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And so I found myself standing in front of Chris's Club, a well-known gay bar. I was actually just there to pick up a few girls. Danja, I'd had my eye on her for a while.
I was sure I'd piqued her interest just the same. I was an eighteen-year-old girl's dream. I was five foot eight, extremely athletic, had cheek-length dark brown hair, and brown eyes. I admit, I was a bit vain and conceited. Still, I'd slept with almost all the pretty girls in my year. Somehow, girls seem to like assholes because that's exactly what I embodied.
And that evening, I wouldn't have done anything to pick anyone up if Eveline, my 17-year-old sister, hadn't been at that bar. My dad forced me to pick her up, otherwise he wouldn't have done anything to keep paying for my car.
I loved my Golf, midnight blue, leather seats.
Anyway, I went in cheerfully. I had no problems with gay men, quite the opposite. I found myself even hotter in their presence; after all, I looked considerably better than average. I made my way through the many anterooms to get to the dance hall. There I found Eveline and Danja, and a few other women on the dance floor. I waited at the side until the floor emptied a bit.
It took a while. As I was about to push through, I was suddenly hugged from behind.
"Hey, sweetie, all alone here?" a whisper came to my ear. I got goosebumps.
"Sorry," I said, releasing his grip. "I'm waiting for my girlfriend and I'm not into men." I turned around and saw two ice-blue eyes. They belonged to a guy about two meters tall, athletic, with short blond hair and sparkling white teeth. He was at least ten years older than me. He smiled and took a sip of beer from his bottle. "You know," he said, "I'm never wrong about that." Suddenly, he pulled me toward him and kissed me on the mouth. Just briefly. "I'll be here all evening. Just ask for Sam," he said and left. I had goosebumps again.
I was a little shocked, and my cool image was starting to crumble, so I went to the dance floor and grabbed Eveline. "Eve, we met outside ages ago, let's get out now!" I grumbled. I chased my sister and her stupid friends out of the bar and into the car.
"What's wrong, Andre? Did the gays scare you into running away like that?" Eveline asked. "No," I answered coolly. "I just have better things to do on Saturdays than drive a bunch of chickens around." Even Danja didn't interest me anymore.
"What do you mean, around the neighborhood? Just to our place. Danja, Katha, and Susi are sleeping at my place," Eveline replied. "Yeah, maybe I don't want to go home today," I replied defiantly. She remained silent for a moment, feeling superior. Until she said, "Okay, then just drop us off right now. You don't have to drive all the way into the street." At that moment, I realized I'd scored an own goal. If I did go home, it would be clear I had nothing better to do. So I formed a backup plan in my head.
I dropped Eveline and the chickens off and drove on to Thomas, my best friend. I rang the bell, and his older sister Judith answered. "Sorry Andreas," she said, "Thomas is away with our parents." "Okay," I sighed, "see you later." She must have felt sorry for me, because she was never nice to me otherwise. She said, "Hey, you look strange, what's wrong?"
Judith was three years older than Thomas and me. I don't know what possessed me, but I told her about my escape from Chris's club. "So," she began, "I always thought you were gay. Are you sure you're not?" I couldn't believe my ears. "What?!" I asked, stunned. "Be honest, what other guy would care so much about his appearance? Admit it, you look to see if you have a fat ass in pants." She didn't say it in her usual ironic tone; I could tell she meant it. "No," I replied, "I like girls. I should know." I thought it better to leave, but not without a promise that Judith wouldn't tell anyone, not even Thomas.
So I was sitting in the Golf again. I was annoyed with Judith. Suddenly, I realized she was right. I sometimes checked to see if my ass looked big, so what? Is it forbidden for a man to look good?
I started the engine and drove back to the club. I wanted to find out now; I wanted to know if men were also interested. Just a little look, nothing more. Maybe I was bisexual. Why else could I explain that girls turned me on?
My heart was pounding as I entered the dance hall again at about two o'clock.
It had just gotten a little emptier. I ordered a beer at the bar. I surreptitiously looked at the guys on the dance floor. No, there was nothing there. No guy was hitting on me in any way. I calmed down, decided to finish my drink and then go home. "Screw Eveline," I thought to myself. Suddenly, the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end as someone whispered into my neck: "Are you still here? And where's your girlfriend?" I turned around. Sam was standing in front of me, smiling again. My heart was pounding. "I'll just finish my drink and then go home," I explained. "What a shame. I was hoping you had a little more time." His smile was truly attractive, his bright blue eyes scanning me. The hairs on the back of my neck wouldn't come down. He knew his attraction; he bit his lip and looked me straight in the eyes. Then he came right up close to my ear and whispered, "I would have loved to kiss you, all over, and touch you, all over." I got goosebumps again. I felt cold and hot at the same time. Sam walked a few meters away and sat down at the bar.
I finished my drink and was about to leave, but something stopped me. Unsure of what to do, I ordered another beer. Everything and nothing raced through my head. "If I go with him, I can leave if it's not for me," and "Fuckin' with a guy once doesn't make you gay," raced through my brain.
I don't know why, but when my bottle of beer arrived, I took it and went over to Sam. "Your name isn't really Sam, is it?" I asked. He looked me straight in the eyes and replied, "Yes, I am. So where's your girlfriend?" "I'm alone here," I admitted. He smiled and clicked his tongue. "I'd like to take you up on your offer, if it still stands," I said quietly, very quietly. He had heard me. He took my hand. "Come with me," he said, taking the bottle from my hand and placing it on the counter. Then he pulled me behind him, down the stairwell. Just before the restrooms, we slipped through a door marked "Private." He noticed my hesitation. "Don't worry, I know the boss here," he said, pulling me into the next room.
Now I saw that it was a small first-aid room. He leaned down a little and kissed me, this time for a long time and with his tongue. He tasted of beer and cigarettes, his light stubble scratching my lips. "So?" he asked, "Self-discovery, or what?" I was confused. "I saw you get your girlfriend off the dance floor earlier." Sam lit a cigarette. "You mean my sister," I replied, taking the cigarette from him and taking a drag myself. I had given up smoking long ago, normally. "Have you ever been with a man?" Sam asked. He smiled again. "No. What's this about? Question time?" I asked, dropping ash on the floor. "I just want to know if you're going to run away." He laughed briefly, his gaze burning into my eyes. I kissed him gently.
Suddenly the door burst open, and a fat man was supporting a guy who appeared to be injured. "Jesus, Sam, this is a first aid room, not a sex room," the fat man yelled. "And smoking is prohibited here," the guy said, snatching the cigarette from my hand and stamping it out. "Sorry, Chris, we're going. Okay?" By "okay," he meant me. Sam gestured for me to go with him.
It was cold outside the club. "Now what?" I asked, a little helplessly. Sam put his arm around me and led me away. "Where are we going?" I asked. My heart was pounding again. "My place, unless you want us to go to your place," Sam whispered. He kissed me deeply again. "Better not," I replied, laughing.
Sam's apartment wasn't far away; he had a two-bedroom apartment in the attic of a house. The living room was incredible, all sloping ceilings, the top about five meters high. On one side was a mezzanine with a ladder. "What's up there?" I asked. Sam smiled. "The bed."
A little later, I was almost directly under the roof, and thanks to the skylight, I could see the entire sky as I nervously threw myself into bed. Sam came over with something to drink. "I brought you a beer," he said, handing me a bottle. "Thanks," I was still nervous. I took a sip, then put the bottle aside. Sam climbed onto the bed, leaned on me, and kissed me passionately. He stroked my hair, kissed my neck, and gently stroked my back. I could hardly breathe.
"Everything okay?" he asked. I nodded. Nothing had ever been as okay as it was at this very moment.
Sam grabbed my bare stomach, pushed up my T-shirt, and kissed my navel. I quickly took off the T-shirt. "I'm sitting half-naked in a gay guy's apartment," flashed through my mind. But I enjoyed it. Sam took off his own shirt, unzipped his jeans, and unbuckled my pants. He kissed me passionately again as he took off my pants. Now I was lying naked in a gay guy's apartment, incredibly aroused. Sam smiled again, as voluptuously and uniquely as ever. "I see you like it with me." I was a little embarrassed by my erection. But Sam kissed me again and again, and I forgot everything else around me.
I felt like I had to do something too, so I shyly reached for Sam's hips and pulled his pants over his butt, touching his velvety skin.
He smiled lustfully as I touched his. It was about the same size as mine and just as rock hard. Sam started jerking me off, first gently and slowly, then fast and hard. I moaned and clutched the sheets. Just before I came, he stopped. "Not so fast," he breathed. I sighed deeply. "We have time."
It started to rain, it pattered on the windows above us.
I stroked Sam; he had closed his eyes and was moaning softly. "Take it in your mouth," hissed through my head. I leaned toward Sam and lowered my head. "Stop," I heard Sam. I looked at him in surprise. "You don't have to do this, only do it if you want to," Sam implored me. "I want to, and I know I don't have to," I replied.
I took it in my mouth; the taste was a bit strange. That's probably how the girls who had sucked mine felt, too. I noticed how much Sam enjoyed it; he moaned loudly, his body trembled, his features distorted. He turned to putty in my mouth. He put his hands on the back of my head. I found it totally hot.
Soon he stopped me. "Wait, let's not end the evening yet, do we?" he asked breathlessly. He kissed me passionately again, squeezing me tightly and grabbing my butt. "I love it when men exercise," he said. I placed my hand on his muscular shoulder and replied, "Me too." I had to smile; just a few hours ago, I hadn't been interested in men exercising at all. "I'm addicted to exercise, too," I confessed.
"Oh yeah?" Sam asked, stroking my six-pack abs and thighs. "I wasn't expecting that." His tone was ironic. I laughed. "Do you need anything else? Are you hungry? Thirsty?" he asked. I shook my head. "Okay, but I am," Sam said, getting up from the bed, climbing down the ladder naked, and going into the kitchen. I remembered my beer bottle and took a sip; my mouth was a little dry.
It took a while, then Sam came back. He had two peeled oranges with him. He quickly climbed the ladder. "You really don't want to?" he offered me one. "No, let's not," I replied. He ate his oranges and then kissed me again. He tasted delicious. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of melting into him. I lay on my back and he was on top of me. His hand touched my thighs, mine his stomach. I was so aroused it almost hurt. Sam kissed my neck, my chest, my stomach, sliding further and further down between my legs. Then he reached to the side and took a condom and a tube. I was immediately scared. Sam noticed. "Don't panic, I'll be very careful and explain my every move to you, okay?" His gaze was warm, his smile totally horny again. "Okay," I sighed. "Relax," Sam said. Then he began to explain his actions. "First, I'll pull the condom over, then I'll put your legs on my shoulders, then I'll kiss you wildly." The kiss was wild and greedy. "This is lube, it'll be cold when it touches you." It touched me, it was really cold, but it was a nice feeling. "Now, I'll push it in." And he did. I felt pressure and wanted to move upwards, but Sam held me tight. The pain brought tears to my eyes, and I gasped. Sam didn't move. "This hurts so much," I complained. Sam kissed me, looking deep into my eyes. "Just the first time. You have to relax a bit, then it will get better." I tried, relaxed a bit, and Sam started moving inside me. I felt like I was in heaven.
Hours passed, and as the sky brightened, I got dressed to leave. "I have to go; I have a game today," I explained. Sam smiled tiredly. "Soccer?" he asked. I shook my head. "Handball." He grinned. "Hey, I play handball too." I smiled at him, but I didn't believe him.
When I got home, my father was already awake. He was standing in the kitchen packing his fishing tackle box. "So, did you have a long night?" he grinned. "I was at Thomas's, playing PlayStation," I lied. "Sure," he laughed, "And that's from Thomas too?!" He pointed at my neck. Suddenly, I remembered the hickey Sam had given me when I arrived. I immediately put his hand on my neck. My father laughed to himself. "I'm going fishing," he said. "Would you like to come with me?" I used to go fishing with my father a lot; I even had a fishing license. But today, standing by the lake for hours didn't appeal to me. Besides, I was afraid he'd question me. "No, I wanted to get some more sleep. Besides, we have a game against Group B today," I replied. He seemed satisfied.
I lay down in bed and looked at my watch. It was six o'clock. I curled up and slept until ten. When the alarm went off, I felt completely overwhelmed.
I crawled out of bed, got dressed, and went to the bathroom. I took a shower there. I was completely shocked when I saw the huge hickey on my neck. It was the biggest I'd ever seen. Once I felt somewhat fresh and clean, I got dressed and went to the kitchen. I needed a coffee.
Eveline was sitting in the kitchen with her friends. "Morning, ladies," I said, charming as always. I noticed the coffee pot was already empty and made myself an instant coffee. "You look like a freshly fucked squirrel," Eveline remarked. "Oh yeah?" I asked. "When, please, have you ever seen a squirrel?" Eve's friends laughed.
I took my coffee back to my room. I could hardly wait to finally move out after graduating from high school. I sat down at the computer, checked my emails, and noticed that Thomas was online on ICQ. I sent him a >Hello<. I got a >Hello too, Thomas isn't here< back. I realized that Jenny, Thomas' girlfriend, was using his nickname. I wrote back >Okay< and went offline again. Jenny had been his girlfriend for two years, and I actually found her nice and funny. Sometimes she annoyed me with her talk about how I couldn't get involved with anyone, blah blah. She was completely wrong. I could get involved with someone if I wanted to. I just didn't.
I packed my gym bag and checked to see if my dark circles were gone. They were gone, and I thought I looked great again. Then I drove to Thomas's to pick him up for the game.
Judith opened the door for me again. "Hello," I said. "Hello," she replied grumpily and disappeared again. That's how I knew her. I went upstairs. Upstairs, Thomas zipped through the hallway, gathering his things. "You're never ready when I get here," I scolded him. He grinned at me. "Sit down, it can only be a matter of hours." I went into his room. Jenny was still sitting in front of the computer. "Hi, don't tell me we have to drop you off at home too," I grumbled. Jenny shook her head and said she had to write something for her report book. Then she noticed the hickey on my neck. "What's that?" she asked. "What was her name?" "Sarah," I lied. "Sarah?" she asked. I remembered we had a Sarah in our circle of friends; she wasn't bad-looking. I smiled. Jenny took that as a yes. "Let me guess, we got banged and left again, like you always do," she grinned. "That," I said, "is none of your business." Jenny grinned knowingly. "I thought so, you're too cowardly, I think," she began. "Here we go again," Thomas grumbled as he came into the room. "As far as I'm concerned, let's go," he said, giving Jenny a goodbye kiss.
"Judith said you were here last night," Thomas began as we sat in the car. "Yeah, I was having a crisis," I replied. "Everything okay now?" Thomas asked. He was my best friend, always stood by me, even when I was still fat and had last-minute plans to throw up after dinner. He talked me out of it. "I think so," I replied. He was the only one who didn't just see my cool side. "I slept with a man last night," I confessed. "Finally," he sighed. He wasn't at all surprised. I, on the other hand, was very surprised. He noticed and grinned at me. "Do you think I don't notice that you're gay? I'm your best friend." He laughed a little. "I'm not gay," I replied. His laughter died down. "Then I'm bi, it doesn't matter." He had such a matter-of-fact way of looking at things. I was speechless for a while. "Until yesterday," I began, "I was never attracted to guys. What makes you think I might be gay?" Thomas grinned. He always had a crooked grin, his black hair falling into his eyes. He pushed it aside and said, "I know you well, I kind of suspected it. Until you were sixteen, you never had a childhood sweetheart or anything like that. When girls started to get attracted to you, you snagged them, but never talked about what you liked about them. You never spent more than a quickie with them. I just don't think women are for you." I was thunderstruck. I forgot how to shift gears, my Golf was crying. "Yesterday was just a shag. I'm not into relationships. I just gave it a try," I explained. "It's okay, how did you like it?" he asked. I hesitated, "It was nice, but different. The guy had a cool apartment," I finally answered. "Apartment, so he was older than us?" Thomas asked. I grinned, "I don't know, thirty or so." Thomas and I laughed. Soon we were at the gym. The rest of our team had already disappeared into the locker rooms. We played on a mixed team.
Our coach, Anne, was already pacing the sidelines. She was 26, and I thought she was hot. Today was just a trial, but she was at her best. During the game, she screamed and raged at her line as usual. But she didn't just yell at us for what we were doing wrong; she also occasionally shouted "Well done!" into the field. She was a tough girl in training, but we all liked her because she could be quite nice, too. When we were winning.
After the game, we won, and we went out to celebrate as usual. Because the weather was nice, we went to an ice cream parlor. I was exhausted and tired, so Thomas and I didn't stay long.
For a few weeks, everything went as usual. Graduation was getting closer and closer, and the weather remained nice. I was meticulous about spending a lot of time in the sun, always applying sunscreen to protect myself from the risk of sunburn. My parents wouldn't let me leave my weight bench in the yard, so I dragged it out, worked out in the sun, then dragged it back in. I had a fantastic tan. Yes, I'm vain.
It was Thursday, handball training day, when my cell phone rang at noon. It was Thomas. "Hi, have you heard yet?" he asked. "No," I said, "what?" "Anne broke her foot. Jenny just told me. She slipped at work this morning," he reported. "Then I couldn't have heard it," I grumbled. Anne worked at a bank, and Jenny was doing her apprenticeship there. "Now we don't have a coach, and we have a big tournament in three weeks," I complained. I immediately considered visiting Anne to get to know her better. "I don't know, maybe she knows a substitute coach. I suggest we meet at the gym this evening, let's see," Thomas suggested. Sounded reasonable to me.
The whole team was standing in front of the gym that evening, ready for training. Anne, or the substitute, was already ten minutes late. I was afraid there wasn't a substitute at all. But then someone rode up on a bicycle. "Sorry, I'm late," said the blond guy. I was speechless. "Anne said I should fill in for her. I'm Sam," he grinned. I felt sick. I was in shock. "Jenny already said he'll probably take over. He's a customer service representative, a good friend of Anne's," whispered Thomas.
When we were all gathered and dressed in the hall, Sam first asked if we lived more than ten kilometers away. Most of us said no. "Then the people who said no will come by bike next time instead of by car. That way you'll already be warm, saving the environment and your gas tank. Nobody's here by bike, even though the weather is so great," he grumbled. Then he grabbed some tape he'd brought with him. Everyone got a large piece, wrote their name on it, and stuck it legibly on their T-shirt. I could see in Sam's eyes that he recognized me. I wrote Andreas on my T-shirt. We warmed up and then practiced moves. At the end, we played a practice game in which we had to implement the moves. I actually thought I was doing quite well, but Sam called out to Andi a few times from the side. When I didn't feel like it was him, he called out loudly, "Hey Andreas." I turned to him. "Don't you go by Andi for short? Or why are you ignoring me?" he asked. "No, I go by Andre for short. Andrea goes by Andi, I thought you meant her," I said, pointing at Andrea. She grinned, and so did Sam. "Okay, Andre," he sighed. "Handball is a team sport, you can pass the ball more often." I nodded, the team laughed, Anne always told me that, too.
Thomas and I didn't shower after training; we changed right away. So we were the first ones at the exit. Sam was sitting on a bench next to the door; he had to let us out because the door always had to be locked. "Aren't you guys showering?" he asked. "No, we're just driving to the lake anyway," Thomas replied. "Like you said, with such great weather," I grinned. "And you?" Thomas asked, "Why aren't you showering?" Sam grinned; I still found him attractive. "I'll shower when you're all gone. Then I don't have to rush." He let us out.
In the car, I told Thomas about Sam. He didn't believe me. "He didn't seem that gay," he said, but then he added, "Is that why he doesn't shower?" That made sense.
Now I saw Sam twice a week, at training and at friendly matches, and I developed a crush on someone for the first time. He was great, I wished he would stay as our coach. Thomas noticed my feelings and sometimes teased me about it. I had the feeling Sam noticed it too, but he didn't let it show.
"You have to get closer to him," said Thomas. We were sitting in front of the school, and I watched him smoke. "How the hell?" I asked. My friend thought for a moment. "Savings account," he finally said. "What?" I didn't understand. "You go to the bank and open a savings account. Then you go into an adjoining room with a customer service representative," he nodded at me, "and discuss everything." I shook my head. "Great plan," I grumbled. "What if I get another customer service representative? He's not the only one." Thomas laughed. "As you know, I sleep with a bank clerk. She can set up the appointment if I ask her."
And so, on Tuesday afternoon, I stood in Jenny's bank, waiting for my customer service representative. I gave Jenny a quick wave. Anne was still on sick leave, but that didn't stop her from attending the training session on crutches.
Sam looked stunning in the gray suit he was wearing. "Are you my appointment?" he asked. I nodded. He took a deep breath and said, "Follow me then." I followed him into the next room. When he closed the door behind us, he unbuttoned his jacket and sat down. "What can I do for you?" he asked. "The suit suits you well," I replied. He looked me in the eye. "Is there anything else I can do for you?" he asked. His voice sounded cold. It stung. "A savings account," I stammered. "I wanted to open a savings account." Sam nodded, typing on the computer. "Okay, do you have an account here?" he asked.
When I left the bank, I was a savings account richer, but I hadn't gotten anywhere with Sam. I was desperate. I tried to reach Thomas, but that didn't work either. I felt terrible. I went home as quickly as possible to my weight bench.
At training on Thursday, Sam was as always: nice and funny. And, of course, beautiful and attractive. I was at my wits' end. I hadn't been able to eat anything all day because I was so excited to see him, which was now affecting my fitness. I bravely tried not to let it show, but I soon felt really awful. "Andre, you look like crap, are you okay?" Thomas asked quietly. I nodded, but really, nothing was clear anymore. The warm-up before the game practically wiped me out. I could still feel myself breaking out in a sweat and slowing down.
I found myself in a black, warm void. Everything was new and strange. I looked around once, and suddenly wondered how I'd gotten there, I opened my eyes again and found myself lying in the gym. Surrounded by my team. "Hey, what the hell are you doing?" Thomas asked. "I'm fine," I replied, trying to get up. "No way," Sam said, pushing my upper body back down to the floor. I was lying flat again. "Here," he handed me some glucose. "The rest of you can keep running," he ordered. "Does anything hurt?" he asked. "My shoulder a little," I replied. "No wonder," he grinned. "You fell right on it. I've never seen anyone fall with so much momentum." "I still have momentum," I sighed. I was cold. The sweat had soaked through my clothes. After a few minutes, I was allowed to stand up. I crept to the bench. There sat Anne, who had crawled down the stairs on her crutches to check on me after I collapsed.
She stroked my back comfortingly and asked me what I thought was wrong. "I didn't have any lunch," I replied tiredly. "Without fuel, the engine won't run," Sam chimed in, not without giving me a reproachful look. I felt like throwing up. When training was over, I was glad Thomas had changed quickly. I just changed my shoes.
"Thomas, can you drive Andreas?" Sam asked him. "I can, but are you allowed to?!" Thomas replied. "Why?" Sam asked. "Six weeks of driving license lost. I was going too fast." Thomas looked at me with a grin. "Besides, I'm not allowed to drive his Golf." I nudged him. "You're wrecking it."
"Andre, you can't drive anyway, you're still deathly pale," Anne determined.
Sam took a deep breath. "I'll take you if I can drive your car." I hesitated. "He won't have any other choice," Thomas decided. "I'll take a stroll through town today, it's not that far." With that, my best friend just left me standing there! I cursed him.
Sam put his bike in the trunk and then got in. "Your car is nice," he said. I was silent. "Reminds me of my first car, it was also a Golf. Not as polished," he continued. I wanted to jump at his neck. To kiss him, to touch him. "I'm so proud," I managed to say instead, tonelessly. "If there's one thing I hate," Sam began, "it's having to be a passenger in my car. How are you feeling about that?" "So-so, but my car also has five gears," I admonished. Sam laughed and shifted. "I'm afraid we need to talk," I gathered my courage. The laughter stopped. "Sam, I'm in love with you," I admitted. He sighed, "I thought so." He didn't say anything else for a while. I steered him in the right direction. "Not me," he finally said tonelessly, once he'd parked my car. I felt a lump in my throat. "I'm not in love, sorry," he looked blankly at my dashboard. "But," I began, trying not to burst into tears. "Don't you like me?" He didn't look at me. "Nonsense, the fault isn't yours, if there is a fault. But I'm not a relationship person. Besides, the age difference is too big." He got out and took his bike out of the trunk. I stayed seated, fighting back tears. Sam stood outside for a moment, undecided, but then got back in.
"The age difference doesn't bother me," I pleaded. He looked at me. "Andre, it wouldn't work between us. Even if I didn't care about the age difference, your parents certainly wouldn't, and the club. When the coach talks to that young man, all that talk, you understand?" "My parents are tolerant," I tried, crying. "Don't I mean anything to you?" Sam looked at me sympathetically. "I like you. You're a really great guy, but it's not going to work. Your parents might normally be tolerant, but what if you come home with a guy who's ten years older than you? That's where tolerance ends! I'm not the right one for you. I'm moody, unreliable, and cheat on you. I'm by far the worst thing for you." He got out again. "Take care, and eat right on Sunday." He closed the car door. I could still see him in the rearview mirror for a while.
Only when I was sure I no longer looked tearful did I get out, lock the car and go into the house.
I crept into my room and stayed there for almost a week. I didn't go to school or anywhere else, didn't go to practice, and definitely didn't go to handball. I lay in bed the whole time. On Thursday afternoon, there was a knock at my door. "Get out of here!" I shouted. Then Thomas's voice rang out, "Open up or I'll smoke you out." I opened it. "Did you break your fingers so you can't call?" he asked mockingly, ripping open the blinds. "Leave me alone," I grumbled. "I'm upset." "Oh," Thomas said ironically. "That's your excuse? Everyone gets heartbroken sometimes. Do you think everyone quits work? Get up now, your self-pity is pissing me off!" He was really angry. "You don't understand, I told him. But he doesn't want me," I moaned. "Man, I believe it too. Either you get up right now or I'm gone," he looked at me piercingly. "Just find someone else." I sighed. And stood up.
Thomas dragged me to training that evening. Sam was as always, and looked great as always. I was absolutely pissed off. After training, Anne called us all together again. "We usually meet at the Klause on Saturdays, but I suggest we meet at Andre's instead, because it's his birthday." The team agreed. "Okay," I said. I cursed the day.
On Friday night, I was standing in Chris's club. I had taken Thomas's advice and was now looking around for another one. I'd been standing at the bar for about an hour, and Sam was nowhere to be seen. Still, I couldn't find any guy I liked. I wondered if I was really gay or bi. Suddenly, a good-looking, dark-haired guy caught my eye. Not that I liked him, he just had a big hickey on his neck. Sam crept back into my head. Had the guy slept with him, I wondered. I drank another beer. Then another.
Then Sam finally appeared on the dance floor, looking great as always. He was with a pretty girl in her mid-twenties. The two of them danced. I was seething with jealousy. Was he bisexual? Was that why he didn't want me, was this his girlfriend? I drank another beer. And another. I drank too much.
At some point I was really drunk. I staggered away from the bar. I felt sick. Everything was spinning. Suddenly two huge guys came and escorted me outside. I wasn't sick anymore. I must have thrown up. I stood around outside for a moment, trying to collect myself. A guy came up to me and gave me a quick hug. Before I realized he was hugging me, he let go. Must have made a mistake, I thought, and sat down on the step. Someone ran past me, I heard wild honking. I couldn't see through it anymore. I lay down on the sidewalk, curled up and fell asleep.
When I woke up, I felt nauseous. I leaned to the side and, thank God, found a bucket. After a few minutes, I was able to look around. I wasn't home. I was lying on a sofa. I recognized Sam's apartment. I closed my eyes again. Everything was spinning again. I blinked. "So you're still alive," I heard Sam's deep voice. It was pounding in my head. "Something," I managed to utter in pain. "I've put some tea and broth out for you. You have to check if it's still warm enough," he said, more quietly now.
It took me a while to get my head around it. I tried the tea. I gave the broth a wide berth. Sam was in the kitchen. I wondered what time it was and how I got onto Sam's sofa. Suddenly, the pretty girl came through the door. She was wearing pajamas. I feared a heart attack. "Hi," she said. "Andreas, right? Are you feeling better?" I nodded and had to grin, "I'm just completely blacked out." She laughed. "Really? You don't remember anything, even though your..." She trailed off because Sam came through the door and put a finger to his lips. "What?" I asked. "Later, you need to get your head around it first," Sam replied. "I'm fine, what happened?" I tried to find out. "I'll tell you when you've finished the broth and can sit up straight," Sam promised. I drank the disgusting broth as quickly as I could. Sitting down didn't work right away, but eventually I managed to do it without feeling dizzy. The girl had introduced herself as Susan. "What happened?" I asked. Sam sighed, "Your car almost got stolen yesterday. I think you gave your keys to some guy." I shook my head; I'd never done that. Sam continued, "We saw you being escorted out. Then we followed you. And outside the door, I saw the guy walking away from you. Only when I saw him sitting in the car with his friends, about to drive off, did I realize something was wrong. I ran over and pulled him out of the car." Susan continued, "The guys took off. Your car's fine overall, just a few scratches." I gasped. "Just?" I asked. I tried to get up, but nothing worked. I was spinning. I looked for my shoes. "I'll find them and kill them," I growled. Susan hugged me. "The police were powerless too. Hey, it could be worse," she tried to comfort me. I was about to lose it. Susan continued, "We brought you here, then, and you lay on the sidewalk and slept." "Okay," I said almost tonelessly, "Thanks for that. I have to go now." Sam sat silently on the chair. He looked down; I could see his jaw muscles working. I put on my shoes and left the apartment. Susan followed me. "I need some cigarettes. Do you mind if I accompany you?" she asked. I shook my head.
"Sam likes you," she began. "Sure," I replied angrily. "He fucked me, that's all." I expected horror to appear on Susan's face. But she said, "I know." I was genuinely pissed off. "You're in a pretty messed-up relationship, if that doesn't bother you." "We don't," she defended herself. "He's my brother." I swallowed dryly. After a while of silence, I said, "Sorry, I thought you were his girlfriend." We started walking.
"He talks about you all the time," Susan started again. "So why's he making me feel like this? He says he doesn't want a relationship, he says he's cheating," I explained. "He's scared. His last boyfriend was an asshole. It took forever for him to break up. Henk cheated on him; he was so broken up so many times," she rolled her eyes. "Now he doesn't dare let anyone get close to him. I know him, he's faithful." She lit a cigarette, I took it from her, and took a drag. "He's torturing me," I sighed. "He's not doing this on purpose. He has no other topic to talk about except you. He thinks you're too young for him, that you'll soon find someone else," she said. "He's not giving me a chance. I'd give it a try," I said. Susan said goodbye and headed toward the ATM. I arrived at the parking lot. My car was parked there, lonely and alone. My heart pounded as I approached my sweetheart. The scratches on the door were really nasty and large. I sighed and stroked the scratches. "My poor thing," I said. I hated that hugging jerk.
At home, my parents were in the kitchen. I went over to them. They were congratulating me on my birthday, but I'd already forgotten. "Where's Eve?" I asked. "She's still with Danja," my mother replied. "I need to talk to you," I began. My parents were sitting at the table, eating lunch. "Go ahead," my mother demanded. "I've fallen in love with a man." The corners of my mother's mouth twitched, and she put the cutlery down. My father bit his lower lip. They were both silent. I was undecided. "I don't know. Maybe I'm bisexual, I don't know. But when I'm with him, everything feels so right." My mother suddenly snapped, "But it's wrong and you know it." I didn't know what to say. "We've always tried to do everything right, and what are you doing to us?" she asked. My father now intervened. "He doesn't do anything to me!" he reprimanded my mother. "And it seems to be over with you. The boy doesn't need to feel guilty. He doesn't even know anything himself." My mother looked at me helplessly. "I can't change it," I whispered, actually feeling guilty. "No, but it's good that you told us," my father stood up and hugged me. My mother avoided looking at me. "Give her some time," my father implored me. I nodded and left the kitchen. I showered, changed, and went shopping. I had to have something tonight.
I prepared our garden for a celebration. Thomas came by that afternoon and helped me. I told him about Susan. He was optimistic: "Just get on with it," he advised. "He'll give in eventually." I didn't really believe that.
Especially not when he didn't show up. The whole team trickled in one after the other, except for Sam. Anne said she hadn't been able to reach Sam. I tried not to let it spoil my mood; everyone was in a good mood. The garden was full of people. It was already late and some of the people had already left; actually, only my good friends were still there. So I explained, "I already told my parents today, I've fallen in love with a man." Thomas grinned. Anne asked, "Really?" I nodded. "Intense, so you're gay?" Jenny asked. I shrugged, "I don't know, maybe I'm bi. Anyway, I wasn't interested in guys before." I finished my last sip of beer. Immediately, everyone asked who I was in love with. But I didn't say; I claimed they couldn't possibly know him.
My beer was empty, so I went into the shed to get a couple of new bottles. My gaze happened to fall on the driveway where my car was parked. Someone was sitting on the hood. I put the bottles on the ground and walked over to him. Sam sat silently, looking up at the sky. "Sorry, I made those scratches in your door trying to pull the guy out," he explained. Not knowing what to do, I put my hands in my pockets. "It doesn't matter, better a car with a scratch than no car at all," I said. Sam continued to look up at the sky. "Want a drink?" I asked. He shook his head. I watched him silently for a moment. Then I said, "We'll be out back in the garden if you want." He interrupted me.
"Is it true? You told your parents?" he asked. He was still looking up at the stars. "Yes, I'm in love," I replied. "I don't understand why," he looked at me for the first time. His eyes lit up a little. "I treated you like an ass. I acted like a macho, and yet you're so in love with me that you even came out." He took a deep breath. "Nothing can be done about it," I said, shrugging. Sam slid off the hood and stood in front of me. "I'm almost ten years older than you. I'm a liar. I've had more guys in the last year than can fit on a bus. I can be so obnoxious. What do you do to yourself for?" he asked desperately. I stepped closer to him, looked deep into his beautiful eyes, and whispered, "For this." And then I kissed him gently. He returned my kiss. When we stopped, Sam whispered, "And you don't mind that I'm 28?" I shook my head. Sam smiled. "Promise you'll be faithful." He leaned his forehead against mine. "I promise," I breathed. Sam kissed me again. "Happy birthday." He looked at his watch and grinned. "Belated." He was so sweet. "Shall we go see the others now?" I asked. Sam nodded. He took my hand, and we walked into the garden.