07-11-2025, 03:12 PM
“Who is it?” grumbled Lukas, annoyed.
It's eight o'clock in the morning and it's vacation. If he doesn't have a good reason for waking me up now, I won't guarantee anything anymore, it went through his head, still a little drowsy.
“It's me, Hendrik” – Lukas winced inwardly, ‘this is a dream,’ he had often hoped that Hendrik would one day stand in his doorway; but no, had he really hoped for it or was it rather a pipe dream... No, he hadn't hoped for a long time, it was too absurd, never could this be, or could it?
“Morning, Hendrik,” Lukas murmured half-friendly, ‘what makes you disturb my beauty sleep?”
“May I sit down?”
“Of course,’ Lukas replied as he sat up in bed.
Lukas expected Hendrik to sit down on one of the two office chairs in his room, but instead Hendrik went straight to the bed and sat down on the edge of the bed; although it was actually a sofa, Lukas was pragmatic, he didn't need an extra bed, it just took up space. So he had bought a sofa bed in good time, but he never took it apart; the undrawn 85cm wide lying surface was enough for him.
“Do you remember how we met?” Hendrik began hesitantly.
Guessing games at this time, he's making fun of me.
Lukas shot off again without thinking first, as so often. Somehow he could do that without really talking nonsense, but it happened so often that he changed the train of thought in the middle of a sentence and sometimes the beginning and end of the sentence no longer had anything to do with each other.
“Mh... when was that? You must have been at school before I noticed you. That was two years ago, when you came back from your year abroad in England and joined my class. But no, we didn't meet then either; no, it must have been when we became neighbors in physics, although, to be honest, we don't really know each other. We did talk a bit about everything in physics, but I don't really know much about you.”
“Hm, somehow you're right, before we became neighbors, I hadn't noticed you either...”
“Hendrik, you're a nice guy and I…“ Lukas faltered. Fuck, fuck, fuck, he was boiling inside, now he had almost let the cat out of the bag. Yes, of course, he was kind of attracted to Hendrik, but to tell him directly, no, he couldn't do that; he lacked the courage for that.
“What?” Hendrik pressed.
“Er... Er... Yes; and I like talking to you and I appreciate your opinion, but it's vacation, it's eight o'clock and I didn't go to bed until four, and I really don't feel like playing guessing games right now. So please, Hendrik, get to the point,” his voice sounded harder than he wanted, but he didn't want to show any weakness, not show that he felt something for Hendrik, and at the moment this was the only way to keep up appearances.
“I should probably go,” Hendrik said quietly, averting his gaze. Lukas recognized tears in Hendrik's blue eyes, his beautiful deep blue eyes. Lukas just wanted to sink into that look, but he knew that would probably never happen.
“Oh damn, Hendrik, I didn't mean to be so harsh, it's just... it's just that I'm just under a lot of stress right now and all,” Lukas tried to appease Hendrik, ”you know me, sometimes I blabber on without thinking, and then I sometimes say things in a way that doesn't come across the way I want it to; although do you really know me? After all, we're just neighbors in physics.”
“Neighbor!!! Neighbor!!! So that's what I am to you?” Hendrik was now howling uncontrollably and almost screaming.
Lukas was perplexed. What was going on here? Something didn't fit into the picture, but he didn't know what. He noticed that Hendrik wanted to leave, wanted to grab Hendrik's arm, understand the situation, comfort Hendrik, hold him, tell him that he would always be there for him. He reached for Hendrik's arm and just missed him.
Hendrik jumped up and stormed out of the room. Motionless, Lukas tried to grasp what had just happened. He heard Hendrik running down the stairs, heard his mother call, “Are you all right?”, the front door slammed, the scooter started; silence.
Christine, Lukas' mother, entered the room; there were almost as many question marks on her face as on his own. “Tell me Lukas, what just happened here? Visitors at 8 o'clock in the morning; not that it's not nice that you get visitors, it rarely happens enough, but at this time; unannounced? Was it your boyfriend, did you break up, did you cheat on him? Talk to me!” Christine knew that her son was gay and wasn't unhappy about it. She always said to herself, at least there won't be any unwanted children, and as long as he's happy.
Lukas woke up from his stupor: ”No mom, it wasn't my boyfriend. I'm single and have no idea what that was supposed to mean.”
In fact, despite being almost 19 years old, Lukas had never been in a relationship, mostly because it wasn't until around his 18th birthday that he was able to accept himself, and since then he had realized that it wasn't that easy to find a friend.
“What was it about then?” Christine didn't let up.
Mothers, Lukas thought.
“He thought you wanted to steal his girlfriend, but no, that doesn't make sense either, you're out at school after all.”
Partially out, he didn't make a secret of it, and when asked, he said it openly or corrected people when asked why he didn't have a girlfriend. But he couldn't say who knew, after all, he hadn't stood in front of the class shouting “I'm gay,” he hadn't found the courage for that, and somehow he thought it was unnecessary to put it that way. But he didn't feel like explaining it to his mother now.
“Again, Mom, I don't know what was going on, but I'd better go after him.”
“Oh, so you like him.”
“...
You don't have to say anything, but he's cute. I'd be happy for you if it worked out.”
Mothers thought again, Lukas. He rolled his eyes and pushed his mother out the door. Quickly, he grabbed some clothes, oddly enough his favorite shirt.
Once he was fully dressed, he grabbed his bike keys and cell phone and stormed out, hearing his father call out, “Don't you want to take the car?” as he passed by, but he was already out the door. He ran to his bike and noticed out of the corner of his eye a squirrel splashing in the bird bath. He hesitated for a moment; as an amateur photographer, this was the picture of the year for him, but he pulled himself away. Hendrik was more important now; he could always take more pictures. He ran on, reached the bike, swung himself into the saddle, and off he went towards the city center.
Lukas lived a little further out, not in the city at all, but in a larger village on the outskirts, so he had to cycle 8 km every day to get to school, and his thighs were correspondingly well-trained. On a good day, he could cover the 8 kilometers in under 20 minutes, but usually it took him about 25. He enjoyed not living in the city; it was usually quieter and more relaxed in the village, which Lukas enjoyed very much because he himself was often quite tense and had little inner peace.
When he had been on his way for a few minutes, he wondered where Hendrik would go. He realized that it was even possible that Hendrik had not even gone in the direction of the city, but in the opposite direction to the lake. He dismissed this thought. What would Hendrik be doing there? He lives in the city, after all. Lukas had to start his search somewhere. Even if he suspected that the whole thing could develop into a needle-in-a-haystack situation. He feverishly considered where Hendrik might be. He knew that Hendrik played rugby, but not where, he also didn't know where Hendrik lived and what other places were important to Hendrik; after all, he was just his seat neighbor and not a friend. He realized that he had perhaps acted hastily, just driving off without having found out anything about Hendrik beforehand. What should I do? Who can help me with this? Suddenly it dawned on him: Dick!
Dick was Lukas' best friend, together they went through thick and thin. People often teased that they were a couple, but Dick was 100% straight, and Lukas didn't want to destroy their friendship as best buddies by starting a relationship with Dick, but he knew that a relationship with Dick wouldn't work.
Frantically, Lukas fumbled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed, not caring that it was forbidden to use a cell phone while cycling. He just hoped the police were busy with something else.
“Here...”
“Dick, no time to explain, the air is burning.”
“You shouldn't always call me Dick!”
“Now drink your damn morning coffee and listen to me!”
“Okay,” he replied grumpily. ‘What do you want?”
“Go online and find out where Hendrik plays rugby, his cell phone number and where he lives, or no, better his parents’ number, and as quickly as possible, and oh yes, send it to me by text message, I'm on my bike right now.”
“Why do you want to know?”
“I'll explain later, bye!”
“Is something going on there...?” Dick couldn't finish his sentence. Lukas had just hung up.
Ten minutes later, Lukas received the message he had been waiting for just as he reached the city center. He had set a new track record, but he would probably need new brakes. At the roundabout, he had only just avoided colliding with a bus, but since then, when he applied the brake, nothing happened.
Rugby club, cell phone number, parents' number - everything was there. You could really rely on Dick. Lukas called him immediately, but Hendrik's phone went straight to voicemail. As a precaution, he left a message, but he knew that didn't matter anyway. So the parents. A little sleepy and puzzled, Hendrik's mother finally picked up the phone after the sixth ring. But she couldn't help either, but wanted to be informed immediately if Lukas found out something, and encouraged Lukas to look at the harbor. Lukas promised to report if he found out something.
The harbor was closer and was on the way to the sports field anyway, so Lukas decided to look there first. He pedaled faster than ever.
When he arrived at the harbor, he started looking, looking for Hendrik, asking warehouse workers, looking into empty halls, trying to spot the scooter, but nothing. After half an hour he gave up, the harbor was just too big, if Hendrik didn't want to be found here, Lukas wouldn't find him either. At least not without the police's dog squad.
So to the sports field. Lukas ignored the red lights, he just ran them over, he couldn't have braked anyway, the only thing that mattered to him now was to find Hendrik. From a distance, he saw Hendrik's scooter leaning against the sports field fence. Hope spread in him, as did fear. The sports field had a grandstand building, 17m high and barely visible from the ground.
He threw his bike on the grass, the sports field gate was not locked, he looked around in panic; no Hendrik.
Fuck, so he was on the roof after all. Where was the damn entrance? He frantically tried all the doors on the building. Finally one opened, revealing a staircase leading up. This had to be the way to the roof. Taking five steps at once, he leaped upwards, hoping it wasn't too late. At the top was a door, it was stuck. Lukas threw himself against it; once, twice, finally it sprang open and Lukas rushed out onto the roof. He didn't even notice the wonderful view that presented itself. Panic spread, he couldn't see Hendrik. Had he already jumped, had he really run up here? Then suddenly he noticed him.
Hendrik was standing at the edge of the roof, his eyes averted from Lukas.
Damn it, right on the edge. Lukas walked slowly towards Hendrik without saying anything. Damn fear of heights shot through his mind, but he couldn't take that into consideration. He stood next to Hendrik and noticed that he had his eyes closed, as if he was gathering strength to jump. Lukas wanted to say something, but couldn't. His throat felt like it was being constricted, and he didn't know what he wanted to say anyway. His thoughts circled, one step and Hendrik would be gone without him noticing me. Tears welled up in his eyes, and he still didn't know what to say. Suddenly his mouth came to his aid. Without realizing it, he said,
“Nice weather up here today, you'd like to spend the day here in the sun.”
What am I talking shit for, though, better than nothing at all.
Hendrik was startled, staggered, caught himself, stood securely again. Lukas' heart, which had skipped a beat, began to beat normally again. Hendrik's gaze was dark.
“Go away, I don't want to see you anymore, and soon I won't have to!”
“Hendrik, I know that I sometimes react a bit too steamroller-like when others start to be sensitive, but I have no idea what that was about this morning. Please, I want to understand you.”
“There's nothing more to talk about.”
Lukas finally lost his self-control, and the tears just poured out of him.
“Save your tears, they're not real anyway!”
Lukas almost collapsed and plunged into the abyss, but he managed to keep his balance.
“Hendrik please...”
“What Hendrik please? I don't care about you anyway!”
Lukas cried more bitterly, he could hardly bear how Hendrik's words hurt him.
“Hendrik, this morning when you asked me: I feel more for you than just being my classmate, I just couldn't confess it, I was afraid of completely losing you, afraid you wouldn't talk to me anymore, ignore me. Hendrik, the first time you came into class, I had already fallen for you, and when we became neighbors, it slowly became clear to me that I really feel something for you. I pushed it aside, hid it because I thought it would never work out anyway. Oh damn it, Hendrik, I LOVE YOU!”
It was out, Lukas was relieved, and yet, actually he didn't know if that was really what Hendrik was getting at, he just had a strong suspicion, and no matter what: It had to come out.
“You're just saying that!”
“No, Hendrik, it's true, and the further this day progresses, the more I think you love me too.”
“How do you know...”
“It's not that hard. You yell at me, and you call me just a seatmate? Then you storm out of the room, and then I find you on a roof, from which you apparently want to jump. Even a blind man can see that!”
“[...] is it that obvious?”
Hendrik started crying too.
“Yes!”
“You know, I came to you to tell you, but I was afraid. I tried to get to the point somehow through another route, but then, yes, then you had answered, and I was hurt and thought, if you see it that way, then I don't need to say anything more, and then I don't want to either…”
“Oh Hendrik, I was surely just as afraid as you and that's why I reacted that way. Please, if you can, will you forgive me?”
The tears of grief and anger turned into tears of joy.
“How could I ever stay mad at you?”
Lukas grinned, “We're a couple of crazy birds!”
“Just shut up and enjoy the moment!” Hendrik laughed back.
He did just that, he didn't say anything either and just looked into Hendrik's eyes, but he didn't have to say anything either, the world ceased to be important, stopped existing, they only lived in the eyes of the other, and after what seemed like an endless time, they fell into each other's arms, and their mouths found each other for a long-awaited kiss. The last shred of reality was washed out of their minds. Nothing existed anymore, only the other, they knew that no one could ever separate them.
Suddenly Lukas' mind kicked in again, something was wrong, something was terribly wrong. Something told him that he was moving, but not in a direction that seemed logical to him. He moved his legs, nothing. What is going on here? Slowly he opened his eyes. Hendrik didn't seem to notice anything. The horizon was moving, the sky was slipping out of his field of vision, he saw the ground, the ground was coming closer, he was falling. Lukas was falling, Hendrik in his arms, still with closed eyes, lost in a kiss. What was going on? Lukas didn't understand, they had just been standing. Then he realized, they were standing on the edge of the roof, 17 meters above the ground. Lost in the kiss, they had lost their balance without realizing it, and now they were falling towards the ground.
Suddenly Lukas realized that if they fell, they would hit the ground from a height of 17 meters, which would be almost impossible to survive. How much time did he have left? Certainly not much. He knew that in extreme situations the brain goes into a kind of hyperactivity and time feels considerably slower, so maybe he could still think a few thoughts, come to terms with his life, even if he didn't want to.
He closed his eyes, not wanting to see when the time would come, and began to empty his mind, first of all the things he regretted, then the things he still wanted to do, and finally the beautiful things he had experienced. Inner peace and calm spread through him, and finally the last moments with Hendrik faded from his mind. He was no longer afraid, he just hoped that it would be quick and that he would not feel any pain.
But even this faded away and then
BLACKNESS
Bathed in sweat and with a pounding heart, Lukas woke up, sitting bolt upright in bed. The moon was shining through the window; it must have been a few days since the full moon, and the clock showed 2:30 in the morning. Lukas realized all of this in a split second. Something was wrong: he had fallen, he was dead, or had he survived? But then what was he doing at home in his bed in his room? Why was he still alive? Something stirred next to him, perplexed, he looked down, next to him lay Hendrik. Then he remembered: Hendrik came to his room, but instead of talking for a long time, when Hendrik sat down on the edge of the bed, Lukas had simply taken Hendrik in his arms and kissed him. But that was two weeks ago. Finally he understood, it was all just a dream. He breathed a sigh of relief. He could deal with dreams; his imagination had often played one or two tricks on him in his sleep, but after waking up, he was always happy when he had dreamed, even if they were often very strange, sometimes not very pleasant dreams, but they were dreams, like a movie, only with better special effects and more lifelike.
Hendrik stirred again next to him.
“What are you making such a fuss about, you can't even sleep,” he grumbled.
Lukas grinned, ‘Oh, nothing, I just had a dream.”
“Well, it must have been disturbing.”
“Well, you were in it, so yes,’ Lukas teased.
“Thanks, it's nice of you to think of me when you're sleeping.”
“You died in it.”
Lukas got an angry look from Hendrik, but somehow he found the look rather amusing.
“Hey, I died with you!”
“How reassuring, at least you couldn't hit on the swimsuit models that way.”
“Hey!”
“Can I go back to sleep now, because some of us need to get some sleep.”
“Go ahead, you bird!”
Snuggled together and smiling blissfully, they fell asleep again.
It's eight o'clock in the morning and it's vacation. If he doesn't have a good reason for waking me up now, I won't guarantee anything anymore, it went through his head, still a little drowsy.
“It's me, Hendrik” – Lukas winced inwardly, ‘this is a dream,’ he had often hoped that Hendrik would one day stand in his doorway; but no, had he really hoped for it or was it rather a pipe dream... No, he hadn't hoped for a long time, it was too absurd, never could this be, or could it?
“Morning, Hendrik,” Lukas murmured half-friendly, ‘what makes you disturb my beauty sleep?”
“May I sit down?”
“Of course,’ Lukas replied as he sat up in bed.
Lukas expected Hendrik to sit down on one of the two office chairs in his room, but instead Hendrik went straight to the bed and sat down on the edge of the bed; although it was actually a sofa, Lukas was pragmatic, he didn't need an extra bed, it just took up space. So he had bought a sofa bed in good time, but he never took it apart; the undrawn 85cm wide lying surface was enough for him.
“Do you remember how we met?” Hendrik began hesitantly.
Guessing games at this time, he's making fun of me.
Lukas shot off again without thinking first, as so often. Somehow he could do that without really talking nonsense, but it happened so often that he changed the train of thought in the middle of a sentence and sometimes the beginning and end of the sentence no longer had anything to do with each other.
“Mh... when was that? You must have been at school before I noticed you. That was two years ago, when you came back from your year abroad in England and joined my class. But no, we didn't meet then either; no, it must have been when we became neighbors in physics, although, to be honest, we don't really know each other. We did talk a bit about everything in physics, but I don't really know much about you.”
“Hm, somehow you're right, before we became neighbors, I hadn't noticed you either...”
“Hendrik, you're a nice guy and I…“ Lukas faltered. Fuck, fuck, fuck, he was boiling inside, now he had almost let the cat out of the bag. Yes, of course, he was kind of attracted to Hendrik, but to tell him directly, no, he couldn't do that; he lacked the courage for that.
“What?” Hendrik pressed.
“Er... Er... Yes; and I like talking to you and I appreciate your opinion, but it's vacation, it's eight o'clock and I didn't go to bed until four, and I really don't feel like playing guessing games right now. So please, Hendrik, get to the point,” his voice sounded harder than he wanted, but he didn't want to show any weakness, not show that he felt something for Hendrik, and at the moment this was the only way to keep up appearances.
“I should probably go,” Hendrik said quietly, averting his gaze. Lukas recognized tears in Hendrik's blue eyes, his beautiful deep blue eyes. Lukas just wanted to sink into that look, but he knew that would probably never happen.
“Oh damn, Hendrik, I didn't mean to be so harsh, it's just... it's just that I'm just under a lot of stress right now and all,” Lukas tried to appease Hendrik, ”you know me, sometimes I blabber on without thinking, and then I sometimes say things in a way that doesn't come across the way I want it to; although do you really know me? After all, we're just neighbors in physics.”
“Neighbor!!! Neighbor!!! So that's what I am to you?” Hendrik was now howling uncontrollably and almost screaming.
Lukas was perplexed. What was going on here? Something didn't fit into the picture, but he didn't know what. He noticed that Hendrik wanted to leave, wanted to grab Hendrik's arm, understand the situation, comfort Hendrik, hold him, tell him that he would always be there for him. He reached for Hendrik's arm and just missed him.
Hendrik jumped up and stormed out of the room. Motionless, Lukas tried to grasp what had just happened. He heard Hendrik running down the stairs, heard his mother call, “Are you all right?”, the front door slammed, the scooter started; silence.
Christine, Lukas' mother, entered the room; there were almost as many question marks on her face as on his own. “Tell me Lukas, what just happened here? Visitors at 8 o'clock in the morning; not that it's not nice that you get visitors, it rarely happens enough, but at this time; unannounced? Was it your boyfriend, did you break up, did you cheat on him? Talk to me!” Christine knew that her son was gay and wasn't unhappy about it. She always said to herself, at least there won't be any unwanted children, and as long as he's happy.
Lukas woke up from his stupor: ”No mom, it wasn't my boyfriend. I'm single and have no idea what that was supposed to mean.”
In fact, despite being almost 19 years old, Lukas had never been in a relationship, mostly because it wasn't until around his 18th birthday that he was able to accept himself, and since then he had realized that it wasn't that easy to find a friend.
“What was it about then?” Christine didn't let up.
Mothers, Lukas thought.
“He thought you wanted to steal his girlfriend, but no, that doesn't make sense either, you're out at school after all.”
Partially out, he didn't make a secret of it, and when asked, he said it openly or corrected people when asked why he didn't have a girlfriend. But he couldn't say who knew, after all, he hadn't stood in front of the class shouting “I'm gay,” he hadn't found the courage for that, and somehow he thought it was unnecessary to put it that way. But he didn't feel like explaining it to his mother now.
“Again, Mom, I don't know what was going on, but I'd better go after him.”
“Oh, so you like him.”
“...
You don't have to say anything, but he's cute. I'd be happy for you if it worked out.”
Mothers thought again, Lukas. He rolled his eyes and pushed his mother out the door. Quickly, he grabbed some clothes, oddly enough his favorite shirt.
Once he was fully dressed, he grabbed his bike keys and cell phone and stormed out, hearing his father call out, “Don't you want to take the car?” as he passed by, but he was already out the door. He ran to his bike and noticed out of the corner of his eye a squirrel splashing in the bird bath. He hesitated for a moment; as an amateur photographer, this was the picture of the year for him, but he pulled himself away. Hendrik was more important now; he could always take more pictures. He ran on, reached the bike, swung himself into the saddle, and off he went towards the city center.
Lukas lived a little further out, not in the city at all, but in a larger village on the outskirts, so he had to cycle 8 km every day to get to school, and his thighs were correspondingly well-trained. On a good day, he could cover the 8 kilometers in under 20 minutes, but usually it took him about 25. He enjoyed not living in the city; it was usually quieter and more relaxed in the village, which Lukas enjoyed very much because he himself was often quite tense and had little inner peace.
When he had been on his way for a few minutes, he wondered where Hendrik would go. He realized that it was even possible that Hendrik had not even gone in the direction of the city, but in the opposite direction to the lake. He dismissed this thought. What would Hendrik be doing there? He lives in the city, after all. Lukas had to start his search somewhere. Even if he suspected that the whole thing could develop into a needle-in-a-haystack situation. He feverishly considered where Hendrik might be. He knew that Hendrik played rugby, but not where, he also didn't know where Hendrik lived and what other places were important to Hendrik; after all, he was just his seat neighbor and not a friend. He realized that he had perhaps acted hastily, just driving off without having found out anything about Hendrik beforehand. What should I do? Who can help me with this? Suddenly it dawned on him: Dick!
Dick was Lukas' best friend, together they went through thick and thin. People often teased that they were a couple, but Dick was 100% straight, and Lukas didn't want to destroy their friendship as best buddies by starting a relationship with Dick, but he knew that a relationship with Dick wouldn't work.
Frantically, Lukas fumbled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed, not caring that it was forbidden to use a cell phone while cycling. He just hoped the police were busy with something else.
“Here...”
“Dick, no time to explain, the air is burning.”
“You shouldn't always call me Dick!”
“Now drink your damn morning coffee and listen to me!”
“Okay,” he replied grumpily. ‘What do you want?”
“Go online and find out where Hendrik plays rugby, his cell phone number and where he lives, or no, better his parents’ number, and as quickly as possible, and oh yes, send it to me by text message, I'm on my bike right now.”
“Why do you want to know?”
“I'll explain later, bye!”
“Is something going on there...?” Dick couldn't finish his sentence. Lukas had just hung up.
Ten minutes later, Lukas received the message he had been waiting for just as he reached the city center. He had set a new track record, but he would probably need new brakes. At the roundabout, he had only just avoided colliding with a bus, but since then, when he applied the brake, nothing happened.
Rugby club, cell phone number, parents' number - everything was there. You could really rely on Dick. Lukas called him immediately, but Hendrik's phone went straight to voicemail. As a precaution, he left a message, but he knew that didn't matter anyway. So the parents. A little sleepy and puzzled, Hendrik's mother finally picked up the phone after the sixth ring. But she couldn't help either, but wanted to be informed immediately if Lukas found out something, and encouraged Lukas to look at the harbor. Lukas promised to report if he found out something.
The harbor was closer and was on the way to the sports field anyway, so Lukas decided to look there first. He pedaled faster than ever.
When he arrived at the harbor, he started looking, looking for Hendrik, asking warehouse workers, looking into empty halls, trying to spot the scooter, but nothing. After half an hour he gave up, the harbor was just too big, if Hendrik didn't want to be found here, Lukas wouldn't find him either. At least not without the police's dog squad.
So to the sports field. Lukas ignored the red lights, he just ran them over, he couldn't have braked anyway, the only thing that mattered to him now was to find Hendrik. From a distance, he saw Hendrik's scooter leaning against the sports field fence. Hope spread in him, as did fear. The sports field had a grandstand building, 17m high and barely visible from the ground.
He threw his bike on the grass, the sports field gate was not locked, he looked around in panic; no Hendrik.
Fuck, so he was on the roof after all. Where was the damn entrance? He frantically tried all the doors on the building. Finally one opened, revealing a staircase leading up. This had to be the way to the roof. Taking five steps at once, he leaped upwards, hoping it wasn't too late. At the top was a door, it was stuck. Lukas threw himself against it; once, twice, finally it sprang open and Lukas rushed out onto the roof. He didn't even notice the wonderful view that presented itself. Panic spread, he couldn't see Hendrik. Had he already jumped, had he really run up here? Then suddenly he noticed him.
Hendrik was standing at the edge of the roof, his eyes averted from Lukas.
Damn it, right on the edge. Lukas walked slowly towards Hendrik without saying anything. Damn fear of heights shot through his mind, but he couldn't take that into consideration. He stood next to Hendrik and noticed that he had his eyes closed, as if he was gathering strength to jump. Lukas wanted to say something, but couldn't. His throat felt like it was being constricted, and he didn't know what he wanted to say anyway. His thoughts circled, one step and Hendrik would be gone without him noticing me. Tears welled up in his eyes, and he still didn't know what to say. Suddenly his mouth came to his aid. Without realizing it, he said,
“Nice weather up here today, you'd like to spend the day here in the sun.”
What am I talking shit for, though, better than nothing at all.
Hendrik was startled, staggered, caught himself, stood securely again. Lukas' heart, which had skipped a beat, began to beat normally again. Hendrik's gaze was dark.
“Go away, I don't want to see you anymore, and soon I won't have to!”
“Hendrik, I know that I sometimes react a bit too steamroller-like when others start to be sensitive, but I have no idea what that was about this morning. Please, I want to understand you.”
“There's nothing more to talk about.”
Lukas finally lost his self-control, and the tears just poured out of him.
“Save your tears, they're not real anyway!”
Lukas almost collapsed and plunged into the abyss, but he managed to keep his balance.
“Hendrik please...”
“What Hendrik please? I don't care about you anyway!”
Lukas cried more bitterly, he could hardly bear how Hendrik's words hurt him.
“Hendrik, this morning when you asked me: I feel more for you than just being my classmate, I just couldn't confess it, I was afraid of completely losing you, afraid you wouldn't talk to me anymore, ignore me. Hendrik, the first time you came into class, I had already fallen for you, and when we became neighbors, it slowly became clear to me that I really feel something for you. I pushed it aside, hid it because I thought it would never work out anyway. Oh damn it, Hendrik, I LOVE YOU!”
It was out, Lukas was relieved, and yet, actually he didn't know if that was really what Hendrik was getting at, he just had a strong suspicion, and no matter what: It had to come out.
“You're just saying that!”
“No, Hendrik, it's true, and the further this day progresses, the more I think you love me too.”
“How do you know...”
“It's not that hard. You yell at me, and you call me just a seatmate? Then you storm out of the room, and then I find you on a roof, from which you apparently want to jump. Even a blind man can see that!”
“[...] is it that obvious?”
Hendrik started crying too.
“Yes!”
“You know, I came to you to tell you, but I was afraid. I tried to get to the point somehow through another route, but then, yes, then you had answered, and I was hurt and thought, if you see it that way, then I don't need to say anything more, and then I don't want to either…”
“Oh Hendrik, I was surely just as afraid as you and that's why I reacted that way. Please, if you can, will you forgive me?”
The tears of grief and anger turned into tears of joy.
“How could I ever stay mad at you?”
Lukas grinned, “We're a couple of crazy birds!”
“Just shut up and enjoy the moment!” Hendrik laughed back.
He did just that, he didn't say anything either and just looked into Hendrik's eyes, but he didn't have to say anything either, the world ceased to be important, stopped existing, they only lived in the eyes of the other, and after what seemed like an endless time, they fell into each other's arms, and their mouths found each other for a long-awaited kiss. The last shred of reality was washed out of their minds. Nothing existed anymore, only the other, they knew that no one could ever separate them.
Suddenly Lukas' mind kicked in again, something was wrong, something was terribly wrong. Something told him that he was moving, but not in a direction that seemed logical to him. He moved his legs, nothing. What is going on here? Slowly he opened his eyes. Hendrik didn't seem to notice anything. The horizon was moving, the sky was slipping out of his field of vision, he saw the ground, the ground was coming closer, he was falling. Lukas was falling, Hendrik in his arms, still with closed eyes, lost in a kiss. What was going on? Lukas didn't understand, they had just been standing. Then he realized, they were standing on the edge of the roof, 17 meters above the ground. Lost in the kiss, they had lost their balance without realizing it, and now they were falling towards the ground.
Suddenly Lukas realized that if they fell, they would hit the ground from a height of 17 meters, which would be almost impossible to survive. How much time did he have left? Certainly not much. He knew that in extreme situations the brain goes into a kind of hyperactivity and time feels considerably slower, so maybe he could still think a few thoughts, come to terms with his life, even if he didn't want to.
He closed his eyes, not wanting to see when the time would come, and began to empty his mind, first of all the things he regretted, then the things he still wanted to do, and finally the beautiful things he had experienced. Inner peace and calm spread through him, and finally the last moments with Hendrik faded from his mind. He was no longer afraid, he just hoped that it would be quick and that he would not feel any pain.
But even this faded away and then
BLACKNESS
Bathed in sweat and with a pounding heart, Lukas woke up, sitting bolt upright in bed. The moon was shining through the window; it must have been a few days since the full moon, and the clock showed 2:30 in the morning. Lukas realized all of this in a split second. Something was wrong: he had fallen, he was dead, or had he survived? But then what was he doing at home in his bed in his room? Why was he still alive? Something stirred next to him, perplexed, he looked down, next to him lay Hendrik. Then he remembered: Hendrik came to his room, but instead of talking for a long time, when Hendrik sat down on the edge of the bed, Lukas had simply taken Hendrik in his arms and kissed him. But that was two weeks ago. Finally he understood, it was all just a dream. He breathed a sigh of relief. He could deal with dreams; his imagination had often played one or two tricks on him in his sleep, but after waking up, he was always happy when he had dreamed, even if they were often very strange, sometimes not very pleasant dreams, but they were dreams, like a movie, only with better special effects and more lifelike.
Hendrik stirred again next to him.
“What are you making such a fuss about, you can't even sleep,” he grumbled.
Lukas grinned, ‘Oh, nothing, I just had a dream.”
“Well, it must have been disturbing.”
“Well, you were in it, so yes,’ Lukas teased.
“Thanks, it's nice of you to think of me when you're sleeping.”
“You died in it.”
Lukas got an angry look from Hendrik, but somehow he found the look rather amusing.
“Hey, I died with you!”
“How reassuring, at least you couldn't hit on the swimsuit models that way.”
“Hey!”
“Can I go back to sleep now, because some of us need to get some sleep.”
“Go ahead, you bird!”
Snuggled together and smiling blissfully, they fell asleep again.