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What are strength, sovereignty, and self-determination? Are they values of our society that give us the opportunity for our own fulfillment? Or are they illusions because these attributes only function when our environment allows them and we feel we can maintain control?
But what happens when this control is taken away from us?
What if someone imposes their own rules on us?
Where does our strength, our sovereignty, and the possibility of self-determination then become? Am I still Jakob Raller, or someone completely different? What will remain of me if all my rights are taken away?
I had never thought about how frightening that would be, how terrifyingly fragile my life in freedom could be, until my dignity and all freedom were radically taken away from me.
But that night, no other thought dominated my mind until I slipped into the redeeming world of dreams, freed from the suffering of my battered body.

---

I look deep into my boyfriend's blue eyes, which gaze at me from his almost feminine face. His cheeks are still flushed from lovemaking, and the pale skin of his petite body stands out only slightly against the white sheets.
“I love you, my Casanova,” he whispers.
My hand brushes the messy blond hair from his forehead. "And I love you, Freddy."
Frederik sighs. "Your parents will be back next week."
“So what?” My brain isn’t quite up to speed yet.
"I think your father doesn't like me, thinks I'm a parasite, or something like that."
"You just don't know each other well, but we'll make up for it. Dad is pretty particular in that regard. At least he's accepted now that I won't be bringing home a daughter-in-law."
Freddy nods and looks at the clock. "Sorry, Jacky, I should go home. I have an exam tomorrow and still have to study. Maybe that'll boost my final grade a bit."
Frustrated, I growl at him, and he laughs. "Okay, I'll let you go, but I want one more time first!"
“You insatiable one,” he grins cheekily and his lips wander between my thighs again.

---

"Wake up!" A hand slapped my face harshly. I heard the sound, but the pain of that sensation didn't penetrate my foggy mind. I could barely feel my body anymore, numb from sitting so cramped on the cold floor. I couldn't say exactly how long; the lack of light made estimation impossible. I wanted to go back to sleep, to be with Freddy. To relive the day that had crept so realistically into my dream. That was the only thing that kept my mind from going mad.
My hands were tied above my head, connecting me to a pipe to form a single unit, and thus the toilet issue was resolved. I stank, that much was clear.
“You damned mama’s boy, raise your head!” the voice hissed.
"Never mind, I'll take care of it. Hold the camera," the second voice chimed in, much more gently, before addressing me.
"I know the situation isn't easy, but you should do what he says."
Another hand touched my face, just below my chin, and gently but firmly lifted my head. A dull ache shot through my neck as the tired and stiff muscles moved. Suddenly, I felt nauseous and choked up bitter bile that mingled with the other smells on my clothes.
"Let's postpone this, just for a few hours, it's pointless," came a voice close to my ear. A faint "Sorry" trailed behind, almost inaudibly.
"No. Asshole, shut up."
I couldn't do it on my own. Then hurried footsteps approached, and something shot into my stomach with tremendous force. Without the rope, I would have certainly fallen forward, but now I was hanging halfway forward, my shoulder joints aching as my tormentor pulled me even further forward by my neck.
"Mac, stop it! What's going on?" My 'savior' sounded upset, as far as I could tell. If it weren't for the excruciating pain in my body, I probably would have laughed at calling the other guy a savior just because he didn't hit me.
“Thirst,” I croaked.
"Mac, please. Give me an hour and it will work."
"An hour. And if not..." the voice swung in my direction, "...you'll figure it out. But believe me, you'd rather cooperate."
Mac's footsteps faded away and a door slammed shut. A dull, metallic sound echoed off the bare walls.
Next to me, the other man sighed audibly. "Thank God. Jacob... I hope you don't mind if I call you by your name, do you?"
I gave a slight shake of my head.
"Fine, thanks. You can call me 'Tin.' Like the Tin Man, that tin fellow from The Wizard of Oz. Listen, Mac's a little tense, there's... a lot of money at stake."
Now I actually laughed, briefly and with all the contempt I could muster.
"I understand you. All this misery just so we can get some money. But your father has enough, it doesn't hurt him."
I turned my face toward Tin's voice. "No, not him ."
Tin was silent for a moment. "Yes. I'm sorry. I'm holding a bottle to your mouth now. Drink slowly."
The opening of a plastic bottle pressed against my lips, and small amounts of stale mineral water greedily forced their way down my throat. I had to cough.
“Slow down. I have enough,” my captor admonished me.
“Fuck you!” I hissed at him.
"Jakob, I don't blame you, but don't do that when my partner is around. You know what he's capable of."
"It doesn't matter. You'll kill me anyway once my old man pays. Either way." Then I'd never have to remember this horror again.
"You've watched too many bad movies. If Mac... if we were planning on doing this, we would have done it by now." Tin sighed again. "I can't leave you sitting here like this. If you get a chance to shower, will you promise me you won't try anything stupid? I could stop you, but trust me: I don't want to have to."
The thought of getting out of this stuffiness was tempting.
„Jakob?“
“Okay, I promise.”
His hands worked on the rope. "Oh shit. I'll put some ointment on it later, that looks pretty ugly." His finger touched my chafed wrists, and I exhaled with a hiss as the burning pain shot through my arms.
"That's going to burn pretty bad in the shower." The concern in his voice sounded genuine; maybe I was just longing for a little care. And for my boyfriend. What about Freddy? He was with me when those guys struck, but the exact circumstances were shrouded in a fog of gray.
"Whatever, smelling like an incontinent pants-shitter is worse," I commented sarcastically, which made Tin giggle. Although I found this more than inappropriate, a slight grin crept onto my face. What was normal, or even appropriate, here, in this hole?
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have laughed, but that was a good saying.” My companion made a concerned noise.
“It’s okay, I’d rather have a laugh than a kick in the stomach.”
“That’s not fair, I didn’t do anything to you,” was the offended reply.
"Did nothing? Oh yeah, right. You just kidnapped me and are holding me captive in this dungeon, threatening me with violence if I do 'something stupid'... even if you don't want me to. It easily passes as 'did nothing.'"
"Okay. You're right. Almost nothing..." He reached for my elbow and pulled me to my feet. The grip was far less gentle than before, and I let out a pained gasp.
"And this is the punishment for telling the truth? You're no better than this Mac. Your sheepskin may be a little softer, but a wolf is still a wolf."
"Jakob... stop it. I don't want you to suffer any more unnecessarily while we're holding you." He took several deep breaths. "The whole thing was a crazy idea," he added quietly. "Come." His grip loosened, and he led me through the darkness caused by a tight blindfold.
Our footsteps changed as the flooring changed from concrete to tile.
“Okay, take off your clothes,” Tin commanded.
"Is it unnecessary to ask you to turn around?" It was a purely rhetorical question, and he didn't answer. Thanks to my stiff joints, undressing was impossible. "I can barely move and my pants are sticking to me. You have to help me."
“Uh... okay.” Was I mistaken, or did he suddenly sound shy?
He awkwardly pulled the shirt over my head and I almost thought his fingers were stroking my arm.
"Awesome tattoo. Who designed it?" Almost admiringly, the rough fingertips traced the tribal lines that began on the upper arm and branched off at the shoulder. From there, they branched out across the left side of the chest and part of the left back. Freddy once told me it reminded him of a dark ghost whose bony fingers were gripping my shoulder. He fell in love with it on me immediately.
“My design,” I replied briefly.
“That must be a fortune...”
"It hurt," I interrupted. He was the last person I wanted to talk to about money.
"Your back looks bad. Mac really hit you hard. But it'll heal." The subject was forgotten.
"How long..." I began, asking a question I wasn't sure I was ready to answer. It was the first time anyone had spoken to me since the kidnapping. I lived here in dark silence. Every now and then, I was given something to drink.
Most of the time, it seemed to be Mac, because his grip was hard. He yanked on my head and usually held the drinks roughly. Tin seemed to like me, and their touches were markedly different.
"Two days, almost." He fiddled with my pants. "That might stink," he said with a slight gag.
"I'm so sorry. I couldn't make it to the bathroom." And again, I put all the sarcasm into my voice. Tin wasn't supposed to be nice; I wanted to hate him. That bastard.
Mac's roar echoed through the house. "I have to go, this might take a while!"
He breathed a sigh of relief. "I'll get you something to change into later. But at least now we have some peace and quiet."
I slowly stepped out of the wet legs of my tight, knee-length jeans. Now I stood naked in front of him.
"Tin?" Was he staring at me? At least he remained silent for a long time, and I covered my nakedness with my hands.
“Tin?” I asked quietly again.
A clearing of the throat sounded. "Uh... grab my arm, it's right in front of you. I'll help you into the cabin."
One hand remained in my crotch and I let myself be helped into the narrow cabin.
“Be careful, the edge is close, lift your feet higher,” he instructed me.
I slid to the floor against the back wall, my legs having lost their strength. My captor took the shower head and adjusted the temperature. Shortly afterward, the warm drops hit...
...on our skin. Freddy squeals and steers his bike to the shelter at the edge of the forest. The warm rain has caught us completely by surprise, a violent and sudden summer thunderstorm. Our clothes are completely soaked. There's no one to be seen anywhere; we're completely alone.
"We should take this stuff off. It'll dry faster in the sun," he suggests, winking at me. I know exactly what he's really up to. That's why it only takes a few seconds before we're standing naked, facing each other. He firmly pushes me to the ground, and I lie on my back. The lush green, damp grass tickles my cheek.
Freddy squats over me with his legs wide apart and takes hold of my cock, fixes his gaze on mine, and rides me tenderly. A long kiss follows. He clings tightly to my broad chest and moans loudly.
I don't have to wait long for his climax, and I don't have to hold back. As so often happens, tears of joy flow from his eyes.
"I can't imagine life without you anymore," he whispers with a loving undertone. His voice is almost reverent; he adores me, and I love him for it. I adore him too, worship him.
"You are my life," I reply, kissing him on the tip of his nose. And tomorrow he'll talk to my father, finally get to know him when they get back from vacation. The week flew by.
We get dressed again and hop on our bikes. Just then, the first walkers pass us. We laugh.
“That was close,” says my friend.
“And it was awesome too,” I reply.
Frederik blushes and smiles at me. Then we drive to my house.
"I'm going to take a shower, are you coming with me?" My sweetheart flutters his eyelids. How can you resist?
“Right away, I’ll get us some champagne from the cellar, I feel like celebrating.”
His eyes light up and he disappears into the bathroom. Shortly afterward, the water starts running.
"Don't start without me," I call, quickly going into the living room. I open the patio door to let the heat escape. The trees in the garden cast their cooling shade into the room.
Then I raid my parents' basement storage and arm myself with two champagne flutes. My clothes land on the floor and I run to the bathroom. But wasn't the water still running?
I place my souvenirs on the shelf next to the door and enter my private wellness temple. Freddy is lying on the floor, half in the shower. Blood is pouring from a small wound on his head. I scream in panic, trying to get to him. But then something scurries past me from the side. Everything becomes...
... dark. "Freeeedddyyyyyy," I screamed. Suddenly, a tingling sensation ran through my abdomen. A hand jerked away from my cock, and climax shook me. I began to sob and continued to crawl against the back wall. My legs slipped on the wet floor, panic coursing through me.
"Shit, ... I thought ... you were suddenly aroused and I thought you wanted ... Jakob, I..." It was Tin's voice. It was all just a dream, and this guy, of all people, had jerked me off. Had I cheated on Freddy? Freddy...
"What did you bastards do to Freddy? He was hurt!" I screamed.
"He's fine. Mac only hit him lightly, a laceration. He's in the hospital, the news said." Tin sighed. "There's something about you almost hourly."
'I wonder how my parents are doing? ' I wondered, completely out of context. My mind seemed to be slipping away.
"You have to believe me, I thought you wanted this. Otherwise, I never would have done that." Tin sounded almost pleading, guilty. "Damn, you look so good," he said, almost to himself.
My emotions boiled over. Anger, despair, everything came crashing down on me. "You're sick. Does it turn you on to see me like this? Come on," I yelled at him, "who's stopping you from taking everything?" My voice was shrill and hysterical. "Come on, do it, you sick piece of shit!"
The slight breeze signaled his next move: his hand hit my face. Not nearly as hard as his partner's, but enough to bring me back to reality. Tears flowed beneath the blindfold. Two arms pulled me tightly against Tin's body.
"Don't say that, please. I'm not that kind of person. Not against your will. Believe me... not that kind of person." He, too, was fighting back tears; I couldn't miss that. My words had hurt him deeply.
Then he let me go. "But why should you believe me? I wish you were someone else, someone who... oh, I don't know. This is my first time at this kind of thing. At first it sounds so tempting. ' Tin, it's easy money, but I need help. ' I was torn. Sure, when you're unemployed for a long time, the money is hard to come by. In theory, the plan was great. Just grab it, wait for the money, release yourself, and disappear. But it wasn't like that. We've been watching you for almost two weeks." Tin paused.
"And with that, simplicity was put to rest. I've seen you, often enough. At first, I felt like a voyeur, but it was too exciting to look away. Then it gradually faded; at some point, I wanted to be in his place. To feel your caresses, like he did."


Freddy
After two long days, the time had finally come for me to leave the hospital. The dull headache was under control again and the shock had subsided. I couldn't remember much.
Jakob and I had spent a wonderful afternoon, and I had gone into his shower. The bathroom door was ajar, and I heard the gentle rattle of the stall door as someone entered the room. I turned off the water so my friend could get in, and then the stall suddenly burst open.
But it wasn't Jacob, but a masked mountain of a man. Then came darkness.
When I came to, I was in Jakob's parents' car, lying fully clothed in the back seat. The pain in my head brought back the darkness.
There was a soft knock on the door. "Come in."
“Hello Frederik, are you ready?” It was Jakob’s father.
"Hello Mr. ... Roman." I was still getting used to calling him by his first name. He and his wife had taken turns visiting me so someone was always home waiting for news. Jakob's disappearance had brought us closer together. Ironic twist of fate. "Have you heard from him?"
He shook his head sadly. "Not a sound. The police think they might have found something, a clue to the intruder. But there's no trace of Jakob himself. Everything points to a kidnapping."
Hot tears welled up, my voice no longer obeyed me. "But then something would have to come, a ransom demand... something!"
“We’ll get him back, don’t lose hope,” he tried to encourage me.
"I miss him..."
Roman nodded. "Come on, let's go. You'll stay with us, in his room, of course."
Andrea was already waiting for us at the front door. She, too, looked haggard and sleepless. Dark circles marred her friendly face. Since returning from vacation, both of them seemed to have aged years.
I didn't look any better myself, as the mirror in the hallway showed me. Apart from a fine scar and a large bump on my forehead, I had no other traces. The doctor had assured me that nothing would remain.
The journey to Jakob's room turned into a nightmarish ordeal. My heart pounding, I pushed open the door, hoping to see a familiar face. " Hey Freddy, wake up, you were just dreaming! " His voice echoed through my head.
But the room was empty, the sheets still rumpled from the morning before we left for our bike ride. The room was missing something; its soul had vanished, leaving a vacuum behind. I headed mechanically for the bathroom.
“Don’t start without me!” He laughs.
I slip out of my clothes and enjoy the lukewarm water on my skin. The cellar door slams shut. The cabin door rattles, and a shadow darkens the cloudy frosted glass panes.
"That was quick," I say, turning off the water. Suddenly, cold air penetrates the heated interior. It's not Jakob.
"Good night," a gruesome voice booms, amused, and a hand flies forward, grabbing me by the shoulders. The tiled back wall shoots back at me. Blackout.
Suddenly I heard footsteps, excited voices. "Frederik, is everything okay?" Andrea stood in the doorway, harried. "You were screaming."
"I... it was so real, I remembered..." My body trembled under the force of the images, and my legs barely held me upright. I clung to the shower curtain.
The petite woman grabbed me with a strength I wouldn't have thought she had. "You're going to bed."
"I can't," I protested weakly, and she pulled me in front of the mirror. "Don't argue, look at yourself, you're as white as a sheet. The doctor told Roman to take good care of you. A concussion is no joke."
She was right, the headache was back, rolling through me in waves. I didn't even realize I was in bed shortly afterward.
“I’ll get you something for the pain.” She hadn’t even left the room when I fell asleep.


Jakob
He had watched Freddy and me having sex? That probably wasn't difficult, either. We felt unobserved and had done it wherever the urge arose. And that was often enough.
"We've been to your house more than once; you always leave the patio door open. That's how we knew when your parents would be back and we'd come in the day before. You came home, and we took cover in the garden behind the shed, knowing you'd open the door soon. Then you disappeared into the basement. Mac stormed into the bathroom and knocked out your boyfriend, and I waited. You almost caught me getting the glasses out of the cabinet. Soon after, Mac came back and dragged you into the living room, where I'd been waiting with your clothes, and we dressed you." Tin cleared his throat.
"My partner is quite a sadist... I don't like it when he gets too close to you or does anything to you."
I listened to the story, spellbound. The guy had a crush on me? And then he pulled all this shit for the money. I didn't know what it was like not to have money; I'd never lacked anything before. But that still didn't mean I could treat anyone the way they treated me. "You're pathetic," I whispered.
"I know." He grabbed my wrists and I yelped, the sore skin burning even more than before. Tin cinched the rope relatively tightly and tied me to the fitting. "I'll get you something to wear."
The relaxing feeling of the shower quickly disappeared again in the cramped position. Individual drops of water fell from the showerhead at regular intervals and splashed onto my thigh. How I wished I had covered my nakedness instead of waiting exposed for my 'host.'
His actions had abruptly shattered the budding trust. I felt used; sex was something intimate and important to me, an act of intimacy. And I didn't even know what Tin looked like.
Splash. Splash. The rhythm of the drops changed, taking away my constant feeling and throwing me back into solitude. The shower tray gradually cooled and I shivered. Tin was obviously taking his time. Maybe I was really mistaken; he wasn't nearly as nice as I thought. All he wanted was to touch me.
In one of the adjoining rooms, a door slammed against the wall, and someone approached with heavy footsteps. That was...
"Oh, who do we have here? My buddy couldn't control himself after all?" Panic spread through me. Mac's voice sounded dangerous, lurking, just like before. He roughly tugged on the rope and untied me. Seemingly effortlessly, he pulled me out of the shower and dragged me across the rough floor behind him. More footsteps approached.
"The hell are you doing, Mac?" Tin sounded startled, worry in his voice.
"Put away your toys. You wanted to get him to cooperate, not fuck him. Forgot?"
"God, you stupid idiot! Did you see his clothes? He stank and I made him shower. Here, I had to organize some clothes; there's no way he can wear that other rag again."
He kept quiet about everything else. Mac suddenly let go of my hands, and the back of my head hit the concrete floor. Despite the blindfold, stars danced in front of me and I groaned in agony.
"Okay, then finish that. We need the picture now. Or leave him like that, then you'll get a print." Mac laughed dirty and walked away.
"Where have you been so long? That guy scares me." Reluctantly, I accepted the sense of security Tin gave me.
"Sorry. I... had something to do so I could face you with a clear head again." He loosened the restraints and helped me to my feet. Then he put some clothes on me.
"You were right, I'm pathetic. Your body, your defenselessness... it turned me on. I wanted more."
“Why are you telling me this?”
"Because I want to be honest. And it can't happen."
“Thank you for your openness.”
"All right. I owe you that much, at least." His hand gently stroked my cheek. "Come on, I've prepared another surprise."
Taken by surprise, I let him pull me. The way back was different; we didn't go back to my old dungeon.
"So, we're here. It's not the Ritz, but it'll be fine."
I shrugged. "Not that I can tell the difference."
"Yes, you will. At least for a moment. Mac will be right back."
Before I could say anything, his hands rested on the fabric and pulled it slightly over his eyes. Surprised, I looked down at a mattress—no, two mattresses—and a small chemical toilet. Then the surroundings darkened again.
"At least it's better than before. You can lie here too."
I was speechless. The carefully constructed image of hate collapsed again, piece by piece. "Why two mattresses?"
"I'll stay here most of the time so I can untie you when you need to go to the bathroom. Otherwise, it's pointless. And then you won't be alone with Mac; he already knows and he doesn't care."
"Thank you." I meant it. Despite the incident, I was starting to feel more comfortable around him.
Shortly afterwards, his accomplice entered the room and Tin led me to the back mattress.
“Your toy should lift its head,” he commented.
"He's not my toy. Okay, Jacob..."
I reacted immediately, not wanting to provoke another kick. The artificial whir of a digital camera sounded. "There you go."
"I'll leave you lovebirds alone. It'll take a few hours." The door closed and Tin breathed a sigh of relief.
“Finally, peace and quiet.”
“And what now?”
Silence. Then a clearing of the throat, followed by labored, thoughtful breathing. Suddenly, my hands were on my face again, and a moment later, chocolate-brown eyes were in front of me. I flinched in shock, my eyelids snapping shut.
“I didn’t see you, I swear!” On television, you were no longer safe when you saw your kidnappers.
"Jacob, open your eyes. Consider this proof that I trust you and you don't have to be afraid of me."
"But I could describe you to the police," I interjected. "Do you want to take the risk?"
“By then we’ll be long gone.”
I slowly opened my eyes and looked around. Tin had moved to the other mattress and was looking nervously at me. He looked good. Younger than I thought, a friendly face, in good shape.
"It's only fair, after seeing you in a completely different light earlier." He blushed a little, seeming genuinely uncomfortable. No, I was in no immediate danger from him. My scrutiny seemed to unsettle him, and he ran his hand through his light brown hair, embarrassed.
"You must find me pretty repulsive, right? For everything we're doing to you."
"I don't know how to find you. What you say and what you do... repulsive certainly doesn't quite describe it. Actually, I guess I'm glad you're here, too."
Tin smiled a little.
“Do you have a boyfriend?” My disappointment at his behavior had given way to curiosity.
“It never happened.” Now I finally saw the face that sighed.
"Why? Under other circumstances, you'd probably be even nicer, you look good." Had I complimented him?
"Thanks." An embarrassed smile accompanied the words. "The nice guys don't like my friends. None of them have ever stayed very long."
"Maybe you'd be with other ' friends better off '."
"If only it were that easy." Tin turned his head to the side. "I'm in debt, a lot of debt to the wrong people. My buddies... well, the small jobs help me get by pretty well. And this," his hand made a slight curve through the basement room, "you'll get rid of the debt. We'll get away, and I can make a fresh start."
"I see. I'm just the jackpot."
"Jakob, you don't have to believe me, but I'm sorry. It's too late to undo everything now. I'll make your stay as pleasant as possible." He gave me a pitying look.
"The worst part so far has been the loneliness. And not knowing which of you is coming downstairs. Mac obviously has no problem hurting me for no reason."
"No, he didn't. But that's why I'm here now. I can't watch this anymore. As I said, he's a sadist. That's why he only took the photo today. Your parents don't know anything for sure yet; he wanted them to worry first. Wear them down through ignorance. It increases their willingness to pay, he says."
“But Freddy…”
"Your friend stayed behind so they knew something had happened. But not why."
“Is he really okay?” The image of him lying bleeding on the ground kept circling through my head.
"He's conscious. According to the news, he was found in your house. Apathetic, in shock, but awake."
“When will I get out of here?” My stomach had turned into a painful lump as I talked about Frederik, and Tin seemed to sense what was going on inside me.
"I don't know exactly. Mac is handling the... ransom." The word was difficult for him. "Maybe two or three more days. I have no experience with this sort of thing."
A wave of fatigue washed over me, one I simply couldn't fight. And with it came the fear, which continued to manifest itself within me. As much as I wanted to believe Tin, Mac made me panic. The guy would get rid of me in other ways if necessary.
“I would like to sleep.”
"Okay. But unfortunately, I have to tie you down. Your eyes too. My buddy shouldn't see you like this."
I reluctantly nodded, but my options were limited. Tin set to work, tying my hands behind my head to a massive tube before the binding also blocked my vision. It was uncomfortable, but much better than in the other room, where my arms were constantly above my head.
“Are you okay?” he asked in a tone that could almost be described as concerned.
“No, but what choice do I have,” I retorted.
"Wait a minute."
He pushed the mattress closer to the pipe so I could rest my hands over my forehead. The position was significantly better, though not ideal. While I was still thinking about how to cross my arms behind my neck, Tin lifted my head and in turn tucked his arm under me. Inevitably, this also meant bringing his body closer to me. The intimacy of the situation confused me; this gesture was both comfortable and surprising. Regarding Freddy, I felt a profound sense of guilt.
"Should I leave you alone?" Tin must have seen the inner struggle on my face. As crazy as it seemed to me, I preferred his closeness to the lonely darkness. It almost exuded a feeling of security.
This also reminded me of my boyfriend. Everyone else automatically assumed that my little one was the passive part of our relationship and that I was the more dominant one, simply because he seemed petite and fragile. Physically, he was the exact opposite of me. Frederik, on the other hand, was very clear in his ideas and sometimes a real stubborn person. There were no defined roles between us; everyone was sometimes strong and sometimes weak.
In that basement, I was weak and longed for affection, which Tin readily offered me.
“It’s okay... better than before,” I replied.
He brushed a strand of hair from my forehead. "I'll wait here until you're asleep and then go over..."
His voice penetrated only faintly through the cottony silence that surrounded me just before I fell asleep.
"Are you okay?" Frederik's eyes shine like a summer day. A warm, blue glow caresses my face with concern.
"I don't know. It's this feeling... like something's wrong."
He puts his hand on my cheek and kisses my forehead. "I'll take care of you."
The warmth of his body lies on me like a blanket, exudes confidence and love, and gives me the feeling that together we can achieve anything.
His hand glides inquisitively over my stomach and lingers in my crotch. "I want to sleep with you," he whispers in his rough, dark voice.
Then he rolls on top of me, pressing himself longingly between my legs. I look at his face, see the lust in his eyes.
Reality distorts, his image flickers. As if a parallel world is superimposed over ours. Fragments of this alien dimension overlay his face. The lustful expression gives way to a grimace of pain. Blood flows from his forehead.
He smiles and moans, suffers and screams. The images change ever faster. I'm covered in blood. His face becomes a strobe of pleasure and pain, and I freeze, unable to move or speak.
My friend becomes diffuse, his slender form dissolves and becomes a shadow. A massive shadow, from which glowing red eyes stare down at me. Evil, cold, and threatening. 'You're not getting out of here, I'll kill you.' The threat is a promise. The shadowy hand wraps itself iron-like around my throat and squeezes. I suffocate, want to scream, want to free myself, thrash about, but my body doesn't move. My hands are transparent, hovering above my shell, blurring in spasmodic twitches.
'Jacob...' The voice calls me. 'Jacob... come to me!
I don't want to go, I don't want to die. I can't leave Freddy alone. 'Jakob!'
My face hurts, something is hitting me, my shell. My mind watches as my body's head is thrown back and forth under the blows. 'Jacob... come!'
"Jakob, damn it! Come to, you're dreaming!" The voice became clearer. Disoriented, I thrashed around and grabbed something. Warm and breathing, pressed close to me. Freddy?
I hugged him, grateful, pressed my face against his chest, and cried. It was only a dream.
“It’s all right, I’m with you.”
And then it hit me again, Freddy couldn't be here. "Let me go, Tin. Now!" I hissed.
"I just wanted to help. You had a nightmare." My rejection hurt him.
"Help? You're to blame for this nightmare. You and Mac. I hate you," I heard myself whisper. My nerves were fraying, and I burst into tears. Was this what fear of death felt like?
The dream had robbed me of all hope of getting out of here alive. Desperately, I took the initiative and clung to Tin again. Only then did I realize I was no longer bound. My joints ached, and there was blood on the red welts.
“I had to untie you, otherwise you would have torn your hands off,” he said, as if he had guessed my thoughts.
“I’m fucking scared.”
Instead of answering, he stroked my neck, and in the moment, I didn't care. No, it did matter: I felt gratitude. Tin, of all people, had become an anchor, keeping me back from the brink of madness. It wasn't long before my eyes closed again. All I noticed was him laying me back on the mattress and covering me with his jacket. He no longer tied my hands.


Freddy
We stared at the monitor, spellbound. Horror mixed with the certainty emanating from the email. Jakob leaped toward us, gigantic, covered in bruises and bloody welts. Below was the hefty demand for 450,000 euros.
The email came via an anonymous proxy server, as we soon discovered.
He looked so horrible, the image burned itself into our retinas. Andrea began to sob, and all I could hear from Roman was the grinding of his jaw. No one uttered a word. I was almost glad his eyes were blindfolded and we didn't have to see the expression in them.
"Those bastards!" My voice shattered the silence in the room. "What do we do now?" I added more quietly. This sum seemed so unimaginably enormous to me.
"I wonder what? We'll pay, of course. I'll call the bank." Roman spoke dangerously quietly, with suppressed anger. We had already informed the police shortly after receiving the email. Perhaps their experts would still be able to find out something about the sender.
Soon after, the doorbell rang and three plainclothes police officers entered.
"Van Bergen," one of the men, the youngest of the group, introduced himself. "I'm leading the investigation. Please show us the computer with the email."
The six of us huddled around the PC. Our visitors wore concerned expressions.
“Please bring me back my boy!” Andrea was almost hysterical.
“Mrs. Raller, we will do everything in our power to ensure he returns safely.”
"All right?" Roman growled darkly. "He doesn't look all right."
"Of course we understand you, but we have to keep our cool. Can you raise the ransom demanded?"
“Yes, the bank has it by tomorrow.”
"Good. We'll see if we can trace anything from the email. Otherwise, pick up the money tomorrow. My colleagues will drive to your bank later, where we'll deposit a prepared banknote. It's equipped with a transmitter that can't be easily detected. This will allow us to track its progress. A special team will also be on standby as soon as we have more information about the handover. Don't worry any more than you already do. Trust us, we'll do our best."
"And what will happen to Jacob if the police suddenly appear everywhere?" I didn't like the plan; the criminals might panic and then...
“I understand your concern... Frederik?”
I nodded. "But you can call me informally..."
He thought for a moment. "Then call me Fabian, for once," he offered, to everyone's surprise. "Experience shows that the kidnappers won't kill their hostage if they're surrounded. It weakens their position considerably," van Bergen explained. "Furthermore, the bag will be equipped with a transmitter that's relatively easy to detect. Perhaps this will make the kidnapper think he's outsmarted us and lull him into a false sense of security."
“If you haven’t killed him first,” I interjected bitterly.
"You can't think about that, young man." The police officer exuded a certain confidence, which rubbed off on me. He certainly had more experience with this, which I wasn't jealous of. This one time was enough.
"We'll stay in touch, here's my card," he said to Jakob's parents. Roman accepted it with a slight nod, and the three of them left after a brief goodbye.
Once again we were condemned to wait.


Jakob
"What's going on here?" A loud roar ended my dreamless sleep. My groping hand found nothing. I was alone on the mattress. Tin had kept his word.
His sleepy voice echoed through the room. "What are you yelling about?"
"Why isn't he tied up, you idiot?" Mac was furious, growling like a thunderstorm. Before Tin could answer, something incredibly heavy landed on my pelvis, pinning me down. Rough hands yanked my arms back, and moments later, the rope pressed down on my sore flesh again. I wanted to scream, but the massive body crushed all the air from my lungs.
"Mac, leave him alone. I'll take care of it."
The guy's knees continued to press against my ribs, unfazed, while his massive arms crushed my ribcage. I could almost hear the cracking in my mind.
"MAC! You're killing him!" Tin's voice was desperate, his worry for me physically palpable.
"You're right, not yet." The guy's voice was ice-cold, but trembled with an underlying excitement. He was enjoying himself, no question.
"What do you mean? Hey, that's not part of the plan! You promised to let him go!"
The mountain of a man rose from me. "Maybe, maybe not. You have your fun, maybe I'll have mine. As a little bonus."
The panic returned. Tin was relatively slim and significantly lighter. Mac seemed enormous. If he were to go for it, my guard wouldn't be able to protect me anymore. The certainty came: The game was over for me.
"I'm in a brothel. Your fucking gay, soft-soap stuff makes me sick."
The monster left us alone, and the air slowly flowed back into my lungs. My hands went numb; the rope was far too tight.
“Tin? Are you still there?” I asked croakily.
"Yes, I am." He immediately came to me and untied me. "I... didn't mean to."
"Let me go, please. I don't want to die," I begged him.
"Jakob... I can't. Then he'll kill me and come after you. We have to get through this, only then will it really be over." The desperation in his voice was genuine. Tin wasn't the mastermind, and certainly not the one in control here. In a perverse way, he was also trapped, like me.
“We,” I whispered in disbelief.
"I want it to be over, too. This is all so wrong, nothing is going the way I imagined."
By now I was sitting, and Tin was holding my cheeks, wiping away my tears. His warm hands gave me confidence. He would do anything to ensure I survived the nightmare alive.
As if by themselves, my hands wandered to his neck and pulled him closer. ' I'm sorry, Freddy .' The pain and fear required balance, a positive feeling. My lips pulled the balance from his. A disbelieving sound escaped his throat, followed by a happy sigh. But as unexpectedly as this kiss began, it ended just as suddenly.
"Stop it. This isn't right!" Tin stood up and paced the room, visibly agitated. I recognized a desperate struggle against his own decision.
“I thought you had a crush on me?” I asked, irritated.
"But not you! You have a boyfriend you love. I don't want to be the backup."
"Tin, I can't get out of here. If Mac doesn't want me to, then you have no choice. At least leave me the security of being with you."
„Thomas.“
„Was?“
"My name is Thomas. And you're getting out of here. Everything will be fine."
“You don’t really believe that,” I snorted.
He approached me and crouched down. "Stop it, okay? Don't give up. You'll get out of here, process it, and forget about it someday, I hope. Nothing will happen to you, I'll make sure of that."
Thomas paced back and forth, cursing. He would have ended the whole thing if he could, and I was grateful. Then I paused. Thomas?
“Why did you tell me your name?”
"Does it even make a difference? You already know too much about me. Too much for a simple hostage, which you are not to me, not anymore. Listen, I'll really do everything in my power. But you should know something else about Mac..."


Freddy
"There are new findings in the Jakob Raller case. As we have been informed by an unconfirmed source, one of the kidnappers appears to have been identified. The suspected perpetrator, whose name we cannot disclose at this time, is considered unpredictable and has already served several years in prison for aggravated robbery, assault, and manslaughter. Further details will follow as soon as the investigating authorities confirm the information."
The news caught me completely unprepared.
Andrea and Roman were on their way to the bank, and I was guarding the phone and computer. How could those idiots bring something like that? That shitty radio station was ruining everything.
Almost in a panic, I grabbed my cell phone and dialed the number on a simple business card.
“Van Bergen,” the policeman’s friendly voice answered.
"They're crazy!" I cried angrily. "Those idiots at the station!"
"Oh, Frederik. Yes, don't worry, they'll send a retraction soon. Officially, we're in the dark."
“Is it true?” His statement, this ‘ official ’, made me sweat with fear.
There was silence for a moment. "The fingerprint we found in the bathroom belongs to a Mark Carstens, who calls himself Mac. And yes, someone has leaked internal information."
"That's a lot of reassurance," I bleated sarcastically into the phone. I was internally shitting my pants with fear.
"Please keep calm. We'll take care of it. And I want to commend you for reacting so quickly. I only heard the news by chance. You'll see your friend again, I firmly believe it."
"Thanks," I replied weakly. "And sorry, I didn't mean to shout. My nerves are just frayed."
"No one blames you, Frederik. If I were you, I'd probably be a bit reckless, too. Don't think I'm unaffected by what you're going through, but in my job, those feelings have to be put aside so that no mistakes are made."
"Okay, I understand. It's probably not always easy."
"No. But don't be mad, I have to go and take care of urgent matters. Call me as soon as you get a message from the kidnappers."
"I'll do it. Bye..."
My emotions were more than mixed. Jakob was in the power of a crazed thug, and there was absolutely nothing we could do about it. I had never felt so helpless before. The criminals had easily eliminated me, and I was lucky they hadn't killed me. To them, I was worthless. No wealthy family behind me, not even living parents.
I could almost understand Roman thinking I was only interested in the money. At least in the beginning, but not for the entire two years. "Calm down, he's realized it," I told myself.
Ten minutes later, the radio station corrected its headline, saying the report about the Raller case was misinformation. One could only hope that the perpetrator hadn't heard any of the reports. He would surely have recognized himself.


Jakob
"Shit. And you call a guy like that a friend?" Thomas' descriptions of Mac's criminal record sent shivers down my spine.
"Yes... no. He's always helped me out with lucrative jobs. Minor fractures and such. But I've never seen him like that before. He scares me a little, too."
It was easy for him to say, Mac hadn't threatened him.
"You can't protect me from him, you know that."
Tin's confidence crumbled for a moment, but then his determination returned. "I'll find a way."
He sat down next to me and sank into silent contemplation, but kept his arm protectively around me. Long since freed from the bandage, I gazed unashamedly at his stubbly face. He was so completely different from Freddy, pure masculinity in every way. I imagined the dark circles under his eyes were my fault, because he had watched over me. His persistence in wanting to protect me aroused my affection. Nevertheless, my doubts remained.
Mac didn't make empty promises.
Many things were on my mind. I cautiously sniffed the man next to me. A smell I found quite appealing. In stark contrast to Mac, whose foul breath I'd gotten in full force while he was squatting on top of me. The sour odor from his body was nauseating.
And then there was Frederik again. His sweet scent, the sparkle in his eyes. His vulnerability, his superiority. A man full of contradictions. Without him, I was incomplete, and I longed for completion.
“Jakob, don’t…” Thomas’ voice brought me back to the present.
Confused, I looked at him and realized my hand had taken a life of its own, stroking his thigh, dangerously close to a growing bulge. He held it tight.
"Under different circumstances... I wanted this so. But you'd regret it. When this is over, I'll be gone, and you'll have to fight your conscience. And that..."
He didn't understand. I wouldn't see Freddy again. Why didn't he face the facts? My lips sealed his mouth, and the brief resistance died. Despite his tired bones, I pushed him down onto the mattress and slid my hands under his shirt, exploring. I felt soft hair on his firm stomach and heard his longing moans.
My hand fought its way into my waistband, and I was met with another surprise. He had long since stopped returning my kiss and was holding my hand tightly. He looked at me with an indefinable expression, but there was an almost final determination in his gaze.
"I'm not that kind of person. It just won't work," he whispered, gently pushing me off him. I stopped him from getting up.
"I know that, you've proven to me that you're different. And I want to feel alive."
His desire grew; he couldn't hide it, but he still fought against it. "You really want it?" One last flicker of unwilling resistance flared up, which a simple nod finally overturned.
Without further resistance, he let himself be pressed back onto the soft surface and returned the kiss with demanding passion. Starved would describe it even better.
Ignoring the pain in my hands, I rubbed his rock-hard bulge. A panicked groan followed, and the body beneath me spasmed before it went limp, breathing heavily.
"Sorry," he whispered after a moment. "It was a long time ago."
"It doesn't matter." I fiddled with his belt. "But I want something too."
Thomas helped me undress and then undressed himself. His hands glided longingly over my glowing body. I looked at the naked guy next to me with great interest. He was very different from Freddy. He was slim but very wiry, and I also noticed a slight fuzz on his chest. I usually prefer smooth skin, but it suited Thomas. It wasn't too much.
As my hand caressed his ass, he turned his back to me, and I pressed myself against him eagerly. He enjoyed the closeness, but interrupted me when I tried to penetrate him.
"Slowly, sports friend," he said in a tender voice, rising to his feet, looking for his jacket, from which he pulled out a small bag. Without comment, he rolled the latex coat, brand 'Extrafeucht', over my erection.
“Lie on your back and make yourself comfortable.”
I did what he wanted, and he straddled me. He grimaced briefly, but otherwise I slid into him without any problems. Thomas took the lead and set a pleasant rhythm. His sensitivity was fantastic. Again and again, he leaned forward for a kiss, and his hasty blunder was soon forgotten as his little friend stretched upwards again.
As time went on, he seemed to get more nervous and increased his pace quite rapidly so as not to prolong the act unnecessarily. He helped himself with his hand, and shortly afterward, we came, simultaneously.
Then he tried to get up, but I held him back. "What's wrong?"
His gaze fell on his watch. "I don't want Mac to surprise us like this. Do you?"
The desire to fall asleep snuggled up against his body suddenly vanished. "No, absolutely not." For a moment, I forgot about the situation around me. And with the disillusionment came a guilty conscience.
The certainty of no longer having to look Frederik in the eye was only moderately comforting. Actually, not at all. And suddenly, my emotional world was torn apart. Nothing was safe anymore. I loved Freddy, but Thomas also crept into my heart, despite the very unromantic scene before.
"I knew it was a mistake. You didn't want to listen." Tin had risen unnoticed and, almost fully dressed again, looked down at me sadly.
“I’m sorry, really.”
He removed the elastic and put my clothes back on. "Just forget it. I should have been stronger."
Suddenly I started giggling, which slowly developed into a loud laugh, which earned me a stunned look.
It was all too absurd. I had been kidnapped, held captive, and hurt. But now it was me who was apologizing for his insistence, and it was Thomas who was forgiving me and blaming himself.
“Are you okay, Jacob?”
I just laughed louder. Was this what madness felt like? Gradually, the pain in my stomach took my breath away, until the laughter became a mixture of chuckles and groans.
"Hey, calm down! Is everything okay?" He answered himself after sitting down next to me and stroking my forehead, which calmed my spasmodic laughing cough. "Stupid question, of course nothing's okay. Oh shit, I shouldn't have done that..."
"Stop it," I managed. "You had no choice."
"I was terrible," he grinned a little. "I acted like a novice."
"Indeed," I confirmed. The tense tension gradually eased.
He grabbed my hand. "I felt the same way. Like a fucking teenager the first time. Did it at least give you what you hoped for?"
"For a moment," I sighed. "And just watch out, I'm still a 'fucking teenager.' At least for a few more months." And with that thought, the rising elation vanished. "If I have the time."
This time it was Thomas who snuggled against my back and comforted me. "Please, don't get carried away with this."
He paused for a long moment, broken only by our steady breathing. "I would have liked to have taken more time for this. Not for the sex, but for the timing. Technically, you've only known me for a day. And it was actually too important to me to lose it for a quickie. You're a damn interesting person. With you as a friend, things might have turned out differently. But when everything went south, I was alone, with no one there to give me a kick to get me moving forward. I admire your energy."
“You don’t really know me at all.”
“I learned a lot about you during the observation.”
"When did your descent actually begin?" I changed the subject. I didn't want to hear anything about the preparations for the kidnapping.
"A good five years ago, after my apprenticeship. I wasn't hired back then, and that really got me down."
"How old are you?"
“28. Before that, I was in the army for two years.”
"You do realize I was only 14 back then, right? I wasn't nearly as relaxed as I am today, I was often involved in fights, and I had no serious interest in other boys, at least not for long-term relationships. Girls were certainly out of the question. It wasn't until Freddy showed up at our house two and a half years later that everything changed. It was as if he gave my life a new meaning."
Thomas cleared his throat audibly. "What happened back then, if I may ask?"
"I was careless. I knew from an early age that I was into guys. But that didn't mean the others should know too. But then I was caught in the bathroom with a classmate. There was a huge scene in the schoolyard; a small group of students started pushing us across the yard. And I proved to them that a faggot isn't a whiny, weak girl. It happened again and again that someone wanted to have some 'fun' and attacked me in public.
I myself was very open about being gay, perhaps out of spite. Which, in turn, provoked anger. My parents could tell you stories..." I mentally slapped myself several times. Wrong topic, completely wrong topic.
"Forget that last sentence. The other guys became an end in themselves. I had a few fleeting affairs, and always in a way that someone had to find out about. At some point, nobody cared anymore and... I don't know exactly how to put this, suddenly the sex had lost its meaning. It was incomplete. And then, one day..."
"You Matze, who is that?" I secretly point to an unknown student. His golden-blond hair shines in the sun, and his black clothes accentuate his honey-colored skin. He's fragilely thin, but his blue eyes, which look around attentively, radiate strength. My heart is pounding. He's talking to another student, and his voice, velvety yet raspy, gives me goosebumps.
Matthias is always well-informed; his mother is our deputy principal. "A new arrival. He's supposed to be in our grade, but he's probably repeating last year. Why do you ask?" He looks at me and starts to grin. "Forget it. Even if he were gay, your reputation precedes you. No one here wants to mess with you anymore."
"Oh, shut up," I growl at him. But Matthias is right. Of the few guys who could have been involved with me, none wanted to be with me anymore.
“And what happened then?” Thomas listened intently.
"Matze was right, or so it seemed at first. Frederik mostly avoided me, but always smiled at me whenever we met somewhere. I almost became a stalker, seeking proximity and observing him. Then he joined the school newspaper, wrote a few articles, and published illustrations." I paused the story to regain control of my heart.
"He's a gifted artist... and I fell in love with him, with his words, with his pictures. We hadn't even exchanged ten words before then."
“Did you know he was gay too?”
"No. I don't think anyone knew either. He always remained noncommittal, was nice to girls, and reserved around guys. It drove me crazy; everything pointed to him being straight. A few months later, everything changed. I..."
...I search the playground; Frederik is still missing. I have to find him, see him, and know for sure. For days, I've been trying to figure out how to express my problem as casually as possible. But not too coolly. I just can't take it anymore! When I close my eyes, I see him, dream about him.
I sneak around the building and look out at the municipal park. A few hundred meters from the school lies the southern shore of a small lake. It's midday, and the sun beats down on my neck, cooking me softly as my legs carry me to the northern shore.
I'm about to give up, but then a ray of light catches a golden strand peeking out from behind a tree. My heart pounds, and I creep toward the trunk that conceals the object of my desire.
Sure enough, it's Frederik. He's sitting on the ground, his back against the trunk. His pad is on his knees, and he's drawing with concentration.
My eyes devour the picture. He's painted the lakeshore with absolute perfection. But that's not what takes my breath away. Two figures lie in front of the lake, tightly embraced and naked. They're men. Every detail is recognizable.
His pen flies across the page, adding up the tiny flowers growing in the meadow before us.
'He's gay,' I think to myself. And he must know I am too. My heart sinks; he's not interested. The sun melts the last shred of courage from my mind, and I quietly turn around, making no sound.
“Do you want to leave already, Casanova?”
I freeze in mid-motion. His voice sounds amused. A quick glance over his shoulder shows him still at work, his head rigidly forward, his pen moving across the page at a frantic pace. The image comes to life before my eyes. The two figures roll across the meadow, wrestling, kissing. They look like us, like him and me.
'It's just my imagination, my head is playing tricks on me,' I silently tell myself.
"Okay, maybe I was wrong and you don't want to talk to me. Then at least don't forget to breathe when you leave." He puts the pen down and turns his face toward me. There's a hint of mockery in his eyes.
“I... where...?” My lips disobey and produce wild stammering.
"Your deodorant or your aftershave? I don't know exactly." Frederik stands up and brushes the dusty dirt off his pants, then walks toward me, stands on tiptoe, and sniffs. "Okay, it was your aftershave."
He turns around again and runs to the shore, leaving me standing there again. My heart is now racing abnormally fast.
'I want you,' I think.
"Oh, tell me something I don't know." Again, the gentle mockery in his eyes hits me, and he recognizes my startled expression. "I see, you must have been thinking out loud." He examines my stiffened crotch. "Well, you're forgiven. It's hard to think in your state."
For the first time, anger grows within me. "Tell me, are you kidding me? Who do you think you are?"
His sly smile clearly shows that he's not taking me seriously. "I haven't been stalking you for weeks like a cat in heat, Casanova."
Matthias was right, my reputation had indeed preceded me.
"Okay, just forget it. I'll stop." I mean it and turn around. Frederik is just playing a joke on me.
"As you wish. Then I have to assume you were just looking for another notch for your bedpost? At times, I was almost convinced you had a genuine interest. Too bad." He casually kicks a stone into the water and gathers his belongings. Then he walks past me without a word.
“Wait!” I call after him.
Thomas shifted nervously, completely captivated by the story. "And did he wait?"
"No," I remembered. "The bastard just kept going. I didn't even go after him at first. After the incident, it took me a few days to get my thoughts back in order. No one had ever upset me like that before. And then I realized: it was either him or no one. I started to fight.
Frederik let me court him, only to give me the cold shoulder again. He completely played me. I didn't know he'd already fallen in love with me and was playing it like a test. Certainty, that's what he was after."
“You obviously made it,” the man next to me remarked.
"Yes, after a total of six months, I had reached my goal, but it was completely different than planned. He had mercilessly rebuffed every attempt to seduce him. And then, as he had done many times before, he invited me to a movie night at his place. I was incredibly frustrated, but I didn't want to miss his company, so I agreed. And then he simply turned the tables, so I was the one being seduced. He enjoyed driving me crazy. But the real surprise was yet to come: I hadn't expected it from the gentle little fellow, but he took the active part, completely new territory for me. And then we were finally together."
The story had excited Tin, I could feel it all too clearly. But my head was clearly screaming 'No!' Everything was full of Freddy and my body tensed. The pressure on my buttocks immediately eased. The thought that Thomas had watched me like that was frightening. This part belonged only to my boyfriend and me.
As if on command, there was a rumble in the rooms above us.
Mac's presence overshadowed the relaxed atmosphere and brought the nightmare back to the surface. To make matters worse, the warming body also separated from me, leaving me to my inner cold.
"I'm sorry, but we have to... I have to tie you up again, quickly!" The sound of doors opening and closing came closer.
As soon as Thomas lay back on his mattress, the door flew open.
"That fucking whore had me thrown out because I was supposedly too rough!" he slurred loudly. He was drunk.
“Mac! Mac, get away from there, it’s not his fault!” Open panic rang in his voice and rubbed off on me.
"Yes, it's his fault! Your stupid faggot."
Suddenly, a hail of brutal blows rained down on me. A pitch-black unconsciousness released me only after a few seconds, and these seemed like an eternity in hell.

---

An inhuman groan tore through my throat. My body burned as if I had lain in a bath of lava.
"Jakob, my God, you're awake. I couldn't stop him in time, I'm so sorry." Thomas's excited chatter thundered painfully in my skull.
“Everything...hurts.”
"I know ..."
He put something in my mouth—tablets, I assumed—and carefully held a cup to my mouth so I could swallow the stuff. After that, I drifted off again.
The next time I woke up, I felt a little better. I was finally able to open my eyes and looked into Thomas's worried face.
"Do you still think you can save me?"
This time he didn't answer me and refilled the cup. "Drink, you've been unconscious for a long time."
"How long?"
He hesitated. "Almost two days."
I was speechless with shock. Ultimately, I was glad Mac hadn't killed me yet. Although the question arose whether that wouldn't have been the better course of action.
"Jakob, we'll find out soon. He left earlier, the handover is coming up."
So soon it was over, one way or another. Thomas refrained from stroking me to calm me down, so as not to cause me more pain.
"I'll call you an ambulance as soon as we're gone. Unfortunately, there's nothing more I can do. Hang in there." Tears fought their way from his eyes.
"Whatever happens, I forgive you, Thomas," I whispered, moved. Now all his dams broke and he cried uncontrollably.
We waited in depressed silence until, hours later, something happened. Hurried footsteps rushed toward our basement room.
"I've got the damn money! Let's go!" Mac pressed something into Thomas's hand. "I'll wait by the car, take care of this."
I stared in shock at the black object in Tin's fingers: a gun.
"He... finish him off? We have everything!"
Mac laughed evilly and pointed at me. "He can see me! It's his own fault, why did you have to take off his blindfold?"
“No, I won’t kill him!”
“You wimp, come on, give me the gun!”
The brutal giant charged forward, and both of them fought over the murderous piece of metal. I closed my eyes, not wanting to watch it anymore. Then a shot rang out. The bang echoed off the bare walls and momentarily deafened me.
A voice suddenly interrupted the loud beeping: "Jakob, get up, we have to get out!"
Thomas stood in front of me, the gun in his left hand and his right hand held out to me. But I couldn't get up; the pain was overwhelming. My rescuer knelt down and placed the pistol on the mattress so he could pull me into his arms. He almost had me sitting up, but then events took a turn for the worse.
Tommy slumped over, and Mac straightened up. He was holding his wounded shoulder, and a blood-stained blade flashed from his other hand. The bastard had stabbed Thomas!
My fingers groped across the mattress and encountered the deadly steel. The murderer couldn't see it; the lifeless body on top of me blocked his view.
"Leave more for me," he groaned. The colossus approached with slow steps. My fingers wrapped around the handle, my mind shut down. The first bullet missed, but the second painted a red hole on his beefy forehead. Red mist sank to the ground behind him. My finger continued to pull the trigger until only a faint metallic click sounded. The knife fell to the ground, and the human mountain slumped.
With my last ounce of strength, I pulled Thomas's body toward me, hugged him, my weapon hand on his back, before diving back into the world of shadows. 'You kept your promise,' was my last thought.


Freddy
The tension rose immeasurably, two tiny dots on the display moved away from each other.
"He left the bag behind, just as expected, but not the fake bill," Inspector van Bergen explained to me. He had taken me along after some urging on my part. Jakob's parents were sitting behind us in the patrol car and were probably looking at the same picture.
The police convoy began to move, quietly and without attracting attention.
“Is he still alive?”
The inspector put his hand on my shoulder and smiled encouragingly, but his eyes told me, 'I hope so.'
Another police officer checked the GPS signal against a map after the dot was only slightly shaky. His radio beeped, and he spoke into his headset. "Confirmed. He's in the abandoned industrial area."
The cars stopped shortly afterwards and several armored police officers swarmed out.
“Stay in the car at all costs,” Fabian warned me.
Suddenly, shots echoed through the area, coming from somewhere below. My heart stopped, and a barked "Access!" came over the radio's loudspeaker.
The next few minutes dragged on endlessly. Seconds turned into hours. I looked anxiously at the inspector, who was ignoring me at the moment; the tension hung heavy over the area.
"Headquarters, this is the operations commander. Two injured and one dead body."
I threw up on the floor.
“Everything is fine, your friend is alive.” Van Bergen held out a paper bag to me, but my stomach had calmed down, for the moment.
“I want to get down there, now!”
The police officer shook his head. "It looks bad. Wait until the paramedics get here."
“Jacky needs me!”
“Frederik, he’s not conscious, there’s nothing you can do now.”
Jakob's parents were standing by the car next to me, arguing heatedly with another police officer. They didn't want to wait any longer either. I ran over to them.
“They won’t let me down.”
Jakob's mother nodded. "I know we're not allowed to either. But the ambulance will be here soon, everything will be fine." The last words were drowned out by her sobs, and Roman hugged us both. At that moment, the sirens of the ambulances sounded as they drove onto the grounds at high speed.
Van Bergen instructed the paramedics, and the team disappeared into the building, returning just a few minutes later with the first stretcher. It had to be one of the kidnappers, a man in his mid-twenties. He was immediately loaded onto the stretcher, and the first vehicle set off.
Then the next stretcher arrived, Jacob, no doubt about it, and the sight of him sent a stab through my heart. His face was swollen and discolored, covered in blood, even worse than the picture in the email. A silent mask of suffering was frozen on his features.
“Jakob!” Van Bergen’s hand stopped my sudden sprint forward.
"He needs to be examined as quickly as possible. We're taking you all to the hospital." His gaze fell on two colleagues, whom my friend's parents were barely able to hold back. "We're moving out. I'll join you later," he said into his microphone. "Well then, let's go."
A few minutes later, we chased the ambulance with our blue lights flashing and approached our destination. My friend was immediately taken to the emergency room, and we were escorted to the waiting area.
Roman and Andrea took me between them. The pent-up worry of the last few days erupted.
One of the sisters served us tea while the clock hand moved agonizingly slowly.
We were lost in our thoughts for almost an hour until a doctor entered the waiting room and gave us a fake, noncommittal 'everything will be fine' smile.
"My name is Dr. Resch, I'm treating Jakob Raller. Please follow me."
We mechanically stood up and found ourselves in an empty treatment room.
"Well, you probably have a lot of questions, but let me first share my good news. He's doing well, considering the circumstances. Two ribs are broken, he has some bruises, and minor lacerations. We're currently replacing his fluid loss. Physically, he'll make a full recovery. However, he'll have to stay here for a few more days, and we'll have him supervised by our psychologists. We also have a specialist for such cases."
“My poor boy,” Andrea whispered, sobbing.
"Mrs. Raller, we don't know how he'll cope with this. It's essential that he receives professional care."
Everything inside me tensed up. My mind conjured up images of Jacob's screams of pain.
“Would you please leave your parents and me alone for a moment?” The doctor looked at me intently.
"I'm not his brother. We're together."
“Frederik can stay,” Roman chimed in, who hadn’t said a word since our arrival.
"Okay... I haven't told you everything yet. It appears that Jakob is responsible for the death of one of the kidnappers. He had the gun that presumably fired the fatal shot. The police can tell you more once the investigation is complete. We don't know how this will affect your son."
That hit home. My friend had killed someone? A wave of hatred for the kidnappers swept through my consciousness. What else had they done to him to drive him to this point?
“Will... will this have consequences?” Roman struggled to keep his composure.
"Only psychological, in the worst case. The police assume it was self-defense, and I doubt a judge would see it differently."
“One of the pigs survived, where is he?” I blurted out.
"I'm not allowed to give any information about that. It's for your protection and his."
Jacob's father loomed over the doctor. "Protection? The monster doesn't deserve protection. He made my son suffer!"
"Mr. Raller, I understand you and you too," he looked at me briefly before turning to face Roman. "I can understand your thoughts, but that wouldn't be self-defense anymore. Jakob will need you around, not in prison. Focus on him, with all your love. He'll need it."
He was right, as much as I hated to admit it.
"A nurse will take you to his room right away. It might not hurt for him to have his family with him when he comes around." The doctor pressed a call button, and the nurse in question came in. "Don't give up hope. With your help, he'll probably make it through."

---

"If you need anything, just press the button. Someone will come to you immediately." The nurse left us alone, and we stood uncertainly in front of the bed. My Casanova was covered in bandages and dressings, and a clear fluid flowed from a drip into the access line in his hand. The skin on his face was reddish-yellow in places from the wound ointment, but it didn't hide the numerous bruises.
"Frederik, are you staying with him? We'll quickly drive home and get him some things."
“No amount of horses can get me out of here, Roman.”
"Good. We'll be back soon." The two of them walked briskly to the door, and I pulled a chair to the other side of the bed. My hand seemed unharmed, and I snuggled my face into it. The familiar scent washed away all negative thoughts, and the sleepless nights took their toll.


Jakob
Silence. Heavenly silence. Bright light penetrated my closed eyelids. The pain was gone, and my body floated on soft cotton wool. So this is what death felt like. Thomas had failed, but I wasn't angry with him; he had tried everything.
Feeling liberated, I took a deep breath and marveled. The air in the afterlife smelled strange, almost like disinfectant. A strange place.
Suddenly, I heard the sound of the sea, getting louder and louder. I felt my ears pounding, and the sounds changed. It sounded so familiar, like Freddy's soft snoring. I hoped he was okay, all alone. I, too, had failed, broken my promise to never leave him alone, to be his forever, just for him.
Amidst the peace, the quiet drifting, a dark shadow loomed before my mind. The figure took shape, forming into a rigid mass consisting of dead eyes and... a hole in its forehead. Mac stared at me.
I heard myself scream and opened my eyes. Confused, trembling, and breathing heavily, I took in my surroundings. Bright walls, blinding light almost forced my eyelids to close. But then I saw her, those warm, blue eyes beneath my angel's golden hair.
The divine being's fingers encircled my hand, banishing the feeling of cold metal and death, blessing it. The echo of the shots faded away.
“Jacob?” The angel not only looked like Freddy, he also spoke like him, and had the same love in his eyes.
I tried to smile, and the pain returned, a brief flare of fire. The cloudy clouds before my eyes faded, the walls gained structure, became more solid. Was I still alive?
“Freddy, are you really here?”
He kissed my hand. "Of course. I'm so glad it's over, I've missed you. Are you in pain?"
The angel was actually Freddy. No platitudes like 'How are you?' or 'Are you okay?' A quality I greatly appreciated in him.
“I don’t think so.” Trying to sit up proved me wrong.
"Slow down, your ribs are a little cracked, stay down." Freddy stood up and leaned over me. His lips kissed my forehead, and I felt miserable because my thoughts were with Thomas, who had sacrificed himself for me. He was dead, just like Mac.
I saw it again: the bullet gliding toward my head in slow motion, skin and bone bulging inward, the area imploding, leaving a jagged hole, and the red mist spreading throughout the room. My stomach rebelled against the scene, forcing me to gag.
Freddy reached for a bowl that was waiting under the bed and held it to my mouth, just in time. Then I saw Thomas, his eyes begging for forgiveness, radiating the love he felt for me.
What was wrong with me? The man was a criminal, dead, and yet... he died because of me. Out of love? The heavy scent of madness permeated my nostrils, invading my mind.
"Jacky, everything will be okay. Your parents and I will help you, and we won't leave you alone.
Bang after bang, the skull explodes. The gigantic body is shaken by impacts, and the blood-soaked blade clatters to the ground. I can't look away. Thomas is lying on top of me, blood pouring from a wound on his back. Lots of blood.
“Take it away,” I heard myself whisper.
Frederik became nervous, his face filled with worry. "What should I take away?"
“Take it away! I don’t want to see it anymore!” My scream hurt.


Freddy
Pure panic was evident in my friend's eyes, and I was completely overwhelmed. He no longer responded to my words. "Bang, dead," he mumbled to himself. My fingers searched for the emergency button, and a nurse rushed in. He glanced briefly at Jakob.
“I’ll get a doctor, he’s having a nervous breakdown.”
A few minutes later, Dr. Resch injected something into a valve on the drip, and Jakob quickly relaxed and fell asleep. "I was afraid of something like this. He'll be asleep for a while. How did this happen?"
"I don't know. He didn't really recognize me at first, then he was almost normal, for a moment. I should take something away. I think he... saw it again, the shot."
"Quite possible. I'll talk to our counselor later. Your friend is under tremendous stress. It will improve with time, but therapy is probably unavoidable. He's been through a lot."
I could only pray that the doctor was right. "Did Jacob shoot both kidnappers?"
Resch hesitated. "I don't know the exact circumstances. And even if I did..."
"Yes, you can't tell me." It was maddening. Maybe I'd learn more from the police.
"The other one has a stab wound, and that couldn't possibly have come from your friend. I'm trying to piece it all together, too. The gun had to come from somewhere. We're only getting the bare minimum so we can act quickly and correctly. Jacob had the opportunity to shoot both of them, but he didn't." He interrupted himself. "It's all just speculation, none of my business."
Dr. Resch smoothed his coat and put on a professional doctor's expression. "If anything happens, just ring again."
The sudden change confused me a bit, but he probably wanted to keep his distance so he could concentrate on his work. "Whatever happened to you, big boy?"
Of course, he didn't answer. The sleeping pill made him seem almost peacefully relaxed. I ran into the hallway to get something to drink when the Rallers turned the corner.
“How is he?”
"Not good. He was awake for a moment and then completely lost it. The doctor gave him something. I suspect he relived the fatal shot." A leaden tiredness suddenly overcame me, and I yawned.
“Go home and get some sleep,” Andrea said caringly.
"No," I rejected the suggestion. "I'll stay here. If necessary, the chair by the bed will do."
“That won’t be necessary.” Roman turned around and walked toward the ward room.
“What is he up to?” I looked questioningly at Jacob’s mother.
“I have a feeling, let me surprise you.”
And then her husband's loud voice boomed down the hallway. "I'll pay for this damn bed if I have to!"
There was a brief pause, someone answered, too quietly to hear.
"Are you out of your mind? Why do I care about your rules? My son was in the hands of brutal kidnappers for almost a week, and I don't want to know what they did to him! I want to speak to the attending physician immediately!"
There was another pause. "Why not just like that?"
Roman returned, his face red with anger. "Damned rabble. Common sense isn't a hiring criterion here."
He lowered his voice slightly. "Frederik, I have a lot to make up for with you, and today we'll start. You'll have a bed in the room for as long as you need it."
“Thank you, but we’ve already sorted that out,” I replied, touched.
"You're welcome, I just wanted to say it again. It reassures me that someone is always around. We'll need a lot of patience."
It was kind of sad that it took such a tragedy for his father to accept me. But as the saying goes, it's only in adversity that you find your true friends.
“But I have to go home first to get a few things.”
Andrea patted the duffel bag. "No need, we took something from you too. Call it intuition."
I smiled gratefully; I had had some of my clothes in Jakob's closet for a while.
The three of us sat around the bed in silence for a while, in quiet contemplation, until Roman got up.
"Unfortunately, I have to go to work. Please call me immediately if there's any news."
We promised, and I yawned again. Andrea relentlessly sent me to bed, which had been rolled in in the meantime. Under our reproachful gaze, the head nurse apologized for the drama in the ward room.
I had no intention of sleeping, just relaxing my tired limbs, which ached from the lack of sleep, but the exhaustion was too overwhelming. The next time I opened my eyes, it was dark and I was alone with Jacob. Startled, I sat up and held my breath as the bed creaked softly.
But the sedative was still working. I dragged myself back to the chair and rested my head in his hand. His breathing was calm and regular. What I would have given to simply wake him up, wish him good morning, and explain it all away as just a bad dream. To close the gaping wound in our hearts, to take away his fear, and restore normality.
A soft moan tore me from my half-sleep. "Jacky?"
"Where am I? Freddy, is that you?" My heart leapt; he was awake.
"Yes, it's me. You're in the hospital. It's over."
"I'm thirsty." He tried to sit up again and took a sharp breath. "Oh shit, that hurts."
"Stay down, I'll get a nurse. Don't move, do you hear?"
“Rely on it, my needs are met.”
I left my seat and stretched briefly, which my body responded to with several cracking noises. The night nurse was engrossed in a book, but noticed me immediately.
"Is everything ok?"
“Jakob is awake, he is thirsty and in quite a lot of pain.”
She nodded. "Go into the room, I'll be right there."
My friend had slid back into the pillow. "How long was I... gone?"
“Five days.”
“How did I get out of there?”
I didn't like the questions. How much could I expect from him, what would be too much for him?
“Can’t you remember?”
He shook his head. "Hardly. Fragments."
His monosyllabic manner was getting to me. He built a wall around himself, creating distance. I blamed it on the pain, but I had hoped for more. Be patient, the doctor had said.
The nurse quietly entered the room and held out a small cup to Jacob. "This is for the pain." Then she placed water and two glasses on the rolling table. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
We said no, and she left again. I cautiously reached for Jakob's hand again, but he pulled it away with a frantic movement. I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something else, something he wasn't telling me.
“What do you remember?”
His reaction was frightening. His eyes filled with tears and he began to tremble. "I can't, not now," he whispered.
"It's okay, I didn't mean to rush you. Jacob, I love you."
"Nothing's okay, you understand? Absolutely nothing." He practically shouted the words. "I was scared for you... I saw you lying in the bathroom. I didn't believe we'd ever see each other again," he added, his voice much more quietly.
“It was just a small thing, really.”
He snorted in frustration. "Thomas already told me that. But that's not what I meant. I was sure I was going to die."
“Who is Thomas?”
"No one, it doesn't matter." And I didn't believe him. But the words stuck in my throat anyway. What should I say? The situation was clearly getting out of hand.
“Please go.” A pleading, quiet verbal punch.
“But...” An ice-cold fist lay squeezing around my heart.
“Get out of here! Leave me alone!”
“Jakob, we have to stick together, don’t we?” I started to cry, but he looked at me with an indifferent expression.
“There is no ‘we’ anymore.”
Stunned, I gathered my belongings and ran to the door. "I won't just give up on you."
I stormed past the nurses' station and ran down the halls. Outside, I called his parents. Roman answered the phone, sleepy-eyed. "Yes?"
"It's me. He broke up with me, I can't help him anymore," I sobbed.
"Where are you?"
“In front of the hospital,” I replied.
“Stay where you are, I’m coming.” The conversation ended and I sat down on the bench next to the entrance.
What had I done wrong?
Since my parents' death and my transfer to this school, he had become the center of my life, my family. I would never forget our first encounters.
I noticed him on the very first day; he was my absolute dream guy. By chance, I overheard a few conversations and learned that he nailed pretty much anything that couldn't run away fast enough. And yet, the other students still spoke of him with respect.
And then he followed me, which I happily allowed, pretending I didn't notice. But I didn't want it to end up as a casual schoolyard conversation; I was already feeling too much for that.
When he followed me to the lake, I decided to give him a signal. And a warning not to play games. The fact that he was left completely confused gave me hope that he really did have feelings for me.
And now he just broke up with me, without explanation. What had happened to him in the last few days?
The sound of screeching tires rescued me from my brooding. Roman sped across the parking lot and parked the car.
"Come with me," he urged me, and disappeared through the entrance portal. He headed straight for Jakob's room, his brow furrowed with worry.
“Wait here, please.” Then he went into the room.


Jakob
Since Frederik's disappearance, all I could do was cry. It was cowardly of me, but I couldn't look him in the face anymore. How could I have explained to him that I had slept with Thomas and... actually had feelings for him?
If only Mac had killed me, Frederik would never have had to find out and would have remembered me fondly. Why did I shoot that bastard? 'Because of Thomas,' I whispered to myself. He had slaughtered Thomas. I felt sorry for Mac that he had died so quickly; he should have suffered. Just like I had.
Little by little, my mind cleared the memories: the beatings, the abuse, and my absolute helplessness. And then Tin, who was there for me but couldn't stop it. He died for me, and I couldn't thank him anymore.
I didn't notice that the door had opened and my father looked at me silently for a moment.
„Jakob?“
“Hi Dad. How was your vacation?” I asked in a conversational tone.
"It doesn't matter. How are you?" He stepped closer to the bed and awkwardly placed his hand on my shoulder.
How I hated that question. Wasn't it obvious I felt like shit? "You tell me. Do I look healthy?"
My father lowered his gaze, shocked. "No."
"What are you doing here?" I asked, a little too harshly. The pain, frustration, and fear of the past week continued to surface.
"Frederik called me... What's wrong?" I could see the suffering in his face. He couldn't bear to see me like this. I must have been a pathetic sight.
"I can't talk about it. It's better this way, believe me."
"You can't tell me you don't love him."
"And you have no idea how I feel!" I screamed at him. I took a deep breath and winced with a surge of pain, my chest burning.
"Calm down, please. We want to understand and help you. Why don't you let us?" My father had tears in his eyes, a rare sight. "We were so scared when we came home and found your friend unconscious in the bathroom, with no sign of you."
"You... don't understand. Please, leave me alone, take care of Freddy. He deserves it more."
"What nonsense are you talking about? You didn't do anything!"
'If you only knew,' I thought. 'Good night, Dad.' I turned pointedly to the side, hiding my own tears. I couldn't have said another word; the lump in my throat almost made me gasp.
"Good night," he sighed. Undecided, he turned around and hesitantly opened the door. In the hallway light, I recognized Frederik, looking at me with tear-filled eyes. There was a silent plea in his gaze. Papa closed the door and left me alone.
I had to interrupt another attempt to sleep; too many images flooded in. Scenes of sex and blood, in a confusing sequence.
At some point, the corridors came to life, the shift change was approaching, and the staff began the usual pre-screening procedures. It wasn't long before it was my turn.
A young nurse greeted me kindly. "Good morning. Are you feeling a little better?"
"Do I look like that?" I retorted sharply. My mood had reached an all-time low.
The nurse silently went about her work, apparently offended. "Round rounds will begin soon," she said as she left.
"Just a minute!" I called after her. An urgent need had arisen, but I didn't feel up to getting up. "I have to..."
Half a minute later, she came back and held out a bottle to me. "Just hang it up and let it run. I'll pick it up later."
I looked at the thing in my hand skeptically. The thought was beyond embarrassing, but I had no other choice. It took a moment for me to overcome my inhibitions.
"Good morning, Mr. Raller. My name is Resch, perhaps you remember me?" The doctor's face looked vaguely familiar, but that was it, and I shook my head.
"It's okay," he smiled kindly. "How are you feeling?"
"Dazzling. I could pull trees out of the ground."
The sarcasm bounced off the doctor. "Yes, I see, there's not a single one left here."
Despite myself, I grinned, and the doctor winked at me. "But we'll work on that; soon no tree will be safe from you. Let me just say a few things: Physically, we'll get you back on track; there'll be nothing left. But I'm more worried about your head." He looked at me closely. "You didn't sleep particularly well?"
"No."
He nodded. "It doesn't surprise me. That's why I've asked a colleague to come and talk to you. His goal is for you to be able to sleep again soon."
Doctor Resch looked around the room and frowned. "I thought we had a guest in the room?"
Tears fought their way to the surface, I knew what he was referring to.
"No. He's not coming anymore," I answered in a hoarse voice.
“Would you like to talk about anything?”
“You wouldn’t understand, Doctor.”
"Well, young man. For someone who doesn't remember me, you seem to know quite a lot about me."
A quiet laugh escaped my throat. His whole demeanor made him likeable.
"Mr. Raller, you experience a lot here. There's a lot you don't let get to you because it would destroy you. I have a son your age, and in a way, you remind me of him. Believe me, the thought that something could happen to him is terrible. Perhaps that's why I feel so strongly about helping you. But for that, we need your help. You've been through the worst days of your life, and we need to try to work through it properly. Do you agree?"
I liked the way he included me. He didn't try to force anything on me. And he was right. "Will it ever end? Whenever I close my eyes, I always see it... hear the bang and... blood. It haunts me." I felt a growing need to talk about Thomas, but I couldn't.
"Honestly? I don't know. But forgive me, it's not my area of expertise."
“But your colleague?” I asked.
"Exactly. He exclusively cares for people in your situation. It certainly won't be easy, but you have only one thing to gain." He hesitated for a moment. "It's really none of my business, but what happened? Why isn't your friend coming anymore?"
Should I tell him? This secret was eating me up. I decided to take a middle path.
"I can't look him in the eye anymore. Things have happened that I don't want to talk about. When you're done with life... It doesn't matter, he's dead."
Doctor Resch looked at me, confused. "What do you mean?"
"Thomas..." I confessed. "He protected me from Mac, promised me, and I didn't want to believe it. Mac was a monster. And in the end, he kept his promise. But at what cost? They're both dead. It's so unfair!" The words broke through the wall that could no longer withstand the pressure. "He loved me and that's why he died."
“You mean the other kidnapper?” I could see the doctor’s friendly composure crumble and give way to uncertainty.
"Yes. Without him, I'd be dead. He wasn't a bad guy, he just took a wrong turn at some point."
“He is not…” Resch bit his lip.
"'He isn't' what?"
The doctor rubbed his temples and stood up. On his way to the door, he turned around again. "There was only one body."
Thomas was alive? But how could that be? I saw it all clearly in my mind: the deep wound in his back, the blood, and the terrible knife. It became too much for my head, and then darkness enveloped my spirit.


Freddy
Andrea and Roman had excused me from school and driven me to the hospital. I had spent the night vomiting my guts out, and a huge hole was gaping inside me. I mechanically got dressed, grabbed my notebook, and walked to 'our' lake.
Just like back then, I sat down under the tree, away from the other people crowding the shore, and began to draw. I remembered last summer, when we lay here too, letting the sun shine on our bellies and sometimes cooling off in the water. I captured this image and put it on paper: Jacob emerging from the water, powerful and sexy. Billions of fine droplets drifted through the air, refracting the sunlight. With a radiant smile, he fixed his gaze on me and invited me into the water.
"Wow," someone said behind me. "You really captured him well."
Matthias sat down next to me. "I hope I'm not disturbing you? My mother said you were sick. And how is Jakob? The news is full of the whole story."
“He broke up with me.”
“Shit... but why?” I recognized his genuine interest and the dismay in his face.
"How should I know? He kicked me out without an explanation. I spent all night racking my brains over it, to no avail. I miss him so much. What have those bastards done to him..."
“I’m sorry...” Matthias couldn’t find the words.
"If I get my hands on that one jerk, I'll beat the truth out of him."
My friend put his hand on my arm. "Please don't make a mistake. I heard on the radio earlier that he's still in a coma. He probably won't make it."
"Do you expect pity for him? The bastard should die." I didn't want to scream, but my emotions were burning through me.
"I'm not your enemy, Freddy. You know I really like your friend too. There was never a dull moment wherever he appeared. And thanks to you, he even became a halfway decent guy."
Matthias smiled encouragingly. "And that's why I don't think it's really over. You simply belong together. Even I, a straight man, can see that. You know what they say about us, that we're as emotionally blind as a bat."
"I just don't know what to do. The week was hell, constantly afraid of whether I'd ever see him again. Then he was released, and everything seemed to be going back to normal. And now this..."
"Give him time. Jacob is strong, he's always proven that to us."
"I know... but he's also very sensitive. What if he can't handle it?"
"It's best not to even think about it. Just trust him, like you did back then. He hasn't let you down."
The memories made me smile. "No, he really didn't. And I really enjoyed challenging him again and again."
"Oh man, yeah. I still remember when he came to me and ranted about how you had made him look stupid. He really needed that. Before, he always got his way, but you really put a damper on him."
"I felt pretty sorry for him." I was grateful to Matthias for breathing new life into the old days and thus rekindling my hope. "What are you even doing here?"
"I just wanted to stretch my legs and think. Then I saw you sitting here."
"Luckily. Maybe all is not lost after all. Thank you."
He patted me on the shoulder in a friendly manner. "What are friends for? If you want to chat, you know where I live."
"Gladly. How are things with you? I heard there might be someone there?"
"Oh," he waved her off, "it's nothing serious. We meet sometimes, but aside from sex, there's not much going on. But that's enough for us," he winked. "By the way, she's coming over on Friday, so we might want to go to the movies. If you don't have anything better to do..."
"Thanks, but I don't think so. It wouldn't seem right to me."
For that, I received a reproachful look. "At least think about it again. There's no point in moping in private. You can't change the situation, and you shouldn't just dismiss him."
"You're right," I admitted. "I'll let you know. But there's something else... can you get me the class material? I'm definitely going to miss another week; I can't concentrate properly anyway."
"No problem. My mom will take care of the make-up exams, don't worry. Everyone understands that your situation is difficult. The mood at school is pretty low... do you think some of us can visit him?" Matthias hadn't been a student since last year, but he maintained close contact with our school.
"I have no idea. He was pretty out of sorts yesterday. Maybe you should wait a bit." Matthias's minutes of preparation went down the drain in seconds. I'd never witnessed a nervous breakdown before, and Jakob's was terrifying.
"Okay, I understand. Is it okay if I leave you alone?"
I nodded. "Sure, I'll paint another picture and then head home."
Matthias said goodbye and marched off. I was grateful to have such friends. Everything here was completely different from back at my old school.
Undecided, I drew a few lines on the next sheet. I let the pen do its thing, and little by little, a picture of the hospital room emerged. I captured his peaceful expression while he was still asleep. The graphite of my pen traced the strong shoulders that flowed into the defined pectoral muscles, which then ended beneath the white sheet. His arms rested on the sheets at his sides, the thin tube in his left wrist leading to the IV drip.
Tears streamed down my face and I closed my notebook. The bus soon took me to Jakob's parents' house. There, I crawled into his bed and buried my face in his pillow. Even though he hadn't been here for a week, his scent still clung to the fabric.
I eagerly awaited a message from the hospital, but my phone remained silent. The long night eventually took its toll and freed me from the dark thoughts.


Jakob
The shadows around me gradually faded, and I opened my eyes. My parents were sitting next to the bed. I casually noticed that the drip was gone.
Mom stood up and hugged me gently, with tears in her eyes but visibly relieved.
"Hello mum."
She lost her desperate fight to control herself and began to sob, unable to say another word. I didn't know how to feel. Partly, I was relieved, of course, but there was also anger, shame, and remorse.
"Did you come here alone?" I was terrified that Freddy was there and that I would have to look at his face again. But I wanted to hear more about him. I missed him.
"Yes. Your... Frederik wasn't feeling well," Dad replied with an indefinable undertone. "But he respects your decision."
He wasn't willing to provide any more information, but I had only myself to blame. It was understandable why no one understood this surprising step. Perhaps that's why the conversation faded once we were through with the topic. My parents didn't know how to handle me, afraid of doing something wrong.
And I would have loved to get rid of her again so I could find out more about Thomas. "You probably still have a lot of things to do, I'll be fine. Some rest would really do me good," I added quickly, so no one would be offended. The reaction wasn't long in coming.
“Are you sure?” My mother seemed shocked, but I was too upset to consider her feelings.
"Yes, really. The last few days have been pretty tough on me."
Mom wanted to say something, but my dad hooked his arm under hers. "Let the boy regain his strength. Jacob, see you soon. We love you."
I regretted my behavior, but they were already at the door. Dad was pulling my mom more than she was walking herself. She didn't want to leave.
With great effort, I stood up and carefully placed my feet on the floor. The pain was just barely manageable; I'd probably been given a strong drug while I was unconscious. On the small side table by the window lay the object of my efforts: the TV remote control.
Exhausted, I staggered back to bed and, also very slowly and carefully, sank down into the sheets. I flipped through the channels until the first news channel appeared on the screen. I hoped there would be the information that no one here was willing to provide. And sure enough, after a quarter of an hour, the wait was rewarded.
A summary of the events followed, and I viewed it almost neutrally. The descriptions were sober and didn't contain the horror I had to experience. Then came the interesting part.
"The dead man is Mark Carstens, as we have now been officially informed. We have not yet received any information about the circumstances of the death. But we can assume that it must have been a dispute between the kidnappers, possibly related to the 450,000 euro ransom."
'Wrong, you idiots,' I just thought.
"The condition of the alleged second kidnapper, Thomas I, remains critical. It is questionable whether he will ever wake up from his coma."
So there it was, the confirmation. I had to go to him. I got up again, but this time it hurt. The medication seemed to be wearing off. Nevertheless, I worked my way to the door and stepped into the corridor. There was no sign of any staff, and I made it unmolested to the ward room, through whose glass pane, Doctor Resch stared at me in disbelief before storming out.
"Mr. Raller, you shouldn't get up yet. Come, I'll take you to your room."
"No," I replied firmly. "Where is Thomas?"
“I may...” he began.
"It was just on the news. He's in a coma?"
"Yes." The doctor gave up resisting. "I have a feeling what you're planning, but it's not a good idea."
"Then stop me. I'll find him, even if I have to search the entire hospital! He has no one, damn it!"
My loud voice attracted other employees, who looked at me in disbelief. The pain in my chest increased, and I leaned against the wall, breathing heavily.
"Now listen to me! You're in a terrible state. We'll go to your room together now and then you can have something to eat. After that, we can discuss your plans in detail, together with a colleague. Are we in agreement?"
The angry outburst came as a surprise, but I had to submit. As my strength waned, so did my courage. I wouldn't get far here alone. "Okay," I replied weakly.
"Good." Resch had a wheelchair brought over and sat me in. Walking was out of the question.
"I apologize for the lapse, Mr. Raller." He helped me back into bed. "Is there anything else you'd like to say?"
"Jakob is enough. Maybe there's something there, but no one can know."
“I am bound by confidentiality,” he noted.
Maybe it was a good idea to confide in this doctor, because he might be able to help me. "Something more happened. Thomas and I..."
Resch misunderstood my hesitation. "Did he...?"
"No! He didn't do anything to me!" I immediately interrupted. "The first two days were terrible, nobody said anything, and I sat in that shed. But then Thomas started talking to me. He kept Mac away from me as much as he could. You know, he was barely better off than I was. Thomas took care of me."
I paused the story to cool my sore throat with a sip of water. "He meant it, too, but I was sure he couldn't stop Mac. I didn't want to die alone, and it was me, Thomas... I slept with him, not the other way around. He even objected."
My doctor became increasingly pale.
"Almost two days before the handover, Mac did this to me. Thomas then told me that the time had come, that the handover had taken place. I wanted to believe that everything would go well." The memories of those final moments brought tears back to my eyes.
"Mac tried to force Thomas to shoot me, shoving the gun into his hand, but he couldn't. They're talking absolute bullshit on the news! Instead, he shot that monster and tried to get me out of there. But Mac wasn't dead; he stabbed me."
My nose was blocked and the doctor handed me a tissue without saying a word.
"Then he tried to stab me, too. The gun was next to me, and I pulled the trigger. After that, I woke up here."
The doctor was silent for a while, thoughtful. "That explains a lot. Jacob, this is all a terrible story, but you're not to blame. None of this..."
“Try explaining that to Frederik,” I snorted.
"One thing at a time. The dilemma is obvious. You feel gratitude for the man who put you in this situation in the first place."
"I realize that," I snapped back. "The whole thing was too big for him, and he would have let me go if he'd had the choice. Mac's attacks against me were getting to him."
"Without this Mac, the attacks wouldn't have happened, I assume. Wouldn't the situation have been different then? Mr. Ingenberg wouldn't have had to protect you; there would have been no reason to end the matter."
The words made sense, but I didn't want to believe it. "I thought that wasn't your area of expertise?"
"It isn't. I was just thinking out loud. Now eat something, it's important. In the meantime, I'll clarify your concern."
"Thank you. I don't expect you to understand me, but I need clarity about my feelings. Thomas means something to me."
"I'm doing my best." He laughed softly and shook his head. "You're truly amazing. See you later."
I felt a great sense of relief inside because my secret was finally out. I didn't want to talk about it with my parents or Frederik.
A few moments later, a nurse brought some food. I cast a skeptical glance at the mushy mess that was probably meant to be stew. "No one's ever eaten this before, have they?"
The messenger's pitying expression turned into a smile, and he risked a glance. "It doesn't look like it, but this is really fresh." He left me alone again, and I started shoveling the stuff into my stomach. How long had I not eaten? It must have been a week, and my appetite suddenly revived.
Relieved by the confession and satisfied by the food, I sank back onto my pillow contentedly.
I reconsidered my doctor's words. Part of me wanted to file it away as hypothetical nonsense, but then there was the small voice inside me. Without Mac, things would never have gotten this far, perhaps none of this would have happened. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have even paid much attention to Thomas; next to Freddy, everything and everyone paled in comparison.
My pounding heart made it abundantly clear to me that I'd made a mistake, that I was a complete idiot. But I couldn't bear it if he hated me for that, not for that reason.
"Nonsense," I muttered. Frederik would be angry either way, and the reason would be the same every time. The next thought was obvious: what would a future with Thomas look like? Did I even want that? If he woke up from his coma, he'd be locked up, I knew that much.
The next few days passed relatively uneventfully. I fended off my parents' visits, sometimes more quickly, sometimes less quickly. I'd have to deal with them soon enough. Freddy had meanwhile moved into his apartment and was isolating himself from my parents, as Mom told me. I felt sorry for him; I would have preferred to have him in company.
The psychologist also visited me regularly, but I didn't get along particularly well with him. Dr. Resch tried to attend the sessions, and the conversations went better as a result.
My health was progressing too slowly, but my doctor urged me to be patient. At least the worst of the swelling subsided quickly. However, I wasn't allowed to see Thomas yet; Resch was relentlessly waiting for the green light from Dr. Hagen, the psychologist. So I cooperated. The bad dreams persisted, but the surreal terror was under control relatively quickly. Exceptionally quickly, as Hagen confirmed.
After more than a week in this facility, the day was approaching.


Freddy
"If anything happens, let me know. We're here for you!" Andrea had said that sentence six days ago. Since then, I've avoided any outside contact. I didn't even go to the movies. My phone's call counter climbed astronomically until I finally turned it off to have some time for myself.
Sometimes the doorbell rang, but I studiously ignored it. At least until the following Monday.
Jakob accompanied me in my dreams; everything was fine, and I wanted to kiss him until an annoying noise tore me from his arms. Slowly, I returned to reality. Someone had their finger on the doorbell and wouldn't let go. A glance at the clock aroused mild annoyance; it was only five in the morning.
“Yes?” I snapped into the intercom receiver.
“Matthias. Open up!”
The surprise couldn't have been greater, and I pressed the buzzer in amazement. Hurried footsteps sounded through the stairwell, and I opened the door.
My friend looked at me sourly at first, but then his anger gave way to concern.
“Freddy, you look like shit!” He pushed past me and pulled me into the hallway.
“What do you want here?”
"I won the raffle. Mike, Lucy, Mareike, Gabriel, and I fought over who would bring you back to your senses. Freddy, I thought you didn't want to give up?"
“I don’t,” I replied weakly.
Matthias raised an eyebrow. "I see that. Stop it now. Off to the shower, then breakfast. After that, I'll take you to school."
"Forget it. The fridge is empty and I don't want to!"
He rummaged in his pocket and pulled out a paper bag. A thermos flask followed. "No problem, the bakery at the station was already open. And you have no choice anymore. Enough! It's bad enough that we have to worry about one of you, at least we can do something for you."
“Why, what about Jacob?” Matthias sounded so helpless during his presentation.
"I don't know. We went there twice, but he wasn't in his room, and no one could or would tell us where he was. His parents are also at a loss; he's completely withdrawn."
“Do you think it even makes sense to keep fighting?” Discouragement had been holding me in its grip for days.
"If I were you, yes." But he didn't seem truly convinced either. We all knew Jakob differently. "Come on, take a shower, we can always make plans afterward." Matthias wrinkled his nose. "You really need it."
I looked at him apologetically; the last shower had actually been a few days ago.
“And turn on your cell phone!” he called after me as I got fresh clothes out of the closet.
The flood of notifications after entering the PIN seemed to overwhelm the small phone. The memory was running out. Apparently, there were over fifty voicemails waiting on the voicemail. But that would have to wait, as Matthias was relentlessly pushing.
Soon after, I returned to the kitchen feeling refreshed. The water brought back some of my lost vitality. I eyed the selection of fresh pasta with a critical eye; the stuff looked almost cloyingly sweet.
"Don't look so skeptical, you'll be fine. And a few extra calories won't hurt." My boyfriend tried to grin casually, but concern was evident in his eyes. Rightly so, I decided; my body had lost some weight.
With every bite, I grew hungrier, and within a few minutes, everything was gone, accompanied by my visitor's astonished, yet satisfied, looks. I washed down the sugary crumbs with two cups of coffee from the pot.
Against my will, a loud belch escaped me. Matthias giggled, and I blushed. "Sorry."
"Better?"
"Yes, thank you. That was a good idea." Without the massive tear in my heart, I would have actually felt really good.
"What are friends for?" he repeated his question from the lake. "We want to help you, if you'll let us."
After a few minutes of relaxed silence, he looked at his watch. "We have to leave soon. I'll try Jakob again today."
“Will you keep me updated?”
"Of course," he nodded. "And until then, the others will keep you busy," he grinned conspiratorially.
Maybe the distraction would actually do some good. After all, brooding in solitude hadn't helped; quite the opposite: I felt worse every day.
"Before I forget: Pack your running gear. You have a free period today, and Gabriel wants to use the time to run a few laps around the sports field with you."
I looked into his eyes, astonished. "You're not serious, are you?"
"Deadly serious. It gets your circulation going and is good for concentration. Remember, you're in your final exams. We're already working on a small curriculum so you can catch up on the material you've missed. It starts tonight."
“Anything else?” I sighed, annoyed.
He thought hard. "Now that you ask... step on the gas, we have to go." He acknowledged my sour face with a laugh. Of course, I wasn't angry, more like a little taken aback.
Matthias wasn't exaggerating. At school, he immediately handed me over to the group of conspirators who were already lurking outside the courtyard gate, and at least one of whom never let me out of his sight.
Mareike sat next to me during class, nudged me energetically when I drifted too far into my thoughts, and gave quiet explanations when I was having trouble with the new material. The teachers tolerated it without comment.
During breaks, the group gathered and began catching up on the missed material. A whole stack of photocopied transcripts landed in my backpack. I received precise instructions on what to prepare for the coming evenings. "You're worse than the teachers," I groaned at one point, as my head started to spin.
But the plan worked, I let them infect me and suppressed my heartbreak for quite a while.
Gabriel transformed into a drill sergeant on the sports field and chased me across the cinder track until I collapsed to the ground, gasping for breath. I was completely exhausted, but it felt good.
Exhausted, I dragged myself to the grassy verge, and my sweaty shirt landed on the fence behind it, where it could dry in the sun while I enjoyed the warm rays on my skin. Gabriel did the same.
With my eyes closed, I listened to the gentle rustling of the light wind until the man next to me cleared his throat.
"You lasted longer than expected. Feels good, doesn't it?"
I looked at my school friend, somewhat sleepily. The way he lay there reminded me of Jakob, a week before the kidnapping, when we had made love in the grass after the rain. His sweaty chest rose and fell in the sunlight. The longing for my friend awoke again, for his tender touches and his demanding kisses.
Gabriel wasn't even dissimilar to him, which only intensified the images in my head. Only the voice brought me back from my daydreams.
"Should I be worried now? You look so... hungry," he said, a little nervously.
"No. I just remembered something about Jacob," I sighed.
“That must have been an interesting memory,” he grinned, looking at my lower half.
I shrugged. "If it bothers you, just look away."
"Oh, nonsense, it happens. Tell me... uh... does it actually hurt a lot?"
Now I was confused. "What do you mean?"
Gabriel blushed. "So... the first time... from behind..."
“Is there something I don’t know?”
His eyes took on a dreamy expression. "I met someone last week. And yes, no one knows yet. Freddy, he's incredibly nice, I have a total crush."
"Why didn't you say anything before? Hardly anyone here has problems with us," I asked, astonished.
“I wasn’t quite sure myself until I met him.”
The confession was a real surprise. "I can't believe it." I breathed a sigh of relief, for a moment fearing he was trying to come on to me.
“Does it hurt?” he repeated the question.
"Why are you asking me that?" I teased him. "Just because I seem weaker than Jacob doesn't automatically mean I'll take on the passive role!"
"Really? Oh... sorry. I..." His stammering made me laugh.
"We'll split it equally," I offered. "Your question isn't so easy to answer, though. It always depends a bit on the partner, how careful they are, and how strong they are. My Casanova took his time, and it didn't hurt at all. That's how I would have wanted it for the first time, too. But my ex at the time was a bit too impulsive, and it hurt, even though he wasn't nearly as well-endowed. Well, neither of us had much experience."
"Arndt has already... you know what I mean." Gabriel looked with interest at the blades of grass swaying gently in the breeze.
"When the time comes, just let yourself be massaged gently so you can really relax. You can also take a bath together beforehand. That helps. And plenty of lubrication. If Arndt is working his way forward with his fingers and doesn't want to plunge his cock in right away, chances are he wants to enjoy the fun with you. Rule number one: never rush into anything!"
I thought about my words. Don't rush into anything, don't judge too quickly, and under no circumstances give up!
'Jakob, no matter what happens, I will stand by you, I swear,' I whispered silently to myself. My mood improved.
"Thanks, Gabriel," I smiled and gave the completely bewildered guy a big kiss on the forehead. I reached for my shirt in high spirits. "Let's go, free period is almost over!"
I spent the rest of the week with renewed energy and unbridled enthusiasm. My friends' tutoring sessions helped a lot, and the missed material didn't cause me any problems. I only got a setback when Roman informed me that Jakob was back home, withdrawn as before and constantly disappearing. No one could quite make sense of it.
However, this setback didn't drag me down too much: I would wait.


Jakob
I'd been feeling really bad for two days. Everything was fine until Matthias came to visit. The atmosphere between us was tense; he didn't know how to handle me. When I asked him about Frederick, his expression darkened and he gave evasive answers.
"It doesn't matter," he had said, "we'll get him back on track." There was so much worry in his voice that it made me sick. I had almost repressed the fact that my friend himself had suffered as a result of the kidnapping. But he, too, was beaten unconscious and was the victim of constant surveillance. Not to mention the long week of uncertainty.
Matthias didn't stay very long and left me with a silent accusation in his eyes as I blocked further attempts at conversation.
"Good morning, Jakob!" Doctor Resch rushed into my room in a good mood. "I have two pieces of news for you."
"Morning. Is that good or bad?" I asked suspiciously. By now, I knew the doctor well enough to know that his fake 'official cheerfulness' usually meant something serious.
"That's up to you. We'll be releasing you into the care of your family today. Most people would consider that good news," he added, as I grimaced. "You may see Mr. Ingenberg. Dr. Hagen has agreed, but under one condition."
"Which one would be there?" I asked excitedly. Thomas was still in a coma, but his condition had stabilized. As pleased as this news made me, a dark shadow hung over him. Inspector van Bergen, who had tried unsuccessfully to take my statement under Hagen's supervision, had announced that 'Tin' would be transferred to prison as soon as he was fit to be transported. Since then, I'd been suffering from an invisible countdown.
"You continue treatment at his office. That's all."
"Okay. I was planning on doing that anyway." Getting fired would complicate everything, but there was nothing I could do about it.
“A nurse will then take you downstairs and I’ll take care of your discharge.”
“Doctor Resch, how is he doing?”
"Good in theory. The healing is progressing. He was lucky that the blade only grazed his lung and missed his heart. In one, maximum two weeks, we can risk transporting him to the prison hospital." Resch turned toward the door and turned around again. "He already asked about you, Jakob."
“He’s awake?”
“Since last night, sort of.” Then the white coat disappeared into the hallway.
My excitement grew. I wondered what it would be like to talk to him outside the basement. Nervously, I paced slowly back and forth across the room. The minutes passed, and nothing happened. My ribs still hurt, but I had strictly followed the doctor's instructions, so it remained bearable. I would have to take it easy for a few more weeks. The lacerations had healed well, and the stitches were out. Only a few colored spots remained, but they were slowly fading.
"Jakob, if you want, then we can go." Sister Marion was waiting in the doorway, a depressed expression on her face. She was on the night shift at first, when Freddy was still here. I missed my little artist. Perhaps the separation was a much worse mistake compared to the truth.
Marion led me to a secluded wing; there were only a few rooms along the narrow corridor. "And you're sure you want to go in there?"
"Yes. He wouldn't hurt me even if he could."
"As you wish. The room is monitored. If anything happens, someone will be here immediately." Her gaze fell on the door opposite. She silently mouthed 'Police.'
I nodded to her and placed my hand on the door handle. Without meaning to, my heart rate increased. A moment later, the door swung open quietly, and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the dim light of the windowless room.
Thomas lay in bed with his eyes closed, surrounded by various control monitors on which green lines moved frantically like silent snakes. Above the door, a solitary camera did its work, its lens capturing the entire back room.
His face appeared pale, and the flashing lights of the machines brought an eerie life to his serene features. His chest moved almost imperceptibly under the blanket.
A chair stood next to the door, and I quietly pulled it into the glass eye's field of vision before sitting down on it.
"Hi," he whispered weakly, and I jumped slightly. Only upon closer inspection did I realize that he had opened his eyes a tiny crack, with visible effort to keep them open.
“Hi too,” I answered just as quietly.
"It's great that you're here. I wasn't expecting this."
"I could hardly think of anything else. You kept your promise."
"And you didn't want to believe me. If only I knew how I could have saved you..."
I briefly summarized the story, the short but fierce fight that ended in a minor bloodbath. "And I really thought you were dead."
“Not all wishes come true,” he murmured sadly.
“I didn’t wish for your death, don’t believe that!” I cried in horror.
"Maybe not you. But there are some here who wouldn't have much trouble with it." He apparently hadn't had a good experience with the hospital staff.
I carefully brushed a strand of his hair from his forehead, which was clinging to his head with grease. "I'll tell everyone what you did for me."
“Which wouldn’t have been necessary if we hadn’t done this shit,” he protested.
"That's what Doctor Resch said too. But you helped me, that's all that matters!"
Thomas sighed. "Because I fell in love with you. That's why I couldn't stand the way Mac treated you. Without me, you would never have had to kill a person. Jacob, I'm a convicted felon. Those little jobs were only half the story; I've already been to jail." All the talking was exhausting, and his face was etched with pain. His confession left a bitter aftertaste.
“That’s why the nice guys never stayed.”
“Did you... hurt someone?” I wanted to know.
"No. You were the first." Guilt was in his voice.
“But you didn’t do anything to me!” I cried, frustrated.
"But I came along... forget it, I don't want to argue. How are you anyway?"
"Well, actually, it's pretty good. I'm being discharged today. Only my ribs are still giving me trouble. I'll come visit you, though."
The slight smile was followed by a thoughtful look. "I don't think your boyfriend is playing along."
"I broke up with her." The casual tone I'd planned didn't come. A thick lump formed in my throat.
Thomas looked at me, shocked. "You didn't want to believe that sleeping with me was a mistake."
"You know perfectly well that's not true, which was the real problem. Of course I knew it. But..."
"Basically, you were right. Look at me, I really couldn't save you, you got us out of there. Mac would have taken us both out. You're our hero."
We were silent for a while. Thomas was struggling with his exhaustion and was close to falling asleep several times. Meanwhile, I thought about my feelings. Nothing was certain anymore, and my feelings for Thomas were also vague. Without him, I wouldn't have survived the story, regardless of his shared guilt. But his desperate love couldn't be ignored.
That didn't change the fact that I was cheating on Freddy, but maybe he would have understood. I had simply maneuvered myself into a pretty shitty situation. I should have trusted my boyfriend, of all people.
"What now? I love him, but I messed it up, didn't I?" I asked quietly, but there was no answer; Tin had fallen asleep.
I sat there thoughtfully in front of the bed for a while until a quiet knock brought me back. It was Marion.
“It’s time, your parents are here.”
"Okay." I took one last look at the bed. "See you soon, I'll be back."
The journey to my parents turned into an emotional ordeal. How much could I confide in them? However, as I quickly discovered, this question was irrelevant. To call our encounter strained wouldn't have been enough.
"What do you have to do with this... this... man ?" Dad visibly struggled with his hatred for Thomas. "Isn't what he's already done to all of us enough?"
“Roman, please...” interrupted Mom, who looked at me worriedly.
"No, I finally want to understand! He's keeping quiet, leaving us in the dark. I can't take it anymore!"
Dad's voice grew louder and louder. I involuntarily stepped back, saw Mac in front of me, and closed my eyes, my heart pounding in my throat. But immediately, my mother's voice overcame the horrific images, and she gently hugged me.
"Now look what you've done! Jacob, everything's fine. If you don't want to talk, you don't have to. But we're worried; this situation isn't easy for any of us." She didn't say anything for a moment, just held me tight, and I slowly calmed down. Maybe I'd been fooling myself; I wasn't nearly as far along as I thought.
“It’s like you’re still trapped, not with us yet,” she said, echoing my thoughts.
"Maybe you're right." I looked up at my father. "And you too. I just don't want to talk about Thomas. Not yet, except for one thing: He helped me. I would have been worse off without him. You may not understand, but I'm grateful to him. It probably sounds crazy, but it's true."
“I’m sorry, I’m a little tense,” he replied, much more quietly.
"Come on, I want out of here." I didn't want to talk about the subject any more for the time being, as I was already feeling guilty again. This was something Dr. Hagen was already working on intensively, to prove that I wasn't the perpetrator. He also explained to me that the strange relationship with Thomas wasn't unusual.
"Have you heard anything from Freddy? Matthias said he's back in his apartment, but he didn't want to say anything more."
My father concentrated as he drove home, and Mom answered. "No. He hasn't responded to anything in the last week, neither calls nor visits. Don't you want to reconsider?"
How I would have loved to, but it wasn't in my hands. "Maybe you'll understand soon, and then he'll break up with you, believe me. It's pointless." She didn't press me any further, and when I got home, I immediately hid in my room.
After all this time, it seemed almost strange to me. Mac had been staying here. From my bed, I had a direct view of the bathroom door, where everything had happened.
I went to the desk and pulled a folder from the drawer containing some of Frederik's drawings, which he had given me. With that, I retreated under the covers, where our scents mingled. I inhaled the scent deeply and imagined that Freddy had done the same thing a few days ago.
As I flipped through the pages, I came across the picture of the lake, the day it had completely confused me. The shore and the two bodies.
I vaguely remembered a song that was playing on the radio on the drive home. No one could have expressed my feelings better...
I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kind of boring
Need something that I can confess
Till all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no, I've been on the brink, so

Tell me what you want to hear
Something that'll like those ears
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time
(One Republic, Secrets)
My parents gave me the time and peace I needed. No one pushed me anymore, even though it was difficult for them. I continued with therapy and gradually made real progress after I realized I'd been lying to myself. I also visited Thomas three more times during the first week, until he almost threw me out of the room on the last visit. He told me I should finally get on with my own life and forget about him. He had tears in his eyes.
'I don't deserve your pity ,' he whispered.
But the following Monday, I wanted to pay him one last visit. I was becoming increasingly aware that I didn't love him. I wanted to help him, maybe be a friend, but nothing more.
The room was empty. Dr. Resch then told me that Thomas had been transferred. Sadness and relief spread through me in equal measure. It was over.
Soon after, a letter arrived from the court, a summons to appear at a hearing scheduled to take place three months later.
In the meantime, I felt strong enough to resume my studies. However, my fear of Frederik's reaction remained stronger than my longing for him.
Time passed far too quickly, and the day of the trial approached. I knew I would see Freddy again.


Freddy
"Congratulations, Freddy!" Matthias fought his way through the other party guests and hugged me, now that it was clear I had passed my Abitur. A little further away stood Gabriel and Arndt, who had been happily together for quite some time. The sight gave me a pang.
“Thank you,” I replied dully.
“Are you thinking about tomorrow?”
I nodded absently.
Matthias put his hand on my shoulder and made me look at him. "You don't have to go alone, I can come with you."
"No. I have to go through with it. It might be my last and only chance."
"You're doing it again," said my best friend. "You're dealing with everything on your own. We know where it led!"
I found his concern touching and smiled at him. "And you know I've improved. I still love and miss Jacob, but I want to show him that I'm strong. Strong enough to handle whatever comes out of the trial tomorrow."
He looked at me skeptically.
“It’s such a man thing, you don’t understand,” I teased him with a grin.
"Asshole, that's the right thing to say," he laughed. "But what do you do if it doesn't work?"
"I don't know. I don't want to think about it." I yawned and felt a little dizzy; the last beer was one too many.
Matthias took me home and left me alone with a heavy heart. My mask of self-confidence was crumbling a bit, but there was no reason to give up all hope. Andrea had kept me regularly updated.
I knew about the visits to his kidnapper, and I had an inkling of what might have happened. Jacob continued to block all attempts at conversation. But his mother was sure he missed me.
The partying, the alcohol, and the constant dancing had made me tired. It didn't take long for sleep to end my brooding.

---

“So, nervous?” Matthias looked for a parking space.
"Hellish," I had to admit. Contrary to expectations, I had already vomited as soon as I got up.
"Shouldn't I stay here? You look like you need some support."
"No, really not. But thanks."
"Okay, Freddy. But call if anything happens. My boss knows, so I can go."
"Your future girlfriend can count herself very lucky. Without you... and the others, I certainly wouldn't have survived this well. Thanks again, you owe me a lot." I unbuckled my seatbelt and hugged my boyfriend tightly.
“Give it to me,” he replied, touched.
“What are friends for?” we shouted at the same time and laughed.
"I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. Good luck." He patted me on the back before we let go and I got out.
With a pounding heart, I approached the courthouse entrance and went through the entry procedure. After it was determined that I was not carrying any weapons, I was allowed into the courtroom. I was surprised by how many spectators were already waiting to enter. And in the crowd, I saw them, Andrea and Roman.
“Hi,” I greeted her shyly.
"Frederik!" I received a big hug. "Nice to see you."
"Thanks, I agree. It's been a while. Where is... Jacob?"
Roman pointed to the restroom. "He's been hiding in there for a while." The doors to the main hall opened. "Come sit with us."
Without waiting for my answer, I was dragged into the conference room. Andrea sat between Roman and me, giving me a seat right by the aisle. Jakob was sure he wouldn't miss me. I looked questioningly at Andrea, and she gave me a conspiratorial wink.
As soon as calm had returned, two officers brought in a man I identified as Thomas Ingenberg. I wanted to be angry, but he seemed to recognize me and gave me a sincere, apologetic look.
Then the judge's bench filled up, a lawyer arrived, and then the prosecutor. My eyes were fixed on the kidnapper, and I only vaguely heard the reading of the indictment. The contents were already familiar to me, better than I'd like.
Then the lawyer spoke. "My client would like to comment on this." But this Ingenberg was whispering to his representative and glanced at me.
“My client has changed his mind and will not testify.”
The judge called the first witness: "Jakob Raller!"
That was the moment. My heart was racing and I turned toward the door. As if in slow motion, the doors swung open and my Casanova entered the room. On the surface, he looked fantastic; his injuries seemed healed. But his face seemed blank, his eyes staring deadly forward. No fire, no passion. And then he saw me.
For a moment, conflicting emotions reflected in his features before he guiltily looked away. Then he took a seat in the front.
"Mr. Raller, so far you have refused to testify. But with all due respect for your situation, we must insist on it today."
Jakob nervously turned to me and then to the defendant, who spoke up. "Tell them everything. And let your friend decide how to deal with it. But stop playing hide-and-seek, please. Stop suffering and punishing yourself!"
My premonition slowly became a certainty. Something must have happened between the two of them. Andrea reached for my hand.
And Jacob told his story. My heart ached as he described his suffering, the brutal treatment of the other kidnapper, and how 'Tin' cared for him. The fact that the two of them had watched us so closely was a shock.
Jakob interrupted the story, "Judge, before I continue... may I briefly address a few words to Frederik? He was also struck down at that time."
“Okay,” he replied.
"Freddy... I didn't want you to find out what happened next. Especially not here and in this way. I thought it would be easier for you if I sent you away without knowing the reason, and I've bitterly regretted it ever since. I miss you."
Tears streamed from my eyes. "You should have trusted me," I whispered.
"Yes... but I was so confused myself. Thomas was so close to me, protected me, and I was grateful to him. But death was constantly in my mind. Mac was a time bomb. I didn't want to die alone, so I... with Thomas..." His voice trailed off for a moment. "I wasn't sure if I was in love with him. But I wasn't. But I cheated on you."
"This is all my fault. Without the kidnapping, this would never have happened. I want to apologize to everyone and take full responsibility for these things," Thomas Ingenberg interjected.
Surprised by sudden nausea, I ran out of the hall and made it to the restroom just in time. "You stupid idiot," I cursed when I finally caught my breath. "What do you think of me?" All this suffering, for months, just because he wouldn't open his mouth. He should have known I would have forgiven him everything once he was finally free.
I left the tiled room and washed the bitter taste from my mouth. In foresight, I had brought some mints with me. I sat down on the bench outside the courtroom and waited.
“Everything okay?” Roman sat down next to me.
"It's okay. Your son is an idiot."
“He’s sitting with Andrea and he’s been completely exhausted since you ran out,” he replied dully and visibly shaken.
"None of this had to happen. How could he have thought I wouldn't be able to forgive him? After everything he went through there..."
The doors opened, and the stream of visitors passed us, loudly discussing. Jacob also left the hall and stood undecided in the hallway, his mother's arm around his shoulders.
"Showtime," I whispered, standing up. With a nod, I asked my friend to follow me until we reached a quieter spot.
We stood facing each other in silence for what felt like an eternity. He repeatedly avoided my gaze. 'Tell me you love me, Jacob, please tell me ,' I repeated a silent mantra.
"Freddy, I've been an idiot," he began, and I just looked at him. "I need you. My life has become so infinitely empty."


Jakob
He stands in front of me and doesn't say a word. His eyes are fixed on me, filled with silent anger. My confidence is fading, my realization comes too late. I've pushed him away for too long.
“I understand, it’s too late.”
"You don't understand anything," he replies, exasperated. His hands clutch the collar of my jacket and he pushes me against the wall. I'm prepared for anything, except what follows. His lips press longingly against mine. The kiss is raw and sensual at the same time, full of pent-up passion and relief. Breathless, he lets go of me; my legs are weak, but he holds me.
"No more explanations. I just want to hear one thing from you." His gaze becomes solemnly serious, and I know exactly what I should tell him, what I want to tell him.
"I love you, Freddy! Come back to me."
I must have spoken the last part of that memory out loud, because the warm face on my neck curled its lips into a smile.
"I love you too," murmured a sleepy voice. My tousled blonde hair glistened in the sunlight streaming through my room window. We had barely left since the trial three days ago.
“I don’t deserve you, Freddy.”
“Are you starting that again?” he muttered, annoyed.
“You can think of something to shut me up.”
His eyes opened and he gave me an understanding look. "After coffee."
“Okay,” I admitted defeat.
"But only one cup," he grinned. "Because I'd like one too."
We were getting ready for parenthood, and I watched him get dressed. The running training with Gabriel had changed his petite body somewhat; his flat stomach had gained a few muscles, a sight I was happy to enjoy.
“Good morning, Mom.” She was just emptying the dishwasher.
"Good afternoon , you two. It's nice to see you again." Ever since my father realized that 'the poor sod' wasn't after our money, the situation at home had become pleasantly more relaxed.
“Yes, but we won’t be a burden for long, we just need a coffee.”
She looked at us skeptically. "You won't get away without breakfast." Then her expression became a little more serious. "There's mail for you. From the prison."
Freddy stiffened and exhaled sharply. He just wanted to forget this chapter. I reached for the envelope and opened it.
"Hello Jacob, I wanted to thank you for forgiving me. And you opened my eyes; things can't go on like this. That's why I've applied for a relocation, far away from everything here, and chances are good that it will be approved.
I'll use the next three years to further my education. You can even do an apprenticeship at the other prison. Maybe someday I'll find a nice guy who'll stay with me.
You're simply an incredibly wonderful person, and one you can't help but love. Your Frederik can count himself lucky. At least I hope things work out between you.
When I saw him, I couldn't say anything more; you had to make the decision. But after everything you told me about him, I firmly believe in you.
Jacob, this letter is the last thing you'll hear from me. I'll disappear from your life, where I should never have had a place.
Thank you for saving my life and giving me the courage to start over.
Farewell, I will never forget you,
Thomas“
Freddy stood behind me, also devouring the lines. "I wish him luck," he whispered. "Do you know what that means?"
"Yes." I kissed him. "It's finally over."


Acknowledgements
Well, this is the first time I've made this official and some of you might be surprised.
First, I'd like to thank a reader who first suggested this idea to me. I don't know if he's comfortable with being named, so I'll let him 'come clean'.
I thank Gianna and Alex, who always mercilessly straighten me out when I'm about to lose myself in a hole. Without you, things would be a lot different.
I'd like to thank Silas for his clear criticism of the story and the relatively quick correction. Anyone who finds any mistakes should keep them to themselves.
Last but not least... a stupid saying, really, I thank my ex-boyfriend. During our time together, you gave me many new experiences, broadened my horizons, and provided me with many happy moments. I owe it to you that I can see my path clearly again and have found myself. Maybe someday you'll understand who I really am.
Finally, I'd like to thank several bands for their music, which always set the right mood for the story. For the music that constantly played in the background during the creation of the film. Here are the most important ones:
One Republic: Secrets, Linkin Park: Numb, OMD: Walking on the Milky Way, 4 non Blondes: What’s up, Aerosmith: I don’t wanna miss a thing, Lordi: Not the nicest guy, The Rasmus: In the shadows / Still standing und Ich&Ich: Pflaster.
I can't forget you now. Thanks in advance for your feedback. I really want to know how you liked the story, whether it touched you. The topic was difficult, but I tried my best.