07-11-2025, 06:41 PM
The Blue Angel
A true short story.
First, let me introduce myself. I'm Benny, born on August 26, 1977, near Munich. I knew I was gay quite early on (I think around 14). Of course, I promptly fell in love with my best friend (who hasn't experienced that?). However, I was lucky that Stephan seemed to like it.
However, we didn't see each other as friends in a relationship until we were 17 or 16. Stephan was a year younger than me and remained largely secretive until the end. My family found out after my father caught Stephan and me in the act. At first, my father (my mother died when I was 10) couldn't come to terms with the fact that his son was gay. But luckily, I had my stepmother on my side.
We got our own apartment in Anzing pretty soon after our apprenticeship. Of course, I still officially lived at home, so I had to constantly commute between Sauerlach and Anzing. We always had to hide all of my things when we had visitors so no one would notice... Well, at some point, against Stephan's wishes, I came out to our closest friends. There were no negative reactions, so I guess it must have been the right decision :-).
So we spent eight happy and unhappy years together. We experienced highs and incredibly low lows, and we got through it all together. We spent our holidays together in Italy, France, and Belgium, visiting cities that interested us. Even my father eventually accepted us and invited us to Sylt for his 50th birthday. It would be our last holiday together.
It just wasn't working anymore. You can't blame anyone for that, but I just wish the ending had been better.
On March 21, 2002, I was invited to a wedding in Austria. I assumed we would probably stay overnight, said goodbye to Stephan that evening, and assumed we'd be back around noon the next day.
But things turned out differently.
This crazy wedding ended at midnight. No buffet, nothing at all. So my work colleague and I headed back. He asked me if I wanted to call Stephan, but somehow I didn't want to. It was a feeling.
We arrived back in Anzing around two o'clock. I rang the bell, and Stephan came down to open the door for me. He never did that. After all, there are buzzers. He was quite surprised, of course, but not as surprised as I was when I found Ute (a colleague of Stephan's) in our bed (on my side!). Ute was married at the time, 39 years old, and had three children... After a lengthy discussion between Stephan and me, he finally woke her up and sent her home. She said goodbye to me, saying, "You can lie down, it's still warm..."
Stephan made up all sorts of excuses and didn't come clean until the next morning. But only after I'd texted Ute. He'd been cheating on me with Ute since December... When Ute came over to talk to me, Stephan went to do the dishes! Incidentally, he hasn't had a clear conversation with me to this day. In any case, it wasn't until the next day that I was able to call home and have him pick me up, because I didn't want to drive myself, especially for safety reasons.
So I moved back into my parents' house in Sauerlach. Ute and the three children moved into our two-room apartment the very next day. I can honestly say that I've never felt worse than I did on those days. Stephan and I haven't had any contact to this day, although I can now say that I'd like to meet up with him again. After all, we spent our lives together from the ages of 4 to 25.
I got involved with Stephanie shortly after we broke up, but that's only a minor part of the discussion here.
After I didn't get along particularly well at home with my stepmother and father and also started drinking far too much, I moved to Rosenheim. Of course, this was also due to the otherwise very long commute to work in Bruckmühl. There, I found a bit of stability again, but I missed my friends, so I took on a part-time job at a nightclub to keep myself busy. I soon realized that I couldn't be happy with Steffi and ended the relationship. We've become very good friends since then. But I was so preoccupied with myself during this time (I even had a nervous breakdown, and that at my age!) that I neglected my job, which also led to me having to go back to my old company in Waldkraiburg. I was lucky enough to make it seem like I still had a stable job and was therefore able to improve my salary considerably.
At first, I took part in everything Waldkraiburg had to offer. I even started acting in the theater and making friends online on Gayromeo. I just tried to live life again and clear my head. I did meet a nice guy once or twice. But the fact that Stephan had lied to me and cheated on me for so long after eight years still stuck with me.
I was afraid of getting hurt again.
For example, I had real panic attacks and a fear of physical contact with Chris, whom I also met online. I slept with him for the first time in two years, with butterflies in my stomach. Anyway, I kicked Chris out after our night together. Afterward, I apologized and repeated the whole thing two more times. Of course, he never contacted me again after that. As far as I know, he still lives in Freising and has a steady boyfriend.
After this experience, I began to accept the idea that I would probably never find a boyfriend or be able to build trust. So I continued living in Waldkraiburg with my heterosexual clique, went to parties, drank too much there, devoted myself to my job, and continued acting. In said theater, I got to know our leading actor better and better, and eventually he contacted me on Gayromeo. I was completely shocked because I had suspected it, but I wasn't sure if he was gay. Anyway, Bernd started taking me into the scene again and again. Gay tent at the Schützenfest, Schwip party, pavilion. I knew about the scene because I had gone there with Stephan from time to time, but it had never interested us because we had already found each other, and we had enough parties in our village.
I enjoyed the scene from the beginning; I had found myself again. I was who I wanted to be again, and I actually got to know a few people. But approaching someone? Impossible; I was far too shy.
Then came the day that I would not soon forget and which this story is actually about.
On November 27, 2004, the "MIL" party was in Munich. Bernd was driving that evening, and we stood around for a bit. At some point, we ended up at the bar. The free drink was Pernod, which I drank with passion fruit juice for the first time there. It tasted really good. With Bernd, it's usually the case that he knows tons of people, and I can't usually remember all their names anyway. Anyway, we were standing at the bar when someone jumped up to Bernd and hugged him. If I'm not mistaken, his name was Heiko; he wasn't introduced to me, anyway. Heiko wasn't alone either; he was accompanied by a man with incredible charisma and a smile that made hearts race. Bernd and Heiko chatted, and his companion stood next to me. I'm not usually the shyest person, but the two of them didn't think it necessary to introduce us. And I don't think I managed more than "Hi" at first. Then an older lady and a slightly older gentleman trotted past us, and Heiko's companion and I looked at each other questioningly, and I said something like, "Is this a silver wedding anniversary, or what?" And then he actually had to laugh and said something (I can't remember what, unfortunately).
...he also had an incredibly beautiful voice...
I never believed in love at first sight. I always said that you have to get to know each other before you can talk about something like love. But I can say with a clear conscience that I felt a large amount of infatuation. Heiko said goodbye to Bernd, and the two went dancing. Of course, I immediately grilled Bernd about who he was and whether the two were together. I bombarded him with questions, none of which he unfortunately could answer. All he knew was that Heiko's friend was called Ruben, that the two weren't together, and that Heiko had a friend in *I'm not really interested either*.
Ruben spent a lot of time on the dance floor that evening, where I really only go in extreme emergencies. Every now and then, he looked over at me and smiled. At some point, I told Bernd he could wipe me away because I was melting... After a while, Ruben was back at "our" bar. I wanted to go over to him, but I moved so slowly that a few more guys pushed themselves between us. Bernd found it incredibly funny watching me with my incredibly stupid advances...
Then Ruben was back on the dance floor. Bernd and I went for another round, and I finally got a chance to smoke. I hadn't done that because I'd seen Ruben didn't have a pack in his pocket. And since I'm only an occasional smoker anyway, I obviously don't smoke around non-smokers. When we got back to our starting point, Ruben was standing alone at the edge of the dance floor, and I thought, 'Now or never.' But my legs wouldn't budge. It was a real battle with myself, and suddenly I was standing next to him. Nervous and sweating. And what was the first thing that came to mind? "So, are you done dancing?" I've really been better, believe me. So, this conversation got off to a slow start, but after a while, it got going. He commented on my T-shirt (a red "Bielefeld" T-shirt by Ingo Oschmann) and we talked about jobs and things like that. I glanced over at Bernd every now and then, and he looked like he was about to fall asleep right there on the pillar. I said something to Ruben like, "Bernd's falling asleep right here, I think we need to go." Ruben looked at his watch, and I quickly held mine up next to it. We wore the same watches (Fossil Blue). Well, the man had good taste. Ruben also wanted to leave, and I quickly asked him how I could reach him. He then gave me his address on Gayromeo. As I walked toward Bernd, he briefly stroked my back, which immediately gave me goosebumps. He got his jacket and glanced over at us as he left the party, smiling at me.
Bernd and I left about half an hour later. On the way back, we listened to A-Ha, and I talked about nothing but Ruben. Then it occurred to me that he probably didn't even know my name, because I hadn't introduced myself, and I knew his from Bernd.
On November 29th at 11:21 p.m., I messaged Ruben for the first time on Gayromeo. Of course, the first thing we did was compare watches. We exchanged friendly emails and finally arranged to meet on December 12th to stroll around the Christmas market.
We arranged to meet at 4:30 p.m. in front of the main entrance of the ChinemaxX. In my excitement, I naturally waited at the wrong ChinemaxX and then sent a text message at 4:32 p.m. He called back right away and then picked me up at the other ChinemaxX.
That started off well.
But we both had a lot to talk about, since we had both stayed up all night and had roughly the same size dark circles under our eyes. We strolled through the five Christmas markets and he bought me a hot chocolate. I didn't see much of the markets and I didn't really pay any attention to the stalls. Just Ruben. We were rarely silent that evening; we were always talking about something and it was incredibly exciting. When we got to the end of the markets, he asked me if we wanted to go out for something to eat. My little heart leapt for joy. Of course I did. I couldn't have cared less about beef testicles or beef steak as long as he was with me. We then went to a bistro near the pavilion and I was finally able to take a look at Ruben in peace.
He looked great (despite the circles around his blue eyes). It was the first time I'd seen him in daylight. Brown corduroy pants, brown/black shoes, a black turtleneck sweater, and a dark jacket. His blond hair was cheekily gelled up in the front, and the rest was straight. His lip was a little too small, but he looked super cute. He had an equally cute crooked tooth on the right side and beautiful eyebrows, which I think were also plucked. A small, cute bump on his nose. A well-groomed blond mustache, but it was hardly noticeable. Very beautiful, somewhat bony but well-groomed hands. Short fingernails. Lightly hairy forearms. Not an ounce of fat, a very athletic appearance, unlike me... We often looked deep into each other's eyes, and I was smitten. I didn't even care when the waiter brought mozzarella sticks instead of a mozzarella salad. I couldn't use a knife and fork without hurting myself anymore anyway, and I certainly wasn't hungry. Then came the moment to say goodbye. I paid for the drinks and food, each of us separately. He walked me to my car, and we hugged goodbye.
As I drove off, I cried. I hadn't imagined the day would be so beautiful. At the very first roundabout, I almost crashed into the first car I saw.
From then on, I neglected everything again. I had already quit my job (on November 27th!!!) because I wanted to start in Geretsried on February 1st, 2005. So the problem was solved. I was just pestering my friends about one thing, and I had no idea what to do next. I was still afraid that I might get those fears again.
So we continued to write to each other on Gayromeo and texted each other regularly.
We had already realized that we probably wouldn't be able to see each other before December 26th, as he was always on the go and studying alongside his work. He only has Wednesdays and weekends available, so I had to resort to a trick and called him in the evening. I told him I had to drive a friend to the train station in Munich and asked if he'd like to meet up for a bit.
He had time, so we met and went to the "Blue Lion" to enjoy a cocktail or tea. I don't know if he noticed that I'd lied, but it's a sweet lie and that has to be allowed sometimes, right? It was just like the first time. We had a lot to talk about and I felt like flying in the air, even though I was at the train station. His voice was better than the music, better than any music. His laugh. His aura. His humor and charm. His blue eyes. Yes, I was in love. Only then did I admit it to myself. Not infatuation or flights of fancy that quickly went downhill again. No, I was in love!
That evening, I burst into tears again on the highway. I called Peter and told him what it was like, until I had to stop. But I wasn't sad. They were tears of joy! I wonder if Ruben felt the same way?
I decided to tell him how I felt about him on December 26th. That day was another "MIL" party. On December 25th, we met online on Gayromeo, where he promptly told me that he'd been drunk on Christmas Eve and had spent the night at Daniel's.
Hello?
I've never been as nervous in front of my computer as I was after that email. But thankfully, it turned out to be a false alarm. Daniel was just a friend. In the subsequent emails, I learned that he still had things to sort out regarding a previous relationship and wasn't interested in a relationship at the moment. Hmm. He really took the wind out of my sails. But I figured I had time. Above all, though, I was curious to get to know Ruben better. After all, we hadn't really spoken that deeply yet. So I postponed my confession for a while.
On December 26th, we met in his apartment, which he had decorated very comfortably. He had lit two lava lamps and candles. And another floor lamp, with a yellow napkin or something over it to dim it and reduce the risk of fire... I sat down in the armchair, which annoyed me the next second. A sofa would offer more options. But I immediately thought of the saying I had in our company's Advent calendar: "He who acts carefully achieves what he strives for." But thinking isn't really my strong suit in situations like this. Besides, 10 minutes after I arrived, a good friend of his stormed into the apartment. She had somehow left her keys somewhere and had wanted to spend the night at Ruben's. Sabrina reminded me quite strongly of my friend Ulrike: loud, fast, and sometimes you just can't keep up.
Another thing we have in common.
We went to the MIL party about half an hour after Sabrina showed up. Of course, there wasn't enough time to explain anything, but we still had a lot of fun. Besides, I wanted to wait until I knew what he still needed to clarify. I've never been able to say exactly what we were talking about; we just joked around and had fun. Then Bernd joined us, who of course protested vehemently the day before when I told him I couldn't take him because I wanted to go to Ruben's first. Bernd was also a protester that evening. We spent most of the time buying rounds, and Bernd said I didn't even look him in the eye when we toasted, but then he wasn't wearing a red shirt either. Ruben was wearing one... So if Bernd noticed that so clearly, then Ruben must have noticed something.
Then someone came along who seemed to want to spoil my evening a little. Lutz. My God, there couldn't have been any more clumsy come-ons. He seemed to have every available excavator in the Munich area with him and was using them on Ruben. I eventually got fed up with it, and I went back to Bernd. Ruben followed after a while, with Lutz in tow, of course. The guy was as sticky as eagle eye, and my mood sank. Bernd kept cheering me up, and thank God Ruben wanted to leave soon, too. Lutz came with me, of course. I didn't say a thing the entire way back.
1. I had huge blisters on my heels because I'd worn my new shoes from Christmas, which hadn't been broken in yet. 2. When I mentioned it, because Ruben was asking how my feet were, our Lutz started ranting about it. I could hardly stop laughing...
Well, I recovered when Lutz had to turn off and Ruben said, "Let's chalk this up to 'interesting evening.'"
I agreed to that.
We said goodbye at his front door and hugged each other. I could have stood there with him for hours. But he wanted to sleep, so I got in my car, put in the Rosenstolz CD, and drove off. This time I started crying even sooner, but that was also due to the now-open blisters. That evening, I didn't think it was so bad to let him go. I knew he would be coming to me in Waldkraiburg in three days.
I spent those three days tidying up, cleaning, shopping, and getting a tablecloth (my first in my life). I had planned to go to the castle ruins because he had once told me that he was just as interested in castles as I was. The monastery forest is very beautiful and very peaceful. I had bought mulled wine—two bottles, of course, to test the first one—and amaretto biscuits. Of course, I also had a tarp and a large towel with me, because the bench by the castle was wet. As we were sitting there, I eventually asked about the body in his cellar. And then, of course, he told me exactly what I didn't want to hear. He was actually still in a committed relationship, but he wasn't sure himself. He wanted to sort things out at the moment and, for that very reason, wasn't ready for something new. I could understand that very well myself.
So I dug my two corpses (Stephan and Steffi) out of my basement and told him a little more about myself, but of course, I left my actual thoughts out of it. The mulled wine was gone, and we drove back to Waldkraiburg. We sat at my place for a while and chatted. He then drove back to Munich around 6:30, and I was at my wit's end again. This couldn't go on. But wouldn't I scare him off if I came clean now? My thoughts were going in circles.
Then, like most people, we were preoccupied with New Year's Eve and so on. We arranged to meet at his place on January 5th. I was at my new job for the first time that week and had actually booked a hotel for that week through my company. But I was only too happy to skip Wednesday to meet up with Ruben. When I arrived at his place at 6:30 a.m., I immediately noticed that something was wrong with him. His ex had finally gotten in touch, and Ruben wanted to call back, but not right away and was totally nervous. I suggested he go back if he'd rather be alone, but I should stay. Over time, I was probably becoming just as nervous as Ruben and didn't really know what to say. I tried to remain as neutral as possible. I didn't know his ex, nor did I know all the rather confusing circumstances. At his suggestion, we went to a bar in Munich and had a drink. The atmosphere became quite relaxed, and he seemed more at ease. Shortly before midnight, we headed back. On the way back, Ruben became really depressed, and I was really afraid to leave him alone. We hugged and he went upstairs. I drove back to Waldkraiburg, where I spent a rather sleepless night.
He hadn't been able to reach his ex again.
In the following weeks, I spent most of my time moving to Geretsried. We didn't see each other again until January 30, 2005. He arrived in Geretsried by train at 2:30 p.m. I picked him up from the station, and we went to my place. I have to admit, I was still pretty tired from the day before, but I tried not to let it show. A short time later, we both drove into town for a drink and to see the city. I have a very poor sense of direction, so Ruben actually showed me the city, which he jokingly rubbed in my face a few times. It was another great afternoon, and we drove back around 5 p.m. He sat in front of the heater with me most of the time because it was freezing cold. But I still felt warm inside. I had even bought some carrot stew from my grandma to eat. It's really delicious, and I knew he liked stew. This evening, too, flew by, and then he had to leave. I took him back to the train station, and when I returned, everything was as usual. I sat for a while by the river that flowed nearby and then went home. I was really looking forward to February 4th. It was supposed to be my housewarming party in Geretsried. Ruben had already agreed to come.
After a brief mental turmoil, I had him put up in my bedroom. I had two other overnight guests who were supposed to sleep on the sofas in the living room. All day at work, I thought about nothing else.
Should I tell him that I couldn't get him out of my head, that I was constantly thinking about him and worried whenever he went somewhere? That I felt incredibly comfortable around him? Should I even tell him? It would be terrible to lose his wonderful closeness just because I talked too much again and he just wasn't ready. On the other hand, didn't we flirt all the time? Didn't he perhaps think the same thing? There was somehow none of that superficiality between us that I was used to. Didn't we belong together?
Sometimes I was rudely interrupted by calls from customers, but somehow I got through the day and managed to get everything done at home.
Ruben was, of course, on time, as always. He brought me an aroma lamp as a housewarming gift. The party didn't really get going. It wasn't until we'd been out and about in Geretsried for a while that things got fun. I spent most of it with Ruben, of course. I had actually planned to keep quiet for the rest of the weekend. The party ended pretty badly in my apartment because the bus wasn't running in Geretsried, and we had to take a taxi. On top of that, the mood was kind of down. At some point, we finally managed to go to bed, which I'd been waiting for. I had a little surprise for Ruben. When we were at the CHAU in Bielefeld, he told me he absolutely wanted a key chain like the one the waitress had. I just replied that I'd take care of it. Then I chatted up the waitress so much that she had no choice but to give me one. So I invited her to dinner. Of course, I put the lanyard in my pocket to wait for the right moment.
I waited until he was in his sleeping bag, then fished the ribbon out of my pocket, lay down next to him, and let it dangle over his face, then fall onto his chest. That would have been a reason to turn to me and hug me, right? But nothing happened. He thanked me very sweetly, and that was it. Could I have been mistaken?
I don't know how he managed it, but at some point he fell asleep. I stared at him almost the entire time. Eventually, I fell asleep, too.
When I woke up, his blue eyes were looking at me. I placed my hand on his cheek and stroked the right corner of his mouth with my thumb. He made a quick, mock-biting motion, gently removed my hand, slid toward me with his sleeping bag, and gently kissed me on the mouth. I placed my hand on the back of his head and held it tight. As we began to kiss with tongue, tears welled up in my eyes.
I woke up. It was just a dream. Except for the tears. Ruben was lying with his back to me, curled up in his sleeping bag, asleep. I had to tell him. I was already close to waking him up and telling him how I felt.
At some point, he woke up too. We lay in bed for a while, our stomachs rumbling in competition with each other. We really only talked about the evening and our stomachs. He said that rumbling like that could sometimes feel really nice. Then I thought I could somehow turn things around and said that it was something different than grumbling. "But for me, at most 0.1%," Ruben replied. I was stuck on that for a while. It wasn't a great prospect. Somehow I stammered my way to where I wanted to go, and then he finally completed me. It ended with the sentences: "I have a really bad time gauging you and I don't know where I stand with you." "You mean the 0.1%?" "Yes." He was silent.
I pressed him, and he said that silence is sometimes the answer. It was just the wrong time. He was happy with the way things were. He also noticed that I wanted more, and he didn't know what would happen someday.
Shouldn't I have expected this, given what I knew about him?
Outwardly, I remained completely calm, but inside I was already completely agitated. I wished so much that he would just hold me in his arms and cuddle me for a bit. Instead, I said, "Raider is now called Twix, nothing else will change. I hope not for us either?" "No, what would change?" Sometimes I just can't find the right words, but I was still happy. I told him how much he meant to me. At least I tried.
His beautiful eyes did not look at me during the conversation.
We chatted a bit more and soon got up. My other two guests left shortly after, and Ruben and I decided to go get breakfast. I tried not to let it show, because this time I was even more afraid of letting him go. On the other hand, I was totally happy he was still there. I was torn.
After breakfast, we walked briefly through the city and then to his car. I asked him if he was free the next week, but he didn't know yet. "We'll talk on the phone." He hugged me, and I immediately felt safe again, yet sad at the same time. What would happen next?
Ruben got into his car and I walked into the small side street. I kept turning back and looking after him. He honked twice, and I gave him a quick wave.
I was alone again.
Sadly, I went home and began writing this story. I kept having to stop, and in the evening I lay down on my sofa. I didn't want to go into the bedroom.
I didn't go to bed until 6:30 in the morning. There lay my little yellow Tamagotchi pillow, the one Ruben had slept on. I took it in my arms and cuddled with the pillow like I always did.
It still smelled a little bit like Ruben...
END
Epilogue:
for Ruben
Wouldn't it be wonderful to wake up one morning, awakened by the sun's rays, and see the person you truly love standing next to you. The person who managed to turn initial infatuation into love. The person you wouldn't want to be without, no matter what?
I was able to experience this feeling again. Half a year ago, I wouldn't have believed anyone could get me this far again. You did it, and I'm grateful for that. Even though this story doesn't have a happy ending (yet), it's wonderful to have met you.
A true short story.
First, let me introduce myself. I'm Benny, born on August 26, 1977, near Munich. I knew I was gay quite early on (I think around 14). Of course, I promptly fell in love with my best friend (who hasn't experienced that?). However, I was lucky that Stephan seemed to like it.
However, we didn't see each other as friends in a relationship until we were 17 or 16. Stephan was a year younger than me and remained largely secretive until the end. My family found out after my father caught Stephan and me in the act. At first, my father (my mother died when I was 10) couldn't come to terms with the fact that his son was gay. But luckily, I had my stepmother on my side.
We got our own apartment in Anzing pretty soon after our apprenticeship. Of course, I still officially lived at home, so I had to constantly commute between Sauerlach and Anzing. We always had to hide all of my things when we had visitors so no one would notice... Well, at some point, against Stephan's wishes, I came out to our closest friends. There were no negative reactions, so I guess it must have been the right decision :-).
So we spent eight happy and unhappy years together. We experienced highs and incredibly low lows, and we got through it all together. We spent our holidays together in Italy, France, and Belgium, visiting cities that interested us. Even my father eventually accepted us and invited us to Sylt for his 50th birthday. It would be our last holiday together.
It just wasn't working anymore. You can't blame anyone for that, but I just wish the ending had been better.
On March 21, 2002, I was invited to a wedding in Austria. I assumed we would probably stay overnight, said goodbye to Stephan that evening, and assumed we'd be back around noon the next day.
But things turned out differently.
This crazy wedding ended at midnight. No buffet, nothing at all. So my work colleague and I headed back. He asked me if I wanted to call Stephan, but somehow I didn't want to. It was a feeling.
We arrived back in Anzing around two o'clock. I rang the bell, and Stephan came down to open the door for me. He never did that. After all, there are buzzers. He was quite surprised, of course, but not as surprised as I was when I found Ute (a colleague of Stephan's) in our bed (on my side!). Ute was married at the time, 39 years old, and had three children... After a lengthy discussion between Stephan and me, he finally woke her up and sent her home. She said goodbye to me, saying, "You can lie down, it's still warm..."
Stephan made up all sorts of excuses and didn't come clean until the next morning. But only after I'd texted Ute. He'd been cheating on me with Ute since December... When Ute came over to talk to me, Stephan went to do the dishes! Incidentally, he hasn't had a clear conversation with me to this day. In any case, it wasn't until the next day that I was able to call home and have him pick me up, because I didn't want to drive myself, especially for safety reasons.
So I moved back into my parents' house in Sauerlach. Ute and the three children moved into our two-room apartment the very next day. I can honestly say that I've never felt worse than I did on those days. Stephan and I haven't had any contact to this day, although I can now say that I'd like to meet up with him again. After all, we spent our lives together from the ages of 4 to 25.
I got involved with Stephanie shortly after we broke up, but that's only a minor part of the discussion here.
After I didn't get along particularly well at home with my stepmother and father and also started drinking far too much, I moved to Rosenheim. Of course, this was also due to the otherwise very long commute to work in Bruckmühl. There, I found a bit of stability again, but I missed my friends, so I took on a part-time job at a nightclub to keep myself busy. I soon realized that I couldn't be happy with Steffi and ended the relationship. We've become very good friends since then. But I was so preoccupied with myself during this time (I even had a nervous breakdown, and that at my age!) that I neglected my job, which also led to me having to go back to my old company in Waldkraiburg. I was lucky enough to make it seem like I still had a stable job and was therefore able to improve my salary considerably.
At first, I took part in everything Waldkraiburg had to offer. I even started acting in the theater and making friends online on Gayromeo. I just tried to live life again and clear my head. I did meet a nice guy once or twice. But the fact that Stephan had lied to me and cheated on me for so long after eight years still stuck with me.
I was afraid of getting hurt again.
For example, I had real panic attacks and a fear of physical contact with Chris, whom I also met online. I slept with him for the first time in two years, with butterflies in my stomach. Anyway, I kicked Chris out after our night together. Afterward, I apologized and repeated the whole thing two more times. Of course, he never contacted me again after that. As far as I know, he still lives in Freising and has a steady boyfriend.
After this experience, I began to accept the idea that I would probably never find a boyfriend or be able to build trust. So I continued living in Waldkraiburg with my heterosexual clique, went to parties, drank too much there, devoted myself to my job, and continued acting. In said theater, I got to know our leading actor better and better, and eventually he contacted me on Gayromeo. I was completely shocked because I had suspected it, but I wasn't sure if he was gay. Anyway, Bernd started taking me into the scene again and again. Gay tent at the Schützenfest, Schwip party, pavilion. I knew about the scene because I had gone there with Stephan from time to time, but it had never interested us because we had already found each other, and we had enough parties in our village.
I enjoyed the scene from the beginning; I had found myself again. I was who I wanted to be again, and I actually got to know a few people. But approaching someone? Impossible; I was far too shy.
Then came the day that I would not soon forget and which this story is actually about.
On November 27, 2004, the "MIL" party was in Munich. Bernd was driving that evening, and we stood around for a bit. At some point, we ended up at the bar. The free drink was Pernod, which I drank with passion fruit juice for the first time there. It tasted really good. With Bernd, it's usually the case that he knows tons of people, and I can't usually remember all their names anyway. Anyway, we were standing at the bar when someone jumped up to Bernd and hugged him. If I'm not mistaken, his name was Heiko; he wasn't introduced to me, anyway. Heiko wasn't alone either; he was accompanied by a man with incredible charisma and a smile that made hearts race. Bernd and Heiko chatted, and his companion stood next to me. I'm not usually the shyest person, but the two of them didn't think it necessary to introduce us. And I don't think I managed more than "Hi" at first. Then an older lady and a slightly older gentleman trotted past us, and Heiko's companion and I looked at each other questioningly, and I said something like, "Is this a silver wedding anniversary, or what?" And then he actually had to laugh and said something (I can't remember what, unfortunately).
...he also had an incredibly beautiful voice...
I never believed in love at first sight. I always said that you have to get to know each other before you can talk about something like love. But I can say with a clear conscience that I felt a large amount of infatuation. Heiko said goodbye to Bernd, and the two went dancing. Of course, I immediately grilled Bernd about who he was and whether the two were together. I bombarded him with questions, none of which he unfortunately could answer. All he knew was that Heiko's friend was called Ruben, that the two weren't together, and that Heiko had a friend in *I'm not really interested either*.
Ruben spent a lot of time on the dance floor that evening, where I really only go in extreme emergencies. Every now and then, he looked over at me and smiled. At some point, I told Bernd he could wipe me away because I was melting... After a while, Ruben was back at "our" bar. I wanted to go over to him, but I moved so slowly that a few more guys pushed themselves between us. Bernd found it incredibly funny watching me with my incredibly stupid advances...
Then Ruben was back on the dance floor. Bernd and I went for another round, and I finally got a chance to smoke. I hadn't done that because I'd seen Ruben didn't have a pack in his pocket. And since I'm only an occasional smoker anyway, I obviously don't smoke around non-smokers. When we got back to our starting point, Ruben was standing alone at the edge of the dance floor, and I thought, 'Now or never.' But my legs wouldn't budge. It was a real battle with myself, and suddenly I was standing next to him. Nervous and sweating. And what was the first thing that came to mind? "So, are you done dancing?" I've really been better, believe me. So, this conversation got off to a slow start, but after a while, it got going. He commented on my T-shirt (a red "Bielefeld" T-shirt by Ingo Oschmann) and we talked about jobs and things like that. I glanced over at Bernd every now and then, and he looked like he was about to fall asleep right there on the pillar. I said something to Ruben like, "Bernd's falling asleep right here, I think we need to go." Ruben looked at his watch, and I quickly held mine up next to it. We wore the same watches (Fossil Blue). Well, the man had good taste. Ruben also wanted to leave, and I quickly asked him how I could reach him. He then gave me his address on Gayromeo. As I walked toward Bernd, he briefly stroked my back, which immediately gave me goosebumps. He got his jacket and glanced over at us as he left the party, smiling at me.
Bernd and I left about half an hour later. On the way back, we listened to A-Ha, and I talked about nothing but Ruben. Then it occurred to me that he probably didn't even know my name, because I hadn't introduced myself, and I knew his from Bernd.
On November 29th at 11:21 p.m., I messaged Ruben for the first time on Gayromeo. Of course, the first thing we did was compare watches. We exchanged friendly emails and finally arranged to meet on December 12th to stroll around the Christmas market.
We arranged to meet at 4:30 p.m. in front of the main entrance of the ChinemaxX. In my excitement, I naturally waited at the wrong ChinemaxX and then sent a text message at 4:32 p.m. He called back right away and then picked me up at the other ChinemaxX.
That started off well.
But we both had a lot to talk about, since we had both stayed up all night and had roughly the same size dark circles under our eyes. We strolled through the five Christmas markets and he bought me a hot chocolate. I didn't see much of the markets and I didn't really pay any attention to the stalls. Just Ruben. We were rarely silent that evening; we were always talking about something and it was incredibly exciting. When we got to the end of the markets, he asked me if we wanted to go out for something to eat. My little heart leapt for joy. Of course I did. I couldn't have cared less about beef testicles or beef steak as long as he was with me. We then went to a bistro near the pavilion and I was finally able to take a look at Ruben in peace.
He looked great (despite the circles around his blue eyes). It was the first time I'd seen him in daylight. Brown corduroy pants, brown/black shoes, a black turtleneck sweater, and a dark jacket. His blond hair was cheekily gelled up in the front, and the rest was straight. His lip was a little too small, but he looked super cute. He had an equally cute crooked tooth on the right side and beautiful eyebrows, which I think were also plucked. A small, cute bump on his nose. A well-groomed blond mustache, but it was hardly noticeable. Very beautiful, somewhat bony but well-groomed hands. Short fingernails. Lightly hairy forearms. Not an ounce of fat, a very athletic appearance, unlike me... We often looked deep into each other's eyes, and I was smitten. I didn't even care when the waiter brought mozzarella sticks instead of a mozzarella salad. I couldn't use a knife and fork without hurting myself anymore anyway, and I certainly wasn't hungry. Then came the moment to say goodbye. I paid for the drinks and food, each of us separately. He walked me to my car, and we hugged goodbye.
As I drove off, I cried. I hadn't imagined the day would be so beautiful. At the very first roundabout, I almost crashed into the first car I saw.
From then on, I neglected everything again. I had already quit my job (on November 27th!!!) because I wanted to start in Geretsried on February 1st, 2005. So the problem was solved. I was just pestering my friends about one thing, and I had no idea what to do next. I was still afraid that I might get those fears again.
So we continued to write to each other on Gayromeo and texted each other regularly.
We had already realized that we probably wouldn't be able to see each other before December 26th, as he was always on the go and studying alongside his work. He only has Wednesdays and weekends available, so I had to resort to a trick and called him in the evening. I told him I had to drive a friend to the train station in Munich and asked if he'd like to meet up for a bit.
He had time, so we met and went to the "Blue Lion" to enjoy a cocktail or tea. I don't know if he noticed that I'd lied, but it's a sweet lie and that has to be allowed sometimes, right? It was just like the first time. We had a lot to talk about and I felt like flying in the air, even though I was at the train station. His voice was better than the music, better than any music. His laugh. His aura. His humor and charm. His blue eyes. Yes, I was in love. Only then did I admit it to myself. Not infatuation or flights of fancy that quickly went downhill again. No, I was in love!
That evening, I burst into tears again on the highway. I called Peter and told him what it was like, until I had to stop. But I wasn't sad. They were tears of joy! I wonder if Ruben felt the same way?
I decided to tell him how I felt about him on December 26th. That day was another "MIL" party. On December 25th, we met online on Gayromeo, where he promptly told me that he'd been drunk on Christmas Eve and had spent the night at Daniel's.
Hello?
I've never been as nervous in front of my computer as I was after that email. But thankfully, it turned out to be a false alarm. Daniel was just a friend. In the subsequent emails, I learned that he still had things to sort out regarding a previous relationship and wasn't interested in a relationship at the moment. Hmm. He really took the wind out of my sails. But I figured I had time. Above all, though, I was curious to get to know Ruben better. After all, we hadn't really spoken that deeply yet. So I postponed my confession for a while.
On December 26th, we met in his apartment, which he had decorated very comfortably. He had lit two lava lamps and candles. And another floor lamp, with a yellow napkin or something over it to dim it and reduce the risk of fire... I sat down in the armchair, which annoyed me the next second. A sofa would offer more options. But I immediately thought of the saying I had in our company's Advent calendar: "He who acts carefully achieves what he strives for." But thinking isn't really my strong suit in situations like this. Besides, 10 minutes after I arrived, a good friend of his stormed into the apartment. She had somehow left her keys somewhere and had wanted to spend the night at Ruben's. Sabrina reminded me quite strongly of my friend Ulrike: loud, fast, and sometimes you just can't keep up.
Another thing we have in common.
We went to the MIL party about half an hour after Sabrina showed up. Of course, there wasn't enough time to explain anything, but we still had a lot of fun. Besides, I wanted to wait until I knew what he still needed to clarify. I've never been able to say exactly what we were talking about; we just joked around and had fun. Then Bernd joined us, who of course protested vehemently the day before when I told him I couldn't take him because I wanted to go to Ruben's first. Bernd was also a protester that evening. We spent most of the time buying rounds, and Bernd said I didn't even look him in the eye when we toasted, but then he wasn't wearing a red shirt either. Ruben was wearing one... So if Bernd noticed that so clearly, then Ruben must have noticed something.
Then someone came along who seemed to want to spoil my evening a little. Lutz. My God, there couldn't have been any more clumsy come-ons. He seemed to have every available excavator in the Munich area with him and was using them on Ruben. I eventually got fed up with it, and I went back to Bernd. Ruben followed after a while, with Lutz in tow, of course. The guy was as sticky as eagle eye, and my mood sank. Bernd kept cheering me up, and thank God Ruben wanted to leave soon, too. Lutz came with me, of course. I didn't say a thing the entire way back.
1. I had huge blisters on my heels because I'd worn my new shoes from Christmas, which hadn't been broken in yet. 2. When I mentioned it, because Ruben was asking how my feet were, our Lutz started ranting about it. I could hardly stop laughing...
Well, I recovered when Lutz had to turn off and Ruben said, "Let's chalk this up to 'interesting evening.'"
I agreed to that.
We said goodbye at his front door and hugged each other. I could have stood there with him for hours. But he wanted to sleep, so I got in my car, put in the Rosenstolz CD, and drove off. This time I started crying even sooner, but that was also due to the now-open blisters. That evening, I didn't think it was so bad to let him go. I knew he would be coming to me in Waldkraiburg in three days.
I spent those three days tidying up, cleaning, shopping, and getting a tablecloth (my first in my life). I had planned to go to the castle ruins because he had once told me that he was just as interested in castles as I was. The monastery forest is very beautiful and very peaceful. I had bought mulled wine—two bottles, of course, to test the first one—and amaretto biscuits. Of course, I also had a tarp and a large towel with me, because the bench by the castle was wet. As we were sitting there, I eventually asked about the body in his cellar. And then, of course, he told me exactly what I didn't want to hear. He was actually still in a committed relationship, but he wasn't sure himself. He wanted to sort things out at the moment and, for that very reason, wasn't ready for something new. I could understand that very well myself.
So I dug my two corpses (Stephan and Steffi) out of my basement and told him a little more about myself, but of course, I left my actual thoughts out of it. The mulled wine was gone, and we drove back to Waldkraiburg. We sat at my place for a while and chatted. He then drove back to Munich around 6:30, and I was at my wit's end again. This couldn't go on. But wouldn't I scare him off if I came clean now? My thoughts were going in circles.
Then, like most people, we were preoccupied with New Year's Eve and so on. We arranged to meet at his place on January 5th. I was at my new job for the first time that week and had actually booked a hotel for that week through my company. But I was only too happy to skip Wednesday to meet up with Ruben. When I arrived at his place at 6:30 a.m., I immediately noticed that something was wrong with him. His ex had finally gotten in touch, and Ruben wanted to call back, but not right away and was totally nervous. I suggested he go back if he'd rather be alone, but I should stay. Over time, I was probably becoming just as nervous as Ruben and didn't really know what to say. I tried to remain as neutral as possible. I didn't know his ex, nor did I know all the rather confusing circumstances. At his suggestion, we went to a bar in Munich and had a drink. The atmosphere became quite relaxed, and he seemed more at ease. Shortly before midnight, we headed back. On the way back, Ruben became really depressed, and I was really afraid to leave him alone. We hugged and he went upstairs. I drove back to Waldkraiburg, where I spent a rather sleepless night.
He hadn't been able to reach his ex again.
In the following weeks, I spent most of my time moving to Geretsried. We didn't see each other again until January 30, 2005. He arrived in Geretsried by train at 2:30 p.m. I picked him up from the station, and we went to my place. I have to admit, I was still pretty tired from the day before, but I tried not to let it show. A short time later, we both drove into town for a drink and to see the city. I have a very poor sense of direction, so Ruben actually showed me the city, which he jokingly rubbed in my face a few times. It was another great afternoon, and we drove back around 5 p.m. He sat in front of the heater with me most of the time because it was freezing cold. But I still felt warm inside. I had even bought some carrot stew from my grandma to eat. It's really delicious, and I knew he liked stew. This evening, too, flew by, and then he had to leave. I took him back to the train station, and when I returned, everything was as usual. I sat for a while by the river that flowed nearby and then went home. I was really looking forward to February 4th. It was supposed to be my housewarming party in Geretsried. Ruben had already agreed to come.
After a brief mental turmoil, I had him put up in my bedroom. I had two other overnight guests who were supposed to sleep on the sofas in the living room. All day at work, I thought about nothing else.
Should I tell him that I couldn't get him out of my head, that I was constantly thinking about him and worried whenever he went somewhere? That I felt incredibly comfortable around him? Should I even tell him? It would be terrible to lose his wonderful closeness just because I talked too much again and he just wasn't ready. On the other hand, didn't we flirt all the time? Didn't he perhaps think the same thing? There was somehow none of that superficiality between us that I was used to. Didn't we belong together?
Sometimes I was rudely interrupted by calls from customers, but somehow I got through the day and managed to get everything done at home.
Ruben was, of course, on time, as always. He brought me an aroma lamp as a housewarming gift. The party didn't really get going. It wasn't until we'd been out and about in Geretsried for a while that things got fun. I spent most of it with Ruben, of course. I had actually planned to keep quiet for the rest of the weekend. The party ended pretty badly in my apartment because the bus wasn't running in Geretsried, and we had to take a taxi. On top of that, the mood was kind of down. At some point, we finally managed to go to bed, which I'd been waiting for. I had a little surprise for Ruben. When we were at the CHAU in Bielefeld, he told me he absolutely wanted a key chain like the one the waitress had. I just replied that I'd take care of it. Then I chatted up the waitress so much that she had no choice but to give me one. So I invited her to dinner. Of course, I put the lanyard in my pocket to wait for the right moment.
I waited until he was in his sleeping bag, then fished the ribbon out of my pocket, lay down next to him, and let it dangle over his face, then fall onto his chest. That would have been a reason to turn to me and hug me, right? But nothing happened. He thanked me very sweetly, and that was it. Could I have been mistaken?
I don't know how he managed it, but at some point he fell asleep. I stared at him almost the entire time. Eventually, I fell asleep, too.
When I woke up, his blue eyes were looking at me. I placed my hand on his cheek and stroked the right corner of his mouth with my thumb. He made a quick, mock-biting motion, gently removed my hand, slid toward me with his sleeping bag, and gently kissed me on the mouth. I placed my hand on the back of his head and held it tight. As we began to kiss with tongue, tears welled up in my eyes.
I woke up. It was just a dream. Except for the tears. Ruben was lying with his back to me, curled up in his sleeping bag, asleep. I had to tell him. I was already close to waking him up and telling him how I felt.
At some point, he woke up too. We lay in bed for a while, our stomachs rumbling in competition with each other. We really only talked about the evening and our stomachs. He said that rumbling like that could sometimes feel really nice. Then I thought I could somehow turn things around and said that it was something different than grumbling. "But for me, at most 0.1%," Ruben replied. I was stuck on that for a while. It wasn't a great prospect. Somehow I stammered my way to where I wanted to go, and then he finally completed me. It ended with the sentences: "I have a really bad time gauging you and I don't know where I stand with you." "You mean the 0.1%?" "Yes." He was silent.
I pressed him, and he said that silence is sometimes the answer. It was just the wrong time. He was happy with the way things were. He also noticed that I wanted more, and he didn't know what would happen someday.
Shouldn't I have expected this, given what I knew about him?
Outwardly, I remained completely calm, but inside I was already completely agitated. I wished so much that he would just hold me in his arms and cuddle me for a bit. Instead, I said, "Raider is now called Twix, nothing else will change. I hope not for us either?" "No, what would change?" Sometimes I just can't find the right words, but I was still happy. I told him how much he meant to me. At least I tried.
His beautiful eyes did not look at me during the conversation.
We chatted a bit more and soon got up. My other two guests left shortly after, and Ruben and I decided to go get breakfast. I tried not to let it show, because this time I was even more afraid of letting him go. On the other hand, I was totally happy he was still there. I was torn.
After breakfast, we walked briefly through the city and then to his car. I asked him if he was free the next week, but he didn't know yet. "We'll talk on the phone." He hugged me, and I immediately felt safe again, yet sad at the same time. What would happen next?
Ruben got into his car and I walked into the small side street. I kept turning back and looking after him. He honked twice, and I gave him a quick wave.
I was alone again.
Sadly, I went home and began writing this story. I kept having to stop, and in the evening I lay down on my sofa. I didn't want to go into the bedroom.
I didn't go to bed until 6:30 in the morning. There lay my little yellow Tamagotchi pillow, the one Ruben had slept on. I took it in my arms and cuddled with the pillow like I always did.
It still smelled a little bit like Ruben...
END
Epilogue:
for Ruben
Wouldn't it be wonderful to wake up one morning, awakened by the sun's rays, and see the person you truly love standing next to you. The person who managed to turn initial infatuation into love. The person you wouldn't want to be without, no matter what?
I was able to experience this feeling again. Half a year ago, I wouldn't have believed anyone could get me this far again. You did it, and I'm grateful for that. Even though this story doesn't have a happy ending (yet), it's wonderful to have met you.