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Lovesickness in Italian

It was raining. After the priest had finished his words, it had become quiet. Many of Mum's friends had come to pay their last respects to her. Dad and I stood silently, staring at the coffin as it was slowly lowered into the grave.
Tears ran down my cheeks unchecked. Once again, memories of the good times before Mom was diagnosed with cancer came flooding back. I tried to focus on the beautiful things I had experienced with Mom.
And yet?the cruel word kept coming up?OVER.?there was nothing left. Mom had lost the fight against cancer. How do you say it so beautifully:> hope dies last.<
Mom had believed until the end that she would make it, even when the doctors had already given up on her. Her body was riddled with metastases. I visited her in the hospital as often as I could.
Even at the end, when she had been taken home at her own request, I often sat with her in the conservatory, where she enjoyed the spring sunshine, even though she hardly had the strength to say anything.
I would sit by her bedside for hours and read to her, love stories or crime novels, even after she had long since fallen asleep from exhaustion. That was until that particular afternoon, when she summoned an incredible amount of strength and pulled at my arm.
I will never forget how she, with tears in her eyes, said goodbye to me. A last “I love you” came from her lips and her eyes closed forever. Dad stood behind me the whole time.
I felt his hand on my shoulder. When Mom exhaled for the last time, the pressure of his hand increased, only to give way completely afterwards.
*-*-*
The car rolled to a stop in front of the house. Dad turned the key and the engine fell silent.
“We're here, Ragazzo!” he said and opened his car door.
I followed him and got out. After my mom's death, we moved to my father's home country. He and Mom had been planning to move to Italy for a long time and had bought a house there.
All of my dad's family live here, and it was all the more difficult for me now that Mum was buried so far away from us. When I visited my German grandparents during the holidays, I could visit the grave, said Dad.
We had a bit of an argument about it and hadn't said a word to each other in the last few hours during the drive here. The same was true when we got out of the car. I followed him, but didn't say a word.
A woman came running out of the open door.
“Marco? Sebastiano, you're here at last!” I heard her call.
Aunt Maria, Dad's sister. She seemed to fit the image of a typical Italian mom. She was short and fat. Without warning, she took me in her arms and hugged me.
It's a good thing I was a bit taller than her, otherwise I would probably have had trouble breathing with her build. She let go of me and looked at me.
“Are you all right, my boy?“ she asked and ruffled my hair.
I nodded. Aunt Maria turned to Dad.
“Hello brother!” she said and gave him a hug.
“Hello Maria,” came from Dad.
I stole a glance at Dad and saw tears running down his cheeks. Dad was not the type to show sad feelings; his sunny disposition was not normally capable of that.
But Mum's death had thrown him off balance. He was not only my father and legal guardian and father, but also my friend, because I could talk to him about anything.
Except for one tiny thing that I hadn't even talked to Mom about. I had realized that Mom would have suspected something, but she had never said anything. And now it would always remain unspoken.
I walked around to the back of the car and opened the trunk. I didn't feel like talking, I didn't want to think, so I tried to do something. Work that I usually avoided but had to be done.
So I started to clear the rest of the belongings that the van hadn't taken out of the trunk. A hand appeared next to me and I turned around.
“Hi,“ I heard Nicola say.
He was part of the family that lived in my aunt's house. I was surprised to see him here, as we rarely saw him during our visits. We used to play together a lot, but as you get older you develop other interests.
“Hi,” I replied and lifted out the next heavy bag.
“So it's official now, you're moving here?“ he asked.
“Yes,” I replied curtly, still not willing to make small talk.
“I'm sorry about your mother. Mom said you were good friends. She was really sad when the news reached us from Germany.”
“I didn't know that our mothers were friends,” I said, while I crawled deeper into the trunk of the car.
“Sebastiano, leave it to us. If you want, Nicola, take a walk around the neighborhood.”
That came from Aunt Maria, who was now standing next to the car with Dad.
“I'm just taking my stuff to my room,” I replied, still debating whether it was a good idea to hang around with Nicola.
My eyes fell on his scooter, which brought me to the next problem. I didn't have a vehicle like that. But as if Dad could read my mind, he suddenly pulled me by the arm.
“Sebastiano? I have something else for you.”
I looked at him in astonishment. He pointed to the garage and I followed him. After he had mechanically opened the door, I saw what he meant.
“I thought you could use it. It's not brand new anymore, but it's still in good working order.”
I couldn't believe it. There was a scooter in front of me.
“It's for me?“ I asked, confused.
“Yes, and it's got a full tank of gas, so you can take off right away,” Maria said.
“And it's been cleaned too,” added Nicola, who was now standing next to me.
I went to the scooter and slowly ran my hand over the seat to the handlebars. My own scooter? Wow! I was speechless. I turned around to dad who smiled at me.
I went up to him and hugged him.
“Thanks, dad!” I said and felt him hug me back. ”And sorry for grumbling at you earlier.”
“Already forgotten! Have fun then!”
“First my things, that much time must be.”
So I went back to the car and picked up my two bags. Nicola, still standing next to my father, shrugged his shoulders and suddenly started to move. He took one of my bags from me and followed me into the house.
I was met by the fresh smell of fruit. I stopped for a moment and looked around. Mama had been quite fastidious when it came to the interior. She had planned everything exactly.
And now I felt her presence in every corner of the apartment, as if she were really here.
“Is something wrong?” Nicola asked behind me.
I shook my head and headed for the stairs that would take me to my room. A few more steps and one floor up, and my kingdom was mine. When I got to my room, I immediately noticed that everything had already been unpacked and put away.
Except for the box that said “private,” everything was put away on the shelves and in the closet.
“I hope I connected the PC correctly,“ said Nicola, who was still standing behind me, waiting to enter my room.
“How come you helped?” I asked, putting down my bag.
Maria asked me to help her with the computer because she didn't know how to use it. And since I was there already, I also helped her with the rest. But I didn't touch the box, did I?
He pointed to the box I had just mentioned, on which I had written >private<. It was still taped up as I had put it in the van in Germany. It contained things that were really nobody's business.
Nicola put the bag down too.
“Do you still fancy going for a walk with me, or do you want to unpack the rest first?” Nicola broke my train of thought.
I had a few hours' drive behind me, and a breath of fresh air would do me good. And gradually I found Nicola interesting. Not only did he look damn good, but I had always thought that he was the absolute macho type, and that wasn't exactly my thing. Besides, he was a womanizer anyway.
At least that's how he presented himself. A typical Italian teenager. But since I arrived here, I couldn't see any of the things he usually did.
“No, let's take a ride, I have a license, so it must pay off?”
So I followed him downstairs again.
“I'll be out and about with Nicola,” I called and was out.
I walked slowly to my scooter. My first of my own. On the seat was a new helmet, just as blue as the Vespa. I took it off and sat down on the scooter. It was an uplifting feeling.
Mom would have been very happy and would have taken a few laps with me. But she was with me now and that's all that mattered. I pulled the helmet over my head and turned the key.
With a little rattling, the Vespa started. I pressed the throttle a little and it hopped away from me and died down again. Nicola laughed and put on his helmet as well. I repeated the procedure and this time I was able to slowly roll out of the garage without any problems.
“Where do you want to go anyway?” I asked Nicola.
He realized that I had said something, but he hadn't understood it. So he rolled up close to me and pushed up the visor.
“What did you say?”
“I asked where you want to go?”
“Oh, I see. Just drive around a bit? Maybe get an ice cream?”
“Good idea! Let's go then!”
Together we rattled down the driveway, directly onto the street. I quickly got used to the thing under my butt. I felt the light wind on my bare arms.
It was glorious. Nicola sped ahead without even looking back. I, on the other hand, followed him at a leisurely pace and enjoyed the ride. After a while, though, I got bored. I turned the throttle grip hard and my Vespa chugged off.
It was a bit noisy, but it pulled away happily. The distance to Nicola narrowed and, thanks to the sound of my engine, he even turned around this time.
“Well? Like it?” he called to me.
I nodded. A little ahead of us, I could read the sign ‘Mare’, which Nicola followed. The sea. I spent a lot of time at the sea with my mom; she often went for long walks with me there. I followed Nicola silently.
Suddenly he slowed down, braked. I did the same. A parking lot appeared in front of us, where I could see some scooters. Nicola steered his scooter right there.
He stopped and got off. I rolled right next to him and turned the key. My engine died. I took off my helmet.
“Have you been here before?” Nicola asked.
It looks familiar, I don't know?”
“Come on, lock up, there's an ice cream stand over there,” said Nicola and started walking.
The sand already started here. Nicola was wearing his beach flip-flops, while I was still wearing my sneakers. I quickly realized that it was very uncomfortable to walk in them. I stopped and took off my shoes and socks without further ado.
I felt the sand under my feet again for the first time, how grains of sand made their way through my toes. And there they were again, the memories. I sighed. Everything reminded me of Mom, I couldn't even do anything about it.
“Sebastiano?” I heard Nicola call and looked up.
“Are you okay?“ He asked and came back the few steps to me.
“I'll be fine!”
He put his arm around me.
“Hey kid, you'll be fine,” he said and pulled me towards the ice cream stand.
Once there, I quickly realized why Nicola wanted to be here. There was a whole bunch of teenagers gathered around him. And they all seemed to know Nicola well. They greeted him warmly and gave him a big hug.
Apparently I was forgotten, because Nicola made no move to introduce me. I went to the ice cream stand and looked at the billboard. The man behind the counter asked me what I wanted.
Sometimes it's good to grow up bilingual. I ordered my ice cream in almost perfect Italian. Nicola was now completely surrounded. I heard him say something and the whole group laughed. That was the Nicola I actually knew.
The pure macho. I paid and grabbed my shoes. After a quick glance at the pack, I decided to go for a walk. I walked past them, and no one took any notice of me. I walked down the beach until I reached the water.
Light waves lapped around my feet. Still quite cold, I noticed. I looked to both sides and couldn't decide which direction to go. My ice cream tasted great and my eyes wandered out to sea, where I could see some ships.
Loud laughter behind me woke me from my daydream and I turned my head. Nicola was still surrounded, throwing around snappy remarks. His movements, the way he presented himself now, was quite different from before.
I just started walking, not paying attention to the direction I was taking. During the week, there wasn't much going on here at the beach anyway. Most people worked and only came out here on weekends.
There were a few umbrellas on the beach and a few people scattered here and there, but otherwise there was no one around. The only source of noise was the group behind me. I looked at the ground and saw the water lapping at my feet.
Strangely enough, I wasn't thinking about Mum, but Nicola was on my mind. He wasn't really my type, but suddenly I found myself thinking about his appearance.
He was a little shorter than me, had the typical dark hair that many Italians had. You could tell that he played soccer. Another thing I couldn't do with.
I preferred swimming. At home I was in the swimming club? at home? well? now my home was here. From today on I lived here in Italy with my dad.
*-*-*
I let the scooter roll slowly up the driveway until I came to a stop in the garage. Dad had already cleared the car, and it was also already in the garage. I put my helmet on the bench and walked through the small door at the end of the garage into the garden.
Here, too, everything had already been laid out. At the end of the property grew a few pine trees, which would certainly provide nice shade in the summer. In the middle of the garden, the pool dominated the picture.
Surrounded by flowerbeds, the water lay quietly. The late sun shimmered on the surface.
“Back already?” I heard Dad's voice behind me.
He was sitting on the terrace with a coffee cup in his hand.
“Yes,” I replied, ‘I just wanted to tidy up something in my room.”
“Where is Nicola?”
I ran up the few steps to the terrace and dropped down onto a chair next to Dad.
“Still at the beach?’ ‘No, I'm back.’ ”There were a few friends of his.”
Dad looked at me penetratingly.
“Sebastiano, I know it's hard for you, but you'll also find friends here.”
What did he mean by “here, too”? I didn't have any friends in Germany either. Sure, I knew a lot of people through the swimming club and from school, but real friends? No, I didn't have any of those.
“No problem, Dad,” I replied and got up again.
I entered the house and for the first time saw the living room, with furniture from Germany. The room was perfectly laid out, as if Mom knew exactly what would fit in here.
I crossed the living room and came to the hallway. I took off my shoes and put them next to Dad's. I ran up the stairs in my socks and closed my bedroom door behind me.
The shops were almost closed, but I could still feel the warmth coming in from outside. I decided to take a shower. The long drive and the walk on the beach had left their mark.
I took off my shorts and shirt and went into the bathroom. There was another box here that had not yet been unpacked. So I decided to finish that too. I put my underwear away in the small cupboards.
You might think I'm a slob if you saw the contents of my cosmetics, but I didn't care. So I put the pots and bottles on the shelf and put the creams in the cupboard.
I grinned to myself, thinking of my mom, who often stood in my bathroom trying out my things and discussing the effects and uses of them with me. When the box was empty, I folded it up and put it outside in the hallway.
I heard a bell downstairs, but I wanted to take a shower now. I turned on the water and closed the shower cubicle behind me. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the warm water trickling over my body.
I don't know how long I had been in the shower, but suddenly I had the feeling that I was being watched. I turned around and saw someone standing at the door, blurred through the polished glass of the shower cubicle.
I carefully opened the door a crack to see who was standing there. Nicola was standing there, leaning against the doorframe, with a broad grin on his face. What was that supposed to mean? He turned around and disappeared.
I turned off the water and left the shower. Still wet, I grabbed a towel, wrapped it around me and left the bathroom. Nicola had made himself comfortable on my bed.
“Why did you run off so quickly?” Nicola asked, scrutinizing me.
“Um... I had the feeling... oh well, it doesn't matter...”
Nicola looked at me questioningly.
“Hey, they're your friends,” I said, slowly forming a puddle.
Nicola stood up.
“Sorry, I didn't realize that. I just suddenly noticed that you were gone.”
Aha, they noticed that I was gone.
“Hey, I've only been here a few hours, we'll have plenty of time to go to the beach.”
Nicola was now standing right in front of me and had a stupid grin on his face. I was still dripping and slowly I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. He tapped his finger on my naked chest.
“Right!”, was all he said.
He just stood there and grinned at me. What's the point of this nonsense now?
“I'll put something on,“ I said, and headed back to the bathroom.
“Are you cold?”
“No, but I'm leaking out here,” I replied.
His gaze fell to the floor, where a small puddle of water had already formed. Only now did I see that there was a bulge under the towel, which told me that my thing was at half-mast.
Was I completely stupid now? What was stimulating about this scene? My eyes wandered back up, where I saw Nicola's still grinning face.
Without saying a word, I ran back into the bathroom. I threw the towel over the sink and opened one of the cabinets.
“Do you feel like going out tonight?”
I sat up, startled. I hadn't noticed that Nicola had been following me. His eyes fell on my nakedness and his eyes went wide. If there was one thing I knew about my body, it was that I was well endowed.
I quickly put on a pair of boxers as if nothing had happened.
“I don't know yet, I'll have to ask Dad.”
The stiffness in his gaze dissolved and for the first time I noticed an embarrassment in Nicola that I had not yet experienced.
“I'll be downstairs waiting for you.”
And he was gone. I grinned to myself and ran back to my room. I looked at the bags with my clothes. I didn't really feel like going through them anymore. I grabbed the big one and opened the zipper.
One after the other, I pulled out several things at once until I had found something suitable for me. Freshly dressed, I felt much better. I slipped into my sneakers and walked back down.
Nicola was sitting with Dad on the terrace. They were talking about some work to be done at Aunt Maria's house. When I entered the terrace, both heads turned to me.
“I've already asked your dad, he doesn't mind if you go out tonight,” Nicola said.
I looked at Dad.
“Hey Junior, you can really go out. I still have enough to do with unpacking... I have something to do. Maybe I'll go over to Maria's later, too?”
“Thanks,“ I said.
“You're welcome,” Dad smiled at me.
Nicolas' gaze wandered from me to Dad and back again.
“So what's on the agenda now?” I asked.
“Um, actually nothing yet, we're meeting the others at Gino's around eight,“ Nicola explained.
The others? His friends. Oh well. Just sitting around at home wasn't a solution either.
“Hungry?” I asked.
A unanimous yes was heard from the two gentlemen.
“I guess Aunt Maria also filled our fridge,” I said, and entered the house again.
For the first time, I also saw the kitchen. This one was brand new, because the old one from Germany was no longer usable. Here, as in the rest of the apartment, Dad hadn't skimped on technology either.
I pulled open the large refrigerator and my eyes fell on nothing but tasty-looking things. Auntie knew what men like to eat, I remarked with a grin. By now, Dad and Nicola had followed me.
*-*-*
Unlike at noon, I was introduced to the crowd this evening. I even knew some faces from before. The “Gino” was actually “just” a bar. But from their point of view, it was something special.
Since the whole town met here and young and old didn't necessarily want to sit together, it was divided into two parts. The downstairs was for the old, the upper floor was left to the young.
But with the heat, we were sitting outside with the scooters anyway. I had a Coke in my hand, sipping it and listening to the conversations of the others. It was about a party that apparently was supposed to take place at the end of the holidays.
“If they think I'm going to dance my ass off like last year, they're dreaming,” said the girl next to Nicola.
“You're just made for it, darling,” said Nicola, putting her arms around her.
I looked at them a little enviously.
“Could you talk to the committee and get them to plan something different? If only I could audition for something modern, or with someone else.”
She looked at Nicola with her big doe eyes.
“I'll see what I can do, but I can't promise anything.”
And who would you like to dance with, Angela? And what? another girl asked.
This Angela was still leaning on Nicola and seemed to be keeping it up. I sighed inwardly. I knew that Nicola liked girls and so it was clear that he probably had a girlfriend.
I would be tempted by something Latin American, Angela answered and let her eyes wander through the group, but with our guys you can forget it!
The girls giggled and the boys made faces.
What kind of festival is this? I asked into the silence.
“The Feast of Mary. Do we celebrate it every year at the end of our vacation?“ explained the guy next to me, whose name I didn't know either.
“Tino?” he said, raising his hand as if he had read my thoughts.
“Sebastiano?“ I replied, shaking his hand.
“And what do you have to dance there?” I asked Angela directly.
Oh, some stupid folk dance.
Alone?
Yes, but I don't feel like it anymore.
The group fell silent. It was actually strange for about ten people, but everyone listened to what I said.
And what did you mean by 'you can forget about the guys'?
That none of our beauties here can dance.
The girls grinned again, the rest looked annoyed.
“What do I have to be able to dance for?” Nicola grumbled, waving his hand.
“Because maybe I want to dance with you?”
It wasn't a question, but rather a statement. From the looks on the guys' faces, I could see that dancing wasn't exactly at the top of their list of favorite things.
“It's not that hard,“ I blurted out.
All eyes turned to me in astonishment.
“You can dance?” Angela asked in amazement.
“Um... I had dance lessons at a dance school in Germany.”
“Ballroom or Latin?”
Oh dear, I had gotten myself into something now. Nobody here seemed to have any idea what Angela and I were talking about. Well, maybe the girls, at most.
Both: “Cool.” “Beginners' course?”
“No. I've taken a few courses.”
I suddenly felt uncomfortable. The guys stared at me strangely. Except for Nicola, who kept grinning to himself.
“Fabio, turn on the jukebox,“ Angela suddenly called.
One of the guys got up and went to the jukebox, which was outside near the entrance.
“And pick something hot!”
Somehow I just realized that Angela and Nicola were probably the bosses of the group here.
“What are you up to?” Nicola asked.
“Check out your buddy,” came promptly from Angela.
Shit. Not here in front of everyone. Music started playing. A bit older, but quite fast, just as Angela wanted. She wriggled out of Nicola's grip and stood in front of me.
“So, now show me what you've got!”
A bit embarrassed, I stood up. All eyes were on me. I handed my coke bottle to the grinning Tino next to me.
“Fox?” I asked.
She nodded. When I put my hand on her hips, the others started giggling and whistling. Just don't panic, just do the dancing I had learned. I was amazed because Angela was easy to lead.
She danced along with all the steps that occurred to me. By now, I was only listening to the music. I let the sounds and the beat wash over me and spun around with Angela. The song ended much too quickly for my taste.
After a split second of silence, the others started whooping and clapping loudly.
“Hats off, Sebastiano. You're a great dancer!” I heard Angela say.
I felt the blood rush to my face.
“Thanks, but you're good too.”
The others laughed.
“Stop laughing. You can learn something from Sebastiano here. Anyone can run around on the field and play ball!”
Oh dear. The laughter stopped. At least the boys stopped laughing. The girls grinned. Nicola no longer grinned. But I couldn't really interpret his look. Was he angry with me or with his sweetheart?
Sebastiano, you have to teach our boys, one of the girls called and suddenly there was horror on the boys' faces.
“Cool idea,“ said another girl.
“Erm... I'm not that good,” I stuttered.
“Don't understate it,“ said Angela, who snuggled up to Nicola again.
“Do you have something bigger in mind?” Nicola piped up.
You know me, don't you, sweetheart?” Angela purred and kissed him on the mouth.
I took a deep breath and sat down next to Tino again, who handed me my coke. Man, what had I gotten myself into here? Suddenly I was the center of attention. Everyone was silent and waiting for an explanation from Angela.
But she was devoting herself to Nicolas' lips, which brought me back to the realization that Nicola was taboo? well, and also out of reach.
“You're hatching something. Your request?” I should talk to the board, wasn't that the plan?, I heard Nicola say.
Angela smiled broadly.
And what thoughts are going on in that little head?, Nicola kissed Angela's forehead, “around?
Angela turned to the others.
Haven't you seen those formation dances on TV, I think they're hot!?
A general shaking of heads went around. Only a few nodded.
“You want what?“ Nicola asked in horror.
“To do formation dancing,” Angela replied.
Silence. The girls looked at each other and nodded.
“We're in,“ one of them said.
Angela's head turned to Nicola. I wouldn't like to be in his shoes right now.
“What?” Nicola asked, annoyed.
“What do you think of it?”
Nonsense. I'm not going to jump around like a fool, ouch.?
Ow, that had hurt. Angela had given him a good elbow in the side.
“Don't be such a baby!” Angela hissed.
Nicola fell silent. The others were silent too, only the girls grinned. None of the boys dared to say anything and suddenly I felt the gaze of Angela.
“Sebastiano, what do you think of the idea? Would you join in?”
Oh shit, I had suspected it. Either I was killed by several male eyes at once, or I was celebrated by the female counterparts sky-high jubilant.
? Um? I don't know? I can only speak for myself? I like to dance.?
Nicolas gave me a reproachful look. But what should I do? Angela, on the other hand, was pleased.
?Is it difficult to learn??, Tino asked next to me.
?Tino!? Nicolas said reproachfully.
?You can ask, can't you??, Tino said quietly.
I ignored Nicola now and turned to Tino.
“Once you've mastered the basic steps, the rest will be easy. Besides, formation dancing is rehearsed. Every step is predetermined and can therefore be learned.”
“I see, that's experience talking,” I heard Angela say, ”so are you going to do it?”
I understood this question more as an order. Everyone should participate, there was nothing left for the boys to do but join in. I didn't necessarily want to mess with Angela either. I'm sure everyone here thought the same way.
“I guess we have no choice,” Nicola grumbled, which earned him another nudge.
*-*-*
It took me a moment to realize where I was. In my new room. It was late because Angela had overwhelmed us with her ideas, while I was secretly thinking, what else does she want to do?
Nicola hadn't said a word to me that evening. But our eyes met quite often during Angela's explanations. My sympathy for him increased, but he remained out of reach for me.
The others were quite nice. I stretched and yawned heartily. I liked the idea Angela had picked up. Ballroom dancing. Mum liked to dance; she often danced with me when I was little.
She dragged me to dance lessons, never missed a party where I could have danced. I turned my head to the side, where there was a small picture of her. Her with me on the beach, me in her arms, at sunset.
“I miss you terribly.”
With tears in my eyes, I sat up and took the picture.
“I don't know what to do? otherwise I could always come to you. You always knew the answer?”
A tear dripped onto the picture and slowly ran down the glass.
“Even if she was only there to comfort me?”
I wiped the tears from my eyes.
“I love you, Mom,” I said, and put the picture back.
I got up and went to the balcony door. The sun was already high and it was still quiet in the house. I opened the door and stepped outside. Mom had always wanted to live here.
And now I enjoyed the view alone. I felt a little chilly, although the sun was already shining brightly. The wind blew through my hair and caressed my skin. It felt like someone was stroking me.
I don't know why, but I looked up? at the sky. It was a bright blue color that covered the whole field of vision. The blue stretched to the horizon, where it ended at the mountain ridges.
My gaze lowered, wandered into the garden. I should get dressed and see what Dad was doing. I re-entered my room, but left the balcony door open. Outside the house, I heard a scooter noise.
I ran to the front of the house and looked down. Nicola was just getting up on his scooter. What's he doing here? My eyes caught the clock radio. 10:41. Well, it wasn't early anymore.
Yawning, I ran downstairs. I was just opening the front door when Nicola was about to ring the bell.
“Well? Did you see me coming?” a surprised Nicola greeted me.
“Yes? Good morning,“ I said and ran towards the kitchen.
Nicola entered the house and closed the door behind him. Dad didn't seem to be there, which was confirmed by a note on the counter.
“With Maria. If you're hungry, just come after me, we'll eat there.” Dad
I turned on the coffee machine.
“Would you like a coffee too?“ I asked Nicola, who had now also come into the kitchen and was staring at me.
“What?” I asked.
“I was just wondering when I last saw you like this.”
“Like what?” I asked, looking down at myself.
I was embarrassedly moved to realize that I was only wearing my sleep shorts, which didn't look very flattering.
Have you been doing sports? I don't remember you being so well built.
My blood rushed to my head. Nicola was complimenting me on my appearance. I turned to the cupboard.
Have you been in a swimming club? Dancing? Do you want a coffee now? I tried to play down the matter as meaningless.
Yes? It looks good on you.
Shit, he didn't let up.
“You do what you can. Thanks,” I replied. ”Milk and sugar?”
I pulled two cups out of the cupboard.
“Black!”
Black like his hair, which spread curly over his head. Actually, you would think that when you took off the helmet, every hairstyle would somehow hang flattened. Not so with Nicola.
His curls fell loosely and lightly down his head, swinging with every movement Nicola made.
“So you like Angela's idea?” he suddenly asked.
I turned around and looked at him. There was no smile on his lips, but he didn't seem serious either.
“Yes, sure! I love dancing more than anything.”
Nicola looked briefly at the floor and then let his eyes wander around the kitchen. Behind me, the coffee machine started up and ground the coffee beans.
“Is something wrong?“ I asked.
He still didn't look at me, his eyes went towards the window.
“I wanted to ask you... if you... oh forget it,” he stammered.
“What? Say it!”
He now looked at me again. His cheeks turned slightly red.
“Can you teach me how to dance?”
It took me a second to process the question I had just heard. And then I started to laugh uncontrollably. Nicola grimaced.
“Sorry? Yesterday you weren't exactly thrilled by the idea, and today you want me to teach you?!”
He shrugged his shoulders. My God, the guy looked cute when he was at a loss.
“It was Angela's idea.
And I'm really supposed to teach you how to dance?”
“Yes. You're so good at it!”
“Well, I just know what I learned in the dance classes.”
No, it's obvious you love dancing. You put a lot more into it. I saw that when you were dancing with Angela. And how do you imagine it?
You said something about the basic steps?
I exhaled.
That's a lot.
I have a hard time remembering things.
You have to have a sense of rhythm.
Are you going to do it or not?
Are you doing this or not?
I'll get dressed, I said.
Why?
Because I don't want to dance across the carpet in my sleep shorts.
Why not, it would certainly be fun, Nicola grinned.
Besides, I don't plan on walking with crutches tonight after you trample my toes with your shoes.
For a second, we couldn't even be heard breathing, then Nicola started to laugh uproariously. My God? Those dimples when he laughed, the guy was heavenly. But before I betrayed any emotions on my part, I ran upstairs to get dressed.
I was standing in front of my closet and just pulling down my shorts when a whistle behind me broke the silence. Nicola was standing in the doorway, eyeing me as I stood naked, somewhat self-conscious, in front of the closet.
I quickly grabbed a pair of boxers and, how could it be otherwise, I almost fell flat on my face while putting them on. Again, a loud laugh rang through the house.
“As skilled as you are at dancing, you're probably clumsy at everyday things,” Nicola grinned.
Only when a godly guy was near me. I quickly pulled the rest of my clothes out of the closet and put them on. A quick glance at Nicola showed me that he had taken off his shoes and was now standing in front of me in socks.
Oh, it seemed to have worked and the Lord was thinking about my well-being? I mean, he was thinking about my poor feet.
“What shall we start with?“ Nicola asked.
“I don't know, what would you like to do?”
For a brief moment, his eyes sparkled devilishly and I didn't know how to interpret that.
“Never mind, I don't know my way around...”
“Latin American?” “Mmm, then let's start with the Cha-Cha-Cha.”
You're the dance teacher?
*-*-*
I had been trying out the basic steps for over two hours. Nicola had them down too, but somehow there was a lack of harmony in his movements. For the thousandth time that morning, I took a deep, exasperated breath.
My feet were already hurting because the lesson was not without a few collisions. Of course, Nicola mixed up right and left a few times and stepped on my feet with full force.
“Let's try it differently,” I said, repeating the song on the CD player.
I stood across from Nicola and took on the role of the woman.
“Now, you put your right hand around my waist and take my hand with the other.”
Nicola giggled and pulled me close. For the first time, only a few centimeters separated our faces. I inhaled his scent, which alone made my knees weak.
A hand on the side, my hand in his warm, soft hand did the rest.
“Is something wrong?” Nicola asked seriously when I looked at him a few milliseconds too long.
“Um, not so close, otherwise you won't see your feet?”
Nicola immediately pushed me a little way away and I was able to breathe properly again.
“Better like that?” asked my willing student.
I nodded. I reached to the side and started the music. Right at the first beat, Nicola was on my foot and I howled. He couldn't seriously stop laughing. I stopped the music and went back to the beginning.
“Start the cha-cha-cha with your right foot!”
Nicola nodded and grinned. I started the music again and went back to my starting position. This time it went better, at least my feet were spared. I noticed how Nicola concentrated hard and counted the steps.
He also kept looking at the floor.
“Look at me!” I ordered, which worked because he looked at me.
'You're the man, you lead. When you dance with Angela, it's... Ouch?
I hobbled to the armchair and dropped down.
'Sorry, Sebastiano. I keep getting mixed up.
'I noticed that,' I replied reproachfully, rubbing my toes.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that. Can we try again? asked Nicola.
Annoyed, I stood up and pressed play on the music. Just as I had resumed my dancing position and was about to start dancing, a burst of laughter interrupted us.
'A handsome couple!' I heard, and Nicola and I moved apart.
“Oh hi? Dad, I didn't hear you?“ I stammered.
I really hadn't heard him.
“Hello Nicola? No wonder with the loud music?”
“Hello Marco?” said a frightened Nicola next to me.
“I'll teach Nicola how to dance?”
“Interesting?“ I've already heard about your plans,” my father began, “and you're the number one topic of conversation in town.”
“Nicola and I?” I asked, horrified.
Nicola looked at me, confused.
“No! Your plan to rehearse a dance as a group.”
“And what do people think of it?” Nicola asked.
Most of them are positive about your plan, although quite a few doubt that you will actually do it.”
“Positive, so? so. And whether we'll make it!
Of course we'll make it,” said Nicola, voicing what I was thinking. Dad had probably just sparked his ambition.
“If it's not too much trouble, do you think I could help you?“ my dad asked.
“What do you think?” I asked.
“You might teach Nicola how to dance, but what about the rest of the boys? Do you want to teach them all?”
I hadn't really thought about that.
“Loretta? I don't know if you remember her, she used to be our dance teacher here. She would help you.”
“Loretta?“ ‘Wow, I didn't know that,’ Nicola replied.
“If you've already found someone for us, would you also know a suitable room for us?” I asked.
“We've got that problem sorted out too,” my father said.
“We?”
“Yes, my sister, Nicolas' mom and I.”
Nicola looked at me again, confused.
“Don't look like that. We think it's a great idea and we thought we'd support you wherever we can. By the way, Nicola, your mom even said something about jerseys she could get for you.”
Wow, that was really awesome.
“Do the others know about this?“ Nicola asked.
“The ones we've reached, yes. You can take care of the rest. You're supposed to be at the old warehouse at two o'clock,” Dad explained.
Now I was really speechless. But so was Nicola. He just shrugged his shoulders a few times, but couldn't utter a word.
“Well, I'd better disappear again, I've still got a lot to do,” said Dad, and off he went.
My head was spinning with excitement. Nicola smiled at me.
*-*-*
It had worked, they had all come. They were all standing around their scooters, more or less, and saying nothing. Somehow they were all looking at me expectantly. I didn't understand that now.
I looked around, but there was still no sign of Angela. Another scooter came down the street and I recognized Nicola. But he was alone, and there was no sign of Angela.
“Hi guys, I've got the key,“ Nicola called out as he took off his helmet.
“Where's Angela?” I asked.
“Am I her nanny?” Nicola replied.
Oops, a faux pas. It seems the man was in a bad mood. Nina stepped up to Nicola.
“Hey, if I'm calculating right, we're still missing a guy,” she said.
Nicola looked around at the group. I quickly did the head count and if Angela comes, we'll be nine people. Besides Nicola, Tino and yours truly, there's only Christo, I think his name is.
“How about Fabrizio?” Nicola asked.
A general murmur began. I didn't understand anything that was being said here and asked.
Who is Fabrizio?
“Fabrizio is Angela's twin brother,“ Nina replied.
Yes, and?
Well, he's a bit weird,” Nicola answered my question.
What do you mean by weird?
Call Angela and ask her to bring Fabrizio,” Nina shouted as Nicola was about to answer.
Nicola made a face and took out his cell phone. It took a while.
“Hello Angela, this is Nicola. Could you bring Fabrizio?”
I noticed tension in Nicola, even though he had asked the question as normally as possible.
“No, I haven't forgotten, but there are only nine of us here with you, we're missing a guy... Nina suggested it? No, certainly not? Please ask him to come.”
Nicola's tone had become a little icier. Whatever had happened, it didn't help to spread good cheer here. Nicola ended the call and let the cell phone slide back into the side pocket of his trousers.
“Is he coming with us?“ came the quick reply from Nicola.
“All right?” I asked quietly.
Nicola raised his head and looked at me with sad eyes. He nodded but didn't say a word. An older woman whose face seemed familiar to me approached us.
“Hello Loretta!“ called Tino.
“Hello children,” came the reply from the woman.
So that was Loretta, the woman my dad had told us about. Nicola walked up the steps to the front door. He put the key in the lock and turned it. The door sprang open with a crack.
Tino helped Loretta up the steps, although she didn't look frail to me. We all followed them into the hall. I couldn't see Nicola anywhere, until suddenly the ceiling light came on.
He stepped out of a room where he had apparently found the light switch.
“And who has the music with them?” Christo asked.
Nicola slapped his forehead with his hand.
“Wait, I forgot,“ he called, and he was gone.
“So you want to put on a dance?” Loretta suddenly asked, letting her eyes wander over the group.
A general nod was seen. Loretta's eyes remained fixed on me.
“You're Marco's son, aren't you?”
I nodded.
You look a lot like your mother.
You knew my mother? I asked in astonishment.
You can drop the 'you', I'm just Loretta to everyone around here. Yes, I knew your mother very well, because her mother and I were very good friends.
Grandmother Fine? I asked, even more astonished.
The woman nodded. Outside, we heard a motor scooter and a little later Nicola entered the camp with Angela and a boy. Nicola had a large ghetto blaster in his hand.
“So, this is where the music is,” he shouted and placed the device on the floor.
At first glance, you could see that Angela and this boy, Fabrizio, were twins. They had the same hair color and their facial features were very similar. My eyes lingered on his eyes, which were also looking at me intently.
“Fabrizio, this is Sebastiano, who I've been telling you about,” said Angela.
He nodded at me briefly.
“Right, guys, let's get started,” Loretta said, ”so you can forget about the idea of learning ballroom dancing.”
But...,“ Nicola interjected.
“There isn't enough time to teach you something like that,” Loretta interrupted Nicola. “I would suggest that we learn a dance to modern music, where you can incorporate dance steps.”
No one said a word.
“What music?” I asked.
“If you don't mind, I brought a few pieces here,“ Loretta replied, which probably didn't go down well with some of them.
“Just relax and listen to it first,” said Loretta, handing Nicola a stack of CDs.
“Don't think just because I'm old that my taste is old too,” she added, while Nicola put the first CD on.
We waited eagerly to hear what kind of music was coming. Nicola turned up the volume and then stepped back a little. Suddenly, hard bass sounds reverberated through the hall before the music began. Wow, I really wouldn't have thought that Loretta's music was that contemporary.
A satisfied grin spread through the crowd and now almost no one could stand still and was tapping to the music. The song ended and again there was silence in the warehouse.
“Loretta, how come you like this kind of music?” Nina finally asked, and I had the feeling that everyone wanted to know.
“You young people probably think I only listen to arias and stuff like that. You're wrong. This music can't be bought anywhere, my grandson put it together on the PC, especially for you!”
We looked at each other in amazement.
“And how should this go now?“, asked Nicola.
“Who of you can dance at all? Maybe had dance lessons already?”, asked Loretta.
Except for my and Angela's finger, only a few hands went up tentatively.
“That's good for a start. You who can dance a little, stand here.”
Loretta bent down and drew some circles on the floor. Angela looked at me and I shrugged. We did as Loretta asked and stood on the circles. Even those who hadn't raised their hands before.
“No, not like that, you have to do something for the overall picture,” Loretta continued, pulling Tino out of his circle and swapping him with Nina.
After a few more changes, Loretta thought the overall picture was good. I felt observed and turned my head. Angela's brother Fabrizio was standing behind me. He smiled shyly at me and looked back at Loretta.
“Aren't we standing a little close together?” asked Christo.
No! Later on the stage in the community center you won't have more space either.
Suddenly I realized that we wanted to perform in front of people, lots of people. A shiver ran down my spine and the hair on my arms stood up.
“Are you cold?” Fabrizio whispered behind me.
I turned my head and whispered no. Fabrizio looked at me questioningly.
“Well, I'll show you a few easy dance steps to start with,” said Loretta.
She turned her back to us and really started to demonstrate a few steps. Despite her age, the woman was quite agile and I started to imitate the steps. Like me, the others also made mistakes as they tried it out.
But Loretta seemed to be patient and showed us again and again. Slowly but surely, I got the steps right and even dared to watch the others. It looked great already, that we almost did the same steps together.
“So now, let's do it with music!”
*-*-*
I dropped onto my bed, exhausted. My feet felt like heavy stones. Loretta had practiced with us for three hours. Tomorrow she wanted to show us steps that we would then dance in pairs.
My eyes fell on the window, where the sun was shining directly in. It was already low in the sky. I heard the front door downstairs.
“Sebastiano? I'm home.”
“I'm up here,“ I replied.
I heard quick footsteps coming up the stairs and a little later my father appeared at my open door. He wrinkled his nose.
“Boy, oh boy, it smells pretty bad in here!” he said.
Only now did I realize that I had simply kicked off my shoes and was lying there with smelly socks.
“Sorry, we danced for three hours,“ I said, getting up.
At least I tried to. My legs were lame, my feet like lead. My father walked past me and opened the balcony door.
“Thanks,” I said.
“So, how was the lesson with Loretta?“ my father said with a grin, sitting down on a chair.
“To be honest, it was good but really exhausting.”
“I would have been surprised if it wasn't.” “Your mother? I had a dance class with her.”
“Mom learned how to dance from her?”
“Yes.”
Right? It's no wonder. I'm completely exhausted, everything hurts.
I would suggest you fill your tub with water and lie down in it.
Good idea.
But first, take your shoes out onto the balcony and your socks?
Yes, I'll do that right away, I replied, as a flood of sock scent hit my nostrils.
I rose from my bed like an old man. My father went back downstairs and I followed his advice about the bathtub.
*-*-*
The sun was already close to the horizon when I arrived at the beach. I just felt like watching the sunset. I locked my scooter, took off my shoes and socks and put them next to the scooter.
Slowly, I wandered towards the water. The hot bath had really worked wonders. Would I wake up the next morning with aches and pains? So I walked down to the water and looked for a place to sit.
I slowly slid down onto the sand without taking my eyes off the sun. It looked glorious. The sky had taken on a red color and the setting sun was reflected on the waves.
I don't know how long I had been sitting there. I only suddenly felt how wet my arm had become. Tears were dripping down it. My thoughts were with my mother again.
I missed her terribly. I couldn't share everything I was experiencing with her anymore. I was sure she was up there somewhere, keeping a watchful eye on me. She was with me.
But only in my thoughts. I missed her hugs, the tousling of my hair. Her tickling attacks or just sitting together in silence. The sun blurred before my eyes.
I miss you so much, Sebastiano.
I jumped in fright and turned my head in the direction from which my name was called. Fabrizio was standing there. I wiped the tears from my eyes.
“Yes?“ I replied.
“Am I disturbing you?” he asked, which I shook my head at.
I looked out to sea again. Fabrizio sat down next to me.
“I actually wanted to do my evening rounds, that's when I spotted you,” Fabrizio continued.
I looked at him briefly and turned my head back towards the water.
“Just wanted to watch the sunset?”
Have you been crying?
I wiped my eyes again.
My sister told me what happened. I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I can kind of understand what that's like.
Yes,' I asked in a slightly sarcastic tone.
Maybe too sarcastic, because Fabrizio grimaced and looked at the ground.
“Four years ago, my father left,” he began to speak softly, ‘I miss him terribly.”
“That's not the same, well, gone is gone,’ I said.
Again I turned my head to Fabrizio and looked at him. Only now did I notice his small snub nose, over which a tear was flowing.
“I'm sorry, Fabrizio,“ I said and put my arm around him.
Fabrizio leaned against me as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
“You're right, it's not the same. You'll never see your mother again.”
“Yes,” I said, “but somehow she's always with me.”
I smiled because images appeared in my mind, together with my mom. I felt Fabrizio's warmth by my side and somehow I calmed down, a nice feeling spread inside of me.
“You must think I'm a crybaby,” I heard Fabrizio say meekly.
“Why, I was still crying a moment ago.”
That's true,” he replied, ‘it feels good.”
“What do you mean?”
“That I can lie in your arms.”
“Hey, it's nothing special.”
“It is to me, or hasn't anyone told you about me yet?”
“I don't know what you mean,’ I said, looking at him questioningly.
“Haven't you been warned about me?”
“Um... they said you were weird, but I prefer to make up my own mind!”
Fabrizio was still leaning against me without moving.
“I don't know if you'll still think that way when I tell you something.”
“Why, do you have skeletons in your closet? Are you part of the Mafia?”
Now Fabrizio started to laugh. It was a beautiful laugh, an infectious laugh. He broke free from my embrace.
“Have you ever been in love before?” he suddenly asked.
It was a question I had not yet asked myself. But now that it was in the room, I realized that I really was in love? with Nicola. But he was taboo for me and certainly had no interest in me either.
“Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you,” I heard Fabrizio say next to me.
Only now did I realize that I had been lost in my thoughts and had probably made him wait a little too long for an answer.
“No, you didn't? I just realized that I'm really in love with someone.”
“In Germany?”
??h? no, here.?
?So quickly??
I looked out at the sun again, which had now sunk a little into the water.
?Well? things like that happen? why are you asking anyway??
Fabrizio took a deep breath next to me and looked out as well.
?I've fallen in love with someone too? it's come out and everyone's heard it.?
There's nothing wrong with that, is there? The usual stupid comments, you're above all that, aren't you? I asked.
I could tell that Fabrizio was struggling with himself.
“Stupid comments?” Yes, but not like that.
“I don't understand.”
Fabrizio looked me straight in the eye. His bright blue eyes in the setting sun.
“I was wondering why you hugged me. Because I'm gay, I fell in love with a boy?”
I continued to look into Fabrizio's eyes, but didn't say anything. I had to digest what I had just heard first.
“You really didn't know? I'm sorry,” he said and started to get up.
“Wait!“ I said, holding on to his arm.
He looked at me briefly and let himself fall back. Now it was me who didn't quite know what to say.
“Doesn't it bother you?” The others in Angela's group all know, and Angela always insists that no one objects, but I don't really belong to it.
“No, it doesn't bother me,“ I said quietly.
“Really? Are you serious?”
“Would it bother you if I were?” I asked.
He looked at me.
“No, I don't think so. I know what it's like when everyone looks at you strangely. I don't really care who loves who.
?Good attitude!?
?That only a few have??
?I have it too.?
?You're an exception among the heterosexuals, then.?
?I didn't say that I'm heterosexual.?
Fabrizio looked at me with wide eyes. He seemed to have trouble understanding what I had just said.
?I'm gay too??
?Really??, was all Fabrizio could manage.
Do you know any other question besides 'really'?
Fabrizio was still staring at me.
Do you now know why I don't mind hugging you? I liked that too.
He was still sitting next to me, stunned.
You're pulling my leg, right?
Why? What reason could I have?
I don't believe this, somehow!
I sighed. I raised my hand, put it around Fabrizio's neck and pulled him towards me. Without resistance, he let it happen until our lips met. I didn't know what had possessed me to kiss Fabrizio, but I suddenly liked it.
My first kiss with a boy. Slowly, I came down, away from Fabrizio's face, who still had his eyes closed.
“Wow,“ I heard him say as he opened his eyes.
I blushed. I suddenly realized what I had just done and Fabrizio started grinning.
“May I ask who you have fallen in love with?” came unexpectedly from Fabrizio.
I suddenly felt embarrassed and my eyes dropped to the floor. He had been honest with me, so I should be too.
'In Nicola?' I said almost in a whisper, barely audible.
'What?', asked Fabrizio and started laughing loudly.
“What's so funny?” I asked, completely taken aback. ”What's there to laugh about?”
Fabrizio was rolling on the floor next to me with laughter. I was slowly getting annoyed. I confided in him and he laughed. Fabrizio slowly regained his composure and sat up.
“Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh at you, but apparently we have the same tastes,“ Fabrizio explained, continuing to laugh.
“You were also...”
Fabrizio nodded. Now I had to grin too. Meanwhile, the sun had almost disappeared, only a small edge was still looking out.
“And what will happen now? I mean, does anyone know about you?” Fabrizio asked.
I shook my head.
“I'm the first person you're telling this to? Really??
“Yes? really?, I said somewhat annoyed.
“So? I'm not telling anyone??
“Thank you?!?
“Do you want to tell someone??
“I wanted to??, I suddenly remembered guiltily.
“And why didn't you??
My mother got cancer? I didn't want to burden her?
Oh!?
Yes OH!?
Sorry? Do you really think it would have burdened her?
I don't know? I'll never know.?
And suddenly it was back, the sadness. Now it was Fabrizio who took me in his arms.
*-*-*