07-11-2025, 05:50 PM
When I think back today on all the events that play a role in this story (and that happened not so long ago), it almost feels like I'm reading someone else's story. Many things seem so foreign to me. Perhaps it's because there were so many moving events in a very short period of time, and I never had a chance to properly process everything that had happened.
I'm Sebastian, 19 years old, 1.82 m tall, short black hair, brown eyes, and... well, that's probably enough of an outside perspective for now. I had just started my community service with the German Red Cross and was working in the emergency services. It was more or less a coincidence that I got this particular position, but I haven't regretted it. The work was very varied and interesting. I also met a lot of new people there. One of them was Nils.
Nils was two years older than me, and we got along really well from day one. He played table tennis at a sports club and asked me if I'd like to come along every now and then. Of course I was. I knew there were a lot of guys my age there, and that made the decision pretty easy. Less than two weeks later, I was a member of the club. I really enjoyed playing table tennis, and I didn't do too badly in my first few competitions. Of course, I still needed a bit of training, but I was pretty happy with myself.
Mark was also a newcomer to the team. He had only moved to the city six months earlier, and since, like me, he didn't know many of the other guys, we quickly became friends. Mark told me that he had moved to the city with his brother, who was two years younger than him, and his mother because his parents had separated.
Mark was a really sweet boy. He was 19 like me, a bit taller, had short blond hair, blue eyes, and a smile that could melt icebergs. We often sat together after training. I could listen to him for hours as he talked, somewhat shyly in his quiet voice, about his past and the problems with his parents. You could tell how good it did him to talk about all of these things with someone. He also told me that he met a girl here at the disco and that he was madly in love with her.
Great, I thought, it would have been wonderful if this lovely guy could feel even remotely the same for me as I now felt for him. Yes, I really was a little bit in love with Mark, and yet, the way his eyes sparkled when he talked about Julia, I couldn't help but be happy for him.
It's just like always, I thought, you dream about someone, you hope and then - "bang" it's all gone.
Mark soon began meeting with Julia more often and coming to training less often.
I thought that our friendship was no longer so important to him, but the exact opposite was the case. He would always call me and tell me how things were going with Julia and ask me for advice on what I would do in one situation or another. He was really very happy and always said, "You'll experience all of this soon enough, believe me." Oh Mark, if you only knew. I wasn't sure if I would ever experience something like that, and I couldn't tell him that I didn't necessarily want to experience it with a girl, but would much rather have it with a boy. At that point, I still thought he would never understand, and I only came close to confessing it to him once.
It was my first time visiting Mark, and we settled into his room until dinner. I was very excited because he had spent the previous night in a tent with Julia and had promised to tell me everything. It was their first night together.
"Now tell me, Mark, how was it?" I asked curiously.
"Oh, Bastian, it was pure horror," he said. "I was way too excited and totally messed it up."
It was strange; anyone else would have bragged about it as if it had been a great experience, but Mark, somewhat sadly, told me that it wasn't actually that great. I was just about to tell him that it would definitely be better next time, when someone burst open the door and yelled, "Hey, come on, come eat, I'm starving!" The boy standing in front of me shook my hand briefly and said, "Hi, I'm Tobias," and disappeared again in the same moment.
"My little brother is always a nuisance," laughed Mark. I was about to get up when Mark stopped me. "Bastian, will you promise me something?"
“What?” I asked, surprised.
"Well, don't tell anyone about what I just told you. I'm only telling you all this because you're my best friend." I would have loved to hug him, but I was afraid he might misunderstand (or rather, misunderstand). We'd only known each other for a short time, and the fact that he said "my best friend" made me very happy.
"Of course I won't tell anyone about it. What do you think of me?" He was so open and honest with me, telling me everything, and I almost wanted to confess to him what I'd always wanted to tell at least one person: that I'm gay, but I was afraid and just said quietly, "Come on, let's go eat."
How many times have I wanted to tell someone, but I was probably the only gay person in my circle of friends, and who would understand me? How many times have I wished I could talk to someone about it, but every time I was almost there, new concerns popped into my head. It's like opening a door, but instead of entering the next room, you find yourself standing in front of another door.
But who would understand that? It often seemed to me as if I was the only person in the world who had these problems.
I spent a lot of time at Mark's house next week. We played PlayStation with his brother or had small table tennis tournaments. Tobias wasn't bad at playing either. Julia was at boarding school during the week, and I let the two of them have their own time on the weekends.
When I visited Mark and Tobias again, I had some news for Mark: "My parents aren't here next weekend, and I thought it was time for you to meet my other friends. So, I'm having a little party at my place."
"A party, great!" Tobias shouted. "Can I come too? Please!" I was about to agree, but Mark waved me off.
"This isn't a baby party, you're staying home with Mum." Tobias's expression suddenly darkened. He didn't argue, just looked sadly at the floor. I'd never seen Tobias argue with his older brother before. He seemed to trust him completely. Mark stood up, stroked Tobias's hair, and said, "Hey, little one, of course I'll take you with me. What did you think?" Tobias immediately beamed again, and Mark left the room with a broad grin. "I'll get something to drink, guys."
Now I was alone in the room with Tobias and asked him, "You really like your brother, don't you?"
"Sure," he said, "he's the best brother anyone could wish for. I love him very much." Tobias told me that they hadn't always gotten along so well, but since they found out their parents were getting divorced, that changed, and they now stick together. They didn't want their little family to fall apart any further.
I never asked what was wrong with their father and why they never visited him, but I don't think they wanted to talk about it either.
The following week, I had to complete an internship on one of our ambulances. It was the final part of my training as a paramedic. The work was very interesting, and I learned a lot. I was assigned to work with Nils, and even when we had a less than pleasant callout, where I was confronted with death, he always found the right words.
Plus, I was in a good mood. My party was four days away, my parents weren't here, and work was fun.
It's nice to be able to help people, maybe even save lives. I was "just" the volunteer, but I felt important when I got into the ambulance with the others.
It was Tuesday evening. Half an hour left and I was off work. Nils was sitting at his desk, doing paperwork, when the phone rang. It was the fifth call today.
"VKU in the southern part of the city," said Nils. "A teenager on a moped was hit by a drunk driver and is unresponsive." So I quickly got into the ambulance, flashed the blue lights, and off I went. During the ride, I checked everything that might be needed: IV drips, syringes, bandages, and I checked the oxygen tank. By the time I arrived at the scene of the accident, it was already quite busy. The paramedics were already there, and the police were just arriving. There were so many onlookers that I couldn't even see the injured man. I took the emergency case from its holder and was just about to get out when I heard Nils: "Leave the case, Sebastian, bring the vacuum mattress." So I put the case back and got what I needed.
I had to push through a few people before I got to the injured man, and when I saw him, I couldn't believe my eyes. My knees went weak, and I couldn't move for a moment. "Mark," I stammered quietly.
"What's wrong with you, Sebastian? Do you know him?" Nils asked. I couldn't answer; it was really Mark, lying on the ground, being examined by the emergency doctor.
"Come on, Sebastian, he needs to get into the ambulance quickly," I heard Nils say. From then on, I can't remember anything. It all happened so quickly. I only remember stroking Mark's hair in the ambulance and quietly calling "Mark" over and over. He didn't hear me. He wasn't conscious.
In the hospital's emergency room, I tried to make sure everything went even faster than usual and that Mark got to the treatment room quickly.
I told Nils I wanted to stay. I was off work anyway.
It hadn't been three months since I met Mark, and now I was terrified for him. I tried to control my thoughts, but I couldn't.
Only now did it occur to me whether someone had informed his mother. But the nurse told me she was on her way here.
When she walked through the door, she immediately bombarded me with a ton of questions. She was shaking with excitement, and I was glad the ward doctor arrived at that moment, because I wasn't sure what to say to her.
"Mrs. Müller, I can't tell you much right now. We're going to take your son to the intensive care unit." And then he disappeared into another room. I told Mark's mother what I knew about the accident.
Tobias was visiting his grandmother at the time and had no idea about the accident.
Shortly after midnight, the doctor on duty came to us again and said there was nothing new. Mark was still in a coma, and it would be better if we went home and got some sleep. We couldn't do anything here right now anyway. Although neither of us wanted to, we let ourselves be persuaded.
The next morning, I first thought I'd dreamed it all. Unfortunately, not. Since I had to go back to work that afternoon, I went to the hospital that morning and was told that the situation hadn't changed. My request to see Mark was reluctantly granted because I wasn't family and Mark already had visitors. I could at least go outside the room and see him through the glass; his mother would be there too.
I walked slowly down the hallway, images of the accident flooding my mind again. Mark's mother was standing outside a room. We greeted each other quietly, and she pointed into his room. I saw Tobias kneeling in front of the bed, holding his brother's hand and crying. Tears welled up in my eyes, too.
The next two days passed in slow motion. There was no change in Mark's mood. My party was tomorrow. What should I do? I felt like anything but partying, but all my friends were looking forward to it. They didn't know Mark.
That evening, I spoke to his mother, and she said, "Have the party; it will distract you. Especially Tobias. He hasn't spoken a word since the day before yesterday."
"Well, I'm here because of Tobias," I said. "I wanted to see how he was doing." I went upstairs to his room and knocked on the door. No one answered, so I slowly opened the door.
"May I come in?" Tobias sat on his bed with his head resting on his hands.
"Yeah, sure," he sighed quietly. I sat down next to him on the bed.
"Hey, little warrior, how are you?" I asked.
"And you?" he answered, looking at me questioningly. Of course, we both knew how the other felt. I said, "What do you think? Should we throw the party tomorrow for Mark? We don't have to party like crazy, but I definitely want to tell my friends about Mark, and I think Mark would want that too. Are you coming?" He hesitated.
"I was really looking forward to it, but now? I'd just spoil your mood," he said. "I'm worried about Mark, too. Please help me a little tomorrow. It'll definitely be easier for us together." As he said this, I put my hand on his shoulder. I could see he was hesitant, but after a while he said, "Okay, if you say so," and he even tried to smile a little.
I thought he got that smile from his brother.
The next evening, the little party went quite well. I had given Tobias plenty of work to do. He had to get drinks and do this and that, and that probably distracted him a bit. After all, there were all new faces to him, so he probably wasn't thinking about his brother the whole time. Sometimes I even heard Tobias laughing. A few people were still missing, and every now and then the phone rang, reporting that someone was late. I also tried to reach Julia, but her parents told me she had to stay at boarding school for the weekend.
I didn't know how she'd taken it. We'd only seen each other twice before, and I didn't really dare ask her about it. What should I have said?
Maik, a school friend, called me: "A Mrs. Müller is on the phone and wants to speak to you." Mark's mother? Maybe Mark is feeling better and has woken up from his coma, I thought. If I could tell Tobias, that would be great.
"Yes, Sebastian here." She spoke very quietly, and in the background I could hear my guests talking, and of course, music playing. I couldn't even realize what I had just heard so quickly. I hung up the phone and headed toward the kitchen. I heard Tobias laughing again.
"Come here," I said to him.
"Yes, what is it?" We were alone in the kitchen.
"Your mother just called; she was at the hospital. Mark had another operation this afternoon." Tobias looked at me, perplexed.
"So, is he feeling better? I'm awake?" he asked impatiently. I couldn't say anything else; my throat felt like it was closing up. I burst into tears and hugged Tobias. It was as if I only now understood the words I'd just heard on the phone. It was like a stab in my heart with a hot needle, and the next words were hard to come out.
"No, Tobias, Mark died an hour ago." I felt Tobias start to shake. He was struggling. I held him tightly, and we just cried. I wanted so badly to comfort him, but no matter how hard I searched for words, I couldn't find any.
A little later, I took Tobias to my room. It had been agreed that he would stay overnight with me anyway, and I wanted to sleep on the sofa in the living room. I tried to explain the situation to everyone else and said I'd rather be alone right now. My friends were really worried and understood.
I went back to my room. Tobias was lying in my bed, crying.
"Hey Tobi, are you okay?" I asked, sitting carefully on the bed.
"I need him so much, what should I do?" he cried. I stroked his hair, and he said even more quietly: "Please Sebastian, don't leave me here alone tonight. Stay with me. Please."
"OK," I replied.
Ten minutes later, we were both lying in my bed, cuddled up close, each holding the other tightly in my arms, crying. How often in my dreams had I wished to lie in bed like that with a boy. And now? Now everything is different. I'm just deeply sad and would give anything for this story to have turned out differently. I would give anything for that.
I couldn't sleep for a long time, thinking about Mark, thinking about the hours we'd spent together, thinking about his openness with me and his smile that I would never see again. I was angry with myself for not being with him today.
Why Mark? Why him?
I felt bad because I'd never told him the whole truth about myself, and now I was sure he would have understood. Definitely.
For the next few weeks, I spent almost every free minute with Tobias. He often stayed overnight with me and even had his own guest bed in my room. His mother was happy that I had managed to distract Tobias from his great loss, and even though I couldn't replace Mark, I enjoyed being with Tobias. I enjoyed it a lot, in fact, and I did feel a bit guilty about it. I thought Tobias was really looking for a substitute brother in me. He liked to hold me in his arms, sought my closeness, and told me a lot from deep within himself. Why did I feel a bit guilty about it? For me, it was more than just a good friendship by now; I loved being with him, being close to him. But I was also afraid of abusing his feelings about his brother's death.
I realized I'd fallen in love with him without ever noticing that he was actually really cute. What used to be so important to me about other boys, I didn't notice at all about him at first. I liked his personality, his character, regardless of his looks. Nevertheless, he was very "cute" – about 5'9" tall, with short dark-blond hair, blue-gray eyes, and the same sweet smile as his brother.
One evening, when he stayed over at my place again, he was acting very strange. Tobias was going on a school trip the next morning, and I was supposed to drive him to the train station first thing in the morning because his mother had to work. He barely said anything the entire evening, and I had the feeling he was desperate to get something off his chest. We had both already lain down and wished each other 'good night' when he suddenly came to my bed.
"Can I ask you something, Sebastian?"
"Well, always. Go ahead." I could tell the words weren't coming easily to his lips and that he was very agitated inside.
"I mean... Well... Um..."
“Come on, tell me what’s going on?” I encouraged him.
"Well, I mean... do you think it's really bad when a boy loves a boy?" The question surprised me a bit, but I didn't have to think about it for long and said, "When two people love each other, it's always something very beautiful and wonderful, no matter whether it's two boys or two girls or just a boy and a girl." Now he seemed to be getting a little braver.
"And if I love a boy, what would happen then?" He looked at me completely uncertainly.
"Then it's time, my little Tobi, that you introduced me to this lucky fellow." I sat up and more or less whispered the last words into his ear.
"I don't need that, you know him well. But he doesn't know anything about it yet," he said.
"So?" I asked, puzzled.
"Who is it?" He smiled again at that incredibly sweet smile, but there was also some uncertainty in it.
"It's you, Basti. I love YOU." He came closer to me and looked deep into my eyes.
Wow, of course I had hoped that this conversation would end like this, but he had really kept me in suspense and I wanted to keep him waiting a little longer, so I didn't say anything for the time being.
“And now?” he asked, almost fearfully.
"Do you still want to be my boyfriend now that you know this?" I had to grin a little, but said very seriously, "Well, Tobi, now that I know this, you'll probably never sleep on the guest bed in my room again." He wanted to reply, but I covered his mouth with my finger and continued, "If you sleep here with me, it will only be in my bed." He wanted to reply to that, too, but didn't get the chance. I was quicker, held him tightly in my arms, and gave him a long, tender kiss.
"I love you too, you idiot."
"Basti, I've never felt so comfortable with anyone. I want to feel you close to me."
“I love you too,” and we lost ourselves again in an endless kiss.
While we kissed, we caressed each other, never leaving a single spot untouched, and slowly undressed. Soon we were both lying naked in my bed, so close to each other. His hands conjured up a wonderful feeling on every part of my body they touched. A little unsure at first, but soon he lost all inhibitions. The warmth and security he gave me almost made me lose consciousness. My hands felt every inch of his warm, soft skin, like a fire that doesn't burn you. I felt his arousal and I enjoyed touching the parts of his body that I had only ever dreamed of touching on another boy. I felt his body and heard his soft moans. We didn't speak anymore, we didn't need to speak anymore, we were one.
Everything I had imagined so many times was nothing compared to this feeling and I wished it would never end.
It's a shame he has to leave for two weeks the next morning, I thought. I could hardly wait for him to be back.
But that's a whole different story.
I'm Sebastian, 19 years old, 1.82 m tall, short black hair, brown eyes, and... well, that's probably enough of an outside perspective for now. I had just started my community service with the German Red Cross and was working in the emergency services. It was more or less a coincidence that I got this particular position, but I haven't regretted it. The work was very varied and interesting. I also met a lot of new people there. One of them was Nils.
Nils was two years older than me, and we got along really well from day one. He played table tennis at a sports club and asked me if I'd like to come along every now and then. Of course I was. I knew there were a lot of guys my age there, and that made the decision pretty easy. Less than two weeks later, I was a member of the club. I really enjoyed playing table tennis, and I didn't do too badly in my first few competitions. Of course, I still needed a bit of training, but I was pretty happy with myself.
Mark was also a newcomer to the team. He had only moved to the city six months earlier, and since, like me, he didn't know many of the other guys, we quickly became friends. Mark told me that he had moved to the city with his brother, who was two years younger than him, and his mother because his parents had separated.
Mark was a really sweet boy. He was 19 like me, a bit taller, had short blond hair, blue eyes, and a smile that could melt icebergs. We often sat together after training. I could listen to him for hours as he talked, somewhat shyly in his quiet voice, about his past and the problems with his parents. You could tell how good it did him to talk about all of these things with someone. He also told me that he met a girl here at the disco and that he was madly in love with her.
Great, I thought, it would have been wonderful if this lovely guy could feel even remotely the same for me as I now felt for him. Yes, I really was a little bit in love with Mark, and yet, the way his eyes sparkled when he talked about Julia, I couldn't help but be happy for him.
It's just like always, I thought, you dream about someone, you hope and then - "bang" it's all gone.
Mark soon began meeting with Julia more often and coming to training less often.
I thought that our friendship was no longer so important to him, but the exact opposite was the case. He would always call me and tell me how things were going with Julia and ask me for advice on what I would do in one situation or another. He was really very happy and always said, "You'll experience all of this soon enough, believe me." Oh Mark, if you only knew. I wasn't sure if I would ever experience something like that, and I couldn't tell him that I didn't necessarily want to experience it with a girl, but would much rather have it with a boy. At that point, I still thought he would never understand, and I only came close to confessing it to him once.
It was my first time visiting Mark, and we settled into his room until dinner. I was very excited because he had spent the previous night in a tent with Julia and had promised to tell me everything. It was their first night together.
"Now tell me, Mark, how was it?" I asked curiously.
"Oh, Bastian, it was pure horror," he said. "I was way too excited and totally messed it up."
It was strange; anyone else would have bragged about it as if it had been a great experience, but Mark, somewhat sadly, told me that it wasn't actually that great. I was just about to tell him that it would definitely be better next time, when someone burst open the door and yelled, "Hey, come on, come eat, I'm starving!" The boy standing in front of me shook my hand briefly and said, "Hi, I'm Tobias," and disappeared again in the same moment.
"My little brother is always a nuisance," laughed Mark. I was about to get up when Mark stopped me. "Bastian, will you promise me something?"
“What?” I asked, surprised.
"Well, don't tell anyone about what I just told you. I'm only telling you all this because you're my best friend." I would have loved to hug him, but I was afraid he might misunderstand (or rather, misunderstand). We'd only known each other for a short time, and the fact that he said "my best friend" made me very happy.
"Of course I won't tell anyone about it. What do you think of me?" He was so open and honest with me, telling me everything, and I almost wanted to confess to him what I'd always wanted to tell at least one person: that I'm gay, but I was afraid and just said quietly, "Come on, let's go eat."
How many times have I wanted to tell someone, but I was probably the only gay person in my circle of friends, and who would understand me? How many times have I wished I could talk to someone about it, but every time I was almost there, new concerns popped into my head. It's like opening a door, but instead of entering the next room, you find yourself standing in front of another door.
But who would understand that? It often seemed to me as if I was the only person in the world who had these problems.
I spent a lot of time at Mark's house next week. We played PlayStation with his brother or had small table tennis tournaments. Tobias wasn't bad at playing either. Julia was at boarding school during the week, and I let the two of them have their own time on the weekends.
When I visited Mark and Tobias again, I had some news for Mark: "My parents aren't here next weekend, and I thought it was time for you to meet my other friends. So, I'm having a little party at my place."
"A party, great!" Tobias shouted. "Can I come too? Please!" I was about to agree, but Mark waved me off.
"This isn't a baby party, you're staying home with Mum." Tobias's expression suddenly darkened. He didn't argue, just looked sadly at the floor. I'd never seen Tobias argue with his older brother before. He seemed to trust him completely. Mark stood up, stroked Tobias's hair, and said, "Hey, little one, of course I'll take you with me. What did you think?" Tobias immediately beamed again, and Mark left the room with a broad grin. "I'll get something to drink, guys."
Now I was alone in the room with Tobias and asked him, "You really like your brother, don't you?"
"Sure," he said, "he's the best brother anyone could wish for. I love him very much." Tobias told me that they hadn't always gotten along so well, but since they found out their parents were getting divorced, that changed, and they now stick together. They didn't want their little family to fall apart any further.
I never asked what was wrong with their father and why they never visited him, but I don't think they wanted to talk about it either.
The following week, I had to complete an internship on one of our ambulances. It was the final part of my training as a paramedic. The work was very interesting, and I learned a lot. I was assigned to work with Nils, and even when we had a less than pleasant callout, where I was confronted with death, he always found the right words.
Plus, I was in a good mood. My party was four days away, my parents weren't here, and work was fun.
It's nice to be able to help people, maybe even save lives. I was "just" the volunteer, but I felt important when I got into the ambulance with the others.
It was Tuesday evening. Half an hour left and I was off work. Nils was sitting at his desk, doing paperwork, when the phone rang. It was the fifth call today.
"VKU in the southern part of the city," said Nils. "A teenager on a moped was hit by a drunk driver and is unresponsive." So I quickly got into the ambulance, flashed the blue lights, and off I went. During the ride, I checked everything that might be needed: IV drips, syringes, bandages, and I checked the oxygen tank. By the time I arrived at the scene of the accident, it was already quite busy. The paramedics were already there, and the police were just arriving. There were so many onlookers that I couldn't even see the injured man. I took the emergency case from its holder and was just about to get out when I heard Nils: "Leave the case, Sebastian, bring the vacuum mattress." So I put the case back and got what I needed.
I had to push through a few people before I got to the injured man, and when I saw him, I couldn't believe my eyes. My knees went weak, and I couldn't move for a moment. "Mark," I stammered quietly.
"What's wrong with you, Sebastian? Do you know him?" Nils asked. I couldn't answer; it was really Mark, lying on the ground, being examined by the emergency doctor.
"Come on, Sebastian, he needs to get into the ambulance quickly," I heard Nils say. From then on, I can't remember anything. It all happened so quickly. I only remember stroking Mark's hair in the ambulance and quietly calling "Mark" over and over. He didn't hear me. He wasn't conscious.
In the hospital's emergency room, I tried to make sure everything went even faster than usual and that Mark got to the treatment room quickly.
I told Nils I wanted to stay. I was off work anyway.
It hadn't been three months since I met Mark, and now I was terrified for him. I tried to control my thoughts, but I couldn't.
Only now did it occur to me whether someone had informed his mother. But the nurse told me she was on her way here.
When she walked through the door, she immediately bombarded me with a ton of questions. She was shaking with excitement, and I was glad the ward doctor arrived at that moment, because I wasn't sure what to say to her.
"Mrs. Müller, I can't tell you much right now. We're going to take your son to the intensive care unit." And then he disappeared into another room. I told Mark's mother what I knew about the accident.
Tobias was visiting his grandmother at the time and had no idea about the accident.
Shortly after midnight, the doctor on duty came to us again and said there was nothing new. Mark was still in a coma, and it would be better if we went home and got some sleep. We couldn't do anything here right now anyway. Although neither of us wanted to, we let ourselves be persuaded.
The next morning, I first thought I'd dreamed it all. Unfortunately, not. Since I had to go back to work that afternoon, I went to the hospital that morning and was told that the situation hadn't changed. My request to see Mark was reluctantly granted because I wasn't family and Mark already had visitors. I could at least go outside the room and see him through the glass; his mother would be there too.
I walked slowly down the hallway, images of the accident flooding my mind again. Mark's mother was standing outside a room. We greeted each other quietly, and she pointed into his room. I saw Tobias kneeling in front of the bed, holding his brother's hand and crying. Tears welled up in my eyes, too.
The next two days passed in slow motion. There was no change in Mark's mood. My party was tomorrow. What should I do? I felt like anything but partying, but all my friends were looking forward to it. They didn't know Mark.
That evening, I spoke to his mother, and she said, "Have the party; it will distract you. Especially Tobias. He hasn't spoken a word since the day before yesterday."
"Well, I'm here because of Tobias," I said. "I wanted to see how he was doing." I went upstairs to his room and knocked on the door. No one answered, so I slowly opened the door.
"May I come in?" Tobias sat on his bed with his head resting on his hands.
"Yeah, sure," he sighed quietly. I sat down next to him on the bed.
"Hey, little warrior, how are you?" I asked.
"And you?" he answered, looking at me questioningly. Of course, we both knew how the other felt. I said, "What do you think? Should we throw the party tomorrow for Mark? We don't have to party like crazy, but I definitely want to tell my friends about Mark, and I think Mark would want that too. Are you coming?" He hesitated.
"I was really looking forward to it, but now? I'd just spoil your mood," he said. "I'm worried about Mark, too. Please help me a little tomorrow. It'll definitely be easier for us together." As he said this, I put my hand on his shoulder. I could see he was hesitant, but after a while he said, "Okay, if you say so," and he even tried to smile a little.
I thought he got that smile from his brother.
The next evening, the little party went quite well. I had given Tobias plenty of work to do. He had to get drinks and do this and that, and that probably distracted him a bit. After all, there were all new faces to him, so he probably wasn't thinking about his brother the whole time. Sometimes I even heard Tobias laughing. A few people were still missing, and every now and then the phone rang, reporting that someone was late. I also tried to reach Julia, but her parents told me she had to stay at boarding school for the weekend.
I didn't know how she'd taken it. We'd only seen each other twice before, and I didn't really dare ask her about it. What should I have said?
Maik, a school friend, called me: "A Mrs. Müller is on the phone and wants to speak to you." Mark's mother? Maybe Mark is feeling better and has woken up from his coma, I thought. If I could tell Tobias, that would be great.
"Yes, Sebastian here." She spoke very quietly, and in the background I could hear my guests talking, and of course, music playing. I couldn't even realize what I had just heard so quickly. I hung up the phone and headed toward the kitchen. I heard Tobias laughing again.
"Come here," I said to him.
"Yes, what is it?" We were alone in the kitchen.
"Your mother just called; she was at the hospital. Mark had another operation this afternoon." Tobias looked at me, perplexed.
"So, is he feeling better? I'm awake?" he asked impatiently. I couldn't say anything else; my throat felt like it was closing up. I burst into tears and hugged Tobias. It was as if I only now understood the words I'd just heard on the phone. It was like a stab in my heart with a hot needle, and the next words were hard to come out.
"No, Tobias, Mark died an hour ago." I felt Tobias start to shake. He was struggling. I held him tightly, and we just cried. I wanted so badly to comfort him, but no matter how hard I searched for words, I couldn't find any.
A little later, I took Tobias to my room. It had been agreed that he would stay overnight with me anyway, and I wanted to sleep on the sofa in the living room. I tried to explain the situation to everyone else and said I'd rather be alone right now. My friends were really worried and understood.
I went back to my room. Tobias was lying in my bed, crying.
"Hey Tobi, are you okay?" I asked, sitting carefully on the bed.
"I need him so much, what should I do?" he cried. I stroked his hair, and he said even more quietly: "Please Sebastian, don't leave me here alone tonight. Stay with me. Please."
"OK," I replied.
Ten minutes later, we were both lying in my bed, cuddled up close, each holding the other tightly in my arms, crying. How often in my dreams had I wished to lie in bed like that with a boy. And now? Now everything is different. I'm just deeply sad and would give anything for this story to have turned out differently. I would give anything for that.
I couldn't sleep for a long time, thinking about Mark, thinking about the hours we'd spent together, thinking about his openness with me and his smile that I would never see again. I was angry with myself for not being with him today.
Why Mark? Why him?
I felt bad because I'd never told him the whole truth about myself, and now I was sure he would have understood. Definitely.
For the next few weeks, I spent almost every free minute with Tobias. He often stayed overnight with me and even had his own guest bed in my room. His mother was happy that I had managed to distract Tobias from his great loss, and even though I couldn't replace Mark, I enjoyed being with Tobias. I enjoyed it a lot, in fact, and I did feel a bit guilty about it. I thought Tobias was really looking for a substitute brother in me. He liked to hold me in his arms, sought my closeness, and told me a lot from deep within himself. Why did I feel a bit guilty about it? For me, it was more than just a good friendship by now; I loved being with him, being close to him. But I was also afraid of abusing his feelings about his brother's death.
I realized I'd fallen in love with him without ever noticing that he was actually really cute. What used to be so important to me about other boys, I didn't notice at all about him at first. I liked his personality, his character, regardless of his looks. Nevertheless, he was very "cute" – about 5'9" tall, with short dark-blond hair, blue-gray eyes, and the same sweet smile as his brother.
One evening, when he stayed over at my place again, he was acting very strange. Tobias was going on a school trip the next morning, and I was supposed to drive him to the train station first thing in the morning because his mother had to work. He barely said anything the entire evening, and I had the feeling he was desperate to get something off his chest. We had both already lain down and wished each other 'good night' when he suddenly came to my bed.
"Can I ask you something, Sebastian?"
"Well, always. Go ahead." I could tell the words weren't coming easily to his lips and that he was very agitated inside.
"I mean... Well... Um..."
“Come on, tell me what’s going on?” I encouraged him.
"Well, I mean... do you think it's really bad when a boy loves a boy?" The question surprised me a bit, but I didn't have to think about it for long and said, "When two people love each other, it's always something very beautiful and wonderful, no matter whether it's two boys or two girls or just a boy and a girl." Now he seemed to be getting a little braver.
"And if I love a boy, what would happen then?" He looked at me completely uncertainly.
"Then it's time, my little Tobi, that you introduced me to this lucky fellow." I sat up and more or less whispered the last words into his ear.
"I don't need that, you know him well. But he doesn't know anything about it yet," he said.
"So?" I asked, puzzled.
"Who is it?" He smiled again at that incredibly sweet smile, but there was also some uncertainty in it.
"It's you, Basti. I love YOU." He came closer to me and looked deep into my eyes.
Wow, of course I had hoped that this conversation would end like this, but he had really kept me in suspense and I wanted to keep him waiting a little longer, so I didn't say anything for the time being.
“And now?” he asked, almost fearfully.
"Do you still want to be my boyfriend now that you know this?" I had to grin a little, but said very seriously, "Well, Tobi, now that I know this, you'll probably never sleep on the guest bed in my room again." He wanted to reply, but I covered his mouth with my finger and continued, "If you sleep here with me, it will only be in my bed." He wanted to reply to that, too, but didn't get the chance. I was quicker, held him tightly in my arms, and gave him a long, tender kiss.
"I love you too, you idiot."
"Basti, I've never felt so comfortable with anyone. I want to feel you close to me."
“I love you too,” and we lost ourselves again in an endless kiss.
While we kissed, we caressed each other, never leaving a single spot untouched, and slowly undressed. Soon we were both lying naked in my bed, so close to each other. His hands conjured up a wonderful feeling on every part of my body they touched. A little unsure at first, but soon he lost all inhibitions. The warmth and security he gave me almost made me lose consciousness. My hands felt every inch of his warm, soft skin, like a fire that doesn't burn you. I felt his arousal and I enjoyed touching the parts of his body that I had only ever dreamed of touching on another boy. I felt his body and heard his soft moans. We didn't speak anymore, we didn't need to speak anymore, we were one.
Everything I had imagined so many times was nothing compared to this feeling and I wished it would never end.
It's a shame he has to leave for two weeks the next morning, I thought. I could hardly wait for him to be back.
But that's a whole different story.