There are plenty of pretty girls in your new class.”
I ran down the stairs and stood on the street. For a moment I wondered if I should visit my old friends just to spite my mother. But then I remembered that there was something like a class party today at the Zen Bar, my former favorite bar, now, with a new tenant, just as clean as I am. The perfect place for a fresh start with new people.
After two coffees in the local bar (the therapist had mentioned something about substitute drugs...), it was half past ten, actually still a bit early for the Zen Bar, but I suspected that my classmates would leave for home around noon at the latest.
So there I was, nervously standing at the entrance to my old local bar. I felt really stupid. The bouncer was still the same. At first he eyed me suspiciously, but then he waved me over to him, past the queue, which hadn't been that long before.
“Hey Jordan, listen: this is a clean place now. You know I like you, so you can come in, but nothing's for sale, got it? It's crawling with plainclothes cops anyway.”
I briefly considered telling him my tale of woe, but then just nodded and went inside.
Sean
The summer vacation before my last year of high school was really weird. My girlfriend at the time, Sara, had been with her grandparents in Boston for four weeks. After that, she came back and seemed even stranger to me than before. We had been together for almost three years, but more than half of that time I was thinking about the best way to break up with her. We just didn't have anything in common anymore. Nevertheless, we were always together and arguing. This was mainly because we happened to share the same circle of friends. I was almost glad when the vacation was over and I finally had something else to do besides deal with this constant drama. And I had decided to meet new people.
It was difficult when you've been in the same class as the same people for years. But fate was kind to me, because there was a new guy, Jordan. He was quite quiet, which didn't really suit him, because he looked more like someone who had been around a lot. The girls were always whispering about him. I had to admit that he was quite good-looking. But for the time being he didn't appear anywhere outside of school. My clique usually spent Friday and Saturday nights in the Zen Bar, which the uncle of a friend had leased and remodeled. So there we sat, I usually got drunk with Sara, that was the only thing we didn't fight about, and then I snuck upstairs to my room at home. If my father had found out about it, it would have ended very badly. He only let me go to a bar at all because he knew Susi's uncle. He had worked for him in the management of the company for 20 years. A large textile company that my father, according to him, had built up all by himself. Did the poorly paid assembly line workers see it that way too?
I, as the only son, already had a desk in the company. Assistant to the management. Future head of the company. Over my dead body. I hadn't worked my ass off at school just to go to a private business school and then make a career as a boss's son! I just didn't really know how to tell my parents and at the same time make sure that they would finance my medical studies.
I complained to everyone at a certain level of alcohol. Extremely embarrassing.
Jordan
The light was dim, but you could see everything well. In the past, there was only black light and a few neon signs so that you could also find the veins. The music style had also changed quite a bit. What used to be gothic and heavy metal was suddenly the charts. So, to the sounds of the latest Britney Spears song, I pushed my way in jeans and leather jacket between teenagers who almost freaked out at the first notes of the sticky-sweet ballad. Just as I was about to choose a cocktail from the “extra strong” category at the bar (vodka and scotch were no longer on the menu), I heard a familiar voice.
“A Virgin Colada, please.”
Susi, the class representative, a walking cliché. Daughter of a good family, riding champion, involved in all extracurricular activities, head girl and, of course, dating the captain of the swim team – an absolute Neanderthal who couldn't be far away. I changed my mind. I had to get out of there.
“Jason!”
“Jordan.”
“Yes, of course. Well, what are you doing here? I've never seen you in the Zen Bar!”
“No, I just wanted to stop by because there's a new tenant here.”
“Yes, my uncle. It used to be a kind of dive for junkies. But my uncle has cleaned it up. Won't you join us? A few people from class are still here.”
She took me by the arm and dragged me to a newly built sofa corner, where about ten curious pairs of eyes were directed at me. There actually sat the most visually appealing girls in my class. The only disturbing thing was that there were also three guys sitting there, all of whom had already made a good choice.
Willie, the most unpleasant of them all, was a real lout. He had hooked up with Tanja, who in my opinion always looked too uptight anyway. Sean, who was always sitting in the front row, but otherwise seemed to be okay, was apparently going out with the pretty Sara, and Alex and Susi were the ultimate dream couple anyway. They were always the prom king and queen, that's for sure. Well, there were still others to choose from.
“Hey guys, look who I found! So Jordan, just in case you're still having trouble with the names, these are Hannah, Lisa, Tanja, Willie, Sara, Sean, Linda, Mary and, of course, my Alex.”
And “her Alex” pulled her right onto his lap to make his ownership clear. So I preferred the other end of the couch and sat down next to Hannah, a pretty tall girl with dark curls and great lips, who I had already noticed. We talked for a while about school, teachers, math, sports... because it turned out that she boxed and about everything else we could think of. There were sometimes awkward pauses, but soon we had a superficial topic to chat about again. Just as I was about to play my repertoire of advances, Lisa interrupted us.
“It's a quarter to twelve! We have to go.”
And so the two of them said goodbye. Now I was suddenly sitting next to Tanja and Willie, who only had eyes for each other. So I decided to have another nightcap at the bar and then go home. I said goodbye politely to the two dream couples, who were still on the couch but didn't pay any attention to me.
At the bar, I witnessed a disaster.
Sara and Sean, apparently the black sheep of the group, were fairly tipsy and while trying to drink a toast, Sara's drink, which had apparently previously been given an alcoholic note from a flask, landed on Sean's trousers. This resulted in wild insults and then a panic attack. Bang came over and politely asked the two of them to leave.
I decided to follow the matter, as it seemed more amusing than a nightcap.
Outside the door, the blame game continued, along with pleas and entreaties.
“Sara, I can't go home like this! I'll just sleep on your couch!”
“How old is this guy, I thought to myself, that he's afraid of mommy because of a drink on his pants... .
“But I can't take you home smelling like that either. What would my parents think?”
“How about you stay at my place?”
For a brief moment, I wasn't sure if I had actually just said that.
“Would that really be okay? That would be great! I just have to call home quickly.”
“It's midnight. Do you really want to call then?”
“Yeah, yeah, it'll be fine. The maid will probably still pick up...”
The maid, of course. Sara couldn't wait to get out of there.
“Well, I'm going now. See you Monday!”
“Yeah, yeah, where's the nearest phone booth? Oh, over there. I'll be right back. Will you wait here?”
I watched Sean as he gesticulated wildly in the phone box and after a few minutes came back with an indifferent expression.
“Okay, which way?”
“This way, it's not far.”
“I really appreciate this. Otherwise I wouldn't have known where to go.”
“It's okay, no problem.
When we were standing in front of the apartment door, I gave final instructions.
“My mom's sleeping, so keep it down. You get the bed, I get the couch. My stuff is my stuff and you keep your hands off it, got it?”
I quietly turned the key and showed Sean the way through the living room to my room.
“You only have a two-seater couch. You can't sleep on that.”
“Oh, it's fine...”
“No, that's out of the question. Either I take the couch or we share the bed. It's big enough. Or is that uncomfortable for you?”
“No, I... what a bummer. All right, then we'll just share the bed.”
In my room, Sean started to undress. I hung his wet clothes over the punching bag and looked for clothes in my closet that he could wear the next day at home. When I came out of the bathroom, Sean was already under the covers. The sight of him made me laugh briefly.
“What?”
“Oh, nothing. I've just slept with a lot of people in this bed, but none of them looked at me with such anticipation as you just did.”
“Show-off!”
When I lay down, Sean realized that the bed wasn't as big as it looked. I offered again to go on the couch. But he didn't want to hear about it. Sean couldn't sleep for a long time and so we talked about all kinds of things.
His father owns a large textile factory, he has been with Sara for almost three years, he is top of his class....
He only talks about good things. But his voice sounds depressed and sometimes even sad. When he talks about his father's strict ban on alcohol and how rigorously he enforces it, it is clear to me why he could no longer go home. He says that he would like to study medicine, but that his father already sees him as his successor in the company. In the twilight, I think I see tears on his cheek. Sean turns around and I soon fall asleep.
I woke up shortly after noon. Sean was no longer in bed or in the bathroom. He was already gone. It was a strange night. A guy I barely knew had poured out his heart to me. That didn't happen to me often. Most of the time, people left me alone with their problems and I left them alone with theirs. But I couldn't hold that against Sean.
I went into the kitchen. My mother and her Klaus were already sitting at the lunch table.
“Well, did you have a visitor last night?”
“Oh, a friend couldn't go home, so I told him he could crash at my place.”
“Oh, a friend... that's okay. We thought...”
“Oh, please spare me that!”
Sean
A few weeks after school started, it was a normal Saturday evening at Zen, and Susi actually dragged this Jordan along. I was in the middle of a heated debate with Sara, I can't even remember what it was about. Jordan joined Hannah. If he didn't break his teeth there. At some point Sara and I did what we did best. We reconciled over a cocktail. Well, it ended up on my pants. During the subsequent quarrel, in which it was said that it was all Sara's fault and that she should kindly take me home, since I could hardly show up at my parents' house like that, we were even asked to leave the restaurant. Great. I could already see myself spending the night on some park bench. Sara probably didn't want to take me home just because she was running out of arguments for why she still didn't want to sleep with me after three years. If she had at least told me straight out what was going on, instead of constantly leading me on... but at the moment I had other concerns.
Just when Sara even refused to let me use her couch, this Jordan suddenly turned up and offered me a place to sleep. Perfect. Without thinking twice, I told my parents (I claimed that Willie had once again had one too many drinks and that I had to stay with him, which they readily believed given his history), and I set off with Jordan to his apartment. Luckily, it wasn't far away, because I was starting to feel the effects of how much I had drunk. Jordan didn't say much. He just warned me to keep my hands off his stuff and to be quiet. I was supposed to sleep in his bed, he wanted to take the couch. But it was only a two-seater sofa and I didn't even want to sleep yet, so I convinced him that we could share the bed. He made a comment about how many people he had slept with in this bed. Please, if his ego needed it. The bed wasn't that big, and Jordan offered again that if I felt uncomfortable, he could still take the couch. But I think he was the one who felt uncomfortable about it, but he didn't want to admit it.
It didn't take long for poor Jordan to hear my tale of woe. But he didn't react at all as I would have expected him to. He really listened for hours and looked at me sympathetically. At some point, I was embarrassedly moved to tears. I didn't know if he had noticed. I turned around and pretended to be asleep. I got up around eight, put on the pants that Jordan had laid out for me and stole out of the apartment, not without looking back again. It wasn't big and the furniture wasn't the newest either. You couldn't see any photos on the walls, I couldn't get a picture at all.
Jordan
On Monday at school, I was suddenly no longer the freaky outsider. Everyone had heard about my heroic deed after the Zen bar. And Sean did his best not to describe the apartment where he had spent the night. Everyone was suddenly interested in me and I was even invited to a private party the following weekend. The opportunity to talk to Sean alone to find out if he had actually cried wouldn't have arisen even if I had been so Samaritan as to inquire about his well-being. But for some reason, I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I spent the rest of the week catching up on school gossip. Who had kissed who and when, and who had broken up with who because of who? Susi knew everything about these things and was happy to share her knowledge.
Then came Friday evening, the day of the private party in a huge house with an endlessly long driveway and a foyer the size of our entire apartment. The party took place in the specially converted basement. Even the basement was bigger and better furnished than the apartment of an average citizen. Hannah was there too. During the week, I had often sought out a conversation with her. I really liked her. I was already picturing the night together. But then Susi told me that Hannah had a boyfriend who went to a different school. Personally, that wouldn't have bothered me, but unfortunately this mysterious friend had announced his arrival for that evening. It was clear to me that I would have to scrap my plans, at least for that evening.
Therefore, from about eleven o'clock, my attention was mainly focused on the fruit punch. And Sean was also on the verge of needing a place to stay for the night. He talked like a waterfall when he didn't have Sara's tongue stuck in his throat.
Occasionally, I wondered which of my dear comrades might live in this mansion. Susi was acting like a real hostess, but did that mean anything?
By half past one, the party cellar had emptied and only five people remained:
Hannah and the big stranger were canoodling in a corner of the couch, Sean and Sara were canoodling on the pool table, and I was on the floor with a bottle of Martini.
Something suddenly tugged at my shoulder. I tried to shake it off, but it was more persistent than a bee at a strawberry cake.
“Hey man, wake up. It's freezing here. Come on, wake up...”
“Huh, what?”
When I opened my eyes, Sean's face was close to mine. So close that I recoiled in fright and spilled the good martini over the floor.
“Come on. I carried Sara to my sisters' room and Hannah and Steven snuck into my parents' bed. You get the couch in the living room, if it's still available. I can't drag anyone else up to the first floor.”
“What? Wait, okay? This is your house? Wow, ... this is fancy. I guess I'll put the silverware back where I found it.”
“Oh yes, you better do that. Otherwise you'll have to spend the night in the doghouse. Now come on. Can you stand up?”
Somehow my feet were as heavy as lead and the room just didn't want to stop spinning. Sean dragged me up the stairs to the living room, where we found that the couch was already occupied by a guy neither of us knew. So poor Sean had to take me up one more floor to his bedroom. His bed was significantly bigger than mine. I jumped right in and secured the side by the door. He seemed amused, undressed and got a sleep shirt out of the closet.
“So, I guess this would be our second night together.”
“Well, consider yourself honored, it's not that often that I spend the night with the same person twice.”
“Show-off!”
Sean smiled at me, climbed into bed and pulled the blanket out from under me with a jerk.
“I had imagined the night differently. I thought today would finally be the day. Sara and I, we actually wanted to... today.”
“What, you've never slept together? I thought you've been together forever?”
“Yeah, well... but somehow Sara always finds a good reason to wait a little longer. Or she just falls asleep on the pool table, like tonight. Don't grin like that, I'm slowly not finding it funny anymore.”
“I'm sorry. But to be honest, I had other plans for tonight, too. Then this guy showed up... Steven?”
“You don't mean with Hannah? She's... out of reach. Steven treats her like a piece of dirt, and yet she's been after him for almost a year. No one else has a chance with her, and certainly not a freak like you.”
He grinned broadly.
“What did you just call me?”
“Freak!”
“Just you wait, you won't say that again!”
“Freak, freak, freak, f... .”
I took a pillow and hit Sean over the head with it. He pounced on me and we rolled to the other side of the bed. My T-shirt had slipped and revealed the sun tattoo on my shoulder.
“Wow, you have a tattoo? Cool!”
“I've got more... .”
“Really? Where?”
“Well, that's the freak's secret.”
“Oh well, I'll just have to find out for myself then.”
In the next second, Sean had already torn my shirt off and discovered my second tattoo around my belly button.
“Man, you really like suns, huh?”
“Yes, but don't ask me why. It started when I was a little kid. By the way, I have a third one on my backside.”
I saw Sean pondering for a split second whether this was an offer. He quickly came up with another topic of conversation.
“Hey, the gang is meeting again tonight at the Zen Bar. You're coming, right?”
“Yeah, sure, if I'm allowed. I get the feeling some of you can't stand me.”
I took off my jeans and dropped them on the floor next to the bed.
“Oh, nonsense! It's just weird because we've all known each other forever. You just came into the class. You have to give them some time to get used to you. God, I couldn't imagine being the new kid. I mean, that must be hard. Say, I don't even know where you're from. You know so much about me, tell me something about you!”
Sean looked at me expectantly. For a brief moment, I wondered whether I should feign sleep. Sean would not be so easily shaken off. But I couldn't just tell him that I was a heroin addict, exactly the kind that the gang constantly blasphemed about, and that I had spent the last nine months in a detox clinic. And so I told him something about a small town 50 km north, where I went to school until my mom got another job here, blablabla. I could see how Sean imagined an ideal world that could exist parallel to his.
I blamed myself for not telling him the truth. I thought he was really nice. We talked about everything for a long time.
Sean had had his first time with a maid who was fired as a result. He was the only son of the house. His two sisters had studied law and were lawyers. Last December, he became an uncle. Sean was supposed to take over the textile company one day and his father wanted to run for mayor. Sean's father was never satisfied with his son's performance. For threes, there were sometimes even beatings. Sean didn't mind that much, his report card was almost all A's anyway. Only music wasn't his strong suit. In the fall he would go to a private university here and study business. His life was already totally planned out. His parents had even made wedding plans for him and Sara. “The social event of the year.”
This time I saw clearly how the tears welled up in his eyes.
“I like Sara, but we're still so damn young. What's the point of this shit? And I want to study medicine, not run a textile company! But my parents don't want to understand that.”
It really hurt me to see him cry. He was such a nice guy, smart and ambitious, I admired that. I took him in my arms and hugged him. I wanted to tell him everything about myself. It was terrible that he opened his heart to me and I had just lied to him about my past. I held him tight and wanted to comfort and protect him. I wanted to kiss him.
When I realized this thought, I quickly let Sean go again. He looked at me with glassy eyes, distraught.
“Sorry.”
I didn't know what I was apologizing for myself, but apparently he knew.
“It's okay, I'm the one who should apologize. I'm blubbering all over you again. I'm sorry. Can you just hold me again?”
He looked so fragile. I put my arm around his neck again and pulled him to me. His hair smelled so good. I was aware that I was drunk, just like he was. And one of my few principles is not to make any momentous decisions when I'm drunk. But I sensed that such a decision was about to be made right now. Sean raised his head and looked at me with his tear-stained eyes. I made the decision to kiss him and could hardly believe it myself. Slowly, I pushed my face close to his. I tilted my head and was fully expecting to be slapped in the face. Instead, I felt his lips on mine. They were soft and tasted of fruit punch. I felt his tongue searching for mine. He had discovered my tongue piercing and seemed to like it.
I kissed his whole face, which tasted salty from tears.
Sean leaned back against his pillow and pulled me close.
I felt my shorts tighten and pulled his T-shirt over his head. His skin was soft and fair. Fine blonde hairs were spread across his chest.
I kissed every square inch of his neck and slid my hand into his pants. He let out a short moan. His fingers dug into my back and then traveled lower until they pushed my shorts down. I did the same to him and then we lay completely naked on top of each other. Sean pressed himself tightly against me. I couldn't stop kissing his neck. He tasted of salt and sweet cologne.
Tears were still running down his cheeks, but his face no longer looked sad. Sean was beautiful. I felt as if I was really seeing a person for the first time in my life. Soon I felt him tremble beneath me. He broke out in goose bumps all over and buried his face in my neck when he came. A warm jet spilled over my thigh. I was overcome with the same intense feeling as with the first shot after a long time.
After that, I stayed on top of him for a while.
“God, that was...”
I looked for his eyes, but he just looked away. He looked sad again. I lay down on my side of the bed. There was a silence that seemed like an eternity to me.
Sean
On Monday, Sara had already spread the word that I could have information about Jordan. I disappointed the clique when I claimed that I could hardly remember anything. Anyway, Jordan was the big hero and from then on he was always there. Susi talked his ear off with some soap opera stories about our fellow students. I would have liked to talk to Jordan in peace, because by now I was pretty sure that he had noticed my crying fit. Sometimes he watched me almost worriedly, or was I just imagining it? Anyway, my parents were away for the weekend, so I threw one of my infamous basement parties. Jordan showed up too. And Sara had told me that today was the day. Today she wanted to do it. I couldn't wait for the people to finally leave and bridged the time with punch. Sara seemed to be really serious about it, we made out intensely all evening. In the end, only the people who wanted to stay overnight and Jordan, asleep on the floor with a bottle of Martini in her arms, remained. Hannah and her strange Steven eventually retreated to a bedroom. Sara and I were now half lying on the pool table. She was getting calmer and calmer. I couldn't believe it myself, but she had fallen asleep. That was typical. I was really getting sick of it. I carried her to my sister's room. If she thought I was going to lie down with her and hope she'd wake up, she was mistaken. In the end, I'd probably have to watch her throw up, no thanks. I decided to sleep in my own room. Then I remembered Jordan.
He was sleeping peacefully on the basement floor. For a moment, it seemed too peaceful to me, and I checked his breathing. At that moment, he opened his eyes wide and recoiled. I told him that it was too cold to sleep down here, but he didn't move an inch. He didn't even know that I lived here. It came down to me dragging him up to the first floor and putting him in my bed. He slowly came to. He lay down across the bed and said that I should feel honored that he was spending another night with me, because it wasn't that often. I pulled the blanket he had spread out on top of and crawled under it. I also told him that I had rather imagined Sara in my bed tonight. He was really shocked that we hadn't slept together yet, and when I mentioned that she had fallen asleep on the pool table, he couldn't stop laughing. He apologized and said he had other plans for the evening, with Hannah. I said he didn't stand a chance with her. Steven treated her really badly and yet she was totally infatuated with the guy. Besides, I added that she wasn't into freaks like him. Of course, he couldn't let that lie. He immediately hit me with a pillow. I overpowered him and took the pillow from him. I saw a tattoo on his shoulder. An old-fashioned sun. He said he had others. I almost felt like I was being controlled remotely when I took off his T-shirt. I found another sun around his belly button. He said he had always liked sun motifs. With a grin, he told me he had another one on his butt, as if he wanted me to check it out. From that moment on, I was sure that he was into boys. I just didn't know how I felt about it. I started talking about nothing in particular. And then I asked him where he actually came from and stuff like that. The story was the usual one. Mom gets a new job, he comes with her and now he's here. After that, we talked and talked. I told him about my father's political ambitions, about my niece, even about my first time and about the slaps my father gave me when I came home with a C. Of course, we ended up talking about Sara again. I told him that my parents were even talking about getting married and were already going through the guest list in their minds. I noticed that I was getting tears in my eyes and explained to him that I liked Sara, but that it couldn't be everything. And the company! I still wanted to study medicine. Jordan took me in his arms. I felt so safe with him. I stopped thinking. He suddenly let me go and apologized. He wanted more, I could tell. I told him that if it had to be, then I would have to apologize because I was constantly whining to him, and then I asked him to just hold me again. He pulled me close to him again. It wasn't long before he kissed me. I kissed him back. The tears just wouldn't stop. I liked the way he kissed, like he had nothing to hide. He had a tongue piercing. I leaned back and pulled him on top of me. I was ready for anything and Jordan seemed to know what he was doing. He took off my T-shirt and kissed my stomach, then worked his way back up to my neck. Slowly, he slid his hand into my pants. I took off his shorts and he took off mine. We lay completely naked on top of each other, as close as we could get. I looked Jordan firmly in the eye. He was so beautiful and his face suddenly seemed so familiar to me. He looked at me as if he could see right into my head. It was as if our souls suddenly recognized each other. At that moment, I loved him, no matter how little I actually knew him. When it was over, my euphoria evaporated. I only saw what someone who happened to come into the room would see. Two men, naked on top of each other. Jordan said something, looked for my eyes, but I couldn't. I was overcome with panic. What had just happened to me? We lay in bed together for a while. I couldn't say anything, I tried to organize my thoughts until I couldn't stand it anymore.
Jordan
Then Sean put his shorts and T-shirt back on and apologized without looking at me. I got dressed as well. Just as I was about to say that there was nothing for him to apologize for, the bedroom door flew open. Sara was standing in the doorway, completely distraught.
“Come quickly! Steven hit Hannah! She's bleeding quite badly.”
When we entered the master bedroom, Hannah was indeed bleeding quite badly from a wound on her head.
“I fell, with my head on the closet, terribly awkwardly...”
“Where is the bastard?”
“He knocked on my door and drove away.”
“Oh dear, I'm afraid you'll need stitches. Come on, we'll drive you to the hospital.”
Sean got a towel and pressed it against Hannah's wound. I thought to myself that he would make a really good doctor. We spent the rest of the night in the emergency room. Hannah had to be stitched up with four stitches. I had seen worse during my time as a junkie. Of course this Steven was a wanker and all that. But it was nothing new for me that women were beaten up. Even my mother had a guy who beat her for a while. Once I even had to call the ambulance because she didn't wake up anymore. I was eight at the time. Sara seemed quite upset by the whole thing. Sean comforted her and held her. When he kissed her, I felt, to my own amazement, jealousy rising in me. All the time he didn't say a single word to me and he also avoided my eyes. It's not normally my nature to get so worked up about something, but this time it was different. Something had happened between us that went beyond the physical.
We were able to leave around eight. Sean announced that they would drop me off at home and that the girls should come with him for the time being. His parents wouldn't be back until Sunday. He didn't even say goodbye to me.
At home, I tried in vain to get some sleep. How would it go on? Would we avoid each other from now on? Should I go to the Zen Bar in the evening, or wouldn't there be anyone there anyway after what happened with Hannah? I decided that I should give Sean time. I wouldn't do anything more today.
Sean
Shortly afterwards, Sara suddenly stood in the doorway and said that Hannah was bleeding. From then on, I just went through the motions. Stop the bleeding, emergency room, comfort Sara, wait, wait, wait. I couldn't deal with what Jordan was probably thinking. We were able to leave around eight, I dropped Jordan off at home and drove back to my place with the girls. Hannah lay down on the couch for a while, Sara and I had breakfast. I drove the two home in the early afternoon. When I came back, I went to my room to maybe get some sleep. Of course, my bed still looked exactly as Jordan and I had left it. I lay down and couldn't think of anything but him.
Jordan
I didn't do anything on Sunday either. I didn't know exactly when Sean's parents would be back and I didn't want to risk running into them. I had time to think about the whole thing. After all, it was my first time with a man. Okay, I had kissed a boy before. But only out of curiosity. I was 14 at the time. It was nothing like this. What did that mean now? Was I gay now? I didn't really have a general interest in men. Just in Sean. And what about him? Did he already have experience in the field? Then he would hardly have been so scared afterwards. Did he even have an interest in me, or had I imagined something and was just in the right place at the right time? I didn't dare to think about it. My need for drugs was greater than it had been in months.
Sean
I hardly left my room for the rest of the weekend. I oscillated between absolute feelings of happiness and abysmal self-loathing. I couldn't get involved with him. I couldn't do that to my parents and Sara. I knew that if I didn't put an end to it right now, I never would. I had always sworn to myself that I would never let the nightmares I had come true, but now it had happened after all. And what was even worse, I had not only gotten involved with a guy on a physical level, but I had feelings for him. I tried to push all that aside and read or occupy myself in some other way.
On Sunday, my parents came back, but I couldn't face them. I really feared they would see what had happened to me. So I claimed to have the flu and stayed in bed. I couldn't think of anything but finally seeing Jordan again, but I couldn't allow myself that.
Jordan
On Monday, I felt really sick. Even my mom thought I should stay home. But of course I couldn't do that. I didn't want Sean to think I was avoiding him. So I dragged myself to school, only to find that Sean had called in sick. To my surprise, Hannah was there. She got right to the point with her direct manner.
“You look awful.”
“Yes, thanks, I know.”
“Are you taking an exam or something today?”
“Not that I know of... why?”
“Why else would you drag yourself to school?”
“I could ask you the same question.”
“My parents just pester me with questions at home anyway.”
“Rightly so, don't you think? You should dump the guy.”
“Yeah, I know. You're right. Will you come with me on Wednesday to get the stitches out?”
“Is that a date?”
“I think you've already got your eye on someone else.”
“What, how...? What makes you think that?”
“Oh come on, the way you and Sean were acting, it was obvious!”
“What?! Yes, but... no!”
“I'm just wondering why she thinks she has to keep it a secret from me. I'm her best friend, after all.”
“What? Who are you talking about?”
“Well, Sara. Something must have happened between you two. And Sean found out about it, that's why he was so strange to you on Saturday, right?”
“Oh dear, you're barking up the wrong tree. And to prove it to you, I'll accompany you on Wednesday for a 'stitch removal date'.”
“All right. That convinces me. See you!”
I had just set up a date with the unattainable Hannah. But still, I could only think of Sean. I had to talk to him. That was the idea! I could bring him the homework.
So in the afternoon I was standing in front of the huge front door again and rang the bell. A maid opened the door for me and let me go up to Sean's room. I knocked and he called me in.
“Hey, I... I wanted to talk to you, how are you?”
“What? What are you doing here? What if my parents ask me what you wanted here?”
“Well, I brought you the homework, here...”
“Sara already faxed it to me and Hannah is bringing me chemistry later.”
“Oh, okay. Actually, I'm also here to talk to you... about Friday night.”
There was a knock at the door again, the maid wanted to know if we wanted tea or something similar.
“No, damn it. I want to be left alone and that's it. Is that so hard to understand?”
The young woman crept back out, apologizing. And I had the feeling that this outburst was directed more at me than at her.
“Sorry, I shouldn't have come here. Maybe I'll see you at school tomorrow. You know, this whole thing isn't easy for me either.”
Without waiting for an answer, I left the room and shortly thereafter the house.
Neither on Tuesday nor on Wednesday did Sean come to school. I became more and more desperate. I would have liked to have given myself a drug. I thought about maybe going to a therapy group again that evening, but first I had a “thread-pulling” date with Hannah. I picked her up at home and we went to her GP. It didn't take long for her to come clean.
“You look like shit.”
“Thank you. But you're right.”
“I think I've got it now.”
“What?”
“Well, what or who is bothering you.”
“Really? Let's hear it.”
“On Monday we just barely missed each other at Sean's. I saw you leaving. You were pretty shaken up, didn't even hear me call. He didn't look any better either. I think he had been crying. So, aren't you finally going to tell me what's going on? Sean is a good friend. I don't want him to be unhappy. And I don't want you to be unhappy either.”
She stopped and put her hand on my cheek. I couldn't look at her.
“If I kissed you now, you'd wish I was Sean, right?”
She had found out. There was no point in lying to her.
“Please don't tell anyone. It wasn't planned. Sean and I had something on Friday. He's been ignoring me ever since.”
She paused briefly, then:
“Oh man, Sean must really like you.”
“Yeah, right, that's why he's treating me like this. I could have figured that out on my own...”
“No, seriously. Don't you understand? He constantly blames himself for not being the perfect son his father would like to have. And to avoid making things even worse, he wants to shield himself from you. If it had been just a one-time thing, he would have told you and wouldn't have worried. But now you're a danger... you have to talk to him. Don't let him brush you off. You're both miserable... and he doesn't just live for his father... oh, here we are, I'm scared.”
Sean
On Monday I didn't go to school. Sara faxed me the homework, she didn't want to get infected. Hannah had announced that she would bring me chemistry. When the bell rang in the afternoon, I expected her. Loraine, the maid, opened the door and shortly after, there was a knock on my room door. Jordan came in. I was totally shocked. Panic rose in me, both my parents were at home. He said he wanted to talk, sure, I wanted to talk too, but before I could tell him that, there was another knock at the door and Loraine asked if she should bring us something to drink. It was the tenth time today that she had asked me if I wanted tea. That was just too much. I shouted at her, louder than I actually wanted to, that I just wanted to be left alone, if that was so hard to understand. She left immediately, and Jordan looked at me very strangely. He obviously thought the outburst was directed at him, maybe it was, I didn't know myself. He apologized and said that it wasn't easy for him either. Then he had disappeared again. I wanted to call out to him, but what if my parents heard it? I pulled the blanket over my head and cried with anger at myself. Shortly thereafter, the doorbell rang again. I actually hoped that he had perhaps come back, but I pulled myself together. There was a knock at the door and Hannah came in.
She asked me how I was doing and immediately saw that something was wrong. I blamed it on the flu and she didn't press the issue.
Jordan
Hannah convinced me that the Zen Bar was the best place to “separate Sean from the flock,” as she put it, to talk to him.
So I decided to go there on Friday evening, although I myself didn't know exactly what I wanted to say to him. After all, I wasn't gay or anything...
At the entrance, there was a different, unknown two-meter man this time. The queue was already quite long, although it wasn't even ten o'clock. The three couples were already sitting in the couch corner. Hannah was nowhere to be seen. I was already preparing myself for an exciting evening in which I would not be able to talk to Sean alone. He only had eyes for Sara. The others could at least manage a “Hi!” before turning back to their loved ones. Sean ignored me completely and kissed Sara passionately.
I slowly wondered what I was doing here. I decided to retreat to the bar. After I had half-emptied my Zombie, I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“So, you here alone tonight to get drunk? You're not here on business, are you? Because if you are, we have a problem.”
“Bang! No, I've been clean for months. I'm graduating soon. I haven't seen the old gang in ages. To be honest, we didn't part on good terms. I gave the cops a few names of suppliers. Of course, they then cut off the supply.”
“It's good to hear that you're doing better. I was really worried about you at the end. I thought you were done for when you stopped showing up. Well, I have to get out of here now. Have fun with your drink.”
I sat at the bar for a while, sipping my cocktail. Every attempt to make eye contact with Sean failed. It was just eleven. It was a bit early to go home, so I took one last desperate look in the direction of the couch. Sean was engrossed in a conversation with Sara and made no move to end it anytime soon. So I got up and made my way towards the exit. An endlessly long line of people waited to be finally let in. Nothing but mini-business people with their Barbie-style accessories. This bar may not have been completely legitimate in the past, but at least the people there had style. I realized that I just didn't belong there anymore.
At the back of the line was Hannah. She had a black eye.
“You look like shit this time. Are you still putting up with this guy, then? I've had enough of the games, I'm leaving. This bar has seen me for the last time. And Sean too.”
“Wait, you have to talk to him!”
Hannah held me by the arm, but I pulled away a little roughly.
“Man, Jordan!”
“Are we having problems here?”
Bang had apparently been watching us from the doorway. When he saw Hannah's black eye, he knew what to do.
“You junkies never change, I should have known. I'm banning you from the bar. And if I see you here again, I'll call the cops and have them search your place thoroughly. So, kid, go on inside, it's okay.”
“Man Bang! Oh, think what you want, you won't see me here anymore, count on it!”
Bang disappeared with Hannah behind the door.
So there I was again. Alone and branded as a good-for-nothing junkie and thug. What difference did the truth make? At least now I could be myself again.
Sean
I had made the decision to ignore Jordan and instead focus on Sara. At school, that might work to some extent, but on Friday night at Zen, I really had to pull myself together. I saw that Jordan wanted to talk to me, but I was afraid of it. He kept trying to make eye contact, but I wouldn't let him. Eventually, he retreated to the bar. I considered going to him, but I knew it wouldn't end well. Eventually he disappeared. After a few minutes, Hannah arrived with a black eye and said something about Jordan having a fight with the bouncer outside. I just saw him leave and ran after him. He looked pretty loaded. I knew that I could either talk to him now or write him off forever.
Jordan
“Jordan, can we talk, please?”
Sean came running up to me. He looked like a walking snob cliché in his polo shirt and with his hair gelled back.
“Hang on, Jordan. Hannah said you had a problem with the bouncer? What…?”
“Oh, that's why you came out? Sure, what else would we have to talk about?”
“No, of course we have to talk about that, too.”
“Save it. I already know what you're going to say. That you're sorry, you didn't mean to do it. You were drunk and disappointed because Sara wouldn't let you touch her. It'll never happen again. Let's stay friends. But I don't give a damn about that! I was drunk, too, but I wanted it to happen. I felt something then, and I know you did too! Just be honest! You want to play the perfect son, but you're just fooling yourself. You can't deny yourself! Stop pretending!”
“Jordan, it's not...”
“No, don't bother. I'm dropping out of school. It's not for me anyway. You'll never have to see me again and you can conveniently forget that there was ever something between us. Goodbye!”
I had to turn around quickly, otherwise he would have seen the tears well up in my eyes. I sprinted across the street and thought I couldn't breathe. My heart was pounding in my ears. Then I heard Sean's voice approaching.
“Jordan, you idiot! Wait!”
I stopped and turned around.
“Jordan, let me say something for a change! You're right about everything you said about me. I was such an idiot. Jordan, I really like you. But I still need a little time, okay? Please don't run away. Let's see where it all leads, okay? Give me another chance!”
That's exactly what I wanted to hear. I couldn't say another word and fell into his arms.
“That's nice, Jordan! Do you have a new girlfriend?!”
The voice behind me was all too familiar.
“Mex, how are you?”
When I turned around, I saw that practically all of my old clique was standing there. All of them dressed in dark clothes, studded and leather jackets. For the first time, I realized how daunting it was to stand in front of such a group and not belong to it. Conny came up to me and greeted me with the usual French kiss. The others didn't seem as annoyed as I had thought either. They all hugged me and said we should do something together again. Business was going well.
“We want to get the Zen Bar back. Are you with us or are you one of them now?”
“You'd better not do that. It's teeming with civilians. The new tenant is doing everything he can to keep the club clean.”
“So you're chickening out again, huh? Nothing will happen to you. The cops are your friends, aren't they?”
“Do whatever you want. But don't say I didn't warn you.”
“He probably just wants to defend his territory. He sells there and doesn't want to share!”
Conny was the last person I would have expected to stab me in the back.
“No, I'm out of here. But please, go ahead. You won't even get past the bouncer.”
“At Bang? Well, we'll see about that. Come on, guys!”
The clique moved on to the other side of the street.
“How do you know guys like that?”
“It's a long story. Listen, I have to go with you. Can we talk more tomorrow?”
“Why do you have to go with them? Stay out of it. It'll only cause trouble. Susi's uncle doesn't take any nonsense. Come on, we're leaving.”
“No, I can't do that. I still have some explaining to do with them. I can't just blow their cover. So go now. I don't want you to get involved.”
“No, I'm not leaving you alone with them. Wait, I'll come with you.”
“Hey Jordan, would you explain to your people that they have to find another hangout. The customer base has changed and you wouldn't find any takers anyway. Tell them. After all, you've been spying on us for them in the last few weeks. I didn't think you'd screw me over like that.”
The bouncer was visibly annoyed.
“Okay guys, let's just go somewhere else. We're not going to make any money here. Come on!”
But Mex and the others were not to be reasoned with. I noticed a guy around thirty who was watching the whole thing too closely. A plainclothesman.
“There's going to be trouble soon. So you better leave now.”
Bang had probably also noticed the cop. At that same moment, cops in civilian clothes jumped on us from all sides like in an action movie, with drawn batons. All of us, except for Sean, whom Bang saved with a “he's okay,” for which I was eternally grateful to him, were handcuffed and searched. And the cops found what they were looking for. I could see in the eyes of the officer who searched me how disappointed he was not to find anything on me, even after the second search. He had to let me go.
My first thought was of Sean. What he must think of me! I went back to the entrance, where Bang was talking to Sean. Snippets of the conversation were enough to understand that the bouncer was just telling him about my glorious past.
“Let me explain. I... .”
“Save it! I'm not supposed to deny myself and what are you doing?! You lie to me about an idyllic place and use me and my friends to spy on the Zen bar. Leave me alone!”
Sean ran inside. When I went after him, Bang held me back.
“You're banned from the bar, remember? This is a clean club.”
“Bang! I'm clean. The cops searched me and found nothing. Otherwise I wouldn't be here! And it wasn't me who gave Hannah that shiner, it was her great boyfriend.”
“Yes, she told me that too...
“You see! Bang, I didn't spy on the club. I just happened to end up here again. Susi is in my class! Please, I don't know what you told Sean, but I have to go to him and tell him the truth. The whole truth. Without embellishment, but also without false accusations, please, let me in! Please!”
I realized that tears were running down my cheeks. We had just about fixed things, and now this.
“Please, Bang, you don't understand! Please let me in!”
“I can't do that. And besides, why does it matter so much to you what that snob thinks of you? You're acting like you're fighting with your girlfriend.”
Bang only had to look at my shocked, caught face and he understood everything.
“You... damn it, Jordan... Have you two...?”
“Please, Bang, don't say it. Yes, but nobody knows about it, everything is still so new and fragile. Please, I have to explain it to him...”
This honesty was well received.
“All right, ... but no funny business!”
Sean was sitting with the gang on the couch again and Sara was hanging on him. Judging by their looks, he had told them what had happened.
“Sean, just let me explain!”
Willie and Alex stood in front of me. Susi's voice boomed in my direction.
“I knew you were crazy, but I didn't think you'd do something like this.”
“Sean, please, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied to you, but I was ashamed. I didn't know that the old gang would show up here, and I certainly didn't spy on them. That's the truth! Please, Sean, you have to believe me!”
He stood up, came over to me and stopped about a meter away from me, so as not to look suspicious in front of his friends.
“Why didn't you just tell me the truth right away? We would have been spared a lot.”
“I wanted to. But I couldn't.”
I lowered my voice.
“I couldn't tell you for the same reason that you don't kiss me here in front of everyone, even though you want to. Out of shame and because I knew that you would judge me for it. What wouldn't we have been spared in the future if you had just kissed me now?”
“But I can't... .”
“Yes, I know. Try to understand. But I want to tell you everything, preferably right now. Please, we could go to my place and I'll tell you every detail...”
“But what about the others? We can't do that now. I'll come to your place tomorrow, okay? I have to take Sara home.”
Sara tugged at his sleeve.
“But I'll come to you tomorrow, won't I?”
Hannah came over.
“Jordan, could you maybe take me home? I don't know if Steven is waiting somewhere...”
“Sure, of course. Come on.”
On the way out, Hannah addressed the bouncer.
“He's one of the good guys, Bang, really.”
“I hope so. Take good care of him, little one. A broken heart has already plunged many men into the abyss.”
For a moment, a bear paw was on my shoulder.
“Good night, Bang, and thanks for everything.”
“And?”
“What?”
“Well, you talked to Sean. What happens now?”
“I don't know. You were right, I mean something to him. But I don't know how this is going to continue. I wasn't prepared for something like this. I've only known you all for a few weeks. And my therapist recommends that I only enter into a relationship when I've been clean for a year.”
“So it's true?”
“What?”
“Don't play stupid with me! You were addicted...
“No, I'm addicted and I'll probably stay that way. Do you know how many times I wanted to stick a needle in the last two weeks? I've lost count. This is just really bad timing...”
“Are you backing out now?”
“From what? Actually, not much has happened yet.”
“You know that's not true. You're just getting cold feet, that's normal.”
“Yeah, Ms. Relationship Advisor, you obviously know what's what, huh?”
“Now don't get mean. I know something has to change for me, it's just not that easy.”
“I know, I'm sorry. Maybe you should talk to my mom. She had the same problem as you once... Uh-oh, that looks like trouble.”
Stevens car was parked in front of Hannah's house, so he couldn't be far.
“Well, as long as he hasn't seen us, we have two options. Either I get him and he gets back everything he did to you, double and triple, or we get the fuck out of here and you sleep at my place tonight.”
“To be honest, I've had enough excitement tonight. If it's not too much trouble for you, I'd rather stay with you...”
Like two weeks earlier with Sean, I snuck into my room with Hannah. We made it clear that we would share the bed. As soon as we lay down, she was already fast asleep.
She couldn't be woken up until noon. Of course, Mom and Klaus were sitting at the lunch table grinning at me.
“Well, do you have a visitor? Just another friend again?”
“No, this time it's a girlfriend. But not my girlfriend. Mom, you know what happened with Robert back then? Hannah has a guy like that too. Maybe you could talk to her about it? Last week we even had to take her to the emergency room...
“My God, the poor thing! Of course I'll talk to her. I also have numbers of counseling centers and, of course, she can stay here as long as she wants.”
Klaus disappeared at some point and the two women talked for at least two hours in the kitchen. Then the doorbell rang and Sean was there. I hadn't even expected him yet. He would have liked to have disappeared into my room immediately, but I insisted on introducing him to my mom.
“Mom, this is Sean. The friend who stayed here the other day.”
Sean was, of course, amazed to see Hannah sitting in our kitchen. He introduced himself to my mom, well-mannered as he was. But you could tell that he didn't feel comfortable.
“Mom, I want to tell them both everything about my time with drugs today. And I want you to hear it, too. You already know most of it, but not everything.”
That was certainly a surprise, but the three of them sat down at the table, my mom on my left and Sean on my right.
I started talking, first about the things everyone could guess at. My first joint at 12, the first time I did coke, and so on. Mom wanted to know where I got all the money for the drugs. So I had to openly admit that I had also sold drugs. I also told each of them about the three burglaries at electronics stores in which I had been involved. I talked about the regular binges in the Zen bar, about the girls who clung to me because they got cheaper stuff that way, and about the drug-related death of a friend. I also talked about all the lies I had told my mom and about the one slap in the face I gave her when I was 16. Hannah swallowed noticeably. Of course that hit her. Finally, I told her about the various rehab stays and how I got there. I had saved the hardest part for last. The shot that almost went gold. The shot that landed me my last stay in the clinic. My lowest point so far.
“It really was like a movie. I saw the most important moments of my life flash before me. I also saw all the things I would miss out on. Making a living as a musician, finding the one person for me, having children of my own, discovering the world. All that kind of stuff. I was at the crucial fork in the road and had to choose between dying from the drug or living without it. And even though such a life meant the agony of a long withdrawal for me, I decided for it. I kept seeing a face in front of my eyes. I can't even remember what it looked like. What was crucial was the feeling I felt when I saw it. There was someone out there whose happiness depended entirely on my survival, and I couldn't let that person down. When I came to in the hospital, I was more afraid than I had ever been before. The most agonizing months of my life began and more than once I wanted to end it all.”
My gaze fell on a barely visible scar on my forearm.
Sean put his hand on mine and looked me firmly in the eye.
“I'm glad you didn't.”
Tears were in his eyes and in the eyes of the women as well. As if he had only just remembered their presence, Sean quickly withdrew his hand and leaned back in his chair. My mother could no longer hold back her tears and gave me a stormy embrace.
“Me too, I'm glad you didn't. Otherwise your little sister would never have met you.”
“My little sister? Mom, are you pregnant?”
“Yes. We wanted to tell you a long time ago, but lately you've been so unhappy and we didn't want the news to upset you.”
“No, why, that's... fantastic!”
My mom actually served homemade cake (I wasn't used to so much domesticity from her, Klaus had his advantages too) and sparkling wine. We celebrated the great news the rest of the afternoon. Hannah left around four. I noticed that she avoided my gaze. She also refused when I wanted to take her home. At least she let Sean accompany her.
My mom and I were left alone in the kitchen.
“I really look forward to the baby, I wasn't just saying that, Mom.”
“I know, Jordan.”
When my mom calls me by my first name, something is wrong.
“What's the matter, Mom? Is it because of what I said? Look, that's all over...
“Of course, I know that.”
“What is it then?”
“Your new friends are really very nice, Jordan.”
“Yes, and?”
“You haven't always treated your partners well in the past, but those girls didn't expect anything different from you. But these two deserve better, Jordan. You can't get involved in something that you'll end after two weeks.”
“Mom, what are you talking about?”
“Hannah probably has a crush on you because you were her great savior. I don't think she has serious hopes for you.”
“No, I don't think so either. What are you getting at?”
“I'm not sure how much I can say without scaring you away, and I don't know how much you might already suspect, honey.”
Oh man, she was on the right track, I should have realized that something like that wouldn't stay hidden from my mother for long. But I wasn't ready for a conversation like that yet. I didn't even know myself what would develop, so I couldn't tell my mother the truth yet. That would set the whole thing in stone.
“Jordan, what are you brooding about? I see I shouldn't have brought it up. Don't think about it, just forget I said anything.”
Sean
As I found out later, Jordan left a lot out of his story. I walked Hannah home. On the way, we talked about Jordan's story.
Steven was already waiting in front of her house. Without asking too many questions, he went after me. The first blow landed, which would give a black eye. But after that, I was able to keep him at a distance quite well. Shortly before Hannah's parents stormed out of the house and announced that they had already called the police, I landed another blow to his chin. Steven left.
After everything had calmed down a bit and we had told the police everything, I went back to Jordan. Not only because I couldn't go home like that, of course, but also because I really wanted to see him. Just seeing him wasn't forbidden...
Jordan
Sean surprisingly came back late that evening. This time he had a black eye.
“You should see Steven first. I gave him a good beating. However, I can't go home like this. Would it be okay if I slept here on the couch?”
“I would prefer it if you slept in my bed... .”
“But your parents... .”
“Mom and Klaus went to Klaus's parents. To show ultrasound images and stuff like that. They're staying there, they don't want to drive back at night.”
“Oh, okay, then I'll sleep with you.”
The situation was so strange. I didn't know what he expected of me at all. When I came out of the bathroom, he was already lying under the covers, just like before. I lay down at a decent distance from him.
“Tell me how you got your black eye.”
It seemed as if Steven had been written off for good. He had been waiting outside the house and attacked Sean because he thought he was involved with Hannah. After the little altercation, Hannah's parents had called the police, who had taken Steven away for questioning. We probably wouldn't hear from him again anytime soon.
“Well done. You're my hero. ...And what about us two, here... alone in the apartment...?”
I took a chance and gently laid my hand on his stomach.
“Jordan, I think we'd better not. We're friends, can't that be enough for now?”
“Yes, of course. I'm sorry. I just thought we had actually worked everything out, so I saw no reason....
“I'm with Sara. I can chalk last week up to a mistake. But what happened here today would be intentional cheating.”
“I hadn't thought of it that way...”
“But I have. I'm very grateful that you told me about your past and I was really touched by what you said. But I have to be sensible and see things realistically. Where would this story take us? It wouldn't end well for either of us... Where are you going?”
“Well, on the couch, of course.”
“But why?”
“You just dumped me... Do you really think I want to sleep in the same bed with you? No couch in the world is that uncomfortable.”
“But Jordan, we can... .”
“...stay friends? Don't you dare utter that hackneyed phrase. How cold are you, actually? Do you really think I could do that after all this? You've changed everything for me. I've never experienced anything like this either and, just like you, I'm scared shitless. But I wanted to face all the consequences...
“What consequences does it have for you? You don't have a girlfriend to lose and if you lose the support of your parents, excuse me, but I don't think you would even notice. You only live for yourself and don't need anyone else, and what if in two months you decide that I'm too bourgeois or too clean for you, or you just want a woman again? What then? Then I'll be all alone. You too, but that won't change anything for you.”
That had hit home. Was that what my mother wanted to tell me? That my new friends, unlike me, had something to lose? A future, money, prestige, people who loved them? I had enough of it. I packed my clothes and stormed out of the apartment without looking back.
Sean
Jordan stood there as if struck by lightning. His face was completely rigid, but I could see in his eyes that I had hit a nerve. Then he hastily gathered up his clothes and ran out of the apartment. Just like that. After everything he had said that afternoon, my first thought was of a relapse. I was going through the motions again. I called his mother and asked her for her assessment. She was immediately sure that he would get drugs. She went straight home. After that, I panicked even more. Only then did I realize that I had just told his mother what was going on between us, but I couldn't think about that at the moment. I had to do something, so I went to Zen and looked for him there. I told the others that I had had a row with his parents and that his mother thought he might relapse. They all went off with me to look for him. After an hour I went back, where his mother was already waiting. Her boyfriend had stayed with his parents because he had an important appointment there tomorrow morning. We called all the hospitals. All night we heard nothing. In between, his mother told me about previous relapses before the big withdrawal, which had been triggered by much smaller things. We sat in the kitchen all night and made phone calls. I couldn't persuade Jordan's mum to lie down. In between, she kept crying. I tried to stay strong, even though I was almost convinced by now that I would never see Jordan again in my life. After the sun had risen, we kept calling around for what seemed like forever. I had decided to just sit in the chair by the fridge until he came back, even if it took years. I didn't know what time it was, but at some point the front door opened. Someone came into the kitchen.
Jordan
I later found out that Sean had gone looking for me at Zen and met up with the whole gang there and put the word out on me. He also called my mom, who had left her number on the fridge. She immediately went home. I don't know how much Sean told them, but everyone assumed that I would shoot up and it would all start all over again. Mom and Sean were panicked. Hannah searched the usual shooting spots with Alex and Willie. Mom called the hospitals and police stations. Sean blamed himself because he had let me go. Nobody found me. How could they, they were looking in all the wrong places. I slept peacefully on the couch of my doctor. I slept until after noon. Then I thanked for the support and made my way home. At home, I found my mother sitting at the kitchen table, her eyes swollen. She was calling all the hospitals.
“Mom, what's going on, did something happen?”
“Child! There you are!”
My mom hugged me and then slapped me hard. She rolled up my sleeves and checked my veins.
“Mom, what's going on? What are you doing?”
“Where have you been?”
“At Dr. Bishop's! Call and ask him if you don't believe me!”
“That's exactly what I'm going to do.”
She swept into the living room to get his number. Only now did I notice a figure cowering in the corner out of the corner of my eye.
Sean looked at me as if I were a ghost. He was as white as the wall he was leaning against.
“It's true, he was with his doctor all night. Jordan, how could you give us such a fright? I have to let the others know. They're looking for you. Why were you gone all night? Why didn't you at least call?”
“But you weren't even there! What the hell is going on here? Why are you all making such a fuss? What should I have done? Sean! Tell me!”
Sean didn't move. He just stared at me in disbelief. I bent down to him. He took my face in his hands and looked at me firmly despite his swollen eyes. He whispered, almost.
“Jordan, I have never been so scared in my life as I was tonight. The look in your eyes when you left. I really thought I would never see you again.”
I pulled him up from his chair and held him tight. He was freezing cold and his heart was racing like crazy. He started sobbing.
“It's okay, I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay with you as long as you want me to. I promise. Don't cry, Sean, please. I didn't want that, I didn't expect that.”
I didn't know if my mother was still standing in the kitchen, but I couldn't help it. I took Sean's chin in my hand and brought our mouths together. I kissed him very gently at first, then more and more passionately. All the fear of the previous night noticeably fell away from him. His cheeks grew warmer and soon he smiled at me and whispered,
“I want to be with you, no matter what it costs. Please forget everything I said yesterday.”
“I know it's harder for you than it is for me. I'll be more patient in the future, I promise. Everything's fine, right? Everything's fine.”
Only the doorbell separated us. My mother came into the kitchen.
“Are you ready? These are your friends. I told them that you were back here and that it was all a misunderstanding. But they want to see for themselves that you're okay.”
“All right, okay. Thanks, Mom. I'm really sorry about all this.”
“I know, sweetheart, I know.”
Sean disappeared into the bathroom.
“Mom, I... we... I don't know.”
“It's all right. I'm sure it won't be easy, but you have so much strength, Jordan. I'll open the door now.”
To my surprise, Susi threw her arms around my neck.
“Jordan, thank God you're okay. You gave us quite a scare. We searched for you in the most remote corners of the city! Don't do that again! You belong with us now. We have to look out for each other.”
She actually sobbed into my T-shirt. I really didn't know what to make of it all anymore. All of a sudden, so many people cared about my whereabouts. I had often been out all night and never bothered anyone. Suddenly all this fuss. And Sara. She stood behind Susi and looked around quite obviously for Sean. I didn't know how I would react if Sean gave his girlfriend a kiss as a greeting. Alex and Willie actually looked happy to see me. They warmly shook my hands. My eyes fell on Hannah, who had not yet entered through the door. She motioned for me to join her in the hallway and closed the door. Inside, we could hear the boys shouting. Sure, the gang would definitely like to see me as Hannah's new boyfriend...
“Jordan, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I think so. It's all a bit much at once. I'm not used to such a crowd.”
“They were really worried about you. That's the great thing about this circle of friends. You can always rely on people 100%, even if they do have their quirks.”
“And what about you? Were you worried about me too?”
“After your story yesterday, I believe that you are capable of a lot. You react very impulsively. I would have thought you capable of relapsing.”
“Hannah, it didn't even cross my mind last night, really. Listen, I realized yesterday that something has been standing between us since I told you about the slap. But you have to know that it was the drugs and not me. I was so desperate and really needed a fix. Something like that would never happen to me again.”
“Okay. I think we should go back inside before they get the wrong idea in there.”
I sensed that the matter was not yet resolved.
Inside, everyone had gathered in the kitchen. Sean had just come out of the bathroom. He looked shockingly normal. Almost as if nothing had happened. Our eyes met. I remembered that Sean had no idea that Hannah knew. There was no one else around.
“Sean, listen. Hannah knows. She guessed it last week. I just want you to know.”
For a moment I thought he was going to yell, but then he smiled resignedly.
“Well, that's a start. Let's go inside.”
Of course, there was a shortage of seats in the kitchen. There was only one free chair left. Sara stood up and let Sean sit down. She jumped on his lap and kissed him warmly in greeting. My mother looked at me in astonishment. Hannah sat down on the last free chair. My mother asked me to help her in the cellar for a moment. I found that strange, since we hadn't rented a cellar compartment, but obediently followed her into the hallway.
“Sean has a girlfriend?”
“Yes, for three years.”
“And you don't mind that?”
“Yes, of course... .”
“And what are you going to do about it?”
“I don't know, I haven't thought about it yet...”
“You should, though, because I've heard stories like that before. Just think of your father. He'll end up marrying her and you'll be left by the wayside. I saw how much he cares for you last night. You should give him an ultimatum. It's better to know where you stand right now than to lose out to her after a few years of secrecy.”
“Mom, that's too fast. I'll wait and see first...”
“As you like, but don't say I didn't warn you.”
Luckily the gang didn't stay for long, I desperately needed time to think about everything. Sean, of course, went with Sara. He'd only exchanged maybe three sentences with me the whole time. I already suspected that exactly what my mother had prophesied could happen.
At school, I spent most of my time with Hannah. We were the only non-couple, which, absurdly, usually made us look like a couple. When I saw Sean, Sara or someone else from the clique was with me 90% of the time. We were never unobserved anyway. More than a quick chat was not possible. That really got to me. I could constantly see Sara half-eating Sean up.
On Friday during the break, we all sat together and talked about the weekend plans, which would probably be rather meager due to the two exams the following week. Sean and Sara sat a little apart and seemed to be having an argument.
Susi, as always, knew everything.
“Sara really wants to go camping with Sean this weekend. I think she finally wants to do it. But Sean says he has to study. I know that look in Sara's eyes. She's determined and will convince him.”
In fact, the argument seemed to have died down. Sara was now sitting on Sean's lap and the two were kissing violently, it was no longer G-rated.
“You see? On Monday, Sara will finally have lost her virginity.”
I threw up. Just like that, without warning and right next to the bench we were sitting on. I had to leave immediately. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sean watching me. Someone ran up behind me and helped me up the stairs to the school building. I threw up again on the stairs. It must have been a pitiful sight. I felt that the strange arms held almost all of my weight while I choked up my sandwich again. Alex, whom I had previously thought of as a brainless closet, had come after me and was now leading me to the nearest toilet. I couldn't deal with embarrassment right now. Sean and Sara would sleep together this weekend. In Sara's world, this was almost like a promise of marriage. Once that happened, I wouldn't stand a chance. His guilt would bind him to her...
“Are you okay?”
I couldn't turn to Alex to thank him for his help. I couldn't control myself anymore. The attempt to disguise my sobs as choking sounds failed miserably.
“Are you crying? Are you doing so badly?”
“No, no, I'm fine again. You can go back to the others.”
“Are you crazy, I'm not leaving you alone like this. Listen, Jordan, it's not okay how he's treating you. You shouldn't put up with it.”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“It's okay, I don't think anyone else suspects anything. I overheard Hannah telling Sean off because of you. At first I was a bit shocked, but then suddenly a lot of things made sense. That you were so keen to explain yourself to him at Zen, and that he came to see us the next day looking for you, so upset. I've been friends with Sean since elementary school, but I've never seen him like this in the last few weeks, and everyone knows that things aren't going well with Sara. Come on, have a drink of water. You don't look so good. Listen, you can just pretend you don't know what I'm talking about, but I want to give you my brother's number. He's 21, studies journalism at the state university here and is gay. I've talked to him and he wouldn't mind if you called him if you needed a sympathetic ear. Just a suggestion...”
The toilet door opened and Sean stood there. Alex handed me the piece of paper with his brother's number on it and left, not without giving Sean a reproachful look.
“Alex, I know what you're talking about. Thanks.”
“You're welcome.”
Sean looked at me in utter amazement. When Alex had left the room, Sean blocked the door with a trash can.
“Listen, Jordan, I need to know now. How do you want to proceed? Are you serious about me?”
“How can you still ask me that? I've been miserable because of you for weeks. I have to watch you make out with Sara every day. Not a night goes by without this image haunting me in my nightmares. I can't take it anymore. You have to finally decide...”
“Are you giving me an ultimatum?”
“No, I'm just being honest. I can't go on like this. And if you sleep with her this weekend...”
“What? How do you know about that? I hate that clique. No one can keep a secret. What I do with Sara is nobody's business!”
“I see, then it's clear. I won't interfere anymore, don't worry.”
“No, Jordan, I didn't mean you. I'm talking about the others who are always interfering.”
“They only do it because they care. Without Alex, I'd be lying in the playground behind the bushes in my own puke right now and you wouldn't care.”
“Hey, I'm here, aren't I? Did you tell Alex everything, too?”
“No, you did that yourself. He heard you and Hannah talking about me.”
“Great. If it continues like this, we might as well stroll through school holding hands next week.”
“So far, everyone has taken it much better than you have.”
Something changed in Sean's expression.
“You're right, they have. Let's not fight again, okay? When we're finally alone, we yell at each other. I don't want to go camping with Sara this weekend. I don't want to sleep with her either.”
“You don't? Then tell her that.”
“Jordan, it's not that easy. I can't give her any reasons either.”
“How about the truth? What are you afraid of?”
“I can't do that. If I disappoint her like this, after three years, she'll do anything to get me back, even go to my parents. And even if she doesn't, they'll ask me what went wrong. And what am I supposed to say then?”
“I don't know, I don't know. I just know it can't go on like this. Maybe we should start small. You need a reason not to go camping with her this weekend, right?”
“Yes...”?
“Give me chemistry tutoring. I got a D in the first exam. I really need an intensive course this weekend. And you're the best in chemistry. You could spend the whole weekend with me and we'll study chemistry together. And you wouldn't even have been lying.”
“Are you really that bad at chemistry?”
“Yes, but that's not the point. What do you think of the idea?”
“Not bad. I'll talk to Sara in a minute.”
Just as he was about to leave, he remembered why we were talking in a toilet.
“How are you doing now, actually?”
He put his hand on my forehead almost professionally to feel my temperature.
“At least you don't have a fever. Don't get sick, just before our buffalo weekend.”
And with that, he was gone.
In the evening, Sean and Sara didn't show up at the Zen Bar. Susi and her friends giggled the whole time. I asked as casually as possible where they were. Susi looked at me conspiratorially.
“Promise me you won't tell anyone!”
“Sure...”
I had a bad feeling.
“Apparently Sara has decided that if camping is cancelled, she'll just have to use tonight. She's even thought about renting a motel room. Unbelievable, isn't it?”
“That's...
I felt sick again...
“I think I need some fresh air...”
At the exit, I ran into the bouncer. I apologized and quickly went around the corner, out of sight. Of course, I threw up again. I was glad that no one was watching me this time. When my stomach had calmed down a bit, I rolled a cigarette for the first time in weeks. It was now half past ten. I was sure that the two of them had already slept together or were in the process of doing so. Images went through my mind, I couldn't stand it anymore. I slammed my fist into the wall of the house. Hot pain shot through my body and I heard a crack. I felt bones shift. I felt dizzy and saw spots before my eyes. I bent over and tried to take a deep breath. The stabbing pain gave way to a dull throbbing. I took a few drags on my cigarette. Every movement of my hand hurt like hell. I wished I had some grass with me to numb the pain. My hand swelled up so fast you could see it happening. Sean would know how to help me now. Sean... The pain became unbearable. Purple spots formed on my knuckles. The throbbing went through my entire body. I stood up and stepped out into the parking lot in front of Zen. I tried not to think about anything. Then I could hardly believe my eyes. There in the line for admission were Sean and Sara. Did they look different? Was there any evidence that they had? I had to get closer. They were in line about three meters in front of me. I couldn't hear what they were talking about, but they weren't touching each other. Normally, Sara was always hanging on Sean's arm. A sharp pain tore me out of my thoughts. The guy behind me had accidentally touched my arm while pushing. Involuntarily, I groaned loudly.
“Whoa, sorry man! You should really see a doctor about that.”
“Jordan!”
Great, now they'd noticed me.
“Jordan, let me see.”
Sean gently took my arm at the elbow and looked at my hand with a concerned expression.
“What happened, what were you doing?”
“I... it was an accident... me.”
“You need to see a doctor, you should get an x-ray. From the looks of it, something is definitely broken. I'm here in my mom's car, I can drive you.”
“I don't know, it's probably not that bad...”
“Come on, you don't need to study medicine to see that you should see a doctor about this. We'll drive you there.”
I think that was the first time that Sara had spoken to me directly. And she knew what Sean's real career aspiration was. I had imagined that Sean had only confided in me.
“Sara, there's no point in that. You go in to your friends and I'll take Jordan to the doctor. Really, it's okay.”
“Really? All right, call me when you get home, okay, honey?”
Sara kissed Sean on the lips, which almost made me want to hit something again.
“Bye, you two...”
“Come on, I'll park over there. Are you dizzy? Do you need to throw up?”
And of course I did. Sean tried to keep my hair out of my face, but I pushed him away.
“Damn it, Jordan! Let me help you!”
“You want to help me? You know what would really help me? If you roll me a cigarette. I can't do it with one hand.”
“I'm definitely not going to roll you one! It's bad for you! Do you know how many carcinogens are in them?”
“Oh, so cigarettes are bad for me. You're bad for me too, Sean! But you're not going anywhere!”
SILENCE
“Give it to me. I'll roll your damn cigarette.”
We didn't say a word on the way to the hospital.
It wasn't very busy in the emergency room; we were the only ones in the waiting area.
“Don't you want to tell me what happened? The doctors will ask you that too. Did you get into trouble? Was Steven there?”
“No, bullshit. He won't show his face here anymore.”
“All right, then what happened?”
“Nothing.”
“What do you mean, nothing? Your hand didn't just turn blue by itself.”
“No... it was just a stupid accident. I wasn't thinking. It doesn't matter...”
“Jordan, did you do it to yourself? What the hell did you do, now tell me!”
“I... man, I hit the wall. Satisfied?”
“What, why would you do something like that?”
“Because, oh... on impulse. Susi told me about your motel room. I went crazy. I went outside, threw up and hit the wall. That's it.”
“Jordan, I can't believe this.”
He looked at me sadly.
“Jordan, I didn't sleep with her. She said she had a surprise for me and steered me to the parking lot of the hotel. She said she had rented a room in there so we could be undisturbed. I could only think of you. I looked at the room and told her how shabby I thought it was. Actually, it was just a normal room. But I couldn't think of anything better. I told her that I couldn't imagine having our first time there. She was quite disappointed, but then she understood. We went out to eat and then came to Zen. That's where we met you. I'm sorry you had to worry. But I promise I won't sleep with her, believe me, please.”
Once again, tears were running down my cheeks. I was getting tired of it. I hadn't cried since my tenth birthday. But in the last few weeks, it had become more frequent.
A young doctor came and took me to an examination room.
“Do you need a handkerchief?”
“No, I'm fine...”
“Are you all right?”
“I think I've broken something...”
“I didn't mean that. Is he your boyfriend?”
“What?!”
Was I walking around with a stamp on my brain? I was simply shocked.
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Sometimes I talk without thinking. This is my first shift in the emergency room. When I'm nervous, I talk even more and think even less. I'm sorry.”
He took my arm at the elbow and looked at my hand carefully, just as Sean had done.
“How did that happen?”
“Do I have to say?”
“I can't force you, but it would help me to find out which bones I should take a closer look at. Listen, I'm bound by medical confidentiality. So if you've been in trouble...”
“It's not that. It's just pretty embarrassing.”
“I promise I won't laugh or anything.”
“I punched a wall with my fist.”
“... And, who won?”
He couldn't help but grin. I rolled my eyes.
“I'm really sorry, I've already talked faster than I thought. Okay, why did you do that?”
“Does that also help you with the diagnosis?”
“No, but I'd just like to know.”
“Just like that, affect, without thinking.”
“Were you angry?”
“Yes....
“At him out there?”
“Yes....
“Are you still mad at him?”
“I don't know, no, not really. How did you find out?”
“When I went to get you, I saw him talking soothingly to you... and that you were crying. I went back and waited until he had finished his lecture.”
“Oh... thanks, it was important that I heard what he had to say.”
“I could see that. So, about your hand. We need to x-ray it and it should be as flat as possible. Can you open your fist?”
“That hurts like hell.”
“All right, then I'll inject you with a painkiller first.”
“Oh, better not. I've been clean for 254 days.”
“I see. I'm afraid you'll have to grit your teeth during the X-ray.”
That was a huge understatement. I was glad when the procedure was over.
“Well, the fracture is not complicated, no splinters. We'll put a plaster on you to stabilize it. It can come off in six weeks. That's not the problem. But your overall condition worries me. Your blood sugar level is much too low, you probably haven't eaten in ages. You seem agitated and nervous. I've since got your file. You were here at the beginning of the year with a heroin overdose. You almost died.”
“Yes, that's right, but I never took anything again after that. I learned my lesson.”
“When I look at you, I have to say that you seem to me to be at high risk. Actually, I should admit you and call your doctor tomorrow.”
“Come on, that would be an exaggeration!”
“You think so? You hit a wall out of anger. Your self-destructive behavior is strong and you react impulsively. And the reason for all this is sitting out there in the waiting area. And I'm supposed to let you go away with him? I really can't be held responsible for that.”
“Isn't there any other way, maybe one that won't scare my mother?”
“Yes, there is. Have dinner with me.”
“What, excuse me?!”
“My shift is over in an hour. There's a night canteen here. Food helps against your low blood sugar level. Your fr... well, the guy out there can go home and I'll take you home later. I don't have to let you go away with the reason for your anger and I can make sure you get home safely. So there is no immediate risk of a relapse. Of course, you have to call your doctor tomorrow and make an appointment for Monday. So, what do you say? You are also welcome to spend the night in the hospital.”
“It doesn't really sound like I have a choice.”
“Good, then go and tell your... that guy...”
“Sean.”
“...Sean. After that, you just come back in and a nurse will put the cast on you.”
“Jordan! So, what did they say? How bad is it?”
“The break is not complicated and will be fine in six weeks. But they still wanted to keep me here. They have my file from the overdose. And apparently they think I could relapse.”
“What, really? And now?”
“I had to agree to a deal. One of the doctors is taking me to the night canteen because my blood sugar level is too low, and then he's driving me home to make sure I don't do any more stupid stuff tonight. I had no choice but to agree. My mom would freak out if she got a call from the hospital.”
“I see. Well, I guess I'll be going then. Is everything okay between us?”
“Yes, of course. I'll call you tomorrow about chemistry.”
“Okay, see you tomorrow.”
After I got the cast, I walked around in the waiting area for a while. Meanwhile, a couple with a small child had arrived who apparently had a high fever. The man and woman acted as if they were one person. Together they regularly checked the temperature, gave the child water and blew his nose. I thought of my mother and Klaus and that they would soon be parents. Together. Klaus wouldn't just disappear like the rest. They would probably even get married. I had to ask my mother about it.
The doctor came through the door marked “Staff Only”. He had swapped his white coat for a casual sweatshirt and came over to the waiting area. The first thing he did was take the child's temperature. He spoke soothingly to the parents and said that his colleague would be with them any moment. Then he came up to me and asked if we were ready to go. I nodded and followed him down a side corridor. I glanced back over my shoulder at the parents. They had already turned back to their child, but their faces looked more relaxed. Only now did I see that they were not much older than me.
“Careful!”
The doctor held me back by the arm. I had just continued straight ahead at a T-junction.
“What have you got against walls? Are you okay? You almost ran into it. What's going on? What..., ah, you were looking at the three. The parents are in their early 20s at the most. How old are you, by the way?”
The guy really talked a lot.
“I'm 19.”
“And what do you do? Do you study here?”
“No, I'm graduating from high school. I lost a year when I was in the hospital.”
“Oh, right, this way. It's not far anymore.”
The night canteen consisted of a row of hot plates and three tables. There was no one in sight, not even a cashier at the checkout.
“Self-service. Fred usually sleeps in the back room, we just put the money in the can over there. I'll invite you, of course. So let's see... what do you want? Pasta or chicken?”
“Pasta, I don't like meat.”
“Really, you're a vegetarian?”
“No, I just don't like meat.”
My voice sounded harsher than I wanted it to. But I was annoyed, too. If Sean had brought me home, he might have slept with me. And now I was sitting here in the hospital cafeteria with a stranger.
“Okay, I get it. Now eat, and I'll drive you home.”
“I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I just feel stupid, I don't know why they do that...”
“Call me Chris, I'm on a first-name basis with you, too. I don't know why I'm doing this either. You were sad, you felt bad, but you didn't want to stay in the hospital at any cost. I couldn't think of anything better to do.”
My hand started throbbing again.
“Is your hand bothering you? Is the cast too tight? Let me see.”
After he had made sure that the cast fit, he piled a huge amount of pasta in tomato sauce on my plate and took some chicken.
“Here, enjoy your meal.”
During the meal, we talked about trivial things. He asked me about my favorite subject, whether I liked sports, where I grew up, and so on. He said that he was 26 and in his first year of medical school. I told him that Sean would also like to study medicine.
“Really? And does he have the grades?”
“I think so. He gets straight A's. In chemistry, he usually knows more than our teacher.”
“Not bad. And where would he most like to study?”
“I don't know. I think he thinks he won't get in anyway.”
“But why not, if he's as good as you say he is?”
“It's complicated. His father built up a company and Sean is supposed to take it over. He's an only son...”
“Seriously? That still happens today? He'd better tell his daddy no right away before he messes up his whole life.”
“I couldn't agree more, but Sean just can't say no to anyone. He wants to please everyone. For example, he just can't bring himself to break up with his girlfriend.”
“Is that why you guys fought?”
Bull's eye. Somehow people always managed to grill me...
“Yeah, something like that...”
“You seem to be in a critical phase. Don't you think you'd better stay out of such situations right now?”
“That's easier said than done... .”
“I see. Well, at least go to a therapy group regularly and talk to your doctor, okay? Listen, you have to make Sean understand that you're not fully resilient at the moment. He has to take care of you. If he can't do that, he'd better stay away from you. Maybe you can take him to the therapy group so he can understand.”
“I don't know, I don't want to bother him with something like that, it's really my business...”
“But it doesn't work that way. He has to know what he's getting into. No matter how old you are, a teenage relationship doesn't work with an addict. And another thing: always having to pretend gets to you, you can't really afford that either.”
I knew he was right, but the situation was just way too complicated. I had to find a way for Sean and I to be together without pressure. It was good that my mom knew about it, so we didn't have to pretend at my house. Otherwise, having to do without public contact and so on was a shame, but bearable. But Sean really needed to talk to Sara, I had to insist on that...
After dinner, Chris drove me home. He insisted on taking me to the front door. I put the key in the lock while we said goodbye.
“Well, thanks for dinner and for bringing me home. And also for the rest.”
“You're welcome. I'll give you my card. You can call me anytime, okay?”
“Thanks, I know that.”
The front door flew open.
“Jordan, Sean, you're finally here! Um... you're not Sean.”
“No, I'm... .”
“Jordan, Hannah's here. She showed up an hour ago and doesn't look good. She was meeting with Steven. She's taking a bath right now. I wasn't allowed to take her to the doctor.”
“Not again, ... Chris, would you do me another favor and take a look at Hannah?”
“Of course.”
We sat down in the kitchen, where my mom had already made coffee.
“Honey, what happened to your hand?”
“Oh, it's not that bad. A clean break, it'll be forgotten in six weeks.”
I'd rather not tell her that my whole arm hurt like hell.
“How did that happen, for heaven's sake?”
“Oh, it was stupid. Shouldn't we rather talk about Hannah?”
“You're my child and that's why I worry about you first, so tell me!”
She sounded quite irritated. Under her T-shirt, I noticed the bulge of her belly for the first time.
“All right, but please don't get upset. Think of my little sister... Well, I punched a hole in the wall. That was all.”
“But why, Jordan?”
“I don't know... I was angry or something... .”
“Who are you angry with? Is it Sean? Because of his girlfriend? I knew this would cause trouble. Jordan, I forbid you to see Sean again as long as he's still with that girl!”
She almost screamed.
“Do you have to repeat my mistakes? And what if this whole thing throws you off track? I'm having the baby in three months, I can't worry about both of you, Jordan! I can't!”
“Yes, Mom, I know. I'll take care of myself. I'll call Dr. Bishop first thing tomorrow. And I'll go to group regularly and I'll talk to Sean. Please, Mom, don't worry. I'll be fine. And Chris, he's a doctor. I can call him anytime. He took care of the hand...”
“Well, there wasn't much I could do. It has to heal by itself. And of course I couldn't give your son painkillers. But I know his file and if I had had the impression that he was heading for a crash, I would have kept him in the clinic. Don't worry too much and above all: think of the baby. Children can feel stress even in the womb. I read a study about it just yesterday...
Hannah came out of the bathroom. She was wearing my shirt and my baggy pants. Her nose was swollen and her arms were covered in bruises.
“Hannah, you look terrible. What happened? Come sit with us. This is Chris. He's a friend of mine and a doctor.”
“Hello Hannah. May I take a look at your nose? I just want to make sure that nothing is broken.”
He carefully felt her nose. She grimaced. I could vividly imagine that it hurt.
“You're lucky. It doesn't seem to be broken. Do you have any other serious injuries?”
Hannah shook her head.
“Are you dizzy? Do you have a flashlight?”
Chris checked her pupils and felt her jaw. Then he seemed satisfied.
“It'll all heal. You don't need to go to the hospital. This time. But you have a lot of scars. This isn't the first time this has happened, is it?”
She just nodded.
“You should get help, there are support groups and you should go to the police. I'll make my way home now. Jordan has my number if anything else comes up. Good night, everyone. Don't worry, I'll find my own way out.”
We didn't talk much more, but went to bed.
The next day, the pain in my hand woke me up around noon. Hannah, Mom and Klaus were sitting in the kitchen.
“Good morning everyone.”
“Good morning...”
“Jordan, what happened to your hand? You didn't hit Steven, did you?”
“No, I didn't know about that yet. It's a long story, let's just eat first...”
“It's not that long of a story. He was angry and hit a wall.”
“What?”
“Yes, I know, pretty stupid... I wasn't thinking and just hit it...
“Well, hopefully next time there won't be a human in front of you by chance. I think I'd better go now. My parents are probably worried about me.”
“Hannah, wait. It wasn't what you think!”
She had already disappeared into the hallway. Just as I was about to follow her, Klaus held me back.
“Jordan, let her go. She needs to calm down first. Please stay here, we want to talk to you.”
“But... does that have to be now? What if...?”
“She'll be fine, Jordan. Come and sit with us.”
Mom had her hands on her stomach and looked almost a bit scared.
“Jordan, there are a few changes that need to be made before your sister is born. Your mother and I want to get married soon, what do you think?”
Oh man, what parenting book did he read?
“I thought as much. It seems logical to me. That's a good thing.”
“Great, I'm glad we agree. Of course, I'd like to live with you and the baby too...”
“Sure, that's part of it...”
“Yes, exactly. And that's why I'd like to offer you to move in with me. Your mother has already agreed...”
“What?! Move out of here? I've lived in this apartment since I was five! Why don't you move in with us?”
“I own the house I live in. And there's not enough space for four people here. With me, you would have a huge room and you could make your music in the basement without the neighbors complaining.”
“Mom!”
“Jordan, please! It's the most sensible thing!”
“And what about my friends?”
“I live in the same school district, and of course you'll stay in the same class.”
“Yeah, but Hannah lives right around the corner and the Zen Bar is here too...”
“You don't even know where my house is! Don't you want to ask me first?”
“All right...”
“104 Brasskott Street.”
My mouth fell open.
“Well, now you don't think the idea is so stupid anymore, do you? Your mom told me that you're friends with the Wittmore boy. His family lives at number 93, as you probably know. It's right across the street. His father is a client of mine. And it'll only take you 15 minutes to get to school. Well, what do you say?”
Klaus was Sean's neighbor? He knew his father? Why hadn't my mom mentioned that before?
“Well, what do you say, Jordan?”
“I don't mind... A music room of my own wouldn't be a bad idea.”
“Good. Your lease expires at the end of the month anyway and your mother hasn't renewed it yet. So you can move in with me immediately if you like.”
“Now you're taking him by surprise! Jordan, we would like to order the movers for next weekend. But if that's too fast for you, we can ask the landlord to give us more time.”
“No, that's okay. But could you show me the house first? Even today?”
“That can be arranged. I have another appointment in a few minutes and I'm playing tennis at five. After that I'll come pick you up. See you tonight.”
“Take care, darling.”
We heard Klaus close the front door behind him.
“Jordan, I know I should have told you earlier that I know Sean. But I thought you would only get upset about the fact that I couldn't tell Klaus the truth about you two.”
“No, that's okay, but wait a minute, you want to tell him at some point, right? I mean, if we live with him and Sean comes over...”
“Yes, of course. It's just that, Jordan, Klaus and Sean's father work together a lot. Klaus does all the tax stuff for the company. And the two are friends in their free time, too. They're almost neighbors. I just don't know how Klaus will react. I think we should approach the whole topic gently so that he has time to get used to it.”
“Oh mom, more secrets? But not for long. Promise?”
“Yes, of course. We'll manage it. I already have a plan. But I'll tell you later. I'm going to take a nap, my legs feel like lead.”
I jumped in the shower and then called Sean, because we were supposed to study chemistry...
“Wittmore residence, how may I direct your call?”
At least I could always be sure, thanks to the maid, that I wouldn't end up talking to Mr. or Mrs. Wittmore.
“Sean, please.”
“I'll connect you.”
“Sean Wittmore.”
“Hey, it's me, I.... ”
“Hold on a second... Thanks, Loraine. You can hang up.”
There was a clear click on the line.
“Hey Jordan, I thought you'd never call.”
“Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. There's been so much going on here. When can you come? I have so much to tell you.”
“I'll be on my way in a minute. Then I'll be there in half an hour. Why do you have to live so far away...?”
I had a laughing fit.
“What?”
“I'll tell you everything when you get here, okay?”
“You're making it exciting. Well, I'll see you in a minute.”
After half an hour the doorbell rang.
“Hello, come in.”
“Hey, Jordan.”
Sean actually gave me a kiss on the cheek.
“How's your hand? Does it hurt?”
“Quite a bit, actually. But I can take it.”
“You poor thing.”
He briefly put his hand on my cheek.
“Where's your mom?”
“She's sleeping. Legs like lead. Must be a pregnancy thing...”
“Probably blood circulation problems... Well, tell me, what was so funny before?”
We sat down on my bed and I started from the beginning. About Chris and Hannah and that Hannah was mad at me.
“Well, you have to give her time first, just talk to her on Monday. But I can kind of relate to it. Hitting the wall is a pretty aggressive move...
“But it wasn't like that at all. It wasn't really out of anger. I just didn't want to have to think about what you and Sara are probably doing right now.”
“That's almost like cutting yourself to forget emotional pain. Really self-destructive.”
“My doctor says the same thing about me. To be honest, I tried cutting myself in the past, too. But then I found an alternative....”
“Drugs?”
“I'm not proud of it. And that's in the past.”
“Well, the thing with the wall was only yesterday... .”
“I know. That was a slip-up. And I'll talk to my doctor on Monday and go to the therapy group regularly on Mondays and Wednesdays again...”
“I think that's good. Maybe, ... if between us, or just as friends, ... what I want to say is: maybe you'll take me to a group like that sometime. That would definitely be good for me to get to know you better. And besides, I'm also interested in the methods they use and so on. I've borrowed a few books...”
“What kind of books?”
“Well, specialist books... on psychiatry and stuff. About the causes and treatment of addiction and stuff...”
“Really? Because of me?”
“Of course you were the reason, but I'm also interested in the topic.”
“That's really... nice, really. I think I'd like to take you with me sometime.”
We looked at each other for a few seconds.
“You still haven't told me what was so funny on the phone.”
“You'll be surprised! When Hannah had left, Mom and Klaus told me that they want to get married before the baby is born. And we're supposed to move in with Klaus at his house.”
“Wow, that's big news. What do you think?”
“At first I thought they were crazy. But then Klaus told me where he lives.”
“And? Where does he live?”
“Closer to you than we are... .”
“Ah, so you thought that was hilarious.”
I grinned from ear to ear.
“He really does live very close to you... at 104 Brasskott Street.”
“What? That's almost next door! But that can't be! I thought that's where... Wait... Mr. Kamsky? My father's accountant? Isn't his name Klaus? Isn't he dating your mom?”
Sean turned pale.
“Does he know about us? Does he know? He's playing tennis with my father today! Jordan...!”
He held me by the shoulders and looked at me, panic-stricken and pleading.
“Sean, calm down. My mom's not stupid. She hasn't told him yet.”
“That's why she looked so familiar! I've seen her at his place many times when I picked up documents for my dad!”
“Yes, she recognized you. Sean, don't get worked up. We'll break it to him gently. You'd better be happy...”
“You want to tell him that? But if he blabs to my father, I'm dead!”
“Sean, don't overdo it. We won't do anything without your consent, okay?”
“...yes... This is really a huge coincidence. I'll have to digest that first... You'll be my neighbor soon. We can just stop by. And I no longer have to explain to my parents why I'm traipsing across the district to explain chemistry to you... And you'll get to know each other. Mr. Kamsky often has dinner with us. He'll bring you along, of course. Oh God, I can't even imagine it! Your mom and the stuffy guy! And if you hang around at our house, no one will be surprised and when my parents are out we can cook together. And... finally, when I'm sick, I won't have to have the assignments faxed because you'll be passing our house anyway. And anyway, we'll have the same route to school and can walk together! So many possibilities! Jordan, it'll be wonderful!”
Sean gave me an exuberant hug and kissed me on the forehead.
“When are you moving?”
“The movers are coming next weekend.”
“Before the fall break? That's great, my parents are staying with my sister! I'll have another party and I'll tell my parents that I don't need Loraine and we'll have the whole house to ourselves.”
He was as happy as a child. It was great to watch.
“Oh, it's getting late! We should probably crack open the chemistry book, you don't want to get a F in your report card. That's not appropriate in your new neighborhood!”
He winked at me, flipped open the book and started to explain the orbital model to me.
At half past six, we heard my mom start to make dinner in the kitchen.
“I thought she wasn't feeling well? Shouldn't we help her?”
“She doesn't let me in the kitchen when she's cooking anymore since a little incident with a burning oven mitt. I wouldn't be much help to her anyway, not only because of the cast, I have no talent at all. And I'm half Italian. They say the men are the better cooks there... Well... .”
“I don't know... I'm half Irish and I like cooking. Do you think it would be okay if I helped her?”
“Would it be okay? I think she'd be as happy as a pig in slop. I'll stay here with the chemistry book. I have a feeling I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. I'll definitely be the next Albert Einstein!”
“Except that Einstein was a physicist...”
“Of course!”
Sean patted me on the head and went to my mother in the kitchen.
Of course, I didn't stay in my room, but sat in the hallway within earshot.
“Good evening, Mrs... your name isn't Bonanno like Jordan, is it?”
“No, Mason, but call me Carol.”
“Can I help you, Carol? I love to cook.”
“Really? Yes, of course! Grab a knife and chop the carrots. I'm making homemade Bolognese. It's the only meat dish that Jordan likes to eat. He's always low on iron. Because he was so pale, people at school kept asking me if he was sick.”
“You look a little pale too. Are you taking iron tablets?”
“Yes, my doctor has prescribed some. I'm just a bit tired.”
“When is the due date?”
“On January 10th. I still have 12 weeks to go.”
“Well, more than two-thirds are done. Your belly is still very small anyway...”
“You know your stuff. Do you want to study medicine or something?”
“No, I think I'll do business administration. Medicine is just a hobby. Last year my sister had a daughter. I picked up a few things.”
“Business administration? Do you want to join your father?”
“Well, it's the obvious choice. You can earn more in business than you can as a doctor. And my father doesn't have to leave the company he built to some investors who will exploit it for maximum profit.”
“Yes, that sounds reasonable. But you still have time until spring when the university applications start.”
“Yeah, sure... So, shall I chop the onions?”
“Please do. The trick is not to breathe through your mouth while you're doing it.”
“Really, I didn't know that.”
“And what does your friend want to study?”
“Sara? She was born to be an economist. She watches the stock market news every evening. I think she already owns entire corporations, she's always buying or selling her stocks. My father is very impressed by that.”
“And you?”
“Well, I can't do anything with that.”
“But you want to study business administration?”
“I think I was breathing through my mouth after all. I'm going to go wash my face.”
I made sure to get back to my room. It was unbelievable what my mom got out of Sean.
“Hey.”
“Hey, what's up?”
“I just want to quickly wash my face. I cut onions.”
“The trick is not to breathe through your mouth.”
“No kidding. It's just not that easy when I have to answer your mom's questions at the same time.”
“Is she grilling you? Is it really bad?”
“No, no, she's not the first mom to interrogate me. She's definitely more polite and subtle than Sara's mom was back then.”
I had definitely heard that name too many times tonight.
“I'm sorry, that was really insensitive. I just wanted to say that I think your mom is nice. I'll get back to the onions. And this time...”
“...my mom will ask you a million questions again and you'll keep crying.”
“That's probably how it'll go. What won't you do for...”
He trailed off, looking as if he had inadvertently let slip some important secret. I almost felt a bit sorry for him. He really wasn't making it easy on himself.
“It's okay, Sean, I know what you mean. Go to your onions. I'll be right there.”
I wanted to give Mom a moment with Sean and then went into the kitchen.
“Ah, spaghetti Bolognese! That smells good. You're not just cooking it so that I eat meat, are you?”
“Well, Jordan, how calculating do you think we are? Could you set the table, please?”
She turned to Sean.
“Never let him near the stove unless you have good fire insurance...”
“Mom, I was 14 at the time! You should start trusting me a little more again.”
“Oh, setting the table is the most important task of all!”
Klaus arrived right on time for dinner.
“Hello, I'm back! Oh, how that smells! Sean! You here? We were just talking about you today. Did Jordan tell you the news yet?”
“Yes, earlier. I'm looking forward to it. So far, no one from my class lives in my area.”
“You have to thank me. At first, Jordan didn't really want to. But my offer of a private music room in the basement finally convinced him.”
“Really?”
Sean smiled at me meaningfully.
“I've never heard him play anything.”
“Really? He's really talented on the guitar. Jordan, would you play something for us after dinner?”
“That might be difficult with the cast...”
“Oh, I'd forgotten that. That reminds me: you won't be much help carrying the moving boxes.”
“Oh, I'd be happy to help them, of course. That's what neighbors are for.”
“That's really nice of you, Sean.”
The two of them had tons to talk about throughout the entire meal. They mostly talked about tennis or people from the company. I thought it was great that they got along well, and my mom gave me a “see, it'll work out” look, too.
Sean and Klaus cleared the plates.
“Pregnant women and invalids may remain seated.” ”Jordan, do you still want to see the house?”
“Sure, I can't wait.”
“Well, let's go then! Sean, I think we're heading in your direction.”
In the car, Klaus talked non-stop about his tricks at the net and how he always managed to beat Sean's father at least 6:3; 6:2. Apparently, Mr. Wittmore quickly became irascible as soon as he was one game behind. That's why, according to Klaus, he was his own worst enemy when it came to sports.
We drove past Sean's house and turned into a driveway.
The garden was huge and the house was not small either.
“Well, I'll be off then...”
“Don't be silly, come inside. You can help Jordan choose a room. His sister will have to take whatever he leaves.”
The entrance area was open plan, so you were practically already standing in the living room. Everything looked very friendly. The kitchen was huge and there was a separate dining room. There were also three bathrooms, which meant I had one to myself again. Actually, I even had an entire floor to myself, because Klaus's bedroom and a bathroom were on the second floor. On the first floor, there was a study, a bathroom and two huge bedrooms, one of which was to be mine. I found it strange that the rooms were completely empty. Any normal person would use so much space...
Mum and Klaus left Sean and me to explore everything on our own.
“Do you wonder why everything is empty here?”
“Yes, it's kind of strange...”
“His wife and two sons were in a car accident two years ago. He finally had the rooms cleared out and renovated six months ago. The whole house, in fact.”
“I had no idea about that. That must have been terrible for him!”
“Yes, he regularly came to our house for dinner after that and talked to my father for a long time. They had a lot in common. My brother died of leukemia when I was just a baby. He was 12. I think my parents had me after Jacob was diagnosed.”
“Oh Sean, I don't even know what to say...
“It's okay, I didn't know him at all. Now, you better think about which of the two rooms you want.”
“I don't know, they're the same anyway...”
“Yes, the rooms may be the same, but the view is not. From the room over there, you look directly at the street. From here, you can see the edge of the forest during the day. And there's a small canopy down there. I could well imagine that you could climb up here at night if you wanted to...”
Sean smiled mischievously.
We looked at the basement, then I was completely satisfied. Klaus casually mentioned that he also had a pool. Amazing!
I made an appointment with Sean to study chemistry the next day.
At home, my room suddenly seemed really small. A bigger bed would fit in the new room. I spent half the night making plans in my head about where things would best be placed.
Sean arrived promptly at two. Again he greeted me with a kiss on the cheek.
“Hey, so are you ready for round two, Einstein?”
“Ha ha, you just grin, that'll pass when I get the Nobel Prize.”
Sean could explain complicated things very simply. In the few hours I probably learned more than in all my chemistry lessons at school put together. Sean helped Mom prepare dinner again. I was allowed to set the table again. The mood was cheerful and exuberant. I just sat back and enjoyed how well Sean got along with Mom and Klaus at dinner.
“Eat at least a little of the meat! You look thin...”
“Mom, I've gained about 10 kilos in the last year. I don't think I look thin...”
The old song. We had this conversation on average every other evening.
Sean looked at me worriedly.
“If you've gained 10 kilos, what did you look like last year? You can't weigh more than 65 now, can you?”
“68. Don't you start too.”
“If you won't listen to me, at least listen to Sean! Do you want me to look for old photos? Is that what you want?”
“Here, I'm eating a piece of meat, see? Man, that's bound to have done it now. So, happy? Can we leave it at that?”
The two of them finally gave in and cleared the table. I had the feeling that there was a conspiracy going on here. Suddenly I wasn't so sure if I liked the fact that Sean got along so well with Mom and Klaus. After dinner, we discussed possible exam questions. Klaus offered to drive Sean home. But of course he didn't want to be a burden to anyone since Klaus was going to stay with us tonight. He insisted on walking. I suggested that I at least accompany him for a bit.
“You don't have to do that... .”
“I know, but I want to get some fresh air anyway... .”
“All right.”
We strolled past Hannah's house and I remembered that she was still mad at me.
“Do you want to ring her doorbell?”
“I don't know. Maybe on the way back.”
There were many cars in front of the Zen Bar. On Sundays it was usually reserved for private parties. I noticed that most of them were limousines.
“I forgot. Susi's uncle is celebrating his 40th birthday today. My parents are there too.”
“Your parents are going to a nightclub owner's birthday party?”
“Yes, now he's a nightclub owner, but before that he worked for my father. Besides, the Zen is considered a decent club. Why do you think my parents never give me trouble when I go there?”
Another “I'm scared of my parents” thing... I wondered when he would get rid of that. Then I realized that I didn't really know how old he was. In the class there was everything from 17 to almost 20.
“Say Sean... how old are you actually? I mean, you're already 18, aren't you?”
“No, I thought you knew? I'm one of the youngest in the class.”
Swallow.
“Okay... no, I didn't know that. And when will you be 18?”
“Well, next weekend. That's why I'm having a party.”
“Thank God... .”
“What? Are you already afraid of being charged with statutory rape?”
Sean grinned from ear to ear.
“Don't worry, if that got out, you wouldn't live to see your trial anyway. My dad would find you before that happened...”
His tone was sarcastic, but you could tell that the thought didn't seem so far-fetched to him.
“Besides, I don't think it's enforced that strictly. You're only just over 18, aren't you?”
“Are you kidding? I'm almost 20!”
“Really?”
“My birthday's in January.”
“Oh... well, still.”
“You know, I've been there before. Shortly after my 18th birthday, they wanted to get me for a 16-year-old. Fortunately, she said that we only kissed and then I fell asleep.”
“But that wasn't true, was it?”
“I don't know, I couldn't remember anything after we left Zen...”
“Seriously? That's crazy... Tell me, how many girls have you slept with?”
“Sean... you don't want to know that...”
“Yes, really. I can handle it... 5... more? 10? Even more? Really? Come on!”
“34 that I can remember... plus about 10 unreported cases.”
“!!”
“Sean, say something! You wanted to know.”
“Yeah... wow... that's a lot... .”
Sean seemed really shocked. I tried to save the day:
“It's possible that I counted a few twice.”
That made things worse...
“What?! How can you not be sure who you've slept with and who you haven't?”
“By being high! Sean, it didn't mean anything. It was like eating. When you're hungry, you just grab a snack. You don't think about it.”
“Wah, I don't want to hear it anymore!”
“I'm sorry... But should I have lied?”
“And what about diseases? I mean, do you think about protecting yourself when you're high?”
“Mostly...”
“Mostly? And have you been tested, or should I go to the doctor?”
He seemed a little hysterical.
“Sean! Calm down first. Think! How could you have gotten infected, hm? And of course I got tested, several times, for everything. Nothing. I'm healthy, okay? You can read it yourself, I kept everything.”
“Me, ... okay.”
“Good, everything okay again?
“I think so. It's just... I didn't expect such a big number. It's a shock. I mean, you were number 2.”
“You can't see it that way. You can consider yourself number 3. I've only had something like a relationship with two girls.”
“Okay... and how old were you the first time?”
“Do you really want to talk about this anymore?”
“Yes. I like to know every truth, no matter how uncomfortable. As long as it's the truth.”
“All right. 13. You?”
“Almost 15. After that, I got together with Sara. On my 15th birthday.”
“Really? That means you guys are celebrating your three-year anniversary this weekend.”
“I guess so, yeah... on Halloween.”
“It's going to be a great party. Do you really want me to come?”
“Jordan! It's my birthday! You have to be there, I want you to be the first person I see when I turn 18. After that, everything will be different. I'll get my own car from my parents. And I want to talk to them again about going to medical school. And I want to talk to Sara too. I know it's a lot to ask, but I'd like you to be there, even if you have to put up with me and Sara. Please.”
“Sean, how long is this going to go on for?”
“I'll talk to her. But not on our anniversary, I can't do that to her.”
“But she'll probably want to take advantage of the occasion and your parents' absence...”
“I'll think of something. She's put me off for three years, I can do it for a week. Trust me, Jordan.”
I didn't seem to have any other choice.
When we turned into his street, I said goodbye and made my way home. I decided not to ring Hannah's doorbell anymore, but to concentrate on the chemistry exam the next day, in the first hour.
Sean
At school, we spent most of our time with the whole gang. Sara was strangely hyper and affectionate the whole week. She wanted to make out all the time. Hannah gave me a piece of her mind about it. I should make up my mind, she said. She asked if I didn't care how Jordan felt about it. It was easy for her to talk; I just behaved as expected of me. I didn't want to look suspicious. I began to wonder if Sara suspected something, because suddenly she wanted to go camping with me over the weekend. In October and just before a few important exams. That alone was reason enough to cancel. Jordan got wind of it and the whole thing culminated in his broken hand. That scared me. My smallest actions had such a strong influence on Jordan's state of mind.
The next day, he told me that his mother's boyfriend was my father's accountant and that they would be moving in with him, making them my immediate neighbors. I initially had mixed feelings about this, as you can imagine. It meant new risks, but also a lot of new opportunities.
When we were choosing rooms, I told Jordan about Klaus' family and my brother Jacob. Jordan and I actually still knew very little about each other. I realized that the next day when Jordan was quite surprised that I was not yet 18 and I learned that he was almost 20. What he said about his sexual past also surprised me, to say the least.
Jordan
The exam went really well. The questions almost seemed too easy. From the first break, everyday life had returned. The clique sat together, Sean and Sara were flirting a little apart. Susi talked about her uncle's birthday and that “Ash of the Phoenix” had played there, a locally quite successful band that mainly played covers of the great rock bands of the 80s. The word had obviously got around about what had happened to my hand, because nobody asked any questions. Actually, everything was as usual and I just didn't look in Sean's direction. This time, something else was bothering me. Hannah didn't give me a second glance.
“Hannah, can I talk to you?”
“I don't want to talk to you.”
“Then at least listen to me. You have to know that I would never hurt you...”
“Yeah, that's what Steven said.”
“Hannah, I'm not Steven. I'm honest with you. That's the only reason you know about my mother. She has forgiven me, can't you do the same?”
“And what about your hand? What if a person had been standing there instead?”
“I didn't hit the wall because I was angry. I hit it because I was desperate.”
“I see. So you just wanted to hurt yourself? Then it's not that bad. You're really quite broken, Jordan!”
She turned to leave. By now the whole clique was watching us.
“Wait!”
“Jordan, let her go!”
Sara held me back by the arm. I looked at her in amazement.
“Jordan, you don't understand what's going on, so just let her go.”
“What do you know about it?”
“I know that Hannah is my best friend and that she was distraught when she came to my door on Saturday and told me everything.”
I looked at Sean, who was standing behind her and had turned as pale as death.
“And... what did she tell you?”
“Well, for example, that you once hit your mother when you were high. And that you punched a wall in anger at something and broke your hand in the process.”
Pah, she didn't know anything and I told her so.
“Well, at least I have eyes in my head and see what's going on around me!”
“What do you mean?”
“Don't play stupid, you must know what I'm talking about!”
I looked at her in amazement.
“I'm talking about the fact that Hannah has fallen in love with you!”
“What? Nonsense! We're friends, nothing more.”
“I think she sees it differently...”
I was completely taken aback. My mom had also hinted at something like this. Was it possible that I only had eyes for Sean and therefore no longer noticed what was going on around me?
“That... but she knows...”
I bit my tongue.
“Did she really say that?”
“She didn't have to say it, it was obvious.”
Everyone nodded in agreement. It was all getting too much for me, I had to get away to clear my head. Sara followed me.
“Jordan, wait!”
“Please leave me alone.”
“But where do you want to go? Recess is almost over, we have music!”
“So what? I'll just take some time off.”
“Hannah wouldn't like that! Now wait, come on, the others have art anyway, come on, come with me.”
She hooked her arm around mine and pulled me towards the music room.
We sat on the floor in front of the room for the rest of the break.
“So, do you like Hannah too?”
“Of course I like her, but not like that...”.
“Why not?”
“What do you mean, why not? You don't choose your feelings!”
“No, but there are reasons for them anyway. You're friends with her, so you think she's nice. There's no doubt she's pretty, and she doesn't have a boyfriend anymore, so what is it?”
“Well, I still have feelings for Steven, I can't shake that feeling.”
“Maybe, but you know as well as I do that he would quickly get over her if you showed an interest. Hannah just doesn't want to be alone. So, what's stopping you? I thought you had a thing for her. At Sean's party, you were pretty into her. What's changed since then?”
“I don't know, now we're friends. And I don't want to risk that...”
“Oh come on, that can't be all! Have you met someone in the meantime?”
“Yes, that too...”
“What, seriously?”
“Actually, yes...”
“Does Hannah know?”
“Yes, of course.”
“That's not like her at all, wanting to interfere in other people's relationships. Hm, maybe you should talk to her about it later...”
The gong freed me from the interrogation. I had preferred it when Sara ignored me. She even sat down next to me.
“How was your weekend with Sean?”
“What…?”
“Well, your chemistry crash course. Do you feel like it helped?”
“Oh, yes, the exam went well.”
“Well then it was worth postponing the camping trip. It would probably have been a bit cold anyway...”
I thought each of my words three times over in my head so that I wouldn't say anything wrong. I tried hard to follow the lesson, but she kept whispering to me anyway, waiting for an answer.
By the end of the lesson, I was a nervous wreck. I was constantly afraid that she would see through me.
That afternoon, I had an appointment with Dr. Bishop. I told him about Sean and the events of the last few weeks. He still advised me not to get involved in anything until I had at least a year clean. Especially since the situation was so messed up, he advised me to end it before it really started. He was also worried about the move, since it meant stress and I should rather concentrate on graduating from school. When I told him what had happened to my hand, he wanted to have me committed. But I was able to convince him that the worst was over and that I would attend group sessions regularly. He also made me spend an additional hour with him each week. The group session started right after that and lasted until half past seven, when I made my way home. I still wondered whether I should stop by Hannah, but had no idea what I should say to her. So I preferred to make my books. It was before the fall holidays yes finally still an English exam.
That too passed without incident, Hannah ignored me and I only saw Sean from a distance. Our move and Sean's birthday were getting closer and closer. During the course of the week, I packed my things in boxes. I actually found a few pills that I flushed down the toilet without hesitation.
On Friday before school, the movers arrived. The new bed was supposed to be delivered to Klaus's house by the afternoon. But it wasn't. Well. In the evening, most of the boxes were still in the living room, where the moving company had left them. A complete mess. I was glad that I was able to go to Sean's around seven to help him prepare for the party.
“Hey, you're the first.”
Once again, he greeted me by kissing me on the cheek after closing the front door. This seemed to be becoming a habit, which I liked.
“Do you have your costume in that backpack?”
“Costume? No, that's your present.”
“I'm getting a present from you?
“Actually, several. One for now and one for later. The first one is more for the general public and, to be honest, from my mom. Brownies. But I licked the bowl. My mom says that's the most important job.”
“Brownies? I haven't had those in years. Tell her thanks from me. And thanks to you, too. Your mom is right. If the bowl isn't licked properly, all the brownies are only half as good. I'm so excited. I don't even know why. I mean, it's not like I'm suddenly going to grow up at midnight tonight... is it?”
“Well, it took me a while after that... Um, you're not serious about the costume, are you?”
“Of course, it's a Halloween party after all. But don't worry. We'll find something for you upstairs. I've got a whole chest full. That's just the way it is when you have a Halloween birthday party every year.”
“Oh man, fine. But I'm not going as something embarrassing!”
“We'll find something for you. Come on!”
He took my hand and dragged me upstairs to his room. When I entered, all the memories of the night I spent with Sean in this room came rushing back to me. He must have guessed what was going on in my mind.
“I know how you feel. When Hannah and Sara left and I came in here, I felt the same way. I didn't want to leave. Come on, take off your clothes.”
“What?”
“Here, I think I've found something suitable. You're a born vampire. Try it on.”
“Somehow it's weird to undress in front of you.”
“Oh, should I rather wait outside?”
“No, nonsense! It's just weird, usually I have no problem undressing in front of other guys. But I just can't quite categorize you, you know? I don't know either. Everything physical between us seems to me to be a taboo... I can't explain it either.”
“Come here.”
He seemed to understand what I meant, because he kissed my neck, thus establishing that there was no longer any taboo. Then he took off my sweatshirt. I held back because I wasn't sure what exactly he had in mind. When he pulled my T-shirt over my head, I was relatively sure what he wanted, even if it came as a surprise.
He pulled himself together and turned around to give me a long black shirt. I couldn't hide my disappointment. Then he bit my neck.
“I promise you'll get more of that. But not until I'm 18. Otherwise they'll arrest you for drinking underage blood or something. Only four and a half hours to go. I'm going to the kitchen. Will you come down when you're ready? Face paint is in the bag, as are the teeth. And your cape is over there.”
And with that, he was gone. Woah. The vampire couldn't wait for the clock to strike midnight...
Sean had been right. I was doing really well as a vampire. When I was done, the doorbell rang. Sara had arrived downstairs. I waited another two minutes and then went to join them. Sara was dressed as a businesswoman, in a gray pantsuit, bun and yuppie glasses.
“Hey Jordan! Wow, dark!”
“Thanks. Actually, this belongs to Sean.”
“But you never wore that, did you, darling?”
“It didn't suit me very well...”
“What are you supposed to be?”
“Oh, Jordan, there's no need to ask. He's been dressing the same way for years. As a doctor.”
“I'll go change too, then.”
Being alone with Sara was almost even less comfortable than seeing her with Sean...
“So, how's the move going?”
“One disaster follows another. The place is full of boxes, I can't find anything, and my bed still hasn't been delivered. I'll probably have to sleep on the floor tonight...”
“I'm sure there'll be a bed for you here. ... Well, if I do the math, it would probably mean that you'd have to share Elisabeth's room with Hannah. I think the rest are occupied by couples and Willie is sleeping on the couch. By the way, where is your girlfriend? Is she coming too?”
“Who said I have a girlfriend?”
“Well, you did! So it's not going to work out with Hannah?”
“Well, yes, that's right.”
Damn it. That was exactly what I had feared. Why was I sometimes so... gnargh!
Sara looked at me in amazement. Fortunately, before she could ask any more, Sean came down the stairs in surgical clothing. He had an axe sticking out of his shoulder.
“Well, that's something different, isn't it? What are you looking at?”
I looked from Sean to Sara and back again. I couldn't even answer...
“Oh, the sight of you is just really shocking and all the blood.”
“Yes, isn't it? It's raspberry syrup.”
Why hadn't she followed up but covered up the situation in front of Sean?
“I'm going back to the kitchen. Could you get the drinks from the cellar?”
I followed Sara down the stairs, suspecting that she was about to take me to task.
“Jordan, can you please explain this to me? On Monday you tell me that you're with someone and today you don't know anything about a girlfriend. That doesn't make sense...
“No, I was just in a daze.”
“Unless...”
Uh oh...
“You never actually said you had a girlfriend...”
BANG
I didn't know what else to do and dropped a bottle. That was enough to distract Sara from her thoughts for now, or at least keep her from saying them out loud.
Sean came running over immediately, almost as if he had been waiting at the top of the stairs...
“Did someone hurt themselves?”
“No, I am so clumsy, I'm sorry. I hope that wasn't expensive wine...”
“No no, don't worry about it. Now put your plaster in a safe place. I'll clean this up.”
Sara still looked at me skeptically...
“No, I'll clean it, I'll manage. You can go upstairs.”
I couldn't hide down there forever, but maybe I'd be lucky and the first guests would arrive and distract Sara from me...
Sure enough, the doorbell rang soon after. I heard Susi's squeaky voice.
“You don't know who I am? I'm the biggest lady in the movie business, Susan Philipps. And these are my bodyguards.”
Willie snorted audibly. Good, that would keep her talking for a while. I joined the others in the lobby.
“Hey Jordan! You didn't dress up at all!”
Uhuhu, Susi obviously didn't feel too bad about this perennial favorite.
“Hey Susi, neither do you. Gosh, what a dress.”
She was wearing a red, backless evening dress and a matching feather boa.
“But you have something on your face.”
I pointed to the beauty spot she had painted on, whereupon she threw back her boa and made a skillful exit with her bodyguards. She came back immediately and collected her applause.
“Well, now only Hannah and Tanja are missing. Then we can eat.”
Just then the bell rang and the nurses “Hanny & Tanny” were standing at the door. At the sight of the skimpy gowns, the bodyguards whistled through their teeth, which earned Alex a nudge in the ribs.
There were three different Indian dishes with saffron rice. Sean told me which one was vegetarian. I tried them all anyway and found one more delicious than the other. Soon the other guests arrived one after the other and the house became more and more crowded. I had almost finished my bottle of Martini when I noticed that Sean was only drinking orange juice.
“Hey you, soon-to-be birthday boy! I've got your number! There's no alcohol in your glass! What's going on?”
He pulled me into the kitchen and whispered,
“I don't want to blame anything that happens tonight on the alcohol.”
He quickly kissed me on the cheek and went back into the living room.
“Sean, wait! You have white paint on your lips. I guess it rubbed off on you...”
“What? ... Is it gone now? Man, that was close. Thanks.”
And just like that, he was gone.
On the couch, I ran into Hannah, and this time she couldn't avoid me...
“Hey...”
“Hey.”
“So... there really are a lot of people here...”
“Jordan, are you really trying to make small talk with me?”
“Not really, but I don't know how to ask you what I want to ask...”
“If I can give you a tip: just ask.”
“All right. Hannah, do you feel more for me than friendship?”
“To be honest, I do...”
I hadn't expected her to admit it so quickly and was initially stunned.
“Jordan, I know you're really into someone else right now, but face it. That person is taken and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon, considering what I've heard... Oh, this is really stupid. Do you want to step outside so I can talk openly?”
“Sure...
“All right, Jordan, I'll be honest: Sean is not good for you, and believe me, I'm an expert on men who aren't good for you. He doesn't deserve you and he's definitely not going to break up with Sara any time soon. I, on the other hand, am free and unattached. And I would do you good. We get along so well, you and I. Can't we at least give it a try? If it doesn't work out, we can just be friends again, I promise. Well, what do you say?”
At first I didn't say anything. Then, at some point:
“Hannah, I really like you. And a month ago, this would have been the best thing that could have happened to me. But now everything has just changed. I don't want to lose you as a friend, but I want to try with Sean, even if it won't be easy. And I think he wants the same. Please don't be angry, I can't help it, that's just how I feel.”
“Whatever you say...
I could see from her face that I had hit a raw nerve.
“Hannah, please don't be sad. You're way too good for me anyway. And soon you'll find someone else...”
“Save the pitying act. Run into your misfortune, but when you're in the shit, don't count on me.”
“Hannah...”
She was gone.
I urgently needed Sean...
“Sean, can you help me in the basement for a minute? I can't manage with the cast...”
“Sure...”
Downstairs, in the dark, I told him what had happened. He immediately understood how close I was to breaking point and put his arm around me in comfort.
“Jordan, it's going to be okay, I promise. Hannah often reacts impulsively. I'm sure she's already sorry for what she said.”
“I hope you're right...”.
“Yes, you'll see. Come here.”
He put his hand on the back of my neck and pulled me towards him. Our first kiss in ages. He pressed me against the wall and felt for my piercing with his tongue. It felt like the room around us was dissolving. Soon I couldn't tell how much time had passed since we started kissing. I just felt his tongue as it snaked around mine.
“Sean, it's... oh, sorry, I thought... What?! Oh my God! Oh my... .”
Sean had pushed himself away from the wall immediately, but it was too late.
Tanja had apparently come around the corner silently. Even though it was almost completely dark, her reaction left no doubt. She flipped on the light.
“What the hell?”
“Tanja, it's not what you think, we...”
“You've got white and black make-up all over your face. I think it is what I think.”
“All right, maybe. But please don't say anything to Sara, okay? Please!”
“Sara is my girlfriend! I can't keep something like that from her! And you, Jordan, you push your way into our circle of friends and do nothing but cause trouble! But that... I can't think of anything more to say. Do you really want a three-year relationship on your conscience?”
“If anyone is responsible for this relationship, it's me. And I'll tell Sara the truth, but not on our three-year anniversary. And neither should you. That would make everything worse than it already is. I'll talk to her soon, I promise.”
“I'd advise you to do that. Now you should wash your face. It's almost twelve.”
She steamed off, not really silently this time.
“Sean, I'm sorry...”
“What, it wasn't your fault. Sooner or later something like this was bound to happen.”
“But the stupid Dracula make-up...”
“...I talked you into it. Come on, let's wash up and get upstairs.”
Upstairs, everyone had gathered in the living room. It was actually only two minutes to midnight.
Sara hooked her arm around Sean and asked him if everything was all right. Hannah was nowhere to be seen.
“Where is Hannah?”
“Do you really care? She locked herself in the bathroom.”
The countdown had begun.
“10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Happy Birthday to you...
The whole room, full of monsters, heroes and other characters, started singing the song. I managed a quick glance at Sean before he was engulfed first by Sara and then by everyone else, with hugs, congratulations and the like. I decided it made more sense to check on Hannah first.
The door to the bathroom on the first floor was locked.
“Hannah, are you in there?”
I heard a soft sobbing.
“Hannah, open the door, please!”
“Get out!”
“I can't! You're my friend! I can't just walk away. Please, let me in.”
After a few seconds, the door lock was turned.
Hannah was standing there, her mascara all over her face from crying.
“Oh sweetheart, come here.”
I took her in my arms.
“Don't cry anymore, it's a party. Come on, let's get you cleaned up first.”
I gently dabbed her face with a wet paper towel. She looked at me. I realized that she was almost as tall as me, including her shoes. Then she kissed me.
I pulled back.
“Hannah, I can't do this. I'm sorry.”
She looked over my shoulder. I turned around to see what she saw.
Sean was standing in the doorway. I couldn't read his expression.
Before I could say anything, Hannah beat me to it.
“You win, Sean. But if you treat him badly, I'll make your life a living hell.”
With these theatrical words, she left the bathroom and Sean locked the door behind her. He didn't seem angry or anything.
“Are you okay, Jordan?”
“You're asking me? Yeah, it was just a surprise... and I hate having to hurt her.”
“I know how you feel. That's exactly how I feel about Sara. But we can't please everyone, can we?”
I suddenly understood what Sean must have been going through these past few weeks.
“Sean, I'm sorry that I pushed you so hard and that I didn't understand you better.”
“It's okay, you were right, I had to decide. And I chose you. And now I want my birthday kiss.”
And he should get it.
“I like your piercing... .”
“I already noticed that... .”
“And where's my present?”
I pulled an envelope out of my pocket.
“Here.”
He eagerly opened the envelope and pulled out two bus tickets to L.A.
“We're going to L.A.?”
“Yeah, if you want to...”
“Of course I want to. I've been to the city a few times, but I've only really seen the airport and some company buildings. Going to L.A. with you will be great! We can explore the city together, Hollywood, the movie studios, UCLA...”.
“It's funny you should mention UCLA. I was talking to Chris, the doctor, remember? Anyway, he went there and a friend of his works at the medical school, the David Geffen School of Medicine. Don't be mad, but I told him that you were considering studying there and this friend offered to show us around...
“You did that?”
“I thought it couldn't hurt, but we can also turn him down if you want...
“No, no! I think it's great, really! Thanks, that's a great gift.”
He gave me a kiss.
“We should show our faces downstairs again sometime...”
Nothing exciting happened for the rest of the evening, but when most of the people started to make their way home and it was time to assign the beds, things started to heat up again. Willie had fallen asleep on the couch, which was intended for him anyway, after his Tanja had left, which made me very happy. Hannah had apparently drowned her frustration in vodka and was hanging over the toilet bowl. Sara was with her. Susi and Alex naturally wanted a room together, so they retreated to one of the three bedrooms.
Sara came out of the bathroom, it was now half past four.
“I think Hannah will need a while longer. I'll stay with her. It makes the most sense if she gets the master bedroom, it's closest to the bathroom. You guys go ahead to bed, I'll probably sleep with Hannah, just to be on the safe side. I'm sorry, honey, but we still have a week to go before your parents come back.”
She kissed Sean on the lips and disappeared back into the bathroom, where distinct choking sounds could be heard. Sean looked at me and I knew exactly what he was thinking. His room was ours for the rest of the night.
When it slowly dawned around six, we started making plans for L.A. At some point Sean asked
“And where are we going to sleep?”
“I was just talking to a friend who's been living near LAX for a year. We can stay with her.”
“Really? You have a friend in L.A.?”
“She used to live here, so...”
“Why are you looking at me like that? Wait a minute... you had a thing with her, didn't you? She's one of the 45, huh?”
Sean didn't seem annoyed, not even confused. Just curious.
“Yeah... actually she's one of the Big Three, if you will. I practically lived at her place back then...”
“So what happened?”
“She moved to L.A. to get away from the old folks and get clean. And she did it. She used her parents' money to build a stretch limo and now she drives the rich and famous around the city.”
“When was that?”
“A few months before I went to the clinic. The total crash started back then. We were together for a year and a half.”
“That's crazy... and you really want to spend the night here? With me? I mean, does she even know...?”
“Sean, of course I told her who you are. And jealousy or anything like that was never an issue between us. Everyone could do what they wanted... .”
“Are you saying that...?”
“We slept with others too, yes. That was normal for us.”
“Do you want to be with others now too?”
“No, for God's sake! Those times are over! And it only worked because the drugs made us not think about it. Don't worry about it. You're enough for me. I mean, just tonight, that was... wow.”
“Yeah, me too. We still have a little time before the others wake up...
He pulled me towards him. Our clothes had been lying next to the bed for a long time. He kissed my neck first, then moved lower and lower, to my belly button and even lower.
“Sean, you don't have to do this if it's weird for you...”.
Apparently it wasn't...
Around ten Sean took a shower first, followed by me. With the plastic bag wrapped around the cast, it took me a little longer. When I was done, I heard trampling in the hallway and then met a pale Hannah, who asked me cynically:
“Well, did you have a good night?”
“Yes, thank you. I take it yours wasn't so great?”
“Not really, no. Much to Sara's chagrin and fortunately for you lovebirds...”
“Shh, Hannah! Are you crazy?”
“Don't worry, Sara and your lover are already downstairs in the kitchen preparing breakfast. Sara wants to go to her favorite restaurant with Sean tonight and then seduce him here. Well, what do you think?”
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Well, so you can see what you've gotten yourself into. Or do you really still believe that Sean will decide to break up with Sara by tonight? On her three-year-old?”
“At least he won't sleep with her, not today and not ever.”
“A typical case of rose-tinted glasses. He can't think of a reason to string her along for the rest of the week. At some point, he's bound to give in.”
“That's why we're going to L.A. on Monday.”
“Please, you're doing what?”
“That's right. We're going to check out the city and the university and spend the night at a friend of mine's place.”
“And what are you going to tell Sara?”
“That has nothing to do with her!”
“Yes, of course it does! After all, the two of them had planned to spend the whole vacation together. Sara's parents aren't around either. Didn't you know that?”
“No...”
“Well...”
In the kitchen, the table was already set with all kinds of breakfast items. Sean was even frying bacon and eggs.
I sat down diagonally opposite Sara.
“Morning...”
“Good morning, Jordan. You don't look like you slept very well. Was Sean not a good bed partner?”
“Yes, I don't know, somehow I couldn't find any peace... I hope my bed has already been delivered. Then I'll take another nap in it later.”
Hannah looked at me with a “Oh please, I'm about to throw up” look.
After breakfast, Hannah and I set off. Sean walked us to the door. Stupid situation.
“So...”
“Yes... um... great party.”
“Thanks... and thanks for the gifts.”
“Sure... you're welcome.”
“Well, then...”
“Are you off soon?”
“You're welcome to go ahead.”
“No way, I'll watch it later.”
I could understand that Hannah was annoyed, but slowly she started to get on my nerves.
“All right. Well, I'll be next door then.”
“Yes, I'll definitely call you later today.”
“Okay, see you then.”
“See you. Bye Hannah.”
My bed hadn't been delivered at home yet. Sleeping on the couch was also stupid because Mom and Klaus were moving boxes in and out of it. So I ended up in their bed. But I didn't care about that either. When I woke up, it was dark again. Sean hadn't gotten in touch yet. It was half past seven. Sara's car was no longer in the driveway. I thought about what Hannah had told me. They were probably out eating.
Once again, I sat around and wondered if Sean couldn't be persuaded after all. But there was nothing I could do about it anyway. I cleared out a few more boxes and then went back to sleep, barely two hours after waking up. On an air mattress that Klaus used on his camping trips. Of course, I was wide awake at four o'clock in the morning. I thought about the fact that if everything went as planned, I would be sitting with Sean in a Greyhound bus headed for L.A. in just 24 hours.
I went outside and saw Sara's car in the driveway. Everything was dark in the house. I wondered if I should sneak around the house. What was I doing? When I realized how ridiculous I was acting, I quickly went back into the house and had a cup of coffee. Normally, I would get my guitar out of the closet in situations like this. Stupid cast. So I sat around, turned on the TV and soon turned it off again, stared into space... I might as well have packed for L.A., but I wanted to avoid at all costs having to unpack my suitcases again if Sean canceled on me. And right now, I really believed that this would happen. I took a shower and later I ate some cereal. At eight Klaus came into the kitchen.
“Good morning. Well, did you survive your first night here? I hope the air mattress wasn't too uncomfortable.”
“Good morning. No, I was fine. I've been sleeping most of the last 24 hours anyway. I've been up since four...”
“Really? And what have you been doing all that time?”
“I don't know, time just kind of passed...”
“So, have you packed for your trip to L.A. yet?”
“I'm not sure if it's going to work out.”
“Why not?”
“Sean hasn't given me a hundred percent yet. He and his girlfriend probably wanted to spend the week together.”
“Oh, is the car in the driveway theirs? Well, if old man Wittmore knew. He's pretty conservative about that.”
“Hm. But Sean turned 18 yesterday, you know?”
“That's why he's still his father's son. Well, thank God that's not our concern, right?”
What did he want to tell me?
“Well, Sean is my friend, after all. And I don't think he's getting along well with his father's methods.”
“Well, that's still a fight he and his girlfriend have to fight alone, don't you think?”
“Yeah, probably...
When I still hadn't heard from him by noon, I couldn't wait any longer. After all, I still had to let a few people in L.A. know whether we were coming or not. So I decided to call over. Sara's voice boomed over the phone.
“Wittmore residence, how can I help you?”
“Uh, I...
“Sara, stop it! Give it here! Sean Wittmore.”
“Hey, it's me. I wanted to talk to you about tomorrow.”
“Yeah, I was just telling Sara about the campus tour. What do you want to know?”
“Well, whether I should tell the people now...”
“Of course, what else. Sara is also very excited about it. By the way, we can cancel the bus tickets, Sara offered to drive her car.”
“What? What's going on? What are you talking about?”
“Okay, sure, I'll do that, no problem.”
“Hello, are we talking past each other? What's the point?”
“Okay, I'll pick her up from your place in a few minutes. See you soon!”
CLICK
I couldn't believe it! He wasn't seriously planning on taking Sara with him on our trip to L.A.? I thought I was going crazy! Everyone had tried to warn me. He would never break up with Sara. It was all in vain.
DING-DONG
Klaus opened the door. I heard Sean's voice from the living room.
“Hello Mr. Kamsky, I wanted to see Jordan.”
“Hello Sean, happy belated birthday. Did you have a nice party?”
“Oh, yes of course. It was great.”
“All right, I'll go see where Jordan is. Since he came home from your place, he's been sleeping or staring into space. I hope he's not coming down with something. That would probably jeopardize your trip to L.A. So, excuse me for a moment...”
Klaus came up the stairs, on which I was now sitting. He lowered his voice.
“Jordan, why are you sitting here eavesdropping? Don't you want to go downstairs?”
“Yes, I'll go... .”
“Hey... .”
“Hey, um. Can we go to your room? I need to talk to you.”
“Sure... .”
So that was it. Now he would tell me that he can't break up with Sara, that I can either share him with her or lose him...
“Jordan, I'm sorry about how it went on the phone. I was just about to come over to you. When I told Sara about the trip, she immediately assumed that you had booked tickets for all three of us. And I tried to tell her the truth, but I didn't know how. How could I have explained to her why I really wanted to go alone with you? So I let her believe that she was part of the plan.”
“Great, and you thought I'd go along with that?”
“No, of course not. Now let me finish. The university tour is not until Thursday. And so I just had to make sure that Sara's parents came back on Wednesday. I called my father's secretary to ask her to tell Sara's mom that an important customer would like an appointment with her on Thursday morning. As a result, her parents decided to go home on Wednesday. When Sara goes home later, she'll probably already have the good news on her answering machine. And that means the trip is off for her.”
I was really creeped out by Sean. Such a well thought-out and elaborate plan just to avoid telling Sara the truth?
“Wouldn't it have been easier to just break up with her instead of going to all this trouble?” Hannah's right, you'll never break up with her...
“Don't say that, please. I promise I'll break up with her as soon as we get back from L.A. How can I prove it to you? I know, come with me!”
He took my hand and dragged me down into the kitchen, where my mom was standing at the stove and Klaus was reading his Sunday paper. Sean didn't let go of my hand.
“Mr. Kamsky, I need to talk to you, please.”
Klaus looked up from his paper and didn't seem to see anything unusual.
“Yes, of course, what is it, Sean?”
My mom caught her breath. She stood behind Klaus with her arms on his shoulders, as if she wanted to make sure she could hold him back if necessary. I saw everything in slow motion, unable to intervene myself.
“Mr. Kamsky, I respect you very much and that's why I don't want to lie to you. I'm in love with Jordan and I want to be with him.”
Suddenly he seemed to notice our joined hands. He turned ashen.
“This is a joke, right?”
“No, I'm afraid I'm serious.”
“But... you have a girlfriend, we just talked about her earlier...”
“Yes, that's right. I still have a girlfriend, but I'll break up with her after L.A. I just want to be with Jordan. I understand if they need time to get used to the idea; I felt the same way at the beginning. But I hope they can accept this fact as unchangeable and accept it soon. I respect them very much and I don't want to bring discord into their new family.”
Klaus sat there with his mouth open. Mum stood behind him and smiled proudly at Sean. After a while he had recovered enough to be able to talk.
“But I never thought... not with either of you...”
My mum intervened.
“Darling, it doesn't matter. As Sean said, it's a fact that they like each other, and these ruminations are of no use. I'm happy for my son that he has found someone who stands by him without ifs and buts.”
She came over and hugged us. Slowly, I was able to grasp what Sean had just done. He had confessed to me in front of one of his father's friends. As if he had read my thoughts, Klaus suddenly asked:
“And what about your father? I can't imagine that he knows about it. He's my boyfriend. Do you expect me to lie to him about something so important?”
“No, of course not. I'm just asking her for a little time. I want to take it one step at a time. First, I want to tell my girlfriend the truth. You don't have to lie. I don't suppose my father will ask her about it right away... .”
“Sean, I don't feel comfortable with that....
“I know, me neither. I don't like keeping secrets from him either. But you know my father. It would break his heart.”
“You're probably right. What a day. I'll have to digest this first. But I'm sure I'll get used to the idea at some point. If you're so sure. I really appreciate your honesty. Thank you.”
We crumbled up again shortly afterwards in my room.
“Wow, Sean, do you know what you just did and with so much calm and conviction!”
“Yes....
He looked pale.
“Sean, are you okay? Are you not feeling well?”
“Yeah, it's just... I can't believe it myself! Did I really just do that? I must be crazy! What if he runs to my father and...”
“Sean, he won't. You were great, he took it well, and to be honest, it was the right thing to do. Sean, I love you for it!”
“What are you saying?”
“I think I just said I love you.”
Sean looked at me suddenly very clearly and seriously.
“I love you too, Jordan Bonanno.”
That was November 1, 1997. The first time someone truly confessed his love for me.
The next morning, Sean and I were actually on the Greyhound to L.A.. Everything had gone exactly as he had predicted. We got on the bus at 4 a.m. and would arrive shortly before noon. I was looking forward to finally seeing Nikki again. Sean fell asleep shortly after we got on. His head kept falling on my shoulder. The first few times he noticed and leaned to the other side, but eventually he just stayed where he was. A few people looked over at us, some curiously and some irritated. That was something I would have to get used to. I passed the time listening to music until Sean woke up around eight.
“Hey....
“Hey, so, good sleep?”
“Not too bad. But now, oddly enough, I feel pretty rested. How long was I asleep?”
“Almost four hours. It's eight. Time for breakfast. My mom thought I was starving again and insisted on giving me cheese sandwiches and apples. Do you want some?”
“Sure, I'm kind of hungry.”
After we had almost finished eating, Sean asked me a few questions about Nikki.
“And you were together for a year and a half? How old is she?”
“She's older than me, 21. We met in the Zen Bar over three years ago, she had just moved here. At first, we were just acquaintances who occasionally had sex. After half a year, I had a really bad fight with my mom and I stayed with Nikki for a few weeks. And then I stayed most of the time.”
“So, did you love her and stuff?”
“I don't know. We were very similar, we knew exactly how the other felt and so on. But we weren't really in love with each other. It was more like family, you know?”
“And won't it be weird for you now, with her under the same roof and all?”
“The nice thing about our relationship was its simplicity. I don't think it will be weird.”
His curiosity seemed to have been satisfied. But there was still one thing I had to tell Sean.
“Listen, Nikki doesn't live alone... Josh lives with her.”
“Josh? Her boyfriend?”
“No, her son.”
I looked at Sean to see what he thought.
“Josh is not our son, just her son. He was almost a year old when I met them. He also lived with her back then. He's the reason she went to L.A. to get off drugs.”
“Okay... and you took care of him together? I mean, you were both addicted, right?”
“Yes, and I'm not saying that everything went perfectly, but until the youth welfare office got involved, the little one wasn't doing badly either. We always paid for a babysitter for him when we went out to party and do drugs. We never had anything in the apartment. Josh was very easy to take care of anyway. He never got sick and could keep himself occupied for hours. I'm not saying that it wasn't shit of us to do drugs back then, even though there was the little one, I'm just saying we did our best.”
“Okay, that's weird. You have something like an ex-stepson, that's weird...”
“Yeah, I know. And now that I'm clean too, I'd like to see him more often. I think I'll go to L.A. after school. I'd like to build a band and do some kind of training on the side. Something to do with music and media. That's why I wanted you to check out the campus there. If you study at Firebird, I'll probably hardly see you at all.”
“You've already planned quite a bit. Let's see what's happening in L.A., shall we?”
Shortly before eleven, we were already stuck in the typical Los Angeles traffic jam and didn't arrive at the Airport stop until around noon. I could tell that Sean was now nervous about meeting Nikki.
When we got off the bus, we didn't have to search for long. Nikki had already spotted us. We fell into each other's arms. She looked good. Her hair was long and blonde now. Neither of us looked like we did a year ago.
“Jeez, Jordan, you look so normal! Where are your combat boots? And your hair! Is that your natural color?”
“Yes, and look at you! You look like Barbie! But it suits you!”
“I see, and you must be Sean. Nice to meet you. Even if I am surprised. Jordan, you really could have told me earlier that you like boys. That explains a lot.”
“Really? You'll have to elaborate on that at some point. But right now, I want to see what Josh is up to. Where is he?”
“At my neighbor's. I had another job this morning. I had to drive someone very important to an even more important meeting. You wouldn't believe what I've been through with the limo in the last year. It's over there.”
The limo was really long and looked like the kind of car you see on TV.
“Hawthorne isn't far from here, so don't get too comfortable.”
Nikki actually didn't live in an apartment, but in a nice little house in an equally nice neighborhood.
“That's really... middle-class!”
“Do you think I would let my son grow up in some ghetto? And it's not that expensive. It'll be paid off in 15 years. And here comes my star!”
Josh came running out of the neighboring house and threw himself into my arms with a “Jordan!” battle cry.
“Little one! You've grown so much!”
“I'm already going to kindergarten!”
“Really? How time flies!”
“It's vacation time. Are you on vacation too?”
“Yes, we are on vacation too, that's why we are visiting you and mommy. This is my friend Sean.”
Over the next few days, we visited all the sights and Nikki gave us a tour of Beverly Hills. We strolled along Rodeo Drive, but our favorite part was Venice Beach, where all kinds of artists demonstrated their skills. We liked that, too. On Thursday, we toured the campus and the research buildings of the David Geffen School of Medicine. Sean was thrilled. He was in his element immediately and Tim, who showed us around, encouraged him to study there. That evening in bed, Sean told me that he had made up his mind. This was what he wanted. Now he just had to make his parents understand. During the whole time, we had never spoken about home. Not about Sara and not about Sean's parents. He had called them every day to prevent them from ringing the doorbell at home and finding that he was not there.
We spent a lot of time with Josh, and took him with us almost everywhere. I wasn't sure if it was because of that, but Sean avoided touching me in public. At a party one night, Nikki actually managed to snap a photo of me kissing him on the cheek. When Nikki sent it to me later, I carried it around with me in my wallet, which made Sean terribly nervous.
Our trip to L.A. is one of the most beautiful memories I have at all, even though Sean didn't even manage to hold my hand in public in this cosmopolitan city of millions where no one knew us.
On Friday morning, I said goodbye to Josh with a heavy heart and promised to come back in the summer and live close to him in the fall. He shed a tear and buried himself in his mom's arms. Nikki was also visibly depressed.
“Hey, Nikki, don't look like that, I'll be back. Take good care of my little one and of yourself too. I'm really proud of you and what you've achieved.”
“Oh, Jordan, and don't come back if you don't want to... Now go, the bus will leave without you. Sean, I'm glad I met you, now I know that my Jordi is in good hands...”
“Ew, don't call me that!”
On the way home, Sean was unusually quiet. In the last few days, he had always been very carefree and romped around with Josh. Now he stared out the window and hadn't said a word in half an hour.
“Are you all right?”
“Yeah, yeah, it's just... these have been great days. I wish we didn't have to go back yet.”
Were there actually tears in his eyes?
“Sean, I liked it too, but this was just the beginning. Once everything is settled at home, then...”
“Yeah, once everything is settled. But think about who has to settle it!”
His voice sounded quite angry.
“I'm sorry, but I'm helping you as much as I can.”
“How? Do you want to break up with Sara for me? Or give me $180,000 for medical school? How exactly can you help me, huh?”
“Sean, damn it, that's enough! None of this is my fault, so don't take it out on me, okay? I'm here for you before you talk to Sara and after. And the same goes for the conversation with your parents. That's all I can do and I feel bad enough about it already, so please….”
He seemed to understand, because he gently placed his hand on my knee.
“It's okay, I'm sorry. I'm just scared. I'm scared shitless that Sara will go to my parents for revenge if I tell her the truth. And I'm scared I won't get into UCLA. I'm scared of losing you if we live six hours apart by bus and I'm scared of living with you in L.A.. I'm just scared of everything right now...
“I know, but I guess that's the price. Look, Sara's nice. I wouldn't put it past her. And about the money: you have fantastic grades. You'll definitely get a scholarship and we can raise the rest if need be. Not every medical student has a rich father. With part-time jobs and student loans, we can manage on our own. I'm here for you, Sean. You don't have to go through anything alone anymore, I'm with you...
“Thank you. Really, I'm very grateful to you.”
He quickly kissed me on the cheek and then looked furtively in all directions.
Sean
I had only known Jordan for a few weeks, but I was sure I was in love with him. Everything seemed to be wrapped in cotton wool, nothing was really bad as long as I had him with me, and this feeling continued during the next few days in L.A. Jordan told me about Josh, which once again made me realize how much more life-experienced he was. During the few days there, I just didn't think about home. I knew I had to break up with Sara as soon as possible, to finally get it over with. We had our own room at Nikki's house. Even though we always fell into bed totally exhausted and got up early to experience as much as possible, it was still great to fall asleep next to Jordan and wake up next to him. We still talked briefly about the day and that was something I had never shared with anyone before.
The highlight was, of course, the campus. The David Geffen School of Medicine was even more amazing than I had imagined, both in teaching and research. My decision to study there was made. One thing in particular stuck in my mind. We were all together at the pier and Jordan and Josh were romping around. Nikki suddenly looked at me quite seriously and asked how Jordan was doing. What do you mean, I asked. She wanted to know if he slept well at night, if he ate regularly, if he got along with his mom, what had happened to his hand, if he was sometimes sad. I was surprised by these questions and answered them as best I could.
The return trip was pretty bad for me. I had enjoyed my time there so much and at home I would have to break up with Sara immediately. I had been putting this off for so long. For over a year. But now it was just no longer an option. And sooner or later I would have to tell my parents about my study plans. I would have to tell my friends about Jordan and me, otherwise Sara would surely do so. I couldn't hide from everyone.
Jordan
Klaus picked us up from the bus station at home. Mum had already cooked. Sean got nervous again soon. We retreated to my room.
“Everything okay? You look quite pale.”
“I agreed with Sara that I'll come to her in an hour.”
“Oh and then you want...?”
“I just want to get it over with, yeah. I still have to shower and stuff at home. You coming with me?”
“Sure.”
“Home sweet home. Come on.”
“Where?”
“In the shower.”
He dragged me up the stairs to the bathroom on the first floor. He didn't seem nervous anymore when he undressed me. I was glad to be able to do at least a little to make him feel better.
“When will your cast finally come off?”
“It'll be a few more weeks yet...”
“I'll get a bag. I'll be right back.”
After we were dry again, Sean almost had to leave.
“Will you wait for me here?”
“Here, in this house? Alone?”
“Please.”
“Sure, no problem. It's probably not that bad. Sara probably already suspects that something is wrong. And if you don't feel comfortable about it, you don't have to tell her the whole truth.”
“But I owe her that. And half of her friends already know anyway. What if she finds out from someone else? No, I'll do it today. Just be there when I come back, okay?”
“Of course. I'll be here. Take all the time you need. And if anything should come up, call, okay? I love you, Sean.”
“I know, see you soon.”
I didn't know what to do in the strange house, so I turned on the TV. After two hours, I slowly expected Sean to return. It had also become dark. Another two hours later, he still wasn't home. I wondered more and more what was happening. Before I got worked up about something, I decided it would be better to lie down. But I couldn't get to sleep. With every minute that passed, I became more and more worried. What could possibly take so long? At midnight, I gave up hope that Sean would come home at all today. I actually counted sheep. At 1255 I decided to let it be. I turned on the TV again. At one o'clock I wondered what I could do. Nothing. I couldn't call and ask when Sean would come to bed with me. And I couldn't go home either, because maybe he would come after all. It was Friday, after all, so I would be at the Zen Bar like everyone else. Wait a minute, everyone? But those two had hardly gone to the Zen Bar. Why? Sean had probably told Sara the truth right at the beginning. Unless they hadn't been alone. What if Tanja or someone else had already been with Sara? What would Sean have done then? He would have had to behave normally. That had to be it, they were in the Zen Bar, for sure. But what did this realization get me? I couldn't very well show up there. On the other hand, the others would probably be wondering where I was. But how was I supposed to get there? It used to be less than a 10-minute walk, but now it's more like 40. It would be doable, but what if Sean showed up at home in the meantime? But I really wanted to go, I couldn't stand just sitting around anymore. Klaus was my only chance. But could I ask him in the middle of the night? I decided to at least stop by home quickly and sure enough, the living room light was still on.
“Jordan, is that you?”
“Yeah, I... I need to ask you a favor...”
“Spit it out!”
“I know it's a lot to ask, but could you maybe give me a ride to the Zen Bar? I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important.”
“Sure, I can do that. But I would like to know what's going on.”
“I'll tell you in the car, okay?”
“Good.”
“So?”
“Sean went to Sara's this afternoon to break up with her. He hasn't come back yet and I just can't stand sitting around anymore. It's Friday night, I know it sounds absurd, but I think they might be at the Zen Bar. It would take me too long to walk there, and we might miss each other. So...”
“Okay, I see. Then I'll wait in the car while you see if they're there.”
“That would be great, thanks.”
Bang was standing at the entrance.
“Hey, do you know if Sean is here?”
“Yeah, the whole gang is here. I was wondering where you were. Is everything okay?”
“Actually, no, never mind. Did something happen or something?”
“No, what do you mean?”
“Can you do me a favor and get him out of here? Please?”
“Yeah, hold on, I gotta tell my colleague first.”
A few minutes later he actually came out with Sean in tow.
“Hey...
“What are you doing here?”
“I'm sorry, I couldn't stand sitting around anymore.”
“I'm glad you're here. I would have called you, but somehow... ”
“It's okay. I just needed to know you were okay. I'll be gone in a minute. Klaus is waiting in the car, I can't keep him waiting any longer.”
“You can come home with me.”
“Really?”
“Of course. Come on, let's go tell Klaus.”
“Ah, you found him.”
“Yes, so you can go, thanks again.”
“No problem. Have a nice evening.”
“So, what happened?”
“I broke up with her. She took it well and she wanted us to tell everyone together. And we did that. I thought we could maybe say the rest together?”
“Now?!”
“Why not? Most people already know anyway. Just not Willie, Lisa, Linda, Marie and Susi.”
“And Sara.”
“Of course.”
“Wait a minute, I'd like to talk to you about that.”
“What?”
“What reason did you give Sara?”
“Well, that I'm going to L.A. and she's staying here and that we won't see each other anymore. And that I'm no longer happy in the relationship. Just the truth.”
“But you didn't say that you have someone else?”
“No, not yet.”
“I don't know, it's a big difference whether you're no longer happy or you've already found someone else. That's what makes it so final.”
“But it is final. I don't want her to still have hopes.”
“Yes, you have to tell her, of course. But maybe not in front of everyone. That would make her look like the dupe in front of them.”
“I hadn't thought of it that way. What should I do?”
“Go outside with her and talk to her. I'll wait for you here. And depending on how it looks then, we can tell the others if you still want to.”
“I'm really glad you're here. Thanks. Well, let's go and join the others...”
“Hey Jordan, where did you come from all of a sudden?”
“Somehow I only just realized that it's Friday evening.”
“Sara, can we maybe go outside for a bit?”
“Sure.”
When the two of them had gone, Susi grinned.
“I knew it, now he's coming crawling back. He probably just wanted to finally get Sara to sleep with him. Oh, Jordan, you didn't even realize it. Sean broke up with Sara today.”
“I know that. We were just in L.A. together, remember?”
“Ah, so that's where he cooked this up. Then you probably also know what he's trying to achieve?”
“What he's trying to achieve, what's that supposed to mean? He just doesn't want to be with Sara anymore. He realized that's not what he wants. What else could he be trying to achieve?”
“Well, we'll see.”
“Indeed.”
Tanja kept looking at me in disbelief.
“Come on!”
“What?”
She dragged me outside by the arm.
“You must be very pleased with yourself.”
“What do you mean?”
“You've done it. He's broken up with Sara. So what happens now? Are you his girlfriend?”
“I really don't need to listen to this.”
“Yes, you do. Sara is totally devastated. And Sean will be too soon if someone finds out about you two.”
“Well, first of all, Sean said that Sara took it well... .”
“Yes, of course. She won't tell him that to his face, but she will tell me!”
“Anyway, what do you mean, if someone finds out? Sean wants to tell you all the truth later. Why do you think he wanted to talk to Sara again?”
“You're not serious, are you?”
“Yes...
Her look was really frightening.
“Where are they?”
“I don't know, around the block or something, hey, where are you going?”
“He can't just blurt it out like that. That'll do her in.”
“Just wait for me!”
She jogged around the next street corner. I caught up with her soon.
“What are you planning?”
“To stop him from telling her, if he hasn't already.”
“But why?”
“Don't you get it? She was so upset today that she's capable of anything. And if she also finds out that he cheated on her with a guy. That's insane. And who knows what she'll do then.”
Suddenly we heard shouting from somewhere ahead of us.
“That must be them, then it'll be too late.”
We saw them around the next corner.
“Don't touch me! You're a pervert!”
“Just calm down!”
“No, oh my God, your poor family! Haven't they been through enough? Do you have to do this to them too?”
“Leave my family out of this!”
“Little Mr. Goody-Two-Shoes is a fag, well that'll end your father's political career!”
“Not if no one finds out.”
“Oh, so you're a cowardly fag, are you? This just gets better and better! How could you do this to me? To think I almost slept with you! Disgusting!”
“Now that's enough. Sara, damn it. What difference does it make?”
“Should we ask your father what difference it makes?”
“Don't you dare!”
“Oh, now you're scared, huh? Mr. Wittmore, your son has found himself a junkie lover!”
“Don't call him that!”
“Oh, are you defending your new girlfriend now?”
“Damn it, Sara, how can you be like that?”
“How can you be like this? I never want to see you again and when I've told the gang, you won't need to come back.”
“Sara, you can't do that, stay here!”
“Or what?”
“Please, think!”
Sean spoke urgently to her.
Tanja and I had pushed ourselves into a niche and had seen everything without being noticed. I felt so damn sorry for Sean. The desperation and pure panic were written all over his face. And all because of me. It was all my fault. Tanja, who I had completely forgotten, whispered something to me.
“Now you see what you've done? Jordan, you're crying.”
“I'm so sorry. I didn't want any of this to happen. I just wanted Sean to be okay. I love him so much. I didn't see any of this coming. I just want him to be happy. What am I going to do, Tanja?”
“I know you didn't mean it to happen. Jordan, shhhh! They'll hear us. Stop crying, come on.”
I tried to pull myself together.
“Best I just disappear back into the hole from which I crawled. Tell Sean that I'm sorry. And tell the others that it was my fault. Sean was just... confused, but now everything is back to normal. I just want him to be okay. He's better off without me.”
“Wait, where are you going?”
At that moment, the sound of a resounding slap was heard, causing Tanja to come out of her hiding place and run to the two of them. What had happened? Sean hadn't hit Sara, had he? He would never do that.
“Damn it, Tanja, what are you doing here?”
“I thought... I thought you had hit Sara.”
“Well, you thought wrong and would you please leave us alone now?”
“But why, she can stay here. You know, Tanja, Sean fucks Jordan. You're amazed, aren't you?”
“I know...”
“Excuse me?”
“Sean, your lip is bleeding. Sara, I saw them together last week, that's how I know.”
“And you didn't tell me about it?”
“It was Sean's job to tell you about it. Otherwise I would have only made it worse. Sara, there's nothing you can do about it and it's not your fault. Do you want me to take you home? You can also sleep at my place if you want.”
“Yes, I can't stand it here anymore. Let's go.”
“I'll be right behind you, I'll at least give Sean some tissues. You can get our things out of Zen.”
For some reason, I stayed in the alcove even after Sara had left and listened to what happened next.
“Here, this is bleeding quite a bit.”
“Thanks. I don't mean the tissues. It's good that you were there. I didn't know what else to do.”
“Are you sure?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you sure that the whole Jordan thing is worth all this?”
“I've never been so sure of anything in my life.”
“So you don't regret it? Wouldn't you rather he just disappeared so you could blame everything on him and get on with your life?”
“No, of course not, that would be the worst thing that could happen. I... I love him, you see? I never expected something like this myself, but that's just the way things are. As long as I know I'm doing it for us, I'll get through this shit. Why are you asking me all this?”
“Because I think he needed to hear that. He's hiding back there in the entrance. I'm going now. One more thing: I've been friends with you since elementary school. And I'll continue to be your friend, okay?”
“Thanks, Tanja.”
Sean approached my alcove slowly. By now I was sitting on the floor.
“Jordan...
“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault.”
“No, it's not. The way Sara behaved is entirely her fault. And I'm so glad I found you, so don't ever apologize for us again. We love each other, there's no need to be ashamed of that. Come here. You look terrible.”
“Your lip doesn't look good either. She really got you there.”
“She finally showed her true colors. I'll never be able to forgive her for what she said. ... We should go to Zen. She's probably already told the others everything. That's fine with me. I'm going to find out who my real friends are now.”
He looked quite determined.
The whole gang was standing at the entrance, apparently they all wanted to go home. Sara and Tanja were standing there too. But it didn't look like they had already dropped the bombshell. Susi was the first to speak again.
“Sean, what happened to your lip?”
“Nothing, I must have bitten it...”
“So, you bit it. Not really, I gave it a smack.”
“What, why did you do that?”
By now everyone was listening.
“Well? Do you want to, or should I?”
Tanja dragged Sara a few meters away.
Hannah came over to me and took my arm.
“The moment of truth, huh?”
Alex also looked for my gaze.
Sean stood very erect and looked straight at his friends.
“She slapped me because I told her I was in love with someone else.”
“What? With who?”
“With Jordan.”
“Did you all hear that, yeah? Willie, Alex, watch out!”
“Sara, don't be ridiculous.”
“If anyone's being ridiculous here, it's you and your lover, of course.”
“Actually, I don't care what you think about it, I just wanted you to know.”
Susi was visibly shocked.
“That's a bit much for me now... That's... yuck.”
Alex let go of her hand.
“So you think my brother is... yuck too? Good to know.”
“I didn't mean it like that, I... ”
“All right, save it. I don't give a damn who Sean falls in love with or sleeps with, and you guys shouldn't care either. What's your problem?”
Willie was quite red in the face, for a moment I thought he was about to hit one of us. Then he walked away without saying a word.
“Honey, wait!”
With that, Tanja ran after her boyfriend. Linda just said that she and the other girls had to go home now. Sara went with them, not without giving us another disgusted look. Only Hannah, Alex, Susi, Sean and I remained. It all seemed rather unreal to me.
“So what now?”
Sean looked questioningly at his friends' faces. Alex looked quite confident.
“You have to give them a little time, it'll be alright. Telling the truth was the right thing to do. And a true friend is happy for you.”
“But what about Sara?”
“She'll calm down too, I'm sure.”
“I don't think so. The things she said and the look in her eyes when she hit me...”
“It doesn't sound like Sara at all.”
“I know, Susi, I'm totally shocked myself.”
“Will someone take me home?” Hannah asked.
Everyone answered at the same time, ”Of course.”
So we headed towards Hannah's apartment. Susi seemed puzzled.
“Why isn't anyone asking any questions? Am I the only one who's surprised?”
“Hannah and I already knew.”
“What? How long?”
“For a while...”
“Wonderful. Any more secrets?”
Sean grinned.
“Well, I've decided to go to UCLA Medical School after school.”
“And what does your father say?”
“We'll see.”
“He doesn't know anything about anything, does he?”
“No, but I'll talk to my parents about going to medical school when they come home.”
“And that you're gay...?
“First of all, I don't think I'm gay. Jordan is the only guy I'm interested in. And I think after today, enough people know that for the time being. I'll take more time with my parents, or what do you think, Jordan?”
“Absolutely.”
“Okay, but you guys are together now?”
Sean looked at me.
“What do you say?”
“Are you asking me out?”
“Something like that. I can also give you a note at school with options to check off if you prefer.”
“If I said no now, it would have been a lot of fuss about nothing, huh?”
“Indeed. So you better not say no.”
“Then I guess we're together now.”
Sean smiled at me, then took my hand. So we walked on.
“Just for the record, it's now Saturday, November 8th. So you know when to celebrate your anniversary.”
“Thank you, Hannah. What would we do without you?”
Sean
Soon after we got home, I went to Sara's. We went up to her room and sat down. She didn't give me a kiss hello. Of course, I didn't know how to start. Then she asked me point blank.
“Are you breaking up with me?”
Yes, I said, and that I wanted to explain it to her. I had decided to study in L.A. and she would stay here. So we wouldn't see each other anymore anyway, and a long-distance relationship was out of the question for me. She asked me if I wasn't happy with her anymore. I lowered my eyes, which was answer enough for her. I had expected tears or anger, but instead she resigned.
“All right, as you wish. But we'll tell the clique together. Tanja will be over soon and then we're going to Zen. I want us to tell them together that we've decided to call it quits.”
I agreed. Of course, I couldn't just quickly call Jordan to let him know. Sara's dad called me downstairs; he was trying his hand at being a handyman again and wanted to move the fridge to get to the pipes behind it. Tanja came soon after and went upstairs to Sara. After half an hour, Sara's dad dismissed me again. The girls were just wondering what to wear.
At Zen, we told everyone that we were no longer together and Sara emphasized that this was a mutual separation. Susi, in particular, was visibly shocked, but eventually the evening went on as normal. I wondered if I could maybe slip away to call Jordan. Everything had gone so well, I just wanted to continue in the same way and tell the others about us. In retrospect, that seems pretty naive. Anyway, I remembered that Jordan would have to walk, and that would take about 45 minutes, so I dismissed the idea. At some point, the bouncer came up to me and said that Jordan was waiting outside. Perfect.
Luckily, Jordan didn't quite share my enthusiasm.
Then I went outside with Sara to tell her. The things she called me and the way she looked at me with such disgust, and then she punched me in the face with full force. She was like a fury and in that moment I knew that I would never tell anyone again unless I absolutely had to.
When I saw Jordan sitting on the floor in the entrance niche, totally convinced that it was all his fault and he was totally desperate, I realized what Nikki might have meant. He seemed too upset, but I didn't think about it any further. I had to get to Sara first. She was already with the others and wouldn't hesitate to tell them about it. I was really glad that at least Hannah and Alex already knew. Susi was shocked, Willie disgusted. The others didn't react at all.
Jordan
When we came back to Sean's house, it was already late, but Sean didn't look any more tired than I did. He sat down on the couch and gestured for me to sit with him.
“I think we should talk.”
“Sure. What do you want to talk about?”
“About us. I mean, we've only known each other for two months and we've only been talking for a month. Everything has happened pretty fast and it's been a constant up and down. I just want to talk to you about everything in peace for a change.”
“Aren't you a little late for that? I mean, you just broke up with your girlfriend because of me.”
“No, I was planning on breaking up with her before I even met you. Of course, what happened between us was the reason to finally get it over with. But I just feel like you and I have been fighting for what we wanted all this time, but we never asked ourselves, or at least I never asked myself, if this is really what I want.”
“You're scaring me, Sean.”
“No, don't be afraid. I just don't want to slip back into something that, before I know it, has gone so far that I no longer have a choice. I want to make my choice consciously this time and not just let myself be drawn into something, do you understand?”
“I think so. I mean, all of this is incredible. If someone had told me about it two months ago, I would have thought they were crazy.”
“Exactly. And I would like to finally process that. I have so many questions for you.”
“Go ahead!”
“Well, for example: are you gay?”
“Whether I... I don't know. I think you're great. Physically, too. I've had really good nights with you. But I don't go around checking out guys or anything. I'm really into women, you know?”
“Yes, obviously. With over 40 conquests... That leads me to my next question: I asked you about the number of women you've slept with. But what about guys? Do you have any experience with them?”
“No, not at all. I kissed one guy when I was 14. Just out of curiosity. But nothing else.”
“So you weren't prepared for that to happen? At my first party, I mean.”
“No, of course not. Did you get the impression that I planned it?”
“I wasn't sure. I mean, you didn't really hesitate. And even afterwards, you weren't freaked out or anything.”
“Oh yes, really, I was totally shocked. It wasn't quite as bad for me as it was for you, because I didn't have to deal with the burden of keeping a secret from a friend. It was a surprise, but it wasn't necessarily a bad surprise. But now it's my turn to ask.”
“Yes...?
“Well... that night. How do you think it would have gone if Sara hadn't suddenly stood in the door? I mean, what was going through your mind, what were you planning?”
“I've thought about that too. I think I would have run away. That's why I got dressed.”
“But why?”
“Are you kidding? That was the most intense thing I've ever experienced. And not just physically. I just knew in that moment that it was more. Not just a drunken mistake. The week before, I knew we would become friends. But I didn't expect it to go in that direction, not until you let go of me so abruptly. It was only then that I realized that I don't just want you to comfort me. And then you kissed me. And I was so glad about it. All these feelings came over me. And you looked at me as if I were the most fascinating thing you'd ever seen. And everything just felt so right, everything happened all by itself. And then it was suddenly over and reality hit me. There I was, completely naked in bed with another guy. I panicked. It all seemed like a movie, it couldn't be true. But it was real. And when I realized that you would expect me to talk about it or something, I just wanted to get away. Pretend like nothing happened. Pretty cowardly, I know.”
“Is that why you weren't at school?”
“Yes, and I panicked when you were standing there with the homework. At that point, I already knew that everything would change. I was already lost, I couldn't fool myself. The following weekend at the zen bar, I wanted to make one last attempt to prove to myself that I could also decide against it. I ignored you as much as I could. You know how it went from there. And the next day, when you told us your story... Jordan, that was... incredible. From then on, I was sure that you and I belonged together. But the price was so high. I didn't want to betray Sara. I thought that if we were just friends, it would be best for everyone. But every time I looked at you, I wanted to kiss you. I couldn't do that yet, especially because of Sara. I was such an idiot. And then you ran away and I was so scared. Jordan, since that night I know that I love you. I know that you are the one person for me. I'm sure of it. I know we didn't know each other well yet, but I just knew.”
“I know. I felt the same way. I didn't even recognize myself. Normally, I don't claim ownership of people. But seeing you with Sara was almost unbearable. I'm glad that's over now.”
“Yeah, me too. And to put it in Susi's words... Are we together now?”
“What does being together mean? I mean, will you introduce me to everyone as your boyfriend? Are we supposed to go to the spring formal together? Are we supposed to walk around holding hands?”
“No, of course not....
“Then what does being together mean?”
“I don't know either. It means that I don't want to date anyone else. And that I ask you first what you want to do on the weekend... things like that.”
“I'd say we avoid pigeonholing. We'll always be honest with each other, be there for each other, have fun together, let no one come between us and love each other. Don't try to put what we have into a box, okay?”
“Okay. I just have one more question.”
“Yes?”
“Isn't it weird for you at all, I mean, making out with me instead of a girl?”
“Of course it's unusual, but I like it. And I don't have a guilty conscience or anything like that, if that's what you're getting at. How about you?”
“Sometimes I do have... feelings of guilt. Or I think about what most people would think of us if they could see us. My parents also go to church and stuff. I was raised Catholic. I think about things like that too...”
“Seriously? No, I don't feel that way at all. I'm at peace with my conscience in this regard. We're not doing anything to anyone. So why should this God object to it? I know that various religious groups do object, but they're all nuts. I realize we'll run into problems if we show what we have in public, but frankly, I've never been particularly interested in what others think of me.”
“Enviable. It will take a long time before I am ready to do that…”
“But you told Klaus the truth and all your friends, that was the beginning…”
“Jordan, don't push me to go further. I will never be able to be completely open about it, and certainly not while I'm still living here in this backwater.”
“But how do you imagine that? We can't just hide at home forever.”
“No, but that doesn't mean we have to be so obvious about our relationship.”
“Okay, I don't know how you imagine it, but it doesn't have to be resolved today. We should think about getting some sleep.”
“Yes, you're right, let's go upstairs.”
Sean
Until our big talk, I had assumed that he had been with guys before, but I was quite surprised when he told me that I was the first. We finally talked about how we felt and I realized that Jordan felt the same way I did. Except for the fact that he couldn't seem to wait to tell the whole world about us, whereas after the events of the day, I would have rather never told anyone again. Anyway, I considered us to be a couple from that day on. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but think in terms of labels.
Jordan
The next day, we decided not to go to the others in the Zen, but rather to spend the evening at Sean's. We dug out the dustiest videos from his collection and soon no longer paid attention to the plot of Waterworld, but were completely focused on each other.
“Wait, Jordan, not down here. Let's go upstairs.”
“Why? Your parents won't be back until tomorrow afternoon.”
“Still, I feel better upstairs.”
“Okay... if you say so, come on.”
I pulled him impatiently up the stairs to his room and onto his bed. When I wanted to unfasten his belt, he held me back.
“Wait.”
“What is it?”
“Do you want to do it right this time?”
“You mean...”
“Yes.”
“I don't know, I mean, sure I want it. But I don't want to ask you to do something I wouldn't do myself. And I'm not ready for that yet. That's why I think we should take our time with this. I mean, I like what we're doing. Don't you?”
“Yes, I completely agree with you. I just wanted to make sure you didn't lack that or something.”
“No, and when I'm ready, I'll let you know. So come here, I wanted to return the favor for what you did on your birthday.”
“But don't feel pressured. It's really... whoa woooooah... .”
It wasn't as strange as I had imagined.
Afterwards, Sean looked at me with total bliss and pulled me into his arms. So we fell asleep.
“Good morning, Jordan. I thought you'd never wake up. It's almost twelve.”
“Really? I slept like a log.”
“Yes, my arm fell asleep, but you didn't let it go. You look so peaceful when you sleep, I could have watched you all day, but I don't know exactly when my parents will be back. So we'd better go to your place soon.”
On Monday morning, we walked to school together.
“Have you told your parents about Sara?”
“Yes. They weren't thrilled and couldn't understand it. But they probably have no choice but to respect my decision.”
“How do you think the others are behaving?”
“I don't know. I don't think we should show up together, at least not until the dust settles.”
“Fine, then we'll just spend the breaks together.”
“But if there are already rumors circulating, then we'd better not be seen together...”
“What are you getting at? Should we just disappear into thin air? ... Oh, no, I should just disappear into thin air, huh?”
“Jordan, I just want to see what the situation is first. Maybe you could just keep your distance...”
Anger welled up inside me. Here we go again. But I also tried to understand Sean. And I was actually used to not having anything to do with anyone.
“Fine, but see that you sort things out quickly, yeah?”
“I'll do my best.”
I didn't talk to anyone for the rest of the day. And it went on like that for the rest of the week. Sean told me that the girls in particular were pretty angry with him, some kind of female solidarity thing. Sara actually tried to get back with him. When he told her exactly what he thought of her, it didn't exactly improve the mood among his friends. Willie seemed to be giving him a hard time too. He announced that if Sean and I were ever seen together, he would quit the clique. Well, it would apparently take a while before I could end my lonely school existence... I wondered why Hannah, at least, didn't eat with me or something.
On Thursday at lunch time, I was sitting in a corner of the cafeteria again, watching Sean with his friends.
“Have the yuppie clique rejected you?”
In front of me stood a girl from the grade below me, who was always dressed completely in black and overdid it with the eye makeup. In short: a year ago, I would have been totally into her. She sat down across from me and helped herself to my food.
“So, what happened? Have the rich kids already had enough of you?”
“I don't think that's any of your business.”
“I hit the mark, huh? And now you're sitting here alone? Why don't you find yourself some real friends?”
“Do you like my food?”
“No meat, I like that. I like you. You're one of us, not one of them.”
“And who's 'us'?”
“My people. They're sitting over there. If you want to join us, just come over.”
She pointed to a group of about eight people, all of whom looked more or less like her.
“I don't think so.”
“Whatever. You can sit there alone, of course, and wait for the snobs to let you kiss their ass again.”
“Don't talk about people you don't even know and leave me alone.”
“Wow, you really like people, huh? Or do you like someone in particular?”
“Just go back to your I'm-so-different friends.”
“Gladly. At least they don't drop me like a hot potato after a month. Why do you keep defending them?”
“As if you really cared. I know people like you. You don't like anyone, least of all yourself.”
“All right, you're really getting worked up. What's going on?”
“Nothing, I just want to eat in peace, is that possible?”
“Okay, I'm gone. But if you ever need someone to talk to, come over.”
At least I never had to make the journey home alone. From then on, Sean and I were inseparable again.
“Willie just can't seem to calm down. And Sara keeps talking about her new lover, I'm sure she made him up. But tomorrow we'll find out.”
“Tomorrow?”
“Yeah, Willie's birthday party.”
“Oh, I see. Then I probably can't count on your company tomorrow night, huh?”
“I'm sorry, but I really have to go. Otherwise Willie will hold that against me, too.”
“It's not a problem. I'm slowly getting used to being the leper again.”
“Jordan, you're not that. Alex and Hannah ask about you every day.”
“Really? That's strange, I'm only five tables away, why don't they ask me themselves?”
“You know that right now would just mean stress.”
“Yes, and that would be very inconvenient for you, huh?”
“I understand that you're angry, but right now there's no other way.”
“All right, forget it.”
The next day, I had another visitor at my corner table. Purple strands had appeared in the black hair overnight.
“What are you doing tonight?”
“What?”
“A friend of mine is celebrating her birthday. Stop by, what do you have to lose? Or do you already have plans?”
“No, but...”
“See? Where do you live? I'll pick you up.”
“I don't think so. Give me the address, I'll think about it.”
“Cotton Drive. I think it's number 56, but you'll hear that later. Don't be surprised, my girlfriend's parents are filthy rich. And you can see that from the house. But the people there are cool.”
“Whatever...
“So I'll see you tonight.”
“Maybe.”
She looked deep into my eyes and then left. This could still be interesting...
Sean wasn't at our usual meeting place after school, so I went home alone. He didn't show up again the whole rest of the afternoon. I didn't see why I should sit at home all evening waiting for him to exercise enough diplomacy with his so-called friends. I might as well go to this ominous party. And so I did. At around ten I was standing in front of a huge house with columns and everything. I heard music coming from somewhere behind the house. Just as I was about to go through the garden towards the noise, she was back and dragged me towards the front door.
“Wrong party. The cool people are celebrating in the basement. Come on.”
In a small room in the basement, ten people were sitting in a circle, smoking pot. Wonderful, so that was their idea of a party.
“Hey guys, Jordan's here.”
Everyone raised their hand in greeting and continued puffing on the three joints that were in circulation.
“So, what do you want to drink?”
“I don't know, what do you have?”
“Look around you.”
Beer and wine, that was all.
“I think I'll have some wine... What's your name, anyway?”
“Summer.”
“How fitting...”
“I hate my parents for it.”
“I can understand that.”
We sat down in a circle.
“So, who's birthday is it?”
A green-haired girl sitting across from me raised her hand.
“Well, happy birthday then...”
“Thanks...”
Somehow no one said anything, no music was playing either, and everyone was staring at the floor a meter in front of them, just waiting for a joint to come their way.
From the right, one was handed to me, which I simply passed on.
“You don't smoke?”
“I've given it up.”
For a while I just sat there. But at some point the silence became really uncomfortable for me, so I tried to start a conversation.
“So, I thought I heard music from the garden earlier on, or was it next door?”
“Minnie's twin brother is celebrating upstairs.”
“I see. And I don't suppose you want to merge the parties?”
“Why would we want to do that?”
“Right.”
“And your friends don't talk much, do they?”
“They only talk when they have something to say. I like that.”
“And what are you going to do all evening?”
“Well, just hang around and smoke pot to celebrate.”
“All right. You know, I just remembered that I promised someone else I'd stop by. Well, I hope you have fun. See you.”
And just like that, I was on my way back upstairs. Summer had caught up with me at the front door.
“Wait, I know we seem weird at first glance, but stay a little longer, they'll warm up to you.”
“Maybe so, but I really have to go now.”
“Then I'll come with you.”
“Excuse me? Your girlfriend is celebrating her birthday down there, you can't just leave.”
“They won't even notice. So where are you going now?”
“Home.”
“That's boring. Come upstairs with me.”
“What?!”
“Come on, we could go to Minnie's room and have our own party. What do you think?”
“Um, thanks for the offer, but... no.”
“Why not?”
“I don't know you at all.”
“Then we'll just get to know each other.”
She threw herself at me and stuck her tongue down my throat. A door opened behind us. Hannah was standing there.
“Oops, I just want to go to the bathroom... Jordan! What are you doing here?”
“He's with me.”
“Summer, cut the crap! What are you doing here?”
“What do you think I'm doing at Willie's birthday party?”
“That's... Oh fuck. I didn't know that. I was just about to leave anyway.”
“Wait, so what are you doing here?”
“I was at the party in the basement.”
“Really? Minnie's goth friends getting high again? How did you end up in there?”
“Like I said, I brought him here. Now go to the bathroom, Hannah.”
“I'm getting out of here.”
“But why? Why don't you go see your old friends?”
“Summer, you have no idea, so don't. Did you bring me here on purpose or what?”
The living room door opened again. Willie would be standing there in a moment and then there would be real trouble. I turned around to the front door to be able to escape quickly.
“Jordan? What are you doing here?”
That was Sean!
“Jeez, you scared me. Summer invited me, I didn't know Willie had a twin sister. I thought it was a different party. I'm almost gone.”
“Oh, okay, I'll come out with you.”
“Me too.”
“Summer... do we have to?”
“Let's walk a bit?”
“Sure.”
“I meant Jordan....
“He's here with me, so I'm coming with him.”
“Really?”
“Summer, what's going on?”
“What, we kissed, after all!”
“You stuck your tongue in my mouth, that's not what I call kissing.”
“I didn't even know you knew each other.”
“We don't.”
“Hey, we've already had dinner together twice!”
“You sat down with me without being asked and ate my stuff away...”
“Anyway, I invited you and you came, didn't you?”
“That's right.”
“Okay, and can you leave now?”
“Sean, charming as always. No wonder Sara dumped you!”
“I broke up with her, okay?!”
“Of course. Whatever you say.”
“Damn it, I don't care, you'll just stay here. Jordan, I'm sorry I didn't get back to you this afternoon. I drove straight here with Willie and helped him with the preparations. I thought I might be able to talk to him about everything again.”
“What about?”
“That's none of your business, stay out of it. Anyway, he's still not nearly calm. Every time I even come close to the subject, he gets red spots on his face.”
“And what do you want to do? I mean, it can't go on like this forever.”
“No, I'll think of something, but I need a little more time, okay?”
“I don't really have a choice, do I? But I really hate it.”
“What's going on? Why all the secrecy?”
“Listen, Summer, can you just go back, please?”
“Why?”
“Just go!”
“No, I'm staying here unless you can give me a reason.”
“All right. Jordan, I hate this too, but what can I do? Tell me!”
“I don't know, I... I, man, Summer, go away!”
“It's all right, Jordan, I know. Come here.”
Sean took my hand.
“Summer, I'm going to kiss my friend goodbye and if you tell anyone about this, your parents will have the photos of your last crash the next day, okay?”
Sean's kisses just got better and better.
“Come home with me.”
“I can't do that yet, but I'll definitely sleep at your place. I'll be there soon, okay? A party's not a party without you.”
He gave me another kiss on the nose and went back to the house. I watched him go, full of admiration. This guy really had done it to me.
“Rad.”
Summer, of course, was still there.
“Save it, okay?”
“What should I save?”
“No matter what. It's best just not to say anything.”
“But I wasn't going to say anything! I'm just surprised, that's all. That explains why you didn't want to go upstairs with me... But Sean? Couldn't you have picked someone nice?”
“Sean is the nicest guy I know, he always wants to please everyone.”
“Are we talking about the same person? Ever since I've known him, and that's practically forever, he and Willie have always been lousy to us. Daddy's darling and model student. And he has a thing for boys. I find that very amusing. What does his father say about it? Of course he doesn't know about anything, does he? Sean has always been good at keeping things from Daddy. Man, this is the best day of my life, I finally have something on him!”
“Are you crazy? Is that all you can say?”
“Actually, yes.”
“You're worse than Sara.”
“Oh, that's why she broke up with me, she found out that her great Sean likes boys...”
“No, he broke up with me. Why am I still talking to you?”
“Just wait. All right, I won't say anything more. I just don't like Sean very much, but I like you. And it doesn't bother me that you're with guys. But why with Sean, of all people? He's like that annoying big brother I luckily never had.”
“What should I say to that?”
“Maybe you could just tell me what happened? Why is everyone avoiding you?”
She walked me home and I actually told her pretty much the whole story.
“Wow, so you guys are really serious, huh?”
“I think so, yeah. At least I am, anyway.”
“So there's no way I can get you into bed?”
“I'm afraid it wouldn't be any use. I really have a crush on the guy.”
“He shouldn't pay so much attention to his so-called friends. Willie is a real jerk. And if Sara really said all that, then she really deserved to be dumped.”
“So, this is where I live.”
“Oh, so you're one of the rich kids too?”
“The house belongs to my mom's boyfriend. I've only been living here for a short time.”
“Well, I'll go back to the others then.”
“Thanks for the ride.”
“Anytime. So I'll see you in the cafeteria on Monday.”
“Probably. Good night.”
“Night.”
I left the key under the mat and went to bed. Somehow I was glad to have someone who wasn't friends with Sean but only with me. I fell asleep relatively quickly and only woke up when it was already getting light. Sean was lying close beside me. I turned to him and kissed him on the forehead. He opened his eyes.
“Hey, I didn't want to wake you.”
“It's okay, I was already awake. I was thinking about last night. Willie has been my friend for so long and I've never been bothered by his stubbornness before. But now he really should start to change. And the girls, especially Susi and Linda, are constantly interfering. I've tried to explain to them that I've wanted to break up with Sara before, and also that it's not just you know... something between us, but something... you know, something big.”
I smiled at him.
“Something huge!”
“I just don't know what else to do anymore.”
“Maybe there's something I can do?”
“I've been thinking about that too. Maybe you could talk to Susi so she can get to know you and see why I fell in love with you.”
“Oh Sean... I think she just doesn't like me, I can't change that, but I'll try to make her understand that we didn't mean to hurt anyone and that you can't choose who you fall in love with.”
“That would be great. So, now to your new friend. Summer, huh?”
“Yes, I know she's a pain in the neck. But I'm glad of any company. And she doesn't judge me for being with you. She doesn't understand how I can like this mean guy though...”
“Summer and Minnie have always driven Willie and me to white heat, you know the story. They wanted to be everywhere and know everything, and if you didn't let them, they would spy on us and tell on us. Deep down, we are something like friends, if only because we have been through so much together, but of course I would never admit that.”
“I see. Well, her friends are really very strange, but I think I'll get along with her just fine. Eating alone is unhealthy, I've heard.”
“Well then, but no more foreign tongues in your mouth, okay?”
“I should hope not. She caught me off guard there.”
At last Sean showed something like jealousy. I liked that. Now we really were together.
We spent the rest of the weekend at my place. We helped my mom with the cooking. I was even allowed to stir something from time to time. Sean and I both didn't really know how to deal with each other when Klaus and mom were around. At some point Klaus brought up the subject.
“Listen, you two. Carol and I know how you feel. In the office, we also have to keep our distance from clients. It can be quite awful. And you have to go through it at school. You don't have to pretend here, okay?”
Sean and I looked at each other in amazement. We were both relieved. From then on, we no longer had to refrain from little gestures now and then. At least not at my house.
Of course I didn't talk to Susi on Monday. How could I have done that? She was, as always, in the middle of the action. I sat down at Summer's table.
“Hey! Glad you could make it to our table!”
Everyone raised their hand again in greeting.
Summer soon engaged me in a conversation about conspiracy theories. Every now and then, someone from the others would even have something to add. The people were strange, but I felt comfortable with them.
Somehow it became common that Sean and I had no contact at school, but instead hung out all the time the rest of the time. At some point I stopped asking how the diplomacy was going. Only on the weekends was it difficult at first. I didn't want to be seen in Zen, but even Summer and the others went there from time to time when they got bored of their basement. My cast came off and it was December. Finally, I could play the guitar again, even though my fingers were still a bit stiff at first. My mom and Klaus finally had a wedding date. On New Year's Eve. 60 people were invited, most of them from Klaus' side, of course. But at some point, Mom knocked on my door when Sean and I were studying math. My grades weren't that bad anymore.
“Hey, am I interrupting something?”
“No, of course not. What's up?”
“I wanted to talk to you about the guest list. I'll be inviting my parents, of course.”
“Yes, I guess that's unavoidable.”
“Unfortunately. Anyway, I was also thinking that it would be a good opportunity for you to see your father again.”
“Are you serious? Anthony at your wedding? Why would you want to put yourself through that?”
“We were at his wedding too...”
“That was 15 years ago! And it was pretty much the most horrible day of your life. What are you trying to achieve, Mum?”
“The Bonannos are family. They should be there.”
“Wait, you're not planning on inviting the whole clan, are you?”
“No, of course not. Just your grandparents, your uncle and your brothers.”
“Mom, don't call them that. I've only met them once in my entire life.”
“Listen, I want them there. And I want to show your father that I haven't completely messed you up. You're fine again and I want him to know that. Now end of discussion.”
And she was gone.
“What was that about? I've never seen your mom be so... authoritarian.”
“Not for a long time, either. Man, what's the point of that?”
“What's so bad about meeting relatives? Aren't you looking forward to seeing your dad?”
“Anthony is an asshole. Smooth as an eel and only out for himself. He'd rather just cross me off the list anyway. When I was five, he got married and started his model family. An Italian woman, three sons, his parents must be so proud of him. My mom and he grew up next to each other. Sandbox love. When she was not even 15, she got pregnant, and his parents insisted that she move away. As devout Catholics as they were, they didn't want the neighbors to know about the sins of their eldest. He often visited us until it came out that he already had a new girlfriend. Then he got married and from then on I only saw the monthly check from him. Well, and when he found out about my drug problem, he actually wanted to take me to live with him, since my mother had failed. I was with him for exactly two weeks, then he sent me back. Now and then he called, but since I came to the clinic, I haven't heard from him. And that's a good thing.”
“I didn't realize how young your mom must have been, I never thought about it. But if she wants to invite him, there's probably nothing you can do about it, right?”
“I don't think he's coming anyway. But we'll see on New Year's Eve. Say, Klaus has definitely invited your parents, hasn't he? I haven't seen either of them around the house or anything. So I guess I'll get to meet them then?”
“Why, you're invited this week too, aren't you?”
“What, not that I know of, when?”
“Yes, of course. Wednesday is my mother's birthday. My sisters are coming and we're having a small dinner. Klaus has always been there, so I don't think it will be different this year. I'll ask your mom.”
And just like that, he was gone. When he still hadn't come back after 10 minutes, I went to check on him. The two of them were sitting at the kitchen table, engrossed in conversation. Unfortunately, they noticed me.
“Hey, are you eavesdropping on us?”
“Why? Do you have something to hide?”
“No, I was just explaining to Sean why I think it would be good if you reconnected with your father.”
“Do you think that not having a male role model is why I'm gay?”
“Jordan, don't be ridiculous! But you need money for L.A. and your father should also see what you've become. I haven't told him that you're clean yet. I wanted to wait until I was sure. He was very worried about you...”
“Don't make me laugh. Do what you want, but I'm not going to kiss his ass for the sake of the money. So, goodbye.”
“Where are you going?”
“Saturday night, Sean, where do you think I'm going? I'm hiding in Minnie's basement so your friends don't have to think about you doing it with boys.”
“You still haven't worked that out?”
My mom looked pretty annoyed. Sean should deal with this all by himself.
Sean
At some point in early December, the date was set for Klaus and Carol's wedding, and the idea arose to invite Jordan's father and family. I thought it was exciting, but Jordan thought it was a very, very bad idea. He told me about his dad quite angrily. He felt abandoned, I could tell. I decided to talk to his mom about it. She confirmed my impression. What had hit him the hardest was that he had moved in with his father for a while a few years ago, but was thrown out after a few weeks.
Jordan
I went to the outside staircase that led to the basement. Summer and Minnie were the only ones there. They were putting on their makeup.
“Hey, where are the others?”
“We're meeting at Zen.”
“Oh no. Why is that?”
“We're going stir-crazy here and we're out of weed anyway. We can drink ourselves to sleep there too. And gossip about the humans.”
“Great, then I'll probably just go home to my guitar.”
“Now stop it. It's about time. Zen is a public club, you're coming with me.”
Actually, they were right. It was about time!
“Absolutely right. I've had enough. They should go somewhere else if they don't like it.”
“Exactly. So, do you want mascara too?”
“No, those times are really over now.”
“You mean you've worn makeup before?”
“Of course. Why are you surprised? Your boys wear makeup too.”
“Yeah, sure. Good, then we can leave right away. We have a bottle of vodka for the road.”
And it was empty by the time we got to Zen. Yeah, I was in a good mood. Just one of you had to come to me. Bang looked at me skeptically.
“Well, do you see yourself again? You're doing well, huh? Your people have already made themselves comfortable in the couch.”
“They're not my people anymore, but thanks for the info. I'll stay at the bar then.”
“Don't cause any trouble, okay?”
“If no one's causing me any trouble, no problem.”
Inside, we took our places at the bar; the others didn't seem to be there yet. I ordered something and emptied it in one go. Summer and Minnie did the same, thanks to their fake IDs. Soon I had to go to the bathroom and who did I meet there? Willie, of course.
“Look at that, I thought I made it clear that sewer rats like you have no place in our circle of friends?”
“As far as I know, this is a public bar.”
“Get lost or I'll wipe the floor with you.”
“Wow, that's a pretty appropriate thing to say for someone of your IQ.”
“Have it your way.”
His fist came flying at me. I managed to dodge at the last moment, but my punch went nowhere and I had his hand around my throat. He pushed me into a cubicle. Willie was a good two meters tall and a competitive athlete. I didn't stand a chance. He pushed my head under the toilet for a few seconds.
“So, you little fag, what are you into?”
He pushed me against the wall and actually fumbled with the button of my trousers. Slowly I started to panic. I had expected him to beat me up, I could live with that. But this! I really tried to defend myself. But I couldn't do anything. He had wedged me between the wall and himself. With one hand he pushed my face against the tiles. I tasted blood. I prayed that someone would come into the room, but probably everyone would think that someone was just having sex in the cubicle. I couldn't do anything and I couldn't hope for help either. What do you think he would do to me? Soon my pants slid down to my knees. I tried to scream but then he just pushed my face even harder against the wall. I couldn't get him. I was absolutely powerless. He held a condom in front of my face.
“Who knows what diseases you could give us. Let's see how you like this.”
Tears mixed with the blood running down my face. I just wanted it to be over, I had stopped fighting.
I heard a bang and felt Willie let go of me, my legs gave way and I hit the ground hard. I just stayed there. My body didn't obey any of the commands I gave it. I saw Summer's face. She was crying.
“Jordan, say something, please say something!”
There was Bang, who dragged Willie out of the room. And there was Sean. He bent over me.
“Jordan, can you hear me?”
Finally, my body obeyed me again. I pushed Sean away from me as hard as I could.
“Go away! This is all your fault! I hate you and everything you do. Go away!”
I could hardly get the last words over my lips. My facial muscles contorted and I could only cry. Summer lifted my head into her lap and leaned over me as if she could protect me from all evil that way. I curled up and we just cried.
At some point, Bang came back. After that, I don't remember much. I woke up in the middle of the night in a strange bed with Summer sitting next to me.
“Where are we?”
“At Bang's house. Don't you remember?” ”Do you want a drink?”
“No. I want a mirror.”
The wound on my eyebrow didn't look too bad. But I looked dead. Pale as death, with dark circles under my eyes and sunken cheeks.
“Can I help you?”
“Where's Sean?”
“In the living room.”
Without saying a word, I left the room. Bang was sitting on a chair, Sean on the sofa.
“Jordan...”
I sat down next to Sean and took him in my arms.
“I'm sorry for what I said. It's not your fault.”
“Yes, you were right. I was such a coward and I was way too lenient with Willie. I should have known what he was capable of.”
Bang crept out of the room.
“No, please, let's just forget the whole thing.”
“But you have to go to the police.”
“Definitely not, I just don't want to think about it anymore, okay?”
“But what he did to you...”
“What did he do to me?”
“Jordan... he...”
“He didn't do anything. He would have done it, but he didn't get the chance.”
“So we got there in time after all?”
“Yes.”
“Thank God!”
“So, can we please just never talk about it again?”
Bang had apparently beaten Willie up pretty badly and told him what would happen if he ever came too close to me again. It had the desired effect. He left me alone. From then on, Sean sat at our table during his lunch break. Just like Hannah and Alex eventually did. Then Susi came, followed by the other girls. Tanja broke up with Willie, no one knew why, but everyone accepted it. He was gone, no longer part of the clique.
Sean
When I arrived at Zen that evening, the mood was somehow depressed. Willie and Tanja seemed to be arguing. At some point I saw Jordan come in with Summer and Minnie. He seemed to be drunk already. I decided not to go over because Willie was just complaining to me about his troubles, Tanja was just being a bitch, jealous and what not. Out of the corner of my eye, I watched Jordan down one cocktail after another. Just as I had decided to go over to him, I was already halfway there, he got up and staggered towards the toilet. So I pushed my way back through the people to the couches, but Willie wasn't there either. Could that be a coincidence? Sure, why not. Nevertheless, I decided to move slowly towards the toilet. Summer just came out of the girls' room. She asked me if I was planning to secretly disappear with Jordan to the bathroom. My answer was that I just wanted to see if he was okay, since she had ordered him one cocktail after another, presumably to increase her chances with him. Before Summer could say anything, the bouncer came up to us. He asked if everything was okay with Jordan. We decided to take a look. Only one cabin was occupied, so Willie must have been outside again. It was strange, we should have seen him. Someone in the cabin whispered something. As I was still trying to figure out what was going on, Bang kicked in the door. Just like that. All I saw was Willie being dragged out. Summer stormed into the cabin and started talking to Jordan. Jordan was in there? It was only then that I realized what had happened. I pushed Summer aside and leaned over him. It took him a while to react. His face contorted into an angry grimace. He pushed me away with full force and shouted at me that it was all my fault. I knew he was right. I waited outside. Bang came back. I saw everything like in a movie. He asked Jordan if he should call the police. Jordan didn't want that at all. Bang helped him up and took us upstairs to his apartment. There Jordan fell asleep immediately. Summer stayed with him. I didn't feel like I had the right to be with him. He didn't want me there. Bang made coffee and sat down with me in the living room. He looked pretty shaken up, too.
“I've known the boy for years now. At least five, and I don't even know how old he actually is. I don't know where he lives, who his parents are. The old Zen was terrible. So many young people who had given up on themselves. Most of them come and go, you don't really notice them. But then there are some like Jordan. I always wondered how it could have come to this with him. He is smart, always had friendly conversations with me and he has real talent. Have you ever seen him with a guitar in his hand? Indescribable. But he fell deeper and deeper into this hole and I could only watch. At some point, he just didn't show up anymore. From one day to the next. I always hoped he had made it, but actually I thought he had hit rock bottom. And now he suddenly turned up again, I almost didn't recognize him. And he had really made it. Not just away from the drugs, I mean, but he had found new, better friends and you. I hope this shit tonight doesn't ruin all that.”
I was amazed that the bouncer knew about us. I told him about Jordan as much as I knew. Eventually the door opened and Jordan came towards me. He looked like a walking corpse. He hugged me and told me it wasn't my fault, but to this day I still feel guilty about it. He also told me that we had come before anything really happened, I'm not sure if he just said that to calm me down. Anyway, he didn't want to go to the police. Willie also got his punishment. The bouncers had beaten him up pretty badly and, you might call it Charma, Tanja broke up with him a few days later. Although I didn't tell anyone, the clique increasingly distanced themselves from him, which was probably also due to Tanja. From then on, he hung out with his teammates. I never really spoke to him again.
Jordan
On Wednesday, we were actually invited to Sean's mother's birthday. She turned 57, over 20 years older than my mother. Sean's oldest sister was only 3 years younger than my mom. I found that very fascinating. I was quite nervous, but Mr. and Mrs. Wittmore didn't really notice me. I preferred it that way anyway. Sean's sisters were called Elizabeth and Josephine. Both were quite pretty and looked like Sean.
Josie was 32, married and had a young daughter called Jennifer. Of course she still worked, and was even a junior partner in a large law firm in San Diego. I didn't like her very much from the first moment.
In contrast to Beth. Her specialty was environmental law and her job was to make life difficult for corporations. She thought 28 was much too young to make a long-term commitment, so she brought a new guy home every time. This time an engineer whose name I didn't even bother to remember. She traveled a lot for work and didn't have a permanent address. Now she would be in town for a few weeks. The evening passed, and Klaus seemed to be part of the family. Sean's father was very imposing in his appearance; you could tell that he had a lot of people under him professionally. We went home around midnight. We praised the food, and Mom dreamed of having a girl as cute as Jennifer herself in a year. I said right away that I wanted a say in the name to avoid slips like that. It was a nice evening and now I knew Sean's family.
Sean
Then my mother's birthday came. My sisters were there and Klaus was invited as always. I could see from Jordan that he didn't really feel comfortable with my family. Of course, I didn't plan to introduce him as a future son-in-law, but I thought that my parents would at least show a little interest in him, since I spent most of my time with him, as they well knew. But the only thing that happened in that direction was that my father thanked Klaus for taking care of me half the time. Klaus replied that I was certainly making myself useful, especially when cooking. My father came up with the old song again that if all else failed, he could definitely use me in the company canteen. Otherwise, I spent a lot of time with little Jennifer.
Jordan
On the way home from school the next day, I wanted to discuss with Sean what we would do for the rest of the day, as usual.
“My sister is still there. We're going into town to shop. Tonight we'll cook for everyone.”
“Oh, I forgot. Well, I'll devote myself to my music again.”
“You still haven't played anything for me!”
“I want to get back into my old form first. Otherwise I'll embarrass myself in front of you.”
“Cute, you want to impress me.”
“Don't make fun of me, or I'll never play you anything.”
It was one of those moments when I wanted to poke him in the ribs, pull him into my arms and give him a conciliatory kiss. But of course, I couldn't do that on the street. It was frustrating.
The next day was a Friday. On my way home, I asked cautiously.
“So, how are things today? Do you have time for me?”
“Actually, I already promised to take Beth out.”
“Oh, right...
“But tomorrow I'll keep free for you, okay?”
“Please do. We haven't had an unobserved moment since Tuesday. I miss you, you know?”
“I think I could come to your place for a few minutes now...”
I spent the evening with Summer. We watched music videos, ate all kinds of things in no particular order and laughed at every stupid thing. I was so grateful to her for not mentioning the incident at Zen. The whole thing had definitely brought us closer together.
At midnight, Sean suddenly looked in through the window. He had actually climbed up the canopy. I opened the window and let him in.
“What are you doing here?”
“Beth is already in bed. We went out for dinner and to the movies. You can tell she's not that young anymore... Anyway, she wants to go shopping with me tomorrow. She thinks my clothes are too frumpy. And I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come along.”
“Shopping with your sister? Are you sure that's a good idea?”
“Why not? I think you would get along well. I mean, we have to hold back a bit, but that's obvious. It's public anyway.”
Summer came back from the bathroom.
“Yes, who's that? Has Betty baby-sat you enough?”
“No one has called her that for years and yes, she went to bed, but tomorrow we'll do something together again.”
“Really? Can I come with you?”
“It's a family thing.”
“Hey, do I already belong to the family? If I can come along, why not Summer too? Then I wouldn't feel like the fifth wheel.”
“Great. Well, then you both come with me. We leave at one. Well, I'm going to bed too. There'll be family breakfast in the morning. Well, good night Summer. ... And good night Jordan.”
He gave me a very long and intimate kiss. Why did I have the feeling that this was supposed to demonstrate ownership?
Summer stayed the night. When we got up at midnight and went to Mom and Klaus in the kitchen, they looked at us irritated, but said nothing more. Summer was very amused. At one we went over to Sean. Beth opened the door for us.
“Hey, Summer! Wow, when I look at you, I feel really old. And you're Jordan. Sorry I didn't pay more attention to you at Ma's birthday party, I thought you were just the boy next door. I didn't know you and Sean were friends. He only talks about you. But he's not saying a word about his break-up with Sara. And when I ask him if he has a new girlfriend, he doesn't say anything either...
“Beth, don't try to get anything out of him! He's under strict orders to keep quiet.”
“Well, we've got the whole afternoon.”
Sean was right, I got on well with Beth. We had a lot to talk about. Besides music and the usual, there was also Sean. We trampled on all his annoying little habits. Beth told me about the past, I told her how her brother was doing now. On the side, we kept picking out clothes and sending Sean to the dressing room with them. Summer had gone off to pick up cool guys at the skater shop. Beth and I had a blast, Sean was getting a little annoyed. We went to the food court to get pizza. Beth was a vegetarian and gave Sean a reproachful look when he ordered a pepperoni pizza. After that, we also looked for clothes and soon everyone had a huge bag to carry, except Sean. He had only bought a belt so far. At around five, we were sitting in the car on our way home.
“Jordan, do you have a girlfriend?”
“Why? Are you interested?”
“If only you were five years older...”
“Come on, when you're 38, I'll be 30, so who cares?”
“So you don't have a girlfriend?”
“I didn't say that...”
“So you're with someone?”
“Yep.”
“Is it serious?”
“Yep.”
“Typical, the best ones are either taken or gay.”
Summer blurted out:
“Or both!”
“That's right. What are you guys up to tonight?”
Summer surprised me with her openness:
“A friend of mine got some weed that's being consumed in Minnie's basement.”
“Sounds like fun. Can I come?”
Sean was horrified.
“You're not serious, are you?!”
“Of course, why not? Jordan, what do you think?”
“I usually spend my Saturday nights in the basement.”
“Cool, so I'll see you there at ten?”
“Beth, what if Mom and Dad...?”
“Are you serious, Sean? How old are you? If you didn't do the things that Mom and Dad condemn, you'd have a pretty sad life.”
Sean
My sister Beth stayed with us for a few more weeks after that, without her boyfriend at the time. Of course, I spent a lot of time with her and Jordan soon felt neglected. So I decided the two of them should get to know each other. Summer was once again clinging to Jordan. She seemed to be with him all the time and even staying over from time to time. Anyway, the four of us went to the shopping center. Beth had been pestering me all day about why I broke up with Sara. It didn't take long for her to start asking Jordan about it, too. As I had suspected, the two of them got along well. Too well, actually. Soon they had conspired against me and sent me to the dressing room with the most hideous clothes. When Beth started telling some old stories about me, I was really annoyed. The only positive thing was that Summer soon left.
Jordan
When I came down to the basement that evening, Beth was already sitting in a circle with a joint in her hand. Sean was sitting apart and apparently couldn't believe it.
“Jordan, man, I'm glad you're here. Pinch me!”
“Seems like I hooked up with the wrong Wittmore branch. Your sister sure knows how to have fun.”
“Please, not you too.”
“Don't you want to join us? I know I do.”
I sat down next to Beth, who kissed me on the cheek and offered me the joint.
“No thanks, I'm trying to quit.”
“Really? Why?”
“The whole thing was a bit out of control. That's why I cut it off.”
“Okay, whatever you say. So where's your girlfriend?”
“That's complicated... .”
“In what way? Is she still with someone else or something?”
“No, nothing like that.”
“Then what's the direction?”
“It's a long story...”
“Come on, let's get some fresh air.”
We went outside, where she offered me a cigarette. I accepted.
“So, go ahead!”
“Okay, but this is really a huge vote of confidence. Especially since I hardly know you at all.”
“Thanks, I appreciate that.”
“The truth is, I don't have a girlfriend.”
“You made this up? Why?”
“No, I didn't. I don't have a girlfriend, I have a boyfriend.”
“Oh, I see. Man, you could have said that right away. And he doesn't like to be seen in public with you, does he? But you shouldn't let him do that to you.”
“No, it's not that simple. It's all still pretty new, his family doesn't know yet, and so on.”
“I wouldn't have thought my little brother was that open-minded.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, that he has a gay best friend.”
“Oh, well, when we met, I didn't know that myself, so...”
Further up the street someone was bawling. When I turned around, I recognized Willie and some of his football teammates.
“Of course, I didn't need that. Beth, we should go back downstairs.”
“Why, what's wrong? Is that little Willie?”
By now they were close enough to see us.
“Betty Wittmore! I didn't know you were in town! What are you doing here?”
“We're downstairs at Minnie's. So tell me, how have you been?”
Now he was maybe 30 feet away. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. I could hardly resist the urge to just run away.
“Oh, Betty, you may not know it, but you're in bad company.”
“What do you mean?”
“May I introduce Jordan Bonanno? Faggot and ex-junkie. He's about the most messed-up character around here.”
I had started to back away. Willie was maybe six feet away.
“Thanks for the warning, but you know, I like to make up my own mind about people.”
“Of course, the preference for such birds must run in your family.”
Meanwhile, I had reached the garden fence behind me. Willie was now standing close to Beth.
“Listen Willie, I don't know what your problem is, but you're getting way too close for my comfort.”
“What's my problem? This scum has destroyed the whole clique. He broke Hannah's heart, drove Sara and Sean apart and, through lies, ensured that I was cast out. And if I ever get my hands on him alone, he's as good as dead.”
He pushed me in the chest with an outstretched arm. His buddies egged him on.
“Are you crazy or what?”
Beth pulled me towards the house. Before we reached the stairs, two of the big guys stood in our way.
“Damn it, let us pass or I'll scream so loud that the whole neighborhood will wake up.”
“All right, let her go. The guy's not worth us getting our fingers dirty on him.”
Beth dragged me down the stairs.
“Why didn't you fight back?”
“It's no use. I don't even stand a chance against him alone, and there were eight of them.”
Downstairs, everyone was still sitting in a circle, and even Sean had joined them.
“Tell me, what's Willie's problem?”
Sean was immediately alarmed. Rightly so, I felt like my knees would give way any second.
“Was Willie there? What happened? Jordan, are you okay? You're as pale as a corpse. Come here.”
He took me in his arms.
“He didn't do anything to you, did he?”
I shook my head.
“We should go home, Beth, come on.”
“But what's going on?”
“We should get out of here for now, okay?”
After Sean had made sure that the horde had disappeared into the house, we left.
“So, can someone explain this to me?”
Sean hemmed and hawed, so I took over.
“To cut a long story short, Willie has a problem with me being into guys. Last week at Zen, he beat me up and, if he hadn't been stopped, would have done a lot worse to me...”
“I'm sorry to hear that. What a huge idiot.”
“Yes, but I'm an idiot too. What was I thinking, coming here again, to his house, to his sister. It was like an invitation for him.”
My hands were shaking. Sean held me back by the shoulder and stood in front of me.
“It wasn't your fault. You know that, right?”
“I shouldn't have gone to Zen, and certainly not so drunk. If I hadn't had half a liter of vodka inside me...”
“Then you wouldn't have been able to defend yourself against him either. And he should never have put you in a position where you had to defend yourself. If anyone but him is to blame, it's me. He's so angry at you because of me. I didn't take a stand from the beginning. And I didn't see how far this would go. And because of that, I hurt you and I let him hurt you. I will never forgive myself.”
He held me by the shoulders, his face maybe 10 centimeters in front of mine. Then he let go and turned to his sister. They looked at each other for a few seconds until Beth finally broke the silence.
“Mom and Dad can't find out about this.”
“But you just gave me a lecture about how boring my life would be if...”
“But this isn't about sneaking a joint or sneaking out at night! If they found out about you, their sense of purpose would disappear. They've built all this just to pass it on to their sons and grandsons. In their twisted world, that's what's most important. Their legacy to posterity. As Jacob...”
“Don't you dare mention him! Of course, he would have been a much better son than I am. But you only have me now. And I'm going to study medicine, with or without your support. And I'm not going to choose my partners based on your criteria anymore, I tried that and it was a disaster.”
“Do whatever you want, even study medicine, but don't tell Mom and Dad about you two!”
“At some point I'll probably have to, don't you think?”
“You're 18, Sean. A lot can still change. Just wait...”
“Until it's over? You don't understand! Jordan and I aren't going to break up in a few months and then I'll just find another girlfriend. We want to go to L.A. together. We're serious about it.”
“I believe that you really intend to do all that, but there are so many things that can happen that you can't control! Wait until you've been living together in L.A. for a while. You can still tell them then. Why are you in such a rush?”
“Well, for example, we'd have to hide all the time and we couldn't be ourselves in public!”
“But would you really be open about it? Would you kiss in public and so on?”
Sean didn't say anything. This couldn't be true!
“Sean? Say something!”
“What?”
“Well, for example, that we would then of course behave quite openly and that we don't care what others think of us!”
“But actually that's pretty private. I mean, it's nobody's business who I'm with.”
“Oh, so that's why you stuck your tongue down Sara's throat at every public opportunity, right?”
“That was different... .”
“Of course, you didn't have to be ashamed of her! I get it.”
“That's not what I meant, Jordan, wait!”
“What, explain it to me!”
“What do you expect? Do you really want to attract attention everywhere you go with me? Do you want everyone to reduce you to that?”
“I don't want to have any secrets, I don't want to feel like I'm doing something wrong, and I want to show how proud I am to be with you.”
“You see, that's what I mean. You don't even really know each other yet. You should definitely take your time. I'll go ahead. Good night, Jordan.”
I, too, walked purposefully towards my house.
“Jordan, wait, please. Let me explain!”
“Okay, please. Explain it to me! Come inside and explain it to me.”
Sean
Beth got Jordan and me to talk about some things we didn't agree on. For me, the question of whether we showed ourselves in public as a couple didn't just depend on my parents. I didn't always want to be seen as different and I didn't want to attract the attention of everyone present at every step. Jordan, on the other hand, didn't care what others thought of us. He wanted to be completely open, but just the idea of kissing him at school or in the mall made me panic.
Jordan
We talked half the night. In the end, I understood him and he understood me, but we still didn't agree.
“I have to go over there soon.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“I'm going to talk to my parents about L.A. after lunch. I've been putting that off forever. And it's good if Beth is there, I think.”
“Okay, good luck with that.”
“Jordan, please don't be angry with me, I can't help it. We just disagree. But it will be a long time before we actually have a choice. Beth is right, I shouldn't tell my parents until we're in L.A. That doesn't mean I don't believe that our relationship will last until then. I just want to be on my own two feet when I tell them.”
“I understand.”
“Jordan, I love you, you know that, right?”
“Yes...”
“Maybe I haven't really been able to make it clear to you how I feel about you. You're the best friend I've ever had, and at the same time I have all these other feelings for you, starting with wanting to be close to you all day, wanting to look at you and kiss you, but also much deeper feelings. I see myself through your eyes, I want to be a better person for you, a better friend. I see you and I know exactly who you are, as if I've known you forever. And you know me in a way that no one else does. You give me strength because I know that you will always be there for me, just as I will always be there for you, and my greatest fear is losing you, Jordan. You are the one I want to spend my life with. You are, and I never thought I'd say something so sappy, the other half of my soul. And to express everything I feel for you, three words are not enough, but they summarize it to some extent. I love you, Jordan.”
There was nothing I could have said that wouldn't have sounded trite in comparison. So I kissed him. I kissed him like I'd never kissed anyone before. I felt as if I were weightless. Every movement happened all by itself. It was as if our bodies were controlled by one brain. We undressed. Everything happened so fast, yet it seemed like slow motion. I watched my hand reach into the bedside table drawer, take out some condoms and hand them to Sean. We exchanged a look, nothing more was necessary. I turned on my stomach and felt Sean lie on top of me. At first I thought I couldn't take it. But I tried to relax and concentrated on Sean's movements. I soon felt his muscles tense and then relax all at once. He kissed my neck and lay down beside me.
“Are you okay?”
I couldn't look him in the eye. He pulled me into his arms, but immediately realized that I didn't like it very much and let me go again.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don't know. No, actually I don't.”
“Do you want to then now...?”
“What? No, of course not! I know you're not ready yet, that's okay.”
“But what can I do for you then?”
“You lie down in my arms...”
Sean snuck home before seven.
The phone rang that afternoon. A few minutes later, Mom came into my room.
“Don't you want to get up soon? It's almost two o'clock.”
“I'm not asleep, I just don't feel like getting up.”
“Are you okay, honey?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“What's going on? Do you want to talk about it?”
“It's not the kind of problem I want to discuss with my mother.”
“I see. Well, then talk to someone else about it.”
“I don't know who to talk to.”
“I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I'll leave you alone then.”
“Why were you here, anyway?”
“Oh, it can wait...”
“No, it's fine. You know what, I'll get up, take a shower, and then I'll come down and you can tell me what's going on, okay, Mom? There's nothing wrong with me, I just have to deal with a few things, but I'll get it done.”
“Good. Then I'll see you downstairs.”
When I came downstairs, Klaus had left the living room. That seemed very strange to me.
“Mom? What is it?”
“Sit down. Your father called.”
“Okay, what did he say?”
“He suggested that they all come on the 25th to spend some time with you.”
“And then they want to stay until the wedding? A whole week?! Mom! You did tell them that wouldn't work, right?”
“Actually, Jordan... I don't think it's such a bad idea. Your grandmother could help me with the preparations and you would have time to get to know your father better. And he you.”
“You're not serious, are you? Where are they going to sleep?”
“Well, your grandparents would then take a hotel room with the boys, and we could accommodate your father, Carmen and Milo here.”
“Here? This is getting better and better! Then I won't have any peace from them!”
“Now, Jordan, pull yourself together. You're not a kid anymore, and this is your family, whether you like it or not. Deal with it and end the debate!”
It must have been her hormones. Mum wasn't usually so quick-tempered.
“All right, but I'm not going to babysit around the clock.”
Sean stopped by that evening, officially to study math.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
He stood there a bit awkwardly and obviously didn't know how to act around me. I kissed him hello.
“So you're feeling better then?”
“Yeah, I don't know what was wrong either...”
We went into my room and closed the door behind us.
“I can imagine how you feel...”
“Yes?”
“Yes, I mean... it must be very confusing, suddenly...”
“Taking on the female part?”
“I didn't mean to say that... .”
“But that's exactly how it felt. Totally unmanly... listen, I think this is something I have to deal with on my own. Don't worry about it. I just need some time to figure out the role I'm playing, you know?”
“I think so... .”
“And I don't want you to think that I expect the same from you now. Take as much time as you need, okay?”
“Okay...
“And now you'd better tell me what else your sister said.”
“I had to tell her exactly how we met. And she said that she can certainly understand why I fell in love with you. She thinks you're pretty hot.”
“Yes, I noticed that.”
“Show-off!”
“What?”
“You act as if it's nothing special.”
“It's not. Most women think I'm hot, for some strange reason... .”
“Are you kidding me?!”
“What? You'll never be satisfied, will you?”
“But you must know how good-looking you are!”
“Give me a break. It's funny that you should say that....
“No, seriously! I thought so the first time I saw you. And the girls have been talking about you too.”
“Whatever...”
“Your eyes, for example! They're blue. But not just any blue. They have these gray flecks that can change color, they shine and often seem so sad at the same time. And the way you move, with so much nonchalance and yet you have the feeling that you know exactly what you're doing. You have something rebellious about you, something James Dean, but still you have this angelic face. And your body....”
“Oh, now that's enough!”
“No, your body is perfect.”
“Oh, please...”
“No, really.”
“So, I'll kiss you now, just so you stop talking!”
After that, I told him about the extended family visit that would be upon us at Christmas.
“Well, maybe it won't be so bad. And I'm really looking forward to meeting your father and brothers.”
“Half brothers. So, didn't we want to study math?”
“Yes, if you don't want to know how it went with my parents...”
“What? You actually talked to them?
“Yes, I finally brought myself to do it. And they surprised me. They suggested that I finance the four years of pre-med studies on the condition that I also take courses in business administration and economics.”
“That's great! Just like that?”
“Yes, they probably already suspected that I would approach them about it. And they realized how serious I am about this career choice.”
“Great, then nothing can stop us now. L.A., here we come!”
Sean
After a few hours of sleep, I was woken up for breakfast. After that, I actually wanted to lie down again, but Beth wanted details. She bombarded me with questions about how we met and whether I had known for a while that I was into boys and that she now also realized why I had broken up with Sara and that she had also liked Jordan and and and. I was glad when it was finally time for lunch. After that, I told my parents about my study plans. I also said that if necessary, I would do it without their financial support. It was an eternal back and forth, Beth spoke for me, my mother also saw it, everyone had actually already expected it. At some point, my father made me an offer that I gladly accepted. He would finance four years of pre-med studies, which was a requirement for admission to med school anyway, with a major of my choice (either biology or chemistry), on the condition that I also took courses in economics and business administration. He was hoping that this would whet my appetite after all.
In the evening I was finally able to go back to Jordan. I was really worried. But he seemed to be doing better. His biggest concern was the upcoming family visit. And I had to tell him what else Beth had said, and of course I told him about my father's offer.
Jordan
The last week of school went by pretty fast and then finally it was vacation. Beth had decided to stay until New Year's Eve, which meant that she was on our heels all weekend. We decided it was better not to sit in Minnie's basement anymore. The Zen was an option and at school Hannah and Susi had announced that they would go with the girls, but Sara would be there too. At school, she talked to Sean and also sat at the same table. Beth wanted to go, so we went. I was finally able to talk to Hannah again, which Summer didn't like. When I also invited Hannah to the wedding, Summer left and was not seen again for the rest of the evening. Sara just ignored me, which I found quite nice.
Christmas Eve I spent with Klaus' parents, who, according to European tradition, were already handing out presents. I already knew that from the Bonannos. Of course, the only things talked about were the baby and the wedding. Mom got me a wall mount for the guitar that I always stored in the closet. Klaus actually got me a huge amplifier with an effects unit. He hadn't needed to curry favor with me for a long time, but it didn't hurt either. Of course I was thrilled and even forgot for a moment that the whole gang would be arriving the next day.
But eventually the time came. The doorbell rang around eleven and everyone was standing outside. Mom was warmly greeted, everyone touched her stomach. Klaus was eyed curiously. I had deliberately positioned myself strategically with my back to the stairs. My grandmother approached me rather hesitantly. No wonder. The last time she had seen me, my face was full of piercings, my hair was shaved into a green mohawk and I was high on drugs.
“You look good, boy.”
I didn't know what to say to her, but apparently she didn't expect me to. She patted my arm and rejoined the others, who were looking around the living room. The others greeted me only hesitantly from a distance. No one had spoken to me during lunch. I had time to look at everyone extensively. My grandfather was a quiet man with horn-rimmed glasses. He spoke very deliberately and with great meaning. With his slight Italian accent, he could easily pass for a mafioso. Grandmother Maria was usually loud and motherly. She had a big heart, but I had probably lost my place in it. Among other things, I had tried to pawn her family jewelry, which, as it turned out, was a friend of the family and immediately told her. She still spoke to me, but since then she has not been able to look me in the eye.
At the table next to her sat the three boys, the family's pride and joy. The way the three of them looked so much alike was almost comical. They must have been ten, twelve, and fourteen at the time. They were all quite quiet, only speaking when they were asked a question, and otherwise not attracting much attention. Carmen, my father's wife, was definitely an Italian beauty. Unlike my mother, her temperament was quite fiery. She was always friendly to me, but I never liked her. Milo, my father's brother, was just four years older than me. He had often visited us earlier and spent whole summers with us. At that time, we were something like friends. He was even there when I smoked my first joint. I didn't know what our relationship was now. Back then, when I lived with Anthony for a short time when I was 16 and lost the trust of the whole family with my antics, he was already at college and only heard about it from stories. He had since joined the family business.
And then there was Anthony, my biological father. He had a striking chin, broad shoulders, a serious look. He always wore expensive-looking suits. He had never exchanged a word with me. I helped my mom clear the table while the others settled down in the living room, where Klaus showed the latest ultrasound images. Of course, my mom knew exactly why I was suddenly so eager to help.
“You can't avoid talking to them forever.”
“Why not? They don't seem too keen on talking to me either...”
“At least they came here. Now go on, I can manage on my own.”
I didn't seem to have a choice, so I went over and sat down on the armchair in the corner. The conversation came to a brief halt, but was frantically resumed. After a while, when still no one had taken any notice of me, I wondered if I could afford to just sneak up to my room. But then the doorbell rang. Anthony got up as a matter of course and opened it.
“Yes?”
“Oh ... I, um ... Sean Wittmore. I live next door.”
“Hello. I'm Anthony Bonanno, Jordan's dad. Please come in.”
Sean looked around the room a little irritated until he saw me. He sat down on the back of my chair and listened to the rest of the conversation. Every now and then he even joined in and had soon exchanged more words with my family than I had myself. After a while, everyone set out to go skating, even Mom wanted to watch. I really didn't want to go! My father also decided to stay here. Sean was about to slip away, but I secretly asked him to stay.
“Sean, so you live next door?”
“Yes, and Jordan and I have been going to school together since this year.”
“Then you'll be graduating soon! What do you want to study?”
“Medicine, at UCLA.”
“Really? That's exciting! And you have the grades for that?”
“I think so, yes.”
“And financially? What does your father do?”
“He owns the local textile factory.”
“So money shouldn't be a problem. Why don't you join him?”
“It's just not my world. I always worked there during the holidays. I want to be a doctor and my parents aren't thrilled about it, but they support me.”
“That's an honorable profession too. If my boys ever decide not to join the family business, I won't stand in their way. The food industry is a tough business.”
They talked for a while about business matters, only half of which I understood. Time literally flew by. Once again, I was amazed at how well Sean could talk to anyone. At some point Sean went to get some book from home that he really wanted to show Anthony. I was alone with my father. The whole time I had hardly said anything, just listened. Sean had repeatedly tried to make me look good, but Anthony was more interested in Sean's successes than in mine.
“A fine guy!”
“Yes...
“You should make friends with him, he would be a good influence on you.”
“Oh, right.”
“Don't get smart with me again.”
“I'm not, but you're nagging me again as soon as we're alone for five seconds!”
“That's not true! I just wanted to give you advice!”
“Yeah, thanks. But you've only known Sean for a few hours!”
“I think that's enough. Or do you want to tell me that he's not such a great guy after all? What don't you like about him?”
“I like everything about him! I just want to say that you don't know much about him and that you shouldn't judge people so quickly! Neither for better nor for worse.”
“Of course, now I know how the wind blows! You're jealous, huh? But you know what? You had your chance and blew it, just like your second and third chances and all the others I gave you. You've been a disappointment across the board and now I'm supposed to believe that you've changed 180 degrees? You'll forgive me for still being skeptical.”
“You're wrong. That's not the point. To be honest, I don't care what you think of me!”
“Fine, whatever you say...”
There was a ring at the door.
“Aren't you going to open it, you obviously feel at home here?”
“Not until we've sorted this out. What's your problem?”
“My problem is you! You don't know me, but you have no problem writing me off. You don't know Sean either, but you praise him to the skies. You know nothing about us.”
“Well then, help me! What do I need to know?”
“First of all, I've been clean for almost a year. And then there's something else...”
I stormed to the door, tore it open and pulled the bewildered Sean in by the arm. Then I kissed him on the mouth. My dad let out a strange sound and slumped down on the armchair behind him.
“You're the one who advised me to make friends with Sean...”
Sean looked at me quite puzzled. Anthony got up again and came towards me. For a moment I thought he was going to hit me, but he just dragged me a little way away from Sean.
“How dare you! You can't just do something like that! If you want to provoke me, that's one thing, but to drag in the unsuspecting Sean in this way...”
Just as I was about to tell him to go screw himself and that not everything I do is about him, Sean interrupted.
“Actually, Mr. Bonanno, I'm not that clueless.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“I'm saying that Jordan and I have been together for a few months.”
He put his hand on my shoulder quite clearly.
“But... that... I mean... you're... a nice guy!”
“Just like your son.”
We heard voices outside the door and soon the living room was full of people again. Sean said goodbye soon, he was cooking for his whole family again and still had a lot to do.
Sean
On December 25th, the Bonannos arrived. In the early afternoon, I looked over. A stranger opened the door, as it turned out, Jordan's dad. He didn't look like him at all, but rather like one of my father's employees. I knew guys like that and knew how to deal with them. When everyone left to go skating, Jordan made me stay so he wouldn't be alone with his father. I wasn't keen on this pompous chatter, but I was good at it. Being modest, but still letting on who you were. And always pretending to know what you were talking about. The guy was too easily impressed. He was quite proud of his sons; when I steered the conversation towards Jordan, he immediately became nervous and changed the subject. Jordan was almost asleep. I had to find a pretext to get the two of them talking, but they didn't make it easy for me, so I told them about a book about medium-sized companies and tricks they could use to survive against large corporations. Mr. Bonanno, of course, showed a great deal of interest right away, and he listed a number of titles that he knew. Yes, of course, you have to educate yourself. So I disappeared to get the book.
When I rang the bell a few minutes later, I heard the two of them arguing inside. They couldn't even stand being in the same room for five minutes without things flying. Suddenly the door flew open, Jordan pulled me inside and kissed me. That was surprising, but even more surprising was that Mr. Bonanno seemed to assume that Jordan had only done it to provoke him. That was a very narcissistic thought. I set the record straight and, admittedly, enjoyed not living up to expectations for a change. Shortly after, the others came back anyway and I had to go back over there.
Jordan
After dinner, the grandparents took the boys to the hotel and Carmen retreated to the baby room, where there was a fold-out couch. Mom, who was now very pregnant, went to bed too. Klaus, Milo, Anthony and I were left and somehow I didn't like that. I got up.
“Where are you going?”
Klaus looked at me in astonishment.
“Upstairs...?
“Stay a little longer.”
“Yes, otherwise I'll just wake you up when I go to bed later.”
I had completely forgotten that. Milo had been quartered with me. Anthony had pricked up his ears.
“Milo, where do you sleep, anyway?”
“With Jordan, of course, you know that.”
“In his bed?”
“Um... yes?”
“And where does Jordan sleep?”
“In his bed too, of course. It's about two meters wide.”
“But... don't you prefer to sleep here in the living room on the couch?”
“Why? Then the first person to get up in the morning will wake me up too. What is it?”
“I just think that having the couch to yourself is bound to be more comfortable...”
I had listened to the whole thing long enough and really didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
“Anthony, what's your problem?”
“First of all, don't call me that. I'm your father, so call me Dad.”
“Okay, Dad, what's your problem?”
“I... don't have one. I just thought it would be better for you, too, then you won't have to share your room with anyone.”
“Sure, you're just looking out for my best interests. You don't believe that yourself! I think you have other things to worry about! Come on, out with it!”
Anthony squinted at Klaus and then said:
“This is a family matter. We'll discuss it among ourselves tomorrow. And tonight Milo will sleep on the couch.”
“Are you completely insane, or what? First of all, Klaus is more part of my family than you ever were. And secondly, what do you actually think of me? Do you think that I secretly attack my next of kin at night or what?”
Klaus seemed to slowly understand what was going on.
“Wait, is this about Sean?”
“He knows about it?”
“Of course he knows about it, I live here, hello?”
“And you just let that happen?”
“I didn't ask him for permission!”
“Jordan, he's talking to me. Mr. Bonanno, with all due respect, I don't understand what you're upset about. You've met Sean. He's a good kid and a good influence on Jordan. Jordan couldn't have asked for a better friend.”
“Would someone please explain to me what's going on?”
“Milo, I'm with Sean. And by 'with' I mean 'with'. With everything. So if you don't feel comfortable sleeping in the same bed with me, I can sleep on the couch, even though I think the whole thing is ridiculous.”
“Okay... can I just digest that for a second?”
“Sure. And Anth... Dad. I'm sorry that you're disappointed in me again. But this time I made a good decision, I know that for sure. And I hope that you will see that too.”
“I have no problem sleeping with you. That's nonsense.”
“Good, I'm glad you feel the same way. I'll go upstairs then. Good night, everyone.”
Milo came up a few minutes later.
“You've really shocked your dad again.”
“Yes, I'm good at that, aren't I?”
“And you're sure about that?”
“With Sean? Yes, absolutely.”
“And you're happy?”
“Yes, very happy.”
“Good. I'm glad that you're finally doing well again. It was terrible for me to see you fall into that hole, you know? You were always like a little brother to me, but I couldn't help you. You didn't want to be helped either...”
He cleared his throat and shook his head to banish the thoughts. After that, we talked about the old days, about all the good things we had experienced together.
Sean
When everyone was finally asleep, I went to see Jordan again. There was no key under the doormat, so I climbed over the canopy. Milo had been put up with Jordan; it would have been nice to have known beforehand. Luckily, he took it with humor that I entered through the window. I first got an overview of the family relationships. Milo was only 24, but Jordan's uncle. So his father was this strange mafioso. Milo confirmed my suspicion that he was not the best educator and also liked to resort to old proven methods. I couldn't understand at all how Milo was even able to work in his company. He apparently didn't know that himself either. He had probably been too late in realizing his alternatives. As I set off again, I intuitively refrained from kissing Jordan goodbye.
Jordan
Around midnight, I heard familiar climbing noises outside the window. I hadn't told Sean that Milo would be sleeping in my room... There was a soft knock on the window. Milo looked at me, amused.
“He's sneaking into your room?”
“Oh, shut up. It's complicated...”
I let Sean in. He froze in his tracks when he saw Milo.
“Oh... I'm sorry, I didn't know...”
“Yes, I forgot to tell you that Milo is sleeping with me. It's okay, now come in.”
Even though the constellation was somehow strange at first, Sean soon showed amazing social skills again. Milo told him things he had never told me. I had never thought about what it must have been like to have my grandfather, that quiet but frightening old man, as a father. And even worse: as a boss. Time flew by and eventually it was three o'clock. Sean went home, this time through the front door, and Milo and I went to bed.
“Sean is great. Don't mess it up with him.”
“I'll do my best. Good night.”
“Good night.”
Luckily, the relatives organized many excursions for the remaining days until the wedding. The women were busy planning. My dad ignored me as much as possible, although Klaus had apparently still been talking to him half the night. Milo, Sean, Beth and I spent the evenings together. Summer also joined us sometimes. She had her eye on Milo, but he was more interested in Beth. One afternoon, when we wanted to go to the shopping center to get a few things for the wedding, Peter, the oldest of the Bonanno brothers, asked if he could accompany us. Anthony said no without further explanation and gave Sean a dirty look, whereupon he went out to the car without a word. Milo indicated to his brother that he thought he was a bit off his rocker and we also went outside. Sean was already sitting in the back seat.
“Do you see what happens when people find out?”
“You can't take that one idiot as the measure of all things.”
“He wasn't the only one. What about Sara and Willie?”
“And what about all the people who know and don't have a problem with it?”
“There are some, but they'll be the ones who are the loudest, who make our lives a living hell. And the loudest are the ones who object. And that's why I don't want to tell anyone about it unless it's absolutely necessary.”
“But Sean...”
“I don't want to talk about it anymore.”
At the mall, Sean wouldn't talk to me and always kept at least six feet away from me. I commented on how ridiculous I thought the whole thing was, after which Sean wouldn't even look at me. He talked to Beth and Milo, though, as if nothing had happened. Soon I got tired of that, too.
“Well, I think I'll go off on my own. Shall we meet at five at the car?”
Before anyone could even say anything, I was already on the escalator to another floor. We ran into each other once by chance, but otherwise I went to my favorite stores and didn't talk to anyone. Except for a salesman in a trendy store who actually flirted with me. After that, I sat on a bench for a while and stared at the huge mermaid mural that had been there for a few months. When I got to the car at five to five, the others were already waiting. Beth and Milo asked me what I had bought and so on, Sean didn't say anything and sat down in the passenger seat. At home, everyone went their separate ways. When Milo and I came in, everyone was already sitting in the living room waiting for dinner.
“There you are again. Won't Sean and Beth eat with us? It'll be ready in ten minutes.”
“No. And I'm not hungry either. I don't feel well, I think I'll go to bed.”
“What's the matter?” Mom asked.
Anthony was watching everything out of the corner of his eye again.
“Not now, okay?”
I went upstairs and threw myself on my bed. Man, how this tricky shit annoyed me. I just wanted to sleep. Not have to think about it anymore. I used to always have some diazepam at home for cases like this...
There was a knock at the door.
“Not now!”
“Jordan, can I come in?”
My grandmother?
“Okay...
“What's the matter, child? Why won't you eat?”
“I just want to be alone.”
“What happened this afternoon? You want to tell me?”
“It's a long story...”
“I'll make you a suggestion: I'll get us both something to eat and you can tell me what happened in your own time.”
“All right...”
She soon returned with two fully laden plates, and I noticed that one of them had no meat on it. We settled down on the bed. When we had finished eating, she took my plate and looked at me questioningly.
“Who were you arguing with?”
“With Dad, among others.”
“And what was that about?”
“He found out something about me that he didn't like. And now he's trying to keep me away from everyone. He thinks he's protecting them, but he's not.”
“Is it about drugs again?”
“I'm clean and I'm tired of everyone immediately thinking about drugs.”
“Yes, I'm sorry. What is it then?”
“I don't want to tell you. But it's not really a bad thing. I even think it's a good thing.”
“Then why don't you want to tell me?”
“Because I've found that it just makes things more complicated instead of easier.”
“Okay. So you're feeling bad because of your father?”
“That was the trigger, but with his attitude, he hurt someone else. Someone who is very important to me. And this person finds it very important to be accepted by others. And that can never happen as long as I'm around. To really make this person happy, it would be best if we had never met.”
“I don't think so. Because if you mean as much to this person as they do to you, then I'm sure they're happy to have known you, despite everything.”
“But I can never make him happy.”
“You just have to try. And you have to talk to your father. He'll understand eventually. And I'm very proud of you. I admire you for following your heart and not letting anyone stop you from being with the person you love.”
“Thank you.”
There was a soft knock at the window. My grandmother smiled at me sympathetically. I let Sean in. He looked quite sad.
“I'm so sorry...”
Before I answered him, I pointed to my grandmother, who was still sitting at the foot of the bed. She got up, came over, stroked my cheek and then left the room smiling.
“What was that about?”
“My grandmother.”
“Yes, but why...”
“Sean, why are you here?”
“To apologize. I took the easy way out. It was probably a terrible day for you, too, and instead of joining forces with you, I pushed you away. That was wrong and I'm sorry.”
“Okay. So what's the next step?”
“What do you mean?”
“I know you don't want to tell anyone, but I'd like my family to know. I don't see why I should be ashamed of the best thing I've done in my life. They only know my worst side, now they should get to know my best side too.”
“I don't think they'll see it that way.”
“I hope so though. And even if they don't, then I know that I'm right and they're wrong.”
“And what are you planning to do?”
“I think we should just go down there and be ourselves.”
“It's your family, so it's your decision. Have you thought about it carefully?”
“Some things you shouldn't think about forever, you should just do them. If I had thought about it for too long, I definitely wouldn't have kissed you back then.”
“I'm glad you kissed me back then. I have no regrets, you know that, don't you?”
“Mostly.”
The board game craze had broken out downstairs. Sean sat down with Peter, Dad and Klaus to play Scrabble. I preferred checkers with Milo. The rest had just started a game of Monopoly. Only my grandmother sat in the armchair in the corner and watched the others. Our eyes met briefly. She smiled. At some point someone suggested Charade. We formed two teams. Old against young. It was very close for a long time. In the end, we needed 4 points to win. The atmosphere was tense. Three seconds before the end, Sean recognized Milos' mediocre portrayal of a broad-mouthed frog and brought us victory. The mood was exuberant. Youth had triumphed. Everyone fell into each other's arms. I stood there and had Sean in my arms. Actually, I wanted to kiss him. And that was exactly what we had agreed on. We wanted to be ourselves. So I gave him a little kiss on the mouth. Apparently no one had noticed. At least no one reacted.
The next day was the 30th. The preparations were completed and everyone gathered strength for the upcoming wedding. In the evening, I picked up my maternal grandparents from the airport with Klaus. They were quite distant as always. Klaus entertained them with small talk, I was only there to carry the luggage.
The next day we went to the church at two. The ceremony took until four. After that we went to the rented hall where the civil wedding took place and dinner was served afterwards. Mom looked very happy. The band played the whole evening. There was dancing and drinking. I got to know Klaus' relatives and also dozens of other people I had never heard of before. Sean's parents were also somewhere. Hannah came by during the evening and asked me to dance. We talked about trivial things, but I was still really happy that she had come. At midnight, the whole room counted down the countdown and everyone congratulated each other on the New Year. Soon after, most of them left. The hall emptied and the bridal couple retired as well. The staff started cleaning up. A group stayed behind and continued the party on their own account. I retreated with Sean to a deserted corridor for a New Year's kiss. When we came back, Beth was already waiting. Mom and Klaus were staying in a wellness hotel in town for a few days, since the due date was getting closer and closer.
The next day, the Bonanno clan packed their bags. I had my first farewell conversation with Milo in my room.
“You should come and visit us sometime. Especially when you're living in L.A. soon, San Diego won't be far away.”
“Yeah, I know. Let's see if Anthony comes to his senses.”
“I'm sure he will. And if not, I'll definitely come and visit you.”
“I insist.”
“Okay, and like I said, don't mess up with Sean. I really like him and he makes you happy. It's nice to see you happy again for a change since we were kids.”
“Oh, don't get mushy on me now.”
There was already a spirit of optimism downstairs. My grandmother pinched my cheek, hugged me and told me once again that she was proud of me. My grandfather held out his hand and raised the corners of his mouth. They bundled the boys into the car and drove off. Milo tugged at Carmen's sleeve, dragging her outside and leaving Anthony and me alone in the house.
“Look, Dad, I'm not asking you to understand me. I'm not even asking you to like me. I just want you to not add Sean to the long list of my mistakes. He doesn't belong there.”
“I know. It's just not the life I wanted for you. I didn't want you to have it so hard. You've been through enough because of the drugs...”
“Dad, I really appreciate your concern. But the hardest part about being with Sean is the people who judge us for it. Fortunately, I don't pay much attention to most people's opinions. But I do pay attention to yours. So if you want to make it easier for me, tell me that you're not going to write me off because of this, but want to get to know me better anyway.”
“Write you off again? I never wrote you off. I just didn't know how to deal with you anymore. But that's over now. You're a good guy.”
He shook my hand and we went to the car.
I had the rest of the vacation free and Sean was there. Beth had also left in the meantime. Sean had set his mind on making an early application to graduate from school in March and to be able to do an internship before starting college. That's why he spent most of his time studying or working on his application to UCLA. On the day school started again, Mom and Klaus came home. Mom looked like she might burst at any moment.
Sean
I was glad when the wedding was over and the relatives were on their way home. I had enough to do with my college application and looking for an internship starting at the beginning of March. Sometimes I wondered if I hadn't bitten off more than I could chew with this early application, especially when I later got only a B- in the chemistry intermediate exam, which was the final grade for me.
Jordan
The big day finally arrived over the weekend. Everything went very smoothly, not at all like in the movies. On Sunday, January 11, 1998, my little sister was born. At two in the morning, after she had us waiting for almost twelve hours. When Sean and I were allowed in, she had already been bathed and had a pink bonnet on.
“Look, Jordan. This is your little sister, Laura.”
Mum carefully placed her in my arms while Klaus took lots of photos. She was frighteningly small. Sean bent over her and looked at her very closely.
“You did a good job. She's beautiful.”
She reached for his nose.
“She looks like Jordan did.”
“Really?”
“I was certainly never that small.”
Sean
Laura was born on January 11th. When I saw Jordan with her, it crossed my mind for a moment that I would never have children if I stayed with Jordan. Of course, I dismissed the thought right away. At 18, you should really be worrying about other things.
Jordan
After a few days, Mom and Laura came home. From then on, the calm was over. Klaus and Mom both soon had dark circles under their eyes. Poor Klaus also had to go to the office, my mother stayed at home. When Laura and I came back with Sean from our afternoon walks, my mother was usually fast asleep on the couch. Then Laura watched us study. When Sean turned a page, she was always fascinated. He often made dinner with us. His parents usually didn't get out of the office until around eight anyway. We invited Hannah and Summer over for my birthday. Sean cooked Indian food. In February, there were interim reports and he sent off his application. Since he had only A's except in music and could also show several letters of recommendation, his chances were more than good. After three weeks, he got the acceptance. And he already had an internship in sight. I continued to go to school and spent the breaks with Summer or Hannah.
Sean got the acceptance for his internship. When he told me where he was accepted, I tried not to show it, but I was pretty shocked. He didn't know it, but it was the same psychiatric clinic where I had spent almost ten months in rehab. For some reason, I didn't tell him that. The people there had seen me at my worst, and that was less than half a year ago. But there was no changing that now.
Things were going well between Sean and me. We grew closer and closer. After work, he always came straight to me, showered and excitedly told me about his great day. He often told me about patients our age who were being treated for drug-related psychoses and how devastated they were. He even knew the story that he had heard from a colleague about a patient who had posed as an intern and left the clinic with the staff every day for a week to eat lunch. Well, that was me. I hadn't made it easy for the people there.
Sean
We studied and looked after Laura. For Jordan's birthday, he wanted me to cook Indian food again. The intermediate exams were over and with that, my school days were over. In the last week of February, I started my internship at a specialist clinic for psychiatry and psychotherapy. I liked going straight to Jordan's in the evening, taking a shower or bath with him and having a quiet evening with him.
The work at the clinic was great. I was present during visits and examinations, such as CT and EEG. Although we heard many stories about incidents with patients, nothing ever really happened. The clinic was not that big and there was no forensic ward. A resident, Dr. Nelson, took me under his wing. He was not very popular with the patients, but he was brilliant at diagnostics. He always told me stories about a patient with borderline personality disorder who was there for drug withdrawal and who completely took the staff for a ride. It seemed that he was particularly targeted by him. These stories were entertaining, educational and frightening at the same time. Besides me, there were a lot of other interns, most of them female. We were distributed among the different wards. Emily and I ended up on ward A. We hit it off right away. She was the same age as me and had also finished school early. She was considering studying medicine or psychology. That's why she was there.
Jordan always seemed a bit down to me in the evenings. I thought Laura might be getting to him. I also noticed that he often had bloody nails; he was constantly picking at his cuticles. I never saw him eat; he always claimed he had already had dinner. And he slept very restlessly, once I even had to wake him up because he was digging his fingernails deep into his arm and it was already bleeding.
Beth came to visit. I was glad about that because she spent a lot of time with Jordan. She also thought he had become strange.
Jordan
Beth came to visit for a few weeks and since Sean was busy, she spent most afternoons with me and Laura. Every now and then we also went into town or something. When we were out and about in the city center again, it was half past four. Beth apparently had a brainwave.
“Hey, say, Sean's clinic must be around here, right?”
“I don't know. Why?”
“He should be finishing soon and the bus service is so bad. We should pick him up!”
“What? No, I don't think that's a good idea...”.
“Why not? I've never been to a psychiatric hospital before. I want to take a look. Come on or you can take the bus home!”
Ten minutes later we were parked in the hospital grounds, which were only too familiar to me.
“Let's just wait in the car. We'll see him when he goes to the bus...”
“Nonsense. Come on, maybe the porter will let us in.”
Of course, the porter let us in. She just took one look at me and pressed the pass button. Nothing had changed. The reception hall was still painted yellow, brightly and pleasantly furnished. Since everything was very open, you could see the staff walking from one wing to the next on the first floor. Patients wandered through the corridors. The clinic wasn't that big, so I soon found familiar faces. Fortunately, most of them were so absorbed in their thoughts that they didn't notice me. Beth was standing close to me.
“I didn't imagine it like this at all. It looks really nice.”
“So what are you going to do now? How are we going to find Sean?”
“We should ask at the gate.”
“Okay, do that. I'll wait here for now.”
No sooner had she gone than one of my former roommates came along.
“Jordan! Did they catch you again too? Hey, maybe you can come to my room! The guy who's in it now stinks.”
“Actually, I'm just picking someone up. I stayed clean... .”
“Really? Too bad... for me, that is. It's nice for you, of course. Well, I'd better go to my room or I'll miss dinner. See you around. Or not.”
“Yeah, see you... .”
Beth came back.
“What did he want?”
“Just talking, I think... .”
“Whatever. The doorman said the interns always leave around five and there's only one exit. So we can't miss him if we hang around here.”
“You just want to stand here like this? I don't know about that...”
We didn't get much further than that, because then Dr. Berg, a senior physician, approached us.
“Is everything okay here?”
“Yes, of course. We're just waiting for someone.”
“I saw you talking to Mr. Swinder. I don't need to remind you what the house rules are regarding illegal substances. So if Mr. Swinder has asked you to bring him anything, it is in his interest that you tell me.”
Beth looked shocked and was probably about to tell the doctor off for daring to mistake her for someone like that. I forestalled her.
“No, we just ran into him. Actually, we're waiting for someone else.”
“Well, you don't mind if I take a look at your bags in my office, do you?”
Beth was bright red in the face.
“You have no right to do that and you should be aware that I am a lawyer!”
“I meant more the bags of Mr. Bonanno.”
“That's all right, Beth. Of course you can do that. I have nothing to hide.”
Beth had put on her lawyer's face and wanted to go with her.
“You wait here. I'm used to it.”
Dr. Berg closed the office door.
“All right, you know how this works.”
I emptied my pockets onto his desk and turned them out.
“Good, and your shoes too, please.”
I took them off too and turned them inside out to show that nothing was falling out.
“Okay. Then I just need to know why you're here.”
“We're picking someone up. Beth's brother.”
“Name?”
“Not a patient. He's an intern here. Sean Wittmore.”
“Yes, I noticed him. And what's he got to do with you? I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't seem like the type...”
“The type to associate with junkies?”
“You know what I mean...”
“My mother remarried and we moved in with her husband. Sean is our neighbor.”
“All right. I'll settle for that.”
“You don't want to know how I am?”
“No matter how the patients are doing after the clinic, you always get the same answer. I made it, I stayed clean, I'm doing fantastic. So I've gotten out of the habit of asking.”
“I see.”
Beth was still standing in the hall, visibly annoyed.
“I'm sorry, Ms. Wittmore, but you understand that we have to be careful when it comes to illegal substances.”
“So careful that you even ignore the constitution?”
“I didn't conduct a search. The patients empty their pockets themselves. We don't touch them.”
“You know you're bending the law here.”
“You're a lawyer. That's your job.”
Beth didn't say anything else. I looked up and saw Sean standing with a resident I knew well at the railing of the passageway. They were looking down at us. I didn't like that at all. This guy, Dr. Nelson, was a real jerk. To him, patients were just people who disturbed him while he was doing more important things, like talking about golf. I once borrowed his master key, without his knowledge, of course, to meet up with Conny in town. He must have gotten a scolding from his boss as a result. Otherwise, I made his life as unpleasant as possible. And now he was standing up there talking nonstop. I motioned for Beth to look up. Dr. Berg followed our gaze.
“Oh, your favorite doctor.”
He waved the two down.
“What are you two doing here?”
“We were in town and thought we could save you a bus ride.”
“That's nice of you. I think I'm ready, then.”
Dr. Berg nodded.
“Well then, Mr. Bonanno, it was... interesting to see you again. Ms. Wittmore. I hope you're not still mad at me. I'd be happy to see you again.”
Nelson stood slightly apart, baring his teeth.
As soon as we were out the door, in the parking lot, Sean confronted me.
“Why didn't you tell me?”
“I don't know...”
“You were the supposed intern. And half of the other horror stories I've heard were about you too!”
“Yeah, I know, I wasn't exactly a model patient. But I was there for almost ten months. And I always had good reasons for breaking the rules...”
“Oh, what good reasons were there for tricking Dr. Nelsons into believing that you were hearing voices during the visit?”
“Oh, come on, that was hilarious. If he had just taken a look at my medical record before the visit, he would have known that I was there for detoxification...”
“Do you know how many patients each doctor sees in a day?”
“It's funny, but at least the other doctors manage to know their patients' diagnoses. Even the doctors on the ward round at the time thought it was funny. Why are you getting so worked up about it?”
“Why am I getting worked up about it? Do you know how I look to him now? He's my direct superior!”
“Yes, I'm sorry, but I couldn't have known that at the time! Besides, you must know what an idiot this guy is!”
“He's not an idiot. He's a brilliant doctor. Well, he should work on his bedside manner...”
“Yes! The next time a severely depressed patient comes to him and asks for a chat, he shouldn't berate him for arriving at a quarter to five and referring him to the next round of visits. Maybe then he won't go to the nearest toilet and cut his wrists.”
“That happened? And what happened to him?”
“He was found and put in the locked ward. And your Dr. Nelson is constantly pulling stunts like that. Most patients don't defend themselves because they have enough to deal with as it is. But I just didn't put up with it. I'm not denying that I did things I'm not proud of, but I don't regret making life difficult for this Nelson.”
“Jordan, you behaved like an idiot. You pretended to be an intern!”
“Yeah, but how was I supposed to know that it would work so well? You'd think someone would notice that a patient who isn't allowed to leave the building is sitting at the same table... I didn't do anything bad. I just wanted a proper meal again! And what they serve you is way better than what we get.”
“And what about the attack on a nurse?”
Sean almost screamed.
“Oh, please, I refused to take the pills. He wanted to fix me and couldn't do it. Of course I'll fight back if someone wants to tie me to the bed to force a dozen pills down my throat, without explaining what they're for. Besides, I had only been there a week and was still experiencing the full range of withdrawal symptoms, including paranoid ideas, as they say.”
“Nevertheless, I would have thought you were more sensible...”
“Sensible? Sean, open your eyes! Of course I wasn't sensible. I was hooked on heroin for years. How sensible is that? If you think I was bad in the clinic, I'm glad you didn't know me for the two years before that. I was a real asshole. All I cared about was getting the money for the next shot. That's what junkies are like. I was dirty, sick and mean. I put heroin in sugar and sold it. I hit my mother because she wouldn't give me any more money. I had nosebleeds from snorting coke three times a day, infections in my arms from injecting, and couldn't get it up because of all the poison in my body. If someone looked at me the wrong way, I'd give them a smack in the mouth. If someone hit me back, I didn't even feel it. I didn't eat anymore and I couldn't sleep either, because every time I closed my eyes, a thousand green-eyed spiders would crawl over my body. At some point, my face turned completely yellow and my liver was on the verge of failing. Sometimes my hair fell out in clumps and my skin was so dry that I scratched it raw. Sometimes my heart would beat faster and faster, I would start sweating and just fall over. And I didn't care. I didn't care what happened to me, whether I lived or died. That was me. At the end of my tether. That's my past. Worse than you can imagine. And you're upset because I gave a nurse a black eye?”
Sean looked at me, but I couldn't read his expression. Sad, definitely. And extremely disappointed. Beth was standing there too, leaning against her car, staring at me. No one said anything. Had I lost Sean now? Now that he had a picture of me a year ago? I felt panic rising inside me. I wished someone would finally say something. Nobody moved. Sean didn't look me in the eye. People came out of the clinic and went to the cars around us. Sean's facial features went cold.
“I'd rather take the bus.”
“Sean,....
”
In my third week at the clinic, I had just gathered my things and was ready to go when Nelson steered me to the passageway between two wings, from where you could see the entrance hall.
“I just had to show you this! Imagine who's back! The infamous Mr. B.”
I was, of course, more than eager to actually see this patient, having heard so much about his condition (borderline personality disorder and, as a result, severe substance abuse) and his escapades.
“Down there, with Dr. Berg. That's him, Mr. Bonanno. Now that he's back, I'm allowed to say the name.”
I don't think I can find the words to describe how I felt at that moment. I just stood there while Dr. Nelson recounted the highlights again. At some point, Dr. Berg looked up at us and waved us over.
“I'm probably supposed to do the recording. Man, that guy is getting on my nerves again. He has to show up here at five to five.”
I was completely overwhelmed by the situation. I just pretended that everything was fine.
It wasn't until we were in the parking lot that I couldn't hold it in anymore. What had shocked me so much was not only what Jordan had said about himself and how he didn't care what happened to him back then. I had also learned from Dr. Nelson that the drugs were only part of his problem. He was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Suddenly everything made sense. His impulsiveness, which had led to his broken arm, his strange eating habits, his mood swings, his all-or-nothing thinking, Nikki's concern for him, even the drugs fit the clinical picture. I just couldn't deal with that. I couldn't get in a car with him, but I also couldn't tell him that I knew, because I wasn't supposed to know any of that. If anyone found out, Dr. Nelson would definitely lose his job. Jordan got into Dr. Berg's car, and Beth and I drove off. I let her believe that it was about what Jordan had said. That had been bad enough.
Jordan
Dr. Berg approached us. Dr. Bishop, the psychotherapist I was still seeing twice a week, was walking next to him.
“Jordan, what are you doing here?”
“You live in Glendale, don't you?”
“Yes, you know that...”
“Can you give me a ride?”
“Sure, no problem. Dr. Berg is driving. We have a... carpool.”
Without saying goodbye, we went to Dr. Berg's Mercedes. I sat in the back. Dr. Bishop sat with me.
“You don't look well. What happened? Who was that?”
I squinted at Dr. Berg. Of course, he noticed that.
“Mr. Bonanno... may I call you Jordan?”
I nodded.
“Jordan, everything you tell me is subject to medical confidentiality. If you're afraid that I'll tell Mr. Wittmore something, then don't worry.”
“So, Jordan, what happened?”
“Sean Wittmore.”
“Sean... You mean our intern? Is he the Sean?”
I nodded. I pulled my legs up and tried not to burst into tears like a little child. I was so ashamed. I felt like if I opened my mouth to speak, I would lose control.
“Can you talk?”
I shook my head. Dr. Berg still hadn't started the car. I looked at the spot where Beth's car had been parked.
“They just left. Should I go too?”
I nodded.
“Jordan, can I tell Dr. Bishop what I know?”
I nodded again.
“So, Jordan was standing in the lobby and I just saw him talking to Mr. Swinder. When he left, Mrs. Wittmore came. I went over to make sure that Jordan hadn't given Mr. Swinder any illegal substances. We went to my office and Jordan emptied his pockets and so on. Everything was fine. Mrs. Wittmore was a little eccentric, but nothing else was out of the ordinary. Then Jordan spotted Dr. Nelson and Sean Wittmore at the top of the railing. The two were talking and then came down to us. We said goodbye and the three of them went out. Everything was okay. Ten minutes later, we found them standing by the car. You know the rest.”
“Okay, I see. Jordan, are you okay now?”
I scratched my hand nervously while I looked for Beth's car.
“Jordan, stop that, it's bleeding. Let me see.”
There was blood under my fingernails. I hadn't even felt it. That scared me. Dr. Bishop gave me a handkerchief, which I wrapped around my hand.
“Jordan, you need to calm down. Listen, did Sean know you were in the hospital?”
“Yes, but not that I was in this one.”
“Okay, and he found out today?”
I nodded.
“But I don't understand why that's important...”?
“He's heard the stories about me. Dr. Nelson must have told him all about it. Who knows how long they've been standing up there. And then we had a fight about it. And I told him that that was nothing, he should have seen me before the clinic. And then I told him everything. Everything I've done, what I looked like, how broken I was. I don't know why, I just couldn't stop talking. He looked at me as if I were the most disgusting thing he had ever seen. He was just about to leave when they came. I think that's it. Dr. Berg put it very well. Sean is not the type to associate with junkies.”
“But he knew you were an addict when he fell in love with you.”
Dr. Berg snorted audibly.
“I'm sorry, that was very unprofessional. I was just surprised.”
“Surprised that Sean likes boys or surprised that he gets involved with me?”
“I'm... I'm sorry.”
“It's okay, I don't know what he sees in me either.”
“No, really, I didn't mean it like that.”
Dr. Bishop cut in again.
“I think you've given Sean quite a mouthful that he'll have to digest first. I don't think he's seriously considering breaking up with you because of this. From what you've told me, your relationship is relatively strong. I understand that the way things went down really affected you, but please don't always see the dark side of things. Have faith.”
“It's not that easy. I just often have the feeling that Sean is too good for me and I'm afraid of the day when he'll realize that too.”
“I understand. But Jordan, the person you described before, no longer exists. You persevered and stayed clean. Very few people can do that. You got your life back on track and became a whole new person. The old Jordan shouldn't matter anymore, and Dr. Berg and I will definitely have a conversation with Nelson about confidentiality.”
“Okay....
I looked out the window again. This couldn't be possible!
“Look, in front of the steakhouse, that's Beth's car! I'm sure of it!”
“Well, I could do with a steak for dinner, don't you think?”
Dr. Berg parked right next to the car. It was empty.
“Let's go in then.”
Inside, we didn't have to look far to see Beth at a table.
“What are you doing here?”
“We saw your car outside. Where's your brother?”
“He's been in the bathroom forever. I don't think he's planning on coming out anytime soon...”
Dr. Berg went to check without hesitation, while Dr. Bishop and I sat down.
I later found out what had happened in the washroom. Sean was standing, staring into the mirror when the doctor entered the room.
“Dr. Berg, what are you doing here?”
“We saw your car and stopped by. Can I help you?”
“No thanks, I'm fine.”
“I know that's not true. I understand that you have experienced a lot today that is not so easy to process.”
“So Jordan told you? Terrific. I was hoping that at least at work I wouldn't be judged on who I'm with.”
“Of course, this is subject to medical confidentiality. And of course I don't judge you by who you're with, but by your excellent performance. You know more than some medical students who do internships with us. Listen, your boyfriend is sitting out there and he's really not doing well. He thinks he's lost you.”
“I don't know if he might be right about that...”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“With you? Isn't that strange? You're my superior.”
“And I was your friend's doctor for a long time. I think you should talk to me. Maybe it will help you if I tell you what I already know. So, you've been with Jordan for a long time.”
“Four months.”
“And you also knew that he had problems with drugs in the past?”
“Yes, I did. But he somehow presented it differently. For example, he never mentioned that he didn't care whether he lived or died and that he was already on the verge of liver failure. I just had a completely different picture of him in my head. As a poor victim who slipped into something and faced withdrawal and made it. But today I realized who he really is. He was one of the worst kind. Selfish, aggressive, criminal, the whole gamut. And the way he behaved in the clinic...”.
“They shouldn't really know about that.”
“Yes, but I do know it. Dr. Nelson couldn't have known that I knew Jordan.”
“That still wasn't right.”
“Can't be helped.”
“I was Jordan's ward supervisor at the time, and he was usually more entertaining than annoying. He just sometimes didn't know where to put his energy, and he took advantage of any gap in the system. That was very educational for us. Nobody could really hold his personal enmity with Dr. Nelson against him. I'm not trying to sugarcoat it, I just want to put it in perspective. Jordan had a hard time and did what he had to do. He was just eighteen and completely on his own.”
“He had his mother, after all.”
“I don't want to go into too much detail, but I can tell you that she only started visiting him in the last two months. But you should talk to him about that. I don't want to put you under pressure, but I know that you have an idea and know that Jordan is still at risk. Nevertheless, you have entered into a relationship with him and thus taken on responsibility. That's why I'm asking you to at least talk to him.”
“Yes, I know. It's just so hard. I just see him differently now.”
“I understand that. Give yourself time. But we should slowly go to the others anyway.”
“I hate such situations. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't go out there now, tell him that I think it was terrible who he was, but still love him and hold him.”
“Yes, I know that only too well... .”
“What do you mean?”
“I think I want to tell you that I know this problem from my own experience.”
“Really, you mean...?”
“I mean that Dr. Bishop and I have a carpool because we have the same goal. We live together. Very few people at the clinic know that, so I would be grateful if...”
“Of course, no question.”
Finally, the two came out of the washroom. Beth and Dr. Bishop had actually ordered a lot of food in the meantime and were just about to tuck in. I felt sick. Sean didn't look at me, but he sat down next to me. I looked at him imploringly. The others seemed to be busy with their food. Then finally he looked me in the eye.
“Let's go outside.”
Of course, I immediately jumped up.
It was now dawning outside. We walked around a corner and sat down on a stone wall that was not visible from the street.
“Jordan, you have to know that I will always be your friend, no matter what happens. But I honestly don't know if I can be with you anymore. I just need time to sort through all of this. I feel like I never really knew you.”
“Yes, you did! You really did. This is me. The Jordan you've gotten to know over the last six months, that's me. And I've been through hell to become the person sitting in front of you now. Sean, I love you. I need you. You're the person I went through all this for, because I knew you were out there somewhere. I can't change my past, but I can determine who I want to be today. And today I want to be the one who makes you happy. I want to be the one you come home to, I want to be the one you lie down with in bed, the one who is worthy of being loved by you. Please don't write me off because of the mistakes I made in the past. Judge only by what you see with your own eyes. I'm not asking for more than that.”
At some point, I had apparently reached for Sean's hand and he hadn't pulled away yet.
“I need to think about it. But I'm still here for you. Please don't fall back or anything because of that. I know I have to be considerate, but right now I just can't tell you that everything is fine. That would be a lie.”
He took me in his arms. I buried my face in the back of his neck, inhaled his scent and held him as tightly as he allowed me to.
“We should go back inside.”
He wiped a few tears from his face and stood up.
Inside, the plates were now empty and Beth was toying with the dessert menu. Sean didn't even sit down, but just said,
“We should be going soon...”
Beth put the money on the table and said goodbye. Dr. Bishop looked at me with concern.
“I'll see you tomorrow at four, right?”
“Of course, like every Wednesday.”
No one said a word in the car. At home, Sean just said 'good night' and went into the house. Beth stayed with me for a moment.
“I'm sorry about how that went.”
“Yeah, me too. I shouldn't have dropped that on you like that. It just had to come out.”
“I understand that. But I'm pretty shocked too. The whole thing has suddenly become so real, before that it was just a word. Junkie. I just didn't think about what that means. Pretty naive, I know. I'd better go check on Sean. See you tomorrow.”
I spent the rest of the evening playing Laura on the guitar and went to bed early.
Sean
I wanted to be with someone. I know it was a mistake, but I went to Emily's again. She didn't ask any questions. One thing led to another and we slept together.
Of course, after that I couldn't report to Jordan anymore. Emily naturally got hopes up, and the bad thing was that I really liked her. I could talk to her well, not about Jordan, of course, but about everything else. Beth noticed that I didn't come straight home after work, and after a few days she asked me point-blank if I had someone else. She was really angry with me about it and let me feel it.
At the hospital, Dr. Nelson asked me about Jordan. I didn't want to have to explain anything, so I passed him off as a friend of my sister's whom I hardly knew. I spent the weekend with Emily as well. Of course I felt guilty about it, but I just needed someone to unload some of my baggage on and for whom I was just the smart, likeable, aspiring doctor.
Jordan
The next day, after school, I went to see Dr. Bishop.
“You have to give Sean time. That's all you can do right now. I think Jeff... Dr. Berg will talk to him again. The two of them seem to have a pretty good connection. Jeff even told Sean something very personal yesterday, and I think you should know it, too.”
“Really? What?”
“When you stayed on my couch that time, you asked me if I was married. I told you that my partner was at a conference. That was only half the truth. Jeff was at that conference.”
“Dr. Berg and her? I would never have thought that! There weren't even any rumors about that.”
“We try... .”
“Why? Why do they go to such lengths to keep it secret?”
“We've been together since college, so for 15 years. Back then, it wasn't something you could be open about.”
“And why do they still do it?”
“Once something like this comes out, you can't take it back. It's final. You're just reduced to your sexuality and other people treat you differently. We both think it's better this way.”
“I don't get it. Sean feels the same way. But to me, it's just lying. And why should I lie about it? Who I'm with is an important part of me and I don't want to hide that. If someone has a problem with it, they have to deal with it, not me.”
“That's an admirable attitude, but it's not for everyone. Some of us just choose the easy way. The path of least resistance. And that's fine too.”
I didn't want to start a debate on principles, I had too much on my mind for that right now, so I shrugged and changed the subject.
I still hadn't heard from Sean by Friday. Beth suddenly didn't want to interfere and wasn't much help. Over the weekend, I talked to Summer about what had happened. She apparently had a pretty good idea of what it meant to be addicted to heroin. She consoled me as best she could. On Monday, I came home from school and was actually on my way to Dr. Bishop and then to the group. Mom and Klaus were already waiting.
“Jordan, I'm glad you're here. You have to take care of Laura. Klaus' mother fell and was taken to the hospital. We have to go there in any case. We may also have to stay overnight. I'm sorry to bother you, but we only found out about it twenty minutes ago.”
“Okay, no problem, but I would take her to Dr. Bishop and to the group.”
“As you like. She's fed and will probably fall asleep soon anyway. Because of school tomorrow, maybe you can go later, or you can think of something... We have to go. Thanks, honey. I'll call you.”
Laura was a bit grumpy during the bus ride home, but she fell asleep afterwards. Dr. Bishop was blown away by the little one. Besides Laura, our main topic was, of course, that Sean still hadn't gotten in touch.
It was Relatives Info Day again, like every eight weeks. Mum went with me the first time, but that was enough. But there were many new participants, so the room was quite full, and some people had brought their whole family. We tried to form the usual circle of chairs, but it was hopeless. So the relatives sat down behind their family member from the group. We waited until half past five and the last ones arrived. Some women gathered around Laura, who I put on the floor in front of me with her stretcher. Of course she woke up and I took her on my lap. Since I was sitting with my back to the door, I didn't see who entered the room, but only heard chairs being pushed back and forth behind me. Laura was getting fussy again. I tried to calm her down with her pacifier or bottle, but that wasn't the right thing to do.
“Should I take her?”
I turned around and there were Dr. Berg and Sean.
“What are you doing here?”
I put Laura Sean in the lap. He grasped her neck and found that she was too warm. So he opened her cardigan and took off her extra socks.
“Your mom always packs them too much. And here the many people heat up the room quite a bit.”
She had stopped whining and was looking at Sean's face with great interest.
“I'm glad to see you.”
“Well, Dr. Berg gave me a ride home after work. And he wanted to come here anyway, so I came with him.”
Dr. Bishop closed the door and started. At the beginning, everyone introduced themselves and briefly said who they had brought with them. A glance at Sean told me how to introduce him.
“I'm Jordan, clean for over a year, and I have my little sister and my best friend with me.”
Sean thanked me with a look. Laura had fallen asleep on his lap.
At seven o'clock it was over. I took Laura again and put her in her stretcher. Sean stretched first, he had hardly been able to move. Most people left the room right away. We took some time. Dr. Berg helped Dr. Bishop clean up. For the first time I noticed the familiarity between them. Sean put our chairs away. We said goodbye and made our way to the bus. At the bus stop, we met another member of the group, Eddie. He was five years older than me and had been in the group forever. In the meantime, he had also relapsed several times and had been treated in hospital repeatedly.
“Hello everyone.”
“Hey, Eddie! Where's your car?”
“I lost my license. I was in the clinic again until two weeks ago. Hey, didn't I see you there once?”
He was talking to Sean.
“Quite possible, I'm doing an internship there.”
“Oh, what kind?”
“Medicine. I'm going to UCLA in the fall.”
“Not bad.”
I asked him if he had brought anyone with him.
“No, not this time. My sister has to work and my girlfriend is now an ex-girlfriend.”
“What, again?”
“Well, it's not something I chose. And why don't you ever bring your girlfriend?”
“What makes you think I have one?”
“Well, because of what you said a few months ago. Where everyone asked you about your secret recipe because you're the only one in the group who's managed to stay 100% clean for a year... And you said that you already felt during rehab that someone was waiting for you out there and that you found that someone. And that gives you the strength and the motivation to hold out.”
“Yes, I guess I did say that.”
Sean knew it was up to him. He gave me Laura and held out his hand to Eddie.
“Jordan, I think you should properly introduce me again.”
“Gladly. Eddie, this is Sean. The someone in question.”
Eddie looked a bit confused and didn't know if he had understood that correctly.
“Don't look like that, you got it right.”
“Yeah? Okay, crazy....”
“I hope we didn't rush you too much with this.....”
“No, that's not what I mean. I mean, crazy, Jordan! A medical student! The most educated I ever brought home was a secretary. So, at some point you'll probably be with a doctor. Crazy.”
I had to grin.
“Yes, Sean is top of his year. He finished school early and has already got a place at university. I think it's crazy too. And you're okay with the other thing?”
“Please, I couldn't care less.”
The bus arrived. Eddie got off at the next stop. Sean looked at me in amazement.
“Wouldn't he have been just as fast if he'd walked?”
“Probably. But Eddie had a bad experience on the corner back there. And since then, he only passes it by bus or car.”
“Okay... Otherwise, he seems quite nice.”
“Yeah, sure. He's just pretty depressed. Last week he didn't talk at all and just went out to cry every now and then. When he's on drugs, he's fine. I guess he was just pretty high.”
“What? You think so? But you didn't notice it at all... .”
“If you know him, you can tell... .”
“But what does Dr. Bishop say about it?”
“What can he say? Eddie has been in the clinic four times in the last year, but so far he has relapsed every time. You heard it yourself, he's only been out for a few weeks and he's already back at it. He has to get his act together, no one can do it for him.”
Sean looked at me thoughtfully.
“You've done quite a bit. I can't even imagine how hard the withdrawal must have been. And the readjustment too. And even now. You can be really proud of yourself.”
“Thanks. But I'm just doing what's necessary to...”
I stopped.
“To what?”
“...to be with you. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put you under pressure with that. I know you need time.”
“Jordan,...”
“Now you're probably going to give me a lecture about how I'm actually doing this for myself and all that. And I know that. I just don't think I would have made it this far without you. You're helping me, so to speak, to help myself.”
“I don't know what to say to you. You know what you mean to me. It's just all so hard. Why does everything have to be so hard for us? And I also wonder if it wouldn't have been better if we had found each other in a few years. After all, I'm only 18. I didn't really plan on finding the right person so early. It scares me.”
“Yes, I know you never had the chance to enjoy the single life. I, on the other hand, have had enough experiences for ten. But we'll manage. You know you can talk to me about anything...”
“Are you offering me an open relationship?”
“For me, fidelity doesn't necessarily have anything to do with sex. As long as you're always honest with me, I can live with a lot. I'm aware that many relationships don't survive college. It's just important that we respond to each other's needs.”
“Thank you for understanding. I don't want to lose you. I can't imagine life without you anymore.”
“So you're not breaking up with me?”
“No, I couldn't do that.”
“Thank God. Sean, I really want to kiss you right now.”
The bus was relatively empty and we were sitting at the back, so Sean leaned over to me.
Sean
On Monday, Dr. Berg asked me to come to his office. He had been informed by Dr. Bishop that I hadn't spoken to Jordan in a week. He finally persuaded me to go with him to Jordan's group that evening.
I didn't know how to face him at all. I was glad that Laura was with me, so we had something to talk about. We didn't talk much on the way to the bus. I didn't even know what I wanted. Then we met Eddie. Next to him, Jordan seemed so normal. And then there was that story that Jordan told about how he knew during rehab that he had to make it for me, even though we didn't even know each other yet. Hearing that again was very moving. I almost wanted to tell him about Emily and ask him to just wipe out everything that had happened in the last week. But I was afraid of how he would react. He said himself that he wouldn't have made it this far without me, and I couldn't just blurt out that I slept with a colleague. But it wasn't long before he smelled a rat.
Jordan
The next day I took Laura to school with me. I had called in advance and the ladies in the secretariat had agreed to take care of the little one during the lessons.
Mum and Klaus came back in the evening, but announced that they would leave again the next morning. This time they wanted to take Laura with them, because they wanted to wait for the operation for two days and Mum didn't want to be separated from her that long. Sean slept over. We talked for a long time. He had since spoken to others at the clinic about me, and not everyone had such a bad opinion of me as Nelson. He had also spoken to Dr. Berg about what it's like to be with a man and keep it a secret. But I had the feeling that something else was on his mind.
“Sean, I've been thinking about our conversation on the bus. And I have a question for you. Please be honest, okay?”
“Okay, what?”
“Are you thinking about the whole 'found-too-soon' thing because you met someone at the clinic?”
Sean just stared at me for a moment. Then he wrestled with himself and finally started talking.
“Somehow there could be a reason for it...”
A flash of lightning went through me internally, but I didn't let it show on the outside.
“Okay, I had a feeling...”
“But don't get me wrong. Nothing happened or anything like that. It's just that... people naturally ask personal questions sometimes. Like, do I have a girlfriend, for example. And I just say no. And that makes the others assume that I'm single, of course. Well, there's someone...”
“Someone? Man or woman?”
“Woman, of course! What do you think?”
“I don't know, I thought someone said you were with a guy...”
“Yeah, very funny. You know, we can leave it at that...”
“No, it's okay, I'm sorry. I want to hear this. Go on.”
“All right. Anyway, there's this intern. And she asked me if we wanted to do something together. I didn't know what to say. So I said something noncommittal like 'we'll see'.”
“And you would like to meet up with her?”
“I don't know... She's nice and interesting. I'd like to get to know her better. I just don't know what she might expect. I mean, she's female and single, I'm male and, in her opinion, single too...“.
“Do you want something like that too?”
“I don't know... if I were actually single, I wouldn't hesitate for a second... but as it is...”.
“Listen, we're not married or anything. I don't want to stand in your way.”
“Are you serious? You know, if you're offering me something like that, I'd like to see what happens...”
“Yeah, sure. Go for it. I just don't want you to have to hide anything from me.”
“Thanks, Jordan. I love you all the more for that.”
He pulled me into his arms and soon fell asleep. I, on the other hand, stayed up late...
Mom and Klaus were away for the weekend.
When Sean came home on Friday, I assumed that we would have a cozy weekend together...
“Hello darling, I'm home, what's for dinner?”
“What 50s TV show did you come from?”
He grinned mischievously at me and kissed me on the cheek.
“Are you saying you're not going to stand behind the stove? Well then, I'll probably have frozen food today, I don't have time to cook anything else.”
“What, why not?”
“Well, I'm going to the movies with a few others from the clinic and then have a drink or something afterwards. Didn't I tell you...?”
“No, actually not. I thought we would use the empty house...”
“Oh, I'm sorry. But I'll try not to be too late and tomorrow is another day.”
“Sure. Take your time... So, who are you going with?”
“You want to know if she's there, right?”
I felt quite caught, as I had tried to sound as casual as possible.
“I... .”
“It's okay, I understand. Yes, the suggestion came from her. But there are more of us. Some others are coming too.”
“Great. Well then, why don't you hop in the shower and I'll see what's in the freezer.”
I called Summer and asked her what she was up to. She was immediately excited about the fact that I had an empty house and drummed up the rest. Sean and I were still eating and then he was gone. At eight, the others slowly started to arrive. They had apparently been given fresh grass and were keen to test its quality. Of course, I kept thinking about what Sean was doing and I wondered how I could offer him something like that. I kept reminding myself that in the long run it was the only way to keep him with me and lit a cigarette. That didn't really make it any better though. We sat in my room and the joints went around. Strangely, everyone was absorbed in conversation today. I was brooding again and took a deep drag quite casually. It was only when I exhaled that I realized I had already put out my cigarette. I was holding a joint in my hand. I quickly passed it on. Nobody seemed to have noticed anything. The effect was as intense as it was when I took my first drag back then. Maybe even more intense. I immediately felt this pleasant, comfortable feeling and how my thoughts came to rest. On the one hand, I enjoyed it, but on the other hand, I was afraid of what this train could trigger. But it was too late for that anyway, so I leaned back and soaked up the atmosphere. The people sat relaxed and satisfied in a circle and talked about nice topics. I noticed how brightly purple strands of purple shone. The doorbell rang. A joint crossed my path and I took another drag. It didn't matter anymore. I went downstairs and opened the door.
“Surprise.”
I blinked a few times before I could say anything.
“Nikki? What are you doing here? Come in!”
“First you have to tell me if I can sleep here tonight. Then I'll send the cab away.”
“Sure, sure!”
We went up to the second floor.
“Do you have people visiting?”
“Yes, but now we're going up a floor where we can talk in peace.”
“And your people?”
“They won't even notice. Come on!”
“Where is Sean?”
“Oh him... he has a date tonight.”
“I see...”
Upstairs in the master bedroom, she told me that she had come to town to ask her old employer for a letter of recommendation. The limo service wasn't making as much money as it used to, and she was having trouble with some guy. Josh was staying with her parents in San Francisco for the time being. She didn't seem to be doing very well. She was taking some pills. She started to cry and put her arm around my shoulder. I felt so much for her. All feelings were so strong. I kissed her forehead almost fatherly, then we just looked at each other and it was like in the old days. Whenever one of us was down, the other was there to comfort him, usually with sex. Before I even thought about it, we were lying there, tightly embraced. Just like old times. It was almost surreal. It was as if she had appeared out of nowhere to catch me. When we had undone each other, Nikki wrapped herself in the blanket.
“Are you feeling better now?”
“Yes, how did you know?”
“Jordan, I can see how you are. I'm sorry, I liked Sean. Why did you break up?”
“We didn't break up. We had a fight, but we were able to work it out. He's out with colleagues.”
Nikki's face went stone.
“I should go. This was a big mistake.”
“Nikki, what's the matter all of a sudden?”
“You said he had a date, so I concluded... The last thing I want is to mess that up for you. I'll just go back...”
“Now just wait...”
She got dressed in record time and was already out the door when I was still looking for my T-shirt. By the time I came down, she had already disappeared. I went back to the others. They hadn't even noticed that she was there. Maybe I had imagined the whole thing...
Sean arrived around midnight and of course he wasn't exactly thrilled that there was smoking dope in the room where he wanted to sleep. The others had had enough anyway and left. Sean looked at me quizzically.
“Somehow you look different... .”
I felt my ears getting hot.
“What? Why?”
“Oh, I don't know... Well, how was your evening?”
“The usual... And you?”
“Very nice. Except for me being surrounded by women. I can tell you what they were talking about... Anyway, the movie was rather boring, which of course gave us a lot to talk about. After that, we had a drink and got totally stuck in chatting. I really enjoyed myself.”
“I'm glad. I'm kind of hungry. I'll make another sandwich and then go to bed, I think...”
“All right. Then I'll air out the place and tidy up a bit...”
That night I slept like a log. And the next morning I was almost convinced that Nikki had never really been here.
“Good morning. I've already prepared something to eat. It's almost noon. I want to leave in an hour.”
“What? Where to?”
“Oh, we were talking yesterday about how we all want to do a lot more sports. And to walk the talk, some of us are going for a swim later. Just an hour or so.”
“Oh, okay. Well, I still have to do something for school anyway.”
At seven that evening, Sean finally turned up. I had spent the whole day wondering whether I should smoke the joint that someone had forgotten. I couldn't bring myself to throw it in the toilet. In the end, I had smoked it.
“Hey. I'm back.”
“Yeah, I can see that.”
“I'm sorry, I'm a bit late.”
“Yeah, I can see that too...”
“I'll make it up to you...”
He kissed me and pushed up my T-shirt.
“Don't. Not now.”
“Is something wrong?”
“Sean, I've been sitting here all day. You said you'd be back soon. I needed you today.”
“Why? What's going on?”
“Forget it. Listen, I'm going out on the town tonight with Summer and the others, and I still have a lot to do before then. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?”
I pushed him to the front door.
“But what about us? We haven't taken advantage of the empty house yet.”
“Well, I've been here all day... It doesn't matter now... I'll see you tomorrow.”
When he had gone, I looked out of the window until he disappeared in his front door. Then I took my jacket and went out. I didn't know where to go myself until I stood in front of the house where Mex lived. I stood there for at least half an hour. I knew what would happen if I went in there. I was at the point we had discussed so often in the group. I also knew how it had come to this. And I knew what I had to do now. I went to the nearest bus stop and got on the next bus. Then I looked for the best way to get to my therapist. At half past eight I was standing in front of the house. Nobody was home, so I just sat down on the doorstep and waited.
Two hours later, Dr. Bishop and Dr. Berg came home.
“Jordan, what are you doing here? Come in.”
Dr. Berg went to the kitchen and made coffee. Dr. Bishop sat down with me in the living room.
“So, what happened?”
“I smoked pot last night. And I don't feel like it was just a one-time thing. I have a strong desire for harder things. I even stood in front of an old friend's house... .”
“Okay, you didn't go in, but you came to me. That was right. And have you noticed in the last few days that you were heading for a relapse?”
“I just didn't want to admit it to myself.”
“Okay, and can you tell me what you think triggered it?”
“We had that fight. And I felt backed into a corner, so I told Sean he could go out with other people.”
“And then he did?”
“Yes, but I think if I don't give him that freedom, I'll lose him.”
“Okay, but if you give him that freedom, what will happen to you?”
“I'll probably crash again.”
“And do you think that's what he would want? You have to talk to him about it, show him your limits too. You're pretty good at hiding it, he can't really know how bad you feel about it.”
“Yes, I know. But it's not that easy. But I'll try to talk to him about it...”
“Jordan, I know you don't want to hear this, but I feel that you are too close to the edge to fix it with talking. I think you should go to the clinic for a few weeks to stabilize yourself. Before you say anything: There's a two-week vacation from school now, so you wouldn't miss anything there. If you keep going like this, you'll end up back there anyway, but for longer. And then your graduation will be at risk. So it really is the most sensible thing not to put it off any longer. If you want, I'll also talk to your mother and explain to her that it's just a matter of prevention.”
“She's not at home. She'll be back tomorrow night.”
“So you're alone tonight? Then I'd prefer it if you slept here.”
Dr. Berg brought us coffee. He assured me that I would not be assigned to the ward where Nelson worked. Since Sean was his intern, he would not be involved in my treatment either. The thought of what my mom and Sean would say kept me up all night.
In the early afternoon, I called home and found out that my mom and Klaus were back already. Dr. Bishop drove me home and talked to them both. He explained that the aim was to prevent a relapse and to use the vacation to stabilize me and prevent my graduation from being in jeopardy. They actually took it quite well, especially my mom surprised me. She also said that Sean had been there several times and had asked about me. As we were wondering how best to tell him, the doorbell rang and he was there.
“Oh, hi. What's going on?”
“Why don't you sit down first. So. Jordan and I have decided that Jordan will spend the holidays in the clinic for stabilization.”
“What? Did something happen? Are you okay?”
“Yes... it's just prevention. Imagine if I collapsed just before the exams?”
“Okay. I've taken the week off. But of course I'll visit you and everything.”
“Yes, we can discuss all that. So, Dr. Bishop, thank you. I'll see you at the clinic tomorrow morning.”
I started packing. Sean was sitting on my bed.
“So, what exactly happened? Dr. Bishop wouldn't come here on Sunday for no reason.”
“Sean, I don't want to and can't talk about it now. I still have so much to do.”
“Okay, I understand that. But you know, I was worried about you. You were so strange last night and then you just disappeared again...”
“Yes, I know. It's a bad habit. I was with Dr. Bishop, as always. But now I really don't want to talk about it anymore.”
I was standing at the closet, going through the drawers. Sean came over to me and hugged me from behind. He whispered in my ear
“I'm always here for you, Jordan. You're the love of my life.”
Then he stepped back, stretched, and spoke in a normal voice again.
“So, can I do something to help?”
I handed him a load of laundry that needed to be washed and dried by tomorrow.
Sean
asked me a few days later if there was someone at the clinic. I admitted that there was someone, but when I saw the shock in his eyes, I couldn't say that it had already happened. I just couldn't refuse his offer to see what happened with Emily. The following Friday, I went to the movies with her and a few others. When I came home, the place was full of smoke and Jordan was acting strangely. He ate a sandwich with sausage, which seemed very strange to me, and then he fell into bed and slept. I stayed up half the night thinking about the evening. I realized that I was starting to fall in love with Emily. But somehow it felt more like an escape, as if I was looking for an excuse to break up with Jordan. He was acting more and more strangely. And he slept and slept.
The next day, I decided to meet up with the others again. Strangely, only Emily showed up for a swim. We had a really nice afternoon and the time just flew by. I didn't think much about what was going on with Jordan. A big mistake, as it turned out. When I went to see him that evening, he seemed restless. He didn't want to talk and immediately pushed me out the door. He did say something like, “I needed you today.” That worried me. Around midnight, I knocked on his window, but he didn't seem to be there yet.
The next day, I rang the bell and then waited until Carol and Klaus came back. Jordan hadn't come home that night. Carol sent me home and said she'd take care of everything. Late that afternoon, I saw Dr. Bishop's car in the driveway and went over immediately. Something was wrong, and it turned out that it was. Officially, Jordan was supposed to be in the clinic for prevention, but I knew that the relatives of relapsing patients were often told that. I was so scared. No one told me what was actually going on. Jordan didn't want to talk, he was so dismissive. It was awful. I couldn't do anything but help him pack. He already indicated that he didn't want any visitors for a while. His mother took it surprisingly easy. Jordan went to bed at ten and sent me home. I cried myself to sleep and swore to myself that I would no longer see Emily and would do everything I could to make Jordan feel better. It was my fault that he had to go back to the clinic, I was sure of it.
Jordan
The next morning, Klaus drove me to the clinic. I had chosen this because the risk of embarrassing goodbye moments was lowest with him. I also said that I would be fine without visitors for a while, but that I would appreciate phone calls. After all the formalities were taken care of, I was put in a room with two others on the ward I had never been to before. Of course, most of the staff still looked familiar to me, and Dr. Berg and three female interns were present during the visit. I wondered if she was there.
One of my roommates was in his late forties and psychotic. There wasn't really much to start with with him. The other one was in his mid-twenties and was being treated for depression as a result of alcohol withdrawal. He seemed quite nice and was happy to finally have someone to start with. I noticed that his hair was pitch black, but his eyes were quite light, blue-gray or something. He asked me if he should show me around.
“Thanks for the offer, but I've been here for rehab before.”
“Alcohol too?”
“No, illegal drugs.”
“Oh, okay. Well, have you got your therapy plan yet?”
“Yes, the addiction group is this afternoon. I assume you're going there too?”
“Twice a week, yes. OK, so what else do you want to do today? I don't want to impose and I won't be angry if you say no, but I've recently been allowed out, but only with a fellow patient or relative.”
“Yes, of course, I'd like that.”
After the group, we set out to explore the area. Of course, I still had a lot to show Vince, as he was called. The nearest supermarket, leisure activities and so on. We had probably been walking for over an hour and had been talking non-stop. Slowly, the topics became more personal. I told him about my addiction and he told me about his. And at some point, it was also about who was close to you and so on. He suddenly became rather reserved.
“Hey, if it's getting too personal for you, it's really no problem, Vince. I mean, we just met today. That's okay.”
“No, it's not. I can talk to you. And we have similar problems, I don't want to scare you off.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I've had bad experiences with being too open here in the clinic....
“I'm not easily shocked, so tell me what you want to say.”
I was really curious to see what would come next.
“Okay, you'll find out about it sooner or later anyway. I've already had to change rooms because of it once and was stuck with that guy who doesn't get it anyway. So I'd rather know where I stand right away...”
“Now you're making it exciting!”
“Okay, I want to start off by saying that I'm in a 100% monogamous relationship.”
“Okay, Vince, that's nice. What else?”
“Okay and please don't say anything for now, just listen to the end. So I'm gay, it may well be that my boyfriend, David, visits me, I don't want you to be totally offended, so I'll tell you right away. The guys in the other room suddenly didn't want to sleep in the same room with me anymore, change and so on. But that's absolute nonsense, I love my boyfriend and only him and I'm not interested in anyone else, so...
He got really nervous, I felt like I had to say something. I couldn't help but grin.
“Vince, just wait a minute.”
“Don't laugh about it, I'm serious.”
“I'm sorry. Really. Okay, I'm just realizing a few things.”
“If you're going to say that I come across as a sissy or something...”
“No, don't go on the defensive right away. What I realize is why they put us in the same room.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
He looked pretty irritated.
“Calm down, Vince. All I'm saying is that it's quite possible that my friend will come to visit too.”
“You're making fun of me, right?”
“No, honestly.”
“Really? That's amazing, I would never have thought that. Man, that's a load off my mind.”
When we came back, it was already time. David was waiting in the room with our psychotic, who was telling him how he had written one hit after another with Elvis back in the day. Fortunately, he was being taken to an examination at that very moment. I shook David's hand. He was in his mid-30s, well-dressed, and wore horn-rimmed glasses.
“Hey, I'm Jordan. I've been in here since this morning too.”
“Hello. David. I'm a colleague of Vince.”
“So that's what they call it these days. I think I'll leave you two alone. If I ask the nurses nicely, they'll let me call my friend from their phone.”
I noticed David's perplexed face, then I went to the nurses' station. I was lucky and knew someone.
“Hello Mr. Bonanno, so you're back. How are you?”
“Actually, I'm doing quite well. I'm only here for stabilization, as they say, but I'm sure you know that.”
“Yes, of course. And how can I help you?”
“Who says I want something?”
“My experience with you.”
“Touché. Actually, you could help me. As you probably noticed, my roommate just got a visitor... .”
“Let me guess! Now you want a new room.”
“No, not at all. I just want to give them some privacy. But I have an urgent call to make. That's why I wanted to ask...”
“Only if it's really urgent.”
“Of course.”
“But hurry up.”
She let me through to the back and I dialed Sean's number. Since we had agreed on the time, he answered the phone himself.
“Hello, it's me.
“Hey Jordan. How are you? Have you settled in yet?”
“Yes, it feels like coming home. That's why I wanted to tell you that you don't have to visit me this week.”
“Are you sure? I miss you... .”
“Yes, I know, I miss you too. But believe me, it's better this way.”
“But next week, when I start working again. I'll see you then, okay?”
“Yes, of course. Well, I have to go. I love you.”
“I love you. Take good care of yourself, okay? And be nice to the others.”
“Of course. See you then.”
“See you.”
Sister Nadine looked at me reproachfully.
“So that was your urgent conversation?”
“That's why I was extra brief.”
“At least. So, Mr. Bonanno, are you hiding your girlfriend from us or why can't she visit?”
“I think I'll go check on things in my room. Enough privacy.”
The next morning, Vince and I went to relaxation therapy together. After that, we sat in the sun for a bit until rounds started. Dr. Berg came along the way.
“Ah, Mr. Bonanno, Mr. Yadis! I knew you would get along.”
“I suspected you. You arranged for us to be put in the same room.”
“Indeed. And have you found out why yet? Apart from the obvious, I mean.”
“Yes, I've already met David.”
“Good. Well, it's almost ten. You should go back to your room.”
We did just that, but then had to wait forever for the doctor to come to us.
“So Dr. Berg has known you for a while, huh?”
“Yes, last time I was mainly in his ward.”
“He really thought about it. Tell me, how long have you been with your boyfriend?”
“Since November.”
“That's still relatively fresh. And is everything going well?”
“It doesn't seem that fresh to me. Whether everything is going well... hard to say. Right now, everything is a little... difficult.”
“Do you think you'll work it out?”
“Yes, of course. It's just a low point.”
“Yes, these things happen, they work themselves out. And if not, other fish have nice fins, too. During the rounds, for example. The interns always change shifts. And on Tuesday and Thursday there's one of them... I'll tell you, I almost wish my relationship with David wasn't so monogamous. I think it's a disgrace anyway that there are half a dozen female interns but only two male ones. And the one is short, chubby and spotty. Well...
The door opened and a flood of people in lab coats came in. We were asked to step outside first, the psychotic was first in line. As we walked out, Vince asked the group:
“Where are the rest of the interns?”
“Some of them have the week off.”
The pimply-faced guy said to a girl:
“I know someone who's very sad about that.”
The girl blushed. Vince played the disappointed one.
“I guess that means Mr. Wittmore is already taken.”
The girl was still red, but went along with it.
“Well, I'm sorry, nothing can be done.”
Dr. Berg looked at me in astonishment. I made sure to get out of the room. Vince was right behind me.
“Jordan, are you okay? This is the big round of visits, but if there are too many people for you, then you can probably ask for the interns to leave.”
Vince looked at me with concern.
“It's okay, it was just a momentary thing. I'm fine now.”
When it was my turn, Dr. Berg made sure that I was only questioned as briefly as possible and pointed out that Dr. Bishop was in the building today. I understood the hint, but I didn't feel the need for a one-on-one conversation. I kept glancing at the girl, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible.
In the afternoon, I ran into her in front of a therapy room. There wasn't much traffic in the hallway and I was the first person waiting. She sat on the middle of three plastic chairs and greeted me with a smile. She was quite pretty.
“Do you have a watch?”
“Yes, it's a quarter to.”
“Oh, then I'm pretty early. For the addiction group.”
“Yes, I know, I was there during your visit.”
“Oh yes, right, you were the one with the red head.”
“Yes, that was me.”
Her ears were blushing again.
“Your colleague was really very tactless.”
“Yes, that was typical of him.”
I could tell that she would have liked to cut the conversation short. She was probably unsure about how much she was allowed to talk to patients at all.
“I can tell you're uncomfortable, I can wait outside if you prefer….”
“No, it's nice, but I just feel uncomfortable talking about this.”
“I see, it must still be fresh in your mind.”
“Yes, you could say that.”
“Well, the week will be over quickly. And we can meet outside of work.”
“Sure, that's what I thought too. But... oh, it's complicated... We don't know each other that well yet, so we don't talk about everything. I don't know why, but he said he wouldn't be home this week. But I found out by accident that he is here after all... .”
Suddenly she seemed to remember who she was talking to.
“I don't want to be rude, but I don't think this conversation is appropriate. You're a patient here...”
“Yes, of course, I'm sorry.”
I had heard enough, got up and stood a few feet away. Vince came around the corner and I talked to him. When the door was unlocked, she went in, to my amazement. She probably noticed my irritated look.
“I'm doing this internship to decide what I want to study. Medicine or psychology.”
“Oh, I thought you were already a student.”
“No, I just finished school earlier.”
So she was not only pretty, but also smart. I didn't like that at all.
Of course, Dr. Bishop approached me. I had expected that. But what he said caught me off guard.
“I talked to Jeff. You knew about it, right?”
I nodded and wondered at the sharp tone.
“Jordan, you faked a relapse so that I would admit you and you could get an idea of what's going on, right?”
“Do you think I'm that calculating?”
“Just answer me.”
“No, it wasn't like that. I knew that Sean was interested in an intern and that they had been hanging out a couple of times in group. That was also what triggered the relapse. I didn't fake anything.”
“Why didn't you tell me about her when I suggested the clinic?”
“I don't know. What would that have changed?”
“It would have prevented me from feeling manipulated.”
“I'm sorry. Honestly.”
“All right.”
The weekend came and Mom visited me after all. She had Laura with her. Vince was just out walking David when they arrived. I was glad they were there. I had actually missed Laura. Mom talked to the nurses in their room and I watched Laura fall asleep on my bed. Vince and David came back and were naturally surprised to see a baby.
“Jordan, do you want to tell us something?”
“May I introduce my sister Laura?”
“And where did she come from?”
“David, you should explain to your friend about the bees and flowers.”
“Haha. I mean, where did she come from all of a sudden?”
“My mom brought her. She's standing out there talking to the sisters.”
“You mean that hot woman in her twenties standing out there whose ass I just checked out? There's no way that could be your mother.”
We looked at David in amazement.
“What, you're not allowed to appreciate perfection, regardless of gender?”
“That's really gross. That's my mom, so control yourself. And she's more in her mid-thirties.”
I had to show them how that was possible first, I already knew that. Then I introduced them, giving David another admonishing look.
Monday came. Sean had to be back, but he wasn't present during the rounds. I didn't meet him otherwise either. I wouldn't really have known how to deal with it, especially if she had been there.
On Tuesday after gymnastics, Vince unnecessarily reminded me that it was Tuesday.
“Today is the day, today the interns from the other wards are also on the grand rounds. I'm curious to see what you think of him. He's just perfect. Tall, slim, blond, handsome, always smiling. And he's smart too. You don't find that too often.”
I was very proud, of course, but I just said that I was very curious to see if he wasn't promising too much.
Around eleven there was a knock at the door and the whole gaggle of white coats poured in. Vince and I headed straight for the exit, because the psychotic was first in line as usual. It got quite crowded in places and we squeezed past the interns on our way out the door. There were at least eight or nine of them. Of course, Sean was one of them. I hadn't seen him for a whole week and suddenly realized how much I missed him. He was standing in the doorway holding it open for us. Vince squeezed past closer than necessary and greeted him with a hello that was politely returned by Sean. Our eyes met briefly and at the moment I was closest to him, it was almost unbearably difficult not to touch him at least fleetingly.
When the door closed behind us, Vince patted me on the shoulder.
“I knew he was your type.”
“I haven't said anything about it yet!”
“You didn't need to, you undressed him with your eyes.”
“Oh nonsense.”
“All right, I won't tell your friend if you don't tell mine.”
Sean
I spent my week off at home, reading up on the diagnosis of borderline. I recognized some of it in Jordan, but luckily not the rest. It was likely that the symptoms were more pronounced earlier on.
During the week, I really missed him a lot. I almost wanted to go and see him a few times, but how could I have explained that there? I had to wait.
On Monday, as always, there was a lot going on, some new patients and so on. I didn't get around to going to Jordan. And Emily kept trying to get me to explain why I hadn't gotten in touch all week.
On Tuesday, I was on rounds with Jordan's ward, as always. I had already found out which room he was in. He was doing quite well with his roommates. One of them was always wandering the corridors and talked about Elvis and Mr. Yadis. An artist, not in the deepest of depressions, alcohol withdrawal, obviously gay. During my first week, I had attended all the psychotherapies to see where the patients were sent. He had been my partner in body awareness training. He seemed really nice, the only thing that bothered me was that he kept hitting on me, even if it was just for fun, because his partner visited him regularly. He was quite a bit older and looked like a mixture between a businessman and an art dealer. In any case, I was sure that Jordan would get along well with Mr. Yadis. As the visit drew ever closer to his room, I started to get nervous. What would it be like to see Jordan as a patient? I had never really thought about what it meant to have a relative in the “madhouse”. And I missed him so much, but I couldn't show it. Mr. Yadis and he left the room together. They seemed to have become friends already. I held the door open for them and said a quick hello. I just wanted to reach out and touch him. I had to see him.
Jordan
My visit was once again kept short, I didn't need any medication and I was otherwise well looked after. I didn't see Sean at all, he was probably standing in some corner. Right after the visit, the psychotic was brought in for an examination and Vince had a one-on-one talk. I was reading something for school when there was a knock at the door. Sean came in. I jumped up immediately.
“Sean, there you are. I missed you so much.”
“Yeah, I know, me too. Come here.”
He pulled me close and kissed me. I was so happy. Actually, I had intended to confront him immediately about how this chick came to claim that he was taken. But I preferred to enjoy what was happening. I was more relaxed than I had been during any relaxation therapy. We became more and more passionate. Sean pushed me around the corner and against the closet. I pulled off his lab coat and pulled his shirt out of his pants. He unfastened the zipper of my jacket and took it off me. When I unbuttoned his pants and stuck my hand into his underpants, he pulled the emergency brake. Someone had to do it. He held me at a distance with his hand, but continued to kiss me tenderly. He caressed my cheek and kissed my neck. The door closed around the corner. Sean quickly zipped up his pants and hurriedly tucked his shirt back in. I went around the corner where Vince had just come in.
“Hey, I'm back. What happened to you?”
My jacket was lying on the floor behind me, my hair was standing on end in all directions and my lips could probably also be seen doing what they had been doing until just now.
“Oh, Jordan, do you have a visitor? I only had half a one-on-one conversation today, so you probably didn't expect me yet. Well then, introduce me to your friend!”
“Vince... actually... listen, I'm sorry...”.
We entered the room where Sean was just picking up his coat. He put on his professional smile.
“Mr. Yadis, hello.”
Vince's mouth fell open.
“Jordan, are you serious? I mean, it's really none of my business, and I know I've been talking about it all the time and everything, but there's a difference between talking about it and actually doing it... I mean, I know that your friend means a lot to you. What will he say?”
Sean grinned broadly.
“Mr. Yadis, I'm impressed by how you're standing up for someone you haven't even met yet, but I think I can say with absolute certainty that Jordan's boyfriend won't mind.”
“Oh, you think so? You know, there are also monogamous gay relationships! So I don't think you know anything about what bothers Jordan's boyfriend or not.”
That was typical of Vince. Always on the offensive. Sean took it with humor.
“At least I know the name of Jordan's friend. Do you know him?”
Vince became rather meek. Sean put his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him.
“Jordan, maybe you could tell us the name of your mysterious friend.”
He grinned at me.
“That would be Sean Wittmore. I'm sorry, Vince, I should have told you earlier, but I didn't really know how.”
“What? Both of you? You hooked up with him? He's actually gay?”
“I'm definitely here, hello?”
“Sean and I have been together for a few months, yes. We went to school together.”
“And what about the girl who is posing as his girlfriend?”
“What? As my girlfriend?!”
I should have guessed that Vince would bring up this topic...
“Yeah, sure, during the ward round last week. I asked her if you were taken and she replied, 'Sorry, no can do'.”
“Please?! I only kissed her once!”
“Interesting...”
Sean looked at me guiltily.
“Yes, I know. After swimming, just on impulse. I didn't have a chance to tell you about it yet. But nothing happened since. I didn't promise her anything or anything like that. And we had talked about it... When I realized that it was bothering you, I stopped right away. But if that's what she thinks, it explains why she was so weird to me yesterday and today.”
“I think I'll leave you to it... One more thing: I assume that you have agreed to be open about your relationship. And I can tell you from my own experience that this only leads to heartache. If you do decide to do it, honesty is the top priority, and by that I don't mean telling each other who you're doing what with, but also telling each other immediately if it gets too much for one of you. So, I'll see you.”
Vince disappeared. Before Sean could say anything, I shot out:
“I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle it. I'm sorry.”
“I know. I'm sorry. I got cold feet. And I didn't pay enough attention to you and now you're back here. But I'll take care of her, I promise.”
“It's not your fault. I should have known better. In therapy, we keep hearing the same thing over and over again. You're supposed to recognize the warning signs. And I just ignored them. Sean, I smoked pot and slept with Nikki in that state. I'm sorry.”
“What? When? What are you talking about?”
“That weekend before I came here.”
“But Nikki's in L.A.”
“She was in town for a few days.”
Sean was quite upset, of course. The door opened and the psychotic was brought in. In the hallway, we saw the cart with the food.
“I have to go too.”
Sean was gone. I hoped he would understand. After all, he had suggested this open relationship.
Sean
As soon as the visit was over, I cut my losses and went back to his room. Of course, I had found out beforehand that none of his roommates would be there. We were very happy to see each other, until Mr. Yadis came back from his one-on-one meeting early. The conversation with him turned out to be very... interesting. He was very concerned about Jordan, but I couldn't quite figure out why. And he brought up the subject of Emily. She had apparently claimed to be my girlfriend during a visit. I was amazed at how quickly I came up with the right lie. I had to make a partial confession to avoid being completely exposed. So I said I kissed her once. I promised to take care of it. Then Jordan told me about Nikki. I know I had no right to be upset about it, but that's the way it was. Before we could talk about it, I had to leave.
Jordan
I went out, got my food and sat down with Vince.
“Well, did you manage to sort it out?”
“I don't know. We'll see. I don't know.”
“I see... So, you and the intern, huh? I guess I don't have to tell you what a good catch you've made in my opinion.”
“Yes, but listen, don't broadcast this, okay?”
“I see. Whatever you say...”
“You know how it is, you've had enough bad experiences. And Sean's parents don't know, so...”
“Seriously? Your own family should know who you are...”
“I agree with you, but I have to respect Sean's wishes.”
I went to the addiction group again a quarter of an hour early. She was there again, but this time Sean was with her. I just saw their hands separate. I was about to go back the other way, but they both looked in my direction. I decided to just walk past as inconspicuously as possible. As I walked past them, I heard her voice.
Sean
I tried to talk to Emily that afternoon. I actually wanted to tell her that it was over, but I couldn't. She was just too perfect. If only we had met earlier. We were standing in the hallway, she was waiting for some group. At some point she took my hand. I liked her, but Jordan... But how should I tell her that? As we were standing there, someone turned the corner, whereupon we reflexively let go. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Jordan. He must have seen it. He just walked past us. I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Emily spoke to him.
Jordan
“Mr. Bonanno, the addiction group is here in therapy room 2.”
“Oh, yes, of course. I almost walked right past it.”
“Aren't you feeling so well today?”
God, she had that psychologist patter down pat.
“No, I was just lost in thought.”
“Do you know Mr. Wittmore?”
“Yes, of course. From the visit today. Did you have a nice vacation?”
“Yes, thank you, very relaxing.”
“Good. Well then, I won't disturb the young couple any longer. I'll just go to the bathroom and cut my wrists.”
At first no one said anything. Then I heard them whispering behind me.
Sean
He said it in a tone as if he had just told us that he was taking out the trash and just went on. Emily was totally shocked and looked at me for help. I gestured for her to wait here and went after him. She didn't think about waiting and went to get someone. I didn't take what Jordan had said seriously for a moment. I was really mad at him.
Jordan
I went into the bathroom. Sean followed me, but of course not the girl. He spoke softly but urgently.
“Jordan, what are you doing? She's probably getting a doctor now, and how do you want to explain that?”
“Dr. Berg's office is right over there, so she's probably getting him.”
“And what do you want that for?”
“Well, this. You and me, alone.”
I took his hand. He pulled it away.
“This is really not funny. Do you know what a fright you gave her?”
“Do you know how little that bothers me right now? You said you'd sort it out with her!”
“I haven't had a chance yet!”
“Oh, please! I have eyes in my head!”
Dr. Berg entered.
“Jordan, you're not going to hurt yourself, are you?”
“Not me, but maybe him.”
“Dr. Berg, I'm sorry. He only said that because...”
“...you're having an affair with the intern out there?”
Sean looked pretty shocked.
“How did you...”
“She's pretty open about it. Maybe she should have kept it a secret when you told her you were with someone else. I think you should come with me to my office.”
The intern was nervously pacing the hallway.
“Everyone in my office. You too.”
We all three waddled after him. Sean looked at me reproachfully. Everyone was given a chair.
“Now, everyone tell me what they expect from this conversation.”
“I have no idea what this is about. A patient has announced that he will take his own life. I got them and now I'm sitting here as if I had done something wrong. I expect to be told what is actually going on.”
“Okay, thank you. Mr. Bonanno?”
“I expect honesty, nothing more.”
“Good. And Mr. Wittmore?”
“I expect this conversation to end in a fiasco and I hope the ground opens up and swallows me.”
“Quite understandable. Well, I think the first thing we should do is clarify your relationship to each other. Mrs...?”
“Collins.”
“Mrs. Collins, would you like to start?”
“Okay, so Mr. Bonanno is a patient I see on rounds and in the addiction group. Last week he asked me for the time. That's all. And Sean... Mr. Wittmore... is my boyfriend, I guess, but fairly new.”
“Okay, I'd like to go into that in more detail. What makes you think he's your boyfriend?”
“Isn't that very personal?”
“I don't want any details, just in general, how do you determine that?”
“Well, we go out, kiss and so on... .”
I couldn't take it anymore... I had to say something!
“And have sex?”
“Um, yes, all that kind of stuff.”
“All right, I think I'll actually go cut my wrists now....
“Mr. Bonanno, we're not done here yet. Before we clarify how the others would define their relationships, I would like to offer you, Mr. Wittmore, the opportunity to perhaps salvage something after all. If I continue this conversation, the question of your relationship with the other two will be very easy to answer with 'none'. So, do you have something to say?”
“I would like to clarify at least one relationship, I think.”
He turned to her, not to me.
“Emily, it's true, we went out together, we kissed, we slept together. I'm sorry, I should have told you this earlier. I'm still in a committed relationship. I wish I had met you a year ago. That's all I'm going to say in this context and now excuse me.”
With a wave of his hand, he made it clear that he wanted to be left alone. I stayed seated, Emily did not.
Sean
It was just too much, I just wanted to get away. And I left, after I had told Emily that I was still with someone else. I actually said “still”, which I realized later when I had gone over this conversation a thousand times in my head. She ran after me when I left the room and said the following:
“Sean, wait. You can't just spring this on me after everything. You should have told me a month ago when we were sleeping together. I love you, after all. And you said you felt the same way.”
Jordan must have heard all of this. But I really had no idea what would happen, that he would go that far. Otherwise I would never have left. That was the last time I saw him for a very long time.
Jordan
They were in the hallway, their voices growing ever quieter.
“Jordan, don't you want to come?”
“I can't. I just don't have any strength left, no feelings left. A month. That's how long. And he's in love with her. I feel like I just can't get any sadder, no matter what happens. Please just let me go.”
“What will you do then?”
I knew exactly what I would do then. But I didn't say anything.
“Jordan, come on, I'll take you to the ward.”
“I know which ward you mean and I'm not going there.”
I slowly but clearly took my pocket knife out of my pocket.
He stood up and went to the emergency button on the wall.
“Please, just let me go.”
“I can't do that. Someone will be here soon.”
I stood up.
“Jordan, don't do this. Don't push it.”
“I just want to get out of here. It smells like him here.”
I turned the knife around so that I held the blade firmly in my fist.
“We can go out into the hallway together, yes? But you have to stay with me.”
“If someone comes to take me to the locked ward, I'll press it.”
We went out into the hallway. Vince was just turning the corner.
“Hey Jordan, are you running late for addiction support group too?”
“I don't think I'm going today.”
Vince looked at the knife in my hand.
“What's going on?”
He wasn't asking me, but the doctor.
“Go, someone will be right with you.”
“No, I'm not going. I want to know what's going on!”
I heard the concern in his voice.
“Mr. Bonanno is acutely suicidal. Go. There's nothing you can do right now.”
“Jordan? Please, you can't leave me alone with the psychotic.”
He came up to me and took my free hand. I felt something again. Sadness. Unbelievable hopelessness. Despair. I couldn't stop this avalanche anymore, everything collapsed on me. My legs gave way. After that, I only remember the pain in my hand.
Sean
Emily followed me outside. Of course, she demanded an explanation. We sat down on a bench and I began to tell her. I was so angry at Jordan for putting me in this situation and I knew it would never be the same between us again. Emily listened to me. She asked questions, but without judgment. It felt good to be honest. She seemed to understand me. We didn't go back inside until almost five. One of the doctors came up to me immediately and told me that Dr. Bishop urgently wanted to see me. I thought he wanted to give me a dressing-down.
He greeted me briefly and asked me to sit down. Then he started to tell me what had happened. Stunned, I listened. At the end, he asked me what I wanted. Did I want to go upstairs to be with him, or did I no longer want to be with him and stay away from him? He made it clear to me that there were no gray areas. He was very upset himself by the whole thing, after all, Dr. Berg was affected. When I told him that I couldn't be with Jordan anymore, he told me that he also planned to refer Jordan to another therapist. That day, I didn't go home, but stayed with Emily. I realized that I couldn't go back to that clinic. I wasn't angry at Jordan anymore; I knew it was my fault. I hadn't been a good friend to him. I was too weak. Never in my life had I failed anywhere, and now I'm completely messing up the most important relationship in my life.
Jordan
When I came to, my head hurt indescribably. I felt as if I hadn't slept for days. Every single muscle in my body ached. Someone was holding my hand. I couldn't lift my head to see who it was. Then I fell asleep again.
It was light out, I opened my eyes. A figure was standing by the window. I recognized Summer. When she saw that my eyes were open, she came over, lay down beside me and buried her face in my neck. She was crying. I couldn't keep awake.
The next time I woke up, there was a doctor in the room.
“Mr. Bonanno, we lowered the dose of sedatives. So you should be able to stay awake now.”
I didn't feel like I could sleep anymore either.
“Where is Dr. Berg?”
“He's not on duty today. Do you remember what happened?”
I nodded.
“Do you know where you are?”
“In the locked ward, probably.”
“Yes. Well, I'll leave you alone now. If you need anything, just ring. And try not to get up just yet. Take it easy.”
“How long have I been out?”
“Today is Friday. Nine o'clock in the morning.”
“That long? Okay, thanks.”
I stretched first. I felt completely limp, like I did when I had the flu. I sat up slowly. Everything started spinning. After about half an hour, I felt ready to get up. A nurse came into the room. Of course, everything here was monitored by cameras.
“Can I help you?”
“I'd like to take a shower.”
“You should first regain your balance. Take another turn in the hallway. I'll find protection for your bandage.”
I looked at my hand, probably quite astonished.
“Do you still remember what happened?”
“Yes, I just didn't know it was that bad.”
“Most of the cuts needed to be stitched up. But it didn't hit any tendons, so it will heal well.”
I did a round and the nurse seemed satisfied with what she saw.
“Good, then you can go shower. Your clothes are in your locker. Of course, we went through your things.”
“I understand.”
After that, I felt a little better and I started to think about what had happened. I had to find out if he had visited me, so I went back to the nurse.
“Do you feel better now?”
“Yes, I do. Listen, I wanted to ask who visited me.”
“Well, there was Mr. Yadis and a girl with purple highlights.”
“No one else? An intern from another ward, maybe?”
“Interns aren't allowed here. No one else was there.”
“And what about my mother?”
“She was notified, of course.”
“She wasn't here?”
“I'm sorry...”
I didn't know what hit me more.
“Can I use the phone?”
“Of course. Here you go.”
I called home. Klaus answered.
“Hey, it's me. I just wanted to say that I'm awake.”
“Yes, the clinic called us when your dosage was reduced.”
“Oh. And when are you coming to visit me?”
“Jordan, look, I'm sorry, but your mother doesn't feel ready to see you right now. The whole thing must have brought up too many old memories.”
“Yes, but don't you think so with me? Sean hasn't been there either.”
“I'm sorry to hear that. But I don't know anything about that. Look, I have to go...”.
“Dad, wait... I mean Klaus. Please. Does she want to do it like last time and only visit me after eight months? I need you now.”
“Jordan, I don't know what to tell you. I'm hanging up now.”
“Wait! Hello? Hello?!”
I couldn't believe it. The nurse looked at me with concern.
“You just have to give it some time.”
“I don't think so. I have the feeling that I blew my last chance. How long do I have to stay here?”
“That's up to the doctors. But it's the weekend now anyway.”
I had completely forgotten about school. It would start again on Monday. Definitely without me. I would be lucky if I wasn't in the psychiatric ward by then. The bell on the station door rang. I saw Vince through the window. I let the nurse in.
“Jordan, you're awake! Man, you scared me!”
He pulled me into his arms and just held me for a while. All I could think about was how glad I was to have showered. The nurse agreed that we could go to my room.
“Jordan, man, my new roommate is a total jerk. You better get back on the open one soon.”
“I don't know if I want to. The idea of running into Sean...”
“Hasn't anyone told you yet? He quit. After he heard what happened, he quit.”
“Oh...”
“I also heard what happened. Dr. Berg told me. I hope that's okay.”
“Yes, sure. And you were there too, I remember that.”
“Yes...
“And you visited me here, right? You held my hand...”
“Yes, that's right.”
“Thank you. I've only known you for a couple of weeks and yet you're there. My own mother hasn't visited me yet.”
“I'm sorry to hear that.”
The nurse came with food.
“I don't think I can eat this.”
“Try to eat as much as you can. You can share the rest with Mr. Yadis. I'm afraid he's missing lunch on his own ward.”
Vince stayed forever. At some point, the topic came up again about Sean.
“I've lost him, I know that.”
“Maybe for now, but definitely not forever. You will find each other again, I am convinced of that. You have hope. Many would envy you for that.”
He looked overly affected.
“Are you okay?”
“No, I have to tell you something.”
I put my hand on his.
“What is it?”
“David is sick. We've known about it for years. But now his T-cell count has skyrocketed and he has an infection. He's been in the hospital since yesterday. It all seems to indicate that it's broken out.”
“AIDS?”
He nodded.
“And you?”
“I'm negative. We're being very careful.”
“Vince, I'm so sorry.”
“I'm losing him, Jordan. And then there's no hope left. He'll be buried somewhere to rot. And then I'll be all alone. I'm so afraid of that.”
“Can't you go to him now?”
“We talked about it. If I go out in this situation, I'll definitely relapse. No, I have to stay here.”
“I don't know what to say. I'm here for you.”
I gave him a handkerchief and put my hand on his shoulder. I had to say something.
“How did you guys meet?”
“Oh, that was a long time ago. I had just graduated from high school. He was already in his late twenties and an aspiring gallerist. By chance, he came across some of my pictures. At that time, my pictures were still quite immature. But he saw the potential and wanted to meet me. One thing led to another. And after two years, we wanted to conquer L.A. together. Then he got the diagnosis. This is one of the leading clinics in the field, so we decided to stay here and be monogamous from now on. It wasn't always easy for me to live with the fear that it could break out at any time. I took refuge in alcohol. That's why I'm here.”
“Do I actually know anything about you?”
“Well, I think you know the mural in the shopping center...”.
“The huge one above the fountain? With the mermaids? That's yours?”
“Yeah, I worked on that for four weeks.”
“I love that picture! I always sat down to eat in view of it.”
I told him what came to my mind when I looked at the picture, and he told me how it was created.
“We want to go to L.A. too, Sean and I....
“All of a sudden it came back to me.
“Jordan, are you okay? I know it's hard.”
“What am I going to do now? Go to L.A. by myself? After graduating from school? Or can I not do that at all? I'm locked up in here. And I can't go home either. I really don't know what to do...”
There was a knock at the door.
“Summer!”
“Hey, Vince!”
“Do you know each other?”
“We've only met in the last few days.”
“Your shopping mall picture is from him.”
“I just found that out too.”
The two of them came every day. Summer hadn't heard from Sean either. I guess I'd have to wait until I was transferred. Summer, Vince and I talked a lot about our future plans. If necessary, I wanted to go to L.A. alone to make music. Summer wanted to try her luck as an actress. She definitely had the necessary penchant for self-promotion. Vince also saw his future in L.A. We logically decided to go there together as soon as nothing kept us here.
Two weeks went by. Hannah gave Summer my homework and I didn't really have anything else to do here between the individual therapies anyway.
I was finally transferred back to Vince in the open ward. I just didn't think about Sean and Mum, then I didn't feel too bad. Hannah came to visit me once, but left after half an hour. We just didn't have anything to say to each other. Every now and then I called home, but only ever got Klaus on the phone. The conversations always went the same way.
“We're glad you're feeling better, but we still don't want to visit you.”
Finally, Vince felt strong enough to take a cab to David's clinic. When he came back, he felt miserable. He didn't want to talk about it, he just wanted to be alone, so I walked around the corridors a bit.
I also met Dr. Berg.
“Dr. Berg.”
“Jordan, I have to keep going...”
I could see that he just wanted to get out of my way.
“Wait. I wanted to apologize. I must have really frightened you.”
“Yes, you did. You pulled a knife. I didn't know who you would have pointed it at. That was the worst day of my life, professionally speaking, so please understand if I just keep walking now.”
I didn't get a chance to say anything at all. Dr. Bishop had referred me to another therapist, so I didn't see him either. I had pretty much driven away all the people who had even remotely meant something to me.
Sean
The next two weeks were hell for me. I had no idea how he was doing. The staff wasn't allowed to tell me anything. His mother wasn't visiting. Most of the others in the gang didn't even know about it. Summer wasn't talking to me. There was no one I could ask. After two weeks, I at least found out that he had been transferred back to an open ward. I tried very gently to ask Emily what she knew about it, but she immediately blocked.
Jordan
As I was lost in my dark thoughts, a white coat came around the corner. Emily stopped immediately, about three meters in front of me. She turned around.
“Wait!”
“Just leave me alone!”
“Please! Do you still see Sean? Of course you do. Please, tell him to at least call me. Tell him he promised me that he would be there for me, even if only as a good friend. No matter what happens. He said that. Please! Tell him to call me!”
“Like hell I will. He's much better off without you. Stay away from him.”
She was gone. So she definitely knew. And she was in contact with him. He had probably already introduced her to his parents. I needed to blow off some steam. I remembered the punching bag that was hanging in a recreation room. I beat on it for half an hour until my knuckles were bleeding. From then on, I did that every day and I also tried to do a lot of other sports. It did me good. I gained weight and my whole body changed. Vince thought it was pretty silly; he himself was rather lanky. But Summer thought it was great. I had arranged with the school that I could take the missed tests in the clinic. It worked surprisingly well. A teacher supervised me and corrected my test afterwards. I only got A's and B's.
Sean
After four weeks, I just had to know how he was doing. I decided to go to the clinic and wait for Mr. Yadis for a one-on-one conversation. It worked surprisingly well. He didn't seem surprised to see me.
“I was wondering when you would show up.”
“I just want to know how he is doing.”
“What do you think? He's miserable. You broke his heart. I know guys like you. It never ends well. You're so full of self-loathing and you're so intent on pleasing everyone at the expense of those who love you. The old song. Please stay away from him. He's just getting back on his feet. Please just stay away, okay?”
I thought I saw something in his eyes. He turned to leave.
“Mr. Yadis... Vincent, please, wait. His mother, has she visited him yet?”
“No, nobody's shown up yet. Just Summer and me. Please go now.”
There was something strange about it.
“Vince? You like him, don't you?”
“Of course...
“No, I mean, you like him the way I like him.”
“Bullshit. I love David, now go. Leave me alone.”
“Take care of him, okay? Take care.”
I was sure I was right. And for some reason, the thought reassured me.
I spent the evenings with Emily, and my parents had even invited her to dinner. Klaus and Carol were there too, my mother wanted to break the ice at the meeting. Of course, it had the opposite effect. During the day, I worked as the son of the boss again. Time passed, but not a day went by when I didn't think about how it could have gone better for Jordan, what I should have done differently. I was the bad guy in this story and there was nothing I could do about it.
Jordan
At the beginning of May, I received a call from the hospital where David was. He had come down with pneumonia. It didn't look good. Vince went to say goodbye. He didn't come back overnight. David died in the morning. Everything happened very quickly. Vince came back late that evening. I was already in bed. He didn't turn on the light but just crawled under my blanket. He cried half the night, then slept for a few hours and then cried some more. He couldn't be consoled. In the morning, the nurse came in and gave him pills. Half an hour later, he was finally able to stop crying. We stayed in bed until noon. Then came the meal. Of course, he didn't want any. He took a shower. That evening, he was given pills again, this time to help him sleep. I went back to my therapies the next day. Vince slept a lot. David's funeral was on the fourth day. Vince and I went, accompanied by a nurse. A lot of people came. I briefly met David's and Vince's families. Everything was very tasteful. We didn't stay long at the subsequent funeral service. It soon became too much for Vince. There were photos of David everywhere and someone was constantly expressing their condolences. Back at the clinic, we played cards and talked about the weather and other trivial things.
May passed without anyone other than Summer visiting me. I studied for the last exam in biology and the final exams, and for the first time, Vince managed not to cry himself to sleep. Meanwhile, I was allowed to leave the house with a fellow patient or relative. So I was able to take the last biology exam at school again, I just took Vince with me, I spent every free minute with him anyway. It was strange to be back. Not even three months had passed, but it felt like years. I ran into so many people. Hannah, Alex, Susi. I was no longer the same on the outside as I was on the inside. I already thought I wouldn't make it. I just wanted to leave again.
“Once you're in the exam room, you no longer notice the others. And afterwards, we can just go to the nearest exit and be gone.”
“Thanks, Vince, I couldn't do this without you.”
I walked as close to him as possible. I would have liked to hide behind him. He attracted attention. In the clinic, I had never noticed how he looked. He looked like an artist, but I couldn't say exactly why. It wasn't just his slightly eccentric clothing, it was his whole appearance. Of course, there was also whispering about me. I'm sure there were many rumors about where I had been. We couldn't have been more conspicuous. Unconsciously, I walked closer to Vince. Our hands touched by accident. I apologized. Sean would have kept his distance with all the eyes on us.
“You don't have to apologize. I'd like to hold your hand.”
I looked at him in amazement as he reached for my hand. It felt good. I had never done that before, in front of so many people. I felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
We ran into Summer.
“Hey, there you are. So, Vince, I'm ditching art and going to be all yours.”
“Skip art? I can't be responsible for that. Maybe I can just sit in on it.”
“Here I write... .”
“Okay, then I wish you good luck. You'll do fine. I've been through the exam with you, I know what I'm talking about.”
“Well, let's see...”
“So I'll be back here in an hour and a half. Don't look so serious, it's just an exam.”
He kissed me on the cheek. In front of my fellow examinees and the teacher. I thought he was great and couldn't stop smiling.
The exam went quite well. After I had gone over everything again, the time was already up and I handed it in. I went outside, where a crowd had formed. Next to me, someone stood on tiptoe to see what was going on.
“The art teacher, Mr. Owens, he seems to be discussing something with someone... I don't know the guy.”
The crowd dispersed and I saw Vince. I might have known. He and Mr. Owens shook hands in conciliation.
“That, dear students, was a prime example of a fruitful conflict.”
Summer spotted me.
“Jordan, you missed the best art class ever! You should have seen Vince! Owens gave us a dry lecture on expressionism and came to talk about the bridge and at some point he couldn't find his slides, but still wanted to show us this one picture. Vince got up and sketched it on the board with chalk. It took him less than five minutes and after that the two had different opinions about the attribution to Munch, I learned so much!”
Vince came over.
“Jordan, how was your exam?”
“Definitely not nearly as exciting as this.”
Mr. Owens came too.
“Mr. Bonanno, thank you for bringing this young man with you. He was a great addition, I've heard a lot about him. He's going to make big waves with his work.”
I just looked at Vince, stunned.
“You're the next Picasso and I had no idea about it. You could have at least warned me.”
“I just wanted you to fall in love with me, not with my reputation.”
I was stunned by this directness for a moment, but I knew that's exactly what had happened.
“You've succeeded. But all this doesn't hurt either.”
“Wait, did you just say that you've fallen in love with me?”
“Yes, that's what I said.”
He didn't hesitate for a second but just kissed me. When I opened my eyes again, I only saw his face. I didn't care about all the others. This was what I always wanted. Someone who isn't ashamed, someone who doesn't think about it first.
Fifteen minutes later, we were necking on the bus.
“Wait a minute, Jordan. Where does this bus go?”
“Well, back to the clinic.”
“But you wanted to go to your mom and Sean.”
“I don't think I want that now.”
“Jordan, I appreciate it, but you should do that. You and Sean are meant for each other.”
“How can you say something like that right now?”
“I'm not saying I like it, but that's the way it is. I've been with you the last few months and I've seen how much you've suffered. You have to find out if you still have a chance. Otherwise you'll wonder forever.”
I knew he was right. We changed and soon we were standing in front of Klaus' house.
“Not bad. Really not bad. Now ring the bell.”
“I should have called first....
“It's too late now, we're already at the door. Come on!”
Soon after I pressed the bell, we heard footsteps. Klaus opened the door.
“Hello. I know I should have called....
“Yes, you should have. Your mom's not here.”
“And Laura?”
She was clearly crying, so he couldn't very well lie.
“Jordan, it's best if you just go,”
“But I'm getting better. If I get discharged in a month or so, where am I supposed to go?”
“You'll get the money you're owed, of course. I can't offer you anything more.”
“Can you at least call Sean for me? I don't want to have to ring the bell over there.”
“I don't think that's a good idea.”
“Have you spoken to him?”
“I really don't want to get involved.”
“I'll definitely talk to Sean. If necessary, I'll just have to ring the bell. So please call him. We'll wait here.”
He nodded and closed the door. He came back shortly afterwards.
“He's coming. I don't think he wants to sort this out out there. So come in.”
Mum was sitting in the kitchen.
“Jordan, I just can't.”
“I know. It's all right.”
She went upstairs. Laura was lying on the sofa. I asked Klaus if I could take her up. He nodded, but stood next to me as if to make sure he could catch her in an emergency, so I put her down again straight away. One of those awkward silent moments began until the doorbell finally rang. Klaus opened it. It was Sean. He had changed. His hair was darker and his clothes looked more grown-up.
“You can go up to your room.”
I glanced at Vince, who indicated that he was fine.
My room was unchanged. Sean sat down on the desk chair, I sat on the bed. I didn't really know how to start the conversation. I felt very clearly that it wasn't my Sean sitting there anymore, and that made me very sad.
Sean
He looked so different, in just under three months that I hadn't seen him, he had changed so much. And the closeness we used to have was just gone. Two strangers were sitting opposite each other. I almost started to cry. I said something.
“You look different.”
“Yes, you too.”
“I just felt it was time for a change.”
“Yeah, I know that feeling. And the sport is good for me...
“That's good.”
Jordan was very direct:
“Look, I don't want to beat around the bush. I know I've made a lot of mistakes and I now also know that the drugs were only part of the problem. I'm also taking medication and I'm really feeling better. That's why I'm here. A lot of time has passed. I need to know if we still have a chance.”
He seemed very self-confident, but I had the feeling that he wasn't really interested in a chance, but in closure.
“Jordan, I know what I promised you. I promised you that I would always be there for you, and I haven't been in the last two months, and I'm sorry about that. I want to be there for you. But I can't be with you. It's just not possible. For so many reasons.”
He didn't seem surprised. He reacted very calmly, not as impulsively as I was used to.
“Yes, and I know them all. I understand.”
“But I will tell you one thing. I'm not good for you. I can't help it, I can't be open with you and that will always hurt you. And that's what caused the whole thing in the first place. I can't make you happy, I can't give you what you need. I have to make this decision for the good of both of us. I'm sorry.”
I sat down next to him and kept talking, telling him the truth.
“Please understand. I have to move on, even if it breaks my heart. I love you way too much to continue being with you because I know it would destroy you.”
“So that's it? It's over?”
“I still want to be there for you...”
“You're with her now, aren't you?”
“Yes. I'm sorry.”
“Don't be. I just want you to be happy. But under these circumstances, I don't want us to have contact. For now. Right now, I have to look out for myself. And I couldn't keep picturing the two of you. I'm leaving now. Maybe our paths will cross again someday. I hope so. But right now, I want you all to myself.”
I understood him, but I didn't want to lose him. I wanted to beg him to take me back, but my head told me that it wouldn't be right. He got up and went downstairs without looking back. I lay down on the bed and cried into the pillow, which smelled so much like him. All this time, I had fooled myself into thinking that it was my decision and that I could have him back any time I really wanted him. It was only now that I had lost that possibility that I realized that I had lost him for good. I knew that he was the one for me and that I would never be able to love anyone as much again. But we couldn't be together. I just couldn't believe it.
Jordan
My eyes were dry, I was surprisingly composed when I left the room. I went downstairs to Klaus and Vince. He just looked at me once and apparently knew what was going on. He reacted perfectly, got up, said goodbye and walked with me to the door. We walked to the bus stop without talking. It was only then that I reached for his hand.
“It's over. I don't want to look back anymore. I just want to hold your hand from now on and see what the future brings. Is that okay with you?”
“That's more than okay.”
Sean
After a while, Carol came to me in her son's room. She motherly stroked my back. She had been crying too, I could see that. She gave me tissues and took me in her arms.
“I'm sorry, Sean. I should have known it would end like this. I shouldn't have let you get so attached to him. I knew he'd revert to his old self sooner or later.”
“But it wasn't his fault. I was just a coward.”
“No, believe me, to be with someone like Jordan, who gives so little to being accepted and who just always follows his feelings, whether they tell him to stand by his friend or to take a knife and cut his hand...”
She broke off and started sobbing again.
I talked a lot about it with Emily. She liked to listen to me and apparently didn't feel threatened by it. It seemed clear to her that I would never get back together with Jordan. In my head, however, I imagined how he would change over time and that eventually, when I was on my own and no longer dependent on my parents, we would meet again by chance. This idea gave me the hope I needed to just keep going. I worked, I met Emily and I prepared for the chemistry final exam in July to improve my A-minus. And also because I hoped to see Jordan there.
Jordan
It wasn't easy in the clinic; we had far too little privacy, but we made no secret of the fact that we were now together, even though our therapists advised us against it. But of course all physical advances were very limited. I tried to distract myself with studying and sports; Vince gave a painting class for patients.
Then in July came the final exams. Four of them, spread over two weeks. Vince came with me again. The first two went without incident. The third was chemistry. Vince and I were standing in a quiet corner waiting for the room to be unlocked. Vince just told me that he would go to Owens again afterwards and tell the dear students something about the art of the Stone Age people. I looked over his shoulder and there was Sean. I reflexively let go of Vince's hand.
“What's he doing here?”
“Why did you let go of my hand?”
“It's Sean!”
“And?”
“I'm sorry, he doesn't know about us yet.”
“Do you want to go over and tell him?”
“What? No! Of course not!”
“Then take my hand, it's the easiest way to let him know.”
“You're right. I'm sorry. It's not that I wanted to hide it from him...”
“Jordan, I understand that. I didn't take it that way either. Do you want to talk to him or something?”
“No, maybe after the exam, but not now.”
Soon the teacher arrived, I got another lucky kiss and went in as one of the last.
During the exam, I was lucky enough to suppress the fact that Sean was in the room.
Sean
The chemistry final exam and of course he was there. I saw him standing in an alcove. With Vince. They held hands and whispered to each other. I was totally shocked. I really hadn't expected that. I quickly looked in a different direction. Around me, people were talking quietly about them.
After the exam, I walked out next to Jordan. Of course it was weird. But I had to say something.
“I thought I should at least say hello. So: Hello.”
“Hey, I didn't know you were taking the exam.”
He was so calm and collected.
“I had a chance to improve my grade, that's why.”
“Yeah, that's just like you. Anyone else would be happy to have it behind them.”
He seemed totally... healthy. Happy and confident, at peace with everything. He also seemed comfortable talking to me. It had been a month since we had last seen each other.
“Yes, I know. Anyway, ... I'm going to the cafeteria in a minute to meet the gang. Are you coming?”
“Oh, I don't know ... I'd like to meet everyone again, but Vince is picking me up ... .”
Yes, I had already noticed THAT too.
“Oh, well, think about it. By the way, I saw before, you two ... .”
“Yes, the two of us. It was quite a surprise. But I feel really good about it.”
Yes, I could see that. I was jealous.
“I'm really glad. And what about that older friend he had?”
“You didn't hear about that? He died. Three months ago.”
“What?! Why?”
“AIDS. They knew for quite a while. Vince was pretty devastated.”
I realized I was getting scared for Jordan.
“Is he sick too?”
“No. Don't look so worried, I'll take care of myself.”
I had never seen him so sure of himself. I knew he would take care of himself.
Vince arrived with a bunch of students. He kissed Jordan just like that, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, and that made it the most normal thing in the world. The two of them talked briefly about what they were going to do next and Vince and his entourage left. Jordan smiled as he watched him go. On the one hand, that made me happy, but on the other hand, it also made me sad. I had the feeling that we were moving further and further apart.
Jordan
Vince was surrounded by a dozen students. He approached me as a matter of course and kissed me on the cheek.
“Hello Sean. So how were your exams?”
“I think they went quite well.”
“Yeah, me too. So, what do all these people mean?”
“May I introduce you? This is the schoolyard beautification committee. I was asked to beautify a piece of the wall. I think it would take an hour or two. Do you fancy it?”
“I'd meet some old friends first and then come along.”
“Perfect, so where to?”
He was pushed through the crowd towards the schoolyard.
“That Vince. Amazing. I think he's exactly what you need. Really, I'm glad to see you smiling again.”
We went to the cafeteria, where the others were already. A guy from the swim team was sitting next to Hannah with his arm around her. Tanja also had a new boyfriend, whom I recognized. Susi and Alex were there and the other girls too. I didn't say much, but the others talked a lot. Susi put her foot in it at some point and asked about Emily. Apparently they knew each other well by now. Everyone looked at me rather concerned, but I waved it off.
“It's all right, it's okay. I just...”
As if on cue, Vince entered the cafeteria. He had paint splattered all over his clothes, in his hair, on his face...
“That's Yadis! What's he doing here?”
The others looked at Tanja in amazement.
“Who is that?”
“Man, he's always in the culture section of the newspaper. He looks even better in person. For example, he did the mermaid painting in the shopping center.”
The others knew that too.
“And what is he doing here?”
Alex said, slightly annoyed by so much enthusiasm among the women:
“You can see that! He's buying a drink.
Susi, of course, knew more:
“Then he's probably the painter who's painting the wall with the schoolyard beautification work group.”
Tanja was beside herself.
“Really? I have to see that. Wait, is he coming over here?”
Sean grinned.
“Yes, I think he's coming here. Ladies, you're going to be very disappointed.”
I rolled my eyes.
“I was just about to tell you. It's okay if you talk about Emily in front of me, I'm with someone new now too.”
Vince was already standing behind me.
“I came just at the right time. Hello everyone. Vince Yadis.”
Most of them managed a hello.
“Well, I'd better get back to work.”
“Wait, you have blue paint on your eye, I'll get it off.”
I stood up and carefully wiped away the blob.
“With all that paint on you, I wonder if any of it even landed on the wall. Do you mind if I watch you?”
“On the contrary, the more audience, the better I paint.”
Tanja jumped up immediately and Sean joined in too.
Vince had already painted many contours in different colors and the students from the workshop were painting. About eight meters of wall were primed in white. You could see many plants with a wide variety of leaves, flowers and insects. But it wasn't a random mess, I thought everything was somehow in harmony.
Sean was also impressed.
“And you drew all that in half an hour?”
“Oh, just the outlines. It's a matter of practice.”
Tanja was still staring at the picture.
“I hope I'll be as good as that someday...”
“You paint? Well then, get to the brush. Here. I think there should be another tree with a strong brown trunk here at the edge.”
“To get depth, right?”
“Exactly. So, get started!”
“But what if I do something wrong?”
“In art, there is no right and no wrong. Just paint. What about you two? Don't you want to make yourselves useful?”
I didn't need to be asked twice and started coloring in leaves. Sean hesitated, as always. Vince looked at him questioningly.
“I'm not good at creative things...”
“That's because you think too much. You ruin things by thinking about them. What are you afraid of, anyway? What do you think will happen if you make a mistake?”
Vince was talking very loudly, Sean was already starting to feel embarrassed, I could see that.
“I don't know...”
“Do you think the world will end if you paint a sheet purple?”
“No...”
“Do you think the world will end if you kiss a man in public?”
Sean looked around. Most of them had stopped painting and were listening.
“Actually, yes...
“Let's see.”
He held Sean's face and pressed a kiss on his lips. He stayed like that for a few seconds. Then he let him go and looked around in all directions.
“You see? Everything is still there. The world has not ended. Now grab a paintbrush.”
Sean obeyed and, pale as he was, set to work. The others grinned briefly, but there was no other reaction.
Sean
I made my escape and looked inquiringly at the faces of the bystanders. I really couldn't believe that no one reacted. I stubbornly colored in some pages and thought about what it would be like to kiss Jordan in public, in front of a lot of people. I would probably never know, even if I wanted to.
Jordan
Vince came to me.
“Everything okay?”
“Yes, I should have done that already.”
“Maybe. You probably weren't in the right position. But you are in the right position to kiss me whenever and wherever you want.”
“I know. And the same goes for you. I'm tired of hiding and sneaking around.”
“Good.”
After an hour and a half, the painting was actually finished. And it was good. You could see that different people had worked on it, but just like the motif itself, the different styles were in harmony with each other. When I told Vince, he just said I had understood the principle.
My last exam also went quite well. Now I had to wait two weeks for the results. There was talk in the clinic that I might be discharged. The medication was down-dosed and I felt good. I knew that the doctors were also talking to Vince about his discharge. One Monday morning, my therapy plan arrived, but Vince did not get one.
“Jordan, we should talk.”
“Uh oh.”
“I'll be discharged soon. And I still have a lot of things to take care of. David's parents have cleared out my apartment for me. I'm going to look at a few new places today.”
“Oh, okay. It was clear that this day would come. And you don't want to stay in the old apartment?”
“No, I'm not looking for a long-term apartment either. I actually want to go to L.A. as soon as possible.”
“Yes, I know that...
“I want you to come with me.”
“Really? How do you imagine that?” ”I have no money, I have nothing.”
“Money is not a problem. My paintings are now selling well. And of course I also inherited the money from David. And you have nothing keeping you here, do you?”
“No, I want to go to L.A. as soon as I graduate.”
“And that's soon. So you're coming with me?”
“Absolutely.”
So Vince moved into a small apartment near the clinic on a temporary basis. There he lived almost entirely out of a suitcase, because he had radically cleared out his things and packed the rest in boxes.
I was discharged on the day of the graduation ceremony. That morning, Vince and I went to Klaus and Mum's and got my things. I finally had my guitar back with me and the punching bag, which had only served as a coat rack for years, would finally be used again. Mom asked what I was planning to do now.
“We're moving to L.A., the stuff is already packed. I'll start by looking for a band and going to college in the fall.”
They both assured me that they would contribute to my college fees. I said goodbye to Laura and left. It was strange. Everything I had feared had come true. I had ended up back in the psychiatric ward, had lost Sean and disappointed my mom. And yet I felt strangely liberated, almost happy.
Sean
Over the next few weeks, I dreamt of Jordan every night, but I didn't tell Emily. I couldn't wait for the days until the graduation ceremony, because I would definitely see him again. But then what? Vince would definitely be there too. I still had the whole summer ahead of me, after all, we were neighbors. I wanted him back, but I didn't want to ruin things with Vince. Especially not as long as I wasn't sure that I was really ready to be open with him. And I was anything but sure. And then there was Emily. I really liked her, maybe even loved her, but not as much as I loved Jordan. I decided to wait for the prom and find out when Jordan would be released.
Jordan
So the afternoon came and I held my not-so-bad report card in my hands. Mom and Klaus were there. Dad had sent congratulations. The prom took place that evening. The whole gang shared a large round table. All of them were in pairs. Emily was there too, but I didn't mind. Sean laughed with her and danced and was carefree, so I was happy. Nostalgia was in the air, as it should be at a prom. Everyone was sharing stories about their school days. The pain of parting was spreading. The music was getting more and more schmaltzy. Of course I had to dance, no matter how reluctant I was, but Vince threatened to ask Mrs. Mando, our quirky math teacher, instead. In between, everyone gathered at the table again to catch their breath from dancing and drink fruit punch. This punch tasted like the one at Sean's party back then. I also realized how I was hanging on to those old times in my thoughts. Sean seemed to feel the same way, because he often sought my gaze. Everyone was talking about their plans for the summer and where they would study. Someone asked me about my plans. It was the right moment.
“We're moving to L.A. I want to make music there and go to college in the fall.”
“Cool. When are you leaving?”
“Our things are already packed. We're leaving tomorrow.”
I looked at Sean. He was upset that I wouldn't be there anymore, I could see that.
“So you're not going to move in with your mom and Klaus?”
“No, it's better this way. We're leaving first thing in the morning.”
Sean
I picked Emily up at home before the ball. I had been in a nostalgic mood all day, and in the car I talked about all the highs and lows the gang had experienced together. An era was coming to an end. We would have scattered to the four winds by the fall. Jordan and Vince arrived shortly after us. Emily was nervously shifting around on her chair, so I dragged her onto the dance floor. The others followed. To my amazement, Jordan and Vince followed as well. Actually, it shouldn't have surprised me anymore. I watched them over Emily's shoulder and imagined what it would be like to be in Vince's place. People didn't even pay attention to them. Later, we were sitting at the table again and after we had talked about the past for what felt like an eternity, someone asked about our future plans. When Jordan suddenly said that he would be going to L.A. with Vince the very next day, I felt like I had been kicked in the chest. I had thought I would have him with me for the summer; I had assumed that I would have the opportunity to prove myself to him. Instead, he would just disappear from my life like that. I had to do something. Dutifully, I danced with Emily. Of course, she noticed how much this had affected me. I couldn't stop staring at Jordan, as he moved slowly to the music, his arms around Vince. I couldn't just let him go like that. I had to... well, what exactly? I had to tell him how I felt, that I still love him and that I don't want it to be over between us.
Jordan
It was almost twelve. The evening wouldn't last much longer. Vince dragged me back onto the dance floor. Sean, who was dancing with Emily, kept looking for my gaze. During a quiet number, he broke away from Emily and moved in my direction. Vince noticed too.
“I'll wait at the entrance. Say goodbye to him properly.”
He kissed me on the cheek and disappeared. To my surprise, Sean put his arms where Vince's had been and we danced.
“So I guess this is goodbye. I thought you were going to live next to me for the summer. I'm not ready for this.”
“You're coming to L.A. in the fall, too.”
“It won't be the same. The city is so big. We'll lose sight of each other.”
“I don't know what to say to you. It's possible, even likely. We should say goodbye. Whether we see each other in L.A. or not, it'll be different. ... But we had an interesting time, didn't we?”
“You could say that. I'm sorry....
“Don't be. You did everything you could. It just wasn't the right time.”
“Someday, Jordan, someday I might have the guts to be with you.”
“Maybe, but I can't wait for that.”
“I know. But please always remember what you mean to me. I'll never love anyone the way I love you, I know that.”
“Sean, I know. I know that. It just wasn't enough. It's not anyone's fault.”
“I know you're in good hands with Vince. He's great and I admire him. He's so intrepid. I wish I could have been so intrepid for you.”
“It's okay...”
“No, it's not okay. I'm not letting you go without doing this...”
He pulled me close and kissed me. Right on the dance floor, in front of his classmates and teachers. And it wasn't a quick, furtive kiss, but one that could be seen and was seen. I opened my eyes again and backed away a bit. He looked at me sadly.
“Jordan, I don't want it to be over.”
“I'm leaving now. I hope we see each other again. Take care.”
I left him alone on the dance floor and went to the exit, where Vince was waiting. He took my hand and together we went out. What an iconic moment.