2025-07-18, 06:48 PM
As I sat in my study, I glanced down at the clock on my desk. Only thirty minutes to the time I’d been dreading.
I should’ve expected that this time would come and planned a response, but somehow I’d managed to ignore for a year the possible consequences of my youngest son’s announcement. Had I just been naïve, or had I been purposely avoiding the issue?
It took me months to understand what Will had meant when he told me that he’s gay. I had hidden from the topic of sexual orientation for a long time before I was dragged, kicking and screaming, into the twentieth century. I finally accepted that Will isn’t ever going to bring a girlfriend home to meet his parents, and it’s obvious to me now that I should have taken it that one step further, but I didn’t. Maybe everyone else thought I had and didn’t mention it. Now I was about to be dragged into the twenty-first century when I’d only just got used to the twentieth.
The evening before, at our weekly family dinner with Scott, Ivy and their partners visiting, Will dropped his bombshell. My wife and the rest of the family seemed to take it in their stride, but I just shrank back inside the shell that I had built when I had first learnt that my son is gay. Stupidly, even childishly, I had hoped the problem would just go away. It didn’t. In half an hour it was going to happen.
What would I do, what should I say, when Will brought his boyfriend home to meet his parents?
With Scott it had been easy. I understand what it means to bring a girlfriend home, so I knew what I had to look for before I gave him a smile of encouragement, or a frown of disapproval. It wasn’t just appearance, though that was part of it. It was watching for the look of pride on Scott’s face, and the smile of joy on his girl’s. It was making sure that it wasn’t simply lust — that there was a stronger bond than that. I expected him to be having sex and had drilled into him the consequences of not using protection to prevent a pregnancy. Sex is fine, but if that is all there is to the relationship, it’s doomed before it starts. There has to be something outside of the bedroom, or the couple are just two individuals selfishly relieving themselves of tension. Love goes a lot further than sex. It starts when you care more for your partner than for yourself.
Even with Ivy, I knew what to watch out for. Did her boyfriend show her the tender care that she deserved? Was he taking her for granted, or did he show that he was prepared to listen and try to understand her needs? Knowing the look of the predatory male from that time of my own life, I guarded my daughter as best I could, without trying to smother her. Educating her on the danger signs was hard, as she has a stubborn streak as big as mine. To her credit, she, more than anyone else, made me face up to the truth about Will. I’m not sure, but I think she also did some re-educating of her current boyfriend. Leo has always struck me as the strong, masculine type who refuses to suffer any nonsense from anyone. If it weren’t for the way he showed how much he wanted to protect my little angel, I would have taken him as a sexual predator who was just after another notch on his gun. He was cool towards Will at first, but under Ivy’s stern eye he quickly warmed to him and would even take him to the occasional football game.
Scott’s and Ivy’s situations were not the same as Will’s. I was avoiding the current issue, again, by thinking of Scott and Ivy. I just didn’t know how to react!
What does a forty-six-year-old father of three say when he’s introduced to the boyfriend of his seventeen-year-old son? What should he look for, and what questions should he ask?
The evening before, Will had been so effervescent about this boy of his. I know he had been through a period of depression when he thought he’d never find a boyfriend, but now he’s as high as a kite. It’s obvious he’s in love. It’s also clear that while he’s that ecstatic, he won’t be able to see any flaws in his beau. That’s my job, but I don’t know how to do it!
Despite my resistance, I’ve learnt a lot over the last few months on how hard it can be for a gay young man to find a partner. Unless the other guy is openly gay as well, Will runs the risk of abuse, or even assault, each time he tries to approach someone. One night, while my wife was out visiting a friend, Ivy had ordered me to go see my youngest son. Every bit of her demeanour showed me how serious she was. She was the spitting image of her mother as she conveyed the depth of her concern with just a look. There is little physical similarity between them, but that night Ivy showed me how much her mother has moulded her personality.
I went into Will’s room to find him lying face down on his bed, sobbing helplessly into his pillow. As I sat down on the side of the bed and placed a hand on his shoulder, a shudder ran the length of his body.
“Why can’t I find someone to love?” His cry was muffled by the pillow but still filled with anguish.
Over the next hour, I slowly learnt about the emotional pain that he had endured that day. Over the previous few days, he had been opening up to one of the other boys at school. Just as he was about to ask the boy out, he found out that the target of his affections had fallen in love with one of the cheerleaders. He had been sure the boy was gay, but he had been sadly mistaken. At least he was spared the humiliation of finding out after telling the boy how he felt.
I made the mistake of using the tired old platitude of there being plenty of other fish in the sea, causing him to roll over and let loose a tidal wave of anger, fuelled by frustration and pain. He left me in no doubt as to how unfair that saying was to him. Unless I could tell him how he could find those “fish” amongst all the straight guys out in the ocean, I had better learn to keep my big trap shut and out of his business.
That incident really made me start to think about what life would be like for my little boy.
How can he find someone to spend his life with when he can’t tell who is gay and who is straight? Will comes over as completely straight. That’s one of the reasons that I was thrown so completely when he came out to us. I was in denial for so long because of that, that I hadn’t given him as much support as he needed. If I had been thinking, I wouldn’t have said what I said that night. But thinking of what life is like for my gay son is something I’m still not good at.
Seeing him lying devastated on his bed, and then having him attack me with such venom for being blasé about finding someone else, I just subconsciously concluded that he would remain single.
Even when he started to brighten up and show spontaneous bursts of joy in recent weeks, it never occurred to me what the real reason was.
Until yesterday, when he made it all so clear.
As I sat there slowly swinging the swivel chair from side to side, my eyes remained fixed on a picture at the side of the desk. A picture of happy times.
It had been taken a couple of months before Will told us he’s gay. He’s never confirmed it, but I believe the happiness that the picture exudes is part of the reason he came out to us when he did. In it, Will and his best friend Eric are standing, laughing, arms across each other’s shoulders. It was taken just after they had won a race at the local carnival while our families were on holidays together.
Eric and Will had been inseparable for years. As much because of them as for any other reason, our families always shared our holidays. To the two boys, they had two families and two houses, which they used interchangeably.
One month later, Eric and his family were gone. His mother had taken a promotion at work that required her to move to the west. The opportunity was too good to pass up. It may have been a mistake, but we didn’t tell the boys until after the end of the holiday. The fights that followed were memorable. Neither set of parents could blame the boys for their reactions, but they had to accept that life did not revolve around their wishes. We tried to find a compromise that would allow them to stay together — I even went to the extent of exploring the option of transferring out west myself — but we failed.
Four weeks later, after moping around like a lost soul, Will announced to the family that he’s gay.
I should’ve expected that this time would come and planned a response, but somehow I’d managed to ignore for a year the possible consequences of my youngest son’s announcement. Had I just been naïve, or had I been purposely avoiding the issue?
It took me months to understand what Will had meant when he told me that he’s gay. I had hidden from the topic of sexual orientation for a long time before I was dragged, kicking and screaming, into the twentieth century. I finally accepted that Will isn’t ever going to bring a girlfriend home to meet his parents, and it’s obvious to me now that I should have taken it that one step further, but I didn’t. Maybe everyone else thought I had and didn’t mention it. Now I was about to be dragged into the twenty-first century when I’d only just got used to the twentieth.
The evening before, at our weekly family dinner with Scott, Ivy and their partners visiting, Will dropped his bombshell. My wife and the rest of the family seemed to take it in their stride, but I just shrank back inside the shell that I had built when I had first learnt that my son is gay. Stupidly, even childishly, I had hoped the problem would just go away. It didn’t. In half an hour it was going to happen.
What would I do, what should I say, when Will brought his boyfriend home to meet his parents?
With Scott it had been easy. I understand what it means to bring a girlfriend home, so I knew what I had to look for before I gave him a smile of encouragement, or a frown of disapproval. It wasn’t just appearance, though that was part of it. It was watching for the look of pride on Scott’s face, and the smile of joy on his girl’s. It was making sure that it wasn’t simply lust — that there was a stronger bond than that. I expected him to be having sex and had drilled into him the consequences of not using protection to prevent a pregnancy. Sex is fine, but if that is all there is to the relationship, it’s doomed before it starts. There has to be something outside of the bedroom, or the couple are just two individuals selfishly relieving themselves of tension. Love goes a lot further than sex. It starts when you care more for your partner than for yourself.
Even with Ivy, I knew what to watch out for. Did her boyfriend show her the tender care that she deserved? Was he taking her for granted, or did he show that he was prepared to listen and try to understand her needs? Knowing the look of the predatory male from that time of my own life, I guarded my daughter as best I could, without trying to smother her. Educating her on the danger signs was hard, as she has a stubborn streak as big as mine. To her credit, she, more than anyone else, made me face up to the truth about Will. I’m not sure, but I think she also did some re-educating of her current boyfriend. Leo has always struck me as the strong, masculine type who refuses to suffer any nonsense from anyone. If it weren’t for the way he showed how much he wanted to protect my little angel, I would have taken him as a sexual predator who was just after another notch on his gun. He was cool towards Will at first, but under Ivy’s stern eye he quickly warmed to him and would even take him to the occasional football game.
Scott’s and Ivy’s situations were not the same as Will’s. I was avoiding the current issue, again, by thinking of Scott and Ivy. I just didn’t know how to react!
What does a forty-six-year-old father of three say when he’s introduced to the boyfriend of his seventeen-year-old son? What should he look for, and what questions should he ask?
The evening before, Will had been so effervescent about this boy of his. I know he had been through a period of depression when he thought he’d never find a boyfriend, but now he’s as high as a kite. It’s obvious he’s in love. It’s also clear that while he’s that ecstatic, he won’t be able to see any flaws in his beau. That’s my job, but I don’t know how to do it!
Despite my resistance, I’ve learnt a lot over the last few months on how hard it can be for a gay young man to find a partner. Unless the other guy is openly gay as well, Will runs the risk of abuse, or even assault, each time he tries to approach someone. One night, while my wife was out visiting a friend, Ivy had ordered me to go see my youngest son. Every bit of her demeanour showed me how serious she was. She was the spitting image of her mother as she conveyed the depth of her concern with just a look. There is little physical similarity between them, but that night Ivy showed me how much her mother has moulded her personality.
I went into Will’s room to find him lying face down on his bed, sobbing helplessly into his pillow. As I sat down on the side of the bed and placed a hand on his shoulder, a shudder ran the length of his body.
“Why can’t I find someone to love?” His cry was muffled by the pillow but still filled with anguish.
Over the next hour, I slowly learnt about the emotional pain that he had endured that day. Over the previous few days, he had been opening up to one of the other boys at school. Just as he was about to ask the boy out, he found out that the target of his affections had fallen in love with one of the cheerleaders. He had been sure the boy was gay, but he had been sadly mistaken. At least he was spared the humiliation of finding out after telling the boy how he felt.
I made the mistake of using the tired old platitude of there being plenty of other fish in the sea, causing him to roll over and let loose a tidal wave of anger, fuelled by frustration and pain. He left me in no doubt as to how unfair that saying was to him. Unless I could tell him how he could find those “fish” amongst all the straight guys out in the ocean, I had better learn to keep my big trap shut and out of his business.
That incident really made me start to think about what life would be like for my little boy.
How can he find someone to spend his life with when he can’t tell who is gay and who is straight? Will comes over as completely straight. That’s one of the reasons that I was thrown so completely when he came out to us. I was in denial for so long because of that, that I hadn’t given him as much support as he needed. If I had been thinking, I wouldn’t have said what I said that night. But thinking of what life is like for my gay son is something I’m still not good at.
Seeing him lying devastated on his bed, and then having him attack me with such venom for being blasé about finding someone else, I just subconsciously concluded that he would remain single.
Even when he started to brighten up and show spontaneous bursts of joy in recent weeks, it never occurred to me what the real reason was.
Until yesterday, when he made it all so clear.
As I sat there slowly swinging the swivel chair from side to side, my eyes remained fixed on a picture at the side of the desk. A picture of happy times.
It had been taken a couple of months before Will told us he’s gay. He’s never confirmed it, but I believe the happiness that the picture exudes is part of the reason he came out to us when he did. In it, Will and his best friend Eric are standing, laughing, arms across each other’s shoulders. It was taken just after they had won a race at the local carnival while our families were on holidays together.
Eric and Will had been inseparable for years. As much because of them as for any other reason, our families always shared our holidays. To the two boys, they had two families and two houses, which they used interchangeably.
One month later, Eric and his family were gone. His mother had taken a promotion at work that required her to move to the west. The opportunity was too good to pass up. It may have been a mistake, but we didn’t tell the boys until after the end of the holiday. The fights that followed were memorable. Neither set of parents could blame the boys for their reactions, but they had to accept that life did not revolve around their wishes. We tried to find a compromise that would allow them to stay together — I even went to the extent of exploring the option of transferring out west myself — but we failed.
Four weeks later, after moping around like a lost soul, Will announced to the family that he’s gay.