2025-07-11, 05:31 PM
Light fare
I put my suitcases on the bed. I looked sadly out the window; it was raining. Well, it was my own fault. If I hadn't been so pigheaded, I would never have ended up here. There was a knock at the door and it opened.
“Hello, Lukas?”
“Hello?”
That was Laura, she was responsible for me, was supposed to take care of me. As if I needed a babysitter, I'm seventeen after all.
Don't look so sad. You know what, let's just try to make the best of it, okay?
I nodded at her. Anorexia, at high risk, had the diagnosis in the hospital, after I had collapsed during sports at school. Now I was here, in a boarding school for anorexics.
Laura came over to me and put her arm around me.
“Look, Lukas, I know the beginning here is hard. We'll just try to make the best of it.”
She repeated herself and again I just nodded.
“Now you unpack in peace and then I'll show you a bit of the house and the surrounding area. Alexander, your roommate will surely appear soon.”
She looked at me again briefly, ruffled my hair before she left the room again.
Almost mechanically, I unpacked my two suitcases and stored everything in my closet. When I had emptied the suitcases, I simply pushed them under the bed. I was about to throw myself on my bed when the door flew open and two boys stormed into the room.
“Alexander, you scumbag, give me back my letter!
He didn't seem particularly interested, because he made no move to give the letter back.
“I just want to read what your chick is writing to you.”
“That's none of your business!”
The other boy kept trying to snatch the letter from Alexander, but suddenly they both stopped. They had noticed that they were no longer alone in the room. They were both staring at me.
“You must be the new guy?”
Alexander came to my bedside, I sat up.
“I'm Alexander and this guy next to me is Thomas.”
Thomas was thin, but I wouldn't call him a board. His muscles were clearly visible under his shirt.
“My name is Lukas!”
“Welcome to the 'Fressanstalt'!”
Alexander had raised his hand. Timidly, I reached for it and he shook like crazy.
“How much?”
I looked at Alexander in amazement.
“How much what?”
“How much you've got on you?”
“I don't know what you mean.”
“How much you weigh?”
I had to swallow, because I didn't really like talking about that.
“Ninety-four kilograms.”
I had said this very quietly, my head bowed to the floor.
“Wow, you're the absolute front-runner, we've never had such a light boy here before!”
Alexander and Thomas both started laughing. Anger rose up in me, what was this? Were bets being made on who was the lightest of the week? I jumped up, feeling sour.
“You don't give a damn about that, just leave me alone, understand?”
I ran to the door and wanted to run outside, but something held me back. Alexander.
“Hey Lukas, take it easy, we didn't mean it that way! Come on, stay here with us, each of us has been in the same situation as you, each of us!”
Sadly I looked at him and couldn't help myself, I started to cry.
“I'd better go then, I'll see you later for dinner?”
Without difficulty Thomas pulled his letter out of Alexander's hand and left us alone. Alexander still held my arm tight. And now he pulled at it too and took me in his arms.
“Hey come here, just cry it out, it'll do you good!”
The words he had softly breathed into my ear were followed by real torrents. I didn't notice how the door was opened again. Nor did I notice that Alexander sent Laura away again after she had heard from Thomas what had just happened.
“Don't you want to lie down, I'll stay with you too?”
I was unable to speak, just nodded slightly with my head. Alexander took off my leather jacket, which I still had on. Then he gently pushed me onto the bed, where I curled up like a little child.
“I wanted to eat, but I just couldn't make it, five minutes later at the latest it was all out of my system again.
“Finger in the mouth?”
I didn't need to fool myself, everyone here had the same problem as me. Dazed, I opened my eyes and saw Alexander blurred in front of me.
“Why?”
“What do you mean?”
Alexander looked at me questioningly.
“Why did you lose weight?”
“Me?” Good question! I could maybe show you a picture of me from a year ago?
He stood up and opened his closet. From the private compartment that everyone had in their closet, he pulled out something and sat down as if to me. He held a photograph in front of my nose.
“That was me at a hundred and fifteen kilos, the talk of the whole school.”
I saw a fat boy in front of me, who had no resemblance to Alexander here. A fat ring peeped out from under his T-shirt and his pants didn't seem to fit right either.
“That was you?”
I took the photograph in my hand and looked at it further.
“Yes! The reason I started losing weight. In the beginning, everything went smoothly. The kilos just kept dropping until I was at eighty kilos. Then it stopped.
And then?
I had given him the picture back.
I just stopped eating properly, I ate as usual and then spat it all out again. You can see the result here. At 1.83 tall, I now only weigh 45 kilos. Well, I've since gained four kilos again, but it was really hard.
I took a closer look at Alexander. His short, blond hair was gelled forward. His snub nose didn't distract from his blue eyes, which now looked at me cheekily.
“What's your story? What made you lose so much weight?”
I became embarrassed and looked away.
“So bad?”
I don't know if I can tell you this, you'll either laugh or not want to talk to me at all!
My voice was firm, which surprised me.
What could be so bad that I wouldn't want to talk to you anymore?
I did it for someone, I wanted to look good!
I looked at the wall, ashamed.
“That's no reason to be ashamed. Do you know how many people here have the same reason as you?”
“Would you do that for a boy?”
“Please?”
Of course, Alexander couldn't follow me, how should he know that I was gay. But that didn't matter either. I turned away from the wall and looked Alexander firmly in the eye.
“I'm gay. I wanted to lose weight so that I could attract the attention of a guy who hadn't taken any notice of me.”
“Successful?”
He seemed to be completely unconcerned by the fact that I was gay. I looked at him in astonishment.
“Were you successful?”
“No!”
The door was flung open again and slammed against my cupboard, which was standing next to the door. Another boy had burst into the room.
“Caught!”
Alexander turned around with a start.
“Jochen, you ass, how many times do I have to tell you to knock before you come into my room?”
Jochen didn't seem to be impressed; he grinned nastily to himself.
I just wanted to know if it was true that you had a new one in your room and you jumped him?”
Inevitably, I had to grin. I was lying on the bed, Alexander bent over me slightly, you could interpret that as if we had done something. Wait, Alexander jumping on me, was he gay too?
Of course, Jochen, you know I jump on anything with hair on its balls and don't sit on the tree by three.
That had sounded a bit sour.
A good advice, just close the door, but from outside!
Jochen seemed to have realized that he was unwanted. Quickly he had disappeared again.
So now you've met Jochen, a bit over the top, but really quite sweet.
Are you gay too? I mean?
Because Jochen just said I'd jump your bones.
Alexander started to laugh out loud, his head falling back. Now I had no idea what to think.
Let's put it this way, I am so... I am multicultural, a bit of everything. I don't want to commit myself.
He stroked my cheek tenderly.
In any case, you have calmed down a bit now. Do you feel like looking around here a bit?
Laura wanted to show me everything.
Of course, that's what she's there for. But I think she'd be happy if I took the job off her hands.
I feel sick!
Have you eaten anything?
I shook my head.
Then it's probably the excitement. Come on, I'll show you a nice place by the sea, and you'll probably feel better in a minute.
Without waiting for an answer, he pulled me out of bed and we were already in the hallway. He stopped in front of a door at the end of the hall and knocked. He still had my hand in his.
The door opened and Laura looked out.
“I'm going outside with Lukas, is that okay with you?”
Laura looked me up and down, and I noticed that her gaze lingered a little longer on our hands.
“Of course, but not too long, dinner is in an hour.”
“Don't worry, we'll be back on time.”
Laura smiled, said goodbye, and disappeared back behind the door.
“So, now we're signed out. Please remember to sign out with Laura every time you leave the house, otherwise there could be trouble.”
Before I could nod, Alexander was already pulling me downstairs. We met some boys on the stairs, but they didn't seem to pay us any attention except for a hello.
I looked at each of them closely and noticed that they were all so thin. After another hallway and another staircase, we came to an exit door. Alexander pulled me outside without letting go of me even once.
A fresh wind blew in my face and I took a deep breath.
“See, I knew the fresh air would do you good!”
Thank you. For what?
For being there for me, you don't even know me.
Lukas, listen up.
We're all here for the same reason. None of us has anything to hide. Everyone knows about the others. You're new, totally insecure, so why shouldn't I help you?
I'm not used to someone standing up for me.
Then get used to it quickly, that's how it always works here.
I smiled and blinked at the sun, the rain and clouds had disappeared.
That's more like it, I like you better like that!
Alexander grinned at me and walked with me down a path without letting go of my hand.
“Where are you taking me?”
“To my favorite place, I'm sure you'll like it, too.”
He pulled me through a small forest path that began at the property where the boarding school was located. Since the trees were quite dense, I couldn't see exactly where we were going.
Alexander stopped and stood in front of me.
“Now close your eyes. I'll guide you, trust me!”
I granted him his wish and closed my eyes. Now he took my other hand and seemed to be walking in front of me.
“Careful. There are stones here, just step on them.”
It was good that Alexander had warned me, otherwise I would have certainly crashed. I was still wondering if I should blink a little, just to see what the way was like now.
But Alexander forestalled me.
“So now stand still!”
He walked behind me and leaned on my shoulder from behind.
“And now open your eyes.”
Slowly I opened them, squinting against the bright sun. In front of me was a breathtaking panorama. Alexander had led me to a cliff and in front of me lay the sea.
The waves wildly whipped against the rocks, I felt the water as a fine drizzle that sprinkled my face.
“And, what do you say?”
I looked over my shoulder into Alexander's eyes.
“Simply awesome!”
*-*-*
I didn't really want to leave this magnificent sight. I loved the sea and had always enjoyed going there with my parents. Alexander had walked back with me.
It was dinner time and it was important that everyone was there on time. At first I thought we would all be sitting in a large hall on benches, with the supervisors somewhere up on a dais. But I was pleasantly surprised here.
Alexander led me to a counter where the dinner was set up. We he and I took a plate and cutlery. There was already a wide selection and I was really hungry.
When I was about to start filling my plate, Alexander stopped me.
“Only take what you can really eat, don't load up your plate unnecessarily, because then you'll end up running to the bathroom again anyway!”.
If I was still floating in the feeling of happiness, I was now back on the ground again. Alexander took two slices of bread, some sausage and a drink, then he looked at me. I looked around again briefly and decided to eat only one yoghurt tonight.
Alexander smiled at me and took an apple, which he added to my tray. Then we went to an archway that took us to the dining room. As I said, it wasn't a real dining room.
This huge room was divided into several levels, connected by small stairs.
“You can also do your homework here if you don't want to sit alone in our room!”
Alexander pointed to a table and I followed him there. I also really liked the many green plants that divided everything up. I could even see bookshelves and several computers.
“Well, how do you like our dining room?”
Thomas had come to us and sat down next to Alexander. I was distracted by giggling. A group of girls were sitting on a higher gallery, looking down at us. What I didn't know was that some of the girls also lived in the house.
Well, you couldn't really call it a house; it was more like an old fortress that had just been modernized. I looked at my yoghurt, undecided. Thomas smiled encouragingly at me
So I took my spoon and started eating. Alexander and Thomas explained the daily routine to me. I also learned that school was from Monday through Saturday morning. Afternoons were for homework, sports or hobbies, with one day a week set aside for therapy sessions.
I also learned the story of Thomas, who had gone on a kind of hunger strike because of his parents' many arguments. When he had finished his story, I realized that I had already eaten my yoghurt and apple.
Alexander was also finished.
“And how do you feel now?”
I listened to myself.
“I don't know, but I don't feel bad!”
“That's a start!”
We put our trays down to return them and left the room.
“Is it normal that none of the teachers or other staff pay attention to what we eat?”
I had been wondering why I hadn't seen anyone the whole time. I followed Alexander to our room.
“No, you shouldn't eat because of them. Everything here is based on trust, the only thing they check is your weight every other day. Otherwise, you only see them for classes or during therapy sessions.”
“And Laura?”
Laura is something like our housemother. We can go to her if we have a problem or just need someone to talk to. There's also Karl, who alternates with Laura, but you'll get to know him.
And that helps? I mean, you can get rid of anorexia?
Of course, look at me, I've been here almost two months and have already gained four kilos!
And how do I know how much I have to gain?
You will learn all of this in your therapy sessions.
And what about the lessons?
This is an open teaching method that is rarely found in Germany.
Open teaching?
I put my suitcases on the bed. I looked sadly out the window; it was raining. Well, it was my own fault. If I hadn't been so pigheaded, I would never have ended up here. There was a knock at the door and it opened.
“Hello, Lukas?”
“Hello?”
That was Laura, she was responsible for me, was supposed to take care of me. As if I needed a babysitter, I'm seventeen after all.
Don't look so sad. You know what, let's just try to make the best of it, okay?
I nodded at her. Anorexia, at high risk, had the diagnosis in the hospital, after I had collapsed during sports at school. Now I was here, in a boarding school for anorexics.
Laura came over to me and put her arm around me.
“Look, Lukas, I know the beginning here is hard. We'll just try to make the best of it.”
She repeated herself and again I just nodded.
“Now you unpack in peace and then I'll show you a bit of the house and the surrounding area. Alexander, your roommate will surely appear soon.”
She looked at me again briefly, ruffled my hair before she left the room again.
Almost mechanically, I unpacked my two suitcases and stored everything in my closet. When I had emptied the suitcases, I simply pushed them under the bed. I was about to throw myself on my bed when the door flew open and two boys stormed into the room.
“Alexander, you scumbag, give me back my letter!
He didn't seem particularly interested, because he made no move to give the letter back.
“I just want to read what your chick is writing to you.”
“That's none of your business!”
The other boy kept trying to snatch the letter from Alexander, but suddenly they both stopped. They had noticed that they were no longer alone in the room. They were both staring at me.
“You must be the new guy?”
Alexander came to my bedside, I sat up.
“I'm Alexander and this guy next to me is Thomas.”
Thomas was thin, but I wouldn't call him a board. His muscles were clearly visible under his shirt.
“My name is Lukas!”
“Welcome to the 'Fressanstalt'!”
Alexander had raised his hand. Timidly, I reached for it and he shook like crazy.
“How much?”
I looked at Alexander in amazement.
“How much what?”
“How much you've got on you?”
“I don't know what you mean.”
“How much you weigh?”
I had to swallow, because I didn't really like talking about that.
“Ninety-four kilograms.”
I had said this very quietly, my head bowed to the floor.
“Wow, you're the absolute front-runner, we've never had such a light boy here before!”
Alexander and Thomas both started laughing. Anger rose up in me, what was this? Were bets being made on who was the lightest of the week? I jumped up, feeling sour.
“You don't give a damn about that, just leave me alone, understand?”
I ran to the door and wanted to run outside, but something held me back. Alexander.
“Hey Lukas, take it easy, we didn't mean it that way! Come on, stay here with us, each of us has been in the same situation as you, each of us!”
Sadly I looked at him and couldn't help myself, I started to cry.
“I'd better go then, I'll see you later for dinner?”
Without difficulty Thomas pulled his letter out of Alexander's hand and left us alone. Alexander still held my arm tight. And now he pulled at it too and took me in his arms.
“Hey come here, just cry it out, it'll do you good!”
The words he had softly breathed into my ear were followed by real torrents. I didn't notice how the door was opened again. Nor did I notice that Alexander sent Laura away again after she had heard from Thomas what had just happened.
“Don't you want to lie down, I'll stay with you too?”
I was unable to speak, just nodded slightly with my head. Alexander took off my leather jacket, which I still had on. Then he gently pushed me onto the bed, where I curled up like a little child.
“I wanted to eat, but I just couldn't make it, five minutes later at the latest it was all out of my system again.
“Finger in the mouth?”
I didn't need to fool myself, everyone here had the same problem as me. Dazed, I opened my eyes and saw Alexander blurred in front of me.
“Why?”
“What do you mean?”
Alexander looked at me questioningly.
“Why did you lose weight?”
“Me?” Good question! I could maybe show you a picture of me from a year ago?
He stood up and opened his closet. From the private compartment that everyone had in their closet, he pulled out something and sat down as if to me. He held a photograph in front of my nose.
“That was me at a hundred and fifteen kilos, the talk of the whole school.”
I saw a fat boy in front of me, who had no resemblance to Alexander here. A fat ring peeped out from under his T-shirt and his pants didn't seem to fit right either.
“That was you?”
I took the photograph in my hand and looked at it further.
“Yes! The reason I started losing weight. In the beginning, everything went smoothly. The kilos just kept dropping until I was at eighty kilos. Then it stopped.
And then?
I had given him the picture back.
I just stopped eating properly, I ate as usual and then spat it all out again. You can see the result here. At 1.83 tall, I now only weigh 45 kilos. Well, I've since gained four kilos again, but it was really hard.
I took a closer look at Alexander. His short, blond hair was gelled forward. His snub nose didn't distract from his blue eyes, which now looked at me cheekily.
“What's your story? What made you lose so much weight?”
I became embarrassed and looked away.
“So bad?”
I don't know if I can tell you this, you'll either laugh or not want to talk to me at all!
My voice was firm, which surprised me.
What could be so bad that I wouldn't want to talk to you anymore?
I did it for someone, I wanted to look good!
I looked at the wall, ashamed.
“That's no reason to be ashamed. Do you know how many people here have the same reason as you?”
“Would you do that for a boy?”
“Please?”
Of course, Alexander couldn't follow me, how should he know that I was gay. But that didn't matter either. I turned away from the wall and looked Alexander firmly in the eye.
“I'm gay. I wanted to lose weight so that I could attract the attention of a guy who hadn't taken any notice of me.”
“Successful?”
He seemed to be completely unconcerned by the fact that I was gay. I looked at him in astonishment.
“Were you successful?”
“No!”
The door was flung open again and slammed against my cupboard, which was standing next to the door. Another boy had burst into the room.
“Caught!”
Alexander turned around with a start.
“Jochen, you ass, how many times do I have to tell you to knock before you come into my room?”
Jochen didn't seem to be impressed; he grinned nastily to himself.
I just wanted to know if it was true that you had a new one in your room and you jumped him?”
Inevitably, I had to grin. I was lying on the bed, Alexander bent over me slightly, you could interpret that as if we had done something. Wait, Alexander jumping on me, was he gay too?
Of course, Jochen, you know I jump on anything with hair on its balls and don't sit on the tree by three.
That had sounded a bit sour.
A good advice, just close the door, but from outside!
Jochen seemed to have realized that he was unwanted. Quickly he had disappeared again.
So now you've met Jochen, a bit over the top, but really quite sweet.
Are you gay too? I mean?
Because Jochen just said I'd jump your bones.
Alexander started to laugh out loud, his head falling back. Now I had no idea what to think.
Let's put it this way, I am so... I am multicultural, a bit of everything. I don't want to commit myself.
He stroked my cheek tenderly.
In any case, you have calmed down a bit now. Do you feel like looking around here a bit?
Laura wanted to show me everything.
Of course, that's what she's there for. But I think she'd be happy if I took the job off her hands.
I feel sick!
Have you eaten anything?
I shook my head.
Then it's probably the excitement. Come on, I'll show you a nice place by the sea, and you'll probably feel better in a minute.
Without waiting for an answer, he pulled me out of bed and we were already in the hallway. He stopped in front of a door at the end of the hall and knocked. He still had my hand in his.
The door opened and Laura looked out.
“I'm going outside with Lukas, is that okay with you?”
Laura looked me up and down, and I noticed that her gaze lingered a little longer on our hands.
“Of course, but not too long, dinner is in an hour.”
“Don't worry, we'll be back on time.”
Laura smiled, said goodbye, and disappeared back behind the door.
“So, now we're signed out. Please remember to sign out with Laura every time you leave the house, otherwise there could be trouble.”
Before I could nod, Alexander was already pulling me downstairs. We met some boys on the stairs, but they didn't seem to pay us any attention except for a hello.
I looked at each of them closely and noticed that they were all so thin. After another hallway and another staircase, we came to an exit door. Alexander pulled me outside without letting go of me even once.
A fresh wind blew in my face and I took a deep breath.
“See, I knew the fresh air would do you good!”
Thank you. For what?
For being there for me, you don't even know me.
Lukas, listen up.
We're all here for the same reason. None of us has anything to hide. Everyone knows about the others. You're new, totally insecure, so why shouldn't I help you?
I'm not used to someone standing up for me.
Then get used to it quickly, that's how it always works here.
I smiled and blinked at the sun, the rain and clouds had disappeared.
That's more like it, I like you better like that!
Alexander grinned at me and walked with me down a path without letting go of my hand.
“Where are you taking me?”
“To my favorite place, I'm sure you'll like it, too.”
He pulled me through a small forest path that began at the property where the boarding school was located. Since the trees were quite dense, I couldn't see exactly where we were going.
Alexander stopped and stood in front of me.
“Now close your eyes. I'll guide you, trust me!”
I granted him his wish and closed my eyes. Now he took my other hand and seemed to be walking in front of me.
“Careful. There are stones here, just step on them.”
It was good that Alexander had warned me, otherwise I would have certainly crashed. I was still wondering if I should blink a little, just to see what the way was like now.
But Alexander forestalled me.
“So now stand still!”
He walked behind me and leaned on my shoulder from behind.
“And now open your eyes.”
Slowly I opened them, squinting against the bright sun. In front of me was a breathtaking panorama. Alexander had led me to a cliff and in front of me lay the sea.
The waves wildly whipped against the rocks, I felt the water as a fine drizzle that sprinkled my face.
“And, what do you say?”
I looked over my shoulder into Alexander's eyes.
“Simply awesome!”
*-*-*
I didn't really want to leave this magnificent sight. I loved the sea and had always enjoyed going there with my parents. Alexander had walked back with me.
It was dinner time and it was important that everyone was there on time. At first I thought we would all be sitting in a large hall on benches, with the supervisors somewhere up on a dais. But I was pleasantly surprised here.
Alexander led me to a counter where the dinner was set up. We he and I took a plate and cutlery. There was already a wide selection and I was really hungry.
When I was about to start filling my plate, Alexander stopped me.
“Only take what you can really eat, don't load up your plate unnecessarily, because then you'll end up running to the bathroom again anyway!”.
If I was still floating in the feeling of happiness, I was now back on the ground again. Alexander took two slices of bread, some sausage and a drink, then he looked at me. I looked around again briefly and decided to eat only one yoghurt tonight.
Alexander smiled at me and took an apple, which he added to my tray. Then we went to an archway that took us to the dining room. As I said, it wasn't a real dining room.
This huge room was divided into several levels, connected by small stairs.
“You can also do your homework here if you don't want to sit alone in our room!”
Alexander pointed to a table and I followed him there. I also really liked the many green plants that divided everything up. I could even see bookshelves and several computers.
“Well, how do you like our dining room?”
Thomas had come to us and sat down next to Alexander. I was distracted by giggling. A group of girls were sitting on a higher gallery, looking down at us. What I didn't know was that some of the girls also lived in the house.
Well, you couldn't really call it a house; it was more like an old fortress that had just been modernized. I looked at my yoghurt, undecided. Thomas smiled encouragingly at me
So I took my spoon and started eating. Alexander and Thomas explained the daily routine to me. I also learned that school was from Monday through Saturday morning. Afternoons were for homework, sports or hobbies, with one day a week set aside for therapy sessions.
I also learned the story of Thomas, who had gone on a kind of hunger strike because of his parents' many arguments. When he had finished his story, I realized that I had already eaten my yoghurt and apple.
Alexander was also finished.
“And how do you feel now?”
I listened to myself.
“I don't know, but I don't feel bad!”
“That's a start!”
We put our trays down to return them and left the room.
“Is it normal that none of the teachers or other staff pay attention to what we eat?”
I had been wondering why I hadn't seen anyone the whole time. I followed Alexander to our room.
“No, you shouldn't eat because of them. Everything here is based on trust, the only thing they check is your weight every other day. Otherwise, you only see them for classes or during therapy sessions.”
“And Laura?”
Laura is something like our housemother. We can go to her if we have a problem or just need someone to talk to. There's also Karl, who alternates with Laura, but you'll get to know him.
And that helps? I mean, you can get rid of anorexia?
Of course, look at me, I've been here almost two months and have already gained four kilos!
And how do I know how much I have to gain?
You will learn all of this in your therapy sessions.
And what about the lessons?
This is an open teaching method that is rarely found in Germany.
Open teaching?