07-11-2025, 09:23 PM
The day at the quarry lake was supposed to herald a change in Julian's life. But the 14-year-old eighth-grader had no idea what was happening as he enjoyed the tropical temperatures with his friends at the quarry lake.
In the late afternoon, most of the boys returned home. Only Julian remained lying in the shade of a bush, enjoying the peace and quiet.
Suddenly, he jumped when he felt a hand tentatively touch his bare shoulder. Through his narrowed eyes, he recognized the black-haired 9th-grade girl.
"Hannah, you scared me. What are you doing here?"
"Oh... nothing, just a coincidence. Would you like to go get ice cream with me?"
Julian didn't believe Hannah's supposed coincidence, but he said anyway, "Yeah, okay, we can do that." He put on his jeans, T-shirt, and K-Swiss. Hannah watched him closely. Julian noticed and felt uncomfortable, but said nothing. This uneasy feeling didn't get any better in the ice cream parlor. He clearly sensed that Hannah wasn't just interested in eating ice cream. But that seemed so strange and unreal to him. As they said goodbye, he walked home, lost in thought. Thousands of thoughts swirled through his head. There was a girl who wanted to be close to him. Not some little brat who adored him, no, a self-confident girl more than a year older than him. And there was no doubt that this was a hardcore come-on.
He should be happy, proud of himself. Instead, he detested the situation. The longer he thought about it, the more confused he became. Why didn't he go for Hannah? He knew full well that some of the boys at school were after Hannah and had been rejected by her. And him? He could land her, just like that, without much effort. Because she wanted him. So what was he afraid of? .....Afraid? After half a sleepless, brooding night, he was certain: no, it wasn't fear, but something else was keeping him from approaching Hannah. Was it because of Hannah? No, he had to admit to himself that he didn't find any girl attractive or appealing at all. There were a few he liked. Yes, he did, like many other people. Except for... wait a minute.... He found some boys attractive, very attractive. My God, was he..... no, of course not, that would be ridiculous. Surely it was just some weird phase of puberty. He was sensible enough to realize that puberty had its "side effects," which he had already enjoyed, but certainly didn't have to take so seriously... Or didn't want to take them seriously?
He avoided Hannah as much as possible.
The months passed. A new girl came into his class: Sophie. She was so different from the other girls. She had such an open, friendly personality.
They sat next to each other at school and quickly became friends. He often forgot that Sophie was a girl; it simply didn't matter. He enjoyed the physical contact, the hugs, the ease he felt in her presence. They had long since done a lot of things together.
One day, Sophie asked if she could bring her twin brother to the movies. Julian had never met a pair of twins before and was really excited to see what it would be like. It was bound to be fun. Julian deliberately left a little early to pick them up.
Sophie opened the door and let Julian in. "Go on in, I'll be ready in a minute," she said. A handsome blond boy with deep blue eyes sat on the couch in the living room. He shook Julian's hand. "Hello, I'm Philipp."
Julian returned the handshake. "Hey, I'm Julian."
"Yes, I know, my sister's boyfriend," he grinned at Julian.
"Um...yeah, something like that," was all Julian could say.
Over the next few weeks, the three of them spent a lot of time together. Philipp and Julian became good friends. Julian, however, quickly began to feel an attraction for Philipp that grew stronger and stronger. This frightened him, very frightened, because he remembered what happened with Hannah. The confusion of feelings that he had repressed for so long. What was wrong with him? He was 16 now. This damn puberty should have been under control by now. Was he really gay, something that had often crossed his mind? No, that couldn't be, never! He had repressed this thought again and again.
Julian brooded over his problem for days and nights. Until Sophie approached him
"Hey Juli, what's wrong with you?"
"And nothing."
"Don't lie to me, I can see you're not feeling well. What's wrong?"
Julian would have loved to cry to Sophie, but he indulged in excuses. A full two weeks passed before he finally pulled himself together. He told Sophie everything he felt, describing his confusion. The only thing he didn't mention was his feelings for Philipp.
When he finished, Sophie took a deep breath.
"Juli, you know, I've noticed for a long time that you're somehow different. I've even thought that you might be gay."
"What, how did you notice that? I'm not a faggot or anything."
"No, of course not. But your behavior toward girls is certainly revealing."
“Man, I tried not to make it so obvious.”
“Sure, only someone who knows you as well as I do will notice.”
“Shit, I don’t want that at all…”
"July, accept it, otherwise you'll just drive yourself crazy. What's wrong with being gay? You're my best friend and you'll always be."
"You, yes, but what about the others? They'll chase me to hell."
"No one will chase you to hell, but you have to have the courage to admit it to yourself. That's the most important thing right now."
Sophie grabbed Julian by the shoulders and shook him gently.
"Hey, believe in yourself! I do too." She kissed Julian on the cheek. He looked at her with moist eyes and said quietly, "Yes, thank you, I will."
Julian spent the next few days organizing his thoughts. He slowly came to the realization that there was no point in lying to himself. He decided to involve someone else he could trust blindly: his brother. Kevin was seven years older and the best brother in the world.
He waited until dinner.
"Hey Kev, I have some new CDs."
"Yeah cool, let's hear it right away."
After dinner in Julian’s room:
"Come on, show me the CDs."
"Um... well... I don't have any new CDs, but I need to talk to you."
"Man, if you look like that, you've done something wrong. So what's going on? Did you forget the condom while you were fucking and now the old woman is pregnant, or what?"
"No, uh, well, it's heading in that direction."
Kevin put his arm around Julian's shoulders.
"Okay, so it's about a girl, so go ahead and shoot."
Julian hesitated.
"No, it's not about a girl, rather the opposite. I... um, I think, well, I'm pretty sure... I'm... gay."
Julian avoided eye contact. Kevin looked at his brother for a long time before answering.
“Oh, brother, are you really sure?”
“Yes, I think so.”
"Okay, if that's the case. How much do you think I care? You're my brother and I'm always here for you. Tell me, are you scared?"
"Yes"
"Look, I can't take away your fear. You have to do that yourself. Own it. Be honest with yourself, otherwise you'll just ruin your life. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Yes, but that's so simple."
"I know that, little one. I'll help you whenever I can. If you want to talk, I'm always here for you, I hope you know that. But you have to take the first step yourself. Do you understand?"
“Hmm, yes, you’re right.”
Julian lowered his gaze. Kevin ruffled Julian's long hair.
"But tell me, is there anyone there yet?"
Kevin grinned at Julian with his winning smile.
"Yes, Philipp, Sophie's brother."
"Great, go for it then."
"Man, that's so easy to say. What if he doesn't want to and then starts blabbing that I made a move on him? Man, if the others find out, I'll hang myself."
"Kid, you have no choice. You have to take this risk, otherwise you'll be alone for the rest of your life. But people are tolerant enough these days, and your friends aren't freaks. It'll work out."
Kevin gave his brother a friendly pat and grinned. Julian looked at Kevin. "Thanks, dude, I'll manage... somehow."
He lay awake half the night thinking about Kevin's words and how he could make Philipp understand how he felt about him.
However, he did not come to a conclusion.
Over the next few days, he stayed away from Sophie and Philipp to gain some distance and time to think.
The whole week passed uneventfully.
Until early Friday evening, the cell phone rang. It was Sophie.
"Hey Juli, what's wrong with you, are you sick or something?"
"Hi, Sophie, no, not sick, just a little depressed."
"Okay, I know what I'm talking about. Phil and I are going to the movies. Are you coming with us?"
"Hmm, well..."
"Come on, stop beating around the bush and come here."
The thought of seeing Philipp again inspired him; he was looking forward to seeing him.
"Okay, I'll be right there."
He quickly said goodbye to his mother and ran off. Sophie and Philipp were already waiting for him, and they set off.
After the film, the three of them stood in front of the cinema, somewhat undecided. While they were still considering what to do next, a group of girls came straight up to them.
"Huh, Söphchen!"
"Hi, what are you doing here? I haven't seen you in ages."
And a funny chatter began. Julian grinned at Philipp and whispered, "...women..." Philipp grinned back.
"Come on, let's get out of here"
"Hey sis, let's go. Bye."
"Okay, I'm going to walk around the community with the girls for a bit. Bye."
Philipp turned to Julian:
"Let's go to my place, my Ellis are gone, we can have a beer there." "Drunk, but okay, if you say so."
Julian's heart began to beat faster. He was alone with Philipp, hoping he would keep his cool.
A short time later they were sitting together in Philipp’s room.
"Would you like a beer?"
"Well, maybe later, first a water or something."
Philipp got water and chips and turned on the TV and DVD player.
"Hey, Juli, I have "Transformers 2" here. Should we watch it?"
"Yeah, okay, go ahead. I haven't seen it yet."
They sat next to each other on the sofa, watching the film and munching on chips. Julian couldn't really concentrate on the film. He kept wondering whether he should make a move. What would happen if Philipp ended their friendship? He thought about his brother's words.
"You have to risk this, otherwise you'll be alone for the rest of your life," Kevin had said. Julian became uneasy, maybe, maybe he should... He felt torn. Finally, he put everything on the line. He stretched himself out on the sofa, slowly, tentatively put his arm around Philipp's shoulders, and expected Philipp to jump up and yell at him. But nothing happened. Philipp didn't react. At least, that's how it seemed. Julian plucked up the courage, moved closer to Philipp, and increased the pressure of his arm. Then, finally, Philipp turned his head and looked at him.
"July, what... are you doing?" he asked.
"I... um... don't you like that?"
"But but..."
Julian now knew what he had to do.
"Hey, Philipp, I have to tell you something. So... I... I'm gay and... I... I've fallen in love with you. Please don't be mad at me."
Philipp looked at Julian. It seemed as if hours passed before Philipp finally answered.
"No, I'm not mad at you, but I didn't expect this. I never noticed anything about you."
"Maaaan, I didn't want anyone to notice. Besides, I was afraid you might end our friendship."
"No, man, I'm glad to have you as a friend, but... but this is completely new to me, you understand?"
"Yeah, sure, you've probably never been with a guy and only made out with girls."
Philipp smiled shyly at Julian. "Girls? Nope, not that either."
The two looked at each other for a long moment. Julian bent his head closer to Philipp. After a brief hesitation, he moved toward him. Their lips touched tentatively at first, then formed into a long, passionate kiss.
It was already deep into the night. The two were lying tightly embraced in Philipp's bed when they were awakened by a noise. Sophie had come home. They heard her walking into her room.
Julian whispered
"Shit, we fell asleep. I'm leaving, Sophie can't notice anything."
"Okay, but quietly."
Julian hurriedly got dressed. Philipp put on his boxers and T-shirt, checked the coast was clear, and let Julian out.
The next day, Julian's cell phone rang. A text from Philipp: "Come to the playground at 4. Urgent. Phil." The message worried Julian greatly. With his heart pounding, he went to the agreed-upon meeting place.
Philipp was already there.
"Hey, what's up?"
"July, I really need to talk to you."
"Okay, shoot."
Philipp stammered, finding it difficult to speak. "You know, what happened tonight was beautiful. But... that must never happen again."
Julian looked at Philipp in horror.
"But why not? You said it was beautiful."
"Yeah, but somehow it wasn't me. I feel like I was someone else last night. Juli, I'm not gay, I don't want anything from men, you understand?"
"Hmm, yeah, but... we'll stay friends, okay?"
He looked at Philipp in fear.
"Yeah, sure. But no one can find out about last night, okay?"
"Sure, no one will find out."
They both returned home. Julian felt exhausted. A dream could end so quickly. He spent the rest of the day doing useless activities. Sunday dragged on dully as well.
Until his cell phone rang. It was Philipp.
"Hey Juli, are you free tonight?"
"Yeah, sure. Why, what's going on?"
"Oh, nothing special, I'm just bored."
"Okay, see you later."
Julian was overcome by ambivalent feelings. On the one hand, he was pleased that Philipp had invited him, as he longed for his closeness. On the other hand, he knew that there would never be any more affection between him and Philipp. He resolved to make the best of it and set off.
When they arrived at Philipp's house, everything happened very quickly. Philipp slammed the front door, threw his arms around Julian's neck, and gave him a long, deep kiss. Julian was initially completely surprised, but quickly recovered and returned the kiss. Without letting go of each other, they went into Philipp's room.
A few minutes later:
"Oh, Phil, what..." Philipp covered Julian's mouth. "Please don't say anything, let me explain." Julian looked at him and nodded silently.
"I know what I said the day before yesterday, that something like that should never happen again. But I was completely confused, you know, it was my first time. I was just panicking that I'd done something wrong. Now I know that something as beautiful as what happened with you can't be wrong."
Philipp gave Julian a kiss on the cheek.
"I'd like to have sex with you again, too, but..." His expression became serious and he looked at Julian with pursed lips, "...but I can't imagine a real relationship with a guy. Sorry, but it's like this... Can you accept that?"
Julian felt like he had a lump in his throat. He didn't know what to feel. Sex with Philipp without the feeling of the relationship he so desired? Would something like that even be sustainable in the long run? Or was a bird in the hand worth two in the bush? And he should make a decision right now, this second, and give Philipp an answer? He needed time to think.
But Philipp looked at him expectantly. So, let's not make a mistake now. "Yes, of course, I can," said Julian. He tried to grin as naturally as possible, stroked Philipp's hair, and kissed him. He didn't feel comfortable doing it, because he knew full well that he was only playing for time and taking a big risk if Philipp realized he'd just lied.
Julian pulled himself together and so it turned into a passionate evening.
The following week was hectic. Julian had a lot to do for school. Table tennis practice was also demanding. This left him only time for a few phone calls and chats with Philipp. Julian strictly avoided the topic of sex. He still didn't know how to behave towards Philipp. He also didn't have the energy to find a solution.
And again it was Philipp who took the initiative when he called Julian on Friday afternoon.
"Hey Juli, do you have time tonight? I got a cool movie."
"Of course I have time, what movie do you have?"
"I won't tell you, let yourself be surprised."
"No, tell me."
Philipp laughed. "Nooo, I'll let you squirm for a while."
"Menno... okay, you sadist. See you later."
When Julian arrived at Philipp's, he had already prepared everything for a DVD evening.
Chips and drinks were available.
"There, lie down. It's about to start."
"I'm curious to see what you're making such a fuss about."
Philipp grinned like a Cheshire cat.
"You'll see."
Philipp turned on the DVD player. The movie started. An Indian woman was yelling at some boys playing soccer who were making fun of one of them. Philipp looked at Julian expectantly. "Do you know him?"
"Well."
"Okay, then let yourself be surprised."
Philipp had to grin broadly again. The film was set in an ugly English suburb and was called "Beautiful Thing." It was about two boys falling in love. Julian and Philipp watched the film in silence until almost the end. When the two boys in the film began to dance, tightly embraced, Philipp stood up and held out his hand to Julian. Julian looked questioningly at Philipp. He whispered, "Hey, come on."
Julian stood up. The two embraced each other and danced in a gentle rocking step, just like the two boys in the movie.
Several minutes later: The film had long since ended when they were still dancing and Philipp whispered softly in Julian's ear: "Juli... I was such an idiot, but I was completely overwhelmed, you understand?"
He stopped, broke away from the hug, and looked at Julian with a firm expression. "Please forgive me if I hurt you in any way, but I didn't know how to handle the situation. But Sophie made some things clear to me. I finally know who and what I am and what I want. Juli... I love you and I want to be with you."
Julian felt his eyes fill with tears, but he wasn't ashamed and let them flow. In a shaky voice, he said, "My God, Phil, you have no idea how much I love you, but I'm the one who should apologize. I've realized I've been pushing you too hard, and I want to be with you so badly."
They hugged each other, sank back onto the sofa, tightly embraced, and kissed long and tenderly.
It was as if a red cloud of emotions surrounded her.
In the late afternoon, most of the boys returned home. Only Julian remained lying in the shade of a bush, enjoying the peace and quiet.
Suddenly, he jumped when he felt a hand tentatively touch his bare shoulder. Through his narrowed eyes, he recognized the black-haired 9th-grade girl.
"Hannah, you scared me. What are you doing here?"
"Oh... nothing, just a coincidence. Would you like to go get ice cream with me?"
Julian didn't believe Hannah's supposed coincidence, but he said anyway, "Yeah, okay, we can do that." He put on his jeans, T-shirt, and K-Swiss. Hannah watched him closely. Julian noticed and felt uncomfortable, but said nothing. This uneasy feeling didn't get any better in the ice cream parlor. He clearly sensed that Hannah wasn't just interested in eating ice cream. But that seemed so strange and unreal to him. As they said goodbye, he walked home, lost in thought. Thousands of thoughts swirled through his head. There was a girl who wanted to be close to him. Not some little brat who adored him, no, a self-confident girl more than a year older than him. And there was no doubt that this was a hardcore come-on.
He should be happy, proud of himself. Instead, he detested the situation. The longer he thought about it, the more confused he became. Why didn't he go for Hannah? He knew full well that some of the boys at school were after Hannah and had been rejected by her. And him? He could land her, just like that, without much effort. Because she wanted him. So what was he afraid of? .....Afraid? After half a sleepless, brooding night, he was certain: no, it wasn't fear, but something else was keeping him from approaching Hannah. Was it because of Hannah? No, he had to admit to himself that he didn't find any girl attractive or appealing at all. There were a few he liked. Yes, he did, like many other people. Except for... wait a minute.... He found some boys attractive, very attractive. My God, was he..... no, of course not, that would be ridiculous. Surely it was just some weird phase of puberty. He was sensible enough to realize that puberty had its "side effects," which he had already enjoyed, but certainly didn't have to take so seriously... Or didn't want to take them seriously?
He avoided Hannah as much as possible.
The months passed. A new girl came into his class: Sophie. She was so different from the other girls. She had such an open, friendly personality.
They sat next to each other at school and quickly became friends. He often forgot that Sophie was a girl; it simply didn't matter. He enjoyed the physical contact, the hugs, the ease he felt in her presence. They had long since done a lot of things together.
One day, Sophie asked if she could bring her twin brother to the movies. Julian had never met a pair of twins before and was really excited to see what it would be like. It was bound to be fun. Julian deliberately left a little early to pick them up.
Sophie opened the door and let Julian in. "Go on in, I'll be ready in a minute," she said. A handsome blond boy with deep blue eyes sat on the couch in the living room. He shook Julian's hand. "Hello, I'm Philipp."
Julian returned the handshake. "Hey, I'm Julian."
"Yes, I know, my sister's boyfriend," he grinned at Julian.
"Um...yeah, something like that," was all Julian could say.
Over the next few weeks, the three of them spent a lot of time together. Philipp and Julian became good friends. Julian, however, quickly began to feel an attraction for Philipp that grew stronger and stronger. This frightened him, very frightened, because he remembered what happened with Hannah. The confusion of feelings that he had repressed for so long. What was wrong with him? He was 16 now. This damn puberty should have been under control by now. Was he really gay, something that had often crossed his mind? No, that couldn't be, never! He had repressed this thought again and again.
Julian brooded over his problem for days and nights. Until Sophie approached him
"Hey Juli, what's wrong with you?"
"And nothing."
"Don't lie to me, I can see you're not feeling well. What's wrong?"
Julian would have loved to cry to Sophie, but he indulged in excuses. A full two weeks passed before he finally pulled himself together. He told Sophie everything he felt, describing his confusion. The only thing he didn't mention was his feelings for Philipp.
When he finished, Sophie took a deep breath.
"Juli, you know, I've noticed for a long time that you're somehow different. I've even thought that you might be gay."
"What, how did you notice that? I'm not a faggot or anything."
"No, of course not. But your behavior toward girls is certainly revealing."
“Man, I tried not to make it so obvious.”
“Sure, only someone who knows you as well as I do will notice.”
“Shit, I don’t want that at all…”
"July, accept it, otherwise you'll just drive yourself crazy. What's wrong with being gay? You're my best friend and you'll always be."
"You, yes, but what about the others? They'll chase me to hell."
"No one will chase you to hell, but you have to have the courage to admit it to yourself. That's the most important thing right now."
Sophie grabbed Julian by the shoulders and shook him gently.
"Hey, believe in yourself! I do too." She kissed Julian on the cheek. He looked at her with moist eyes and said quietly, "Yes, thank you, I will."
Julian spent the next few days organizing his thoughts. He slowly came to the realization that there was no point in lying to himself. He decided to involve someone else he could trust blindly: his brother. Kevin was seven years older and the best brother in the world.
He waited until dinner.
"Hey Kev, I have some new CDs."
"Yeah cool, let's hear it right away."
After dinner in Julian’s room:
"Come on, show me the CDs."
"Um... well... I don't have any new CDs, but I need to talk to you."
"Man, if you look like that, you've done something wrong. So what's going on? Did you forget the condom while you were fucking and now the old woman is pregnant, or what?"
"No, uh, well, it's heading in that direction."
Kevin put his arm around Julian's shoulders.
"Okay, so it's about a girl, so go ahead and shoot."
Julian hesitated.
"No, it's not about a girl, rather the opposite. I... um, I think, well, I'm pretty sure... I'm... gay."
Julian avoided eye contact. Kevin looked at his brother for a long time before answering.
“Oh, brother, are you really sure?”
“Yes, I think so.”
"Okay, if that's the case. How much do you think I care? You're my brother and I'm always here for you. Tell me, are you scared?"
"Yes"
"Look, I can't take away your fear. You have to do that yourself. Own it. Be honest with yourself, otherwise you'll just ruin your life. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
"Yes, but that's so simple."
"I know that, little one. I'll help you whenever I can. If you want to talk, I'm always here for you, I hope you know that. But you have to take the first step yourself. Do you understand?"
“Hmm, yes, you’re right.”
Julian lowered his gaze. Kevin ruffled Julian's long hair.
"But tell me, is there anyone there yet?"
Kevin grinned at Julian with his winning smile.
"Yes, Philipp, Sophie's brother."
"Great, go for it then."
"Man, that's so easy to say. What if he doesn't want to and then starts blabbing that I made a move on him? Man, if the others find out, I'll hang myself."
"Kid, you have no choice. You have to take this risk, otherwise you'll be alone for the rest of your life. But people are tolerant enough these days, and your friends aren't freaks. It'll work out."
Kevin gave his brother a friendly pat and grinned. Julian looked at Kevin. "Thanks, dude, I'll manage... somehow."
He lay awake half the night thinking about Kevin's words and how he could make Philipp understand how he felt about him.
However, he did not come to a conclusion.
Over the next few days, he stayed away from Sophie and Philipp to gain some distance and time to think.
The whole week passed uneventfully.
Until early Friday evening, the cell phone rang. It was Sophie.
"Hey Juli, what's wrong with you, are you sick or something?"
"Hi, Sophie, no, not sick, just a little depressed."
"Okay, I know what I'm talking about. Phil and I are going to the movies. Are you coming with us?"
"Hmm, well..."
"Come on, stop beating around the bush and come here."
The thought of seeing Philipp again inspired him; he was looking forward to seeing him.
"Okay, I'll be right there."
He quickly said goodbye to his mother and ran off. Sophie and Philipp were already waiting for him, and they set off.
After the film, the three of them stood in front of the cinema, somewhat undecided. While they were still considering what to do next, a group of girls came straight up to them.
"Huh, Söphchen!"
"Hi, what are you doing here? I haven't seen you in ages."
And a funny chatter began. Julian grinned at Philipp and whispered, "...women..." Philipp grinned back.
"Come on, let's get out of here"
"Hey sis, let's go. Bye."
"Okay, I'm going to walk around the community with the girls for a bit. Bye."
Philipp turned to Julian:
"Let's go to my place, my Ellis are gone, we can have a beer there." "Drunk, but okay, if you say so."
Julian's heart began to beat faster. He was alone with Philipp, hoping he would keep his cool.
A short time later they were sitting together in Philipp’s room.
"Would you like a beer?"
"Well, maybe later, first a water or something."
Philipp got water and chips and turned on the TV and DVD player.
"Hey, Juli, I have "Transformers 2" here. Should we watch it?"
"Yeah, okay, go ahead. I haven't seen it yet."
They sat next to each other on the sofa, watching the film and munching on chips. Julian couldn't really concentrate on the film. He kept wondering whether he should make a move. What would happen if Philipp ended their friendship? He thought about his brother's words.
"You have to risk this, otherwise you'll be alone for the rest of your life," Kevin had said. Julian became uneasy, maybe, maybe he should... He felt torn. Finally, he put everything on the line. He stretched himself out on the sofa, slowly, tentatively put his arm around Philipp's shoulders, and expected Philipp to jump up and yell at him. But nothing happened. Philipp didn't react. At least, that's how it seemed. Julian plucked up the courage, moved closer to Philipp, and increased the pressure of his arm. Then, finally, Philipp turned his head and looked at him.
"July, what... are you doing?" he asked.
"I... um... don't you like that?"
"But but..."
Julian now knew what he had to do.
"Hey, Philipp, I have to tell you something. So... I... I'm gay and... I... I've fallen in love with you. Please don't be mad at me."
Philipp looked at Julian. It seemed as if hours passed before Philipp finally answered.
"No, I'm not mad at you, but I didn't expect this. I never noticed anything about you."
"Maaaan, I didn't want anyone to notice. Besides, I was afraid you might end our friendship."
"No, man, I'm glad to have you as a friend, but... but this is completely new to me, you understand?"
"Yeah, sure, you've probably never been with a guy and only made out with girls."
Philipp smiled shyly at Julian. "Girls? Nope, not that either."
The two looked at each other for a long moment. Julian bent his head closer to Philipp. After a brief hesitation, he moved toward him. Their lips touched tentatively at first, then formed into a long, passionate kiss.
It was already deep into the night. The two were lying tightly embraced in Philipp's bed when they were awakened by a noise. Sophie had come home. They heard her walking into her room.
Julian whispered
"Shit, we fell asleep. I'm leaving, Sophie can't notice anything."
"Okay, but quietly."
Julian hurriedly got dressed. Philipp put on his boxers and T-shirt, checked the coast was clear, and let Julian out.
The next day, Julian's cell phone rang. A text from Philipp: "Come to the playground at 4. Urgent. Phil." The message worried Julian greatly. With his heart pounding, he went to the agreed-upon meeting place.
Philipp was already there.
"Hey, what's up?"
"July, I really need to talk to you."
"Okay, shoot."
Philipp stammered, finding it difficult to speak. "You know, what happened tonight was beautiful. But... that must never happen again."
Julian looked at Philipp in horror.
"But why not? You said it was beautiful."
"Yeah, but somehow it wasn't me. I feel like I was someone else last night. Juli, I'm not gay, I don't want anything from men, you understand?"
"Hmm, yeah, but... we'll stay friends, okay?"
He looked at Philipp in fear.
"Yeah, sure. But no one can find out about last night, okay?"
"Sure, no one will find out."
They both returned home. Julian felt exhausted. A dream could end so quickly. He spent the rest of the day doing useless activities. Sunday dragged on dully as well.
Until his cell phone rang. It was Philipp.
"Hey Juli, are you free tonight?"
"Yeah, sure. Why, what's going on?"
"Oh, nothing special, I'm just bored."
"Okay, see you later."
Julian was overcome by ambivalent feelings. On the one hand, he was pleased that Philipp had invited him, as he longed for his closeness. On the other hand, he knew that there would never be any more affection between him and Philipp. He resolved to make the best of it and set off.
When they arrived at Philipp's house, everything happened very quickly. Philipp slammed the front door, threw his arms around Julian's neck, and gave him a long, deep kiss. Julian was initially completely surprised, but quickly recovered and returned the kiss. Without letting go of each other, they went into Philipp's room.
A few minutes later:
"Oh, Phil, what..." Philipp covered Julian's mouth. "Please don't say anything, let me explain." Julian looked at him and nodded silently.
"I know what I said the day before yesterday, that something like that should never happen again. But I was completely confused, you know, it was my first time. I was just panicking that I'd done something wrong. Now I know that something as beautiful as what happened with you can't be wrong."
Philipp gave Julian a kiss on the cheek.
"I'd like to have sex with you again, too, but..." His expression became serious and he looked at Julian with pursed lips, "...but I can't imagine a real relationship with a guy. Sorry, but it's like this... Can you accept that?"
Julian felt like he had a lump in his throat. He didn't know what to feel. Sex with Philipp without the feeling of the relationship he so desired? Would something like that even be sustainable in the long run? Or was a bird in the hand worth two in the bush? And he should make a decision right now, this second, and give Philipp an answer? He needed time to think.
But Philipp looked at him expectantly. So, let's not make a mistake now. "Yes, of course, I can," said Julian. He tried to grin as naturally as possible, stroked Philipp's hair, and kissed him. He didn't feel comfortable doing it, because he knew full well that he was only playing for time and taking a big risk if Philipp realized he'd just lied.
Julian pulled himself together and so it turned into a passionate evening.
The following week was hectic. Julian had a lot to do for school. Table tennis practice was also demanding. This left him only time for a few phone calls and chats with Philipp. Julian strictly avoided the topic of sex. He still didn't know how to behave towards Philipp. He also didn't have the energy to find a solution.
And again it was Philipp who took the initiative when he called Julian on Friday afternoon.
"Hey Juli, do you have time tonight? I got a cool movie."
"Of course I have time, what movie do you have?"
"I won't tell you, let yourself be surprised."
"No, tell me."
Philipp laughed. "Nooo, I'll let you squirm for a while."
"Menno... okay, you sadist. See you later."
When Julian arrived at Philipp's, he had already prepared everything for a DVD evening.
Chips and drinks were available.
"There, lie down. It's about to start."
"I'm curious to see what you're making such a fuss about."
Philipp grinned like a Cheshire cat.
"You'll see."
Philipp turned on the DVD player. The movie started. An Indian woman was yelling at some boys playing soccer who were making fun of one of them. Philipp looked at Julian expectantly. "Do you know him?"
"Well."
"Okay, then let yourself be surprised."
Philipp had to grin broadly again. The film was set in an ugly English suburb and was called "Beautiful Thing." It was about two boys falling in love. Julian and Philipp watched the film in silence until almost the end. When the two boys in the film began to dance, tightly embraced, Philipp stood up and held out his hand to Julian. Julian looked questioningly at Philipp. He whispered, "Hey, come on."
Julian stood up. The two embraced each other and danced in a gentle rocking step, just like the two boys in the movie.
Several minutes later: The film had long since ended when they were still dancing and Philipp whispered softly in Julian's ear: "Juli... I was such an idiot, but I was completely overwhelmed, you understand?"
He stopped, broke away from the hug, and looked at Julian with a firm expression. "Please forgive me if I hurt you in any way, but I didn't know how to handle the situation. But Sophie made some things clear to me. I finally know who and what I am and what I want. Juli... I love you and I want to be with you."
Julian felt his eyes fill with tears, but he wasn't ashamed and let them flow. In a shaky voice, he said, "My God, Phil, you have no idea how much I love you, but I'm the one who should apologize. I've realized I've been pushing you too hard, and I want to be with you so badly."
They hugged each other, sank back onto the sofa, tightly embraced, and kissed long and tenderly.
It was as if a red cloud of emotions surrounded her.