07-11-2025, 07:43 PM
I looked at the clock; it was already 11 p.m. Boring party.
Well, what else can you expect at these freshman events? Just kids fresh out of high school drinking.
In the last few semesters, however, I went there regularly; otherwise, I could always find somewhere to stay for the night.
I didn't want anything more after my ex had screwed me over so much. A five-year relationship, a civil partnership in the hope of salvaging something. It was his idea.
If only I'd known the real reason. His proposal came on my birthday. Unfortunately, it was already clear by then that my job wasn't going to last forever. Why?
I was working for an external company on a large project for an airline. We coordinated everything related to hardware, software, and networks worldwide. The pay was above average, but every project comes to an end. Well, there were still almost two years of work left.
As I said, he proposed to me after three and a half years of being together. We'd been fighting all day, and he was drinking like crazy. When he was drunk, he'd always come on to me – disgusting. Six months later, we went to the registry office, exactly four years to the day after we met.
Towards the end of the year, it became clear: we had lost the project, the tender for the successor. Man, I was at my wit's end. He comforted me. He drank, and he comforted me.
By July 1, 2004, I'd already been unemployed for a day. Social security plan, 130 people out of work. I hoped for consolation from my husband. And I got it. At least until July 3, when he broke up with me, drunk and grinning. Great: job gone, relationship gone – within two days.
I don't have to tell anyone that my world was falling apart. It was brief and painful. Two weeks later, the divorce was filed through a notary.
I was just the stupid cash cow. The "marriage proposal" only happened because he had already speculated on his share of the settlement. Gains, I guess that's what you call it. But he hadn't reckoned with the innkeeper – in the form of my lawyer. In the end, he came away empty-handed. I too – empty inside. I left northern Hesse and moved near Mannheim, closer to my parents.
But hate is a wonderful thing. The pain of the breakup didn't last long.
The pain went away, but the wall around my heart was quickly erected. Never again would some asshole like that hurt me. Never again.
But back to the party.
I was now in my fourth semester. Freshmen were always easy to find. But today? 11:30 p.m. and I hadn't found anything appealing yet. I was about to try Connex, a gay disco in Mannheim. My eyes searched for my colleagues; I had to say goodbye. But then I saw something:
5'11" tall, short black hair, and light blue eyes that studied me. At least until I looked over. "Handsome young fellow," I thought. Maybe a little young, but otherwise.
A tight, black shirt revealed a lot about his slim figure, while his chest and shoulders were somewhat more muscular. Definitely a swimmer.
"Come on, Michael. Attack!" I said to myself.
I turned briefly to the makeshift bar and called out, "2 beers for me! Hurry, Matze, it's urgent!"
Matthias turned around and grinned: "Aha. Have you found a new heart to break?"
"Stop that shit. If he goes for it, it's his own fault."
“Man, Micha, one day you’ll drag someone into misfortune.”
I just grumbled, took the two beers from Matze's hands, who shook his head at me, threw 4 euros on the counter and left.
Then I saw him, put on my most charming smile and started running.
"Hi, are you thirsty? I just had one too many beers, my buddy's nowhere to be seen," I said.
"Thank you," he said. A pleasant voice, very gentle. He smiled at me shyly.
“I’m Michael, but you can also call me Micha,” I said, holding out my hand.
"Daniel. But most people say Danny."
"Okay, Danny. So, how's the first semester?"
“Uh, I don’t study here, but a friend dragged me here.”
“And what else do you do?”
“High school,” came the short and succinct reply.
Oh Jesus, he's probably borderline old.
“And what are you doing?” came the reply.
"Third semester, roughly in the business administration direction." Shit, I usually just ask and don't get asked. Controlling the conversation has been my recipe for success so far.
Okay, let's interrupt the question and answer session for a moment, time for some eye contact.
“Cheers Danny,” I held out my glass to him.
"Cheers, Micha," he replied, clinking glasses with me. I looked deep into his eyes.
His reaction was promising. A shy glance back, a tentative smile, and, how sweet, a blush to his cheeks. Then it was time for some small talk again.
“How long do you have to wait?”
He looked at me questioningly.
“School,” I grinned.
"Oh, I'm still in 12th grade. But in two months it's the holidays and the final stretch begins."
SHIT! 12th grade. So he must have been 17 or 18, what did I know.
But that's easy to find out, especially since his beer was empty.
"Would you like something stronger to drink? Or would that be a crime?"
“Why is that punishable?” came the confused reply.
“Youth protection!” I replied with a smile.
He grinned back: “Don’t worry, I’ve been 18 for a few weeks now.”
On the day. "Whiskey Cola?"
He nodded. "Don't run away," I said, walking to the counter.
“Matze, two Jacky Cokes please.” He looked at me grimly.
"Micha, leave the little one alone. I know him. He's too good for your games."
“How do you know him?”
"He's in the same swimming club as Andreas. We chatted briefly over a Coke after practice. Nice and clever guy."
"Well, if he plays along, it's not my problem. So, bring me the stuff."
“Micha, sometimes I hate you.”
I shrugged and got the drinks. Another seven euros less in my pocket.
A hissed “asshole” flew after me.
"Here, Danny, enjoy. Cheers!"
“Cheers!” came the reply and we emptied our glasses in one go.
“I’m just going out and have a smoke,” I said to Danny.
“Wait, I’ll come with you,” he said.
“You smoke too?”
"No, but the air here is a bit stuffy. A few minutes outside won't hurt."
On the way out, I glanced briefly at Matze, and he looked back grimly.
Outside, we walked slowly to a bench near the bicycle parking spaces.
On the bench, I reached into my shirt pocket and fished for the box.
“You really don’t like them?” I asked him.
He thought for a moment and nodded. I held out the box to him, and he took one. I did the same and lit us.
“Stupid question, how old are you?” He looked at me.
“What do you think?” I replied.
"Phew, I don't know. Early twenties, maybe?"
How flattering, I grinned. "Not quite. Add another 10 years and then it'll be right."
“Phew,” he said, “I really wouldn’t have thought so.” He said this, took a quick drag on his cigarette, and promptly coughed.
I laughed: “Tell me, you don’t really smoke, do you?”
He looked at me a little embarrassed: “No, not really.”
Then he joined in my laughter.
By now it was past midnight, and although it was a warm April day, it was now noticeably colder. Danny seemed a little chilly.
So it's time to notice this obviously. "Are you cold?"
He nodded slightly. So far, so good. It was time for the next step.
“If you want, you can come closer.” His face turned slightly red again.
Kind of cute. I scold myself internally. There's nothing cute about it. He's due, and then he can go where the pepper grows.
I carefully placed my arm around his shoulders. He flinched briefly, but didn't react. Instead, he slid closer to me. His arm reached around me and rested on my hip. Slowly, he pulled himself closer to me.
"Better?"
He nodded shyly.
Okay, that went like clockwork. Time for the final phase.
„Danny?“
“And?”
“I noticed earlier that you were watching me.”
He swallowed, "Sorry, I didn't mean to." He tried to move away again, but I held him gently.
"Don't worry, it's okay. I liked it. I like you. Honestly, you saved my evening. I was about to go home until I saw you."
He looked at me sideways. "Are you serious? You're... gay too?"
"Why shouldn't I be serious? I'd like to get to know you better. And yes, I'm gay too."
And that wasn't even a lie, depending on how you define "closer."
He smiled at me. And suddenly I felt bad. At least for a moment.
I shook off the thought. No matter what, I wanted to have fun.
"You're cold too, aren't you?" He looked at me with worried eyes. Beautiful eyes. So gentle and deep.
"Something."
“Do you want to go back in?”
Attack!
"I'm sorry, Danny, but I don't want to go back in there. The air in there is disgusting. I think I'll go home."
“Okay...” He looked sad.
Won!
"What's up?"
Danny swallowed. "I don't know, I'd love to sit with you a little longer."
"Well, Danny, this isn't really my style, but if you want, if you really want, then you can come with me."
Something started to work behind his forehead. "But what about my buddy?"
“Just tell him.”
"So... okay. I'll just go in and tell him. Will you wait here?"
I grinned, “Nope.”
He looked at me in disbelief: “Why not?”
“Because my jacket is inside the wardrobe, and my car keys are in it,” I laughed.
“Idiot,” he grinned back.
“Thanks for the compliment,” I replied, nudging him in the hip.
Well, everything went smoothly. What bothered me was that Matze was still on my way to the jacket.
When he saw me without Danny, he seemed to breathe a brief sigh of relief. But I gave him a wicked grin, raised my thumb, and briefly mimed a steering motion.
Matze glared angrily and his lips formed a silent “Fuck you.”
He should do what he wanted.
The rest went quickly. I got my jacket quickly, and on my way to the exit, Matze ignored me.
Danny was already waiting at the door.
"Okay, let's go. I'll park outside in the big parking lot."
I wanted to start running, but then a hand timidly reached for mine.
Danny beamed at me: “Good, now we can.”
Damn, I really didn't need this queasy feeling in my stomach right now. He was so wonderfully naive and now even romantic – holding hands.
We quickly got into the car and drove through Mannheim at night. Soft, cozy blues, fresh from an MP3 CD, played from the speakers.
“I’m really glad I met you.” Danny almost whispered.
“Thanks, I feel the same way.”
He smiled at me again.
“Since when did you know you were gay?” I asked him.
He swallowed nervously. "I... uh, I don't know. I think forever. But really... I don't think it's been a year. And you?"
"About seven years, that's when I admitted it to myself. Otherwise, probably forever," I answered honestly. "Have you had a boyfriend yet, Danny?"
"Nope, there was someone once, but he was just trying to play a trick on me. A friend warned me about it in time. And when I said no, he immediately went after someone else. I liked him, and it hurt."
Shit. I have no idea why, but for a brief moment I felt guilty. The little guy was so trusting. "Bad luck," I interrupted myself irritably. No feelings. Never again.
“And what about you?” he asked back.
I swallowed hard. "Yes, but there was a nasty story involved. Sorry, but I don't want to talk about it. - Not yet." Not yet? Nonsense, he'll never hear that.
"Okay," he replied quietly. His hand rested comfortingly on my right leg. Damn, that felt good.
“Have you had any experiences yet?” I interrupted my thoughts.
Embarrassed, he looked away. "No, nothing. I'll wait for the right person with this." He looked at me.
Great. A sweet little virgin has a crush on me, and I have nothing better to do than break his heart. But haven't we all had to go through a tough school? Matze's face appeared before me. "Fuck off," I thought. Danny looked up, disturbed.
Shit, did I think that out loud? "Sorry, kid, I think I was thinking out loud. It wasn't about you, just a shadow from the past." "LIE!" I screamed at myself.
He nodded with relief and squeezed my hand a little tighter.
The short remainder of the drive was quiet. We were both silent. It was just after 1 a.m. when I parked the car in my parking space. Danny had his eyes closed.
“Hello Sleeping Beauty, we’re here.” He slowly opened his eyes.
"I don't think it was a good idea to bring you along. You should have gone home to bed."
“It’s okay, I almost always fall asleep in the car.”
“Would you like a coffee?”
“If it’s not too much trouble?”
"Nonsense, I have a Senseo. It makes itself."
“Thanks, I’ll take one then.”
“There’s just one problem, my dear Danny.”
“Which one?”
I laughed. "Well, get out of the car and into the apartment!" He laughed too.
No sooner said than done, we quickly walked the last 30 meters to the door and up the short flight of stairs. The mezzanine floor has its advantages. I then turned on the light in the hallway, and Danny looked around curiously. "It's beautiful here. So colorful."
"That was important to me. I don't like white walls. Only in the hallway and kitchen is the ceiling white; otherwise, there's a touch of color everywhere."
“You really have taste.”
"Thanks, Danny. I did all this together with my dad. I'm especially proud of that."
Shit (did someone count? This isn't the first time.^^). I don't usually get this private.
I sent Danny into the living room onto the couch and made the coffee, put milk and sugar on a small tray and went into the living room with it.
“Do you drink black?”
"Better with a splash of milk and a spoonful of sugar." Bingo, just like me. Exactly like me, in fact.
“To a nice evening,” I toasted him.
"A very nice evening," he replied. Oh, Danny, you won't be saying that anymore soon. But why did I feel so bad about it? No matter, the wall stays.
We chatted for a while. He told me about his school—he was one of the top students in his class; about his successful swimming career—he already had several trophies from various district leagues; and about his hobby, singing. But he didn't want to give me a taste just yet. "Now or never," I thought.
As the conversation progressed, we grew closer and closer, and around 3:30 the moment had come: he lost himself in my kiss, in the dance of our tongues.
Casually, my hand wandered under his shirt, gently stroking his flat stomach, then moving higher to his chest. His nipples were hard, and I gently stroked them.
A groaned sigh escaped his throat. There was hell going on in his pants.
I stopped the game. If I wasn't careful, he might become afraid of his own courage.
"Danny, I don't want to overwhelm you. If it's going too fast, say something."
Danny looked at me. His face was contorted with doubt and lust. It always seemed like the illusion of having a choice that he no longer had.
He gasped, "Micha, it feels so good, I want you." I picked him up and carried him into the bedroom, laid him gently on the bed, and lay next to him. He lay flat on his back, and I leaned over him. Then we sank into a passionate kiss again, our tongues dancing a wild dance. My hand worked on his shirt buttons. Piece by piece, I uncovered his torso. God, he looked good. Delicate and slim, but the fine muscles were firm and delicately defined. He had a gently tanned complexion, and a fresh scent emanated from him. I removed my lips from his and let them wander. They left a slightly moist trail on his neck before they thoroughly attended to his hard nipples. Danny was breathing heavily and pressed his body against me.
With lots of kisses, he drew me toward my belly button. It was a cute navel. Small and not too deep. His hands rested on my head and slid nervously through my hair. If he liked it that much...
With my right hand, I slid over the bulge in his dark jeans. He inhaled sharply. I pressed my lips to his "tent" and blew my breath through the fabric. A whimper came from him.
"Micha, stop! Please! I'm about to burst! Stop or I'll come!"
“Don’t you want to?” I whispered to him.
“Not yet, please, I don’t want it to stop.”
“Then it’s your turn, I’ll leave your little one alone.”
I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it in the corner. Danny let his shirt slide from his shoulders to the floor. He then quickly took off his jeans and socks.
Cute shorts, I thought. And quite exciting.
Then he fiddled with the buttons on my jeans. I helped him and took them off. His eyes widened. Unlike him, I wasn't wearing anything underneath.
“Wow,” he exclaimed, “This thing is...”
I grinned. "Don't worry, it looks worse than it is. But yours," I pointed at the boxer tent, "doesn't exactly seem to be a dwarf either."
“Idiot,” he giggled.
With light pressure, his hands forced me back onto the mattress, and he repeated what I had done to him before. Boy, he has talent. Well, not just talent. He drove me crazy. His tongue played with me. I closed my eyes and simply enjoyed it. Suddenly I flinched. He didn't, did he? Yes, he did. Almost greedily, he put his mouth over mine... "Oh God," I moaned, "And you say you've never done this before?" He winked at me cheekily, without even once releasing my cock. I pulled his head up. "Stop! Now, please!" This time it was me.
He smiled. "This is really my first time doing this. But... this is how I always imagined it."
"You're simply a natural. Dangerously good." He kissed me. "Thank you, Micha."
Again, that feeling came back, like a hand trying to crush my stomach. Stop! It's just sex!
I lay on my back with a pillow behind my neck.
"Danny, take off your shorts and," I pointed to my chest, "and move your sweet ass here."
Almost as if in a trance, he removed his last covering and hovered over my chest with his legs spread. I pulled him closer with my hands and...
At this point, I just want to say that the sex was truly fantastic. But since the climax is a very private moment...
Danny lay exhausted on top of me, his face beaming. One last kiss, a salty kiss. He snuggled up to me. "I never want to get up again," he sighed.
I don't want that either, screamed in my head. Something clicked inside me. Just a moment ago I wanted to hold him, but now I was back to my old self.
„Danny?“
“Yes, Micha?” he smiled happily.
"Danny, pack your clothes and get out of here! And stay away from me!"
His eyes widened. "Man, that's not funny!" his voice trembled.
"Right. I wasn't joking! Pack your clothes and get out of here! It was nice meeting you, you're talented. Good night."
His eyes moistened. Tears streamed down his face. "Please tell me this isn't true. Micha, please... I, I've fallen in love with you!"
"You're a stupid and naive boy. The world is bad and now," my voice rose to a roar, "GET OUT OF THERE!"
He started crying bitterly. And it hurt me. But it had to be done. I had to protect myself. It was just a little fuck. He was good, but that was it.
I didn't believe myself.
"You miserable bastard," he said pitifully. He stumbled out of bed, gathered his clothes, and got dressed, crying. I lit a cigarette and pretended not to see his pleading look. Damn it, one word from me and he'd be back in my arms. Could I really let him go? I looked at him – cold and expressionless. He swayed briefly, his knees seemed to give way. I flinched and tried to jump up, to support him, but he caught himself.
He rubbed his eyes and turned around. With his back to me, he said, "I was so stupid. I wanted you, and I thought you wanted me too. Sleeping with you was my greatest gift. But you used it, me, and threw me away. I hate you, but you don't care! You're the meanest, coldest asshole I've ever met! Go rot as a lonely person! You're poor."
Then he left my apartment. I could still hear his sobs.
His sobs? No. It wasn't his. I heard myself. I was crying.
What had I ever done? He had been good to me. I had opened up over coffee in the living room, told him a lot. God, I hated myself. Hated my ex. He had destroyed me permanently, turned me into a monster.
Danny, come back, damn it, come back. I couldn't run after him. I was too cowardly now—no matter. I didn't know his last name, I didn't know where he lived, and I didn't have his number either. Damn it—damn it! I hoped he knew how to get home, I hoped nothing would happen to him. He wouldn't hurt himself, would he?
I lay awake all night. Matze appeared in my mind. "I warned you, Micha, you'll get your comeuppance someday." I deserved it.
New SMS
I lay in bed until 10:00 without having slept a second. A wonderful Saturday awaited me. My eyes burned, my pillow was soaked.
Up until now, no one had been particularly happy when I'd kicked them out at night, but it had always left me cold. And apart from a "jerk" or something similar, I never really got much out of it. But Danny... he had touched me. Inside. The boy was something special. "Asshole, bastard," I couldn't think of any better names for myself.
It was 11. Suddenly, something rang. A short beep. Text message? But my phone sounds different, doesn't it?
I looked at the floor. Was something lying there? A cell phone. HIS cell phone. And, oh God, his keys. It must have fallen out of his pocket. I picked up the phone. Sure enough. A text message. From Andreas? Not my friend Andreas, the one from Danny's swim club. Matze had mentioned him yesterday.
I couldn't help myself and pressed "Read"
-----15.04.2006, Andreas----
YOU MISERABLE BUM! I'LL KILL YOU.
DANNY DID NOT DESERVE THIS, YOU
SELFISH, MISERY ASSHOLE. THAT'S IT
FOR US, AND THAT'S WHAT I CALLED A FRIEND!
MAKE SURE YOU HAVE HIS CELL PHONE AND KEYS
YOU CREATE RAT.
-----------------------------------
Wonderful. That hit home. I deserved it.
A suspicious buzzing sounded next to my ear. Driven by the vibrating alarm, my phone danced on the nightstand.
Matthias calls. Shit, please not Matze too. Dejected, I pushed him away.
But he didn't give up; he called again immediately. It was pointless anyway. So I answered.
"Matze?" My voice was dull and shaky. His wasn't.
“YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” it yelled at me.
“Matze please hear...”
“I’m done with you,” he interrupted me.
"Wow..."
"How do I know? Andi just called me. He was on his way to training, you jerk! Danny was sitting in front of the pool, crying, frozen to the bone. He couldn't go home, his parents are on vacation, and his key is probably with some goddamn idiot... there's no word for you that even comes close to describing my anger. And he couldn't call anyone either. I assume his phone is with you, too?"
He seemed to be waiting for an answer.
Yes, I wanted to say, but nothing came out except a pitiful sob.
“Micha?” Matthias was suddenly quiet.
It was over, I cried uncontrollably into the phone.
"Micha, damn it, what's going on? I don't know you like that."
"Ma... Matze, shit, I... oh God, I'm an asshole. Dirty, all dirty."
And continued to cry.
"Shit, Micha, I'm coming over. I'd love to beat you to death, but I want to see that happen. It hurts to take your own medicine, right?"
“Matze, I’m sorry.”
“15 minutes, Micha. And then I want a coffee!”
And then he hung up.
I mechanically grabbed shorts and a fresh shirt from my closet and staggered into the kitchen. This time I boiled a pot of coffee, using a regular machine.
No sooner was the coffee ready than the sound of my doorbell shattered the silence of my apartment.
I pressed the opener, and quick footsteps trotted toward the door. As soon as I turned the handle, the door flew open.
Matthias looked me in the eyes, and his angry expression changed to one of great surprise.
"Why the hell are you crying? You had what you wanted, you ripped the little one's heart out. You played with him and," Matze calmed down a little, "took from him what he wanted to give to his first love. What he gave to you."
Now his eyes also became moist. "Micha, damn it, say something. What's going on here?"
"Matze..." my voice was weak and shaky, "I'm scared. Afraid of falling in love. You know the story."
"Damn it, I know the story. But you don't have the right to take anything and everything and make them pay for your ex."
"Please forgive me..."
"You stupid asshole, you cowardly bitch! I don't have to forgive you for anything. Danny is your victim. You ruined the little guy. And he's young. Your ex played a terrible game with you, but you were able to handle it completely differently. Maybe you turned Danny into just such an unfeeling monster."
I was speechless. Matze was right, I realized that myself tonight. I was Danny's first, he had trusted me. And it wasn't just sex. I felt so damn good around him.
“I fell in love with him.”
“Shit Micha, you only love yourself.”
"No. I'm in love with Danny. I realized that yesterday, before we got into bed. I felt comfortable and safe. And then, shit, I panicked."
Matze stared at me, stunned. "Pinch me, I don't believe this."
"Everything's ruined. He'll hate me, he has to hate me. And he's right. You should have seen him standing here in front of my bed, that pleading look, hoping I'd play a dirty joke on him. His words as he left; I'll never forget them. Not a word of them."
“And... and what did he say?”
"His words were, 'I was so stupid. I wanted you, and I thought you wanted me too. Sleeping with you was my greatest gift. But you used it, me, and threw me away. I hate you, but you don't care! You're the meanest, coldest asshole I've ever met! Go rot as a lonely person! You're poor.'"
Matze swallowed bitterly: “Sorry Micha, but you deserve this.”
I showed him Andreas's text message. Matze sank thoughtfully into a kitchen chair.
"Okay... Danny needs his things back as soon as possible. If you want, give them to me and I'll return them to him. That should be best for everyone."
I shook my head. "No, Matze, I have to do this. I owe it to him. Maybe..."
“Maybe what?”
“Maybe there’s still something to be salvaged.”
“Micha... you don’t really believe that, do you?”
“I have to try.”
“Andreas is killing you.”
"Probably. But does he have to be there?"
“Do you seriously think Andi will let you go after Danny alone?”
“Can you talk to him? Maybe it will work if you come along instead.”
"You're asking for too much. Micha, really. This is too much. I may not be yelling anymore, but I'm furious!"
"Please. I mean it. I want to do everything I can to make this right."
“Michael...”
"Please..." It was useless, the tears returned. "Please, Matze..."
"Damn it, I hate you! I'm going to the living room and talk to Andi. And then I need a coffee, black."
Without a word he went into the living room.
The call
“Hello Matze, what’s up?”
"Andi, I need to talk to you. Is Danny still with you?"
"Where else is he supposed to go? But that asshole will pay for it."
“He’s already paying!”
“What’s going on, where are you?”
"*sigh* Damn asshole. He was crying like a wolf on the phone..."
"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? He was crying, great. Have you forgotten who the victim is here?"
"Andi, listen! It's different than we think. I've been taking Micha to task. He's sitting here like a pile of shit, crying all the time and saying he's in love."
“Whom should he love but himself?”
„Danny!“
"You don't believe him, do you? He's just kidding you and wants to get out of trouble!"
"I don't think so. He's whining in my ear, it's not an act. I offered to take the phone and the key and give them to Danny."
“You want to make it easy for him, too, huh?”
"No. But it doesn't matter. He doesn't want that. He wants to take responsibility for it himself. However..."
Matze took a break.
“But what?”
"All right. He wants Danny to meet with him and me."
"YES, let him come. Then I'll flatten him."
"Andi, I want you to take Danny to Climax in an hour. And then I want you to leave."
"Are you crazy? I'm not letting that jerk go after Danny alone."
"I'm in. Micha wants to apologize. He's insulting himself worse than I am insulting him. Believe me, it's hit him. Really. And somehow... I hope there's still a chance for the two of them. And don't tell me it's over for Danny. He still loves him."
"I don't like this. Not at all."
“I don’t feel well either.”
"Wait. I'll talk to Danny. He has to decide. But I'll tell him what I think."
„Okay. Mach.“
Two minutes later.
"Matze, in an hour at Climax. I won't be there. But if anything goes wrong, Lucio will call me and I'll be there two minutes later."
*** Note: Lucio is the owner and host of Climax ***
Matze went back to the kitchen, where a coffee was already waiting for him. Micha looked at him expectantly.
"Go to the bathroom, freshen up, and get dressed. We're expected at Climax in 60 minutes. Hurry, time's running out."
“Thank you! Thank you.”
"I'm not doing this for YOU. I'm doing this for Danny, and for me. I should have warned the little guy, but I didn't think he'd actually fall for you. You're just too good with that."
"Thanks anyway!"
“All right, get it done.”
***
Matze had made it. Almost in high spirits, I rushed into the bathroom and treated myself to a quick shower, fiddled with my hair a bit, and changed into something fresh. Jeans and a T-shirt were enough. And in less than 20 minutes, we were at my car.
"Micha, forget it. I won't let you drive. I'll drive your car."
That's fine with me, my legs were shaking anyway, not a good prerequisite.
At the edge of town, I just remembered the flower shop.
“Matze, please pull over quickly!”
He did. "Just wait, I'll be right back!"
I jumped out of the car and ran into the flower shop. Roses, where are the damn roses? Then I found them, grabbed a dozen, and rushed to the checkout.
“Hi Micha,” Gabriele greeted me, “Is it Mother’s Day again?” She grinned.
“No, they’re not for my mom. Please hurry, it’s urgent.”
45 seconds later I was back in the car.
"Roses... I can't believe it! Macho Micha is buying roses!" Matze was stunned.
“I didn’t know what else to bring.”
“Cell phone and keys?”
Damn, I completely forgot about that. "Matze, hurry, we have to get back to my place, I forgot!"
"Don't worry, I brought them with me. I thought you'd forget them."
"You're truly a friend. Thank you."
“Micha, you don’t really deserve a boyfriend.”
We drove off in silence. We had five minutes to reach our destination, and no parking space in sight. I nervously drummed my fingers on my leg.
"Micha, keep your fingers still. All that knocking is getting on my nerves."
I did as I was told, and Matze found a suitable gap.
One more minute. I took the flowers and Matze gave me the rest. Quickly to the climax.
We entered the store right after the 60 minutes were up. I kept the flowers hidden behind my back. No sign of Danny. Lucio saw us and gave me a dark look. His head pointed toward the back left corner.
My heart was pounding. Danny was sitting there with his back to me. Andi had kept his word and was already gone.
I walked slowly ahead, Matze close behind me. Danny didn't notice us. His gaze was fixed on the tabletop. I carefully sat down opposite him and placed the flowers on the floor behind me. Matze stopped between us and cleared his throat loudly, and Danny jumped up.
His eyes were still red and tear-stained, his face looked pale and gaunt.
When he saw me, new tears were already streaming down his face. I did the same.
"Danny..., you have to believe me. Shit, you don't have to believe anything I say! I've messed up too much for that. But I want you to believe that I'm really..." my voice turned into a whiny sob, "really sorry. With all my heart."
Danny just forced a "why" past his lips. "How could you do this to me? I begged you, and you laughed at me. It hurt. Damn hurt. It hurts. I see you lying there again and again, and you hurt me. Then you chase me out into the night, I have no idea where I am, I stumble across a taxi and it takes me to the train station. The next train left two hours later, I had nothing. I couldn't call, couldn't get into my apartment. And I felt dirty. Dirty and used. And I felt you laughing at me, the whole damn time. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do? WHY the hell?" He screamed "why" and tears streamed from his eyes. Lucio jumped towards us, but Matze nodded briefly, everything was okay.
"Danny, when you were gone... I didn't laugh. I hated myself. I was so scared."
“What were you afraid of, me?”
"From my feelings. I felt so comfortable with you. But I don't want... no, I never wanted to fall in love again. You once asked me about a relationship in the car. But I didn't want to tell you anything. It all has to do with that. I got my heart broken back then, too, and I wanted to get revenge. But to you, I'm sorry. It was like that from the beginning. But I couldn't get away from myself. I hope you can understand someday."
Lucio came to the table and looked down at me grimly. "Michael, what do you want?"
"Three coffees. One black and the others with a spoonful of sugar and a dash of milk."
Lucio nodded briefly and disappeared.
For a brief moment, I saw one corner of Danny's mouth twitch upward. "At least you didn't forget that."
"I haven't forgotten anything, nothing at all. And when I think of your last words, my heart clenches."
Danny said nothing.
"I acted like a callous pig and hurt you. And I'm sorry. I care about you."
“Danny,” Matze chimed in, “and he’s afraid Andi will beat him up badly.”
Danny laughed. "I don't think Andi can do it. Micha has some advantages on his side."
Advantages? Well, I'm not exactly short. 6'4" isn't short. I also do martial arts and a lot of other things, so I'm not weak. But still, I just had to get something straight.
"Danny, maybe. But I would have let Andi do it. I deserve it."
"I wouldn't have just 'let him do it.' It's basically none of his business." Danny sounded a little more forceful.
Matze tapped me on the shoulder and whispered that I was forgetting something.
“Wait a minute.” I rummaged in my bag and pulled out my phone and keys, placing them on the table next to Danny.
"Thanks."
Lucio brought the coffee. We took a sip.
“Danny, I have something else...”
And Matze intervened again. "Sorry, girls, can I leave you alone for a moment? You don't look like all hell's about to break loose in the next few minutes."
Danny and I nodded.
“Okay, see you soon.” And then he disappeared.
“Do you have anything else for me?”
“Yes...” I took a deep breath and reached behind me.
Danny stared at the bunch of roses. He took them somewhat hesitantly.
“Danny, I fell in love with you and completely messed it up.”
"Hmmm-hmmm. You did. And... I need some time. I still have feelings for you. But last night... I can't just forget it. It hurts. Please leave me alone for a while and think about it. I'll get back to you. Okay?"
"Okay. Take your time."
Danny picked up his things and stood up. "See you soon, Micha."
“See you soon, little one.”
He came over briefly, put his hand on my shoulder somewhat hesitantly, and left. Then he was gone. I couldn't think of anything better to do than cry into my coffee a little longer until Matze came back in. "So?" he asked.
“He’ll get in touch when he’s thought about it.”
Matze nodded. "By the way, Andi was waiting outside the store and he's taking Danny home. I chatted with him a bit. He won't hurt you anymore. He even felt a little sorry for you. You don't see our macho faggot crying every day."
“Well, thanks for the flowers.”
"Feel free to complain. If you prefer 'unprincipled wanker' to 'macho faggot,' then feel free to have that."
"Touché, you win. You kind-hearted straight guy."
“Don’t screw it up again if you get the chance.”
"Yes. If I get it."
"You'll get it. The little guy is hopelessly in love with you. Doesn't exactly speak for his taste, but otherwise he's okay."
Saturday, 3 p.m. in Mannheim. The weekend is over for me.
Matze drove me home and then set off on his own.
I fell into bed and pressed my face against the pillow where Danny had lain last night. It smelled of him. I cried myself into a deep sleep.
On Sunday, I woke up. It was already 7 p.m. I quickly got myself up and made myself a snack, drank a bottle of water for my dry throat, and marched to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth, went to the toilet, and then fell back into bed. I dreamed about Danny. As he was about to kiss me, I was rudely awakened by the shrill beeping of my alarm clock.
University day: I dragged myself to the bathroom, took a quick shower, and did my makeshift routine. After a quick cup of coffee, I headed off to university. I could have skipped the trip, though; I didn't notice anything. My fellow students stared at me strangely. No wonder, no one had ever seen me so worn out. Unshaven, my hair a mess, and the apathetic, empty expression in my eyes. I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. Words penetrated my ears as if through cotton wool and faded away unheard. Robot, yes, I was like a robot on autopilot.
Then I saw someone point at me and someone say something like, “Yes, that’s Michael.”
Suddenly a little boy came running towards me and suddenly his fist hit me in the face.
“For Danny, you bum!”
The blow didn't hurt so much physically, but it hurt terribly inside.
“You’re the friend he was here with on Friday?” I asked dully.
Glaring grimly, he nodded.
"If you like, go ahead and hit me again. It won't hit the wrong person." He stared at me in disbelief.
“You’re really not quite right in the head,” he said, and walked away, shaking his head.
Everyone looked over at me, completely astonished.
"What are you staring at? Man, punch me!" I yelled at first, but my voice got quieter with every word.
But it worked, the others moved away, no one spoke to me anymore.
The whole week followed the same pattern. On Wednesdays, during karate training, I had to take a lot of punishment.
“Man, Micha, be careful, or I’ll hurt you,” said Gabriel, my training partner, after his hand hit me rather roughly on the chest and I swayed slightly.
“Sorry, I was just distracted.”
"But that wasn't the first hit. Man, no, there's no point with you today!"
And then our trainer called me into his office.
"Michael, what's wrong? Are you craving pain right now? Man, it almost looks like you're letting yourself get beaten on purpose."
“Klaus, I’m sorry, I’m not on the ball today.”
"Not on the ball? A very charming understatement. Pack your clothes and go home. I don't want to have to call an ambulance. And if you want to talk, you know where I am."
“That’s not necessary, I’ll pull myself together.”
“Move and get out, no arguments, that’s my final word!”
I gave up and did as he said. "See you next week, Sensei."
Klaus was right, my chest was already hurting from Gabriel's blows, which I couldn't or didn't want to dodge.
It was a just punishment. And still no sign of Danny. Inwardly, I'd almost given up on him. I wouldn't come back to myself.
With a cigarette in my mouth, I walked through the rain to the car.
At home, I was running a bath and my phone rang. "Unknown caller" flashed on the display.
I pressed the green button. "Sprengel?"
No answer. "Hello, who is this?"
There was a brief crackle and my phone displayed “call ended.”
Great. And then the doorbell rang again. This time it was Matze.
“Matze...”
"What's wrong with you? Gabriel called a few minutes ago, asking if I knew what was wrong with you. I didn't say anything, even though there are so many things wrong with you."
"Thanks. Yes, I'm a completely disturbed being, currently depressed, and pining over a guy. Anything else?" came the reply, more sharply than I intended.
"That won't change for now. Danny's still not sure what to do."
“He’s still angry?”
"Stupid question. But actually, not really. He's afraid you'll change your mind again. Even if he may have forgiven you, nothing is forgotten."
“Matze, I can’t stand it, I miss him.”
"Tell me, are you still in your right mind? Who cares how YOU feel! No, my dear, you alone are responsible for that."
I couldn't say anything more, the tears came back and I cried into the phone again.
"Man, Micha, sorry. That was a little harsh of me, I'm sorry."
"You're right. I really regret what I did, and I could punch myself all the time. Danny's friend did it on Monday, too. I wish he'd kept going."
"Is that why you let Gabriel hit you? You're crazy."
"Guilty."
I could "hear" a slight grin from Matze: "Idiot. I'll talk to Andi, he's with Daniel almost every day."
"Thanks, Matze. I hope you can forgive me someday."
"To be honest, I'm not mad at you anymore. Yeah, sure, I hated you on Friday. But maybe it was a good thing the way it happened."
“Good?” I laughed bitterly. “What’s good about that?”
"Because apparently the person Michael has resurfaced, and not just the 'fucking machine'. Do you actually have any idea how bad your reputation has become?"
"I can guess. Matze, sorry, but I have to go to the tub. Gabriel really landed some nice hits. And thanks again. Friends?"
“Friends... on one condition!”
"Which?"
"Stay human, Michael. Show more emotion and forget about your ex. He's history. Don't let anyone pay for their mistakes anymore. Okay?"
“I promise you,” I said weakly.
"Good. Friends!" His voice sounded much calmer and more relaxed.
“Thank you, I don’t deserve you.”
"You're right. But you're well on your way."
"Well then. Okay, I'm going to take a bath. I'll talk then. Bye, Matze!"
"Yup, we do. Take care and cheer up, big guy." We hung up, and a short time later, I was relaxing in the hot tub.
Still, by Friday at the latest, even my mother wouldn't have recognized me. I was still unshaven and tired. I was on my last legs. Since Wednesday, I hadn't heard from Matze, Andi, or even Danny. No one answered my calls.
I even started praying.
But here too there was no answer.
Nothing from the week's lectures stuck. It was all pointless.
I just went back to bed. 5 p.m. is late enough, so I can go to sleep in peace.
At some point, my phone rang. A glance at the alarm clock told me it was almost 9 p.m. A glance at the display... Andi?
“Yes?” I mumbled weakly.
“Micha, you sound like shit.”
“Well, then I sound better than I feel.”
"If someone had told me last week that you were getting so depressed because of a guy, I would have laughed at them."
"Depression? I'd love to be. That would be better than now."
"Now prick up your ears, girl, and stop whining in my ear. I'll be over in 45 minutes. Use the time to get yourself back to normal. So shower, shave, and do something with your hair. A mop doesn't suit you."
"Huh?"
"Clean up! That's an order. 45 minutes. And if you don't finish, I'll beat the hell out of you, got it?"
„Okay.“
"Okay? Man, you wouldn't let this happen otherwise. Micha, please. Just do it."
What? He said please.
"45 minutes, all right. I'll manage, somehow."
"See you then."
"See you later!"
I actually finished on time, and I even looked almost like myself again. A little pale around the nose, but otherwise okay.
"Dress up," he said. I reached for my white jeans and tight blue silk shirt. The white slippers and denim jacket in the same color also matched them.
A quick glance in the mirror. Almost. I quickly fixed a few of my blonde strands with some gel. The doorbell rang. Perfect.
With just a few simple steps, I had everything else together: keys, cell phone, and cigarettes.
Andi was already waiting impatiently, and I climbed into the passenger seat. He looked me up and down. "If I weren't straight, I could almost understand what Danny sees in you," he grinned.
"Thanks for the flowers. But whether he still finds something special in me is unclear. I would understand. This week has been hell so far." Somehow, I didn't notice this strange allusion.
"You've earned this week. But don't worry about it and wait until the evening."
Then I set off. Soon, my destination was clear: I was heading back to Climax.
When Lucio saw us, he greeted us warmly, even me. Something was going on here, and I smiled. A faint suspicion crept in.
Andi led me to a lovingly decorated table for two. A bouquet of red roses graced the center. Andi pointed to a chair, pulled it back a little, and let me sit down. What was this supposed to be? A date with Andi? Right? But he just grinned, wished me a nice evening, and disappeared. Great.
Lucio approached me, holding a tray with two glasses, presumably Prosecco. Someone was still behind him.
Danny!
He sat down on the other chair and looked at me. And he smiled while Lucio served the sparkling water.
“Danny, I…”
He put a finger to my mouth. "Don't say anything. I've been thinking about you for a long time. Andi told me how you let yourself go. At first, I didn't care. But... he really stood up for you. You really meant it."
Andi had done that? Wow.
“Micha, I’m sorry, but I can’t help it…”
My heart sank, and the pitiful remaining color drained from my face. Okay, I deserved that. He, wait, but why did he say that about Andi? Or was this revenge? First give hope, then stab the heart with a knife?
I felt sick, tears welled up in my eyes.
“Are you not feeling well?”
Yes, feel free to mock me. You learned quickly, little one. You figured out how my weapons work.
“Micha, please listen to me.”
YES damn it, rip my heart out!
“Please, make it short,” I croak hoarsely.
"No. I don't want to make it short. I want it to be forever."
I want to get out of here. But my body is failing me. I can't move.
“Please don’t break down on me now.” He looks at me worriedly.
"Well, I just can't help it. I have to give you a chance. Or I'll die."
Dump him? No, that wasn't it. Did he say "chance"?
"Micha? Say something! God, don't faint!"
Where has he gone? He's no longer in the chair. Something is clutching my hand. His hand! He's kneeling next to me?
"Micha? Damn it, talk! I forgive you. I want to be with you!"
My heart is racing. I can't think. I want to say something, but something weighs on my lips. Black lines dance before my eyes. Hair. Black hair? The weight on his lips is a soft weight. His lips.
„Danny?“
"Yes, it's me. Did you listen to me?"
“Wake me up, please.”
“You’re awake, you idiot.”
The blur in front of my eyes disappears, the cotton wool is no longer in my ear. My senses return.
„Danny?“
He was starting to seem a little scared.
"Micha, are you not feeling well? Please don't freak out. I love you!"
I smiled: “I love you too!”
Danny threw his arms around my neck and kissed me again. People were clapping and...
Lucio ruined the moment by grinning and playing the fanfare of “Eye of the Tiger.”
Life is hard but unfair. ^^
As compensation, the nasty Italian served us the "honeymoon platter." I have no idea what was on it, but it was delicious. We fed each other, or kissed, or fed each other, and so on and so forth.
At some point the clock struck 2. And Andi stood before us and bowed.
"Gentlemen, this establishment would like to close and has therefore ordered the Honeymoon Express. Would you please make your way to the exit?"
“Very well, Gustave,” Danny giggled.
This time we both "had to" go back. Danny immediately hung halfway on top of me and kissed me passionately. His tongue nearly drove me crazy.
Andi suddenly hissed: "There are a few rules here: don't undress, no stains on the seat, and wait until you get home, okay?"
“Yes sir!” Danny again.
“Good, we understand each other.”
The journey soon ended and we were finally able to indulge in the long-awaited reconciliation.
Did I kick him out again after that night? With all due respect, I may be a jerk, but I'm not an idiot.
Well, what else can you expect at these freshman events? Just kids fresh out of high school drinking.
In the last few semesters, however, I went there regularly; otherwise, I could always find somewhere to stay for the night.
I didn't want anything more after my ex had screwed me over so much. A five-year relationship, a civil partnership in the hope of salvaging something. It was his idea.
If only I'd known the real reason. His proposal came on my birthday. Unfortunately, it was already clear by then that my job wasn't going to last forever. Why?
I was working for an external company on a large project for an airline. We coordinated everything related to hardware, software, and networks worldwide. The pay was above average, but every project comes to an end. Well, there were still almost two years of work left.
As I said, he proposed to me after three and a half years of being together. We'd been fighting all day, and he was drinking like crazy. When he was drunk, he'd always come on to me – disgusting. Six months later, we went to the registry office, exactly four years to the day after we met.
Towards the end of the year, it became clear: we had lost the project, the tender for the successor. Man, I was at my wit's end. He comforted me. He drank, and he comforted me.
By July 1, 2004, I'd already been unemployed for a day. Social security plan, 130 people out of work. I hoped for consolation from my husband. And I got it. At least until July 3, when he broke up with me, drunk and grinning. Great: job gone, relationship gone – within two days.
I don't have to tell anyone that my world was falling apart. It was brief and painful. Two weeks later, the divorce was filed through a notary.
I was just the stupid cash cow. The "marriage proposal" only happened because he had already speculated on his share of the settlement. Gains, I guess that's what you call it. But he hadn't reckoned with the innkeeper – in the form of my lawyer. In the end, he came away empty-handed. I too – empty inside. I left northern Hesse and moved near Mannheim, closer to my parents.
But hate is a wonderful thing. The pain of the breakup didn't last long.
The pain went away, but the wall around my heart was quickly erected. Never again would some asshole like that hurt me. Never again.
But back to the party.
I was now in my fourth semester. Freshmen were always easy to find. But today? 11:30 p.m. and I hadn't found anything appealing yet. I was about to try Connex, a gay disco in Mannheim. My eyes searched for my colleagues; I had to say goodbye. But then I saw something:
5'11" tall, short black hair, and light blue eyes that studied me. At least until I looked over. "Handsome young fellow," I thought. Maybe a little young, but otherwise.
A tight, black shirt revealed a lot about his slim figure, while his chest and shoulders were somewhat more muscular. Definitely a swimmer.
"Come on, Michael. Attack!" I said to myself.
I turned briefly to the makeshift bar and called out, "2 beers for me! Hurry, Matze, it's urgent!"
Matthias turned around and grinned: "Aha. Have you found a new heart to break?"
"Stop that shit. If he goes for it, it's his own fault."
“Man, Micha, one day you’ll drag someone into misfortune.”
I just grumbled, took the two beers from Matze's hands, who shook his head at me, threw 4 euros on the counter and left.
Then I saw him, put on my most charming smile and started running.
"Hi, are you thirsty? I just had one too many beers, my buddy's nowhere to be seen," I said.
"Thank you," he said. A pleasant voice, very gentle. He smiled at me shyly.
“I’m Michael, but you can also call me Micha,” I said, holding out my hand.
"Daniel. But most people say Danny."
"Okay, Danny. So, how's the first semester?"
“Uh, I don’t study here, but a friend dragged me here.”
“And what else do you do?”
“High school,” came the short and succinct reply.
Oh Jesus, he's probably borderline old.
“And what are you doing?” came the reply.
"Third semester, roughly in the business administration direction." Shit, I usually just ask and don't get asked. Controlling the conversation has been my recipe for success so far.
Okay, let's interrupt the question and answer session for a moment, time for some eye contact.
“Cheers Danny,” I held out my glass to him.
"Cheers, Micha," he replied, clinking glasses with me. I looked deep into his eyes.
His reaction was promising. A shy glance back, a tentative smile, and, how sweet, a blush to his cheeks. Then it was time for some small talk again.
“How long do you have to wait?”
He looked at me questioningly.
“School,” I grinned.
"Oh, I'm still in 12th grade. But in two months it's the holidays and the final stretch begins."
SHIT! 12th grade. So he must have been 17 or 18, what did I know.
But that's easy to find out, especially since his beer was empty.
"Would you like something stronger to drink? Or would that be a crime?"
“Why is that punishable?” came the confused reply.
“Youth protection!” I replied with a smile.
He grinned back: “Don’t worry, I’ve been 18 for a few weeks now.”
On the day. "Whiskey Cola?"
He nodded. "Don't run away," I said, walking to the counter.
“Matze, two Jacky Cokes please.” He looked at me grimly.
"Micha, leave the little one alone. I know him. He's too good for your games."
“How do you know him?”
"He's in the same swimming club as Andreas. We chatted briefly over a Coke after practice. Nice and clever guy."
"Well, if he plays along, it's not my problem. So, bring me the stuff."
“Micha, sometimes I hate you.”
I shrugged and got the drinks. Another seven euros less in my pocket.
A hissed “asshole” flew after me.
"Here, Danny, enjoy. Cheers!"
“Cheers!” came the reply and we emptied our glasses in one go.
“I’m just going out and have a smoke,” I said to Danny.
“Wait, I’ll come with you,” he said.
“You smoke too?”
"No, but the air here is a bit stuffy. A few minutes outside won't hurt."
On the way out, I glanced briefly at Matze, and he looked back grimly.
Outside, we walked slowly to a bench near the bicycle parking spaces.
On the bench, I reached into my shirt pocket and fished for the box.
“You really don’t like them?” I asked him.
He thought for a moment and nodded. I held out the box to him, and he took one. I did the same and lit us.
“Stupid question, how old are you?” He looked at me.
“What do you think?” I replied.
"Phew, I don't know. Early twenties, maybe?"
How flattering, I grinned. "Not quite. Add another 10 years and then it'll be right."
“Phew,” he said, “I really wouldn’t have thought so.” He said this, took a quick drag on his cigarette, and promptly coughed.
I laughed: “Tell me, you don’t really smoke, do you?”
He looked at me a little embarrassed: “No, not really.”
Then he joined in my laughter.
By now it was past midnight, and although it was a warm April day, it was now noticeably colder. Danny seemed a little chilly.
So it's time to notice this obviously. "Are you cold?"
He nodded slightly. So far, so good. It was time for the next step.
“If you want, you can come closer.” His face turned slightly red again.
Kind of cute. I scold myself internally. There's nothing cute about it. He's due, and then he can go where the pepper grows.
I carefully placed my arm around his shoulders. He flinched briefly, but didn't react. Instead, he slid closer to me. His arm reached around me and rested on my hip. Slowly, he pulled himself closer to me.
"Better?"
He nodded shyly.
Okay, that went like clockwork. Time for the final phase.
„Danny?“
“And?”
“I noticed earlier that you were watching me.”
He swallowed, "Sorry, I didn't mean to." He tried to move away again, but I held him gently.
"Don't worry, it's okay. I liked it. I like you. Honestly, you saved my evening. I was about to go home until I saw you."
He looked at me sideways. "Are you serious? You're... gay too?"
"Why shouldn't I be serious? I'd like to get to know you better. And yes, I'm gay too."
And that wasn't even a lie, depending on how you define "closer."
He smiled at me. And suddenly I felt bad. At least for a moment.
I shook off the thought. No matter what, I wanted to have fun.
"You're cold too, aren't you?" He looked at me with worried eyes. Beautiful eyes. So gentle and deep.
"Something."
“Do you want to go back in?”
Attack!
"I'm sorry, Danny, but I don't want to go back in there. The air in there is disgusting. I think I'll go home."
“Okay...” He looked sad.
Won!
"What's up?"
Danny swallowed. "I don't know, I'd love to sit with you a little longer."
"Well, Danny, this isn't really my style, but if you want, if you really want, then you can come with me."
Something started to work behind his forehead. "But what about my buddy?"
“Just tell him.”
"So... okay. I'll just go in and tell him. Will you wait here?"
I grinned, “Nope.”
He looked at me in disbelief: “Why not?”
“Because my jacket is inside the wardrobe, and my car keys are in it,” I laughed.
“Idiot,” he grinned back.
“Thanks for the compliment,” I replied, nudging him in the hip.
Well, everything went smoothly. What bothered me was that Matze was still on my way to the jacket.
When he saw me without Danny, he seemed to breathe a brief sigh of relief. But I gave him a wicked grin, raised my thumb, and briefly mimed a steering motion.
Matze glared angrily and his lips formed a silent “Fuck you.”
He should do what he wanted.
The rest went quickly. I got my jacket quickly, and on my way to the exit, Matze ignored me.
Danny was already waiting at the door.
"Okay, let's go. I'll park outside in the big parking lot."
I wanted to start running, but then a hand timidly reached for mine.
Danny beamed at me: “Good, now we can.”
Damn, I really didn't need this queasy feeling in my stomach right now. He was so wonderfully naive and now even romantic – holding hands.
We quickly got into the car and drove through Mannheim at night. Soft, cozy blues, fresh from an MP3 CD, played from the speakers.
“I’m really glad I met you.” Danny almost whispered.
“Thanks, I feel the same way.”
He smiled at me again.
“Since when did you know you were gay?” I asked him.
He swallowed nervously. "I... uh, I don't know. I think forever. But really... I don't think it's been a year. And you?"
"About seven years, that's when I admitted it to myself. Otherwise, probably forever," I answered honestly. "Have you had a boyfriend yet, Danny?"
"Nope, there was someone once, but he was just trying to play a trick on me. A friend warned me about it in time. And when I said no, he immediately went after someone else. I liked him, and it hurt."
Shit. I have no idea why, but for a brief moment I felt guilty. The little guy was so trusting. "Bad luck," I interrupted myself irritably. No feelings. Never again.
“And what about you?” he asked back.
I swallowed hard. "Yes, but there was a nasty story involved. Sorry, but I don't want to talk about it. - Not yet." Not yet? Nonsense, he'll never hear that.
"Okay," he replied quietly. His hand rested comfortingly on my right leg. Damn, that felt good.
“Have you had any experiences yet?” I interrupted my thoughts.
Embarrassed, he looked away. "No, nothing. I'll wait for the right person with this." He looked at me.
Great. A sweet little virgin has a crush on me, and I have nothing better to do than break his heart. But haven't we all had to go through a tough school? Matze's face appeared before me. "Fuck off," I thought. Danny looked up, disturbed.
Shit, did I think that out loud? "Sorry, kid, I think I was thinking out loud. It wasn't about you, just a shadow from the past." "LIE!" I screamed at myself.
He nodded with relief and squeezed my hand a little tighter.
The short remainder of the drive was quiet. We were both silent. It was just after 1 a.m. when I parked the car in my parking space. Danny had his eyes closed.
“Hello Sleeping Beauty, we’re here.” He slowly opened his eyes.
"I don't think it was a good idea to bring you along. You should have gone home to bed."
“It’s okay, I almost always fall asleep in the car.”
“Would you like a coffee?”
“If it’s not too much trouble?”
"Nonsense, I have a Senseo. It makes itself."
“Thanks, I’ll take one then.”
“There’s just one problem, my dear Danny.”
“Which one?”
I laughed. "Well, get out of the car and into the apartment!" He laughed too.
No sooner said than done, we quickly walked the last 30 meters to the door and up the short flight of stairs. The mezzanine floor has its advantages. I then turned on the light in the hallway, and Danny looked around curiously. "It's beautiful here. So colorful."
"That was important to me. I don't like white walls. Only in the hallway and kitchen is the ceiling white; otherwise, there's a touch of color everywhere."
“You really have taste.”
"Thanks, Danny. I did all this together with my dad. I'm especially proud of that."
Shit (did someone count? This isn't the first time.^^). I don't usually get this private.
I sent Danny into the living room onto the couch and made the coffee, put milk and sugar on a small tray and went into the living room with it.
“Do you drink black?”
"Better with a splash of milk and a spoonful of sugar." Bingo, just like me. Exactly like me, in fact.
“To a nice evening,” I toasted him.
"A very nice evening," he replied. Oh, Danny, you won't be saying that anymore soon. But why did I feel so bad about it? No matter, the wall stays.
We chatted for a while. He told me about his school—he was one of the top students in his class; about his successful swimming career—he already had several trophies from various district leagues; and about his hobby, singing. But he didn't want to give me a taste just yet. "Now or never," I thought.
As the conversation progressed, we grew closer and closer, and around 3:30 the moment had come: he lost himself in my kiss, in the dance of our tongues.
Casually, my hand wandered under his shirt, gently stroking his flat stomach, then moving higher to his chest. His nipples were hard, and I gently stroked them.
A groaned sigh escaped his throat. There was hell going on in his pants.
I stopped the game. If I wasn't careful, he might become afraid of his own courage.
"Danny, I don't want to overwhelm you. If it's going too fast, say something."
Danny looked at me. His face was contorted with doubt and lust. It always seemed like the illusion of having a choice that he no longer had.
He gasped, "Micha, it feels so good, I want you." I picked him up and carried him into the bedroom, laid him gently on the bed, and lay next to him. He lay flat on his back, and I leaned over him. Then we sank into a passionate kiss again, our tongues dancing a wild dance. My hand worked on his shirt buttons. Piece by piece, I uncovered his torso. God, he looked good. Delicate and slim, but the fine muscles were firm and delicately defined. He had a gently tanned complexion, and a fresh scent emanated from him. I removed my lips from his and let them wander. They left a slightly moist trail on his neck before they thoroughly attended to his hard nipples. Danny was breathing heavily and pressed his body against me.
With lots of kisses, he drew me toward my belly button. It was a cute navel. Small and not too deep. His hands rested on my head and slid nervously through my hair. If he liked it that much...
With my right hand, I slid over the bulge in his dark jeans. He inhaled sharply. I pressed my lips to his "tent" and blew my breath through the fabric. A whimper came from him.
"Micha, stop! Please! I'm about to burst! Stop or I'll come!"
“Don’t you want to?” I whispered to him.
“Not yet, please, I don’t want it to stop.”
“Then it’s your turn, I’ll leave your little one alone.”
I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it in the corner. Danny let his shirt slide from his shoulders to the floor. He then quickly took off his jeans and socks.
Cute shorts, I thought. And quite exciting.
Then he fiddled with the buttons on my jeans. I helped him and took them off. His eyes widened. Unlike him, I wasn't wearing anything underneath.
“Wow,” he exclaimed, “This thing is...”
I grinned. "Don't worry, it looks worse than it is. But yours," I pointed at the boxer tent, "doesn't exactly seem to be a dwarf either."
“Idiot,” he giggled.
With light pressure, his hands forced me back onto the mattress, and he repeated what I had done to him before. Boy, he has talent. Well, not just talent. He drove me crazy. His tongue played with me. I closed my eyes and simply enjoyed it. Suddenly I flinched. He didn't, did he? Yes, he did. Almost greedily, he put his mouth over mine... "Oh God," I moaned, "And you say you've never done this before?" He winked at me cheekily, without even once releasing my cock. I pulled his head up. "Stop! Now, please!" This time it was me.
He smiled. "This is really my first time doing this. But... this is how I always imagined it."
"You're simply a natural. Dangerously good." He kissed me. "Thank you, Micha."
Again, that feeling came back, like a hand trying to crush my stomach. Stop! It's just sex!
I lay on my back with a pillow behind my neck.
"Danny, take off your shorts and," I pointed to my chest, "and move your sweet ass here."
Almost as if in a trance, he removed his last covering and hovered over my chest with his legs spread. I pulled him closer with my hands and...
At this point, I just want to say that the sex was truly fantastic. But since the climax is a very private moment...
Danny lay exhausted on top of me, his face beaming. One last kiss, a salty kiss. He snuggled up to me. "I never want to get up again," he sighed.
I don't want that either, screamed in my head. Something clicked inside me. Just a moment ago I wanted to hold him, but now I was back to my old self.
„Danny?“
“Yes, Micha?” he smiled happily.
"Danny, pack your clothes and get out of here! And stay away from me!"
His eyes widened. "Man, that's not funny!" his voice trembled.
"Right. I wasn't joking! Pack your clothes and get out of here! It was nice meeting you, you're talented. Good night."
His eyes moistened. Tears streamed down his face. "Please tell me this isn't true. Micha, please... I, I've fallen in love with you!"
"You're a stupid and naive boy. The world is bad and now," my voice rose to a roar, "GET OUT OF THERE!"
He started crying bitterly. And it hurt me. But it had to be done. I had to protect myself. It was just a little fuck. He was good, but that was it.
I didn't believe myself.
"You miserable bastard," he said pitifully. He stumbled out of bed, gathered his clothes, and got dressed, crying. I lit a cigarette and pretended not to see his pleading look. Damn it, one word from me and he'd be back in my arms. Could I really let him go? I looked at him – cold and expressionless. He swayed briefly, his knees seemed to give way. I flinched and tried to jump up, to support him, but he caught himself.
He rubbed his eyes and turned around. With his back to me, he said, "I was so stupid. I wanted you, and I thought you wanted me too. Sleeping with you was my greatest gift. But you used it, me, and threw me away. I hate you, but you don't care! You're the meanest, coldest asshole I've ever met! Go rot as a lonely person! You're poor."
Then he left my apartment. I could still hear his sobs.
His sobs? No. It wasn't his. I heard myself. I was crying.
What had I ever done? He had been good to me. I had opened up over coffee in the living room, told him a lot. God, I hated myself. Hated my ex. He had destroyed me permanently, turned me into a monster.
Danny, come back, damn it, come back. I couldn't run after him. I was too cowardly now—no matter. I didn't know his last name, I didn't know where he lived, and I didn't have his number either. Damn it—damn it! I hoped he knew how to get home, I hoped nothing would happen to him. He wouldn't hurt himself, would he?
I lay awake all night. Matze appeared in my mind. "I warned you, Micha, you'll get your comeuppance someday." I deserved it.
New SMS
I lay in bed until 10:00 without having slept a second. A wonderful Saturday awaited me. My eyes burned, my pillow was soaked.
Up until now, no one had been particularly happy when I'd kicked them out at night, but it had always left me cold. And apart from a "jerk" or something similar, I never really got much out of it. But Danny... he had touched me. Inside. The boy was something special. "Asshole, bastard," I couldn't think of any better names for myself.
It was 11. Suddenly, something rang. A short beep. Text message? But my phone sounds different, doesn't it?
I looked at the floor. Was something lying there? A cell phone. HIS cell phone. And, oh God, his keys. It must have fallen out of his pocket. I picked up the phone. Sure enough. A text message. From Andreas? Not my friend Andreas, the one from Danny's swim club. Matze had mentioned him yesterday.
I couldn't help myself and pressed "Read"
-----15.04.2006, Andreas----
YOU MISERABLE BUM! I'LL KILL YOU.
DANNY DID NOT DESERVE THIS, YOU
SELFISH, MISERY ASSHOLE. THAT'S IT
FOR US, AND THAT'S WHAT I CALLED A FRIEND!
MAKE SURE YOU HAVE HIS CELL PHONE AND KEYS
YOU CREATE RAT.
-----------------------------------
Wonderful. That hit home. I deserved it.
A suspicious buzzing sounded next to my ear. Driven by the vibrating alarm, my phone danced on the nightstand.
Matthias calls. Shit, please not Matze too. Dejected, I pushed him away.
But he didn't give up; he called again immediately. It was pointless anyway. So I answered.
"Matze?" My voice was dull and shaky. His wasn't.
“YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!” it yelled at me.
“Matze please hear...”
“I’m done with you,” he interrupted me.
"Wow..."
"How do I know? Andi just called me. He was on his way to training, you jerk! Danny was sitting in front of the pool, crying, frozen to the bone. He couldn't go home, his parents are on vacation, and his key is probably with some goddamn idiot... there's no word for you that even comes close to describing my anger. And he couldn't call anyone either. I assume his phone is with you, too?"
He seemed to be waiting for an answer.
Yes, I wanted to say, but nothing came out except a pitiful sob.
“Micha?” Matthias was suddenly quiet.
It was over, I cried uncontrollably into the phone.
"Micha, damn it, what's going on? I don't know you like that."
"Ma... Matze, shit, I... oh God, I'm an asshole. Dirty, all dirty."
And continued to cry.
"Shit, Micha, I'm coming over. I'd love to beat you to death, but I want to see that happen. It hurts to take your own medicine, right?"
“Matze, I’m sorry.”
“15 minutes, Micha. And then I want a coffee!”
And then he hung up.
I mechanically grabbed shorts and a fresh shirt from my closet and staggered into the kitchen. This time I boiled a pot of coffee, using a regular machine.
No sooner was the coffee ready than the sound of my doorbell shattered the silence of my apartment.
I pressed the opener, and quick footsteps trotted toward the door. As soon as I turned the handle, the door flew open.
Matthias looked me in the eyes, and his angry expression changed to one of great surprise.
"Why the hell are you crying? You had what you wanted, you ripped the little one's heart out. You played with him and," Matze calmed down a little, "took from him what he wanted to give to his first love. What he gave to you."
Now his eyes also became moist. "Micha, damn it, say something. What's going on here?"
"Matze..." my voice was weak and shaky, "I'm scared. Afraid of falling in love. You know the story."
"Damn it, I know the story. But you don't have the right to take anything and everything and make them pay for your ex."
"Please forgive me..."
"You stupid asshole, you cowardly bitch! I don't have to forgive you for anything. Danny is your victim. You ruined the little guy. And he's young. Your ex played a terrible game with you, but you were able to handle it completely differently. Maybe you turned Danny into just such an unfeeling monster."
I was speechless. Matze was right, I realized that myself tonight. I was Danny's first, he had trusted me. And it wasn't just sex. I felt so damn good around him.
“I fell in love with him.”
“Shit Micha, you only love yourself.”
"No. I'm in love with Danny. I realized that yesterday, before we got into bed. I felt comfortable and safe. And then, shit, I panicked."
Matze stared at me, stunned. "Pinch me, I don't believe this."
"Everything's ruined. He'll hate me, he has to hate me. And he's right. You should have seen him standing here in front of my bed, that pleading look, hoping I'd play a dirty joke on him. His words as he left; I'll never forget them. Not a word of them."
“And... and what did he say?”
"His words were, 'I was so stupid. I wanted you, and I thought you wanted me too. Sleeping with you was my greatest gift. But you used it, me, and threw me away. I hate you, but you don't care! You're the meanest, coldest asshole I've ever met! Go rot as a lonely person! You're poor.'"
Matze swallowed bitterly: “Sorry Micha, but you deserve this.”
I showed him Andreas's text message. Matze sank thoughtfully into a kitchen chair.
"Okay... Danny needs his things back as soon as possible. If you want, give them to me and I'll return them to him. That should be best for everyone."
I shook my head. "No, Matze, I have to do this. I owe it to him. Maybe..."
“Maybe what?”
“Maybe there’s still something to be salvaged.”
“Micha... you don’t really believe that, do you?”
“I have to try.”
“Andreas is killing you.”
"Probably. But does he have to be there?"
“Do you seriously think Andi will let you go after Danny alone?”
“Can you talk to him? Maybe it will work if you come along instead.”
"You're asking for too much. Micha, really. This is too much. I may not be yelling anymore, but I'm furious!"
"Please. I mean it. I want to do everything I can to make this right."
“Michael...”
"Please..." It was useless, the tears returned. "Please, Matze..."
"Damn it, I hate you! I'm going to the living room and talk to Andi. And then I need a coffee, black."
Without a word he went into the living room.
The call
“Hello Matze, what’s up?”
"Andi, I need to talk to you. Is Danny still with you?"
"Where else is he supposed to go? But that asshole will pay for it."
“He’s already paying!”
“What’s going on, where are you?”
"*sigh* Damn asshole. He was crying like a wolf on the phone..."
"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? He was crying, great. Have you forgotten who the victim is here?"
"Andi, listen! It's different than we think. I've been taking Micha to task. He's sitting here like a pile of shit, crying all the time and saying he's in love."
“Whom should he love but himself?”
„Danny!“
"You don't believe him, do you? He's just kidding you and wants to get out of trouble!"
"I don't think so. He's whining in my ear, it's not an act. I offered to take the phone and the key and give them to Danny."
“You want to make it easy for him, too, huh?”
"No. But it doesn't matter. He doesn't want that. He wants to take responsibility for it himself. However..."
Matze took a break.
“But what?”
"All right. He wants Danny to meet with him and me."
"YES, let him come. Then I'll flatten him."
"Andi, I want you to take Danny to Climax in an hour. And then I want you to leave."
"Are you crazy? I'm not letting that jerk go after Danny alone."
"I'm in. Micha wants to apologize. He's insulting himself worse than I am insulting him. Believe me, it's hit him. Really. And somehow... I hope there's still a chance for the two of them. And don't tell me it's over for Danny. He still loves him."
"I don't like this. Not at all."
“I don’t feel well either.”
"Wait. I'll talk to Danny. He has to decide. But I'll tell him what I think."
„Okay. Mach.“
Two minutes later.
"Matze, in an hour at Climax. I won't be there. But if anything goes wrong, Lucio will call me and I'll be there two minutes later."
*** Note: Lucio is the owner and host of Climax ***
Matze went back to the kitchen, where a coffee was already waiting for him. Micha looked at him expectantly.
"Go to the bathroom, freshen up, and get dressed. We're expected at Climax in 60 minutes. Hurry, time's running out."
“Thank you! Thank you.”
"I'm not doing this for YOU. I'm doing this for Danny, and for me. I should have warned the little guy, but I didn't think he'd actually fall for you. You're just too good with that."
"Thanks anyway!"
“All right, get it done.”
***
Matze had made it. Almost in high spirits, I rushed into the bathroom and treated myself to a quick shower, fiddled with my hair a bit, and changed into something fresh. Jeans and a T-shirt were enough. And in less than 20 minutes, we were at my car.
"Micha, forget it. I won't let you drive. I'll drive your car."
That's fine with me, my legs were shaking anyway, not a good prerequisite.
At the edge of town, I just remembered the flower shop.
“Matze, please pull over quickly!”
He did. "Just wait, I'll be right back!"
I jumped out of the car and ran into the flower shop. Roses, where are the damn roses? Then I found them, grabbed a dozen, and rushed to the checkout.
“Hi Micha,” Gabriele greeted me, “Is it Mother’s Day again?” She grinned.
“No, they’re not for my mom. Please hurry, it’s urgent.”
45 seconds later I was back in the car.
"Roses... I can't believe it! Macho Micha is buying roses!" Matze was stunned.
“I didn’t know what else to bring.”
“Cell phone and keys?”
Damn, I completely forgot about that. "Matze, hurry, we have to get back to my place, I forgot!"
"Don't worry, I brought them with me. I thought you'd forget them."
"You're truly a friend. Thank you."
“Micha, you don’t really deserve a boyfriend.”
We drove off in silence. We had five minutes to reach our destination, and no parking space in sight. I nervously drummed my fingers on my leg.
"Micha, keep your fingers still. All that knocking is getting on my nerves."
I did as I was told, and Matze found a suitable gap.
One more minute. I took the flowers and Matze gave me the rest. Quickly to the climax.
We entered the store right after the 60 minutes were up. I kept the flowers hidden behind my back. No sign of Danny. Lucio saw us and gave me a dark look. His head pointed toward the back left corner.
My heart was pounding. Danny was sitting there with his back to me. Andi had kept his word and was already gone.
I walked slowly ahead, Matze close behind me. Danny didn't notice us. His gaze was fixed on the tabletop. I carefully sat down opposite him and placed the flowers on the floor behind me. Matze stopped between us and cleared his throat loudly, and Danny jumped up.
His eyes were still red and tear-stained, his face looked pale and gaunt.
When he saw me, new tears were already streaming down his face. I did the same.
"Danny..., you have to believe me. Shit, you don't have to believe anything I say! I've messed up too much for that. But I want you to believe that I'm really..." my voice turned into a whiny sob, "really sorry. With all my heart."
Danny just forced a "why" past his lips. "How could you do this to me? I begged you, and you laughed at me. It hurt. Damn hurt. It hurts. I see you lying there again and again, and you hurt me. Then you chase me out into the night, I have no idea where I am, I stumble across a taxi and it takes me to the train station. The next train left two hours later, I had nothing. I couldn't call, couldn't get into my apartment. And I felt dirty. Dirty and used. And I felt you laughing at me, the whole damn time. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do? WHY the hell?" He screamed "why" and tears streamed from his eyes. Lucio jumped towards us, but Matze nodded briefly, everything was okay.
"Danny, when you were gone... I didn't laugh. I hated myself. I was so scared."
“What were you afraid of, me?”
"From my feelings. I felt so comfortable with you. But I don't want... no, I never wanted to fall in love again. You once asked me about a relationship in the car. But I didn't want to tell you anything. It all has to do with that. I got my heart broken back then, too, and I wanted to get revenge. But to you, I'm sorry. It was like that from the beginning. But I couldn't get away from myself. I hope you can understand someday."
Lucio came to the table and looked down at me grimly. "Michael, what do you want?"
"Three coffees. One black and the others with a spoonful of sugar and a dash of milk."
Lucio nodded briefly and disappeared.
For a brief moment, I saw one corner of Danny's mouth twitch upward. "At least you didn't forget that."
"I haven't forgotten anything, nothing at all. And when I think of your last words, my heart clenches."
Danny said nothing.
"I acted like a callous pig and hurt you. And I'm sorry. I care about you."
“Danny,” Matze chimed in, “and he’s afraid Andi will beat him up badly.”
Danny laughed. "I don't think Andi can do it. Micha has some advantages on his side."
Advantages? Well, I'm not exactly short. 6'4" isn't short. I also do martial arts and a lot of other things, so I'm not weak. But still, I just had to get something straight.
"Danny, maybe. But I would have let Andi do it. I deserve it."
"I wouldn't have just 'let him do it.' It's basically none of his business." Danny sounded a little more forceful.
Matze tapped me on the shoulder and whispered that I was forgetting something.
“Wait a minute.” I rummaged in my bag and pulled out my phone and keys, placing them on the table next to Danny.
"Thanks."
Lucio brought the coffee. We took a sip.
“Danny, I have something else...”
And Matze intervened again. "Sorry, girls, can I leave you alone for a moment? You don't look like all hell's about to break loose in the next few minutes."
Danny and I nodded.
“Okay, see you soon.” And then he disappeared.
“Do you have anything else for me?”
“Yes...” I took a deep breath and reached behind me.
Danny stared at the bunch of roses. He took them somewhat hesitantly.
“Danny, I fell in love with you and completely messed it up.”
"Hmmm-hmmm. You did. And... I need some time. I still have feelings for you. But last night... I can't just forget it. It hurts. Please leave me alone for a while and think about it. I'll get back to you. Okay?"
"Okay. Take your time."
Danny picked up his things and stood up. "See you soon, Micha."
“See you soon, little one.”
He came over briefly, put his hand on my shoulder somewhat hesitantly, and left. Then he was gone. I couldn't think of anything better to do than cry into my coffee a little longer until Matze came back in. "So?" he asked.
“He’ll get in touch when he’s thought about it.”
Matze nodded. "By the way, Andi was waiting outside the store and he's taking Danny home. I chatted with him a bit. He won't hurt you anymore. He even felt a little sorry for you. You don't see our macho faggot crying every day."
“Well, thanks for the flowers.”
"Feel free to complain. If you prefer 'unprincipled wanker' to 'macho faggot,' then feel free to have that."
"Touché, you win. You kind-hearted straight guy."
“Don’t screw it up again if you get the chance.”
"Yes. If I get it."
"You'll get it. The little guy is hopelessly in love with you. Doesn't exactly speak for his taste, but otherwise he's okay."
Saturday, 3 p.m. in Mannheim. The weekend is over for me.
Matze drove me home and then set off on his own.
I fell into bed and pressed my face against the pillow where Danny had lain last night. It smelled of him. I cried myself into a deep sleep.
On Sunday, I woke up. It was already 7 p.m. I quickly got myself up and made myself a snack, drank a bottle of water for my dry throat, and marched to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth, went to the toilet, and then fell back into bed. I dreamed about Danny. As he was about to kiss me, I was rudely awakened by the shrill beeping of my alarm clock.
University day: I dragged myself to the bathroom, took a quick shower, and did my makeshift routine. After a quick cup of coffee, I headed off to university. I could have skipped the trip, though; I didn't notice anything. My fellow students stared at me strangely. No wonder, no one had ever seen me so worn out. Unshaven, my hair a mess, and the apathetic, empty expression in my eyes. I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. Words penetrated my ears as if through cotton wool and faded away unheard. Robot, yes, I was like a robot on autopilot.
Then I saw someone point at me and someone say something like, “Yes, that’s Michael.”
Suddenly a little boy came running towards me and suddenly his fist hit me in the face.
“For Danny, you bum!”
The blow didn't hurt so much physically, but it hurt terribly inside.
“You’re the friend he was here with on Friday?” I asked dully.
Glaring grimly, he nodded.
"If you like, go ahead and hit me again. It won't hit the wrong person." He stared at me in disbelief.
“You’re really not quite right in the head,” he said, and walked away, shaking his head.
Everyone looked over at me, completely astonished.
"What are you staring at? Man, punch me!" I yelled at first, but my voice got quieter with every word.
But it worked, the others moved away, no one spoke to me anymore.
The whole week followed the same pattern. On Wednesdays, during karate training, I had to take a lot of punishment.
“Man, Micha, be careful, or I’ll hurt you,” said Gabriel, my training partner, after his hand hit me rather roughly on the chest and I swayed slightly.
“Sorry, I was just distracted.”
"But that wasn't the first hit. Man, no, there's no point with you today!"
And then our trainer called me into his office.
"Michael, what's wrong? Are you craving pain right now? Man, it almost looks like you're letting yourself get beaten on purpose."
“Klaus, I’m sorry, I’m not on the ball today.”
"Not on the ball? A very charming understatement. Pack your clothes and go home. I don't want to have to call an ambulance. And if you want to talk, you know where I am."
“That’s not necessary, I’ll pull myself together.”
“Move and get out, no arguments, that’s my final word!”
I gave up and did as he said. "See you next week, Sensei."
Klaus was right, my chest was already hurting from Gabriel's blows, which I couldn't or didn't want to dodge.
It was a just punishment. And still no sign of Danny. Inwardly, I'd almost given up on him. I wouldn't come back to myself.
With a cigarette in my mouth, I walked through the rain to the car.
At home, I was running a bath and my phone rang. "Unknown caller" flashed on the display.
I pressed the green button. "Sprengel?"
No answer. "Hello, who is this?"
There was a brief crackle and my phone displayed “call ended.”
Great. And then the doorbell rang again. This time it was Matze.
“Matze...”
"What's wrong with you? Gabriel called a few minutes ago, asking if I knew what was wrong with you. I didn't say anything, even though there are so many things wrong with you."
"Thanks. Yes, I'm a completely disturbed being, currently depressed, and pining over a guy. Anything else?" came the reply, more sharply than I intended.
"That won't change for now. Danny's still not sure what to do."
“He’s still angry?”
"Stupid question. But actually, not really. He's afraid you'll change your mind again. Even if he may have forgiven you, nothing is forgotten."
“Matze, I can’t stand it, I miss him.”
"Tell me, are you still in your right mind? Who cares how YOU feel! No, my dear, you alone are responsible for that."
I couldn't say anything more, the tears came back and I cried into the phone again.
"Man, Micha, sorry. That was a little harsh of me, I'm sorry."
"You're right. I really regret what I did, and I could punch myself all the time. Danny's friend did it on Monday, too. I wish he'd kept going."
"Is that why you let Gabriel hit you? You're crazy."
"Guilty."
I could "hear" a slight grin from Matze: "Idiot. I'll talk to Andi, he's with Daniel almost every day."
"Thanks, Matze. I hope you can forgive me someday."
"To be honest, I'm not mad at you anymore. Yeah, sure, I hated you on Friday. But maybe it was a good thing the way it happened."
“Good?” I laughed bitterly. “What’s good about that?”
"Because apparently the person Michael has resurfaced, and not just the 'fucking machine'. Do you actually have any idea how bad your reputation has become?"
"I can guess. Matze, sorry, but I have to go to the tub. Gabriel really landed some nice hits. And thanks again. Friends?"
“Friends... on one condition!”
"Which?"
"Stay human, Michael. Show more emotion and forget about your ex. He's history. Don't let anyone pay for their mistakes anymore. Okay?"
“I promise you,” I said weakly.
"Good. Friends!" His voice sounded much calmer and more relaxed.
“Thank you, I don’t deserve you.”
"You're right. But you're well on your way."
"Well then. Okay, I'm going to take a bath. I'll talk then. Bye, Matze!"
"Yup, we do. Take care and cheer up, big guy." We hung up, and a short time later, I was relaxing in the hot tub.
Still, by Friday at the latest, even my mother wouldn't have recognized me. I was still unshaven and tired. I was on my last legs. Since Wednesday, I hadn't heard from Matze, Andi, or even Danny. No one answered my calls.
I even started praying.
But here too there was no answer.
Nothing from the week's lectures stuck. It was all pointless.
I just went back to bed. 5 p.m. is late enough, so I can go to sleep in peace.
At some point, my phone rang. A glance at the alarm clock told me it was almost 9 p.m. A glance at the display... Andi?
“Yes?” I mumbled weakly.
“Micha, you sound like shit.”
“Well, then I sound better than I feel.”
"If someone had told me last week that you were getting so depressed because of a guy, I would have laughed at them."
"Depression? I'd love to be. That would be better than now."
"Now prick up your ears, girl, and stop whining in my ear. I'll be over in 45 minutes. Use the time to get yourself back to normal. So shower, shave, and do something with your hair. A mop doesn't suit you."
"Huh?"
"Clean up! That's an order. 45 minutes. And if you don't finish, I'll beat the hell out of you, got it?"
„Okay.“
"Okay? Man, you wouldn't let this happen otherwise. Micha, please. Just do it."
What? He said please.
"45 minutes, all right. I'll manage, somehow."
"See you then."
"See you later!"
I actually finished on time, and I even looked almost like myself again. A little pale around the nose, but otherwise okay.
"Dress up," he said. I reached for my white jeans and tight blue silk shirt. The white slippers and denim jacket in the same color also matched them.
A quick glance in the mirror. Almost. I quickly fixed a few of my blonde strands with some gel. The doorbell rang. Perfect.
With just a few simple steps, I had everything else together: keys, cell phone, and cigarettes.
Andi was already waiting impatiently, and I climbed into the passenger seat. He looked me up and down. "If I weren't straight, I could almost understand what Danny sees in you," he grinned.
"Thanks for the flowers. But whether he still finds something special in me is unclear. I would understand. This week has been hell so far." Somehow, I didn't notice this strange allusion.
"You've earned this week. But don't worry about it and wait until the evening."
Then I set off. Soon, my destination was clear: I was heading back to Climax.
When Lucio saw us, he greeted us warmly, even me. Something was going on here, and I smiled. A faint suspicion crept in.
Andi led me to a lovingly decorated table for two. A bouquet of red roses graced the center. Andi pointed to a chair, pulled it back a little, and let me sit down. What was this supposed to be? A date with Andi? Right? But he just grinned, wished me a nice evening, and disappeared. Great.
Lucio approached me, holding a tray with two glasses, presumably Prosecco. Someone was still behind him.
Danny!
He sat down on the other chair and looked at me. And he smiled while Lucio served the sparkling water.
“Danny, I…”
He put a finger to my mouth. "Don't say anything. I've been thinking about you for a long time. Andi told me how you let yourself go. At first, I didn't care. But... he really stood up for you. You really meant it."
Andi had done that? Wow.
“Micha, I’m sorry, but I can’t help it…”
My heart sank, and the pitiful remaining color drained from my face. Okay, I deserved that. He, wait, but why did he say that about Andi? Or was this revenge? First give hope, then stab the heart with a knife?
I felt sick, tears welled up in my eyes.
“Are you not feeling well?”
Yes, feel free to mock me. You learned quickly, little one. You figured out how my weapons work.
“Micha, please listen to me.”
YES damn it, rip my heart out!
“Please, make it short,” I croak hoarsely.
"No. I don't want to make it short. I want it to be forever."
I want to get out of here. But my body is failing me. I can't move.
“Please don’t break down on me now.” He looks at me worriedly.
"Well, I just can't help it. I have to give you a chance. Or I'll die."
Dump him? No, that wasn't it. Did he say "chance"?
"Micha? Say something! God, don't faint!"
Where has he gone? He's no longer in the chair. Something is clutching my hand. His hand! He's kneeling next to me?
"Micha? Damn it, talk! I forgive you. I want to be with you!"
My heart is racing. I can't think. I want to say something, but something weighs on my lips. Black lines dance before my eyes. Hair. Black hair? The weight on his lips is a soft weight. His lips.
„Danny?“
"Yes, it's me. Did you listen to me?"
“Wake me up, please.”
“You’re awake, you idiot.”
The blur in front of my eyes disappears, the cotton wool is no longer in my ear. My senses return.
„Danny?“
He was starting to seem a little scared.
"Micha, are you not feeling well? Please don't freak out. I love you!"
I smiled: “I love you too!”
Danny threw his arms around my neck and kissed me again. People were clapping and...
Lucio ruined the moment by grinning and playing the fanfare of “Eye of the Tiger.”
Life is hard but unfair. ^^
As compensation, the nasty Italian served us the "honeymoon platter." I have no idea what was on it, but it was delicious. We fed each other, or kissed, or fed each other, and so on and so forth.
At some point the clock struck 2. And Andi stood before us and bowed.
"Gentlemen, this establishment would like to close and has therefore ordered the Honeymoon Express. Would you please make your way to the exit?"
“Very well, Gustave,” Danny giggled.
This time we both "had to" go back. Danny immediately hung halfway on top of me and kissed me passionately. His tongue nearly drove me crazy.
Andi suddenly hissed: "There are a few rules here: don't undress, no stains on the seat, and wait until you get home, okay?"
“Yes sir!” Danny again.
“Good, we understand each other.”
The journey soon ended and we were finally able to indulge in the long-awaited reconciliation.
Did I kick him out again after that night? With all due respect, I may be a jerk, but I'm not an idiot.