Vor 10 Stunden
Hi, I'm Jim. I was born on June 30, 1983, and I'm already a proud 18 years old. I have blonde, styled hair, light blue eyes, weigh just under 62 kg, and am about 178 cm tall. That's a bit about me. I went through a very special time about two years ago, and I'd like to tell you about it today, so let's go back to June 5, 1999 (Saturday).
I open my eyes, and the morning sun shines directly into my face from the window. Jacklin, with whom I spent the previous night, is lying next to me, lovingly cuddled up. Many of my friends would call this a great night, but I still found it less than exhilarating! Jacklin and I had planned to spend a nice weekend, and of course, our shared goal was sex! Well, at least that's how it was supposed to be. I don't know, I've had sex with girls before, but somehow I don't find anything special about it. Some of my friends have had sex, too, but they go absolutely crazy! When I sometimes hear things like, "Wow, she was so hot" or "Shit, it didn't work for me" or "Her tits were the hottest thing" and the like, I don't really get it. I mean, the girls I've been with have always been pretty happy, or at least they said so. But apart from that, I don't think I've ever been truly in love. I've heard that love is very exciting and distinct from general feelings. If that's the case, I haven't truly loved yet. I'm deceiving girls and I know it can't go on like this. I mean, maybe I'll find the right one soon, but until then, I've decided to stay away from girls who are serious! They simply deserve better.
Yesterday with Jacklin, that was no exception. I don't think she really loves me either. She's just too inexperienced, considering her general lifestyle. Not to mention stupid.
Yesterday it went like it usually does: She slowly took off my top, kissed my breast, caressed my pants, undressed me and shortly after that she too was completely naked and the rest is pretty clear, right? There wasn't a hint of love involved and no real feelings on my part! I know you shouldn't do that and to be honest I don't need it! I've just reached a point where I'm asking myself: "Is that all?" I mean, a bit of kissing and caressing and then the climax? What about the passion, the feeling of well-being? I've never felt that before and I don't even know if it even exists the way I imagine it, but still! I'm looking for it! I'm looking for the feeling that lets me fly for a brief moment, the feeling that is called love, does it exist?
"Morning, sweetie! And did you sleep well?" Jacklin asks, to which I give her a kiss on the forehead and say, somewhat listlessly, "Thanks, yes!"
Then she snuggles up to me and says, "The night with you was wonderful, even more beautiful than the one before." I reply with a smile, "You already said that last time!"
"I just don't know how else to say it. No boy has ever made me as happy as you!" I turn away modestly and say, "Now you're exaggerating," to which she replies, less convincingly, "No, I'm completely serious, sweetie, but I'm going to freshen up a bit now."
So Saturday passed quite quietly, calmly, and romantically—a true respite. On Sunday, Jacklin left early; she still had a lot of school work to do. My parents and my two siblings, Mario and Sabine, also came home. They were spending the weekend with relatives in Munich, and all four of them could understand why I didn't want to come along, since I usually spend the weekend doing something with friends or studying obsessively for school. Well, that's what my parents think, anyway! I actually have to study less and less. I'm currently in ninth grade at Gymnasium (high school) and I'm quite happy with an average grade of 1.8.
"Hi, my darling, how was your weekend?" my mom asks with wide, happy eyes as she puts a suitcase down in the foyer. But before I can answer, my little brother Mario, who is 9 years old and looks a lot like me, starts talking: "Look what Aunt Liselotte gave me!" He proudly shows me a soccer ball, smiles warmly, and adds: "Dad will show me a few tricks later!"
Then my dad comes into the house with two suitcases and calls to my sister: "Sabine, don't forget to press the doorknob." Exhausted, he puts the suitcases down and adds: "My goodness, that was another exhausting weekend." Mum grins, goes towards the kitchen and says: "Honey, bring the suitcases upstairs while you're at it." Dad looks at me and says with an ironic look: "My boy, I'll give you one piece of advice: don't get married!" I grin, take the third suitcase and follow Dad up to the bedroom. Dad puts down the suitcases, sits down on the bed, and asks, "So, Jim, how was your weekend? Did you and Jacklin... you know?" I look at him critically and then say with a slight smile, "Now, don't be so nosy, my weekend was... pleasant, that's enough for you, right?" He stands up, puts his arms around me, and replies with a sly chuckle, "Of course, my boy, that's enough for me!" Then he goes downstairs and calls to my mum, "Honey, our boy is growing up!" To which Mum replies, "I knew our son was special from the moment he was born!" I go back downstairs, and Sabine, my sister, who is 12 by the way, runs out of the living room toward the kitchen, calling out on her way, "And me, am I special too?" I go into the kitchen and see my mum bend down to her, stroke her blonde hair, and say, "Yes, my child, you are very special."
I smile mockingly and say, "Yes, and now we're all in Fairy Land, baking cakes and building a candy floss shield to save us from the evil Nightmare Man!" To which Mum smiles and replies, "My darling, if you'd paid more attention while watching TV, you would have realized that it's Teletubby Land and the Pokemon are our protectors from evil!" Sabine looks at us questioningly, and we start laughing.
Sunday also passes quite pleasantly and a new week begins. Together, the Punkt family I get up at six and leave the house sharp at seven. My mom drives my two siblings to elementary and middle school, and I cycle to the nearby high school. In the winter, or when I don't feel like it, Dad drives me too, since he has to pass the school to go to the doctor's office anyway. Yes, my dad is a doctor, and my mom works at our local bank. So, we're financially well-off!
When I arrive at school, the first girls run towards me, smiling charmingly at me and, strangely enough, staring at my pants. Then my best friend Ramon approaches me and asks in a whisper: "What did you do to her? The whole school is already talking about you." I look at him, puzzled, and ask: "What do you mean, 'her,' and what do you mean 'done to her?'"
He walks with me toward my other friends and says, "Just wait, you'll find out!"
"Well, you stud, you really gave that old woman a good go, didn't you?" asks Carsten with a stupid grin and pats me on the shoulder.
"You must be really good, I wonder why she wasn't so enthusiastic last time!" Tobias adds.
"What's that supposed to mean? Who is she? Do you mean Jacklin? Did she talk about last weekend?"
Ramon looks at me and then asks cautiously: "Should I tell you everything?"
An uncomfortable feeling spreads through me and the confusion forces me to feel the urge to hear the truth, to which I say: "Yes, come on, come on, come on." Ramon hesitates a little and answers: "She told her friends how good you are and that you were super sensitive the last time we were petting, but the sex, she thought it was incredible, she was absolutely thrilled! She told everyone about your magnificent member and I have to say, 20 cm, that's something you don't get every day!" I feel a great anger inside me, turn away from my friends and walk towards them, many thoughts going through my head: "Should I yell at her, ... should I stay calm, ... should I take the chance and break up with her? ...« My friends run after me, and Ramon murmurs cautiously, "Hey, Jim, she wasn't lying, was she? Please don't yell at her too much. Don't forget, she's a woman. And don't break up with me, it can slip up anytime, and she'll regret it anyway!" I walk straight ahead without answering, and then I'm standing in front of her. "Uh oh, I see, he can't be calmed down anymore," says Ramon, who is standing with the others a few meters away from me.
"Say, are you crazy?" I ask, upset, whereupon the girls around her slowly retreat and not one of them makes a sound.
"Good morning, honey, what's up?" I look her straight in the eyes and then say in a raised voice, "Now ask me! Why didn't you just invite everyone over to watch? I can't understand how someone can be so rude, naive, and stupid?!"
"What do you mean, angry and stupid and? - she hesitates a bit - and so, Jim, I, um - she hesitates again - I'm proud of you."
"I'm really pulling myself together, but such stupidity must be punished," I think to myself, and then I say, almost shouting: "Tell me, you must really be out of your mind! What business is it of ours, or at least my, privacy? Shouldn't yours be so important to you?" She looks at me questioningly and then says, somewhat disturbed: "Jim, I only told my best friend. I don't know how the others found out!"
"But I, she's just as much of a chatterbox as you are, that's why! And besides, you're even dumber than I thought. How you made it to high school is a mystery to me! I want you to stay out of my way for the time being..." She looks at me, perturbed, and asks, "But?" To which I interrupt, "No buts, you only have yourself to blame for that crap. I've had my fair share of it, but you're really the worst!" I turn around and leave.
She looks at me a bit angrily and then shouts loudly, "Jim, ... You'll regret this!" I hold my hand to my head and whisper, "What, you stupid cow, what should I regret? I would have regretted it if we'd stayed together any longer!"
"Jim!..." whispers Ramon, who's walking next to me, and then asks, "...Don't you think that was a bit harsh?" To which I look at him thoughtfully and say, "I don't know!" He hesitates a bit, then grabs my shoulder, forcing me to stop. "Well, you should be clear about that! ... She didn't do anything to damage your reputation!" I look at her, then back at him, think for a moment, and then say, "But my honor! Don't you understand, what business is it of other people's with my private life?" He hesitates a bit and says understandingly, "Well, you're right, but should I break up with you right away?"
"You know I trust you, right?" He looks at me with conviction and answers, "Yes, I know, or have I ever betrayed you? I'm just reminding you..."
"All right, all right! I know you started an X-file when you didn't tell Mrs. Kleine or the rest of the class about the erotic video I'd smuggled into the common room's VCR on the school trip. How many times do you want to tell me that?" I ask with a slight grin and continue: "...Well, I'm actually glad she gave me a reason to break up, since I was already considering ending the relationship. Because I'm a bit confused at the moment and don't want, or rather shouldn't, to lie to her if I'm not sure what I want! Although her lack of intelligence is and was sometimes a very good reason to end the relationship!" He looks at me in shock, then turns his gaze to her, then back to me, and asks: "What, why again? You back out every time, I can't understand it anymore. What's wrong with her, apart from the fact that she sometimes acts a little stupid?" - The bell rings for first period and we head towards the school building - ... I mean, she's still perfect, right?! And what insecurities do you have?' I look down at the floor, embarrassed, hesitate for a moment, and then say: 'I don't know what's going on, I might be... gay.' We both laugh out loud as we walk up the school stairs and he says: 'Yeah, I'm still missing a faggot like that in my collection,' to which Tobias catches up and says: 'A faggot, right? That rabble will be eliminated immediately.' I smile at Tobias and say in a high-pitched voice: 'Tse, tse, tse, always this intolerance, the faggot is standing right next to you and would rather see you from behind!' To which Ramon adds, laughing loudly: 'What did you say, take you from behind?' Laughing, we walk into the classroom and make a few more jokes in the same and similar categories about gay people and their stereotypes.
The bell rings to start class and Mrs. Kleine comes into the classroom.
"Good morning everyone! ... I'd like to continue today where we left off last time, without catching up, as we're still quite behind on the material!"
A listless groan goes through the group and then there is a knock at the door.
"Come in!" says Mrs. Kleine with a questioning look. Enter Johannes, one of my classmates, who has been in the hospital for the past four weeks with severe migraines.
"Good morning, Johannes, I thought you weren't coming until next week?" says Mrs. Kleine, as he closes the door from the inside. With a shy and slightly confused look, he replies, "I... well, the doctor said I could manage if I take things slowly."
"Well, all the better. That saves you a week of catching up, please sit down!" A bit crestfallen and still feeling a bit under the weather, he sits down in his seat on the far right, and Ramon, who's sitting right behind me, taps me on the shoulder and mumbles, "Since we're on the subject of gay," after which he laughs a bit irritably, and I grin slightly.
Johannes does seem a bit gay. He's very refined, expresses himself very elegantly, is very well-groomed, and walks like a chick! I must say, though, that he's quite good-looking, and if he didn't have so many gay stereotypes, he'd be serious competition for me! I can't really judge that, though, because I'm gay; that would be the last straw! No, I just judge based on what I think the girls look at and prefer!
"Quiet! ... Ramon, since you're the class representative and also tutor in math on the side, I think it's only right that you give Johannes some support! Can I rely on you?" Ramon looks around and notices that a mocking unrest is slowly emerging.
Then Carsten hums: "Ramon and Johannes, lala lalala." At which Mrs. Kleine turns her gaze first to Johannes, who lowers his head and then says: "Carsten, stop it! ... Ramon, can I rely on you?"
I look at him, he considers it for a moment, and replies: "Mrs. Kleine, I think it's appropriate that Jim do the tutoring, since I actually only tutor fifth-graders, not eighth-graders; I have enough to do myself! But Jim has helped me several times and does it with others as well." Mrs. Kleine glances out the window briefly and then turns her gaze directly to me: "Jim, would you do that?"
I admit, I'm pretty good at math and I enjoy helping others because it helps me expand my knowledge and learn what I'm not yet so good at.
I look at her in surprise and say, "If you take it for granted with Ramon, then you shouldn't question it with me. Of course I'll do it if Johannes needs my help!"
I look at Johannes, he smiles, then lowers his head shyly, whereupon he murmurs, "Yes, thank you!"
“Then we’ve cleared that up!” says Mrs. Kleine, and the hour slowly passes.
During the first of the three long breaks we have on a normal school day, I go to Johannes and ask, "Where should I help you? At your place, at my place, or at school? When would you prefer?"
He looks at me, grins, and says, "Well, I'd rather be with you, and if you have time, I'd suggest around 4 p.m."
"Hey, Jimi and Johannes are big love!" Tobias shouts across the yard. Johannes lowers his head again and mumbles, "If it makes you uncomfortable, I can handle it on my own!"
I turn to Tobias, look back at Johannes, and then say, "Oh, don't talk nonsense, don't worry about me! ... So, 4 p.m. this afternoon is OK, bring your math stuff, there's a lot to do!"
The first week passes quite uneventfully; I work through the entire math material with him, and we occasionally talk on the phone, where we only discuss any questions he has. But the following week, on Wednesday, things were a little different than usual:
It's just before four, and I'm still sitting in front of the TV, flipping through the channels, when suddenly the doorbell rings. I open the door. "Hi!" Johannes says shyly.
I quickly look him up and down. As always, he's very smartly dressed, styled to the nines, and it looks to me as if he's wearing makeup. Although, actually, I couldn't care less. As far as I'm concerned, he can shave his pubic area, too. That wouldn't bother me as long as he doesn't bother me!
"Come in, then we can get started right away, okay?" He follows me into the living room, hesitates a bit, and then says with a flushed face: "I actually wanted to ask you something!" I look at him understandingly and say: "Go ahead, sit down and get started, that's what I'm here for!"
"Well, it actually has less to do with math!"
"So you mean it's more private?"
"Yeah, I mean, if you don't mind..." To which I respond understandingly: "Of course I don't mind." He lowers his head, nervously plays with his fingers, and then says: "Well, basically it's a very simple question!"
"Then it shouldn't be difficult for you to ask me that question!" He looks me straight in the eyes and then asks in a very cautious voice, "What would you call us?" I look at him, confused, and then ask, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I mean, in terms of the relationship! More like friends or acquaintances or... or what?" I wonder what he's getting at, but I can't quite figure out the meaning, so I ask him, "What benefit do you get from this question? I mean, what's the point?" He becomes visibly nervous, looks toward the window, which is just to the left of the couch we're sitting on, and then says, "Oh, never mind, that's a stupid question!"
I remain persistent, which is my nature, and then say: "No, I want to know now, tell me!"
"No, it's okay, let's just keep learning!"
"If you don't tell me what you're trying to achieve with this question, I won't do anything!" I say with a slightly sly grin, whereupon he looks deep into my eyes again and says, "Well, then tell me what you think we are!" I hesitate a bit and then say, "Well, I think we're good friends, why are you interested?"
"Well, I actually thought, well, that we were friends!"
"That's... - I shake my head - you're confusing me!"
"I'm telling you, that's a stupid question!"
"No, it's not!" I say, adding, "Do you want us to be friends?" I detect a slight smile, and he replies, "Well, I think it's great!"
“What do you mean by friendship?” I ask, somewhat embarrassed.
"Well, maybe we go to the movies together sometime, or..." he hesitates, lowers his head, and continues. "Oh, no, I think that's a stupid idea! You have friends and they don't like me. I really suggest we just move on!" I nod understandingly and say, "You're right, my friends really don't like you that much, but that's because of the way you behave!" He lowers his head again, takes a deep breath, and then says, "Because they all think I'm gay, right?"
"Um, yes! I hesitate and think to myself that this is the right moment to ask the question - are you gay, then?" He looks at me seriously and then asks, "Would that be bad?" I smile a little and then say, "That was a counter-question, but I could actually answer my own question if I wanted to!" He looks a little confused, but remains calm, and I answer, "Well, actually, I wouldn't mind, but you'd have to explain a lot of things to me, and besides, the possibility of infiltrating my circle of friends would be a bit more difficult, especially if you actually liked one of us!"
He hesitates and then asks: "And what about our friend... no, I mean acquaintance?"
"No, now answer me, are you gay or not?"
"What do you think?" I look at him carefully and then say, "Well, there's a lot to suggest that... I think... I think you're gay!"
»What speaks for it?«
I open my eyes, and the morning sun shines directly into my face from the window. Jacklin, with whom I spent the previous night, is lying next to me, lovingly cuddled up. Many of my friends would call this a great night, but I still found it less than exhilarating! Jacklin and I had planned to spend a nice weekend, and of course, our shared goal was sex! Well, at least that's how it was supposed to be. I don't know, I've had sex with girls before, but somehow I don't find anything special about it. Some of my friends have had sex, too, but they go absolutely crazy! When I sometimes hear things like, "Wow, she was so hot" or "Shit, it didn't work for me" or "Her tits were the hottest thing" and the like, I don't really get it. I mean, the girls I've been with have always been pretty happy, or at least they said so. But apart from that, I don't think I've ever been truly in love. I've heard that love is very exciting and distinct from general feelings. If that's the case, I haven't truly loved yet. I'm deceiving girls and I know it can't go on like this. I mean, maybe I'll find the right one soon, but until then, I've decided to stay away from girls who are serious! They simply deserve better.
Yesterday with Jacklin, that was no exception. I don't think she really loves me either. She's just too inexperienced, considering her general lifestyle. Not to mention stupid.
Yesterday it went like it usually does: She slowly took off my top, kissed my breast, caressed my pants, undressed me and shortly after that she too was completely naked and the rest is pretty clear, right? There wasn't a hint of love involved and no real feelings on my part! I know you shouldn't do that and to be honest I don't need it! I've just reached a point where I'm asking myself: "Is that all?" I mean, a bit of kissing and caressing and then the climax? What about the passion, the feeling of well-being? I've never felt that before and I don't even know if it even exists the way I imagine it, but still! I'm looking for it! I'm looking for the feeling that lets me fly for a brief moment, the feeling that is called love, does it exist?
"Morning, sweetie! And did you sleep well?" Jacklin asks, to which I give her a kiss on the forehead and say, somewhat listlessly, "Thanks, yes!"
Then she snuggles up to me and says, "The night with you was wonderful, even more beautiful than the one before." I reply with a smile, "You already said that last time!"
"I just don't know how else to say it. No boy has ever made me as happy as you!" I turn away modestly and say, "Now you're exaggerating," to which she replies, less convincingly, "No, I'm completely serious, sweetie, but I'm going to freshen up a bit now."
So Saturday passed quite quietly, calmly, and romantically—a true respite. On Sunday, Jacklin left early; she still had a lot of school work to do. My parents and my two siblings, Mario and Sabine, also came home. They were spending the weekend with relatives in Munich, and all four of them could understand why I didn't want to come along, since I usually spend the weekend doing something with friends or studying obsessively for school. Well, that's what my parents think, anyway! I actually have to study less and less. I'm currently in ninth grade at Gymnasium (high school) and I'm quite happy with an average grade of 1.8.
"Hi, my darling, how was your weekend?" my mom asks with wide, happy eyes as she puts a suitcase down in the foyer. But before I can answer, my little brother Mario, who is 9 years old and looks a lot like me, starts talking: "Look what Aunt Liselotte gave me!" He proudly shows me a soccer ball, smiles warmly, and adds: "Dad will show me a few tricks later!"
Then my dad comes into the house with two suitcases and calls to my sister: "Sabine, don't forget to press the doorknob." Exhausted, he puts the suitcases down and adds: "My goodness, that was another exhausting weekend." Mum grins, goes towards the kitchen and says: "Honey, bring the suitcases upstairs while you're at it." Dad looks at me and says with an ironic look: "My boy, I'll give you one piece of advice: don't get married!" I grin, take the third suitcase and follow Dad up to the bedroom. Dad puts down the suitcases, sits down on the bed, and asks, "So, Jim, how was your weekend? Did you and Jacklin... you know?" I look at him critically and then say with a slight smile, "Now, don't be so nosy, my weekend was... pleasant, that's enough for you, right?" He stands up, puts his arms around me, and replies with a sly chuckle, "Of course, my boy, that's enough for me!" Then he goes downstairs and calls to my mum, "Honey, our boy is growing up!" To which Mum replies, "I knew our son was special from the moment he was born!" I go back downstairs, and Sabine, my sister, who is 12 by the way, runs out of the living room toward the kitchen, calling out on her way, "And me, am I special too?" I go into the kitchen and see my mum bend down to her, stroke her blonde hair, and say, "Yes, my child, you are very special."
I smile mockingly and say, "Yes, and now we're all in Fairy Land, baking cakes and building a candy floss shield to save us from the evil Nightmare Man!" To which Mum smiles and replies, "My darling, if you'd paid more attention while watching TV, you would have realized that it's Teletubby Land and the Pokemon are our protectors from evil!" Sabine looks at us questioningly, and we start laughing.
Sunday also passes quite pleasantly and a new week begins. Together, the Punkt family I get up at six and leave the house sharp at seven. My mom drives my two siblings to elementary and middle school, and I cycle to the nearby high school. In the winter, or when I don't feel like it, Dad drives me too, since he has to pass the school to go to the doctor's office anyway. Yes, my dad is a doctor, and my mom works at our local bank. So, we're financially well-off!
When I arrive at school, the first girls run towards me, smiling charmingly at me and, strangely enough, staring at my pants. Then my best friend Ramon approaches me and asks in a whisper: "What did you do to her? The whole school is already talking about you." I look at him, puzzled, and ask: "What do you mean, 'her,' and what do you mean 'done to her?'"
He walks with me toward my other friends and says, "Just wait, you'll find out!"
"Well, you stud, you really gave that old woman a good go, didn't you?" asks Carsten with a stupid grin and pats me on the shoulder.
"You must be really good, I wonder why she wasn't so enthusiastic last time!" Tobias adds.
"What's that supposed to mean? Who is she? Do you mean Jacklin? Did she talk about last weekend?"
Ramon looks at me and then asks cautiously: "Should I tell you everything?"
An uncomfortable feeling spreads through me and the confusion forces me to feel the urge to hear the truth, to which I say: "Yes, come on, come on, come on." Ramon hesitates a little and answers: "She told her friends how good you are and that you were super sensitive the last time we were petting, but the sex, she thought it was incredible, she was absolutely thrilled! She told everyone about your magnificent member and I have to say, 20 cm, that's something you don't get every day!" I feel a great anger inside me, turn away from my friends and walk towards them, many thoughts going through my head: "Should I yell at her, ... should I stay calm, ... should I take the chance and break up with her? ...« My friends run after me, and Ramon murmurs cautiously, "Hey, Jim, she wasn't lying, was she? Please don't yell at her too much. Don't forget, she's a woman. And don't break up with me, it can slip up anytime, and she'll regret it anyway!" I walk straight ahead without answering, and then I'm standing in front of her. "Uh oh, I see, he can't be calmed down anymore," says Ramon, who is standing with the others a few meters away from me.
"Say, are you crazy?" I ask, upset, whereupon the girls around her slowly retreat and not one of them makes a sound.
"Good morning, honey, what's up?" I look her straight in the eyes and then say in a raised voice, "Now ask me! Why didn't you just invite everyone over to watch? I can't understand how someone can be so rude, naive, and stupid?!"
"What do you mean, angry and stupid and? - she hesitates a bit - and so, Jim, I, um - she hesitates again - I'm proud of you."
"I'm really pulling myself together, but such stupidity must be punished," I think to myself, and then I say, almost shouting: "Tell me, you must really be out of your mind! What business is it of ours, or at least my, privacy? Shouldn't yours be so important to you?" She looks at me questioningly and then says, somewhat disturbed: "Jim, I only told my best friend. I don't know how the others found out!"
"But I, she's just as much of a chatterbox as you are, that's why! And besides, you're even dumber than I thought. How you made it to high school is a mystery to me! I want you to stay out of my way for the time being..." She looks at me, perturbed, and asks, "But?" To which I interrupt, "No buts, you only have yourself to blame for that crap. I've had my fair share of it, but you're really the worst!" I turn around and leave.
She looks at me a bit angrily and then shouts loudly, "Jim, ... You'll regret this!" I hold my hand to my head and whisper, "What, you stupid cow, what should I regret? I would have regretted it if we'd stayed together any longer!"
"Jim!..." whispers Ramon, who's walking next to me, and then asks, "...Don't you think that was a bit harsh?" To which I look at him thoughtfully and say, "I don't know!" He hesitates a bit, then grabs my shoulder, forcing me to stop. "Well, you should be clear about that! ... She didn't do anything to damage your reputation!" I look at her, then back at him, think for a moment, and then say, "But my honor! Don't you understand, what business is it of other people's with my private life?" He hesitates a bit and says understandingly, "Well, you're right, but should I break up with you right away?"
"You know I trust you, right?" He looks at me with conviction and answers, "Yes, I know, or have I ever betrayed you? I'm just reminding you..."
"All right, all right! I know you started an X-file when you didn't tell Mrs. Kleine or the rest of the class about the erotic video I'd smuggled into the common room's VCR on the school trip. How many times do you want to tell me that?" I ask with a slight grin and continue: "...Well, I'm actually glad she gave me a reason to break up, since I was already considering ending the relationship. Because I'm a bit confused at the moment and don't want, or rather shouldn't, to lie to her if I'm not sure what I want! Although her lack of intelligence is and was sometimes a very good reason to end the relationship!" He looks at me in shock, then turns his gaze to her, then back to me, and asks: "What, why again? You back out every time, I can't understand it anymore. What's wrong with her, apart from the fact that she sometimes acts a little stupid?" - The bell rings for first period and we head towards the school building - ... I mean, she's still perfect, right?! And what insecurities do you have?' I look down at the floor, embarrassed, hesitate for a moment, and then say: 'I don't know what's going on, I might be... gay.' We both laugh out loud as we walk up the school stairs and he says: 'Yeah, I'm still missing a faggot like that in my collection,' to which Tobias catches up and says: 'A faggot, right? That rabble will be eliminated immediately.' I smile at Tobias and say in a high-pitched voice: 'Tse, tse, tse, always this intolerance, the faggot is standing right next to you and would rather see you from behind!' To which Ramon adds, laughing loudly: 'What did you say, take you from behind?' Laughing, we walk into the classroom and make a few more jokes in the same and similar categories about gay people and their stereotypes.
The bell rings to start class and Mrs. Kleine comes into the classroom.
"Good morning everyone! ... I'd like to continue today where we left off last time, without catching up, as we're still quite behind on the material!"
A listless groan goes through the group and then there is a knock at the door.
"Come in!" says Mrs. Kleine with a questioning look. Enter Johannes, one of my classmates, who has been in the hospital for the past four weeks with severe migraines.
"Good morning, Johannes, I thought you weren't coming until next week?" says Mrs. Kleine, as he closes the door from the inside. With a shy and slightly confused look, he replies, "I... well, the doctor said I could manage if I take things slowly."
"Well, all the better. That saves you a week of catching up, please sit down!" A bit crestfallen and still feeling a bit under the weather, he sits down in his seat on the far right, and Ramon, who's sitting right behind me, taps me on the shoulder and mumbles, "Since we're on the subject of gay," after which he laughs a bit irritably, and I grin slightly.
Johannes does seem a bit gay. He's very refined, expresses himself very elegantly, is very well-groomed, and walks like a chick! I must say, though, that he's quite good-looking, and if he didn't have so many gay stereotypes, he'd be serious competition for me! I can't really judge that, though, because I'm gay; that would be the last straw! No, I just judge based on what I think the girls look at and prefer!
"Quiet! ... Ramon, since you're the class representative and also tutor in math on the side, I think it's only right that you give Johannes some support! Can I rely on you?" Ramon looks around and notices that a mocking unrest is slowly emerging.
Then Carsten hums: "Ramon and Johannes, lala lalala." At which Mrs. Kleine turns her gaze first to Johannes, who lowers his head and then says: "Carsten, stop it! ... Ramon, can I rely on you?"
I look at him, he considers it for a moment, and replies: "Mrs. Kleine, I think it's appropriate that Jim do the tutoring, since I actually only tutor fifth-graders, not eighth-graders; I have enough to do myself! But Jim has helped me several times and does it with others as well." Mrs. Kleine glances out the window briefly and then turns her gaze directly to me: "Jim, would you do that?"
I admit, I'm pretty good at math and I enjoy helping others because it helps me expand my knowledge and learn what I'm not yet so good at.
I look at her in surprise and say, "If you take it for granted with Ramon, then you shouldn't question it with me. Of course I'll do it if Johannes needs my help!"
I look at Johannes, he smiles, then lowers his head shyly, whereupon he murmurs, "Yes, thank you!"
“Then we’ve cleared that up!” says Mrs. Kleine, and the hour slowly passes.
During the first of the three long breaks we have on a normal school day, I go to Johannes and ask, "Where should I help you? At your place, at my place, or at school? When would you prefer?"
He looks at me, grins, and says, "Well, I'd rather be with you, and if you have time, I'd suggest around 4 p.m."
"Hey, Jimi and Johannes are big love!" Tobias shouts across the yard. Johannes lowers his head again and mumbles, "If it makes you uncomfortable, I can handle it on my own!"
I turn to Tobias, look back at Johannes, and then say, "Oh, don't talk nonsense, don't worry about me! ... So, 4 p.m. this afternoon is OK, bring your math stuff, there's a lot to do!"
The first week passes quite uneventfully; I work through the entire math material with him, and we occasionally talk on the phone, where we only discuss any questions he has. But the following week, on Wednesday, things were a little different than usual:
It's just before four, and I'm still sitting in front of the TV, flipping through the channels, when suddenly the doorbell rings. I open the door. "Hi!" Johannes says shyly.
I quickly look him up and down. As always, he's very smartly dressed, styled to the nines, and it looks to me as if he's wearing makeup. Although, actually, I couldn't care less. As far as I'm concerned, he can shave his pubic area, too. That wouldn't bother me as long as he doesn't bother me!
"Come in, then we can get started right away, okay?" He follows me into the living room, hesitates a bit, and then says with a flushed face: "I actually wanted to ask you something!" I look at him understandingly and say: "Go ahead, sit down and get started, that's what I'm here for!"
"Well, it actually has less to do with math!"
"So you mean it's more private?"
"Yeah, I mean, if you don't mind..." To which I respond understandingly: "Of course I don't mind." He lowers his head, nervously plays with his fingers, and then says: "Well, basically it's a very simple question!"
"Then it shouldn't be difficult for you to ask me that question!" He looks me straight in the eyes and then asks in a very cautious voice, "What would you call us?" I look at him, confused, and then ask, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I mean, in terms of the relationship! More like friends or acquaintances or... or what?" I wonder what he's getting at, but I can't quite figure out the meaning, so I ask him, "What benefit do you get from this question? I mean, what's the point?" He becomes visibly nervous, looks toward the window, which is just to the left of the couch we're sitting on, and then says, "Oh, never mind, that's a stupid question!"
I remain persistent, which is my nature, and then say: "No, I want to know now, tell me!"
"No, it's okay, let's just keep learning!"
"If you don't tell me what you're trying to achieve with this question, I won't do anything!" I say with a slightly sly grin, whereupon he looks deep into my eyes again and says, "Well, then tell me what you think we are!" I hesitate a bit and then say, "Well, I think we're good friends, why are you interested?"
"Well, I actually thought, well, that we were friends!"
"That's... - I shake my head - you're confusing me!"
"I'm telling you, that's a stupid question!"
"No, it's not!" I say, adding, "Do you want us to be friends?" I detect a slight smile, and he replies, "Well, I think it's great!"
“What do you mean by friendship?” I ask, somewhat embarrassed.
"Well, maybe we go to the movies together sometime, or..." he hesitates, lowers his head, and continues. "Oh, no, I think that's a stupid idea! You have friends and they don't like me. I really suggest we just move on!" I nod understandingly and say, "You're right, my friends really don't like you that much, but that's because of the way you behave!" He lowers his head again, takes a deep breath, and then says, "Because they all think I'm gay, right?"
"Um, yes! I hesitate and think to myself that this is the right moment to ask the question - are you gay, then?" He looks at me seriously and then asks, "Would that be bad?" I smile a little and then say, "That was a counter-question, but I could actually answer my own question if I wanted to!" He looks a little confused, but remains calm, and I answer, "Well, actually, I wouldn't mind, but you'd have to explain a lot of things to me, and besides, the possibility of infiltrating my circle of friends would be a bit more difficult, especially if you actually liked one of us!"
He hesitates and then asks: "And what about our friend... no, I mean acquaintance?"
"No, now answer me, are you gay or not?"
"What do you think?" I look at him carefully and then say, "Well, there's a lot to suggest that... I think... I think you're gay!"
»What speaks for it?«