07-11-2025, 06:14 PM
"How did it all begin?" How often have I been asked, by friends, by family. So many times I've been asked to tell this one story. Until now, I've always refused. What could possibly be so special about this story? But it kept going through my head. How did it all begin? So I sat down and wrote down a little story that would become the pivotal point of my life.
Who am I? They call me "Ally," and I was christened with the commonplace name Kai-Alexander. My age? Old enough to be a bit more than a little green. My looks, that of a blond, brown-and-green-eyed, fit man (yes, I know, I'm full of myself, but why hide the truth?) And oh yeah... sorry, ladies, I'm gay!
Part
I
I had just returned from Boston, where I'd moved to for a few years (thanks to heartbreak). I hadn't even finished unpacking when my sister stormed into the room, saying she absolutely had to tell me about this new, super-cool chat. She knows I love role-playing sooooo much (and no, not THAT kind of role-playing, even though it is quite nice ). Especially online role-playing games that involved text. A kind of improvisational theater. I signed up and played. But these kinds of plays weren't really challenging. I confess, I outplayed them. What I was looking for were players on my level. And I found them. In one play, I met someone who was not only my equal, but who literally painted pictures with his texts. I was fascinated and excited, and so my character got involved with his. Why not? It was just a play. Or so I thought. I played regularly and even neglected my beloved sport. Instead of running the good 20 kilometers, I only ran five, and instead of spending two hours at the center, I only spent an hour at most. I was far too fascinated by this player I didn't know yet. It wasn't long before we started talking outside of plays. I enjoyed talking to him. We were very similar in many ways, but the complete opposite in others. He dished out, I took in. I dished out, he took in. It was a give and take. Nobody gave back, and I must admit, I liked that.
Then a time came when I had to pack my things and head to London. My company had ordered me there. Well, I had helped things along a bit by applying for a job there. What was keeping me in Germany – apart from my family? So I packed up my belongings and moved to London, near my best friend. For a few days, I was frustrated and completely unapproachable. Rick, my childhood friend, best friend, buddy, and father of my godchildren, quickly realized what was wrong. He grilled me, and I swear, my stomach looked like Swiss cheese! I told him everything, including how I missed playing with the mysterious stranger. He raised his eyebrow and smiled in a way that conveyed not only understanding but also knowledge. At that point, he knew something that was still hidden from me!
Sure, I distracted myself, tried not to think about the stranger, but... this someone had long since secretly crept into my thoughts. As soon as I was online, I could hardly wait to meet him. I absorbed his words like a sponge. When he wasn't there, I was inedible. Sometimes I felt like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But it wasn't enough! It wasn't enough for me to just read about him. I wanted to know what he looked like, what he sounded like, what he smelled like. It wasn't just me who felt that way; he did too, as I found out. Just curiosity, or was there more to it?
To this day, I don't know who suggested the meeting. Ultimately, it doesn't matter anymore. I still remember how nervous I was, restless, and excited. Like before a first date. Was it one? Or were we just two chat acquaintances who would never see each other again after this meeting? Questions upon questions and (still) no answers. I was way ahead of schedule in front of the small café we had agreed upon as our meeting place, smoking a calming cigarette. Thanks to his photo, I knew what he looked like. As I sat there with my cigarette in my hand, wondering how the meeting would go, he walked past me. He hadn't seen me—how could he with my sunglasses on? But I saw him! Wow! Quite shorter than me, very slim, and an ass that would… well, maybe later. I looked after him and put out my cigarette. I collected myself and told my heart to stop beating so fast and so loudly. Someone else heard it afterwards!
Minutes passed before I got up the courage to go inside, taking off my sunglasses. My gaze wandered around the room until it caught on a mop of black hair. I studied him with relish and chuckled when I saw how much sugar he was shoveling into his coffee. I just thought, 'No wonder he's such a sweetheart,' and slowly approached him. Apparently, he didn't hear me coming, so I called him by name.
„Cian?“
Heavens, just the wonderfully astonished look he gave me, as if I were from Mars, Jupiter, or somewhere else. I had to suppress a grin, so I just smiled, and I know the effect of my smile and my eyes. Apparently, it didn't fail to have the desired effect, because he seemed transfixed. I waved my hand in his face, but he didn't notice, so I spoke to him again.
“You’re Cian, aren’t you?”
Finally, he broke out of his stupor, nodded, and pulled his legs toward him, saying, "Yep, sit down." Another person who liked to spread out a bit. I pulled up the chair, turned it, and straddled it as usual, while also ordering a coffee from the waiter. But unlike my counterpart, I preferred it black, with a spoonful of sugar at most. We sized each other up, tried to size each other up, examined each other, and for my part, I can only say: I really liked what I saw.
Somehow we got talking. I don't remember who started it. It doesn't matter anymore anyway. We talked about our characters (he was just as crazy about them as I was), philosophized about God and the world, and the world beyond. About death. We both had different views on the subject of death and reincarnation. No wonder, he's a pagan, and I'm religious in my own way. But ultimately, everyone believes in something, right?
I don't remember how long we sat there, but it must have been a long time, because the staff practically kicked us out. We parted ways with the promise to stay in touch. At least, as far as the real world was concerned. As soon as we went online, things continued.
I didn't want to admit it, but this little fighter had me hooked. He was turning my head, and I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted or needed. Sure, getting laid once would have been okay, but more? I fought tooth and nail against what my heart was already whispering to me. But I didn't want to listen, so I had to talk to someone. And who better to do that with than my best friend?
I called him that same evening, and as soon as he got in touch, I started bubbling. I talked—no, I raved about the guy named Cian.
He listened to it for a long time and patiently. I could practically hear his grin, and the only thing he said was, "Ally, you're in love!" Before I could protest, he hung up. He knew me too well! But was I really in love? Me? Of all people? The one who had sworn to myself that after my last relationship I'd only have one-night stands and never commit to anything serious again? But what does life teach us? Things always turn out differently than expected.
It wasn't as if I didn't like him. I like men who are shorter than me and who also have blue eyes. As blue as the deep ocean and the wide sky. Men? Yep, I'm gay! There's nothing more to say. So, in love. He haunted my thoughts and, many a night, my dreams. Dreams that should have been rated FSK21.
But this fluffy, pink, cotton-wool feeling wouldn't last long. We still talked, but he also showed me a side of himself that I couldn't place. All of a sudden, he switched to being a selfish, cold-blooded asshole. Well, he was only in love on one side—mine. How else could I interpret his behavior? Well, if that's how he wanted it, then fine. I withdrew more and more and went to parties with Rick. Other fathers, as we all know, had handsome sons. Really nice morsels for bed. But no matter who I was sleeping with, thoughts of him wouldn't leave me alone. I had sex with others, but in the end, I felt empty. Something was missing, no... I knew it by now. He was missing! But I wouldn't tell him that? I'd be damned if I told him that! Not the way he'd treated me.
So the days passed and at some point – let's say it was mid-August – I got a message from him. A very long message. A message about his thoughts, his feelings. How he felt about me. I don't know how many times I read that. But I do know that it was several times. I thought I'd been kicked! Was he trying to pull a fast one on me or what was this all about? You don't play with feelings! And even less with mine! How did I feel? I was surprised, very surprised, and then angry, only to feel butterflies in my stomach the next moment. He felt something for me. Did I feel something for him too? It took a few days until I got my own feelings sorted. Once I was sure, I texted him and said we should meet up. Same time, same place.
He was early, and so was I. Only this time I was sitting inside, stirring my coffee, when he came in. He looked good, but also somewhat sleepless. He obviously hadn't gotten much sleep the last few nights. I looked at him with an inscrutable gaze and leaned back. For this meeting—I didn't even dare to think about it as a date!—I had thrown myself into jeans and a tight shirt. I admit, I like to show off, I'm proud of my toned body! I had hung my blazer over the chair. With a nod, I indicated that he should sit down, and he did. Where had that loudmouth gone, who had been talking so big? He had slumped meekly in his chair, preferring to look at his coffee rather than me. For a while, I tolerated the silence before I silently sighed and asked him, "Are you serious about your message?"
He looked at me, completely perplexed, not knowing what to say for a few minutes. I, on the other hand, met his gaze with outward calm, but inwardly tense like a bowstring before being fired. I didn't have to wait long, because he snapped: "I don't joke about things like that, and you know it!" My eyebrow raised at this statement.
So I raised my hands defensively and sighed inwardly. "Calm down, Cian." I love his name! "I didn't mean to offend. But it's a bit strange falling in love with someone you've only seen once. Especially you, who doesn't believe in love at first sight," I said quietly, especially considering the last few weeks. I just wanted to make sure this wasn't a scam. That's exactly what my heart needed right now—and neither did I.
I flinched slightly as he slammed his coffee cup onto the porcelain saucer and stood up. "You're right, Kai. It's damn weird." I sighed again. I've been rumored to have a temper, but he must have been a diva. He looked at me again, turned around, and started to leave.
For a moment, I was tempted to just sit there, but if I did, I might miss THE opportunity. What did I have to lose—apart from my heart? Not much.
It's an advantage to exercise and learn how to deal with obstacles that need to be avoided. So I was right behind him at the door. He was about to open it when I turned him by the shoulder and didn't hesitate. I just kissed him! He tasted of coffee, cigarettes, and something sweet. One kiss, and I was hooked!
After what felt like an eternity, I pulled away from him, only for him to hiss at me, "What's going on?" Instead of answering, I just pressed him closer and kissed him again. There were many ways to communicate, but at that moment, I preferred the nonverbal way, to exchange lip service.
At that moment everything was just one thing: perfect!
I gaze thoughtfully at the screen, stroking my tingling lips as I remember our first two kisses. Only now do I notice someone waving their hands in front of my face. "What are you writing about?" I'm asked. Smiling, I take her hands in mine and look into blue eyes. This blue reminds me of the vastness of the sky and the depths of the ocean. Blowing a gentle kiss onto the ring on my right hand, I answer: "About beginnings, love at first sight, and feelings that make every storm seem like a gentle breeze!"
It's hard to believe, but years have passed since our first meeting, and now I'm married to him – Cian. I look at him with a dreamy smile. Meanwhile, he's made himself comfortable on my lap and puts his arms around my neck, while I wrap my own around his waist. Partly to support him, and partly to hold him close.
"Have you ever regretted it?" he wants to know. My eyebrow automatically raises and I look at him. Have I ever regretted it? Sure, we're draining each other's nerves and patience. Sometimes it hurts when we're apart—which my job entails—or especially when we argue. A brief flicker of uncertainty flickers in his eyes. Smiling, I slide a hand behind his neck, pull him down to me, and before I engage him in a deep and tender kiss, I answer his question in a whisper against his lips: "Not for a single second!"
Who am I? They call me "Ally," and I was christened with the commonplace name Kai-Alexander. My age? Old enough to be a bit more than a little green. My looks, that of a blond, brown-and-green-eyed, fit man (yes, I know, I'm full of myself, but why hide the truth?) And oh yeah... sorry, ladies, I'm gay!
Part
I
I had just returned from Boston, where I'd moved to for a few years (thanks to heartbreak). I hadn't even finished unpacking when my sister stormed into the room, saying she absolutely had to tell me about this new, super-cool chat. She knows I love role-playing sooooo much (and no, not THAT kind of role-playing, even though it is quite nice ). Especially online role-playing games that involved text. A kind of improvisational theater. I signed up and played. But these kinds of plays weren't really challenging. I confess, I outplayed them. What I was looking for were players on my level. And I found them. In one play, I met someone who was not only my equal, but who literally painted pictures with his texts. I was fascinated and excited, and so my character got involved with his. Why not? It was just a play. Or so I thought. I played regularly and even neglected my beloved sport. Instead of running the good 20 kilometers, I only ran five, and instead of spending two hours at the center, I only spent an hour at most. I was far too fascinated by this player I didn't know yet. It wasn't long before we started talking outside of plays. I enjoyed talking to him. We were very similar in many ways, but the complete opposite in others. He dished out, I took in. I dished out, he took in. It was a give and take. Nobody gave back, and I must admit, I liked that.
Then a time came when I had to pack my things and head to London. My company had ordered me there. Well, I had helped things along a bit by applying for a job there. What was keeping me in Germany – apart from my family? So I packed up my belongings and moved to London, near my best friend. For a few days, I was frustrated and completely unapproachable. Rick, my childhood friend, best friend, buddy, and father of my godchildren, quickly realized what was wrong. He grilled me, and I swear, my stomach looked like Swiss cheese! I told him everything, including how I missed playing with the mysterious stranger. He raised his eyebrow and smiled in a way that conveyed not only understanding but also knowledge. At that point, he knew something that was still hidden from me!
Sure, I distracted myself, tried not to think about the stranger, but... this someone had long since secretly crept into my thoughts. As soon as I was online, I could hardly wait to meet him. I absorbed his words like a sponge. When he wasn't there, I was inedible. Sometimes I felt like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But it wasn't enough! It wasn't enough for me to just read about him. I wanted to know what he looked like, what he sounded like, what he smelled like. It wasn't just me who felt that way; he did too, as I found out. Just curiosity, or was there more to it?
To this day, I don't know who suggested the meeting. Ultimately, it doesn't matter anymore. I still remember how nervous I was, restless, and excited. Like before a first date. Was it one? Or were we just two chat acquaintances who would never see each other again after this meeting? Questions upon questions and (still) no answers. I was way ahead of schedule in front of the small café we had agreed upon as our meeting place, smoking a calming cigarette. Thanks to his photo, I knew what he looked like. As I sat there with my cigarette in my hand, wondering how the meeting would go, he walked past me. He hadn't seen me—how could he with my sunglasses on? But I saw him! Wow! Quite shorter than me, very slim, and an ass that would… well, maybe later. I looked after him and put out my cigarette. I collected myself and told my heart to stop beating so fast and so loudly. Someone else heard it afterwards!
Minutes passed before I got up the courage to go inside, taking off my sunglasses. My gaze wandered around the room until it caught on a mop of black hair. I studied him with relish and chuckled when I saw how much sugar he was shoveling into his coffee. I just thought, 'No wonder he's such a sweetheart,' and slowly approached him. Apparently, he didn't hear me coming, so I called him by name.
„Cian?“
Heavens, just the wonderfully astonished look he gave me, as if I were from Mars, Jupiter, or somewhere else. I had to suppress a grin, so I just smiled, and I know the effect of my smile and my eyes. Apparently, it didn't fail to have the desired effect, because he seemed transfixed. I waved my hand in his face, but he didn't notice, so I spoke to him again.
“You’re Cian, aren’t you?”
Finally, he broke out of his stupor, nodded, and pulled his legs toward him, saying, "Yep, sit down." Another person who liked to spread out a bit. I pulled up the chair, turned it, and straddled it as usual, while also ordering a coffee from the waiter. But unlike my counterpart, I preferred it black, with a spoonful of sugar at most. We sized each other up, tried to size each other up, examined each other, and for my part, I can only say: I really liked what I saw.
Somehow we got talking. I don't remember who started it. It doesn't matter anymore anyway. We talked about our characters (he was just as crazy about them as I was), philosophized about God and the world, and the world beyond. About death. We both had different views on the subject of death and reincarnation. No wonder, he's a pagan, and I'm religious in my own way. But ultimately, everyone believes in something, right?
I don't remember how long we sat there, but it must have been a long time, because the staff practically kicked us out. We parted ways with the promise to stay in touch. At least, as far as the real world was concerned. As soon as we went online, things continued.
I didn't want to admit it, but this little fighter had me hooked. He was turning my head, and I wasn't sure if that was what I wanted or needed. Sure, getting laid once would have been okay, but more? I fought tooth and nail against what my heart was already whispering to me. But I didn't want to listen, so I had to talk to someone. And who better to do that with than my best friend?
I called him that same evening, and as soon as he got in touch, I started bubbling. I talked—no, I raved about the guy named Cian.
He listened to it for a long time and patiently. I could practically hear his grin, and the only thing he said was, "Ally, you're in love!" Before I could protest, he hung up. He knew me too well! But was I really in love? Me? Of all people? The one who had sworn to myself that after my last relationship I'd only have one-night stands and never commit to anything serious again? But what does life teach us? Things always turn out differently than expected.
It wasn't as if I didn't like him. I like men who are shorter than me and who also have blue eyes. As blue as the deep ocean and the wide sky. Men? Yep, I'm gay! There's nothing more to say. So, in love. He haunted my thoughts and, many a night, my dreams. Dreams that should have been rated FSK21.
But this fluffy, pink, cotton-wool feeling wouldn't last long. We still talked, but he also showed me a side of himself that I couldn't place. All of a sudden, he switched to being a selfish, cold-blooded asshole. Well, he was only in love on one side—mine. How else could I interpret his behavior? Well, if that's how he wanted it, then fine. I withdrew more and more and went to parties with Rick. Other fathers, as we all know, had handsome sons. Really nice morsels for bed. But no matter who I was sleeping with, thoughts of him wouldn't leave me alone. I had sex with others, but in the end, I felt empty. Something was missing, no... I knew it by now. He was missing! But I wouldn't tell him that? I'd be damned if I told him that! Not the way he'd treated me.
So the days passed and at some point – let's say it was mid-August – I got a message from him. A very long message. A message about his thoughts, his feelings. How he felt about me. I don't know how many times I read that. But I do know that it was several times. I thought I'd been kicked! Was he trying to pull a fast one on me or what was this all about? You don't play with feelings! And even less with mine! How did I feel? I was surprised, very surprised, and then angry, only to feel butterflies in my stomach the next moment. He felt something for me. Did I feel something for him too? It took a few days until I got my own feelings sorted. Once I was sure, I texted him and said we should meet up. Same time, same place.
He was early, and so was I. Only this time I was sitting inside, stirring my coffee, when he came in. He looked good, but also somewhat sleepless. He obviously hadn't gotten much sleep the last few nights. I looked at him with an inscrutable gaze and leaned back. For this meeting—I didn't even dare to think about it as a date!—I had thrown myself into jeans and a tight shirt. I admit, I like to show off, I'm proud of my toned body! I had hung my blazer over the chair. With a nod, I indicated that he should sit down, and he did. Where had that loudmouth gone, who had been talking so big? He had slumped meekly in his chair, preferring to look at his coffee rather than me. For a while, I tolerated the silence before I silently sighed and asked him, "Are you serious about your message?"
He looked at me, completely perplexed, not knowing what to say for a few minutes. I, on the other hand, met his gaze with outward calm, but inwardly tense like a bowstring before being fired. I didn't have to wait long, because he snapped: "I don't joke about things like that, and you know it!" My eyebrow raised at this statement.
So I raised my hands defensively and sighed inwardly. "Calm down, Cian." I love his name! "I didn't mean to offend. But it's a bit strange falling in love with someone you've only seen once. Especially you, who doesn't believe in love at first sight," I said quietly, especially considering the last few weeks. I just wanted to make sure this wasn't a scam. That's exactly what my heart needed right now—and neither did I.
I flinched slightly as he slammed his coffee cup onto the porcelain saucer and stood up. "You're right, Kai. It's damn weird." I sighed again. I've been rumored to have a temper, but he must have been a diva. He looked at me again, turned around, and started to leave.
For a moment, I was tempted to just sit there, but if I did, I might miss THE opportunity. What did I have to lose—apart from my heart? Not much.
It's an advantage to exercise and learn how to deal with obstacles that need to be avoided. So I was right behind him at the door. He was about to open it when I turned him by the shoulder and didn't hesitate. I just kissed him! He tasted of coffee, cigarettes, and something sweet. One kiss, and I was hooked!
After what felt like an eternity, I pulled away from him, only for him to hiss at me, "What's going on?" Instead of answering, I just pressed him closer and kissed him again. There were many ways to communicate, but at that moment, I preferred the nonverbal way, to exchange lip service.
At that moment everything was just one thing: perfect!
I gaze thoughtfully at the screen, stroking my tingling lips as I remember our first two kisses. Only now do I notice someone waving their hands in front of my face. "What are you writing about?" I'm asked. Smiling, I take her hands in mine and look into blue eyes. This blue reminds me of the vastness of the sky and the depths of the ocean. Blowing a gentle kiss onto the ring on my right hand, I answer: "About beginnings, love at first sight, and feelings that make every storm seem like a gentle breeze!"
It's hard to believe, but years have passed since our first meeting, and now I'm married to him – Cian. I look at him with a dreamy smile. Meanwhile, he's made himself comfortable on my lap and puts his arms around my neck, while I wrap my own around his waist. Partly to support him, and partly to hold him close.
"Have you ever regretted it?" he wants to know. My eyebrow automatically raises and I look at him. Have I ever regretted it? Sure, we're draining each other's nerves and patience. Sometimes it hurts when we're apart—which my job entails—or especially when we argue. A brief flicker of uncertainty flickers in his eyes. Smiling, I slide a hand behind his neck, pull him down to me, and before I engage him in a deep and tender kiss, I answer his question in a whisper against his lips: "Not for a single second!"