07-12-2025, 02:53 PM
"Fuck you bitch! Damn it! This damn thing never does what it's supposed to," I curse passionately to myself, even though I'm technically forbidden to do so. Like so many things, I'm forbidden to do, but...do I stick to it? No. Never. So... "FUCK YOU BITCH!" By the way, this damn thing is my ancient crimper...for crimping my hair, you know?! Because God, out of cruel malice, stuck some flimsy shit on my head, and to make it even remotely resemble hair, I have to hold the stupid thing on for hours. Now, because this stupid thing is obviously completely fucked, I've singed, messed up, and tangled up my hair again and I look like a complete little idiot.
That's it. Goodbye, Crimper! I'll buy a new one and then see what you get!
So, with semi-wavy, pink, chin-length hair, which I've tied into two funny braids, my fluttering Pink Panther dress, ripped stockings, and high-heeled Docs, I set off. I have a mission to fulfill, and I'm already behind schedule. You'd think that such a task would be left to the elitist, snooty (because they have wings) sweethearts up there, but no... I have to get to it. As if I have nothing better to do. And the sweethearts are lying around on their lazy bones, or rather, on their wings, singing Hallelujah the whole time. It's about time someone up there put their foot down and got them off their damn asses.
An annoying growl tells me that I'm apparently thinking bad things again. I ignore it. The main thing is that I don't get struck by lightning.
On my way to the everything-here-is-it shopping paradise, I don't get a lightning strike, but I do get a wide-eyed look. Okay, it's summer and about a thousand degrees, but does this male luminary really have to sit in my favorite café, spooning away at a giant ice cream sundae with double and triple cream if I want to buy a crimper?!
"Are you doing this on purpose?" I ask up at the blue sky, earning strange looks from a very overweight grandmother walking her very overweight dachshund. This shining figure is so engrossed in the ice cream that I feel completely different. Totally ecstatic, his tongue flicks so obscenely over his hardcore pout that I almost want to lick my lips like crazy. Mmm, he has delicate hands...I can see that.
He probably plays the piano or is a masseur. In any case, he wears his black hair in a trendy fringed style on and around his head. He casually sweeps his long bangs back from his face. A delicate silver cord dangles from his wrist, glittering in the sun. Well, that he's wearing a Berlin shirt...in Berlin...okay, that's for him to decide.
I mentally file the mission and the crimper in the 'important but not today' folder and stroll provocatively past the shining light. I mean, I want to stroll provocatively, but I'm so stupid that I trip over my long shoelaces and stumble. Damn, I should have tied those damn shoes. Anyway, I have to grab the shining light's chair to avoid landing on my ass, and I say something like, "Oops."
The shining light catches me with a charming grin. "So this is your usual gimmick?" Uh...what??
"You'd better sit down and tie your shoes," he explains, continuing to spoon at his ice cream. A hint of caramel wafts around my nose. I feel like dying. He has a beautiful voice. He has a beautiful mouth. And anyway...I've just developed a crush.
"What do you mean, usual trick?" I ask drowsily.
"Well, that's just it...your little flag that you're carrying, a little wiggle of your butt, a little provocative bouncing of your boobs, and whoops..."
Is he out of his mind? How is he talking to me?
"I tripped," I answer, stunned, and begin to lace up my 14-hole Doc's properly.
"No wonder you're so stuck and one of us has to step in. We really have enough to do," he sighs.
"Have you taken drugs? What the hell are you talking about?"
A loud thunderclap directly above my head makes me jump. I should have known. He can't do anything for the devil.
"About your protégé going to bed alone night after night because he hasn't won his sweetheart yet. What have you actually been doing here?"
Wow...he knows a lot. "Who the hell are you and what do you know about my protégé?"
"I'm one of those elitist, snooty, winged darlings."
Oh shit!!!
A day like any other for Daniel. Boring school lessons, alone during recess, watching the others have fun, going home, eating alone, sitting alone in his room.
When he started high school, everything was still fine. He was a completely normal, somewhat quiet kid with friends. But that changed suddenly. Not that he became louder and/or livelier, but his friends thought he was weird. You know how it is...he wore the wrong clothes, had the wrong haircut, said the wrong things (when he did say anything), moved the wrong way, was interested in the wrong things...that sort of thing. On top of that, he was a bit softer than a boy should be, a little naive and goofy...suddenly, Daniel was a top-notch outsider. He still is, and has since turned sixteen.
With a sigh, he puts on his favorite CD and turns to his homework. Daniel is anything but a nerd, but...does he perhaps have something else to do in the afternoon besides homework? No, he doesn't.
"Wow...what a loser," hisses the bright figure sitting next to me at the window, staring through the binoculars. "Of course he has no friends. We've been staring at his life for three days now, and what does he do? School, homework, washing his hands, and off to bed. That's just a cover, of course...no one can be that boring. And you?" he asks, turning his beautiful head in my direction. "You haven't done anything yet, have you?"
Man, I honestly feel a tiny bit guilty. I mean, I've done so much... gone out, thrown wild parties, seduced a few cute Earthlings... I've been really lazy when it comes to Daniel. But the stupid shining light doesn't need to know that.
"I," I answer as snottily as I can, crossing my stockinged legs, "have already made contact with him."
"You stumbled into his arms, didn't you?" he grins.
Asshole!
"I'm his tutor. Good Aunt Scholastica. Where do you think his excellent grades come from?"
"Phh...I'm impressed. However, it wasn't your job to make him a little genius."
I shrug. "It's included in the price."
"Listen, Aunt Scholastica...I'm not here to help you," he explains, nibbling on his last slice of pizza, "but because HE really dislikes your work ethic, okay. If you spend all night hanging around who knows where and with who knows who, it's clear you're not getting anything done. You're not here on vacation."
"And you're not here to stuff yourself," I hiss angrily, practically ripping the pizza slice away from his mouth.
He gives me a dark look, puts the binoculars up to his eyes, and jumps up in disgust a moment later. "Oh my God..."
»Was'n?«
He flails his arms in agitation. "He's jerking off," he shrieks shrilly. "In broad daylight."
"Really?" I hastily grab the binoculars and rush to the window. "Where?"
"You don't want to watch this, do you?"
"Yes. What do you mind?" I ask, looking for my protégé.
“That’s disgusting,” the shining light remarks, pissed off.
"That's great," I rave. "Finally, some action...oh wow...he seems to be thinking about something really hot, the way he's going," I giggle.
Daniel is practically lying in his monstrous black leather desk chair. His eyes are closed and his hand is moving with remarkable speed.
Hazel-brown strands of hair hang in his face, and his lips are slightly parted. He looks pretty...what can I say?! I like the show. I'm just an old voyeur. But before Daniel is finished, my view, or rather, my binoculars, are blocked.
“Stop it now,” yells the shining light.
"Party pooper," I pout, sticking my tongue out at him.
"We'll come up with a sensible plan now. Otherwise I'll be stuck here in this dump forever."
"Hey, nothing against my apartment, yes. I did it all myself," I explain proudly, because my old apartment has truly turned out breathtakingly beautiful. For example, I painted the kitchen red and there are golden cherubs and other gold knick-knacks hanging everywhere.
My bedroom is dusty pink with a huge four-poster bed and lots of kitsch. The bathroom, on the other hand, looks like a lagoon. Blue-green-turquoise, funny fish, shells, and seahorses are stuck to the tiles, ivy creeps from the ceiling, and I got this awesome blue-transparent toilet seat with fish on it from the hardware store. In the living room is my beloved dark green leather couch (which looks like something out of a cheap 70s porno), a low table, a TV, and other such things. The most beautiful thing in my apartment, however, is an absurd frog table I found in the trash. It's a wooden frog on four legs that holds my phone.
I could still kiss Jeanne for discovering it but then, after much pestering, giving it to me. Incidentally, people who see the frog table for the first time usually seem a little unsettled.
"Good for you," replies The Shining One, strolls to the fridge and comes back with a pot of cookies and cream ice cream.
"Isn't gluttony a mortal sin?"
“And laziness?” he counters.
"Touch."
He lies down on the porn couch and spoons his ice cream. "So, Schola, let's hear what you've come up with for Daniel."
Martin wraps a towel around his waist and dries his straw-blond hair with another. Hot clouds follow him from the shower room into the locker room, where he heads for his seat, glances briefly to his left, and shakes his head. On the left sits the idiot from his class, the one everyone makes fun of. Today, there was also trouble with the PE teacher. Daniel had forgotten his gym clothes...like every Tuesday. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices Daniel's furtive glance and hopes for his sake that he's the only one. If the others notice that Daniel apparently enjoys staring at boys' butts, he can make his will...Martin thinks as he gets dressed. It's funny how you can really get away with anything here...drugs, alcohol, women, troubles with the police, obesity, lousy grades, pimply faces...but if you're a guy who thinks another guy is attractive, you've screwed up. And if you're as soft and sensitive as Daniel, you really have nothing to laugh about.
"Hey, Schröder, what's up? Are you coming to Conny's party on Saturday?" A stark naked boy slaps him hard on the back.
“Man, Sascha, stop that shit,” Martin hisses.
"Why are you so pissed off?" he asks, getting dressed. "Because of Lena? Forget that cow. If she dumps you...find something new."
"I broke up with you, asshole. And in case you're wondering, we're still friends, so be careful what you say about Lena."
The boy shrugs and ties his shoes. "Fine. Anyway, Conny's totally hot for you, and since you're free now..."
Martin sighs in annoyance. This kind of chatter is getting on his nerves. Just as he's getting fed up with the parties and his so-called friends, who have absolutely no idea what's going on with him. Only Lena knows everything...almost everything. That's why he broke up with her.
"Well, see you later," Sascha calls and leaves the locker room.
"I can't believe that," Martin mutters, stuffing his stuff into his bag and looking over at Daniel. "Do we still have math?"
The boy's cheeks turn a slightly reddish color. "Uh...yes, after free period. Why?"
"Then tell me I'm sick. I'm going home."
»Okay.«
In his room, Martin throws himself onto the bed, reaches for the phone and dials.
"Hey, Lena."
"Oh...hi," a voice chirps in his ear. "Why aren't you in math?"
"No nerve," he replies. "Listen, what we discussed yesterday...that's just between us, right? I mean..."
"What do you think? That I'm one of those stupid gossips? Or that I'm dragging you into it because we broke up? Honestly, Martin, I'm glad you told me the truth. I was already doubting my sanity... well, and yours too," she giggles. "Don't stress."
"I just can't handle it yet, and I don't even know if I..."
"Well, I think you..." she interrupts.
Martin puts a hand over his eyes and sighs. "Man, why me, huh?"
"I don't know. But if that's the way it is, that's the way it is. So stop complaining and do something."
"Toller Tipp," he grumbled.
»No risk no fun. Ran an den Speck, Martin.«
"Yeah, yeah. Look, can we meet later...for hot chocolate at ULTRA?"
"Okay, babe. I'll be there around eight. Love you."
"I love you too. And Lena...thank you."
After hanging up, he closes his eyes and...sighs. And he dreams. Dreams again about that one person he shouldn't dream about.
At about the same time, I'm sitting next to my protégé, trying to teach him English. Well, he's doing pretty well. If only he weren't so nervous. But...hey, who doesn't get nervous when a beauty of my caliber is sitting next to them?!
"So, sweetheart...do you think next week's essay will be okay?"
"I think so," he murmurs quietly.
I fiddle a bit with the rosary I wear around my neck. "How are you otherwise?"
"Uh...what?"
"Well...what's going on at school and after school? Are you still going out, for example? I mean, at this time of day, all the boys and girls your age are probably out and about."
"Not me."
"Yes, I see that. Why not? Not in the mood, or what?"
He looks at me in pain. "It's just stupid being alone. You're my only social contact."
Well, he's not telling me any news. While he pours me a glass of juice, I look him over. Cute, I immediately think. He's lanky, but not skinny; he has a cute button nose, pretty lips, and slender, slim fingers. Man, the way he shyly tugs at his slightly too-long sleeves makes you want to immediately take him in your arms and cuddle him. Of course, that's completely forbidden for me.
"You know what, Dani...we're going to ULTRA later, and you can treat me to a delicious stracciatella cappuccino. What do you think?"
His eyes widen. "You...you want to go out with me?"
"Secure."
"Um...well, okay. Isn't this a joke either?" he asks cautiously.
"How did you come to that conclusion?"
"Because everyone's making fun of me. Seems to be hip right now."
I cross my legs and bat my eyelashes. "Am I everyone?" Then I jump up. "Hey, I'll cut your hair, okay? The way it is now, it looks pretty shitty, you know?!"
He clutches his head and looks dejected. He may have been a bit too direct, but...his messed-up haircut is just disgusting.
Mmm...Dani uses peach shampoo. Oh, it smells amazing. Wow, and his hair is really soft. It's fun to rummage through it. I also notice that Daniel has very cute little ears and a neck that makes you want to nibble on it. Yeah, I'm not allowed to, so I concentrate on the cut.
After exactly 43 minutes, I'm finished, and Daniel looks stunning. His hazel-brown hair is beautifully messy, and his long bangs hang so close to his face that he has to brush them to the side. Very good...that's always hot with guys.
"And you think I'll make friends this way?" he asks skeptically, tearing up the work of art I've just created.
“Don’t touch that,” I scream in panic, but quickly regain control.
"Of course a new hairstyle alone isn't enough, sweetheart." Sighing, I flop down onto his bed. "I don't know why you're making this so difficult."
"Me? But the others are..."
"Oh, screw the others," I snarl. "Honestly, Dani, you just need to bang your fist on the table at school. When those idiots try to make fun of you... insult them like crazy for a change instead of just letting them get away with it."
"Of course...they'll beat me up right away."
"They'll be so surprised they won't even think about it. I realize you can't physically compete with those idiots, but...you have to make them feel like you can. It's not about muscle power, you know?! Whoever yells the loudest and curses the best wins."
"But I can't shout and swear loudly."
"Sure, you can. The next time someone gives you a dirty talk, just yell "FUCK YOU BITCH" in their face. Or you can tell them nicely to go fuck themselves. And that if they don't leave you alone, you'll smash their stupid face against the fucking wall."
He shakes his pretty head.
"Well, I'll change now and then pick you up later, okay?"
When I get to my apartment, the shining light is lounging on the couch eating marshmallows.
"And...did he take the bait?" he asks, licking chocolate from his finger.
"You could have easily figured that out yourself if you'd gotten your ass off the couch. And I don't just mean to go to the fridge."
"Uh, Schola, don't dress too daring. After all, he should be crushing on his own kind, not drooling over your holy ass all evening."
You little idiot, I think to myself, grinning to myself. "Don't worry, he'll fall madly in love today. Then you, Hocus Pocus, can fly back to where you came from, and I'll finally be free. I can do whatever I want."
"I don't understand why you're so keen on living here."
"I could have wished for a pair of wings, too, but then I'd have to endure someone like you forever and ever. No, I'd rather do my own thing down here and have fun. You're all such total bores. Rejoicing and dancing around the apple tree with blissful smiles...very amusing," I reply, yawning demonstratively.
"Anyway, we're not whoring around."
"If you did, maybe you wouldn't be so uptight."
"And you should reflect a little on what you once were."
Man, here he comes again with those ancient stories. "I've been the chaste nun long enough, eh?"
He crosses his arms across his chest. "Your halo is starting to crumble."
"My halo has never shone brighter, you asshole," I roar angrily.
"So you think HE approves of your new lifestyle?"
"I actually think so. Listen, being abstinent for a while was, after all, my own decision. Nothing was imposed on me. All this celibacy crap is an invention of the Catholic Church, you know that as well as I do, my dear. And you can see what they get out of it. A bunch of uptight bastards who seduce little boys and girls...priests who lead double lives...children who have to grow up without a father...and when you consider how the organization deals with topics like homosexuality, it makes you so sick that you want to blow the whole mess up. What these pseudo-pious churchmen are squeezing out of their sick brains is certainly not HIS intention. Just remember what those bastards did to Jeanne. And now I don't feel like arguing with you anymore. I have to get ready to go out."
At 8:30, I'm sucking on my Kiba after a cappuccino and am almost dying of boredom. Daniel is definitely not a fun person. I mean, he can be funny when he wants to, but today he doesn't seem to want to, and of course I know exactly why. Or rather, who. Since we've been here, he's been staring across the room at the table by the window. Lena is sitting there with Martin.
"Why are you always looking there?" I ask hypocritically, at which he blushes furiously. Man, that looks incredibly sweet. "Do you know those two?"
"Uh...yeah...they're in my grade."
"Well, then we can go over and say hello."
"No," he cries out, horrified. "I mean, Martin and Lena are together and probably want to be left alone. Besides, they hate me."
"Oh, Schnickischnacki," I say, waving my hand. "You really need a couple of people around you, don't you? And if they get mean... I'll get mean too. And believe me, I'm very good at that," I grin.
"But...what should I say?"
"Well... hello. Then you can introduce me, ask if we can sit down, and the rest is child's play." I lightly poke him in the ribs. "Come on, you little coward. No risk, no fun."
Just to be on the safe side, I'll put my arm around his shoulder. I don't want him to faint or stupidly trip over his own feet. How embarrassing. We stop in front of Lena Martin's table. The girl looks at us in surprise.
"Uh...hello," mumbles Daniel, his cheeks bright red.
"Hello...what are you doing here and...what did you do with your hair?"
"That was me. Hi, I'm Scholastika."
Lena shakes her blonde-streaked head. "Wow, that name...I've never heard of it. By the way, I'm Lena, and that's Martin."
"Can we sit down?" I ask, sitting down next to Martin, who seems to be suffering from acute speech instability. "I think it's really nice to meet some of Dani's friends."
My protégé has now pulled up a chair and is sitting next to Lena. "Actually, we're not friends."
“Well, we hardly know each other,” Lena corrects.
Daniel looks at her in surprise. "We've known each other since sixth grade."
"Yes, but not really."
"Right enough to keep making fun of me."
Oh dear...don't start a fight, sweetheart. That'll ruin my beautiful plan.
"Hey," Lena raises her hands defensively, "Martin and I always left you alone, didn't we?"
"It doesn't matter. All I'm saying is, we're not friends."
"Well, that can be changed," Lena smiles and nudges Martin, who looks totally shocked.
"Uh...uh, what?"
Wow...who taught him to talk? Well, it doesn't matter, because Martin has a cuteness about him that even makes me feel faint. And I'm really not into teenagers. Not sexually, anyway. Er...at least not that much. So, just to give you an idea...Martin has very pretty blue-grey eyes with incredibly long, thick eyelashes and a head of straw-blonde hair. And a cute little pouty face. He looks...yes, he actually looks a bit like the guy from the Rosenstolz video. The one who desperately wants to fall in love, you know?!
"I was just thinking," Lena begins, "you could come to Conny's party on Saturday..."
"Oh, I love teenage parties," I grin.
Martin looks like he's just reached into a tub of fish guts. "What's he doing there?"
“Have fun and meet people?” suggests Lena.
"You know as well as I do that the whole damn school thinks he's an idiot, and if you ask me...they're right."
Oh no, babe. That was very rude. You shouldn't lie. Daniel slowly stands up and leans across the table toward Martin. "Fuck you, Schröder," he hisses.
"Uh...excuse me?"
"Are you screwed up? Fuck you, asshole. I don't give a shit what you think about me or what the idiots at school say. And I don't feel like going to your stupid puke parties anyway." He shakes his head. "Fuck you all," he adds, and walks away.
I mentally throw my hands up in the air. I mean, wow...what a cool exit...unfortunately, the completely wrong address. Damn, he's ruining everything. Martin looks a little shocked, while Lena is giggling like an idiot.
"Man, he really gave it to you, didn't he? I wouldn't have thought he was capable of it."
"Well, I'll be there too. See you Saturday, you two," I say a hasty goodbye and hurry after my protégé.
He's standing outside, beaming from ear to ear. "So, how was I?"
“Great,” I grumble.
"What is it? I should insult him."
"You should show the school idiots what's what, not scare away your...er, your future friends, idiot."
"Didn't you hear what that asshole was babbling about?"
I'm starting to get pissed off. "You didn't have to tell him to go fuck himself three times. Once would have been enough."
"Phh..." he huffs, "I feel great."
Yes, yes, and I'm allowed to straighten everything out. How I'm supposed to do that is beyond me.
So, I went shopping with Daniel today. Clothes for the party. He can't just show up in jeans and a baggy sweater. By the way, he's been talking about Lena the whole time. The two seem to have become friends since the incident at ULTRA. I'm a little pissed off. I'm happy for Daniel's little girlfriend, I just don't like it when a guy raves about another girl in my presence. Not that Daniel raves about her that much... he just talks about how cool she is and how nice and all that. Still, it pisses me off.
"Let me take a look at you, sweetheart."
Well, man, I'm a real stylist. Daniel looks great.
Black, remarkably low-cut corduroy pants, Chucks, a black shirt with holes on the shoulders (like Brian "Sex God" Molko's in the Pure Morning video), and that new haircut...damn sexy, that kid. I've turned him into a really cute indie boy. Bravo, Schola!!
"Do you really think we should go there?" he asks uncertainly, tugging at his shirt.
"Absolutely," I reply, still patting myself on the back. The thing is so short that you always see a bit of his creamy skin. Mmm...I'd love to slip my hand under his shirt and...
"And now comes the icing on the cake."
»Huh?«
I pull him onto the bed with me and brush soft strands of hair from his face. Haha...his heart suddenly starts beating fast. How sweet! Anyway, I rub my nose against his neck and nibble a little on the velvety skin.
"Uh, Schola...what...what are you doing?"
"Hickey," I murmur, "makes an impression and looks incredibly sexy."
"Oh God...please don't," he moans, but I'm already at it.
Hey...I guess I'm allowed a little fun, right?! I don't have any other plans with him.
Okay, teen party! It's not worth wasting much time on. Dim lighting, alcohol, snacks, music, and just a bunch of teenagers. I sit down on the couch and ask myself for a moment why I'm all dressed up like this? I'm definitely not going to get a good fuck here. Anyway, it's about Daniel, after all. He's currently being besieged by Lena. Martin, as far as I can tell, is crouching gloomily in a corner, but he's surreptitiously staring at the two of them.
"Tell me, who are you?"
I turn around and look into a relatively pretty teenage face.
“Scholastika,” I whisper and stretch a little.
"Cool name. Are you a friend of Conny's? I mean, I actually know all of Conny's friends and...uh...you don't go to our school, do you? Um, I'm Sascha, by the way."
Shit, he's too young, damn it. What a pity!! "I'm here with Daniel."
"Which Daniel?"
"Daniel Berger," I reply, accidentally touching Sascha's leg with my bare knee. Schola, he's only sixteen at the most...please don't forget that!
He chokes on his beer and then looks around frantically. "What? What does he want here, and what does that idiot have to do with a dream woman like you?"
Ah...how flattering. "Daniel protected me when some sleazy guy tried to get his hands on me. He broke his nose. We...we fuck every now and then," I explain, shrugging and reminding myself not to blow my mind too far.
"With the firecracker?"
"Daniel is the coolest guy I know," I reply, "would you please get me a drink?" I have a feeling I'm going to get some work today and I don't need this charming Sascha distraction.
Daniel and Lena seem to be having a great time. They're talking and laughing the whole time, and I could swear my sweetheart is trying to flirt with her. Kerrkerrkerr...can he please do something right?!
Martin, considerably drunk, staggers towards the two of them and bumps into my little heart.
"Keep your hands off my girlfriend, you pissant."
Lena is immediately furious. "What's wrong with you? Martin, we're not together anymore."
"And what's next? Since when do you let idiots grope you?"
"And since when are you Lena's nanny?" asks Daniel, his eyes twinkling evilly.
"Shut up. What do you even want? Nobody...absolutely nobody wants you here, so why don't you get out of here?"
"Leave me in peace, Schröder."
"Anything else?"
Daniel grabs Martin's shirt collar. "Or I'll smash your stupid face against the fucking wall."
Well, he got it across pretty well...Martin still laughs at him.
"Nice try, asshole," he hisses.
My plan is completely backfiring. Teenagers are truly awful. To make matters worse, Sascha Babe reappears and smiles at me dotingly. I'm going crazy. A little help wouldn't hurt, but my shining light would rather eat herself stupid. I'm telling you...you always have to do everything on your own.
Because I'm distracted for a moment (Sascha kisses my bare shoulder), I don't notice that there's probably a fight going on...or was. Daniel's nose is bleeding and Martin is holding his left eye. Great! A few kids are standing around staring stupidly, Lena is petting Daniel's nose.
“What’s going on here?” I yell.
“Martin can’t handle alcohol,” Lena explains, pissed off.
"You stupid bitch," he snarls.
First, I make sure my little heart is okay, leave him with Lena for the moment, and take care of Martin and his fletching eye.
"Come on, let's put some ice on it."
In the kitchen, I put him on a chair, wrap a few ice cubes in a tea towel, and carefully place it on Martin's eye.
"At..."
"Now will you tell me what's going on?"
"That asshole should stay away from my girlfriend."
I'm getting fed up with this. "You don't even like Lena...so what do you care?"
Martin's face turns pale. "How...how do you know that?"
"I know a lot, sweetheart."
"I don't give a damn," he hisses angrily. "Lena is MY girlfriend."
I sit on his lap and put my arm around his shoulder. "Oh, honey... haven't we realized lately that girls don't really turn us on?" I whisper in his ear. "Don't we happen to have half-naked boys popping into our heads while we jerk off, huh?"
Martin roughly pushes me off his lap and jumps up. "That...that's not true at all...that...I'm not a faggot," he yells in horror and runs away.
Oh dear...I used to be better!
In the living room, Lena is still taking care of Daniel like Mother Teresa. I don't give a damn; I've had enough for today. I say goodbye to them both, which my little heart barely notices because he's probably already floating in heaven. Yesterday he was a total loser, and today he's smitten with Martin and has a pretty girl by his side.
After all this stress, I desperately need some relaxation, meaning... a good fuck! I've always wanted to have sex with an angel anyway, so I throw myself onto the couch next to him and charm him. To my astonishment, I realize that he's not interested, which I really don't understand because I'm truly amazing. I mean, I have supermodel proportions, I'm incredibly beautiful, and anyone...I repeat anyone...would tear their arms and legs off to have the chance to fuck me.
"You have way too high an opinion of yourself," the shining light declares, pushing up the strap of my dress. "I'm not here to be seduced by some third-rate saint, so be a good man and put your boobs away, okay?"
"Impotent bastard," I snarl, stuff my FIRST-CLASS super breasts into my dress, and stumble into my bedroom in frustration.
I feel pretty guilty about being so rude to Martin. I'm usually more empathetic, but...man, this is all taking way too long. At some point, the grace period will expire, and my patience will run out.
"Well, sweetheart...how's your nose?"
Daniel carefully grabs the prongs. "Feels like I have a potato in my face."
"Looks like it. How on earth did you come up with the idea of fighting with Martin? Did you accidentally swallow Rambo pills or something?"
“He started it,” he defends himself.
For that, I give him a slap on the back of the head. "Idiot. This isn't kindergarten."
"But it's true. I was just talking to Lena and suddenly he's insulting me and yelling at me not to mess with his girlfriend."
"Did you turn her on?" I want to know.
"No."
"Why not? She's cute, isn't she?"
"I don't know."
"Well, you must have seen them."
"Yes, I have."
Oh come on, sweetheart. Finally admit it. "So?"
"Yes, she's very sweet," he replies annoyed.
"But?" I ask, just as annoyed.
"Tell me, Schola, what do you actually want?"
I sigh theatrically. "That you get along with Martin."
"Have you lost your mind?" he asks, stunned.
"Look, you have to understand. He just broke up with his babe and sees her flirting with you. If you were him, you'd have freaked out, too."
Daniel shakes his head. Hmm, I can understand that. I mean, why would he befriend someone who punches him in the face?! Man, think about it, Schola, you have to come up with something!!
"I...uh...by the way, I still have a date with Lena, so if you please...uh..."
WHAT?? Is he kicking me out? I'm going to die. My little heart is obviously suffering from a touch of megalomania. He opens his mouth and says he's the absolute king now, or what do I mean? Boy, you're nowhere near the point where your school friends will pat you on the back when they see you. Unless they want to stick a label saying you're an idiot. And Lena... what does she have in mind for my little heart? For years she thinks he's an idiot and suddenly she's going out with him?
Girls are really simple. As soon as a boy starts a fight and says "Fuck you," they start drooling over him.
"So, you're meeting Lena...what are you planning?"
“I have no idea,” Daniel answers, visibly nervous.
"Kissing, huh?" I grin and lightly punch him in the ribs.
"No," he screeches, turning red, "I mean...uh..."
Sweetheart, I know exactly what you mean. Come on, try it...it's so easy!
"So we kind of realized that we have a lot in common and...uh, well, we just want to hang out."
"My dear, boys never just hang out with girls. Boys want to get laid."
He rolls his eyes. "I've known Lena for a few days."
"Wrong. You've known each other since sixth grade. Besides, it's totally irrelevant. Boys are always horny and...you're a boy, right?"
"I don't want to have that conversation, Schola."
Okay, I'm not getting anywhere here. And I'm not wanted here, so I'd better get out of here and pay Martin a visit.
Wow, he's not exactly happy. But he looks pretty with his yellow-green-violet color spectacle on his eye.
"Hi, I just wanted to make sure you're okay," I smile.
"I'm fine. Goodbye."
I put my arm around his shoulder. "Let's talk, hmm, what do you think?"
“Nothing,” he grumbles.
"Look, I'm sorry I was so direct. It's just my way."
"You think I'm a faggot."
"First of all, faggot isn't a very nice word. And further...what's so bad about the fact that you're into boys?"
"The fact that I'm NOT into boys, but you keep accusing me of it?" he suggests.
"Listen, Tiger...we're totally alone here, so you can speak openly. Why did it upset you so much when you saw Daniel and Lena together? After all, you broke up with her."
"So what? That doesn't mean she has to deal with that bum."
Does everyone but me have this nonsense?
"What's any of this to you? Why am I even talking to you? I barely know you." He shakes his handsome head in confusion. "Doesn't it bother you if your boyfriend..."
I burst out laughing. A little hysterically, but...man, it couldn't possibly get any more complicated.
"Daniel is my tutor and something like a little brother to me."
"Oh yeah?" he asks, his eyes flashing aggressively. That is, only one of them flashes. The damaged part has a greasy sheen. He must have rubbed ointment or something on it, but that's beside the point. "So where did he get that hickey?"
Okay, I can't stop laughing. God, he's cute.
"You noticed that one, right? You were looking at my little heart in that dim light," I grin. "Well, okay, that thing is actually mine, but I was just kidding. Daniel is cute, but a little too young for me, you know?! By the way... I don't know if you noticed, but you're totally jealous right now."
Martin's cheeks turn bright red. "What nonsense."
"I bet YOU would have loved to give him that damn hickey. Suckled on his soft neck. Ran your fingers through his..."
“Would you please go now,” he interrupts me weakly.
"Martin, I've known for a long time that you're in love with Daniel. Sweetheart, that's totally okay."
He collapses onto the couch. "Great. My life is over." Without warning, he suddenly starts shaking and bursts into tears. Ohhhh...I love tear-stained boys. But that doesn't matter either. I pull him into my arms and rock him for a while.
"I...I don't want this but...I always have these...I mean...damn...now he hates me...and everyone else will hate me...and...and I hate myself and...shit...why does he have to be so great? I tried not to like him...but when I see him...when I think of him...I keep thinking of him..." he cries.
"You know...Daniel would really like to make up with you, but he doesn't know how. I think he's a little scared."
He looks at me in disbelief. "Really?" he sniffs.
"I shouldn't really tell you this, but...he likes you. I think if you made the first move..."
Martin shakes his head wildly. "I...I can't do that. Never."
"Sure. You just go and apologize."
"No, I can't talk to him. My mind is completely blank when he stands in front of me and looks at me."
"Then you'll just pull yourself together. It's not that difficult. After all, you were able to tell him very convincingly that he's a pissant and so on."
He shakes his head again. "I just want to forget him."
Of course...having him in front of you every day at school will obviously make things easier!
That shining light has devoured my supplies again. What a damned greedy creature. If he weren't so incredibly beautiful, I would have kicked his heavenly ass long ago.
"So," he begins, chewing, "I heard that Daniel is seeing a girl."
"And?" I ask, disgusted.
"Good work. I won't even mention the fight."
"I don't give a shit."
"Why are you in a bad mood? Everything's going the way we planned. Now the two of them can finally fall in love."
His babble is really pissing me off. He clearly has no clue about anything. Besides, I'm seriously sexually frustrated. Why can't that idiot just fuck me?
Oh, right...because the doorbell just rang. Man, do I want visitors now?? Super annoyed, I throw open the door.
"Hi, sweetie!"
Miserably long legs in black fishnet stockings, a black miniskirt, high-heeled Docs, and a remarkably tight top. Honey-blonde pageboy hair and a bewitchingly beautiful face.
"Jeanne...what are you doing here?" I yell, wrap my arms around her and kiss her briefly on the mouth.
"I was just in the area," she grins.
Jeanne comes over every few months, stays for three or four days, and then I usually need a week to recover. Jeanne is an absolute party animal! Much, much worse than me.
She strolls into the living room and lets out a scream. "WOW...Schola...who's that angel on your couch?"
“Oh no, the Virgin herself,” murmurs the luminous figure.
Haha...if he only knew!
"HE sent him here," I explain, and Jeanne giggles loudly.
"You're too slow for HIM again, aren't you? But why on earth would HE put such a slut in front of you? I mean, it's bound to be a distraction." Haha...if she only knew!
"Forget it...his only vice is eating my hair," I reply.
"Well, with your thin fluff, I'd starve to death," the shining light replies in a very friendly manner.
Okay, I've gotten used to the fact that I'm not blessed with luscious golden curls like Santa Claus, but asking me about it is a big mistake.
"You impotent asshole!"
The shining light smiles. "Your insults aren't very original. Come up with something new."
"Tailless...SOULESS bastard!"
"Oh, that was mean, Schola," Jeanne remarks.
The shining light seems to think so too, because she jumps up and a little later the apartment door slams shut.
Jeanne puts her arm around me. "Oh dear...you've been hit pretty hard, haven't you? Then I'll go one step further...your brother asked for you."
"Benedict? What do you have to do with that whiner?"
"We've met several times. I'm supposed to say hello."
“He can go fuck himself,” I reply darkly.
Jeanne blushes a little. I can't stand it. "Oh no...don't tell me you..."
“Just once,” she answers hastily.
"Why? I thought you weren't into men."
She tucks her hair behind my ear with a smile. "He's your twin brother...besides, you shouldn't turn down something you haven't tried."
"So? Was he able to convert you?"
"Not really," she whispers, pressing her little pout to my lips. Her hands wander under my shirt over my breasts, revealing rather nice
Things on. "Not if I can have you," she whispers, about to have sex with me right here on the couch, but then decides against it.
"Let's go out and have fun. Let's not think about work and unwilling angels."
"I'm not in the mood."
Jeanne beams. "But if I tell you that VANI is on tour and playing tonight...hey, not seeing her is a sin."
She's damn right. VANI is amazing. A real electronic princess babe. She has super-fun stage props (ironing board, teacups, mime keyboard), and she has a fabulous voice.
"Okay, persuaded," I grin.
Daniel stands in the doorway, quite stunned. "What do you want here?"
His counterpart stares nervously at a crumpled piece of paper, hastily stuffs it into his pocket, takes a deep breath, and looks at him. "Hello. I want to apologize for my behavior...for punching you in the nose and interfering in things that are none of my business. I broke up with Lena, so she can do whatever she wants. I'm so sorry about everything, and I hope you'll forgive me."
Daniel shakes his head. "Did you write that down?"
Martin's cheeks flush. "Uh...yes, sort of. I thought...well, I didn't want to forget anything important and..."
"Acting like a complete idiot?" Daniel completes amusedly, whereupon Martin slumps his shoulders in dejection.
"I...I really meant it. I'm sorry."
"Okay. So now we're friends, right?"
The boy's face brightens a little. "I'd love that."
"So I'm asking you to come into my room now and we'll sit in front of the computer, watch some movies, and talk about parties and women and stuff?"
»Ahem...well...«
Daniel's eyes narrow. "Tell me, how stupid do you think I am? Which of these jerks came up with this, huh? Are they standing somewhere laughing their asses off?"
"What...what do you mean?" Martin asks uncertainly.
"Is Lena's interest also feigned?"
"I don't know. I haven't spoken to her since the party. I didn't dare because I don't know how mad at me she still is."
"Listen, Schröder...I'm sick of being treated like an idiot. That's it, now's the end of it. Tell the others and get lost," Daniel hisses angrily.
"But I wanted...I mean..." Martin stammers helplessly, and Daniel suddenly notices that the boy's eyes are shining moistly. "Sorry...I...it was probably...I'd better go."
Daniel is torn. "Wait," he calls gently, "just come in."
"Would you like something to drink?"
Martin shakes his head and nervously rubs the sleeves of his shirt between his hands. Daniel has no idea what to say or do, so he just sits down on the bed and looks at Martin. He notices how soft Martin's lips look and how much he'd like to brush those darn bangs out of his eyes. He remembers his masturbation fantasy and looks down, ashamed. He feels unbearably hot, his head starts to buzz strangely, and he's actually uncomfortable being near Martin. His insecurity confuses him. It seems less dangerous to him when Martin treats him like an idiot. It's easier when he can just hate this sweet boy. Thinking about a boy, about Martin, is terrible in certain situations, but having him in his room now...it's almost too much.
»Dani...«
His head jerks up. "Yes?"
Martin rocks back and forth uncertainly, then takes a few quick steps and crouches down in front of Daniel. "I think you're cute," he gushed, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. Before the surprised Daniel can say anything else, Martin jumps up and runs away.
Wow... I'm totally exhausted. The three days with Jeanne really wore me out, but they were incredibly fun. I think she was a little disappointed that I didn't let her have me. Normally I'd love to, I think Jeanne is great and sex with her is always pretty good... but it just didn't work out. And it's all the fault of that stupid, greedy, stubborn, enchantingly beautiful angel idiot. And I'm not really in love. I mean, I'm enthusiastic about men (sometimes women too) and I like sleeping with them, but falling in love? Nope. Not really. Now I'm walking on my own because that shining light has been missing for four days and I have no idea if I'll ever see her again.
The apartment suddenly feels so empty without my angel. Oh, my sweet angel. How I would have loved to kiss him just once. Those small, pale red lips. My goodness...now I'm hanging here, sniffing like crazy at the pillow that shining light always lay on. Deeply at odds with the world and at odds with myself, I pull all my candy stash out of the cupboard and my anti-depression video collection out from under the bed. Ladies Prefer Blondes, The Breakfast Club, Desperately Seeking Susan, Wonderboys, etc. Great...now I can't decide what to watch. I could puke. While I'm feeling so sorry for myself, a key turns in some keyhole, and shortly afterwards, the angelic visage grins at me. My heart stops.
"Hey, what's going on here? Partying alone, or what?" He carefully browses through the videos and beams. Then he puts in a cassette and nudges me. "Slide a little."
Of course. Now I get to watch DOGMA with an angel. I can't stand it!
My brain has given up. All I can do is crawl into the corner of the couch and nervously offer him rum balls. Oh well, and of course I can still love Loki and Bartleby.
Halfway through the film, I found my voice again. "Why did you come back?"
The luminous figure stretches provocatively, presenting me with a sliver of bare skin and a cute belly button. "I was hungry. Besides, your work isn't done yet. Now shut up, I want to see the movie."
I want to smash him first and then myself. You might think...watching TV together, hey, that's bound to bring you closer, you just have to cuddle. Ugh, forget it. That angel ass doesn't even think about it and I don't dare. But I would love soooo much...to cuddle with him. He looks incredibly soft. Soft and beautiful and just lovely to fall in love with. That's obviously his trick. I mean, he's an angel and they have to be beautiful. And I fall for it too. It's really hilarious!
Oh dear...Daniel looks the way I feel. Crumpled, with dark circles all the way down to his toes.
"Hey, what's going on?"
"If I knew," he mutters, shuffles into his room and falls onto the bed.
I throw myself down next to him. "So?"
"And what about you? You look like you've been crying for hours."
"Allergy," I explain. "Besides, it's not about me."
"Martin was here."
»What?«
"Yeah...he apologized and...well, he apologized."
"It's okay."
He sits up with a jerk. "Schola...he said he thinks I'm cute."
What? Has he lost his mind? How can he do something like that when I'm not there? Well, whatever...the main thing is that it's finally out there.
"And?"
"Then he kissed me...here." Daniel strokes his cheek dreamily. Oh, how sweet. Man, that was pretty quick. I wouldn't have thought Martin was capable of that.
"And then he took off. Just like that. Schola...what do I do now?"
"Well, tell him you like him too," I reply, lightly slapping him on the back of the head.
"How do you know...I mean...you can't possibly know. Nobody knows."
"It doesn't matter," I interrupt. "Tell him how you feel."
"I can't do that. I...I'm way too confused. Why is he suddenly doing this? I've been the idiot to him all this time, and...and besides, he was with Lena. This is surely all just a joke. But he was really nervous and I think he was shaking. I don't know..." he sighs. "I have to think. I have to...I don't know. It was a stupid joke, nothing more."
"And if not? I mean, think about what he's risking. You could spread the word and make fun of him."
"Or he'll tell everyone I'm a faggot."
That boys always have to use that horrible word. "Well, look at it this way... you don't really have anything to lose. Everyone already thinks you're an idiot. And if that's a joke, then you're just a gay idiot. Anyway, I strongly suggest you find out if Martin is serious about you. Or maybe you just don't like him enough?"
"No idea."
I put my index finger under his chin. "That's a lie, Daniel, huh?"
"Why can't he just continue being the asshole I only dream about? Everything's so complicated now."
"Well...now you have to do something instead of just hiding and watching everyone else. Hey, think about all the exciting things that could happen if you dare. Carpe diem, sweetheart. Grab your sweetie."
When I get home, I'm shocked. Well, not immediately. At first, I just hear strange noises. I sneak through the apartment, listening, and I'm sure the sounds are coming from my bedroom. Strange. Cautiously, I peer through the open crack in the door...
Let me be absolutely clear. I know exactly when I'm dealing with gay sex, and what's going on right in front of me is hardcore gay sex!! And I'm not talking about a little fondling under the covers...my angel is getting fucked really hard right now. Normally, I'd find this quite enjoyable, but...I feel like going crazy. How can he do something like that in MY bed? Without me??
My heart is totally broken.
"Hopefully you'll at least change the sheets afterward," I say very clearly. Two sweaty, red faces look at me in shock. No, only the angel face is shocked. The other one...
“Hi, sis,” grins my stupid twin brother Benedikt.
Okay, now it finally hits me!! And I'm furious.
"Tell me, are you crazy? How can you fuck MY angel in MY bed, huh?" I scream.
"Sorry, I didn't know it was yours."
"You...you bum. What do you even want here?"
"Actually, I wanted to see how you were doing. I missed you, and when you weren't here... uh... well," Benedikt explains, pointing to the shining light who's stupidly hiding under the covers.
"You get out of my bedroom immediately. And preferably out of my life immediately."
“Schola, don’t be so uncomfortable,” Benedikt replies casually.
I mentally go through my cutlery drawer, looking for a large knife.
"You...you goddamn ASSHOLES!!" I yell and storm into the living room.
Okay, I'm sorry about the bad word. I'm just so angry and...I hate Benedict. What a jerk. He still hasn't forgiven me for not being able to stay at his monastery one night and having to stay with me. That says it all, doesn't it?
Wearing only boxer shorts, Benedikt sits down next to me. "I really imagined our reunion would be different," he grumbles. "I thought you'd be happy."
He's so bold...it takes my breath away.
"Grab your friend and get out of here."
"Why are you so angry?"
HAHA...where do I even begin? First of all, he's landed the love of my life, who, of course, is nothing more than a good number for him. Second, he's been accusing me of this monastery sleepover story for centuries. And third, Benedict is revered to the point of insanity, while I've disappeared into obscurity. Sure, I'm just a woman. It's disgusting. The whole world is teeming with Benedictines, and where the hell are the Scholastic nuns??
"Schola," he says gently, "I really want to make up with you. I miss you."
I push away his arm, which has snaked around my shoulder. "You should have thought about that before you stuck your cock up that angel's ass. Now get out of my sight."
"Hey, I couldn't have known that he...that you...is there something going on between you?"
Haha...good joke! "Do you really think I'd discuss something like that with you? Man, I don't know you at all and I prefer to leave it at that. So, what part of "Get Out of My Life" didn't you understand?"
"You're really making it hard to love you, sis," he sighs, and I'm literally on the verge of a rampage. "Okay, can I at least get dressed?"
"You have five minutes."
He stands up and turns to me again. "Where's your hospitality gone, hmm? And what about charity?"
"If you want love...fuck your goddamn angel," I reply. "Now...get out of here."
“But I don’t know where to go,” he replies contritely.
"Sit on his back and fly to heaven."
"Can't...can't I at least stay a night or two...Schola, come on, I'm your brother after all."
I don't care about anything anyway. "Do what you want," I hiss.
Okay, heartbreak or not...I have to do my work here, otherwise I'll never have any peace.
"Hi, sweetheart."
Daniel is beaming, about as much as a hardcore decorated Christmas tree.
"What's wrong with you?" I ask, slightly disgusted. I hate seeing happy people when I'm feeling so miserable myself.
"Oh God, Schola...you won't believe what happened. It...oh wow...I'm..." He doesn't get any further because he's interrupted. By—I can't stand it—Martin. He suddenly appears behind him, throws his arms around Daniel's chest, and is beaming just as madly. They must have had mushrooms for breakfast. Uh...wait a minute...did I miss something while I was crying my eyes out because my angel would rather cuddle with my stupid brother than me?
»So...true love seems to have broken out between you, right?«
Martin and Daniel nod vigorously. How wonderful. Mission accomplished, I wish them both a wonderful life. Unfortunately, I have to watch their love story first. And their kissing. And their groping. And their giggling. And their amorous behavior. And me? I want to drop bombs.
Yes, those two really are extremely cute...with their messy hair (because they're always messing around in it), rosy cheeks, heart-shaped eyes, holding hands, and kissing...I just can't bear it right now. I just can't get the image of Benedikt fucking the shining light out of my head. Besides, I'm starting to feel like I'm being totally taken for a ride. I mean, why on earth does everyone turn out to be gay? Why does my angel like cocks, and why the hell don't I have one? Not that I'm particularly keen on being a guy, but if I could win the shining light over like that...
These two boys are just about content with themselves and apparently don't think it's particularly rude to show me their adolescent bravo-petting. Martin is half-lying on top of Daniel, whose hand is fondling Martin's stomach. I can clearly see their tongues before they kiss.
"I want a hickey," Daniel whispers so loudly that I can't miss it. "Would you like to give me one?"
Martin giggles shyly and immediately sucks hard on Daniel's neck.
I feel very lonely and walk home unnoticed. On the way there, I accidentally step in a piece of chewing gum. My mood is really low. Luckily, it wasn't dog poop.
Benedict is lounging on the couch. There's no sign of the angel.
"Hey, sis...what's that face?"
I must be totally desperate because I sit on his lap and wrap my arms around him, pouting. "Oh, Bennie... everything is so awful."
He kisses my forehead tenderly. "What all?"
"I don't know. Everyone around me is in love and happy."
"You mean your two boys?" he asks with a wink. "That's what you wanted...even if not what you should have. The angel was pretty pissed off."
"The two of them are made for each other. They've been liking each other for months. Why should I force Dani on Lena if he prefers boys?"
"I think you did the right thing, sweetie."
"You're only saying that so I'll let you continue living here," I reply, offended.
"Not at all. But if you don't mind..." he grins.
"Nobody loves me," I sniff, snuggling deeper into Benedikt's arms. Mmm...he smells like my vanilla body lotion.
"I love you."
"You don't count. We're related, after all. I mean, what's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want me?"
"I want you," he whispers, nibbling on my ear.
Uh?
His hand, which just a moment ago was resting innocently on my knee, begins to move; it strokes my thigh and pushes up my pale blue, fluttering dress.
UH???
"Bennie...you're my brother."
"So what?" he whispers and kisses my neck.
"Honestly...that would be like fucking myself." We're twins, you know?!
"Come here, angel," he suddenly says in an irresistible fuck-me voice.
I'm scared to death and turn my head toward the door. Oh dear... there stands the luminous figure, staring at us with his mouth open. I'm sure he's about to throw on his chain mail, draw his sword, and chop us both off. But incomprehensibly, he strolls over to the couch, smiling, and sits down next to us. Uh... I'm a little confused.
"I must have disturbed you?"
A truly dirty grin appears on Benedikt's face. He places his index finger under my angel's chin. "Be nice...then you can join in."
I'M GOING CRASH!! Slowly, the angel's mouth approaches Benedikt's lips and...argh...they kiss. Oh wow, that looks hot. I instantly feel very hot. Especially when soft angel fingers gently stroke my bare thigh, Bennie's hand opens the shining light's jeans and slides inside, his other hand buries itself in my hair, and...suddenly, the three of us are making out. And that's just the beginning.
Oh man...we're all going to hell for this!!!
Two months later, I'm not in hell, but still in Berlin. My angel is gone. We had a wonderful, unfortunately far too short, affair. To be honest, we're madly in love, but as it happens, there can't be a happy ending for an angel and a saint. I'm sure the sweet guy is sitting on his cloud right now, missing me. I miss him too. Very, very much.
Benedict is somewhere in the world, but we want to stay in touch.
Things are going a little better for Daniel at school...after all, he's now friends with Lena. He and Martin are madly in love, which, of course, has to remain a secret. You can be anything these days...but still not really gay. Especially not as a teenager. No matter how many gay men appear on TV and demonstrate how great it is, they can be. Luckily, the two have a little fairy godmother who occasionally lets them use her apartment for extended cuddle sessions.
And me? I'm wandering around town looking for two new sweethearts...and a decent crimper!
AMEN
That's it. Goodbye, Crimper! I'll buy a new one and then see what you get!
So, with semi-wavy, pink, chin-length hair, which I've tied into two funny braids, my fluttering Pink Panther dress, ripped stockings, and high-heeled Docs, I set off. I have a mission to fulfill, and I'm already behind schedule. You'd think that such a task would be left to the elitist, snooty (because they have wings) sweethearts up there, but no... I have to get to it. As if I have nothing better to do. And the sweethearts are lying around on their lazy bones, or rather, on their wings, singing Hallelujah the whole time. It's about time someone up there put their foot down and got them off their damn asses.
An annoying growl tells me that I'm apparently thinking bad things again. I ignore it. The main thing is that I don't get struck by lightning.
On my way to the everything-here-is-it shopping paradise, I don't get a lightning strike, but I do get a wide-eyed look. Okay, it's summer and about a thousand degrees, but does this male luminary really have to sit in my favorite café, spooning away at a giant ice cream sundae with double and triple cream if I want to buy a crimper?!
"Are you doing this on purpose?" I ask up at the blue sky, earning strange looks from a very overweight grandmother walking her very overweight dachshund. This shining figure is so engrossed in the ice cream that I feel completely different. Totally ecstatic, his tongue flicks so obscenely over his hardcore pout that I almost want to lick my lips like crazy. Mmm, he has delicate hands...I can see that.
He probably plays the piano or is a masseur. In any case, he wears his black hair in a trendy fringed style on and around his head. He casually sweeps his long bangs back from his face. A delicate silver cord dangles from his wrist, glittering in the sun. Well, that he's wearing a Berlin shirt...in Berlin...okay, that's for him to decide.
I mentally file the mission and the crimper in the 'important but not today' folder and stroll provocatively past the shining light. I mean, I want to stroll provocatively, but I'm so stupid that I trip over my long shoelaces and stumble. Damn, I should have tied those damn shoes. Anyway, I have to grab the shining light's chair to avoid landing on my ass, and I say something like, "Oops."
The shining light catches me with a charming grin. "So this is your usual gimmick?" Uh...what??
"You'd better sit down and tie your shoes," he explains, continuing to spoon at his ice cream. A hint of caramel wafts around my nose. I feel like dying. He has a beautiful voice. He has a beautiful mouth. And anyway...I've just developed a crush.
"What do you mean, usual trick?" I ask drowsily.
"Well, that's just it...your little flag that you're carrying, a little wiggle of your butt, a little provocative bouncing of your boobs, and whoops..."
Is he out of his mind? How is he talking to me?
"I tripped," I answer, stunned, and begin to lace up my 14-hole Doc's properly.
"No wonder you're so stuck and one of us has to step in. We really have enough to do," he sighs.
"Have you taken drugs? What the hell are you talking about?"
A loud thunderclap directly above my head makes me jump. I should have known. He can't do anything for the devil.
"About your protégé going to bed alone night after night because he hasn't won his sweetheart yet. What have you actually been doing here?"
Wow...he knows a lot. "Who the hell are you and what do you know about my protégé?"
"I'm one of those elitist, snooty, winged darlings."
Oh shit!!!
A day like any other for Daniel. Boring school lessons, alone during recess, watching the others have fun, going home, eating alone, sitting alone in his room.
When he started high school, everything was still fine. He was a completely normal, somewhat quiet kid with friends. But that changed suddenly. Not that he became louder and/or livelier, but his friends thought he was weird. You know how it is...he wore the wrong clothes, had the wrong haircut, said the wrong things (when he did say anything), moved the wrong way, was interested in the wrong things...that sort of thing. On top of that, he was a bit softer than a boy should be, a little naive and goofy...suddenly, Daniel was a top-notch outsider. He still is, and has since turned sixteen.
With a sigh, he puts on his favorite CD and turns to his homework. Daniel is anything but a nerd, but...does he perhaps have something else to do in the afternoon besides homework? No, he doesn't.
"Wow...what a loser," hisses the bright figure sitting next to me at the window, staring through the binoculars. "Of course he has no friends. We've been staring at his life for three days now, and what does he do? School, homework, washing his hands, and off to bed. That's just a cover, of course...no one can be that boring. And you?" he asks, turning his beautiful head in my direction. "You haven't done anything yet, have you?"
Man, I honestly feel a tiny bit guilty. I mean, I've done so much... gone out, thrown wild parties, seduced a few cute Earthlings... I've been really lazy when it comes to Daniel. But the stupid shining light doesn't need to know that.
"I," I answer as snottily as I can, crossing my stockinged legs, "have already made contact with him."
"You stumbled into his arms, didn't you?" he grins.
Asshole!
"I'm his tutor. Good Aunt Scholastica. Where do you think his excellent grades come from?"
"Phh...I'm impressed. However, it wasn't your job to make him a little genius."
I shrug. "It's included in the price."
"Listen, Aunt Scholastica...I'm not here to help you," he explains, nibbling on his last slice of pizza, "but because HE really dislikes your work ethic, okay. If you spend all night hanging around who knows where and with who knows who, it's clear you're not getting anything done. You're not here on vacation."
"And you're not here to stuff yourself," I hiss angrily, practically ripping the pizza slice away from his mouth.
He gives me a dark look, puts the binoculars up to his eyes, and jumps up in disgust a moment later. "Oh my God..."
»Was'n?«
He flails his arms in agitation. "He's jerking off," he shrieks shrilly. "In broad daylight."
"Really?" I hastily grab the binoculars and rush to the window. "Where?"
"You don't want to watch this, do you?"
"Yes. What do you mind?" I ask, looking for my protégé.
“That’s disgusting,” the shining light remarks, pissed off.
"That's great," I rave. "Finally, some action...oh wow...he seems to be thinking about something really hot, the way he's going," I giggle.
Daniel is practically lying in his monstrous black leather desk chair. His eyes are closed and his hand is moving with remarkable speed.
Hazel-brown strands of hair hang in his face, and his lips are slightly parted. He looks pretty...what can I say?! I like the show. I'm just an old voyeur. But before Daniel is finished, my view, or rather, my binoculars, are blocked.
“Stop it now,” yells the shining light.
"Party pooper," I pout, sticking my tongue out at him.
"We'll come up with a sensible plan now. Otherwise I'll be stuck here in this dump forever."
"Hey, nothing against my apartment, yes. I did it all myself," I explain proudly, because my old apartment has truly turned out breathtakingly beautiful. For example, I painted the kitchen red and there are golden cherubs and other gold knick-knacks hanging everywhere.
My bedroom is dusty pink with a huge four-poster bed and lots of kitsch. The bathroom, on the other hand, looks like a lagoon. Blue-green-turquoise, funny fish, shells, and seahorses are stuck to the tiles, ivy creeps from the ceiling, and I got this awesome blue-transparent toilet seat with fish on it from the hardware store. In the living room is my beloved dark green leather couch (which looks like something out of a cheap 70s porno), a low table, a TV, and other such things. The most beautiful thing in my apartment, however, is an absurd frog table I found in the trash. It's a wooden frog on four legs that holds my phone.
I could still kiss Jeanne for discovering it but then, after much pestering, giving it to me. Incidentally, people who see the frog table for the first time usually seem a little unsettled.
"Good for you," replies The Shining One, strolls to the fridge and comes back with a pot of cookies and cream ice cream.
"Isn't gluttony a mortal sin?"
“And laziness?” he counters.
"Touch."
He lies down on the porn couch and spoons his ice cream. "So, Schola, let's hear what you've come up with for Daniel."
Martin wraps a towel around his waist and dries his straw-blond hair with another. Hot clouds follow him from the shower room into the locker room, where he heads for his seat, glances briefly to his left, and shakes his head. On the left sits the idiot from his class, the one everyone makes fun of. Today, there was also trouble with the PE teacher. Daniel had forgotten his gym clothes...like every Tuesday. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices Daniel's furtive glance and hopes for his sake that he's the only one. If the others notice that Daniel apparently enjoys staring at boys' butts, he can make his will...Martin thinks as he gets dressed. It's funny how you can really get away with anything here...drugs, alcohol, women, troubles with the police, obesity, lousy grades, pimply faces...but if you're a guy who thinks another guy is attractive, you've screwed up. And if you're as soft and sensitive as Daniel, you really have nothing to laugh about.
"Hey, Schröder, what's up? Are you coming to Conny's party on Saturday?" A stark naked boy slaps him hard on the back.
“Man, Sascha, stop that shit,” Martin hisses.
"Why are you so pissed off?" he asks, getting dressed. "Because of Lena? Forget that cow. If she dumps you...find something new."
"I broke up with you, asshole. And in case you're wondering, we're still friends, so be careful what you say about Lena."
The boy shrugs and ties his shoes. "Fine. Anyway, Conny's totally hot for you, and since you're free now..."
Martin sighs in annoyance. This kind of chatter is getting on his nerves. Just as he's getting fed up with the parties and his so-called friends, who have absolutely no idea what's going on with him. Only Lena knows everything...almost everything. That's why he broke up with her.
"Well, see you later," Sascha calls and leaves the locker room.
"I can't believe that," Martin mutters, stuffing his stuff into his bag and looking over at Daniel. "Do we still have math?"
The boy's cheeks turn a slightly reddish color. "Uh...yes, after free period. Why?"
"Then tell me I'm sick. I'm going home."
»Okay.«
In his room, Martin throws himself onto the bed, reaches for the phone and dials.
"Hey, Lena."
"Oh...hi," a voice chirps in his ear. "Why aren't you in math?"
"No nerve," he replies. "Listen, what we discussed yesterday...that's just between us, right? I mean..."
"What do you think? That I'm one of those stupid gossips? Or that I'm dragging you into it because we broke up? Honestly, Martin, I'm glad you told me the truth. I was already doubting my sanity... well, and yours too," she giggles. "Don't stress."
"I just can't handle it yet, and I don't even know if I..."
"Well, I think you..." she interrupts.
Martin puts a hand over his eyes and sighs. "Man, why me, huh?"
"I don't know. But if that's the way it is, that's the way it is. So stop complaining and do something."
"Toller Tipp," he grumbled.
»No risk no fun. Ran an den Speck, Martin.«
"Yeah, yeah. Look, can we meet later...for hot chocolate at ULTRA?"
"Okay, babe. I'll be there around eight. Love you."
"I love you too. And Lena...thank you."
After hanging up, he closes his eyes and...sighs. And he dreams. Dreams again about that one person he shouldn't dream about.
At about the same time, I'm sitting next to my protégé, trying to teach him English. Well, he's doing pretty well. If only he weren't so nervous. But...hey, who doesn't get nervous when a beauty of my caliber is sitting next to them?!
"So, sweetheart...do you think next week's essay will be okay?"
"I think so," he murmurs quietly.
I fiddle a bit with the rosary I wear around my neck. "How are you otherwise?"
"Uh...what?"
"Well...what's going on at school and after school? Are you still going out, for example? I mean, at this time of day, all the boys and girls your age are probably out and about."
"Not me."
"Yes, I see that. Why not? Not in the mood, or what?"
He looks at me in pain. "It's just stupid being alone. You're my only social contact."
Well, he's not telling me any news. While he pours me a glass of juice, I look him over. Cute, I immediately think. He's lanky, but not skinny; he has a cute button nose, pretty lips, and slender, slim fingers. Man, the way he shyly tugs at his slightly too-long sleeves makes you want to immediately take him in your arms and cuddle him. Of course, that's completely forbidden for me.
"You know what, Dani...we're going to ULTRA later, and you can treat me to a delicious stracciatella cappuccino. What do you think?"
His eyes widen. "You...you want to go out with me?"
"Secure."
"Um...well, okay. Isn't this a joke either?" he asks cautiously.
"How did you come to that conclusion?"
"Because everyone's making fun of me. Seems to be hip right now."
I cross my legs and bat my eyelashes. "Am I everyone?" Then I jump up. "Hey, I'll cut your hair, okay? The way it is now, it looks pretty shitty, you know?!"
He clutches his head and looks dejected. He may have been a bit too direct, but...his messed-up haircut is just disgusting.
Mmm...Dani uses peach shampoo. Oh, it smells amazing. Wow, and his hair is really soft. It's fun to rummage through it. I also notice that Daniel has very cute little ears and a neck that makes you want to nibble on it. Yeah, I'm not allowed to, so I concentrate on the cut.
After exactly 43 minutes, I'm finished, and Daniel looks stunning. His hazel-brown hair is beautifully messy, and his long bangs hang so close to his face that he has to brush them to the side. Very good...that's always hot with guys.
"And you think I'll make friends this way?" he asks skeptically, tearing up the work of art I've just created.
“Don’t touch that,” I scream in panic, but quickly regain control.
"Of course a new hairstyle alone isn't enough, sweetheart." Sighing, I flop down onto his bed. "I don't know why you're making this so difficult."
"Me? But the others are..."
"Oh, screw the others," I snarl. "Honestly, Dani, you just need to bang your fist on the table at school. When those idiots try to make fun of you... insult them like crazy for a change instead of just letting them get away with it."
"Of course...they'll beat me up right away."
"They'll be so surprised they won't even think about it. I realize you can't physically compete with those idiots, but...you have to make them feel like you can. It's not about muscle power, you know?! Whoever yells the loudest and curses the best wins."
"But I can't shout and swear loudly."
"Sure, you can. The next time someone gives you a dirty talk, just yell "FUCK YOU BITCH" in their face. Or you can tell them nicely to go fuck themselves. And that if they don't leave you alone, you'll smash their stupid face against the fucking wall."
He shakes his pretty head.
"Well, I'll change now and then pick you up later, okay?"
When I get to my apartment, the shining light is lounging on the couch eating marshmallows.
"And...did he take the bait?" he asks, licking chocolate from his finger.
"You could have easily figured that out yourself if you'd gotten your ass off the couch. And I don't just mean to go to the fridge."
"Uh, Schola, don't dress too daring. After all, he should be crushing on his own kind, not drooling over your holy ass all evening."
You little idiot, I think to myself, grinning to myself. "Don't worry, he'll fall madly in love today. Then you, Hocus Pocus, can fly back to where you came from, and I'll finally be free. I can do whatever I want."
"I don't understand why you're so keen on living here."
"I could have wished for a pair of wings, too, but then I'd have to endure someone like you forever and ever. No, I'd rather do my own thing down here and have fun. You're all such total bores. Rejoicing and dancing around the apple tree with blissful smiles...very amusing," I reply, yawning demonstratively.
"Anyway, we're not whoring around."
"If you did, maybe you wouldn't be so uptight."
"And you should reflect a little on what you once were."
Man, here he comes again with those ancient stories. "I've been the chaste nun long enough, eh?"
He crosses his arms across his chest. "Your halo is starting to crumble."
"My halo has never shone brighter, you asshole," I roar angrily.
"So you think HE approves of your new lifestyle?"
"I actually think so. Listen, being abstinent for a while was, after all, my own decision. Nothing was imposed on me. All this celibacy crap is an invention of the Catholic Church, you know that as well as I do, my dear. And you can see what they get out of it. A bunch of uptight bastards who seduce little boys and girls...priests who lead double lives...children who have to grow up without a father...and when you consider how the organization deals with topics like homosexuality, it makes you so sick that you want to blow the whole mess up. What these pseudo-pious churchmen are squeezing out of their sick brains is certainly not HIS intention. Just remember what those bastards did to Jeanne. And now I don't feel like arguing with you anymore. I have to get ready to go out."
At 8:30, I'm sucking on my Kiba after a cappuccino and am almost dying of boredom. Daniel is definitely not a fun person. I mean, he can be funny when he wants to, but today he doesn't seem to want to, and of course I know exactly why. Or rather, who. Since we've been here, he's been staring across the room at the table by the window. Lena is sitting there with Martin.
"Why are you always looking there?" I ask hypocritically, at which he blushes furiously. Man, that looks incredibly sweet. "Do you know those two?"
"Uh...yeah...they're in my grade."
"Well, then we can go over and say hello."
"No," he cries out, horrified. "I mean, Martin and Lena are together and probably want to be left alone. Besides, they hate me."
"Oh, Schnickischnacki," I say, waving my hand. "You really need a couple of people around you, don't you? And if they get mean... I'll get mean too. And believe me, I'm very good at that," I grin.
"But...what should I say?"
"Well... hello. Then you can introduce me, ask if we can sit down, and the rest is child's play." I lightly poke him in the ribs. "Come on, you little coward. No risk, no fun."
Just to be on the safe side, I'll put my arm around his shoulder. I don't want him to faint or stupidly trip over his own feet. How embarrassing. We stop in front of Lena Martin's table. The girl looks at us in surprise.
"Uh...hello," mumbles Daniel, his cheeks bright red.
"Hello...what are you doing here and...what did you do with your hair?"
"That was me. Hi, I'm Scholastika."
Lena shakes her blonde-streaked head. "Wow, that name...I've never heard of it. By the way, I'm Lena, and that's Martin."
"Can we sit down?" I ask, sitting down next to Martin, who seems to be suffering from acute speech instability. "I think it's really nice to meet some of Dani's friends."
My protégé has now pulled up a chair and is sitting next to Lena. "Actually, we're not friends."
“Well, we hardly know each other,” Lena corrects.
Daniel looks at her in surprise. "We've known each other since sixth grade."
"Yes, but not really."
"Right enough to keep making fun of me."
Oh dear...don't start a fight, sweetheart. That'll ruin my beautiful plan.
"Hey," Lena raises her hands defensively, "Martin and I always left you alone, didn't we?"
"It doesn't matter. All I'm saying is, we're not friends."
"Well, that can be changed," Lena smiles and nudges Martin, who looks totally shocked.
"Uh...uh, what?"
Wow...who taught him to talk? Well, it doesn't matter, because Martin has a cuteness about him that even makes me feel faint. And I'm really not into teenagers. Not sexually, anyway. Er...at least not that much. So, just to give you an idea...Martin has very pretty blue-grey eyes with incredibly long, thick eyelashes and a head of straw-blonde hair. And a cute little pouty face. He looks...yes, he actually looks a bit like the guy from the Rosenstolz video. The one who desperately wants to fall in love, you know?!
"I was just thinking," Lena begins, "you could come to Conny's party on Saturday..."
"Oh, I love teenage parties," I grin.
Martin looks like he's just reached into a tub of fish guts. "What's he doing there?"
“Have fun and meet people?” suggests Lena.
"You know as well as I do that the whole damn school thinks he's an idiot, and if you ask me...they're right."
Oh no, babe. That was very rude. You shouldn't lie. Daniel slowly stands up and leans across the table toward Martin. "Fuck you, Schröder," he hisses.
"Uh...excuse me?"
"Are you screwed up? Fuck you, asshole. I don't give a shit what you think about me or what the idiots at school say. And I don't feel like going to your stupid puke parties anyway." He shakes his head. "Fuck you all," he adds, and walks away.
I mentally throw my hands up in the air. I mean, wow...what a cool exit...unfortunately, the completely wrong address. Damn, he's ruining everything. Martin looks a little shocked, while Lena is giggling like an idiot.
"Man, he really gave it to you, didn't he? I wouldn't have thought he was capable of it."
"Well, I'll be there too. See you Saturday, you two," I say a hasty goodbye and hurry after my protégé.
He's standing outside, beaming from ear to ear. "So, how was I?"
“Great,” I grumble.
"What is it? I should insult him."
"You should show the school idiots what's what, not scare away your...er, your future friends, idiot."
"Didn't you hear what that asshole was babbling about?"
I'm starting to get pissed off. "You didn't have to tell him to go fuck himself three times. Once would have been enough."
"Phh..." he huffs, "I feel great."
Yes, yes, and I'm allowed to straighten everything out. How I'm supposed to do that is beyond me.
So, I went shopping with Daniel today. Clothes for the party. He can't just show up in jeans and a baggy sweater. By the way, he's been talking about Lena the whole time. The two seem to have become friends since the incident at ULTRA. I'm a little pissed off. I'm happy for Daniel's little girlfriend, I just don't like it when a guy raves about another girl in my presence. Not that Daniel raves about her that much... he just talks about how cool she is and how nice and all that. Still, it pisses me off.
"Let me take a look at you, sweetheart."
Well, man, I'm a real stylist. Daniel looks great.
Black, remarkably low-cut corduroy pants, Chucks, a black shirt with holes on the shoulders (like Brian "Sex God" Molko's in the Pure Morning video), and that new haircut...damn sexy, that kid. I've turned him into a really cute indie boy. Bravo, Schola!!
"Do you really think we should go there?" he asks uncertainly, tugging at his shirt.
"Absolutely," I reply, still patting myself on the back. The thing is so short that you always see a bit of his creamy skin. Mmm...I'd love to slip my hand under his shirt and...
"And now comes the icing on the cake."
»Huh?«
I pull him onto the bed with me and brush soft strands of hair from his face. Haha...his heart suddenly starts beating fast. How sweet! Anyway, I rub my nose against his neck and nibble a little on the velvety skin.
"Uh, Schola...what...what are you doing?"
"Hickey," I murmur, "makes an impression and looks incredibly sexy."
"Oh God...please don't," he moans, but I'm already at it.
Hey...I guess I'm allowed a little fun, right?! I don't have any other plans with him.
Okay, teen party! It's not worth wasting much time on. Dim lighting, alcohol, snacks, music, and just a bunch of teenagers. I sit down on the couch and ask myself for a moment why I'm all dressed up like this? I'm definitely not going to get a good fuck here. Anyway, it's about Daniel, after all. He's currently being besieged by Lena. Martin, as far as I can tell, is crouching gloomily in a corner, but he's surreptitiously staring at the two of them.
"Tell me, who are you?"
I turn around and look into a relatively pretty teenage face.
“Scholastika,” I whisper and stretch a little.
"Cool name. Are you a friend of Conny's? I mean, I actually know all of Conny's friends and...uh...you don't go to our school, do you? Um, I'm Sascha, by the way."
Shit, he's too young, damn it. What a pity!! "I'm here with Daniel."
"Which Daniel?"
"Daniel Berger," I reply, accidentally touching Sascha's leg with my bare knee. Schola, he's only sixteen at the most...please don't forget that!
He chokes on his beer and then looks around frantically. "What? What does he want here, and what does that idiot have to do with a dream woman like you?"
Ah...how flattering. "Daniel protected me when some sleazy guy tried to get his hands on me. He broke his nose. We...we fuck every now and then," I explain, shrugging and reminding myself not to blow my mind too far.
"With the firecracker?"
"Daniel is the coolest guy I know," I reply, "would you please get me a drink?" I have a feeling I'm going to get some work today and I don't need this charming Sascha distraction.
Daniel and Lena seem to be having a great time. They're talking and laughing the whole time, and I could swear my sweetheart is trying to flirt with her. Kerrkerrkerr...can he please do something right?!
Martin, considerably drunk, staggers towards the two of them and bumps into my little heart.
"Keep your hands off my girlfriend, you pissant."
Lena is immediately furious. "What's wrong with you? Martin, we're not together anymore."
"And what's next? Since when do you let idiots grope you?"
"And since when are you Lena's nanny?" asks Daniel, his eyes twinkling evilly.
"Shut up. What do you even want? Nobody...absolutely nobody wants you here, so why don't you get out of here?"
"Leave me in peace, Schröder."
"Anything else?"
Daniel grabs Martin's shirt collar. "Or I'll smash your stupid face against the fucking wall."
Well, he got it across pretty well...Martin still laughs at him.
"Nice try, asshole," he hisses.
My plan is completely backfiring. Teenagers are truly awful. To make matters worse, Sascha Babe reappears and smiles at me dotingly. I'm going crazy. A little help wouldn't hurt, but my shining light would rather eat herself stupid. I'm telling you...you always have to do everything on your own.
Because I'm distracted for a moment (Sascha kisses my bare shoulder), I don't notice that there's probably a fight going on...or was. Daniel's nose is bleeding and Martin is holding his left eye. Great! A few kids are standing around staring stupidly, Lena is petting Daniel's nose.
“What’s going on here?” I yell.
“Martin can’t handle alcohol,” Lena explains, pissed off.
"You stupid bitch," he snarls.
First, I make sure my little heart is okay, leave him with Lena for the moment, and take care of Martin and his fletching eye.
"Come on, let's put some ice on it."
In the kitchen, I put him on a chair, wrap a few ice cubes in a tea towel, and carefully place it on Martin's eye.
"At..."
"Now will you tell me what's going on?"
"That asshole should stay away from my girlfriend."
I'm getting fed up with this. "You don't even like Lena...so what do you care?"
Martin's face turns pale. "How...how do you know that?"
"I know a lot, sweetheart."
"I don't give a damn," he hisses angrily. "Lena is MY girlfriend."
I sit on his lap and put my arm around his shoulder. "Oh, honey... haven't we realized lately that girls don't really turn us on?" I whisper in his ear. "Don't we happen to have half-naked boys popping into our heads while we jerk off, huh?"
Martin roughly pushes me off his lap and jumps up. "That...that's not true at all...that...I'm not a faggot," he yells in horror and runs away.
Oh dear...I used to be better!
In the living room, Lena is still taking care of Daniel like Mother Teresa. I don't give a damn; I've had enough for today. I say goodbye to them both, which my little heart barely notices because he's probably already floating in heaven. Yesterday he was a total loser, and today he's smitten with Martin and has a pretty girl by his side.
After all this stress, I desperately need some relaxation, meaning... a good fuck! I've always wanted to have sex with an angel anyway, so I throw myself onto the couch next to him and charm him. To my astonishment, I realize that he's not interested, which I really don't understand because I'm truly amazing. I mean, I have supermodel proportions, I'm incredibly beautiful, and anyone...I repeat anyone...would tear their arms and legs off to have the chance to fuck me.
"You have way too high an opinion of yourself," the shining light declares, pushing up the strap of my dress. "I'm not here to be seduced by some third-rate saint, so be a good man and put your boobs away, okay?"
"Impotent bastard," I snarl, stuff my FIRST-CLASS super breasts into my dress, and stumble into my bedroom in frustration.
I feel pretty guilty about being so rude to Martin. I'm usually more empathetic, but...man, this is all taking way too long. At some point, the grace period will expire, and my patience will run out.
"Well, sweetheart...how's your nose?"
Daniel carefully grabs the prongs. "Feels like I have a potato in my face."
"Looks like it. How on earth did you come up with the idea of fighting with Martin? Did you accidentally swallow Rambo pills or something?"
“He started it,” he defends himself.
For that, I give him a slap on the back of the head. "Idiot. This isn't kindergarten."
"But it's true. I was just talking to Lena and suddenly he's insulting me and yelling at me not to mess with his girlfriend."
"Did you turn her on?" I want to know.
"No."
"Why not? She's cute, isn't she?"
"I don't know."
"Well, you must have seen them."
"Yes, I have."
Oh come on, sweetheart. Finally admit it. "So?"
"Yes, she's very sweet," he replies annoyed.
"But?" I ask, just as annoyed.
"Tell me, Schola, what do you actually want?"
I sigh theatrically. "That you get along with Martin."
"Have you lost your mind?" he asks, stunned.
"Look, you have to understand. He just broke up with his babe and sees her flirting with you. If you were him, you'd have freaked out, too."
Daniel shakes his head. Hmm, I can understand that. I mean, why would he befriend someone who punches him in the face?! Man, think about it, Schola, you have to come up with something!!
"I...uh...by the way, I still have a date with Lena, so if you please...uh..."
WHAT?? Is he kicking me out? I'm going to die. My little heart is obviously suffering from a touch of megalomania. He opens his mouth and says he's the absolute king now, or what do I mean? Boy, you're nowhere near the point where your school friends will pat you on the back when they see you. Unless they want to stick a label saying you're an idiot. And Lena... what does she have in mind for my little heart? For years she thinks he's an idiot and suddenly she's going out with him?
Girls are really simple. As soon as a boy starts a fight and says "Fuck you," they start drooling over him.
"So, you're meeting Lena...what are you planning?"
“I have no idea,” Daniel answers, visibly nervous.
"Kissing, huh?" I grin and lightly punch him in the ribs.
"No," he screeches, turning red, "I mean...uh..."
Sweetheart, I know exactly what you mean. Come on, try it...it's so easy!
"So we kind of realized that we have a lot in common and...uh, well, we just want to hang out."
"My dear, boys never just hang out with girls. Boys want to get laid."
He rolls his eyes. "I've known Lena for a few days."
"Wrong. You've known each other since sixth grade. Besides, it's totally irrelevant. Boys are always horny and...you're a boy, right?"
"I don't want to have that conversation, Schola."
Okay, I'm not getting anywhere here. And I'm not wanted here, so I'd better get out of here and pay Martin a visit.
Wow, he's not exactly happy. But he looks pretty with his yellow-green-violet color spectacle on his eye.
"Hi, I just wanted to make sure you're okay," I smile.
"I'm fine. Goodbye."
I put my arm around his shoulder. "Let's talk, hmm, what do you think?"
“Nothing,” he grumbles.
"Look, I'm sorry I was so direct. It's just my way."
"You think I'm a faggot."
"First of all, faggot isn't a very nice word. And further...what's so bad about the fact that you're into boys?"
"The fact that I'm NOT into boys, but you keep accusing me of it?" he suggests.
"Listen, Tiger...we're totally alone here, so you can speak openly. Why did it upset you so much when you saw Daniel and Lena together? After all, you broke up with her."
"So what? That doesn't mean she has to deal with that bum."
Does everyone but me have this nonsense?
"What's any of this to you? Why am I even talking to you? I barely know you." He shakes his handsome head in confusion. "Doesn't it bother you if your boyfriend..."
I burst out laughing. A little hysterically, but...man, it couldn't possibly get any more complicated.
"Daniel is my tutor and something like a little brother to me."
"Oh yeah?" he asks, his eyes flashing aggressively. That is, only one of them flashes. The damaged part has a greasy sheen. He must have rubbed ointment or something on it, but that's beside the point. "So where did he get that hickey?"
Okay, I can't stop laughing. God, he's cute.
"You noticed that one, right? You were looking at my little heart in that dim light," I grin. "Well, okay, that thing is actually mine, but I was just kidding. Daniel is cute, but a little too young for me, you know?! By the way... I don't know if you noticed, but you're totally jealous right now."
Martin's cheeks turn bright red. "What nonsense."
"I bet YOU would have loved to give him that damn hickey. Suckled on his soft neck. Ran your fingers through his..."
“Would you please go now,” he interrupts me weakly.
"Martin, I've known for a long time that you're in love with Daniel. Sweetheart, that's totally okay."
He collapses onto the couch. "Great. My life is over." Without warning, he suddenly starts shaking and bursts into tears. Ohhhh...I love tear-stained boys. But that doesn't matter either. I pull him into my arms and rock him for a while.
"I...I don't want this but...I always have these...I mean...damn...now he hates me...and everyone else will hate me...and...and I hate myself and...shit...why does he have to be so great? I tried not to like him...but when I see him...when I think of him...I keep thinking of him..." he cries.
"You know...Daniel would really like to make up with you, but he doesn't know how. I think he's a little scared."
He looks at me in disbelief. "Really?" he sniffs.
"I shouldn't really tell you this, but...he likes you. I think if you made the first move..."
Martin shakes his head wildly. "I...I can't do that. Never."
"Sure. You just go and apologize."
"No, I can't talk to him. My mind is completely blank when he stands in front of me and looks at me."
"Then you'll just pull yourself together. It's not that difficult. After all, you were able to tell him very convincingly that he's a pissant and so on."
He shakes his head again. "I just want to forget him."
Of course...having him in front of you every day at school will obviously make things easier!
That shining light has devoured my supplies again. What a damned greedy creature. If he weren't so incredibly beautiful, I would have kicked his heavenly ass long ago.
"So," he begins, chewing, "I heard that Daniel is seeing a girl."
"And?" I ask, disgusted.
"Good work. I won't even mention the fight."
"I don't give a shit."
"Why are you in a bad mood? Everything's going the way we planned. Now the two of them can finally fall in love."
His babble is really pissing me off. He clearly has no clue about anything. Besides, I'm seriously sexually frustrated. Why can't that idiot just fuck me?
Oh, right...because the doorbell just rang. Man, do I want visitors now?? Super annoyed, I throw open the door.
"Hi, sweetie!"
Miserably long legs in black fishnet stockings, a black miniskirt, high-heeled Docs, and a remarkably tight top. Honey-blonde pageboy hair and a bewitchingly beautiful face.
"Jeanne...what are you doing here?" I yell, wrap my arms around her and kiss her briefly on the mouth.
"I was just in the area," she grins.
Jeanne comes over every few months, stays for three or four days, and then I usually need a week to recover. Jeanne is an absolute party animal! Much, much worse than me.
She strolls into the living room and lets out a scream. "WOW...Schola...who's that angel on your couch?"
“Oh no, the Virgin herself,” murmurs the luminous figure.
Haha...if he only knew!
"HE sent him here," I explain, and Jeanne giggles loudly.
"You're too slow for HIM again, aren't you? But why on earth would HE put such a slut in front of you? I mean, it's bound to be a distraction." Haha...if she only knew!
"Forget it...his only vice is eating my hair," I reply.
"Well, with your thin fluff, I'd starve to death," the shining light replies in a very friendly manner.
Okay, I've gotten used to the fact that I'm not blessed with luscious golden curls like Santa Claus, but asking me about it is a big mistake.
"You impotent asshole!"
The shining light smiles. "Your insults aren't very original. Come up with something new."
"Tailless...SOULESS bastard!"
"Oh, that was mean, Schola," Jeanne remarks.
The shining light seems to think so too, because she jumps up and a little later the apartment door slams shut.
Jeanne puts her arm around me. "Oh dear...you've been hit pretty hard, haven't you? Then I'll go one step further...your brother asked for you."
"Benedict? What do you have to do with that whiner?"
"We've met several times. I'm supposed to say hello."
“He can go fuck himself,” I reply darkly.
Jeanne blushes a little. I can't stand it. "Oh no...don't tell me you..."
“Just once,” she answers hastily.
"Why? I thought you weren't into men."
She tucks her hair behind my ear with a smile. "He's your twin brother...besides, you shouldn't turn down something you haven't tried."
"So? Was he able to convert you?"
"Not really," she whispers, pressing her little pout to my lips. Her hands wander under my shirt over my breasts, revealing rather nice
Things on. "Not if I can have you," she whispers, about to have sex with me right here on the couch, but then decides against it.
"Let's go out and have fun. Let's not think about work and unwilling angels."
"I'm not in the mood."
Jeanne beams. "But if I tell you that VANI is on tour and playing tonight...hey, not seeing her is a sin."
She's damn right. VANI is amazing. A real electronic princess babe. She has super-fun stage props (ironing board, teacups, mime keyboard), and she has a fabulous voice.
"Okay, persuaded," I grin.
Daniel stands in the doorway, quite stunned. "What do you want here?"
His counterpart stares nervously at a crumpled piece of paper, hastily stuffs it into his pocket, takes a deep breath, and looks at him. "Hello. I want to apologize for my behavior...for punching you in the nose and interfering in things that are none of my business. I broke up with Lena, so she can do whatever she wants. I'm so sorry about everything, and I hope you'll forgive me."
Daniel shakes his head. "Did you write that down?"
Martin's cheeks flush. "Uh...yes, sort of. I thought...well, I didn't want to forget anything important and..."
"Acting like a complete idiot?" Daniel completes amusedly, whereupon Martin slumps his shoulders in dejection.
"I...I really meant it. I'm sorry."
"Okay. So now we're friends, right?"
The boy's face brightens a little. "I'd love that."
"So I'm asking you to come into my room now and we'll sit in front of the computer, watch some movies, and talk about parties and women and stuff?"
»Ahem...well...«
Daniel's eyes narrow. "Tell me, how stupid do you think I am? Which of these jerks came up with this, huh? Are they standing somewhere laughing their asses off?"
"What...what do you mean?" Martin asks uncertainly.
"Is Lena's interest also feigned?"
"I don't know. I haven't spoken to her since the party. I didn't dare because I don't know how mad at me she still is."
"Listen, Schröder...I'm sick of being treated like an idiot. That's it, now's the end of it. Tell the others and get lost," Daniel hisses angrily.
"But I wanted...I mean..." Martin stammers helplessly, and Daniel suddenly notices that the boy's eyes are shining moistly. "Sorry...I...it was probably...I'd better go."
Daniel is torn. "Wait," he calls gently, "just come in."
"Would you like something to drink?"
Martin shakes his head and nervously rubs the sleeves of his shirt between his hands. Daniel has no idea what to say or do, so he just sits down on the bed and looks at Martin. He notices how soft Martin's lips look and how much he'd like to brush those darn bangs out of his eyes. He remembers his masturbation fantasy and looks down, ashamed. He feels unbearably hot, his head starts to buzz strangely, and he's actually uncomfortable being near Martin. His insecurity confuses him. It seems less dangerous to him when Martin treats him like an idiot. It's easier when he can just hate this sweet boy. Thinking about a boy, about Martin, is terrible in certain situations, but having him in his room now...it's almost too much.
»Dani...«
His head jerks up. "Yes?"
Martin rocks back and forth uncertainly, then takes a few quick steps and crouches down in front of Daniel. "I think you're cute," he gushed, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. Before the surprised Daniel can say anything else, Martin jumps up and runs away.
Wow... I'm totally exhausted. The three days with Jeanne really wore me out, but they were incredibly fun. I think she was a little disappointed that I didn't let her have me. Normally I'd love to, I think Jeanne is great and sex with her is always pretty good... but it just didn't work out. And it's all the fault of that stupid, greedy, stubborn, enchantingly beautiful angel idiot. And I'm not really in love. I mean, I'm enthusiastic about men (sometimes women too) and I like sleeping with them, but falling in love? Nope. Not really. Now I'm walking on my own because that shining light has been missing for four days and I have no idea if I'll ever see her again.
The apartment suddenly feels so empty without my angel. Oh, my sweet angel. How I would have loved to kiss him just once. Those small, pale red lips. My goodness...now I'm hanging here, sniffing like crazy at the pillow that shining light always lay on. Deeply at odds with the world and at odds with myself, I pull all my candy stash out of the cupboard and my anti-depression video collection out from under the bed. Ladies Prefer Blondes, The Breakfast Club, Desperately Seeking Susan, Wonderboys, etc. Great...now I can't decide what to watch. I could puke. While I'm feeling so sorry for myself, a key turns in some keyhole, and shortly afterwards, the angelic visage grins at me. My heart stops.
"Hey, what's going on here? Partying alone, or what?" He carefully browses through the videos and beams. Then he puts in a cassette and nudges me. "Slide a little."
Of course. Now I get to watch DOGMA with an angel. I can't stand it!
My brain has given up. All I can do is crawl into the corner of the couch and nervously offer him rum balls. Oh well, and of course I can still love Loki and Bartleby.
Halfway through the film, I found my voice again. "Why did you come back?"
The luminous figure stretches provocatively, presenting me with a sliver of bare skin and a cute belly button. "I was hungry. Besides, your work isn't done yet. Now shut up, I want to see the movie."
I want to smash him first and then myself. You might think...watching TV together, hey, that's bound to bring you closer, you just have to cuddle. Ugh, forget it. That angel ass doesn't even think about it and I don't dare. But I would love soooo much...to cuddle with him. He looks incredibly soft. Soft and beautiful and just lovely to fall in love with. That's obviously his trick. I mean, he's an angel and they have to be beautiful. And I fall for it too. It's really hilarious!
Oh dear...Daniel looks the way I feel. Crumpled, with dark circles all the way down to his toes.
"Hey, what's going on?"
"If I knew," he mutters, shuffles into his room and falls onto the bed.
I throw myself down next to him. "So?"
"And what about you? You look like you've been crying for hours."
"Allergy," I explain. "Besides, it's not about me."
"Martin was here."
»What?«
"Yeah...he apologized and...well, he apologized."
"It's okay."
He sits up with a jerk. "Schola...he said he thinks I'm cute."
What? Has he lost his mind? How can he do something like that when I'm not there? Well, whatever...the main thing is that it's finally out there.
"And?"
"Then he kissed me...here." Daniel strokes his cheek dreamily. Oh, how sweet. Man, that was pretty quick. I wouldn't have thought Martin was capable of that.
"And then he took off. Just like that. Schola...what do I do now?"
"Well, tell him you like him too," I reply, lightly slapping him on the back of the head.
"How do you know...I mean...you can't possibly know. Nobody knows."
"It doesn't matter," I interrupt. "Tell him how you feel."
"I can't do that. I...I'm way too confused. Why is he suddenly doing this? I've been the idiot to him all this time, and...and besides, he was with Lena. This is surely all just a joke. But he was really nervous and I think he was shaking. I don't know..." he sighs. "I have to think. I have to...I don't know. It was a stupid joke, nothing more."
"And if not? I mean, think about what he's risking. You could spread the word and make fun of him."
"Or he'll tell everyone I'm a faggot."
That boys always have to use that horrible word. "Well, look at it this way... you don't really have anything to lose. Everyone already thinks you're an idiot. And if that's a joke, then you're just a gay idiot. Anyway, I strongly suggest you find out if Martin is serious about you. Or maybe you just don't like him enough?"
"No idea."
I put my index finger under his chin. "That's a lie, Daniel, huh?"
"Why can't he just continue being the asshole I only dream about? Everything's so complicated now."
"Well...now you have to do something instead of just hiding and watching everyone else. Hey, think about all the exciting things that could happen if you dare. Carpe diem, sweetheart. Grab your sweetie."
When I get home, I'm shocked. Well, not immediately. At first, I just hear strange noises. I sneak through the apartment, listening, and I'm sure the sounds are coming from my bedroom. Strange. Cautiously, I peer through the open crack in the door...
Let me be absolutely clear. I know exactly when I'm dealing with gay sex, and what's going on right in front of me is hardcore gay sex!! And I'm not talking about a little fondling under the covers...my angel is getting fucked really hard right now. Normally, I'd find this quite enjoyable, but...I feel like going crazy. How can he do something like that in MY bed? Without me??
My heart is totally broken.
"Hopefully you'll at least change the sheets afterward," I say very clearly. Two sweaty, red faces look at me in shock. No, only the angel face is shocked. The other one...
“Hi, sis,” grins my stupid twin brother Benedikt.
Okay, now it finally hits me!! And I'm furious.
"Tell me, are you crazy? How can you fuck MY angel in MY bed, huh?" I scream.
"Sorry, I didn't know it was yours."
"You...you bum. What do you even want here?"
"Actually, I wanted to see how you were doing. I missed you, and when you weren't here... uh... well," Benedikt explains, pointing to the shining light who's stupidly hiding under the covers.
"You get out of my bedroom immediately. And preferably out of my life immediately."
“Schola, don’t be so uncomfortable,” Benedikt replies casually.
I mentally go through my cutlery drawer, looking for a large knife.
"You...you goddamn ASSHOLES!!" I yell and storm into the living room.
Okay, I'm sorry about the bad word. I'm just so angry and...I hate Benedict. What a jerk. He still hasn't forgiven me for not being able to stay at his monastery one night and having to stay with me. That says it all, doesn't it?
Wearing only boxer shorts, Benedikt sits down next to me. "I really imagined our reunion would be different," he grumbles. "I thought you'd be happy."
He's so bold...it takes my breath away.
"Grab your friend and get out of here."
"Why are you so angry?"
HAHA...where do I even begin? First of all, he's landed the love of my life, who, of course, is nothing more than a good number for him. Second, he's been accusing me of this monastery sleepover story for centuries. And third, Benedict is revered to the point of insanity, while I've disappeared into obscurity. Sure, I'm just a woman. It's disgusting. The whole world is teeming with Benedictines, and where the hell are the Scholastic nuns??
"Schola," he says gently, "I really want to make up with you. I miss you."
I push away his arm, which has snaked around my shoulder. "You should have thought about that before you stuck your cock up that angel's ass. Now get out of my sight."
"Hey, I couldn't have known that he...that you...is there something going on between you?"
Haha...good joke! "Do you really think I'd discuss something like that with you? Man, I don't know you at all and I prefer to leave it at that. So, what part of "Get Out of My Life" didn't you understand?"
"You're really making it hard to love you, sis," he sighs, and I'm literally on the verge of a rampage. "Okay, can I at least get dressed?"
"You have five minutes."
He stands up and turns to me again. "Where's your hospitality gone, hmm? And what about charity?"
"If you want love...fuck your goddamn angel," I reply. "Now...get out of here."
“But I don’t know where to go,” he replies contritely.
"Sit on his back and fly to heaven."
"Can't...can't I at least stay a night or two...Schola, come on, I'm your brother after all."
I don't care about anything anyway. "Do what you want," I hiss.
Okay, heartbreak or not...I have to do my work here, otherwise I'll never have any peace.
"Hi, sweetheart."
Daniel is beaming, about as much as a hardcore decorated Christmas tree.
"What's wrong with you?" I ask, slightly disgusted. I hate seeing happy people when I'm feeling so miserable myself.
"Oh God, Schola...you won't believe what happened. It...oh wow...I'm..." He doesn't get any further because he's interrupted. By—I can't stand it—Martin. He suddenly appears behind him, throws his arms around Daniel's chest, and is beaming just as madly. They must have had mushrooms for breakfast. Uh...wait a minute...did I miss something while I was crying my eyes out because my angel would rather cuddle with my stupid brother than me?
»So...true love seems to have broken out between you, right?«
Martin and Daniel nod vigorously. How wonderful. Mission accomplished, I wish them both a wonderful life. Unfortunately, I have to watch their love story first. And their kissing. And their groping. And their giggling. And their amorous behavior. And me? I want to drop bombs.
Yes, those two really are extremely cute...with their messy hair (because they're always messing around in it), rosy cheeks, heart-shaped eyes, holding hands, and kissing...I just can't bear it right now. I just can't get the image of Benedikt fucking the shining light out of my head. Besides, I'm starting to feel like I'm being totally taken for a ride. I mean, why on earth does everyone turn out to be gay? Why does my angel like cocks, and why the hell don't I have one? Not that I'm particularly keen on being a guy, but if I could win the shining light over like that...
These two boys are just about content with themselves and apparently don't think it's particularly rude to show me their adolescent bravo-petting. Martin is half-lying on top of Daniel, whose hand is fondling Martin's stomach. I can clearly see their tongues before they kiss.
"I want a hickey," Daniel whispers so loudly that I can't miss it. "Would you like to give me one?"
Martin giggles shyly and immediately sucks hard on Daniel's neck.
I feel very lonely and walk home unnoticed. On the way there, I accidentally step in a piece of chewing gum. My mood is really low. Luckily, it wasn't dog poop.
Benedict is lounging on the couch. There's no sign of the angel.
"Hey, sis...what's that face?"
I must be totally desperate because I sit on his lap and wrap my arms around him, pouting. "Oh, Bennie... everything is so awful."
He kisses my forehead tenderly. "What all?"
"I don't know. Everyone around me is in love and happy."
"You mean your two boys?" he asks with a wink. "That's what you wanted...even if not what you should have. The angel was pretty pissed off."
"The two of them are made for each other. They've been liking each other for months. Why should I force Dani on Lena if he prefers boys?"
"I think you did the right thing, sweetie."
"You're only saying that so I'll let you continue living here," I reply, offended.
"Not at all. But if you don't mind..." he grins.
"Nobody loves me," I sniff, snuggling deeper into Benedikt's arms. Mmm...he smells like my vanilla body lotion.
"I love you."
"You don't count. We're related, after all. I mean, what's wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want me?"
"I want you," he whispers, nibbling on my ear.
Uh?
His hand, which just a moment ago was resting innocently on my knee, begins to move; it strokes my thigh and pushes up my pale blue, fluttering dress.
UH???
"Bennie...you're my brother."
"So what?" he whispers and kisses my neck.
"Honestly...that would be like fucking myself." We're twins, you know?!
"Come here, angel," he suddenly says in an irresistible fuck-me voice.
I'm scared to death and turn my head toward the door. Oh dear... there stands the luminous figure, staring at us with his mouth open. I'm sure he's about to throw on his chain mail, draw his sword, and chop us both off. But incomprehensibly, he strolls over to the couch, smiling, and sits down next to us. Uh... I'm a little confused.
"I must have disturbed you?"
A truly dirty grin appears on Benedikt's face. He places his index finger under my angel's chin. "Be nice...then you can join in."
I'M GOING CRASH!! Slowly, the angel's mouth approaches Benedikt's lips and...argh...they kiss. Oh wow, that looks hot. I instantly feel very hot. Especially when soft angel fingers gently stroke my bare thigh, Bennie's hand opens the shining light's jeans and slides inside, his other hand buries itself in my hair, and...suddenly, the three of us are making out. And that's just the beginning.
Oh man...we're all going to hell for this!!!
Two months later, I'm not in hell, but still in Berlin. My angel is gone. We had a wonderful, unfortunately far too short, affair. To be honest, we're madly in love, but as it happens, there can't be a happy ending for an angel and a saint. I'm sure the sweet guy is sitting on his cloud right now, missing me. I miss him too. Very, very much.
Benedict is somewhere in the world, but we want to stay in touch.
Things are going a little better for Daniel at school...after all, he's now friends with Lena. He and Martin are madly in love, which, of course, has to remain a secret. You can be anything these days...but still not really gay. Especially not as a teenager. No matter how many gay men appear on TV and demonstrate how great it is, they can be. Luckily, the two have a little fairy godmother who occasionally lets them use her apartment for extended cuddle sessions.
And me? I'm wandering around town looking for two new sweethearts...and a decent crimper!
AMEN