“Why don't you tell your story for a change?” a good friend of mine asked me a while ago, to which I probably gave him a rather puzzled look. ‘What could be interesting about my story?’ I thought, but just shrugged my shoulders in response.
For a few days, this question didn't leave my head, until I really sat down to tell my story.
But first, let me introduce myself. My name is Isaiah (I know, a really great name), I'm already in the older semester. I have black hair, ice-blue eyes, and I make up for my small height with my big mouth.
“Isi! ISI!” my sister almost screamed into the phone, so that I thought my eardrums would burst. Exhausted from the night shift and lack of sleep, I grumpily asked what she wanted from me that was so important. Of course, she didn't get to the point right away, but first talked about everything under the sun. Until... until she finally got to the point and told me her great news. She had found a new RP chat and I had to register there immediately (!!!!). Yes, I confess. I'm into online role-playing games. But not to send figurines around, but written texts.
After a little back and forth, I actually registered.
There were a lot of idiots around, but also really good players. One of them caught my eye. I was captivated by his diversity and vocabulary. So I steered my character towards him.
I've never been one to be afraid of contact.
For some time, we played regularly until we arranged to meet outside the chat. At first only via the flower or other communication devices. But I became more curious. This guy I didn't know was on the same wavelength as me, but could still give a good counter.
Without realizing it, I kept thinking about him, which didn't go unnoticed by my best friend.
Sam, my best friend, wanted to know the reason for my change. So I met up with him and told him. I got a look of disbelief from almost black eyes, then the brown curly head shook grinning. Sam didn't need to say anything. He knew how to express everything with looks and gestures. I could really trust him with anything; after all, I've known the little guy since the sandbox.
Back then, Sam was one of my neighborhood kids. Four years younger than me, but pretty mature for his age. And he was damn good-looking. But back to my story.
I kept in touch with my ominous acquaintance, and couldn't wait until a message from him appeared on my screen. But sooner or later this wasn't enough for me (and apparently not for him either). I wanted to know more, almost everything.
So a meeting was arranged.
I don't need to mention that I was totally excited, right? Although it was totally embarrassing how I behaved, after all, I was well into my twenties.
We chose a small café. I was there half an hour before the appointed time and was already enjoying my second cup of coffee with lots of sugar when a voice tore me out of my thoughts.
“Isaiah?”
I looked up in amazement. Someone said my name, but I couldn't place the voice.
So I looked at the person and was struck dumb. On a tall, athletic body sat a head that knocked my socks off. Green eyes had a golden shimmer that fascinated me. And the guy had a mouth that was literally inviting you to kiss him.
It should be noted that I had long known that I was attracted to my own sex and had already come out.
I still couldn't stop staring at him until another question burst my thoughts.
“You're Isaiah, aren't you?”
“Yep, have a seat,” I offered him directly and pulled my legs up a little towards me. Yes, I liked to spread out under the table.
He sat down and ordered a coffee as well. For a while, we just sat there, talking over our cups.
I couldn't remember who started the conversation first, but suddenly we couldn't get enough of each other. We talked about our characters, discussed God and the world after death. Not a topic for me, I was a pagan. It was all just humbug to me.
After what felt like the twelfth cup of coffee, we said goodbye, at least in the real world. Because the chat continued directly.
And I had to talk to someone, right away!!!
I dialed Sam's number. After the third dial tone, the familiar voice answered.
“Yeah, bitter?” (he always said!)
“It's me, Isaiah.”
“What's up? You never call?”
“I met up with him.”
“With whom?”
“Kai, you idiot. Who did you think?”
“Oh? Tell me! What's he like?! Is he hot?”
I was almost tempted to say “yes,” but I just managed to pull myself out of the noose. And I told him everything. Really everything.
“Isi? You're in love!” he said with a laugh at the other end.
I almost dropped the phone in shock. What had the idiot just said? Just to be sure, I asked again.
“You're in love. You haven't raved about a guy or a woman like that in years. Go for it!”
“If only it were that easy,” was the only mental response. I said a curt goodbye and was left alone with my thoughts.
Was I really in love with Kai? Of course, he had been on my mind for quite some time. Now even more so, having seen him live and in color.
I suppressed the burgeoning feelings in the bud. Provoked an argument and showed him a side of me that he didn't know yet. Cold, heartless. In short, I had mutated into an asshole and liked the role. Even though my heart was melting with longing. It kept wanting to be with Kai. Wanted to hear his voice and be loved too.
To escape him, I used my free weekends to party... and for other things, of course null
It was in August when my heart suddenly took the lead. It didn't want to take a back seat any longer. So I wrote to him in a cloak-and-dagger operation about how I felt.
And I swear! I had never suffered as much as I did at that moment. There was no reply for days until a message suddenly appeared. He wanted to meet me.
The café was our meeting place again and I was there too early again.
But so was he this time. His eyes shimmered unfathomably when he saw me. My heart leaped. He looked so damn good in his jeans and tight T-shirt. Now you could really see that he did sports.
Not knowing what to expect, I sat down with him and ordered a coffee. There was silence between us. I, the bigmouth, couldn't get a word out.
However, he quickly recovered.
“Do you mean my message seriously?”
I didn't know what to say at first. I was too perplexed. Did the guy think I was walking down the street telling everyone I loved them?
“I don't joke about something like that and you know it,” I spat at him quietly.
“Calm down, Cian, (I hate it when you call me that!) I didn't mean to offend you. But it is a bit strange to fall in love with someone you've only seen once. Especially you, who doesn't believe in love at first sight.”
Now my patience was at an end. I slammed the coffee cup down on the table and stood up.
“You're right, Kai. It's damn strange.” With those words, I just left him sitting there and left.
I wanted to, at least, but at the door I was yanked around and felt warm lips on my lips. Lips that tasted of black coffee and slightly of tobacco. Which were so endlessly addictive. I returned the kiss, which I broke after what felt like an eternity.
“What is this?” I hissed again. Did I get an answer? No. Instead, Kai pulled me closer to him and kissed me again, and I was only too happy to return the addictive kiss.
Life couldn't be better at this moment. Really not.
A voice pulls me out of my thoughts, as do two warm arms hugging me.
“What did you say?”
“What are you writing?”
I look at the screen and smile happily. “A story about love at first sight and a love that withstood every storm.”
A gentle kiss hits the back of my head, because I lost all my hair a year ago. I gently take his right hand and blow a kiss onto the ring on his ring finger.
Yes, I am still with Kai and have been married for a year. There is still so much to tell.
But that's for part two.... 
I shoo my husband out of the room again, because I want to continue telling our story.
I quickly skim over what I have already written and have to smile. Our first kiss. A kiss that started it all.
It had been a week since I met Kai at the café and we kissed. A week of total stress and aching longing.
But now it was Friday evening. I finally had the weekend off again. I didn't have to work. And maybe I had time for Kai too.
That name haunted me for the whole seven days. It twitched when I just thought of him.
Michael, my roommate with whom I shared a house in the mountains, had persuaded me to turn night into day again. Just to enjoy life.
And there I was. In front of my three closets. Every single one was stuffed with pants, shirts and so on. Yes, I admit it. Shopping was my great passion.
Michael, meanwhile, had made himself comfortable on the couch in the room and kept eyeing me.
“Isi? You've changed quite a bit. What happened at the meeting?”
I dropped the pants I had just picked out in shock. I hadn't expected that question at all.
But maybe I should explain why. Michi and I lived together and partied together, but if we could avoid it, we kept out of each other's lives. We were loners, after all.
“What makes you think something has happened?” I hissed at him as I picked up the pants again and took a closer look. Dark denim, loosely fitting on the hips. Perfect. Now just find a matching top.
Michi stretched out on the couch, grumbling, and kept watching me, simply ignoring the tone of my voice.
“Well. You'd better stay at home this weekend, hole up in your realm and not be seen for a long time. You still look at pretty asses, but you don't go after them anymore.” That hit home! Had I really become like that? I never let anything get away and got what I wanted. Whether it was at a party or on my way home from work.
I ran my hand through my black shaggy mane and turned to Michi, who just grinned stupidly. He knew exactly that he had me in his trap.
I decided to do what I did best. Ignore people.
I'll skip the part where I got ready for the party night. It would take forever to describe that.
So there we were. Michi, Jonas, Maik and I. The bass was pounding out of the speakers around us, twitching and sweating bodies rubbed against each other on the dance floor.
I had to grin. Today the hunt would be especially fun.
Was I thinking of Kai? Well, we had kissed and we apparently loved each other too. But we weren't together. And, my goodness, I was young and wanted to let off steam.
And that's what I did that night. But the sex really hadn't been fulfilling. So Mr. X wasn't allowed to stay until breakfast, but had to go straight home. I had allowed him to call a taxi from my phone. But instead of sleeping, I sat down in front of the PC and waited...
and waited...
and waited...
until suddenly Eiskuh messaged me and said that someone was texting me. I clicked on the blinking something in my task list and grinned. So Kai was just as sleepless as I was.
Hesitantly, we began talking. Like two shy schoolboys, we eyed each other. Neither of us seemed to understand what had happened in the café.
I knew one thing though. I wanted him! And I was going to have him.
In my party mood, I asked him if he wanted to do something else. After all, the night was just beginning. He agreed.
I took a shower to feel fresh again, got dressed and got behind the wheel (sober!!!!).
We met on the bank of the river. I parked my car next to his. He was leaning against the bonnet, probably warming his backside with the hot metal.
As calmly as I could, I leaned over to him.
“Hey, you,“ I said quietly.
“Hey, you,” came the quiet reply, which made me grin. And a smirk also spread across his lips. I watched him out of the corner of my eye. He didn't really fit my type, which had changed fundamentally since Leon. Leon? Maybe I'll talk about him. But back to Kai. He was tall, muscular, and blond. But if you think that just means he's good-looking, you're wrong. Kai also had a lot on the brain. Talking to him about mundane things was really fun. So was the silence, as I noticed. It did me good just to feel his closeness. It made me calmer. My gaze wandered to the gently flowing water of the river. He followed his thoughts and I followed mine. We really hadn't spoken a word until the sun slowly appeared.
“What will happen to us now?“ Kai quietly broke the silence.
I sighed softly, knowing that this question would come at some point.
“I don't know, Kai. We know how we feel about each other, but will it work out for us?” I pushed myself off the hood and stretched extensively.
Inwardly, I asked myself the question. We were fundamentally different in our views, in our nature. Kai was the emotional one, I was the rational one. With him, it was often the heart that spoke, with me it was very often the head. He brooded, I acted. So how could a relationship develop from that?
“What if we just give it a try?” I heard the beautiful little voice from the side. I raised an eyebrow and looked at Kai. Try? We were grown men! But he looked at me so wonderfully naively right now. Damn it! That ass was really softening me up. I turned to him and let my hands slide over his ears to the back of his neck. He shuddered. So that was his sensitive spot, huh? I had to remember that. Without saying a word, I stretched out towards him. I felt his hands on my hips, and I suddenly became warm! So I didn't waste any time and kissed him, tenderly and gently. And I have to say, he tasted really heavenly!
A shout of “attack” rings through the room, tearing me out of my memories. Before I can understand anything, two little devils are sensed in the bed while a big devil is standing in the doorway laughing. My children are visiting me that weekend when I write down my memories. Jem (my oldest) and Mari (my... our little princess). Yes, I also had excursions into the ladies' world.
Before they wrecked my lap, I put it aside and let myself be stormed by both of them and used as a cuddly pillow.
My eyes wander to my husband, I see his dreamy look and fall in love with him all over again.
Every second weekend of the month, we became a small family. Times we all enjoyed. Especially the little ones. They are thoroughly spoiled by Kai!
Mari in particular likes to take advantage of this with her bright blue saucer eyes and black curls.
I push the princess onto my belly and stretch out my free hand to Kai. With a smile, he climbs into bed with me and snuggles up to us.
Now is no time to write down the memory... but to feel the present...
See you in part three!!!

Foreword
One of the details that I changed while revising the story is the age of Paul and the other characters. In "We're the Pet Shop Boys," Paul was still 18 and in the 13th grade of a FOS, while in "Liberation," I lowered his age to 17, so he is now in the 12th grade. At the time, I had chosen 13th grade and 18 as his age because I was 18 during the creation of the story and was also in the 13th grade then. Since many of the characters, especially Paul himself, were based on my real life, it made the most sense to me at the time. Although I was still 17 at the time of my inner coming out, everything else fit chronologically. The reason I changed the age now is that upon closer consideration, I found it somewhat unusual for Paul to have his inner coming out only at 18. No question, such cases exist – for many gay individuals, 18 might even be quite early – but somehow 17 felt more realistic for this story after long reflection. While this makes the story feel less personal for me, I think it will seem a bit more logical to most other readers.
All of this is fine and good, but some readers might wonder what the point of this story is after reading it. It is essentially a classic and sometimes somewhat predictable coming-out story with a lot of clichés, similar to countless others already present on this site. But perhaps it will entertain some or at least distract from all the negativity out there for a short time – if that were the case, I would actually be satisfied. And besides – just because something exists in a similar form many times does not mean it has to be bad; on the contrary. Personally, I enjoy reading every coming-out story anew, no matter how many similar ones I have read before, and I never have anything against a good love story. It seems that many other readers feel the same way, as otherwise, stories of this kind would hardly be so frequent, right? So why not publish or read another one? This story may not be artistically valuable or innovative, but I still hope that some readers will find joy in it.
Back to the topic of logic briefly: I don’t want to give away any content here, but some will surely wonder how realistic it is that all of this happens in such a short time. Admittedly, it is extremely unlikely, and I am aware of that (and sometimes I had to roll my eyes a bit while proofreading, I admit it). On the other hand, the two alternatives would have been to write the story in such a way that there are always time jumps of several weeks or months between the individual events, which, in my opinion, would have disrupted the flow of reading a bit, or to simply omit individual plot elements completely, which would have been more realistic but, honestly, also more boring. Therefore, it is now in this form – not everything has to be close to reality; sometimes fantasy is simply much more beautiful.
Finally, a brief note about the Pet Shop Boys quotes in this story. I originally included them in the original story because, first, I wanted to (to be honest, I originally started writing the story just to incorporate the quotes somewhere) and, second, they were and are in a way the "soundtrack of my life," however strange that may sound.
While revising the original story into "Liberation," I thought long about whether to remove the song lyrics or keep them – in the end, I obviously decided to keep them. I know that most readers may not find much meaning in them, but somehow I still found the idea beautiful, and in a way, these quotes are also the unique feature of the story. So here’s my tip: If someone doesn’t see any sense in the song lyrics, they should just skip them; the story works just as well without them.
By the way, I only realized afterward that the idea of using song lyrics in stories is not new and has been practiced here on Nickstorys.de very often. Back when I was writing the original version, I thought I was incredibly revolutionary... null
Since there is hardly a feeling or life situation about which the Pet Shop Boys have not written a song, it was not so difficult to find the appropriate quotes for each part of the story. Nevertheless, some PSB nerds might notice that some of the lyrics come from songs that actually deal with a completely different situation than what is described in the story. A prime example is perhaps the song "To face the truth," which is actually quite clearly about the end of a relationship. Still, I incorporated it after the coming-out scene in this story, as the two lines "It hurts too much to face the truth / To face the truth" fit very well in my opinion. Furthermore, I often focused more on the overall mood of a song rather than ensuring that the content matched the story exactly. Most readers probably won't care anyway, but I wanted to mention it just to be safe.
So, that was enough preliminary remarks for now, which I believe were necessary to explain the context of the story a bit. There isn't much more to say for now, except of course, enjoy reading!
Chapter 1
"The night is a time to explore who you are
Are you what you want to be?
Could you really be a star?
Sometimes you want something you never had
In the middle of the night, you can let yourself go slightly mad"
The ringing of the alarm clock jolted me roughly out of sleep. Who doesn't know that feeling? One moment you're deep in the most beautiful dreams, and the next moment reality catches up with you – and out of bed you go, unfortunately. It's not easy being a student.
The dream I was pulled out of today was somehow different. As far as I could remember, it was nice, but primarily strange. I had been cuddling with someone, but who? Was I mistaken, or was it one of my friends? No, definitely not, that couldn't be.
After I silenced the alarm clock with a well-aimed hit (serves it right) for the next twenty-four hours, I got up and, still a bit dazed, went to the bathroom to prepare for another school day. I had already forgotten the mentioned dream and instead went through the expected events of the day in my mind.
By the way, my name is Paul. I am 17 years old, have short dark blonde hair, and I am in the 12th grade of a vocational school (FOS). The latter was also the reason why I had to get up so early. After breakfast, I first went to the train station and then took the S-Bahn, which was only two minutes late today, to school, which was located quite centrally in Munich. Since we lived in a small suburb, this meant I had to spend quite a bit of time on the train every day, but this problem could easily be solved with a good book. Or alternatively with school materials, if I had been too lazy to study the day before, but that never happened. After all, I was also too lazy to do that on the S-Bahn...
I really couldn't concentrate on reading today, so I somewhat dreamily observed the various commuters who shared the terrible fate of having to take an S-Bahn at just after seven in the morning. A bit further away, someone was on the phone in a language completely foreign to me, which apparently prompted the man to speak a little louder, since no one would understand him anyway. The woman sitting across from me had a small notebook open in front of her and was quickly sketching all kinds of people sitting with her on the train. And the boy back there, who had just boarded, actually looked quite nice… Stop! No, certainly not. But the girl one door over was quite nice. Much more attractive! Or?
"But every now and then, often at night
a particular feeling would surface in spite
of what I’d told myself and tried to deny
I kept on asking the question: why?"
Upon arriving at school, my mood was quite mixed. On one hand, I was subconsciously still a bit confused about my feelings, even though I was convincing myself that they didn't exist. Besides, I was still tired, and the thought of the upcoming classes didn't make me any happier. However, I was looking forward to seeing my friends and classmates.
"Morning," I greeted Felix, with whom I had been in the same class for six years now and who had become one of my best friends during that time. We had met in secondary school and then went to FOS together. He responded with a still somewhat sleepy "Hi," but soon engaged me in a conversation about which of our subjects today was the most unnecessary – we agreed on religion – which ended in a small competition about who was least interested in all of it today. This was eventually interrupted by our economics teacher, who came in and tried to teach us all about the use of results. With varying success.
I really couldn't concentrate on the class because I was too distracted by Simon, who was sitting diagonally in front of me. I had been in the same class with him since we came to FOS two years ago, and we had become quite good friends, although I didn't know him as well as other long-time friends. Anyway, he looked quite good sitting there – he was of average height and build for our age, maybe even a bit slender, his light brown to dark blonde hair was cut into a perfectly styled haircut from all sides, and the clothes he wore just looked perfect on him, even though they were just ordinary jeans and sweaters. Occasionally, he would turn around and smile at me when our eyes met, which triggered a strangely warm feeling in me every time.
"Paul?" Mr. Bergmüller's voice interrupted my daydreams.
"Hm?"
"Could you perhaps answer my question? How do we find out the annual surplus after calculating the balance profit?"
"Um… Sorry, I was just a bit distracted…," I replied somewhat embarrassed.
"I noticed, yes. Next time, please pay better attention, okay?"
If it were only that easy. It was only after I had subconsciously admired Simon for a while that I suddenly became aware of what I was doing. And it shocked me. How could this be, I thought. He is a boy. I am not gay. And I don’t want to be. I tried for a while to find arguments for why I had to be into girls, and when I was somewhat convinced, I decided to distract myself by actually paying attention in class. Simon continued to throw me occasional glances, but I ignored him and stared blankly past him at the board.
The rest of the day passed by without me really noticing much of it. During breaks, Felix, Simon, Lukas, whom I also knew since the beginning of FOS, and I talked about all sorts of things, but I wasn’t really present, which Felix noticed as well. After class, he brought it up on the way home:
“Hey, what’s going on with you today? You seem so distant…”
“Oh nothing, just didn’t sleep well,” I tried to brush it off. It sounded only somewhat convincing, but at least we changed the subject and made some silly jokes about various teachers instead of talking about deeper things.
“I’m building a wall, a fine wall
Not so much to keep you out
more to keep me in”

Chapter 2
“See boy strange on the horizon of love
he’s calling to you
What do you say?
See boy strange as an example of youth
so close to the truth
but still far away
And he’s such a strange boy
will he make a good exchange for
the one before the closed door
that you left behind?”
Once home, I first set about tackling the mountain of homework for the day – although I was somewhat unfocused while doing so. When the obligations for that day were finally done, I sat down on my bed and thought about a part of my life that I had been suppressing until now.
When I had just turned 16, my little sister Marie had asked me when I would finally come out as gay since I seemed to fit every sign of it. Just for fun. And it really shouldn’t have bothered me; after all, I wasn’t. Sure, I had never had a girlfriend, but that was probably more due to my shyness. But what else?
The problem was that since that day, I had been haunted by a certain fear of actually being gay. For all those years, I had always denied it, looked for arguments for why I couldn’t be, and tried to appear as hetero as possible to others. Not that they would start thinking anything about me.
I could probably deceive everyone very well, but the doubts remained with me, growing stronger day by day, my counterarguments becoming weaker. How could this be? I didn’t want this! Why me?
Until two or three weeks ago, I was still sure that this could only be a phase, that it was normal and would pass. My very last shield behind which I could hide for a while longer. But in hindsight, I also realized that this couldn’t go on. Sooner or later, I had to face the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it seemed. Sure, I could have kept going like this, and probably no one but myself would have ever had doubts about my sexuality, but then what? Get married, have kids, grow old – always plagued by self-doubt and never really happy?
I had started to at least engage with the topic of homosexuality. Not that it would affect me, I had told myself at first, just to inform myself. For two years, I had repressed everything that even remotely related to the topic – people, movies, even the Pet Shop Boys, my absolute favorite band, I had only listened to with a guilty conscience.
By now, I had at least reached a point where my fear of the topic had somewhat diminished. I was still sure that I was into girls, even though everything was so obvious. I just couldn’t admit it to myself.
Until today. The looks from Simon, my strange feeling about it – all of that had awakened something in me, and after all these years, I was on the verge of finally opening a door that I had wanted to keep panically shut.
“Guess there’s no place to hide, when you’re screaming inside
There’s no place to hide, when you’re screaming inside”
I took my phone, opened an anonymous internet browser just in case, and typed with trembling fingers the words “gay coming out” into the search bar. It was the first time I had explicitly searched for this topic, and also the first time I admitted to myself that it could affect me.
The DBNA website was displayed, which I had heard of before – but until then, I had never dared to click on it. This time, I did. I read one article after another on the topic of “internal coming out” and “how do I know if I’m gay,” and I noticed with a certain relief that what I had hidden from all these years and what I simply didn’t want to acknowledge was indeed true. I was gay. Not what I wanted. But well, it couldn’t be changed. And now? Now it was over, no more internal hiding from myself. Still slightly trembling, I put my phone down and fell onto my bed, feeling strangely liberated.
“Then we went on, after hours, there was a place down below
It was there I realised the meaning of the show
You’ve got to love, to learn to live, where angels fear to tread
You need to cast off any guilt or shame
When thunder roars and lightning scores, you’ll still be glad you’d came
Are you gonna go to the Sodom and Gomorrah show?
It’s got everything you need for your complete entertainment and instruction
Sun, sex, sin, divine intervention, death and destruction
The Sodom and Gomorrah show is a once-in-a-lifetime production”
In the evening, I was strangely cheerful and somehow relieved. What I had been most afraid of for the last two years had come true. Actually not good. But objectively speaking, it wasn’t as bad as I had feared. Yes, I would have to say goodbye to many ideal notions and life goals, and it certainly wouldn’t always be easy. But otherwise? Otherwise, I could live my life the way I obviously wanted, even if it had taken me some time to figure that out.
I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time, so I lay awake in my bed and thought for the second time that day about my life, this time much more positively than in the afternoon. When I finally fell asleep, I was surprisingly happy.

Chapter 3
“Ask me why, I’ll say it’s most unusual
How can I even try to explain why today I feel like dancing
singing like lovers sing, when I wouldn’t normally do this kind of thing?
I wouldn’t normally do this kind of thing”
Once again, the ringing of the alarm clock jolted me awake. My first thought was: Already? My second: I don’t want to. My third: I’m gay. And then all the memories of the previous day slowly came back.
As I was on my way to the train station, nearly freezing – in moments like these, I hated winter – it somehow felt as if people could see what was going on inside me. As if I had changed overnight, as if they were all curiously scrutinizing me. The thought of being gay suddenly felt extremely strange, and although I was still the same person as yesterday, everything felt different.
Upon arriving at school, Felix gave me the latest news about the party that was supposed to take place at his place this Friday. Not only some people from our current class would come, but especially our friend group from middle school. I was really looking forward to seeing certain people again.
“By the way, Lena is coming too,” Felix mentioned and winked at me meaningfully.
“Uh-huh. Great,” I replied less than enthusiastically. I liked Lena; she was a good friend. For a while, I thought I had a crush on her, but I soon realized that wasn’t the case. That, however, didn’t seem to stop everyone else from wanting to set us up. That Lena herself wouldn’t have been opposed to it was somewhat of an open secret.
“Come on, Paul, I know you like her. And she likes you. You’d be perfect together,” Felix said, unwilling to let go of this topic.
“Not so loud,” I murmured more to myself and looked a bit embarrassed around the classroom to see if anyone had noticed. Of course, Simon and Lukas both had grins on their faces.
“Are you not going to introduce her to us on Friday, Paul?” Simon teased me. “I’d really like to meet her.”
"Yeah, let's see." I replied shortly and for the first time in my life, I was glad that our math teacher, Mr. Krämer, just walked in. "Sorry," Felix whispered to me, who had obviously noticed that I felt a bit uncomfortable with the topic, and then the class began.
Even today, I could only half-follow the lesson, and once again, Simon was the reason for it. Since I had now admitted to myself that I was probably gay, I could think about such things without too much guilt. Was I mistaken, or did he look even better today than yesterday? Occasionally, he turned back to me, and while I was shocked yesterday that I was even thinking about him, today I wondered why he did that. Well, he was probably just being nice; it's not unusual to smile at a friend. But didn't he realize what he was doing to me? He looked so sweet when he beamed at me. And every time he turned around, I would have loved to take him in my arms and cuddle up to him.
But I should rather not have such thoughts, because he was probably just as straight as everyone else, and if he ever found out, I could easily imagine that he wouldn't be too thrilled about it. Maybe I should just try to find a boyfriend, I thought, because then I wouldn't have to constantly crush on people I had no chance with, who wouldn't be okay with it either.
"It’s mad, to be in love with someone else
When you’re in love with he, she’s in love with me
but you know as well as I do
I can never think of anyone but you, all my life
Play with fire, play with guns
it’s easy to impress someone
Turning in my sleep, you called me a fool
To fall in love, is it so uncool?
Now I want to wake up
How I want to wake up"
The rest of the week passed surprisingly quickly. In my free time, I continued to inform myself about homosexuality, coming out, and everything related to it. The fears I had until then gradually diminished, and I was able to come to terms with being gay more and more each day. I often wondered why it had taken me so long to accept it, as I had often felt bad about it before and was plagued by self-doubt. But it wasn't so bad now. So why the fear?
Outwardly, I initially felt strange, as if I were suddenly someone else and everyone would notice, but I quickly realized that wasn't the case. On the contrary, no one seemed to have noticed anything, neither in my family nor among my friends. This helped me to become a bit more relaxed and I gradually managed to forget about the topic and return to a certain normality.
Overall, everything was going quite well. Until Friday.
Chapter 4
"I’d rather die than satisfy their curiosity
I’m kind of shy and dry and verging on ugly
They wonder what that I have got that they have not
They’ll never understand that none of that matters
Every boy and man feeling lonely
can’t understand why you’d be with me
Furthermore, we laugh and we draw
more attention every day so they say
Bet she’s not your girlfriend
Oh no, you couldn’t make her happy”
It was Friday, school was over, and I was full of anticipation for the party tonight at Felix's. I briefly considered what a gay person should wear and ended up with what I always wore. It would be even worse otherwise. After that, I spent a few minutes in front of the mirror – not that I was particularly meticulous, but my appearance did matter to me to some extent – and when I deemed the result acceptable, I quickly packed my things, said goodbye to my mother, and set off.
When I arrived at Felix's, things were already happening, so I mingled with the attendees after grabbing a suitable drink in the kitchen. Laura, Maja, Emma, Hannah, and Julian, whom I knew from my old class in secondary school, were already there. And Lena. I was somewhat afraid of encountering her, but I smiled at her as I entered the room. Only Simon and Lukas were missing, who lived a bit further away and always took a little longer.
“And Paul, how’s it going? Long time no see!” Julian greeted me, with whom Felix and I had laughed a lot in secondary school. It was nice to see him again after we had unfortunately had little to do with each other following our school transfer and the start of his training.
“Everything’s great, and you?” I replied.
“Yeah, things are going pretty well. What’s new with you guys?”
“Oh, nothing really.” A small part of me would have liked to answer that I was gay by now; on one hand, I wanted people to know and to deal with it openly. Thankfully, the part that preferred to handle it more cautiously and keep it secret for now maintained control.
After Julian moved on and I had briefly lost myself in thought, Lena suddenly stood next to me.
“Hi,” she said and smiled at me.
With Lena, as I said, it was a bit complicated. I liked her a lot – as a friend. And there was a time when I saw more than just a friend in her. Since I enjoyed being with her so much, I thought for a while that I was in love with her, but I quickly realized that wasn’t the case. Now I know that I was probably just looking for a girlfriend to prove to myself that I was into girls. So it was good that nothing more had happened between us back then, as she didn’t deserve to be "used" by me for such purposes.
The thing was that it was a kind of open secret that Lena had indeed had feelings for me for a while – hence Felix's comment the other day at school. In the eyes of our friends, we were probably seen as the perfect couple that just needed to find each other – at least that was the impression I sometimes had. As I said, I had sensed at some point that it wouldn’t be a good idea for us, and that had now been confirmed, but unfortunately, she didn’t know anything about it. And I couldn’t tell her that she should look for someone who deserved her, since, first, I officially didn’t know that she had feelings for me, second, I didn’t want to hurt her, and third, I would have had to explain why it couldn’t work. And for the last point, the question of why, I had only gotten the answer myself a few days ago, namely, that I was gay.
“Hey. How are you?” I replied, smiling back a bit uncertainly.
“Pretty okay so far. How’s it going with you?”
“It’s alright. Everything’s good.”
At that moment, Simon and Lukas came into the room, having just arrived. My gaze immediately fell on Simon, who looked stunning as always. However, his expression seemed a bit clouded for a moment as he looked in my and Lena's direction, then he put on a smile that unfortunately wasn’t as endearing as usual and came over to us.
“Hey, hey! You must be Lena, right? I’ve heard a lot about you!” he greeted us both. Lukas stood a step behind him and grinned at me. I was a bit confused for a moment about what to do and therefore let Lena do the talking.
“That’s right. And you are…?”
“Simon. Paul and I know each other from the FOS.”
“Oh yes, he and Felix have told me about you. You must be Lukas?” she asked, nodding in his direction.
“Exactly,” Lukas replied.
“And what have you heard about me, Simon?” Lena asked now. “Only good things, I hope!”
"Sure, of course. But nothing specific otherwise..." Simon replied somewhat hesitantly and threw me a quick glance that I couldn't quite interpret. Questioning, perhaps a bit dejected, uncertain. Then he smiled again as if nothing had happened, saying he didn't want to disturb us further and said goodbye in the direction of Felix and Julian, who were currently engaged in a lively discussion with Emma and Maja about something. The music, apparently. As if there was still much to discuss, when it was clear that each of them had no taste in music in their own way, right?
"Paul? What's wrong?" Lena suddenly asked.
"Hm?"
"You seem so absent and have been staring at the two of them the whole time. Is everything really okay with you?"
"Oh, yes, everything's fine, just a bit distracted..." I replied, slightly embarrassed. Was it really that obvious that I was looking at Simon longer than usual?
"Distracted, huh," Lena grinned now. "And that, even though you're talking to me? What a thing..."
"Well, hehe, it's just that there's a lot going on at school right now, you know? So I guess I can be a bit unfocused sometimes..." I tried to explain somehow while secretly wondering how I had managed to get myself into such an unnecessarily awkward situation again for no real reason.
"Sure, everything's fine, it's okay. I think there's food now, right?" Lena said, thankfully not wanting to press further.
In fact, the pizzas that Felix had ordered for us had just been delivered, so we all sat down together at the table and ate. Although Lena and I were sitting next to each other, since we weren't alone anymore, we joked more with the others and talked about all sorts of things. After that, we played various games, which I mostly lost (but as the saying goes, bad luck in games, good luck in love), before someone had the idea to turn the music up even louder, after which we all gradually started dancing and goofing around. It was sometimes hard to distinguish between the two with us anyway. And even though I had absolutely no sense of rhythm in such situations, I still had fun, even me. Until the moment when Lena slowly came closer to me and almost touched me while dancing. She was definitely not being pushy, but rather cautious, yet still clearly so. Maybe she had had one too many drinks after all? No, definitely not; she wasn't too keen on that.
In hindsight, I don't know why I did what I did. It was quite hasty and thoughtless, but on the other hand, it felt like the only option. In any case, I thought to myself at that moment that this couldn't continue between us. She deserved someone who could really love her, unlike me, and besides, I felt that our friendship would ultimately suffer if I already had an uncomfortable feeling about being with her sometimes. So I gathered all my courage, smiled at her somewhat uncertainly, and said, "Hey, can we maybe talk outside for a moment?"
"Sure, anytime." She looked briefly pleased, then seemed to notice from my expression that something was wrong.
We made our way out of the room towards the front door, and I felt like we were being thrown a few curious glances here and there. I started to tremble a bit and felt hot. Was this really a good idea? I could still just back out. No, it had to be done, I encouraged myself.
Once outside, we walked a few steps down the street; I didn't want anyone to overhear us in the end. Lena looked at me questioningly from the side but followed me without objection.
"What's wrong?" she finally asked when I still hadn't said a word. I probably seemed totally unfriendly, but it just felt like my throat was constricted.
"Nothing, um, well..." I managed to say, not very cleverly.
"Did I get too close to you in there? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that..."
"Hm, it's fine." I said. I couldn't do this.
"No, obviously not. What's going on with you? Is everything okay?" she continued, and now her voice suddenly sounded empathetic, and I remembered exactly why I valued her so much as a friend.
"So, yes, everything's fine, but... um..."
"Come on, Paul, spit it out. Whatever you want to say, I won't be mad at you for it."
"So, I'm sorry, I've noticed that you might be imagining more between us, but that unfortunately won't work. It just can't..." I stammered, staring past her into the darkness.
"Yeah, I figured that. It's okay. You don't have to say why, but I hope I didn't do anything wrong or hurt you in any way?" she replied somewhat dejectedly but composed.
"No, it's not your fault. It's just... um..."
"Yeah?"
"So... promise me you won't tell anyone, okay?" Oh God, I really couldn't do this. I was scared of her reaction, I was shaking all over, I suddenly felt much hotter again, and I could barely speak straight.
"Of course, Paul. You can trust me, okay?"
"I'm... well, um... I... am gay." Did I really just say that? What had I done? What if she didn't understand, what if she went back inside and told everyone? Why didn't I just leave it alone? Doubts overwhelmed me, and suddenly I was really afraid of what could happen next.
"Oh, okay. That's a bit... unexpected, but not bad!" she said softly, smiling encouragingly at me. I still couldn't believe that this was really happening.
When I didn't respond, still staring past her into the darkness, she stepped closer and put her arm around my shoulder.
"You don't have to be afraid, okay? I have no problem with it, and I won't tell anyone unless you explicitly allow me to, okay?" she said gently. "Admittedly, I didn't expect this and I'm a bit disappointed, as I could have imagined more with you... as you said... but you can't help how I feel. And I'll always stand by you, no matter what happens."
"Thank you," I finally managed to say, even though I still felt unable to speak.
"You're welcome. That's what friends are for, right?" she smiled at me now. I only nodded slowly.
"Should we go back inside, or do you want to calm down a bit first?" It felt strange to be cared for by her like this, but I was just infinitely grateful to her at that moment.
"Just a bit longer. I don't think I can go back in there now..." I murmured quietly, astonished that I could obviously speak again. At the same time, I felt a certain panic about going back inside with the others and pretending nothing had happened. I was relieved, but still extremely unsure, and it felt like everyone could see what had happened if we went back in now.
"Hm, I understand... If you want, we can take a short walk and talk about it...?" Lena asked cautiously.
"I don't think I can talk much right now; I'm still shaking too much when I speak..." I tried to laugh, but it didn't really work. Maybe I should just go home and calm down?
"Okay. Maybe you need a little quiet time first, right?" Lena said exactly what I had just been thinking. "We can go inside quickly, grab your things, you say goodbye to Felix and tell him you're not feeling well... Right?"
"Yes, you're right!" Together we walked back to the house where Felix lived. "And thank you!" I said quietly just before we reached the front door.
Inside, it was extremely hot and loud compared to the cold night air outside. In a trance, I followed Lena back to the others, still unable to fully grasp what had just happened.
"Hey, where have you two been?" Felix greeted us, looking at us curiously.
"Oh, just getting some fresh air; he wasn't feeling well," Lena replied, thankfully for me—I didn't feel like I could speak right now.
"Oh, okay? Is everything alright again, Paul?" Felix asked. He sounded a bit concerned now, his grin fading.
"Yeah, I'm fine again..." I stammered. "But I think I'd rather go home and rest a bit..."
"Hm, that's too bad, but if you think so, that's probably best..."
"Yeah, probably. Thanks again for the invitation; I still had a lot of fun!" I managed to say, and then Lena accompanied me to the hallway, where I quickly packed my backpack and got dressed again.
"Are you leaving already?" I suddenly heard Simon's voice behind me. He stood in the doorway between the living room and the hallway, the party in full swing behind him. I couldn't read his expression.
"Yeah, unfortunately I'm not feeling well. But I'll see you on Monday at school."
"Okay, that's too bad. Have a good trip home and get well soon!"
"Thanks," I stammered, smiled at him a bit awkwardly, and turned to Lena, who said she would take me to the door.
"Bye," I quickly said to Simon; he smiled back at us, said "Bye, see you Monday," turned around, and went back to the others.
Finally outside in the fresh air, I felt a bit better again, and I noticed that I was regaining control over my body and calming down a bit.
"Can you make it home alone, or should I take you?" Lena asked now, still sounding a bit concerned.
"No, it's fine, thanks. Besides, I don't want to ruin your fun completely."
"Okay, as you wish. Maybe you'd like to meet again tomorrow, then you could tell me a bit more?"
"Let's see, if you want..." On one hand, I wanted to talk to her about it now that she knew, but on the other hand, the thought of discussing my being gay, which I had only accepted a few days ago, felt strange.
"Sure. If that's okay with you, of course. But you can really talk to me about anything."
"Thanks. And have fun with the others. See you tomorrow!"
"Good night, Paul. See you tomorrow!" Her gaze was loving, concerned, sad, and joyful all at once, and I would have loved to talk to her about all of it right then. After all, it probably wasn't easy for her either. But that could wait until tomorrow. I smiled gratefully at her, waved goodbye, and made my way home through the cold winter night.
"We all make a mess of our lives from time to time
It’s part of the process that you stumble as you climb
And if you ever feel the pain is far too big a deal
I say with pride I’ll be on your side
You’ve got a home here
Call it what you want, you’ve got a home here
You’re gonna want it when you can’t
face the world and you need some support to succeed
You’ve got a home"
Chapter 5
When I woke up the next morning – it was Saturday, which meant I didn’t have to get up in the middle of the night – I still hadn’t fully realized what had happened in the last few hours. My mother had been a bit surprised that I was home so early again, but she had bought my little white lie that I wasn’t feeling well and needed some rest. After I got ready for bed, I lay awake for a long time, feeling relieved about how my first outing had gone, but at the same time, doubts crept back in about whether it had been the right step or if I should have waited longer. I also worried about what would happen if all the other party guests found out somehow what had happened while I wasn’t there. That thought scared me quite a bit, but I tried to push it aside. Lena would never tell anyone, and no one could have overheard us, I thought, but an uneasy feeling remained. I finally fell asleep late at night.
At breakfast with my family the next morning, I wasn’t very talkative and my mind was on all sorts of other things. The others probably noticed, but fortunately, they didn’t bring it up. Everyone has a bad day sometimes.
After that, I checked my messages on my phone. At the top was one from Lena, asking if and when we wanted to meet today to talk. I suggested we could meet in the evening.
Additionally, Felix and, to my surprise, Simon had messaged me. Both seemed to want to know if I was feeling better. I didn’t open the messages, turned off my phone, packed my backpack, and took the subway to the city to take photos. I just needed to switch off, clear my head, and think about something else, and that worked best for me when I was wandering around with my camera in hand. I could deal with the others later; right now, I needed time for myself.
“Cross a windy bridge, one winter night
Past Embankment Gardens, enter warmth and light
Face the music (it’s never easy), forget the chill
Face the future (it’s never easy), find the will
If life is worth living, it’s got to be done
One might be forgiven for thinking it’s a life on the run
Many roads will cross through many lives
but somehow you survive”
In the evening, I met Lena for a walk. It was a bit uncomfortable due to the cold, but I didn’t want to meet at either of our homes or in a bar or café for fear of being overheard. Not that it was all that likely, but the risk felt too high. I was already struggling with the thought of even talking about it, as every thought that left my safe inner self as a word could theoretically come back to me someday.
Lena was already at our meeting point, standing in the glow of the streetlight with her jacket pulled up to the top.
I greeted her, and she seemed happy to see me. At least.
“How are you?” she asked.
Well, what was I supposed to say? On one hand, good, because she knew. And on the other hand, bad, because she knew. Complicated. To be honest, I didn’t even know the answer to the question myself.
“Um. Quite okay. At least I think so. It just feels extremely unusual that you know, and somehow the thought that it’s no longer a secret scares me. But I’m really grateful to you for reacting the way you did.”
“I understand. And… how did you… actually find out?” It seemed Lena was also struggling to find the right words, but her curiosity ultimately seemed to win out.
“Well, it had actually been obvious for a while that I just wasn’t really interested in girls and was in boys. If I had been honest with myself. But… I didn’t accept it; I didn’t want to be gay and tried to suppress it for two years, tried to convince myself that it couldn’t be true. I was just scared, and only recently did I slowly start to cautiously confront the topic. Probably because I wouldn’t have been able to hold out much longer otherwise. And eventually, my fear went away, and I could accept it for myself.”
“Oh, okay. I can imagine that it wasn’t easy…”
“Well…” Surprisingly, it felt good to talk to someone about what had been on my mind for so long and what had become my best-kept secret over time. So much so that I had even hidden and suppressed it from myself.
“Are you mad at me that nothing will come of us? I wanted it for a while, to be honest, but at some point, I just realized that it wouldn’t work. And eventually, I could also admit to myself why.” Even though it sounded strange – this question had been on my mind the whole time, as I somehow felt a twinge of guilt towards her.
"Well, ... as I said, I'm of course a bit disappointed because I didn't expect it. But somehow I already felt that you didn't want it; I just didn't know the reason, which was much worse for me. I'm actually a bit relieved that it's not my fault. But to be honest, you can't help it, so why should I be angry with you? I'm just happy for you that you've finally found yourself."
"Okay, good. I really wish you someone who can love you the way I couldn't!" I said, and even though that should have sounded pretty serious, I just couldn't help but grin at her playfully.
"Thanks." Lena laughed now too. That felt good and I liked it much better than the serious conversation we had before. "By the way, how did you even know that I wanted something from you? I mean, of course, I showed some tendencies, but was it really that obvious?"
"What? Of course it was obvious!" I couldn't help but laugh. "Felix has been telling me all the time what a perfect couple we would be. I'd rather not know what he thinks happened between us yesterday after I suddenly fled..."
"Oh." That seemed to embarrass her a bit now. "Yeah, that's true, he did look at me strangely a few times yesterday after I didn't want to say what happened, but I didn't think much of it..."
"Well, he's probably more my 'problem' in the future since I see him every day, and he definitely won't let it go that easily." I said. Well, if he just asks, he would eventually lose interest.
A cold gust of wind blew past us, causing the trees next to the sidewalk to sway restlessly. In the darkness, it looked almost ghostly. We walked a few meters silently beside each other, each lost in our thoughts.
"Is there actually someone else you have a crush on?" Lena suddenly asked. That came a bit unexpectedly, and I hadn't really thought about it myself, but...
"Well, ... um, no, not really..." I replied somewhat shyly.
"Sure? Maybe Simon?" She said it as a joke, but that hit the mark with me. I hadn't realized it myself, but now that she said it, I realized that I had been quite infatuated with him over the last few days and weeks. Embarrassing. Hopefully, I wasn't being as obvious as she was with me, because then I would have some problems.
"How did you come up with that?" I dared to ask cautiously, praying that she hadn't noticed how my voice had changed a bit, how I had become more tense.
"I think you looked at him strangely a few times yesterday. And he looked at you. But I might be mistaken, right?"
"Yeah, definitely." I tried to cover my embarrassment with a laugh, which seemed to convince her. Lucky me. Not that it would have been bad if she had known my next secret, but she didn't need to know everything. A man needs his secrets; I had read that somewhere.
We talked for a while about this and that, then we said goodbye and made our way home.
"Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself as I used to be
Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself haunting me
Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself wondering what to be
Looking back now, I can see, the ghost of myself searching for the key"
The next day was a Sunday and passed relatively quickly. I tried to distract myself by doing various things for school; otherwise, not much happened. I was a bit tense when I thought about the next day, as I didn't know what Felix, Simon, and Lukas would say. If they would say anything at all. From their perspective, not much had happened, yet I was still unsure.
Chapter 6
"We're meant to be friends, that's what it says in the script
Is it really the end if sometimes I stray just a bit?
Oh no! It should be poetry not prose
I'm in love with you, do you think it shows?
And everyone knows when they look at us
of course they do it must be obvious
I've never told you, now I suppose
that you're the only one who doesn't know"
(Pet Shop Boys – It must be obvious*)
At school, I was greeted by Felix, who immediately bombarded me with questions.
"Hey, what happened on Friday? Something else must have happened, right?
"No, I just suddenly didn't feel well..." I tried to deflect, but I couldn't talk my way out of it that quickly.
"Come on, something happened with Lena! Did you kiss? Or argue? I didn't get anything out of her on Friday, she just said I should ask you..."
"No, we didn't kiss, and everything is fine between us..."
"But would you like to kiss her?" Felix asked now. He had sensed an exciting topic, and generally, I could discuss the love lives of various people with him all day; it was usually fun. But not when it came to my own, and especially not if he could get closer to my secret.
"No, not really, but whatever..."
"No? Why not? You would fit so well together!"
"Well, no, we're just friends, nothing more."
"Are you sure? I somehow don't believe you. She looks good too, don't you think?" He just wouldn't give up, which I was already finding a little annoying on a Monday morning. It was exhausting.
"Yeah, I don't know, she does. But..." I didn't get any further, as Simon just walked into the classroom and approached us. I fell silent, but he seemed to have already caught on to what was going on.
"What, you don't know? Why not? She actually fits you really well..." he immediately chimed in – had everyone conspired against me now?
"Oh please, don't you start too..." I tried to fend him off, but it was probably too late.
"Imagine, he doesn't want to kiss her either," Felix interjected again.
"Really? You can't just let that opportunity pass by?" Simon grinned at me mischievously. I felt a bit worse again when I thought about whom I would actually like to kiss right now. That could not come out.
I was just thinking about how to get out of this embarrassing situation when our German teacher's arrival saved me once again. "Good morning," she announced in a voice that suggested it didn't feel like one to her. "I need some grades from you, which is why you will all be working on a project." She got straight to the point. "You will work in pairs; I have already assigned the teams to keep things from getting out of hand. Your topics are listed on the information sheet that I will hand out. Any questions?" No one raised their hand. "Who is excited and can't wait to get started?" Very funny. But fine, let's just do that too...
When she presented the group assignments she had set, I was quite surprised. I would be working with Simon. He immediately turned around and smiled at me.
Finally something positive. But at the same time, doubts crept back in. What if he started to suspect something? I definitely had to hold back on the infatuation, and overall, I should stop thinking about him, as that would lead to nothing. Except maybe to ruining the friendship. In the worst case.
We were to present the epoch of Expressionism in a presentation. Well, too soon to be happy. Simon came over to discuss our approach.
"How do you want to do this? I think we should at least meet once so we can handle everything together and prepare, right?" he suggested.
"Yeah, that's true. When would you have time?" I asked.
"Hm, maybe today? That would work well for me."
"Yeah, okay, it works for me too. Where should we meet?"
"I don't really care, but it might be a bit tricky at my place," he replied, looking at me questioningly.
"You can come over to my place if you want! My parents and my sister won't be home this afternoon anyway..." Did I really just invite him to my house? I wondered if that was such a good idea. But well, why not, we were only going to study anyway.
"Sure, I'd love to!" Simon said, beaming at me. If he only knew what havoc he was wreaking on me with that look...
"Would it be okay for you if I come right after school? Because it takes a bit of time for me to drive home and then to you," he asked.
"No problem, we can do it that way." That settled everything, and I spent the rest of the school day alternating between looking forward to the afternoon, feeling a bit anxious, and convincing myself that we just wanted to do schoolwork and that it was nothing special.
"In the air I can feel something magical becoming real
From the other side looking in
Come on throw the dice and tonight we’ll win
(Live it) It’s the story of our lives
(Don’t give it) It’s the way we’ve always been
Though the mountains may divide, we can reach the sea
And I believe, we can change, we can make it more than a dream
And I believe, we can change, it’s not as strange as it might seem”
(Pet Shop Boys – More than a dream*)
When the class finally ended, we went home together, talking about all sorts of topics on the S-Bahn, just not about the schoolwork we were supposed to be doing. Just like always. We laughed a lot, and I was relieved that I had no problem being alone with him or talking to him normally.
“Do you want to eat something?” I asked when we arrived at my place. Yes, a little snack wouldn’t be bad before we got to the mandatory part, we both thought, and so we spent a few fun minutes looking for something to eat, preparing it, and consuming it.
Afterward, we went to my room, but instead of doing German as planned, Simon first took a closer look at my shelves while we continued to chat.
Suddenly, he became serious again and asked, “Why don’t you want to be with Lena?” Just like that, without warning, and no longer teasing like in the morning in front of Felix and Lukas, but rather curious and interested.
The answer “because I’m gay” was out of the question, but otherwise, I realized that I wanted to tell him at least part of the truth. At least as much as possible. I don’t know why, but the situation was completely different than at school, where I usually just felt embarrassed.
“I don’t know. Do you know the feeling when you’re really in love with someone, when you can only think about that person and would give anything to get closer to them? I just don’t feel that with Lena. I like her; she’s a very good friend, but unfortunately, nothing more.” Wow. Did I just say that, someone who had never had a relationship in 17 years and was generally labeled as “unromantic” by his environment?
“Hmm, yeah, I think I understand what you mean. I know that feeling,” Simon replied, still serious.
“Really? What about you? Do you have a girlfriend?” I dared to ask.
“No, but…” he started, then fell silent in the middle of the sentence.
“But?” I cautiously probed – I had no idea where I suddenly found the courage.
“Well, the feeling you just described. There’s someone for me that fits that description…”
“Cool,” I just replied, as I was somewhere between curiosity, hope, and disappointment.
“And what about you? Is there someone…?” Simon asked, looking at me seriously and questioningly. His gaze was somehow strange and hard to interpret.
“Hmm, yeah. I think so, but…” I stammered, as that was getting closer to the truth than I actually wanted. But something inside me compelled me not to change the subject as I would have liked to, but to hold his gaze.
Simon looked at me slightly sadly, then tried a smile, which didn’t really convince me. The situation was strange; I was sitting on my desk chair, he was on my bed only about a meter away. Somehow, I was extremely tense, I felt hot, and I noticed I was starting to tremble slightly.
“Paul…?” Simon began, but then he stopped, looked to the side, and said, “Sorry, maybe this is getting too personal; let’s leave it.”
“No, it’s okay, go ahead,” I replied, trying to make my voice sound friendly and not too nervous.
“You know, well… the person I meant… is you,” he murmured quietly, avoiding looking at me. I was speechless and couldn’t believe he had just said that. Could it really be that my deepest dreams were coming true right now?
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that… Maybe I should just go?” Simon asked now, tense, as I needed to process the information and couldn’t say anything yet.
“No, it’s okay… you know… I feel the same way…” I finally stammered and looked uncertainly at Simon, who now also looked quite surprised. Then I stood up, walked over to him, sat down next to him, and cautiously put my arm around his shoulder to comfort him and also to assure myself that it wasn’t a dream.
Simon also seemed to slowly realize what had just happened. He still looked at me uncertainly and asked, “Really?”
“Yes. That’s also the reason why nothing will happen with Lena. I… am gay.” Although he probably already figured that out himself, I still found it extremely difficult to say those words.
Now his expression brightened a bit; the tension seemed to fall away from him.
“Well, me too,” he mumbled, embarrassed.
And then we embraced, cuddled up to each other, and let ourselves sink back onto the bed. It felt incredibly and indescribably beautiful to be so close to him, to feel his body and to slowly stroke him. We looked into each other’s eyes, smiled at each other, and then our faces came closer together and we kissed. Once. Twice. And a little more often. This was surely one of the most beautiful moments of my life so far, and it felt so extremely good that I might as well not even start to describe it, as there are truly no words for this feeling. This must be what "happiness" feels like.
“A nervous boy in several ways
I never knew the world could operate this way
I was nervous when we stopped to speak
and the world came crashing around my feet
We don’t talk of love, we’re much too shy
but nervously we wonder when and why”
I felt how the constant touches all over my body excited me more and more, and Simon seemed to feel similarly. So it was only a matter of time before our hands began to explore the more intimate areas. Before I could no longer think clearly from excitement, I interrupted the stroking for a brief moment and looked at Simon uncertainly. “Should we stop?” I asked him slightly nervously. I didn’t want to push him into anything he might regret later. Instead of answering, he just smiled at me happily, shook his head, and continued with his caresses, which now dangerously aimed toward my groin. He commented on this with a cheeky grin, and I just had to kiss him again. I think I was in love.
Later, we both lay still on my bed for several minutes, trying to comprehend what had just happened, then I turned on my side and kissed him. He still felt just as incredible as at the beginning. I would have never thought it possible that I could feel something like this.
“I don’t know why
it always comes as a surprise
to find I’m here with you
You smile and I am rubbing my eyes
at a dream come true”
After we had gotten dressed again after a while, we realized it had gotten quite late. Of course, we hadn’t done any German, but at that moment, we both didn’t care at all!
“I think I love you!” I whispered softly into his ear, to which he smiled at me, kissed me again, and said, “I love you too.”
Of course, there were plenty of questions we wanted to ask each other, but since he had to go home soon, we decided to wait until the next day.
“I don’t think I can pretend nothing happened at school tomorrow,” Simon said as we said goodbye, and I had to agree with him.
“Whatever, it just has to work. No one can notice anything,” I said. He nodded seriously, and then he left after we kissed one more time to say goodbye.
When my parents and sister came home a little later, I had already cleared away all possible traces and acted as if nothing had happened, which they bought, even though the others were surely wondering why I was suddenly so unusually cheerful.
“You can live your life lonely, heavy as stone
Live your life learning and working alone
Say this is all you want, but I don’t believe that it’s true
‘cause when you least expect it, waiting round the corner for you
Love comes quickly, whatever you do, you can’t stop falling
Love comes quickly, whatever you do, you can’t stop falling
I know it sounds ridiculous but speaking from experience
It may seem romantic and that’s no defence
love will always get to you”

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#2
2025-07-10, 01:23 PM 
Pat 2 Chapter 2
"Give me hope. Give me all your love
Tell me now my luck is in tonight
Is this real? Can I learn to trust
how I feel? Does darkness end in light?
Never been closer to heaven
Never been closer to heaven"
(The next morning, I arranged to meet Simon before class. We met at the subway and then walked together to school. In public, we naturally behaved as if we were still just friends, even though it was really hard for me not to get closer to him. But we both knew it was necessary because if someone had caught us, the likelihood that everyone would know soon wouldn’t have been low.
“Just imagine if Jan found out.” Simon joked. We had known Jan for two years; he was in our class, but we weren't friends with him. He could be nice, but primarily he was unfortunately quite annoying, as he would suck up to everyone only to gossip about them later. The most important thing for him was information. He knew everything that was going on at that school with teachers or students and usually wasted no time in sharing that news with anyone who wanted to know or even those who didn’t. A few decades ago, he would have made a perfect Stasi informant, but he would have needed to work on his inconspicuousness. So if he had caught wind of us, we would probably have been outed in front of the entire school within five minutes. Almost at least.
“Oh yes, one more reason to be careful. I won’t give him the satisfaction.” I replied, grinning at him. A discreet "buddy" grin, but in truth, I was already imagining what we could do this afternoon if we wanted to meet again to study German. He was really tempting.
When we entered the classroom together, no one seemed to suspect anything. It wasn’t unusual for two friends to come in together, even if we had never done that before. Only Felix looked at us with a slightly suspicious glance when we greeted him after we stopped teasing each other.
“Well, you guys are in a good mood.” he commented. Then he took his phone out of his pocket, tapped on it briefly, and finally showed me an Instagram picture of a girl our age who looked vaguely familiar.
“Look, she looks really good, right?” he grinned at me. Well, to be honest, I couldn’t find much to appreciate about her, maybe because she wasn’t a boy. But of course, he shouldn’t find that out. Not yet at least.
“Yeah, she’s okay. Who is she?”
“What do you mean, okay? Paul, you can’t be serious, right?” he laughed now, but before I could respond, he continued talking. He was probably quite happy that I obviously wasn’t into her. “That’s Alina, she was in our parallel class in secondary school.”
“Ah, right, now that you mention it. What about her?”
“Well, I ran into her while shopping yesterday, and we recognized each other and talked a bit. And then she suddenly messaged me on Instagram in the evening. Maybe something will come of it…”
“Cool, I wish you good luck.” I said and was genuinely happy for him. As long as he wouldn’t constantly ask me how pretty I thought she was.
This conversation had kept me from smiling at Simon for quite a while, but that was probably for the best because otherwise, it would eventually become noticeable. He was also looking for some distraction by discussing the Bundesliga games from the last weekend with Lukas. However, he was still glancing in my direction, and when our eyes briefly met, he secretly smiled at me, and I just melted away.
“Every time I see you something happens to me
like a chain reaction between you and me
My heart starts missing a beat
every time”
“Paul? Paul!” Felix suddenly pulled me out of my thoughts. Confused, I looked at him. What was going on?
“Sorry, what’s up? I guess I wasn’t paying attention…” I stammered.
“I noticed that, with the way you were staring off into space.”
Oops, was it that obvious?
“What’s wrong with you anyway? You’ve been acting kind of strange for a few days.” Felix said now, looking at me scrutinizingly. It’s tough when you’ve known each other for so long; it becomes increasingly difficult to hide something from the other.
“Everything’s fine, don’t worry.” I replied somewhat dismissively.
“Really? You can talk to me if something’s up, okay?” Felix’s expression was unusually serious, and for a brief moment, I felt guilty for keeping something from him.
“Thanks,” I just said. Sooner or later, I would have to tell him, but not just yet."
The school day started with an English lesson that dragged on forever. During the break, I quickly checked if I had new messages on DBNA, where I had signed up a few days ago to exchange problems with like-minded people. Of course, I was careful and checked beforehand if anyone was watching me in the classroom before I opened the page on my phone. After that, I joined a conversation among the other three, where Simon and I managed quite well not to grin at each other constantly. We were just good.
After a few more hours, it was finally time to go home. Simon came with me again today to do German. We couldn't go to his place because some of his family were home, and we would have been much less able to concentrate there.
“Didn’t you finish yesterday?” Felix asked us surprised on the way home. He and Lukas had already completed their assignment yesterday, which indicated that they hadn’t had nearly as much fun as we did.
“No, unfortunately not, we got a bit distracted yesterday,” Simon admitted, although he wisely didn’t mention how.
Once home, we could hardly wait to get out of the "buddy mode" and fell into each other's arms as soon as the door was closed. We kissed passionately and almost ended up doing it in the hallway, but then we managed to pull away from each other for a moment and go to my room. Once there, there was no stopping us, and we rolled around on my bed, kissing, touching each other passionately, and slowly undressing each other until we were lying naked next to each other again. It ended pretty much the same way as yesterday, and it was at least just as beautiful.
Afterward, we pulled ourselves together and quickly finished our German work. We were done pretty quickly, and I openly admit that I had prepared much better presentations in my school career, but to be honest, we didn’t care.
Once we had completed our obligations, we retreated back to the bed, but since my sister and parents would be home soon, we cuddled while still dressed and started to clarify some open questions.
“Since when do you actually know that you’re gay?” I asked Simon after we had briefly stopped kissing.
“For about a year. It took me a while to get to that point and accept it.”
“Yeah, I felt the same way. To be honest, I could only really admit it to myself last week; before that, I had suppressed it as well as I could for two years.”
“Last week? That was pretty quick for you?” he grinned at me. How I loved that look.
“True. I still can’t believe my luck!” I laughed.
“I’m really glad it turned out this way. I was pretty shocked at first when I had to keep staring at you in school, and you wouldn’t leave my mind, but I just liked you too much to forget about it,” he suddenly said seriously again.
“I felt the same way. Basically, you’re to blame for me admitting that I’m gay at all. I was constantly distracted because you were sitting in front of me, and every time you turned around, it felt so strange.” We both had to laugh.
I rolled onto him and kissed him, and I noticed that he was already as stiff as I was again. It’s really exhausting as a teenager. Since I hadn’t heard anything from my family so far, I slipped my hand into his underwear and stroked him there.
“Are you sure this is a good idea? If you keep going like this, it’ll be hard to suddenly stop,” Simon moaned excitedly.
Unfortunately, he was right, but at certain moments, it’s incredibly hard to stay reasonable. Well...
“The night, the stars. A light shone through the dark
All the way back home at midnight, you were sleeping on my shoulder
Take my hand, don’t think of hesitation
Now, right now, your love is liberation”
Chapter 2
"You can sneer or disappear behind a veneer of self-control
But for all of those who don’t fit in
who follow their instincts and are told they sin
this is a prayer for a different way"
(Pet Shop Boys – A red letter day*)
When I woke up the next morning, a new WhatsApp from Lena popped up.
"Hey, how are you? Anything new?" she asked. I replied that indeed there was, but I wanted to tell her in person, so I kept her hanging a little longer. Which might have been a bit mean, I admit, but in my defense, I must say it was just too early in the morning. One tends to let others suffer for the sake of justice. Besides, I really wanted to tell her about Simon and me in person, if only to protect him.
At breakfast, I felt like this day was going to be pretty good. It didn't happen often that I went to school in a good mood, but today was an exception, which in retrospect was particularly cruel, as it meant I was brought back down to reality even more harshly.
When I entered the classroom, it felt like all eyes were on me. A bit confused, I walked to my seat. Felix was already waiting for me, looking at me with a mix of disappointment, anger, and pity, which made me feel even more insecure.
"Is it true?" he greeted me immediately. His voice sounded distant and hard to interpret.
"What?" I asked, but inside I was filled with dread. No. That couldn't be. Please, no.
At the other end of the room, I heard someone giggling; Jan was whispering with a friend, and the two of them glanced over at me sneakily, turning away grinning when they realized I was looking at them in confusion.
"Jan says you're gay. Someone he knows found your profile on some gay platform," Felix informed me. He sounded accusatory.
Everything inside me spun; I felt hot and dizzy. No, no, no, this couldn't be. Not now. Not like this. I had to get out of here, no matter what the others would think, I just needed to get away from here.
Without answering Felix, I turned around and rushed to the door. Finally in the hallway, I heard laughter behind me. I knew it would have been better to stay and explain myself, as I might have been able to turn the situation to my advantage and maintain my dignity, but I couldn't do that. Once outside, I ran to the small park near the school and desperately sank onto one of the benches.
I was on the verge of tears and sad because I felt betrayed by the class; at the same time, I was angry with Jan. How could he? This time he had gone too far.
My watch showed it was eight o'clock, but I couldn't muster the strength to go back to the classroom, so I sat in the cold and tried to calm down. What could I do? Go home and never come back? Tempting, but at least the latter was out of the question; I quickly realized that I couldn't run away from my problems forever. And if I went home now, a day would pass where the news would circulate without me being able to defend myself in any way. But what could I do about it? It would happen anyway.
And what if I went back in and confessed to them all that it was true; that I was gay? What would happen? Surely there would be one or two who would have a problem with it, but I didn't care about those. Most in the class generally had no issue with gay people; I knew that by now from various discussions about the topic in class. If I went in and explained myself, they probably wouldn't have a problem with it; if I ran away, they might label me a coward, and it would be even harder in the future. Objectively speaking, it was clear that there was only one reasonable option, but I needed courage for that. And I was scared.
And what about Simon? If I came out in front of the class and he still spent so much time with me afterward, rumors could quickly arise that he was gay too. Which was true, but first of all, it was nobody's business, and second, it would be terrible for him.
While I continued to ponder the problem, I didn't initially notice someone approaching me and sitting down next to me on the bench. Startled, I turned around. It was Simon.
"Hey," he said cautiously.
As I looked into his worried face, everything suddenly overwhelmed me, and I began to cry quietly. I didn't want this, not in front of him, but I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. He wrapped his arms around me and comforted me, which made me feel better right away.
"What do you want to do?" he asked me seriously when I had calmed down again.
"I don't know. I probably should face them, but I'm afraid. I just want to get away from here."
"I think you should go back in. It won't help anymore; you have to face them and win them over to your side, or else Jan will win." I was surprised that Simon saw it so clearly.
"Do you think? I thought so too, but what about you? What if they think you're gay too, if we keep spending so much time together?"
"If we do, then we'll just ask them if they've ever heard of friendship," he replied cheekily. "No, seriously, I don't think that's going to happen. At least, no one will say it out loud. And maybe I'll tell them someday when I'm ready. But for now, it's about you, so let the possible consequences be my problem!"
"Thank you," I mumbled. Simon was right; I couldn't put this off any longer, whether I wanted to or not. I stood up, and together we walked back to school.
"Tonight the streets are full of actors, I don’t know why
Oh take these dogs away from me, before they, they bite
Tonight I fought and made my mind up, I know it’s right
I know these dogs still snap around us, but I can, I can fight
If I was you, if I was you, I wouldn’t treat me the way you do
If I was you, if I was you, I wouldn’t treat me the way you do, you
I’m not scared, baby, I don’t care
I’d go anywhere, baby, I’m not scared"

As Simon and I entered the classroom, all eyes turned to us. No one said a word; they just stared. Even Felix, Lukas, and some others I got along with very well. That hurt the most. I was infinitely grateful that at least Simon was by my side.
"Paul, where have you been?" Mr. Bergmüller, our economics teacher, greeted me. "Did something happen?"
Now would have been the right time to take the plunge and confirm the rumor, but suddenly I couldn't do that anymore. So I nodded silently and quickly went to my seat, avoiding the gazes of my classmates. Mr. Bergmüller watched me with a furrowed brow and looked concerned. I just wanted to sink into the ground; the courage I had talked myself into on the way back inside had suddenly vanished. I realized I was shaking all over. To escape the curious looks around me, I stared at the wall with a frozen expression.
"Paul, it really isn’t my business, and I don't want to intrude, but I overheard what rumor is going around here. You don’t have to say anything, because if it were true, it’s nobody’s business here, but you can feel free to do so," he said. He looked at me understandingly, and I was reminded once again why he had been one of my favorite teachers for some time.
Now or never, I thought. I nodded to him, stood up, and faced the class. All eyes were on me; some looks seemed curious, others mocking, and many sympathetic. I glanced briefly at Simon, and he smiled encouragingly at me.
"Yes, so guys, I think everyone has heard what Jan had to say," I began cautiously. I would have loved to glare at him angrily and tell him to his face how much I despised him for it, but I couldn't do that, because then I would probably have started crying in front of the whole class. So I directed my gaze outside the window, watching a small bird that had just landed in the branches of the tree in front of the school building and was hopping around cheerfully. It's strange; no matter how bad you feel, the world keeps turning as if nothing has happened.
"Putting aside the fact that it's absolutely awful to spread something like this, he is right. I... am gay." I stammered the last words, even though I tried to make my voice sound as firm as possible. A murmur went through the class. "And if anyone has a problem with that, please say so now, because I certainly won't deny myself in the future," I added. Well, that sounded at least a bit combative, and I even dared to look at the class while saying those words.
After that, I quickly made my way back to my seat, as I had just realized what I had done. I wanted to sink into the ground; I felt so embarrassed suddenly.
The class still sat there in silence, but suddenly the first people began to clap slowly. I didn't understand what was happening at first and just wanted to get away when Mr. Bergmüller suddenly raised his voice.
"Thank you, Paul, for your honest words; that was really brave of you, even if you were more or less forced to do it," he said. Then he turned to the class. "I can see that most of you seem to support him, and if there are still people who find homosexuality strange, I ask those individuals to think about it quietly for a moment. No one chooses this voluntarily, and it’s nothing unnatural! I'm sure Paul hasn’t always had it easy, so please don’t make his life any harder."
The class applauded again, and I slowly began to understand what that meant. I gradually lifted my gaze, looked around, and saw many friendly and encouraging faces. Anna, who was our class representative, also stood up.
"I think it's brave of you to have faced the class, even though it surely wasn't easy. And I believe I speak for most of us when I say that we will continue to stand by you, because you are still a part of this class and you haven't suddenly changed; you are still the same as you were yesterday," she said. "And I also want to emphasize once again that it is absolutely not okay to expose someone against their will in front of everyone. Because it really only concerns him whether and when he tells someone." Anna looked at no one in particular as she said this, but it was obvious that she meant Jan, who had been sitting quietly in his seat and whose stupid, sensationalist grin was gradually fading. I couldn't help it; for a brief moment, I had to grin, no matter how uncomfortable the situation actually was.
"Thank you," I said then, still unable to fully grasp that most people's reactions were so positive. Even Felix and Lukas, whose reactions mattered most to me, looked at me kindly. However, Felix's gaze was still slightly distant, and I realized that I definitely needed to talk to him about it after school.
After that, most people had calmed down again, and we eventually continued with the lesson. I still felt my classmates' eyes on me, but I pretended not to notice and stared intently at the board. In this way, the school day passed more or less quickly. During breaks, I barricaded myself behind my phone—it was obvious that some people would have liked to talk to me, but I wasn't ready for that yet. Simon smiled at me lovingly a few times, but I didn't talk to him either, partly to avoid any possible gossip about him, at least on the first day.
After school, I packed my things and waited for Felix after briefly saying goodbye to Lukas and Simon. The latter would, of course, come over to my place today, but we had secretly agreed via WhatsApp during the break that he would let me talk to Felix in peace first after class. It was important to me to resolve the issues with him, as he was one of my best friends, and I couldn't bear it if something changed between us now.
When Felix had finished packing, most of the other students had already left the classroom, which suited me just fine. Felix looked at me as if he had just noticed that I was waiting for him. He seemed surprised, after all, I hadn't wanted to talk to anyone during the previous breaks.
I smiled at him sadly but didn't quite know how to start the conversation. I was somehow afraid of it. What if it went wrong? What would happen to our friendship then?
"I don't mind that you're gay," he said suddenly. "On the contrary, at least you can't steal my girlfriend from me," he added with a grin. Well, that was a decent start. I smiled back a bit more relaxed.
"You know, I was pretty shocked this morning when that idiot Jan came up to me right after I arrived and had to rub it in my face. And I was a bit disappointed that you hadn't told me yet; I thought we were friends and could tell each other everything, so it felt like you didn't trust me. But I've been able to think about it a bit now, and I've realized that you were just afraid and that it's not easy to find the right moment for it. That's why I might not have reacted the way I should have at first, I'm sorry!"
I was momentarily speechless. I would have never thought that he didn't care at all whether I was gay or not and that his only problem was that I hadn't confided in him sooner. I couldn't help it; I just had to smile, I was so happy about his words.
"Thank you! It's not something to take for granted that you handle it so calmly. It really means a lot to me!" I said somewhat shyly. "And yes, maybe it would have been better to talk to you about it earlier, but as you said, I was just afraid. And besides, I couldn't even admit it to myself until recently; I just didn't want to be gay, I didn't want to face it. But I would have told you eventually, once I had gotten more used to it, I promise!"
"Come here, Paul!" he simply replied, grinning and pulling me into a hug. Wow, that must really mean something; we normally never hugged because boys just didn't do that. It felt like our friendship was stronger than ever before.
"By the way, you don't have to be afraid of me in the future, okay? I'm not into you or anything, and even if I were, friendship would be much more important to me!" That was still important to me because I could understand that many boys might have feared something like that, even if they would never admit it.
"Oh come on, of course I'm not afraid of you, or would I have just hugged you otherwise?" he grinned at me.
After that, we made our way home in surprisingly good spirits, something I would have never thought possible just a few hours earlier. On the way, he asked me all sorts of things that interested him on the topic, for example, how one finds out that they are gay or since when I knew. As before with Lena, it felt good to be able to talk so openly and honestly with him about it.
"If I’d had my way, this would have happened much sooner
but until that day, it was only a rumour
All at once, you changed my life
and led me into paradise
where I had to do, what I wanted to
I react when I hear people ask
Was it worth it? Yes, it’s worth living for
Was it worth it? Yes, it’s worth giving more
I reserve the right to live
my life this way and I don’t give
a damn when I hear people say
I’ll pay the price that others pay
‘Cause it’s worth it! Yes, it’s worth living for
‘Cause it’s worth it! Yes, it’s worth giving more"
Chapter 3
"You may think I’m strong and I can do no wrong
but I’m vulnerable, so vulnerable without you
I may be hard to take but you can’t call me fake
‘cause I’m vulnerable, so vulnerable, without you"
When I got home, I avoided my mother, who had the day off. Yes, it had gone surprisingly well, at least as far as my classmates were concerned, and I was really happy about Felix's reaction, but still, a certain despair spread within me again. I could never face them as carefree as before, because I would probably always feel that they saw me now only as "the gay one" and no longer as Paul, no matter what the others really thought.
This thought scared me, and so I retreated to my room, lay down on my bed, and listened to songs through my headphones that matched my mood and that I simply felt like hearing. After "Happiness is an option" by the Pet Shop Boys, I was at least not quite as downcast anymore, and I began to think about my situation.
All the time, a thought had pressed upon me, but only now did I dare to allow it: How should I deal with my parents? Sure, I could just continue as before and come out to them only when I felt it was appropriate, but on the other hand, too many people knew by now. I definitely trusted Lena, Felix, Lukas, and Simon not to say anything, but what if my parents ran into someone at a parents' evening or some other event who unintentionally let something slip? Or if they found out through other means? Sure, the chance of that happening was low, but it was there. And then? Would I be cornered again just like this morning at school, and I definitely did not want to experience that again.
The alternative would be to tell them as soon as possible, which would also be uncomfortable, but at least I would be doing it voluntarily and could at least somewhat set the conditions myself.
I sent Lena a WhatsApp and asked her if we could meet again tonight because I needed to talk to her. I had the feeling that she would know exactly what to do now.
However, Simon would come over to me again first, and I would also like to ask him for his opinion. If there was time to talk…
"Why do you want to sit alone in gothic gloom
surrounded by the ghosts of love that haunt your room?
Somewhere there’s a different door to open wide
You gotta throw those skeletons out of your closet and come outside"
After Simon and I finished with our urges about an hour later, I brought up the topic.
"Yes, I think you should tell your parents soon, after what happened today," Simon said seriously. "Jan will end up visiting your parents to ask if they already know," he added with a slight grin.
"Oh God, don’t say that, he might actually do it," I groaned. "That’s not funny."
"No, rather sad. But that makes it almost funny," Simon replied and then smiled encouragingly at me. "Come on, you have to think more positively. What happened has happened, and you can’t change it. But you can be glad that the class stands so firmly behind you. And your parents will stand behind you too, I’m sure of that. And once you have it behind you, much will change for the better – for example, you can talk to them much more openly."
"Hm, you’re probably right," I said, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling lamp.
"As always," Simon teased me now and gently poked me in the side.
"Hey, what does that mean?" I replied, feigning outrage and rolling onto him, ready to tickle him immediately if he made another cheeky comment.
"Nothing," he grinned at me and kissed me. He obviously knew how to escape his just punishment.
"Summer sands have lost their charm, let ‘em go
Autumn winds will do no harm, let ‘em blow
Save up all your dreams, oh save them, save them
Live beyond your means but keep your dreams
Won’t you?
You go from A to B to C, on demand
like algebra or geometry, diagrammed
Your resolution’s weak, but we’re not all damned
The future’s not so bleak in this wasteland
when always, always
summer comes, always"
In the evening, I went for a walk with Lena again.
She was happy to see me and asked why I wanted to meet.
"It’s complicated…" I began.
"Don’t worry, I have time."
So I told her everything. About Simon, how one thing led to another, and that we were now together. "I knew there was more between you! I felt that from the very beginning," she grinned at me. "I’m happy for you!"
"Thanks." I still felt a little guilty towards her, but her joy seemed genuine. And that’s exactly why I liked her so much.
"How's it going with you? Is there anyone...?" I asked now. I actually wanted to tell about the somewhat unpleasant turns of today's school day, but suddenly I didn't want to just talk about my problems all the time, and besides, I was really interested.
"Hm, I don't think so," Lena said. "But that's not a big deal. I really liked you, so I just need some time to think about it. Everything else will come back soon enough."
"I'm really sorry. You know, if I ever wanted to have a girlfriend, it would be you!"
"Oh, don't say that. Who knows how you would be if you were into girls..." she teased me now. "And besides, you don't have to apologize, you didn't do anything wrong. Yes, it wasn't easy for me at first, but that's my problem. And the longer I think about it, the more I appreciate that we are such good friends. That might be more valuable in the long run than some relationships."
"I'm also glad to have you as a friend," I said and looked at her gratefully. "Who else would I tell all my problems to?" I grinned at her.
"You too." Lena's eyes sparkled mockingly as she said that. Then she fell silent for a moment and asked again, somewhat more seriously: "Are there any problems right now?"
That was the right moment to tell her about the events today at school. She seemed visibly shocked by it. In the end, I told her about my consideration of telling my parents.
"Yeah, I think you should do that soon," she said. "It could be that you're lucky and they never find out, but if it does happen..." She didn't finish that sentence.
"Yeah. If I tell them myself, at least I can determine the circumstances under which I come out. If they find out by chance at some point, it will feel like today at school again."
"If you want, I can come by and support you," Lena offered.
"Thanks for the offer! I'll think about it." However, I knew that I would probably have to go through that alone.
After that, we talked for a while about other news before saying goodbye to each other. Have I mentioned that summer is just the cooler season? Just the fact that you can be outside without having to worry about freezing...
Once home, I went to bed relatively soon after taking a quick shower. In the dark, I reflected on today's events again. The day had started as perhaps the worst of my life, but in the end, things hadn't turned out badly at all. And Lena had just reinforced my decision to come out to my parents soon. Surprisingly satisfied, I finally fell asleep.
"And we were never holding back or worried that
time would come to an end
We were always hoping that, looking back
you could always rely on a friend."
Chapter 4
The next day was a Thursday, so the weekend was approaching quickly. Generally, that was something very positive, but I had resolved to talk to my parents about this occasion.
They had probably already noticed that something had happened, because yesterday at dinner I had understandably been rather quiet and thoughtful, even for my standards.
"Is something wrong?" my mother asked me when I ran into her this morning just before I had to leave. I must have looked somewhat depressed, as she first hugged me before continuing, "Are you not feeling well, Paul? You know you can always come to us, okay big guy?" she said, looking me in the eyes. By now, she had to look slightly up since I had already surpassed her in height over the past few years. How convenient that I was already hanging my head, so I had the right angle.
I smiled at her somewhat painfully. "I know, Mom," I replied briefly. Of course, this might have been the perfect opportunity to tell her the truth, but I didn't want to do that right before going to school. At least that’s what I told myself. The truth was probably more that the newfound courage I had gained last night had already abandoned me overnight.
"Good luck, bad luck, waiting in a line
It takes more than the matter of time
Someone told me Monday, someone told me Saturday
Wait until tomorrow and there’s still no way
Read it in a book, or write it in a letter
Wake up in the morning and there’s still no guarantee
There is still no guarantee"
When I arrived at school, I became a bit nervous again. Yes, the class had reacted positively to my forced coming out yesterday, and I knew I could rely on most of them. But of course, there were also a few classmates I wasn't so sure about, foremost Jan. I didn’t think he was mean or anything, and I believe he didn’t have a problem with me being gay; that wasn’t the issue at all. He just thrived on bragging about information, acquiring it, and then spreading it. It must have been some sort of hobby for him.
Guess how likely it was that he hadn’t told anyone after yesterday. Right, close to zero. And no, there’s no prize for those who guessed correctly…
So it was quite understandable that I was tense as I walked through the crowd of students waiting at the entrance, always with the feeling of being secretly stared at from all sides. Admittedly, most of the others at this school didn’t know me anyway; it was just too big for that, but still, it felt that way.
As I entered the classroom, I lowered my gaze and tried to appear as inconspicuous as possible. Upon reaching my seat, I greeted Felix with a nod before I hid behind my phone. I actually didn’t know exactly why I was so nervous and didn’t want much contact with the others, but I probably just wanted to wait until they all forgot about it eventually. Really great strategy.
But I had to look up when Simon entered the classroom because he looked too good for me to look away. He smiled at me, and when I thought about what we had done together yesterday, which no one here had any idea about, I couldn’t help but grin.
"And I was already afraid you had been replaced by a robot, but apparently, you do show emotions after all..." came a comment from Felix next to me, who had probably just been waiting for an opportunity to talk to me. Well, I thought, why hide anymore? It didn’t matter anyway.
"Actually, I am a very advanced robot model, which is why I can convincingly display various human emotions," I replied, pretending to be serious. Felix looked at me in relief – everything was as it had always been between us.
"Oh, right, I should have figured that out. My mistake," he said before he grinned at me amusedly. "You don’t have to hide, Paul, it’s okay, trust me. Just be yourself, be the way you’ve always been until yesterday, then no one here will suddenly see you with different eyes," he whispered, suddenly serious again – apparently, he had been a bit worried. "Okay, almost no one at least…" he added.
"Thanks," I replied, meaning it. He seemed to know exactly what had been bothering me even before I was fully aware of it myself. "You’re right!"
"Anytime, that’s what friends are for. And of course, I’m right, as I usually am…"
"Same to you," I replied, pretending to be offended, but in fact, I felt much better after this short conversation. Simon, who had been secretly watching us from his seat, gave me a barely visible thumbs up and smiled encouragingly at me.
"It’s a long way to happiness, a long way to go
but I’m gonna get there, boy, the only way I know."
Until the lesson began, I continued to chat with Felix about all sorts of everyday things, just like we used to. We didn't mention yesterday or anything related to it anymore; we had come to a silent agreement that everything that needed to be said had been said, that Felix had no problem with it, and that everything between us remained as it was before.
At some point, Lukas and Simon also joined our conversation, with Lukas not saying anything more about my being gay; he just treated it normally, which I was secretly very glad about.
And Simon occasionally grinned at me conspiratorially – secretly, of course, but in the end, I worried whether it was becoming too obvious that there was more going on.
The rest of the school day was quite uneventful; the lessons were about as exciting as ever, and I tried to behave as I usually did during breaks, which I mostly managed. We also chatted with other classmates, just like before, and none of them suddenly seemed to treat me differently. At least, none of them showed it openly.
Jan, on the other hand, was surprisingly quiet today for his standards; he didn’t try to engage others in conversation like he usually did, but sat most of the time in his seat. He didn’t look at me even once, which was fine by me. I thought to myself that he was almost pitiful. Jan had never really been popular; unfortunately, he had a very annoying way about him. Well, perhaps he couldn’t help it, but could we help that we couldn’t stand his antics? I wondered if there was a way for the class to change their behavior towards him so that he felt less excluded. On the other hand, why should we do that? Do you have to like people you can’t stand for good reasons? A difficult question, and the longer I thought about it, the less I could blame Jan for outing me. What else could he do? Almost no one liked him because of his annoying behavior, which seemed like a constant struggle for attention, and he responded with an escalation of that behavior to get noticed by us. A vicious cycle, I realized, that apparently couldn’t be broken.
I pondered the problem for a while longer but concluded that while I felt somewhat sorry for him, it wasn’t my job to change things. Not after yesterday. I also resolved to talk to him reasonably if he ever approached me about it and not to hate him from now on.
“I don’t speak the language
I can’t understand a word
Where angels fear to tread
I’ve sometimes walked, and tried to talk
but how can I be heard, in such a world
when I am lost?
I’m doing what I do, to see me through
I’m going out, and carrying on as normal”
Since we didn’t have afternoon classes on Thursdays, I went home quite early. Since Simon, for once, didn’t come over, I had enough time to take care of necessary schoolwork and do things in my free time that had nothing to do with being gay or coming out.
I also tried to push aside my planned conversation with my parents; I would deal with that tomorrow. All in all, I was surprisingly happy that afternoon, and I wondered if this state could last permanently? If so, then the efforts would be worth it.
At dinner, I appeared with a smile, unlike yesterday, which seemed to calm Mom and Dad. I noticed them exchanging a slightly astonished glance before they smiled back, obviously satisfied.
As usual, my sister Marie took the lead in the conversation at the table while the rest of us mostly listened, amused, to her account of her school day.
“And Paul, now tell us, how was your school day?” my mother asked at some point. “You seem so cheerful…” she explained her question. Really, as if I were never cheerful otherwise…
“Oh, there wasn’t anything special, everything’s fine so far,” I replied briefly, which was technically true – today had really been normal again. And that was lesson one from the category “How to lie to my parents without really lying.”
My mother shot me a suspicious glance – obviously, she didn’t completely buy it – but then left it at that. I firmly resolved to talk to both of them tomorrow.
Later that evening, I thought about how much my life had changed in the last two weeks. Just a few days ago, I could barely admit to myself that I was gay, and now I had accidentally found a boyfriend and had come out to the whole class. Such things usually only happened in books or movies, I thought before finally falling asleep.
“Shadows start to fall, bringing on the night
We’re sitting in the dark, let’s not turn on the light
It feels so good to be, just the two of us
Anyone else around would be superfluous
Although the dark is leaving its mark, it’s not gonna last.”
"So let’s enjoy the night, until it gets light, it happens so fast
Don’t be scared, for only the dark, can show you the stars
I’ll be there, the moment the dark, reopens your heart”

Chapter 5
Finally Friday. Although I already knew that my weekend could be stressful, I was looking forward to it like any normal student, if only because I wouldn't have to get up early for two days.
However, today I had to bite the bullet one more time, so I got it over with quickly and painlessly. The first two periods passed pleasantly fast, mainly because Mr. Krämer, our math teacher, wasn't really in the mood for teaching either.
During the break, I wanted to drop something off in the staff room. Since we were located in a separate building a bit away from the school grounds, I had to walk a short distance. I had just turned from the street onto the sports field in front of the school building when someone called out to me from behind.
"Paul, wait a moment..." It was Jan.
I slowly turned to him. He stood a few steps away from me, as if he didn't want to impose too much. His facial expression looked uncertain and showed a certain shame. Good, because even though I mainly felt sorry for him, I still wanted him to realize what he had done.
"What do you want, Jan?" I asked curtly, trying to make my voice sound cold.
"Look, Paul, I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but I've been thinking..." he stammered, visibly nervous.
"Oh, really? Maybe you should have thought about that before you outed me in front of the whole class!" I snapped at him more aggressively than I intended. I didn't actually want to talk to him like this, but now that I thought about it, a certain anger was rising in me again. I was ready to forgive him, but I didn't want to make it too easy for him.
"Yeah, sorry. Damn, you're right, I shouldn't have done that. I know you're angry, and I know this won't change anything, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry." I was surprised; normally, Jan wasn't the type to admit to others that he had made a mistake. Obviously, he was being serious. And in retrospect, it had actually gone quite well, even though he had no part in it. Still, what he had done weighed heavily.
"You know, Jan, I should actually hate you for exposing me like that in front of everyone. And I think many people in my position would do just that right now. But as you might know, it actually went surprisingly well; most of the class seems to accept that I'm gay, and my friends are treating me no differently than before. It could have turned out very differently, you know that, and I believe that then I would never want to talk to you again. But like this... I've thought about it, Jan, and I think we as a class share some of the blame for what happened. It just happened to hit me, but I believe the problem is that many of us haven't always been nice to you. And somehow, I understand why you did it – to get attention, to show others how cool you are, or maybe just to get back at someone, I don't know. That doesn't make it better, but it still showed me that we're all not completely innocent." As I said these words, I intensely studied the facade of the houses across from the school grounds because I somehow felt ashamed to look at him. In the end, however, I did look him in the eyes.
"Hm, yeah, maybe you're right, but it still wasn't fair to you. You can't really help it. Actually, I didn't even think about what I was doing; I just wanted to tell it. Sometimes I just can't keep quiet when it comes to things like that..."
"I noticed, Jan," I replied, somewhat grumpily, but also with a slight grin on my face. He had noticed it himself, I thought. That's already a step in the right direction.
"As I said, I don't expect you to forgive me now, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry, okay?" Jan concluded and looked at me questioningly.
"You're lucky, I think I can forgive you..." I murmured in response.
"Thanks, Paul. That's not something to be taken for granted after all this."
No, it certainly wasn't, but to be honest, what would it bring me to be angry with him for the rest of my life? I didn't like him before, and I didn't really like him now, so it didn't even surprise me that he would do something like that. But honestly, being angry with him now felt far too exhausting. We would never be friends now, but to be honest, that had already been the case before. So I viewed the situation quite soberly.
"Did you ever give a thought for someone else’s pride?
Your actions prove that actually you did
and threw it out the door as opportunity came through
I’d been betrayed by you"
After the brief conversation with Jan, I separated from him and quickly went to the staff room before making my way back to the classroom. In front of the door, I met Simon, who quickly made sure that no one was watching us before he took my hand for a brief moment.
"What's up?" I smiled at him questioningly.
"Nothing, I just miss you already, after we didn't meet yesterday," he replied, looking at me seductively, which made us both grin.
"But we saw each other the whole time at school?"
"Yeah, sure, but that's something completely different. Here I have to pretend we're just buddies, while I can't stop thinking about what I would like to do with you right now..." Simon explained.
"What would you like to do with me right now?" I asked curiously, trying to sound as naive as possible.
"What you'd also like to do if I look at your pants..." he teased me, pointing down where a slight bulge was visible in my jeans.
"Oops," I mumbled, embarrassed. He was right; I could think of a few things I would like to do with him. Kissing Simon would have been a good start, but I could barely hold myself back, after all, he was still considered straight.
Now Felix came out of the door, unknowingly interrupting our moment of intimacy.
"Hey you two, what are you up to?" he asked, while we wondered if he could sense anything. No, not really; it happens that friends talk to each other, right?
"Paul, have you heard that Anna just suggested to the class to have an information session with Mr. Bergmüller about homosexuality? She said it was to help people who aren't familiar with it to overcome their prejudices and 'help those affected.' That's exactly how she put it," he grinned at me, obviously finding it very amusing.
"Um, no, okay..." I said somewhat hesitantly.
"Not okay, that's great. I mean, obviously, she would mainly organize it for you..." Felix tried to spark a bit more enthusiasm in me.
Simon, who had only been listening the whole time, winked at me. Clearly, he also found the idea incredibly funny, probably for a different reason than Felix.
"Well, nice of her," I replied to Felix. "It might get a bit embarrassing, but since it's for a good cause, I think I can handle it," I smiled, now slightly embarrassed.
Suddenly, we were interrupted by the school bell; the break was over once again.
"Too soon," I complained, and then the three of us went back to the classroom. We had economics now, and coincidentally, Mr. Bergmüller was teaching.
He grinned at us mischievously, and with that look, I could suddenly imagine him as a teenager our age. Since I found that thought somehow funny—don't ask me why, but there are just people you don't believe were ever young—I had to grin as well.
"Good morning. Are you all looking forward to the weekend?" he began his lesson, earning a lot of nods in response. "Good, then you'll be pleased to know that we're doing a slightly different lesson today..." he continued, at which point I stared at him somewhat confused. This lesson? Oh no, not now, I thought. On the other hand, better than economics...
Apparently, I was almost the only one who was unaware, as everyone else was now looking at me with amusement, including Mr. Bergmüller himself.
"Hey, Paul, haven't you noticed yet?" he grinned at me again. I somehow felt like I wasn't being taken seriously.
"Um..." I said very cleverly before Anna, our class representative, thankfully rescued me.
"Sorry Paul, I waited until you were briefly away before I asked the class if we want to have a lesson about homosexuality. It was supposed to be a surprise..." she winked at me. "I already arranged it with Mr. Bergmüller the day before yesterday, right after you... you know."
"Well, Anna just told us what today's lesson is about," Mr. Bergmüller continued. "What do you all know about the topic?" he asked the class, prompting several people to raise their hands. They were clearly determined to give economics no chance today.
The lesson turned out to be quite pleasant; many classmates could contribute something to the topic, and since it was kept quite general, it didn't feel like it was just about me, which would have been more embarrassing.
"It's great that you're all so well-informed; that's perhaps the most important thing. Prejudices and stereotypes only have a chance when people are not familiar with the topic," Mr. Bergmüller explained. "And it's especially important to know that being gay or lesbian is not a choice. Right, Paul?" he looked at me questioningly. I really hated being called out of nowhere during class, but at least this time I knew the answer.
"No, it's not. On the contrary, it can take a long time before you can even admit it to yourself. At least that was the case for me..." I replied.
"Could you maybe tell us a bit about that so the others can better imagine what it's like?" he asked me. Why do teachers always have to use such sneaky tricks to get you to talk? But okay, why not; it was actually a good opportunity.
I told how I had tried for two years to convince myself that I was into girls, even though it had been quite obvious all along that this was not the case. How I had come up with more and more absurd arguments as to why I couldn’t possibly be gay, and how I had forced myself to look at girls instead of boys.
“And only when it became so clear that I really could no longer deny it to myself, did I start to inform myself about the topic, and little by little, I lost my fear. Recently, I was finally at the point where I could accept that I am gay,” I concluded.
“Thank you, Paul,” Mr. Bergmüller replied kindly. “You see, it was probably hardest for him to accept it himself—many don’t even suspect such things; they think it’s a conscious decision and don’t understand how one can simply be gay. Well, does anyone else here want to share their experiences with it?”
Excuse me? Did he just seriously ask if there was anyone in the classroom who was still in the closet and wanted to share their experiences as a homosexual? Well, this could get interesting. I felt the entire class fall into a curious silence, eager not to miss anything.
I secretly glanced at Simon to see his reaction. He seemed to be thinking. I could imagine what was going through his mind, as on the one hand, this was the perfect opportunity to come out to the class. But on the other hand, why actually? We only had this one school year left, and it was really nobody’s business whom one was attracted to. Personally, I don’t think I would have voluntarily come out at school if someone else hadn’t done it for me.
However, there is some truth to the fact that coming out feels significantly liberating; you can be who you really are. And Simon and I wouldn’t have had to hide our relationship anymore…
I believe that one could fill hours of lectures with the pros and cons of coming out in different places and in front of different people, but Simon seemed to have made up his mind.
“It was actually similar for me as it was for Paul…” he replied, deliberately casual, to Mr. Bergmüller’s question, causing the entire class, including the teacher, to look at him in astonishment, speechless, almost aghast. I could understand them; it doesn’t happen often that two classmates come out as gay within a week. It was still a funny sight. Mr. Bergmüller was the first to regain his composure and smiled knowingly. Felix, on the other hand, was not quite there yet; he just looked at me in disbelief, as if to say, “Did you know this?” I couldn’t help it; I just had to grin. Lukas, however, with whom Simon had also been in class and friends during middle school, didn’t seem very surprised. “I was wondering when you would finally tell me…” he just grinned at his buddy, prompting Simon to look at him questioningly.
The rest of the class also seemed to slowly recover, and the astonished silence shifted into much talking, laughter, and general cheerfulness. It was, not surprisingly, very relaxed, which made me very happy for Simon. Finally, he turned to me and smiled widely, visibly relieved about everything. Then he turned back to Lukas, obviously to ask how he knew he was gay.
Meanwhile, Felix also attempted to question me about this surprising turn of events. “You knew this, right?” he began, still obviously very astonished. Well, until a week ago, our friend group in class consisted of four straight guys for him, and now he had learned that two of them were pretty gay, without him ever suspecting it.
“Yes, to be honest, I did…” I confessed. “And a little more…” I added, just for fun, to see him speechless. Besides, Simon and I now had no real reason to keep our relationship a secret from our friends anymore.
But before I could continue and completely blow Felix’s mind, Mr. Bergmüller came over to us. He could forget his lesson, if you could even call it that, because we were all way too confused. Apparently, he wasn’t upset about it; the lesson seemed to be a complete success for him as it was mainly about sensitizing us to this topic. That was definitely achieved by now. Instead, he probably wanted to have a conversation with us, in his capacity as a class teacher, of course, and certainly not because he was curious.
“Well, boys?” he started and sat on one of the tables next to us.
“Should Felix and I go somewhere else for a moment?” Lukas quickly asked, which Felix was obviously not thrilled about since he wanted to hear everything. I would have felt the same way…
“Not on my part, unless the two of them want to talk to me in private,” Mr. Bergmüller replied. “If you even want to talk?” he quickly added, seemingly not wanting to pressure us into anything.
“It's fine,” Simon answered both questions right away.
"Good. So, there isn't much left to say, because obviously no one in the class seems to have a problem with this. I just wanted to ask you, if there should ever be difficulties at school, to come to me and tell me about them. It's important that you have support, because I can well imagine that it won't always be as easy as it is here and today. All the more, I am proud of you and of the class for having the courage to come out here!" With a nod, Mr. Bergmüller indicated that his speech was over. He smiled at us encouragingly one more time, we thanked him for the offered help, and then he left us alone with our curious friends.
I was the first to break the silence: "Hey Lukas, how did you know about Simon?" Yes, I admit it, I'm no less curious than the others...
"Well, I've known him for a few years and I just noticed that he not only never talks about girls or had a girlfriend, but he also never looked at them with interest like every other boy our age does. From there, it wasn't hard to follow his gaze. And how he always admired you in class, Paul..." Lukas said with a grin, causing Simon to stare at him in disbelief.
"You noticed that?" he stammered, clearly embarrassed and turning red. So sweet...
"Of course. And also how Paul stared back at him just as fascinated..." Lukas winked at me, making it my turn to blush. Lukas seemed to be a much better observer than I had thought.
"Paul's coming out didn't surprise me much, and I was almost a hundred percent sure about Simon." concluded our newly discovered class Sherlock. While Simon and I exchanged somewhat embarrassed smiles, Felix found his voice again.
"Wow, I would have never noticed." he said. "Why didn't you ever tell me anything?"
"I'm not Jan." Lukas grinned at him, causing all four of us to burst out laughing.
"Alright you two, stop looking so innocently and just tell us the truth..." Felix turned to us with a smile.
"Well, um..." I stammered a bit uncertainly, but Simon seemed to be less shy about it.
"To be honest, we only found out about each other on Monday." he confessed. "And we discovered that we actually both had feelings for each other..." Now he seemed a bit unsure about how much to share.
"Come on, stop making it so suspenseful! You're together, right?" Lukas interjected, sounding as if he already knew that. The way he grinned at us made it clear it wasn't really a question.
We were powerless against that. "Yes." I admitted. "But not so loud, we don't want everyone to know, okay?" I imagined that the whole class knowing we were a couple would be much more embarrassing than just telling them we were gay. I suspected that there had already been rumors about us, but we didn't have to confirm them right away.
"Of course. And congratulations." Felix grinned at me. He clearly meant it, which made me extremely happy. "That's cool, now I never have to worry about either of you stealing a girl from me." he added with a wink.
The remaining time in class was filled with a bit of chaos, with everyone talking and laughing among themselves, and Mr. Bergmüller made no further attempts to continue his lesson. He had achieved what he wanted.
As the four of us finally made our way towards the subway, a certain normality had returned, we were in a good mood and laughed a lot, but Felix and Lukas didn't seem to care much about what was happening with Simon and me anymore. That's how it should be, I thought to myself and smiled happily at Simon. In response, he briefly took my hand and squeezed it – it felt good to be able to do that so freely, without the fear of being discovered.
"You can feel free to kiss if you want..." Felix grinned at us, as always, when he saw us. Well, we didn't have to overdo it, so I just playfully punched him in the shoulder.
"It's something, that look in your eyes tonight
Like magic, it’s changing everything in sight
I hear it, all around me everyday
in the music that you play
This is a song about boys and girls
You hear it playing all over the world"
Once home, I threw myself onto my bed and listened to some music. Finally, the weekend! On one hand, I was happy because what had happened at school today felt liberating. Our friends had accepted our being gay and had no problems with Simon and me being together. We could finally be who we really are.
On the other hand, I was a bit afraid of what was to come. So far, it had always gone well when I told an important person in my life that I was gay. But what would have happened if it had gone wrong? In the worst case, a friendship could have broken because of it, which would have been a shame. But on the other hand, I could have done without friends who had problems with it anyway.
With my parents, it's something completely different. I couldn't just cut off contact or end the friendship if things went wrong. I was bound to them; they were my family, and they obviously meant much more to me than the best friendships. At that moment, I hoped so much that everything would turn out well this time too and that they could accept it.

Chapter 6
"It hurts too much to face the truth
To face the truth"
It was Friday evening, we had just eaten, and my sister Marie had just gone back to her room. I would have preferred to do the same and postpone everything to the next day, but I knew that now was the right moment. If I didn't go through with it now, I would never do it.
I struggled to breathe evenly and calm myself, yet I continued to shake. Well, this could be something.
"Is something wrong, Paul?" my mother asked now, having noticed that I hadn't left yet. She smiled at me questioningly. I felt nauseous.
"Yes, um... I wanted to talk to you..." I stammered.
My father sat down on the couch and gestured for my mother and me to sit down as well. "Go on!" he urged me with a certain curiosity in his voice.
I stared at the candle burning on the coffee table in front of me. It suddenly seemed incredibly interesting. I just couldn't bring myself to look them in the eye.
"I... um... I'm gay." The words were barely more than a whisper, yet they were clearly audible, as the living room suddenly fell completely silent. I still stubbornly looked straight ahead, watching the irregular flickering of the candle flame.
My parents still hadn't said a word, and even though it was only a few seconds, it felt like the silence stretched on for minutes. Then they both suddenly stood up, came over to me, pulled me up from the sofa, and simply hugged me. We remained silent and stood there for a while, just the three of us. I heard my mother quietly start to cry. I felt myself gradually calming down through the embrace and stopped shaking. My father began to gently stroke my back. "It's okay," he murmured—his voice also sounded shaky. It took a few minutes before we broke the hug and sat down again.
"After all that we’ve been through
only tears can tell the truth
I’m not crying just for you
I’m crying for me
Look around and see
I’m crying for all of us"
We sat together for a long time that evening and talked. After a while, I was also able to converse normally without shaking and stuttering. My parents, on the other hand, kept tearing up. They told me that they would always stand by me and that it was okay for them, but they just hadn't expected it, and therefore, in a way, all their plans and ideas for my future had been turned upside down in an instant. I could imagine that it was hard—they obviously needed time to come to terms with the thought. I didn't hold it against them; after all, I had taken two years to accept it myself.
Otherwise, things went pretty well; they had many questions about what it was like and how I had realized it, all of which I was able to answer well. Only when they asked if I was in love with someone did I hesitate a little. Would it be shocking to tell them that I had already found a boyfriend? In the end, I told them about Simon and me. My parents already knew Simon since he had been over at my place often lately, so they weren't too surprised that there was more to it. My mother's comment: "At least you have good taste, my son!" I was still relieved that my parents had initially met Simon as just a normal friend of mine and that he had already made a good first impression on them—who knows how it would have been if they had seen him as gay from the start...
After three hours of conversation with Mom and Dad, I went to bed pretty exhausted but happy. Yes, it had been strange at first, and of course, they weren't thrilled, but they accepted it anyway, and in the end, we had even been able to make jokes about it again.
I still couldn't believe it: Less than two days ago, I could barely admit to myself that I was gay, and now both my friends and classmates as well as my parents knew—and no one really had a problem with it. And then there was Simon, the boy of my dreams, with whom I had come together so unexpectedly. All of this was almost too good to be true!
"See the tension in your face
Feel the nerves when we embrace
What emotions do you hide?
All those years of silent thought
betrayed by those whose help you sought
exiled, lost and forced inside
If you want me, I will listen to your words
The dreams you have deferred, the battles fought
If it helps to take me to those dark extremes
the meaning of your dreams, the way you’ve thought
Just talk, I’m listening"
The next morning, I received a WhatsApp from Simon. Eagerly, I opened it and was extremely surprised by what I read.
"Wow! I just came out to my parents too, I still can't quite believe it! How did it go for you?"
Was it all just a dream, or could it really be that there was one positive news after another at the moment? I was really happy for Simon and thrilled that we no longer had to hide from anyone.
“Wow, very cool! Congratulations! I had a good time too!” I wrote back to him.
“Glad to hear! By the way, my parents want to meet you! null” came the reply. Well, not just his parents, mine were also eager to scrutinize him now that they knew who he really was. This could get interesting.
We chatted for a while longer before I finally managed to get up and go to the bathroom. When I returned, I saw another message from Simon.
“Would you like to come over to my place today?” it said, along with a heart. I smiled before quickly replying with a “Yes.” So far, we had always met at my place since my parents were usually not home during the day, so I was even more excited that we could now easily meet at his place without pretending.
It turned out to be a wonderful day, and I would describe the meeting with Simon's parents as very successful. They were both really nice to me, and if they had any issues with their son bringing home a boyfriend just a few hours after coming out, they certainly hid it extremely well. As a layperson, I would say that their facial expressions and body language expressed nothing but joy and positive curiosity. Maybe they had suspected it for a while – as we had learned in the past few days, this happens with some people.
And then there were the moments Simon and I spent alone together, which significantly contributed to making this day particularly special. I’ll leave it at that.
Anyway, at some point, a certain permanent grin had settled on my face, which wouldn’t disappear anytime soon.
“Sometimes someone gets upset
doesn’t hear the laughter
takes it as a threat
but it’s different after
After the event
looks like someone’s smiling
happy to be here
Blue skies, heaven-sent”

“Are you coming at last?”
“Yes, I'll be right there.”
“Benny, hurry up, will you?”
“Yes!”
Oh man, the same old story every time. Dad has a new job and we have the stress.
Why? It's simple! My dad is the coach of a Bundesliga soccer team! That meant we had to change cities every three years.
In this business, it's called fluctuation, quite simply. And now he had received an offer that, in his own words, he couldn't refuse.
The team in Germany, the biggest for any trainer in this country. So we're moving again. This time to Munich! To the great FC Bayern. From northern Germany to this, well, how should I put it? Bavaria, that's it! For me, that means: losing friends, moving, new school! Great!
I'm thrilled! Very thrilled! I could throw up!
Good! He's making a shit load of money! The press are already pissing him off and I have to go with him. Great!
From Hamburg to Munich! For me, that's about as good as from Hamburg to... I don't know what?
Definitely rubbish!
And I was doing really well, had settled in, even found a few friends.
Yes! All right! I'll stop whining.
So I got into the new Audi A8, free from the sponsor, of course.
Everything is pushed up your ass. New house, paid for by the club, tutoring for God knows what. And you guessed right! Paid for by the club!
I sat in the passenger seat because a mom no longer exists. She had preferred to give my dad the boot. That was two years ago. They drifted apart! What a word! Why don't they just tell me the truth? She fell in love with someone else and my dad is in love with his job. Simple! Or? Well, for a 15-year-old, it's probably still too much to understand.
What do you think?
I was looking out of the side window. Signs and guard rails passed by and I looked briefly behind me, where my brother Leif was sitting and playing something on the laptop.
Leif had just turned 15 and didn't really mind moving again. Leif? Kind of a weird guy. Our relationship has never been the best, I don't know why. We're just too different, I guess. He likes to hang around on the PC more than I do with people.
He's just a loner! At some point I just stopped giving him a hard time about it. If there's no reaction, it's just no fun.
With the Kassel mountains just behind us, my dad said to me:
“And so bad?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, Munich?”
“No idea! I just happen to like Hamburg.”
“Because of your mother?”
“Nonsense! You know that. No, because of my friends there.”
“Hey! Benny! I'm sure you'll make new friends and besides, Hamburg isn't out of the world.”
“Only 900km away. Do you think you can make it in Munich with the star ensemble?”
“Well, come on! With my best co-trainer named Benny? What could possibly go wrong?”
Typical of my dad! He always asked me about new player signings and line-ups. Why? No idea! He just said I had a good nose for who fits into the team and who doesn't. Yes! I like soccer! It's exciting, the tactics, the players – even though most of them are pretty empty-headed.
“I'll still be a Pauli fan though.”
“Son! Me too! But don't tell anyone.”
My answer remained a grin. Four years ago, my dad had taken FC St. Pauli from the third to the first Bundesliga. The last season then in the Uefa Cup and that was also the reason for this offer from FC Bayern. Yes, Pauli is something special, led by a gay president, with the most awesome fans ever. Very alternative, sometimes they look a bit wild, but they are usually super peaceful and nice. They always got so baked at the Millerntor that it didn't matter whether they won or lost, by the end they were so stoned themselves that they always went out celebrating. And I don't even smoke pot. I tried it two or three times and fell asleep every time. Nah, I'd rather shoot a bottle of wine in the head and be done with it.
I must have dozed off, my old man woke me up when we finally arrived. Munich-Grünwald is apparently a rich neighborhood, in any case, the neighboring houses looked exactly like our new one. It was a mansion-like neighborhood. The moving company that took care of our move was apparently already finished, I saw a fully furnished house.
My room is on the second floor, but I was too tired to take a closer look. When I woke up, I realized that it was light again. How long have I been sleeping? A glance at the clock on my bedside table confirmed it. I had slept for ten hours straight. Oh man! Now it's time to get up! Off to the bathroom! Bathroom? Where is the bathroom?
“Dad? Where's the bathroom?” I shouted into the open house!
My father was sitting at the kitchen table, a pot of coffee in his hand, grinning at me.
“You have your own. The door in your room.”
“Thanks.”
Door which door? It was weird, but I had overlooked it.
I found it right away. Cool! I even had a bathtub in here! Finally no hassle with Leif about who could use the bathroom first.
Freshly polished, I wanted to go with Dad to the training ground in Säbener Strasse. There was the first team training session with the new coach, that is, my father.
He had hardly arrived when he was taken over by the manager, so I felt a little lost.
I was still standing around a little indecisively next to the A8 and didn't really know how to get in here, when I heard someone from behind:
“Hi! Do you know where the dressing room is?”
I turned around and saw the face of one of Germany's most talented young players, Daniel Berg. However, I not only saw the player but also two super cute shiny eyes that literally leapt out at me. Wow! He's got something!
“Um, I, well, um, no idea!” Phew, that was hard!
“Ah, so!“ and grinned at me so sweetly that I blushed. Earth open up! Swallow me! Please!
“And what are you doing here then? A fan or a spy?”
“More of a spy,” I had found my voice again.
Puzzled, Daniel looked at me and said, “You're way too young for that!”
In the meantime, a bodyguard or supervisor (or whatever these people are called) had apparently spotted Daniel and guided him to the training ground. He winked as he passed me and said, “Have fun spying.”
The supervisor gave me a dark look and disappeared with Daniel.
Man, Daniel was really cute! Blond hair cut into a fringe, just as tall as me, 5'9“, and his face was just cute. Yes, cute, that's all I could think of at the moment.
I had another problem, this 6'7” hulk of a man standing in front of me and telling me to go away.
My head went up slowly to meet his eyes.
“That won't work.”
“What? That won't work? Move your haunches and goodbye.”
“My dad would object.”
“Oh yeah? And who's your dad?”
“The trainer.”
The cabinet looked at me and started laughing loudly. This laughter sounded so hollow that I almost expected an echo.
“Benny! What took you so long?”
My dad was standing behind the fence, looking at me impatiently.
“I can't get past this human.”
The hulk stood motionless in front of me and his laughter now slipped away.
“Why didn't you say so?“ he hissed at me.
“Huh? I did!” After an apology from the locker, I now also entered the training ground.
It took a while for the team to be complete. Some of the players were sitting, others were standing, forming a semi-circle around my dad. I stood a little way off and watched my dad's inaugural address with interest. Well, actually, I was more watching the players and their reactions; the younger ones all looked very focused, the older ones a little bored. They've probably been through something like this many times before.
The new assistant coaches were introduced. My dad mumbled something and pointed at me, the players grinned and nodded at me.
I don't know what Dad said to them, but it was probably something like 'mascot' or something like that.
The players warmed up and Daniel came up to me grinning:
“So, so, a spy for the coach?”
“Nonsense!“ My reaction was a little too intense, so I immediately felt sorry for Daniel, who gave me a friendly punch on the arm and said:
“Hey! I didn't mean it like that. I'm glad you're here.” And then he walked away, winking at me again.
What was that about? And that wink! Oh man! I could really go for him. Nonsense! Him and gay? No way. Come on! No way! But enough about me and my fantasies!
Yep! I'm gay! Even though I've never had a real boyfriend. I'm not really sure why. My looks are okay, I guess, but it's probably more to do with my shyness. That's the disadvantage of being the son of a celebrity. I just don't know if people want something from me because of who I am or because my dad is the coach. Once I've found out and made friends, it's time to move! Well, that's how it was in Hamburg.
The rest of the training was boring, so I went to see the club house. It's pretty impressive. Very modernly furnished and styled in the club colors.
In the hallway, I met the manager, who recognized me and said:
“Well, Benny? How do you like it here?”
“It's pretty impressive.”
He then blabbed something about hard work and a traditional club and stuff like that. I tuned my ears to auto mode or draft and nodded my head from time to time. The last thing he said, I did catch though.
“I still have something for you.”
“And what would that be?”
“Come with me.”
I followed the manager into a room, which was probably his outer office. A secretary greeted us and shook my hand.
“Susanne, have you got the ID for Benny ready yet?”
I was amazed at the casual tone that prevailed here.
“Just a moment, boss!” She rummaged around in a drawer and then gave me a VIP ID with my picture on it.
“So the security people will let you in.”
Aha, so they're called security. After I had thanked her, I disappeared towards the exit. The training must have ended too, because some of the players, already dressed, were talking in the parking lot or signing autographs. Daniel was standing there too and was being hugged and smothered by some chick. Damn! Of course, the cutest player here had a girlfriend. My mood went down.
“Hey, Benny!” Daniel said when he saw me.
I traipsed over to him and he introduced me to his girlfriend, babbling something about maybe doing something together, to which I replied with a simple yes. With my head bowed, I then crept over to Dad's car, but he was nowhere to be seen. Bored, I watched the players and noticed the first difference to Pauli. At Pauli, the whole team usually went to the clubhouse or the local bar to chat, but here the players left immediately after the end of training. So much for team spirit. My dad turned up and asked me what was going on. I explained to him what I had just seen and he nodded approvingly.
“Yes, I've noticed that too. So what do you think about inviting the team to a barbecue?”
“At our house?”
“Yes, sure! We did that quite often in Hamburg.”
“OK! When?”
“Saturday! Sunday is a training-free day and we don't have a friendly game either.”
“Fine by me.”
“Oh, one more thing.”
“Yes?”
“The new player from the USA is arriving tomorrow.”
“And?”
“I wanted to ask you to come with me to the airport, he'll be living with us for a while anyway, so he'll have at least one person to turn to. Besides, you're the same age and might become friends, so it won't be so hard for him.”
Shit! I hadn't thought about the American anymore. There is a club boarding school here, but it was probably already full. That's why the club management decided to put him up with us for now. More of a family atmosphere, so that he feels comfortable. The once-in-a-century talent, as the German trade journals called him, should thrive in a sheltered environment. I didn't know all that much about him, only that his name is Sean Kaiser, he has a German mother and would therefore probably be eligible for our national team. Oh, and that he is 17 years old and that FC Bayern paid 6 million euros for his transfer. And that for a 17-year-old! That's a lot, but it's not my money, so I don't care.
I still had three weeks of vacation left and didn't have anything better to do anyway.
“Well, if I'm doing you a favor.” There's nothing wrong with a little brown nose every now and then.
“Thanks, I knew I could count on you. Oh, and by the way, maybe you'll find what you're looking for in him?”
My dad grinned from ear to ear and I blushed. Great! Always pick on the little ones! My father has known that I'm gay for three years and, unlike my mother, he took it quite lightly and sometimes makes fun of me about it. It's probably one of the reasons why I chose my father and moved in with him and not with my mother, who couldn't come to terms with my homosexuality at all. My mother had made a fuss after my involuntary coming out. Involuntary? Uproar? My mother caught me with a classmate practicing French kissing. We were just practicing! The old lady went crazy and screamed like a fury. She kept asking me if I was gay and at some point, out of defiance, I got tired of it and said yes. After that, there was no contact between us. At the time, I didn't even know for sure if I was really gay. That changed over time and I became very sure of it. My dad had laughed at my mother and told me that I should stand by it. Yes, that welded us together. My brother Leif just took it without comment. What can you say as a 12-year-old? The only problem is that I still don't know how he feels about it and whether he can handle it. As I said, he's a loner.
The flight from America was supposed to land in Munich around 10:00 a.m. My dad was getting impatient because I couldn't get ready in the bathroom. I had the usual problem: my hair was standing on end in all the wrong places. So I whipped out the hair gel and tried to tame the beast with hairspray. I looked in the mirror: disaster!
Wash my hair again, blow-dry it and the same game all over again. Normally I'm not that vain, but somehow I wanted to make a good impression on the American guy. Why? Just because! I mean, he's going to be living with us for a while and if he comes across an exploded toilet brush right away? First impressions count! I read that somewhere.
So check! Yes it's OK! Let's go. We wanted to travel incognito, that is, just my dad and me. When we arrived at the new Franzdings Airport (or what was the last King of Bavaria's name again? *fg*), we hadn't reckoned on the local tabloids, which had somehow got wind of the American's arrival today. Photographers and reporters were already bustling around the entrance hall.
“Shit!” my dad exclaimed.
“Yep!”
“So what?”
“Do the press people know me?”
My dad looked at me and then grinned.
“Nope, I don't think so.”
“Then maybe you should disappear and I'll go and get him out.”
“OK! Do you know what he looks like?”
“No idea!”
“Here's a photo of him, and when you've found him, come immediately to the side exit, I'll somehow make the BGS people understand that they should get rid of the hordes. All right?”
“Jo! Do you have enough autograph cards with you?”
“Why?”
“For the BGS people?”
My dad grinned at me and gave me the thumbs up sign. So, into battle I went! I looked at the photo of Sean and my knees went as soft as jelly. Shit! If the guy looks half as good in person as he does in the photo, I'll probably have a few sleepless nights. Then Daniel came to mind again, he's just a footballer! Sean probably has a girlfriend in America, so what the heck! Sigh! I bought a pair of sunglasses and a pretty cool hat at a souvenir stand. I reached the gate just in time. The first Lufthansa passengers from Boston were streaming out of the security area when I saw Sean. Man, the photo wasn't even half as good as he looks in person. Tanned, brown hair and deep blue eyes. Shit! Oh please not that! A certain part of me was making itself felt in my pants! How embarrassing is that, please! My hair is in place, but my pants are not, or rather they are sticking out because I only have cargo shorts on! Garbage! I don't have time to think about it anymore or the press will get him right away! So over to him!
“Hi! Are you Sean Kaiser?” How imaginative!
His eyes scanned me from top to bottom. My boss in the pants had meanwhile calmed down in the rush. Phew!
He looked at me uncertainly and then said after what seemed like an endless moment:
“Uh, yeah! I'm Sean! Why?”
His German is damn good. Almost accent-free. He still looked at me uncertainly and couldn't seem to pigeonhole me in his brain.
That was probably my part now.
“Hi! I'm Benjamin Degen, your coach's son! Welcome to good old Germany! And of course to FC Bayern Munich! Please put on these sunglasses and this hat!”
“Why?”
“Why? Because it's essential for you! That's why!”
Shit! Now the little guy was even more intimidated, I could see that from his eyes staring nervously at me. That's exactly what I didn't want! What should I do now? Best to tell the truth, right?
“Listen Sean! You're playing for FC Bayern from now on! And that means you're something of a star! The press is lurking in the reception area for you. We wanted to spare you that at first, that's why I'm here! The two of us won't attract as much attention as if the entire Bavarian entourage had appeared here. So put on sunglasses and a hat and follow me!”
“OK!”
I think Sean was so frightened that he would have accepted anything. I put the sunglasses and the hat on him and grinned at him.
“Looks cool!”
Hey! A first slight smile from him! I grabbed one of the two light bags he was carrying with him, the suitcases would follow anyway by FC-Bayernexpress, and stomped towards the side exit. I looked at him a little from the side and had to grin again. The way he had looked at me just now, that shy look from bottom to top, wow! For me, he fell into the category of: cuddling, protecting and holding on to. My little one! We made it to the side exit without any problems, where we were met by a line of BGS officers who then escorted us out of the building to my dad's car without being observed.
After the obligatory greeting from my father, I sat down in the passenger seat and Sean sat down in the back. Sean didn't say a word the whole ride. I turned around to him and smiled encouragingly, which he gratefully accepted to briefly smile back.
Sean Kaiser Boston, USA
(The story continues from Sean's point of view, one week before departure!)
“Please Sean, don't go to Europe!”
My boyfriend sat across from me and looked at me with tear-filled eyes. Oh shit! Why is he making this so difficult for me?
Two months ago, I received a call from Munich asking if I could imagine moving to Munich. What a question. To the top club in Germany? To one of the best clubs in the world? Of course I could! Especially to Germany, my mother's home country and a language I am proficient in? At home, we spoke German almost exclusively because my mother wanted me to grow up bilingual. The manager and coach came to Boston two weeks later to finalize the contract. We met at the office of my Boston River Soccer Club's manager, who plays in the US Major League and with whom I had a long-term contract. It was actually clear to me that I would go to Munich, you only get such a chance once in a lifetime. My manager discussed it with the Munich people and when it came to the transfer fee, my jaw dropped.
The guy actually wanted $7 million for me. Shit! That's it then. Bye, bye Bayern! The two of them will surely stand up and leave the room without saying a word. But the FC Bayern manager didn't even bat an eyelid and just said, pretty cool, “OK!” My manager's facial features slipped and, just to be on the safe side, he asked if he had understood correctly.
Mr. Schmidt, the manager of FC B, confirmed that this was correct. My stomach tightened at that moment. 7 million? Is a player who is just 17 years old worth that much?
I felt slightly queasy. What expectations do they have of me? Never before has so much been paid for an American player, especially not for a 17-year-old.
After everything was signed, we said goodbye to each other. I still couldn't quite believe it. Yesterday, the two gentlemen from Munich had been at our house and discussed everything with my mother and me. I got a six-year contract with an annual salary of over a million euros. That seemed pretty excessive to me, and when I realized that it was euros and not dollars, I didn't understand anything anymore.
I didn't really care about the money. I only wanted to play soccer. Money was not really important to me!
In Boston, I earned $2,500 a month and thought that was a lot.
I probably would have played for Munich for €500 a month.
Of course, at the beginning my mother was not at all happy about me going to Europe. With a lot of charm and persuasion from the people of Munich, she finally agreed. A few free flights did the rest.
The other problem was now facing me. Jason! My boyfriend, who I had been with for two months. He just couldn't and wouldn't understand what an opportunity this was for me. Jason is my first boyfriend, my first real boyfriend.
“Jason! Please, understand that this is my chance!”
“Sean! I can't understand it! What's so special about this club that you want to go to Europe? You can play here too, can't you?”
Jason didn't have a clue about soccer, like most Americans.
“Here in the US, we play in front of 2,000 spectators because Americans aren't interested in what sport is number one in the rest of the world. Americans think that baseball, rugby, and basketball are number one. But Jason prefers not to think that way! Soccer is the number one sport played all over the world. And this club that wants me, almost every child outside the United States knows it!”
“What about us?”
That was the question I had dreaded the most. What about us? Jason loved me, I felt that every day we were together, but did I love Jason? I wanted it so much! I like him, sex with him, his naturalness! Do I love him? Would I go to Europe then? No, hardly, right?
Oh shit, that was complicated! What should I answer him? He was waiting for me to answer his question! I didn't know the answer.
After endless minutes of silence, he just left my room.
What should I tell him? That it's over between us? I just couldn't.
When do you love someone so much that you give up your dreams for them? Probably only if that person is one of those dreams?
Jason was definitely not one of my dreams!
Unfortunately!
Jason was my first sexual experience and at the time I thought I loved him. Today I think differently, no, I felt differently! Jason is nice! Uncomplicated, others would call him boring, but at the time he was just there for me! At the time! Just two months ago! At the time! Good heavens!
As if he had already been forgotten! Am I so selfish?
Of course I would miss Jason in Europe. Our conversations, coming out to our parents, which only brought us both closer together.
My mother, who almost collapsed when we told her. Jason wanted to call an ambulance. A glass of water in the face did the trick.
The second one my mother got when I told her that I wanted to go to Europe.
Wanted? No, had to! That was my dream! My life! That's what I trained for, that's why I skipped so many parties. That's why I gave up my first boyfriend. Shit!
To play soccer in front of 80,000 people cheering you on, that's it!
My brain was on a rollercoaster! Jason! Bayern Munich!
My mother drove us to Logan Airport Boston, Jason sitting next to me on the back bench, holding my hand the whole time. I hardly dared to look at him, knowing he was crying. When we arrived at the gate, he stroked my hair and whispered,
“Sean, don't forget me!”
Shit! I bowed my head and had to swallow endlessly. I tried to suppress everything, but at that moment?
“Hey! Shhhh! Stupid! I'll never forget you! I promise you one thing: when we're in the final, you'll come and see me!”
“Really?”
“Yep!”
Alone in the Lufthansa bird, I suddenly felt so very small. In my mind, movie scenes played out, showing a soccer game in which I bombed. The spectators booed me. My teammates looked at me sympathetically, my coach on the sidelines looked angry. Shit! Soccer in the US and Europe, there are class differences!
The flight was very smooth and I soon fell asleep. Time for a snack. Which, by the way, was excellent, since I was in business class.
I spent most of the time sleeping. We then began our descent and I looked out the window for the first time. Sunshine!
No rain? As I had expected?
In the States, I was told so much about life in Germany that I fully expected it to just rain here.
There were people who told me that I would have to salute here before I was even let in.
With mixed feelings, I set out to leave the passport controls behind me. Strangely enough, the police officers greeted me in a super nice way and wished me a nice time in Germany. Quite different from our cops in the States, who were usually just grumpy.
Almost in a trance, I walked on when a boy approached me and spoke to me.
“Are you Sean Kaiser?”
The boy who spoke to me was just, just... Wow! About the same height as me, gray-blue eyes, blonde messy hair sticking out on all sides.
His face was almost too perfect. No pimples, nothing, nothing at all! Shit! Did this guy look good! Do they all look this good here? Oh, man!
He mumbled something about sunglasses and a hat, which I didn't really notice. And welcome! And he was the coach's son!
The coach's son? I was supposed to live with the coach! With him? With this perfect German boy? How could I stand that? Just being near him provoked a hormonal surge in me to unimagined proportions.
What did he say again? I don't know! I must have stuttered something. Reporter, star or something like that? Whatever! I'll follow him wherever he goes!
Following him, I stumbled to a side exit where several uniformed policemen were standing. I was apprehensive about opening the door, but the cops just grinned at me. Where am I that even policemen smile at me?
I made myself comfortable in the back seat of my coach's car. He had just greeted me warmly, beaming with joy, just like those other supposedly oh-so-grungy Germans!
I didn't know what to think of that! And when a grinning trainer's son looked at me, I read only one thing in his face: Welcome! Warm, loving, open and honest, that's what I felt at that moment. I couldn't help but smile back at this perfect German boy. What was his name again? Benjamin! Yes! Benny! Thank you! Benny would become a friend, that much was clear to me at that moment. How far could this friendship go? Until I told him everything? Jason and all that?
What then?
Would he understand?
Or hate me? For being gay?
Was he tolerant?
I decided not to say anything for the time being and to wait and see what he was like.
Although, damn, he was cute!
“Oh my God, I'm supposed to live here?“ That was my first thought when I saw my future home. It was huge, it had to be a mansion, and this property! I was just blown away.
“Come on, I'll show you your room!” Benny called to me.
I didn't say anything, I couldn't say anything, I was way too overwhelmed.
We took the two bags out of the car and I trotted after Benny, just like at the airport.
Pretty stupid! I must have looked like a little kid standing in front of Santa Claus on Christmas Eve, full of anticipation but so intimidated that I couldn't say a word. Benny must think I'm crazy. Shit.
When we arrived on the second floor, he pointed to a door.
“This is your room, right next to mine.”
He opened the door and my eyes popped out. What a place. My room alone had to be almost as big as my mom's and my old one in the States, combined. No one would believe me if I told them over there. Benny went in and put the bags on the bed.
“Oh, there's still a small problem.”
Great, there had to be some catch to it.
“You don't have your own bathroom, but if you want, you're welcome to use mine.”
And what was the problem? I didn't understand.
“Come on, I'll show you!”
So it was duck walk again. Mama duck waddled ahead and the chick behind. At least that's how it seemed to me.
“So the bathroom can only be reached through my room. I hope you don't mind?”
Huh? I should mind? Well, if anyone should mind, it would be him, since I would have to march through his room while he was still asleep. And he certainly looked even cuter when he slept; I just had to imagine it to get weak in the knees. I loved this bathroom on the spot.
These thoughts probably took a moment too long. Benny looked at me questioningly and I blushed. Shit!
“Um, Sean, if you're embarrassed, you're welcome to use the other one in the hallway, but then you'd have to share it with my brother Leif.”
Shit! Messed up! I probably replied a little too quickly:
“No, no, that's perfect!“ And I got even more nervous.
“Sure? If there's anything you don't like, please say so, OK?”
“Yep! No, I don't mind at all, quite the opposite.” Oops! What was I talking about? “So I mean, uh, what I wanted to say, I uh.”
Loss of mother tongue! Shit!
“Yeah??”
Oh my God, he was so cute! He tilted his head slightly to his right shoulder and grinned at me.
“I wanted to say...” Yes, what did I actually want to say? Oh man, those eyes, that grin on his face. ”I'd like to go through your room.”
I heard these words and my brain registered a fraction later what I was saying. Please, someone, make this not come true!
“Then it's okay.” Benny's grin grew wider and wider. What am I supposed to do with that? No kidding? Nothing? He must think I'm nuts. Of course, what else could he think.
“Um, yes, thank you! So I'll go over there and unpack, OK?” Get out of here, just go. Shit, it was so embarrassing here! No, not here! I was the one who was so embarrassed! Benny, on the other hand, was great! The way he reacted? Yes, he was great and so sweet!
It took quite a while before I had stowed all my stuff safely in the new cupboards. My thoughts took on a life of their own, I dreamt of Benny, what would he look like when he sleeps? And when he awakes? And what would he look like naked? I was just dreaming when I felt a hand on my shoulder and jumped like a little schoolgirl who had just been caught dreaming of horses.
“Oh, sorry, didn't mean to scare you.”
Benny was standing behind me, his hand still on my shoulder. Please keep your hand on my shoulder! This touch was driving me crazy.
Unfortunately, it only lasted a few seconds. And again this look and I was supposed to answer something.
“You can't scare me,” I purred to myself. If I keep this up, he really thinks I'm crazy.
“Then it's okay, are you done?”
Oh, shit. He grinned at me again with that indescribably sweet, cute, melancholy, irresistible smile.
“With what?”
“Um, with unpacking, maybe?”
I'm an idiot! Why do I always say such rubbish?
“Yes, I was just somewhere else.”
“I noticed that. And where were you?”
With you!
“Um, I don't know either.”
“Oh, yes.” And that grin again. ”It's OK! It's all still very strange for you. If you need anything, you know where my room is.”
Without me being able to answer, he had already disappeared.
What did he think of me?
At home--- Benjamin Degen
Hmm, that Sean is a strange one. Actually, I thought he liked me. But then that reaction about the bathroom. Okay, he was an American, I put that down to his prudishness. Yanks are just prudish. And what was that now? I just wanted to help him unpack and caught him dreaming. About his girlfriend, whom he had left alone? He didn't even go into that when I asked him. Well, how long had we known each other then? Just a few hours. What could you expect? But hey! I just wanted to help him.
I would like to walk around your room. What was that supposed to mean? Probably he couldn't speak German as well as I thought.
Could he?
I lay down on the bed and dozed off a little.
Dreamt of Sean caressing me, kissing me, talking to me and kissing me again. Hmmm. Of a stupid cow standing in the door and screaming Shit loudly. Sean's girlfriend? I woke up from this loud Shit.
“Shit! Bullshit!”
No, not a dream! Someone was screaming Shit!
From the bathroom!
Still half asleep, I opened the door. Sean, with only a towel around his hips, was hopping from one leg to the other. With both hands he held his cheeks. American rituals to summon rain? I just cackled. Sorry, at the sight of it?
Sean looked at me with a look that should probably kill me. But he didn't.
“Sean? What's wrong?”
“This aftershave stings like hell! How can you use something like that?”
“Why? What did you use?”
He points to the blue Joop! Nightfly Eau de Toilette bottle without the atomizer. And that really stings on freshly shaved skin.
“Sean! This isn't aftershave!”
“Oh!”
I handed him the Nivea Balm, which he then immediately smeared on.
“Phew, that feels good.”
I looked at him and at the same moment we both burst out laughing.
“Sean, you just looked really stupid. Sorry, but that had to come out.”
His laughter died down and he looked at me, annoyed? Serious? Surprised? and said:
“Hmm, yes I know, I just sometimes look like what was the word? Stupid? I'm sorry.”
He said it and disappeared into his room without saying a word.
What was that now? Did I hurt him?
Should I not have laughed? Was he so sensitive?
I put my hands on the sink and looked at myself in the mirror.
Haphazard thoughts hit the outskirts of my brain. Sean grew up in a different culture, so he thought differently from a European.
In a “theocracy” as it is not known here in Europe, where church and state are strictly separated. Unlike in the US.
Where a bare bosom on TV attracts more attention than reports of torture in Iraq or Guantánamo.
In whose media it is spread that there is only one good one (namely the USA) and its allies who allow themselves criticism are scourged as a rogue state. In a country where the Geneva Conventions are not valid and this country takes for itself to be morally a role model. Yes, to be a constitutional state that locks people up without a fair trial and tortures them for years. The free country of the Bush era!
My hands went to the tap, I turned it on and splashed cold water in my face.
And Sean?
Oh shit! Should I run after him every time Mister America superstar had got something in the wrong throat?
No! I didn't feel like it, he should call his stupid trine in the USA!
He could then whine to her.
Boooaaahhrr! I urgently needed a beer and a smoke! No sooner thought than done! Down to the kitchen, beer from the fridge, to the kitchen table and a smoke lit.
“What are you doing?” Sean asked as he came down the stairs.
“I'm having a beer and a smoke.”
“You're not allowed to do that!”
“Says who?”
“The law!”
“Huh? Who?”
“You're not even allowed to smoke and drink beer yet!”
“Yes I am! Here in Germany you can smoke and drink beer from the age of 16!”
“What? You're kidding me, right?”
“Nope, why would I do that? Do you want a beer too?”
“Um, what?”
“Do you want a beer too?”
“Oh man, I think I need to get used to Europe first.”
“Do that, but quickly, you live in Europe now!”
“Yes, I'm trying, but I just realized that Europe and the US are fundamentally different.”
“Yes, maybe the governments, but also the people?”
“Yes, the people too, it's true!”
“How so?”
“Well, Americans like to talk about freedom, you have it!”
“Have I offended you?” I asked Sean.
“How?”
“Well, with the stupid and stuff? If that's the case, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.”
Sean looked at the ground. I had hurt him. That probably meant pulling myself together in the future! Phew! That would be difficult with Sean.
He just said that he wanted to go to bed and sleep. I wished him a good night and that was that.
“Hello, brother! You've probably just ruined your chances, haven't you?” I hadn't even heard Leif come in.
“Don't be annoying!”
“You like him, but you're too scared to tell him!“ Sometimes Leif is brilliant, but only sometimes.
“100 points.”
“And now? Is your American boy going to walk languishingly around your room and you're going to stare at him languishingly, or what?” There are times when I could kill Leif.
“He's not gay anyway, so stop it!”
“I think he's pretty gay, the way he looks at you!”
“Huh?”
“Man Benny, he's into you, that's how it is!”
“Oh, and how do you know that?”
“I'm smart and I have eyes in my head!”
“Since when?” I grinned at Leif, who just shook his head and walked up. Was I so wrong about my brother?
Could Sean really be gay?
Please! He's cute, he's... everything!
Gay soccer player at FC Bayern! I could already see the headline of the tabloid in front of me! The first headline would probably be:
How gay is Sean really? Can a pretty woman help him???
And then they would probably start a call and put the tits of the applicants on the first page! According to the motto:
Look Sean, German tits are so beautiful! DISGUSTING!!!
The Bild newspaper still hasn't shaken off the “glorious” seventies. The language level has remained the same, as has the world view,
which also got stuck in the Middle Ages. It's just boring, intolerant and vulgar! If only you could laugh about it, but no, they're serious!
A noise woke me up the next morning. It sounded a bit like an airport, the typical turbine noise of the jets. After an endless five minutes, I was even able to localize the noise – it was definitely coming from the bathroom. The hair dryer! It shot into my skull. Yes, that must be it. My hands pulled the blanket over my face, it happened automatically. I let out a growl and turned around until I felt eyes on me. Slowly, I blinked out from under the covers and saw Sean grinning in front of my bed.
“Hello sleepyhead!”
“Hi, sleepyhead hater!”
Sean's face now showed a horror that I definitely didn't want.
“What hater? I thought we were friends?”
Without waiting for an answer, he ran out of my room. Shit! Now I was wide awake and jumped out of bed to intercept Sean in the hallway.
I caught his arm and held him tight.
“Wait! I didn't mean it like that, of course we're friends! You misunderstood me, I meant that you woke me up, nothing more.”
His eyes appraised me and his sad eyes became radiant again.
“Yes, I see.”
His head pointed to a region that was in the lower part of my body and I followed it. Before I saw my morning wood, I felt it. Embarrassing! How do you get out of embarrassing situations? Right! Stay cool!
“Oh, my morning wood! I sometimes have that, luckily I'm wearing these shorts,” I grinned back as coolly as possible.
“Wow! You're cool. If I were you, I'd probably have sunk into the ground!”
“Why? It's quite normal, isn't it, or do you never have a morning wood?”
“Um, of course.”
I said and walked away. Me, cool? Sean had got a completely wrong impression of me, and I had to fix it as quickly as possible. But how? No idea!
When I arrived at the breakfast table, I noticed first of all that Leif was talking to Sean and that the two of them seemed to be getting on very well. The second thing I noticed was that we were alone – my dad had already left for the training center. Hmm, that was strange. It usually took Leif ages to deign to befriend someone. This time it seemed to be different with Sean; the two were laughing and joking. I hardly recognized my brother. I must have missed something.
“Hey you two!”
“Hey, you one,” they said in unison.
Conspiracy! That was the first thought that came to my mind. The two had joined forces to pull one over on me. But they hadn't reckoned on the famous Benny the quick-witted. All right, so I just played along for a bit.
“And what are you laughing at?”
“Oh, brother dear, Sean was just telling me how you reacted so coolly to your mola.”
“And?“ I became more nervous by the second.
“Well, I told him how my oh-so-cool big brother reacted when I caught him jerking off.” No sooner had he finished this sentence than Leif leaned back in his chair with relish to watch the show that was about to unfold.
My head (I wanted to, but couldn't do anything about it) turned red. Oh, God! When I think back to it! Just embarrassing. I was in the shower in Hamburg, pampering my pride and joy, when who should burst in on me in the middle of this extremely important session? That's right, my little brother. Once again, I had forgotten to lock the door. Instead of just turning around, my brain clicked off, and I tried to grab a towel.
Which was not so easy, because the hanger was a bit far away. Well, it was wet – supposed to happen in the shower – and that's why I fell flat on my face.
And then I lay on the floor like a crashed ladybug in front of Leif. Do I have to tell you more? I don't think so. Or do I?
Hmm. Leif stood motionless in front of me and then said as he turned to leave: “So, Benny, next time you're jerking off, just let me know so I can get your friends to have a laugh too.” Yes, one of the highlights of my life.
I looked at the two of them, who could hardly stop laughing. Well, so much for the theory. Benjamin Degen would be cool. At least that was settled.
“Yeah! All right now, where's Dad?” Distraction!
Leif looked at me with narrowed eyes and replied, ”Benny, stop hanging around with the guys, it's not like you.”
He was right! That's the worst part of it, I'm not the type for that, I'm much too shy, but did he have to tell Sean like that? And then there was this story that my brain tried to erase by just making me forget it? Although I wanted to make it clear to him how I really am – not the tough guy, but more the shy guy. Leif has accepted it by now.
“Yes, all right! So Sean, I'm not who you think I am. I'm now, um, different! Um, oh, I don't know.”
“Huh?” Sean looked at me with wide eyes and probably didn't understand the world anymore or me.
“Well, Sean,” it was my brother again who took the initiative, ”Benny is the shyest and at the same time the sweetest person you can imagine. Even if he is sometimes very, very strange.”
Leif? Something like that from my brother? That was almost a declaration of love. The boy must have had a fever!
Chapter 2: Benjamin Degen
The week dragged on. Most of the time I was alone, Sean at training, Leif somewhere. But I didn't mind, because it gave me time to properly furnish my room, check out the area a bit, and of course call some friends in Hamburg. And to brood. I wondered what it would be like to have a friend I could be there for. The phone pulled me out of my thoughts and I picked it up. I only heard a lot of mumbling until it occurred to me that it must have been English – with a terrible slang. I understood only half of what the other person was telling me. A friend of Sean's, I understood that much, and that he would like to talk to him. Since Sean is currently at training, I put him off and suggested that he call back later. But since I already had this friend on the line, I asked him a little about Sean. Did he have to leave his girlfriend at home? In response, I heard sobbing. Oops, what's going on here? The other one, his name was Jason, calmed down quickly and said something like that. I felt a bit queasy and wanted to end the conversation when Jason said to me, “Be a good friend to him and quickly hung up.
What was that supposed to mean? ‘Something like that?’ Did he have a girlfriend or not? Or a boyfriend? The longer I thought about it, the clearer it became to me. Jason is his boyfriend – it couldn't be any different. At that moment, everything fell apart inside me. Sean is gay – great! But he's got a boyfriend – shit! Why did this have to happen to me? But what could I do about it? Nothing! And on the other hand, I finally had someone to talk to. Someone who felt the same way I did. All of a sudden, I felt better and decided to go to the training ground.
Once there, I rode my bike straight to the training ground, which earned me a scolding from the onlookers watching from the fence. The security guard recognized me and immediately opened the gate for me, and the crowd fell silent with curious looks. They probably thought I was a new player here for a trial training session. The team was just about to leave the building. Daniel and Sean spotted me and trotted over to me.
“Our mascot is showing his face again!”
Daniel was the one who said that. Sean looked at us irritated.
“Did I miss something now? Why mascot?”
“Hm, right! You hadn't been there yet when the coach introduced us to his son. So Sean, the little one there is our mascot.”
“Oh.“ Sean looked more and more bewildered and didn't understand anything anymore – I couldn't help grinning.
“And Benny, what brings you here? Did you come to pick me up from training?” Daniel grinned at me.
“Um, actually I came to pick up Seani.”
“Seani?” Daniel raised one eyebrow and, as he stood there, looked like he was competing with Mr. Spock. He then continued, ‘What a shame, and I thought you came for me?”
“For what? You have a girlfriend who will surely take you up in a moment.”
“Boahh, stop it!’ Daniel made a dismissive hand gesture and jogged off.
I turned to Seani.
“What's up with him?”
“I guess he's tired of his girlfriend – she's probably being pretty annoying.”
“Who wants a girlfriend?”
Seani froze and looked at me thoughtfully.
“How long have you been calling me Seani?”
Well, actually I didn't mean to, it just slipped out after Jason kept calling Sean that on the phone.
I lowered my head and whispered, “Jason.”
Panic! That's probably the most appropriate word to describe Sean's facial expression.
“You know Jason? How?”
“He called earlier and wanted to talk to you and, well, we just started talking.”
“And what did you talk about?”
“About you!”
“Yes, I know, but what exactly?”
The little one was getting more and more nervous and I would have liked to have held him, just as he was standing there now, totally sweaty and infinitely helpless.
What should I say to him? The assumption I had? I tried another way.
“Relationship?”
Sean Kaiser (a few hours ago)
My alarm clock rang and I went over to Benny's room to get into the bathroom. Quietly, I opened the door and saw Benny lying in bed, fast asleep. What a sight! His cute tousled head was on the pillow, the duvet pulled up to his nose. I just couldn't take my eyes off him and in an automatic reaction I kissed him on the forehead. I just had to. Benny moved his head and mumbled my name in his sleep. I was slightly startled, thinking he had felt something and woke up from it. I didn't dare move, or even breathe. Relieved, I saw that he would probably still sleep until he started mumbling again. So he talks in his sleep – how cute! I could hardly understand what he was saying, as he had a heavy Hamburg slang on it. Especially at that moment. I understood only fragments of what he mumbled: Sean, kiss m., yuck... love, please, so much and the rest was undefinable grumbling. But what I had heard was enough to trigger a wave of jubilant thoughts in me. Still in the shower, I came up with the most fantastic things I would do with Benny. Would I let him fidget until he came to me on his own? Or would I just walk up to him and kiss him passionately on the mouth, just to see his bewildered expression? I had so many options open to me, but the best thing was that Benny had a crush on me. I felt like I was on cloud nine, it was incredible! In a good mood, I finished showering and blow-drying my hair and entered Benny's room again. He was now awake.
“Hello, sleepyhead!” I greeted him.
“Hello, enemy of sleepyheads!” I got again. Sssnnnooosch! From the cloud into the deepest crater and all within a second. I didn't understand it and said to Benny:
“How enemy? I thought we were friends?”
Just get out of here! I almost ran out into the hallway, but Benny was faster and grabbed me by the arm.
“Wait! I didn't mean it like that, of course we're friends! You misunderstood me, I was just referring to you waking me up, nothing more.”
While I kept my head bowed the whole time, I saw his boner, which couldn't be missed in his shorts. And I just had to grin.
“Yes! I see!“ And pointed to his shorts. I think that if I had been in his situation, I would have been a bit embarrassed. But Benny?
“Oh, my morning wood! I sometimes have it, luckily I'm wearing these shorts,” he just grinned at me coolly.
“Wow! You're cool. I'd probably have sunk into the ground in your place!”
“Why? It's quite normal, isn't it? Don't you ever have a morning wood?”
“Um, of course I do.”
Once we had settled that, I went downstairs to eat breakfast. Leif was already sitting at the table and greeted me.
I've got along very well with Leif so far. We didn't see each other that often, but when we did, we always had a lot of fun. I know from Benny that Leif is quite a loner, but I couldn't really believe that. He was way too relaxed with me for that. We fooled around a lot and Leif was basically much more relaxed than his brother. Although I now knew why Benny sometimes seemed a bit uptight. And why not talk to Leif about it?
“Say, Leif, could it be that Benny's gay?”
Leif looked at me with wide eyes.
“You figured that out so quickly? Not bad!”
“Well, not exactly, but your brother talks in his sleep!”
Leif spurted the milk he had just drunk over half the table.
“It was bound to happen that he would blurt it out in his sleep. Awesome!” Leif now became more serious and looked at me thoughtfully before speaking, ”And what about you? You fell in love with Benny, didn't you?”
“Yes, I did! If only he wasn't so damn cool!”
“Who? My brother? Well, I think I have to tell you a story about that!”
Leif then told me the story of how he caught Benny jerking off and then Benny slipped and was lying in front of him. We doubled over with laughter and just then Benny burst into the kitchen.
“What are you laughing at?”
“Oh, brother, Sean was just telling me how you reacted so cool to your mola.”
“And?“ You could really see how Benny was getting more and more nervous.
“Well, then I told him how my oh-so-cool big brother reacted when I caught him jerking off.” No sooner had he finished this sentence than Leif leaned back in his chair with relish to watch the spectacle that was about to unfold.
You could be nasty to Leif. I had to pull myself together hard not to laugh. But this sight was just too funny. You could really count the seconds in which Benny became more and more restless and nervous. The poor guy! It was still funny.
“Yes, all right! Look, Sean, I'm not who you think I am. I'm different now! Um, oh, I don't know.”
“Huh?” Now I was the one who was surprised. What was this, a coming out in front of me or what?
“Well, Sean,” it was Leif again who took the initiative, ”Benny is the shyest person and at the same time the kindest person you can imagine. Even if he is sometimes very, very strange.”
I grinned quietly to myself and just thought that I already knew what kind of strange person Benny is.
The morning training always started at 10 a.m. and lasted 1 1/2 hours. Most mornings, only fitness training was on the agenda. So, stretching first and then jumping and running exercises, mostly with the ball. One of the first differences to the training I had in the States was that here they really only worked with the ball. In the past, there was often monotonous training, but here the exercises were constantly changing. For example, the good old wheelbarrow that everyone knows. In the past, it was boring up and down hopping, but here poles were set up and each wheelbarrow had a ball in front of it, which it then had to maneuver around these poles in a slalom. This served to improve coordination and team spirit, because the person behind had to steer the person in front by holding their legs. At the beginning it was hard for me, because I first had to get used to the workload, but in the meantime it worked. Also thanks to the team, who had welcomed me very openly. With one or two players there was trouble at the beginning because they were afraid for their starting place. They fouled me harder than necessary when tackling.
I then gave it back to them and they quickly realized that I wouldn't put up with that kind of thing. That was it, with the rest of the team there were and are no problems. Of course, you get along better with some than with others, but that's normal with 26 different guys.
I somehow got on well with Daniel Berg straight away. He's a really nice person who you just have to get along with. He's always in a good mood and up for a laugh.
Between the two training sessions, there was lunch and massages or recovery in the fatigue pool, which I always enjoyed, not only because Daniel usually sat next to me.
The afternoon training then usually consisted of tactical things like moves, set pieces, defensive behavior, training games and so on. After the cool down, training was usually over by 4 p.m.
I was just running when Daniel, next to me, and we heard a murmur from the onlookers. We both turned to see what was going on, and there was Benny riding his bike onto the training ground. Strange! That was the first time I saw him here at all and I already thought that he just wouldn't be interested in football. I found it even stranger that Daniel knew him, because as soon as he saw him, he ran over to him beaming with joy. It was Daniel who reached Benny first. I just heard him call him a mascot. I understood less and less and must have looked like I didn't understand because the two explained what it was about.
“And Benny, what brings you here? Did you want to pick me up from training?” Daniel said to Benny.
“Um, actually I wanted to pick up Seani.”
Seani? Only Jason ever called me that, and I felt a slight dizzy spell coming on.
“Seani?” Daniel's eyebrow went up and wondered about this address until he continued, ‘It's a shame and I thought you were coming for me.”
“What for? You have a girlfriend who will take you away in a second.”
“Boahh, just stop it!’ Daniel made a dismissive hand gesture and jogged away from us.
Benny turned to me and asked,
“What's up with him?”
“He's probably tired of his girlfriend – she's probably getting on his nerves.“ I'd known for a while that Daniel was having trouble with his Tussnella; she was probably taking up so much of his time that he hardly had any left for other things.
“Who wants a girlfriend?” Benny replied. I almost choked on my own spit.
“Since when do you call me Seani?”
Actually, my question should sound quite inconsequential but the answer was quite something.
Very quietly, almost whispering, Benny replied: “Jason.”
Kaawwwuuummm! It hit me and almost knocked me off my feet. Shit! How did he know Jason? And did Benny now think that I was still together with Jason? It sent a cold shiver down my spine.
“You know Jason? How?”
“He called earlier and wanted to talk to you and well, we just started talking.”
“And what did you talk about?”
“About you!”
“Yeah, I know, but what exactly?”
I just had to know everything! Now that I know that Benny is gay, I didn't want to lose him because of such bullshit.
“Relationship?”
“I'm not with Jason anymore!” It came out of my mouth like a shot from a pistol.
Benny grinned from ear to ear. That ass! He didn't know anything and tried to draw me out like that. Yes, I knew something already, I already knew that Benny was gay, but not from me, did he?
“You little bitch!” I shouted and threw myself on him to tickle him.
“Stop, please, have mercy!”
He squealed miserably a few times until I let him go.
“Well, tickled enough by the master?”
I then helped him up while he provocatively smelled my jersey and grimaced in disgust.
“Boa ey, you stink like a whole herd of sheep!”
So I took him in a headlock. Benny gasped and laughed at the same time.
After we calmed down a bit, we both lay on the floor next to each other.
“Duuu?” came from Benny.
“Hmm?”
“Have you been together for long? You and Jason?”
“No, just a few weeks and then Europe happened.”
I knew that Benny wouldn't give up, so I told him the whole story with Jason.
Thoughtfully, he looked at me and then finally said:
“It must be pretty shitty for Jason, the whole situation.”
“It wasn't exactly easy for me either.”
“But it didn't sound like that.”
“How should it sound? Should I walk around here crying all day?”
“No, that's not what I meant! Was it not the greatest love either?”
Was it love at all? What is love? Can you feel it when you've fallen in love? I had no idea. Did I love Benny?
I just knew that I liked being with him and that I missed him when he wasn't around. Was that love?
We lay there in silence for a while, I knew that I didn't have to answer his question, sometimes silence means more than any spoken word.
Saturday – barbecue evening Benjamin Degen
The evening was a great success. The players came with their wives or girlfriends and were really relaxed for a change.
Daniel came alone, which didn't really surprise me, and so the three of us usually sat together. He told us about his relationship and what went wrong. I was a little surprised how casually he could talk about it.
“Women are so shitty, first they act like they want to go to bed with you three times a day and then they have a headache and prefer to go shopping, of course at our expense, and in the evening they even grumble when you want to go out alone, brrr. I'll just say one thing: keep your hands off those creatures.”
“My words.”
“And you, Benny, don't have an opinion at all, do you?”
I grinned nastily to myself and shook my head with laughter.
“Hmm, nope!”
“Oh man, another womanizer.”
“Nah, probably the opposite.” Daniel just looked at me questioningly and I almost burst with laughter.
While I was still giggling, the two were talking about soccer, which didn't interest me at the moment. A little tipsy from the alcohol, I said goodbye to the two of them and went to bed.
I couldn't fall asleep right away, which is more the rule than the exception for me, since I'm basically quite a daydreamer, and then I start spinning stories that have nothing in common with reality.
I dreamt that I felt Sean's hand on my stomach, gently stroking the hairline just below my belly button, and I got goosebumps and Sean whispered something in my ear that I couldn't understand. Why couldn't I understand it, after all it was my brain that came up with it, wasn't it? Hmm, strange. I must have fallen asleep after all, and now I tried to wake up, which I then managed to do.
Still completely drowsy, I felt a real body behind me, entwining me and holding me tight with its arms. What was going on here? Now wide awake, I turned to this real person, to finally look into the two cutest eyes in this universe, Sean's. I was about to say something when he put his fingers on my mouth and told me to shut up. I just enjoyed what happened next, my first sex with another human. Damn, what a fuss I had made about it before: What if I was too clumsy? What if my dick was too small or too big for him? What if I was too thin or too fat for him? What if he wanted to do things to me that I wasn't ready for? What if a piece of frozen shit from an airplane hit us? Is it because I'm from northern Germany and therefore always worry so much, as we are often accused of? No idea, that night I must have switched to southern European and just let myself go. It was beautiful, I oriented myself to Sean, we laughed, we were just horny for each other, without a brain, everything switched off, we surrendered to our urges.
The next morning, or was it already noon? I had completely lost my sense of time. We picked up where we left off during the night, only this time we were decidedly slower, more tender, more overwhelming, the initial curiosity was satisfied – what followed was the free program. We blew each other in the “69” position and both came at the same time, which triggered an incredible feeling of togetherness in me. Yes, Sean and I were a couple! Everything else was insignificant, only we mattered, only we are important, our relationship!
How wrong I was at that time, I didn't know yet.
We spent the day at the Isar like two teenage lovers, which we were, more fiddling with each other than looking at the area, we went for a walk, always thinking about the fact that we would be separated for a week from tomorrow because of the training camp.
Sean slept in my room that night, too. My dad, who wanted to wake Sean that morning, found an empty room and ran straight to mine to give me the message. He opened my door, saw us cuddled up together, walked backwards out, not without saying his piece:
“Sean, when my son lets you go, I expect you at the breakfast table – the plane won't wait!” My door closed almost silently.
“And, son of my trainer, can you let go of me?”
“Never!”
“Hmm, then I'll get fired and you'll have to support me.”
“If you then do the housework?” I was still able to ward off the first pillow that was to hit me. ‘Former soccer star spotted taking out the trash.’ The second pillow then hit me squarely.
We fooled around at the table for quite a while until it was time: the FC Bayern pick-up service was at the door, I helped the two of them stow the bags and said goodbye to my dad, only to then kiss my new, and first, friend goodbye. Shit, that already hurt, even though he hadn't even left yet. I didn't want to! Not now! I needed Sean! Garbage! My brother, who was standing next to me with a knowing smile, then said:
“Well, did you and Sean finally work it out?”
“What? Um, yes, why?”
“Nothing, it took long enough.”
“Pardon?”
“You're just a bit ditzy sometimes, but otherwise quite okay.”
“Oh, thanks.” Is that supposed to be my brother? The super shy one I once knew? I no longer understood the world. Shit, my hormones or whatever else is responsible for this, were entering a dangerous phase. Please don't cry in front of my little brother! I turned away from him so that he couldn't see my tears and stomped back into the house, alone. Shit! What was I doing here alone? Without Sean?

Part 1

I don't know how she managed it, but now I was sitting here in the open air, hoping that something would soon happen on stage.
She? I'm talking about my favorite aunt Sabine, who had dragged me to an open-air concert. At the age of eighteen, not exactly my taste in music. Squeezed into an old jacket, I felt very cramped.
“Kevin, do you want the program?“, Sabine asked me.
“A bag of popcorn would be better for me now,” I replied, grinning as I accepted the booklet.
I opened it and began to read, since nothing was happening on stage yet anyway. Piano pieces by Brahms and Tchaikovsky. Very interesting, I always wanted to hear them. Benjamin Kohler at the piano. Surely some old, little, gray little man who will soon start hitting the keys.
The people around me started clapping. I looked up. And what can I say? It took my breath away. So much for the old man. He was about my age and?wow, was he handsome.
I'm not really into long hair, but his black curls rose gently with every step and fell back just as softly. My aunt pushed me.
“If you're hungry, we can eat something during the break,“ she said.
“How? What?
Stop staring like that, people might think you want to eat him.”
I blushed, but had to smile at the same time.
“So noticeable?”
“Yes,” said Sabine, and started giggling.
I loved that about Sabine. She was my mother's younger sister, but to me she was more of a good friend. She was the first person I tried out my so-called outing with. She just said, “So what, who cares?”
She has retained this directness to this day and when I was in trouble she was always there for me. And today she had just dragged me to this concert.
“I knew you'd like Benjamin,“ she continued quietly.
“You know him?” I asked, probably a bit too loudly.
The people next to us turned their heads and I received angry looks. What are they all about, he hasn't even started playing yet.
“I'll tell you later, just enjoy the music for now,” Sabine whispered to me and looked back to the front again.
After the applause had died down, Benjamin sat down at the piano. I opened the program booklet again and saw what he would play:
Nocturne No. 2 E-flat major opus 9 No. 2<
Aha, I thought, how am I supposed to know what he's going to play? It became quiet in the stands, only the rustling of the nearby forest could still be heard. Benjamin began to play softly. He gently struck the notes and I thought, I know this from somewhere.
I dreamily listened to the music and couldn't stop watching him. He had his eyes closed. His hair swayed slightly in the fresh breeze, which I now noticed too. I looked at his fingers, which seemed to float over the keys with an ease.
I was just sitting there, lost in the piano playing. When he struck the high notes, everything in me tightened. And before I realized it, the first piece was finished and everyone around me began to applaud.
Benjamin turned his head, nodded, smiled, and went back to his piano. Another slow piece, and again it seemed familiar. I looked at the booklet, which only said something about an etude in E major.
How am I supposed to remember that? I put the booklet aside and decided to just enjoy the music. Only when the intermission began did I realize how much time had passed. Benjamin left the stage to loud applause.
“And how did you like it so far?“ Sabine asked, waking me from my daydream.
“Not bad,” I said.
“Not bad?” Is that all you have to say about it?
“Yes, all right. I liked it, thanks for taking me here.”
That's right, would you like a drink?
“I'm always thirsty,” I said.
Sabine pulled me to the exit, where there were several tables. She took out her wallet and paid for something. She came back with two champagne glasses. She handed me one and clinked glasses with me. I sipped it and immediately made a face.
Hey, this isn't Prosecco, it's champagne,“ she said and took a small sip.
I'd rather stick with Prosecco, at least it's not as dry as this stuff here.
But this stuff is three times more expensive than your swill,” she said and started grinning again.
You still wanted to answer my question, I said to change the subject.
Oh, you wanted to know if I know Benjamin?
Yes.
I can say that I do. Benjamin is the son of a fellow student of mine, she said and took another sip of her drink.
Then maybe I could get an autograph for myself.
Not the address,' she asked.
Sabine!
I just thought, and I saw her suppress a laugh.
Don't think, just finish your drink. I feel uncomfortable among so many penguins.
Besides, it seems to be continuing, people are already leaving.
“It will start again when the gong sounds,” Sabine said.
No sooner had she said that than it sounded over the loudspeakers that had been set up here. So we handed back our glasses. The man behind the table looked at me strangely because my glass was still quite full. Then I followed Sabine back to our seats.
Now there was an orchestra sitting in front and I thought Benjamin would not come anymore. But the piano was still there. The musicians rose and Benjamin entered the stage behind a man.
He seemed to be the conductor. There was loud applause again and after it had become quiet, I waited for the music to start. I jumped when the orchestra began to play loudly.
And then Benjamin started, together with the orchestra.
“That's Tchaikovsky,“ Sabine whispered in my ear.
“Who, the man conducting?” I asked quietly.
Sabine covered her mouth and tried not to laugh out loud.
“No, the piece is by Tchaikovsky,” she whispered to me again.
“I see,” I just said and sank back into the piano playing of Benjamin. And as at the beginning, I flinched when the orchestra started loudly.
And I get in trouble when I turn up my music too loud at home, and here you almost get a hearing loss. Benjamin swept over the keys. His head jerked wildly to the music he was playing and his hair flew back and forth.
He seemed to really get into his music, as I was doing right now. Slowly I lost myself and was only fixated on Benjamin. The sounds of his piano playing carried me away, and slowly images began to form in my head that matched the music.
*-*-*
“I'm returning your son,“ Sabine said when she found my mom in the kitchen at my house.
“And how often did you have to wake him up?” my mom asked.
“Not at all,” Sabine replied.
My mom gave me a strange look. She approached me and felt my forehead.
“But you haven't been sick for long, Kevin, have you?”
“Mom! What's that supposed to mean?”
“When I hear your tootling from above, I can't imagine that you enjoyed tonight somehow.”
Sabine started to grin.
“I liked it very much and I'm thinking about whether I'll go there with Sabine more often.”
Sabine started laughing loudly, my mother looked between us questioningly.
“I'm going up to my place. Thanks again, Sabine, for the great evening,” I said, saying goodbye to them both.
Once upstairs, I unlocked my small attic apartment. At least a bit of privacy, I thought. In the bedroom, I immediately got rid of my clothes and stood indecisively in front of my closet when I hung my jacket back on the hanger.
I really had to get a few more things if I wanted to go to concerts with Sabine. Of course, only to the ones where Benjamin was going to be. I pulled an autograph card out of the inside pocket of my jacket that Sabine had gotten for me.
Dreamy, I let myself fall onto the bed and devoured Benjamin's face with my eyes. I started grinning. How old am I? Here I am, lying here, raving about someone as if I were fourteen years old.
A quick trip to the bathroom, and then somehow tired, back to bed. Snuggled up in my blanket, I fell asleep with a grin on my lips.
*-*-*
“Morning,“ I said as I entered my mother's kitchen.
“Did you fall out of bed, or what are you doing down here so early?” my mom asked in disbelief.
“No, I want to go shopping in the city and today, on Saturday, it's better if I leave a little earlier,” I replied.
“Breakfast?”
No thanks mom, I already had some upstairs. I just want to quickly call Sabine to see if she has time and wants to come with me.”
“You and Sabine, the inseparable?”
“Be happy that I'm so family-oriented,“ I replied grinning.
“Morning.”
My dad was standing in the doorway.
“Morning,” we both replied in unison.
“Already awake?“ my Dad asked.
“Yes, and already having breakfast?” I said and disappeared in the living room.
I took the phone and dialed Sabine's number.
“Ziegler?”
“Morning Sabine, this is Kevin, do you already have plans this morning?”
“Morning Kevin, no I have not planned anything yet.”
Would you like to go shopping with me a bit?
Do you need the expert advice of a woman? Sabine replied with a laugh.
Of course, you said yourself yesterday that I should get myself something decent.
Okay, when shall we meet and, above all, where?
At ten, in front of Karstadt?
Yes, I can make that, so see you later, Sabine said goodbye.
See you later, Tsch.?
*-*-*
Later in the city
What's with your hair?
What's with my hair, are you starting again, I said to Sabine, annoyed.
Yes, because I think your hairstyle is absolutely boring.
And what would you suggest I change?
Do you trust me?“ Sabine asked with a smile.
“Would I otherwise be here with you?” I countered.
“Then come with me,” she said, pulling me by the sleeve of my sweater.
I had been sitting at the hairdresser's for over an hour now. Totally annoyed, I was curious to see what instructions Sabine had given. I sat deliberately not in front of a mirror, because Sabine wanted to surprise me.
I had to think of the TV, where you always saw these before and after programs. Restlessly, I looked around to see if there was a camera somewhere. The nice hairdresser, who smiled at me the whole time, was at his last activity, the thinning.
Then the big moment arrived. The nice man pushed me to the big mirror. My jaw dropped. What had happened to my brown hair? Straw-blonde, totally disheveled, my hair was standing on end in every direction.
“Well, what do you think?“ Sabine asked me, standing behind me.
“It takes getting used to,” I managed to utter.
“Well, I think your brown eyes are now shown to their best advantage,“ she said.
I looked at myself again more closely. Somehow I did look different. ‘Wilder and cheekier,’ would have been my mum's words.
“So now let's go shopping,” said Sabine, paying for everything.
“To what do I owe this honor?” I asked in astonishment.
Don't ask and use it while I'm in a good mood.
Back outside on the pedestrian walkway, she stopped for a long time in front of a jewelry store.
“How about a new earring?“ she suddenly asked.
“What do you have against the stud?” I asked.
You've had it for two years now, it's time for something new,“ grinned Sabine.
“And what did the lady have in mind?” I asked, now a little annoyed.
“That thing there, to the right of the gold watch.”
“That looks more like children's jewelry to me, it's so colorful.”
“Colorful? Young man, those are rainbow colors.”
“Do gay men wear earrings?“ I asked, and took a closer look.
“Seems so. Would you like this one?”
“Do you still have your generous pockets on?” I said and started laughing.
She made a face, but then started laughing too.
“Come inside, it's not expensive, I think it would look good on you.”
I went with her into the jewelry store and I already had a new earring. Why do you actually also say to the plug ring, I wondered, as I pfrimmelte the ring to the ear. Sabine didn't give me a breather and pulled me on.
*-*-*
Didn't you want to meet Kevin?, asked my mom, Sabine.
I did, he is standing at the car and unloads his new acquisitions. Monika, put your glasses on please, that's Kevin.
My mom disappeared briefly into the house to come back with the glasses on her nose.
Oh my God, what happened to Kevin?
Just a new outfit, I said, coming from the car loaded with bags.
“Blonde hair?”
My mother shook her head.
“Oh, Monika, don't be like that, I think you have a very handsome son,“ said Sabine, and I began to blush as I squeezed past the two of them.
“And what does he have in the bags?” my mom asked, walking behind me with Sabine.
“New clothes, what else, Mum, I was shopping!”
“Well, let's see them,“ said my mom and dropped onto the couch.
After the fashion show was over, I stowed everything back in the bags.
“I have to say, I have a really handsome son.”
“Right, I noticed that too, he can really wear anything,” replied Sabine.
Annoyed, I rolled my eyes.
“I'm going to go up and tidy the clothes,“ I said, and made my way upstairs.
As I passed, Sabine ruffled my hair.
“I think it's cool,” she said, grinning after me.
When I got to the top, I dropped everything on my bed. My eyes fell on Benjamin's autograph card, which was standing upright on my bedside table. There was a knock at my apartment door. I left the bedroom, closed my door and then opened the apartment door.
“Hello son, why are the two chickens cackling like that in the kitchen?” asked my dad, who was standing at the door.
I grinned at him.
You don't need to say anything more, I can see that for myself. Do you think a change of scenery would do me good too?
Why, do you want to go out on the prowl and hit the disco? I blurted out as I ran into my kitchen.
Do you want to?
What do you think?
Yes, or why this complete change of appearance, which, by the way, suits you well.
Thanks Dad. It was Sabine's idea, I would always walk around so boringly.
My sister-in-law, typically.
What about me?
I turned around. Sabine had also come up.
I was just complimenting your good taste, my Dad said with a cheeky grin.
A smile also formed on my face as Sabine looked at me questioningly.
“Oh, why I'm coming up at all, Kevin, would you like to accompany me tonight and visit an old college friend?“ Sabine asked.
“I don't know... oh, you mean the college friend?” I asked.
“Exactly her,” grinned Sabine.
My father looked questioningly between us back and forth.
Dad, do not look like that, if the girls here have secrets from you, I said to him and patted him comfortingly on the shoulder.
Sabine bent with laughter.
*-*-*
I stood restlessly in front of the mirror and tried to get my hair to look as wild as the hairdresser's. Sabine wanted to pick me up at seven. Shouldn't I put on the yellow shirt after all. Oh man, I'm really turning into a fagot soon.
I decided to stay as I was. I ran down to my parents and met Sabine, who had probably just arrived.
“Where are you going?“ my mom asked when she saw me in my new outfit.
“To pick up men,” I said dryly and briefly.
Sabine started laughing out loud again and almost couldn't stand on her feet when she saw the look on my mom's face.
“Take it easy, Mom, Sabine wants to introduce me to a college friend tonight.”
“Then don't come home too late, there's work again tomorrow,“ said my dad, who also entered the kitchen.
“Do you have to remind me about the office, I've been behind since two colleagues were absent due to illness,” I said.
“Well, off you go then and have a nice evening,” said mum.
“You too,” I and Sabine said almost in unison.
In the car, I got nervous again. Would Benjamin be there too? My hands were clammy and I was afraid my deodorant would fail too. Eventually, the traffic slowed and we arrived in an elegant neighborhood.
“Have you missed any advanced training courses, or why don't you live in such an area?“ I asked Sabine.
“No, Lore just found the right man,” she said, driving up a small driveway.
“Am I dressed wrong, I mean, such a house, isn't there a dress code?” I asked when the house came into view.
“Don't worry Kevin, Lore is the same caliber as I am,“ Sabine said.
“Oh dear, I'm glad that Lore wasn't with us this morning while we were shopping,” I said, grinning.
“Why?”
“I don't want to know what I would look like now.”
Sabine grinned to herself as she parked her Golf next to a Jaguar. We got out and I followed her uncertainly to the entrance. Apparently we were expected, because as soon as we had climbed the first steps of the stairs, the large, heavy front door opened as if by magic.
A young man came out.
“Good evening Mrs. Ziegler, the lady is already expecting you,“ he said.
I looked at Sabine and raised my eyebrows.
“We don't have to take our shoes off, do we?” I whispered in Sabine's ear as we followed this gentleman.
She gave me a reproachful look and rolled her eyes, but then started to grin. The man stopped in front of a door in this oversized hallway and knocked. A few seconds later he entered and I heard him say something quietly.
Then he came out again and motioned for us to enter. A little uneasy, I followed Sabine. It was only thanks to everything I had not let out a loud “wow”. I found myself in a kind of library.
Two walls were full of books up to the ceiling. An elegantly dressed lady approached us.
“Do you think Phillip will thaw out at some point and become more relaxed?“ ‘Hello Lore,’ said Sabine and hugged this woman.
“I'm not sure about that, he takes his job very seriously,” she replied.
“This is my nephew Kevin, who I've already told you a lot about,” Sabine said, pointing to me.
Is there anything more embarrassing than feeling like a display piece? What had she told you about me again? My blood rushed involuntarily to my head.
“Hello Kevin.”
Hello Mrs. Kohler, I said and gave a polite hand.
I held back the servant now.
Sit down, can I offer you something to drink? Mrs. Kohler asked us and pointed to the large wing chairs in front of a fireplace.
She pressed a small button on the wall, and in no time Phillip entered the room again.
“Can I help you, ma'am?”
“A coffee?“ asked Mrs. Kohler, Sabine.
“Sure,” she replied.
“Kevin?”
“I'll have one too,” I said quietly.
“Phillip, please bring us three coffees and some of the pastries I like so much.”
Phillip nodded and left the room again. Our eyes met briefly and I didn't know how to interpret them.
“So, tell me, you went shopping with Kevin today?”
Again, I gave both women my full attention when my name was mentioned.
“Yes, you can see the result, we were also at the hairdresser's.”
“It suits him well, I think.”
A little annoyed at being the center of attention, I took a deep breath.
“Could you two stop talking about me and talk to me instead?” I asked, annoyed.
Both women laughed briefly.
“You must excuse Sabine and me, Kevin, when we're together it's always like that,” said Mrs. Kohler. ‘Oh, and I'm Lore and you're ’please'.”
I nodded and was startled when the door flew open. And there he was, standing in front of me, life-size. Benjamin had stormed into the room.
“Mom, do you know where I put my sheet music?” he asked, and rummaged through a stack of papers on the table.
He wasn't wearing any shoes, walking around barefoot. A pair of faded jeans, and, to my delight, he was wearing a shirt that was unbuttoned. I almost melted when I saw his six-pack. Do you get muscles like that from playing the piano?
“No, dear, but over there in the living room, there was something on the desk,“ Lore said.
Benjamin looked up briefly and noticed us.
“Oh, hello Sabine, nice to see you,” he said before leaving the room just as quickly.
“Nice to see you too,” Sabine called after him.
But he surely didn't hear that. Wow, he didn't even look at me, let alone say hello. He must be one of those conceited, spoiled young'uns, the son of someone important. My mood dropped to absolute zero. Sabine seemed to notice that.
“That's not like Benjamin, what's wrong with him?” Sabine asked.
Oh, he has to play at a new school, he's been playing all the time. He almost doesn't talk to us anymore, just hangs around in his room, doesn't go out either.
Lore looked a little sad.
Oh, Kevin was like that for quite a while, but now he's back to normal, said Sabine, giving me a smile.
And for what reason?, Lore asked.
The question was probably directed more at me. Helplessly, I looked at Sabine.
Don't worry, Kevin. Lore knows about you, Sabine said.
I didn't know whether I should be upset, what else Sabine had told this woman. Lore still looked at me questioningly, she expected an answer from me.
Well, when I realized I was only into guys, it was kind of a world collapse. I withdrew more and more from all events, just wanted to be alone, I hesitated.
Do you think Benjamin is too? Lore asked.
Sabine had once again cleverly put that together. She knew that I was gay and thought I could help here.
“Gay?“ I asked.
She nodded.
“I don't know, I don't know many...”
“Somehow you have to get close to the boy,” said Lore. “Don't you want to give it a try?”
I don't know, Lore?
Well, that's all planned, how naive do they think I am?
Would you do Lore a favor? Sabine asked me.
And how should I go about that nicely? I asked Sabine.
*-*-*
Somehow I was already really angry with Sabine. Lore had suggested that I look around a little. So I was walking around this mansion, looking at one room after another. Sabine could have at least told me about her plan to help Benjamin.
Now that I knew what was going on, I somehow didn't feel like staying here anymore. The sound of a piano reached my ears from somewhere, but it had lost the magic that I had felt at the concert.
I found a door leading outside, into the garden. I stood on a broad terrace. What was I still doing here? Helping this snobbish Heini? Not interested! I found my pack of cigarettes in my pocket. I took out a cigarette and kept looking for a lighter.
Fire?
I jumped, behind me stood Phillip the butler and held out a lighter.
“Thank you,“ I said briefly.
He nodded.
“Young sir, it is not my place to interfere, but in Benjamin's case I break my professional principles. Please help him,” Phillip said softly.
“How do you know?” I asked in amazement.
When I served the coffee, the ladies were talking about whether I should serve their coffee out here?
I can also go back inside and drink it there, thank you Phillip, I said.
It's no problem, just stay here, I'll bring it to you, said Phillip, put down an ashtray and disappeared inside.
This man was somehow eerie to me, but I also knew that such people were supposed to be the soul of the house and were well informed about all the events. But that he asks for help for Benjamin was extraordinary.
It didn't take long for Phillip to reappear with a silver tray holding a cup.
“Milk and sugar?”
Thank you Phillip, I drink it black.”
Phillip put the cup down on the garden table and disappeared quietly again. I took a sip and put the cup down again. Interested, I wanted to see more of the garden. It was well lit and thus still easily visible in the evening twilight.
I walked down a curved staircase into the garden, past a small waterfall that emptied into a pond below. There were bushes of magnificent flowers everywhere; the Kohlers seemed to have a good gardener.
“Could you be so kind as to tell me what you're doing here?”
I jumped again and turned around. Benjamin was standing in front of me. I was looking for words, but somehow everything stuck in my throat, I only saw two very sad eyes in front of me, in which I literally sank.
“Hello?“ Benjamin said.
“Sorry, I'm here with my aunt, Mrs. Ziegler,” I said when my voice was ready to go again.
“Sabine's nephew, so Kevin?“ he said more to himself than to me.
I had to talk to Sabine sometime, when she talks about me everywhere. But since I was already out here alone with Benjamin, I could start an attack on the good guy.
“Then you also surely know why I'm here,” I said quietly and objectively.
H???, came from Benjamin, who I had apparently just snapped out of his thoughts.
“You also surely know why I'm here, I asked?”
“No, what makes you think that?”
“Because everyone in this house knows so much about me,” I replied, thinking of Phillip.
My eyes fell on Benjamin for the first time. His clothes hadn't changed since before. My eyes lingered on his muscular chest, which was lightly hairy. A small gold pendant sparkled on a chain.
“No, I don't know. No one ever says anything to me in this house.”
A certain bitchy undertone could be heard.
“Why are you here?“ he asked.
“Because I'm supposed to take care of you.”
“You? I'm already out of the age range for a governess,” he said, laughing hysterically.
“I think so too, and I don't know what I would have lost here in the first place.”
Oh, sorry, I didn't mean it like that.
But I meant it like that, I said, slightly annoyed.
This condescending drivel was starting to make me sick, I ran back towards the terrace and left him standing there.
Kevin please, I really didn't mean it like that, Benjamin said and ran after me.
I turned around.
“And why does everyone think you need help?“ I asked him.
He stopped abruptly and those sad eyes again.
“Oh, I don't know,” he said, and ran back into the house.
I followed him, but when I entered the house again, there was no one in the room except Phillip.
“Upstairs on the right, last room,” he said, and opened the door to the hallway.
Without saying a word, I entered the hallway again, went up the large stone staircase and found myself in a long hallway.
Last room on the right, I thought. So I followed Phillip's words. I stood in front of the door and could hear a few notes from the piano coming from inside. I knocked softly, but no sound came from inside. I opened the door quietly and found Benjamin sitting at a grand piano.
That was the only thing of value in the room; otherwise, it looked more like the cluttered room of a normal teenager. Benjamin didn't look up and continued to play a few notes on the piano.
“How long have you been playing the piano?“ I asked simply, closing the door behind me.
“I started when I was six,” he replied quietly, without looking at me.
“And how old are you now?”
“I turned eighteen last week. And you?”
“Eighteen too.”
“And what do you do?”
“I work in a freight company as a retail salesman.”
“Retail salesman?”
“Yes, retail salesman. I have to make money somehow,” I said, looking around his room.
“Could it be that you have a bad opinion of me?“ he asked.
“Yes, it could be.”
He grimaced and looked back at his keys.
“Being the son of a millionaire, you sit in a gilded cage,” he said softly.
Why? Isn't the jet-set life supposed to be so great? You can buy everything, lots of pretty girls, right? I replied, waiting for a reaction, which failed to materialize.
What does it get me?
What do you want then? I asked quietly.
I sat down on the small bench in front of the window.
“I want friends, I want to live a normal life like others my age.”
“You play the piano beautifully, isn't that something?”
“It's the only thing that gives me any joy at all. To bring sounds into being with my hands, fingers, that people in other centuries have written. To give them shape, to breathe feelings into them, to make them sound, to let them live???
I was a little speechless at what Benjamin had just said. All the time he looked at his piano... at his hands. And now he looked at me. His eyes were filled with tears.
“Kevin, it's the only thing I have, the only world I can escape to, forget?”
Tears ran down his cheeks and dripped to the floor. I had a strong urge to take him in my arms, but something held me back.
“What do you want to forget?” I asked again very quietly.
He wiped away his tears and stood up.
“All of this?“ He angrily hit a stack of paper on the floor.
“I want to finally live and not be locked up all the time, having to follow the rules,” he shouted, kicking a floor lamp whose bulb went out with a bang.
What rules?”
The door opened and Lore and Sabine poked their heads in. I raised my hand and motioned for them to leave. I stood up and went to Benjamin.
“Who makes the rules?” I asked, seeking his eye contact.
He, on the other hand, held his head with both hands and looked at the ceiling.
“Everyone. Everyone thinks they have to interfere in my life, tell me how to live.”
“Why do you put up with it?”
“What else can I do?” He took a book from the piano and threw it with full force at a shelf where several trophies were lined up nicely, and they fell to the floor with a loud clatter.
“It's your life and only you can make something of it, Benjamin,” I said a little louder.
“Me?”
And again he began to laugh loudly and hysterically. Suddenly he fell silent and looked at me. He turned white in the face, stormed through a small side door. A little later I heard him throwing up.
I quickly ran to the door and found, as expected, the two ladies in front of it.
“I'm sorry that you have to experience this, but I think the outburst was well timed. But please don't come in before I call you and, for God's sake, keep Phillip away from me,” I said to the two, who just nodded at what I said.
I quietly closed the door and ran after Benjamin to see where he had disappeared to. I found him at the toilet, still vomiting. Even though I almost felt sick myself, I helped Benjamin up. I lifted him up and carried him back to his room, laying him on the bed.
Back in the bathroom, I grabbed any towel I found and held it under the cold water. Back at Benjamin's, I wiped his face, gently tracing the contours of his face.
“Why are you here?“ he asked in a whiny voice.
“Because I want to help you,” I replied.
“You can't help me,” he said.
“We've been through that already. Think of something new,” I said and got up and went back into the room.
I went to the shelf and picked up the trophies again, put them back in the way I found them, but it didn't really matter to me. I went to the floor lamp and tried to straighten the lampshade.
On the floor, I saw a sea of sheet music.
“You'll have to pick up the music sheets yourself, I'm not very good at sorting,” I said, and sat back down at the bed next to him.
He seemed to have calmed down a little by now; he wasn't crying anymore.
“Are you feeling a bit better now at least?“ I asked, looking around the room again.
“Yes, I am,” he said, resting his forearm on his eye.
“Shall I get your mom?”
“No, I don't want to see anyone right now.”
“And me?”
“Please stay.”
“Why?”
“Because I feel comfortable with you.”
I saw a candle, put it on the wing, lit it. I turned off the light and sat back to Benjamin at the bed.
“Do you break the rules now?“ I asked, betting everything on one card.
He took the arm down and I could see his eyes sparkling.
“Yes?”
“Sorry, I can't see any violation,” I said.
“Me? You?
“These are your feelings, and there are no rules for them in this world,“ I said calmly.
“But I am alone with these feelings.”
“Are you quite sure?”
He was silent.
“I have to go home now, Sabine will be waiting for me. If you want, I'll come back,” I said quietly.
“You would come back?”
If I may and if you want me to come back?
Yes, I want you to come back.
I'll get in touch with you.
Thank you.
For what?
For listening.
That's why I was there.
* - * *
Of course I was teased by my colleagues the next morning because of my new outfits, but I didn't care. I went to work with fun, my colleagues almost killed me because of it.
I thought a lot about Benjamin, and now and then I had the thought that yesterday had gone too far. But then I thought of his smile when he said goodbye and all negativity had vanished.
Could it be that I had fallen in love with him, with the rich, spoiled Snobsohn? He had allowed me to look very deeply into his soul yesterday, and I felt honored by this trust. But for him to feel the same way about me as I do about him would be a miracle.
The working day went by quite quickly, and so in the evening I was back in my mom's kitchen.
“Your phone was ringing all day,“ she said when I helped her to prepare supper.
“It will call again if it was important,” I said.
But I decided to check my answering machine and quickly ran up to my apartment. It was only the same number announced again and again, nobody had spoken on it.
I wrote it down and ran back down.
“And something important?“ Mom asked.
“I don't know, there was nothing recorded, only the number was announced.”
“Weird,” she said.
After dinner, I retreated back to my apartment and collapsed on my couch. I picked up my phone and dialed the number I had written down. It beeped.
“Kohler.
Hello, Benjamin, this is Kevin.”
“How did you get this private number?”
“Oh, miracle of technology,” I said, grinning.
“Your answering machine?”
“Exactly this one.”
“So I was caught red-handed.”
“Exactly, but what I don't understand is why you called so often, you knew I was at work.”
The other side was silent.
“Benjamin?”
“Yes?”
“What is it?”
“I'm so embarrassed.”
“What?”
“I called so often because I wanted to hear your voice.”
“Huh?”
“Excuse me?”
“I think that's sweet.”
“I see.”
There was a short pause.
“Should I still come over?”
“Would you like that?”
We had that yesterday.
Of course, gladly.
Should I send the car for you?
You're having me picked up?
Yes, why not?
Oh, I've never been picked up in this context, I said.
What context is that? he asked.
I'll explain it to you later when I'm with you.
Okay, I'll send the car, I'll see you in a moment.
Okay, see you soon.
*-*-*
It was a strange feeling to be picked up by a car. The neighbors, who were standing in front of their houses, looked a bit strange when I got into the back of the Jaguar, especially because the driver held the door open for me.
My parents were standing at the front door grinning, but disappeared right away before a flood of questions from the neighbors came crashing in on them. Since Friday, my life had somehow changed. It had become more interesting.
I had a lot on my mind until the car finally drove up the small driveway of Kohlers. The Jaguar stopped right in front of the stairs and Phillip was already standing there, opening the car door.
“Good evening, Mr. Bachheim,” Phillip said with a smile.
“Good evening, Phillip, but you can call me by my first name.”
“Thank you, Kevin. Benjamin is already waiting for you in his room.”
“Thank you, Phillip. I'll find my own way.”
I slowly got used to Phillip and no longer minded being served by him. I somehow liked his stiff manner, but also the sparkle in his eyes when he looked at me.
I took two steps at a time up the marble staircase, turned right down the hall, until I stood in front of Benjamin's door. I was about to knock when the door was flung open.
“And get this childish exam over with tomorrow, you'll still manage that with your pea brain.”
A middle-aged man almost ran me over. He scrutinized me closely from top to bottom.
“Excuse me,” I said automatically, even though he was the one who bumped into me.
He gave me a sharp look, and I felt uncomfortable.
“The choice of your friends also leaves something to be desired,” he said to Benjamin and disappeared into another room.
I stood there like a drowned poodle and didn't know how to react. I was probably not fine enough for this gentleman. I was about to follow him to give him a piece of my mind.
“Kevin, come in, it's no use,“ I heard Benjamin say, who must have read my thoughts.
I entered his room and closed the door behind me.
“Your father?” I asked.
“Yes?”
“Did he come into the world as an adult and so rich?”
“Judging by his behavior towards you, I guess so. I'm sorry.”
You don't have to be sorry, Benjamin. It's not your fault.”
Benjamin got up from his wicker chair and came towards me. He just stood there and looked at me.
“What is it?” I asked.
He just smiled and kept looking at me. My knees went weak. I gathered all my courage, it's now or never, I thought.
“Do you want to kiss me?“ I asked quietly.
Benjamin's face became serious.
“Kissing? Are you crazy?” he replied angrily.
“I thought...” I couldn't speak any more.
I grabbed my jacket, ran out of the room and down the stairs, directly into Lore's arms.
“Hello Kevin, what happened to you?“ she asked.
“I'm sorry Lore, not now?” I replied.
A quick glance back and I saw that Benjamin was standing at the top of the stairs.
“I can't do it,” I said briefly to Lore and disappeared through the heavy wooden door outside.
I started running without really knowing where I was going. Had I misinterpreted Benjamin's sign? Had we been talking about two different things yesterday? A world collapsed inside me, I had made a complete fool of myself, and in front of one of those rich guys, no less.
Tears ran down my face. I ran down the street and collided with an older gentleman on the corner. In order to avoid knocking him over completely, I shifted my weight to the side, which caused me to fall backwards.
I felt a sharp blow to the back of my head and everything went black around me.

Actually, it was an evening like many others during the week. The whole group was sitting together in the kitchen playing cards while something to eat was being prepared.
There was chatter about everything under the sun, and yet today was a little different! Today HE was there and if I hadn't warned him about the sharp tongues of my friends, HE would certainly have turned around on the doorstep.
I had met him about two weeks ago. I had just finished cleaning the darkroom. I wanted to take a break outside and almost ran into HIM.
We got to talking and quickly realized that we had a lot in common. The same music, the same movies, similar clothes, the same food, you'd think we were one and the same person.
We were both slim and slightly muscular, had short hair and striking eyes.
I had spent every second of my free time with him in the last two weeks and had fallen deeply in love with him. Surely it hadn't gone unnoticed in the shared flat and now they wanted to finally meet him.
I was a little nervous, because after all, it was a very close friendship between us. We weren't a couple yet, and to be honest, I didn't even know if he was into men at all.
You couldn't necessarily tell that I was gay. After all, I was very heterolike. Still, people suspected it because of my job. I was a partner in three businesses here in the city.
There was a darkroom, an only men's restaurant and an only men's disco. There was always a lot to do and actually my time was much too short for a relationship.
There was a danger that he would meet someone else. That's why I made sure that I really sacrificed every free minute for him.
We had time and it didn't have to come to a relationship immediately. I really enjoyed the harmony and closeness. Small gestures that meant a lot.
For example, when he simply massaged my shoulders because I was once again totally tense. After all, that was his job and he was absolutely great at it. Or when I cheekily just sat on his lap because there was no other place available when we were sitting with his friends.
I was just being myself and it suited me. It didn't come across as a come-on or even as gay.
Nevertheless, I had my thoughts. Was it just friendship for HIM?
*~*
Freshly showered and perfectly styled as always, I was about to fry dinner. The others were already sitting at the table together playing cards.
Crasy, whose real name was Karl, our crazy punk, was sitting at the table with Ben, our quietest member of the group. They were playing cards with Sascha, our emo. The five of us lived in a big house that I had inherited from my parents when I turned eighteen.
Unfortunately, they had passed away early and I had grown up with my uncle, who ran the business. When I came of age, I also became a partner and after training as a hairdresser, which I completed in two years, I started working.
Now I was just twenty-one years old and already fully in the business. Most of the time I ran everything by myself because my uncle had business in another city that he also had to take care of.
Mike, my best friend, was like my big brother. He was the cool biker, a head taller than me and five years older. My watchdog and always there for me when I had problems.
We had it all, really. Mike was totally straight. Sascha was also straight, although he once confessed to me that he wouldn't kick me out of bed. Crazy and Ben were bisexual and I was gay.
I was tired after a double shift and all the paperwork, but I also took care of a lot of the household and cooking.
Mike stood next to me and grinned broadly. Any moment now, the doorbell would ring.
“JJ, take it easy,“ Mike said.
“Micky! Don't be a pain!” I grumbled from the side. My real name was James Jessy, the middle name was my mother's first name, and since I didn't like James and Jessy was too feminine, everyone called me JJ (pronounced in English).
My eyes nervously flicked to the clock, which was ticking ever closer to six o'clock.
*-*-*
I had been back in Germany for about half a year, back from America, where I had completed an internship abroad.
I had taken my best friend Lee, whom I had met in America, with me directly from there, or rather, he had come with me, and we now lived in my large three-room condominium in a kind of shared flat.
Lee Scott was a native American. He was twenty-five years young, 1.85 m tall and of slim, athletic build. He had a big mouth when it came down to it and so fast nobody fooled him. He also didn't put up with anything.
Since he spoke four other languages, French, Japanese, Korean and Italian, perfectly and fluently, in addition to his own, he now worked here as an interpreter.
He was my best friend, my advisor and sometimes also my protector. I could always rely on him.
I had opened my own massage studio here, which was doing very well, and I was the boss. My two employees, Jonas and Roman, had very quickly become very good friends of mine.
I knew from Jonas that he was my age, gay and living with a man. He was quite cheeky, but also very funny, which made me laugh out loud on many occasions.
Roman was a year younger than me and single. He just didn't want a relationship; he found them too exhausting. He was very quiet and studious. But he was good to talk to and a very good listener.
Everything was going well until about two weeks ago when a guy who looked almost exactly like me almost ran into me.
We got along very well very quickly and found that we had some similarities.
With one exception! I was not quite as wired as he and he behaved very strangely to me in part. However, I had no plan what that should and made me no great thoughts about it. So I took it just as it and did it as wired? cute.
My name is Derek Draven, also called DD (English). I am twenty-four years young, have short dark brown hair and steel-blue eyes. Physically I am 1.80 m tall and of slim, slightly muscular build.
For today, JJ, that's the name of my new friend, had invited me to his place at 6 o'clock.
As he thought, I would probably meet the other tenants and they would get to know me. Well, he had already warned me about them? that they were quite critical and had sharp tongues.
Without further ado, I decided to take my best friend Lee with me for support. He had agreed and I was glad not to have to go there alone.
Of course, I had informed JJ via text message that I would be bringing someone with me so that he would not be too surprised.
When I came home from work, Lee was already ready, so only I had to get ready.
I quickly ate a snack, then went to the bathroom, showered, took care of myself and then got dressed in my room. Of course, I styled my hair perfectly, as always, and put on a few accessories. A little perfume and I was ready.
“Shall we go?” I asked my best friend.
“Sure, come on.”
Together we left my apartment, got into the car and I drove to the address given, which was not so hard to find.
We got out of the car, I locked it, then we walked towards the big house, nodded at each other and I pressed the doorbell.
*-*-*
When the bell rang, I pressed the ladle for the pan into Mike's hand and rushed to the door. I was already excited and very nervous as I opened the door.
Then I fell around DD's radiant neck and hugged him, while I shook hands with Lee and grinned at him.
“It's great that you're here,“ I said and kissed both of them on the cheek, close to their lips. It was just my way and I always greeted them like that.
“Come in!” I added and pulled DD along with me by the hand. I squeezed his hand firmly, wanting to show him who my friends were, but also that I was nervous. I knew that he understood me without words.
We then entered the kitchen together and Mike, who had already met both of them, smiled broadly and greeted them by shaking their hands.
The others also introduced themselves politely when we approached the table and shook hands one after the other.
“Why don't you sit down?” I said to Lee and DD, while I let go of DD's hand and went back to my meal.
Crasy looked at DD and whispered something in Ben's ear, who was sitting right next to him: ”No wonder JJ likes him. He's just as cute as he is.”
Then he had to giggle and got a dirty look from me.
Mike, meanwhile, was talking to Lee in another language to improve his French, as he usually did when they met.
Now the meal was ready and I placed the large pan on the table. Plates and cutlery were also handed out.
I sat down on the corner bench, close to DD. It was a bit cramped, but also very cozy with so many people eating.
“Well, then, bon appetit!” I wished and grinned at DD.
The first step had been taken and so far it had gone quite harmlessly. I hoped it would stay that way.
*-*-*
Jeez, as soon as the door opened, I had JJ hanging around my neck, which caused Lee to smirk cheekily, but I just rolled my eyes. How could you be so wound up?
But I didn't want to be so grumpy and I also gave him a short hug, but immediately let go of him again.
“I'm also happy to be here,” I replied to JJ's greeting in my very deep but gentle voice.
And as if that wasn't enough, JJ now also took me by the hand and led me to the kitchen to the others, where we greeted the others. Lee followed us obediently.
We greeted the others and shortly after Lee was taken over by Mike, both talked in French, of which I did not understand too much.
I checked out the situation here first, before I joined the action. However, I looked again and again slightly jealous to Lee and Mike, because Lee seemed, as always when we met, to get along very well with Mike.
I didn't say too much at the moment though.
So I began to regret that I had brought Lee with me. He was my friend, not Mike's! I couldn't take my eyes off the two of them, and I was almost afraid of missing something.
However, I was repeatedly distracted by JJ. My jealousy remained and I could hardly hide it. Crazy Ben had whispered something in his ear and had to laugh. However, I didn't quite understand the reason, because my thoughts were somewhere else – with Lee and this “Mike”.
I tried not to let it show too much, but I only succeeded to a limited extent. I would certainly have a word with Lee afterwards. Finally the meal was served and we sat down. It was very cramped, but it worked. JJ was sitting on one side and Lee was sitting next to me on the other.
I nodded when JJ wished us all bon appétit, as did Ben, Sascha, everyone else, and my Lee. But since I had already eaten at home, I didn't take too much of the food and allowed myself plenty of time before I slowly began to eat.
Again and again I looked at everyone in turn, my gaze repeatedly lingering on Lee and Mike.
*-*-*
I only had eyes for DD. I didn't really notice that he looked at Lee more than at me. My rose-colored glasses fit perfectly and couldn't really be taken off. The fact that Mike and Lee got along so well made me wonder. I could have sworn that Mike was more than straight. But as the saying goes: Everyone is a bit bi!
The meal was quickly consumed and while I was still clearing up, the cards were already being shuffled for a new game.
“But JJ isn't playing!” I heard Crazy say. He knew exactly how well I could play and that I always won.
I cheekily stuck out my tongue at him: ”I'm still busy anyway!”
First of all, I had to do the dishes and, as always, no one helped. They were all lazy; even Mike was much too busy with Lee.
*-*-*
The meal had tasted really good, even though I couldn't get much down. Of course, I had also noticed how JJ kept looking at me, but I was only concerned with my jealousy and watched Lee and Mike closely.
After dinner, the others wanted to play cards, but I didn't feel like it at all. My eyes were more or less glued to my best friend.
To distract myself a little, I helped JJ clean up and do the dishes. But I didn't talk; my thoughts were somewhere else anyway.
They all seemed very nice, at least as far as I could tell so far. Only Mike was a thorn in my side.
*~*
In the meantime, Lee had noticed that DD wasn't talking as much as usual and that something seemed to be very wrong with him. So he excused himself briefly to Mike and went over to DD.
“DD, would you come with me, please? I think we need to talk.”
DD nodded and went with Lee briefly before the door.
*-*-*
I was totally glad that DD helped me with the clearing up. He understood me without words, which is why we didn't speak. A smile or nod was enough and everything was fine. However, when Lee took DD away from me, I didn't understand the world anymore.
Something was not right here. Mike came over to me and helped me with the dishes, after Lee had of course said that it was totally okay if he went out briefly. Lost in thought, I fished around in the dishwater.
“Are you going to catch something today?” Mike joked.
“Micky!“ I scolded and kept looking at the door.
“Lee won't eat DD and will surely bring him back to you in one piece,” Mike winked at me.
A sigh escaped my lips and I took a dirty plate and washed it clean.
*-*-*
Once outside, Lee looked me in the eye and asked:
DD, what's the matter with you, hm??
Nothing, what should be the matter??
Yes, you think I didn't notice that something is wrong with you? You hardly talk, constantly look at Mike and me. So, do you want to talk to me??
What should I tell you? It's nothing.?
Why are you lying to me, hm??
I looked at Lee first, then I looked at the floor.
I was just thinking, but it wasn't anything bad.
Oh, and that's why you kept looking over at us?
Um, it wasn't intentional, I promise, I tried to talk my way out of it.
Okay, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt this time, but please change that. I mean, JJ is your friend and the others here are really nice too and they don't deserve for you to keep to yourself, okay?”
“Okay,” I replied, and then Lee took me in his arms and I snuggled up against him a little, but only briefly, not wanting to draw too much attention to myself.
We went back inside and I tried my best not to let anything show on my face.
*-*-*
Finally they came back inside and Mike went out on the terrace for a smoke. I finished the dishes and put everything away in the cupboards.
“Do you want to get some fresh air too?” I asked DD, looking him directly in the eye.
I would have loved to drag him upstairs with me, where we would have been alone, without the others. But that would have been a bit stupid. Tired, I had to rub my eyes; the double shift was making itself felt.
“DD, you should let JJ sleep at night sometime,” Crazy said cheekily, and I just looked at DD, shaking my head.
Luckily I had warned him, otherwise he might have thought who knows what.
*-*-*
While Lee sat down at the table with the others and played cards with them, I nodded in agreement to JJ.
“Okay, let's get some fresh air,” I answered his question.
I grinned at Crazy's comment and replied,
“Let's see what can be done.” and looked him cheekily in the eye before I caught JJ's gaze and knew what he was trying to tell me.
Of course it was just a joke on my part and I thought to myself that it was just a joke from Crasy too. After all, my heart only beat for Lee, but he didn't know that and I would never be able to tell him. So I would continue to torture myself, and the fact that we lived under the same roof unfortunately didn't make things any better.
JJ was a very good friend to me, a bit eccentric, but somehow cute and very handsome, and he had incredibly beautiful eyes. If I hadn't been so infatuated with Lee, JJ would have been right up my street.
And maybe? hmm? no? I quickly dismissed the thought? didn't even think it through.
Finally, I went out with JJ and enjoyed the fresh, clear air?
*-*-*
Once outside, Mike quickly finished his cigarette and rejoined the others, sitting down next to Lee. Somehow there was something wrong with DD, because whenever he was with Lee, it was somehow weird.
Do you want to talk about it?, I asked, because I noticed that something was bothering you.
I looked DD directly in the eye, unsure of myself. I wanted him to know that he could trust me completely. I lovingly put my hand on his upper arm as a small gesture. I was always tormented when DD wasn't feeling well, and I wanted certainty. Things were going very well between us and I was enjoying it. It could stay that way for a while.
After years of changing men like my underwear, I was now very sure that I finally wanted something permanent.
*-*-*
I listened to JJ and thought about it. However, I somehow couldn't really open up.
“Nothing's bothering me. It just seems that way, don't worry. If something were wrong, I would tell you,” I replied, lying to myself once again and to my friend on top of that.
I didn't know exactly whether I could trust JJ; I hadn't known him that long, after all. I knew that he wouldn't say anything to Lee, but I just couldn't really confide in him yet.
His hand on my upper arm felt good and somehow he made me feel like I could trust him... but then what? Should I really dare?
? Alright, you want to know?. Okay, I just lied to you and to myself? it's because of? Lee? I love him, you see. But I can't tell him? I can't. He's the best friend I've ever had. He's my advisor? and sometimes also my protector. But I can't tell him that I love him? I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. But he must never know, and he never will,? I explained to JJ, lowering my head.
What would JJ think of me now? My insecurity grew? now that I had practically come out.
*-*-*
Suddenly my soap bubble burst and everything fell off my face. I had expected everything under the sun, but not that!
I would have loved to write, cry, rage, whatever, to let off steam. But I remained calm and didn't show anything.
I quickly wiped away a tear where DD was still looking at the ground and leaned with my arms crossed against the small stone wall that was in front of us. I looked out into the distance, let my gaze wander.
“I understand you. That's really difficult!” I replied to him. My voice was very calm, maybe even more composed than usual and very serious.
But you mean a lot to him, too, that's clear. If you want my advice, don't hide it any longer. If you wait too long, someone else might snatch him up!” I added after a pause, putting a lot of feeling into the words.
Why had I remained silent? Had I remained silent the whole time? Maybe I had sensed it? Now I didn't want to say it anymore. At least not at that moment. Maybe sometime?
Now I looked DD directly in the face, put on a mask, smiled at him.
“He won't find out from me! You'll have to do it yourself! Dare to do it!”, I advised him.
He should be happy and get what he longed for.
If you never dare, how will you know? And even if he doesn't return your love, which I don't think he will, you've been friends for so long that you should be able to handle it! I added before looking out into the distance again and enjoying the fresh air.
*-*-*
While JJ was talking, I shook my head negatively. But I listened to the end of what he said and advised me. Then I replied in a calm voice.
“No, no, I can't do that. I want him to be happy and I don't want to stand in his way. I guess I'll stay alone.”
Of course, I noticed how calm JJ suddenly became, and I realized that something was not quite right with him either. So I leaned against the wall, right next to him. I looked at him, then I looked into the distance.
Would you like to tell me what's bothering you, too? I can tell that you have something on your mind, too. I mean, we're friends and I just opened up to you, too. I'd like to listen to you, too, I offered.
I couldn't know what was really going on with him, but I wanted to at least listen to him, if he would let me.
*-*-*
As if by itself, I leaned my head on his shoulder and enjoyed the closeness he gave me.
“I just want you to be happy! You're putting obstacles in your own way!” I answered him.
There was no other way, because I couldn't tell him yet. Instead, I just enjoyed his closeness and security.
“Besides, I'm pretty exhausted from today,” I added, yawning.
Then I stretched and yanked myself. It had cooled down a bit by now and I looked at DD questioningly.
“Do you want to go back inside?”
*-*-*
Hm? What more could I say? Nevertheless, I sensed that something was bothering him, but I didn't press the issue, not wanting to harass him.
Besides, it felt nice to have him leaning against me and seemingly enjoying it.
“I understand you. Go ahead, I would like to stay here a little longer, if it's okay,“ I replied calmly.
“I think we'll go home soon, too,” I added quietly.
Then I looked further into the distance and a few small tears ran down my face, but I hid my face from JJ, didn't want him to have to worry.
*-*-*
Then I'll stay too!, I decided. However, I didn't look at DD, but further into the distance.
I let my head rest on his shoulder, really enjoying it. Then I just kept quiet and looked at the sky. Slowly it began to dawn and you could see the first bats.
A magnificent natural spectacle presented itself to us and I was glad that he was there. It's a shame that his heart already belonged to someone else. Still, I wanted to take all I could get, even if it was just to be near him.
*-*-*
I just nodded in agreement and enjoyed him leaning against me. Still, the tears would not stop. I was in agony as I stared ahead and wished I could just disappear, which of course wasn't possible.
Finally I wiped the tears away as if they were pesky flies and pulled myself together.
*~*
Meanwhile, Lee realized that DD had been gone for quite a while and asked around.
“Say, do you know where DD disappeared to?”
“I think he's outside with JJ. I'm not sure though.”
“Hm? Yes, thank you. I'll go take a look,” said Lee, and got up.
Sascha then said:
“Well, leave them alone, maybe they have something important to discuss.“ and had to grin a little.
Lee looked at Sascha a little aghast? slightly confused?
“Well, if you think so,” he replied, but had his own thoughts about it and would probably have to talk to him later when they got home.
But for now, he acted completely normal, just like he always was.
*-*-*
Mike grinned at Lee and then said in French: 'Tell me you haven't noticed the spark between the two of them yet?
He felt it was clear that something was going on between DD and JJ. Just like everyone else seemed to notice.
*~*
Outside I still enjoyed DD's presence, but I noticed that something was wrong. However, I remained silent.
“We could also go up to my room and listen to some music,” it occurred to me. Somehow I wanted to be alone with him, but it was very uncomfortable outside. For some reason, I also wanted to hold him and just hold on to him.
Maybe I was afraid of losing him?
*-*-*
Lee now started to laugh, after Mike's words.
“You don't seriously believe that DD wants something from JJ, do you? I don't? Honestly, I can't imagine it,” he replied, also in French.
In fact, he couldn't imagine it, because he didn't know that his friend was gay. He had never noticed anything like that about him, but now he was already worrying about it.
*~*
At JJ's suggestion to go to his room, I nodded in agreement, because it was also slowly becoming too uncomfortable and a bit too cold for me there.
'Well, let's go to your room,' I said quietly and with a reasonably calm voice.
I risked another look into the distance, then I turned to JJ and smiled gently at him, while I looked him directly in the eyes.
Somehow I felt alone and quite lonely at the moment, even though it wasn't the case. The initial joy of being here had now turned to sadness.
*-*-*
Mike grinned even wider and remained silent. He now devoted his attention to the cards and left it at his statement.
Maybe he was wrong and the crackling was just JJ who had gone out? Lee knew DD very well and what if he was right?
*~*
I just hugged DD so intensely, I didn't want to let go of him at all. But then I did and pulled him by the hand to the next door, so that we didn't have to go through the kitchen. Then I snuck up the stairs with him, all the way up to my room.
I left the light dim and turned on some music. My room was small but cozy. The only place to sit was on my bed, but that was just as well. I got something to drink from a mini-fridge and poured DD a drink, and one for myself.
There were lots of cushions on the bed, so I just sat down in the middle of them and made myself comfortable. I would have liked to just fool around with him like I usually did and forget everything that had just happened. But somehow I couldn't.
There was a strange mood in the air and I had to overcome that first. On the other hand, I longed to just hug him again and comfort him a little.
*-*-*
Lee also went back to playing cards and didn't show anything, which he was very good at. He was so good at repressing feelings that he seemed like an iceberg, which he truly wasn't.
But on the outside, he could appear as if he was, and that's exactly what he did at that moment.
Nobody could see behind his facade, he would never allow that!
*~*
“Thank you,” I whispered to JJ, as he gave me something to drink, and I took the glass in my hand.
At first I just looked into the glass, watched the liquid a little, how beautifully it was reflected. I almost began to dream. JJ had made himself comfortable on the pillows, but I didn't dare to do that, I just sat there and didn't know what to say.
The mood and the tension between us was almost unbearable for me, who was actually an emotional person. I took a deep breath in and out? and finally burst into tears after all? I didn't want to, but I just couldn't stop it anymore? the tears just ran down my eyes? then dripped quietly and lonely to the ground.
*-*-*
Wow, hey?, I said, startled. I quickly put my glass down and took DD's in my hands too, put it away.
Then I just took him in my arms and let myself fall back into the pillows with him.
“Shhh? It's okay,” I tried to calm him down and gently stroked his back. It almost broke my heart to see him like this, and I was overcome.
Very gently and lovingly, I began to kiss away his tears, one by one. I don't know if it was the mood here, the music, the dim light, but I just couldn't control myself anymore.
I just wanted to comfort DD and show him how much I liked him.
*~*
Meanwhile the others continued playing cards and didn't even realize what was going on upstairs.
They drank, laughed and talked about everything under the sun. Lee was just part of it, as if he sat with them every evening.
*-*-*
Keeping his poker face, Lee won one game after the other. But his facial expression didn't change at all. He came across as ice-cold, although he did give a brief grin every now and then, but that was it.
He felt quite comfortable here, but he wanted to go home again at some point, because he was slowly getting a little tired too. Besides, he had already had quite a bit to drink, which made him even more tired now and he could hardly keep his eyes open anymore.
*~*
Just then, I was overcome by sadness, and I couldn't stand the tension and this depressed mood any longer. I cried when JJ paid attention to me, hugged me and fell into the pillows with me.
He began to kiss away my tears and I just let it happen, as if there were no tomorrow. Suddenly it seemed as if I couldn't get enough of him, as if that was what I wanted, but was it really?
I let myself go, gave myself to him, and now I knew what he felt, sensed what had been oppressing him, and that he was probably gay too, like me. And I now also sensed what he very likely felt for me.
Because it was also clear to me that you don't try to comfort a friend with kisses and certainly not with kisses like that. Nevertheless, I now looked at him very surprised and with wide eyes, from which tears were still running, as if they had only aimed to be kissed away by him.
Fully aware of what he was doing and what I was allowing, I broke away from him and still looked at him wide-eyed and scrutinizingly, almost skeptically. With a voice choked with tears, but still very calm, I asked him:
What are you doing to me? What's the point of this? What would you do if I left you? What exactly do you feel for me? Talk to me, please! Tell me what's going on!
Sure, there were a lot of questions that I bombarded him with, but I wanted answers from him now! Even though I already suspected what was going on, I just wanted confirmation from him.
I wouldn't have been quiet before anyway.
*-*-*
Mike was happy for Lee that he had such a good hand. Nevertheless, he was also slowly getting tired and he would certainly not last much longer. Yawning, he broke away from the group and went for a smoke again.
*~*
I looked at DD, feeling depressed. Now I had given myself away.
You've got me there, I guess? No? I know that I've fallen in love with you. Only after you told me that you were in love with Lee, it was almost impossible for me to tell you, I explained.
Now I took my hands and wiped away his tears, I couldn't bear to see him like this.
*-*-*
Now?. yes, now I realized a lot, but he had now only confirmed what I had suspected anyway.
“I thought so,” I heard myself say and looked lovingly at JJ.
Oh dear, JJ, I'm so sorry. You feel the same as I do. We could actually team up on this, couldn't we?, I continued, enjoying his hands lovingly wiping away my tears from my face.
I moved up a little closer to him, took him in my arms and gently pressed him against me.
“Forgive me? I'm sorry. I like you, really, and actually you're totally my type. You're so sweet? a bit wound up? but totally cute. JJ, please give me a little time, okay. It's all a bit much at the moment,” I whispered, gently stroking his back.
I felt so sorry for him, because he felt the same way about me as I did about Lee.
*~*
Lee was now starting to yawn and said, “Well, I'll go see what's keeping DD. We should go home soon.”
Then he got up and went outside, hoping to find DD there.
*-*-*
“It's okay! I wanted to take my time anyway,” I said calmly, enjoying his embrace.
I just held him and stroked his back, enjoying the warmth he radiated.
“Everything's okay, don't worry about it. With all the work I have, I can't worry about anything anyway,” I added.
It was nice just to lie there with him and he hadn't rejected me, that felt really good. I had more than enough time.
*~*
Mike grinned at Lee: “Well, you're looking for DD? They're probably up in JJ's room! Come on, let's go see if we're disturbing anyone?”
Then he went up quietly with Lee and listened at the door first. Except for a little music, nothing could be heard, so he knocked tentatively.
*-*-*
I can't express how much I enjoyed this moment with JJ. I snuggled up to him, then I couldn't control myself anymore and just did what my heart told me to do... I looked lovingly into his eyes and began to kiss him tenderly.
I didn't hear the knocking at the door, did I? Did JJ not want to let go? As if he had taken me prisoner? Just like that.
All of a sudden, I felt so safe and loved with JJ. Was it him I had been missing all this time?
*~*
Lee had just nodded at Mike and had gone with him to JJ's room. He too listened at the door after Mike had knocked.
But he couldn't hear anything either, except for the soft music, but spoke through the door.
“DD?” ”DD, come on, open the door. I want to go home slowly.”
But still nothing happened.
'Well, I'll just go home alone then, if you don't want to come with me,' Lee said, and went back downstairs.
*-*-*
I was only too happy to return the intense kiss that DD gave me and didn't even notice the knocking. I didn't care about anything at the moment, I just wanted to enjoy the moment and gave myself completely.
Meanwhile Mike called after Lee to wait and just opened the door. What he saw then made him grin and he nodded to Lee, beckoning him back.
“Didn't I tell you!” he said quietly, pointing at us.
We were lying on the bed, tightly wrapped around each other, making out like there was no tomorrow, and we didn't even notice what was going on around us.
*-*-*
Lee actually saw the two of them lying in bed and making out? he would never have thought that. He shook his head at first, but didn't say anything. With a raised eyebrow, he looked at Mike.
“Thanks, that's enough,” which almost sounded a little jealous.
He then turned around, ran down the stairs and left the house, slightly angry and almost fleeing. It wasn't intentional that he hadn't said goodbye to anyone, he just wanted to get out of there.
*~*
I hadn't noticed the door opening, I just wanted to be with him at the moment... with JJ. A little shyly, I stroked his lips and asked for admission. Suddenly I couldn't let go of him anymore, held him tight in my arms and sent my hands wandering over his beautiful body... closing my eyes with relish.
*-*-*
Mike thought his part and would tell it later to the two, now he closed the door quietly and went to bed himself.
*~*
I hadn't noticed any of that either. My lips were much too busy with DD's and my hands were also caressing his body. At first still quite shy, since I could hardly believe it, then increasingly more forceful and aroused, I went forward.
I welcomed his tongue in my mouth and teased it directly with mine. I gave a blissful sigh into his mouth and could hardly contain myself. I was so glad that this was happening and I enjoyed it so much.
*-*-*
Lee had taken a taxi home and then angrily slammed the door shut.
He locked himself in his room and raged verbally. When he finally wanted to go to sleep, he couldn't fall asleep because he was too preoccupied with what he had seen.
He was jealous because he would have liked to be in JJ's place. He felt the same way as DD, who hadn't dared to tell him how he felt. Lee hadn't been able to either? hadn't dared.
So now it seemed as if he was the loser. Should he dare to talk to DD later? He wasn't sure.
*~*
I sensed that JJ wanted a little more? I wasn't averse either. So I continued to kiss him passionately for quite a while, but now I let my hands wander under his clothes and began to caress his naked skin. I pushed up his shirt and kissed my way down his body, leaving a wet trail on his skin with my tongue. I did everything extremely slowly, wanting to savor it, wanting to “eat” him.
Slowly, I began to undress him, exposing his body piece by piece. I drew fine lines on his body with my fingers and tickled him with my tongue. I no longer had myself under control.
Finally, I arrived at his waistband, first just unbuttoning the button, then sinking my tongue into his belly button while opening his trousers completely.
Very slowly and with relish, I took off his trousers, but still left his hands in his briefs. But my right hand was particularly inquisitive and felt the need to slide into his briefs and caress the sensitive skin there, while my mouth soaked through his briefs and explored his manhood through them.
Meanwhile, it was already quite tight in my pants, I could hardly control myself anymore.
*-*-*
I let out a soft hum, otherwise I was more of the quiet type during sex and just enjoyed it. Even now I just let myself go and go. My manhood had already straightened up and filled my panties completely. The glans was even already perky and wanted to come out at the side.
His hand in my panties drove me crazy and his mouth drove me crazy. It was as if my panties were on fire. Everything felt so incredibly horny, as if I were trapped in a dream from which I never wanted to wake up.
I gently ruffled DD's hair and pressed him harder against my stomach.
*-*-*
Smiling to myself, I noticed how much it excited JJ what I was doing. And I continued with what I was doing.
I noticed the tip emerging at the side and my tongue was cheeky enough to gently lick the glans, then let go of JJ briefly, freeing him from the last bit of fabric, so that he now lay naked before me and I caressed him while looking at him.
Again I bent down, lay down between his legs and began to satisfy him orally. I kissed the glans, licked the length of the penis and then took it briefly into my mouth, but let it slide out again immediately.
I did this again and again until I took it all into my mouth and began to suck. I didn't ignore his testicles either, which I also licked from time to time or massaged.
*~*
Meanwhile, Lee decided that since DD was somehow not coming home, he would travel back to his home country and he would not come back. He turned on his notebook and booked a ticket to America, more precisely to Miami, then he packed his things because he no longer had any business here.
Of course, he would probably have to talk to DD first, but what would be the point? He loved DD, who didn't know this, and he seemed to have lost out to JJ anyway.
Once his things were packed, he wrote DD another letter. In the letter, he revealed his feelings and disappointment to his “friend” that he seemed to have lost out to JJ. He also wrote that he had traveled back to Miami and would not be coming back.
He signed the letter with his name, then waited a moment before finally leaving the apartment for good. Tears ran down his cheeks? tears of unrequited love? of disappointment.
*-*-*
When DD now gave me oral sex, I began to toss my head wildly from side to side. Nevertheless, I remained calm, even though it was damn nice what he was doing to me. I had had so much sex before, but this time it was different. I had never been so much in love and so I couldn't control myself when it suddenly came to me.
I actually wanted to warn DD, but it happened so fast. Apologizing, I stroked his cheek and let the great feeling linger for a moment. Then I turned the tables. Pushing DD into the pillows, I grinned broadly.
Piece of clothing after piece of clothing fell to the floor, while I kissed and licked every inch of naked flesh that came to light. I even tortured the nipples a little by nibbling on them and then licking them apologetically. They were also pinched a little by my fingers.
When his pants finally hit the floor and DD was almost naked in front of me, I had to look at him for a moment before cheekily pushing down his briefs to reveal his manhood.
I started to work on it intensively. With relish, I sucked it into my mouth while rubbing it with my hand. Every now and then I licked DD's belly or testicles so that I could sink his manhood into my mouth again.
I was certainly enjoying it to the full, but I also had in the back of my mind that I still needed a little sleep before my alarm clock would ring way too early again for the double shift.
There was so much to do at the moment anyway that I was getting far too little sleep. But I skillfully ignored the screaming of my bed, because first I wanted to pamper my great love!
*-*-*
Wow, JJ had come off quite nicely and so I was not surprised that he reached his climax a little later. I swallowed what he had just let go of, looked at him and licked my lips lasciviously. I couldn't quite stop myself from grinning cheekily.
To my surprise, JJ now made a move on me. I let it happen and just let myself go. Enjoying, I closed my eyes, felt how he began to undress me? felt the rollercoaster between the slight pain and the pleasure that he gave me.
While one hand clutched in the bed cover, the other wanted to feel JJ, to caress. My mind had already left my body and my head was pressed frantically into the pillows, twisting back and forth, when I felt JJ at my manhood and then an incredibly pleasurable feeling overcame me.
My back was already arched when my hands clawed into the bedspread, so that my knuckles turned white, as the wave of lust and unbridled passion seized me and carried me away.
With an extremely excited and deep, smoky groan, I reached the summit of desire, of insatiable longing, and poured myself into my benefactor's mouth.
Panting, I now had to catch my breath again, because this was undoubtedly the best thing I had ever experienced.
*~*
After waiting for a while, Lee called a taxi, which arrived shortly afterwards and picked him up.
He looked around the place once more, as if he wanted to say goodbye to everything inside. Then he left the apartment, locked the door and threw the key into the mailbox. Then he left the house, got into a cab and went to the airport.
From now on, there would be no turning back. He and DD would probably never see each other again, which almost broke his heart.
*-*-*
Grinning, I swallowed everything that was pumped into my mouth and then lay down tiredly next to DD. Now I was completely finished with the world, I just wanted to go to sleep. But first I drank some more and pulled the blanket over me.
“Do you want to stay here?” I asked DD uncertainly. ”My alarm goes off very early though!”
I would love to snuggle up to him tonight, but on the other hand I would also let him sleep and we could meet tomorrow. In my mind, I was already standing in the doorway with him and couldn't get enough of the goodbye kiss.
*-*-*
After I had recovered a little, I snuggled up to JJ, caressing him tenderly. When he asked me, I just looked at him.
“I think I'd better go home. Lee is probably already home. I don't want him to worry about me. We can meet again some other time, if you like.”
I kissed him gently and lovingly after saying this. I then slowly got up, but first gathered my things together and got dressed. I could still shower at home.
Besides, you need your sleep and so do I,? I said after I had dressed and grinned at him.