07-11-2025, 04:31 PM
Light fare
I put my suitcases on the bed. I looked sadly out the window; it was raining. Well, it was my own fault. If I hadn't been so pigheaded, I would never have ended up here. There was a knock at the door and it opened.
“Hello, Lukas?”
“Hello?”
That was Laura, she was responsible for me, was supposed to take care of me. As if I needed a babysitter, I'm seventeen after all.
Don't look so sad. You know what, let's just try to make the best of it, okay?
I nodded at her. Anorexia, at high risk, had the diagnosis in the hospital, after I had collapsed during sports at school. Now I was here, in a boarding school for anorexics.
Laura came over to me and put her arm around me.
“Look, Lukas, I know the beginning here is hard. We'll just try to make the best of it.”
She repeated herself and again I just nodded.
“Now you unpack in peace and then I'll show you a bit of the house and the surrounding area. Alexander, your roommate will surely appear soon.”
She looked at me again briefly, ruffled my hair before she left the room again.
Almost mechanically, I unpacked my two suitcases and stored everything in my closet. When I had emptied the suitcases, I simply pushed them under the bed. I was about to throw myself on my bed when the door flew open and two boys stormed into the room.
“Alexander, you scumbag, give me back my letter!
He didn't seem particularly interested, because he made no move to give the letter back.
“I just want to read what your chick is writing to you.”
“That's none of your business!”
The other boy kept trying to snatch the letter from Alexander, but suddenly they both stopped. They had noticed that they were no longer alone in the room. They were both staring at me.
“You must be the new guy?”
Alexander came to my bedside, I sat up.
“I'm Alexander and this guy next to me is Thomas.”
Thomas was thin, but I wouldn't call him a board. His muscles were clearly visible under his shirt.
“My name is Lukas!”
“Welcome to the 'Fressanstalt'!”
Alexander had raised his hand. Timidly, I reached for it and he shook like crazy.
“How much?”
I looked at Alexander in amazement.
“How much what?”
“How much you've got on you?”
“I don't know what you mean.”
“How much you weigh?”
I had to swallow, because I didn't really like talking about that.
“Ninety-four kilograms.”
I had said this very quietly, my head bowed to the floor.
“Wow, you're the absolute front-runner, we've never had such a light boy here before!”
Alexander and Thomas both started laughing. Anger rose up in me, what was this? Were bets being made on who was the lightest of the week? I jumped up, feeling sour.
“You don't give a damn about that, just leave me alone, understand?”
I ran to the door and wanted to run outside, but something held me back. Alexander.
“Hey Lukas, take it easy, we didn't mean it that way! Come on, stay here with us, each of us has been in the same situation as you, each of us!”
Sadly I looked at him and couldn't help myself, I started to cry.
“I'd better go then, I'll see you later for dinner?”
Without difficulty Thomas pulled his letter out of Alexander's hand and left us alone. Alexander still held my arm tight. And now he pulled at it too and took me in his arms.
“Hey come here, just cry it out, it'll do you good!”
The words he had softly breathed into my ear were followed by real torrents. I didn't notice how the door was opened again. Nor did I notice that Alexander sent Laura away again after she had heard from Thomas what had just happened.
“Don't you want to lie down, I'll stay with you too?”
I was unable to speak, just nodded slightly with my head. Alexander took off my leather jacket, which I still had on. Then he gently pushed me onto the bed, where I curled up like a little child.
“I wanted to eat, but I just couldn't make it, five minutes later at the latest it was all out of my system again.
“Finger in the mouth?”
I didn't need to fool myself, everyone here had the same problem as me. Dazed, I opened my eyes and saw Alexander blurred in front of me.
“Why?”
“What do you mean?”
Alexander looked at me questioningly.
“Why did you lose weight?”
“Me?” Good question! I could maybe show you a picture of me from a year ago?
He stood up and opened his closet. From the private compartment that everyone had in their closet, he pulled out something and sat down as if to me. He held a photograph in front of my nose.
“That was me at a hundred and fifteen kilos, the talk of the whole school.”
I saw a fat boy in front of me, who had no resemblance to Alexander here. A fat ring peeped out from under his T-shirt and his pants didn't seem to fit right either.
“That was you?”
I took the photograph in my hand and looked at it further.
“Yes! The reason I started losing weight. In the beginning, everything went smoothly. The kilos just kept dropping until I was at eighty kilos. Then it stopped.
And then?
I had given him the picture back.
I just stopped eating properly, I ate as usual and then spat it all out again. You can see the result here. At 1.83 tall, I now only weigh 45 kilos. Well, I've since gained four kilos again, but it was really hard.
I took a closer look at Alexander. His short, blond hair was gelled forward. His snub nose didn't distract from his blue eyes, which now looked at me cheekily.
“What's your story? What made you lose so much weight?”
I became embarrassed and looked away.
“So bad?”
I don't know if I can tell you this, you'll either laugh or not want to talk to me at all!
My voice was firm, which surprised me.
What could be so bad that I wouldn't want to talk to you anymore?
I did it for someone, I wanted to look good!
I looked at the wall, ashamed.
“That's no reason to be ashamed. Do you know how many people here have the same reason as you?”
“Would you do that for a boy?”
“Please?”
Of course, Alexander couldn't follow me, how should he know that I was gay. But that didn't matter either. I turned away from the wall and looked Alexander firmly in the eye.
“I'm gay. I wanted to lose weight so that I could attract the attention of a guy who hadn't taken any notice of me.”
“Successful?”
He seemed to be completely unconcerned by the fact that I was gay. I looked at him in astonishment.
“Were you successful?”
“No!”
The door was flung open again and slammed against my cupboard, which was standing next to the door. Another boy had burst into the room.
“Caught!”
Alexander turned around with a start.
“Jochen, you ass, how many times do I have to tell you to knock before you come into my room?”
Jochen didn't seem to be impressed; he grinned nastily to himself.
I just wanted to know if it was true that you had a new one in your room and you jumped him?”
Inevitably, I had to grin. I was lying on the bed, Alexander bent over me slightly, you could interpret that as if we had done something. Wait, Alexander jumping on me, was he gay too?
Of course, Jochen, you know I jump on anything with hair on its balls and don't sit on the tree by three.
That had sounded a bit sour.
A good advice, just close the door, but from outside!
Jochen seemed to have realized that he was unwanted. Quickly he had disappeared again.
So now you've met Jochen, a bit over the top, but really quite sweet.
Are you gay too? I mean?
Because Jochen just said I'd jump your bones.
Alexander started to laugh out loud, his head falling back. Now I had no idea what to think.
Let's put it this way, I am so... I am multicultural, a bit of everything. I don't want to commit myself.
He stroked my cheek tenderly.
In any case, you have calmed down a bit now. Do you feel like looking around here a bit?
Laura wanted to show me everything.
Of course, that's what she's there for. But I think she'd be happy if I took the job off her hands.
I feel sick!
Have you eaten anything?
I shook my head.
Then it's probably the excitement. Come on, I'll show you a nice place by the sea, and you'll probably feel better in a minute.
Without waiting for an answer, he pulled me out of bed and we were already in the hallway. He stopped in front of a door at the end of the hall and knocked. He still had my hand in his.
The door opened and Laura looked out.
“I'm going outside with Lukas, is that okay with you?”
Laura looked me up and down, and I noticed that her gaze lingered a little longer on our hands.
“Of course, but not too long, dinner is in an hour.”
“Don't worry, we'll be back on time.”
Laura smiled, said goodbye, and disappeared back behind the door.
“So, now we're signed out. Please remember to sign out with Laura every time you leave the house, otherwise there could be trouble.”
Before I could nod, Alexander was already pulling me downstairs. We met some boys on the stairs, but they didn't seem to pay us any attention except for a hello.
I looked at each of them closely and noticed that they were all so thin. After another hallway and another staircase, we came to an exit door. Alexander pulled me outside without letting go of me even once.
A fresh wind blew in my face and I took a deep breath.
“See, I knew the fresh air would do you good!”
Thank you. For what?
For being there for me, you don't even know me.
Lukas, listen up.
We're all here for the same reason. None of us has anything to hide. Everyone knows about the others. You're new, totally insecure, so why shouldn't I help you?
I'm not used to someone standing up for me.
Then get used to it quickly, that's how it always works here.
I smiled and blinked at the sun, the rain and clouds had disappeared.
That's more like it, I like you better like that!
Alexander grinned at me and walked with me down a path without letting go of my hand.
“Where are you taking me?”
“To my favorite place, I'm sure you'll like it, too.”
He pulled me through a small forest path that began at the property where the boarding school was located. Since the trees were quite dense, I couldn't see exactly where we were going.
Alexander stopped and stood in front of me.
“Now close your eyes. I'll guide you, trust me!”
I granted him his wish and closed my eyes. Now he took my other hand and seemed to be walking in front of me.
“Careful. There are stones here, just step on them.”
It was good that Alexander had warned me, otherwise I would have certainly crashed. I was still wondering if I should blink a little, just to see what the way was like now.
But Alexander forestalled me.
“So now stand still!”
He walked behind me and leaned on my shoulder from behind.
“And now open your eyes.”
Slowly I opened them, squinting against the bright sun. In front of me was a breathtaking panorama. Alexander had led me to a cliff and in front of me lay the sea.
The waves wildly whipped against the rocks, I felt the water as a fine drizzle that sprinkled my face.
“And, what do you say?”
I looked over my shoulder into Alexander's eyes.
“Simply awesome!”
*-*-*
I didn't really want to leave this magnificent sight. I loved the sea and had always enjoyed going there with my parents. Alexander had walked back with me.
It was dinner time and it was important that everyone was there on time. At first I thought we would all be sitting in a large hall on benches, with the supervisors somewhere up on a dais. But I was pleasantly surprised here.
Alexander led me to a counter where the dinner was set up. We he and I took a plate and cutlery. There was already a wide selection and I was really hungry.
When I was about to start filling my plate, Alexander stopped me.
“Only take what you can really eat, don't load up your plate unnecessarily, because then you'll end up running to the bathroom again anyway!”.
If I was still floating in the feeling of happiness, I was now back on the ground again. Alexander took two slices of bread, some sausage and a drink, then he looked at me. I looked around again briefly and decided to eat only one yoghurt tonight.
Alexander smiled at me and took an apple, which he added to my tray. Then we went to an archway that took us to the dining room. As I said, it wasn't a real dining room.
This huge room was divided into several levels, connected by small stairs.
“You can also do your homework here if you don't want to sit alone in our room!”
Alexander pointed to a table and I followed him there. I also really liked the many green plants that divided everything up. I could even see bookshelves and several computers.
“Well, how do you like our dining room?”
Thomas had come to us and sat down next to Alexander. I was distracted by giggling. A group of girls were sitting on a higher gallery, looking down at us. What I didn't know was that some of the girls also lived in the house.
Well, you couldn't really call it a house; it was more like an old fortress that had just been modernized. I looked at my yoghurt, undecided. Thomas smiled encouragingly at me
So I took my spoon and started eating. Alexander and Thomas explained the daily routine to me. I also learned that school was from Monday through Saturday morning. Afternoons were for homework, sports or hobbies, with one day a week set aside for therapy sessions.
I also learned the story of Thomas, who had gone on a kind of hunger strike because of his parents' many arguments. When he had finished his story, I realized that I had already eaten my yoghurt and apple.
Alexander was also finished.
“And how do you feel now?”
I listened to myself.
“I don't know, but I don't feel bad!”
“That's a start!”
We put our trays down to return them and left the room.
“Is it normal that none of the teachers or other staff pay attention to what we eat?”
I had been wondering why I hadn't seen anyone the whole time. I followed Alexander to our room.
“No, you shouldn't eat because of them. Everything here is based on trust, the only thing they check is your weight every other day. Otherwise, you only see them for classes or during therapy sessions.”
“And Laura?”
Laura is something like our housemother. We can go to her if we have a problem or just need someone to talk to. There's also Karl, who alternates with Laura, but you'll get to know him.
And that helps? I mean, you can get rid of anorexia?
Of course, look at me, I've been here almost two months and have already gained four kilos!
And how do I know how much I have to gain?
You will learn all of this in your therapy sessions.
And what about the lessons?
This is an open teaching method that is rarely found in Germany.
Open teaching?
You shouldn't imagine that we sit in a classroom behind our desks and look at the blackboard with our teacher in front.?
How should it work otherwise??
We do a lot of teamwork, but you'll see that tomorrow!?
I had become a little restless. I had heard all of this from the headmaster beforehand, but I was still so preoccupied with myself that I hadn't really paid attention.
I had already received books and a class schedule upon arrival. Everything was piled up on my desk. Alexander dropped onto his bed. He grinned at me.
“What?”
He began to grin even more.
“Do you know that you look damn good?”
I looked at myself in the large mirror attached to the room door.
And you're vain, too?
I realized that Alexander had been teasing me. Without further ado, I pounced on him and tickled him. But I hadn't reckoned with his strength. Before long, I was lying under him and was now the victim.
Suddenly Alexander paused. I was breathing heavily and tried to recover from his attack. I stared at his blue eyes and somehow I sank into them. Slowly Alexander's head approached and suddenly our lips touched.
Alexander seemed to notice how surprised I was and suddenly let go of me.
“Sorry, I wasn't thinking again.”
I held him tight and pulled him back onto me.
“What's the matter? I thought it was wonderful, I've never been kissed by a boy before!”
“Really? Surely you've had a boyfriend?”
“No, unfortunately not, the one I had a crush on didn't want anything to do with me.”
I don't understand, you look really cute! Well, maybe a little too skinny.
I could see the smirk on his face when he made the comment. But it didn't bother me, I knew I was too skinny.
So I look good and that's probably why you couldn't resist my lips.
My statement seemed to upset him a bit. He stared at the ground, somewhat at a loss.
“Hey Alexander, I really liked that!”
He looked at me uncertainly, but when he saw me smiling, it seemed to calm him down as well.
“I hope you don't think I want something from you, I just felt the need to kiss you.
Anytime again!
I stretched out my arms and pulled him down to me for another kiss.
*-*-*
Two weeks later? I had finished my session and opened the door to my room.
And I snooze, snooze, snooze in a rush,
and bring love with me,
from my heavenly ride.
Because love, love, love is much more fun,
much more fun than anything!
?D?F? Codo
Alex's radio was playing. It seemed to be a song from the eighties. He sat over his homework and tapped to the music. Quietly, I put my bag on my desk.
He didn't seem to notice me, because suddenly he was singing the chorus with me. He had such a beautiful, clear voice that it gave me goosebumps. I stood stock-still at my desk and looked at Alexander.
The melody faded away, only the lyrics remained, and he was still singing along loudly. When the song ended, he turned his head to the side, looked in my direction and jumped.
“Oh man, you scared me! Have you been standing here for a long time?”
“The whole song?”
Alexander blushed and stared at his homework.
“What is it, Alexander?”
“I didn't know you were in the room, otherwise I wouldn't have sung along so loudly.”
These words came very softly over his lips, and I sensed that he was ashamed of himself. I ran to him and put my arm around him.
“Do you think you could stop your homework for half an hour?”
“I can't concentrate anyway, why, what do you have in mind?”
Let's go to the cliff!”
Alexander nodded and followed me out of the room. After we had checked out with Laura, we walked along the same small path as on the first day of my arrival. By now I had settled in a bit here, thanks to Alexander.
As usual, Alexander held my hand and walked ahead. We giggled all the time and I didn't even know why. We had left the last bend of the small forest behind us and there it was, the cliff.
This time something was different than usual. We were not alone. A boy sat quite far forward, at the precipice, letting the wind blow around his nose. Alexander looked at me. He came up close to my ear and whispered,
“I think that's the new guy Laura was talking about yesterday.”
I nodded at him. Without looking at the ground, I wanted to keep walking, but I immediately regretted it. The rock under my foot tilted to the side and I stumbled. If it hadn't been for Alexander, I would have landed on my nose.
He caught me in time and so I now lay half in his arms. This action had not been without noise, that is, I had let out a scream. Which of course had the consequence that the boy was driving around on the cliff.
Without saying a word, he got up and ran back to the boarding school, the look that met me hurt, I had never seen such sad eyes.
Hello!?
He didn't react and Alex looked at me in wonder.
Leave him alone, or can't you remember how you felt on the first day?
Sure, but you were there for me then!
Alexander smiled embarrassedly.
Don't you think that I should approach newcomers as well, to make it easier for them?
Lukas, our savior!
Alexander had that mischievous look on his face again, I couldn't help but laugh.
“Let's go back and look for him?”
“You wanted to go to the cliff and I interrupted my homework on purpose.”
“This is more important, Alex, come on, let's go look for him!”
Alexander looked at me.
“You've never spoken to me like that before!”
Alexander was right, I had never really called him Alex before.
“Thank you?”
Now I was confused.
“For what?”
“For existing!”
Now completely bewildered, I followed him back to the boarding school.
*-*-*
“What I wanted to ask you, Lukas, does this boy look familiar to you too?”
“No, why should he?”
We were on our way to Laura's.
I mean, I've seen his face before!
Do I know everyone you know?
Not many, that's for sure, but I know him from somewhere.
Television?
Maybe, I'll just ask Laura for the name.
Do that! I'm going back to the room and start with my homework.
Oh come on Lukas, come with me!
No, but you can tell me who it is right away.
Okay, see you in a minute.
Alexander moved away and I went to our room. I had wanted to help the boy, but when Alex said he knew him, I suddenly remembered where I had seen him before: in the cinema, in a movie.
It had to be him, I had seen the movie at least six times already. I had settled down on my bed when the door flew open. Alexander.
Do you know who that is?
Kostja Ullmann!
Alex stared at me.
How do you know that again?
I've seen the movie Summer Storm at least six times.
Oh?
Yes, oh, and now please close the door.
Alex closed the door and sat me down.
And now?
What now? I'm going to sit down at my desk and do my homework.
But you just wanted to help him?
Alex, he's a well-known actor. Do you think he wants to have anything to do with someone like me?
Just because Kostja has appeared in a few films, he's not going to be so aloof as not to talk to us. You forget what kind of place this is; he won't be here for no reason.
Forget it, Alex.
Oh, the gentleman is shy.
Ass.
Yes, Tillmeier speaking.
Alex was grinning at me again.
“I can't just go up to him, can I?”
“Why not? What's stopping you?”
“I don't even know which room he's in.”
“Room 217, down the hall. He's the only one there.”
Alex looked at me.
“Go on, don't be a coward.”
“You really think so?”
Of course!
Alex pushed me towards the door.
If you're not back in five minutes, I'll report you missing!
You're such an
ass, I know!
So there I was, standing in front of the door to our room, which Alex had closed behind me. Still unsure and not really clear about what I wanted there, I walked slowly down the hallway until I could read the room number 217.
I raised my hand and let it drop again. Just as I was about to turn away, the door opened and two beautiful but sad eyes looked at me.
“Yes?
Um, hi?
I heard something outside the door and found you here. Did you want to see me?
Yes.
I suddenly felt so miserable that I wanted to run away. I felt my knees go weak.
Are you all right?
Kostja looked me in the eye.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you.
I wanted to turn around and go back to my room, but my legs refused to obey, I couldn't take my eyes off that look, Kostja's eyes.
“You don't, at least not like the others.”
With these words he left me standing there and went back to his room, but left the door open. Slowly and uncertainly I followed him and closed the door behind me. He had collapsed on his bed and stared out of the window.
“Do you want an autograph?”
This question came almost mechanically and startled me.
“No thanks.”
Kostia looked at me in astonishment.
“Then why are you here?”
I gathered all my courage and sat down on the chair by the bed.
“Me? I wanted to ask you why you look so sad?”
“Please?”
He looked at me in amazement.
“When you walked past us earlier by the cliff, you looked so sad.”
“Does anyone care?”
“Yes, me?”
And why? Is everyone only interested in what an unhappy life Kostja Ullmann leads?
I don't care what your name is, Kostja or Phillip or whatever. But it makes me sad to see you sad.
Kostja slowly turned his head back to me.
You're not interested in who I am?
Wait, that's not what I meant. I meant, what I want to say is, you do interest me, but not the public Kostya, but the private one!
You'd be the first!
My hands were cold and clammy. I nervously rubbed them together.
Then I'll be the first! And Alexander, my roommate, would be the second who thinks like me.
There was a pause, Kostja looked out the window, but I noticed that he was thinking, thinking hard.
“You know, everyone is trying to persuade me. Everyone knows better, especially everyone knows everything! I can't take it anymore.”
“Is that why you've lost so much weight?”
He looked at me in shock and lowered his eyes.
Kostja, I'm sorry if I've offended you, but everyone here in the house has problems, and they've lost weight for various reasons.
And why are you here?
I took a deep breath. I had been here for two weeks now, had a few sessions behind me, but I felt that it was still difficult for me to talk about it.
“I tried to please someone?”
And how did she react?
Were we still talking about a person, or did Kostja mean that I meant a girl? Again I took a deep breath and gathered all my courage.
He didn't know that I had a crush on him!?
Kostja looked at me in horror and sat up straight.
“Stop, before you get any hopes because I was in Summer Storm, that was just a movie. Robert only played a gay guy, he's not one! And I'm even less so!?
I looked at him, stunned. I didn't know what to say. Did I say I wanted something from him, or even that he was gay? I got up without saying anything.
Without turning around, I left the room and went back to my room. I opened the door and an expectant Alex looked at me from his desk. After I had paused briefly, I fell onto my bed and began to cry.
I heard Alex push his chair away, but instead of coming to me as I expected, he came to the door to our room.
“Are you crazy? What have you done to Lukas? Do you think just because you're a famous jerk you can treat everyone like dirt?”
Alex seemed to have gone to Kostja, he was beside himself and shouted at Kostja.
“I haven't done anything, have I?
And why is Lukas lying in his bed and crying?
I just said I'm not gay.
Great, do you mean he came to you because he thought you were gay?
I? I?
Alexander, could you maybe tell me what's going on here?
That was Laura. I got up and went to the door. I got a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I knew only too well. I immediately turned around and ran to the bathroom.
I threw up like I hadn't done in a long time. I felt dizzy, but tried to hold on to the toilet seat anyway. I was shaking all over and tears welled up in my eyes.
“He just comes here and thinks he has to take Lukas on!” I heard Alex shout loudly.
I washed my face and walked slowly back to the door.
Alex was still beside himself, but noticed that I was standing at the door. He looked at me sympathetically. Laura turned her head and looked at me too.
“Both of you report to my door in five minutes, got it! And that goes for you too, Lukas too!?
I nodded and watched Laura go back to her place. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned my head. Alex was standing behind me and smiled gently at me.
Kostja was standing right behind him. He was pale in the face, but showed no other emotion.
“Shall we go?”
Alex looked at me questioningly and I nodded. I closed the door and walked somewhat uncertainly with him and Kostja to Laura's room. Once there, Alex knocked on the door. It opened a crack and we entered.
Laura was still on the phone, but motioned for us to sit down. Then she hung up the phone.
“So, the three of you, now we'll talk turkey. I was against Mr. Ullmann coming to our house from the beginning. He's already 21 and so he doesn't really belong here. But the press hype about him and his anorexia have changed my mind.”
Laura paused and looked at each of us.
What just happened, why was Lukas crying and, as I can see, other things too!?
It's my fault, I apparently hurt him? Lukas!?
Kostja looked at the floor.
I thought that if you play in a movie like that, you'd be more tolerant, but that's obviously not the case with you!?
Alexander, you be quiet for now! I think it's great that you're standing up for Lukas like this, but your way of doing it isn't the right one!
Alex looked at me, then at Kostja.
I just wanted to make sure there were no misunderstandings.
This came from Kostja. Now everyone was looking at me.
I just wanted to help.
I felt new tears welling up again.
“I'm sorry, Lukas, I misunderstood, can we start over?”
“Are we in a movie? 'Cut! From the top again?
Alexander, that's enough now!”
“Yes, all right. I just don't want Lukas to hurt anyone, he means a lot to me!”
I looked at Alex in astonishment, and he smiled at me sheepishly.
“That hasn't escaped me, Alexander, and it speaks well for you, but I think Kostja is right, try it again from the beginning! I think you should all go to your rooms and think about it, I'll come back to you later?”
We all nodded and stood up. A little later we were all in the hallway. Silent! Alex looked at me briefly and then took Kostja's hand.
“Are you coming with me to our room?”
Kostya nodded and let himself be pulled by Alex to our room. Even though Alexander was taller than Kostya, he was still four years younger and it looked kind of funny, I couldn't help grinning.
“That's more like you! Now come on, before Laura shows up in the hallway!”
I followed the two and it struck me that he was surprisingly quiet in the hallway. No one looked out of the room to make sure what had happened.
In the room, Alex offered Kostja his chair. He himself sat down on my desk chair. I, on the other hand, stood at the door, somewhat at a loss. Alex looked at me and pointed to his knee.
Was he seriously asking me to sit on his knee? He looked at me questioningly. Hesitantly, I slowly walked over to him and sat on his lap. He put his arm around my stomach and pulled me closer to him.
“Are you two a couple?”
Startled, I looked at Kostja.
“No, not yet!”
Now I looked at Alex, whose mouth had just made this assertion.
“Are you serious now? I thought you and Thomas?”
“Thomas and I are friends, nothing more.”
“Would you rather I left?”
I sensed that Kostja now felt out of place.
“No, just stay here, my little one, he's just a little surprised.”
Surprised is good, he knew nothing about it!?
Could you two stop talking not about me, but with me?
Now I was a little annoyed, although this feeling quickly gave way when the words “my little one” lingered in my head. Alex grinned cheekily at me.
'Lukas, I want to apologize to you again, I'm sorry, but I'm a little beside myself.
I understand, I was no different when I came here two weeks ago.
You've only been here two weeks, I think you? are adapting so quickly?
I didn't quite understand what Kostja meant, but Alex answered for him.
“Yes, you can fall in love that fast. Like I said, in two weeks!” I had Lukas around me every day from morning to evening for two weeks, got to know him better. We talked a lot and recently I realized that I fell in love with Lukas!
“Wow, that's almost like in the movies!”
Now I started to laugh at Kostja's comment, especially he, who is in the movie business. But still I was touched by Alex's words.
“May I ask when you realized it, or is that too private?”
“Here we have almost no secrets from each other, so I can tell you that, and I think Lukas would like to know too!”
I could only nod, no syllable escaped from my lips. Contentedly, I enjoyed the caresses that Alex gave me. His thumbs gently stroked up and down my belly.
“Well, we had tussled a short time ago just for fun and that ended in a kiss?”
“With this kiss?” ”I thought it was embarrassing for you because it was a slip?”
No, it wasn't. I suddenly realized what I feel for you and couldn't resist your lips.”
A sigh escaped Kostja's throat, and we looked at him in amazement.
“Oh man, that's beautiful, I'm getting jealous right now!”
“Don't you have a girlfriend?” Alex asked.
“No, but it's probably because of my reputation.”
I don't know your reputation, only what I know from the newspapers.
That's exactly it. And after everything that's been said about me, everyone thinks I'm an arrogant jerk who's totally lost it after a few successes.
Which they would be right to do! Alex teased, which earned him a jab in the side from me.
Just leave it to Lukas, he's right! Somehow I've been on a trip since I got several film offers. Maybe this was necessary to bring me back down to earth?
But why lose weight like that? I asked.
I don't know why, it just happened!
Kostja looked at me intently.
Why did you come to me earlier?
Because I just wanted to help you, so that you wouldn't feel alone like I did at the beginning until Alex came along.
Alexander smiled at me.
Sorry if I've accused you of having any ulterior motives, but somehow it's in me, the? ?
?insecurity, your mistrust??, I interrupted him.
?Yes! I don't know. Suddenly you're well-known and everyone wants something from you. I no longer know who is a friend or not a friend. I can't tell anymore!?
Then you have to learn it again. For example, you have two friends sitting in front of you right now,” said Alexander.
Kostja smiled at us both and Alex took me in his arms.
*-*-*
I looked out to sea, watched the sun slowly disappear into the sea.
“Oh, there you are, I've been looking for you everywhere!”
I jumped and turned around, Alexander was standing behind me.
“I wanted to think about something?”
“Should I go again?”
“No, stay here, it's about you too?”
“About me?”
“Yes, sure!” You confessed to me at noon that you love me. And I thought about how to proceed. With both of us?
“And what did you come to?”
That I just want to give it a try. I know that you don't live far from me? I feel the same way about you, as I finally realized after a lot of thinking.?
You want to give it a try with me??
Yes, I know, a stupid word. Alex, I'm just scared, it's all so new to me, I don't know what's in store for me. Then there was the crash at noon when I was hanging over the toilet bowl. I'm just afraid that I can't do it.
Alex sat down next to me and put his arm around me.
Aren't you just making it hard for yourself? I mean, what do you expect from your future?
If only I knew. I just about manage at school, find an apprenticeship and you?
At these words, I looked into his eyes.
You have to take it all slowly, my darling! Or you might end up back here!
If I hadn't ended up here, I would never have met you!
Alexander smiled and this smile captivated me again.
“Listen, Lukas! First of all, let's try to get along with each other decently. I admit that I like slim guys, but I want a little more than just bones or your hard part in my hand!
Oh, now he was getting cheeky. I stuck out my tongue, which he took as an invitation to snap at it with his mouth and engage in a French kiss with me.
“I love you, my little darling, and no more unnecessary visits to the bathroom!” Alex said.
“Promise! And? And I love you too?”
And now we're going back, I'm hungry.
What are you hungry for?
You, of course.
Alexander's stomach growled, and I had to grin.
I wonder if you'll fill me up.
I'll never get enough of you.
I'll remind you, I said, pressing myself close to Alex again.
After that, we left the cliff and walked hand in hand back to the shelter.
I put my suitcases on the bed. I looked sadly out the window; it was raining. Well, it was my own fault. If I hadn't been so pigheaded, I would never have ended up here. There was a knock at the door and it opened.
“Hello, Lukas?”
“Hello?”
That was Laura, she was responsible for me, was supposed to take care of me. As if I needed a babysitter, I'm seventeen after all.
Don't look so sad. You know what, let's just try to make the best of it, okay?
I nodded at her. Anorexia, at high risk, had the diagnosis in the hospital, after I had collapsed during sports at school. Now I was here, in a boarding school for anorexics.
Laura came over to me and put her arm around me.
“Look, Lukas, I know the beginning here is hard. We'll just try to make the best of it.”
She repeated herself and again I just nodded.
“Now you unpack in peace and then I'll show you a bit of the house and the surrounding area. Alexander, your roommate will surely appear soon.”
She looked at me again briefly, ruffled my hair before she left the room again.
Almost mechanically, I unpacked my two suitcases and stored everything in my closet. When I had emptied the suitcases, I simply pushed them under the bed. I was about to throw myself on my bed when the door flew open and two boys stormed into the room.
“Alexander, you scumbag, give me back my letter!
He didn't seem particularly interested, because he made no move to give the letter back.
“I just want to read what your chick is writing to you.”
“That's none of your business!”
The other boy kept trying to snatch the letter from Alexander, but suddenly they both stopped. They had noticed that they were no longer alone in the room. They were both staring at me.
“You must be the new guy?”
Alexander came to my bedside, I sat up.
“I'm Alexander and this guy next to me is Thomas.”
Thomas was thin, but I wouldn't call him a board. His muscles were clearly visible under his shirt.
“My name is Lukas!”
“Welcome to the 'Fressanstalt'!”
Alexander had raised his hand. Timidly, I reached for it and he shook like crazy.
“How much?”
I looked at Alexander in amazement.
“How much what?”
“How much you've got on you?”
“I don't know what you mean.”
“How much you weigh?”
I had to swallow, because I didn't really like talking about that.
“Ninety-four kilograms.”
I had said this very quietly, my head bowed to the floor.
“Wow, you're the absolute front-runner, we've never had such a light boy here before!”
Alexander and Thomas both started laughing. Anger rose up in me, what was this? Were bets being made on who was the lightest of the week? I jumped up, feeling sour.
“You don't give a damn about that, just leave me alone, understand?”
I ran to the door and wanted to run outside, but something held me back. Alexander.
“Hey Lukas, take it easy, we didn't mean it that way! Come on, stay here with us, each of us has been in the same situation as you, each of us!”
Sadly I looked at him and couldn't help myself, I started to cry.
“I'd better go then, I'll see you later for dinner?”
Without difficulty Thomas pulled his letter out of Alexander's hand and left us alone. Alexander still held my arm tight. And now he pulled at it too and took me in his arms.
“Hey come here, just cry it out, it'll do you good!”
The words he had softly breathed into my ear were followed by real torrents. I didn't notice how the door was opened again. Nor did I notice that Alexander sent Laura away again after she had heard from Thomas what had just happened.
“Don't you want to lie down, I'll stay with you too?”
I was unable to speak, just nodded slightly with my head. Alexander took off my leather jacket, which I still had on. Then he gently pushed me onto the bed, where I curled up like a little child.
“I wanted to eat, but I just couldn't make it, five minutes later at the latest it was all out of my system again.
“Finger in the mouth?”
I didn't need to fool myself, everyone here had the same problem as me. Dazed, I opened my eyes and saw Alexander blurred in front of me.
“Why?”
“What do you mean?”
Alexander looked at me questioningly.
“Why did you lose weight?”
“Me?” Good question! I could maybe show you a picture of me from a year ago?
He stood up and opened his closet. From the private compartment that everyone had in their closet, he pulled out something and sat down as if to me. He held a photograph in front of my nose.
“That was me at a hundred and fifteen kilos, the talk of the whole school.”
I saw a fat boy in front of me, who had no resemblance to Alexander here. A fat ring peeped out from under his T-shirt and his pants didn't seem to fit right either.
“That was you?”
I took the photograph in my hand and looked at it further.
“Yes! The reason I started losing weight. In the beginning, everything went smoothly. The kilos just kept dropping until I was at eighty kilos. Then it stopped.
And then?
I had given him the picture back.
I just stopped eating properly, I ate as usual and then spat it all out again. You can see the result here. At 1.83 tall, I now only weigh 45 kilos. Well, I've since gained four kilos again, but it was really hard.
I took a closer look at Alexander. His short, blond hair was gelled forward. His snub nose didn't distract from his blue eyes, which now looked at me cheekily.
“What's your story? What made you lose so much weight?”
I became embarrassed and looked away.
“So bad?”
I don't know if I can tell you this, you'll either laugh or not want to talk to me at all!
My voice was firm, which surprised me.
What could be so bad that I wouldn't want to talk to you anymore?
I did it for someone, I wanted to look good!
I looked at the wall, ashamed.
“That's no reason to be ashamed. Do you know how many people here have the same reason as you?”
“Would you do that for a boy?”
“Please?”
Of course, Alexander couldn't follow me, how should he know that I was gay. But that didn't matter either. I turned away from the wall and looked Alexander firmly in the eye.
“I'm gay. I wanted to lose weight so that I could attract the attention of a guy who hadn't taken any notice of me.”
“Successful?”
He seemed to be completely unconcerned by the fact that I was gay. I looked at him in astonishment.
“Were you successful?”
“No!”
The door was flung open again and slammed against my cupboard, which was standing next to the door. Another boy had burst into the room.
“Caught!”
Alexander turned around with a start.
“Jochen, you ass, how many times do I have to tell you to knock before you come into my room?”
Jochen didn't seem to be impressed; he grinned nastily to himself.
I just wanted to know if it was true that you had a new one in your room and you jumped him?”
Inevitably, I had to grin. I was lying on the bed, Alexander bent over me slightly, you could interpret that as if we had done something. Wait, Alexander jumping on me, was he gay too?
Of course, Jochen, you know I jump on anything with hair on its balls and don't sit on the tree by three.
That had sounded a bit sour.
A good advice, just close the door, but from outside!
Jochen seemed to have realized that he was unwanted. Quickly he had disappeared again.
So now you've met Jochen, a bit over the top, but really quite sweet.
Are you gay too? I mean?
Because Jochen just said I'd jump your bones.
Alexander started to laugh out loud, his head falling back. Now I had no idea what to think.
Let's put it this way, I am so... I am multicultural, a bit of everything. I don't want to commit myself.
He stroked my cheek tenderly.
In any case, you have calmed down a bit now. Do you feel like looking around here a bit?
Laura wanted to show me everything.
Of course, that's what she's there for. But I think she'd be happy if I took the job off her hands.
I feel sick!
Have you eaten anything?
I shook my head.
Then it's probably the excitement. Come on, I'll show you a nice place by the sea, and you'll probably feel better in a minute.
Without waiting for an answer, he pulled me out of bed and we were already in the hallway. He stopped in front of a door at the end of the hall and knocked. He still had my hand in his.
The door opened and Laura looked out.
“I'm going outside with Lukas, is that okay with you?”
Laura looked me up and down, and I noticed that her gaze lingered a little longer on our hands.
“Of course, but not too long, dinner is in an hour.”
“Don't worry, we'll be back on time.”
Laura smiled, said goodbye, and disappeared back behind the door.
“So, now we're signed out. Please remember to sign out with Laura every time you leave the house, otherwise there could be trouble.”
Before I could nod, Alexander was already pulling me downstairs. We met some boys on the stairs, but they didn't seem to pay us any attention except for a hello.
I looked at each of them closely and noticed that they were all so thin. After another hallway and another staircase, we came to an exit door. Alexander pulled me outside without letting go of me even once.
A fresh wind blew in my face and I took a deep breath.
“See, I knew the fresh air would do you good!”
Thank you. For what?
For being there for me, you don't even know me.
Lukas, listen up.
We're all here for the same reason. None of us has anything to hide. Everyone knows about the others. You're new, totally insecure, so why shouldn't I help you?
I'm not used to someone standing up for me.
Then get used to it quickly, that's how it always works here.
I smiled and blinked at the sun, the rain and clouds had disappeared.
That's more like it, I like you better like that!
Alexander grinned at me and walked with me down a path without letting go of my hand.
“Where are you taking me?”
“To my favorite place, I'm sure you'll like it, too.”
He pulled me through a small forest path that began at the property where the boarding school was located. Since the trees were quite dense, I couldn't see exactly where we were going.
Alexander stopped and stood in front of me.
“Now close your eyes. I'll guide you, trust me!”
I granted him his wish and closed my eyes. Now he took my other hand and seemed to be walking in front of me.
“Careful. There are stones here, just step on them.”
It was good that Alexander had warned me, otherwise I would have certainly crashed. I was still wondering if I should blink a little, just to see what the way was like now.
But Alexander forestalled me.
“So now stand still!”
He walked behind me and leaned on my shoulder from behind.
“And now open your eyes.”
Slowly I opened them, squinting against the bright sun. In front of me was a breathtaking panorama. Alexander had led me to a cliff and in front of me lay the sea.
The waves wildly whipped against the rocks, I felt the water as a fine drizzle that sprinkled my face.
“And, what do you say?”
I looked over my shoulder into Alexander's eyes.
“Simply awesome!”
*-*-*
I didn't really want to leave this magnificent sight. I loved the sea and had always enjoyed going there with my parents. Alexander had walked back with me.
It was dinner time and it was important that everyone was there on time. At first I thought we would all be sitting in a large hall on benches, with the supervisors somewhere up on a dais. But I was pleasantly surprised here.
Alexander led me to a counter where the dinner was set up. We he and I took a plate and cutlery. There was already a wide selection and I was really hungry.
When I was about to start filling my plate, Alexander stopped me.
“Only take what you can really eat, don't load up your plate unnecessarily, because then you'll end up running to the bathroom again anyway!”.
If I was still floating in the feeling of happiness, I was now back on the ground again. Alexander took two slices of bread, some sausage and a drink, then he looked at me. I looked around again briefly and decided to eat only one yoghurt tonight.
Alexander smiled at me and took an apple, which he added to my tray. Then we went to an archway that took us to the dining room. As I said, it wasn't a real dining room.
This huge room was divided into several levels, connected by small stairs.
“You can also do your homework here if you don't want to sit alone in our room!”
Alexander pointed to a table and I followed him there. I also really liked the many green plants that divided everything up. I could even see bookshelves and several computers.
“Well, how do you like our dining room?”
Thomas had come to us and sat down next to Alexander. I was distracted by giggling. A group of girls were sitting on a higher gallery, looking down at us. What I didn't know was that some of the girls also lived in the house.
Well, you couldn't really call it a house; it was more like an old fortress that had just been modernized. I looked at my yoghurt, undecided. Thomas smiled encouragingly at me
So I took my spoon and started eating. Alexander and Thomas explained the daily routine to me. I also learned that school was from Monday through Saturday morning. Afternoons were for homework, sports or hobbies, with one day a week set aside for therapy sessions.
I also learned the story of Thomas, who had gone on a kind of hunger strike because of his parents' many arguments. When he had finished his story, I realized that I had already eaten my yoghurt and apple.
Alexander was also finished.
“And how do you feel now?”
I listened to myself.
“I don't know, but I don't feel bad!”
“That's a start!”
We put our trays down to return them and left the room.
“Is it normal that none of the teachers or other staff pay attention to what we eat?”
I had been wondering why I hadn't seen anyone the whole time. I followed Alexander to our room.
“No, you shouldn't eat because of them. Everything here is based on trust, the only thing they check is your weight every other day. Otherwise, you only see them for classes or during therapy sessions.”
“And Laura?”
Laura is something like our housemother. We can go to her if we have a problem or just need someone to talk to. There's also Karl, who alternates with Laura, but you'll get to know him.
And that helps? I mean, you can get rid of anorexia?
Of course, look at me, I've been here almost two months and have already gained four kilos!
And how do I know how much I have to gain?
You will learn all of this in your therapy sessions.
And what about the lessons?
This is an open teaching method that is rarely found in Germany.
Open teaching?
You shouldn't imagine that we sit in a classroom behind our desks and look at the blackboard with our teacher in front.?
How should it work otherwise??
We do a lot of teamwork, but you'll see that tomorrow!?
I had become a little restless. I had heard all of this from the headmaster beforehand, but I was still so preoccupied with myself that I hadn't really paid attention.
I had already received books and a class schedule upon arrival. Everything was piled up on my desk. Alexander dropped onto his bed. He grinned at me.
“What?”
He began to grin even more.
“Do you know that you look damn good?”
I looked at myself in the large mirror attached to the room door.
And you're vain, too?
I realized that Alexander had been teasing me. Without further ado, I pounced on him and tickled him. But I hadn't reckoned with his strength. Before long, I was lying under him and was now the victim.
Suddenly Alexander paused. I was breathing heavily and tried to recover from his attack. I stared at his blue eyes and somehow I sank into them. Slowly Alexander's head approached and suddenly our lips touched.
Alexander seemed to notice how surprised I was and suddenly let go of me.
“Sorry, I wasn't thinking again.”
I held him tight and pulled him back onto me.
“What's the matter? I thought it was wonderful, I've never been kissed by a boy before!”
“Really? Surely you've had a boyfriend?”
“No, unfortunately not, the one I had a crush on didn't want anything to do with me.”
I don't understand, you look really cute! Well, maybe a little too skinny.
I could see the smirk on his face when he made the comment. But it didn't bother me, I knew I was too skinny.
So I look good and that's probably why you couldn't resist my lips.
My statement seemed to upset him a bit. He stared at the ground, somewhat at a loss.
“Hey Alexander, I really liked that!”
He looked at me uncertainly, but when he saw me smiling, it seemed to calm him down as well.
“I hope you don't think I want something from you, I just felt the need to kiss you.
Anytime again!
I stretched out my arms and pulled him down to me for another kiss.
*-*-*
Two weeks later? I had finished my session and opened the door to my room.
And I snooze, snooze, snooze in a rush,
and bring love with me,
from my heavenly ride.
Because love, love, love is much more fun,
much more fun than anything!
?D?F? Codo
Alex's radio was playing. It seemed to be a song from the eighties. He sat over his homework and tapped to the music. Quietly, I put my bag on my desk.
He didn't seem to notice me, because suddenly he was singing the chorus with me. He had such a beautiful, clear voice that it gave me goosebumps. I stood stock-still at my desk and looked at Alexander.
The melody faded away, only the lyrics remained, and he was still singing along loudly. When the song ended, he turned his head to the side, looked in my direction and jumped.
“Oh man, you scared me! Have you been standing here for a long time?”
“The whole song?”
Alexander blushed and stared at his homework.
“What is it, Alexander?”
“I didn't know you were in the room, otherwise I wouldn't have sung along so loudly.”
These words came very softly over his lips, and I sensed that he was ashamed of himself. I ran to him and put my arm around him.
“Do you think you could stop your homework for half an hour?”
“I can't concentrate anyway, why, what do you have in mind?”
Let's go to the cliff!”
Alexander nodded and followed me out of the room. After we had checked out with Laura, we walked along the same small path as on the first day of my arrival. By now I had settled in a bit here, thanks to Alexander.
As usual, Alexander held my hand and walked ahead. We giggled all the time and I didn't even know why. We had left the last bend of the small forest behind us and there it was, the cliff.
This time something was different than usual. We were not alone. A boy sat quite far forward, at the precipice, letting the wind blow around his nose. Alexander looked at me. He came up close to my ear and whispered,
“I think that's the new guy Laura was talking about yesterday.”
I nodded at him. Without looking at the ground, I wanted to keep walking, but I immediately regretted it. The rock under my foot tilted to the side and I stumbled. If it hadn't been for Alexander, I would have landed on my nose.
He caught me in time and so I now lay half in his arms. This action had not been without noise, that is, I had let out a scream. Which of course had the consequence that the boy was driving around on the cliff.
Without saying a word, he got up and ran back to the boarding school, the look that met me hurt, I had never seen such sad eyes.
Hello!?
He didn't react and Alex looked at me in wonder.
Leave him alone, or can't you remember how you felt on the first day?
Sure, but you were there for me then!
Alexander smiled embarrassedly.
Don't you think that I should approach newcomers as well, to make it easier for them?
Lukas, our savior!
Alexander had that mischievous look on his face again, I couldn't help but laugh.
“Let's go back and look for him?”
“You wanted to go to the cliff and I interrupted my homework on purpose.”
“This is more important, Alex, come on, let's go look for him!”
Alexander looked at me.
“You've never spoken to me like that before!”
Alexander was right, I had never really called him Alex before.
“Thank you?”
Now I was confused.
“For what?”
“For existing!”
Now completely bewildered, I followed him back to the boarding school.
*-*-*
“What I wanted to ask you, Lukas, does this boy look familiar to you too?”
“No, why should he?”
We were on our way to Laura's.
I mean, I've seen his face before!
Do I know everyone you know?
Not many, that's for sure, but I know him from somewhere.
Television?
Maybe, I'll just ask Laura for the name.
Do that! I'm going back to the room and start with my homework.
Oh come on Lukas, come with me!
No, but you can tell me who it is right away.
Okay, see you in a minute.
Alexander moved away and I went to our room. I had wanted to help the boy, but when Alex said he knew him, I suddenly remembered where I had seen him before: in the cinema, in a movie.
It had to be him, I had seen the movie at least six times already. I had settled down on my bed when the door flew open. Alexander.
Do you know who that is?
Kostja Ullmann!
Alex stared at me.
How do you know that again?
I've seen the movie Summer Storm at least six times.
Oh?
Yes, oh, and now please close the door.
Alex closed the door and sat me down.
And now?
What now? I'm going to sit down at my desk and do my homework.
But you just wanted to help him?
Alex, he's a well-known actor. Do you think he wants to have anything to do with someone like me?
Just because Kostja has appeared in a few films, he's not going to be so aloof as not to talk to us. You forget what kind of place this is; he won't be here for no reason.
Forget it, Alex.
Oh, the gentleman is shy.
Ass.
Yes, Tillmeier speaking.
Alex was grinning at me again.
“I can't just go up to him, can I?”
“Why not? What's stopping you?”
“I don't even know which room he's in.”
“Room 217, down the hall. He's the only one there.”
Alex looked at me.
“Go on, don't be a coward.”
“You really think so?”
Of course!
Alex pushed me towards the door.
If you're not back in five minutes, I'll report you missing!
You're such an
ass, I know!
So there I was, standing in front of the door to our room, which Alex had closed behind me. Still unsure and not really clear about what I wanted there, I walked slowly down the hallway until I could read the room number 217.
I raised my hand and let it drop again. Just as I was about to turn away, the door opened and two beautiful but sad eyes looked at me.
“Yes?
Um, hi?
I heard something outside the door and found you here. Did you want to see me?
Yes.
I suddenly felt so miserable that I wanted to run away. I felt my knees go weak.
Are you all right?
Kostja looked me in the eye.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bother you.
I wanted to turn around and go back to my room, but my legs refused to obey, I couldn't take my eyes off that look, Kostja's eyes.
“You don't, at least not like the others.”
With these words he left me standing there and went back to his room, but left the door open. Slowly and uncertainly I followed him and closed the door behind me. He had collapsed on his bed and stared out of the window.
“Do you want an autograph?”
This question came almost mechanically and startled me.
“No thanks.”
Kostia looked at me in astonishment.
“Then why are you here?”
I gathered all my courage and sat down on the chair by the bed.
“Me? I wanted to ask you why you look so sad?”
“Please?”
He looked at me in amazement.
“When you walked past us earlier by the cliff, you looked so sad.”
“Does anyone care?”
“Yes, me?”
And why? Is everyone only interested in what an unhappy life Kostja Ullmann leads?
I don't care what your name is, Kostja or Phillip or whatever. But it makes me sad to see you sad.
Kostja slowly turned his head back to me.
You're not interested in who I am?
Wait, that's not what I meant. I meant, what I want to say is, you do interest me, but not the public Kostya, but the private one!
You'd be the first!
My hands were cold and clammy. I nervously rubbed them together.
Then I'll be the first! And Alexander, my roommate, would be the second who thinks like me.
There was a pause, Kostja looked out the window, but I noticed that he was thinking, thinking hard.
“You know, everyone is trying to persuade me. Everyone knows better, especially everyone knows everything! I can't take it anymore.”
“Is that why you've lost so much weight?”
He looked at me in shock and lowered his eyes.
Kostja, I'm sorry if I've offended you, but everyone here in the house has problems, and they've lost weight for various reasons.
And why are you here?
I took a deep breath. I had been here for two weeks now, had a few sessions behind me, but I felt that it was still difficult for me to talk about it.
“I tried to please someone?”
And how did she react?
Were we still talking about a person, or did Kostja mean that I meant a girl? Again I took a deep breath and gathered all my courage.
He didn't know that I had a crush on him!?
Kostja looked at me in horror and sat up straight.
“Stop, before you get any hopes because I was in Summer Storm, that was just a movie. Robert only played a gay guy, he's not one! And I'm even less so!?
I looked at him, stunned. I didn't know what to say. Did I say I wanted something from him, or even that he was gay? I got up without saying anything.
Without turning around, I left the room and went back to my room. I opened the door and an expectant Alex looked at me from his desk. After I had paused briefly, I fell onto my bed and began to cry.
I heard Alex push his chair away, but instead of coming to me as I expected, he came to the door to our room.
“Are you crazy? What have you done to Lukas? Do you think just because you're a famous jerk you can treat everyone like dirt?”
Alex seemed to have gone to Kostja, he was beside himself and shouted at Kostja.
“I haven't done anything, have I?
And why is Lukas lying in his bed and crying?
I just said I'm not gay.
Great, do you mean he came to you because he thought you were gay?
I? I?
Alexander, could you maybe tell me what's going on here?
That was Laura. I got up and went to the door. I got a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I knew only too well. I immediately turned around and ran to the bathroom.
I threw up like I hadn't done in a long time. I felt dizzy, but tried to hold on to the toilet seat anyway. I was shaking all over and tears welled up in my eyes.
“He just comes here and thinks he has to take Lukas on!” I heard Alex shout loudly.
I washed my face and walked slowly back to the door.
Alex was still beside himself, but noticed that I was standing at the door. He looked at me sympathetically. Laura turned her head and looked at me too.
“Both of you report to my door in five minutes, got it! And that goes for you too, Lukas too!?
I nodded and watched Laura go back to her place. I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned my head. Alex was standing behind me and smiled gently at me.
Kostja was standing right behind him. He was pale in the face, but showed no other emotion.
“Shall we go?”
Alex looked at me questioningly and I nodded. I closed the door and walked somewhat uncertainly with him and Kostja to Laura's room. Once there, Alex knocked on the door. It opened a crack and we entered.
Laura was still on the phone, but motioned for us to sit down. Then she hung up the phone.
“So, the three of you, now we'll talk turkey. I was against Mr. Ullmann coming to our house from the beginning. He's already 21 and so he doesn't really belong here. But the press hype about him and his anorexia have changed my mind.”
Laura paused and looked at each of us.
What just happened, why was Lukas crying and, as I can see, other things too!?
It's my fault, I apparently hurt him? Lukas!?
Kostja looked at the floor.
I thought that if you play in a movie like that, you'd be more tolerant, but that's obviously not the case with you!?
Alexander, you be quiet for now! I think it's great that you're standing up for Lukas like this, but your way of doing it isn't the right one!
Alex looked at me, then at Kostja.
I just wanted to make sure there were no misunderstandings.
This came from Kostja. Now everyone was looking at me.
I just wanted to help.
I felt new tears welling up again.
“I'm sorry, Lukas, I misunderstood, can we start over?”
“Are we in a movie? 'Cut! From the top again?
Alexander, that's enough now!”
“Yes, all right. I just don't want Lukas to hurt anyone, he means a lot to me!”
I looked at Alex in astonishment, and he smiled at me sheepishly.
“That hasn't escaped me, Alexander, and it speaks well for you, but I think Kostja is right, try it again from the beginning! I think you should all go to your rooms and think about it, I'll come back to you later?”
We all nodded and stood up. A little later we were all in the hallway. Silent! Alex looked at me briefly and then took Kostja's hand.
“Are you coming with me to our room?”
Kostya nodded and let himself be pulled by Alex to our room. Even though Alexander was taller than Kostya, he was still four years younger and it looked kind of funny, I couldn't help grinning.
“That's more like you! Now come on, before Laura shows up in the hallway!”
I followed the two and it struck me that he was surprisingly quiet in the hallway. No one looked out of the room to make sure what had happened.
In the room, Alex offered Kostja his chair. He himself sat down on my desk chair. I, on the other hand, stood at the door, somewhat at a loss. Alex looked at me and pointed to his knee.
Was he seriously asking me to sit on his knee? He looked at me questioningly. Hesitantly, I slowly walked over to him and sat on his lap. He put his arm around my stomach and pulled me closer to him.
“Are you two a couple?”
Startled, I looked at Kostja.
“No, not yet!”
Now I looked at Alex, whose mouth had just made this assertion.
“Are you serious now? I thought you and Thomas?”
“Thomas and I are friends, nothing more.”
“Would you rather I left?”
I sensed that Kostja now felt out of place.
“No, just stay here, my little one, he's just a little surprised.”
Surprised is good, he knew nothing about it!?
Could you two stop talking not about me, but with me?
Now I was a little annoyed, although this feeling quickly gave way when the words “my little one” lingered in my head. Alex grinned cheekily at me.
'Lukas, I want to apologize to you again, I'm sorry, but I'm a little beside myself.
I understand, I was no different when I came here two weeks ago.
You've only been here two weeks, I think you? are adapting so quickly?
I didn't quite understand what Kostja meant, but Alex answered for him.
“Yes, you can fall in love that fast. Like I said, in two weeks!” I had Lukas around me every day from morning to evening for two weeks, got to know him better. We talked a lot and recently I realized that I fell in love with Lukas!
“Wow, that's almost like in the movies!”
Now I started to laugh at Kostja's comment, especially he, who is in the movie business. But still I was touched by Alex's words.
“May I ask when you realized it, or is that too private?”
“Here we have almost no secrets from each other, so I can tell you that, and I think Lukas would like to know too!”
I could only nod, no syllable escaped from my lips. Contentedly, I enjoyed the caresses that Alex gave me. His thumbs gently stroked up and down my belly.
“Well, we had tussled a short time ago just for fun and that ended in a kiss?”
“With this kiss?” ”I thought it was embarrassing for you because it was a slip?”
No, it wasn't. I suddenly realized what I feel for you and couldn't resist your lips.”
A sigh escaped Kostja's throat, and we looked at him in amazement.
“Oh man, that's beautiful, I'm getting jealous right now!”
“Don't you have a girlfriend?” Alex asked.
“No, but it's probably because of my reputation.”
I don't know your reputation, only what I know from the newspapers.
That's exactly it. And after everything that's been said about me, everyone thinks I'm an arrogant jerk who's totally lost it after a few successes.
Which they would be right to do! Alex teased, which earned him a jab in the side from me.
Just leave it to Lukas, he's right! Somehow I've been on a trip since I got several film offers. Maybe this was necessary to bring me back down to earth?
But why lose weight like that? I asked.
I don't know why, it just happened!
Kostja looked at me intently.
Why did you come to me earlier?
Because I just wanted to help you, so that you wouldn't feel alone like I did at the beginning until Alex came along.
Alexander smiled at me.
Sorry if I've accused you of having any ulterior motives, but somehow it's in me, the? ?
?insecurity, your mistrust??, I interrupted him.
?Yes! I don't know. Suddenly you're well-known and everyone wants something from you. I no longer know who is a friend or not a friend. I can't tell anymore!?
Then you have to learn it again. For example, you have two friends sitting in front of you right now,” said Alexander.
Kostja smiled at us both and Alex took me in his arms.
*-*-*
I looked out to sea, watched the sun slowly disappear into the sea.
“Oh, there you are, I've been looking for you everywhere!”
I jumped and turned around, Alexander was standing behind me.
“I wanted to think about something?”
“Should I go again?”
“No, stay here, it's about you too?”
“About me?”
“Yes, sure!” You confessed to me at noon that you love me. And I thought about how to proceed. With both of us?
“And what did you come to?”
That I just want to give it a try. I know that you don't live far from me? I feel the same way about you, as I finally realized after a lot of thinking.?
You want to give it a try with me??
Yes, I know, a stupid word. Alex, I'm just scared, it's all so new to me, I don't know what's in store for me. Then there was the crash at noon when I was hanging over the toilet bowl. I'm just afraid that I can't do it.
Alex sat down next to me and put his arm around me.
Aren't you just making it hard for yourself? I mean, what do you expect from your future?
If only I knew. I just about manage at school, find an apprenticeship and you?
At these words, I looked into his eyes.
You have to take it all slowly, my darling! Or you might end up back here!
If I hadn't ended up here, I would never have met you!
Alexander smiled and this smile captivated me again.
“Listen, Lukas! First of all, let's try to get along with each other decently. I admit that I like slim guys, but I want a little more than just bones or your hard part in my hand!
Oh, now he was getting cheeky. I stuck out my tongue, which he took as an invitation to snap at it with his mouth and engage in a French kiss with me.
“I love you, my little darling, and no more unnecessary visits to the bathroom!” Alex said.
“Promise! And? And I love you too?”
And now we're going back, I'm hungry.
What are you hungry for?
You, of course.
Alexander's stomach growled, and I had to grin.
I wonder if you'll fill me up.
I'll never get enough of you.
I'll remind you, I said, pressing myself close to Alex again.
After that, we left the cliff and walked hand in hand back to the shelter.