07-11-2025, 01:46 PM
Pat 1
“Mr. Beckmann,” Dirk woke up angrily next to me. “Probably taking a nap, eh?” he was surprised by the harsh voice of our physics teacher. In his mighty stature with his big belly, he puffed up in front of Dirk, who looked at him drowsily through narrow eye slits.
The whole class around us was laughing and lying on the benches, because until now it has never happened that someone has fallen asleep out of fear in front of our mighty Manitu Mr. Winkler. Well, there's always a first time.
However, despite his harsh manner, he had nothing to fear from him, because under the teacher's defiant shell was a soft core.
Since we were about to go on vacation anyway, he didn't hold it against him, since we had only watched a video anyway.
In any case, there was something to laugh about and that was probably the most important thing.
As already mentioned, it was shortly before the Christmas vacations, to be exact, two weeks left and we would have completed our quota at school this year.
For this very reason, no one was in the mood to tear down any trees, especially not in these freezing temperatures this winter.
So we got physics over with by watching a “highly interesting” video.
Two hours to go before the end of school. Who could possibly keep this up? No idea where we got the reserves from, but somehow we managed to get through every week, every single day, every single minute in class. For that alone, all the students deserve a medal.
We couldn't change this for the next two years. First of all, we had to get through German and, yawn, music, but so be it. I'll just tell you who is actually speaking here, or rather, who is writing here.
In case you haven't realized it yet, how could you, I'm Stef, to be exact my name is Steffen, but I hate that name like the plague, so it was just right for everyone to start calling me Stef for some reason I can't remember.
So, back to the text. As you may have already gathered, I am a student, in 11th grade to be exact, in some small town in Mecklenburg-Western Pomerania, and I still have to endure another two years here. I'm 17 and at 1.89 meters, I'm not particularly small, as you can imagine, and so I also stand out a bit. But not only because of my size, no, I'm still thin, not too thin, even if my mother keeps saying that, I think I'm just right at the moment. This used to look different, but let's not go into that.
What have I already told you? Oh yes. I am 17; 1.89 m tall and my name is Stef. What else is there to say. If anyone is interested, I have black, short, tousled hair and blue-gray eyes. Well, I'm quite happy with myself. Did I already mention that I'm gay? If not, then let this be said.
But how should it be any different in the countryside, or as I call it “out in the sticks”, unfortunately I'm still single. But I sincerely hope that this fact will soon be remedied. But I don't have much hope.
Especially now that Christmas is fast approaching, I miss the warmth and security of a boyfriend (sorry for the English terms, but as you will quickly notice, I am heavily contaminated with Anglicisms and so it should not surprise you if such words appear more often). Well, enough whining, what the heck, I can't change it.
So on with the text. Now it's time for lunch, a ray of hope. Just an hour to fool around. So we sat down, as already known, Dirk and I and additionally Sven and Andie, at some table in the school building and started playing cards again. And we ate our lunch on the side. What else is there to do? Outside, the miserable, wet November weather is still upon us, with the rain beating against the windows.
In any case, Dirk suddenly says:
“Have you heard? There's a new kid starting school today!”
"Yeah, and who cares? It's probably just a new kid for the little ones, you know, years 5 and 6!”
“Nonsense! He's coming to our level, but I don't know exactly which class. In any case, he's pretty cute. For a boy."
For the sake of understanding. Dirk is not gay. He's totally straight. Well, what his allusion means? He's been trying to get me out of my little depression for quite some time. He's a nice guy.
But it's not as bad as it sounds. I just don't like the combination of winter and being single, and that affects my mood, but not too much.
As you might have already noticed, I'm out. Well, not exactly to everyone. I don't walk around with a sign around my neck that says “I'm gay,” but if someone asks me directly what I am, I naturally tell the truth. So far, only the aforementioned Dirk, Andie and Sven and my parents know, well, that's enough to start with.
“Yeah, yeah, you and your knowledge of boys.“
”No, seriously, Kristin has already tried to throw herself at him and you know what that means."
Kristin is the ‘most beautiful’ (according to the others) girl on the team, and everyone has already had a go at her, and then along comes a new guy and turns her head! Wow, now I'm interested in him after all. But to be realistic, what would be the chances of him being interested in me? Thoughts thrown overboard and back to the card game. To make a long story short, except for a few sounds like 18, 20, 22 or 24, you don't hear anything from us. We are once again in our element.
Suddenly, how could it be otherwise, the bell rings and we have to prepare ourselves for two hours of further agony. First English and then German. Two hours to fall asleep, which is actually also my plan. Otherwise I would probably die of boredom.
And so we squeeze through the narrow door into the room and I plant myself in the back row against the wall so as not to be noticed.
And then our teacher's annoying voice begins.
"Now hurry up with unpacking in 20 seconds the bell will ring for class.”
Blablabla, always in a rush. Brrr. How I dislike this woman.
Nothing against women, but I'll never drink to her health.
That's mainly because of her teaching style, but anyway, in short, I hate the way she speaks English. Not even someone who has English as their mother tongue understands her, and she's supposed to be teaching the language. Grrr.
What's the point, I can't change anything. At most, I can get annoyed about it.
“Good afternoon, open your books please...” Blah, blah, blah, the sobering school day continues and I decide to take my little nap.
But just before my eyes close, there's a sudden knock at the door.
Our deputy head teacher pokes his head in.
“Sorry to interrupt you, but I have someone here who would like to start attending classes today.” Sure, and my name is Helmut Kohl and I'm clean. Typical phrases.
So Dirk was right after all, we're getting a new guy. Mr. Schmidt, our vice principal, steps aside and a dream of a man enters the room.
Black, short-cropped, disheveled hair, slim, well-proportioned figure, steel-blue eyes and a dazzling smile with small white sparkling teeth.
In a word: a DREAM.
“This is Mark Kerr. And I'll leave you alone for now and you'll continue nicely!” Schmidt put on his slimy smile again and closed the door.
And now he is standing there in the middle of the room. He seems a bit intimidated and you can see that he feels a bit uncomfortable.
Fortunately, our teacher intervenes.
“First of all, sit down next to Dirk, back there in the third row.”
What's next to Dirk, so only one seat between me and this dream.
I think at that moment my heart starts beating twice as fast as usual. I think at that moment I was on the verge of losing my senses.
Now Mark, whose name sounds like that of an angel, makes his way over and sits down next to Dirk.
Suddenly I am pushed roughly in the side.
“Stop staring or he'll notice how you're eyeing him up in broad daylight.“ Dirk grins at me and laughs softly.
Only now do I realize that not only I but almost all the other girls are staring at Mark and almost devouring him with their eyes. Even I can't help but smile slightly.
”Could you introduce yourself, please?”
I think our teacher would have refrained from asking this question if she had known what was coming next. He starts to talk in unbelievably perfect English. (I'm not going to give you the original wording)
In any case, Mark says that he is from San Diego in the USA, is 18 years old and will spend the next few years in Germany with his parents.
Well, just a bit of small talk, but our teacher's reaction was intense. The color flees from her face and leaves only a pale white.
So for the first time our teacher gets competition, especially when speaking, and I think she knows that she has a certain shortcoming. Nevertheless, she quickly begins to catch up and quickly switches to a different topic and goes through the material that was actually on the agenda.
But I'm not the only one who has noticed her reaction. The rest of us start to giggle quietly.
My planned nap understandably falls through.
Instead, I steal a few furtive glances at the people next to me. Not at Dirk, but at Mark, who is sitting next to him. He seems even more impressive from up close. His lightly tanned skin is so delicate. When he smiles, you can see little dimples in his cheeks and no visible wart growth. I can see that much, but unfortunately the rest remains hidden by his clothes.
Dirk keeps nudging me, telling me not to stare, but despite all his admonishments, I can't take my eyes off him.
Mark himself seems a bit unsure; I think he's noticed that he's being watched by many people, especially the girls and me. His eyes twitch slightly and he tries to follow the lesson.
A bell rings, ending the lesson and releasing Mark from his situation.
Even if I had wanted to, and I did, I couldn't talk to Mark. Fortunately, Dirk was sitting next to me and, as always, couldn't keep his mouth shut and started chatting away.
"Hi Mark, we already know your name. I'm Dirk and next to me is another idiot. You can call him Stef.”
“Dirk, shut your mouth!” Dork, what nerve. Well, that's how it is between Dirk and me, and yet we love each other.
“And have you settled in well in good old Germany yet?“
”Well, the weather takes some getting used to. But otherwise quite nice. I'll survive it."
What a beautiful voice. Sigh. How? How can a US American speak such good German? Well, me and Dirk are thinking along the same lines again and he asked the same question that was going through my mind.
“Oh, it's quite simple. My parents emigrated to the US in the 50s and now we're just back. And a lot of German was spoken at home, so you learn it quickly. You're even forced to in order to understand everything.”
“Speaking of 'we', who are you talking about? Surely your parents are still around, but what about your other siblings?“ Dirk was curious again. I'm all for it.
”Yes, an older brother, a younger sister and a little brother of 5 years old!“
”You can only say that their parents were productive, not like Stef's, the spoiled only child!”
“Be glad that I'm spoiled, otherwise you wouldn't have a place to crash at my place when it gets too loud at yours! You have to understand, Dirk's parents were even more productive, he has 4 more siblings and it's always pretty loud, so he sometimes needs my place to find some peace and quiet!”
Wow, I managed to get a complete sentence out. Even Dirk seems surprised, as I can tell from his face.
And just at that moment, our little small talk was interrupted by the shrill ringing of the bell and our German teacher came rushing in late as usual.
“Oh, I see the new face has already arrived. I hope you settle in quickly. Come to the front after class. Oh, Steffen, you too!"
What's going on now? Have I messed with some teacher again, like I often do? I can't remember anything.
In case I haven't mentioned it yet, I'm the one in the class who messes with every teacher and usually represents the opinion of the class as soon as we don't like something. Unfortunately, this happens too often, so I'm actually used to showing up at Mr. Kleinert's, or as we call him, Mister Super-Cool, more often after class. But this time I'm not really aware of any guilt. I'll survive.
And on we go with the daily material and thus with the old hunk of “Faust”. There's not much more to report about this lesson. Of course, my eyes and thoughts were on Mark again.
After the lesson, as prescribed, I showed up at Mr. Kleinert's place and of course Mark was there too. The usual welcome banter started between them.
How are you? Where are you from? Have you settled in yet? Well, the usual questions that seem pretty familiar to me, after all, Dirk was asking them himself just recently.
"And have you had a chance to get to know the subject a bit yet? Or are you still having a lot of trouble?”
“I'm trying to get a bit into the subject matter, but it's a big change. It'll probably take me a while to catch up on the material.”
“It's good that you're here, Steffen. You're not that bad, and I saw earlier that you and Mark have already gotten to know each other a bit. I wanted to ask you if you could help Mark when he has problems. You can give him your notes.”
What, me help this dream guy with his stuff? Really me? I could have fallen around Mr. Kleinert's neck. But to avoid sounding too euphoric, I just said:
“Sure, we can meet up later and talk about a few things. No problem.”
"Of course, only if it's okay with you, Mark?”
“Thanks, that'd be a huge help. There are still a few things I have to catch up on.“
”Well, all the better. Then you can work out the rest between yourselves. That's it, I didn't want any more. You can leave."
What, no snarl? Not even a reprimand? What am I doing?
It's fine with me!
Again to Mark:
“And do you have time today? Or should we meet another time?”
“It would suit me if it's not too much trouble for you?”
Oh, wasn't he cute. He looked quite intimidated at his shoes.
I would have liked to have taken him in my arms right away. But I could still hold back.
“I have to go now, my mom is waiting to pick us up. When does it suit you? Today at 6:00 p.m.?“
Of course it suits me, and if it didn't, I would have made other plans. But you shouldn't shout it out right away. So I tried to hide my happiness a bit.
”Sure, it's fine. Just come over!”
So I gave him my address and shortly afterwards he was already gone without saying much more. So I was left standing there alone. It took me a few moments to process what had happened. I found it difficult to put one foot in front of the other, I was so dazed; it was as if I had to learn how to walk all over again. Eventually, I got moving, and I don't know how it happened, but eventually Dirk was walking next to me.
“So what did he want from you this time? More trouble with some teachers?”
Still dazed, with a big smile on my face, but in control, I was still able to answer him.
“No, not at all. He just wanted me to help Mark catch up on his schoolwork.“
”Oh, that's why you're so grumpy. I guess he fulfilled your heart's desire with that. Be careful with your eyes, they'll devour him.“
”Is it that obvious?“
”If he hasn't noticed yet, he's either stupid, blind, or he wants...”
“What does he want?“
”Who says he wants something? He could just be blind!“
”Well, come on, what else could it be? Stupid, blind or?”
“Well, have you ever thought that he might, I mean like you! Well, you know. That he's not completely averse to you. Shit! Don't keep me in suspense. You know I'm bad at expressing myself.”
I couldn't help but grin. Dirk looked so cute when he tried to explain to me that maybe Mark could feel something for me too. But I seriously doubt it. You can tell that Dirk has problems talking about feelings. But that also makes him a lovable (what a crappy word, I just can't think of a better one) person.
“You don't really believe that he could feel something for me, do you? What are the chances that he's gay and that he could feel something for me too? I think the chances are smaller than zero.”
“Well, don't give up hope so quickly. Who knows. Maybe it is him after all. And it would be your turn to experience a little happiness for a change.“
”Come on, let's drop this topic. It's just nonsense to talk about fictional things. There's nothing there with him and I don't think there ever will be. Unfortunately.”
“Fair enough. Let me ask you a different question: could I come over today to do math? I have a full house again and no peace and quiet. That's awful. I'd better move in with you so I can have some peace and quiet.“
”Sorry, not today. Mark is coming over later and we want to go over the material!“
”Oh, now I understand your mood.”
He said this, once again flashing his dirty grin.
“Come on, stop it. Nothing's going on, don't worry. It would be too good to be true. He's just coming over to study. Really.”
"But leave a little of him. The girls in the class would thank you.”
There's that dirty grin again. I could just kill him. But in the end I couldn't help grinning myself. Mark is a sweetheart. No doubt about it.
“I'll see you at school tomorrow,” I suddenly hear Dirk shouting across the street. Our paths separated once again and I trudged alone through the cold December, lost in thought.
Have I already mentioned how much I hate this time of year? Especially when it's like this. Wet and cold, daily showers, not a single ray of sunshine and a gray, cloudy sky. Like the last few years, it's been wet and cold and not a flake of snow in sight, which would have at least looked a bit nice. No, always this damn rain. Like now.
Completely soaked and splattered with mold from top to bottom (by passing cars, not by what you think), I arrived home. Fortunately, my parents were out of town and couldn't annoy me. So I had the house to myself.
I took off my clothes and jumped in the shower.
Taking a shower is just divine in such miserable weather. Feeling the warm water on your skin, how it rolls down your body. Simply heavenly.
I could spend the whole day like this, just the warmth from above, sliding down your body.
That's why it happens again and again that I lose track of time.
So it had to happen as it had to.
Suddenly the doorbell rang and when I looked at the clock, I was shocked. It was already 6:00 p.m. I had been in the shower for an entire hour. Shit. In a rush, I just threw a towel around my hips and ran to the door. As expected, Mark was standing outside, looking at me with wide eyes.
Only now did I realize that I was opening the door to Mark half naked. Normally that wouldn't have mattered, for example with Dirk. But making a bad impression on Mark right away was not necessary.
"Sorry, come in. I just forgot the time in the shower. I don't usually receive guests wearing just a bath towel.”
“Oh. Good. I thought I was too early or that I would bother you.“
”No, not at all, it was my own fault. Come in now.“
As ordered, he entered our house and first got rid of his shoes and jacket.
I then led him to my room.
”Make yourself comfortable first. I'll be right back, but then fully clothed.”
I smiled at him briefly and then disappeared into the bathroom. Shit, only now did it occur to me how embarrassing this was. You expect someone to study with and this someone is a real dream. You forget the time while showering and only open the door with a bath towel around your hips. What an impression that makes. I can well imagine what Dirk would say if he found out about it.
“Aha, I wouldn't have thought that of you, that you would throw yourself at him like that. But when hormones take over, reason goes out the window!"
Shit, this is embarrassing. But I tried to come to my senses anyway and got dressed as quickly as possible.
I then went back to the room and asked first:
“Do you want a drink?“
”Great!“
”Tea, coffee, cocoa or something else?“
”A cup of tea, if it's not too much trouble.“
”Not at all. I would have made myself one. I'll be right back with the tea.”
I then disappeared into the kitchen again. Of course, I didn't just make any old tea. No, no, I made the best Christmas tea we had. After all, it was only a few weeks until Christmas, so I thought I'd give it a try. I then put a pot of hot tea, two cups and sugar on a tray and tiptoed up to my room.
I didn't want to make myself noticeable at first, but secretly spy on what Mark was doing in my kingdom.
My eyes almost popped out. He had sat down on my couch and just fell asleep in it. His chest rose and fell gently as he breathed.
He had huddled up like a little child.
It looked so cute. I watched him for quite a while and could have gone on forever, but he was there to do a little school work. So I sat down on the couch next to him and gently stroked his hair.
“Hey, wake up. The tea is ready!“
He opened his eyes very slowly and two small, blue, sleepy eyes looked at me through two small slits.
”What's up?“ He asked sleepily.
”You just dozed off,” I said, smiling at him.
Suddenly he jumped up, apparently realizing that he was not at home in his own bed, but on a stranger's couch.
"Shit, something like that can only happen to me. This is really embarrassing, I'm really sorry. It wasn't on purpose. I'm just a little overstressed from the move and my new impressions.”
“Are we so boring that you're falling asleep?“ I asked jokingly.
”No, not at all, you're super nice,“ he said a little bashfully, but when he saw my grin, he started giggling too.
”Here, have your tea first.“
”Sorry again, I shouldn't fall asleep here anymore.”
“Oh, we're even now, I forgot to get dressed and greeted you in a bath towel and you fell asleep. So let's forget it!“
He then took his tea. He smelled it first and took a small sip.
”Mm. Tastes really good! Christmas tea, right?“
”Of course, only the best for my guests. How has your move been so far?”
“Pretty much everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, so I'm a bit stressed out. When we arrived here, there was no taxi to be found and the one that was supposed to be sent for us wasn't there. So we had to spend an extra two hours at the airport waiting for another taxi. But then the next problem arose: the taxi driver didn't know where our address was. So we had to search for our house in a two-hour odyssey. But in the end we arrived there too."
He paused to take another sip of tea and continued.
“Then we finally arrived, but then we realized that the things we had already sent in advance were not there yet and when we called the airline, we were informed that our luggage had been lost. Great prospect, wasn't it?“
”It's not a particularly good start.”
“Really not!” He said, a little annoyed, ”and then today our luggage turned up again. When I came home from school today, our place looked like a battlefield. Fortunately, I hardly had time and then went straight back to you. If I had to put it away today, it would have been the end of me.”
“Oh you poor thing. It really didn't go well. It can only get better. I, Dirk and the others will make sure of that.“
”Thanks, so far you and Dirk are the only ray of hope here in Germany."
I blushed a little at that and quickly looked at my feet before it got too embarrassing.
“Don't worry, when you get to know the others, you'll quickly realize that we're just average and everyone, well maybe not everyone, but the majority, will welcome you with open arms and treat you well.“
”Don't sell yourself short, what you've done so far is not to be taken for granted. You're really super nice and I'd like you as a friend.”
A friend, what a word! What else could you expect? At least a friend. Better than nothing.
“Do you already miss San Diego?”
"Yes, of course. The weather, the city, everything!”
“I can understand that, you have nice weather all the time, a nice, big city with lots of clubs and other ways to pass the time, and then you come to a place like that. It must seem like hell to you.
Cold, wet, rainy weather, a village with a stupid village disco, where the stupidest proles hang out and pick up women and otherwise it's dead calm.“
”So far I haven't seen much of the city, so I can't really judge, but it certainly doesn't have as much to offer as San Diego and the weather is awful too. But the people here have been great so far.
Nevertheless, I miss my girlfriend terribly. It was a hard goodbye. We really cried at the airport."
Ouch. That was a deep stab. That hurt. Suddenly my mood was gone. A girlfriend who is straight and therefore out of reach for me. My mood was on the verge of plummeting.
“You just have to meet her, she's the best person on earth. She listens to me when I'm in pain and comforts me. I can laugh with her about any shit and fool around with her. She always stands by me. You can steal horses with her. Just a dream."
Now he had reached rock bottom. Can I sink any lower?
“She's what I miss most. I don't think anyone can replace her.“
Shit, I can sink even lower.
”She's just my best friend, who I can't do without."
What did I hear? Best friend. Best friend. There is still hope.
“So, is she your best friend or is she your girlfriend? I mean, your girlfriend now?“
”No, my best friend. I never had and never will have anything with her. She's my favorite friend. I don't want to ruin the relationship I have with her by loving her. I hope you understand.”
“Of course I understand.“
At that moment, a huge weight fell from my heart. If it had landed on the floor, it would have caused an earthquake measuring 10 on the Richter scale. So there was still hope and my mood rose rapidly.
”Where are your parents, by the way, or how come you're here alone?” he then asked me.
“They just want to relax a bit from the stress just before the holidays. They flew to Spain and are spending a few weeks there on vacation, so I have the house to myself. And I'm quite happy about that."
Suddenly I hear a strange noise, which turns out to be a huge growl from my stomach.
He was visibly embarrassed and blushed, looking shamefacedly at the ground.
“Are you hungry? Shall we go down to the kitchen and find something to eat?”
"Gladly, sorry for my growl, but I haven't eaten all day.”
“What you haven't eaten all day, well then quickly down to the kitchen before you collapse on me.“
”Sorry, I'm really embarrassed.“
”Oh don't worry about it, I got hungry too."
So we march downstairs to the kitchen and raid the fridge.
While eating, the chatter continues.
“How come your family came to Germany? And if Germany, why right out in the sticks?“
”My father is a hotel manager and as you probably know, the new Robinson Club was opened near here and my father has been hired as the manager of one of the restaurants. And when the father goes, everyone has to follow him.”
“That's right, it was built here and they make a lot of money from it.
Why didn't you and your brother stay in the US to finish school? Surely it's easier than changing schools again just before graduation?“
”My father doesn't think so. He's a stickler for tradition and wants to exert his full influence over us while we're still minors, and we have to follow suit.”
Suddenly, a downpour begins outside, so that it just bursts against the window panes. The day has already turned into night, so all you can see is the rain on the window panes.
Mark looks at his watch and suddenly flinches.
"Shit, it's already 10:00 p.m. I have to get home as soon as possible.”
“Really, it's already 10:00 p.m. But quickly forget that I'll let you out in this weather. You call home now and say that you're staying at a friend's house tonight. No objection. In this lousy weather, you'll arrive home completely soaked and with pneumonia, and nobody wants that responsibility. So you're staying here.”
Mark wants to say something, but I interrupt him.
“No argument, you're staying.”
Mark doesn't say a word and just sits there silently.
“Okay, now here's the phone, and you're going to call your parents.”
I listen to him on the side and when he's hung up, we decide to clear the table and put the dishes in the dishwasher.
Of course, it doesn't take forever, so we go upstairs right after that, back to my realm.
“Go on in, I'll just go to the bathroom quickly.”
In short, quickly done. I go to the little king tiger and Mark goes to my room. Shortly after I'm done, I return, but what do I see. Mark has fallen asleep again. I can't stop smiling at that moment. He looks so helpless and beautiful. This time he is lying on my bed, all curled up, breathing calmly and rhythmically in and out. A slight smile is on his lips. As peaceful as an angel.
He looks good enough to eat. I would have loved to lie down next to him and snuggle up to him. But I manage to resist.
But this time I won't wake him up. He told me earlier what he is going through at the moment and that he is under a lot of stress, so I can fully understand his exhaustion. Instead, I take a blanket and cover his sweet body.
Nevertheless, I don't lie down next to him, but take another blanket and lie down on the couch. Outside, the wind whips the rain against the windows and the streetlamps flicker. They are the only thing that still provides light in the room. An eerie yet beautiful atmosphere.
I go over the day and its events in my head. First, of course, the first encounter with Mark, then the first conversation, where he and I were still quite shy and only Dirk directed the conversation. Then, of course, the moment when Mr. Kleinert asked me if I could help Mark, which I was of course happy to do, and finally the evening at my place.
Of course, I was embarrassed that I had to open it with a bath towel around my hips. Then when he fell asleep and I had to wake him up. His stomach rumbling, the food and, of course, the conversation.
It only now occurs to me that I actually only squeezed him out the whole evening and he hardly had a chance to ask me anything.
Although neither of us was really the reason for our meeting, we were supposed to be doing something for school, but that was sidelined, which I don't necessarily regret.
For the first time, a person has turned my head so much that I can't stop thinking about him. I can't get him out of my head.
But what are the thoughts. I don't even know if he can feel anything like I do for a man. The chance is almost zero. But he just won't go out of my head.
As confused as I am, I fall asleep.
Even in my dreams, I don't want to let him go. I see us lying on the beach, arm in arm. The sun is setting. His warm skin rests on my body. Small lightning strikes our bodies. I feel his mouth on mine, slowly our lips open and our tongues penetrate into the other mouth. They play with each other gently and yet demanding. His lips move down, first my chest, which he considers with gentle kisses, then further down to my belly button, which he brings to vibrate with his tongue and finally even deeper up to...
“NO, NO, stop, please stop, I'll never do it again. Please stop. No. Please, it hurts, please stop..."
I am suddenly woken from my sweet dreams.
I hear loud shouting. It's coming from Mark's direction. I jump up. I run to his bed and see him tossing and turning in bed and shouting.
I am worried about him, very worried. I try to wake him up, but it doesn't work.
He lashes out at me every time I try to wake him up, and I get hit in the eye. But at the moment I couldn't care less.
"NO, NO, stop it, please stop, it hurts. No, I don't want that, it hurts, it hurts.”
I feel queasy and helpless like a child and don't know what to do.
"Stop it, stop it, it hurts so much, no, I don't want this, no. Please stop. Stop it! No! It hurts so much!”
It is only when I shake him roughly and slap him (which probably hurt me the most, I abhor violence, but at that moment I didn't know what else to do) that Mark wakes up, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mark stares at me in horror and doesn't move. He sits there as if frozen.
“Mark, it's okay, it's just a dream.”
Mark clings to me, the color has drained from his face, he looks at me pale with empty, staring eyes.
There are large beads of sweat on his forehead and his skin feels icy cold, as if he is currently absorbing the entire cold of the North Pole.
Tears begin to collect in his eyes and suddenly thick tears roll down his cheeks. He presses his head against my shoulder and just says,
"Please hold me, just hold me tight, please.”
Mark is shaking all over and his fingernails are digging into my back. He cries and cries and finally falls back to sleep, still clinging to me.
I don't let go of him, as I was commanded, I stay seated the whole time and hold him tight.
I would rather hold him under different circumstances and for a different reason, but I am there for him and just hold him. He begins to breathe slowly and rhythmically. Mark stops trembling and his skin regains warmth and color.
But I don't let go, as I am commanded.
What had he dreamt that had so agitated him?
What frightened him so much? Did I do something to scare him? Or did something else happen?
What hurt him so much? Or was it all just a dream?
Was it just my imagination or was it real after all?
I worry the whole time that follows and don't close an eye.
I hold Mark in my arms, who is sleeping peacefully again. The rain has stopped outside and the clock shows 2:00 a.m. But I don't move an inch and just hold him tight. The clock advances to 3:00 a.m., then 3:30 a.m., 4:00 a.m., and finally I fall asleep too.
“Mr. Beckmann,” Dirk woke up angrily next to me. “Probably taking a nap, eh?” he was surprised by the harsh voice of our physics teacher. In his mighty stature with his big belly, he puffed up in front of Dirk, who looked at him drowsily through narrow eye slits.
The whole class around us was laughing and lying on the benches, because until now it has never happened that someone has fallen asleep out of fear in front of our mighty Manitu Mr. Winkler. Well, there's always a first time.
However, despite his harsh manner, he had nothing to fear from him, because under the teacher's defiant shell was a soft core.
Since we were about to go on vacation anyway, he didn't hold it against him, since we had only watched a video anyway.
In any case, there was something to laugh about and that was probably the most important thing.
As already mentioned, it was shortly before the Christmas vacations, to be exact, two weeks left and we would have completed our quota at school this year.
For this very reason, no one was in the mood to tear down any trees, especially not in these freezing temperatures this winter.
So we got physics over with by watching a “highly interesting” video.
Two hours to go before the end of school. Who could possibly keep this up? No idea where we got the reserves from, but somehow we managed to get through every week, every single day, every single minute in class. For that alone, all the students deserve a medal.
We couldn't change this for the next two years. First of all, we had to get through German and, yawn, music, but so be it. I'll just tell you who is actually speaking here, or rather, who is writing here.
In case you haven't realized it yet, how could you, I'm Stef, to be exact my name is Steffen, but I hate that name like the plague, so it was just right for everyone to start calling me Stef for some reason I can't remember.
So, back to the text. As you may have already gathered, I am a student, in 11th grade to be exact, in some small town in Mecklenburg-Western Pomerania, and I still have to endure another two years here. I'm 17 and at 1.89 meters, I'm not particularly small, as you can imagine, and so I also stand out a bit. But not only because of my size, no, I'm still thin, not too thin, even if my mother keeps saying that, I think I'm just right at the moment. This used to look different, but let's not go into that.
What have I already told you? Oh yes. I am 17; 1.89 m tall and my name is Stef. What else is there to say. If anyone is interested, I have black, short, tousled hair and blue-gray eyes. Well, I'm quite happy with myself. Did I already mention that I'm gay? If not, then let this be said.
But how should it be any different in the countryside, or as I call it “out in the sticks”, unfortunately I'm still single. But I sincerely hope that this fact will soon be remedied. But I don't have much hope.
Especially now that Christmas is fast approaching, I miss the warmth and security of a boyfriend (sorry for the English terms, but as you will quickly notice, I am heavily contaminated with Anglicisms and so it should not surprise you if such words appear more often). Well, enough whining, what the heck, I can't change it.
So on with the text. Now it's time for lunch, a ray of hope. Just an hour to fool around. So we sat down, as already known, Dirk and I and additionally Sven and Andie, at some table in the school building and started playing cards again. And we ate our lunch on the side. What else is there to do? Outside, the miserable, wet November weather is still upon us, with the rain beating against the windows.
In any case, Dirk suddenly says:
“Have you heard? There's a new kid starting school today!”
"Yeah, and who cares? It's probably just a new kid for the little ones, you know, years 5 and 6!”
“Nonsense! He's coming to our level, but I don't know exactly which class. In any case, he's pretty cute. For a boy."
For the sake of understanding. Dirk is not gay. He's totally straight. Well, what his allusion means? He's been trying to get me out of my little depression for quite some time. He's a nice guy.
But it's not as bad as it sounds. I just don't like the combination of winter and being single, and that affects my mood, but not too much.
As you might have already noticed, I'm out. Well, not exactly to everyone. I don't walk around with a sign around my neck that says “I'm gay,” but if someone asks me directly what I am, I naturally tell the truth. So far, only the aforementioned Dirk, Andie and Sven and my parents know, well, that's enough to start with.
“Yeah, yeah, you and your knowledge of boys.“
”No, seriously, Kristin has already tried to throw herself at him and you know what that means."
Kristin is the ‘most beautiful’ (according to the others) girl on the team, and everyone has already had a go at her, and then along comes a new guy and turns her head! Wow, now I'm interested in him after all. But to be realistic, what would be the chances of him being interested in me? Thoughts thrown overboard and back to the card game. To make a long story short, except for a few sounds like 18, 20, 22 or 24, you don't hear anything from us. We are once again in our element.
Suddenly, how could it be otherwise, the bell rings and we have to prepare ourselves for two hours of further agony. First English and then German. Two hours to fall asleep, which is actually also my plan. Otherwise I would probably die of boredom.
And so we squeeze through the narrow door into the room and I plant myself in the back row against the wall so as not to be noticed.
And then our teacher's annoying voice begins.
"Now hurry up with unpacking in 20 seconds the bell will ring for class.”
Blablabla, always in a rush. Brrr. How I dislike this woman.
Nothing against women, but I'll never drink to her health.
That's mainly because of her teaching style, but anyway, in short, I hate the way she speaks English. Not even someone who has English as their mother tongue understands her, and she's supposed to be teaching the language. Grrr.
What's the point, I can't change anything. At most, I can get annoyed about it.
“Good afternoon, open your books please...” Blah, blah, blah, the sobering school day continues and I decide to take my little nap.
But just before my eyes close, there's a sudden knock at the door.
Our deputy head teacher pokes his head in.
“Sorry to interrupt you, but I have someone here who would like to start attending classes today.” Sure, and my name is Helmut Kohl and I'm clean. Typical phrases.
So Dirk was right after all, we're getting a new guy. Mr. Schmidt, our vice principal, steps aside and a dream of a man enters the room.
Black, short-cropped, disheveled hair, slim, well-proportioned figure, steel-blue eyes and a dazzling smile with small white sparkling teeth.
In a word: a DREAM.
“This is Mark Kerr. And I'll leave you alone for now and you'll continue nicely!” Schmidt put on his slimy smile again and closed the door.
And now he is standing there in the middle of the room. He seems a bit intimidated and you can see that he feels a bit uncomfortable.
Fortunately, our teacher intervenes.
“First of all, sit down next to Dirk, back there in the third row.”
What's next to Dirk, so only one seat between me and this dream.
I think at that moment my heart starts beating twice as fast as usual. I think at that moment I was on the verge of losing my senses.
Now Mark, whose name sounds like that of an angel, makes his way over and sits down next to Dirk.
Suddenly I am pushed roughly in the side.
“Stop staring or he'll notice how you're eyeing him up in broad daylight.“ Dirk grins at me and laughs softly.
Only now do I realize that not only I but almost all the other girls are staring at Mark and almost devouring him with their eyes. Even I can't help but smile slightly.
”Could you introduce yourself, please?”
I think our teacher would have refrained from asking this question if she had known what was coming next. He starts to talk in unbelievably perfect English. (I'm not going to give you the original wording)
In any case, Mark says that he is from San Diego in the USA, is 18 years old and will spend the next few years in Germany with his parents.
Well, just a bit of small talk, but our teacher's reaction was intense. The color flees from her face and leaves only a pale white.
So for the first time our teacher gets competition, especially when speaking, and I think she knows that she has a certain shortcoming. Nevertheless, she quickly begins to catch up and quickly switches to a different topic and goes through the material that was actually on the agenda.
But I'm not the only one who has noticed her reaction. The rest of us start to giggle quietly.
My planned nap understandably falls through.
Instead, I steal a few furtive glances at the people next to me. Not at Dirk, but at Mark, who is sitting next to him. He seems even more impressive from up close. His lightly tanned skin is so delicate. When he smiles, you can see little dimples in his cheeks and no visible wart growth. I can see that much, but unfortunately the rest remains hidden by his clothes.
Dirk keeps nudging me, telling me not to stare, but despite all his admonishments, I can't take my eyes off him.
Mark himself seems a bit unsure; I think he's noticed that he's being watched by many people, especially the girls and me. His eyes twitch slightly and he tries to follow the lesson.
A bell rings, ending the lesson and releasing Mark from his situation.
Even if I had wanted to, and I did, I couldn't talk to Mark. Fortunately, Dirk was sitting next to me and, as always, couldn't keep his mouth shut and started chatting away.
"Hi Mark, we already know your name. I'm Dirk and next to me is another idiot. You can call him Stef.”
“Dirk, shut your mouth!” Dork, what nerve. Well, that's how it is between Dirk and me, and yet we love each other.
“And have you settled in well in good old Germany yet?“
”Well, the weather takes some getting used to. But otherwise quite nice. I'll survive it."
What a beautiful voice. Sigh. How? How can a US American speak such good German? Well, me and Dirk are thinking along the same lines again and he asked the same question that was going through my mind.
“Oh, it's quite simple. My parents emigrated to the US in the 50s and now we're just back. And a lot of German was spoken at home, so you learn it quickly. You're even forced to in order to understand everything.”
“Speaking of 'we', who are you talking about? Surely your parents are still around, but what about your other siblings?“ Dirk was curious again. I'm all for it.
”Yes, an older brother, a younger sister and a little brother of 5 years old!“
”You can only say that their parents were productive, not like Stef's, the spoiled only child!”
“Be glad that I'm spoiled, otherwise you wouldn't have a place to crash at my place when it gets too loud at yours! You have to understand, Dirk's parents were even more productive, he has 4 more siblings and it's always pretty loud, so he sometimes needs my place to find some peace and quiet!”
Wow, I managed to get a complete sentence out. Even Dirk seems surprised, as I can tell from his face.
And just at that moment, our little small talk was interrupted by the shrill ringing of the bell and our German teacher came rushing in late as usual.
“Oh, I see the new face has already arrived. I hope you settle in quickly. Come to the front after class. Oh, Steffen, you too!"
What's going on now? Have I messed with some teacher again, like I often do? I can't remember anything.
In case I haven't mentioned it yet, I'm the one in the class who messes with every teacher and usually represents the opinion of the class as soon as we don't like something. Unfortunately, this happens too often, so I'm actually used to showing up at Mr. Kleinert's, or as we call him, Mister Super-Cool, more often after class. But this time I'm not really aware of any guilt. I'll survive.
And on we go with the daily material and thus with the old hunk of “Faust”. There's not much more to report about this lesson. Of course, my eyes and thoughts were on Mark again.
After the lesson, as prescribed, I showed up at Mr. Kleinert's place and of course Mark was there too. The usual welcome banter started between them.
How are you? Where are you from? Have you settled in yet? Well, the usual questions that seem pretty familiar to me, after all, Dirk was asking them himself just recently.
"And have you had a chance to get to know the subject a bit yet? Or are you still having a lot of trouble?”
“I'm trying to get a bit into the subject matter, but it's a big change. It'll probably take me a while to catch up on the material.”
“It's good that you're here, Steffen. You're not that bad, and I saw earlier that you and Mark have already gotten to know each other a bit. I wanted to ask you if you could help Mark when he has problems. You can give him your notes.”
What, me help this dream guy with his stuff? Really me? I could have fallen around Mr. Kleinert's neck. But to avoid sounding too euphoric, I just said:
“Sure, we can meet up later and talk about a few things. No problem.”
"Of course, only if it's okay with you, Mark?”
“Thanks, that'd be a huge help. There are still a few things I have to catch up on.“
”Well, all the better. Then you can work out the rest between yourselves. That's it, I didn't want any more. You can leave."
What, no snarl? Not even a reprimand? What am I doing?
It's fine with me!
Again to Mark:
“And do you have time today? Or should we meet another time?”
“It would suit me if it's not too much trouble for you?”
Oh, wasn't he cute. He looked quite intimidated at his shoes.
I would have liked to have taken him in my arms right away. But I could still hold back.
“I have to go now, my mom is waiting to pick us up. When does it suit you? Today at 6:00 p.m.?“
Of course it suits me, and if it didn't, I would have made other plans. But you shouldn't shout it out right away. So I tried to hide my happiness a bit.
”Sure, it's fine. Just come over!”
So I gave him my address and shortly afterwards he was already gone without saying much more. So I was left standing there alone. It took me a few moments to process what had happened. I found it difficult to put one foot in front of the other, I was so dazed; it was as if I had to learn how to walk all over again. Eventually, I got moving, and I don't know how it happened, but eventually Dirk was walking next to me.
“So what did he want from you this time? More trouble with some teachers?”
Still dazed, with a big smile on my face, but in control, I was still able to answer him.
“No, not at all. He just wanted me to help Mark catch up on his schoolwork.“
”Oh, that's why you're so grumpy. I guess he fulfilled your heart's desire with that. Be careful with your eyes, they'll devour him.“
”Is it that obvious?“
”If he hasn't noticed yet, he's either stupid, blind, or he wants...”
“What does he want?“
”Who says he wants something? He could just be blind!“
”Well, come on, what else could it be? Stupid, blind or?”
“Well, have you ever thought that he might, I mean like you! Well, you know. That he's not completely averse to you. Shit! Don't keep me in suspense. You know I'm bad at expressing myself.”
I couldn't help but grin. Dirk looked so cute when he tried to explain to me that maybe Mark could feel something for me too. But I seriously doubt it. You can tell that Dirk has problems talking about feelings. But that also makes him a lovable (what a crappy word, I just can't think of a better one) person.
“You don't really believe that he could feel something for me, do you? What are the chances that he's gay and that he could feel something for me too? I think the chances are smaller than zero.”
“Well, don't give up hope so quickly. Who knows. Maybe it is him after all. And it would be your turn to experience a little happiness for a change.“
”Come on, let's drop this topic. It's just nonsense to talk about fictional things. There's nothing there with him and I don't think there ever will be. Unfortunately.”
“Fair enough. Let me ask you a different question: could I come over today to do math? I have a full house again and no peace and quiet. That's awful. I'd better move in with you so I can have some peace and quiet.“
”Sorry, not today. Mark is coming over later and we want to go over the material!“
”Oh, now I understand your mood.”
He said this, once again flashing his dirty grin.
“Come on, stop it. Nothing's going on, don't worry. It would be too good to be true. He's just coming over to study. Really.”
"But leave a little of him. The girls in the class would thank you.”
There's that dirty grin again. I could just kill him. But in the end I couldn't help grinning myself. Mark is a sweetheart. No doubt about it.
“I'll see you at school tomorrow,” I suddenly hear Dirk shouting across the street. Our paths separated once again and I trudged alone through the cold December, lost in thought.
Have I already mentioned how much I hate this time of year? Especially when it's like this. Wet and cold, daily showers, not a single ray of sunshine and a gray, cloudy sky. Like the last few years, it's been wet and cold and not a flake of snow in sight, which would have at least looked a bit nice. No, always this damn rain. Like now.
Completely soaked and splattered with mold from top to bottom (by passing cars, not by what you think), I arrived home. Fortunately, my parents were out of town and couldn't annoy me. So I had the house to myself.
I took off my clothes and jumped in the shower.
Taking a shower is just divine in such miserable weather. Feeling the warm water on your skin, how it rolls down your body. Simply heavenly.
I could spend the whole day like this, just the warmth from above, sliding down your body.
That's why it happens again and again that I lose track of time.
So it had to happen as it had to.
Suddenly the doorbell rang and when I looked at the clock, I was shocked. It was already 6:00 p.m. I had been in the shower for an entire hour. Shit. In a rush, I just threw a towel around my hips and ran to the door. As expected, Mark was standing outside, looking at me with wide eyes.
Only now did I realize that I was opening the door to Mark half naked. Normally that wouldn't have mattered, for example with Dirk. But making a bad impression on Mark right away was not necessary.
"Sorry, come in. I just forgot the time in the shower. I don't usually receive guests wearing just a bath towel.”
“Oh. Good. I thought I was too early or that I would bother you.“
”No, not at all, it was my own fault. Come in now.“
As ordered, he entered our house and first got rid of his shoes and jacket.
I then led him to my room.
”Make yourself comfortable first. I'll be right back, but then fully clothed.”
I smiled at him briefly and then disappeared into the bathroom. Shit, only now did it occur to me how embarrassing this was. You expect someone to study with and this someone is a real dream. You forget the time while showering and only open the door with a bath towel around your hips. What an impression that makes. I can well imagine what Dirk would say if he found out about it.
“Aha, I wouldn't have thought that of you, that you would throw yourself at him like that. But when hormones take over, reason goes out the window!"
Shit, this is embarrassing. But I tried to come to my senses anyway and got dressed as quickly as possible.
I then went back to the room and asked first:
“Do you want a drink?“
”Great!“
”Tea, coffee, cocoa or something else?“
”A cup of tea, if it's not too much trouble.“
”Not at all. I would have made myself one. I'll be right back with the tea.”
I then disappeared into the kitchen again. Of course, I didn't just make any old tea. No, no, I made the best Christmas tea we had. After all, it was only a few weeks until Christmas, so I thought I'd give it a try. I then put a pot of hot tea, two cups and sugar on a tray and tiptoed up to my room.
I didn't want to make myself noticeable at first, but secretly spy on what Mark was doing in my kingdom.
My eyes almost popped out. He had sat down on my couch and just fell asleep in it. His chest rose and fell gently as he breathed.
He had huddled up like a little child.
It looked so cute. I watched him for quite a while and could have gone on forever, but he was there to do a little school work. So I sat down on the couch next to him and gently stroked his hair.
“Hey, wake up. The tea is ready!“
He opened his eyes very slowly and two small, blue, sleepy eyes looked at me through two small slits.
”What's up?“ He asked sleepily.
”You just dozed off,” I said, smiling at him.
Suddenly he jumped up, apparently realizing that he was not at home in his own bed, but on a stranger's couch.
"Shit, something like that can only happen to me. This is really embarrassing, I'm really sorry. It wasn't on purpose. I'm just a little overstressed from the move and my new impressions.”
“Are we so boring that you're falling asleep?“ I asked jokingly.
”No, not at all, you're super nice,“ he said a little bashfully, but when he saw my grin, he started giggling too.
”Here, have your tea first.“
”Sorry again, I shouldn't fall asleep here anymore.”
“Oh, we're even now, I forgot to get dressed and greeted you in a bath towel and you fell asleep. So let's forget it!“
He then took his tea. He smelled it first and took a small sip.
”Mm. Tastes really good! Christmas tea, right?“
”Of course, only the best for my guests. How has your move been so far?”
“Pretty much everything that could go wrong has gone wrong, so I'm a bit stressed out. When we arrived here, there was no taxi to be found and the one that was supposed to be sent for us wasn't there. So we had to spend an extra two hours at the airport waiting for another taxi. But then the next problem arose: the taxi driver didn't know where our address was. So we had to search for our house in a two-hour odyssey. But in the end we arrived there too."
He paused to take another sip of tea and continued.
“Then we finally arrived, but then we realized that the things we had already sent in advance were not there yet and when we called the airline, we were informed that our luggage had been lost. Great prospect, wasn't it?“
”It's not a particularly good start.”
“Really not!” He said, a little annoyed, ”and then today our luggage turned up again. When I came home from school today, our place looked like a battlefield. Fortunately, I hardly had time and then went straight back to you. If I had to put it away today, it would have been the end of me.”
“Oh you poor thing. It really didn't go well. It can only get better. I, Dirk and the others will make sure of that.“
”Thanks, so far you and Dirk are the only ray of hope here in Germany."
I blushed a little at that and quickly looked at my feet before it got too embarrassing.
“Don't worry, when you get to know the others, you'll quickly realize that we're just average and everyone, well maybe not everyone, but the majority, will welcome you with open arms and treat you well.“
”Don't sell yourself short, what you've done so far is not to be taken for granted. You're really super nice and I'd like you as a friend.”
A friend, what a word! What else could you expect? At least a friend. Better than nothing.
“Do you already miss San Diego?”
"Yes, of course. The weather, the city, everything!”
“I can understand that, you have nice weather all the time, a nice, big city with lots of clubs and other ways to pass the time, and then you come to a place like that. It must seem like hell to you.
Cold, wet, rainy weather, a village with a stupid village disco, where the stupidest proles hang out and pick up women and otherwise it's dead calm.“
”So far I haven't seen much of the city, so I can't really judge, but it certainly doesn't have as much to offer as San Diego and the weather is awful too. But the people here have been great so far.
Nevertheless, I miss my girlfriend terribly. It was a hard goodbye. We really cried at the airport."
Ouch. That was a deep stab. That hurt. Suddenly my mood was gone. A girlfriend who is straight and therefore out of reach for me. My mood was on the verge of plummeting.
“You just have to meet her, she's the best person on earth. She listens to me when I'm in pain and comforts me. I can laugh with her about any shit and fool around with her. She always stands by me. You can steal horses with her. Just a dream."
Now he had reached rock bottom. Can I sink any lower?
“She's what I miss most. I don't think anyone can replace her.“
Shit, I can sink even lower.
”She's just my best friend, who I can't do without."
What did I hear? Best friend. Best friend. There is still hope.
“So, is she your best friend or is she your girlfriend? I mean, your girlfriend now?“
”No, my best friend. I never had and never will have anything with her. She's my favorite friend. I don't want to ruin the relationship I have with her by loving her. I hope you understand.”
“Of course I understand.“
At that moment, a huge weight fell from my heart. If it had landed on the floor, it would have caused an earthquake measuring 10 on the Richter scale. So there was still hope and my mood rose rapidly.
”Where are your parents, by the way, or how come you're here alone?” he then asked me.
“They just want to relax a bit from the stress just before the holidays. They flew to Spain and are spending a few weeks there on vacation, so I have the house to myself. And I'm quite happy about that."
Suddenly I hear a strange noise, which turns out to be a huge growl from my stomach.
He was visibly embarrassed and blushed, looking shamefacedly at the ground.
“Are you hungry? Shall we go down to the kitchen and find something to eat?”
"Gladly, sorry for my growl, but I haven't eaten all day.”
“What you haven't eaten all day, well then quickly down to the kitchen before you collapse on me.“
”Sorry, I'm really embarrassed.“
”Oh don't worry about it, I got hungry too."
So we march downstairs to the kitchen and raid the fridge.
While eating, the chatter continues.
“How come your family came to Germany? And if Germany, why right out in the sticks?“
”My father is a hotel manager and as you probably know, the new Robinson Club was opened near here and my father has been hired as the manager of one of the restaurants. And when the father goes, everyone has to follow him.”
“That's right, it was built here and they make a lot of money from it.
Why didn't you and your brother stay in the US to finish school? Surely it's easier than changing schools again just before graduation?“
”My father doesn't think so. He's a stickler for tradition and wants to exert his full influence over us while we're still minors, and we have to follow suit.”
Suddenly, a downpour begins outside, so that it just bursts against the window panes. The day has already turned into night, so all you can see is the rain on the window panes.
Mark looks at his watch and suddenly flinches.
"Shit, it's already 10:00 p.m. I have to get home as soon as possible.”
“Really, it's already 10:00 p.m. But quickly forget that I'll let you out in this weather. You call home now and say that you're staying at a friend's house tonight. No objection. In this lousy weather, you'll arrive home completely soaked and with pneumonia, and nobody wants that responsibility. So you're staying here.”
Mark wants to say something, but I interrupt him.
“No argument, you're staying.”
Mark doesn't say a word and just sits there silently.
“Okay, now here's the phone, and you're going to call your parents.”
I listen to him on the side and when he's hung up, we decide to clear the table and put the dishes in the dishwasher.
Of course, it doesn't take forever, so we go upstairs right after that, back to my realm.
“Go on in, I'll just go to the bathroom quickly.”
In short, quickly done. I go to the little king tiger and Mark goes to my room. Shortly after I'm done, I return, but what do I see. Mark has fallen asleep again. I can't stop smiling at that moment. He looks so helpless and beautiful. This time he is lying on my bed, all curled up, breathing calmly and rhythmically in and out. A slight smile is on his lips. As peaceful as an angel.
He looks good enough to eat. I would have loved to lie down next to him and snuggle up to him. But I manage to resist.
But this time I won't wake him up. He told me earlier what he is going through at the moment and that he is under a lot of stress, so I can fully understand his exhaustion. Instead, I take a blanket and cover his sweet body.
Nevertheless, I don't lie down next to him, but take another blanket and lie down on the couch. Outside, the wind whips the rain against the windows and the streetlamps flicker. They are the only thing that still provides light in the room. An eerie yet beautiful atmosphere.
I go over the day and its events in my head. First, of course, the first encounter with Mark, then the first conversation, where he and I were still quite shy and only Dirk directed the conversation. Then, of course, the moment when Mr. Kleinert asked me if I could help Mark, which I was of course happy to do, and finally the evening at my place.
Of course, I was embarrassed that I had to open it with a bath towel around my hips. Then when he fell asleep and I had to wake him up. His stomach rumbling, the food and, of course, the conversation.
It only now occurs to me that I actually only squeezed him out the whole evening and he hardly had a chance to ask me anything.
Although neither of us was really the reason for our meeting, we were supposed to be doing something for school, but that was sidelined, which I don't necessarily regret.
For the first time, a person has turned my head so much that I can't stop thinking about him. I can't get him out of my head.
But what are the thoughts. I don't even know if he can feel anything like I do for a man. The chance is almost zero. But he just won't go out of my head.
As confused as I am, I fall asleep.
Even in my dreams, I don't want to let him go. I see us lying on the beach, arm in arm. The sun is setting. His warm skin rests on my body. Small lightning strikes our bodies. I feel his mouth on mine, slowly our lips open and our tongues penetrate into the other mouth. They play with each other gently and yet demanding. His lips move down, first my chest, which he considers with gentle kisses, then further down to my belly button, which he brings to vibrate with his tongue and finally even deeper up to...
“NO, NO, stop, please stop, I'll never do it again. Please stop. No. Please, it hurts, please stop..."
I am suddenly woken from my sweet dreams.
I hear loud shouting. It's coming from Mark's direction. I jump up. I run to his bed and see him tossing and turning in bed and shouting.
I am worried about him, very worried. I try to wake him up, but it doesn't work.
He lashes out at me every time I try to wake him up, and I get hit in the eye. But at the moment I couldn't care less.
"NO, NO, stop it, please stop, it hurts. No, I don't want that, it hurts, it hurts.”
I feel queasy and helpless like a child and don't know what to do.
"Stop it, stop it, it hurts so much, no, I don't want this, no. Please stop. Stop it! No! It hurts so much!”
It is only when I shake him roughly and slap him (which probably hurt me the most, I abhor violence, but at that moment I didn't know what else to do) that Mark wakes up, drenched in sweat and breathing heavily.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Mark stares at me in horror and doesn't move. He sits there as if frozen.
“Mark, it's okay, it's just a dream.”
Mark clings to me, the color has drained from his face, he looks at me pale with empty, staring eyes.
There are large beads of sweat on his forehead and his skin feels icy cold, as if he is currently absorbing the entire cold of the North Pole.
Tears begin to collect in his eyes and suddenly thick tears roll down his cheeks. He presses his head against my shoulder and just says,
"Please hold me, just hold me tight, please.”
Mark is shaking all over and his fingernails are digging into my back. He cries and cries and finally falls back to sleep, still clinging to me.
I don't let go of him, as I was commanded, I stay seated the whole time and hold him tight.
I would rather hold him under different circumstances and for a different reason, but I am there for him and just hold him. He begins to breathe slowly and rhythmically. Mark stops trembling and his skin regains warmth and color.
But I don't let go, as I am commanded.
What had he dreamt that had so agitated him?
What frightened him so much? Did I do something to scare him? Or did something else happen?
What hurt him so much? Or was it all just a dream?
Was it just my imagination or was it real after all?
I worry the whole time that follows and don't close an eye.
I hold Mark in my arms, who is sleeping peacefully again. The rain has stopped outside and the clock shows 2:00 a.m. But I don't move an inch and just hold him tight. The clock advances to 3:00 a.m., then 3:30 a.m., 4:00 a.m., and finally I fall asleep too.