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Sport. The worst 1.5 hours of the week. It wasn't easy for Keenan to keep a straight face. Fortunately, they were playing badminton. You couldn't get into too much contact with the others.
He occupied himself with astrology during the lesson. He tried to see constellations in his mind and to categorize the little shuttlecock that came down on him with force into a certain picture.
This way he could use the time to prepare for work and still not miss any classes.
A curse, such a boys' boarding school. Most of them didn't think it was necessary to sweat T-shirts full. They just took them off without further ado.
Besides, most of them were athletes. Not a bad sight, then. But it didn't matter. It didn't matter at all. His eyes were only on one particular person. If Kai hadn't taken part in the physical education class, hadn't taken off his shirt like everyone else, it wouldn't have been a problem.
But as it was...
Nobody was allowed to know, nobody.
He would have been thrown out of school, he wouldn't have been able to learn so much so quickly and wouldn't have been able to impress with his degree at any university.
But that didn't matter. They would have told his parents, his family.
And they would have banished him.
So he concentrated, only the ball and the constellations counted, plus the hurdy-gurdy voice of their teacher, and nobody could notice anything.
He survived the lessons.
But he wouldn't survive the work. Somehow all the stars were called Kai. He had to swap places with another boy. So that he sat with his back to Kai. So that he couldn't see him.
The horror began when he entered the showers. He had deliberately discussed with the teacher how the next unit could be designed. In the end, out of pure desperation, he had even questioned the chemical composition of the floor covering.
All just to get into the shower later than the others. To be able to shower when everyone else had already left the locker room, laughing happily, heading for their lunch break.
He had no friends waiting for him.
He had cut off all contact. Out of fear, pure fear that someone might notice. He only talked to Hannes sometimes. A friendship of convenience. No real interest.
His life sucked. There was no ray of hope, except for his little sister Kylie, who was just too small to understand the wickedness of the world.
He didn't have the strength to commit suicide, though he had toyed with the idea many times.
He just didn't want to. Everyone who tried to dissuade their friends was right: it wasn't worth it. Why throw away a life that you could live to the fullest?
And yet, at that moment, he would have wished for nothing more than to be dead. His class was standing in front of him, laughing, soaking wet. A soap fight.
He wanted to turn around and leave the shower, when he was already grabbed by the hand and pulled into the tumult.
At first he wanted to resist, then he thought better of it and just went along with it. He beat in the opposite direction to where Kai was, taking care not to brush against him with his gaze. Not brushing against anyone with his gaze anyway.
In vain. Many boys had lost their towels, only a few were wearing swimming trunks in the shower.
And his body reacted. He tried desperately to recall the constellation in his head.
There, where the tap came out of the wall on the left, there was the quay... no, the planet had had a different name.
Damn.
Finally, deliverance came. The gym teacher stood in the doorway. His roar drowned out the noise of the soap battle and silenced it.
Everyone stared at him.
“Boys, don't get too wild. Another class is about to come in here. Come on, get out of there. Get dressed!”
Grumbling, they obeyed his command.
He tried desperately to hold on to his towel, which was just making its natural physical way down.
The constellation, damn it, he had to think of the constellation.
He tried to push himself up with one hand. However, he had forgotten that it was still covered in soap and slipped away.
He briefly blacked out.
He heard the other boys in the locker room in the background. How could you make such a noise when changing?
Then a voice penetrated to him: “Hey, are you ok?”
He opened his eyes and looked into the face of his nightmare. Or was it his dream?
Alone with Kai in a shower. Almost naked. Naked.
He had to suppress the impulse to stroke Kai's cheek.
You couldn't let anyone know, no one could.
“Yeah, I'm fine. I just slipped.”
Kai offered him his hand and he took it, letting himself be pulled up.
He walked quickly towards the changing room. Kai behind him. He could feel the gaze on his back and had to pull himself together not to gasp and release the held air from his lungs.
How had he got into his clothes? Like in the classroom? What class were they having?
He needed a moment to get his bearings. Then he recognized the teacher and the subject. English. That's why he hadn't paid attention. His best subject.
But why were they all looking at him so expectantly?
“Keenan?”
“Yes, ma'am?”
“Keenan, you will work on your Magna Carta presentation with Kai.”
“No. I can't do that.”
Had he been too loud? Everyone was staring at him. Even Kai. And especially his teacher.
“Do you have a problem with each other?”
“No, no. Just... can't I work with Hannes?”
“Hannes handed in his last week. I'm sorry, you'll have to make do with Kai. You two are the last ones.”
“And if we work individually...”
“Stop. Let's talk English.
“Madame…”
“No. You have to do your work with Kai. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, Madame…”
The weather was glorious, but he didn't notice. They must think he hated Kai. Kai must think he hated him...
He headed for his bike. Away, just quickly away.
“Keenan!”
Damn! He turned around. His breath caught in his throat. Kai came running up to him, out of breath, stuffing his tie into his jacket pocket and unbuttoning his shirt.
“What happened just now?”
“Why?”
“Do you have something against me?”
“No...”
“Then why did you resist working together so much?”
“I just thought that Hannes might, well, a woman... So...”
He could have hit him. He had to stop stammering, he wasn't supposed to notice anything.
Kai looked at him inquiringly, he looked back. Couldn't break the gaze. Lost in the eyes.
“Will I see you this afternoon?”
The words had slipped out without him being able to stop them. And yet... somehow he was glad he'd asked.
“Why?”
“Well, the presentation... maybe...”
“Oh, right. Can I come to your place?”
“Sure.”
His heart was beating in his throat.
His mother looked up in astonishment as Keenan ran past her with the vacuum cleaner into his room.
“Keenan?”
“No time, Mom. First friendly contacts in class.”
He had made it clear to his parents at some point that he didn't like the class. And they had resigned themselves to it. Nevertheless, he knew very well that they both wanted nothing more than a junior who was overly socially integrated into the school fabric.
And then there was the matter of the grandchildren...
When Kai rang his doorbell, Keenan had already survived quite a few sweat attacks. Every hour on the hour, he had asked himself again whether he had made a mistake. Was this really the time he had arranged to meet? Or maybe another? Had he given the right address? Not maybe made a mistake in the house number.
And then the liberating doorbell. He ran down the stairs and was amazed to find that he was adopting his sister's habit of glancing in the mirror to check his appearance. He forced himself to appear calm.
Not easy when the butterflies in your stomach were desperately fighting not to be pushed out by the ever-arriving fellow travelers.
He took another deep breath and opened the door. As expected, Kai looked outrageously good.
And it turned out that he also knew a damn good deal about the Magna Carta. So the presentation was basically his.
He set about explaining it to Keenan with the patience of a saint. When Keenan once again gave the wrong answer with a blank look, Kai gave him a little nudge and ruffled his hair.
He froze immediately. Kai seemed to sense the change in atmosphere.
Although he knew how stupid it was, Keenan jumped up and ran out of the room with a mumbled “sorry”.
Kai wondered in horror what he could have done wrong.
Carefully, he followed Keenan and gently knocked on the bathroom door.
“Keenan?”
Damn, damn, damn. All the helping hands had flown away. His parents had come to the conclusion at some point that Keenan would definitely bring a female guest home. Why else would he clean up his room?
And they didn't want to disturb this female guest, so they grabbed Kylie and visited the amusement park for the fifth time in a week.
If someone had been there, he would have sent the worried Kai to his room and taken care of Keenan. And with a simple excuse, everything would have been over. But with Kai... he couldn't lie to him. And since he realized that, he was afraid that he would ask the wrong questions.
He heard Kai gently knock on the door and had to pull himself together to avoid creating the illusion in front of his eyes that those fingers were caressing him, touching him.
He leaned against the window, his forehead against the cool glass.
Had he locked it? No, damn it, he had left the door open. He had to lock it... But it was too late, Kai was already opening it and coming cautiously towards him.
“Are you okay?”
His voice sounded genuinely concerned.
He took another step and put his hand on Keenan's neck, who, caught completely off guard by this reaction, winced violently.
“What's the matter?”
“Go.”
“What?”
“Go, please!”
“Why, what's going on?”
He put his second hand on his back. Now Keenan couldn't suppress a muffled groan.
“Are you in pain?”
“No... Yes...”
“Which is it?”
“No, not on the outside. On the inside.”
“Lovesick?”
Keenan clenched his lips.
“Hey, we'll fix that.”
Keenan couldn't suppress a bitter laugh. Kai seemed to take that as approval.
“Maybe you just need to relax. Do a little wellness, take time for yourself. Wait...”
Keenan heard the small stool on which Kylie always brushed her teeth being pulled out from under the sink.
Then Kai pulled him back by the shoulders and sat him on it.
“Take off your shirt.”
“What?”
“Your shirt. I once did an internship with a masseur, this will definitely relax you.”
Keenan didn't dare to contradict him.
He tried again to imagine the constellation.
In vain.
The feeling of Kai's hands on his shoulders was stronger, much stronger.
And as feared, his body began to react to it.
Keenan became restless.
“Stop, Kai.”
Immediately, the hands stopped.
“Are you okay?”
“Would you like to step outside?”
The cold shower was his only chance. But he hadn't thought about how it would affect Kai.
“Out? Why out?”
Keenan quickly got up and went back to the window.
“Oh, it doesn't matter. It was just a thought.”
“Keenan... stop messing around. What's wrong with you?”
Keenan forgot his little problem, turned around with another violent jolt and tried to flee the bathroom.
However, he had underestimated how far Kai had followed him.
Now they were standing in front of each other. Very close. They only had to stretch out their hands to touch each other.
Kai moved a tiny little bit closer and Keenan felt his leg brush against the center of his body.
He gritted his teeth, suppressing a groan.
Kai looked at him.
There was understanding in his eyes.
They didn't move.
Keenan's eyes wandered over the beloved face that was now so close to his. First he looked into his eyes for a long time, then at the neck, the temple. Then his gaze wandered to the mouth and lingered.
Kai had followed the gaze devoutly, obviously not in control of the situation. But not averse either.
Nevertheless, his voice sounded dismissive when he spoke: “Keenan?”
He turned his head abruptly, as if awakened from a trance, and tried to act normally.
“Sorry. What did you say?”
Silence. Again the look into the eyes, then at the mouth. A tearing away, a returning.
A look into the eyes.
A gentle hand stroking the hair from his forehead. Freezing.
Then a slight nod, a hand caressing the back of his neck.
A cautious approach, a gentle touch of the lips.
Keenan recoiled. This couldn't be what Kai wanted.
“Sorry, for a moment it looked like you...”
Kai gently put a finger on his lips and traced the lines with it.
“Shh... it wasn't just an appearance.”
He leaned forward and kissed him. Again gently, then more demanding.
A dark groan escaped Keenan, he clawed his hands stormily into Kai's neck.
Kai froze.
Keenan immediately withdrew.
“Excuse me, I...”
“I... maybe I'd better go now.”
Keenan tried to hide his disappointment.
“Sure. I'll show you to the door.”
He tried not to show his disappointment and his anger at himself.
He took Kai to the door, almost slammed it in his face, and then slid down on the inside like the tears on his cheeks.
He went upstairs, turned up the stereo. The bands that usually distracted him so well when he didn't want to think had no effect.
He spontaneously got one of his father's Bach CDs.
The tears came and wouldn't go away. He sat on his bed.
Then he vaguely noticed the jacket hanging over the back of his chair. A black coat. Kai's black coat.
A few steps, then he held the fabric in his hands.
He buried his face in it.
He almost didn't hear the doorbell.
His parents weren't supposed to notice anything; he had worked on that for years.
And yet, at that moment, he was unable to wash his face and hands and put on a happy face.
All the grief of the last few weeks could no longer be suppressed.
He walked down the steps, unaware that he was still clutching the coat tightly.
He opened the door, turned around immediately and went upstairs, just a short “nice that you're back.”
He didn't have to provoke another one of those idiotic family councils.
He went up the stairs, almost tripping over the coat several times.
He didn't notice that the door was quietly closed, quite unlike his family's habits.
He didn't hear the quiet steps that followed him hesitantly either. He threw himself on his bed, burying his head in his coat. The music continued, an endlessly sad piece began.
A sob shook his body.
The hesitant footsteps approached his bed, and he jumped violently when a hand touched his shoulder.
“Keenan...”
It wasn't his mother's voice, as he had suspected.
He tore his head out of the blanket and looked into Kai's eyes with his tear-stained eyes.
The latter simply took him in his arms without a word.
He was too weak to resist, although he knew it would hurt.
Later, when he was alone in bed.
Then he felt lips gently touching his neck.
He broke away immediately, staring in horror at Kai's face.
The latter smiled sadly, then gently stroked Keenan's lips.
Unable to resist the urge, Keenan closed his eyes and nestled into the hand.
Kai came closer, gently stroking his neck with his hands. Then he kissed him.
At first doubtfully, then more determinedly and demanding.
His hands wandered under Keenan's shirt, tearing it off his head. He pushed him backwards onto the bed, kissed him, kissed his body.
His own shirt flew to the floor, followed by two pairs of jeans and his boxers.
Then he paused.