07-11-2025, 03:51 PM
Morning dew
Splash.
Oh, shouting, barking, uproar.
Dennis shook his head, the helmet had slipped and sat crookedly on his brown hair. Tiffy, the Jack Russell terrier, was jumping on him, barking. What had just happened, he thought and looked from his unwanted sitting position in disbelief at the spectator stand.
Some people had stood up and were looking in his direction, mouths half open. When Dennis realized his misfortune, he just let himself fall into the mud. It didn't matter anymore anyway. At that moment, he felt a sharp pain in his shoulder. He closed his eyes. Anger arose, rage.
All over. Finished. His last chance gone. Before the medic was with him, the last few weeks quickly passed before his mind's eye. He had rarely had so much bad luck in his 19 years of life. Bad luck or misfortune? Fate? He couldn't separate them.
“Are you okay?“ one of the medics asked, kneeling down next to Dennis on the ground, which had been soaked by the rain of the last few days.
“My shoulder,” he replied quietly. He couldn't say what hurt more: having lost this tournament or the pain.
The medic had barely touched the spot when Dennis cried out.
“Ouch.”
Could be your collarbone. Any other pain?
Dennis shook his head and now felt tears in his eyes.
Can you stand up?
Dennis knew the medic meant well, but it was all terribly embarrassing for him. Everyone was still staring at him, someone was shouting something through the loudspeakers, and Dennis didn't even try to understand the echoing words.
He still caught the name, but he really didn't want to hear the rest. That he had been eliminated, that his arch-enemy Ralf had won first place in the riding competition. It had all looked so good that morning.
Billy, Dennis Kohlfuchs and only friend, was in a good mood, didn't act up and trotted to the arena very well-behaved. All the disciplines went very well, some people called his name and cheered him on.
But then there was a loud bang. It came from somewhere and was loud and sharp. Billy reared up so fast that Dennis couldn't react. Seconds later he fell out of the saddle and landed on the ground.
Resigned, Dennis let himself be led away by the medic. The right shoulder, of all things. If the collarbone was broken, he could expect not to be able to write for a while. And at a time when the final exam of his apprenticeship was due.
He didn't want to think about what that would mean. Is it possible to have that much bad luck? First his father had run off with the company secretary, then his car broke down and finally Stefan, his best friend from school days, moved away from the city.
And now this. He looked over at Billy, who was being led from the square by a jury member. The proud cabbage fox couldn't help it after all, blaming him was the last thing on Dennis' mind. Only if he caught the one who was responsible for this, he would turn his throat with just one hand.
Encouraging words were whispered to him as the medic accompanied him through the crowd. Dennis didn't dare to look them in the eye, least of all his sister or even his mother, who were definitely nearby. Meeting them soon was inevitable anyway, but he would have preferred to do without it.
He bravely trudged out of the paddock, his eyes fixed on the ground. Suddenly the medic stopped and Dennis saw him in front of him. Ralf, his rival, was standing in front of them. He just didn't like Dennis, but that only manifested itself in the fact that he actually avoided him permanently.
Ralf was already in the club when Dennis joined three years ago. His sister had often taken him with her and at some point he was sitting on Billy's back and taking his first riding attempts.
He enjoyed it, went more and more often and it turned out that he was born for this sport. But there was Ralf, who didn't treat him with mistrust from the start.
At first glance, the boy, who was about his age, wasn't so unpleasant. In the beginning, they often sat in the riders' room and talked, and even found other interests in common.
Over time, however, Dennis felt affection for him. His penchant for pretty boys was not new, but one evening, as they sat together again, Dennis sensed that there was more than just a beginning friendship. He realized that he was falling in love with Ralf. He kept his homosexuality a secret at all costs and nobody around him noticed his secret passion.
Dennis began to brood more and more often when they were together. Ralf didn't have a girlfriend, as he found out, and otherwise seemed to have little interest in anything other than sports.
Then the first tournaments began and Dennis got better and better, until he finally won one first prize after another. From then on, Ralf distanced himself more and more from him, until he finally avoided him completely.
Dennis was more than unhappy about this, and at first he tried to make Ralf understand that it was nothing personal, but he could hardly get through to him. He had actually hoped that Ralf would pay more attention to him as a result, but that was obviously a fallacy. Finally, he came to terms with the fact that Ralf was not what he had secretly hoped for. Of course he would never have gotten too close to him, but just his mere presence or talking to him was pure joy for him.
That was when he joined Mirko. He was anything but his type, but at least he was smart, decent. Almost a head shorter than him, reddish blonde hair, freckles and he came from a rich family. Not only of money, but also of children. Mirko had four siblings, all girls. But they were younger than Mirko, and he was only 17.
Their eyes met. Ralf had beautiful brown eyes, framed by long eyelashes. Was he smiling? Or was it schadenfreude? Probably the latter. Understandable, even though he had emerged as the victor. Won the most important tournament of the year. Dennis was ashamed, also because of his appearance. Totally filthy from the mud, he must have looked like a real wretch.
“Well, tough luck, eh?”
Tears welled up in Dennis' eyes again. Not because of the words, but because he said them, he, his secret love, still.
Seems so, he murmured almost inaudibly. Wouldn't he have rather hit him now? He didn't know what to think or say anymore. It didn't matter to him either, the pain in his shoulder was now beginning to get the upper hand.
Without looking up again, he ran past Ralf, their shoulders touching because Ralf didn't move out of the way.
“Child, are you badly hurt?“ his mother asked, suddenly standing next to him, followed by his sister Anni.
“No, I don't think so,” he replied morosely and got into the ambulance. He lay down on the stretcher without being asked and let the paramedic strap him in.
“We're going to St. Elisabeth's Hospital,” he said only to Dennis' mother, mother and closed the door. Dennis could still hear them discussing outside, presumably they wanted a ride. He didn't mind, even though it wasn't usually allowed; he wanted to be alone. Alone with himself and his misery. Now the tears came fully and he began to sob as the ambulance set in motion and drove at a moderate pace from the premises.
The procedure at the hospital took a long time. X-rays were taken of all possible parts of the body for possible injuries. Fortunately, the collarbone was only broken, but he still had to walk around with a support bandage for a few weeks.
His mother picked him up from the hospital late that afternoon and, in an attempt to cheer him up, took him for an ice cream in town. Dennis didn't mind; he didn't resist, but he wasn't thrilled either.
“Now just accept it, Dennis. There's nothing you can do about any of this, and it wasn't anyone's fault. At least not you and Billy's. They said they would find out who fired the shot, because they suspect that it was done on purpose. But even if they don't find him, it wasn't the end of the world, after all,” his mother said, digging into her ice cream sundae.
Dennis just nodded; she was right. Still, it annoyed him, and the thing with Ralf bothered him even more.
When he arrived home, he lay down on the bed and brooded. Again and again, he tried to convince himself that things would get better, knowing that he was allowed to take his exams after his mother had phoned the company.
He could also ride again, someday. But Ralf wouldn't get out of his head. That handsome guy who had such charisma that he couldn't escape. The blond, tousled hair, the slender body, which, wrapped in the riding gear, was so incredibly attractive to him. The cute bottom... Dennis groaned. He would have given anything to be allowed to have Ralf as a real friend. But something or someone was apparently against it.
Just as he was falling asleep, there was a knock at the door.
“Dennis, can I come in?”
Overcome with sleep, he sat up halfway. That voice belonged to Sandra, a good friend from the neighborhood. He liked her because she was so uncomplicated and unfortunately she had already hinted that she liked him very much. He always hoped that when they were together she wouldn't make any advances. But he suspected that eventually it would come to that. Then he had no choice but to come out of the closet, as much as he resisted outing himself to anyone.
“Yes, come in,” he called, and she was already standing by his bedside, holding a huge box of chocolates.
“Hello, unlucky you. How are you?”
He smiled painfully.
“Don't ask.”
“Oh, don't be such a frog. You'll be fine and then you can really show Ralf.”
Ralf. The name stung in his heart.
“If possible, please don't mention him in my presence for the foreseeable future.”
“Oh, but he didn't do anything to you.”
“Do you think?” he thought to himself.
“He broke my heart, which is worse than any injury to any body part.”
“Tell me, why don't you two get along?” ”In the beginning?”
“Please, Sandra, let's talk about something else.”
Without asking, she sat down on his bed and ran her fingers through his thick, dark brown hair.
“Well, I'm sorry, I'd really like to know what's between you. It's not right. I think it's great when you guys beat the others at other tournaments. It should be...
Dennis wiped his eyes.
“Are you in a lot of pain?” she interrupted her remarks.
He looked at his fingers and sensed that the time had come. She had to, she could and she should know, because it would come out eventually. And he knew her well enough to know that she could keep quiet. It was possible that she would then no longer want to have anything to do with him, but he just had to take that risk.
“Sandra, I have a problem...”
She looked at him, but rather calmly.
“Come on, spit it out.”
“It's not that easy,“ he mumbled, boring his eyes into the carpet.
“Otherwise it wouldn't be a problem, right?”
“Yeah, well... So the thing with Ralf...”
“Yes?” “Did he do something to you?”
“Basically, yes.”
Her eyes widened and she moved a bit away from him to get a better look at him.
“Well, come on, what's going on?”
“I've... I've fallen in love with him.”
He wanted to say more, but it was hard for him to find the right words now. Basically, everything was out. That was all there needed to be. He looked at her now and waited for her reaction.
Sandra let the air out of her lungs.
Oh, I see. I thought he had something to do with your accident.
Dennis looked up abruptly, directly into her eyes. He hadn't considered that at all. Of course. Ralf was already three runs ahead of him, he had plenty of time to leave the area and make the bang.
At exactly the right moment. It could only have been him. Anger suddenly overwhelmed him. He wanted to get to him, right now, on the spot. But words penetrated his ears and he calmed down. At least on the surface.
“And that's all you have to say about it?”
“That you're gay?” What can I say about that? It's not your fault. Of course I could have imagined something different, but as far as I know, there's nothing I can do about it. It's just stupid that Ralf... or is he too?
Dennis squinted at the sunlight shining into his room.
I don't know. He doesn't have a girlfriend, I know that. But that's all I know.
Then be careful. If he finds out and doesn't like gays, it could quickly go wrong. He knows a lot of important people in the club and...
Yes, yes, he interrupted her, I'll behave quietly. I wanted... no, I had to talk to someone about it now.
And that's with me. It's kind of an honor for me, even if I now have to bury my hopes in you.
She gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek.
“Well, now I have to go, Stefanie wants to go to the movies with me. Or are you coming too?”
He shook his head smiling.
“That's sweet of you, but I need to think. Another time would be nice. And thanks for listening to me. And for not letting me sit there?”
She grinned under the door, winked at him and gave him a thumbs-up.
“It'll be fine, no problem.”
Dennis flopped down on his pillows and shortly afterwards felt the reason for his being in his room in this weather. The pain shot through him like a dagger.
“Damn,” he cursed, and thought again about whether Ralf could really have something to do with all of this.
The days passed without anything exciting happening. Dennis' shoulder was getting better every day, and finally he was able to write again. But none of this satisfied him. He wanted to ride again. He wanted to get back on his horse, which he visited every day.
He had only seen Ralf a few times, but they didn't look at each other. It seemed to Dennis like two strangers, people who didn't know each other at all. His mental pain about it began to subside, at least Mirko was all the closer to him. Mirko had now chosen Fiola as his girlfriend.
She was also in the club and a very decent person. However, she never left Mirko's side and Dennis tried to stay away from them from time to time.
Sandra came to see him every other day or drove him to the riding arena. She was a sweet person and if he weren't gay, he would have captured her long ago. He often couldn't sleep in his bed at night.
Sometimes he dreamt of Ralf, they did a lot of things together. At the most beautiful moments he woke up with a start, realizing that none of it was true.
It wasn't necessarily just Ralf that he couldn't get out of his mind, it was the question of how to proceed. He would have to confess to his mother at some point, although he didn't see a big problem there.
She was tolerant, involved in the country women's association and was also otherwise open-minded. But she was not everything and not everyone.
After weeks of waiting, the first ride finally arrived. Early Sunday morning, with beautiful summer weather, Dennis saddled his Kohlfuchs. He didn't want to go far, just a few laps in the Rheinauen. He still felt a slight pull in his shoulder, but that didn't bother him.
Mounting was a bit more problematic, but once he was finally in the saddle, the pain was gone.
He trotted slowly out of the gate. Swallows circled the carriage, flies buzzed in the warm, still mild sunlight, and the flowers glistened everywhere in the morning dew. Only now did Dennis realize what he had been missing for so long.
Suddenly he heard hooves next to him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that it was Ralf's black horse. He just didn't need that right now and tried to just ignore it, gently spurring his horse and accelerating slightly.
The kicks next to him remained, Ralf pulled along. What was he up to? Dennis stopped abruptly and turned his horse in Ralf's direction.
They stood there, the horses almost head to head.
“What do you want from me?” Dennis asked briskly.
“Maybe a ride with you?”
Dennis began to tremble slightly. That voice. Nothing loud, intrusive or even threatening. And then that image. No one else sat in the saddle as gracefully as that. He would say proudly. And beautifully. Yes, beautifully. His heart was pounding. It was up to him to accept the offer. Was Ralf really the “bad guy”? Was he up to something again? Dennis had no answers to these questions. But at least he was being warned, to pay close attention to what was happening.
“If you want,“ he said, not very politely. He didn't really want to say it like that, but his mistrust prevailed.
“Fine. Then come on,” Ralf said, setting his black horse in motion.
Dennis followed at a distance, along the path into the poplar forest that accompanied them to the Rhine.
Dennis watched the man in front of him lead the horse; the narrow waist, this graceful movement that resembled floating. Ralf was born to ride horses, he thought. They were one up front, rider and horse merged into a graceful unit. Dennis took a deep breath.
Despite the unplanned company, he felt comfortable, somehow. Why couldn't Ralf be his friend? Just like that, without the gay stuff around it? He could have lived with that, definitely. He didn't dare to see the future and the difficulties that such a one-sided friendship would bring with it.
When the desire grows stronger and stronger, to the point where you break down. Where you can't help but confess your love for the other.
They left the forest and the wide Rheinaue opened up in front of them. There was plenty of space to ride, most people weren't up yet, it was almost lonely out there.
Ralf stopped his horse and Dennis caught up with him.
The horses trotted restlessly on the spot.
“Shall we sprint?” Ralf suddenly asked.
Immediately, the red lights went on in Dennis' mind. What could that mean now? What could you do there? He felt strong enough to do a sprint, no doubt about it.
He took a deep breath. Should he take the risk? Billy is in top form, it can't fail with the two of us, he thought.
Yes, I'm game. Up to what?
Ralf smiled. Stunning, enchanting. Dennis began to discard all his doubts and accusations. If he was the one who was responsible for his accident, then at that moment it didn't matter at all.
“To the landmark?“ Ralf said, turning his head in the direction they were going.
“Great. And what about the winner?” Dennis wanted to know after all.
“Should there be one?“ Ralf asked in return.
Dennis wondered what he could have meant by that, but then just shrugged his shoulders.
“Should there be a winner after all? The prize is secret,” said Ralf, getting his horse into position.
The milestone was a kilometer away, right at the side of the road. Without a referee, it didn't make any sense anyway, but Dennis just went along with it.
He positioned himself directly next to him and looked ahead, then to Ralf on his right. Eye level. Those wonderful eyes, those sensual lips.
Ready, steady, go!
At the same time, the horses started to move, from a standing start into a furious gallop. The path was wide enough for the two of them, so they could concentrate fully on the track. The path was dry and there were only a few stones lying around. There were no water channels or other obstacles. And it was almost straight as a die.
Two plumes of dust rose behind them into the blue sky and the cheers of the two riders could be heard from afar. Driven by furies, they raced along the path, as if propelled by a mighty, invisible force.
The wind was cool as it hit them, the horses opened their mouths and shreds of foam were torn apart by the headwind.
Dennis leaned further and further forward, his upper body against the neck of his horse, like a jockey. Ralf did the same, and gradually they went into a frenzy. They sped up, driving their horses to the limit with their whips.
Then it came, the boundary stone approached them at breakneck speed.
The riders saw the same thing, experienced the same moment. The front legs of their horses passed through the dark shadow that the boundary stone cast over the path by the still low-lying sun at the same moment.
There was no winner.
Slowly they let their horses run out, only gradually slowing down their speed until they came to a halt.
The air was filled with the panting of the animals and riders, who only slowly returned from their intoxication. Without the cooling headwind, their faces and clothes became soaked with sweat. Hearts were pounding and mouths stuck together dry.
Ralf straightened his jacket and turned his horse in the direction from which they had come.
“Great. That was fun,” he gasped. ‘You too?”
Dennis nodded, panting for air, and turned Billy as well.
“We were neck and neck,’ Dennis said after several minutes of silence.
Ralf grinned.
“I said there wouldn't be a winner.”
“And what would have been his prize?”
Ralf looked at the ground, then into the distance. He pushed his helmet further back on his head and wiped his face with a handkerchief.
“What do you say we ride to the Schnakenwirt and have a drink?”
Dennis didn't even want to know the answer. Ralf had accepted that at least today they were equally fast and strong, and that was prize enough for him.
Yes, why not. If he's already open so early?
Ralf just nodded and slowly they rode towards the Rhine, where an old, small hut stood. You could take a break there; the day-trippers, anglers, riders, whoever. And because in summer the mosquitoes could become a big nuisance here, the hut was simply called the “Mosquito Inn”.
The sun was beginning to beat down as they reached the first trees on the banks of the Rhine again.
They got off and let the animals drink from the river, while Ralf sat down exhausted under a tree and leaned against the trunk.
Dennis did the same. They looked out at the ships, which chugged along evenly, and followed the small white clouds in the sky.
He would have liked to sit like that, next to Ralf, for the rest of his life. He turned his head to the young man and looked at him. Ralf had closed his eyes briefly and was sitting there very peacefully. No, it wasn't a one-time thing. I want it to be like this often, Dennis pleaded. Sitting next to you, very close, often. By day or by night, it doesn't matter. Rain, snow, heat – what can it do to me when you're with me? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
What are you thinking about?, Ralf suddenly interrupted the silence, which was only broken by the gurgling of the small waves on the shore.
What am I thinking? That that was nice.
Ralf plucked a plant stem out of the ground, shortened it and began to chew on the panicle. It looked funny as she bobbed up and down, back and forth.
So, did you like it?
Dennis just nodded, words began to bother him. They could destroy so much. Better to say nothing.
“Why did you want to come with me?“ he asked after all.
Ralf blinked at him.
“I just felt like it.”
“And if there had been someone else?” I mean...
“No,” his fellow swimmer interrupted him, ”I couldn't have raced against anyone like that. I would have won every time.”
“And you didn't want that today?”
Winning? Yes, sure. I always want to win, you know that, don't you?”
Dennis was getting restless.
“And what if I had won?”
“Then we wouldn't be sitting here now.”
Dennis leaned back again. Despite how he felt about Ralf, he didn't like this selfish behavior. He stood up, took Billy by the bridle, got into the stirrups and sat up.
“Where are you going?”
“I don't know if I like your attitude. Right now, I don't.”
Wait, I didn't mean it. Let's go get a drink, we can talk a little more.”
Dennis hesitated. Did it make sense? What could he lose? Nothing anymore. At most he could win, because he would tell Ralf once and for all what he thought of him, should Ralf continue talking along these lines.
The hut had just opened when they arrived. They tied their horses to the back wall and bought a bottle of beer from the old man. Dennis had never drunk alcohol so early, but there's always a first time, he thought.
They sat down on the large square stones at the edge of the water and drank a toast to each other.
Ralf took off his boots and socks and let the cool water wash around his feet. Dennis swallowed. Nice feet, he thought. As nice as the hands...
“You know,” Ralf started the conversation, ”I must seem like a snob to you. Conceited, selfish and vain. Right?”
Dennis listened intently, because that was exactly his impression.
“Yes, but you weren't always like that. Remember the early days?”
Ralf waved that off.
“Yes, but have you looked at yourself lately?”
Dennis jumped.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, how do you think it came about that I avoided you?”
I don't know. But I thought I did when I started winning all the prizes.
Yes, that's right. You had nothing else on your mind but riding, riding, riding. And then you started hanging out with that Mirko guy. He's just rich, nothing more.
Dennis wanted to protest, but then thought about what he had to say. Could there be something to it?
You don't have to say anything now, but maybe you'll think about how I felt. Suddenly everything was all about you. Dennis, the winner. The pretty boy who was pined for by the women...?
You were jealous?
Dennis took a big gulp.
Maybe not the right word, but I felt like an old broom that had been put in the corner.”
“Ralf, I didn't mean to, I promise. I thought you envied me all of this and?”
“What?”
Ralf blinked at him again.
Dennis finished the rest of the bottle. His courage was rising. Infinite courage.
Ralf, I suffered a lot from you avoiding me. Much more than you can imagine. Mirko stuck up for me, that's why he was always around me. I didn't have anyone else, as you surely noticed.
And why didn't you talk to me about it?
You kept out of my way all the time. If I had wanted to talk to you about it, I would have done it in private, not in front of a crowd or in passing.
Ralf crossed his arms behind his head and stared out at the water.
And what do we do now that we've learned this?
Quite simply, Ralf. I would like to have you as a friend. I've always wanted that. And I can offer you my friendship. You just have to say yes.
Ralf stood up uncertainly; beer in the morning was not his thing.
“I don't know if I want you as a friend,” he said quite loudly and belched rudely.
Dennis didn't know whether he found that repulsive or not.
“What do you mean, you don't know?”
“Well, the way I say it. I usually choose my friends and don't let them be foisted on me.”
Now the cup was full. After he jumped up, Dennis started screaming.
Listen. I'm not forcing anything on you, not at all. I made you an offer to bury this ungrateful war. That's it. But the Lord has no need of friends, he doesn't need any.
He felt the tears welling up in his eyes.
You don't have any friends, not even a girlfriend, I know that. And the question of why not? Well, just look at yourself. Listen to what you say. You can't stand to offend people who like you, and that's what you want and what you're good at. I don't even know why I'm still talking to you at all.
Ralf had listened without moving.
“Are you finished now?”
Dennis was boiling with rage. He took a swing and hurled the empty bottle out into the Rhine.
“No, damn it, I'm not finished yet. I loved you, you idiot. Yes, loved you. I would never get too close to you, but I wanted you close to me. To be with you, to be around you without getting on your nerves. I was happy the first time I was with you, like never before. And I tried hard at the tournaments because I did it for you. So that you would pay attention to me, not turn away.?
His voice became hoarse and louder.
But it doesn't matter anymore. Good, understandable, because now you have a reason to avoid me. You can't be with a gay guy, not you, who doesn't even have straight friends. Go and announce it, then you'll have achieved what you wanted. Then I'll be out of the club and you can win your prizes in peace. Be it granted to you?
With that, he stomped off to his horse with the appropriate amount of anger in his belly. As he climbed into the stirrup and was about to mount, a hand was laid around his waist.
“You don't have to help me up. Gays are quite capable of helping themselves,” he spat, trying not to turn around so Ralf couldn't see his tears.
He stood behind him, still holding him, saying nothing.
With a jerk, Dennis freed himself from the embrace, swung himself onto Billy's saddle and rode off without looking back.
His damp cheeks felt cool, pleasant, and yet it hurt. Was what he had done right? He didn't know. He tried not to think about anything. Tomorrow he would take his things out of the riding hall; there were other clubs in the area. Despite his anger, he was proud of himself.
He had told whoever he wanted to. Sandra and Ralf were just the beginning. His mother would hear about it today and tomorrow the people at work. He knew he had to get out of this second, false skin. The one in which he was known as a well-behaved, nice boy. Who of course had to be heterosexual.
He hadn't heard Ralf coming up behind him, but suddenly he was riding next to him.
“And how are you now?” he asked.
Dennis winced briefly, then he ran the back of his hand over his face. However, why shouldn't Ralf see the tears? There was no better proof that he was serious.
“How am I doing?” As if you still care. I feel sick, everything is spinning, I'm tired and I don't want to talk anymore.”
“Why are you so toxic?”
Dennis laughed painfully.
“Toxic? Me, toxic? Sorry, I can't laugh at that joke.”
“It's not a joke.”
Why are you even talking to a fag?
Ralf shook his head smilingly, but Dennis didn't notice.
See, you're doing it again. All I wanted to know was how you are.
I told you. Anything else?
Yes.
Ralf trotted quickly forward and stood in the way of Dennis and Billy. The horse whinnied and stopped.
“Hey, what's the idea? Get out of our way.”
“No. If you listened to me, you can ride on.”
“I don't want to listen to you anymore, damn it.”
“You won't have much choice.”
He gave in. It didn't really matter what Ralf had to say. He would take note of it and ride home, it was as simple as that.
Ralf crossed his arms in front of the saddle, leaned forward and started to talk calmly.
“You didn't let me get a word in edgewise earlier. I didn't even consider how you felt about me. I really thought you wanted to be alone in the spotlight and you didn't care about me at all. That I misinterpreted it? I'm sorry about that.
Dennis tried not to listen, but he didn't leave. Every single word penetrated his ears, sounding like the soft ringing of a wind chime.
That you love me... I didn't realize that either...
Yes, sure. I can understand that...
Please let me finish. For me it was the worst that you were suddenly attached to this Mirko.
Why was that bad? Besides, I wasn't attached to him. I never wanted anything from him.
Ralf's eyes widened.
No?
No, why is that so important?
The sun beat down on the two of them, sweat ran down their temples and the flies started to get annoying. Ralf got off his horse and stood next to Billy.
“Come on, get off.”
“Why?”
“Why not?”
Reluctantly, Dennis swung himself out of the saddle and came to the ground next to Ralf.
“Well?”
Without saying another word, Ralf grabbed Dennis by the neck and pulled him towards him. His eyes widened, he wanted to fight back, but he was paralyzed. For a few seconds he thought about his last minute, about the fact that everything was about to end.
He was the one who had caused the bang. He had probably also hoped that he would fall during the race. But the look in Ralf's eyes brought him out of his fear. Right over to the other side. They came closer and closer, Dennis? Tension dissolved more and more and then he let himself go. Falling into another world, which revealed itself to him through the warmth and softness of two lips.
He slumped down, letting Ralf simply hold him before he put his arms around Ralf's waist and clasped his hands on his back.
“Ralf?” he managed to say after what seemed like an eternity. ‘Why are you doing this?”
They were still hugging, and didn't care that two cyclists rode past them and stared at them so intently that they almost fell.
“Why?’ Ralf replied quietly. ”I love you, that's why.”
“Yes, but?”
Shh, don't talk now. Unless you don't want the first prize...?
They kissed again.
They rode slowly back on the path under the tall trees, whose leaves reflected the sunlight in dancing spots on their faces and bodies.
Dennis didn't mind that Ralf was riding in front of him and not next to him, or that they had to talk loudly to understand each other. He wouldn't have minded even if they had been heard from here in the riding arena.
“You love people who can stand up for themselves and fight back?” Dennis asked, his eyes shining as brightly as the sun.
Yes. I only knew from you that you were educated, could speak softly and pleasantly, and that you were quite pretty. Nothing more. That was not enough for me. But then all that happened and I thought you had started something with Mirko. That's why I avoided you. I didn't think you would talk to me again. And today, the race, that was a coincidence. And then a challenge. I would have found out today what was going on with you and him. That's all I wanted.?
?But how did you come to think that I was gay? You must have known that then??
?I didn't know that, I hoped so, night after night.?
?Then it wasn't you with the bang??
Ralf laughed out loud.
“No. I heard and saw you fall off Billy. But I knew exactly where it came from and ran. That was Gr?gers Kurt in his allotment. He wanted to chase away blackbirds.?
“Did you forbid him?”
Ralf coughed.
“Um... Yes.”
Dennis could now more or less imagine this “ban”.
“Oh?”
Ralf stopped his black horse and grinned to himself.
“What's the matter? Why aren't you riding on?” Dennis called to the front.
Ralf turned around in the saddle and laughed at him.
“Do all gay friendships actually start with a serious argument?”
Dennis laughed back.
I don't think so, but who knows what kind of omen it is...
Then the riding hall lay before them and Tiffy came running towards the riders, barking loudly. For a moment Dennis feared he would wake up from a dream.
He didn't wake up.
**End**
Splash.
Oh, shouting, barking, uproar.
Dennis shook his head, the helmet had slipped and sat crookedly on his brown hair. Tiffy, the Jack Russell terrier, was jumping on him, barking. What had just happened, he thought and looked from his unwanted sitting position in disbelief at the spectator stand.
Some people had stood up and were looking in his direction, mouths half open. When Dennis realized his misfortune, he just let himself fall into the mud. It didn't matter anymore anyway. At that moment, he felt a sharp pain in his shoulder. He closed his eyes. Anger arose, rage.
All over. Finished. His last chance gone. Before the medic was with him, the last few weeks quickly passed before his mind's eye. He had rarely had so much bad luck in his 19 years of life. Bad luck or misfortune? Fate? He couldn't separate them.
“Are you okay?“ one of the medics asked, kneeling down next to Dennis on the ground, which had been soaked by the rain of the last few days.
“My shoulder,” he replied quietly. He couldn't say what hurt more: having lost this tournament or the pain.
The medic had barely touched the spot when Dennis cried out.
“Ouch.”
Could be your collarbone. Any other pain?
Dennis shook his head and now felt tears in his eyes.
Can you stand up?
Dennis knew the medic meant well, but it was all terribly embarrassing for him. Everyone was still staring at him, someone was shouting something through the loudspeakers, and Dennis didn't even try to understand the echoing words.
He still caught the name, but he really didn't want to hear the rest. That he had been eliminated, that his arch-enemy Ralf had won first place in the riding competition. It had all looked so good that morning.
Billy, Dennis Kohlfuchs and only friend, was in a good mood, didn't act up and trotted to the arena very well-behaved. All the disciplines went very well, some people called his name and cheered him on.
But then there was a loud bang. It came from somewhere and was loud and sharp. Billy reared up so fast that Dennis couldn't react. Seconds later he fell out of the saddle and landed on the ground.
Resigned, Dennis let himself be led away by the medic. The right shoulder, of all things. If the collarbone was broken, he could expect not to be able to write for a while. And at a time when the final exam of his apprenticeship was due.
He didn't want to think about what that would mean. Is it possible to have that much bad luck? First his father had run off with the company secretary, then his car broke down and finally Stefan, his best friend from school days, moved away from the city.
And now this. He looked over at Billy, who was being led from the square by a jury member. The proud cabbage fox couldn't help it after all, blaming him was the last thing on Dennis' mind. Only if he caught the one who was responsible for this, he would turn his throat with just one hand.
Encouraging words were whispered to him as the medic accompanied him through the crowd. Dennis didn't dare to look them in the eye, least of all his sister or even his mother, who were definitely nearby. Meeting them soon was inevitable anyway, but he would have preferred to do without it.
He bravely trudged out of the paddock, his eyes fixed on the ground. Suddenly the medic stopped and Dennis saw him in front of him. Ralf, his rival, was standing in front of them. He just didn't like Dennis, but that only manifested itself in the fact that he actually avoided him permanently.
Ralf was already in the club when Dennis joined three years ago. His sister had often taken him with her and at some point he was sitting on Billy's back and taking his first riding attempts.
He enjoyed it, went more and more often and it turned out that he was born for this sport. But there was Ralf, who didn't treat him with mistrust from the start.
At first glance, the boy, who was about his age, wasn't so unpleasant. In the beginning, they often sat in the riders' room and talked, and even found other interests in common.
Over time, however, Dennis felt affection for him. His penchant for pretty boys was not new, but one evening, as they sat together again, Dennis sensed that there was more than just a beginning friendship. He realized that he was falling in love with Ralf. He kept his homosexuality a secret at all costs and nobody around him noticed his secret passion.
Dennis began to brood more and more often when they were together. Ralf didn't have a girlfriend, as he found out, and otherwise seemed to have little interest in anything other than sports.
Then the first tournaments began and Dennis got better and better, until he finally won one first prize after another. From then on, Ralf distanced himself more and more from him, until he finally avoided him completely.
Dennis was more than unhappy about this, and at first he tried to make Ralf understand that it was nothing personal, but he could hardly get through to him. He had actually hoped that Ralf would pay more attention to him as a result, but that was obviously a fallacy. Finally, he came to terms with the fact that Ralf was not what he had secretly hoped for. Of course he would never have gotten too close to him, but just his mere presence or talking to him was pure joy for him.
That was when he joined Mirko. He was anything but his type, but at least he was smart, decent. Almost a head shorter than him, reddish blonde hair, freckles and he came from a rich family. Not only of money, but also of children. Mirko had four siblings, all girls. But they were younger than Mirko, and he was only 17.
Their eyes met. Ralf had beautiful brown eyes, framed by long eyelashes. Was he smiling? Or was it schadenfreude? Probably the latter. Understandable, even though he had emerged as the victor. Won the most important tournament of the year. Dennis was ashamed, also because of his appearance. Totally filthy from the mud, he must have looked like a real wretch.
“Well, tough luck, eh?”
Tears welled up in Dennis' eyes again. Not because of the words, but because he said them, he, his secret love, still.
Seems so, he murmured almost inaudibly. Wouldn't he have rather hit him now? He didn't know what to think or say anymore. It didn't matter to him either, the pain in his shoulder was now beginning to get the upper hand.
Without looking up again, he ran past Ralf, their shoulders touching because Ralf didn't move out of the way.
“Child, are you badly hurt?“ his mother asked, suddenly standing next to him, followed by his sister Anni.
“No, I don't think so,” he replied morosely and got into the ambulance. He lay down on the stretcher without being asked and let the paramedic strap him in.
“We're going to St. Elisabeth's Hospital,” he said only to Dennis' mother, mother and closed the door. Dennis could still hear them discussing outside, presumably they wanted a ride. He didn't mind, even though it wasn't usually allowed; he wanted to be alone. Alone with himself and his misery. Now the tears came fully and he began to sob as the ambulance set in motion and drove at a moderate pace from the premises.
The procedure at the hospital took a long time. X-rays were taken of all possible parts of the body for possible injuries. Fortunately, the collarbone was only broken, but he still had to walk around with a support bandage for a few weeks.
His mother picked him up from the hospital late that afternoon and, in an attempt to cheer him up, took him for an ice cream in town. Dennis didn't mind; he didn't resist, but he wasn't thrilled either.
“Now just accept it, Dennis. There's nothing you can do about any of this, and it wasn't anyone's fault. At least not you and Billy's. They said they would find out who fired the shot, because they suspect that it was done on purpose. But even if they don't find him, it wasn't the end of the world, after all,” his mother said, digging into her ice cream sundae.
Dennis just nodded; she was right. Still, it annoyed him, and the thing with Ralf bothered him even more.
When he arrived home, he lay down on the bed and brooded. Again and again, he tried to convince himself that things would get better, knowing that he was allowed to take his exams after his mother had phoned the company.
He could also ride again, someday. But Ralf wouldn't get out of his head. That handsome guy who had such charisma that he couldn't escape. The blond, tousled hair, the slender body, which, wrapped in the riding gear, was so incredibly attractive to him. The cute bottom... Dennis groaned. He would have given anything to be allowed to have Ralf as a real friend. But something or someone was apparently against it.
Just as he was falling asleep, there was a knock at the door.
“Dennis, can I come in?”
Overcome with sleep, he sat up halfway. That voice belonged to Sandra, a good friend from the neighborhood. He liked her because she was so uncomplicated and unfortunately she had already hinted that she liked him very much. He always hoped that when they were together she wouldn't make any advances. But he suspected that eventually it would come to that. Then he had no choice but to come out of the closet, as much as he resisted outing himself to anyone.
“Yes, come in,” he called, and she was already standing by his bedside, holding a huge box of chocolates.
“Hello, unlucky you. How are you?”
He smiled painfully.
“Don't ask.”
“Oh, don't be such a frog. You'll be fine and then you can really show Ralf.”
Ralf. The name stung in his heart.
“If possible, please don't mention him in my presence for the foreseeable future.”
“Oh, but he didn't do anything to you.”
“Do you think?” he thought to himself.
“He broke my heart, which is worse than any injury to any body part.”
“Tell me, why don't you two get along?” ”In the beginning?”
“Please, Sandra, let's talk about something else.”
Without asking, she sat down on his bed and ran her fingers through his thick, dark brown hair.
“Well, I'm sorry, I'd really like to know what's between you. It's not right. I think it's great when you guys beat the others at other tournaments. It should be...
Dennis wiped his eyes.
“Are you in a lot of pain?” she interrupted her remarks.
He looked at his fingers and sensed that the time had come. She had to, she could and she should know, because it would come out eventually. And he knew her well enough to know that she could keep quiet. It was possible that she would then no longer want to have anything to do with him, but he just had to take that risk.
“Sandra, I have a problem...”
She looked at him, but rather calmly.
“Come on, spit it out.”
“It's not that easy,“ he mumbled, boring his eyes into the carpet.
“Otherwise it wouldn't be a problem, right?”
“Yeah, well... So the thing with Ralf...”
“Yes?” “Did he do something to you?”
“Basically, yes.”
Her eyes widened and she moved a bit away from him to get a better look at him.
“Well, come on, what's going on?”
“I've... I've fallen in love with him.”
He wanted to say more, but it was hard for him to find the right words now. Basically, everything was out. That was all there needed to be. He looked at her now and waited for her reaction.
Sandra let the air out of her lungs.
Oh, I see. I thought he had something to do with your accident.
Dennis looked up abruptly, directly into her eyes. He hadn't considered that at all. Of course. Ralf was already three runs ahead of him, he had plenty of time to leave the area and make the bang.
At exactly the right moment. It could only have been him. Anger suddenly overwhelmed him. He wanted to get to him, right now, on the spot. But words penetrated his ears and he calmed down. At least on the surface.
“And that's all you have to say about it?”
“That you're gay?” What can I say about that? It's not your fault. Of course I could have imagined something different, but as far as I know, there's nothing I can do about it. It's just stupid that Ralf... or is he too?
Dennis squinted at the sunlight shining into his room.
I don't know. He doesn't have a girlfriend, I know that. But that's all I know.
Then be careful. If he finds out and doesn't like gays, it could quickly go wrong. He knows a lot of important people in the club and...
Yes, yes, he interrupted her, I'll behave quietly. I wanted... no, I had to talk to someone about it now.
And that's with me. It's kind of an honor for me, even if I now have to bury my hopes in you.
She gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek.
“Well, now I have to go, Stefanie wants to go to the movies with me. Or are you coming too?”
He shook his head smiling.
“That's sweet of you, but I need to think. Another time would be nice. And thanks for listening to me. And for not letting me sit there?”
She grinned under the door, winked at him and gave him a thumbs-up.
“It'll be fine, no problem.”
Dennis flopped down on his pillows and shortly afterwards felt the reason for his being in his room in this weather. The pain shot through him like a dagger.
“Damn,” he cursed, and thought again about whether Ralf could really have something to do with all of this.
The days passed without anything exciting happening. Dennis' shoulder was getting better every day, and finally he was able to write again. But none of this satisfied him. He wanted to ride again. He wanted to get back on his horse, which he visited every day.
He had only seen Ralf a few times, but they didn't look at each other. It seemed to Dennis like two strangers, people who didn't know each other at all. His mental pain about it began to subside, at least Mirko was all the closer to him. Mirko had now chosen Fiola as his girlfriend.
She was also in the club and a very decent person. However, she never left Mirko's side and Dennis tried to stay away from them from time to time.
Sandra came to see him every other day or drove him to the riding arena. She was a sweet person and if he weren't gay, he would have captured her long ago. He often couldn't sleep in his bed at night.
Sometimes he dreamt of Ralf, they did a lot of things together. At the most beautiful moments he woke up with a start, realizing that none of it was true.
It wasn't necessarily just Ralf that he couldn't get out of his mind, it was the question of how to proceed. He would have to confess to his mother at some point, although he didn't see a big problem there.
She was tolerant, involved in the country women's association and was also otherwise open-minded. But she was not everything and not everyone.
After weeks of waiting, the first ride finally arrived. Early Sunday morning, with beautiful summer weather, Dennis saddled his Kohlfuchs. He didn't want to go far, just a few laps in the Rheinauen. He still felt a slight pull in his shoulder, but that didn't bother him.
Mounting was a bit more problematic, but once he was finally in the saddle, the pain was gone.
He trotted slowly out of the gate. Swallows circled the carriage, flies buzzed in the warm, still mild sunlight, and the flowers glistened everywhere in the morning dew. Only now did Dennis realize what he had been missing for so long.
Suddenly he heard hooves next to him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw that it was Ralf's black horse. He just didn't need that right now and tried to just ignore it, gently spurring his horse and accelerating slightly.
The kicks next to him remained, Ralf pulled along. What was he up to? Dennis stopped abruptly and turned his horse in Ralf's direction.
They stood there, the horses almost head to head.
“What do you want from me?” Dennis asked briskly.
“Maybe a ride with you?”
Dennis began to tremble slightly. That voice. Nothing loud, intrusive or even threatening. And then that image. No one else sat in the saddle as gracefully as that. He would say proudly. And beautifully. Yes, beautifully. His heart was pounding. It was up to him to accept the offer. Was Ralf really the “bad guy”? Was he up to something again? Dennis had no answers to these questions. But at least he was being warned, to pay close attention to what was happening.
“If you want,“ he said, not very politely. He didn't really want to say it like that, but his mistrust prevailed.
“Fine. Then come on,” Ralf said, setting his black horse in motion.
Dennis followed at a distance, along the path into the poplar forest that accompanied them to the Rhine.
Dennis watched the man in front of him lead the horse; the narrow waist, this graceful movement that resembled floating. Ralf was born to ride horses, he thought. They were one up front, rider and horse merged into a graceful unit. Dennis took a deep breath.
Despite the unplanned company, he felt comfortable, somehow. Why couldn't Ralf be his friend? Just like that, without the gay stuff around it? He could have lived with that, definitely. He didn't dare to see the future and the difficulties that such a one-sided friendship would bring with it.
When the desire grows stronger and stronger, to the point where you break down. Where you can't help but confess your love for the other.
They left the forest and the wide Rheinaue opened up in front of them. There was plenty of space to ride, most people weren't up yet, it was almost lonely out there.
Ralf stopped his horse and Dennis caught up with him.
The horses trotted restlessly on the spot.
“Shall we sprint?” Ralf suddenly asked.
Immediately, the red lights went on in Dennis' mind. What could that mean now? What could you do there? He felt strong enough to do a sprint, no doubt about it.
He took a deep breath. Should he take the risk? Billy is in top form, it can't fail with the two of us, he thought.
Yes, I'm game. Up to what?
Ralf smiled. Stunning, enchanting. Dennis began to discard all his doubts and accusations. If he was the one who was responsible for his accident, then at that moment it didn't matter at all.
“To the landmark?“ Ralf said, turning his head in the direction they were going.
“Great. And what about the winner?” Dennis wanted to know after all.
“Should there be one?“ Ralf asked in return.
Dennis wondered what he could have meant by that, but then just shrugged his shoulders.
“Should there be a winner after all? The prize is secret,” said Ralf, getting his horse into position.
The milestone was a kilometer away, right at the side of the road. Without a referee, it didn't make any sense anyway, but Dennis just went along with it.
He positioned himself directly next to him and looked ahead, then to Ralf on his right. Eye level. Those wonderful eyes, those sensual lips.
Ready, steady, go!
At the same time, the horses started to move, from a standing start into a furious gallop. The path was wide enough for the two of them, so they could concentrate fully on the track. The path was dry and there were only a few stones lying around. There were no water channels or other obstacles. And it was almost straight as a die.
Two plumes of dust rose behind them into the blue sky and the cheers of the two riders could be heard from afar. Driven by furies, they raced along the path, as if propelled by a mighty, invisible force.
The wind was cool as it hit them, the horses opened their mouths and shreds of foam were torn apart by the headwind.
Dennis leaned further and further forward, his upper body against the neck of his horse, like a jockey. Ralf did the same, and gradually they went into a frenzy. They sped up, driving their horses to the limit with their whips.
Then it came, the boundary stone approached them at breakneck speed.
The riders saw the same thing, experienced the same moment. The front legs of their horses passed through the dark shadow that the boundary stone cast over the path by the still low-lying sun at the same moment.
There was no winner.
Slowly they let their horses run out, only gradually slowing down their speed until they came to a halt.
The air was filled with the panting of the animals and riders, who only slowly returned from their intoxication. Without the cooling headwind, their faces and clothes became soaked with sweat. Hearts were pounding and mouths stuck together dry.
Ralf straightened his jacket and turned his horse in the direction from which they had come.
“Great. That was fun,” he gasped. ‘You too?”
Dennis nodded, panting for air, and turned Billy as well.
“We were neck and neck,’ Dennis said after several minutes of silence.
Ralf grinned.
“I said there wouldn't be a winner.”
“And what would have been his prize?”
Ralf looked at the ground, then into the distance. He pushed his helmet further back on his head and wiped his face with a handkerchief.
“What do you say we ride to the Schnakenwirt and have a drink?”
Dennis didn't even want to know the answer. Ralf had accepted that at least today they were equally fast and strong, and that was prize enough for him.
Yes, why not. If he's already open so early?
Ralf just nodded and slowly they rode towards the Rhine, where an old, small hut stood. You could take a break there; the day-trippers, anglers, riders, whoever. And because in summer the mosquitoes could become a big nuisance here, the hut was simply called the “Mosquito Inn”.
The sun was beginning to beat down as they reached the first trees on the banks of the Rhine again.
They got off and let the animals drink from the river, while Ralf sat down exhausted under a tree and leaned against the trunk.
Dennis did the same. They looked out at the ships, which chugged along evenly, and followed the small white clouds in the sky.
He would have liked to sit like that, next to Ralf, for the rest of his life. He turned his head to the young man and looked at him. Ralf had closed his eyes briefly and was sitting there very peacefully. No, it wasn't a one-time thing. I want it to be like this often, Dennis pleaded. Sitting next to you, very close, often. By day or by night, it doesn't matter. Rain, snow, heat – what can it do to me when you're with me? Nothing, absolutely nothing.
What are you thinking about?, Ralf suddenly interrupted the silence, which was only broken by the gurgling of the small waves on the shore.
What am I thinking? That that was nice.
Ralf plucked a plant stem out of the ground, shortened it and began to chew on the panicle. It looked funny as she bobbed up and down, back and forth.
So, did you like it?
Dennis just nodded, words began to bother him. They could destroy so much. Better to say nothing.
“Why did you want to come with me?“ he asked after all.
Ralf blinked at him.
“I just felt like it.”
“And if there had been someone else?” I mean...
“No,” his fellow swimmer interrupted him, ”I couldn't have raced against anyone like that. I would have won every time.”
“And you didn't want that today?”
Winning? Yes, sure. I always want to win, you know that, don't you?”
Dennis was getting restless.
“And what if I had won?”
“Then we wouldn't be sitting here now.”
Dennis leaned back again. Despite how he felt about Ralf, he didn't like this selfish behavior. He stood up, took Billy by the bridle, got into the stirrups and sat up.
“Where are you going?”
“I don't know if I like your attitude. Right now, I don't.”
Wait, I didn't mean it. Let's go get a drink, we can talk a little more.”
Dennis hesitated. Did it make sense? What could he lose? Nothing anymore. At most he could win, because he would tell Ralf once and for all what he thought of him, should Ralf continue talking along these lines.
The hut had just opened when they arrived. They tied their horses to the back wall and bought a bottle of beer from the old man. Dennis had never drunk alcohol so early, but there's always a first time, he thought.
They sat down on the large square stones at the edge of the water and drank a toast to each other.
Ralf took off his boots and socks and let the cool water wash around his feet. Dennis swallowed. Nice feet, he thought. As nice as the hands...
“You know,” Ralf started the conversation, ”I must seem like a snob to you. Conceited, selfish and vain. Right?”
Dennis listened intently, because that was exactly his impression.
“Yes, but you weren't always like that. Remember the early days?”
Ralf waved that off.
“Yes, but have you looked at yourself lately?”
Dennis jumped.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, how do you think it came about that I avoided you?”
I don't know. But I thought I did when I started winning all the prizes.
Yes, that's right. You had nothing else on your mind but riding, riding, riding. And then you started hanging out with that Mirko guy. He's just rich, nothing more.
Dennis wanted to protest, but then thought about what he had to say. Could there be something to it?
You don't have to say anything now, but maybe you'll think about how I felt. Suddenly everything was all about you. Dennis, the winner. The pretty boy who was pined for by the women...?
You were jealous?
Dennis took a big gulp.
Maybe not the right word, but I felt like an old broom that had been put in the corner.”
“Ralf, I didn't mean to, I promise. I thought you envied me all of this and?”
“What?”
Ralf blinked at him again.
Dennis finished the rest of the bottle. His courage was rising. Infinite courage.
Ralf, I suffered a lot from you avoiding me. Much more than you can imagine. Mirko stuck up for me, that's why he was always around me. I didn't have anyone else, as you surely noticed.
And why didn't you talk to me about it?
You kept out of my way all the time. If I had wanted to talk to you about it, I would have done it in private, not in front of a crowd or in passing.
Ralf crossed his arms behind his head and stared out at the water.
And what do we do now that we've learned this?
Quite simply, Ralf. I would like to have you as a friend. I've always wanted that. And I can offer you my friendship. You just have to say yes.
Ralf stood up uncertainly; beer in the morning was not his thing.
“I don't know if I want you as a friend,” he said quite loudly and belched rudely.
Dennis didn't know whether he found that repulsive or not.
“What do you mean, you don't know?”
“Well, the way I say it. I usually choose my friends and don't let them be foisted on me.”
Now the cup was full. After he jumped up, Dennis started screaming.
Listen. I'm not forcing anything on you, not at all. I made you an offer to bury this ungrateful war. That's it. But the Lord has no need of friends, he doesn't need any.
He felt the tears welling up in his eyes.
You don't have any friends, not even a girlfriend, I know that. And the question of why not? Well, just look at yourself. Listen to what you say. You can't stand to offend people who like you, and that's what you want and what you're good at. I don't even know why I'm still talking to you at all.
Ralf had listened without moving.
“Are you finished now?”
Dennis was boiling with rage. He took a swing and hurled the empty bottle out into the Rhine.
“No, damn it, I'm not finished yet. I loved you, you idiot. Yes, loved you. I would never get too close to you, but I wanted you close to me. To be with you, to be around you without getting on your nerves. I was happy the first time I was with you, like never before. And I tried hard at the tournaments because I did it for you. So that you would pay attention to me, not turn away.?
His voice became hoarse and louder.
But it doesn't matter anymore. Good, understandable, because now you have a reason to avoid me. You can't be with a gay guy, not you, who doesn't even have straight friends. Go and announce it, then you'll have achieved what you wanted. Then I'll be out of the club and you can win your prizes in peace. Be it granted to you?
With that, he stomped off to his horse with the appropriate amount of anger in his belly. As he climbed into the stirrup and was about to mount, a hand was laid around his waist.
“You don't have to help me up. Gays are quite capable of helping themselves,” he spat, trying not to turn around so Ralf couldn't see his tears.
He stood behind him, still holding him, saying nothing.
With a jerk, Dennis freed himself from the embrace, swung himself onto Billy's saddle and rode off without looking back.
His damp cheeks felt cool, pleasant, and yet it hurt. Was what he had done right? He didn't know. He tried not to think about anything. Tomorrow he would take his things out of the riding hall; there were other clubs in the area. Despite his anger, he was proud of himself.
He had told whoever he wanted to. Sandra and Ralf were just the beginning. His mother would hear about it today and tomorrow the people at work. He knew he had to get out of this second, false skin. The one in which he was known as a well-behaved, nice boy. Who of course had to be heterosexual.
He hadn't heard Ralf coming up behind him, but suddenly he was riding next to him.
“And how are you now?” he asked.
Dennis winced briefly, then he ran the back of his hand over his face. However, why shouldn't Ralf see the tears? There was no better proof that he was serious.
“How am I doing?” As if you still care. I feel sick, everything is spinning, I'm tired and I don't want to talk anymore.”
“Why are you so toxic?”
Dennis laughed painfully.
“Toxic? Me, toxic? Sorry, I can't laugh at that joke.”
“It's not a joke.”
Why are you even talking to a fag?
Ralf shook his head smilingly, but Dennis didn't notice.
See, you're doing it again. All I wanted to know was how you are.
I told you. Anything else?
Yes.
Ralf trotted quickly forward and stood in the way of Dennis and Billy. The horse whinnied and stopped.
“Hey, what's the idea? Get out of our way.”
“No. If you listened to me, you can ride on.”
“I don't want to listen to you anymore, damn it.”
“You won't have much choice.”
He gave in. It didn't really matter what Ralf had to say. He would take note of it and ride home, it was as simple as that.
Ralf crossed his arms in front of the saddle, leaned forward and started to talk calmly.
“You didn't let me get a word in edgewise earlier. I didn't even consider how you felt about me. I really thought you wanted to be alone in the spotlight and you didn't care about me at all. That I misinterpreted it? I'm sorry about that.
Dennis tried not to listen, but he didn't leave. Every single word penetrated his ears, sounding like the soft ringing of a wind chime.
That you love me... I didn't realize that either...
Yes, sure. I can understand that...
Please let me finish. For me it was the worst that you were suddenly attached to this Mirko.
Why was that bad? Besides, I wasn't attached to him. I never wanted anything from him.
Ralf's eyes widened.
No?
No, why is that so important?
The sun beat down on the two of them, sweat ran down their temples and the flies started to get annoying. Ralf got off his horse and stood next to Billy.
“Come on, get off.”
“Why?”
“Why not?”
Reluctantly, Dennis swung himself out of the saddle and came to the ground next to Ralf.
“Well?”
Without saying another word, Ralf grabbed Dennis by the neck and pulled him towards him. His eyes widened, he wanted to fight back, but he was paralyzed. For a few seconds he thought about his last minute, about the fact that everything was about to end.
He was the one who had caused the bang. He had probably also hoped that he would fall during the race. But the look in Ralf's eyes brought him out of his fear. Right over to the other side. They came closer and closer, Dennis? Tension dissolved more and more and then he let himself go. Falling into another world, which revealed itself to him through the warmth and softness of two lips.
He slumped down, letting Ralf simply hold him before he put his arms around Ralf's waist and clasped his hands on his back.
“Ralf?” he managed to say after what seemed like an eternity. ‘Why are you doing this?”
They were still hugging, and didn't care that two cyclists rode past them and stared at them so intently that they almost fell.
“Why?’ Ralf replied quietly. ”I love you, that's why.”
“Yes, but?”
Shh, don't talk now. Unless you don't want the first prize...?
They kissed again.
They rode slowly back on the path under the tall trees, whose leaves reflected the sunlight in dancing spots on their faces and bodies.
Dennis didn't mind that Ralf was riding in front of him and not next to him, or that they had to talk loudly to understand each other. He wouldn't have minded even if they had been heard from here in the riding arena.
“You love people who can stand up for themselves and fight back?” Dennis asked, his eyes shining as brightly as the sun.
Yes. I only knew from you that you were educated, could speak softly and pleasantly, and that you were quite pretty. Nothing more. That was not enough for me. But then all that happened and I thought you had started something with Mirko. That's why I avoided you. I didn't think you would talk to me again. And today, the race, that was a coincidence. And then a challenge. I would have found out today what was going on with you and him. That's all I wanted.?
?But how did you come to think that I was gay? You must have known that then??
?I didn't know that, I hoped so, night after night.?
?Then it wasn't you with the bang??
Ralf laughed out loud.
“No. I heard and saw you fall off Billy. But I knew exactly where it came from and ran. That was Gr?gers Kurt in his allotment. He wanted to chase away blackbirds.?
“Did you forbid him?”
Ralf coughed.
“Um... Yes.”
Dennis could now more or less imagine this “ban”.
“Oh?”
Ralf stopped his black horse and grinned to himself.
“What's the matter? Why aren't you riding on?” Dennis called to the front.
Ralf turned around in the saddle and laughed at him.
“Do all gay friendships actually start with a serious argument?”
Dennis laughed back.
I don't think so, but who knows what kind of omen it is...
Then the riding hall lay before them and Tiffy came running towards the riders, barking loudly. For a moment Dennis feared he would wake up from a dream.
He didn't wake up.
**End**