07-11-2025, 06:48 PM
The angel fell.
Hundreds of kilometers deep. Hours, days, weeks. The angel didn't know. He didn't even know if he was falling at all. But it had to be that way. They had told him he would fall. Fall endlessly. They hadn't told him what it would feel like. They couldn't. They couldn't feel it. They couldn't feel anything.
But the angel could, and yet couldn't. It was as if he felt everything at once, and then again not. Floating, spinning, dizzying, racing, cold, heat, indescribable, roaring noise, complete silence.
Something was tugging at him, something was stroking his skin. Did he have skin? Did he even have a body anymore?
He tried to open his eyes. What eyes?
He saw nothing. No darkness. Nothing. There was nothing around him.
The angel didn't want to fall anymore and he didn't fall anymore.
Now he felt something wet on his burning skin. Drop after drop pattered onto his hair, his eyelids, his cheeks, moistening his lips, his bare torso.
The angel shivered and trembled. He felt the hard, cold ground beneath him and smelled the musty-sweet earth.
At about the same time, Felix collapsed into a flowerpot somewhere.
A whitish, viscous slime poured out onto the dark earth.
Felix choked and choked, paused, choked again, until his stomach couldn't take anything else.
He wiped his sweating face with the sleeve of his baggy jacket and staggered through the night with unsteady steps. Past the dimly lit shop windows, past barred doors, past the whirring, frantically flickering neon signs. How on earth had he gotten here? His stomach was cramping, but he couldn't vomit anymore. The pain was excruciating.
Felix wrapped his arms around his body and continued to sway, bent over.
After all, it wasn't the first time he'd wandered around drunk and high on some kind of drug. He'd get home eventually. He just needed to find his way.
He left the city center behind, clambering along the walls of buildings through narrow, dark, dirty alleys. Occasional raindrops refreshed his sweaty face.
In a matter of seconds the rain had become heavier and Felix was soaked to the skin.
He rested for a moment, leaning against a wall, then straightened up, brushed back his dark brown hair, and continued walking with firm steps. The fog in his head slowly cleared. He knew his way around this area again; he was almost home.
Just across the street, through the alley, across the street beyond, and he'd be there. He could do it. Just a few more meters, then up the stairs to his apartment, to his bed. No big deal. He'd left the street behind him, now came the small alley; he could already see the cars at the end.
There was a noise, a scratching or something. A cat, probably, nothing unusual. Felix continued walking, the noise getting louder, almost seeming to be level with him. There lay a bundle; it was too dark to see anything, and he didn't really care. What did he care about the garbage lying in a goddamn stinking alley?
The bundle suddenly stirred. Felix stopped. His heart began to beat faster.
He squinted, trying to see what was moving on the wall in front of him. A groan reached his ear.
Aha, another drug wreck, thought Felix. That wasn't unusual around here either. On his nightly forays, he met many junkies, hanging around somewhere completely out of it. He didn't have much sympathy for them, but he always politely asked if he could help, hoping he wouldn't have to.
"Hey...do you need help?" he called impatiently, but received no clear answer.
Felix stood there undecided and could now watch as the bundle slowly stood up.
"Oh shit," he muttered, took a few steps and squatted down.
The bundle sat huddled, dirty, chin-length strands sticking to his face.
Dark streaks adorned his naked upper body.
"That's all I need," Felix hissed angrily. "A damned, half-naked junkie. Hey...
Are you all right?' He touched cold shoulders.
The junkie recoiled in horror, raised his head, and looked at Felix, shocked and afraid. His face was wet and dirty.
"Is that what it looks like?" he murmured in a trembling voice, wrapping his arms around his bare torso.
"Do you need a doctor? There's a hospital up ahead..."
"Thanks...no doctor, no hospital."
He began to cough, double over, wheeze, and struggle for air.
Felix was startled and pulled the junkie back up. "If you die now, I swear, I'll follow you to hell. You won't do that damned shit to me, do you hear?"
"Stop swearing and help me." The junkie held on to Felix and struggled to his feet.
"Well, at least you're wearing pants. I'm taking you to the hospital. I don't want to read about you in the newspaper tomorrow, saying you're the umpteenth drug victim."
He put his arm around the junkie's waist and put his arm around his neck.
“No hospital,” the junkie repeated sharply.
"It's either this or stay here."
"Do you live nearby?"
Felix shook his head. "I'm not bringing a damned drug addict into my apartment."
"I asked you not to swear and...what's a fixer?"
Felix shook his head again. "You're not right in the head. What kind of trip are you on?" he asked as they crossed the small street.
"What do you think?"
"Forget it," Felix sighed, noticing that they were now standing in front of his front door.
"Listen...you can shower, sleep, and tomorrow you're gone. No money, no drugs, no sex, no one-night stand drama...got it."
The junkie raised his head and looked Felix in the eyes. "My name is Nicolai and I'm an angel."
"Good for you, and now come." He gripped Nicolai tighter and dragged him up the stairs to his apartment.
"The bathroom's up ahead..." Felix eyed the dirty guy critically, "you can wear something of mine. And you can have another coffee tomorrow morning if you like, but that's the end of my charity."
Nicolai smiled crookedly. "It's amazing what people understand by charity these days." Felix disappeared into his bedroom, dug some old clothes out of the closet, and brought them into the bathroom, where Nicolai looked around in amazement. "What?"
Felix didn't wait for an answer, but turned on the shower water and threw his clothes on the floor. "Hurry up."
Nicolai remained alone in the small, bright bathroom, took off his dirty pants, stood under the hot water, and washed the dirt, sweat, and stench from his skin. The heat of the water relaxed his muscles.
When he was finished, he dried his wet body with a fluffy towel. It felt strange on his skin, but very pleasant.
After what seemed like an eternity, he wrapped the towel around his hips and padded barefoot across the cold floor into the living room, where Felix laid a blanket on the couch.
The angel noticed that his host had put on dry clothes: black pants and a fluffy-looking top.
"I hope I was quick," Nicolai said quietly.
Felix whirled around and stood rooted to the spot.
The damn junkie was...beautiful! Incredibly beautiful and...except for a towel...naked!
His dark-blond hair hung chin-length and still damp around his face. Perfectly arched dark eyebrows, large blue eyes, a small, delicate nose, and soft, gentle lips. His lower lip was slightly more pronounced than his upper one. He was slightly taller than Felix and much more delicate, almost girlish, his skin a creamy white shimmer, revealing his ribs above his chest.
Felix looked at him, fascinated, the small, hard nipples, the perfect belly button, the protruding hip bones above the hem of the towel.
Nicolai's hands were delicate with narrow, slender fingers that now tucked his hair behind his ear.
Felix swallowed, embarrassed. "How...why didn't you get dressed?"
Nicolai smiled. "Excuse me, but...I like this," he stroked the fabric on his hips, "against my skin." He closed his eyes contentedly. "It's so...soft..." he sighed.
Felix gasped for breath, his mouth and throat suddenly dry. "You...you can sleep here," he explained haltingly. "I'm not tired...not anymore. Come here and tell me something about yourself," Nicolai demanded, sitting down on the couch.
"No, I won't do that."
Nicolai tilted his head and blinked. "You said I'd get a coffee...
I want that now."
Felix went into the kitchen, turned on the coffee maker, and was annoyed. What did that junkie think he was doing? Why did he, Felix, do what he wanted? God...why was this guy so handsome? Felix was absolutely certain he'd never seen such a beautiful, perfect boy before. He didn't look like a junkie at all. Thin, but not pathologically emaciated. His skin wasn't pale, gray, or sallow, but white; his cheeks glowed a delicate pink like his lips; his blue eyes shone and sparkled with life. There was something very wrong with this brat sitting there almost naked on his couch, demanding coffee.
Lost in thought, he half-filled two cups, took a milk carton from the refrigerator, tucked a packet of sugar cubes under his arm, and returned to the living room. Unsteadily and trembling, he placed everything on the small glass table and sat down.
"Milk?" he asked.
The angel looked at the milk carton and shrugged. "If you say so."
"Do you want milk?" he phrased the question more clearly and first filled his own cup. Nicolai followed suit, taking the six sugar cubes and a hearty sip. "Mmm...hot," he hissed, putting a hand to his lips.
"You should put something on," Felix remarked.
"Oh yes?"
"I don't care."
"Then why do you ask for it?"
Felix sighed. "I'm going to sleep."
"No...you're supposed to tell me something," Nicolai cried hastily.
"I'm not in the mood," he grumbled.
"Please...I don't even know your name."
"Felix. Tell me...what the hell is all this about?"
Nicolai's expression darkened. "Don't speak his name in my presence."
"I say what I want, you get it. God damn it..." he snorted.
Nicolai jumped up in horror. "Enough now. I won't allow you to curse God."
"Oh shit...tell me, are you some kind of weird Jesus freak?"
“Apologize,” the angel demanded angrily.
"Bite me."
"Apologize...immediately!"
He's lost it. He's smoked his brain to mush or something, Felix thought. "Sorry," he said exaggeratedly, whereupon Nicolai slowly sat back down.
They were silent for a while. Nicolai stared into his cup, Felix stared at him. He felt an insane desire to touch this beauty.
This feeling wasn't particularly foreign to him; he occasionally felt like having sex with guys, but not recently, and that's probably why he craved it so much. Yet he wouldn't do anything in that direction. He had never done anything in that direction.
He didn't even know which gender Nicolai preferred, and he didn't want to ask him. How would that sound?!
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
Felix was startled out of his thoughts.
"You find me beautiful, right?" the angel asked arrogantly, raising his perfectly arched eyebrow.
"Are you crazy?"
Nicolai looked at him questioningly. "I don't know what that means."
"Where do you come from?"
The angel brushed his hair from his face. "Would you believe me if I said I fell from heaven?"
"Hardly."
"Well, I fell out of the sky, I think. I can't remember exactly."
"Man...you're still tripping," Felix grumbled.
»Trip?«
"Forget it."
“Do you believe in God?” Nicolai wanted to know.
"Oh shit. No theological discussion now."
"No discussion. A simple question. Yes or no."
"No, I don't believe in God."
"Why not?"
"Have you ever looked around the world?"
"God created the world; he is not responsible for what people make of it."
"I don't give a shit. What's all this about?"
"I'm an angel, Felix...do you believe me?"
"Yes, of course. I meet someone on every corner who talks to angels or is one themselves."
"But it's true."
"And where are your wings?"
Nicolai cast a disappointed glance at his back. "They were there once..." He tapped his shoulder blade with his finger.
"Look, you should sleep now and...I don't know. Don't try to jump out the window because you think you can fly."
"But I can fly," Nicolai assured me, "I mean, once my wings are back," he added, blushing slightly.
"Yeah...whatever," said Felix.
The angel gently stroked Felix's chest. "That's soft...I want that. Will you give it to me?"
"No. Don't touch me," he screamed, backing away.
“I’m cold,” moaned Nicolai.
"There's a blanket there."
Felix watched as Nicolai wrapped himself in the blanket for a moment, but then pushed it away in disgust.
"It's itchy. Give me what you're wearing, please?"
Felix jumped up. "Stop this bullshit."
“Don’t go away,” the angel cried fearfully.
He had also stood up. "I'm so cold..."
Felix snorted. "Then take the damn blanket. It'll keep you warm."
Nicolai's eyes moistened. "But I don't want to be warmed by that, but by...
from you," he muttered, turning away hastily.
Felix's heart wanted to stop. He saw that the half-naked boy, who had turned his back to him, was trembling, and heard him sobbing softly. He couldn't help himself; he slowly approached him, breathing deeply. He was so close that he could smell the angel's hair. It had an intoxicating scent. The whole boy had that scent. Not of detergent, not of anything familiar; he smelled somehow sweet and...there was something Felix couldn't quite identify. But the smell reminded him of something...of a clear, cool winter night.
The tip of his nose lightly touched the fine, dark-blond hair at the back of his neck. The angel kept his head bowed. Felix's heart pounded as he spread his arms and gently embraced the angel.
Nicolai breathed loudly, raised his head and leaned into the embrace.
"Thank you," he whispered.
Felix rubbed his chest against the angel's bare back, buried his face in his hair, and allowed himself to touch his chest for a moment. His skin was soft as cotton.
Nicolai turned around, his fingers gliding over Felix's stomach, grabbing the waistband of his shirt and pulling it over his head. Then he took a step back, touched the fabric in his hands to his bare skin, put the shirt on, and smiled.
"I'm tired."
He slowly lay down on the couch and pulled the covers halfway over himself. He wrapped his arms around his body and lay motionless.
Felix shook his head, confused and annoyed.
When Felix shuffled into the kitchen the next morning, Nicolai was sitting at the table, dressed in the black pants Felix had left for him and the fluffy shirt he had worn himself.
“Hello,” the angel whispered.
Felix wanted to die, so beautiful was this boy who was now smiling at him.
"You shouldn't be here anymore," he grumbled.
"Where should I go?"
"I don't care. I told you, one night and no drama."
"Coffee," Nicolai said triumphantly. "You said I'd get a coffee."
"You already had that yesterday. What else do you want? You're already wearing my clothes. Don't you have a home or something?"
Nicolai lowered his head sadly. "But, but...it's so far away and I don't know how to get back."
"I suggest you stop using drugs in the future, okay?" said Felix, making coffee.
"I'll do anything you want if...I can stay."
If you stay, I can't guarantee anything, thought Felix, shaking his head.
"Please..." the angel begged. "If only I knew how to do the wings..."
Felix rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Don't start with that nonsense again. You're not an angel, you're an idiot who can't handle LSD."
Nicolai jumped up angrily. "Yes...I AM an angel," he cried, curling his lower lip outward slightly, like a small, angry child.
God, he's so cute, thought Felix and had to grin.
"Okay, okay, let's say...I believe you. What are you doing here? Why aren't you sitting in heaven on some fluffy cloud, playing the harp and rejoicing?"
Nicolai sat back down. "Is that your idea?"
Felix poured coffee and nodded. "Yes," he replied curtly.
"If you only knew..."
"Go ahead, I'd like to know," Felix demanded, sipping his coffee.
"You don't believe me anyway," Nicolai said, offended.
"Tell me anyway. Maybe I'll be persuaded."
"We angels," Nicolai began haughtily, "don't sit. And we don't play the harp. We don't have time for that."
"Always stressed, huh?" Felix grinned amusedly. "Having to rush from one appointment to the next. Giving the young angels flying lessons and all that."
Nicolai looked at him questioningly.
"So, what are you going to do now?"
"Fight. There's a war in heaven."
"I see...still the same old Lucifer, huh?"
"He has something to do with it," Nicolai confirmed, "but I really can't explain that to you. In any case, the angels are divided. Some are for God, others against him...
to put it very simply.»
"And you?"
»I think he should bang his head hard on the table to restore peace.
Unfortunately, you're not even allowed to think like that, otherwise..."
"What?" Felix asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Otherwise you'll end up with a birdbrain like you."
"If you don't like it...there's the door."
"As soon as I know how to get back."
"You came here too. Why don't you take the same route?"
Nicolai snorted. "Yeah, of course. It's that simple."
"Oh...no?"
"No, otherwise I'd already be gone, you idiot. Gabriel was right. People are unbearably stupid."
"Wow...Gabriel, I know him."
Nicolai glared at him. "I doubt that."
"Yes," Felix assured him, "he is an archangel."
"Idiot, you have no idea what an archangel is."
"Yes...they're somehow above everyone else, aren't they?"
Nicolai grabbed his forehead. "I'm certainly not going to explain the Heavenly Hierarchy to you now. Not to such a birdbrain."
"I bet you don't know that yourself. Nice story, but maybe you should have read a proper book about all that angel stuff first."
"I have read every book ever written."
"I'm very impressed," Felix said ironically, rising. "It was nice chatting with you, angel. I have to go now."
Nicolai jumped up in horror. "You're leaving me alone? But you can't leave me alone."
Felix rubbed his chin. But he couldn't leave this madman alone in his apartment. He could clean out his entire place or do something else.
"Well, then I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave now."
"Where to?"
"I don't know. It's not my problem. Maybe you'll find someone else crazy enough to believe you. Maybe they can show you the way. Get out!"
Felix headed off to work. He'd been working at a record store for a few months. It wasn't a dream job, but it was still better to hang around than to have to actually do something for eight or nine hours. Here, he could listen to music, read, talk to people, or not, and even get paid for it. There wasn't much work to do most of the time—sorting orders, records, and CDs, occasionally showing a customer where to find something. He was basically just killing time.
Occasionally, Patrick came by. His father owned the shop and had assigned him to take care of everything. Felix got along well with him, even though he didn't particularly like him. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy talking to him, didn't find him funny and nice, and all that. It was more the fact that Patrick publicly admitted that he wasn't particularly interested in girls. That wasn't a bad thing in Felix's eyes, but somehow...he didn't know why he sometimes felt this strange aversion.
Sighing, he leaned back in his chair, put his feet up on the counter, and sipped his latte. He was able to relax for the first two hours, because no one had come by to buy anything. Tired, he closed his eyes and thought about his time with Hanna. He'd been somewhat happy with her for three years until that terrible party. He didn't know why he'd done that to her, didn't know why he'd slept with her best friend. It had been so trivial, so unnecessary, and he'd hurt her so much, even though he'd probably loved her. Yet the whole relationship had seemed more and more like a lie to him. While she unsuspectingly talked about a future together, he felt more and more uncomfortable. It wasn't that Hanna was too stuffy for him, or that he didn't sometimes wish he could live with her, he just had this strange feeling that something was missing. What it was, he couldn't put his finger on.
Couldn't or didn't want to. More likely the latter. Because sometimes he caught himself thinking about something he was deeply ashamed of. Fortunately, such thoughts were quickly repressed. Occasionally, alcohol and drugs helped.
And now this strange Nicolai had appeared, claiming to be an angel.
Felix shook his head in confusion. What an idiot. It wasn't worth pondering who or what Nicolai was. By the time Felix got home, he'd be gone, and his life could go on as before. Working, sleeping, eating, longing for Hanna, and partying on the weekends.
»Hey, beauty...«
Felix was startled out of his thoughts, saw the smiling young man and rolled his eyes in annoyance.
"Patty, what do you want?"
"See if you've got everything under control," he replied, leaning his upper body over the counter. "You look like shit...had a rough night?"
"It's none of your damn business."
"Why so prickly? Is it my fault that Hanna finally realized what an unfaithful asshole you are?"
“Shut up,” Felix snarled.
Of course Patty knew what had happened. Everyone knew.
"I'm just surprised that you cheated on her with Ina and not with her handsome brother."
"I'm not a fucking faggot like you."
Patty pulled a sour face. "No...of course not. I'm sorry."
"Is there anything else?" Felix asked unkindly.
Patty strolled around the store. "No, not really. Or...are you coming to our party on Saturday?"
"What's being celebrated? Engagement, or something?"
"Well, it could also be something like an anniversary...three months of bad mood in a row...I think we should drink to that."
“I can fool myself,” hissed Felix.
"Yes, indeed, and not a little bit."
"What does that mean?"
"Think about it," Patty replied, heading for the door. "See you Saturday."
"I know why I hate that guy," Felix said quietly, leaning back again. His thoughts began to turn to Hanna again. God...he missed her so much. The delicate lily scent of her skin, her hair tickling his nose in the morning when they woke up together, her sleepy "Good morning, sweetie," her cocoa and Nutella breakfast in bed, her habit of falling asleep playing with the ends of his hair, her laughter, her special sense of humor, her insane outbursts of anger, and the contrite look when she tried to make up with him...he missed all of that.
He had lost that in a single, insignificant night.
When Felix came home in the evening, Nicolai was sitting on the stairs.
"Oh man, what do you still want here?" he shouted, annoyed, and unlocked the door.
"The world is bad and people are unfriendly," sighed Nicolai, "but they should be happy to see an angel. Can I have a coffee?"
Felix shook his head. "How am I going to get rid of you?"
The angel shrugged and sank down onto the couch. "It's pretty exhausting, walking all day. My feet hurt, you know? My feet have never hurt. Nothing has ever hurt me."
"Well...you'll just have to get used to it."
"But I don't want to. I want to go back."
"Then let your wings grow and have a good flight," roared Felix.
“Where’s the coffee?” grumbled Nicolai.
I'll polish her beautiful face right away, thought Felix, snorting.
"If you want coffee, make it yourself, damn it."
"Stop swearing and...I don't know how to do that," Nicolai shrieked shrilly.
Felix dragged him from the couch into the kitchen.
"Here...water in here, coffee grounds in there, close it, put the pot underneath, press the button and wait until the damn coffee runs through, got it?"
"I'm not as stupid as you," Nicolai replied calmly and left.
"Thank you so much for being so kind as to send me this," Felix hissed, looking up at the ceiling.
He glanced into the living room...it was empty. He looked for the angel in the bathroom, finally finding him in the bedroom, lying face down on the bed, a shoebox beside him, and various photos spread out on the blanket.
"Tell me...what are you doing?"
Nicolai looked at him innocently. "What kind of people are these?"
"Did I give you permission to rummage through my things?" Felix shouted angrily.
“Tell me what kind of people these are,” Nicolai shouted back.
"Friends of mine. Put the photos back."
"Do you love this one?" He held up a picture of Felix kissing a girl.
"I did," he sighed, took it from his hand and stuffed it back into the box with the others.
"Where is she now?"
"I don't know. We broke up three months ago."
He fell onto the bed next to the angel.
"Why?"
"You're a stupid pain in the ass, you know that?"
"No, I don't know, but thanks for telling me. So...why did you break up?"
"Fucked her best friend."
"Fucked?"
"Yeah, fucked...Good Lord. What don't you understand about that?"
“Fucked,” Nicolai explained calmly.
Felix put his hand over his eyes and breathed heavily. "Screw, fuck, screw...
Just sex."
"Oh yeah...that's important to you, isn't it?"
He looked at Nicolai. "Not for you angels, is that right?"
"Not really."
"Oh, I forgot, angels don't have sex."
"Who says that?"
"Well, you read that everywhere. Angels are hermaphrodites and can't do anything."
"Another human misconception," Nicolai sighed. "The truth is, angels choose their gender and then can't get enough...at least some of them."
Felix struggled to suppress a sudden surge of horniness. "And...which faction do you belong to?"
"I chose the male gender, if that's what you meant."
"Yes...I see that."
"Then why do you ask?"
"Seriously...you can't possibly still be tripping, won't you just tell me who you are?"
"You know that. I'm an angel and my name is Nicolai."
Felix groaned. "Angels aren't called Nicolai. They're called Gabriel, Michael, and Raphael."
"Does all of humanity get by with just three names? Then why do you think all angels are called either Gabriel, Raphael, or Michael?"
"I give up. Your name just doesn't sound like an angel. Don't they always end with an 'el'?"
Nicolai shrugged. "I've been called that ever since HE created me."
"Is it?" Felix asked. "Oh, so...IS it."
The angel nodded eagerly.
"So...what are you going to do now? I mean, you can't stay here forever."
"When you say forever, you don't really have a clue what that means," Nicolai smiled.
That smile made Felix weak. In fact, everything about Nicolai drove Felix crazy. He wanted him so badly. Angel or not. He wondered if angels were allowed to have sex with humans, but immediately became annoyed by this nonsensical question.
Nicolai grinned. "No, it isn't, but...who follows commandments anyway..."
"What?" asked Felix, opening his eyes in shock.
"You were just wondering if angels..."
"I know what I was wondering, but...how do you know? Can you read minds?" he snarled fiercely.
The angel stroked his hair. "Yes...sometimes, when I feel like it," he explained, sounding exaggeratedly bored.
»Oh yeah...what am I thinking right now?«
Nicolai shook his head. "That's so indecent that I don't want to say it."
"Because you don't know," Felix mumbled, his face red, trying to ignore the intrusive throbbing in his abdomen.
"I don't have to read your mind to know what you want. It's written all over your face, my dear, and...not only there. Unfortunately, I have to disappoint you. I'm the kind of angel who follows the rules...most of the time, anyway."
Felix gasped for air. His head was spinning, his entire body was tingling, and he felt his cock pressing painfully against his jeans.
Nicolai grinned dirtyly. "Now you need a cold shower, don't you?"
"For an angel, you know amazing things," Felix hissed.
"I watched people when I was bored."
"Go...get out of my room!"
"Oh, Felix," sighed the angel, "why don't you just ask me to help you with that," he pointed to the bulge in his pants.
"You'll have to wait a long time for that. Get out now."
Nicolai left, but came back after a few minutes.
"What's your name?"
"What name?"
"Don't act stupider than you are," demanded the angel, sitting on the edge of the bed with his legs crossed.
»Hanna.«
"Beautiful name...pretty girl. Why did you cheat on her?"
"I don't think that's any of your business."
"It's all my business," Nicolai explained haughtily. "So?"
"I don't know," Felix snapped, "I just felt like it."
"That's not an answer. I want to know why."
"Leave me in peace."
Nicolai sighed. "Tell me and I'll go."
"I don't know, okay? I was at a party and drunk...that's when it happened."
"Thank you...good night."
Felix tossed and turned restlessly in bed. He couldn't sleep; he kept thinking about the beautiful angel lying next to him. He wanted him. He wanted him like he'd never wanted anyone before. Felix snorted. This self-absorbed, annoying, snooty...
Damned angels. He had to laugh when he thought the word. Angels. Did he really believe this completely insane story? It was unbearable.
He stood up, slipped into his jeans and padded through the apartment.
"Can't you sleep?" a gentle voice sounded through the darkness.
Felix was startled. "Do you want my heart to stop?" he yelled and turned on the light.
Nicolai sat on the couch, his feet up on the table, and smiled. "Doesn't it always do that when you just look at me?"
"Let me tell you something? You're way too full of yourself."
"So you don't think I'm beautiful?"
"No."
"And you don't desire my body?"
"No."
"Because I'm not a woman?"
Felix laughed contemptuously. "I thought you could read my mind. Then you should know that I like guys too."
He bit his lip in shock. It was the first time he'd ever said it.
Until now, he hadn't even dared to think it.
“Oh, I’ve known that for a long time,” Nicolai explained, making a succinct gesture.
"Then why do you ask?"
He shrugged. "I wanted to keep the conversation going."
"You're not quite right in the head. Leave me alone."
"Why are you so reluctant?"
"Why don't you tell me?" Felix replied with a sweet smile.
"This is too exhausting for me. You can open your mouth for once."
Nicolai tilted his head to the side. "Would you like to see my wings, Felix?"
"I thought you didn't know where they went."
The angel looked boredly at his glass fingernails. "I lied."
"And...where are they? Did you hide them under the couch?" Felix's voice sounded amused.
"Look, you idiot," Nicolai replied, annoyed. "I want to reveal myself to you, a human being, and I have to listen to such stupid things."
"Oh...sorry, big angel."
Nicolai stood up and suddenly the room was filled with a whirring noise.
Felix involuntarily covered his ears and squinted his eyes because a dazzling light enveloped the angel.
But after just a few seconds it was all over, Nicolai sank exhausted onto the couch, Felix opened his eyes and stared at him.
No wings!
"I can't concentrate when you're so dismissive and mean," he explained, blushing profusely in an accusatory voice.
Felix's knees buckled; he could hardly believe what had just happened. He slowly collapsed to the floor, shakily running his hand through his brown hair.
"That...that...what was THAT?" he stammered. "What was that light? And that noise...oh shit..."
"You ruined everything," Nicolai said, a little more reproachfully and now visibly annoyed.
Suddenly, Felix burst into loud laughter. "Oh shit...you really can't do it."
"What a lousy angel..." he burst out laughing. And when he realized what he'd just said, he laughed even harder. "An angel...you really are an angel...I can't stand it. There's actually a stupid angel without wings sitting on my couch..."
"Yeah...add fuel to the fire," Nicolai hissed.
"You don't know how to extend your fucking wings," Felix laughed, wiping tears from his eyes.
Nicolai jumped up. "I know, you birdbrain. Spreading your wings... what a complete idiot," he hissed. "You... you don't deserve me to show you all my beauty."
Felix was shaken by another fit of laughter. "That...that's really cool...you're such a goddamn loser..."
"Stop swearing and...stop laughing at me," Nicolai shouted, his fists raised and his cheeks red with anger.
That was too much for Felix, he curled up on the floor and could hardly breathe.
The enraged angel stomped into the kitchen, filled the coffee pot with water, rumbled back into the living room and calmly and deliberately poured the contents of the pot over the laughing Felix.
He shook himself in shock and jumped up.
"Are you crazy?" He angrily grabbed the angel and tugged at the fabric of his shirt.
Nicolai fended him off and now also grabbed his opponent's neckline.
"Stop that," Nicolai hissed, "you don't stand a chance against me."
"We'll see about that," Felix hissed back, tearing himself free and jostling the angel across the room, pushing him. Nicolai gave him a shove, sending Felix to the floor, hitting his head on the edge of the table.
"You damn..."
Nicolai threw himself on him and pressed his throat with one hand.
"I asked you to stop."
Felix tried to free himself from the grip but the angel was incredibly strong.
Much stronger than a normal person, he noted, wheezing.
"Let me..."
The hand on his throat squeezed mercilessly. Felix writhed, swallowed desperately, and gasped for air. His legs kicked uncontrollably on the smooth parquet floor.
Suddenly Nicolai let go of him. He stared in shock at Felix, whose neck had been left with red marks by his fingers.
"Oh...I...I'm sorry," Nicolai stammered, trembling, and leaned against the couch.
"I'm so sorry," he repeated, putting his hands over his face and beginning to sob.
Felix gasped, grabbed his throat, coughed, and caught his breath. "Were you trying to kill me...or what?" His palms now touched the cold floor, and he propped himself up and crawled toward the trembling angel.
“I didn’t mean to do this,” Nicolai whispered, his voice choked with tears.
"God...I thought you were going to kill me." The back of his head fell onto the seat of the couch, and he placed a hand on his burning neck.
"I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Wow..." Felix said curtly. "Are all angels so damn strong?" He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and let his hand fall to the ground in exhaustion. A moment later, he felt the angel's soft hand. He wanted to push it away in panic, but the fingers caused no further pain, instead gently stroking his skin. Felix turned his head, opened his eyes, and saw Nicolai's face close to his own. His lips were slightly parted, still trembling a little.
"Forgive me..." he said very quietly and kissed him gently on the mouth.
"Why are you doing this?"
"I want you to love me," the angel answered softly, "now!"
Felix wanted nothing more, but he shook his head. "Forget it."
“Please,” Nicolai begged.
“No,” Felix replied harshly.
»Yes...please!«
"Is this like your foreplay? First half-strangle, then fuck?"
“You provoked me,” Nicolai defended himself.
"Yeah, exactly." Felix got to his feet. "Just stay away from me," he said as he walked out.
He threw himself onto the bed and lay there motionless. His heart was pounding so fast he was afraid it would burst out of his chest at any moment, his pulse was racing, his arms and legs were numb, his whole body was tingling. He wanted Nicolai, wanted him so badly, but if he started getting involved with him...where would that lead? He was scared to death. If he pulled himself together a little, these impossible feelings for the angel would go away, and everything would be okay again. He just couldn't think about him every minute.
Felix had just calmed down a bit when he suddenly heard the apartment door slam shut.
Frightened, he jumped up and ran through the apartment...it was empty. No sign of Nicolai.
Weak and tired, he trudged back to the bedroom.
So what, he thought to himself, he's gone. What the heck?! After all, I wanted him to leave all along. Finally, everything will be back to normal.
Still, he wondered where the angel might be. Would he really not come back? Would Felix never be able to look at his beautiful face again?
He felt his eyes begin to burn, become moist, and immediately tears stream down his cheeks. Hot, salty, and painful.
Hundreds of kilometers deep. Hours, days, weeks. The angel didn't know. He didn't even know if he was falling at all. But it had to be that way. They had told him he would fall. Fall endlessly. They hadn't told him what it would feel like. They couldn't. They couldn't feel it. They couldn't feel anything.
But the angel could, and yet couldn't. It was as if he felt everything at once, and then again not. Floating, spinning, dizzying, racing, cold, heat, indescribable, roaring noise, complete silence.
Something was tugging at him, something was stroking his skin. Did he have skin? Did he even have a body anymore?
He tried to open his eyes. What eyes?
He saw nothing. No darkness. Nothing. There was nothing around him.
The angel didn't want to fall anymore and he didn't fall anymore.
Now he felt something wet on his burning skin. Drop after drop pattered onto his hair, his eyelids, his cheeks, moistening his lips, his bare torso.
The angel shivered and trembled. He felt the hard, cold ground beneath him and smelled the musty-sweet earth.
At about the same time, Felix collapsed into a flowerpot somewhere.
A whitish, viscous slime poured out onto the dark earth.
Felix choked and choked, paused, choked again, until his stomach couldn't take anything else.
He wiped his sweating face with the sleeve of his baggy jacket and staggered through the night with unsteady steps. Past the dimly lit shop windows, past barred doors, past the whirring, frantically flickering neon signs. How on earth had he gotten here? His stomach was cramping, but he couldn't vomit anymore. The pain was excruciating.
Felix wrapped his arms around his body and continued to sway, bent over.
After all, it wasn't the first time he'd wandered around drunk and high on some kind of drug. He'd get home eventually. He just needed to find his way.
He left the city center behind, clambering along the walls of buildings through narrow, dark, dirty alleys. Occasional raindrops refreshed his sweaty face.
In a matter of seconds the rain had become heavier and Felix was soaked to the skin.
He rested for a moment, leaning against a wall, then straightened up, brushed back his dark brown hair, and continued walking with firm steps. The fog in his head slowly cleared. He knew his way around this area again; he was almost home.
Just across the street, through the alley, across the street beyond, and he'd be there. He could do it. Just a few more meters, then up the stairs to his apartment, to his bed. No big deal. He'd left the street behind him, now came the small alley; he could already see the cars at the end.
There was a noise, a scratching or something. A cat, probably, nothing unusual. Felix continued walking, the noise getting louder, almost seeming to be level with him. There lay a bundle; it was too dark to see anything, and he didn't really care. What did he care about the garbage lying in a goddamn stinking alley?
The bundle suddenly stirred. Felix stopped. His heart began to beat faster.
He squinted, trying to see what was moving on the wall in front of him. A groan reached his ear.
Aha, another drug wreck, thought Felix. That wasn't unusual around here either. On his nightly forays, he met many junkies, hanging around somewhere completely out of it. He didn't have much sympathy for them, but he always politely asked if he could help, hoping he wouldn't have to.
"Hey...do you need help?" he called impatiently, but received no clear answer.
Felix stood there undecided and could now watch as the bundle slowly stood up.
"Oh shit," he muttered, took a few steps and squatted down.
The bundle sat huddled, dirty, chin-length strands sticking to his face.
Dark streaks adorned his naked upper body.
"That's all I need," Felix hissed angrily. "A damned, half-naked junkie. Hey...
Are you all right?' He touched cold shoulders.
The junkie recoiled in horror, raised his head, and looked at Felix, shocked and afraid. His face was wet and dirty.
"Is that what it looks like?" he murmured in a trembling voice, wrapping his arms around his bare torso.
"Do you need a doctor? There's a hospital up ahead..."
"Thanks...no doctor, no hospital."
He began to cough, double over, wheeze, and struggle for air.
Felix was startled and pulled the junkie back up. "If you die now, I swear, I'll follow you to hell. You won't do that damned shit to me, do you hear?"
"Stop swearing and help me." The junkie held on to Felix and struggled to his feet.
"Well, at least you're wearing pants. I'm taking you to the hospital. I don't want to read about you in the newspaper tomorrow, saying you're the umpteenth drug victim."
He put his arm around the junkie's waist and put his arm around his neck.
“No hospital,” the junkie repeated sharply.
"It's either this or stay here."
"Do you live nearby?"
Felix shook his head. "I'm not bringing a damned drug addict into my apartment."
"I asked you not to swear and...what's a fixer?"
Felix shook his head again. "You're not right in the head. What kind of trip are you on?" he asked as they crossed the small street.
"What do you think?"
"Forget it," Felix sighed, noticing that they were now standing in front of his front door.
"Listen...you can shower, sleep, and tomorrow you're gone. No money, no drugs, no sex, no one-night stand drama...got it."
The junkie raised his head and looked Felix in the eyes. "My name is Nicolai and I'm an angel."
"Good for you, and now come." He gripped Nicolai tighter and dragged him up the stairs to his apartment.
"The bathroom's up ahead..." Felix eyed the dirty guy critically, "you can wear something of mine. And you can have another coffee tomorrow morning if you like, but that's the end of my charity."
Nicolai smiled crookedly. "It's amazing what people understand by charity these days." Felix disappeared into his bedroom, dug some old clothes out of the closet, and brought them into the bathroom, where Nicolai looked around in amazement. "What?"
Felix didn't wait for an answer, but turned on the shower water and threw his clothes on the floor. "Hurry up."
Nicolai remained alone in the small, bright bathroom, took off his dirty pants, stood under the hot water, and washed the dirt, sweat, and stench from his skin. The heat of the water relaxed his muscles.
When he was finished, he dried his wet body with a fluffy towel. It felt strange on his skin, but very pleasant.
After what seemed like an eternity, he wrapped the towel around his hips and padded barefoot across the cold floor into the living room, where Felix laid a blanket on the couch.
The angel noticed that his host had put on dry clothes: black pants and a fluffy-looking top.
"I hope I was quick," Nicolai said quietly.
Felix whirled around and stood rooted to the spot.
The damn junkie was...beautiful! Incredibly beautiful and...except for a towel...naked!
His dark-blond hair hung chin-length and still damp around his face. Perfectly arched dark eyebrows, large blue eyes, a small, delicate nose, and soft, gentle lips. His lower lip was slightly more pronounced than his upper one. He was slightly taller than Felix and much more delicate, almost girlish, his skin a creamy white shimmer, revealing his ribs above his chest.
Felix looked at him, fascinated, the small, hard nipples, the perfect belly button, the protruding hip bones above the hem of the towel.
Nicolai's hands were delicate with narrow, slender fingers that now tucked his hair behind his ear.
Felix swallowed, embarrassed. "How...why didn't you get dressed?"
Nicolai smiled. "Excuse me, but...I like this," he stroked the fabric on his hips, "against my skin." He closed his eyes contentedly. "It's so...soft..." he sighed.
Felix gasped for breath, his mouth and throat suddenly dry. "You...you can sleep here," he explained haltingly. "I'm not tired...not anymore. Come here and tell me something about yourself," Nicolai demanded, sitting down on the couch.
"No, I won't do that."
Nicolai tilted his head and blinked. "You said I'd get a coffee...
I want that now."
Felix went into the kitchen, turned on the coffee maker, and was annoyed. What did that junkie think he was doing? Why did he, Felix, do what he wanted? God...why was this guy so handsome? Felix was absolutely certain he'd never seen such a beautiful, perfect boy before. He didn't look like a junkie at all. Thin, but not pathologically emaciated. His skin wasn't pale, gray, or sallow, but white; his cheeks glowed a delicate pink like his lips; his blue eyes shone and sparkled with life. There was something very wrong with this brat sitting there almost naked on his couch, demanding coffee.
Lost in thought, he half-filled two cups, took a milk carton from the refrigerator, tucked a packet of sugar cubes under his arm, and returned to the living room. Unsteadily and trembling, he placed everything on the small glass table and sat down.
"Milk?" he asked.
The angel looked at the milk carton and shrugged. "If you say so."
"Do you want milk?" he phrased the question more clearly and first filled his own cup. Nicolai followed suit, taking the six sugar cubes and a hearty sip. "Mmm...hot," he hissed, putting a hand to his lips.
"You should put something on," Felix remarked.
"Oh yes?"
"I don't care."
"Then why do you ask for it?"
Felix sighed. "I'm going to sleep."
"No...you're supposed to tell me something," Nicolai cried hastily.
"I'm not in the mood," he grumbled.
"Please...I don't even know your name."
"Felix. Tell me...what the hell is all this about?"
Nicolai's expression darkened. "Don't speak his name in my presence."
"I say what I want, you get it. God damn it..." he snorted.
Nicolai jumped up in horror. "Enough now. I won't allow you to curse God."
"Oh shit...tell me, are you some kind of weird Jesus freak?"
“Apologize,” the angel demanded angrily.
"Bite me."
"Apologize...immediately!"
He's lost it. He's smoked his brain to mush or something, Felix thought. "Sorry," he said exaggeratedly, whereupon Nicolai slowly sat back down.
They were silent for a while. Nicolai stared into his cup, Felix stared at him. He felt an insane desire to touch this beauty.
This feeling wasn't particularly foreign to him; he occasionally felt like having sex with guys, but not recently, and that's probably why he craved it so much. Yet he wouldn't do anything in that direction. He had never done anything in that direction.
He didn't even know which gender Nicolai preferred, and he didn't want to ask him. How would that sound?!
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
Felix was startled out of his thoughts.
"You find me beautiful, right?" the angel asked arrogantly, raising his perfectly arched eyebrow.
"Are you crazy?"
Nicolai looked at him questioningly. "I don't know what that means."
"Where do you come from?"
The angel brushed his hair from his face. "Would you believe me if I said I fell from heaven?"
"Hardly."
"Well, I fell out of the sky, I think. I can't remember exactly."
"Man...you're still tripping," Felix grumbled.
»Trip?«
"Forget it."
“Do you believe in God?” Nicolai wanted to know.
"Oh shit. No theological discussion now."
"No discussion. A simple question. Yes or no."
"No, I don't believe in God."
"Why not?"
"Have you ever looked around the world?"
"God created the world; he is not responsible for what people make of it."
"I don't give a shit. What's all this about?"
"I'm an angel, Felix...do you believe me?"
"Yes, of course. I meet someone on every corner who talks to angels or is one themselves."
"But it's true."
"And where are your wings?"
Nicolai cast a disappointed glance at his back. "They were there once..." He tapped his shoulder blade with his finger.
"Look, you should sleep now and...I don't know. Don't try to jump out the window because you think you can fly."
"But I can fly," Nicolai assured me, "I mean, once my wings are back," he added, blushing slightly.
"Yeah...whatever," said Felix.
The angel gently stroked Felix's chest. "That's soft...I want that. Will you give it to me?"
"No. Don't touch me," he screamed, backing away.
“I’m cold,” moaned Nicolai.
"There's a blanket there."
Felix watched as Nicolai wrapped himself in the blanket for a moment, but then pushed it away in disgust.
"It's itchy. Give me what you're wearing, please?"
Felix jumped up. "Stop this bullshit."
“Don’t go away,” the angel cried fearfully.
He had also stood up. "I'm so cold..."
Felix snorted. "Then take the damn blanket. It'll keep you warm."
Nicolai's eyes moistened. "But I don't want to be warmed by that, but by...
from you," he muttered, turning away hastily.
Felix's heart wanted to stop. He saw that the half-naked boy, who had turned his back to him, was trembling, and heard him sobbing softly. He couldn't help himself; he slowly approached him, breathing deeply. He was so close that he could smell the angel's hair. It had an intoxicating scent. The whole boy had that scent. Not of detergent, not of anything familiar; he smelled somehow sweet and...there was something Felix couldn't quite identify. But the smell reminded him of something...of a clear, cool winter night.
The tip of his nose lightly touched the fine, dark-blond hair at the back of his neck. The angel kept his head bowed. Felix's heart pounded as he spread his arms and gently embraced the angel.
Nicolai breathed loudly, raised his head and leaned into the embrace.
"Thank you," he whispered.
Felix rubbed his chest against the angel's bare back, buried his face in his hair, and allowed himself to touch his chest for a moment. His skin was soft as cotton.
Nicolai turned around, his fingers gliding over Felix's stomach, grabbing the waistband of his shirt and pulling it over his head. Then he took a step back, touched the fabric in his hands to his bare skin, put the shirt on, and smiled.
"I'm tired."
He slowly lay down on the couch and pulled the covers halfway over himself. He wrapped his arms around his body and lay motionless.
Felix shook his head, confused and annoyed.
When Felix shuffled into the kitchen the next morning, Nicolai was sitting at the table, dressed in the black pants Felix had left for him and the fluffy shirt he had worn himself.
“Hello,” the angel whispered.
Felix wanted to die, so beautiful was this boy who was now smiling at him.
"You shouldn't be here anymore," he grumbled.
"Where should I go?"
"I don't care. I told you, one night and no drama."
"Coffee," Nicolai said triumphantly. "You said I'd get a coffee."
"You already had that yesterday. What else do you want? You're already wearing my clothes. Don't you have a home or something?"
Nicolai lowered his head sadly. "But, but...it's so far away and I don't know how to get back."
"I suggest you stop using drugs in the future, okay?" said Felix, making coffee.
"I'll do anything you want if...I can stay."
If you stay, I can't guarantee anything, thought Felix, shaking his head.
"Please..." the angel begged. "If only I knew how to do the wings..."
Felix rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Don't start with that nonsense again. You're not an angel, you're an idiot who can't handle LSD."
Nicolai jumped up angrily. "Yes...I AM an angel," he cried, curling his lower lip outward slightly, like a small, angry child.
God, he's so cute, thought Felix and had to grin.
"Okay, okay, let's say...I believe you. What are you doing here? Why aren't you sitting in heaven on some fluffy cloud, playing the harp and rejoicing?"
Nicolai sat back down. "Is that your idea?"
Felix poured coffee and nodded. "Yes," he replied curtly.
"If you only knew..."
"Go ahead, I'd like to know," Felix demanded, sipping his coffee.
"You don't believe me anyway," Nicolai said, offended.
"Tell me anyway. Maybe I'll be persuaded."
"We angels," Nicolai began haughtily, "don't sit. And we don't play the harp. We don't have time for that."
"Always stressed, huh?" Felix grinned amusedly. "Having to rush from one appointment to the next. Giving the young angels flying lessons and all that."
Nicolai looked at him questioningly.
"So, what are you going to do now?"
"Fight. There's a war in heaven."
"I see...still the same old Lucifer, huh?"
"He has something to do with it," Nicolai confirmed, "but I really can't explain that to you. In any case, the angels are divided. Some are for God, others against him...
to put it very simply.»
"And you?"
»I think he should bang his head hard on the table to restore peace.
Unfortunately, you're not even allowed to think like that, otherwise..."
"What?" Felix asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Otherwise you'll end up with a birdbrain like you."
"If you don't like it...there's the door."
"As soon as I know how to get back."
"You came here too. Why don't you take the same route?"
Nicolai snorted. "Yeah, of course. It's that simple."
"Oh...no?"
"No, otherwise I'd already be gone, you idiot. Gabriel was right. People are unbearably stupid."
"Wow...Gabriel, I know him."
Nicolai glared at him. "I doubt that."
"Yes," Felix assured him, "he is an archangel."
"Idiot, you have no idea what an archangel is."
"Yes...they're somehow above everyone else, aren't they?"
Nicolai grabbed his forehead. "I'm certainly not going to explain the Heavenly Hierarchy to you now. Not to such a birdbrain."
"I bet you don't know that yourself. Nice story, but maybe you should have read a proper book about all that angel stuff first."
"I have read every book ever written."
"I'm very impressed," Felix said ironically, rising. "It was nice chatting with you, angel. I have to go now."
Nicolai jumped up in horror. "You're leaving me alone? But you can't leave me alone."
Felix rubbed his chin. But he couldn't leave this madman alone in his apartment. He could clean out his entire place or do something else.
"Well, then I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave now."
"Where to?"
"I don't know. It's not my problem. Maybe you'll find someone else crazy enough to believe you. Maybe they can show you the way. Get out!"
Felix headed off to work. He'd been working at a record store for a few months. It wasn't a dream job, but it was still better to hang around than to have to actually do something for eight or nine hours. Here, he could listen to music, read, talk to people, or not, and even get paid for it. There wasn't much work to do most of the time—sorting orders, records, and CDs, occasionally showing a customer where to find something. He was basically just killing time.
Occasionally, Patrick came by. His father owned the shop and had assigned him to take care of everything. Felix got along well with him, even though he didn't particularly like him. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy talking to him, didn't find him funny and nice, and all that. It was more the fact that Patrick publicly admitted that he wasn't particularly interested in girls. That wasn't a bad thing in Felix's eyes, but somehow...he didn't know why he sometimes felt this strange aversion.
Sighing, he leaned back in his chair, put his feet up on the counter, and sipped his latte. He was able to relax for the first two hours, because no one had come by to buy anything. Tired, he closed his eyes and thought about his time with Hanna. He'd been somewhat happy with her for three years until that terrible party. He didn't know why he'd done that to her, didn't know why he'd slept with her best friend. It had been so trivial, so unnecessary, and he'd hurt her so much, even though he'd probably loved her. Yet the whole relationship had seemed more and more like a lie to him. While she unsuspectingly talked about a future together, he felt more and more uncomfortable. It wasn't that Hanna was too stuffy for him, or that he didn't sometimes wish he could live with her, he just had this strange feeling that something was missing. What it was, he couldn't put his finger on.
Couldn't or didn't want to. More likely the latter. Because sometimes he caught himself thinking about something he was deeply ashamed of. Fortunately, such thoughts were quickly repressed. Occasionally, alcohol and drugs helped.
And now this strange Nicolai had appeared, claiming to be an angel.
Felix shook his head in confusion. What an idiot. It wasn't worth pondering who or what Nicolai was. By the time Felix got home, he'd be gone, and his life could go on as before. Working, sleeping, eating, longing for Hanna, and partying on the weekends.
»Hey, beauty...«
Felix was startled out of his thoughts, saw the smiling young man and rolled his eyes in annoyance.
"Patty, what do you want?"
"See if you've got everything under control," he replied, leaning his upper body over the counter. "You look like shit...had a rough night?"
"It's none of your damn business."
"Why so prickly? Is it my fault that Hanna finally realized what an unfaithful asshole you are?"
“Shut up,” Felix snarled.
Of course Patty knew what had happened. Everyone knew.
"I'm just surprised that you cheated on her with Ina and not with her handsome brother."
"I'm not a fucking faggot like you."
Patty pulled a sour face. "No...of course not. I'm sorry."
"Is there anything else?" Felix asked unkindly.
Patty strolled around the store. "No, not really. Or...are you coming to our party on Saturday?"
"What's being celebrated? Engagement, or something?"
"Well, it could also be something like an anniversary...three months of bad mood in a row...I think we should drink to that."
“I can fool myself,” hissed Felix.
"Yes, indeed, and not a little bit."
"What does that mean?"
"Think about it," Patty replied, heading for the door. "See you Saturday."
"I know why I hate that guy," Felix said quietly, leaning back again. His thoughts began to turn to Hanna again. God...he missed her so much. The delicate lily scent of her skin, her hair tickling his nose in the morning when they woke up together, her sleepy "Good morning, sweetie," her cocoa and Nutella breakfast in bed, her habit of falling asleep playing with the ends of his hair, her laughter, her special sense of humor, her insane outbursts of anger, and the contrite look when she tried to make up with him...he missed all of that.
He had lost that in a single, insignificant night.
When Felix came home in the evening, Nicolai was sitting on the stairs.
"Oh man, what do you still want here?" he shouted, annoyed, and unlocked the door.
"The world is bad and people are unfriendly," sighed Nicolai, "but they should be happy to see an angel. Can I have a coffee?"
Felix shook his head. "How am I going to get rid of you?"
The angel shrugged and sank down onto the couch. "It's pretty exhausting, walking all day. My feet hurt, you know? My feet have never hurt. Nothing has ever hurt me."
"Well...you'll just have to get used to it."
"But I don't want to. I want to go back."
"Then let your wings grow and have a good flight," roared Felix.
“Where’s the coffee?” grumbled Nicolai.
I'll polish her beautiful face right away, thought Felix, snorting.
"If you want coffee, make it yourself, damn it."
"Stop swearing and...I don't know how to do that," Nicolai shrieked shrilly.
Felix dragged him from the couch into the kitchen.
"Here...water in here, coffee grounds in there, close it, put the pot underneath, press the button and wait until the damn coffee runs through, got it?"
"I'm not as stupid as you," Nicolai replied calmly and left.
"Thank you so much for being so kind as to send me this," Felix hissed, looking up at the ceiling.
He glanced into the living room...it was empty. He looked for the angel in the bathroom, finally finding him in the bedroom, lying face down on the bed, a shoebox beside him, and various photos spread out on the blanket.
"Tell me...what are you doing?"
Nicolai looked at him innocently. "What kind of people are these?"
"Did I give you permission to rummage through my things?" Felix shouted angrily.
“Tell me what kind of people these are,” Nicolai shouted back.
"Friends of mine. Put the photos back."
"Do you love this one?" He held up a picture of Felix kissing a girl.
"I did," he sighed, took it from his hand and stuffed it back into the box with the others.
"Where is she now?"
"I don't know. We broke up three months ago."
He fell onto the bed next to the angel.
"Why?"
"You're a stupid pain in the ass, you know that?"
"No, I don't know, but thanks for telling me. So...why did you break up?"
"Fucked her best friend."
"Fucked?"
"Yeah, fucked...Good Lord. What don't you understand about that?"
“Fucked,” Nicolai explained calmly.
Felix put his hand over his eyes and breathed heavily. "Screw, fuck, screw...
Just sex."
"Oh yeah...that's important to you, isn't it?"
He looked at Nicolai. "Not for you angels, is that right?"
"Not really."
"Oh, I forgot, angels don't have sex."
"Who says that?"
"Well, you read that everywhere. Angels are hermaphrodites and can't do anything."
"Another human misconception," Nicolai sighed. "The truth is, angels choose their gender and then can't get enough...at least some of them."
Felix struggled to suppress a sudden surge of horniness. "And...which faction do you belong to?"
"I chose the male gender, if that's what you meant."
"Yes...I see that."
"Then why do you ask?"
"Seriously...you can't possibly still be tripping, won't you just tell me who you are?"
"You know that. I'm an angel and my name is Nicolai."
Felix groaned. "Angels aren't called Nicolai. They're called Gabriel, Michael, and Raphael."
"Does all of humanity get by with just three names? Then why do you think all angels are called either Gabriel, Raphael, or Michael?"
"I give up. Your name just doesn't sound like an angel. Don't they always end with an 'el'?"
Nicolai shrugged. "I've been called that ever since HE created me."
"Is it?" Felix asked. "Oh, so...IS it."
The angel nodded eagerly.
"So...what are you going to do now? I mean, you can't stay here forever."
"When you say forever, you don't really have a clue what that means," Nicolai smiled.
That smile made Felix weak. In fact, everything about Nicolai drove Felix crazy. He wanted him so badly. Angel or not. He wondered if angels were allowed to have sex with humans, but immediately became annoyed by this nonsensical question.
Nicolai grinned. "No, it isn't, but...who follows commandments anyway..."
"What?" asked Felix, opening his eyes in shock.
"You were just wondering if angels..."
"I know what I was wondering, but...how do you know? Can you read minds?" he snarled fiercely.
The angel stroked his hair. "Yes...sometimes, when I feel like it," he explained, sounding exaggeratedly bored.
»Oh yeah...what am I thinking right now?«
Nicolai shook his head. "That's so indecent that I don't want to say it."
"Because you don't know," Felix mumbled, his face red, trying to ignore the intrusive throbbing in his abdomen.
"I don't have to read your mind to know what you want. It's written all over your face, my dear, and...not only there. Unfortunately, I have to disappoint you. I'm the kind of angel who follows the rules...most of the time, anyway."
Felix gasped for air. His head was spinning, his entire body was tingling, and he felt his cock pressing painfully against his jeans.
Nicolai grinned dirtyly. "Now you need a cold shower, don't you?"
"For an angel, you know amazing things," Felix hissed.
"I watched people when I was bored."
"Go...get out of my room!"
"Oh, Felix," sighed the angel, "why don't you just ask me to help you with that," he pointed to the bulge in his pants.
"You'll have to wait a long time for that. Get out now."
Nicolai left, but came back after a few minutes.
"What's your name?"
"What name?"
"Don't act stupider than you are," demanded the angel, sitting on the edge of the bed with his legs crossed.
»Hanna.«
"Beautiful name...pretty girl. Why did you cheat on her?"
"I don't think that's any of your business."
"It's all my business," Nicolai explained haughtily. "So?"
"I don't know," Felix snapped, "I just felt like it."
"That's not an answer. I want to know why."
"Leave me in peace."
Nicolai sighed. "Tell me and I'll go."
"I don't know, okay? I was at a party and drunk...that's when it happened."
"Thank you...good night."
Felix tossed and turned restlessly in bed. He couldn't sleep; he kept thinking about the beautiful angel lying next to him. He wanted him. He wanted him like he'd never wanted anyone before. Felix snorted. This self-absorbed, annoying, snooty...
Damned angels. He had to laugh when he thought the word. Angels. Did he really believe this completely insane story? It was unbearable.
He stood up, slipped into his jeans and padded through the apartment.
"Can't you sleep?" a gentle voice sounded through the darkness.
Felix was startled. "Do you want my heart to stop?" he yelled and turned on the light.
Nicolai sat on the couch, his feet up on the table, and smiled. "Doesn't it always do that when you just look at me?"
"Let me tell you something? You're way too full of yourself."
"So you don't think I'm beautiful?"
"No."
"And you don't desire my body?"
"No."
"Because I'm not a woman?"
Felix laughed contemptuously. "I thought you could read my mind. Then you should know that I like guys too."
He bit his lip in shock. It was the first time he'd ever said it.
Until now, he hadn't even dared to think it.
“Oh, I’ve known that for a long time,” Nicolai explained, making a succinct gesture.
"Then why do you ask?"
He shrugged. "I wanted to keep the conversation going."
"You're not quite right in the head. Leave me alone."
"Why are you so reluctant?"
"Why don't you tell me?" Felix replied with a sweet smile.
"This is too exhausting for me. You can open your mouth for once."
Nicolai tilted his head to the side. "Would you like to see my wings, Felix?"
"I thought you didn't know where they went."
The angel looked boredly at his glass fingernails. "I lied."
"And...where are they? Did you hide them under the couch?" Felix's voice sounded amused.
"Look, you idiot," Nicolai replied, annoyed. "I want to reveal myself to you, a human being, and I have to listen to such stupid things."
"Oh...sorry, big angel."
Nicolai stood up and suddenly the room was filled with a whirring noise.
Felix involuntarily covered his ears and squinted his eyes because a dazzling light enveloped the angel.
But after just a few seconds it was all over, Nicolai sank exhausted onto the couch, Felix opened his eyes and stared at him.
No wings!
"I can't concentrate when you're so dismissive and mean," he explained, blushing profusely in an accusatory voice.
Felix's knees buckled; he could hardly believe what had just happened. He slowly collapsed to the floor, shakily running his hand through his brown hair.
"That...that...what was THAT?" he stammered. "What was that light? And that noise...oh shit..."
"You ruined everything," Nicolai said, a little more reproachfully and now visibly annoyed.
Suddenly, Felix burst into loud laughter. "Oh shit...you really can't do it."
"What a lousy angel..." he burst out laughing. And when he realized what he'd just said, he laughed even harder. "An angel...you really are an angel...I can't stand it. There's actually a stupid angel without wings sitting on my couch..."
"Yeah...add fuel to the fire," Nicolai hissed.
"You don't know how to extend your fucking wings," Felix laughed, wiping tears from his eyes.
Nicolai jumped up. "I know, you birdbrain. Spreading your wings... what a complete idiot," he hissed. "You... you don't deserve me to show you all my beauty."
Felix was shaken by another fit of laughter. "That...that's really cool...you're such a goddamn loser..."
"Stop swearing and...stop laughing at me," Nicolai shouted, his fists raised and his cheeks red with anger.
That was too much for Felix, he curled up on the floor and could hardly breathe.
The enraged angel stomped into the kitchen, filled the coffee pot with water, rumbled back into the living room and calmly and deliberately poured the contents of the pot over the laughing Felix.
He shook himself in shock and jumped up.
"Are you crazy?" He angrily grabbed the angel and tugged at the fabric of his shirt.
Nicolai fended him off and now also grabbed his opponent's neckline.
"Stop that," Nicolai hissed, "you don't stand a chance against me."
"We'll see about that," Felix hissed back, tearing himself free and jostling the angel across the room, pushing him. Nicolai gave him a shove, sending Felix to the floor, hitting his head on the edge of the table.
"You damn..."
Nicolai threw himself on him and pressed his throat with one hand.
"I asked you to stop."
Felix tried to free himself from the grip but the angel was incredibly strong.
Much stronger than a normal person, he noted, wheezing.
"Let me..."
The hand on his throat squeezed mercilessly. Felix writhed, swallowed desperately, and gasped for air. His legs kicked uncontrollably on the smooth parquet floor.
Suddenly Nicolai let go of him. He stared in shock at Felix, whose neck had been left with red marks by his fingers.
"Oh...I...I'm sorry," Nicolai stammered, trembling, and leaned against the couch.
"I'm so sorry," he repeated, putting his hands over his face and beginning to sob.
Felix gasped, grabbed his throat, coughed, and caught his breath. "Were you trying to kill me...or what?" His palms now touched the cold floor, and he propped himself up and crawled toward the trembling angel.
“I didn’t mean to do this,” Nicolai whispered, his voice choked with tears.
"God...I thought you were going to kill me." The back of his head fell onto the seat of the couch, and he placed a hand on his burning neck.
"I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Wow..." Felix said curtly. "Are all angels so damn strong?" He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and let his hand fall to the ground in exhaustion. A moment later, he felt the angel's soft hand. He wanted to push it away in panic, but the fingers caused no further pain, instead gently stroking his skin. Felix turned his head, opened his eyes, and saw Nicolai's face close to his own. His lips were slightly parted, still trembling a little.
"Forgive me..." he said very quietly and kissed him gently on the mouth.
"Why are you doing this?"
"I want you to love me," the angel answered softly, "now!"
Felix wanted nothing more, but he shook his head. "Forget it."
“Please,” Nicolai begged.
“No,” Felix replied harshly.
»Yes...please!«
"Is this like your foreplay? First half-strangle, then fuck?"
“You provoked me,” Nicolai defended himself.
"Yeah, exactly." Felix got to his feet. "Just stay away from me," he said as he walked out.
He threw himself onto the bed and lay there motionless. His heart was pounding so fast he was afraid it would burst out of his chest at any moment, his pulse was racing, his arms and legs were numb, his whole body was tingling. He wanted Nicolai, wanted him so badly, but if he started getting involved with him...where would that lead? He was scared to death. If he pulled himself together a little, these impossible feelings for the angel would go away, and everything would be okay again. He just couldn't think about him every minute.
Felix had just calmed down a bit when he suddenly heard the apartment door slam shut.
Frightened, he jumped up and ran through the apartment...it was empty. No sign of Nicolai.
Weak and tired, he trudged back to the bedroom.
So what, he thought to himself, he's gone. What the heck?! After all, I wanted him to leave all along. Finally, everything will be back to normal.
Still, he wondered where the angel might be. Would he really not come back? Would Felix never be able to look at his beautiful face again?
He felt his eyes begin to burn, become moist, and immediately tears stream down his cheeks. Hot, salty, and painful.