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We've had a new kid in class for a week now. He's so cool. I would have been scared to death. Everything's new, no one you know and all that. But David, that's his name, has remained calm and collected. He looks pretty cool himself... jet-black hair falling into his eyes in a manga-like fashion, black corduroy trousers, black shirt with holes at the elbows, spiked collar, Doc's and black leather coat.
He even has black eye makeup. The boys in my class naturally made fun of him at first, calling him a fag, etc., but the girls are totally smitten with him. He sits next to me, well almost, there's a free seat between us. Great, he's already a legend, so many rumors are circulating about him. He's supposed to be seventeen already, a year older than me, which would mean that he's repeating the class.
But David looks at least two years younger. He is said to have been expelled from school for beating up a teacher and screwing a trainee teacher. He is also said to deal drugs and be in some kind of cult. Someone even claimed that he hangs around in cemeteries at night and sucks the blood of girls there.
Personally, I think that's nonsense.
I'm not the subject of any rumors. I'm a hopelessly sweet, nice, well-behaved nerd. If a girl ever talks to me, it's only to copy down homework and the boys... well, I'm just glad they don't beat me up. I'm probably too inconspicuous for that myself. I'm usually ignored – especially by the self-proclaimed cool kids in the class.
But unfortunately they're not really cool. They just wear baggy trousers, belts, undershirt-like shirts and listen to Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit and stuff like that. Of course, they're always hanging around at the great parties on the weekends, to which I'm never invited, drinking and smoking pot and hitting on women. I've never taken drugs or drunk alcohol, well, and I haven't even kissed a girl yet. I'm almost sixteen and not particularly ugly. I don't have greasy hair, no spots or acne, I don't wear glasses, I don't have bad breath or smell under my arms, I'm pretty slim and there are quite a few guys at school who, objectively speaking, look a lot worse than me, but... they've got a girlfriend. My mom always says I'm just a late bloomer and I shouldn't worry about it. What do mothers know? Of course I worry. My problem is simply that I'm shy and unspectacular. A while back, I dyed my hair because I thought it might make me a tiny bit daring... what can I say, it went wrong. I don't know what the problem was, but I probably just got the wrong package. Anyway, my hair is kind of a rusty color right now. Rusty with light and dark shades. On someone cool, it would probably look pretty good, but on me it looks like an accident or a blind hairdresser. To polish up my image, I even wore sunglasses all the time for a while. I thought it would make me look mysterious. Didn't work either. If you wear sunglasses in the rain and snow, people quickly label you a complete idiot.
David also wears sunglasses... but of course, he looks good in them and nobody laughs. By the way, I live with my parents and my twenty-three-year-old sister Beate in a rather ostentatious house. You see, my parents are filthy rich. Ok, that's a slight exaggeration, but anyway, I don't have to worry about money. Dad is a lawyer, Mom is a doctor and they are already fighting about what career I should pursue. Personally, I don't want either. I want to be a musician; I even play a little guitar and piano.
Mom insisted on the latter, my sister was forced to take violin lessons. At Christmas, we always have to play stupid Christmas songs for all our relatives and friends, and Mom and Dad are very proud of their well-behaved children. It makes me sick. When I was younger, I always imagined belonging to a totally messed-up clique. Guys who only drink and take bad drugs, but people like that wouldn't give me the time of day. And yet, when it comes to drugs, I'm at the source.
I'll be honest... my life is hell. Seriously, everything is going in a straight line, there's not a bit of excitement or adventure. Just homework, piano lessons, dinner and off to bed. I'm a fucking couch potato, and that really gets on my nerves. Well, that's why I've decided to make friends with David at all costs. I don't know yet how I'm going to do it, but I'm sure I'll think of something.
I'm in love with Sandra. She sits across from me, has shoulder-length red curls and very cute freckles on her nose. Green eyes, usually wears very tight tops and has an amazing bust. Unfortunately, she doesn't give a shit about me, because she's like the most popular girl in the whole school.
Everyone is after her and she? She's had her eyes on David for a week now. She constantly gazes at him, hangs around him during breaks, grins and giggles and flirts with him. He reacts to her advances - as expected - coolly. If he wants her, he won't let it show. Man, if she would just smile at me just once. But she's not into nice, sweet geeks. I've known Sandra since elementary school. We were friends back then, but since we started high school, she doesn't treat me like air, but there's not much friendship left. She just wants to copy my homework. Because I love her, I don't tell her that it would be better for her if she used her brain sometimes. Why should she do that? She looks good. That's enough, right?
David seems to be pretty clever, and what he says in class always makes sense, so tutoring to get to him is out of the question. But if I manage to win him over as a friend, I might be able to get close to Sandra. I would like to have a conversation with him, because I haven't said a word to him yet. But I don't know what to say. I'm not the type to just casually approach other people.
“Hey, are you Tobias?”
I look up from my lunch, see David pushing his sunglasses down a bit, and nod. One hand is in his coat pocket, the other holding a cigarette nonchalantly.
"Cool hair color...did you do it yourself?”
“Huh?“ I act pretty stupid.
”Anyway, Sandra said you're some kind of math genius here, or actually she said you're a nerd, but that sounds so...so ugly. So, what's up, can you help me a little?"
I'm a bit slow on the uptake right now. What does David want from me? Math? Help?
“Hello...huhu, can't you speak or didn't you understand my question?“ He seems very impatient.
”Uh...yes. Help with math...yes, sure.“
That's it. David will never become my friend. Not after my weak-minded stammering.
”Great, can I come to you? Say this afternoon?”
“Ahem, yes sure. What time?“
”Around three. Can you give me your address?“
”Matthias-Claudius-Straße 17.“
”Ok, see you. If Lorenz asks...I got sick.” He winks at me, throws away his butt and leaves.
It's crazy, he's just skipping the last two hours. Cool. I've never dared to skip class.
When I get home, I put a pizza in the oven and am really excited. I finally have the unique chance to get to know David better. When the others realize that he's hanging out with me, they'll definitely change their opinion of me. Oh shit, I can't let someone like that into my room. It's way too clean and tidy, Mom always pays a lot of attention to that. She has an absolute obsession with order. So I rush up the stairs and make a little mess. The dark blue velvet blanket spread over the couch is rumpled, and so is the bed. I rip a few of my books off the shelf and put them on the floor, along with some magazines, a pack of chocolate marshmallows and a couple of items of clothing. That'll have to do. Mom would have a fit anyway.
At a quarter to three, I light a vanilla incense stick, pace up and down and wait. At a quarter past three, I am firmly convinced that David doesn't feel like doing math. At half past three, the doorbell rings. I run downstairs, open the door and he is actually there.
"Hi, I'm a little late.”
“Come in.“
In my room, he throws his coat on the floor and looks around curiously. He reaches for the chocolate marshmallows, flops down on the couch and starts eating.
”Man, you're tidy. You should see my room.”
“Shall we get started then?“ I ask, grab my math book and sit down at my desk.
”What? With what?” David replies. ‘Oh, yes. Well, you know, I don't really need tutoring. That was just an excuse.’
I'm confused. ”What kind of excuse? Why?”
David bites into a chocolate marshmallow. “Well, I just didn't know any better way to get close to you. You're so standoffish at school... you can give me frostbite with that look of yours.”
I no longer understand the world. Standoffish? Me? Why does he want to get to know me? I'm an uncool nerd.
“Do you like von Stuckrad-Barre?” He points to the books on the floor in front of him.
“Uh, yes. He writes quite humorously.“ I turn around nervously on my desk chair.
”What else do you read?“
”Uh, no idea,“ I reply helplessly.
”What about music?“
”Hm?” I just make and shrug.
“Do you always talk so much?“ ‘Look, I want to be friends with you, in case you haven't noticed yet, and...you can make it a little easier for me.’
”Why?“
He grins. ‘I don't like to strain myself. It gives me a headache.’
”No, I mean, why do you want to be my friend? Nobody really wants that.”
“Well, because I'm bored by all the bums at school. I've been watching you, you're always kind of standing apart, you're not loud, chav and stupid like the others. I realized from the start that you're way ahead of those idiots and consciously set yourself apart from them... I like that."
David obviously suffers from severe perceptual disorders.
“I'm a nerd.“
”So what. I kind of like you and... oh, shit, now I've eaten all your chocolate marshmallows.“ He holds the empty box in front of my nose.
”No problem.“ I take it from him and throw it in the trash.
”What else do you do?“
”What else?”
“Where do you go on the weekend?“
”I'm mostly at home,“ I reply honestly and immediately regret it.
”Oha, sounds exciting. Do you have a girlfriend?“
”Nope, and you?"
He lights a cigarette. ”Yeah, well, sort of. But I don't feel like talking about it now. You'd better tell me something about yourself.”
Oh God, what now? “What do you want to know?”
David lies down comfortably on the couch. “I don't know. Anything.”
“I'm an absolute bore, I'm sorry. I don't set myself apart from the others either... they don't want to have anything to do with a bore like me.”
“What makes you think that?”
"Well, just look at me.”
He scrutinizes me. “And?”
I shrug. “Tell me, is it true what they say about you?”
“That depends on what they say.”
"Well, that you beat up a teacher and that's why you had to change schools and then there's the thing with the teacher's aide and the cult and the cemetery and...”
David interrupts me with a fit of laughter. “Do I look like a thug? And what did I do to the teacher...kill her and bury her in the cemetery?”
"Nah, you were supposed to...well, you know.”
“Oh, shit, who says that? No, it was all very different.“
”How so?“
”I...uh, well, I just stayed back. Had a lot of stress and no nerve at school. Disappointed?“
”Why should I be?”
“I don't know, maybe you thought I was a little criminal and thought it was exciting... since your life is so boring. How did you get your hair to look so cool, anyway?“
I don't dare tell him that it was an accident, or rather, that it was my fault.
”I don't remember. You really like it?”
“Sure. What are you doing on Saturday?“
”Nothing.“
”There's a party at Sandra's... I thought you were coming too.“
”I wasn't invited.“
”Yes, you were.”
“Nah.“ I shake my head firmly.
”Come anyway. I don't feel like going alone.“
Awesome. Party at Sandra's, my secret dream woman. I'm getting all warm.
”I don't know. All right.“
”Okay, I gotta go. See you tomorrow.” David jumps up, grabs his coat and is gone.
I'm sitting in my room waiting for David, who wanted to come over. I haven't tidied up yet, even though Mom told me to. She should mind her own business; after all, I'll be turning sixteen in a few days.
By the way, David is now sitting next to me at school and often hangs around with me during the breaks. Sandra has already noticed that and looks at me differently somehow.
“Hey, hi Tobi.“ David comes in and immediately throws himself on my bed. ‘Do you have anything to eat?’
”Mh, pizza?“
”Doesn't matter, as long as it's a lot and hot.“
I go to the kitchen, take care of the pizza, grab a bottle of Pepsi Light and serve him both.
”Do you think I'm too fat?”
I look at him questioningly.
“I mean, about the Diet Coke.”
“Oh, no, but we don't have any other kind.”
He devours the pizza greedily. “So... have you thought about how you can get Sandra?” I turn bright red. “Huh? Get her how? What do you mean?”
“Hey, you're talking to me. You think I didn't notice that you're in love?“
”She doesn't want anything to do with me.“
”Did she say that?“
”No, but she hasn't asked me out either.“
”Well, you're going to have to make an effort. Have you ever heard of flirting and chatting someone up?”
“I can't do that. And even if I could, Sandra just wants my homework anyway.“
”Nonsense. Well, the party's tomorrow and that's a pretty good opportunity to go all out."
I feel sick. Go all out – me. When I've never even really kissed before. David obviously knows what's what. I think he just knows everything.
“Why don't you take your girlfriend with you, but me?“
”Peggy? She's doing something with her snipes, besides, things aren't going so well for her at the moment, and I wanted to give you the opportunity to get closer to your beloved.“
”Honestly, I don't know how to do that. Everyone is after her, why should she fall in love with me of all people?”
“If you keep glaring at her, you're definitely not going to get her. Man, try smiling.“ I grin horribly, which makes David laugh.
”That might impress Frankenstein's bride.” He raises an eyebrow. ”What are you going to wear?”
I point to the clothes I'm wearing – jeans and a sweater.
“I was afraid of that. Does your mother pick out your clothes or do you really like the ensemble?”
I think David's stuff is cool. Black jeans, tight black shirt with safety pins on it, dog collar.
“Well,” I say a little helplessly.
“I'm sorry, but this looks totally awful. Fortunately, I'm here now.“ He takes a look at my wardrobe and closes the door in horror. ‘I'll bring you something of mine tomorrow.’
”What?“
He throws himself back on the bed. ‘Oh, I don't know yet. Let it be a surprise.’
”Don't you have to go home soon? It's almost half past ten.”
“My father doesn't give a damn about where I am and when I come home. The main thing is that I don't bother him and my step monster while they're fucking.“
”What monster?“ I ask irritated.
”Step monster. My mother divorced and ran away, and my father then married this terrible woman. She's really the worst. I don't even know why she hates me so much. She's always telling my father that I steal her money, hit on her and stuff like that. Hey, the old hag is almost forty, has a crappy hairdo and is skinny as a rake. No tits and no ass. I'm definitely not into that and I certainly haven't stolen any of her money. Unfortunately, my father believes everything she says.”
“That's really devious,“ I nod.
”Indeed. That's also the reason why I have to repeat the class. Fucking cunt...excuse the expression...she drove me so far that I ran away and lived on the streets for almost a year. I slept in empty houses, with the drunks and stuff. It was pretty hard.”
“And why did you go back home?“ I ask, fascinated.
”Because I was cold.“
”If you ever don't know where to go, you can come to me,” I offer him bravely, not knowing what Mom and Dad will say.
“Really? That's cool of you. Thanks, I'll definitely take you up on that. I assume your parents always know where you are, right?“
”Yeah, but it's pretty annoying. They're always interfering and telling me what to do. Clean your room, dress properly, do your homework, go to piano lessons. It makes me sick.”
“At least they care about you and your future as a famous star pianist. My father doesn't care what happens to me. Damn, this topic is annoying."

2
Man, this Tobias is really a difficult case. He doesn't know anything. It's about time I gave him a hand. But with his parents it's no wonder that he's so uptight. When I saw them for the first time, I was immediately interrogated about what my parents do for a living, what I want to be when I grow up, how I am at school and what Tobias and I always do. Brrrr...creepy.
Somehow I immediately noticed Tobi, because he seems like an alien among all the school idiots, he's usually alone during the breaks and reads. I learned from Sandra, the class slut, that he's a boring nerd, but I wanted to form my own opinion. So I talked to him, visited him and so on. He lives in a pretty posh place, I'd like that too. He lives alone on the upper floor of the house with his sister. He has one room, she has two, and they share the bathroom.
I think he made his room a bit messy on purpose for me. It's kind of cute. Anyway, he really longs to be friends with me – that may sound arrogant and conceited, but I think that's just the way it is. He's probably noticed that Sandra's always hanging around with me... because he has a crush on her. Poor guy, head over heels in love with a girl who makes fun of him all the time. Maybe I should have told him that, but I didn't
have the heart to. All that's left for me to do is to polish him up a bit and hope that Sandra realizes what a great guy he is. Or he'll realize that Sandra is a real airhead. What does he want with such a stupid toad who believes that Benjamin is the singer of “Stuckradbarre”? I almost peed in my pants when she said that. But if he really wants her...
Dad and the step monster have taken a shot at me again – maybe I can sleep at Tobi's tonight, he's offered me that before.
First I'll see how the party goes.

Tobi is still in the bathroom trying on my clothes. I picked out something that's not quite so daring. Black corduroy pants, my favorite shirt with the crown-of-thorns Jesus, leather jacket. I'll have to help him with his hair; it can't possibly stay like that.
“You know, I don't think this suits me.” He comes into the room and tugs uneasily at my shirt.
“Nonsense, it looks good,” I reply, amazed because I'm really damn right. Tobias is generally more delicate than me and today I notice that he has a totally beautiful face. Big brown eyes, small nose and super healthy skin. Not that I have a pimply face... Yes, Tobi is really cute.
“Sit down,” I command, and he obeys immediately. I ruffle his hair a bit, apply some wax and hairspray, and I'm almost satisfied. ‘Look up.’ I smear black kohl around his eyes, apply mascara to his long, thick lashes...perfect.
“Sandra will fall for you in an instant, lock, stock and barrel,“ I grin. He looks unhappy.
”What's up?“
”This may sound stupid, but... what do I do if... well, if she really likes me?“
”You ask questions. Get laid, what else. Okay, jokes aside. What's your problem?”
“Uh... nothing, forget it.“
”Whatever you say, shall we go?"
He nods.
The party is already quite loud and crowded. Sandra's parents are not there, so the teenagers are wild. Tobi still doesn't look happy, but when he sees Sandra in her tight mini, his eyes start to shine.
Girls should be girls. Apparently Tobi also likes clattering frames. Well, at least Sandra has tits, which she has squeezed into a remarkably tight, very short top. Still, it doesn't really turn me on, but that's not what she's supposed to do. This is about Tobi.
She greets me with a kiss on the cheek and stares at me for a moment, at the Tobias I styled.
“Tobi? Man, I almost didn't recognize you. You look somehow so different. What on earth happened?“
”Nothing."
Oh dear, he doesn't know anything about flirting either.
Sandra snuggles up to me. ”Do you want a drink, David?”
“Sure. Do you have wine?"
She nods happily and hands me a bottle of cheap stuff. What the heck...as long as it gets you drunk quickly, the morons are hardly bearable sober. The music is also the worst. Linkin Park or some shit like that, I could puke and quickly gulp down the wine.
“Do you want something?” I ask Tobi, already knowing the answer. He's never had alcohol before. Another thing I have to teach him.
Sandra is really pushy and I can hardly get her away. Shit, she should take care of Tobi, he looks like he's about to burst into tears. I slip away discreetly and find a place from where I can see the two of them.
At first they stand frozen in front of each other, then they finally start talking. The wine is slowly taking effect, I'm getting pleasantly warm. Tobi really has a cute ass, and suddenly Sandra's hand is on it. Bull's eye, I'd say. Hopefully the little guy won't mess it up.
I feel a bit dizzy, so I close my eyes and fall asleep.
Until someone shakes me up. It's Tobias.
“What's going on?”
“We have to leave immediately,” he explains nervously.
“Why? Isn't everything going well with Sandra?”
“Let's go.”
"Sit down and have a drink.”
He shakes his head, but I pull him onto the couch. He smells of vanilla. Mmmhh... delicious. I reach for a new bottle of wine and put it to his mouth. He grimaces.
"It only tastes like shit at the first gulp, believe me. Come on, you didn't want to be a good boy anymore.”
This works, he drinks and after a few sips he is almost hammered. Unfortunately, I'm sober again. “So, what about Sandra?”
“She's like a different person,” he slurs. “Totally nice and... so... affectionate.”
“Well then you've achieved your goal. Congratulations. Why are you hanging around here with me then? This is a party. People are kissing and groping each other until they can't anymore.“
Before he can say anything, Sandra has sat down next to us and is cuddling up to Tobi, who doesn't even notice.
”I feel sick,” he complains.
Shit, it's probably all a bit too much at once. Party, alcohol and his dream woman, who is almost sitting on his lap and bouncing her tits up and down in front of his nose. Well, she can turn it on, you have to give her that.
“Put your head on my shoulder,” she purrs, looking at me.
Tobi resists, the idiot. “Nah, I gotta throw up.” Shit, he's not gonna throw up on the tits of his beloved, is he? “Would you excuse us for a moment?” I ask Sandra, pull Tobi off the couch and drag him into the bathroom. There he throws up extensively into the toilet. I almost feel sick myself.
When he's done, he washes his face with my help. “I hate alcohol. I want to go home.”
I pat him on the cheek. “All right.”
After I've put him safely in his bed, I decide to go to my own after all. I don't give a shit if the step monster is scheming. I'm not going to let that bitch drive me away.
When I come home, Peggy is sitting on the stairs. “Man, where have you been? I've been waiting for you for hours, you bum.”
“What do you want anyway? I thought tonight was snipe night,” I reply and take her to my room.
“I was bored and I missed you,“ she whispers in my ear. Somehow I don't feel like it right now, I want to sleep. ‘Why don't you go home?’
”I just told you, idiot.” Her arms wrap around me like tentacles, I push them away.
“Listen, Squidlet, I'm tired. You can sleep with me if you want, but not with me, okay?"
She gets annoyed and pouts at once, but then she lies down in bed and luckily leaves me alone.
I actually like Peggy quite a bit, but at the moment she gets on my nerves over every little thing. I don't know why. It's all getting to be too much for me.
We've been together for about two years... with countless interruptions because we're always fighting and then making up again. One of us is always jealous. Me, when she's hit on by guys, and her, because I'm constantly besieged by girls, she says. Oh man, if she knew the truth, if she knew what I've been doing behind her back in the last two years... she'd chop my head off. It's more likely that she wouldn't believe me.
The next day I pay Tobi a visit. He looks like shit, tired and sick.
“Well, how's the drunk?“ I greet him and sit down on the bed.
”I've already taken two paracetamol and I still have a headache,“ he groans.
”From that little wine? Man, we really have to work on that. Give me the chocolate kisses. What was that about Sandra?”
He rolls his eyes. “She asked me a thousand questions - about you. I'm afraid she's more interested in you than she is in me.”
“Nonsense. She just wants to make herself important. She wants to play, make you jealous and draw you out.” I just have to resort to that little white lie.
"Do you think so?”
“Of course. I know women. You just have to show her what's what. She wants to get laid.“
”That would be the next problem,“ he says quietly and begins to clench his hands. ‘I... I don't even know how to do that.’
”Well, it's not that hard. Make out, grope her and stick your dick in at some point.“
”Sounds very romantic.“
Oh, I forgot that he's in love with Sandra.
”The most important rule is...keep your cool. Girls like opaque, mysterious, daring guys. Let her struggle for a while and treat her like a piece of shit. That always works.”
“I'm a bore, remember? There's nothing mysterious about me. And besides, I like her, so how could I treat her badly? Listening to you, one might suspect that you're a woman-hater.“
”That's not true. I'm just telling you how I've experienced it.”
“Sandra is definitely not like that. It's not just about sex for me. I love her.“
”But you do want to be a virgin sometime, right?“ My saying this embarrasses him a lot, he turns red and nervous, which looks quite adorable.
”Chocolate marshmallow?” I ask, offering him one.
“No thanks. I don't want to get fat.“
”Well, you're miles away from that. What do you weigh, thirty kilos?“
”Then I'd probably be in hospital and being force-fed.”
“Well, I should also hold back,“ I say, throwing the pack on the floor and rubbing my belly. My figure really bugs me at the moment. I'm not fat, but I'm not nearly as thin and delicate as Tobi.
”Say, it's my birthday on Friday and I want to have a party on Saturday... do you think if I invite Sandra, she would come?”
“Ask her. Hey, what about me, or is it going to be a two-person party?“
”Nah, but you're invited anyway, and so is Peggy.“
”And I assume all the morons from Sandra's clique too.“
”If they know you're there, they'll definitely come.”
“Oh, that's the reason. It's not about me at all.“ I play the role of the deeply disappointed one.
”Yes, of course. I want you there, honestly,” he assures me.
Tobi is extremely sweet.
“All right, I was only kidding. Why don't you just have the party on Friday?“
He rolls his eyes. ‘Friday is family night. All my relatives are coming to visit me. Maybe you'd like to come over in the evening?’
”Will the relatives still be there?” I ask suspiciously, but he shakes his head with a smile.

3
Life is beautiful. That is, it could be beautiful. Since I showed up at Sandra's party with David, she has been totally attentive and friendly to me. I think she really likes me. At first I thought she wanted to get close to David through me, but he explained to me that it's a girl's way of making herself interesting. Anyway, she flirted with me heavily at the party and I messed it up because David poured this stupid wine down my throat and I got sick and had to throw up. I had a headache all day the next day. Can't understand what people see in alcohol. But it felt good not to be the good boy for a change. My first alcohol rush!
Oh God, but what am I going to do on Saturday when Sandra wants to kiss me or even more?
I don't know what to do. I'm totally nervous. When I asked Sandra at school today if she would come to my birthday party, she looked at me sweetly and
replied, “Of course, I'm looking forward to it.”
My heart almost skipped a beat. Then she kissed me on the cheek... awesome. David gave me the thumbs-up and grinned.
I have to ask him about kissing sometime, of course, in passing. I don't want him to think I don't know anything about it.
I've already told Mom and Dad that I'm throwing a party on Saturday and need the house to myself. At first they were dead against it, but after hours of begging they gave in. Now they're going out and I've got my peace. Of course, no one is allowed to drink alcohol and not that many people should come. I promised them all sorts and secretly flipped them off.
David wanted to give his clothes back today, but he shook his head and said I should keep them. Of course I'm happy to accept the offer, I like the clothes now. At first I felt a bit strange, but when I look in my wardrobe, I get the creeps. These kids' clothes are awful.

I'm sixteen. And I'm sitting at the coffee table with Mom, Dad, Beate, Grandma, Grandpa and various uncles and aunts. Boring to tears.
Fortunately, there were only gifts of money. I'll get a new wardrobe with that – I hope David doesn't mind going shopping with me. I'm hardly listening to what the relatives are saying to each other, I'm already totally excited about the party tomorrow. I'm curious to see what Sandra is wearing. But she'll look super cute even in a garbage bag. Will I kiss her? Will I be with her then? Oh man, my first girlfriend and such a dream girl that everyone loves.
"Tobias, didn't you hear me, boy?”
Aunt Adele nudges me. Crap, what did she say?
“Yes, yes,” I assure her, not knowing what the old battle-axe wants.
“But please play something nice.”
I have a terrible feeling. I think she wants me to give a little private piano concert. I might feel like it now. Well, just smile and let everything wash over me, then it will be over quickly.
So I sit down at the piano, run my fingers over the keys and, just like that, I elicit a delicate little melody from the instrument. Although you can't exactly speak of delicate when it comes to Beethoven. As I play my way into a frenzy, thrashing out the keys,
I see the horrified faces of my dear relatives. All right... something else. I decide on a boring, sugar-sweet Mozart piece. The relatives are delighted, applaud and congratulate my parents on their fabulous son. I feel sick to my stomach.
At nine, the ordeal is finally over. I lie relaxed on my bed and think of my dream woman, which makes me nervous again in a moment.
Shit, now I'm sixteen and I've never kissed a girl. What if Sandra notices (because of course I'll do everything wrong) and laughs at me? Or even worse... she's disgusted by me because I have bad breath or she's drooling or something. Unthinkable!
“Happy... Birthday... to you...“ David waves a wine bottle, grins and, in an extremely smoky voice that gives me goosebumps, interprets a version of Marilyn Monroe's birthday song for JFK. She would have liked that, I'm sure. I like it too.
”Happy birthday.“ He hands me a bag and sits down next to me.
”Sorry, there was no time to wrap it nicely.”
Curious, I look into the bag. There's something black in it, cold and hard. It's actually David's leather jacket that I was wearing on Saturday. I can't stand it in my head.
“You want to give it to me? That's...that's not possible.”
"The jacket looks much better on you than on me, besides, you liked it, didn't you?”
I nod enthusiastically.
David has opened the wine bottle in the meantime. “And now we toast.”
“Do we have to?” I ask, thinking anxiously of the last wine I drank... of the headache and the vomiting afterwards.
"Yes, but don't worry, I'll make sure you don't throw up again.” He pours the dark red drink into two glasses, hands me one of them and winks at me.
“Here's to you, Tobi.”
I sip carefully and it doesn't taste too bad. Very sweet and not bitter or disgusting at all. I take another sip and another and another, and then the glass is already empty. David pours more.
“But not so fast,“ he warns, reaching for the chocolate marshmallow pack.
The second glass is empty and I suddenly feel very dizzy and velvety and warm and soft, as if I were wrapped in cotton wool. Wow...boozing is fun.
”So...are you okay?” David asks, to which I nod vigorously.
I think now is the right time to bring up the kissing topic. “Say...do you like kissing?”
“Of course, don't you?”
“Yes, but...well, how do I know what a girl likes? I mean, does she like it one way or another?” Great, I couldn't have asked a more stupid question.
As expected, David grins. “You don't know anything about it, do you?”
I'm a little angry because David obviously doesn't trust me to do anything, but on the other hand, he's right.
“I don't want to make a fool of myself with Sandra, that's why I'm asking.”
"Okay, what exactly do you want to know?”
“I don't know, I don't know... ahem... everything?” I suggest, stammering foolishly.
I get a big sigh in response. ‘That's going to be difficult, I definitely need another drink and... so do you.’ He fills our glasses and quickly drinks his. I drink more slowly, after all I want to take in what he has to say.
“Well, actually there's not much to know. You put your lips on her mouth, slide your tongue in and that's it. The rest will follow.“
”And if I stick my tongue in too deep or our teeth touch or I have too much spit in my mouth?"
David starts laughing and I suddenly feel very stupid.
“That won't happen to you, believe me. Once you've started, you'll automatically know what she likes and do everything right.“
I must not look very convinced, because he sighs again, puts his glass down and moves a little closer.
”This is all too theoretical, it seems to me. Best I show you.”
I recoil in horror. “What? No... I mean, how... you can't. You can't...”
David rolls his eyes. “Do you want to know how or not?”
“Well, but...”
"Then stop being such a damn baby.”
Before I can say anything, he has sat down astride my lap. Whether that's absolutely necessary... I don't know.
“So,” he looks at me, “give me your hands.” He reaches for them and puts them on his hips. Phew, this does seem a bit strange.
“Moisten your lips and close your eyes.”
"Why?”
“You shouldn't ask questions, you should just do what I say. Come on."
So I lick my lips, close my eyes and wait, feeling quite queasy, for what is about to happen.
After a few seconds, I feel warm breath on my face at first, then a very soft mouth that gently rests on mine. My stomach tingles strangely, I ignore it and concentrate on my tongue, which is still paralyzed in my throat. Stick your tongue, it shoots through my head, so I open my mouth a tiny bit and let my tongue feel around a little until it touches David's.
Funny... it tastes like Schokokuss. There's something else... a small lump, quite smooth and hard... a tongue piercing? I hadn't noticed before that he had something like that. Cool.
I hear him breathing loudly, his hair tickling my face, his arms lying on my shoulders, his hands caressing my neck. Do I have to do something with my hands too? I have enough to do with my tongue, which is entwined with David's. Nevertheless, I slide my fingers under his ass, digging them into the fabric of his jeans. At some point, I decide that I've had enough instruction and push him away.
“I... I can't breathe anymore,” I say, out of breath.
David slides off my lap and takes a generous gulp of wine directly from the bottle.
“So...how was I?”
His face is quite red. “Not bad for a start. I think Sandra will be satisfied.”
“Is that all?” I ask a little disappointed. I thought I was absolutely great.
“What do you want me to say?“ You don't have to worry about kissing anymore, okay?”
He fishes for his cigarettes, drops the pack twice on the floor, and finally manages to light one.
“Something wrong? Did I do something wrong and you don't want to tell me?”
“What makes you think that?” he grumbles.
“You're acting so weird.” I suddenly have to giggle. ‘By the way, you taste like a chocolate KISS. Hahaha.’ Shit, what am I being so silly about? ”Say, do you think Sandra would mind if I kissed her on the breasts?”
“She'll be delighted. I have to go now.” He hastily jumps up, puts on his coat, which takes a long time because he can't find the one sleeve hole right away, and runs to the door. ‘See you tomorrow.’ Gone he is.
Man, he's acting really weird. I fall onto the bed and think. My first French kiss – from David. It's kind of weird kissing a guy. Whatever. I once read in a teen girl magazine that teen girls also teach each other how to kiss. I'm not a girl but I'm still a teenager. And after all, you have to know how to do it, what else can you do? Still, I'd rather keep this to myself, hopefully David will do the same.

Mom and Dad are gone. Chips and other snacks are everywhere, David has bought plenty of alcohol and other drinks, put on one of his CDs and people seem to be enjoying themselves. Sandra looks simply stunning – black velvet dress and high boots. She has put her hair up, with two strands framing her pretty face. In short, she is beautiful.
I love her.
The gift could have been a bit more original, an Amazon voucher. Well, the main thing is that she's there and smiling at me. She does that without ceasing. I could embrace the whole world. David lent me some clothes again... his shirt with the elbow holes. He looks insanely cool himself. Leather pants, fishnet shirt and black eye makeup, but Sandra only has eyes for me. I was a little afraid that she secretly has a crush on David and I already saw my hopes floating away when he showed up here.
Right now he's sitting at a distance and drinking something from his alcohol. Sandra and I feed each other peanut flips. I can feel that it will happen soon... we will kiss. I feel dizzy, she smells incredibly good. Some kind of subtle floral scent, it suits her perfectly, which I tell her. She smiles at me. Little brown dots sparkle in her green eyes. I start counting her freckles and poke her little nose.
“Tobi,” she whispers suddenly, taking my hand and putting it on her naked leg. “Kiss me.” So I do what I've learned. I moisten my lips, close my eyes and kiss her. I think she likes it because she doesn't want to stop.
Me neither...or? I try not to think about it, but just keep on kissing and kissing and am on cloud nine.
I don't notice anything else at the party, for me there is only kissing and being kissed.
Someone nudges me, it's David. “Listen, it's getting late, most people are gone and you should tear yourself away for five minutes and help me cart the booze corpses out. Your parents certainly don't want a vomit-filled living room.“
Shit, I don't feel like doing that right now, but I can't let him do it alone.
”Come back in a minute,” Sandra whispers and kisses me again.
“She loves me, David.“
”Yeah, yeah, I saw it.“
”And she likes the way I kiss.“
”Great, are you going to help me?"
I put my hand on his arm and look at him. ‘I only have you to thank for that.’ For a moment he seems very nervous, then he shakes his head. ‘It's okay,’ he mutters.
We put three drunk schoolmates outside and push them on their way home.
“We should also get rid of the alcohol,” says David, “if there's any left.”
There isn't much left, actually. Sandra has already started cleaning up a bit. I love her even more for that.
“You'll be fine without me. I'm off.“ David is already standing at the door in his coat.
”Thanks.“
”Uh, Tobi...see you tomorrow?"
I glance at Sandra, who I'm meeting up with. ‘Nah, I...I already have plans.’ Sandra smiles happily, David doesn't. ”I understand. See you sometime then.”
“We can talk on the phone,“ I call.
”Sure.“
”He was gone quickly. Does he have something?“ Sandra looks at me.
”I think he's having trouble with his girlfriend.“
”You'll get that too if you don't kiss me right away,“ she smiles.
”Of course I don't want to risk that."
After an endless smooch, she says goodbye.
When I finally get into bed, I'm still totally wound up. Sandra and I are together. I can't believe it. Yesterday I was a complete loser and today the most beautiful girl in the world belongs to me. Hopefully I'm not just dreaming all this.

4
I don't feel like going home yet, where I'd only be annoyed by the step-monster. I had actually thought I could crash at Tobi's, but he has other things on his mind at the moment. It seems the party was a complete success for him. The prince has his princess, didn't even have to kiss a frog and now they live happily ever after. Amen.
I sneak over to the old Jewish cemetery and sit down at a gravestone. Boo-hoo... how spooky. Oh well. At least there are no annoying cardboard heads here to disturb me. It's a good thing I brought the wine, it's pretty cold when you spend the night outside. Actually, I should pat myself on the back for managing to set up Tobi and Sandra.
If he only knew how I raved about him to Sandra and what a pain it was to convince her that he's not a boring bookworm but pretty cool and that she should give him a chance, etc. I guess I was pretty convincing, the way they were smooching. I was afraid they would eat each other up. Considering that Tobi had no idea until yesterday. Either he lied to me or he's a natural. But yesterday was also a crazy idea. There I hear myself saying that I have to show him how it's done and...swish...I'm already sitting on his lap.
Man, he looked at me sheepishly. Thank God he didn't realize how hot I was for him.
At first I really thought I just wanted to help him, but when he licked his lips... it was so hot, like he had learned it in a special workshop. Well, and then the kiss... I almost saw stars and still thought I was only doing it all for him. Damn, I should have known. Tobi is exactly the type I like. Tender, delicate, shy and absolutely straight. And what do I do, idiot that I am? I have to pull off this smooching act with him, of course I couldn't help it, and now I'm stuck with it. Head over heels in love and no chance of a happy ending. Am I a goddamn masochist, maybe?
He has found the woman of his dreams in me and I have to sit here in the cold and get drunk. Well done, David. But what else could I have done? Tell him, “Hey, I fell for you because sometimes I'm just into guys. Can I please please screw you now?”
He would probably have crossed himself and sprinkled me with holy water. Now it's too late anyway, I've got Sandra so vaccinated that she won't let him out of her claws... just like Peggy has me firmly in her tentacles. I like her and when I sleep with her it's often quite nice and pleasant, but with a boy it's just much better. At least I don't have to imagine lying in bed with a guy.
With Peggy, things only really work out when I imagine a cute boy and what you can do with him. It may not be very nice, but she doesn't know about it, so it doesn't hurt her. The question is why I'm still with Peggy at all? Most of the time she's really annoying and I'm annoyed because I actually want something completely different. Such a damn mess. I should break up with her and...then? Tobi will surely not suddenly discover that he likes guys and sink into my arms. No, he sinks into Sandra's arms. He said he'd call me tomorrow, but I'd rather not wait for it. As out of it as he is, he's already crossed me off completely. Of course he's got a date with Sandra and doesn't have time for me. What did I expect?
That he would still deal with me now that he has what he wanted? I know exactly how it works. First he'll stand me up a few times, for which he'll apologize at first, then he won't even go out with me anymore, then he won't talk to me at all, and pretty soon I'll be nothing more than another face in the schoolyard to him.
Shit, I'm pretty drunk, so I'd better go home. Dad and the step-monster will probably be asleep, so I'm sure I'll get some peace and quiet.

Oh my God! Tobias actually called me. Unfortunately, he only talked about his new girlfriend the whole time. I thought I'd burst.
Oh, how sweet she is and how soft her lips are and the cute freckles and the dimple and the brown flecks in her green eyes. It makes me want to throw up. No wonder I'm becoming a misogynist. If Peggy shows up today, I'll shoot her... just because she has tits.
Man, I really didn't think that Sandra would go so crazy for Tobi, it's starting to get creepy. Especially since she's made it more than clear to me more than once that she likes me. Not that I want the stupid toad... I sincerely hope she's not just messing with Tobi. You never know with girls. He wouldn't survive it and neither would she, because I would kill her.

I can't stand it in my head. The two lovebirds have been hanging out for two weeks now and I only get to see Tobi at school at most. It's getting on my nerves. Except for an afternoon shopping together, we haven't done anything together because he always has to hold hands with his girlfriend. Well, at least he now has decent clothes thanks to me. When he came out of the changing room, wearing patent leather trousers and a tight shirt... man, I really went crazy. Nevertheless, I feel extremely dumped. I tell Tobi that when he wants to cancel our date again by phone.
"Yes, I'm sorry too, but...”
“I don't want any stupid excuses, I want to meet you,“ I interrupt him angrily.
”How about tomorrow? Today I have an appointment with Sandra. We're meeting in front of the movie theater later.“
”Oh, and tomorrow she's not available, right?”
“What's the point of that now? You're upset because I don't have time and if I want to meet you, it's not right for you either.“
”Don't forget that I made sure you got your princess.”
“Just because you showed me how to kiss? Aren't we being a bit presumptuous?“ I'd like to tell him how it really happened, but I manage to control myself at the last second.
”All right, see you tomorrow... if you don't change your mind again.”

Hey, it really worked. I'm meeting Tobi in half an hour and he hasn't canceled yet. We're going out tonight, to SPIRIT. I haven't been there in ages and Tobi, well, I assume he's never been there. So it's high time he got to know it.
When I'm standing in front of the door and he opens it, I'm left speechless. Tobi is wearing shiny pants and a knitted sweater that shows more than it covers; with a belt with silver chains that accentuates his narrow hips. Ooooohhhh...I think I'm going to faint! I remember telling him to dress nicely...not a word about showing up as a damn fuck piece.
“I'm glad you're here, I really need your help."
He pulls me into his room and holds a kohl pencil under my nose. My hands are shaking so much that we're both afraid I might poke out his eyes. But then everything goes well.
“Can I go like this?” he asks, stroking his belly. You can go to bed with me right now, I think, and nod. Now just don't be stupid! ‘Well, can we go?’
He hesitates a bit. ”Ahem, we're still waiting for someone.”
Oh no! Please let this be a joke. Please don't let him mean Sandra.
“Who?”
“Sandra. Well, you don't mind, do you? She really wanted to come to SPIRIT.”
I don't get a chance to protest because the doorbell rings and he rushes downstairs like a madman. I told you, I should have been a girl.
Well, the evening was super great. Tobi and Sandra giggled and smooched the whole time, and I was completely ignored. Normally I like going to Spirit, the music is good, the people are nice, the guys are super cute... but a teenage couple newly in love can really ruin it for you. Needless to say, I wanted to sleep with Tobi, but I didn't dare ask.
Sandra is slowly turning into a plague, a stinking ulcer. Man, and it's my fault. If I hadn't screwed up so badly, she would still be biting on my horse teeth instead of eating Tobi.
Now I'm just at home and lying in bed next to Peggy... when suddenly I get a brilliantly nasty idea.
“Hey Squidlet, do you have plans tomorrow?“
”No, why?“
”I want to ask you a favor."
And because this favor is of the utmost importance, I sleep with her. I imagine Tobi half-naked, which makes things a lot more pleasant.