07-11-2025, 06:15 PM
»Come with me
Where chains will never bind you
All your grief
At last, at last behind you
Lord in Heaven
Look down on him in mercy
Forgive me all my trespasses
And take me to your glory
Take my hand
And lead me to salvation
Take my love
For love is everlasting
And remember
The truth that once was spoken
To love another person
Is to see the face of God …«
(From the musical "Les Miserables" by Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schönberg, the English text is by Herbert Kretzmer.)
"Swab, quick... oxygen and put in an IV line... Okay, that's it, off to the OR, we have to..."
Then I knew nothing anymore. Everything was dark... nothing... nothing at all... Where was I?... What's going on?... What's happening to me?... Was this all just a dream?...
When I came to later, everything was white. I don't remember exactly how long I had been lying there when a door opened somewhere. I couldn't tell where the creaking of the door was coming from because every movement hurt. My head felt as if an ICE train had just rushed over it. My right arm and foot ached, too. And my stomach felt as if someone had just kneaded it like dough. I heard a familiar voice talking. I couldn't understand any of it because the ICE train announced itself again with a loud honk. The two people who had just been standing next to me left, turned off the lights, and closed the door. I wanted to say something, because that way they wouldn't have to slam the door, but I was too weak. I closed my eyes, and then there was nothing again... just this silence... and darkness... Once again I came to, but there was only a steady beeping, nothing else... I fell asleep again...
At some point I was woken up. "Good morning, did you sleep well?"
"Yeah, what's wrong? Everything hurts."
Who was speaking to me, where was I? What happened? Or did I just have a bad dream?
"You're at St. Thomas Hospital, I'm Nurse Michaela. You've had an accident."
Now I could remember again. I was out skating when I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I must have been distracted for a moment, because the nurse told me I had crashed into a car. Meanwhile, a doctor had also come over and tried to explain everything to me.
"Okay, but could you speak a little more quietly? My head hurts quite a bit."
"I believe you immediately. You have a severe concussion, your right arm and foot are broken, you have numerous scrapes and cuts, and we removed your appendix. But you were lucky; nothing much happened to you; things are a different story with the car. By the way, you have to stay here for about four weeks. I'm Dr. Weinmann."
Well, that's a rosy outlook. First my girlfriend breaks up with me, then the planned vacation falls through, and now I'm in the hospital in this wonderful weather.
"The cast will come off in two weeks, and then you'll get a walking cast, and then we'll see."
What was the point of getting upset? I had no other choice and I couldn't escape, at least not without help.
"You'll have something to eat later. First, we need to do a few tests, and you'll need to be fasting. Sebastian will be here soon and take you to the treatment room." And then he was gone.
Great, some stupid nurse will shove me there now, and then I'll have to undergo a whole bunch of tests. There was a knock on my door.
»Herein.«
"Good morning. I'm Sebastian, but you can call me Basti. What have you done? You don't look well at all."
So I told Basti that I was Marc and what had happened while he was pushing me to the elevator. Somehow, I told him more than I wanted to, because I'd only known him for a few minutes, and I don't usually tell such things to everyone, but he was somehow different. I told him about my girlfriend, how we were still happy, but also how we'd broken up. Actually, she had broken up with me because she'd met this great guy. Great guy? Or rather, he looked like one giant muscle, pumped up to the max, and then that name—Benedikt—just hearing it makes me go... This guy said he was really great. The day after Lisa (my girlfriend, well, ex-girlfriend) broke up with me, he came up to me at school and said:
"Finally, she has a real guy, not a wimp like you. She's so horny, she can't get enough of me."
"I was about to punch him, but I managed to control myself just in time, because otherwise I probably would have been here in the hospital sooner. So I just turned around and left. His words had hurt me, I didn't know why, but he was right; I wasn't what you'd call a dream man. I'm only 1.72 m tall, and my skin isn't exactly clear. My nose is too big in my opinion, and my hair lacks shine and is completely brittle. God hasn't been kind to me in other ways either; I have a hollow back, and that, at least visually, gives me a bit of a belly. Well, I'm not Adonis."
"Come on, don't make yourself look worse than you are. You seem like a nice guy and everything else. You look nice." He grinned at me.
"Thanks."
We were already outside the room, and Basti pushed me in. He was just about to leave when Dr. Weinmann called for Basti. He spoke to him briefly, but unfortunately, I couldn't understand anything because I'm naturally curious, and then Basti disappeared.
After an hour, all the examinations were completed and Basti came back in to pick me up and take me to my room.
"Be happy, I'll be your personal caregiver for the next few weeks."
"Aha, you look so young, are you even a nurse?"
"No, I'm doing my community service here, but I know what I have to do. My father is a doctor."
"Well, I hope you don't kill me."
"Don't worry, so far everyone has survived my treatment." He put on one of those inscrutable smiles again.
"This could be fun, with so many nurses here, and I'm getting a volunteer who doesn't know a thing or two."
"That's not entirely true, but that's not important right now. Are you hungry?" Another one of those grins.
By now, we'd returned to my room. Thank goodness I had a private room; the whining from other patients would have really gotten on my nerves. Having private insurance does have its advantages. And the hunger thing—I was ravenous, having not eaten anything in over 24 hours. Basti disappeared for a moment and then returned with a huge tray. It had everything you could dream of: muesli, sausage, Nutella, orange juice, and my beloved coffee.
"So, I wasn't sure what you liked, so I raided the kitchen and brought back a little bit of everything."
"Thanks, but since when does the hospital have such a wide selection?"
"Well, first of all, you're a private patient, and secondly, as I said, my father is a doctor and works here, so I have a few special privileges. Not that I have to work less, but I'm treated much more kindly than the other volunteers, and things like that."
"Well, there's something good about you looking after me."
"I told you so."
I took a big sip of coffee that Basti had made. Like me, he hates nothing more than bad coffee and had to explain to the nurses how to make good coffee. Basti made me some sandwiches, and I leisurely ate my long-awaited breakfast.
"So Basti, now that you've learned a lot about me, I want to know something about you too."
"What do you want to know?"
"Anything, really, but let's start with this: do you have a girlfriend?"
"Uh, mhh, why?" he stammered.
"Because you already found out that my girlfriend just broke up with me, and it's only fair that I know that from you too, right?"
"No, I don't have one, but I don't really want one either... At least not at the moment."
The hesitation before the last sentence made me suspicious, but I didn't want to go into it any further, and actually I wasn't particularly interested. We talked a bit more about this and that, and then I got tired. After Basti left, I turned over on my left side and slept a little. I dreamed about my ruined vacation. I was on a beach. The sun was just setting, and what startled me was that Basti was walking naked next to me. It was strange; what was he doing in my dream? I hardly knew him, and besides, I was into girls, but the sight of him still aroused me a little.
When I woke up again, Basti was sitting on a chair next to my bed. I was really happy to see him. Again, I had that strange feeling: what was wrong with me? But I couldn't think any further because he abruptly pulled me out of my thoughts.
"Hungry, do you want something to eat?"
»Gerne.«
Er ging los und kam mit etwas Undefinierbarem zurück, das aber gar nicht so schlecht war. Weiter passierte an diesem Abend nichts. Am nächsten Morgen sollte ich gewaschen werden, was mir natürlich nicht so ganz passte, denn zu so früher Stunde hatte ich immer ein gewisses Problem in Höhe der Hüften. Ich wollte mich wehren, aber da kam auch schon die Schwester und wollte mir die Decke wegziehen. Nachdem ich das mit einem schnellen Griff der gesunden Hand noch verhindern konnte, kam Basti in das Zimmer und fragt, was sie denn da machte?
»Ich soll den Patienten waschen.«
»Nein, das mache ich, ich soll mich um ihn kümmern, da gehört das auch dazu.«
»Aber ...«
»Nichts aber, oder soll ich erst zu Papa gehen und mich beschweren, dass du mich meinen Dienst nicht machen lässt?«
»Schon gut, ich gehe ja schon ...«
»Gut, also was ist, du bist ja immer noch da.«
»Schon weg und sei brav.« Dabei grinste sie ihn ganz frech an.
»Endlich ist meine nervige Schwester weg.«
"Seems to be a family business here?"
"Not quite, my mother works in an ophthalmology clinic."
"Okay, but the washing thing, is that really necessary?"
"Sure, what do you think?"
"Well, I have a problem," I said, quite embarrassed.
"If you mean what I think, I have it too, so there's nothing I don't know about it, so don't be so shy."
"What do you mean?" I asked him innocently.
"I'd say you have morning wood and you're afraid I'll react weirdly. But let's be honest, we're all young and hormones are a little freaky."
I think I turned red as a tomato because I had some experience with girls, but it never went to the extreme, and I had never really talked about it so openly with anyone. I was a bit old-fashioned in that respect.
Before I could react, Basti had thrown back the covers and taken off my hospital gown, the kind that always makes your bottom freeze.
»So, ab ins Bad.«
No sooner said than done, a short time later I was in the bathroom and he pulled down my boxer shorts. The problem had fortunately subsided somewhat by then, and I felt an unpleasant pressure on my bladder. After that problem was also resolved, Basti began to wash my back. It was a great feeling to finally feel water on my body again after almost 50 hours. One thing, however, gave me a headache: as Basti was washing my back, this inappropriate congestion returned. I didn't understand the world anymore. What was wrong with me? A strange boy touched me and I got hard. That can't be right. I grabbed a towel and tried as discreetly as possible to hide the obvious, but Basti had noticed long ago because I could see a nasty grin on his lips. Thank God he didn't say anything, because I was so embarrassed. What would he think of me? Probably something along the lines of, "Oh God, I have to wash a faggot," which I wasn't, but he would have definitely thought something like that. But he remained silent, and I was very glad about that, because I wouldn't have known what to answer him in that moment.
Nothing unusual happened for the next three weeks: sleeping, eating, washing every day, a few friends coming to visit, etc. After 22 days, my doctor said I could go home, and that the cast would be removed and my arm would be bandaged that same day. On the one hand, I was happy to finally be home and sleeping in my own bed, but on the other, my parents were away for two months and would be gone for another one. Just as I was trying to figure out how to handle the whole situation, Basti came over and wanted to say goodbye.
"Have you packed yet, or do you need help?"
"No, but I think I can manage on my own, but if you feel like it, you can keep me company."
"Sure, I'll do it." His eyes sparkled. "Oh, before you go, I want to tell you something I haven't been able to until now."
"Shoot."
"So, Marc, I don't know how to begin."
"That's a shame, then you'll probably..."
But he didn't let me finish. What he had to say seemed very important to him, but also difficult, so I decided to remain silent for the time being. He sat down on the bed next to me.
"Now, if you'll shut up, I'd like to say it, and I'll only do it once, so don't interrupt me."
He had such a serious tone, all the cheerfulness with which he had cheered me up over the last few weeks seemed to have suddenly disappeared.
"It's never been so hard for me to say this, and I don't want to lose you, because I think we've become something like friends over the past few weeks. But I have to tell you, because you should always be honest, and I wasn't completely honest. When you asked me back then if I had a girlfriend, I answered, not at the moment, but that was only partly true, because I don't really want one either."
He remained silent, so I took the opportunity to say something too.
"So you're gay?!"
»Yes.«
"Why are you so hesitant about it? Do you think that just because you like boys, I don't want to be friends with you anymore?"
"No, I didn't really think of you that way, but I have to say something else: I've fallen in love with a really sweet boy."
"That's great, what's his name?"
»Marc.«
"And what does he look like?" I was once again completely confused.
"Are you that obtuse or are you just pretending? I'm in love with you."
I didn't know what to say. On the one hand, I was flattered that someone had fallen in love with me, but on the other hand, it was new to hear that from a boy. I liked Basti too, but could I love him? Sure, there was something there, but I thought it was just my hormones going haywire. Basti must have noticed that I was thinking about something.
"What's wrong? If I offended you, I'm sorry, but I just wanted to be honest."
I tried to sort out all the chaos in my head, which everyone knows but which cannot be put into words, and to answer him.
"So, Basti, I think you're very nice. You've become a really good friend, and I like you more than my other friends, but I can't tell you whether I love you, not yet. I need to figure myself out first. Up until now, I've only had female friends, and I've never thought about anything else. Just give me a little more time, OK?"
"I'll give you as much time as you need, but please give me an answer sometime soon. I don't want to go through my whole life without hearing from you and always be in this uncertainty."
"As soon as I'm clear about it, I'll definitely give you an answer. I owe it to you after you've been so honest. But I don't know when."
"Thanks, can we still see each other until you decide?"
"Yes, but only if you promise not to harass me or attack me."
"I can reassure you, I still have myself under control."
"Okay, let's finish packing, I want to go home."
We quickly packed the rest of my things, which wasn't exactly a lot, and then Basti drove me home. We said our goodbyes and I went into the house. I couldn't get that afternoon out of my head. I tried to sort things out, but it was so difficult; I can't put it any other way, because what was going on inside me is indescribable. I turned on my computer to distract myself, but that didn't really work, so I looked around on various gay websites to see if I could find any help there. But I couldn't find the information I needed anywhere. The only thing I found was a link to a chat room. I met a really nice guy there. I told him what had happened to me and what I should do to find out whether I was gay or not. I still think about his answer often today. I don't remember the exact words, but I'll just try to paraphrase it.
'As far as I know, you're friends with him, but if you still think about him all the time and somehow want to be around him all the time, and if you're usually down but only happy and content around him, then I'd say you've fallen in love with him. But don't jump to conclusions just because you like him; really think about it carefully. And it doesn't matter who you love, the main thing is that you love.'
That's pretty much what this boy advised me back then. We talked a bit more generally about being gay and everything under the sun until I got tired and lay down to sleep.
I didn't contact Basti for the next few days, and he gave me time to come to terms with it. But I spent most of the day thinking about Basti; I even saw his face in my dreams. It became clearer and clearer to me, but I didn't want to admit it to myself, so I didn't dare call Basti. A week later, on a rainy day, the phone rang, and he was on the other end of the line.
"Hi how are you?"
"Thanks, well, if I lie down incorrectly or make a quick movement, it hurts, but otherwise I can hardly feel it anymore."
"I'm glad, if you'd like, we could do something together today."
"Let's see what you suggest."
"How about going to the cinema? There's supposed to be a great movie playing."
"Yes, well, when and where?"
"At half past five, in front of the cinema."
"Okay, I'm on time, see you then."
"Yes, see you later."
I hung up, glad to finally see him again. I'd really missed him, but luckily we were going to the movies, so at least I didn't have to talk to him as much. I wouldn't have known what to say to him and just wanted to be near him.
When I arrived at the cinema on time, Basti was already there. He looked very relieved, whether that was because I'd arrived at all or simply because I was there on time, I don't know. I was glad to finally see him again. He was standing in the red sunlight, and I don't know, but it became clear to me what I would soon have to say to him, but somehow I didn't dare. We greeted each other briefly and talked about what we'd been up to over the past few days, but he didn't ask if I'd decided anything yet, and I didn't say a word about it either.
We hadn't had a chance to talk very much before the movie started. Basti was sitting to my left, and as I was reaching into the bag of popcorn we had just bought, he must have had the same idea, because our hands met in the bag. It was like lightning struck me; I had never felt so good. Now I was absolutely certain I had fallen in love with him. He wanted to pull his hand away, but I held on tight and looked at him. I only saw his silhouette, but I could clearly see a smile on his lips. He slowly moved his head toward mine. I didn't move away, I just sat there motionless. His lips met mine, and I closed my eyes. He pulled his head back slightly, but when I followed him, he stopped his "retreat," and our lips met again. He opened his mouth, and his tongue asked for entry. I opened my mouth, too, and my tongue wandered into his. Still holding his hand, I put my other arm around his waist while he gently stroked the inside of my thigh. I squeezed his hand lightly. Our kiss seemed to last an eternity...
»The heart may freeze - Or it can burn
The pain will ease - If I can learn
There is no future - There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us - There's only this
Forget regret - Or life is yours to miss
No other road - No other way
No day but today
There's only yes - Only tonight
We must let go - To know what's right
No other course - No other way
No day but today
I can't control - My destiny
I trust my soul - My only goal
Is just to be
There's only now - There's only here
Give in to love - Or live in fear
No other path - No other way
No day but today...«
Where chains will never bind you
All your grief
At last, at last behind you
Lord in Heaven
Look down on him in mercy
Forgive me all my trespasses
And take me to your glory
Take my hand
And lead me to salvation
Take my love
For love is everlasting
And remember
The truth that once was spoken
To love another person
Is to see the face of God …«
(From the musical "Les Miserables" by Alain Boublil and Claude-Michel Schönberg, the English text is by Herbert Kretzmer.)
"Swab, quick... oxygen and put in an IV line... Okay, that's it, off to the OR, we have to..."
Then I knew nothing anymore. Everything was dark... nothing... nothing at all... Where was I?... What's going on?... What's happening to me?... Was this all just a dream?...
When I came to later, everything was white. I don't remember exactly how long I had been lying there when a door opened somewhere. I couldn't tell where the creaking of the door was coming from because every movement hurt. My head felt as if an ICE train had just rushed over it. My right arm and foot ached, too. And my stomach felt as if someone had just kneaded it like dough. I heard a familiar voice talking. I couldn't understand any of it because the ICE train announced itself again with a loud honk. The two people who had just been standing next to me left, turned off the lights, and closed the door. I wanted to say something, because that way they wouldn't have to slam the door, but I was too weak. I closed my eyes, and then there was nothing again... just this silence... and darkness... Once again I came to, but there was only a steady beeping, nothing else... I fell asleep again...
At some point I was woken up. "Good morning, did you sleep well?"
"Yeah, what's wrong? Everything hurts."
Who was speaking to me, where was I? What happened? Or did I just have a bad dream?
"You're at St. Thomas Hospital, I'm Nurse Michaela. You've had an accident."
Now I could remember again. I was out skating when I suddenly felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I must have been distracted for a moment, because the nurse told me I had crashed into a car. Meanwhile, a doctor had also come over and tried to explain everything to me.
"Okay, but could you speak a little more quietly? My head hurts quite a bit."
"I believe you immediately. You have a severe concussion, your right arm and foot are broken, you have numerous scrapes and cuts, and we removed your appendix. But you were lucky; nothing much happened to you; things are a different story with the car. By the way, you have to stay here for about four weeks. I'm Dr. Weinmann."
Well, that's a rosy outlook. First my girlfriend breaks up with me, then the planned vacation falls through, and now I'm in the hospital in this wonderful weather.
"The cast will come off in two weeks, and then you'll get a walking cast, and then we'll see."
What was the point of getting upset? I had no other choice and I couldn't escape, at least not without help.
"You'll have something to eat later. First, we need to do a few tests, and you'll need to be fasting. Sebastian will be here soon and take you to the treatment room." And then he was gone.
Great, some stupid nurse will shove me there now, and then I'll have to undergo a whole bunch of tests. There was a knock on my door.
»Herein.«
"Good morning. I'm Sebastian, but you can call me Basti. What have you done? You don't look well at all."
So I told Basti that I was Marc and what had happened while he was pushing me to the elevator. Somehow, I told him more than I wanted to, because I'd only known him for a few minutes, and I don't usually tell such things to everyone, but he was somehow different. I told him about my girlfriend, how we were still happy, but also how we'd broken up. Actually, she had broken up with me because she'd met this great guy. Great guy? Or rather, he looked like one giant muscle, pumped up to the max, and then that name—Benedikt—just hearing it makes me go... This guy said he was really great. The day after Lisa (my girlfriend, well, ex-girlfriend) broke up with me, he came up to me at school and said:
"Finally, she has a real guy, not a wimp like you. She's so horny, she can't get enough of me."
"I was about to punch him, but I managed to control myself just in time, because otherwise I probably would have been here in the hospital sooner. So I just turned around and left. His words had hurt me, I didn't know why, but he was right; I wasn't what you'd call a dream man. I'm only 1.72 m tall, and my skin isn't exactly clear. My nose is too big in my opinion, and my hair lacks shine and is completely brittle. God hasn't been kind to me in other ways either; I have a hollow back, and that, at least visually, gives me a bit of a belly. Well, I'm not Adonis."
"Come on, don't make yourself look worse than you are. You seem like a nice guy and everything else. You look nice." He grinned at me.
"Thanks."
We were already outside the room, and Basti pushed me in. He was just about to leave when Dr. Weinmann called for Basti. He spoke to him briefly, but unfortunately, I couldn't understand anything because I'm naturally curious, and then Basti disappeared.
After an hour, all the examinations were completed and Basti came back in to pick me up and take me to my room.
"Be happy, I'll be your personal caregiver for the next few weeks."
"Aha, you look so young, are you even a nurse?"
"No, I'm doing my community service here, but I know what I have to do. My father is a doctor."
"Well, I hope you don't kill me."
"Don't worry, so far everyone has survived my treatment." He put on one of those inscrutable smiles again.
"This could be fun, with so many nurses here, and I'm getting a volunteer who doesn't know a thing or two."
"That's not entirely true, but that's not important right now. Are you hungry?" Another one of those grins.
By now, we'd returned to my room. Thank goodness I had a private room; the whining from other patients would have really gotten on my nerves. Having private insurance does have its advantages. And the hunger thing—I was ravenous, having not eaten anything in over 24 hours. Basti disappeared for a moment and then returned with a huge tray. It had everything you could dream of: muesli, sausage, Nutella, orange juice, and my beloved coffee.
"So, I wasn't sure what you liked, so I raided the kitchen and brought back a little bit of everything."
"Thanks, but since when does the hospital have such a wide selection?"
"Well, first of all, you're a private patient, and secondly, as I said, my father is a doctor and works here, so I have a few special privileges. Not that I have to work less, but I'm treated much more kindly than the other volunteers, and things like that."
"Well, there's something good about you looking after me."
"I told you so."
I took a big sip of coffee that Basti had made. Like me, he hates nothing more than bad coffee and had to explain to the nurses how to make good coffee. Basti made me some sandwiches, and I leisurely ate my long-awaited breakfast.
"So Basti, now that you've learned a lot about me, I want to know something about you too."
"What do you want to know?"
"Anything, really, but let's start with this: do you have a girlfriend?"
"Uh, mhh, why?" he stammered.
"Because you already found out that my girlfriend just broke up with me, and it's only fair that I know that from you too, right?"
"No, I don't have one, but I don't really want one either... At least not at the moment."
The hesitation before the last sentence made me suspicious, but I didn't want to go into it any further, and actually I wasn't particularly interested. We talked a bit more about this and that, and then I got tired. After Basti left, I turned over on my left side and slept a little. I dreamed about my ruined vacation. I was on a beach. The sun was just setting, and what startled me was that Basti was walking naked next to me. It was strange; what was he doing in my dream? I hardly knew him, and besides, I was into girls, but the sight of him still aroused me a little.
When I woke up again, Basti was sitting on a chair next to my bed. I was really happy to see him. Again, I had that strange feeling: what was wrong with me? But I couldn't think any further because he abruptly pulled me out of my thoughts.
"Hungry, do you want something to eat?"
»Gerne.«
Er ging los und kam mit etwas Undefinierbarem zurück, das aber gar nicht so schlecht war. Weiter passierte an diesem Abend nichts. Am nächsten Morgen sollte ich gewaschen werden, was mir natürlich nicht so ganz passte, denn zu so früher Stunde hatte ich immer ein gewisses Problem in Höhe der Hüften. Ich wollte mich wehren, aber da kam auch schon die Schwester und wollte mir die Decke wegziehen. Nachdem ich das mit einem schnellen Griff der gesunden Hand noch verhindern konnte, kam Basti in das Zimmer und fragt, was sie denn da machte?
»Ich soll den Patienten waschen.«
»Nein, das mache ich, ich soll mich um ihn kümmern, da gehört das auch dazu.«
»Aber ...«
»Nichts aber, oder soll ich erst zu Papa gehen und mich beschweren, dass du mich meinen Dienst nicht machen lässt?«
»Schon gut, ich gehe ja schon ...«
»Gut, also was ist, du bist ja immer noch da.«
»Schon weg und sei brav.« Dabei grinste sie ihn ganz frech an.
»Endlich ist meine nervige Schwester weg.«
"Seems to be a family business here?"
"Not quite, my mother works in an ophthalmology clinic."
"Okay, but the washing thing, is that really necessary?"
"Sure, what do you think?"
"Well, I have a problem," I said, quite embarrassed.
"If you mean what I think, I have it too, so there's nothing I don't know about it, so don't be so shy."
"What do you mean?" I asked him innocently.
"I'd say you have morning wood and you're afraid I'll react weirdly. But let's be honest, we're all young and hormones are a little freaky."
I think I turned red as a tomato because I had some experience with girls, but it never went to the extreme, and I had never really talked about it so openly with anyone. I was a bit old-fashioned in that respect.
Before I could react, Basti had thrown back the covers and taken off my hospital gown, the kind that always makes your bottom freeze.
»So, ab ins Bad.«
No sooner said than done, a short time later I was in the bathroom and he pulled down my boxer shorts. The problem had fortunately subsided somewhat by then, and I felt an unpleasant pressure on my bladder. After that problem was also resolved, Basti began to wash my back. It was a great feeling to finally feel water on my body again after almost 50 hours. One thing, however, gave me a headache: as Basti was washing my back, this inappropriate congestion returned. I didn't understand the world anymore. What was wrong with me? A strange boy touched me and I got hard. That can't be right. I grabbed a towel and tried as discreetly as possible to hide the obvious, but Basti had noticed long ago because I could see a nasty grin on his lips. Thank God he didn't say anything, because I was so embarrassed. What would he think of me? Probably something along the lines of, "Oh God, I have to wash a faggot," which I wasn't, but he would have definitely thought something like that. But he remained silent, and I was very glad about that, because I wouldn't have known what to answer him in that moment.
Nothing unusual happened for the next three weeks: sleeping, eating, washing every day, a few friends coming to visit, etc. After 22 days, my doctor said I could go home, and that the cast would be removed and my arm would be bandaged that same day. On the one hand, I was happy to finally be home and sleeping in my own bed, but on the other, my parents were away for two months and would be gone for another one. Just as I was trying to figure out how to handle the whole situation, Basti came over and wanted to say goodbye.
"Have you packed yet, or do you need help?"
"No, but I think I can manage on my own, but if you feel like it, you can keep me company."
"Sure, I'll do it." His eyes sparkled. "Oh, before you go, I want to tell you something I haven't been able to until now."
"Shoot."
"So, Marc, I don't know how to begin."
"That's a shame, then you'll probably..."
But he didn't let me finish. What he had to say seemed very important to him, but also difficult, so I decided to remain silent for the time being. He sat down on the bed next to me.
"Now, if you'll shut up, I'd like to say it, and I'll only do it once, so don't interrupt me."
He had such a serious tone, all the cheerfulness with which he had cheered me up over the last few weeks seemed to have suddenly disappeared.
"It's never been so hard for me to say this, and I don't want to lose you, because I think we've become something like friends over the past few weeks. But I have to tell you, because you should always be honest, and I wasn't completely honest. When you asked me back then if I had a girlfriend, I answered, not at the moment, but that was only partly true, because I don't really want one either."
He remained silent, so I took the opportunity to say something too.
"So you're gay?!"
»Yes.«
"Why are you so hesitant about it? Do you think that just because you like boys, I don't want to be friends with you anymore?"
"No, I didn't really think of you that way, but I have to say something else: I've fallen in love with a really sweet boy."
"That's great, what's his name?"
»Marc.«
"And what does he look like?" I was once again completely confused.
"Are you that obtuse or are you just pretending? I'm in love with you."
I didn't know what to say. On the one hand, I was flattered that someone had fallen in love with me, but on the other hand, it was new to hear that from a boy. I liked Basti too, but could I love him? Sure, there was something there, but I thought it was just my hormones going haywire. Basti must have noticed that I was thinking about something.
"What's wrong? If I offended you, I'm sorry, but I just wanted to be honest."
I tried to sort out all the chaos in my head, which everyone knows but which cannot be put into words, and to answer him.
"So, Basti, I think you're very nice. You've become a really good friend, and I like you more than my other friends, but I can't tell you whether I love you, not yet. I need to figure myself out first. Up until now, I've only had female friends, and I've never thought about anything else. Just give me a little more time, OK?"
"I'll give you as much time as you need, but please give me an answer sometime soon. I don't want to go through my whole life without hearing from you and always be in this uncertainty."
"As soon as I'm clear about it, I'll definitely give you an answer. I owe it to you after you've been so honest. But I don't know when."
"Thanks, can we still see each other until you decide?"
"Yes, but only if you promise not to harass me or attack me."
"I can reassure you, I still have myself under control."
"Okay, let's finish packing, I want to go home."
We quickly packed the rest of my things, which wasn't exactly a lot, and then Basti drove me home. We said our goodbyes and I went into the house. I couldn't get that afternoon out of my head. I tried to sort things out, but it was so difficult; I can't put it any other way, because what was going on inside me is indescribable. I turned on my computer to distract myself, but that didn't really work, so I looked around on various gay websites to see if I could find any help there. But I couldn't find the information I needed anywhere. The only thing I found was a link to a chat room. I met a really nice guy there. I told him what had happened to me and what I should do to find out whether I was gay or not. I still think about his answer often today. I don't remember the exact words, but I'll just try to paraphrase it.
'As far as I know, you're friends with him, but if you still think about him all the time and somehow want to be around him all the time, and if you're usually down but only happy and content around him, then I'd say you've fallen in love with him. But don't jump to conclusions just because you like him; really think about it carefully. And it doesn't matter who you love, the main thing is that you love.'
That's pretty much what this boy advised me back then. We talked a bit more generally about being gay and everything under the sun until I got tired and lay down to sleep.
I didn't contact Basti for the next few days, and he gave me time to come to terms with it. But I spent most of the day thinking about Basti; I even saw his face in my dreams. It became clearer and clearer to me, but I didn't want to admit it to myself, so I didn't dare call Basti. A week later, on a rainy day, the phone rang, and he was on the other end of the line.
"Hi how are you?"
"Thanks, well, if I lie down incorrectly or make a quick movement, it hurts, but otherwise I can hardly feel it anymore."
"I'm glad, if you'd like, we could do something together today."
"Let's see what you suggest."
"How about going to the cinema? There's supposed to be a great movie playing."
"Yes, well, when and where?"
"At half past five, in front of the cinema."
"Okay, I'm on time, see you then."
"Yes, see you later."
I hung up, glad to finally see him again. I'd really missed him, but luckily we were going to the movies, so at least I didn't have to talk to him as much. I wouldn't have known what to say to him and just wanted to be near him.
When I arrived at the cinema on time, Basti was already there. He looked very relieved, whether that was because I'd arrived at all or simply because I was there on time, I don't know. I was glad to finally see him again. He was standing in the red sunlight, and I don't know, but it became clear to me what I would soon have to say to him, but somehow I didn't dare. We greeted each other briefly and talked about what we'd been up to over the past few days, but he didn't ask if I'd decided anything yet, and I didn't say a word about it either.
We hadn't had a chance to talk very much before the movie started. Basti was sitting to my left, and as I was reaching into the bag of popcorn we had just bought, he must have had the same idea, because our hands met in the bag. It was like lightning struck me; I had never felt so good. Now I was absolutely certain I had fallen in love with him. He wanted to pull his hand away, but I held on tight and looked at him. I only saw his silhouette, but I could clearly see a smile on his lips. He slowly moved his head toward mine. I didn't move away, I just sat there motionless. His lips met mine, and I closed my eyes. He pulled his head back slightly, but when I followed him, he stopped his "retreat," and our lips met again. He opened his mouth, and his tongue asked for entry. I opened my mouth, too, and my tongue wandered into his. Still holding his hand, I put my other arm around his waist while he gently stroked the inside of my thigh. I squeezed his hand lightly. Our kiss seemed to last an eternity...
»The heart may freeze - Or it can burn
The pain will ease - If I can learn
There is no future - There is no past
I live this moment as my last
There's only us - There's only this
Forget regret - Or life is yours to miss
No other road - No other way
No day but today
There's only yes - Only tonight
We must let go - To know what's right
No other course - No other way
No day but today
I can't control - My destiny
I trust my soul - My only goal
Is just to be
There's only now - There's only here
Give in to love - Or live in fear
No other path - No other way
No day but today...«