2025-07-11, 10:22 PM
*** Hello everyone. The author asked me to comment on this story. So if you don't like people constantly interrupting and making nasty comments, then you've come to the wrong place. Oh, and if you're interested, I'm Gloria. My age? Well, that's really beside the point! Well, let's get on with the story. Oh, and if I have something to say, it's written between asterisks.
So, the main character is a completely normal guy, just 16 years old and—how could it be otherwise—gay. If you're thinking that's already out of the question, you're wrong! That's the advantage of an omniscient narrator—I know he's gay. He doesn't. Oh, and for the record: His name is Nathan Ziegler, he's about 175 cm tall, has brown hair, and a pretty good figure. ***
Sleepily, Nathan gropes for the alarm clock that had just abruptly torn him from his dreams. Why couldn't the semester break have already started? No, instead, there were still a few tests and school assignments scheduled for the next few weeks.
Not that Nathan was a bad student, but somehow he lacked the right connection with the others. The other boys in his class were becoming increasingly interested in the girls, but he couldn't quite understand their interest. He only got along reasonably well with Robert. They often sat together in the afternoons, working on the math problems for the next lesson or discussing Cicero's speeches on various topics.
*** We'll skip the usual stuff like showering, brushing teeth, and so on, since everyone probably knows how it goes. The only thing worth noting is that Nathan only drinks a cup of coffee in the morning. So, after removing all the unimportant details, we accompany him straight to school. ***
Monday morning began as usual with a double chemistry lesson. Nathan and Robert, who were also sitting together in the chemistry lab, joined the rest of the class, who found it difficult to get excited about the professor's lectures at 7:30 a.m. on a Monday morning, surrounded by various chemicals—the architect would have been better off planning ventilation for the chemistry lab.
At least he was persuaded not to ignore the break as usual, but to treat himself to a snack.
"So, how were your holidays?"
"Oh, so-so. The usual. Christmas, then a short break from the festivities and an almost seamless transition to the New Year's Eve celebrations, and then the 'every year again' ski vacation," Robert replied.
"Well, yeah. Also during that shoot. And what did you do on New Year's Eve?"
"I actually wanted to go to Karin's party, but my parents wouldn't allow it. So I stayed home. We ate cold cuts, watched TV, and cast lead at midnight."
"And what did you find out?"
"No idea what that was. It looked awfully like goat shit. Great view."
"Take comfort, my New Year's Eve wasn't any more exciting." Nathan was about to begin his description, but the ringing interrupted him.
*** At this point, I'd like to finish where Nathan was interrupted. His New Year's Eve hadn't been any more exciting, especially since he hadn't been invited to Karin's party. ***
The rest of the morning went pretty much as usual. The two boys participated more or less actively in class, discussed their holidays, and made plans to meet after school. They were separated for the last two hours because Robert was attending art class, while Nathan had chosen music because his drawing skills were rather limited.
*** Not that music class was much more exciting—the curriculum claims 16-year-olds should be passionate about music history—but some art teachers are true pedagogical geniuses. And after asking for the umpteenth time what it was supposed to represent, Nathan decided he'd rather agonize over music history than opt for "advanced humiliation." ***
Nathan had barely started his math homework when Robert rang the doorbell.
"Hey, I was just about to start without you."
"Sorry, I couldn't leave earlier. My mom wasn't ready with dinner yet."
Shortly afterwards, the two sat over the examples and realized to their delight that the professor had had a good day.
“What do we do with the rest of the afternoon?”
"I don't know. What about if we just listen to music and chat a bit?"
"Okay. Put something on."
As the first bars of 'The Miracle Of Love' sounded, Robert's face took on a thoughtful expression.
"Tell me, have you ever really been in love?"
"I don't think so. And you?"
"Hmm, I don't really know. I met a nice girl on a skiing holiday..."
"So? Did you—you know?"
"What are you thinking? After that weird evening of fellowship at our inn, she gave me a kiss on the cheek, but that was it."
Nathan noticed that Robert was obviously still a bit stuck with his holiday acquaintance and therefore tried to change the subject.
"Do you know what movie we're seeing at the cinema on Thursday? Mrs. Stangler has been completely silent about it."
"I have no idea. But knowing her, it'll definitely be interesting. She just said it fits with our next topic, 'tolerance.'"
*** Ms. Stangler, nicknamed StaPe by the computer, was in charge of English instruction in the class. After four years with various other teachers, she took over the class last year and taught many a lazy student how to work. With her quick wit, she kept the classroom order like no other and often caused incredulous astonishment when she impressively maintained calm. ***
"I'm going to get some ice cream. Would you like one too? Hello!"
"Hmm, what did you say? I was just lost in thought."
"I noticed that. Would you like some ice cream?"
“Yes, of course,” Robert replied.
When Nathan came back with two cups of vanilla ice cream with thick chocolate sauce, Robert had changed the CD.
»Cos every time I seem to fall in love, Crash! Boom! Bang! I find the heart but then I hit the wall, Crash! Boom! Bang! ...«
"Here, your ice cream."
They spooned their ice cream in silence for a while, then Nathan said, "You loved her, didn't you?"
"I, I don't know. I don't even know what's wrong with me. You think you're just having fun together, and then you get a kiss and suddenly everything's different."
"Do you have her address?"
"No, I completely forgot that, idiot. But at least she asked me for mine."
*** Yeah, that's how men are. If we women didn't always think for them, some dream couples would probably have been lost forever. They were just prototypes, after all. ***
The two spent the rest of the afternoon playing various board games until Robert finally went home that evening. Nathan lay awake for a long time that evening, wondering how he could cheer Robert up, because this whole thing from the ski vacation was obviously bothering him more than he wanted to admit.
That night, he had another strange dream: He's standing in a large dance hall, and one after the other, all the girls in his class come in. But they all walk past him, and in the end, he's surrounded by dancing couples, and mocking, laughing faces circle around him.
The next morning, Nathan set off for school especially early because he really wanted to talk to Robert before the first lesson.
Robert was already there when Nathan came into the class.
"Hey, did you sleep well?" Nathan greeted him.
“Oh, okay,” Robert grumbled back.
"What's wrong? Have you been thinking about her all night?"
"I don't know. Anyway, I haven't been sleeping very well. I don't know what's been going on with me lately."
"Maybe you just long for a girl to share your life with?" "That's probably it."
*** It's always sweet when 16-year-old boys play Dr. Sommer. But let's see, maybe Nathan even hit the nail on the head. ***
»And in the next lesson we're going to start with the next topic. Please read page 37 in your textbook until then.«
"Mrs. Stangler?"
»And Nathan?«
"What movie are we seeing at the cinema on Thursday?"
"I don't want to reveal that yet."
Disappointed, Nathan went back to his seat where Robert was waiting for him, grinning.
"Well, you curious soul. Did you succeed?"
"No, you heard that."
In the afternoon, Robert called Nathan.
»Ziegler?«
"Hello, Ms. Ziegler, this is Robert Falkner. Is Nathan available?"
"Yes, just a minute, I'll get it. – Nathan, phone!"
A little later Nathan was downstairs.
"Who is it?"
»Robert.«
"Hello Robert, what's up?"
»Steffi wrote to me!«
"Who?"
"Steffi. You know, the girl from the ski vacation."
"And?"
"She writes that she thought I was really nice and that she's sorry we didn't meet sooner. - Hello, are you still there?"
"Yeah, yeah, I think it's really nice for you. Will you see each other again sometime?"
"She writes that she might come and visit during the semester break."
"Hey, so? Are you inviting her?"
"I don't know yet. I have to ask my parents first. See you tomorrow?"
"Sure, it's school anyway. See you then."
"See you then."
Nathan slowly hung up the phone and went back to his room. Suddenly, he felt empty inside. Somehow, he wholeheartedly congratulated Robert on his happiness, but he was also afraid. Afraid of losing his only friend.
When Robert was so sad, he could be there for him, but if he were to enter into a relationship now, he'd just be the fifth wheel. The longer he thought about it, the more horrible his vision of the future became, until finally, tears welled up and he cried himself to sleep.
*** Well, darling, I'd say based on the symptoms, it's a clear case. The stuff that love, intrigue, jealousy, and most daily soaps are made of. It remains to be seen whether the friendship is stronger. ***
When the alarm woke Nathan up in the morning, he was drenched in sweat and his bed was a mess. He'd slept pretty badly all night and been chased by monsters.
Nathan heavily made his way to the bathroom, washed his face with cold water, and finally realized that all his efforts to make the dark circles under his eyes disappear were in vain.
*** Yeah, who doesn't know the problem? Apparently, no makeup has been invented yet that truly covers dark circles. Welcome to real life, kid. ***
“Don’t dawdle around like that, you’ll be late for school,” his mother called from downstairs.
"I'm coming."
"Well, I think that's a rumor."
Nathan hurried to drink his coffee and get out of the house. His mother was in an unbearably good mood again, and although he wasn't usually a morning person, after that night he decided to skip it.
As soon as he arrived at school, Robert greeted him.
"Hey, I thought you weren't coming today."
"I didn't sleep well. What's wrong?"
"Here, this is him."
Robert waved a piece of paper in front of Nathan's nose.
"That's who?"
"Well, the letter. You're slow today."
"Oh, from your vacation acquaintance."
"Yes, that's it. Just look at that handwriting. So beautifully even and curved."
In fact, the page contained perfectly straight lines in beautiful handwriting.
"And the paper is even scented," Robert continued, clearly in seventh heaven.
Nathan wasn't even listening closely to what Robert was saying. He could only feel a lump growing in his throat, threatening to cut off his breath. He felt as if he was about to throw up his coffee at any moment. What was wrong with him? He should be genuinely happy for his friend that he was so in love. Was it jealousy of his happiness? Or simply fear of being alone?
The bell ringing for the first hour interrupted Robert's ravings and brought them both back down to earth.
For the last two classes, Nathan and Robert had gymnastics. Nathan actually hated gymnastics class because he wasn't athletic or passionate about sports. While he was fortunate that it didn't negatively affect his figure, he could have lived perfectly well without it.
In the first lesson there was musical gymnastics to cassettes that had already been out of fashion in the professor's youth, and then floor gymnastics was tested.
Nathan managed the various roll variations fairly well, but he more or less failed at cartwheels and handstands.
*** Yes, we're not learning for school, but for life. And if a pack of enemy agents ever comes after us, we can impress them with a handstand or a headstand, and then make a flying roll or cartwheel to escape. ***
In the second period, the professor was persuaded to form three teams and play soccer. Although Nathan usually hated this form of sport, it wasn't such a bad idea today.
Somehow, he felt the urge to kick the ball uncontrollably today. In the very first game, Nathan and Robert met as opponents.
Kick-off.
A player from the opposing team, who had been assigned to the defense, approached Nathan. It was Alexander. Nathan didn't like him because, in his eyes, he was a disgusting show-off who also had no brains. But he was an ace at sports, and the girls fell at his feet because of that, and also because of his toned physique. In an instant, Alexander outsmarted Nathan and put the ball in the goal.
"Try it with a little effort next time," Stefan grumbled at Nathan.
"Very funny. Go on, answer it yourself."
After ten minutes, Nathan's team had lost heavily, leaving the third team to battle against Alex and Co. After another ten minutes, the same team emerged victorious from the battle.
"This time I'll play defender and you'll go into midfield," Stefan said to Nathan.
"If you think."
“Maybe you can do more,” Stefan said with a mocking grin.
"Very funny."
Throughout the game, Nathan's team held on bravely and was even only one goal behind shortly before the end.
"We can still do that."
"Of course."
»Let's go!«
Shortly after kickoff, Nathan received the ball. Everyone else was covered by opposing players, so he made his way toward the goal alone.
"Don't screw this up," flashed through his mind. But Robert had already noticed that Nathan was trying to go it alone and ran towards him. Nathan was just a few meters away from the goal, and he took aim, but just as he was about to go through, Robert snatched the ball away from him.
But he hadn't expected that Nathan had already been in the shot, and now hit him with full force in the lower leg. The subsequent flight was followed by a hard landing.
The professor whistled for a foul and rushed to Robert, who was lying on the ground groaning and holding his foot. Nathan stood there, stunned, not knowing what to say or do.
“Let me feel, is anything broken?” asked the professor.
"No, I, I don't think so, but it hurts like hell."
"Nathan, go outside with him and put some cool compresses on his leg. You got the red card, by the way."
"After class, I'll take you to the hospital so a doctor can look at your foot," he said to Robert before he hobbled to the dressing room with Nathan's help.
"Hey, I'm really sorry," Nathan said, "but I didn't want to mess it up and I just couldn't stop."
"It's okay. Next time I'll give you a wide berth if you come with a ball."
"I hope it's nothing serious."
"It's no big deal, it'll be fine in a few days. It'll be a nice bump."
"Why bump?"
"Well, because I hit the ground pretty hard when I landed."
"Wait, I'll put a cold cloth on there too."
"Leave it. I'm not a washerwoman. It's okay. It's not that tragic. Hey, don't look so freaked out. People might think you killed someone."
Before they could continue talking, the crowd stormed out of the gym. Robert and Nathan also started changing, and a little later the professor arrived.
"Ready to leave, Robert?"
"Yes right away."
"Can I come along too? After all, I'm the one to blame for this whole mess."
"Well done."
Arriving at the hospital, they discovered that today had apparently been a popular day for accidents. Almost all the seats in the waiting room were taken, and the nurse at the reception desk said it would probably take a while.
After completing the formalities, the professor said to the two of them: "Unfortunately, I can't stay with you because I have a dentist appointment myself, but I hope I can rely on you not to do anything stupid."
"It's fine. I can't do any big jumps anyway."
After the professor left and some time had passed, Nathan said, "What do you think about me sitting down and you sitting on my lap? My feet are about to fall off."
"Are you crazy? I'm not gay!"
"What does that have to do with it?"
"Only girls do that!"
After an endless two hours, it was finally Robert's turn.
The doctor said that luckily it was only a minor bruise and the bone wasn't damaged. "No sports for the next few weeks and just rest completely. Also, rub in this ointment twice a day and bandage it with a bandage* during the day." (* Austrian: Fasche – German: elastic bandage)
Robert called his parents from the hospital and his father came to pick up the two boys.
"Your mother was very upset when she heard you were calling from the hospital. But I calmed her down right away and told her it wasn't that bad."
"Thanks, Dad."
“But next time, be more careful when you defend yourself,” said Mr. Falkner with a wink.
Nathan sat silently in the car the whole way and watched the streets go by.
"Are you asleep? We're here."
"Oh. I was just lost in thought. Thanks for bringing me home, Mr. Falkner. And sorry again about your bruised foot."
"It's not that bad. See you tomorrow."
"Okay. See you later. Bye."
That evening, too, Nathan lay awake for a long time, pondering. Why had everything become so complicated? He used to sit on Robert's lap and nobody cared. And now, all of a sudden, it was gay?
"Does sitting on a man's lap make you gay? What is gay, anyway? Isn't it weird when you kiss a man?" Finally, Nathan fell asleep, dreaming of fairies, elves, and better days.
The next morning, Nathan was in a hurry to get to school because he didn't want to miss the cinema.
*** Cinema isn't recommended until after the fourth hour, but that's just how young people are. Boisterous and enthusiastic. It's nice, isn't it? ***
The others in Nathan's class were similarly curious, and so this was one of the rare days when everyone was already at school well before the first lesson. And, of course, there was a lot of guessing and speculation about which film would be on the program. The wildest speculations suggested films, but the needle of probability burst many a bubble.
After an endless two and a half hours of school, Ms. Stangler finally came in to pick up the class. Mr. Kettenbauer, the class's math teacher, was even glad to be able to leave early, as attention had already plummeted to near zero.
Five minutes later, the entire class was standing in front of the school gate, ready to leave. "We're going to the movie theater now. The owner of the theater has agreed to hold an extra screening for us this morning. So let's go."
*** A little side note: The Filmpalast is a small cinema that, in addition to the usual Hollywood fare, also shows more upscale films and original versions. ***
Arriving at the cinema, Ms. Stangler paid for the class and agreed with the owner that she needed a few minutes with the class before the film started.
»Sit down and shut up please. Today we're going to see a film about two boys discovering their identity and feelings. The film will be in English, but there are German subtitles. I would ask you to try to follow the film without reading them. Homework until Saturday is to write down the plot of the film. Ok. Let's go now. Film ab bitte.«
After discovering the film's title was 'Beautiful Thing,' Nathan started thinking again—as much as he could think about it casually. Surely he'd heard the title somewhere before? Or was it just his imagination?
Jamie wants to rub Ste's back and lets him smell a bottle of peppermint foot balm.
Jamie: »Like it and I rub it into your back ... If you want.«
Jamie: »Cold, isn't it?«
Ste: »Yeah.«
Jamie gently rubs Ste's back, but is careful not to touch the bruises.
Nathan watched in disbelief, becoming increasingly confused. Why didn't he find it repulsive? What was this strange tingling sensation that was driving him crazy? And why did something start to stir in his pants when one boy rubbed another's back?
Jamie: »Have you ever kissed anyone and stuck your tongue in?«
Ste: »How can I do this?«
Jamie: »It ain't ugly.«
Ste: »With me it'd be ugly.«
Jamie: »I don't think you're ugly.«
Jamie: »Turn over, I do your front.«
Ste: »I can't ... I'm too sore.«
"Shh! Robert. Why doesn't he turn around?"
"I don't know. Maybe he's got a boner."
"How come?"
"I don't know. Don't ask such stupid questions."
Ste: »Turn the light off ... Please.«
Jamie: »I don't wanna.«
She quickly slips under the covers and the two lie head to toe.
Jamie: »Can I come up there?«
You: "Well."
Jamie: »Please.«
Ste: »Stay where you are!«
Ste watches Jamie anxiously, struggling with himself. Finally, he turns and lies face to face with Jamie.
Ste: »Satisfied?«
Jamie: »Mhm ... Night.«
Jamie kisses Ste on the lips. Fearful glances follow, turning into tender ones.
Ste: »Do you think I'm queer?«
Jamie: »Don't know what I think.«
Jamie turns off the light.
Jamie: »Can I touch you?«
Ste: »I'm a bit sore.«
Jamie: »Yeah.«
Jamie touches Ste tenderly...
1996 Channel Four Corporation)
Nathan barely registered the rest of the film; the emerging emotions consumed his entire attention. It became increasingly clear to him that he, Nathan Ziegler, was gay.
And he envied Ste and Jamie. He wanted to have a friend too, to be held, caressed, kissed.
*** Nathan is so preoccupied with himself that he doesn't even notice that Robert has been leaning his leg against his the whole time and even briefly touches Nathan's knee during a kissing scene. Was that a coincidence? We'll see. ***
When the film ended and the others had already stood up to gather in the anteroom, Nathan was still sitting in his chair, staring transfixed at the screen.
"Hey, wake up! We're leaving," said Robert. "What's wrong? Did you see a ghost or do you have a crush?"
After these words, Nathan jumped up and stormed out of the cinema past Mrs. Stangler and the others.
"Nathan! Stop! You can't just run away like that. You stay here."
But when Mrs. Stangler came out of the cinema and looked around, Nathan was already gone.
Part
2
–
Coming
Out
Nathan ran three blocks before he ran out of breath. Breathless, he leaned against a wall. A wave of problems loomed before his mind, ready to crash down on him at any moment.
"Gays kidnap children."
"Gays are obsessed with youth."
"Gays die alone."
"Gays have AIDS."
"Gays are perverts."
"Gays live against nature."
"Gays..."
The sentences raced through Nathan's head faster and faster, spinning in circles—faster! Faster! Faster!
Nathan didn't even notice his knees going weak and the ground beneath his feet giving way. A brief feeling of dizziness and blackness settled over his face like a blanket before he passed out.
*** It's truly irresponsible to inflict such stupid prejudices on young people (and everyone else, too). And when they're affected themselves, something like this happens, and everyone is surprised. Hopefully, this will turn out well for Nathan. ***
“Hey, man, wake up,” was the first thing Nathan heard again.
He slowly opened his eyes and tried to sit up, but was immediately gently held back by a hand. As the fog lifted, he looked into two bright blue eyes.
The owner of these two eyes might have been just 18 years old.
"What, what happened?" asked Nathan.
The boy replied, "I just came from the drugstore over there and saw you fall over here like a log. I couldn't just stand by and watch."
Only now did Nathan notice that the unknown helper was kneeling beside him without a jacket, and that the jacket was under his head. The pleasant scent filled his nostrils.
"What's your name, actually?"
"Nathan. And you?"
"Manuel. Come on, I'll help you up, otherwise you'll catch a cold here on the floor."
Before Nathan could protest, Manuel grabbed him under the shoulders as if he were carrying an unconscious man.
Was he imagining it or did Manuel hold him for a moment longer than necessary?
"You know what? Let's go to that café over there and have some hot tea to get your circulation going again."
Nathan wanted to reply, but Manuel's determination tolerated no contradiction.
Shortly afterwards they sat opposite each other with a cup of hot fruit tea.
“Has something like this happened to you before?” asked Manuel.
"Uh. How? What?" Nathan's thoughts were already elsewhere.
*** Well, not really anywhere else. On the one hand, he'd been lost in Manuel's eyes, and on the other, he was wondering if he was really gay. We'll see how this continues. It's really sizzling and exciting. ***
"I meant, have you ever fainted?"
"Actually not."
After a short pause, Nathan asked, "Are you still going to school?"
"Yes. But not here. I won't be going to the local high school until next semester. We just moved here recently, and I'm finishing the semester at my old school."
"Hey, then we'll probably see each other more often. I go to the gym here too. And what grade are you in?"
»7. And you?«
"I'm only in 6th grade. I would have thought you were older."
"That's probably because, at 189 cm, I'm not exactly average height for my age. Hmm. I have to go now, unfortunately, or my mother will worry. You know how it is. But if you want, you can come along. My parents certainly won't mind."
"Hmm. Yes, gladly."
After paying, they set off. Manuel's house was located in a residential area on the outskirts of town, so they took a few stops by bus. After walking a few more blocks, they found themselves in front of a charming single-family home.
"Here we are. Do you like it?"
"Yeah, nice. Let's go inside, it's starting to snow."
"Hello, who's home?"
"Hello Manuel, I'm here in the kitchen."
A pleasantly soft female voice came from the kitchen.
"I have a visitor," said Manuel and went into the kitchen with Nathan.
"This is Nathan. And this is my mother."
"Hello, Ms. Um..." Nathan felt himself blush.
"Wallner," added Manuel's mother, "But that's okay. Just make yourself at home here—as much as you can. We haven't finished unpacking everything yet. Manuel probably already told you that we just moved here."
"Yes, I did. We'll go over to my room then."
"Is good."
"Don't be alarmed when you go in, it still looks a bit old," said Manuel.
*** Always such understatements. The room contained only the furniture—a wide bed, by the way—and a ton of large and small moving boxes. There was also a lot of unpacked stuff in between, waiting to be put away. ***
"I can't disagree with you," Nathan said with a cheeky grin.
"Let's just sit on the bed, the chair is already full," Manuel suggested. "Well, this is my future kingdom."
"What is that?" asked Nathan, pointing to a colorful piece of fabric hanging from one of the boxes.
Manuel blushed a little and looked embarrassed: "Oh, it's just a flag, nothing more." He quickly tried to stuff the piece of fabric back into the box.
"Can I see it? What do you need it for?"
*** 100 points for you, sweetheart! Ever heard of sensitivity, tact, or tact? The guy turns red and tries to hide it quickly, and you dig in without hesitation or mercy... ***
Hesitantly, Manuel pulled a rainbow flag out of the box. The flag seemed somehow familiar to Nathan, but he couldn't figure out where. After Nathan examined the flag, Manuel carefully folded it back up and put it back in the box.
"Where did you get these?" asked Nathan.
"It was a gift from my mother."
Meanwhile, Manuel had sat back down on the bed next to Nathan, and they were now sitting only a leg's width apart. Manuel's proximity confused Nathan, as did the strange tingling sensation that had been running through him the whole time.
The conversation had reached a standstill anyway, and they were just gazing deep into each other's eyes. Nathan lost himself in those radiant eyes, immersed himself in them, and took off. He wanted to touch Manuel, hold him, simply feel his warmth.
But at that moment, Manuel jumped up and looked at Nathan with fear-filled eyes. "Do you hate me now? I think it's better if you leave now."
Nathan didn't know what was going on and didn't respond to Manuel's request.
"Please go. Go!"
"What's wrong, why should I hate you?"
"Well, because of the matter."
"What kind of thing?"
*** Honey, you're really more naive than the police allow. The guy picks you up off the street, takes you for tea, takes you home, has a rainbow flag, looks deep into your eyes, and sits within touching distance. What else do you need to figure out what's going on? A billboard on the main road? Radio announcements? Oh well. Then back to the action. ***
During the conversation, they moved toward Manuel's bedroom door. "That I'm gay. I like guys."
*** It's a shame you can't see Nathan's expression. I've rarely seen a dumberer one. ***
Nathan's confusion escalated beyond measure. Was this something bad? With moist eyes, Manuel walked him to the door and briefly raised his hand in farewell before closing the door behind Nathan.
Now Nathan stood amidst dancing snowflakes, not knowing what was happening to him. He felt like crying. He slowly made his way toward the city.
But at the very first intersection, he changed his plan and walked aimlessly through the settlement. The longer he walked, the clearer his thoughts became, the more he made up his mind. He had to go back to Manuel and tell him that he didn't hate him, that he felt the same way.
After two laps around the block, he finally plucked up the courage to ring the bell. Mrs. Wallner opened the door. For a moment, her face seemed to express something like relief, or was he just imagining it?
"Sorry to bother you again, but I think I left my fountain pen at Manuel's."
*** Boy, boy, I've heard a lot of bad excuses, but this one beats them all. ***
"Just go back, he's in his room."
Nathan wondered if Mrs. Wallner really hadn't noticed the argument, or if she was just a good actress.
He timidly knocked on the door to Manuel's room. A tentative "Come in" followed, and Nathan went in. Manuel was obviously surprised that it was Nathan and tried to look friendly, but Nathan noticed that he had apparently been crying a moment before.
He quickly closed the door.
"I've been thinking again about what you said before."
“And?” Manuel replied anxiously.
"I've realized a few things," Nathan said, taking a step closer to Manuel. When Nathan was now standing directly in front of him, Manuel lowered his head. Nathan gently lifted his chin, looked briefly into his blue eyes, which were looking at him anxiously and questioningly, and gave him a gentle kiss on the mouth.
"You too?" Manuel stammered, but Nathan just quietly gestured to him not to ruin the moment with words and hugged him. It seemed like an eternity in seventh heaven, as they stood there, embracing each other. He felt Manuel's hand resting in his hair, he felt his closeness, his warmth, the wonderful scent.
After a seemingly endless embrace, they separated.
"Since when did you know?" Nathan asked.
"Good question. I've only been aware of it since I was 16, actually. I've had crushes on boys before, but I just couldn't figure it out. And you?"
"Since this morning. We were watching 'Beautiful Thing' in the cinema and that's when it suddenly became clear to me."
"And it all became a bit much for you."
"Exactly. Does anyone actually know about you?"
"So my best friends know, and my parents, and of course the guys in the group."
"What kind of group?"
"I meet up twice a month with other gay guys around our age. It's a bit of a drive, but it's worth it. Want to come next time?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Don't panic, no one will bite. They've all been through the same thing as you."
"I'll think about it. I think I have to go now, otherwise my mother will file a missing person report. You know how mothers are."
"See you tomorrow?"
"Let's see if the teachers are merciful tomorrow."
"I'll definitely write down my phone number for you. Will you give me yours too?"
"Yeah, sure." After successfully exchanging numbers, Manuel accompanied Nathan to the front door and hugged him goodbye.
"Well then, take care and see you soon."
“Yes, you too,” Nathan said goodbye.
*** Well, just kiss him! Everyone in the house already knows that you're head over heels in love, and no one's watching anyway. ***
Despite saying goodbye, they still stood in front of the locked front door, holding hands. Manuel gazed deeply into Nathan's eyes, and Nathan, too, was lost in them. Manuel gently pulled him closer and whispered a questioning "May I?"
»Was?«
*** Boy, boy. What do you think? Crochet yourself a potholder? ***
"Kiss you."
Instead of answering, Nathan pulled Manuel even closer to him and shortly afterwards their tongues were already dancing the lovers' dance.
Full of pleasure and affection, they explored each other, Nathan's hand slipping under Manuel's shirt, and Manuel, too, embarked on an exploration. A little later, when Nathan's jacket was already on the floor, the two were interrupted by a clearing of the throat.
"I don't want to disturb you both, but wouldn't you like to continue in your room?" said Mrs. Wallner.
Nathan immediately blushed. "We, I mean I, I mean we..."
"It's okay. I know about it and I don't have a problem with it. To be honest, I was even hoping you'd come back. But don't let it bother you any longer."
"I really have to go now. See you tomorrow. I promise."
"Okay, see you later." One last kiss was exchanged and then we really went out into the cold reality.
*** Well, he can really count himself lucky with this mother-in-law. Another woman might have chased him out of the house as soon as she woke up from her faint. ***
Part
3
–
Almost
Unreal
Outside in the clear winter air, it became increasingly clear to Nathan that he was head over heels in love with this boy he had just kissed so passionately. And what had seemed like the end of the world just a few hours ago took on a completely different tone. Nathan set off for home in high spirits.
At home he was immediately welcomed by his mother.
"Tell me, do you actually know what time it is? You could have at least called."
Only now did Nathan realize that he should have been home a few hours ago.
"I'm sorry, I totally lost track of time."
And before his mother could ask any further questions, Nathan disappeared into his room.
The next morning, Nathan was immediately greeted by Robert at school.
"Tell me, what was going on yesterday? You were running like who knows what was after you."
Nathan felt himself blush. What should he do? He didn't want to lie to his best friend, but he couldn't tell him the truth.
He wasn't even sure if he had dreamed it all. But Manuel's kisses had tasted too real for that.
"I guess I can't get anything out of you," said Robert. "Then let's go downstairs. We have gymnastics again today."
"Do you think Mrs. Stangler will say something to my parents?"
"I don't know. She definitely said you should contact her today."
On the way to the gym, Nathan wondered what Mrs. Stangler wanted from him. Did she already know everything and just want him as a messenger for his death sentence? Did she want to know what was going on?
As they entered the locker room, he immediately found a distraction from his thoughts. Something was different today. He hurried to put on his gym clothes and tried not to look at anyone.
But what was different?
Hadn't he always been gay?
Was he afraid of getting an erection in front of everyone?
*** Oh, he's really not making it easy for himself. Nothing happened the many times before, either. ***
After an interminable three hours, Nathan went to the conference room during the break to report to Ms. Stangler. After she arrived, she told Nathan they had something to discuss. They went into a small meeting room, and Ms. Stangler gestured for Nathan to sit down.
"I assume you had a good reason to run away yesterday," she said calmly.
Nathan felt himself turning bright red again.
"I, um, I, well..."
"I haven't told anyone about this yet because I think we can sort it out. But you have to realize that you could have gotten me into a lot of trouble. If anything had happened to you, I would have been fully responsible."
"I'm sorry."
"Then we'll consider this a done deal. Right, I still have to get my things for my next class. Stay here a moment and think everything through again."
As she picked up her bag, a small booklet fell out.
"You've lost something there."
"Oh, look, it can stay there. I don't need it anymore. Anyway, I really have to go now."
In the doorway she turned around again: "Oh yes."
Nathan looked up questioningly.
"Go your way and be happy."
With these words, she closed the door behind her. Nathan stood up and went to the magazine lying on the floor next to the sofa where Ms. Stangler had just been sitting. It was the magazine of a gay group. Somehow, it dawned on him that Ms. Stangler knew more than he had thought.
*** But surely, darling, that woman didn't become a teacher for nothing. She can empathize with her students. And when someone sits there on 'Beautiful Thing' as if they've been struck by lightning and then runs away, that's almost like a coming out. ***
So, the main character is a completely normal guy, just 16 years old and—how could it be otherwise—gay. If you're thinking that's already out of the question, you're wrong! That's the advantage of an omniscient narrator—I know he's gay. He doesn't. Oh, and for the record: His name is Nathan Ziegler, he's about 175 cm tall, has brown hair, and a pretty good figure. ***
Sleepily, Nathan gropes for the alarm clock that had just abruptly torn him from his dreams. Why couldn't the semester break have already started? No, instead, there were still a few tests and school assignments scheduled for the next few weeks.
Not that Nathan was a bad student, but somehow he lacked the right connection with the others. The other boys in his class were becoming increasingly interested in the girls, but he couldn't quite understand their interest. He only got along reasonably well with Robert. They often sat together in the afternoons, working on the math problems for the next lesson or discussing Cicero's speeches on various topics.
*** We'll skip the usual stuff like showering, brushing teeth, and so on, since everyone probably knows how it goes. The only thing worth noting is that Nathan only drinks a cup of coffee in the morning. So, after removing all the unimportant details, we accompany him straight to school. ***
Monday morning began as usual with a double chemistry lesson. Nathan and Robert, who were also sitting together in the chemistry lab, joined the rest of the class, who found it difficult to get excited about the professor's lectures at 7:30 a.m. on a Monday morning, surrounded by various chemicals—the architect would have been better off planning ventilation for the chemistry lab.
At least he was persuaded not to ignore the break as usual, but to treat himself to a snack.
"So, how were your holidays?"
"Oh, so-so. The usual. Christmas, then a short break from the festivities and an almost seamless transition to the New Year's Eve celebrations, and then the 'every year again' ski vacation," Robert replied.
"Well, yeah. Also during that shoot. And what did you do on New Year's Eve?"
"I actually wanted to go to Karin's party, but my parents wouldn't allow it. So I stayed home. We ate cold cuts, watched TV, and cast lead at midnight."
"And what did you find out?"
"No idea what that was. It looked awfully like goat shit. Great view."
"Take comfort, my New Year's Eve wasn't any more exciting." Nathan was about to begin his description, but the ringing interrupted him.
*** At this point, I'd like to finish where Nathan was interrupted. His New Year's Eve hadn't been any more exciting, especially since he hadn't been invited to Karin's party. ***
The rest of the morning went pretty much as usual. The two boys participated more or less actively in class, discussed their holidays, and made plans to meet after school. They were separated for the last two hours because Robert was attending art class, while Nathan had chosen music because his drawing skills were rather limited.
*** Not that music class was much more exciting—the curriculum claims 16-year-olds should be passionate about music history—but some art teachers are true pedagogical geniuses. And after asking for the umpteenth time what it was supposed to represent, Nathan decided he'd rather agonize over music history than opt for "advanced humiliation." ***
Nathan had barely started his math homework when Robert rang the doorbell.
"Hey, I was just about to start without you."
"Sorry, I couldn't leave earlier. My mom wasn't ready with dinner yet."
Shortly afterwards, the two sat over the examples and realized to their delight that the professor had had a good day.
“What do we do with the rest of the afternoon?”
"I don't know. What about if we just listen to music and chat a bit?"
"Okay. Put something on."
As the first bars of 'The Miracle Of Love' sounded, Robert's face took on a thoughtful expression.
"Tell me, have you ever really been in love?"
"I don't think so. And you?"
"Hmm, I don't really know. I met a nice girl on a skiing holiday..."
"So? Did you—you know?"
"What are you thinking? After that weird evening of fellowship at our inn, she gave me a kiss on the cheek, but that was it."
Nathan noticed that Robert was obviously still a bit stuck with his holiday acquaintance and therefore tried to change the subject.
"Do you know what movie we're seeing at the cinema on Thursday? Mrs. Stangler has been completely silent about it."
"I have no idea. But knowing her, it'll definitely be interesting. She just said it fits with our next topic, 'tolerance.'"
*** Ms. Stangler, nicknamed StaPe by the computer, was in charge of English instruction in the class. After four years with various other teachers, she took over the class last year and taught many a lazy student how to work. With her quick wit, she kept the classroom order like no other and often caused incredulous astonishment when she impressively maintained calm. ***
"I'm going to get some ice cream. Would you like one too? Hello!"
"Hmm, what did you say? I was just lost in thought."
"I noticed that. Would you like some ice cream?"
“Yes, of course,” Robert replied.
When Nathan came back with two cups of vanilla ice cream with thick chocolate sauce, Robert had changed the CD.
»Cos every time I seem to fall in love, Crash! Boom! Bang! I find the heart but then I hit the wall, Crash! Boom! Bang! ...«
"Here, your ice cream."
They spooned their ice cream in silence for a while, then Nathan said, "You loved her, didn't you?"
"I, I don't know. I don't even know what's wrong with me. You think you're just having fun together, and then you get a kiss and suddenly everything's different."
"Do you have her address?"
"No, I completely forgot that, idiot. But at least she asked me for mine."
*** Yeah, that's how men are. If we women didn't always think for them, some dream couples would probably have been lost forever. They were just prototypes, after all. ***
The two spent the rest of the afternoon playing various board games until Robert finally went home that evening. Nathan lay awake for a long time that evening, wondering how he could cheer Robert up, because this whole thing from the ski vacation was obviously bothering him more than he wanted to admit.
That night, he had another strange dream: He's standing in a large dance hall, and one after the other, all the girls in his class come in. But they all walk past him, and in the end, he's surrounded by dancing couples, and mocking, laughing faces circle around him.
The next morning, Nathan set off for school especially early because he really wanted to talk to Robert before the first lesson.
Robert was already there when Nathan came into the class.
"Hey, did you sleep well?" Nathan greeted him.
“Oh, okay,” Robert grumbled back.
"What's wrong? Have you been thinking about her all night?"
"I don't know. Anyway, I haven't been sleeping very well. I don't know what's been going on with me lately."
"Maybe you just long for a girl to share your life with?" "That's probably it."
*** It's always sweet when 16-year-old boys play Dr. Sommer. But let's see, maybe Nathan even hit the nail on the head. ***
»And in the next lesson we're going to start with the next topic. Please read page 37 in your textbook until then.«
"Mrs. Stangler?"
»And Nathan?«
"What movie are we seeing at the cinema on Thursday?"
"I don't want to reveal that yet."
Disappointed, Nathan went back to his seat where Robert was waiting for him, grinning.
"Well, you curious soul. Did you succeed?"
"No, you heard that."
In the afternoon, Robert called Nathan.
»Ziegler?«
"Hello, Ms. Ziegler, this is Robert Falkner. Is Nathan available?"
"Yes, just a minute, I'll get it. – Nathan, phone!"
A little later Nathan was downstairs.
"Who is it?"
»Robert.«
"Hello Robert, what's up?"
»Steffi wrote to me!«
"Who?"
"Steffi. You know, the girl from the ski vacation."
"And?"
"She writes that she thought I was really nice and that she's sorry we didn't meet sooner. - Hello, are you still there?"
"Yeah, yeah, I think it's really nice for you. Will you see each other again sometime?"
"She writes that she might come and visit during the semester break."
"Hey, so? Are you inviting her?"
"I don't know yet. I have to ask my parents first. See you tomorrow?"
"Sure, it's school anyway. See you then."
"See you then."
Nathan slowly hung up the phone and went back to his room. Suddenly, he felt empty inside. Somehow, he wholeheartedly congratulated Robert on his happiness, but he was also afraid. Afraid of losing his only friend.
When Robert was so sad, he could be there for him, but if he were to enter into a relationship now, he'd just be the fifth wheel. The longer he thought about it, the more horrible his vision of the future became, until finally, tears welled up and he cried himself to sleep.
*** Well, darling, I'd say based on the symptoms, it's a clear case. The stuff that love, intrigue, jealousy, and most daily soaps are made of. It remains to be seen whether the friendship is stronger. ***
When the alarm woke Nathan up in the morning, he was drenched in sweat and his bed was a mess. He'd slept pretty badly all night and been chased by monsters.
Nathan heavily made his way to the bathroom, washed his face with cold water, and finally realized that all his efforts to make the dark circles under his eyes disappear were in vain.
*** Yeah, who doesn't know the problem? Apparently, no makeup has been invented yet that truly covers dark circles. Welcome to real life, kid. ***
“Don’t dawdle around like that, you’ll be late for school,” his mother called from downstairs.
"I'm coming."
"Well, I think that's a rumor."
Nathan hurried to drink his coffee and get out of the house. His mother was in an unbearably good mood again, and although he wasn't usually a morning person, after that night he decided to skip it.
As soon as he arrived at school, Robert greeted him.
"Hey, I thought you weren't coming today."
"I didn't sleep well. What's wrong?"
"Here, this is him."
Robert waved a piece of paper in front of Nathan's nose.
"That's who?"
"Well, the letter. You're slow today."
"Oh, from your vacation acquaintance."
"Yes, that's it. Just look at that handwriting. So beautifully even and curved."
In fact, the page contained perfectly straight lines in beautiful handwriting.
"And the paper is even scented," Robert continued, clearly in seventh heaven.
Nathan wasn't even listening closely to what Robert was saying. He could only feel a lump growing in his throat, threatening to cut off his breath. He felt as if he was about to throw up his coffee at any moment. What was wrong with him? He should be genuinely happy for his friend that he was so in love. Was it jealousy of his happiness? Or simply fear of being alone?
The bell ringing for the first hour interrupted Robert's ravings and brought them both back down to earth.
For the last two classes, Nathan and Robert had gymnastics. Nathan actually hated gymnastics class because he wasn't athletic or passionate about sports. While he was fortunate that it didn't negatively affect his figure, he could have lived perfectly well without it.
In the first lesson there was musical gymnastics to cassettes that had already been out of fashion in the professor's youth, and then floor gymnastics was tested.
Nathan managed the various roll variations fairly well, but he more or less failed at cartwheels and handstands.
*** Yes, we're not learning for school, but for life. And if a pack of enemy agents ever comes after us, we can impress them with a handstand or a headstand, and then make a flying roll or cartwheel to escape. ***
In the second period, the professor was persuaded to form three teams and play soccer. Although Nathan usually hated this form of sport, it wasn't such a bad idea today.
Somehow, he felt the urge to kick the ball uncontrollably today. In the very first game, Nathan and Robert met as opponents.
Kick-off.
A player from the opposing team, who had been assigned to the defense, approached Nathan. It was Alexander. Nathan didn't like him because, in his eyes, he was a disgusting show-off who also had no brains. But he was an ace at sports, and the girls fell at his feet because of that, and also because of his toned physique. In an instant, Alexander outsmarted Nathan and put the ball in the goal.
"Try it with a little effort next time," Stefan grumbled at Nathan.
"Very funny. Go on, answer it yourself."
After ten minutes, Nathan's team had lost heavily, leaving the third team to battle against Alex and Co. After another ten minutes, the same team emerged victorious from the battle.
"This time I'll play defender and you'll go into midfield," Stefan said to Nathan.
"If you think."
“Maybe you can do more,” Stefan said with a mocking grin.
"Very funny."
Throughout the game, Nathan's team held on bravely and was even only one goal behind shortly before the end.
"We can still do that."
"Of course."
»Let's go!«
Shortly after kickoff, Nathan received the ball. Everyone else was covered by opposing players, so he made his way toward the goal alone.
"Don't screw this up," flashed through his mind. But Robert had already noticed that Nathan was trying to go it alone and ran towards him. Nathan was just a few meters away from the goal, and he took aim, but just as he was about to go through, Robert snatched the ball away from him.
But he hadn't expected that Nathan had already been in the shot, and now hit him with full force in the lower leg. The subsequent flight was followed by a hard landing.
The professor whistled for a foul and rushed to Robert, who was lying on the ground groaning and holding his foot. Nathan stood there, stunned, not knowing what to say or do.
“Let me feel, is anything broken?” asked the professor.
"No, I, I don't think so, but it hurts like hell."
"Nathan, go outside with him and put some cool compresses on his leg. You got the red card, by the way."
"After class, I'll take you to the hospital so a doctor can look at your foot," he said to Robert before he hobbled to the dressing room with Nathan's help.
"Hey, I'm really sorry," Nathan said, "but I didn't want to mess it up and I just couldn't stop."
"It's okay. Next time I'll give you a wide berth if you come with a ball."
"I hope it's nothing serious."
"It's no big deal, it'll be fine in a few days. It'll be a nice bump."
"Why bump?"
"Well, because I hit the ground pretty hard when I landed."
"Wait, I'll put a cold cloth on there too."
"Leave it. I'm not a washerwoman. It's okay. It's not that tragic. Hey, don't look so freaked out. People might think you killed someone."
Before they could continue talking, the crowd stormed out of the gym. Robert and Nathan also started changing, and a little later the professor arrived.
"Ready to leave, Robert?"
"Yes right away."
"Can I come along too? After all, I'm the one to blame for this whole mess."
"Well done."
Arriving at the hospital, they discovered that today had apparently been a popular day for accidents. Almost all the seats in the waiting room were taken, and the nurse at the reception desk said it would probably take a while.
After completing the formalities, the professor said to the two of them: "Unfortunately, I can't stay with you because I have a dentist appointment myself, but I hope I can rely on you not to do anything stupid."
"It's fine. I can't do any big jumps anyway."
After the professor left and some time had passed, Nathan said, "What do you think about me sitting down and you sitting on my lap? My feet are about to fall off."
"Are you crazy? I'm not gay!"
"What does that have to do with it?"
"Only girls do that!"
After an endless two hours, it was finally Robert's turn.
The doctor said that luckily it was only a minor bruise and the bone wasn't damaged. "No sports for the next few weeks and just rest completely. Also, rub in this ointment twice a day and bandage it with a bandage* during the day." (* Austrian: Fasche – German: elastic bandage)
Robert called his parents from the hospital and his father came to pick up the two boys.
"Your mother was very upset when she heard you were calling from the hospital. But I calmed her down right away and told her it wasn't that bad."
"Thanks, Dad."
“But next time, be more careful when you defend yourself,” said Mr. Falkner with a wink.
Nathan sat silently in the car the whole way and watched the streets go by.
"Are you asleep? We're here."
"Oh. I was just lost in thought. Thanks for bringing me home, Mr. Falkner. And sorry again about your bruised foot."
"It's not that bad. See you tomorrow."
"Okay. See you later. Bye."
That evening, too, Nathan lay awake for a long time, pondering. Why had everything become so complicated? He used to sit on Robert's lap and nobody cared. And now, all of a sudden, it was gay?
"Does sitting on a man's lap make you gay? What is gay, anyway? Isn't it weird when you kiss a man?" Finally, Nathan fell asleep, dreaming of fairies, elves, and better days.
The next morning, Nathan was in a hurry to get to school because he didn't want to miss the cinema.
*** Cinema isn't recommended until after the fourth hour, but that's just how young people are. Boisterous and enthusiastic. It's nice, isn't it? ***
The others in Nathan's class were similarly curious, and so this was one of the rare days when everyone was already at school well before the first lesson. And, of course, there was a lot of guessing and speculation about which film would be on the program. The wildest speculations suggested films, but the needle of probability burst many a bubble.
After an endless two and a half hours of school, Ms. Stangler finally came in to pick up the class. Mr. Kettenbauer, the class's math teacher, was even glad to be able to leave early, as attention had already plummeted to near zero.
Five minutes later, the entire class was standing in front of the school gate, ready to leave. "We're going to the movie theater now. The owner of the theater has agreed to hold an extra screening for us this morning. So let's go."
*** A little side note: The Filmpalast is a small cinema that, in addition to the usual Hollywood fare, also shows more upscale films and original versions. ***
Arriving at the cinema, Ms. Stangler paid for the class and agreed with the owner that she needed a few minutes with the class before the film started.
»Sit down and shut up please. Today we're going to see a film about two boys discovering their identity and feelings. The film will be in English, but there are German subtitles. I would ask you to try to follow the film without reading them. Homework until Saturday is to write down the plot of the film. Ok. Let's go now. Film ab bitte.«
After discovering the film's title was 'Beautiful Thing,' Nathan started thinking again—as much as he could think about it casually. Surely he'd heard the title somewhere before? Or was it just his imagination?
Jamie wants to rub Ste's back and lets him smell a bottle of peppermint foot balm.
Jamie: »Like it and I rub it into your back ... If you want.«
Jamie: »Cold, isn't it?«
Ste: »Yeah.«
Jamie gently rubs Ste's back, but is careful not to touch the bruises.
Nathan watched in disbelief, becoming increasingly confused. Why didn't he find it repulsive? What was this strange tingling sensation that was driving him crazy? And why did something start to stir in his pants when one boy rubbed another's back?
Jamie: »Have you ever kissed anyone and stuck your tongue in?«
Ste: »How can I do this?«
Jamie: »It ain't ugly.«
Ste: »With me it'd be ugly.«
Jamie: »I don't think you're ugly.«
Jamie: »Turn over, I do your front.«
Ste: »I can't ... I'm too sore.«
"Shh! Robert. Why doesn't he turn around?"
"I don't know. Maybe he's got a boner."
"How come?"
"I don't know. Don't ask such stupid questions."
Ste: »Turn the light off ... Please.«
Jamie: »I don't wanna.«
She quickly slips under the covers and the two lie head to toe.
Jamie: »Can I come up there?«
You: "Well."
Jamie: »Please.«
Ste: »Stay where you are!«
Ste watches Jamie anxiously, struggling with himself. Finally, he turns and lies face to face with Jamie.
Ste: »Satisfied?«
Jamie: »Mhm ... Night.«
Jamie kisses Ste on the lips. Fearful glances follow, turning into tender ones.
Ste: »Do you think I'm queer?«
Jamie: »Don't know what I think.«
Jamie turns off the light.
Jamie: »Can I touch you?«
Ste: »I'm a bit sore.«
Jamie: »Yeah.«
Jamie touches Ste tenderly...
1996 Channel Four Corporation)
Nathan barely registered the rest of the film; the emerging emotions consumed his entire attention. It became increasingly clear to him that he, Nathan Ziegler, was gay.
And he envied Ste and Jamie. He wanted to have a friend too, to be held, caressed, kissed.
*** Nathan is so preoccupied with himself that he doesn't even notice that Robert has been leaning his leg against his the whole time and even briefly touches Nathan's knee during a kissing scene. Was that a coincidence? We'll see. ***
When the film ended and the others had already stood up to gather in the anteroom, Nathan was still sitting in his chair, staring transfixed at the screen.
"Hey, wake up! We're leaving," said Robert. "What's wrong? Did you see a ghost or do you have a crush?"
After these words, Nathan jumped up and stormed out of the cinema past Mrs. Stangler and the others.
"Nathan! Stop! You can't just run away like that. You stay here."
But when Mrs. Stangler came out of the cinema and looked around, Nathan was already gone.
Part
2
–
Coming
Out
Nathan ran three blocks before he ran out of breath. Breathless, he leaned against a wall. A wave of problems loomed before his mind, ready to crash down on him at any moment.
"Gays kidnap children."
"Gays are obsessed with youth."
"Gays die alone."
"Gays have AIDS."
"Gays are perverts."
"Gays live against nature."
"Gays..."
The sentences raced through Nathan's head faster and faster, spinning in circles—faster! Faster! Faster!
Nathan didn't even notice his knees going weak and the ground beneath his feet giving way. A brief feeling of dizziness and blackness settled over his face like a blanket before he passed out.
*** It's truly irresponsible to inflict such stupid prejudices on young people (and everyone else, too). And when they're affected themselves, something like this happens, and everyone is surprised. Hopefully, this will turn out well for Nathan. ***
“Hey, man, wake up,” was the first thing Nathan heard again.
He slowly opened his eyes and tried to sit up, but was immediately gently held back by a hand. As the fog lifted, he looked into two bright blue eyes.
The owner of these two eyes might have been just 18 years old.
"What, what happened?" asked Nathan.
The boy replied, "I just came from the drugstore over there and saw you fall over here like a log. I couldn't just stand by and watch."
Only now did Nathan notice that the unknown helper was kneeling beside him without a jacket, and that the jacket was under his head. The pleasant scent filled his nostrils.
"What's your name, actually?"
"Nathan. And you?"
"Manuel. Come on, I'll help you up, otherwise you'll catch a cold here on the floor."
Before Nathan could protest, Manuel grabbed him under the shoulders as if he were carrying an unconscious man.
Was he imagining it or did Manuel hold him for a moment longer than necessary?
"You know what? Let's go to that café over there and have some hot tea to get your circulation going again."
Nathan wanted to reply, but Manuel's determination tolerated no contradiction.
Shortly afterwards they sat opposite each other with a cup of hot fruit tea.
“Has something like this happened to you before?” asked Manuel.
"Uh. How? What?" Nathan's thoughts were already elsewhere.
*** Well, not really anywhere else. On the one hand, he'd been lost in Manuel's eyes, and on the other, he was wondering if he was really gay. We'll see how this continues. It's really sizzling and exciting. ***
"I meant, have you ever fainted?"
"Actually not."
After a short pause, Nathan asked, "Are you still going to school?"
"Yes. But not here. I won't be going to the local high school until next semester. We just moved here recently, and I'm finishing the semester at my old school."
"Hey, then we'll probably see each other more often. I go to the gym here too. And what grade are you in?"
»7. And you?«
"I'm only in 6th grade. I would have thought you were older."
"That's probably because, at 189 cm, I'm not exactly average height for my age. Hmm. I have to go now, unfortunately, or my mother will worry. You know how it is. But if you want, you can come along. My parents certainly won't mind."
"Hmm. Yes, gladly."
After paying, they set off. Manuel's house was located in a residential area on the outskirts of town, so they took a few stops by bus. After walking a few more blocks, they found themselves in front of a charming single-family home.
"Here we are. Do you like it?"
"Yeah, nice. Let's go inside, it's starting to snow."
"Hello, who's home?"
"Hello Manuel, I'm here in the kitchen."
A pleasantly soft female voice came from the kitchen.
"I have a visitor," said Manuel and went into the kitchen with Nathan.
"This is Nathan. And this is my mother."
"Hello, Ms. Um..." Nathan felt himself blush.
"Wallner," added Manuel's mother, "But that's okay. Just make yourself at home here—as much as you can. We haven't finished unpacking everything yet. Manuel probably already told you that we just moved here."
"Yes, I did. We'll go over to my room then."
"Is good."
"Don't be alarmed when you go in, it still looks a bit old," said Manuel.
*** Always such understatements. The room contained only the furniture—a wide bed, by the way—and a ton of large and small moving boxes. There was also a lot of unpacked stuff in between, waiting to be put away. ***
"I can't disagree with you," Nathan said with a cheeky grin.
"Let's just sit on the bed, the chair is already full," Manuel suggested. "Well, this is my future kingdom."
"What is that?" asked Nathan, pointing to a colorful piece of fabric hanging from one of the boxes.
Manuel blushed a little and looked embarrassed: "Oh, it's just a flag, nothing more." He quickly tried to stuff the piece of fabric back into the box.
"Can I see it? What do you need it for?"
*** 100 points for you, sweetheart! Ever heard of sensitivity, tact, or tact? The guy turns red and tries to hide it quickly, and you dig in without hesitation or mercy... ***
Hesitantly, Manuel pulled a rainbow flag out of the box. The flag seemed somehow familiar to Nathan, but he couldn't figure out where. After Nathan examined the flag, Manuel carefully folded it back up and put it back in the box.
"Where did you get these?" asked Nathan.
"It was a gift from my mother."
Meanwhile, Manuel had sat back down on the bed next to Nathan, and they were now sitting only a leg's width apart. Manuel's proximity confused Nathan, as did the strange tingling sensation that had been running through him the whole time.
The conversation had reached a standstill anyway, and they were just gazing deep into each other's eyes. Nathan lost himself in those radiant eyes, immersed himself in them, and took off. He wanted to touch Manuel, hold him, simply feel his warmth.
But at that moment, Manuel jumped up and looked at Nathan with fear-filled eyes. "Do you hate me now? I think it's better if you leave now."
Nathan didn't know what was going on and didn't respond to Manuel's request.
"Please go. Go!"
"What's wrong, why should I hate you?"
"Well, because of the matter."
"What kind of thing?"
*** Honey, you're really more naive than the police allow. The guy picks you up off the street, takes you for tea, takes you home, has a rainbow flag, looks deep into your eyes, and sits within touching distance. What else do you need to figure out what's going on? A billboard on the main road? Radio announcements? Oh well. Then back to the action. ***
During the conversation, they moved toward Manuel's bedroom door. "That I'm gay. I like guys."
*** It's a shame you can't see Nathan's expression. I've rarely seen a dumberer one. ***
Nathan's confusion escalated beyond measure. Was this something bad? With moist eyes, Manuel walked him to the door and briefly raised his hand in farewell before closing the door behind Nathan.
Now Nathan stood amidst dancing snowflakes, not knowing what was happening to him. He felt like crying. He slowly made his way toward the city.
But at the very first intersection, he changed his plan and walked aimlessly through the settlement. The longer he walked, the clearer his thoughts became, the more he made up his mind. He had to go back to Manuel and tell him that he didn't hate him, that he felt the same way.
After two laps around the block, he finally plucked up the courage to ring the bell. Mrs. Wallner opened the door. For a moment, her face seemed to express something like relief, or was he just imagining it?
"Sorry to bother you again, but I think I left my fountain pen at Manuel's."
*** Boy, boy, I've heard a lot of bad excuses, but this one beats them all. ***
"Just go back, he's in his room."
Nathan wondered if Mrs. Wallner really hadn't noticed the argument, or if she was just a good actress.
He timidly knocked on the door to Manuel's room. A tentative "Come in" followed, and Nathan went in. Manuel was obviously surprised that it was Nathan and tried to look friendly, but Nathan noticed that he had apparently been crying a moment before.
He quickly closed the door.
"I've been thinking again about what you said before."
“And?” Manuel replied anxiously.
"I've realized a few things," Nathan said, taking a step closer to Manuel. When Nathan was now standing directly in front of him, Manuel lowered his head. Nathan gently lifted his chin, looked briefly into his blue eyes, which were looking at him anxiously and questioningly, and gave him a gentle kiss on the mouth.
"You too?" Manuel stammered, but Nathan just quietly gestured to him not to ruin the moment with words and hugged him. It seemed like an eternity in seventh heaven, as they stood there, embracing each other. He felt Manuel's hand resting in his hair, he felt his closeness, his warmth, the wonderful scent.
After a seemingly endless embrace, they separated.
"Since when did you know?" Nathan asked.
"Good question. I've only been aware of it since I was 16, actually. I've had crushes on boys before, but I just couldn't figure it out. And you?"
"Since this morning. We were watching 'Beautiful Thing' in the cinema and that's when it suddenly became clear to me."
"And it all became a bit much for you."
"Exactly. Does anyone actually know about you?"
"So my best friends know, and my parents, and of course the guys in the group."
"What kind of group?"
"I meet up twice a month with other gay guys around our age. It's a bit of a drive, but it's worth it. Want to come next time?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Don't panic, no one will bite. They've all been through the same thing as you."
"I'll think about it. I think I have to go now, otherwise my mother will file a missing person report. You know how mothers are."
"See you tomorrow?"
"Let's see if the teachers are merciful tomorrow."
"I'll definitely write down my phone number for you. Will you give me yours too?"
"Yeah, sure." After successfully exchanging numbers, Manuel accompanied Nathan to the front door and hugged him goodbye.
"Well then, take care and see you soon."
“Yes, you too,” Nathan said goodbye.
*** Well, just kiss him! Everyone in the house already knows that you're head over heels in love, and no one's watching anyway. ***
Despite saying goodbye, they still stood in front of the locked front door, holding hands. Manuel gazed deeply into Nathan's eyes, and Nathan, too, was lost in them. Manuel gently pulled him closer and whispered a questioning "May I?"
»Was?«
*** Boy, boy. What do you think? Crochet yourself a potholder? ***
"Kiss you."
Instead of answering, Nathan pulled Manuel even closer to him and shortly afterwards their tongues were already dancing the lovers' dance.
Full of pleasure and affection, they explored each other, Nathan's hand slipping under Manuel's shirt, and Manuel, too, embarked on an exploration. A little later, when Nathan's jacket was already on the floor, the two were interrupted by a clearing of the throat.
"I don't want to disturb you both, but wouldn't you like to continue in your room?" said Mrs. Wallner.
Nathan immediately blushed. "We, I mean I, I mean we..."
"It's okay. I know about it and I don't have a problem with it. To be honest, I was even hoping you'd come back. But don't let it bother you any longer."
"I really have to go now. See you tomorrow. I promise."
"Okay, see you later." One last kiss was exchanged and then we really went out into the cold reality.
*** Well, he can really count himself lucky with this mother-in-law. Another woman might have chased him out of the house as soon as she woke up from her faint. ***
Part
3
–
Almost
Unreal
Outside in the clear winter air, it became increasingly clear to Nathan that he was head over heels in love with this boy he had just kissed so passionately. And what had seemed like the end of the world just a few hours ago took on a completely different tone. Nathan set off for home in high spirits.
At home he was immediately welcomed by his mother.
"Tell me, do you actually know what time it is? You could have at least called."
Only now did Nathan realize that he should have been home a few hours ago.
"I'm sorry, I totally lost track of time."
And before his mother could ask any further questions, Nathan disappeared into his room.
The next morning, Nathan was immediately greeted by Robert at school.
"Tell me, what was going on yesterday? You were running like who knows what was after you."
Nathan felt himself blush. What should he do? He didn't want to lie to his best friend, but he couldn't tell him the truth.
He wasn't even sure if he had dreamed it all. But Manuel's kisses had tasted too real for that.
"I guess I can't get anything out of you," said Robert. "Then let's go downstairs. We have gymnastics again today."
"Do you think Mrs. Stangler will say something to my parents?"
"I don't know. She definitely said you should contact her today."
On the way to the gym, Nathan wondered what Mrs. Stangler wanted from him. Did she already know everything and just want him as a messenger for his death sentence? Did she want to know what was going on?
As they entered the locker room, he immediately found a distraction from his thoughts. Something was different today. He hurried to put on his gym clothes and tried not to look at anyone.
But what was different?
Hadn't he always been gay?
Was he afraid of getting an erection in front of everyone?
*** Oh, he's really not making it easy for himself. Nothing happened the many times before, either. ***
After an interminable three hours, Nathan went to the conference room during the break to report to Ms. Stangler. After she arrived, she told Nathan they had something to discuss. They went into a small meeting room, and Ms. Stangler gestured for Nathan to sit down.
"I assume you had a good reason to run away yesterday," she said calmly.
Nathan felt himself turning bright red again.
"I, um, I, well..."
"I haven't told anyone about this yet because I think we can sort it out. But you have to realize that you could have gotten me into a lot of trouble. If anything had happened to you, I would have been fully responsible."
"I'm sorry."
"Then we'll consider this a done deal. Right, I still have to get my things for my next class. Stay here a moment and think everything through again."
As she picked up her bag, a small booklet fell out.
"You've lost something there."
"Oh, look, it can stay there. I don't need it anymore. Anyway, I really have to go now."
In the doorway she turned around again: "Oh yes."
Nathan looked up questioningly.
"Go your way and be happy."
With these words, she closed the door behind her. Nathan stood up and went to the magazine lying on the floor next to the sofa where Ms. Stangler had just been sitting. It was the magazine of a gay group. Somehow, it dawned on him that Ms. Stangler knew more than he had thought.
*** But surely, darling, that woman didn't become a teacher for nothing. She can empathize with her students. And when someone sits there on 'Beautiful Thing' as if they've been struck by lightning and then runs away, that's almost like a coming out. ***