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"Let me explain something: I'm gay, but not that gay. Okay?"
The police officer looks at me askance. Let him. Nobody here believes a word I say anyway, no matter who or what I am.
"Why should I wear this ugly thing? I don't have a girlfriend, a sister, or anyone else who's into that sort of thing. Can I please just go now?"
“No,” says the policeman dryly, scribbling something on his notepad.
"What are you writing? Homosexual steals pink braided bracelet?" I'm not usually so easily flustered, but when I'm interrogated for an hour in this heat about a theft I didn't commit, I get irritable. And the saleswoman stands calmly by, fanning herself with a piece of paper. Yes, I'm hot too, and I just happen to be expected home.
“The bracelet was in your pocket,” the police officer astutely notes.
"Yeah, but I didn't put it in there," I reply for the thousandth time. Why is he allowed to call me by my first name? "Hey, would it help if I just paid for this thing now?"
A never-ending moralizing later, they let me go "with a blind eye." I'm now three euros poorer, one hideous bracelet richer, and have sweated out all my body's water reserves. If I don't make it home soon, I'll collapse in the middle of the pedestrian zone. Lars will thank me when I come back so exhausted and sweaty. He's a bit... peculiar.
"Hey, do you still have that bracelet?" someone suddenly whispers in my ear. I turn around and see it's a boy. About a year or two younger than me, maybe 17 or 18, and a little, well... disheveled. His holey clothes take some getting used to.
"Yes," I drawl out. I can only hope he's not expecting any shoplifting tips from me.
“Can I have it?”
I stop abruptly and stare at him in astonishment. "The bracelet?"
“Yes.”
I rummage in my pocket. "This?"
“Yes,” he says happily when I hold it under his nose.
“It’s pink.”
“So what?” Now it’s him who looks at me in confusion.
“Oh, you want to give it away.”
“No, why?”
“It’s pink,” I feel compelled to emphasize.
“Yes, I understand that.”
What a stressful day. First all the bureaucratic hassle, then the police interrogation, and now this hippie kid trying to talk me into buying a pink wristband. And all of this in a sweltering 35-degree heat. I'm starting to lose my sense of direction.
“Otherwise I wouldn’t have chosen it,” I hear the boy say.
"Yeah, sure. Wait a minute..." My brain strains again. "Picked it out? Did you put this thing in my pocket?"
He probably sees that I'm about to burst, grabs the bracelet, and takes off. "Thanks, by the way," he calls back.
"You owe me 3 euros," I yell after him. What a little rat!
 
Sweaty, dehydrated, and annoyed, I unlock the front door and hope I can sneak into the bathroom unnoticed. Lars isn't the type to selflessly listen to other people's problems and would never offer to cuddle up with me on the sofa for a while. Not in my current state. And I could really use that right now to forget this awful day. But that's my boyfriend. He loves me in his eccentric way, I'm sure of it, and I love him, despite his flaws.
"Finn, there you are," I hear him behind me as I open the bathroom door. He comes out of his study. "Did everything go okay?"
"Yes, actually. I'm going to take a shower first."
"Okay. Should I make us something to eat?"
"That would be great."
He gives me a smile and goes into the kitchen. Yes, of course he has his good sides. It's just more fun to harp on about his quirks.
When I step out of the bathroom, freshly showered and wrapped only in a thin bathrobe, I can already smell toasted bread and my mouth is watering. I'm so hungry. He must have tried out the new sandwich thing because he didn't want to cook anything warm in this heat. That's fine with me. I plop down on the sofa and close my eyes for a moment.
“Do you want ketchup or remoulade?” asks Lars.
"Both."
"Both?"
"Yes, please."
A few minutes later, I feel the sofa cushion give slightly beneath me. "Dinner's ready," Lars says, stroking the sliver of bare skin visible through the chest opening of my bathrobe. His hair tickles my cheek and neck as he leans over me. "You smell good."
“I just got out of the shower.”
"Hmm," he purrs, undoing the fabric belt around my waist while his lips kiss my neck. His fingers are now stroking my thigh, from the outside in, higher and higher, giving me the kind of relaxation they really know how to do. That's not what I actually meant by cuddling on the sofa , but it works too. I pry my fingers out of Lars' hair and pull his face to mine to kiss him.
“The food will be…”
“Cold? Hardly.”
“No, warm and sloppy,” I say, looking at the sandwiches.
"It doesn't matter. I've been waiting so long for you to finally move in, the bread can wait a little longer."
My stomach protests with a loud growl, but soon realizes it's being overruled and gives in. For now. After a second shower, however, it makes itself known again, louder than ever, demanding the soggy mess now on my plate.
“When will you get your new ID?” asks Lars.
"In about three weeks. I waited an hour and a half for the quick 'Hello, I need a new ID.'"
“And you’re officially registered now?”
"Yes, all done." I give him a moment to respond or ask me more questions. To no avail. "And how was your day?"
“Oh, as always.”
And that ends the conversation about this horror day.
 
Living with Lars has several advantages. First of all, I love him and always want to be with him. Of course. Because he works so much, we don't see each other often enough anyway, but now at least we can spend every evening together. Sometimes he's so tired that he goes straight to bed. Then I just lie down next to him and watch him sleep. He sleeps so quietly that I occasionally stare at him and check if he's still breathing. I, on the other hand, sleep anything but peacefully, something Lars has complained about more than once. Apparently, I sometimes babble incoherently and toss and turn like – quote – a madman.
Secondly, it was a real relief for me when I finished school and could not only give my parents the finger, but also a piece of paper with my new address (in case of emergency). They were neither particularly sad nor thrilled that I was moving out. While they don't have a problem with my attraction to men, they obviously didn't like everything else about me. Too mediocre at school, too modern in looks, not interested enough in studying, not musical, not athletic, generally too untalented, not enough friends, and so on... Lars likes all of these things about me; he just puts it a bit awkwardly. He says I'm uncomplicated. I have no idea what to make of that.
And third, this summer, until I start my apprenticeship in the fall, I can enjoy my life without having to earn my own money. Lars pays the rent, our leisure activities, and everything else we need to live. There's always enough money in a cereal box in the kitchen, which I use to go shopping and pay for hideous pink bracelets.
"Lars?" I ask him the next day as he's just coming home from work. "What would you think if I bought myself a pink bracelet?"
„Was?“
"Oh, okay." I don't even know what the question was about. "We could go to the lake tomorrow, right? I really need to cool off."
"I don't know. It's probably going to be really crowded."
"Then we'll just leave right after breakfast," I suggest. "I'll rescue you even if you drown."
"I'm definitely not going to swim in this soup. But I could definitely use a day in the sun."
I roll my eyes briefly, give him a peck on the cheek, and start looking forward to tomorrow. This trip will be my compensation for a week full of moving stress, unbearable heat, unwarranted police interrogations, and bracelet thieves.
But of course, things turn out completely differently. It's actually already packed in the morning, and Lars is correspondingly annoyed. He demands at least five times a minute that we turn around and go home, but I've decided to jump into this lake. After walking almost once around it, we finally find a spot that's still unoccupied.
“See? It’s beautiful here,” I say, spreading out my towel.
Lars, however, is already too annoyed to be happy about our conquest. "Wonderful," he grunts sarcastically and rummages through his backpack for sunscreen.
“Should I put some cream on you?” I ask, to at least accommodate him a little.
“You wanted to swim, so swim.”
“Is this going to be the case all day?”
He gives me a grim look and sits cross-legged on his towel. Great. So, the cold shoulder.
“Do you want us to go?”
"That's what I was about to say. Now jump into the pond."
Well, that was my last attempt at responding to him. So I slip out of my clothes and jump into the water. It's exactly as I imagined. As soon as the cool water envelops me, every movement is no longer an ordeal, and I feel as if I can only breathe properly again. Lars isn't going to ruin this for me. You just have to know how to deal with his moods. This one will have to be ridden out. Let him sit on his towel, sulking, and burn in the sun.
I just float on my back in the water until I collide with someone and almost drown in shock.
"Sorry," my counterpart snorts. "I wasn't paying attention to where I was swimming."
“I didn’t either,” I snort.
"Hopefully we've both learned something," he says, brushing wet strands of hair from his face. Something pink is hanging from his wrist. That's the little rat!
“Hey, nice bracelet.” I look at him meaningfully and watch the grin disappear from his face.
"Uh, yeah... hi, it was nice seeing you again," he says hastily, swimming toward the shore. Not with me. I give chase.
“What do you want?” he asks as he crawls out of the water and notices me behind him.
"Well, at least an explanation. Do you often slip things to strangers so they can steal it for you or even be stupid enough to pay for it?"
"No, that was a completely new experiment," he says, beaming, as if he's even proud of it. I stare at him in disbelief. "Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you into trouble."
An apology? So quick and so easy? My grumpy friend could learn a thing or two from this rat.
“Why didn’t you buy the thing yourself?” I ask.
"I couldn't. I save every cent I earn. And that's not much."
"Oh." I immediately feel guilty, but try not to let it show. "And why did it have to be that?"
“Why not?” he asks, shrugging his shoulders and starting to dry himself with his towel.
“It’s pink.”
"You seem to have a real problem with the color. If you'd like, we can talk about it. My office hours are always Mondays and Wednesdays..."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it," I interrupted, heading back into the water. "Have fun with it. I have to go now."
"Where?"
“To my friend.”
He grins at me with a raised eyebrow. "Hey, how about I make up for the bracelet thing?"
“And how?” I ask suspiciously.
"Let me surprise you. On Monday at 1:00, where I left you yesterday?"
"Okay," I say, swimming back out onto the lake. What the hell just happened?
 
Should I tell Lars about the meeting? Actually, yes, right? After all, he is my boyfriend. But on the other hand, it's his own fault if he doesn't ask me how my day was and what I've been up to. If I tell him about the thing with the bracelet and my date with the little rat, he'll get even more angry and... probably jealous. And I don't think I want to know what it's like when Lars gets jealous. So that can only backfire. Instead, I'm trying to distract him by spending practically the entire Sunday in bed. But he seems to think I'm trying to make up for the horrible day at the lake. Of course, it's only my fault that he couldn't enjoy his well-deserved day off. That's clear, right?
So on Monday, I go into town with only a slight guilty conscience and wait for my shaggy date. I wonder what he's up to. Without any money.
"You're really here," I hear his voice next to me and look up. He looks relatively normal today. No ripped clothes like last time, just a pair of perfectly normal jeans and a red shirt with cutoff sleeves that clashes terribly with his bracelet. Only his hair is a complete mess again. Maybe I shouldn't, but when I compare him to Lars... I have to laugh.
“What is it?” he asks, irritated.
"Nothing. Why shouldn't I be here?"
“Does your friend not mind?”
Thanks for the tip. "No, not by chance."
"He doesn't know anything about it," he states astutely. "You absolutely can't lie."
"Okay, he doesn't know," I admit. "He..."
“…is jealous.”
“…works a lot.”
"Probably both," the little rat concludes boldly, beckoning me behind him. "Come with me."
So I follow him without asking where we're going. I should be prepared for a surprise, after all. In any case, we're already leaving the city center behind us, and then the outskirts as well. The city is quite small, so the walk now sounds longer than it actually is. We cross a street and turn onto a small forest path. It's admittedly pleasantly cool here, but I don't see how that's supposed to compensate me for my involuntary near-theft.
“Do you want to tell me your name sometime?” he asks casually.
„Finn.“
"Finn? That doesn't suit you at all."
“What do you think is more appropriate?” I ask angrily.
“I call you Mr. Stinky Boots.”
"Stinky boots?" I ask, completely taken aback. I'm not a stinky boot. That's probably Lars.
"Yeah, you always seem so grumpy to me. And Mr. Stinky Boots, because you're a bit... stuck-up."
Is he crazy? I'm a very cheerful person. And not at all snooty. When have I ever been snooty? Lars is a bit like that sometimes. The nickname would suit him.
“It looks funny when your forehead curls up like that,” giggles the little rat happily.
“And what is your name?”
„Felix.“
"Oh yeah? I call you little rat."
He just keeps giggling.
After a few more minutes of walking silently along the edge of a river, we finally reached our destination: a boat rental. Felix greeted the owner as if they were good old friends and then climbed into a pedal boat.
“Come on,” he says, holding out his hand to me.
“Thank you, I don’t need your help.”
“Of course not.”
I get in and off we go. We wind our way across the river, through the trees, and eventually arrive at a small lake, where we just drift and put our feet up. Yes, that's quite a reward. Maybe I should just relax and be a little nicer to the little rat.
“So, what kind of friend is yours?” asks Felix.
“Why do you want to know?”
"I just find it strange that you're always traveling alone. Even when you go on a trip together."
“He works a lot and is therefore usually a bit stressed,” I explain.
“And he takes it out on you?”
"What makes you think that?"
“Well, I think you’re actually quite a funny guy,” says Felix, dangling one hand in the water.
"Yes, I am," I assure you. "Unless someone tries to instigate me to steal."
He smiles guiltily. "By the way, there's something to drink in the cooler back there, if you'd like. Or would you prefer an ice cream?"
Felix is... different. I haven't noticed this for the first time, but it's becoming more and more apparent as we bob around on the water, eating ice cream and telling each other all sorts of stories. I tell him about my parents and my relationship with Lars, and I'm perhaps a little too open. Lars would behead me if he knew what I'm blabbering about. Felix then tells me about his life and his plans, which are completely different from mine. He lives in a large shared apartment, which is obviously made up of a very individual, alternative group. No wonder he feels comfortable there. He fits in perfectly. He wants to study cultural studies when he graduates next year. Study. He saves all his money for this. Everything that's left over after rent and living expenses goes into his piggy bank. Crazy, right? He doesn't treat himself to anything in between, only shops secondhand and gets anything he can't afford as a Christmas or birthday present. And these aren't big things like a bicycle or a television, but small things like a book or a CD. Or a bracelet. But he probably didn't want to wait that long for that.
“You’re crazy, do you know that?” I say, fascinated.
“No, you’re crazy,” he replies.
"How come?"
"Because you judge everything by how others see it. And especially by what your boyfriend thinks."
I look at him, want to say something, but then just stare at my feet.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.”
"That's fine."
Afterwards we slowly make our way back.
"Hey, it's supposed to be really hot again on Wednesday. Want to go for a swim?"
"Why Wednesday?" I ask. And why me? I add in my mind.
"I told you my office hours are always Mondays and Wednesdays... Okay, I have to work the other days."
“Isn’t it summer vacation right now?” I ask, confused.
"Yes, exactly. Vacations are always good for earning extra money."
“And where do you work?”
"Here," he says with a grin, pointing to the boat rental shop that's just reappeared on the right bank. That's how he knows the owner. And that's why he didn't have to pay anything. That little rat.
 
When I get home, still buoyed by the beautiful afternoon, I see that Lars' car is already parked in front of the house. My heart immediately sinks, and the faint smile disappears from my lips. He must have finished early today. A little tense, I open the front door, but then decide that my behavior is nonsense and go straight into the living room. Lars is sitting on the sofa with a newspaper in his hand and looks up at me when he notices me.
"Hey, honey, I ordered sushi. It's in the fridge."
"Okay," I say, relieved. Everything seems to be fine. "Have you been here long?"
“Half an hour, maybe.”
I take the sushi platter out of the fridge and sit down next to Lars. "Hi," I say, giving him a kiss on the mouth. He puts his newspaper aside, and we eat in peace.
"Where were you?" he asks with a smile, and all the alarm bells immediately start ringing. I wasn't expecting that question. But what the heck? He's my friend, and if he's going to ask, he deserves the whole story. It's not like I have anything to hide.
“You were on a pedal boat the whole time?” he asks, confused.
“Yes.”
“Four hours?”
“Yes, it was nice.”
"And what did he slip you this time? A little weed?"
“What?” I ask, stunned, and almost choke on my salmon nigiri.
"I'm telling you, that guy is crazy. He's probably stoned all the time and is now trying to drag you into this."
"Are you crazy?" I raise my voice a little louder and jump up from the sofa. "Just because you're too fancy to swim in a lake or ride a pedal boat doesn't mean he's crazy. And just because he has to save his money doesn't mean you're any better than anyone!"
Lars also gets up and puts the leftover sushi back in the fridge. "So now he's better than me, right?"
“I didn’t say that.”
"What else were you doing on this boat?" he asks with a strange twinkle in his eyes. So here we go.
"Nothing at all."
"No? Then why did you want to hide it from me? Why haven't I heard of this guy?"
"Because you didn't ask. Because you're never interested in what I do!" I blurt out.
He takes another step toward me, but I don't back down. "How many more secret dates have there been, hm? Are there any more little bums I don't know about?"
"That's all?" I ask, horrified. "I'm telling you you're not interested in me, and that's all you want to know? Am I seeing anyone else?"
"Do you do it?"
"No, of course not! For some inexplicable reason, I chose you. And so you don't have to get so upset again, I'd better tell you right away that I'm going swimming with Felix on Wednesday."
I turn around and head toward the bathroom, but Lars grabs my arm. And he doesn't exactly do it gently.
“No, you’re not going.”
"Yes, of course," I reply, tearing myself away. "I'm still allowed to have friends, right? You can be a real asshole sometimes, Lars."
And with a loud slap, his flat hand lands on my cheek. At first I'm shocked. The pain comes later. But then it really hits. Lars doesn't make a sound, but slowly collapses to the floor. That's new. I never thought of him as violent. And I don't think he does either. But I can't worry about that right now. I run to the bathroom, lock the door, and run myself a bath. I cool my cheek with a wet washcloth and avoid looking in the mirror. I have no idea what I look like. Certainly not happy. I don't even remember how things escalated like this. What did I say? What did he say? I wasn't expecting that.
Two hours later, I feel prepared and rested enough to face Lars. I find him in the living room, crouching in front of the sofa, a bottle of liquor in his hand. This, too.
"Hey," I say coolly. "You have five seconds to apologize to me."
“Finn, I’m interested in you.”
Oh wow, so he did take notice of the accusation after all.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I didn't mean to."
"How much did you drink?" I ask. I need to know if he'll remember the apology tomorrow.
“Just a few sips.”
He doesn't sound drunk either, so I'll believe him.
"What the hell was that? Do you really think that's the right way to stop me from cheating?"
"No."
"What then?"
"I don't know it."
"I love you, Lars," I say, because it's the truth. "I just meet up with a friend every now and then. It's the most normal thing in the world."
“You’ve never done that before.”
"Yes, because I didn't have any friends. I get bored when you work all day, and I want to do something you don't want to do."
“I love you, Finn.”
“I know,” I say, sitting down on the floor next to him.
He puts his arms around me and gently kisses my cheek. "I'm sorry."
"I know."
 
Why do some relationships need such a shock to move forward? I mean, that's stupid, right? I should have broken up with Lars after he hit me, but instead I sit down on the floor with him and tell him I love him. That's crazy. I felt kind of sorry for him and... I felt like we'd never had such an open conversation before. And then his lips on my cheek and his whispered " I'm sorry ." That's when I gave in and we had sex.
Felix stares at me open-mouthed as I finish the story. "If this was meant to be a horror story, it's served its purpose."
„Haha.“
"No, I'm serious," he says. "You're totally at his mercy. You're dependent on him."
"I'm not. I just don't give up everything just because..."
"He beats you? Doesn't trust you? Doesn't allow you any friends and takes away your freedom? He only thinks about himself, and as a reward, you sleep with him?"
I don't know what to say to that. I only know that I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. We're sitting here at the lake, surrounded by strangers, and I'm discussing the most private things with a boy who's just as much of a stranger to me. And who's also a year younger than me.
“This is your first relationship, right?” Felix continues to probe.
“Yes.”
“And is this how you always imagined it?”
"No, but that doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. I know things aren't going great, but I love him and..."
“Why?” asks Felix.
"Huh?"
"Do you know why you're in love with him? And why he loves you? Because you're uncomplicated?"
"I think we should go swimming first." I need a break. Urgently.
„Okay.“
We take off our T-shirts and jump into the water. I don't have to think about anything before my head explodes. Felix seems to have the same idea, because he's setting a pretty good pace. I'm having trouble keeping up. He doesn't look back, but he seems to know I'm hot on his heels. So we race across the lake, and only when we reach the opposite shore do we both pant for a break.
“What was that just now?” I ask, out of breath.
"You wanted to swim. Anything else would be splashing around."
“Compared to that, everything is just splashing around.”
He grins and falls back into the sand. "Is everything forgiven and forgotten now?"
"Yeah, I think so. I don't find the thing so hideous anymore."
“Even though it’s pink?” he asks, feigning shock.
"Yes, even though it's pink," I admit, and lie down in the sand as well. Everything will be clean again when we swim back.
“Hey, Mr. Stinky Boots?”
“Yes, little rat?”
“I’m glad I put the bracelet in your pocket.”
“Yes, me too. Now,” I say, surprised.
"Really? Even though you're having trouble with your boyfriend because of me?"
"It's not because of you," I say quickly, turning on my side to face him. I don't want him to feel guilty just because I'm having some relationship problems.
“Tell me anyway if I’m in any way… in the way.”
"Will you stop talking such nonsense? Lars would have been jealous of anyone."
“And did he agree to meet us today?”
"Not really," I sigh. "But he had no choice."
By the time we get back to the other side, it's 4:30, so I head straight home. I gave Felix my cell phone number so he can call me when he has time to do something Lars definitely doesn't feel like doing.
 
Lately, Lars has been behaving very exemplary. He no longer asks his creepy "Where were you?" when I come home, but instead asks a sincere "How was your day?" And he no longer insults Felix. While he doesn't like the fact that we're still seeing each other, he silently accepts it. I can't expect more than that. By his standards, that's already very accommodating.
I recently visited Felix at work. I think he was a little embarrassed by his bright yellow outfit, but he was still happy to see me. He wanted to put in a good word for me with his boss if I wanted to become "a bit more financially independent," and I told him I'd think about it. Maybe. If I'm honest, I'm actually too lazy to go to work this summer.
And if I'm even more honest... I've been pretty confused lately. It started after I got back from the last day at the pool. Lars was already home and asked how things were. He didn't want to know anything about Felix, he just wanted to know if I had a nice day. I was totally relieved that he didn't make a fuss, but for some reason I also wished he would ask more questions. He could have asked me what we talked about and then I would have told him what Felix had asked me. I could have repeated the question: Why do you love me? And: Just because I'm uncomplicated? Because I'm not sure what he would answer or whether I would like the answer. But that's not even what confuses me. I find it much more confusing that I can't say why I love him. All I can think of is that he's good-looking, has money, and rescued me from my loveless childhood. But the famous little details are missing. I used to find his strange quirks cute, and he always seemed so grown-up to me. But now it just bothers me. I don't want to hear "You smell good" when I get out of the shower. I want to hear "You smell good." Period. I want to be me, not a scrubbed, polished accessory.
The crux of the matter is that Felix, the little rat, has such little things. How he calls me Mr. Stinky Boots, makes fun of my frown, rubs his hair dry with a towel, how he holds himself back so as not to get in the way of me and my relationship, his ambition, and that damn pink thing on his wrist. And that's just the beginning. I could think of a lot more.
But if I were to put them side by side, I'd choose Lars. He's all I have, and he's really trying to accommodate me right now. Maybe I'm just confused because I'm not used to having a good friend like Felix.
 
No, it is not.
Felix and I are currently dangling our feet from the dock in the water and eating ice cream from the boat rental's freezer. He's telling me some funny story, which I completely oblivious to because I'm staring at him. He doesn't notice because he thinks I'm listening. Meanwhile, I notice that he has freckles. Only on his nose.
Then I concentrate on my ice cream again and try to at least catch the end of his story.
"And when he crawled out of the water, he had these little burrs all over his hair. They're sticky like glue. I wouldn't be surprised if he comes to work tomorrow with short hair."
“That’s not so good.”
“No, but it was funny,” he giggles and continues licking his ice cream.
I try not to notice the melted popsicle sticking to his lips. That goes on the list of cute little things. And also the way he rubs his feet together in the water and sighs softly when he's finished the last bit of his popsicle. He puts the stick down and turns his face toward the sun, eyes closed. My stomach starts fluttering violently, and when I see that something is still stuck to his mouth, something unknown inside me takes over.
I lean toward him and kiss him. Felix pulls his head back in shock, falling backward onto the dock. "Wait a minute," he says, but I'm already leaning over him and pressing my mouth to his again. He halfheartedly resists by placing his hands on my shoulders, but quickly gives up and grabs my T-shirt instead. I greedily lick my tongue over his sticky, sweet lips, and when they open, I feel my way further. My tongue gently nudges against his. Wow.
My hands are still braced on either side of his body, but before I can do anything about it, Felix's hands push me back forcefully.
"Wait," he huffs, straightening up. He buries his face briefly in his hands and then runs his hand through his hair. "I don't think this is a good idea."
"No, you're right," I say, crestfallen and shocked. "I'm sorry."
“Why did you do that?”
"I don't know. You still had ice cream..." That's nonsense. I'm just talking nonsense. I betrayed Lars. I should think about that.
"You can't just kiss me, Finn. You have a boyfriend. Why do I have to be the sensible one?"
"I don't know. I just... wanted to kiss you."
"Why?"
“How the hell am I supposed to know?!” I snap at him and immediately feel like punching myself when I see his shocked and guilty look.
“I think we shouldn’t see each other for a while,” he says, standing up.
"Wait." I also scramble to my feet and stand in his way. "I'll be honest with you if you're honest with me, okay?"
He just looks at me challengingly.
"I'm confused because I can't say why I love Lars. And because it drives me crazy when you have ice cream stuck to your lips."
“Sounds like you’re losing it,” he says coolly.
"Now it's your turn."
“With what?”
“Why didn’t you push me away right away?” I ask, feeling the tingling sensation return.
Felix's face turns a little red and he turns away from me. "I tried."
"Yeah, sure," I huff. "Be honest. Why did you kiss me back?"
He tugs at his yellow work shirt. "Because I like you."
"Mag?"
“Yes, it was… nice.”
He's driving me crazy. I'm about to approach him when he holds out a hand defensively. "No," he says seriously, and I stay where I am. "You can't have a boyfriend and make out with me. And I know you won't break up with Lars."
He's right. I can't. Lars and I belong together. I love him, even if I don't know why right now. But I also want to kiss Felix. Again. Still.
“So what do we do now?” I ask him, hoping he knows a solution.
"Nothing. Go home."
"Okay," I say, somewhat disappointed. "I guess I'll talk to Lars then."
"No," he says, somewhat panicked. "It was just a kiss, and it won't happen again."
"I shouldn't tell him?" Has he lost his mind? How am I supposed to keep this a secret? And it wasn't just a kiss...
“No, I don’t want to be responsible for your breakup.”
"How am I supposed to hide this from him? You said yourself that I can't lie."
"That's not my problem," Felix waves off. "You started it."
And with that he turns around and leaves.
 
Lars wasn't thrilled. When he came home, I must have still seemed pretty depressed, and as Felix said, he doesn't like depressed people. I just lay on the sofa for a while and did nothing. Like Felix said. Lars went into his study to escape the bad mood. However, after about an hour, he must have remembered that he wanted to make more of an effort for me and came back into the living room. He asked if anything had happened and sat down next to me. After a brief nervous breakdown from me, which he obviously didn't really understand, I told him that I'd had an argument with Felix. Nothing more. As soon as the name was mentioned, he didn't want to know any more.
“Don’t you see each other anymore?” he asked, hugging me.
"No idea."
I still feel bad about not telling him. But maybe it's actually for the best. Lars would get really upset, yell at me, break up with me, and hate me forever. And I might hate Felix because then he would somehow be to blame for the breakup. I don't want that. None of that.
I've been waiting all weekend for a call, but the little rat hasn't answered. I can only hope that his "We shouldn't see each other for a while" wasn't serious. At least he admitted that he enjoyed the kiss, too. So it's not all my fault. I think we should talk about it like grown-ups. So, when he still hasn't called on Monday—even though we usually do something on that day—I go to the boat rental shop on Tuesday.
Felix is launching two canoes for a family, and as I watch him, it's clearer than ever to me that I have to turn off my strange desire for him. Otherwise, our friendship will go south.
"Hey," says Felix, turning around and noticing me. He doesn't look angry, but he doesn't look particularly happy either.
"Hello. Can I talk to you for a moment?"
"Sure. I just need to get a kayak from the hall."
A few minutes later he has time and we sit down on the wooden chairs in front of the house.
"Look, you were right," I begin. "It was a stupid idea, and it won't happen again."
"Did you tell Lars?"
"No."
“And now you have a guilty conscience,” he notes, astute as ever.
"Yes. But I'll clean it up myself. I just want you to stop being mad at me."
"I'm not mad at you. Not anymore," he says, his voice slowly softening. "I was more mad at myself because I... kind of went along with it."
Oh yes!
"We should forget about it. Let's just say we're even now."
“Quitt?” I ask.
“I slipped you the bracelet and you kissed me.”
Yes, but I wasn't as involved in the bracelet thing as he was in the kiss. But let's leave that aside. "Okay. We're even," I agree. "Can I still buy you ice cream tomorrow?"
"No, let's not do that. I'll end up with something stuck to my mouth again."
I have no choice but to stick my tongue out at the little rat…
But we meet up the next day in town anyway and sit down in a café. Felix orders an iced coffee, and because I think that sounds good, I have one too. The atmosphere is a bit tense at first, but over time it calms down. We both know that we don't want to jeopardize our friendship or my relationship, so we stop talking about the kiss. Instead, I try to get him to tell me how things are going in his relationship life, but he shuts down completely on the subject. The nerve. I tell him everything, and he tells me nothing. But maybe he's just been through something nasty that he doesn't want to talk about. I could understand that.
The only one who isn't so happy about our newfound friendship is Lars. He probably thought things had worked out and is now annoyed that he has to share me again. It's pretty difficult for me because I keep reassuring him that he has nothing to worry about, even though that's a big lie.
Als ich von meinem Eiskaffeetrinken mit Felix zurückkomme, liegt Lars schlafend auf unserem Bett. Es war wohl ein anstrengender Tag. Ich schlüpfe aus meinen Schuhen, lege mich wie immer neben ihn und vergrabe mein Gesicht zwischen seinem Hals und seiner Schulter. Ich versuche ihm irgendwie unterbewusst mitzuteilen, dass es mir leid tut und bemerke erst gar nicht, dass seine Finger meinen Nacken kraulen. Ich hebe meinen Kopf, um ihn anzusehen.
„Hey, wie war dein Tag?“, fragt er mich lächelnd.
Er fragt mich das, obwohl er weiß, dass ich mich mit Felix getroffen habe und obwohl sein Tag offensichtlich ziemlich scheiße war.
Ich beuge mich zu ihm runter und küsse ihn. Ziemlich fest und aggressiver, als ich es sonst von mir kenne. Meine Finger zerren grob an seinem Shirt und werfen es neben dem Bett auf den Boden. Lars ist etwas überrascht, lässt sich aber sofort darauf ein. Er zieht mir mein Shirt aus, während ich seine Hose öffne. Dann wirft er mich zur Seite und hält meine Hände auf der Matratze fest. Es geht alles ziemlich schnell. Wir küssen uns wie die Verrückten und reiben uns so lange aneinander, bis wir beide kommen und heftig schnaufend liegen bleiben. Wir haben es nicht mal geschafft, uns die Hosen ganz auszuziehen.
Das hier ist richtig, versuche ich mir einzureden und schlinge meine Arme um meinen Freund. Aber so gut und befriedigend es auch ist und so sehr ich Lars liebe, es war nichts… gegen den einen kurzen Kuss von Felix. Etwas ist absolut nicht in Ordnung.
 
Ich muss noch mal ganz offen und ehrlich mit Felix reden, weil… mit wem sonst? Ich muss wissen, was da los ist. Und irgendwie hab ich das Gefühl, dass es auch noch etwas gibt, was er mir nicht gesagt hat. Ich gehe ihn also am nächsten Tag wieder nach Feierabend bei der Arbeit besuchen und hoffe, dass die dunkle Wolke am Himmel kein schlechtes Omen ist.
„Herr Stinkstiefel“, freut er sich und kommt strahlend auf mich zu.
„Hi, kleine Ratte.“
„Weißt du was? Die Uni, an der ich studieren möchte, hat morgen sowas wie einen Tag der Offenen Tür und ich fahre hin.“
„Musst du nicht arbeiten?“
„Nein, ich hab frei bekommen. Und wenn du ganz lieb bitte sagst, nehme ich dich vielleicht mit. Dann kommst du hier mal raus.“
„Ja, das wäre gar nicht schlecht“, murmel ich vor mich hin.
„Du bist ja heute wirklich ganz stinkstiefelig. Ich dachte, du freust dich.“ Und dann wird er auf einmal etwas bleich um die Nase. „Du hast es Lars gesagt.“
„Nein!“, sage ich sofort und er atmet erleichtert auf. „Aber ich muss noch mal mit dir reden.“
In dem Moment – wie sollte es anders sein – fängt es an zu regnen, aber wir bewegen uns nicht vom Fleck. Felix starrt mich an, als würde er überlegen, wegzurennen.
„Vielleicht hattest du recht und wir sollten uns wirklich mal eine Weile nicht sehen.“
„Wieso?“
„Weil ich immer noch verwirrt bin“, sage ich verzweifelt. „Und ich glaube, dass du auch verwirrt bist.“
Er sieht mich kurz an und sagt dann: „Wir sollten in die Halle gehen, bevor wir total aufgeweicht werden.“
Wir stellen uns also in der Halle unter, in der die ganzen Boote aufgestapelt liegen und sehen dabei zu, wie draußen weiterhin alles nassgeregnet wird. Seit Wochen das erste Mal. Und endlich weht mal wieder ein erfrischender Wind.
„Ich hab gesagt, dass ich dich mag“, sagt Felix auf einmal.
„Ja…“
Er kommt auf mich zu und legt beide Hände an mein Gesicht. „Ich bin nicht verwirrt.“ Und dann legt er ganz leicht seine Lippen auf meinen Mund. Dieses Mal sind sie nicht klebrig, sondern ganz weich. Er küsst mich. Von sich aus. Das Kribbeln ist augenblicklich wieder da und wenn es möglich ist, sogar noch heftiger als beim letzten Mal. „Du riechst gut. Nach Regen“, flüstert er und gibt mir damit den Rest. Ich schlinge meine Arme um ihn und küsse ihn noch mal. Unsere Zungen finden sich wieder und dieses Mal macht er keine Anstalten, mich wegzustoßen. Wir küssen uns bis zum Umfallen. Im wahrsten Sinne des Wortes, denn ich stolpere über irgendetwas, das auf dem Boden liegt und wir fallen in den Stapel Sitzkissen, der neben dem Halleneingang aufgetürmt wurde. Schwein gehabt. Niemand wurde verletzt und jetzt haben wir es auch noch schön gemütlich. Felix kuschelt sich an mich und streicht mit seinen Händen über meinen Rücken, während sich eine von meinen langsam unter sein nasses, gelbes T-Shirt schiebt.
„Halt“, kommt es dann allerdings von Felix und er hält meine Hand fest. „Das geht nicht.“
"Why not?" I ask stupidly. Of course, there are about a thousand reasons why it shouldn't.
"First of all, we're practically in public here, secondly, you still have a boyfriend, and thirdly... I've had bad experiences with this sort of thing."
“With one hand on your stomach?”
"No, you complete idiot. With what comes next." He can only be serious, because he blushes a little.
“In what way?”
"The first boy I fell in love with also had a boyfriend. And after he got me to sleep with him, he dumped me."
“And now you thought I was planning the same thing?” I ask, stunned.
“Are you planning to break up with Lars?” is his counter question.
"No. That means... I don't know. That's why I'm so confused." And then another question creeps into my mind. "Does that mean you're in love with me?"
“Quite,” he sighs, suddenly looking very unhappy.
"Since when?"
"I think ever since you stood in front of me soaking wet at the lake and said you had a boyfriend. Apparently, I'm into difficult cases. But at least after your fiftieth birthday... It's pink ." He strokes his fingers lightly through my hair, giving me goosebumps.
“I like your freckles,” I say, because our faces are so close together that I could count the individual dots on his nose.
“That’s not exactly fair,” Felix claims, smiling sadly.
"No, wait, there's more," I say, deciding to get it all out. Maybe that will help me find a solution. "I also like the way you eat ice cream, obviously. And the way you call me Mr. Stinky Boots. That you're somehow always cheerful, even when I'm in a bad mood. That you don't think about yourself first, and that you're... a little rat."
Felix grins and pulls my hair lightly.
“Actually, that’s how I always imagined a relationship,” I admit.
"Me too."
“I need to talk to Lars.”
“I’m sorry,” says Felix.
"What?"
“That I kissed you.”
I promise Felix that I'll talk to Lars and think about us before we next see each other. He agrees, and now I'm on my own. I have to make a decision.
 
"I kissed Felix ," I hear myself saying to Lars in my head, and I imagine how he'll react. He'll definitely yell at me, wish me the plague, and maybe even break up with me and throw me out of the apartment. Of course, I hope we can discuss everything civilly, but when I think about what happened recently... I've sworn to myself one thing: If he hits me again, I'll hit back.
And once again, everything turns out completely different than I imagined. When I ask Lars to sit down on the sofa with me and say the sentence "I kissed Felix" out loud, he just nods and says, "I already knew something like that."
“What?” I ask, astonished.
"Well, I kind of suspected it since you had your 'argument'..." he exaggerates the quotation marks, "...with...him. And after last night, I was pretty sure."
"I'm sorry, Lars. I really didn't mean for this to happen."
“I’ve been thinking all day today about how to deal with this…”
Oh no, here it comes. He's breaking up with me, throwing me out. Wait a minute... Isn't this actually what I wanted? Didn't I just want to be with Felix?
“…I was wondering if it would be better if we split up,” says Lars, looking at me questioningly.
No, that's not what I wanted. That's not possible. I don't want that. Lars is... my family. And that's my answer: I love Lars because he means everything to me. My home is here with him. I've spent the last few years with him. Not everything has always been picture-perfect, yes, but what relationship is? And he's shown recently that he can change. Felix showed up at a time when everything was annoying me, and I should now admit to myself that he was just a distraction. Like a cool rain after a few weeks of unbearable heat.
“But I believe that I wasn’t entirely innocent in the matter either,” Lars continues.
“And what does that mean now?”
"I'll try harder to show you how important you are to me when you stop seeing Felix."
I expected that. And yet, it still hits me pretty hard. I find it hard to imagine not being with Felix in the future. He's my best friend, and he means a lot to me. But the decision had actually been made a long time ago. I said it myself: If I put the two side by side, I'd choose Lars. And that's what I'm doing now.
 
I've had a day to think about how to tell Felix about my decision. But I can't think of a way to do it without hurting him. I hope he at least believes that I'm sorry and that I wish I could turn back time to stop myself from kissing him. Then we could still be friends.
The rain has already completely evaporated, and the boat rental's wooden dock is completely dry. There are lots of customers here, eager to enjoy this hot summer to the fullest. Felix tells me to wait, so I sit down under a nearby tree and watch him at work for a while. I still get the tingling sensation when I look at him, but I have to go through with it. I've made my decision, and I'm not going back out. Then he comes over and sits down next to me.
"So?" he simply asks. He knows what's going on. We've gotten to know each other pretty well over the past few weeks, and he probably always knew what my decision would be.
“I told Lars everything,” comes a croak from my mouth.
„Okay.“
“And he doesn’t want us to see each other anymore.”
"Sure." Felix nods and snorts briefly. "And what do you think?"
"I..." God, this is hard. "...I can't leave him. Lars is all I have left."
Felix is still nodding. His expression fluctuates somewhere between sad and angry.
"I don't want us to stop seeing each other," I say. "But..."
"But Lars wants this, and that's why you stick to it. Like always."
“That’s just how it is in a relationship.”
"No!" says Felix, apparently choosing one emotion: anger. "In a relationship, you accommodate each other and don't make selfish demands. You don't have to do what Lars wants. You don't have to be with him just because that's the only kind of relationship you know."
"I want to be with him because I love him. I want this!"
"And why did you kiss me? Twice. Because it was funny?"
“No…” I want to explain, but he interrupts me again.
"You've told me enough times what an asshole he can be, and now you're still staying with him?"
“He’s not like that anymore.”
“No, he changed overnight,” Felix mocks, his eyes sparkling dangerously.
"Yes." Okay, I know that sounds stupid, but he wouldn't understand anyway. He doesn't know Lars. "I'm sorry I..."
"Do you remember what you said to me two days ago?" he interrupts again, pointing to the warehouse. "In there?"
“Yes.”
"And what about this? What about " Actually, this is how I always imagined a relationship would be "? Unless you're a damn good actor, you were serious."
"Yes, I do," I say truthfully. "But that's just a romantic idea. There's no such thing. That's the cheesy fairytale ending. What I have with Lars is how things really go."
"Hello? I'm sitting next to you, right? I have something like that."
“A brief crush, perhaps.”
Now his expression changes back to sad and disappointed. "I won't change overnight."
“You never know.”
"Okay, whatever you want," he says, fiddling with his wrist. "Here." He presses the bracelet into my hand and stands up.
“Felix…” I say, feeling like someone is stomping on my chest.
"I don't want the damn thing anymore! Just throw it away if you don't know what to do with it."
"Felix..." I begin again. "I'm really sorry."
"It doesn't have to be. I knew from the beginning that it would end this way. So it's my own fault."
“I didn’t mean to do that.”
"Well, and yet you did it." He takes a few steps away and then says over his shoulder, "I want you to stop coming here."
And that's it. He's gone.
I somehow drag myself home, tell Lars I need a moment alone, and lock myself in the bedroom. I crawl under the covers because I'm freezing despite the heat outside, and I don't feel at all like I just did the right thing. I know it was the only sensible thing to do, but the end of an unrealistic crush can hurt.
 
I hid, I cried, and I regretted pretty much everything. That I had met Felix, that I had kissed him, that I had given him hope, but also that I had lost him to stay with Lars. In the first few days after our last meeting, I went through nasty mood swings and was more confused than ever. For a moment, I even considered breaking up with Lars and never seeing either of them again, just so I could finally have some peace and wouldn't have to feel so torn apart. But I quickly dismissed the idea. Lars has no idea. Not even that I kept the bracelet.
I haven't seen Felix in five weeks, and I'm slowly feeling better again. Lars still has to work a lot, but he's making an effort to make sure he has enough time for me. We go out more often now, and he's almost never annoyed. Everything is basically the way I always wanted it to be. I'm just missing my best friend.
Today we decided to go to the swimming pond for the first time. It was actually Lars' idea. I would have liked to wait a bit longer because I'm afraid of running into Felix. But Lars thinks I have to face my demons. I find that a bit excessive and also a bit unfair, because he doesn't face his demon (swimming in the swimming pond) either. He just lets himself burn to death on the bank. I only agreed because it might be the last hot weekend of the year. Summer has already announced its retreat.
However, I don't dare jump in more than once and swim a bit to cool off. I keep imagining myself seeing Felix somewhere. So, after about ten minutes, I decide I'm super refreshed and lie down in the sun next to Lars. That feels good, too.
“Finn?” Lars asks at some point.
„Hm?“
“I need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay,” I say, even though I’d really rather have some peace and quiet right now.
"Or rather, I need to ask you something and I want you to be honest."
At this point, the calm is over. Lars hates these kinds of conversations. Normally.
„Bist du zufrieden, wie es gerade läuft? Also, hast du es dir so vorgestellt?“
„Was vorgestellt?“
„Uns.“
Ich drehe meinen Kopf in seine Richtung. „Wie kommst du denn da jetzt drauf?“
„Weil du… irgendwie nicht mehr du bist.“
Ich bin nicht mehr ich? Wer soll ich denn sonst sein? Was ist das denn für eine bescheuerte Aussage?! „Ich bin mir ziemlich sicher, dass ich immer noch ich bin“, sage ich und wende mein Gesicht wieder der Sonne zu.
„Du hast seit ein paar Tagen kaum noch mit mir gesprochen. Du springst für drei Sekunden in diesen See, obwohl ich extra mit dir her gefahren bin. Du hast überhaupt keinen Spaß mehr an irgendwas.“
„Ich dachte, du findest es toll, dass ich so unkompliziert bin“, stichel ich.
„Das ist nicht unkompliziert. Das ist halb tot.“
„Okay“, sage ich und stehe auf, um meine Sachen zusammen zu suchen. „Lass uns nach Hause fahren.“
Ich halte es für keine gute Idee mit Lars an diesem See zu streiten. Also stopfe ich schnell alles in meinen Rucksack und erstarre dann wie vom Blitz getroffen, als ich zu Lars rüber sehe und das Ding in seiner Hand bemerke. Er beobachtet mich aufmerksam und sagt: „Ich denke wir wissen beide, woran das liegt.“ Er wirft mir das Ding vor die Füße, schnappt sich seine Sachen und macht sich auf den Weg zum Auto.
Ich hebe das rosafarbene Armband auf und folge ihm.
Die Autofahrt verbringen wir schweigend. Lars ist bestimmt sauer und ich hab keine Ahnung, was ich sagen soll. Ich weiß nicht mal, warum ich so überrascht bin. Ich hab das Armband nicht besonders gut versteckt, also musste er es irgendwann finden. Die Frage ist nur, wie ich ihm erklären soll, dass ich es gar nicht mal vor ihm, sondern eher vor mir versteckt habe. Ich wollte es nicht mehr sehen, aber wegwerfen konnte ich es auch nicht.
„Warum hast du es behalten?“, fragt Lars, während ich meine nassen Schwimmsachen im Bad aufhänge. Er steht ans Waschbecken gelehnt da und sieht mir zu.
„Ich habe es bezahlt“, ist meine schwache Erklärung.
„Willst du mich verarschen?“, schnauft er. „Außerdem habe ich es bezahlt.“
„Ich will jetzt duschen“, sage ich und mache eine ‚Da ist die Tür‘-Geste.
„Ich weiß, wie du nackt aussiehst.“
„Ja, aber ich halte es für keine gute Idee, wenn ich mich jetzt hier ausziehe.“
„Dann sag mir die Wahrheit und ich gehe. Bist du glücklich?“
Ich zögere, aber dann… „Nein“, kommt es aus meinem Mund.
„Und warum nicht?“
“Because I miss him.”
Lars nods and leaves the bathroom.
At first, I consider actually taking a shower, but then decide I need to talk to my boyfriend first. I follow him into the kitchen, where he's just taking yesterday's food out of the fridge.
“What do you think now?” I ask, because I have absolutely no idea and he has his poker face on.
“That I should have known.”
„Was?“
"We've been together for three years, and we're actually far too different," says Lars. "I can't keep putting in the effort I've been putting in the last few weeks, and especially not if you don't even notice."
“I noticed it.”
"Yeah, maybe. But you were much more busy with something else."
“And with what?”
"Push away."
Is it just me, or is he suggesting we break up? He can't be serious, after everything I've done to keep us together?
“I think we’ve fooled ourselves long enough…”
"Do you know that I rejected the only real boyfriend I ever had because of you?" I interrupt him angrily. "Because I love you and wanted to be with you . And now you just want to break up with me?"
"No, not easy. I love you too, Finn, but not like I used to. And I think you feel the same way."
I stare at him, open-mouthed. "Is that why you want to break up? Because things aren't the same as they used to be?"
"Yes. And because you fell in love with Felix."
"No I have not."
He sighs and finally stops poking at the food. "You know I hate these "no" games. And I know you can be stubborn as a mule, so why don't we cut this short?"
This is probably my last chance to prevent our breakup. But I'm suddenly certain that I don't want this anymore. I know what Lars is saying, and I think he's right.
"Finn, you're only still with me because you were afraid of losing me otherwise, right?"
“Yes.”
 
After the conversation, I actually took a shower and cried in Lars' arms. He promised me I wouldn't lose him, but as we sat on the couch for the first time as ex-boyfriends, I missed hearing him say, "You smell good." Three years ago. The last time I was single, I was practically a kid.
I spent the night on the sofa, and when I woke up in the morning, Lars was already gone. He offered me to stay with him—at least until I found a job and my own apartment—but that's out of the question for me. Instead, because I have no other option, I'm accepting his second offer: a hotel room for the interim period, at his expense, and a little money to help me survive. It's not like this will ruin him financially. But of course, I still don't feel entirely comfortable with it. I'll look for a job as soon as possible.
I'm wearing the pink bracelet now – probably because I'm not in my right mind at the moment – and every time I look at it I ask myself whether I dare to make contact with Felix. For the first few days the answer is a resounding no . Firstly, because I don't want to jump from one thing to the next, and secondly, because I can only imagine how he would react: angry and stunned that I have the audacity to just show up. But a few days later I can no longer stand sitting around and thinking that I might never see the little rat again. I have to think of something.
After this realization, however, I'm wondering how I can reach him. I've never been to his house and don't have a phone number. He always called me on his cell phone because he doesn't have one. Normally, I'd just drop by the boat rental place again, but since the holidays are long over, he doesn't work there anymore. However... maybe his ex-boss would be kind enough to give me his contact information? After all, we've met before. Briefly. From a distance. I can give it a try...
 
Yes, that was embarrassing. Felix, the little rat, must have told his ex-boss pretty much everything about us and even asked him not to give me any information in case I actually showed up, brazenly. Is he psychic or something? So I had to talk to the guy for ages until he was finally convinced I was serious. But now I have Felix's address. And I have to go there immediately.
Twenty minutes later, I'm standing in front of a white, old building, unable to bring myself to walk through the open front door. What if he slams the door in my face again, and I don't even get a chance to explain everything? What if he's no longer in love with me? What if he invites me in and then I get yelled at by the entire flatmates? And what if he still wants to be with me? Have I really thought this through?
But after a glance at the bracelet on my wrist, I realize I'm not confused at all anymore. Lars was right. And Felix was right. I'm totally in love with the little rat. So I run up to the second floor and ring the doorbell. With sweaty hands, I wait until someone I don't know opens the door.
"Yes?" asks the boy, who—contrary to my expectations—looks completely 'normal.' After what Felix told me about his roommates, I imagined a colorful hippie shared apartment where everyone wears dreadlocks and tie-dye shirts.
“Uh… Is Felix here?” I ask cautiously.
"No," says the boy, his expression darkening slightly. "Are you Finn?"
“Yes.”
He looks me up and down and seems to be waiting for further explanation.
“When is he coming back?” I ask, a little annoyed.
"I don't think he wants to see you."
“I didn’t ask that.”
“But that’s the only thing you’ll learn from me,” he says with a malicious grin and is about to close the door.
"Hey, wait," I say quickly, putting my foot on the doorstep. "Can you take a message to him?"
"No."
"Why? Is this too difficult for you?"
“No, but maybe for him,” he says, making an unmistakable gesture for me to leave.
"Can you at least give him this?" I take the bracelet off my wrist and hold it out to Felix's roommate.
He just raises an eyebrow.
"Please. I'm serious."
He sighs and takes the bracelet from me.
“Thank you,” I say and leave.
Hmm, I somehow imagined it differently. I wanted to give him the bracelet back in person and see his shining eyes when he put it back on. If he throws it away now because he's still mad at me and I didn't even get a chance to talk to him, then I won't have anything left of him. I'd rather just sit here on the stairs until he comes home. But it's probably better if he can get over the shock of the bracelet being returned on his own first. Just sitting in front of his door like that might be a bit creepy. I should give him a bit of time. Then he can think things over while I freak out and wait for him to get in touch.
So, lost in thought, I walk down the stairs and back out onto the street, only to bump into someone in the front door. This person has rather messy hair and is looking at me with wide, shocked eyes. Oh, the tingling is back.
„Finn?“
"Uh, yeah. Hi," I stammer, taking a few steps back. Why do I always have to bump into him? "I was just dropping something off for you." As difficult as it is, I'd rather stick to my plan and let him think it over in peace.
“How do you know where I live?”
“I was at the boat rental and…”
“The boss was talking nonsense,” Felix concludes.
"Yes, but only because I've been talking to him for hours. I, uh... I have to move on now," I say, stumbling back a few steps. I have to get out of here, otherwise my plan won't work.
"Wait. Did you break up with Lars?"
"What makes you think that?"
"You look pretty worn out and... I told my boss to only give you my address if he thinks you deserve another chance."
“What kind of chance?” I ask with a dry mouth.
"Yeah, what kind of chance?" He comes up to me and grabs the neckline of my shirt. His eyes sparkle. "Are you still with Lars?" he asks again, his face very close to mine.
I shake my head.
“Will it stay that way?”
I nod, completely intoxicated by his proximity.
“And are you here now because you finally realized you’re in love with me?”
“Yes,” I croak, while something in my head screams: Yes, damn it, kiss me already!
Felix grins as if he'd heard the roar, tugs on my shirt a little more, and presses his soft lips to mine. "You took your time, Mr. Stinky Boots."
"Shut up," I whisper, throwing my arms around him. To hell with my stupid plan. I'll go with the cheesy fairytale ending, please.
 
"Hey," something whispers next to my ear, and I slowly open my eyes. Felix's face is hovering right above me, or so I think. Everything is pretty blurry, and it's still dark outside.
“We have to stand up.”
“No,” I grumble and turn on my side.
Felix snuggles against my back and kisses my neck. "You've already turned off the alarm twice, now get up."
"You're definitely not going to get me to do that," I say, pulling him into my arms. He lets me kiss him for a while and stroke his stomach with one hand.
“We can’t miss the lecture again,” he giggles.
“He just talks nonsense anyway.”
Yes, that's how it seems. Felix persuaded me to enroll at university. The same one as him. And for the same subject. He said I could just give it a try, and I had no objections. I actually quite like it now, which is probably partly because we can be together most of the time. Some people will probably say that I let Felix dictate my life, but that's not how he is. He only suggested it once and then left the decision entirely up to me. But as so often, he was right. Sometimes he really knows me better than I know myself.
After a brief silence, I'm now in regular contact with Lars again. Felix doesn't mind, even though he was a bit jumpy when we met at first. He always says he knows he has nothing to worry about, but he does get a little jealous. Which I don't really think is a bad thing. I'd be more concerned if it weren't so. These days, we usually visit Lars together; after all, I don't want my new boyfriend and my new best friend to be complete strangers to each other. Of course, the atmosphere was pretty tense at the first few meetings, but once all the issues were settled and all the territories were marked, things got better.
“Mr. Stinky Boots?”
“Yes, little rat?”
“Do you want to wear the bracelet to university this week?” Felix asks, and I immediately hear that he’s up to something.
"No."
„Und warum nicht?“
„Weil es rosa ist“, erkläre ich zum tausendsten Mal und… Ach, ich weiß, was er vorhat.
“Then you’d better get your butt out of bed real quick.”
Bingo! I'd better get up quickly before he gets completely different ideas. The bracelet, I'm sure, is just the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes I really regret buying that thing...
No, of course not.